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angryschnauzer · 4 years ago

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Distraction

Summary: As a junior CIA agent you are added to a mission to help with scientific analysis, but when half the team are hospitalised you have to suddenly become a hands on field agent, alongside August Walker and Will Shaw. When the final part of the mission at a tropical plant glass house has an unexpected side affect, you have to work as a team to survive the night.

Pairing: August Walker x Female Reader x Will Shaw Fandoms: Mission Impossible: Fallout (Movie), The Cold Light of Day (Movie), Henry Cavill - Actor.

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Sex Pollen, Threesome, Oral Sex, Unprotected Sex, Vaginal Sex, Blowjob, Cum Play, Double Penetration, Anal Sex.

A/N: This is my first time writing the Sex Pollen trope, so i hope you like it. Fic is unbeta’d; only the finest free range organic typos for me. I do not run a tag list, but if you follow @angryschnauzerwrites and put that blog onto notifications, you will then get an alert when i post something new.

Back catalogue can be found on AO3 Link Here, or you can follow my facebook page HERE.

Distraction

If there had been someone narrating a movie of this mission, the first line would have been ‘it was a simple mission’. However, they would have been lying. The mission was far from simple, it was convoluted, complicated, and the team fucking hated each other.

The team were scheduled to arrive via two flights, from opposite directions of the globe as not to arouse suspicions that a large team would do if anyone was picked up on facial recognition. You had been brought on board because of your scientific and tech background, and as the team were tasked with retrieving the formula for the most dangerous biological weapon in the world, you were the one that would check they had the right thumb drive before the mission was able to be called a success. There would be multiple extraction points, numerous undercover assignments that would all lead to the final extraction at the gala dinner.

That was the plan. What actually happened was the half of the team coming in from Dallas ended up with severe food poisoning and were currently being hospitalised in a local treatment facility. That left just your half of the team, and the senior agent now in charge was none too happy about it;

“I’ve got a fucking chemistry nerd and a number cruncher for a hands on mission that requires multiple scenes where infiltration and distraction are needed, and neither of you have any fucking field work!”

August Walker hated everyone and made sure he did everything he could so that everyone hated him in return. The other member of the team quietly ground his teeth, Walker never once let him forget that he came into this agency completely by accident following a rogue faction and a situation that started with the death of his CIA Agent father, and resulted in smashing up half of Madrid’s traffic in a 24 hour long series of car chases;

“I was a stockbroker, and i didn’t hear anyone complaining when i discovered the currency discrepancies that found us the targets insider trading”

Will Shaw was so similar yet so different to Walker it was startling, you even thought they looked similar enough to be long lost brothers, but never dared to mention it.

The hotel suite had all the facilities you needed to set up a small command post, with enough counter space to set up the laptops and work-stations, whilst not getting under each other's feet. However it was still small enough for the two men to continually bicker and make snide remarks at each other, and you had to push the earpiece of your surveillance equipment closer to your ear to hear, finally you heard what you needed to, holding your hand up and clicking your fingers at the two men who immediately silenced and crossed the room;

“They’re going to be at the MMA Gym in thirty minutes”

“Okay” Walker huffed; “We need to extract the codes from his device that will give us access for the holding location. You and Shaw take the gym and cause the distraction, i’ll get the codes”

Will shook his head;

“Not gonna work”

“It's not?” you were surprised

“The gym is men only, the only women are administration and janitorial”

“That’s fucking antiquated” August spat out in disgust.

You had to hide the smirk that tugged at the corner of your mouth, that August Walker of all people would be an advocate for equal rights, but nonetheless started to prepare for the first distraction.

Walker and Shaw had entered the building separately but within 5 minutes of each other, signing in under false names and keeping it simple and silent as they started training on the weights and cardio machines in the gym. You had already entered through the basement deliveries door which you’d been able to pick the lock of, finding a staff uniform t-shirt in the storeroom and pulling it on over your top. You could hear both men through their hidden comms, and within a couple of minutes pretending to sort out a cleaning kart that you knew the morning crew had finished with, you heard the code word that the target had entered the weights room.

Seconds later you were tentatively pushing the door to the locker room open, calling out;

“Housekeeping!”

You had no idea if they called themselves housekeeping or janitorial staff or whatever, but when you didn’t get a reply you quickly entered the room and did what needed to be done.

Through your ear piece you could hear the first stage of the distraction starting, with your two fellow agents starting to challenge the other to out lift each other, and from the muffled background noise you could tell that they were drawing a crowd of onlookers.

Tapping your comms you alerted Walker and Shaw that you’d been successful, and that it was time for them to leave. But as you got no response you quickly made your way out of the locker room through the other exit, only to find yourself in a glass walled corridor, the gym on the other side of the glass. What surprised you however was that there was now a huge crowd of spectators as they watched your two agents try to pull out more reps on the bicep curl machine. Scowling you grabbed a cloth and bottle of spray cleaner and squirted the glass, glaring at the two of them before they finally saw you;

“Its time to go, dumbasses. Finish the contest. I’ll be in the car in the street behind the building”

Pushing through the door of the hotel suite you scrunched your nose as Will pushed past you, August not far behind;

“You two need a shower… did you really need to get that sweaty?”

“Well… you wanted the distraction to look convincing, didn’t you?” Will shot back, stripping his t-shirt off, already halfway to the bathroom.

A quiet cough behind you drew your attention away from Will’s sculpted back muscles;

“When you’re done staring at Shaw…”

“I...I wasn’t stare…”

“Whatever sweetheart, either way; you two need to change”

Looking down at your outfit you pulled at the gym t-shirt;

“Yeah, i can just find a utility shirt or something…”

“No, you’re front of house with me. Will’s taking the extraction of the thumb drive”

“But...I didn’t bring an outfit…”

August nodded to a pile of bags in the corner of the room from the agents that hadn’t made it to the mission but their luggage had;

“So check Marianne’s, she is about the same size as you. Either way its you and me sweetheart, now get dolled up, you can’t go to a gala looking like that”

Twenty minutes later you took a deep breath; you’d found Marianne’s bag and had found that although she was a similar size to you, it was one size smaller. She also had a completely different taste and style to makeup and you were now way out of your comfort zone. The red lipstick however seemed to work, a touch of gold bronzing powder across your shoulders and chest made the red silk dress really work for you. Adjusting the straps so they sat over the top of your bra, the pretty floral pattern hopefully not too noticeably jarring against the sultry silk. Taking a deep breath you stepped out of the small dressing room and came face to face with Will;

“Oh hey” he looked you up and down before clearing his throat; “Looks good”

“Yeah?” you smoothed the dress down over your stomach

“I mean… the bra kinda takes away from the look… but yeah, it looks really good”

“I...I didn’t have anything suitable for a gala, this is Marianne’s… from her bag…”

Will stood in front of you, reaching his hand around your back and with a quick snap of his fingers he’d unfastened your bra;

“It really will look better without the bra… trust me…”

Without another word he turned and crossed the room, pulling his tie from his bag, fastening it as August emerged from the other room;

“Agent. Bra off, now”

Shimmying the offending garment down your arms you pulled it out of your dress as he crossed the room;

“I don’t see why…”

“Because the people at this gala have got so much money they flaunt what they’ve got. You’ve got to fit in” He held his finger out and you hooked it over the protruding digit.

“We’d better get going… the gala is about to start”

With a nod August grabbed the keys to the BMW you’d been assigned and tossed them to Will; he was taking on the role of Driver and Bodyguard to your’s and August’s ‘couple’, the three of you filed out of the room and into the elevator.

The ride down the highrise hotel was slow, and you could feel both men’s eyes on you as they stood behind you, before the doors finally opened to the basement parking. You struggled to keep up with them as they strode out with their long legs, the heels of your stiletto sandals clicking on the cement. Finally as you reached the car you were surprised as August opened the door for you, not uttering a word as he watched you climb in before he rounded the car and slid into the back seat beside you.

You’d barely had time to fasten your seatbelt before Will was peeling out of the hotel parking with a squeal of tyres and you were heading to your destination.

“Panties, off” August’s words surprised you

“W-WHAT?!”

“Panties. Take them off”

“Agent Walker…”

“They dig into the meat of your hips and take the attention away from the sexiness of the dress. You need to fit in tonight”

“B-b-but…” you attempted to stall, but without another word August pulled your knees towards him and slid his hands beneath your dress. He grasped the thin elastic straps that ran over your hips and pulled hard, snapping the fragile pieces of fabric and pulling the now ruined undergarments. Glancing at Will he had a brief smirk on his face but quickly looked away, concentrating on the road ahead.

The gala was amazing, and it was hard not to get absorbed into the evening as if you were a real guest. You could hear everything through the hidden comms units in your ears, and apart from the occasional grunt as Will silently passed the guards as he made his way further into the underground chambers that ran below the massive glasshouse the gala was in, it seemed to all be going exactly to plan. The host had announced for everyone to celebrate, and you had found yourselves being swept onto the dancefloor, and suddenly you were in August’s arms as he held you close, the music thankfully loud enough to drown out your conversation from the ears of others;

“Do you think he’s getting on ok?”

“He’d say if he wasn’t” August assured you as he moved in time to the music, his hand on your lower back pulling you closer to his body. At that very moment you both heard a guttural cry through the comms, your eyes wide in panic as he grabbed your hand and you quickly made your way through the crowd;

“Shaw, come in… are you ok?”

You heard gurgling on the comms and watched as August pulled out his phone and activated the trackers that you all wore, the two of you coming up together on screen, but the third - Will’s - showing as on the level below and not moving.

The stairs had been hell in your heels, eventually you’d kicked them off and had run barefoot behind August, chasing him around corners and along corridors, before he’d finally come to a halt in front of a sealed door, his phone showing that Will was in the room behind it.

“Stand back”

You took a couple of steps back and watched as August kicked the door, the deafening bang as it broke from its hinges and splintered in was immediately forgotten as a sudden rush of air came out of the room, covering him in a dusting of strange grey-pinkish powder. He fell to the floor coughing and you rushed to his side;

“Check on Shaw! I’m fine!”

Quickly entering the room you looked around, finally seeing Will laying on the floor, he too was covered in the powder. Kneeling at his side you checked his pulse, relieved to find one as he opened his eyes and groaned.

“What happened? Are you ok?”

“Stop fussing, i’m fine… we gotta get out of here. Security will be on their way…”

At that moment August appeared at your side;

“Did you get it?”

“Yeah, i got it”

Will held out the thumb drive and pushed it into your hand as August pulled him to his feet, and they attempted to dust themselves off as the three of you staggered down the hallway and out of the fire exit.

Pushing into the hotel room, both Will and August had already shed the majority of their clothing, now dressed in just their smart dress pants and under shirts, still coughing from the dust cloud that lingered in their airways. You’d run the briefest of tests with the tiny blood monitor that you’d kept in the car to ensure it wasn’t a known nerve agent or poison before you’d even left the extraction point, thankfully the results being negative, but both men needed to wash off whatever it was as soon as possible. But first, you needed a proper sample;

“Agent Shaw, i need to take some blood, hair and saliva, run it through the test software, to see if whatever it was has synthesised into your bloodstream” you nodded to the small scientific station you’d set up at the end of the table, the case having contained tiny gadgets that amounted to a microscope, a mass spectrometer, and other testing equipment… the whole point of why you in particular had been placed on this mission.

A minute later you’d collected the samples, trying hard not to get flustered as Will had stood in front of you bare chested and in just his underwear, heat radiating from his body;

“So what do you think it is?”

“I have no idea”

“Well i’m burning up, i need to take a shower”

Quickly loading the samples into the rapid mass spectrometer you turned to Agent Walker to check his vitals and let out a tiny squeak of surprise when you saw him sitting on the edge of the bed in just his underwear. His chest was flushed and he had a sheen of sweat over his entire body;

“I guess i’m next?”

Pressing your hand to his forehead you could feel he was burning up;

“I’m going to check your temperature first”

Quickly using the thermal reader you could see that his core temp was heading towards fever;

“I’m going to take the samples then as soon as Will is out of the shower you need to get in there”

“Yes Ma’am” he chuckled, closing his eyes as you pushed your fingers through his hair to pluck a sample strand. The powder had caught in the strands and it was only as you combed your fingers through the dark locks did you realise he had soft curls. As you tried to separate them he let out a groan as you stroked his scalp. He swayed a little even though he was sitting down, and before you could do anything his hands were on your hips to steady himself, the heat almost searing through the silk of your dress.

Finally having got all the samples you needed you reluctantly pulled away, not saying a word as he simply flopped back onto the bed with a smirk on his face. You busied yourself preparing the test samples from Agent Walker, the machine finishing with Shaw’s. You were vaguely aware of the shower being turned off and the men moving around the room, before the shower was on again and you presumed it was August in there.

Peering at the saliva samples through the microscope you frowned, the particles present completely organic and very familiar.

“So what is the diagnosis Doc?”

Will’s voice surprised you, and as you jumped and turned your eyes went wide when you saw he was in just a towel, tied low on his waist as he drank from a bottle of water.

“Y-You don’t want to put some clothes on?”

He looked down at himself, almost surprised to find he was only wearing a towel and shrugged;

“No point, the way i’m burning up i’ll be naked soon” he nodded to the screen; “So?”

Turning your attention back to the screen you swallowed hard, your throat suddenly dry;

“Well… it seems organic, spores of some kind. Its hard to tell what they are from, but their chemical make-up is unique. The only time i’ve seen anything similar is in isolated microclimates that are cut off from the rest of nature… there was this one… in a volcano… a pollen from a plant that grew in tropical climates…” you trailed off as you sensed another presence now flanking your other side, glancing away from the microscope, taking in the sight of August in an identical outfit to Will, his broad expanse of chest at eye level as he bent down to look into the microscope.

“Hmmn… so, how’s it gonna affect us? The gala was in a fucking giant greenhouse; you saw the plants they were growing there, some of them were 20ft tall and looked like they’d come from another planet. Do we need to pop an antihistamine or something, what’s it gonna do?”

Standing you quickly slid out from between the two barely dressed men, checking the mass spectrometer and frowning;

“It seems to be elevating your testosterone levels…” you peered at the saliva results; “...and pheromones… your bodies are heating up where your body is fighting against the pollen, its affecting all your hormones...”

“Pheromones…” Will mused; “... that’s the sex hormones, right?”

“Urrr…” you faltered, looking up at the two men who were now looking at you like hungry wolves.

August stepped closer;

“Sweetheart, i think you’d better get yourself tested too…” he paused, his finger hooking beneath the thin strap of your dress, making you acutely aware you were completely naked beneath it; “... cos’ i could smell you from across the room… and you smell so sweet right now…”

You went to take a step back, only to bump into the hard expanse of Will’s naked chest, his hand curling around your arm;

“C’mon, lets get you tested…”

You were suddenly putty in their hands, your head swimming and it was only then that you realised you were burning up. It felt like you had a core of lava within you, and the only thing you could liken it to was a hot flash, your body flushed with heat. You recalled the time you’d overheard a much older agent talking to her friends, unaware you had been in the room and she’d spilled the beans on how she would recover from an episode and calm her hormones down... with the help of her husband.

