#but no! there's a real guy who he thinks was the best most specialest guy ever

[princesssarcastia]

delighted by the series finale of the borgias

holy shit!!!!!

FUCK!

let me start again.

the slowest burn

the slowest burn on this show was not, in fact, lucrezia/cesare—it was cesare/the papal armies. it was cesare/his father's trust. Cesare could only find himself in possession of these things at the very end because they're overwhelmingly transformative. We spent two seasons watching his brother, Juan, faff about, completely inept, unable to accomplish almost any task the pope sets for him. And then! Cesare takes command and it really is like god smiles on him and everything is suddenly possible. Suddenly, for one shining moment, it seems like the world really is ripe for the taking.

This was of course foreshadowed as far back as the first episode, when Cesare, cloaked in an archbishop's robes, steps in with a sword to easily, handily, save his brother from two random dudes he got into a fight with on the street. It's perfectly emblematic of what's to come.

Micheletto and the case of courtly love

The return of Micheletto!!!! Micheletto my love!! My darling dearest. Talk about the platonic ideal of courtly love—his devotion to Cesare, his love for Cesare, his impulse to serve him, outweighs even his hatred and his grief. To have him come back one last time, grant Cesare one last gift, one that wins him his first battle decisively? How utterly fantastic.

And of course, when Micheletto says it's over and done with and he's dead as far as anyone is concerned, Cesare lets him go. First of all, because there's no way in hell he could stop him. Second of all, because of course Cesare loves him, too. Trusts him.

One great parallel drawn is between Cesare/Micheletto and Caterina/Rufio. Two nobles who remain ennobled by their left hands of death whom they trust utterly and, apparently, love beyond anyone else. Cesare lets Micheletto go...and Caterina lets Rufio go. Gives him her blessing to go serve a new master once she's finally gone—once he ensure that she's finally gone. You could read it as Caterina searching to put a failsafe into place, to put someone in Cesare's household that can one day free her or continue to work to her ends. But honestly? I think the most Rufio will ever do for her again is slip into her rooms one night and see her dead, like she asked. A last kindness for the Lady he served his whole life.

Caterina Sforza meets her end

Caterina Sforza, my love, you were fantastic, and you lost in a spectacular fashion fitting your spectacular legend and comportment. Ten more sons! The Tigress of Forli indeed!

I thought her storyline was also tragically beset by in-universe sexism; the way those other Italian lords abandoned her cause for Cesare the second he gathered an army of his own must have burned. Certainly, it ensured there was no way for her to win. But everything she accomplished in spite of that is all the more impressive, to the very end.

It's also interesting, because as she had to deal with sexism, so too have the Borgias dealt with that classic european mix of nativism and racism, and no one else spells it out quite like Caterina does. At the very end, the second she's well and truly lost:

"Damn you, Spanish half-breed," she says to Cesare, who just prevented her from killing herself.

Her family was originally supposed to be allied with the Borgias! The Sforzas and the Borgias, bound together by Lucrezia's marriage to her first husband. But the Sforzas spurned the alliance at every turn, refusing to provide the promised military aid, and on a more personal level, allowing Giovanni to beat Lucrezia and generally treat her like shit.

Why? Because the Borgias are outsiders. Because they're a bunch of Spaniards in an Italian world, and the italians can't help but punish them for it. Why should the Sforzas keep their word to a bunch of spanish half-breeds?

Why should a bunch of italian men keep their word to an italian woman?

Caterina Sforza sits at a very neat intersection of prejudices, and I find it fascinating.

Lucrezia now firmly resides in a tragedy

There's also a fantastic comparison to be had between Cesare's love for Lucrezia and his love for Micheletto. Both of them, he would trust with power and authority—he tells his mother he misses Micheletto's counsel and skill. He tells Machiavelli he would make his sister the regent of Naples. But here lies the difference: Micheletto he would allow to walk free, to live as he chooses. Lucrezia will never, ever be afforded that privilege. Never.

"You will be naked, and clean, and bloodless again. And mine."

FUCK.

Watching him kneel at her side, as she lies next to her husband's recent bloody corpse, and try to wipe her clean...that's romance. Creepy, terrifying, devoted love. An insidious inversion of the tender care he's shown for her the whole show up to this point. He'll continue to love her, care for her and her son and her happiness, no doubt. But there can also be no doubt that Lucrezia is completely at the mercy of a much more powerful man once again.

Literally the last lines of the whole show is a creepy incestuous declaration of possession. Cesare owns Lucrezia, now. I'd be shocked, in this universe the show constructed, if she ever married again. Certainly, now that their father has given Cesare the keys to the kingdom, has decided he'll trust his first-born son with both their ambitions, I can't see him denying Cesare anything, even Lucrezia—so long as he's discrete.

I mean...the pair of them DID keep making out in front of servants and also minor lordlings who owe Cesare allegiance. It's not like it's a total secret at this point. And still, they follow him.

Poor Lucrezia. I think if Rodrigo and Cesare had literally just included her, treated her like, if not an equal, at least someone with skin in the game whom they trust, this could have turned from the tragedy it was to a triumph, for her.

Instead, she has to beg for scraps of news Rodrigo can barely give her, and grant her husband a mercy killing after her brother stabs him mortally but doesn't finish the job.

Cesare's new preoccupation with legitimacy

There's also a fantastic scene between Cesare and Vanozza, his mother. His mother, the courtesan, the whore, who offers her son her counsel, offers to ride to war with him so he has someone he can trust by his side! Something he had just finished telling her he desperately missed (Micheletto my love you are irreplaceable)

And...he turns her down.

He not only turns her down, he does so in a way that's eerily reminiscent of his dead brother, Juan. His dead brother whom he murdered.

"I would not be the son of a whore," Cesare says to his mother, the whore. Suddenly, after his father shared his dream of creating a Papal Bloodline, to be passed down to Cesare so he in turn can pass it down to his own son...suddenly, now, he begins to care about the very perceptions that eventually drove Juan to dangle his nephew over a balcony and sign his own death warrant. It is, to me, the second most chilling moment in the whole episode, after what he says to Lucrezia.

Now, Vanozza might not be trapped like her daughter, but she may soon be consigned to insignificance, without any responsibility or meaning, but also without any power. Relevant only as much as Cesare loves her or wants to see her. Which, before this episode, I would have said was quite a lot! But if he's about to descend into the same game of legitimacy and legend and perception his brother did...perhaps not so much.

Rodrigo and Cesare and the death of daddy issues

We spent three seasons watching Rodrigo dismiss and belittle and refuse to trust Cesare, but finally, in this episode, we come to see the truth: that he always meant for Cesare to succeed him in the only way that matters to him: in the church. He made him a cardinal so he could one day be pope, after him! Made him a prince of the church! But Cesare was also right to miss and lust after traditional station of power, after the dukedoms and armies he amasses after forcing his father to let him renounce his position as cardinal, because the empire they both want to build is impossible without them.

