#but my parents thought it was gay...

[puppyeared]

renaissance dogys

characters belong to @canisalbus

[jeennieluv]

just submitted a jongtae fic for my english assessment 😎

[aphidclan-clangen]

omg waittt, can I ask the kittypet that gave us lilacpaw? if so :

how many kits do you have? what are their names? what's YOUR name?? can we meet your partner? your very silly!!!!

[uhyeahnoabsolutelynot]

the gradual shift in joel from being the guy who’s so desensitized that he can carry a dead kid the same way he carried sarah to the site of her death and toss the corpse into a fire without blinking to being the guy who has a massive breakdown and almost nukes his whole life from the fear of ellie being irreparably harmed while under his care......and the way the last few episodes the show go out of their way to specifically test him on that fear.....like hey joel you’re mortally wounded and can’t protect or take care of her, what do you do. hey joel while you were bedridden she went through the worst experience of her life, what do you do. hey joel [insert spoilers for last ep here, you get the idea]. and he rises to the occasion, he pushes through the fear for her, because she asked him to. she wanted him to be the one to deliver her. she didn’t want anyone else. and he’s decided he’s going to give her whatever she wants

it takes time for the realization that he’s gonna have to confront his worst nightmare to really sink in. he’s built up a mental fortress against what happened to him 20 years ago. and you see that when he really starts to care is when all of that comes back up. the time skip between ep 5 and 6 was probably the Joel Quietly Freaks Out with Increasing Frequency and Intensity variety hour

and him telling her she’s not his daughter. aside from being that thing where you say the worst thing you can think of to someone when you’re trying to end your relationship with them so you can’t go back and change your mind later. but also, when you peel back all the layers of pain and fear, that’s him saying “you are not going to die.” up until that moment it’s the most honest and open expression of his feelings that he’s shared with her. his daughter died in his arms. that’s what happens to “joel’s daughter.” so ellie cannot be his daughter

that probably should’ve been 3 separate posts but it’s season finale day and i’m unmedicated, fuck it

[minibagel7]

[MHA CHAPTER 424 SPOILERS]

we just keep winning?????

and it's better and gayer than we ever could've imagined???

??????

[ssruis]

Wrt shipping & “why do they gotta be gay why cant they be friends” I will say: if you flipped the gender of one of the characters, would you still have that knee jerk reaction of “let them be friends” or would you more easily see how some of their moments could be interpreted as romantic?

[gods-favorite-autistic]

Good Omens incorrect quotes:

Aziraphale: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

Crowley, drinking toast: Why do you say that?

~

Aziraphale: Violence isn't the answer.

Crowley: You’re right.

Aziraphale: *sighs in relief*

Crowley: Violence is the question.

Aziraphale: What?

Crowley, bolting away: And the answer is yes.

Aziraphale, running after them: NO-

~

Aziraphale: Do you take constructive criticism?

Crowley: I only take cash or credit.

~

Aziraphale: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Crowley: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

~

Aziraphale: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Crowley: What did you do?

Aziraphale: Nobody died.

Crowley: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

~

Aziraphale: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Crowley: Killed without hesitation.

Aziraphale: No.

~

*how season 3 should start*

Aziraphale: Top 30 reasons why Aziraphale is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you!

Crowley: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

~

Crowley: You're right.

Aziraphale: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

~

Beelzebub: I’m going to take you out

Gabriel: great, it’s a date!

Beelzebub: I meant that as a threat.

Gabriel: See you at five!

~

Crowley: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

Gabriel: *Out of breath* THEY PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

~

Beelzebub: I made tea.

Crowley: I don’t want tea.

Beelzebub: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Crowley: Then why are you telling me?

Beelzebub: It is a conversation starter.

Crowley: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Beelzebub: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

~

Aziraphale: This is bothering me.

Crowley: Well, you are digging up a corpse.

Aziraphale: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

~

Aziraphale: Whaddya call a fish with no eye?

Gabriel, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Aziraphale:

Aziraphale: fsh

~

Crowley: God, give me patience.

Gabriel: I think you mean 'give me strength'.

Crowley: If God gave me strength, you'd be dead.

~

Aziraphale: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.

Crowley: That's why I carry two swords.

~

Gabriel: So what’s for dinner?

Beelzebub, staring at the food they just burnt: Regret.

~

Muriel: Why are you on the floor?

Crowley: I'm depressed.

Crowley: Also I was stabbed, can you get Aziraphale, please.

~

Store Worker: Would a Mr. Fell please come to the front desk?

