#but now i'm like this is just kinda pathetic. you're a grown man. get some therapy

[backtodecembertv]

excited for next week when he'll probably continue to avoid any event i might be at even though he "doesn't care"

[forever-rogue]

Hi bee, how are you? hope you're having a great week ❤

I was thinking about a Joel fic, they're in Jackson and reader lives in the house next to Joel's, they become friends and are feelings in between but they're to stubborn to confess.

Ellie is kinda dude just tell her and finally he does it with some dinner in his house or something like that.

Thank you, your fics are amazing 🥰

AN | I love this so much! Joel being soft for his girl has me so <3

Combined with this prompt | Can I please request something with Joel where he’s like cold in front of others but he’s so soft with his girl. And Ellie absolutely teases him for it. 

Pairing | Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings | Language, Mentions of Sexual Situations 

Word Count | 2.9k

Masterlist | Joel, Main

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"You're soft, you know," Joel stiffened at the sound of Ellie's comment. He had a feeling he knew where this was going, but decided not to indulge her. Not yet anyway, "for her."

"Ellie," his voice was careful, collected. So much for being any sort of subtle.

"I'm just saying," she holds up her hands innocently, playing as best as she could into her innocent child role, "and everybody knows."

“Nobody knows anything,” he insisted with a gentle, playful little tap to the side of her cheek, “y’all are always so nosey with everyone else’s business, makes me wonder what any of you ever get done.”

“Hey, I’m a kid, I’m not supposed to do anything,” she stuck her tongue but Joel’s hands settled on his hips as he gave her that look, “fine, I do some things.”

“Some things,” he twanged back at her, “like your chores, right? Which you should be doing right now, not harassing me, so get going.”

“You’re so stubborn,” she groaned, throwing her arms up in the arm, “and blind! Dude, just tell her!”

“Ain’t nothing to tell!” he called after her as she threw up her middle finger. If she would have looked back she would have seen the wicked, rosy blush that was covering his cheeks. His face felt warm enough to fry an egg on. 

He wondered if people were really that perceptive or if just she was. He hated the idea that he was being so obvious. It wasn’t that he wasn’t into you, oh no. Joel Miller was into you; the whole picturing a future together, picturing you in his bed when he was alone at night, growing old(er) with you, type of into you. 

He just had no clue if you felt the same. Even remotely so. And he wasn’t about to make a fuckin’ fool out of myself by making a move and potentially being wrong. The thing he hated most of all was the idea of a life without you. He’d rather keep you as a friend than lose you altogether. 

Joel huffed at him, feeling pathetic with how lovesick he sounded. He wasn’t some sort of teenage boy, he was a grown ass man.

“Hey cowboy,” okay. He was a pathetic lovesick grown ass man, “whatcha up to?”

“Nothing,” fucking hell. Joel’s voice pitched up about three octaves as he glanced over at you, standing in the backyard like a vision. He never knew he loved sundresses so much; not until the weather grew warm and you started wearing them. You and those pretty little dresses were going to be the death of him, “just working on a few things around the house.”

“Hmm,” you mused as you walked over, ghosting your fingers along the flowers that had started growing, “need a hand? I’m done with the things I needed to do today. The rest are a problem for future me.”

“I like your thinking,” he agreed, setting down the hammer he’d absentmindedly picked up to look like he was doing something, “let’s call it a day.”

“Want to head to the river?” Your suggestion was followed by a sugary sweet smile that made him want to take you in his arms and kiss you, “we can bring some lunch and have a little picnic.”

He wanted to have a little more than lunch. But that was a conversation for a different day.

“Sure,” he agreed, a vain attempt at nonchalance, but if you noticed, you didn’t give it away, “let me just get out of these dirty clothes first.”

“Need a hand with that?” you teased, feeling emboldened for whatever reason. The surprised look on his face as he opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water was worth it, “I’m just teasing, Joel. No need to look so panicked. You change and I’ll get some lunch together. Do you think Ellie would like to come?”

“No!” he insisted quickly before realizing his gaff. You raised an eyebrow but remained silent, “she’s busy with her chores this afternoon. Kid’s gotta earn her keep, you know?”

“Mhmm,” you reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, “well, just meet me at mine when you’re done. Door will be unlocked as always.”

Joel watched wordlessly as you flounced away, skirt swishing and hips swaying. He was pretty sure he was almost drooling, but caught himself before anyone around seemed to notice. You were trouble; you were absolutely going to cause him to lose it. 

And god, he was so here for it.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You looked nervously around the kitchen, trying to figure out what you could throw together for a little picnic. You hadn’t really thought this far ahead - you hadn’t really expected him to say yes. Not that Joel had ever said no to you but still…one never knew. Maybe the dress was helping; you’d worn it purposely after all. Men practically became putty when they saw a woman in a sundress.

“Fuck,” you sighed to yourself, already mentally prepping the food as you grabbed the picnic basket out of the cupboard. You sang to yourself, “don’t fuck it up, don’t fuck this upppppp.”

You kept singing that mantra to yourself as you bounced around the kitchen and managed to whip up a lunch that wasn’t too shabby at all. By the time Joel made his way over to yours, you were flushed and breathless. His handsome face and lovely smile were almost too much for you. You felt like a victorian maiden in the presence of a man alone for the time.

Yikes. You really needed to get laid. Preferably by Joel, but that was a worry for another day.

“What’s got you smilin’ like that?” you could have sworn there was a knowing little smile on his face. 

“Nothing,”you. You weren’t about to just freely admit that yet, “just excited to get to spend some time in the sunshine with my best guy.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. You knew you wouldn’t be able to take his reaction, be it good or bad. 

“Come on,” he reached for the basket before you could even think about reaching for it, “let’s get going then, sweetheart.”

You warmed up under his saccharine gaze but let him take the basket nonetheless and followed after him. 

As the two of you walked towards the lake, on the outskirts of the ever expanding Jackson, a few people here and there stopped to say hello and, you know, do the whole chit-chat thing. You loved talking to people and totally soaked it up…meanwhile Joel was a totally different story. He didn’t dislike people, not unless they gave him a reason to, but he wasn’t a big talker or mingler.

You wouldn’t say he was cold to others (Ellie totally would), but he was absolutely soft for you. Even if you didn’t know it, you had that man wrapped around your finger. 

While he vehemently tried to avoid being stopped by anyone else, you looped your arm through his…and almost killed him in the process. You smelled sweet, not cloying so, but just right and your skin was dangerously soft. He should have gotten an award or something for how much self control he managed to exercise around you. 

Meanwhile, you were oblivious to the internal struggle he was currently experiencing, instead talking his ear off about something Gemma had said to Ben but then did with Kerrie. He wasn’t sure, he was only half listening, way too distracted by you.

When you got to the lake, you slipped your hand into the basket and pulled out the soft blanket that you’d had enough forethrough to bring. You tossed it under the shade from one of the trees so neither of you would get too hot from the direct sunlight. You sat down and patted the space next to you, watching as he set the basket down, his brows knitted together in what appeared to be deep thought.

It wasn’t all that deep; he was trying not to stare at your breasts or how good they looked in that dress, or how your legs looked particularly enticing. If you were to sum it all up, he was basically trying not to be a pubescent boy and pop a boner at the sight of you. 

Grown man he repeated to himself, you are a grown man.

“I don’t bite,” was it on purpose? Maybe, maybe not. But you liked the look of pure panic that his face morphed into, “unless you want me to.”

“Sweetheart-”

“C’mon,” you cut him off, enjoying this a little too much, “pull out some sandwiches because I’m starving!”

So was he. Just not for food. Well - you and food if he was being honest.

When he froze, you reached over him and pulled out the freshly cut fruit and sandwiches for each of you, handing it to him with an air of innocence. He gratefully accepted your offering, stuffing his face full before he could make too much of a fool of himself. 

And from there, as always, the two of you feel into easy conversation, about life, this, that, and everything in between. You liked that about him - things were always so easy, so right with Joel. In the time since he and Ellie had arrived in Jackson the winter before, Joel Miller had easily become your best friend…and all around favorite person. 

You wanted to tell him, really, but you were terrified of messing things up and losing him. It wasn’t worth the risk. Not yet anyway…and maybe never but yeah. Joel was it for you in so many ways.

"Berries," his smile lit up his entire face, effectively pulling you out of your little fantasy. You nodded as you watched him grab a ripe strawberry and pop into his mouth, "my favorites!"

"I know," ugh. How was this man adorable and dorky on top of everything else? It was unfair, "you told me."

"When? Like once in passing," he raised his eyebrows as you tried to play it off, "you remembered?"

"I remember a lot of things," you whispered, "especially about the people that mean most to me."

Joel was stunned, unable to think of the words to properly convey what he was feeling. He opted for a nod as he leaned against the tree, casting him in a golden, sunny light. 

You grabbed a few berries from the bowl and gave him a wink before lying down on the back, staring at the fluffy white clouds. 

The two of you settled into a comfortable silence as you ate the lunch you had packed, growing full and warm.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

After a while, you came up with a brilliant plan. You sat up and looked around to make sure no one was nearby before standing back up.

"Swim with me," you said suddenly as you grinned at Joel. He remained silent as you started to push up your dress, brown eyes wide and his throat feeling thick. You shucked the dress off and tossed it by him, "Joel?"

"O-okay," he was trying not to lose his control as you stood there in front of him, only a bra and panties. You were so carefree, uninhibited, and wild that it was infectious. You tied up your hair before walking over to the water and motioned for him to hurry up, "are you sure you want to-"

You jumped into the water before he could say anything else, remaining below the water for a few moments to let your body adjust the temperature difference. When your lungs started to burn, you floated back up and broke through the surface. Joel was standing at the edge of the lake, hands on his lips as he watched, a lazy little smile on his face. 

“Water’s perfect,” you drew back your hand and splashed them gently, “come on in!”

You could see his hesitation and shook your head. You swam to the edge and held out your hand to him. He was weighing something in his mind, mulling over his decision before he eventually tugged off his boots and pants, kicked them to the side. It was a moment until he gathered up the courage to pull off his shirt - silly, he would say but you would argue otherwise - but he tossed into the pile of your clothing. 

“Handsome,” you cooed softly as his shoulders relaxed. And he was, you weren’t just trying to make him feel better. You could see the scars and marks littering his body along with the freckles you already planned on connected with your lips, and the muscle under the softness. You loved him - all of him, “alright?”

“Alright,” he agreed before sitting down and dangling his legs in and eventually slipping all the way into the water. You could tell he was up to something but your musing was quickly put to an end when you felt his hands on your hips, causing you to shriek in surprise. You heard him laughing as you pouted at him, “what’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“You are a menace,” you turned around so you were facing him, settling your hands on his shoulders, “you, Joel Miller, are trouble.”

“Yeah?” he was practically vibrating under your touch as you tried to give him a somewhat serious expression. It fell flat, more of a sweet, innocent look, which made his heart even softer than he thought possible, “what about you then? What does that make you?”

“Sweet and innocent,” you grinned softly, “I’m a good girl.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Were you trying to kill him?

“Oh sweetheart,” he tried to keep it from sounding too much like a groan, “you are something else.”

You hummed in content as you closed your eyes and tilted your head towards the sun. You couldn’t have imagined a better day - but there was still one more thing you wanted to know that could make the day even better than anything else, “So, I was talking to Ellie…and she told me something interesting.”

“Ellie says a lot of things.” oh no. His heart was racing so quickly that he was afraid that he was going to pass out, “mostly nonsense.”

“I’m not so sure on that one,” you snorted in amusement, “do you wanna know what she told me?”

“I suppose you’re going to tell me regardless of what I say…”

“Of course,” you reached over and stroked his cheek, watching as a boyish grin grew on his face, “she told me that you like me. You know, like me like me.”

