#but seeing them in nyc and philly came about because i so very much want to go visit my friend

[stonesandswords]

last year i went to 7 concerts:

concerts 1, 5, and 6 were to see aly&aj

concerts 2, 3, and 7 were to see finish ticket

concert 4 were to see fleet foxes and my morning jacket

this year, so far, i have 5 concerts planned:

concert 1 was a reggae show for the girlies

concert 2 is a birthday present to see ed sheeran at bottlerock

concerts 3, 4, and 5 are to see the greeting committee

[romancandlemagazine]

An Interview with Alexander Wolfe, the man behind Pedestrian Magazine

Pedestrian is a magazine about the humble art of walking. In this interview, I talked with the man with the plan, Alexander Wolfe, about his love for this much maligned form of transport, his recent expedition from New York to Philadelphia, and the art of conversation.

First off, you recently walked from New York City to Philadelphia over nine days. What made you want to do that?

The initial desire to walk to Philadelphia came out living in New York City during the pandemic. I was bound to my apartment for a few months with little to do but walk around my neighborhood. I've always had a habit of walking around the city, but the pandemic only made these walks longer and longer, which eventually led to a 23 mile journey from my apartment in Brooklyn, to the Bronx, and back.

Around that time I was reading The Roads to Sata by Alan Booth and started contemplating longer, multi-day walks. I needed a change of scenery and found the idea of traveling by foot and living out of a bag very appealing. I felt like I'd developed a process here in the city (go on a walk, take photos, write a newsletter about the walk, repeat) and needed to give myself a challenge.  I wanted to lean further into this practice that I've been developing for the last three years.

I'd never considered my walks to be hikes, so it made sense that I'd keep it in an urban setting. Walking to Philadelphia seemed like a no-brainer. What most people don't initially realize is that most of my time was spent walking through New Jersey. I liked the idea of walking in a place that is commonly misrepresented as the "armpit of America" and typically deemed unwalkable. New Jersey is actually a very underrated state. It might be the densest state population-wise, but it's called the Garden State for a reason. Oh yeah, I'd never been to Philadelphia and just really wanted to visit.

How did the walk go? Quite often trips or excursions can be a fair bit different to how you first imagine them… how did the reality of the walk differ from how you thought it was going to be?

I was presented with a new challenge every day. Don't get me wrong, the walk turned out better than I could have ever imagined, but you can never anticipate everything in advance. This was the first time I'd ever walked with a 25 pound bag on my back, let alone the first time I'd walked 9 days in a row. Originally I set out to average 17.75 miles per day, but thanks to my own curiosity, ended up waking 20 miles a day on average. I mapped the entire route a month or two before leaving, but would always deviate from the path in favor of exploring some neighborhood, road, or park that looked appealing. The first day alone ballooned into 27 miles because I got cocky and thought I didn't need to use my map while walking in Manhattan. I learned my lesson and kept my eyes on the map for the rest of the trip.

Another thing I didn't expect was the sensitivity one develops after walking 6-8 hours for days in a row. The smell of exhaust and gasoline becomes more potent. You realize how violently we've shaped the land to build huge highways and abysmal business parks. So much of our infrastructure is built in favor of the car, which makes being a pedestrian incredibly difficult at times. If the built environment didn't present a challenge, it was always the weather, the gnarly blisters on my feet, or my gear malfunctioning. I quickly learned to accept these challenges. It was just another component of the walk.

A lot of times people go for ‘a walk’, they’re seeking out beauty spots or nice scenery—maybe in nature reserves or the countryside, but your walk was cutting through some fairly overlooked places… industrial estates and small towns. Do people miss out by not seeing the whole picture of somewhere? Is just driving through these places to get to the destination sort of cheating?

I wouldn't consider driving to be cheating – it's just another way we alienate ourselves from the world around us. When we drive, we experience the world at a speed that makes it nearly impossible to pay attention to the fine details. Our relationship to place is abstracted, especially thanks to the rise of GPS. We no longer have to have a physical relationship to these towns. We don't even have to remember how to get to them. Driving around in a car reduces these places to nothing more than a label on a map or a convenient place to stop for gas.

It's important to have relationships with the places surrounding you. The walk has given me an intimate experience with the space between New York City and Philadelphia. I know what it looks like, I know how it feels to be there. I can tell you where residents stop hanging New York Yankees flags in favor of Philadelphia Phillies flags. If I'm watching the Soprano's and Tony references Metuchen, NJ then I know exactly what he's talking about. I think to understand a place, such as New York City, it's just as important to understand the places around it. There are generations of people who once called the Big Apple home, but decided to plant their roots in Jersey for one reason or another.

I suppose you could have read about some of these places on Wikipedia, but being there is a completely different thing. Is experiencing stuff first hand important?

It's very important if you actually want to understand a place. It's too easy to create our own narratives without ever visiting a place. I still tried to do my share of research before heading out. I have friends from North Jersey or the Philadelphia Metro and tried to take their opinions with a grain of salt. I spent some time reading about certain towns along the way on Wikipedia or scanned Reddit to get a vibe. I even previewed chunks of the walk on Google Street View to mentally prepare and know if it was actually safe to walk near some of these roads. I could have spent months preparing, but it never would actually replace walking in these small towns and cities. It's so much different when you're on the ground.

I suppose the main reason we’re talking is that you make a magazine based around the idea of walking. How long have you been making Pedestrian? What started it off?

I released the first issue of Pedestrian back in March of 2018. I was living in Ridgewood, Queens at the time and made friends with a guy named Curtis Merkel (I actually met him while out on a walk). He ran a moving business for a few decades and retired. At 84 years old he opened up a tiny little bookshop to keep himself busy. I'd visit him every weekend to check out his books and eventually we'd just get to talking. He'd lived in Ridgewood his entire life and loved to talk about the neighborhood's history. Moving to NYC also introduced me to a thriving community of zine makers. I wanted to share these conversations I'd had with Curtis in print form, so I decided to start a magazine. I invited a few friends to contribute and the rest was history.

Since then, the identity of Pedestrian has become quite fluid. While it started as a magazine, I would now describe Pedestrian as my own practice. It's a platform that allows me to collaborate with others, produce magazines, write newsletters, go on these long multi-day walks, and produce t-shirts. I have found this configuration gives me the most creative freedom.

A lot of your magazine is about meeting people and striking up conversations. Is this a lost art these days?

I don't know if it's a lost art per se, but there's less incentive to reach out and talk with strangers these days. Thanks to the rise of social media it's just getting easier and easier to stay within our own "bubbles." Starting Pedestrian, in a way, was an excuse for me to speak with those I typically wouldn't reach. It's amazing how having a publication kind of takes the fear out of speaking with strangers. You can do anything when you have intention.

Although walking is something most people do, is it overlooked as an activity? It seems it’s mostly seen as an inconvenience, rather than a hobby in itself.

It depends where you live. In New York City, for example, walking is a part of the culture. The city is built in such a way that makes walking a viable means of transportation. And if you can't walk to your destination, you're likely walking to a subway or a bus. Where I'm from in Iowa, walking is very inconvenient. Everything is spaced out, which makes walking anywhere very difficult. It’s not that people don’t want to walk, it’s just the way we’ve built certain communities has made it very hard to enjoy. It makes people think walking is very inconvenient.

I’m here in Iowa until August and it’s been interesting to walk a place that is so reliant on cars. The other day I did a 13.5 walk around the city. There’s nothing here stopping you from walking (unless the heat gets you. Technically we’re in the middle of a drought. It’s been incredibly hot as of late), and there’s plenty of sidewalk. I think it’s mostly just a mindset people have to develop. It doesn’t matter how many miles you walk, it’s just about getting out there. Your mental health will thank you and you might even learn something new about your surroundings along the way.

Walking is maybe the antithesis to the internet, but Pedestrian also has a decent presence on the World Wide Web, and you regularly send newsletters and... er... partake in the digital world. How do you balance the real world with the matrix?

It’s a relationship I’m constantly reevaluating. I’m not a master of balancing the two yet, but I’m slowly building habits that will protect my time. I often daydream of abandoning social media altogether and picking up a flip phone. I obviously haven’t done that yet, so in the meantime, I’m investing a lot of time in my newsletter. Sending out a newsletter is a much more thoughtful, intimate, and slow experience...kind of like the way I approach my walks out in the world. I understand that the web is a tool and I’m not sure the Philly walk would have gotten the same amount of attention had I not had an Instagram account. It’s cliche, but everything in moderation, right? I try not to take it so seriously.

What next for Pedestrian?

The Philly walk was such a great success and I’d like to keep that momentum going. Later in September I have another big, big walk planned, but I have yet to announce the route. Look for an announcement sometime next month. This one will be a bit longer and involve 3 different cities. I can’t wait.

Once winter hits I’m going to buckle down and produce a proper book for the Philly walk that will include all my writing and photos I took along the journey. I’m already excited to share the finished product with the world. Stay tuned.

Final question, what are your walking shoes of choice? And what's your soundtrack? Are earphones advised for long walks, or do you prefer the ambient sounds of the streets?

I’m a big fan of Hoka Clifton’s. I wore them throughout the entire Philly walk and have two pairs in my closet. At this point, Hoka should probably pay me for how much business I send their way. I’m always recommending them.

I prefer not to wear headphones and just listen to the ambient sounds of the street. More often than not, I find wearing headphones to be a bit distracting and it takes me out of the present moment. Although, I’ll admit I have been trying to introduce music into my walking once again, but few tracks make the cut. Lately Andrew Wasylyk’s Last Sunbeams of Childhood has been on repeat. There’s something about that track...

Find out more about Pedestrian here. Pedestrian is available in the UK courtesy of Central Library.

[arcticdementor]

The outdated definition of a liberal is that of a person who is tolerant of others, their thoughts, and their way of life. This traditional definition has been discarded in favour of an increasingly narrow one largely due to Karl Popper’s “Paradox of Tolerance” in which the intolerant cannot be tolerated as an ‘open society’ will eventually be seized by the intolerant. Therefore, Enlightened Despotism is the ‘proper’ way to govern a society.

It is human nature to challenge despotism and authoritarianism, especially as they fall into intellectual, spiritual, economic and personal corruption. So how are those who challenge such a system to be dealt with? Simply label them as ‘intolerant’, which makes them a de facto outlaw in society.

Christopher Rufo is one of these modern outlaws. Initally a documentary maker, his life recently has taken him down another, much more difficult route: challenging the intellectual basis of today’s American elites, that being Critical Race Theory. He has been credited with singlehandedly putting opposition to this trend on the political map by way of influencing President Trump to issue an Executive Order halting its instruction inside of federal agencies. With Biden’s reversal of Trump’s Executive Order, Rufo is now expanding the front far and wide, and winning key battles along the way.

…

All Italians are mafia so your family is definitely connected to at least one of the NYC Five Families, if not the Outfit in Chicago.  You grew up watching Goodfellas and then eventually moved on to The Sopranos.  You and your wop friends picked up the lingo, started talking like mafiosos, and came across as fucking idiots to everyone around you.  You tried to extort a guy down the block who had a pretty strong betting book but he told his mom and his mom told your mom and your dad got out his belt and told you that you're not allowed to be hardcore.  When was your first hit and why wasn't it Rod Dreher?

There is some truth to this. Like most authentic Italian-Americans, I have distant relatives in both countries who operate “family businesses.” Most of it is harmless: off-the-books car parts, bookmaking, loan collection. We had a relative in Philly who made a living hustling mobsters in golf—he would let them win just enough to keep them hooked, then empty their pockets every so often. The business had its ups and downs. Once, he was sitting with the family on a Sunday, watching the news, when his face suddenly went white. A local mob boss had been arrested. Turns out that our relative had made his living the previous few years hustling that mob boss on the golf course. “Goddammit, now I need to find a job!” he said when the news broke. Most of the time, I don’t ask questions.

…

It’s astonishing to me that as recently as the 1960s, interracial marriage was seen, correctly, as a moral cause and a sign of racial progress. Now, for some factions on the Left, interracial marriages, and mixed-race families in general, are seen as a form of oppression, domination, and false consciousness. They see interracial marriages as an expression of “white supremacy” or, for the minority spouse, as an “assimilation into whiteness.” Some lefties famously blasted Amy Coney Barrett as a “white colonizer” for adopting a Haitian orphan. We’ve gone from Loving v Virginia to Ibram X. Kendi in a single generation. And now we’re beginning to see the revival of informal social prohibitions against interracial marriage and actual racial segregation in schools, universities, and public institutions. I recently obtained photos from King County Library, which held a racially-segregated diversity training program, even hanging up signs outside the separated rooms labelled “People of Colour” and “People Who Are White.” It’s like water fountains in 1955, but in the service of 21st-century woke ideology. The new racial politics of the Left is almost parodically regressive.

…

Others have laid out different strategies in fighting CRT.  Some have suggested confronting Corporate HR Trainers either overtly or subtly so that fellow employees would 'see through' its illogic and inherent awfulness.  Why are these approaches either useless or even counterproductive?

You can’t persuade zealots with logic, facts, and clever argumentation; they only understand the language of power. That’s why the campaign to prove that you’re “the real liberal” or “more antiracist than the antiracists” is doomed to failure. Like it or not, Critical Race Theory is the driving force of the modern intellectual Left; they’re not going back to the philosophy of FDR, LBJ, or MLK. And they scrupulously follow the old dictum of “no enemies to the left”—they will dispatch the centrist liberals with even more vitriol and brutality than they dispatch the conservatives. This is also the core dilemma of the IDW crowd: many of them cannot imagine aligning with political conservatives; they operate under the delusion that they can “recapture the centre” and convince the planet of the virtue of Enlightenment values. That’s not how politics works. We live in a polarized political system—one winner, one loser. You’ll remember that the Girondins went to the guillotine. If, metaphorically speaking, the centrist liberals want to avoid the same fate, they will have to make an alliance with Trump-loving, truck-driving, gun-toting Middle Americans. That’s reality. We’ll see if they heed it.

…

Ibram X. Kendi is a human fortune cookie. His intellectual output is an endless buffet of word salad and phony wisdom: “Denial is the heartbeat of racism”; “In order to truly be anti-racist, you also have to truly be anti-capitalist”; “Whiteness is literally posing an existential threat to humanity.” In my investigative reporting, I’ve noticed something quite interesting: the core demographic of Kendi readers is liberal, white, middle-aged women who work in public institutions. On one hand, this is a surprise: Kendi embraces a radical vision of Black Power-style revolution. On the other hand, it makes perfect sense: Kendi’s politics provides a vicarious thrill, but is completely in line with conventional wisdom. It’s revolution without risk; it’s liberation without leaving the house. That’s really the best way to understand what he’s doing. He’s not a revolutionary; he’s a self-help guru for white liberals and a reputation-laundering mechanism for multinational corporations. He is an apostle of anti-whiteness, but a mouthpiece for elite white opinion. He preaches anti-capitalism, but accepts Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.

