#but still i will continue to romanticize my life ❤️

[literalfuckingfreak]

this came to me in a vision earlier today and when i got home its the first thing i drew. this is literally just me. yesterday. idk. this is the fist self portrait ive drawn in like 4 years

[izzyspussy]

anyway so seasons 1-early 3 mickey is a pessimist with a dash of nihilist (miserable), and because of that ian looks like an optimist verging on idealist to him.

the fact of the matter is that ian is not an optimist and he certainly is not an idealist. he's a little naive, sure, but less than what would be appropriate for his age. he's also not a pessimist or a nihilist (either kind). or a realist or a pragmatist or any of those.

no, ian is quite simply. unfathomably stubborn. and that is all.

he'll get into west point. he's absolutely certain of this. why? because he fucking said so.

he'll have a real relationship with mickey. they are in love and they are going to be together. this is true. how does he know? because. he. fucking. said so.

he doesn't have hope. he doesn't want things. that's pussy shit. there are precisely three types of things in this world: things ian isn't interested in, things ian already has, and things ian will have. that is simply that!

(which is obviously its own very specific mindset and is at least as extreme as pure optimism and pure pessimism, and is almost certainly just another fun little factor when the force of his will alone is not enough to change the reality of an ongoing traumatic event that contributes to the somewhat early onset of his bipolar disorder. but that's tangential.)

now. once again, disclaimer, these characters cease to exist past early season 5 for me, so there's every chance this next bit is exclusive to MY mickey and ian. there's just no way to know ❤️

that said. ian matures into a nihilist (carefree) - and i would say he's here-ish already in season 4, but in a maladaptive way at that stage - and then eventually matures further into a nihilistic (carefree)-leaning pragmatist.

mickey on the other hand - after a period of having no particular mindset of this type of thing at all which in effect amounts to a months-to-a-year long panic attack where his every action is fueled by emotional desperation and he has no solid concept of his own wants, needs, values, or future beyond the ever-present but totally incoherent certainty that he can't live without ian but ian can and will leave him with ease for even the slightest infraction or failure that terrorizes him like a weasel terrorizes a hen in his every waking moment - um. what was i saying.

oh right. mickey on the other hand, after All That, matures first into a sort of quiet idealism (kind of a pendulum swing maybe, but not quite not also progress, iygiygi), and then. into a less naive version of the old ian's way lmao.

there is no "that's how things are/go" or "that's how the world works" or "life is/isn't fair" or any fundamental human nature or any purpose or lack thereof to life or possible and impossible or likely and unlikely or anything else along any of those lines. there are only two types of things in the world: things that don't matter and mickey's next achievement. and that's that, baby!

and then eventually, mick finishes out at a relatively stable and sustainable realist-leaning optimism, heavily informed by romanticism of the Certain Things Are Meant To Be kind. like, he wouldn't necessarily express that or think of it in those terms. and he doesn't think it's a common thing, in fact it's rare and special and he's very lucky, and even if something is like that it still doesn't mean you don't have to put the work in for it to go well and end up Right. and he doesn't believe in a higher power or in Fate quite as such or in the will of the universe or a cosmic balance or anything like that really.

it's just, you know. sometimes. every now and then. there's just this one little thing that will continuously keep trying to happen without any heed to sense or logic or the incredible odds against it. just something in particular that will forever and always find a way to happen.

like say. for example. there's this gay kid, right? and he gets in this fight and he wins and he's about to bring down a tire iron and ruin this other idiot's pretty face and - for no discernible reason whatsoever - he just... doesn't. and maybe he'll think about it half a dozen years later and wonder why. that one tiny little thing that changed his whole fucking life, why did he do that? what was the reason? and there just. isn't one.

and that's not even all. see, these two dumbasses have no idea the other one is gay too, but some-fucking-how they don't have to say a word or even make any opening moves to just Know they want each other. it's like they read each other's fucking minds, even though he knows, he remembers, he didn't sense anything from ian. but for Some Fucking Reason he just never for a second considered ian wouldn't want him, and ian was in perfect time with him. and maybe he'll think back and try to find an explanation for this part too. was there some body language he read? was there some look in ian's eyes? but the answer is no every time.

and then after that, these two gay kids just can't be kept apart. they just can't. and it's not just that they inexplicably can't resist each other either. every time they're separated they find each other again, no matter what. even when they're the ones to separate themselves, situation after coincidence after happenstance after necessity keeps putting them in each other's orbits. secrecy and jealous exes and gun violence and imprisonment and infidelity and a fucking pathological fear of intimacy and conversion therapy and genuine threat to their lives and marriage to someone else and permanent life-altering illness can't break them up. at least not for long.

and then. somehow. SOME fucking how! after all that, and with the absolutely shit chances that they ever even hooked up in the first place, they actually fucking make it? they don't just get to be together, they get to be happy??

so no, he doesn't believe in god or destiny or soulmates or whatever the fuck. but at the same time, i mean. what other explanation is there?

