#but soft and bittersweet tiva feels always make me think of you!
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help me gather mine
Restless and worried in the wee hours of the morning, Tony leaves home to clear his head and finds himself in a synagogue for the second time this week. {missing scene from 10x12 "Shiva" shortly after the death of Ziva's father}
Friend drabble project, this one for my babe @benditlikepress, who is a fantastic supporter and a wonderful friend. <3
Can also be read on ff or AO3
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âA fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.â
â Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of InspirationÂ
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Tony closes the bedroom door behind him and returns to his makeshift bed on the floor outside the kitchen, tired and feeling heavy with borrowed grief. It comes as no surprise that Ziva dismissed him rather than choosing to talk about her feelings, but something about the way she looked before that, right when she woke upâŚÂ
Well, it has Tony feeling unsettled.Â
He doesnât go to sleep once he settles back onto the loaned inflatable mattress; his mind is too busy to relax, instead repeatedly mulling over possibilities and worries, stressing over solutions to problems that havenât yet been made entirely clear.Â
He needs to empty his head, get some clarity.Â
He texts Abby after another fifteen minutes of tossing and turning, and despite the late hour, he gets a quick reply⌠clearly, Tony is not the only team member still awake and worrying, and Abby agrees to his request without question.Â
He rises from the blow-up mattress and pulls on a coat over the sweats he wore to bed, then tugs on his running shoes. By the time Abby arrives, Tony is sitting on the stoop outside his apartment waiting for her.
âThanks for this,â he tells his friend, standing and clapping Abbyâs shoulder fondly.
âOf course. Has sheâŚ?â
âShe woke up with a nightmare, but as far as I know, she went back to sleep. Didnât tell her I was leaving.â
âHm. Iâm guessing you didnât tell her you called a babysitter, either, did you?â
âNope, and Iâm hoping she wonât wake up again to find out.â
âAlright. Well, Iâll keep an eye out.â
âThanks, Abbs. Iâm sure Ziva would be fine aloneâI mean, sheâs not even actually alone, Shmeilâs asleep on the couchâbut Gibbs would have my head if I just abandoned my post.â
âYou didnât call me âcause Gibbs was worried, Tony.â
Tony doesnât dignify that with a response. âIâll be back in an hour, two tops,â he says instead.
âBe careful.â
âYou, too.â Tony pauses, and then adds: âIf anything happens, if anyone shows up, Ziva can obviously hold her own, but⌠just in case you need it, thereâs a gun taped to the back of the toilet.â
They nod at each otherâthe heaviness of the weekâs events keeps even smartass Tony from making any jokesâand Abby slips into the apartment while Tony heads out of the building.Â
His feet tread a familiar path as he automatically settles into following his jogging route; itâs a good thing, too, because heâs not very focused on where heâs going. Instead, he lets his chaotic thoughts start to whir again, nudged toward organization by the mild distraction of exercise.Â
The urgency of the teamâs quiet investigation into Eliâs death has kept Tony from thinking too deeply about whatâs really concerning him here: Ziva, and everything that she must be feeling. Oh, he knows theyâll get to the bottom of the shooting at the Vance houseâthey always do, in the end. And heâs certain that theyâll get whoever is responsible for it. But for Ziva⌠None of this will ever be neatly tied up and boxed away for her, no matter how the investigation ends.Â
Tony has known for a long time that his partnerâs relationship with Eli isâwasâcomplicated at best. Until tonight, however, he had been focusing on what she told him when he found her after pinging her phone: she wants revenge. Of course, Ziva hadnât been lying then, and her words are undoubtedly still trueâbut her nightmare tells Tony that sheâs also just grieving. Sheâs hurting deeply, even if she wonât admit it to anyone other than herself. Maybe sheâs not admitting it to herself, either, though, and maybe thatâs part of the problem.Â
Tony can feel her slipping away. Rage and mourning are slowly eating away at her rationality, leaving behind someone whose behavior he canât predict. Heâs afraid of what sheâll do next.Â
That concerning thought is interrupted when something unexpectedly catches Tonyâs eye, drawing him back to where he is.
A few meters back from the sidewalk, tucked away in a large, darkened building, thereâs a single brightened window. Light passes through thick, translucent panes to spill onto the ground below, leaving on the grass a thin column of luminescence broken by only one thing: the shadow of an unlit menorah resting just on the other side of the glass.Â
The familiar shape makes something clear: whether by fate, coincidence, or simple subconscious choice, Tonyâs restless wandering has led him to a synagogue.
