#but really what I need to do is write my fucking MA Paper so I can get this stupid degree

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Do I actually feel motivated to work on my old WIP fics or do I just have academic writing that I am trying to avoid

[yanmuffins]

waiter! waiter! more phineas and ferb reader pls!

I wonder how the batfam would react once they catch reader inventions on a random tuesday, like, "hm, what a nice day to look out on the window and HOLY SHIT WHY IS THERE A GIANT ROBOT SPITING FIRE WHILE RIDING A ROLLERCOASTER IN MY BACKYARD???"

the events that would follow this incident would be funny and exasperating, me thinks

also, wouldn't it be funnier if Perry the Platypus was part of the JL? and like, no one knows his identity but Superman, and neither of them are willing to talk about it-

I know it would be very unlikely, since everyone there would have enough neurons to recognize a platypus with and without a hat, but for the sake of shit and giggles, just think of how funny that would be

welp, I needed to get that outta ma chest, I hope I at least made you laugh a little, because seriously this is one of the best ideas I've seen in this tag and I can't stop thinking and giggling about it

Stay well!

context.

first: i was not expecting this concept to be so popular!! the responses i've gotten from everyone are so amazing!!  ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝) thank you for the ask, anon!! it always makes my day.

i am formally announcing that i will be turning phineas and ferb reader into a fic now. it's too good a concept to pass up. something more light-hearted to work between the other fics i'm writing.

batfamily finding out about reader's whacky inventions would be an event. it so wholeheartedly shatters the image they had of reader to the point they just have to sit with what the hell just happened for a while before they even consider what to do about you next. still so many things that don't make sense. their newest case is how the fuck did we go this long without finding out (Y/N) has been building mechas in our backyard and why are those things always gone when it's convenient.

then the realizations just start dropping on them like an anvil on a looney tunes character. and they kinda feel like shit, cause how did they not notice? really puts into perspective how they've neglected you all this time. so many stunts you pulled right under their nose, on their backyard, their garage, throughout gotham and metropolis. ok, were out there being creative and amazing and you sure know how to spend the wayne family money, they'll give you that, but it was so irresponsible of you! who knows what could've gone wrong. you're not like them! you're a civilian with no training, the only regular teenager in the family, you're the last person who should be exposing themselves doing all that.

bruce goes off on you, screaming about how could you be so reckless, you did all of this behind his back– what? what do you mean he gave his permission? and he is floored, devastated, blood pressure up, when you remind him of every instance you dropped by his office with a document for him to sign or to ask for permission, with proof as you pull out every paper he put his signature without a second look.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is when reader's dynamic with the batfam does a complete 180 and their little yandere antennae start going off. no more whacky cartoonish shenanigans. at least not without proper supervision. they know you're not a fan of this new arrangement, but you gotta understand they let you go unchecked for way too long! they'll drown you in family activities so you don't even have to worry about it. who wants to build a teleportation machine, anyway? just join them for family movie night.

as for perry, that is going to take them a while longer to figure out. bruce just can't stand another insane discovery, so when batman sees an intelligent platypus wearing a fedora and walking on two feet on justice league headquarters (if we're going by the idea that he's a part of JL), he's just going to think "my kid has a pet platypus. huh."

oh, consider:

dick: "damian, you knew all this time?! our sibling could've gotten into serious trouble! why didn't you tell us about this?"

damian: stares into the camera like he's in the office.

[wh0re43van]

Sparks (Evan Peters X Reader)

Summary: You’re a set director on American horror story’s Freakshow. Evan has been trying to convince you to ‘smoke and chill’ for months, but you’ve always rejected him in fear of jeopardizing your job. After a particularly stressful shoot, Evan finally convinces you to spark with him.

Warnings: intense smut, face fucking, choking, drug use.

Word count: 3k

A/n: This is my first time writing in awhile so I’m bit rusty

"Hey y/n I just re-upped,” Evan announces as he walks up behind me.  “He's got the best homegrown around and It's cured perfect every time. Come to my place tonight and I'll let you sample," He offers as he slips an arm around my shoulder. "You don't even have to match, just give me something else in return," he says lowly in my ear. My heart skips a beat and my cheeks blush red. Evans been blatantly flirting with me since we started shooting. It's been my own personal hell having to reject such a perfect man because its 'not professional to have personal relations with the cast'.

"Evan," I sigh as I look up at his dark eyes. "I honestly would love to-" he cuts me off.

"Then consider it y/n," he simply states. I smile at him. I have to admit that he's starting to wear me down

"Evan, I have to finish my walk through before the shooting starts" I turn back to the counter to consult my mockup. He backs up and leans against the wall.

"I’ll just keep you company then," he grins.

•

•

‘Fuck’ I curse internally as I run from a very angry Mr. Murphy. One of my idiot crew members forgot to do their only job and set out the menus for the next scene. We’re an hour behind on filming and we’re only here for three days. The director is pissed to say the least.

I throw open the door to the storage room and start ripping open boxes. I swear I'm going to lose every last ounce of sanity I have left. We started shooting two hours ago and I've rolled my ankle, got broken glass stuck in my hand, and of course, been bitched at constantly.

"Did you find them?" Evan questions as he closes the door behind him.

"What?" I ask, not processing what he's saying as I rip haphazardly through every single cardboard box in this room, brown paper flying everywhere.

"Did you-" He begins to repeat, then pauses. I feel him grab my arm gently, stopping my whirlwind of motion. "Y/N," he says calmy.

"What Evan?" I snap at him. I can feel the stress dripping out of every pore of my body. Turns out stress smells a lot like sweat. Evan jumps a bit at my tone, then simply points his 'lobster claw' to a box of pink menus that I opened without even realizing it. I was so stressed and overwhelmed I didn't even realize I found the goddamn menus four boxes ago.

I groan and lay my head on Evans chest.

"I'm such a fucking stupid idiot." I mumble his white shirt, feeling tears well up in my eyes. Evan chuckles and clumsily lifts my chin up with his makeup bound hands. His smile immediately drops when he sees my face.

"Hey y/n don't cry," he coos, his voice laced with concern.

"Evan I'm losing my mind," I sniffle as he pulls me into a hug.

"You know what you need?" He asks I shake my head 'yes.'

"A blunt." We both say in unison. I feel his cheek stretch into a smile against mine, proud of himself for finally convincing me.

•

•

My hand shakes as I ring the doorbell to Evans hotel room.

“Ma’ Lady,” Evan bows as he opens the door for me. What a dork.

“Thank you good sir,” I attempt a curtsy as I walk in. I guess were both dorks.

We chuckle as he latches the door behind me.

“Right this way,” he ushers me to his balcony looking over the city. I step out onto the cool concrete, hearing Heaven Beside You by Alice in Chains playing. There's two bean bag chairs set up with a bundle of blankets on each one. Purple and white string lights hang all around the ceiling and railing of the small balcony.

“Wow Evan, this is really cool. I’m impressed with how you spend your free time,” I admit, sitting down in one of the chairs, pulling a blanket into my lap.

“Actually,” he sits down in the chair beside me as he picks up the rolling tray. “I’ve never done this before. I set all of this up as soon as I got home,” he chuckles.

“I don’t even know what to say,” I tell him honestly. I’m dumbfounded. This might seem like a small gesture, but this is one of the sweetest things anyone’s done for me. He went out of his way just for me.

“Then don’t say anything. Just grab me that bong,” he grins, pointing to the glass sitting on the ground next to the door. I stand up and bend over to pick up the simple clear bong, feeling Evans gaze burn into the back of me. When I hand him the piece, I get close enough to his face to see that his eyes are already glossy.

“Evan Peters,” I tisk. “did you start with out me?” I ask putting my hand to my chest in faux offense.

“I was a little nervous, I’ve been waiting for this for so long… I was scared if I was sober I’d mess it up,” he admits. His pale cheeks tinting pink.

“I’m flattered,” I smile. He opens the metal grinder sitting on his lap and begins to pack the bowl. “but it is rude to start a sesh before your guest arrives.” He hands me the packed bong.

“Well how’s bout you get this all to yourself and we call it even,” he wagers. I take the bong with a smile, accepting his offer. As I put the cool glass to my lips, I reach for the lighter on Evans thigh, but he snatches it, looking me in the eyes as he flicks the zippo, igniting a hot bright flame that he circles around the bowl. He begins to pull the flame away, but I grab his hand to hold the light in place for a couple more seconds. His eyes widen a bit and he smiles.

“Damn I’m glad I didn’t want any,” he chuckles, finally pulling away to spark his own joint. I pull the stem and inhale the milky smoke sharply, holding it in my lungs for bit before exhaling slowly. The smoke clouds around my face before a small gust of wind disperses it.

“Yeah, me to,” I grin softly as Evan takes another hit off his joint. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but with the past few weeks I’ve had, I’m goanna need a lot more than some weed to recover from all this stress,” I take another hit and lay my head back in the soft chair, finally feeling my muscles relax as the golden light flows through every nerve of my body. I turn my head and open my heavy eyes to look up at Evan.

“Wow that is bad,” he says, staring at something in the distance. I take this moment to truly admire the man beside me. The purple lights cascade onto his sharp features, violet pin pricks reflect in his coffee-colored eyes. The wind blows his loose brown curls around on his forehead as a rough hand holds the paper filter up to his pink lips. The end of the cone glows crimson as his chest rises, taking in a hit of hot smoke. Evan looks down at me to finish his thought. Had I been sober, I would have quickly looked away. But right now, nothing could tear my eyes from this perfect image in front of me. Evans’ eyes lock into mine as he releases the smoke slowly out through his mouth and nose. “Y/n, I-“ he begins, but before he can finish, I sit up and pull his face into mine. Gently kissing him, the smell of smoke mixed with his cologne is intoxicating all on its own. He tenses for a moment, processing what had just happened, before putting his hand on my back to bring me closer.

“I’m sorry,” I pull away suddenly feeling embarrassed for being so forward. Evan looks at me with wide eyes and flushed cheeks for a second before furrowing his brow,

“Are you kidding me,” ashes fall from his joint onto his pants, reminding him of its presence. He takes small drag before finishing. “That’s all I’ve wanted since the moment I saw you.” I smile at his confession. He holds the joint to my lips offering me a hit. We hold eye contact as I pull the smoke into my mouth, then to my lungs. “You’re beyond beautiful y/n,” he compliments. I lean into kiss him, shot gunning the smoke to him. He kisses hard and inhales the smoke as if it’s his last breath. He sits the joint in the ash tray then puts his hand on the back of my head, gently but firmly, so I don’t pull away this time, Evan exhales the smoke though his nose, so he doesn’t have to break the kiss. I clumsily crawl into his lap to straddle him, and his hands instinctively grab my ass. The heat from his hands warming me through the thin fabric of my leggings. I feel hungry, starving for more and more of him. As my knees sink into the soft chair around him, I begin to grind my hips against his.

“Evan,” I breath out, begging to feel more of his skin on mine. He looks at me with lust filled eyes and kiss bruised lips as I begin to lift his shirt up. He grabs my hand gently.

“Let’s go inside, darling,” he whispers. “You never know if one of those creeps are near by.” He looks around, checking for paparazzi. I was puzzled for a second, before remembering Evans’ status. I nod and climb off him. He stands, his dark jeans tented at the crotch and his white t-shirt rising and falling quickly on his chest. He grabs my hand to guide me inside.

“Can’t forget this,” I grin, stopping to grab a fresh blunt and the zippo. He chuckles as I spark the cone. He pulls me into his lounge, locking the door and closing the blinds. After I had a few hits, I hand the joint to Evan as I sit down on the leather couch.

“We don’t have to do anything more than this if you don’t want y/n,” he almost whispers through the smoke, sitting down next to me. I look into his desperate eyes as he hands me the warm paper.

“Please,” I inhale. “Please Evan I need you,” I beg the stoned man in front of me. With that, in one swift move, he takes the cone from my hand, putting it on the side table ash tray, removes his shirt and smashes his lips to mine, laying me down on the sofa. His kisses trail from my lips to my ear. Grabbing my throat gently he whispers. “You have no idea how desperate I am for you,” all I can do is moan in response my brain too high off THC and lust to form a coherent thought. His kisses continue trailing down my neck as his fingers work with the buttons on my black flannel. He smiles like a child when he sees that I have nothing underneath the warm button up. His mouth quickly drops to one breast swirling his warm tongue around as his hand massages my other breast, sending me into a fit of pleasure. After giving the same treatment to the other side, he rips off my leggings. He grabs the waistband of my thong. “May I?” he asks with heavy bloodshot eyes.

“Please,” I nod. He wastes no time removing the flimsy fabric and spreading my already trembling legs. He dips a long finger into my heat, groaning at how slick I already am.

“All this, just for me?” He licks the fluid off his finger, just to dip it back inside of me and out once more. “Have a taste baby,” he reaches his finger up and I close my mouth around it, licking seductively, making sure to keep eye contact.

“Fuck,” he whispers to himself. “Good girl,” he praises with a kiss on my nose. He quickly dips his head back down, licking from my entrance up to my clit, sucking and licking with expertise, earning a loud moan and a string of profanities from me. I quickly feel my orgasm building in my stomach, but its not enough.

“Evan, I need you to fuck me, please,” I whimper. He pulls his head up, his mouth and chin shimmering. I definitely didn’t need to ask twice. He jumps up dropping his pants and boxers allowing his perfect cock to spring free, giving himself a few good pumps. I shiver at the sight. Evan dips his head down to my core one last time, giving me a kiss then allowing a trail of warm spit to drip down and trickle to my entrance. The sight is enough to make me melt into this sticky leather couch. Evan lines his length up with me, pulling my hips up and guiding me onto his dick. Slowly filling me, stopping halfway in allowing me to adjust, but I don’t want it. I buck my hips forward, making him bottom out immediately. A string of curses leaves both our lips as he pokes at my stomach from the inside. He begins thrusting quickly, taking the hint that I’m not  wanting to make love tonight. Evans’ toned body begins to shimmer with sweat as he brings a strong hand to my throat squeezing the sides, making me just lightheaded enough to intensify the pleasure. He looks down at me, biting his lip, as he watches my face contort in pleasure from what he’s doing to me. The louder I moan, the harder he pounds into me. My breathing starts to hitch with each thrust as I clench around him.

“Evan I’m going to-” before I can finish my sentence, he pulls out completely, making me groan from the sudden empty feeling. I curse and open my mouth to question him.

“Turn over,” he demands as he stands up. I obey and begin to shift on the couch. “hands and knees.” He specifies, slapping me hard on the ass, I cant help but giggle as the sting lingers on my sweaty skin. I prop myself up on my forearms on the arm of the couch and spread my legs, wiggling my ass a bit as wait for Evan to fill me back up.

“Your body is so perfect,” he says as grabs and kisses my ass before I feel him line himself up again, quickly thrusting in to satisfying the ache in the empty space he left behind in my stomach. Once he finds his rhythm, I feel his hand snake around my throat and the other around my torso as he pulls me flush against him. My shoulders press against his as I arch my back. In this new potion, he hits my g spot perfectly.

“Shit Evan! Yes please,” I pant. “just like this. Please fuck me just like this! Don’t stop,” I plead as I squeeze his strong arms that are wrapped around me. Even groans lowly at the praise.

“I need you to cum y/n,” he whispers in my ear, reaching down to rub circles on my clit. “Can you do that for me, gorgeous?” All I can do is moan and nod my head ‘yes’. His thrust propels me towards my orgasm as I scream out profanities. “That’s it, good girl,” his hot breath moans into my ear laced with the smell of stale smoke. I curl my toes and grip his forearms with all my force, leaving nail marks as my whole body tenses, then releases in pleasure.

“Evan I’m cumming!” My screams and the sound of our skin slapping together fill the room. “Fuck you make me feel so good,” I whimper as he begins to slow down his thrusts, allowing me to ride out my high.

“Good job baby,” he pulls out, pumping himself. “now get on your knees. Open your mouth.” I quickly obliged. I drop down and look up at him. The sight of his heaving, glistening chest and his brown curls sticking to his red sweaty face is enough to make me orgasm all over again. He reaches his veiny arm down and pulls my hair into a ponytail and. I happily open my mouth for him as he gently taps his rock hard tip on my lips, I moan quietly as he begins to slowly thrust in my face. I take it upon myself to press his dick as far as I can down my throat, gagging as my nose touches his abdomen.

“Holy fucking shit baby,” he pants out, now fucking my face. It doesn’t take long before he’s twitching in my deep in my throat and the salty pre cum drips into my mouth. “That’s it baby, fuck,” he swears as he grips my hair so hard I can feel a few strands snapping. It takes all of my strength to pull my head a away.

“Cum on my face, please Evan,” I gasp for breath, looking up at him with tears running from my pink eyes, as thick strands of spit string from my lips to his perfect dick. With a few pumps, and his death grip still on my hair, I open my mouth and hum in satisfaction as he releases his strings of hot liquid all over my face. He groans and curses, finally releasing my hair.

“Fuck y/n,” he sighs, looking down at the beautiful mess he’s created on my face. He brings his thumb to my mouth scooping up some of his cum and bring it to my lips. I smile around his thumb, lapping up all the liquid. “I can’t believe how beautiful you are,” he looks at me with such strong admiration in his eyes, I can’t help but blush as I lay my head into the hand he puts on my cheek. “Lets get you into the shower,” he begins guides me to the bathroom but I stop him.

“Don’t you want a cigarette first” I offer, grabbing the menthols from my flannel pocket. He grins. “Well, I’m not going to ever turn down a cigarette after sex that good,” he looks at the state of my face again. “But let me at least wipe off your face first. It’s the least I could do.” I giggle as he walks over to get a wet rag. This is absolutely worth risking my job for.

[melrodrigo]

Tardy, part 8

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10 | part 11

Tara Carpenter x Fem!Reader

Summary: An unexpected family member reveal sends you spiraling, will anyone trust you now?

Warnings: Angst that turns into fluff, mention of violence, mention of sex

Word Count 2.6k

A/N: I was dying writing this chapter (both physically and mentally) but I think the writers block is gone! Thank you for 600 followers!! As always, love u guys, and tell me what you think <33

“Mom, who’s my dad?” You asked absentmindedly, legs swinging from your living room couch.

“All the other kids at school know who their dad is, who’s mine?” You continued, blissfully unaware of the tension you had just created.

Your mom turned sharply, cigarette between her lips as she spoke.

“Oh, sweetie. Your dad’s gone. It’s just you and me now.” She said as she brought the lighter up and ignited the cigarette.

“What do you mean he’s gone?” You’d asked, eyebrows furrowed.

Your mom lets out a frustrated huff before she answers again.

“I don’t know, he’s just gone. Okay? He left town. Would you leave this topic alone now?” She sounded annoyed, and you don’t want to upset her any further, so you nodded quickly and turned your attention back to the TV screen.

“Okay, Ma.”

-

You flash back into another memory, this time you’re older; freshly graduated from high school, ready to move across the country to start university.

You’ve bid your farewells to friends and relatives, promising you’ll come visit every year.

Your mom’s pulling you aside looking at you weirdly. She’s getting old, you can tell by the increasing wrinkles on her face every day.

She smiles softly, and you think she looks like the sweetest grandma ever.

“Honey, I want you to know something. About your dad.”

You raise an eyebrow, mouth dropping slightly.

Your dad has always been a touchy subject for your mom, she’s never really allowed herself to tell you the full story.

Sure, as you’ve gotten older, you’ve learned bits and pieces. He was a dirtbag, leaving your mom right after she gave birth. You’d also learned that you were born in a small town called Woodsboro but had been whisked away almost immediately.

Your mom sighs now, and everything suddenly feels very heavy.

“I just tried so hard to be both parents for you, I know it wasn’t fair to keep this from you for so long. But if you’re ready to learn who your dad is, I’m ready to tell.” She says, voice cracking only the tiniest bit. You can see how strong she’s trying to be.

You suddenly see your whole childhood flash before your eyes. Your mom sending you off and picking you up every day after school. Making meals for the two of you every night, working overtime to support the family.

“No Ma. It’s okay. I already have a dad, and his name is you.” You say, pointing to her heart.

She opens her mouth but you cut in before she can say anything.

“No, I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need a dad when I have you.” You say, and you mean it wholeheartedly.

Your mother swells with happiness and takes you in a big hug. Wraps her arms around your shoulders.

“Be safe, honey.” She whispers into your ear.

-

You splutter, staring at the page in front of you with a jumble of letters that don’t look like coherent words anymore.

No…it couldn’t be?

There’s no way your dad was Stu Fucking Macher.

It doesn’t feel like you expected it would, finding out who your real father is. Years and years of endless crying; wondering why and why and why.

Every moment has led up to this.

This light, breakable paper in your palms. It’s telling you all you’ve ever wanted to hear, and yet somehow it’s also the thing you need to hear the least.

There’s quick flashes of déjà vu as you stare at the name.

Blood; lots of it. Splattered on the ceiling, all over your body. Screams, loud and clear as day, piercing through your eardrums and starting a ringing sound.

You snap back into reality as Sam steps up to you.

You brace yourself for the worse, you wouldn’t be mad if Sam kicked you out bare into the street right then and there, hell, she could hurt you and you wouldn’t even be mad.

She raises her hand but the impact never comes. Instead, she kneels down to you and holds your shoulders tight.

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard.” She says, soft. Her lips are pulled into a frown but her eyes are sorrowful.

“It’s- it’s okay?” Tara splutters, staring between you and her sister. Flabbergasted would be a minuet way to describe her expression.

“Yes. It’s okay. Can everyone leave the room for a minute? I want to talk to YN.” Sam says, and everyone heeds her orders; shuffling down through the living room hallway.

You stare at Sam, eyebrows knit tight together. She’s hated you since you the day you met, and now she’s the one protecting you?

