#but not only that. ​i realized this upon looking at doodle 23 and. just seeing ''023. derp!'' I did INDEED derp. HAHA.

[daily-xisuma]

[025] I memorized the enochian characters for use as a cipher :-)

[svchengss]

two halves | l.mh

PAIRING. mark lee x reader

GENRE. fluff, heavy angst

WARNINGS. major character death, grief

WORD COUNT. 2.4k

SUMMARY. right after his death, mark watches how you cope with the loss

A/N. i saw this one tiktok and it kinda inspired me to write this

// just to let you guys know, reblogs and feedbacks are appreciated !! thank you for reading :D

white walls, white room.

mark scrunched his face, his eyelashes slowly fluttering open, the dark brown iris adjusting the size of the pupils due to the brightness of the walls reflected upon it. a soft groan vibrating from his throat, he assessed his surroundings where nobody or nothing else is present. he looked down to inspect his clothing, hoping that it would give him any clue of this room or space he’s in - an all white outfit. this scene looks exactly like the one in the movies where the characters realize they are dead. except this time, he really is.

THE REALIZATION.

the muffled sounds of cries and sobs rang through his eardrums, triggering a reflex to wake up from the state that he thought was a slumber. he is lying on the hospital bed with the light blue clothing piece, faint light illuminating the space where people are huddled up around him. he waved his right hand in the air to let them - who he later remembered as his family members and friends, know that his eyes are already open. nobody moved even the slightest, the atmosphere being very much dead, scent of medicine intoxicating his mind.

then he saw someone who he holds very dear to his heart - you, enter the hospital room, dropping onto her knees as soon as she saw his state of condition. in an instant, he shot up from his lying position and ran over towards the crying you, shoulders shaking and all. bringing his hands to hold you in his embrace, not even a glance spared by you brought a hundred and one questions to him. why didn’t anybody acknowledge him when he woke up? why can’t you feel his touch?

“mark lee. time of death, 10:23 pm,” the tall doctor with glasses rested on the bridge of his nose announced before leaving the room, holding the clipboard close to his chest. mark gauged the monitor screen next to the bed, the line indicating his heartbeat is no longer showing spikes going up and down - instead becoming a flat line, deafening beep present with it. then he sees himself still laying on the white sheets, eyes still closed and no signs of breathing evident. a surge of panic rushed through his veins.

this can’t be real.

mark rushed into the bathroom, a surprised gasp leaving his lips. his body is semi-transparent, the shape of the toilet bowl can be seen through his left shoulder. his body shakes with terror, slapping himself in the cheeks multiple times just to make sure that this whole fiasco is just a nightmare.

oh my god. no, this is real.

mark stood in the back of the crowd, witnessing the funeral of someone and that someone being him. of course, he’s never expected to get the sight of his own service. his mother is standing beside you, her hands rubbing circles onto your back in an attempt to calm your mourning state. you’re still looking ever so pretty, a black chiffon dress on your body with white pearl necklace on your collarbones and your wavy black hair hanging down your shoulders. not that anybody else would notice, it’s someone’s death after all.

“stay strong, y/n. he will always be in our hearts,” the same rhythm of sentence in tones full of pity being directed towards you. mark’s sister enveloped you into a warm hug despite the chilly atmosphere, whispering comforting words into your ears before getting into the family’s car. you’re not going back home, not yet when you still feel reluctant to let him go.

“why did you leave me?” the only coherent words from your hoarse voice can be heard. mark, who is crouching next to you, is holding his tears back. instead, he sends a sorrowful smile - not that you can see him anyway. is there any way to let you know of his presence?

“goodbye, love. i’ll see you tomorrow. i promise,” you dusted the back of your dress from any dirt or debris, leaving a rose on his tombstone. the thing is, he doesn’t want to part from you. and that’s why his figure is seated beside you in the cab. he grazed his thumb on your knuckles, making you feel tingles rushing through. you pushed the slight thought away, you must be tired to be feeling things.

you slowly opened the door to your apartment, you and mark’s to be exact. the whole house is making those memories make their presence in the back of your head again. the kitchen where you two baked cookies for christmas last year. the bedroom where you snuggled upon his chest, not wanting to start your day just yet. the piano where he sang those cheesy songs for you. the living room where you slow danced at 3 in the morning. his favourite mug resting on the countertop, probably will not be used again. this whole situation is too overwhelming for you. you feel weak.

with each day passing by, you didn’t even miss one without a visit to his resting lot. you would tell him stories of how your day went or something that you read which would made him ponder. the words carved on it are already etched onto your brain.

mark lee. a son, a brother and a loving partner.

the clock hanging on the grey wall has it’s arms stretched out to display the time - two in the morning. you can’t sleep just yet, not having any for the past few days even. dark circles are appearing around your eyes, not yet recovered from the puffiness from all the crying. mark’s heart aches everytime he takes upon your state. he feels very guilty, not that death was his choice after all. it’s simply fate, a cycle of life, a destiny that every single creature on this planet will end up with.

you’ve taken the whole month off work, still feeling ever so helpless. in fact, you can’t even remember the last time you’ve stepped out of the apartment, the night before his passing perhaps? you’ve completely shut yourself out from any interactions - deactivating your social media, not accepting any calls. you just need time to heal.

as if you’re being controlled by some type of mastermind, you shoot up on the balls of your feet, pulling away from the couch. those images of you slow dancing with mark, hands in each other’s holds, your chin rested in the crook of his neck and being ever so engrossed in love are coming back more often now. you trudged to the vinyls arranged neatly on the shelf, picking one before placing it on the turntable - frank sinatra, one of his all time favourites.

holding your hands up at about his usual height, you start twirling around. you can almost see the outline of his smile, his features right in front of you. except, he is. he’s been observing your moves the whole night. mirroring your current position, as if you can really see him, it’s a miracle for him. overjoyed actually, he doesn’t realize the salty tears streaming down his cheekbones and so are yours.

“thank you for coming, dear. it’s a pleasure seeing you in what, weeks?” a laugh escaped the woman’s lips. you reciprocated her hug before stepping into the living room. it’s been a long time since you’ve been here, was it in january? mrs. lee had invited you over for a simple dinner, checking up on how you’ve been. you can see that the family is still struggling over his passing, the way his sister’s eyes are not twinkling as usual makes it hard to cover up the lie.

“you see, this was on his high school graduation day. he was very happy that day, doing all sorts of dances and stuff. finally escaping from hell as he said,” she giggled. she’s been displaying all sorts of memoirs to you, photo albums and photographs scattered on the wooden floor. to be honest, you’ve never seen these before. all smiles mark lee, easy to notice among the crowd. not that he’s changed, he’s still that boy now. mark just sat on the couch - his favourite spot, observing the throwback session going on. if he’s still here, his sister for sure is going to tease the hell out of him.

“he told us so much about you, you know? as if everything reminds him of you, that boy is lovestruck. really,” that sudden confession made your tongue dry, unable to find a perfect response. you were really that special to him.

“drive safe honey, you can come over whenever you want. you know you’re always welcome here, right?” mrs. lee handed you the small box filled with some things you’re going to keep. she kissed both of your cheeks, mr. lee standing behind her giving you a small wave. a small smile crept up onto your face before igniting the engine, turning your wheels out of the housing area.

the netflix show is playing on the television, the faint voices of the characters playing in the background. you’re sitting on the floor, flipping through the photo journal you two decorated throughout your one year of relationship. you can see his little scribbles and doodles, often a little dinosaur symbolising your always grumpy personality.

in one photo, a golden birthday hat is nicely placed on your head with him kissing your right cheek. you remember clearly, a surprise party for you last year. in the following ones, they are mostly candid shots - you blowing out the candles while he looks at you full of love, him eating a portion of your dish while you pout your lips. you would say it was the night of your life, spending it with the guy who stole your heart.

the next page of the journal is a shot of mark taking a photo of you in the park. you suppose it was taken by donghyuck? that one picture of you was stuck as his lock screen wallpaper for a while, you remembered getting so embarrassed over it. mark would give you the same excuse every time you questioned him about it, implying that the sight of you would light up his whole day. cheesy really, but that was what remained as memories of the past, tied neatly in your heart.

the rain trickling against your window eventually made you doze off to wonderland, creating the perfect chance for mark to browse through the journal in your hands. carefully lifting it from yours so that you won’t be stirred from your sleep, he settled down in the space beside your sleeping figure. slowly turning the pages, he smiled fondly at each photo holding a thousand moments that can’t be recreated ever again. some of them would make him giggle. he kneeled down slightly to place a soft kiss on your forehead, making you squirm a little due to the faint touch.

“give him a chance. i’m not saying that you should forget mark but it’s been months, you should live up a little,” yerim’s voice sounding concerned from the other end of the line. perhaps she’s right but you just need more time. but how much longer? you’re afraid you yourself have no specific answer for that enquiry.

you’ve been feeling better by now, welcoming people back into your life and carrying out the same daily routine of yours. going to work, buying groceries, going to the drive-thru and whatnot. of course, the void is still obvious - coming back home to an empty atmosphere instead of him waiting for you on the couch, sometimes dozing off, no more weekend cafe runs. but at least you’re trying your best. you bid your goodbyes before tapping the red button, ending the call. plopping the device onto the mattress, you stared at the white ceiling, deep in your own thoughts.

you should give him a chance. live up a little.

yes, you should.

getting hold of the phone and immediately opening the messages app, you searched for jungwoo’s number. he’s been trying to take you out for dinner for a while now. you still remember his exact words, whenever you’re ready he’s always there, waiting for you. you’re not really sure about that particular question but it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, right?

typing in the words ‘okay, sure’ is already a pressure for you but you still proceeded to press the send button. glancing at the clock showing the time, the notification ping redirected your focus onto the screen.

jungwoo: cool, is tomorrow night okay with you? i’ll drive, of course :)

tomorrow night. okay, tomorrow night.

an elegant red gown is wrapping your curves perfectly, a thin necklace with the seashell charm around your neck while your lips is decorated with the dark red tone, highlighting your poise appearance. hearing the doorbell ring, you tidied up the dresser as your eyes landed onto the picture frame holding a photo of you and mark. a sad feeling crept into your heart but you pushed it away, opening the door to reveal jungwoo in a black and white tuxedo.

you would say that the dinner went well, none of his questions or chatters crossing any borderline. he’s just so polite, even you are amused. feeling comfortable with his presence, the small gap in between is eventually closing down since you’ve learned so much about each other during the other few dates. one night completely changed it for you, him offering you a dance at some event he’s bringing you with.

you observed that his moves are slightly similar to mark’s - not completely of course, mark’s is very unique and very…mark-ish. for the first time ever in the recent turn of events, you flashed a genuine smile. one that is not just for show, one that only comes out when you’re truly elated, one that you only manage to give to certain. mark just observed the scene from a distance, admiring how you’ve managed to find the spark of happiness you once lost.

alas, mark saw his other half become full again with another, her eyes twinkling with the same joy but this time, it’s not him in the reflection.

[biinaberry]

The Man with the Spiral Sweater

23

10 pages.. 10 pages and I have nothing. What am I even supposed to write about? He gave me no list and just told me to finish these before he visits. What would he even want me writing about? Imagination and storytelling aren’t my strong suit, yet I guess this is my irony. The one thing that I haven’t practiced over and over. This is going to be a chore.

Well... I guess that counted as filling this book, but 10 pages of just me questioning the words of a teenager wouldn’t be the most exciting thing in the world… What are the limits here? Does he want full sentences or do bullet points work? I really wished he actually told me what he wanted. 

Maybe I can use this book for concepts. Get my thoughts down and then work from there into something that he would enjoy. Now, what do we have to work with?

History book (write down everything) Doesn’t want a rehash of everything

History (Our Pov)  Definitely wouldn’t believe what I say

Instructional guide Can’t explain/demonstrate pvp when it isn’t in person

Doodle book?  Boring

Something I have experience in?

Something you have experience in

Now we have something, I remember someone saying that the best writing comes from your own experiences. Okay. Good. Good. We have a start.. Now what do we have to work with:

PVP

Survival skills

Connections

Consequences

Letting go

Awareness

Those you are working with

Partner’s connections

Emotions

Strategies

Location

Those beyond what you see

Wait

wait wait wait wait

…..

I’ll get back to this later

25

He didn’t visit. 

Should have expected that honestly, god that was idiotic to actually believe him. 

Says you tormented him and you expect him to actually want to face you again, like the first visit went so well. At least it gives me more time to actually process this…assignment.

There are some extra books. 5 more than needed if I remember correctly. 5 mistakes, 5 chances to redo… 5 books I can use for myself. But why would I need these extra ones? I have no use for them. I’ll go back to brainstorming

31?

Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip

Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip

Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip Drip

That's all I hear anymore, at least a week of just the sizzling lava to keep me company here. I thought chucking that clock would bring the warden’s attention, but that was for not. Beyond the loss of communication, now time is against my side as well. 

It had to have been at least a day right? No way it couldn’t have been. Yet why hasn’t the warden come back? Meals were at least once a day, so what is taking so long. He should have visited by now. Maybe different measures will get his attention.

??

I find it harder to pick up the pen every time I fall asleep. I wonder if one day it will be stuck here, unable to even stand up. 

