#but since i can't attend in person classes due to my schedule

[nepsah]

hhhhhhhhh i took a programming class bc i was interested in learning how to do that and i do believe i have learned that i do not like it :')

[slavic-roots-western-mind]

Back to uni to-dos: Final year edition

This will be my final year at university, which in itself is honestly unbelievable. Here's a list of things to do before and during your final year, although anyone can benefit from this advice!

1.Review your graduation requirements Make sure that everything is on track grade-wise and that you have enough credits to graduate. If there are any issues, meet with your academic advisor so that you have enough time to fix everything and graduate hassle-free.

2. Fix your sleep schedule before your classes are due to start. You can't be productive if you're always sleep-deprived and running on coffee. Your final year is especially important, so you need to be able to focus, which is practically impossible if you're sleep-deprived.

3. Exchange contact details with your favorite professors, advisors, etc. This may be a cultural thing, but here it's quite usual to remain in contact with your professors. You don't have to be facebook friends, but having someone you can ask for advice or request a LinkedIn recommendation from may be useful, which leads me to the next point.

4. Update your LinkedIn & other profiles This includes updating your email address to something more professional because the email address you had since you were 12 is unlikely to be all that professional now. Add any experience that you may have, whether it's an internship, freelancing or a job placement etc.

5. Plan what comes after or review your plan Are you jumping into a masters degree? Freelancing? Working abroad? Not many people have a 100% finished plan, but it does help to research your options and have an understanding of what you want to do after. Things change and as the past year has shown, some previously considered options are definitely not it.

6. Career fairs and networking events Chances are you may have attended some, but for final years these things are especially important. You have a chance to personally meet recruiters and to exchange contact details which may come in handy in the future. Obviously you can do that via LinkedIn, but I for one think that talking in person can add more of a personal touch. Regarding networking in general, it doesn't necessarily have to be a formal affair. Sure there are those formal meetings but they don't always have to be. There are plenty of facebook groups e.g. marketing, women in finance etc. which you can join and ask for mentoring, advice or even if you can meet up for a coffee and a chat. Alternatively, your university most likely has a careers/guidance office where you can find out about any networking meetings or organizations that have events going on.

7. Create an application schedule Many firms open their graduate student program applications at a certain time, so depending on where you're applying, or if you're skipping that, a schedule is a good idea. If you're targeting different sectors then your resume will have to be altered a bit to make it appropriate for the job that you're applying for. Many jobs also require cover letters, so it may be a good idea to have a rough template so that you know what exactly it is that you're supposed to include and then edit accordingly.

8. Try to get some work experience It doesn't have to be full-time at an office type of work, but any experience is good. Freelance language tutor, an internship, volunteer work, writing for your uni's paper. Experience doesn't automatically guarantee you a job, but it can be beneficial in standing out or giving you an extra boost.

9. Try to get some extra qualifications A language proficiency test, a coursera course (there are quite a lot of free ones), a LinkedIn powerpoint course, Code First Girls javascript course (also free!). You can add quite a lot of skills to your LinkedIn profile, but you do need to be able to back them up. These extra courses and qualification aren't just good for your resume, but they're also a good way for you to develop new skills and develop new interests. And who knows where they might end up taking you. My teachers former student ended up finding herself a husband on a study abroad language program in Korea and now they're happily married and living in Japan I think.

10. Make the most of it Uni certainly has it's ups and downs, but for most it's a pretty rewarding and occasionally enlightening journey. You may have different feelings towards it, but it is coming to an end so make some good memories.

11. Remember that life will go on after uni Many people may feel odd after graduating, you just spent 3-4 years living your life as a student and now you're not. Your previous routines that worked before may not work anymore. You may not be as close to your former dormmates. You may drift apart from your college bestie. But life goes on. Many things may stay the same and even more things may change and that's ok.

[twistedwonderlandshenanigans]

Hi I love you @my-cursed-brain (if you want me to tag your alt in the future just lmk bc. I will probably split this into different posts just for the sake of organization) Anyways!! Regarding the Dance AU, I'll give you a little bit of bg information first. Night Raven Dance Academy is a prestigious school with availability for anyone from the middle class tax bracket right on up to royalty, but the difficulty and the quality of the lessons are dependent on your financial standing. (For example, Vil, Neige, Leona, Riddle - they all have the best teachers NRDA has to offer, with a rigorous training schedule and their academics are less of a priority than dance is in terms of personal goals, and are done via asynchronous classes to accommodate for their schedule. Ace, Deuce, Vizzie (OC), are still in a pretty intense dance program, but they still have their normal classes to attend in person). NRDA is divided by floors based on where you're going for classes. Now for Neige, Riddle and Vil. They are the queen bees, studying specifically ballet. Since Leona took a temporary leave from the academy after a dance related accident, the three of them have been competing to be the top dancer at the school. They've got a "Mean Girls" sort of dynamic going, where they treat each other like enemies as much as they treat each other like friends. Part of this is because they've known each other since middle school. Part of this is the (mostly) friendly competition between them. Part of this is the Gender Envy. Neige is openly gender fluid, with supportive (adoptive) parents. This somewhat irks Vil, not just the self expression and the support, but it seems to give Neige more flexibility as their instructor knows Neige is comfortable playing either a typically female OR male lead, resulting in Neige being picked over Vil for leads often, never due to skill, only due to the comfort level the instructor has been made aware of. However he has major imposter syndrome and nobody he can talk to about it because he knows Vil and Riddle will kind of tear him apart, but his parents don't really acknowledge his issues, just telling him he's perfect and he knows its not true. Vil can't say he wants the female lead. He has considered coming out to his father as trans, but overheard a conversation his dad had with Riddle's mom, and realized the moment he told his father he would be disowned, his reputation would be ruined, and his dance career would be over. So he stays quiet, silently seething as Neige gets the glory he wishes he had. Riddle is afab in this universe. She is in denial about being trans, as she knows her mother would not be supportive, which has severely impacted her motivation and passion for dance. Everything just Feels Wrong, and when she looks at Vil and Neige she wonders why she feels a sense of loss or like something's missing. So her performance hasn't been as good as it has in the past, leading to more issues and one-sided conversations from her mother, and empty promises that she'll try to do better but she really doesn't know what's wrong. Her mental health starts to wear on her quite a bit, but Vil and Neige pick up on it eventually.

There will be a day, eventually, in which the three of them are able to really talk to each other and sort their shit but it takes A While to get there. wheeee thank you for asking about it I love talking about worldbuilding and stuff and its a great reward for when I finish chunks of hw so I really appreciate it in that way too lmao

[strobingthingsfoundindumpsters]

(Sorry for the unfollow-follow, I misclicked D:). I'm interested in your writing process! Can you share some aspects on how you write? How do you go from first draft to the final chapter & do you publish on the go or are you pre-planning? :)

Hahahha, I'm godawful at Tumblr, no sweat.

I exclusively pre-post. It's so bad that I actually have a fuckload of fics that I really want to publish, but I just can't, because I have such a busy schedule that I need to have them *done* before I can unleash them on the world. I work as a reporter with a really weird schedule due to being a caregiver. I spend a month very intensely working at the newsroom and travelling around the world for stories, and then I spend the next month caring for my people and editing other people's stories, attending night classes since I'm still finishing up my degree (had a lot of career pivots lmao, went from medical research to journalism, you see)- and writing fic! I'm fortunate that I'm a really fast writer due to my profession, and that I have a cousin who likes to tagteam me, so I can spend a month being a terrifying reporter, and then the next month swearing up and down I'm not going back to the chaos, only to swandive right back into, begging it to take me back.

I currently only have one fic that I'm consistently updating, and that's because I have a ridiculous amount of backlog for it because it's a frankly gargantuan series I've been working on for years. When I say ridiculous, I mean that I have parts that were written two years ago and were just waiting for me to fill in the middle and get to them.

