#but rn im just so tired and numb and might not be around for a while

[maggins]

…

[mysteriouseggsbenedict]

nicholas benedict + 🥰😭🤚😊 is this too many. listen. i just need him to comforted desperately esp considering what im doing to him rn

IT'S NEVER TOO MANY well i can see some situations where it would but these went together very easily

cuddles after a nightmare + hand carding through hair + a shoulder to cry on + gentle reassurances

Nicholas awoke with a soft cry, images of darkness and death and loss still clinging to his thoughts. He thrashed around a little, not fully awake, until he came back to reality and realized it had been a dream. He was safe. He was at home. He was…still very frightened. Shaking. Swallowing gulps of terror that wouldn’t let go.

His eyes, as tired as ever, tried to close again, but every time they did he heard phantom screams. His skin prickled, and the corners of the room felt much more menacing than they did in the daytime. Despite his blankets, he felt cold. Alone. So terribly alone.

But, Nicholas was nothing if not a friend of nightmares, so he knew what to do. Up out of bed and towards the kitchen. What were the memories of— of unspeakable things— in comparison to a nice cup of tea? He forced himself to go numb, to push down the fear still making him feel close to tears, and to pull himself together and make his way down the hall. He bumped into Milligan. Literally.

“Umph,” said Milligan, absorbing the impact of a fully out-of-it Nicholas walking directly into him. Nicholas was startled out of the aching fear that had been eating at him, biting away at his brain while he walked. He stood still for a moment, looking at Milligan. Milligan was here. Milligan was standing in the hall with him.

“Milligan?” he asked, softly, almost disbelieving.

“Yes?” came the answer, an eyebrow arching up in concern.

“Milligan,” Nicholas said again, like he thought he might lose the ability. And then, quite without his permission, tears began to spill from his eyes. He felt them, hot and burning, as they trickled down his cheeks and blurred his already fuzzy vision. He tried to turn away, to hide it, but Milligan was too quick. He grabbed Nicholas’s hand softly and pulled him closer.

“Nightmare?” he asked. He was familiar enough to know. Nicholas nodded jerkily, shaking with the force of his tears. Milligan’s hand around his, squeezing softly…Milligan was here. Safe. It had been a dream. It had been a dream.

“Mmm, yes, just a dream,” Milligan murmured, and it was then that he realized he’d been speaking out loud. Milligan pulled him closer, into a full-on hug, right there in the hallway.

Nicholas rested his head gratefully on Milligan’s shoulder. He was being held close. He was tucked away, safe and secure in those big, steady arms, and he felt a hand carding softly through his hair. The feeling sent waves of tension flooding out of his body: a great release prompted by the bliss of fingers dragging through curls and massaging his scalp and even, incredibly, soft lips pressing against the crown of his head. He cried into Milligan’s shoulder as he whispered reassurances. He was safe, he was here, he was doing so well, sweetheart.

It was too much. He fell asleep

———

The next time Nicholas awoke, there were no cries, no darkness or death or loss. His skin didn’t prickle, and he didn’t feel cold. Instead he was curled up close to Milligan’s chest. His face was buried right against his heart. It was steady, slow, safe— the beating of his heart, the soft inhales and exhales, his chest moving up and down with each breath. Nicholas smelled his scent and felt his warmth and immediately relaxed.

Yes, he was safe, and so was Milligan.

[yourl0cal1ncorporealb3ing]

TW VENT AT SOME PARTS

(ALSO NONE OF THIS PROOF READ SO IT MAY NOT BE LEGIABLE I just wroet this and i already forgot half the stuff i wrote)

y'know the mix of horrid chronic fatigue and insatiable numbness and the dissociation just makes me feel like I missing out on life, I yearn to go outside, to go play, to have fun, just run around but I cant. I sit in my room on tumblr or youtube wasting the day away wishing I did something more productive. I feel like a husk of person I feel like Im in a movie theater alone watching the most boring movie ive ever seen, I feel lonely while also being too socially drained to watch and respond the the video my friend sent me. Not to mention when my parents used to fight, my moms road rage/anger issues, it caused me to fucking terrifed of conflict so sometimes I minimize my needs when around other people and constantly asking about things and if im doing it right but also worrying if im annoying them with all my questions because my grandma has gotton mad at me for that before i think either that or it was me asking why she loved my cousin more than me because she yelled and fought with my dad because i wouldnt give my cousin my fukcing chicken nuggets my dad bought for me like fuck you i mean im sorry grandma

The anxiety and hyperactivity of my ADHD spikes up at night so either i got to sleep and wake up in 13 hours or I can stay up till 4am, go to sleep and wake 13 hours (Just feeling a lot worse). Im literally shaking as I write this and i can tell if im just so fucking restless even if im fucking tired (its 3:38am) or anxiety or the entire kiwi strawberry monster I just drank Its ok im drinking water a lot of it i just need to get my thoughts out of my head because its like a thousond of the dvd bouncing tv screen in my head rn idk if its getting better idk if im gonna post this too maybe idk any ways im shaking oh btw i might have non-diabetic hypoglycemia and i have to get a bunch shots next week and I really hate the doctors it always makes me really scared and uncomfy n shit and idk why damn im shaking a lot. I almost freaked out bc i cant find my charger and my tablet almost died but i have another one ive been using so i just used that but i want to know where my charger went :(

istg ive been eating fucking pasta for the lat 3 weeks and i hate it i hate it i hate it HATE it every. fucking. meal. I cant. I have comfort foods I like and its mostly carby food like pasta so i eat pasta alot but since our oven stopped workin its all i know i can make that easy and i laike it but i secretly dread it so i have been eating a lot of candy to keep my brain happy but im not i should be happy ive been hanging with my frinds and its summr break but im just numb, i always am, yk the year I just finished? yeah for the majority of the i was fighting autopilot mode and disassociation but i was constantly in it i dont think i cant handle going to high school this year i think i might act pass out from exhaustion I barely survived middle school Im not okay i need something meds? idk I should not be this messed up i mean my family is great (yk...apart from the fighting which isnt that common anymore and moms anger issues) but theu love me so whats the problem? school school why is it so unoccomidating to neurodivergents same with ppl with social anxiety like i have had MULTIPLE bad panic attcks in class cause i had to do smthin in front of the class I fukcing hate the school system fuckfukcufkyoiuu school fuck the emercian school system FUCKYOUUUUUUUUU