Could I leave? I will one day, inevitably but will the rest of the world allow me? Or will they keep pushing against me until I give the reaction they are looking for just to send me back here. I might follow them then, try not to change their mind because what use is it to change those who are not willing to do so. Or maybe I'm the one who still needs changing, or maybe neither do. If I were given the choice:

I don't want to leave, not yet. 

I’m not ready.

What would await me out there? How much will be different, and how much will be the same? 

The latter half is what keeps me awake really, how much wouldn’t change. Would Sapnap still want to spar with me or simply banter, or just sit around and watch nature with me and George. George.. God what a mess that will be wouldn’t it. Another burnt bridge for a plan I believed in, do I- should I fix these connections? I internally want to say yes, yet I feel the urge to just let it be. Let the sleeping dog lie for what good is it to try and reform what cannot be made. Would creating new connections work? Is that a better approach? 

Good thing I have a long and silent time in order to do so. 

I used to believe obsidian was a sign of adventure, to face one's fears and enter a world unlike those you’ve grown up in, yet this isn’t the same obsidian. The tools made to form your own path and mark your own now a tomb for myself and the land I called my home. To contain instead of release, to wither instead of strengthen. What do you do now with no one by your side. Do whatever you want? 

I could never

I already stood alone and now I stand with the dust and ashes of a self I do not see as my own...

To fear the inhuman isn’t wise. More than 60 percent of the population is some form of inhuman, even if they don’t appear so at first glance. I, a mannequin, Wilbur, part whale and Quackity.. is quackity. However to say what I saw was your typical inhumanoid would be an understatement- 

I need to stop. I don’t want- But I-.. they won’t find this right? I don’t want them to- they Can’t find this. I’ll burn it if I have to- but.. But this- I need this..

I can scribble it out if needed, or rip the page out! I- Are those footsteps.. No no no- He- The Warden isn’t until later. Don’t let them know. Don’t let them know. 

But things will get worse if I don’t say anything.

I always felt watched, ever since I first made a name for myself. Whether it was from an adoring fan or those parting the way, not wanting to inconvenience me. So I’m not unused to having attention thrusted upon me at any opportune moment, even if I wasn’t trying to be. Though after a few months there started to be this.. presence to say the least. I could never identify who or where this feeling came from, but there was this feeling of.. wrongness. Like how you feel like you are forgetting something, but it’s on the tip of your tongue. It always happened when I was alone or nearly so. I rarely found myself in any form; whether that was doing challenges with Sapnap and George or simply bantering with Callahan and the others. I never liked the quiet, maybe that's just from the manhunts, but the anticipation of waiting for something to happen was never a comfort to me. I’d much rather be the one causing that then be on the receiving end-

When I first realized he was there, I wished I didn’t. Ironic in a way, it was a tournament.. or well more so a duel between me and Techno. The air was crisp but not too cold, the way you imagine August to be before the first chills of October. And even though I lost that day, what made me stop was what I saw while on the ground, exhausted after the final round. To describe him as anything moral would be a lie. He was watching us; watching me, and I’m used to people staring. I'm not the most humanoid creature in existence, but that man. There was something off with him. 

The me back then wouldn’t have remembered anything physical about him other than the innate feeling of deja vu when we made eye contact. And then it clicked and at that moment, I felt myself want to run. But I couldn’t, millions are watching and if I run now then all that attention would be used against me. I bared through the hollow feeling of Techno hauling me up off of the floor and eventually meeting the duel organizer and his crew. And right there was when I saw him. Shorter than me by a few inches with brown eyes and a smile others would see as trustworthy, he had a simple black hoodie with a smiley face, my own merch. It shouldn’t have affected me as much since the event literally had my name plastered over it, but the implications of that sweater did not bode well with me. 

He congratulated Techno and said his condolences with me, saying he was rooting for me the whole time, but the only thing I processed was how it felt like claws were grabbing at me when we shook hands. I was clearly bigger than him, yet it felt like I was miniscule compared to him. As if something was hiding just below his skin and was just waiting for the right opportunity to rip it away from me. His grip was like 10 different hands were digging into my plastic skin and were hooking their claws into me. He told me his name, but I can’t remember it, it feels like static and errors, the kind of noises George would emit after getting severely injured, but he had no scratches on him; no implications of injuries either. I took as swift a leave as I could while also being respectful, but I could not wait to leave that man's sight. 

He never did leave me.

Out of the corner of my eye I could almost see him, and understand why I hated that handshake. His body was stretched, his legs disproportionate to his body, arms almost touching the ground and his hands. His hands looked like three separate pairs of fingers were all melted together on the same base, yet each moving together in sync. Besides the blatant horror that I couldn’t even perceive head on, it was the purple tint to him that really made me double take, not just turning around and questioning why he hasn’t left me alone yet. Purple scales were normal for dragon hybrids, yet his skin had a magenta tint to them. Different spots had dark magenta spots that would blend out with the rest of his pale skin. It appeared in some spots like he was melting as well, unable to withstand the constraints and contortions of his own body in a host too small for their own. 

It was then that I realized why I hate the quiet so much.

For it was his calling card.

The next time I met him was before all the wars and the eventual degradation of the server I once called home. A time before the wars, a time before Tommy, I yearn for those days sometimes, when the prison walls are so bare they allow me to daydream for a long forgotten past. I was chopping wood, taking my diamond axe and skewering the wood with the sharp blade before I heard the sounds of parrots. I was in the middle of an oak forest and the closest jungle wasn’t for another two thousand blocks. I followed the noise until a twig broke behind me and I turned and saw him again. The same creature from the duel. His long torso was bigger than that of the trees and his head brushed against the tallest branches of the trees, leaves falling to the ground, turning to stained glass when they touched his body. He had a smile on his face, one of contempt as he looked down upon me. My first instinct would have been to aim for his arms, but something told me that would have ended badly for me, so I didn’t. I found myself asking who he was and he chuckled, in the way molten lava does and responded “As time would describe itself to history >;}” before going back to smiling down at me. I knew there was more to it but when I turned my head to grab a potion to ready myself, he was already gone. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I’d see him in the reflections of the water, he never did truly.

The last time I saw them was when I was gathering my own supplies in the final battle against them, the heroes of the story. I needed everything I possibly could in order to insure a victory that I would never achieve. I had gotten used to working alone after everyone started leaving each other. I couldn’t trust anyone anymore so what use would the company be anymore. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the figure that I’ve allowed him to slip my mind, and that's when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I drew my blade, turned around, and there he was.

The dark tinted purple of the portal bounced against his skin and the floor from the other side of the room. His shadow, a kaleidoscope of colors even against the blackstone flooring, almost touched my feet. I wasn’t stupid, I tried banning the creature so many times, but he always broke through, always able to make his way back in, and at that point I didn’t see a reason to try anymore and I let him be. 

I regret that action now. 

He stood by the portal, not moving an inch as his body melted together and reformed as our eye contact never separated. It never felt like he was looking at you. It was like he was looking beyond you at something you didn’t even know existed in the first place. He tilted his head to the side slightly and with a smile too big for his face he asked. “Does the character now want to become the playwright <:} ? Discover a level of self identity that you can never contain ;}”? He giggles like broken glass and as he walks behind the portal frame, and leaves me alone in my thoughts as I clench the cold glass bottle in my non dominant hand. 

I don't want to meet them again. I don't want to see the Man in the Spiral Sweater who only appears when I’m alone, yet where do I go? I am contained within a commissioned cage and all I have is the lava to keep me safe. But it won’t keep him out, it never will. If code couldn’t before why would molten rock do the same. I’m biding my time for I know that he has something  he wants to do to me- but what- why- what could I possibly give to him that I haven't destroyed by my own two hands- Why hasn’t the warden shown up- where is everyone else- how do- “Why, hello there Dream :) “

[scnnyfm-old]

chicago’s very own sunshine ‘sunny’ carmichael has been spotted on madison avenue driving a bmw 3 series , welcome ! your resemblance to dua lipa is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-third birthday bash . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re sensitive , but being altrustic might help you . i think being a cancer explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be the scent of bubblegum, an abundance of house plants, and freshly baked cookies . ( cis female + she/her ) 

helloooooo ghouls, goblins, and everything in between. it’s ya girl aneesa or whatever fun nickname you wanna call me, and this is my child sunny! you can reach me via ims or catch me on discord at 𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐬𝐚 🦋☀#5408

* && 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐬

full name — sunshine carhmichael

nicknames — sunny (preferred name actually)

birthday — july 15

height  — 5′ 8″

age  — twenty-three (23)

pronouns — she/her/hers

occupation(s) — singer, record executive, fashion/cosmetics brand ceo, fashion designer, reality show star, & model

languages spoken — english (barely)

orientation — bisexual

* && 𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀 𝑺𝑶 𝑭𝑨𝑹...

sunshine hawthorne grew up in the foster care system, according to the letter her mother left her, she was just a teenager with strict religious parents who threw her out the minute they learned of her pregnancy, and sunshine’s father was nowhere to be seen, and giving sunshine up was easier than living on the streets trying to fend for herself and a child

SEXUAL & PSYCHICAL ABUSE TW growing up in the foster care system was a lot, she bounced from family to family, and the things that happened were unspeakable. sometimes the abuse was physical, emotional, or sexual and it just caused a lot of deep personal trauma for herself that was never resolved

this caused her to become reserved, stuck up for the underdog even if it was at her own expense, just intrinsically unselfish, has always been the mom friend to a fault

she was 10 when she got adopted into an extremely wealthy family, like i’m talking top ten wealthiest families in the states, and suddenly sunny hawthorne became sunny carmichael 

so let’s take a minute to talk about the carmichael’s 

they originate from old money, i’m talking so far back it’s unclear whether or not the money they have was obtained legally or not, this caused her parents to be a little reckless w their spending

her father: sebastian carmichael is the one who inherited the wealth from his father, who inherited it from his father, and the cycle continues, he was addicted to gambling add that to the fact that he was a serial cheater and you have an extremely poor father figure

ALCOHOL & DRUGS TW her mother: davina carmichael was a drug dependent alcoholic who spent all of husband’s money to makeup for the fact that he was cheating on her, started her own billion dollar company from scratch, plans on ‘giving it’ to sunny

the carmichaels were very problematic and all of their scandals were extremely public, in fact the only reason they adopted sunny in the first place was so that they could appear more well-rounded then they were

after that would come give siblings, and it fell upon sunny to take care of all of them, so from a young age she acted extremely mature, learned to fend for herself, and still managed to have a soul flourishing with tender spots

sunny was a gifted kid, not academically, she struggled A LOT, she had trouble paying attention, couldn’t read as well as the other kids. she got teased a lot for being ‘dumb’ and honestly hated it, it’s one of her biggest insecurities to this day. but what she lacked academically she made up for artistically, she was musically inclined, and it was clear that she loved to draw (apparent from all the doodles in the margins of her notebooks)

her family capitalized on this as if she were some sideshow attraction, come see our daughter! look how good she is at painting and doodling! pay us money! and although it made her feel like some trophy the could polish and show off, and this messed up sunshine even more because she knew deep down they didn’t love her

in high school she was the bubbly ditzy popular girl, chewed on enough bubblegum to finance a new mercedes, and just was that stereotypical girl ripped straight out of an early 00′s movie

was on the cheerleading team because again i tell you she was just living her best teen life! having an amazing time! vibing!

although her parents could give her anything they wanted and were decent enough to pay the bills for her and her siblings, she wanted to provide for herself, not have to depend on her parents for anything

she got into modeling! and although t took her a while to find her footing eventually she did, and it was a great time! but eventually parents got jealous and made her quit modeling altogether, because god forbid that she get more attention than they did

eventually (and to everyone’s surprise lmao) she went to college, and somehow got accepted into an ivy league....for art! not as surprising, but her family lied and said she went to business school bc of course they did

she went to harvard and majored in visual arts, she got her degree, and got her her happy ass out of there, mostly stayed focused on her studies, occasional party here and there

she was extremely worried about her siblings and she immediately went back home to them, surprisingly they were in one piece, not surprisingly they were being raised by nannies

she applied her visual arts degree and started designing clothes, then modeling said clothes, because although her parents had enough money to get her company off the ground, she wanted to do it by herself

and she did! finally bringing a decent name to the carmichael family!

was a guest judge on a bunch of modeling/runway shows, occasionally starred in her family’s reality tv show against her will, and was so dynamic she would be offered her own, and of course she jumped at the opportunity! 

her mother tried handing off the company to her, and she declined! instead she opened up her own company selling her designs and was very hands on in learned to make cosmetics, and her company has been doing extremely well so far, it’s set to surpass her family’s company in a couple of years

as if she didn’t have enough on her plate she wanted to pursue her singing career, ended up having a whirlwind romance w a singer that she collaborated with, they were pretty serious and talked about being engaged, but eventually things fizzled out

said romance inspired a lot of her music, and encouraged her to keep going with her music career, she even worked her way up to the title of executive of their label, she’s on top of the world

she’s come a long way from the shy girl from foster care who afraid of her own shadow, but she’s lost none of her softness!

still extremely charitable and even started multiple charities all ranging from helping fund the foster care system to providing more funding for no kill shelters (she’s a vegan!) all of her charities are nation wide and oh boy does she have a lot on her plate

has....literally no time for anything else....still tries to prove to herself that she’s definitely not stressed and has so much free time! sdflksj tries to party and have fun, but mostly craves staying inside and takes baths with scented candles and just watches the same romcom over and over again 

* && 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭

....okay so maybe it’s not completely believable that she got into an ivy league with her own merit, after all she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed and spoiler alert she didn’t

her parents bribed an admissions counselor to let their daughter in their visual arts program, they even donated enough money to renovate the art museum 

all of this happened without sunny’s knowledge and she continues to live in blissful ignorance about the whole thing

* && 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

zodiac — cancer rising, cancer sun, & scorpio moon

alignment — lawful good

mbti — infp-t

enneagram — type 2 ( the helper )

temperament — phlegmatic

house — hufflepuff

positive traits — ( + ) altruistic , committed , conceptual , curious , courteous , determined , generous , humble , inventive , imaginative , loyal , loving , organized , passionate , playful , reliable , selfless , supportive , thoughtful , and trustworthy

negative traits — ( - ) anxious , cautious , compulsive , critical , disorganized , dogmatic ,, hyperactive , indifferent , insecure , impulsive , logical , oblivious , pedantic , protective , and resilient

* && 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

please don’t feel limited by this list because i have a brain the size of a walnut and this is all i can think of these are almost all ripped off ryker’s intro bc i’m not creative

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑭𝑨𝑴𝑰𝑳𝑰𝑨𝑳....

family friends  maternal or paternal cousins

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑨𝑵𝑻𝑰𝑪...

past crush  current crush  flirtationship except she prolly doesn’t realize bc head empty  unrequited love ( on either side )  fwbs  will they? won’t they?  someone her friends are trying to set her up with  forbidden love of some kind idk maybe not  exes on good terms  exes on bad terms  first love high school or college romances  summer romance  childhood crush friends to lovers  pr relationship somebody who leads her on 

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑷𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑶𝑵𝑰𝑪...