“And she said it just like that?” he asked, trying to his cool as you tried to read his expression. 

“She did actually,” you stuck your tongue out at him, “are you gonna tell me if its true or not? Or are ya gonna leave me guessing?”

“Do you really need me to tell you or do you already know the answer?” he was deflecting, trying to make sure he hadn’t read anything wrong.

“I’m pretty sure that you’re hopelessly and madly in love with me,” you were teasing - but only just. You both knew that much, “but a little bit of reassurance doesn’t hurt either.”

“I am,” he confirmed after a few moments of tranquil quietness passed between the two of you. Inside you were practically screaming and bursting with joy. When you didn’t didn’t say anything, he grew worried, “is that…are you…okay? You’re makin’ me nervous sweetheart.”

“Yes,” you gave him the most dazzling smile. You paused for a moment before quietly exhaling, “oh! I’m in love with you too. If that wasn’t obvious….I thought it was, but I figured you’d want to hear it too.”

“I did,” he relaxed; every fiber of his being was humming with positive energy. Holy shit. You loved him. You were in love with him, “were you ever going to say anything?”

“Eventually,” you confessed, “but I kind of liked watching you squirm too. You look real cute when you blush, you know.”

“I do not,” he huffed indignantly, “I do not blush.”

“Whatever you say, love,” oh. He liked that sound of that, “are you going to kiss me or?”

“Do you want me to?” his eyes widened, “you want me to kiss you?”

“Very much so,” you agreed, “I would love it if you kissed me…finally.”

“Finally?” he asked, wondering if you’d wanted this for as long and as much as he had. The look on your face said it all.

“Finally.”

[mayimkjs]

Mikoto's Notable T2 Timeline Convos (EN Ver)

Taken from the FOOL's MATE research doc

T1 EN

T1 JP

T2 EN

T2 JP

1) 2022/10/06, Mikoto's birthday

Sakurai Haruka Mikoto-san. Um, are you ok……? Kayano Mikoto Ah, Haru-kun. It’s been a while since we last talked, huh. Yeah, I’m fine. Are you doing ok……? Sakurai Haruka Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been enjoying myself, a lot. Um, I’m sorry, for avoiding you.  I was a bit scared. Of you, honestly…… Kayano Mikoto Ahhh, yeah. I’ve been lashing out whenever I go to sleep, right? ……it’s fine. Even I think you’re right to be scared. You know, I kinda just hate that I don’t even know what’s going on myself…… haha. Kayano Mikoto Ah, but despite all that you still came and talked to me because it’s my birthday, right? Thank you, you’ve grown into a good man.

Mikoto has cast himself away.

His relationship with Haruka is completely different as he's now scared of Mikoto.

Mikoto is understanding of his fear and thinks Haruka is in the right.

He has no idea what's been going on and thanks Haruka for the birthday wishes.

2) 2022/12/15, Kotoko's birthday

Kayano Mikoto Ah, Koto-chan. It's been a while. We were isolated for some time but, how are you doing? Lots of things happened, but for now let's get along. Here, it's your birthday right? I figured that no one would come celebrate it for you, so I came to wish you a happy birthday. Yuzuriha Kotoko ...What a carefree person you are.  Someone as atrocious as you won't be forgiven next time too, surely.  When that time comes, it'll be your last. Next time, I'll kill you. Kayano John Haah? Why don't you try it then, you lunatic.  I'll crush anyone who tries to harm me....  I'll make sure to thoroughly beat you at your own game...!! Yuzuriha Kotoko Hmph. The boundaries have gotten more blurred, it seems.  Your existence itself is a crime. I will give you your punishment.  This is MILGRAM's, Es', and also my own decision.

Mikoto and Kotoko were separated for some time. He still wants to get along with everyone and wishes her a happy birthday.

Kotoko then threatens Mikoto

John fronts and threatens her back.

3) 2023/10/06, Mikoto's birthday

Kayano Mikoto Is it true… There’s really another me? These tattered clothes, and scaring everyone, it’s all because of him.  They say I'm a murderer... Isn't it unreasonable to expect me to believe that? Kayano Mikoto Can you hear me talking like this?  If you can hear me, then answer me.  Why are you doing such horrible things? Hey. It's your fault things have become like this. ……Answer me!! Kayano John Ah, ahhh!! Because, I did it for your sake...!  Because you would break apart!! Kayano Mikoto - - What am I doing...?  There's no way you'll conveniently give me an answer. I should just stop thinking about everything already...I'm tired......

Mikoto has completely isolated himself at this point.

He’s trying to communicate with John but is unsuccessful. Even though John responds, Mikoto can’t hear him.

4) 2024/08/05, Kazui's Birthday

Kayano Mikoto Well, you know... I appreciate your feelings, but... I don't know what I might do, even I'm not sure myself. So I think it's best if we're not together for a while. Besides... haha, aren't you scared, Kazu-san? Mukuhara Kazui Hmm, due to my job, I'm used to dealing with troubles youth. You must have your reasons. I don't feel like prying. Well, come over if you feel like it. Staying alone all the time will make you feel down. I can keep you company if you need to relieve some stress. Kayano Mikoto Yeah... I'm not really used to relying on others, you know. How should I put it, I feel like I'm being a bother. I can't bear that feeling of being pathetic... I guess I'm being very Japanese about this, haha... Mukuhara Kazui Hmm... well, that's fine. If that's easier for you, I won't force you. But you know, people in their 20s are still kids. It's admirable that you're hard on yourself, but I think it's okay to cause a bit of trouble for others. After all, I'm nearly 40 and I'm still a kid at heart.

He’s starting to confide in others more.

He still thinks he’s a monster and that other’s shouldn’t be near him. 

Kazui is offering to help Mikoto out by listening to him when he needs it.

He’s admitting that he has a problem about bothering others.

[willgrahamsbecoming]

why chilton?

AAALRIGHT im going to assume you're coming from my confession thing (chilton is the most reasonable character) so i'll answer that first.

(coming back up here after writing a bit, this is long and spoiler-y so i'm adding a read more. @ vic youre already up to season 3 just wait ok)

also a disclaimer: i'm writing all of this from memory while freezing in the wind at the bus stop. errors may follow

chilton may be a dumbass when it comes to his own actions BUT everyone is tbh so thats kinda just the baseline

however! he was one of the only people to believe will. he saw the evidence (albeit the little of it there was, since hannibal left very little) that pointed to hannibal, and he was able to put aside his positive associations and think critically about it

jack and alana both let their personal connection to hannibal cloud their judgement until it was too late. which is understandable! i love both of them as well. but out of those three people we see regularly interacting with hannibal personally, having dinner as friends (or more!), frederick is the only one who was willing to consider that hannibal was the ripper

of course beverly did as well, but she wasnt close with hannibal, and breaking into his house without telling anyone where she was going unfortunately docks some reasonable points. sorry bev </3

(and bedelia. but she didnt really try to do much about it except send smoke signals in the form of wine and truffles. i can understand that though. go get your europe holiday girl)

he was also the only one to see hannibal and will's fucked up relationship in season 3 ("with those two [disembowelling] is tantamount to flirtation" in aperitivo).

and now for more general 'why he's my favourite' stuff!

i really love his character arc - it's almost circular, and hes still recognisable as the frederick chilton we meet in entrée by the time the number of the beast is 666 rolls around, but he's taken his experiences in and grown as a person, imo. still confident, still egotistical, but still Changed.

and the fact that he's still the same by the end is really meaningful! because we all know that this man is a human punching bag - he went through so much over the course of the show, but he got back up every time. he's an incredibly strong person for that (and probably a little - or very - stubborn!), and it's very admirable. he held his head up and he faced abel gideon after he vivisected him (he stood right in front of him! the man who had broken out of restraints more than once!), he sat and ate with hannibal (more than once, we can assume) after he'd attacked him in his home and left three mutilated corpses for him and left him pretty much for dead

(im sure jack wouldve shot him if he hadnt surrendered and been someone familiar, and he wouldve likely been tried and if found guilty, executed much like hannibal should have been without frederick and alana saving his ass)

of course, this insistence on standing his ground led to his unfortunate fate in s3e12, but it's not his fault he didnt forsee a third attempt on his life. his strength is admirable nonetheless

i'd dock reasonable points for 'trusting will graham' but everyone did. that's another baseline. (aside from bedelia, i suppose. but her first impression of him was hannibal's pathetic little rambles in hannibal-mandated therapy)

also he's a funny little guy and has some of the best lines in the show. and he's played by raúl esparza who did so INCREDIBLY like holy shit

okay i think im out of stuff to say and i'm nearly at my stop thanks 4 reading

[elgascreamslikehell]

Just because I'm spending whole day singing 'I wanna die wanna die' here's a little fluff from the top of my head

Still have no Idea of current rating system so pg? Like nothing cruel only fluff and mi-mi-mi

'You love Buck!'

Eddie knew. Like for a long time. And he means long time as years now. So that wasn't a surprise or anything. He just doesn't understand why it could possibly matter.

'Well, yes. So what's your point?'

Peppa stares at him with her special 'mi sobrino is an idiot' look.

'I spent so much time to find you a perfect date. What for?'

'Still have no idea what are you talking about, you was bored maybe?'

'Edmundo! You're in love with this nice boy. I'm fine with it, i just don't understand why did you keep it a secret? You know i love you and I'm always on your side'.

Eddie nodded. Well, he is in love... kinda. But still, what could anything about it possibly do with his dating life

'I haven't kept it a secret, i just don't understand why could it matter'

Peppa scoffed

'Fine. At least you tried to face the reality. Not in a right way but still. Let me find you a fine boy then, i have a friend, her nephew is really nice young man... And he's also pretty. Not as pretty as you of course.'

'Peppa, just stop. You really think i can't find somebody by myself? I just don't need anyone'

'Mijo, you need someone so bad it looks pathetic! So no arguing, I'll update you when you have a date!

Eddie exhaled. Arguing with her anyway was senseless, if she decided something nobody can stop her.

***

'And that's how i have a date tonight. With some random guy named Alberto, who in their right mind would name their child Alberto?!'

'My brother's name is Albert, so i can give you a list'

'It's not Alberto, this 'o' in the end is just...'

'Well, Edmundo... You just don't wanna go on this date. With the guy. Actually, congratulations, you came out so smoothly i didn't even get it on the first time. I'm so proud of you'

'That's not the point, but thanks, Hen. I just... I mean I'm grown up man, can i decide something in my private life alone?'

'From your previous experiences - no.'

'Thanks, Bobby. Really helpful. By the way, Buck, you're surprisingly quiet. Is everything alright?'

Everyone just turn to him

'Yes, I'm fine. I hope your date would be great. I'd really love to see you happy.'

'But i am happy?!'

Buck just nodded with so much of visible attitude that Eddie was ready to start defending his imaginary happiness. Bobby saved the day, of course.

'If you say so. Okay, team. Work is calling'

***

'Still don't wanna go?'

'Try to guess. Buck, do you need a lift?'

'Nah, I'm good, thanks, i have a ton of plans with one of my favourite persons today'

Everybody seem intrigued. Eddie exhaled loudly

'My son. He's taking Chris to the natural history museum. And i should go to some bar. Maybe i also want to go to the museum'

'You hate museums!'

'But i.. ok, fine. I hate museums so i should drink myself to the oblivion, nice'

'Well, actually no. You can just have a good time.'

'Yeah. When i come up with some sweet excuses why I'm not interested in this guy'

'You've never met him before!'

'So?'

This discussion is going nowhere

***

'Listen, i know you're getting ready for your big date...'

'Shut up and get to the point already'

Eddie puts him on speaker and threw away another shirt. He hates everything about this date but somehow he wants to look impressive. Why? What's wrong with him? Okay, this shirt is good. Buck loves it. But he's not dating Buck...

