#but rn my only focus is to go to bed. i have a massive headache.

[solplease]

IM FINALLY DONE.

[jaymes-ip]

Process Journal 9/27

This will be much more of a free write than the other one because I’ve been struggling. Not with the actual work, I have so many ideas and things I want to be doing and I really just want to be able to get to work but I find myself exhausted and out of time. For the last couple of weeks I’ve found myself working working working but not getting enough done. The work in my classes is getting done, but not efficiently and I’m so damn tired.  I’m definitely not getting enough sleep, and that’s just been getting worse. It’s a shame too because like I said, I have a ton of ideas and I want to be working but this is the class that least requires the fewest immediate results which means I put it on the backburner. Which inevitably won’t work because it’s also (arguably, ceramics is up there) the most process based class; the class I need to be working the most consistently on. And again, I want to be working! There is so much going on in my life and in my classes that relates to this class and I want to be doing that work! This is the exact kind of work I want to be doing in fact. I’ve been looking forward to this project for a long time, I want to be working on a project for a long time so I can work out all the kinks. As much as I’ve loved STAMPs, I’ve found myself with a lot of interesting concept pieces, but not a lot of work that’s finished to my standards. Over the summer, when I’m able to work at my own pace and focus on a single piece for several days without distraction I do really solid, finished work (though I often put off work and mess around during the summer, but that’s a different story).

Now, I think I’ve diagnosed the problem, or at least part of it: my schedule is super messed up right now. My boyfriend gets out of work at 12:30AM which should be fine, I don’t go to bed that early ever and I don’t think I ever will, however, I have started going to bed at increasingly insane times. I have class at 8:30AM most mornings and I go to bed at 3, 4, 5, and on rare occasions, 6 in the morning. Why? This does not benefit me in any way; I don’t spend more time with Kory because I’m exhausted and stressed by that late, I don’t sleep well and I end up sleeping in the middle of the day while he’s at work which forces me to work far after he gets done/on his weekend (the middle of my week), I don’t get more work done because I don’t work well past about 12:30AM. This isn’t helped by his weekend being Tuesday-Thursday, Thursday being the only day we both have off together.

I believe I have found a solution to this problem. For a while, I was considering a million insane schedules to try and remedy this, not limited to committing to polyphasic sleeping (as I currently sleep ~4hrs a night and ~4 in the middle of the day randomly). Needless to say that is a terrible idea and it wouldn’t work and is clearly not working currently. My actual solution consists of limiting the amount I work and when I work along with allowing for more breaks and more time at home. I love my studio, it’s great for working but I need to be home if for no other reason than to take my dog out and to do dishes etc. but mostly just to be around Kory even if we’re not doing anything together.

Ignore how fucked up this schedule is and focus on the more important aspects of it: getting more sleep, taking more breaks, having more time at home, knowing when I’ll be working. I have a massive bad habit of overworking. I don’t think most teachers like to hear that and I’d guess that a lot of them wouldn’t believe me about it but I have chronic headaches due to overworking, I don’t sleep or have any free time due to work, I spend 95% of my time thinking about my work, I give myself a scant few breaks. I’m sure you can tell by what a healthy schedule for me looks like (see above).

This has already made me a lot more excited about this semester and this class. I feel a lot more in control now; I know when I should be doing things and when to be done. Instead of stressing myself out all the time, I have this part covered so I just have to plan what I’ll be doing in my time blocks instead of when I’ll be doing stuff. Having more breaks will also help me get more work done. Having real, enjoyable social time helps me so much with getting my work done and letting myself have fun helps me keep my focus instead of fucking off on social media for two straight hours.

This plan will likely have problems. One I can already see happening is the pressure of having to do something at a certain time. Sometimes this can make me not start until that time, ie. I have class at 4 and something due at the start of class and it’s 2:25 rn, I will stress about it and put it off until 3:49. I have this problem regardless though so having time blocks will be good, then I only have to focus on what I’m doing like I said earlier. 

Alright I’m going to sign off for now, I have a lot more to write about my process and I’m excited to do that and to share some games with Muriel, she seemed really interested in journaling based single-person TTRPGs when I mentioned them. I’m extremely excited about my work going forward and to talk on Wednesday but for tonight it’s 12:30 AM and that means I need to be done for the night!