…

The dirty secret about Critical Race Theory and, to a certain extent, the New York Times, is that they are both extensions of the state. Critical Race Theory was incubated in public and publicly-subsidized universities and then operationalized in public agencies and public school systems. In reality, Critical Race Theory has very little organic support—it’s an artificial ideology that has the illusion of support because it has commandeered the public bureaucracy and prestige media. But you’ll notice that the Critical Race Theorists are regularly ratioed on Twitter, juice their book sales with institutional purchases, and collect corporate handouts to do their work. The New York Times is similarly situated. It’s the mouthpiece of the permanent state no matter who is in office. Its purpose is to manufacture the narrative and enforce ideological discipline. But here, too, the New York Times is less powerful than it appears. Its authority rests on its historical reputation and prestige, which is rapidly being squandered with each bogus story, newsroom tantrum, and Taylor Lorenz article. I’ll admit: I was momentarily frightened when the Times was putting together a piece attacking my work on Critical Race Theory. But it turned out to be a great coup for me: the Times made a sloppy accusation, so I quickly owned them on Twitter and generated 100 times more social media engagement in my rebuttal than they did in their attack. To top it off, conservatives consider it a badge of honour to get that first NYT hit piece, so I enjoyed a round of attaboys, high-fives, and small donations from my tribe.

…

How much do you shudder when you hear Capicolo pronounced "GABBAGOOL"?

The last time I heard that pronunciation, I shuddered so hard I threw out my back. It’s more than hate speech—it’s actual violence.

[stephhannes]

two years

nathan has been dead for as long as we were together.  

every person that i’ve talked to, every book that i’ve read, every sign that i’ve seen has pointed to “the second year after losing a partner is the hardest.”

this year wasn’t easy- but at least it made sense (for a little bit). in all honesty, i didn’t think i’d see the second year. the first year was so draining. i was so directionless. at least this year, i dug my heels in somewhere and gave it my best shot. i moved out of my mom’s house, i got three jobs, i lost fifty pounds, i took some genuine steps forward.

it didn’t always feel like progress, though.

it hasn’t felt like progress until now, when i’m sitting down trying to collect all my thoughts from the year. this year has felt rocky. every step forward came with two steps backward- i moved out of my mom’s house, and then a couple of weeks later accidentally ran over a dog and had to deal with not having a car for a little over a month. i started consistently going to the gym, and then i majorly sprained my ankle when i fell down a flight of stairs at work, which left me unable to work out for a couple of months, (and then when i started going back, i re-sprained the ankle while literally just walking down a sidewalk). i was depressed, stressed, but surprisingly well-dressed (aka i got my first professional haircut in 6 years and discovered the joy of a wide-legged pant).

and then, of course a pandemic hit and i gained ten pounds back, moved back into my mom’s house and started making more money on unemployment than i could have ever even dreamed of from physically working my three jobs.

there are some days where i’m proud of myself for doing what i’ve done this year- but every time i find myself positive for an extended amount of time, the voice in the back of my head is there, ready to make me feel like it’s all for nothing. i’ve said it a million times- i’ve got my whole life ahead of me, and i don’t want it. not without nathan. it all feels empty.

i’m trying though, and as someone said one time- “it’s the thought that counts.”

+++

i wanted to keep those last couple of paragraphs in, because they’re also how i feel- but the other day i had a moment of clarity. i was reflecting on what august 3rd, 2018 looked like. and i remembered how proud nathan was of me for doing so many things that seem like the bare minimum to me now. i did all of my errands in one day without taking a week to accomplish a few tasks, i read a book, i cooked dinner, i showered. he was proud of me, because at that time, accomplishing those things was a major feat for me.

the version of myself i am now, in august 2020 has no issue doing those things. i find it very easy to set out on a list of action items and get them done within a day. i consistently cook dinner for myself, and actually really enjoy it now. i still maybe don’t shower as often as i should, but that’s just who i am at the core of my being, honestly. i’ve read 23 books so far this year, literally before writing this blog i sat down and read an entire novel. it’s hard to imagine that the period of time between moving to philly and nathan’s death was probably my rock bottom, but it really was. even on my worst days, in the middle of the worst weeks in the last two years, i haven’t been as dangerously depressed as i was back then.  

+++

i keep accidentally telling people that i’m 23 years old when they ask my age. i think it’s because these last two years haven’t felt real. it’s weird, because the two years that nathan and i were together flew by so quickly. when he first moved to new york, we were dreading having to spend 9 months long-distance. we thought it would go by painfully slow, but it flew by.

and then our year in new york flew by.

we accomplished so much in those two years- three degrees between the two of us, living in three different states, undoing years of trauma, the usual.

time has seemed to stand still since he died. i laid in bed for a year, and then upgraded to laying in bed for only 16 hours a day for the second year.

i still haven’t figured out what i want to do, where i want to be, who i’m trying to become- and i think that’s contributing to the stagnation i’ve been feeling.

for years, being able to take care of nathan was a huge percentage of what i felt was my purpose. when we were in high school, my life revolved around dropping everything that was going on with me to be able to be there for him when he was struggling, on occasion he’d return the gesture.

when we were in college, and weren’t actively in each others’ lives, i grew up a lot. i discovered self-esteem, and learned how to be emotionally self-sufficient. as a child, i grew up lonely, and had always been pretty independent- in high school i let a little bit of that guard down to let nathan in, but in college i cemented my inability to accept help from other people. when nathan and i first started seriously talking again, i remember him trying to tiptoe around my feelings, and i was like “dude, i’m really not as sensitive as i was back in high school, you don’t have to treat me like a china doll, i can handle whatever you’re trying to say,” and i remember him responding with “you’re right. you’ve come a long way from that girl i met ten years ago.”

when we started dating, i resigned aspects of my personality. i tried to be more vulnerable. i tried to be less combative and defensive. when we got together, i changed my entire life for our relationship. i already had a job lined up for after graduation,  but when we got together, i immediately gave it up to commit to move to new york after i graduated- to be with nathan and support him through grad school. i remember the day he told me that he wouldn’t do the same thing for me. and it hurt. realistically, i know that it made sense for us to base our life around his career- obviously, i could have found a job anywhere, and no matter where it was, i wouldn’t have made any money. obviously, it made sense for both of us to invest in his success over mine- but it was hard to recognize that i so easily gave up everything to support his goals, when he wouldn’t have done the same thing for me, and he was so easily able to say that to me. this came up a lot when we were talking about our plans for the future. when we moved to philly, i got an opportunity to interview for a dream job, and while i was so excited about it- nathan discouraged me from pursuing it- because it was in theatre, which meant working nights and weekends, which meant that our schedules would become incompatible and we would never see each other.

it was a valid point, so we compromised. i’d go into the second interview for the job, but negotiate different hours and if that didn’t pan out, i wouldn’t take the job. nathan died a couple of days before the interview so i guess that problem resolved itself.

it would be unfair for me to sit here and paint a picture of him never doing anything for me though, that’s not the truth. i remember being shocked when he decided to not move forward with pursuing a phd. it was partially because that was the way the cookie crumbled, but a huge part of that decision was because he wanted to be able to spend time with me, and he wouldn’t have been able to if he was in a phd program.

i don’t regret setting my goals aside for him, it made sense. but more importantly, that’s what i wanted to do. i wanted to do whatever i could to make sure he had everything he wanted. he deserved it.

but it’s been weird to recognize all the things i subconsciously stopped doing throughout our relationship. i used to dye my hair once a week- but i didn’t dye my hair the entire time we were in nyc. additionally, my hair was the longest it’d ever been since like 2007 while we were together.  i used to have a quirky sense of style, but my outfits in nyc were pretty boring, even more boring once we moved to philly.  i think part of that was influenced by the fact that when i moved to nyc i was only able to take one suitcase of clothes, and focused on basics that would be easily multipurposed, and i couldn’t afford to upkeep haircut/color myself anymore, but i think part of it was influenced by this inherent desire to not be unattractive to nathan. a few months ago, i got my nose pierced, which was something that was definitely not on the table when nathan and i were together- and now i think my only personality trait is having a pierced nose, i can’t imagine my face without it. a few weeks ago i straight up shaved off half of my hair. and like, yeah it looks stupid, but it’s so freeing to be able to look stupid without worrying about what anyone else has to say about it. i’ve never cared what people think about my style, which is obvious in the way that i wore cat sweaters to school every day senior year of high school, and literally just everything i did between the years of 2005 and 2009- but i did always care about what nathan thought.

it’s been strange re-discovering these things. it’s felt weird to rebuild my personality, my interests, my goals without nathan in the picture.

+++

i’m not saying that i’m a person that believes that ‘everything happens for a reason’ (mostly because i think that’s a cop-out. it’s easy to justify anything as ‘happening for a reason’ when there’s enough distance between the event and the outcomes) but hypothetically, if i were, it would make a lot of our relationship make sense.

i’ve always been thankful that we never dated in high school- we would have straight up destroyed each others’ lives. we were both super toxic, and immature, and it wouldn’t have ended well. of course, when i was 16 and things weren’t working out, i thought it was the end of the world- but in retrospect, the people that we were in high school weren’t romantically compatible. i think it’s really special that we were able to have a successful relationship after the 10 years of drama. i think that it’s really special that when we were apart, we grew up into two markedly different puzzle pieces that ended up  fitting together perfectly. i think it’s really special that no matter what happened, no matter what city we were in, we always came back to each other periodically. no matter what.

when we got together, the timing wasn’t ideal- but it was the right time. we both knew that we would end up together at some point- i don’t think either of us would have been able to rest until it happened, and i think it’s really special that when we decided to take that chance, we didn’t know if things would work out, necessarily- but they did.

if i were to hypothetically believe that everything happens for a reason, i think it was a gift to me to be with someone that had already lost a partner. i learned a lot about differentiating between aspects of his personality that were genuinely who he was, and what was learned as a coping mechanism. i learned a lot about giving him space to grieve, how to be gentle with certain feelings and emotions. i learned a lot about how to push him to overcome trauma, but not push too far. all of that has given me a framework for what to expect and need from a partner in the future when i start seriously dating again.

if i thought that everything happened for a reason, the reason for our relationship was to teach me something. the difference between nathan and i was that he was a serial monogamist, constantly in a long-term relationship, and i was the exact opposite. by the time we got together, he’d been through the motions of dealing with someone for an extended period of time. and for me, our relationship was like a crash course in monogamy. moved in together as soon as we could, engaged on our 2nd anniversary. with the way that things panned out, i’m glad that we never took a break, that we moved quickly. i learned a lot about the importance of consistency and commitment.

but more importantly, i think our relationship was for him. it is infinitely heartbreaking to recognize that there are so many things that he will never get the chance to accomplish, so many things he’ll never see- but on the other hand of that, i watched him have a full character arc. it’s sad that he didn’t get to exist in this reality of being genuinely happy for longer, but i’m so grateful that he was able to rest there for a little while, at least. i’ll never forget all of the moments where he was so touched by me showing him what i thought of as just the bare minimum of human decency. there was one night that i stayed on the phone with him for 6 hours because he was having a bad night, and the next day he was so emotional because that was “the most loving thing” anyone’s ever done for him, but to me it was a no-brainer, of course i’m going to stay on the phone with you when you’re having a bad night, that’s what i’m here for. at the beginning of our relationship, he was nervous to be vulnerable around me, and every time he was scared to talk about something i’d have to remind him, “you’ve known me for 11 years, i’ve seen a lot, you’ve told me a lot, have i ever shamed you for anything you’d told me?” and he’d remember that, no, i’ve always been level-headed and understanding- and eventually we were able to work through things in a much more productive way.

i think a lot about all the things he was scared to talk to me about, and the thing i think about the most is that he was scared because someone in the past had given him reason to feel ashamed. i hate that for years, he felt like he had to compartmentalize himself.

and i remember after years of showing him this grace, of giving him all the space in the world to be exactly who he was- the day when i finally started seeing him sharing these parts of himself with people that weren’t me. i eventually started to see the walls he had built coming down, a brick at the time, but coming down nonetheless. and i was so proud.

it’s hard for me to let go of our relationship. i miss nathan every day- but i also have to keep reminding myself that i served my purpose. i did what i was supposed to do. i was a good, consistent partner. i loved him, and supported him, and gave him everything i could. the point of marriage is to stand by someone’s side until they die, and that’s exactly what i did. there’s nothing else i can do. our relationship was good, and it was short, but it was full of excitement and love and growth. it was everything that i dreamt of when i was 15 years old and had no idea what a relationship should look like. it was everything that i dreamt of when nathan and i were hesitant about trying to pursue a relationship.

it was everything.

+++

at a work training last year, we did an icebreaker where we paired up and randomly selected one question from a stack of prompts to answer and talk about with your partner. the question i got was “what’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done?”

prior to nathan’s death, i don’t think i’ve ever been brave. i’ve always been timid, bravery was never an outward expression for me- maybe there were moments where i was quietly brave, but i would have never described anything i’d done as brave.

my answer to the question was “oh, i guess probably when i had to give nathan cpr”

here’s the thing, honestly when i think about that day, and the subsequent weeks, i’m in shock at how capable i was. for the first time in my life, in the midst of a literal crisis, i was calm, and solution-oriented. that’s not who i am, i love to catastrophize about the tiniest things.

i wouldn’t have been able to do it without nathan. without his endless patience. without his ability to be both firm with me when i was letting my anxiety get ahold of me, yet gentle enough to not hurt my feelings. without the years of him believing in me, even when i didn’t believe in myself. we set each other up for success.

+++

i feel like there’s been a lot of negativity in this blog, which isn’t the impression i’m trying to leave. i’m gonna be honest with y’all- with all this free time in quarantine, i’ve found myself out here revisiting stages of grief that i left behind months ago just for funsies. except nothing about it is what i would describe as funsies. it’s been a lot of anger, and i think that’s why there’s this underlying bitterness in what i’ve been saying.

it’s easier to get angry, to try to distance myself from the relationship, to make it seem like things weren’t great because it’s infinitely harder to remember how much i loved nathan and how much love i have left within me to give to him.

i’ve found myself awake in the middle of the night, revisiting old arguments, thinking of all the things i wish i’d said, revisiting moments where i’d wished i’d shown a little more backbone, revisiting moments where i wish i’d been gentler, or quicker to apologize. the problem is that i’m a lot more emotionally intelligent now- but obviously it’s easy to be a genius when you have two years to reflect on things, to dive in, to unpack everything and analyze it.

when i spend time thinking about these shortcomings, obviously they find their way into my writing. that’s just the reality of trying to be a reliable narrator. not every character is perfect.

the only way i know how to keep nathan close to me, to keep him around is writing about the time we spent together. and the reality of it is, that time was tumultuous for a solid 7 years. it’s been weird trying to navigate the line of “what are things that i want to keep just for us, and what are things i’m ok with sharing publicly?” i have an enormous online footprint. i’ve been a public figure online for like 10 years. i’ve always been on social media. i’m fine with that for myself- but my relationship with nathan was private, especially once we actually started dating. when it came to our relationship, neither of us publicly shared much. for awhile after he died, part of me wanted to keep everything for myself- not let anyone in. but then i remembered this sentiment that nathan shared with me time and time again- “i just want everyone to know that i’m yours.”

the other day i was looking through old instagram posts, and the one i made for our engagement literally just said “y’all ever uhhhh...get engaged?” and that was it. and that felt completely appropriate. i’ve always been skeeved out when couples post overly romantic garbage on social media. what are you trying to prove? why is it so important to you for people who barely know you to read a post and know how ~madly in love~ you are? performativity in relationships makes me so uncomfortable, and i’m really thankful that neither nathan nor i were interested in that at all- people that didn’t know us didn’t get to make conclusions about our relationship, and the people that did know us were able to make their own conclusions based on how they saw us interacting with each other, or how we’d talk about each other to our friends when we weren’t in the same room together. all of that time that others spend on taking a good picture for instagram, or writing a perfect caption, or whatever was time that nathan and i got to have just for ourselves. we spent as much time together as we could. 

my disdain of performativity runs even deeper than that, though. i’m even a little uncomfortable when a couples’ public wedding vows are too intimate. i always had two sets. there was the one that i read at nathan’s funeral- that was what i had planned on saying publicly at our wedding, but there was also another much more extensive letter that i was going to give to him privately. 

i feel like when i made that engagement post on instagram and facebook, a lot of people were like “wow that seems sudden!” but everyone that really knew us was like “oh hell yeah, i’m surprised it took this long” my coworkers literally predicted my engagement before i had even considered that it was going to happen. when i left work early for our anniversary someone straight up was like “if you don’t come back on tuesday with a ring on your finger i’m sending you back home.” because they’d heard the way i talked about nathan, they’d seen us interact with each other. it made sense.

we made it a point to not actively talk shit about each other to anyone else. which i think was really helpful for me specifically, a person who loves to hold a grudge- every time he did something that mildly annoyed me, i wouldn’t just pop off and vent to whoever, i’d just talk to him about it and the issue would resolve itself. on bigger issues, i would talk to my close friends about it but never in a “my boyfriend sucks” kind of way, just in a “this is an issue i’ve been having and idk the best way to resolve it, what are your thoughts?” kind of way.

for some reason, it’s always surprised me when i realized that nathan actually talked about me when i wasn’t in the room. like, obviously he would, but it was always surprising to me. when i first met his friends, a couple of people were like “oh!!! we’ve heard so much about you.” and i was just like wow i didn’t think that you’d even know that i existed. sometimes when i’d show up to a party someone would be like “so i heard that (celebrity) showed up at your work the other day, how was that?” and i would be like how do you know these things about me, and then i’d remember that nathan was talking about me and it was always super heartwarming.

after nathan died, a few people mentioned some particularly nice things he’d said about me when i wasn’t in the room, and every time someone would mention something, i’d be like “wow! i can’t believe this man that obviously loves me also loves me when i’m not around!” it’s like i’m a baby that still hasn’t learned about object permanence.