Heâs not sure why, but something about the place draws him inâmaybe itâs just a stronger-than-ever desire to understand Ziva. Whatever it is, though, it makes Tony leave the sidewalk, his feet passing noiselessly over a manicured lawn as he drifts closer to the window.
Inside, past the menorah, someone is visible. A man sits in profile, staring studiously down at an open book as he turns a page. Though itâs going on four in the morning and the rest of this particular sleepy neighborhood has been at rest for hours, something about this man seems⌠unhurried. Relaxed. Peaceful, even.
I could really use some peace right about now, Tony thinks.Â
Without letting himself consider all the reasons that he shouldnât, Tony turns to his left and bounds up the steps leading to the synagogueâs entrance. Then he knocks on one of its large doors.Â
For a moment, nothing happens. Then a face appears in the lit window that Tony can still partially see from where heâs standingâitâs the man who had been reading, and he looks at Tony in confusion.Â
Tony waves awkwardly, trying to look as non-threatening as possible, and after a pause of clear deliberation, the man in the window gestures something along the lines of âhold on a second.â He disappears from view, and shortly after, Tony can hear footsteps behind the door directly in front of him. Then thereâs the sound of a lock sliding free.Â
The door opens just a little. âGood evening. Can I help you?â
Tony isnât sure what to say without sounding insane, but he tries. âI, um, I was out walking, andâŚâ He sighs. âAre you a rabbi?â
âI am, yes.â
âAny chance we could talk? Like, now?â
Tony can dimly see the other man evaluating him and considering, and he finds himself really second guessing his impulsive decision to knock. To his surprise, though, the rabbi only pauses temporarily before opening the door further to admit him.Â
Tony sticks his hands awkwardly into his pockets and walks in, glancing around. This is not the same synagogue he found Ziva at recently, but even in the low lighting, he can tell that this one has a similar setup.Â
The rabbi interrupts Tonyâs musings by brushing past him after re-locking the thick door. âThis way,â the man requests softly. Then he leads Tony down a hall and into a large, almost cavernous room where Tony thinks services must take place. After motioning Tony into a pew, the rabbi sits down himself and looks at the restless agent expectantly. âOkay, we can talk here. Iâm Rabbi Aviyah Silvermanâyou can just call me Rabbi Avi. And you are?â
âTony DiNozzo.â
The rabbi nods. âAlright, Tony⌠whatâs on your mind?â
Tony shakes his head. âI donât even know,â he says, feeling displaced and wrong-footed. âI donât know what Iâm doing here. Iâm not even Jewish.â
âI could tell that the moment I saw you.â
âHow?â
Rabbi Avi smiles with a touch of humor at Tonyâs expense. âFor starters, youâre not wearing a kippah, but maybe more to the point, you look⌠very uncertain about being here.â
Tony laughs ruefullyâhe really canât argue with that astute observationâand he finds that the other manâs straightforwardness relaxes him a little. âYouâre not entirely off-base, I guess,â he admits. âBefore this, Iâve set foot in a synagogue maybe a handful of times in total.â
The rabbi dips his head again, looking thoughtful. âWell, something led you here. What were you thinking about when you decided to knock?â
âA friend.â
âWhat about them?â
âShe, ahâŚâ Tony hesitates and then sighs. âSheâs just going through something difficult. Iâm worried about her, and I donât know how to help.â
âHas she asked for your help?â
Tony snorts, trying to imagine that impossibility. âNo. Thatâs not really in her nature.â
Rabbi Avi lets out a quiet half-laugh. âWithout knowing exactly whatâs going on, thereâs a limit to how much advice I can give, but⌠let me say something general that I think you may need to hear.â
âAlright, shoot.â
âThere are things in this life that a person must face for themselvesâand by themselves. That isnât to say you should abandon your friends, but some demons live inside the mind, and sometimes, theyâre too personal to fight while someone else is watching.â
âSo you think I should just... leave her to it?â Tony asks, trying to work out the implications of the metaphor. âLet her deal with it alone?â
âNot at all. What Iâm suggesting is quite the opposite, actually.â
Tony frowns. âThen whatââ
âRemind her that youâre there for her! Even the battles we fight by ourselves leave us drained, right? If youâre up pacing the streets of Washington in the middle of the night because youâre so concerned, you must care about your friend. Feeling supported might give her the strength she needs to do what she has to do without you⌠so, tell her that when she finishes with whatever that is, she has you to fall back on.â
âShe knows.â
âMaybe she does, maybe she doesnât, but a reminder couldnât hurt.â
Tony finds all of this to be surprisingly logical, and he nods in agreement, staring up at a large Magen David hanging in a place of honor on the far wall and thinking of the one Ziva wears around her neck. âSurprised youâre not telling me to pray about it or something,â he jokes softly, his gaze and his thoughts still far away.
