#but now that my mental health is in shambles i don't feel like i deserve to preach what you should and shouldn't do

[watarfallar]

Has anyone got any fluffy fic reccomendations? Preferably Scarian or Ethubs. Also sorry I haven't posted in a lil bit my mental health just went a bit brrr.

ALSO HAVE SOME MORE INCORRECT QUOTES!

Tango: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple... Joel: I really care about your feelings! Lizzie: I really care about YOUR feelings! Tango, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple... Scar: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL! Grian: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU

Bdubs: God, if only someone loved me… Etho: *standing behind them with roses* Grian: *holding box of chocolates* Cleo: *has balloons and a card* Joel: *facepalms* This is sad.

Grian: Having two partners is both amazing and complicated. But all our problems are solved with communication. Scar: It’s my turn to cuddle Mumbo. Grian: FIVE MORE MINUTES DAMMIT!

Etho: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? Bdubs: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? Etho: Yes. Bdubs: I'd sleep.

*Grian comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Scar’s bedroom.* Scar: Babe, are you.. coming to bed? Grian: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a husband. Grian: *Lies on the ground and falls asleep* Scar: ...

Jimmy: Talk dirty to me~ Tango: Inflation is a serious problem and lumber prices are at a high. Jimmy: Wha- Tango: The economy is in shambles.

Jimmy: *Holding up a pack of pencils* These are kinda cute. Scott: Jimmy, that’s gay. Jimmy: We’ve been dating for 2 years—

Tango: Is there a cactus where your heart should be? Grian: What’s up your ass this morning! Jimmy: *walks in* ...Hey. Grian: Hmm… nevermind. Tango: WAIT NO!

Grian: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex? Joel: Sex. Etho: Seriously, answer faster. Joel: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you. Etho: It’s like a giant hug. Grian: Scott, what about you? What would you give up sex or food? Scott: Food. Grian: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs? Scott: Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice. Ren: What about you Scar? What would you give up sex or food? Scar: Oh... um... I don’t know, it’s too hard. Ren: No, you gotta pick one. Scar: Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!

Tango: Etho doesn’t deserve you. Tango: If they don't treat you right by now, you're gone. Bdubs: I'm gone. Tango: Now go chop their dick off!

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 21

chapter 36:

1. “It's been so long. Oh, there you are, here you are, hi,” *deep breath* AHHHHHHHHH

2. 😭😭😭 “Remus keeps a firm grip on him and turns around to promptly leave, which is probably a little rude, considering that the others are here and may wish to greet him, but he honestly can't bring himself to care about that right now” i would expect nothing less

3. WOLFSTAR REUNION!!!! I AM IN SHAMBLES!

4. “On the way, James glances back with a grin, internally wishing Sirius all the good things, because no one deserves them more.”

oh. wow. that’s such a soft line. it’s literally making me melt

5. “Remus could not be more in love if he tried.” shit shit shit shit sobbing. wolfstar deserves the world

6. “He does love Sirius, though. Loves him dearly, with every defiant bone in his body. This man, who doesn't even realize the importance of what he's just done by giving Remus an unopened envelope. Remus, who owns nothing. Remus, who has nothing. Remus, who is not granted privacy or freedom for anything like this, for anything at all.”

i am on PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION and i am BAWLING my eyes out as silently as i possibly can. y’all don’t understand the restraint i have right now to not loudly sob

7. the LETTER has me CRYING

8. THE SECRET MESSAGE

9. oh, okay. remus killed an auror/greyback. it’s honestly not as bad as i thought it would be. also, i love the lily and remus duo. they’re so iconic

10. i LOVE LOVE LOVE that zar made a point for sirius to have the discussion that his demisexuality is NOT because of trauma and he’s always been that way. it’s beautiful <3

11. “”You can ask Regulus and James; I walked around for a solid month making everyone call me Mr. Sirius Macdonald."” STOP PLSS THATS SO FUNNY

12. SIRIUS JUST TOLD REMUS HE LOVED HIM!!! this is literally so sweet

13. andjskjdksksjsms the authors note:

“sirius, internally: a guillotine could not sever the head im about to give this man. good for them 😌”

chapter 37:

1. i’m starting a gofundme to get regulus a balcony

2. "”Sirius doesn't let me drink," James replies flatly.

