#but overall just plays it as white noise in the background while working

[unicornpopcorn14]

Chuuya staying on the call for an hour, just listening to Dazai chatter with his coworkers or whoever he's with, musing about how comfortable he sounds, and not hanging up until Dazai realizes is just so...

Dazai buttdialing Chuuya because he never got around to deleting Chuuya's number. Sometimes he'll be in the car with the others, and Chuuya actually picks up on the off-chance that Dazai meant to call him, and all Chuuya hears is just screaming he can't make out.

Chuuya's literally ??? the hell, man.

The next time Dazai has to get his phone out for something, he either sees that he's been on a call with Chuuya for almost an hour or that he already called Chuuya. His eyes widen, dread creeps up his spine, and he goes oh, crap.

[matriayawrites]

The Hot Zone

wordcount: 30k

rating: e

pairings: travis konecny/nolan patrick, travis konecny/ofc, (tk/pat endgame!!)

tags: covid times, pat has an onlyfans, friends to lovers, omg they were roommates

a/n: i finally finished it babyyyyyy!!!

Ao3 link

Preview of ch 1:

Travis is worried at first when the whole fucking world goes into lockdown for COVID and he gets trapped in a two bedroom Philly apartment with Nolan, but honestly, it’s been kind of fantastic. Like sure, half the time they get on each other’s nerves. Nolan has threatened to toss him off their 11th story balcony on more than one occasion, and once, Travis was a little worried he actually might. 

But overall? It’s pretty great. 

Nolan’s been his best friend since they were in middle school, which makes them the perfect lockdown buddies. They had more sleepovers growing up than Travis could count. This is sort of like that, only with adult money. And they have to work from home for 8-10 hours a day. And Travis’s mom isn’t around to bring them snacks. Whatever. The honest truth is, if Travis has to be stuck in an apartment for an unknown amount of time with any person, he’s glad it’s Nolan. 

Travis’s job working at Valvoline is on hold since no one needs their oil changed when they don’t go anywhere, but the company was able to transfer him temporarily to online support, which he can do from the comfort of his living room. Nolan? Nolan makes his money a different way:

On OnlyFans. 

Travis will admit it’s kind of weird at first. It’s not like he doesn’t know Nolan is gay. Travis was the first person Nolan came out to back in high school when he developed an inconvenient crush on the football quarterback. Nolan having sex isn’t a surprise either. He picks up more dudes than Travis ever has ladies, and Travis isn’t exactly a slouch in that department - (or wasn’t, before a global pandemic squashed his sex life like a bug.) 

But sex work? It was weird at first.

He’s come to terms with it. Now it’s just…a thing Nolan does. After Travis gets off work, they have dinner, play some video games or watch a movie or something, and then Nolan goes into his room, shuts his door, and jerks off in front of strangers. A lot of strangers, if his paychecks are to be believed. Travis hasn’t ever looked him up. Sure, he’s been curious. Who wouldn’t be? Sometimes he has to wear earplugs at night to keep the sound of Nolan moaning to a minimum. But actually looking always felt like crossing a line. 

He supports his best friend no matter what, and if that means getting a white noise machine and industrial-strength Loop earplugs to sleep at night, then that’s what he’ll do. 

It doesn’t affect Travis much, other than the sleep concessions, until one day it does.

Eight pm looks like a fucking dream across Philly, with the sun splashing everything in a beautiful orange. Travis keeps one curtain open, and there’s a slant of sunlight across the living room that’s starting to leak onto the TV screen, which is kind of annoying, but is also so pretty that he doesn’t mind. Yet. 

He’s not even really watching ESPN, just has it on in the background while he’s scrolling his phone. Instagram is the same damn thing over and over. This depressing/hopeful see-saw of people moaning about their cooped up state, mixed with exotic pictures of foreign locales they all wish they could be at. 

There’s one of Sanny and his girlfriend, tucked up all cute together on the sofa with their dogs. Hashtag quarantine, hashtag blessed. Another of Travis’s brother Chase with his wife and their little girl, all masked up and giving the cameras thumbs up. Hashtag mask up for life, hashtag covid strong. It makes something in Travis’s chest ache. He sees his friends and family pretty frequently over Zoom. He and Sanny had lunch over Zoom this afternoon, even. But it’s not the same. He fucking misses everyone. 

Nolan emerges from his room wearing a ratty pair of basketball shorts and a scowl. Travis looks up long enough to register the grumpy expression, then looks back down at his phone again. Honestly, if he’d had to do this whole quarantining thing without Nolan, he’d have gone insane ages ago.

Nolan drops down onto the couch beside him, one arm slung over the armrest, and props his bare feet up on the coffee table. 

“They know who you are.” He doesn’t look at Travis, keeps his gaze on the Sixers highlights reel. 

“ That’s cryptic.” Travis says, reaching over to punch Nolan lightly on the arm. “Who knows who I am? The mafia?” 

Nolan is unusually pink-cheeked for eight pm. He blushes like a motherfucker a lot of the time, and Travis has run into him in the hallway in the middle of the night before when he was taking a break from streaming to find him so fucking red he’d looked like he’d smeared lipstick on his cheeks, but normal Nolan doesn’t always ruffle easily.

This Nolan? Sitting next to Travis right now, avoiding his gaze? This Nolan looks ruffled.

“My fans.” Nolan mumbles. 

That makes Travis put his phone down.

“Your what?” he asks.

Nolan lets out a long, dramatic sigh and rolls his head along the back of the couch to look at Travis.

“My fans. My subscribers. I was streaming from a different angle the other day and the door wasn’t totally shut and you walked by. Now they know who you are.” 

Travis laughs. “So? Did you tell them you live alone or something?” 

It earns him another even bitchier sigh.

“No. I didn’t tell them anything about that, but they…I don’t know. Assumed? And now they think you’re my boyfriend or whatever.”  Nolan’s words go decidedly mumbly on that last bit, and Travis laughs even harder.

“Bud, you wish you could pull someone as hot as me.” He leans over and jostles Nolan with his shoulder. Nolan’s a solid wall, deeply entrenched in the cushions by this point, so he barely moves. He gives Travis a small smirk, which they both know means Nolan can and has pulled people way hotter than Travis before, but he gives Travis the small victory. 

“Just tell them we’re roommates or whatever. Who cares.” Travis tells him.

It’s sweet of Nolan to worry, but Travis doesn’t give two shits what a bunch of horny men and women on the internet think about him. He doubts it’s enough to identify him if push comes to shove, and the people at his work aren’t likely to subscribe to Nolan’s channel. Maybe. Probably not. 

“I get it dude.” He reaches out and pats Nolan’s thigh. “You like to keep it separate. You want me to come on and do an AMA? Ask the Straight Best Friend?” 

Nolan grins.  “They’d eat you alive,” he snorts. 

Travis may not know what Nolan’s fans are like, but he follows a few women on OnlyFans. He knows what people can be like in the comments section. The sunset is turning half of Nolan’s face orange now, and it’s kind of pretty. He’s just so pale, and it makes him look like an ethereal modern art piece. 

“Yeah, probably. But if it makes it easier for you…” he trails off.

He knows Nolan’s been struggling. Fuck, everyone on the planet is struggling right now, but beneath his gruff hermit exterior, Nolan’s a bit of a soft nugget. They don’t exactly talk about this shit because duh, but Travis has heard him talking to his mom over Zoom, getting weepy when he thinks Travis can’t hear. And like… maybe they should talk about this shit, because it’s a big deal! Anything he can do to make Nolan’s life better, he’s going to do, no questions asked. 

Nolan doesn’t answer for a solid two minutes, just stares at the basketball players as they run across the screen, and lets out a huff of derision as Embiid misses his free throw. Just when Travis has decided Nolan’s going to ignore his suggestion entirely, Nolan turns his head again to look at Travis. 

“Yeah.” Nolan says with a small smile. “That would be cool.” 

[pampanope]

hey got any tips for mental health? i’m not feeling good again and i don’t want to attempt for a 3rd time

~ the hidden blog 🫶

Hey anon!

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling down 🫂

Hope things get better for you soon!

I don’t claim to be an expert on mental health and I don’t know your story.

But here’s some stuff that’s helped me in the past:

1. Have an easy to follow routine in your day to day.

It’s hard doing anything or even to think of doing anything when you’re in a slump, but having a consistent set of actions to do would lessen the burden of daily life.

2. Chatter as white noise

I tend to withdraw from people whenever i get into a depressive slump. But I do find the noise of chatter without the expectation of me responding to be soothing. Social interaction without the interaction lol

For me, having a youtube video playing in the background helped, preferably videos narrating a story or a sketchbook tour vid. Even sitting in a place like a library, park or McDonalds has helped. The whole point is to not be lonely while you’re alone.

3. Sleep

Yeah this ones the most obvious one lol and I’m sure you already know that sleep is directly connected to overall mood.

But it’s helped a lot to sleep earlier whenever a day ends up turning to shit. It doesn’t always work, sometimes you still feel down the next day, but at least your body will be well rested.

4. Avoid or limit social media

The thing is, when you’re in a more emotionally fragile state, the constant influx of stimuli from social media sites will be emotionally taxing.

If you haven’t already, block or unfollow anyone or anything that makes you feel worse.

And try to avoid doom scrolling when you’re down; the negativity you feel on a regular day will be magnified when you’re doom scrolling in a slump.

So yeah, just stuff that’s helped me before.

Again, I don’t know your situation or what happened to make you feel this way.

But I know that it will pass.

The best any one of us can do is to weather the storm, either alone or with other people, whichever works best for you.

The smallest accomplishment, whether it be making your bed or washing some dishes, is to be celebrated.

Take each day, each task, one at a time.

Nothing lasts forever. Especially depressive slumps.

Godspeed anon, and please feel free to stop by again should you ever want or need to~

[writerpey]

Regressor Carmy Berzatto

I haven’t seen ANY agere content for the bear! and you know what they say… if you want a thing done, do it yourself. so… here’s an incredibly long post all about carmy as a regressor! side note: this is probably my favourite agere piece I’ve ever written. I just love the show so so much and understand carmy’s character very deeply (TW for bereavement, anxiety, typical carmy things etc etc)

Carm regresses for blatantly obvious reasons. His tumultuous family structure both before and after Mikey’s death, his time spent in New York under a verbally abusive head chef, and his overall inability to cope with it all. There’s a deep longing in him to go back to a time before he knew something was terribly wrong with both his family and himself.

He started regressing for the first time when he moved away from home to New York. Carm started paying more attention to the haze that would cover his eyes and grip his heart tightly when he felt so anxious it’d make him sick, his confusion from the familiar sensation of panic fading interchangeably into an odd feeling of comfort that he simply didn’t have the strength to hold off. As he spent more time working in NY, the feeling grew and grew, until one night he found himself coming out of his haze and realizing (as if a lightbulb appeared above his head) that feeling like a kid again, feeling small, helped the hurt in his heart go away, if even for a moment.

Carm started regressing in small ways. He’d make a comfort meal that reminded him of good times spent with his mom, or he would have the TV playing cartoons in the background as he perfected a veal consommé. He lied to himself about it in the beginning, convincing himself he needed the noise of the television to replicate what being in the kitchen was like, or that he wanted to see if he could perfect his mother’s recipes.

He didn’t truly understand how deep his regression went until Mikey passed. The child inside him cried out for his big brother, in desperate heaving sobs that left Carmy in a ball on his living room floor and his fingers in his mouth. Carm spent many nights battling horrid panic attacks by curling up on the cold floor in this manner.

And so while The Beef was sinking and Carmy was in charge of it all, he stayed afloat amongst his nightmares and reality which was the nightmare by regressing.

Carmy is a sweet, quiet and stuttering little. Always a shy boy, from his childhood onwards, he’s the least likely person to tell anyone about his regression, let alone his anxiety and trauma. So he spends most of his time regressing alone. Carm loves to draw and colour and make art when he’s regressed, usually sketching his favourite cartoon characters or funky dish ideas that come to mind even when he’s small. Most of his works of art end up crumpled and thrown in the trash because of his self-conscious nature, but occasionally he’ll be very happy with his work and he’ll put it away at the bottom of a drawer somewhere to look at when he’s little again.

He’s also keen on cooking when he’s little, but doesn’t do a very good job at it. His patience is even shorter than when he’s big, and his attempts at cookies have ended up in frustrated tears and an empty stomach. Carm has a tough time getting enough to eat when he’s regressed, and so he ended up freezing portion-sized meals that are simple for him to warm up when he’s feeling small.

Because Carmy is naturally shy, he has a difficult time accepting some of his traits and desires when he’s regressed. He doesn’t have anything child-like aside from a plush puppy that he keeps stuffed away in his dresser under a thousand white t-shirts, and it only comes out on nights when he’s feeling significantly smaller than usual. Its ears have been chewed at and its stuffing is lumpy, but Carm would rather set fire to his restaurant than walk into the children’s aisle of a store and buy another plushie.

Carmy is an emotional little. When he’s happy or excited his eyes practically twinkle and sparkle, and when he’s upset or embarrassed he turns red from his ears to his neck and his eyes prickle with hot tears. A tell-tale sign that he’s about to cry is when his bottom lip trembles or he runs to hide somewhere. Being in a small, dark space makes Carm feel safer to cry.

Nat and Richie are the only two people who truly know about Carm’s regression. He told Nat, in a longwinded roundabout way that made half the sense he wanted it to, but Richie found out by coming over uninvited and interacting with a Carmy who was half regressed and half trying to act like his usual self. A screaming match about Richie being an everyday asshole and Carmy being a stubborn asshole ended with embarrassed tears running down Carmy’s face and a rather shocked Richie. Richie drew Carmy into his arms and apologized while Carmy failed in shoving him off and instead quietly accepted the comfort.

Carm’s regressed at work before, a prospect drawn on by a panic attack outside during his break from being overstimulated in the kitchen, alongside the impending feeling of doom that came with the thought that he wasn’t good enough to be at the helm of anything, let alone Mikey’s lost dream.

Upon coming back to the kitchen, he completely shut down, frozen in place with his eyes focused on nothing, his mind somewhere else. Richie’s concerned utterances of ‘cousin’ and the feeling of his hands patting his face and shaking his shoulders brought him back to the surface, his eyes wide and terrified when he looked up at Richie. One glance around the kitchen to see Syd staring at him with a mixture of pity and concern made a garbled, strange sort of whine leave his throat, and Richie immediately led him back outside. The older man knew what was going on when Carmy declined a smoke with a jerky shake of his head, and called Nat to take him home.

Nat doted on Carmy like a mother when she got him settled into his apartment, the younger completely silent and meek as she bustled around his bedroom, fluffing pillows and bringing him hot tea that he accidentally sloshed all over his sheets. She uncovered his plush puppy from under one of his pillows and he had smacked it out of her hand while holding the tea. He practically cowered when she stared him down angrily, and reluctantly accepted the puppy when she picked it up and pushed it into his arms with a resounding, “that wasn’t very nice, Carm.” It’s safe to say Carmy didn’t call her for over a week afterwards, ashamed to have let her see him in that state. Telling her about his regression by no means meant that he would ever feel ready for her to really see it. His puppy was back to being jammed in his dresser in no time. But Nat was more than happy to be able to take care of her brother, content with seeing him deal with his feelings in a way better than fading after a panic attack and cussing out his employees and chain smoking. It did break her heart a little to see him so much like the baby brother she once knew, but it wasn’t as if it was unfamiliar territory to take care of him.

Carmy’s regression took on another layer when he decided to close The Beef and start fresh. Syd seemed to make sure of it, at least. She had no idea he regressed, and the thought of her finding out squeezed Carm’s insides with a vice grip. But her kindness and willingness to forgive him when he slipped up helped him to focus— both on the restaurant and the thought that maybe he could be kinder to himself when he felt small. Syd made him feel small sometimes, and not in a way that was an escape from his own issues, but rather a warm, safe place to come to when he felt comfortable, alive, and strangely contented. Her reaction to his food art did that, for one.

Her praise of his drawings made him less critical of his own when he was regressed at home, and the mere thought of her being impressed put the softest of smiles on Carmy’s face after he drew the latest dish she had been working on. He smacked it on his fridge with a magnet and didn’t take it down even when he was no longer feeling small.