BEST FRIEND / ROOMMATE PLOT BASED ON NEW GIRL OR FRIENDS PLS I WILL GIVE YOU MY EVERYTHING  best friends  confidants  ride or die sibling like friends  close friends  neighbors??  enemies to friends  reunited childhood friends drunk / party friends  someone she’s a good influence on  bad influence  unlikely friends  secret friends, aka friends who do not hang around in the public eye as their family or friends may not get along  #married....just they argue and love each other like a married couple

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑵𝑬𝑮𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑽𝑬...

enemies  former best friends  frenemies

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics. 

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48 

AO3

This chapter is co-written with @theministerskat, who has also made the banner, knows every little corner of Ann Arbor and has been on this ride as my beta almost from the very beginning! Love you, Kat! ❤️

Also, I want to say a huge thank you to all of you for still being here, loving these two goobers and their story!

Chapter 49. Midnight

Michigan. Jamie’s dorm. His new life.

I drew a heart into the condensation that had accumulated on the window overnight. Through the bold, clear lines of my doodle, I could see the fresh layer of snow that had fallen in the early hours of the morning, blanketing the city in white. It was like a clean canvas, impatiently awaiting an artist to make the first stroke.

Like our lives. Everything felt new, and yet familiar at the same time. I didn’t know this place, or the future that awaited us; but I knew him, and myself, and I felt that was enough.

Jamie began stirring in the small bed across the room, and I turned to see him reach a hand out from under the covers, searching for me. I felt my heart constrict at the amount of love that instantaneously engulfed me.

My sweet, ridiculous Scot.

The floor was cold under my feet as I padded back over to the bed and crawled in next to him. I wedged myself into the crook of his arm, trying to steal as much body heat from him as possible.

“Good morning, Sassenach,” he whispered when I finally settled in. He kissed my forehead without opening his eyes, and I could feel the smile playing on his lips as they lingered between my brows.

“Good morning, yourself. I’m cold,” I purred. “Warm me?”

A sigh of contentment escaped him as his other arm came around my waist, pulling me impossibly closer to his body, my living furnace. I felt my own body relax and melt into his, and allowed myself to enjoy a quiet moment with him after so many months apart.

To just be, together.

“What are our plans for today?” I mumbled into his chest after a few minutes.

He didn’t answer right away, and I looked up to make sure he hadn’t fallen back asleep.

As if he were answering my unspoken question, his hand roamed up from my waist and back down, fingertips gracefully gliding over the bare skin of my back. When he reached the swell of my buttocks, he took a firm grip and pulled my hips tight against his.

He was most definitely awake.

His head tilted down slowly towards mine, placing a lingering kiss on my lips before moving to the spot behind my ear.

“Plans?” he whispered between light bites on my ear lobe and kisses just beneath there. “My only plan is to keep ye locked in this room for the rest of yer visit.”

I moaned in response to that suggestion, and felt his reaction to my noises, but just a bit further down.

Trying to not to let him distract me too much, I pushed him a bit more for an answer. “Knowing you, Jamie Fraser, you most certainly have plans for us.”

“Aye, ye’re right. I do.” Another kiss, and then a lick across my collar bone that sent a shiver through me. “But for right now, my only plan is to make ye whimper.” And before I could process what was happening, he dove beneath the covers.

It would never be enough.

--

We eventually untangled ourselves from the sheets of Jamie’s bed around noon, realizing that if we didn’t actually put some effort into getting up, we would stay there forever.

I wanted to see Ann Arbor; it was the city that had enchanted Jamie from the moment he had arrived. I longed to see the things that were a part of his every day, and spend time in his favorite spots.

It was a selfish desire on my part. I wanted to create memories with him so he would still be able to feel my presence wherever he went when I couldn’t be there. I wanted to talk to him on the phone and know exactly what he was seeing, not just imagine the place as a vague picture with fuzzy lines. I wanted Jamie to walk down a street and think of me, how we strolled there together, how he laughed at my jokes.

Stupid, egocentric, overwhelming love. I didn’t want him to forget me.

“Where to first?” I asked as we pushed our way through the front doors of his dorm.

“This way,” he said as he took my mittened hand in his, “I have something special I want to show ye, Sassenach.”

It took us 15 minutes to reach the iron gates of the Nichols Arboretum.

“The locals simply call it The Arb, but I’ve only come here a few times,” Jamie said, letting go of my hand for a moment to pull his beanie back down over his ears. The red curls falling across his forehead were speckled with little snowflakes. “But every time I’m here, I think of you.”

“Only when you’re here?” I asked with a sly smile.

“Always,” he hastened to remedy, “Always! But even more when I’m here. It may sound dumb, but it reminds me of our walks through the parks back in the Edinburgh. Reminds me of home.”

He dropped my hand again and moved a few, wide strides ahead.

I didn’t follow immediately, but turned and took in the bit of wilderness around me, in awe that such a place could exist within a city. It was gorgeous, and the snow covered trees and paths glittered as the sun poked its way through a break in the clouds.

As I completed my circle, a white bomb hit me square in the chest and exploded. I gasped through the cold wetness and wiped at my face.

“But there is never so much snow in Edinburgh!” he said, laughing. He actually dared to laugh.

“You’ll pay for that, Jamie Fraser.” I sneered and ran to him, ready to inflict my revenge on him in any way I could. I tried, with no success, to pull him down into the snow. Before I could realize how, he managed to wrestle me into the air and I ended up with my head against his back, while he fondled my ass, conveniently set upon his shoulder.

“Put me down!” I exclaimed, pounding my fists against his back. He carried me as if I were as light as a feather.

My response released another fit of laughter from him. “Oh I did miss you, my Sassenach,” he murmured, his hand still groping at my butt.

“Me or my arse?” I asked, actually curious.

“Both. I didna ken I could have one and not the other.” He pinched me lightly, then advised me to stop moving before we both fell.

I stopped, and he let me slide down him, slowly, never losing control. His eyes were glinting with happiness and a few unshed tears of joy when I looked at him, standing flush to his body.

When we resumed our walk a few minutes later, I noticed the wooden edges of flowerbeds left to hibernate over the winter. “I guess it will be heavenly here in the spring,” I said, trying to imagine all the colours dancing around me.

“Ah, was it a bad idea to come here?” Jamie asked self-consciously, looking at me with a frown. “It’s only bare trees and snow now, would ye like to go somewhere else, Sassenach?”

I gave him my warmest smile, squeezing his hand. “It’s wonderful, Jamie. It’s so quiet and calm. Everything white, so pure.” I pulled him to me and placed a kiss on his cheek. “I love it.”

Jamie let out a breath, content with himself. “I thought ye would. And there is a river further down!”

He walked in silence, as we had done countless times before, in a life miles away, in a time that felt like years ago.

We neared a lonely wooden bench that was situated under a tree, with thick bark and wide branches.

“I was thinking…” Jamie started, then trailed off. He glanced at the bench, then back to me. “We had our bench on Calton Hill.” He tipped his head in the direction he thought Edinburgh was, although I had no idea which way east was either. “I thought we could have our bench here, as well. Since I’ll be here for--”

I didn’t let him finish his thought. My lips accepted all the love he offered, all the little ways he cherished what we had. I strained to keep the tears from falling, thinking of all the means by which he had already linked this place with me, even before I had set foot here. I showed him my giddy smile though, realizing how stupid I had been, thinking that he’d come to forget me.

He sat down and pulled me onto his lap, and we watched stray snowflakes fall, looking at each other every few moments, trying to take in our new way of life. When I started shivering, Jamie motioned for me to stand, and we resumed our walk.

“Cold already,” he said and shook his head disapprovingly. “I had told ye that first day,” he stopped, and gave me a small smile, “That ye’re a blue-nosed Sassenach.”

I laughed, thinking of the day I discovered how warm Jamie’s hands always were. “Mmmm, you did.”

“I had gone back home and spent the rest of the night thinking if you might have taken offense. But then, you’d given me yer number, so it couldna been that bad.”

“No, not that bad,” I agreed, feeling the warmth of his hand through my gloves. “Not bad at all.”

We followed a path along the river, and when my limbs became sufficiently cold to complain about, Jamie agreed to go to a coffee shop for a little break.

He suggested at least ten different options with great coffee and tea, but we settled for the one closest to central campus, that he frequented every morning before class. On our way there, Jamie greeted several students that passed by us, and I started wondering just how popular he had become here, and in such a small amount of time. It seemed that the tall, redheaded Scot had made quite an impression.

Jamie told me all about the swim team as we neared our destination. He went on about their training, the new coach and the facilities at the university. Everything had surpassed his expectations. He was enraptured, and I felt my heart swell for him. He had made the best choice, and I took a little pride in the fact that I had helped him do so.

“When will I meet John?” I asked when he finally stopped to take a breath from his rambling.

Jamie hesitated for a moment as he held the door open to corner coffee shop for me, but finally continued once we took our spot in line.

“He texted me this morning, Sassenach. Hector is having a party at his place tonight, and John asked if we wanted to go.” He looked at me, uncharacteristically indecisive. “I would rather have ye all to myself, but I don’t think I’ll be able to, now.”

“We could go,” I shrugged. “We’ve had all day to ourselves, and it’s not like I’m leaving tomorrow.” Jamie made a sad face, and I pulled him down to me for a kiss. “We still have plenty of time! Plus, I want to meet John.”

“Aye, he wants to meet ye, too. Even though I dinna ken whether the combination of the two of ye will turn out well for me.”

I snorted and looked at him cunningly. “Maybe I’ll make him tell me your secrets.” I wiggled my eyebrows and he laughed.

“I think ye already ken all my secrets, mo chridhe,” he whispered in my ear and pulled me closer. The older women behind us coughed loudly just as our lips met again, and we apologized, stepping up to the counter to order.

We sat at a table near the wide glass windows, looking out at the street. I felt warmth finally seeping into my body, and with the hot coffee between my hands, the tall Scot sitting across from me, I couldn’t hold my smile back.

We talked about Edinburgh, about Jenny and Ian who were trying to persuade Brian into producing cider as well, and of Rupert and Angus, who had returned to Edinburgh and started a shop fixing bikes, in a forgotten basement close to the city centre. We talked about Oxford, and about my next visit before more obligations would start on my part. It felt wonderful, talking to him again, feeling his hand holding mine, reaching out and touching him. So simple. So perfect.

After several refills we were ready to face the cold again, and left the small cafe. Jamie had a whole list of things we could do, but our late start to the day severely limited our options now.

“We could browse the art museum for a bit. It’d be warm in there,” he suggested as he tightened the scarf around my neck.

“I’d like that,” I told him and we set off.

The museum itself was small in comparison to others, but still held a number of intriguing installations that we found ourselves discussing quietly. Belatedly, we realized that we’d never perused a museum together, and agreed on visiting more of the collections in the following days. On our way out, I noticed a display advertising the museum’s African art gallery and made a mental note to make sure we made it to that one.

The sun had already set when we left the museum and both of our stomachs had begun rumbling for food. After grabbing a quick bite to eat at the student union, Jamie texted John asking for Hector’s address.

“What kind of party will this be, exactly?” I asked while we waited for John’s reply.

“What d’ye mean, Sassenach?”

“Do we need to dress up?” I raised an eyebrow, then raised my arms, indicating that my huge, puffy coat may not be proper party attire.

“Och, no.” Jamie shrugged. “I dinna think it will be anything fancy.” In an instant his arm was around my waist, pulling me to him. “Ye’re beautiful, babe,” his said in a most sincere, mellow voice. “So beautiful that I’m thinking of texting John we willna make it.”

I smiled against his lips and took them in mine.

Later that night, nestled between Jamie’s body and the arm of Hector’s sofa, I closed my eyes, listening to the soft notes of the guitar. It was dreamy.

