#but sometimes writing is just hard and i have to tell myself its a hobby. consistency is not required‚ its supposed to be fun

[xawkward-ariesx]

The problem with leaving it ages between updates is the longer you wait, the more pressure you put on yourself for it to be perfect which just further disincentivises you from writing. But like girlie it doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be written

[antigonick]

Hello! I've lost my love for writing. Everytime I write, even if what I'm writing is, in my head, something that I would love and have fun writing about, I feel utterly bored and would rather do anything else than write.

I've tried to distance myself from it, finding other hobbies and spending time reading or watching or just consuming media I enjoy, find inspiration and so-and-so, but I always find myself itching to write, yet when I do, I'm bored again and the cycle repeats.

Is there any advice you could give?

Hmm... I'm not sure. I've been through the push and pull of wanting-to-write but losing-any-interest-in-writing once I sit down, and the daunting feeling that comes with it (did I just lose it?). Thing is, since my work life makes academic writing and translation compulsory, creative writing has re-become a pleasure and an escape because, in part I think, of its contrast with work-writing—its freedom and its specificity, its lack of responsibility. Academic writing is hard and challenging but peaceful because it is disciplined and I have to tackle it, whether I like it or not; creative writing is MINE, with all the anguish and the joy that comes with it. It's the same with reading—I'm often burnt out, but the possibility of free reading when I so often have work-reading makes it desirable all the same. So, two things:

If you have story or character ideas, but no writing fuel, don't lose the pleasure of story-telling just because you won't make it into a coherent, finished text: share it with a group of friends and/or writers, write about it if you can't write it, give very short-length prompts a shot, etc. Creation doesn't have to end up in production to give you pleasure and keep the creation gears oiled up.

Give yourself a writing chore, something that is more about crafting than free-creation. Translate something linguistically difficult. Write a review, a summary of an essay you like, whatever. Or, if you prefer to write fiction only, do with a daily compulsory word-count (a small one): see if discipline breaks a dam and makes the possibility of fun writing without obligations shine brighter by contrast.

That being said, sometimes a break is nice. I stopped writing for a long time at one point, and it's encountering a work that pulled me out of complacency and made me want to reply to it, to jump from and beyond it, that brought me back around. Not doing and leaving things to simmer a little at the back of your brain for a while isn't always bad. A reset can be healing too.

I'll leave this here if others want to add ideas in the notes!

[mrhaitch]

Hello Mr. Haitch, how are you ? I reckon that since you're an author married to an another wonderful author, you may be familiar with the self-doubt and overall bleh feeling that comes with writing and not really finding pleasure or purpose in it anymore. My question is : how do you deal with that ? I don't see myself as a writer but I still try to nurture this hobby, it's just been hard when everything I write ends up feeling flat at best, unreadable at worst. I don't really have writer pals or readers who give me feedback and I was a bit sad to realise that even when sharing my writing on online spaces where there are no stakes, it still feels like a race to notes and interactions. How can I keep pushing past this ? How do I improve when no one gives me feedback ?

I'm doing well, thank you anon.

Yes this is all familiar to me, and it's something I'm presently overcoming myself (I think it's been over two years since I managed to complete something).

I think there's a few different things here to address so I'll take them each in turn.

Motivation - Loss of motivation is inevitable. All love affairs have peaks and troughs, creative ones doubly so. Accepting that what you're feeling now will pass in time can help, but it's not a cure. When I feel like a failure I try to remember something Neil Gaiman talked about a few years back: writing is a lot like trying to get to the top of a mountain, with every word being a single step closer or another foot surmounted. If you find there's a time you can't write, you're not going backwards, you're just standing in place. Sometimes you have to in order to catch your breath. Forgive yourself for taking a breather - and try to figure out why you need it.

Writing in isolation - This has been my own experience, to tell the truth. I hold a Masters degree in Creative Writing and sat through many hours of workshops, but even then it still felt like I was writing alone - that somehow the conversations that took place in those groups were competitive and unconstructive; everyone eyeing each other, asking 'do you like me? do you like my work? is this okay?'. Writing can be lonely, especially with that first draft where you're writing with the door closed, just figuring out the story one line at a time. You can experience several lifetimes in the space of an hour and occasionally emerge from your writing place, puffy faced and wild-eyed, feeling like you have to tell someone what you just witnessed, but find people give you a quizzical look and fail to understand. Working with others, sharing with others, especially people who do understand can be a wonderful balm for such extended (and sometimes necessary) solitude - but it can have it's own problems. Sometimes you internalise the expectations and tastes of others in such a way that proves more of a hindrance then a help. Which brings me to-

Writing for a social media profile - I've done this myself some times and fell into the same trap you describe: second guessing my work for the sake of a theoretical audience, interpreting a lack of engagement as a sign of my own failures or short-comings as a writer. Even when I published for the first time, and then again for a second, I have only met one person who read my work and it was only because they were published in the same anthology. The relationship between artist and audience is difficult, fraught might be a better word, and one that deserves its own post. Sometimes the audience feels they're owed something by the artist, sometimes the artist senses that expectation and subjects their work to censure to adapt it to what they think the audience wants from them. In the end you've got a work that satisfies no one. Social media can help you find an audience - but it's also a medium built around habit, dependency, and engagement. It's not a true reflection of your worth, but rather how closely what you produce as an artist best fits that platforms algorithms and business models. And, here I'm flirting with arrogance a bit, you should never really concern yourself with what everyone might think.

As for advice, here's the best I've got: find whatever it is that brings you to the page and keeps you there. If trying to satisfy the expectations of others isn't helping, then focus on what you want. How would you tell this story, if you were the only person to ever read it? How would you excite yourself, challenge yourself, enlighten yourself?

Beyond that I'd suggest reading a lot and reading widely. Feed the creative compost heap that dwells in the darker, mustier corners of your mind, and see what weird and wonderful things take root.

And if you want something to prime the engine, watch this short interview with Ray Bradbury towards the end of his life. It always cheers me up:

[batmanfruitloops]

Hi! Im having trouble with starting my first Batman AU and I love the one you two have so I was wondering if you have and tips or pointers of starting one? Like maybe how to introduce characters and such or how to start the story?

Im sorry if this was long or if its too much, have a great day/night!

I think it really depends on what you want out of it. I use this AU to practice skills for my career, such as writing, character-building, animating, etc. I listen to a lot of videos about every part of film production to help me better understand what to do. Especially things related to character. Even if your AU is just for fun, I think it's still a good idea to do a little research about writing. Observing your favorite movies and films helps a lot! I think animated films are a great teacher of storytelling! Especially Pixar films, since their philosophy is "story is king". Watching movies is just how I personally learn, you may have some other way of learning best so take all this with a grain of salt, I'm no expert I'm just very passionate about storytelling especially through animation (though in this case, it's storyboards/comics since that's what is possible right now).