Even just the domesticity of having Syd over to test new dishes and techniques made him more comfortable and willing to embrace his inherent small-ness. He liked being around her outside of the restaurant, her company giving him a sense of family without the sting of Mikey’s memory. Carmy found himself thinking about her more often when regressed, daydreaming about how she would treat him and quietly asking his puppy what it thought of Syd.

With newfound confidence from Syd’s steadying presence in his life, Carmy was willing to throw crayons into his basket while doing a grocery run. On top of the crayons came a head of lettuce, and then beside it his favourite childhood snack. He allowed himself a little more happiness, a little more to make him smile instead of climbing into his closet with his hands over his ears.

Things were far from perfect, but Carmy knew that if any part of his long broken heart wanted to heal, he had to be willing to let his regression — and his loved ones — be a part of that process.

<3

[chronicbeans]

Dreamcore/Weirdcore Wally x Reader

What a nice dream.

TW: Derealization, Scopophobia, Brief mention of Depression/Anxiety and Therapy

You remember this place... it didn't quite look like this, but you can still recognize it. The unnaturally bright grass, the various flowers, the strange insects and the sky that looks all too... blurry? You don't know how to describe it. Everything has an unnatural haze over it, so it might just be that and not the sky's fault. And the music! The cheerful music! It plays in the background, quiet, but still noticable, like you are in a show or videogame. It sounds so childish and filled with wonder!

You stand up from your place on a bench, brushing a few purple leaves off your clothes. The air is somehow both chilly and warm, with each gust that blows by having a different temperature than the last. You hear a familiar, sweet voice call out to you.

"Oh, (Y/N)? Is that you? Oh, sweetie, let me have a look at you!" A small plush bird skips over to you, looking up at you. She has no feathers, instead having a patchwork variety of bright colors to make up for it. You smile, picking her up and holding her at eye level. "Hello, Poppy! It's been a while, hasn't it?"

She flutters her felt wings, chirping "It really has! You've grown so much since we last saw you! Oh, how long ago was that...? You were just a small child, back then. Now look at you! You're all grown up! That might explain a few things..." She mumbles the last sentence, her button eyes blinking a few times, before she shakes her head and brightens up, again. "There's been a few changes around here! I guess you can say we've all matured a little while you were away. How about we go see Frank? He should be with Sally, setting up a play."

With that, you place Poppy on your shoulder and begin walking to Sally's house. The stage is right next to her lovely little home, so they should be around that area. As you walk through the dreamy neighborhood, you notice the eyes watching you. On the flowers, on the bricks that make up the path, on the trees, and on the house in the center of the neighborhood... There's eyes everywhere. You don't remember that being the case all those years ago...

Poppy let's out a chirping noise, before saying "Wally says that those eyes are that of somebody watching over us, making sure we are happy." Poppy kicks her legs, continuing "I think they are very pretty. They make the neighborhood more lively!" As you approach the house, you hear the sounds of a lady yelling out orders and an exasperated man replying to every sentence with disdain.

The stage comes into view, you see Sally dressed in her starry, purple overalls and blue moon shirt. Her head is made up by a ball of white light, which glows brighter while speaking. Due to having no face to make expressions, she waves her hands wildly whenever she speaks. Frank is a man with a multicolored flower for his own head. An eye is at the center, alongside a single eyebrow above it. He has always dressed in a very formal manner, with a black vest over a white dress shirt.

You wave to them, noticing how Sally glows a bit brighter than before. She speaks, her voice holding a dramatic tone of happiness "It's (Y/N), our lovely dreamer! I'm sure you remember me, the star called Sally Starlet?" You nod, giggling at her demeanor. Frank huffs, his petals perking up "Where have you been all this time?"

You shrug, looking to the side "Working. Growing up. I missed you all." Sally twirls, waving her arms excitedly "How has growing up been going? Some changes around here haven't been... the best..." Her arms slow down as she begins to slump slightly. "I hope things have been going better for you. Frankly does, too." You look between Sally, Frank, and Poppy...

You haven't been doing the greatest outside of this dream. In fact, this dream has started to feel more real than reality. Your therapist has mentioned that it could be your depression and anxiety that has been causing that feeling... How could you explain that to them?

YOU DON'T.

DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW.

You smile, laughing heartily as you say "Oh, it's been alright! Not much has been going on, really... I love my job and being independent. It's not as relaxing as visiting you all, though. I'm happy to have this time to take a break." Frankly nods, his eye crinkling to indicate a smile. "That's always great to hear. Be sure not to overwork yourself, alright? I'd be very upset if I hear that you've overdone it and hurt yourself one day." "I've been taking breaks. Don't worry." "Do you have any friends outside of our little neighborhood-?" Frank gets cut off by a noise.

You hear some footsteps behind you, causing you to turn around and see Wally walking over to you. His hair is a bright blue, a wide smile spread across his dandelion colored face. The large, blue, yellow, and red sweater is draped over his shoulders, and his red neck scarf is tied around his neck. Paint stains cover the sweater, making the smiley face embroidered on look like it's been painting, too!

The sleeves almost hit the floor as he walks over, covering his hands as he holds an ice scream cone in each hand. He holds out a cone to you, an ice scream of your favorite flavor, as he says "Welcome Home. I got you a treat!" He licks his own ice scream, which is a soft-serve apple flavor, causing it to let out an odd screaming noise. That's just what ice screams do, after all. You take the one he gave you, doing the same.

You grin, chirping "Thank you, Wally! How did you know I came to visit?" Wally tilts his head, saying "I saw you from the window of Home, walking over to Sally's." He then grins wider, continuing "You have a lot of catching up to do with the others. Not much has been going on in my life... I'm going to go back to Home. I just wanted to say hi and give you a treat." "Why don't you hang out with us?" "I'LL BE FINE ON MY OWN."

You flinch at the odd tone shift in his voice. You swear, he also seemed to change from a split second, almost like his body flickered to a different appearance. A flash of purple and black, followed by his normal self. Before you can ask about it, he's made a beeline to Home, leaving you and the rest of the group in the dust. You stand there for a second, staring at where Wally was in shock.

Poppy pats your head, before hopping off of your shoulder. "Wally has been like that for a while. It is nothing against you. He's been... he's changed the most out of all of us." Frank continues where Poppy left off "Frankly, he's been talking crazy. He's been talking about how none of this is real! I think he's lost his mind from isolating himself." Sally chuckles, adding "He'd make a great damsel in distress! Locked up in the great tower called HOME. The catch being that he's locked himself away! No witch, no dragon, and no curse! Just himself and his HOME."

You back away from the three of them. This dream is no longer comforting... it's uncomfortable. You quickly excuse yourself, saying that you want to go take a walk in the woods, on your own. Really, you just want to get away from them. What caused their sudden change in behavior? Why did they suddenly say all those things about Wally? Are they true?

Sitting on the edge of the forest, with the whispers from the woods acting as white noise. You try to figure out what to do. Really, you feel like you should've woken up by now. Usually, when you get this uncomfortable in a dream, you wake up.

Why haven't you woken up?

[tkdunning]

(2)

Today's practice:

Major & melodic minor scales. Melodic minor is starting to commit to memory - it's tricky since my ears are much more used to harmonic minor due to classical training. If I'm not starting on the root note it's easier to get lost. Melodic minor is also a bit tougher on the left hand in terms of reach.

Practiced 'Ignorance - Paramore' against the original track. It's a simple arrangement but it is faster than expected. I tend to fall behind and have unclean playing during the "gallop" riff. I also need to work on cleaner strumming - my downstrokes favor the lower strings and the upstrokes the upper strings, which results in a see-sawing effect at higher speeds instead of full chord tones. Mostly an issue during the solo section. Will also need to practice muting the other strings better.

Less reading study today. Only did one page but reading it was faster than yesterday.

One-passed Saucy - Polyphia at higher speed today. Need to practice the 'B' section more. There are some issues with the hammer-ons/pull-offs as well as the picking patterns on the faster sections. Overall much cleaner than yesterday.

Might lay off the Jazz III picks for a bit since they are not really a fun time if I need to strum or attack the strings differently. Medium picks felt good for strumming in Ignorance, but the gallop has less control. I crave control!! Returning to the Tortex 'Sharp' heavy pick felt like the best compromise as long as my picking hand stays relatively relaxed.

Remind me to never get a angled instrument cable ever again (at least for guitar). It causes mobility issues if I play standing up, and at it's worst it will cause amp noises as the cable jack rotates in the guitar. The coiled instrument cable is nice for keeping a space clean and uncluttered but the strain it puts on the cable ends when it gets pulled taut is a bit worrying. As of now, my favorite cable is my braided cable, even though it's angled. Thinking about getting a straight/straight version to become my go-to cable. Looked into some micro amps (battery powered) as a quality of life upgrade in practicing. I don't 'need' these, but I could see them being incredibly freeing in a more restrictive living situation. The Fender Mustang Micro seems like an okay budget option. The BOSS Waza-Air seems kinda goated not gonna lie, but $300+ for a quality of life upgrade is not worth it right now. Having zero cables is kinda insane. If it had a built-in metronome it would be god-tier.

Edit: Turns out you can use a metronome app and/or have background music playing while the Waza-Air is being used, so I guess it's actually god-tier? Might invest in these at a later time. Actually seems really useful. Would bypass the weird white noise/rumble that exists in my current practice environment, and would allow me to practice more freely outside of the stuffy/hot/humid basement. Speaking of metronomes, I've been having a lot of trouble hearing mine over the amp. Unsure if my ears are just getting bad or if the acoustics in this house are just weird, mushy, and bass heavy (pretty sure it's the latter). This is a bit of an issue because what I need to practice more than almost anything is perfecting my timing and also pushing faster speeds WITH strict timing. This is infinitely harder than pushing speeds without a metronome and leads to much better playing, so some sort of solution needs to be found. Might be as simple as sticking a earphone into the metronome but I would strongly prefer being able to use both ears to hear both instrument and metronome.

Have a couple packs of 10-46 NYXL strings arriving today, but might hold off a bit on putting them on, even though my Ernie Ball Slinky's are already corroded after maybe a month? I think the humidity/temp inconsistency/airflow in the basement wreaks havoc on strings (I don't have a guitar case to protect them when not playing).

[dm-001]

What acoustic design strategies can be implemented to minimize noise and distractions within the bustling environment of an IT company interior?

In the bustling world of Information Technology (IT), where collaboration and innovation are key, achieving a balance between an open and dynamic workspace while minimizing noise and distractions is crucial. Acoustic design emerges as a strategic solution to foster a harmonious environment that promotes productivity and focus. Let's explore effective acoustic design strategies that can be implemented within the vibrant interior of an IT company.

1. Open Plan Layouts with Acoustic Zones:

Embracing an open plan layout in the IT company interior encourages collaboration but can also amplify noise levels. Strategic acoustic zoning can be employed to designate specific areas for focused work or meetings. Installing acoustic panels, partitions, or even incorporating soundproof booths within these zones provides employees with a quiet haven amidst the dynamic workspace.

2. Innovative Ceiling Solutions:

The often-overlooked ceiling plays a crucial role in acoustic design. Implementing innovative ceiling solutions, such as acoustic baffles or clouds, can absorb sound and prevent it from bouncing around the space. These solutions effectively contribute to noise reduction without compromising the modern and tech-inspired aesthetic of an IT company's interior.

3. Sound-Absorbing Materials:

Integrating sound-absorbing materials into the interior design can significantly reduce ambient noise. Consider incorporating acoustic wall panels, fabric-covered partitions, or even furniture with sound-absorbing properties. These materials not only serve a functional purpose but can also be customized to align with the overall design aesthetic of the IT company's interior.

4. Carpeting and Soft Flooring:

Hard surfaces can contribute to sound reflections and reverberations, increasing noise levels. The strategic use of carpeting and soft flooring materials absorbs sound, creating a quieter and more comfortable environment. This design strategy is particularly effective in shared workspaces and collaborative areas where foot traffic and movement are frequent.

5. Greenery for Acoustic Harmony:

Plants are not just visually appealing; they can also contribute to acoustic harmony within the IT company interior. Greenery acts as a natural sound absorber, softening high-frequency noises and creating a more pleasant auditory experience. Incorporating potted plants, vertical gardens, or acoustic moss walls enhances the overall acoustic design while bringing a touch of nature into the workspace.

6. Furniture Arrangement and Design:

Strategic placement of furniture can play a key role in acoustic design. Arranging workstations and collaborative spaces in a way that minimizes sound interference and ensures adequate space between employees contributes to a more serene atmosphere. Additionally, selecting furniture with built-in acoustic features, such as sound-absorbing materials or screens, adds an extra layer of noise reduction.

7. White Noise Solutions:

Implementing controlled white noise solutions can be an effective way to mask background sounds and create a more consistent acoustic environment. White noise generators or sound masking systems can be discreetly integrated into the IT company's interior to provide a constant background hum that helps mitigate distractions.

8. Technology Integration:

Leveraging technology for acoustic design is a forward-thinking approach. Implementing smart acoustic solutions, such as soundproof meeting pods with integrated technology, allows for focused collaboration without disturbing the larger workspace. These tech-integrated acoustic solutions align seamlessly with the innovative nature of IT companies.

In conclusion, the implementation of acoustic design strategies is pivotal for achieving a balanced and productive interior environment within an IT company. From open plan layouts with acoustic zones to innovative ceiling solutions, sound-absorbing materials, carpeting, greenery, furniture arrangement, white noise solutions, and technology integration, these strategies can work in harmony to minimize noise and distractions. By incorporating these acoustic design elements, IT companies can cultivate an atmosphere that supports collaboration, enhances focus, and reflects a commitment to creating a harmonious work environment within the fast-paced world of Information Technology. One can achieve these by getting in touch with the renowned design and build firm such as Flipspaces, who can help you with the same.

[dm1-1]

What acoustic design strategies can be implemented to minimize noise and distractions within the bustling environment of an IT company interior?

In the bustling world of Information Technology (IT), where collaboration and innovation are key, achieving a balance between an open and dynamic workspace while minimizing noise and distractions is crucial. Acoustic design emerges as a strategic solution to foster a harmonious environment that promotes productivity and focus. Let's explore effective acoustic design strategies that can be implemented within the vibrant interior of an IT company.

1. Open Plan Layouts with Acoustic Zones:

Embracing an open plan layout in the IT company interior encourages collaboration but can also amplify noise levels. Strategic acoustic zoning can be employed to designate specific areas for focused work or meetings. Installing acoustic panels, partitions, or even incorporating soundproof booths within these zones provides employees with a quiet haven amidst the dynamic workspace.

2. Innovative Ceiling Solutions:

The often-overlooked ceiling plays a crucial role in acoustic design. Implementing innovative ceiling solutions, such as acoustic baffles or clouds, can absorb sound and prevent it from bouncing around the space. These solutions effectively contribute to noise reduction without compromising the modern and tech-inspired aesthetic of an IT company's interior.

3. Sound-Absorbing Materials:

Integrating sound-absorbing materials into the interior design can significantly reduce ambient noise. Consider incorporating acoustic wall panels, fabric-covered partitions, or even furniture with sound-absorbing properties. These materials not only serve a functional purpose but can also be customized to align with the overall design aesthetic of the IT company's interior.

4. Carpeting and Soft Flooring:

Hard surfaces can contribute to sound reflections and reverberations, increasing noise levels. The strategic use of carpeting and soft flooring materials absorbs sound, creating a quieter and more comfortable environment. This design strategy is particularly effective in shared workspaces and collaborative areas where foot traffic and movement are frequent.

5. Greenery for Acoustic Harmony:

Plants are not just visually appealing; they can also contribute to acoustic harmony within the IT company interior. Greenery acts as a natural sound absorber, softening high-frequency noises and creating a more pleasant auditory experience. Incorporating potted plants, vertical gardens, or acoustic moss walls enhances the overall acoustic design while bringing a touch of nature into the workspace.

6. Furniture Arrangement and Design:

Strategic placement of furniture can play a key role in acoustic design. Arranging workstations and collaborative spaces in a way that minimizes sound interference and ensures adequate space between employees contributes to a more serene atmosphere. Additionally, selecting furniture with built-in acoustic features, such as sound-absorbing materials or screens, adds an extra layer of noise reduction.

7. White Noise Solutions:

Implementing controlled white noise solutions can be an effective way to mask background sounds and create a more consistent acoustic environment. White noise generators or sound masking systems can be discreetly integrated into the IT company's interior to provide a constant background hum that helps mitigate distractions.