“D’ye like it, Sassenach?” I heard Jamie’s whisper, his arm pulling me closer to him.

“Mmmm… I envy John.”

That startled him, and he moved back to look at me. “Why on earth would you envy John?”

“Well…” I chuckled. “Hector is tall, handsome, kind, clever, with his own apartment, and he plays the guitar. Isn’t that obvious?” Jamie made a sound I couldn’t characterize, but I was sure it wasn’t amusement. “What?”

“Nothing,” he murmured, turning his eyes away.

“Hey,” I crooned and pinched his side. “Are you really jealous of Hector?”

“I’m not jealous!” he exclaimed a bit louder than he meant to be, and John scowled at us, his gaze leaving Hector for the first time since his boyfriend had started playing.

“Oh, come here, you…” I paused, grinning, but Jamie didn’t look at me. “Chippy Scot!” I finished, bringing my hand around his neck, and lowering his face to me until I could capture his lips in mine.

I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the song. When Jamie pulled back to look at me again, he had a crooked smile on his face.

“So, ye like me more?” he asked, and I rolled my eyes.

“I love you, stupid--” I didn’t get to finish my sentence, his teeth taking hold of my bottom lip.

Hector continued strumming soft tunes on his guitar, now with John sitting next to him, when Jamie’s eyes went wide with panic.

“Where is your coat?” he asked, springing from the couch.

“In a room, somewhere.” I looked at him puzzled, unable to understand what had gotten into him all of a sudden.

A minute later he was back, with our coats, scarves and gloves in his arms. We said a hasty goodnight to the rest of the group and took our leave, Jamie practically dragging me out onto the street.

“Jamie, what’s going on? What’s the matter?” The cold felt like an attack on my body, and I struggled as I tried to put on my gloves, while fixing my scarf tighter around my neck.

“What time is it, Sassenach?”

“What? What does it-”

“Claire! The time!”

Giving up hope of getting words out of him that made any sense, I dug into the pocket of my coat for my phone. I held it up to my face and the screen lit immediately.

“It’s 11:48. Why does it matter? Will your carriage turn into a pumpkin come midnight?” He chuckled at my stupid joke, but took my free hand in his and led me down the snowy walkway.

“Aye, I’ll make sure I leave my glass slipper behind.” I looked down at his long feet, laughing at the notion of Jamie in slippers. “Come on,” he said, tugging at my hand. “It’s a ten-minute walk in the best conditions. We have to hurry.”

And with no more explanation than that, he began walking, pulling me along behind him as I nearly ran to keep up with his long strides.

Even properly secured against the wind the night air was cold against my cheeks, and I knew they’d be a deep pink by the time we got to where we were going.Jamie didn’t slow his pace, but he kept glancing back to me to make sure I was alright, a large sly smile spreading wide across his face.

After what seemed like the longest street block in history, Jamie turned and I saw the coffee shop from that afternoon on the corner. He kept moving towards an archway ahead of us, and I knew it led into the diagonal yard he had shown me on my tour of the campus earlier in the day.

Unsure where exactly we were going, I was surprised when Jamie suddenly stopped in the middle of the archway. Not expecting such a sudden halt, I crashed into the back of him and felt my feet go out from underneath me on a rogue patch of ice.

I braced myself for impact with the pavement, but Jamie caught me before I went down. He held tight to my arms as I steadied myself and I glared up at him.

“What in God’s name is going on, Jamie Fraser? Why the sudden rush out into the cold?”

“What time is it?”

I glowered at him, but didn’t protest this time and looked to my phone once again.

“11:57.” The smile I had seen on his face during our walk reappeared, this time even bigger.

“This is the West Hall Engineering Arch.” He raised his hands and gestured to the brick archway all around us. “It was built in 1904. A long time ago, the female students lived way up in that direction,” he pointed towards one end of the arch, “And the men lived down here on central campus.”

He closed the distance between us, hands coming to a rest on my hips.

“After a date, the lasses and laddies,” I giggled at his put on heavy Scots accent, but he ignored me and continued, “Would part ways for the night right here and say their goodbyes. Legend has it, that if ye kiss someone at midnight under this arch, ye’ll marry ‘em. So, Sassenach, I’ll ask ye once more, what time is it?”

My brained stopped. My pulse quickened and I felt my heart flutter as I looked down to my phone a final time.

“Midnight,” I whispered, but his lips were on mine before I could get the entire word out.

Chapter 50

[huangels]

lunch tray girl and cast boy - jeno (part 1)

request: oof honey, i'm in need of some jeno angst with a fluffy ending, like i know i don't have an actual plot but just, angst! and fluff! i shall repay you with my life. (i love your writing btw just wanted you to know)

a/n: ok lowkey highkey suck at writing angst so i tried :), there will be a pt 2!!

summary: In a world where the name of your soulmate is imprinted on your right wrist and the name of your enemy is imprinted on your left, you run into trouble as the same name appears on both arms, Lee Jeno. 

genre: soulmate!au, fluff, angst

warnings: slight bullying? idk

word count: 3k

(part 2)

Time flows like dried cement. You check the clock attached to the front wall of the classroom for the time. A minute has passed since you've last checked for what seems like an hour ago. Sitting there with nothing to stare at but a projection screen of a boring history topic and a monotone teacher babbling on about some war is excruciatingly boring.

You begin to drift into a daydream, your eyes roaming towards your right hand that loosely held your ballpoint pen. You turn your arm slightly to get a glimpse of your right wrist, hoping that what's previously there has disappeared or changed. Yet, to no such avail. The name "Lee Jeno" is still imprinted there, ever since birth. Supposedly, the name of one's soulmate appears on his or her right wrist. And on the left, the name of one's enemy.

Your eyes drag over to your left wrist, reading the printed name.

"Lee Jeno," you whisper quietly to yourself, your breath fanning over your left wrist, causing goose bumps to form.

For 17 years, you have always been confused and thought there's something wrong with you. The same name appears on both of your wrists, making your soulmate but also your enemy the same person. You have never met a Jeno before, and you're not even sure if he lives in the same country since his name sounds foreign.

The sound of the bell rings, waking you up from your thoughts.

"Great, I guess I'm not meeting him anytime soon..." you think to yourself as you pack up your textbook and notes, "but is that a good or bad thing?"

Swinging your bag over your shoulder, you pull down the sleeves to your blazer and exit the classroom. Outside, your best friend and her boyfriend stand, waiting for you. Both of their right arms have each other's name, and they are very lucky to find each other this quick in their lives. Your parents met when they just graduated graduate school at age 23 and didn't date until they were 24 and then married when they were 27.

You're scared to meet your soulmate enemy but you also don't want to wait that long. It's very conflicting.

"Hey, what took you so long," your best friend says as the three of you walk to the exit of the school.

"I'm one-half sloth, I thought you knew that," you respond with a grin, shaking off the previous thoughts of Jeno. Your joke earns you an arm slap from your best friend.

"Hey control your girlfriend, she's being abusive!" you say to her boyfriend, who is also a very close friend of yours. He throws his hands up in defeat as your best friend sends him a threatening glare.

"She's the boss, I can't do anything about it, sorry Y/N."

You guys all laugh it off, making our way towards the train station. Your train always comes 15 minutes late so you find a picnic table near the rails, not wanting to miss the train roll by. Your friends and you chatter on about any topic that comes to mind until the blare of the train beckons its arrival. The three of you get up and make your way to one of the opening doors, standing behind the bright yellow line. More people gather around as well, waiting to enter. It soon becomes crowded around the yellow tape, as everyone waits for the train to fully stop.

The door slides open with a ding and the familiar mechanical voice of the instructions lady booms through the train. You're about to take a step into the train until you're roughly pushed over by some guy, your foot almost falling into the crack from the ground to the train. However, you're quick enough to react and pull it up before any damage can be done.

You look up to see who it is but only getting a glance at the backside of the culprit, as he quickly made his way to the back where it seems like his friends are sitting and horsing around. The guy has shaggy blonde hair and wore the same school uniform as you.

Your eyebrows scrunch as you brush it off, not wanting to cause a scene on the busy train. He goes to the same school so if you ever see him in the halls, you will give him a piece of yourself.

Your friend and her boyfriend ask if you're hurt but you huff them away while standing near the side. Because of the incident, you don't have anywhere to sit as everyone piled into the train within seconds, taking all of the available seats.

"What an ass...I feel bad for his soulmate," you say to yourself, arms crossed over your chest. The guy sits improperly on the backrest of the seat, with his feet situated on the cushion of the actual seat, leaning on his knees with his elbows. One of his arms has a wrist cast on it, completely white and blank. You take further notes on his appearance: chiseled jaw, large nose, broad shoulders, long legs.

Your best friend calls you, channeling you back to them with a hum. The rest of the train ride you try not to focus on the rude boy. Until the train stops at the station before your's, and the guy jumps off, waving bye to his friends. You're slightly annoyed that he didn't even acknowledge you or apologize for almost breaking your ankle. But, once you see him in school tomorrow, you'll teach him a lesson.

A week has passed, yet you did not get to find the boy with the white cast who shoved you on the train. Your school isn't a big school, with only about 150 students in every grade. So you thought that you'd actually run into him at least once in the hallways. But, luckily for him, the boy is nowhere in site.

You contemplate whether if he actually does attend your school or not. Yet, he does wear the same uniform. Maybe, he's in a different grade? Or just in different classes that are not near yours?

The school bell rings for lunch as students pile out of classrooms and slowly towards the cafeteria. You consider on just forgetting about the whole thing. However, you feel obliged to find out who the boy is.

As you stand in the line of the food court, you scan around the courtroom trying to spot a tall guy with platinum blonde hair and a white cast. The line moves up and you follow, still looking for the culprit. You don't notice that the line has stopped moving until you walk right into the back of the person in front of you. Your metal tray falls to the ground as you stumble back.

The person turns around at the clang of the metal against the tile floor, his eyes wide and confused.

"Are you okay?" he asks, bending down to pick up your empty tray. The boy extends a casted arm towards your way, the tray in his hand. Your eyes shoot open as the cast comes into view, then whips up at the boy. Upon seeing his face, you know it can't be the rude boy from the train. The student in front of you seems too nice, as he smiles, crescents forming at his eyes and the ends of his lips tilting upwards. The ends of his soft light hair sway delicately over his forehead. Besides, his cast isn't white but full of signatures and little doodles of cats. It must be another guy.

You take the tray with a small thank you and the boy turns back around.

"Miss. Y/L/N!" someone calls as you walk down the hallway of your school, heading towards the exit to go home. You turn towards the noise. Your maths teacher Mrs. J, waves her hand from the doorway of her classroom, requesting for you to come. You comply and enter her classroom.

"Good afternoon," you greet her.

"Y/N, we have a new student in your grade that needs to catch up on work in his classes. The class president is busy with other school related things and you are one of the top 5% in this school. Will you be able to tutor the student until he is all caught up with the rest of the class?"

"Of course, Ms. J!" you assure her, with a nod.

"Wonderful! I knew I could count on you!" your teacher claps her hands together excitedly. "I told him to meet you at the library after school. I had to drop off some papers at the front desk so another student guided him there. He already has his textbooks and workbooks with him. Now go along, I have many errands to run. Goodbye and thank you again!"

After Ms. J walks out of the room, you make your way to the school's library, which isn't that far. You push open the glass doors as you enter the building. There are already students gathered in different groups, studying and doing homework. You pick up your foot but immediately put it down as you have no clue where the student is, who the student is or what the student looks like. The library is as vast as the whole campus of your school. You have no idea how you're supposed to find the student.

You recall Ms. J mentioning the student is a ‘he’ a couple of times, so you scan the first floor for a boy who is alone.

"Why am I searching for so many guys lately?" you ask yourself mentally. No one around seems to be waiting for someone as everyone looks busy with work.

"Excuse me," someone behind you says. You then realize that you've been standing in front of the door for all this time.

"Oh sorry," you apologize, stepping away from the entrance, still trying to look for the student.

"Hey it's the lunch tray girl," the person says, which causes you to turn towards the speaker. Standing next to you is the tall blonde haired boy from lunch, the same colorful cast on his arm.

"Haha funny...," you say, teasingly rolling your eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I have to meet with my new tutor to work on stuff," the boy responds and holds up a stack of books held in his left hand.

"Ahh, I see cast boy. Well have fun studying," you respond with a quick chuckle. The boy leaves with a slight nod. His arms sway as he walks away, a math textbook peaking out.

Suddenly, your brain finally reacts and your eyes widen.

"Hey wait!" you call, running towards the boy. He stops in his tracks, looking back with his signature crescent moon smile.

"What's up?"

"I think I'm actually your tutor," you say through light pants.

"Oh! So you're the Y/N Ms. J told me about. You're late lunch tray girl. I was waiting by the door for 10 minutes and no one showed up so I went to Ms. Jung's classroom but she wasn't there as well. I was just about to leave but I thought to check the library again," the boy tells you. A hand flies to the back of your neck. You apologize before leading the both of you to an empty table in the back of the library and begin working.

A couple months have passed since the first time you've met with the cast boy for tutoring and with every meeting, you become closer to the other. The both of you have shared a lot about each other but didn’t quite exchange names. The boy knows of your name from Ms. J. However, you have never asked for his  name for some reason. Of course, that doesn’t stop you two from being good friends, as the boy calls you lunch tray girl while you call him cast boy in return. 