Your characters are everything. I would suggest developing them as much as possible before you introduce them. They should feel like a real and complex person. They shouldn't feel like a robot that are only made to achieve their motivation. Sometimes simple things like "What are their favorite foods?" can start building them up as a person. They should have flaws, blemishes, strengths, hobbies, everything a living person should have. That way when you introduce them, you will have an easier time showing your audience who they are. First impressions are very important to characters, your audience should be able to understand what kind of person they are right off the bat. I think a good example is Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. The whole point of his introductory scene is to tell the audience "he is unpredictable and you will never know what to expect from him." Show don't tell is a very important rule to follow, don't tell your audience what to think.

For starting your story, you need to consider when it is. Is it at the beginning, middle, or end? You can put your audience anywhere in the story, so think about the optimal place they should be for the story to make sense. There are many different versions of Batman but they all begin in a different place of Batman's life. Some stories start at the beginning of him becoming Batman like The Dark Knight, and some start at the end of him being Batman like the Arkham series. It's up to you to consider at what point of your character's life the audience should be placed at.

To be honest, it's all up to you. What do you want? How do you want things to be done? This is all just a big case of "learn the rules to break the rules." Maybe you don't even want to learn the rules at all, and that's ok. It's important to remember to make what you want to see. Your art is for you. There is no right way, just some ways are more efficient than others. Let your soul make its messy finger paintings and enjoy the ride. Because more important than anything is the enjoyment of your work and the process. I have a hard time not being a perfectionist over this AU because it's what I want to do with my life. I want to tell stories. I have to keep reminding myself this is for fun, and it's ok if it's not perfect. It just has to be what I want to make. Honestly, I could ramble on and on about storytelling, so I'll save an 8-page essay (which I actually wrote on a similar topic for class). My DMs are open anyway if you want to ask anything else. I hope this was helpful!

I also agree heavily that your characters should feel like people. And along with that, pacing is really important. You don't want your story to feel rushed or lagging at any point. Like Fluffy said, it's always a good idea to reference your favorite materials. It's good to have moments that are just very real, for lack of a better word.

It's also important to understand your setting. The main focus may be the characters, but you want to make sure they feel present, and not just in a void. Establishing shots are really good for that, since it shows off a large area, then allows you to "voom in" and focus on where ever there's action happening. Reference photos are your best friend here. Use as many as you need, it'll only get easier with time. Which leads to another part of settings; if you're in a characters home/base what makes it theirs? Like how the Riddler usually has question marks and scribbles all over the walls, as well as generally being a mess. It gives you an immediate impression of how scatterbrained and paranoid he can be. In comparison, someone like the Penguin presents a clean, luxurious lounge that shows he means business. Whether or not a character is meant to go through a defining change, it's important that they stay true to themselves as a person. If they had trust issues before, they shouldn't trust someone without a reason. Or perhaps someone makes a mistake, that mistake should have consequences. I just think of this because there's a lot of cartoons where something will happen one episode only for it to be treated like it didn't happen in the next episode. Dialogue is also another important factor. Does that feel like something you could actually hear someone saying? Does the grammar make sense? If their natural pauses? This can be broken up from panel to panel, if it's in comic form. Depending, you can give characters different fonts to emphasize that they sound different, although I'm not an expert in that, it's just something I've seen before.

Again, pacing of characters talking (or thinking, etc.) is a must to be aware of. If spoke that aloud, does it feel rushed? Too slow? Are they giving enough context? As the writer, you know everything that's going to happen. Because of that, writing incomplete sentences can happen. That doesn't mean you have to explain everything in simple terms for everyone, just enough for it to make sense and feel real. If you're going for a comic, layout is another factor to consider. Read as many comics are you want. Stare at how it's set out, how everything flows from one panel to another, one page to another. I'm not much good at this one myself yet, so I just suggest looking at your favorite layouts and figuring out what about them you like. A bit of what I've learned is to consider what's happening. What I mean is, if everything is very straight forward, you can do a bunch of box panels, whereas if you're meant to feeling something along with a character, you can go more organic, there doesn't necessarily need to be boundaries in scenes like that, and a mix is generally good for most scenes. A whole establishing shot can be one page and do plenty.

I tend to ramble, and I have a lot of other stuff that I'm passionate about with writing and visual in comics/storytelling, like colors, symbolism, and lighting, and character design so my dms are also open for anyone who'd like is discuss more, :)

Fluffy and Sarsee

[chubs-deuce]

Hi, fellow writer/artist here! This is about your recent post about struggling with your writing, and I found that I had a lot to say and I didn’t want to clog up the comment section, I hope it’s alright that I sent it this way, and if its too long or not helpful, my apologies XD

My number one tip: there are no rules! Writing is fun time! It’s kids finger painting with words! Its emotions! It’s characters we love, and stories our hearts or brains or some other parts of us wanna tell! Always lean into what sounds the most fun when you’re stuck! Even if you never use it! <3

In my experience, some writing is better than no writing when you feel like it's not good. Sometimes to get out of being stuck I find it best to just keep typing, even if it stops making sense, or i hit enter twice and start rattling off a new scene or a different story entirely! Sometimes I will literally just type ‘why does writing feel so hard. This feeelsss dumb blah blah blahblahblah fuuuuuck fuuuuuuuuuuuck why do I feel so stuck -’ And so on until eventually my brain thinks of something else haha – literally just a brain dump. Type any random word that comes to mind. Sometimes I just open a clean document and go at it with this, you can always copy paste anything remotely relevant that may come out of it somewhere else later.

The rewrite loop is a hard one, I find that when I'm stuck in that space, sometimes taking a step back and just literally making a bullet point list of the scenes and/or what I want to accomplish really helps! Recently I also started going through and highlighting certain passages or concepts in the document that are poignant to the themes or vibes of the story/ that I wanna circle back around to in some way. Its been helping me keep things a bit more consistent in terms of emotion, and has helped a lot with ‘scene-block’. Bc instead of being like ‘uhhhh okay what now?’ I can always look back through the highlights and see what needs to be carried through more – or it can spark a new idea from thinking over how to get to that specific point you want to reach!

Sometimes when writing feels too daunting to me I’ll literally just tell myself “that’s okay. You don’t have to write. You can do literally anything else.” And sometimes just that, the verbal removal of the pressure, can loosen things up – especially if I do want to be writing. But sometimes, you really just do need a break from it. Picking up another hobby to fill writing time when I’m burnt out really helps me out!

I’ve taken months away from all sorts of writing projects before (both fan work and personal) bc there was just a block. And it sucks. I’m really sorry you’ve been dealing with this, it’s such a frustrating experience.

Honestly, sometimes writing can help you work through something IRL, but other times I find that sometimes the writing has to wait until I’ve hit a certain milestone personally. There’s a project of mine I pick up maybe once a year. Maybe. Because it just can’t have what I need it to until I sort some of those personal things out in my own life.