Rabbi Avi chuckles. âProselytizing isnât a very Jewish thing to do. Besides, no one ever walks in here looking to be told to pray.â
Tony smiles a little. âI wouldnât know how to, anyway. Zivaâmy friendâwould probably be able to teach me⌠She is Jewish.â
âI see why you ended up here, then.â Rabbi Avi reaches under his seat and pulls out a siddur, offering it to Tony. âIf you decide you want to try your hand at praying, this is full of prayers and blessings to choose from. What I think you really need, though, is some time alone in a quiet place to think.â He rises from his seat, and Tony pulls his eyes away from the unfamiliar text in his hands to look up at the other man. âMy office is down the hall on the right,â the rabbi continues. âIâll be in there if you need me, but if you donât, stay as long as youâd like.â
âThanks, Rabbi.â Tony offers a hand to shake, and Rabbi Avi accepts it.
âAny time. Youâre a good friend, Tony. Donât let yourself worry so much that you forget that.â
Tony isnât sure what to say to that, so he offers a small smile of appreciation. As the rabbi walks away and Tony glances back at the thick book in his hands, though, the sight of English text and Hebrew text lined up together offers sudden inspiration. âHey, Rabbi Avi?â
âYes?â The rabbi pauses just shy of the door they walked in through.Â
âHow do you say âyou are not aloneâ in Hebrew?â
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The sound of airplane engines fills Tonyâs ears as he walks slowly toward the tarmac; somewhere under those bright fluorescent lights, one of those planes is waiting to carry Ziva away.Â
Ziva herself stands back toward the gate, something making her linger even as she sends Shmeil on, and Tony, catching the tail end of the conversation, wonders what it is. Maybe itâs just dread for the tasks ahead of her, something Tony can understand.Â
âGo with him, Shmeil,â Ziva is saying as Tony walks up behind her. âI will be there in a moment.â
Shmeil, kind and good-natured as ever, brushes that off. âTake your time. Itâs a long flight. Besides,â he adds, making eye contact with a half-smiling Tony over Zivaâs shoulder, âI think someoneâs come to see you off.â
As Ziva turns, following her elderly friendâs gaze, Shmeil departs. Tony only has eyes for Ziva, though, noticing that sheâs entirely unsurprised to see that itâs him. âYou did not have to come,â she tells him quietly.
âWell, you always forget your gum and magazines when you fly, soâŚâ Tonyâs weak joke gets no more than the distant hint of a smile in return, so he stops trying for levity. âTheyâll find Bodnar, Ziva. Mossadâs looking, CIA, Navy Intel, Interpol... us.â He hopes that Ziva understands just how much support and care and promise is hidden in that last word.
Us.Â
Whether his intent is clear to her or not, though, Ziva doesnât say anything back.
âShmeilâs got your back,â Tony tries againâanything to engage her. He gives her a smile. âShmeil, the man of steel.âÂ
Still, Ziva doesnât speak. Her expression, carefully neutral, doesnât shift, either. That more than anything else worries Tony... Ziva hasnât always been overly impressed by his often childish sense of humor over the years, but rarely has she failed to react at all. This time, she doesnât laugh; she doesnât huff; she doesnât even roll her eyes. Itâs almost like something is weighing on her so heavily now that the effort of rising to his bait is beyond her capabilities.
Itâs like something inside her has broken under the heaviness of grief and of expectation.Â
Swallowing back a deep, bone-aching worry for his friend, Tony sighs, unable to stop himself. âDonât do this,â he begs, his voice dropping to a whisper, and he finally gets a response out of Ziva.Â
âI am going to a funeral, Tony,â she informs him with a slight nod, as if he doesnât already know. âI am delivering my fatherâs eulogy.âÂ
Thatâs as clear an answer as any, and itâs probably all that Tony is going to getâsheâs shutting him out again, and no matter how she felt about her father while he was alive, she will do what she must. Itâs time to give it up, to stop fighting her or trying to help her.Â
Itâs time to follow Rabbi Aviâs advice and just⌠be whatever Ziva needs him to be.Â
He can do that. âHowâs this for a⌠an opening line: âHe did it his way,ââ he suggests wryly.
Ziva studies Tonyâs face, and a small amount of the tension in her body seems to release. Thatâs enough to tell Tony that heâs doing the right thing. âMy father was, um⌠not an easy man to understand, and yetâŚâ Finally, she smiles a little.
âComplicated runs in the family,â Tony concludes.
Ziva hesitates, looking away for a few beats. âTony, IâŚâ She trails off rather than finishing, but she meets his eye again.