As your head had been swirling, Will had taken your blood sample and had loaded it into the mass spectrometer, having watched as you’d shown him before the mission. But you could barely concentrate;

“I...I know how to counteract the affects of the pollen…” you panted out, unsteady on your feet as you swayed and August caught you in his arms

“Oh yes?”

“En… Endorphins… they counteract… they burn off the pheromones…”

You felt hot breath on the back of your neck as Will pressed against you;

“I’m not a scientist, but i know how to create endorphins…”

His lips made contact with your neck and you turned to jelly, your head resting against his shoulder and your eyelids drooping, barely open, yet you had enough of your senses to be aware of August in front of you, pulling the straps of your dress down your arms, you pliable in his hands as he stripped you of your only remaining garment, pressing his lips to your over heated skin as went as the silk pooled at your feet;

“So beautiful…”

“Absolutely” Will agreed from behind, his lips grazing over your jawline as his arms reached around you and cupped your tender breasts; “We need to work as a team to get through this… what are the hazards of hot flashes then Doc?”

“Y-Y-You can over heat your brain… your heart could give out…”

“Uh-huh… and endorphins will help stop this?” August enquired, his breath hot on your naked chest

“Y-yeah…”

That was the last word spoken for a very long time. From that point on the only sounds in the room were hums of pleasure combined with the carnal soundtrack of three bodies moving towards the inevitable. By the time you got to the bed both men had lost their towels, hard naked bodies pressed against your soft curves, sculpted hard muscle available everywhere you touched, and oh did you touch… and caress and stroke, the second you’d reciprocated their affections they had softened to your touch, sighs of pleasure as your fingertips gave them just the slightest relief.

You found yourself sandwiched between the two men on the soft covers of the king-size bed, each taking turns to capture your lips for searing kisses, each having their own unique talent and style with their tongues. When you were deep in August’s embrace you felt Will move down the bed, his hands pulling your legs apart before he pressed kisses up your inner thighs and his mouth made contact with your soaked folds. The cry of pleasure that erupted from your mouth broke the kiss, yet August didn’t seem to mind as your hand had found its way to being wrapped around his weeping shaft, tugging him sloppily as you struggled to concentrate;

“That’s it Sweetheart, you don’t need to be gentle… i like it rough…”

You tried to answer, but Will’s tongue had found your soaked entrance as his hand curled around your thigh and sought out your clit, the pleasure he was giving you was too intense to allow you to form coherent words. August claimed your lips again for another searing kiss, humming his appreciation as you worked your hand over his heated flesh.

Before you knew it you were coming hard, your orgasm tearing through your body as you ground your core against Will’s face, his eyes sparkling from between your thighs, and as you were floating on the high of the afterglow you could feel the two men moving you, adjusting you to suit their needs.

On all fours on the bed you were faced with August’s dick, opening your mouth instinctively to take him deep, the heavy weight on your tongue a welcome feeling. Saliva spilled from the corners of your mouth as you struggled to stretch around his girth. At the same time you felt Will’s powerful thighs pressing against the back of your own, the velvet touch of his bulbous crown pressing to your still trembling hole before with a grunt he thrust into your soft body.

There were only grunts and gasps of pleasure, the two men rocking your body between them as they defiled you in the basest of ways, but that you were eager to participate in, the mixing of pheromones in the room removing your inhibitions, knowing that it was an act of survival. You could feel your body climbing again, your orgasm imminent. You felt the first salty tang of August’s seed on your tongue, the tensing of his muscles as his body prepared to release into the welcome warmth of your mouth. His massive hand cupped your chin and pulled your head up to look him in the eye as he finally reached his peak, grunting curses as he pumped thick ropes over your tongue, raining praise upon you as you swallowed everything he gave you.

August fell back onto the pillows, but before you could let gravity take hold of you too Will wrapped his arms around your torso, pulling you upright until you were pressed against his chest, his hips thrusting as he filled you so deliciously from behind. Through lust soaked gaze you watched August watching the pair of you as you fucked in front of him, his eyes travelling down your heated body until he was watching where your bodies were joined, how Will’s thick cock stretched you out so well.

“Get your finger on her clit Shaw, i wanna watch you make her come undone”

Doing as the senior agent instructed, Will snaked a hand down your stomach, rubbing tight firm circles against your sensitive bud as he continued to fill you, until you were shaking, hanging onto the precipice of pleasure and that final flick of his finger was enough to set off another orgasm.

The vice-like grip of your velvet walls was the final trigger for Will, and with a sin filled groan he pushed in one last time and you could feel him spilling deep inside you.

Finally he pulled out, carefully setting you down onto the soft bedcovers. Your eyelids felt heavy, but the burning deep in your body seemed to be sated. You felt the men moving around the bed, a large hand cupping the back of your neck before lifting you from the bed a little;

“Drink…”

Opening your eyes, you watched as August lifted a water bottle to your lips, making sure you gulped down the chilled water before pulling away;

“How… how are you guys feeling?”

He turned and sat on the bed beside you, his finger trailing down your neck and between your breasts, and only then could you see the sheen as his skin glistened with sweat, a droplet running down his abdomen to where his cock stood hard and proud from a thatch of dark curls;

“Not… not quite done yet…”

Gently pushing you back down onto the bed he tossed the empty bottle aside before crawling atop of you, capturing your mouth with his as you felt the nudge of his hardened dick breach your body, his wide expanse of chest pressing you to the bed. He didn’t start out gentle and it only got rougher, ploughing into your body as he sought to relieve the effects of the pollen coursing through his veins like fire, burning within him until all that was left was red hot embers of passion. Your body writhed beneath him, begging for more, eagerly taking whatever he could give.

He hit spots you didn’t know existed, your back arching with pleasure as he filled you, your hardened nipples almost too sensitive from his chest hair roughly rubbing against them, the stimulation almost too much until the levy broke and you came hard, your fingers digging into his back to leave dark welts, the pain his trigger for the final thrust as he pumped you full of his seed.

Finally he rolled off you, laying at your side as your chests heaved, struggling to catch your breath when you felt another hand grasp at your wrist;

“Babe… please… i need you…”

Looking to Will you saw a pained look on his face as he sat partially propped up against the pillows, his chest soaked and his dick standing hard and proud;

“Please…” he begged.

Somehow you found the energy to move, your body still shaking but yet you straddled his lap, pushing his sweat soaked curls from his face;

“It’s going to be ok Will, i’ll take care of you… its ok…”

You sank down onto his waiting body, taking him where August had been only a minute before, the comingled seed lubricating you as this new angle found yet more pleasure points that had remained undiscovered until then. Wills hands moved to your hips, his grip tight as he gritted his teeth and moved you on his lap, rocking you to ride him like a rodeo stallion. Sweat dripped down your body, rivulets running between your breasts as you threw your head back and basked in the flood of pleasure chemicals soaking your brain. The haze of lust clouding time and space as you came to another orgasm, Will filling you with another load of his thick cum, your cries of pleasure finally ebbing away as you collapsed on his heaving chest, his hands stroking your back whilst your bodies stayed joined.

A pair of strong arms lifted you off of Will and set you down on the mattress, August’s dark smile haunting over you as he parted your legs and kissed down your thigh, before with a smirk he bit the soft flesh. It wasn’t enough to break the skin but the pleasure pain receptors in your mind were immediately set off again, and you knew that even if you couldn’t see the mark you’d feel it for days to come. He lifted your legs and parted them, his face at your centre, yet where his tongue ended up you let out a squeak of surprise as he circled your back entrance.

“Oh, OH… August…”

“Mmmnnfff” was all that could be heard as he pushed his tongue at your asshole, his thumb pressing against your clit as he worked you open, your body deceiving you as a fierce orgasm washed over you almost immediately. When he pulled away he had a smug look on his face;

“Thought as much… hold tight…”

He quickly disappeared to the bathroom, before returning with a small bottle in his hand. Pouring some of the liquid contained within on his fingers, he worked the oil over your skin before pushing his thick finger into your ass, eagerly praising you as he worked your body until you were ready.

“Walker… hurry up and fuck her… i’m burning up here, i need another round…” Will gasped out as August moved you.

“C’mere then Shaw, we’re never gonna get this out of our systems if we have to wait to take turns…”

Even through the haze of the pollen Will immediately got what August was saying, the pair of them pulling you from the bed before Will took you into his arms;

“Jump…”

With a surprising amount of strength Will pulled you up, your legs hooked over his forearms as he angled his hips to push his dick back into your cum soaked cunt, letting gravity help as he sank deep. Just as you thought you were about to overbalance a hard chest pressed against your back, August stooping behind you as he took his iron hard dick in hand and sought out purchase on your ass;

“Gonna take this as slow as i can Sweetheart…”

Slow didn’t seem slow enough, and you cursed Newton and the laws of physics as the same forces that had pulled you down onto Will did the same with August, leaving you gasping for air as you were filled in both holes. The boys held you up, in place and still whilst they resisted ravaging your body, fighting against the pollen until they could no longer hold back and they unleashed their raw power upon your body. Fucking you in tandem with the thinnest of walls separating themselves inside you, they defiled your body as you begged for more; harder, deeper, faster. It was never enough.

The night ebbed away into the mists of time, each sex act more depraved than the last, the three of you driving the deadly force of the pollen from your bodies in an endless battle of lust.

The last thing you recalled was the sun rising as the two men stood before your kneeling body, spraying your face and breasts with a final load before sleep finally claimed your sated body.

Bright light streamed in the window and you winced as your head pounded. A deep voice could be heard but you weren’t listening. A warm body beside you shifted and a large warm hand pressed to your aching abdomen, soothing the overworked muscles. A soft pair of lips pressed a kiss to your shoulder, and the lack of moustache told you it was Will that was spooning you.

“C’mon Agents, rise and shine” August barked from the bathroom doorway, packing his things; “Got a flight to catch in two hours, debriefing in twelve”

Closing the file you nodded at your superiors, their approval of a good job done ringing praises in your ears as the debriefing ended, people pushing their chairs out and making small talk as they were dismissed for the weekend and a well deserved rest.

Walking to the elevator you didn’t make eye contact, trying hard not to wince as your thighs rubbed together and you felt the bite that August had given you, wanting to avoid any probing questions. You’d skimmed over a lot in your report, mainly the sex-pollen induced orgy that had taken place, but as the thumb drive with the vital data on had been recovered no-one was concentrating on the part between the retrieval and the debriefing.

The elevator dinged as the doors opened, and absentmindedly you stepped in, looking out of the glass windows as you were only partially aware of just a few other passengers. It was only when you realised you were flanked on both sides did you look up and see that August and Will were either side of you.

With a smirk August handed you a file;

“This wasn’t needed for the debriefing”

You flicked it open and saw that it was the mobile test data from the hotel room;

“Yes, probably for the best” you agreed, your throat dry.

As you held the pages Will pointed to a trio of lines towards the bottom. For a moment you stared at the numbers before you recognised what they meant;

“That’s our results…”

You felt August’s breath hot on your ear as he whispered;

“Look at yours…”

You saw the readings of Will and August’s blood count, of the pheromone saturation… then you saw yours;

“But… but that can’t be right…”

“You know that equipment better than anyone else… when has it ever been wrong?”

The elevator reached the Lobby and everyone filed out, August and Will stopping and nodding to the bar across the street;

“We’ll be catching a drink or two… you’re welcome to join us once you’ve taken in the test data…”

You nodded, speechless, staring at the data in black and white. It couldn’t be wrong; it was never wrong. It was clear as day.

You hadn’t been infected by the pollen.

#august walker x reader #will shaw x reader #august walker fanfic #will shaw fanfic #henry cavill

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adabassist · 5 years ago

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COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN

After over 15 years of dealing with the symptoms of a neurological auto-immune disease, you start to wonder if you’ve seen all the various permutations of the day-to-day things that get in your way. At the completion of this performance, I can safely say the answer is a big fat NO… although the “disability” didn’t come in a form associated with MS this time.

These days, when I gig out, I gotta have help. That’s just all there is to it. I warn everyone I perform with that I am not self-sufficient; to my utter amazement, nobody has refused to help or even complained. I am always very grateful for these wonderful people, whether bandmates, fans, or SWMBO (who does it a lot and even revels in directing traffic to a large extent).

When SWMBO doesn’t tag along, I have to tell people what I need help with: what’s coming out of the van, where it goes, who’s willing to park my van if a space isn’t convenient, here’s what I need out of which bag, what assistance I need getting on/off stage, where things go when they go back in the van, etc.

All of which is easy to do - unless you have LARYNGITIS.

I happen to be prone to this mostly-just-annoying condition for some reason. I think this bout made it an even dozen for me. I even used to keep a “Flintstones Magic-Slate” around - where you would write on the wax paper with a plastic “pen”, lift the paper, and the writing would vanish - for just such occasions. I used to get it every other year for quite some time, and then it quit showing up. Until the day before a certain gig in the local metropolis…

I had been rehearsing with a group that played Dominican music — bachatas, merengue, etc. — and I didn’t even know there was such a thing a year ago. Through the various contacts I’ve made with the salsa bands I’ve been working with, I ended up being the only “non-Caribbean” musician in a group that was doing a tribute to Antony Santos. Easy stuff if you grew up listening and playing it; very difficult to sound authentic if you didn’t. Our first gig was opening for a Dominican artist at a big club about 70 miles away. There were going to be about 500-600 people in the audience, so it was a pretty big deal.

The night before the show, my voice drops an octave and a half. I have a good time imitating Darth Vader and Lurch from The Addams Family.

Wake up the next morning and my voice is GONE. Nothing.

So I warn the band members via text: I will require extra consideration at the gig because I have no voice. A few jokes made at my expense, sure, fine, whatever.

What’s making this even more difficult is that a Winter Storm Warning went into effect at 4 pm, and they’re expecting about 8” of snow. Great.

So my mind begins taking stock of the situation: no voice, unfamiliar club, long drive through dangerous snowy conditions, Friday night traffic. Hoo boy. This oughta be fun.

I had texted the bandleader earlier in the day asking what the odds were that weather might cancel this show. He replied that the only way this show would be cancelled is if the end of the world came that afternoon. Uh-huh.

So I leave early, expecting the worst.

First 40 miles of the trip were fine; just barely damp roads, and hardly anyone out there. I’m guessing the storm scared most of the drivers off. Those that were willing to brave the freeway were scared enough of the left lane for some reason that I made pretty good time to that point.