I’ve also noticed how much your Charlastor Fankid AU has taken off (Love Dawn btw), and you expressed recently how you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of asks/etc with the executive dysfunction of it all (same btw) (I’m also the person from the comment on that - hi lol). I wouldn’t be surprised if some of those pressure-feelings you’ve expressed have bled over into your other WIPs, pls be kind to yourself <3

Think how long people waited for Hazbin content from Viv, or any other number of indie-origin fandoms. When people love an idea or a style or any other number of things, the people it resonates with are happy to give the person or people behind it time. You can tell when someone enjoys making things. When something is made with that passionate spark. I want you to know that your posts really do have that. I can tell how much love you have to give through your work. People who like your stuff aren’t going to disappear if you need to take a minute to breathe, you know? I know the world we live in, and the faux-perfection of the internet can make us creatives feel like we need to be machines, but it’s not true. We’re people. And other decent folks will be happy to respect that!

Creativity and how we express it is very personal, and everyone’s process is different, so I can only really speak from my own perspective here, but you’re doing great. Your work is amazing, and I hope your writer’s block clears up soon!

I hope this message doesn’t come off weird in any way, with this massive message out of ‘nowhere’, my heart just really went out to you on this from one writer and artist to another. I also sent this as an ask bc for some reason sending a DM this long felt weird given that we haven't really spoken before.

Good luck with everything! Always here if you need another creative person to complain to or chat with LOL

- Lizzie

sobbing, this actually made me so (positively) emotional man-

Thank you so so so much for taking the time to type all this out and reach out like this, it honestly means the world from me, especially since your ask here really is oozing with empathy and care in ways that surprisingly hit me in the feels pretty good???

I'm sorry I didn't respond to this sooner but I kind of couldn't muster the energy to give it the kind of response it deserves that wasn't just senseless keysmashing sdkjhsdkjfh

what's wack about my particular kind of writer's block is that I'm more than happy to ramble on and on about Dawn and my ideas for her story in asks etc, but to make a coherent story of it feels like an undoable feat somehow?

I've always had a knack for piecing together a plot out of thin air or based on next to nothing to go off of, but it's actually putting it into a consumable format that I always, ALWAYS get hung up on, and it bothers me to no end :'3

Your reassuring words genuinely really help a lot in soothing my fears of, well, I guess irrelevancy?

I do ultimately write for myself, but I can't help but feel like there's a ticking clock in the back of my brain that tells me I need to make something consumable before the "fad" around Dawn especially passes and most people that would've cared about a fic about her have already moved on, if that makes sense?

It's a stupid amount of pressure to put on myself and maybe even sounds kind of arrogant, but I do thrive off of seeing people react to and think out loud about things I'm passionate about - it's a connection, a communication of sorts, something I'll never not desperately crave.

I've been having so much fun with Dawn and the story surrounding her and I couldn't be happier that people are so engaging with what I put out in turn! So much so that a part of me dreads seeing when that will come to an end ^^"

I'll keep trying though, and keep doing what I love <3

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out like this, a lot of this is something I definitely needed to hear and words can't express how much I sincerely appreciate it ;w;

[sgtmickeyslaughter]

weekly tag wednesday

tagged by @energievie @lingy910y and @mmmichyyy

name: gigi

age: 24

your time zone: est

what do you do for work? junior architect at a midsized firm, but im hoping to get hired some where better in the next couple months so wish me luck

do you have any pets? no

what first drew you to this fandom? i started watching shameless in my Postgrad Summer of Aimless Unemployment and looked up the show on tumblr and saw how vibrant the fandom was

are you a morning person or a night owl? both 😅 i push myself to be a morning person bc i think its a better healthier lifestyle but im most creative at night and sometimes i just cant resist an all nighter

what are your hobbies? so many, im too energetic for my own good lol. writing, drawing/painting, bookbinding, reading, yoga, cooking, running and now that its springtime, tennis.

how tall are you? a teensy bit over 5'-0"

if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? i already live in my lifelong dream city. I love ny but i toy a lot with moving to chicago bc its way cheaper and a bit more laid back, id also like to live in another country but all my international friends here have such headaches dealing with visas etc. i think ill stick to visiting

favorite color? olive

favorite book? the vegetarian - han kang

favorite movie? thats such hard question but monkey man is my favorite ive seen this year

favorite fic? box in the box

favorite musical artist: tyler childers

what is your average screen time so far this week? pass

what’s the first app you open in the morning? messages, i usually have texts from friends and family in other time zones. I try not to open social media or emails before coffee

how long have you been on tumblr? literally a decade, on my main/personal blog

finally (and i know this one is hard) tell me a fun fact about yourself: i would sell all of you for a box of pocky atm

tagging: @stocious @blue-disco-lights @mickeysgaymom @deathclassic @atthedugouts @mickeym4ndy @iansw0rld @jrooc @mickittotheman @metalheadmickey @gallawitchxx @em-harlsnow @sirrudo @mybrainismelted @heymrspatel @krysmiss

[milekael]

TEEHEE tagged by @rizaposting to do this >:3c

are you named after anyone?

I named myself 😎 The name Miles came from Miles Edgeworth LOL Me and an (ex)friend really liked Ace Attorney and the joke is that I was Miles and they were Franziska, and because at that point I was looking for a name it worked nicely!

However with time I really didn't want my name super directly attached to anyone, thats when I figured Mikael out as like "A longer version of Miles" and to be my name name SDFGHJ

I still use Miles a lot and like Ace Attorney btw! if anything, lately I been using Miles online more than my name for the sake of not putting my full name on the interwebs lol

when was the last time you cried?

Help 0 idea. I used to cry a lot as a kid and now for some reason is really hard for me to do it dfghj not even as some kind of psychological hang-up or anything I just can't really do it.

do you have kids?

Noup

do you use sarcasm a lot?

Kinda? Normally just with people I am close to because if its with anyone else I worry it might be misunderstood.

what sports do you play?

I don't play sports but I do really like doing physical work! I used to do a lot of construction work like building frames when I was at college.

what’s the first thing you notice about people?

A weird way to say it but I like to see people's "character design" LOL as in... I do perceive people very based on "If they were a character, what does their design tell me about their personality" kind of deal dfghj

what’s your eye color?

Grey-ish blue. Dark blue?

scary movies or happy endings?

help I am very VERY selective with the kinds of horrors I vibe with so really happy endings pretty much 97% of the time (Fear & Hunger is the 3% lol)

any special talents?

Huuh I know how to take machines apart! And how to build many many things out of trash. Also by taking machines apart sometimes you learn how to fix them, but I wouldn't trust myself to fix anything super important lol

where were you born?

Caracas, Venezuela! And I moved to the U.S (Sadly) in 2017.

what are your hobbies?

Help what do you do when your hobby is your job. I do a lot of the "ough I been drawing this thing for too long, I better take a break and draw this other thing" LOL but huuuh when I feel like doing something else I play videogames. Also I have gotten into online roleplaying again and I been starting to write fics, different from the things I usually have to write for work reasons so I count them.

do you have any pets?

The creachure The Beast Maki Roll. She is a cat.

how tall are you?

UUUH 5'3" or 5'4" I can't remember lol

favorite subject in school?

Saying art feels like a cope-out uuuh In Venezuelan highschool I really liked Literature and Biology was fun! And if we talk about college I didn't expect Sculpture to be my favorite but it was! And ofc I really liked Oil Painting (My concentration lol) and Illustration!

dream job?