[larvasmoon]

Writing Interview Tag Game

Thank you so much for tagging me @cinnamontails-ff and @davenswitcher ❤️ I loved reading your interviews so much, it was so interesting to learn more about your writing process and how you came to be the writers that you are !

When did you start writing ?

Probably when I was little, I still have a few notebooks in which I used to draw and imagine stories with unicorns, female knights and mermaid. I also have some fond memories of me and cousins writing plays that we would act in front of our parents ! I like to reread those from time to time, it's always hilarious. My love for books blossomed at the same time as my passion for writing did but it's when I was a teenager that I realized that I wanted to be a writer. I studied French and English literature in college and throughout those years I continued to write consistently. I never really shared any of my writings until last year though and it's been such a wonderful experience !

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I love thrillers and crime fictions but I find them difficult to write, maybe because it doesn't quite fit my writing style. I also love to read history books or biographies at night before sleeping, they just tickle my brain the right way.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I don't really want to emulate a writer specifically but I definitely want my stories to have a gothic feel to them, the gloominess of a novel from one of the Brontë sisters for instance. I strive to have my own style though, I try to have a distinctive voice but I probably still have some way to go before finding a style that is truly mine. Writing is about reinventing yourself and having the freedom to do so, after all.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I'm a chronic insomniac so I often writing in my bed with my computer on my lap at ungodly hours of the night. I also always feel much more inspired after midnight, which is terrible for my sleeping schedule. I sometimes get so caught up in the chapter I'm writing that when I look up, the sun is already rising. I do write on my desk during the day though but I must say it does not happen very often, except during the weekends and during the holidays.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I love going out into the nature to find ideas or gather my thoughts. I live close to the sea and my favorite thing is sitting on the sand or on a cliff with a little notebook beside me. Most of the plot of my stories have been inspired by the sea and the waves so she might as well be my muse -

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I often find myself writing characters who struggle with issues like abuse, trauma and mental health. They spend most of the plot fighting to regain so kind of agency in their lives and trying to exorcise their own demons. I'm not necessarily surprised by the fact that those themes are ever-present in my stories since those are topics that matter a lot to me in my day to day life. I'm often surprised by the way I end up including them in my stories though. Writing has helped me to process some personal things or see them in a different light more than once, lending your voice to a character sometimes helps you to put words on things you simply weren't able to express before.

What is your reason for writing?

Writing helps make to make sense of the world and of how absurd life can be. I like how it allows me to see the bigger picture ! It also pushes me to romanticize my daily life, try and find a bit of magic in the world that surrounds me or observe nature and the people around me. I think I've also, even as a child, always wanted to communicate with people through my writing. I was a very shy little girl and a very reserved teenager and all the things I couldn't bring myself to say, I just wrote down and turned into a story.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Any type of comment really, I'm just always so emotional when I realize that people do read my stories and take some time to tell me that it made them feel something. It would mean the world to me if one of my fics became someone's comfort story though or echoed to some of their life experience ! I'm extremely slow to answer comments lately but I see all of them and they mean the world to me ❤️ I will answer to each of them once things are a little less hectic, I promise !

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

As someone who is very passionate about her stories, I suppose. As I said, I'm very shy and quiet in real life and it's not always easy for me to find the right words, so I hope my stories have an authentic feel to them.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Probably the descriptions, setting a mood, I do try to get better at dialogues because it's what is the hardest for me.

How do you feel about your own writing?

It really depends of the day and of how I feel but I try not to be too hard on myself. It's full of ups and downs to be honest. One day I'll hate what I wrote and want to throw it all away but the next day I'll reread it and find that it's not that bad. Writing is a journey and I find comfort in the fact that I keep learning as I go !

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

It's a mix of both for sure ! I do write for myself when I bring those ideas to life or discuss topics that are very close to my heart, but I also keep in mind that it has to be appealing to my readers. I think about all the ways I could make it more interesting for them and it's an important part of every writing process !