"Well, don't say it like that, James. You make it sound like I'm a strict parent, or a controlling spouse," Sirius grumbles. "And I do let you drink, in moderation, when you're in a safe environment and in a good mental state. Don't forget to mention that you only let me drink within those same rules."”

i bet james is upset with the rules he made for sirius so long ago. came back to bite him in the ass

3. describing sirius as “ruffled like an offended bird” has done wonders for my mental health

4. james, remus, and sirius are all hanging out and i am beyond angry that peter doesn’t get to share this moment

5. pandora is such an angel and doesn’t deserve this pain

6. pandora and reg friendship >>>>>>>>>

7. their outfits for the night!! every last one of them is slaying so hard

8. “There's a tense moment where a group of murderers all stare around at each other, not opposed to adding a few more names to their lists. Oh, and Pandora is there, too, startlingly calm despite this.”

yaxley needs to shut his fucking mouth and stop implying that sirius will fuck his way through issues

9. “"You know what they'll assume we're doing."

"Running away," Regulus mutters.

James sighs in exasperation and fond amusement. "No, Reg. Fucking. They'll assume we've snuck off to find a corner to go fuck in."”

😭😭😭😭😭 i love reg. he’s so ready to leave

10. jegulus is getting their shit together and improving. i’m so glad

11. “James swallows. "They're—they destroy things now, when they never did before. They're rough sometimes. Bloody."

"Warm," Regulus counters, pressing another kiss to James' shaking fingers. "Steady. Strong. These hands hold the people you love. These hands care for them. They're gentle. Tender."”

this is love. what they have is love. it’s messy and broken and so difficult, but they’re trying and it’s love

12. and once again we have wolfstar my true loves ☺️☺️

i feel like nows a good time to add to respect bizzarestars’ wishes to not have the fic reposted or reuploaded a different site. i can’t remember his wishes about bookbinding, but respect those as well.

thank you, lovely people

[lostonmari]

SUCCESS #2 - November

Success #2 -- Everything I manifested in November

November is when I started this blog, and also ACTUALLY started applying all of the things I learned started taking affirming and thinking in my favor seriously instead of just sporadically manifesting random things here and there because I was too lazy to put in the work. I never had issues w wavering, but I was just inconsistent as fuck (Hell, I'm still inconsistent with posting on my own damn blog, yall can't possibly think I'm consistent with affirming!) So here's everything I manifested…

Manifested back my old bestfriend/ex-gf after 4 years no contact She came back, apologized for mistreating me and told me basically everything I affirmed for LMAO. and that's one of the things that gave me faith in the law because ik this girl would rather die than ever apologize to someone. Now that she's back I'm manifesting away her friends and leaving her broke down and in shambles because I'm evil and believe in revenge. yall dont know the type of bullsh*t this woman put me through. Idc if everyone is you pushed out, some people don't deserve forgiveness 🤓

My mom is walking again I successfully revised her shattered ankle without the weeks of recovery time the doctors "thought" she needed. She's literally walking around just fine now and doesn't need to wear her cast or whatever that big bulky thing was.

Manifested my brother out of jail on a time crunch Now I'm not sharing my family's whole drama online but… yea. he's out.

No more social anxiety, cured one of my mental health issues I don't wanna trauma dump or go into too much detail about my life but, yes. for anyone also working on mental health, it can be done and you won't regret trying. Life actually feels like it has meaning now and for once in all my years of life, I can actually say that I'm happy. 💗

Stopped nail biting COMPLETELY! I used to struggle with nail biting for YEARSSS whether it was out of stress, anxiety, whatever the fuck. but now it's completely gone. my nails are no longer STUBS, like theyre actually long and healthy. I didn't even affirm for this so I kinda think it came with improving my mental health since I didn't really have the issues that *triggered* nail biting anymore yk?. I'm actually the happiest about this result like yall don't understand how long I've wanted the natural french tips look 💀

[TW: Discussion of binging, discussion of food]

6. WL + Maintained weight loss! I literally changed my entire way of viewing food, and subsequently fixed my lose->gain->lose-> gain again cycle. Ever since learning LOAss If I binged I would be like: I just have a fast metabolism so that's why I'm so hungry my body is burning everything I eat so fast! and I would also tell myself calories don't matter because food is only energy. Basically, reminding myself of what Abdullah told Neville: "If you ate as I did, you would be poisoned because of your belief." (heavily paraphrased because my memory is terrible.. yes I'm working on it 😭) and it keeps me from feeling guilty abt eating. I ate SOOO MUCH food yesterday and I mean SO MUCH. I ate an entire box of cheese sticks, two large chicken sandwiches, 2 pb & j sandwiches total throughout the day, and half a tub of icecream for dessert… Yeah I was going crazy.. to the point I looked 5 months pregnant at the end of the night. Fast forward to today, my stomach is back to flat and back to normal as if it never happened. Food literally will not effect you if you believe it doesn't! This was my main focus too so I'm very proud of myself :)

Moral of the story is, never give up.