Going from a first draft to a finished piece is handled like it's a piece of journalism. I write down a rough outline of "events" I want to happen- if it's a multi-chapter fic for a series, I usually have a "major event" that I need to get to, usually a reunion, character death, or plot twist, knowing my style. If it's a one-and-done oneshot, I wing that motherfucker from start to finish. When I have the chapter titles and a rough idea of at least half of the fic, I get to writing it. I write a lot of things on the go, too, and sometimes, I look back at my pieces and think something along the lines of: "Ah, I wrote you on the single ugliest fucking hospital chair I've ever seen. It was so ugly that I took a photo of it and sent it to my mother because I had to send it to someone, and she was really the only person I thought who would find it as hilariously ugly as me."

Everything else is pretty standard and boring when it comes to my writing process, except how I really like the Danish interpretation of semantic fields when it comes to characterisation- and because that's a batshit thing to say to anyone who hasn't attended my specific Danish public school in the oughts, I'll try to explain: I like to give my characters a "vibe" or a series of visual themes. Because we're both Plutarch people (and one of those fics that have been rotting on the backburner for months is a canon-compliant four-parter of a Plutarch character study), I like to associate Plutarch with classics, usually English or American because I think they'd actually survive for him to know about, Greek/Roman and Navajo mythologies, and baroque aesthetics, to exude aspects of his character through his environment, dialogue and mannerisms. (I write Caesar with the exclusive vibe of this one fucking parrot named Crackers that hates me. That's all I'll say.)

I have a *sheet* of these, so I remember which like, recurring themes I want to use. It's a very detailed sheet. I regularly, maybe too often, cross-reference to this sheet.

[nsk96]

Personal rant:

The future is looking bleak for me. Tonight my mom wanted me to look up this video on youtube, but on our tv. Using the TV remote to type is a pain in the ass because you have to scroll across the letters using arrow buttons, which take forever. And the video she wanted me to look up was a snippet from an old bollywood movie with one of the longest ass titles I've seen. I don't even speak the language so typing would take me a very long time and likely some cramping along the way. I told her "no, I'm tired". I didn't even give her an attitude nor was rude. I only walked away when she kept pushing despite me saying no.

she knows how to use said remote and app. She just wants me to do it because "she'll take too long". B.S. she handles it just fine with the TV in her room.

I'm fucking exhausted I don't want to do it. I spent yesterday and today sitting in a small room at my rotation site working on the computer all day, freezing my ass off. Then had to come home to hop onto a zoom meeting where I had to write notes at 100mph. I do nearly everything she asks of me; can I just relax tonight?

Guess what, since I refused, she had my dad do it anyway. I don't understand how she keeps acting like she can't use technology even though I'm always teaching her. It's like she doesn't want to learn.

And she made a big deal of me not wanting to do it. She "hmph!" like 3 times and then said, "I see what I have to look forward to," not directly to me, but in a passive aggressive way meant to either guilt-trip me or shame me.

Um...funny she would use the words "look forward to". Not just because it's obvious she expects me to take care of her when she's old and frail, but because she ain't there yet and expects me to perform that level of care already???? When she is fully capable to do this thing herself?

I refuse her once and this is how she acts? I think she's gotten spoiled. I do nearly everything she asks of me, as well as things she doesn’t ask of me like making her breakfast and bringing her food/snacks. Even letting myself be tortured through pharmacy school because a pharmacist career is what she wanted for me. And now I see what I have to look forward to. Am I going to have to face emotional abuse every time she doesn't get her way?

Did she only raise me to be her caretaker?

And now I have to worry about catching up with studying for NAPLEX on top of worrying about the probability I won't get residency because

My current rotation preceptor doesn't seem to like me much. So I'm not expecting a recommendation letter there. And I don't know how I'm supposed to build a relationship if she's too busy to talk.

My next rotation doesn't seem to even want me there. I have two rotations there. Preceptor #2 dropped me like 2 months ago, so I had to rush to find another (for context, we scheduled our rotations a year ahead. Finding another one in such a short space of time is very difficult). Now preceptor #1 didn't even reply to my email.

I need about 3 letters of recommendation from hospital pharmacists to apply for residency. I don't see it happening if this is the way things are going so far.

I don't know if I'll even be able to attend midyear. A resident at my current rotation recommended I do a presentation at midyear to increase my chances, but I don't know how I'm going to do that when I have these quizzes due for a NAPLEX prep class and I have to study in order to pass these quizzes. I don't know how I'm gonna have any study time with the commute times I'll be facing with my next rotations. I have to get at least a 70% on these quizzes or I'll fail the course. I don't know for sure if my school would hold me back a year for not passing these quizzes, but it sounds possible.

And as if it wasn't bad enough dealing with memory issues. I discontinued the topiramate a few months ago, but yet I'm still struggling to remember things. I forget some things literally 30 seconds after hearing them. A lot worse than before I started the med. I posted that topiramate meme I made to reddit, and someone replied stating that they're still have memory issues after stopping this med 4 years ago.

I heard that good grades isn't the only thing residency directors look for. They also look for "personality." I seem to lack both because I don't know how to connect with people without running the risk of trauma dumping on them :/

Thanks mom and pop for giving me said trauma and for blocking my every attempt to mend my mental health. "You don't need to see someone", my mom said. "it can wait until you get a job," she said.

If I offed myself, my mom would be the first to say she didn't see it coming, or she'd make it all about herself and what she could have done, despite not listening to me and minimizing/dismissing my distress every time I was vocal about it. What part of "I need to see someone" from a person who never asks for help, translates to "it's not urgent. It can wait until I get a job."

Not that I plan to...but I do get to desire to just run off to an isolated location just to feel safe. It's been stressful dealing with all of this on top of the shit going on with my dad. I don't see how living in an apartment by myself is any more dangerous than living with my dad? Which my mom seems to think it is. The major difference she doesn't seem to grasp is that living here, the threat is coming from the inside.

I'm tired

[annieintheaair]

Fake friends on weekends killing me slowly, getting back the time and love that I owed me. Finally getting good at letting go, mastering the art of how to be alone.

This has been quite the week. Once the work trips fall apart, they all seem to fall apart.

Wednesday ended up being "A Day" at my favorite bakery so I left a little earlier than usual to take a detour to get my free pie. It was worth it, even though I didn't realize I had a fork and literally had to fold the pie like a taco to eat it.

I made it to yoga, which was nice. My friends there were trying to be helpful by offering suggestions on places to move. I told them that I was supposed to be moving into an apartment next week but decided not to take it. I feel at peace with that decision.

After yoga, I rushed over to Students. It's sad to think that the school year is winding down and we only have a few weeks left. We're planning on having a summer itinerary though so that we can get together often.

That night at work ended up being a long one. We were supposed to go to San Antonio and boarded the flight, taxied out, and then had to go back to the gate due to the weather en route to San Antonio. Once we were back at the gate, the pilots called out fatigued since the fight got delayed until 5am. All of the routes to SAT were closed. We tried to call out fatigued, too, but they threatened us with zero pay and missed trips. Instead, they sent us to the hotel for a couple of hours. We had to Uber there and back and of course, they set it up that the Uber dropped us off at the training center and not the hotel so it was a long walk. By the time I got to my room, I had less than two hours to nap before getting back up at 3:40am to get ready, head back to the airport, and work the SAT turn. We got back late on Thursday, which was also pretty crappy.

Thursday night I wanted to call out from work but went since I was flying with friends. Everything went relatively smoothly and I made it to yoga on Friday afternoon. It was just what I needed.

Friday night turned out somewhat okay and Saturday morning I napped for a very short time before pulling myself off of my couch to go to slow flow yoga. I left there dripping in sweat and so exhausted but thought I'd try to go to Central Market and Trader Joe's but neither was a success since the crowds all came out and the parking was limited. I ended up going home and hanging out until it was time to go back to work.

I thought for sure we were going to cancel last night because they reassigned our pilots and had to find us new ones. The new ones were super close to going illegal so I wasn't sure that we would get out on time given the storms and the ramp being closed. We made it to Oklahoma City anyway, though it was later than planned, which also meant less sleep.

