#but now i don't think i've got the spoons to go through the hassle of tagging and queuing everything without the extensions

[fromaliminalspace]

...is it just me or has tumblr fucked up so massively that it literally stopped both XKit Rewritten and that one more recent dashboard unfucker script from working :/ opened the desktop view for the first time in a bit of while and it decidedly does not look like a place of honor. at all. where are all my tag bundles. where is the old dash view. where is fucking everything or, more accurately, why is it not working

upd for those who might need it as well: turns out it's the tampermonkey and not tumblr itself. found the way to fix it in this post

[vulpine111]

I mostly napped after I got my methadone today, but now I'm going to take a shower. I finally found the spoons to make a couple of medical calls.

I called my insurance for more rides to the clinic. I put in as many as they will allow me in advance. It's always a hassle to ask the robotic line for a representative. I have to say "agent now" about 10 times in a row.

Anyways, I also called customer service to figure out how to stay on my health plan. I've been getting reminders it's just about time to reinroll for next year. I'm not sure if social security will do it for me automatically but I should probably call first thing in the morning tomorrow.

I would talk to the income support division now about how to reinroll, but they close in 15 minutes and the hold times are long. It has to wait.

I figure they want me to communicate to some extent that I still want this plan. I don't know of any other plans that would serve me better, so I'm going to continue to choose Blue Cross Blue Shield through Medicaid.

Speaking of medical stuff, I only need to lose 6 more pounds and I'll be at my goal weight for the hysterectomy. Maybe I should call and see how much longer it's going to take to get answers regarding my sleep apnea.

Like I mentioned, they can't perform the surgery unless they have info from the sleep study. The wait list is taking forever. A lot of stuff is backed up here.

I don't think I should end my life until I see how surgery and the CPAP machine treat me. It's possible I might be happier and more capable at some point. It would be a shame to cheat myself out of any possible future happiness.

Besides, it is extremely unlikely I will end up in a group home. I'm going to fight as much as possible to stay in my existing apartment, tbh.

I know they're not social workers or guardian angels or anything like that, but I plan to talk to the office here and let them know it would be a huge hardship for me to move.

Maybe they'll have heart for my situation and agree to work with me whenever I upgrade to section 8. Maybe they can talk to the supervisor about it- even though in the past I've been told they don't like to change leases.

Since I always pay early, I've demonstrated I am a decent tenant that they can count on.

[eroticcannibal]

Risu how old were you when you were diagnosed with ADHD? I'm 19 and I've suspected I have ADHD for years now but I haven't been able to get the motivation to get properly assessed for it. I mentioned it to my old CAMHS psych nurse when I was 17 but she said "I don't know you well enough to say if you have that" and ended up kicking me out because I kept turning up high so I never got any kind of answer there. I dropped out of school when I was 13 because it was always a nightmare for me and I've recently decided I need to get my shit together and do my GCSEs online but I feel like they're gonna be a nightmare and if I do have ADHD now is probably the best time to get it assessed and get some help but I feel like I'm too old now and if I really had ADHD my teachers or CAMHS people would've picked up on it so I keep doubting myself. And also I keep thinking I could have some other Brain thing instead of ADHD and it's a waste of time trying to guess what's up with me because I'm not a professional but also I don't trust professionals because they've treated me poorly in the past so I'm fucked a bit here. Anyway I'm rambling now. How do you go about getting diagnosed with ADHD in the UK and should I even bother getting assessed if I suspect I have ADHD? And also am I too old at this point? Oh also my mother is diagnosed wi5h ADHD but she doesn't believe in it and apparently my school tried to assess me for it as a kid but she wouldn't let them because she thinks it's made up. And I was put in a special ed group for my entire time in primary school but I never got told why. Everyone had a diagnosis of ADHD or autism or a learning disability except for me. Good luck reading this sorry it's so long and incoherent

Ok so first of all I am no proffesional but u have adhd. That is very clear. U could have something else too but I would be VERY surprised if u dont have adhd. Like if they were to put an anon in the diagnostic criteria this would be it shshhs

Now getting diagnosed is down to the postcode lottery. Go to a GOOD GP who is willing to keep hassling people and get them to do a refferal. I have no idea where you should be reffered to, depends entirely on what services are available where u are. They may not even advertise they will deal with ADHD. my gp eventually was able to get an autism service fucking MILES AWAY to accept me for an adhd assessment but the waitlist is 2 years. There are no adult adhd services where I live and none of the adult autism services cover it either. Hopefully it is better where you are.

