#but really my initial reaction was lost connection is so sad. 'recover lost connection' just sounds like an ad.

[gayofthefae]

TO TRY AND REACH YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO NEVER PICKS UP???????????????

This may be a stretch and I don't know much about the game, but I am also reading into "The event is accessible for players who have competed Chapter Two, Mission One" and how Mike's playlist implies his feelings start at the beginning of season 2.

You are eligible to be considered a "lost connection" after you've finished 2x01.

My immediate thought before reading was also that to our knowledge, grandpa sweater short haired Mike is season 5 Mike, so one could argue this is not just a depiction of 13 year old Mike...

📣📣 PUZZLE TALES NEW CHARA DROP

It's GRANDPA SWEATER MIKE WHEELER!!!

Very amazing and we love to see the throwback! It's nice to see Mike in his element again (blue) and solving problems. Plus, his in-game descriptor is "Codebreaker," a reminder that Mike Wheeler is indeed the dude that puts the puzzle pieces together. Indeed, he has not one but two abilities related to patterns.

(family ties, eh? 👀)

But here is how I know they are throwing treats to hungry Bylers specifically:

The event is called Lost Connection, and JUST LOOK at how they describe it:

HELLO???!?!?!?!

This is soooooo a nod to Mike calling Will in Lenora.

The truth is going to come out eventually!!!

Also, it's really cute that they have now released both Mike and Will from the Miwi season. Spy and Codebreaker 💛💙

[illyrian-lover-flower]

The life I once dreamed of

Prologue

The world didn't stop.

Not for her, not for her brave, strong sister Feyre curse breaker, not for the strongest High Lord in history, not for anyone.

Day after day went by. Almost every day seemed dull -just like her visions- whenever she had one. No day seemed to be an exception, so it wasn't unusual for her that she lost track of time.

And before she knew it the days turned into months, the months turned into years, and in the blink of an eye -so it seemed- passed two decades. Two decades after the end of the war with Hybern.

But she didn't seem to be the only one that still had to recover. The fire of her older sister Nesta, was even after all this time, nothing more than ash, not even a fracture of the bold temper that once flickered inside her. It hurt to see that she put her caring mate to the Ground of the deepest cliff, with her reckless behaviour.

To be honest, Elain was kind of glad that her former protector didn't even try to Show up at any Family meeting, knowing she would probably let a lose grip to her self-control and let her temper out on her once so beloved sister.

She didn't hate her -she never could- but she was just so, so Angry at her, that not even her save place, her quiet garden, could bring her mind at Peace.

Sometimes, rather often in the past twenty years, she would walk out of Velaris, up the hill that overlooked the always Shining City, and sit in front of the large gravestone that had the initials of her beloved Father engraved, talking to him about her daily life, talking to him about how dense Nesta was to hurt her mate and whole Family like this.

She would often tell him about her future plans for her garden too.

Before she knew it, it became a routine to let her frustration out to her Father. She knew he couldn't answer the questions she asked him about Nesta or the questions she always asked about Feyre and Rhys, if it really was possible -for even the Fae body- to handle so much sex.

It was obvious that she would never ask such questions out loud, but who was here to listen to her anyway? Except for the wind and grass that surrounded her. Maybe the shadows -oh how the shadows became her friend, she loved their support on her. In the past years they were the presence that kept her steady - stopping her from going mad.

She didn't know if it had anything to do with a certain Shadowsinger, who became easily her best friend. He was quiet, indeed, but he also had a dry sense of humour -which he most often only showed around her.

The shadows that started to support her after the first two years, after the wars ending, seemed still in place, whenever she was around him. Almost frozen -as if to not wanted to be spotted by Azriel. But not only her shadows seemed still, his did the same -whenever she was around him. Only sometimes she noticed a small strand of black mist peeking up from behind his back. This most often happened when she asked him about wingspans.

She learned to not ask him when he was eating or drinking, because else he started to chock on his food -which was most often, to her delight, one of her baked goods- or he would spit out or chock on his drink.

He at least had a little more of a useful reaction than Feyre and Mor, who started chuckling and bickering while nudging each other with their elbows.

When she asked Rhys -only once- he seemed slightly offended, standing up from the dark leathered armchair he was sitting in, puffing out his chest and flaring his wings, with the words "I have the biggest of them all!". Elain was at that time more than confused, and she never asked her High Lord of wingspans again, scared she might offend him another time.

This confusion led her to Cassian, who was howling from laughter as the innocent flower grower finished her question. His broad chest still shivered from containing his laughter, as he put a hand on her shoulder, still snickering, and told her she shouldn't listen to Rhys, because -so he told her - he had the largest wingspan.

She also asked Nuala and Cerridwen a few times, but each time they went even more silent than they already were, smirked at one another and told her she should ask the Shadowmaster, which was Azriel -whom she now asked already a dozen times, and had still gotten no answer.

Once Amren was around she asked the small female too, but she only rolled her eyes, waving her off with the words "These pricks make too much of a fuzz about them." and left the room.

So, she found herself often talking to her father about them. Hoping he would like to know just as much as she did.

Today was one of these days too. She sat in front of the large tombstone, the white lilies she brought with her, laying in front of the sun warmed stone. It was breezy and she could feel the beautiful night of this court settle in, as the sun set.

"I don't want to go back yet Father." a sad smile spread across her lips. "Who's going to keep you company when I'm not here?" It was a question answered with a warm blow of wind hitting her face. Shooing her away, back to Velaris, back to her family, back to her home.

Her smile stayed where it was, still a sad one. She thought of the house where she lived always as a secure place, never a true home. It was Feyres home and the one of her mate, never hers.

Just as she was about to protest to the warm mid-summer breeze, she could feel a chilly swirl of mist climb up her spine, stopping by her ear "The fox is looking for you." it whispered in its usual lullabying deep voice.