YOU decide what happens in your reality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There were times when I didn't want to affirm, so I didn't. If I felt lazy then I didn't consciously affirm or listen to subliminals, I just relaxed and went on about my day. I never made affirming feel like a chore. There were times when I had doubts too or thought it wouldn't work. I especially thought it wouldn't work for my mental health but I just affirmed anyway. When you're having resistance literally just know there's nothing bad that can possibly happen from believing in yourself and thinking in your favor. Just DO IT. Persist no matter what and you WILL get what you want!

I'll try to do better with posting my successes (but only ones that actually meant something big to me tbh. I don't see a point in sharing every little thing unless it was me overcoming some type of struggle) and answering messages but I refuse to download the tumblr app so yall just gotta see and hear from me whenever I feel like loading up this website. I'm just enjoying & living my life rn girl I used to dream about times like this and now I finally have them 😭

[aenscribbles]

A room to grow, A. | 3

Ah, 2022 recap? Sure.

Hi, it's me again. It's been a while, don't you think so? I had to take some time off from writing because my mind is in shambles over the past months, I couldn't put anything through words and it was extremely difficult for me. Although it still is, but I managed to sort some things out even just for a little bit.

I can still remember the start of my 2022, it was and it felt... Empty.

In the first months of the year, a lot of things had happened which caused a great impact on where and what I am now. I had to put an end to a two-year-long relationship during that time, and I also had to undergo countless checkups and therapy due to an illness that occurred.

In the course of those months, I felt how taxing everything was. However, what had happened made me rethink things and see circumstances differently. I figured that if it weren't for what and who I've lost that moment, I wouldn't be okay right now.

By then, I realized how mentally and emotionally draining my relationship was that it highly likely added to my troubles which hindered me from continuously healing and stabilizing. The endless anxiety it gives me caused my mind to go haywire that ended up stressing me out big time—which also added to my failing physical health.

I had a lot to fix with myself when things were put to an end, and if it weren't for that then I would continue feeling lost and drained.

Of course, healing isn't rocket science. Breaking ties may have done a great deal for me now, but there's also a lot of things I have to unlearn from the past relationship. As well as connections that I had to cut off and get myself used to not having around anymore.

To retrieve myself from the fall, I went to different places to find peace within myself. I took all the time and space that I need to gather myself again, and re-align my life and goals.

I fixed everything that is needed to be fixed, as well as I started to put pieces of me back together.

There are setbacks and breakthroughs along the way, and with those I was able to understand how my life works. Ironically, after all that happened, the time I had for myself made me fall in love with being alive again.

Until my greatest downfall happened just before the year ended... I lost my mother—my greatest support system, my first love, my world.

The colors I have in my life have faded back to monochrome. I was lost once again.

To say that a lot of things changed after that is an understatement. My path curved and I was redirected to a different journey over again, but despite feeling lost, I need to continue walking.

Losing my mother meant that she won't be here to pull me out of the dark anymore when I'm trapped, I have to do it myself and that made me stronger. It was hard but I managed, not just for the sake of my mom's dying wish, but for myself too.

I learned various things in the hardest way through that. I started to disengage with people that continuously harms me, and I finally had the courage to brave myself out of situations that damages me.

2022 introduced me to the bravest version of myself. Moreover, it also made me see who are the people that deserve a spot in my life.

My view on everything changed entirely, but there's something that I've gained after all those, my sense of self and my worth.

There's more behind the story of what had happened this year but I suppose everything's already enough to sum up my year.

We're now hitting on another year, I hope in some ways the end of 2022 was kinder to you just before you faced a new chapter, a new beginning.

I thrived, I survived. I hope you, too.

[paintalyx]

.

