#but mum & dad fell in love + conceived her in fall

[gourmetsimmer]

nooboo!

[itsallyscorner]

Toms son asking him where babies come from blurb pls

Hello darling!❤️ Thank you for your request and I’m so sorry that it took a while for me to do😭 But thank you for you patience, I hope you like it!

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Where Do Babies Come From?

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Tiny feet could be heard padding against the hardwood floors of Tom’s home. He had been in the study room with Harry creating future plans and events for The Brother’s Trust. On his laptop was Sam, who joined the meeting via Facetime

“You know what would be fun? What if we had a little bake off?” Sam suggested through the laptop.

“How would that work?” Harry asked, resting his chin in his palm. “Well I’m obviously gonna be the judge. I want to see you both put your shit cooking skills to the test.” Sam remarked, snickering at the offended looks on his brothers’ faces.

“I’m actually a good cook, Lucas said so.” Tom boasted, a proud smile on his face since his son approved of his cooking. The door to the study suddenly opened slowly, catching the attention of all three Holland brothers. Behind the door was Tom’s ‘mini me’, Lucas.

“Hey, little man!” Harry greeted Lucas, wheeling his chair closer to the entrance of the room. Harry gathers his nephew into his arms and lifts him up to sit on his lap, wheeling back to Tom.

Tom softly smiles at his son, chuckling at the left over pudding that had stained the corners of Lucas’ mouth. Tom lifts his thumb up, gently wiping them away from Lucas’ face.

“Luca!” Sam yelled, wildly waving his hand at the camera. Lucas simply waves, mind too focused on the question that has been in his head all day.

“Dada?” Lucas asks, his tone hinting curiosity.

“Yes, bubbs?”

“Where do babies come from?” The question catches all of the men off guard, especially Tom. His mouth opens to say something but nothing came out. Too many thoughts were running in his head. Why was Lucas suddenly interested in the creation of babies? He knew his son would probably ask him the question one day, but he never expected it to be this soon. He was simply not prepared to tell his son about the cycle of life.

A look of panic washes over Tom’s face as he silently asks Sam and Harry for help. His two younger brothers only shrug with amused expressions on their face.

“Uh—well, did you ask mum?” Tom questions his son, shifting in his seat. Lucas innocently shakes his head, “Nope, mummy was cooking and I didn’t wanna bother her.” The four year old answered, scratching his head.

“You know, speaking of cooking, I think I left my stove open!” Sam said, followed by the sound FaceTime made whenever someone ended a call.

“This seems like a conversation you gentlemen should have, I’m going to help (y/n) cook.” Harry gently sets Lucas onto his dad’s lap and swiftly exists the room. The door closes and Tom is left with his son and the big question of the day.

Lucas only stares at his dad with his big brown eyes, patiently waiting for his dad’s response. His tiny brows furrowed together, “Dada, do you need me to say the question again?”

Tom quickly shakes his head wrapping his arms around his son and pulling him into his chest. “No, I heard you the first time, Lukey.”

Tom’s eyes shift from the ceiling to Lucas, “Well where do you think babies come from?”

Lucas adorably purses his lips together, making his ‘thinking’ face that resembled Tom’s whenever he was deep in thought.

“From mummy’s belly. She eats the babies and then it comes out, like poop!” Lucas explains enthusiastically. His little arms waving around while he talked, making Tom’s heart swell in adoration.

Tom couldn’t help but let out a laugh at his son’s theory on babies. He wasn’t entirely wrong.

“Well, you’re not wrong, it does come out like poop.” Tom acknowledges, his son only nodding in agreement. “Wait, how do you know that babies come out like poop?”

Lucas shrugs, “How else is it supposed to leave mummy’s tummy? When she eats it, she poops it out, like food. Mama said that’s how the digesive system works.” Though he mispronounced the word, digestive, Tom was still impressed at how intelligent his son was. Thankfully, Lucas inherited your brain and your wits instead of his.

Lucas leans into his dad’s chest, hands coming up to lazily pull and smush his dad’s face together. “Is that how it really works, daddy?”

Tom hums, making funny faces while Lucas squished his cheeks together. “Not quite, bubba.” Tom comments, though it came out muffled due to the tiny hands on his face.

Lucas stopped, his bottom lip jutted out, and a crinkle formed on the skin between his eyebrows. “Then how does it work?” The toddler huffed, crossing his little arms.

“Uhm..”

“Do they use magic?”

“No?” Tom responded, though his answer seemed more like a question.

Lucas’ curiosity was peaking and the questions just kept on coming.

“Are babies from the factories? Like in Boss Baby?”

“Not really.”

“Then why did they show the babies in a factory, dada?”

Tom’s mouth was agape, “Because...because—it makes the process look much more fun for little kids?”

Little Lucas frustratedly threw his hands in the air, “But what IS the process, dada?”

Tom releases a breath of air and sits up in his seat. He adjusts Lucas on his lap, who was staring at him intently still waiting for his dad to tell him where babies come from.

“Alright, so when, um, when a woman and a man fall in love with each other. Like really, really, in love, they have all of these feelings.” Tom starts, trying to think of a PG yet somewhat accurate explanation to baby making—sex, in other words.

“Like how you and mummy are really, really, in love?” Lucas interjects. Tom nods and snaps his fingers, “Yes, exactly like mummy and I.”

“So when the mummy and daddy share lots and lots of powerful feelings for each other—it all comes together and becomes one big ball of love. And that big ball of love turns into a baby that grows in the mummy’s stomach for about nine months.” Tom explains, his hands making wild gestures and his face becoming expressive to make the story more interesting for his son.

Lucas’ mouth fell open, “So that’s how you and mummy made me?” A lopsided grin was on Tom’s face as he stared down at his son. The similar chocolate brown eyes that Lucas inherited from him twinkled in wonder.

“Yup, that’s exactly how we made you.” Tom confirms, fondly brushing a hand through the mop of curls that rested on Lucas’ head.

Lucas rested his chin on his dad’s chest. “So I’m a big ball of you and mama’s feelings?” He mumbled, eyes suddenly feeling heavy.

Tom hums, “Yeah, you’re our big bundle of love, sunshine.” He notices Lucas’ head beginning to loll to the side, so he gently places his hand behind Lucas’ head and rests it against his chest.

“That’s cool.” Lucas whispers before drifting off to sleep in his daddy’s arms. Tom is left admiring his son, just like the day he first arrived into the world. Lucas’ features were a combination of Tom’s and yours. He remembers the night Lucas was conceived and the memories that followed after you told him you were pregnant. He remembers feeling nothing but endless love from you and endlessly loving you every single day. Looking at his son, he’s reminded everyday of the love you both share. Lucas was right, he really is a big ball of your and Tom’s feelings.

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↪︎ @lovableparker @aprettyfleur @sunwardsss @dummiesshort @thotforcriminalminds @cuddlykoala101 @itstaskeen @whoslili @white-wolf1940 @tomsirishgirlx @roseke @kaylans-imagines @spideyspeaches @xxstrangegirlxxx @slutforsebstan

General Taglist:

↪︎ @quxxnxfhxll @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @thegirlwiththediary @agustdowney @bi-lmg

[judediangelo75]

An Enchanted Kiss (Part 1)

An Enchanted Kiss

Alright, let’s see if I can do this…

--------------------

This is a story that took place long ago.

A story of about loneliness... sadness… understanding... love...

Between a young Winter Sprite and a Spring Nymph...

This is their tale...

----

Once there lived a young couple, a summer Fae named Ava and a Winter Sprite named Trent. The two were madly in love with one another and desired to start a family together. 

For many years, the couple have struggled to conceive a child.

Until one day, Ava felt something stir in her womb. This both shocked and delighted the pair, for now they had a chance of starting the family they longed prayed for. 

The pregnancy, however, took a toll on the Summer Fae. She could feel ice build within her veins with each passing month of her pregnancy. Her unborn child is already proving to be a powerful Winter Sprite. 

Strong enough to freeze her from the inside out...

With a steely resolve, she knew she wouldn’t survive long after the birth. With this in mind, she informed Trent of her possible demise.

The Winter Sprite was heartbroken to her the news that he would be without his beloved, but heeded her words of wisdom about how to care for their child when he or she was born.

Despite the pain, Ava still glowed with the warmth of the summer sun. She constantly doted on her expanding belly, singing and speaking kindly to her unborn child.

It wasn’t until one fateful day, she felt a painful contraction and liquid leak down her leg.

Her child was ready to see the world.

In their home, Ava went through several long hours of labor. She could feel the cold spread more rapidly, causing her blood to grow sluggish. Trent attended to his weakening wife’s every need.

Even suffering a mangled hand and she pushed their child into the world.

Their faces lit up at the sound of their child’s first wail of life. Trent quickly cut the cord that connected mother to child and proceeded to clean the babe.

“It’s a boy,” he whispered to his tired wife, tears of happiness and heartbreak running down his face. Ava raised her arms.

“May I...” Never one to deny his lovely wife anything, Trent handed off their son to her. Ava gazed down at her son, whose cloudy red eyes gazed sightlessly back at her.

“He... he has your eyes,” she whispered, caressing the babe’s soft cheek. Trent pressed a kiss to her temple.

“And he looks like he’ll have your hair color,” he whispered back as the young boy fell asleep in his mother’s arms.

“He’s beautiful,” Ava said softly, the cold began to slowly numb her senses.

“What would you like to name him,” Trent asked, gently squeezing her freezing hand.

“Talbott... his name is Talbott,” Trent smiled.

“Talbott... it’s perfect,” he said. Ava gave her husband one last adoring look, squeezing his hand back. 

“I love you, Trent,” she whispered. Trent willed himself not to cry in front her, knowing she wouldn’t want him to feel sad.

“And I you, my beautiful Swan,” he replied, placing a chaste kiss to her cheek. A week giggle escaped Ava’s lips at the gesture.

She placed a kiss to her son’s forehead.

“I love you, my little Talbott. Forever and always,” she told the sleeping babe. Ava could feel her heart slowing down and suddenly felt immensely tired.

She gave her husband one last smile before closing her eyes, submitting to her eternal slumber.

Trent pressed another kiss to his wife’s cold forehead, a lone tear running down his cheek. He then took his sleeping son in his arms so he could rest in his nursey.

Then there were two...

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Years would go by and Talbott grew up to be a quiet handsome boy. 

He inherited his father’s red eyes and sharp facial features but had the same skin color and hair color from his dear mother.

He was told what happened to his mother after he constantly questioned his dad about her whereabouts. Trent didn’t want to break his son’s heart by telling him what really happened to her but when he asked if she abandoned them, he broke.

Talbott balled in his father’s lap when he understood what has become of his mum. It was almost impossible to calm the weeping child. Until Trent remembered a gift left behind by his late wife. Leading his son to his bedroom, Trent searched the drawers until he found what he was looking for.

He dusted off the box before handing it to his sniffling son.

“What’s this, dad,” the young boy asked, wiping his teary face. Trent gave his son a small smile.

“A gift from your mother...” Talbott stared at the plain brown box before tentatively opening it. A white feather necklace.

“Your mum was an Animagus, meaning she could transform into an animal. Her Animagus form was a Swan. She wanted to leave you something to remember her by,” his father explained. Talbott gave his dad a teary smile before on the necklace. The young child hugged his sire.

“Thank you, dad. I love you and mum,” he mumbled into his chest. Trent let out a shaky breath before returning the hug.

“And we love you, Talbott. Always...”

-----------------

“Dad, dad! Guess what, I can d-” The excitement that flooded the young Winter Sprite was replaced with devastation.

There laying in bed was his father. He held a wood drawing of his late wife to his chest. A single tear streak was found on his ashen face.

Talbott quickly rushed over to his side, trying to find a pulse. But there was none.

Talbott wept over his dead father’s body, pleading with him to come back. To open his eyes so he could show him his new ability to turn into a Golden Eagle. That he inherited another gift from his mother. To watch him smile and laugh as he flew overhead.

A gaping hole was felt right where his heart was. Frost was building in his veins as a snow storm quickly began to form outside his home.

Pulling away, Talbott stared sightlessly at his father. With a flick of his wrist, Trent’s body levitated under a cushion of snow flurries.

Talbott got up and walked out, with his dad’s body trailing behind him. With his destination in mind, the young man walked in the snow that was quickly picking up speed. But he paid it no mind.

For it can’t compare to the cold emptiness building within his chest.

Some time would pass until Talbott reached a lake. Heading towards the massive weeping willow, Talbott stood in front of a familiar ice gravestone.

This was the place his mum was laid to rest.

It would only be right if he were to give his dad the chance to be with her again.

Using his magic, Talbott slowly lowered his dad’s body towards the ground, watching as nature seem to swallow it body home. As if they were claiming one of their own once more.

Talbott erected another gravestone of ice, this time with his father’s name one it.

The young Winter Sprite stood there for some time. Not saying a word as his magic swirled around him.

The only thing he could think of was now his parents were together again.

But he was left alone.

His passive face morphed into glare.

And if he had to be alone, then the entire world will feel his loneliness as well…

————————————

Few days later, miles away from the Winter Sprite’s home was a Spring Nymph. Her name was Judith.

The young girl was her father’s pride but her mother’s disappointment.

Kendrick, a Summer Fae, and Sade, a Fall Pixie, only were together out of circumstance.

The Summer Fae had intentions on leaving since he didn’t believe the relationship was going anywhere until the Fall Pixie said she was pregnant with his child.

He cared the pregnant woman and helped her through the birthing process of their child. Kendrick may have not knew love with Sade but he couldn’t help but to fall in love looking into his daughter’s droopy gold eyes.

While he was happy to have a daughter, Sade detested the young babe. She knew Kendrick didn’t love her.

Last thing she wanted was a child that reminded her of this.

Few months after the birth, Sade left.

She didn’t leave a note as to why.

Kendrick wasn’t sure how to feel about her disappearance. While he wasn’t sad or angry, he felt worried that his child wouldn’t have a loving maternal figure.

But his little princess didn’t seem bothered at all. So neither was he.

Judith grew up to be a beautiful young woman, almost her father’s twin.

The Spring Nymph proven to be a ray a sunshine. Kind and gentle. Graceful and beautiful.

She was singing and dancing in the forest. Birds responded to the sound of her voice and flowers blossomed by her feet where she danced. Even some of her magical creature friends came out to play with her.

She giggled as she watched her Knarl, Porlock, and Fairy dance around her.

Though it all came to a halt when a cold breeze brushed past her. Her body shuddered at the sudden cold touch.

“How odd… Winter ended not too long ago, why is suddenly getting cold in the beginning of Spring,” she mumbled aloud. Her creature friends took note of this as well, huddling closer to her for warmth.

She gently hushed them and quickly made her way home where they could stay for a bit.

“Papa,” she called out as she walked inside. Her father popped his head out from the kitchen.

“Hello, baby girl. Is something wrong?” Kendrick can see the crease of worry in his daughter’s brows as her lips were pulled down in a small frown.

“I think there’s something wrong, Papa. The temperature outside seems to be getting colder for some reason… do you mind if Ash, Baron, and Lily stay here for awhile?” Kendrick cocked his head to the side upon hearing this. Of course he allowed the creatures to stay in their home.

It was the cold he was curious about.

Stepping outside with his daughter beside him, Kendrick let out a full body shiver. Gold eyes narrowed out of concern as he spotted dark snow clouds rapidly coming their way.

“This is no ordinary winter snow, baby girl. This has to be the work of a powerful Winter Sprite,” he informed as he quickly ushered his daughter inside again.

“Papa, there’s something different about this… it’s like I can feel loneliness and heartbreak mixed in with the magic,” Judith told her father. Kendrick rose a brow at this.

He always knew Judith was a sensitive soul, so to hear this was intriguing.

“I want to find the person behind this,” Judith said. Kendrick looked like he was ready to argue but stopped when his daughter hugged him.

“Please Papa. I promise I’ll be safe…” Kendrick frowned, slightly conflicted. He didn’t want his only child to get hurt, or worse, freeze at the hands of this Winter Sprite. But he know how determined his little girl was. She would probably sneak out on her own if he said no.

He let out a sigh.

“Fine. But you better stay safe, you hear?” The Spring Nymph nodded against her father’s chest before getting on her toes and placing a chaste kiss on his cheek.

“I will, Papa. I’ll be back soon…”

——————————

Talbott was trekking through the snow, watching his power cloak the world in ice and snow. The cold temperature didn’t faze him as it did the wild life around him. Magical creatures ran away from him to seek shelter from the bitter cold.

“Hey!” Talbott paused at the sound of a female voice calling out to him. He turned to see to a girl around his age.

Judging by her attire, she was a Spring Nymph. 

‘A beautiful one at that...’ the Young Winter Sprite thought with narrowed eyes. 

Still. 

Just because this girl was one of the most stunning creatures he ever seen, he can’t find it within himself to get close to her.

“What?” Judith blinked at the harshness in the Winter Sprite’s tone. One of the first things she noted was how handsome the boy was, ever with his glaring red eyes...

“Please Winter Sprite, cease this journey for eternal cold.” Talbott’s lips formed a sneer as he let out a hollow laugh at the sound of her plea.

“And why should I do that, little Spring Nymph? I was left alone! My mother died bringing me into this world and my father joined her just days prior. I have nothing but this ice in my heart! And this world will feel the same as I,” The Winter Sprite snarled, stepping menacingly towards her. 

Gold eyes widen at the ice flurry building in Talbott’s hand. Judith was quick to dodge his attack, wide eyes staring at the ice shard that now stood in her place. 