I've heard of getting shared care and funding for private but I did not have the spoons to work all that out.

Hopefully where u are is better funded but it can be a fight either way. If ur gp won't help just keep seeing different gps until they help. It would be useful to write yourself a list of all the reasons why u think u have adhd, take ur time and be thorough. The fact that ur mum has it and ur school attempted to have u assessed are huge points in your favour. Also identify now anyone who knew you as a child who will back you up on your experiences and symptoms, assessments will involve testimony from someone who knew u as a child. Usually it would be parents but oh my god please do not involve your mother. But do tell them why cus that whole thing really is good, diagnostically speaking.

For ur list, what I've picked out in your message that would be relevant: being high all the time (self medicating is super common with adhd), dropping out of school (again academic struggles are common and hitting a wall during teens to early adulthood is a very adhd experience, for me it was 18 and for me mum it was part way through uni), your mother having adhd (something something the most common cause of adhd diagnosis in adults is ur kid being diagnosed, works backwards too. Shit is very genetic.), school tried to assess you for it, school provided additional educational support where some of your peers also had adhd.

The benefits u will get will be access to meds and accomadations for study (which should be provided regardless but ableism is a thing)

Possible alternative route tho! Now I've only heard of one place doing it and only for degrees, so u will need to enquire if anywhere else will do it with GCSEs, but Sheffield uni (one of them, I forget which) will pay for private assessments. I dont expect that will be common but u might get lucky.

And its never too late to be diagnosed, its just harder.

[the-hotter-otter]

Strangers || ATEEZ Fanfic

Seonghwa X OC

Mafia/Crime AU

3.7k words

Part 3 || chapter list || previous chapter || next chapter

Hyejin can’t fully commit to Seonghwa’s tempting offer, meanwhile Hongjoong continues to keep secretes.

Warning: blood, minor death, injury, violence, knife use

Angst, fluff, smut, cussing, violence, death

note: ayo shit will start moving soon I promiseee, I seriously don’t know where this story is gonna go but fuck it we’ll see. 

No pov

Hongjoong wasn’t at all surprised when Seonghwa came into his office late at night. He could tell there was a lie in between the lines Seonghwa spoke when he confronted the two last week. Being best friends for years with a bit of blood, death and guns on the side really did bring people together. 

“What’s her name?” Hongjoong asked, he couldn’t stay mad at Seonghwa. Hongjoong knew punishment wasn’t necessary on the eldest who was already racking his brain on it, as a leader he could tell when further discipline was needed and when it was best to leave it to their own self conscience. “If she’s staying here, I should at least know.”

“Lee Hyejin,” Seonghwa said, cursing the weird feeling of familiarity he felt after saying her name. 

“Lee hyejin?” Hongjoong quirked an eyebrow, he’s definitely heard of the name from somewhere, he just couldn’t pinpoint where. “Sounds familiar.”

Seonghwa merely nodded, somewhat glad that Hongjoong didn’t directly question him. “I’ll take responsibility for her.”

Hongjoong liked the sound of that, though it didn't change the fact that he was overlooking one more person. “That means a lot of things hwa, keeping her in line, taking care of her, watching her and protecting her if shit goes down.”

“She isn’t 5.” Seonghwa sighed, “I’m not spoon feeding her.” 

“But she knows.” Hongjoong reminded him, “and she knows she has you wrapped around her finger, people take advantage of that.” 

“I can always shoot her.” Seonghwa said as if it were so simple.

Hongjoong looked him up and down, silently judging the older one. Hongjoong sighed, he wasn’t exactly up for this kind of conversation at 2:30am, “Dramatic much... Aish don't waste the bullets, the suppliers have been shitty to us lately.”