Im too conflict avoident I cant

the afternoon feels so tiring in a stuffy way if that maks and sense i need to treat my FUCKING adhd already i can have music playing at all times thats not a good long term strategy to shut up my brain i mean ffuck i have music on rn and you can see my insane ramblings

anyyways I kinda think im a daave fiction kin (like DSAF) but im 90% sure im just and otherlinker and I just want to feel speacial or some shit but whos know i have the worst imposter syndrome known to man (I have almost every symptom of Cfs and my friend has asked if i have it but nahhh i defs dont) but also i had a weird experience once. I was like listen (its getting hard to type with the shakiness :0) ing to 2 dave and henry playlists and i kept listening to the henry one and I was in the car and i was falling and out of sleep when i saw like flash of dave but it didnt look like cannon dave he looked different he was mush more blue and he was leaning against a wall with messy longish hair and he had a hat and scars all over him and he had a purple buttoned shit that was fulled buttoned up and the perspective i saw was like a photo someone had taken and he seemed just chilling perhaps talking to jack? idfk but yeah theres my weird experience like the best way i can explain this feeling towards dave is "Idkk if i was you but probably mightve at some point like most likely at some point"

i hope i sound legiable (if i do post this AND someone actually reads this all) it is 4:08am and I feel too many things once i probably will sleep at 5 or 6 anyways byebye

[harakiri666]

Thursday,August,31,2023

I had slept a little bit but not a lot and for some reason I'm still tired but I can't go back to sleep. On top of that, I feel really numb and my body hurts a lot and I feel hungry as well. Right now I'm currently at my boyfriend's house. He is asleep of course because he has work today. He usually gets up at 6 so like in an hour or so. I had a bad dream last night. But it doesn't matter because it was just a dream. Not going to lie I really feel like listening to music rn but I don't know if I even should. I need water, food, icy hot, and a heating pad... which are all at my house. Well I'll be there like at 7 something so. Not going to lie I might be asleep the entire Day even when my boyfriend is supposed to pick me up to bring me back here. I really don't feel well at all to even be going back and forth. It sucks that I am feeling like this. It's more physical than anything to be honest. Right now I am cold. And I am really tired and hungry and in pain. I have spina bifida and I was born with it of course and since I'm getting older it's affecting me a lot. The doctors always don't do anything though. All they suggest is plastic surgery but that it might make the pain worse. Which I'm not willing to risk that to be honest. And I have a fear of going into surgery and not making it out. Which with the way my health has been i really don't think I would. I want to be comfortable right now but I'm not. And that sucks really bad. Whatever I am going to have to suck it up anyways because my bf wants me to come back here to his place and he wants me to stay until Sunday but Saturday he wants me to go camping with him and his friends. Which I feel like shit. All I really wanted was to stay home and for him to be around me and comfort me there....but sometimes i feel like it's always what he wants and needs and how he feels. It's been that way for awhile. Like yesterday he was supposed to come to my house eat dinner and be there for me and comfort me but he took me to his place instead. I understand he likes to be home and like he's very introverted but still... I go put of my way to travel 20 min just do to the smallest things that go a long way just so that he is okay or whatever. When im around him he's always playing his computer games or watching videos instead of like asking me if I wanna join or doing something with me. Like im here to spend time with him not be left to the side and just be there and not do or say anything. Sometimes I feel like he's doing shit on purpose to make me feel bad for him. Everyone knows how he is with me and how he is in general and everyone and I mean everyone keeps telling me to break up with him. But i don't know what's stopping me. Like something is stopping me and I've been trying to figure that out. Anyways, I'm sorry for always having the negative shiz but I really need to let shit out and this is the only way I feel like I can. Anyways, I hope things get better soon.... I want to be okay and feel okay as well. And I hope you all have a great day. Make sure to stay hydrated and rested and safe. If you ever need anything just text me. I got u.

Love always, D xoxo♡

[blueseakelp]

crumbling under pressure, yet again

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Hajime Chapter #7 English Translation

My translation of the 7th Ginsei no Shou chapter for Saito... It’s probably because that this is my favourite chapter from the game and one that I found especially enjoyable to read (and had more of an understanding of it before getting translations for this lol) that I somehow translated this in record time when compared to all the other things I’ve worked on.... 

Unlike Kazama’s final Tsukikage chapter, the dialogue for this wasn’t all separated line by line in the CN TLs I found for the Saito chapters [NAMELY BECAUSE I WROTE EACH DAMN FUCKING WORD OUT FOR THAT CHAPTER], so some of the text in this remains lumped together. Also, huzzah for google translate providing the translations of place names since I wouldn’t have been able to translate the Japanese words that had been left in the original tl for this otherwise. I don’t usually make adjustments based on the original JP text until I start editing for the video... which will be done later.

All images used in this post were screencaps of game footage I recorded through vlc... also is it just me who feels that my English comes across as a lot more archaic when I stick to the original tl sentence structure...? lol. Anyway, as always, my translation may not be 100% accurate since I do not translate from Japanese.

PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR ANOTHER GINSEI NO SHOU SAITO CHAPTER... one that I do not intend to translate right away... well I also include it in a note about what chapter it refers too. lol. it’s right below the cut.

Enjoy~! OR ELSE! MWHAHAHA!!

(jk, lol. plus, i’m too lazy to think of anything. oh and im currently working on the subtitle positioning for this now as the file got transferred recently since i finished the first round of timing [i need to do this multiple times to get the fade in/out of my subtitles to match the timing of game text’s fade/in... or to at least have them as close as possible] before having all of these tech problems.)

--------------------

Forward Notes

Based on what I remember from tokio-fujita’s notes (sorry but I didn’t check since im kinda busy rn, and the internet on my laptop is kinda unstable as I’m still transferring files... 17.3 gb remains from the dramas transfer) on Saito’s position in the Shinsengumi after leading them to Aizu, I’ve left his position as taichou in this translation due to how the only English translation for that is ‘captain’ which doesn’t show a difference in roles from when he was the Third Division captain ‘kaichou/kumicho’ [note to self: include this along with the link to the page in the post description later. also i will probably just change this to ‘captain’ anyway when i do my subtitle video].

Chapter 6 and 7 occur in Aizu

Hakuoki Shinkai: Ginsei no Shou - Saito Hajime Chapter #7

Translation by KumoriYami

7th month, 4th year of Keiou, after the Shinsengumi left for Sendai——

The Aizu, who had offended the Satcho were engulfed in the bitter flames of war.

When Shirakawa Castle was attacked, it would be a lie to say that I wasn't worried then.

Hijikata-san, Heisuke-kun, Shimada-san, and Souma-kun.

It was no longer possible to fight alongside the people who we deeply trusted since the beginning.

However……

I still have Saito-san.

Saito-san also me, although/even if/despite how I can't fight alongside him.

We relied upon one another, setting out for Shirakawa——

Shirakawa Castle, which had become the headquarters for my father's rasetsu—— we confronted him and Kazama Chikage there.

As Kazama-san had the overwhelming strength of an oni, if the fight was drawn out, Saito-san would have no chance of winning.

But, we still had....