'I mean, did you know, the stairs in the museum are also... Historical?.. and slippery...'

'Chris?!'

Eddie dropped the tie he started to knot. Maybe it's for the best, who wears a tie to the bar, even if it's a fancy bar.

'O my god, no, of course not. Sorry if i scared you!'

'Buck. Back to business. Slippery stairs?'

'I sprained my ankle. It's not that bad but i was asking if you're fine i stay with Chris at your place instead? I'm not sure i can go further with museum walking. And Chris's pace'

'You shouldn't ask. Ever. Okay, I'll be there in...'

He opens uber app

'Thirty minutes or so. Are you sure you don't need ambulance?'

'I sprained my ankle, it's not that I'm dying! And what do you mean you'll be here? I can drive!'

'Yeah, sure. I'll be there anyway, so wait for me'

'But your date..'

'See you'

Eddie hung up, types quick message 'Sorry, i have an emergency' and called uber

***

'Well, it's not broken from the first glance but we're heading to the ER anyway. Give me the keys'

'I know it's not broken, i told you. So...'

'Buck, i can't recall asking you. Chris, go to the car. Did you have fun?'

'It was awesome, do you know T-rex and brachiosaurus have never met?!'

'Interesting. Give me my first aid kit please'

'What are you doing?!'

'Try to guess. Put on a tight bandage on your ankle. You're taking back seat to have your leg steady. Can you go or... nevermind'

Looking to the limping Buck was so unpleasant... And he moves so slowly! That Eddie has no choice other than carries him to the Jeep.

***

'I told you it's not broken!'

'And yet i wanna be sure. Okay, take your papers and let's go. Do you want to get some food on the way?'

'I can cook!'

'No you're not. You should keep your ankle in peace and comfort, so no kitchen work for you. I was thinking tacos. And a big bucket of ice cream'

'Sounds... Great, actually. But your date?'

'Forget it. Okay, you're so slow...'

'Don't you dare to carry me again! Edds, cut it! Put me down!'

Buck's laughs so lightly Eddie feels his heart melting. And even if he would never recover from that - he would never change this moment for anything.

***

'Why have we never watched Jurassic park before?'

'Well, i just thought as your museum experience wasn't so great... You can at least watch a movie about somebody with more problems? And now, Chris, it's time for bed!'

Chris yawned and headed to the bathroom with no arguing what was actually new for him. Or he was just really tired.

'It's your bed time also, Buck. But firstly you need to take another painkiller.'

Buck makes his special puppy eyes and smiles

'And then you get me another pillow here? For, you know, my ankle?'

'Why would i bring here pillows if you'd not be here?'

Buck freezes and his smile is literally vanished

'What do you mean?'

'I said. Bed time. Not couch time. We should have also checked your head cause you definitely lost your cognitive ability'

'..oh'

'Do you think you can manage the big journey to the bedroom or..'

'I can! It's not so bad, really, you saw that, doctor said tomorrow I'll be fine! Edds, please, don't carry me around anymore!'

Fuck Eddie loves his laugh. He loves everything about him.

And he forgot to call Peppa. Tomorrow, he'll do it tomorrow, anyway she already knew that he skipped the date, it doesn't matter when they could have an argue on that. Cause of course, Buck's ankle wasn't that bad. It wasn't a real emergency.

But to be fair... He has no regrets at all.

***

'Hey, Eddie! So, what's about your date night? Judging by your smile i can suspect it wasn't that bad?'

He smiles to Hen, taking the cup from her hands

'Actually...It was surprisingly good'

'Really? Which bar were you at?'

'No bars. We were at home, watching movie and eating ice cream. It was nice ice cream and actually i like Jurassic park.'

'Sounds.. cosy. But what's about this guy, do you like him?'

He paused for a second.

'I love him'

Chim whistled

'That's big! Maybe a little bit fast but...'

And here's Buck. It took him surprisingly long time to park that time. His ankle is fine - he still has a bandage but at least he is not limping anymore. And he even went to the loft to get his sketchers.

'Hey, guys! Oh, Eddie, you're already here. Sorry that I've ruined your date but I was thinking maybe we can watch second Jurassic park movie after shift? If you're not planning to give your date another chance, of course. Erhm. Guys? Why are you staring at me?'

Hen coughs

'Eddie was just telling us about his perfect date. With movie and ice cream....'

Chim nodded with enthusiasm till Eddie tries to drown himself in his cup

'Yap. Eddie said he loves the guy!'

'But..but he wasn't on date... I mean... Eddie?!'

'Mhm?'

'Why did you say that?'

'Cause, Evan, I'm not a liar?'

'Okay...'

Buck's face became red as the engine behind him

'We can talk after shift, if you'll be in a mood but really, Buck, there's nothing to discuss'

It's so obvious for him that there's a lot to discuss but Eddie looks at him in a strange way... And yes, this is not that kind of discussion he would like to share with the team.

***

They were in the changing room after the shift when Buck starts again

'Why didn't you tell that to me first?'

'Didn't tell you what? That i love you and i can't imagine my life without you? Maybe it's non of your business?!'

Buck chokes on air. How can he forget Eddie's main line of defence usually is attack?

'Why so?'

'Cause I don't want to ruin our friendship.'

'Than i ruin it myself!'

***

'How do you think, if they even remember we're still here?'

'I think you need to give them space.'

'Bobby?! When did you get here?'

'Five minutes ago. Hen, what are you filming?!'

'Family archive'

'No, you don't! Get yourself out of here now, that's an order!'

***

'I beg you not to. I'm sorry, Evan. I really don't want to lose you. Ever. So I'm fine with the friendship if you're capable of doing so, knowing... That'

'I don't want to be your friend'

Buck see how Eddie's face goes grey. Like small light in him just burnt out in a second.

'I understand. I'm really sorry'

'Shut up. I don't want to be your friend and i don't want you to be my friend. Only because i want you to be my life. I want you to be happy, i want to make you happy, i want watching movies with you, hell, i want to live my life with you. And see Chris growing up. I want all of this. With you. I just have no idea i even have a chance!'

Eddie smiles a little

'Why didn't you ask then?!'

'...I didn't want to ruin our friendship...'

Eddie starts laughing

'Ruin it for fuck sake!'

Actually Buck has been thinking of this for several hours straight. He thought of doing this for several years now but constantly thinks from the second Eddie carried him to the car. So it is surprisingly easy for him to push Eddie to the locker and kiss. And kiss. And again. Like he was trying to catch up on something. Based on Eddie's reaction - he was for it.

Buck opened his eyes when kiss is abruptly stopped and he heard applause. He turns his head just to see three smiley faces in a small door window.

And then door opens.

***

'So, mi niño, how was your date?'

'Great, Peppa. It was great.'

'And Alberto told me you've never shown up'

Peppa smiled.

'I'm so glad for you. And i really like Evan, you know?'

'I know.'

'And now i love him even more. Cause he makes you happy'

'He does'

Eddie smiles.

'He really does'

[amourtoken]

WAITTT okok how do we feel about ari with a slightly younger gf…

cw for legal and consenting age gaps btw if it isn't clear before reading

I live this daily cause I'm 21 and he's definitely older 💀💀 (but what can I say the second a man turns 30 I immediately become pathetic when thinking abt them)

I don't think Ari would really care about the age of his partner, if you were older than him he'd love you just the same of course but there's definitely some interesting perks and parts to having a younger partner for sure.

If your age gap was as big as ours would be I can 100% see him making jokes abt it more than anything. There's just enough of a gap to have missed out on some stuff he would've grown up with and if you say you've never heard of something that he'd show you from that era he's immediately bullying you for it. ("What the fuck are you like 12?? How do you not know what this is????" Ect.)

He kinda enjoys feeling like he has the edge on you though in that sense. He likes the whole "I'm older than you so I know better" feeling and by no means does he think you're lesser than him but he absolutely takes on the whole protective mentor type role in your relationship. (Also think back to every time he's called himself daddy in a verse do u see what I'm going for here)

That being said on the more nsfw side he'd really really enjoy if you were inexperienced or at least less than him. If he finds out he's your first all the blood drains from his brain to get to his dick so fast he nearly blacks out and all higher thinking skills evacuate 💀 you're like the perfect blank canvas for him to play with and knowing no one else has ever made you feel this way turns him on so much he can't even explain. No one could ever make you feel as good as he does anyway.

He'll make you cum on his face and his fingers more times than you can count before he ever actually fucks you cause he doesn't wanna hurt you too much from the stretch but fuck it's hard to hold back when you're whining his name and pulling him closer with your arms messily tossed around his neck, mouthing off randomly abt how much you love him and how good he feels. You'd be lucky to not get knocked up your first time with him the way he fills you up.

He could die happy with you in his lap cockwarming him while he lazily rubs circles on your clit until you're squirming and panting. His fingers feel so much better than yours according to you, and who is he to complain when his pretty little girlfriend wants some attention? He'll get you off if you let him fuck your pretty mouth afterwards. Ari definitely takes his time training your throat so he can eventually fuck it raw whenever he wants. He doesn't wanna hurt you but he'd be lying if he said watching you gag and struggle with it the first few times wasn't hot (you're a pro now for sure as many times as he does this).

As consolation for making your pretty makeup run down your cheeks, he'd pull out of your throat and kiss you on the forehead while praising you over and over. You're so pretty like this :(((

[hornball-house]

"This is a reward" (Lemon)

This is for all the people who wanted me to write that 39 lemon, you're fucking welcome, pervs

🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

39's POV:

I haven't moved from the couch in a few hours. Everyone is busy & I'm just sat here by myself. As of late, I've been feeling hornier then I normally do & I have no idea why. I sigh in boredom & just flop down onto my side, since it's the only thing I can do right now. A few seconds later, I grab one of the pillows behind me & just hug it close to my chest & some of my face. That was when......things started acting up again.

"Hmm......" All I could let out was a small groan. I feel slightly embarrassed getting like this right out in the open like some loser. But, at the same time, it just gets me even more excited if someone might see me. I think this might be from muscle memory because my hand starts to slighter down to my package but not down into my jeans, & starts scratching it. My face squishes into the pillow I'm hugging & all I can bring myself to let out are faint mutters. I try so hard to hold back & not let it out, but sometimes my hands just have a mind of their own. & for whatever reason, the same girl just shows up in my head every time. The exact same girl who almost gives me a bloody heart attack when she comes in to tell me something.

"Hey, 39!"

I immediately stop what I was doing & jerk up, throwing the pillow off me in the process. "Uhhh! H-hey, Zoey! You need anything?" I say, trying to act cool & forget what I was doing just a second ago. "No, I just wanted to let you know I'm gonna be out for a bit. Just kinda in the mood to treat myself, y'know?" Zoey says as chipper as she always is. "'Treat myself.....'" I think in the back of my head. "Oh sure, that's cool. Guess you've been focusing on Dorky & worrying about her so much that you just kinda need a break, huh?" I say. "Yeah, I guess that's one way of putting it. I'll be back in maybe an hour or two. See you soon!" Zoey calls out as she walks out waving to me. I wave back with a smirk as the sound of the door closing is heard. After realizing she's gone, I hang my head over my legs & hold my face in my hands, embarrassed as all hell.

"Goddammit! Why do I always have to do this??? I'm such a disgusting bastard!"

I curse out loud, wanting to punch myself in the nose right now. My best friend for three years, the same girl that saved me back in the old studio & gave me a home, my friends back, a new life, & a sense of hope that things would be okay, shows up in my head whenever I'm having a wank. Fucking shameful! Well, at least I held it together. That was when I realized my boxers started feeling a little......."damp", to put it lightly. Once I realized it, I slap my hands to my dick & I turn bright blue instantly. "Okay, I'm taking this to the bathroom." I say as I dart up from the couch & head to the downstairs bathroom.