Tagging @thedreamlessnights and @vyjuarts ❤️

[ladygoth]

tbh another thing that bothers me about the whole situation is like some of those people i followed for a while when i first joined the fandom on tumblr and to find out they support and encourage that :(

and like everyone gets mad at you saying kys and focusing on that but not the other actual important shit and main point (for a reason id assume) and like just the defense of you have written dubcon and noncon like, its very diff than literal rape and thats the stuff thats used at the coping skill not actual rape itself. you never said anything is wrong with coping with it using dubcon either like ? idk its just im angry but more-so just sad and disappointed people i admired for their work romanticizing something that ruined my life as well as many others

idk like everyone says you’re stupid but they’re getting mad about one post and i get some people being triggered and having diff opinions about that and jokes etc but missed the complete main point and continue to miss the main points youve made and taking it out of context putting words in your mouth? maybe im rambling and makes no sense i usually just sit back and let shit happen when its online but like i just had to say something. plus them saying youre just a troll and a hater for your responses like, when you keep trying to tell someone something and they are adamant or just cant listen or recognize your points plus keep harassing you you’re just gonna stop trying at a certain point?

and the whole thing about you like not supporting victim’s coping mechanisms confuses the ever living shit out of me because you speaking up about the rape (not noncon/dubcon) fetish which is literally standing up for that and speaking against it? idk. lot i wanna say but wont cus people on here clearly lose their shit but tldr you haven’t done anything wrong, thank you for speaking up and keep trying and for just being a good person and advocator, it means the world and warms my heart to see 🫶

sorry people are so mean and hateful (ironic they say you are yet look all they are doing and saying) and i hope you’re doing okay from it all❤️

mwah <3

yes, me and my friends were laughing at how bad they were missing the point when they were crying in my comments and asks. they can call me stupid all they want, i'd rather be an idiot than be someone who plays into SA culture, and it was intriguing how they said i was writing about dub-con when both characters were both still heavily aware of their surroundings and what they had wanted with each other. and i know that because i was the writer, the way they speak you'd think they were with me in my room when i was writing it, but oh well.

and them doing that either way still is a win for me because that means they agree with what my main perspective was LMAO. they were doing essays with my writings, and i'll give them an U for how bad their assumptions were.

glad to know that i got middle aged broke back women who will barely know what it actually feels and means to be loved and doesnt need to turn to SA culture to feel something panties in a twist. and thank you for this ask, i'm doing well and have been focusing on my future projects! <3

[wildernessuntothemselves]

i just read the yamqn sequel all the way through without having read the original and it was a really interesting and fun way to read it. I really enjoyed it so i went back and read yamqn and jesus christ holy shit fuck. You have absolutely destroyed me in the best way possible. I actually genuinely sobbed at the ending. It’s so disgustingly beautifully written. I can’t even fully comprehend my emotions right now. I went back and reread the sequel after again and I’m really happy I got to read it this way. It makes me so sad because I so desperately wish that so much of it didn’t happen. If only Beomgyu wouldn’t have been so demented. It’s hard for me to fully understand if he actually loved her or if he loved himself most and loved the comfort that having someone belong completely to him brought. If Beomgyu actually loved her truly in his heart then i wish that they could’ve stayed innocent. I know he was already doing these fucked up things though and she just didn’t know at first. That’s how good you wrote him though. He’s manipulating ME too. I wish so badly that they could’ve just been sweet and that oc wouldn’t have been selfish either and just allowed Beomgyu to step down as prince so they could’ve been together. I’m not blaming oc for Beomgyu but she still is not innocent by any means and was incredibly selfish. Taehyun wasn’t a perfect husband but he deserved far better than what he got. As much as I wanted Beomgyu and oc together Taehyun was definitely the better choice. Oc just didn’t love him like she could love Beomgyu though because she didn’t know what real love was either. She thought love was the crazy possessiveness that Beomgyu gave her. I’m so conflicted about it all. The ending was the best and only right way for the story to end though as heart shattering as it was. In a perfect world Beomgyu wouldn’t have been insane, oc wouldn’t have been selfish, and Taehyun wouldn’t have ever gotten involved and would’ve had his own happy ending. Thats not how it was though so that’s why no other ending to this would have been right. When I read the sequel I was very much team Beomgyu. I knew that he was flawed but I read it before yamqn so I didn’t know the extent of his possessiveness. I mean I knew that he was hiding shit obviously but didn’t expect his complete switch like that once he saw Taehyun. He came off sweet until the very end when we found out he was the mastermind all along. I really am interested in both continuations but I am more interested in Beomgyu’s because thats always been the way. They deserve each other. I can’t really see oc seriously being able to lose Beomgyu completely and being happy with Taehyun again after everything. I wanna know how far Taehyun woulf go to try to kill them both though. Or if he could even truly go through with killing her as well. If only somehow they could repent and break their curse and live one last life together to atone for their sins. I know this is probably not what will happen though🥲. Huge rant but this story has left me emotionally ruined and it’s all I can think about. Thank you for caring about your work so much and for writing such heart wrenching stories. The first thing I read of yours was Jealousy, Jealousy and I reread it often. You’re genuinely an amazing writer. I was super iffy about reading this at first because of the noncon but I trusted that you would write it in a way that didn’t romanticize it and you didn’t disappoint. These are extremely fucked up and flawed characters so all of their actions made sense to their characters. So to anyone who is nervous or unsure of reading it for this reason, I say try it out because the way it’s written is not to make it out to be a good thing. I’m looking forward to whatever else you put out next. Thanks for taking the time to read this❤️