“Why?” You ask, curiosity seeping through your voice.

“Everyone here has been through something.” She says, biting her lip. “And believe me, if anyone knows about being framed as the bad guy, it’s me.”

She hesitates a little before she opens her mouth again.

“Let’s not pretend that everyone here doesn’t have immensely traumatic things happen to them. Me and Tara…well we know about that. But Mindy and Anika and Chad? You wouldn’t believe the stories I’ve heard from them.” She says, twiddling with her thumbs.

“What if I’m actually the killer?” You press, gauging Sam’s reaction.

She tuts and answers sharply.

“I don’t believe for a second that you are.”

It takes you aback, her being so sure about it. You stay quiet, try to think of anything to say.

You can’t, it’s all too much information to get.

“How can you know that?” You say finally, tilting your head up to make eye contact with Sam.

She pats your back lightly. “You’re a good person YN. We can all tell.”

“We’re a family. One fucked up family, but family all the same. Including you.” She says, voice sure.

You hold eye contact for a while, a silent conversation being spoken. Setting aside all your differences, Sam was actually a really cool person. And you can tell she feels the same way.

Before you know it she’s out down the same hallway the group left in.

You’re sat on the couch, mouth open and eyes glazed.

Huh.

“YN? Mind if I come in?” Tara’s voice sounds from in front of you. You can’t decipher what the tone is.

“Yeah…yeah of course.” You answer, watching as Tara enters and stands before you.

You can’t handle her intense stare, and you drop your head immediately. Anxiety floods you, heart picking up speed.

You don’t notice her until she’s right in front of you, taking your cheeks in her hands. Stroking, softly.

10 minutes ago she was mad, and now she’s comforting you? This girl and her mixed signals.

“I believe you.” She murmurs, leaning down to press her lips on your cheek. She’s so short that even when you’re sitting down you’re almost the same height.

You don’t want to think about any of this now, you don’t want to think about it ever. You want to tell Tara this, but you can’t bring yourself to speak.

Your throat feels dry, eyes slightly teary.

“So what do we do now?” You whisper.

She continues stroking your face fondly, cradles you in her arms.

“We continue with the plan.” She says, and there’s a sense of finality in it that makes you shiver.

-

They’ve pushed back the date on their plan to capture Ghostface a little bit. Tara won’t admit it, but you know she’s the one who suggested it. She must think you need time to process the sudden father reveal, no doubt.

It’s sweet, but she’s wrong. In fact, right now all you need is a distraction. Something to take your mind off all the racing thoughts through your head, the sense of betrayal you feel.

Maybe I should call my mom.

“Hey. Whatcha thinking bout?” A voice sounds from behind you. It’s Anika, and you send her a soft smile; feeling weirdly glad to be in her company.

“Oh nothing much. Just about how my dad was one of the original Ghostfaces and that we’re literally running straight into danger in a few days.” You say, trying to make your voice sound light and teasing.

Anika seems to pick up on the underlying message, and you hear her sigh a little before speaking.

She rounds the couch to come sit down beside you, a pack of medical supplies in her arms. She splays it across the table and turns back to face you.

“If it makes you feel any better, I know what it’s like to have a rough family. My parents were…dipshits to say the least.” She says, casually.

Oh.

You try and think of something appropriate to say in response, but your brain seizes up and it goes blank.

“But you don’t have to feel bad for me. I have a new family now.” She continues, smiling at you; genuine crinkles at the tips of her eyes. She pats your back lightly.

“Just so you know, I don’t think you’re the killer. Who cares if your dad is Ghostface? It’s not like this is the first time it’s happened in our friend group. I trust you, really.”

It’s enough to make you teary-eyed again. You look away, hoping she can’t see them.

“Thank you.” You mumble. “That means a lot to me.”

She chuckles warmly before taking you in a hug. You guys don’t say anything the rest of the time she fixes up your wound.

-

“Are you blushing?” Tara asks immediately when Anika leaves the room, footsteps light.

“What? No, I’m not.” You say, running a hand through your hair.

“Did she make you blush?” She’s asking, a teasing smile on her lips.

You frown.

“She just said some very nice things to me, okay?” You huff, cross your arms like a child.

“Aw, baby. You look adorable.” She murmurs, giving you a peck on the lips.

“Are you not jealous?” You ask, cocking an eyebrow at her.

She brings a finger to her lips and feigns thoughtfulness. Then she smiles wide and takes your lips in a searing kiss.

“No.” She mumbles against them. “Because I know you’re mine. And I can definitely make you do a lot more than blush.”

It’s enough to make you flush completely red. You let out a little whine at her words.

“See?” She’s asking as she leans back, a smirk on her lips. You try and wipe it off by wrapping your arms around her neck and pulling her in for another kiss.

She’s not wrong. But you’re not going to admit that. It’s a fatal flaw, really. How easily you relent when it comes to Tara. You’d die for her, you’d kill for her, and she knows it.

“Come on,” She’s whispering. “Let’s go to my room.”

You pull back, amused.

“I don’t think I can even stand and you’re asking me to do what?” You ask pointedly.

She tugs on your shirt, obviously not in the mood to play one of your games right now.

“Then maybe I’ll just take you right here.” She whispers into your ear, laughing as you shiver beneath her.

You gulp, stare at her with big eyes. She crawls forward, leaning her elbows into your sides on instinct.

You can’t help but wince.

It seems to break Tara out of her lustful haze, because now she’s looking at you with worried eyes.

She’s getting up kind of panicky, fiddling with her hands.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I should let you sleep.” She says, sort of fast, words tumbling out of her.

You smile at her, grip her hands tight.

“It’s okay, Tara. Although, I do want to hit the hay for a while. Care to join me?” You invite, tugging her closer slightly to make sure she doesn’t leave.

She grins shyly and nods.

“Okay.” She says, biting the inside of her cheek. She’s the cutest with the excitement that radiates off her.

-

When you wake, Tara’s not in your arms anymore. You stir, rubbing your eyes aggressively.

“Tara?” You groan, trying to look around the weirdly dim room for any sign of your girlfriend.

You notice the candles immediately, more than a dozen of them lining the table and making a little pathway to the fireplace.

Your girlfriend appears in front of you now, wearing a little white sundress; one you’d specifically bought for her weeks ago.

She looks so good, you almost start drooling. Like an angel, the way she’s standing and staring at you, playful, excited gaze.

“I was wondering when you were going to wake up.” She grins, bending down to press a kiss to your cheek.

“What is all this?” You question, looking around the room in further inspection.

There are two plates set up quite nicely on the dining table, along with a bottle of champagne and a single flower in the middle.

It’s all so, romantic.

Tara twirls, and gives you a little show of her dress. Then she takes your hand and gently helps you up, leading you to the dining room with her.

“I never got to take you on a date. I think it’s time I return the favor.” She says, nodding along to her sentence; like a reassurance.

“You’re adorable.“ You say, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. She blushes a little.

“Thank you.” She mumbles.

The smell as you enter the dining room is mouth-watering. You recognize it immediately. It’s your favorite pasta, ravioli with white wine and tomatoes.

Tara’s an amazing cook, you know this already. But the flavors that explode in your mouth when you take a bite out of it are otherworldly.

“This is the best thing you’ve ever cooked.” You speak through stuffed cheeks, eyes wide and happy.

Tara picks up a piece of her own and eats it.

“I didn’t know what to make you, so I called your mom. She said this was your favorite, so I went on youtube and tried to replicate the recipe.” She says, somewhat shyly.

You beam.

“You called my mom?” You ask, teasingly. Boop her on the nose. You celebrate internally when you see her flush red.

“Yeah, it was no biggie. Just a phone call.” She disregards, biting her bottom lip to try and stop the color that’s overtaking her whole face.

She reaches forward to grab another piece of ravioli before she stops short and gasps.

“Oh! I almost forgot to give you these.” Tara says, reaching behind her chair for something. She pulls out a huge bouquet of flowers, filled with your favorites.

You don’t try and hide the surprise in your face, mouth open and gaping.

She slaps your arm lightly at your reaction.

“Hey! I can be romantic too you know.”

You nod sarcastically.

“Oh yeah no doubt no doubt.” You say, taking the bouquet from her hands in favor of bending over the table and kissing her.

“Thank you, baby.” You say against her lips. She smiles wide, scrunching her nose as she pulls back.

“You taste like pasta!” She’s giggling, pushing you back into your chair.

You finish the dinner in record time, and that’s due entirely to how good the meal was. You and Tara sit and talk for a little while before moving to the floor to watch a movie.

Tara’s annoyingly secretive about it, not letting you see whatever she’s setting up. You huff and go grab snacks from the fridge instead.

When you get back it’s to the TV covered, and there’s a small projector at the side shining light on a random bed sheet she’s hung vertically.

“Impressive speed.” You praise.

Tara’s sitting smugly, arms open and inviting you to come sit.

It’s playing 10 Things I Hate About You, one of your all-time favorite movies. You settle down into the spot next to her and sneak a glance over, but she’s already staring at you; hard.

You let out a breath of happiness and pull her closer by the waist. Kiss her on the forehead, murmur against her skin.

“Thank you for this. I needed it.”

She nods into you and pulls you impossibly closer.

“Of course.” She says.

You decide Ghostface can wait, your dad can wait. All that matters right now is Tara. Her and this movie and you.

The only three things that exist in the world.

[kenzireal]

contemplation;

Finally, a piece with some fucking meaning.  As a lot of people have kinda figured out: I’m really not super into the internet as of late. I’m really disheartened and hurt by how social groups, websites, applications, and the general climate has changed since ~2020. And I know I’m not alone in that, nowadays a lot of people clamor for what once was, people are buying dumb phones, going outside, and engaging in life as it was pre-pandemic.  In truth I think that’s what I need to do, but is it really so simple? Is it really so simple to just go “touch grass”? Consider this: growing up I genuinely never felt like I fit in. In school, extra curricular activities, at home, nowhere. The only place I found I “fit in” was online, in a space where people were actually like me. Other outcasts, I guess. Let’s be fr, no one “normal” was sitting up at midnight typing away about twilight princess on Nintendo’s official forums. Later in life I can recognize a LOT of this is due to the fact I was undiagnosed AuDHD.  But, I ask this: where does someone like me go? Where do I go when the place I considered home is no more? This isn’t like a town changing or people growing up, the places I once loved no longer exist on a fundamental level. Forums closed with no archive (thanks Nintendo!), websites shut down, and over saturation to an extreme degree in general “online spaces.” You can’t just “meet people” the same way before. These platforms aren’t for people, they’re for advertising. The answer I’ve found is a sort of mixed one. The one time I felt seen in person was in university, because I was once again surrounded by sickos like me. People who get off to writing long papers about what it means when people do things. I wrote a 64 page ethnography about VRChat in 2018 for my senior year thesis, and I had a chance to just geek out about it with other folklore nerds. I wrote papers about Slenderman, dude. I was finally seen and validated for all the information I had accumulated over the years. This stopped once I graduated with my MA in 2021, and I’ve felt a sort of lingering sense of longing since getting it. But, what if that sense of longing could be encouraged? What if my path does lead to academia, but not in the way I had initially expected? For those who know my personal life to a closer degree (or just watch my streams, lmao) know I’m engaged with my fiancé, Alber, and am gearing up to move countries (again). Finland is great, and what’s even greater is education is free. So, I’ve decided. I’ll be pursuing my doctorate by any means necessary and attempting to find a new home outside of the internet. I’ll be attempting to cement myself within academia, something I tried before but honestly went about so, so wrong. In truth I probably needed a few gap years, and I guess I got them, lmao Anyway, this piece is me trying to visualize the internal struggle going on right now. I feel like I know what has to be done to make myself feel better in life, but it’s hard to do it. How do I admit to myself that the places I once considered home are gone, never coming back in the way I’d want, and I need to focus on finding a new place where I’m comfortable? Well, I guess I just did. Thanks for reading, love y’all Kenzie

[theraggedygirl11]

Tant que notre amour est fou, il défiera toutes les lois

SUMMARY: Jan is a sorcerer. Nace is a human. An "accident" makes them meet and since then they are in each other's mind.

PAIRING: Nace Jordan/Jan Peteh

WARNINGS: swearing, and nothing else in particular, maybe some tears lmao

WORDS COUNT: 2.844

LINK: AO3

NOTES: First of all, I'd like to thank @mrsebastianmoran that created this amazing moodboard and @paperphilia who wrote this short fic inspired by that same moodboard. You two made me write my own version of dark sorcerer!Jan. Please, check both works, they are amazing!

I also thank @anxious-witch, my partner in crime (and in fangirling too) and beta reader.

I might come back to this au, maybe with a sequel. Who knows.

* * *

Oh, mon amour (oh, my love)   Tu es ma chance (you are my chance)   Si je renonce (if I give up)   Plus rien n'a de sens (nothing makes sense anymore)   Oh, mon amour (oh, my love)   La robe blanche (this white dress)   Est la réponse à leurs offenses (is the reply to their offenses)  

On se moque - Molière l’Opéra Urbain  

It all happened so fast that Nace wasn't able to realise what was really occurring. It still felt like a vivid dream.  

He was walking home in the city centre of Ljubljana. It was late at night, he had just finished playing with his band at an event in a local cafe when he noticed a shadow moving fast in the corner of his eye.  

He stopped and looked back. He saw nothing, he was alone in that street. He gulped, then decided to walk faster, marching towards his house, that wasn't even that far away.  

But as soon as he turned, in front of him there was a huge shadow figure, with red flaming eyes and an enormous, open mouth in which he could clearly see fangs as sharp as knives and as white as the Moon itself.  

He was petrified. His first thought was "this must be a nightmare". He needed to wake up, yet he couldn't do it. No, that was reality. A monster made of pure darkness was about to kill him and he couldn't do anything about it.  

He closed his eyes, praying to whatever deity he had in mind in that moment, not ready to die. He waited and waited but nothing happened.  

He heard a noise made by metal links, banging against one another.  

"How many times have I told you that you are not allowed to go around and scare people?"  

Who was talking? Nace opened his eyes and that shadow creature now looked more like a dog that was getting scolded by his owner. Around his neck there was a metal collar connected to a metal chain. A man was near the creature, holding its chain, and he was talking to it like it was his own-he was the owner of that monster?!  

"You are grounded. No more freedom to roam around the city until you learn to behave, ok?"  

The creature whimpered while looking at its owner.  

"No. Shut up. I won't change my mind. You could have killed innocent people! You must learn to behave, or I will send you back to Hell."  

The strange man sighed, then turned to Nace. "Sorry. My hellhound is learning to behave in the hum-"  

Nace was pale and still petrified. The weird man dressed in black kept looking at him.  

"You are human." He murmured.  

Nace saw him trying to get closer. At the same moment he felt his own body go numb, his vision blurred and then black surrounded him.  

"Oh, fuck-" were the last words he heard before fainting.  

* * *

Jan obviously didn't mention what happened the night before with that (handsome) human to Kris.   

He didn't want to be scolded like a child. He was one of the strongest dark sorcerers of the Balkan covenant, but he struggled to control his hellhound. It was a bit shameful for him, to be honest.  

That day Kris and he were at the local market in the suburbs of Ljubljana because they needed to buy stuff for their group of sorcerers.  

"Go to Marija, I need these herbs and ingredients for my potions and magic cures." Kris handed him a piece of paper with a list of stuff in it. He was a healer, his dominant element was water.  

Jan took the list and nodded. He needed stuff from Marija too for some of his spells.   

"I'll go to Primož, Bojan needs his animal blood for his damn blood magic."  

"He's always so lazy, he never goes to buy it himself." Jan shook his head.  

Kris sighed. "I know and I hate him for that."   

They then split to do their chores. It was at Marija's stall that Jan felt observed by familiar eyes. He turned and right behind him there was the human he had met the night before.  

"It's you," he said, his eyes widening in shock.   

"I think you mistook me for someone else." Jan immediately replied. He turned again to the stall to get his bags full of herbs and other stuff, then paid Marija and tried to go away quickly.  

The human had other plans however, he followed him and grabbed his arm.  

"I knew that it was all true, it couldn’t be a dream."  

Jan turned again to look at him. Their faces were so close.  

"I don't know what you are talking about."  

"You know. That...that shadow monster. You called it a hellhound. And you controlled him."  

"It was probably a dream, as you mentioned before."  

"I'm not crazy, I know what I saw!" His voice got louder. Some people around them turned to look at them.  

Jan's heart sank in his chest. The look in that human’s eyes was begging for answers, begging him to confirm what he saw that night.  

“What did you do to me then? I woke up in my room, in my house!”  

"It's better if you forget everything, man. Trust me.” He whispered.  

"Jan, is everything ok?" That was Kris. Jan felt his presence behind him.  

"Yeah, don't worry. This man thought I was someone else he knew." And he cast a quick spell in his voice to force that stranger to free his arm.  

He went away with Kris, leaving that human in the middle of the market. He turned to look at him with a guilty glance. He could almost touch his confusion with his hands. “I’m sorry”, he thought.

  

* * *

In the next few days Jan kept thinking about that human, about his eyes and his hand around his arm. He still felt his touch against his skin like a fire mark. In the end he decided to look for him, he deserved answers, even if it was against every law that ruled sorcerers around the world: humans mustn’t know about magic. He didn’t care, he felt so guilty.  

After a quick location spell, he found the stranger in a park in the suburb of the city. It was getting dark outside, so it was easier for him to use shadows to travel to his destination. He appeared in front of him. The human was holding his head between his hands and he was staring at the ground while sitting on a bench.  

“I think I owe you some explanations.”   

The stranger lifted his head and looked at Jan. His eyes opened wide, but the initial shock became anger. “Did you come here to make me look like a fool again? Wasn’t enough what you did today at the market?”  

His rage hit him like a dagger in the heart. “N-no.” He replied. “I want to talk to you.” He raised his hands, a gesture of surrender. “May I?” He asked then, pointing to the empty space near him on that bench.  

The stranger nodded, but his look was still angry.   

Jan took a couple of deep breaths before starting to talk. “What you saw yesterday was real. It was a hellhound.” He stopped for a second. “My hellhound. And I have problems with controlling it.” He sighed. “I’m a sorcerer. My specialty is dark magic.” He turned to look at the human. He felt judged by his eyes.  

“A sorcerer that practises magic.” The human repeated. “Like...Harry Potter?”  

“Hm...kind of, yeah. We are completely different from that...hm, representation. That it’s just completely wrong, to be honest. We don’t need a piece of wood to cast spells.” And to make him understand better, he raised his hand and called a small dark flame on his palm.  

The man startled and jumped a bit backwards. Jan made the flame disappear. “I shouldn’t tell you all this, but I felt guilty for how I treated you,” he explained. “Usually, when one of us ends up revealing magic to humans, we cancel their memories. I hate playing with people’s minds.”  

“A dark sorcerer who’s worried about a stranger? Shouldn’t dark sorcerers be evil?”  

“That’s kinda biased. Just because we bond with darkness and shadows, it doesn’t mean that we are evil.” Jan crossed his arms. “I fought against evil water and air sorcerers.” He even raised an eyebrow.  

The stranger giggled. Jan smiled, seeing the anger disappearing from his face and his eyes. The human kept asking Jan questions and he tried to answer, without giving away too much information about his world. He explained that sorcerers were born with a dominant element that guided their magic, that they all studied how to control and use their magic according to this element and also specialised in different roles based on the nature of their magic.  

Jan was a dark sorcerer, so his magic was mainly offensive, focused on curses and powerful destructive spells. He was also able to control people, summon creatures from Hell, like demons or hellhounds, control shadows and travel through them, bond with animals that lived at night and cast protection spells that could harm if activated.   

It was too late to continue talking, so they decided to meet again. Both enjoyed the time they spent together that evening. It wasn’t against the covenant rules to have friends among humans, in the end.  

“Oh, what’s your name, by the way?” The sorcerer asked.  

“Nace.” The human smiled. “Yours?”  

“Jan.” He replied with a shy smile.  

“Nice to meet you, sorcerer Jan, then.” Nace giggled. “Till the next time.”  

“Till the next time, human Nace.” And he vanished in the shadow, just like he appeared there a few hours before.  

* * *

Weeks passed. Jan and Nace kept hanging out together. They talked about everything outside of magic and sorcery. They met in various places, sometimes the sorcerer used his magic to travel with his human friend.   

Jan started feeling something weird inside of him while he was with Nace. His heart beat faster, he took every excuse to initiate physical touch between them. When they weren’t together, he missed him so much and he felt like there was an emptiness in his chest.  

“Kris, may I ask you something?” He entered his friend’s lair.  

He raised his head from the table where he was working on some potions. “Yeah, sure. Tell me.”  

“How did you realise you fell in love with Bojan?”  

“Well, we spent a lot of time together. I missed him when I wasn’t with him. The world gained colours when the feelings started blooming. And the deep and wild waters inside of me calmed the moment I felt his presence, a stormy ocean becoming a placid sea. And this happens also today, nothing changed.” Kris answered, then looked at his friend. “Why did you ask this?”  

“I...think I’m in love with a person.” He admitted.   

“Really?” Kris smiled. “Who is this person?”  

“It’s a human.”  

That smile on Kris’s face disappeared instantly. “You know that’s forbidden by our laws.”  

“I know, but I don’t care. This person soothes the shadows in me.” He looked Kris in the eyes. “There's been a light in me since I started hanging out with them.”  

“The Council won’t allow you to date this person, Jan.” He stood up and went closer to his friend. “It’s a human.”  

“I hate these rules! Just because they want to keep our damn power from mixing with humans, we are not allowed to date who we love!” He shouted.   

“These rules exist to protect us and our community. What if the wrong people discover that we exist? We already have sorcerers that turn evil, we don’t need humans to meddle with us too.”  

Kris was right. As much as Jan wanted to reply, his friend was right. They already had their problems to deal with.  