The smile once so sad, changed and became a real one. "It seems you get your will father. I'll leave you for tonight.".

As she stood up from her so unladylike crossed legs seating posture, she wobbled a bit, her legs numb from not being moved for the past two hours. The skirts of the light pink gown she wore were a little wrinkled, but she smoothed over them -seeing to her delight no grass stains. She loved those stains, but at these times, when her family didn't know where she went -they would bring up too many unpleasant questions.

"I'll see you soon father." she said, giving the warm gravestone of her father a final kiss.

Elain almost hopped down the hill, with her flowing skirts surrounding her, happy to know that no one would be at the river house, but her and Lucien, because the Inner Circle was out for a night at Rita's.

                                                        *******

When she arrived - only minutes later, she didn't need to search for him. He was already sitting in one of her delicate white metal garden chairs, a tea set was already put on the small, round table. When she stepped closer to him, he shoot up from his seat, wrapping her up in a bear hug. When they parted a little, she could see the tiredness in his russet eye. The golden one shone bright as always, but the dark circles that surrounded both of his eyes betrayed him.

She let out a laugh, taking the seat opposite his and started to fill up both of their cups with the orange and Jasmin tea -her favourite- from the day court. The young fae female started sipping at her tea while crossing her left leg over the right one. Lucien sighed and took his seat again, also starting to sip on the sweet tea.

"I would ask how life is going at the mortals, but it seems you have already shown me."  A knowing smile spread across her lips as he answered with a sarcastic "Haha."

He sighed again, running a hand through his long somehow damp ginger hair. "Don't even get me started. Gregori seems to hit puberty, and by the cauldron -he can't stop fighting with Vassa! If this continues like that, I'm going to be the first High Fae my age who has grey hair! Even though Vassa is fighting with him too, it doesn't stop her from joking about it!"

She smiled at him "Maybe you should tell Feyre and Rhys all that. I think they're still trying for a little lord." "They still don't have any positive results?"

"No, but maybe in a few years, perhaps even months. Who knows?" Elain shrugged at him. A grin betraying her calm words. "Come on Ellie, your beloved ex-mate is all ears to hear. You can tell me! I won't tell anyone, good maybe Vassa, but I think she would find it more interesting to hear that her best friend finally hooked up with someone."

He winked at her making her spit out her tea. She knew only too well what inuendo he was dropping in her face. "Excuse me?!" she wanted to sound calm, but her words came out a little bit to high pitched and if her voice wouldn't had already betrayed her enough, her cheeks started to flame up.

The male in front of her swung his head back and started to laugh deeply. She sipped frustrated at her almost empty cup of tea, only a small orange puddle remained at the bottom of the cup. Too embarrassed to put the cup down -she sipped until she was scared to have actually broken of some porcelain from the rim. With a clearing of her throat, she brought back the attention of her 'ex-mate' -like he liked to call it- to her.

"I must disappoint you. Nothing has changed, not at all." "I know." was all he replied. A small sad smile turning up the corners of his mouth, his eyes wrinkling in the corners as he did.

Elain couldn't help but notice that he, indeed seemed to have gotten older.

She cut the mating bond with him five years after the incidents with Hybern. Back then she first allowed him to spend as much time as he wanted with her. They were around each other for the next three months, but they both finally figured out that the only thing connecting them was that cauldron given bond.

At the end of this three months -she lost a mate, but won two new best friends, Lucien and Vassa. They were already in love back then, that you could tell with one look at them. Elain knew it from the start. One night in the months she's gotten to know Lucien, she had a vision of a baby with orange curls on top of its head that was on fire.

She told Lucien about that vision three years later, when Vassa was actually pregnant.

He had a hard time telling Helion back then, what happened in the past few years. The High Lord of the day court seemed frozen in place at first, but then -so Lucien had told her- he put a hand over his son's shoulder telling him he was happy for him and that he didn't give a damn on that old, rusty cauldron -which was now nothing more than broken pieces of metall.

For Lucien everything seemed to have changed, but not for her.

Still, she was happy to have his company and started the conversation again, asking him about his life with the mortals.

They chatted for the next hour with each other -laughing and catching up on their lives with an awful lot of tea during that time.

But after that hour he had to go back, back to his family. "I need to check if Vassa is still alive or that Gregori has his head still on his shoulders." Elain couldn't help but shudder and nervously laugh at that, because she knew what he just implied could actually happen like this -knowing Vassa. So, she waved him goodby as she watched him winnow back to his home. His true home.

A sad smile came back to her, just as it did the whole day.

With a melody humming over her lips, she started to put the tea set together and brought it inside the quiet, dark house, which was her home, but never her true one.

                                                       *******

What she didn't knew was that a familiar shadow watched every swaying step she took towards the building. Watching as the warm mid-summer breeze played with her honey golden curls. He stood there, still frozen in the shadow of the old oak tree. Needing to get a grip on the new information's he just gathered.

His ice caged heart racing, hammering against his rib cage, pleading to be let out. Let out into the world -his world.

He placed a scars covered hand over the hammering muscle inside his chest. Trying to keep it calm, but failed miserably, just as miserable as he failed to leave the beautiful seer out of his shadow stamped life.

But deep down -at the tip of his heart- he knew his life wouldn't be the same without Elain Archeron

And as Azriel stood there, silent and quiet as Always. He knew he was doomed with the information's that just came to him. He couldn't stop thinking about how he got himself into this situation, couldn't stop thinking about how panic rose in him as he took a walk through Elains garden, when one of his shadows told him about the arrival of that damned red head.

Whom he still thought as the flower growers' mate just an hour ago.