“I don’t want to hurt you. I want to help! You can come and live with me and my father,” she said slowly as she saw the Winter Sprite charging another attack.

“I don’t want your pity. And I don’t wish to hurt you either... but I will if you continue to stand in my way,” he replied smoothly. Which was true. He didn’t want to hurt her at all. 

Something about her felt right. Like if he were to be wrapped up in her arms and see her smile, he’d melt like an ice cube on a summer’s day. 

But he feared growing attached to her. People in his life will always leave. His fragile heart couldn’t take another hit if he let her in and she did the same.

“I can’t let you freeze the world,” the girl said, pulsing green energy came to life in the palm in her hand.

Talbott gave a cold smirk. 

“I would love to see you try to stop me, darling,” he chuckled.

And the battle begun.

------------------

“Come out, come out wherever you are, little Spring Nymph...” Judith could her the taunting sound of the Winter Sprite’s voice as she hid behind a tree. 

She has no idea how long they’ve been fighting but she could feel the exhaustion being to set in. 

Along with the biting cold surrounding her. 

Her magic helped kept her warm enough to handle the cold but with her spending energy in putting up shields and attacking, she began to numbing cold. She wasn’t sure how long she could keep this up. She would have to escape and try to fight another-

She gasped with she felt a cold hand on her shoulder and was swiftly turned around to meet red eyes.

“Found you,” Talbott purred. Talbott had no idea why he made his presence known to the Spring Nymph.

He could’ve just froze her on the spot without her trying to fight back. 

But he wanted to get closer for some reason.

He could smell the sweet fragrance coming from the flowers in her hair. Despite her shivering, he could still feel the gentle warmth radiating from her soft skin underneath his hand. Even with the panic in those pale gold eyes, they reminded him of the sun on a summer’s day. 

Radiant and warm.

Judith could feel a blush steadying rising in her cheeks as the Winter Sprite seemed to being studying her face. With him even closer now, she could see his handsome features up close. His ombre hair was slicked back to reveal the sharp features of his face. The intense glare of those red eyes reminded Judith of thorny red roses.

Beautiful but harmful if you’re not careful.

Not even the frown on lips can hide their fullness. Judith licked her lips out of nervousness, which grew worse when Talbott’s eyes zeroed in on her’s.

‘They look as soft as the petals in in her hair... maybe even softer...’ Talbott silently mused to himself as he unconsciously leaned closer. Judith’s eyes fluttered closed as the Winter Sprite got closer. Both unsure where this was going but eager for the possibility nonetheless.

She could feel the coolness of his lips brush against her warm ones when the Winter Sprite was blasted away from her.

“Judith!” She gasped when a pair of arms scoop her up bridal style and she was carried away. Judging by the familiar warmth, her Papa found her.

Peeking over the man’s broad shoulder, she could see the glare being sent their way by the Winter Sprite.

As well as the hand touching his lips...

-------------------

Talbott didn’t appreciate the sudden attack from the towering man who seemingly came out of nowhere, stealing the little Spring Nymph away. While he never saw the man’s face, judging by same locs and skin tone, that man could’ve been her father. 

Talbott couldn’t help but to rub his lips out of wonder.

He didn’t plan sharing the near kiss with the Spring Nymph, who he now knows goes by the name Judith. He acted out of impulse.

Something in him shattered with he caught the motion of her tongue wiping over her plump red lips. 

He only wanted a taste. A taste of what being with her could mean. 

He was no fool. He knew he couldn’t truly harm her like he threatened to do. Some small part of his frozen heart wouldn’t allow it. A small part that she thawed.

Despite his harshness towards her, she meant what she said. She didn’t want to hurt him. While he threw ice daggers and beams at her, she didn’t retaliate.

She mainly threw up shields to protect herself, aim her magic near him so the snow would engulf him or for her plants to grow in attempts to restrain him.

Talbott can see the kindness in her heart. After all, who offers their home to a stranger?

His hesitance to harm her and the almost kiss proved that he felt something towards her.

While he was still planning on cloaking the world in ice and snow, he was considering on making her his Queen.

He knew she felt the connection between them, she wouldn’t have gave into him so easily.

He would just have to find out how much...

Transforming into his Golden Eagle, he flew after the retreating pair.

[albertasunrise]

No More - Chapter 3

Summary: Frankie has been your best friend since you were in the 2nd grade. You were each other’s first’s, he, your first love and as you’d both gotten older you always somehow fell into bed together after one too many drinks with the boys. You don’t know how much longer you can keep this up but fate has other plans for you both and events are set in motion to decide for you.

Warnings: Angst, Vague description of Breastfeeding 

Pairings: Frankie/ Reader

~

Benny stays glued to the spot, looking at you in disbelief as the words you’d uttered swirl around inside his brain. Frankie was the father of your baby? How was that even possible? His mouth moved but no words fell from his lips. You didn’t even notice, just continued to stare at the tiny infant in front of you.

‘Would you like to hold her?’ Asks a nurse as she comes to stand beside you.

You don’t know what you want at that moment. A part of you wants to hold her and a part of you feels like you don’t deserve to. You’d lied to your best friend, to Frankie about who the father of the baby was and now he was fighting for his life whilst you got to sit here, fine and well, and fawn over your new daughter.

‘I don’t know.’ You answer, feeling yourself getting a little nervous ‘What if I hurt her?’

‘You won’t.’ She replies with a smile ‘She’s small but she’s healthy. You’ll be fine to take her home when you're discharged.’

‘But she’s early!’ You exclaim, a little panicked ‘Isn’t it dangerous.’

‘She’ll be fine I promise.’ She replies, giving your shoulder a small squeeze ‘It's perfectly natural to feel nervous. She's your first and she's premature so you're naturally going to feel like she's made of glass. You don’t have to hold her now. We can bring her to you later if you’d like.’

‘That would be nice.’ You reply, smiling at her before allowing yourself to look at Benny.

You knew you had some explaining to do. You just didn’t even know where to start or how to explain the decisions you'd made that had led you to conceal the fact that Frankie was the father of your baby from them all… but most importantly from Frankie. You're taken back to your room a short while later and are greeted by Will leaning against the wall outside your door, his expression all to easy to read. The nurse coming to a stop just outside the door to allow you to speak to your friend.

‘How you feeling sweet?’ He asks as he bends down to hug you.

‘A little sore.’ You reply, giving him a weak smile.

‘You seen Fish?’ Asks Ben.

‘Yeah.’ He replies plainly, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

‘How is he?’ You ask, your voice shaking a little.

‘He’s in a bad way.’ He replies, letting his head fall back against the wall ‘He’s hooked up to a vent. Tubes are coming out of him left right and centre and he’s black and blue. Doc said that his vitals are a little stronger so that's a positive.’

‘Stay with her. I’m gonna go see him.’

You flinch at Ben’s refusal to use your name and Will doesn’t miss the sudden shift in the atmosphere either. His eyes flit between you and his brother, noting that Ben won’t even look at you.

‘What’s happened?’ He asks, tilting his head to one side.

‘Noth-‘

‘Fish is her kid's father.’ Spat Ben, nodding at the nurse ‘She lied to all of us.’ He finished as he shuffled passed his brother and disappeared down the corridor.

The nurse pushes you back inside your room and helps you back into your bed, Will staring at you in shock the entire time as he processes what his brother told him. When the nurse leaves, he continues to stand there for a while and an awkward silence fills the air.

‘What the fuck does he mean Fish is the father?’ He finally pipes up and you allow the tears you were holding back to fall ‘How?’

‘We’ve been sleeping together for years.’ You state, noting Will's eyes growing wider ‘We always kinda ended up in each other's beds after too much drink. For him, it's just a release but I’ve been in love with him for as long as I can remember. I tried to end it so many times but he has this power over me.’

‘Fish was still with Emily when your baby was conceived.’ He states and you nod grimly ‘He uh… He turned up at my place asking why I’d blanked him at Bens find and why I'd not been hanging out with you guys and he ended up coming on to me. I wanted to stop it but… It killed me that he’d cheated with me and that's why I went MIA for a while.’

‘Why didn’t you tell him the baby was his?’

‘You heard him! He and Emily got a fucking abortion because he doesn’t want kids!’ You growl ‘After the movie night he confronted me about it. Asked me if it was his and told me if it was he’d want me to get rid of it.’

‘Hun-‘

‘It was just easier to keep it from him.’ You sob, wiping your eyes with the back of your hands ‘I wanted her so badly but he didn’t so…’

‘I need to tell you something but it didn’t come from me.’

You look at him quizzically, waiting for him to elaborate on his statement but you can see the internal struggle that is raging inside him, this was obviously not his secret to tell.

‘Fish was gutted that Emily wanted to get rid of the baby.’ He says and your stomach sinks ‘She was the one that wanted to get rid of it not him. He went along to keep her happy but ultimately that's what drove them apart in the end.’

Suddenly it all made sense. That night when he’d come to you, how he’d admired your pregnant form and worshipped it. When you thought back to that night you remembered how he'd been so careful of your bump but his lips had also paid it particularly close attention to it.

‘Why did she want to get rid of it?’

‘She said she didn't want it. She’d told him it was for the best. That with his history he wasn’t fit to be a dad anyway. It had killed him but he loved her and he thought she was right.’ He replied, sitting down in the chair beside your bed ‘When Ben told him about how you were happy and excited about becoming a mum he realised that she’d taken that chance away from him and well… You know the rest.’

‘That’s why he said it.’

‘Said what?’

‘The night he asked me if the baby was his.’ You clarify, tear-filled eyes locking with Will's ‘He told me that no child deserved to have a dad like him… That he’d be a shit dad. He thought that because that's what she told him.’

Will simply nodded and you couldn’t help but sob. Your heart split in two as you contemplated the possibility that he’d die never knowing that he had a daughter. Your thoughts were interrupted by a nurse wheeling in a clear plastic cot, your baby wriggling inside.

‘You think you’d like to hold her now?’ She asks sweetly, scooping the infant up into her arms ‘She’s quite hungry so perhaps we can try breastfeeding her.’

You hold out your arms and watch as she carries the tiny bundle over to you, laying her gently in your embrace before working to loosen your gown. Your eyes are fixed on your daughter. She was the image of him with her sun-kissed skin, dark brown eyes and brown hair and you feel your heart expand inside of you.

‘Here.’ Says the nurse as she helps you position the baby so she can latch on to your breast and you gasp as she starts to suckle ‘Hows that?’

‘Weird.’ You giggle, looking at Will who’s in awe of the spectacle unfolding before his eyes ‘It feels so strange but in the most amazing way.’

‘She’s gorgeous.’ Says Will sweetly, grinning at the tiny creature in your arms ‘She’s so freakin’ small though.’

‘Well, she is a month early.’ Says the nurse, chuckling at his words ‘But she’ll grow quick. She’s a lucky little girl.’

The nurse then brought your daughter to you several times a day to feed and you felt yourself getting closer and closer to her with each visit. She was already a verbal little thing, something she definitely didn’t get from Frankie and you sit there for hours having one-sided conversations with her as she gazes up at you with her expressive eyes. You’d not seen Ben in two days. Will had told you he’d not left Frankie’s side, only when he was kicked out and then he went home. Will spent a lot of time with you, keeping you up to date with Frankie’s condition and hoe Ben was coping with everything.

‘He’s been taken off the vent and they’re happy with his progress.’ Says Will as he rocks your daughter in his arms ‘You got a name for her yet?’

‘I kinda want Frankie to help me choose one.’ You reply.

‘So you’re going to tell him then.’

‘After what you told me the other day I can’t, not, tell him.’ You reply ‘I don’t expect anything from him but he deserves the choice to be involved in her life.'

‘Will! Fish’s awake!’ Exclaims Ben as he practically bursts through the door.

‘He is?’ You ask, practically beaming at the news.

‘Yeah.’ Ben pants ‘Docs just checking him over but he’s awake.’

The baby starts to cry and Ben notices that it's his brother who’s holding her. His eyes flit between you and Will as he stands and bounces her in his arms in an attempt to soothe her, her cries soon turning to small sniffs as she calms down. You noticed the way Ben’s watching her and you smile at him, his eyes comically wide. You remember his face when he'd seen her on the ultrasound screen. His reaction to hearing her heartbeat. When he'd learnt that she was a girl. He'd pleaded for copies of the pictures despite not being the father and it had made you all the more excited for her to arrive. So that he could meet her.

‘You wanna hold her?’ You ask and his head whips towards you.

‘Can I?’

You nod with a smile and he eagerly takes her from his brother, grinning down at her as she gazes up at him. He studies her for a moment before looking up at you again.

‘She really does look like him doesn’t she.’

You nod, letting out a small chuckle as you watch him practically dance with her around the room, his smile growing wider when her little hand reaches for him.

‘I’m going to tell him, Ben.’ You state ‘I realise now it was wrong of me to keep this from him. I don’t want anything from him. Just want to give him the option to be part of her life.’

‘He won’t want to let her go once he sees her.’ Says Ben softly as he looks up at you once again and beams ‘She’s literally perfect.’

‘Let’s just hope she doesn’t get Frank’s nose.’ Will jokes and you all erupt into laughter.

~

‘Thanks for picking up the carrier and stuff.’ You say as you hug Benny ‘Although none of the clothes I have for her are going to fit.’ You groan upon stumbling onto that realisation.

‘Got that covered.’ Replies Will, handing you a gift bag filled with babygrows for 8-month premie babies along with special nappies.

You can’t help the tears that come, practically throwing yourself and at him ‘Thank you so much.’

‘You ready?’ Asks Ben, motioning down the corridor with the carrier that contained a conked out infant.

‘Yeah.’ You reply, your nerves evident in your voice ‘I just hope he doesn’t hate me.’

You’d not seen Frankie since the accident. The boys had agreed to come with you when you told him about his daughter and despite the fact you had back up, you were still terrified of telling him. Ben carried the baby as Will walked beside you, keeping an eye on you as you were still a little wobbly on your feet. When you arrived in his room you were greeted by the warmest smile, those familiar brown eyes taking away the worry for a moment as you walk up beside him.

‘I’m so glad you and the kid are okay.’ He says, squeezing your hand as you take his in yours.

‘Yeah, we’re okay.’ You reply ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Like I’ve been in a car accident.’ He jokes, wincing a little from chuckling ‘Where’s the squirt?’

‘She’s right here.’ Says Ben as he carries her over, stopping beside you and placing the carrier on the chair at your side.

Frankie studies her, smiling as he watches her wriggle and yawn before opening her eyes and staring at him. He sucks in a gasp as he locks her gaze, a single tear escaping from the corner of his eye as they just watch each other. You watch them for what feels like an eternity. The way she looks at him, it's like she knows that she's a part of him and you can't help but smile at that thought.

‘She’s…’ He pauses, finally braking her gaze to look at you ‘She’s mine isn't she?’

You simply nod, your heart racing in your chest as you wait for the inevitable onslaught of angry words that he was about to throw at you but they never come. Instead, you watch him sob as he returns his gaze to his daughter, smiling at her through his tears as he opens his mouth to speak again.

‘Can I-‘ He hiccups as he tries to calm himself ‘Can I hold her?’ The look in his eyes is one you'd never expected.

It's a mixture of confusion, shock and what you swear is pure, unadulterated love and you feel all the worry and terror you'd felt about telling him disappear like a puff of smoke on a windy day.

‘Yes! Yes of course you can Frankie.’ You say as you turn towards her and unbuckle her from her carrier, hushing her as she whines a little from being moved so suddenly.

She immediately settles the moment she’s in his arms letting out a big, gummy, yawn before falling asleep. He doesn’t speak for a while he just watches her sleep, chuckling when she twitches or squeaks and he wonders what she’s dreaming about. Wonders if she knows he’s her father.

‘She’s perfect.’ He says finally, still looking at her ‘What’s her name?’

‘I wanted to name her together.’ You state and he looks up at you in shock ‘If you want to that is.’

‘Yeah!! I uh... I’d like that.’

‘We’re going to give you two a little privacy.’ States Will as he smiles at you both ‘We’ll see if we can find some decent coffee.’

You watch the brothers leave before returning your attention to Frankie who’s gently rocking his baby girl in his arms, humming a tune you recognise from when you were kids. A tune that his mum had hummed to you on the day you'd found out your parents had died and you cried yourself raw in her arms, rocking you gently until you'd finally succumbed to exhaustion.

‘Frankie I’m sorry I lied. I-‘

‘It doesn’t matter now.’ He interrupts, beaming down at the tiny bundle in his arms ‘All that matters is that she’s perfect and she’s ours.’

‘I don’t expect anything from you.’ You state and that elicits a confused look from him ‘You can be as involved as you want. I don’t expect money or-.’

‘You don’t want to raise her together?’ He gives you a bemused look.

‘Well of course I do but she’s going to need to stay with me mainly for a while. Then we can look at her staying with you. Take it in turns to have her weekends or whatever.‘

‘I mean us being together. Raising her as a family.’ He clarifies and your a little shocked by his proposition.

Of course, you want nothing more than to raise her with him. To wake up to him every morning. To take it in turns doing night feedings and to watch her grow, but you know he doesn't love you and so you know it can never be. That it'll never work and so you have to push the idea from your mind. You need to be realistic.

‘Frankie… I get what you’re trying to do but I don’t want you to be with me just because we have a baby together.’ You state ‘We can’t play pretend. We’ll make each other miserable and that’s not fair on her.’

