#but specifically I’m thinking about how I spend all this time making reels and videos and aesthetics for my book that’s being published

[littlescorpiondreams]

Sometimes I don’t know why I bother!!!!!!!

[crisishauntline]

I'm going to see her again! This Friday. (?!?!?!???)

It's so soon. Probably too soon, right? After all, when she texted me four days ago to ask if I was ready to spend time with her and not call it anything, I said no and let's check in again in another month. I told her I'm still a mess, don't know what I want, and can't promise her anything. The day after that, I told my therapist I thought it was finally time to let go of my regrets and what-ifs and move on. I cried a lot, but it felt like the right call to make at the time. Still, the thought of seeing her kept turning around in my brain as I slogged through this weekend... and...

I saw a new video from the TikTok therapist I like about potentially good reasons to get back with your ex, and one of them was if you know you won't get over it unless you give it one last try. If it works, amazing! If it doesn't work, then you both can get closure. You won't have to wonder if you walked away from an incredible partnership for no reason, because you'll know the reason. Of course, you also have to risk going back to the start of your grief and losing what stability you've worked to gain since breaking up. In my case though, I don't have much stability to lose. Sure, I'd be miserable if things ended badly again, but I'm miserable now, so what the hell, right? I also don't think it would end like before. Strangely, we trust each other more now to be truly honest with each other, and to survive without each other if that's what it comes to.

So I texted her. I told her the question I was still stuck on was what we would even do together—how we could share space again without her feeling strung along and without me feeling too pressured? She responded immediately to suggest we make crop circles, and followed up with coordinates to a specific "handsome field" she had in mind. That was very fucking charming.

Though I was amused and intrigued by the crop circle idea, the handsome field was a little too far of a drive to make on your first not-a-date with your ex. So the conversation continued and she reeled me in with this smooth cascade of little jokes and good ideas. She suggested things centered around a task/activity, less intimate than dinner/drinks—"things dads do together," as she put it. We talked about going fishing, but we wouldn't have been able to schedule a day for that until the end of the month, and I suddenly felt I couldn't wait that long.

I tossed out some ideas—monster truck rally, hardware store, ball game, Hooters (she made me laugh by replying that if I wanted to see boobs she had an easier solution). Eventually we landed on indoor mini golf because it doesn't require good weather or daylight, and agreed to go on Friday night after I'm off work.

Regardless of the "dad" theme and whether or not we call it anything, I know it is a date. Right now, that makes me more excited than nervous. When I think about the conversation we just had, and how different-yet-familiar it was from how we used to talk, I notice that I'm smiling. I also notice the undeniable fluttery, dizzy warmth swirling around inside me, spelling out sense memories of our bodies pressed together, the tremor in her hands, the rush of making her come.

This is how I see it: It can't hurt to try, at least not any more than it hurts to not try.

I’m done wallowing in regret and doubt!!

“Here I go, it’s coming at me through the trees!”

[iamnotparticularlyproud]

PPB Square: Kink Discovery | @peterparkerbingo

word count: 2.7k rating: mature warnings: none ao3 link: https://bit.ly/3xpiBdx

Summary: Bucky and Peter have been together for a while, but Peter can’t bring himself to talk to his boyfriend about how their sex life is a bit - uh, well, boring. Instead, Peter searches Bucky’s laptop while he isn’t home for any sign of kink whatsoever. To say it doesn’t go as he planned would be an understatement.

Bucky’s amazing. So, so amazing, and Peter could go on about it for days - about his silly nicknames, the way he makes the Brooklyn drawl sound adorable, his unexpected dorkiness and razor sharp wit, how his hands are so calloused but he holds Peter so softly--

Days, Peter could come up with these for days. 

So, it’s not like there’s anything he wishes he could change about their relationship. It’s - they’re - perfect, everything’s been perfect. Bucky’s just so nice, and after Beck, Peter wasn’t sure he’d ever be in a relationship again, let alone one so - so good. So healthy, and so supportive. 

It’s just--

Their sex is so vanilla. Painfully vanilla. The most unconventional Bucky gets is with his dirty talk, and, yeah, Peter loves how his boyfriend will call him his sweet lil boy, and tell Peter how good he takes a thick cock in his tight ass, but that's about as far as Bucky ever goes. 

And that - that isn’t a bad thing, Peter knows that, it’s just. Boring, sometimes, is all.

Peter wishes he could talk to Bucky about it, because the man always stresses communication and talking problems out, but it’s just so embarrassing. Peter’s just thinking about it and he’s flushed, so how could he say the word kink out loud? 

He can’t. He really, really can’t.

So Peter does the only other thing he can think to do.

He steals Bucky’s laptop and rummages for any signs of kink - anything to suggest his boyfriend isn’t as vanilla as it seems. Peter knows he doesn’t have long - Bucky’s out getting takeout from their favorite Thai place, and it isn’t too far - so he doesn’t waste time as he searches all the keywords he can think of in Bucky’s unorganized folders, his internet history that’s never been cleared, the hard drive Peter got him because he complained about memory but Peter was 99% sure he never touched - he was right - and then tries his luck with the recycle bin, but--

There’s not just no sign of kink.

There’s nothing. There’s no porn at all.

Peter’s mind is blown. He hadn’t even considered that he wouldn’t find porn, he thought that everyone watched porn - and unless Bucky knew how to delete specific pages from his browser history, which Peter heavily doubts, because, c'mon - but apparently, Bucky doesn’t.

He considers that, maybe, since Bucky is nearly a decade older than him, he consumes his porn in a different way. Maybe physical movies or, godforbid, magazines.

Peter’s considering looking through Bucky’s drawers and closets until he finds proof of pornography consumption, but then someone’s clearing their throat behind him.

“Jesus, how do you--” Peter exclaims, because it’s nowhere near the first time this six foot hunk of a man has snuck up on him. Then, he glances at the clunky computer in his lap that is obviously not his, and back at Bucky, who’s looking at the laptop, and then at Peter.

“What’re you doin’ with my computer?”

Peter panics, not because Bucky seems upset, because he doesn’t, just - confused, but it’s such a weird thing to be doing, and he can’t lie at all, and this isn’t--

“Does that say porn?” Bucky asks, suddenly leaning over Peter’s shoulder, and he just sounds amused, but Peter goes on the defensive anyway.

“I-It’s just, you never, and I - this isn’t me wanting you to change, or--”

Bucky moves quickly when Peter starts that familiar stress-ramble; he circles around the couch, puts the plastic bag filled with food down on the coffee table and sits next to him, wrapping an arm around his back and shushing him kindly.

“Slow down, doll.” Bucky smiles, sincerity etched in his crow’s feet, “Can’t understand you when you’re talkin’ too fast, remember?”

Peter stops. He nods, then he takes a breath. When he lets it go, Bucky tells him to take a deeper one, so he does, and as he breathes it out, he feels the alarm fade.

Not completely, though. Not with the evidence of his snooping in his lap.

With a glance back at where porn is still typed out in the recycle bin’s search bar and a chuckle, Bucky asks, almost laughing, “What were you doin’, sweetheart?” 

Peter doesn’t expect it, but the fight drains from his body. It’s him accepting his fate, he realizes belatedly.

“I, uh,” Peter pauses, because it’s still so difficult to say the words, “was looking for porn.”

Bucky laughs for real this time, and Peter closes his eyes with a sigh. That wasn’t what he meant to say, at all.

“No - I was looking for y-your porn, like, what you watch,” Peter explains, and Bucky is still laughing, but he waves a hand.

“Yeah, I got that.” He says, making an effort to curb his laughter, “Why, though?”

Peter bites his lip. "Do you watch porn?”

He was scared that meeting Bucky’s question with a question would frustrate the man, but he only looks more amused.

“Why would I?”

Huh?

“What?”

“Why would I watch porn?” Bucky sounds genuinely confused, “We have sex almost everyday.”

Almost, Peter nearly stresses, but catches himself. Obviously, he’s dramatically misread the situation. 

“Y-Yeah, but,” Peter tries to come up with something, anything, “like, maybe, before we dated?”

“I know it’s kinda old, but I got the thing not too long before we met, actually.”

That bit of information also sends Peter reeling, and he almost argues about it - because the laptop isn’t 'kinda old,' it’s ancient - but Bucky speaks before he does.

“Were you lookin’ for the kinda porn I’m into?”

Peter nearly sags with relief. How does he always manage to get it before Peter has to explain? 

“Yeah.”

Bucky’s smile shifts, and it’s - he likes that, Peter notices, and, it’s - it's sexual.

“What, did you wanna tease me?” Bucky licks his lips, “Rile me up?”

Oh. That works, and it’s pretty true, even. Peter can work with that.

He nods. Bucky continues, and he looks so pleased.

“It’s you, sugar,” Bucky brings his hand to Peter’s cheek, and his hold is so gentle, but the calluses are rough, and it’s such a satisfying dichotomy that Peter can’t help but lean into it, “You get me wild.”

If only. Peter’s never seen him be wild. 

But he couldn’t say that. Not when Bucky sounds like he absolutely means it, and it makes Peter’s heart flutter.

Peter has been a bit weird lately. 

Well, Peter is always a bit weird, but it’s a part of his charm. He’s been acting extra weird lately, Bucky’s noticed, and while it’s just as endearing, it’s confusing, too.

He almost calls Peter out on it after he’s found him searching for porn on his computer - more than he had already, anyway - but he just gets so tense when Bucky tries to make him really talk about something. He doesn’t want to bring up that energy - not so late, anyway. 

So Bucky plans to talk to him about it tomorrow.

And Peter thwarts that plan as soon as they wake up. Usually, he’s eager to spend the last day of their shared weekend off together, but before they’ve even had their coffee, Peter’s rushing out the door with the excuse of meeting up with his college friends at a cafe. Not too long later he texted they were going to do an impromptu study group for an upcoming quiz, then, after five hours, texted him they were going to hang out more.  

Bucky tries not to be suspicious of or retaliatory to Peter even more than he’s learned to be with his partners, because the kid’s not had a great track record with boyfriends, to say the least, but this is ridiculous. When he’s been gone for a whole seven hours, under the guise of shoddy excuses, Bucky decides his curiosity needs to be sated more than Peter needs to be coddled, and his new plan is to snoop into Peter’s computer like the kid tried with him. Obviously, if he assumed Bucky would have porn on his laptop, Peter’s got some on his. 

Bucky doesn’t plan to look until Peter texts that he’s on his way home, though. He thinks it’ll be funny if the kid finds himself where Bucky stood last night.

So, after Peter texted that he’s omw, Bucky pulls out his computer. It’s so sleek, thin and light, yet wide, and he hates using it, but he’s dying to know. How much porn could Peter possibly watch, considering how much they have sex, and how busy he’s kept as a student and part-time employee?

Not very much, Bucky assumes.

And holy fuck is he wrong.

He takes a wild guess and searches porn in the convenient - but too bulky, and ugly - search engine in the toolbar, and a stupidly obviously labeled folder, not porn don’t look, comes right up. There’s several subfolders - distinguishing the videos by kink, dear God - and dozens of videos in most of them, over a hundred in a few.

What the fuck.

Bucky’s surprised - Jesus Christ, so surprised - at so many things, but - where the fuck does Peter find the time to watch so much porn? What does it mean that he’s amassed such a collection? How has Bucky never walked in on him watching it? Is there a way to see how many hours of it there are, because it’s a stupidly high amount, definitely--

Bucky takes a breath. He leans back, too, because the little previews are too much to look at, and he takes a moment to appreciate just how understandable it was that Peter was so confused yesterday. It must be unthinkable, to not watch porn, to him. But - Peter’s never even mentioned porn before, not in the half-a-year they’ve been dating, so what was so different about yesterday?

The question has Bucky sitting back up, ready to delve deeper. He starts by reading the names of the folders closer, finding it’s not just organized by kink, but by his favorite pornstars, too. The kid’s got several, all with typical pornstar names, and according to the previews, he’s got a type for big and buff. Checks out.

With another deep, grounding breath, Bucky clicks on the folder name Ultimate Favorites. It’s only got thirteen videos in it, but all the titles are a fuckin’ doozy. It’s shit like Small Twink Fucked Hard, and Daddy Pounds His Boy Until He Cries, and - Jesus fuck - Dom Verbally Abuses Sub While Anally Abusing Him. 

Bucky’s nauseous just reading that last one. He never would’ve guessed Peter was into such rough sex. Not just because the kid gets all wide-eyed and stuttery whenever sex is even mentioned, but because Peter’s just so - soft. In all the ways a person can be, really.

Bucky doesn’t know how to reconcile what he knows Peter to be like with this new information about him. He distantly knows that he doesn’t have to - that Peter’s kinks don't reflect anything about his personality, and acting like they do is only reductive - but the instinct is so strong, he can’t help but fruitlessly try.

Before he can reconsider, Bucky’s clicking on one of the more mildly titled videos - not that any of them are mild at all - just to understand better what Peter’s so into. 

The video loads almost immediately, and it doesn’t waste time with any kind of introduction - there’s suddenly two men on the screen, their size difference resembling Bucky and Peter’s to a ridiculous degree, and the larger one pushes the smaller onto a bed carelessly before climbing on top of him. It’s a bunch of shoving and aggressive groping along with cruel words and name calling, and Bucky’s never been more turned off in his life. He can’t believe this porno is among Peter’s favorites - his boyfriend’s never once let on that this is the kind of sex he’s into.