By then the snow was starting to stick and collect, and I’m officially glad I left early. The last 30 miles of the trip take an hour and a half, including 25 minutes for the last 3 miles on surface roads. I’m starting to get annoyed at myself, thinking that no one is going to show up for this performance in a big snowstorm, regardless of what the bandleader said earlier, and I’ve risked life and limb for nothing.

I arrive on time - hooray! Amazing! However, nobody else managed to make it by the time I arrived. (How does the guy who had the farthest to go get there FIRST?) I drive to the back of the venue to find the sketchiest loading ramp I’ve ever seen, and to make matters worse, the snow hadn’t been shoveled or dealt with in any way. And so, with no assistance, I go and park in the HC spot up front, and wait. And wait some more.

Bandleader was right - the main parking lot was full, and overflow was nearly full as well. I watch everyone in their finest concert-going clothes — short dresses and high heels, partially covered by ski parkas — pass my van as I continue to wait.

After 40 minutes, a band member shows up! Hooray! He gets stuff out of my van, and I get my rollator (rolling walker) out and follow. I am given instructions to “go in and go straight back to the stage”. Before I could get better details, he was off. So I follow as best I can.

Got to the front door, and am waved over by the ticket guy who gave me a wristband. After a once-over by security I’m sent through to the dance floor. The bandleader wasn’t exaggerating; there’s got to be nearly 1000 people in here. It's a sea of Latinos! Latinos who apparently have never seen a rolling walker before, too, judging by their reaction. Or maybe their expressions said “I wonder if this gringo is in the right place”…

Now I'm left to guess what "straight back" means. Stage left or stage right? I pick stage right, and 200 feet later I see the guitarist, who happens to be the only non-english speaking member of the group. I sit, shake his hand, and wait.

And wait.

So I check my phone to see if there are any updates. The bandleader is stuck in the snow on his way to the venue. The band member who grabbed my gear is looking for me; apparently I should have picked stage left instead of right, as there is a barricade in front of the stage right steps, and I can't convince anyone to move it (I picked a very inconvenient time to lose my voice). The guitarist is just happy to wait and do nothing until someone gets his attention in spanish.

The other band member finally finds us (I guess he doesn't know what "stage right" means!) and leads us through the mass of humanity on the dance floor to the stage stairs on the other side. Stairs are a bit treacherous, but traversable (stairs are NEVER good, but there are always ways up and down even if your leg doesn’t work).

My gear is onstage waiting for me. I find my chair, sit down, plug in, have my case/etc. moved offstage, tune up, and wait.

And wait...

The soundman comes by and tells me I've plugged into the wrong DI box, and gets me set up and running through the amp. It's pretty quiet though, and the chair was placed in such a way that there's NO way I can reach the knobs to turn up. So I signal to a bandmate to help, who says he'll be right back.

So I wait some more... 10+ minutes later, he shows up again and helps me out.

Keep in mind that communication for me involved getting as close to someone's ear as possible and "shouting" to be heard. I've seen more ears close up in the last 24 hours than I want to for a while.

After what I'm sure is another 15 minutes, everyone else has arrived, set up, and been soundchecked, and we begin (30 minutes late). Very receptive crowd. Lots of folks dancing. Band sounds good, everyone is paying attention, I only made a few mistakes, and the bandleader later said that I did an amazing job. Very pleased, considering this is a totally new style of music for me!

So we finish our 8-song set, I take my bass off, unplug, and watch everyone leave the stage....

....and wait.

All this waiting because I’m sitting on a chair, my walker has been moved to the wings, and I have no voice with which to holler for help. So I can’t move or talk. I literally have to wait for someone to take pity on me, as woe-is-me as that sounds.

Finally someone comes and gets my walker, bass case, etc., and I get stuff put away and make my way towards stage left where the stairs are. A band member follows with my bass and cords bag.

I get to the stairs, someone takes the walker and parks it at the bottom, and as I begin my descent, a series of women (groupies?) try to pass me going UP the stairs - like one every 10 seconds - wanting to talk to someone from our band or the one following us. It was a bit of a confused shouting match between those who wanted up and those who were trying to help me down to explain that they need to WAIT or they were going to knock me over.

One bandmate kept saying, "Take your time, you got this, don't let them rush you." That was really helpful, just to know that someone is watching and advocating for you when you’re unable to do that for yourself (one of the many amazing things about SWMBO, for that matter).

Once I was safely down the stairs, I made my way to the back entrance w/ aforementioned loading ramp, blessedly very near the stage stairs. A band member took my bass, bag, and keys, and pulled my van around back for me. I knew the loading ramp was in no better shape than when I arrived, but I was willing to take my chances because the crowd was much larger and rowdier than when I went in. But I began to regret that decision as I made my way down what had to be a 25% grade with a rollator whose handbrakes needed to be adjusted. It took well over 5 minutes to get me about 45 feet.

Made it down a very snowy ramp, through some "plow drifts", and finally to the van. Thanked everyone profusely (if silently!), got in, and sent a message to SWMBO that I was headed home.

Surface roads might have been WORSE on the way home. Thankfully I'm very experienced in snow driving — even with my convoluted method for operating a motor vehicle — and didn't hit anything, get hit by anyone, or panic at all. Enough gas in the car, no deadlines, slow and steady wins the race, made it home in one piece.

The show must, and did, go on!

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preserving-ferretbrain · 6 years ago

Text

Sarah Monette, the Victim Dilemma, the Aesthetic of Suffering and the Uncanny Valley of Arse Rape

by Wardog

Monday, 27 April 2009

Wardog fails to finish Sarah Monette's Corambis.~

Massive massive massive massive spoilers for about 1/3 of the book. Also, as the title suggests, this article is about nasty things so don’t read if you’re likely to be upset

Preramble (like a preamble but … d’you see?)

This is a bleak day indeed. I just got my hands on a copy of Corambis, the much-anticipated (by me at least) concluding part to Sarah Monette’s Doctrine of Labyrinths quartet and the truth of it is, I don’t think I can finish it.

Oh, Sarah, what happened? I do still love you, I just don’t think it’s working out.

I think it’s partially problems associated with reading through a series over a lengthy period of time. When I read Melusine, The Virtu was already out in hardback and I tore through at them enthusiastically, so drawn into the world and the characters that I barely noticed they were so heavily saturated in angst and woe that one could drown in it by simply opening the book a little recklessly. There was a bit of a wait for The Mirador – which I seem to recall I felt slightly less positively about but still adored – and I fell upon Mehitabel Parr’s I’m sure welcoming bosom to save me from the tidal waves of A&W. As much as I love Felix and Mildmay, it was Mehitabel’s narrative voice that made The Mirador bearable for me. It was such a necessary contrast to the boys: someone with some redeeming sense of self-irony, hurrah!

Of course, Mehitabel isn’t in Corambis. And, God, I miss her. There is a new viewpoint character, Kay Brightmore, blinded and imprisoned and weighed down by the terrible military failure that kicks off the book. He’s basically lost everything that ever mattered to him, can no longer fight on account of being blind and, needless to say, he has angst out the wazoo about it. I was broken and crying by Chapter three.

And, quite frankly, I just can’t take it. I know there is redemption in the future of these characters (characters I really care about, having spent three books with them), I know there is self-actualisation and the potential for happiness, I know because I cheated and looked, but I’ve really really struggled with Corambis. The worst of it is, I’m sure it will be a triumphant and satisfying conclusion to the quartet. Sarah Monette is an excellent writer, I love her world, I love the way she uses language, I love her characters, I love everything about her but I think I’m going to have to accept the fact I simply can’t read her.

Oh, Sarah, what happened? I do still love you, it’s not you, it’s me.

Maybe in a couple of years we’ll be able to work something out.

I think circumstances might be playing into this unhappy state of affairs as well. When I read the early books, there wasn’t a cloud in my sky. But having emerged from a rather bleak year, there’s something a little too close in all that guilt and grief and self-loathing and despair, and I can’t distance myself enough from it to enjoy it. There is a systematic aestheticisation of suffering to be found in all of Monette’s books. I’m not going to try and argue that as either a positive or negative quality in her work. I think it’s probably neutral: it’s

something

art

does

sometimes

. I acknowledge the difference between literary suffering and real suffering, in that there can be a romance in the former which is impossible in the latter. Also literary suffering exists in a wider, symbolic and allegorical sphere than that of an individual having shitty things done to them by life or others, mainly, I suspect, because it’s not real. Take madness – there is something deeply attractive and romantic about the artistic representation of madness (like Felix’s madness in Melusine) and it’s perfectly possible to appreciate that, and to find in it a kind of beauty, without ignoring the genuine distress suffered by the mentally ill. In short, Ophelia is not my friend who killed herself last year.

But the boundaries between the fictional and the real are not comprehensively signposted. There isn’t a traceable spectrum between Lavinia, daughter of Titus Andronicus, and Elizabeth Short. And ultimately I think there comes an impossible point when the literary and the real collide, corrupt each other and prove they are utterly irreconcilable and yet simultaneously inseparable. Yes, they must be understood as different things operating in a different way – a painting of St Sebastian is not the same as footage of the prisoners at Guantanamo bay – but there comes a point when it is necessary to remember what it is that’s being aestheticised and ask yourself why.

Page 152

Okay, so, there’s a gang-rape scene in Corambis.

Felix – former prostitute, broken gay wizard with ex-cruel master and traumatic past - ends up subjecting himself a thaumaturgic orgy in order to earn money to pay for his ailing brother’s medicine.

It’s awful.

It’s not that it’s explicit, just awful.

And I’m no wuss, okay. I’ve read Last Exit to Brooklyn. I’ve read The Wasp Factory. I’ve read American Psycho.

But something about this scene in this book bought me a first class ticket on the ARGH! Train and whizzed me straight out of my comfort zone.

It’s strange to say that something is “outside your comfort zone” in that it feels like a confession of personal failure (also something that’s outside my comfort zone). And then I thought about it more, and I thought: hey, so what, gang-rape is outside my comfort zone. Surely that’s normal. Gang-rape is absolutely something that should be outside all our comfort zones. But here’s where it gets complicated: in fact, fictional gang-rape is not outside my comfort zone. I play H-games, for God’s sake, where they’re ten a penny. You can’t take two steps in an H-game without stubbing your toe on a gang rape. So it’s something more specific than that. It was something about this particular portrayal of it.

It’s not shock value. Felix gets himself sexually abused on a pretty regular basis, so much so, in fact, that it’s kind of part of the fun, and it’s very much tied into Monette’s aesthetic of suffering.

I could not see, and I could barely hear, save for my own harsh breathing. But I could feel. I could Malkar’s hands like silk, running up and down my back, tracing the scars, the old palimpsest of pain. I could feel his body arching against me, his bulk, his heat. I felt his hands slide under my hips, stroking, exciting, felt the stiffness of him against my thigh. Pain, then, but not too much. Pain … and arousal all woven together like a tapestry. I was moaning, gasping; the only word I could form were “Please, Malkar, please, lease,” and I didn’ tknow if I was begging him to stop or continue. Not that it would made the slightest difference either way.

Let’s pin our colours to the mast here. That’s beautiful. Terrible, but beautiful and absolutely literary in its unrealness. It’s also about as accurate a portrayal of sexual abuse than St Sebastian up there is of martyrdom. Perhaps I’m just an irredeemable sicko but I’m pretty sure it’s there, to an extent, to be enjoyed, partially as spectacle (straight women do not generally write about beautiful gay boys sexing each other manipulatively because it’s a Serious Social Issue) and, also, partially as vindication for all the crappy things that have been done to innumerable female characters in a seventy years of fantasy fiction. I’m not, of course, advocating backlash (more manrape!) but there is something compelling and, even perhaps comforting, in characters like Felix, Alec and friends, these beautiful men, who are as sexually vulnerable as women, suffer and fear the sort of things women suffer and fear, and are very much created to be subjects of an extra-textual female gaze and the intra-textual male gaze. I’m not saying that men don’t get raped and looked at, but the sheer saturation is demonstrably less. I am not trying to say that what happens to Felix at the start of Melusine isn’t dreadful. It is. But it’s a literary violation, and it reduces him to a literary madness that is as terrible and as beautiful as the horror that creates it.

But let’s talk about gang rape. Now there’s something you don’t say everyday.

The scene itself written in a very similar style – opulent, not too explicit although more explicit than above, and contains the same awkward issues of dubious consent. In Melusine, Felix chooses to go to Malkar in a fit of self loathing. In Corambis he agrees theoretically to an orgy in order to raise money for Mildmay’s medical treatment. In both cases what ends up happening to him is far more devastating than what he originally signed up for but, equally, there’s an element of complicity to it. If you return to your abusive master, expect to get abused. If you agree to be the centerpiece of an orgy, expect to get fucked. This abject stupidity is granted a psychological plausibility because Felix is a messed up little bunny, with a supposedly tragic conviction of his own profound worthlessness.

Obviously I don’t want to get into real issues here, but I think the reason the dubious consent became one of the bothering aspects of the scene in Corambis is that the sex abuse came plot-approved. I mean, if Felix was walking down the street and happened to get jumped and gang raped by a bunch of guys I think many a reader might rightly cry “Sarah Monette, what the fuck?” as there are very few occasions in which it is either appropriate or necessary to get one of your characters gang raped. But this way he has a “real” reason to put himself voluntarily into a position where he might be. It’s even, perhaps, meant to be on some level noble – in a hopelessly fucked up way, of course. So what you end up with is a deeply uncomfortable situation in which everything conspires, including (conveniently) Felix himself, to create a scenario in which a horrible but beautifully written gang rape is, to an extent, okay. And this is where the aesthetic of suffering starts to come apart at the seams.

Essentially this scene falls right into the uncanny valley. If it was purely designed for titillation I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but as it is there are elements are titillation and elements of horror. We are meant to be shocked and appalled – and it is shocking and appalling – but it’s framed in such a way that we are simultaneously liberated to relish the aesthetic. And quite frankly that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think there’s something profoundly hypocritical and, indeed, deeply disturbing in the idea of enjoying both moral outrage and illicit sexual excitement (see Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse). The scene bears all the hallmarks of erotic non-con (there are elements of psychological exposure as well as physical, the victim is physically aroused throughout, the abusers are appreciative of his beauty and his apparent eagerness, and so on and so forth) but worked through a guilt-appeasing filter of “oh gosh, isn’t this terrible.”

My ankles were still chained and somebody had me scruffed like a kitten; I was keening in protest, but I was dragged upright, forced to straddle someone’s thighs, while he continued fucking me with the same relentless steadiness. I was displayed for all of them, my arousal jutting out shamelessly, the tear tracks on my face attesting to my weakness.