I can't tell you have relieved I was to get home this morning and know that I'm off for the night. I had every intention of going to church in Fort Worth but I was too tired to get up from my nap until the afternoon when I decided to run a few errands in town.

It's weird that it's Cinco de Mayo and I'm completely sober. I remember so many Cinco de Mayos before wanting to get a margarita all day. Back in 2015, I was a new hire flight attendant on reserve, calling scheduling every hour to ask if they'd release me so I could go to the Mexican restaurant next to my apartment to get a margarita. Even though this year is very different, I still might grab a margarita after yoga tonight.

This month marks one year since I moved across the metroplex. It honestly feels like it has been the longest year. It has been filled with a lot of good but also a lot of bad.

I remember going to my first yoga classes in Fort Worth and being that new person who knew no one and for the first few months, the instructors didn’t even know my name. I felt like I just couldn’t find my groove or fit in anywhere. I didn’t feel at home at all.

For most of last summer, I spent Tuesday through Thursday back in my old town, mainly so I could go to my yoga classes. I’d drop my dogs off at their sitter on Tuesdays and then live like a homeless person until Thursday afternoon. I’d go to yoga at noon on Tuesday, spend my afternoon running errands, going to appointments, and working from coffee shops. I’d fly on Tuesday nights and then make my way back there Wednesday for another yoga class and eventually Students in the evenings when school was back in session. I’d fly Wednesday nights, too, and then Thursday I’d go to one last class before picking up my dogs and heading home.

It was really rough living that life and now I can’t even imagine how I ever did that because lately I come home from work and crash on my couch for a good chunk of the day between trips. I’m working more than I’ve worked in years and it is really draining me. A friend sent me a meme a few years ago, back when I worked a lot, and it said something like, “My mom said I need to find a rich man. I said, ‘Mom, I am a rich man!’” Life would definitely be better and easier if we finally got our new contract, a raise, and some retro pay, but whether we do or we don’t, my goal is to try to earn 6 figures this year and if I keep flying as much as I am right now, that very well might be possible.

I’m learning to make the best out of every situation and appreciate the things I have. I think that a lot of times, we don’t realize what we have until it’s too late. I’m learning to work with what I have to reach my goals even if other things in my life don’t improve.

It has been almost 2 years since I lost Dan and rereading some of his texts now makes me realize all the things I wish I had now, are all the things I had when he was alive. I wanted someone to fight for me and believe in fixing things instead of walking away. I wanted someone to feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to them. Shortly after he passed away, I made a little video since there was a text message trend going on. I'll share it here:

Reading over Dan's old texts made me realize that at one point, we switched roles. Dan went from being the avoidant to being the anxious one. In our relationship, long before all of these texts, and in my relationships since, Dan sounded like me. All the things he said to me are things I've said to guys I've had in my life since. He never wanted to let me go a day without knowing how he felt about me, and it means so much to me to look back on all of that now and know that at one point in my life, there was a guy who thought the world of me and loved me despite my flaws.

These last few months have allowed me a lot of time to shift my focus. I've been working more, making more money, prioritizing my health/fitness, trying to make new friends and maintain friendships with old ones, spending time with family, and really learning more about myself and what I want in my life. I've also had the opportunity to spend more time with God, reading my devotionals and praying for guidance.

When we drove home from Oklahoma a few weekends ago, my friend Nancy made me realize that it's ok to take a pause and enjoy being single and not dating right now. I'm getting the opportunity to self-reflect and realign my priorities. It's ok to put yourself first and do what makes you happy. I'm ok right now pausing dating and pausing my move to be able to work on other more important things. With God, anything is possible and sometimes, you just need to let go and let God.

xoxo

Annie

[mariellaolden]

Meet Mariella

(A Purposive Communication Introductory activity)

What's up, worldwide web? It's Mariella Angela here! A name combination from my wonderful grandmothers—Maria and Elena, while "Angela" came from my dear mother who loved collecting angel figurines. I just turned 19 last March 1st, the eldest of three children, from Rodriguez, Rizal.

Ever since I could spell "doctor," I've been dreaming of the idea of wearing a white coat with a stethoscope someday. Biology has always been my dream program.  After a year-long roller-coaster ride of tremendous hard work in applying to several universities, I am now an Iskolar ng bayan. Perhaps it was fate that brought me here, I am beyond grateful to Sintang Paaralan for giving me this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (my 6-year-old self must be so proud). Back then, I told myself that I would choose the school that would choose me, and PUP embraced me fully.

Leadership runs through my veins, a passion I’ve nurtured since my elementary days. From participating in leadership and fellowship programs held in UP Diliman and Ateneo last quarter to initiating a reading program for kids and doing multiple projects back in my senior high school. I currently reside as one of the Junior Council Officers of the College of Science Student Council (CS SC) and the Creatives Officer at Youth for Youth—a national youth-led organization advocating for youth empowerment.

Moreover, I am a high blue belt taekwondo player. Through my determination and perseverance, I won several gold medals over the years, including one for my first national competition last year. But since delving into this program, I’ve taken a break due to a jam-packed schedule. Fingers crossed that I can bounce back and play the sports I love again.

Oh, and did I mention I'm a journalist too? I am also one of the Junior staff writers in Halawin, the official publication of the Department of Biology. In fact, before the classes started, I was awarded first place in news writing. Poetry? Prose? Essay? Name it. I believe that our society needs more young people who’ll never be afraid to use their pens and voices for a greater and better cause. I bleed, not of blood but words. If writing means running, I would rather write and write.

But hey, life's not all just about deadlines and textbooks. I'm a fangirl too! Despite being a busy bee, I try my best to have fun in life. I've attended YouTube Fan Fest '18-'19, screamed my heart out at SB19's Where You At Tour ‘22, bedazzled in ENHYPEN's Manifesto in Manila Concert ‘23, and attended the UP Fair Pop Rising ‘24 advocating for Education rights, as well as the recent concert of Jeff Satur's Space Shuttle No. 8 in Manila last March 2. I was also able to showcase my editing skills when I designed birthday advertisements for ENHYPEN, displayed in Jakarta, Indonesia, and here in Moa Globe. Trust me, there are a lot more fangirl experiences to share but let me save that for later.

Passionate, optimist, resilient, and empathetic—that's me. I am the kind of woman who constantly aspires to greatness and growth. No matter how challenging every dream of mine is, I set my heart and mind to achieve it. I see failures as a motivation to strive harder and the tenacity to turn every obstacle into opportunity.

The pandemic brought me so many realizations and life lessons. Among them is that life is cruel, it is unfair and it never actually gets better. There will always be bad days, stress, breakdowns, and failures. What we can do instead is change how we approach and view it. We have the power to shift our perspective, to embrace and adapt to challenges without losing our true selves.

I am eager to face whatever comes my way with the same determination and hope. I can't wait to see the person I'll become in the next four years of this journey. 화이팅!

[umichenginabroad]

Work < Life balance

The first week of classes: check! I can't believe I've only been in Madrid for two weeks now- it feels like a month or more. I'm still getting used to the different style of classes here in Madrid, and it has been a bit unsettling. 

i have to 'dress up' for class now- no daily sweats :(

My day at UM consists of waking up and going to the gym, then doing work from morning until 11-12 at night amidst meetings, discussions, and online lectures. In contrast, I haven't done a piece of homework here yet. The first week of classes was pretty much just introductions to the teachers and the material, versus UM, where we jump right in and have assignments due by the end of the first week. 

Also, as a Computer Science major, I'm used to watching my lectures online at my leisure and haven't consistently attended an in-person class in a while. Here, we are all expected to sit quietly and engage without computers. My UM classes are instead mainly large lecture style where people tend to concurrently work on their computers. 

I'm not sure what I think of the work-life balance so far. Ideally, having more time on my hands sounds great, but I like to constantly be busy and have a packed schedule. So relaxing has kind of been?? hard??