“What I’m saying is you won't have to worry,” Seonghwa said, “you’ll barely notice her.”

Hongjoong looked Seonghwa up and down, “you want her to stay that badly?” 

Seonghwa was taken back by the other’s awkward perspective, “yes? There really isn’t any ulterior motive.”

Hongjoong gave a dawdled nod as he chuckled, “I’m playing with you hwa. Bring her in, I’ll let the others know of our latest addition.”

Seonghwa was about to step out of the office when Hongjoong suddenly spoke up again, “don’t forget about that task I gave you.”

Seonghwa gave a sharp nod, “I'll see to it by the end of the day.”

“Dont fuck up!” Hongjoong noted loud enough for the other to hear, he could imagine the rise he got from it. Deep down he was just joking, after all, Seonghwa never fucks up. 

Hongjoong enjoyed the tease he gave his best friend, more often than not, the former was in tight situations with serious consequences, loosening up was often the last thing he’d find himself doing. 

His smile was short lived when he suddenly felt the vibrations of his phone, and it wasn’t from the bold red one that was sprawled on the desk with the many papers. His face dropped drastically upon realizing that someone was calling the phone hidden deep in his pockets. There was only one person who’d be ringing. 

Mazaki Meiyo.

“Yes?” Hongjoong cautiously spoke up, his eyes darting around the office. He got up and opened the door to check if anyone was giving his conversation a listen. 

“They moved the deal.”

Hongjoong pinched the bridge of his nose, “when?”

“In an hour. You know just as well as me that this isn’t going to end smoothly.”

“Your deals rarely end well.” Hongjoong scoffed bitterly, he pulled the phone away from his ear when the other line went dead. He had to go now if he were to make it in time, he couldn’t afford to be late, not for these kinds of deals. 

Hongjoong pushed off his seat and swiftly buckled his hidden artillery onto his thigh and around his torso, making sure that his best weaponry was in close reach, ready for whatever conflict he was about to get into. Pulling the hood over his masked face, he checked the location Meiyo had sent him. 

The leader eyed the pile of paperwork that was due in a matter of days, he dreaded the inevitable all-nighters we’ll have to pull because of it. 

As Hongjoong left the household in silence, he turned his main phone off completely and stowed it in a hidden compartment. No one was going to find him tonight.

-

Hyejin pov

I stared at the phone screen in dismay, the loan shark has been after my ass for the debt I’ve yet to pay. I've been trying, but even after much struggle I only possess half of what I owe. 

I hated to take that offer from Seonghwa, the money from that deal would have covered my debt and rent from my residence long enough for me to make something out of a scrubby part time job, he just had to ruin me once more.

Then again, what other choice do I have? I leaned back on the wall of the alleyway, I don’t know anyone in this world. I was forgotten years ago, Seonghwa is the last person I’d go with, but he’s also the only one. 

My eyes drifted to the tall buildings around, they blocked the sunlight from ever entering these shabby alleys with large bins and locked deserted gates and doors. I met with the gazes that had been watching me for a while now, in a building a few blocks away yet still in perfect view, two middle aged men who most likely reeked of cigarettes and alcohol admired me from their apartment which could easily come off as an abandoned building left to collect dust and grime.

I squinted my eyes as I felt my vision start to give into fatigue, unrealistic hues of blue and neons started bouncing around. Every now and then, the migraine in my head would dust my eyes with a cloud of grey that blurred my sight ever so slightly. I sighed as I began seeing four instead of two weird men. I tried to refrain from focusing on anything, the lack of good sleep and food had me feeling all sorts of murky effects. 

Their stalkerish behaviour had been creeping me out for the past few days, despite it, I never saw a proper reason to leave the little spot I've claimed for rest. Plus, the odd duo hadn’t made any advances that had worried me thus far. 

The day continued, and the city had been busy as usual. Bikes raced down the side of the roads and paths, scaring the uptight mothers into a slur of curses. Teenage girls carelessly skipped around in their tiny croptops, powdery make up and flaunty shoes with boys their parents have no idea existed. Cars drove with their temperamental owners honking and anything and everything, then there were the workers who were either strolling around after their shifts or sprinting in swerves around people in effort to not be late.