While he’s staring, Bucky’s on screen lookalike finally quitting with the rough teasing and moving onto the brutal fucking, he hears Peter enter his apartment. Bucky doesn’t mute the video, and Peter’s light footsteps stop immediately. Bucky can just see the look on his face - that caught-in-the-headlights one that makes Peter look more like a deer than Bucky thought a person could - and he stifles a laugh as the steps pick back up, this time much more hesitant. When Peter’s a good foot into the living room, Bucky turns around, acting as if he hadn’t heard him coming in.

With the computer filling the room with sounds of slapping and exaggerated moans, Bucky greets, struggling to keep a smirk off his face,  “Hi, honey. How was your day?”

Peter doesn’t answer him and - yep, there’s that look. Instead, he gapes like a fish at where his computer is steadied on Bucky’s lap, eyes wide and frantic.

“Why’d you never mention this, doll?” Bucky asks, dropping the act as Peter keeps looking like disaster is seconds away. He pauses the video and sets the laptop to the side, motioning for Peter to join him on the couch.

Peter does join him, albeit uncertain and his eyes still trained on the graphic image on the computer screen. He’s quiet as he sits as far as he can from Bucky.

“I--” Peter starts, gaze transfixed on the laptop. “Can you - close that?”

Bucky does. Peter keeps looking at it.

“You okay?” Bucky asks, chuckling.

Peter finally looks at him. He seems scared, Bucky realizes. He closes a bit of the distance between them, leaving some incase Peter feels suffocated, and puts a hand on the back of his neck, a touch Peter always leans into.

He does this time, too. He relaxes some, and Bucky prompts, “Were you scared to tell me?”

Peter relaxes even more, his shoulders falling. He nods. “I know you probably don’t care--”

Bucky interrupts to confirm with a nod of his own, “I don’t.”

“But it’s just--” Peter huffs, eyebrows furrowing, “Embarrassing.”

Bucky nods more. “It doesn’t change how I think about you.” He reassures Peter, “At all.”

“That's good.” Peter breathes, and Bucky can’t help but laugh softly. “I was starting to think it would gross you out.”

It kinda does, but Bucky doesn’t say that. It isn’t important how the porn he’s into makes Bucky feel. 

“No, baby. It doesn’t.”

Peter leans into his side, and Bucky shifts to embrace him. Silence attempts to settle around them, but Bucky can’t help his need to tease.

“So… where’d you find the time to make such a collection?” 

Peter cringes. “I, uh, started it years ago.”

Bucky raises his eyebrows. He doesn’t know why he didn’t assume that - it’s a seriously massive collection - but thinking of how far back years suggests, and how Peter is just twenty-two, he can’t help but ask for clarification.

“How many years you talkin’?”

“Uhh…” Peter trails off, seeming to really think about it. Bucky can see the moment he finds the answer, and his expression closes.  “...several.”

Bucky decides to wager a guess. He doesn’t really know why he wants to know this answer, but he thinks it might help him understand just how into kink Peter is.

“Sixteen?”

Peter whines. “Jamie.”

Bucky’s eyes widen. “Fifteen?”

Peter pulls away a bit to cover his face with his hands, and he whines unintelligibly this time.

“Christ, it wasn’t younger than thirteen, was it?”

Peter shakes his head. “N-No, I--” His words are muffled by his palms,  “I was fourteen.”

Bucky breathes a sigh of relief. Peter can’t lie for shit, so Bucky can tell he isn’t just appeasing him. 

Then it hits him just how long Peter’s been fantasizing about this kind of sex.

“You’re really into this stuff, huh?”

Peter burrows further into his hands. Bucky rubs his back, and considers his next words carefully.

“If you want, we could explore some of the tamer stuff you have in there.” 

Peter drops his hands from his face and he looks excited for all of two seconds. Then, his expression falls. “None of it’s… tame. I mean, I guess--” Peter cuts himself off to cough, wincing as he tries to get the words out, “uh, im-impact play isn’t, you know, hardcore, I guess.”

“Spanking and stuff?”

“...and stuff.” Peter says with a flush. 

“We’ll start with spanking,” Bucky laughs, adding just in case, “if you want to.”

But it wasn’t necessary, because Peter brightens immediately. 

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” 

Peter smiles wide, and Bucky can’t help but return it with one of his own.

[stupidlittledoodles]

[image description: a screenshot of a tweet by @KyWilliamsDraws that reads - art being called content and artists being called content creators has to be one of the worst things to happen to the art space in years]

im gonna get on my soap box bc I feel this so so hard. It really sucks.

I’ve seen artists posting or sharing online how they spend every waking (or sleeping!) hour not only creating art and thinking of ideas but also dreaming up new and engaging content ideas.

Instagram is a prime example of this. I’m on art chat groups that discussed when insta started placing more engagement ‘value’ on reels. And people had to GUESS this by testing the response of their posts, bc Instagram sure didn’t tell anyone! Now they had to start creating this new kind of content to prevent their engagement falling. And (idk about now) reels was under developed and awful to use as only doing this to try and stay current against the rise of tiktok. And if their engagement fell they’d lose income.

And these platforms are no longer centred around the joy of sharing. Sharing your art. Sharing your favourite selfies. Sharing your pets. Now it’s centred around content consumers and the masses are HUNGRY.

If you don’t evolve your content with the app, say making videos, reels etc you lose. You lose your audience and you lose money.

Creators have to _work_ For. Free. For an apps where an algorithm can really fuck your income. And all while artists work is getting stolen bc there are no protections in these spaces (another soap box for another day!)

—————-

I wrote this rant a few days ago and I never finished it and thought maybe it’s a cathartic exercise that never needs to be posted. But then I see this.

Instagram has finally come clean.

[image description: a screenshot of a tweet by @EugeniaLoli that reads - And now, Instagram is coming clean: they say that they’re not a photo app anymore, they’re a video app. They detailed that they will only promote video reels from now on. Be prepared to have you IG images soon not seen by almost any of your followers.] Here’s the link from the tweet above if you wana read it

https://www.theverge.com/2021/6/30/22557942/instagram-no-longer-photo-app-video-entertainment-focus

The head of Instagram specifically says they're focusing on Creators as one the four key areas. Video, messaging, and shopping being the other three. Creators on social media now means content makers. They do not care about artists. They do not mean artists, or photographers. They do not care that centering on video means creators have to work 200% harder and more to produce the kind of engaging content Instagram rewards. They do not care that taking the focus off images will hurt a lot of artists who rely on social media for their income. They just want you to make content for free so they can compete with tiktok. Instagram is no longer a 'square photo sharing app" - it hasn't been for a long time. They're finally admitting it.

[dailytomlinson]

While many artists would jump at the chance to tell you how lockdown has been a fruitful opportunity for self-improvement, full of pseudo self-help books and pompous podcasts, former One Directioner Louis Tomlinson is adamant that he has done, well, nothing.

“I’ve just watched loads of s___ TV,” he says after a long pause. “The Undoing is decent, isn’t it?”

Twenty-eight--year-old Tomlinson from Doncaster was always the down-to-earth Directioner, frequently describing himself as fringe member who spent more time analysing the band’s contracts than singing solos, known for chain-smoking his way through several packs of cigarettes a day and swearing like a trooper. A rarity, these days, among millennials who’d rather suck on a stem of kale and tweet about their #blessings.

He's getting ready to rehearse an exciting one-off gig that will be live-streamed from a secret London location on December 12, announced today exclusively via the Telegraph. The proceeds of the night will be split across four charities: The Stagehand Covid-19 Crew Relief Fund and Crew Nation, Bluebell Wood Children’s Hospice and Marcus Rashford’s charity FareShare, to help end child poverty.

The gig means a great deal to Tomlinson, whose first ever tour as a solo artist, to promote his debut solo album WALLS, was cut short back in March after just two concerts in Spain and Mexico. It was an album he’d spent five years working on: a guitar-led project that ruptured with the preppy pop anthems of One Direction, inspired instead by Tomlinson’s love for Britpop.

No doubt he was anxious to get it right following a decade “grown in test tubes”, as Harry Styles once described the band’s formation on the X Factor, where they came third before going on to make a reported $280,000 a day as the most successful band in the world. The pressure, too, was intense: all four bandmates had already released their own solo debuts.

Was he left reeling, I ask, unable to perform at such a crucial moment?

“The thing that I always enjoyed the most about One Direction was playing the shows, so my master plan, when I realised I was going to do a solo career, was always my first tour. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to for the best part of five years now. I got so close, I got a taste for it, and it’s affected me like everyone else, but I’m forever an optimist,” he says down the phone, with what I can only imagine to be a rather phlegmatic shrug.

Sure, I say, but the last year can’t have been easy. Didn’t he feel like his purpose had popped?

“You know what,” he says, reflecting, “maybe because I’ve had real dark moments in my life, they’ve given me scope for optimism. In the grand scheme of things, of what I’ve experienced, these everyday problems...they don’t seem so bad.”

Tomlinson is referring to losing his 43-year-old mother, a midwife, to leukemia in 2016, and his 18-year-old sister Felicite, a model, to an accidental drug overdose in 2018. The double tragedy is something he has been open about on his own terms, dedicating his single, Two of Us, from WALLS, to his mother Johannah, while often checking in with fans who have lost members of their own family.

It’s not unusual for Tomlinson to ask his 34.9 million followers if they’re doing alright, receiving hundreds of thousands of personal replies. It’s not something he will discuss in interviews, however, after he slammed BBC Breakfast for shamelessly probing his trauma in February this year. “Never going back there again,” he tweeted after coming off the show.

“Social media is a ruthless, toxic place, so I don’t like to spend much time there,” says Tomlinson, “but because of experiencing such light and shade all while I was famous, I have a very deep connection with my fans. They’ve always been there for me.”

In return, Tomlinson is good to them. Last month he even promised some new music, saying that he’d written four songs in four days. Does this mean that a second album is on the way?

“Yeah, definitely,” he says. “I’m very, very excited. I had basically penciled down a plan before corona took over our lives. And now it's kind of given me a little bit of time to really get into what I want to say and what I want things to sound like. Because, you know, I was really proud of my first record, but there were moments that I felt were truer to me than others. I think that there were some songs where I took slightly more risk and owned what I love, saying, ‘This is who I want to be’. So I want to take a leaf out of their book.”

Fans might think he’s referring to writing more heartfelt autobiographical content such as Two of Us, but in fact, he’s referring specifically to rock-inspired Kill My Mind, he says, the first song on WALLS. “There’s a certain energy in that song, in its delivery, in its attitude, that I want to recreate. People are struggling at the moment, so I want to create a raucous, exciting atmosphere in my live show, not a somber, thoughtful one.”

He sighs, trying to articulate something that’s clearly been playing on his mind for a while. “You know, because of my story, my album was a little heavy at times and a little somber. And as I'm sure you're aware, from talking to me, now, that isn't who I am.”

It must be draining, I say, the weight of expectation in both the media and across his fanbase, to be a spokesperson for grief and hardship. To have tragedy prelude everything he does and says.

“Honestly, it’s part of being from Doncaster as well, I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. That’s the last thing I want.”

Too many incredible memories to mention but not a day goes by that I don't think about how amazing it was. @NiallOfficial @Harry_Styles @LiamPayne @zaynmalik . So proud of you all individually.

The problem is, says Tomlinson, he doesn’t have the best imagination. “I have interesting things to say musically, but what’s challenging from a writing perspective is that I write from the heart, and I can’t really get into someone else’s story. And right now, being stuck at home, you have so little experience to draw from. It’s actually quite hard to write these positive, uplifting songs, because actually, the experiences that you're going through on a day to day basis, you know, you they don't have that same flavour.”

There is something that’s helping, though: a secret spot near Los Angeles, where he divides his time. “It’s remote and kind of weird, and I’m going to go there for three days and write. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to it. I found it via a YouTube video. It’s got some very interesting locals who live there, it’s sort of backwards when it comes to technology. It feels like you’re going back in time when you’re there. But I don’t want to give it away.”

Another source of inspiration for his second album is the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ back catalogue. “I grew up on their album Bytheway. And during lockdown I've been knee deep in their stuff. I’ve watched every documentary, every video. And I find their lead guitarist John Frusciante just fascinating.”

Has he spoken to Frusicante?

“I f______ wish,” snorts Tomlinson.

Surely someone as well-known as Tomlinson could easily get in touch?

“No, honestly, I think he’s too cool for that. He’s not into that kind of thing.”

Tomlinson’s passion for all things rock is also spurring on a side hustle he picked up as a judge on the X Factor in 2018: managing an all-female rock band via his own imprint on Simon Cowell’s Syco label. While the group disbanded before releasing their first single, and Tomlinson split from Syco earlier this year, the singer is keen to nurture some more talent.

“I'm not gonna lie, my process with my imprint through Syco, it became challenging and it became frustrating at times,” Tomlinson says a little wearily. “The kind of artists that I was interested in developing – because I genuinely feel through my experience in One Direction, you know, one of the biggest f______ bands, I feel like I've learned a lot about the industry – they weren’t ready-made. So I had lots of artists that I took through the door that were rough and ready, but major labels want to see something that works straight away. I found that a little bit demotivating. I love her and she's an incredible artist, but not everyone is a Taylor Swift.”