Still: to realize, with Cesare, that even though Rodrigo sees so much of himself in Cesare, he still planned from the beginning to make Cesare his true heir...what a payoff. What a relief. What a consolation for years of feelings of inadequacy! Of never being enough!

No wonder he's riding high, immortal, invincible, Cesar come again. All his daddy issues went "poof" and left him, well, clean.

All told?

In the end, having now watched all of it, I have to say the whole show was marvelous. Politics, intrigue, romance, forbidden romance, the things people do for family or for love or for both, the things they do for power, how lonely it is to sit at the pinnacle of the world. The costuming, the writing, the dialogue, it's all so compelling, and I frankly recommend it to anyone with even a passing interest in period dramas

P.S.

Contender for funniest line in the whole fucking show:

"Primogeniture is the future," the pope of rome says.

CACKLING oh my god. that's hilarious. definitely, that is a thing that will happen for the papacy and the world at large.

SureJan.gif

[insomniacblonde]

people are hating on klck so hard and she’s totally wrong but like yall forget she’s literally a child of course she’s going to be wrong.

imagine you are a teenager (famous for being the time where people are desperately trying to be different and special for the sake of having an identity) and your parents are normal like accounting people and you go to the Aguefort Adventuring Academy (made for the Specialest Kids) and in your freshman year these six kids who are respectively the son of the richest most insane dude within 1000 square miles, a tiefling girl whose dad is an archdevil, kid whose dad was killed by a dragon and has a biological link to most of the mysteries he solves, the literal Elven Oracle, Chosen One of a god (and one pretty much normal guy, but look at the rest of the roster). of course you think theyre set up for success, because you are woefully mundane and they so clearly have everything figured out. theyre apparently so strong they fight a dragon at 15 years old (which the principal brought himself back from the dead for? because he also COMMITTED MURDER-SUICIDE ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL SO THAT TWO OF THEM COULD LIVE???) while the rest of the freshmen stay in the far-haven woods. your adventuring party, the high-five heroes, is nice, and Lucy Frostblade is your best friend- she seems to think of you as one-in-a-billion, which you tell yourself is true. still, you see cracks- oisin and ivy would pick each other over the party any day, ruben votes against you because he knows youre upset about it, and mary ann is. there. then on your first real adventure out in the mountains, you are given a chaperone because you apparently can't handle yourselves- and you die anyway. rage brings you and most of your party back. lucy, however, stays dead, and you cant help but wonder if you simply werent special enough for her to get up again.

[adelaidedrubman]

2, 11, 27, 29, and 46 for johnjessie?

THANK YOU VERBS these were very fun to do for the normcore couple!!

2. Who wakes up early/Who sleeps in late? 

john wakes up earliest, consistently. unless it’s a day jessie plans to go fishing, then — just kidding john wakes up first then too, but it’s from jessie’s 4 AM alarm, as she proceeds to sleep through it and the next ten that follow it, and any effort of his to wake her. 

11. How do they feel about nicknames/pet names? If they like them, what pet names do they use? If they hate them, why do they feel that way? 

john called jessie “little red” exactly once before about-facing and radioing her the same day “OMG just kidding you’re actually the biggest, strongest person in the entire world haha wouldn’t it be funny if you crushed me with your giant muscles 🥺” and never really attempting a pet name again from that point. also driven by the setting in of his obsessive focus on simply learning her first name at all, and while what he does finally learn is technically a nickname he is also so dedicated to flaunting it as the world’s best prize to himself that he doesn’t bother to dress it up with any additional sweet talk. just jessie. that’s so incredible. (i guess spoilery and of note is that he will continue to call her “jessie” even after he learns her full name, because he knows she prefers it. something something symbolism). the most he ever does is tack on the occasional “jessie, dear” or “my jessie.”

jestiny throws out a stray “baby” or few in the heat of the moment, which is of course so taunting and belittling and not at all meant to make him feel like her most special baby boy. don’t get it twisted he would be so dumb to think that. other than that, it’s just “john” or “that fucking guy”

27. How do they say “I love you” non-verbally? 

managing to be comfortably non-verbal at all is an unprecedented miracle and massive “i love you” in and of itself with them. 

but also jessie will pause the rough handling to just look at him and give stray, unusually tender and doting touches — forehead kisses, tracing his freckles with her fingers, etc. john tends to full body cling, absentmindedly tangle fingers in her hair, touch her dimples when they’re visible. also mutual just constantly reaching for each other and finding ways to be in each other’s space. and these wild sons of guns do be holding hands. 

29. Describe their nighttime routine. 

fall asleep in THE DIRT. john snores so loud jessie thinks he’s a sleep paralysis demon for a sec then goes back to sleep. yeah they do this every night why not 

(real nighttime routine varies a bit by exact living circumstances, but usually consistents of jessie busying herself with something well into the night, john pestering her to come to bed already. then finally initiating sex in an effort to get her to the bedroom, never actually ends up in the bedroom because she is So Spiteful and Will Not Be Manipulated and he is too dumb and horny to have any follow through on his own plan. they go to bed anyways after but she has to Prove A Point first. yeah they do this every night) 

46. Do they consider their relationship casual or serious? Is the answer different depending on who you ask? Why?

they are both super fun super casual people known for being chill, laid-back, and having measured emotional reactions and attachments. which for her part jessie is actually deluded enough to believe about herself, she swears anything between them was a momentary lapse in judgment that means nothing. they just did Hand Stuff (she has not gone ten minutes without thinking about him) it was basically Church Camp Shit (she is actively hallucinating him as a coping mechanism to make her other hallucinations less stressful). 

john for his part is less in denial about that piece, while he occasionally downplays or obfuscates the motivations behind his obsession he has never once denied that she is the world’s specialest most importantest girl. “his world [had] been shaken to its foundations, cleaved in twain and hollowed out and rebuilt from its core to be filled with her” - guy who got jerked off and learned a woman’s first name. he thinks they’re pretty serious, yeah. 

[bitimdrake]

okay so I know that Jason now is like completely different than he was pre 52. I hate new 52 with all or my heart, but at the same time im a huge fan of how Jason is now

Do you have any thoughts on like the change to his character or like opinions on how it's different now or whether or not you like it?

New 52 Jason sucks and I hate him. He's not a terrible person. He's not a horrible villain. He is something far worse.

He's flawless and boring.

(DISCLAIMER: I'm only going to be talking about post-crisis vs new 52 here. I have not read anything after the new 52 yet. Rebirth/Infinite Frontier Jason may or may not be great. I don't know yet, and I'm not gonna make claims.)