Aziraphale, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker: points to Crowley and Muriel

Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?

Crowley and Muriel, simultaneously: We got lost :(

Aziraphale: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

~

Muriel: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Crowley: The cow???

Muriel: What?

Aziraphale: Crowley, W H Y?

~

Aziraphale: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Crowley?

Crowley: … No.

Muriel: I do!

Aziraphale: I know, Muriel.

Muriel: I’m sad!

Aziraphale: I know, Muriel.

~

Muriel: What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?

Crowley: The car takes a screenshot.

Aziraphale: For the last time, get the fuck out.

~

Crowley: Aziraphale and I don’t use pet names.

Nina: I see. Hey, what are those things with the halos called again??

Crowley: Angel?

Aziraphale: Yes, dear?

Crowley:

Nina: Don't ever lie to my face again.

~

Muriel: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.

Crowley: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Aziraphale isn’t

~

Aziraphale: We need a distraction.

Crowley: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Muriel, whispering: My time has come

~

Aziraphale: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

Muriel: Okay, but in my defense, Mr. Crowley bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink all that shampoo.

Aziraphale: That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

~

Aziraphale: Crowley, keep an eye on Gabriel today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Crowley: Sure, I’d love to see Gabriel get punched.

Aziraphale: Try again.

Crowley, sighing: I will stop Gabriel from getting punched.

~

Maggie: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Crowley: I'm a knife.

Aziraphale, from across the room: They're the little spoon.

~

Aziraphale, driving Crowley and Muriel: So how was your day?

Muriel: We almost got surprise adopted!

Aziraphale: What?

Crowley: We almost got kidnapped.

Aziraphale: Oh, okay.

Aziraphale: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?

~

Aziraphale: You have to apologize to Gabriel

Crowley: Fine.

Crowley: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

~

Crowley: Hey angel,

Aziraphale: Yes?

Crowley: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?

Aziraphale:

Aziraphale: Where’s Gabriel?

~

Aziraphale: WHY. why did you give Muriel a KNIFE?!

Crowley: I’m sorry. They said they felt unsafe.

Aziraphale: Now I feel unsafe!

Crowley: I’m sorry.

Crowley: ... would you like a knife?

~

Muriel: Hey, Mr. Crowley? Can I get some dating advice?

Crowley: Just because I’m with Aziraphale doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

~

Aziraphale: Crowley and I are having a baby.

Muriel: That's gre-

Aziraphale, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

~

Muriel: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Crowley: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Aziraphale: In that case, we're definitely lost

~

Muriel: What do you think Mr. Crowley will do for a distraction?

Aziraphale: They’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Aziraphale: ... or they could do that.

~

Aziraphale: I trust Crowley.

Muriel: You think they know what they're doing?

Aziraphale: I wouldn't go that far.

~

Aziraphale: While I’m gone, Muriel, you’re in charge.

Muriel: Yes!!!

Aziraphale, whispering: Crowley, you’re secretly in charge.

Crowley: Obviously.

~

Aziraphale: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?

Crowley: *turning to Gabriel* How tall are you?

[nottobehornyonthemain]

I’m just going to throw my hat into the ring about Steve’s parents because I’m bored. But like, Let’s spice up the level of shitty parenting.

Give me a Mrs. Harrington who’s actually a professional. Steve has said that she’s “super well respected” and, for as much as the fandom likes to play him as a dumbass, you don’t put people whoes only achievement is being a jealous housewife on your résumé, especially when you have another parent with a notable (ostensibly white collar) career.

Give me a Mrs. Harrington who’s a news anchor, or a lawyer. Give me a Mrs. Harrington who worked her ass off to be taken seriously by men for the entire late 50’s and early 60’s. Give me a young, ambitious woman with hazel eyes at a mixer for the company she’s working for in Chicago one night, who caught the eye of the charismatic man with ridiculous fluffy brown hair.

Give me a Mr. Harrington who grew up with a veteran father who never really seemed to care. Give me a little boy waiting, every day, for his dad’s letters, waiting for his father Otis to get back from this horrible war. And then he does, and he’s a hero, and suddenly it’s like nothing his son does is worth his notice. When he’s 15 and gets into his first fight? Otis doesn’t even comment on his bruised face before he walks out the door in the morning. When he gets into college? His mother is the one to hand him the watch his parents allegedly both got him as a graduation present. When he gets a job! A good job, where he has his own office and his name on a plate on his desk, not so much as a card.