Tomlinson spends much of his free time scouting new talent either on YouTube, Reddit or BBC Introducing – he’s currently a huge fan of indie Brighton band, Fickle Friends. His dream is to manage an all-female band playing instruments. “Because there's no one in that space. And I know eventually if I don't do it, someone else will!”

Before he drives off to rehearsals, we chatter about how much he's been practising his guitar playing, and how he can't wait to take the whole team working at his favourite grassroots venue, The Dome in Doncaster, out ice-skating after he performs there on his rescheduled tour. “Because I've got skills,” he says, and I can hear his chest puff.

And then I ask the question every retired member of One Direction has been batting off ever since they broke up in 2015, after Zayn Malik quit. Rumours that his bandmates saw him as a Judas went wild after some eagle eyes fans noticed they’d unfollowed him on Instagram. Payne, Tomlinson, Horan and Styles have barely mentioned him since. Recently, however, they re-followed him, and Payne has teased that a One Direction reunion is on the cards.

So: might 2021 be the year of resurrection?

“I thought you were going to ask something juicier!” say Tomlinson witheringly. “Look, I f______ love One Direction. I'm sure we're going to come back together one day, and I'll be doing a couple of One Direction songs in my gig. I always do that, so that's not alluding to any reunion or anything. But, I mean, look, I'm sure one day we'll get back together, because, you know, we were f______ great.”

[louistomlinsoncouk]

While many artists would jump at the chance to tell you how lockdown has been a fruitful opportunity for self-improvement, full of pseudo self-help books and pompous podcasts, former One Directioner Louis Tomlinson is adamant that he has done, well, nothing.

“I’ve just watched loads of s___ TV,” he says after a long pause. “The Undoing is decent, isn’t it?”

Twenty-eight--year-old Tomlinson from Doncaster was always the down-to-earth Directioner, frequently describing himself as fringe member who spent more time analysing the band’s contracts than singing solos, known for chain-smoking his way through several packs of cigarettes a day and swearing like a trooper. A rarity, these days, among millennials who’d rather suck on a stem of kale and tweet about their #blessings.

Far from aimless, however, today the singer is full of beans, cheerily shushing his barking dog as he potters about his North London home where he lives with his best friend from home, Oli, and his girlfriend, the model Eleanor Calder.

He's getting ready to rehearse an exciting one-off gig that will be live-streamed from a secret London location on December 12, announced today exclusively via the Telegraph. The proceeds of the night will be split across four charities: The Stagehand Covid-19 Crew Relief Fund and Crew Nation, Bluebell Wood Children’s Hospice and Marcus Rashford’s charity FareShare, to help end child poverty.

The gig means a great deal to Tomlinson, whose first ever tour as a solo artist, to promote his debut solo album WALLS, was cut short back in March after just two concerts in Spain and Mexico. It was an album he’d spent five years working on: a guitar-led project that ruptured with the preppy pop anthems of One Direction, inspired instead by Tomlinson’s love for Britpop.

No doubt he was anxious to get it right following a decade “grown in test tubes”, as Harry Styles once described the band’s formation on the X Factor, where they came third before going on to make a reported $280,000 a day as the most successful band in the world. The pressure, too, was intense: all four bandmates had already released their own solo debuts.

Was he left reeling, I ask, unable to perform at such a crucial moment?

“The thing that I always enjoyed the most about One Direction was playing the shows, so my master plan, when I realised I was going to do a solo career, was always my first tour. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to for the best part of five years now. I got so close, I got a taste for it, and it’s affected me like everyone else, but I’m forever an optimist,” he says down the phone, with what I can only imagine to be a rather phlegmatic shrug.

Sure, I say, but the last year can’t have been easy. Didn’t he feel like his purpose had popped?

“You know what,” he says, reflecting, “maybe because I’ve had real dark moments in my life, they’ve given me scope for optimism. In the grand scheme of things, of what I’ve experienced, these everyday problems...they don’t seem so bad.”

Tomlinson is referring to losing his 43-year-old mother, a midwife, to leukemia in 2016, and his 18-year-old sister Felicite, a model, to an accidental drug overdose in 2018. The double tragedy is something he has been open about on his own terms, dedicating his single, Two of Us, from WALLS, to his mother Johannah, while often checking in with fans who have lost members of their own family.

It’s not unusual for Tomlinson to ask his 34.9 million followers if they’re doing alright, receiving hundreds of thousands of personal replies. It’s not something he will discuss in interviews, however, after he slammed BBC Breakfast for shamelessly probing his trauma in February this year. “Never going back there again,” he tweeted after coming off the show.

“Social media is a ruthless, toxic place, so I don’t like to spend much time there,” says Tomlinson, “but because of experiencing such light and shade all while I was famous, I have a very deep connection with my fans. They’ve always been there for me.”

In return, Tomlinson is good to them. Last month he even promised some new music, saying that he’d written four songs in four days. Does this mean that a second album is on the way?

“Yeah, definitely,” he says. “I’m very, very excited. I had basically penciled down a plan before corona took over our lives. And now it's kind of given me a little bit of time to really get into what I want to say and what I want things to sound like. Because, you know, I was really proud of my first record, but there were moments that I felt were truer to me than others. I think that there were some songs where I took slightly more risk and owned what I love, saying, ‘This is who I want to be’. So I want to take a leaf out of their book.”

Fans might think he’s referring to writing more heartfelt autobiographical content such as Two of Us, but in fact, he’s referring specifically to rock-inspired Kill My Mind, he says, the first song on WALLS. “There’s a certain energy in that song, in its delivery, in its attitude, that I want to recreate. People are struggling at the moment, so I want to create a raucous, exciting atmosphere in my live show, not a somber, thoughtful one.”

He sighs, trying to articulate something that’s clearly been playing on his mind for a while. “You know, because of my story, my album was a little heavy at times and a little somber. And as I'm sure you're aware, from talking to me, now, that isn't who I am.”

It must be draining, I say, the weight of expectation in both the media and across his fanbase, to be a spokesperson for grief and hardship. To have tragedy prelude everything he does and says.

“Honestly, it’s part of being from Doncaster as well, I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. That’s the last thing I want.”

The problem is, says Tomlinson, he doesn’t have the best imagination. “I have interesting things to say musically, but what’s challenging from a writing perspective is that I write from the heart, and I can’t really get into someone else’s story. And right now, being stuck at home, you have so little experience to draw from. It’s actually quite hard to write these positive, uplifting songs, because actually, the experiences that you're going through on a day to day basis, you know, you they don't have that same flavour.”

There is something that’s helping, though: a secret spot near Los Angeles, where he divides his time to see his four-year-old son, Freddie, whom he shares with his ex Briana Jungwirth, a stylist. “It’s remote and kind of weird, and I’m going to go there for three days and write. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to it. I found it via a YouTube video. It’s got some very interesting locals who live there, it’s sort of backwards when it comes to technology. It feels like you’re going back in time when you’re there. But I don’t want to give it away.”

Another source of inspiration for his second album is the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ back catalogue. “I grew up on their album Bytheway. And during lockdown I've been knee deep in their stuff. I’ve watched every documentary, every video. And I find their lead guitarist John Frusciante just fascinating.”

Has he spoken to Frusicante?

“I f______ wish,” snorts Tomlinson.

Surely someone as well-known as Tomlinson could easily get in touch?

“No, honestly, I think he’s too cool for that. He’s not into that kind of thing.”

Tomlinson’s passion for all things rock is also spurring on a side hustle he picked up as a judge on the X Factor in 2018: managing an all-female rock band via his own imprint on Simon Cowell’s Syco label. While the group disbanded before releasing their first single, and Tomlinson split from Syco earlier this year, the singer is keen to nurture some more talent.

“I'm not gonna lie, my process with my imprint through Syco, it became challenging and it became frustrating at times,” Tomlinson says a little wearily. “The kind of artists that I was interested in developing – because I genuinely feel through my experience in One Direction, you know, one of the biggest f______ bands, I feel like I've learned a lot about the industry – they weren’t ready-made. So I had lots of artists that I took through the door that were rough and ready, but major labels want to see something that works straight away. I found that a little bit demotivating. I love her and she's an incredible artist, but not everyone is a Taylor Swift.”

Tomlinson spends much of his free time scouting new talent either on YouTube, Reddit or BBC Introducing – he’s currently a huge fan of indie Brighton band, Fickle Friends. His dream is to manage an all-female band playing instruments. “Because there's no one in that space. And I know eventually if I don't do it, someone else will!”

Before he drives off to rehearsals, we chatter about how much he's been practising his guitar playing, and how he can't wait to take the whole team working at his favourite grassroots venue, The Dome in Doncaster, out ice-skating after he performs there on his rescheduled tour. “Because I've got skills,” he says, and I can hear his chest puff.

And then I ask the question every retired member of One Direction has been batting off ever since they broke up in 2015, after Zayn Malik quit. Rumours that his bandmates saw him as a Judas went wild after some eagle eyes fans noticed they’d unfollowed him on Instagram. Payne, Tomlinson, Horan and Styles have barely mentioned him since. Recently, however, they re-followed him, and Payne has teased that a One Direction reunion is on the cards.

So: might 2021 be the year of resurrection?

“I thought you were going to ask something juicier!” say Tomlinson witheringly. “Look, I f______ love One Direction. I'm sure we're going to come back together one day, and I'll be doing a couple of One Direction songs in my gig. I always do that, so that's not alluding to any reunion or anything. But, I mean, look, I'm sure one day we'll get back together, because, you know, we were f______ great.”

[sailordiavolo]

suicide prevention month 2021 - things that helped me stay alive

i heard that this month is suicide prevention month in the united states. as someone who’s struggled for many years with suicide myself, and is currently in the mystical “better place”, i feel it’s my duty to open this can of worms. i am unafraid of the stigma that comes with discussing such things.

i’ll go over things that helped me to cope during dark times. these may also apply to being depressed in general (?) because no offense but “drinking water” doesn’t help as much as google seems to think it does. note that these aren’t be all end all solutions, more like techniques that helped me to stay sane on some of my worst days.

1. get rid of everything that’s an immediate danger to your health.

if you’re actively a danger to yourself, safety-proof your home. don’t keep sharp objects lying around, or anything dangerous of the like. get rid of anything toxic or chemical, and don’t keep medicines in excess.

2. if you can’t make yourself happy, try to mildly amuse yourself instead

thinking “happy thoughts” doesn’t really work for me, especially if i’m in the throes of a depressive episode. i do have many things that make me happy, but i seem to forget about all of them in dark times. that being said, really dumb jokes get me every time. if i can make myself laugh, smile or chuckle, i’ve already made it 10 times easier for myself. and if i can do that, usually it’s easy to make myself forget about the original reason i was upset in the first place.

dear reader, i don’t know what would count as “mildly amusing” to you, but here’s some things that work for me.

i have a self care playlist on youtube. mine’s pretty dumb, but making a playlist like that of things that you find entertaining or amusing might help. another amazing one is distantcry’s worst beat ever collection.

very specific songs that really get me going include metrostation’s shake it, botdf’s bewitched, rm’s expensive girl, and she past away’s ruh.

3. do some self care activities

self care is very very important. when you feel like you’re absolute worst, that’s a free pass to be as selfish as you need to be until you feel better. no job, no person, no drama is worth dying over. all of that can wait until after you’re finished what you’re doing. if you’re not really sure what to do as self care activities, i’ll list some suggestions.

take a hot bath, if possible. if you have the resources, add bubbles, flower petals, bathe salts or candles. i did this the other day and sat in the bath and ate crumpets. it was amazing. if not, have a steaming hot shower. (i know it’s hard to find the energy, but it’ll help, i promise)

watch your favourite childhood show, or your favourite show at the moment, or play a video game.

sleep all day, or take the day off.

eat your favourite food, or the best food available to you right now.

spend some money if you have it. personally, i never spend all my money in a week, i save some in case i have a panic attack or something so then i can spend money on something totally random to make myself feel better.

change up your appearance. i usually end up cutting my hair short or randomly dying it, but this can also mean dressing in a way that makes you feel good, painting your nails, or doing your makeup.

4. know how to comfort yourself

this is related to the last one but knowing what brings you comfort is very important. it took me a very long time to figure out what things i find comforting. list the things that you find comforting, and you can use those to help yourself feel better. it might be music, interests, even something abstract.

if you can’t think of anything, then make sure to pay attention to things that make you feel nice/comforted, and list them down. it’s also important to know what will send you over the edge, so you can avoid it.

5. distraction topics

this may help with anxiety as well, but having distraction topics can help you to calm down and forget about what you were worried about. it’s good to have a few distraction topics up your sleeve in case of emergency. i’ll list a few of my favourites, but if you ever need one don’t be afraid to ask me directly, or send me an ask on my blog! i have a ridiculous amount of misc knowledge just floating around.

dinosaur fossils of mothers protecting their nest have been found, meaning that dinosaurs probably felt some form of motherly love. love on earth is billions and billions of years old. creatures have loved each other on this planet since before the dawn of history. imagine being the first organism to love on this planet and what that must’ve been like

some cave paintings were animated. they had different frames painted over each other, and the flickering of a flame in the cave would cause the images to appear as if they were moving. isn’t that extremely profound?

i saw somewhere, that scientists attempted to see what an electron was made out of, or something to that effect. it’s made of a pool of energy, which is essentially nothing. no form, no matter. everything is made out of nothing.