I also realized that this is the first semester in my college career that I haven't been in a project-heavy coding class. Or any coding class. And honestly? It's throwing me off. I especially don't want to be out of practice for my summer internship. Luckily I'm an EECS 281 and 370 private tutor, which I expect to pick up in a couple weeks (after people get their grades back from the first project haha). 

A brief overview of my classes:

Spanish Culture: Amazing, stunning, purr, love. Our professor is the sweetest woman ever, and the class focuses on getting to know Madrid and various landmarks, history, and food. I'm beyond excited about this class.

Engineering Statistics: Pretty standard statistics class… Neither excited nor am I dreading this class. 

Introduction to Circuits: My latest class from 7-9 and 6-8 pm. Luckily I have a bunch of friends in this class, but the time is killer.

Spanish A2: Not sure if I should be at this level since we already only have to speak in Spanish, and I haven't taken Spanish since elementary school. But I'm still very excited to learn, and our professor is super dynamic and engaging. 

Other notable events from the week:

Got tonsillitis! Had to figure out university health services which turned out to be a breeze. Feeling so much better now!

Friends from UM came this weekend from London! It was really great to see some old friends since I realized I had felt a bit homesick. 

Did a tapas crawl down the famous tapas street and was not let down by the food, except maybe the cold tomato soup, which I'm not the biggest fan of. 

friends from UM!

That's all for this week! Excited to share more in the future. Bye for now!

Rania Uppal

Computer Science

UP Comillas- Madrid, Spain

[soracities]

to 15-year old anon (and anyone else who needs this) - i'm so sorry to hear that studies aren't going well and that anything else seems to make you feel worse. i've been there before! the education system in my country has always put such an emphasis on our grades since we were 10. we have national exams to take at the following ages: 12, 16 and 18. the grades determines what high school and stream we can enter, followed by what tertiary course/institution we are eligible for and what university course we can take. (if you're curious for more details, you can search Singaporean education system... it's genuinely very complex)

i took the national exams for nine high-school subjects in 2020 as a secondary 4 student. despite a global pandemic, pressures on education were growing for all students across the country, most of us turning sixteen in that year. it was arguably, one of the worst years of my life. i was already suffering from intense depression and anxiety (+ possible ADHD, i'm currently getting that checked out) and the pressure finally got to me. i started skipping school, got yelled at and scolded by teachers, family and friends alike to 'get my shit together!'. but, how could i, when i was spiralling before their very eyes? the exams made me feel like i was nothing worth more than my grades. no one reached out to me, even when i was seriously contemplating suicide as a way out. somehow, i still made it to the exam dates. i was only fifteen.

i ultimately crashed and burned, passing only three out of my nine subjects. i had always been a top-scoring student beforehand, i even had a scholarship. however, my results for the national exams gave me the worst, soul-crushing feeling. it hurt to see that all of my effort and worth in the eyes of the education system, was nothing more than a failure. i was unable to apply for the veterinary college course that i had my heart set on since 2018 and was ultimately given the choice to attend a course i wasn't interested in, or retake the national exams in 2021.

i chose the latter. as hard as retaking the exams were, it was the better choice for me. i had to self-study and take tuition classes. as hard as it originally was to depend only myself to study - i felt much better than the year before because i had more time for myself. i could take a break from studying when needed, unlike when my schedule was packed to the brim before due to school. i scored much better in the 2021 wave, ending up with all Bs and one A. i still didn't reach the cut for the veterinary course, but i ended up in a marine science course. which isn't too bad! mental health-wise, i was also able to start seeing a new therapist and was given anti-depressants recently. i'm starting college next month, the first time i'll be attending in-person school ever since failing the national exams in 2020. as nervous as i am, i am determined to not allow the past to repeat itself.

i do apologise sincerely if this is coming off as me debating whether my experience was worse than yours (i could never, your experience is always valid, no matter how different we are). here's the main point of my whole story:

it's okay to crash and burn, especially when you feel like you're on your last straw. it's okay to fall back. if you need to repeat a year or take a gap year like i did, do it! i know it's easier said than done and there's a lot to consider, but if it's possible, i really recommend it. it's done wonders for me; i hope it will benefit you too. sometimes you just need time for yourself before you can get up and push forward again. i'm genuinely sorry that you aren't able to receive the comfort and help you need from your friends/family irl, but know that i'm here to cheer you on!

while i can't promise you that things will get better immediately, i can promise you that it will get better eventually. take it slow and steady, one step at a time. and seeing from the other responses here, many others are also here for you too. i hope you feel better soon, sending so much love and hugs x

thank you endlessly for taking the time to share this, it's incredibly kind of you. i'm so glad you are in a better place now than you were two years ago, and i wish nothing but the best for you going forward, i really, really do ♡

[pythiaswine]

[productivity rant] [personal but it might resonate with other students and ND people]

as a general rule, any day i choose leisure over productivity basically ruins the whole day and that sometimes snowballs into ruining the week etc etc. but when i do even just ONE task i feel a little better and i'm able to continue it. didn't do anything all day besides pick up my clothes? that's okay <3 tomorrow i'll do more. i self-discipline but i conserve enough energy and treat myself so things that i HAVE to do (go to work, do my homework) i get done and things that i "should" do (laundry, dishes) i may put off but i feel good enough about having gotten my other stuff done that i feel energized into doing it.

a year ago, and even 3 months ago, i used to get so overwhelmed by everything i had to do that i'd cry and shut down and do nothing. i smoked marijuana to ignore my responsibilities and the consequences of not doing them. i've even drank and smoked and vaped nicotine for similar effects (rewriting my reward/dopamine system to not hate myself for being "lazy").

since the semester began, i've kept up the momentum. i made myself a schedule so as not to overwhelm myself unnecessarily (it helps!!), i got a new job as i had quit mine shortly after i stopped smoking November 2021 - that said, i work somewhere corporate now instead of at a franchise that scheduled me when I wasn't available. i attend my classes every week and do the work before the due-date, and once when i missed an assignment in one class, i did it late and turned it in anyway rather than decide not to do it all. that in particular has taught me i can't use procrastination as a means of getting out of the work, like i used to. it makes sense to me now to do the work before it's due rather than put it off hoping it'll disappear. eating meals has helped me stay in-tune with my schedules. i have coffee every morning (as a ritual), i eat breakfast, i make lunch when i can and if i can't i eat at work, and i eat before getting ready for bed. food has been a comfort to my emotions for years and now i'm ritualizing it to 1. make sure i energize my body and 2. routine!!!! aghhh routine my beloved.

at work, i make sure i take breaks. company policy is to take a paid 15 for every 4 hours and a 30-minute meal break before it's been 6 hours. at my old job, we didn't do meal breaks which is literally illegal but we could take two 15's if we wanted/needed. i got so burnt out because i never took meal breaks! at this job, i am required to take multiple breaks if my shift is over 5 hours. my coworkers and the team-leads are SO great about it. i don't feel guilty for taking breaks.

i also work somewhere i love. it took a few jobs, but i actually love it where i work. i get paid above minimum wage, it's corporate, and i'm barista-ing inside of a bigger store (you can probably guess where i work). i'm good at what i do, i like doing it, and i genuinely enjoy making customers happy when i'm there. when i'm overwhelmed, i don't ever get to that breaking point where i feel like i might freak out (due in part to my own self-work, quitting smoking, etc) but it's also because of getting breaks and knowing i'm safe, valued, and supported at my job. i can't speak for other stores but the ETLs where I work make me feel valued. it's important to find a job you like even if it's one you're working while in college or as a place-holder job until you work somewhere better, and that's not possible for everyone so i feel very lucky. it's made all the difference.

i find time for my friends! that's another thing. it's soo important for me to hang out with my #1 when he and i have schedules that allow it, and i've been keeping in touch with others rather than isolating myself. i go to school events when i can, get out by myself when i must. i went to a party this past weekend and hung out with people i don't normally hang with, hosted by a couple i haven't seen in a few years because we fell out and they had a friggin kid!! i got to see their life, their home, their adorable baby, and be a part of the scene catching up with all these other people i used to hang out with in high school. before one of my closer friends went out of state for university, she threw a party i was nervous about going to and i went and had a great time talking to people i didn't normally talk to, outside of my comfort zone.

ignore the weird paragraph breaks because i'm on mobile and can't figure out how to fix them, but this has been my quick little vent about how i balance all the stuff i'm doing. whenever i feel down about my worth or overwhelmed by the workload, i remind myself that i am a student working two jobs and a babysitting gig on top of classes, costuming for a show, and still finding time for appointments, events, and hobbies. i'm killing it out here. i've come to far and i am fuckin proud of myself.