Azriel knew there would always remain a small glimpse of connection, a special bounding, but he saw how the special bounding between Elain and Lucien looked like. A deep caring friendship, almost like brother and sister -but nothing more.

This all led him to where he was now.

The mighty Shadowsinger of the night court remained in place, his hand locked over his heart, his head tilting up to the stary sky, looking at it through the thick leaves of the oak tree -with all his hope in his eyes.

next chapter

[benyhw]

Day 3 - Reflections on emotional maturity

"Wielding sensible arguments can at points be as effective as telling a person with vertigo that the balcony wont collapse or a person with depression that there are perfectly good grounds to be cheerful" A lot of our mind is not amenable to hard-headed logic, not when emotions are involved

Yet, truly facing and understanding our emotions and then still be able to act with some rationality and logic is a testament to emotional maturity. There is more to love, forgiveness, trust than what we think we know.

I am sorry for my hurtful words, said in times of emotional turmoil. I regret my texts and posts, impulsive and raging. I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my actions, your thoughts and feelings and ultimately your decision. The turmoil I initially faced was truly a mixture of shock from how sudden things changed as well as the immense void your disappearance has caused. Given time, I have calmed down and could examine myself deeper on many levels.

I learned that I can be loved and that I can have wants and needs. I learned that my careless acts can hurt even when I don't recognise it at that point of time.

I know my mistakes and can see its damages. I triggered this whole chain of events, rocking what was a seemingly stable relationship. I see that we are flawed, but not un-deserving of love. Our innate reactions and nature is built upon by our past, regardless whether we consciously know it or not. Some traumas and hurt that forms our current insecurities are born from history we may not even remember. Though this doesn't discount our current wrongs, it does help to allow us to understand people better.

I do know, that I can and should listen to what I want and love, not only to that of other's demands or requests. I can be selfish in love and loving. I can earnestly seek forgiveness and then put in action to repent and atone for the wrongs I've made. Yet forgiveness and moving on from the hurt I've caused, is not mine to give or take. It is for me to earn and for you to heal from. I can only do what I believe is best, in terms of my love for you and love for myself. I do feel, we both have a lot to learn in terms of emotional maturity and have ways to go to truly understand what it means to love, to hurt, to trust and to forgive.

=====

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGV5o6UHjxM - Stay in or Leave a Relationship We expect to be deeply happy in love, and, therefore, spend a good deal of time wondering whether our relationships are essentially normal in their sexual and psychological frustrations or are beset by unusually pathological patterns which will impel us to get out as soon as we can. What films or novels we've been exposed to, the state of our friend's relationships, the degree of noise surrounding new sexually driven dating aps, not to mention how much sleep we've had, can all play humbling large roles in influencing us one way or another. How much of our unhappiness can be tightly attributed to this particular partner, and how much might it, as we would risk discovering five years later and multiple upheavals later, turn out to be simply and inherent feature of any attempt to live in close proximity to another human? Try to have another conversation with your partner in which you don't accuse them of mendacity, and instead simply explain, quite calmly, how you actually felt and how sad you are at quite a few things Consider the annoying traits in all previous partners we've had and people we've known, that our current partners happen to not have, what do we manage not to fight about?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLq1ktogxn4 - What infidelity means There are, of course, many cases where infidelity means exactly what Romanticism takes it to mean: contempt for one’s relationship. But in a great many other cases, it may mean something really rather different: a passing, surface desire for erotic excitement that coexists with an ongoing, sincere commitment to one’s life-partner. The best way to recover after an infidelity may therefore be to ignore what Romanticism tells us that infidelity has to mean, and to consult instead a more reliable source of information: what we ourselves took infidelity to mean the last time the idea crossed through our minds or our lives. It is on this basis that we may – with considerable pain of course – come one day to be able to forgive and even in a way understand and accept the apologies of a repentant partner. It is on the basis of subjective experience of unfaithful thoughts that we may redemptively enrich, complicate and soften what happens when we end up as their victims.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRaaqN2Atxw - Why We Go Cold On Our Partners Going cold is, in this story, simply the unavoidable consequence of familiarity. he loss of interest isn’t either natural or inevitable. The boredom is something at once more complicated and more active. It exists because we feel hurt by, angry with, or scared of our partner and because we haven’t found a cathartic way to tell ourselves or them about it. Tuning out isn’t inevitable, it’s a symptom of disavowed emotional distress. It’s a way of coping. We’re internally numbed – not just a touch bored. To learn to cope, we need a prominent mutual awareness and forgiveness of this dynamic of sensitivity and distress – and a commitment to decode it when disengagement and indifference descend. When we've gone cold, we may not truly have lost interest in our partners, we might just need an opportunity to imagine that we are quietly really rather hurt and furious with them and we should access to a safe forum in which our tender but critical feelings can be aired, purged and understood without risk of humiliation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgQvqi6aYD8 - The Secret of Successful Relationships: Rupture and Repair Repair refers to the work needed for two people to regain each other's trust and restore themselves in the others mind as someone who is essentially decent and sympathetic and can be a good enough interpreter of their needs Repair isn't just one capacity among others, it is arguably the central determinant of one's mastery of emotional maturity Good repair relies on at least 4 separate skills: The ability to apologise The ability to forgive - To do so requires us to extend imaginative sympathy for why good people can end up doing some pretty bad things, not because they are evil but because they are in their varied ways tired or sad, worried or weak. It lends us energy to look around for the most generous reasons why fundamentally decent people can at points behave less than optimally. We cling to rupture because it confirms a story which, though deeply sad at one level, also feels very safe: that big emotional commitments are invariably too risky, that others can't be trusted, that hope is an illusion The ability to teach - They give their listener time and know about defensiveness and as a fallback, accept that they may have to respect two different realities. They can be in the end bear to accept that they will always be a bit misunderstood even by someone who loves them very much The ability to learn - They have a lively and non-humiliating sense of how much they still have to take on board. It isn't a surprise or a cause for alarm that someone might level a criticism at them. Its merely a sign that a kindly soul is invested enough in their development to notice areas of immaturity, and in the safety of a relationship, to offer them something almost no one otherwise even bothers with: feedback.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ci-zID4EAPU - How to deal with trust issues 1. Ask yourself how your reactions line up with reality - The thoughts we may have may not always be an honest perception of what is happening 2. Learn to be non defensive when you communicate - Chances are, people take the time to talk to you because they care about you and not because they want to hurt you 3. Let people know what you need and be direct about it - In order to build trust, you have to be open and honest. People often have trust issues because they are afraid of getting hurt. Trust issues are developed when too much focus is concentrated on the pain, but not enough on overcoming the pain. 4. Give people a chance to show you who they are - Give people time to show you their true colours, and you may be surprised that you can go through challenges well together 5. Practice open-ended conversations that allow disagreements 6. Confront your fears and don't allow them to hold control over you - Remember, you have the power to work through your struggles openly and honestly. You have it in you to connect and build trust with others