+++

i feel bad for not writing more this year. excluding this blog, i’ve only posted twice since last august. a big reason for that is every time i sit down to try to write something, whether it be a facebook post on a significant anniversary, or a full-length blog, i get discouraged because for right now, i feel like i’ve said everything i can say. i feel like the first year after nathan died, i was great at being poignant and sharing these little insights and as more time passes, as these anniversaries come again, i don’t have a better way to say what i’ve already said.

the core of every post is the same- i miss nathan. i love nathan. and for as long as i can find ways to say it, i will.

most days, missing nathan feels the same. it’s a dull ache that’s always there, but that i’ve grown accustomed to, that i’ve grown to live with. on occasion, it’s a more acute pain. the other night, i cried because i had the thought, “i wonder if my cats miss nathan,” i think they do, but for some reason, that thought made missing him hurt a little more that day.

i still mostly only sleep on my side of the bed, but the other day i got upset because i realized that my full-sized mattress seemed small. it’s never felt like that before.

the first year of our relationship, we shared twin sized beds, and it never seemed too small, not even with the two of us. when we upgraded to a full, it felt huge, it seemed like there was so much space between us when we were on our respective sides- by the morning we always ended up on the same side, literally attached to each other. the other night i found myself not understanding how i’d lived with a twin sized mattress my entire life, i felt claustrophobic with just myself and my laptop in the bed. it was just another physical reminder of how different things are, how different my perspective is now that nathan is gone.

the world feels a lot smaller without nathan in it.

[kircns]

⌜ •°  ✦  °• — HEY!! is that AVAN JOGIA? no, that’s KIRAN MEHTA, hanging out in BROOKLYN. they’re TWENTY-EIGHT years old and use HE/HIM pronouns. what do they do here? they’re A MUSICIAN and they’ve lived here FOUR YEARS. their favourite thing about the city is THE FEELING OF INVINCIBILITY, but they hate THE COLD. they pride themselves on being CAREFREE.

Kiran was born and raised in a small, suburban town in North Carolina. His father was an immigrant from India, but his mother had grown up in that same town. His parents met in college, at Duke University, and settled down in his mother’s hometown because at the time of their marriage, her mother had been sick and they needed to be nearby. 

His father is a lawyer and his mother a pediatrician. There wasn’t much room for creativity in their household, as Kiran was very much expected to follow the path of the straight and narrow. Kiran was always arguing for the sake of arguing, and his father would simple ruffle his hair and say he was born to be a lawyer. At 7, he’d never seen his father so proud as when he proclaimed, “I want to study at Duke and become a lawyer like Dad!” 

Of course, goals change. Kids who once dreamed of becoming a doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut, start to find their real passions — or, in Kiran’s instance, discover their short comings. School was not something he enjoyed and he tended to get distracted by doodling in his notebook or drumming his fingers against the edge of his desk. He learned guitar in secret  — it’s not that his parents were against music, they liked it just fine, but rock ‘n roll was not allowed in the house, and spending his free-time playing the instrument as opposed to studying was certainly not acceptable 

He discovered weed at 16, which was the first time he felt as though he escaped from the pressure. It was on a particularly enlightening trip that he decided: Fuck. This. I wanna be a Rockstar. 

So when his senior year rolled around, he didn’t actually apply to any colleges (though of course he’d told his parents he had). And when acceptance letters started, he teamed up with his best friend to forge a UCLA letter, where he told his parents he’d be attending for pre-law.

So August after he graduated, he took his car (an Audi that his parents had given him for his 16th birthday due to perfect grades, a report of which he had forged as well), and drove out to Los Angeles with his best friend, who was actually going to UCLA for computer science. His thought process was: I’ll get there, I’ll go to Capitol Records, I’ll play for them, and boom. Record deal. Obviously, that wasn’t so much the case. 

In December of that year, his parents discovered he wasn’t actually attending UCLA. Angry and disappointed, they cut him off, which left Kiran with an apartment he couldn’t afford (and was forced to vacate) and a suitcase full of his belongings. And his precious car, which he’d end up living out of on top of couch surfing for the next six months. 

And then, good news finally struck. A UCLA student, a friend of a friend of a friend, who was studying to be in the entertainment industry, had decided to take on Kiran as his project. He wanted to manage him — and, with the little luck he’d had in succeeding so far, Kiran agreed. Next thing he knew, he was being signed to a small, independent record label and was booking shows at small venues around Los Angeles, and then San Diego, and then Portland and Seattle, and he just kept on spreading. 

It had been two year after he graduated high school that he returned to the east coast, but he hadn’t gone back to North Carolina. This time, he was in New York City, and he absolutely fell in love. He played a small show in Brooklyn with not even a hundred people, but it was still perfect. He met a girl, who’d complimented his set, and who he briefly fell in love with for just the night, just for the hours that he took her back to his hotel room. In the morning that feeling had vanished, and he’d sent her on her way, promising to call. He’d since forgotten that promise. 

After a few shows in NYC, Boston, Philly, etc, he returned to LA. But there was always something missing out there, and he never felt quite right about it. At twenty-four, he decided he wanted to live in New York full time. By then, he’d gained a sort of cult following. He wasn’t famous, by any means, but he was playing to rooms of about 300 people, and his shows tended to sell out amongst the underground crowd. He moved to Brooklyn, renting out an apartment in Williamsburg, where he has remained ever since. 

Personality wise, Kiran can be a bit of a snob at times. His stage name is KIRAN. He’s super passionate about music but can come across as a bit pretentious about it. He’s a big lover, but he falls in love with everyone and everything. He can write a love song about someone one night, and write another love song about someone else the next. Has a very carefree, go with the flow attitude. Literally always playing guitar or humming a tune. 

Wanted Connections

Band Mates: Every frontman needs his band!  If there’s any musicians, a guitarist, bassist, drummer, and mayhaps keyboardist would be cool. I’m still deciding on the voiceclaim, but I’m thinking something like The Growlers 

That One Girl: This is mentioned in the bio in slightly more detail, but when he was twenty and came to New York on a mini tour, he met a girl after his show and they went back to his hotel. Of course he’d promised he’d keep in touch, of course he didn’t. NYC is a huge place, he never thought he’d see her again. Well...I thought it’d be a fun connection if he did see her again. All these years later ( nearly 8 years ! ), they randomly bump into each other in some thrift shop in Brooklyn, or some diner in Manhattan, or a brewery in Queens. Anything works ! 

Manager/Best Friend: This is kind of a specific request so I may have to put in a wanted connection for this, but Kiran’s manager was a UCLA student that decided to make Kiran his project. Kiran was the first artist he ever managed, and it’s been a whole decade, so the two are thick as thieves, even if they don’t always see eye to eye on everything. 

All I Need: This is a connection inspired by a song, lol. Kiran is bisexual, So this is open to any gender ! In the song All I Need by The Frights, the lead singer sings about their baby!! The Love of their life!! In a song later released, Whatever, he sings: “and i’m still messed up from when you said you didn’t love me thirty minutes before we played ten songs about your name. and this crowd is screaming back, as i had a heart attack, as i tried to play the lead as i yelled you’re all i need” Basically gimme an ex who broke his heart, an ex who he wrote a lot of love songs about and now they’re hard to play live ! He’s been living in NYC for the past 4 years, so any time within then works. 

Honestly everything ! Neighbors, enemies, frenemies, give me a ton of friendship plots because i seriously can’t get enough of friendships

[sayinitsgonnabealright]

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you

July marks the TWELVE YEAR anniversary of hearing your music for the first time, and on top of that I’m turning TWENTY and seeing you FIVE TIMES!

I’m seeing you at Philly night one (July 13th), Metlife nights one, two, and three (July 20th, 21st, and 22nd), and Gillette night one (July 26th) and then my birthday is July 31st!! 

I am so thankful for all of the memories we have shared over the past twelve years, and I’m ready to make so many more.

If you can, I would love to hear Out of the Woods on the b-stage in honor of my “the monsters turned out to be just trees, when the sun came up you were looking at me” tattoo

On May 22nd, Tara aka @upliftingswiftieisdead (who you should totally follow) and I danced the night away in Seattle at Centurylink field and had the night of our lives. She has been my rock and sunshine since we met at 1989 Seattle, and I am so so so lucky to be able to share those amazing memories with you! I flew home from NYC to Seattle for my hometown show and it was everything I could have ever asked for.

Over the past twelve years, you have absolutely changed my life. You've been here for me through my parents divorce, through my struggles with mental illness, self harm, and body image, through toxic relationships, lost friendships, struggles with school, with my family, getting in to my dream school, moving across the county from Seattle to NYC inspired by you, adopting and training my service dog and taking my mental illness head-on. You've been the high to all my lows, the light through all my darkness, and sometimes one of the only things to keep me going and keep me brave and strong.

I've seen five of your shows now, one on each tour. I've seen you every time you came to the Seattle area, from Key Arena to the Tacoma Dome to Centurylink! My mom and I saw you in Vegas when we won tickets to the iHeartRadio festival, and I just saw you with my best friend, Dee, and service dog, Samantha, at Madison Square Garden for Jingle Ball! I'm not sure if you remember, but you sang You're Not Sorry for me in Tacoma on the red tour because my friend who met you requested it for me, and you found me at the bstage during your speech before and said "don't cry, I love you"!!! You also pointed at Jolene, Erica and I during Out Of The Woods during the 1989 tour in Seattle when we were in the pit!

I don't know if you've seen my post about it, but for as long as I've know what tattoos are, I've wanted "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you" tattooed in your handwriting. Since turning 18, I've gotten 4 tattoos, 2 of which are dedicated to you! I have an evergreen tree on the outside of my right ankle, and a sun on the inside of my right ankle. They represent "the monsters turned out to be just trees, when the sun came up you were looking at me". OOTW is a song that has been there for me through all of the twists and turns of the last 3 years of my life, and having these with me all the time reminds me just what I'm fighting for, what I'm doing with my life.

I'm graduating college in exactly a year (may 2019!), and this past year has been one of growth and change. I don't think I could have made it through it without you, and without reputation. All of your albums, all of your songs (even the unreleased ones) have been there for me exactly when I needed them. From listening to Fearless in the back of my mom's car when I was dealing with endless bullying, to escaping with Speak Now when I was starting with my high school and my whole life was changing, to sobbing to Red when ending my toxic, abusive relationship and losing all my "friends", to 1989 becoming my soundtrack to my last year of high school and move to NYC, to reputation holding my hand through all my darkest nights and hardest times. You have, and always will be, the soundtrack of my life. Every song correlates with another story, another memory, another moment that I will never forget.

I'm so thankful for you liking my photo on instagram (one of the first posts you ever liked!!!), for following me (even though I broke my computer because of it), for reblogging my post on tumblr (and tagging "love youuuuuuu"), tweeting a picture of me baking 1989 cookies, for every like, every interaction, every moment that has kept me going over these past 12 years. You have also brought so many amazing people into my life, from Tara @upliftingswiftieisdead to Jolene @burnttoast13 and Brooke @mosaicbrokenhearts and Bailey @redlipclassic, my high school best friend Erik, my college best friend and big sister Dee, and even my service dog Samantha! You have given me so much to look forward to, to live for, and a real purpose and source of happiness in my life. I hope that maybe you’ve seen how thankful I am, and all the times I’ve written to you over the years. 

I was originally supposed to come to your reputation celebration party in nyc in november, but unfortunately there was a miscommunication between at&t and your team and the people I was invited by about my service dog and my schedule and in the end they took me off the list and said that it “wasn’t a big deal” to miss the event... I was so heartbroken but at&t ended up showcasing my service dog and I in their advertisements for your pop up shop and I know that someday I’ll be able to get that hug that Samantha and I were supposed to give you on that day!

It would also be amazing if you could please please please play Out of the Woods at Metlife nights 1, 2, or 3, or Gillette night 1! From my tattoo post, you can see how much that songs means to me. At the beginning of the month, the person that I thought was going to end up with, that was my longest and (I thought) best relationship, broke up with me. It’s been honestly really devastating and so hard for me, but you’re here for me again, right beside me. 

I love you so very much and I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me. I could never imagine loving someone else for so long, and I'm so thankful that you have been the longest and best relationship I've ever had. I hope you might read my other posts, see my tattoos, and maybe even want to hug me after these 12 years. I saw you in Seattle (after flying back from NYC so I can come to my hometown show!) and can’t wait to see you again at Philly night 1, MetLife all 3 nights, and Gillette night 1.

Thank you for being my rock, my sunshine, my evergreen tree, and my best friend forever. Love youuuuuuu forever and ever and thank you for everything. Can't wait to dance the night away together!!

[yuniesan]

Rucas Holiday Bingo - Surprises in Santa Land

This is for the Work as an Elf Square on the Holiday Bingo Card

A/N: Everyone gets to visit Santa when they’re growing up, well if your faith allows it, usually you see those mall Santa’s on TV, but here in NYC we have Santaland which is at Macy’s. I mean there’s still mall Santa’s but the Macy’s one is the one everyone tries to go to because it’s one of those traditions you have to have growing up. Also, I worked there, and while it is magical when you’re there, when you work there you get a crash course in Holiday retail, and it’s a nightmare I swear.

Also, it started snowing just as I finished writing this.... so the snow is blessing our favorite couple!!!