6. romanticise your future

a lot of us probably don’t have a concept of the future, or if we do, it’s something that sounds absolutely horrible. well, forget about that! think instead about how hot n sexy you’ll be in your 30’s, 40’s, etc. don’t worry about how you’ll get there for now, your future self can take care of that. think about your ideal life, and get excited like it’s absolutely going to happen. the more you think about it, the more it will become true.

7. romanticise your current self

nobody in your life understands you? that’s because you’re the hot brooding mysterious one. struggle with very dark thoughts? omg you’d be so powerful as a jujutsu sorcerer. people are staring? it’s because they’re in love with you. people whispering as you go by? also in love with you. no friends? the universe had to keep you humble because otherwise you’d be too perfect. hate the way you look today? you’re just a littel troll babie. the more amusing these thoughts are, the better. and if you think these things for long enough, eventually it will trick your brain into thinking it’s true. who’s gonna check you? the telepaths?

8. put things into perspective

i am prone to delusional thoughts when i’m panicked, and i have to remind myself to reel it in. think about it, you’re more afraid of answering the phone than you are of death? doesn’t sound very cash money of you, bro.

think about how many years you’ve really lived, especially if you think you’ve failed in life. take 12 years off your age, because childhood doesn’t count. also take off any other years which you were forced to live the way someone else wanted you to live, rather than for myself.

for example, i’m currently 23. my household was pretty strict, so i couldn’t really do anything before age 18. which gives me a grand total of 5 years of me trying to figure out life by myself. it helps me to remember how young i actually am in the grand scheme of things, and that i have plenty of time to still figure things out.

9. find a safe outlet for dark urges

for me, art and journaling really helped. music too, especially when i felt like i could relate to either the lyrics, or just the tone/mood/feel of the song. it might be exercise, or you may like to do creative writing or make oc’s. sometimes you may just need a friend or someone to listen.

if you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can message me or shoot me an anon

10. sleep it off

sleep is not going to cure anything, but if i’m pushed over the edge and am struggling with dark thoughts, going to sleep almost always helps. most of the time i still feel like shit in the morning, but no longer in the mood to try anything hasty.

lastly: suicide is not the easy way out

note: i’m gonna be discussing my own experiences with suicide in this part, so if you don’t want to see that, then don’t read past this point

suicide is not the easy way out. it’s messy and it’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s gonna bring out the worst in people. i’ve been struggling with it since age 19.

one particular attempt landed me in the hospital after i swallowed a bunch of painkillers. i couldn’t think or speak properly, i was slurring my words and tripping over myself. my doctor brushed me off and said that it “would probably get better” with time, but it never did. it improved, but my mind has never been the same as it once was, and one of my biggest insecurities to this day is when i struggle to learn new things or get things mixed up that i shouldn’t. i struggle to learn the simplest of things, and my reaction times tend to be very slow.

the point is, sometimes you don’t die, sometimes you just end up hurting yourself in a way that won’t get better. nobody needs that. if had’ve known how to calm myself down back then, i might not’ve tried.

i don’t mind talking about it now, since i’ve dedicated so much time in learning how to uplift myself. i may be in the “better place” now, but you don’t need to rush yourself to be better immediately. sometimes you need to be patient, use baby steps, or learn to accomodate yourself where you are. these things take time. that’s okay.

and remember, you are loved and very much needed to be here on the planet with us.

[lo-55]

Playing With Fire

While playing a perfectly innocent video game you get thrown into a dangerous world on the brink of incineration! At least you’re surrounded by a bunch of hot people. If nothing else you can shower them with copious, well earned affection. 

You come awake with a start. 

Everything is just a little off kilter. Like your eyes aren’t focused or you're wearing someone else's glasses. It takes you a few long minutes to realize that you’re staring down at a piece of paper. 

It’s listed one through eight, with a check box next to each number. 

At the top you see ‘Company Preference List’, and beneath that is your name scrawled in your own handwriting. But, when did you write it? And what was the list? You look up to find yourself in a library, surrounded by a bunch of other people all dressed in orange uniforms. You look down and find yourself in the same one. You recognize it as the Fire Force boiler suits. 

You touch your cheek slowly. Then poke the corner of your eyes. You’re not wearing your VR visor. And you’re not holding handles either. Are you hallucinating? You were playing the game, in the middle of some side quest. Did the game reset? This looked like a scene from the start of the game. It followed the beginning of the series, but through the eyes of a random side character researching Haijima on their own. There was some kind of revenge plot and a lot of stuff about their big sister, but you hadn’t gotten to the full reveal of the tragic back story yet. They interacted with the main characters plenty, but mostly they spent their time in their own squad, the fourth. 

You were halfway through the game, and now you were back at the start?

You look around for something to tell you what’s going on. You try to poke the menu button, but you’re not holding controllers. So all you really end up doing is poking the air between your hands with your thumbs. You’re starting to panic, when something shiny catches your attention. 

When did you get that ring? 

Plain silver on your forefinger. You poke it and gasp when the world shifts minutely. 

A flicker of fire, a figure dark against the light. It warps in and out of your vision in a split second. 

Right. Tragic back story. 

The ring was from their (your?) older sister. Now disappeared a-la-infernal fire. You were like the reverse Shinra. 

Wait. 

Shinra. 

Your head snapped around quickly from one person to the other. Most of them were boring background characters. No, no, no. Boring. Lame. Basically grey blobs. 

Were you going crazy and you couldn’t even enjoy it?! 

“Uh, hey? Are you okay?” 

Your head snaps sideways to find bright red eyes peering at you in concern. 

Red eyes. Black hair. 

You stare hard at him until the corners of his mouth start to twitch and curl upwards. 

“H-hey. Why are you staring at me?” 

Abruptly you reach over and cup his cheeks. His face is hot beneath your hands. You can touch him. You can feel the heat of his skin. He’s blushing something fierce. 

“You are… adorable,” you declare. 

He turns bright red and squeaks at you until you finally let him go. 

“What?!” 

“Did I stutter?” you prop your chin in your hand and look him over. Yep. Definitely cute. You just wanna squeeze him. But, you should probably do other things first. Like figure out what exactly is going on. 

Not that you can come outta the gate with ‘hey I was playing a video game and now I’m stuck in it, also I thought you weren’t real? What gives yo?’ 

Even you aren’t that impulsive. 

Actually, in real live you’re not very impulsive at all. That was what made games so fun, especially open world ones where you could do basically whatever you wanted. IRL you were more withdrawn than anything, even when you wanted to be social. 

Now… You could be whoever you wanted, right? 

Did you even have to follow the plot? Could you put a preference for another company and go there? Or would you still end up in the forth? And what about your abilities? In the game you’d had a choice at the beginning between a second gen ability and two third gen powers. You’d ended up picking at random, since they all seemed cool and you hadn’t been very far into the anime yet at the time. 

How would you even use those powers here, assuming that you could? 

“Sorry, I was spacing out,” you finally said, “What were you saying?” 

“Oh uh,” Shinra looked away, his grin still pulling at his face. “I was just asking if you were okay. You were looking at the form for so long, but whenever you talked about joining a company before you always said you would go to the fourth. Not that we talk a lot, so I wouldn’t know if you wanted to go to the fifth or the sixth or the seventh or-” 

“Babe, you’re rambling,” you cut in, starting to smile yourself. Even though you’re beyond confused something about Shinra puts you at ease. Everything about him seems so… warm. And yeah, the smile could be off putting. If it wasn’t so damn adorable. 

“O-oh!” aaaand he was blushing again. 

You look down at the paper, your brows furrowing. What are you even supposed to say to this? 

“I dunno,” you said at last, “I guess I was reconsidering. There’s a lot of companies, and a lot of options out there. I might end up going a totally different path if it’s not too late… What about you?” 

“Me? Well I didn’t really have a particular preference, but I heard that they’re trying to send more people to the eighth this year. Since its such a new company, and so small.” 

“Mmmm. That’s true. Maybe I’ll go there,” you muse. It would put you smack in the middle of all the action, and you could see the sweet Iris, and the too-hot-to-be-fair Maki. You could stay with adorable Shinra and the well meaning dumbass that was Arthur. Not to mention the two guys in charge. If you could get Obi to bench press you- 

Nope! Bad! Focus on the task at hand. No thirsting over captains right now! 

“I was thinking the same thing,” Shinra admitted, looking down at his own paper. 

“Yeah? I guess such a small company would make it easy for you to stand out and come a hero, right?” 

Shinra looked startled. You offered him a sweet smile and turned back to your paper and picked up your pen. 

You marked your preferences. 

Eighth, seventh, fourth, second, fifth, sixth, third, first. 

“The eighth and the seventh?” Shinra asked, peaking over at your sheet. 

You shot him a grin. “They both sound like fun to me. Hey, Shinra?” 

“Yeah?” 

Your grin grows wider. “Let’s both do our best, and save lots of people okay?” 

Shinra’s smile is small, but true. 

“Okay.” 

You bump your fist to his to seal the deal. 

~ 

It had taken you a couple of tries to find your dorm room. 

Your body seemed like it knew what it was doing, even if your mind didn’t. You had to explain away your frazzled state to the woman in charge of your wing, a nun who’s name you couldn’t recall to save your life, as nerves. She had looked dubious, but hadn’t questioned you when she pointed you to your room. 

Probably thinks I’m hung over, you thought as you stepped inside. If I didn’t know better I’d think I was drunk enough to hallucinate. But it’s all way too real. Just what happened? One second I was playing the game, and then my phone went off, and then it was all dark. After that I was in the library. 

 It was making your head hurt thinking about it. 

You poked around the room. If you remembered right you’d had a roommate, but she’d already been assigned her company a week early. Her dad was some top brass in the military, so off to the second company she went, 

You made sure the door was locked before you started riffling through your things. 

Books, papers, clothes. Personal items. 

You had a collection of antique keys for some reason, and a blanket shaped like a tortilla that was warmer than most space heaters. There was an old lighter with a hawk engraved on it in one drawer. When you touched it you got the sudden smell of pipe tobacco and a man laughing far in the back of your mind before it was gone. Just like when you touched the ring earlier. 

Memories that weren’t yours. You had stepped into someone else's life. 

When you looked in the mirror you found the face that your had designed for your character staring back at you. There was a thin ring of white in your eyes, cutting through their color and marking you as a pyrokinetic. 

Shit. Each of those abilities had a different eye. Which one was the circle? There was a circle, a pointy cross, and teardrop because the designer was some edgelord. Which power does this mean I have? Wings? Magnet sand? Or the spear torch thingy? 

You wished this could have been more like Fate/Grand Order. Then you would just have to keep track of your teams abilities, strengths, and weaknesses. Not your own. 

Fuck. 

You spend a long time in your room, packing up all of your belongings. None of them really belong to you. They belong to your character, and they’re only familiar in the sense that you’ve thrown them over your shoulder when you were looking for something specific before. Only now if you throw them they won’t puff back to where they were before eventually. You’ll actually have to put this stuff away. 

Damn it, you’ve never liked packing. 

Still, you carefully rolled your new found clothes into baggage burritos. They were pretty plain, all in all. Oh well. You could make adjustments later if you really wanted to. Was it a game mechanic you haven't unlocked? Full customization? You could pick gender and hair, and the eyes depended on your pyrokinesis. Maybe at some point you got to change clothes too. 

You’d figure it out. 

You hoped. 

Your head was still reeling the with the idea of what was going on, but for now, with nothing else you really could do, you decided to go with it. 

Once you had everything all packed up you left your room to do some exploring. You tried to keep track of where you were going in the big fire station/training academy, but before long you were hopelessly lost. 

You stumbled upon a training room, where a familiar boy with a dorky pony tail was slashing a glowing blue sword through a training dummy. The poor dummy fell to the floor in pieces. 

You watched him for a few minutes before he noticed you. 

“Oh,” he said, “It’s you.” 

Which was… pretty lame, if you’re being honest. 

What, did you one pop his delusional bubble? 

“Yep,” you popped your ‘p’, “It’s a-me.” Mario. “What did that guy ever do to you? Try to challenge the great Knight King Arthur on a troll bridge?” you meant it to be a joke, but Arthur actually lit up. 

“Hardly! This was merely training. A Knight King must always be ready to defend his people!” 

“Of course,” you nodded along, playing with him. “And soon you’ll be embarking on a great quest to your new company, right? Do you know which one?” 

“I didn’t bother with those silly preference sheets. Let whichever company requires a knight most vie for my presence.” 

You were honestly impressed Arthur even knew the word ‘vie’. Wasn’t he kind of a loon? 

“Mhmm, mhmm, I see,” you nodded seriously. “Then in case, I might see you in my own company.” 

You wanted to ask him to spar, if only to see Excalibur in action more, but you still weren’t sure what your power was or how to use it. So you ended up bowing out. 