[lady-charinette]

Adrien Agreste =/= Sociopath - About Adrien Salt

I've seen a lot of posts going around about Adrien being a sociopath or the other (harasser, abuser...etc.)

What I find most of those posts lacking is looking at the big picture, or just zeroing in on certain moments of the show and even disregarding the context of those selected moments to unfairly rule judgement on a child (in canon) no less.

Definition of sociopath: A sociopath is a term used to describe someone who has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). People with ASPD can’t understand others’ feelings. They’ll often break rules or make impulsive decisions without feeling guilty for the harm they cause.

People with ASPD may also use “mind games” to control friends, family members, co-workers, and even strangers. They may also be perceived as charismatic or charming.

We have to analyze the context and the surroundings Adrien is in.

Family, social life, relationships (platonic and romantic), personality, age, environment...etc.

Family:

We know Adrien has a father who is controlling, preferring to micro-manage every aspect of his son's life to continue to have a semblance of control at all times. We assume (heavily implied in the show), that his mother was kind, warm and emotional (whether that emotional is the "out-there" kind her twin sister has, it remains to be seen.)

According to a snippet from "Simon Says", Adrien also has "Quite a temper, you remind me of someone" according to Gabriel's own words, we can assume the "someone" is Emilie, Gabriel says this when Chat Noir refused to follow his orders and told him to basically "get off his high horse". In this context, anyone who defies Gabriel in such a way would either be branded as "disobedient" or to "have quite a temper".

According to Adrien himself in "Adrien's Double Life" (from Miraculous Secrets) he describes being Chat Noir as "...I can finally do whatever I want to do, say whatever comes to mind." He doesnt feel as restricted and controlled since that's the one aspect of his life his father has no knowledge of.

Social life:

Adrien has had no or very little interaction with peers.

Evidence: Chloe being his childhood friend. Felix commenting on Chloe's appearance in the video she sent for Adrien's birthday, saying "Chloe. Just as annoying as usual." suggests he knows her from before, maybe even as early on as their childhood days.

This makes Felix and Chloe the only kids, of spoiled and rich background, with whom Adrien interacted.

Felix is shown to be good at manipulating people and keeping up appearances (potentially connected to insecurities within the family? Not confirmed), Chloe is openly mean and bullies others (with underlying insecurities also connected to her parents).

The only positive adult (if Gorilla isn't as involved and Nathalie had been solely Gabriel's secretary and not Adrien's caretaker since there was Emilie) in Adrien's life would be his mother, who also fell into a coma during Adrien's formative years (and still during a time where he's figuring himself and his emotions out: puberty), leaving him with his father.

Moving on, even if the writer's sometimes may not always successfully show Adrien being awkward in social interactions, it doesnt mean they dont exist.

This interaction between him and Marinette, asking for her autograph, very formal in his question, awkward in posture:

He's picked up on some speech patterns from his frequent interactions with Nino ("dude", "Hey man." "Totally dude.") showing he's, like many people, mimicking his friend's behavior and speech to grow more favorably in their eyes.

The same pattern can be observed with Gabriel and Adrien: Adrien adopts his father's formal speech whenever talking to him, since that appeases him.

Adrien has had very limited friendly interactions with his peers, romantic interactions are basically non-existent. The scenes where Adrien is being chased by his fans, who obsessively adore him, cant be linked to Adrien experiencing healthy romantic contact (Lila doesn't count since she only uses Adrien to further her goals). Marinette doesn't count since Adrien's isn't even aware of her romantic feelings for him. (Again, difficulties picking up social cues due to only ever being homeschooled > limited social contact with peers)

So no, in my humble opinion, Adrien sometimes doesn't understand other people's feelings not because he's a sociopath, but because he's an awkward kid with very little experience about making friends and having healthy relationships with them.

Relationships:

Let's be direct here: Gabriel is an abusive as*hole.

If the writer's wanted to show Gabriel struggling or having remorse for his actions being Hawkmoth and putting his son through danger, well... They blew it. "Gorizilla" was a 5 second reaction of Hawkmoth showing concern after letting Adrien fall from a skyscraper. Applause. After that? Not much.

Nathalie: Adrien likes, she takes care of him, his schedule, was the one to convince Gabriel to let him attend public school. There are moments in the show where she softens up towards Adrien, but always carries that air of professionalism on her to (possibly, assumption) not grow too close. Gorilla is...Gorilla, but at least the man tries with his nonverbal support and affectionate grunts. Lol.

Gabriel: He loves his father. It's his parent, after all. However, Adrien's reactions to him are vastly different than to how he reacts when thinking of his mother. He shows signs of fear (tensing up, growing obedient...etc.), he excuses his father's excessive controlling tendencies to just be "he's just worried about me", "that's the way he always was", "father cares and protects me". Adrien shows to be frequently disappointed with Gabriel, one of the first scenes being that Gabriel couldn't attend parent's day at school, Adrien was talking on the phone alone in the school hallway. He was genuinely surprised by the blue scarf his father gifted him (not knowing it was Marinette), since all he used to get were pens (again, not even from Gabriel, but Nathalie). This is my assumption but: Adrien has previously begged his father to go outside more or attend public school, but this time it worked only because Nathalie managed to convince him.

Friends from school: Nino is his best friend, Adrien seems to be good friends with Alya too, basically everyone in class, with varying degrees of closeness. Chloe is a childhood friend whom Adrien is fond of but also grows exasperated with and corrects her behavior if she's too harsh.

Marinette: likes and respects her, but can't read her well or at least when he thinks he's got her figured out, she claims the opposite. Marinette has been sending mixed signals, on one hand even making Adrien believe (and fear) they weren't friends. "Chat Blanc" contrary to popular belief, showed that Adrien is delighted at the prospect of Marinette being Ladybug (he'd severe doubts when Chloe or anyone else was brought up as a possible option).

Kagami: likes her, respects her, admires her fencing skills, learned to have fun hanging out with her and playing as kids usually do since she also has a controlling parent and they both know some ways/tricks around their boundaries to sneak off and meet their friends. Adrien and Kagami have similarities in that respect, Gabriel pushing Adrien to be a model, Mrs. Tsurugi pushing Kagami to be a master fencer.

Lila: At first defended her, was friendly towards her since she was a new student from overseas he sympathized because surely it would be lonely? The new girl would need a friend who supported her through all this things that were new for him too. However, as soon as he caught wind of Lila's schemes, he changes his tune. He feels uncomfortable around her overstepping his boundaries, expresses anger when Lila accused Marinette of crimes she didn't commit and even makes a deal with her to not bother Marinette again (but use him instead, doing photoshoots together...etc.) to keep her safe.

Age:

A 14-15 year old, having lost his mother, the only positive, healthy relationship in his life. Surrounded by a controlling father, not much free time, many extracurricular activities and being a superhero alongside Ladybug.

Some of the signs of being a sociopath include: Breaking rules and being impulsive.... Didn't Ladybug do those too?

Breaking the rules: (since LB and Marinette are the same) stealing phones, sneaking into places where she shouldn't, using the miraculous for personal gain (latest example: getting Kagami away from Adrien), giving Adrien the snake miraculous due to personal preference instead of drawing logical conclusions. Sneaked into the Agreste mansion.