He wants to tell you that it wouldn’t be pretend. That he loves you and always has but he knows he's a little late now. That you’ll only believe actions now. His words will mean nothing. He's decided not to commit. Decided to walk out on the one thing he had that kept him grounded and so he knew that he had work to do. He had to prove his love. Instead of pushing it, he returns his attention to the thing he’d never realised he’d wanted. Or needed.

‘What about Emma?’ He pipes up, changing the subject completely.

‘Hmm?’

‘The name Emma... For her.’ He clarifies as he motions to the sleeping baby in his arms.

‘Emma.’ You test it on your tongue ‘I like it.’ You reply as you stand beside him and gaze down at the tiny thing you’d both created ‘She looks like an Emma.’

‘Yeah.’ He pauses as he looks up at you, something in his eyes making you weak at the knees ‘, Yeah she does.’

~

Chapter 4

[pixie88]

Last Night of Freedom

Chapter 12 - Together - Adam & Ellie.

A/N: This chapter I wrote at 2 AM this morning my little one had a bad night but I’m glad I wrote this. I hope it makes sense I hope I got all the mistake. I didn’t plan this chapter it just kinda happened. There are quite a few of my own stories in this chapter but I won’t give away what! I hope you laugh as much as I did! I hope you like it! 😘

I am only tagging those who have asked to be tagged in this series from now on as I don’t want to annoying people with tags. So Let me know if you would like to be tagged or untagged and if I missed anyone sorry just let me know!  

Find previous chapters HERE under Together - Adam & Ellie.

Word count: 1676

WARNINGS: ⚠️ Fluffy fluff, Talk of male and female body parts & Mild NSFW

Pairings: Adam x Ellie.

Enjoy!

3 Months later.

I found my wedding dress, now I know what brides mean when they say once they find THE DRESS they know! You really do know! It's now 5 months before the wedding, and we decided to do the Hen and Stag do's now because Nina can't take anymore holiday off until the wedding.

We pull up to mum's club, Nina, Elaine, Amy and Kerry have already gone through 4 bottles of Prosecco in the limo ride over here, but we did get stuck in traffic thanks to road works.

"Ready for your last night of freedom El's?" Tom asks.

"Why do people say that? It's not like once you're married you're locked away forever, never to be seen again?"

"OK, I was just asking!" he pulls an awkward face.

I shove him "I know, I'm messing with ya! Looks like we are here finally"

We pile out of the limo and into mum's club "Ellie!! Ready for your big night?"

I roll my eye "Yeah, because I always wanted L plates on my chest and in my hair!"

"Don't forget the tutu and feather boa, El's" Tom laughs.

"Right, because how could I forget them, they are bright pink!" I laugh.

"I really don't get the whole L plate thing? She knows how to drive I thought?" Elaine looks confused.

"Well, she must do she's already taken Adam out for a test drive!" Amy winks.

"Oi, you! Stop it! I won't have my husband spoken about like that!" I giggle.

"Who wants cocktails?" Mum asks.

"Mum, Nina loves a blue lagoon. Don't you Nina?"

She gags but laughs.

"El's you choose!" Mum says.

"Nah, I can't drink too much I've only expressed enough for 3 days..."

"Argh, El's can we not talk about your tits please" Tom protests.

I laugh, "Mum, make these guys anything I'll just stick with soft drinks and a couple of Prosecco's"

~*~*~*~

Yup that didn't go to plan.....I'm currently struggling to get a jelly shot out of plastic shot glass and I have Nina shouting "SUCK IT" at me...that's not something you hear your mother in-law shout at you everyday.

I finally got it out "I did it!" I shout!

"El's, here!" Tom passes me something green in a shot glass.

"Tom, I can't..."

"Oh, come on El's 1 more! It's only Apple Sourz. We all have one!" Tom pleads.

"Actually, I think I'm with Ellie on this one" Elaine says. So, Tom reaches to take the shot glass off her, but she turns away, so he can't as she takes tiny sips.

I laugh, "Fine! But no more after this!"

He winks "Pinky promise," he hands one to Nina who has just come back from the toilets.

"Ewww, who got Hulk to piss in a cup!" Nina looks at the shot glass in horror!

We knock back the Sourz "Oh, that was actually quite nice! Can I get a pint of that?" Nina asks.

A little while later I'm at the bar with Elaine, "How do you feel about having the same penis forever?"

I choke on my water "Excuse me? Elaine you did not just say that!"

"I..."

I feel a tap on my shoulder I turn expecting to see one of the other Hen's but I'm greeted by a man with jet black hair and a toothy smile "Last night of freedom ay? Your husband to be is a lucky man. Can I buy you a drink?" he winks as he looks me up and down.

I roll my eyes! There's that saying AGAIN! "Actually, no I'm already married and no I wouldn't like a drink thank you and also you aren't my Adam, so I will not be wasting my last night of freedom with anyone other than my Adam thank you" I usher Elaine away and we join Nina and Mum

"The nerve of that guy" Elaine hisses "Anyway Ellie...hiccup you didn't answer my question!"

"Huh?" I ask her.

"How do you feel about having the same penis forever?" she asks.

"MUM!!!" a tipsy Nina laughs "She clearly enjoys my Adam's pen...."

"OK!! Can we stop talking about my husbands genitals, please?!" I shout.

"Genitals? Who's talking about genitals and why wasn't I invited to this conversation?" Tom asks as he joins us.

"No one was!" I hiss.

"Well, actually we were talking about Adam's..." Nina laughs.

"Argh, OK maybe I don't want to be a part of this conversation" Tom says. 

"Well, El's you were the one that brought up the word genitals.." Mum chimes.

"Yes, because I didn't want to say the word..."

"Penis?!" Elaine cuts me off.

Tom Howls.

"Yes!" I shook my head.

"So, Ellie...." Elaine says.

I give in and answer her question "Yes, Ellie I would like to have Adam's same penis forever!"

"Well, it's clear you enjoy it! Mel and I have seen and heard proof of it" Nina laughs.

"She sits on it enough" Tom jokes.

"Yeah, and you aren't the only ones that have heard and seen it!" Elaine chips in.

I look at her in shock "What? When?"

She blushes as she takes a sip of her drink "It was just after you moved in together...you hadn't got the curtains for the living room yet. I was upstairs in my bedroom about to close my curtains..well, obviously you guys are opposite and you did have that hedge but I could see into your living room from there. Adam was in his boxers dancing on your lap I turned away as soon as I realized what he was doing. I phoned him to tell him that you two could be seen. He answered, but I think he did it by mistakes as all I heard was moaning. I think you may have given the whole street a show"

Oh god that was the night he gave me a strip tease,and we burst one of the blow up sofas.

"Oh, El's you exhibitionist!" Tom chuckles.

"I'm not! I didn't know!" I hiss at him.

"Nothing wrong with being an exhibitionist. The times me and your dad got caught in Bella!" she laughs.

"Wait...Bella? My car Bella?" I ask, hoping she means a different Bella.

She laughs, "El's, she was your dad's car first! We did clean the seats, bonnet and the boot. Like you haven't done it in that car!"

I gag at the thought of my parents having sex in my car "No! Actually, I haven't"

"But you and Adam christened your new car!" Tom winks.

"TOM!" I shoot at him.

"What? You never said I had to keep it a secret!" he laughs.

"I remember Al and I getting caught once. It was on his Nan's sofa, they came back from their holiday early. We were living with them at the time I think I fell pregnant with Adam on that sofa...Not that time, another" Nina tells us.

I look to Tom for help "El's lets go and see Amy and Kerry," he pulls me with him.

"Thank you!" I kiss his cheek.

"That's what big brothers are for," he smiles.

~*~*~*

It's nearly 2:30 AM when I sneak in, I get to the top of the stairs and our bedroom light is on. I quietly open the door just incase Adam has Charlie in there.

When I get through the door, it's just Adam with the TV on, he smiles when he spots me "There's my beautiful already wife! Did you have a good night?"

"What are you still doing up?" I ask.

"I can't sleep without you," he winks.

I flop on to the bed "Aww, you fluff ball. Has Charlie been OK?" I ask.

"As good as gold! He went down in his cot at 7 PM and woke for a feed at 11 PM" he smirks.

"I have a confession to make" I give him my best pout.

He smirks " What have you done?"

I bite my lip "I kinda had more to drink than I planned too"

He chuckles "Is that it?"

"I wasn't supposed to have that much, but then there were shots and jelly shots and your mum was shouting at me to suck it..."

He looks confused "Wait? What?" he's laughing.

"I couldn't get the jelly shot out the plastic shot glass so she started shouting suck it at me" I laugh.

"God! What else happened?" he asks.

"Nan kept asking how I felt about having the same penis forever, then I found out my parents christened every part of Bella and did you know you were conceived on your dad's parents' sofa? Wait, that's not the best part Nan saw your strip tease and heard the after show. Also, some guy tried to buy me a drink but I told him I only wanted my Adam"

He looks half shocked and half amused "First question first what was your answer?"

"To the penis question? Yes, I am very happy to only have yours" I blush.

"Second question, how did parent sex even come up?" he asks.

"This was after Nan had explained she saw us from her bedroom window after we moved, then you pressed accept instead of decline when she phoned you and she heard us"

"Last question, your Adam?" he smirks as he pulls me on top of him, so I'm straddling him.

"Yes, my Adam" I wink "I bet on your stag do, you'll have all the girls falling at your feet"

He chuckles "They can fall all they want there is only one woman that gets my heart racing and my dick pulsing! She is the mother to my child, my beautiful wife and my sassenach!" he smirks.

Pulling me tightly to him, claiming my lips before rolling us, so he's on top "Adam, Charlie will wake up soon!" I giggle as he trails kisses from my lips to my chest.

"We better be quick then," he whispers against my inner thigh.

"Fuck!"

@lem-20​ @aussieez​ @shewillreadyou​ @khoicesbyk​ @txemrn ​ @irisofpurple​

He pulls down my skirt with my underwear and continue his trail up to my core...

Continue reading this story here - Chapter 13.

[elizabeethan]

You Are Bloody Brilliant

Part 4/6 of my Season 3 canon divergence series, It’s About Bloody Time

Catch up on tumblr or AO3

Summary: “Good morning, baby,” Emma hears through the haze of sleep that is still clinging to her mind. She nearly cringes at the random use of the horrible pet name as she feels a hand softly grazing over the skin of her stomach. “Happy birthday.” Her sleepy confusion grows as she thinks Killian has forgotten that her birthday’s just passed. “You were conceived ten weeks ago, today,” she hears through a small chuckle. “One of the best nights of my life, perhaps, but I won’t soil your innocent mind with any more details.”

A/N: It’s early! This story will be coming to a close soon! I’ll add 2 more parts, but I also don’t think I can resist writing dad!killian so it’s entirely possible that i’ll add a few one shots along the way. Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, reblogged, and commented on this so far. The feedback I have gotten has been so kind and it’s what’s encouraging me to finish this story!

I don't have a beta so... sorry

“Good morning, baby,” Emma hears through the haze of sleep that is still clinging to her mind. She nearly cringes at the random use of the horrible pet name as she feels a hand softly grazing over the skin of her stomach. “Happy birthday.” Her sleepy confusion grows as she thinks Killian has forgotten that her birthday’s just passed. “You were conceived ten weeks ago, today,” she hears through a small chuckle. “One of the best nights of my life, perhaps, but I won’t soil your innocent mind with any more details.” Once her post-sleep brain fog clears up a bit, it’s apparent that Killian is talking to the baby this morning, softly giving the little guy an update on their development.

“You're the size of a prune, which I don’t believe I’ve ever tried before.” His hand moves away. “You've been growing all of your vital organs. And you're starting to look more and more like a little human now that you're developing knees and elbows.” His hand returns for a moment, circling briefly and leaving again. “Your mum should be starting to feel a bit better soon, but you're still sending her to the toilet to be sick every few hours, aren’t you, love?” she smiles, opening her eyes to see his head resting on her hip as he holds his new phone, the sun streaming through the salt-watered windows and making his eyes shine. “She’s also still very sleepy, but growing you is hard work. I think she’s doing phenomenally. She’s been complaining of heartburn a lot, which I didn’t know had a name, and she also might have some headaches.” he says, his voice still low as he presses a soft kiss to her low belly. “You are a troublemaker, aren’t you?”

Emma can’t believe that she’s falling for the most perfect man on the planet. Who knew that when she left him on that beanstalk, she would end up here, willingly sleeping on his ship and happily pregnant with his child?

“Ah, did you say good morning to your mummy, little one?” She chuckles softly now, slowly closing her eyes again as he presses another kiss to her belly and slides a hand up to pull her shirt back down. “Good morning, Swan.”

“Morning,” she grumbles out, pulling a pillow from next to her over her eyes. “What time is it?”

“According to the clock on my talking phone, it’s 7:23.”

“It’s just called a phone.” Her voice is still thick with sleep, but she can’t help but to smile at his inexperience with modern technology.

“That’s an impractical name. It’s used for talking.”

“You just used it to tell my baby that he’s the size of a wrinkly old prune,” she deadpans, eyes still closed.

“Just giving him the facts, love. I believe you would call it science.”

She smiles again before rolling over on her stomach, but as soon as she does, the motion jars her. Staying on the ship with him is a good idea in theory, but in practice, it hasn’t been helping with her nausea.

She groans as she moves to stand, grabbing onto his hand briefly to steady herself as she stumbles through the room to the basin. He’s behind her in a moment, his hand holding her hair and his blunt arm running up and down her back.

Once she’s finished and her face is wiped clean, he hands her a glass of water and a few crackers, their routine finally solidified. She’s even taken to keeping a toothbrush in his desk, which he also hands her.

“Ugh,” she starts after she finishes brushing her teeth. “I love this boat, but it’s not helping the morning sickness. Or afternoon or night sickness.”

“Boat,” he scoffs, rolling her eyes as she pops a Saltine in her mouth and chases it with water. He walks her back to the small bunk and sits her down, kissing her forehead before planting himself next to her. “We’ll have to work something else out, aye love?”

She nods. “I always sleep so well here, but I guess I can’t handle the waves.” It’s true that she’s been sleeping better when she sleeps with him, so each time Henry spends the night at Regina’s, Emma spends the night with Killian.

“Tragic,” he says, his arm sliding around her waist. “Though the applications say you should be starting to feel better soon.”

“Apps.”

“Either way. I suppose now is as good a time as any to show you what I’ve been working on.”

She brings her brows together and looks up to him, seeing his bright eyes shimmering back down at her. “What have you been working on?”

“Perhaps I’ll show you tonight after work.” Emma groans at the concept of going to the station, leaning her head onto his shoulder as he chuckles and holds her slightly tighter and presses a kiss to the top of her head. “I wouldn’t argue if you chose to stay home today, though.”

His use of the word home makes her grin against his shoulder. They haven’t spoken much at all about what they’re doing here, but it almost feels like they don’t have to. He was right when he said not much needed to change between them— aside from the whole baby thing. She supposes that now she doesn’t have to sneak out, and Mary Margaret blessedly doesn’t assume she’s sneaking off to meet her ex.

If anything, she’s been feeling more secure in whatever it is that they share. Something shifted three weeks ago once they saw the little life they created. She’s heard that it’s difficult for dads to feel the full impact of fatherhood before the baby’s born, and if Killian becomes any better of a father than he has been so far, she might not survive the process of raising this kid with him.

This pregnancy is different from her last. She assumes it’s because of the changes her body has gone through over the last 12 years— she was practically a child herself the last time she was pregnant. This time around, she’s noticed that her morning (and afternoon, and evening) sickness is far more severe, as is her fatigue and breast tenderness.

She’s also recently become horny as hell.

For the last few weeks, she hasn’t really felt in the mood for sex because of how sick she’s been, but the nausea has started to fade a bit, giving way to arousal a few days ago when she watched Killian happily research the best apps for tracking gestation and fetal development. It’s the little things, she supposes.

She’s still frustrated from their date night, when she solicited him for sex and then promptly fell asleep, but damn if that wasn’t the best date she’s ever been on.

“Maybe I can stay for a little while longer,” she says softly, pressing her nose into his neck just below his ear. Her favorite part about waking up to him is the fact that he doesn’t wear a shirt to bed, giving her as much access to his fair and tattered skin as she could possibly desire.

“That so?” he asks, the shift in his tone evident. She nods against his neck and nips at his ear lobe. “Are you sure it’s… safe?”

“It’s not like I can get pregnant again,” she says, laughing lightly as her hand runs up his scarred back.

“I meant for the baby, love. Is it… I mean…”

“You're not gonna hurt him, Killian. The female body takes precautions to make sure of that.”

He nods softly, turning his head to press a gentle kiss to her temple. “Are you sure you're in the mood, love? I don’t want you to feel pressured; I know you’ve been feeling sick.”

“Didn’t you read about increased blood flow leading to excessive desire during pregnancy?”

“Aye,” he chuckles darkly. “Although I wasn’t sure if that was something you were experiencing.”

“Trust me, it is.”

He breathes out in a huff before moving quickly to capture her lips between his, his tongue sliding over her bottom lip before she allows him in. His right hand slides up her side again, this time reaching a swollen and tender breast under her shirt, and she hisses slightly.

“Sorry,” he murmurs against her mouth. “It’s okay, it feels good, just sore.”

He nods, sliding his thumb over her nipple and kissing her again before whispering, “I’ll be gentle with you.”

She sighs at the feeling of his skin against hers, reveling in the sensation of being so sensitive to his touch. She’s barely holding it together just from his hand on her breast, so she can only imagine what sex will be like.