--------------

(Meanwhile, in the bathroom...)

--------------

39's POV:

I did this enough times to learn to lock the door behind me so as soon as I head in, I lock the door & sit on the toilet. "Uuuuugh....I hate my life." I groan to myself. I'm a little scared to see the damage, but I start to undo the button on my trousers & pull them off a bit, but not down to my ankles & maybe just stopping at my knees. I do the same thing to my undergarments shortly after.

I get teased alot about me having a small dick since "the shorter the temper, the smaller the penis" or some bullshit like that. I can't even begin to tell you how many times 75 has done that with me. Funny thing is, I in truth have a pretty big one. Ask Tammy, she's seen it before so she can defend me on it.

"Auugh, man. What am I gonna do with myself?" I mumble. This was just getting pathetic. I'm a grown 20 year old, hiding in the bathroom while sitting on the toilet, my trousers & boxers down on my knees as I'm staring down at it. Seeing it all propped up & stiff. I'm pretty sure I saw it twitch a few times, too.

Eventually, my body just has a mind of its own & I take off one of my fingerless gloves & push it in the pocket on my jacket. Then, my hand starts to slither down to it again & starts playing with it & messing with the head, causing me to quietly squeak & whine a bit. When I pull my hand back, a light grey, gooey liquid was on my hand & a little bit of my fingers, dripping off & onto the tile. It had a slight oil smell but the same feeling & texture as the typical jizz you're familiar with. Because, in my animatronic form, that's what it was & looked like to me.

"Oh, wow. Just look at me." I quietly chuckle to myself. I stare at my hand for a couple seconds before bringing it closer to me. Curiosity gets the best of me as I sniff my hand a bit. Still had that oil smell to it. A part of me kinda wanted to lick it for no reason even though it had fucking oil mixed into it. & I was about to before I snapped myself out of it. "Ugh, what the fuck are ya doing right now?! Get your mind out of the fucking gutter for once in your life, 39!" I scream to myself, violently flailing my hand around shaking the light grey off. At this point, I was a glasses wearing teal bunny stuck between a rock in a hard place. It was almost as if an angel & devil appeared on my shoulders trying to make me take one of their sides on what to do.

"Aww, what's the matter mate? You're not going soft, are you? Since your friend down there clearly isn't. You're the only one here, & you got the door locked, so just go for it since you're already so bricked up & horny! No one's gonna care!" The little devil snarled at me, as cocky & dirty as he can be.

"Are you insane?! You can't masturbate all the time, it's not good for you! It's going to fall off, at this rate! Just clean yourself up & head back out to do something for a few hours." The little angel said to me in a disappointed tone of voice.

I just sat there, in a conflicted, blue-faced, sweaty, already sticky mess. I kept looking down at it & a few seconds later, I make a decision. ".......I might as well just get it out of the way before Zoey gets back." I sigh to myself as I hear the devil laugh in triumph & the angel groan in defeat by my answer. I didn't really care anymore, though, since I said to myself.....

"This is a reward for holding it in as well as I did out there."

Before I knew it, my hand grabs my member & starts going for it, rubbing & stroking it. It starts off slow, but does get a little faster. I'm already making alot of quiet noises the more I rub it, that just grabbing it is making me dizzy & my brain shut down.

I tend to hold my orgasms & climaxes in until I physically can't anymore, so when they finally happen, my orgasms are extremely intense & I'm gushing out nothing but light grey fluids for God only knows how long. Let's just say that post-nut clarity really puts me out of it for a while.

Just as I pick up the pace a bit more, I get that image of her in my head again. Only this time, I start to mumble her name but quickly stop myself before I can fully get it out as I slap my other hand to my mouth. I'd never forgive myself if I yelled Zoey's name while I was going at it. I'm so sorry you're friends with a disgusting scumbag like me, Zoey! After coming back to my senses a bit, I lower my hand from my mouth & tightly grip my shirt as I start going a little faster with my other hand. It doesn't take long for my breathing to get quicker & more rapid.

"Uugh.....haah.......Fuck.....I-I gotta be quiet.....People can still- Ahh~! Hear me outside....." I manage to breathe out. I got dark grey oil tears in my eyes for trying to keep them in, or at least try to be quiet.

Me sitting in the bathroom already shaking & panting, moving my hand carefully knowing that someone might hear me. Even though no one could get in, I still don't know how to feel about someone hearing me. But, then again, these are the people I've known for years, even long before I became an animatronic, so they probably heard me masturbate at least once or twice. & yet the thought of someone hearing me......just makes me go faster & I start getting a little louder. My brain stopped working, at this point. Now I don't give a fuck on what happens next. I hold in all the orgasms I can, cuz I hitch my breath every time I do. I don't remember how many I held in but I'm pretty sure it was about four, maybe five of them. I don't tend to count, though, I just kinda guestimate.

I must've done something or hit a certain spot on it because the quiet moaning I was trying to keep down in my throat quickly got louder & louder before it eventually turned into a screaming holler. I don't remember the last time I moaned this loud in all my life, it's honestly a miracle no one heard me.

By this point, I was just a puddle. My back is all stiff, all the strength moves down to my legs & feet, my entire body is on fire, my bun ears are drooped down & my tail is rapidly wiggling, I'm sweating bullets head to toe, my head gets thrown back uncontrollably, & I'm just there screaming & moaning my lungs out.

I'm already leaking & dripping. My hand is all dirty again, but it doesn't matter. I'm already about to pop & I even did a little bit twice & maybe even three times, but they were so little I barely even noticed them. It wasn't until the big one happened that really made me all foggy in the head. I was vibrating at this point, I knew I had to stop but I didn't want to. Until...

"AAAAAAAAHHH~~~~!!!" 💙💙💙💙💙

Yep. I basically blew up when I finally came officially. Afterwards, I was panting heavily, & had tears in my eyes again. I shiver a little bit since I suddenly went cold when I was done. Heaving & panting still, I look down at my hand to see sweat & my animatronic fluids on it & the rest being on the bathroom tile. I pull my hand back from my friend, only to have a string of jizz connecting them together. Not even bothering to clean it up right now, I let it fall to the side of the toilet I was sitting on & rest my head on the back of it, breathing heavily in an exhausted state as my eyes are shut but I can tell I'm looking up to the ceiling, occasionally feeling a little twitch on my legs. I guess I'm more of a pervert then I thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Timeskip~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zoey's POV:

"Hey, 39! I'm back!"

I call out to 39 as I re-enter my house, in a great mood. I walk to the couch & I see him there yet again, only this time he acted a little different. "Hey, you. Have you been there the whole time I was gone?" I teasingly ask him. He stayed quiet & didn't say anything. The only thing he did to respond to my question is shake his head. This got me a little worried. "You okay, buddy?" I ask him. He nods & tiredly smiles at me. Then, he just ruffles my hair with his hand like he always does, reassuring me he's okay. He looked like he was about to pass out, so I assumed he was gonna take a nap & just leave him there, rubbing his arm a bit before I go. "Well, okay. Just let me know if you need anything." I say as I smile warmly at him & make my way to the bathroom to pee.

When I get there, I close the door behind me & sit down, sighing at the satisfying & fun time I had earlier. Everything looked normal, but then I notice a small trickle of something light grey on the side from me. I didn't know what it was for a second, but the thought quickly came to me on what happened & my face suddenly went hot & went from pale to as red as my hair. Guess that also gave me an idea on why 39 suddenly looked so exhausted & didn't speak when I came back, either. After a while, I just hold my head in one of my hands while my face is all red with embarrassment.

".......For God sake, 39, you naughty bunny. Didn't even clean it up, either."

[lysol1201]

😊Obey Me Brothers as Luke Hemmings songs and Why I'm Right😊

This is all including shit from Luke Hemming's album "When Facing The Things We Turn Away From" which you should listen to because it's beautiful and amazin, thank you xx

will say this does include some like deeper thinking, unsure if there is anything that I should mark as triggering here, lemme know if there is anything i should leave warnings for.

slight spoilers in Belphie's for the anime season 1 as well as lesson 16, but I will mark it when it gets there <33

++++

🔥Lucifer🔥

Starting Line by Luke Hemmings

"I wake up every morning with the years ticking by I'm missing all these memories, maybe they were never mine I feel the walls are closing I'm running out of the time I think I missed the gun at the starting line"

I want you to look me straight in the eyes and tell me this man isn't damaged from having to be the "parent" of his brothers, I'll wait. Kidding, you can't. I cannot stress this enough: He had to take place as the father figure after they were all disowned by their own. This bitch wakes up every morning knowing he can't really just be a fucken dude anymore this man a single father over 5 fallen angels and some demon that never asked for this shit. He walked into this with 0 warning and it all happened so fast he doesn't even know how he got there. This bitch went out to buy clothes and found himself at the soup store, fr.

💵Mammon💵

Place In Me by Luke Hemmings

"Call me in the morning Yeah, I'm sorry that I let you down I'm so apathetic, it's pathetic But I need you now."

Bestie doesn't know how to use his emotions probably, so he be a bitch instead ❤ Typical tsundere vibes but also same, can relate. Unfortunately, I am writing this in a stance of this is how I usually am and Mammon is basically the same, awks. Anyway, basically this dude kinda meanie or acts like he has no emotions to mask the fact that they're actually pretty strong. So instead he finds himself doing stupid or dumb things that can probably be seen as rude and as pushing someone away. In reality, he just kinda wants them in his arms to make him feel better. He feels bad every time he hurts them or lets them down so he just wants to say sorry because he needs them most to not only keep him together emotionally but keep his shit together physically before he gets the shit beat outta him for being a stupid ass bitch again.

👾Leviathan👾

Motion by Luke Hemmings

"With every sundown, I feel alone These hands are strangers, they ain’t my own My eyes are lying, my eyes are lying to me With every comedown, nowhere to go This simple silence is all I know You know I'm trying, you know I'm trying to leave"

This song is literally about not trusting your own thoughts and not believing the voices in your head, if that isn't self explanatory of Leviathan then idk what is. N e wayz, to explain, bestie has no faith or bellief in himself of being a decent person who can deserve love and who can be a first choice. Even if his brain were to go "yeah, I deserve MC" he would auto shut it down to "haha SIKE" and run away. He's trying, but it doesn't stop him from feeling alone. Bestie, you need help my beloved ❣

🐱Satan🐱

Mum by Luke Hemmings

"I'm so heavy Jump into my ocean Can’t you see me sinking? Love the fear of falling Don't you know I'm too young? Can't you hear me calling you? Nothing hurts me now"

First off: Mans don't got a mom, his mom is Lucifer but that's an awkward topic that makes as much sense as the Once Upon A Time family tree. N e wayz, song is basically like getting thrown into something big at a young age and kind of losing yourself. Mans got thrown into this world as a straight up grown ass fucken adult and told "you're a demon, these are your brothers, you only exist cuz this dude got mad" and had to just kinda live with it. Like yep, this is my life now and I just have to accept that. Despite being popped out as an adult, he still had to be "raised" but due to the complication he kinda got thrown into shit his baby ass newborn ass wasn't ready for which didn't help the fact that he is the literal embodiment of wrath. Over time though he learns how to cope with it and understand it, even if he didn't do the greatest of things to get there. "Nothing hurts me now" cuz he kinda went through it all already. In conclusion: angy man baby.