8. Technology Integration:

Leveraging technology for acoustic design is a forward-thinking approach. Implementing smart acoustic solutions, such as soundproof meeting pods with integrated technology, allows for focused collaboration without disturbing the larger workspace. These tech-integrated acoustic solutions align seamlessly with the innovative nature of IT companies.

In conclusion, the implementation of acoustic design strategies is pivotal for achieving a balanced and productive interior environment within an IT company. From open plan layouts with acoustic zones to innovative ceiling solutions, sound-absorbing materials, carpeting, greenery, furniture arrangement, white noise solutions, and technology integration, these strategies can work in harmony to minimize noise and distractions. By incorporating these acoustic design elements, IT companies can cultivate an atmosphere that supports collaboration, enhances focus, and reflects a commitment to creating a harmonious work environment within the fast-paced world of Information Technology. One can achieve these by getting in touch with the renowned design and build firm such as Flipspaces, who can help you with the same.

[worldrankmusic]

In today's fast-paced world, distractions are everywhere. From social media notifications to emails, it's challenging to stay focused on a task for an extended period. It's not only problematic in our personal lives but also significantly affects our productivity in the workplace. If you're a student, you know how challenging it can be to concentrate on studying for extended periods. While there are several focus-boosting methods like the Pomodoro Technique and meditation, have you considered listening to music? In particular, soothing study music can help enhance your focus and productivity. Studies have shown that music can affect the brain's functioning, leading to improved cognitive performance. Listening to music can also change your mood, lower stress levels, and reduce anxiety, making it the perfect ingredient to enhance your study sessions. 1. Soothing Music to Reduce Stress Levels Studying can be stressful, especially when you have a tight deadline. Stress can lead to anxiety, making it almost impossible to concentrate. Soothing study music can help ease the stress and provide a calming effect on the brain, thus improving focus. Studies have shown that classical music, instrumentals, and nature sounds have a calming effect on the brain. The slow rhythms and calm melodies increase alpha brain waves, leading to relaxation and increased attention. 2. Music as a Memory Aid If you're studying for an exam or trying to learn new information, soothing study music can help improve your memory. Music can connect with your emotions, helping you memorize information better. The connection with music in the brain is so strong that you may remember lyrics to a song you heard years ago. Several studies have shown that listening to music while studying can improve memory retention. Some experts even suggest that associating information with music can help recall the information faster. 3. Music to Improve Focus It's no surprise that music can improve your focus. Have you ever found yourself more productive when you have background music playing? Soothing study music has a similar effect but can improve your focus even more. Studies suggest that white noise or soft ambient music can help reduce environmental distractions, and steady beats and rhythms can help synchronize brainwaves. This synchronization can help improve your focus and attention. 4. Music to Set the Mood Soothing study music can help set the mood for studying or completing a specific task. Just like how music can make you feel relaxed, it can also help motivate you. The right music can help you feel energized, focused, and ready to tackle the task at hand. Melodic and inspiring music can evoke positive emotions, leading to improved productivity. Some experts suggest that listening to music before starting an activity can help set the mood and make you feel more motivated. In conclusion, it's clear that soothing study music has several benefits that can enhance your focus and productivity. However, it's essential to remember that not all music works for everyone. Experiment with different genres, tempos, and soundscapes until you find what works best for you. When you find the perfect music, it can help you achieve your study goals and improve your overall well-being. Enhance Your Focus with Soothing Study Music

[2ndstringloser]

Being Different and You're the Heart analysis

So like most bylers I am totally in awe of the paralellism found in the painting scene and mikes monologue scene that @causeineedu pointed out and analyzed recently. The key element that they had discovered was that by layering the two music tracks from these scenes on top of one another, it creates a full and complete sounding song. However while listening to the layered tracks for literally hours I managed to come up with my own interpretation for specifically the way that these two scores, both separately and together, manage to paint the story of Mike and his feelings for Will and El over the years.

Separately, the two tracks are present in the two most climactic moments of Mike's story in Volume 2. They are the peaks of his two most meaningful relationships, they represent Will and El respectively. Being Different is longer, more consistent, and much more calming in the sounds that are used. While You're the Heart is incredibly quiet for most of its duration, slowly building to a climax before quickly disipating as a synth track creates a sense of anxiety as it builds in the background.

Here's a picture of the sound map for both songs (being different on the top and You're the Heart on bottom) so you can sort of see what i mean when i say those two descriptions instead of just trusting me.

But when you listen to the songs layered on top of one another with the idea that each song represents their respective relationships, you can sort of envision a storyline taking place as the song progresses.

First, when you layer the songs by aligning the endings (which is the way that op of the original theory did), Being Different plays for almost a full minute before You're the Heart starts. Wills song plays for longer in the beginning because it's true to real life, Mike knew Will for many many years before El came into his life. This song is longer because this relationship has more history.

Then, when You're the Heart finally does begin to play it remains almost totally unnoticeable for another forty seconds before the musical elements of this track start to peek through the consistent white noise that finds itself behind Being Different. El comes into Mikes life and is not suddenly the most important thing to him. (despite what a certain monologue would like us to think ahem) It is shown repeated thoroughly in season one that Mike's first and only goal is getting Will back. Will is at the forefront of his mind so even though El is present, Mike's focus remains on Will and the song we hear most is Being Different.

Around 1:45 the music of El's track finally becomes noticeable, but still relatively quiet compared to the way Will's track overwhelms. In season two Mike, as he always does, has one storyline concerning El, and another Will. While it's important to him that he gets El back and he is constantly making an effort to find her, once Will is in danger he does not hesitate to spend all hours of every day making sure Will is okay. Mike is now learning just how fond he is of both of these people, two people he really wants in his life, but overall most of his time in this season is spent with Will, keeping Will safe. Will's track overpowers this section of the music, but El is still here. El matters to Mike now, and it is not unnoticed.

At 2:56 an ominous synth track starts to play a few layers deep in Youre the Heart. It's a track that comes on slowly but honestly feels out of place within the rest of the otherwise calming music. It's sort of a new division between the songs, pushing its way in to show that they shouldn't be able to coexist. Mike feels as though his relationships with these two people cannot coexist, he pushes Will away in season three because that's what he believes to be necessary in order to keep his new teenage relationship working and stable.

But obviously this is not sustainable for Mike, because the two people he tries to keep separate end up closer to each other than he is with either of them, Will and El are states away together and Mike can't very well keep them in two different worlds anymore. The dissonance created by this synth track starts to become more and more until its all very disorienting. Both El and Will's tracks are quite loud at this point. Both people mean so much to Mike, he cannot and will not choose between them because he needs them both. However, with the way he has them configured in his life right now something isnt right, there is a dissonance happening, something is out of place. To be straight forward with the metaphor: there's synth music playing where synth music doesn't belong. Mikes romantic feelings for El are the synth music.

If you were to remove that slowly building synth track from You're the Heart suddenly it blends with Being Different so much better. Suddenly Mike can have both of these people in his life without it feeling overwhelming or scary.

And finally, the two songs come to a beautiful close simultaniously becuase Mike has lived a life with Will but no El, and he has also lived a life with El but no Will, but he never wants to live without either of them ever again, because they are the most important relationships in his life no matter how they exist.

Thank you for reading.

(also hey disclaimer dont come at me saying im reaching or that this probably isnt real uhhhhhh i dont fuckin care im the one who just spent three hours listening to a four minute song over and over again so shut up and let me be bonkers)

[yourqueenb]

So last night my bf and I tried to make this dish from Slow Burn

So I thought I’d share how it came out with you guys 😅 Pics/videos, a couple of recipes, and some notes from me under the cut!

In hindsight, I probably should’ve taken more pics and videos throughout the process, but this is a really involved dish. And since it was my first time making it, I was more concerned with getting everything right. But here are the apricots plumping in a mixture of honey, water, and cinnamon and the almonds browning in olive oil on my stovetop. The apricots especially smelled delicious 😋

And here’s a video of all of the ingredients simmering together so that the flavors could really meld! (Excuse the noise in the background. My bf started playing 2k as we got closer to finishing 🤦🏽‍♀️🙄😂)

Now we didn’t have couscous or chickpeas as some of the recipes I looked at suggested because we couldn’t find them at our local grocery store. So we ended up eating this with plain white rice. And with that in mind, plus the fact that I’m not an actual chef, I didn’t know how to plate this nicely. So it kind of just looks like a pile of mush 😭 (The chicken was super tender though so imma just chalk it up to that 👌🏾) But if anyone actually wants to see it plated, here you go…

I promise it tastes way more delicious than it looks 💀 If it didn’t take like an hour and a half to 2 hours to cook, I’d make it again in a heartbeat. So overall, not a bad suggestion from the Choices cookbook. I just wish they would’ve provided actual recipes for everything instead of just general descriptions.

But if anyone’s curious, here are the links to the two recipes I used as guidelines while making this. (Fair warning: You need a lot of seasonings. We have a whole cabinet full and still had to buy a couple — namely, saffron and coriander powder).

You don’t have to follow them to a T. For example, I didn’t use exact measurements for all of the seasonings. I just eyeballed it and worked mainly off of the way everything smelled. Also, I saw a few other recipes that mentioned other ingredients like onions or peppers, so I took from those. (We chose to add sweet onion). I didn’t make the chicken on my stove top because I find it hard to get the chicken to cook evenly that way. So I air fried it. And lastly, the order in which I did everything was a bit different as well. But aside from all of that, the recipes were still really great for helping me figure out how to make this. So I hope I did it justice 🙏🏾

Let me know what y’all think or if you’ve made anything from Slow Burn 😌

[twstedbeauty]

Just found your blog, and I love it! May i ask for headcannons of Riddle, Vil, Malleus and Idia watching their designated Disney movie with their s/o?(akin Vil, Snow White, Riddle Alice in Wonderland, Malleus, sleeping beauty)

I’m going to assume that they would have the movies in this world since they canonly have The Little Mermaid adaksdjaksdjas

Riddle Rosehearts 

Riddle is still getting used to relaxing and having fun, so watching movies is still rather new to him. 

He sits rather stiffly on the couch at first, not really sure how he should sit, but he’ll slowly relax once you join him. 

 On the whole, I think Riddle would actually really enjoy Alice in Wonderland. It’s very colorful and whimsical and there’s something about it that gives him an almost nostalgic feeling. 

He’d appreciate Alice as a protagonist, but I do think he’d find her a little annoying with how she thinks and does things at times. 

“Who in their right mind just chases after a rabbit into a hole in the ground?” You hear him mutter and you can’t help but smile to yourself. 

The Cheshire Cat immediately reminds him of Che’nya. 

Riddle is immediately impressed by the Queen of Hearts entrance. She comes on screen and has this air of intimidation and power. 

He points out some parts of the movie that reflect real life Heartslabyul rules! Like the rule about painting the roses, the rule about no cats at parties.

I think the part with the court scene he would find a little silly and quite exaggerated, however. 

"So, it was all just a dream?" Riddle watched the credits roll with a rather confused look. "That wasn't satisfying at all!" You couldn't help but giggle at that.

"It's explained at the beginning! She wanted a world of her own, so she made one up herself~" Riddle just blinks owlishly at you at that, which just makes you laugh again.

He'll have to go and have some time to himself, probably having a mental crisis over what is real and what isn't.

Vil Schoenheit 

Vil loves watching movies, so when you suggest watching a movie from your world, of course he’s all for it. 

Knowing him, he’s no doubt seen the movie already, but he’s not opposed to watching it with you. 

The Beautiful Queen summoning the spirit of the Dark Mirror scene makes a proud smirk come to Vil's face. He can't help but feel a bit of pride for his dorm watching it.

But immediately after, when Snow White comes on screen, his face drops into a scowl and he rolls his eyes.

Right off the bat, he comments about how annoying Snow White is. 

“I just don’t understand why they gave her such a grating voice...” He grumbles, shaking his head. “It’s so irritating.” 

Vil would point out how Snow White's dress and makeup, along with the Beautiful Queen's, is a reflection of the fashion from the period when the movie was made. (And if you pointed it out to him first, he'd be VERY pleased and impressed with you~)

"Oh, so THAT'S why they gave the Beautiful Queen pencil thin eyebrows?" You teased and Vil shoots you an unamused look.

"Of course. She's a product of her time, a staple for beauty and fashion from that era."

The dwarves do amuse him when they come on screen. He'd never tell you, but Dopey is his favorite.

He voices his admiration during the Queen's transformation scene.

"The lengths that she was willing to go is truly admirable..." He watches as she dips the apple into the poison. "But even the greats are capable of making mistakes. She should have ensured that Snow White could never be revived from the sleeping death."

He doesn't have much to say towards the ending, but he does look a little put out by Snow White being revived and getting a happily ever after.

"Such is the fate of villains..." He sighs. "Destined to die in the shadows while the heroes get their happy endings."

"Or is this case, getting struck by lightning and falling off a cliff." You remarked, grinning at the deadpan expression he gives you in response.

His rating for the movie is 9/10. The only reason it's not 10/10 is because of Snow White and the ending.

Idia Shroud 

(I apologize in advance, Idia is one of the characters I'm still trying to get a handle on writing ;v;)

I feel like Idia and Ortho watched the Hercules movie as children and it was Ortho's favorite movie.

So watching it again with you was something nostalgic for him, even if he remarks on it being a kids movie. (You can argue that some of the anime he watches is also for kids, but that will upset him and he'll go sulk under his covers and you'll never finish the movie.)

"Uwehehehe...what a clumsy idiot." He's got that sharp smile on his face as he watches Hercules swing the column around and basically destroy his entire village.

Honestly, he's not really interested in Hercules' tale and he's not really a fan of musicals. The only parts that interest him are when Hades comes on screen.

The only commentary that he gives is to make fun of Hercules.

"It's not possible for people to get THAT muscular in such a little amount of time..." He mutters as he watches the training montage with a bored expression. "It's not scientifically possible." You shrug in response.

"He's part god, so maybe that's part of it?" Idia just snickers with a sharp smile.

"He looks like a car test dummy in a toga."

Idia admires how confident Hades is and how fast he can negotiate things. I think he secretly wishes he had that confidence too.

How does he feel about Megara? Mmmm, I don't think he's interested in her character either. She's the main hero's girlfriend and a pawn to Hades, that's it.

If Ortho is watching with you guys, he's really the only one that enjoys it besides you. Idia goes right back to what he was doing before you suggested watching the movie as soon as the credits roll.

Malleus Draconia

Of course, Malleus knew that there was a movie made about the Thorn Witch. He and Lilia showed it to Silver and Sebek when they were children. (Lilia had thought it would be good for them to learn the history behind the tale!) So when you bring up watching it with him, of course he wants to. He loves spending time with you and the fact you want to learn a bit about his culture warms his heart.

He does like the aesthetic of this movie. He finds the music and the hand-painted backgrounds to be charming.

He can't say he understands how animation works, but it's nice to look at nonetheless.

Malleus likes the three good fairies. He finds their antics and the way Flora and Merryweather butt heads to be rather amusing.

"You know, I've always wondered what the third gift would have been if the Witch of Thorns hadn't come in when she did," He muses as Maleficent makes her entrance. You hum in thought.

"Some people theorize it would have been eternal happiness." You look over at him with a slight smile. "You know....never needing to feel blue?" That makes him chuckle.

"Eternal happines....Yes, I quite like that idea for a gift."

If you remark on Maleficent being petty for cursing an infant, Malleus is going to pout.

"Well, quite frankly, I understand how she feels. It's rather hurtful not being invited to events." You look over at him and raise an eyebrow.

"Fine! Then curse the people who didn't invite you. Don't curse the infant child who had nothing to do with whether or not she was invited." Malleus just hurumphs and crosses his arms.

"In a roundabout way, the king and queen DID suffer for their actions. Having their baby cursed to die." A slight smirk breaks across his face. "I'm sure they'll think twice next time."

He doesn't say it, but he quite likes Aurora as a character and he loves the sound of her singing. He finds it very enchanting and relaxing to listen to.

Flora and Merryweather fighting over the dress color reminds him a lot of Silver and Sebek. Fauna's baking strongly reminds him of Lilia's cooking.

During the part where Aurora is being hypnotized, you suddenly gasping and clamping your hand on his arm startles Malleus. "OH MY GOD. I JUST REALIZED THAT THE CREEPY NOISE IS ACTUALLY SAYING HER NAME."

