#but not likd its hiding it from someone if u dont have someone

[randomladdo]

Ik no one reads my social posts. Idk why I amek em, guess to vent without self depreciating too much cuz ill feel embarrassed?? Idk , who knows. I hate that I'll never have a close relationship. The one person that like the same things u do, the one u could talk to for hours. The one u can trust and feel safe with just talking about ur interests or anything without it being called cringe. I hate myself for feeling jealous when I see groups of ppl talking to eachother, being close to the hip and I'm just....alone. my roommate that I've known for 12 years didn't even feel as close as that. Were still best friends bur it's hard to talk about ur interests when he thinks it's cringe to gush or cry over a character, or anything that's basically me fanboying and infodumping. The one person I could groomed me and threw me away like I was hot garbage. I just want to know what's wrong with me. What am I doing wrong, what do I need to change?

I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts anymore. I don't want to make up pretend scenarios of me or an OC having fun with characters the way I see ppl do. I don't want to make up pretend scenarios of hanging out with real ppl. And I can never escape this, not even while doing that. Having aohantasia, all u see is darkness when u close ur eyes and try to "imagine" something. I can make audio sort of, but that's it. I have to stare out into my life while trying to escape even for a moment, so I basically never can. I'm stuck in this. I'm stuck to being alone and being hated for being too hyper and annoying and because of my stupid adhd and anxiety ruining my life. I wish I could pick up social cues, I wish I could talk to ppl and be able to make those close friends, ones that won't hurt me.

I'm so tired of this feeling in my chest

If anyone's reading this. Sorry to ruin ur feed, I'll delete l8r when I'm not in this mood