Jan felt tears invading his eyes. “...I love him, Kris.” He whispered, voice trembling. “I’ve never felt this way for anyone else. I-I can’t leave him.”  

Kris hugged his friend and gently caressed his back. Jan hid his face against his neck. He felt the shadows agitating in him, reeling like whirlpools. He grabbed his friend’s shirts while starting to cry silently, his shaking shoulders were the only sign that he was crying.   

“I’m sorry, Janči.” Kris whispered.   

But Jan wasn’t surrendering so easily. He was taught how to fight, how to resist, and how to persevere to reach his goal. And he didn’t want to lose Nace. If he wasn’t allowed to stay with a human without going against those laws, the only solution was to defy them.  

Some days after his decision, Jan met with Nace in the park where he revealed he was a sorcerer. His human was on the same bench too. He smiled when he saw his dear friend.  

“Hi, Janči.”   

“Hi, Nace.” He sat next to him, smiling. For a couple of seconds his eyes stopped on Nace’s lips.   

“Is everything ok? It’s early for you.”  

“I needed to meet you because I wanted to say something to you.” He explained while looking him in the eyes. He grabbed one of his hands and intertwined their fingers.   

“Yeah, sure, tell me.” He nodded.  

“Remember when I told you about our covenants?”  

“Yes, I remember that covenants are exclusives for sorcerers and humans are not allowed in.”  

Jan sighed and lowered his eyes on their hands. “There’s more about it. We are allowed to have human friends, but not relationships with humans. The elders say that it’s a matter of mixed blood not strong enough to carry magic and other stuff.”  

“Ok, but why are you tell-oh.”  

Their eyes met again. There was only silence between them. Nace freed Jan’s hand, then cupped his face and kissed him, slowly. Their foreheads touched when their lips parted.  

“I was afraid you didn’t love me back.” Confessed Nace with a delicate voice, almost inaudible. “Just because I’m a mere human and you are an amazing sorcerer.”  

“Don’t ever think about it, my love. You are as important as I am.” Jan cupped Nace’s face and caressed his cheeks.   

They stayed in that position for seconds, maybe minutes. The first to interrupt that intimate moment was Jan.   

“We need to go far away from here.” Said Jan.  

“It’s because of what you told me before?” Nace asked while caressing his cheek.  

“Yes, unfortunately.” He nodded. “I don’t want to give you up. No one can force me to do it. I don’t care if I need to become a fugitive or a traitor of my own kind. I just know that you calm the chaos created by the shadows in me.”  

“I calm the shadows in you?”  

“Yes, Nace.” Jan nodded. He grabbed his hand and put it on his heart. “Magic is this raw power inside of us. We learn to harness it, but there’s always a possibility that we lose control. Love can help us find a balance. You are the lighthouse that shines my way through this stormy darkness.”  

“I help you this much?”  

Jan nodded, then kissed him again. “Run away with me, my love. We can start over somewhere else where people don’t know us. And I can protect us with my magic. I won’t allow anyone to touch you. I’m strong, they fear me.”   

* * *

Nace hesitated at the beginning, but the next day he accepted the offer. In those past months he learned to love Jan and his true nature. He wasn’t scared of him, he was a lovely and kind person, maybe his only flaw was his ability to get lost so deep into his mind and in his thoughts. But Nace loved him so much even when he dove into his mind and he stared at him with heart eyes for hours.  

They ran away in northern Europe a few days later. They found a small house in a village not so far from the capital of the country they chose, so they could live in a quiet place but were also close to a bigger city in case they needed anything.   

It was hard to get used to the new habits, but they managed to in the end. Jan kept practising his magic, learning new stuff and new spells while Nace began working in the capital as a professional musician and then even as a bass guitar teacher in music schools.   

That night when they met neither of them could imagine what would have happened. Maybe Jan’s hellhound knew something they didn’t and escaped from his owner so he could meet the love of his life. Or perhaps it was just a coincidence of events that led them to living together as runaways.   

They only knew one thing, that they were luckier than Romeo and Juliet, because they got the chance to live their prohibited love, even if they had to abandon their previous life behind. Neither of them regretted that decision.  

[ladamedusoif]

Wrapping Paper (Pre-Outbreak Joel Miller)

A Merry Fic-Mas - December 21

Part of A Merry Fic-Mas - A Pedro Boy Holiday Fic Calendar - click for masterlist.

Follow my writing blog, @ladameecrit, for updates.

Characters: Joel Miller, Tommy Miller, Sarah Miller

Word count: 900

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Pre-outbreak (set around Christmas 1994); alcohol consumption; swearing

(Divider by @animatedglittergraphics-n-more)

“Alright, think she’s out for the night.”

Tommy looks up as his older brother walks back into the living room, and takes a swig from his bottle of beer.

“Sarah’s real good like that. Took all those stories about Santa not coming if you didn’t go to sleep very seriously.” He gestures towards Joel’s TV, where a trashy action movie is playing. “And now, brother, you can relax with me, a beer, and Steven Seagal.”

Joel puts his hands on his hips and stares at Tommy. “The fuck you mean, ‘relax’? We’re just gettin’ started. C’mon, Santa needs his elf.”

***

Joel carries the box containing Sarah’s smaller Santa gifts in from the garage while Tommy follows behind, carefully handling her much-wanted main gift: a lilac bicycle, complete with white basket, ribbons on the handlebars, and purple training wheels.

“Alright, just leave the bike to one side while we deal with these.” Joel produces four rolls of gift wrap from inside the box, along with a couple of mini Scotch tape dispensers and labels.

“You hid the gift wrap, too?” Tommy looks confused.

Joel shakes his head. “She’s five, Tommy, but she’s not dumb. Sarah sees this gift wrap in our house and then on Santa’s stuff too - she’s gonna be askin’ questions.”

He hands Tommy some gift wrap and a roll of tape as he settles himself at the dining table, opening up a roll of paper for himself and taking a pair of scissors from the dresser drawer. Joel reaches into the box of gifts and finds a little box containing bright pink and purple hair accessories - he’d picked it up while grocery shopping a few months ago.

He unrolls the paper and places the box on the underside to gauge how much he’ll need, before expertly cutting the paper and beginning to wrap. It’s no time at all before a neat little package emerges, which he tops with a green self-adhesive bow.

His eyes flick up, looking at his younger brother across the table. “You gonna help, or just sit there?”

Tommy rolls his eyes. “Alright, alright.” He pulls a set of pyjamas out of the box - soft jersey, printed with unicorns - and unrolls his gift wrap.

“Joel? How the fuck do you wrap somethin’ soft?”

***

The small pile of gifts shows varying standards of wrapping excellence. Joel quietly decides he’ll tell Sarah it was one of Santa’s apprentice elves who did it, if she asks about the somewhat ramshackle ensemble of paper and tape on some of her things.

“We still got time for the last hour of Seagal!” Tommy pushes himself back from the table. Joel turns his head slowly, meaningfully in the direction of the living room.

The bike.

Tommy looks sceptical. “You can’t gift wrap a bike, man.”

Joel arches an eyebrow. “You sayin’ Santa can’t gift wrap something? Bring it over here. Let me show you the magic of the season in action.”

His brother watches as Joel measures and cuts and wraps and tapes until the entire bicycle is covered in red and green paper, topped with an even bigger bow.

“It looks like a bike, Joel.”

“That’s cos it is a bike, Thomas.”

“But what’s the point in wrappin’ it? She’ll know what it is.”

Joel smiles to himself. “Don’t matter. Wait and see.”

***

Sarah climbs into bed beside her dad at 6am on Christmas morning, bouncing so hard on the mattress that Joel swears she’s going to send him flying off it.

“Now calm down, babygirl. You don’t even know if he’s been.”

Sarah gets off the bed and twirls around with excitement. “I hope he’s been I hope he’s been I really hope he’s been let’s get uncle Tommy to check I hope he’s been -”

Her voice echoes down the hallway as she runs to the guest bedroom and hammers on the door. Joel can hear a presumably bleary-eyed Tommy emerging.

“Alright, girl, I’ll go check. Hold your horses!”

It’s become tradition, this little routine - ever since Joel and Tommy’s ma passed away. Tommy stays with Joel and Sarah for Christmas, and he becomes the chief checker on Christmas morning - making sure the important visitor has been and gone before Sarah sees her gifts.

Tommy is also in charge of taking a bite out of the cookie left for Santa and drinking the milk.

He reappears from the living room a few moments later. “He’s gone and…he’s left you presents.”

Sarah bounces up and down and drags her father along by the hand as she races to see what’s under their tree.

***

Tommy finally understands why Joel gift wrapped the bicycle when he watches his little niece start to remove the paper. Sarah is careful, conscientious - she doesn’t rip off the gift wrap like other kids, never did. Instead, she methodically peels away the wrapping, bit by bit.

She squeals every time she reveals a new part of the object within: the glittery frame, the ribbons, the purple bell that makes a satisfying “ping!”

Joel beams with delight as he watches her, occasionally stopping to take photos on his compact camera.

Tommy understands. Sarah knew the parcel contained a bike: but she didn’t know quite what kind. Each layer of paper removed maintained the suspense, sustained the joyful experience of discovery, of the reveal.

Her face is shining with happiness. He makes a mental note, if he ever has kids of his own, to always gift wrap their Santa presents. He’ll just get Joel to help him.

[mercwiththem0uth]

Hey, your fics are honestly so well-written, I don't usually read "x reader" but I do frequently branch out to genres I'm not familiar with and I really like your writing style

I saw on your pinned post that you take requests and I have an odd one. Recently, I've become lowkey obsessed with the idea of Ross Gaines x Joseph Lisgoe and was wondering if you'd ever be willing to write a fic about them? I'll be honest, I have no idea how specific you like requests to be, but I'm giving you free reign to take it in any direction you see fit. If you're up for it, then thank you so much! If not, then fair enough and I wish you good luck for your future stories 😄

thank you for your kind words!! i want to give this a go for you (so sorry for the delay in responding), but to be 100% honest, i'm not entirely sure i'll give your vision much justice! i'm very used to writing 'x reader' and i have never actually written 2 character ships before...

because of this, i've decided to do a short drabble style so that i don't have to delve into too much specific detail for a story line, and risk messing up lmao. i really hope this is okay, let me know what you think and hopefully i might be able to branch out into more similar subjects in the future :)

p.s. my blog is starting to look like a ross fan account at this point... and I'm not mad about it lolll.

---

Opposites Attract - Joseph Lisgoe x Ross Gaines

[not proof read]

his slicked back hair, narrowed eyes, and angry demeanor did nothing to intimidate ross. "i'm telling you, you've got the wrong house. i don't owe anybody anything." ross' tone remained calm and collected, which only seemed to agitate lisgoe even further.

"oh, yeah?" he drew closer to ross, forcing himself further into the doorway. "then how come your address is the one printed on the fucking paper slip?" lisgoe shoved the paper that he was holding to force it against ross' chest, encouraging him to hold it himself and read it. ross lifted the paper and glanced at it nonchalantly, before looking back at the angered man with a shrug of his shoulders.

"i really don't know. i'm sorry that i can't help you" ross said politely, stepping slightly backwards to close the front door between the pair of them.

"don't you dare even think about shutting this fucking door on me." joseph moved his foot into the door frame to act as a door stop, causing it to be left half-open.

with an excessive exhale of air, ross re-opened the door and stared questionably at the man before him. "what do you actually want from me?"

"I've only told you about fifty times, i want the money you owe me! i'm not leaving here until i get it."

ironically, he did end up leaving empty-handed, having realised that ross was perhaps just as stubborn as himself. joseph lay in bed that night, thoughts racing about the strange encounter he'd had that day. ross. why was he so... different? he had been so relaxed the whole time that lisgoe was shouting in his face. joseph's terrible anger and extreme persistence is the only thing he had to use in his power against people. it was the only strength he ever needed. so why was ross so unphased? it infuriated him...

the next day, lisgoe wandered the streets with barry and glen, ready to tackle the next set of debt-avoiders. joseph stood still in his tracks as a familiar face walked towards him down the street. "well if it isn't mr. gaines! we were gonna be paying you another visit later today" joseph spat, sarcasm lacing heavily in his voice.

"i'm not entirely sure why. you'd be wasting your time, to be honest." there it was. that calm voice that joseph hated so much. ross was supposed to be scared of him, what was he doing wrong?

"oh, you know exactly why." he gritted his teeth. "your name is on that paper, you owe us money and that is that!"

"have you perhaps taken this up with your little minions?" ross gestured towards the two cowardly men stood behind lisgoe, who were not helping the situation at all. "clearly somebody has made a mistake here. i've never even heard of you in my life, mr. lisgoe, i certainly don't owe you any money." ross' tone was more sarcastic this time, especially on the emphasis of joseph's name, which only caused chills to travel over his skin.

before he could even respond, ross had walked past them and continued down the street, swinging his briefcase happily as he went. shock and bewilderment momentarily lingered on joseph's face as he watched the man leave, before his eyes landed on his two useless workers, quickly resorting to his usual stern expression.

"he seems pretty certain he doesn't owe anyth-" barry began, before being silenced by lisgoe's rough hand that grabbed onto the back of his neck and forced him to walk forward, continuing their journey in silence.

---

it was late evening and lisgoe lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to relax with a mind racing yet again over his impenetrable client. before long, he gave in and jumped up, pulling on his jacket and rushing out of the door.

ross sat alone, reading a book contently on his couch, before a buzz from the intercom interrupted his quiet evening.

"hello?" he answered, waiting to find out who was at the door. "it's lisgoe. let me in."

ross chuckled slightly, "why would i do that?"

"because i fucking said so." he was stern. not in a mood to be messed around with. and ross seemed to realise that.

the main door buzzed open and joseph raced to ross' apartment number, suddenly coming to a halt as he came eye to eye with ross who stood leaning smugly against the doorframe. "are we still not done here?" he said slyly, watching lisgoe's face as it washed over with anger.

"what is the matter with you, gaines? why aren't you intimidated by me?" his brows were furrowed and his fists were balled so tightly that his knuckles turned a pale white.

"why would i be intimidated by you?" he seemed genuinely confused. "i know that i don't owe you any money, so there's nothing to be afraid of." he smiled slightly, which made joseph's blood boil.

"you listen here," he inched up to ross, backing him into the door and staring deep into his eyes, his voice now so low and close to a whisper. "i spoke with my idiot coworkers, they did make a mistake and it turns out you're not in my debt. you should consider yourself extremely luck-"

"you came all the way here to tell me that?" ross interrupted, maintaining deep eye contact with the man who stood so close to him that he could feel his breath on his face.

"no!" lisgoe spat, grabbing ross' shoulders and pushing them into the door he was leaning against, frustration flowing through his veins. "i came here to make you aware of who you could've been dealing with. and who you just might be dealing with one day if you're not careful. i am one of the most powerful people in vasey, and i don't think you're taking this seriously enough."

ross breathed yet another sarcastic chuckle, still completely unphased by the insecure debt-collector. "why are you so annoyed that i'm not scared of you?"

lisgoe's grip on his shoulders loosened, dropping his hands to his sides. he took a step back and swallowed deeply, trying to process his question.

"i- i'm not." he stuttered, lying through his teeth. of course he was annoyed. he just couldn't understand why his usual scary behaviour didn't have the same affect on ross as it did with everyone else. he was intrigued, more than anything. ross was uninterested, which made him... irresistible, in a way. lisgoe wanted to make him interested.

"something wrong, lisgoe?" ross questioned, tilting his head and looking at the man with raised eyebrows.

"wipe that smug look off your face before i cut it off" he grumbled, revealing his small pocket-knife that he held in his blazer.

"okay. i just have one question for you," gaines began. "if you know i don't owe you money, and you're not annoyed at me, why are you stood here after-dark pointing a knife at me?"

"you just don't get it... do ya?" lisgoe sniggered, tucking the blade back into his pocket. "i thought you were supposed to be smart."

"well, no. i don't get it!" ross' voice raised slightly. "however i'd still say i'm smarter than you..." he mumbled.

"watch ya fuckin' mouth" joseph grimaced through gritted teeth. his eyes trailed over ross, flicking up and down before landing back on his face, making eye contact.

a heavy silence fell over the two of them, the atmosphere tense. ross swallowed hard as they stared at one another. "what...?" he almost stuttered, unable to read lisgoe's expression. the first time he ever let his guard down in front of lisgoe.

joseph approached him once again, closing the gap between them, breath hot on his face.

"you're so hard to read, gaines. like a closed book." he whispered, his words so quiet for only ross to hear. "...can you open yourself up to me?"

---

a/n: welllll there it is. wasn't really sure how to end it so it's kinda weak and rushed. like i say i'm inexperienced with character ships, but i enjoyed writing that (eventhough it was only short.)

there might be a part 2? if i can come up with any ideas or if you want to suggest anything for me!

[polutrope]

35. Bittersweet memories // for curufin and finrod because i NEED to know about their drama in this universe

Thanks for the prompt! Here's ~800 words of roommates (and cousins-by-adoption) Curufin and Finrod bickering and remembering. Rated T because Curufin has a potty mouth. Posting these to AO3, here. Prompt list (prompts closed). Beleria Cast of Characters

RESUME

Finrod F. Noldoran, MA nomnom13@gmail.com

WORK EXPERIENCE

Barista Cuppa Joy Café, Beleria November 2022 to Present Develop and deliver quality product and friendly service to build positive community relationships.

Global Relations Specialist Self-employed February to October 2022 Built community partnerships through immersive cultural experiences in the Hither Lands—

“Bullshit,” Curufin muttered to himself, and threw the paper down on the coffee table. “Finrod!” he called. “What the fuck is this?”

“Oh hey you’re home! What’s what?” his roommate called back from the bathroom. A moment later he emerged in his bathrobe and slippers, a towel wrapped around his head.

“Did you just wake up?” Curufin sneered.

“No, actually,” Finrod replied, then said briskly, “I was working on that resume you’ve just tossed aside all morning.”

Curufin huffed. “Global Relations Specialist? Backpacking around the Hither Lands isn’t a job, Fin.”

“Sure it is! Anyway, the resume is only a formality.” Finrod brightened and plopped himself down in the hideous antique armchair he refused to get rid of. “Mayor Singh-Goel — Elu — came by the coffee shop yesterday while I was working. We chatted a bit and got to talking about a new project the City is getting off the ground, to help low-income immigrants get situated in the community. I told Elu about my time in Dorthon with the refugee communities and about my Master’s thesis on the immigrants from east Endor. So!” Finrod slapped the armrests triumphantly. “He thinks I’d be perfect for the Project Coordinator role.”

“You’re kidding?” said Curufin. “You have no professional experience.”

“I have a Master’s degree!”

“In geography. And a Master’s degree doesn’t mean shit in the real world,” Curufin said. The audacity of this guy, he thought. “Also: you can’t lie on your resume.”

Finrod frowned. “It’s not a lie.” He picked up the paper. “I do build positive community relationships. With the community at Cuppa Joy.”

“You make oatmilk vanilla lattés for hipsters.”

“Same difference,” Finrod insisted. “It’s not lying, it’s just… creatively telling the truth. Anyway, I said: it doesn’t matter. The Mayor himself is going to recommend me for the position.”

Curufin rolled his eyes. Of course. Finrod always got what he wanted. Never had to work for a thing in his life, just smiled and asked for it and had the world handed to him on a platter. Meanwhile, Curufin had busted his ass to get where he was, owner of his own brewery at twenty-nine, raising a kid on his own. He was his big brother’s boss for chrissakes! Much to his ongoing annoyance…

“You don’t deserve it,” Curufin said. “Even Celegorm has more work experience than you.”

“Well!” Finrod said, heat rising in his tone. “Why don’t you tell Celegorm to apply!”

“Maybe I will.” Curufin smirked. It was always deeply satisfying to get his mild-mannered roommate riled up.

Rising from the chair, Finrod threw up his hands. “Don’t be ridiculous.” He shut the door to his bedroom a little more soundly than usual.

*

“You know,” said Finrod, sitting at the table later that day while Curufin was prepping dinner for Celebrimbor. Curufin had to work tonight so his son would be on his own. Well, with Finrod, but it’s not like Curufin was going to ask Finrod to feed him.

“We used to be friends in Valin,” Finrod finished.

“Not really,” Curufin said, and sliced through an onion.

“Yes, we did. In fact, I was just remembering that Yule when you and Alwen finally broke up. You remember? I came over and we watched stupid holiday movies and laughed at the terrible writing.”

Curufin did remember. It was Yule Eve and Celegorm wasn’t answering his texts. But he’d read them, because Aredhel told Turgon who told Finrod… who was the only person who texted him to ask how he was. And he’d abandoned his family’s festivities to come hang out with his sad sack cousin he barely knew.

“Yeah. I remember,” Curufin said, and sniffed.

“Are you crying?” said Finrod

“No.” Curufin brushed his eyes. “It’s the onion.”

“Right. Hey, why don’t you leave that? I’ll make something for Celebrimbor tonight. We could cook together!”

“No, I don’t want you to do that,” said Curufin.

“Why not? I have nothing better to do.”

“Yeah, well, he’s not your responsibility, and—”

“You don’t want to be in my debt,” Finrod supplied.

Curufin didn’t answer.

“Tell you what,” Finrod said cheerfully. “I’ll make dinner with Tyelpë tonight and you can help me with the resume, how about that?”

Curufin chuckled. “So I help you get a job you don’t deserve?”

“Yep!”

“Fine,” said Curufin, and scraped the chopped onion into a bowl. “You should start by getting a new email address. I can’t believe you’re still using nomnom13.”