ohhh that's really interesting. while i did write the sequel in a way to hopefully be ineligible to new readers, I don't think any new readers actually read it so this is very intriguing to me! it takes away from the suspense and mystery when you read yamqn first because you KNOW gyu is lying lmao but it must've been a bit more exciting (at least in a different way) to read it like that then go through the original and realizing just how fucked up gyu is. it's funny that you say he came off sweet. i never saw it and others probably didn't too because we know the little shit but it's funny how he was able to sort of dupe you into thinking he's not that bad like he did with oc. people are very mad at her for choosing gyu again but she really had no reason to think her dreams were real and no reason to betray her bf for tyun

believe me he is manipulating me and i am the writer lol yeah oc is also to blame for a lot of it and she knows that too (taehyun too to an extent) but he has poisoned her mind so much that she learned to crave his toxic love like a drug and couldn't recognize any other form of love if it wasn't all consuming

"i'm more interested in beomgyu because that's always been the way" i'm crying you get it already. it's always been oc and gyu. but yeah both stories honestly touch on different things. with gyu's ending you get to see how tyun would have reacted if he had the means to retaliate and how he would take her rejection. with tyun's ending you'll see what oc is like without gyu and what tyun thought of her leaving him and how he'll be like this time as he worries she'd leave him again. and ofc what gyu is going to do to get her back

the thing is the only way for them to atone is to not choose each other. basically this world operates on a karma like system. the more they choose each other the more cursed they become, if the were to consistently not choose each other, they can gain salvation. but then they wouldn't be together and i'm not sure that either of them can accept that. definitely not gyu and probably not oc. in one of the possible endings i had oc choose tyun only for that to freak gyu out and he fall to his knees crying and begging and telling her her would be taken from he forever if she rejects him and she ends up going back to him because she might reject him once or twice but she can't bear the thought of never being with him again :')

thank you so much for this message. as you can see i adore messages like this and love getting the opportunity to share my passion for this story with people. and thank you for giving it a chance. the noncon was tricky because i wanted to make sure it came across as bad but i also wanted to show how gyu could manage to still convince oc it was a "mistake" and pull her back into him which can across to some people as me excusing the noncon.

[scotisfr]

30 days of intentionality (30doi)

23/30 days of intentionality 🐎 [01 / 12 / 23]

My goal for this whole challenge : • 🧠 Continue working on stabilizing my mental health • ✨ Doing one thing daily for myself that spark joy, outside of my routine • ❤️ Learn to romanticize my life

My intention(s) for today : • 🧠 My braindump inbox is stressing me out since some months now, it's time to schedule a good stress tidying session :D ! (I will hate it today, but Future-Me will love me) • ✨ Work on my coptic binding • ❤️ Slow piano music is my character theme song today

How it has gone : I didn't even had the time to start any tidying of my braindump before TheBadMood touched me. My only good thing of the day to say is : I've made all the signature of my coptic binding. I still need to do the stitching and the cover, but progress was made. It was such a bad, bad day that I was sleeping in the couch all day long. There's day like that where my brain refuse to exist, beside reminding me of bad thing. I don't like that. Tomorrow will be a little better, I can tell from experience, but not a good day. Let's hope for an okay-day.

[lostheretics]

mafia!wooyoung; where his s/o caught several bullets in a crossfire

updates[!!!]: i’m retelling the whole story through a series called PLOT TWIST check my blog for updates

cast(s): wooyoung x fem!reader, oh rieon (male OC, might change them), ATEEZ

themes: mafia!au, non idol, action, angst

warning [!!!]: blood, guns, knife, wounds in quite a detail, please don't interact if you're not used to such thing. if i ever missed anything do tell me.

⚠️ i'm in no way condoning nor romanticizing any mafia acts or any acts against the law at all. my writings are purely fictions used for fun and not based on anything real⚠️

also gif is not mine. all creds for gif goes to port-of-ateez ❤️

⛔️ DO NOT REPOST ON ANY PLATFORMS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. any forms of plagiarism is distasteful and wrong. let's create a safe, friendly, and supportive environment for all tumblr users.