Surprises in Santa Land

Riley could always remember the day when she knew that December would be the greatest month ever. She had been six years old, and her parents had taken her to the mall to see Santa while they were visiting her grandparents, everything felt magical. When she was eight they took her to see Santa on her birthday, so that she could ask for two presents, one for her birthday and one for Christmas.

That was the first time they had taken her to see Santa at Macy’s, she had asked them why she couldn’t see him when he was at the store since they lived closer, and why she always had to go with Josh when they were in Philly. Auggie had been a year old at the time, and her parents had wanted to find a way to fulfill Riley’s wish. So as a family they had gone for the first time, getting on the long line to see Santa. When they walked through the maze Riley had seen nothing but magic all around them, the music, the little town displayed next to them, and at the end Santa’s Village with elves walking around.

December had always had this magic touch for her, the moment the month arrived, she would jump for joy and decorate her room with every ornament she could find. Her parents had found it quirky, and her friends weren’t the most supportive because of her love of things like Secret Santa, but it didn’t matter to her because there was nothing that could get her down when December came along.

She had gone through high school with her traditions and had wanted to keep them for college, as all of her friends scattered, Riley off to NYU, Lucas off to one of the CUNY schools, Maya at the New School, Farkle and Smackle at Princeton, and surprisingly at NYU Zay with Riley. Josh had graduated, but had stayed in the city, his relationship with Maya finally getting to where they had always wanted it to be, the long game finally over, because if Riley had wanted one thing to stop it would be the pining between the two of them.

The fourth year of school, Riley had decided to get a job at Macy’s, she wanted to buy something for Lucas for the holidays and it was a little on the expensive side for her because she didn’t really have money. Even with internships and work study, all of her money went into saving up, because she was never sure if she would have enough money after she graduated and moved out of her parents’ house. The job was as an elf at Santaland, the magical place from her childhood, and she couldn’t have been happier because it was like living a childhood dream. They paid their employees very well and even allowed them to walk the parade which made the whole experience worth a million dollars to her. She had finished the semester only working three days a week, but once she was done they had allowed her to work more hours as the crowds started coming in.

“Welcome,” she would say to everyone as she greeted them into the maze, where they would wait.

Her family and friends hadn’t known that she was there, and she was glad for it too, they only knew that she had taken a holiday job, because she couldn’t babysit her brother anymore, since her was old enough to take care of himself. She always worked crowd control for some reason, but it hadn’t mattered to her as long as she saw the excited faces on the little kids. It reminded her of when she was little and going to see Santa, but she had realized that she hadn’t seen Santa that year and she really wanted to, even as an elf, because it would be a memory she would treasure.

The last day, which was also the shortest day they had to work, was actually the hardest for Riley, the line was longer than usual, and people were irritating her for some reason. She hadn’t seen her friends in weeks, as Josh had taken Maya to Philly, because he was going to propose there while they spent the holiday with Riley’s grandparents, Farkle and Smackle had gone off to Alaska, because they had wanted to study something, Zay was in Texas baking with his grandmother, and she didn’t even know where Lucas was at all. It was the first time that they hadn’t done Secret Santa, which made her melancholy, and the people waiting to see Santa himself had resorted to trashing the place as they went along, not caring about the magic of the place at all.

Each time she had to change her station she had found something that shouldn’t have been where it was, one of which was a used diaper, which she thought was gross, she had to pick it up and put it somewhere else. Again gross. The magic of the holiday was fading, and she didn’t like losing that part of herself, but she also wanted it to be done because some people didn’t believe in boundaries if they were leaving their trash all over the place, not caring about the place they were visiting.

So, when the last person had walked through leaving Riley alone dressed as the saddest elf in the place, she sighed and started cleaning up everything around her just like she had done every night since she had started working there. Her co-workers rushing around, excited to be going home for the holiday, while she was still sad about not having the chance to spend it with her friends and family.

“Hey Riley,” one of her co-workers said to her as she walked by. “The boss wants to see you in the village, she said you were the only one who hasn’t taken a picture with the big guy.”

“Yeah well,” she said looking around, the place was clean, but she still wanted to find a way to get her spirits up, she loved Christmas. “I guess I was busy, but I’ll be there in a minute.”

Riley wanted to smile, she didn’t want to have her moment with Santa, her wish to be tainted by the way others acted, or by the fact that she missed her friends. So, she took several breaths, watching as the little train made its final journey for the year, before walking to the end of the maze where Santa’s village stood with its little houses and the north pole candy cane at the center. She was going to smile for her picture, and then she would go home and treasure it for the rest of her life.

When she got there, she looked up to where the candy cane stood and came face to face with Lucas for the first time in what had felt like a million years. He was smiling, wearing her favorite blue sweater of his and a pair of black jeans, contrasting with the red, white and green of the village. He was smiling at her, and she could feel her heart speed up as he did so, because he looked gorgeous and she looked like a haggard little elf.

“Hey,” she said to him smiling for real for the first time that day.

“Hi,” he said which strangely had always been her words, and now it was weird that it was backwards, but it still felt right.

“Hey,” she said walking towards him, reaching out to take his hand, and smiling.

“I wanted to surprise you,” he said after a moment. “We’ve all been so busy lately, and I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but all of our friends abandoned us.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” she said, no bitterness in her voice, because Lucas being there made up for everything bad that had happened during the day.

“I asked your boss for permission to come here today, so that I could surprise you, and take you to dinner, but I think maybe you might just want to go home Riles, because you look a little tired.”

“Not anymore, not since I saw you,” she could feel her face flush, he would always have that effect on her, especially when he surprised her like this.

“Well, I had two reasons to be here today,” he said smiling as his ears turned red, she had noticed it when they had first started going out, how when he was embarrassed or blushing, it would show on his ears first. It was cute, and she loved it the most, when they cuddled she would always nuzzle up to his ears, and he had started putting cologne there too, which made her want to stay close to him all of the time.

“Other than seeing me dressed like this?” she gestured to her outfit with a goofy grin, all of a sudden feeling the magic of the holiday coming back.

“Yeah,” he answered with his own grin. “The first was to surprise you with dinner, and the second was to well,” he got down on his knee and took her hand. “Riley Matthews, you’ve been the sun in my life for almost ten years now, and while we’ve had some ups and downs over the years, we’ve always come back to one another. You’re my soulmate, my better half, the love of my life, and I want to spend the next hundred million years being with you,” he pulled out a small ring, it looked like the one she had seen at a vintage store a few months before, when they had been on a date, and had decided to walk around. “Will you do me the honor of being my wife?”

It was there in that moment, while she was dressed as an elf, surrounded by Santa’s Village, where she remembered why she loved Christmas so much. It was because of the people she had always been with, her friends, her family, and most of all the man kneeling in front of her.

“Yes Lucas, I will be glad to spend the rest of my life with you, and even when we turn to stardust, I will still be there right next to you.”

With a grin, he stood up and put the ring on her finger before pulling her close and kissing her, the grin still on both of their faces, the cheers of the people around them. In the most Christmas place in the world, because there was a magic in the holiday, one that she had always known, and almost lost, only to find it again.

When they pulled away, Riley was surrounded not only by her coworkers, but her friends and family who had been hiding without her knowing. Lucas having planned the perfect proposal after all, even having everyone tell her that they would be somewhere else. Mainly because none of them would have been able to keep the secret, especially with how her father had been for so long, and who had currently faked a heart attack. Which meant that he hadn’t known about the proposal, and it made her laugh out loud when she saw him, before she gave Lucas another kiss, taking his hand and bring him to Santa’s house, because she wanted a picture of the moment so she could remember it for the rest of her life.

[smollandtoll]

HC: Sid + Anna First (OT3)

So, in a universe in which Anna decides early on in her career that she wants to be a sports journalist, and also decides that if she truly wants to be the top of her career/internationally recognised she’s going to have to go to America and work for ESPN or some other major sports news conglomerate (and we’re definitely not saying that we think that north america is the be all end all for sports in the world because that’s ridiculous but slide along with us here as we have no idea what we’re talking about).

So she studies English, and moves to the states maybe enrolls in college there, starts working her way up. Probably ends up in the metropolitan area (NYC, Philly, Boston, DC), flowing through all the hockey and football and basketball circles for various sporting events, reporting on them.

She and Sid meet through mutual friends.

Maybe after the concussion but before Sochi. Their first date is actually a business meeting, they’re getting coffee to discuss a plan of attack for a profile she’s writing on him probably - he’s wearing all Penguins gear and giving off his best mannequin/robot impression and she’s trying to be 100% hard hitting JOURNALISM. But then they find themselves laughing helplessly at the way Sid spills his coffee and Anna mixes up a word or two (it reminds him of how endearing Geno is probs, he also definitely considers for A HOT MINUTE that he should set G & Anna up maybe).

He probably is deeply interested in how she came to be in the sports business, considering she’s a long way from home and so knowledgeable? Like her looks are one thing, but her SPORTS BRAIN … #sidnerdboner. They’re both super driven, and Anna is smart and funny and sharp as hell, AND she can talk hockey and keep up, and Sid is just like so sincere and a little goofy but also charmingly serious, and they just like each other. They talk for LITERAL HOURS. The coffee shop they’re in probably has to shoo them out when they close and they’re both horrifically embarrassed at how off-track that meeting got when they look around and the place is basically empty.

They both walk away thinking about each other. If he’s honest with himself Anna makes Sid think a lot of Geno. Both tall hot Russian brunettes, smart, funny, take no shit while also giving you shit- and Sid’s definitely been somewhat conditioned to be into Russian accents. He knows how to keep it on the DL in the locker room, but, he’s thought about it. And Anna’s gorgeous, of course he’s thinking about her for a bit there. But, y’know, Sid’s not one to walk away thinking he’s got it in the bag; he probably thinks they just connected well and he’ll hear from her when the article comes out and the little crush will taper off with distance.

So then Sid finds out that Anna has handed off her interview notes with him to someone else in the dept she works with. Sid is completely not there for it, like “But why?! You worked so hard!”

Anna: Can’t be professional and date you. It’s a conflict of interest. Sid: ...date? Anna: Just waiting for you to ask Sid: Oh! Um! For sure.

Sid definitely thought she was out of his league, and maybe would be better off with Geno. Someone more confident and flashy, who knew how to buy her jewels and surprise her with designer shoes and take her on luxury vacations to appreciate her completely aesthetic and not-at-all-practical swimwear. He got a little lost in her instagram one time, SUE HIM HE’S A RED BLOODED MALE AND SHE LOOKS LIKE THAT.

So, he was not prepared for her abrupt interest in him at all...but he likes her too and well, he can’t date Geno...so maybe this is like a healthy middle ground. She reminds him of G so much in addition to everything that’s great about her, and this way he gets the best of both worlds maybe. Y’know, sublimate the one crush into the other.

So then he does ask her out, and they continue to have riveting sports conversations, and Sid appreciates her wicked sense of humour and how familiar she feels. He feels like knowing Geno has been his cheat sheet for knowing Anna, there are things she wants and does and complains about that he’s heard before and has already figured out solutions to, and he’s heard all about Russian women and what they’re into over the years (not that these stereotypes are all true but like, there are cultural differences!).

Sid and Anna are also both SMOKING HOT and have athletic, aesthetically pleasing sex (as much as sex can be aesthetic) that Sid is so INTO BECAUSE HER LEGS NEVER END. He’s so into her natural beauty, her ability to look sexy in one of his oldest hole-iest hoodies and a penguins cap with little to no sleep, face puffy, and her emails open on his breakfast bar. She’s all messy hair and gorgeous tan limbs in his kitchen, and he feels luckier all the time for having her. And Sid - we all know Sid is good boyfriend material; dedicated, honest, funny, hot. Listen, it’s good.

Anna gets along with Sid’s parents, his sister. She definitely gave Taylor hat & hair style advice when dealing with a feminine face that has a strong jawline. She understands EVERYTHING about hockey, including his need for routine or for her to disappear occasionally. His heart stutters when she trash talks baseball players and pinches him after games where he missed easy shots. He loves it, she truly understands and never lets him have an inch.  BASICALLY SID IS HEAD OVER HEELS.

Of course he’s super nervous about introducing her to the guys ESPECIALLY GENO. He’s pretty sure everyone is going to tease him about finding female!Geno and Geno is going to have THOUGHTS because he and Anna will have a connection that Sid cannot understand or access. He’s #nervous.

Geno finds out he’s dating a Russian woman and for the most part IMMEDIATELY HEARTILY APPROVES because Russia best. But then you know he starts really pressuring to meet her. Geno and Anna don’t know each other at all in this universe, she was never a Russian media personality and he’s super famous so their paths never really crossed.

When they do meet it’s at some team get together BBQ. Sid’s been taking Anna around and introducing her to all the guys, and even though they all knew about her they’re still drawing some looks because Sid, damn. You can tell just by looking at them how gently smitten they are with each other. G’s obviously one of the first intros bc let’s be real, he hasn’t let it go since he found out and introducing Anna to anyone other than Flower or Tanger or Duper first would definitely earn a fine. They start chatting and there’s a bit of a nervous charge in the air but Geno is nice and says hi in Russian, and they find out they know a bunch of the same people in Moscow. All those weird woodwork mutual friends. And that takes them into a little chat about Moscow and their favourite places there that Sid can’t really contribute to.

Anna just looking back and forth between them and giving Sid searching looks and as they walk away like, “Your friend seems nice! Malkin’s a big name in Russia lately, I wasn’t sure what kind of man he’d be!”

Sid Thinking: Oh god they have so much chemistry Geno Thinking: ...Oh fuck I am SO INTO MY BEST FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND Anna Thinking: Everyone is so nice! And hot! Zhenya is so tall. Sid is so thicc these boys are #blessed

Anyway just imagine Geno watching Sid and Anna chatting and laughing together, making the rounds. Sid’s arm just super casually around Anna’s waist, both of them laughing with Cath and Tanger. He would be lowkey jealous of them both and confused about why seeing them together makes him feel like shit. He’d go home with images of them together running through his head, Sid thumbing her hip, the way they leaned their heads together when talking, the arch of their throats laughing, the look in their eyes when they looked at each other.

Just imagine all the events and nights out Anna and Geno find themselves chatting amiably in Russian at. Sometimes they get talking about Sid, one of the many things they have in common, about how they met and funny stories about him. Anna telling Geno one time "well, this is just good timing, I've established my career and I'm ready to get married and be a mom?" softly, while gazing fondly over at Sid and licking BBQ sauce off her thumb.

G is just DYING because Sid's got that plan to like not have kids until he retires but LIKE MAYBE SHE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND. BUT SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO, HE SHOULD JUST WANT IT. A woman this perfect longing to carry his children??? He should be so lucky!!

Geno would always slink home a little miserable and lonely and self-pitying - flicking through his phone’s contacts thinking to organize a hookup but being too depressed to even do that. He’d get a little petty and mad the way G gets, “Sid doesn't even really care about getting married, not lonely like me, not that desperate for another person, he'd be fine on his own! It's not fair!”  He can’t believe how jealous he is but also just can’t get over it.