OUGH I really want to work as an art curator in a museum :') or in general in a museum, put me to make an archive of historical stuff and I'll have a blast.

Another thing I would really like is working on set design! again I like physical work and traditional art so I would really enjoy it sdfgh Also also sdfgh my main goal is to make comics of my OCs lol but I don't... exactly want to work under an specific company (Maybe have a contract for publishing but my story wouldn't fully belong to them U know) so really my dream scenario is me working for some of the other stuff I want and also make comics on the side dfghj

SDFGH TAGGING HUUH @bolitamurcielago @seastawright @todd-machine and huuh @pixiunera sure why not!! (BTW don't feel preasured to do it I just threw you because friends beloveds <3 )

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

20 questions for writers

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

81 at the time of answering this. I'm constantly adding new ficlets though, and actively working on two unpublished wips that I'm very excited about. 

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

471,069

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Steddie. My hobby is just Steddie. 

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

🐉 Hic sunt dracones

🦇 Possession 

🔥 Whatever you want it to be 

(WTF, that only finished posting earlier this month, are you all insane???)

👨‍👩‍👧 Someone who cares

🧜‍♂️ Just add water

5. Do you respond to comments?

Always! (Well, except the outright rude ones, but I can count those on one hand.) You took time out of your day to tell me what you thought of my fic, and that is so incredibly motivating and means so much to me! 🥰

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I yet have to write an actual long fic with an unhappy ending, but i once made Steve come back wrong and killed everyone but Eddie and him for a ficlet, does that count? 😅

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

All of my long fics have happy endings, but Hic sunt dracones probably has the happiest to me. They're mated and disgustingly in love and it's flower crowns and apple pie and hot, hot monsterfucking forever after. 🐉🔥❤️

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've been called racist and ableist and British, among other things, but 99.9% of all reactions I get are lovely! 💖

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I've … been known to write smut, yeah. 🤣 

I love exploring all sorts of different vibes and dynamics, but I think porn with feelings is what I do best.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Nope, just wild AUs. 🐉🧜🏻😈

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope. 

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I co-wrote an original work with a school friend some 20 years ago. And by co-wrote I mean we took turns with the document and key-smashed what we thought should happen next where the other had left off. 🤣

The King’s Gift will be a very close collaboration between @house-of-the-moving-image and I bc we've developed the idea and the entirety of the plot together and are bringing it alive through our respective mediums. It's heaps of fun! ✨️

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

(drumroll) (expectant silence)

It's Steddie, people. Not only because they've quite literally eroded my brain, but also because of the wonderful people I've found and the beautiful experiences I've made and continue to make in this fandom. I've never been active in any fandom before, but I'm so, so glad I've taken the leap. 

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

I try to finish all my WIPs and am very much committed to finishing the two I have ongoing rn. 

That being said, there's a bunch of microfics and drabbles I'd love to expand on if I ever find the time (lake monster and ballerina Steve, I see you). 😅

16. What are your writing strengths?

I've repeatedly been told that I create very vivid images with my writing, and that's something I find really lovely. And I love world building. ✨️🥰

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Wordy bitch disease. I ramble, I spiral, I spin completely out of control. The amount of fics that ended up being much longer than I initially thought is embarrassing.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I’ve never actually done that. I’d definitely enlist the help of someone who is proficient enough in the language in question to ensure I don’t make an utter ass of myself. 😅

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The wizard who must not be named. I must’ve been fourteen or something? It was probably so bad, and sometimes I think I'd like to re-read it again, but it’s now lost on some hard drive in a junkyard somewhere, hopefully never to be seen again. 🪦

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I love all of my fics, each for its own reasons, but Hic sunt dracones will forever hold a special place in my heart. It is everything I ever dreamed of when I fantasized about writing and publishing my own fics but was too shy to do so. I’ve met and befriended amazing people over it. It has fanart. Even close to one year after I finished it, people are still telling me how much they loved it, and it feels so wonderful to know my writing resonated so much with somebody out there. I can never talk about it without getting all up in my feels. 🐉🥲💕

Some zero-pressure tags: @eyesofshinigami @vecnuthy @sidekick-hero @penny00dreadful 💕

[monstersinthecosmos]

I was asked in that Fanfic Writer Asks thing 💛 What is the most impactful lesson you’ve learned about writing? and I wanted to break it out into its own space.

The No. 1 Most Impactful Lesson is Write What You Want to Read

But I do want to speak about this for a minute because like everything important that I know about writing ALWAYS comes back to this idea, and there's two main points I want to make about it.

Your "VOICE" is about your taste and your ideas more than it is about your technical skill, language, and structure.

People I think stress about "voice" thinking that they need to develop their language and prose and rhythm and all the flowery poetry. I don't think it matters, personally. I think if you have an idea, the idea itself is the thing that drives the story.

Fanfic is awesome to use to learn how to write because it's accessible to everyone, and you get such a wide sampling of skill in one place. And sometimes you can see a really atrocious fic and it kinda teaches you what not to do, and helps you understand what you do or don't like as a reader, but sometimes you also see the good idea peeking through and you can enjoy it anyway. There are fics I ADORE that are so sloppily written, break all the rules, formatted like shit LOL, and I'm still HERE FOR IT because the author had such great ideas.

I'm sure anyone who's learned a second language had learned this, but, I remember when I was studying abroad that the college president welcomed us to the program and gave us this huge pep talk about how like, when you're out in the world speaking a second language, your grammar isn't important. If you can COMMUNICATE, that's what's important. If you can point to the apple you want to buy and say "Apple buy", the person will understand what you're trying to say.

So I think of writing that way, too. Your ideas are more important than your technical skill. Share the ideas. Keep sharing the ideas. The skill will follow when you're putting the time in.

2. Writing for fun is just as valuable as writing for work.

I took a long break from fanfic writing in my 20s because I kinda thought I'd "moved on" and that it had been my teenager hobby. And I had gone to college for photography and becoming a professional photographer really killed a lot of my passion for the art. College really brainwashed me into thinking creativity is a waste of time if it's not monetized, so even though I always enjoyed writing, I spent a few years being hard on myself and thinking it was stupid to waste time on writing fic because I couldn't sell it.

And that's such bullshit?

Because the truth is that, by telling myself "Don't write stuff you can't sell" I just wound up not writing anything at all?

And writing is like, my lil thing that that I do for fun. I can do it for fun. It feels good. It's the space I've made to be creative where I specifically don't have to worry about money, and I value it so fucking much.

I'm sure there are other people who bypassed this life lesson by NOT falling into a capitalist trap LOL but if I can share that, to help others avoid it, I will!

Write what you want to read, because it's fun, because you want to! Because you have good taste and that's your voice! You can be confident and stand up and say "I think this idea is cool so I'm going to share it with you!"

Trust yourself and your taste!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't stress about the technical stuff, it will follow!