When she’s lying down all the way, her back against the pillows and his body nestled atop hers, he stops briefly so that he can back away and pull her t-shirt off, leaving her in only a pair a pink cotton underwear. His breath catches in his throat when he looks down at her, and she can only imagine the thoughts running through his mind at the sight of her suddenly massive boobs.

“Gods,” he mumbles, his eyes finally meeting hers. “You are the most beautiful goddess of a woman I’ve ever had the privilege of laying eyes on.”

She’s blushing immediately, and not just because of how turned on he’s made her. “You're just saying that because I’m pregnant with your kid,” she jokes lightly.

“Aye, but it was true before that, and it’ll be true once he’s born.”

“Could be a she.”

“Either way, I’m the luckiest man alive.”

She can’t take it anymore, she’s liable to start crying if he doesn’t stop with his sappy romantic words (or if he doesn’t get inside her). So, she reaches up and wraps her hands around his neck, pulling him to her so that she can kiss him with ferocity, their tongues dancing together and their lips becoming swollen.

He starts kissing his way down her jaw, her neck, her chest, until he reaches her left breast and starts swirling his tongue around the nipple, making her moan loudly and embarrassingly. She feels the smug bastard smirk against her skin, and she knows that her excessive horniness is not doing anything to tone down his excessive ego.

He releases her nipple with a soft pop and works his way further south, kissing her through her underwear as he scrapes his nails up and down her inner thigh, driving her insane. She’s close to shouting at him to get on with it before she feels him tugging the garment over her ass and down her legs, discarding them on the floor beneath the bed.

Once she’s bare before him, he spreads her at the knees and licks a long strip along her center that causes her to moan much louder than she anticipated, and she knows for sure that she won’t last long. He’s probably grinning as he sucks and licks and kisses at her clit, swirling his tongue so expertly that she thinks she might burst. Once his finger slides in, followed closely by a second, he curls them against her as he continues his work against her clit, and it’s mere moments before she a whimpering mess. She clenches hard against his fingers, her entire body seizing up as she rides out the most intense orgasm she thinks she’s ever had. Although, she seems to think that exact thing almost every time she and Killian are together.

His fingers barely stop stroking inside her as he somehow shimmies his way out of his boxers, the very ones he modeled for her last week when he finally made the switch to modern undergarments. He’s up at her level and kissing her, knowing exactly where she needs him before she can even think about it herself. As he lines himself up against her, he continues kissing her and eventually moves his lips down to her favorite spot below her ear, sucking and nipping and licking the sensitive skin. God has she missed having sex with him.

“Fuck,” he breathes out against her skin as he finally slides into her. She herself is moaning and whimpering at the feeling of being stretched by him. It’s slightly uncomfortable and a bit tender, but she’s able to quickly and easily push those thoughts from her mind when she feels him slide out minutely and back in. “Bloody fucking goddess, you are.”

“Jesus,” she says, throwing her head back into the pillows. “Fuck me.”

“It’s Killian,” he corrects.

She nearly has time to roll her eyes but loses interest in doing so when he begins thrusting harder into her, his hand holding hers above her head as her mouth hangs open in a silent scream of pleasure. He’s propped up on his left elbow, just barely hovering over her face, so she leans up and kisses him as he fucks her to oblivion.

She’s an absolute moaning mess after just a few minutes, and she can’t honestly believe how quickly he’s bringing her to this point. He’s always been great at what he does, but having sex with Killian while she’s pregnant and horny may be the most incredible feeling in the world.

“Killian,” she whimpers, and he lets go of her hands so she can bring one down around his shoulder and dig her nails into his skin and the other to her clit, her heels pressing into his ass to push him deeper. “Don’t stop. Killian, please don’t stop.”

He shakes his head against her neck, sucking on her skin again. “I won’t angel. Come for me, Emma.”

It’s as if that was all she needed, his words pulling a trigger that sets off the explosion throughout her body. She’s seeing stars as she comes with force, squeezing every part of her around him and potentially adding to the scars on his back. She buries her face in the spot where his neck meets his shoulder and bites into his skin, then releases as she lets out a shout. He’s toppling over the edge right after her, grabbing her hand and clutching it in his as he whispers curses and dirty words and loving little statements into her ear.

“Fuck,” she finally mutters once she’s caught her breath. “Morning sex is fantastic, but now I’m ready to go back to bed.”

He laughs against her skin, lifting his body off of hers, and she mourns the loss of his warm weight. “You may have time for a short nap, love, it’s not yet 8:00.”

“Guess it didn’t take too long, huh? I told you I was horny.”

“I’m not complaining, darling,” he assures her as he hands her a cloth and steps away to clean himself.

“Are you still coming tonight?” she asks once she’s cleaned up and lying comfortably in bed.

He sits on the edge of the bed next to her, running his fingers softly against her brow bone as he often enjoys doing. “Of course I am.”

“I’m nervous,” she admits.

“To see your own parents?”

She shrugs, nosing at his palm. “I just get the feeling that my mom is still… I don’t know, unhappy about this whole thing.”

He sighs and moves her over slightly before lying down next to her and kissing the tip of her nose. “Because it was unplanned?”

“Unplanned is the understatement of the year, Hook.” He breathes out a light laugh and nudges her cheek with his nose, urging her to go on. “My mom expected me to get back with Neal. It’s hard for her to see that that isn’t happening, no matter how happy I am.”

“You're happy, darling?” she nods and smiles at him. “Good. I’m just confused about why she wants you to be with him so badly after all he’s put you through.”

She falters slightly, cringing. “Well…”

“Swan, your parents know what happened, don’t they?” She shrugs, shaking her head. “Well that explains things, love. All this time I was racking my brains over why on earth they would want you to be with him, although I suppose I am rather biased. But now it makes sense.”

“I guess so.”

“Why haven’t you told them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Emma,” he starts, leaning up slightly and running his hand along her jaw. “You can tell me anything, love.”

“I’m just,” she sighs. “It’s embarrassing. He completely screwed me over and I was so young and stupid. I still can’t believe I let him get me like that.”

“You were a child, love. No one would expect you to have known any better.”

“Still. I spent my whole life not… not needing them. I turned out okay after everything. And I don’t want them to know—or I guess I'm scared for them to know—that maybe in that moment, I did need them.” He nods. “I don’t want them to feel guilty for what they did because I know that they did what they thought they had to do, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering how different, how much better my life would have been, if…” she sighs, words falling flat.

“Aye love,” he sighs after a moment, kissing her nose again. “But think of what you gained. If that hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t have Henry.”

“Yeah,” she breathes out, snuggling into his chest and fighting off tears.

“I understand that it’s scary and you don’t want them to know, darling, but it might make things easier for you if they did. You can wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of your life, but it won’t change anything, trust me.”

“I do.” He grins at her, kissing her lips softly, briefly, before pulling away.

“I'm sorry to make you talk of such disconsolate things so early, Swan. I didn’t mean to push you.”

“You didn’t, it’s okay. I know you're right. It’ll just be difficult to get my shit together enough to actually talk to them.”

He nods again, kissing her once more before he moves to get out of bed. “Would you like to nap before work, my darling? I’ll wake you at 8:30.”

She grins now, sighing as she snuggles into the blankets and drifts into a quick and dreamless sleep.

~~~~

When she finally gets to the station, a little late because, try as he might, Killian simply could not get her ass out of bed, her father is waiting for her. He’s taken over patrols for her over the last few weeks, mostly because she couldn’t go an hour without a trash can or toilet within arm’s reach, but she thinks it’s also a protective-dad thing. As much as she hates the idea of someone doting over her or thinking she can’t do her job because of her pregnancy, she doesn’t mind the idea of her father doting over her. It’s still something that she’s getting used to, and just another example of how different this pregnancy is from her last.

“Hi hon,” he says as she sits down.

“Hey,” she says back, taking a deep breath and nearly falling back to sleep on the spot.

“Feeling okay?”

She almost smirks at the knowledge that one of her pregnancy symptoms has been sated for the time being, and nods. “A little better today, actually. I was only sick once this morning.”

He grimaces, an unpleasant sound leaving his lips. “The fact that you’re sleeping on a boat can’t be helping matters.”

“Don’t let Killian hear you call it that.”

“Don’t let him hear you call his boat an it,” David laughs. She smiles too, reaching towards her computer mouse and jiggling it until the screen comes on. “Elsa might come by today, to look at some town records.”

Emma nods at that, excited to have something other than phone calls and paperwork to do today. “Sounds good.”

“Your mother is very excited for tonight. Wants to know if you have any special requests.”

She purses her lips in thought before answering, “I’ve been really craving steak lately. And onions.”

“Steak and onions,” he says, nodding then rolling his eyes with a laugh. “I’m sure she can figure out a steak recipe. She won’t make it for me, so I’ll just guilt her into making it for her pregnant daughter.”

She smiles briefly before letting it fade as she turns her attention back to her screen.

“She is excited, you know. For the baby.”

Emma nearly rolls her eyes, letting out a sigh as she turns back to her father. “Just not for the baby’s father,” she replies, and it’s not a question.

“It’s a lot for her to take in. She thought for the longest time that you were with Neal.”

“And I’m not, I haven’t been for 12 years. I just wish she could see that I’m happy where I am.”

“I know, hon. Just—go easy on her. She’s used to true love and love at first sight and all that. She was raised differently from how you were in this world.”

“Trust me, I’m very aware of how differently the two of us were raised,” Emma snaps, immediately regretting her snarky comment. “Shit,” she mutters. “I’m sorry, that came out sounding a lot more hostile than I intended.”

“No, you're right.” He stands from his desk, making his way to hers and pulling up a chair so that they're sitting close together. “I know that it wasn’t easy for you growing up here. And I often kick myself wondering how different things would be for you if we had been here, or if you had been able to stay. What we did they day you were born… I still have nightmares about it.”

“You do?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Hell, I carried my newborn through a hoard of Black Knights and sent her away through a magic wardrobe for 28 years. I don’t know if I can ever come back from that as a parent.”

She frowns at him. “You did what you thought you had to do, to give me my best chance.”

“Just like you did with Henry. And look at the two of you now,” he says with a smile, although she can feel the grip that her guilt has on her heart tightening. “Raising a baby from the start is gonna be so different.”

“Yeah,” she nearly whispers, her eyes stinging and her throat burning as she holds back tears. She knows what he means, and knows that he means well, but she can’t stop the feelings of guilt and regret from flooding her entire being. How can she raise this new baby after what she did to Henry? After she subjected him to being raised by the literal Evil Queen?

How can she tell him?

“Anyway,” her father mercifully continues, standing from his chair and stepping back towards his desk. “I’d better be off. Patrol isn’t gonna do itself.”

She smiles as he leaves the room, letting it fade immediately as she ponders her regret. Before she knows it, the tears she was barely holding back are free falling down her face as she thinks about what this new baby will mean to Henry.

~~~~

Emma has every intention of telling her parents about her past with Neal at dinner, and Killian couldn’t be more encouraging. When she got back to his ship and told him, his face nearly split in two as he smiled at her. Then he told her that he was proud of her.

But when they arrive at her parents’ loft for dinner, Henry’s there, and suddenly her plans fly out the window. She’s just lucky that her mother didn’t invite Neal or Regina, too.

It’s not that she isn’t elated to see her son, who’s been spending a few more nights a week with Regina. It’s just that she knows that she can’t have this conversation in front of him. She also can’t freely display any pregnancy symptoms for fear of him somehow putting the pieces together.

Once they're sitting down for dinner, she smells the steak her mother has cooked, and her mouth begins watering.

“You requested this, love?” Kilian asks, squeezing her knee under the table.

“Mhmm,” she nods at him, giving him a soft smile.

“It smells delicious, Your Majesty.”

“Thank you,” Mary Margaret says with a strained smile. She places the salad and dressing on the table before stepping away and returning with a bowl of mashed potatoes. Killian serves everyone some salad, then offers her the Italian dressing and she nearly starts dry heaving, shaking her head and reaching for lemon pepper instead.

“So,” Henry says as he starts cutting into his steak. “Are you dating my mom?”

Killian chokes a bit on his Merlot, placing the glass down graciously and patting his mouth with his napkin. “Uh,” he starts, looking over to Emma for relief. She shrugs. “I, um, well I suppose I’m courting her.”

Henry nods pensively, stabbing into his salad and taking a huge bite. “Does courting mean dating?”

Emma smirks at the fact that he will not give this up, and glances over to Killian. “Yeah, kid. It does.”

“So, you're not dating my dad?” It’s Emma’s turn to choke on her drink, trying hard to swallow the water left in her mouth. She shakes her head no, unsure if she can trust her voice. “I figured. You haven’t been coming to dinner lately.”

“Henry, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you. And I still have love for him because he gave me you. But your dad and I… we just don’t work anymore.”

“He said he wants to date you, but it’s your decision.” Mother fucker filling her son’s head with bullshit, putting it on her.“But you don’t want to date him.”

“I don’t, kid.” She figures honesty is the best policy.

He nods again, shoveling a large helping of mashed potatoes into his mouth as Kilian reaches down and squeezes her knee again. Her heart is racing, and her palms are sweating at her son’s interrogation.

“That’s okay,” he finally says around his potatoes. “I could tell Captain Hook liked you and you like him.”

“You could?” she asks, smiling slightly.

“He’s not really keeping it a secret,” he deadpans, and Killian laughs along with Emma. David smiles and Mary Margaret might possibly loosen up, a little. (Maybe the wine is helping on that front, too.)

As they finish dinner and move on to dessert—chocolate ice cream, at Emma’s request and Henry’s fierce approval— she continues to ponder her son’s maturity. How can a 12-year-old who’s been through so much be so easy going? She at first thinks she just got lucky, but then she realizes that she played no role in raising him. As much as it pains her to admit, a large part of his attitude is courtesy of Regina’s upbringing of him.

Guilt settles over her again as she thinks about the decision she made 12 years ago. She knew at the time that it was the right thing to do. There was no way she would have been fit to be his mother when she got out of jail. She had no money, no home, and hardly any means to take care of herself, never mind an infant. But there’s a part of her that will always regret giving him up, that part made especially large when she saw the emotional torment he went through for much of his short life.

Knowing what he’s been through with Regina, knowing that she herself played a very heavy hand in putting him in that situation, makes her stomach twist. But knowing that she now has a second baby on the way, one whom she intends to raise with its father when she didn’t do the same for her first, makes her positively nauseous, and she wonders if she’ll have to excuse herself for the restroom before dessert is over.

After they drop Henry off at Regina’s house, they switch places and Killian drives Emma to the pier, slowly and carefully. He’s been doing amazingly well at driving, and she’s surprised by how much he’s been able to pick up in a few short weeks.

Once they arrive, he puts the car in park but doesn’t kill the engine, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning his body towards her.

“Alright, love?”

She shrugs as tears immediately fill her eyes, her throat burning again as her chest feels tight.

“I couldn’t tell them with Henry there,” she practically whimpers, her voice sounding completely pathetic.

“I know, Swan. It’s alright.”

She finds herself struggling to look him in the eyes, so she focuses on the horizon and the boats sitting along it. “I just…” she can’t finish her thought, shrugging again and letting her body deflate into the passenger seat.

“Something else is eating at you, love.”

“it’s… it’s Henry. How can I… how can I raise this new baby when I…”

“Swan,” he starts, taking her hand in his.

“I gave him away. I’m the one who essentially sent him to be raised by the fucking Evil Queen. How can I do something like that and then just… it feels like I’m replacing him.”

“Emma, darling, you're not replacing him. You still have him in your life. He’s here and he isn’t going anywhere because he loves you.”

“it’s just hard to think about telling him. What if he thinks I’m replacing him?”

“He knows why you made the decision that you did, love. You can’t change what’s already happened, so at some point you have to forgive yourself and move on.”

“That’s the second time you’ve said that to me today,” she says with a sound coming out of her throat, somewhere between a laugh and a scoff.

“it must be true, then.”

“I just can’t shake the feeling that at some point the other shoe is gonna drop and everything that’s been going so right so far is just gonna disappear.”

“I didn’t realize how traumatic this experience would be for you, love. It seems to be bringing back some strong feelings.”

She shrugs. “I guess.”

He nods, pulling her hand up to his mouth and pressing his lips to her knuckles. “Perhaps it would be helpful for you to speak with the cricket.”

“I’m not crazy,” she says defensively.

“I didn’t say you were, Swan. I just think it might be helpful to talk about these things.”

“I’m talking to you right now,” she says, her brows pulling together and a pout donning her mouth.

“Aye, and I’ll always be here for that, love, but it might be nice to have an objective person to speak to as well. I’m pretty pro-anything-you-decide-to-do.” She smiles at him again, finally turning towards him and leaning forward to rest her head on his shoulder. “Just think about it, aye love?”

“Aye.” He squeezes her shoulders and laughs lightly, kissing her temple.

“I know we just got ho—back, but would you like to see what I’ve been working on? It’s almost finished, but it’s probably ready for you to see now.”

She’d almost forgotten that they discussed this briefly this morning, and she’s suddenly excited to see exactly what the hell Killian is talking about, so she nods against his shoulder and sits up.

He puts the car in reverse and starts down the road, struggling slightly to operate the high beams with his hook but driving successfully either way. He slowly makes his way through town, passing through Main Street until they get to the outskirts and he turns right into a parking spot. When she looks up, Emma sees a row of matching apartments lining the quiet street. The one they're parking in front of is lit up with a light that resembles a lantern from his ship.

“What’s this?” she asks when he turns off the car.