[asstrolo]

𝖂𝖍𝖆𝖙'𝖘 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖔𝖓 𝕹𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖒𝖇𝖊𝖗/𝕾𝖈𝖔𝖗𝖕𝖎𝖔 𝖘𝖊𝖆𝖘𝖔𝖓? 𝕻𝖎𝖈𝖐 𝕬 𝕮𝖆𝖗𝖉 ♣️♣️

Finally, Scorpio season is here, bye the worst Libra season i experienced. Anyways hii guys, I've been dying to make another tarot reading and Scorpio season is finally here, thank God, so, please choose the picture you feel more called to, any feedback is good feedback since I'm new at this, so please let me know what you got and if it's accurate to you!

I'd advice you to pick a picture when you're not stressed or distracted, otherwise the reading might not resonate, take your time choosing a pile.

ONE LAST THING: Some of these readings came off a little too strong, as I was making them I felt a lot of heavy emotions, good and not so good. They could bring up "harsh truths" or traumatic past experiences, so please read them with a graint of salt and logical thinking as they are not completely positive. At the end of the day they are just readings to pass the time and not meant to take soo seriously.

𝕻𝖎𝖑𝖊 𝟏:

For those who chose pile one, I see here something that's primarily focused on a romantic relationship, a past situation you were in where your needs weren't met or you never given in return the love you offered. I am seeing a very specific situation for some weird reason, where, when you tried to confront your partner for their lack of caring, they twisted the words and made you feel like you were the one that was lacking and weren't giving enough in the relationship, a very deceitful, untruthful person that only cared about their own needs and emotions.

This is a very complicated subject, this person (who probably isn't in your life anymore) made you feel worthless or guilty for the problems they had, and it has marked you really, really deep into your subconscious, to the point where you can hear their voice in your head criticizing you even after so long. This can be the past, very recent past too; sadly, you are still selling with the scars of a toxic relationship and a manipulative person, you feel like you are lacking in every single thing you do, and you feel stuck in the same negative mindset, this connection has left you tired mentally, psychologically and physically.

Now, in the present or near future you are being asked to attend to your wounds and take care of yourself in every way possible, dedicate time for yourself more than anybody else, take care of yourself the way you used to take care of that one person. The road to healing is long and it can be really harsh, you are in a very stagnant moment in your life, don't know what to do or where to go. My advice for you for the Scorpio season is trying to take care of yourself and try things that you enjoy or always wanted to do, don't seek refuge in negativity and self-pity, it won't help your mental health. Of you're tired, rest, if you feel like changing something on your life or doing something different, do it. Being newly out of an unhealthy relationship is very confusing and overwhelming as you try to rebuild yourself to the person you used to be before meeting them, go slow with your healing.

You are now free from the shackles of a miserable person who did not make you happy, you deserve the love you dream of, don't let anyone make you feel less than ever again, good times are coming probably at the end of November, you'll feel more positive. You could have Pisces, Cancer and/or Scorpio in your chart, as well as Virgo.

Channeled song:

𝕻𝖎𝖑𝖊 𝟐:

For those who chose pile two i see you've been going through A LOT, these past few weeks specially, the Mercury Rx has left you in shambles, it has completely shift you as a person inside out. I want to start with you before Mercury Rx, maybe you are a person who has a really hard time communicating your needs or your emotions overall, and it's something you always knew needed to be worked on, well i have a feeling you were (or still are) being forced to speak up even when you felt very uncomfortable, since you bottle things up so much, when you finally do speak up it comes out in anger and impatience, so people not only don't listen to you, but tell you to calm down before talking. It has been very difficult, you are changing do much in such a short amount of time and Scorpio season won't be any different, obviously you have a lot of transformations to go through this November.

You lack balance between the head and the heart, you are a very logical and smart person, and you know that! But at the same time, you are too cold and detached, running away when things get hard has always been your coping mechanism, and it's time to let go of old habits. You might have "wronged" someone or left them in the cold, ran away when you got scared of too much emotions and, yes, you feel guilty for doing so, it not fair bit that's just how you are. No more! On Scorpio season try to be more open with your emotions to people you care about, build strong foundations with these same people and look within as to why you are so afraid of vulnerability and telling your feelings, did people never cared for your emotions when you were little? Or your home was so chaotic you felt like you should've been the mature person?