The two of you are situated at the same table in the libvrary, working quietly on the math assignment. A soft sigh escapes your lips as you scribble the answer to a question, bored out of your mind. Your eyes start to wander around the room and lands on the colorful cast.

"What happened to your arm?" you ask, breaking the silence. The boy looks up from his workbook, barely filled up indicating that he is also bored and not paying much attention.

"Ah, I tripped and landed on it during dance practice a few months ago," he explains, glancing at his right arm. You nod and stare at the cast. Dancing seems fun but it's also serious business as it seems. A silence falls between you both. Turning back to your workbook, you pick up your pencil to start working again. The other doesn't break eye contact with his cast. A couple minutes pass by before the boy speaks up.

"Who's your soulmate, Y/N?" he questions, now staring up at you. A cough erupts from your throat. You put down your pencil to look up at the boy.

"And why would I tell you?" you say, crossing your arms and eyeing the other.

"Why not?" he counterattacks.

"Then tell me your soulmate first."

"I wish I could."

You tilt your head to the side with a confused expression.

"Nevermind," the boy waves it off. He faces his workbook, eyes glazing over the words but not picking up information.

"No, explain!" you say, curious. You prop your chin on top of your hand, giving the cast boy your full attention.

"Well..."

You lean in as his voice becomes quieter.

"I kinda forgot what name is written on my wrist," he mumbles and looks towards the ground.

You lean back into your chair with a hand over your mouth, trying not to laugh in the quiet library. The apples of his cheeks turn to a deep shade of pink.

"How-," you say a bit too loud, earning stares from other students. You lower your voice, "How did you forget your soulmate's name?"

"Shut up! My cast has covered it up for a while and I've never met a person with that name, it kinda sounds foreign, so I didn't think about it much."

A giggle threatens to escape as you bite down on your tongue. The boy looks up with scrunched eyebrows.

"Okay, I told you as much as I could. Now tell me your soulmate!"

You shake your head from side to side, eye closed.

"You didn't actually tell me a name so I won't tell you a name. But I will tell you this," you lean in even closer until you're right by his face, "The name on my right wrist is the same as the one of my left."

It takes a while before the boy's eyes grow wide.

"Wait! Does this mean that they're the same person?"

You send a quick wink before returning to your work.

It's been a few weeks after winter break. You no longer have to tutor the cast boy as he is all caught up with his work and is on the same path with everyone else. This means that you haven't seen him in a while, or talked to him. You didn't even get to ask him for his name. A part of you wanted to continue to be his friend but he slowly slipped away. You don't know why it makes you a bit sad but you carry on with life anyway.

"So the main character didn't even know his real loved one. He was fooled, blinded, deceived by the evil bitc- Hey are you even listening to me?" your best friend waves a hand in front of your face. You blink back into reality as you turn your head from your locker to the girl next to you.

"Yeah yeah, his loved one is evil," you respond half-heartedly, grabbing your necessary books for the next class.

"No, you egg! Well I mean his girlfriend his evil but that's not his true love- ugh nevermind. You clearly don't care about this kdrama."

"I'll watch it once I have time."

"You always have time, you just don't want to watch it."

You sigh and face your best friend once again, opening your mouth to respond but is interrupted by squealing down the hall.

Both you and your best friend turn towards the commotion. Everyone makes way for two people, stepping to the side. The two people, a boy and a girl, walk down the hallway, locking arms. The boy's uniform is untucked on one side while the other is tucked into his pants. His hair is gelled back slickly, with a stray piece of hair dangling over his forehead. He holds onto his school blazer over his shoulder with the unoccupied hand. The girl, blond and thin, wears her uniform incorrectly as well, with her skirt pulled too high and the button up tied below her chest. The girl you are far too familiar with, she has tormented you ever since grade school, for a reason you do not know. Though, people have told you that your name is imprinted on her left wrist.

"Who's that?" your friend’s boyfriend asks.

"The Devil Eunhan and her boyfriend, Jeno."

You drop the textbook in your hands, causing your best friend to whip her head towards you. Your complexion turns white as a ghost, eyes and mouth are frozen wide open in an expression of stunned shock. Something in your stomach churns and your lungs seem to not be working correctly anymore.

"D-did you say J-Jeno?" you begin weakly. "As in...Le-Lee Jeno?"

"Yeah, you know him?" your best friend asks. Upon seeing your state of appearance, she rests a hand on your shoulder, "Hey you okay?"

As the couple walks closer you get a clearer view of his face. The only thing you see before everything turns black is the face of cast boy, holding onto the hands of Eunha.

「 to be continued... 」

[tinybibmpreg]

day 23 // ft. Rhisiart, Valerie, Weylin, Weylin’s relatives, Yovak & Indigo & the twins & Violet

#58 / Threat

“I don’t know what’s wrong, okay? I’m just... really tired.” Although Rhisiart had apparently become something of a good liar while she was gone, Valerie could still tell when Rhisiart was lying about how he was feeling. It was like he broadcasted a ‘something is wrong, please help me’ signal whenever he was upset around her.

Valerie knew she couldn’t just say that, though. Whatever was bothering him had made him really nervous, and she didn’t want to risk making it worse. She rubbed his arm, and gently tugged him towards the stairs. “Then let’s get you to bed, alright?”

“Okay.” He followed her up, one hand hooked under his belly, the other holding onto her for support. Upon making it to the bedroom, Valerie noticed that his expression was openly worried. When he saw her staring at him, a slight frown on her face, he gave her a forced smile and said, “You know, I think it’d be nice if we could gather up all the kids- I could read them all a story. It’s been a while since I did that.”

He’d done that just three days ago, so that was just a cover for something. At least now she knew that whatever he was worried about involved the kids. 

She decided to test the waters. “I think Violet and the twins are busy learning from Rieka.” Weylin’s only female cousin often looked after their youngest child and only daughter, Violet. The toddler was very proficient in natural magic, and Rieka did her best to teach her how to control it alongside Weylin. “And Yovak is studying.”

“Valerie, please. Can you bring the kids here?”

“I will.”

-

“My cousin’s lover is frightened,” Rieka said as Valerie came over and scooped up Violet, ushering the twins up. “He wants to keep the children close in order to protect them. What is he frightened of?”

“I don’t know. Something must have spooked him while he was outside.”

“I do not sense any danger in the yard, nor feel anything on the property. Yet, he is scared. Shall I fetch my cousin?”

“Uh...” Valerie shrugged. “Maybe just tell him something’s bothering Rhis, that he’s worried about the kids.”

“Of course.” She dipped her head and took off. 

One of the twins whimpered, and Valerie looked down at him. Two pairs of worried purple eyes stared back up at her, little mouths twisted into frowns. “It’s okay, sweethearts. You’re going to be spending some extra time with Mommy and Daddyand your big brothers today, okay?” 

She dropped the three of them off with Rhisiart, who looked relieved to have them safe in his arms. He hugged the three of them, giving each of them a kiss on the head.

Yovak was sitting on the back porch, carefully reading from a book of runes. Indigo sat cross legged next to him, doodling on a few pieces of paper. “Boys, your dad wants you to come sit with him and your siblings upstairs.” They didn’t protest or ask any questions. Yovak closed his book and got up, while Indigo gathered up his things. They followed her back up.

Rhisiart gave them each a hug and kiss as well. Valerie sat down on the bed as well, close to Rhisiart so she could rub his back. The kids sat in a semicircle around him, Violet in his arms. “I’ll get a book and read to all of you, alright?”

-

After a story, the kids all laid down for a nap. Rhisiart laid down as well, sighing as the kids snuggled up to him. Valerie waited for her husband to fall asleep so she could leave and continue doing chores, but Rhisiart didn’t close his eyes, and held her hand.

“You should sleep, Rhis.”

“I don’t think I could if I tried.”

“I thought you were tired.”

“Yes, I am, but... I just don’t think I’ll be falling asleep for a while.” He stroked Yovak’s fluffy white hair, and that bothered look was back in his eyes.

“What’s got you all keyed up, Rhis? Rieka told me she couldn’t sense anything dangerous on the property. And Weylin’s been in the basement all day, so he couldn’t have upset you... Unless that’s what bothering you?”

“Not really. That’s part of it, I mean. It’s... Honestly, Val, it’s kind of stupid.”

“Whatever it is, I promise it’s not stupid. You’re scared, and I just want to help.”

“Then...” He bit his lip, and then winced as he almost pricked it with his sharp teeth. “Then can you stay with me until he comes back?”

“Of course, love.”

-

Weylin came into room, all smiles and bustling with excitement. “The evening meal is ready! Are you kids hungry?”

“Hungry?” Yovak echoed, brows furrowing with confusion. He was fully weaned off of eating physical foods now.

“Yes! Every few years, the Corbane family gathers up enough mirages to feed everyone, and we eat our year’s worth all at the same time. There’s also ritual prayers and such, but we completed that. There’ll just be one prayer before we eat, and one after.”

“Mirages...”

“So, ah... Valerie, my dear, if you and Indigo would rather sit this one out-”

“Yeah, I think we will.” She pulled Indigo closer to her.

“Delmar, I’ve prepared some food for you as well, and will give the baby their dose of proper fae food through...” He gestured to his mouth. Rhisiart made a face. “The entire family is taking their seats now. Come on, my dears, I know you’ll love it.” He helped Rhisiart up, and then picked up Violet.

Rhisiart grabbed his arm. “Weylin, wait, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Whatever it is can wait, Delmar. I have to get you all down to the basement and start the prayer.”

“But-”

“Ah, ah. Hush.” Weylin gave him a kiss, and then nipped his lip. Rhisiart winced, tongue darting out to the now bleeding spot. “Mercies, I got a bit carried away! Come on, children. Say goodbye to your brother and mother. We won’t be seeing them for a couple of hours.”

-

Rhisiart was hardly eating, and Weylin frowned when he saw him continue to pick at his food. The kids were all eating heartily, both fae and human food. Violet was even enjoying some mushed up mirage. He kept a close eye on him, trying to figure out what was wrong. He’d gotten more rattled as they came down to the basement, and was almost shaking with anxiety as he sat down at the table.

Maybe he should have listened to him when he said he needed to tell him something.

Well, it didn’t really matter. He’d prayed to the Gods to reveal to him what he needed to know as family head, and if they willed it, he would know eventually.

Yovak asked one of his father’s cousins to pass him a knife, and Rhisiart stared at the exchange, glass of water stopping halfway to his mouth. As Yovak took the knife, his cousin glanced at Rhisiart. The glass dropped out of his hand and shattered on the floor.

“S-sorry, sorry-”

“Oh, that’s bad luck,” his cousin said. “Don’t expect things to go your way the next few days.”

The terror that radiated off of Delmar was exquisite, but strange. He’d only been terrified of the family once before, shortly after he gave birth to Yovak, when he’d thought they were trying to trap him in Otherland. He shouldn’t have been scared of any of them now.

The Gods had revealed the cause of his husband’s anxiety.

“Cousin, so specific. Bad luck doesn’t have a time limit. It could occur any time between now and next meal. Yet you sound so certain.”

“Just a feeling.”

“Only Rieka and I have such feelings.”

“He’s probably right, Weylin.” Rhisiart twirled his fork in his food. “You know how unlucky I am.”

“Even with all the good luck charms the kids and I give you?” Ah, there. Rhisiart seemed to shrink in on himself, and his cousin’s face hardened. “Is there something wrong, Cousin? You look upset.”

“Nothing, Cousin.”

“Are you sure? Because if I’m not mistaken, I’d say you were angry with me! But whatever for? The prayer was adequate, the food plentiful, the ritual done without any error-” He gasped in mock surprise, bringing a hand to his chest. Rhisiart pulled Violet from her highchair and held her close, looking between them. The other children got the hint and scooted closer to their human father. Weylin pouted, tilting his head. “Is it our attendee list that upsets you so, Cousin?”

“I would never doubt your choice of guests.”

“Strange that you call any of your family members guests. The Gods demand our presence.”

“May I speak freely, Cousin?”

“Weylin...”

“Hush, husband.” He gave Rhisiart’s arm a squeeze. “Keep eating. You need enough food for the baby as well as yourself.” It didn’t escape his notice that no one else was eating.

“Please...” Rhisiart gave him a pleading look, blue eyes shining with worry.

Weylin gave him a soft smile. “Relax, darling. Stress isn’t good for the little one.” He turned back to his cousin. “Now, of course you can speak freely.”

“I don’t see how it is the Gods’ wishes to allow you to pollute this family with human blood. All your half-breeds, this human broodmare you’ve taken- it’s disgusting!”

“Cousin... I am the family head. You mustn’t question my decisions.”

“I fail to see how this mockery of our culture- these little parodies-! I don’t see how they’re in accordance with our traditions!”

“So, you do question my decisions. Cousin, I hope you realize what that means.”

“I told your human pet that if I were to defeat you, I would allow him and your offspring to live in the house, keep their wastes of mirages. As long as he kept the children in line, he’ll be perfectly safe.”

“And if not?”

“Children can be replaced.”

“Really! I don’t agree. Now, it’s a pity to ruin the holidays, but...”

-

Taking Rhisiart’s face in his hands, Weylin kissed him and then sighed happily. “There, no need to fear my cousin any longer. The Gods have him now.”

“Thank you...”