So, without putting words in your mouth here, I think that when a lot of people say they like Jason better post-Flashpoint than pre-Flashpoint, that's not...actually what they mean. They mean they like Jason better as a protagonist and hero than as an antagonist and villain.

That might be for any combination of (a) preferring your faves to be morally supportable and (b) just wanting the narrative to give attention directly to them rather then using them as a tool in the real protagonist's story. And that's fair!

But I care about execution more than concept. I am open to both the concept of antagonist Jason Todd and protagonist Jason Todd. And New 52 Jason is--to his detriment--not just the same Jason Todd now turned antihero.

Post-Crisis Jason was far from a perfect character. He was a supporting character (and usually antagonist) who was tossed between short story-arcs with different writers, and the character's consistency absolutely suffered for it.

Sometimes he was a very sympathetic antivillain doing bad things for understandable reasons that genuinely challenged the protagonists' viewpoints. Sometimes he was an insane villain. These extremes were not stitched together well.

But, dammit, he was interesting. He was defined by trauma. He had strong emotions that were regularly unhelpful or unhealthy. He had principles that often conflicted with those emotions, and he usually let his feelings take precedence. He had complicated, messy, layered relationships and history with characters around him. He was a walking tragedy. You could write ten thousand essays just on his interplay with Bruce.

New 52 Jason Todd, on the other hand, is just fucking boring. He's an adolescent concept of A Cool Guy.

New 52 Jason is the world's most specialest boy. He's the chosen one, and he's good at everything, and he's the best ever. His friends would be helpless without him because he's so cool and he always saves the day. He has no meaningful flaws. He's never allowed to be truly wrong. He's never allowed to mess up in a significant way.

He's an encapsulation of why Mary Sues are bad characters.

I want to be clear here: it's not that Jason has to be tragic and antagonistic to be interesting. I would have loved Post-Crisis Jason to get protagonist focus in a good book. I would have LOVED an arc of him becoming a better and/or healthier person.

But the New 52 didn't just skip that arc--it also stripped out anything interesting or complicated from Jason's character.

The most nuanced and compelling relationships he had (particularly Bruce; also Dick, Barbara, Alfred) are simplified down to nothing. The new relationships he was given (New 52 "Roy" and "Kori", even Tim Not-Drake) only exist so there are other characters around to prop him up.

The flaws and trauma and complicated emotions are gone. He has the mildest aesthetic of a bad boy, pasted onto a Perfect Person.

And the most compelling potential--the conflicts of morality or principle--is missing entirely.

How does New 52 Jason feel about killing? I literally don't know, because none of his stories give a shit about questions of morality. New 52 Jason kills when Lobdell thinks it will look cool and badass, and he refuses to kill when Lobdell thinks that would look noble and heroic--and it's the same for every character around him. He has no principles, because his stories don't think silly things like principles are interesting. He is, again, always right.

I hate him.

tl;dr: Post-Crisis Jason is an example of how a compelling character concept can survive even messy, inconsistent stories. New 52 Jason is an example of how to squander every interesting thing you could have done with a character because a shitty writer decided to adopt him as a self-insert instead.

[adventures-in-a-world-of-fiction]

The Leverage/Stargate fic I’ll probably never write

I have an idea for a Leverage/Stargate crossover fic but no drive to actually write it. So I’m going to lay down the plot summary of the story that exists in my head. If anyone wants to take some or all of this idea and flesh it out into a full story, you’re welcome to it.

AU!Eliot Spencer went to work for Stargate Command early on in its existence and has been there ever since. He's extremely good at his job but in a ruthless way that has everyone at best wary of him and at worst terrified. He's the guy you send on the most dangerous missions, but he's also the guy you send when you want something awful doing without any questions asked.

The Goa'uld have put a bomb in a child and killing the child is the only way to stop it going off and killing thousands? Eliot Spencer is your guy. The megadeathray gun is surrounded by slaves as human shields? Eliot Spencer is the guy who will blow it up while everyone else is busy arguing about whether there's a better way. Need someone to headshot a Goa'uld and not care about the innocent host? He's the guy who will pull the lever on your trolley problem while everyone else is still arguing the ethical ramifications.

They keep him around because he is really good at his job but also because everything he does is technically for the greater good and you can see the logic in shooting the guy with the alien virus before he can spread it and cause a plague but still, you'd think the guy would show a little remorse about shooting an innocent person in the head. So he doesn't really have friends in the SGC just reluctant allies, but he's doing good and saving the world in his own, violent way.

But then one of the science teams discover something that's giving off the same sort of energy readings as the quantum mirror and Eliot is there to act as bodyguard/escort to the scientists. They bring the shiny, aliens toys back through the Gate but then something gets activated by accident, zapping Eliot, and then suddenly canon!Eliot is there in the base, with an apron and a wooden spoon because he was in the middle of cooking dinner.

Naturally, he's immediately on the offensive because he's apparently been kidnapped and these people are all in military uniform, so he starts fighting and takes down six marines with a wooden spoon but then AU!Eliot is there fighting him and they're evenly matched. Neither can get an upper hand and they only stop when someone shoots them both with a zat while they're locked in combat and knocks them out.

Eliot wakes up heavily restrained and they try to explain that they think he's been pulled from a parallel universe and of course Eliot doesn't believe a word of it because it sounds like something from one of Hardison's weird TV shows, and the guy who looked like him was clearly a trick. He's scared that the other Eliot is part of some plot to get to his team and so of course he's not going to give them any sort of cooperation. Everyone else is scared of him because they know how scary their Eliot Spencer is and they don't want to get on the wrong side of him, but they need to get one of the techs to try and undo what was done, so they get one of the team to bring in the alien gizmo - and it's Hardison.

The Hardison of this world was still a computer genius and got recruited to get alien and human tech to work together. He doesn't really know Eliot because the techs tend to spend most of their time with other techs generally, but also that guy's scary. He really doesn't want to be in the same room as two of them, glaring at each other, because if their Eliot Spencer is the good version, he really doesn't want to know what the evil mirror universe Eliot Spencer is like. But he drew the short straw so he's got to come in and try to get some tech they barely understand to zap this guy back to where he came from.

Canon!Eliot recognises Hardison at once but thinks that he's here as part of a con as a rescue mission, so he pretends to have no idea who he is, but plays along. When Hardison starts explaining about parallel universes and alternate timelines and quantum mirrors, Eliot listens and pretends he might start to believe this technobabble and asks questions like he's starting to be convinced. The first test to send Eliot back to his universe doesn't work but he agrees to cooperate if Hardison keeps working to send him home, because he needs to get out of these restraints anyway if Hardison's rescue plan is to have any chance of succeeding. And the other people who are around standing guard or watching the events unfold are surprised that Eliot would believe Hardison over an alternate universe version of himself.