Yet here I was sitting in a slump not so far from the hoards of people, absorbing the natural noises of the city that started to sound more like blaring megaphones instead of white noise. 9pm had crept faster than I expected, truthfully I wasn’t sure whether or not to go through with Seonghwa’s offer. I still had a chance to reconsider, perhaps I could deal with the information for money? After all, a controversial topic surrounding Seonghwa would no doubt bring in a big sum. 

I shook my head from the ludicrous thoughts, there was no guarantee in shady business, ever. It's a far-fetched plan, and the fact that I didn't have a name to my face meant I was that less convincing. 

Though I knew this offer would mean gambling my safety and if I were to stretch the possibilities, my own life. I still wasn’t 100% on board with the whole moving in with Seonghwa and whatever team he’s apart off, neither could I fathom the thought of that sinful man working with people, and that’s without mentioning his sudden change in attitude towards his victims.

It was yet another reason why I’m so reluctant to associate with him, because this isn’t the Seonghwa I was familiar with, he was a stranger, and no one is at ease when they’re affiliated with someone they don't know, especially when that person had guns, knives and all sorts of deadly possessions in their grasp. 

I groaned as I got up with a hazy mind. I looked up and to my suprise the stretchy men were back to watch me, it started to feel uncomfortable now. “Nice knowing you too I guess…” I keep my voice to a murmur. Soon I found myself heading to the meeting spot. 

My heart feels enraged with regret, and it’s impossible to ignore. There was a mere few minutes till the clock struck 9, I can get out of here now or never. 

The Central Train Station was quite grand. With multiple steps just to get to the entrance, neatly trimmed gardens surrounding the place and ancient pillars that held up the building. It was one of the older buildings that turned into a modern utility. 

“Fuck...” I muttered under my breath, “no, fuck this.”

Before I could think I was already speed walking to get the hell out of here. I had pride, I could at least preserve that after losing everything else. 

-

No pov

Blood coated the blade and splattered across the floor and walls of the office, the books on the shelf were drenched and soaking up every bit of red fluid. If only the man had just followed through with the deal, he wouldn’t have ended up dead. 

“What a hassle.” Seonghwa sighed, as he wiped his blade clean on his way out, though it was satisfying seeing the horrors painted on his face as Seonghwa taunted him, revenge for the knife he flung at Hongjoong during their last deal not long ago. 

Seonghwa analysed the slash along his shoulder area, it wasn’t serious at all but it sure did look ugly and soaked his dress shirt in a dark red, in the midst of the tension it felt numb but as his heart rate came down he could slowly feel the stinging pain emitting from the open flesh. He let out a relieved sigh after knowing that none of his own blood had ended up dripping anywhere. 

If it weren’t for the man’s sleeping family in the other room, Seonghwa could have easily finished it off with a bullet but he had to move silently. In turn, it cost him when the man felt fit to fight back with his own blade.

Seonghwa felt Hyejin was partly accountable for his injury. 20 minutes was a bit of a rush for a mission like this, but he had no choice if he was going to make it to the station in time. There was a chance that Hyejin wouldn’t even show up, and that chance made seonghwa unsteady and tense. 

As he pulled up to a red light he felt a distant memory unfold, one that brought a sense of discomfort.

Laughter bubbled up in the front of the car, toothy smiles that twinkled despite the gloomy rain outside. The lull of the music had been turned down for a while now as the soft chatter continued. 

“Hyejin, I told you I don’t need anything for my birthday.” Seonghwa insisted once more with a light chuckle, his one hand on the wheel while the other tried to hold her hand back. He watched in helplessness as she clipped the dangling toothless charm around the rear mirror of the car, her little laugh escaping her lips as it dangled between them.

“It’s cute! I’m telling you, you look just like him.” Hyejin insisted, “and that’s not even the best part.”

Seonghwa couldn't help but smile when the toothless unclipped in half to reveal a small photo framed inside, the details were minuscule but clearly contained the two of them on one of their more memorable dates. 

“Ya, this looks expensive, how much did you spend on me.” Seonghwa diverted the conversation as he observed the matte black of the green eyed dragon. 