[glamorouspixels]

We've reached the point where I need to ramble about uni again (apologies to everyone seeing this on their dash). I'm working on my BA thesis and getting ready to take the second of two final oral exams that make up the final assessment of my degree. I did the first in early July and it was the worst I've felt since my burnout year. It feels genuinely impossible to survive the second without losing more of myself in the process. I've sacrificed so much for this stupid degree. My life consists of nothing but studying and writing. My attention span has suffered so much that I can no longer read more than a couple of sentences with my eyes and rely on text-to-speech readers for almost everything. Reading fic is so hard even though I desperately want to do it, and I have several-hours-long gaps in my days every single day where I just sort of float through time because I'm too exhausted to make myself focus for another second.

And I just… I can't see myself surviving my Master's degree. It's only ("only") twenty courses compared to the sixty that made up my BA, but ten of them require you to write massive papers, and your final assessment once again consists of two (far bigger) oral exams and a fucking 85-page thesis. The only thing I know for certain is that I need to get out. I can't afford to do both my MA and my PhD abroad, and since the only place I can see myself surviving a full-time job is academia I need to do my MA here before I can leave. You're supposed to do all of the above in two years and it's taken me nine semesters to finish my BA instead of six. I don't want to be stuck here for another three to four years while I suffer through another degree that is so unnecessarily hard compared to degrees at the same level in other countries. I am so fucking tired of this bullshit.

Also, something else I can't really talk about has been happening on the side and making it even harder to push myself through the other stuff the way I normally would. The second anything bad happens, my mind goes to this one specific thing and place I want to go to for comfort, but I can't. It's made things so much harder these past few months. And I keep asking myself if the correct course of action would be to take said thing out of my life entirely because there is so much potential for future pain there and it's almost inevitable that something painful will happen at some point. But I don't want to give up something so incredible that makes me so happy either. Anyway I've been trying to cope by writing fics about it. I hope you guys like extremely comfort-focused hurt/comfort because that's what you'll be getting for the next couple of months 😅

[anxietyprime]

Welcome back to Anxiety Prime! Where I talk about my anxiety and just shout it out on here and hope it helps. It usually does, so here we are.

My brain is not in a good place right now, I've been sick for close to 3 weeks and finally feeling better the last few days. I dunno if just being sick or the additional meds and fucked up my mental state, but my anxiety has ramped up more; and the intrusive thoughts are back and it's been really difficult lately. My parents were both in the hospital last month and life has just not been going well lately.

Like I worry about being derivative of myself in my story I'm writing; because I wrote a one off line in the main story that I am now trying to fit in with one of the character's history. It just feels like this is what happened before with the character's son, now I want to do it again with the character's grandson? It seems repetitive and I dunno if it would bring anything to the story. I think I'll try to find something to make it flow better, whether I have to alter the event, the line, or exactly what happens. I kinda want to be done with writing this character's history because I've been writing it all year and it's been taking forever, I mean yes I barely write when I do take the time to write so yes it does take forever, because I make it take forever. It doesn't need to if I dedicate more time to it. The good part is all this history of this one character has world built most of the universe and now these broader concepts just need some fine-tuning to them.

Being sick and unable to help my family has made me really stressed out, because I don't want to get them sick. And some hard stuff has been happening and everyone has just been stressed out lately. It's been so bad some of my calming techniques I learned from Therapy haven't been working lately and I worry that I might have more mental health issues. I don't care for the intrusive thoughts and the little voice in my head telling me to hurt myself or cut off parts of my body. I don't know if this is dysphoria or not but it certainly feels like it. Like I still haven't figured out if I am bisexual or not, if I'm Non-binary or trans. Like are these thoughts a representation of my hatred or anger built up or are they just the voices in my head trying to mess with me.

I might have schizophrenia, but it might be just a lot of stress lately and there are so many things that I want to do and I'm just not doing any of it. Being sick for almost a month fucked over so much progress I wanted to do and that I couldn't do and I think that stress has built up waaay too much and I haven't done anything to relieve it. It's why I was having major anxiety and panic attacks. That me actually making progress the last couple days has actually helped me out immensely.

I also have to break these dark connections in my mind that connect to these intrusive thoughts, so they don't have a way to return. I probably need to talk to my therapist or take up meditation.

Also, in other thoughts about being Non-binary or LGBT+, I need to be sure about the whys on why I think I am, because I feel like I have a complex about wanting to feel special, and by being Trans, Non-binary, or Bisexual I would become a type of special again, because I have lost things that have made me special. I need to get over this complex, accept who I am, and not become something for an arbitrary reason; but for a real reason.

Other complexes I have involve not being over Ex-girlfriends or a girl I was pining over who hurt me emotionally. I need move past them to grow, I need to let go them; and any hope of getting back with them, because they aren't the people I fell in love with or thought I was in love with anymore.

Just writing down these thoughts have really helped and I remember looking back at my old journal entries thinking boy I was crazy and now I'm thinking maybe I wasn't as crazy because I got the crazy out of my head and onto paper or you know digital paper lol. Maybe writing out these serious and dangerous thoughts will help me move on and grow as a person and become more so the thoughts and voices can be less dangerous to me.

Also, my DMs are open, if you are struggling like I am; I wouldn't mind trying to help. Thanks for reading and I hope for improved mental health in the future for us struggling with it now.

[kayleafeon]

What to do when:

depressed

no motivation

have test on wednesday, midterm on thursday, quiz on friday that haven't studied for

have philosophy paper due friday already got week extension for haven't started yet

have computer science assignment due friday haven't started yet

can't start computer science assignment until past 4 completed, only done one so far

been sick for a week and and an extra weekend

mental health is trashed

completely torpedoed personal life a month ago over something really stupid

too anxious about everything to make progress on anything

also too anxious to talk to profs about struggling

can't even tell the whole story of why personal life torpedoed because of sensitive topics involved

no therapist and waitlists are 6 months+

have to go home and deal with family from friday evening through to wednesday morning next week, knowing they'll poke about personal life but not being able to explain fully because sensitive topics again

only real community you have is in the university city but not at the university and very far away from hometown with family

so overwhelmed you just shut down

can't stop deflecting and avoiding responsibilities

probably going to fail out of program

can't even care though because everything is meaningless and i don't even want to be in this program anyway

only reason i'm still here is because i like the program's student society and the ring that i get if i graduate

been spending money on lottery tickets instead of anything useful because the scratching noise is the only thing that calms you anymore

know that in posting this your sister and your ex might see it but don't know where else to go

could go to advice reddit but post would probably be removed by mods and/or people wouldn't give helpful advice

everything feels pointless anyway with world as it is atm

feel bad for not feeling worse about that and just being numb to it

also feel bad for not trying hard enough to make it better or to do better myself

kinda just want to stop existing but only to the point of somewhat reckless carelessness not any actual ideas

just need to write everything out somewhere because otherwise going to scream

also have doctor's appt next week that will change nothing because the family doctor is retiring and can't be bothered to switch medications, just increase dosages

which we've already tried twice and isn't helping btw

and this is how i'm feeling while on the antidepressants and adhd medication

only thing i actually want to do is sleep and kinda strangely donate blood but i can't do the latter for another 2 months

sounding increasingly unhinged as post continues

oh i guess i also want to play league but i've managed to stick to my conviction of not allowing kernel level anticheats on my laptops for almost a year and it's kinda the only thing i've got going for me at this point

missed out on the one community i enjoy's events for two events in a row because sick

writing this all during a cs lecture because i can't even pretend that i am focused or understand what's going on

know that this is probably enough info to doxx me but can't bring myself to care

kinda hope one of my classmates or profs find this

feel bad about eating out a lot because of public speaking presentation from yesterday

likewise about not exercising because of my own group's public speaking presentation from last week

need to respond to people who were going to play pandemic legacy campaign with me to say it's cancelled because im too depressed

also need to read stuff for philosophy class in <1 hour but can't be bothered

might just talk to my philosophy prof about everything because she's pretty chill and it's a small class and it's not required for me to graduate so i can always drop the class if needed

also really don't want to fail the term though because it would fuck up scheduling with the few people that i actually know and i would just be even more alone

wish i could just start on things before they were due but can't even manage that after failing two courses last term

why can't i make my stupid brain learn

i want to just live at home and sleep and do nothing all day but living at home is even more stressful because my mom is always making me clean stuff if i'm "not doing anything important" and gets mad if i say that i'm too mentally exhausted from existing

could just leave and go sleep at the park nearby but then i'd be too out in the open

esp seeing as that park is very interlinked with my trauma

but also just don't want to have to deal with any people at all whatsoever

desk leaving angry red marks on my forearms while i type but can't be bothered to change my position

wanna go back to before i had awareness of the world around me and/or quarantine times when staying home doing nothing was normal

hate hate hate adult life i don't want it why can't i just be a child of a billionaire who is set for life in terms of money but doesn't have to talk to anyone including parents

why can't i just motivate myself like everyone else

realize i sound very much like an angsty 14 year old and hate myself even more for it

how does everyone else manage

actually found myself staring at the kitchen knives at a convenience store and thinking about how relieving it would be to run the edge of one over my skin and let myself bleed just a little bit before realizing how fucked up that is and forcing myself to walk away from the aisle

don't understand how my mental health has gotten this bad, it doesn't make any sense

why is it worse now than when i figured out what had actually happened was traumatic i thought i had processed most of it why now why now why now it doesn't make sense

i just want everything to stop, just for a moment, please

If you have any advice please share because idk what to do atp.

[pwblogarchive]

July 2004

July 5, 2004

“Its Such A Joke How Every Song I Ever Write Is”

we’re getting close. i think we might do one more video for TTTYG. the song is gonna be one thats gonna suprise you, because its our favorite one off the record. if it happens, the band is gonna write the video and act in it- cross your fingers and we’ll see what goes down.

has anybody noticed how cliche, selfserving and overdamatic this journal has become? me too.

peter wentz- president of the FOB drama club

love never wanted me but i took it anyway. and there aint a pill that can keep you from my mind- there aint a siren that can keep me from your window. didn’t you hear the word on the streets? i’m getting by on obsession, baby.

p.s. my hair is now black, im here for your heart.

July 7, 2004

“And I Dont Care If Im Just Like The Boys I Trash In All These Songs…”

heard a bunch of the new academy record- you are gonna be suprised. dont sleep. this thing is good and not just in a “my friends are in this band” kind of good, i’d like it even if i didn’t know those geeks. they are like my little brothers. sorry i cut out of the show fast tonight. im not feeling so great about some friends lately. i don’t get “it” but i get it.

if you have any crazy home footage (like the time you and your brother glued yourselves together or whatever) send it to us. we are gonna include a section for it on the release the bats dvd- send it and a release (a piece of paper saying you release the footage and your image to be used by clandestine industries) to: Release the bats DVD at 900 forest. wilmette, il 60091- we need it this month. expect it to drop this fall around the TBS tour.

peter

we joked about the kids who used to be just like us- sick inside of their own skin.

i dropped an “i love you” thankgod it got caught in the wind.

you shouldnt have come back here alone. i’m a shark, baby. and theres blood in the water.

July 8, 2004

“Clip My Wings, I Don’t Deserve The Sky”

I must confess how much I love touring here and seeing old friends. Please come say hi.

I also must confess my serious ashlee simpson crush.

Peterabbit

July 12, 2004

“I Would Forgive You But You Could Never Forgive Yourself”

sooo. this half of tour has been hot. hot and fun. there has been lots of drama in my life. i apologize for being out of it. so st. louis- i got hot. i got delirious. i made some weird decisions. i smashed a bass. said weird stuff. left the stage. threw up. asked bill from the academy to get me some FOB booty shorts and tell the crowd i quit fall out boy. then i yelled into a megaphone. got into skimpy shorts and ran around on stage playing.

Oh yeah all these ideas seemed really funny at the time, now not so funny.

i apologize for anyone who had to see my legs in shorts.

that was the hottest i have ever been in my entire life.

peter

texas is the reason.

July 14, 2004

“Which One Is It Gonna Be The Smile Or The Voice Cause You Can’t Have Both”

For some reason texas air feels right on my lungs. I can’t wait to hit the coast. The stars out here are playing jokes on me. These shows have felt pretty good too. Me and patrick wrote a new one today, it gonna make you dance.

July 15, 2004

its been awhile. i apologize. i can't say i haven't missed you. i need to write more. i think i start to lose it otherwise.

sometimes it all just feels so fucking on. if you don't get that, i'm sorry i cant explain it. 

seeing this country in the summer in a van leaves me breathless. get off the computer and go out and fall in love with someone or something.

you gotta know you have my heart.

- petey

July 15, 2004

“Its Like Chris Said”

New mexico was great for never having been there before. People were so welcoming. I got electrocuted. That was not so great. I’ve got to stop reading the internet, it bums me out a lot. Okay I’m through with (me) all the complaining. I feel like I am holding my breath all the time. A nervous stuttering wreck, and then you don’t like me anyway. I’ve got it figured out, none of it matters. Either: you love to hate me or you hate to love me. But for the record you are my favorites anyway.

Love peter Oh yeah. Hey j.m. Remember that boy I was always nervous about you hanging out with, the one I hated? When did I become him? I dunno, but I did. I’m sorry. For the record I hope you’re doing alright.

July 16, 2004

There’s a part of me that thinks that things might turn out alright. But there’s another part that hopes you didn’t leave your hotel key between pages of the bible iin the drawer.

- petey

July 16, 2004

“Nobody Puts Pete The Baby In The Corner”

Sometimes I just write when I am in a bad mood. And often what comes out is trite and depressing. I am sorry. As I sit here with my posture clearly indicating hours on a glowing screen filled with meaningless words, my middle finger calloused and crooked from writing for hours a day in a notebook that seems filled as soon as a new one it bought. With this keyboard I take AIM on nothing and don’t really care. My wrists feel like they’d slit themselves if I let them, they want out (so do I). Then I remind myself I am out with my bestfriends and having the time of my life. My hotel room was next to a palm tree,

I slept well and dream free.

That was me beng a baby. It happens. You have all always been so nice so don’t even sweat it. Just deal with me getting “emo” sometimes.

P

July 18, 2004

A lot of people have been asking for this. Here’s a bit from our new song- we don’t take hits, we write them….

Find myself on the street out in front of your house so you can kiss safe thoughts good bye. I’m coming up to break your heart. You’re sleeping with the light on like you’re dying to be found out.

I need to take a break from the internet for awhile. I think you’re getting to me love.

- petey

July 18, 2004

“This Place Is A Prison And These People Aren’t Your Friends”

I heard somebody once say “if you love something set it free”

But we’re doomed to crash with these clipped wings

July 25, 2004

“I Aint Dropping No Sympathy… On You Cause Youre Living Lives Way Too Complete For Me…”

its only always been about dropping tears and names. its just a song. so forget all the questions. the stories getting old - but we’ll always be the homewreckers with the hearts of gold.

dont believe in someone who never believed in anything.

July 25, 2004

“No Time For Love, Dr. Jones, We Got Trouble”

I’m gonna miss california. This trip to the west coast was what I needed.

Peter

July 27, 2004

“Status Report”

Lots going on. We’re gonna miss the west coast…. Also. Were gonna have some new merch for warped tour: a shirt that has 8 of our early shirts on it for the collectors, a fob drama club shirt, scene point pins and more. So come by and check it out. Secondly, we aren’t/didn’t play warped in your town because they didn’t ask us to not because we didn’t want to so don’t believe the hype.

Also, our friends in gym class heroes will be playing the bnd tour with us on august 1 in davenport, iowa and then I am setting up a show again for them in chicago on august 3, so come check them out. They are the next big thing, better than atmosphere.

Lastly, I guess some people have told the guys in new found glory we were shittalking them in our dvd. That is the farthest thing from the truth. I knew chad when he was in shai hulud and have always looked up to nfg. That is a band that did it right and I have more respect for than any other band in our genre. We goofed around on a video three years ago to try and trick some girl. That’s it. No drama. So if you are going to warped before we get on it, stop by nfg and tell them fall out boy loves them for us.

There’s no other band out there that did it like them.

Didn’t we tell you the fob drama club was in full effect.

Pete

July 30, 2004

after awhile when you bounce back and forth between different hearts nothing gets old. you never really have to mean anything to anyone. i have intimacy problems with the world. her eyes are blackened around the edges so much that she looks like a racoon. they look like permenant black eyes- the consumate victim. everybody loves the victim. he can’t put his finger on what it reminds him of but the closest he can come are old zombie movies. she’s made-up to look half dead- which still beats most of them who are just half-alive anyway. her hair looked like rows of shark teeth dyed over dye jobs like she was running away from her natural color. noone wants to be what they are. she looks independent in a very vulnerable way. the safest kind of dangerous. we drove around the city so she could alternate between cigarettes and coffee. we talk about the kids we hate just so we have something to agree about. they used to be just like us. we’re sitting on the edge of her bed. every single inch on your body is filled with millions of nerves. somewhere inside your brain neurons have fired to synapses and put them on alert. when your hands brush hers it feels electric. every movement has a meaning, either yes or no. its getting later and later. the conversation and the possibilities are running out. last call. this is a war. everytime she moves her hand to her hair she is sending you signals. stay or leave. why can’t you figure them out. don’t strike first. wait until you are tired enough to make a move. lean in to kiss her bringing an awkward break in conversation. as you pull back she keeps talking about writers and bands she thinks will make her look cooler. but your fooled if only because you are worried she has found you out. push your tongue into her mouth too keep the right words from spilling out. her sheets smell like stale cigarettes smoked by boys who were me on nights before. she has a body that is built for sex. the kind a kid like me wouldn’t know what to do with if we had half the chance. imagine the chemistry of swallowed DNA. she has a scar that runs down her back right along the spine, like somebody tried to steal it. i joked her like this: “someone must have ignored the blue prints, look at all the structural damage”. but i stuttered and trailed off. the smoke curled off of her lips. for a second i was dying to be it. dying to be as clever and kissable as her. there she was sitting in front of me, knee pulled up to to her chin. smoking a cigarrette thinking of something or someone else. and thats how she will be stuck in my mind forever. two explorers in the dark, mapless and hopeless. alone together. its funny how easy it is to sleep with someone, but how hard it is to sleep next to someone. it’s too intimate. it makes my heartbeat race and pound inside my head. it is deafening. i slide my arm from behind her head and slip out the door. the pavement on the sidewalk is watching me go over every moment in my head. it’s watching me remember you. mistake by mistake. frame by frame. we’re not just taking trips down memory lane, we are broken down on it.

- petey

July 30, 2004

“Gbet Down With A Sickness”

i am sick. colorado was insane. sorry the show sold out so quickly, we had no idea. somebody bring me some fireworks to the iowa shows so i can shoot them at people and feel better. this is a part of this other book i have been working on: www.fueledbyramen.com/journal its a bit different than the boy with the thorn in his side.

you have no idea.

peter

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 1993 I just had an awesome idea and believe me, I’ll be one pissed puppy if it doesn’t work. Well, I’ve been wanting very much to type in my journals here and there. Of course, I cannot fit the book into the roller, so I thought maybe I’d cut some pages out, then staple them, then glue or tape them back in, but that may be hard to do. Maybe what I could do instead, is type on other paper, cut to the size of the pages in here, then glue those in. Why not? It’d be something different for a change and that can’t hurt. I’ve highlighted the entry dates of the first 20 journals. I also have a lot to tell, so I’ll go cut paper and begin typing some stuff.

Later…

I’m not gonna type too much after all cuz I’m getting very tired. Will I sleep? I don’t know, but today I sure didn’t sleep much. Those fucking lawnmowers! How nice it is to know that that’s my last morning having to listen to that shit.

To pick up in order from where I left off, well, I was sure to knock on the door a few times here and there for the bitch next door. This is last night.

When I got up yesterday I called food stamps and told them of my new address. They’re gonna send some stuff in the mail. I still need to call SS and some of my friends to let them have my new phone number. The 863 prefix is the same one Bob had in Turners Falls. I tried to get the last 4 digits to be 1994, but I was told that if she had it, it’d be considered a custom number and that there’d be a charge for it, so I forgot about it. I know good things are going to happen in ’94.

I called to let Tammy know my new address and number and Bill answered. He was all giggly and happy about who knows what, then he jokingly calls out, “Hey Tammy, the stripper’s on!”

I got this kit in the mail under a phony name. It’s got lots of colored photos and all kinds of animals and stories about them. I also got a Passover card in the mail from Mom and Dad.

I went over at one point to pick up Andy’s laundry and he was on the phone long distance. I was a bit annoyed cuz he said he had it ready, so I slammed my way out of his place and back into mine. Next door oughta have loved that as I knew she was in bed and her lights were off and her truck was outside.

The next minute my phone rang and I expected it to be Andy. I said, “What! I thought you were gonna stick it in the door and I’d just quickly come in and grab it and then you could go back to your phone call.”

It was Dad saying something about sticking something somewhere. I was cracking up cuz I wasn’t expecting a call from him. I did leave them a message, but they’re not usually up at 12:30 (their time). I talked to both of them, and yes, Ma acted like the fight we had over the phone never happened. I gave them the number and address.

After that, I went over to get his laundry and I made really sure to slam my way in and out of here.

Andy was up later than he thought he’d be and he called me with a great idea. An apartment complex has a maintenance number to call where you punch in your number, so I punched in Andi’s. I also knocked really loud and clear at 1:30. Even Andy could hear that real well. He could hear it through the walls as well as through the phone.

Scott stopped up earlier but only for a second. He was in the truck that’s gonna move me which is a huge pickup. One of his employees was driving and he’ll be helping with the move. I’ll probably be moving this weekend.

I had a nice, yet strange conversation with Keri today at Crystal Creek, but I’ll write about it another time.

My folks didn’t have too many questions about the new apartment, as happy as I know they are for me. It sounds like Tammy told them about it. I left a message saying it was a 900-square-foot, 2-bedroom/1-bath but they never asked me how much the rent was.