—-—

"i'll bring the stuff, but you'll be the one to take it out. the moment you have it, you get out of that place as soon as you can. don't look back. leave your men with the guys to fight, and the guys will be okay."

"what about you? what about the guys?"

"hongjoong knows about this plan. but i have to stay. this is my fight as well, along with my family. i can't just leave them.

"y/n i want to protect you too—"

"no. what you'll do is to protect the stuff, gave it to hongjoong after the war, and like your promises before, take the enemy down with ateez by yourside. that's your fight."

y/n took a sharp breath, holding her tears back before continuing, "i could feel it. a war is coming. i have to protect you so the evidence will stay intact, and that way you can protect ateez. my family.

...and only this way, i can protect wooyoung."

that was the last word you had exchanged with oh rieon, before the planned meeting happened, before all hell break loose and the crossfire to happen.

you watched as rieon ran away from the warehouse, into his car and drove away from the chaos that is happening. one task done, you sighed. with the evidence secured, if anything should happens, at the very least ateez can be protected, the empire will still remain intact, and by buying some more time, the lee family along with their empire can be taken down. sometime in the future.

but this is not the time to think about that.

the ringing in your head and ears never stops and it was deafening. perhaps it was because of the guns around you keep shooting bullets out of it, perhaps it was the hard hit you took on your head before you shoot down the man who hit you with that metal stuff. dizziness hit you, and the only thing you could realize is your own ragged breath and your gun that ran out of bullet.

you had to think of a way out, but the dizziness doesn't help at all.

shoutings, gun cocking and bullets sounds filled the room. you mindlessly hit and fight back whatever or whoever touches your skin. your body is in pain so great it started to numb you of any other pain that came across you. you could see your palm and arm sliced open, courtesy of the enemy's knife. but amidst all that, you could hear someone calling your name.

"...y/n! we gotta go out fast!"

"y/n run!"

you wish your body and mind could comprehend it all and did as you were told, but it simply can't. it took your body several seconds to gather everything in control, and you finally ran out for your life.

your back was burning, as were your feet. your head dizzy, sight going darker and chest heaving in pain, but nothing hurt more than seeing wooyoung taking that girl's (his partner) hand in his, taking her to the designated van that will take the whole ateez crew out of the site.

it's never nice to do anything when you're having an unfinished fight between you and your own husband. three months of not properly talking to each other, constantly fighting if not letting silence take over, when really all you wanted was to have his arms around you, loving you, and for you to love him back. not watching the relationship you've created to crumble right before your eyes, and the bane of every fight in your relationship, in a form of wooyoung's female partner in crime, to win this internal fight you had.

and what worse is wooyoung not realizing the problem right in front of him, not taking his own lover's side. simply because he was jealous over y/n's powerful name in the mafia world, and her close relationship with rieon of the oh family. it didn't help that ateez needed the oh family's assistance to take down the lee family.

to be honest, you just wanted to love and be loved by the said man to your very end. and wooyoung has the same exact thoughts. however, so it seems, the cold brick wall had grown too tall it blinded the both of you of the love that you had for each other.

the burning pain gets worse and all you wanted to do was stop running and just drop dead, hoping everything will stop. you wanted to stop fighting the fights in the mafia world, the fights you had in your relationship with wooyoung.

you wanted to stop. and your brain seemed to listen as your feet goes slower, and your sight gets darker.

you couldn't think or comprehend on how did wooyoung finally realize that you were there too, caught in the crossfire. you didn't think much, only guessing that perhaps wooyoung saw that you were tired, that he ran to your way, quickly hold and pulled you to the van.

his hand was warm, and you could feel a spark of happiness in you. somewhere in your heart you hoped that your fights will stop here, that you'll get back at loving each other. that the romance will once again bloom.

the thoughts gave you calmness over your pain, as you gave a tight squeeze to his hands, and finally laid your head upon his shoulder.

your breaths got heavier, but you felt lighter.

you dreamed of that beach house in jeju. the sound of waves crashing and waking up next to wooyoung never felt so serene.