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-K5btaxEFY - How to forgive It can be so hard to forgive because – so often – we simply are in the right and the scale of the folly, thoughtlessness and meanness of others seems utterly beyond our own measure. But there are 2 inviolable ideas which should nevertheless, in the face of the grossest behaviour, be kept in mind to increase our changes of being able to forgive: 1. We must remember how the other person got there, to this place of idiocy and cruelty - Every irritating fault in another person has a long history behind it. They became like this because of flaws in their development, which they did not choose for themselves. To forgive is to understand the origins of evil and cruelty 2. There are difficult things about you too - Not in any area remotely connected to the sort of lapses that destroy your faith in humanity. But in some areas, quiet areas that you forget about as soon as you've travelled through them, you too are a deeply imperfect and questionable individual. Gently, you have - in your own way - betrayed. Nicely, you have been a coward. Modestly, you have forgotten your privileges'. Unthinkingly, you have added salt to the wounds of others. We must forgive because - not right now, not over this, but one day, over something - we need to be forgiven too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVeq-0dIqpk - How to build (and rebuild) trust There is 3 facets of trust: Authenticity in actions, Rigor in logic and communicating that logic, True empathy towards the other

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhyfBi-Ad4c - Loving and Being Loved We start knowing only about being loved. It comes to seem, very wrongly, like the norm. Parent and child may both love, but each party is on a very different end of the axis, unbeknownst to the child This is why adulthood, when we first say we long for love, what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we are once loved by a parent In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want, to be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly, and make it all better we need to move firmly out of the child and into the parental position of love To be adults in love, we have to learn, perhaps for the very first time, to do something truly remarkable, for a time at least, to put someone else ahead of us.

=====

I know, making this decision has not been easy on you. You struggled internally alone for 5 weeks before taking the brave step to pursue what you believed was right now. I can only imagine the turmoil you've been put through. I cannot and will not blame you for loving yourself more.

When I look at myself and what I've gone through in the past weeks, I do wonder how you are coping along as well. I do believe in what we had, which meant that these days were probably not as easy on you too as you make it seem. I never imagined that my actions were seen as infidelity to you and that while we know it was not ill-intentioned, the feelings you've felt and the hurt I've caused you are valid.

I hope the above few points and videos can eventually help you to heal and move on, to feel ok enough to love another again some day. I am always here to openly talk about us, about our feelings and about what we each want now or in the future for ourselves. In the past 2.5 years, have you done and said anything to anyone or just innately felt that you would feel afraid to tell me of? Has there ever been any breach of trust on your end or guilt, before my current mistake that made you feel betrayed? I am open, with no judgement or shame, to talk about these, if you are ever willing. I have done you wrong, and I truly have repented. I will never ever breach trust like that ever again, not even at the cost of feeling uncomfortable in sharing how I feel.

I too will love myself, doing my utmost best to pursue things I want and love because they make me happy. It is ok to be selfish in love, something I have learned from you that I am grateful for. Take care, I am only 1 text away

Love, Ben

[stillnotoverstillstarcrossed]

Wherever You’re Going, I’m Going that Way

(Also on AO3). 

Benvolio was hopeless. His fingers tapped incessantly on his phone screen, doing the same thing he’d done for the last 20 minutes. Turning it on. Off. On. Off. The glowing white numbers that read the time seemed to be taunting him.

It was already 11 o’clock and she still hadn’t called.

And here he was, pathetically lying upside down on the gross couch Mercutio mooched off some garage sale in South Central. Benvolio had turned down Merc and Romeo’s offer to get a few drinks, and the open slot for teaching a class at the art studio. He even took an earlier afternoon shift at the bar. All so he would be right there when she called.

At first, Benvolio felt rather proud of himself for taking care of business so quickly. Clearing his whole schedule the day before seemed like a very grown-up thing to do. But now he just felt foolish.

Perhaps she meant “I’ll call you” in passing. Maybe he’d over-anticipated the meaning of the call altogether. For one thing, Rosaline didn’t even owe him a call at all. Because they weren’t exclusive. Because he wasn’t her boyfriend. He knew that.

Rosaline had made that very clear after that first night all those weeks ago. The night Rosaline had let him in for some coffee and conversation. At some point their conversation turned dangerously intimate. But Benvolio figured being as worn out as they were, a venting session was bound to happen. She had spoken softer than he’d ever heard her speak. Her skin had glowed in the moonlight that fell through the paned windows. One thing led to another and he woke up wrapped around her, her warm skin heating him to his core.