(Bonus point #3 is bonus because it's a little more about technical stuff but if you start thinking about write what you want to read WHEN YOU READ it really helps inform how you think about your story structure and pacing. Like when I get stuck on a pacing thing I'm always thinking "Would this bore me if I were reading it? Would I want to be slow burned? Would I want more time spent on this payoff?" etc. I think that shift in mindset really helps when it comes to your story structure!!!!!!!!!!!)

[jolapeno]

Hey there, I truly admire your openness about your anxiety, and I was wondering if you could offer any tips or techniques that have helped you, especially in the context of being active on this platform. Love your work!

tw: anxiety

hi anon! thank you so much, that's really nice of you. i deffo think i could be more open about it, but it's nice that I've been able to be open enough for you to reach out. i'm sorry it took me a day or two to get back to you, i just wanted to make sure i thought up/over things so i was being as helpful as possible! it's important for me to stress that my situation and my anxiety isn't going to be like everyone else's, and how i cope with it isn't like the "go to". but here are some things that help me (i am not claiming that any of these i came up):

creating a rainy day folder: bad days are a thing for everyone, but i know what things put me in a "stormier" frame of mind, and what i'm critical about. so, when things make me smile (comments, nice reblogs, tags, inbox, dms) i screenshot them and pop them in this folder. and when i need an extra boost (or some proof to fire back at my brain that it's wrong) i spend a bit of time in there. as it's me, it's highly organised HA! but, it deffo helps having the folder, and its reminded me, at times, why i love what i do here.

celebrate with cake: i'm a high-functioning person, who has super low self-esteem. for a good portion of my life (an embarrassingly large portion, honestly) good accomplishments were not celebrated. so, now i make a point to celebrate certain things with food (or books, if I'm reading a lot). one thing I've learnt with my anxiety is that it's easy to get into a cycle, and one way of breaking this is to stop and take the time to realise the milestones I've accomplished or how far I've come. just the other day, i took a walk to the shop and grabbed myself a chocolate bar. a year ago, i wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that by myself. and it's important to recognise those achievements when you've had a hard time. i also recommend everyone gets themselves cake when they finish a series (it's the rules, i swear).

learn about yourself: i'm going to be brutally honest and hope this doesn't bite me on the arse, but there are a lot of times i don't really like myself? i don't see the value i offer, i feel like i let people down, etc etc. it used to be worse, and one of the ways that helped me go from every day i didn't like myself to occasionally disliked myself, is by educating myself on me. I've spent a lot of time making myself small to fit in, I've done things others are into so i fit in to the point i wasn't sure who i was. so, when i had a menty-b (the name i call it), i sat with myself and learnt what i liked. music. movies. clothing. passions. hobbies. i have always written, but i wasn't necessarily writing things i loved. so, i changed it. i dated myself (a term lots of people use). i told my husband i was going to spend Friday nights with myself, and i did something i wanted to do. on my own. and in time, that helped with my anxious feelings and my fears about being online. because i spend a lot of time worrying about what people think, but by dating myself i could learn nice things about me - and that way, had things i could tell myself i knew were true: that i'm actually very nice, kind and really funny. it might not making pressing 'post" easier, but i can hold my chin a little higher?

set yourself a goal of happiness: we're all motivated by different things. sometimes, we make a mental goal to ourselves and it becomes blurred and distorted in numbers. but, if your anxiety (like mine) likes to have a thing to measure itself against, choose something that isn't numbers based, but happiness based. did someone tell you this month that your writing/art/gifs made their day? did something you say make them feel better? it's hard, it really is, and i know there will be people reading this and scoffing, but truthfully, one person telling me something i wrote made their day is all a jo really fucking wants. because i'm going to write regardless, it's a choice i make to share it. so, while i gave examples above, that isn't my current goal, but it was a goal i had, and as long as i try to remind myself of that it helps.

which leads me into, try to stay away from the numbers game which i know is hard. but it does nothing for an anxious mind. like, it's a fickle thing. moods change. don't base your worth on a number, you matter far more than it.

accept it's a part of you: this one is more about me, but since you're asking me i thought this is probably allowed. i have a long-term anxiety disorder - which took a long time to get diagnosed - and i have some other little... things that come with that. and for a long time, i felt broken. but, i was reading a self-help book (because your girl loves reading books about brains) and i realised that i have anxiety. it is already part of me. so i need to work with it. anxiety isn\t nice, it's not kind and it's really annoying. but it also makes me empathetic, it makes me care about the work i do (both here and in my day to day life), or makes me compassionate. whether you have it short term or long term, sometimes it's better to accept it's there, acknowledge it, but DON'T FEED IT. have the worries, and then halt them, tell them no. I've found fighting it before I've got the strength doesn't help me. but, waking up, knowing it's there, nodding at it helps keep it in check. this might not make any sense, but, you know.

and finally, the one i'm still working on is: i cannot fix everything and this is fun, so i need to ensure it stays that way for me. which i know isn't really a tip. but it's a good thing to remember. i am one person, it is not on me to check on every single person. it isn't on me to read every single thing. i don't have to engage with things i don't agree with, i don't have to say all my opinions. i can change fandoms. i can not post for a day/week/month. and all i have to do, if i want to, is offer my absolute best. that's it. it's hard. and it's tough to swallow. but sometimes, a jo just needs to be jo.

i am not sure if my rambling has been helpful, but i thought i could list these: plot your fic, find a buddy to talk about things with, surround yourself with good people. but I've said all of these. but the above are things i can do by myself. they are things i can control. and with anxiety, we're all just looking for the things we can manage, and so i based the list in that way. thank you for coming to my jo-talk, i'm going to go hide from being so vulnerable.

[delta-orionis]

Tuesday Again No Problem 2/13/24

My friend @girlfriendsofthegalaxy has a weekly post series summing up things she listened to/watched/made/etc that week, and I'd like to give it a try myself. I tried to do something similar with my Synthwave Sunday posts, but those ended up being unsustainable for me in the long run. I think something in the middle of the week might be a bit easier for me to maintain, but I'm not going to hold myself to a strict standard or anything.

Without further ado:

listening

Mostly the Rain World soundtrack. It’s good to put on when I’m focusing on something else.

That said, I also listened to Tangerine Dream’s album Hyperborea in its entirely the other day, and I ended up liking it quite a bit. I might have to look into more of their stuff. It’s full of good retro synths.

reading

I finally started reading Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie earlier this week, after the poor book had been sitting on my bookshelf, unread, for nearly two years. Good friends of mine have been telling me I’d enjoy it that entire time, but I just never got around to starting it until now. I’m not very far into the book, but I like what I’ve read so far.

I made a post a few days ago about why I think I have trouble reading books these days. Because of the way my brain works, I have a really hard time keeping characters from a piece of media straight in my head if it’s not a visual medium. I already know this book is going to throw a lot of characters at me, so I’ve been doing my best to write down a list of characters and their basic attributes as I read. I’m hoping it will make this book easier for me to parse, because I really do want to give it an honest shot.