💋Asmodeus💋

Diamonds by Luke Hemmings

"Cut like diamonds and sink like stones Starve myself 'til I'm skin and bones I'm so much older than I ever thought I would be Hold the silence and don't let go I hurt the people I love the most I'm so much colder than I ever wanted to be"

He might be lustful and romantic but that doesn't make him the most "ideal" significant other. He kinda comes and goes with relationships, I'm p sure in one of the early chapters you meet like an ex of his in a painting and he kinda ruined her life but he was too into himself to care so like oops besties loooooooooool and he probably never wanted to be that cold, especially with being born as an angel. He strives for this perfection and beauty where the narcissism of it all clouds over how it affects others. That doesn't mean he isn't beautiful in his own way though. I mean diamonds are formed out of pressure, and he definitely was.

🍔Beelzebub🍔

Bloodline by Luke Hemmings

"Oh, there ain't no warning the first time Ain't no one to tell you "Run, boy, run Like I should've done" And oh, when I can't fight the bloodline Living in the seams back home Oh, no"

Ayo, no warning for the Celestial War, no one to tell him to run (even though he obvs wouldn't have brother of the year award goes to this super trooper) and lmao fighting the bloodline like legit, fuck daddy dearest. This song is about fighting addiction and thinking maybe it's just genetics, but in this case I'm taking it as his addiction being his family and he was going to fight the bloodline/"genetics" to fix it. And almost like it isn't genetics that make them brothers but he's still down bad (in la familia sense) for his brothers (and sister) he boutta fight a bitch. He went through a lot of fighting and scars and stuff for moments that probably weren't as significant to him until it was gone (like losing his sister). But y'know what this bitch would do if he had the option to go back in time? He'd do that shit again, you fucking GO bestie.

Bonus Lyrics: "If I knew from the start, would it change a thing?"

Answer: no it wouldn't this bitch would still be addicted to his family and fight for them bitches best brother of thE YEAR AWARD

💤Belphegor💤

Saigon by Luke Hemmings

"When facing the things we turn away from We're chasing the way we were in Saigon Oh, it's picked apart until there's nothing left of us to carry on Now we're facing the things we turn away from"

WARNING this does has some discussion with episode 10 and 11 in the Anime and somewhat lesson 16, I'm unsure if I should spoiler that or not but just in case here's that!

HA you thought I was gonna choose Beautiful Dream? You're WRONG.

Oi, okay, so mans wants to bring up the elephant in the room just like how it was in the anime. This bitch killed his brothers human so like lmao AWKS and then obviously after coming back after being gone for so long and learning that he was actually just locked in the attic the whole time, things were just, as previously stated, awks. Everyone wanted to turn away from the whole ordeal and how they were treating him differently becuase of it. This man wanted to face the things they turned away from, being him, and chase the way they were at the Hot Springs, as one big ass happy family mother fuckers. He didn't want them to turn away from him anymore, to be picked apart until there was nothing left of them anymore. So, he confronted them and faced the things they were turning away from to retrieve back that happy family bonding feeling like the way they felt the first time they were at the Hot Springs. 

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret - Chapter 1

A/N- So first of all, extremely mature themes, strictly 18+ only This is my baby, I love it and I'm so excited for it but oh my lord! My poor heart writing this. This is going to be a super angsty series. Since I got the idea I've been desperate to get it written, even though it's going to break my heart. The dynamics of it have been driving me insane because I want the first chapter to have a air of mystery to it but then how do I tag it without giving it away? 😩 So I've purposefully left out names in this chapter so you don't know who's who and all will be revealed in good time. Can you work out what's happening? I'd love to hear your thoughts ❤️

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter destruction.

Word count- 2,197

Warnings- Mature themes, swearing, smut, angst, deceit, lies

18+ only!

Taglist-: @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke

Posted: 25th Feb 2021

"Babe, don't hate me... I have to go out of town for another conference this weekend" The deep confliction you feel everytime you do this to your boyfriend, never gets any easier.

"I don't hate you, we'll make up for it next week. How about a little romantic trip, just the two of us" he says sweetly, making your heart tug, you wish he was a bad guy it would make this a lot easier.

"That sounds like a great plan, I'll make it up to you tonight" you say, distracted by your thoughts.

"Well that sounds... Intriguing. I'll see you tonight babe" he hung up the phone but you kept it to your ear, still deep in thought before finally realising and putting the phone on the desk next to your computer.

You finished typing up the letter you were working on before the phone call, looking back and forth from your phone to the screen of your computer, still distracted by your thoughts. The butterflies in your stomach making you feel sick. You gave in and grabbed your phone, typing out a text quickly.

-I've told him. Pick me up from work at 5.30 Friday - you stop typing to think for a minute, before finishing the text with two kisses - xx

You try to get your head back into work, the neverending pile of deadlines building up on your desk next to you. When your phone vibrates the desk loudly, you look around to make sure no one's watching you before giving in to your curiosity and picking up your phone.

-Great, see you Friday. I can't wait to see you xxx

You try to feel excited but the overwhelming amount of guilt you feel always overrides that. You wish it could be different, that you could've met in a different way. That you could actually thoroughly enjoy the time you have together rather than feeling a deep shamefulness everytime you meet.

You've got yourself into something so deep that you can't think of a way out of it, either way it ends somebody is going to be hurt. In fact, one way or the other, you're all going to be hurt.

                             *******************

"Hey babe, did you have a good day?" Your boyfriend greets you as you walk into the kitchen, filled with the aromas of the food he was cooking for you.

"It was ok, busy. This smells amazing. What you making?" You ask, kissing him on the cheek as he stands over the stove, stirring a pot of delicious smelling liquid.

"I'm just making a sauce for the pasta" he says letting go of his wooden spoon and grabbing you by the hand to spin you around and face him. 

"Did you bring dessert?" He says into your ear, moving your hair to the side and planting kisses down your neck.

"What no, was I supposed to?" You couldn't remember him saying anything about dessert, yet you'd been pretty distracted most of the day.

"I'm sure you said something about making it up to me tonight?" He smirks, pulling you in for a lingering open mouthed kiss.

"Oh, yeah. That kind of dessert" you say, pulling away slightly.

"Are you ok? You seem kinda ... Distracted" he asks, a look of concern on his face as you shuffle though the papers in your bag.

"No, sorry babe. It's just work, I've had a lot on my mind today" you lie, sort of. You had a lot on your mind it just wasn't work related, even though you wish it was.

As you put the papers back into your bag you can feel your phone vibrating. Fuck sake, not now. Becoming flustered you accidentally drop the bag onto the glass table, nearly jumping out of your skin from the loud noise your phone made as it hit the glass. 

You notice your hands shaking as you hold your phone in front of you, cursing yourself under your breath for being so pathetic. Reading the text has your heart beating at an unbelievable pace, making you light headed and dizzy. 

-Can you meet me tonight? I hate this, I hate not being able to see you whenever I like. Please Y/N xxx

You pull out a chair and sit down before you fall down, why do you have to be pulled about in so many different directions? It was so hard leading a double life and keeping your dirty little secret, it literally ate away at your soul. You were a shell of the person you used to be, completely consumed with lies and deceit.

Sleepless nights, tossing and turning caused by guilt and work schedules and then still having to sneak away whenever you could. You lost yourself, trying to keep two people happy while completely forgetting about yourself.

"Babe?" 

"Huh?" You say looking up from your phone, you hadn't realised he'd been speaking to you.

"I said, red or white? He asks, furrowing his brow at you.

"Sorry, what?" You look confused, shaking your head as if to shake the thoughts right out of there. You have no idea what he's talking about.

"Wine? Foods ready. Do you want red or white... wine?" Looking more concerned.

"Oh, white please. Thank you, this looks amazing" you say, putting your phone into your shirt pocket and tucking your chair under the table, ready to get started. It really did look amazing, you don't deserve him. 

You watched him sit down opposite you, his ridiculously blue eyes catching yours as his fork passes to his lips. He smiles that sweet smile at you, the one that made you fall in love with him all those years ago. The memories of the years flash in front of your eyes in an instant, the first time he told you he loved you, the first kiss, the first time you made love, beautiful, beautiful memories. You can feel a tear prickling at the corner of your eye, lowering your head, hoping he didn't see. 

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asks, reaching across the table to hold your hand in his. The feel of his touch on your hand sends shivers down your spine and the tears spill from your eyes without warning. You hear his chair screech as he pushes it backwards and rushes to your side.

"Babe, please tell me what's wrong?" He kneels In front of you while you rest your head in your hands, completely overwhelmed with guilt. This poor man, my man, how could I do this to him?

"Don't be nice to me, I don't deserve it" you say, self-loathing.

"What are you talking about? Come here" he pulls you up and sits down with you on his lap, lifting your face to look at him which makes you cry even more. 

"I've been so distant with you, so consumed in my damn work that I've been totally neglecting you - " you cry, looking up at him sincerely, tears streaming down your face messily " - I'm so sorry" if only he knew how sorry you actually were. You loved him, he was your first everything, which makes it even harder for you.

"Hey don't be so silly. I'm a big boy, I think I can handle you being a little distracted, it just means when we do get time together it's more special. You've put up with so much from me, with the tabloids and papparzzi. You took it all on when we were still so young and never complained once, this is nothing compared to that" he wipes the tears away from your cheeks. Oh baby, please don't blame yourself.

"I would do it all over again, you know? It was worth it, I'd never change it. You're my childhood sweetheart, we've grown up together and I... I" you're balling like a baby now.

"Shh, baby. Please don't worry about it. You need a break, you've been working way too hard" if only he knew.

He nudges the side of your face with his soft bearded cheek until you give in and look up at him. The tears are also starting to well in his eyes and he smiles at you, at how silly and emotional you're both being. You suck it up and wipe the tears away with your arm.

"Come on, I've got some making up to do" you say, leading him to the bedroom. Your phone begins to vibrate in your pocket - an incoming call. You reach in and hold down the off button, you'll deal with that later.

He stops you before you make it to the bedroom and pushes you hastily against the wall, unable to wait much longer. His hands feel their way down your body until he reaches the hem of your skirt and pushes it up to your stomach, revealing your lacey panties. Your breath hitches as he pushes himself against you, the feel of his hard cock against your exposed panties makes you forget everything else for a moment. 

"I love you so fucking much" he says against your lips, biting gently on your bottom one while his hands run up and down your body. You reach down to unbutton his jeans, it's all very rushed and desperate, you need to feel each other, feel the love you have for each other. You need to show him, a painful desire that burns in your chest to show him that you love him.

So you push him backwards towards the bedroom door, your hands still working his jeans as your lips lock, never pulling apart.

Shoving him slightly too hard back onto your super-king bed in the middle of the room, you waste no time straddling him. He reaches up to unbutton your shirt, thrusting into you as he does so, the need so bad it hurt. You stopped his fingers fiddling with your button midway down your torso so you could pull off his jeans and boxers, while he props himself up on the bed with his elbows. Watching intently as you take control.

You kneel between his thighs, smoothing your hands down those thick muscles. Waiting for him to position himself at the end of the bed, making sure he has a good view before you run your pierced tongue up the shaft, all the way to the tip. Teasing him, knowing full well how it makes him feel. The ways his head falls back, his mouth hung open and the sounds falling from his lips, stir something deep inside you. It makes you feel hot to know you're turning him on this much.

Circling your pointy tongue around the tip, a sultry stare straight into his eyes makes him groan. You take his tip into your mouth, swallowing the drop of precum, licking your lips for him. Sucking on his cock, feeling it throbbing in your mouth, growing impossibly harder.

You can tell he can't handle it anymore when he pulls you onto him so you're sitting on his cock, your walls stretching around him making you both suck in air at the sensitivity. He leans back up to finish unbuttoning your shirt while thrusting his big cock, deep within you. Finally getting your shirt off, he grips his fingers into your ass cheeks, squeezing them as he sits up. Bouncing up and down on his dick, while you stare into each others eyes, the intimacy overwhelming you. Lost in the moment for a precious amount of time, feeling the sensation of your loves cock filling you up beyond limits.