Comrades we could rely on.

Even if [they] leave. Even if [they/they've] choose/chosen different paths.

As long as they maintained/followed their own bushido, everyone was still heading in the same direction.

I believe that as long as we moved forward, one day, our paths will surely cross again, and we will fight to the very end.

If only/I wish that everyone could see each other one more time, I could only pray that everyone would be safe……

Saito-san once again returned to the battlefield.

4th year of Keiou, 8th month

The Aizu Shinsengumi under the command of the Aizu, fought at the Bonari Pass——

After that, they fought bravely to stop the New Government army from entering Aizu Castle.

By the ninth month however, there were not many members left of the Aizu Shinsengumi, yet they still set out to defend/protect Nyoraido [refers to chapter 6] .

This is the story of what happened while I was waiting for Saito-san after he left. 

Fourth year of Keiou, Ninth month

Fourth year of Keiou, Ninth month

Saito-san and the other members of the troop left camp to protect Nyoraido.

Following his instructions/In accordance with his wishes, I accompanied the men who were seriously injured in battle to the rear of the formation.

Yukimura: Please wait a bit longer, I will treat you immediately.

Soldier:……At the most crucial moment, to be unable to help Saito-taichou, I'm terribly sorry.

Yukimura: ……There was no way you could, you are wounded after all.

Soldier: The taicho, is he really okay?

Perhaps it was because his wounds were too painful, that the soldier continued to weakly repeat himself.

Yukimura: Saito-san will be fine. He will surely come back alive.

In order to reassure the soldier, I spoke decisively/resolutely.

Yukimura: That's why, you need to focus on recovering right now.

Soldier:......Okay, I will.

Three days later.

The soldiers who had stayed in Nyoraido, none of them had come back yet.

The news from the front lines had also been cut off.

All that we knew was was the hopeless information brought back by the wounded.

There weren't enough bandages and medicines, and the wounded kept pouring in.

The soldier's and my worries became more intense.

It was at this time——

Aizu soldier: This is terrible/Bad news! Apparently Nyoraido has been completely surrounded by the enemy! The Shinsengumi in Nyoraido might have completely wiped out.

Yukimura:……!

The moment I heard such a dreadful announcement/news, it felt like the blood had been drained from my entire body. [news/information might be changed for ^^^ sentences. might use intelligence, communication]

A commotion spread throughout the entire formation [camp sounds more appropriate].

Soldier: Yukimura-san……

The wounded soldier looked at me with an anxious expression.

Previously, the instant I heard such news, I probably would have broken down into tears.

But, now——

Yukimura:……When such fierce fighting is going on, all sorts of rumours will be flying around we can't assume that everything is accurate before receiving an official confirmation.

Hearing what I said, the soldier seemed to calm down.

Soldier:……That's right. Before figuring things out, we'll still believe in/continue to trust the Taichou, and wait until he returns.

Even if Nyoraido has been surrounded by the enemy, the Shinsengumi may not necessarily be completely wiped out.

Shinsengumi——they, along with Saito-san, I don't know how many times they had escaped from death.

More importantly, Saito-san cannot die yet.

——flashback——

Saito: Yukimura, I wish to make you a promise.

Yukimura: A promise for me......? What is it?" Saito: No matter what happens in the future....... I will protect you with my life. This decision is not because of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata-san, or an order from the Aizu....... but of my own volition.

——end flashback——

At the time, he promised……

Even now, I can still clearly remember how we kissed after.

Saito-san, he made a promise to me.

He will come back to me.

I repeated those words in my heart over and over again, as if to convince myself......

But my heart was beating wildly, and cold sweat dripped from my forehead.

This wasn't able to eliminate my sense of unease.

Yukimura: …………

I truly wanted to rush over to Nyoraido, to immediately go to his side.

But, my duty right now, is to treat the wounded here.

So…… I could only trust/believe in him, and wait here.

After, I continued to focus on treating the wounded while waiting for Saito-san to return.

But, reports on the situation in Nyoraido, they never came again,

The sense of [them being] defeat[ed] became more intense, and the dreary mood gradually enveloped the entire formation [will probably use "camp"]. [The feeling that they had been defeated became more intense, and...]

Soldier 2: Yukimura-san, isn't it time for you to rest? You look very pale.

Yukimura: No, it isn't time to rest yet/it's not the time to rest.

Soldier 2:……Under these circumstances, if you collapse, once something happens, there won't be anyone to depend/rely on [for what you do]. Even if it's just a short nap…… please, for everyone's sake.

When faced with such a strong request, I couldn't refuse.

Yukimura: Okay. Then I'll go and nap/sleep for a bit.

I decided to go find a corner to go nap in .

Perhaps it was because I was so tired, but once I closed my eyes, I immediately fell asleep.

As I slept, I had a dream.

Yukimura Nn, nn......

I didn't know where I was in this dream, the surroundings were hazy as I looked around.

Where……is this?

Yukimura: Is this the Aizu's…… camp……?

……Right.

I was waiting for Saito-san to come back…… then……

My head felt numb and heavy as I looked around again……

Saito:……Yukimura.

Yukimura: Saito-san……!

The person I wanted to see suddenly appeared before me/Now that the one I wanted to see  suddenly appeared, I immediately got up.

Yukimura: You're back from fighting at Nyoraido! Where are the rest of the soldiers……

Saito:……In regards to this, I have something that I must tell you.

Yukimura: Eh……?

Hearing him say such ominous remarks, I couldn't help but feel confused.

Saito: Even now, you have always been at my side…… My gratitude towards you goes beyond words. If I didn't have you, I wouldn't have been able to continue fighting until now.

Yukimura: Thanks for what [reword later]……

Why was he suddenly saying such a thing?

Yukimura:……To speak of thanks, it's too much, I don't need it [It's too much for you to speak of thanking me/it's unnecessary for you to thank me]. Because, you and I……

We are no longer outsiders [/We can no longer be considered as outsiders/strangers...not sure what i’ll go with here] ——I just wanted to say that.

I don't know why, but I couldn't say anything.

The Saito-san before my eyes/right now, there was a subtle sadness to his expression, as if he was extremely sorry.

He…… wasn't like the one [man] I knew at all.

In this unnatural atmosphere, he spoke solemnly.

Saito: I……there is something I must tell you…… No matter what happens, no matter what you experience/encounter/face…… but now I [reword later]……

Yukimura:……!?

I was too late to ask him——

Saito-san's figure was already starting to fade away, then completely disappeared into the darkness of night.

Yukimura: Saito-san, don't go! What are saying to me——

I shouted out then/and lost consciousness.

When I opened my eyes again, my entire body was drenched in sweat.

Yukimura: Just now, that was a dream……

The foreboding feeling/premonition made my heart beat wildly.