I’ve been mostly reading during my downtime at work, which is few and far between these days, so I expect this book will take a long time for me to finish. Time will tell, I suppose.

watching

Fallow week. Unless Rain World memes and Canopener Bridge videos count.

playing

Still playing Rain World. I’m very close to beating Artificer’s campaign, but at this point I’m kind of just milling around getting passage tokens and finding pearls for Five Pebbles to read. I’m not going to be a completionist about it, I mostly just want to see how many pearls I can find before I start to get bored.

(I’ve brought him seven so far.)

making

I’m continuing to work on my Five Pebbles amigurumi.

I still need to finish and attach his arms, and then make his cloak. But he should be finished soon! Then I’ll start working on Looks to the Moon.

He ended up being much bigger than any amigurumi I’ve made before, but I’m fine with that. It’s an interesting challenge.

I’m also going to count my recent post about my Rain World iterator headcanons in the “making” section too, because fuck it, media analysis is a hobby too.

Rain World in particular has been a pretty good chew toy for my brain recently. The lore is kind of vague and confusing, but there’s enough there for you to begin to piece together the bigger picture. I recall reading in a devlog, “Some mysteries in Rain World aren’t meant to be solved”, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t going to try! And try I will, even if it does make me feel like that one scene from It’s Always Sunny sometimes.

[l0viez]

May I request a reader who feels like they're falling behind in life? I feel this profound sadness when I realize others are further along where I want to be.

I'd like Kaeya for this one (And Zhongli if you have time).

Really sorry that im late for this! i had a busy scheduleT.T!, also sorry in advance if some of my writings is abit.. confusing? or not rlly that understandable! im still a newbie at these! This was in a rush so if i have some extra time ill rewrite and make it more better^^

This can be seen as romantic or platonic!💟

🗡️Kaeya! ;

Kaeya's first and honest reaction was .. kind of mixed

He felt abit little bitsy upset for the person you always look at and compare yourself too

He felt alot of concerned and sadness , concerned because of the fact you would stop talking or just go to your own world whenever you see them

He was very saddened over the fact you look and felt miserable just because of it

the first time he knew about your situation and what you were feeling these days

He felt guilty and mad at himself because he didn't get to manage to see it more earlier

Kaeya WILL visit you daily with flowers!

Theres are no ifs or buts

you will see him at the front door waiting for you

it will become a daily thing until you finally feel better again

(unless you want him to visit u everyday🤭! just request him xox)

Kaeya will be inviting you to tavern to make you feel calm down and to distract you from you feeling upset

knowing kaeya he will still tease you but he will lower it down too make sure it doesnt say anything to tigger you

he isnt a afraid to make himself look like a fool just to distract you and make you laugh

he will even skip some of works to hang out with you to distract you from all those stress or

a little headcannon : since he got em 💵💵💸 whatever your hobbies are he will buy you the items needed for your hobbies!

Cooking? you have a whole kitchen for yourself to make foods and make your own recipes!

Singing? He will rent out a whole year room just for you to sing, it has a mic and everything

Drawing? .. yeah he would probably ask albedo for some tips on what to buy good materials LMAO

Kaeya is the type of person who would distract, make you forget about your worries, spoils you rotten, be more 10x clingy, make you laugh during your bad times❤️

Kaeya is super supportive of you and respects your decisions but sometimes he worries to much for you thats why he's always looking out for you!

He will even take you to some sceneries or areas that you havent went before and explore abit !

he just wants to express his love to you and to tell you everyday that your more than good enough and that what ever you have or got is something to cherish for and that one day you will be like someone you idolize!

he will wait for you to succeed to the things you want to be in life, he will be there at your comfort <33

he's honestly so proud of you like he would be like "yess💅🏻thats my boyyy/girll!" (hes a silly lil goofy man dont mind him) if you ever surpassed or succeed on the things you want to be or you want to succeed in

(he would even throw a celebration on it too😭‼️)

He's that hype man you didn't ask for but still (thankfully) got/jk

(he gives me that "its us againist life"/jk im unfunny like cyno im sorry)

" Oh (n/n), took you long enough, almost thought Id have to spend this night by myself.. drinking (your favorite drink) by my self... Ow! that was a hard one — hey hey! I was just kidding you didn't have to hit me that hard haha.. here come sit with me! .. what's that? you still have work to do? heh. Your staying here with ME tonight. Relaxing! The night is young, how about you relax abit? Don't worry I'll help you with your problem tomorrow! Would it really kill you if you don't work for one day? "

His first reaction was most likey confused..

Dont blame the poor old man he is still learning

Ofc he would be also half upset bout it too

Cause like.. what his DEAR IS UPSET? HE is UPSET as well😤‼️

Zhongli would be so confused because like he will catch you looking down or feeling down

he would ask you if you were alright and you would tell him you were okay

but more days went by he FINALLY gets the clue

He brought you both to a fancy expensive looking restaurant (ofc childe payed for it)

When both of you got comfortable now

He legit straightward asked on what was goin on with you for the past few days

he would give you the most OBVIOUS things and asks you the most OBVIOUS things as well (his trying his best😭💔)

(but then again, I feel like he will get it already but he will act like he wouldn't just cause "communication is the key" and he didn't want to be rude and assume on what was going on so he has to make sure of it"!)

When you confessed on what was going on and how you felt down because of it

he will also visit you everyday like kaeya's! but no flowers.. well probably a pretty rock but who knows

he will use his wallet/childe to get you both in some fancy resturants whenever you both have spare times!

Zhongli would be like your spotify premium but instead of music he is like a radio.

He will tell you stories non stop to "distract" you from feeling upset

good thing his voice is calming

so while your doing your thing he would be talking in the background

Zhongli will probably even give you his specialty dish just for u<3

zhongli will be the type of person who likes to think that making things from your heart or homemade is more special that buying

(he just dont wanna admit he has no cash to buy you gifts/jk)

just like kaeya he would maybe take a day off to spend time with you

Instead of buying you newest items you wished you had, he will give you some items they used before when he was still a archon younger!

Unlike kaeya who likes to distract you and make your worries clear off ur mind, Zhongli will instead give you some "wise" advices on what you want to get good at and be more more supportive of your decisions!<3

He understands that there's a huge difference between a human and an archon but that won't stop him from giving all his best to help you get what you think its missing from you‼️

He's that "proud father" or "proud old grandpa"

He's more layback and chill than kaeya, like he will also tell you to relax and to not overwork yourself as well

If you manage to overcome or succeed or surpassed the people that you used to look at with sadness

Zhongli will most likey to celebrate that and even invite some people from liyue!

He will even take you on a peacefully calming date while you tell him about what happened

Zhongli is willing to listen to you 24/7

he will probably request you to do your hobbies or the things you love infront of him

and he will even act dense about it (sly mf)

" Greetings (Y/n) , I have some plans for us to visit somewhere special. Ah ah. *holds your hand* don't even think about going back and overworking youself now. You don't have to rush yourself always you know? Im worried about you, you might even get a fever from thinking too much.If you ever need someone to comfort you I'll be there at your call now.. I ordered us some relaxing tea at Yanshang Teahouse, let us go and grab it shall we?