You pull his shirt over his head, revealing his beautifully, tanned body. Holding on tightly to you while he pushes himself up the bed so he can lean his back against the headboard. Watching your tits move as you bounce on his cock, thrusting into you with his jaw clenched. You know that look, the way he's desperately trying not to come too quickly.

Both of your breathes are getting faster as you bounce harder, the gripping sensation rises through you.

"I love you" you say between breaths, leaning down to say it into his ear. 

"Fuck - " he groans, pulling out of you quickly before he come, your rising orgasm fading away. 

" - fuck Sorry, babe. That was too fucking much" He rolls you over underneath him and quickly positions himself back at your entrance, easing in painfully slowly.

Now thrusting into you at an unforgivable pace, making you gasp everytime he slammed into you. Pushing your knees back towards your face and settling himself between them, holding your head with both hands and gazing into your eyes. He's ready, you're ready, you can feel it rising as he rolls his hips into you. The look of love in his eyes making you feel emotional, he's panting and you're moaning as he lets go and pumps into you making you lose it and scream out as you gush everywhere. Holding onto the sheets, tightly, as you wait for your toes to uncurl, still inside of you he lays on your stomach trying to catch his breath. Your muscles cramp up and shake making you wince as you try to move out from underneath him

"Are you ok?" His head snaps up, concerned.

"Yeah, just cramp" you whine, stretching out your legs when he rolls to your side.

"I really do love you" you say moving into his arms.

"I know you do. I love you too" he says kissing the top of your head. You're brought back to reality when you hear your phone vibrating again on the floor, in the pocket of your shirt. 

"You're popular tonight" he says noticing the sound of your phone as it vibrates the floorboards.

"It's just work, it can wait until tomorrow" you say, content being in his arms for a little longer and forgetting that anything or anyone else exists. Even if it is only for a moment.

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 3/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia

2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the

back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed

issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not. Tags: rpdr fanfiction // s10 // as5 // miz cracker // jujubee // blair st clair // blair x cracker // denali foxx // rose // fluff // coming of age // hurt/comfort // lesbian au // highschool au // grinder // tw grief // tw homophobia [Cover image here] AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia [read more] 2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me

closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as

friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not.

[bmongmong]

Chapter 3 - New Emotions

Blue pill or red pill - Jungkook

Description: You're a young girl, who's a little bit introverted and afraid to be under everybody's eyes. You only have your best friend, but it's ok for you. You don't want to be popular and believe in minimal things. One day you meet a guy. Or two?

Jungkook x Reader

The imagines I used are not mine Credit to the owners

Y/n pov

Another week has passed and it seems like me, Rosé and Jungkook have become a great trio.

As I walk towards school I receive a message from Rosé:

Rosé:

Y/n sorry but today I won't come to school. I feel very sick ���

That's ok I guess. If she's ill, she needs some rest and-WHAT?! OH MY GOD, I'LL BE ALONE!! WHO'S GOING TO PROTECT ME?! I BET EVERYONE WILL LOOK AT ME. WHAT IF THOSE BULLIES COME TO ME BECAUSE SHE'S NOT WITH ME?! Ok y/n. You have to calm down.

I feel my heart pounding very fast and the palms of my hands sweating. This weird sensation is pervading all parts of my body. From my feet to my head. I feel my legs strangely weak, but somehow I can walk without any problems.

I find myself at the entrance of my class. I take a deep breath, but I cannot move. I just want to run away from here. I feel really pathetic right now. I'm all grown up and I can't even go to school by myself, without my friend. Then...

"Are you going to go in or stay here all day?" I turn around and it's Jungwook.

I don't answer, I just look away and try to find an excuse, but it seems like my lips are sewn. Nothing comes out, a part form little indescribable noises.

"Move" he says scoffing and entering the class.

I just stand there, embarrassed of what just happened. I'm still not used to people talking to me, except if it's Rosé or Jungkook. That's right. The good twin. We talk a lot actually and I feel comfortable around him. Of course, there are still lots of things that we both don't know about each other, but I think that now, I can really consider him a friend of mine.

As I'm thinking about the people I know, still on the edge of the door, I hear a voice speaking to me:

"Y/n don't pay attention to him" it's Jungkook. For some reasons I feel calm now. My legs are no longer shaking and my mind is free from bad thoughts. He then continues:

"Come on, let's go inside together!" as he smiles, he grabs my hand and drags me inside. At that very moment, I felt like I died for a couple of seconds and then I resurrected. But then I realize that it was just my heart skipping a beat, or maybe two or three.

Now I'm seated at my spot, still thinking about the two Jeons. Wow, they're really different. The kind one, Jungkook, can make my heart flutter with just a single move, while the other one, Jungwook, is just a bully. As I find myself drawing on the desk, still thinking about those two boys, I hear a voice talking to me. To my surprise is Jimin:

"Y/n. Since today Rosé won't come at school, why don't you stay with us?" as he invites me, I see his hands pointing at him and the two brothers. I nod in response and I see Jungkook smiling. I guess it's not going to be that bad, but wait. How does he know about Rosé?

"Umh...Jimin...sorry for bothering" I say at a very low voice "How do you know about Rosé?"

"Oh didn't she tell you?" he asks surprised and I shake my head. Then I see him blushing a bit and smiling "she texted me this morning. She said, she didn't feel well. And she asked me to take care of you"

My heart melts. Rosé. I really can do noting without you. I feel my eyes a bit teary, thinking about her love towards me. She's like a second mum to me.

In order to not leave me alone, Jungkook sat beside me, at Rosé's spot. I honestly felt a bit better. During the lesson me and him would write on the desk to have some fun. He then helped me with a math problem I couldn't solve. As he leaned close to me, I felt my heart popping out of my chest. His face was so close and once he noticed he quickly turned away blushing.

During other classes I kept scolding myself. Too much is happening in my life. But as I think about Jungkook I start smiling. As much as I want to be emotionless, I really like the feeling when I'm close to him. I guess I'll just allow this new emotion. But what type of feeling is this? Friendship? I honestly don't know, but for sure I know it's not the same emotion I feel when I'm with Rosé.

By now I've known Jungkook for a couple of weeks, or maybe three.

I think I'm too strict to myself.

As another lesson ends I can see Jungwook walking towards us and talking:

"Can you two stop being all lovely dovely? It's honestly annoying"

Me and Jungkook look at each other and start blushing. Then the kind guy next to me talks back to his brother:

"We're not...like...just stop it Jungwook" I feel him nervous. He's kinda transmitting me his anxiety.

As I look at the two twins, I notice their little diversities. For example, Jungkook has a little spot under his lower lip, and I actually find this cute. Then I notice that he also has pretty long hair. Not as long as Jungwook's, but they're pretty long too. Regard the bad guy, I notice the many tattoos on his arm. They're so many!! But it's kinda attractive. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING Y/N?! SERIOUSLY STOP!!

As I'm internally debating with myself, Jungwook gets closer to my face. He's just a few inches away from me. WHAT IS HE DOING? I'm seriously about to explode. I'm feeling too many emotions. My body doesn't know how to react to this. It's actually a mix of excitement and anxiety.

"Stop acting so innocent y/n" the bad boy says as he stares into my eyes. Honestly, his gaze is so piercing. I feel like he can see my soul sailing inside my body.

Now I can hear all my classmates whispering. Jungkook notices how uncomfortable I look and he pushes away his brother saying:

"Leave her alone" he's not nervous. He rather seems calm and serious.

As the gangster walks away, I notice a group of girls looking at me. I know Jungwook is pretty famous, but I didn't expect such reactions.

"Y/n just ignore that" I hear Jimin saying as he handles me a bottle of fresh water. "Calm down, I'll talk to him later"

I guess Rosé told Jimin that I'm easily conditioned. I'm talking about my emotions. Now I feel nervous, I'm afraid Jimin will tell everybody about this.

"Don't worry y/n" this one says "I won't tell anybody" he says winking at me.

I blush a little and look away. He then continues:

"But I need to ask you a favour"

"What is it Jimin?" I ask curious, still flustered, due to what happened.

"Rosé. Convince her to go out with me"

I just nod and he leaves. So I was right!! Jimin has feelings for her! Yess, I'm so happy. Wow my mood is like a roller coaster. At first I feel nervous and scared, then right after I feel very happy. So many mood swings.

Then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I flinch a bit, not expecting this type of skin ship, and turn around to face Jungkook, who's now talking to me:

"Y/n are you alright?" he asks. I can see that he's trying to look calm, but he's actually nervous.

"Yes, I think. Thank you Jungkook....for saving me earlier ahah..." I say a bit awkward.

"Don't worry. Even though he's tough, I know him really well and I know how to handle this type of situations" he seems a bit sad as he says this. "Do you need something?"

"O-Oh don't worry, I'll just go and get some fresh hair" I say and quickly stand up, leaving the room.

Now I'm walking down the empty hallway and stop at some point, leaning on the wall. I need some support since I feel my whole body trembling and shaking. As I turn around I see those girls that were looking at me earlier.

"So you're y/n? never heard of you" one of them says as the others start laughing at her lame joke. I'm just embarrassed and look down. I mean, that's what I wanted, not to be known. As I play with my fingernails due to nervousness, I feel one of those girls, grabbing my hair and making me fall on the ground. I put my hand in my hair to prevent her from pulling my hair even more, but she's really strong and eventually ends up pulling them a lot.

"How pathetic!" she says scoffing "I feel pity for you" and they start laughing.

I'm about to cry. I feel alone and helpless. I feel like I'm about to throw up all of my emotions. They're too many. And too heavy to handle. I feel my heart breaking into pieces as they keep making fun of me and pulling my hair. That's it. The end of a movie, where the main character gets beaten up and ends up dying alone. That's what I thought, until...

"Leave her alone" it's a male voice. He seems bossy and steady.

"Jungwook. What are you doing here?" one of those girls asks him "we just wanted to make sure she would never disturb you again. We saw what happened earlier"

"How many times do I have to tell you girls, that I will never date one of you? Now leave her alone and go away. And if I see you bothering her again, something bad will happen" he says threatening. Wow, he' really scary.

As I see those girls going away, I look up and see Jungwook looking at me from above.

His body looks so good. He has really long and muscular legs and wide shoulders. I see his black belt hugging his tiny waist and his tattoos moving in sync with his muscles as he cracks his fingers.

"Stand up" he orders me.

I'm so scared right now. I feel like I could die, if I don't listen to this man. I quickly stand up facing him, but my eyes are looking away.

"Look at me" he says.

I just widen my eyes and tense up my body. I'm sweating again, I can feel the heat invading my body. He then repeats himself and I obey. As I look at him I feel kinda hypnotized. Like if my life was an actual movie and I'm just an actress, who's acting.

He gets closer to my face and asks me:

"Did they hurt you?"

I look away and shake my head. I'm too embarrassed to look at him, but he grabs my chin with his fingers and turns my head to his. I feel my heart in my throat and I can hear every beat. My breath gets heavy and I feel a drop of sweat slowly going down from my neck to my chest. It goes really slow and it actually gives me thrills.

I see him scoffing and asking at a really low voice:

"Why you?"

Is he referring to me? Did I do or say something wrong? Am I going to die?

I see him getting closer and closer and I instinctively shout my eyes. But then I hear Jimin:

"Y/n are you ok? We heard some noises so we came to check"

What is he doing here? And he's with Jungkook!!

As the boy that's holding my chin hears Jimin and Jungkook arriving, he lets go of me and steps away snorting. I'm actually relieved that nothing happened. I couldn't stand another scandal. Then I hear Jungkook voice:

"Y/n! Did he hurt you?" he says concerned.