(It’s easier too to think he’s just jealous of Sid because Anna is amazing, but sometimes after too many vodka shots he can acknowledge that he thinks about Sid with Anna as much as he thinks about Anna with Sid - in the way you can when you know you’re not going to remember the realisation in the morning)

He'd be so terrible about everything, so unreasonable and so jealous of them both, just in a mood for months. He’s not very good at hiding his own feelings for other people’s good. And Geno’s moods affect every part of his life. Sid would probably try numerous times to ask him what's up, maybe eventually would have to sit him down in both friend and captain capacity and be like, ”G are you mad at me? What’s been going on with you? Your penalty minutes are off the charts.”

He’d keep getting brutally shut down and their relationship has NEVER been off like this. They GREW UP TOGETHER, Sid knew Geno was all bluster usually, but when he sat him down solo he usually cracked open and let Sid scoop out and sort through all his tremendous emotions. But now being shut out like this was painful and threw him for a loop. And of course Anna hears all about it, witnessing all of Sid’s bewildered hurt and confusion.

Then eventually Anna would have ENOUGH and be like "fuck this guy for making you feel like shit and also this is wreaking havoc on both your seasons!!"

Sid: I maybe just fell a little bit more in love with you

So she secretly goes to yell at Geno in a language he'll understand. Anna rocking up to his house and being like "So #1 fuck you, #2 what is your PROBLEM?"

Geno: YOU ARE MY PROBLEM! Anna: you don't like me dating Sid? You think I'm not good enough for him? Geno: NO. THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM Anna: So you're jealous of him then? Geno: Also no Anna:  You're jealous of me then. Geno: NO Anna: SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM Geno: BOTH. BOTH OF THOSE THINGS.

He might break into big ridiculous angry tears about it, just months of his own bottled up feelings and emotions he hasn’t been able to vent to ANYONE exploding out. Anna just looking at him with wide eyes for a moment before ushering him further into his own home and setting about making some tea.

Is there some comforting arm patting and texting Sid under the table? Maybe. But mostly Geno realizes what’s happening and gets his shit together enough to shoo her out of his house after profuse apologies and promises to get it together and start acting like a professional. Hopefully it’ll give him some time to curl up and lick his wounds and try to actually get his shit together.

But you can’t exactly put that cat back in the bag, and Anna goes back to Sid, who is so earnest and concerned, sits in his impossibly broad lap and asks if he’s ever thought about fucking Geno. They would look at each other in stunned silence for a few beats too long as a flush slowly rises in his cheeks which gives her her answer.

Sid like “I...I thought about setting the two of you up when we first met. You reminded me of him so much, and I couldn’t have him…but I could have you.” Followed by a rush of reassurances that of course he wants her and she’s his priority that she shuts down with a kiss. They maybe sit there like that for a bit with their foreheads together, just thinking about it.

More than fucking then. A relationship. A great love.

She would probably mull it over for a few days, scrolling through Geno’s instagram where he’s displayed his tender beating heart for the entire world to see. He loves animals, and children and his family. He’s not bad looking at all, the sheer size of his hands make her press her thighs together deliciously. She probably consults his birth chart and considers if she could handle two competitive, headstrong Leos, let alone one who is paired with a Tiger’s stubborn ego. She’d think about all the ways it could work, all the things they like about each other, and also about all the ways it could get fucked up and ruin everything. These things are complicated.

In the end she decides it’s not up to her, it’s up to them. So she bullies them into a sit-down with each other, locking them in the yard with enough food and beer to last the afternoon but promising she would only let them in when they’d worked out their problems and feelings and had come to a mutual decision about how to move forward. Neither of them had even known that the other had any feelings or interest like that; there’s a lot to talk about. And when they’re ready, they knock on the patio door so she can come talk too.

Of course the only real option is to move forward is as a triad, and Geno is not nearly noble and self-sacrificing enough to suffer through his own miserable lonely pining future for the sake of preserving a loved one’s relationship like some Canadians we know. So they agree this can work and move forward, and Anna immensely enjoys the addition that Geno makes to the relationship, spoiling them both with the kind of romance that didn’t come naturally to her or Sid, insisting on dinners out and sunny vacation spots. Also he has impeccable taste in lingerie and she enjoys taking him shopping to surprise and fluster Sid with later. Geno gets both of them, and to push his way in the middle on the couch and be annoying during quiet couch reading sessions, and to argue in favour of puppies and babies, and to smirk at Sid when he walks in on Anna’s legs around Geno on the kitchen counter. And Sid, he just gets everything he’s ever wanted pretty much.

IT’S A WIN ALL AROUND. OT3.

[proud-bisexual-steve-rogers]

Meeting Chris x2 and Seb

This is a long post but it has some good stuff if you’re a big Chris Evans and/or Sebastian Stan fan. Also, some good Stucky/Evanstan stuff going on. ;) 

HERE GOES!!!

May 24th: Meeting Chris the first time.

So, I’m going to do my best to compile this info and all the pics and videos. It might be useful for other fans and there are some cute Seb and Chris videos and pics here, so why not?

So, on Saturday the 24th, a friend and I decided to go down to the stage door and hopefully see Chris. We are seeing the play soon, but we knew our best chances to see him would be to wait on a different night. We got there pretty early and were the first in line. After waiting for a while, the anticipation really started to build. 

We were lucky enough that he did come out and sign that night. He signed my little action figure’s shield.

 He is definitely a pro at signing fast, and you can tell he’s a bit nervous by all the people. But he really does seem to care and want to give back, but you can tell by his body language he is a bit anxious, which is totally understandable. He looked like such a cutie and was very nice. Said “you’re welcome” when I said thank you and looked me in the eye briefly which was wonderful. All I could manage to say was thank you over and over, tbh. 

 He waved goodbye to us briefly as he got into his car. Overall, it was a really sweet and lovely experience, and he really does look adorable in person even with the mustache! He’s real cute, y’all.

Here are a couple links to the videos I took of him that night:

https://twitter.com/adamantaflame/status/977740021833879552

https://twitter.com/adamantaflame/status/977752107687309313

March 26th: Meeting Chris again and meeting Seb.

So, we were pretty happy with our Chris encounter. We know he’s really busy and such a big star that even getting a small moment like that with him is really amazing. We are going to see Seb at Wizard World in Philly, so we weren’t too concerned about more meetings or anything, but....then....

I saw on Twitter that Sebastian had been to the little red carpet for the official opening night of “Lobby Hero.” I texted my friend like, “OMG seb is going to see Chris tonight!” So, she was all, “are we gonna go?” and like, duh, of course we were. 

Let me just preface this by saying we were already pretty hyped after that Marvel poster with Bucky and Steve which had been released this same day. This one:

Anyway, it just seemed like there was a buzz in the air. So, I met up with her at the stage door again. We debated about which door Sebastian would come out of and made friends with the stage hands who were like, “well, we don’t really know,” but they were nice about it which was sweet of them. Think they thought we were a bit odd but also you know, harmless and nice. The one guy did say that he saw Sebastian earlier taking photos with fans and that he was just a really nice guy. 

We met a couple other women there who were also there to see Seb. They had met him before and said he was amazing. We ended up splitting up, so my friend and one of the other women went to the audience doors and the other two of us stayed at the stage door.

This is when things get wild.

Like two minutes later the audience starts spilling out the doors. I am looking over at my friend cause I just had a feeling, and she starts yelling at me. I literally book it over there, and there is Sebastian.

Now, let me just say I know he is beautiful, but wow he was even more beautiful in person. I don’t understand how? But he is very tall (which I didn’t expect) I felt he towered over us. He smells sooooo good. Like it just emanates from him. It’s impossible not to notice. As you can see from the video a different fan posted with the guy yelling at him about it. haha.

I honestly was pretty starstruck by him, but he is also just very nice and like patient with fans. Lots of people were trying to get his attention, and he always looks a little lost (awww he’s so cute). But, if you could get his attention, he will pretty much do what you want. So, I went over and asked if I could hug him, gave him a sidearm hug, and took some selfies with him. He is pretty accommodating about pictures, like he leans down and smiles a bit, and you can tell he wants you to get a picture. 

My pics with Seb:

My friend looked blurry in the pics, so she ran back to him and was all, “my picture was blurry can I have another.” So, he said yes, and I took this lovely video. The one of him steadying my friend’s hand to help ensure her picture didn’t turn up blurry again.

Here’s the twitter link to her post about it: 

https://twitter.com/Moondancer1626/status/978448098568654848

A gif of him steadying her hand:

https://twitter.com/TheSebNews/status/978615571611865088

And a gif of him looking at me taking the video haha:

The link to that gif if it doesn’t load:

https://twitter.com/adamantaflame/status/978725219874598913

He walked off into the distance after that. He didn’t even get into his own car or anything which shocked us. He is very sweet and stopped with pretty much everyone who got his attention about a picture. He mutters a lot of “all right, all right, okay, okay, thank you, you’re welcome.” With the cutest, softest, muttering voice. 

Here is that video with him telling everyone to go back and see Chris:

https://twitter.com/chrisevuhns/status/978450071816720384

Now, Chris again:

So, apparently, not a lot of people listened to Seb about going to meet Chris, silly people. But, this worked in our favor.

There were only two teenagers who had been there with us earlier and their parents waiting at the stage door at this point. So, we figured it would be a great chance to meet Chris again in a more chill setting, so, of course, we were gonna stay. We all decided that we would ask him for a group photo since the crowd was so small. I think maybe only 5-8 other people end up there waiting for him. So, these teens parents were all there to take a picture if he agreed.

Honestly, I’m shocked more people didn’t wait. But, I think most of the audience was like VIP people and celebrities who didn’t care much about meeting Chris per se.

The stage manager guy told us to get our cameras ready, and Chris came out. He seemed much more comfortable and just seemed overall happy. He just had an adorable energy and seemed happy we were there, and it was just really sweet. The girl we didn’t know asked if he would take a group photo with us, and he was all “there aren’t many people here so sure!” Awww. 

Here is the video I took of him:

https://twitter.com/adamantaflame/status/978466557327265792

He let us take multiple pictures before walking away. The best part for me is I ended up leaning back a bit to fit in the pictures and he lightly grabbed onto his elbow and he did the same to me, and just wow, I will remember that forever! haha

I feel like Chris is a hard one to get a picture with because he doesn’t love the big crowds and tends to not do pictures when there are a lot of people like that. So, I feel very, very happy!!! He is honestly adorable and the biggest nerd and so sweet in all the best ways.

Here are the pics:

So, yeah, we were just so freaking giddy and happy and loving life at this point!!!! I moved to NYC a week ago, and I can’t believe this all happened, tbh. 

Then, we saw this picture get released:

And we were freaking out! because we finally got a new Seb/Chris picture! And, we were there that night and saw them both. so, we were feeling like we got to see this iconic Stucky/Evanstan moment play out a bit, and that was exciting for our shipper hearts. Definitely just a big awwwww moment that Seb went to see Chris’ play on the official opening night, and we got to see them both! <3

So, that’s how it all went down! They are lovely people, adorable, cute, beautiful, and kind. Looking forward to seeing Sebastian again at Wizard World and being able to meet him in a more chill setting. I didn’t think it possible, but I LOVE THESE BBS EVEN MORE NOW!!! <3 <3 

[pbandjesse]

I’m on my greyhound back to Baltimore. We left like a half hour late but it’s been smooth sailing since then. I’m a little sun burnt and tired but I feel happy. Last night after I got my post up the party continued. I talked to Jess’s co-worker and had more cake. I was getting tired and anxious around 11 but we were waiting on a few people and I thought I told Jess how I was feeling but apparently I didn’t communicate it well. But I held it together. Enjoyed talking to friends. I tried a sip of everything Jess got. A floaral vodka lemonade. Bad. A grape fruit burboun cocktail. Just tasted like grapefruit. And a tiny tiny bite of a lemon drop jello shot. Just tasted like an old lemon. The other friends came though and it was good to see them. Got to talk about ships and stuff. Around I think 1 Jess said we were going to try to find food. Okay. If we’re going to keep being out I have to eat something because I’m really losing steam. Except the place next door was closed. And we walked to another thing and it was closed. And I was getting frustrated. And while drunk Jess can be fun I was also really exhusted and hadn’t eaten anything but cake in like 12 hours. So I may have snipped at her. Because someone in the street told us where a 24 hour diner was but then our group was just standing there and I’m like. Are we doing this or not? And Jess was like it’s up to you. And I was like no. Its up to you. And then she said something snide and I got an attitude and everyone in the group was like. Okay everything fine. And tried to calm it down. Sorry guys. Jess ended up just calling a cab and we simmered for a couple minutes. But we talked. We were both trying to solve a problem. She thought I was hungry and upset because of that. I was actually upset because I didn’t know What was happening and was very tired and wanted to eat so we could keep being out and celebrating her. We talked it out and apologised and were fine by the time we went to sleep. Honestly I think 2 nights of going out is just to much for me. And like we were just out to long for me. And because I’m not in my own town I was trapped. I’ll try to make sure Jess knows what’s going on next time and she’ll check on me. Were all good. Still had a good night except for that hiccup. And I’m glad some people came to celebrate Jess. Showed really who her friends are. I was out pretty fast when we got back to the apartment. And I slept well and hard. We got up around 830. Dressed and got ready for the beach. I had my half a bagel from yesterday while she finished getting ready. We went to Starbucks and got drinks. Then to the subway. It takes about an hour to get to Coney island. Which was about what I expected. It was a nice ride out. I felt cute. Jess looked great. We had matching tote bags. Very good day. Also very hot! 100 degrees. Jeez. We got to the beach around 1130. Went to the most beautiful food place called kitchen 21. It was beautiful and fairly good priced. I got a veggie burger that was the best I’ve probably ever had? It’s a brand called impossible burger and I hope I can like. Buy it at whole foods soon. Amazing. And Jess got a sandwich that looked amazing. Would for sure to again. We left there and wandered down the boardwalk. It was hot but not terribly uncomfortable. We got a spot by the lifeguard but soon enough moved onto the other side of the stone jetty because the swiming was better there. No waves and very very clear water. The water was cold but comfortable. I found some beautiful shells and floated. It was great. I did some laps and me and Jess took pictures. She couldn’t go very deep because of the tattoo but it was still a blast. They made everyone come in between the jetties And they did a search of the water with like 20 lifeguards. No one really knows what happened but the way they were holding hands I think they thought a kid had drown or were at least looking for one. They eventually let us back in. Maybe Jess will figure out what happened and let me know. We were allowed back in the ocean and we stayed for like another half hour. I swam in laps and floated. It was beautiful and No one was near me again and I was just really happy. I miss it already. We went and got washed off. Changed. I remembered to put new sunscreen on everywhere except my chest and backs of my shoulders. So I got a little burnt. But it’s just a bit. Still annoyed about it but it probably won’t peel or anything. We walked down the boardwalk further to the aquarium. There was a huge huge line. But Jess quickly bought tickets on her phone and we got in within like 5 minutes. She’s amazing. The aquarium was crowded but we still saw a bunch of fish. I liked the stingrays and the seahorse best. We had to stay in a long line to get into the new shark exhibit but that was fine. It was worth it. Jess Dutch braided my hair for me while we were in line and that was very silly and cute. We somehow missed the roof top where you could pet things. But we can always do that next time. We headed out around 330 and it was very good timing. Jess had wanted a hotdog but we ended up at a different train stop somehow. Sorry Jess. We got the train and headed back tobehr place. We ended up talking to a very odd man who I think might have been like schizophrenic. He was still kind just said a lot of bizzare things. But We got back and chilled for a minute. I made sure my bag was packed all the way. Jess gave me a piece of cake. Which I ate on the bus when we first got on. Then I helped her pick out her outfits for her trip to Italy next week. In very excited for her. I hope it’s a stellar trip. And it was fun making outfits. We left and got pizza by the port authority. So I ate all the things I had wish listed when I got to NYC. Bagel, pizza, cake, sushi. And it was very good pizza. Jess found my bus gate and we sat on my scarf and talked until 630. I’m going to miss her. Hopefully she can come visit when she comes back at the end of the month. But regardless were going to ocean city in August. So it won’t be to long. My bus was late but not by much. I talked to people around me and it was nice. I let the old people on first even though I was boarding number 1. Cause I’m nice. I still got a great seat. My bus drivers not super nice but it’s fine. Its been a nice ride so far. I’m going to go back to listening to my podcast and close my eyes for a while. I am hoping to be home 11 or 1130. And I have work in the morning at ships. Then I’ll probably get groceries and clean my place up. Maybe James?? Unsure. I think he’s working ships tomorrow too so well see. He’s been in Philly since last night and gets back in the morning I think. So he’s got even less recovery time then I do. Poor lamb. I hope you all sleep well tonight. Be safe. Goodnight!