—-—

"is everyone in the car? is everyone okay?" seonghwa's voice filled the van, eyes roaming around trying to detect any damage the crossfire caused on his members.

everyone shook their heads as they laid their backs against the car, trying to catch some proper breaths. wooyoung does the exact same.

as the car drove across the night and away from the chaotic site, he thought of you, sitting right beside him. his hand was still holding yours, and he smiled a little, thinking of how much he missed the feelings of you on his skin. the fights haven't been finished, but he wholeheartedly wish that it'd stop, that the both of you would go to bed tonight with loving hearts.

he could feel your hand weakly squeezed his hand, and your head on his shoulder. he looked to you, taking in your tired form before asking, "y/n, are you okay?"

with the hopeful thoughts he had just a second ago, he brought his other hand to caress your face and your head, checking up on you.

his brows furrowed when he felt something wet on his fingertips upon touching you. he retracted his hand back, only to see his fingertips colored red, by the fresh blood running somewhere from your head. he gasped and called your name once again, "y/n, baby, are you oka—"

it wasn't his intention to move his shoulders away from your head. he only wanted to take a better look at you, to move a bit, to make sure you were okay. but you just fell limp, and if it wasn't for his arms catching and securing you in his grasps, your body would've fell to the van floor.

"y/n?" his voice raised, making all heads in the van turn into his way.

wooyoung swore he could actually feel his heart falling to his stomach as he took in your form and processed all.

fresh blood were running from your head and out of your mouth. the short breaths that you took, your eyelids fluttering, threatening to close altogether, your eyes all drowsy and empty. your palm and arm sliced open, blood running out from there too. your temple beaten blue, and yet another blood stain on your white shirt.

he quickly pulled up your shirt, suspecting that it might be a gunshot wound; and it was true. two gunshot wound around your stomach, with fresh blood running out of it were clear in his sight.

and you didn't wear your bulletproof vest.

"baby? baby— Y/N'S DOWN, MOVE FAST. I NEED HELP!" he shouted frantically to whoever that heard him in the car, "baby? why are you this beaten up,"

"why didn't you wear your vest?"

"i'm here, baby. help is on the way, okay? stay with me," wooyoung held you in his arms as his other hand caressed your face, trying to keep you awake for yours and his own sake. your condition looked awful overall. and he thought he'll be damned if anything ever happens to you.

"doctor— kang yeosang! i need a doctor, KANG YEOSANG!" he shouted again, calling for the quickest first aid.

the chaos in the warehouse stopped, but instead started in the van. mingi stepped harder on the gas pedal, seonghwa informing other van and hongjoong that y/n was down and that they needed help, with yeosang quickly moving to wooyoung's side, inspecting y/n in his arms.

"stay with me, baby," wooyoung kept mouthing every time he saw your eyelids fluttering. he was intently looking at your face. his eyes grew wide when he caught your eyes looking straight back at his.

you lifted your arm to caress his face, to which he saw. wooyoung quickly caught your hand and brought it to his face, holding it closely. "don't waste your energy, love. stay with me, okay? just stay with me. keep those eyes open for me."

but you just stared at him. a single tear unknowingly rolled out of your eyes. "hurts..." you weakly spoke.

if wooyoung's heart fell into the pit of his stomach before, now he could feel it breaking apart over your word, "i know baby, i know. we're getting the help, okay? just stay with me, stay awake," he could only answer.

somewhere in your eyes, wooyoung could see, and he could finally feel the pain. some parts of his body felt physical pain you're feeling right now, as if both of your bodies were one. then, amidst the chaos within wooyoung's mind, he finally had a glimpse and came to a realization of the non psychical pain that was caused by the fights you had.

he thought about the fights the both of you had, or, currently having, and how it wasn't finished yet.

the emotional damage he had caused upon you, he finally realize it all. just how much he had hurt you the past months. the endless fights, the neglect, the cold shoulders; all of it.

and now you're laying in his arms, hanging between life and death.

someone somewhere had said that if you ever love someone, love them everyday like it's your last day to love them. or theirs. he thought of you, of your relationship, all in mere seconds in between the chaos in the van, and he knows that despite whatever's going on between you and him, he's still madly in love with you. that you are his life, his wife. his love. that thoughts relieved him, but the other thoughts might ruin it all. the fearful thoughts. the fear that he might not be able to show you his love anymore. that today might be your last, and that he didn't even have the chance to fix anything yet.

"woo..." you mouthed his name, the one syllable in his name that he missed so much. the one syllable that you swore is your favorite and a sign that you truly love him.

he tried to erase that fearsome thoughts out of his mind, but it only seemed to grow when he felt your hand on his cheek went limp. and still, wooyoung refused to acknowledge the reality that is happening right now. instead, he tightened his hand around yours, still holding it close to his cheek. he refused the idea of losing you.

he couldn't look anymore, when your sight went fixed at nothing but the air.