Now, I know that, unlike erotic non-con, Felix is not secretly into what’s being done to him and that he’s breaking and being broken here but you still have a scene that’s running in two directions simultaneously and trying to have its cake and eat it. It goes out of its way to tick the non-con wink-wink boxes but then slaps you face in the face with its insistence that this a terrible and traumatic event. Essentially you can’t have a gorgeously written gang rape that positions itself within a carefully constructed aesthetic framework and a psychologically accurate and traumatic portrait of a terrible ordeal.

And, ultimately, I guess you have to ask yourself if it’s okay to have an aesthetic gang rape scene full stop. The idea bothers me less as pornography but here, I would argue, that it gains an added erotic piquancy from the fact it really is annihilating Felix, which, again is troublesome. Essentially it’s why raping Clarissa is so much more interesting than raping Justine, and why it’s all right to get off on the latter and not the former.

The more I’ve thought about this and tried to articulate my issues with it, the more complex and convoluted it has become. There is, of course, an element of the purely personal about – I didn’t like it and it upset me – as well as these more abstract, intellectualizations of it. I dug around on Monette’s Livejournal – on which is usually charming and sensible – to see what I could find and, lo and behold, she has written quite comprehensively on the subject, which I shall now quote pretty much in its entirety:

I knew from very early on that Felix was going to turn back to prostitution to get the money for a doctor for someone he loved (I knew this was going to happen before I knew Mildmay existed), and I knew that he was going to end up in a situation that was completely out of his control and that hurt him badly. Because Felix is reckless and self-destructive and because under all his vanity, he doesn't think he's worth protecting. And because it is a kind of answering horror to his being raped by Malkar at the beginning of Mélusine. And because he needed something that would force him to confront these issues--force him to see that he doesn't deserve to be abused--and it had to be something superlatively unbearable if it was going to get through to him, because Felix has way too much experience at ignoring his own pain.

Say what? So it’s redemptive gang rape, the sort makes you a stronger and better person? What … the … fuck? It’s like those Hollywood amnesia plotlines (one blow to the head gives you amnesia, another blow cures it) except with sexual abuse. I know, again, we’re operating in a fictional sphere but this is so made of wrong that I’ll just content myself with linking to Dan’s article on

the victim dilemma

and throw my hands up in despair.

I quite enjoy Monette’s aestheticisation of suffering, I could probably navigate the uncanny valley if I really had to but I am sick to death of male fantasy writers using sexual abuse as a textual shortcut for character development and I’m damned if I’m going to deal with women doing the same thing. Sarah Monette, you are better than this.

Sexual abuse is not good for you. It happens and people react. Constantly depicting characters who react to it in courageous and life-enhancing ways is not empowering, it’s fucking demeaning to people who struggle along every day as best they can.

I’m sure in a different time in a different mood I’ll pick up Corambis again and I’ll get to page 152 and I’ll shrug and go “gang rape, meh” and read right on.

But not today.Themes:

Damage Report

Books

Sarah Monette

Sci-fi / Fantasy

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~Comments (

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)

Arthur B

at 14:44 on 2009-04-27It's depressing when series go south like this. It's especially annoying when they burn down the virtues of the earlier volumes. I was looking at your first Monette review and you were saying how you were impressed by the fact that Felix was gay, but it kind of wasn't a big deal; I'm getting the impression that as the series goes on that becomes less true, since that LJ extract makes it sounds like Monette intended all along to reduce Felix to a weepy gay man being abused by angry gay men. (If I'm interpreting that right - if Felix pimping himself out predates the existence of Mildmay, that means that Monette was planning to make this happen since before the first book, right?)

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Wardog

at 15:11 on 2009-04-27Mmm, that's part of the problem though. I don't actually think it's "gone south" - despite the Xtreme angst I was quite absorbed until page 152. It was merely that scene that tripped me out. I'm sure if I could put it behind me and just get on with the book, I'd probably really like it.

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Rude Cyrus

at 20:32 on 2009-04-27Great, now I need a shower.

While I suppose rape can be presented as being aesthetically pleasing, like in erotic non-con, I still don't like it. I've always found consenting sex between happy, willing partners infinitely more pleasurable -- don't ask me why. This sort of stuff just makes my skin crawl.

What's funny is that I can make it through The 120 Days of Sodom without blinking, but I think that's because De Sade insisted on using the driest, most tortured language possible.

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Wardog

at 21:15 on 2009-04-27Sorry Cyrus. I'm not sure but I think it's probably easier to be into erotic non-con / rape fantasy if you're a woman than a man, either because you're more likely to imagine yourself as the rapee rather than the rapist which is slightly easier to deal with morally speaking or because the world seems generally reluctant to admit that women can rape people too. Whereas if you're a man who fantasies about forcing women to have sex with him ... well ... hostility many ensue from quarters unwilling to concede the very real difference between fantasy, reality and simulated non-con.

Hmm, I think the thing about 120 Days of Sodom is that, as you say, it's incredibly dull. And de Sade is a terrible writer. There's only one thing worse than a rape scene and that's a badly written rape scene!

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Arthur B

at 21:18 on 2009-04-27I do wonder sometimes whether deSade was an early pen-and-paper troll. Most of his books seem to be the literary equivalent of telling someone a particular link goes to an interesting and thought-provoking philosophy website when actually it points to goatse or 2girls1cup.

I mean, he went to jail for it, but you have to make sacrifices for "the lulz", as I believe the young people call it these days.

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http://roisindubh211.livejournal.com/

at 02:43 on 2009-04-28"Constantly depicting characters who react to it in courageous and life-enhancing ways is not empowering, it’s fucking demeaning to people who struggle along every day as best they can."

I have to disagree here- not with the point you make, but with the accusation being levelled at Monette. Felix has spent three books getting abused and every reaction to it has been, basically, "I was right all along, I am worthless. Hmmm, should I hurt myself again or just re-alienate everyone who cares about me tonight?" The enormity of the gang-rape is something he's not prepared to consider his just desserts, and it isn't the only influence on his growth as a person. A lot has to do with having Mildmay -who has been developing his own self-confidence, on his own, without the help of shitty things happening to him- be there for him and push and push to get him (Felix) not to hurt himself any more.

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Wardog

at 09:13 on 2009-04-28

The enormity of the gang-rape is something he's not prepared to consider his just desserts, and it isn't the only influence on his growth as a person.

I do see your point and I wasn't really dissing Monette, who I actually adore. There was just something about this scene, or the way it was presented, or *something* that was a bridge too far for me. And at first I was inclined to just ignore it and tell myself to stop being a wuss and then I got interested in *why* this scene was so problematic and, secondarily, I realised that, on a wider level, it should probably be okay to stand up and say "for me, this gang rape is not okay."

I will at some point finish Corambis, because I have *hugely* enjoyed the Doctrine of Labyrinths quartet (I have some reviews knocking around here in which I give much sweet sweet love), I think I just need some time to get away from the gang rape.

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Wardog

at 09:29 on 2009-04-28

I do wonder sometimes whether deSade was an early pen-and-paper troll

Dan and I like the idea of historical trolls, and also explains the Marquis far more than most of pop-psych nonsense I've read does =P

Lucifer, of course, would be the first troll - complaining about the mods.

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http://miss-morland.livejournal.com/

at 11:54 on 2009-04-28*giggles at the thought of de Sade and Lucifer as trolls*

I haven't read Monette's books, but I still found this post very interesting - it articulates my issues with non-con and dub-con in fiction very well. (I do wonder, though, if ambiguous portrayals of rape scenes are sometimes meant to make the readers think and question their own attitudes, instead of jumping to the safe reaction of 'OMG so horrible'?)

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Dan H

at 14:25 on 2009-04-28

I do wonder, though, if ambiguous portrayals of rape scenes are sometimes meant to make the readers think and question their own attitudes, instead of jumping to the safe reaction of 'OMG so horrible'?)

You might well be right, but even if that is the intent, it's a deeply flawed one.

Perhaps I'm just an arrogant shit, but I really hate it when people try to make me think about stuff unless it's in a medium *specifically designed* for that.

If you want to challenge my preconceptions about rape, write a book that is *about* challenging my preconcieved notions about rape. Don't try to do it in the middle of a fantasy series that is mostly about hot gay wizards gettin' it on.

If I want to have my ideas about absuse challenged, I'll read Lolita, or possibly I'll track down some abuse-survivors' weblogs. I won't read an otherwise ordinary fantasy novel or, for that matter, watch

Dollhouse

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Dan H

at 16:05 on 2009-04-28

The enormity of the gang-rape is something he's not prepared to consider his just desserts

I can't speak for Kyra, but the problem I have with this is that it suggests, falsely, that the more traumatic an experience is the less likely you are to blame yourself for it. I'm by no means an expert on the subject of abuse survival but from my limited experience people's tendency to self-blame for things is wholly unrelated to the severity of the abuse suffered. For that matter, the whole idea of rating abuse experiences in order of severity is a bit of a dodgy precedent.

Essentially I think there's an important, and worrying, difference between "Felix has experienced things like this before but, because he has grown as a person, and because of the influence of Mildmay, he does not blame himself for this experience" and "Felix has experienced things like this before but, because this experience is so much worse than the others, he cannot blame himself for it".

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http://sistermagpie.livejournal.com/

at 21:38 on 2009-05-01I haven't read this last book yet, but I'm glad for the heads-up. Having read the other 3 I can definitely see how this kind of thing would play, and I'm not surprised that she'd planned something like this from the beginning. It does make you think thought, about the idea that this character is constantly going through situations like this, and it's finally when he acheives the kind of abuse he might have always thought would be what he deserved, that he realizes he didn't deserve it. Even if Mildmay and other experiences are also part of his turnaround, I don't know whether that kind of catalyst will click for me the way another one might.

Like, rather than having him be in a situatio that's the same as before, but with one clear difference that makes him see it clearly, it's almost like Helen Keller at the well. Repeated fingerspelling over and over and finally he gets it.

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Wardog

at 15:28 on 2009-05-11I lost this temporarily in the deluge of comments about other things.

It is possible I've over-reacted to the gang rape; I suppose responses to these sort of motifs are always going to be extremely personal. I feel almost hypocritical because, as you say, there's plenty of indication previously that we were on the Sex Abuse Superhighway and something like this was probably bound to happen. But the way it's framed and written, combinated with its narrative function as a catalyst for change really really squicked me out. I know it's not necessarily meant to be psychologically plausible but there's something deeply worrying in the idea that there is a scale of sexual abuse, the extreme end of which teaches you self respect.

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valse de la lune

at 14:04 on 2011-07-12I tracked down

this interview

and I'm now extremely, thoroughly grossed out with Sarah Monette:

I think this does happen to gay male protagonists (the most obvious example is Mercedes Lackey's Last Herald-Mage books). And I think Felix does fall into this trap to a certain extent, although in my defense I will say that the reason he gets raped is because I was interested in the tension inherent in a character who could be both rapist and victim. Which could have been a woman, or a heterosexual man, but it was most obvious and easiest to mobilize with a gay man. I also chose a gay male protagonist because my abiding interest is in the power dynamics of human relationships, especially sexual relationships, and it is VERY VERY HARD to write about that with a heterosexual female protagonist without pigeon-holing her and yourself into either a re-inscription of patriarchal gender roles (male dominant, female submissive) or a simple gender reversal (female dominant, male submissive) (which I did work with some in my novella, "A Gift of Wings," in The Queen in Winter). A lesbian relationship is also a possibility, but it's far more interesting and attention-grabbing to take power away from a man than it is to give power to a woman. [...] Also, because we live in a patriarchal society and have for several thousand years, there's nothing new or shocking about the idea that women are victims. (I'm not saying this is a good thing, mind you.) You can get more narrative charge out of victimizing a man and you aren't reinscribing the same old gender role patterns into that ever deeper groove of men act and women suffer.

What the fuck, Monette? My word, lesbian relationships aren't just ~hawt~ enough unlike slender

yaoi stereotypes

wizards sexing it up and... female empowerment is just too boring? Female victimization is just too

banal

to write about so gay men being degraded (and in this case, often raped by women) has more "narrative charge"? There's also something toward the end that basically goes "well, if you are writing about male rape it's super

titillating

shocking so people will recognize RAPE IS HORRIBLE whereas women being raped is just so

every day

so... hey, manpain! That'll get people

thinking

, right? Right!"

I don't know, all of this reads like the slash fangirl's justification why she's not interested in writing girls but wants to write hot boys instead, all disguised under a pretend layer of ~*soshul justeese*~.

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Wardog

at 23:33 on 2011-07-12Oh dear. I'm actually really annoyed with myself that it took me to Book IV to unpack what was going on with the, err, sexay mainpain and all the arse rape. I did quite like Monette initially - I think partially because when I first read Melusine I was still under the impression that gay characters were pretty rare in fantasy. To give Monette credit, when she actually bothers to be interested in them, she does write interesting female characters - I mean I *loved* Mehitabel from this series.

I think what freaks me out the most is that, as you observe, it's blatant titillation under the label of trangression. I have no problems with people getting their kicks from whatever they get their kicks from, as long as it's a carefully demarcated fantasy space, but pretending it's anything else is deeply toxic.

Also that interview was just awful :(

Maybe it's just because it doesn't apply to me but I don't understand why so many women find two dudes so unbelievably hawt but two women apparently tedious. Ho hum.

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valse de la lune

at 05:06 on 2011-07-13I think gay characters are still pretty rare in fantasy, but the gay dudes all seem to come from the same wellspring of fanfic tropes. I've read all the arguments as to why dudeslash is a female-positive space that enables women to explore their sexuality and I do get some of it, but I can't shake the feeling that so much of that is hot air; no matter how hard a slash fan argues I can't really see how spamming rape at gay dudes is particularly, y'know, feminist. Maybe it plays with power dynamics and whatnot but, on the other hand,

rape culture

I don't get the thing with YAY HAWT BOYS EWW GIRLS ARE BORING either, though it's been explained to me that most female characters aren't decently written so people'd sooner generate fanfic about boys instead. But that doesn't fly because fandom churns out great volumes of fanfic dedicated to minor male characters, even though some of them barely have a presence in the book/show/movie--see Figwit of the LOTR movies fame--whereas women, primary or tertiary, still get written out or villified. There are even

bingo cards

. Somewhere in that

a valid clause regarding how we're trained to look at media through male gateways thanks to patriarchy and we internalize that. Still don't get it on a personal level because I've always preferred female characters over male, but there it goes.

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Melissa G.

at 06:30 on 2011-07-13

Maybe it's just because it doesn't apply to me but I don't understand why so many women find two dudes so unbelievably hawt but two women apparently tedious. Ho hum.

Speaking as a straight woman who gets paid to translate yaoi, I can understand that pretty well. :-) It's not that I find girls boring as characters, but as someone who isn't sexually attracted to women, I find myself gravitating toward situations where I can look at/write about two sexy boys instead if I'm looking for smexy times. (Though I'm very, very picky these days about yaoi because of tropes I'm sure I've mentioned before.)