Why was it at this time, that I dreamed of Saito-san?

Furthermore, in my dream, it seemed like he had something to tell me.

I had a bad hunch/felt a sense of foreboding, but there was nothing I could do.

Looking around everywhere, Saito-san and the others still hadn't come back.

Although/Even if I dreaded to think so……

Just now, it was just a bad dream, it shouldn't be a sign that something bad would happen.

Saito-san and the other soldiers, what happened to them?

……No, it couldn't be.

He promised me, he would surely come back.

But, if that wasn't the case?

……If I continued to wait here, would he really come back?

I……

Choices 

【Search for him】 【Believe in him and wait】 <-

Although I wanted to immediately rush to Saito-san's side……

I still remembered what he said before.

——flashback——

Saito:......As time passes, things change. The world, ideals, and even the Shinsengumi. Even so, that does not mean that everything must change. As things change with time, so too will there be things that do not change. And I...... I believe in the things that do not change.

——end flashback——

……Saito-san had never gone against the promise he made me/never broke the promise he made me.

Regardless if it was when he left the Shinsengumi to join the Guardians of the Imperial Tomb, or when he was defeated at/during the Battle of Toba-Fushimi.

Also, there was when he ended up fighting Kazama-san.

In the end, he always came back to my side [me].

So, as he promised, he will certainly come back to me.

So, I too——

Yukimura:…………

An incredible feeling swelled in my chest.

It wasn't because of panic, rather it felt like the stars were whispering to me……

This feeling pushed me out of camp.

Outside of camp was a forest that always looked the same at night [reword later].

Although I didn't know if any of the soldiers would return, I thought……

I felt somewhat dejected, and couldn't help but look up towards the night sky.

It was full of stars, quietly twinkling.

Long before I was born, these stars, they must have been watching the world in silence/been silently watching the world.

No matter how many years passed, these silver stars would always shine in the night sky.

Yukimura: Me too……

Under the allure of the dim starlight, I couldn't help but say this/I was unable to restrain my emotions.

Yukimura: I also…… believe in the things that do not change.

Even if the path forward was covered in darkness, the light that pointed towards the future still shined.

Yukimura: I believe——no matter what happens in the future, you will not change.

Just as I muttered this to myself.

There was the sound of movement through foliage.

I froze, staring attentively in the direction of the sound.

After/Then……

???: Is.…… someone there?

The moment I heard that voice, I burst into tears [or: almost burst into tears]. 

Shortly after, a single silhouette flashed in the woods, and its figure gradually became clearer.

Saito: Chizuru…… is that you?

My beloved/The man/The one I loved was calling my name, I could no longer/was no longer able to control myself.

Yukimura: Saito-san…… Hajime-san!

I shouted his name, throwing myself at him.

Yukimura: You came back……! Hajime-san……!

I wanted to welcome him back with a smile.

I didn't want to be crying when we were reunited.

If I cried, that would make it harder to see Hajime-san’s face……

All sorts of thoughts that I had been repressing came bursting out of my heart.

Saito: Ah…… I'm back, Chizuru. Didn't I promise you that I would return? Why are you crying? Could it be, that you didn't believe me?

Hearing Hajime-san's question, I shook my head.

Yukimura: How could I not trust you. However, I was always worried…… [and] when I heard the bad rumours at camp, my heart felt like it was going to crack/split open. Also…… I had a dream, a dream where you went far, far away……

Saito:……I see.

As I cried, Hajime-san awkwardly embraced me.

His uniform, it was completely dirty……

Although his uniform was black, a single glance showed that there were bloodstains and bullet holes everywhere.

Just from seeing him like this, I could tell he had seen a fierce battle. [ or "it was as if I could see a fierce battle." check jp mtl]

A moment later, Hajime-san showed a bitter expression.

Saito: When [we were] surrounded by the New Government Army, I was prepared to be completely wiped out/defeated…… At this time, one of the seriously injured/wounded soldiers told me: we've all been injured [been completely beaten... or some other word that i think of later that implies helplessness] and can no longer be of use to fight. Leave us behind and get out of here with the rest of the troop members——

Yukimura:……!

The decision that had been before Hajime-san, the weight of it left me speechless.

Saito: The me from before, perhaps I would have accepted this proposal. But…… the me now, it was impossible [reword later]. Hijikata-san entrusted me with the leadership of the Shinsengumi. Additionally, I could not leave those who trusted me and stayed/chose to fight together with me when the Aizu were abandoned.

Yukimura:……Nn.

I looked straight into Hajime-san's eyes, and nodded approvingly/nodded in agreement.

Hearing about the changes in Hajime-san's heart, I felt delighted/happy, as if it was my own affair.

Saito: If I had accepted that soldier's proposal, I likely would have returned sooner…… Carefully leading the troops back, it took longer than I thought…… I'm sorry for making you worry about me.

After listening to Hajime-san's words, I shook my head.

Yukimura: I……that's not important/it doesn't matter.  As long as are you are like this, and as long as you come back to me…… that's enough.

Saito:…………Yes [alt I see/is that so. check audio].

Yukimura: What happened to the other troop members/soldiers?

Saito: Because they're moving while carrying the wounded, I think that it will probably be a while longer before they catch up. But they will certainly catch up.

Yukimura: So it's like that, that's good……

Just by/from feeling Hajime-san's temperature [warmth] and his breathing, I was already very happy.

As long as he was like this now, and alive [As long as he lived like this now]…… being at my side, it was enough.

From the way he was looking at me, I could clearly feel that he felt the same way I did.

Saito:……Even for myself, I find it/feel that it's incredible/unimaginable.

Yukimura:……?

I tilted my head, not understanding what he meant.

Saito: Previously, I thought, the ideal wish of a warrior/samurai [check audio] would be to die in battle. However, I now fight for the sake of my comrades, so as to survive [so that we survive/live. chck jp mtl].

Indeed, if it was the past Hajime-san, when faced between choosing life and death, he likely wouldn’t have hesitated.

But......

Yukimura: I.......love the you now....... and I love the you back then. No....... no matter however you are, I will always accept you.

Hajime-san's eyes narrowed in satisfaction.

Saito:……You once told me before. The answer, the one I painfully struggled to find, whatever it was, you would accept it.

Yukimura:……Nn.

Saito: The one who changed me, it was probably you, Chizuru.

Yukimura: Eh......?

Saito: At the most dire point/height of the fighting, I thought of your face…… and my determination to not die grew stronger. Furthermore, every time I thought of how you were doing everything to help the wounded at camp, I kept thinking that these soldiers must not die here.

Yukimura:…………

Carefully listening to my lover's voice, his words, made me feel infinitely happy. [Listening to my lover's voice, his words made me feel extremely happy.]