"Of course I don't trust me. I know me!"

But AU!Eliot knows him too and thinks that he's been convinced too easily and that this is a trick. He knows he would never be so quick to believe a total stranger and thinks that Eliot is just lying to get out of the restraints and then he'll start fighting everyone again, probably taking that tech as a hostage.

But while all this is going on, people are referring to Hardison by his real name and talking to him like he's been here for years, and canon!Eliot starts getting weirded out because Hardison would never use his real name in a con and he has a very distinctive tell when he's playing a part and he's not showing that tell now.

AU!Eliot wouldn't just announce that he doesn't think this guy is telling the truth so he beckons whatever senior officer is present over to the far corner so that they can talk quietly but he can still keep an eye on canon!Eliot and warns him about what he thinks the guy is planning. Meanwhile, Hardison is still running tests on canon!Eliot with the alien tech and now no one is close enough to overhear, so Eliot lets his hair hang in front of his face to shield his mouth from the security cameras and whispers, "Is Parker okay?"

Hardison just goes, "Who's Parker?" in a voice loud enough that everyone in the room can hear it.

"Damn it, Hardison!"

The senior office asks Hardison what happened and he repeats back exactly what Eliot said to him. That's what convinces Eliot that this is real because he knows that Hardison would never do anything to expose Parker and he wouldn't blurt something like that out in the middle of a con after all the years they've been doing this.

"You're not my Hardison, are you?"

"Your Hardison?!"

And Eliot tries to then convince them that he now believes them, even though they're more suspicious than ever because he was pretending to believe them before. Eliot just looks at Hardison and says, "I swear on your Nana's chicken, chilli caserole recipe that I won't hurt you if you let me out of these restraints."

Everyone else is really confused but Hardison is astonished because Nana's chicken chilli caserole recipe is sacred. It's a family secret, but she will only give the recipe to family members she deems worthy, meaning that only one of her foster kids has ever been told it and Hardison (who consists off gummy frogs and orange soda in every universe) has never so much glimpsed the page it's written on. It's a meal that is served on the specialest of special occasions and Nana would guard that recipe with her life.

"You know Nana's recipe?"

"I proved myself worthy at your engagement party. She gave me the recipe for the wedding."

"I'm married in your universe?!"

"Not legally." Because three-way unions aren't legal and besides, the guy they had officiate their wedding dropped out of priest school to become an insurance agent con artist, so it's not exactly official, but that's never stopped them. Hardison is still confused but thinks that maybe it wasn't legal because of gay marriage rules and this means he had an unofficial commitment ceremony to Eliot Spencer. He has to sit down while he processes this.

After some discussion, they let Eliot out of the restraints and he spends a little bit of time in the SGC while Hardison works on the tech. He talks to the alternate version of himself and suggests he take a cooking class and tells him he should get to know Hardison better because, "Once you get past the annoying surface part that makes you want to murder him, he's one of the smartest, bravest, and best people you could ever hope to meet, and half the irritating stuff he does is just to make you smile."

"And the other half?"

"He's just being irritating," but Eliot says this with a soft, caring smile that AU!Eliot hasn't seen in his reflection in a very long time and that makes him think it's worth giving it a shot.

And Eliot talks to Hardison too, telling him that he has absolute trust in his ability to work out all this alien tech stuff and get him home safely because he has people there who need him because he doesn't trust Hardison to feed himself any with more nutritional value than gummy frogs without him there to take care of him. And he convinces Hardison to take a chance on this universe's Eliot because if anyone can get past his defences, it's him. Or Parker, but she doesn't seem to be around in this universe.

And that seems like the perfect moment for Parker to appear out of a vent because she wanted to give herself a challenge breaking into a facility with more security than any museum and she's been listening in on all of this stuff as it unfolds.

So this universe's Hardison and Eliot convince the SGC guards not to shoot Parker because she has a really useful skillset, and canon!Eliot wishes them luck as he gets sent bak to his own world, where his Parker and Hardison are in the middle of tearing the criminal underworld into a million pieces to find out what happened to him.

[daz4i]

Ohhhhh Akechi and Kai!! I hope you don't mind me dropping this in your inbox but I'd love to hear your opinion as an Akechi expert!! :D

A good friend of mine said that they would butt heads because they are too similar and I wish it weren't so true T-T

In broad strokes, you've got the loss of their mother figures, their father's neglect driving most of their actions during canon, their deep craving for attention, their desire to be needed, the feeling that they are unwanted or that they don't belong no matter where they go, the lack of friends, them going ballistic in the thirdsem due to the desire to finally be independent and carve their own path, and the cheery smile that hides the simmering rage inside :)

(And just to be clear, Kai's cheerfulness is sincere! He is genuinely a friendly, excitable, and forgiving guy who loves being around people and getting to know them. He just also holds a lot of rage and resentment that he has barely any outlet for haha)

The resentment that Akechi feels towards Joker is also similar to the resentment that Kai feels towards Takuto. Yes, Kai cares about his dad more than anything else in the world and would sacrifice himself for him in an instant, but he's jealous of how being universally loved seems to come so easily to Takuto (and I guess this works with Joker and Takuto being foils and all but I DIGRESS) and he's very angry that he keeps being overshadowed by his dad. Everyone seems to see him just as Maruki Jr. and he hates it.

I'd like to think that there is a LITTLE solidarity between them somewhere in there. Maybe Akechi understands where Kai is coming from with the whole "defying your dad despite wanting his attention but not wanting to admit it," or maybe they can just bond over bullying Takuto in general, haha. Then again... Kai wouldn't like that Akechi takes the bullying so, so far (and he's definitely terrified that Akechi is gonna end up killing Takuto for real). And I'm not sure that Akechi would think too highly of him either :')

There might be some self-recognition through the other (derogatory) in that Kai sees in Akechi who he could become if he let his anger get the best of him, or if he had had less support in his life, while Akechi sees in Kai an obnoxious, overly naïve version of himself? Is that something that would happen? At the very least, whether they like each other or not, Kai would benefit from the company of someone who could knock his mental image of Takuto down a notch, haha. I guess it would help his feelings of inferiority a bit.

However... Kai also really really wants to be the specialest boy in the world, so being near Akechi might not actually help his self esteem too much in the end... He is kinda insecure and wouldn't take Akechi's bluntness well when it's directed at anyone other than Takuto...

I don't think it would be much better if they met before the thirdsem, though. Kai values transparency more than anything else in a relationship, so it's very possible that he would resent Akechi for... you know, pretending.