I feel some sympathy for Monette because I do have a hard time verbalizing my tastes without resorting to those same basic arguments about power play or feeling the need to judge the female character and how she is portrayed specifically because she's female (which I wish I didn't, but I do so...). What I find odd is the fact that everyone insists on asking me *why* I find male-on-male romance so appealing, and then I'm stuck in this hem-hawing, putting-on-airs defense because I'm too embarrassed to just go, "Two guys doing stuff to each other is hot?"

(Uh-oh, now I'm having Dorian Gray flashbacks. Oh, Ben Barnes, you scamp, you!!)

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Steve Stirling at 07:07 on 2011-07-13

I don't get the thing with YAY HAWT BOYS EWW GIRLS ARE BORING either

-- you get exactly the same in reverse from male writers a lot, so I don't see that there's any mystery about it.

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valse de la lune

at 07:20 on 2011-07-13I don't think Kyra's asking "why male-on-male?" but more "why do people find women inexplicably boring?"

but as someone who isn't sexually attracted to women, I find myself gravitating toward situations where I can look at/write about two sexy boys instead if I'm looking for smexy times.

That doesn't make sense to me because, even outside of sexual context, a lot of slashers just don't want to write women period and I'm sure we don't always only write about what's sexually/romantically attractive to us (or no straight man would ever write male characters).

It also doesn't really answer why women are so villified and hated by fandom at large: why people like Monette believe "it's more interesting to take power away from a man than to give power to a woman," or why slash is passed off as some wonderful female-positive space when it involves a lot of female-negative things, including but not limited to slut-shaming and othering women. Ogle hot boys, whatever (but even so, why so much fucking rape all the fucking time? Why the infantilizing tropes?). But I think you can do that without contributing to misogyny and rape culture.

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Steve Stirling at 07:24 on 2011-07-13

I don't think Kyra's asking "why male-on-male?" but more "why do people find women inexplicably boring?"

-- I don't. I actually had to start flipping coins at one point to make sure my characters weren't predominantly female.

Maybe it's because I was in single-sex schools for a lot of my adolescence, but I just find women more interesting than men. More complex and variable, on average.

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Steve Stirling at 07:38 on 2011-07-13

Ogle hot boys, whatever (but even so, why so much fucking rape all the fucking time? Why the infantilizing tropes?). But I think you can do that without contributing to misogyny and rape culture.

-- I don't read much (any, really) slash, but the actually-published equivalents like the book described here don't seem particularly misogynist to me. Just obsessed with Hot Boys in Chains.

As for the rape and stuff, a lot of people get off on that. Trying to tell people that the sexual fantasies which ring their chimes aren't permissible is roughly equivalent to trying to scold water until it voluntarily runs uphill. Much effort, little result.

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valse de la lune

at 07:45 on 2011-07-13

I don't. I actually had to start flipping coins at one point to make sure my characters weren't predominantly female.

Thank you, Minority Warrior, but if you are a bloke that's not exactly addressed to you.

I don't read much (any, really) slash, but the actually-published equivalents like the book described here don't seem particularly misogynist to me. Just obsessed with Hot Boys in Chains.

I've only read the first book and the gang-rape scene in the fourth, but a lot of the women in this series like to rape gay men for some strange reason.

Melusine

opens with an anecdote about the pure, true love between men. Two women get between it; one proceeds to rape one of the men repeatedly until he wants to kill himself. So, yes, both fandom slash and published slash perpetuate a lot of the same crap. Then there's Monette's interview and strange leaps of illogic which read sexist as hell to me.

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Melissa G.

at 08:48 on 2011-07-13

I can't speak to that. I don't know why so many writers are so anti-female characters, and it would take me pages of musing to try and come to a conclusion. I was referring specifically to sexual situations (by which I mean stories centering on sex) because the comment I was particularly responding to was "why do so many women find two dudes so unbelievably hot but two women apparently tedious". Which I read as "why do so many women love writing about two guys (sexually) but find writing about two women so boring (sexually)". Perhaps I misinterpreted what Kyra was saying. I stated clearly that I don't find women boring as characters to read and write about, but that I understand why many women gravitate toward male homosexual relationships and why they might find it arousing when they are writing merely to titillate themselves/others.

I haven't read the series in question so I take everyone's word for it that the rape isn't handled well and misogyny abounds. And trust me, I'm the first person to get fed up with the kind of tropes male-on-male stuff tends to come with - especially when written by someone who's probably never even spoken to a gay man before. I got fed up with one author in particular because her protagonists kept falling for their rapists, yuck. But just because a lot of it sucks and perpetuates some seriously shitty stuff doesn't mean that it's not okay to find guy-on-guy stuff hot. And I really don't appreciate being made to feel like because I like it, I am somehow in danger of losing my feminist card.

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valse de la lune

at 09:57 on 2011-07-13I don't think I have been suggesting that if you like slash, you're in danger of losing your feminist cred; being a feminist doesn't exactly mean everything you consume must be feminist, after all, and we all enjoy things that are problematic to some degree. I just don't like how it's put forward as a YAY WOMEN field when it's not really. Likewise, I've been shouted down in fandom spaces for calling out misogyny in slash, something along the line of

you will find it is you who is misogyny

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valse de la lune

at 10:06 on 2011-07-13(Sorry that I'm coming down harshly such that you feel you're being discredited as a feminist, though.)

One more thing--I've been told over and over that there is a strong presence of queer women in slash circles, so for some it's not so much a matter of "I'm straight so more cocks yay!!!" In fact, with so many queer women around--so many lesbians even--you'd think there would be more F/F fanfic. But there isn't, so...

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Melissa G.

at 10:23 on 2011-07-13

I don't think I have been suggesting that if you like slash, you're in danger of losing your feminist cred

I think I was responding defensively to this comment:

Ogle hot boys, whatever (but even so, why so much fucking rape all the fucking time? Why the infantilizing tropes?). But I think you can do that without contributing to misogyny and rape culture.

It basically felt to me like my entire sexual preference/fetish/whatever was being boiled down to "ogling hot boys". It’s those kinds of dismissive, judgmental comments that make me feel like I need to somehow justify what I find arousing. That’s why you have people arguing that it’s pro-women or empowering or whatever to write and read man-on-man love stories. When an attraction is called into question, I think often women in particular feel the need to base that attraction in something intellectual and philosophical. Because it would be wrong for a woman to just find something titillating or arousing. Because women aren’t supposed to like sex just for sex.

I think there are ways that it can be empowering (I wouldn't go so far as to say 'feminist'), but most of it fails in this regard. For me, when I read a story with a male bottom that I can relate to as far as sexual behavior, it makes me feel less weird. There's something freeing about the behavior being related to the position and not the gender, for me anyway. I think that also relates to why an author might find it more interesting (and by interesting I mean because they find it hot) to take power away from men. For some women who are attracted to men, there is something very fascinating and seductive about a man submitting (either sexually or emotionally), probably because it's something so commonly associated with female behavior. So again, it becomes less of a gender thing and more of a relationship role thing. If that makes any sense....

I just don't like how it's put forward as a YAY WOMEN field when it's not really.

I totally understand that. I actually avoid fan written slash like the plague because most of it is just not good. Most of it is (I think) influenced by yaoi, which oh dear god, has such problems. There is so much rape and questionable consent and a lot of "I'm only gay for that guy" and such overly traditional female behavior (even though one of them is male, go figure). And the kind of people you've probably argued with are likely the kind of people who make me afraid to admit I'm part of the yaoi subculture.

But there is good stuff out there. I promise. :-)

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Melissa G.

at 10:26 on 2011-07-13

Sorry, I made my long post before I saw this! That is odd. Why don't they focus on yuri? Yuri is slowly becoming a more female dominated genre. It's kind of cool actually that the female authors are slowly co-opting a genre that was once basically male-written lesbian porn for men. To each their own, I guess?

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valse de la lune

at 10:59 on 2011-07-13

It basically felt to me like my entire sexual preference/fetish/whatever was being boiled down to "ogling hot boys".

But... I said that because I think it's pretty dandy if you're just in it for the ogling of hot boys, or balls being cupped gently, or even self-lubing anuses. I don't think you, or anyone else, need to justify it any further than that. Think it's hot? Go for it! That's excellent. Objectifying

men

in and of itself, separate from the concern over straight people fetishizing homosexuality, doesn't really bother me. I'm not questioning the appeal of slash: I'm questioning some of the tropes, the homophobia, the misogyny. Which certainly aren't universal, but there sure is a lot of them to go around. Hell, gay male characters written by straight men also get raped an awful lot (hi Richard Morgan, thank you for that graphic schoolboy gang rape).

Disclosure: I think lesbians are awesome. I'd like to read more stuff with lesbian representation. Being homoromantic does have something to do with it, though.

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Melissa G.

at 11:11 on 2011-07-13

:-) I think it just came off as hostile because of the swearing, lol. To be honest, I was probably overly defensive because it's kind of a touchy thing for me.

I'm not questioning the appeal of slash: I'm questioning some of the tropes, the homophobia, the misogyny.

Yes, I'm with you here. I have a lot of trouble with a lot of boy/boy stuff that's out there.

Re: Lesbians

If you're looking to try out some yuri, I can lead you to some scanlation sites. I haven't read much yuri so I can't totally vouch for the content, but these are sites that I know of:

Lililicious

Payapaya

Just be sure to check for ratings and such. There was one on Lilicious I read years ago that I was enjoying.

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valse de la lune

at 11:14 on 2011-07-13OMG yay :D :D :D Thanks for the links. My friend's been sending me some too. I'm also quite pleased to see that a lot of yuri writers are female. Awesome.

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Cammalot

at 15:23 on 2011-07-13I JUST WANNA WATCH DUDES EMOTE. ;-)

I actually got into yaoi (not slash for whatever reason) because I was attracted to what I thought was the innate equality in such a a relationship. There are a variety of reasons I don't really seek out much fanfic anymore (one of which is the decade-plus that has gone by) but one of them is that I don't really see that equality getting embraced. (I'm necessarily truncating this, I have to imitate being a productive employee at the moment.)

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Melissa G.

at 19:40 on 2011-07-13

I JUST WANNA WATCH DUDES EMOTE. ;-)

Ooh, yes, good observation. I like that too.

I actually got into yaoi (not slash for whatever reason) because I was attracted to what I thought was the innate equality in such a a relationship.

Ditto. That's what I really like about it too, which is why I hate when they skew the power dynamic too far in one direction without somehow compensating for it in another way. I've never been into fanfic, but I do love doujinshi.

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Cammalot

at 19:48 on 2011-07-13I wrote up this whole long comment yesterday, but today with you guys' further conversation I realized I was addressing something that Pyro was not talking about, so I'm tweaking, but I don't think I'll have a chance to get to it today.

The extremely short version is that there's a very definite blockage that some women seem to have about writing women, and I had it myself for some time (and that some more extreme versions of it outright baffle me), and have spent a lot of time trying to process, discuss, and debate what the fuck that is about. With theories. I have theories.

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Melissa G.

at 19:53 on 2011-07-13

The extremely short version is that there's a very definite blockage that some women seem to have about writing women,

Definitely noticed this myself at times. I gravitate toward writing male characters, or at least I used to. I'm very interested to hear your theories whenever you find the time to write them up. :-)

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Sister Magpie

at 20:07 on 2011-07-13

I would guess that that's probably not all that related to the whole "that's my kink" thing, only not all kinks are sexual. That is, expecting them to explain it would probably be similar to having anybody explain why they find one thing more hot than another.

For instance, I like het and I like slash, but there are certain kinds of stories that could definitely be considered non-sexual kinks that I am more likely to read about in a m/m pairing than a f/m pairing or f/f pairing. I suppose I could try to relate it to power issues with gender IRL, but it's probably more just a kink if it's something I've pretty much always been drawn to.

I don't find that rape or "I'm only gay for that guy" seems to dominate most of the slash I come across, but I think that might often come down to different pairings leaning towards different dynamics. Or else also some authors being better than most.

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Steve Stirling at 22:44 on 2011-07-13Pyrofennec:

-of the women in this series like to rape gay men for some strange reason.Melusine opens with an anecdote about the pure, true love between men. Two women get between it; one proceeds to rape one of the men repeatedly until he wants to kill himself.

-- that is odd. I'd say it was evidence of misogyny if a guy wrote it, but I have trouble -imagining- a guy writing it, even a gay man. You'd need a very strange set of quirks to do so.

#Ferretbrain #Corambis #Sarah Monette #Wardog

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findsomeoneelse · 6 years ago

Text

This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do.

And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores.

I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here).

That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.

I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think.

I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have.

My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don’t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

#personal rant #family drama #don't read if you dont want to #long post

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therron-shan · 7 years ago

Text

Some thoughts on Scourge

Cause eh why not he's been on my brain a lot lately soooo here goes.

(And I mean it should go w/o saying but maybe it doesn't but this obvs all my headcanoning. If you don't agree with this that is absolutely totally okay. I just wanted to get my thoughts out there because i dunno why. Anyway. Also fair warning this is probably gonna be disjointed and all over the place and I'll try to keep it cohesive but no promises lol.)

(Includes minor, barely spoilers from the Revan novel. Gets a lil NSFW at the bottom).

So Scourge. I'm excited for the romance. Like way excited. And from what I've read of the datamined stuff - I, personally, think it fits him. I mean shit 300 years with no senses or humanity could probably really change a person. Yes before the ritual he was a dick. For a lot of reasons. I mean my main complaint with the Revan book (among many others) was that Scourge barely differs from the Scourge we meet in game. Like he has the same basic emotions and that's it. He's not all that different. Anyway the point is Scourge before ritual = dick. Scourge after ritual = dick but not as bad. He sees how the Sith are destroying themselves and he refuses to take part in it. He doesn't manipulate the JK - he comes right out and is like "I'm only saving your life and the lives of your crew because you're gonna defeat the Emperor." There's no tricking, no back-stabbing. Because he's grown up. He's been through 300 years watching so many powerful Sith fall to manipulation and backstabbing and trickery and he's tired of it. It's stupid and what does it accomplish? Nothing. (Though I will concede and say I can possibly see all his little quips about the Jedi being manipulation. Liiike "I understand why your council controls you. What I'll never understand is why you let them" or whatever the line is. Buuuut to be devil's advocate which is me all of the time I could also see that simply being a curious Scourge making comments. He's never spent this much time with a Jedi before. Never really had the chance to learn about the Order. You know? Anyway.)