This is just a little bonus message, if you ever feel sad about people who are futher along where you want to be in. Remeber to not pressure yourself to becoming a "improved" you. to not overwork youself for it. Don't be hard on your self because sooner or later you will be on the top or be the version you wanted to be. Dont rush and try to have fun along the way and to stay safe always<3.!

[maskedteaser]

hii i just saw the rdr2 matchups you did and i love them AND HOLY SHIT APEX FAN‼️‼️ i love how detailed you are!! love your writing!! so if ur not too overwhelmed with requests id like to make one :3 and honestly if ur doing matchups for apex id love that too there's so little apex ffs, especially x reader </3 no pressure tho!!

anyways as for me. uhh. i don't use labels (aside from being asexual) but am pretty masculine in gender, and my love is for any gender. my pronouns are he/him :3

more about me,, im vegetarian, my favorite animal is the octopus, im chronically ill & disabled, which means i have chronic pain and have pretty bad sleep (literally writing this at 10 am after not being able to sleep all night) but despite that i have a weird paradox where i am kinda strong? like i can pick ppl up. but can't have much activity for a long time lest i cast spell 200 bpm on myself. but for the sake of the ff i could totally bench press arthur morgans 180lb of pure muscle. its true <3

in apex i main wattson and bloodhound! but i also like crypto, octane ofc (who doesn't), loba, and... im sorry.. wraith 😭 i got wattsons heirloom after. a very long time of opening packs AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH no regrets!! french girl with giant nessie plush!!!!! tho i haven't played in forever (and honestly may keep it that way with how much they're nerfing bloodhound.. like.. c'mon man.. not my main.. they've already been nerfed so much 😭)

i recently started playing rdr2 cause im visiting family that has it (theres actually been a lot of funny stories being on an unfamiliar console, like playing 22+ hours and reaching chap 2 without knowing how to save.. and i didnt know how to tell arthurs weight so i kept him underweight for so long my poor starving man </3) after playing rdr1 quite a bit. i also vibed with john hard in 1 but i lowkey thought he was an angsty young adult in rdr2 and not a FATHER. my favs are arthur and javier tho i can barely see the latter cause where tf is he on the map?? same with charles where IS HE??? but anyways i also vibe so hard with kieran.

tho i could talk forever about my interests, other than that for personality: id describe myself as actually kinda confident around strangers, i love to compliment ppl i come across. for friends, much of the same, i like using improv as humor if that makes sense, ive been told im easy to talk to, i consider myself intuitive (also contributed to me being a tarot reader i believe), but i am the type to have a veeerryy hard time expressing negative feelings im having, and never crying in front of people, so no shortage of bottling emotions. im also rather rigid on cleanliness and WILL start tweaking if me/my space goes too long w/o cleaning. i really, really care about people (i would want to be a paramedic!! if my body could allow it..) and i so want to make peoples lives better!! but also can rather easily stop people from walking over me, should they try. i care about kids a lot, and get very peeved when other ppl dont know how kids brains work and mistreat them because of such, and cause they just have no respect for children. honestly with thinking like.. about formulating matchmaking requests i never really seem to think about what id want out of a person. honestly, just when someone cares (wow, such high standards) but should the time come, mmmost times im not afraid to make a selfish ask. most. maybe. sometimes. and im very, very empathetic and it SUCKS i take psychic damage every time someone even remotely, even HYPOTHETICALLY feels bad. this is not a virtue.

for hobbies, i like to play video games as you may have guessed, i also like to read (non fiction, classic lit and danmeis especially), make art of all kinds but mainly physical sketches, and im always looking to add more shows/movies to my watched list.

i love to visit restaurants and cafes and interesting places surrounding food!!! my idea of a good time is eating with people, even if its in a crappy chuck e cheese. i love to try new foods (but it's a bit hard since becoming vegetarian), and i love matcha! i also love visiting just interesting places in general. why go to disney when you can see a beautiful spot in nature, or an art exhibit, or a park, or just the lively downtown? but other than that, i love my dedicated space 💗

i dont like rude people. mean people. people mean to kids and animals. bigots. assholes. any synonym for that. but honestly, not much else. there are other things that sure tick me off but can be pretty easily taken care of or compromised for.

i hope i didnt write a damn essay. half of it was geeking out over interests but. im guessing the brainrot is shared. but thank you so much for even reading my request this far!! (*˘︶˘*)

hii! sure thing! i love doing matchups especially when you guys give me lots of details :) let's get to it :) THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD!!! I'M REALLY SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES!!!

okay, first things first - let me tell you why I didn't choose other characters :)

❝ im chronically ill & disabled, which means i have chronic pain and have pretty bad sleep ❞

Well, I need to be honest with you, I believe that despite your strenght, REVENANT would just make fun of your disability, he would NOT care at all, he'd probably pick on you and be REALLY rude. I hope it's not offensive (i'm sorry if i'm insensitive, it's not my intention), but I know he'd want to offend you. You could actually have a good hate-ship (if you know what i mean), where the only thing you guys do is fight with each other but I don't think that's what you want.

❝ im also rather rigid on cleanliness and WILL start tweaking if me/my space goes too long w/o cleaning. ❞

I'm sorry, have you seen OCTANE'S room? Let me remind you of that...

Can you see what is happening on his floor? This guy would probably drive you insane with how messy he is and I know he wouldn't care if you tried to ask him to clean it up... It would probably lead to many arguments and fights between you :(

❝and im very, very empathetic and it SUCKS i take psychic damage every time someone even remotely, even HYPOTHETICALLY feels bad. this is not a virtue. ❞

I have this feeling that Loba would see you as an easy target to manipulate, she'd think that she could use you after seeing that you feel really bad when someone feels bad, so she'd probably talk about her past a lot around you - trying to make you feel like you need to help her with everything. I doubt that it could work out :( I hope you see my vision and I'm not weirdly delusional with my ideas.

BUT NOW FOR A RESULT... (NGL I HAD A BIG PROBLEM WITH THIS ONE SINCE YOU SEEM TO BE A GOOD MATCH FOR AT LEAST 2 LEGENDS, BUT I DECIDED TO PICK...)

VANTAGE

I feel like you and Vantage could have a really good relationship! You both seem to aim high with your ideals and I just think that you both are really empathetic, a little bit emotional even... You share the love for animals. She has her Echo and she'd probably die for him. Vantage would never let any animal be mistreated when she's watching.

" why go to disney when you can see a beautiful spot in nature, or an art exhibit, or a park, or just the lively downtown? " - I think she thinks exactly the same! She seems to be a big fan of nature and she is an explorer. Born on a cold planet where everything wanted to kill her, she knows that nature can both be beautiful and deadly. She is also really nice, and I think that when she gets closer to someone, she actually CARES, like...A LOT. You'd probably be treated really well. I think that Vantage would be really patient when it comes to you and expressing your feelings, she'd never let you just walk away if she saw that you were upset, I think that communication and trust is a priority in every relationship.

She'd listen to you when you tell her that you have chronic pain and she'd do exactly the things you ask her to do, always trying her best to help you and she'd make sure you're not pushing yourself too hard.