“This is my project,” he answers, leaving the car and circling around until he reaches her door and pulls it open. He offers her his hand, but she’s still stunned and hasn’t undone her seatbelt yet.

She’s snapped to attention and clicks the button, taking his hand as he helps her out of her seat. She takes turns staring from him to the small townhouse and back to him.

“Your project…” she starts, unsure of what else to say.

“Aye, love. Just something I’ve been working on upon arriving here in Storybrooke.”

He takes a key from one of his pockets and sticks it into the lock before opening the black front door and gesturing for her to take a step inside.

The interior is slightly unfinished with blue tape lining the walls, and there’s no furniture in sight, but she can tell that the space is beautiful. It’s light and airy despite it being nighttime and the lights being off. He moves to switch one on and stands a few feet back from her as if giving her time to process what she’s seeing.

They're standing in what she assumes will be a living room, which has fully constructed walls that still need paint. To her right is a small kitchen with beautiful black granite counter tops with golden flecks throughout paired with light wooden cabinetry. It reminds her of the Jolly Roger.

She sees a small hallway with three doors lining the space. She takes a few steps towards them, then turns back to Killian as if to ask permission to enter. He nods, and she makes her way forward, opening the first door to her right to see a bright bathroom complete with a tub. The cabinetry and counters match those in the kitchen, and she smiles at the consistency.

She leaves the bathroom and steps over to the door next to it, finding what she imagines would be a small bedroom. The room isn’t too large, but it does have a nice sized closet, soft cream-colored carpeting, and a large window. These walls have been painted a soft white.

She smiles as she turns out of this room, noting that Killian is still standing in the open living room area allowing her to explore on her own. She turns around to the door across from the small bedroom and opens it up to find what she knows must be the master. It’s the size of the small bedroom and bathroom combined and has two doors on the other end which she assumes leads to a bathroom and closet. Killian has an end unit, so this bedroom has a large window on two walls. She opens a door closest to the entrance and finds a deep walk-in closet with bright lighting and a large mirror opposite the door. When she leaves and opens the other door, she finds a huge bathroom with fixtures matching the others in the apartment as well as a large standing shower at least double the size of an average one with stones that match the tan cabinets with golden flecks and black marbling throughout.

Emma is astonished at what she’s seen, unsure what to do or say as she stands in the empty, bare-walled bedroom. She finds that she doesn’t need to decide what to do, because when she turns, she sees Killian standing in the doorway looking nervous.

“I don’t…” she starts, but the words fall flat on her tongue. She doesn’t know what to say.

“I’ve purchased the space and have spent my days finishing it,” he offers quietly.

“How long?” she asks, stepping towards him until she’s almost close enough to touch him.

“Few months, about two weeks after we arrived back here.”

She shakes her head, her mouth hanging open. “Two weeks and you knew you wanted to stay?”

He’s blushing, his cheeks and ears turning a hot shade of pink. “Well, property is a very good investment,” he jokes, not making full eye contact with her.

She laughs awkwardly and shakes her head. “Right.”

“But yes, I knew.”

She starts to cry, obviously. And he gives her the smile that makes her heart flutter, of course.

“Don’t cry, darling,” he says with a soft chuckle as he whisps away a tear from her right cheek.

“This is just…” she waves her hands around between the two of them, words failing her.

“I know it seems like a lot, but I’m not showing you this place because I want you to move in.” She nods slowly, sniffling and wiping tears herself. “I bought it so I could have a project; something to finish. I felt so lost, and I just needed something to take my mind off the fact that I probably had to stop trying to kill the Crocodile, or that Baelfire was alive and well but not the man that I’d hoped he’d grow into. And as I was working, every decision I made I forced myself not to consider what you would think. And I had to kick myself every time I imagined you standing in here with me.” She lets out a harsh laugh before sniffling again. He nearly whispers, “but then you told me about the baby, Swan, and I just… I have so much hope. You’ve given me so much, love.” He wipes a tear again, his thumb stroking along her cheek and jaw. “I just hope that you’d feel comfortable enough to spend time here. And maybe I can make the spare room into the baby’s bedroom rather than the treasure room I was planning.”

She laughs again and leans into him, wrapping her arms around his middle and touching her tear-streaked face into his chest.

“This is a lot to take in,” she finally says against leather.

“I know, love. You don’t need to say anything just yet. I just… I want to be there for the little lad or lass, and you, and I don’t think a newborn should be living on a pirate ship. At least not until he’s old enough to become a pirate himself,” he adds with a smirk that she can hear.

“Could be a girl.”

“And she would be the most fearsome pirate in all the realms.” Without thinking, Emma presses a kiss into the exposed hair on his chest as another laugh escapes her lips. “You don’t have to move in here, Swan. It’s for the baby.”

“The baby lives in me,” she says with a smile, pulling back slightly.

“I know,” he smirks back.

She breathes out a laugh. “It is a lot, Killian, but I love it.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah,” she breathes out, and she suddenly can’t stop imagining how she might decorate the baby’s bedroom here. Then she remembers that he’s not asking her to move in and she shakes the thoughts from her mind. “Maybe we can stay here, then, instead of the Jolly Roger, once it’s finished.”

“That sounds perfect, love. It should only be another week or two before I can get furniture in here.” She nods, still smiling into his chest and squeezing him tight as his hand runs up and down her back. “We can take it slow.”

“Yeah.”

~~~~

The following Saturday, Emma watches as Killian and Mr. Smee move furniture around the townhouse until he’s satisfied with the layout, and she has to say, he has good taste. He picked out pieces that that fit perfectly with the aesthetic of the house, and since the walls were all painted a soft white last week, it’s starting to feel a lot more like a home.

She thinks back to earlier in the week, when Emma visited Mary Margaret for lunch and was absolutely put in her place over her delusions about their living arrangements.

Emma told her about Killian’s new apartment, about the high ceilings and the soft carpeting in the bedrooms and the hardwood floors in the kitchen. Then she told her about how the baby’s room has a big window overlooking the sea, and how large the walk-in closet in the master bedroom is, and Mary Margaret shot her a look that she couldn’t quite read.

“What?” Emma asked, raising her brows and frowning just a bit. “I’m just surprised that you two are moving in together so quickly.”

“We’re not moving in together!”

“Emma,” she said with a light laugh. “That’s a little bit of a stretch, isn’t it? I mean, think of how much time you’ve been spending together lately. You're telling me that you aren’t now going to spend even more time at his new place?”

“Well,” she started, stumbling over her words. “I mean, yeah, we’re probably going to spend time together there, but that’s instead of the ship.”

“You are moving in with him eventually. Maybe not now, but you two are moving in together.”

“That’s a lie,” Emma defended childishly.

“Mhmm,” Mary Margaret said back with a smirk. “Whatever you say, honey. And are you planning on sleeping in your own bed tonight?”

Emma stared at her then rolled her eyes, knowing that she’s lost the argument because her answer is a big fat no.

Now, as she sits on Killian’s comfortable new couch and practically sinks into the cushions (a beautiful and regal red color, to match the fixtures in the captain’s quarters aboard the Jolly Roger), she thinks she’s ready for a nap at any moment until she watches him reach up to a high shelf to put glasses away and his shirt rides up slightly, exposing a sliver of skin on his abdomen.

And, because she’s actually a child and not a 29-year-old adult, she wads up a tissue and tosses it at him to get his attention.

He chuckles as he turns around, placing a glass back into the box it came out of. “Need something, love?” She nods and then reaches her arms out and makes grabbing motions with both hands because, again, she’s a child. Perhaps a toddler, actually. He makes his way over from the kitchen area and takes one of her hands in his. “Water? A snack?”

“I’d like a snack, yes,” she responds, tugging on his hand until he’s seated next to her and she hoists herself, with great effort and a bit of help, onto his lap.

“Mmm,” he growls as his hand makes its way around to cup her ass. “You’ve been absolutely insatiable lately, love.”

“Mhmm,” she says as she reaches down to kiss his neck. “It’s a symptom of my condition.”

“Your condition?” he snorts, slapping her ass lightly when she bites his skin.

“Mhmm.” She nods into his neck and starts to unbutton the few that are fastened and kisses her way down his torso and feels his breathing catch in his chest.

When she crawls onto the floor and reaches the button on his jeans, she pauses and bites lightly at his stomach, reveling in the feeling of his abs tightening in response. She undoes the button and slides the zipper down, scratching down the tops of his thighs as he sighs heavily and throws his head against the back of the couch.

Once she gets his jeans and boxers off (not before admiring the shape of him through the black fabric), she takes his length in her hand and strokes up and down a few times before wrapping her mouth around his cock. She hums and he groans softly in response, then she glances up at him through her lashes and meets his eyes with hers. She moves her mouth along his soft marble skin for a few moments before she feels the tip hit the back of her throat and his hand grips her hair, his hips spasming. He moves his hand down to her cheek and pulls her up a bit so that she releases him with a soft pop.

“I want you,” he says darkly, and she feels desire flooding her as he helps her to get up off the floor and tug her leggings and underwear down. Once she’s perched on his thighs, she feels his hand tracing down her body until his thumb reaches her clit and she sighs and rests her head on his shoulder. His fingers slide into her easily and he groans. “You're so ready for me, love,” he murmurs.

She hums and turns her head so that she can press her lips to his neck. When she feels him curling his fingers and circling his thumb around her clit, she grinds down against his hand before tugging on his arm. He removes it quickly so that she can reach between them and align him so that he can thrust himself up into her.

She lets out a satisfied groan at the feeling of him filling her to the hilt. She bites her bottom lip, pulling back slightly so that she can kiss him. His hand is running wildly along her back, lifting her t-shirt and sliding along her side until he finds her breast and holds it tenderly. They're still quite sore, and he has gotten used to fondling them gently.

“Bloody vixen,” he mumbles against her neck, nipping at the sensitive spot he tends to favor. “You are bloody brilliant. Amazing.”

As much as she thought she would hate it, especially hearing him talking up a storm on the beanstalk and in Neverland, she never tires of the way he talks to her when they're like this. The things he says are sometimes filthy, but never in a derogatory way and always in a way that makes her feel so much sexier.

“God, fuck, can you—” She lifts her head from his shoulder and makes a small circular motion with her hand and he gets the message. He lifts her body off of his slightly, pulling out of her and then tugging her shirt over her head. She understands what he wants, too, and unhooks her bra, releasing her swollen breasts practically into his waiting hands.

He hums and squeezes gently, obviously pleased with their new size, before she turns away from him and gets on all fours on the couch. He’s practically growling now, feeling her up and down her waist and hip before he leans down and tongues at her entrance, drawing an embarrassingly loud moan from her throat. She reaches back and tugs on his hair as if to say get on with it, and he’s up again, leaning his hips against hers and running his hand along her again before landing on her ass with a light smack.

She’s pushing back against him, falling from her hands down to her elbows before he finally lines up and thrusts deeply into her. She lets out a shout and moves to set her fingers against her clit, but he brushes them away and goes to work himself, bringing her closer and closer with each caress. After several deep thrusts, they're practically falling into the couch with him landing on top of her but not settling all of his body weight on her, his hand still stroking against her clit and his hook digging into the couch next to her. The new depth and angle as he continues to thrust and move his fingers against her sends her over the edge in nearly an instant.

As she falls, her vision goes white, her mouth hanging open and biting into the couch in a silent (or perhaps not) scream. He follows shortly after her, burying his face in her hair and grunting out curses and praises into her ear as his hips continue to twitch against her.

“Fuck,” she mumbles against the fabric of the couch. She’s unable to move, and not just because Killian is still lying on top of her.

“Aye,” he responds. He presses a soft kiss to her ear underneath a curtain of hair. “You certainly are voracious lately, darling. I must say it’s one of my favorite symptoms of yours.”

She hums. “I guess it is better than the constant puking and peeing and sleeping.”

He laughs and kisses her cheek once more before lifting himself off of her and grabbing a box of tissues from an end table, offering it to her and taking one for himself. “Alright?” he asks.

“Yeah, just ready for my nap.”

“Take one, love. The bed isn’t ready just yet, but I can get you a blanket for the couch.”

She nods, reaching for her bra and shirt. Once they're both cleaned up and dressed, she says, “we should start thinking about the baby’s room.”

“Seems a bit early, but sure,” he nods with a smile.

“It’s never too early to start planning. Plus, I’m excited. I’ve never done this before.”

“Aye, love, neither have I.”

She smiles at him as he stands, throwing away the soiled tissues and walking towards a closet to grab a black throw blanket. “So, no secret kids I should know about?”

He chuckles and scratches behind his ear, draping the blanket over her body and sitting next to her. “I was always rather careful. Although I suppose times were different…”

With the way his body stiffens, she knows that her joke has made him uncomfortable. A part of her worries that he thinks he could actually have some secret kids out there.

“It’s okay,” she starts. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I was just joking.”

“I know, Swan,” he says before gesturing to the couch as if to invite her to lie down. Once she does, he wedges himself behind her and arranges the blanket over them before he wraps his arm around her middle, his hand landing protectively over her belly. “I have no knowledge of any other children, and as I said, I was always careful. I suppose I’ll never really know for certain, though.”

She struggles with how to respond, not wanting to offend him, and settles on a joke. “Should I be offended that you weren’t careful with me?”

“No,” he chuckles. “I suppose I was just so enraptured by your beauty and the fact that you actually wanted to be with me that I lost all capabilities of logical thought.”

She laughs, holding his hand in her own as he rubs small soothing circles over what will soon be a small bump. “I’m happy.”

He pulls her a bit tighter and kisses her shoulder before saying, “good. So am I.”

“I’m glad you're here. With me.”

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be,” he nearly whispers.

After a beat, when her eyes are starting to feel heavy and the circular motions of Killian’s hand start to sooth her into near sleep, she lets out one final thought. “I need to talk to my parents about Neal.”

His hand stops for a moment but resumes as he says, “I think that’s a good idea.”

“It’ll help me to move past everything. And maybe if they knew everything, mom will stop wishing I was with him.” He sighs, and she knows she probably shouldn’t have said that. She is on fire today with the offensive comments. “Sorry. Just… I feel like I’m mourning him. Like I knew and loved someone totally different and now I have to get over it all over again 12 years later.”

“It’s alright, Swan, I know what you mean. Baelfire was someone I could have allowed myself to love, as well.”

She nods her head against his chest as he tightens his arm around her middle and falls into a blissful sleep.

~~~~

It’s almost a week later when Emma finally builds up the courage to talk to her parents. She knows she needs to do this, that it’s important for them to know what she went through and how it’s impacting her now. Killian was right, her first pregnancy was traumatic for her, and now that she’s pregnant again, she’s finding that she’s having some trouble with the memories of what she went through.

He offers to go with her on Friday when she goes to Mary Margaret’s loft, but she declines, deciding that she needs to do this on her own.

She’s spent a lot of time at his new place over the last two weeks, and it’s only helping to add to the guilt she feels surrounding Henry. Each time she spends the night, it’s because her son is staying with Regina, but a more illogical part of her feels as if she’s abandoning him all over again by not spending time with him. The fact is, she’s scared to spend time with him because she’s scared that he’ll find out that she’s pregnant. If she’s honest, she’s a bit surprised his blabbermouth of a father hasn’t told him already.

Killian has reminded her a few times that this isn’t something she can hide from Henry forever, and that he’s smart and will eventually figure it out if she doesn’t come out and tell him. He’s right, of course. But she hasn’t really started to show too much yet, aside from what could be passed off as bloating, so she’ll continue to live in a state of unhealthy denial for a while longer.

When she arrives at the loft, she’s filled with dread and discomfort, but she knows she has to do this. When she told them earlier that she wanted to come over to talk, she was sure that they were expecting the worst. Maybe they thought that Killian left her, or that something happened to the baby, or that she was hurt somehow. So, when she arrives, they're both pacing across the floor nervously and jump when the door opens.

She apologizes for startling them, and for scaring them in general, then takes a seat at the table with her father following close behind. Her mother has prepared tea and brings over mugs and the kettle.

Emma starts talking and finds it near impossible to stop. Once she starts retelling the story, the memories are flooding to her mind as if it happened yesterday. The way that she thought for sure that he was the one, how safe she thought she was with him, the confidence she felt as she was piecing together her plan. The love she had for him at such a young age.

Mary Margaret begins crying before Emma even tells them about the watches, knowing that something bad was going to happen. David sits quietly in his seat, his fists and jaw clenched tightly. When Emma talks the police getting a tip, and then about her sentence, she sees his eyes glassing over.

When she tells them about how she discovered she was pregnant, two months into her stay at women’s correctional facility, her mother stands from her seat and hugs Emma tight, sobbing into her shoulder as she squeezes her and muttering out begging apologies into the air. She knew that Emma went to prison and knew that she gave birth while she was there. But learning that Neal left her there and never came back was evidently too much for her to bear.

Emma continues to tell them about how she gave birth to a healthy baby boy while she was chained to the bed and wouldn’t allow herself to look at him. About how she sobbed at the sound of his cries and still hears it in her dreams. About how she doesn’t know how to deal with Neal being back in her and Henry’s lives, especially when he was behaving so possessively.

“I hate him, but a part of me still loves him. He gave me Henry, and when we were together, it was really good. But he… he fucked me over. I was just a kid. He’s the one who called the cops, he tipped them off on where I’d be. And I was wearing a watch, so he got away to Canada and I got found guilty.”

“Emma, I am so sorry. For everything,” her mother sniffles. She’s still wiping tears away, and so is Emma. “I never should have pushed you towards him. When you said you thought you still loved him, before Neverland, I was so hopeful that you would get the chance to be with your first love. I had no idea how much pain went along with that.”