“It wasn’t much, don't worry hwa.” Hyejin patted his hand, “I’ve got something else, it's more personal since I made it myself.” 

“So you have something else now?” Seonghwa sighed, though his stupid grin betrayed the annoyed look he tried to show.

The red light cascaded from red to orange to green and before hyejin could whip out the other half of her gift seonghwa sped off, “fine! I’ll accept your gifts, love.”

Seonghwa sneered at the Toothless charm he had yet to take off, if anything it became part of his car’s identity, making it slightly easier to navigate the garage of small black cars, specially on the days when all the vehicles would be together. 

Seonghwa had pulled to a slow stop in front of the station, hiding the charm was his first and foremost priority, Hyejin would most definitely recognize it. 

As he was about to yank the chain off, the corner of his eyes caught a sudden shadow appearing at the window.

Completely forgetting about the charm, Seonghwa halted in his seat, his hand already clasped around the gun latched onto him. It wasn’t until a hesitant Hyejin peered through the window did he relax his grip. On the other hand, Hyejin was feeling anything but relaxed, especially after seeing the bloodbath of a man in the driver's seat.

“So you’ll take my offer?” Seonghwa asked as if it wasn't already obvious enough, Hyejin scoffed. Her response was seen through the way she snuggled down into the passenger seat in a strained sigh of relief after being situated on the hard concrete for days on days.

Throughout the ride Hyejin had kept a careful observation of the roads they had been speeding across, if worse came to worse, she could make a run for it. 

Hyejin silently and subtly glanced around, the car itself hadn’t changed at all, not even the peppermint scent it gave off from the gum Seonghwa had been loyal to for most of his life, though it was currently heavily overpowered by the stench of blood. Hyejin didn’t want to know how and what got him that gruesome injury.

However, the most prominent and unusual feature that had still existed in the car was the all too familiar charm that dangled and swung around underneath the rearview mirror. The dragon's bright green eyes and toothy smile didn't go unnoticed, especially since Hyejin was the one who got it for him years ago. 

Hyejin had the decency to stay silent about it, the stiffness of the air was already far too overbearing, there was no need to intensify it’s sour atmosphere.

“It’s not just me who lives here.” Seonghwa brings up, 

“I figured.” Hyejin sighed, she had heard the many rumours over the years of how a certain group had been overturning the criminal world with unrivaled skill and accomplishments, they became big in the industry. This group of young, skilled men made a name for themselves and it became one feared by many, ATEEZ. 

Though it wasn’t just their skill that had made them the talk of many circles, it was the people within the group, the majority of which already had a reputation high on their shoulders. Hyejin had heard of the promising sniper who had joined their ranks, the insanely witty dealer who knew how to smooth talk his way to riches, the stealthy man who snuck into and claimed dangerous possessions without a single sound. 

Then there was the hitman who possessed the skill of 100 men, he was a young and promising lone wolf who had been rumoured to have joined ATEEZ.

Hyejin didn’t want to believe it was Seonghwa, in fact she didn't want to hear about anything related to Seonghwa, but it wasn’t possible when she was involved with loan sharks and illegal exchanges for the money she was in dire need for. Of course, because of her interactions with others, Hyejin was aware of Seonghwa’s growing skill and relevant changes, it disgusted her to say the least, how much better he had gotten at taking lives.

However the failed deal from last week confirmed her denial to be wrong, Seonghwa was well and truly closely associated with a group, and that group was no doubt ATEEZ.

“Dont try anything stupid.” Seonghwa warned, Hyejin rolled her eyes slightly, “I’m serious, I see the way you're memorizing these roads.”

Hyejin froze momentarily, she eyed Seonghwa who had removed his eyes from the road after stopping at a red light. Hyejin had forgotten how sharp he actually was, the intellectual from highschool still existed within him.

Hyejin got the chance to really see how much Seonghwa had changed, even underneath all of that stained blood and light smears of dirt, she could easily tell that his facial features had sharpened immensely, he wasn’t the same soft faced charmer that made highschool hearts throbs on a daily. If anything, Seonghwa now resembled a high class heartbreaker with a body count worthy enough for a world record. 