You both pause and listen again as the eerie note that played in between the music stings creepily called "Auuuroooraaa~" in a beckoning manner. Malleus blinked in surprise.

"Oh my. That would explain her expression as she walks up the stairs." He mused, putting a finger to his chin. "How clever. I've watched this film plenty of times and I never noticed that."

The part where Maleficent casts the thorns around Stephen's castle and turns into a dragon are Malleus' favorite parts.

"None of the other members of the Great Seven can do what she can do." He says with a prideful smirk. "She is truly supreme in her ranking."

Watching Maleficent back Prince Phillip onto a cliff and trap him with no protection is VERY satisfying for Malleus. But once the fairies bless the Sword of Truth, he pouts again.

"If it weren't for them, he wouldn't have been able to defeat her." He says. "It wasn't a fair fight." You raise an eyebrow at him at that.

"She turned into a huge, fire-breathing dragon. You call THAT fair?" His little pout in response just makes you laugh.

Overall, Malleus enjoys watching the movie with you and he'll gladly watch it with you again whenever you want to.

[yes-i-am-happyaspie]

For the ao3 wrapped thingy: 3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? 20. Which work of yours have you reread the most? 27. What do you listen to while writing? 28.Favorite work you wrote this year? 29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

3. I am super proud of both Scars and So Many Things to Say but for completely different reasons.

Scars required me to dissect my favorite characters and dig really deep into my own headcanon, as I tried to decide how Tony would feel about the scars left behind from his arc reactor, how he felt when he received it and what sort of thought went into having it removed.

So Many things to say was a lot of research and deciding the best way to combine fiction with reality to create a nicely paced fic bit also somewhat realistically portrayed foster care fic.

20. I have reread my fic, Distracted by a Dime Many many times. I also read through my  Tony Stark is a Good Mentor series a lot.

27. I can't seem to concentrate when there is music playing, so usually all I have in the background is white noise of one variety or another. I really like writing at the library where it's relatively quiet.

28. I didn't write as many fics as I usually do this year! So that makes it hard a favorite. Overall So Many Things to Say. But Undercover Chaperone was so fun to write too!

29. I have a lot of favorite passages but for some reason, I really like this filler paragraph about Tony's thoughts on pie in So Many Things to Say.

The pie, Tony decided, wasn't nearly as remarkable as the label would have wanted you to believe. The crust was too soft, and the filling was overly sweet. When he looked around the table, it appeared that he was only offended by the mediocre pastry. He opened his mouth to make a sarcastic comment but held it back when he looked at the kid and realized he’d managed to wolf down both desserts in record time.

On a more serious note, I liked the way this opening action shot turned out in Dreaming of the Sun

Peter swung through the mangled door that led to the outside, Tony and a small pack of inordinately formidable Hydra agents right behind him. He paused just outside of the opening and crouched low, waiting with anticipation for his next order. When none came he swooped back inside to find Tony surrounded. Iron Man was expectantly holding his own, combining hand-to-hand combat with the use of his repulsors. However, that wasn’t enough to prevent Peter from swooping in to assist. He shot a web towards the ceiling and snapped forward, using the momentum to take out three of the large agents himself.

[simpsiren]

lee taeyong x reader

description. I liked Lee Taeyong. A lot. And with every book I gave him, whatever purposes, I hid a love letter in between its pages. After all this time, I still wonder if Taeyong has yet to read even one of them.

Tsundoku— buying books and not reading them; letting books pile up unread on shelves, floors, or nightstands.

genre. fluff, angst, love letters!au, friends to lovers!au, one-sided love! au, bartender!taeyong, university student!reader

word count. 12.4k~

warnings. none!

a/n. was randomly scrolling through printerest when i found this word and suddenly this idea popped up in my headd. i had to change the meaning of the word so tha itll fit the story line better but the overall meaning is the same sooo. anyways that’s all i got for you now please enjoyy!

Books. An interest both Taeyong and I shared since college. Though our interest laid in the same object, our uses for it were far from the same. For me, it’s for reading. Like how it should be used, its main purpose. Like any other bookworm, constantly having my head shoved in romance or fantasy novels. Taeyong on the other hand, he... he uses it as decoration. Something that to him, should be kept on shelves, unread for display purposes.

I got to find out quite quickly that it was a habit for him to collect books that had nice spines just so he could place them on his shelves. I’ve been to his home once. One entire wall was just shelves filled with books. It was aesthetically pleasing indeed, but it disappointed me that he didn’t even bother to read a single one. So we made an agreement that I’d read his books. If he were to buy a new one, he’d let me read it first before tucking it away to never be pulled out again. I guess that’s why my friendship with him worked so well.

Taeyong decided to work as a bartender after college while I, went to pursue my studies with university. Should say that I regretted that on-impulse decision of mine nowadays.

It’s Friday. I just got out of university, at one in the morning. What an ungodly hour, considering that my classes started at nine this morning. I agreed to meet Taeyong at his bar. Luckily for me, the distance between school and the bar wasn’t far. Taeyong took me as a factor into consideration while trying out jobs around the school’s area, just so he’d get to meet me more often. That, was one of the million reasons why I fell for him.

I dragged my feet across the side walk, the screeching of my boots scraping against the rough surface. As much as I tried to hold up my posture during my long trip there (it felt like I’ve been walking forever when really, it has only been ten minutes), my back slowly slouched with each step till I was fully slouching. The extremely poor and back paining kind. Can’t blame me. University is mentally draining, but physically as well, having to walk to different classes constantly that’s being situated on opposite ends of the facility. It’s a workout.

I looked up to take a breather, seeing the glowing sign above the bar. I gazed down, to the glass windows, noticing how there was a lot of people in there. Well, it’s a Friday night afterall. I placed my free hand onto the door’s handle, pushing it open and entering.

Classical music played in the background. People’s murmurs could be heard as they had their own conversations. The place was dimly lit with an orange hue; a calming atmosphere. I went right up to the bar, getting on an empty cushioned stool and adjusting my butt onto it. I looked around the area. Taeyong wasn’t to be seen. I only assumed that he was making drinks.

I took out my book from my tote bag, flipping to the page where I folded it’s edge to continue where I left off. I was already two third done with it. And I was determined to finish it by Monday just so that I could get a new book to read.

My head was faced down, eyes scanning each sentence as I blocked out the entire world, putting myself in my own little bubble as I imagined myself in the story’s plot, too immersed to give a single care for my surroundings.

Suddenly, a hand appeared beside me, tapping its knuckles against the wood to get my attention. I lifted my eyes up, seeing Taeyong standing in front of me. White button up shirt, three buttons unhooked, revealing the slightest bit of his collarbones in a way to tease you and having the urge to see them fully. Black dress pants with a belt that cinched on his waist, framing his lower body beautifully.

“Literally called you from two steps away and you didn’t hear any of it.” Taeyong leaned against the counter, elbows supporting him as his face got close to mine. “I was busy.” I said, lifting up my book slightly. “You done with that? I need to put a new book on the shelve soon. It bugs me that there’s an empty spot.” Taeyong shivered as he mentioned that, making me chuckle softly.

“By Monday, I promise.”

“Need anything to drink? You look worn out.” Taeyong eyed me up and down. I probably looked terrible since Taeyong scrunched up his nose and shook his head. “You know I don’t drink. I mean I can, but it’s still the school term. I can’t afford getting off track by anything.”

Taeyong breathed a short laugh in response. “Ah of course. Didn’t you say you wanted to dropout just yesterday?” Taeyong looked up for a moment before bringing his eyes back down on me with a teasing gaze. My mind went back to yesterday when I texted Taeyong a long ranting paragraph about how stressed I was this week. I frowned. “Should I?”

Taeyong bobbed his shoulder. “It’s up to you. But I sincerely think you should. I mean look at you.” He added a light scoff at the end, his hand going up and down in front of me. “I’m just worried.” He proceeded to shift his weight form one leg to the other, sliding his fingers into the pocket of his pants. I felt his sense of sincerity, invariably imbued. Another reason why I fell for him. He’s always caring, too caring for his own good, especially towards me.

“Will think about it.” I mumbled, taking note of my book’s page number since I was too lazy to fold it before closing and shoving it back into my tote bag. “Anyways, when are you getting off work?”

Taeyong turned around to grab something. I realised it was his wallet and phone as he shoved the wallet into his back pocket and kept his phone in his hand. “Right now.” He flashed his smile. The signature smile. One he has on ninety percent of the time, at least around me. It was unique. A smile that only suited him and not anyone else. He owned it . Like he should. Yet another reason why I fell for him.

I got off the stool as he went around the counter that had the space in between for staffs to pass through. “Want me to drive?” He asked as we made our way to the door. I shook my head. “You had a long day. Just go home.” I kindly rejected. I bowed my head as he opened the door for me. A gentleman; adding onto the long list.

“You had an even longer one. I don’t care. It’s late too. I can’t let you walk home alone.” I laughed weakly, waiting for him outside as he closed the door. As we make our way to Taeyong’s car, he whispered, “Sleep straight when you get home, okay?” He opened the car door for me. I nodded, “Yes father.” I dragged on.

The car ride home was silent. Completely silent. There wasn’t even music playing in the background. I had my eyes fixed on the view out of the window, too scared to look at Taeyong as I can’t bare to look at him long enough before I melt on sight.

My apartment came to view after the many trees and street lights we drove past. The car pulled to a halt and I turned to Taeyong, who was suddenly up close to me, one hand looming over my chest as he reached for the seatbelt. I possibly stopped breathing. His eyes looked into mine, expressionless. I couldn’t even blink I was that shocked. “Sorry. I thought you were sleeping.”

Taeyong pulled back to his seat. I exhaled sharply. I looked to the seatbelt. He didn’t unbuckle it. I huffed quietly and did it myself, sliding my tote bag onto my shoulder. “Remember. Sleep right away.” He advised a second time as I make my way out of the car, slamming the car door shut.

Before I turned around, he rolled down the window, leaning forward slightly. “And my book!” He shouted. I placed two fingers up my head and pointed it back at it as a way to say, “Yes sir.” Before swirling around and walking away, his car’s engine starting up and driving away. The noise was quick to get muffled and go away as he drove further out of the neighborhood.

The hours of studying I had to do at home went by quick. Before I even knew it, I didn’t sleep that night at all. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to Taeyong. I had assignments to complete by Monday for God’s sake. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the number of times I’ve pulled all-nighters are now inhumane.

I checked the time on my clock. 5:05AM. I sighed, looking across my study table that’s pilled with worksheets and my opened laptop. I nodded my head as I made the mental decision of finally cleaning up as I rechecked to see if I’ve left any work undone before beginning to stack the papers and shoving them into my tote bag. The only thing left on the table was a stack of decorative papers, with beautiful outlines of red roses around the edges.

I slid one paper off the stack, placing it in front of me. I grabbed a random pen from my organiser, clicking it as I swirled it around, trying to figure out what to write.

Hey taeyong. This is my 127th love letter, confession letter, whatever you would call it. I’m not sure if you’ve read any of them. My last note was in ‘It Ends with Us’. I find that you aren’t giving any reaction or anything. I know you don’t read the books but do you even bother flipping through its pages for the letter to fall out? I’m still hoping you’d at least open this one. Please. I’ve been waiting for ages. For you. I like you, Lee Taeyong, for the 127th time.

I placed my pen back to where it belonged before holding the note in my hand, lifting it up to my face. I bit my bottom lip before opening my book, randomly opening a page and placing the note in, making sure it’s secured before putting that into my tote bag as well. Too lazy to even get into my bed, I fell asleep uncomfortably at the table.

It was now Sunday. I almost forgot the fact that I’m meeting Taeyong today to pass him the book, which to be honest, I didn’t finish. The book was boring. It was like those books that you force yourself through so you wouldn’t feel the regret of buying it. Though I used Taeyong’s money, I still felt bad for leaving it unread. I wasn’t like Taeyong at least.

While thumbing through my closet to find something to wear after showering, my eyes stopped at the sweater that Taeyong borrowed me not too long ago because I was dumb enough to meet him at two in the morning without a jacket. I was frozen stiff due to the cold.

Absentmindedly, I took it off its hanger and brought it close to my chest, dipping my head down as I deeply inhaled, Taeyong’s scent was still on there. I put it on and continued getting ready.

Just when I was done placing my valuables in my sling bag, the doorbell rang. Thinking it was the mailman, I rushed to the door with immense speed. I opened the door forcefully. But instead of the mailman, I was met with Taeyong standing in front of me. We locked eyes for a split second, which made my heart leap. I then eyed him up and down. He was wearing his usual all black outfit. Shirt, jeans, and boots. I liked how the plain and simple outfit was able to cup his body well, accentuate all his body features. It always made me swoon for him.

“What are you doing here?” I noticed how Taeyong kept eyeing his sweater that’s on me despite his attempts at trying to remain eye contact with me. “I thought of just letting you give me the book now and spend the day here. Can I?” No wonder he wore a regular outfit.

“So I dressed up for nothing?” I feigned my exasperation, folding my arms as I cocked an eyebrow, huffing ever so softly. Taeyong followed my poster one on one. “And wearing my sweater is called dressing up? How lovely.” It was now his turn to fire back, which made me frown. “Whatever.” I gave in, turning around to head back to my room.

I heard the door closing as Taeyong’s footsteps were quick to follow closely behind, maybe due to the large steps he took with his long legs. As I entered my room, Taeyong lets out a hum of satisfaction. “Your shelve’s looking good. More full than last time.” He complimented. I took a seat at the study table as he made his way to seat at the edge of my bed. “Mhm.” I softly answered.

With the remembrance of what he came here for, I grabbed my tote bag and fished out for the book. I then toss it onto the bed beside Taeyong, not speaking a word as I jerked my head to it. “Thanks. You read fast.” Taeyong held the book in his hand. Open it, open it. Oh God why can’t he just find the damn note I placed there?

“No I don’t. It’s just that the book was extremely boring for my liking.” I stated, matter-of-factly. Taeyong examined the book, quickly turning it over to read the synopsis. “Ew.” He mumbled.

“It was only good at first. The ending sucked.” I added on to my complains. “By the way...” Taeyong trailed on. I wonder what he wanted to ask. Was it something about the book? About the notes?

“I’ve been thinking I should read one of the books.” I folded my arms with arrogance, slouching into the chair as I tilted my head, the side of my lip lifted up slightly. “So after more than four years I was able to reel you in to read your first book?” I questioned, sounding smug.

Taeyong let out an annoyed ‘tsk’. “I find ‘If I never met you’ interesting, okay? Let me be.” Taeyong pouted and folded his arms, turning his head away from my direction. I stood up, walking to the bed and plopping myself down which made the two of us bounce up and down of a moment. “It’s cute how you’re a newbie to reading.” I made up an excuse when really what I found cute was how Taeyong acted. It made me blush a bright pink. It was probably extremely noticeable when Taeyong suddenly mentioned, “Did I make you so proud that you’re now blushing?” Taeyong teased, a giggle following after.

“Oh shut up.”

Lee Taeyong. This is the 128th letter. I still remember the first one I wrote. Feeling so hopeful and acting like a little girl that’s too shy to confess up front. I’m still like that. Yet to physically hint at you about my feelings. I can only express them like this, through notes that could all end up being meaningless if you’ve never looked at them. I’ll come by your house today. I’ll probably slide it in between books instead of pages. I long for your love, the kind that’s much more than that of a friend. I’ve been holding on for so long. Perhaps too long. But it’s okay, you’re Lee Taeyong. I won’t let the feelings I’ve bottled up for years go to waste. I’ll do something... soon. Yes, soon.

Later that day, I made my way to Taeyong’s house. I asked him to stay at home so that I could surprise him by coming over. But the reaction that I expected from him was way too predictable.

“You could’ve just told me to pick you up!” Taeyong whined. There he goes again being way too caring. Stop it. It’s hurting me.

“It’s not that troubling to travel, Yong. Calm the heck down! It’s really nothing.” I shouted back, reassurance being imbued into each word. He made way for me to enter. And as I did, I walked slowly, long strides to the living room where the large bookshelf was placed. The one that covered the entire wall. Well, almost, since he made space for the television. Other than that, it was just books surrounding it.