She nods, “I guess I didn’t really realize it either. Me and Killian have been talking about it and I think he’s right.”

“What does he say?” David asks, speaking up for the first time and clearing his throat.

“That the first time I was pregnant was traumatic. And that it’s hard to come to terms with my feelings for Neal when a part of me will always love him, even if only because of Henry.”

David hums and nods his head, adding, “big words coming from the pirate,” with a slight smirk.

“Dad,” she threatens lightly, switching over to a more serious tone. “I know this was unexpected, and a surprise and unplanned and all that, but… I think I’m happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. I was happy enough with Neal, but I didn’t realize that that relationship was kind of… it was kind of messed up. I was only 17.” David clenches his fists again and Mary Margaret looks like she’s seen a ghost as she takes a sip from her mug, the tea having long gone cold. “But with Hook, it’s just… it’s so easy. He’s so good to me. and I know he’ll be a fantastic father. I just want you guys to see that, and see that I’m happy now, with him. I don’t want to be with Neal, and hopefully now you can see why. Hopefully now that I’ve told you, I can really move on.”

It’s quiet in the loft for a few moments before David speaks up and says, “I want to punch him in the face.”

“Me too,” Mary Margaret responds, turning to him and nodding her head.

“I do too, but it was a long time ago and that wouldn’t help anything. Right now, I just need to take time away from him and let myself get over it. Hook says I probably never fully healed from it.”

“Well,” Mary Margaret starts. “I am surprised to hear that Hook was the one who encouraged you to tell us. I’m surprised, but I’m glad.”

“Yes,” David says in response, nodding at her this time. “The way I see it, you're right. Seems like he treats you well.”

“Yeah,” Emma says with a smile.

“I actually spoke with Ruby a few days ago and she told me that I needed to, and this is a direct quote, get my head out of my rear end.” Emma chokes out a laugh as she stares at her mother, who nods at her. “She said she’s known about you two since your birthday, and that she’s certain that you and Hook are… well, she said you're in love. And to ask you about a necklace?”

Damn you, Ruby Lucas.

“She said my secret was safe with her,” Emma grumbles as she pulls the necklace out of her sweater and removes it to show her mother, explaining the meaning of the shining green stone.

She fawns over it for a few moments and says, “well, I’m glad she told me. I think she’s right about one thing,” with a sly smile as she wipes away another tear.

Emma rolls her eyes, but smiles. Because yes, maybe Ruby is right about one thing.

~~~~

~~~~

Tagging:

@courtorderedcake @kmomof4 @stahlop @klynn-stormz@laschatzi@emelizabeth88 @lfh1226-linda @kday426 @profdanglaisstuff@elisethewritingbeast @timeless-love-story @captain-emmajones @gingerpolyglot @ebcaver @ilovemesomekillianjones @teamhook

[deconstructionofworkforpayot]

My positionality: Why should my child unlearn the same things I did?

Is it ignorant or fear of change that every generation has to fall trap into the same oppressing system? from our great grandmothers, who we identify as heroes of the society, our mothers, the cornerstones? Are we really going to be that generation that carries the silence of oppression passing it on to our children? Fortunately, I became a mum at what I call an ‘awakening age’ and aspired to be a different mum since then. I’m not saying other mums out there are not enough or that my mum is bad, but I have seen so many unlearned practices from her life.

Growing up in a ‘broken family’ without a father and having uncles play the father figure role had me yearning to covet the rights women have neglected for years and derange the patriarchal system. I mean, I identified my mother as mum and dad, although I hate calling her dad. Yes, she took on both roles, trying so much to not have me feel the gap of his absence. Trust me, I don’t hate my dad and never did, even when he was still alive. I hate the choices he made of neglecting me, not that I want to pin his actions with unjust things happening in my life, but somehow his behavioural choices were distorted. Growing up with my mum had me realize that I had to do better than the woman dad left in my mum who could not fully be my role model. I identify myself not as a strong woman but as resilient. One who has been down several times and still woke up.

I’ve seen how my male cousins were treated better than anyone else, how they would be part of family gatherings and have a say while we were only involved for refreshments. I don’t hate my upbringing, maybe had I had a different one, I wouldn’t have learnt. But who am I kidding? This patriarchal system doesn’t only affect us within our families; it’s a societal norm. Crazy right? But we can’t shy from the reality that this social system is used by males to control females (Yifei, 2011). I grew up angry at how I had no voice, how everything was dictated to me, how the behavioural choices imposed on me by society were to their benefits and not what I want but, in the name of teaching and grooming me to become a submissive wife.

It’s sad how I have witnessed this in my community, where these ‘happily’ married women were victims of gender-based violence and had no one to run to. It's frustrating how some of these women in marriages taught submission raised children who were victims of domestic violence and how everybody else knew, but none took a step to intervene. This has led me to not give childish advice to my clients in terms of marriage and relationships. It has redefined how I relate to people regarding their religion, gender identity, spirituality, etc.

Funny how as we grow, we’re encouraged to not think of anything else besides marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I respect such a communion, especially when it's consensual. But what angers me is how we cannot choose who we want to marry, how, and when. We actually not even asked if we want to get married. But does it matter? We’re merely a land that should be fertile to these undeserving males we call men in our societies. What kind of men would do such to a woman? What kind of mothers would allow this to their daughters?

The yoke we carry of thinking about your family names whenever we have to do something, I’m not saying drag your family on the mud. But why must it always be women who should take that responsibility? When I fell pregnant, I was such an outcast. Mind you this is my body. Funny how I had no feelings, their main concern was how what I’ve ‘done’ ruined the family’s reputation. I felt like such a possession. Or am I? you know when everyone can say something about you?

I had gone against religious ethics, and dogma. I had become such a sinner that deserved to be in hell, well no one saw me as a woman, not even as a person. I remember how I was oppressed for actions I could not undo. For a child I could not abort. For a child I loved at the very moment I realized I have conceived.

Google (2021) this image shows how accepting to say nothing is actually a choice favoring the opposition.

Hence, I learned how much I could not have my child go through the same treatment. I fought to break the silence and to take a stand for myself and wellbeing. I had to find my identity, in a place that seemed like a war zone I was tired of being deprived of my thinking, and entitlement to my behavioural choices and decisions.

Social constructs that made other women so proud of being numb, satisfied with mediocre, revoked feelings of strength and preparedness for war in me. I had to fight for the many women coming after me, before me, my mother, my daughter but mostly myself. I had to fight and still fighting the logic of being okay with not questioning, being okay with acceptance in the name of ethnicity, language, geographical location, family status, religion, race, gender and even culture. I’m still fighting the idea of how in a romantic heterosexual relationship the man has to be taller than the girl, darker than the female, be more educated and earn more money than the female. I’m still fighting the “okayness” with polygamy but stereotypes with polyandry. The okayness with men having many sexual partners and the labelling over women who do the same. The okayness of men using the services of sex workers and how sex workers are immoral. I’m fighting the okayness of a brother sleeping for 10+ hours and sisters waking up at dawn, preparing food for the entire family menders.

Positionality is a term used to explain how a person sees life, sees the world and position themselves in a situation, political and or social context (Darwin Holmes, 2020). Although ones understanding of life is everchanging, it is also important to recognize and understand how the change affects people around us.

Google (2021) the emphasis is on acknowledging that as people we learn and change, hence ones positionality is dynamic.

 My positionality has been impacted upon by personal experiences with regards to gender, from the idea of what gender is, and how as soon as a child is born there is confinement of who and how they should behave and think. Such experiences have taught me to see a person as a person without labels, so what if treat a transgender? So, what if I treat a sex worker? Why should my ideas control my therapy? Its of very importance that I look at the person holistically and consider their positionality’s in everything. At the end of the day, I should be concerned with how the client’s occupations have been affected and what can be done to assist not analysing the persons preferences, gender identity, and behaviour. Assuming a person’s positionality is so important because it allows me as a therapist to get the clients holistic overview of self and life.

Google (2021) these are the factors affecting ones positionality.

 Hence at Kenville community, we look beyond the client’s family status and treat everyone as equals. Be it a doctor, one of our own OTs and a child from a disadvantaged family. We understand that quality of life is impacted by health, environment, race, gender, and social status. We have also looked at programmes we can use to educate our community through the maternal health programme. Which has included individuals who are from South Africa with an attempt to alert our communities that outside of skin colour lives people. Its actually not important which gender you assign with, which race you identify yourself as. We are people. We are women.

I have this great urge to have my daughter, sisters not having to unlearn social injustices. how about you?

Reference

References

1.    Darwin Holmes, A. (2020). Researcher Positionality - A Consideration of Its Influence and Place in Qualitative Research - A New Researcher Guide. Shanlax International Journal Of Education, 8(4), 1-10. https://doi.org/10.34293/education.v8i4.3232

2.    https://www.dictionary.com/e/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/positionality-300x156.jpg

3.    https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fmiro.medium.com%2Fmax%2F794%2F1*prT891D9WB1Nm3xyG3r7OA.png&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2Fscholar-activism%2Fblog-8-when-are-we-positioned-out-of-bounds-3df6c7ee8dad&tbnid=_GtBNmlokchE_M&vet=12ahUKEwimt7yMrNvvAhUU4RoKHQhbAxYQMygFegQIARAj..i&docid=b-ownNp2UorWiM&w=794&h=505&q=positionality%20quotes&ved=2ahUKEwimt7yMrNvvAhUU4RoKHQhbAxYQMygFegQIARAj

4.    https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.slideshare.net%2Fmattmaycock%2Fethnography-group-15th-july-2015&psig=AOvVaw3LL8lzR2rGXMI_zXSF2ZaK&ust=1617476909120000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CA0QjhxqFwoTCKCq55eh4O8CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAK

5.    Yifei, S. (2011). China in the "Post-Patriarchal Era". Chinese Sociology & Anthropology, 43(4), 5-23. https://doi.org/10.2753/csa0009-4625430401

[gentlemanmendes]

Dead Air

In my half asleep state I walk to the car trying to keep my eyes closed so I can get more rest in the car, I'm one of those people that once they wake up that is it, there is no hope of going back to sleep until night. It doesn't help that I am also one of those people that are incredibly moody when they don't get enough sleep. I had slept in a pair of addidas sweat pants and a black crop top so I wouldn't have to get dressed in the morning plus my parents would never let me leave the house in my pyjamas.

When I reach the car my sister is already seated in the back seat, head rested against the window as she two tries to fall back asleep, the only difference is she has no trouble sleeping. Unlike me she could sleep through a hurricane and wake up happily once it was over without realizing anything had happened.

The plan was two go away for the next two weeks to celebrate my eighteenth as well as my parents twentieth anniversary, how they managed to stay together for twenty years and still be happy beats me, I would have probably gotten sick of someone after two weeks of being married. I haven't turned eighteen yet but being the oldest child and becoming legal was apparently a big deal to my parents.  The next two weeks will be spent at my Grandparents old lake house which is apparently where my parents met when my dad was working for my grandpa as the gardener to earn some extra cash. At just eighteen they met and fell in love, two years later had their first child and got married. Of course everyone thought they were crazy for getting married so young but they didn't really care. My sister found it cute and in a way I did too but I don't think I would get married to someone after just two years of knowing them, even if I had a kid with them. There is no doubt we will be told this story again on the way which is why I am so desperate to fall asleep now.

The last time I was in that house was when I was twelve, the last summer before my Grandparents passed away, my parents had decided to share the information that I had been conceived there. Of course at the time I didn't know what that meant but once I sat through high school health classes I put two and two together. My parents also decided that they wanted to make one more trip back to my grandparents lake house before they sold it. Being the only child my mother inherited everything but after nearly six years of hardly ever visiting my mum decided it was best to sell the house, they also needed the money if I was going to go to a decent college.

Dawn River, the town closest to my grandparents lake house,  was a small sad town with mainly old people living there. Everything from the shops to the cinema seemed to belong in a classic sixties movie, even the structure of the houses and decoration inside of them.

When I get into the car River, my sixteen year old sister, gives me a slight glance before letting out a giggle. She is no doubt laughing at the fact that I had taken my mother's blind folds and half covered my eyes so the blinding sunrise doesn't wake me more.

To top off all the romantic crap my parents named us after the town they met in. Thankfully me being born first I got the more decent name, Dawn, as for my sister she got stuck with River. As a child she hated it and would force everyone to call her Ree but as she's grown up I think she has secretly begun to like it. Besides it does match her down to earth personality and natural beauty with wide brown eyes, sun kissed skin thanks to all the time she spends outside, and messy brown waves that she can never be bothered brushing but she just seems to pull it all off. I on the other hand try my hardest and still can't be as pretty as her.  We do look alike except for the fact that my skin is pale compared to hers considering I spend all my time locked away in my room and leaving my hair knotty the way she does would probably frustrate me enough to take a pair of scissors to my hair and cut it all off.

We didn't stop once on the way, we never did in the past either. The only time my dad would finally stop would be when we needed to pee so badly that we couldn't hold it in anymore. Mum always packed food for the drive, she usually packed fruits and healthy snacks but dad got so sick of our complaining that he began buying crisps and candy the day before we left so he wouldn't be forced to pull over once he got sick of our whining. They had prepared for everything, made sure the car was filled with fuel, that the battery was working just fine, all the tires filled with air and a spare just in case, anything to make sure that this trip didn't go wrong.

After four hours of trying to sleep, I gave up. As I looked over at River, my legs resting on her lap, I notice that she has as well seeing how she is reading her latest romance novel. I would ask to read it after her but don't because not only do I hate romance novels with a burning passion but because she will tell me every single detail of the damn book when she is done, even if I bluntly tell her I don't care. It's just the way River is. Though we do share a love for books we just don't share any books, I tend to stay as far away from the romance or cheesy teen novels as much as I can. I prefer the fantasy stuff that keeps you guessing what will happen next, not the typical romance where they fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

My ear phones are playing as I try not to think about how stiff my backside has gotten from sitting on it for four hours straight.

"Hey mum, can you pass the chocolate chip cookies?" I finally speak for the first time this morning. My mum leans forward and pulls out the unopened packet of store bought cookies causing me to smile broadly as I reach out for them. River holds her hand out signalling that she wants one as well. As I open the packet of cookies the car swerves causing the cookies to fly everywhere in a mess.

My eyes widen and I look up to see what is going on. The car begins to spin in circles and I begin to scream, feeling my body being tossed around in the backseat of the car, even with my seat belt on. I don't remember hearing anyone else over the sounds of the panic in my head telling me that this is is, I am going to die.   My head hits the roof of the car and I feel the car tip upside down, the tears are falling freely down my face but I don't care, there are so many things I haven't said to my parents, so many things I haven't done or gotten to experience and now I never will.

Finally the car has stopped rolling up we are upside down. I want  to scream call out for River and ask if everyone is okay. I look over at my side and see the blurry silhouette of my sisters body handing upside down looking almost lifeless. Fear takes over me.  

This is it, just like that my life will be taken away from me and there is nothing I can say or do to stop it. That is just the way the world works.

Sharp pains can be felt all over my body from my face down to my calf's I can feel a stinging sensation as though someone has grabbed a knife and has made multiple deep slashes wherever they possibly could. My head feels heavy and everything is dizzy. I can't keep my eyes open no matter how hard I try, suddenly being wasted seems so much better than this and that is coming from someone who hates drinking.  My eyes begin to close as I struggle with all my might to keep them open. All the pain in my body is still there but it feels almost far away and I wonder if this is what dying feels like. If it would be painless and simple like the way I feel now. Nothing cross my mind anymore except for the fact that I can't keep my eyes open no matter how hard I try.

 I’ve had this in my drafts for ages but wasn’t sure about it. If this does good i might post it on wattpad but idk????

[ficsuniteheredftba]

I Love You Most

Fandom: Harry Potter

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Reader

Requested: No

Prompt/Summary: You are staying at the Burrow over Christmas because Fred discovered the truth about your abusive parents. You aren’t expecting much for the holiday, but Fred goes out of his way to make this the best Christmas you’ve ever had.

Word Count: 2,482

Pronouns Used: She/Her

Warnings: Slight/Referenced Bullying, Referenced Abuse from Parents

Author’s Note: This imagine includes references to parental abuse and incidents that could be seen as bullying. While neither are described in detail, and no specific events of either abuse or bullying are pictured, I want all readers to be as safe as possible, so if these topics are in any way triggering to you, I implore that you read with extreme caution or you do not read this imagine at all. Also, if you are currently suffering from child abuse, the U.S. National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453; please call that number. For those in other countries, please find and contact your local hotline as well. If an abusive scenario is active and could lead to your harm, please contact your local emergency services at their number. 

Your name: submit What is this?

Fred grabbed the cloth coat that was once hung over the oak chair beside him. Slipping it around his body, he made his way to the door to exit the Burrow when Molly suddenly appeared behind him.

“Where do you think you’re going, Fred Weasley?” she demanded.

“Oh, you know, out,” he responded.

“Tell me where you are going right this instant, young man!” Molly raised her voice, making the conversation conceivably audible to the rest of the Burrow’s residents.

“Will you please keep your voice down?” he implored. “If you must know, I’m off to get (Y/N) a Christmas present.”