Of course some things don't ever change, like his lush lip and stunning eyes that stared back at her. Before the awkwardness could settle, Hyejin looked away, subconsciously glancing at the toothless charm. Seonghwa noticed the glare she gave it, his hands went to take it off but was ultimately stopped by the swat Hyejin gave.

“What’s the point of taking it off now? You had years to do that.” Hyejin raised an eyebrow. 

Seonghwa did not respond and merely sighed as he began moving on the road once again. Hyejin was taken back when they suddenly verged off into a bush area, what was a simple scenery of grass turned into a splatter of greenery. Trees towered high, vines and dense bushes had taken over, it was an untouched forest and they were driving right through it.

Hyejins eyes squinted in growing concern, she wanted to believe they were just passing through to get to another town, but her panic only continued to rise as they got deeper into the maze of nature. Her eyes glare at Seonghwa who seemed to have already expected her to build up doubts.

“Jump out and you’ll be as good as dead.” Seonghwa warned, as he quickly glanced at her stray hand reluctantly reaching for the handle.

“Where are we going Seonghwa….” Hyejin glowered at the driver who was rather unfazed. Even when the subtle sound of a knife being drawn was heard, Seonghwa didn't look away from the road.

The driver pushed his head back against the seat as soon as he caught sight of the fast approaching knife. With the blade a finger's length away, Seonghwa sighed, “I’m not gonna hurt. We’re going to the house, so put the knife down and have a little faith.” 

“Who the hell lives in a goddam forest?!” Hyejin hissed in a raised voice, her eyes teared up from staring so intensely into his side profile. 

“Put the knife down or we’ll both die.” Seonghwa lowered his voice, and Hyejin did not comply. The male halted the car to connect his eyes to hers, in one swift and unnoticeable movement, he grasped her wrist tightly, causing the knife to be let loose and drop to the pit of the car. Hyejin suddenly let a sharp exhale out as Seonghwa pinned her hand down in between them. She cursed her hazy headaches for causing the drastic disadvantage against Seonghwa.

“Stop panicking, we’re almost there.” Seonghwa said as he began driving once again, Hyejin didn’t attempt to squirm out of his hold.

“Your a fucking joke,” Hyejin hissed, “I’ll never put faith in you, not after all the shit you’ve done to me.” 

Soenghwa pinched his lips together at the indirect upbringing of her family’s murder. He wasn’t about to smooth that mess out now, it’ll require a calmer Hyejin and a better situation to explain. 

Hyejin tried to compose herself, but she knew the only way to soothe her panic was to see proof of what Seonghwa was saying.

As they pulled into the driveway of Horizon, Hyejin's tense shoulders melted into the seat. Seonghwa scoffed as he got out of the car first. The jerking of his head signalled for her to get out, hyejin sneered at the man, “give me a damn second will you?”

Seonghwa rolled his eyes before heading inside momentarily, most likely to check if anyone was still up in the early stages of the night. Hyejin took the time alone to get a good grasp at what she had just gotten herself into.

A house, full of dangerous men, in the middle of a forest and a single long ass road back to civilization. 

This wasn’t ideal at all, and Hyejin started to regret this more than ever.

As she took in short breaths her eyes trailed back to the rear mirror charm. All of a sudden, curiosity had her fiddling with the Toothless till it unlatched. She furrowed her eyebrows at the sight of the blank frame. It wasn’t that she was disappointed, it was merely confusion.

“But you keep the charm…” Hyejin glared at the Toothless that was once a gift of love. In the back of her mind she wondered if her other gift was still intact.

Hyejin could worry about that later. Right now, she needed to stay sane and alive, she knew well enough that she would never be guaranteed a way out of death's grasps. Relish in the house and slowly pay off her existing debt? Yes. Get comfortable and trust that your back will be safe in a distant place full of criminals? Hell no.

[teacherintransition]

The Cat is Definitely in The Cradle…

Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in The Cradle” is a magnificent song and the ultimate cautionary tale for men.

