#but phil really scares me with how quickly he works on his projects. I don't watch every vod or stream on hardcore cuz i don't have time-

[robby-bobby-tommy]

The friendly lumberjack obliterates a forest and causes a climate change

[CLOSE UPS UNDER THE CUT]

Yooo, rare RBT W lmao. This is a first drawing in months that I actually like:D

I love watching Phil's streams from time to time, cuz they're so chill and chaotic somehow.

[go-learn-esperanto]

I'm browsing through my drafts and damn I wrote this in January. Still think it should be posted

Ours Poetica mini chapter review that I started writing some time ago (edit: HAHAHA SOME TIME AGO. 4 MONTHS AGO IS MORE LIKE IT. Future me knows) and I just now managed to be in a head space to continue! It's a really heavy chapter. Ours Poetica is already heavy but this chapter really takes the cake.

[read the chapter tw because this one goes there, it really does]

So… spoilers.

*heavy sigh* man.

This fic is like you are in the thickest fog imaginable and you just want to have a little bit of sun.

The beginning where you have Ranboo and Tubbo running for their lives while trying to find Tommy in the house, terrified of what they would find, and Techno has yet to realise what is actually happening... And then they are hit with the Tommy's discarded thoughts and oh gods how is that gonna end.

In a way I feel awful, in another I feel glad that it happened. Here's the thing — Poor Tubbo and Ranboo are literally having an anxiety attack over the possibility that Tommy tried to commit suicide again (very thankfully that wasn't the case but they still don't know that) and that's heartbreaking on so many levels. And I hate to say this but I think on the other hand this was good thing to scare Wilbur and Techno to make them realise that what's wrong is not a small thing and they need to get their shit together quickly.

Also, so many people, Tubbo, Ranboo, Sam, Puffy and Dream (and Ponk although they weren't involved in the searching for Tommy) care so much about the kid. That really warms my heart.

The only thing I have to criticize, mainly Puffy and Dream although I completely understand and don't really fault them, is that they were concentrating their anger too much on Wilbur... I know they don't know the full picture but I think in a way Wilbur is just as broken as Tommy. A good proof of that in this chapter is the flash of memory Tommy had when talking with Sam:

(I’m not a monster, he had heard his brother weep once, late in the night after another screaming match with Dad. His brother had slipped into his room after, had tucked himself under Tommy’s covers, comforter and all, and had taken his little brother’s hand. Promise me, he had pleaded, brown eyes round and glistening in the faint breath of Tommy’s night-light cast upon his cheeks, promise me I’m not a monster. And Tommy had done so without hesitation)

(Now, he wondered if he could say the same thing about himself)

That family needs help as a group and all their problems involve Phil dealing horribly with grief which literally affected all his 3 sons. Wilbur practically raised Tommy. And when Wilbur couldn't handle it anymore and left, Phil just... Didn't really act as a parent. Now that Wilbur and Techno are back he actually tries to know what Tommy is doing for once in his life, but Wilbur did notice something was wrong anyway. However Wilbur is an emotional disaster that loves his father (because most sons do, it's all they know) and will have to admit that his father neglected them and was not great at the cost of the fragile family stability that exists at the moment. And he says a lot he doesn't mean. And that's a problem. He's a jackass then cries. He's simultaneously the best and worse person to go in that family to talk about your feelings.

When he was mean to Tommy he came back to Techno's room to have a breakdown about it. His idea of family is crumbling apart and he notices and he doesn't want it to happen but he needs to let it so they can get better. I think Wilbur realised this when Ranboo and Tubbo angrily and panicked screamed at him to see Tommy. He let them.

Poor Ranboo... He really... Almost had a panick attack. And it was very understandable and Tommy's brothers don't know and suddenly Techno finds that scrapped poem and they are forced to see... I hope after the scare they can do something about themselves. They aren't being bad siblings on purpose.

The situation is so complicated.

And Sam fucking deciding he wanted to marry Ponk while being on a run because the whole slam poetry group was worried for Tommy's life made me feel so guilty for finding it such a funny situation...

The part at the end with Tommy and Sam was just gorgeous. It's so sorrowful but relatable. I wish it wasn't because that does say something about me.

I really didn't want to copy paste so much but this really resonated with me.

“They don’t talk about how much you mourn before you attempt suicide.” There was a hollowness there, as if his words were coins dropped into a well with no end in sight, forever hurtling downwards. Forever falling. He licked his lips, tasting the dew of dawn’s arrival on his tongue, the aftermath of midnight rain. With a heavy swallow, he continued: “They don’t talk about that dread. The way you sit on the bathroom floor for hours with a pill bottle in your hand, and really think to yourself how much will I be missing if I do this? If I succeed? If I…‘give up’?

“You know, I cried for days before That Night, trying to say goodbye,” a bitter laugh lodged itself in his throat, trapped in the quivering folds of his voice box, “I thought I had made peace, had said goodbye to everything worth loving. I was already counting out the pills and playing my favorite songs and it hit me like bam, I will never get married. It was like-like a shotgun. A bullet hole; I won’t get to see my own wedding day, hell, even my brothers’ wedding days. And for some reason that…that terrified me.”

(…)

“And I don’t even know if I want to get married, or if I’m even into that romantic stuff, but, like, that thought of ‘holy shit I don’t even get a chance’…that was the scary part, y’know?” He ignored the way in which his eyes stung, how with every sentence his tongue grew heavy. Long gone was that furious little beast inside his chest, replaced with a mournful howl that rattled his ribs and had his stomach flipping. He bit the inside of his cheek: he had to keep it together. He couldn’t let Mr. Sam see him break. “And knowing that, sitting alone on a bathroom floor knowing that I was going to die alone, it hurt, you know? Like, I would never get to do those teenager things—never go to prom, never get my driver’s license, never, fuck, I don’t know, fall in love? Have my first kiss? I was giving up all of that! But there was no future for me, and it was pointless to keep pretending there was. I was tired of living a lie, but somehow coming to terms with that truth, that this was it for me…it hurt so much.”

Thinking about this almost always makes me cry. Because it's so true, at least for me. A lot of times the person who's thinking about committing suicide is just so scared of doing it. Not the because of the act itself funnily enough, but because of the consequences. In a way I think that fear can be what saves you from going with it.

But suicide ideation is so much more than sadness or anger or egoism, it's so many dark things mixed together in the worst combination and you either feel alone because nobody cares about you or you think you're just making everyone's life worse by staying, which is obviously a lie. I think this chapter made an amazing job at explaining the feelings behind suicidal thoughts while showing that in the end, there's always someone that cares, and will really wish for you to stay. And it's actually worse if you go, so much worse.