(Y/N) was staying at the Burrow this Christmas as she and Fred had been friends ever since they first met on the Hogwarts Express. Of course her and George were close too, but (Y/N) and Fred were simply inseparable. The pair’s closeness was only augmented by the fact that, secretly, they had begun dating, the redhead’s twin being the only one who knew. This was a part of the reason she had been invited over, but another factor was undeniably going through Fred’s mind when he offered her an invitation by saying, “Listen, love, I owled mum to ask about you coming over and she said it would be great to have you for Christmas this year. Will you please join us?” Fred thought back to the day he had found out the secret his girlfriend tried so hard to hide.

It was just after the students had returned to Hogwarts for the new term and the pair was taking an afternoon walk around the Black Lake. At the other side of the lake, the Weasley child noticed the giant squid swim up towards the surface enough to be visible. Trying to get (Y/N)’s attention, he grabbed her robe-covered wrist. “Look, the squid!” exclaimed Fred as the girl simultaneously shouted, “Ouch!”  

“What’s wrong, darling?” asked Fred suspiciously. “I didn’t pull that hard, did I? Did you hurt your arm somehow?”

“I fell down during break and landed on my wrist, but I’m fine now,” (Y/N) whispered.

“Let me see, I want to know if it’s bad.” Fred began to pull her sleeve up before she could protest. He noticed the blue and purple bruise wrapped around her skin and recoiled in horror.

“That doesn’t look like it came from a fall. It looks like someone grabbed you, (Y/N), and I hope to hell it wasn’t who I think it was.”

Tears began to roll down (Y/N)’s cheeks. Fred pulled her tightly into his chest. “It was. They do it all the time over break, and there are worse marks in other places.”

Fred felt horrible; he always tried to protect his girl, but he failed to keep her safe when she needed it most. He could only imagine the pain she felt and the fear she faced every day at her own home. Her parents, the people she should be able to trust and feel safe around, had been hurting her, mostly likely for a long time, in a way that could never be amended. He would never let her face that place or any other where she might be hurt ever again.

Fred had made a promise to himself that day, and he had been determined to fulfill it by bringing her to the Burrow for Christmas instead of her own house. He enjoyed having her over regardless because ever since she arrived, they had been having fun thinking of joke products and indulging in an occasional kissing session when no one else was around. Suddenly, Molly’s high-pitched yelling voice forced Fred out of his reverie.

“You are fifteen years old! You expect to be let out shopping all by yourself?” Molly shrieked, “Besides, aren’t her mother and father going to send her any gifts?”

“No, they’re not,” Fred whispered.

“What did you just say?”

Fred straightened his shoulders. “No, she’s not getting any presents from her mum and dad. Her parents treat her horrendously. They’re despicable, the both of them!” he spat.

Molly understood right away what he meant, and she was absolutely gobsmacked. (Y/N) was so kind and polite, and she had already found a place in the mother’s heart. Still in shock, Molly did the only thing she could think to do: thump Fred on the back of the head.

“Why didn’t you think to tell me (Y/N)’s not getting any presents?”

“Well I was just out to get her some, until you came and yelled at me!” Fred asserted.

Molly smiled. She could tell that Fred loved this girl, even if she didn’t know they were a couple.

Putting her hands on Fred’s face, Molly stated, “You’re trying to do the right thing, and that is laudable, but you must take an adult. Get your father and he’ll go with you. I know that she is muggleborn, would you like to look at the muggle shops?”

Fred smiled; his mother had read his mind, “Oh, yes, mum, thank you! Can I get going? I’ll fetch dad right now.”

“Of course dear, but be back for supper,” she requested.

Christmas rolled around the Weasley abode with a great mix of excitement and noise. Fred was sat in the living room quite close to (Y/N) with George, Ron, and Charlie also there. The rest of the children were helping Molly and Arthur bring the presents down, but Molly had let Fred stay to keep his friend company. When Ginny came bounding down the stairs, gifts stacked higher than her head, the eldest twin smiled. He knew he was seeing more presents than usual. Surely some were from (Y/N); she was too kind not to give to the family that had offered to house her over break. Still, there were some that had to be for her, and Fred couldn’t wait to see the look on his girlfriend’s face when she received them.

“Come here, (Y/N),” he spoke softly. She scooted closer to him, her hip touching his, but he wasn’t satisfied and began to pat his legs. “Now, sweetheart, there’s no point in being shy. My whole family’s convinced I’ll never have a date, they won’t think anything of it,” Fred promised. Knowing what the ginger wanted, she decided to fulfill his wishes and hopped up onto his lap.

“First up will be (Y/N) as she is our guest, then youngest to oldest!” Molly commanded.

“That’s very gracious of you, but I’d certainly be alright with Ginny and Ron going first,” (Y/N) piped, insistent that it wasn’t necessary for her to start, but Molly was persistent.

“Honestly, darling, I don’t even know why bother to try and argue.” she smiled. “Go on then!”

(Y/N) turned to Fred, looking into his eyes for a bit before turing back to his mother, who was picking just the boxes with her name on them. Ginny’s gift was planted in her lap first, and upon opening it she found an advanced spell book. “Thank you, Ginny, I love it,” she grinned.

The next present was from Ron, who gifted her a nice new pheasant-feather quill, and then George, who offered Dungbombs and Hiccough Sweets from Zonko’s. Molly, of course, had felt it necessary to also get (Y/N) a present, and as such had hand-knitted a comfortable Weasley jumper for her.

The last box that had been found for the Weasley’s guest came in the form of a box not particularly large, but beautifully wrapped in red and gold paper. Seeing the curious look on (Y/N)’s face, Fred gave a signature smirk before speaking. “What are you waiting for? It’s from me, if you couldn’t tell. Come on then,” he prompted, seemingly sure that he had done a good job.

The girl hesitantly pulled off the paper and lifted the lid from the ruby case. (Y/N) gasped at the sight in front of her, one that she found to be truly fantastic. Inside the box laid a ring with an inscription of “Okay?” on the outside and “Okay.” on the inside, a reference to a novel she loved. “Oh, Fred Weasley you didn’t!” she exclaimed.

“Oh, yes, I did. You made me read that book, and to be honest I quite enjoyed it. I know you did too,” he replied. “Now keep going, there’s more!” Fred was right, as (Y/N) found out upon further search in the box. A necklace was lying beneath that contained different shaped charms. One was a beater’s bat, another a quaffle. It also held an open book, a wand, a quill, and a cauldron.

“It’s beautiful, Fred! Gorgeous! How could you ever afford this?” she inquired, but he didn’t answer. Instead he shoved another item into her hands. This object was a copy of the book The Hunger Games, (Y/N)’s favorite book that had been tragically destroyed by some Slytherins who threw it in the water when she was reading beside the Black Lake.

“Thank you, Fred,” she breathed, and he chuckled.

“Anything for you, doll,” he whispered in her ear.

The rest of the night went very well; each of the Weasleys loved (Y/N)’s presents for them, especially Arthur, who received a How It Works muggle book. She knew how much muggles fascinated him, and his eyes lit up when he saw it, thanking her profusely every chance he got. Still, none was more grateful for their gift than Fred.

The twins were up to receive their presents next, and they were excitedly tearing through the wrapping paper of everything put in front of them. Some of the gifts, such as those from Molly, Arthur, and Hermione were less than spectacular as they had offered textbooks in the hope of seeing the boys improve academically. Still, other gifts that they got were pretty impressive like the Sneakoscope from Bill.

The next pair of packages that Molly picked up for Fred and George were wrapped with purple and yellow paper. A tag in the left hand corner of both presents noted that they were from (Y/N), with Fred having the purple box that was rather long and fairly thin and George getting the yellow box that was wider but shorter.

“Is this from you, love? Now, what did you feel the need to get me? You know that I think you being here is enough of a gift for me. I love you,” Fred gushed, apparently loud enough for his brother to hear because he rolled his eyes.

“Come on, Fred! I want to get going opening these gifts,” George demanded.

“Alright, alright,” was the reply as the twins began to open their parcels, Fred pulling apart the tabs of the cardboard slowly. Once the box was finally open, a gasp of surprise came from the recipient. He had received a broomstick, specifically a Nimbus 2001.

“I hope you like it. I wanted to get you a Firebolt but it was just more than I could afford,” (Y/N) explained.

“Are you kidding? This is marvelous; it’s tremendous!” Fred praised, hugging her from behind. Going back into the package and digging around for the rest of what his girlfriend had given him, Fred found ashwinder eggs, rose thorns, and pearl dust as well as seemingly charmed fireworks.

“I know you were trying to make love potions as a product for your joke service, so I got you some of the base ingredients. I also heard that you were coming up with pranks involving fireworks, so I got some that you can charm and change to do different things.”

“Thank you so much, sweetheart. You are such a catch; I’m lucky to have you,” Fred muttered as George made a puking motion.

Promptly, the Weasleys all turned their attention to Percy as it was announced that he was getting his turn with gifts. Taking advantage of the lack of attention on him, (Y/N)’s boyfriend snuck a kiss onto her temple before continuing to watch all the festive proceedings.

It was well after midnight at the Burrow, and all of the Christmas activities were officially at a close. As evidence of this, the atmosphere in the house had calmed down when all of the children had been taken upstairs to their bedrooms. The boys had all been herded into their respective rooms while Molly had lead Ginny, Hermione, and (Y/N) to their shared space. Now, very little was happening in the house except for one notable conversation.

Once all three girls had changed into their pajamas, Ginny turned to Hermione and began whispering in her ear, nodding occasionally. The two spoke briefly before turning towards the third girl and gazing at her.

“Look, (Y/N),” began Ginny, “if you want to go and sleep in Fred’s room for the night, we won’t tell anyone. In fact, we’ll even go to his room and get you out before anyone knows if mum tries to come upstairs while you’re there.”

“What do you mean? Why would I want to go spend the night with Fred?” the girl questioned, trying to keep the fact that they were dating a secret.

“Don’t lie to us. We know that you’re going out with him; we overheard George talking about it. He’s never exactly been a quiet one. We think that your relationship is adorable by the way. We only wish that you would’ve told us sooner,” Hermione spoke, trying to act cross but not quite succeeding. (Y/N) smiled, grateful that her friends were so understanding and thoughtful.

“Go on, then. Don’t keep your man waiting.” Ginny nodded the guest out of the room. (Y/N) opened the door, finding herself in the hallway, and tip-toed across the way to the place she already knew was inhabited by the twins. She twisted the knob before pulling on the handle, opening up the door freely. (Y/N) then twirled around to the other side of the entryway, closing the door quietly behind her. Turning to face the set of beds, she was shocked to hear a voice.

“Hey, gorgeous, is that you?” Fred asked, eyes towards her location.

“Yeah, it is. Your sister helped me break in.”

“Bless her soul. I’m glad you’re here, especially since I get to see you wearing my jumper. You look cute,” he complimented.

(Y/N) looked down, noticing that she in fact had Fred’s shirt on as well as a tiny pair of gym shorts. Giggling, she fell back onto the mattress her boyfriend was lying on and allowed him to envelop her in his arms. He pulled her flush against him in a spooning fashion and kissed her on the back of her neck. (Y/N) felt herself becoming tired when Fred spoke again.

“I love you,” he mumbled into her ear, meaning each word intensely.

“I love you more,” replied the girl, quickly falling into a dreamland, but not before she heard one last thing from the ginger beside her.

“I love you most.”

[bedfordwrites-blog]

if love be rough with you, be rough with love. - romeo and juliet

from the moment bailey could walk and talk she’d known the way her life was going to pan out. there was no questioning or wondering where she was going to end up, her future mapped out and planned from the second she had been conceived. she had no real right to complain; she grew up in a big house with a large green backyard, she always had people around her reminding her they would always protect and love her, she never went without anything she ever wanted or needed, and she grew up with her best friend within reach at all times. bailey was perched on elliot’s front steps when it all went down, fingers laced with his as they whispered about how when they started their own families - it would be far away from all of this. it was wishful dreaming, but knowing he felt the same distaste about their lives sometimes made it all a little less scary. there wasn’t anything about her that elliot didn’t know, there wasn’t a single emotion that she’d felt over the years that he hadn’t been told about at length. there wasn’t an inch of her that he didn’t know - and vice versa. there she’d barely just whispered her promise before her father was storming out of elliot’s home, grabbing her by her forearm and pulling her towards the front gate with him. 

this had never happened before. their parents had had their share of arguments, but she’d never been torn away from elliot over it. they’d always left the younger members of the family out of their bickering. what made tonight so different? she glanced back over her shoulder as they reached the gate, the same terror and confusion written all over elliot’s face as it was hers. the two had never really spoken of what they were, of what their close relationship meant, but as she watched him disappear into the distance - she knew what he was to her.

everything felt as though it were moving in fast forward from that moment on. in the blink of an eye all of bailey’s possessions had been packed into fresh cardboard boxes and were shoved into the back of a dirty old van while her cell phone was thrown into the trash, no one offering any real explanation for what was happening as her whole life was uprooted before her eyes. it wasn’t until they were half way across london that her father pulled into an alley she knew all too well from her nights out with elliot and the lads, her brow furrowed as he turned the engine off and turned in his place to meet her eyes. he kept his voice quiet as he spoke, telling her all about the falling out he’d had with her best friends father, about how they’d been shunned and had to start over on the other side of their home city. she’d nodded her head silently, keeping her face void of all emotion in an attempt to show her father that she gave him nothing but every inch of loyalty she had inside her. it didn’t matter that he was changing everything she knew, that they were starting over in a suburb she’d never been to before - her father said it was so, so it was so.

they didn’t stop again until they were pulling into a gas station, bailey chewing on her bottom lip as she mumbled something about needing to use the restroom. she protested far too quickly when her mother had offered to go with her, the questioning expressions being thrown her way by both her parents and her baby sister going unnoticed as she paced into the gas station. she kept her head down, a mannerism drilled into her by her mother from the time she was six years old, only daring a glance out the window at her family as she gripped a burner phone between her fingertips. despite the information her father had given her, and the trust she put in his words, she knew that elliot would know more about what had gone down than anyone was offering to her. he’d never lied to her, never beat around the bush or sugar coated things. she trusted him despite being warned never to trust anyone. she’d just made it to the register when her father suddenly appeared, gripping her wrist and prying the cell phone from her fingertips. he didn’t say anything as he put it back on the shelf, his silence more terrifying than any lecture he could ever give her. her heart was in her throat, knowing better than anyone the way her family approached people they considered to be traitors. thankfully, they never spoke of it again. he’d given her the message he needed to give her - elliot was no longer a part of her life. in any capacity.

it was harder to adjust to her new life that she’d expected, her bottom lip constantly raw from being stressed between her teeth from the anxiety of meeting new clients. it didn’t appear to matter that she’d been in the life from the minute she’d turned sixteen - she still hated having to interact with new clients her dad made her wine and dine. he’d given up on making her wear dresses and do herself up, her strong will too powerful for him to fight at the best of times. she thought about elliot more often than she cared to admit, never speaking his name out loud, but finding herself searching for him anytime she made her way through london town. the two had been inseparable from the moment they were able to recognise that their lives were forever going to be intertwined, and now that forever was over - she still wasn’t sure how to wrap her head around doing this alone. he’d been her one constant through everything, the one person she laid down with at night and shared soft kisses and whispered words with. he was the one person she loved, and that was over now. she’d made new friends in no time, just like her parents had promised her she would, but it wasn’t the same. it was never going to be the same. she couldn’t ever go back, knowing that one of two fates would fall on her head if she did. either elliots parents would have her disappear and start a full blown war between the two families - or her own dad would disown her and she’d end up with nothing and nobody. 

all is fair in love and war, afterall.

the loud music that blasted through the speakers at the unfamiliar london house she found herself in vibrated through her bones, the condensation from the beer bottle she clasped in her hands dripping down her forearm and sending constant chills down her spine. she didn’t want to be here tonight, but this was the only time her father’s new clients son had the time for her. the business was all about networking, she’d been reminded on a daily basis, and meeting the family of important clients was the most important part of networking. a quiet sigh fell from her lips, the gun in the waistband of her tight jeans pressing a little too hard against her hipbone as she slowly turned and let her eyes glaze over the many unfamiliar faces that filled the room. they all looked the same, were all dressed the same, and were all high on the same high shelf drugs. it was all so monotonous, she couldn’t comprehend how any of them separated themselves from each other. a flash of black curls caught her eye, interest immediately spiking as she tried to search out the source of the sight and failing miserably. her brow pulled together tightly, a feeling of dread spreading through her veins as she placed her beer bottle down without ever taking her eyes off the party around her.

trusting her instincts had gotten her this far, and she wasn’t about to doubt them now. she moved her fingertips to where the gun was sat under her shirt, letting her fingers brush against the cool metal just to make sure that it was still there. she flicked the safety off through the fabric of her shirt, knowing the layout of her gun better than the layout of her own body. she took slow and deliberate steps out onto the back patio, her eyes tight and alert as they continued moving over the faces before her. she didn’t stop until her back was against the wall, a trick elliot’s mum had taught her, her heart hammering in her chest. she’d never had to actually use her gun before, but the adrenaline pulsing through her veins warned her that tonight might be the night. she let a slow breath fall from her lips, reminding herself that there was no real reason to feel as threatened as she did. there was no suggestion that anyone was here to hurt her or to take what belonged to her - but her gut was having none of it. 

and then she saw him.

it happened in an instant, her eyes meeting his from across the room as her fingers immediately falling away from her gun. he looked exactly how she remembered him looking, mess of black curls falling around his face and leather jacket clinging tightly to his body. of all the lectures her father had given her since they moved, he never once gave her instructions on what to do in this scenario. she knew what he would tell her to do, and what she was sure elliot’s parents had told him to do - take out the competition. lure him into a false sense of security and then shoot him between the eyes. the fact her hand fell away from her gun at the mere sight of him told her that she wasn’t going to do that, the thought that this could be the night she dies flickering through her mind for a beat. time felt as though it were standing still as bailey took slow steps around the room, her eyes never once leaving elliot’s as she desperately tried to think of any way to handle what was unfolding before her. she begged the excited butterflies to stop, to leave her alone and let her deal with this rationally - but they weren’t having any of it. 

if love be rough with you, be rough with love, her mother’s words echoed through bailey’s mind as she made her way out the front door and down the stone steps, the cold immediately freezing her to her core as she moved to stand under the cover of an unkempt tree in the corner of the obnoxiously large yard. she just needed air. she just needed a minute to think before she dared approach him. why hadn’t he come for her? why hadn’t he written her? why hadn’t he done anything? was it because he was following orders too - or was it because he really did see her as the competition now. her hands ran through her now brown hair, tugging at the root before turning to look back at the house.

there he was, standing right there, his eyes on hers, look of terror and uncertainty mirroring her own just like it had the night they’d been torn away from one another. bailey reached for her gun without even thinking about what she was doing, pulling it from where it sat tucked into her jeans, and dropped it onto the grass in front of her without ever breaking eye contact.

she was breaking every rule that had ever been laid out for her, knowing that it may cost her life and not seeming to care if she died at his hands. if it was her time to go, she’d rather go by his blade than any other.