When Hajime-san was desperately fighting at Nyoraido, if I was able to provide him some courage……

Nothing could make me happier. 

After a short while, Hajime-san slightly tilted his head, almost as if he was urging something.

There was no need to ask what would happen next.

I closed my eyes, quietly responding to him.

After a pleasant wait, our lips were pressed together.

This kiss, it was very restrained, just like how he was.

My heart was beating loudly.

These thoughts became increasingly stronger in my heart, how I wish the two of us could stay in this forest at night forever. [check jp mtl. i’m probably going to go with something to the effect of: How I wish we could just stay forever in this moment, alone and encompassed by this forest at night.*this sentence is pissing me off lol.]

No matter what happens, I will never leave him again.

Saito:……From now on, I will never let you be this sad again. So, let me see you smile/your smile. In order to see your smile, no matter what happens, I will always return to you. [check jp mtl]

Before, I once asked him what he would do one day if he had to drink the Ochimizu for the Shinsengumi……

The answer that came from his lips without any hesitation, was to 【drink it】.

Yukimura:…………Nn. Hajime-san…… Hajime-san, as long as you stay by my side, I will always be happy.

He had asked me to smile, but i couldn't help but to continue crying...

As a result, I was smiling and crying in front of the person that i loved.

About half a month later, the 22nd of the 9th month——

The Aizu-han, which had been firmly resisting the New Government army, surrendered.

——End——

--------------

well, I probably could have made it easier for myself if I just copied the flashback text from SK/KW/EB... but I just couldn’t bring myself to look up the games to copy said text (had to uninstall them from my old pc for space to take stuff off my passport) since it’d really bother me knowing if I copied something than said it was my translation... which is why i didn’t. ah well. as a translator, the idea of taking credit on something that i didn’t translate really doesn’t sit well with me... but I still think that what I did for those parts came close to what I remember from the games...   

gotta say though: I really dislike the word 「隊士」. In both Chinese and Japanese... and that, as a translator,  i really don’t like how the Gregorian calendar names the months lol. it’s just so much easier to just leave the date as what it says based on the old Japanese calendar... with the era name and month number. let’s me not worry about doing research to ensure the accuracy of things (i require that all of my videos be precise when it comes to dates)... 

also, i wish it’d snow everyday for a week. id get motivated enough to finish a chapter with that.... tho it’d need to be a heavy snowfall so it’s very visible. lol. maintaining my motivation on one thing for a long period of time just doesn't come easy to me... especially when it’s something that has +4000 words in it.

[yoddream]

walk | l.dh

pairing: Haechan x fem!reader

warnings: car accident, blood, mentions of paralysis, angst, broken bones

summary: it all happened so fast

word count: 1,972 (ik it’s short im sorry i wanna try to think of a long story with him but im a little stuck rn)

a/n: hey y’all. i’m really sorry it’s short. there are all these ideas in my phone on what to write and this was one of them so i chose to use haechan. nobody’s sending any requests in, so i’m getting stuck with my work. i’m still working on my bad body jeno one but it’s a really long one so it’s gonna be a while. i will gladly take requests (as long as it’s not smut) so please send them in! gotta get the creative juices flowin n shit

It was easier to say what didn’t hurt rather than what did. Your legs didn’t hurt, but that was because you couldn’t feel them. It was terrifying, to keep it simple. You couldn’t even remember what had happened. You and Donghyuck were driving home from dinner with your friends. You kept your eyes on the road even though wanted to look at your best friend and admire him as he sang along to the songs that were floating from the speakers. His car was in the shop, so you were driving him home. There was a flash of lights—

Right. A car had swerved into your lane. You turned the wheel to avoid getting hit, but instead the car rolled a couple times before landing on the roof. That’s where you were now: upside down in the middle of the road. You didn’t know where the other car was, but you knew they weren’t as bad as you two.

“Y/N. Y/N!” Donghyuck shouted.

“I’m here, Hyuck,” you assured him. “I’m here.”

“Oh, thank god. I was worried you were passed out or—” He didn’t have to finish that sentence for you to understand what he had been thinking.

“Good thing I refused to leave until you buckled your seatbelt, huh?” you joked.

There was a rough chuckle. “Only you would find now is a good time to make jokes.”

You paused. “I’m scared, Hyuck.”

“I am too, but we’re gonna get out of this,” he promised you. “We’re gonna get out, we’re gonna walk away from this, and we’ll take that road trip you’ve been planning since the beginning of high school.”

“I can’t feel my legs.”

The car slowly lit up as emergency vehicles got closer. “Then I’ll wheel you away, but we’re getting out.”

“Hyuck, I’m tired.”

“No, no, no, do not close your eyes. Stay with me, Y/N. Please, stay with me,” he begged.

“I’ll try, but I really wanna sleep,” you stated.

“You’ll be able to sleep at the hospital but I need you to stay awake for me, doll. I know you can do it.”

You could hear him tell the EMTs to get you out first, but your eyes refused to stay opened. You mumbled an apology before completely losing consciousness. The last thing you remembered was the flash of yellow from a firefighter’s jacket.

///

Donghyuck wanted to see you so badly, but you were in surgery, and he had a broken arm that needed to be set before put in a cast. He knew absolutely nothing, and it was driving him insane. He and Renjun were your only emergency contacts, so the other boy was on his way to the hospital. You lost contact with your parents as soon as you had turned eighteen, tired of their disapproval with every decision you made, whether it was the friends you made or however you decided to change your hairstyle. Donghyuck and the rest of the guys were all you had.

You and Donghyuck had met in the third grade when you moved to the neighborhood. He’d immediately pulled you into his friend group consisting of Chenle, Jaemin, Jeno, Jisung, and Renjun. It was a wide variety of personalities, yet you somehow managed to get along with all of them. They felt there was no one else in the world that could cackle with Chenle one minute and have deep conversations with Renjun the next. No one could stand Jaemin’s affection as much as you, and no one could sit with Jeno for hours upon hours listening to music without speaking like you. You were the reason Jisung was able to break out of his shell and get a girlfriend, and you were the reason Donghyuck was a ray of sunshine.

“Hyuck!” He looked up and found Renjun’s head bobbing through the busy emergency room. “Hyuck, what happened? Where’s Y/N?”

“We were—we were in a car accident. It rolled. Renjun, I—” Donghyuck was at a loss for words.

“Do you know if she’s going to be okay?”

“There was so much blood. She lost so much. She’s in surgery right now, but I don’t know what they’re working on. She couldn’t feel her legs.”

Renjun’s eyes were shining with unshed tears, a rare sight. He nodded before taking his phone out, muttering something about calling the others. He was about to step away when a hand shot out and grabbed his arm. He looked up and frowned. There was fear written all over Donghyuck’s face; the boy didn’t want to be left alone at all.