It took you another hour to find your way  back to your room. 

Whoops. 

You don’t really sleep. You lay down and try to wake up, and hope that come morning you’ll be back in your living room with a vr stapped to your head and this whole thing will have been a (not so terrible) dream. 

Keep Dreaming. 

~    ~

[hlupdate]

While many artists would jump at the chance to tell you how lockdown has been a fruitful opportunity for self-improvement, full of pseudo self-help books and pompous podcasts, former One Directioner Louis Tomlinson is adamant that he has done, well, nothing.

“I’ve just watched loads of s___ TV,” he says after a long pause. “The Undoing is decent, isn’t it?”

Twenty-eight--year-old Tomlinson from Doncaster was always the down-to-earth Directioner, frequently describing himself as fringe member who spent more time analysing the band’s contracts than singing solos, known for chain-smoking his way through several packs of cigarettes a day and swearing like a trooper. A rarity, these days, among millennials who’d rather suck on a stem of kale and tweet about their #blessings.

Far from aimless, however, today the singer is full of beans, cheerily shushing his barking dog as he potters about his North London home where he lives with his best friend from home, Oli, [...].

He's getting ready to rehearse an exciting one-off gig that will be live-streamed from a secret London location on December 12, announced today exclusively via the Telegraph. The proceeds of the night will be split across four charities: The Stagehand Covid-19 Crew Relief Fund and Crew Nation, Bluebell Wood Children’s Hospice and Marcus Rashford’s charity FareShare, to help end child poverty.

The gig means a great deal to Tomlinson, whose first ever tour as a solo artist, to promote his debut solo album WALLS, was cut short back in March after just two concerts in Spain and Mexico. It was an album he’d spent five years working on: a guitar-led project that ruptured with the preppy pop anthems of One Direction, inspired instead by Tomlinson’s love for Britpop.

No doubt he was anxious to get it right following a decade “grown in test tubes”, as Harry Styles once described the band’s formation on the X Factor, where they came third before going on to make a reported $280,000 a day as the most successful band in the world. The pressure, too, was intense: all four bandmates had already released their own solo debuts.

Was he left reeling, I ask, unable to perform at such a crucial moment?

“The thing that I always enjoyed the most about One Direction was playing the shows, so my master plan, when I realised I was going to do a solo career, was always my first tour. It’s something I’ve been looking forward to for the best part of five years now. I got so close, I got a taste for it, and it’s affected me like everyone else, but I’m forever an optimist,” he says down the phone, with what I can only imagine to be a rather phlegmatic shrug.

Sure, I say, but the last year can’t have been easy. Didn’t he feel like his purpose had popped?

“You know what,” he says, reflecting, “maybe because I’ve had real dark moments in my life, they’ve given me scope for optimism. In the grand scheme of things, of what I’ve experienced, these everyday problems...they don’t seem so bad.”

Tomlinson is referring to losing his 43-year-old mother, a midwife, to leukemia in 2016, and his 18-year-old sister Felicite, a model, to an accidental drug overdose in 2018. The double tragedy is something he has been open about on his own terms, dedicating his single, Two of Us, from WALLS, to his mother Johannah, while often checking in with fans who have lost members of their own family.

It’s not unusual for Tomlinson to ask his 34.9 million followers if they’re doing alright, receiving hundreds of thousands of personal replies. It’s not something he will discuss in interviews, however, after he slammed BBC Breakfast for shamelessly probing his trauma in February this year. “Never going back there again,” he tweeted after coming off the show.

“Social media is a ruthless, toxic place, so I don’t like to spend much time there,” says Tomlinson, “but because of experiencing such light and shade all while I was famous, I have a very deep connection with my fans. They’ve always been there for me.”

In return, Tomlinson is good to them. Last month he even promised some new music, saying that he’d written four songs in four days. Does this mean that a second album is on the way?

“Yeah, definitely,” he says. “I’m very, very excited. I had basically penciled down a plan before corona took over our lives. And now it's kind of given me a little bit of time to really get into what I want to say and what I want things to sound like. Because, you know, I was really proud of my first record, but there were moments that I felt were truer to me than others. I think that there were some songs where I took slightly more risk and owned what I love, saying, ‘This is who I want to be’. So I want to take a leaf out of their book.”

Fans might think he’s referring to writing more heartfelt autobiographical content such as Two of Us, but in fact, he’s referring specifically to rock-inspired Kill My Mind, he says, the first song on WALLS. “There’s a certain energy in that song, in its delivery, in its attitude, that I want to recreate. People are struggling at the moment, so I want to create a raucous, exciting atmosphere in my live show, not a somber, thoughtful one.”

He sighs, trying to articulate something that’s clearly been playing on his mind for a while. “You know, because of my story, my album was a little heavy at times and a little somber. And as I'm sure you're aware, from talking to me, now, that isn't who I am.”

It must be draining, I say, the weight of expectation in both the media and across his fanbase, to be a spokesperson for grief and hardship. To have tragedy prelude everything he does and says.

“Honestly, it’s part of being from Doncaster as well, I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. That’s the last thing I want.”

The problem is, says Tomlinson, he doesn’t have the best imagination. “I have interesting things to say musically, but what’s challenging from a writing perspective is that I write from the heart, and I can’t really get into someone else’s story. And right now, being stuck at home, you have so little experience to draw from. It’s actually quite hard to write these positive, uplifting songs, because actually, the experiences that you're going through on a day to day basis, you know, you they don't have that same flavour.”

There is something that’s helping, though: a secret spot near Los Angeles, [...] “It’s remote and kind of weird, and I’m going to go there for three days and write. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to it. I found it via a YouTube video. It’s got some very interesting locals who live there, it’s sort of backwards when it comes to technology. It feels like you’re going back in time when you’re there. But I don’t want to give it away.”

Another source of inspiration for his second album is the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ back catalogue. “I grew up on their album Bytheway. And during lockdown I've been knee deep in their stuff. I’ve watched every documentary, every video. And I find their lead guitarist John Frusciante just fascinating.”

Has he spoken to Frusicante?

“I f______ wish,” snorts Tomlinson.

Surely someone as well-known as Tomlinson could easily get in touch?

“No, honestly, I think he’s too cool for that. He’s not into that kind of thing.”

Tomlinson’s passion for all things rock is also spurring on a side hustle he picked up as a judge on the X Factor in 2018: managing an all-female rock band via his own imprint on Simon Cowell’s Syco label. While the group disbanded before releasing their first single, and Tomlinson split from Syco earlier this year, the singer is keen to nurture some more talent.

“I'm not gonna lie, my process with my imprint through Syco, it became challenging and it became frustrating at times,” Tomlinson says a little wearily. “The kind of artists that I was interested in developing – because I genuinely feel through my experience in One Direction, you know, one of the biggest f______ bands, I feel like I've learned a lot about the industry – they weren’t ready-made. So I had lots of artists that I took through the door that were rough and ready, but major labels want to see something that works straight away. I found that a little bit demotivating. I love her and she's an incredible artist, but not everyone is a Taylor Swift.”

Tomlinson spends much of his free time scouting new talent either on YouTube, Reddit or BBC Introducing – he’s currently a huge fan of indie Brighton band, Fickle Friends. His dream is to manage an all-female band playing instruments. “Because there's no one in that space. And I know eventually if I don't do it, someone else will!”

Before he drives off to rehearsals, we chatter about how much he's been practising his guitar playing, and how he can't wait to take the whole team working at his favourite grassroots venue, The Dome in Doncaster, out ice-skating after he performs there on his rescheduled tour. “Because I've got skills,” he says, and I can hear his chest puff.

And then I ask the question every retired member of One Direction has been batting off ever since they broke up in 2015, after Zayn Malik quit. Rumours that his bandmates saw him as a Judas went wild after some eagle eyes fans noticed they’d unfollowed him on Instagram. Payne, Tomlinson, Horan and Styles have barely mentioned him since. Recently, however, they re-followed him, and Payne has teased that a One Direction reunion is on the cards.

So: might 2021 be the year of resurrection?

“I thought you were going to ask something juicier!” say Tomlinson witheringly. “Look, I f______ love One Direction. I'm sure we're going to come back together one day, and I'll be doing a couple of One Direction songs in my gig. I always do that, so that's not alluding to any reunion or anything. But, I mean, look, I'm sure one day we'll get back together, because, you know, we were f______ great.”

[imnotwolverine]

The bear pack

Henry Cavill x reader drabble

Disclaimer: awkward fluff, paparazzi 

Author’s note: I woke up extra early to prepare for a meeting, but guess what? It got cancelled. So here I was, sitting in my bathrobe, dreaming away about how I’d spend that time to surprise Henry. Go go bear pack! 

Tagsquad: @tumblnewby @magdelen69

(Link to my Masterlist)

It was 7 am, on a Wednesday and guess where you were?

Hiding. Yep. Hiding. To be more specific; you were currently crouched down under some bushes in a London park with a very excited akita named Kal panting in your ear.

From your little hide-out spot you could see the paparazzi lurking about at the entrance of the park, cameras lazily resting in their arms while they smoked a cigarette or two. They had not spotted you. Yet. But sure enough it was going to be a serious challenge to keep it that way, as this park was best described as..open planned.

Argh..why did these things always happen to you?!

This was supposed to be a cute little surprise for Henry. You had woken up quite early and had thought to take it upon yourself to walk Kal, then pick up Henry at the gym before cooking him a nice breakfast. But of course, in your lovey-dovey morning haze, you had forgotten that Henry was an A-lister hotshot whom was closely followed by the public eye. Which in turn meant there was also an eye on whomever he was dating at that moment. His date in this case being..you.  

You had been together for some two months now, and so far you had managed to keep it well under the wraps. Which in all honesty was quite a feat, because you had become almost inseparable. It was a matter of time before the paparazzi would get air of your young budding romance and today…well..today seemed to be the day. D-Day. Or should you say P-day? Paparazzi day…

Ugh. Anyways. You needed a plan and you needed it now.

Pulling your phone from your sweater pocket you sent a zoomed in picture of the pap to Henry.

You: Hen?! Lil, tiny, minuscule problem here.😬😩I am ..stuck..

You looked at the little Whatsapp checkmarks as they appeared. Sent. Received. Blue marks. Read. Oh thank the gods.

Henry Bear: Hahahahah…babe..where you at?

You: In the bushes.

You added a selfie with Kal sitting dutifully beside you.  

Henry Bear: HAHAH oh dear. I’m sorry. That’s.. 😂

You pouted. This wasn’t funny. You had planned on going to an event later this week, to make your official introduction as a couple. It had all been planned out: the outfits, the press statement, everything. But no, of course you had to be a silly bird and go out and about walking Henry Cavill’s dog, wearing a shapeless sweater and some leggings, your hair looking like a right mess. Perfect gossip fodder.

He video called.

’You okay baby?’ He smiled through the phone, his face looking warm and slightly sweaty.

‘Noo…oh I’m such a fool Hen. There’s like..’ You looked back at the pap, keeping your voice low. ‘Six of ‘em. And I don’t know if there’ll be more at the other gates and..I look like...ugh..’ You bit your lip. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay. I mean, you’re not like naked or anything, are you?’ He teased.

‘Hennn..’ You rolled your eyes. ‘Don’t you know me by now? There’s a reason I steal the sheets; I’m MUCH to coldblooded to go out ..naked.’

He burst out chuckling. ‘Oh baby…’ He sighed. ‘But really, where are you?’

‘The park right outside your gym.’ You admitted.

‘But that’s like…’ Henry turned his face, looking into the direction of a window.

‘I know. I was SO damn close to coming over and surprise you with Kal and then..BOOM pap.’ You pouted again.

‘Oh sweetheart.’ He smiled. ‘Want me to come save you?’

‘Save me? Naa..but maybe…like..help me with a little action plan? I’m surely not your first date to hide away in some bushes?’

He grinned. ‘Uhmm..well..it may surprise you. But you really are..the first.’

‘Lucky me.’ You growled.

He grinned and shook his head in amusement. ‘Now. Just come over here, it’s okay. Act casual, walk into the gym. I’ll meet you at the entrance, okay?’

‘You’re not mad at me?

‘Of course not. Though my agent will probably roll some eyes after all the work he put into ..you know.’

‘Yea…I wasn’t really thinking about that. Sorry.’

‘It’s okay.’ He smiled, clearly entertained by the whole situation.

You hung up, feeling slightly more at ease as you finally got out of your little hiding spot, your feet quick to move to the paved path. Act casual. Act..casual. With a slow pace you walked alongside Kal, the leash relaxed but your mind reeling as you tried your utter best to look calm and collected, not looking into the direction of the paparazzi as you heard the first clicks of cameras in the distance.

The closer you got, the harder it became to ignore them. They started to try and grasp your attention, calling out for you, but you weren’t quite so willing to make any comments on why you were walking Henry Cavill’s dog. Let alone who you were. No you were just going to..act..casual.

‘Good morning.’ You smiled through a clenched jaw, greeting the men as they clicked a few more pictures up close. Your heart was racing and you hoped that you looked at least a little composed as you strode past them, the gym now finally in sight.

Walking into the gym you were welcomed by a broadly grinning Henry, wearing his usual grey sweater, sweatpants and a gym bag hanging casually over his shoulder.