Oppositely, he thought the Jedi were stupid too (for good reason but that's another convo for another day). Yet he doesn't go out of his way to change the JK's mind about Sith or Jedi. He may offer to teach them things about the dark side or make comments about the Jedi but that's all. Another neat thing I've noticed while playing an Aurelia recently. Scourge approves of you killing everyone because it's the dark side choice but in several moments he's like "just get it over with and let's move on". In the Revan book he was very - sadistic. Like a Sith should be (or so we're supposed to believe). He liked torture. Brutally killing his enemies, even weak-ass rebels who never stood a chance. Even after retaining anger (which is shown at several points in chapter three of the JK story; the one that sticks with me the most is Scourge swearing to the JK that the Emperor "will pay for what he's taken from me", or something to that effect [I believe it's the convo in which he discusses his first love and all that kind of stuff.]) he still is like "kill blah-blah-blah and move on." Which shows growth again.

Now on to romantic Scourge.

I disagree with some of the stuff going around about how a romantic relationship with Scourge would be possessive and abusive. Perhaps before the ritual, yes. But he's almost 350 years old by now. And more than 300 of those years were spent without humanity. He spent them watching his people, learning their flaws and downfalls. He spent them wishing he could eat his favorite foods and see the color of his first love's eyes again. That's sentimentality right there. Something that not all Sith have. He's grown up a bit more and I think after not having these emotions for so long he wouldn't take them for granted. He wouldn't take a relationship for granted. And yes a relationship with Scourge would be intense. Definitely sexually. I mean the dude is massive. Probably almost 7 feet tall. Things are gonna get rough. Plus after being forced to be celibate for three hundred years - I think the JK could expect several weeks/months of fucking to get it out of his system. But that doesn't mean he'll be abusive/possessive. I mean jesus. Sith can love. Darth Malgus fell in love. Serevin fell in love with that Voss lady (I think). Lana. The sith warrior and the inquisitor. Just because you're a big bad Sith doesn't mean you can't love. And it doesn't mean you can't love someone purely (and lemme just say I am in no way saying the feelings Malgus had for Elena were pure. Like no. Ick). The ability to love someone doesn't necessarily make you this cinnamon roll. For instance, look at Lana. She loves the Commander (if you choose to romance her of course). It isn't abusive or possessive yet she still kicks ass and is generally speaking dark sided. So I don't think a relationship with Scourge would be abusive and toxic. Intense? Yes. Would he have issues with all of his feelings in the beginning? Absolutely. But would he be grossly possessive of the JK? No way. He knows the JK is their own person (which is why he approves of them saying stuff about being their own person in chapter three. Whether that's about Jedi or the Emperor). And since he loves them he wouldn't try to control or manipulate them. Because he knows it won't work. Independence is a trait he's admired and respected in his Jedi for years and he would never take that away from them.

Jesus. This got long lmao sorry. And honestly I think I'm just trying to justify the fluffy Scourge I write. But here you goooo. This was fun lol. ❤

#i honestly love exploring his character #and i love all of the different headcanons and opinions there are #but this is mine #because poor scourge deserves love and happiness #swtor #lord scourge

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elizabethrobertajones · 7 years ago

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You know, I desperately want Destiel to be end game as much as anybody, but somedays I think I would just be content if the show just textually acknowledged that Dean's bi. Something as simple as a dude at a bar asking Dean to come home w/ him while they're on a case and Dean saying something like "any other day I'd take you up on that but I can't tonight." IDK the subtext that Dean is bi is strong enough that I can't say the GA would be shocked by it and it would just be a nice textual nugget.

Hey, sorry it took so long to answer this, I’ve not been at my best for ages… Been thinking about this all week though :P

I think it feels to me like the general audience can discard or mentally discredit an AWFUL lot of implication and direct hints - there have been comments and moments in many bits of media which imply directly or with heavy innuendo that a character may be interested in a non-hetero way to someone - especially things like teasy moments…

Thinking of things like in HIMYM there’s an ongoing joke about Lily having a crush on Robin, but since she’s with Marshall the entire show, it doesn’t really go anywhere, and when they do kiss the dynamic swaps and Robin is left with kind of a crush on her and Lily’s over it and it’s all a joke, and even though they kissed it was a lol girls kissing is hot joke for the whole show, and it never turned into a discussion of sexuality, even if they would both happily stay married in their heterosexual marriages. (And… Uh. Robin stays married okay, I’m pretty sure that was the alternate ending in the DVD unless I hallucinated it out of sheer frustration >.>) Anyway to me it seems pretty natural to read both of them a little queer to full on bi, and if it had gone even a little bit differently Lily especially could be good representation for a bi woman in a relationship with a man who just happens to have ended up falling in love with him and that’s normal and doesn’t invalidate her sexuality? But yeah. No such nuance, so this whole thing barely registers for people and in general people would think it’s all a joke.

I mean, even Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, which is where that Getting Bi song comes from, has an episode where the main character has a huge rival-crush on the girlfriend of the guy she’s into, and gets so into her she even kisses her, but there’s no exploration of what that means to her and when her boss comes out as bi with that number, no exploration of if she might be as well, even if all these characters eventually might feel more comfortable defining themselves as straight it’s just weird to me there’s all these jokes about it which can go as far as kisses, use overly romantic language or a long-running joke of Lily heavily coming onto Robin or something, and yet unless you’re like a magpie collecting all this stuff it’s all still just noise.

I bet a ton of people would not even have considered the characters were not-straight, even when directly pointing their eyes at this moment, consider it all as a joke or that it’s just something straight people do sometimes because of the cultural massive repression of bisexuality and the indications in more liberal times and places that when polled people will be majority queer to straight with at least some bi leanings… There’s all these headlines about gen Z being the gayest generation yet, but it’s not something in the water, it’s that previous generations have never dared be as open or consider that they’re non-straight, especially if they are easily attracted to people heterosexually…

I think the Aaron scene was 90% of the way to what you are describing, minus Dean giving him a raincheck overtly, and Aaron admits it was a ruse before any further tension can follow. I think, having snooped a lot of blog archives in my time, that really was a turning point that got a lot of people convinced of the textual possibilities, especially with the director/writer commentary basically confirming it. And obviously it didn’t work to make EVERYONE see it, although fandom swelled that season and it was a very dramatic moment in the history of bi!Dean and Destiel within fandom.

To give another example from outside the show, I’ve been watching Black Sails with my friend, who is very straight in mindset, and - major spoilers for that show ahead - the main character is confirmed to be overtly queer in the middle of the second season. I think I know exactly the point I would have picked up this was a queer narrative in the first season, and what would have made me suspicious about the mysteriously un-revealed backstory. The build up to the reveal was amazing in the second season and I think if you didn’t get it you really need to do a rewatch, because my friend was utterly blindsided by the revelation, only catching on a scene before it happened (she does like guessing and is smart at TV if she knows all the cues to start with). But she’s - sorry - at sea with the character’s motivations and reasons, and understands his earlier actions almost completely backwards to me as she took him on face value for far too long without suspecting there was more than treasure and restoring his name on order, and not understanding his motives to be so political or to want to burn the entire system down or his utter alienation from the system; even after the reveal she didn’t understand the degree to which things were on the line or the forces pressuring him one way or the other.

(I find it really interesting and I’m not really disagreeing with her, I’m curious how the surface layer all reads tbh :P)

In any case, I don’t really have much confidence in a wider general audience taking throwaway moments to be full canon, and generally would need declarations and inescapable discussion or plot arcs for it. I think in some ways the trail is being blazed now - when Rosa came out as bi in b99 it had a sort of special episode educating you on it as much as being very sympathetic for bi people to watch and see literally a bulletpoint list of their issues and weird things people say about it acted out on screen. The subplot is basically the masterclass in addressing it.

(So is the Getting Bi song :P although it covers less of the issues overall, it does make it fun and normalises the idea into a dance routine and deals with someone discovering the label for themselves and being thrilled it makes their life make sense.)

I don’t think spn should do anything quite so specific or hilarious, but I love @bluestar86‘s concept of an episode which uses flashbacks to reveal Dean’s bisexuality - basically like with Robin in 9x07, but I think even just showing it was a childhood crush and he never figured it all out at the time but meeting the guy later in life makes things make a lot of sense or something… And we already have a template for that without going all the way into it with his reaction to meeting Gunnar Lawless, a childhood celebrity crush. So there’s paths to take which could do it.

But ultimately I think the issue is so messed up and tangled into the main arc that it would be next to impossible to confirm Dean is bi without having an utter drama about why not Destiel, as the two concepts are not, at this point, really separate or that you could have one without the other, though it would be easier to not address Dean’s sexuality in any way of assigning labels or having more than the immediately necessary self-reflection to deal with feelings for Cas without exploring deeper… (Not that I like that idea, it’s just, they could, you know? Not even in a “i don’t like labels” way but just something like Dean going “huh” and then getting together with Cas and literally no one ever makes a fuss or starts up a dialogue about why they’re now holding hands :P)

But it’s been such a ridiculous, epic, drawn out relationship on screen that making Dean bi independent of Cas would seem bizarre and off-balance without addressing his relationship to Cas. Just because they have such an intense relationship, and within the text of the show are many many references to their relationship on many different levels, from snide comments to enormous declarations. None of this happens in isolation to other storylines or character depth. With the momentum and depth it has in the story, making Dean bi would be seen as a precursor to Destiel, and at this point cruel and strange not to address it and would beg the question of why they ever confirmed him bi in the first place, if not to leave the ship unresolved to the end but to be open for us to imagine it might happen one day when the story is over - or not, if we don’t ship it, and it’s the way to thread a needle to try and keep everyone happy. Which I’m not sure would work except for the people who very specifically would advocate for bi Dean but don’t think a ship is necessary. I mean, I know that’s a chunk of the Dean fandom, and it’s a valid way to read the text, and of course a lot of Destiel shippers are fully aware Dean is bi without any special interference from Cas about that :P

And, I mean, in the same way, Cas’s story isn’t ALL about Dean and he has a lot of personal growth that doesn’t have to do with him or happens in spite of him in some cases. But it’s still inextricable from Cas’s character how much he loves Dean and how much Dean has meant to him, and they crossed the line of Cas loving Dean, unrequited or not, a long time ago, and Cas has been existing in a subtextual agony of being in love with Dean but seemingly unrequited for a very long time now, as that line was crossed before several season renewals made it a painful wait for him. This doesn’t exist in a void to Dean’s sexuality either.

So, I mean, I don’t know. I disagree with you about the general audience thing entirely, and I think this exchange you imagine could easily be absorbed by the GA to not really credit it as a full part of Dean’s character, laugh it off as a joke from him no matter how seriously he delivers it, and generally not remember him as a bisexual character. Because to straight viewers, they aren’t seeking out sexuality hints and confirmations, and such things don’t really affect their view of a character unless it becomes a textual romance. It has all the meaning sucked from it by their lack of interest and inability to sympathetically mould the character’s inner life based on their own experiences that match. If they’re not making a study of the character, these things can be dismissed as white noise, and in a few years time, a Buzzfeed article of “10 Pop Culture Characters You Never Knew Were Gay!” or something.

And it’s like, yes. We knew. We knew all along. We knew before it happened. But that doesn’t affect how people think of it.

So it feels to me like the only way if they wanted to make a real point of Dean being bi is to have the frank discussion, and devote a proper subplot amount of time to Dean’s sexuality, enough that it is clear and inescapably affecting him, or to confirm it via a relationship which would in this case conveniently by answered by the angel he’s been subtextually pining for for years, and who has his own arc of being pretty overtly in love with Dean to answer… should the show decide to go with addressing Dean’s sexuality, they have put a LOT of work into having this relationship ready and waiting, I’m just saying :P And if they only had an Aaron but x10 scene, it would STILL not really affect anything except layers below GA - there’ll be more queer viewers who see it for the first time, and within these four walls it will obviously never be forgotten and will be a huge part of how Dean is celebrated by fandom, but I just can’t see it making an impact unless it’s more than a passing moment, because those get swallowed by a heteronormative void…

#Asks #riverboat gambling #dean is bi #destiel

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zitavoros · 6 years ago

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6 lessons i learned in the hospital

I know it's a bit cliché to make a lessons-learned-during-a-less-than-ideal-experience type of blog, but I honestly think it's important to do it anyways. Being in the hospital is not something I was thrilled about, but I think I need to set aside the stigma and shame that comes with it and write about some stuff I learned along the way to help me reflect on life. Mental health advocacy is important, and as someone who is normally pretty open anyways, I think it’s essential that I discuss it and give my takeaways for people that may not understand what it’s like to struggle with mental health.

Here are some things I have learned along the way so far:

1: age is just a number

In the ER, the age range varied from a couple of 10-year-olds to individuals well into their 70s. I was not as surprised at the people on the older side of life, but was shocked to find the kids who were at- or had just barely passed through- the first decade of their lives, most of which they were infants for. A good number of them, both young and old, were struggling with mental health and suicidal ideations just as I was.

Looking at the children in the ER, I suddenly better understood the number of nurses, volunteers, and elders who have told me a countless number of times that I am young, and things do get better.

I never put it into perspective, and have, for the most part, dismissed these words as a "you don't get it" sort of thing, but this shifted my understanding of mental health as well as life. Age is just a number, there are kids- children out there struggling and wanting to die, and despite me wishing for the exact same thing, I can't help but think about the lives they could live out if they got help, and how they're just so young. This was, by far, the most important thing I have learned, as it put my own struggle on a timeline by comparison.

2: you never know someone's story

This is a lesson I truly wish I could share with the nurses and hospital volunteers that I talked to. Although I know they meant all the best with their words, often the times when one would come and "cheer me up" would be the sessions I followed up with equally long bouts of crying. I ultimately wish talking with people for 3 minutes about serious topics did not give that person the idea that they can solve my life problems. A person's story cannot be fully explained in a nutshell, and is obviously more intricate than an overview.

A few of my highlights, because it's easier to show this lesson through example rather than description:

"You know what I would do? Talk to my mom. Talking to my mother always makes things a million times better, and I think you should give it a try, especially since you said you two barely speak now!"

(I do not really feel comfortable speaking to my mom due to family problems)

"Have you tried taking on an unpaid internship? Those are the new startup jobs, you can basically go anywhere from an unpaid internship, cause it truly shows you care. I'd start there if I were you!"

(I have, unfortunately, not had the chance to take on an unpaid anything, as I've been working part-time during school, full-time during the summer, along with my siblings, in order to pay for some everyday expenses)

"You think you're fat? Honey, have you seen me?"

(This is just straight-up invalidating, and does not help. Anyone can have body image issues and struggles. Medically I am on the verge of being obese. Relative to others who weigh more than me, yes, I am obviously less heavy, but that does not discount my struggle with my weight my entire life, and my struggles with my body being one key contributing factor in my suicidality & a leading cause to my depression)

3: those who you see doing great may be struggling just as much as you

This one was a difficult one to understand. There were some people in the in-patient unit who were, by all means, better than me (from my perspective) in every single way. Young, gorgeous, thin, great students, seemingly good relationships with parents, friends who came to visit, significant others, the works. It wasn't until some heavier conversations that I found that they all struggled with mental health just as much as me, and had self-esteems down in the pits. It was humbling to know that students who I would normally just pass off as neurotypical were in the same bus as I was, and we were all here for equally valid reasons.