Give me a Mr. Harrington who promised himself that, if he ever had a son, he would notice. He would pay attention to his kid’s grades, and what they were doing in school. That he would be proud of whatever college his son got into. That if his kid was ever doing something stupid, drinking, fighting, smoking, he would care. And he would say something.

Give me a Mr. Harrington meeting a beautiful woman in Chicago one night, and somehow, convincing her to come back to Hawkins with him. Give me the big news engagement and the blowout wedding fit for two people with nowhere to go but up.

Give me the Harrington couple buying their house, and planning to wait a few years before they start having children. Give me them having their first child, a son.

Give me a Mrs. Harrington being offered the promotion she’s been working towards for years almost immediately after, and taking it.

Give me a Mr. Harrington who never really thought his wife would keep working when they had children, but being smart enough not to say anything about it. Give me them realizing that, between both of their jobs, plans change, and their son will be their only child.

Give me a Mrs. Harrington who “doesn’t trust” her husband not because he might be cheating on her, but because, for as much as he can charm and schmooze with just about anyone, he has never had anyone tell him that he lacks actual understanding of his business. Give me a Mrs. Harrington seeing a stack of papers her husband brought home last night where the math doesn’t quite add up. Give me the blowout fight over his shady new business partner and the costs they could save if they just… cut a few corners. Give me her struggling to be taken seriously and explain to him that the consequences could be actual jail time and a complete destruction of their lives. Give me him hating that she thinks she knows better than him about his own business.

Give me a Mr. Harrington who keeps his promise to care about what his son is doing. Give me his unnecessary lectures, and comments and micromanagement whenever his son walks in the door.

Give me a Mrs. Harrington who couldn’t care less what her son is doing as long as he’s alive. Give me her bitchy comments that have been her best defense in the professional world for so long rubbing off on her son.

Give me a Steve who’s let it shape him. Who got his brown eyes, and desire to be at the top of the social sphere as soon as possible from his mom. Who got his begrudging tendencies to care while still finding something to complain about from his dad.

Give me a Harrington couple who isn’t absent, exactly. Who have the occasional business trip, but are actually in town when most of this stuff goes down. Give me a house that’s almost always empty, not because no one lives there, but because Mrs. Harrington is out late again tonight because the boss needs to be sure everything is in perfect order for Monday. Because Mr. Harrington absolutely has to close this deal. Because Steve has practice for both swimming and basketball today.

Give me a Steve who craves the domestic because of this. Who doesn’t have big plans or ambitions. Who, at his center, just wants to be able to flop on the couch and watch movies with the people he cares about. Who wants family vacations, and kids, and a big house filled with noise. Give me a Steve who understands that that’s where his love of parties came from.

Give me a Mr. Harrington who watches as his son seems to completely throw away everything he worked so hard to give him. Give me the fights over the beer, and the weed, and the grades. Give me the bombshell that his son didn’t even manage to get into college, and the realization that he needs to learn to be responsible.

Give me a Mr. Harrington who comes home one night to Robin and Dustin eating cereal in his kitchen at midnight. Who doesn’t really know what to say, so he sets down his briefcase and eats a bowl of cereal while asking these children who they are and why they’re in his house. Give me a Mr. Harrington patting his son on the back the next morning and telling he how much he likes the nice girl who can speak every language, and the little boy who can recite the periodic table from memory. Give me a Mr. Harrington who knows he made the right decision when he made his son get a job of his own instead of just working for him.

Give me a Mrs. Harrington who, when Steve informs her in the middle of a conversation that he has a boyfriend, doesn’t look up from the mirror where she’s applying her eyeliner.

Give me a Steve who’s had enough of her not caring and asks her, “really? You don’t have anything to say?”

Give me a Mrs. Harrington icily meeting his eyes in the mirror and saying, “Steven. You’ve been putting egg in your hair once a week since you were twelve and a girl in your class told you it makes it shiny, and you’ve been stealing my hairspray even longer.” Then goes back to lining her eyes.