“Wait.” I turned around sharply. I realised that my sudden action made Taeyong stop in his tracks instantly. But he was close to me. Way too close for my own good. We stayed there for a moment, exchanging blank stares while I took the time to remember this moment; my heart stopping, his tall figure looming over me, his eyes looking into mine as if he’s trapping me in his gaze. Moments like these happen often. And I’d often take the time to remember them, shoving them into a mental folder called ‘Head over heels for TY’.

“Sit down. I’ll... get the cheesecake.” Taeyong was the first to back out, taking a step away from me and chuckling awkwardly. He quickly turned away after avoiding my eyes and rubbing the back of his neck. He looked nervous. But why? If I have seen it correctly, it looked like his cheeks were ever so slightly red as well. What even...

I shook my head vigorously, throwing those thoughts out of my mind. I sat down on the brown leather couch, leaning back and allowing my body to sink into it. Somehow, the thoughts crept back in. I thought about how what I observed just now could not have been real. It’s Lee Taeyong. Hundreds of girls are always hitting on him at the bar during his shift. He might even be seeing someone. Wait why am I even saying that to myself? I’d end up feeling jealous with no real reason. Great, you’re a dumb one indeed.

I felt Taeyong’s weight beside me. I looked up from the table, realising now that I was in a trance of my own thoughts, and to the cheesecake that he placed down. He leaned forward to cut a slice, placing it on a small plate as he placed the fork down beside it and handed it to me. “Here. Bought it especially for your brain recovery, and cravings. You’re period came, right?”

My eyes widened. My brows furrowed and got closer to each other as I backed my head away in surprise. “How’d you even know?” I asked shockingly. Taeyong lets out a chuckle, bringing his plate up and taking a bite. “I know you long enough to know that your period’s consistent and is usual around this time. But I was just taking my chances. I know you’d still eat the cheesecake either way.” Taeyong flashed a cheeky smile.

I knew he was extremely considerate towards me. He’d always advise me to take breaks, giving me a shoulder to lean on when I need rest, coming over to comfort me till sunrise whenever I texted him a ‘feel depressed lmao.’ He’s always on standby, ready to assist me when I need him, for whatever reason. Even if he wasn’t there, he was somehow able to choreograph his silent dance of support. But I never knew he was this meticulous to take note of my habits, my favourite food and even my period. He knew everything about me at the back of his hand. He really does make me feel some type of way. Perhaps a feeling far beyond love. An unknown feeling that only I could experience since it’s Taeyong. It’s always him. Always have been, and always will be.

I grabbed a big bite, scooping it in my mouth and moaning out dreamily, letting myself sink into the cheesecake and its flavours like a bath. “Fuck this is good. Where’d you get it?” I questioned with immense curiosity. I was genuinely curious. Because I’d love to get more.

Taeyong raised both his brows, his lips forming a thin line as he gave a slightly awkward or nervous cheeky smile. I couldn’t quite tell. “I made it.” He whispered. “No way!” I instantly take another bite, this time with Taeyong in mind. I mean, he already was from the moment he gave me the plate, but with now knowing that he was the one that made it? It suddenly tasted a thousand times better.

“Fucking bake more! Why haven’t I known that you can bake?!” I screamed with excitement. I finished the first slice, now on my way to tackle a second. Taeyong laughed hilariously at my reaction. “Is it that good? It’s my first time trying the recipe.”

“I know you cook like you’ve cooked for me many times but what the heck you should to do this more often. I’d eat it whole.” I squealed as I savoured the cheesecake’s flavours.

“If it’s for you then I’d gladly do it.”

Once again I felt the kindness and love through his voice and tone that’s ever so sweet and gentle. I’d imagine that this was how angels sounded like. Taeyong has always been able to put me at instant peace with just his words alone. Be it through the phone or in person. I always felt calm and protected.

It amazed me just what love could do to you. Everything they do now seemed perfect and beautiful, you blind yourself with their beauty and everything that’s good in them. In Taeyong’s case, I’ve never seen the bad side of him, shockingly enough. I’ve been friends with him for more than five years yet there wasn’t any argument between us that made a major impact on our relationship, if you don’t count those when I wouldn’t talk to him for only one day but we’d be able to act normal after.

We ended up spending the evening watching Netflix. We’ve been through two movies now. The cheesecake was now fully finished as well, down to its crumbs. “Want me to cook dinner?”

“I’m fine with anything.” I blinked my eyes once and a soft smile appeared on my lips. Taeyong hummed softly and nodded his head as he made his way to the kitchen, the sound of his slippers can be heard as he shuffled away.

I laid down on the couch, using my phone. A thought suddenly popped in my mind. I instantly peeked my head above the back rest, seeing Taeyong’s back in view as his body swayed slowly by the stove. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. He ran a hand through his hair. How can a man look this... amazing. I can’t think of any other ways to describe Taeyong at that moment. Boyfriend material? Stunning? Breathtaking? All of the above.

As much as I wanted to stare at his figure, I had another agenda I had to accomplish before getting back to it. I rose from the couch, slowly and quietly, taking the note out of my sling bag. I walked up to the overwhelmingly large bookshelf. I scanned it carefully, trying to figure out where to place it.

“What are you doing?” I turned instantly at Taeyong’s voice. He was a few steps away from me, two plates of pasta in his hands. He turned around to place them on the table.

I took this chance to quickly slide the note into the shelve. One edge of the note was sticking out. Shit. It wasn’t obvious but it’s still there. I didn’t have any time to adjust it when Taeyong faced his body back to me.

“Just looking. The fact that I’ve read all these books... I’m such a bookworm for reading this much.”

“That’s what I like about you.” I was eyeing the pasta when Taeyong blurted that out. It was quick and soft, I couldn’t make out the words. I could only infer. “What?” I asked purposely, just to see if he’ll answer.

“It’s nothing.” Taeyong shoved a spoonful of pasta into his mouth, adverting his gaze on anything else but me.

I thought about how weird he was acting. It’s the first time I’m noticing that Taeyong’s been acting... wary, cautious of his every move around me. Just as I thought about how he’s clueless and delusional about my feelings for him, it could have been the same for me.

Luckily (Thank the Gods kind of lucky), classes ended early today. And Taeyong told me to meet him at his dance studio. For what reason? I wasn’t actually sure. I headed there, passing by the many other practice rooms till I saw the number that Taeyong told me. I opened the door, seeing Taeyong and two other guys I’m unfamiliar with. All of them turned their heads to me in unison, Taeyong blinding me with a bright smile while the others looked to each other with confusion.

“You came!” Taeyong squealed, running up to me and hugging my tightly. He was extremely sweating. I would try to push him away, but he probably wouldn’t let go and let me suffocate. Thankfully, he didn’t and pulled away, grabbing my wrist and dragging me to the other two guys.

“Ten, Mark. This is my friend, _____. I wanted her to come so that we’ll have an audience to show our piece.” Taeyong explained to them freely as he pointed to Ten and Mark respectively, an arm swung around my shoulders. I bowed my head amicably with a smile while they did the same. “You never told me you have a girlfriend, Taeyong.” Ten teased, lightly punching Taeyong’s chest. I couldn’t help but blush a light pink. I swallowed and looked up to him, who had a nervous and shy face on, which I didn’t expect at all.

“We’re best friends, please.” Taeyong denied, no hesitation whatsoever. In my head I wanted to frown but I had to keep a smile on.

“Hey, Ten. Wanna get Starbucks?” Mark suddenly asked, looking at him with a wicked grin as if he’s hinting to Ten about something. Ten was quick to respond, nodding his head with affirmation. “Yeah. I’m thirsty. You should just stay here with her. Need js to get anything?” Ten trailed on while the two of them began to take their wallets out of their bags that were at the back of the practice room.

“You guys are really going all the way to Starbucks that’s a fifteen minute walk from here?” Taeyong asked, extremely shocked. I did walk past Starbucks on my way here, and it is indeed extremely far. What the heck were they trying to do by leaving so abruptly?

“Eh it’s fine. Well we’ll leave you to it! Peace!” And just like that, Ten and Mark have left and it was now just me and Taeyong. The two of us turned to each other and chuckled at the same time. “Come on show me your dance!”

“It’s a duet that I’m doing with Ten. Can’t dance if he’s not here.” I looked up for a moment, thinking. “Dancer by day. Bartender by night. That’s Lee Taeyong.” I spread my hands out with jiggling my fingers as if showing a rainbow and mimicking stars. Taeyong laughed and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Broke university student by day, author by night. That’s _____.”

I looked at him weirdly, eyes narrowing at him as I furrowed my brows. “How am I an author?”

“Eh I just assume you’re one since you’re such a bookworm.” Taeyong fakely rolled his eyes but flashed a cheeky smile after. I smiled back and got closed to him, both hand resting on my hips as I rested my weight on one leg. “So what are we gonna do mister dancer?” I asked with the tone of a child, making me laugh after from how ridiculous I sounded.

Taeyong proceeded to take my tote bag off my shoulder, putting it off to the side with the other bags while he grabbed his phone and went to Spotify. “Let’s dance.” He suggested with confidence. He played a song. It’s one of my favourites. A song that didn’t make me think twice to bob my head to, which I instantly did. “I haven’t danced in years and you know that.”

Specifically, it was six years ago. I used to dance in highschool as extra curricular thing. But in college I started to dance less frequently, and my dance friends and I slowly grew distant. But I was okay with it. I mean, it’s life. The world still had to spin no matter the situation.

“Come on I know you have it in you. Just vibe.” Taeyong swayed his shoulders up and down slowly, grooving to the beat as his whole body began to work its magic, his dancing was at the level of professional ones. I never know why he didn’t want to pursue dance as a career and became a bartender instead.

I slowly moved my body in a weird way. Not dancing for years, your body is bound to be uncomfortable and you’d be looking weird as you move. Which was definitely me. Taeyong laughed at me, making me frown and stopped dancing. He huffed with a smile and held both my hands. Instantly, my legs and body moved in sync with his. It felt amazing dancing with Taeyong. It was fun and carefree. I could dance as stupidly as I want and even though Taeyong could pull off the best dance moves, he’d still choose to dance stupidly along with me. He was able to serve himself as a guidance as I found my groove and vibe that I didn’t have in me for a long time.

When the music stopped, Taeyong’s hands where on my waist, while I had mine on his arms. We turned to the mirror and giggled, throwing out heads back happily.

“You still got it.”

“Make sure to find the ones with pretty spines.”

Taeyong and I decided to head to bookstores today for our monthly book shopping. And while I was carefully reading the synopsis of books that had an interesting title, Taeyong was busy examining their cover pages and the aesthetics, mostly the spine.

“Have you started on the book you told me about?” I asked, flipping the book I just took out to its first chapter to get a feel of the writer’s writing style. “I have, actually.” My head shot to him instantly. He’s read the book. But I remembered putting the note in the back pages of the book. Has he reached there yet? “But I’m a slow reader. And busy. I’m only at the third chapter.”

As much as I was surprised about the fact that he’s speed in reading was extremely slower than what I would consider normal, I couldn’t blame him. He’s body with work most of the time and he has a life to live. Not to mention how it’s the first book he’s actually reading. This is a good example that the gap in terms of our reading abilities are definitely big.

“Liking it so far?” I asked. “Yeah.” Taeyong simply replied as he took a book off the display. “I’m getting this. And these as well.” He giggled like a happy child who’s buying a bunch of toys as birthday present from his parents. He lifted the books up slightly, fiddling around and trying to stack them properly while I closed the book that was in my hands. “I’m just buying this.”

��Seriously? Oh wait nevermind you’re a broke university student.” Taeyong taunted, rolling his eyes. My mouth opened slightly, faking my exasperated as I huffed loudly. “Okay mister bartender. You didn’t have to rub-”

“Oh my God. Taeyong?!”

In unison, the two of us turned around to the noise. A girl was running up to us. The moment she came, she didn’t hesitate to hug Taeyong around his torso. Taeyong chuckled, almost awkwardly and hugged her back.

I took a quick look at them. Their hug made a few things clear to me. One, she’s probably known him for a long time. But if she has, why didn’t Taeyong told me about her before? He shares all his secrets, I pretty much know him from A to Z. So why hasn’t he mention her before? Second, Taeyong was quick to reciprocate the hug, from his awkward form to a loving one. They looked like a couple that hasn’t seen each other in ages; a meaningful reunion.

I wasn’t exactly happy with where this was going. I didn’t like how in an instant, she could simply let herself be in such close proximity with him. I’ve never hugged Taeyong for that long at all. It made me feel a couple of things. Jealousy? Judgmental? Sudden hatred towards her? But why should I? It felt so invalid of me to feel these things.

“It’s been years, Taeyong.” She chuckled happily as they pulled apart. Finally. “Who’s she?” Her finger lifted up to me.

“A friend.” Taeyong answered. Of course, Why did I think I’d be any more than that? Just a friend. We’re just friends. Just.

While they were having a chat about who knows what, I wasn’t exactly paying attention since I simply assumed that it was to catch up with each other. I wondered off to another section of the store. After browsing through a few books, it was then I realised that they weren’t no longer in the store anymore when I got back. They left, Taeyong left. Without telling me. It was my fault for leaving the scene discreetly since I felt like my presence wasn’t needed in their bubble at the time, but why did Taeyong not come find me? Was I... simply forgotten?

I went straight home that day after cashing out the books. I didn’t know where Taeyong went after leaving that that girl, but I didn’t want to act like some busybody who asks something that isn’t her business. I got texts from Taeyong asking if I left yet. Was he planning on returning there after leaving for two hours? He actually expected me to wait. Unbelievable.

After that day, my meetups with him became less frequent. He occasionally replied to my texts. More like one sentence after four or so hours. He still updates his socials. And it was all about her. Photos, videos. They were hanging out together more often. For some reason, it felt like she was a replacement; my replacement. I somewhat distanced myself away from Taeyong thinking, “I assume you don’t need me anymore so I’ll stay out of your way.”

But one day, out of pure curiosity, I decided to follow them to a cafe. Taeyong did text me that he’d be heading there, but I left him on seen. Like I said, I’m slowly removing myself out of his picture.

I sat at the corner of the cafe, black jacket, black cap and large black sunglasses. I looked like a stalker in the eyes of strangers. I mean, I was.

I covered myself further by holding up a book to my face. As I continuously stared at them, I grew bored. Don’t get me wrong, I was feeling negative. I didn’t like how she’s teasingly touching Taeyong’s arm, how they laughed happily together and chatting as if they’re in their own little world. But I started to wonder why I even came here. I did want to see what they’re like. But I’m making myself feel more bad this way.

I decided to write a note. I was done with the book I’m currently holding. All I needed to do was give it to Taeyong. With the note. I took out a random piece of paper from my tote bag, fishing out for a pen as well and began to write.

It’s my 145th letter. Fuck how long am I going to do this? Might sound weird, but I’m currently looking at you. Watching you with her. Why does it feel like you’re happier with her? You’re smiling, laughing more. You’re more brighter. I mean you have always been bright. But you just... radiate differently; a new type of glow I never knew you had. I saw your socials, constantly posting about her. I’m jealous, very. I want to be like that with you. But it just feels wrong, perhaps not right. Like I shouldn’t be craving for you. For your touch, your whispers, giggles. Why do I feel like this? The more you spend time with her, the more I realise that my chances of getting you is slowly slipping away from my grasp. But why can’t I move? Why don’t I want to move? I’m not sure what’s stopping me. And that’s what I’m fearing the most.

I felt my cheeks getting wet. It took me awhile to realise that I was balling my eyes out, slowly and painfully. I took off my sunglasses for a moment to wipe off excess tears before putting them back on. I can’t belive I’m crying. I looked down to the note. A tear fell onto it, a spot crinkled as it left a visible mark of my feelings. Just as I was sniffing, constantly having to wipe my cheeks dry since my tears were getting uncontrollable, I looked out the window. And what stood on the opposite side shocked me.

I knocked on the glass, his head turning quickly. He looked around inside the cafe, not sure of where the signal came from. I knocked once again. He looked down on me and I took off my sunglasses, pulling down my hood.

“Nakamoto Yuta?” I mouthed to him, my lips moving widely so he could read them. His eyes blinked rapidly and he leaned in before widening them after realising who I was. We take a few of the same classes. I see him often in school. But we never really talked. He immediately rushed into the cafe, covering his face as if hiding his identity and running up to my table to take a seat.

“Why were you looking in like some stalker?” I asked, pulling my hood back over my head as I lowered myself, my eyes still fixated on Taeyong.