4: the key is not about implementing all the coping mechanisms and stress-relievers, it's about finding the one that works for you

This is the main takeaway from my second round of hospitalization in the past month. When I got out, I tried to implement every last skill I had learned during my time here, and it quickly got out of hand. I was overwhelmed by my options. If I had an anxious moment, it would worsen by my list of choices of how to calm myself down. Do I cook? Do I read? Do I meditate? Take a walk? Practice deep breathing? Take a nap? Art therapy? Pet therapy? The options were so vast, I could not deal with them.

The easiest way to deal with this is to pick one. The occupational therapist gave me the suggestion to schedule one or two into the day, or even the week. Doesn't have to be everyday. Could be alternating days. You can pick your favourites, the coping skills that work and help you genuinely, and mark them down for M / W / F, and put another one down for T / Th. This specific goal is what I think is helpful to follow for those times when anxiety strikes.

5: it's easy to discuss life plans and plans for change when separated from the thick of it- a lot harder to deal with it when thrust back into the real world

You know the feeling. Maybe it's winter or summer break, and you've got a lot of time to plan. If you're an adult / not in school, maybe you're on vacation for a week, separated from work. Maybe it's a long weekend, or about to be New Years' Eve. You think to yourself, "Wow, when I get back to work I'm going to be so productive. I'm going to start working out. I'll change myself for the better, I'll eat right, I'll get to sleep on time, I'll meditate, I'll love myself, I'll care about my body, I won't put myself down."

These things are so easy to say in theory, but so much harder to actually implement in life once you're back in the midst of the everyday. When I got out of the hospital the first time, my problem was not with using coping strategies often, it was with going back to the same stress-factors that had landed me there in the first place. I was hit with the same problems: school, work, financial matters, life goals, weight problems all came crashing back and I did not know how to properly deal with it all.

It is a lot easier to discuss change in theory, but actually going after what you want is going to take time, and not everything will change overnight. I had to learn that the hard way, and have to understand that it will take time to actually feel better from medication, to lead a better life, to reach my goals, and so forth.

6: you are not cured the moment you leave

This one should be obvious, but it's been difficult coming in contact with professors and fellow students who tell me I "look better" or I look a lot happier. This is probably the hardest lesson for me to grasp. I do look better, and I am “happier” in a sense, but I am still struggling a lot more than I wish to be. I thought that as soon as I left, I was supposed to be “back to normal,” and really had a difficult time adjusting because I simply was not. I still felt lost.

I am a lot more hopeful for the future now, but will continue to speak up about mental health and be an advocate for discussing it, because the battle doesn't end the moment you step out of the constant supervision of health professionals. It's an everyday problem, not just for myself, but others as well. Although I do feel completely different than I did when I first entered, I still have a ways to go before I can say I am doing great, and mean it wholeheartedly.

#daffodil no #zita voros #zitavoros #mental health #tw: suicide #musings

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belaborthepoint · 5 years ago

Text

Coronavirus Debate Transcript

JAKE TAPPER: Let's start with you, Vice President Biden. Do you have anything constructive or helpful to say to everyone about coronavirus?

BIDEN: Well, first of all, it's bad. Second if all, go to joebiden.com, where I've laid it all out. Can't remember it right now, but I know that there's a lot of stuff written on my website. I want everyone to be able to get a test. I don't want everyone to have healthcare, but everyone can definitely know whether or not they have it. I see my time is up, but just remember to check out joshbiden.com. I mean Jonah. John. Joaquin Phoenix. What's my name again? It definitely starts with a J and has an O in there somewhere.

TAPPER: Senator Sanders, what would you do tonight to save American lives?

BERNIE: I mean, you might have heard me mention it before, but I have this little idea called 'medicare for all' that I think could be good. You know, so you can actually go to the doctor and go to the ER and go to therapy and not have crippling debt. And we need to make sure that people will be made whole if they lose their jobs.

BIDEN: Oh, good line. I'm gonna write that one down.

BERNIE: If we can put $1.5 trillion into the banking system, we can protect people's wages.

BIDEN: Look, we've done this before. Me and Barack Obama, the president under which who I was a vice president of. When the black death was happening, I mean tuberculosis, I mean chicken pox, I mean leprosy, I mean coronavirus-- wait, what's this current one called? Oh, coronavirus. Okay, when the one in Africa was happening, one that was not coronavirus, we dealt with that. EBOLA! Ebola. It was called Ebola.

DANA BASH: Vice President Biden, would you take the unprecedented step of a national lockdown?

BIDEN: I would do whatever it was that I did under the one and only president Barack W. Bush. Hoover. Adams. Jefferson. Madison. Monroe. Hold on, let me sing the Animaniacs song in my head for a second. Hmmm uhhh Obama! Barack Obama. And with all do resepct, medicare for all has nothing to do with everyone having access to healthcare. They are two completely separate issues. We should do what we did with the Ebola crisis under Barack Obama when the Ebola crisis was happening during the Ebola crisis.

BERNIE: Actually medicare for all is sort of relevant. We don't have enough doctors, ventilators, test kits, prescription drugs, or hospital beds. We have thousands of private insurance plans, we don't have a healthcare system.

BIDEN: What are you even talking about? Does anyone know what he's talking about? Stay on topic! We're talking about a global EPIDEMIC that is affecting people's HEALTH. This has NOTHING to do with HEALTHCARE. Someone reign this guy in! All we do is say, it's a crisis, you don't have to pay for anything. That simple.

BERNIE: It's not that simple though...that law has enormous loopholes and not everyone will be covered.

BIDEN: But I have a plan, and no one will have to pay for anything related to coronavirus.

BERNIE: Even if that were true, wouldn't people still need to go to the hospital for other things? If a kid broke their leg? And wouldn't people still need to go to psychologists? And wouldn't people still have all of the health problems that were happening before the pandemic that are still happening now?

BIDEN: No. People do not break legs during global crises.

BERNIE: Um...okay....also, how are we going to trust you to take on the health care industry, some of which is funding your campaign? Or the prescription drug industry, some of which is funding your campaign?

BIDEN: Look, I-- this is the Ebola crisis. I'm not going to stand here and get into a back and forth about our politics, this isn't a political debate.

BERNIE: Uh-

BIDEN: What I'm proposing is President Barack Obama's "Obamacare," as coined by President Barack Obama, the man under what I was a vice of president.

BASH: Would you deploy the U.S. military to contain the virus?

BIDEN: Yes. Just like Barack Obama and I did with the Ebola crisis.

BERNIE: Okay but this isn't Ebola. This is way more severe. We need to figure out how to get food to the elderly people who are told to stay home. We need to help the people who are in prison right now, who are in homeless shelters. We need to pay attention to the communities who are most vulnerable.

BIDEN: I think what we need most is to pay attention to the communities who are most vulnerable.

BERNIE: Yeah, I literally just said that.

BIDEN: First things first is the first thing of is surging the capability to prevent a big bump of pain, of what is the potential of causing pain in moving in the direction of making sure we have a plan to make sure it's a plan. Look, our policies have eaten up all our seed corn. We might have brick and wheat but we don't have any sheep to trade. Back in my squaredancing days we called that a jigsaw hootenanny raw dog. We're going to have to, with Trump, he's, for example, he came along and said, I've got a great idea, let's-- well, you're going to tell me...

ILIA CALDERON: Bernie, can you say something of substance?

BERNIE: Sure thing. I think Ebola--

BIDEN: He said 'Ebola' instead of 'coronavirus!!' Hahaha!!!!!

BERNIE: Coronavirus!!! I'm sorry!!! You just said 'Ebola' so many times!!

CALDERON: Can we keep this moving please?

BIDEN: We need to make sure that people will be made whole.

CALDERON: Didn't Bernie say that earlier?

BIDEN: No.

BERNIE: Yes. Yes, I did.

BIDEN: Look. What we need is to make sure that people will be made whole. Bernie keeps acting as though our current economic collapse as a result of coronavirus is somehow related to income inequality, like it somehow disproportionately affects low-income people and like this wouldn't hurt them so much if we had a more equal distribution of wealth, but what I'm saying is...huh...well, now that I think about it, that actually makes sense and is really obvious. But it is also very wrong. We need to focus on this crisis as though it's not happening in the context of an already existing economic crisis and like people weren't already struggling to stay afloat and pay medical bills. We need to talk about this as though it's this totally isolated event that has nothing to do with anything.

BERNIE: We could do that...or we could acknowledge that in addition to helping people during this crisis we also need to help them after it ends when they continue to struggle like they were before the crisis, living paycheck to paycheck and barely making ends meet. We're going to need a healthcare system that supports people once this is over.

BIDEN: But we need to address the current situation, which is a health crisis. This has nothing to do with our healthcare system. You just keep talking about all these random unrelated things, I don't even know where you get these ideas.

CALDERON: Senator Sanders, would you support bailouts for industries being crushed by the outbreak?

BERNIE: We need to stabilize the economy but we can't do what we did in 2008. We need to do more than save the banks or the oil companies. We need to help actual working people.

BIDEN: Yeah, but guess what, Bernie? If the banks went under, everyone that you claim to care about, all those little tiny miniature humans that you're so fond of, those small itty bitty bite-size people that can fit in the palm of your hand and just coochy coochy coo who's a wittle baby!! Goo goo ga ga!! Tiny wittle baby people!! They would all die, which is why we actually still need to prioritize banks over human beings anyways.

BERNIE: We can have a bailout, we just shouldn't make working people pay for it.

BIDEN: OOOOHHHhhhh OHkay!! So you just want to do like a, a uh, a WEALTH TAX or some wacky maneuver like that?? Make the richest people in the country pay for it?? Is THAT what you want?!??

BERNIE: Um, yeah.

CALDERON: Vice President Bident, A lot of undocumented as well as legal immigrants are afraid to seek medical help. How do you ensure they feel safe enough to get treatment?

BIDEN: Illegal creatures are not human beings. I mean, no, that's not the one. That's not right. Illegal...undocumented...illegal alien monsters-- no, that's not it either. Um, PEOPLE, because I DEFINITELY believe that they are indeed human beings (!!), should get help so that they do not die. That's for sure what I think because I am progressive and have always been this way. Also, domestic violence is a bad thing too.

BERNIE: If we had medicare for all I'd make sure that undocumented people were covered so this wouldn't be happening.

BASH: Let me ask you though. You are, as previously mentioned repeatedly, extremely decrepit and about to keel over and die. You are a million years old. Do you wash your hands after you doodoo?

BERNIE: Yes. I also wash my hands after I make peepee. And I use a lotta soap.

BASH: Vice President Biden, you are also fifty trillion years old. Do you wash your hands after you go potty?

BIDEN: Yes. But back in my granddad's day, we would piss on a log in the backyard and call it a wacky doo diddly. You wipe your ass with a pine cone and call it ice cream. That's what the backyard gang always said.

TAPPER: The country is falling apart into a million pieces and is on fire. Why do we not need a revolution?

BIDEN: Because we need immediate change, we need it NOW. That's why I'm advocating for slow incremental change via moderate concessions that don't address any of our country's fundamental problems. I mean, what's a revolution going to do, ha, I mean, change things? We need a CHANGE.

TAPPER: Uh. Right. Bernie?

BERNIE: If you want to change things, if you want to take on Wall Street and the drug companies and the insurance companies and the fossil fuel industry, you don't take campaign contributions from them.

BIDEN: I talked about that 30 years ago.

BERNIE: Okay?

BIDEN: I have come up with every idea. If you have an idea, you have an idea in your head, I've already thought of it. I have thought up every idea that has ever been thought. So I think you should join me and and we can work together to accomplish my vision the way that I want it, cooperatively achieving only my goals.

BERNIE: I don't want to join you. You should join me.

BIDEN: I know you are but what am I?!?

BERNIE: What?

BIDEN: If I am leather and you are glue that what you say to me bounces, rolls off of me and then is on you and is sticky.

BERNIE: Um, okay...so how about you get rid of your SuperPACs?

BIDEN: Why don't YOU get rid of YOUR SuperPACs?!

BERNIE: Cause I don't have any.

BIDEN: Yes you do!! You have forty of them and I can name them all.

BERNIE: Okay, sure. You go ahead and do that.

BIDEN: Come ON. Do you hear this guy? Give me a break. Come on. This is ridiculous. Everything this man says is a lie! Including that I've been opposed to Social Security, which I definitely absolutely have not!! I LOVE Social Security!!

BERNIE: So you're going to look me in the eye and tell me you never stood on the Senate floor and repeatedly talked about cutting Social Security, Medicare, and veterans' programs.

BIDEN: Correct.

BERNIE: You didn't say that.

BIDEN: No, I did not.

BERNIE: Is your name Joe Biden?

BIDEN: No.

BERNIE: Is your name Joaquin Phoenix?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: Did you star opposite Philip Seymour Hoffman in that movie about scientology?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: Are you a scientologist?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: Is your name Tom Cruise?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: Is your name Elisabeth Moss?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: Were you on the popular television show West Wing?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: Are you the daughter of the fictional president Jed Bartlet in the popular television show West Wing?

BIDEN: Yes.

BERNIE: I rest my case.

BIDEN: Go to josiahbartlet.com to view my plans.

BERNIE: Joe has come around on a lot of things but he never supported them when they were popular ideas. Leadership is about going forward even when an idea isn't popular. I've been talking about all these issues for years and he's only now deciding to support them because it's politically convenient. You're now trying to reform bills that YOU voted for. If you hadn't voted for them, we might not even have these problems. Do you remember when you hated gay people?

BIDEN: Still do. I mean sure do. Sure do remember that.

BERNIE: And when you voted for the Iraq war?

BIDEN: Yahuh.

BERNIE: So like, where's your integrity?

BIDEN: Integrity schminschmegrity. That's Yiddish. Haha just kidding. Just some Jewish humor for ya. Anyways, I might hate gay people, but I was the first person to say that I did not hate gay people on live television, and media presence is much more significant than internal values. I actually don't have any values. I'm sort of an empty shell at this point. Just goin' along for the ride. Just chuggin' along. Chugga chugga choo choo!!! Haha!!

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

BASH: Welcome back! Here's a question from someone on the internet. How will your cabinet ensure the best advice on issues that affect women's physical and financial health?

BERNIE: My cabinet will look like America.

BIDEN: My cabinet will look like the country of America.

BERNIE: I JUST said that.

BIDEN: No you didn't. Also, I wrote all of the laws about domestic violence. I actually invented domestic violence, and then I wrote bills to stop it. If it's related to domestic violence, I'm responsible. In a good way. I know many women and I don't think that they should be shot with guns.

BERNIE: Remember when you voted to not let low-income women use Medicaid funding for an abortion?

BIDEN: Yes, but other people also voted for that.