Thank you for reading 👽👽👽

[bellaniebrambles]

Diary #008

I stood draped in all white, fresh cut flowers held within my dainty hands. I could hardly contain my excitement to see you again as if the night before may have been the last time. I never had a portrait painted of myself however I imagine capturing the smile I had that day would cause the paint to melt from its heat.

The whole event was suppose to be simple. I never was one for extravagance. When I stepped out into the aisle it was strangely empty. You were not there, never planned to be. I don't know why it took my mind to process this fact so long. The light bearing smile smearing into the dark ink I've been swallowed into.

Didn't even have the decency to tell me you were not serious, with me. Was I just a token till you finally locked my best friend down? I don't wish you two the best. At my core I think I'll hold a rage for you, forever. You made me feel a fool. Standing there holding those flowers, waiting…waiting for you. Waiting in front of my family. Waiting for you to not have screwed me over and abandoned me at the alter. I'm glad I never saw you again.

Its been years and constantly I'm reminded of this pain. I want to write the love I know I can feel. Write stories of love that don't fail, though I don't think it is possible. All my words turn into horror. Mystery…sadness. Heavy feelings of somberness. I leave my readers with thoughts of uncertainty. How I feel everyday.

I work down at Beechers Hope. The hard labor keeps my mind off the depression. There were a lot of people working there the other day. I thought I found a slice of peace, only sometimes it seems. People tend to invade everything. Luckily no one really notices my existence as I pick crops. People warn about bandits but I ain't got shit to rob except my life. This isolation often makes me wonder if I'm the ghost here, not my ex fiancé.

Maybe instead of writing books I just be the fly on the wall for people. Collect every ones juicy secrets. I already do, no one even thinks before they talk with me just idly loitering. Do they even see me?

Want to know who is robbing graves tonight? Who slept behind whose back? Perhaps my scripts of macabre should twist into a snaky slithers of this states gossip. Seems everyone loves talking this nonsense. Waste of air and noise from my own lips. I actually have hobbies to upkeep.

[impzone]

i was tagged by @anthonypanics! thanks for including me :)

were you named/named yourself after anyone?

there's a nonzero chance i named myself after a jojo character

when was the last time you cried?

when i was cleaning out my room before i started college. i was looking through old notebooks that had seen AGES of my life.

the specific one that made me cry was one that had covers in it from when i was in 4th grade, that then got used by my mom as a rabisco for a while. like this notebook had been through a lot, felt like a family heirloom for some reason.

after finding it mom showed me the song O Caderno by Toquinho and i sobbed.

do you have kids?

nope! if i did i'd be worried

do you use sarcasm a lot?

i think i use it more than i think i do. i say i don't like sarcasm but sometimes its fun when its very clear its a bit.

what's the first thing you notice about people?

this is a hard one. i'd have to say personal style? i tend to look at people's clothes a lot, then hair and any jewelry they might have. faces come as a close second (but i'm trying to make it a first for art reasons)

what's your eye colour?

dark brown last time i checked

any special talents?

i'm a really fast learner! or so i've been told. people tell me i pick up skills super quickly, but to me i can't pick them up fast enough for the amount of things i want to do.

scary movies or happy endings?

i wish i could pick scary movies. seeing letsplays of indie horror games makes me want to deep dive into horror, especially the real metaphorical psychological horror ones, but unfortunately i'm a big baby coward who gets jumpscared and panicked just from watching someone else play a scary game lmao

where were you born?

a city in Brazil!

what are your hobbies?

a whole lotta stuff!

digital art, writing, some traditional art, conlanging, game dev, web dev, 3d modeling...

now the amount i engage with these hobbies is WIIILDLY uneven, but i'm doing my best to tip the scale

have any pets?

used to! my sweet little kitty passed away last year.

what sport do you play/have you played?

i think i've played handball, futebol, tennis, (does swimming count as a sport? i did a lot of that) and i took like 2 classes of HEMA before quitting.

how tall are you?

i get a different measurement each time i go to the doctor but around 5'8

favourite subject at school?

i really liked english and language learning classes! until they got hard and i started sucking at them lmao

dream job?

very good question... currently im aiming to be a linguist. i'd love to do fieldwork and study how bilingualism affects people and language shift and accents etc. all of that is so cool to me!!

tagging: @hyp3rbolee @fishsticxz @h0ney-bee @bunnyswing @realcookii @splenduhdoy @angelbitezzz ...and anyone else who'd like to do this!

[lylilorden]

12 Questions for 12 Followers

thanks @dreamingthroughthenoise!!

1. Are you named after anyone?

nope! kind of the opposite, almost. ultrasound technology wasnt.... the best..... around when i was born, so my parents were expecting a boy, and then like twelve hours before i was born my mom had a funny feeling and they started shuffling through name books until they found my names. ha, jokes on them i grew up to be agender anyway

2. When was the last time you cried?

idk, probably no more than two days ago. i never used to cry, and now i cry at everything

3. Do you have kids?

i have my internet hellions @potatoesandsadness and @depressedwetnapkin, and also two baby nieces who i love a lot (but who taught me that yeah i probably dont want my own children. they are exhausting)

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

mm, i guess? i try to only do it if its obviously a joke bc i have a hard time telling when other people are sometimes, and i dont want anyone to struggle to interpret what im saying

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

in person, probably height? im pretty short so its a notable feature for me. online, i guess whatever the first handful of posts i see from them have in common?

6. What's your eye color?

bluegreengrey. they shift color depending on what im wearing and sometimes with my mood

7. Any special talents?

the first time i cook something it always turns out really well, and im good at remembering numerical passcodes and passwords. it took me exactly one time seeing it used to remember the code to the mail room door at my job (and my reward for that is that my boss always sends me over now to check it lmao)

8. What are your hobbies?

i read a lot, trad pub and fanfic (my favorite novel i've read this year is 'a taste of gold and iron' by alex rowland. my ao3 history is between me, myself, and i. god is not invited to this party, not even by implication). allegedly, i also write fic. im not very good at video games but i love playing uno on discord's knock-off uno app with @quack-snail-umbrella. im taking a ceramics class again bc i really enjoy it and that's the best and easiest way to get my hands on the materials. pressing plants for my collection, and occasionally making really stupid memes in a drawing app to inflict on my discord friends about niche things. does collecting books count as a hobby?

9. What sports do you play/have played?

i did gymnastics as a kid, and ice skating. i did archery in my teens, and nothing else since, bc between those three things ive made every single one of my joints permanently angry at me

10. How tall are you?

5' 2" with a lil upwards wiggle room

11. Favorite subiects in school?

art and history in high school, all my applied botany and ecology type classes im taking currently for my AS right now

12. Dream job?

that's kind of a tough one. i guess anything that helps me make a material, positive impact on the world? im not super picky i just want to not hate my job

tagging: everyone i already tagged up in my answers, @doodle-do-wop @displayheartcode @tethysresort @dear-rat-boi @my-insanity-is-an-artform @flaim-ita @sparklecryptid @chili-the-kid @kanafinwe-makalaure and anyone who feels like doing this