My advice for November is that you try being more vulnerable and don't feel ashamed of your emotions, work on how you love, aaannnddd if there was someone (probably romantic, damn) you left or ran from because of your fear of opening up; you don't have to spill your guts with them, but this person probably really cares for you and they will understand why you left, they probably are like you too, but a little bit more open, apologize or start a fresh page. Lastly, be more present, you're too in your head, you're being asked to get out of your head, you're too anxious about things that don't matter, focus on growing as a person and not in your past mistakes. What's past is past. You could have Aquarius, Sagittarius, Libra and/or Gemini in your chart, BIG mutable energy.

Channeled song:

𝕻𝖎𝖑𝖊 𝟑:

For those who chose pile three the main theme here is you and your social circle, specifically your female friends? This energy feel very crowded, i have the feeling you are a person that helps around the community a lot, or are the first ones people go to when in need of help or solving a problem, you are the mom friend, the helpful friend, everybody asks you for advice, you are the mature friend. However, your friends are taking you for granted, could it be? You are the union and glue to the friend group, yet nobody asks you how you are or what you've been up to, it's always a conversation about them.

I'm seeing, and I'm sorry for this, negative energy from some of your friends, they might be jealous of you and your potential that, when you try to tell them something about yourself or your projects they ignore it or dismiss it, put you down and make you feel like they are not as important or as well planned as you thought, you are a very giving person, this is the problem, you are giving too much to people that give nothing in return; this could refer to a romantic relationship but I'm sensing more a friends or family like situation.

For this Scorpio season you should prioritize, who? You! Yes, you need to be more selfish, a lot of close people to you are, sadly, envious of you. Try to focus on giving yourself what you give to your family or your friends when they need help, you are a very selfless person and you like helping, but helping a friends shouldn't cost your energy or your time, if you want time for yourself, then this season is perfect to start to trying new things, buy new clothes, get a massage, everything you'd like to do, you don't need to run when someone needs your help, you're nobody's mom and you deserve time alone.

Also, you are a very ambitious person and you are planning things for the future and investing on it too, I'd advice you to tell fewer people what you're planning to do, maybe just one person lol. My advice for November is detach from old energies and connections that drain you, spend more time by yourself and doing you, right now things are a little bit suffocating (hello, it's that relative/friend that won't leave you aloneee) and you need an escape from it, if you want to travel, do it, it's gonna be good for your mental health.

Be more courageous and bold when trying things out, people always tone you down because they want you at their level. Do whatever you want, you don't owe anyone an explanation, try to be alone in your own company more. You could have Leo, Sagittarius and/or Aries in your chart.

Channeled song:

𝕻𝖎𝖑𝖊 𝟒:

For those who chose pile four, the main theme here is a situation, a past energy is still lurking in your mind or in your surroundings. There was a person here (could be more than one, but I believe it's just one) who you trusted wholeheartedly, you put a lot of your faith and trust in them and they gave you in return lies, they are very deceitful people. This person took something away from you from behind, while you were idolizing them in front of everybody else, and when you saw really the kind of person they were, you felt stupid, like you should've known better, you are still overthinking this situation and hurting your own feelings.

You are a smart person, normally you don't let just anyone see the most vulnerable parts of yourself, you let this person in and they betrayed your trust. And now they are talking shit behind your back, telling how easy it was to fool you and you just feel undefeated, the truth is; yes, this person played you but when you met them it was a very low moment in your life and you were looking for someone to confide in, this person showered you with compliments when you two first met, and they were there in a very dark phase in your life, you weren't happy and you were having a lot of issues, one of them including low self-esteem, they took advantage of that when you let your guard down. It is not your fault that you were trying to find a friend in a viper.

Now, in the present (or very recently) you're trying to distract yourself with things that give instant gratification, buying things, eating, using series or movies or books to distract yourself from thinking of it, don't get me wrong, if you want to rest and find pleasure in little things to make yourself feel better that's okay, but you're only doing that, you are not being productive, I see someone who spends the day and night watching tv and nothing else. It's time to move, to go out of your house and also move forward, this is a very stagnant energy, literally you are not moving your body enough and you spend way too much time in your house or your room, go out with friends! But most importantly, start working, planning, find something that occupies your mind in a productive way, you are a very ambitious person, VERY.