But before he could even flash her a smile or press a kiss into her shoulder, she told him she didn’t need anything serious. That this wasn’t going anywhere. Just some fun.

Benvolio nodded as casually as he could and agreed. And at the time, he probably thought he wanted that too. But Benvolio knew himself well enough to know that he fell hard and fast. Much too hard and fast to be trusted with this situation. He should’ve stopped this the moment Rosaline warned him.

But he stayed. That was in January, a cold and lonely month. Maybe that’s why this whole thing between them was ever allowed to happen. Convenience. He lived across the hall. He just happened to be nearby when Rosaline needed someone.

He didn’t particularly mind being needed by Rosaline. He didn’t mind at all. There was just a part of him that wished she needed him, Benvolio, not just a warm body.

Benvolio's phone was now laid face down on his chest. Still as bare and as dry as it was 20 minutes ago. Benvolio sighed and lifted himself off the grimy couch. Why waste time waiting up for a girl a whole country away who probably forgot about you when you could get a few hours of desperately needed sleep? he reasoned. That’s not a sad use of my time at all.

Benvolio stretched his arms out, loosening his stiff muscles from his awkward position. He made his way to the bathroom to prepare for bed. After a quick and rather melancholy brushing of his teeth, he tread to his room.

He tossed off his shirt and jeans and threw himself on the bed, hastily getting under the covers. He tried his best to ignore the thoughts of Rosaline, who's figure had laid here just a few days ago before she had left for New York.

“Don’t think that once I leave, you and Mercutio can just watch Scandal without me. I swear our friendship will be over,” she had said, with a scrutinizing look on her face. Benvolio’s white sheets wrapped around her chest and her curls splayed wildly over her face.

“Capulet, I wouldn’t dare. Besides, Olivia Pope is no fun unless your constant criticisms about her wine addiction and so-called ‘white-man problem’ accompany her.”

Rosaline threw her head back and laughed. She shoved Benvolio playfully at his cheeky use of her own term.

“You’re not allowed to say white-man problem, Benvolio, because you, yourself, are a white-man problem.”

“Your words, not mine.” He shrugged before he wrapped his arms back around her. She closed her eyes and muttered something about white boys again under her breath.

Try as he might, the memory still twisted Benvolio’s insides.

Benvolio tried to close his eyes again and push all Rosaline thoughts from his mind. As soon as he found himself finally drifting off, his phone rang.

Benvolio jumped up fast, glad no one was there to see his embarrassingly quick reaction time. He scrambled for his phone, almost knocking over everything else on the nightstand in the process.

The screen’s bright light made him squint, unable to make out the words for a few seconds. Once his eyes focused, he didn’t hesitate to hit the answer button. It was Rosaline.

“Hello?” Benvolio answered breathily.

“Benvolio? Were you sleeping? Why is it so dark?”

Benvolio stuttered out an apology and reached to turn on a bedside lamp.

“Better?” he asked, hoping he sounded more put together now that he'd caught his breath.

“Better.” Rosaline said with a soft smile. Benvolio took in her appearance through the small screen. Her hair was wrapped up in a bun and she was wearing an old t-shirt Benvolio had seen a few times on his bedroom floor. She seemed to be outside somewhere, most likely extremely high up, as there were city lights lined up at her shoulder. She looked wide awake, despite the time there being ahead of L.A.

“Sorry I called so late, we got caught up.”

Benvolio’s cheeks heated up slightly. Her apology only reminded him of his recent dramatic episode on the couch. That was a short but depressing time of his life that he really would like to forget.

“Where are you?” he asked, trying to move the topic along.

“You’ll never guess.” Benvolio nodded nonchalantly. “Yeah, I probably won’t.”

Rosaline rolled her eyes.

“You’re no fun.”

Benvolio shrugged. A fond smile reached his face at the sight of her frowning lips.

“Maybe. But tell me.”

“Well, the hotel we were originally booked at had a little mouse problem. Guess who got transferred to the 4 Season’s Hotel as an apology for the inconvenience? We did!”

In the background, Benvolio heard a “Hell yeah we did!” which could only be Juliet. Another voice could be heard saying “Hi, Benny boy!”. It was followed by a glimpse of Livia’s face popping up behind Rosaline’s shoulder. Isabella also joined in, wiggling her eyebrows and putting up a peace sign when she entered the frame. Benvolio simply smiled and waved back.

Rosaline shooed them away and looked back at him, waiting for his response.

“Congratulations, Capulet, you’re rubbing elbows with the elite now. Better be careful before a rich boy comes and tries to sweep you up.”

“I already have a rich boy, Montague. Don’t act like you’re so far removed from the life of glamor when you literally owned a Mercedes Benz in high school.”

Rosaline beamed challengingly at Benvolio. He inhaled at the mention of being “hers” but quickly recovered.

“I left the life of luxury behind a long time ago. No more Mercedes Benz for me. I’ve been enlightened. I’ll stick to renting the tourist bikes.”

Rosaline scoffed. “Whatever you say, Ben.” The familiar nickname never ceased to make Benvolio’s chest squeeze.

“Now tell me, Rosaline. How’s the trip going?”

Rosaline told him the events of their first 2 days in the city with a bright grin and wide eyes. He knew that Livia, Juliet, and Isabella had taken great pains to convince Rosaline to actually take her head out of her books for spring break. Rosaline needed it. Benvolio was happy to see her so excited for once and not anxious over the next paper or the coming exam.

“But enough about me. Montague, how have you been? Is Mercutio still alive?  Did Romeo cry every 5 minutes over Juliet’s tragic absence?”

“I’m good. I’m assuming Merc is still breathing, but I haven’t seen him or Romeo. They headed out to some club.”

“Aw, did poor Benvolio get left out of the fun?” she teased in an unexpected baby voice. “Now you know what it's like to be the one who stays home while everyone else goes out. How’s it feel?”