The two of them sat on the bed as they waited for either the doctor or their friends to show up, whoever came first. Even though his arm was broken, Donghyuck felt numb. He just wanted to see you, to hold your hand, to hear your laugh again. He wanted all of that, but he couldn’t get it. He didn’t know if he ever would.

The guys ended up arriving at the same time the doctor needed to help Donghyuck with his arm. Renjun filled them in quickly before going to sit with him while his arm was set. He was silent through the whole thing, and the doctor seemed concerned by the lack of reaction.

“Did you feel that?” she asked.

Donghyuck shrugged. “Probably.”

“He’ll definitely feel it later,” Renjun assured her. “Right now, uh, our best friend is in surgery. We don’t know how it’ll turn out.”

She nodded in understanding. “Okay. Well, I’m going to write you a prescription for some pain medication. Take it every four hours if needed. There are no refills, so if you run out or feel you need something with less strength, take some ibuprofen.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Renjun said as he took the paper.

They headed back to the emergency room to sit with their friends as they waited for your surgeon to appear with whatever news she had. Renjun was pacing, never one to sit still. Jisung was asleep in Jeno’s lap, his whole body curled up. Chenle was playing a game on his phone to keep himself distracted, but he looked to Jisung to check on him every few minutes. Jaemin was a few feet away, trying to work the coffee vending machine. Donghyuck watched people filter in and out of the waiting room for hours until the sun rose. When he heard your name called, he stood up so quickly he almost fell over from the blood rush.

“How is she? Is she okay?” he asked as the others woke up and joined him.

“Everything went well. She lost a lot of blood, but we managed to stop it. We, unfortunately, don’t know when she’ll wake up. With all the injuries she sustained, it could range from a couple hours to a couple days,” the surgeon explained.

“What about her legs? Hyuck said she couldn’t feel them,” Renjun stated.

She paused. “One of the lumbar vertebrae was fractured in the accident, and it’s currently compressing onto her spinal cord. Right now, she’s in a brace to take some pressure of her spine, but we can’t perform any surgery until she’s well enough.”

“Can we see her?” Chenle asked.

“Unfortunately, only family can.”

“We are her family,” Donghyuck said.

“I understand that you’re worried, but unless you’re her actual family—”

He cut her off. “Damn it, she doesn’t have family! We’re all she has!”

A silence fell upon the whole room, and it took him a couple seconds to realize what he’d done. He started apologizing profusely, but she simply smiled and shook her head.

“Don’t worry, I get it. I’ll let the nurses know that you all are considered family.”

She gave them directions to your room. They didn’t hesitate to rush down the hallway, but not before yelling out their thanks. When they reached your room, it took them a moment to realize that they were looking at you. Your face was covered in bruises, and there were quite a few butterfly bandages on your cheeks and forehead. Your arms were wrapped in gauze, and your torso was in a giant brace. You were almost unrecognizable.

Donghyuck grabbed a chair and dragged it to your bedside. He reached out his good hand and grabbed your own, careful of the cuts that were on your skin. Jaemin grabbed the other chair, letting Jeno sit on the arm of it. The others stood at the end of the bed, seemingly scared to step closer.

“Jesus, Y/N. What the hell have you gotten yourself into?” Jeno mumbled.

The only response was the rise and fall of your chest.

///

It was a process trying to wake up. First, you felt the pain in your back. Next, you heard the heart monitor that you were strapped to. Then, you smelled the sterile air of the hospital. Finally, you opened your eyes, squinting against the sunlight. You looked around and spotted Jaemin and Chenle sitting by the window. Chenle looked over first, a wide smile stretching across his face.

“Hey, you’re awake!” he announced.

Jaemin’s head whipped around, his eyes wide with shock. He grinned as well and walked over. His hand reached up to push the hair from your face as he asked how you were feeling. You whined in discomfort, knowing he understood to an extent how much pain your back was in. As glad as you were to talk to them, there was somebody more important you needed to see.

“Where’s Hyuck?” you asked. When they didn’t answer right away, you started to panic. “Where is he?”

“I’m right here.”

You looked to the door and sighed with relief when your eyes landed on your best friend. His arm was in a cast and sling, and there were a few cuts and bruises on his face, but he was otherwise okay. He rushed forward and hugged you as gently as he could before pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“Told you we would make it out of there,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, sounds like I might walk away too,” you replied.

When he pulled away, there was a fond smile on his face. “Good, because you’re heavy.”

Gasping, you reached out to hit his good arm. He yelped and whined about how it wasn’t fair, but you rolled your eyes and called him a big baby. He turned to complain to Chenle and Jaemin, but to your surprise, they were gone.

“Huh. Wonder when they left,” you commented.

Sitting down, Donghyuck took your hand in his and squeezed lightly. “You really scared me, you know.”

You nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to get hit, so I turned the car so I would—”

“Wait, what?” His eyes widened in surprise at your words.

“When—when the car hit us. I turned the car so it would hit me,” you admitted.

He frowned, his eyes glistening with tears that you knew he would do his best to hold back. “Why would you do that?”

“Because I love you, dumbass.” After what you’d gone through, you didn’t want to hold it in anymore. “I love you so fucking much. If you died, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

“And you think I would’ve just lived my life like nothing?” he argued. “No, no way. I would be absolutely crushed. So don’t go talking like my heart wouldn’t be broken if I lost my other half.”

He kissed the back of your hand and added, “As soon as you’re out of here, I’m dating you so hard. I’m talking fancy dinners with candles and everything.”

You tried to fight back the smile that was threatening to spread across your face, but it couldn’t be stopped. “Good, because I don’t want anyone else to.”

[fuckinggreaserimagines]

Dallas x Reader

5:“Please just don’t leave me” 4: “how can I hate someone so much yet love them even more” 65: “because I love you god damnit”