There is comfort in having done things “right,” but that comfort isn’t absolute…

Pearl Jam’s “Crown of Thorns,” Van Gogh’s “Old Man in Sorrow: On The Threshold of Eternity,” W.C. Bryant’s “The Flood of Years,” and the film “Glory”… several things that will make this guy ugly cry every time. The reasons vary; there is obviously a connection that hits me personally, but there is no anguish of strong regret that causes me great fear. But, play Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in The Cradle?” That song can reduce me to a fetal position every time. I have the guitar tabs for the song, but literally cannot make it through without having to set my guitar down. Why? I dunno… I mean I do, it’s the fear of possibly having taken things for granted and the realization of how quickly things change.

Lately, my articles have dealt with personal examination of the direction of my life and of my friends, my father and the enigmatic “father/son” dynamic. It’s the process of introspection and having time to carefully explore my life and relationships with others that is a valuable “perk” of retiring at 54. Maslow called it, “Self Actualization.” I knew there was much to contemplate during my “transition;” and it’s not in the American psyche of men to do this type of looking inward. The times they are a changing’ and generational evolution seems to indicate that men aren’t being tied to such a hard, limited standard of manhood that has cursed previous incarnations. It’s allowed me to understand why my dad was why he was and change my perspective on things.

Last weekend, my son and his wife were having a baby shower for their first child. My son invited me, my brother, his brothers and some close friends of his to go to a bar to hang out and celebrate. Life, being what it is, intervened and his brothers were unable to come to celebrate. My son was visibly disappointed and I responded with, “don’t worry son, Thanksgiving is coming …we’ll get together then son.” WHAM…hit between the eyes. Was I living “Cat’s in The Cradle?” The last time we were all five together was October of 2020…my heart sank. These lyrics are the one from Chapin’s song that terrify me and just about every dad:

I've long since retired, my son's moved away

I called him up just the other day

I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind

He said, I'd love to, dad, if I can find the time

You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu

But it's sure nice talking to you, dad

It's been sure nice talking to you

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me

He'd grown up just like me

My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man in the moon

"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"

But we'll get together then, dad

We're gonna have a good time then*

Nightmare fuel men. Did you recognize the importance of spending time with your kids then, do you now; but more importantly, do they still want your presence? Did you take the time for granted and realize it’s running out …now? Covid made many of us take a second look. Regret is a tattoo we all have …some have a lot more than others. I got ‘em…that’s for damn sure, but this time in my life was going to be set aside to rectify some of that. I’ve done a lot of majorly stupid things in my life, but one thing I was pretty confident in was my role as a father. I was far from perfect…very, very far; but I think I avoided some of the shortcomings of my pops and his generation. Involvement? Yes …no worries there. Discipline? Oh yeah… I learned that from my dad, but was less severe in application. Did I spank my sons? No… I beat that ass when they needed it. Empathy? YES… being a secondary teacher was helpful in being the “cool dad.” I WAS DAMMIT! Spending time? That’s when Henry Chapin kicks me in the gut. I don’t know. I think I did, but you’re never really sure. I mean how much is enough…was enough?

“Sweet baby Jeebus Brent…what’s got you tied up in knots?” Not so much what I did then, but what time is left for me to be a part of my son’s lives now. This does not mean coaching baseball, going to Boy Scout camps and helping with homework … no sir and no way, done and redone. INTERMEZZO… I have literally just spent the last twenty minutes trying to encapsulate what I’m trying to say in a simple phrase…it ain’t happenin.’ The best I can come up with is was the time I devoted to my sons substantial enough for it to still be important to them as men. I had issues with my pops… he was too prideful to actively be a part of my adult life with my sons. I…I …was a prideful as****e not helping the situation. We made amends but scars were left that I desperately tried to avoid with my sons. Did I? I did or I didn’t… the answer is in the time we have left. None of this has to interfere with my dreams of travel and adventure, but it will matter…it does matter. There is still so much to share and to teach, my obligations don’t end. They will be reduced, but they need me … and I need them. I don’t think I took my time for granted and I can’t do that now. Think carefully gentlemen.

*Chapin, Harry; “Cat’s in The Cradle;” Verities and Balderdash; Warner Chappell Music, Inc; 1974