You know that sitting all day is not gonna help you achieve all the things you want to achieve and it makes you anxious, but at the same time you aren't doing anything to change this. What is a job or project you've been wanting you do for s long time? Something that is gonna give you money? Do that. Don't hesitate anymore. The Scorpio season is the perfect time to start these projects, whatever is that you want to do to get recognition or money. In the past things weren't very fair, not with you, but you can't pity yourself forever, it's time to get up, whatever that person did to you, don't worry, they will get back what they gave to you.

My advice for November is that you take more risk career wise, you like having money and having commodities so it's time to invest your time in making money and advancing in terms of career or study, be careful of not falling back into your old ways, indulging in laziness or self-sabotage, you can be very successful if you aim to achieving your goals. You could have Taurus, Capricorn in your chart, BIG cardinal energy.

Channeled song:

Happy Scorpio season!!

[pinkpaganofficial-blog]

Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

I'm here

April 30, 2021 2:15 am

Last day of the month. Gusto ko lang balikan yung mga nangyari ngayon month of April and see kung may improvements ako when it comes to my mental health.

First, I cried less than last month 🤧 Dahil na rin siguro sa gamot and dahil tulog ako most of the time at wala akong time para umiyak 🥴

I also feel less emotions than usual. I can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed out loud. All I can remember are nights when I was crying over my emotions na hindi ko mailabas. Hindi ko maintindihan yung nararamdaman ko most of the time. Minsan nakatulala lang ako.

For the first time, I felt peace. Nangyari lang siya once or twice ata. Yung wala talaga akong naramdaman na lungkot at worries. The feeling is unfamiliar. Nilalabanan ng utak ko yung "feeling" na yon kasi hindi ako sanay. And that "feeling" itself gave me a whole new anxiety. It was as if I was numb, kaya sobrang natakot ako. I was crying for hours. Kung kailan akala ko na payapa na ulit pakiramdam ko doon ulit ako inatake ng anxiety. When will it end? No matter hard I try to fight, lagi akong bumabalik sa ilalim. Its tiring. This whole thing is an endless cycle.

On the brighter side, I cried less. Minsan na lang yung mga anxiety attacks, hindi na palagi. I always have enough sleep a day. I'm taking my time to fully understand myself. I have more "me time". I tried to focus on myself. Literal na I detached myself from the social media world for a while. Its actually nice not trying to live up other people's expectations on you. I was busy pushing myself to heal para sa iba and then I realized I'm doing it wrong all this time. Sure, my family want me to get my life back together because they need me. Sanay na sanay na ako na gawin lahat ng bagay para sa iba, to the point na kinakalimutan ko na sarili ko. I was too pressured last month kaya lumalala. Kaya naniniwala ako na iba iba talaga yung pacing ng bawat isa when it comes to healing.

But again, "too much" is not good. I detached way too much. To the point na iniisip ko lang is 'sarili ko lang kakampi ko and I don't need anyone else para malagpasan lahat ng to'. Narealize ko to ngayon, I can't just turn away and leave. I don't have the heart to turn my back on those people na hindi napagod na initindihin at suportahan ako. Bakit ako lalayo? Pinapatunayan ko lang sa ego ko na kaya ko mag-isa when in fact, hindi talaga lol. At one point I was as hard as a shell. I was too hard on myself,, again. Di na ako natuto.

'Til now I'm still trying to figure out my next step kasi di pwedeng ganito ako habang buhay, I have to move on with life. Kahit gaano pa kahirap ang buhay, we need to keep up with it. We'll only be stronger as we went through it. That's growth✨

On the second note, I finally submitted my freakin resignation letter. After so many months of avoiding anything work related stuffs. I even ignored my manager for weeks. I was almost tagged as AWOL, eventually naintindihan rin naman nila reason ko though its still unprofessional. But yeah, rendering na ako and my last day will be on May 12. I'll be free in no time 😊

Right now, I try to go back to my usual hobbies, like reading. I m reading a lot I even bought a pdf copy—yes binili ko sa shopee 🤧— of the Firebird series and book 1 palang ako which is entitled "A thousand pieces of you" 💕 Sci-fi siya and I luvv it cause science heart heart hahaha. Kumakanta ulit ako. Music makes me happy talaga. I really can't live a day without it. Make up, don't me. I feel so so confident with make up on. Kahit nga red lipstick lang eh 🤧 It was my coping mechanism for the past few years as if make up will cover up my mental health issues 😗✌🏼 and I'll take a selfie kasi catfish ako at sa picture lang ako maganda 😩 sad truth.