Benvolio took in Rosaline’s amused face. Her soft lips were lifted in a smile. Her dark eyes seemed to be beckoning him to a city miles and miles away. He felt a surge of bravery run through his spine.

“Actually, Capulet I turned them down. I wanted to be here when you called.”

Rosaline was visibly taken off guard, as her mouth slightly dropped open and she didn’t respond immediately with some light joke. Benvolio swallowed and anxiously tapped his fingers against his side.

“Well, I’m really glad you picked up, Ben.” Rosaline answered back, her initial shock replaced with an inquiring, but kind, gaze. Benvolio could only stare back, lost in her eyes that even over the grainy connection seemed to shine clear as day. His fingers itched for a pencil and his sketchbook.

“Rosaline, come on, the pool closes in an hour!” screamed Juliet from a distance.

Their moment was promptly ended, and Rosaline sighed.

“I’ve been summoned,” she said in a grave voice as Isabella and Livia’s giggles sounded in the background.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow at a much earlier time. I swear.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Benvolio answered quietly, half-hoping Rosaline hadn’t heard, half-hoping she had.

She apparently had, as she responded, “I sure hope so.”

Rosaline’s eyes met his one last time. “Goodnight, Ben.”

The phone buzzed, ending the call. With a resounding thud, Benvolio dropped his phone onto his chest. His lips slowly lifted in an easy grin. Maybe he wasn’t so hopeless after all.

[expatimes]

How should we talk about suicide?

It has been three years since I got the call about my brother; my 49-year-old, funny, sentimental, handsome, troubled younger brother.

It is a call no one can prepare for and one that is accompanied by a tsunami of confusion, anger, disbelief and unimaginable despair.

My brother's suicide was a tragedy on many levels and, like most people who have endured this kind of loss, I was overwhelmed by contradictory emotions when I was told he was gone. How could he do this to our parents, to his kids, to our family, to me? Then, mixed up with my fury, came the guilt. Why didn't I answer the phone when he rang that day? Why didn't I tell him I loved him?

The writer's brother as a child [Photo courtesy of Leanne Pooley]

My brother grew up in a loving middle-class family with summers at the lake and friends all around. He was a talented athlete and a professional ice hockey player. He had lived in Canada and Europe, run a successful golf business, had a beautiful wife and two wonderful children.

Despite all this, he struggled with demons none of us who loved him could understand. He slipped into drug and alcohol abuse, lost his family and landed in a toxic relationship he knew was destructive.

Ultimately, ending the life he found unbearable became a more powerful option than learning how to fight for the life he deserved.

When my brother died I was thrown into a cycle familiar to many people who have lost someone in this way. I was tortured by ruminative thoughts; With myself that went around and around in my head. If only I could go back, change that one thing, unsay those words, make it different. If only I could reverse time. But I can't. Time only goes forward and no matter how many circular scenarios plague my imagination, I can't change what happened; I can't reverse time and that is hard to accept.

'We can't ask people to see the world through our eyes'

One of the strangest ironies of the situation I found myself in three years ago was the fact that when my brother died I was making a documentary about suicide. As a filmmaker I had often worked on projects that were close to my heart but never before had my life and my art so tangibly collided. Oddly, despite a brief moment when I considered walking away from the project, this bizarre twist of fate came to be a blessing. While working on the film I was exposed to people who knew what I was going through and could help me survive the emotional rollercoaster I was riding.

From them, I learned that while my initial reaction to my brother's death was to judge him as selfish, it is likely that in his mind the opposite was true. It is possible that for a brief, misguided moment, he believed his fatal decision would release our family from the strain of supporting him - that he was a burden and that, by exiting from our lives, he would be doing us a favor.

[Photo courtesy of Leanne Pooley] (Restricted Use)

He was wrong of course, but when people are as distressed as my brother was they do not see the world the way we do, and this too is a lesson. We cannot apply the logic of our lives to the chaos in theirs. My brother was in pain; His suffering was impossible for me to understand because I haven't experienced suffering like it. His pain was his own and asking him to think or feel the way I did was a mistake because my life experience had little in common with his. So, when I tried to reassure him that everything would be fine if he “just” did X or “just” said Y, I wasn't acknowledging his reality - things weren't fine and my saying they would be didn't change that for him. We can't ask people to see the world through our eyes, we can only try to help them see past the darkness blocking their view.

'I couldn't fix my brother'

I don't want to imply that my brother bore no responsibility for the circumstances he found himself in. He made numerous bad choices, wasted many opportunities and often didn't take advantage of the help that was offered to him. Both my parents exhausted themselves emotionally and financially trying to "sort him out". There were endless discussions about tough love, enabling, interventions and what he “really” needed. None of us had an answer and I now feel that too many of these conversations were had without him in the room.

Added to this is the compassion fatigue I and others faced when dealing with my brother and his “issues”. He tended to reach out when he was in crisis and there were many late-night, early morning or simply ill-timed phone calls that went on for hours. Drunken, stoned, sometimes desperate calls I had to steel myself for; calls that exasperated and exhausted me - calls I came to avoid, including the one I didn't answer the day he died.

Would answering my phone have helped? I will never know for sure and there-in lies one of the internal circular dialogues I still navigate. But what I now understand is I couldn't have saved him, because we can't save people - we can only be there to help them save themselves. This might sound trite, but it is a truism that is difficult for someone like me. I like to fix things and I couldn't fix my brother.

Unlike many people who take their own lives, my brother had never attempted suicide before. He left no note to help us understand his state of mind nor did he leave me a message that day. He had been struggling with addiction issues and depression for a significant period of time and while he had been in and out of rehab in the months leading up to his death, I thought he was doing ok. I did know, however, that his connection to hope was tenuous and, in a pattern I had become accustomed to, his slide into despair was rapid; in this case too rapid for me to respond.