‘Hey mama bear.’ He cooed, gesturing you to come over. You instantly felt a flush burn up your cheeks again.

Oh this whole situation was so embarrassing. Gods! It had supposed to be a cute surprise, not a stressful paparazzi fest!

‘Sorry…’ You pouted as you walked up to him, Kal tugging on his leash as he happily jumped up to greet his papa bear. Henry gave the dog a quick scratch behind the ears before he wrapped you in a warm hug, his sweater smelling like pure Henry. Warm and musky goodness.

‘Oh sweetie. Haha. That’s quite alri—‘ he paused, leaning back a bit to pluck a leaf from your hair.

You blushed even more fiercely.

‘OH….!!’ You gasped in horror.

Henry burst out laughing, wrapping you more tightly against his chest before planting a kiss atop of your head.

‘My little forest nymph.’

‘Not funny Hen.’ You protested.

He pulled back again, a sweet smile stretching his lips.

‘Oh you. Now…Let’s give them some proper pictures, okay? The whole bear pack?’

‘This wasn’t quite the surprise I had in mind..’ You sulked.

‘Oh but it’s still a cute surprise all the same. Half the gym was enjoying it too.’ He nodded at the swinging doors, behind which the gym was located.

‘Really?’ You gulped.

‘Yea..I may have laughed a tad too hard when you sent that undercover picture..’ He chuckled.

You scrunched your face in embarrassment. ‘Oh gods. This is soo…’

‘Sweet.’ He smiled, his hands gently cupping your jaw to press a pillowy kiss on your lips. You instantly felt your worries flow away. He wasn’t mad. Oh thank the gods. HE WASN’T MAD AT YOU!

‘Now let’s go. This bear is hungry!’ He said, wrapping a protective arm around you and taking Kal’s leash. You chuckled, still feeling a blush on your cheeks as you snuggled further up in his chest and you started to walk out the door with your little bear pack. Kal bear. Henry bear. And you.

[patandpran]

The New Routine

I wrote this a few days ago and I am not sure where it came from. I am still going to credit @yangkoogan @earthfluuke @gaysarawat and even @brightwin (Jelly’s song is so fantastic - go listen!!) for putting these two as a pairing in my head.

I fondly refer to this one as ‘the one where they don’t realize until too late that they’re already dating’.

The gang was down to two. Phuak had left on his education exchange and Tine was attached to the hip with Sarawat or at cheerleading practice. This left Ohm and Fong without much direction, neither of them had ever been at the helm of making social plans so they often found themselves half heartedly doing the same things they had done with Phuak and Tine around: going to bad restaurants, bar hopping and playing too many hours of videos games.

All Fong knew was that he still wanted to spend time with Ohm but something felt off about how they were spending their time together. It didn’t exactly feel wrong as it didn’t necessarily matter what they were doing, it just seemed like they were going through the motions of how they used to spend time with Phuak and Tine instead of making their own way. Fong hoped that this reality wouldn’t get in the way of them continuing to spend time together as there was something very grounding about spending time with Ohm that kept Fong sane.

One day, Ohm showed up on Fong’s doorstep with what appeared to be a picnic basket and a flicker of adventure in his eyes.

“Ready?” Ohm asked and Fong was rendered speechless. Upon noticing this, a flicker of apprehension crossed Ohm’s face before he continued, “I decided we needed to mix it up. Do something spontaneous.”

“S-sure.” Fong’s confusion suddenly turned into amusement but he held back his chuckles by biting his lip. “Where are we going exactly?”

“Adventure means mystery.” Ohm exclaimed, pulling out a pair of car keys and dangling them in front of Fong’s eyes. “We are going to drive until we feel like we need to stop.”

“Need to stop?” Fong questioned. “Do you mean like we’ll sort of just listen to our hearts and see when our intuition tells us to we’re where we need to be?”

Ohm nodded so earnestly in response that it almost broke Fong’s heart. He instantly recognized that his friend was going out of his comfort zone to try something new to redefine their new normal without their other two friends - to prove that they could make a new way of things without Tine and Phuak’s influence.

“Exactly.” Ohm answered. “So get your ass into gear and let’s hit the road.”

Fong slipped on a pair of shoes and was out the door in a matter of seconds. He had no idea what the day ahead held in store but the fact that Ohm was going out of his way to plan something different made Fong excited and nervous at the same time. It was so unlike their norm that it made Fong’s head reel with anticipation. He wondered what had inspired Ohm’s whirlwind suggestion for an adventure but decided not to overthink it too much lest he ruin the experience by over analyzing his friends intentions.

“Ready.” Fong shared as he locked his dorm room behind him and smiled at Ohm.

“Let’s do this.” Ohm declared excitedly before grabbing Fong’s hand and taking off in a run toward the parking garage.

The whole scene must have looked so ridiculous to an outsider but Fong was already having so much fun with Ohm that he didn’t care if they looked completely insane. They got to the car and Ohm let Fong’s hand go before opening the passenger door for his friend.

The action made Fong smirk as he climbed into the car and put on his seatbelt. “I guess chivalry isn’t dead.”

Ohm laughed lightly at the response before placing the basket into the trunk and slipping into the driver’s seat. He rested his hands on the steering wheel after starting the ignition. He backed up and pulled on the main road of their university before asking, “Okay - so, North or South?”

“You seriously have no idea where we’re going?” Fong asked in surprise. “I figured the spontaneity thing was an act and you had a meticulous plan in place.”

“That would be how you would plan it.” Ohm responded and while it could have seen as an accusation if anyone else had said it, Fong knew that Fong meant no judgement with his words. He was just stating the facts because he knew Fong so well. “I, however, am choosing to surrender today’s destiny to the universe and see where fate takes us.”

“I feel like you have been reading too many self-help books. Or actually, knowing you, it was a self-help reddit chain.” Fong shook his head in amusement before chewing on his lip in contemplation. “Let’s go… somewhere with water.”

“You can’t be that specific!” Ohm cried out in protest. “North or South? We’ll see if water is what happens. And yes, maybe I have been down a few ‘make your own way’ threads on the internet lately but, hey, I’m choosing to make this a reality through action!”

“Okay… North!” Fong answered loudly, matching Ohm’s slightly manic energy. He knew his friend was excited about the prospect of paving their own way so he would lean into that as much as possible. This was already the most exciting thing they had done in months and they had barely even left campus yet.

“North it is.” Ohm agreed and turned onto the ramp that led North and merged onto the highway.

They settled into a comfortable silence for a while, unsure of how they were going to decide when exactly the right moment was to stop but both Ohm and Fong were simply enjoying their shared time together, especially with no specific criteria on their plans for the day aside from a picnic and a drive.

“I… made a playlist.” Ohm announced about ten minutes into their drive and looked surprisingly embarrassed by the admission.

Ohm had never shown much interest in music so Fong was pleasantly amused by the fact that his friend had gone out of his way to curate a playlist for their mini road trip. It made Fong realize that Ohm had actually put a lot of thought into their plans for the day despite wanting it to see like a ‘spontaneous’ proposition.

“Put it on.” Fong encouraged his friend and Ohm quickly connected his phone to the car’s speaker system.

As the first song began, Ohm turned his attention back to the road and started humming along with the first song which happened to be one by Scrubb. Fong watched Ohm start to bob his head along with the music through his peripheral vision and the sight made something in his chest ache and wish he had seen more of this side of Ohm before. This unguarded, completely in the moment and open to whatever possibility came their way version of his best friend fascinated Fong and he couldn’t wait to see where it took them.

The next song on the playlist was by CtrlS and Fong couldn’t help but be shocked. Ohm had never been particularly on board with the Tine and Sarawat situation, mostly because Ohm was so protective of Tine. Fong had been forced to do some major convincing to get Ohm to tolerate Sarawat’s presence so he was shocked to hear a song by Sarawat’s band on the playlist.

“Don’t even start.” Ohm blurted out before Fong could call his friend out on his hypocrisy. Ohm continued over Fong’s laughter, “Just because I like his music does not mean I like him.”

Fong rolled his eyes at how stubborn Ohm was. He knew that it came from a place of fierce protectiveness for his friend and it made Fong realize just how much Ohm cared for the people around him, despite how much he tried to downplay the emotions that he let others see.

“Fair enough.” Fong responded before spotting what looked like a green space of off the highway. “Hey! What if we stop here?”

“See? Told you it would just happen.” Ohm’s eyes lit up immediately and all the negativity that came with Sarawat being brought up melted from his expression.

Fong couldn’t help but feel a wave of fondness flow over him as he watched his friend relax into his usual positive demeanour. He turned off of the highway and found a parking spot near their destination. He hoped there was some sort of body of water to wade into considering the sun was beating down so intensely that his forehead had a fresh layer of sweat on it despite the car’s air conditioning.

“Here.” Ohm reached over after he shut off the car and pressed a handkerchief to Fong’s forehead before Fong even registered what was happening. Fong’s breath hitched at the close proximity and suddenly noticed the array of colours that were housed in Ohm’s eyes.

Ohm pulled away the handkerchief  and gave Fong a funny look, “Do I have something on my face?”

“N-no.” Fong’s cheeks burned at the question. “Thanks for that. Let’s try to find the water.”

Ohm pocketed the handkerchief before he shrugged and jumped out of the car. Fong collected himself and got out of the car as Ohm grabbed the basket from the trunk. Fong spotted the water in the distance and he raced toward, whether to escape the conflicted feeling he was experiencing or just because he loved the water so much, he wasn’t sure.

Fong heard Ohm trying to keep up with him as he reached the shoreline. Fong was thankful for the breeze as it helped calm down the blush that was presently on his face. He needed the momentary distance to recover from whatever the hell was going on between him and Ohm. The foreign feeling had popped out of nowhere and he felt himself struggling to navigate it.

“Are you going to go in?” Ohm asked and threw an arm over Fong’s shoulder.

The contact that usually felt platonic and casual suddenly was charged with something that Fong couldn’t quite place but he didn’t dare to separate himself from Ohm in fear that Ohm might read it as Fong being uncomfortable with the choice of outing.

“I don’t think so. I’m happy to just dip my feet in.” Fong murmured and looked toward his friend. The sun was dancing across Ohm’s face and Fong was taken aback by how serene the image was. His mouth felt dry and he was struggling to put words together but finally he managed to blurt out, “Should we find a spot to eat something?”

“That sounds great.” Ohm nodded firmly and moved his hand to grasp Fong’s again as if the gesture was something they did on a regular basis instead of it being a new occurrence. Fong was surprised to find himself relaxing into it and even finding comfort in the connection.

Ohm led them to a grassy spot in the shade of a tree and let go of Fong’s hand before opening up the basket. Fong watched as Ohm pulled out a blanket and draped it across the ground. A fleeting thought of just how romantic the whole scene was appeared in Fong’s mind and he was back to square one with a new layer of sweat spreading across his forehead, this time inspired by how nervous he suddenly felt. He obviously was overthinking this whole thing and Ohm was just trying to do something fun and different for his friend without thinking about the specific parameters of how date-like the whole setup was.

“I didn’t know exactly what you would like in terms of sandwiches so I made a tuna salad one and a peanut butter and jelly.” Ohm explained as he pulled out a few containers as he sat down on the blanket. “I also have a bunch of fruit and some drinks if you want one.”

Fong had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning widely at how adorable the whole situation was. Ohm looked at Fong expectantly and patted the empty space beside him on the blanket as an invitation for Fong to join him. Fong sat down and answered, “I think I’ll go for the peanut butter and jelly.”

“I figured that would be the case.” Ohm shared, seemingly pleased with himself as he handed Fong the container with the sandwich.

Fong opened up it up and began to munch of his sandwich as Ohm opened up the rest of the containers, humming absentmindedly as he went about the work. Ohm reached into the basket again and pulled out a container which appeared to be filled with lemonade.

“I’m so tired of those chewie drinks we have all the time.” Ohm shared, “So I made some lemonade from scratch!”

Fong was quite overwhelmed with the time and effort that Ohm had put into all of this - he wasn’t quite sure how he was going to make up for this the next time they went out together. Without thinking, he muttered, “I don’t think I’ve put this much effort into an outing even if it was for an actual date.”

Ohm suddenly froze and Fong immediately realized the implications of what he just said. Fong began to flounder for how to possibly retract the words or somehow play it off as a joke but the silence that stretched between he and Ohm made Fong feel like he was drowning. It wasn’t exactly awkward, it was just… heavy.

Shockingly, Fong didn’t find himself particularly afraid of the weight behind his words, he was more worried that he had made Ohm overthink his actions as much as Fong overthought his own. Ohm was the definition of carefree so the fact that he seemed to be absorbed in thought meant that he was seriously considering the words that Fong’s filter hadn’t quite caught.

“I…” Ohm began to speak and stopped himself before starting up again after he looked directly into Fong’s eyes, his gaze quite serious. “Would it be okay if it was an actual date?”

Fong felt his heart leap into his throat at the question. He knew that something had shifted between them since they started to spend time just the two of them but he had never been brave enough to admit that their relationship had started to lean toward something more than just friendship. It was somewhat of a relief for Fong to realize what had changed and in a moment of blind courage, he reached across and took Ohm’s hand in his.