"baby? baby, please stay with me. y/n, baby, please stay, oh my god," he said. eyes blurry filled with tears, hands frantically tapping on your cheek, trying to wake you up. "i'm right here, baby. please wake up, please don't leave me," he sobbed again. wooyoung looked up, "yeosang?" he called, hoping to see or hear even the slightest good news, but yeosang's face seemed to say another thing.

yeosang concentrated on his own work. he checked your pulse, taking in your conditions overalls, any wounds or blood, checking your pupils and chest. anything yeosang could patch quickly, he would patch with the limited wound dressing he could find. checking everything one more time, his brows furrowed as he looked back to the front of the van, to seonghwa and mingi, "you need to go faster, we're losing her."

the van moved even faster, and seonghwa nodded, "i've told hongjoong and the rest. we're bringing her to the oh family's mansion. it's closer, rieon's doctors are ready too," seonghwa assured them, "we're almost there."

"wooyoung, give her to me," yeosang said as he moved your body to his arms, albeit a bit forcefully as wooyoung doesn't seem to want to let you go. "put a pressure on her back, don't let her bleed too much." yeosang commanded, and wooyoung did as told, only realizing that the two gunshot wound on your stomach were nothing compared to the several bullet holes on your back, basically creating a blood bath.

"yeo, i— i can't lose her," wooyoung cried.

yeosang looked at his bestfriend, knowing the amount of pain he felt. that it'd be unbearable to anyone at all. yet he couldn't give him false hope, because the reality, he himself didn't know whether he could save you or not. your condition was far from good, and so all he could say was, "we'll do our best."

after some time, the van finally stopped right in front of the oh family's mansion. yeosang quickly ran out of the van, bringing you in his arms, and wooyoung tailing not far behind. people around rushed, before wooyoung felt some hands around his body, forbidding him from following even further. he fought, of course, trying to get out of whoever grasps he was in just to follow you and yeosang.

"you can't go any further, let them treat her." wooyoung heard hongjoong's voice, before seeing him right in front of his eyes. he took the sight around him. hongjoong in front of him, seonghwa beside him and holding wooyoung by his shoulder, and jongho doing the same from behind, absolutely forbidding him from going further.

"y/n is in good hands, woo. they'll treat her alright," seonghwa spoke, but wooyoung shook his head.

"i can't let her go. i have to make sure she's safe. i have to— hyung please. i want to be with her," he sobbed, "i can't lose her."

it pained the rest to see wooyoung in such state, but hongjoong stood his ground. "you have to stay here."

after some given time, wooyoung finally stopped thrashing around. he was moved to a room, forced to wait, with the rest of the members guarding the door and wooyoung himself, preventing any unwanted move from him.

as he sat down on a sofa, his eyes suddenly caught the sight of his whole hands.

wooyoung's hand were not particularly clean, as others are in this messy business. he has many blood shed all over his hands, taken people's life away from them. physically, mentally, or in anyway he was told or could do. he took people's lives in daily as a part of his job, never took any of it to his heart or consideration, whether it was enemy's life or even innocent ones (although he doubted that anyone is ever innocent in this type of business).

but never in his life did he imagine it'd be your blood.

on his hands, seeping through his white shirt, almost like water. too much to his likings, to the point of coloring his whole arms.

he couldn't think of anything, but losing you. it was a haunting thought. a dreadful one. yet he couldn't get rid of the thoughts, as he remembered your bloodied figure and empty eyes. as if it was the only way he'd remember you for the rest his life to come. a life without you. as if it was the last memory he'll have of you. he could only cry in pain and regrets, and hanging on empty hopes that you'd come back to him.

that you'd give him another chance.

—-—

note(s): I HAVE DECIDED TO POST THIS OH MY GHOSTS AND ALL GODLY FORCES. it's been sitting for days in my draft sometimes i just stared at it.

all i needed was to be far away from home and absolutely bored to make all this decision. i did all the rewrites in a damn airport, waiting for my flight for another three hours. three. istg.

also not to give false hope or promising anything BUT i'm planning to make this fic into a whole series because i have some cool ass ideas. well that depends on my life tho. college is hard af. pray to the universe for my SANity ahahah—((i have to do it))

sorry to make y'all wait (if anyone is waiting at all) but enjoy this!!! this is my first time writing again since years of writers block.

p.s this is heavily inspired by @songmingisthighs mafia!seonghwa fic. i love it. you might realize that there are some similarities between mine and her fic, do tell if that's too uncomfortably similar (i hope it's not though). also @vvshere who encouraged me to write again, and her nct mafia!au is cool af. love you vv ❤️

[braceletofteeth]

Hello! ☺️ I love you blog!

On the topic of SFH fan fiction, I had to chime in about some of my favorites, especially since these weren't mentioned. If you hadn't checked any of these out yet, then I highly recommend.