I’m gonna listen to music now and try my damnedest to fall asleep. I’ll expand on other little things some other time.

TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 1993 The lawnmowers never came today, but sure enough, it was made up for. At 11:30, I was woken up (I went to bed at 5:30) by banging below me. I was thinking Stacey or someone else with her went into Dave’s place knowing he wasn’t home to bang his bedroom ceiling under my bed. I’m not sure if this was the case, but like they have one problem after another, a main pipe broke today. We had no water for about 10 hours. Tomorrow will be the lawnmowers and if the next day isn’t the parking lot sweepers, it’ll be something else.

I have great news about the apartment, but I’ll write about it later.

Later…

God, I wish this cold would quit and give it up!

Right after I was kindly woken up, I paged Scott who called right back. He told me he found out I owed money on a $66 electric bill in MA. I never knew I had an outstanding bill with the electric company in MA, so obviously it was a fuck-up, thanks to fuel assistance.

I spoke with a really nice girl named Keri at the office who so kindly broke the rules to give me the information I needed. She said don’t tell anyone cuz her manager would be upset. I’m going to write a check to the electric company and give it to Keri who’s gonna mail it off for me. She’ll photocopy the check for proof that I’ve cleared it up. I get a feeling that the girls in this office will all be as nice as Paula and Judy. I hope so.

I will be moving Thursday, Friday or Saturday and I called SRP and APS. APS is the electric company there and I must bring them a deposit of $117. Scott’s helping me financially with the first month and I’ll type for him.

Tomorrow I must call the phone company, as well as food stamps and SS. I already filled out a change of address form. My mail will go over there this Saturday. He has a truck and people to help me move.

MONDAY, MARCH 29, 1993 Naturally, I’m wide awake and probably will be for hours to come. Maybe it’ll be a little peaceful around here tomorrow as far as the lawnmowers are concerned. It’s raining. If I move on the 1st, I hope it rains all the way through till when I get over there. Keeps the lawnmowers away, as well as the parking lot sweepers which are due to return any day.

Everyone’s vibes are different. Andy feels me staying till my lease is up (although that’s what he’d want). Kara says the second week of April. John says April 1st with a slight possibility of April 2nd. I don’t know what to feel, but put it this way - do I feel myself being here in May? No, thank fucking God.

I called John earlier and we chatted a bit. Tomorrow he’ll call Stacey.

I also called Nervous to play a little detective for me. This is gonna sound funny but it’s been picking at me for some time now. When I was living on Oswego St. in 1987 or 1988, Tammy “slipped” and told me a little secret. My sister’s 35 and I’m 27 and so she says that after she was born and before I was born, mom had a miscarriage. My question is, why is it such a big secret? Why the cover-up? Lots of women have miscarriages. I questioned mom about it and she flat-out refused to discuss it. She pulled her “easy way out” line telling me she never looks back on her past. This is why she stayed screwed up year after year. Cuz she never had the guts to admit, face, and deal with her past to help deal with the future. My mother’s a rather weak individual, I’m sorry to say.

A number of things went through my mind. It could be a number of things. Lots of things back then were covered up and hidden. Today more things are exposed and talked about. Stuff like rape, child abuse (emotional, physical and sexual), domestic abuse, adultery and divorce. The woman could’ve been raped. She could’ve had an affair even though I’m 99.9% sure neither one of them ever did. But people are learning, including myself, never to be so sure and take anything for granted. Even those you least expect to do whatever can surprise you.

I remember my sister-in-law Sandy. She was 8 months pregnant and got in a car accident. It was stillborn, but under the Jewish laws (I guess) it was “old enough” to be named and buried. I think it was Sarah Ann. Could something like this have happened to my mom? It could all mean nothing, but my gut tells me to check it out anyway. Nervous is gonna check the gravesite.

SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 1993 What in the world happened to Scott!? Early this afternoon we were supposed to pay a lovely visit to the credit company. After only 4 hours of sleep, I paged him at noon and I’ve never heard from him all damn day. The guy must’ve been super busy. I hope nothing’s wrong.

I am so tired, but just too restless to sleep. I need to sleep badly, too.

Kara was cracking up when I told her about my going off on Andi for 3 hours. I only heard her at 9:30 tonight for about 10 minutes. She’d better be really fucking quiet tomorrow.

I want to hurry up and get this move over with. My only fear is finding some sort of nasty surprise there, but Scott’s been there long enough, so if he says it’s quiet, it’s quiet. It’s just that noise seems to go where I go.

I’m definitely gonna ignore my neighbors, but I’d like to maybe know who’s below me and next to me. Scott has two apartments next to him on both sides of him. I have only 1 apartment next to me. They’re between Scott and me.

John’s gonna call Stacey Mon., but it’s obvious she doesn’t want a subleaser in here. She cares more that I stay than for John to move in and pay a little over $300, whereas I pay $277. Hey, it’s her loss, not mine.

Later…

I am now in one hell of a foul mood. I’m tired of this fucking waiting game. There have been too many places I’ve been psyched to leave and had to play the fucking waiting game. I should just stop waiting and stop trying to get out of here. If I’m not moved by the 1st I’ll go get my $70 and look for a place that does no credit check.

And also, if I don’t get to L.A. by May, I’m not going at all.

Scott called today from the airport. He flew in with some attorneys for a meeting once again with the IRS. I know this guy is busy, but I can’t handle the stress of waiting and hoping. I’m just gonna have to be here for a while and deal with the bitch next door. She was quiet yesterday, but today the butch had 7 people over from 1:30-5:30. These two kids were slamming her door and screaming outside, throwing rocks. At one point I went down to Mary’s as she was taking me to the store. I slammed her door 4 times cuz we’re both so fucking fed up with her. When we returned I called Mary a little later. She said Andi went down and said to Mary, “I hope you weren’t slamming the door in regards to me. I have nothing against you. I don’t care about the one next door, but I hope we don’t have any problems.”

Mary told her the truth; that she was fed up with the slamming and the banging. Mary was trying to study.

She said Andi said, “Yeah, I understand that but I already told the kids about the door.”

Yeah, well the “one next door” has a hell of a treatment in store for her, but I’ll write about it later. If I’m stuck here, she’s gonna have to shut the fuck up and stay that way. I even called the cops, especially cuz I wanted a police report, but they split right after I called. So, I called 911 back and told them to cancel.

Why doesn’t this bitch just go on vacation? She told me she was gonna for many weeks when I first moved in here, so what happened? I wish she’d either go on vacation or get stuck in the hospital for a while. A broken bone may do that, and I’ve got one plan. Anyone who knows that for me to resort to such an extreme, I’ve gotta be pissed! I’ve had enough! She’s gonna be mincemeat!!

SATURDAY, MARCH 27, 1993 At 11:00 I fell asleep and I awoke at 1:00. I’m coughing and congested, so I took that raunchy-tasting cough syrup. It’s made me very drowsy so hopefully, I’ll fall back asleep soon. I’m very tired and I’m gonna need my sleep with the way weekends are so noisy here.

I just spoke to John and he called the office today asking for Stacey. Judy said she wasn’t there. He’ll call back tomorrow to speak to Judy or Paula, but I don’t think John’s gonna live here. That may be for the better, though.

John’s birthday is April 2nd and I want to get or make him a card. He really is a good friend and I’m glad I met him.

Not the Friday that just went by but Friday last week, I went to Scott’s complex in the early afternoon. I brought my work stuff with me. I filled out an application at the office and that’s when I was shown the apartment I put down $70 to hold it. One problem, though. When she ran my credit check she said I owe someone money. By law, even though it’s my credit report, she couldn’t say who it was or how much. She did say it was one thing and nothing drastic. She gave me the name of Credit Data Southwest to get it cleared up, as the girl who applied for the same apartment wasn’t likely to get it. She said things don’t look too good for this girl.

I have no idea what it is, but I have a few theories. It could be stuff I’ve ordered through the mail, which Scott says they can’t prove. It could also be from when I was in the ER in Norwich. They always screw up their billing and of course, I have Medicaid and Medicare. Two days ago Scott and I drove around looking for the place, but by the time we found it, it was closed. Tomorrow afternoon we’re gonna go to this place and I sure as hell hope it can be cleared up quickly cuz as of today, my apartment is ready. I must transfer my phone, electricity, food stamps and call good old SS. Gotta call my bank, too.

So, the day I saw the apartment, Scott took me to work and picked me up. I was gonna stay overnight there to see how quiet it is, but I couldn’t breathe. His roommate and his girlfriend were asleep, but I could smell the stench of mold coming from their room. There’d been a leak in the ceiling in there which had molded and it was to be taken care of the next day. Plus, these people are slobs and he’s finally kicking them out. Lastly, I can’t handle being around more than one cat.

So, during the two hours I was there, we ate hot dogs and he showed me his stamp collection and his drawings. Then, he drove me home.

His cat is a female that’s gray. My cat’s all black. A male cat and he’s gonna get it neutered and declawed. His cat’s spayed and declawed. My cat (Mystery) is very lovable and friendly. I miss having a cat. God answered my prayers on that one. While I’m asleep he can stay in the spare bedroom.

Scott repairs government homes that people lost due to drug busts or cuz they weren’t making their mortgage payments. This is why he can get lots of furniture for free. I sure do miss my soft full-wave waterbed and he says every 1 out of 4 homes has one. That’ll be great and I’ll put this twin bed in the spare bedroom. Meanwhile, he gave me a beanbag (he had 3). He’s also gonna put a ceiling fan in my bedroom.

Later…

I am extremely exhausted. Scott never called and I tried paging him, too.

Kara came over for the first time in a month. She made us coffee and we listened to some tapes. She brought cigarettes, too. She also killed a spider and checked and Windexed my kitchen window. I have not had the guts to open it since I found that huge spider. There was a hole in the screen that she taped.

I had a very nice chat with my niece Lisa, too.

FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 1993 Well, I guess John must have gotten busy at work at Circle K. He hasn’t called back yet. He works part-time at Circle K which is like a 7/11 convenience store. He also drives the cab part-time. He’s gonna call the office tomorrow and ask Stacey why she lied to me about his coming in to take my apartment Knowing her, she’ll be like, “Oh, I recognize you and we did speak as I now recall. Your application was accidentally misplaced.”

Believe it or not, I’m sort of developing a crush on Stacey. She’s getting awfully fun to play with. And go off on. Especially when I know I can get away with it. She gets a kick out of it and about 4 nights ago I came up with a great idea. I said to myself, “OK, Stacey. You wanna play? I can play and bullshit right back.”

At 2:30 in the morning last Monday or Tuesday, I called the office knowing I’d get the machine. This is what I said: “Hi, this is Jodi and this message is for Stacey. Thank you so much for the stuff you left outside my door. I just got home and discovered it. I was shocked, but that was very nice of you as I just ran out of the brand I usually use.”

I was referring to the hair stuff, of course, and I figured she’d ask about it out of normal curiosity. I would’ve said what it was and that a card, which I already threw out with the garbage had been attached saying: From Stacey, at the VV office.

Amazingly enough, she never ever questioned me to find out just what in the hell I was talking about. Not even when I went into the office today to get my collector’s plate that came in the mail. Only she and Judy were there at that time. Maybe she didn’t want to bring it up in front of Judy.

I noticed Judy’s hair was up in a banana clip, so after half an hour I returned with one I don’t want. They get stuck in my hair so I gave them to her. Stacey was talking to an old man who lives here.

I’d have had 3 plates, but I only have two cuz one broke. I have a cat looking into a mirror and one of a little girl looking into a pond with flowers all around her. The one that broke was of a white Angora cat surrounded by purple flowers.

Later…

I wish my cold would hurry up and pass. At least this time it’s a cold and not the flu and the fever’s gone, but my throat is still a little sore. I’m also very very congested. Damn, I wish I could quit smoking! I’m trapped till I die on that one, though.

At around 5:30, I fell asleep and I woke up to the thunderstorm we had at noon. That’s fine with me, though. It’s pouring pretty heavily out there now and it’s chilly. It’s about 15º cooler than it has been. A pretty drastic change from how it’s been the last month. At least it’s not constantly changing every day like New England weather does.

There are only two things I don’t like about my new apartment I have no glass sliding shower door. I have to get a shower curtain that blows all around and sticks to you. There’s also no roof above my patio. Here I can usually leave my door open during the rain, but there I won’t be able to. At least it does not rain too often here, so I can leave my windows open while I’m asleep or out and not have to worry.

Anyway, let me back up to a couple of weeks ago. I think, but I’m not sure, it was a Friday night that I’d reached my final straw with the bitch next door banging. I said that’s it! I’m gonna give it right back. I screamed and pounded the walls for nearly 3 hours.

Mary and Dave were sitting outside talking. Mary explained to Dave why I was going off cuz right before I did, I called her to tell her what was coming.

The next day Dave left a note by my door. It said: I heard you last night and I’m sorry someone disturbed your sleep. I understand as I used to work 2nd and 3rd shifts. I was playing music and burning candles and incense. If this bothers you, please call me.

He gave me his number and I called and left a message explaining the ass next door.

Ever since that night, she’s been much quieter. I mean, like 90% quieter.

Mary’s been up a few times and we’ve also chatted on the steps, so I’m sure she’s overheard exactly how I feel. Also, anytime she tap dances, I’m gonna dance right back.

I don’t know if I wrote about this, but a week or so ago, I called one of the two maintenance numbers here, so whoever was to answer wouldn’t recognize my voice. I said, “This is Andrea C and my toilet’s overflowing and there’s water everywhere.” A half-hour later, one of the guys knocked, but I don’t think she answered. I’m sure it woke her up, though.

Dave downstairs is an excellent neighbor. I only woke up once to his closet door, but I nicely explained how well that can rock the place on his machine. One night we got to chatting for a while and he invited me down for some pizza. That was nice. He also called last night to see if I’d be awake at 5:30. He’s having a woman with a little monster come over. He said to call if it gets to be too much, but I think I can handle it knowing I’m moving and I am awake. Drowsy cuz of my cough syrup, but awake.

Later…

I still presently have a few more subjects to write about that I left off with in the previous journal. However, this cold is still nagging me, so I’ll probably write later.

My stomach is growling for food. I’m gonna go eat now as at least I have somewhat of an appetite. Then, I’ll watch TV, listen to music and write letters. Probably yack on the phone, too.

Later…

I am watching America’s Most Wanted now.

I spoke to Tammy earlier and I’m gonna have Scott call her. She’s in a really desperate financial crisis now. Maybe she can type for him.

I’m disappointed that it’s only a myth that exotic dancers make big bucks. Maybe in Vegas or Hollywood, but not here too often. I know all the girls bitch about how little they usually make and that it’s not just me. I wish it was me, though, so I could correct whatever was wrong.

Well, I’m gonna go continue with my TV shows and I’ll write later.

THURSDAY, MARCH 25, 1993 I am so happy and so pissed at the same time.

I’ve had my final straw with Stacey and she’s gonna get it good this time. Last week John decided to sublease my apartment We called Stacey and she said to come pick up an application. I did and gave it to John one night when he picked me up from work. He called me and told me he filled it out, brought it to the office, spoke briefly with Stacey, and was told she’d process it. I began to have a funny feeling about Stacey fucking with any subleasers to try to keep me here. I called and all 3 girls told me John never came in. But I know John wouldn’t lie and he described what Stacey looks like. That fucking bitch! I’m gonna do just what Scott told me to do. Go in the office with John and have her tell us to our faces that he never came in. You’d think that with the way I’ve gone off on them so many times for so many reasons, they’d say, “We don’t want a bitch like her here.” I know exactly why Stacey wants to keep me here. For one or both of the following reasons. To irk me, as she knows I do not like it here and why. I told her I was fully aware of her ordering Gordy to yack really loud outside my window early in the morning, not that I’d expect her to admit it. I also told her that with or without a subleaser, I’m out of here. Overall I’ve been pretty lucky with neighbors (at least back east I was when you get the NHA out of the picture), but with landlords and apartment managers, it’s been a whole different ball game. If it was the other way around and they knew I loved it here, I bet she’d try to evict me. I’m literally her fucking source of entertainment. She gets off on me going off.

I have another possible motivation on her part which others suggested to me when she pulled her first episode with me last October. I think it’s a combination of both, though. I’ve heard she’s married, but even if she wasn’t and if she were attracted to a female, she’s too conservative to act on it. She surely seems the type who could never bring herself to go with a woman no matter how much she was attracted to them. Maybe I’m the first one, she’s not used to the feeling, and it’s freaking her out. When people can’t act on their attraction and get positive attention, they’ll try getting negative attention. People desperate for sex or friendship like Nervous, Fran and Ellie surely do stuff like that. But Stacey is a different kind in that same group of people. To tell you the truth, I’d be somewhat flattered if she liked me. She’s no one I’d ever have a relationship with because she’s too much of a bitch, but I’d have sex with her.

Last Friday Scott took me to his complex to fill out an application for a 1-bedroom, but there were no top-floor 1-bedrooms available. All they had were first and second floors. No way. So, the subject of a 2-bedroom/1 bath came up for $500 a month. Even if I made $600 a month at work, plus my $444, I could swing the rent, electricity and phone. However, Scott will be paying $200 of my rent for me to type for him. This is good anyway, as SS would surely wonder how I can pay $500 for rent, plus the electricity and phone out of $444 a month. The rental lease to prove what my rent is can easily be changed. I simply white out the $500 and reprint $325. Then, I photocopy it.

So, I saw a vacant apartment two doors away from Scott’s that’ll be ready on the 27th of this month. It’s gorgeous! It’s about 900 square feet and it’s sort of laid out like the 2-bedrooms here. The master bedroom is by the highway which is fine with me as highway noise is kind of soothing. The other bedroom’s at the opposite end of the apartment on the other side of the building, and yes it’s even closer to the pool. That’s OK, though, as where I’m gonna sleep is far from the pool and that’s where the highway noise is. At the other end of the apartment where the other bedroom is, are the sounds of the waterfalls. It’s a very long apartment and the kitchen is sort of like the ones here in the 1- and 2-bedrooms. It’s wider and you can reach through and over a counter into the living room. Sort of like a little bar-like thing, and I want to get stools. The other wall’s solid cuz behind it is outside.

The security guard lives below me and is on a night schedule, too. The office is next to me, but not directly attached to me. They’re on the ground at an angle. There’s someone next to me on the side where my kitchen and living room wall is, but it’s fine as the wall’s solid concrete. Also, the apartment’s so big that they’re not right next to you. In this studio building, everyone’s next to each other cuz the apartments are so small and so close. It’s like living in a house here, rather than your own apartment

There’s no way I’ll be so able to hear footsteps and banging so much. Even if there were a kid next to me, although I prefer there not to be, it wouldn’t be such a problem.

My apartment is even bigger than Scott’s cuz he loses the extra space in his second bathroom. I make it up in living room space. His stairs are on the poolside of the building. Mine are on the highway side. I have a huge sliding glass door at the end of the living room. One window in the master bedroom and two in the other. They’re corner windows close together and it’s so cool looking. One goes directly outside and the other onto my patio. My storage closet’s not on my patio. It’s right outside my front door, but that’s fine in case I encounter any unwanted visitors in it. Easier to sweep it out, too. It’s locked, but I’ll be sure I don’t put any valuables in it.

Later…

In half an hour or so from now, John will be calling, so I’ll write till then. Andy will probably call, too. At the same time as everything happens at once. While I was in the shower today, Andy, Scott, and some magazine publisher called.

Once again I questioned Andy about the hair care products and TV guide left by my door. He swears he has no idea about it. No clue at all. It makes no sense that someone I know wouldn’t tell me if they left it. It also makes no sense for a stranger to drop it by my door. Only people who know me know my hair is my life and that I use TV guides. My TV guides now come in the mail.

Thank God Pete, our regular mailman is back.

Andy played me a message Velma left him for me. It said, “Tell your friend I will order a straightening iron for $14.95 if she wants.” Just as I was about to say something, Andy asked what I was about to say. A straightening iron (especially a rare kind hardly ever sold in stores) costs from $20-$30, so this is her way of settling fairly with me. I told Andy to tell her that I’ll tell him when to have it ordered some time after I move.

I guess Andy just had a money problem with Velma, too. He’s using some furniture of hers. A double bed, a TV stand, small table, two chairs, and that big chair. She said she’s selling it to him for $175 and she wants $85 of it now! He told her he didn’t have $85 on him even though $175 is a great price for all the furniture. So, she whined, bitched and complained, taking it oh so personally. Then Velma bitched about her phone being disconnected. Andy asked why not take all that money she has in her Cadillac fund, but she wouldn’t budge.

TUESDAY, MARCH 23, 1993 I have an awful lot to write about so I’ll get a move on it.

Once again I’ve been cursed with the flu. I am feverish with a sore throat, but at least I’m not puking. The doctor called in stuff for my flu and my pap results came back OK. Thank God.

Angel and Brian took me food shopping yesterday.

Oh, on the 16th I was hired at the Mile High and I worked Thursday and Friday. Shockingly and disappointingly enough, the money’s no better than Sha Na Na’s. At least the girls are nice and there’s no tip out. All I do is tip the DJ 10% of what I make. I’ll also save on my $5 cab fares whenever the hell I move cuz Scott can usually drive me.

I really want Scott and Andy to sit down and talk about all the stuff Scott’s told me. Andy feels Scott’s too good to be true, but he’s that way with everyone. Plus, if I had any funny feelings I’d have walked away and never gotten involved. He’s also had plenty of chances to hurt me if he were that way. When Andy first met Scott, even he was saying how cool a person he seems. There are a lot of interesting things to be written about Scott which I’ll do another time. In the meantime, do I think he’s gonna rape me? No. Do I think he’s gonna drop off the face of this earth? No. And even if he did, with my $444 from SS and $600 - $800 from the Mile High, I can swing my rent at Crystal Creek. I also met Scott’s parents at their retirement home.