Impulsiveness: Marinette's daily fantasies (sharing a future life with Adrien and their hamster-who-must-not-be-named), when Lila's "precious family heirloom necklace" was "stolen", Marinette was quick to include her classmates in the list of potential perpetrators for it (without ill intent, but still..)

You know who the real potential sociopath in the show is?

Gabriel

Some of you might include Lila too (since she fits all the criteria for being a sociopath), but the key difference is: Lila is still just a kid.

We don't know much about her family life. Just that her mother is busy with work, we don't know where her father is, who her friends were/if she even had them. She might be lying and manipulating people to follow her own agenda, but she thrives in attention, when people notice and praise her. In some aspects, that could've been Adrien. With one neglectful parent, a missing parent, no friends (prior to going to school)...etc. There is also a lot we don't know about her.

[eponymous-rose]

Wednesday!

Hoo boy, lots going on today. E-mails aplenty to start things off! One of my students from last quarter is applying to four internships and would like me to write letters of reference. I am a reference-writing machine (up to a couple dozen so far this year?), of course I'll do it. One of my Master's students sheepishly writes me to say he's currently in the Southern Hemisphere (he'd forgotten all about going home for a few weeks until he had the day-before check-in reminder) and asks if we can meet remotely today. Not a problem! The first of the "where's today's seminar on the calendar?" e-mails comes in - sadly the speaker is ill and had to cancel fairly last-minute. This feels like foreshadowing for a bunch more e-mails I'm about to receive. One of my colleagues I meet with bi-weekly has asked if we can swap which week we meet since he has a conflict, no problem there. Messages about a seminar that I think I'm going to have to skip. Very angry e-mail from a student who's still frustrated and struggling with the department laptop, so we're going to meet to figure that one out. Doing my best to encourage an "us against the problem" situation rather than "me bordering on unsympathetic given how many times this student has e-mailed me or knocked on my door outside of office hours to vent about things I have no control over". Going to have to set some boundaries today, I think. (My standard question to myself: yes, I want to be sympathetic and helpful to students, but is this something that this student would in a million years consider doing with an older and more dudely professor that he assumes would have important things to do? If not, it's probably something we should discuss.) Everyone handed in the homework assignment due today, whew.

Fun lecture! It's the one I prepared yesterday, the last one of the material I had no hand in developing, so it's nice to be out of there but also I learned a lot, which is nice. I think everyone's following along well and I am delighted that I've had pretty much 100% in-person attendance all quarter so far! (I post recorded lectures and slides online so that if students are feeling ill they don't have to come to class, but sometimes that results in students staying home all quarter, which is tough given how much in-person interaction is key to success in the class.) Due to some scheduling switch-ups, I will not be teaching tomorrow or Friday. Coincidentally, tomorrow's my birthday. Amazing how that works out.

Straight into a meeting with my PhD student! He comes in looking a little downcast, and when I ask what's wrong he laughs and goes "ACTUALLY NOTHING" and tells me he won a major fellowship! So proud of this guy, he's doing amazing work. We talk about it a bit (it includes a week-long intensive research trip with other fellows), then get to his research (lots and lots and lots of downloading data), then go over some of the expectations for his PhD proposal and dissertation formatting. He's gunning for his general exam next quarter, which means he'd be done a year and a couple months from now. I think he can do it, and I think he's making enough connections and publishing well enough that I'm comfortable with him graduating early if that's where he wants to be (since our department pays students, plus stipend, plus tuition, I encourage students to stick around as long as they have funding and their life circumstances allow so that they can get as many publications/presentations/connections as possible before going off job-hunting).

Well hey, it's time to meet with my student who's back in his home country this week! We laughed about how this reminds us of when he first won his Fulbright and we were scheming over Zoom to bring him here - time flies! He's mostly doing well, but his friggin' Python environment is broken and he needs to reinstall everything before he can run his code. We do some dry debugging since he can't actually run anything. Getting there! I remind him to shoot an update to his coadvisor (she's in a research plane for six hours today and couldn't make the meeting), which he quickly does. He'll be back here in two weeks, but I'm glad he can spend some time back home!

A little soul-searching break: do I want to admit another grad student? My colleague pointed out a great application that would be a good fit. The risk is admitting two amazing students and only having funding for one (or zero!). The flipside risk is admitting one amazing student who decides to go to grad school elsewhere, leaving me with a very bad gap in my supervisory career. I remind myself that one of my colleagues has offered to be backup for one of my students, so even if she doesn't get funded, he can cover her for a year or two. I think I'm gonna admit this second student. I'll sleep on it once more and then call her to gauge her interest in my research projects. I should emphasize that the students will get to do cool research and get paid well for it even if I don't get funding; the consequences are for me alone if things go wrong. That's oddly comforting. Up for tenure in two years means I want to look most impressive in the next year or so as the process begins.

Anyway, soul-searching and an incoming meeting with a disgruntled undergraduate means it's time for a quick break. I walk down to the secret basement coffeeshop on campus and get a London Fog and one of their $3 grilled cheese sandwiches. Suddenly feeling much less grumpy. Much less grumpy. Ah, that was just a touch of hangry.

Back to the office, where I do some grading in a much better mood and shoot a line to the department chair so he can announce my student's fellowship on social media. Grading goes really well - the one student who struggled a bit with the first homework got a perfect score on the second, we love to see it. Everyone's doing amazing.

The dreaded student meeting! He starts by apologizing for monopolizing my time so much lately and tells me he's going to make sure to send me an e-mail before coming by next time. Aww, but also, good. We manage to figure out what's gone wrong (the computer is so old it has a sub-GHz processor, it's an absolute nightmare) and manage to reinstall the software after about 15 minutes of waiting for the computer to be able to render each page of the website. Happily, once the software is installed, everything runs fast and he grabs the data in about ten seconds flat. Saves it directly to a thumb drive, uploads it to the course management system, we're back on track! Finally.

Okay, I think that's a decent place to head home a little early (might just wait for the flood of "where's the seminar this week?" e-mails to die down). New e-mail from one of the committees I'm on that runs a bi-yearly conference - we were getting some pressure to run our (American organization's) conference in Australia, so we did a full survey of membership and were able to show data proving that doing so would systematically exclude women, students, and other folks with travel restrictions (visas, immunocompromised if there's a spike ongoing, etc.). We also managed to make a good case for why this is a very different picture than the separate European conference, which is run by and for a European organization that some of our members occasionally jump in on (hey, I'll be doing that this May!). We'll be meeting to discuss all that and to figure out how best to bring this up diplomatically with leadership of our parent organization.

Got a not-so-useful notification that someone who was in attendance at the seminar I ran seven days ago has tested positive. Welp. I still mask 100% indoors and had a negative test this weekend, but guess it's time to test again real quick when I get home. Still have somehow managed to avoid getting this thing (and only one cold in three years!) but I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

Tomorrow! It's my actual birthday! I will probably take it easy tomorrow since events have mysteriously conspired to give me a nice chunk of downtime, but I do want to get next week's Wednesday lecture done and also start on the review article by the end of the week. Also committed to sending my colleague a revised draft of our grant proposal by the end of the week. Not too shabby!

I'm gonna do this again because it turned out last week kinda went off the rails without it and the little bit of accountability is super super helpful.

Monday!

It's a busy week! It's also my birthday week! Let's do this!

E-mail with coffee: sent a prospective grad student a congratulations on her admission to our program. I'm really hoping to hire her, but I do need to consider whether I might want to admit two students for this position and just get the extra funding for the second one elsewhere if both decide to come. Hmm. Confirmed coffee on Friday with the wonderful admin I've been wanting to befriend for a while - finally we'll interact outside of paperwork! Sadly Wednesday's seminar speaker is ill and won't be able to present - I'm leading the seminar so that does add up to a little less work for me, which is the silver lining there. One of my student groups is struggling to grab data from the weather station they built on the roof because the dang software doesn't work on Macs - managed to coordinate getting them a loaner PC laptop from the department, whew. Completed two letters of reference for an undergrad student applying to internships. Somehow managed to double-book a meeting and gave one a heads up to cancel. Showed my availability for scheduling a PhD defense for a student whose committee I'm on. One of the speakers for my seminar series sent a somewhat passive-aggressive e-mail to the department chair to let him know his info's not up on the website yet. Department chair forwarded it to me, I replied with, essentially "hold your dang horses, your talk isn't until mid-March". He replied back with a sheepish apology. All good.