You by LadyAxe is hands down the BEST I have ever read, not just in this fandom but in any fandom! In my mind, it's S2. Like, it is the most perfect continuation of canon I could possibly imagine. MJ and JW are so in character and their relationship is more beautifully fucked up than ever as they navigate a domestic life in the suburbs. I love how the author never once romanticizes or sugar coats or fluffs up the toxicity of these two. It's addressed, they're both aware of how dysfunctional they are and yet, they're still so tragically in love. The smut is 🥵 and the murders are 😱.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/35245165/chapters/87832339

jagiya by alltimecharlo

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855423

The Crime Fiction Writer and His Adoring Serial Killer by sweetNsmiple

https://archiveofourown.org/series/2731684

Gimyohan by rathavits (Jongwoo is a mind reader)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31467203/chapters/77835869

if we're gonna die, let's die somewhere pretty by mikrokosmoplitan

(AU - Zombie Apocalypse)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33764116/chapters/83927788

whether it was right or wrong, it felt so good by vinnyl

(AU - Mental Institution)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/36806002

Have a great day! ❤️

Oh, hello! 💗

Thank you for taking some time to share these works of art with me! I had indeed not seen at least "Gimyohan" and "whether it was right or wrong, if felt so good" yet (they look very intriguing, I'm adding to my list!).

"The Crime Fiction and His Adoring Serial" and "if we're gonna die, let's die somewhere pretty" had already been highly recommended to me before in a few occasions, but I'm still waiting for a good day to read them.

I had already read all three stories of the "jagiya" series; my favorite is the first one, I'm not as hyped about the others, but the scene that lives in my mind rent free is actually from the second—when someone else calls Jongwoo "jagi" and both Moonjo and Jongwoo feel personally insulted because it's 'their word'............ I think about that all the time.

I remember saying I'd read 'You' after watching the show that inspired it... This was four months ago and since then I've had this fic recommended to me a hundred times by multiple people usbsbdbdbvhdhs' I haven't been in the right mood for it yet though 😅 It sounds like a very intense ride. I'm saving it for the right moment.

Anyway, I love to trade fanfic cards! ☺ Feel free to do it again. See you <3

[megabadbunny]

Hey. I noticed that you mentioned you had some major changes happen in your personal life a couple of times recently. Just wanted to say that I hope you're doing ok. ❤️

Aww thanks for checking in, nonny! Overall I'm actually doing pretty darn well. Some things are a mixed bag (like, my granny had a stroke, which absolutely sucks, but she still has most of her faculties, and I'm helping to take care of her, and I love spending time with her; she's one of my very favorite people, and I'm so happy I get to be around her so much now, especially since I hardly saw her at all during the first fifteen months of the pandemic!) while others are just kinda fucking fabulous (dating again, yay! making/seeing friends again, yay!! BUNNY CUDDLES, YAY) and others are just a continuation of hard work re: personal progress and growth (rebuilding that sexy sexy self-esteem #fuckyeahconfidencenshit). So yeah, overall, primarily positive stuff!

But all of this has shifted my perspective on some things, including the way I've written the Doctor for Minuet. Especially the way he treats Rose. I realized I've been romanticizing some pretty shitty behavior on his part. Like yeah, he's mean to her, but it's actually because he's secretly so tortured and *~*~*~passionate*~*~* and actually he CARES a LOT but doesn't know how to SAY IT and OooOoooOoooh the angst!!!!1!!!!. Like, don't get me wrong, I fuckin love me some angst. But in retrospect it's kinda obvious I was projecting some of my personal shit in there, and romanticizing it. Like, some part of me wanted to believe that the people in my life who treated me like that were doing it because actually, ThEy JuSt CaReD So MuCh. Which simply wasn’t the case, more often than not. (Folks, learn from my mistakes. If someone’s being a jerk to you, and tries to tell you it’s “just because they care so much”, that’s a red fucken flag my buddies my guys. That sort of thing can be fun in fic and movies and whatnot for its juicy angst potential but in real life, people need to knock that shit off and express their feelings in a healthy way. And if they refuse to knock that shit off, then yeet their asses right into the fucking sun, my darlings. Throw out the whole human)

This isn't to say that the Doctor is irredeemable in this fic; everyone's an asshole sometimes, and I don't think he's done anything unforgiveable. But he needs to fucking work for that forgiveness. Rose deserves someone who learns from their shit, and grows.

Tl;dr I really want to finish Minuet and give the readers the satisfying resolution they deserve but first I gotta figure out how to pull the Doctor's head the rest of the way outta his ass :D

Anyway thanks again nonny, it was sweet of you to check in and I really appreciate it! I hope all is well with you too!!! <3 <3 <3