“Delmar, you know I would do anything to protect this family and her structure. You, Valerie, and the children are just as much a part of the family as any one of my full-blooded relatives.” He put a hand on the man’s swollen belly, and leaned in close so it would bump against his own thin frame. “So if any of them threaten you again, come straight to me and don’t shut up until I’ve heard what happened.”

“Okay, I will.”

“Good! And tell Valerie the same. Now, let’s return to her and Indigo. I’m sure she’s worried about you.”

[the-musical-cc]

Egon/Janine. 50 sentence prompts (by harmony283 in livejournal)

((I made these back in February during my breaks from studying and to cure the extreme block stress was causing me at the time. For any universe you like, unless stated otherwise))

1. Blame // Egon doesn’t mean to hurt her, but he’s done it time and again and he never quite allows himself to forget it.

2. Proof // “Make as many charts as you want, Egon, but they don’t prove a thing when you look at her like that” Ray mutters, somewhat amused.

3. Assistance // Janine’s never more aware of how short she is and how tall Egon is than when he has to reach her a cup from the top shelf.

4. Going // Sometimes he watches her walk away and allows himself to wonder if this is the one time she's gone for good.

5. Birthday // When Ghostbusters Inc. turns ten, it dawns on her that she’s been loving him that long and that loving him still isn’t quite as much an effort as one would think.

6. Scientist // If science is based on observation, how come he is so blind?

7. Silent // Just because he’s never said the three magic words out loud doesn’t make what he feels any less real.

8. Behalf (IDW) // “You know your father loves you, don’t you, Howie?” Janine asks their son because Egon can’t.

9. Rumor // Someone mentions how tall men are supposed to be long all over and her face colors as she smiles reminiscently.

10. Tip // Winston gives him advice when he can because God help Janine if Egon went asking Peter for advice of all people.

11. Idle // “In my defense, it was a slow day” she mutters when he finds an entire page worth of doodles of him and the guys.

12. Brother (IDW) // Janine knows Winston, Ray and Peter are picking on Roger out of brotherly concern for her, but that doesn’t stop her from wanting to rip their heads off for it.

13. Beneath // She rocks her hips and sighs and he drinks in on the sight from beneath, fingers twitching with want over her thighs.

14. Redecorate // “All I’m saying is we probably could do without the fungi sample shelf over the dishwasher” she drops dryly.

15. Gravitation // Despite his scientific mind set, he does believe in love and how powerful and irresistible a pull it can be.

16. Quilt (Good ending AU) // Egon looks down at Jillian’s sleeping form, removes the safety googles from around her forehead and gently tugs the quilt until the edge reaches her chin.

17. Afterthought (RGB) // “I love you- Peter, Winston, Ray, all of us! We love you!” in her heart of hearts, she smiles bitterly at the addition.

18. Unearth // Every time her feelings for him come back in full force, it feels a bit like a zombie and the frustration -why won’t you just die??!- that comes with one.

19. Shield (EG) // Eduardo makes an off-handed comment that Janine would take a bullet for Egon and regrets it when Egon glances at him in mortification- because he doesn’t doubt it.

20. Blacklist // Despite his obvious advantage on the matter, Egon never insults anyone’s intelligence...until they start dating Janine, that is.

21. Misquoted // “I never said I would never try and pursue a relationship with her, I just said it’d be...gawkish if I did”

22. Copying // She can always tell when he was falling asleep over his notes because she has to transcribe the text into legible characters afterwards.

23. Argue // He never does retort when she snaps at him and she can’t help but take that as yet another sign of disinterest.

24. Lens // They’re foggy and useless by now and she moans into his mouth, don’t stop, and they’re off within the second.

25. Bell // She manages to reach for the alarm button to warn him before the entity attacks her and the world fades into the dark and the ringing.

26. Arrested // “Go home” he calls over the ruckus, cops dragging him and the others away from her on Peck’s wake “Go home. Stay safe”

27. Havoc (EG) // Something breaks on the lab floor and she takes a minute to lower her cup and sigh in resignation.

28. Tool // Janine’s gotten so good with the wrench that Ray practically swoons and Egon has to physically contain himself from doing the same.

29. Blanket // He should take some offense in the fact that she’s using his lab robe as a blanket but it’s hard to.

30. Fancy (IDW) // She looks great in that purple gown and she knows it...and judging by the amount of glances Egon’s thrown her in the last hour, so does he.

31. Dash // They’re running for it, the collapsing firehouse and ruptured containment unit roaring at their backs and their hands holding to each other.

32. Away // Distance does nothing to ease the way he finds himself keeping her within his mind at all hours, and it honestly makes him more curious than alarmed.

33. Syndication // It takes the three of them and Janine to get Egon to go to sleep before deprivation kills him, but they somehow manage to.

34. Champagne (RGB) // She reasons that seeing them all back from stopping the end of the world yet again, alive and well, is good enough a reason to celebrate for her as she breaks out the champagne from Peter’s hidden stash.

35. Note // If it weren’t by the multitudes and multitudes of post-its she leaves around, reminding him to drink water, he would probably be dead by dehydration by now.

36. Physical // She’s singing along to an Olivia Newton-John song playing on the radio while she files and Peter elbows Egon with a grin.

37. Dull (RGB) // He doesn’t enjoy the films she watches any more than she enjoys the lectures he watches, but it’s bearable when they’re together.

38. Frozen (IDW) // Time really is relative, he reasons- it went faster for them in the pocket dimension and now it’s screeching to a halt with Janine’s lips on his own.

39. Stumbled // He stumbled upon his feelings for her like upon an open sewer- kicking, cursing and head-first.

40. Hurt // At some point she realizes the hurt is still there, she’s just pretty much used to it now.

41. Gibberish (IDW) // “Am I missing something?” Egon asks and Howard sputters something that sounds like ‘Bruhpptfbuh’, grinning toothlessly from his play pen “I can’t support that thesis, son”

42. Camp (RGB) // The cold gets so bad that they all have to hurdle together in one tent and Egon finds he doesn’t mind her being pressed to him as much as he used to.

43. Weak // Janine wished she were strong enough to keep herself form falling all over again but damned her if she knew how.

44. Bargain // “Alright, Spengz, how much will you give me to keep the, ahem, slime tub anecdote from reaching Janine’s ears?” Peter smirks.

45. Alcohol // Drunk Egon forgets that curtains are flammable and- is it bad that she finds it kind of hot?

46. Wind (RGB) // It howls over the ceiling of the firehouse and Peter suggests they tell ghost stories, if only to give her an excuse to cuddle close to Egon on the sofa.

47. Temptation // There’s only so much she can do to stop herself from touching his hair -how does it do that?

48. Eighteen (Good Ending AU) // By the time Jillian turns eighteen, she’s already modifying packs and building gizmos herself and they couldn’t be prouder.

49. Battle (IDW) // Egon briefly forces himself to ponder whether he’s really willing to fight a horde of dead vikings to get her back and isn’t really surprised to realize he is, without question.

50. Rhythm // She feels his heartbeat begin to race under her hand and presses another kiss against his jaw, smiling.

[sunliteuphoria]

monday. cold tiles send shivers up my legs as i watch mix-matched socks tumble and turn, the smell of fresh linen lighting my senses ablaze. your back was turned to me as you folded your colors by shade, ginger tresses pulled up into a shapely bun, strands of hair spilling like leaves from a willow around your face. it was this day our eyes first met, your lively blues a shimmering pool for my golden irises to reflect off of, illuminating the once dimly lit caverns of my heart. hope that had once fled from the gates of my heart slowly crept back in as i watched you move unaware of the world around you, the only moments you seemed to come back to earth was when you turned my way, smiled that smile i remember all too fondly, say ‘have a nice day’ and left, cold air following behind you as the door shut slowly, pulling the air from my lungs as you walked away. tuesday. it’s not that i pretended to be going to a friends apartment to see which one you lived in, but i definitely made a conscious effort to get off on the wrong floor when we ended up sharing the elevator when i was coming back from work. i was still in my uniform, the mock referee shirt showing you that i have no stable career at 23 years old and i can also tell you about our buy one get one half off sale on sneakers going on through the holiday season. you smiled at me again, a friendly acknowledgment of our shared existence, something that lingered in the air between us long after you looked back down at your cellphone. your eyes reflected the screen, an endless moving array of photographs by hundreds of people that were apart of your life, reminding me that i wasn’t one of them. a strange jealousy overcame me, and i wished that you’d stumble upon a photograph of me somehow and wish i was in your life just as i wished for you to be in mine. wednesday. 7.04 AM was at the mailboxes, the sound of jingling keys beside me alerting me of your presence, just seconds before the scent i yearned to become familiar with hit my nose, reminding me of the youthfulness of our relationship, floral notes masking the scent of light perspiration that seemed to always cling on to your apron. 'morning,’ i said casually, reaching into my own mailbox and sifting through the envelopes while trying to covertly look at you from the corner of my eye. you looked up at me and smiled that smile, inviting me into your life for a brief moment, and said 'i’m just getting off, unfortunately.’ i didn’t know what to say, but i turned to you and offered my own, slightly crooked, not nearly as sweet, bare toothed smile, and said 'well, goodnight then.’ you let out a soft chuckle and reciprocated, closing your box and leaving me again with just the memory of our encounter. i told myself to pull each thought that was racing through my head together, collect themselves, and straighten up. i didn’t even know your name. 5.56 PM was at the grocery store two blocks from our building. you were standing outside the building, your small hands gently traipsing over the petals of fresh flowers, stopping every so often to bring one to your nose and inhale the sweet scent of flora. i came up beside you quietly, hands shoved into my pockets, and you stopped moving your hands when you realized i was there. 'tulips are my favorite flowers,’ you said in a hushed tone, not looking up at me as you began gliding your fingers over a bouquet of pink and purple, and not two seconds later was i reaching into my back pocket and handing the cashier a ten before i plucked the same bouquet that your delicate touch graced up from the rest and handed them to you. red spread across your face and you finally turned to look up at me, hands gripping onto the flowers tightly, and muttered a soft 'thank you,’ before bringing them to your nose to inhale their scent once more. i still never asked your name. thursday. it occurred to me when i lay in my bed at night, staring at the textured ceiling of my small apartment, that i was becoming increasingly infatuated with the idea of you. my gaze began to linger on you for longer periods than what would be considered socially acceptable, and i somehow always found myself in the same vicinity as you, luckily our campus was small so it wasn’t too hard to find you somewhere inconspicuous, as it always just seemed to be happenstance that we were always together, even when we were yards apart. contrived was my daily routine, as i began to change the routes i walked and the places i studied just for the off chance that i’d catch a glimpse of you walking past my table, book in hand, as your skirt billowed behind you, skating on the air of purity you seemed to drag with you.  friday.  i haven’t seen you in 26 hours, and i’m not sure what i’m doing but i’ve been sitting outside of our building for at least three now and i’ve smoked more cigarettes than i should have but i can’t risk the chance of not seeing you again. you haven’t been anywhere, i’m starting to worry, and i don’t know if i should knock on your door and check up on you or just keep a cool head, but i figure i’ve never been the one to choose rationality so i muster up as much courage as i could and went inside the building, punching the button for your floor. i knocked four times, but you never came to the door. i debated leaving a note, but the chance of being overly creepy i decided against it, though anyone could say the behavior i was displaying was already a bit much, but i tried not to think about that. saturday. i asked the doorman about you today, he said you’d been by the building a few times yesterday, and i wondered how i missed you. i asked him if he’d seen you today and he said no, but his voice was hesitant and for some reason i felt like he was lying to me… did you tell him to? i didn’t understand why you would, i’d never been anything but polite to you, all i wanted was to know your name but i could never bring myself to ask it. i stayed in my room for the majority of this day, ignoring the work that waited for me at my desk and the calls that kept coming to my phone. i withdrew from the world for a few hours, shutting out everything except my thoughts, and tried to come to terms with the end of us – an end that never was, since the beginning barely was. sunday. there was a u-haul truck parked outside our building today, and this was the last time i ever saw you. you had your hair pulled back again, the same lioness look you sported the first day we met graced you yet again as you rolled up your long sleeves and lifted up boxes upon boxes into the bed of the truck, and i watched as you took time in between lifting to look at some of the memories you were packing away, as if you were trying to relive them in that moment. i waited until you seemed to be finished, let you take your hair down, and then came up to the truck offering a cautious smile. 'moving out?’ i asked, hoping you’d say you were helping a friend, as it would make this less painful. 'moving back in with my parents,’ you replied, the strangest look of sadness appearing on your face for a split second before being replaced by a bright smile. 'at least now i’ll have free meals,’ you added, i’m guessing to lighten the mood, or to convince yourself that things were going to be okay. 'that’s a shame,’ i said quietly, putting my hands deep into the pockets of my ratty jeans, looking down at them and wishing i had chosen something different to wear the last time you’d ever see me. 'it’ll be okay,’ you said, walking to the door of the van slowly, and climbing in, and i shut the door behind you, watching as you put on your seat belt and start the truck, signaling the end of the chapter of our lives that we shared. 'i’m glad to have met you,’ i said as you adjusted the radio, and i wish i could get in the passenger seat and come with you. 'i just wish i could have known you.’ i spoke again, this time finding confidence in my words as i spoke them, letting them fill the silence that came between us after they were uttered. you gave no verbal reply, just a soft smile and a wave before pulling off into the street, leaving me behind. it was the smallest heartbreak i’d ever experienced, but for some reason this one hung heavily on my mind. monday. the warmth from the towels in the basket attached to my hip radiated warmth that made me think of you, of the time we first met, and how that just a week ago i’d never known anything in my life like you, nor could i ever. the elevator let out a soft ding as it approached my floor, and i walked to my apartment as i always did, slowly, and came upon a surprise as i made it to my door. a post it was placed just over the peephole, and there was a small note written on it in cursive that reminded me of sunshine and blossoming flowers (or perhaps that was the sun and flower doodles that were all along the edge of it). it read, and the words have been forever etched into my memory,  '212-490-0051 know me. – gwen (apt. 320)’

hopelessly romantic // m.g.