[thenewwei]

40 years ago I was born this evening at Flushing Hospital in New York City.

40 years later, not only am I glad to be alive, but I genuinely feel I’ve lived such a full and amazing life and am happy enough that even if I died today, I wouldn’t feel bad about it or regret much.

I didn’t always feel this way, but I do today.

I can’t remember my 10th birthday very well at all. But I do remember being a relatively happy 5th grader, having transitioned to my Flushing elementary school from Corona two years before. I can’t remember if bullies were still bothering me then, certainly there were jerks and turncoats here and there, but I had good friends, we went on some good overnight field trips in Long Island. Oregon Trail and Cops and Robbers were fun (end of 6th grade was especially awesome, if you count in Connect Four sessions) and it was still a couple of years until the horrors of JHS.

I can’t remember my 20th birthday either, but I definitely remember the circumstances. I was working in my uncle’s motel in NC cleaning dirty carpets. This was between my sophomore and junior years at Wesleyan, but I was slated to go abroad for a year at Oxford in late September.

It had been an eventful summer, at least for my young life. I had decided to turn down an internship at Wesleyan University Press for a month’s job at the circulation desk of Olin Library because I had already committed to it; probably a bad decision, but one that likely didn’t affect me much in the long term. During this time I continued to develop my relationship with a sweet and beautiful girl I had met that spring at school, my first girlfriend, who lived nearby in CT.

After that month, I came back home, took a job teaching kids at an “elite” tutor academy in Elmhurst, Queens, and was promptly fired a week later because I “couldn’t control the kids”—first and only time I’ve ever been fired from a job, and probably the first and only time I couldn’t control the kids—ha ha.

Anyway, my uncle offered me a job doing odd jobs at his motel, so I took the Amtrak down South and began working for him. Even though the work itself wasn’t too inspiring, I did meet plenty of interesting people this way, and experienced a completely different atmosphere from the North, and continued to write (I had already written a novella, novel and short story collection at this point—all bad, of course—and had won a couple of awards for high school and college kids).

My flight back—I decided to fly—was on the morning of 9/11/01. My uncle dropped me off at the airport. At the ticket counter, the woman processing my ticket told me a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center (assumably, accidentally). I laughed it off. I thought she was kidding.

When I went inside the gate, I saw the news on the TV, and realized she wasn’t kidding. I can’t remember if I saw the second plane hit live or not, but it became quickly clear this wasn’t an accident, and that I wasn’t going to make it home to NYC.

Somehow I got in touch with my uncle and he drove me back to the motel. I still remember sitting in my motel room, watching people jump out of the towers while my girlfriend, on the phone with me, told me not to watch. I took the train back a week later.

I didn’t sign up for the military, and I didn’t get drafted, since the govt decided not to institute Selective Service. As usual, I decided to follow through on the commitment I had made, for better or worse. I visited Wesleyan briefly and saw my girlfriend and friends for the last time before I went abroad on a flight where even the flight attendant was openly racist towards me.

My year at Oxford was one of the best years of my life. I had tutorials where I could read and learn what I wanted, I wrote over 50 stories and essays, I backpacked Europe extensively, including alone, and had a “trans-chunnel relationship” with my girlfriend, who was studying abroad in Paris during the latter half of the year.

I experienced some racism in Europe, most of which I’ve never written about or even talked about publicly, but compared to my experiences in gang and crime-filled NYC as a teen, it was like nothing, and on the whole, it was a good experience, even though as a person, I remember being neurotic, paranoid, depressed much of the time, and of course insecure. But I had formed great friendships, I had an on-and-off again—but mostly on—gf, and I was physically in the best shape of my life (until, possibly, now).

I do remember my 30th birthday. I was depressed and didn’t do anything special but I did have a lonely meal at a Japanese restaurant and remember complaining to an acquaintance online about my depression.

I honestly felt like a complete failure. Both my long-term romantic relationships with two great girls (sweet, beautiful, brilliant, in love with me and much else) had failed. I blamed myself and frankly, I wasn’t worthy of either of them. While I had earned two masters degrees and had a decent job (maybe not for an Indian-American or whatever, but still, not terrible), I hadn’t gotten anything but rejections for my writing. I hadn’t been published anywhere since college, I hadn’t won any awards, I had no agent, publisher, college teaching gig, or anything else, even as many of my Wesleyan classmates (Lin-Manuel Miranda, Jason Pinter, Paul Yoon, to name just a few) had already achieved publication, fame and much else. Since I pretty much judged myself solely on this standard, at least professionally, of course, I felt like a complete failure.

On the social front, I still had strong friendships, and was developing more. I still had a solid family core. I was traveling and making more friends. I was single, and I still lived at home.

Fast forward to today, and I feel completely different. I’ve published four books, albeit independently, but I’m proud of them, and I feel like each book is better than the last. I’ve gotten great reviews, they’ve hit the Amazon bestseller lists, I’ve done solid interviews, been on TV, I’m active on social media.

I’m still single after more than a decade, and I still live with my family, and I still don’t have an agent (ha ha) but so what? I still have great friends, in fact, I have more than ever. I’ve strengthened many of the friendships I had then, even at distances, and made many new ones. I’ve traveled much of the world. I have friends and acquaintances of every race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, national origin, citizenship and residency.

I live in the greatest city on Earth, where I can eat any type of ethnic cuisine at any time of the day, endlessly explore any type of culture and where I have access to pretty much anything and everything of God’s plenty including art, literature, film, scientific knowledge, and much else. I’m content with my decision not to move to Cali, at least for now. So far I’ve survived the pandemic. I’m in great shape, and I’m better than ever at basketball. I’m happy. What can I really complain about?

That said, I’m hardly done. I haven’t reached anywhere near the literary fame and stature that I’ve wanted for decades. Given the odds, I may never, but I have to keep on trying. I’ve recently won awards and grants, something that never happened to me a decade ago. My next book, Bad Americans, is progressing well.

Having been a pessimist for much of my life, I feel positive and optimistic. I think the next decade is looking up for me, or at least I hope it is. I plan to write and publish many more books, and progress my literary movement The New Wei. There are plenty of other projects in the pipeline too, of various disciplines. I’m planning another road trip across the US and other adventures. Even my dating life is better than it’s been in years. Who knows, maybe marriage and the baby in the baby carriage is on the horizon (yeah right, you wish mom, but hey, anything is possible, right?).

My 40th birthday summer has been amazing. I visited a couple of good friends near Philly. I took my recently retired parents on a fun trip to the South, where we hung out with some of our large and beloved extended family. My parents are happy. My sister, who I rarely ever talk about publicly, is happy. My good friend Bob got married and I was his proud Best Man. We had two karaoke bashes with some Bayside buds. I’m planning on having dinner with some of my closest friends tonight, weather depending. Other close friends I’ll see later. I’m taking a trip to Providence RI over Labor Day Weekend with even more. I’m planning a subway musical reading. Some of my cousins gave me ridiculously thoughtful gifts. I could go on and on.

Life at 40 is amazing. I think it will keep getting more amazing. And even if it doesn’t, so be it. It’s life. There will always be hurdles, and it has to end at some point, right?

[thisislizheather]

April Activities 2021

The major news of the month? I can’t believe I get to be fully vaccinated. It’s hard to describe how incredible it feels but I’m so ready to really start this next phase and I can’t wait for everyone I love to feel this feeling soon. Here’s what went down last month.

Here are my favourite tweets from last month. Also, I’ve decided to compile the best tweets list every two weeks rather than only once a month mostly because I love re-reading them and want that sort of joy in my life twice a month, not just once.

I did Nathan’s podcast and we talked about Rogers, sex robots & god only knows what else.

Two new nail polishes that I bought and love: English Lavender by butter and Cold Brew Crew by essie. Beautiful colours.

I’ve made this lamb ragu from Alison Roman twice so far, it’s so luxurious but somehow easy to make. I’ve put it on tagliatelle as well as zucchini noodles and both have been wonderful. Small tip: it does get better after it sits in the fridge for a bit, for some reason. (Also, the recipe doesn’t call for it, but I added basil at the end. I tend to add basil anytime something calls for parsley because it’s just so much more flavourful and fun.)

Above Photo: Alison Roman’s lamb ragu

I want to buy new underwear and I’m looking for any suggestions that aren’t Victoria’s Secret, Aerie or The Gap. I might just bite the bullet and try the ones from Blush (love love love the models they use).

I tried the strawberry short cake soft serve from Milk Bar and it was heavenly. The soft serve is even better than the strawberry cake (although the cookie crumbles within the cake always make my knees weak). In fact, I’ve yet to try a Milk Bar soft serve that I didn’t love (their vegan apple pie soft serve was out of this world), should I have been buying their pints this whole time? Yes.

I gave a chance to Ouai’s Air Dry Foam and it didn’t impress me or anyone else for that matter, so I guess I’ll just stick with the Wave Spray instead.

The rain boots that I bought a few years ago from Winners have disintegrated and I’m in search of new ones, but please don’t recommend Hunter ones. I hate Hunter. Open to any other suggestions!

Influenced by a TikTok video, I bought Falscara and holy shit. I know I promise this a lot, but I’m going to do a video on it so you can see how good a product it is. So many videos are coming, I vow.

There milk chocolate coconut almonds from CVS are UNHOLY.

I tried a sample of Glamglow’s Glowstarter moisturizer and was pleasantly surprised at how it really does give you a pleasant glow. What’s that about.

It’s uncivil how expensive body suit/swimwear hangers are. Who is this benefiting? I just want to hang my delicate bodysuits and carry on with my day.

Trader Joe’s has started selling their own vodka and I’m hoping they’ll start to sell it in New York soon. Seems weird that they don’t already.

I tried a small sample of Charlotte Tilbury’s Magic Elixir and discovered that the true magic behind the elixir is how she got anyone to believe that it does anything at all. Makeup products truly enrage me at times.

Nathan and I went to a movie theatre and it was everything I wanted it to be and more. We saw Godzilla vs. Kong and I found myself beaming through every inane scene. Perfect movie to see after a year of no theatres. Would I ever watch it again? Good lord no.

I bought a lotion bar from Gift Box on Broadway in Astoria and I love it. I think I’d use it more if it were slightly smaller and more manageable, but I love it nonetheless.

I tried Rao’s spaghetti and it was incredible, so now I’m forced to seek out their other types of pasta. Such a quality pasta.

I ate at The Pineapple Club and the basil fried rice and frozen pina coladas were both outrageously good.

I bought this bag from Zara and I’m honestly nervous to even wear it out for some weird reason. Like, am I the person who would have a bag like this? Do I want to be that person? Am I feeling this way because of having nowhere to go for so long? Have I always been this fearful? Some of these questions I shouldn’t answer, I realize.

Just bought these shoes in tan and I think I have my life all figured out now. Now if I can just leave the house wearing said shoes and holding said bag.

Speaking of shoes, I truly can’t decide if I love or loathe these slippers.

Last shoe thing: head over HEELS (not sorry) in love with these feet hugging sandals. Should’ve bought four more pairs.

I made these chocolate banana muffins and they were great but the real standout is the recipe at the bottom for the salted honey butter. Christ, you should make that butter.

I perused Molly Baz’s new cookbook and it’s a big one. Some standout recipes: The Big Italian salad, a dilly horseradish cream sauce for shrimp, and of course her caesar salad recipe.

I never thought I’d be the type of person to buy fake plants, but this one is so lifelike and pretty that I had to get it. Plus it’s perfect for the top of a bookshelf.

Above Photo: Fake plant from Target

It’s ramp season and I couldn’t be happier about it, you’ll hear more about my ramp creations next month.

I watched This is a Robbery on Netflix and don’t waste your time. Yes, it’s an interesting story, but save yourself a few hours and go read this instead.

I’m watching The Nanny and loving it. I’ve only ever watched a few episodes growing up, and I thought I would hate it because of how much everyone makes fun of Fran’s voice but her voice is fine! It’s wild that anyone ever said it was annoying. Also, the theme song is catchy as hell.

I rewatched Speed and it’s, of course, still great. What can’t Keanu do.

I watched the 90s movie The Crush and it’s really weird that movies like that would never have a chance being made today.

I’m all caught up on Riverdale now and… it’s hard to remember when it was really good. Maybe it was all Skeet Ulrich? Was that the main draw in my mind? I can see that making sense. In any case, it’s taken a turn.

There’s something so inviting about having good washroom rugs, I just got these soft-as-hell Threshold ones and I’ll never buy another brand again.

I visited the midtown Ideal Cheese Shop (been meaning to forever) and it’s such a great spot for NYC delicacies as well as, obviously, cheese. They had pre-packed bacon from Peter Luger and salmon from Daniel Boulud.

Things are already changing fast with new restrictions loosing in NYC, but did you know you can rent out a bar for an hour?

I tried the breakfast Beyond Meat sausage patties and surprise, surprise, they’re great. There’s nothing this company can do wrong. I’m becoming suspicious.

I got drinks and some small bites at Bar Dalia in Astoria and what a sweet little place! Would go again.

I finally got my hands on the kitchen-scented mini candles from Trader Joe’s (the scents are lemongrass, tomato leaf, fresh mint). They fill me with joy, unfortunately. I also got their grapefruit scented body butter, which goes on very smoothly but I’ve noticed it has a scent that’s slightly off-putting over time. I will not dwell on that fact further.

Had no idea that Banza made a pizza crust but I tried it and it’s wonderful.

I love seeing what promotional giveaways are planned for the upcoming baseball season but since we’re technically still in a pandemic, the Mets are only releasing what the promotions are each month (makes sense). So I’ve bookmarked the page to go look at on the first of each month.

I don’t eat a ton of fast food, but I’m sorry, some of these are genius ideas.

I’ll regret it if I don’t buy a box of these, right?

I know that it’s common to read an article about something and feel “that’s me!” but this one really resonates with me: “There’s a Name for the Blah You’re Feeling: It’s Called Languishing.”

The best brand at Target: A New Day.

Love and fully agree with all of this woman’s questions about things that don’t make sense.

I was walking past a Home Depot in Queens and the smell of the sandwiches at Rocco’s was heavenly. I had just eaten, otherwise I would have leaped into line. Must remember to get a Philly cheese steak here next time. The Yelp reviews are calling me.