“You look more like one than I do.” Yuta commented. I notice how he was constantly turning around, specifically to Taeyong’s direction. “You haven’t answered my question.”

“I’m looking at them.” He pointed his finger out ever so slightly. And as I predicted, he was referring to Taeyong and the girl. “You know Taeyong?” I immediately asked, extremely curious as to why he was spying on them just like I was. “No, but I know Jiung.” So that’s her name. Pretty name for a pretty girl. Of course.

“And why are you doing that exactly?” Yuta let out a huff, leaning in with his elbows on the table, his shoulder rising up to his ears. “Because I want to see what they’re on about. I keep seeing her with that Taeyong guy. I like Jiung so I’m jealous.” I puckered my lips and nodded. My face showed as if I shrugged it off. But my mind began turning its gears. So he likes Jiung and he’s jealous of them together? He has the same reason of me coming here as well. What forces swirled around the world for us to come together like this? It’s weird how coincidentally the situation was.

“I actually came for the same reason as you. I like Taeyong, and I’m jealous of Jiung.” I frowned slightly, a sigh leaving my lips. I opened up to him quick about my situation since I felt a sense of similarity with him. He probably wouldn’t remember anyways. It’s not like we’ll be crossing paths in the future.

“Were you crying? Your eyes are hella puffy.” He asked suddenly. I breathed out a laugh awkwardly. I gulped and cleared my throat, thinking that I should shove all my feeling down so I wouldn’t look even more ridiculous in front of Yuta. “Yeah.” I quickly slid the note in between a random page.

“Funny how we met here. For the same reasons. It’s like fate.” I couldn’t agree more. “An idea just came to my mind.” Oh no.

Yuta has always been the class clown, saying out his ideas that were completely mind blowing and far fetched. His way of thinking is... unique, in a funny way. I got somewhat nervous after he said that sentence, you can never guess what he’s thinking about or get a clear grasp of the way he thinks.

“How about we try splitting them up?” I didn’t reply, his words slowly resonating in my mind. He can’t be serious, right? But why am I slowly being persuade by an unknown force?

I have yet to say a word, my eyes still on them as I was deep in thought, wondering about all the possible outcomes of me agreeing and disagreeing, weighing them carefully so that I could make the more beneficial decision.

“Come on. You’ll get to be with Taeyong more. And I’ll have Jiung. Win-win situation, right?”

I sighed, inhaling as my chest puffs up.

“Alright.”

Yuta: How’s it going?

Me: amazingg :D

“Who are you texting?” Taeyong asked, I placed my phone down to the side, screen faced down. “No one.”

This is the sixteenth outing with Taeyong after that day. I was able to spend time with Taeyong a lot more, just like before. And probably just like it should. I’ve seen Yuta posting more often on his Instagram stories, mostly of him and Jiung. Our plan of keeping them apart is working. Though Yuta told me that it was Jiung who’s constantly asking to meet up with Taeyong, he was able to force her to hang out with him instead, giving her no chance whatsoever. It was extremely helpful.

I know this whole situation sounds as if I’m being evil or whatever you call it. But why wouldn’t I accept a chance to be closer to Taeyong?

“Should we head to the carnival after this? Or desserts first? Oh I want to head to that new ice cream shop! Ten said it’s delicious but extremely crowded. I don’t mind waiting since I’ll have you to annoy.” Taeyong rambled on. I laughed happily, taking in this moment. I want to treasure such simple moments like these. I want it to be in a snow globe; something remembered forever.

“Do anything you please, Yong.” I chuckled, flashing an eye smile.

Just then, the bell above the restaurant’s door opened, signalling a new costumer coming in. Taeyong widened his eyes at the door. I tilted my head at his weird action, turning around to see just what made him react that way.

“Jiung?” “Yuta?” The two of us whispered at the same time.

Jiung’s eyes immediately went to Taeyong, her face lighting up at the sight of him as she tried to make her way over. But Yuta stopped her by the shoulders. I now understood what Yuta meant by saying, “She’s so attracted to him.”

While Jiung was struggling to eacape Yuta’s strong grasp, Taeyong was halfway off his seat. I immediately reached a hand to place on his arm. “Where you going?” I asked, faking a smile when in reality I was getting nervous.

“Wanting to say hi to Jiung.” Taeyong was about to alide himself off his seat so I grabbed his arm, trying to stop him in the most natural way possible. “I don’t think you should. She seems busy.” I tugged on his arm slightly, an attempt to get him to sit back down. “But it looks like she’s struggling. I- Wait here.” Taeyong noticed how I was trying so hard to stop him from leaving. He raised a brow and shook my hand off in an instant, his strength powering over my desires.

I followed behind him. Taeyong forcefully removed Yuta away from Jiung and Yuta’s eyes immediately glanced to mine. Both of us sending nervous signals to each other in that split second. “What the hell were you doing to her?” Taeyong growled lowly, his voice and tone suddenly growing dark as he held Jiing’s wrist, his body standing in front of hers as if he’s protecting her.

“I was just getting her out of the restaurant since it’s quite packed.” Yuta awkwardly replied with an excuse. “No you were purposely stopping me from going to Taeyong.” Jiung fought back. I stood there frozen, watching by the sidelines as nervousness started rising in me. Are they going to find out about my plan with Yuta?

“I think it’s just a misunderstanding. You two can go now.” I ripped Taeyong’s tight hold around Jiung’s wrist, dragging him back to stand beisde me. “I just want to chat with Taey-”

“I don’t think that’s necessary. Move along now.” I tried to shove Yuta and Jiung out the door. Taeyong’s hand suddenly gripped onto mine. I looked up instantly.

“Pause. You’re very acting weird. What’s going on?” Taeyong’s voice was raised higher than before. A few people were staring at us. “Nothing...” I whispered, looking down. I was now scared to the bone. I didn’t know what to reply, how to cover it up. It’s gonna have to slip out eventually. At least I was able to be with Taeyong more often.

“Yuta and I planned for you guys to never meet again.” That’s it. It’s all over. With that simple line of confession, the truth was now out. No where left to hide or run. Yuta smacked me on the arm, making me wince. “What the heck?!” He half-shouted in a whisper.

“Are you serious? And for what? Jealous or something?” Taeyong was mad. So mad. And I felt it. I was so scared. I was shivering with every word he said. I gulped, avoiding eye contact with him. I didn’t need to give a reply. My body has said it all. A moment of silence filled with tension circled around us. Suddenly, Taeyong stormed out.

I panicked, immediately going back to the table we were at to grab my belongings and rushed out, wanting to stop Taeyong. I looked around frantically. I spotted him walking down the street on the left. I ran as fast as I could, my hand reaching out for him as I shouted his name countless of times, but he doesn’t respond as if he was deaf.

“Taeyong, please!” I cried out. I finally had his wrist tightly around my fingers. He turned around sharply. He tried to walk away, but I tried harder to grip onto the hem of his sweater tighter. “What?”

I realised at that very moment that I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to stop him, but I never thought of what to do afterwards. I wanted to say “Don’t leave.” But it never left my lips.

I stood there silently, my thumb caressing against the cloth as I bit my lip hard. “Hello?” Taeyong asked, annoyed. That one simple word hit me, right on the heart. It was like an arrow, painfully accurate at where its being shot. Just as how one word from him could light up my day, and one word from him can make it come crashing down as well. His change in tone and mood was quick and intense. I couldn’t stop thinking about being terrified.

I eventually took in a deep breath, opening my tote bag and taking out the book that I have forgotten to give him that day while I was spying on him.

“Here. Have it, as a present.” I brushed a hand down the back of my head, my fingers combing through the ends as I turned around and walked away in the opposite direction after shoving the book to Taeyong’s chest, remembering the note was somewhere in there but I never bothered knowing exactly where.

My breathing started to become unstable. The further I walked away, the urge of falling down to the ground and collapsing became stronger. But I continued walking, telling myself to stay strong the whole way till I reach home. “You can cry on the floor all you want. Just quickly get home now.” I kept whispering to myself, begging my legs to speed up but my wobbly knees were not helping.

I cried that night. Very hard. The whole scene of kept replaying like a movie tape. All I could think about was how mad Taeyong looked. With his voice and eyes. It was a look I’ve never seen on him before. It was like a completely new side of him. The entire opposite of what he usually was. I now realised that he’s one of those “Their all butterflies and rainbows till they get pissed off.” That phrase cannot be any more true in regards to Taeyong.

Every day I tried to meet Taeyong. At the bar, his home, the bookstore. Anywhere he could be. He wasn’t replying to my texts, or calls. He probably blocked me. And on his socials as well. He wasn’t responding to me at all. I got worried sick. Is he never going to talk to me ever again?

Constantly, I mentally slammed my head against an imaginary wall, thinking about how I never thought of this outcome while weighing out the possible aftermath of the decision I made. How could I be so stupid, so reckless?

I eventually gave up trying to get in contact with him. He needed time and space away from me, completely. The hole this made in my heart was deep, like a dried up well with vines that has sharp long thorns growing in them. And every time I thought about Taeyong, I am constantly being pierced by those thorns of regret and agony, pricking deeper into my skin the more I fell deeper.

It was choking me; Taeyong’s absence. I couldn’t breathe at all. I was sinking, gasping for air each time I longed for him. I just wanted him back. I wanted things to get back to normal. I wanted to be us again.

Two months have passed. It was the worst two months of my life. Worst than the exam stress I had for last year’s final project. I had university to worry about on top of Taeyong. I was mentally going through hell. And again, the worst one yet. And it was now that I realised, I’d be much better off having him as a friend than anything less. But I was selfish enough to not treasure it that way, and it’s now finally gone. Completely out of my reach.

One night, I was up. Doing assignments. Nothing’s new. Nothing’s changed. Taeyong has yet to open up to me. I glanced at the clock on my phone, groaning as I let my head fall on the table. I closed my eyes. I was too stressed. The world’s spinning too fast. I needed it to stop for awhile. My brain can’t bear this much.

As if on cue, the door bell rang while I lifted my head off the table. My head slowly turned to my room door. The bell rang again. A few seconds later, it rang yet again. Whoever’s outside was frustrated or something, jamming their fingers on the bell while saying “I’ll keep annoying you till you open this damn door.”

I pushed my chair back and walked over to the door. I looked through the peek hole. Taeyong...? I opened the door. On instinct, I grabbed him by his waist while his body fell on me. His face tilted up to meet mine. His cheeks were flushed red. His eyes were half opened and looking around as if stars are swirling above his head. He’s drunk.

“Good night. I wanna go in.” Taeyong whispered. Yup, he’s drunk. His breath reeked or alcohol as he spoke. I stood there for a moment, needing to process the current situation. At three in the morning, Taeyong showed up here drunk. I can think about why later. But now I had to figure out a way to carry his heavy body into the living room.

Taeyong wrapped his arms around my waist, sticking his body against mine. “You’re so warm.” I blinked rapidly. I looked down on him. I can’t believe it. He’s here. After two months of ignoring, he can simply show up here. Drunk, even. Worst of all, I still had the love to move along with this. The anger was still there. It’s just that his sudden presence made me forget about it a little while.

Out of the blue, like a marionette on strings, he jerkily push himself off me and staggered his way to the lviing room. I followed closely behind, not bothering to turn on the lights. I didn’t feel the need to. I sat down at the edge of the couch while he laid his body down. He giggled to himself and muttered things I couldn’t understand. I know what he’s like when drunk. Unstable, crazy, a lightweight. Will not remember a single thing the next morning.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not even sure why. Why did I bother asking when he won’t remember any of this the next day? Well, he’s here now. And no matter what state he was in, I just wanted answers.

“To thank you. Me thank you. Mwah!” Taeyong puckered his lips in the end, eyes closed and shaking his head furiously. His fluffy hair moving along. I smacked my bottom lip and nodded. “For what exactly?”

“For getting rid of Jiung for me. She’s so annoying. I’d much rather be with you.” Taeyong mumbled, finger slowly pointing up to me. Unconsciously, I pointed back to myself too. “Me?” Taeyong pursed his lips into a thin line and nodded firmly. “Uhuh. Yes, right. Mhm.”

I kept silent for a moment. “That wasn’t really what I got from how you reacted two months ago.” Suddenly, Taeyong forcefully gripped onto my wrist, pulling me down. I let out a soft gasp, realising that my body was laying on top of his. We stared at each other for a long while, the close proximity making it so that I could feel his cold breath on my skin, sending shivers down my spine. I breathed heavily as I felt my face getting hot. Stop it. Why are you falling for him too quickly?

“Go home, Taeyong.” I whispered so softly in a calming and light tone. Taeyong whined in response. He was now pouting with his big boba eyes. He looked like a sad puppy. My heart instantly melted at the sight. I couldn’t resist. “I’m staying here.” He said in a high pitch voice, hugging me closer and putting me in an uncomfortable position for my body. Regardless, I stayed.

After two months he was finally here, and in my arms. This night might not mean anything to him but it made me feel relived. The fact that he remembered my house, my name, me. Whether it was just the alcohol driving him to do such things that are out of his control, I didn’t mind. All I needed was for him to be here. It felt good to be with him for that one night. Just one night was all I needed. It didn’t stop my anger for him about the fact that he ignored me, but I was okay with it. That night, I let it go. All I wanted was to feel such peace with Taeyong.

We ended up sleeping together on the small couch. I woke up with terrible body aches but either way, I sighed in relief when I woke up before Taeyong. I tried finding his phone, that was hidden under the crack of the cushions. I typed in his password. I memorise it like how he memorise mine. I went to his contacts and called the one person I knew.

“I have a favour to ask, Ten.” I said nervously as I watch him carry Taeyong into his car. He hummed, pulling his head out of the car and slamming the door. “Don’t tell him he went here.” Ten gave a half-shrug, nodding his head in response. “Sure. I’m not sure what’s going on between you two, but it seems like a lot. Should solve it soon.”

“Yeah... I hope so.”

16th October.

I’ve lost count on the number of love letters I’ve given you. I can’t give them to you anymore, since you don’t even want anything to do with me. I can’t blame you. I knew you’d be pissed. I was hesitant on doing it but I was so selfish, wanting you all to myself. But what can I do, Taeyong? I’ve wanted you for so long. Yet you’re so delusional of my feelings. How could you have not read any of of my letters? Perhaps you have and chose to ignore it. That’s more painful than you being upfront and rejecting me. As much as I allow you to hate on me, I’d still say this. Fuck you, Lee Taeyong.

23rd October.

I saw you at the bar. You look... happy. Without me. You act as if nothing happened. Like I never happened. I wonder if you’re just putting on an act, or are you actually okay without me by your side. Are you still mad? Did you forget about it but have gotten use to not being with me? I want to know Taeyong so please, respond. That’s all I ask from you. Fuck that. You don’t even have to talk. I just want you here with me. Whether the air around us will be filled with tension, I don’t care. What I’m going through, is not nice, Taeyong. It is punishment for my actions. But how long do I have to keep it up? How long to I have to suffer to take a breath? For you to pull me out of this mess with your forgiveness. I’m falling apart.

14th December.

Wow. It’s December already. I’m sitting at the park we go to every Christmas. We’d be freezing to death but still glued to the bench chatting about life since we just loved being out in the snow. And yet, you never got back to me. I found out from Jiung that you left the country but never said where. I miss you, Lee Taeyong. I’m tired. So tired, of constantly penning my feelings down on pieces of paper. Words I can never say to you out loud, are all in the letters in your books that you never bothered to open. I even hid one between the books of your huge ass shelf. Why haven’t you said anything about them? I know I should move on, because it really does seem like you never want to talk to me ever again. I’m losing hope, more faster than before as each day pass, wondering where the hell as you and how you’re doing. I keep telling myself “Let it be. Let him have his moment.” But I wonder if you ever think about how I’m bearing all of this as well. That without you, I might never be able to forgive myself.

I slide the notes under Taeyong’s apartment door. I knew he was out of the country. Some nights I’d sit by his door, the note in hand as I envision him in his house. I couldn’t think about what he’s doing. And I constantly ponder about it. Is he eating well? Sleeping well? Is he enjoying himself wherever he’s at? Months passed. And as time went on, I began to wonder if my letters were even worth writing. Why was I giving so much? Why am I going through such lengths, physically and emotionally, for Taeyong to be okay? Why am I bearing such emotions when it’s not even certain that I’ll be given the same in return.