âWhat?â
He has rarely seen Ziva as vulnerable as she is then⌠Her lips twitch briefly, forming words that remain unspoken, and her eyes are a little too bright to be empty of tears; a smile emerges and then fades above her trembling chin as she fights for something intangible. In the end, though, her obvious struggle draws to a close when she reaches up to hug her partner tightly.Â
Tonyâs arms raise automatically to hold her back; her face presses so securely against his neck that he can feel it in her cheek when she smiles. This embrace alone, secure and trusting and intimate, might be nearly enough to knock his breath out, but then an unanticipated thought pops into his head and threatens to steal his breath entirelyâŚ
He loves her.Â
The realization, though unexpected, doesnât come as a shock. Of course he loves Ziva, even if he has never stopped to think about it. Sheâs his best friend and has been for a very long time.Â
Tony wonât do her the disservice of telling her now, though. She has enough on her plate without having to field any heartfelt confessions tonight.
Instead, Tony tells her something that means the same thing.
âAt lo levad.â
You are not alone.
Ziva tightens her embrace for a fleeting moment before releasing Tony and stepping back. Thereâs a smile on her face and tears in her eyes, and when she answers in a whisper, Tony thinks she might understand what he meant by it.Â
âI know.â
Not waiting for Tony to say anything else, Ziva turns away, heading purposefully toward the plane carrying her fatherâs body; then sheâs gone.Â
Still and quiet, Tony stares after her, worrying about her and missing her already.
He doesnât turn back until her plane has disappeared into the dark sky, long out of sight.
#ncis fanfiction#ncis#tiva#tony dinozzo#ziva david#cynthia writes stuff too#it's not as long or as beautiful as what you've written for me jess#but soft and bittersweet tiva feels always make me think of you!#also i originally thought this was gonna be under 1k words#what a clown i am lmao#friend drabble project#love u jess <3
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Second hardest 180 of my life
Thanks @talisbirthdaychallengeâ for prompting me to write again, it was a long time since I wrote a bit of fanfic and I had a great time. Besides, this is such a cute way to celebrate Tali and to bring together creative and talented people in this fandom.â¤ď¸I incorporated the birthday cake, the zoom call, the head-slapâ˘, an old inside joke, a blood relative on Zivaâs side, a pie to the face (actually cake if it counts), a song that makes me think of Tiva, an airport, a new dress and someone laughing until they cry.Â
English is not my native language so maybe I may have left some accidental mistakes or wrong idioms lol.
âImaa, where is my brush? I told you I would pack my own toiletries and..â How agitated Tali was. Being and 18 year old headed to college was not and easy task. She sat down on the bed, Tony watching from the doorframe.
âSlow down Tee, we have still plenty of time to figure out what you will put in your college boxes, besides, today we celebrate your birthday with grandpa Gibbs isnât that exciting?â
He received death stare from his daughter. He did not expect parenting a teenager would have been this hard. Yes, Tali sure has always been a very sweet and kind child but since she wasnât a child anymore, her character changed, her true colors started to show. Sometimes she reminded him of himself when he was her age but she most definitely inherited her mumâs sassiness along with the bravery and kindness.
Tony watched her as she slowly began to soften her expression. Although she was soon off to college, she would forever be his little girl, the same one that he watched sleeping every night in their tiny Parisian loft. Things changed since they moved back to DC when Ziva joined them again many years ago but he couldnât help but keep on seeing that little girl in her.
âYeah, I guessâ she smiled. âdad?â
âmhh?âÂ
âwill you and Ima miss me when I go away?â
In that exact same moment Ziva reached her husband. She took his hand.
âOf course Tali, nothing will change and you know you will always be welcome back homeâ
âBesidesâ Tony interrupted âIâll miss having someone around who actually gets my jokes and has the same taste for moviesâ he said teasingly. They all hugged as Tony begun tickling his girls. He knew they both had that week spot and he loved hearing their giggles. He always knew his wife had a soft side to her and seeing her grow through the years as a mother made it clear to him that he wouldnât have wanted anyone else by his side.
It was tradition like every year that the whole family reunited to celebrate Taliâs birthday. Of course it would have been at Gibbses place. Oh how much he spoiled that little girl of his. He cherished every moment with his grandchildren, Victoria, Tali and the twins but somehow Tali was the special one, also given the  delicate situation she had been through.