[paverics]

a gay guy approached my mum on a night out last night and said he “knows” that she is transsexual because he’s a gay man and he “can tell”

but here’s the thing — my mum had cancer. twice. she lost all of her hair. it’s never grown back. she wears a wig. it’s something she’s incredibly self conscious about. and it made her cry

my mum had 2 surgeries to remove all of her female reproductive organs, and she still suffers from the aftermath of those surgeries. i spent 2 years thinking she was going to die. i saw her in hospital for weeks, unable to walk and barely eating. i see her now struggling with the consequences of those surgeries. her lack of hair is the least important or interesting thing about her. i’m just so thankful she’s still here, regardless of how she looks (which is still beautiful btw, and i wish she saw it)

so i just want to encourage people to keep thoughts to themselves because i cannot stress enough how wildly inappropriate it is to approach a cancer survivor and question their womanhood when that womanhood almost killed them. mind your business

[hauntingofhouses]

i know I've mentioned my interpretation of mizu's gender a million times on here but i don't think i ever fully elaborated on it.

so on that note i just wanna ramble about that for a bit. basically, it's my reading of the show that mizu is nonbinary, so let me dig into that.

putting the rest under the cut because it ended up being pretty long lol. also here have a cute mizu pic of her being happy and most at ease with herself, symbolised by her letting her hair down. <3 ok let's proceed.

thus, when i refer to mizu as nonbinary, i am interpreting mizu as a woman, but not ONLY a woman. not strictly a woman. she is also a man. she is also neither of these things, she is something in between, while at the same time she is none of these at all. i've said as much many times, but i just don't want people to think that when i say nonbinary, it inherently means a "third androgynous gender" that essentially turns the gender binary into a gender trinary. not only is that going against what the term nonbinary was crafted for (to go against rigid boxes and categorisation of gender identities), but also, not all nonbinary people fall under that category or definition, and that's definitely not the way i interpret mizu.

okay before i go deeper i'd just like to address some important things. first of all, this post is an analysis of canon, and thus everything i am arguing for is about my own interpretation of the show, and not some baseless projected headcanon i am projecting onto the character. please remember there is a difference between an interpretation (subjective; interpretations will differ from viewer to viewer, but ultimately it is firmly rooted in evidence taken from the source material) VS a headcanon (unrelated and often even contrary to what is presented in canon; opinions wildly differ and they cannot be argued for because there is no canonical evidence to back it up).

ALSO please note that nonbinary is an umbrella term. this means that it applies to a vast range of gender identities. other identities that fall under the nonbinary umbrella include agender, bigender, genderfluid, and so on. however, it's my personal preference to use the term nonbinary as it is, simply because i'm not a fan of microlabels (more power to you if you do like them and find they suit you more though!).

also, before anyone fights me on this, let me clarify further that gender means something different to everyone. it's not your biological sex or physical characteristics. but at the same time, gender is not mere presentation. you can be a trans woman and still present masculine—either because you're closeted and forced to, or because you just want to—and either way, that doesn't take away from your identity as a woman. same goes for trans men. if you're a trans man but you wear skirts and don't bind or don't get top surgery, that doesn't make you any less of a man. because gender non-conformity exists, and does not only apply to cis people! some lesbians are nonbinary and prefer using he/him pronouns while dressing masculinely, but that doesn't mean they're a man, or that they're any less of a lesbian. neither does this mean that they're a cis woman.

the thing about queer identities in general is that, like i said, they mean something different to everyone, because how you identify—regardless of your biological attributes and fashion or pronouns—is an extremely personal experience. so a nonbinary person and a gnc cis woman's experiences might have plenty of overlap, but what distinguishes between the two is up to the individual. there's no set requirements to distinguish you as one or the other, but it's up to you to decide what you identify as, based on what you feel. either way, by simply identifying yourself as anything under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, you are already communicating to the world that you are not what a conservative, cisheteronormative society wants you to be.

which is why i find all this queer infighting on labels to be so ridiculous. because we're all fighting the same fight; the common enemy is a societal structure that divides us into set roles and expectations purely based on our biological parts. that's why biological essentialism in the queer community is a fucking disease. because by arguing that women are inherently weak and fragile and soft and gentle and must be protected from evil ugly men, while men are inherently strong and angry and violent and exploitative of women, these people are advocating for the same fucked up system that marginalises and abuses women as well as effeminate and/or gay men.

anyway. i'm going on a tangent. this was meant to be a blue eye samurai post. so yeah back to that— the point i'm trying to make is that there's no singular way to identify as anything, as everyone's views on gender, especially their own, is specific and personal to the individual.

so with that being said, yes you can definitely interpret mizu as a gnc cis woman and that's a totally valid reading of the text. however, interpreting her as nonbinary or transmasc also doesn't take away from her experiences with misogyny and female oppression, because nonbinary and transmasc folks also experience these things.