The writer's brother [Photo courtesy of Leanne Pooley]

The debate about what should and shouldn't be said about suicide goes on. There is reticence when talking about it as we fear triggering the vulnerable. Although I accept there is risk in everything we do, I would argue the silence that shrouds this topic makes it more difficult for those of us left behind. And there are so very many of us left behind. It seems that any time I mention my brother's death, the person I am talking to has a story of their own. The parent they lost, the sibling, the child, the friend, the lover. It is ubiquitous and the often-whispered tones that relate melancholy stories illustrate to me the shame that taints the subject of suicide and those of us touched by it. We are admitting failure; my love wasn't enough to keep my brother alive.

I felt this failing most keenly when I finished my documentary. I had buried my grief beneath its making, convincing myself that there was a reason I was doing this thing at this time, and there was. But when it was done and my brother's name appeared in honorarium as the final credits rolled - I fell apart. I had made a film that addressed the issues that had, in part, led to my brother's death, it was meant to mean something - but he was still dead.

'I will always wonder'

For my parents, the weight of losing my brother was to prove overwhelming. My 78-year-old father's health collapsed almost immediately and he died six weeks later, I believe, from a broken heart. My mother, who had been a young 75, not long retired and physically formidable, aged exponentially and has subsequently struggled to recover. The only glimmer of light in what was a dark time was the way this long-divorced couple came together in their grief.

I wish I could say that in the three years since my brother's passing I have had an epiphany of some kind or that I have deep effectual insights to share with others who inhabit a similar space; but I haven't and I don't. There are still days when I'm consumed by sadness and I find it difficult to explain the hollowness I feel inside to those close to me. I am fundamentally an optimistic person, but at times it is hard to maintain that outlook and we do the truth a disservice by pretending it is not. Helping people deal with mental illness is crucial if we want to stem the rising numbers of those choosing to take their own lives. We also need to ensure when the outcome is not what we would have wanted that the grief-stricken find the understanding and support they need, too. Once suicide has permeated our psyche it is with us forever. I have found a way to live with the hole in my heart but the hole will always be there. I will never stop loving my brother and I will always wonder what he rang to say that terrible day.

The one thing I feel certain about is that we are failing to find a way to discuss suicide in a manner that protects those at risk while freeing those impacted. I am not sure what the answer to this problem is but we need to keep looking for it or we condemn millions of families, lovers and friends to lonely bewilderment and endless anguish. For now, all I can do is remind myself that my brother's life wasn't just about his ending and there are wonderful memories to be cherished alongside the ones I need to let go.

If you or someone you know is at risk of suicide, these organizations may be able to help.

. #world Read full article: https://expatimes.com/?p=12595&feed_id=11648

[supaliaxpress]

Episodes 9 & 10 Goblin Review: I was thinking about whether or not I should hold your hand one more time

Here’s eps 9 and 10 review of GR and Sunny’s relationship. In episode 9, GR finally tells Eun-tak the truth regarding the sword. GR assures Eun-tak that he’s on her side and we later find out that the reason behind this is because he genuinely wants Shin to live. Finally Shin and Sunny meet, however, under a difficult situation since Eun-tak quit her job and Sunny wasn’t exactly pleased to meet him. Shin sees a glimpse of her future. What’s interesting about this confrontation are 1) it’s similar to when Shin walks past his sister before she dies and 2) Sunny calls him “big brother.” This likely was to reference that Sunny is his sister, but it seems like Shin can’t sense her reincarnation despite being a goblin (and her brother). I would never have imagined GR agreeing to use the death announcement cards as a way to save ET from death. It seems like only GR can see the names written on the cards and Shin cannot - probably perks to being a grim reaper. The part that confuses me is that the reason why ET’s name wasn’t on the death list was because she wasn’t officially registered as “living” and therefore death is always seeking her to balance things out; however, Shin was able to see her future but he can’t see when she is in danger. Perhaps, there is a greater power at play that is preventing Shin from seeing her future? If so, this would make it seem like God really wants one of them to die hence Samshin’s warning. 

The fortune teller is no joke, lol. She warned Sunny that the man she is seeing is a grim reaper and she shouldn’t accept the ring because it holds sins & grudges of the previous owner. Perhaps the reason why she can’t sense the sins and grudges of the ring is because she is the owner? Ahh… I just love all the Gong Yoo references in this drama (Train to Busan… face of a dinosaur… coziest cafe voice… and now his own name). It’s adorable that she is thinking of GR and contemplates on what to message him; while GR is there reading her mind and answers all of her questions!!! This definitely means that they have a connection. However, he freaks her out (again) and we see GR flash the most genuine smile when he hears her sing - the funny thing is that Sunny sings a “religious” song despite GR choosing his religion as atheist lol. The most touching moment between Sunny and ET - they react the first time ET came in for the job (seeing these girls tear up made me cry). The bromance and big sister love in this drama is perfect! Ah, it’s so nice to see GR, ET, and Shin get along so well, I just want to protect them forever (loved how ET pushed GR)!

Lastly, the awkward double date between our two couples. GR being his naive self… tried his best to woo Sunny but failed terribly to where if felt déjà vu for her (so it seems like even GR’s magic doesn’t fully affect her too). Sunny and Shin definitely act like pestering siblings, lmao… but sadly all the fun and games ended when GR messed up: he said her real name!! Episode 10 revealed all the answers to our questions as we learned more about the past. After Sunny grabs GR’s hand, GR sees the image of the queen in her. The funny thing is that Sunny confronts him on who he really is… but she said it’s fine as long as he’s not the first two options (therefore leaving grim reaper option out and suggesting that maybe she “knows” or she’s fine with him being a grim reaper?). GR begins to question who Sunny is and who he is - how is he connected to Sunny, Shin’s sister, and Shin. He takes the initiative by taking the ring back from Sunny to conduct research and Sunny wants to know the results as well. Apart of GR’s research, he learns about the past from Shin’s perspective and that Shin’s sister was the queen. 