I’m making a promise to myself. I’ll let go of Lee Taeyong. I’ll slowly, bit by bit, remove my feelings out of my heart. It’s not worth it, I kept telling myself. I’m meaninglessly suffering for someone who is isn’t appreciating it. So why should I go on? I loved you, Lee Taeyong. I changed my words. I loved you.

And that was the last love letter I wrote.

Along my journey to forgetting Taeyong, I suffered a lot. I was always drawn back to him. I was always willing to put my pen on paper and just write something to him. About anything. It was a bad habit that needed to stop. I had to let go years of feelings that were being pilled up in my heart. And it was something that’s extremely hard to let go. But other than my own factors, there were external, circumstantial ones as well. Whether it was coincidental or not, that was something I can never know the answer to.

I was on my laptop, casually scrolling through Pinterest to calm myself with the aesthetics of random things. Room decor, clothing ideas, handsome idols. Anything that can take my mind off my billions of overloaded projects for awhile.

I didn’t know how, but I ended up looking at quotes, Japanese ones to be exact. The deep meaning of words. Some were heartfelt while other were heartbreaking. I read them off casually till I paused at one.

‘Tsundoku— buying books and not reading them; letting books pile up unread on shelves, floors, or nightstands.’

I scoffed to myself, pinching my temples as I shook my head. It’s just like you, Lee Taeyong. “Fucking hell.” I mumbled, slamming the laptop shut. I’ve been able to not think about Taeyong for a long time now. Or at least I felt like it was a long time. I wasn’t going to let a word get me off course. I placed my laptop on the bed and went back to my study table, suddenly feeling motivated to continue as a way to distract myself from thinking about him.

Thinking that I wouldn’t be facing that state of dilemma again, I just so happen to see a quote the first thing I entered Pinterest.

‘If they were meant to reunite, they had to go separate ways.’

I was then reminded of Taeyong yet again. But I don’t think I was thinking about him as a person, but our relationship. Just our relationship. Having to part ways as a mean to reunite. That’s something I found hard to believe. Why am I having hope that it’ll happen when I highly doubt I’ll experience it? Why is my mind slowly pulling me back to the memories I have with Taeyong? I want him long gone. I want him holed up in the corner of my mind, out of sight, out of mind. But things are always popping up randomly around me, and it all reminded me of him. I feel like it’s his doing, funny enough. Constantly hinting about him with almost everything I come across.

“What the fuck?”

I looked at the Youtube home screen and what was recommended for me. One of the videos had Taeyong’s name. And his face was on the thumbnail. The title? Lee Taeyong | Freestyle dance | Paris In The Rain (Lauv) My finger moved on its own, bringing the cursor to the video and clicking on it.

As I expected, the video was taken in Paris. So that’s where he has been. He was in Paris this whole time without my notice. I was shocked to find that the video has tons of likes and view. I read through the comments. They were all swooning over Taeyong.

“Who wouldn’t?” I said to myself. I scrolled up and played the video. My eyes didn’t leave the screen for a second. I was frozen, not being able to move an inch as I watched, completely in awe. Firstly, Taeyong has his hair dyeda light ashy grey or blue. It suited him well, all too well. His dancing was immensely beautiful. Anyone would fall for him. Visuals, talent. He has it all. Dancer by day, bartender by night. He looked so free and alive in his dance. Serving the world with a hard punch with his deep emotions that were imbued perfectly into his movements.

I bit my lower lip. Fuck. I felt it. The goosebumps, the quivering of my lips. My eyes started to well up with tears. “No, this is not happening again.” The video was still playing, the music ringing in my ears but I couldn’t bear to look at the video. I was watching Taeyong, living the perfect life in Paris. What more could he needed? I clearly wasn’t in his equation. I’m completely gone, removed out of his life. No trace of my presence to be found.

The longer I think, the more I forced myself not to cry. Eventually, being weakling I am, I ended up falling deep into the harsh and intense whirl pool that is my feelings once again, a place I never visited in a long while. The feelings started dancing in my mind like butterflies flapping in unison to the soundtrack of my sadness. I could only assume that it’s what the world wants. It’s how it wants to spin, how it wants to work.

Eight months. I actually counted how long I’ve lost contact with Taeyong for. It didn’t bother me. I was trying to live a life. It’s getting better. It took a lot of baby steps. But I’m feeling a whole lot lighter now. It’s March.

I was walking back from University when my phone started vibrating in my hand since I’ve always left it on silent mode. I lifted it up. It was an unknown number. Instinctively, I chose to not pick up the call. But a few seconds later, the same number showed up on the screen. With a light groan, I picked up and brought the phone to my ear.

“Hello? Who is this?” I asked formally, waiting by the traffic light. I heard the person on the other hand breathe out a chuckle, almost like a disappointed kind. “Who the-”

“So you deleted my number?” That voice... No doubt. It was Lee fucking Taeyong. “Meet me. My home. You got ten minutes.” The call ended.

Rapidly blinking my eyes, I slowly brought down the phone. I read over the number again. It was Taeyong’s phone. Why didn’t I remember it? I used to know it. It’s one of the few things I used to be able to tell off the top of my head. “Ten minutes?” I looked at the time.

I don’t know what urged me, but I ran. I ran as fast as I could. The unknown force. It was unfamiliarly familiar. If that made sense. I was able to live a life without Taeyong. I was. I was capable of it. And that’s what I did. But at the very moment, I felt the need to see him. The spontaneous out of the blue kind of feel. It was all just pouring out of me.

I stood at his doorstep, hand on my chest and other as support for my body against the wall. Panting heavily, I tried to slowly calm myself down. I gulped, and rang the doorbell. No turning back.

The door flung open. And there stood Taeyong. He still had his ashy hair colour. His face never changed a single bit. Nor did his overall physique. He was still handsome, breathtaking. “Come in.”

I sucked my lips and sidled in timidly and warily. Nothing has changed in his house as well. The large bookshelf with the television in the centre. I started to remember the love letters. All of them are hidden in the pages of the books in that very shelf. It reminded me of my feelings for him.

I sat down on the leather couch as Taeyong disappeared into the kitchen. I kept my head faced forward, placing my tote bag down, leaning it against the couch on the floor. Taeyong came back moments later. Two plates with a slice of cheesecake. He handed on to me. “Try it.” He said.

I slowly took a bite. Chewing on it, I scrunched up my nose, placing the plate down on the table. “I hate it. Tastes too artificial.” I commented dryly. Taeyong chuckled and cleared his throat. “Knew you’d say that.” Taeyong shoved a bite into his mouth, eating it as he placed the plate beside mine. “Want to know why you’re here?”

I bobbed my shoulders. This atmosphere, the air between us. It wasn’t awkward at all. Though our words were dry and short, it felt normal. It wasn’t weird being next to him after not seeing him for eight months.

Taeyong stood up, taking small steps to the shelf. As if practiced, he pulled out one letter from a book, another, and another, and another. It was never ending. It took him at least ten minutes to slide out all the letters and placing them on the table. I silently watch, my anxiety turning up a notch with each letter.

He finally took what I hoped was the last letter and went back to sit next to me. A specific letter is held in his hand. He unfolded it, placing the paper on the table and turning it so that I could read.

It was my last love letter.

“So you knew.” I whispered, looking down, leaning forward as I laced my fingers together. I took in a deep breath, my eyes scanning down the note before turning my head to Taeyong. “Then why the fuck didn’t you do anything about it?”

Taeyong lifted the paper off the table, holding it in front of him. He reread it. Running a hand through hair, chest puffing up as he inhaled and exhaled sharply. “Because I wanted you to keep writing to me.”

“What...?” That was definitely not an answer I was expecting.

Taeyong licked his lips, smacking them before sniffling a rubbing his nose. He lets out a weak chuckle. “I liked them. From your handwriting, to your words. I felt it; your love, with each letter.” He whispered softly.

I simply couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This was the explanation and truth I’ve been wanting to hear for months. This is what kept me up at night, what led me to have my mental breakdowns, the constant ‘what if’s I formulated throughout. “You just like them? Taeyong if you’re rejecting fucking do it now-” I was about to scream, but Taeyong was quick to cut me off.

“In a way it felt like you were writing a book. One just for me. That’s why I never bothered to read any other books. I just needed yours. Your... simply overpowering pain in the heart love letters.” Taeyong smiled down at the letter, hovering his fingers over the words.

“And I don’t just like the love letters. I love the author. Paris made me realise that. It took me that long. And I’m sorry for how long you needed to wait.”

“What do you love about the author?”

I could tell Taeyong was taken aback by that question. And I knew he would react that way. He still knew me well, bouncing back and giving a confident answer.

“I don’t want to sound common by saying it’s her smile, laughter, brightness. But it truly is what I love about her. All the times we’ve spent were filled with nothing but pure bliss. Serenity, is what I feel when I’m with her. Longing, like I was meant to be by her side. I’ve known her long enough to know every single detail about her, ones that maybe she doesn’t even know herself. Like how drinks two straws when she’s sad, or having the habit of twiddling her thumbs when she’s excited. Little things like those, I find them adorable. No matter what she is, a nerd, weirdo, plain crackhead, it’s... the energy, her own energy. A light and force only she could illuminate.”

I couldn’t say anything. I frozen stiff by his words. He actually meant it. I could feel it through his voice. He stuttered here and there nervously, finding words to say. But he was able to structure them in the most beautiful way possible. I had no words to say.

Suddenly, Taeyong slowly brought his hand up to cup my cheek. That one touch alone made me feel a lot of things. It was like I was hit by a huge wave of feelings all bunched up together and crashing over me. But it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle. It was overwhelming, but I was calm. I was at peace. It felt good. Just this.

He slowly and carefully swiped his thumbs across my cheeks like I’m the most fragile thing in the world. His touch was lightweight and simply serene. “Another thing the author doesn’t know about herself is that she really doesn’t know when she’s crying and spilling out tears.”

I blinked my eyes, Taeyong smoothing his hands from my cheeks and to my shoulders, placing them there firmly as his eyes stared into mine. I can’t exactly explain what I felt. But it was like the stars aligned, as cliche as that sounds.

‘If they were meant to reunite, they had to go separate way.’ I resonated with this now. I understood what it meant. Our months of separation were all for this exact moment. Both of us suffered, one trying to find themselves again while the other needing the time to realise that what’s most valuable was right in front of him. We needed that gap, for us to reunite and actually be able to love each other properly and willingly. Which definitely would not be a trouble now.

[kominum]

semoto (corpse x fem!reader)

4 times you think tuxedo mask!corpse could be yours + 1 time you learn to stop feeding your own delusions 

pt. 1 + background info can be found here! please read for context. 

basic rundown of classic!sailor moon (anime) lore ‘creatively’ used in this two-part:

sailor moon and tuxedo mask are star-crossed lovers/soulmates that faced tragedy in a previous life. 

sailor mars (aka you/reader) had a crush on tuxedo mask’s non-hero persona, darien/mamoru, for a while 

sailor moon is the moon princess and tuxedo mask is the earth prince.  

sailor moon’s non-hero persona, usagi/serena, bickered a lot with darien/mamoru.

fem!reader // tw: death mentions, bodily injury, unrequited love to the very end, some unresolved tension. 

1. “Whaddup, baby?” 

Without much reason, you and Corpse trade off calling each other whenever a new monster is defeated. You’re figuring out all of this as much as he is, but he doesn’t have much guidance besides some supernatural force within him. He’s not taking instructions from a black cat and white cat like you and the other girls are who can help fill you in on the gaps -- all he knows is that he’s pivotal to maintaining Earth’s existence, and he’s not exactly thrilled about it.

But the calls are never about the fights, never about your secret identities. In fact, you’d be willing to bet half your grocery funds that he still hasn’t made the connection between you and your Sailor Mars persona and part of you wants to keep it that way. Sometimes you’re mentally exhausted and just want to forget about the events for the day or night, which is why you usually end up calling him soon after everyone disperses or vice versa. It’s almost instinctual these days, and you wonder how long it’ll be before you accidentally crack. 

Right now, the rule of thumb seems to be, “Never trust new flashy shops that open with no warning and have too-good-to-be-true grand opening offers.” This time, some luxurious salon opened up by a famous local hairdresser had been the said attraction. All of you weren’t ignorant enough to believe the sham, but the star of the show had taken the chance to say, “Let’s go scope it out!” when really, she wanted that free haircut. You had called her out on it, but she argued that if anything happened, then perfect, you all could take care of it right then and there. Needless to say, you do not want to be attacked by a monstrous version of Edward Scissorhands ever again. Corpse had made a dark, humorous entrance, a style he’s really adapted to because he knows it pisses Sailor Moon off, 

About an hour later, you’re home and bandaging up some cuts and rubbing salve on bruises, phone on speaker and dial tone blaring through the bathroom. You’re addressing the scrape on your knee when he picks up, a low drawl of, “Whaddup, baby?” comes through and your heart stutters.

The girls call you a number of terms of endearment: sweetie, honey, love, dear, babe, queen, but the last person to address you as ‘baby’ with any amount of affection was your ex-boyfriend.

You scoff to hide how flustered you actually are, quietly hissing as you attempt to put some Neosporin on the scrape and catch onto some stray skin. “Are you drunk?” You ask jokingly, knowing full well he wasn’t. 

“Drunk? Nah. Tired? Yeah. But that’s always.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

“It’s old news. But uh, what’s up? Been a while since we last talked.”

“We talked like...three days ago. You called me, remember?”

“Feels like forever. I like talking to you.” 

You wonder if it’s irony or plain, cruel fate that this man will probably be the death of you.

2. “Don’t lay a fucking hand on her.”

It’d been a bad day overall. Lack of sleep compiled on by a growing pile of assignments in addition to having to get your tires checked out for an air leak because your car said, “Not today, honey,” -- everything came together in torrential hurricane and the last thing you needed was to be caught fighting another force of evil.

You’re so tired.

Sailor Moon seems to have all the energy in the world as she dodges attacks left and right, but your muscles are screaming in agony. You’re constantly hunched over and panting, but looking for the right openings to weaken the monster. Luckily, the creature has its back towards you when it dashes over to Venus and you muster everything you have to summon a bow and arrow made of fire, pulling back and making sure your arms don’t quiver. 

But at the last second, your lack of oxygen gets the best of you and your flame sniper barely manages to graze the monster’s side and narrowly avoid Jupiter. It’s enough to cause a distraction, but the anger in its glare as it’s directed at you elicits surrender in your heart. There’s nothing left in your bones to help you run or hide, and your knees buckle painfully onto the concrete. Everything else hurts so bad that you’re not bothered by the sediments digging through your skin. Venus is running towards you but she’s not quick enough, and you feel your eyes begin to slip. If this is what death feels like, then so be it. You hope that the girls’ mourning will be short, that they can still complete the ultimate mission, and--

“Don’t lay a fucking hand on her,” an angered, frustrated baritone spits out and you’re torn between laughing or crying. In a separate romantic context, you’d like the idea of wholeheartedly leaving your life in his hands. But in this reality when either of you could die at any moment and the world be consumed in darkness, it’s something you would never wish upon anyone. It’s a different situation than your bonds with the girls. 

The pain is enough to send you in and out of consciousness for the next few minutes. But strong, warm arms sit you up, though they’re slightly trembling and keeping you awake. “Hey, you okay? What happened to you? You’re stronger than this.” 

“G-great way of telling me, fuckthathurts, that I was...shit today,” you joke, but hiss when you try to move your legs and the deep scrapes scream in agony. 

“Take it easy, ‘kay? Or your princess is gonna have my head--”

“Thanks man, but we got it from here,” said princess interjects, hoisting you up with the help of the other girls. “You can go.”

“Speak of the devil,” Corpse chuckles and helps make the transfer less painful, a lot less awkward jostling around. “Look, I saved her--”

“And I said thank you. We’ll see you around,” your stubborn friend dismisses. 

“You’re welcome, baby.”

“Not your baby, piss off!”

3. “I’m always gonna be there for you, no matter what.”

It’s soft yet sonorous, deep yet light. Twilight hours are cast high above you both, separated by walls and buildings connected over wires and unseen forces. Technology is the sharpest, double-edged sword you’ve seen and used on this planet, because Corpse has never felt so close yet so far than in this moment. Your mind deludes you further by indulging in believing he’s right there next to you, strong arms holding you much like he did when you were on the brink of unconsciousness just two weeks ago.