(A Kai fact that you should know, Akechi or not, is that there is no winning with him. You are too honest with him, you lose. You are not honest enough, you also lose, lmao. But at the end of the day, he will ask you to be honest and, if you aren't, he'll be upset. Thirdsem Akechi is considered an improvement)

Anyways, I'm so sorry that got so long. Feel free to correct me as an Akechi understander, haha! I'm sure you know him a lot better than I do, so please forgive me if my assessment is wrong ^^

asjdkfgjlfh these are so many cool takes tbh i love it!!!!

specifically abt that last part. it think this really solidifies my opinion that they probably won't like each other that much and have some passive aggressive showdowns (or at least it's passive aggressive for goro lol, you tell me what kai's preferred method is), kinda similar to goro's dynamic with makoto but without sae as the connecting thread so less emotional involvement (at least pre-third sem where things might become either extremely volatile or terrifyingly quiet, no in between)

i think it'd be funny to see them be rivals but like, not of the homoerotic type, just trying to one-up each other constantly for the sake of bothering the other, not even proving anything, like siblings who take things too far sort of thing but eventually have these quiet bonding moments they'll never admit happened to any outside person who may ask

but also i see them be like

goro, def after 11/20, probs during third sem: aren't you tired of being nice. don't you just wanna go apeshit

kai: aren't you tired of going apeshit. don't you just wanna seek professional help

[mitsubachiaria]

holding u at gunpoint to do hunter for the character bingo <3 (on a serious note, how about an amy rose since i was watching some real time fandubs the other day)

Alley I am kissing you so hard right now thank you thank you

Hunter:

When I say everyone but me is wrong about them I mean everyone but you is wrong about them. He’s my stepblorbo, I care him so much in part because you care him but also he reminds me of my specialest boy Silver Pokémon. He’s a cool little guy but also why is Belos letting this small child be his guard why isn’t he locking him in the training dungeon until he’s 25. I think he works best when with his pals but also I am shaking with fury every time I enter the owl house tag and I see nothing but posts shipping him with willow. Nothing against the ship but please this boy needs therapy way more than he needs a girlfriend. He’s a little scrungly guy. A poor little meow meow.

You asking me about Amy Rose is a Honey You’ve Got A Big Storm Coming moment.

First of all she’s the most character of all time so write that down. She’s definitely a lesbian with bad bad comphet for an aroace hedgehog and she needs to work through that. She just wants to help people, she wants to protect her friends, she wants to be stronger and not have to keep running headlong into tragedy.

You don’t understand she was a traumatized kid who got yoinked by Eggman and she’s just doing her best to regain control of her life after that. She was just 8 in CD, she got caught up in all that just because she idolized Sonic. My interpretation is that she started carrying the Piko Piko Hammer around and trying to become a fighter in her own right to try and make sure she wasn’t ever that helpless again, and damn, it worked because she’s cool as fuck.

Look I know I’m reading into it so much but sega sure as hell hasn’t done anything with her beyond “haha girl character with a crush” and they’ve been pushing her to the sidelines for so long. I’m still so mad that as much as I adore Mighty and Ray, they got into Mania before her, the rightful fourth member of Team Sonic. Look I’m shaking her at you Sonic team she’s so good please do things with her let her be playable again dammit. If she’s not in the third Sonic movie I’m gonna cry she’s so special to me and I love her so so much.

[sophiamcdougall]

EXPLAINING SANREMO

(PART TWO) I am back. I have barely eaten or slept and Tumblr has tried to murder me and this post multiple times, but I have survived. Thank you for your patience.

Part One of my attempt to explain the seismic experience that is 2020 Sanremo Festival of Italian Song is here. 

Ready? I assure you, you are not, but let’s proceed. So Sanremo rages pitilessly on.  Now everyone knows what’s at stake, and everyone, including your humble recapper, is exhausted, but doing the gay/chaotic best they can.

As the final battle to save Amadeus, Rancore, Italy and THE WORLD approaches, Achille Lauro has a last message for the troops. And I’m not deducing this, he literally said it on Twitter. 

...Hold me I’m scared.

Meanwhile (sort of) (go with it) (time isn’t real at Sanremo)  a minor drama  has occurred offstage. Singer Tiziano Ferro made an ill-advised joke about Fiorello’s interminable comedy bits, some idiots on Twitter ran away with it, and poor Fiorello was upset! This is minuscule in Sanremo terms. But consider the flapping of a butterfly’s wings. Consider hurricanes. But who is Tiziano Ferro?

Hold on. We’ll get to it. For now ...

Fiorello is dancing seductively for an absolutely delighted Amadeus while dressed as a rabbit. And wearing a blonde wig. Is there a rational explanation for this? I mean, sort of. But also no.

And then he worries Amadeus might give him herpes, which causes Amadeus to freaking snap.

“No, no!” yells the mercurial Fiorello. Amadeus isn’t worthy of his kisses yet. He ricochets out of Amadeus’s arms and into the audience and “passes on” the kiss to a guy in the front row. 

“Incredible things are going to happen tonight!” yells Amadeus, who has no fucking idea. ”Beautiful things,” corrects Fiorello. 

But just because Fiorello is a mayhem elemental on a mission of love doesn’t mean he hasn’t got feelings. 

Enter Italy’s sweetheart, Tiziano Ferro.

Actually, Tiziano’s been there all along. He’s the specialest of special guests, singing through basically his entire back catalogue every night. Which why it really was unfair of him to pick on Fiorello --   it’s not his fault he’s literally got to stand there and babble nonsense for aeons on end, Tiziano! He’s just serving the hungry chthonic entity that is Sanremo, same as you.  

While the gay mayhem (the gayhem, if you will) surges around him, Tiziano  has been fighting the good gay fight in his own steadfast way, so far untouched. His mere presence is a message of hope in itself, he knows this, and is determined to make it count. Ten years ago he was closeted, convinced coming out would end his career, and suicidal. Now happily married and gloriously successful, he is here to demonstrate that ��it gets better”. He radiates such wholesome joy and resilience that everyone loves him.

So anyway, Tiziano didn’t mean to hurt anybody because he would never, and now he wants to make things right. So will Fiorello forgive him?

Ah, what better gesture of reconciliation than to goofily sing a  love song written by Fiorello himself. Of course Fiorello forgives Tiziano, because Fiorello loves everyone, good and bad, (after all he loves Amadeus the most). But he is also a chaos being, and he is working harder than anyone else to channel the divine madness of this deranged Sanremo Festival into anyone who gets close. Tiziano, watch out!

Seems TIziano naively thought he could lean in for a staged, nearly kiss, but  Fiorello’s very soul is antithetical to “nearly” anything.