I know why Andy’s acting this way. He does this whenever things go well for me and people do things for me he wishes they would do for him. He’s both happy for me as well as jealous. I’m moving earlier and then there’s Capitol. Speaking of that, he’s had 3 posters made up of the picture I gave him. It normally costs $1,000 but since he knows a photographer, he’s paying $500. That is very kind of him. I said really loud in the bar, “You paid $500 to have me blown up!” Some people got a kick outa that one!

Bob’s getting into envelope decorations, too. How nice. He’s sent 3 so far. Fran got the 3 journals. I’ll write more later. I am just too feverish and dizzy right now to sit up and write.

THURSDAY, MARCH 18, 1993 I just killed a spider and decided to write now. I need to stay up till at least 2:00 cuz I don’t want to wake up earlier than 10:00. I just paged John and Scott, but I got no calls yet.

Yesterday after Andy and I had T-bone steaks, stuffing, and corn here for dinner, I scrubbed down the kitchen area, but I need to dust, vacuum and clean the bathroom.

Scott was over about 5 nights ago. He’s dealing with undependable elderly people, trying to get them into my place. He knows tons of people but he hasn’t got the time to contact them about getting in here.

I let him hear some edits as well as a few of his own that I edited from messages he left me.

He talked to Bill about a picture of me. Bill said he’s only interested in the voice, but promotions may want to see if the “girl” is marketable. I gave Scott one of me in a black dress. Behind me were the blinds on my sliding glass door. He knows a photographer personally and he’s gonna have it blown up and have the blinds taken out and an ocean replaced as my background.

Last night I spoke to John. He wants out of his place, as the people above him stomp on his head all day. He’s gonna let me know about taking over my place, but I don’t have a great vibe on that one.

A couple of days ago Andy called me wanting me to hear a message someone left him to see if I knew who it was. All she said was, “Hi, talk to you later.” I said it sounded like Ellie’s voice. He agreed. So, yesterday afternoon he told me he was over at her place trying to convince her to call me, but she wouldn’t. He called me after and said her place was wide open (patio door & window) and he could’ve easily climbed down into her patio which is partially underground like a cellar. Then, he suggested we go over there and we did.

She flipped and ran into her bedroom and shut the bedroom door. All the while screaming mainly at me. I told him to climb into her place, but cuz it was broad daylight he wouldn’t. We ran to her bedroom window trying to convince her to call me, but she kept running at the mouth.

We left and we agreed he’d go to her place and that he’d call me. She will invite him in, too. I only hope she doesn’t have blocks, as she seems the type who’d get them. Meanwhile, we got her apartment number. I never knew her last name which I guess begins with a C. That’s OK, though, cuz as long as I got her apartment number I’ll type Eloisa and a last name beginning with a C.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17, 1993 As of yesterday, Andy’s been here for two years. I’ve been here 9 months and 8 days.

I have so many topics to discuss, so I’ll just run right down the list.

Yesterday at 4:30 PM Andy took me to the Mile High Club where Crystal (Scott’s girlfriend) works. Even from the outside, before we went inside, I could see how much classier it is. The inside is so much nicer. Classier, fancier and bigger. There’s only one huge stage and that’s good, so we have more time to get table dances.

A guy named Mark, who seems very nice, hired me. First, we spoke and then I danced to a Madonna song. I wasn’t one bit nervous. Just like at Sha Na Na’s the girls seemed very nice and said don’t hesitate to ask any questions.

The dressing room’s so much bigger and nicer. We won’t have to be climbing over each other and we even have our own lockers. This is great, and I’ll use my combination lock so I don’t have to keep my key on me. It’s also nice that I won’t have to lug all my shit home with me every night. Just the stuff I need to wash.

It’s still under the table and you have no bar tip! All you’re recommended to give is a little something to the DJ.

I’ll be working Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday from 6 PM - 1 AM. I’ll be doing Andy’s laundry for him once again, in exchange for rides to work. Steve, who I just paged, will be picking me up. I gave him my schedule and he’s still gonna flat rate me $5. It’s normally an $8 - $10 fare.

The two months of experience at Sha Na Na’s sure helps. When Mark said not to forget my latex, it was good to be able to say, “I know,” instead of, “What’s that?”

Later…

I just had half of a cigarette. They’re long 120s. Now I’m microwaving bacon.

I got another kitten plate in the mail, so now I have two. They’re cute.

A guy named Greg whom I met at the pool last summer was gonna take me to the doctor, but Angel and Brian were available to do it. I gave them $3, some coffee and some hot chocolate.

Later…

About my doctor’s appointment, well, it was a little surprising. First of all, he ended up doing an unexpected pelvic exam which didn’t hurt at all. I am infected and I’ve got to call them Fri. as well as figure out what to do. The doctor says it hasn’t been treated right. Well, that’s obvious since no creams or antibiotics would work. My tits are fine. Just the usual obnoxious soreness and swelling before my period. My luck will be that I’ll get my period for my first night of work.

My allergies and asthma are much better than they were from mid-October to late January, but November and December were the worst months.

I’m starting to feel more comfortable with this doctor. It usually takes a while. He was shocked when I told him about the dancing as he’s only seen my shy side that only comes out with doctors. Everyone who knows me knows I’m far from shy.

Stacey explained how it works for a subleaser. They’d pay $297 and they’d have 8 months added on after June 30th. Speaking of Stacey, well, so she seems friendlier to my face, but it’s ironic how Gordy talks really loud by my bedroom window at 7:30 in the morning. Maybe it’s Stacey’s orders or on maintenance alone. But, then again, Andy got the same shit when he was working 3rd shift before I ever got here.

The weather was funny today. It’s been in the 80s for two weeks. Today and yesterday it even felt a little muggy and I had the AC on here and there. Right now it’s beautiful, dry and not too cool or too hot, but I think it’s gonna rain. New England’s now having what they’re calling the storm of the century. I mean, they haven’t had this much snow since the late 60s - early 70s. They have over two feet all through the east coast! Lisa and Becky’s school has been canceled. What perfect timing for me to get the hell out! I’d be stranded and even more of a caged animal, even if I did have a car.

Andy and Tammy had an excellent talk with me listening without Tammy’s knowledge. It was funny how Tammy said Becky said, “This boy Kenny. I think he has a black face, but I like him anyway.”

They talked about the weather, my dancing and this and that. Andy mentioned Scott, too. When Andy mentioned my being in shape, Tammy said, “At least one of us is.”

Then, when I went to signal him to hang up I didn’t want to hit buttons on the phone, so I slammed my closet door. He said, “I hear someone slamming their closet door and it doesn’t bother me, but it’d make Jodi furious.”

Tammy says, “After Norwich, it sure would.”

Earlier today I spoke to mom for the last time in a while. She’s such a never-ending, never-changing bitch. They’re happy I’m happy dancing, but in her eyes, I’m just never good enough no matter what I do and I’m sure she expects me to fall flat on my ass and fail. Yeah, I’ve failed and given up on stuff before, but that was then, this is now. I appreciate all her material and financial help, but I need a break from even talking to the bitch. Dad and Tammy are a whole different ball game. They’re very supportive and positive.

Mary’s coming up from downstairs, so I’ll write later.

Later…

I just reorganized my workbag. It’ll be easier using the combination lock and hanging some of my costumes up on the hooks inside my locker. Until I have more shoes and more G-strings, all I’ll take home in a smaller bag will be my shoes and G-strings and stockings to wash. I don’t remember, but I hope there’s a shelf in the locker for my little stuff like makeup, deodorant, brush, money, etc.

I have a half-hour before I watch TV, so I’ll write about Mary’s visit.

Before I do, though, I blasted out the post office today. A million others here, along with the office have too. Pete left and we haven’t a regular carrier yet and they’re screwing up everyone’s mail. I’m missing a phone bill, I believe. I also think I may be missing my TV guide. I left a note saying, “Put my damn mail in my box. Not on top of all the mailboxes and not in someone else’s!”

I also got a call that was out of area, according to my box. It probably was Fran or Nervous, but I left Fran a message to let me know if he got the journals.

Leanne hasn’t called, but Julia did. She was crying cuz she was upset with some guy. She said, “I don’t mean to keep you hanging. I can’t say I’ll never be with a woman. I’m sure women are better cuz they’re more sensitive, easier to deal with and I’m sure better in bed, but right now I’m so hurt and I don’t want to see anyone.” I told her I was a good listener if she ever wanted to call, nothing’s too blunt or personal, and she can take her time cuz I know exactly how fucked people are.

Mary and I went to the office for part of their 6-foot sub and other goodies, like cake, ice cream and cookies. All this week they’re having things going on due to St. Patty’s day. Yesterday was car wash day. Andy got his washed. Saturday’s free carnations. I think tomorrow’s free coffee and donuts.

I’ll write more about what Mary and I discussed later on after my shows.

MONDAY, MARCH 15, 1993 I am now out on my patio, but it’s too hot and uncomfortable writing with no table. I have moved right inside to my kitchen table.

Scott came over at 10:00 last night. He was unable to go to church as he had to go repair a government home that was broken into.

I wonder, along with him, just how dependable these elderly people are gonna be from his church. He knows a lot of people but doesn’t really have the time to get ahold of them as far as taking over my place.

SUNDAY, MARCH 14, 1993 It is amazing as all hell, but this weekend Andi’s been quiet. She’s been in and out all weekend.

The guy below me is never home which is fine with me.

I hope to hear from Scott by 5:00 or so. I do have a good feeling, but I want to hear him tell me I’m out of here. The office has to approve them and I hope they don’t take their sweet time and stall or get in the way of anything. Since I let Stacey have it last October she hasn’t messed with me, and Paula and Judy are no problem.

I left some edits on Mary’s machine as I said I would. I can’t wait till Scott hears the edits. I’ve told him all about them and I edited him leaving a message on my VM.

The weather’s unlike it has been in the last two weeks. It was in the 80s and very warm. Today’s cloudy and slightly damp and chilly. It’s 77º, but of course, here that feels like 67º. Tonight will be chilly and I may turn my heat on during the very early morning hours. It’ll be the high 40s to low 50s tonight no doubt.

No one’s at the pool today.

Andy fell asleep last night when I called, so we’ll talk later. From 7:00-10:00, I won’t be talking to anyone. There’s a movie I want to see, as well as some other show on channel 3, which we never could figure out how to program into the VCR. It’s nice having Caller ID so I can see who’s calling unless they have blocks.

Just when it looks like the sun’s gonna creep out, it gets cloudy. My patio is so beautiful, though. It’s so green with it being surrounded by trees. I hope my new apartment will have the most private patio as well as the most private and quiet apartment I’m sitting at my table now with my sliding door open. I just realized how wide those doors are in my new apartment I could just yank this table out whenever I want to write outside. I do want to get another table, though.

Well, I’ve got the munchies again, so I shall go eat.

Later…

Right now I’m getting pretty pissed. Scott hasn’t called and I’m tired of playing this waiting game. If no one takes this apartment, I’m moving anyway. The bitch next door’s back to doing her usual tap dance. Although it’s mild, I’m gonna be knocking on the inside of my door the next time I’m up past midnight.

Watch Scott call during tonight’s movie since I can’t record it.

Andy went out to dinner, but a few hours ago he heard my latest edition of edits. Mainly him singing the Funny Farm song and other stuff, Scott, and us coughing.

I did tons of letter-writing today and that’s pretty much all I did. I ate a lot and watched the shows I taped last night.

Nervous and Fran are getting no more letters from me. They never write to me, I’m bored and sick of writing to them as its fun has worn off and that’ll leave me more time to do other stuff. I’ll only write to my parents, Lisa and Becky (who get one letter for both of them), Kim, Bob and Tammy. So, that totals 7 letters, but 5 people. I won’t be writing as often as I have been.

SATURDAY, MARCH 13, 1993 I hope Scott calls soon to tell me if he’s got someone taking over my apartment. He called two nights ago saying he spoke to several people and he’s got positive news. I hope so. This morning he left a message saying he’d call right about now or tomorrow.

Christina, the housekeeper, left me a huge box with smaller boxes inside them. I’ve told several people to leave me boxes if they can.

Friday I was at the pool as well as today and the last 4-5 days. I’ve met some nice new people as well as chatted with people I’ve known. Stephanie and I had a great two-hour talk yesterday.

Leanne left a message saying she’d not only been busy with the move but had strep throat. Once again, I’m not bothering with her for the same old reason. She sounds fine now and if she really wanted to see me, she’d have done so by now. Again, you can maybe get lucky enough to have them call and hit it off over the phone, but good luck getting them to your door and following through from there. People, man, I’ll tell ya. If she calls again I’m telling her what I just wrote and that I’m calling it quits.

I left Julia a message, too. No calls from her either.

Andy may call any minute, and due to the fact that everything happens at once, Scott will call at the same time.

My mom left a message right before I awoke at 10:00. A letter to them was returned to me and I left a message asking why. She said she had no idea why and that they were fine. Then, it was pretty funny as she didn’t hang up the phone all the way. The bummer was, though, that she caught it soon enough afterward.

I got some of the color back that I lost, but I’m gonna be careful. I don’t want sun poisoning or skin cancer.

Tonya was over two days ago for a reading. We had a chat for a half-hour or so.

Kara may be returning to Michigan for a while to get her diploma there, then return here to go to the police academy.

I was over at Diane’s again today for coffee. We had a nice chat, too.

It’s a miracle and a half, but Andi was out all day (next door). I hope she doesn’t make up for today’s peace and quiet by flipping out all day tomorrow. That’s all I need unless she goes to church.

I called information last night after realizing I misspelled her name and that’s why I couldn’t get the number. I’m surprised she’s even listed, but I left her some spitting, as well as Mary Had a Little Lamb with the phone keys, and also had Kara say, “Payback’s a bitch.”

I almost forgot, but when I called Julia today, I’d planned on playing Mary Had a Little Lamb after I hit the first 4 keys, but her messages played. How neat. Just like Fran. She had a message to call her from a Barb and one from US West to get caller ID.

Last night Andy and I tried calling Nervous and got no answer. We then called Fran and got his machine. I hit *37 and there was a message from a girl. It appears that once again he took in some creep who ripped him off, but that’ll always be Fran for you. A major sucker. I recorded this girl’s message and edited it onto his machine. He is not gonna be expecting that! Andy and I were cracking up. I did quite a bit of editing today and I promised to leave some on Mary’s machine.

We went grocery shopping, but I’ll write about that later.

A note from Andy…

Andy was here on December 4, 1992. In his living room with his stomach growling because he is starving. The phone just rang and Jodi wants me to cook pork chops. But they take 45 minutes to cook ‘em my way. I am starving do you understand? Last night I drove up to Camelback Mountain to be part of the clouds. I stood for a long while in the drizzle, dreaming of my wanton luxury. Let’s do some handy things together. Thank you, God, for sending my best companion to me!

Later…

Any minute I’ll be chatting with Andy, so I will write till then. That is unless he already fell asleep.

Andy gave me a good idea. He said it’d probably be better for Bill T to see what I look like. And by the way, it’s Bill/Mark Productions. I mentioned this idea to Scott who I spoke to a little while ago. He agreed, so I’m gonna give him a picture of me to send to Bill.

Scott says he’s gonna see these two elderly people in church tomorrow about my place. Let’s hope all goes well, but I do finally have a very very good vibe.

He’s also gonna buy my food stamps from me to send to his son in Michigan. He said this way he knows only food can be bought with it. At the grocery store, I bought (besides food) two new bottles of nail polish. My favorite colors which just dried out; fire engine red and burgundy. A package of 48 colorful envelopes. Wild Musk perfume which is mild and doesn’t set off my allergies as much.

Mary also told me she went to a psychic fair and was told the same things I told her.

I still have no idea as to who left me those hair care products. Everyone I know would tell me they left it if they did, so I guess a stranger left it, but that doesn’t seem right either. Does Andy know something about this? Does it have to do with Velma? He not only sides with those I’m upset with, but he also tries to fix shit between us. More and more he’s bringing up shit about Velma. This really irks me, but I try to ignore it. The last person I want to associate with is a stingy selfish bitch.

I’ll try calling him now. If his machine comes on, then he obviously fell asleep. Then, I’ll go watch all the shows I’ve recorded and write letters.

THURSDAY, MARCH 11, 1993 I’m sitting here by my building on the utility box hoping my cab gets here soon enough and doesn’t forget or get lost. I called Brian and Angel and they said they could probably pick me up if I can’t get a ride again from that new waitress and her mother as I did yesterday. I went over to Brian and Angel’s apartment yesterday. If they’re around whenever I need a ride while I still live here, they’ll drive me.

I’ve been up since 4:30 and I’m somewhat tired. By the time my shift ends, I’ll be beat. Then, if I must work the PM shift tomorrow night, I’ll have to try to hold out at least until midnight.

Not only can I not wait to move, but I also can’t wait to quit Sha Na Na’s and transfer. I know it’ll be deader than dead just like it was yesterday so I brought a notebook. I’ll copy whatever I write into my journal cuz there’s no way I’d bring it to work in case anything happened to it.

God, please let that cab be here on time! They do this shit to me every time I call for one.

I hope Scott does make it in today. I could use a friend coming in there and also one who’ll never let me go home broke.

Unfortunately, I am kind of tired and that sucks. I’ll have to get some coffee as soon as I get there.

Here comes sweet little old Stacey. She said hello in a friendly voice as she walked by with two potential residents. Residents who will never know just how thin the walls are unless they move in.

Later…

I am at work now where there is only one fucking customer! God, I hope Scott comes in!

Luckily my cab driver got there on time, but not Charles. Some other guy came and he hated Vista Ventana and moved, too. I’ve spoken to numerous people who don’t like VV for the same reasons I don’t.

They’re remodeling here. They connected the 3 stages. Good idea. There are more mirrors, too.

I’m now sitting at the back of the bar at a table, thanking God I brought a notebook. If I don’t copy what I’ve written into my journal after work, then I will soon.

Omar was here, then he left, so who knows what the hell’s going on with my schedule? I’ve already done my set, but after two more songs, it’ll be my turn again on stage. There are only 5 girls here right now which doesn’t matter since it’ll be dead. There are Dee Dee, Venus, Debbie, Storm and I. There are way too many girls on the PM shift. That’s for damn sure. There are 3 DJs. Andy, Tracy (who I call Billy cuz he looks like Billy Ray Cyrus) and Phil. Billy was here yesterday. Andy came in for his paycheck and to bum a smoke off of me, not that I mind. Phil’s on today. He asked me what kind of music I like since he’s never DJ’d with me working. I told him I hate heavy metal and to play dance music and country. I named singers I like. I was the first dancer up before our one customer came in. Phil tipped me a buck. Wow, I just noticed we have two more customers. Wowee, like it’ll help much. How do these dancers pay their bills?

Later…

I just did my second set and got $3 for it. Some long-time regular just brought in tons of chicken wings and grinders. That was great cuz I was starving. There are a few more customers in here now and I believe I have a table dance for the next song. There are only 4 customers in here now.

I still have some letter writing to do as well as editing, as always. After I copy this into my journal I’m sure the no-postage-necessary people will want to hear from me.

I just did my much-needed table dance and after the next song, my third set’s up. For the last set, as I was getting on stage, Phil said, “Mystery, you’ve been here two months and I’ve been here two years and we haven’t worked together yet.” Afterward, he complimented me on my dancing. Yes, I can feel and see that difference in my body and my dancing. I’m much more limber.

I’ve only gotten two table dances so far and this really sucks what with how dead it is here. Next song is my fourth set. Each girl’s doing two songs.

I hope Scott comes in. Omar’s back, but he’s busy with the guys who are remodeling.

Later…

Right after I last wrote I went up on stage and Scott came in. If he didn’t come in I’d have $4 after tip out, but he threw $70 on me! How cool, huh?

We had a great talk for an hour or so. He feels I probably will be out on the 15th. He also says he has a really strong feeling within two weeks I’ll be going to L.A. He said if worse comes to worst as far as them taking their sweet time, he will personally take me out to their studios in May.

I just thank God for 95% happiness all the time now, rather than 95% misery.

Scott says my black cat’s doing fine and I came up with the perfect name for him. Especially an all-black cat. My stage name… Mystery.

I hope Kara stopped by to pick up those blankets.

If all goes well, I’ll only have one more weekend of listening to the bitch next door pummel the walls, floors and whatever the hell it is she does to create so much fucking banging.

I’ll be calling Bob during the day Friday. Bob, the bartender, that is. I told him to put me back on 4 nights a week, but no Saturdays or Mondays.

I am just so happy now. I’ve been depressed or anxious only a few times since I’ve been here, but it passed quickly. It was mainly over money. Also wondering what the hell I was gonna do with my life and how the hell I’d ever get a connection with the singing. Thanks to Tonya who started all this. Without her, there’d be no dancing, no money, no peace of mind, no Scott, no Capitol, no new apartment. No, money’s not everything, but it sure does help. If I didn’t want to be a singer or do anything else, this is where I’d stay. Maybe not in this particular club, but I’d never stop dancing.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10, 1993 Yesterday I awoke at 5:00 and I went into Sha Na Na’s for the noon - 6:30 shift and made shitty money. I’m going in at noon today too, and Omar’s going to change my schedule. I cannot work Saturday and Monday.

Scott has round two with the IRS this Thursday. He still doesn’t know where he stands with them.

Still have no idea when my lease will be taken over, but I hope real soon.

For some unknown reason, I got a letter I’d sent to my parents returned to me. I called and left them a message to let me know if they know anything about it.

No calls from Ellie, Julia or Leanne.

Later…

I just put in a personal call to Charles, my new day driver for 11:30. He drives the same cab Steve drives at night.

Andy’s still asleep and God only knows how with the outside noise here and there. Must’ve smoked lots of pot.