Dally x Reader

I was running, my lungs burned, my legs ached. But I kept running, my face felt cold and my body went numb with the sharp wind nipping at my skin while tears slipped down my face. I saw Buck’s down the street; I didn’t slow down until I reached the door. Frantically I started knocking until a tall man with dark hair and a blank stare opened the door. “What do you want kid?” He snapped. I breathed in shakily “I need Dallas, Dally Winston? Is he here?” He paused and sighed, “listen kids like you shouldn’t be in a place like this, but you seem upset. he’s upstairs to the left just go straight up and don’t talk to nobody got it?” I nodded silently, wiping my tears. He opened the door fully and I slipped by. I climbed up the stairs maneuvering myself around the crowds of drunk people. I reached Dal’s door, knocking quietly I called out “Dal?” I said timidly. I heard a clutter, a groan, and a slur of crude words. Then Dallas swung open the door with no shirt and bedhead, squinting his eyes as he adjusted to the lights he looked at me. “(Y/N) what the fuck are ya doin here?” He said grabbing my arm pulling me in, he was about to shut his door and he peered down the hallway checking if anyone had followed. He shut the door when he found no one. He swiftly turned and looked at me clearly now, wind blown hair, red nose, flushed cheeks stained with tears, and swollen lips. He sighed pulling me to his bed, he sat me down. He walked to his leather jacket grabbing it and the cigarettes and lighter inside. He lit the cig and swung the jacket over my shoulders. “What’s up doll?” He muttered rubbing his eyes. I let out a shaky breath, my dad had been beatin on me again. “How can you hate someone so much yet love em even more?” I muttered as I looked down. I heard him sigh and smelt the smoke. He grabbed my shaky hand and laced his fingers in mine. I started crying harder. “Oh come on now.” He said uncomfortable, “what do you want me to do doll face? beat his face in?” I looked up and got a good look at his face which was laced with an expression I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “Please don’t leave me” I whispered, hugging him. He pulled me closer, stiffly might I add. He held me for a good while before I finally fell asleep in his embrace.

-time skip-

I opened my eyes and looked up in confusion at the unfamiliar ceiling. I sat for a second looking around before my eyes met dallas Winston’s soft expression as he slept. I suddenly remembered all that had transpired. I sighed and pushed myself into his body’s warmth. he pulled me closer in his sleep. I shut my eyes eyes enjoyed the silence for a few minutes before Dal awoke. I lifted my head, meeting his eyes, I whispered “hey.” His expression softened and so did his grip “hey, sleep well sleeping beauty?” he teased. I smiled “hey I woke up before you buttercup.” he snickered, we got up and ready in silence. I stopped and pondered something for a moment, “dally?” I muttered. He looked at me “yea?” he said raising an eyebrow. “Not that I don’t appreciate it but why’d you comfort me? Could’ve kicked me to the streets or told me to go home, but ya didn’t.” I said looking down, my shoelaces had become real interesting I guess. I heard a mutter and I sigh. I peeked up and saw his clenched fist and jaw and I got scared. Suddenly Dal swiftly turned to face the opposite way from me. “Because I love ya goddamnit now drop it. Let’s go to the curtis house.” He snapped. My heart skipped a beat and I smiled, standing up I nodded. “Ok Dal.” I said, I walked up behind him and grabbed his hand. he didn’t pull away, instead he gripped my hand tighter. Smiling softly we both walked hand in hand to the curtis gang.

END

this is shit and there’s probs a lot of errors and shit capitalization but im on melatonin rn and I’m so tired

[saintkimora]

well i finally found time to type this all up so! here is the story of how last last friday and saturday night went (not the ones from this weekend but the weekend before so like a week and a half ago). it isnt really a nice story but it is significant. first part is tristan then joel then tristan again, the tristan parts are good but the joel part is pretty bad. this is only part 1 btw! sorry @ that one anon a few days ago bc this might make you even more mad lmao

first part: tristan! so on friday i was in the library holding an online eboard meeting for gsa and tristan (the first guy i talked to for a while then hooked up with like 2 years ago and last christmas eve) was apparently studying in nexus which is the building next door to the library. and he sent me a snap (it was clearly the type you send to a lot of people it wasnt like an individual one) of him captioned i hate studying so i sent him one saying i hate planning events bc thats what i was doing. so we snapped back and forth for a while and then the library closed so i was leaving and he was like “come say hi to me in nexus” so i was like ok! 

so i went and sat across the table from him and we talked for like an hour and a half and it was so nice! hes v good to talk to but our conversation dynamic was kinda similar to me and joel’s dynamic so that was interesting. he called me my voice cute at the beginning bc i was like “sorry if i sound weird im a little congested today” and he was like “no you sound like you always do, its cute” so i was like hm so then we talked and caught up and it was very good conversation! then at one point after asking how i was in general he was like “so how are you doing....romantically” and i told him how i was with someone rn but i was kinda having some issues and he was like oh ok and i asked him and he said hes looking but its hard bc people keep ghosting him so i was like aw :/ (but on the inside i was like well thats what you get for ghosting me all those years ago lmao) 

also at one point i told him i go to the gym now so i have a little bit of muscle and he was like “yeah haha sure” and i was NOT about to take that so i was like “i can show you right now if you want” (i was wearing a tank and a zip up hoodie) so i took off one hoodie sleeve revealing my arm and i flexed and he was shook he was like “oh wow you werent kidding, thats actual progress” and i was like ha

after an hour and a half he had to go meet his friends or something so i went home. overall it was super nice! i loved talking to him so later that night i just sent him a nice text thanking him for spending time w me and saying how much i enjoyed it and then he thanked me for keeping him company and said he really enjoyed catching up so that was nice! then later that night things took a turn for the worst.....

so at this point it was friday night and joel and i were texting as usual, we were having a nice convo and were making jokes and what not. then after i asked about his day he texted me this “its fine but i just got another fucking email from slut A and im over it” and i was like “slut A......” and he was like “fucking tinamarie” (the girl who always causes trouble for his theatre club that gets him really pissed off even though it really isnt that serious) and i was like “yeah i figured but did you really need to call her that” and he was like “if youre literally gonna criticize every single word i say then im just gonna stop talking” so then i apologized like 3 times but he left me on read and didnt talk to me for the rest of the night

so! the second i read that final text i had like......a panic attack? or something? idk but it was a mess i got soooooooo cold instantly like i put on sweats socks a hoodie and 2 blankets and i was still trembling and my teeth were chattering so hard i couldnt even talk bc it just came out as gibberish and my toes were numb and my heart was beating fast and you know all that good stuff. i texted several hunties but none of them answered so i decided to text tristan! he was v nice and he comforted me and talked me through it which i appreciated. but like getting that text reminded me so much of the texts i would get from caleb so it just made all those feelings come rushing back and it was v overwhelming but i wasnt about to call joel about it bc he was already mad at me and i was scared i was gonna make it worse

about an hour later i sent him a long text saying how sorry i was bc he wanted to vent to me and i shut him down when i shouldve just taken his side and stuff bc i wanted to try to fix the situation. half of it was lies though like i was not sorry for what i did at all bc he should not be calling this tinamarie girl that! he didnt read that text until the next morning but even after he didnt respond. he was def still awake when i sent it though bc i saw him active on fb messenger slightly afterwards. anyways the next day tristan texted me again to check on me and see if i heard from joel which i hadnt by that point but i really appreciated that he went through the effort of doing that! joel and i had plans to go to the mall that day so i texted him around 4pm (this is saturday now) saying i hope his auditions went well and asking if he wouldve still liked to go to the mall w me. he said he wasnt feeling up for it bc hes tired and i was like not up for the mall or not up for me and he was like just the mall, you can come over instead. so i went over and brought him popeyes bc he was hungry and we hung out and watched dragula and talked and it was like a completely normal day so i was a little surprised he didnt bring up the events of last night. so like 3 eps into dragula s1 i asked him if he could pause it so we could talk so he did and this is where things got worse