“My husband’s going to divorce me!”  wails poor Tiziano, but Fiorello has never felt so alive. This is Sanremo, bitches. Rules like “sixty-year-old men can’t be danger twinks, Fiorello,” have ceased to apply. He is an apostle of Achille Lauro, he has accepted the sermon of Benigni into his heart: it is time for PHYSICAL LOVE. While not quite ready (yet) to fuck everyone in the orchestra pit, he is throbbing with readiness, to frolic all over the theatre giving all the guys he can get his hands on THE KISSES OF HIS MOUTH.

Naturally this sparks further firestorms of chaos. “Do it again!” begs grizzled rocker and high-ranking competitor Piero Pelù. Electrified by the touch of Fiorello’s lips, he is later to be found running shirtless through the auditorium where he steals a handbag.

Everyone is kissing everyone, age and orientation be damned. Summoned by the gay sorcery unfolding, 65-year-old queer rock goddess Gianna Nanini manifests and is kissed worshipfully on the lips by 36-year-old duet partner Coez.

There’s also some kind of song competition going on I guess. 

This happens:

That’s Ghali, GUYS, IT’S NOT WORKING, rappers ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES ALL OVER THIS STAGE, WE’VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

(...  it isn’t really Ghali and don’t worry. This is a gag? Which I still don’t really get? And nor does sweet anarchist cherub Fiorello whom we will later discover is currently being physically restrained from rushing onstage to tend to the fallen rapper’s wounds.)

The real Ghali raps in Arabic which among other things is a big old “me ne frego” of his own to Italian Trump-tribute act and failed wannabe prime minister Matteo Salvini. Then he gets close to Fiorello, which can only end one way.

All the boys are crazy for Fiorello’s kisses but Amadeus still can’t have any

It’s already a difficult night for Amadeus.  TV presenter Antonella Clerici enters and far from standing a step beside him, righteously rips the piss out of him, which to be fair he accepts with grace.

And as for Achille Lauro ... ...No.  Patience. The time to bear witness to the last stand of Achille Lauro is not yet come. There are other forces stirring at Sanremo.

Chaos has its dark side.

The gun on stage is cocked and loaded. This is it. ENTER MORGAN.

... and enter Bugo,  who trails in behind Morgan, looking dazed and haunted. But whatever, it’s a million o’clock in the morning, aren’t we all. 

They start to play.  Italian Tumblr dozes fitfully on its sofa, idly crackshipping Amadeus and Fiorello. Utterly unprepared.

So most of us don’t notice what’s happening ...

... until the music just stops.

No one’s paid attention to the Morgan and Bugo in days. As far as I’m concerned Fabrizio Moro has already been avenged and my bloodlust is slaked.  The song - apparently written wholly by Bugo - honestly, isn’t bad, but Morgan’s been tuneless throughout and their duet/cover last night was cringeable. There have been some major reversals in the rankings but at this point there’s almost no way they’re going to be one of them.  And Morgan is not happy.

So Morgan changed the lyrics (and this isn’t even last-minute improv, he fucking printed it) to attack the one person who still had faith in him, blaming Bugo and Bugo alone for their poor performance so far. On live TV. In front of millions. After screaming at Bugo backstage just minutes ago. And he expects Bugo to just stand there and take it.

"Me ne frego to that shit,” thinks Bugo, and becomes the unexpected self-care hero of Sanremo as he vanishes into the night.

And that’s how I learned the Italian word for pandemonium. 

Morgan has the absolute nerve to ask what’s going on. Amadeus breaks out in visible cold sweat. Fiorello is thrown bodily onstage to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, OH MY GOD.

It’s long past midnight and a bunch of worried middle-aged men in sparkly jackets are scampering around yelping “Bugo? Bugo! BUGO? BUGO!!!” and that, I am here to tell you, when you are already delirious from exhaustion and shitposting-induced hysteria, is more than enough to tip you right over the edge.

Italian Tumblr resigns itself to never sleeping again.The memes aren’t going to make themselves. 

Translation: ”Is Bugo there?” “What’s happening?” “Where’s Bugo gone?” “I have to go and see where Bugo is.” “Bugo left.” “BUGO!”

Morgan wants vengeance. Fiorello, adorably indifferent to the fact that he was shoved on stage to, you know, entertain the audience, wants to find the missing waif, wrap him in a blanket and feed him soup. So they both rush offstage and Amadeus is left alone in a living anxiety dream.

The audience are booing.  The 70th fucking Sanremo Festival of Italian Song is falling to pieces on his watch. For all he knows murder is going on backstage and he picked known powder-keg and scoundrel Morgan for the Festival. The buck stops with him. And he has no lines, no back-up, no idea what to do about it.

And then Fiorello, angel of misrule, avatar of lawlessness and love, strolls back onstage. He looks confident and relaxed, like a man with all the answers.  Which he is.

“Have you got Bugo?” Amadeus inquires desperately.

NO RULES, NO MASTERS, NO SPONSORSHIP MONEY. ME NE FREGO.

Everything is broken. And somehow everything is OK.

Everyone, Amadeus included, bursts into hysterical, cathartic laughter.

“Is this my fault?” Amadeus asks. “YES!” crows Fiorello, lovingly forcing Amadeus to face his sins and his nightmares in a healing atmosphere of radical acceptance and mass psychosis.

And that’s how Amadeus learned that the real Sanremo was inside us all along.  And what he needs in this glorious maelstrom was never a beautiful woman standing a step behind him. It’s a chaos pixie dream boy at his side.

It’s time to cast out toxic masculinity and become a better man.

So Amadeus wraps up the show as best he can and then out of pure human compassion, he and Fiorello personally wander the streets of Sanremo looking for Bugo until four in the morning.

Bugo and Morgan are automatically disqualified

And now let us witness the final passion of Achille Lauro. Who is this Achlle Lauro kid anyway? How intentional is all this? Is he the Messiah, or a very naughty boy?

SO YEAH. Anyway, everyone’s wondering what the fuck Achille and his producer/guitarist Boss Doms (yes, really) are going to do, and BE, next. Achille’s first three looks were inspired by St Francis of Assisi, David Bowie, and Marchesa Luisa Casati. 

So ... Freddie Mercury, maybe? Elizabeth I? Jesus Christ?  And after the flurry of kissing Fiorello whipped up .. 

Will they ... can they ... dare they...

Do you even need to ask?

I have no idea how the crazy bastards who guessed “Elizabeth I” did it. 

Achille thrusts his hips against Boss’s backside. Drops to his knees before him and lets the shape of the microphone speak for itself. Briefly chokes him. And throughout they are tender, elegant, and utterly, regally dignified.

And then, at last.

A  joyous chorus of maenad-like shrieks rings out across Europe. If you’re in the Greater London area and your ears are still sore, I’m sorry. That was me. 

That’s it. Achille Lauro and Boss Doms ascend into heaven and pass into history. 

Not even they can give more to Sanremo.