Kara will be stopping over to pick up two blankets I don’t want. I left them outside my door. Kara may be going home to Michigan for a while.

Scott called and he may stop in today. Scott’s talking to people today about my apartment.

MONDAY, MARCH 8, 1993 Saturday morning I asked Kara to tell me if she felt I’m gonna move on March 15th or April 1st. She felt the 15th. I sure hope so. Kara’s just as psychic as me and so is John. I always wanted to meet someone at my level to consult with from one psychic to another.

After Kara and I spoke, I called Tammy and she asked me to try to tell her if she’d be getting a job. I wasn’t able to see what the job was, but I felt it was 40 minutes away and required traveling. That much was right. I told her I had a very good vibe for the job. She’d get a call about it Monday between 10 AM-noon and fix whatever may be wrong with her van. I also could see a guy in his 40s, average height and weight, dark hair, slight bald spot, dark eyes, dark-rimmed glasses, and a heavy-set black woman.

I thought I saw her arguing with a blond in a grocery store, but she said she’d had a friendly chat with this woman.

Then, I called Kara and we called her and I told Tammy that Kara’s a lot like me and we consult one another. Kara and I agreed on everything, but one thing. Finally, Tammy told us it was a job doing security. Kara said she saw that as well as carrying a gun. Maybe the reason why I had a strong vibe was cuz she definitely has the looks and the image of a security guard. About as much as I look like a singer and a dancer.

I told her to give up Avon as I see it to be a pain in the ass that’s not profitable. Tammy says she’ll let me know.

Saturday night at around 8:00 I went to the Jacuzzi. Sue, Steve, Angel, Brian, their baby and some other guy were there. We had a nice chat and they were happy for me about the dancing, Capitol, and the new apartment

It’s amazing how many people don’t like it here for the same reasons I don’t. They all complain about the walls being too thin.

If I could’ve slept till 3:00 tonight, I’d have gone to work today from noon - 6:30, but I awoke at 11:20 PM. I still don’t know if I’ll be returning to Sha Na Na’s, typing for Scott, or transferring if he can drive me to and from work while I still live here. He called right before I woke up and said he’d call tomorrow. I hope things rule in his favor.

Last night John called from Circle K and Steve was there too. I spoke to both of them telling them everything’s up in the air at the moment.

I’ll be sending Fran the old little journals. I’ll get 5 stamps from the office today.

I neglected the plant my parents sent me on my B-Day, so I trimmed all the dead leaves. I also took the flowered bow out of the plant and unraveled it. It’s quite long and I’ll use it for some kind of decoration after I move.

I got 3 NPN envelopes and I stuffed in pictures Andy didn’t want.

Andy says Velma is still looking into a straightening iron for me, but I’m not paying for it. She is to pay for it, otherwise, forget it.

Later…

At about 10:00 yesterday morning, I ran into Diane on my way back from my mailbox. She’s the one I’ve seen a couple of times in the laundry room and she met Stephanie. You surely can tell she’s gay, but she’s not pitifully ugly. Not as ugly as the bitch next door. She came up to see my studio, then she invited me to her place for coffee. I was shocked at how clean, neat and well-decorated her apartment is. We sat on her porch and had a nice talk. She’s 29, athletic like most of them are, and sober. Being able to read people well, I figured she was sober. She goes to school and works in the medical records dept. at Baptist Hospital. She also has a car and goes to bed early and gets up early. She’s single now but was once in a relationship for 4 years. I can see that, due to her plain looks and she does seem relationship-oriented. She also seems like a very good, stable, mature person. We exchanged numbers, then I went to the pool. There were several people there. Sharon, who I met in August was there with her little girl and boy. We chatted for a while and I was there for a little over an hour. I did get some color, but not enough to brag about. Tomorrow will be better for hanging out at the pool. No one will be there, but the people who mow the lawns will be out and about everywhere.

I’ll write more after I go eat and boy am I ever hungry.

Later…

I just had two pieces of fried chicken and soon I’ll have another “cough of cuppee.”

What the hell was that that just sounded like something hit the roof?

I haven’t heard at all from Leanne for over a week. She must be either extremely busy or has chickened out. And Andy thought I’d chicken out. Maybe she lost my number during her move. Who knows?

Julia called me a week ago. I’ll call both of them just as soon as I know what’s going on with me.

When the hell am I going to L.A.? John, Kara and I feel it’s positive with a positive outcome. We all feel in a month I’ll be there, but I want to go now!

About a week ago I had a nice chat with my dad about dancing, the apartment and Capitol.

It’s 6:00 back east and Tammy and the rest of the family are getting up around this time. I sure hope in the next 4-6 hours she gets called about that job so I don’t make an ass of myself. I’ve never really predicted events for someone 3,000 miles away, although it’s not impossible.

Another sound from the roof. It sounded like it cracked. Let’s hope not while I’m still here.

Later…

Yes! I called Sprint about that $100 deposit and it was a mistake on their end. She said to disregard the letter. Damn right, I will.

Today I’ll leave that note I said I’d leave on Ellie’s door.

Later…

I just completed another edit tape. It sure is less confusing and much easier dealing with all my tapes now that I finally got them all organized. I left Andy the latest edition of edits on his VM along with tons of other messages. Soon, I’ll tape the 7 saved messages from my VM to be edited. One’s of Scott and the rest are of Andy burping, coughing and singing.

We made a deal that while we weren’t home or were asleep we’d pull our phones off the hook. That way we wouldn’t have to wait for it to ring and ring and our messages would go off after only one ring. I also discovered it’ll skip our messages if we hit the pound key as soon as it starts. There’s only one unfortunate problem with taking my phone off the hook. When I do that my Caller ID doesn’t work cuz it takes at least two rings, whether the ringer’s on or off to activate the Caller ID box. No numbers will appear on the screen. I never know when or who may call with a name and number I wish to know about. Unless they have a blocking option. I hope Ellie calls and has no blocking. After putting the note on her door I must keep my phone on the hook and answer after two rings. If you’re sitting right there looking at the box, you’ll see the number appear. If they’ve got blocks it’ll say, “private name - private number.” It says their name, the date, time of call, and the number. Sometimes it may not register, so it’ll say error. It also has a button on the bottom for English or Spanish.

I think (but I’m not sure) I hear the guy below me. I’ve been very lucky with him so far. He’s never home and is very quiet. Andi next door makes up for him. But I sure hope just the same he can’t hear me at night. I accidentally dropped a plate last night so I hope he’s a heavy sleeper or just doesn’t care. Yes, I definitely hear him now in his cabinets. The floors seem just as thin as the walls. I wonder if he heard the edits while I was recording them on Andy’s VM.

I wish I could get Andi’s number, as well as Rosemarie’s. But when I’m gone they’ll get mail.

Later…

I am shocked at how many people are at the pool today on a Monday. Quite a few. Stephanie, Tara and Linda were there along with others I’ve seen before but I can’t remember their names.

It is hot today at 85º. This feels so weird for it being February 8th and knowing Tammy’s cold back in CT.

I didn’t get too much color. It’s hard to keep up the patience to just lay there.

The mail’s either late or I didn’t get anything. Stephanie says there’s a new mailman.

I swept my patio and ditched my raft. There’s a hole in it somewhere and I’d like to get a bigger raft.

I left a message on Leanne and Julia’s machines.

I sure hope Tammy got that security guard job she wanted and that Scott’s meeting is going well. I spoke to him at 8:30 this morning. He said his meeting begins at 10:30 and probably won’t end till 7:30. I told him to leave a message if I don’t answer. Two people from his church are to be calling him tomorrow about taking over my lease.

Andy left a TV guide and some hair and skin care products outside my door. There were 4 tiny little bottles. There was shampoo, conditioner, bath or shower gel and lotion. That was nice.

Around 9:00 or so I left Ellie her note. At first, I thought she moved, as the table I flipped wasn’t there. Nothing was outside the door, but then I saw her through the sides of the blinds in her kitchen. I still haven’t gotten a call from her. I’m actually surprised she hasn’t called with her being the desperate Fran/Nervous type. We’ll see.

Later…

I am out on my patio now. It is gorgeous. I am beginning to get very very sleepy. Soon I must hit the sack. I will have some coffee then I’ll watch TV till I can no longer keep my eyes open. Writing is almost hypnotizing when you’re tired. Your eyes stare blankly at the paper while the pen flows and flows away.

What a huge patio I’ll have when I move. I’m gonna get a table so I can write a little easier. It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable writing with the book on my lap. It causes me to write sloppier, too. Plus, I’m so beat. The sun sure drains you. I feel as if I did get some color, yet I have no new, real distinct tan lines. I feel and look solid and muscular, but I have no problem with that. Especially for a girl of 90-something pounds who’s 4’ 11”.

I went to the office to get a stamp and Paula ended up chatting with me. She and Judy really are very nice. If Stacey were a staff member in some place like Valleyhead or Brattleboro, I’d pity those kids! Not that I don’t anyway, and there are definitely enough Staceys working in these places who don’t belong. Stacey would be a carbon copy of Donna A, her sister Margaret, and Barbara D.

I should go record my phone messages into my box now.

SUNDAY, MARCH 7, 1993 Yesterday was a shitty day. Two mornings ago, which would’ve been very early Saturday morning at 3 AM, I fell asleep. I had weird dreams and was wide awake an hour later. At 10:30 I began to get sleepy, but sure enough, the bitch next door began her slamming, ramming and banging. Sundays she’s out a lot, but is this bitch ever gonna sit still on a Saturday? How can a person make so much fucking noise while they’re cleaning? At 6:00 this morning I knocked really loud on the inside of my door. I’m sure that woke her up and she wondered whose door it was. Our doors are so close. I’m gonna knock even earlier this morning once an hour, and this bitch has to work tomorrow.

I finally fell asleep yesterday at 12:30 and then Andy fucking came in and shook me awake. I told him never to do that again unless I told him to. He may be coming down with another cold. I hope I don’t. An hour after he woke me up I fell back asleep till 9:30. I was beat.

I spoke with Scott who I may see tonight, but it depends on when and how long I sleep. I hope he’s got good news on a person taking over my lease. I also hope his meeting with the IRS Monday goes well and that I can type for him, move, then transfer to a better club.

If I can get up tonight no earlier than 3 AM, I may go during the day tomorrow to Sha Na Na’s.

Early yesterday morning I took a chance at Kara being home and she was. She said her trip to Vegas sucked. She and her girlfriend’s mother had it out and she says she’s running for her life. She even mentioned going back to Michigan to live. I told her it’ll blow over. This must really be serious for a tough girl like her to be intimidated.

Her sister Stacey was there and told Kara about dancing at Sha Na Na’s. She left, however, for the same reasons I’d like to transfer whether or not I’m moving. Bad publicity due to the raids, a lot of people resent Arabs and they also have way too many girls there. She’s now at the Ex-Caliber.

SATURDAY, MARCH 6, 1993 I am pissed! I fell asleep at 3:00 and I only slept an hour. Fuck that shit! All I know is that I was having weird dreams.

The proofs came out OK. Andy took me to my 7:30 appointment last night. The one I chose has me leaning on my side with my hair flowing down my side.

After that, he and I went to a restaurant called J.B.’s. It was so-so, but we really loved the Black-Eyed Pea.

I took an hour and 40 minutes to cut coupons for him. He was quite pleased.

He also gave me some blooper photos and also photos he doesn’t want. I’ll split them up between Kim, Bob, Fran and Nervous.

I spoke to Kim for 15 minutes before we left for Valley West Mall. She’s not as stable emotionally and financially as she’d like to be.

I’m gonna bitch out Sprint next Monday. They sent me a letter saying they need a $100 deposit. I’ve had their service now for a month and now they’re telling me this?! I’m gonna give them an ultimatum. To either go shove their $100 or I don’t want their service.

Later…

I’m still up and furious so I called Nervous. We had a nice talk about our lives in general.

I put the radio on the stereo softly since I don’t know if Andi or anyone else is gonna decide to rock the building. The true test will be this weekend, but so far, and with very much thanks to Mary, Andi’s been quieter. Also thanks to “Daryl’s” note. She’s been getting up quieter during the weekdays.

I hope I get enough sleep cuz I really want to work tonight. I was gonna wait till I heard from Scott, but I decided not to.

I made another big mistake with Andy. I gave him Scott’s number to his beeper about Scott fixing his VCR. With Scott’s permission, but that’s not the point. The point is, is that no matter how much Andy promises not to talk about me (other than just trivial and general stuff), he will. And the bulk of it will be negative shit about me or personal. I have no problem with telling friends my personal ups and downs, but from my mouth only, when I’m ready to and in the mood. They haven’t gotten together yet, but they’re bound to sooner or later.

Anyway, here are the names of some of the dancers where I work: René, Alex, Toni, Pearl, Diamond, Ruby, Brandy, Storm, Venus, Christine, Pebbles, Danya, Rena, Corey, Dawn, Dee Dee, Alicia, Donna, Dallas, Tracy, Susie, Crystal, Ronnie and that’s all I care to think of at the moment.

I really must try to hit the sack.

FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 1993 While I’m watching TV I’m gonna write. Tomorrow Andy and I are going to the mall where I’m going to pick out one of the 10 pictures that were taken of me.

I’m also gonna buy him a silk shirt which he wanted for his birthday.

Saturday night I’m probably gonna go to Sha Na Na’s. This way I can still have more income till I know when I’m gonna move for sure. After I move I’ll transfer.

I can’t wait to get into this gorgeous apartment!

THURSDAY, MARCH 4, 1993 Once again, I have so much updating to do. I mean, I am swamped with it, let alone with the other things I’m working on. I have a major project going on now with my journals. I have 4 little books which I don’t like and no longer want. Number 8 was mostly all phone numbers. I’ve gone and copied them into number 18. I took two of the big books I just got and in one of them, I copied the old number 10. I also numbered the new big one number 10. Then, I took one other big book and numbered it number 5. I’m now almost halfway through number 6. I threw out number 8, but when I have all 3 (5, 6 & 10) copied, I’m sending them to Fran.

I met the guy (Dave) who just moved in down below me. He seems nice and the great thing about it is that he’s never home just like Jeff. He also didn’t make too much noise the day he moved in which was the 1st.

I’m lucky in that area, but I finally reached my breaking point with Andi, the bitch next door. Ever since I turned her in and bitched cuz of the herd of kids, she’s been getting up real early very noisily, slamming and banging. She also shakes the building very early on the weekends. I spoke to Mary and asked her how she was dealing with the situation and she was pissed off too, and has had it herself with the bitch. She told me how she needs her rest on the weekends so she can be rested enough to handle the weekdays. I told her there was no way my bitching was gonna change things and that I knew this was all aimed at me cuz of the herd of kids I bitched out. Then, I realized that Mary could either fuel her further, as obviously, this bitch has a problem with getting complaints. Or she could make her realize her aiming her shit on me was affecting Mary who also has CP and get her to shut the fuck up. So, last Sunday Mary went up there and basically laid it out on the line. She told me she was nice about it and would be quieter, but we’ll see. Meanwhile, she fucked me out of work last weekend and that doesn’t set really well with me.

After I move I’m gonna take real good care of her. I’m gonna have Andy leave her notes on her door as well as possibly have Kara egg her patio or truck or do something messy.

Now to speak of Kara – well – who knows where she is? She’ll contact me sooner or later as she wouldn’t just drop completely out of my life, but I’m not sure if she’s in Vegas. If she said she went, then she did, but Laurie told me an interesting story. She said that she ran into Kara’s mother and she said she took all her stuff and split. I know her mother could be a bitch and that they didn’t always get along, but where could she or would she go?

Mary also took me food shopping the other day and she was up here for a visit and for me to give her a reading. I told her I had an 80% accuracy and she’s happy with that.

Later…

I almost forgot to mention one other thing about Andi next door. I totally disguised my handwriting and wrote her a note from “Daryl,” the guy who moved in next to Andy and behind her. It wrote: I recently moved in behind you in the front of the building. I realize you get up very early during the weekdays and I don’t get up till 9:00. Please try getting up quietly as well as early on the weekends.

She oughta love that.

Next Sunday I should know from Scott who’s gonna be taking over my lease and when, as well as if I can type for him. Well, I’ll find out about the typing Monday. I asked if I could type for him with or without the dancing for $600 a month. He said yes and that is what he pays his secretaries who are in Michigan, where he’s from. I have a plan that I hope I can follow, but like I said, I won’t know for sure till next Monday. I’ll explain why I won’t know till next Monday later, but here’s my plan. To quit Sha Na Na’s and type for him while I still live here. Why? For 3 reasons. One is cuz I never know if I can sleep without being woken up here during the day. It’s a 50/50 hit-or-miss deal. Two is cuz after I do move, I want to work at a club closer to where I’ll be living. Three is cuz I want to work at a classier club where I’ll make more money. I think there are two reasons why Sha Na Na’s doesn’t do too well. The publicity of the raids in their other clubs doesn’t help much. Also, Omar and Dave are Arabs and so many people hate them.

Steve said he’d still flat rate me $5, but I’d prefer a 5-10-minute ride to and from work, rather than a 20-25.

Also, there’s this classier club where Scott’s sort of seeing someone who’s working there. She’s making way more than I am. I’ve still been earning much much more than the average person, but not as much as I thought I’d be and that I know is possible. It’s possible to take home $100 or more after tip-out and that’s exactly what I want to do. On top of everything else, I still don’t think I’ll be dancing for too much longer anyway. Hopefully, real soon the music will be taking over. It’s a waiting game in the beginning just like Scott said, but once things begin, they should really roll. I always envisioned that once I got my foot in the door things would roll fast from there. And that I wouldn’t have to struggle for years and years. I still have to go through the steps just like everyone else, though. Scott’s word is very dependable about Bill T and he’s always come through on everything he’s told me so far. I guess I might start out backing up other big celebrities since you usually don’t start out on the front lines anyway.

When I was sick with the flu, Scott called me to tell me he’d just gotten out of the ER. He told me he saw 3 guys try to force a woman into their car and he stepped in using his martial arts, even though he did get banged up a bit. He managed to save the woman who’d call to thank him every two hours and the police were very pleased.

Then, also while I was sick, he came over with $100 of food! That was really very nice of him.

Later…

At 6:30 my time this morning I called Barbara at 8:30 her time. Marie was there too who also lives there, but we never spoke. I asked Barbara if she knew who I was. At first, she didn’t but then it hit her and she said, “Oh, you fucking asshole! I’ve been dealing with you since you left and at that time everything was fine.”

I asked her how life in CT was and she said she wished I were there so she could kick my ass and I just laughed. She also asked me why I sent Debbie shit and what I got against her. I told her that this coming June 15th I’d be there to take care of her. She asked if I was gonna bring my little buddies and then she just basically cussed me out telling me I should’ve died back when I was in the hospital, I don’t know how to be awake, all I know how to do is be up all night.

Andy’s right. After it’s all over is when you wish you’d taped it.

Well, now that I’m 110% sure I’ll never see the remaining ¾ of my picture collection my mom ditched, no matter what anyone says about it, I went and killed off the rest of my collection. I did hang onto a few pictures, but as I said before, I want all of my collection, not part of it. I know what Tammy and my dad would and wouldn’t do, but I also know how my mom operates. It’s totally her style to do something like this to me. One last chance to control and take away something she knows I love.

I don’t know if I wrote about Scott’s past at all yet, but I’ll just go through the whole story. Well, most people can’t remember exactly what they were doing on a certain day 6 months ago. Most people don’t keep journals like I do. He once had a couple million that his ex-wife fucked him completely out of. His ex and a detective framed him for arson which he never committed. While he was out of state getting a speeding ticket by the highway patrol, a house on his street was being lit on fire. Somehow his ex and this detective made it look like he did it and he ended up in jail for two years. Meanwhile, his dad got a letter about this ticket he never paid. He noticed it was at the same time this fire was lit and they gathered a successful appeal and he got out of prison. While in prison, his ex destroyed all his tax, business and work records from the businesses he owned as well as stole all his money. Right at this moment, he’s trying to gather all the proof he needs to show the IRS he did pay his taxes from 1986 to 1991. He has a meeting with them next Monday. I have a good vibe that the meeting will go well, but if it doesn’t I won’t be able to type for him this last month while I still live here and I’ll have to return to Sha Na Na’s. We’ll see. In the meantime, he knows 3 people from his church who are probably interested in taking over my lease if he can’t get his old roommate to take it. My lease isn’t up till June 31st, said Stacey, but there’s no way I’m gonna stay here till then.

Scott just moved into the same complex I’m going to be moving into. It’s a concrete structure, rather than a wooden one like this place is. It’s 10 minutes away from here in the very northern part of the city. Scott has a 2-bedroom which is about 930 square feet for $535 a month. He got a 2-bedroom in case he ever has his son Matthew with him. I saw the 2-bedroom model as well as a model of the 730 square foot 1-bedroom on the 3rd floor. Like here, I guess the 2-bedrooms go up to 2 floors and 1-bedrooms go to 3. Who knows about their studios?

The name of the complex is Crystal Creek. Andy will call it Crystal Creep or Crystal Crotch, no doubt. Scott says it’s very very quiet there. It has a lot of features - washer, dryer, free cable, big microwave, dishwasher, frost-free refrigerator, large walk-in closet, huge storage closet off of a huge private patio, French doors, vaulted ceilings, fireplace, lush landscaping with waterfalls and little wooden bridges you walk over, tons of cactuses and palm trees, 2 pools, 2 spas, covered parking, exercise room and courtesy patrol. All for $425 a month!

It’s gorgeous there and my address will be something like East Bell Rd. My phone number oughta be the same unless they don’t have this 589 exchange out there.

I told my family about this as well as about Capitol Records and they’re very very happy for me. I also hope to move by the 1st of April, or sooner.