"No, not at all. He actually helped me..."

As I finish explaining them what happened, I see Jungkook's face changing expression. He looks disappointed. Don't know why.

As we go back to the classroom, I feel a mix of emotions, but I cannot distinguish them. It feels so strange. I try to feel sad, but I can't. Then I try to feel angry, but the anger doesn't come out. It's really really weird.

Now that all classes ended, I stand up and make my way to leave the room, but I hear Jungkook voice from behind calling my name:

"Y/n!" he says. I can feel the tension building up. "I-I wondered if I-I could walk you home..." he says rubbing the back of his head.

My head feels peace after that question. I know I can go home safely with him. I nod and smile brightly and I see his face lighting up.

As we walk down the street I see him a bit nervous. I'm too shy to ask if there's something wrong. But I guess that's what good friends do, so I decide to question him. But before I could say something, he speaks:

"Y/n...do you like him?" I see him blushing.

"Umh? Who?" I'm a bit confused. Who is he talking about?

"My brother..." he says almost whispering.

"WHAT?! Of course no!! I'm just grateful that he helped me earlier, but there's nothing more!" I shout instinctively and nervously.

I see his face muscles relaxing and his big smile appears.

"Good to know"

That smile makes me blush so hard, that I have to look away so that he doesn't see my red face. But I guess he noticed it anyway as I can hear him giggle.

Now we're in front of my house.

"Goodbye Jungkook! Thanks for taking me home. See you tomorrow!" I say turning around, but before I could walk away he grabs my wrist and I freeze.

"Y/n..." he says with his calm voice. I don't turn around. I just can't move my body. I feel his hand tightening the grip on my wrist and in just a blink I feel Jungkook back hugging me.

After a couple of seconds he lets go and I hear him stuttering:

"I-I'm sorry y-y/n! I-I didn't m-mean to..." as he says so I turn around as see him looking at the ground. It doesn't look like he's regretting his decision. I think he's daydreaming right now, like he's here in front of me, but his mind is on another dimension.

He's actually handsome. I don't know what I'm doing, but I think I'm looking at him under another prospective. Not as my classmate. Nether as my friend. Could it be...? No way, I'm not that type of girl that dreams these sort of things.

I just want to nod and get inside, but instead I say:

"Don't worry" and my body starts moving on its own and does something I would have never expected.

I'm hugging him. As I hug him I start to panic inside. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU Y/N?! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING? I HAVE ALREADY ALLOWED MYSELF TO HAVE A NEW FRIEND, BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT ALLOWING THIS!!!

Then I slowly let go and look at him smiling. He seems surprised but he shows me his bunny smile right after. I don't want him to see me flustered and nervous, so I just keep smiling. Then I greet him, still smiling, and go inside. After closing the door behind me, I look through the window and see him going away.

Then my smile disappears and I just...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I scream as loud as I can.

"What's wrong y/n?!" my mum is running to me worried. She keeps asking me and shaking me, but I'm frozen. I have to admit it, that scream helped me. I feel so much lighter now.

As both my mum and dad are shaking me, I smile at the memory of a few moments ago. As I smile I realize. I'm doomed.

[overlord-off-record]

Looking for something to cheer me up. I’m not sure this is it. Anyway, more of that poison series. 3/?

---

In general, Gil had a tendency to avoid official functions. Perhaps he instinctively shunned the social set that once rejected him. Perhaps he truly preferred the company of the lowlifes of Paris. Perhaps he simply lacked the attention span to tolerate any of it. Whatever the case, when Tarvek saw him decorating Colette's arm, his eyebrows rose in a silent question. She smirked at him. Of course she did.

Tarvek watched Gil meander here and there, chatting with professors, with dignitaries, even with the Master of Paris himself. As though he belonged. As though some of these selfsame people had not treated him cruelly in childhood. Gil behaved as though it had never happened, which made Tarvek's chest ache. He watched Gil charm his childhood bullies, who also acted like they had always been friends. That part made Tarvek angry.

So he sulked in silence, trying not to glare when Gil laughed with a man who had once stolen his books, mocked him, called him nothing but Nameless. Well, the Nameless boy had grown into the Master's pet, and everyone knew at least that much. They would never dare bully him now. Gil no longer needed Tarvek.

"You look like you're chewing a mouthful of burnt coffee grounds."

Tarvek glanced at Colette. Of course she had found him. "Isn't he supposed to be yours for the evening?" he said, gesturing toward Gil. "Maybe you could keep him from setting something on fire?"

"We both know that there's no stopping him when he decides a situation needs a little fire."

Tarvek scoffed. "A little?" he said, and Colette laughed.

"Well, maybe more than a little. What about you?" She gave him an arch look. "Don't tell me you came by yourself. How unfashionable!"

"Worse. I've brought my cousin."

"Which one?" A reasonable note of alarm crept into Colette's voice. Tarvek believed that his family ought to alarm most people.

"Seffie," he said with a grin. "She can't have gone far."

Much to her credit, Colette's stare was steady as stone. "You assume I have something to say to her?"

"Oh, of course not."

"Of course not," Colette echoed, utterly lacking conviction. She patted Tarvek on the arm. "Don't pine all evening. It's terrible for the digestion." With that, she drifted away, leaving Tarvek with little else to do.

He watched Gil perhaps a bit too closely, for otherwise he never would have seen what happened. Gil drifted over to a knot of people, where he set his beverage down beside Seffie's. He talked in an animated manner, gesticulating and bouncing on the balls of his feet. Everyone watched him, rapt until he had finished explaining. Seffie sidled closer to him, but Gil evaded neatly when she made a subtle grab for his arm. He picked up Seffie's glass rather than his own, saluted the assembled company with it, and wandered away.

Tarvek watched Colette slip into the cluster of people around Seffie for just a moment before drifting off to talk to someone else. Then his stare returned to Gil, and he frowned.

Gil wobbled. Then he lifted the empty glass in his hand, frowned at it, and tucked it into a potted pyracantha. Tarvek moved to intercept him.

"You idiot," he hissed as he bumped up against Gil's side. "What was in Seffie's glass?"

"Dunno…" For a moment, his tone sounded like denial. Then he added, "Thought it was poison."

Tarvek processed this information. Stupid, apparently suicidal Gil stared at him, eyes wide and pupils dilated, making his brain turn in several useless circles before accomplishing any reliable thought. Who had attempted to drug Seffie? To what end? Why had Gil caught it instead of Varpa? Frowning, Tarvek glanced around. Where was Varpa, anyway? "Did you see who did it?"

"Oh, yes." Gil nodded in an odd, liquid way, as though his head might slide off his neck. "Can't give chase. A pity."

"Can you name the culprit?"

"Ummm… no." Gil beamed as though he knew Tarvek found his smile adorable. Dammit.

"Describe him," Tarvek said through his teeth.

Gil tried to gesture and succeeded at a loose flailing motion. "Big ugly sod."

"Oh, for pity's sake," Tarvek complained, when Gil added:

"Kinda seemed to like the color purple."

Oh. Of course. Family business. That still didn't clear up who would have tried to drug Seffie, but Tarvek could assume that he himself may also be a target. And Varpa could be incapacitated somewhere nearby, for all he really knew. Tarvek grimaced. "Come on," he said, trying to steer Gil away from the potted plants. "We need to find Colette. Now."

"Nuh-huh." Gil trundled along, yielding to the pressure of Tarvek's hand on his back. "Colette can catch him."

Probably not, but Tarvek didn't say so. "You're hopeless, you know that? I mean, I get why you'd swap glasses, but why would you actually drink it?"

"Seemed like the thing to do," Gil said with a sudden steadiness that Tarvek found unnerving. Then his steps faltered, and he started to hum softly.

"You're an idiot." Spotting Colette, Tarvek propelled Gil toward her. "And you're going to die of your stupidity one day. Mademoiselle Voltaire, forgive me, but I'm going to have to steal your alleged gentleman."

"Permanently, I hope?" Colette's grin faded when she looked at Gil. "Oh, what is it this time?"

Tarvek kept his expression relaxed, though his tone turned grim. "Drugged." He turned to Gil. "You're certain it's not poison?" Briefly, he made a mental list of the antidotes in his pockets.

"Oh, no, this stuff is weird. Psychotropic? I think that's the right word."

Tarvek let Gil lean against him, but he pointed in accusation. "He drank it on purpose. He thought it was poison. That's not just Mad, that's insane!" But he was getting off topic. "This drug, whatever it is, was meant for Seffie. Would you mind—"

"Keeping an eye on her?" Colette nodded. "Consider it done."

"Yes, you're a good egg," Gil said to Colette, grinning. Then he turned his guileless smile on Tarvek. "And you're… structural."

"I suppose that's a compliment," Tarvek grumbled. Colette waved them away.

"Go on. Take him home to sleep it off. I suppose you'll be noble about it."

Tarvek tried to peer down at Gil, who was listing at a precarious angle, sliding downward as he did. In ridiculous slow motion, he ended with his face against Tarvek's neck.

"Structural," Gil mumbled, muffled in Tarvek's collar.

"I'm sure." Tarvek began to doubt whether he could get Gil to walk under his own power. "I'm going to need that empty glass."

"Fern," Gil said with a vague gesture that nearly displaced an entire tray of drinks.

"Pyracantha," Tarvek corrected.

"Whatever."

Colette shook her head at them. "Go," she repeated. Then she craned her neck, looking around for Seffie.

"Look, I think we won't draw too much attention if you just pretend to be drunk. Think you can manage—As a matter of public record," Tarvek interrupted himself, "I need to know: Are you licking me, or are you drooling on me?"

"Mmph," Gil replied. The sound vibrated on Tarvek's skin, and he flinched away.

"Walk." Taking Gil by the shoulders, Tarvek frog-marched him back to the potted plants. "We're arguing because you're drunk again."

"Are we?" Gil gazed at him, eyes wide and a little misty.

Tarvek growled and dragged a hand down his own face in exasperation. "That's our cover," he hissed through his teeth. "Can you manage that?"

"Oh, I'm pretty good at making you yell at me." Gil's head bobbed in that odd, boneless way again. Tarvek wanted to reach out and steady it.

"That's because you're an idiot! It's for your own good."

Gil beamed at him. "Oh, are we playing now?"

While making a noise of frustration, Tarvek reached into the pyracantha and retrieved the empty glass. "We are most certainly not playing. I can't let you embarrass yourself in front of… these people." He slipped the glass into his coat pocket.

"What, them?" Gil made a rude noise and a dismissive gesture.

"Yes, them!" Tarvek felt a wave of genuine irritation. "People I've protected you from before! Or don't you remember?"

Gil went sullen and quiet. "Of course I remember." He stuffed his hands into his pockets and hunched his shoulders, which somehow caused him to list dangerously to one side. Tarvek moved to prop him up.

"So we're leaving. Right now."

Gil yielded like overcooked pasta when Tarvek steered him toward the nearest exit, but he still voiced protests. "I'm fine," he insisted. "I want… wanted them to see me. To see that they don't matter now. That I'm…"

"The Sparkiest Spark they've ever met?"

"Hah, something like that." Gil gave him a small smile. Cool night air rushed over them as they stepped out onto the street.

"That supposes that they've never actually spoken to the Master," Tarvek pointed out. He considered transportation. Anything with a driver would constitute too great a hazard with Gil in this state. Anyway, it was a nice evening for a walk. Gil mumbled something that might have been agreement, and he leaned against Tarvek. Structural. Tarvek tried not to smile.

They walked in silence for a while, with Gil's arm looped somehow beneath Tarvek's coat. Tarvek pretended not to notice. Gil sagged and made small noises, possibly incomprehensible commentary. Tarvek tried to steady him, but they both stumbled, and he had to focus on his own footing. They blundered to a standstill.