The dust settles. 

The dawn breaks.

WE FUCKING DID IT! RANCORE LIVES! WOUNDED (as are we all) BUT SMILING AT A WORLD TRANSFORMED! (Not only that but, after starting at the bottom of the leaderboard he’s been catapulted up into the top ten and wins the special prize for Best Lyrics!)

And Amadeus?

Well, let’s hear from him in his own words.

Because Fiorello asked him to, Amadeus is wearing a blonde wig to look like legendary TV host Maria de Filippi. Amadeus doesn’t normally sing, but because Fiorello asks him to, he joins him in song.“A WORLD OF LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!” they chorus. It’s the hymn of the new day. 

“He can make me do anything!” Amadeus sighs to the audience. So Fiorello asks him to slow-dance.  And they do.

The prophecy has been fulfilled. Amadeus has let love into his heart. He has surrendered to the holy power of gay chaos. He is a man reborn. 

He didn’t find Bugo on that long, gruelling dark night of the soul, because incredibly,  poor Bugo never left the theatre and spent the night literally hiding in a cupboard.

But he found something else. 

As Sanremo finally, mercifully approaches its end, Fiorello grapples him close and, all teasing cast aside, whispers fiercely in his ear:

And somehow it was.

And toxic masculinity?

To find out why don’t we - and I am sorry about this - check in on Matteo Salvini who would normally be rage-tweeting up a Trump-style storm by now. He loves bitching about Sanremo for being “rigged by the left”  or occasionally letting a non-lily-white performer win, and this year he even tried to organise a boycott. Let’s see how that’s going.

This, the gayest-ever Sanremo in history, is the most-watched Sanremo in 18 years, with an incredible 60% audience share.

“Me Ne Frego” flies to the top of the Spotify charts.  (And though the judges are still cowards and traitors who left Achille in 8th place, there is no doubt across the media who the real star of the festival was. ) And Salvini’s “boycott” just meant he effectively banned himself from making a peep about it.

So who won the festival?

ALL OF US.

Oh, you meant literally.

This guy. His name is Diodato and his song is called “Fai Rumore” (Make a Sound.) It’s fine.

And that was Sanremo. It wasn’t a dream, it was a place. And you, and you, and you were there.

[thebookdragonsden]

Let me be clear: I never intended to raise my brother from his grave, though he may claim otherwise. If there's anything I've learned from him in the years since, it's that the dead hide truths as well as the living. When Tea accidentally resurrects her brother from the dead, she learns she is different from the other witches in her family. Her gift for necromancy means that she's a bone witch, a title that makes her feared and ostracized by her community. But Tea finds solace and guidance with an older, wiser bone witch, who takes Tea and her brother to another land for training. In her new home, Tea puts all her energy into becoming an asha-one who can wield elemental magic. But dark forces are approaching quickly, and in the face of danger, Tea will have to overcome her obstacles...and make a powerful choice.

- Goodreads Summary

The world building doesn't hold up under any sort of halfway critical scrutiny, the characterizations are archetypes at best and missing entirely at worst, the main character is a special snowflake who experiences no real consequences for her actions, and more than half of the book is eaten up by tedious chatter about training and in depth descriptions of people's clothes.  All of this is interrupted at the start of every single chapter with jarring and often pointless returns to the present day (and a switch of 1st person POV) to remind us that hey, eventually she's going to end up reviled and want to wage war on all the other countries for REASONS but you won't care by the end of the book because 1. that present day doesn't converge with the past tense story she's telling and 2. you don't care about any of the characters or the world anyway.

Spoilers rampant under the read more...

  Look, I'm not going to lie to you guys... I should've loved this book. It was a convergence of some of the things I love most. Geisha (okay, they're not really geisha but they ARE) and necromancers (fuck yeaaaaaah!). I mean, really, I was sold on the necromancy and the pretty cover. The geisha thing took me by surprise but I was excited to see how it all came together. Unfortunately, loving the concept of a thing does not mean that the execution went well. And this did not go well. First of all, the whole story is told as a 'I know what they say about me but this is the truth of what happened' deal where the MC is telling a bard her life story. That's fine. That's cool. But every single chapter is broken up with a jarring and often repetitive and pointless "present day" blurb. It's obvious that whatever's going on in the present is being built up for plot line of a coming book but don't expect it to be the next one. These two stories don't converge by the end of this book which means you have these wonderful little blurbs to look forward to in the next book, too. Also, don't hold out hope that at least the "boy who died for her" will remain a secret until it's actually relevant to main part of the story. The story itself was so reminiscent of reading Memoirs of a Geisha that I started to wonder if perhaps I had stumbled into a fanfic with magic. Tea can do no wrong, though, so every time something happened that should've had actual consequences, instead Tea gets elevated into a better position in life. Destroy a tea house? Go from being a maid to an asha in training. Help a boy pretend to be a girl so he can show off his skills an asha because the rules are so unfair? He doesn't get to be an asha but he's also not forced to be a Deathseeker yet either. Fight that daeva even though everyone told you not to? Become a full-fledged asha. Don't go kill that daeva even though that's literally what you're supposed to do? Sneak out and do it and be lauded for it. Everything that gets built up to be some sort of conflict, gets diffused so easily it's a wonder why the author even bothered in the first place. The magic in here is minimal aside from the initial summoning of her brother, and after that, everything is focused on lengthy descriptions of hua and Tea lamenting that she's nothing more than a maid. Tea gets tricked into ruining one of her older sister's hua while pretending to be an actual asha in an incident that ruins a tea house ends in zero punishment and instead, Tea no longer has to be a maid but now gets to be trained to be an asha. Cue lengthy descriptions of hua, Tea going to various classes including dancing, music, singing (the only thing she's not good at), combat (hah, just kidding, this isn't actually as important as the rest of it), getting new hua, getting hair pins, going to parties, and absolutely nothing of any actual plot relevance. She apparently meets with the prince, whom she insta-loved with the moment she met him because of course she did, but it rarely happens on page so despite being her nominal love interest, he's actually on screen for, like, 10 pages. All you know about him is that he's soooooo handsome, his name is Kance, and... uh... and... his older brother is Khalad? And his cousin is his bodyguard, a Deathseeker named Kalen? I don't know. Who needs an interesting character when you can just say he's pretty and noble and always so understanding and nice to your MC because... his father thinks Dark asha aren't that bad? I don't even know, guys. All this leads me to my biggest problem with the world building and the execution of this book. Apparently, all of this training to be an entertainer is integral to being an asha, because it seems their primary role is schmooze with the rich and famous, and receive combat training so they can nominally fight daeva. So, Bookdragon, you say, does this mean that men learn all of the dancing and the singing and all that, too? Hah, no, no, silly. Men don't dance and wear pretty clothes and learn about politics and stuff so they can be good conversationalists for the rich and famous. The men with magic become Deathseekers. Apparently, they're the ones that actually go around fighting things so the women can continue to be pretty and go to parties and marry the rich and famous they're catering to the every entertainment need of. The book also tells you repeatedly that Dark asha, which is what Tea is, are despised and only kept around because they're integral to fighting the daeva. Now, the reason the book has to repeatedly tell you this is because literally no one Tea interacts with outside of the very beginning of the book, treat her as anything less than a wonderful snowflake... except Zoya and Zoya's cronies, because we always need someone to the jealous, petty girl who treats the MC like crap for something the MC didn't do, and the maid, Farhi, who belongs to a Muslim culture that hates all asha but she works in an asha house, so she just literally never talks and the author doesn't have to actually care about giving her a personality. It's fantasy so it's not Islamophobic, right? Tea's barely trained on how to be a Dark asha, despite the book harping constantly about how's she one of only ones left and the other one will literally die if she keeps doing what she's supposed to be doing, and she's never allowed to actually fight the daeva. She has to rebel to do it. And also, despite her lack of training, because she's the specialest of all special, she's capable of not only taking over daeva and making them her familiars, but also of kicking other, far more trained Dark magic users out of command and creating special mental links with them and so on and so forth. Maybe Mykaela actually was teaching her and that was just another thing that was discarded from any actual mention or page time so that more hua could be described? I read the book all the way through because I was actually curious to see how it got to the present day blurbs but I was extremely dissatisfied with the fact that the two timelines did not converge and honestly, the book didn't have enough substance for me to even want to consider continuing.  I just genuinely do not care. 