“Yah.” Fong assured Ohm who looked as if he was terrified to hear how Fong was about to respond. “I think that would be more than okay. It’ll be like our new… routine.”

“How can you still be so rational at a time like this?” Ohm burst out laughing, throwing his head back before collecting himself. “But that’s what I think this works so well…”

Ohm squeezed Fong’s hand reassuringly and Fong’s mind was flooded with possibilities of what was next for them. He sighed deeply and Ohm pulled him closer so that Fong’s head could rest on Ohm’s shoulder. When the close proximity had made him panic before, it now made Fong completely relax into…

Their new normal. Their new routine.

Because sometimes you just have to try something new to uncover something that was already there.

[yuniversitywriting]

How to Learn Computer Science at Home

By: Alex Lu

TLDR: Take the plunge. Find out what it is you want to do and just do it without looking back. If you want to learn to code just pick any language out there. What you learn in one language is transferable to another. I’ve linked a couple of sources that might help you just as a pointer. As you learn I definitely suggest starting your own small projects. There’s going to be things you learn on the way that will bore you but you kind of just have to push through the boredom. 

As someone who would like to pursue computer science as my career in the future, I’ve always wanted to learn the subject on my own but never really found the courage to start until this summer. Finding the “right way” to start was by far my biggest concern starting out. I didn’t really have any idea what language I wanted to use, where I would learn, and what I wanted to do. Usually, when it comes to things like learning a new skill planning things out is kind of important but when it comes to something like computer science it’s probably better to just find something that interests you and just go for it without looking back. To be honest, I don’t think there’s necessarily a “right” way to learn computer science, and spending the time to find it will undoubtedly bring you into an unproductive loop of watching videos or reading articles on how to get started which is where I was towards the beginning of summer when I decided that I wanted to try my hand at web development.  

If you were to Google right now the technologies that exist in web development you would get a bunch of different articles that say different things about what’s the latest and greatest in web development whether it be some new programming language, library, framework, etc. and when I was first learning the basics of web development I had nothing to go off of and I was completely lost. Eventually, I learned to just tune out all the pointless Google searches and just started with the most basic thing in web development, HTML which isn’t actually a programming language and looks kind of like this which was sort of discouraging at first. Eventually, I got the basics of HTML and moved on to CSS which is also not a programming language (it controls the actual aesthetics of the page. I’ll show an example later from one of my projects). While the basics of HTML and CSS aren’t the most satisfying thing to learn, it was something I had to overcome. If you do choose to dive into computer science or specifically web development, it’s important to note that there are going to be many things that are boring to learn but you kind of have to just push through it because it’ll be important later on. I eventually made my way to learning Javascript (the actual programming language) which allowed me to create my fully-functional sites. 

When learning the basics of web development I found it really helpful to practice concepts by making my own small projects. Although I all wanted to be able to create the next Twitter right off the bat, I kind of had to reel in my ego and realize that I wasn’t there yet. Instead, I built smaller sites that I had fun making like this website I made on my birthday which plays “Happy Birthday.” The site uses HTML for all the text, CSS for all the images and styling on the web, and Javascript for all its functionalities. While making the site I also had to learn how to use things like the Command Prompt, Heroku, and Git, and therein lies the beauty of taking on smaller projects as you’ll learn random things and improve upon your skills. After looking around on the site for about 5 seconds you’ll notice how buggy it is and I think it summarizes my journey quite well. When making projects you’re always going to encounter some small bug and that’s completely okay. For this particular site, I’m not really interested in going back and fixing all its bugs because there are other things I’m trying to do. 

As of now, I’ve moved on past vanilla HTML, CSS, and Javascript and I’m more focused on learning other frameworks such as React and eventually I hope to become a full-stack developer. But, although I’ve learned everything I know pretty much on my own, I do have limits to what I can learn solo and I have enrolled in a community college to continue learning full-stack development. Although there are many things that you can self-learn, some things might just be easier to learn from an actual teacher.  

The reason I decided to join the YUNiversity is that I wanted to be able to create a platform where the audience could relate to its contributors. When learning a skill, it’s easy to be discouraged after seeing some prodigy and giving up simply because you don’t think you’ll ever be able to improve to the point of mastery. However, I believe that if you saw someone who was your age and were able to see all their trials and tribulations towards mastering a certain skill you might be motivated to actually pursue something yourself. Likewise, I hope my story was in some way helpful for anybody who wanted to learn Computer Science or web development on their own. In the future, I definitely hope to continue talking about my experiences learning more about web development and I really hope that the audience is able to join me on that journey 

Here are some resources if you want to learn something: 

1.Game development (I played around with Unity and their tutorials a bit. I’d say they’re pretty good. There’s a lot of reading for their tutorials). I’d also suggest checking out Brackeys (A Youtube channel that goes over the basics of game development in Unity. If you don’t like reading this might be for you)

2..C++ (There’s a lot of reading involved here so if you don’t like reading I don’t really recommend it. It goes over the fundamentals of programming. Just be warned that C++ is harder to learn than some other languages) 

3. Web Development

Freecodecamp (It goes through the basics of web development. There’s some reading but it also allows you to practice within their own environment. I used this to go over some of the basics of HTML, CSS, and JS) 

 Traversy Media (Youtube channel that goes over web development. I used this when I was learning and actually lifted some of the stuff in his videos for my own projects)

If you have anything you want to ask me or if you just want to talk to me I suggest just DMing me through my Instagram (@alex_yingnan_lu)

[sinofwriting]

Just Because - Pete Davidson

Words: 586

Prompt: 11. Social Media Influencer

“Hello, everyone! And welcome back to my channel.” Y/N smiled brightly at the camera. “Today’s video is going to be a little different as I’m doing the boyfriend tag with my boyfriend Pete Davidson.” As soon as she says his name, he slides into frame. 

“Hey guys.” He chuckles, resting an arm on the back of her chair. 

She smiles at him, before looking back at the camera. “If you don’t know Pete is a fellow youtuber with the comedy and music group channel called Trash City Boys, and I recommend you check them out as they always will provide a laugh.” She turns to look at Pete, raising an eyebrow. “You ready for this?” 

He smiles softly and nods, knowing that this is her double checking with him. “Yeah, what’s the first question?” 

They get through the questions with ease and it’s only as they reach the last one that Y/N hesitates before she asks. “When did you know that you loved me?” 

“I don’t know if there was a specific moment where I was just like oh shit, I’m in love with you.” He laughs. “It was just something that I could feel slowly happen. I do know when it started.” She raises an eyebrow, gesturing for him to continue. “You had just met my sister for the first time and it was after you left, she looked at me and told me how you had made plans to go out with her. I think to do a spa day or something since I told you that her friends had ditched her. It was just you being you and offering to spend a whole day with this girl who you had just met.” 

Y/N reaches forward and cups his cheek before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “She wasn’t just a girl I had met. She is and was one of the most important people to you.” 

“I know.” He presses a kiss to the inside of her wrist, before pulling her hand away so he can hold it. “How about you? When did you realize that you loved me?” 

She glances at the camera, and wonders if she’ll even leave this question in. “Funnily enough, it was the first time I got to spend some one on one time with Ricky.” She isn’t surprised at there being no reaction from Pete. When Pete had introduced the two, they had quickly become thick as thieves, he would worry if it wasn’t for the fact they saw each other as siblings. “I hadn’t realized it myself, but he had and he was all too happy to point it out to me during lunch. Left me reeling the rest of the day wondering how I had missed it, but he hadn’t.”

“That was like five months in.” 

She makes a humming noise, before breaking their eye contact to look at the camera, going through the motions of her outro.

When the camera shuts off, Pete makes her look at him. “You knew that soon?” 

She nods, but doesn’t say anything. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“We’ve both had a rough time with relationships. And I know that just because you’re in love with someone or love someone doesn’t mean you should be in a relationship with that person or be around them. I needed to figure out if we were good for each other.” 

“Are we good for each other?” 

“I think the almost two years we’ve been together speaks for that.”  

Masterlist • Ask • Ko-fi

[twisted-broth]

Can you write something with reader making scarves and hats for the Sides and/or the Egos? -&

Thank you so much for the request! Sorry it took so long but I hope you like it

Warnings: small mention of choking, Remus

Jacksepticegos:

Anti can’t have a scarf cuse the fuzz would irritate his next wound

So he gets a cute black hat

Will only wear it when he has no other choice

Complains that it’s itchy and doesn’t go with his look but he actually really appreciates it

Schneeps scarf would be the same blue as his mask

Sad that he can’t wear it while working but will definitely wear it all other times

Fiddling with the tassels at the end helps him calm down after a stressful day

Robbies hat is purple with white polka dots

Oh my god you could not have made him happier he loves it so much

Will wear it all the time no matter the weather

He’s always a little chilly so it works out

Chase would get a grey and blue striped scarf with the bro average logo on the ends

Loves showing it off in videos but would refuse to sell copies as merch it’s just for him

Holds it close when he’s sad because it reminds him that someone loves him

Jackie’s scarf would be the same red as his uniform so that he could wear them together

It motivates him when he’s fighting crime because he remembers the people that he needs to protect

JJ’s scarf would be sepia and it has little reel things at the ends like the ones at the sides of old film you know what I mean

He wears it with a knot in the front so he can tuck it into his vest it looks very dapper

Honestly like exactly what his outfit was missing it’s perfect

Marvin’s scarf would be white with the card suits repeated along it

Doesn’t like to wear it when he’s working because he’s afraid of it getting ruined

Honestly like his most prized possession tho

It also goes great with his hair

Sanders Sides:

For the original four sides, you would make them scarves that match their Christmas sweaters

Logan’s would be white with those color squares on it

He would really appreciate how it’s not too outrageous and thinks it looks very smart

Likes to wear it when he reads if he’s not in his unicorn onesie

Virgil’s is purple with grey patches and streaks of gold to represent the storm cloud

Becomes a huge comfort item for him. Whenever he’s cuddled up in his jacket he tucks his face in it and is just surrounded by warmth and happy

He tends to poke through the crochet holes with his fingers. It’s a nervous habit but it calms him down

Romans scarf would be white with diagonal red stripes like his sash that are lined with gold and it has gold tassels 

He is so proud of it like if anyone so much as looks at it he’s on a spiel about his wonderful (friend or s/o), Y/n and how they made it specifically for him and wow aren’t they so talented

He used to dislike winter but now looks forward to it so he can whip out the scarf

A little jealous that you made one for everyone tbh

Patton’s would be that light blue and would have a line of little cats and dogs

It’s super soft he probably sleeps with it sometimes

He literally adores it

A scarf for Deceit would look like a yellow snake, scales and all

It even has a little tongue poking out it’s sooo cute

Gets really upset that he can’t tell you how much he likes it but you get the idea 

Really makes him feel like part of the group

A scarf for Remus would be a green ombré with the same gold trim as Roman

A little glittery to match his sash 

He’s super dramatic with it

Flicks it over his shoulder like a diva with a boa

Basically they all love it and would die for you

NateWantsToBattle Egos

I only know a few so apologies

You would make Natemare a metallic purple beanie that matches his eye makeup

Goes really well with his hair

Likes wearing it in the videos of some of his calmer songs

Perfect for the fall cuse the purple contrasts all the orange leaves which makes for the cutest wallpaper if you manage to snap a picture

It’s just super cute okay

For Phantom you would make a red scarf that matches his shirt

It has some silver detailing at the ends that’s reminiscent of claws and it looks really cool when it moves

Doesn’t like to wear it when he’s out because he’s gotta keep up the intimidating vibe but he loves wearing it at home

Purposefully keeps the house a little colder than necessary just so he can feel comfortable with it on

If you complain about it being too cold he’ll wrap both of you up in the scarf so now you can’t escape

I meant that in like a cute way but it came out very threatening 

You would make Natpai a beanie to go with his uniform

It’s black with a white lining and smaller gold trim

He def wears it to school when it starts getting colder 

Knows better than to say you made it for him cuse you would be hunted 

It looks really good all together tho

Iplier Egos

For my own sanity I’m only gonna do a couple but you’re free to request for any other egos. These are my defaults so specify if you want others

A scarf for Dark would be like the same grey as his skin, but it would have a bit of blue on one end and a bit of red on the other

Not really a huge fan of it but he knows you put a lot of work into it so he wears it anyway

If any other ego tries to make fun of it anti he will make them regret it

It starts to grow on him after a while

Wilford would, of course, get a classic bubble gum pink scarf that matches his mustache

You may have slipped a bit of bubble gum extract on to it so it smells like bubble gum

His face lights up when he gets it and he will hug you so tightly you might lose a rib

Wears it all the time except when he has an interview because he still wants to show off his bowtie

He won’t be as subtle as Dark if someone insults it. He will just shoot them.