I bought this earring organizer from The Container Store and it’s perfect. Fully recommend. I also finally got a purse organizer and some shoe boxes that make me feel like I might be a successful woman in her prime.

Above Photo: Earring Stand from The Container Store

Above Photo: Left: purse storage holder, Right: shoe storage boxes, Not Shown: me, opening & closing my closet door ten times to bask in my new found organizational skills

I had no idea Zara had a home section. I wish I didn’t have this knowledge, but now that I do, you must too. Literally ALL of these glasses are gorgeous. Tempted to go smash each glass in my kitchen cupboard right this instant.

This Artist Faked Being a Billionaire to Photograph New York City's Best Views - such a great idea, such great photos. How was it not me who came up with this?

Some more spring recipes I’m dying to make:

Ramp & Ricotta Tart

Grilled Asparagus Caesar Salad

Lemon Poppy Seed Cake

Scallop Risotto with Lemon & Sweet Peas

Grilled Caprese Skewers with Halloumi and Sourdough

Some things that I’m looking forward to this month: the new/final season of Shrill comes out this week (!), I might be going to a Mets game (!!), dying to eat at Under The Volcano, really want to visit the new Dippin' Dots store, I’ve been craving a good club sandwich for months so I might try to get brunch at Mark’s Off Madison, I know it might be early but I can’t wait to go tan on Governors Island soon, and at some point I’d really love to take one of these pasta cooking classes.

Above Photo: The club sandwich at Mark’s Off Madison, photo courtesy of Front of House

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in March over here.

[stephhannes]

steph’s seltzer showdown 3.0

by now, we all know that i am passionate about seltzer- and i’ve written two blogs reviewing all of the sparkling water i’ve tried. but i realized that the real hot topic is spiked seltzer. 

don’t worry, i’ve definitely got opinions on these. 

when i get tipsy, i send very detailed emails to seltzer companies with extensive reviews on their products, and when i’m sober i go off on rants to my friends when recommending (or talking shit about) a seltzer. here are my definitive thoughts on the seltzers i’ve tried so far:

the journey starts in 2018- i’d just moved to philly and learned what a beer distributor is, my partner and i got into the habit of Having A Drink After Work Every Night, and found ourselves frequenting the warehouse by our apartment. he loved beer, and i’ve never been a fan. so for the very first time, i picked up some spiked seltzers. i’ve always been a vodka soda girl, so it seemed right up my alley. 

speaking of spiked seltzer, the first brand i ever tried was just called Spiked Seltzer (now rebranded as Bon & Viv)

and i was very okay with it. until i tried a different brand- Truly. the difference was astonishing and i recognized two things: i loved spiked seltzer and i absolutely hated Spiked Seltzer. at the time, Truly had better flavor options, but more importantly, it had a cleaner taste, and was lacking the weird sweetness that SS had, with its 4g of sugar in comparison to Truly’s 1g. 

this is how i recognized my rubric for critiquing hard seltzers. 

is it too sweet?

how drinkable is it?

what are the flavor options like, and how consistent are they?

and for fun, what is its ideal drinking scenario?

it wasn’t until a year later that i tried White Claw. she’s like the la croix of spiked seltzers. she is a fan favorite, easily accessible, very mediocre flavor- neither disappointing nor exciting. 2g of sugar is just under the threshold to not be too weirdly sweet. white claws are incredibly drinkable, the flavors are just muted enough to not be overwhelming when drinking a lot consecutively. she’s a go girl, appropriate for any occasion. however, personally, i’d always opt for a truly instead if i’m looking for an easy-to-find standard go-to. but i’ll never turn down a white claw if it’s offered to me. 

the best flavor is easily back cherry, the worst is obviously watermelon. but overall, the quality of the flavors don’t really vary too much, which is expected for such a generic range of flavor profiles. 

then we have what i think might be my all-time favorite brand, Wild Basin. when i moved back to austin, i saw these EVERYWHERE and when i realized how dope their flavor combinations were, i picked up a variety pack. there’s the classic lime flavor, which is nothing to write home about necessarily, but out of every brand’s lime offering, theirs is definitely the best. however, the cucumber peach and melon basil flavors are absolutely STUNNING. this was the first time i’d seen a brand experimenting with combinations in such an exciting way. truly had started offering some more unique options by this point, but they weren’t as great as wild basin. she has everything i look for, 0g of sugar, unique but still versatile flavors, and as a side note, great customer service. as i mentioned earlier, i love to send companies my review, and i sent wild basin my glowing thoughts on their seltzer, and they were quick to respond and send me some merch for being a fan. they sent a few stickers, a fanny pack, a tank top, and a cap which was a super nice thing of them to do. they’re the only brand that’s responded to my fan mail. 

when she’s around, wild basin is my go-to. the gold standard for seltzers. 

they’ve recently released some new flavors which i have not tried yet, but i’m very much looking forward to. 

then i revisited Spiked Seltzer, they eventually rebranded themselves as Bon & Viv and i was hesitant for a very long time to try the new recipe out, because of how much i absolutely abhorred the original recipe. (side note: i think they’ve actually rebranded again as just Bon Viv but i digress) i didn’t want to waste my money on getting an entire variety pack, so i waited until the day i came across a single one i could buy- and i tried the pear elderflower flavor. i love elderflower, and i love pear so i was actually excited about this combo. 

i was surprised that i didn’t hate it. however, i have never thought about or drank another product from them since trying that one flavor. it was a very disappointing experience. the new recipe has less sugar, which i appreciate- and it just tastes better generally. the original was almost intolerable to drink if the seltzer wasn’t ice cold, this one i finished slowly- but still finished.

then the big beer names started pushing out seltzers. i’ve actually only tried the Natty Light seltzer in the catalina lime mixer flavor, and i’ll be honest with you- i didn’t hate it. i definitely would not categorize it as a hard seltzer though. in my tipsy review that i sent to natty light, i specified that it tastes like “a natty light, but for women,” and i stand by that. it would make a good Drink for Floating The River or a nice Drink To Watch Sports With, but i will never pick one up again. 

i haven’t tried the bud light seltzer yet, but i’m sure i’ll have the same feelings. 

i love to support local businesses, so obviously i tried the Eastciders seltzer when it came out in the black cherry flavor. it had everything i look for, not sugary, a good non-chemically flavor. i’ve picked it up a couple of times since trying it, but it’s not one i ever actively seek out. she’s nice to pair with dinner, as an enjoyable seltzer with an unobtrusive but decent flavor. the other flavors they offer are on the exact same level as the black cherry- unobtrusive but decent. 

finally, most recently, i’ve tried Blue Norther, also a local brand, but more disappointing than eastciders. while i would definitely re-purchase eastciders, i can’t say the same for blue norther. they currently offer three flavors, agave lime, wild blackberry and prickly pear. agave lime smells like sunscreen, and tastes like an incredibly generic lime flavor. i’d rank it higher than white claw’s lime, but that’s not saying a lot considering how mediocre white claw’s lime is. i found myself taking an incredibly long time to drink it, which isn’t a good thing because the second it starts to get warm, it becomes almost undrinkable. i almost want to categorize it with the Beer Brands That Make Seltzers because it has the same vibe as natty light’s seltzer. it would make a great River Day drink, but that’s the only time i would choose to drink it. 

the blackberry flavor was also nothing to write home about. it smelled more like artificial blueberry and absolutely does not hold a candle to the wild basin blackberry flavor. the blackberry flavor doesn’t even have the redeeming quality of having a good River Day vibe- it’s just unremarkable. 

for next time:

i have a list of who’s up next: i’m looking to try the rest of the Beer Brand seltzers (corona, bud light, shiner), i’ve also been seeing a lot of advertisements for vizzy, so she’ll be coming up. in addition to continue trying the flavors that wild basin and bon viv have to offer. 

i’m putting this out into the universe: i would love to get my hands on polar seltzer’s hard seltzer. if you remember, polar’s regular seltzer is my one true love, the end-all-be-all to sparkling water in my heart. 

update: putting it out into the universe proved to be beneficial to me- i realized that the total wine by my work sells Arctic Chill so i’ve just picked it up…and she is…literally everything i’ve dreamed of. she is dangerous. she tastes exactly like my all time favorite seltzer, cranberry lime, except with alcohol. i’m scared to try the clementine flavor because i do think i’m going to have war flashbacks to my time in NYC when i would mix clementine with whipped cream flavored vodka (don’t ever buy 6 handles of Wave Vodka let me tell you) but now i am desperate to get my hands on the ginger lime flavor, to compare it to my second all-time favorite seltzer- polar’s ginger lime mule. 

so far, wild basin is definitely my top pick, but you can’t go wrong with arctic chill if it’s being made with polar seltzer.

[steamishot]

Last of 2019

Back at work and I’m the only one in my office this week. Highlights from the last two weeks:

Spent a good amount of time on the east coast. Vacations are much better when you aren’t as pressed for time. I think the last time I was in NYC, it wasn’t hard to say bye because I didn’t even physically/mentally settle in. When I had more time during this trip, I had more capacity to process and reflect about things. It felt like I was slowly building my life there, but had to return. I didn’t want to come back. Luckily, the weather was good the majority of the time I was there. It wasn’t unbearably cold, and it only rained my last night and day.

Matt and I learned more about how to cohabitate with each other on this trip. He’s gotten used to living alone, so he would make comments about my hair being everywhere, or wanting me to do things a certain way (i.e. not step in the bathroom with sandals on, not leave clothes on the chair, etc.). I said if he really wants to live with me, then he has to learn how to live with me and have some compromise. He told me, if/when I move to NYC, I’ll feel more free and have more freedom because I’ll be living “alone”. I said freedom from what? He said family obligations and the such. I think that I’ll be more individualistic but I won’t be “free” because I’ll have duties as his partner, which I think may be more constricting than what my parents expect of me LOL. As opposed to my parents who do their share of work at home, I most likely will pick up the household chores at home with Matt. I also won’t have my own space to retreat to, so I’m not sure how that will be.

During my time there, two “major” things happened- 1. I endangered his building and us by accidentally leaving the stove on for 8+ hours. 2. He realized he lost $500 in cash. The first thing happened on Christmas day. All his housemates were gone, so we were hanging out/eating breakfast in the living room/kitchen. I had just arrived back from my Washington DC/Pennsylvania trip the night before and we barely got to talk about it or hang out because he got back late as well. In the morning, we were bickering because I felt he was insensitive and annoying. I was probably too focused on being annoyed that I was careless with the knob. Instead of turning it off, I turned it completely to the opposite side of low, where the stove was still on but no flame was burning. We made up during breakfast and as we were walking up the stairs back to his room, he said “all the stoves are off?” as he glanced over to check. He was looking for flame and didn’t see any so thought we were good. I looked over too and was almost gonna go closer since I didn’t have my glasses on. I decided that it wasn’t important to double check myself lol and thought his judgment was good enough. We got ready and left the house for our Christmas fun. When we came back 8+ hours later, we smelled gas as we approached our door (on the 3rd floor of the building). Instinctively, Matt placed his hand on the door to check if it warm.  

Very fortunately, nothing was set off. The windows were all shut tight as well. He rushed in to turn off the stove and opened the windows. The smell of gas was so strong, I was afraid of breathing it in and cowardly went back outside LOL. In hindsight, Matt was very brave. We both went back outside and then decided to just go upstairs again and hang out in the balcony right outside of his room. He turned on the fan and the vent, and also charged his phone (which in hindsight might have not been the brightest ideas, since we’re supposed to not use anything electrical for fear that it would create a spark and start an explosion). We didn’t have a CO meter. The smell of natural gas went away about an hour later, but we didn’t want to risk sleeping in the apartment that night in case there were traces of CO or not enough oxygen ratio(?). I ended up getting us a hotel walkable to his workplace. He was stressed out because it was late already ~9pm when this happened, and he would have to be up at 6am. As we were about to leave the apartment in a rush, he realized that he had left his keys inside his room that we already locked. He was very heroic and was able to break in to his own room with a knife in a couple minutes. The last time that happened (one other time), it took him a few hours to break back in. It all worked out and the hotel we stayed at was very nice. They provided yoga mats, blocks, and resistance bands, and had delicious tea in the waiting room. Our series of fortunate and unfortunate events...

When we got to the hotel, we looked a bit strange as we were holding a few packing cubes, like we just threw some stuff together before arriving. The next morning, he left to work and I brought our stuff back to his place. Long story short, his cleaning lady was over at his place to clean. Tenants are supposed to leave their room open if they want the lady to go in and clean their room. He wanted his room cleaned, so I would have to leave it open, but he needed his valuables to be packed away. The cleaning lady was already there when I arrived, which made me feel a little safer knowing that the place is safe and not gas infested anymore lol. Per his instructions, I tidied up and locked up some valuables in the closet. He asked that I also lock up his cash (which he claimed was in his drawer). But I couldn’t find it and had to leave because I had a hang out planned with my new Japanese friends. So while I was out with my new friends, Matt was anxious at work about his cash. When we met up after he got off work that night, his OCD was on blast and he couldn’t stop thinking about his money being lost. The cleaning lady ended up not cleaning the room even though I left the door open, maybe because the door was shut when she first arrived? At first he accused the cleaning lady of stealing it, but he couldn’t remember where he last saw the money. We spent two nights and a day catering to his OCD and cleaning out his room to try to find the money. Til today, he still is ruminating about this and can’t figure it out. 

This series of events, place almost burning down -> losing $500 was very stressful for Matt. His parents and I keep telling him that $500 is not a big deal. For him, it’s not the amount of money that’s important, but he is bothered because he did something “careless” and can’t even remember where he went wrong.

Recap on my “solo” trip to Philly/DC. In socal, I’m familiar with the idea of Chinese tours as my parents have gone, and I have gone once as a kid with my mom and grandma. There’s a meeting spot, ideally with a parking lot. In NYC, I couldn’t really picture how that would work as the roads are crazy and parking is limited. I was kinda anxious about my trip, but once I got a text from my tour guide the day before, I felt safe that I had a contact. I seamlessly found my way to the meeting spot via subway in the morning. I saw one middle aged Chinese lady and a couple standing there. I asked them if it was for the tour. Funny enough, that couple would be my new friends later on in my trip. My tour group was 16 people total – a thai family of 6, a Filipino family of 4, a Chinese lady with her Chinese friend and son, the Japanese couple, and me. On the first day, I sat behind the thai lady and her ~7/8 year old daughter. They were bougie thai with fur jackets, prada bags and designer shoes etc. They reclined their seat so far that I was pretty uncomfortable and annoyed. The first day, we went to Princeton, Philly hop on/hop off tour, Lancaster/Amish tour, and then dinner. The coolest thing was getting to learn about and see the Amish. Everyone on our tour decided to eat at the buffet that night. We all sat in one section, and fortunately the Japanese girl asked if I wanted to join them. We ended up getting along well, and had some things in common: we’re all 27, they did and are doing long distance (dating 6 years, married 1 year), they’ve lived in LA for a few months, I’ve been to japan a couple of times, we all watch terrace house lol. I was happy that I had people to hang out with on the tour, as the other families kept to themselves.

The second day of the tour was awesome. I didn’t really have too much of an interest in DC before, but the town is beautiful. I want to go back to explore more. We got to see the white house, Lincoln memorial and US Capitol. I learned a lot at the US Capitol and really enjoyed our tour. As our white lady tour guide asked our group where everyone was from, she chuckled when everyone else named a country and I named a city – Los Angeles. She said in her 40 years of being a tour guide, she found that those who are from LA or Chicago tend to just say LA or Chicago, whereas other people would say their state. My argument is that more people know what Los Angeles is than what California is. And Chicago is definitely more well-known than “Illinois” haha.