"You boys have had too much!" called a pedestrian from across the street. Tarvek waved in acknowledgment of the comment.

"Tell him I'm not drunk," Gil whispered, and Tarvek shook his head. They continued onward. Another two blocks, and Gil's face went white with alarm. "Oh! Don't take me home. I… lost my keys."

"Lost?" Tarvek challenged the transparent lie.

Gil giggled. "Well, they were eaten by a hippo with mechanical legs. It's a long story."

"You are absolutely pathetic."

"Is that an endearment?"

Impaired Gil was growing entirely too savvy. Tarvek scowled at him. "You're an idiot."

"Who isn't?" With that, Gil proceeded to hum a cheery tune for another block and a half. Then he abruptly stopped. "Look, I know you're a terrible sneaky sneak," he said, "but you're a good friend to Colette. I appreciate that."

"Well, I'm not doing it for you," Tarvek scoffed.

"Oh. Um." Gil started to shuffle his feet. "You're not, um… You don't—"

"We're friends," Tarvek interrupted firmly. "No more than than." When Gil looked visibly relieved, he added, "You're not in love with her yourself, are you?" It seemed half of Paris was.

"Me? Oh, no. No," Gil repeated, sounding terribly sad. "I don't think I have the capacity to… to care about somebody in that way."

Trying to crush the wave of despair within him, Tarvek reached into his pocket for his keys. "No? You're probably just too busy trying to die in messy ways."

"Death is always messy," Gil replied, sounding eerily lucid again. Then he tilted his head and peered up the steps ahead of them. "Where are we?"

"My rooms."

"Rooms? Plural? Oh, that's fancy-pants." Gil lurched to the side, and Tarvek had to drag him back.

"I have no idea how you manage to survive without private lab space." If Tarvek could have shied from the hand on the small of his back, he would have. Instead, he used Gil's grip on him for leverage to drag him up the stairs.

Gil's grip on his waistband.

Tarvek fumbled his keys against the lock. How had Gil managed to get his hand beneath a well-fitted waistcoat? A silk shirt was not barrier enough between them. Tarvek tried to pretend it was.

"Having difficulty?" Gil needled.

Absolutely, yes. Without comment, Tarvek unlocked the door and led the way inside, disarming every trap as he went. It really wouldn't do to have Gil setting them off.

"Ooh…" Of course Gil released him and made for the lab equipment.

"Don't break my glassware." Tarvek took the glass from his pocket and swabbed the interior of it. "And don't steal my reagents," he added, snatching a bottle from Gil's hand.

"I'm not stealing." Gil propped his chin on Tarvek's shoulder, watching with rapt attention as he performed a quick analysis of the residue in the glass. His sigh tickled Tarvek's ear. "What… what is that incredible smell? Spice and something… some kind of resin?"

A swift blush burned Tarvek's cheeks, and he felt deep gratitude that Gil could not see his face. "Hair oil. I'm trying out a new formulation."

"It's good."

Tarvek made a small noise of agreement. He hated that Gil could affect him so easily, so carelessly. He hated it, but… Well, even if Gil never mentioned it again, Tarvek decided to keep that particular set of fragrances in his hair oil.

They leaned against one another in silence until Tarvek had the results he sought. "I know this drug," he grumbled, pushing Gil away so he could stand. "It causes brief unconsciousness—twenty minutes to an hour." He arched an eyebrow at Gil. "The dosage was obviously calculated for Seffie's body mass. Then," he continued, "the mark spills his guts for up to four hours, and forgets everything after sleeping it off."

"Huh," Gil said. Very helpful.

"So this must be the part where I get to interrogate you."

He had been joking, but Gil surprised Tarvek by saying, "Oh, no, I'll do the interrogating, thanks."

Tarvek laughed. "Sure, but I'm not the one who's drugged." He dropped himself into a wheeled chair and rolled dramatically away from Gil, arms spread in a gesture of invitation. "Take your best shot."

"Why do you hate me?"

Tarvek blinked at him. "I don't hate you." Not even close. "You frustrate me. You infuriate me." Sometimes even terrify. "But you have yet to inspire true hatred."

Gil bounced in place, which looked wildly unsteady. At least if he collapsed here, Tarvek needn't carry him anywhere. "Do you hate anyone?"

"Loads of people." Almost all of them family.

"Good."

Tarvek chuckled. "You're severely impaired, you know that?"

"I'm asking the questions," Gil objected. "What was I asking?"

"You asked about hate. I can only assume love comes next." Oh, now, why had he said that? Disgruntled with himself, Tarvek glared defiance at Gil.

"Good, yes, good." Gil nodded on every word. "What does love feel like?"

Not the question Tarvek had expected. "Torture," he said, not recognizing the blunder until it was too late.

Gil's eyes narrowed, shrewd and a little too lucid again. Then he resumed smiling. "Surely you of all people enjoy romance. Wine and poetry and flowers and all?"

More like incendiary devices and madcap chases through Paris. Tarvek shook his head. "I assume it's more fun when received with at least a bit of interest," he said, feeling bitter and cagey.

"You're Sparky and royal, and you're well groomed and always fashionable. You must not have confessed your intentions."

If Tarvek had been standing, he would have had to sit. Gil considered him desirable, at least to other people. What an unexpected lift to his self esteem! "You sound entirely too sure of that."

"Come on, there's no reason not to." Gil tried for a challenging stare, but ruined it by wobbling.

There were a thousand reasons not to. Tarvek sighed. "You can't know…"

"I'm sure you can do it," Gil interrupted. "You were brave enough to befriend me once. Just say: 'hey, I fancy you, and I'd like to kiss you.' See what happens."

Tarvek made his expression as blank as he could. "Hey. I fancy you, and I'd like to kiss you."

Beaming, Gil managed to lean in to thump him on the shoulder. "That's the ticket! Now you just need to go and find this—" He frowned. "Girl? Boy? I probably should have asked."

Tarvek swallowed an urge to cry, swallowed every hollow, aching heartbeat. "It doesn't matter," he said, shaking his head. "I'll have to marry someone appropriate, so it's pointless anyway."

"Oho, so Tarvek loves someone beneath his station!" Gil grinned at him. "Good. Most royals are duller than a rubber knife."

"Do you want to get punched?"

"I'm asking the questions," Gil reminded him again, with a glint of glee in his grin.

Tarvek lifted his hands in a gesture of mock surrender. "Ask," he said, though he felt surly and disinclined to answer anything else.

"What's stopping you from confessing your feelings?"

A good question. Tarvek eyed Gil with a wry twist to his lips. "Too many factors." How often had he weighed the warmth of Gil's lips against the dangers from his family? How often had he wondered just how hard Gil would hit him for making any overtures of romance? No, he decided now, Gil would not hit him. Gil would just stare in empty, blank confusion. Would that hurt worse? Probably. He sighed. "I know you can't understand, but it's just not safe."

Gil gestured at himself. "Drugged because of your family," he pointed out, and Tarvek frowned.

"Did I ever say it was family business?" he said, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"It-s y'r cousin's drink," Gil slurred. He swayed dangerously far to the left. Then, taking several slow, deep breaths, he righted himself. "Where were we?"

"I cannot believe you're doing this."

"Answer," Gil demanded, Sparky notes creeping into his voice. Tarvek eyed him with curiosity. Did this conversation really matter to him? Even knowing that he would forget everything?

"You think my romantic challenges can be easily resolved." Tarvek arched an eyebrow at Gil. "You're an idiot, but I appreciate that you mean well."

"I like you being honest. Why don't you do that more often?"

"You really want me to get killed, don't you? It's not safe," he said before Gil could chide him for asking another question. "I'm surprised you haven't realized that by now."

"You're better than you think you are." Gil's head bobbed in unstable assurance.

"Not as good as I should be," Tarvek grumbled. In so many ways, he failed his own expectations.

Gil stared at him, head tilting this way and that, somewhat like a bird. "What do you expect of yourself?"

Tarvek looked away. "I don't know… Heroics? Noble character?" He shrugged and shook his head. "To earn my birthright?" Really, it was a good question.

Gil leaned over him, hands clasped behind his back, grinning. He stayed like that until Tarvek scowled.

"What?"

"You're a romantic. One day, when you rule Sturmhalten…" Gil paused for long enough that Tarvek began to hope he might be trying to say something nice. "You'll grow disillusioned with the minutiae of governance and start feeding lawbreakers to the meanest monster you can find," he concluded with a sagely nod.

"What the hell!" Tarvek yelped. "Where would you even get that idea?"

"I've watched it happen. It's tragic. You're doomed." This last Gil delivered with a beatific smile.

"You're an idiot."

"Maybe, but not about this." Gil turned in a slow circle, bobbling as he went. He waved his arms loosely, and he gave a heartfelt sigh. "I really wish you and I were still friends." He stilled and he stared, his head sagged a little to one side.

"We would have ruined it by now anyway," Tarvek said. Probably owing to his own hopeless infatuation.

"Mmh," was Gil's noncommittal reply. He faltered, his leg muscles suddenly going loose like aspic jelly. Stage three. Despite his previous determination to allow this fool to collapse on the floor, Tarvek moved to catch him.

"Look at you. You're a mess." Tarvek looked down at the hand on the center of his chest, and his grip tightened on Gil's arms. No, it wasn't Gil who was a mess here. In this moment, Gil was blameless of everything but hanging on the brink of consciousness.

"Nnuh?" Gil sagged more, and Tarvek tried to consider the logistics of dragging or propelling him to the bed in the next room. Instead, he watched Gil's tongue roll out to moisten parched lips, and he let out an involuntary groan. Gil froze, as much as one could freeze while losing a fight for balance. "Wha's wrong?"

Wrong. There was no way Gil could be that much of an innocent. "I really want to kiss you right now."

"What?" Gil's eyes widened a moment before going unfocused. "Why…?"

He slumped in Tarvek's arms, unconscious.

Well.

Annoyed, Tarvek dragged Gil into the bedroom. "'Why,'" he grumbled, bitterness in every breath. "Because it's you, you complete imbecile. You're heavier than you look, you know. Are you… are you snoring?" He heaved Gil onto the bed. "Of course you are."

He hesitated for a moment before he loosened the fastenings of Gil's clothes. Surely that didn't count as taking advantage. He pulled the blankets up and he tucked them around Gil, who sighed and rubbed his feet together in his sleep. Feet never lie.

"Oh, what the hell." Tarvek leaned down one more time, and he pressed a swift, heartfelt kiss to Gil's forehead. "At least one of us is getting some sleep tonight." As much as it hurt, he turned away.

On the way out, Tarvek put a few drops of his hair oil into a warmer. He knew it was self-indulgent, but he wanted Gil to wake up to the fragrance. He locked up, and he stepped back out into the night.

Without Gil leaning on him, encumbering him, Tarvek quickly retraced his steps. He arrived back at the reception in time to see Seffie and Colette leaving together, laughing about something. The both seemed fine. Relieved, Tarvek skulked in the shadows, watching them. When he thought Seffie was too far to hear, he whistled five soft notes.

Varpa appeared, disgruntled and disheveled. "Your Highness?"

Tarvek rolled his shoulders, affecting an attitude of annoyance to cover his genuine concern. "I have a libertine in my bed right now, sleeping off a dose of Spill-All σ2. He… drooled on my collar. I want to know what happened. A full report by dawn."

Varpa, who looked to have had a rough night so far, tried to disguise exasperation with a small bow. "Sire." With that, the Smoke Knight vanished into the night.

Varpa would tell him. Oh, no, not everything, not even close. But enough that he could start unraveling the threads of this latest intrigue. And if he was exceptionally lucky, Gil might even stay out of the way this time.

Tarvek scoffed at himself. He was never, ever lucky.