so i was like “so....how are you feeling about what happened last night?” and he was like “well it was fucking annoying because i wanted to vent to you and you tried to school me, im already socially conscious, i know its wrong but it was the first thing that came to mind at the time” and i was like “well if you are mad at a woman and your first instinct is to call her that then that might be a problem” and he was like “can i be a fucking human?” like ???????????????? the STUPIDEST excuse like that makes no sense! you can be human without saying misogynistic things like.....annoying. he just had soooo many excuses he was like “oh its ok bc i would never actually say that to her face” like...ok great to know that being socially conscious is just a performative thing for you! if you only do it in public but are still problematic in private then like...whats the point

he was also like “it may seem like a small issue that isnt important to you but her emails are actually a huge problem. YOU wouldnt know since your organization isnt as involved, but her actions affect every area of the organization so its stressful to deal with her” like heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereeeee we go again idk why he always tries to drag my gsa for no reason. i didnt even say he couldnt be stressed or angry with her i just said he shouldnt call her what he did! 

so now for when it got personal. so i told him i was like “i know you were mad and wanted to cool off so i wasnt gonna force you to talk to me, but it wouldve been nice if you just sent me a text like ‘oh perry im mad and dont wanna talk rn, i need some space ill talk to you later’ instead of just ignoring me for the rest of the night” and he was like “well i didnt have time i had too much going on with the organization” and i was like “i mean it takes 10 seconds to send a text” and he was like “well i didnt want to” OH so now the truth comes out! and then he was like “i was already stressed out with the email so then its like ‘oh now i have to deal with perry too’” and like..............that was really hurtful bc literally the main reason i rarely ever bring up any issues i have to him is bc hes already so stressed with everything else and i want to be a source of happiness in his life not another source of stress so im afraid to bring things up bc i dont want to add to his stress and be another thing that he has to “deal with” so like, he literally vocalized the exact reason im afraid to talk to him about these things so its just confirmed my suspicions and now i feel even worse about bringing up any issues i have with him 

i didnt tell him about the panic attack yet but i did say “well i mean im sure you can tell i was upset, since i sent you a long ass apology text an hour after the convo ended. and if it was the other way around and i knew you were upset about something i said i wouldve dropped everything and called you right away to fix the issue” and he said.............. “well im not gonna prioritize you” like.... !!!!!!!!!!!!! ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great! we already knew i was at the bottom of his priority list but at least now he basically admitted it :/ i was just like well ok

that is the end of part 1 bc im splitting up this post lol

[chainedtothedarkness]

its 1:26am rn and i can feel the delirium sinking in, in my insomniac state that has been the new 1-5am usual these past weeks

atm i just feel.....a lot of pain

i feel so much emotional pain

and it makes my chest hurt a lot. its hard to breathe

its not like anything happened?? like, literally, ive just been here idling around for hours and only now within these hours have begun to feel very...lonely

is lonely the right word? i do feel very alone, and i feel somehow neglected

i seem to have a habit of caring about and wanting to talk to people who dont want to talk to me. and its. painful

it’s really painful.

that, and everyone who normally would talk to me all seem to be busy with their own health and irl things. i cant complain about that. i just dont know how to be okay with being alone anymore

ive become too dependent on others for my happiness, i think

when i talk with my friends and we have a good time...thats the happiest i get

i thrive on others’ presence and support

and i wither when the persons i want the most, arent around

or the persons i try to reach out to, consistently shut me out instead

im. going in circles right now i think

but...i used to be my own number one fan, i used to think i was awesome. i could do things on my own like draw or write or make games or anything, without the aching, nagging need for validation

i used to be able to trust my own judgement, my own desires...

i dont anymore

i haven’t for years

i’m always second-guessing myself. i dont feel worthy of things. i dont enjoy or like things i create, if i go solely by my own inner feedback. i do get excited about an idea or so, but it quickly fades without anyone’s encouragement once i have the chance to step back and over-analyze it until it all seems foolish and worthless.

and for all the effort it costs me to do things

for all the migraines and headaches, all the backaches, all the muscle/joint pains, all the blurred visions, all the dizziness, all the nausea... what i manage to do, is never enough. is never worth the cost. so i end up not wanting to invest these costs into such low payouts, no matter how much i want to do something. i’ll have an idea of something to create, then when i create it, or in the process of creation, these costs will manifest and it never seems worth it.

i really...dont know how to be happy with myself anymore.

i even considered trying to get back into reading things again. if creating is such a burden, maybe i can escape through reading like i used to. but i cant do that either, because i can only read a few paragraphs before i get those migraines. only a few, before i’m in pain.

it’s been years. nine years now.

after reading an article recently, i’ve grown aware that i’m extremely burnt out. because despite everything, i have to keep pushing through it even if im unhappy. even if i pass out from overexertion. and it never feels worth it. i got perfect grades in both my courses last semester, and i felt...nothing. it felt like an expectation. a must. instead of an achievement. i wasn’t happy. i’m still not happy. i still feel numb about it even after my parents and sister were so overjoyed and amazed. the perfect 100′s, perfect a’s, meant nothing more than simply not failing - in which scenario i would have felt awful. i cant fail. i cant let myself fail. and i cant just do average, either. i have to do well. i have to just do things, and do them well. it’s all simply doing what i’m “supposed” to.

its the same with creating. i might want to do them, but it’s never satisfying to me in the end. in no time it becomes, why am i only doing this when i should’ve been so much better by this time? why only this, when i should have gotten so much more done? it all feels like a chore after the initial inspiration wears down. i should finish this. i should do it properly. why cant i do it better, when i know that im capable of doing so? why do i stay lacking? people worse off than me have achieved so much more. people worse off, have been able to push themselves regardless. i’m one of the lucky ones, with so little things to do. so little responsibilities. so why?

it feeds into my self hatred. because i’m not enough. i’m not enough to be a good friend, a good reader, a good artist, a good writer, a good anything. i can’t enjoy anything on my own. so i need someone else there. i need people that i feel happy talking to, who understand me. but those persons...have their own issues and troubles to worry about. it’s not fair for me to burden them.

so i have to stay alone. alone with this me that wallows in their own frustration and sadness and inferiority. it’s not good.

none of this is good.

...its 1:49 now. and my hands and arms are hurting a lot after just writing all of this aimlessly. but im not tired yet. my mind is wide awake. even if i tried to sleep, i wouldnt be able to right now.

i dont know what to do now... but i have to stop writing or else ill regret it even more

so..... whatever, i guess