me, personally, i view her as nonbinary but not necessarily or not always transmasc because i still believe femininity and womanhood is a very inherent part of who mizu is. for example, from what we've seen, she does not like binding. it does not give her gender euphoria, but is instead very uncomfortable for her both physically and mentally, and represents her suppressing her true self. which is why when she "invites the whole" of herself, she stands completely bare in front of the fire, breasts unbound and hair untied. when she is on the ship heading to a new land in the ending scene, she is no longer hiding her neck and the lack of an adam's apple. we can thus infer that mizu does not have body dysmorphia. she is, in fact, comfortable in her body, and relies on it extremely, because her body is a weapon. instead, what mizu hates about herself is her face—her blue eyes. she hates herself for her hybridised racial identity, hates herself for being a racial Other. hates that she has no home in her homeland. thus it is important to note that these are not queer or feminist themes, but postcolonial ones.*

* and as a tiny aside on this subject, i really do wish more of the fandom discussion would talk about this more. it's just such an essential part to reading her character. like someone who's read homi k bhabha's location of culture and has watched this show, PLEASE talk to me so we can ramble all about how the show is all about home and alienation from community. please. okay anyway—

nevertheless, queer and feminist themes (which are not mutually exclusive by the way!) are still prevalent in her story, though they are not the main issue that she is struggling with. but she does struggle with it to some extent, and we see this especially during her marriage with mikio, where we see her struggle in women's domestic spaces.

on the other hand, though, she finds no trouble or discomfort in being a man or being around other men—even naked ones—and does not seem stifled by living as one, does not seem all that bothered or uncomfortable navigating through men's spaces. contrast this to something like disney's mulan (1998), where we do see mulan struggle in navigating through men's spaces, as she feels uncomfortable being around so many men, always feeling like she doesn't belong and that she's inherently different from them. mizu has no such experiences like this, as her very personality and approach to life is what can be categorised as typically "masculine". she is straightforward and blunt. her first meeting with mikio, she tells him straight to his face that he's old while frowning and raising a brow at him. she approaches problems with her muscles and fists (or swords), rather than with her words or mind. compare this with mulan, who, while well-trained by the end of the movie, still uses her sharp wits rather than brute strength. this is a typically "feminine" approach. it's also the approach akemi relies on throughout the show—through her intelligence and persuasive tongue, she navigates the brothel with ease. mizu, in contrast to someone like mulan and akemi, struggles with womanhood and femininity, and feels detached from it.

thus, in my opinion, mizu is not simply a man, nor is she simply a woman. she is both. man and woman. masculine and feminine. she has to accept both, rather than suppress one or the other. her name means water. fluid.

as a side note, while i do believe mizu is nonbinary, i also primarily use she/her pronouns for her, but this is a personal preference. i find it's easier to use in fanfic (singular they is confusing to write stories with, but again, that's just my feelings on it, and this is coming from someone who uses they/they pronouns). i also lean towards she/her because it's what the creators and all the official promotional copywriting of the show uses. and even though i am a "death to the author" enjoyer, i feel that when interpreting things that are left open-ended, it does help to look at the creators' take on things. also because, in general, being nonbinary simply doesn't necessitate the use of they/them pronouns. nonbinary is not just a third gender. it's about breaking the binary, in any which way, and that's exactly what mizu does, constantly.

also, i'd also like to mention that one of show's head of story even referred to her with the term "nonbinary", rather than simply "androgynous" (see pic below). and it's possible this could be a slip up on his part, in which he believes the terms are interchangeable (they're not btw), but regardless i find it a very interesting word choice, and one that supports my argument.

so anyway yeah that's my incredibly long rambling post.

TL;DR nonbinary mizu rights 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 congrats if you reached the end of this btw. also ily. unless you're a TERF in which case fuck off. ok i'm done.

[witchering10123]

ok but sirius being so confused when remus says he's gay because??? gay means happy??? was he not happy before???

[the-catboy-minyan]

I saw you are Israeli with an asexual flag icon. I know you it's not your job to educate me and have no obligation, but if you don't mind, could I ask what your experience of views towards asexuality in Israel are? I'm an American asexual with Israeli family I'm just getting to know since we were in different countries and weren't really in contact until recently. I'm wondering how asexuality is viewed there and what to expect about social attitudes towards it?

honestly I got no clue, the only people who really know I'm ace are my queer friends (who are already educated from western media on what lgbtq is), and my mom.

my mom is all "don't label yourself because you're putting yourself in a box and blocking yourself to new experiences, you're you and that's what matters (also asexuality isn't a thing you're just childish)", I don't know if her views are an accurate example of what the average Israeli thinks, because I'm pretty sure she's somewhere under the NB and bi umbrellas and just doesn't feel the need to use labels, but she's the only "negative" experience I had with coming out as ace, other people probably wouldn't care about your lack of sex life.

also my dad is a whole other story but I gave up on explaining to him what queerness is, he tries to support at least, in a way of "I have no idea what this is and I don't really like it, but it's your life and I can't control what you do with it, I'm gonna give my opinion sometimes (aka scoff and say it's bullshit) but I'm not gonna force you to do anything". which is better than nothing! I can't force him to understand what non binary means or why I want top surgery (he's against all cosmetical surgeries not just gender), and he can't force me to be Normal™, win win ☺️.