[90sgrungelouis]

ALL 65 QUESTIONS please

OH JESUS FUCK OK HERE GOES 

im gonna put this under the cut because ohhhhh lord 

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

like in a matrix-y, were all living in a simulation and nothing is real kind of way, or a youre actually living in a coma dream state and ur body is in some hospital right now, OR in the youre actually dead and living a purgatory world and you just dont realize it kind of way? Because yes, all three 

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

mmmmmm 3.5, bonus points if its outside

3. The person you would never want to meet?

for the first time? maybe trump, or satan cowbell

4. What is your favorite word?

what are you trying to do huh? thats like making me pick between my children, i refuse to pick

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

oooo maybe a cherry blossom tree that would be nice

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i look a mess 

7. What shirt are you wearing?

this tank top my friend designed 

8. What do you label yourself as?

sexuality-wise? uhhh jurys still out tbh but im pretty sure im somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and im 90% sure im gay

9. Bright room or dark room?

one lamp

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

crying because i couldnt focus on writing my essay 

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

ehhhh

12. Who told you they loved you last?

the ot5 gc :’) 

13. Your worst enemy?

grapefruit

14. What is your current desktop picture?

its the default mac one, it used to be a picture of the womens march but my computer fucked up and reset it, ive been too lazy to change it back

15. Do you like someone?

i like many people

16. The last song you listened to?

irresistible by one fuckin dee boi

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

too many people

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

see above

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

nooooooo

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

my jazz hands

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

i have no idea bro

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

being the radical gay feminist in my family, its a tough job but someones gotta do it

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

those grates on the floor in the street, i always step around them

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

something vegetarian idk

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

concert tickets

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

can it be a one way ticket i want out of this shit country 

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

jose cuervos tequila yasss

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

no bois 

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck is always a solid choice. i like using really pg curses too tho like heck or dang 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

my sick ass memes 

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

all of middle school LMFAO 

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

sick! that wasnt a question my dude ;)

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

my pet gerbil

34. What was your last dream about?

idek man

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

no

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

yea

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

kind of

38. What is the color of your socks?

theyre pink and brown fuzzy bunny socks

39. What type of music do you like?

i used to think i only listened to indie but its a really varied mix of punk indie and top 40 tbh

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

both

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

cant go wrong with vanilla

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

yikes

43. Do you have any scars?

yes

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

haha

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

ehhhh

46. Are you reliable?

maybe?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

where do i end up bro

48. Do you hold grudges?

ohhh heck yea. i tend to them, like little pets 

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

a UNICORN DUDEEEE

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

ur asking a person who has a memory of a goldfish

51. Are you a good liar?

not really 

52. How long could you go without talking?

probably a couple days

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

i think ive been ok so far

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

ofc

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

im terrible at those

56. What do you like on your toast?

anything you got

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

halloween doodles

58. What would be you dream car?

maybe a jeep? idk 

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

ehhhhh

60. Do you believe in aliens?

who do you think i am

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

sign me up for that astrology shit

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

u (hehe see what i did there)

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons

64. What do you think about babies?

theyre cool i guess

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

idk what to do with this one soooooo tada!! i finished it woop

[dumbbelle]

do you have any favourite blogs??? like any kind of blogs!! (just curious skmfmd)

This got outta hand so quickly. But here was my overall answer:

I follow a lot of seventeen blogs. Like a lot. But I also follow a lot of people who are generally nice and who have cute tags because they help brighten up my day. I like art blogs and those calming aesthetic blogs because they make my dash prettier. And I follow my in-real-life friends like @leechansthighs and @verifiedspheniscidae and @vernaans no matter their content (although their blogs are all still A+ content and I’d probably follow them regardless). And I like @myetie so much that I played Mystic Messenger just to better understand what was going on in her artwork because her art is cute and funny and I stumbled upon it accidentally so I had to catch up. 

But to get specific? Hmmm, well, in no particlar order…. 

Of course I have my mutuals like @miiinghao @kimbapkidding @thatgirlcatt13 @jeonwonxwoo and @kw0njisol who I probably forgot to reply to like 3 billion years ago in chat but are still amazing and I love with my soul but am too nervous to say anything to because I know the only reason we’ve stopped talking is because I’m disorganized af. 

And then, well, @fyhoshi probably dominates my dashboard with HD Hoshi pics (not that I mind, really). Seriously, if you’re a Hoshi stan, follow them (you likely already are). You won’t regret it. In a very similar way, if you’re a Woozi stan, then you’ve gotta follow @woozioppa for all her constant updates and flooding of your dashboard. Just from following her, Woozi jumped like 5 spots on my bias list because of all the Woozi content.

@pristeen-23 is honestly such a good friend (used to write on her blog but not anymore,,, GIRL I’M STILL MOURNING). She’s friends with so many people because she’s a beautiful human being and deserves to be loved and rolled into a warm blanket and fed good food bye. 

OKAY so who hasn’t heard of @woozifi? Honestly, whether it’s for Tessa’s art or Tessa’s writing (CHECK OUT HER AO3), she excels in whatever she does. Talk about multitalented. Her commissions are open here. 

I like art blogs a lot!!! @bodtster was probably the first fan art blog I ever followed and I am lowkey,,, in love,,, with Annie and her work (her personal @sailorpeach is hella aesthetic if you also wanna check that out.) Her commissions are open right here.

@94wnd Graphics man, graphics. She’s the pop of colour on my dash that always makes me stop and go “ooOoOhh” because her graphics are so vibrant and pleasing. And her writing is great too! Definition of that one mom friend who always makes you feel like honey, starlight, and warm hugs on a Thursday afternoon. She makes me feel good about my angst and I love reading her tags okay. 

I frickin love memes and shitposts, and I recently discovered @amemericans [I know, I know, y’all are all like “where have you been?” and ur rite where have I been?]. They’ve got the best memes in the business. We have recently formed the idol group Clickb8,,, and are accepting all applications – so rhymes, limericks, and haikus thx. 

@incorrect7teen always makes me laugh with her incorrect quotes and love for DK,,, She’s really sweet and interactive too. Her little window into her daily life and thoughts is really so entertaining, and one can’t help but want to be friends ^^

@doyomi has some great incorrect NCT quotes, so if any NCTzens are floating around. @gwikimchi is her main blog but she has like a million blogs that I apparently don’t follow even though I know them by heart??? FRICK I’M THE DAMN WORST. ( @lordyoungho for kpop horoscopes and @sebooty-lyfe for writing). 

Choco from @choco-seventeen is such a sweetheart and her writing is stunning. Legit, her writing will probably make you want to cry. Heck, I have cried while reading her writing. And I will continue to cry because she always gets better and better and is always looking to improve and wow everything she does motivates me. 

Did you know that if you looked up talent in the dictionary you’ll get @hansolmates? Legit when I saw her writing for the first time I blanched. I wish man, I wish. Her timing is terrific, her fluff makes me melt, and her angst makes me jealous. I wish I had an ounce of her skill. 

Another art blog I follow is @cutiepatoodieart, who never fails to impress. Joey’s style is absolutely breathtaking and I love her art so so much. As well, she always says what’s on her mind without holding back, which I think is admirable. Her commissions are also very open right here.

@hoshbrownie is precious. Absolutely precious. Eva will talk to you and make you feel like you matter. She will think about you and tag you in things and I’m actually teary-eyed because she’s so precious and every not-so-anonymous anon (hoshbrownie i see u) I get from her makes me so happy. 

@svt-husbands THE WELL OILED AND FAST WORKING MACHINE. You guys know who they are, of course you do. Great quality writing at insane speeds, these guys are everything I want to be bye. I remember first talking to one of the admins @squishteen , and I was like ??? How do such interesting people exist ??? She’s amazing and writes on her main as well, go follow her. I more recently started talking to @jeongguktm, and can confirm that yes she is as adorable and kind as one might expect her to be. ALSO JUST REALIZED THAT I RECENTLY MISSED HER BIRTHDAY and tf is wrong with me, this isn’t how you make friends. Happy belated birthday sweets

Jackie from @tookorean lowkey intimidates me because everything she does turns to gold. She’s hard working and loves Woozi and if that’s not enough reason to follow then I don’t know what is. Sometimes translates, sometimes does this. Another multitalented goddess on our hands, this is getting overwhelming. 

@vitaminniedk just read her tags and you’ll understand why I follow her. She also has probably the best theme around? Vivienne is as much of a sunshine as her bias, and you’ve probably seen her gifs floating around. 

Gen from @wonnhao is a gif goddess that you are probably all aware of and her interactions are really cute too so of course I’m following her. Aren’t you? 

@wasabi-duck who is on an indefinite hiatus but you should still see her writing anyway. She was the sole person who attracted me to the bullet-point style that’s getting more and more popular around here these days. My friends and I would like read her stories out loud at lunch over sandwiches and I feel nostalgic just writing this. She’s also very kind and I like the stuff she reblogs on her main @clockwork-lullaby.

@mounteenbase is back from the dead so check her out! Lots of fun lil blurbs and bullet-point fics. Fluff master and a lowkey meme master. Very cute and easy to talk to, fun and interesting as one can see from her main blog @mounteenbase-main. 

@saythename17scenarios is graceful. Perhaps that’s not the right word but heaven knows my vocabulary isn’t extensive enough to describe how I feel about Kimbap Mom. Her writing is distinctive and tactful, and she often finds the greatest of beauty in the simplest of concepts. One day she might write a full length multi-part fic and I will be here eagerly awaiting each update because I’m trash for her. 

@moodboards-and-profiles flowers and unicorns and everything pure. When we first talked she was legit one of the most encouraging people I’ve ever met, and I’m sure that remains the same despite our lack of communication! Actually has some really cute moodboards (that she should tag because she can gain some major attention winkwinknudgenudgeshoveshove). 

Oh and recently I started following @askjournalismsvt and this is probably my favourite SVT Tumblr AU ever. Sam and Kei perfectly portray Seventeen as members of the “Diamond City University journalism department” and answer questions with the cutest of doodles ack. They’re also hilarious and I want to be this funny. 

And whilst writing this, @puppetwritings popped into my head even though I just followed her like now. She was the first fanfic account that I got into way before I actually made an account and since I didn’t have an account I would just check her Tumblr constantly and put her in my bookmarks. I got busy after a while and then made my account after another while, but I can’t believe I forgot to follow such a phenomenal writer.

Anyway thanks for the question love! This was fun to write up and reflect on :)

[max-sparrow]

No- I am not the Wizard of Oz

No- I Am Not the Wizard of Oz

I feel as if I am looking at a mirage and all I see is sand- I am in a desert- helpless- As I watch the wind hurl the sand in a violent storm- something that is not real- that will never be real- that only I see- I watch it dance in front of me. My life and its truths have become a burden that is not easy to carry…

My name is Robert and I pen this story as my clock turns 1:30 a.m. I am sitting in my study at home. Presently I am captivated by distressing images and discussions of a patient that move through my head- one realization- after- the other- Almost as if I was flipping through a photo album- or perhaps even sand through an hour glass. I believe that writing this story on paper and with ink- well- it is the only way I can alleviate the burden that rests on my shoulder. This writing will be buried away in a drawer where I keep many of my sorrows. When I die, I know they will find my countless cases of distress hidden away in my bottom drawer— seemingly in shame. Yet, my experiences in life are anything but shameful- I am human and as such- I feel sorrow like any other man. In the world of psychiatry, I seem to understand the troubles of patients, unlike my colleagues. They tend to patients all day and retire to their home where they lead a normal life. While I- I am plagued by inadequacy. Although I am a Psychiatrist and I am looked upon for guidance- the truth is I do not always have the answer- No- It is not easy, but I mask my timid emotions well. Behind my glasses rests a pair of light blue eyes that look at my patients with curiosity, but I am careful with my gaze- I want to appear unbiased- I want to appear caring- But most of all- I want to appear sane. Yet, I admit- I judge my patients- In fact, on occasions I find some hard to like- and I know I am anything but sane. Yet, I give the appearance that I have the upper-hand and that I am- so to speak- The Wizard of Oz. The problem is- as I stated previously- I am human. The story that I have to tell at 1:30 a.m. rips into my flesh like a tiger pouncing on a calf as it searches for its mother in the foliage. Yet, before I tell you this story- I want to share my experience in Medical School, and how I came to enter this hellish existence. It will help you understand my predicament.