Formulated my list of essential stuff for this week:

finish Wednesday's (and next week's?) lecture(s?)

prepare next week's homework & key

work on grant proposal

work on commissioned review article

So excited that we're finally to the part of the class that I have taught before in past years! Great lecture today about statistical data analysis. Hurt everyone's brains with the Monty Hall problem. Showed a lot of XKCD comics, got some laughs. Good times. Answered some student questions on the homework assignments, looks like everyone's on track to ace this one as well. This is a really strong class and I'm very proud of them!

On to a virtual meeting with my peer mentoring group! We talk about how utterly wild it is that different departments manage research funding in completely different ways. I vent a bit for the umpteenth time about having to rely 100% on grants to pay my grad students (bigger departments often have student funding provided if they TA, but we just don't have enough classes to sustain that). Easily the biggest source of stress in my life right now is running out of funding for my students: "in order to pay your graduate students, you have to receive a major grant" "cool! how likely am I to get one?" "success rates are about 1 in 15" "uhhhh" "also the applications (if you manage to find a perfect match for your research) take about 40-60 hours to plan and write and it's not work that's looked at formally as part of your tenure review so you're actively taking time away from research" "uhhhhhhh" "and you won't find out if you have been awarded the grant or not before you have to make the decision to hire a student so you just gotta gamble on it" "UHHHHHHH" "you don't get paid in the summer either unless you pull in 2-3 grants that can each cover one month max of salary so I hope you're not putting well over 50% of your take-home toward rent in one of the worst markets in the US or anything haha." It's A Lot. But it's very helpful to talk to people about it!

Realized I left my half-finished Wednesday lecture on my computer at home so I can't work on it during my break between meetings. Shoot, guess that's a tomorrow problem. At least I can work on the homework assignment! This one was an absolute nightmare last year but I think I've come up with a way to simplify it while still hitting all of the learning goals. It's complicated but hopefully very satisfying and builds on everything they've learned thus far. Even with the simplification, I'm definitely expecting some traffic in office hours next week. Opted not to include the more tedious section of the homework because I've tested that particular skill amply in the earlier assignments this quarter. Ran through it once on my own, sent myself the key, then posted the homework and the submission portal for their online module for next week, so all I'm missing now is the lectures.

E-mail break! A professor at a small university nearby wants to bring in a grad student from my group to talk to her class about tornadoes! I have someone in mind (who is both a great presenter and also could use a little confidence boost to get back on track with his research), but of course he's working remotely on the other side of the country, so it's time for a quick check to see if a remote presentation is possible. Checking in on my seminar speaker for next week - project title and abstract up on the website, phew. She's a grad student, so I should find out if her advisor can introduce her or if they want me to do so (and if so, I gotta do some digging for fun facts to share!). Got an invite to a lunch with the faculty & chair where we're going to be brainstorming our next faculty hire, so I gotta be there for that (also because free food)! Surreal to think that we might be hiring my colleague for the next 30 years. It's... kind of intimidating and I definitely want to be in the room for that discussion. Aha! A reply already: virtual talk is fine, so I put the professor and my grad student in touch.

Nice virtual meeting with my former postdoc advisor - we commiserate for a while over his recent illness, but he's feeling better now so we quickly jump back to talking research. The small grant I was awarded recently actually dovetails with some of the broader research ideas he and I had been talking about, so I'm gonna keep him in the loop on that!

Up next: a meeting with my two undergraduate research interns. They're coadvised by my colleague who is flying research aircraft on the other side of the country right now so it's just the three of us. Due to holidays and conferences, this is actually the first time in 2023 we all managed to meet! We go over some paperwork to make sure they get college credit for this research. They're spinning their wheels a little bit but I had them shoot off a couple emails while I was there to start them getting their data ASAP. We then chatted about severe weather we'd all witnessed. One of the students mentioned she's been saving the candy from my office candy bowl for whenever she forgets to bring lunch to campus and now I'm realizing I should maybe get some protein bars or something for some variety.

All good stuff. There's a seminar in 15 minutes but it's a chemistry seminar so... I may just sneak home a bit early.

Tomorrow: no meetings (maaaybe one remote meeting), so work-from home! Should be able to get the last bit of coursework done for the week so I can start on my research to-do list.

[shiro-0197]

aw shiro, my love, don't worry about it!! i only hope you're okay and safe :d please only reply when you're free, and don't feel bad about it!! >:(

my day yesterday was okay, i've just been relaxing, and studying occasionally. went out to explore a nearby town too, it's so pretty there. and much colder (since it's a highlands) of course!! Today was great too. I bought doughnuts (they're amazing?? I love doughnuts), and I had instant ramen, but it was SO spicy I nearly died. (Three bottles of water later, because someone finished all the milk in the household *cough* me *cough*) and I'm still just reeling. Sucks having such low spice tolerance HAHA. I'm listening to some old school hip-hop rn, while typing this out :D how were your two days?

here are some i'll be using to teach english :d and that would honestly be much appreciated, he's getting on my last nerve rn. (I included the first few, what do you think?)

thats such a priceless feeling i so totally agree. you're so precious 🥺🥺 i'm sure they're prouder thank you imagine. you're so dedicated!! i'm sure all that extra research you've done will definitely pay off. it's good that you know what the job is roughly like, so you'll be really prepared when you finally do start it. you know that one scene, in the 2nd season of the great pretender? when the chinese mafia boss emphasizes the importance of a translator in literally everything? (like that book award example) i may be getting the thing muddled up, but i found that so cool. like yeah, a book or speech could be absolutely beautiful, but if everyone can't enjoy it due to it being a different language, it would be such a shame. i just find translators really important. sorry, i'm really dorky haha 🥺🥺

awww but i think your personality type is wonderful. a lot of my favourite characters are intj (they're all so precious istg grrrr) yes!! i was in a tooru brainrot yesterday too 😭😭😭 (saw a bunch of couples on my walk, and I was like "if only Tooru was real grrrr") and yes?? there'd be so much to learn from each and every one of them. dedication from hinata, savage lines from tsukki, kindness from yams/yachi, how to be a dork 101 from atsumu. aaaah 😭😭i'm sorry they're all so wonderful.

No pftttt I totally feel you. I saw some people without masks today and I was like "bro wtf" and just really loudly said "I sure hope everyone starts following the rules so the cases don't increase" because I'm a lil bitch like that xD

awww okay!! I'll definitely keep that in mind. Mayo makes everything better, tbh >.< aww that's understandable! I don't have specific preferences but hearing the phrase "soggy cheese" makes me want to cry somewhere :( I don't like nuts in chocolate. I'm very passionate about that? XD ikr??

I'm surprised too, I usually never pass on murder, but I guess you're just special like that 👉👈 sir I'd get married to you as many times as you'd like 😼 oops sorry for being cheesy, but—you like cheese ;)

U

I won't ask why, don't worry. Since I kinda feel the same about Malaysia tbh. It's a love hate relationship, I think HAHA but yeah 😣😣 i don't look up to US at all, and it sucks because people generally do. And I'm just like ;-; why (no offense to Americans tho lol)

is that even legal omg they're so chaotic?? XD how cute tho. Angel does stuff like that all the time too, but I'd never know that when I first met her (she has the most perfect exterior, and then when you get to know her; she's the biggest dork) Schools opening on the 20th, I can't wait to see her then :] (I can, however, wait for the exams which are scheduled for the 25th ugh)

peanut butter is indeed yellow, not up for discussion hehe :) here's my favourite hues!! I love gentle, soft hues like these (pastels) , for yellow; I don't have a favourite. they're all wonderful

ahhh no that's so precious of you!! :)) I'm smiling rn.

yeah skdhskdjsk I'M JUST SO GRRR. Whenever someone goes "hey Ari can you ______" and we both respond?? The tension?? In the air?? Bro skdjskks. 😔🤚 You share a name with one of the most precious characters too tho!!;

This is Shiro from Voltron hehe. I love him so much, just like I love you (tho I'm sure we both know I love you more <3)

I share a name with a book character. His name is Aristotle Mendoza, but his crush-turned-boyfriend calls him "Ari" (which has been my nickname since I was 12). Reading it for the first time was the BEST feeling ever. It's also my favourite book, "Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe".