You get a scarf for each Google with their corresponding color and maybe a few black lines to make it resemble a circuit board

Points out that he’s a robot and doesn’t need to stay warm

You just roll your eyes and wrap it around his neck

He looks confused, but he doesn’t take it off and eventually grows used to it

Will probably forget it’s there at some point and if someone points it out he’ll look down and smile and realize he needs it for other reasons

You make the Host a black scarf with quotes from his favorite book written in white

It’s really a lot of effort to put in for someone who can’t see

He still really appreciates it and almost never takes it off

Deathly afraid that some of the blood from his eyes will drip onto it so you help reassure him and change his bandages more often

You would make Bing a scarf that matches his shirt which is black with the yellow Bing symbol

Calls it “super rad bruh” which is probably a good thing

At one point he’s wearing it while skateboarding and it somehow gets stuck in the wheels which leads to Bing falling down some stairs and almost choking to death but it’s still pretty funny

You have since banned wearing a scarf while skateboarding

He spends a really long time trying to fix the damage that was done to it so you won’t be upset

It doesn’t turn out good, per se, but it’s nice that he tried

Bim Trimmer’s scarf would be pretty simple, black with crisscrossing grey lines

Doesn’t wear it on screen bc he’s clearly a professional but will wear it when he goes out of the house

Okay but if you guys were on a coffee date or something and he’s wearing the scarf it would be super cute

He’s a little easier to talk to when he’s wearing it. It humbles him

You make a light blue scarf for reporter Jim and a red one for cameraman Jim

It’s honestly so you can tell them apart easier

When you give it to them, reporter Jim goes on a very long-winded observation on the color and craftsmanship

“Look at this expert handiwork, Jim! And what’s that? Why it’s a knot, carefully concealed by the rest of the material. This is a rare sighting.”

Once the cameras aren’t rolling, they individually come up to you and give you a hug and tell you how much they appreciate it

[menswearmusings]

Refined Style or Simply Farce? Refining Your Style While Broadening Your Base

I joked to a friend who leans socialist that his new circular, metal glasses made him look like Lenin. He quipped, “We all devolve into farce as we get older, so why not embrace it?”

Spend a decade being interested in any subject or hobby and if it still holds a grip on you, that interest goes one of two ways: 1. You expand your horizons ever broader seeking the novel, reinventing your interest, or 2. You double down on the parts that excite you the most, whittling away the extraneous as you try to find its pure core. In other words, you either get into weird proportions and cropped pleated drop crotch pants, or you buy 7 pairs of identical shoes so you can wear one every day of the week.

I’ve never understood the guys who completely change lanes and get into wildly different clothes (no condemnation, I just don’t understand it). You won’t catch me dressing in hype sneakers and cargo pants or whatever for 2-3 years before switching again completely. Maybe I’m just slower and more risk-averse than others, so trying out totally different styles is off the table for me. I’m more the hone-in type of guy.

However, there is a balance between the two paths, and that is the different modes of life we all live in. As an example, I’m a tailoring guy through and through, and that’s my default mode of dressing for normal adult life. But as life has changed for me, it’s forced me to address those new circumstances in my wardrobe. In 2015, my wife and I took a trip to Italy, and I wore a blazer every single day. Then in 2019 when we returned, we had a 1-year-old in tow and we had a good deal of walking/hiking on the itinerary. I carried him in a backpack on those hikes. So instead of blazers everyday I had a lightweight M65 style jacket from Corridor, light sweaters, polo shirts, etc. Everything I wore was still within the realm of “my style,” but just more in tune with the activities we were doing and the reality of a small child.

I’ll admit it took me a long time to land on that Corridor M65. I’ve spent so long pursuing the Neapolitan + modern Ivy tailored look I love so much that I had trouble finding a lightweight, casual outer layer that I liked and would be functional. I tried chore coats, looked at weird skater kimonos from 18 East, considered Filson at one point; nothing was doing it for me. I found that M65 and was so thankful for it.

So how do you broaden your horizons for the different modes of life while still staying true to your style? Here are some ideas.

1. Broaden the list of inspirational, stylish people you follow

I have a fairly focused Instagram feed because my tolerance for crappy-looking menswear is very low. So I follow lots of tailoring houses and style-focused accounts, not many of whom post many fits outside that range. That means it’s hard to find inspiration for other modes of dressing. So break out of your rut and look for new accounts, blogs and YouTube videos to follow. Instagram’s Discover tab can help a certain amount (though boy oh boy do they really want you to watch their TikToks—I mean Reels). Following some hashtags can work, too, though again those can lead to crappy menswear photos so choose wisely. You can also just do it manually and look at the “following” list of other menswear accounts you follow to see if you like any that are different from the ones you already follow.

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2. Don’t be afraid to experiment and possibly fail, publicly if you’re comfortable

Try that bomber with the tailored trouser look. See if the hiking boots look cool with the denim and blazer. Order that weird kimono thing and try it on to see if it’s as cool as you think. If you post online somewhere (like Styleforum, the Reddit male fashion advice place, or Instagram), don’t be afraid to put it up and ask for honest input. Outside opinions can really be helpful, and sometimes failing provides for a better teachable moment than posting something fine or safe.

3. Write down certain situations and specific types of clothing you’re looking for to guide you down the path

It’s kind of overwhelming to think about expanding your wardrobe to new clothes for new circumstances. It can seem like you’ll need a whole new wardrobe. So my suggestion is simply to focus on the individual pieces you keep thinking to yourself “Ah, I wish I had something like ___ right now” and look just for that. That Corridor M65 I mentioned earlier was actually a jacket type I had been looking for for months and months: a lightweight outer layer with easily accessible pockets that I could put random stuff in when having bonfires or doing house projects, that I wouldn’t worry about getting dirty and which could be washed easily, but which was also designed to be a little dressier so that it wouldn’t look so out of place with a button-up shirt. The Corridor jacket’s hidden buttons, navy fabric and contemporary fit all make it fit those criteria well.

As life changes for you personally (and collectively in how we work and travel due to the pandemic), allow the changes to explore new facets of your style, whittling away the extraneous in each mode of life to be the most well rounded, stylish and on-target guy you know. In the end, we all devolve into farce as we get older, so why not embrace it?

Just bury me in navy on top and white jeans with suede shoes. That’s the pure core of my style.

(Help support this site! If you buy stuff through my links, your clicks and purchases earn me a commission from many of the retailers I feature, and it helps me sustain this site—as well as my menswear habit ;-)  Thanks!)

If you’re just getting into tailored menswear and want a single helpful guide to building a trend-proof wardrobe, buy my eBook. It’s only $5 and covers wardrobe essentials for any guy who wants to look cool, feel cool and make a good impression. Formatted for your phone or computer/iPad so it’s not annoying to read, and it’s full of pretty pictures, not just boring prose. Buy it here.

Read more at Menswear Musings

[purplesurveys]

1172

survey by pandaphant

Who's your favorite comedian? Sindhu Vee, probably. But that’s only counting the fact that I’ve only seen two of her skits. Out of all the acts I’ve seen, she’s the one who’s made me laugh the loudest so far, though.

Aren't you sick of all the *Are We Alike?* surveys? I’m not sick of them. I just think they’re too easy and fast to take so I like elaborating my answers so that I can still get a little ~reflective~ while taking that kind of survey.

Do you think there's anything you did better, when you were younger? Physical activities. I had a better stamina for jump roping and running when I was younger, and I was also a lot more flexible; I used to be able to bend all the way backwards and also have my toes reach my head while on my stomach.

Would you take the advice you give others? I usually don’t. I find that I’m better at giving advice than actually following through with them.

What did you have for lunch yesterday? I just had my leftover sushi. I didn’t want to eat all 24 that I ordered from the other night in one go, so I saved a little more than half of it for yesterday.

What's one thing that you would change about yourself physically? I’d go for the obvious and have my front teeth straightened, so I can finally stop feeling conscious about it.

What song has made you cry? Life Goes On by BTS.

How would you define success? Accomplishment of something for which I could be proud of myself.

Who was the craziest teacher you've ever had? Ironically, it was my Christianity teacher in grade school. Crazy old man who flipped out and humiliated students who didn’t bring their own box of crayons to school, and he also made me feel sexually violated when I encountered him shortly after my high school graduation. 

Do you think the Earth will face an apocalypse one day? I don’t think so.

What's the last thing you got paid to do? Work.

What's the one thing you could eat everyday? Sushi.

What do you hate about yourself? How frugal I can be, especially towards myself. Buy yourself nice things sometimes, @robyn hahahaha

What's your favorite alcoholic drink? Long Island Iced Tea. Or tequila.

Are you hyper today? No, but I was yesterday for Bang Bang Con haha. It was my first BTS event as a new fan and I had so much fun :(

Does Bzoink need an upgrade? I don’t mind what it looks like now. I don’t think they ever changed it ever since I first started visiting the site in 2009 anyway, and I’ve already gotten used to the layout. It’s easy enough to navigate.

Do you have a Millsberry account? No. I’m not sure I even know what that is.

Do you have a Neopets account? I didn’t, but I had an offline Neopets game on one of my old phones that I liked to play as a kid.

What's your life philosophy? I don’t really follow a specific one and let it serve as a guide all my actions. I just do whatever I think is right and what would help both me and the people around me.

What was the last thing you talked to your friends about? Angela and I were just talking about BTS lol. She was the one who reeled me in :((

If you are interested in going out with someone, what do you do? I simply like staying physically close to them and doing nice things for them. I’m not very expressive when it comes to this; I just let my actions speak for themselves.

Do you ever go to the beach? Yeah, of course. I love the beach. I’ve been aching for a trip for well over a year.

Would you rather have a cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate? Coffee.

How's your hair looking right now? I washed it last night, so it looks okay.

What's something your mother always says? Well these days, she always reminds us to spray alcohol and disinfectant spray every time a delivery for someone in the family arrives. Which is an understandable thing to nag us about.

What's something your dad always says? He doesn’t really have a catchphrase, though these days he does like sharing about the funny or educational videos he’s been seeing on TikTok.

What's your favorite thing to wear? Tank tops or airy oversized shirts.

Have you ever had a near-death experience? Nope.

What do you order at Starbucks? Grande iced caramel macchiato + whatever pastry they have that I happen to be in the mood for.

What kind of exercise do you enjoy? Taking a walk with my dogs.

What's the worst injury you've ever had, and what was it from? The infection/wound I got from when I went snorkeling without flippers and ended up grazing my left foot against coral reefs one too many times.

Do you still have any of your childhood toys? If so, what? Nope, my mom threw them all out as I grew up and when we moved in to our current house.

Did you have a Precious Moments colouring book? No, I’m also not sure what that is.

Don't you miss being 13? No, puberty wasn’t exactly a fun time as there was a lot of emotional turmoil happening.

How'd you react to receiving your very first pimple? I didn’t keep a journal entry or anything from that day but I would imagine I was surprised and horrified.

Are you spoiled? Only when it’s deserved. My parents have stopped buying things for me since I now earn for myself, but back when I was younger I will say I was the most pampered out of us siblings. That said, I still made sure I worked hard for whatever it is I was asking from them, like promising them straight As for a quarter or semester in class.

What's your favorite day of the week? Friday.

What room of your house do you spend the most time in? My own. I’m back to working there again since I’ve started to find the dining room noisy.

Do you believe in the death penalty? Only for extreme offenses.

Do you have MSN, Yahoo, or Skype? I don’t have accounts on any of these.

What is your biggest turn-on? Continued from...sometime last weekend? I think? Thighs or fingers.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? I’d rather be in a not-stuck-in-a-pandemic world altogether, to be honest.

Do you ever have any problems just *moving on*? At first, because I hate change and try to resist it as much as I can. Assessing myself in the last few months though, it looks like I’m much better at moving on with my life as I thought.

Do you collect anything? I collect BTS merch now...my collection is gradually getting bigger hahaha. I currently have all 7 of their Cold Brew Lattes, then I recently placed an order for their most recent album. Once I finish all the coffee I’ll move on to the Hot Brew ones, then I plan to buy 1-2 albums per month until I complete my collection, then move on to the DVDs, magazines, and other novelty merch. ZERO REGRETS

If you saw a shooting star, what would you wish on it? Sustained happiness.

Do you like rollercoasters? I’ve never ridden one and I don’t plan to.

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone else? Get them a customized locket/necklace. Either that or make a video compiling greetings and photos with friends when I had no clue how to edit videos and had to learn from scratch.

How do you celebrate Halloween? I don’t strictly observe it, but when I do it’s usually because someone else organizes a party for it. Last year my company had a Halloween party, then the year before that Rita’s sister invited us to their college party, etc.

Who is your favorite villain? Gus Fring from Breaking Bad.

Do you have a favorite coloring book artist? I have a couple of Steve McDonald coloring books; I like his works because they’re gigantic and yet super detailed. Keeps me occupied (if I ever do color) :)

How many pairs of shoes do you own? Idk, I think around 10 would be a safe guess.

Have you ever wanted to model? I did, back in middle school. That was when VSFS was still a thing and I had wanted to be like those girls lol.

When you want to unwind, how do you relax? Light up a scented candle, take surveys, and, lately, watch whatever BTS content I feel like consuming hehe.

How do you react when someone you know's having a freak out? Try to calm them down as best as I can and make sure they aren’t hurting themselves.

Have you ever seen someone have a seizure? No.

Do you have a phobia? Cockroaches and any sharp points.

Who is your hero? I don’t have one.

If you were to commit a crime, what would it be? No thanks.

Have you ever used drugs? Nothing beyond caffeine, nicotine, pills I take for headaches.

How would you define what you want out of life? Self-satisfaction, I guess.

What's your favorite car? A Mini Countryman.