TL;DR-

Characters: Shallow at best.  The most interesting characters were the ones you saw the least. Plot: A lengthy slog through tedious descriptions that feels a lot like a Memoirs of the Geisha fanfic with lowkey magical elements. Writing: Overly detailed with a lot of telling instead of showing. Overall: A generous two stars because I actually finished the book and didn’t actively feel like throwing it at the wall, but that’s the best I could actually say about it.

[glasshill]

not what you think it’s for

No, it is too much. Let me sum up:

No, I did not just have hip replacement surgery – that happened in 2009.

My 2009 hip replacement gave me heavy metal poisoning in my blood, bones, muscles and connective tissue. Especially in my Left hip. My Left hip really was the BIG winner poisoning wise.

I should make a movie called My Left Hip, or in Canada – My Tragically Left Hip.

Like super wtf levels of cobalt and chromium, in my blood – good thing they don’t do any harm or cause cancer, or tissue death…  or anything.

Wait…

So, I had super fun hip REVISION surgery (what you get after your hip replacement surgery goes real bad) in Jan 2017 (yes, almost 2 years ago, time flies when you’re in pain)

The top of my Left femur is gone, my pelvis had to be grafted with cadaver bone. The muscles, tendons, and ligaments of my Left hip are mostly dead (or all dead, depending who you talk to).

Because of #2, #4, #6 & #7, there are not enough muscles etc to keep my leg bone in my hip socket. This kinda sucks (except use the word REALLY instead of kinda for better accuracy).

Hip dislocations hurt more than a lot, like a bazillion time more than a lot. Like worse than labour and delivery. Not kidding, even slightly.

My left hip has dislocated 5 times. Aside, they are now hiring 12year olds to be paramedics. Not that I care just as long as they have the pain medicine and can get me to a hospital, just an observation. Also, some ER docs are great and some are… not as great. Just saying, but at least they’ve all been over 12.

Yes, I have a lawyer. We just filed suit. No, there won’t be much of a settlement, possibly none.

Yes, I’ve seen lots of specialists and had 2nd, 3rd, and 4th opinions. The most specialest of the specialists says ‘sucks to be you’ and you have to have this super sucky revision of the revision surgery (like Bride of Revision surgery… almost, okay. not.) that will cost billions and make getting off a toilet challenging, and the floor is right out.

I don’t like orthopedic surgeons anymore.

Yes, I tried MAYO, they said no – twice.

I still have heavy metal blood poisoning. No, there is nothing to do about it except wait till it goes away all on its own.

Dr. Specialest of the Specialists says you’re not getting any better and just have the super sucky surgery or don’t even try to talk to me again. Really.

I’m really not a fan of this guy (wait, all of the ortho guys are about the same, so ditto lack of affection in their collective and general directions).

I don’t want the surgery – I like being able to use a toilet, car and getting up and down on the floor.

I just got Stem Cells in My Left Hip  (Tragically Left Hip in Canada).

My Right Hip has the same problem that caused me to need my Left hip replaced in 2009.

They want to do hip replacement surgery on my Right hip.

Wanna guess how I feel about that?

I just got Step Cells in my Right hip, because F that surgery.

Nobody wants to watch my Stem Cell video or pictures because 8″ long needles.

I think it’s really cool, but okay, fine I won’t post it here.

I have three sets of crutches.

No, I’m not using them for attention.

I limp. Sometimes on both legs because it’s difficult to tell which leg will hurt/wobble etc. I pretend like it’s interpretive dance.

I got ‘sorta-dumped’ because of limp – to be fair it was 15mins into a first date and he said he couldn’t hang with a gimp, and got up and left me holding my coffee, so that was fun.

Yes, I can teach yoga on a crutch. I can even teach yoga in Cook County Jail on crutches and in a leg corset on Halloween because I’m a stubborn sort of person.

I got told to NOT bring my crutchy self into two separate yoga studios, because yoga students can’t handle a teacher on a crutch (just like 15min first date dude) and should not be subjected to that sort of trauma. Thank goodness for yoga in jail.

I have two walkers.

Ditto about attention.

Guess what I can do – Life Coaching, Personal Training, Yoga teaching, Sound Therapying, Light Therapying, Aromatherapying …. write ridiculously long blog posts, sarcasm and art.

Guess what I can’t do – practice yoga (well just vinyasa … and fusion… and Bikram… and hatha…), also can’t sit cross-legged – sukhasana free zone here.

I have one leg corset that Dr Super Sucky Specialest Specialist says I have to wear for 6 weeks, even when I’m sleeping.

I took it off after two weeks because this.

Are you still reading these?

Awesome, you’re the best.

I really mean that.

That’s about it. Thanks for walking my dog, bringing me groceries for the last two years, and making it possible for me to get stem cells, you know who you are and I love you a lot.

I bet I’m the first person to make a photo collage of their hip dislocations. #EarlyAdopter.

ouch

more ouch

continuing with the ouch theme

labels and junk

ouch for the win

Let Me ‘Splain… No, it is too much. Let me sum up: No, I did not just have hip replacement surgery - that happened in 2009.