Also like every year it was a tradition that Senior would gift Tali a dress for her birthday and that year would be no different. He had a good taste and always sent the best fabrics for his favorite granddaughter. Her light blue knee length long sleeved dress matched perfectly with her light olive skin, and the dark blue dots were absolutely delightful, matching her bubbly personality.Â
Tony and Ziva decided back then that it would have been better for Tali and for them settle down definitely in DC, since a little help from their friends would always be nice. But through the years it was clear they made the perfect choice seeing how much Tali and Gibbs had bonded. She spent many afternoons after school with him since he retired from NCIS, and came to swear to know the secret to how Grandpa Gibbs got the boats out from his basement, to which Tony tried to get it out from her in every way.
âHappy birthday Kidâ Gibbs hugged her as they arrived at his home. He hugged his two former agents, who he considered his kids all the way. Not always had there to be blood to connect people as family, especially at NCIS. Unfortunately a difficult case at work kept the rest of the fam from coming but there was another surprise for Tali. On a pc Mcgee managed to instruct Gibbs on how it functions there was an Incoming Zoom video call.
Tali could not believe her eyes : âhappy 18th birthday dear Taliâ Uncle Tim, Uncle Jimmy, Jack, Ellie and her husband Nick the wuss, as Ima still jokingly called him, were all there. She was soooo happy gosh that was a nice surprise. They excused themselves for not being there and Tali understood because she knew what being a very special agent meant.
They opened presents, ate and laughed, even more so as Gibbs presented his homemade cake. And since it revealed itself to taste horribly, Tali and Ziva could not resist but smash some cake into Tonyâs face. It was such an hilarious scene for everybody except for Tony who desperately tried to remove it from his hair. It was a long time since Gibbs had seen such an hilarious episode and what was even more rare was seeing tears forming in Gibbses and Taliâs eyes, they could not stop laughing at Tony. It was one of those moments which Tali would have cherished for the years to come. Â
Late night arrived. The evening at Gibbses place had been great but back at home Tali started to become more and more agitated. Her parents immediately noticed.
âWhatâs wrong mon coeur? Is everything alright?â Zivaâs mom senses jumped in.
âyeah itâs just⌠I was wondering- her light brown curls now shaking with her head- i was just wondering what if I wanted to become and agent like you and Dad and Gibbs and everyone else?â Tali knew it was a very hard topic to touch since she heard her parents argue several times over which path would have been best for her. She was now old enough and really wished her parents knew what she longed for after college, the fact that that world has always called for her.
Tony and Ziva looked at each other knowing that maybe that moment would have come.
âwell Tali you must know that when I was introduced to the team I was still very young and it all happened whenâ
 âyeah i know when uncle Ari was sent here to kill Gibbs I know the story Imaâ
âyes. When we talked about you taking this path we were afraid, you know itâs a work full of threats andâ
âand full of pretty coworkersâ Tony added smirking.
Ziva smiled to his husband annoyed. âthatâs not the point, but you get it Tali. We donât want you to get hurt butâŚif that would make you happy then weâll support you and of course, you would learn from the very best.â
âlike your mother said I was once Very special agent Anthony DiNozzo andâŚâ he was shushed by his wife throwing a big pillow at him and everyone bursted into a laugh.
âmy Tali remember, you will be everything you are meant to beâ Ziva caressed her daughterâs cheek.
 âthanks Abba, Thank you Imaâ how grateful they were for their not anymore little girl.
The day arrived when they had to accompany Tali to the airport. It took Tony all of his power not to cry at the breakfast table as he hummed âslipping through my fingersâ from Mamma Mia in his head. Ziva on the other hand was better at hiding it, even though she always hated goodbyes. Well it wasnât technically a forever goodbye but knowing that the nest would be empty from that moment on left a bittersweet feeling In her.
âi canât wait to meet my roommatesâ was all Tali could say as they were about to say goodbye, her eyes now watery but full of resolution.âi will miss you but Iâll promise Iâll call as soon as I land.â.
âAnd if any boy tries to break your heart youâre still going to tell your old dad arenât you Tee?â Tali promptly head-slapped her dad just like Gibbs did for many years. it was actually the very first time she did it and it felt oddly satisfying. they couldât help but laugh.
The family hugged one more time before parting. As they were walking away Tony had to intervene:
âFunny how this is the second time I leave from an airport without Taliâ a nod to that evening at the tarmac. And again âguess this is the second hardest 180 of my lifeâ.
His wife stared lovingly at him. âshe will be fine, letâs go home Tonyâ. She rubbed his back ant took his hand. Everything was okay.
#happybirthdaytali#tiva#tivali#tony dinozzo#ziva david#tali david dinozzo#ncis#how long it has been since i wrote a tiva fanfic#my oh my they melt my heart#they have the cutest realtionship#grandpa gibbs I can't#tali and gibbs best pals#tali is such a sweetheart
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