BERNIE: And? You're just wildly inconsistent and have a bad voting record.

CALDERON: Next question: should we be deporting people?

BERNIE: No.

BIDEN: Just some people. I now believe that it is wrong to deport millions of inhuman creatures. Real human people. Human being people who are also immigrants. They are people and I believe that. I don't like slavery! You think I like slavery? You think I have a confederate flag tattooed on my back??! You think I'm a confederate soldier because we took a time machine into the civil war because I love slavery so much?!? I don't love slavery!!!!!!!!

CALDERON: But you did oppose sanctuary cities. Where do you stand now? And should undocumented immigrants be arrested and turned over to immigration officials?

BIDEN: ....no...

CALDERON:

BERNIE:

TAPPER:

BASH:

CALDERON: Okay, guess that's all we're getting on that. Bernie?

BERNIE: Obviously we shouldn't be doing that. Kids shouldn't be living in constant psychological terror, scared that their parents will be deported. We need to end ICE raids on day one. I'm the son of an immigrant and this is a country built by immigrant labor. We need to end this demonization.

BIDEN: I wrote every climate bill.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

TAPPER: I know we just keep rehashing the same thing, but Senator Sanders, you have praised one single program of Fidel Castro. Does this mean that you, personally, have jailed, tortured and killed thousands of Cubans? Are your hands stained with Cuban blood? Do you kill Cubans as a hobby and do you enjoy it?

BERNIE: NO. I DON'T. LIKE. AUTHORITARIANISM.

CALDERON: But dictators are dictators. Doesn't this mean that we should portray them in an overly simplistic, black and white way that erases any single good thing they might have ever done?

BERNIE: No, that's not what that means.

BIDEN: I have personally witnessed Bernie murdering thousands of Cubans for fun. He was laughing and dancing and making water balloons full of Cuban blood and drawing smiley faces on them in sharpie. One time I asked him what his favorite activity was and he said 'jailing, torturing, and killing thousands of Cubans.' It happened. Boy scout's honor.

BERNIE: Look. Y'all. Things just aren't black and white. China is an authoritarian society. I know that. But is it not true that they've also made progress in ending poverty over the last 50 years?

BIDEN: That's like saying you want to make out with Hitler and marry him and start holocausts together. That's like saying you are the reincarnation of Hitler and you're in love with yourself.

BERNIE: I mean, no.

BIDEN: Yes it is!!

BERNIE: So China has never ever done a single good thing in the history of ever?

BIDEN: Ya.

BERNIE: I...this is a lost cause.

TAPPER: Speaking of foreign policy, Mr. Vice President, what lessons did you learn from mistakenly voting for the Iraq War?

BIDEN: That I didn't know and it wasn't my fault. None of the bad things were my fault, but I am responsible for all of the good things.

TAPPER: Huh. Interesting answer. Okay, well thanks for being here tonight and not touching each other except for your elbows. This election is going to be chaos. Good luck everyone.

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unadulteratedrebelrunaway · 6 years ago

Text

THE TRUCK HINDS SHOW

[5/5/18].

Alexander W. Benson II

"Hello people," says the host, "this is Truck Hinds. Welcome to my program where you will hear only the truth. That's the beauty of A.M. radio. It is not paid off like the liberal dominated television is. Now, let me tell you the truth about conservative radio versus the liberal media. The reason why liberal programs don't have a strong presence on the A.M. dial is our listeners have a built-in b.s. detector. The liberal programs advocate laziness and promote a self-serving philosophy of life, which doesn't contribute to the betterment of society."

"Radio listeners are more attuned than television audiences who have been dumbed down by the American educational system. Our listeners have this internal mechanism that goes off whenever they hear the gibberish about the labor board and welfare. When they hear this garbage, like the importance of police unions for example, they call right in and instantly disprove what the dumb liberal is trying to argue. Let me tell you people out there that trying to make an argument for liberalism is the equivalent of trying to argue that the world is flat. That is nonsense, and only an idiot would believe anything a liberal has to say. Those people are paid to get on the radio and lie. Yes, they lie for a living. I'd hate to do that and go home to my wife and kids and say, "Honey, children, I lie to the American people for a living. I tell them that global warming is real and other poppycock.' I couldn't do it people. We conservatives are a highly intelligent lot. That's why we make more money than any Democrat. Wear it with pride, my loyal audience. You stand between freedom and the liberals who want to destroy America and everything it stands for."

"Speaking of those police unions, I don't want to knock the police. I think they do a great job. As a matter of fact, they do such a good job that a friend of mine went grocery shopping the other day. He got the week's supply of food for his family, and when he went to his car he got clubbed over the head. When he woke up, his car was gone. So were his groceries. Not only that, but his wallet was missing, and no, people, the muggers didn't take the wallet and leave the cash. Where were the police? Nowhere to be found. Sure, it took the cop five minutes to show up, after the crime's been committed, but my friend's family didn't eat that week. They didn't go to the soup kitchen because, as my friend told me, they are not charity. They did the American thing, and toughed it out for the week."

"My taxes are ridiculously high, and most of it goes to the police. Why? So they can give me a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt in my car that I paid for? Here's my suggestion. Why don't we keep the police, but get rid of the union. That way, only the police who do their job can keep their paycheck. Second, let's make it at-will because I don't want to be paying out part of my pay that I earn so I can pay someone's yearly contract. I would rather pay a person what they are worth. Third, why don't we in-source and privatize law enforcement. Why don't we take these Mexicans we round up every year, and instead of deporting them, why don't we just train then and put them to work as cops. That way, they do a better job for less money. You know those Mexicans. That will make our police force more efficient. And your taxes will drop. Doesn't that feel good, folks?"

***

Somebody calls in. "Let me tell you something. I get paid minimum wage. It doesn't pay the bills. My wife works three jobs just to make ends meet."

"Why are you working only one job when you're making your wife work three of them?" says Truck.

"I do concrete work," says the caller, "and my wife works at three part-time jobs."

"You didn't answer my question," says Truck. "Why are you working only one job? Your wife must yell at you a lot, considering that you get to take it easy once you get home."

"Nobody's taking it easy," says the caller.

"It sounds like you are," says Truck.

"You ever do concrete work?" says the caller.

"No," says Truck, "But it can't be a tough line of work."

"My body feels like it's been through a war when I get finished," says the caller.

"Oh, poor baby," says Truck.

"It's backbreaking work," says the caller.

"Oh, you're breaking my heart," says Truck. "Listen. If you're body aches from

working at only one job, that's your problem. I know a lot of people who do that kind of work. Every time I drive by one of those worksites I notice all they seem to do is catcall to the ladies."

"Yeah--"

"That's yes," says Truck. "You don't sound too intelligent. All the guys I know who do that kind of work are drunks and potheads."

"Hey--"

"Hay is for horses," says Truck. "But to get back to my point, you said you are barely making ends meet?"

"That's right, mister," says the caller.

"That's Truck," says Truck. "Show the proper respect when you talk to me. You said you are barely making ends meet."

"Yeah," says the caller.

"Try to say yes," says Truck. "We're pretty formal on the A.M. dial. You are barely getting by, or should I say, your wife is barely carrying your dead carcass. Is that right?"

"No," says the caller. "We both work."

"It sounds to me like she's doing all the work," says Truck. "You just told me you work only one job while she is working at three of them. She has the American spirit, which is more than I can say about you."

"Now hold on there," says the caller.

"No, you hold on," says Truck. "You sound like the kind of guy that likes to blame everybody else for your problem."

"Listen," says the caller.

"No, you listen," says Truck. "Are you complaining that you are getting minimum wage?"

"That's right," says the caller. "You talk about how we should get rid of the labor board. Well, I've got news for you. If it wasn't for the labor board, I wouldn’t be getting paid minimum wage."

"You would be right," says Truck.

"What?" says the caller.

"I said I agree with you," says Truck. "What's the matter? Am I not allowed to agree with you once in while?"

"Okay," says the caller.

"Okay," says Truck. "Do you think you're getting paid what you're worth?"

"No," says the caller.

"You are right again" says Truck. "You should be getting paid what you're worth."

"Now you're talking," says the caller.

"Yes I am," says Truck. "You should only get paid what you're worth, and I know some Mexicans who would come over here and do your job for only a nickel a day."

Silence.

"Hello?" says Truck. "You there?"

"Yeah I'm here," says the caller.

"Ladies and gentlemen," says Truck. "You have just heard me correct this caller several times. Remember what I told you about the American educational system. This caller in question happens to be one of those sad, sad cases."

"We work real hard for our money," says the caller. "We earn it. Without the labor board we would be even more screwed."

"You just backed up my argument," says Truck. "With out the labor you would get less. I need you to listen carefully. Still there?"

Silence.

"You still on the line?" says Truck.

"Yeah," says the caller.

"Here is my point," says Truck. "You should get paid for your marketable skills. Nobody cares how hard you work. Are you a doctor?"

"I just told you I do concrete work," says the caller.

"You are not a doctor," says Truck. "Or a rocket scientist. Or anything else that requires any skills. Marketable skills, my friend, is where the money's at. If you don't have those, and you're getting a paid a wage that has been set by the government, then you are paid more than you're worth."

"How much do you make?" says the caller.

"My annual salary is $20,000,000, says Truck, "including some other rights."

"What do you mean by rights?" says the caller. "I don't have any of those where I work."

"I mean intellectual property rights," says Truck. "You see, I'm an independent contractor. I get paid what I'm worth because of my marketable skills."

The caller hangs up on him.

"Hello?" says Truck. "Hello? I guess that liberal's conscience finally got the better of him. Maybe he'll become a better person once we get rid of the labor board so he'll get paid what he's worth. Judging by his inferior intelligence level, I would say, maybe $.05 a day? Hey, that's business. I know the truth hurts, but I'm only trying to help misguided fools like the man that just called. Maybe he'll even thank me someday for helping him see the light when he becomes one of my disciples."

"All he has to do is go to medical school for a few years, do residency, and pass his tests. Then he'll become a doctor. You know the trouble with our last caller is he tries to force an argument to fit his personal agenda. He has no skills, so he doesn't make much money. As a result, he tries leaning on that crutch, which happens to be a thorn in the side of many a businessman, and use that to support his point that he should be getting paid the minimum wage. As a matter of fact, he tried using that fake evidence to back up his point that he should be getting paid even more. If I was his employer I'd hang him. Just kidding folks. I would simply fire him."

"I know plenty of immigrants who would be happy to do his job for less money. Isn't that what running a business is all about? Maximize profits, and you can't maximize your profits unless you run an efficient organization. When are these fools going to learn?"

"That's it people, thanks for listening."

***

The following day it is business as usual. Well, almost usual.

"Oh, yes," says Truck. "We've got another caller. Hello, Truck Hinds."

"I thought you were rude to that guy yesterday," says the caller.

"You thought I was rude?" says Truck. "I'm only trying to help you people. Let me guess. Another construction worker?"

"Yes," says the caller.

"How much are you being overpaid?" says Truck.

"Not enough right now," says the caller.

"Not enough," says Truck. "You don't listen hard enough. You didn't hear the message I just broadcasted yesterday to the American people?"

"I did," says the caller, 'but I wanted to add something."

"Wait wait wait," says Truck. "How much are you collecting right now?"

"How'd you know?" says the caller.

"I don't," says Truck. "I just asked you how much are you getting paid for your mindless labor right now? Answer my question."

"I'm not," says the caller.

"You a volunteer?" says Truck. "A crusader?"

"I collect unemployment," says the guy.

"So you're not even working then," says Truck. "You happen to be one of those people who live off the government. Off the taxpayers. Yet, you say I'm rude. Let me tell you, and this goes for all the other beggars and thieves out there who are looking for a handout, that we the taxpayers are sick of you people. Who do you people think you are, anyway?"

The guy hangs up.

"That's the trouble with liberals," says Truck. "I have never lived off the government. I've worked for everything I have, and that drives these people nuts. Do any of you out there know people like this? Looks like I've got another one on the line. Yeah, put him through."

"Did you just call someone a beggar and a thief for collecting a government handout?" says the caller. "My name's Steve, by the way."

"I don't care what your name is," says Truck. "I don't think I could have said it louder. Or course I called him a thief. That's what it is when someone takes a handout from the government. That's stealing form you, and it's stealing from me"

"And that includes unemployment?" says Steve.

"Yes it does," says truck. "That guy sounded like that's what he's doing."

"Didn't you used to collect unemployment?" says Steve.

"No," says Truck.

"But I have it on record that you did," says Steve.

"Hey, that's private," says Truck. "What I do on my own time is none of your business."

"It happens to be a government payout," says Steve.

"But this is different," says Truck.

"How's this different?" says Steve.

"I paid into the system," says Truck.

"Don't we all?" says Steve.

"That guy that just called put in just enough time to qualify for benefits," says Truck, "and then he just sits around the house and listens to my show. I know his type."

"I knew you when you were laid off," says Steve, "and collecting, as you say, something that wasn't a handout."

"Yeah yeah yeah, that's right," says Truck. "It was not a handout because my taxes paid for the whole thing."

"Like I said," says Steve, "I knew you when you were unemployed. I remember working at that store where you used to buy your groceries."

"You mean the one on Main and 22nd?" says Truck.

"Yes," says Steve, "that one. I bagged your groceries a few times. Brings back memories, doesn't it?"

"I wouldn't call them memories," says Truck. "I don't remember you, Scott."

"I remember you, Jack," says Steve.

"That's Truck," says Truck. "Try to get my name right."

"You were never good when it came to remembering names," says Steve, "except your own."

"That accusation seems to be coming from left field," says Truck, "Sam."

"Didn't you used to use stamps?" says Steve.

"Those were coupons," says Truck.

"I remember you trying to be discreet about them," says Steve.

"I don't know about you," says Truck, "but I prefer to keep my life private."

"Okay," says Steve, "but you used to tell the cashier that the food stamps you were using were only temporary."

Truck slams the phone back in its cradle. "I know that guy, people. He is one of those people who go around trying to create problems where they don't even exist. You already heard the evidence straight from the horse's mouth, the one and only Truck Hinds."

"I have never lived off the government. I paid into the system. I got laid off from one of those mindless jobs I used to work at. I had bills to pay, and I was stuck with the choice between losing my house or collecting unemployment. I collected for a short period of time. Then I found my calling. You're benefitting from that calling right now, where you get to hear me calling out people who steal from taxpayers like you and me. I think you know whose team I'm on, I know which team you listeners are on, and that guy that just called isn't on our team, people."

"That guy wants to destroy our social fabric by creating problems. If he takes one look in the mirror, he'll discover the real problem. He acts the way he does because he is a no talent, who is compensating by throwing stones. You know what they say about people who live in glass houses? See you tomorrow, people, and thanks for listening for making my show the number one rated in the world. God Bless."

THE END

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