Memories that we created:

He made me breakfast twice.

I built his Bunkie board. He had complained about his Casper mattress, and I found out he wasn’t using the correct platform to support his bed, and it was actually sinking in and causing backpain. 

We exchanged Christmas gifts. I made him a photobook. Due to some shipping issues, they actually shipped one to his address, and one to my address. So my Asian ass is happy I got two books for the price of one and didn’t have to pay anything extra for shipping. He really liked the gift. But the photo quality wasn’t the best. He got me an instax camera. I thought the color was ugly lol, because of course he bought the one that was on sale, but enjoyed using it during my trip. 

We checked out the Bryant village winter park, which was overly crowded and went to the rockerfeller tree.

I watched him hysterically laugh at ronny chieng’s Netflix special. It was especially funny because Ronny describes people like matt exactly- Chinese Americans who live in NYC, who rely heavily on online platforms (Amazon, uber eats, instacart, etc.), have tonal problems, and loves money. His skit about Chinese people and their relationship with money and being a doctor is hilarious. 

We went ice skating in a REAL winter outdoorsy area. He fell. I didn’t. 

We started this tradition of going to Murray’s cheese shop every time I’m in NY. They have wonderful cheeses and cured meats. 

We had a very Christmas-esque Christmas day. I got us tickets for the Christmas Spectacular with the Radio City Rockettes, which seems to be a very traditional holiday show. Their first performance was in 1933. They’re very visually pleasing and the show reminded us of the magical feeling of Christmas. In one scene, as they showed the biblical history, they brought out real sheep and a camel which was amazing haha. We then picked up vegan sushi and ate it at Central Park, where the lake was frozen. Then had a delicious hot pot dinner. 

Almost burned the house down. He called me careless, but I asked him to name something positive about the event. He said he enjoyed when I was screaming for his safety and kept reminding him to come outside to breathe fresh air. 

Lost $500 incident and worked through that lol

Marie Kondo’d his room. NYC is very generous with paper bags so he had stacks and stacks of grocery bags because he is a hoarder. We finally got rid of that. 

Brought him to eat at this amazing Cantonese café that serves crack hk milk tea. I found that place when I had the day to explore myself, and liked it so much I was willing to go again 2 days later. Happy to know there is a branch in SGV too. He also found the milk tea mindblowing. The prices are also incredible for NYC. We over ordered and overate, and the bill was still under $25/person. This restaurant is definitely LA prices. 

Went to iPic luxury theater using a gift card I received to watch star wars. We initially had planned on watching it at an AMC since he was able to get discounted tickets ~$18 for 2 which is a complete steal in that city. However, with my gift card, we would only have to pay $3. He ended up really liking the experience and called it the “first class” of movie going. 

Did some shopping/window shopping at uniqlo, Canada goose, and moma store at Soho. I only heard about the brand CG a few months ago when I saw a youtuber wear it. I looked it up and learned that it’s at least $500 to almost 1k per coat. I saw a few people in London wear it, but lots of people in NYC (especially the Asians) wear it for a status symbol. Matt, being the elitist that he is, was interested in it too and started pointing out everyone wearing one. So we went to check out the actual store to see what the hype was about. Not worth it for me. 

Ate delicious oysters. 3 rounds!! That vinegar and lemon combo tho. Tried oyster stout and it was good! Our seafood dinner was also delish. 

Made and ate cheese/meat/fruit platter while watching Long shot. 

Tried NY cheesecake for the first time!

Things I learned from my Japanese friends about Japan/Japanese people:

Everyone follows rules and regulations. People are afraid to go against this and say no. This may make life stressful and cause a higher suicide rate

People normally commit to the same job after graduation. It looks bad to job hop. The best way to earn more/be promoted more is to stay at the same company.

If you find money on the floor, you’re supposed to bring it to the police station where they will ask you a series of questions (where did you find this, what time, etc).

People use wallets/phones/valuables to save their spot

Japanese iphones/smart phones always have the shutter sound on their camera, even on silent, and even if you’re using earphones. This is because of their pervert problems. HOWEVER, she showed me a trick where you just take a video instead and can still be perverted lol.

My 2020 resolution is quite contingent upon how Matt’s life will unfold. I go back and forth between wanting him back in California, or wanting him to stay in NYC. I don’t care too much about professional growth, as long as I have a steady and high enough income. I need to figure out which program he will be going to next in order to plan out when I will quit my job and if I will move. After coming back from the east coast, I realize that I’m a little stunted being in the same city. I’ve lived in LA my whole life, went to school here, and am still here post-grad. I still do feel like a bird in the nest. After a while of exploring NYC, I felt like I ran out of places I want to visit. NYC is definitely more city life. For fun, people go out to bars, restaurants, clubs, museums, parks, and shopping. It’s crowded everywhere and hard to get away from people. I enjoy how LA provides a mixture. There are city like parts, but lots of suburban areas in between. I thought I was gonna walk a lot during my NYC trip, but I realize walking there feels so much more tiring than it does here because of how crowded it is. When I walk a mile here on campus, it feels refreshing because of the greenery and nice weather. It’s relaxing. Over there, you’re just packed like sardines and there’s a lot of foot traffic which makes walking difficult sometimes. It’s also dirtier and not as naturey. I don’t mind being on the east coast for a year or more. There’s so many places I haven’t been to and the plane ride to Europe is so short from there!

I tend to have this thought right when I come back, and then start settling in again and getting comfortable haha. So let’s see where 2020 takes us.

[bythebatphone]

ok no one ever sends me numbers when i reblog those ask posts but this one was good and i’m bored so i just answered them all anyways bc i love talking about concerts i’ve been to so!

How many concerts have you been to? i lost count a long time ago LMAO not to be douchey but yeah i have absolutely no idea

Have you been to any festivals? yes! coachella and FYF

Which artist/band have you seen the most live? arctic monkeys!!!!! (18 times + 6 times seeing TLSP if we wanna count that)

First concert you went to? i went to a lot of those american idol tour concerts when i was little and also a lot of jonas brothers shows but my first like Real GA Concert was vampire weekend in 2010

Last concert you went to? blossoms @ the casbah here in SD oh my god bye

What is your next concert? wolf alice at the echo in LA!!!

Which artists/bands would you love to see live? i’ve been really lucky and i’ve seen all my faves at least once so all the bands i would want to see are like......the ones who have broken up like the white stripes or pulp again at their own show if they ever reformed for real

The farthest you’ve traveled to go to a concert? LMAO i went to NYC for arctic monkeys’ show at madison square garden and then again to NYC and philly for TLSP 

Best opening act you’ve seen? oh shit!!!! arkells opening for blossoms was actually really really fun, smith westerns opening for AM in 2011 was awesome, beach house opened for VW in 2010 and i didn’t appreciate it at the time but ya that’s a fucking incredible lineup

Worst opening act you’ve seen? oh my god SO MANY arctic monkeys always have the absolute worst openers......the opening act at their glass house show was atrocious and their opener for their show at SDSU in 2014 was also awful

Have you met any bands/artists at a concert? EEP YE S UNFORTUNATELY

What’s one thing you have to bring to a concert? besides the obvious phone, wallet, etc i sometimes bring a disposable camera

What’s the most you’ve paid for a ticket? yikes......aside from festival passes i paid like $300 for a floor seat for 1D’s where we are tour omg worth it tho

Best concert you’ve been to? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH arctic monkeys at ventura is and always will be #1 but close runner ups are kasabian at coachella 2015, the maccabees at the troub, miike snow at pappy and harriets, royal blood at the glass house, jack white at the shrine

Worst concert you’ve been to? not to be controversial but both times i saw julian casablancas and the voids it was maybe the most traumatizing live music experience i’ve ever had

Have you been in a social media post an artist posted after a show? LMAO SPEAKING OF JULIAN cult records posted a pic of us at the barrier at coachella before his set

Funniest concert memory? too many......we accidentally stayed at the same hotel as the vaccines in SF.......we met the drummer from royal blood in the drive thru line at in n out after coachella......lana del rey sat in the row behind my brother and i at the jack white shrine show

Do you buy your tickets as soon as they go on sale, after, or the day of? as soon as they go on sale are u kidding

Have you ever been noticed by an artist at a concert? FUCK......also yes BYE most recently by charlie from blossoms which was cute i love him

Have you met any internet friends at a concert? yes omg!!!!!!!!!! so many but also i met all my current best friends at a concert so!!!!!

Which concert that you’ve been to has had the best stage setup/production? oh man.........either arcade fire or tame impala

Have you ever caught a guitar pick, drumstick, got a setlist, etc.? i have a lot of set lists which is usually what i go for but after blossoms in portland their guitar tech handed me a pick!!!!! which was cute

Favorite concert venue? THE TROUBADOUR........i also love the observatory SD, the theatre at the ace hotel in LA, and the doug fir lounge in portland

Least favorite concert venue? oh my god soma in SD is a shit hole

Which do you prefer: indoor or outdoor concerts? indoor usually depending on the venue

Which do you prefer: clubs, theaters, arenas, or stadiums? clubs oh my god

Have you ever missed school or work to go to a concert? more times than i can count LMAO

Have you ever been surprised with tickets from someone? nope

Who do you enjoy going to concerts with? my bffs!!!!! i also don’t mind going alone

General admission or seated concerts? GA

Have you been to multiple dates for one tour? yikes yes multiple times

Have you been to concerts 2 or more days in a row? LMAO ALSO YES MULTIPLE TIMES

Have you ever received free tickets from a contest or an artist’s crew? i won tix to see AM at a couple different radio sets 

Have you been front row and/or back row for a concert? yes both

Have you ever gotten sick, bruised, or broken a bone after a concert? i was bruised all over after AM at ventura and also every royal blood show i’ve been to 

Have you ever had surprise guests at a concert you attended? OMG YES the first one coming to mind is when josh homme came out for knee socks at AM’s last wiltern show

Did you start listening to an opening act after you saw them in concert? mini mansions maybe!!

What’s the latest you’ve got home from a concert? fuck i got home from the maccabees at like 4am i think

When is the earliest you’ve arrived to a venue for a concert? GOD i got to AM at ventura at like 6:30am

Have you seen your favorite artist in concert? yes :’)

Longest you’ve waited in line for a concert? again ventura i was in line for like 12-13 hours

Have you ever attended a concert alone? literally all the time LMAO

What’s the best part of a concert in your opinion? SO MUCH idk my favorite part is just like screaming along and dancing and jamming to the music that means so much to me as its being played in front of my face!!!!

Have you ever heard/seen an artist soundcheck before their show? omg yes i luv it

What’s the biggest venue you’ve been to a concert at? hmmmm staples center maybe? or the arena i saw 1D at probably actually

What’s the smallest venue you’ve been to a concert at? oh god maybe the casbah?

Have you ever had side stage seats? nope

Which venue have you been to the most concerts at? god probably the observatory OC

Do you post a lot about a concert you’ve attended on social media or very little? my entire social media presence is me posting about shows tbh

Has a concert or tour you were planning on going to got cancelled? i was supposed to see julian casablancas and that got cancelled which was fine honestly 

Have you seen a band in concert before a member left the band / they broke up? u...g...h....... yes the maccabees........also the vaccines before pete left

Favorite song you’ve heard live? oh no...........vlad the impaler by kasabian i think

Have you ever seen an artist/band play an album in full? NOOOO i want to 

Which artist would you refuse to see in concert? omg.....i really can’t think of any

What’s the craziest thing a fan has done at a concert you’ve been to?  i’ve seen stage crashers and stuff i guess???

Which venue(s) would you love to go to for a concert? i really wanna go to the berkley greek!!!

Have you ever been to a concert at a venue that no longer exists? ooh idk????

Have you ever lost something/got something stolen at a concert? no actually!!!

Have people made fun of you or laughed because of how you were acting at a concert? oh my god yeah BYE i don’t care tho 

Have you ever been kicked out of a concert? nope

Has an artist thrown or spit water on you? YES OH MY GOD HARRY.......................

Have you ever seen a security guard dance to a song at a concert? no omg

Have you seen any acts you don’t like at a concert? omg yes bye

Have you ever passed out or thrown up at a concert? nope

Have you seen any artists in concerts that you don’t like anymore? OMG ALSO YES BYE 

[thoughtsonthoughts123]

September

It’s the beginning of September 2018 and almost my one year anniversary here in Philly. I just moved out of my 1st house, and found a nice place down south. Some of the people in my original cohort are graduating soon, and I can’t help but try to imagine what it would feel like if I had to leave Philly this month. I try, but it’s very hard to conceptulize. I feel somewhat relieved that I have more time here. At the time, it was hard for me to be positive. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, because I started expecting, rather than hoping. I am slowly, reminding myself to not expect anything after every exam. I just need to do my best and hopefully I won’t feel that way again.

Some of my friends often check up on me and ask how I’m doing. I tell them that I’m having a good time, I wonder when I started feeling that way. I remember the 1st time I came back home, I told my friends it felt like I went to war. Because things happened the way they did, I was able to experience summer in Philly. Here’s a list of things I was able to do this Summer:

Hiking near Carlisle, PA

Donated Blood for the 1st time

Roda’s wedding

Shelly’s 25th Birthday

Daddy’s 60th Birthday

Chena’s graduation

Got to make Angels graduation lei

Volunteer at CHOP

Tried Korean corn dogs, egg museum NYC

Boston

Wildwood Boardwalk and Capemay beach

Washington DC BBQ

Watched outdoor movie at Schmit commons

90s dancing

July 4th with Jenny

Helped Jenny move into NYC, DL dancing

Took Angel to NYC, Niagara Falls, Washington DC, and Philly

Tried Terakawa, Bok Bar, and Sampan

Lantern Fest for 1st time

Korean Spa for 1st time

Stuck my 1st IV line

Be able to experience living in South Philly

In conclusion! I’m thankful that my experience turned out this way. I made it a goal to find things to appreciate about Philly in January, and I can definitely say I was able to. I don’t think I would’ve had as much fun without meeting my friend from Bumble though. She’s from PA ! And anyone who knows her would say that she’s very kind. She’s also a little mysterious just like a Scorpio! Only because I don’t think she completely expresses herself. My assumption is that she just doesn’t mind, and would hate to accidentally make anyone feel uncomfortable. She would much rather go out of her way, because if something happened, it’d bug her to know that she could’ve done something to prevent it,but didn’t. That and because of bad past experiences? But then again, she tells me that I can’t read her. so I’m probably completely off.

I feel very lucky to have met such a good friend in Philly. I wasn’t expecting close friends, especially after my 1st quarter. But they always say the best things happen when you stop expecting! I see her as someone who I want in my life for awhile, despite distance. She means a lot to me and I hope only the best for her because she really deserves it. Sometimes I wonder if I’m bothering her because we hang out too much. I want to make sure she spends time with herself, pollo, family, and other friends too. If you’re reading this, I don’t think there’s anything I could do to show you how much I appreciate you for being my friend when I felt lonely.

I’m lucky to have found Shelly in elementary school, Amy in middle school, Joanne throughout college, Sarah in San Francisco, and Jen in Philly! :) Sounds like I need another ear piercing!