Okay… Sunny is definitely her reincarnation cause the first thing they’re both concerned about is whether if the guy is handsome, lmao!! xD

It’s surprising how honest GR has become despite being secretive towards Sunny, lol (that heaven comment was perfect). I loved how he blatantly told her he wanted to hold her hand again (it was hilarious how he covered his phone with ice haha - product advertisement done right xD). Despite Sunny being super excited about their date, it ended exactly the opposite of the theme she had chosen, “The theme for today’s date will be “warm and sweet.” Probably the biggest factor contributing towards Sunny’s character is that - though she is very flirtatious, likes handsome men, and wants a relationship - she knows when to back out if the other person is not responding back, especially if there’s not a good foundation of trust between them. 

In GR and Sunny’s relationship, Sunny has constantly been the only one giving genuine and honest answers about who she is, while GR has to hide his identity because he has no choice. It hurts to be in a relationship when you’re the only one giving but not receiving the same in return and that’s why Sunny “broke up” their relationship - you want to know the person you like. Showing affection only can take a relationship so far before it starts to fall apart. Their relationship is different compared to Shin and ET’s relationship. Shin and ET have a healthy relationship built on trust, sincerity, and love; while GR and Sunny haven’t taken the first step into forming a healthy relationship - being honest with each other. I don’t blame her for “breaking up” because she does deserve to know who GR really is and it goes to show that Sunny has morals and values that she upholds - being handsome can’t get you everything. The way she broke up with GR indicates that she may be waiting for him to finally be honest about himself and that she may be giving him space and time to figure it out on his own. Of course, my heart hurt for our poor GR, he looked so sad and lost. T.T 

It was really cute to see Shin and ET trying to cheer up GR about being dumped by Sunny… especially Shin’s “Fighting!” and when they tried to set them up. But the plan failed (thanks to Shin’s genius comments)… and poor GR was trying to pass as an “angel.” The person who needs to come fix GR and Sunny’s relationship is our one and only Deok-hwa!! GR gets some advice from a doctor and the doctor couldn’t have said it better, “Everyone recovers from the hurt they feel from a farewell, at different speeds, try to focus on certain things that will make you recover faster instead.” I think this kinda suggests for the future episodes that GR needs to focus on Sunny and stop worrying that he’s a grim reaper, because we all know that the only thing that makes him genuinely happy is Sunny! And finally, it’s confirmed by both Shin and GR that Sunny is indeed Shin’s sister’s reincarnation. It’s important to note that, at first, GR didn’t tell Shin what he saw when Sunny touched him, but what changed his mind is that he’s trying to understand who Sunny is and learn more about himself… (plus he probably didn’t like how Shin was essentially bad-mouthing his sister, as well as, the person he likes lol). Last but not least, we learn that adult king Wang Yeo is GR!! Even though it’s just a short scene… there’s so much to analyze from the body language to his facial expression. 

Personally, Wang Yeo looks isolated as he is seated far away from the throne which is in the back - this is important and ironic because he killed Shin and his family because he felt his throne was in danger. He looks dejected as his hair is messy and it seems like he’s sitting in a hunched position - definitely the opposite of how a king should sit and appear. And most importantly, his expression is of someone who looks tired, lost, lonely, sad, and guilty with his eyes wandering down into the distance as if he’s lost in his thoughts/memories. In conclusion, I think we’ll learn more about Wang Yeo’s story as GR tries to unravel his own past, while he tries to reconcile with Sunny because she is the key to his memories. Now the question remains, how exactly will GR and Sunny regain their memories since they’ve already met each other and GR knows the story? There must be something else that we haven’t seen/learned of and it will probably play a huge role in their relationship (I still think the ring has an important role that we haven’t seen yet). I want to see Sunny’s reaction when she learns GR is a grim reaper… will she play it cool since she’s already experienced weird things? Either way, these two need to reconcile soon cause I just can’t handle seeing a depressed GR.

On the bright side… here’s an image of our adorable GR doing a peace sign

Other Reviews:

Episode 1-4 Review: Our Homegirl Eun-tak

Episode 5 Review: 10 years into the future, You’re still beautiful and bright as ever, but I’m not the one beside you

Episode 3-6 Review: I can’t help but stare at your smile (Grim Reaper x Sunny Relationship Review)

Episode 6 Review: If you had really been a bad person, he only would’ve created a Goblin, and not the Goblin’s Bride

Episode 7-8 Review: It couldn’t be helped that this was the beginning of this tragic love story (Grim Reaper x Sunny Relationship Review)

Episode 7 Review: Is the thing that I’m trying to steal one more glimpse of… my own immortal life? Or, is it your face?

Episode 8 Review: I beseech the heavens and ask that, on a certain day, after 100 years, on an adequate day... I can finally tell her she was my first love

Episode 9 Review: I’d like it if I could use that as an excuse to continue on living on... together, with you

Episode 10 Review: Your magic doesn’t work on me.. you can never escape me

Episode 11 Review: So you did come and go for a moment in my life

Episode 12 Review: An absolute fate that is beyond human beings’ eternities

Episode 13 Review: My Life must have been a reward because I met you

Episode 14 Review: Please, someone save me from this curse

Episode 15 & 16 Review: The Person left behind must go on living life

Deok Hwa and Grandpa Theory Review: From this moment on, this child will serve you, your Lordship

Important Anon Question regarding Pedophilia