Wishing, hoping, wanting. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous.

The one year anniversary of your ex-lover’s death looms over you on another sleepless, caffeine-fueled night. It’s no surprise when his custom ringtone chimes softly throughout your room during these graveyard hours, but it certainly raises your eyebrows when after a minute or two, he asks tentatively, “Are you gonna go visit him?”

There’s no question as to who or where “him” is. You haven’t been since the funeral, if you’re honest, swept up by work, classes, and your new side job. But Corpse doesn’t know that, and you know it’d be the right thing to do. Maybe it’d help settle the storm of anxiety (or guilt?) that swirls in your gut on a daily basis. 

“I think so,” you reply quietly after a moment of silent contemplation, already thinking ahead to what the drive might be like. “He deserves better.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Charming, compassionate, thoughtful, absolutely too good for this world -- the three-letter affirmation nearly slips off your tongue without a second thought. You can’t risk him seeing you, putting two and two together, and potentially forever losing him to his long-lost princess. Selfish delusion creeps through your veins and you fight back the shiver of guilt that runs down your spine. 

“I think I’ll be okay. Might be a visit made best alone, but I really appreciate you even asking.”

“Let me know if you change your mind. You know I’m always gonna be there for you, no matter what. Right?”

Warmth. Strength. Oblivion. 

“I know. Thank you.”

4. “I don’t have anyone else but you.”

“Why are we doing this again?”

“Because we can’t sleep and have nothing better to do.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” you chuckle into your phone, free hand swirling a pot of instant ramen. “I have better things to do at 3 in the morning than watch The Poltergeist with you.” 

“Then go fucking do it,” Corpse laughs teasingly. 

“And leave you high and dry? I don’t have the heart.”

“I mean, you really don’t have to--”

“Seriously, I was awake anyways. Just giving you shit.”

“One of these days, you’re gonna fucking regret it.”

Ramen done and lamp on, you snuggle beneath your blanket and start the traditional countdown to pressing ‘play’ on the movie. Neither of you really had the technology to screen share on this Discord call (your laptop is almost on its last leg and your apartment WiFi can be spotty at times), so it seemed better this way. 

The next roughly 2 hours are filled with laughter, small jump scare yelps, and quiet yelling at the ignorance and twisted logic of horror movie characters. But towards the end of the movie (and arguably the climax), your eyelids start to droop, body succumbing to the warmth of your bed. The screaming and cheesy, orchestrated music are all background noise as your breathing evens out, shifting in and out of consciousness. Ending credits roll on screen before you know it, and the only think that rips you awake is Corpse’s gentle calling of your name. 

“Sorry, fell asleep,” you murmur tiredly and squint at your screen, languidly closing out the window and letting the Discord window take precedence. “Tells you how riveting I found this movie.”

“Should’ve just let you sleep, my bad,” he chuckles. “Thanks for staying up with me.” 

“Yeah of course -- I wanted to, just got a little sleepy. Wanna watch another one?”

“ ‘m actually gonna try to sleep. Don’t wanna bother you too much. You got work tomorrow?”

“Not ‘til noon so it’s okay. You sure?” 

“Yeah...yeah. I’ve only had like...3 hours of sleep lately. Fucking awful.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

“You do enough by just letting me call at the fucking crack of dawn, seriously.”

“I’m your only option, let’s be real,” and your voice is a mix of fatigue, humor, and some bitter sardonicism. There’s no malice intended, and you really hope it’s conveyed accurately. 

“...I don’t have anyone else but you,” he all but murmurs. Your heart clenches painfully, anxiety and fear and love surging through your lungs. Those words don’t hold the connotation you desperately wish for, but what matters most is that he knows he’s not alone and you’re not the only one he’s got. You verbalize as such and he only hums back in a façade of agreement before wishing you a good night. 

And sometimes, while you do know that your girls have your back and that you love them to death and would take a bullet for them any day, there are nights where you really do feel the same.

That you have no one else but Corpse. 

5. “He was never yours.”

There’s nothing you hate more than psychological monsters. You’d probably take physical pain over mind games any day because at least, it’d heal faster to some degree, or there would be a more surefire way of minimizing symptoms. But sometimes, there are days when the egotistical chess players of hell come to wreck havoc on the world, and you get lost in their trap. It’s annoying, a pain in the ass, and affects you a lot more than it should at times. 

This particular instance makes you want to quit. It makes you, Sailor fucking Mars, guardian of the planet of fire and passion and perseverance, leave all of this behind right here and now. You’ve never hated yourself more for feeling so weak. 

You’re not sure what to call it -- altered dimension, distorted reality -- but all you know is that you and the princess are kept in separate cages hanging from an endless ceiling, labelled as baits for tuxedo mask/Corpse to come. The enemy lets you both stew in the confines of the metal, watching with glee as your partner attempts to cut through the rails with her tiara and ultimately fail. It seems they’ve thought of everything because you’re not their #1 enemy today. Or maybe you are. You’re not sure anymore, even as they launch into villainous speech. 

“Nothing brings me more joy than watching you lose all your energy to fight, both physically and mentally. I’ve seen all your dreams and wishes. Nothing’s more fickle and double-edged than love, no? We shall see who the prince really belongs to.”

Mention of the prince has you snapping your head to meet the enemy’s eyes, slowing squinting as they catch yours and begin cackling like your demise is racing at the speed of an oncoming train. Your princess looks confused, but dread is heavy mercury filling your veins because you know, you know, your best held secret is coming to fruition. 

“What the fuck are they talking about?” She hisses across the void. 

“I don’t know,” you lie through your teeth, eyes flicking toward every corner of the cage now to find a way out. This isn’t how you wanted it to happen, much less happen at all. 

“Are they talking about Corpse?”

“Is there any other prince they’re referring to?”

“Do you always have to be a smartass with me?”

“Somebody’s got to,” you allow yourself a slight reprieve of laughter. It’d be dumb to try to set fire to this thing, knowing you’d only burn yourself in the process. Your exorcism tags also have no use and you can hear the clock ticking down in your mind. 

“Think it’s pretty fucking rude to keep a couple of girls in cages, not gonna lie,” a baritone voice cuts through. It sends temporary sparks of relieve down your spine. Perhaps you’ll have a fighting chance to get out of here. 

“Welcome, welcome! I’d like to get straight to the point, but maybe we’ll up the stakes a little bit before you answer my question,” they tease cartoonishly and you want to roll your eyes.

“Is this a fucking test--”

Both you and sailor moon yelp as the cages drop into a miraculously (or not) appearing large body of water, but still hanging just above the surface so you have enough air to breathe. You look out and down to see how deep this pit is, and though it might be some elaborate illusion seemingly defying all laws of physics, you see nothing but descending darkness. You don’t even have to hear the question to know what the enemy is going for, to know that they’re trying to hit you where it hurts the most, and you loathe how cliché and goddamn unfair this whole situation has turned out to be. 

“So, dear prince. Pretend that the fate of the world depends on the princess. Before you are just two girls you know and care for, stuck, captured, and on the brink of drowning. You may only save one. Who would it be?”

It’s fucked up. Corpse seems stunned, perplexed by the question. “What the absolute fuck is this? Just let them go if you had an issue with me.”

“Quite frankly, I have an issue with allof you, so this is only fair. Now, what’s your answer?”

Corpse catches your eyes first. Is it from the water that your eyes seem to be brimming with unshed tears? Is it stubbornness or defeat in the way your hands clench around the cage bars?

And this is why, once again, you hate enemies who strictly play mind games. Confirmation that Corpse would never love you the way you do him, knowledge to the princess that she’s the source of your deepest unhappiness despite the bickering friendship, realization to Corpse that the girl he’s treasured so dearly and maybe unknowingly kept as a bit of a placeholder was doomed to love him -- pain on all of you, lashes and scars on what was once believed to be unbreakable bonds, as soon as the villain explains it all with sick glee. 

“Do I have to give you an answer?”

“If you don’t, I’ll really consider drowning them since I honestly wasn’t before.”

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

“Ah, just to make things a little more interesting -- I’m aware you and the princess speak regularly outside of all this.”

They what? This was certainly news to you. 

“And?” Corpse asks somewhat defensively. 

Don’t say it. Don’t tell him. Please don’t--

“Say Mars, don’t you enjoy those late night calls with him, too? Though I must say, meeting in a hospital while your ex-boyfriend is having life-altering emergency surgery seems rather morbid in its own respect.”

You don’t have to look at him to know and hear the gears turning in his brain, the villain allowing this brief silence to let everything sink in. There’s a disbelieving whisper of your name, your real name, but he’s cut off from saying anything more. 

“You have 10 seconds.” 

You know the stories. You know the couple’s tragic end in their previous lifetime. You know that as much as the princess denies feeling anything but annoyance towards Corpse, she looks forward to seeing him. There’s a certain softness that he treats her with, different from the platonic affection that he showers you in. You’ve lied to yourself for too long. 

The countdown has no chance to finish when Corpse spits out a name that’s not yours, your eyes squeezing shut to fight back the tears that threaten to flood over. Everything disappears and you land on your butt -- a quick sweep of your surroundings registers two things: Corpse running over to your princess and the villain standing proudly at the chaos they’ve created. It’s instinct that has brings your powers to surface, arms and fingers quickly notching a fiery arrow with pinpoint aim at the imaginary target on their head. “Move!” You yell at the two and they scramble to gather their bearings and avoid your rage. 

They don’t run or cower. The maniacal grin only grows wider and more sinister and you’re this close to screaming expletives. 

“Hurts, doesn’t it, to know that he was never yours?”

It’s the last thing they say before you release the arrow, watching with no remorse as they burn and disintegrate. When the dust disappears and the dimension shifts back to some abandoned building with an exit, you run. 

You run until your lungs burst, until they scream over the aching of your heart, until your costume dissolves and you’re finally buried under the blankets. You turn on ‘Do Not Disturb’ and only allow notifications from a select few important numbers.

And maybe you’ll keep running. Maybe you’ll go off the grid. Maybe you’ll let your voicemail inbox fill up with unheard messages, apologies that you don’t and never will deserve. 

But the love you feel and cherish will never fade. It’ll run alongside you; a bright, burning star, forever bittersweet--

Forever out of reach. 

[h2bakugou]

Can you do a oneshot with tamaki amajiki? Maybe where he is really stressed out over a test or a big social event and he isn't eating. Anyways his s/o notices that he is starving and tries to calm him down and makes im a nice meal? And you can add cuddling if you want, it's your choice!

a/n: of course hun! i love tamaki with my entire being kdgkjds this request is really wholesome thank you anon <3

summary: stressing over an upcoming event for his class, tamaki hasn’t been eating right. you’re quick to notice the change in his behavior so you decide to try and make him feel better.

key: (y/n) - your name / (f/n) - first name / (l/n) - last name / (e/c) - eye color / (h/c) - hair color / (y/q) - your quirk

warnings: swearing, fluff

wordcount: 1.2k

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Being third years at U.A. was a pretty big deal. Even more so when your boyfriend was one of the Big Three. His responsibility to the school was huge, he held a bit of a reputation and he was pretty important overall.

So naturally, when an event had been planned for all of the third years to participate, the Big Three were meant to sort of lead the entire class.

The entire third-year class had been split into three groups, each member leading a group along with two teachers and or staff members.

The event wasn’t for a few more days but you could tell Tamaki was stressing. Social gatherings weren’t really his thing. You were lucky to have been split into his group, but the notion didn’t ease his anxiety at all.

You weren’t mad, however. You understood that he was anxious, and he probably wasn’t going to take the situation very well, he was experiencing a lot of stress and the responsibility of being a group leader for such a vast amount of other third years was pretty nerve-racking.

At first, you’d just realized how focused he’d been on his school work. Seemingly taking his mind off of other things entirely, he would bury himself in a textbook and finish work for all of his classes in a matter of hours. It was odd.

But when you invited him over to your dorm for some dinner and a movie and he declined, you were a bit worried. He’d opted for sitting in his dorm rather than the library where you usually studied so you had no idea when the last time he ate was. 

You usually snuck in some snacks to the library, sharing little pudding cups or wafers while you looked over test-prep questions.

With the event less than a week away, you were way too worried about Tamaki than anything else. He didn’t show up for lunch after classes, and you were lucky enough to find him in the hallway going over some sort of mathematical formula.

“Hey, Tamaki!” You smiled, giving him a soft hug from behind.

“H-hey.” Tamaki replied, startled by your sudden hug.

“I didn’t see you at lunch, are you studying again?” You questioned, curious as to what exactly he was doing with his textbook out in the hall.

“Yeah. J-just trying to get this one problem down.” Tamaki muttered, burying his head in the textbook again. You wondered if he could even see, his hair hung in his face, it had to be way too dark to read anything with his head blocking the lights.

“I wanted to ask if you were doing okay Tamaki, you’ve been really distant, do you want to go sit outside, maybe get some fresh air?” You reached for his hand but it recoiled away from you.

“I-I’m just worried.” Tamaki replied, closing the large textbook before sliding it down into his bag.

“T-the trip and me being a group leader, it’s really not right for me, I want to give it to someone who actually deserves the role. Mirio and Nejire are perfect for the role but I’m not.” Tamaki explained, finally joining his hand in yours. The two of you walked outside and took a seat on one of the benches.

“It’s been h-hard for me. I can’t do it. But I don’t know how to say that to one of the teachers. You could take my place-”

“Tamaki, you’ll do a fantastic job. They chose you because you’re talented and skilled, and you’re more than perfect for it. I promise they didn’t make a mistake choosing you.” You kissed the tip of his nose, a smile on your lips as you stared into his indigo eyes.

“I haven’t eaten in days, I-I just haven’t had an appetite.” Tamaki admitted, leaning his head into your shoulder. You hugged him gently, allowing him to nestle into your arms. 

“If you eat a little something you’ll feel better, you got to have the right nutrients to be strong. I’ll be right by your side the entire time okay? And if you get nervous you can squeeze my hand to make you feel better.” You kissed his cheek, your fingers playing with the ends of his violet locks. You knew he was feeling bad but you didn’t realize it was this bad.

You could only provide your unwavering support to him. He had to do the rest on his own but you had no doubt that when the day came he’d be alright. He just had to throw himself into the role and he’d get settled pretty fast. It wouldn’t be easy at first but he could do it.

It’s just for a day, and when it’s all over it’ll be a nice relief. We could go get ice cream after, a little date? Would that be alright?”

“I’d like that.” Tamaki smiled, inhaling your soothing scent as he laid still in your arms.

“Come on big boy.” You tug him up. Tamaki gives you a small kiss on your neck before sitting up, a faint blush on his cheeks.

Thankful for the early release of today’s classes, you took advantage and had Tamaki stay in your dorm for a bit. He watched tv and read through one of his current books while you cooked downstairs in your dormitory's common room.

After making a nice meal for you and Tamaki, you brought it up to your room and surprised Tamaki.

“You made this f-for me?” Tamaki blushed, feeling flustered at the act.

“Of course. You deserve a good meal after a long week.” You smile, sitting down across from your boyfriend.

The two of you eat in the quiet, the low sound of your tv playing some cartoons filled the background with white noise.

Tamaki finished his plate fairly quickly. You smiled when he licked his lips clean.

“That was amazing, bunny.” Tamaki complimented you, placing his utensils on top of his clean plate.

“Thank you.” You giggle. Tamaki extends his arm out, using a finger to wipe a bit of food off of the corner of your mouth. You feel your face heat up as he brushes his thumb across your bottom lip. 

Pulling his arm back, Tamaki just smiles at you, a warm feeling erupting in his heart. He was so thankful for you.

After eating, you ran the dirty dishes back downstairs and raced back up to your room where Tamaki had picked out a movie for the two of you to watch.

Cuddling up next to him, you made sure to hug him tightly. He rested in between your legs, his head laying on your chest. You played with his hair as you watched the movies, his fingers drawing little shapes on your thighs.

When the day of the trip came, you sat beside Tamaki on the bus, holding his hand the entire way there. Giving him a little kiss on his lips to reassure him, you stood by his side and after the first couple of minutes, Tamaki had been able to speak without stuttering. 

You were proud of him as he lead the group along, even getting to talk with Mirio and Nejire when the class took a lunch break.

The ice cream date after was much needed and despite it being a bit late outside, you enjoyed the time spent with Tamaki nonetheless.

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