I remember attending college and taking a course called, “Madness in Medicine.” It was about the history of psychiatry and while people took it with strides- I was blown away with pity and sorrow. The idea that people in mental distress could be treated in such ways- I felt waves of shock overcome my youthful mind. As class ended on the very last day- I sat in my chair while students filed out. The professor was in the front of the room as he collected his notes. I approached him. “How? How can people be treated this way? Why would people who clearly have mental health issues- a medical condition- how could people only afflict further turmoil upon them? What can be done?” I asked him. I was naive- keep in mind- I was just a college student in my third year. And as I uttered those words- it was clear how emotionally affected I was. I realized this, and yet, I do not think the professor picked up on it, and if he did- he probably took pity on me. The professor looked up at me and studied my face for several seconds. He shook his head back and forth as his eyes trailed into deep thought and then he refocused on me as he said something that would change my life forever. “People are cruel- people are naive- but to be honest with you- I have no idea why people act the way they do. Perhaps that sounds odd- given that I am a psychologist,” He paused and chuckled slightly before continuing, “That is a good question, and I am not sure there will ever be an answer to that question. There isn’t a solution. At least not yet.” The professor looked at me in distress. Several moments passed and he said, “I am glad you got something out of this class.” He left out the door with me standing silently and in deep thought. As I stood still and calculated the professor's remarks- I realized I could be the solution. I would go into the field of psychiatry. My heart beats with love for this field of science in a rhyme that was keen to my youth and Nativity. I would complete college with an M.D. in Psychiatry. Yes, dear readers— I thought I had a solution. I would treat patients with care and kindness. I would look into the depths of their mind and solve issues like no person before… Yet, as my career progressed, and years began to unfold- one after the other- Well, I realized that this was going to be a hard journey. No matter what I did- many patients would wander down a stray road as I realized that I could not change people. Kindness does not alter the core of an individual with a mental illness, and pharmaceuticals are only a band-aid. Yet, I still thought there was a solution out there- Even after many years of practice— I would never admit to the callous remarks that professor had stated many years ago. I was sure there was a solution. But- it was stressful, and time wore on me. After a long day— to unwind— I would take to secretly smoking cigars and drinking wine in the evening as I contemplated the entire course of my life… Now that you have a greater understanding of my life- I shall tell the story that has kept me awake all hours of the night for the previous two weeks. It is a story that has broken my philosophy on life, and yet worse- broken my understanding of humanity.

I was drawing doodles on my note pad as I usually did when patients were in my office. It was not an attempt to ignore them, but rather- it was my way of dealing with stress. Trust me- I was always listening. Yet, some people thought I was taking notes and if a patient was curious or paranoid about what I was doing in my notebook, I would smile widely and show them the doodles. My patients would usually laugh or were amused by this. As I sketched out a picture- I was listening to a 23-year-old African American. We were in my office on a locked-down psych ward. She was beautiful African American girl, and intelligent - in-fact, she was going to college. I listened to her as I drew in my notebook. The way she thought- the way she carried herself- her verbal expression- she had a place in this world. However, what placed this youthful and talented individual in my hospital was that she had threatened suicide. We spoke for a long time. I enjoyed spending time with many of my patients- I liked talking to them— this was my only chance to guide them back on a road that would deliver them to peace of mind. It was the only chance I had, and I truly thought I had helped her and guided her onto a path that would drive her to success. She had been in my hospital for a week, and I finally placed my notebook down and I asked her, “Are you ready to return to your house?” She nodded her head and I stared at her soft face, youthful lips, and long black hair. She was always very reserved when speaking her thoughts. “Do you have any more suicidal thoughts?” “No,” she said as her eyes averted from my own. She had recently given birth to a child with severe defects, and I knew she blamed herself, but she was strong— I thought she could lift herself up. Believe me— I really thought this, but nevertheless, I have a lot of remorse over what I did next. “Okay, I am going to discharge you,” I said as I studied her. She was not an easy person to read, but I suppose that is a lousy excuse…

As I got into my office the next morning, I went through my newspaper. I know everybody is crazy about reading the news on electronics— all the damn gadgets, but there was something about holding a newspaper- the creases, the crumpling of paper- the flipping through pages- I enjoyed it. However, this morning was not going to be enjoyable. I read the headline- “23-Year-Old Steps in Front of Car on Highway.” As I continued to read, I would realize that this 23-year-old was no other than the soft face African American that had left my psych ward. She had driven her car by the side of the interstate and jumped into the traffic. Dead. I recall placing the paper down and closing my eyes in distress. I took off my glasses and bit the end of them as I recoiled in distress. Honestly, I thought she was going to go back to her home— I thought she was ready. Yet, ultimately I had failed her. I kept my composure as long as could, but this was where I cracked and I whispered into the air, “There isn’t a solution.” Her child would grow in a very cold world— a world where his mother committed suicide because of him— because she thought it was her fault that her son had birth defects. As I thought about this I brought my fists down on the desk with rage. Picking up my coffee mug- I hurled it at the door. Truth is, “There isn’t a solution.” That professor was right and I was naive to think I could change the world. So naive.

[katherine-rambles]

lately i’ve been learning a lotta things that.... make me wonder if i have low-key add/adhd?

evidence in the “probably” pile:

i learned recently that becoming angry at interruptions can be a symptom of focus issues, and that many add/adhd folks HATE interruptions.

guess who has literally scheduled her entire life around avoiding interruptions, since as long as i can remember???

like No Joke i would do homework in the early afternoon so my parents wouldn’t bother me whenever to do chores (because to them homework was Above interruptions, but nothing else was???) and then after they went to sleep i would read/play videogames/art/etc. all of which, had i done during the day, they would have felt ABSOLUTELY FREE to interrupt me and then get mad when i got mad at them for interrupting me and didn’t immediately drop it because i’m a stubborn asshat

from research of the above, i’ve learned about (and immediately converted to) the school of thought that “attention deficit disorder” might be inaccurate, and “attention regulation disorder” might be a better way of phrasing it. see this link for more info

from that link: “But with people with ADD, who have impaired executive functioning, the inability to self-regulate appears as laziness or lack of willpower. It clearly is not.”

i’ve always had IMMENSE trouble self-regulating. without places to be, work structures and schedules to support me? i 100% fall apart. i’m still having trouble, as a 23 yr old adult, at setting up bedtime and wakeup routines!!!

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be easily distracted by things like trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others.”

i can’t often stand music or tv or whatever while i work. either i just Stop Doing What I’m Doing and pay attention to the music or tv show (and thus waste a couple hours on tv shows i don’t even like) or i turn it off. 

relatedly: i cannot go to bed with the tv or music on, despite it being a regular occurance for many of my friends. (guess who stays wired up on sleepovers while other ppl fall asleep to media.... :^) )

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be forgetful about daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)”

i circumvent this now by writing a bajillion lists all the time, but when i was younger... i almost failed sixth grade because i wouldn’t bring my homework to turn in. 

which is to say: i would take it home, i would DO all of the work, but i literally forgot to bring my homework to turn in, on a regular basis, for the better part of a year. 

my teachers were confused at my great grades but lack of homework, so they talked to my parents about it, and that got drilled the fuck outta me, but... yeah

also? i can’t sit anywhere but at the front of classes. if i am not at the front i cannot pay attention, due to all the shit that people get up to. i’d love to join u at the back of class my delinquent friends playing games on your phones, but i cannot or I Will Fail. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Have a hard time paying attention to details and a tendency to make careless mistakes. Their work might be messy and seem careless.”

there’s a job in libraries that i cannot do. it is called Shelfreading, and basically, the idea is that you read the collection numbers on the shelf (that bit on the end of the spine libraries use to keep things in order) and make sure that the books are, indeed, in order.

i begin falling asleep maybe four feet into shelfreading. i literally cannot do it when i am Any degree of tired in the first place, but even when i am at my Tippity Toppity Best i’m the absolute worst at that job. it is my least favorite part of libraries-- even including the time I had to be a part of moving a library, and i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Fidget and squirm when seated.Get up frequently to walk or run around.

me. 

i can’t sit/stand still. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Always be "on the go"

when i’m not depressed, i ALWAYS need something to do. i have ‘patience’, but only if i’m doing something else in the meanwhile. 

for most of my childhood, i had drawing as a “something else”.

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Talk excessively

hhahhaaaahahhaha i’m so insecure about this but basically i can and often will babble on until you tell me to stop. case in point: look at how long this post is getting. i do that in speech, too

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Impatience

fufufuuuuuuuck it me. i literally cannot play some games because of how slowly the characters walk. i will never be able to replay the older pokemon games because of this. rip me

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Having a hard time waiting to talk or react

!!! i’ve channeled this into “interrupting folks to help them find words”!!!!!! 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Have a hard time waiting for their turn.

hhhhahmmmmm this might be a reason why i strongly prefer single-player sports. 

in tabletop, “waiting for my turn” doubles as “watch other people make fun things happen”. and any other time i need to wait i can usually do something else while i do so.

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Blurt out answers before someone finishes asking them a question.

yes. but it’s kinda rare, i wonder if this is one of those semi-gendered symptoms.

but also, did you mean, “raising my hand before the professor is done with their thought”? 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Start conversations at inappropriate times.

hhhhaaaa i’m sure becca can attest to my inability to wait five seconds before beginnning a conversation that’s awkward while the person who reminded me of something is still around. 

something that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

right now, i really don’t want to be spending money. and yet??? i have like ten purchases in the past three days or so around 10 bucks a piece. for random videogames, toys, books, a tiara, a hat i found at a storage store, a couple of things i thought would make great gifts for specific folks in the future.... why tf can i not wait until i get my goddamn paycheck at the end of the week????

something else that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

i am a Serial Procrastinator. the only way i get things done is by procrastinating on one thing by doing something else. very few of my tasks are both Proactive and Not A Part Of Putting Off Something Else. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Restlessness, Trouble Relaxing

i’ve said that i literally cannot relax. that is: actual relaxation occurs so rarely for me that i treat it more or less like a myth. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Trouble Starting a Task

hey, did you know that this (in addition to being super tired) was literally what kickstarted my depression? now ya know

welp

more generally, i am a ninety-per-center. which is to say: i got a’s in school, but it wasn’t because i studied and memorized every last detail. getting 100% on anything was extremely rare for me, even though you’d think i’d have a higher chance at it with my average so high. 

i hate straight-up memorizing. i’m terrible at it. if learning only happened like that, i would be a highschool dropout. 

what i AM good at is being a magpie of knowledge. learning is legitimately a hobby for me. 

so learning MORE for me is often about contextualizing something new in terms of what i already know. 

one of my other hobbies? READING FUCKING EVERYTHIGN as a child. i read so much that my average reading-words-per-minute is 700 (w/ 100% retention-- that’s an easy reading pace for me), but i can jack it up to 1k with 80% retention. theoretically, if i could keep that up, the internet tells me i could read the entire bible in 24 hours at that rate.

my good grades also gave me a positive feedback loop: having good grades meant that teachers didn’t care if you doodled during class, and doodling during class is apparently a huge coping mechanism for ADHD/ADD.

uh. 

so. 

in researching and writing all this out.... i’ve basically convinced myself that i probably have some degree of add/adhd, but i had really good coping mechanisms that developed early. 

when some of the things i’d relied upon began falling apart, i spiralled into Depression because executive functioning is hard

oh my god now i’m taking a test and.... SHIT IT ME http://totallyadd.com/adhd-quiz-start/

ESPECIALLY 

My home or workspace is cluttered, piles everywhere.  Things have to be out where I can see them, otherwise I worry that I’ll forget about them.

When I am alone I talk out loud to myself to stay on track.  I have sticky-notes everywhere.  I’ve bought things and then realized I already owned one.

You probably don’t bounce around like a hyperactive child, but perhaps you often feel restless.  Driven.  Like there’s a dynamo inside you. Maybe you’re impatient.  On the go.  Thoughts race, sometimes tumbling, ricocheting as you pour out one idea after another.

I walk faster than others and have to wait for them.  I like to be in action, on the move.

this only applies in crowds; in other situations i’m small and can’t keep up the same with folks. But in crowds if I’m not moving forward i want to tear my hair out

I find myself stirring things up. Teasing. 

auuugh i’ve been trying so hard to stop this one because it’s often really rude and invasive but I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE STOPPING MYSELF

I’m drawn to one hobby or obsession after another. 

did you mean “project”? did you mean “life consuming goal projects that take ~80 hours during a month when i’m also in school full time and work part time??” 

I have more stamina and enthusiasm than anyone else if it’s something I find interesting.  I dive in whole hog, like a whirling dervish, with tons of energy.  But then suddenly crash. 

I always have lots to say, but I’m not so great at listening.  I can be an enthusiastic chatterbox who just can’t stop. If someone else tries to speak I get louder because I feel pressure to get it out. 

I am full of ideas – my mind jumps and races ahead.  I don’t sit quietly and consider, but immediately offer one idea or opinion after another. 

I may seem impatient or dominating, always adding my two cents, having to contribute my ideas… and I have lots of them. 

I’m instantly enthusiastic and interested in new challenges.  I say yes to everything, then end up overwhelmed with commitments.

HOLY FUCK

HOLY FUCKITY FUCK

I SCORED AN 18/18 ON A SCALE THAT’S MEANT TO BE 10/18 “YOU SHOULD MAYBE CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR”

you mean to say, i have been dealing with this all on my own, for TWENTY GODDAMNED YEARS, AND PEOPLE DIDN”T NOTICE OR CARE JUST BECAUSE I GOT A’S IN CLASS

i may be, more than a little pissed at this. hguhgugh