Anywayss, napaka haba na nito ugh. Thanks for your time catching up with me.

I know its hard, this pandemic is making it worse 😩. I know hindi lang ako yung nahihirapan and all of us are facing different struggles in life. Kaya we deserve a little celebration for ourselves kasi we are strong enough to continue life kahit mahirap. Don't forget to breathe/pause when everything is in shambles, afterwards you can continue. Ang dali dali sabihin no, pero mahirap gawin. We can do it frends. I know we can.

Hey you! Thank you for being with me at my worst. I love youuuu huhu. I'm cryinggg. I can't believe I have you with me this whole time and nandito ka parin 😩 I'm forever grateful. Promise, a time will come na lahat ng to babalikan nalang natin kasi nalagpasan na natin siya. I'm living for that day to come 😊

Sincerly,

Laila

[ecfandom]

I'm sick and my mental health is in shambles and everything is just so loud and I don't know what to do. I don't really know why I'm here telling you this because you can't help and I don't expect you to but neither can anyone here. Hell, the people I'm with can see that I'm not okay and they won't even just talk even just a tiny bit quieter. I hope you're having a good day.

Oh, love. It’s all going to be okay. I promise. I just came off of a week long anxiety attack. I know how scary and upsetting it is. I’m no expert, but what I can tell you is what helped me through it. A lot of it is just letting it pass, but there are things you can do to take the edge off and help speed your recovery. 

The number one thing to do is to be gentle with yourself, even when (especially when) no one else is. People are selfish by nature, it’s a survival mechanism left over from when we were picking through the underbrush hoping for some quick carbs. It’s rather unfortunate, but it’s more of a reflection of a vestigial reflex rather than how people actually feel about you. Luckily, we have ourselves and sometimes that’s all we need. 

Take stock of your favorite things--things that make you feel warm and happy. Mine are warm tea and nice smelling candles, soft blankets, silly movies, fairy lights, yummy food, video games, cuddles with my gf and animals, etc. Once you’ve got a list, do as many of them as you can, as often as you can. It may not make anything better right away, but I promise it will start telling your brain what’s good and what to focus on. 

I also like to do some active brain “tricking” as I call it. Our minds can really blow things out of proportion sometimes and be our worst enemy. Luckily, they’re like puppies and can be easy to train with time. The most effective thing I’ve found is to say affirmations. If you’ve been around my blog for a bit, you’ve probably heard me talk about them before. If not, they’re basically just happy statements we say in the present tense of things we want to be true; things that will help us cope with whatever has our anxiety or depression, etc., flaring up.

Here are some of the ones I used for myself which helped me deal with anxiety related to a lot of big changes I have coming up: 

***

I digest and assimilate all new experiences peacefully and joyously. 

I breathe freely and fully. I am safe. I trust the process of life. 

I relax and let life flow through me with ease. 

I am strong and powerful and I have the knowledge and ability to handle everything in my life. 

I am deeply centered and at peace with life. It is safe for me to be alive and joyous. 

***

I printed these (and more) out on a Word document with pictures of my mom and puppy and flowers and a little round yellow chick that had a speech bubble saying ‘you deserve good things.’ 

They feel a little silly at first, for sure. A little new agey and hippy dippy. Trust me, I get it. But when you say them -- and writing them is even better -- enough times, you’ll start to see that they really work! And even if they don’t feel like they are, I promise you that having a sheet of paper near you with cute pictures on it certainly doesn’t hurt. 

Another thing that really helped me was getting up a little earlier and taking walks in the fresh air with my puppy. Often I just chatted about anything and everything as she flopped along. It was nice to hear a voice, even if it was my own, and made me feel less alone. I made sure to tell her (my pup) things outloud like, “Today’s a good day. I like how green the grass is, and I like the sound of the lawnmower back there. I feel good and I’m okay, and even if I’m not that great right now, I know I will be.” It’s nice to just have a little conversation with yourself sometimes. 

And lastly, focus on taking care of your body well. In times like these, we just want to eat comfort food and lounge around. Try to get some healthy food in you and your blood pumping a little every day, even if it’s just some jumping jacks. Even if you don’t feel that great emotionally or mentally, our bodies can’t help but to respond to healthy food and exercise with happy brain chemicals. 

You’ll be okay, my sweet friend. I know it, and you can know it too. And you’re welcome here anytime. :)