Later…

As far as Velma’s concerned, I’m extremely disappointed and pissed off. Every now and then I am fooled by a person’s character. Other than when it comes to money, she’s a generous and friendly person. But obviously, when it comes to money, she’s a selfish, stingy little fuck. I gave her $60 to do my hair which never worked out right, as it doesn’t with everyone. She took it personally. I told her to grow up and realize that even though there are no guarantees, I want a partial refund. I should be happily compensated in some way. I told her to get me a straightening iron and I’d still be out some money cuz the thing will only cost $15 to $30 bucks. She doesn’t have to pay back the difference cuz she took 4 hours to do the procedure. She can keep the $15 I never should’ve given her for her birthday. She said we should do it over again, but no way. We’d just waste our time cuz if it didn’t work once it’s not gonna work a second time and my hair’s fried enough. So, obviously the selfish, stingy little shit can’t be that hard up for customers, cuz she could’ve kept me as a customer to do my bangs and I’d buy hair care products from her, too. So, unless she calls me to take my offer which is fair, I want nothing to do with her or people like her.

Later…

I haven’t heard from Celeste, nor do I want to for two reasons. One is that she’s into drugs, and the other’s that I think her husband Joe’s not gonna be able to keep out of it so easily. Their best bet is to get someone bi and who’s also on drugs or who doesn’t care about them being into drugs. In the end, though, I do appreciate their honesty. I want someone bi or gay where there’s mutual attraction. I also want someone who’s not committed to anyone, male or female, and who doesn’t want to be. Well, I just may possibly have that with two women I met at the club. They’re not other dancers, they came in as customers.

One’s name is Leanne, though her real name is Sarah. She’s bi and has been with 3 other women. She’s 23 and 6 feet tall with dyed, yet natural-looking blond hair and blue eyes. Her weight is just right. We’ve had some very nice talks on the phone, but haven’t gotten together yet. She’s been moving out of her own apartment and back in with her mom.

The second one is Julia Z and she’s a gorgeous Mexican, my favorite, and her hair’s even longer than mine! It’s thick, dark and curly. She’s 5 feet tall with dark eyes and she’s a little thinner than Leanne. I think she’s 23 too, but she’s never been with a woman before but has thought about it a lot. She called me once, but I don’t yet know when we’ll be getting together. Here’s the shocker about these girls. They don’t like butches, don’t do drugs, they find me attractive, and don’t want kids for the same reasons I don’t.

Andy got up next door very much less noisy. Gee! I wonder why?

Later…

I’m still awake and I wish I could be all day. It’s gonna be a beautiful day out and I want to go to the pool and get some color.

I forgot to mention that I called Omar to tell him I was putting him on hold and why. I explained my situation.

I also called Tammy and told her everything that’s been going on.

I hope that this Sunday Scott can get someone in here by the 15th.

Yesterday I called and spoke to a woman at Crystal Creek who said that if I moved in on the 15th, they could pro-rate my rent. Meaning, I’d pay half a month.

Andy’s got the day off so he’ll probably go apartment hunting again today like he did yesterday. He doesn’t think I’ll have sex with Leanne or Julia cuz either they’ll cancel or I’ll chicken out. No, I definitely won’t chicken out knowing they’re attractive and after speaking to them. If we don’t get together, it’ll be due to a problem on their end only.

[orangelemonsstuff]

Filipino!Yuu Scenarios pt.3

WARNINGS: Filipino cuss words, hinted Yuu x Malleus scene and very bad(ass) translation by me😎😎😎

Lilia: hey there Yuu

Yuu: POTA!!! ANO!? ANO BANG KAILAINGAN MONG MATANDANG PANIKI KA!?

(translation: FUCK!!! WHAT THE HELL DO NEED YOU OLD BAT!?)

Lilia: Ufufu no need to be surprised young child, and oh my... what language did you just speak of? i have never heard of it before

Yuu: Wala-- i mean nothing po lolo Lilia, tangina naman kasi ako pa una atah mamatay rito sa gulat eh

(translation: Nothing-- i mean nothing grandpa Lilia, im going to die before him because of shock)

Lilia: What is lolo?

Yuu: NOTHING NGA DIBA

(Translation: I SAID NOTHING!!)

•••

Ace: haha idiot--

Yuu: IDIOT!? AKO BOBO!? SINASABING MO BANG MAS TANGA AKO SAYO!?

(Translation: IDIOT!? ME, IDIOT!? ARE YOU SAYING IM MUCH STUPID THAN YOU!?)

Ace: woah geez calm down, you're starting to swear in your language again

Yuu: MAS BOBO KA, KANINA PA TAYO ANDITO AT ANDITO PARIN DAHIL SAYO

(Translation: YOU'RE THE IDIOT, THE TWO OF US ARE HERE AND STILL HERE BECAUSE OF YOU)

Ace: I DON'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD YOU JUST SAID

•••

Yuu: oh that's adobo

Deuce: it's so good what did you put in it?

Yuu, smirking: aso (dog)

Ace: what?

Yuu: arf arf

Ace & Deuce:

•••

Malleus: Mahal kita? is that how you pronounce it child of man?

Yuu: ayiie kingina mo kinikilig ako, ahaha labyu too mahal <3

(translation: Awwh, you're making me flustered, ahaha i love you too my love <3 )

Malleus: ???

•••

*Playing Rock, Paper and Scissors*

Epel: Rock, Paper and Sciss--

Yuu: Bato-Bato pik

Epel: is it called like that in your country?

Yuu: yeah, sometimes there's even a pencil

Epel: Woah... that must be intense to win

•••

Random NPC: Oh hello there, im quite lost do you know where this location is?

Yuu: ay sorry naliligaw rin ako kuya eh, di ko alam

(translation: oh, sorry I'm also lost, i dont know)

Random NPC: oh... i don't speak that language

Yuu: kaya nga pareho tayong naliligaw diba? di rin ako taga dito.

(translation: that's why we're both lost to right? im not from any around here too)

•••

Yuu: ay ang taray (oh, how stunning)

Vi: ?

Yuu: i said you're fabulous po

Vil: thanks i know

•••

*Playing Nanay Tatay and Deuce messed up*

Deuce: N-no i didn't say six--

Yuu, menacingly looking at Deuce: hinde, narinig kita eh sabi mo five, six, eh nasa five palang tayo

(translation: no, i heard you, you said five, six, while we're still at five)

Deuce: Y-Yuu, you're starting to divert into another language again..!!

Yuu: Oh really? *cracks knuckles* i did huh? well you are gonna hear nothing

REFERENCES:

(lolo = grandfather)

saying po is a way to respect someone or an elderly

the dog adobo joke was made by moms or aunties to scare the children eating their adobo, don't worry most Filipinos don't use dogs on adobo and this is just counted as a joke

Mahal kita means i love you

the bato-bato pik one is based on my experience with friends who used the pointy finger and calling it a pencil to pass the paper

Nanay, Tatay, is a game for Filipino children to match the number and clap hands with another player as the number rises up and they try to keep up

a/n: check my masterlist for the other parts ^°^, i write this kind of fanfic because i want Filipinos to feel also included in group of peoples that has culture and heritage, i just want to express the way i grew up on and i am just doing this for fun. so sorry if i don't include some of the actual cultures of the Philippines and just the things i grew up on ^^ that's all thank you for reading this

[buckysimp101]

To the Moon and Back

Summary: You’re pregnant with your first child with Nikki Sixx. Over the course of your pregnancy you and Nikki both keep journals to document the changes to come. These are a few snippets.

Pairings: Nikki Sixx x Reader, Tommy Lee x Heather Locklear

warnings: none, fluff (it’s a warning...it’s a fluffy Nikki Sixx for goodness sake!

a/n: this is long.....but damn it’s sweet. brb. gotta lil dirt in my eyes. not crying. just dirt.

February 14, 1992

October. October’s gonna be a big month. Oh fuck is October gonna be a big month. It’s our anniversary. The third one. October 15th, 1989 I made the decision to marry the love of my life, Nikki Sixx. Your daddy. Not only are we celebrating our third anniversary, we’re going to be celebrating you, sweet love. Let me fill you in on mama’s last couple of days. 

When I woke up on Sunday, I had this horrible stomach ache. I thought maybe it was something I ate on Saturday, your dad decided to make ribs for dinner and they were great! But I thought maybe they just didn’t agree with me. As the day went on my nausea turned into just plain tiredness. I couldn’t get off the couch if I tried! Nikki made me peppermint tea to try and calm the nausea and made sure to make the couch up as comfy as possible, he’s really great. But nevertheless, nothing helped. On Wednesday, Nikki and the boys were in the studio so Heather came over to hang out for a little bit. I was in terrible shape and Heather finally asked me the question that seemed to have been sitting in the back of my mind since the beginning of the week, “do you think you could be pregnant?” While I sat on the couch contemplating her question, Heather ran to the closest pharmacy to buy an at home pregnancy test. 

Sweet love, I swear that was the longest ten minutes of my life. But sure enough, two little lines, clear as day, popped up. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Your daddy and I had talked about wanting a family and here you are. I called my doctor as soon as I could to set up an appointment for today to confirm your existence. One blood test, and a slightly green Aunt Heather, later I had my proof. You. I cannot wait to tell your daddy about this tonight! I have another appointment in a few weeks! I hope he’ll be able to go! Time to get ready to see your daddy, celebrate Valentine’s Day and tell him all about you, sweet love! Just know, Mommy loves you to the moon and back.

February 14, 1992

Oh shit. It’s happening.

February 15, 1992

Okay. I’m doing a lot better today than I was last night, my head feels better. Your ma told me she had decided that she was going to keep a journal of her pregnancy with you so I decided, eh, why the fuck not. Shit, probably shouldn’t say fuck...damn it...oh well. I decided to keep one too, who knows, maybe you’ll read it one day. Maybe I’ll gift it to you...that might be a stretch cause I’m not really certain what I’m gonna write yet... But little one, your ma and I? We love you so much already. I came home last night, long day out with your Uncle Tommy as we tried to figure some shit out, fuck  shit I’ll probably have to tell T-Bone soon if Heather hasn’t yet, but anyways. Yeah, I came home and your mama, oh she was so pretty. The prettiest. Standing in the living room with the biggest smile on her face, hands behind her back. I swear all she needed was a bow and that is all the gift I could have wanted. But then, she had to go and hand me this little bag with a smirk on her face. A smirk that usually only means trouble and I opened the bag expecting there to be...something else...from your ma. 

But nope. There, wrapped in tissue paper, was a little Mötley Crüe onesie. Where the hell she managed to find that is beyond me, I know that our merch team was working on that a while back for a bit but I never thought about it til now. I had to look from the onesie, to your mom, back to the onesie, back to your ma. The next thing I remember was waking up to the side of your mom’s concerned face, phone in her hand yelling at someone to come over that I had passed out. I took the phone from her then, she was talking to Aunt Heather of course, told Heather I was fine and we just needed to talk, and hung up. It felt like a million years. That’s how long it took me to finally grow the balls to look my wife, your mother, my beautiful YN, in the eyes and ask “did that onesie mean what I think it means?”

You’d have thought I asked her to marry me all over again. Her eyes got all teary, her head nodding as fast as possible. All I could think over and over and over was “I’m gonna be a daddy.” I still can’t believe it. Your ma has an appointment in a couple weeks where we should get to hear your heartbeat! She says the doctor’s estimate your due date is October 6th. I told her it would be funny if you were born on our anniversary, who knows! Babies are usually born late! Or at least I think they are. I don’t know little one, all I know is that your ma and I are so excited and we cannot wait to meet you. Until next time.

-Daddy Sixx

March 9, 1992

Sweet love, your heartbeat? It’s so fast. I’ve never heard anything quite like that. I think even your daddy teared up at the sound! That’s right, we got to hear your heartbeat today. I think the doctor almost passed out when your daddy stood up as they called my name. She almost did the last time when Aunt Heather was with my too. Your daddy has that affect on people though. After hearing your heartbeat we got to see you and oh sweet love, you’re so small! About the size of a cherry according to the doctor! I don’t think it really clicked for me. I’ve known about you for over three weeks now but I think hearing your heartbeat and seeing you on that monitor made it really sink in. This is real. I’m gonna be a mama. Nikki Sixx is gonna be a daddy. You’re real and you’re ours. After my appointment your daddy took me to the store, raving about all the baby clothes we were going to buy and all the things he was going to teach you. He wants to teach you how to play bass, says that Uncle Tommy will teach you how to play piano if you really want. Just hearing your daddy get so excited about the future and the role you will play in it made me start crying in the middle of the store. Happy tears of course. Now, I’m about to start crying again. I cannot wait to go on this journey with your daddy, I just know he’s as excited as I am. I love you to the moon and back, sweet love.

April 10, 1992

Alright little one, your mama and I did a big thing this week....we told Uncle Tommy and Uncle Mick about you. In case you were wondering, daddy met Uncle Tommy and Uncle Mick when we started a band called Mötley Crüe. Yep, that’s right. Your old man is a fuckin’ rockstar. Who knows how long that’ll last. You’ve got another uncle, Uncle Vince. I don’t know when you’ll meet him, hell I don’t know if you’ll ever meet him. But I hope you can. He might be a pain in my ass at times, but he’s still my brother.

Anyways, yeah we had Uncle Tommy, Aunt Heather and Uncle Mick over for dinner the other night. You could tell that Aunt Heather knew. God she as bubbly as hell. Barely containing that contagious smile of hers. Tommy and Mick were dense as hell though, neither of them could see through her face. Your ma, man she was glowing. She barely has a belly and wears her clothes not as tight but I know it’s there. God she looks amazing. But she decided to let me tell T-bone and Mick. And when I told them she was expecting...your Uncle Tommy straight up said “expecting what, a delivery?” Uncle Mick looked like he could have driven his fork through the drummer’s hand at that moment. Uncle Tommy always was a little slower on the uptake. “Well. I guess in a way yeah, due October 6th,” I said hoping the word “due” would spark something in your Uncle Tommy’s head. “Oh cool, must be something really cool if it’s on backorder for that far out,” was Tommy’s response causing me, Uncle Mick, Aunt Heather and your ma to roll your eyes. Finally I said “yeah you idiot, it’s gonna be your niece or nephew.” Tommy, the fucking idiot (sorry kid you might as well learn that about him now) said, “wait how did you know Athena is pregnant...wait Thena is pregnant!?” He thought we were talking about his sister... Heather finally slapped him on the arm and said “No,Thomas! Athena is not pregnant. YN and Nikki are having a baby!”

I’ve never been tackled like that before. And I played football in high school. All six foot two of your Uncle Tommy’s twiggy ass frame bowled me over as he wrapped me in a SOUL CRUSHING hug. I haven’t seen him look that excited since his wedding day. Needless to say, I think Uncle Tommy is just as excited to meet you as we are. See you soon, little one.

-Daddy 

July 4, 1992

Well it’s the fourth of July. We are well past the halfway point and only a few months away from meeting you, sweet love! Once I hit the halfway mark the nausea and morning sickness calmed down. But now the cravings have started. Your daddy is an angel. An angel sent from heaven, though some in the music  industry have actually argued that he’s a demon sent from hell but that’s a story for another time. He has left the house at 3am to get me pickles and ice cream from the 24 hour grocery store. He’s done this 5 times in the last month. Whenever he comes back he just fixes me a bowl, brings it back to the bedroom and lays down next to me, placing his hand on my belly to see if he can feel you kick after the craving is satisfied.

 You do that now! It’s so amazing, my bladder doesn’t thank you for it but it really is the most incredible sensation. The first time I felt it I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. That was our baby! Those little butterflies that I always feel in my stomach when I’m around your dad are real and they’re you, our sweet love. I think it’s daddy’s favorite thing. Well, that and the bump. You’d have thought I was Aphrodite herself the way your father stared at me the moment he started to notice the physical changes, my body growing to accomodate your ever growing self.

 Uncle Tommy and Aunt Heather have gone overboard. They both like to purchase gifts and clothes for you whenever they can. Uncle Mick will occasionally see something in a store and give it to your daddy to add to the nursery. That’s another thing, your daddy LOVES decorating your nursery. I think he’s tried to paint it twenty different colors, I finally got him to decide on a nice light gray. We opted out of finding out the sex at my last appointment, we want to keep it a surprise. Let’s see if your daddy can handle the suspense. 

Tonight your daddy fell asleep after getting my pickles and ice cream so I guess it’s time for me to do the same. Good night sweet love and remember, Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back.

August 29, 1992

Four and a half weeks. We are four and a half weeks out from your due date...and little one we have no clue what your name is. And I thought finding out what your Uncles and I would name our bad was hard...naming a human is difficult as hell. Since we made the decision to not find out the sex we split up, mama gets to pick the girl names, I pick the boy names, and then we narrow it down to our favorites. Your ma likes all sorts of different names for you. She likes Olivia, that one I don’t hate as much, but she also mentioned Eleanor and Charlotte. I looked at her and said “when have you ever met a baby Eleanor or Charlotte? The answer is never, they’re all old ladies with hard candies in their purse leaving lipstick on your face while they pinch your cheek.” Needless to say that didn’t make your mama too happy. Meanwhile I suggested names like Maverick and Zane. Mama’s apparently over her Top Gun phase because she shut both of those down. So, back to the drawing board I guess. Maybe I could get Uncle Tommy’s help.

 Your Aunt Heather held a baby shower for you last week and man are you spoiled. The most spoiled baby to be on the Sunset Strip. I don’t know how you’re gonna wear all the clothes you have, but your ma says you’ll get the chance provided you don’t grow to fast. I don’t know much about babies, to be honest. Your ma got me this book to read to prep me and I’m not really one to read but...who knows...maybe I’ll feel the urge to actually read the closer we get. And shit are we getting close. I still think you’re going to be a neat anniversary present. I just feel it in my bones. October 15th’s just a great date. It would be crazy if you DIDN’T come that day. 

Well whether you come on your due date or on our anniversary, I just want you and mama to be happy and healthy. You’re both the most precious things in my life and man I cannot wait to see how this crazy life of mine goes. Mama told me she’s been signing off her entries a certain way so...guess I could do that too. Daddy loves you to the moon and back.

-Daddy

October 2, 1992, 3am

Something isn’t right. I keep getting this tightening in my back that lasts for a few minutes, then it goes away. I’ve read about Braxton-Hicks contractions, false labor, and this is the perfect time for those. I’ll give it a few more hours. See how it is. Maybe then I’ll wake up Nikki.

October 2, 1992, 7am

Alright, little one. Daddy knows he’s talked to you a million times and told you he’s ready to meet you but I’m gonna need you to just hold on a litttttle bit longer. We’re a week out from the due date now, so that wouldn’t be bad at all but man I’m freaking out. Mama’s freaking out. Just give us a minute little one. I gotta get your mama to the hospital.

October 4, 1992, 5pm

So daddy and mommy were wrong, my sweet Olivia Nicole Sixx. You didn’t come on your due date, you didn’t come on our anniversary. Instead, you decided to make your grand appearance kicking and screaming at 12:01am on October 3rd, 1992. Just in time for your Uncle Tommy’s birthday. Oh was he thrilled, he couldn’t believe the phone call he got from your daddy. I could hear his whoops all the way in the hospital bed where I was trying to feed you. 

You, my sweet love. You have changed our lives. You look just like your daddy. Because of course you do. I do all the work of carrying you for 9 months and pushing you out of a very small hole in my body thank you very much, for you to come out with a head full of dark hair and light eyes. They’re blue right now but I have no reason to believe that they won’t be that same familiar green that I know and love. Your daddy cried. He also almost passed out again when the doctor asked him if he wanted to help catch you. He was so excited for that possibility.. but luckily, the nurse saw him turn quite an interesting shade of green and managed to move him back up to my head to aid in the pushing process. Didn’t need me and your daddy to wind up as patients.

I know I have told you a million times throughout these last 9 months that you are so loved. But my girl, my sweet love, your father and I love you a million lifetimes over. If you asked us to catch the moon for you we’d do it a thousand times over just to make you happy. I am so lucky to be your mama, and I know your daddy feels the same way.

Well it’s time to feed you again. I wonder if your daddy has had time to write his entry yet...I love you to the moon and back, Liv. Always.

October 4, 1992, 10pm

I don’t have the words. I’ve been writing lyrics for years and I just don’t have enough words to tell you how much I love you. You, Olivia Nicole Sixx, came into our lives with a scream and a clap of thunder on October 3, 1992 at 12:01am. I think I almost screamed too when I tried to catch you but...that’s a different story...one I’m sure your mama has already added to her entry.

Your Uncle Tommy, oh he has never been more excited to share his birthday with anyone else. I called him from the hospital around 8am yesterday and he thought I was telling him happy birthday, well that was part of it but when he answered I could barely hide my excitement. I nearly yelled “Hey Uncle Tommy when are you going to meet your birthday twin?” I think if he had been here he would’ve tackled me like he did all those months ago. He and Aunt Heather will meet you in a few days when we get out.

But my sweet girl. My daughter. My shining star and the light of my life. Your mama and I are so lucky to know you. Hell, I’m lucky to have both of you. I have never seen your mother look stronger than when she pushed you out. That could not have been me, I’d have died. I swear I think she pulled out a couple chunks of my hair and added a few more scars to my arm. But that’s not what this is about right now. 

You’ve only been in our lives for almost two days, and damn it might sound cheesy but I swear you’re the sunshine of our lives. But your birth has kinda thrown me into a bit of a thought spiral. Am I gonna be a good dad? Who knows. I didn’t exactly have the best reference for what that looked like growing up. But Livvie, I swear to you I will do all I can to make sure you know that you are loved and that you will never want for anything. We are so lucky to have you in our lives and we cannot wait to watch you grow. Our love for you, Olivia, could stretch to the moon and back infinite times. 

Love always,

Daddy.

~~~~~~~

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