—Ari :D (no pfttt I love the tag so much. I have my own tag, that's like the best thing ever 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺)

Heyyy I'm so sorry for answering so late!! I know you said not to apologize but..... well hmm no excuse I just feel like apologizing, but either way thank you for your patience!!♡ This is the third time I'm rewriting this, and this time I'm doing this in my notes because fuck it😔

Im glad to hear that!! Highlands are always so pretty. Wish we had those here, but it's only steppe here:( Boring~ ooh, donuts!!! They're really good. I havent much, but I tried them like 3 times and they're so good. I really hope I will get to eat more<3 also WHAT'S THOSE NOODLES' NAME I WANNA KNOW- Are you feeling okay now, though? XD

My days were nice!!! Felt as if I had been hiding three bodies, but I've been feeling better lately. We had online school yesterday so I'm excused from the errands for the half of the day, thankfully. But your messages make me very happy. Though I dont always feel like writing a response (or I get stressed because it doenst save) so very sorry for that😔

Ohh those look so pretty!! I'd totally join to just look at them. The colors are so nice🥺 it looks like one of our olympiad prep slides, though better. I dont have the screenshots sadly😩 Either way I really love the little details like the squiggly thingies or the Ж .... they seem unnecessary but the energy changes a lot without them hehe

I really hope they will be🥺 that'd mean a lot to me. And I'm also really hopeful itll work out. I really don't wanna disappoint my family, which is literally just one person. The less people there are, the more it hurts, you know?

Yeah, that scene meant so much to me!! I dknt remember much, but I was very happy they said something like that, because I've been told being a translator wont work out for me. Now look at me, I'm about to tell them to fuck themselves<3 I was also so surprised to see Laurent know that many languages ..... I aspire to be like him😩 And honestly, I havent though so deep of that but you opened my eyes and now I'm about to float off into the next universe😭 dont apologize though, its very cute!!!♥︎♥︎

Heheh, I guess you're right.. every single anime INTJ is a silent sexy mastermind and I love them . ... YEAH every single time I see a passing couple i cry because I dont have anyone 😡💔 and sometimes when I see people doing something amusing (which includes people failing cuz I'm evil) I just imagine one of the characters doing that and I smile all the way xD Honestly, I'd sell my father on black market for a single day with one of them:( though that may sound like a really low price because his cigarette filled lungs wouldnt cost a lot... I sound like my 7th grade self again I'm so sorry

BAHQHHANEJWJD I HOPE THEY WERE EMBARRASED. I HOPE THEY FELT AWKWARD AND OTHER PEOPLE DID TOO, they deserve it. Like, learn your lesson bitch, it's been a year!

Yeah!!! I love mayo, not to the point where I would gulp it down from the package, but it does make dishes taste good. Same, soggy cheese on itself sounds like a dish served in the ninth circle of hell. You should try nuts in honey!! Like, just straight up dip them in honey. Sounds weird, and it doesnt always taste NEJFJKSKF (depends on the honey)but I think it's worth trying xD Walnuts are the best with honey I think

That was so funny ... TOO FUNNY, I LAUGHED FOR LIKE . 3MINUTES STRAIGHT and I do not laugh when I'm tired. You really are special 😭😭😭😭 cheesy ... HAHRNFJJSF

I'm so sorry for being a bully like that but it's so funny how you left a single U there . Its so mysterious, was it in purpose? Or were you lost in the excitement if messaging me?

I was one of those people, honestly 😭 but mostly because I wasnt aware of its political condition, I guess. Maybe theres more than just politics that's bad about US, but honestly, it has more opportunities than this hellfire. Though now I'm more into Norway and Japan. Really wanna travel there :(

Heheh, yeah, we never really show off to strangers at first. I dont know what exactly I mean by we, but you get my point ♡ Good luck though!! I hope it goes well for you<3

Oh they looks so pretty!! They're really wonderful. Like bubblegum and cotton candy and literally anything sweet... it's so cute !!! And I totally agree, there isnt a bad yellow.

HAHAH, honestly, that reminds me of how there were 4 people with the same name in my class, and whenever the teacher did the attendance thing, they would all stand up. Teachers usually dont say the last names, so we always gotta ask which person they mean if theres more than one person with that name, so yeah.. That happened on accident at first, but then they just did it for trolling xD

OH MY GOD HES SO PRETTY? HES SO PRECIOUS?? HUHHH??? I gotta thank Kuro for this wonderful opportunity of sharing a name with someone like .... him🥺

Oh that's so cool!! Also, he has a boyfriend ... I really need to start reading xD it's so cute though! It sounds like such a good book, I'm glad you share a name with him, hehe!!

I also share my real name with one of the characters in a kids' show, and its SO ugly, I'm in pain. Every time my friends see one of those on TV they go

Which is a pain in the ass, it's so embarrassing...........

Awh, okay!! I'm glad you love it, cuz I do too. Because it's your name.... cuz I love u. That was so lame PLEASEJWJDJSJF I HOPE YOUR DAY WAS GREAT !!! LOVE YOU

[eisheartoffantasy]

Entry #1. Hello Tumblr...

As the title says, hello.

First thing first, if you happened to stumble upon my page and clicked in under the assumption that I'm a Raiden Shogun fan/roleplay account, let me come clean and say that I'm not. Yes, I love the character; yes, I enjoy the game; but this account is, more than anything, a personal journal. Of course, I likely will post about Genshin Impact — personal journal certainly includes what I personally like. My point is: this is a self-focused account, not a fandom-focused one. I will mostly post about my mental health, specifically how I'm (attempting at) getting better.

So now, let me introduce myself to anyone who intends to stay. I'm a college senior in real life and honestly, it's almost a miracle that I've made it this far with my mental state. Ever since junior year of high school, mental health has been something I struggled with on and off. I've struggled at being a competent student, where I couldn't focus fully on studying, resulting in quite a number of failed classes and low grades. The only reason I feel like I haven't had to drop out or delay my degree completion is the fact that I had some of the most lenient professors, attended summer sessions for extra credits, and took advantage of the pass/fail option which my college started allowing due to the pandemic.

Now that I'll graduate pretty soon, I'm in a panic: I have zero idea on how to be an actual adult. I have never successfully applied to a proper job that had anything to do with my field of study. I've lived in a dorm my whole college career, so I have no idea how to rent an apartment. I can barely drag myself out of bed when my depression hits, and it can last for weeks. I have a completely messed up sleep schedule. And, worst of all, I barely have any friends.

Thinking about all of that makes me want to hide, dig a hole and bury myself in it, escape to a separate world where no one can find me, be forgotten by everyone who knows me. I see other people around my age doing things I can't see myself doing for at least another several years, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my incompetent self. In my lowest moments, my shame even turns into resentment: I hate others for achieving what I can't. However, I don't want to let negativity consume me and my life. I don't want to live in a self-destructive way until death. Now, more than I ever have, I want to be better.

And in vague summary, "I want to be better" — that's why I decided to create this account. Of course there is much more to say about myself, but I'll save it for later. If you read all the way to here, I sincerely thank you for your time. If you decide to follow me for my future writings, I'm honored to have you witness my mental health journey, and if you're someone struggling with similar things I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

You may call me Ei here on Tumblr, and only on Tumblr, since you won't find me on any other platform.

With warmth and hopefulness,

Ei