[ronanlynchbf]

[darkyukifr]

I’m trying to reflect on many things these last months, about my place in this world as an aroace person but also about my place in fandoms. And I found this amazing comic on this subject by bloggingboutburgers.

This is something I’m struggling with A LOT and I’m still trying to explore this side of myself.

For many years now I’m deeply engaging with shipping cultures in fandoms (mostly as a lurker and recently by contributing publicly), because I couldn’t help but think that a character becomes really interesting only when they are involved in a romantic and/or sexual relationship, and they become worthy of a story (I’m taking these last words from this post because they struck me). Even when the character wasn’t involved in one, I found myself waiting for any kind of romantic/sexual plot to appear.

And this is such a HORRIBLE though to have as an aroace person who is romance and sex repulsed IRL. It’s like telling myself I’m not worthy as a person, even if I have many other beautiful kinds of relationships in my life for 27 years now. It’s a strange feeling where I’m ignoring my own existence and I’m just a random soul in this world, like a side character who loves and is loved by their family and friends, and by other humans in general, but who isn’t the main character of their own life.

But I also know it’s one of the consequences of this capitalist society that encourages nuclear families, and any other kinds of communities or relationships are depicted as less valuable, and it sadly sticks way too hard in my mind.

I realised these last months that I became physically disgusted by porn fics or drawings of my favorite ships because of the huge amount of it, and above all because I couldn’t engage with many of the people from these fandoms anymore. I even had to unfollow some of them because all this smut started to feel unbearable. It’s like I wasn’t able to keep going with my masquerade, but I wasn’t even aware I was doing this masquerade until I reached this point xD As if I was in a kind of denial all this time? Like I was thinking “yeaaah I can do it easily” when I can’t and I was just seeking community and some kind of validation? I usually enjoy this kind of art, but engaging actively with people highlighted the fact that these fantasies were not intangible fantasies anymore.

I’m still trying to analyse my feelings: is shipping interesting to me when I’m alone, and discussing about it with other people who are romantically and sexually active makes me realise that “oh, fandoms are not different than real life places on this subject. I can’t engage in these horny discussions endlessly without feeling sick at some point. And they are not interested in talking about something else than sex or romance, or the discussion just dies”? Do I like talking about it but I just need to understand what my boundaries are? Or am I just afraid to focus on the other possible paths outside of sex and romance because relating to them would be scary?

Fortunately I don’t have this problem with my friends and I met wonderful people in fandoms with whom it’s possible to talk about other things, or with whom I can talk about romance/sex without feeling pressured to empathise (they understand these are more likely jokes or sociological discussions to me and they respect it xD). But these “side character” thoughts stay and do make me feel lonely as I grow older.

I forced myself to work on one of my adult aroace OC for more than a year and it really heals me. It is indeed possible to make a person worthy of a story without being involved in any romantic or sexual relationships, even if they still have to confront the society norms in their everyday life. But it’s also surprisingly not that difficult? At least not more than thinking about any other character’s life.

All this time I advocated for queer relationships and I do think it’s VERY important to do it. And I will keep drawing all kinds of relationships. But I also think I should advocate for my aroace self a little bit more.

To sum up my reflexion, I should try to give myself some more love by thinking about other things than shipping, and to give myself more space to explore and give importance to other topics even if they feel more personal. What is important is to love, no matter the form it takes, and all these forms are valid.

(I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate in fandoms, maybe I will find solutions someday, maybe I won’t xD since I can’t control the disgust phases when they come to me gzeibgiebzgzui)

[mxwhore]

ok i need to fall in love immediately for my peace of mind

[milo-igidk]

i just really love how chill keefe and alvar are about gay ppl bc genuinely THATS how kids/teens react to gay ppl irl like its SO wild for conservatives to say "its confusing to children :((((" bc no its literally not

i learned ppl could be trans when i was like 13 by my cousin mentioning an actor in a show we liked had transitioned from ftm and i just went "oh cool you can do that? thats awesome that hes comfortable now"