[a-gay-bloodmage]

---We may have made a bit of a mistake.---

For @zevranology‘s #Zevwarden week

Pairing: Zevran x Male Amell Warden

Pairing Type: M/M

Words: 2,161

Warnings: Lots of fluff, brief mentions of past child abuse, murder

Nothing compares to the way your heart pounds when you end a life! Zevran thought, smiling. He and his Warden, the mage Redren, were currently following a lead on a Crow assassin that had been operating in Ferelden, and after a good month, had finally reduced the Crow’s numbers by one.

“So, would you like to go get a drink?” Zevran asked, looking up at Redren as he wiped some of the woman’s blood off his gloves.

“Of course! Where were you thinki-” He trailed off.

“Redren?” Zevran looked concerned. “What is it?”

“I thought I sensed something,” he said quietly, wandering off to a back room and leaving Zevran confused. Zevran simply waited in the small living room next the the bloodied corpse, only running to the back when he heard the never good cry of:

“Oh, shit!”

“Redren, what’s wrong?” Zevran asked, noticing how his Warden looked like the Archdemon was back when he saw him standing in the doorway.

“Zevran,” he smiled, his eyes screaming. “We may have made a bit of a mistake.” His hands were placed on Zevran’s shoulders, keeping the smaller man out of the back room by sheer willpower.

“Redren dear, you’re frightening me,” Zevran said slowly. “Please, what’s back there that’s got you so-” he was cut off by the sound of a baby starting to cry. He and Redren swallowed hard at the same time. Redren quickly let go of Zevran, hurrying back to the old crib. Zevran sighed.

“My Warden, just leave it,” he sighed. “I know it may be hard, but…” He trailed off when Redren turned his head so fast it looked like it could snap.

“No!” He yelled, startling the baby further. “We’re not just ‘leaving it’!” He reached down to pick up the child, setting his staff on the floor to cradle it in both his arms.

“Alright, we’ll bring it to an orphanage.”

“I,” he was still looking down at the crying child, rocking it gently. “I can’t do that,” he muttered.

“You can and you have to,” Zevran sighed.

“But we just killed it’s mother!” He looked horrified. “It looks healthy and safe, which means that that woman was a good mum!” He shushed the baby, and Zevran could see tears forming in the Warden’s eyes as well.

“Please,” Zevran sighed again, walking up to Redren. “What do you propose? That we raise it as our own?” Zevran laughed, but fell silent as he noticed how Redren wasn’t laughing. “That was a joke.”

“It was a good suggestion.” He held the baby up to his chest, its tiny fingers grabbing onto his robe as it quieted.

“I did not mean for it to be!” Zevran yelled.

“Hush!” Redren whispered harshly. “He’s, I think it’s a he, is falling asleep!” Zevran watched in sad amusement as the mage cradled the tiny thing, bouncing it like a mother would.

“We can’t,” Zevran said quietly.

“Why not?” Redren asked, looking at his companion.

“We haven’t the faintest idea of how to care for babies!”

“You might not,” Redren sighed. “But I do. My Auntie would hold me like this to quiet me down,” he whispered. Zevran remembered his Warden speaking of the old apostate witch who took him in after his mother had died, hiding him for seven years until the Templars took him to The Circle. Zevran could hardly imagine what he felt like. Sure, Redren had been the one to kill his mother, but he’d been five years old and scared. He must’ve felt something looking at that child in his arms. A guilt, maybe, for taking away a mother, but likely a want to save the child from growing up abused in an orphanage, similar to what he’d gone though in his mother’s whorehouse. Zevran couldn’t help but feel the same type of pity for the poor thing.

“Are you sure?” He asked, walking closer to Redren to take a look at the infant. He had curly red hair but tan skin, and Zevran couldn’t help but smile at how much he seemed to be a blend of himself and his partner.

“I am,” Redren sighed, looking down at the child.

“Alright,” Zevran said, sitting down on the floor, Redren following suit. “But tell me one thing. I want to know why you want this so badly.”

“There’s a lot of reasons,” he said, looking at Zevran with sad eyes. “But I think the main one is that I’ve always wanted to be a dad.” The response startled Zevran. Redren laughed quietly at the shock of his face. “I always wanted to do what my mum never did, which was give a kid a happy life. I wanted to be a dad like my father never was, someone to really be a dad and not just a nameless man passing through a brothel,” he spat. “And when Morrigan, when she…”

“It’s okay, my dear, you don’t need to finish that,” Zevran said gently, putting a hand on Redren’s shoulder as he choked up.

“No,” He shook his head. “I want you to know, since I never really told you. When Morrigan told me we had to conceive a child, I let myself be comforted by the fact that her baby would have a dad. But then she said that she never wanted to see me!” He held the infant in his arms close. “That I was never to be in its life. And I hate that. How another child has to grow up fatherless.” Zevran leaned against his lover’s side.

“I see,” he nodded. Zevran, in all had never given a second thought to what had become of Morrigan’s child. Redren never spoke of it, so Zevran had assumed he didn’t care. Foolish thing to do, since things people don’t want to talk about are always the ones they care most about. Zevran looked at the child next to him, watching him wiggle in his sleep, making little hums and breathing softly.

“Isn’t he cute?” Redren whispered fondly. The look in his eyes was enough to sway Zevran. His Warden never looked like that, so soft and loving. It was a different type of fondness in his eyes when he looked at Zevran.

“I suppose so, yes,” Zevran wasn’t a good judge of how cute a baby was. “But we should get going. Don’t forget that there’s a dead Crow in the parlor,” he laughed quietly.

“Ah, yes. Nearly forgot,” Redren said. “Can you hold him a second?” He asked when they stopped by the dead woman. He gently passed the child to Zevran. He leaned down, dipping his hands into the pool of blood, and spread a controlled flame over the body, burning it without smoke. He wiped his hands off on the floor and stood up. He took the baby back, with Zevran more than willing to hand him over. As cute as his Warden was, sometimes his magic was pretty terrifying, so Zevran thanked the Maker every day he was on Redren’s good side.

Eventually, they reached their shared little home, with the baby still sleeping. Zevran wondered how he could take a nap for an hour while he was being bumped up and down as Redren walked.

“Mama?” The tiny thing piped up.

“No, not mama,” Redren sighed.

“Mama!” The baby was grabbing onto Redren’s long ginger hair, pulling some of into his mouth. Thankfully, Redren’s hair was the same colour as the dead assassin’s, so the baby might’ve thought he was his mom.

“Sweetheart,” Redren laughed gently, “I’m not your mama, but I suppose I’m your dad now.”

“Da.. da?”

“Yes,” he smiled. “And he’s your dad, too,” Redren shifted to point at Zevran, who was feeling a bit put on the spot. I’m not ready to be a father!

“Dad..dy?” The baby’s cheeks were puffed out a bit in concentration.

“Uh huh,” Redren laughed. “Very good!” For all his hesitancy, Zevran was actually beginning to like the idea of taking care of the child. So few things made Redren happy, and seeing his eyes light up when the baby laughed melted Zevran’s heart.

“What should we name him?” Zevran asked, looking down at the tiny thing. Redren hummed in thought. Zevran figured he’d have to shoot down quite a few ideas, since Redren didn’t have the best track record with names. He’d named his Mabari Dog. Said mabari was probably outside napping in their tiny back garden.

“What about Malakai?” Zevran blinked a couple times.

“I, I like it,” he nodded. “Any special reason?”

“Just someone I used to know is all,” Redren looked down at the newly named Malakai with a sad smile. Zevran didn’t push it.

“Malakai,” he said, standing in front of the two. “It’s very nice to meet you.” He put a finger above the child, watching as Malakai grabbed it. “That is my finger, yes,” he laughed as Malakai stared at it. His wide eyes were a soft brown, sparkling with curiosity. How he seemed so content with his new home certainly confused Zevran, but he was definitely happy that Malakai was fine.

..

The first couple of nights were slightly rough, with Malakai waking every couple of hours. Dog had taken to the new addition well, sleeping next to the makeshift bassinet. It rested on the floor on the other side of Zevran and Redren’s bedroom, about five feet from the small fireplace. At first, it was Redren always getting up to check on Malakai, to change or feed him, but eventually, Zevran got over any anxiety he had and started to help out at night as well. He had been hesitant, afraid he’d drop or injure the baby, as he’d never handled one before. As it turned out, Malakai had been fine with whatever his new daddy did, even if the bottle was too hot or he was jostled a bit more than wanted when being picked up.

If anything, he’d grown to love being bounced by Zevran, who’d spend hours reading with Malakai on his leg as he bounced him. Redren seemed to be very happy with all this, watching the two of them develop a real relationship.

“And what are you staring at, my dear?” Zevran asked, looking up from the papers he’d collected on the Crow assassins’ whereabouts.

“I’m simply watching my lover and my child looking absolutely adorable together,” he chuckled. “Is that such a crime?”

“Malakai is adorable, I am handsome!” Zevran protested.

“Hmm,” Redren paused, putting a hand to his chin. “Nope, you’re cute too. Sorry, but I don’t decide these things!”

“Yes you do!” Zevran sighed jokingly. “Honestly…” He looked down at Malakai. “Do you think your Dada is right, or your daddy?” Malakai just laughed, reaching up to try to grab at Zevran’s blond hair.

“Daddy!”

“Ha! I’ve won!”

“Dada!”

“Another tie,” Redren shook his head in amusement. “Honestly, he doesn’t know how to pick sides.” Zevran stood up, walking over to where Redren sat in an armchair. He sat down on the mage’s lap, thankful for his small build. Dog wandered over to the three, curling up at Redren’s feet. Zevran leaned back against his lover’s chest, happily cuddled against Redren with Malakai on his lap.

“You know,” he said softly, “I was so hesitant at first that this would be a horrid idea.” He tilted his head back to look at Redren. “I couldn’t even remember the last time I so much as interacted with a baby!” He shifted so that his legs were slung over the armrest and his hips were nestled between Redren’s thighs. “I never have imagined that I would have loved it so much.”

“I’m so happy to hear you say that,” Redren smiled, wrapping one arm around Zevran and placing his other hand where Malakai could grab at his fingers. The soft snores of the mabari and the crackling of the fire were lulling Zevran to sleep, with Redren’s gentle breathing pushing comfortingly on his side. Malakai seemed to have fallen asleep, and by the darkness outside, it was apparent that his bedtime was long since passed.

After a while, he felt himself being shifted as Redren stood up, carrying him bridal style to the bedroom, putting Malakai in his bassinet after setting Zevran down gently on the bed. He could hear a soft goodnight being whispered before he came back to bed, settling under the covers. Zevran felt Redren’s arm fall over him, pulling the elf towards him for comfort. Zevran gingerly kissed his Warden’s forehead before blowing out the candle on the bedside table. Dog had made his way to Malakai, and started to snore again.

The quiet breathing of all of his sleeping family members brought a genuine smile to his face as he shifted back to take his usual position of the little spoon. This peace was something he knew he’d hold on to as long as he could, as tightly as possible.

[skygemspeaks]

85 question game

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag twenty people

tagged by the lovely and amazing @natsomuchartem​

the last

drink: water. (or if that doesn’t count, McDonalds’ orange pekoe milk tea)

phone call: My Mom

text message: My boss

song you listened to: Gosh, I don’t know. We keep the radio on at work, and I just got back, so...if it’s the last song I chose to listen to, it’d be the Chainsmokers and Coldplay’s Something Just Like This

time you cried: Well...I got teary-eyed over a fic just this morning. But tge last time I actually cried would be...a week or two ago.

dated someone twice: nope

kissed someone and regretted it: definitely.

been cheated on: never

lost someone special: 2012

been depressed: ...p much always?

gotten drunk and thrown up: I hardly ever drink, so no

three favourite colours

Purple

Mint

Wine Red

in the last year have you

made new friends: yep

fallen out of love: nope

laughed until you cried: oh definitely XD

found out someone was talking about you: nope

met someone who changed you: not really

found out who your friends are: lmao I guess? I have like 3 irl friends. Because I’m an antisocial shit who prefers to be alone.

kissed someone on your facebook list: pfft naaah

general

how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? about half? I add online friends too, if I know them really well. I don’t go on fb much anymore though

do you have any pets? No, but I REALLY want a dog. One of the giant breeds. More doggo means more cuddles

do you want to change your name? My mum chose my name when she was just 14, and against all odds, was allowed to name me, so no. My name is a product of fate, and I love it lots. (Afghanistan is really sexist, and my freaking uncle thought he had more of a right to name me than the woman who carried me for 9 months and brought me into this world >_> )

what did you do for your last birthday? Spent the day with my family, and went out for dinner.

what time did you wake up? 9:30, which is about when I always wake up.

what were you doing at midnight last night? reading an hp fanfic 

name something you can’t wait for: The Yuri On Ice movie! Oh, and I’m going to be going to Calgary and Vancouver next summer, which I’m really hyped about! I went to BC for 2 weeks in 2012 and completely fell in love with it, so I’ve been dying to go back.

when was the last time you saw your mum: This morning, when she dropped me off to work ^^

what are you listening to right now? The sound of my AC XD I’ve not got any music on

have you ever talked to a person named tom? I mean...maybe? I work at a pharmacy, and I’m sure at least one of our patients is named Tom.

something that is getting on your nerves: People that hate on JJ (no, I won’t ever get over it. I’m just petty like that).

most visited website: Threeway tie between tumblr, ao3, and youtube. They make up about 90% of the time I spend on the internet. I also go on the Gravity Tales website a lot too though because I’m following The King’s Avatar, and it updates daily.

hair colour: ......dark brown roots, and then an inch or two of lighter brown, then blue fading into blonde.

long or short hair: waist-length. Though I’m thinking of cutting it short again.

do you have a crush on someone? nah

what do you like about yourself? My talent in writing

piercings: I used to have two sets on my ear lobes, but the second set didn’t heal properly so I had to let it close up. My first set I’ve had since I was 4 or 5.

blood type: No idea whatsoever. My dad had type O, but I don’t know what my mum had. So it could conceivably be just about anything.

nickname: Nothing irl, but online I always go as Skygem, so most people call my Sky, Gem, or (several several yers ago) Vivi.

relationship status: Single

zodiac: Capricorn

pronouns: she/her

favourite tv show(s): Boku no Hero Academia, Natsume Yuujinchou, Yuri on Ice. I’d also say Katekyo Hitman reborn, but I haven’t seen much of the anime for that one. Only ead the manga.

tattoos: None, but I do want a quote on my inner forearm that reads “Words are different when they live inside you” (Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, Benjamin Alire Saenz)

right or left handed: Left

surgery: No

sport: None. Though I do occasionally watch hockey.

vacation: Went to Niagara Falls for Canada Day! It was a total blast. And like I said before, we’re planning to go to Alberta and BC next year.

pair of trainers: reebok

more general

eating: Thai Express

drinking: Tims iced capps

i’m about to: play world of warcraft probably

waiting for: Motivation, to get started on my new book

want: to be a popular author one day. and travel the world.

get married: maybe someday. if anyone even wants to marry me in the first place, though I doubt that’ll happen.

career: No earthly idea whatsoever. Currently considering asl-English interpreter

which is better?

hugs or kisses: Hugs!

lips or eyes: Eyes

shorter or taller: Taller

older or younger: Older

nice arms or nice stomach: arms

hookup or relationship: relationship, duh

troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever

kissed a stranger: Never

drank hard liquor: I took a beverage, bar, and dining room course, and we tasted a lot of beverages, and learned to mix lots of different kinds of drinks too. I’ve had rum, tequila, and vodka, thought I usually prefer to stick to wine because everything else tastes gross to me. sparkling wines are my usual go-to

lose glasses/contact lenses: Never, surprisingly enough, and I’ve had glasses since I was 14, so that’s...7 years now.

turned someone down: lmao no. no one asks me out, like, ever

sex on the first date: lol no. who’d want to have sex with me O.o

had your heart broken: nah

been arrested: lol my mum would have killed me, so no.

cried when someone died: when my dad died

fallen for a friend: Never

do you believe in

yourself: occasionally

miracles: absolutely

love at first sight: You can’t love someone you don’t even know. You might feel a connection, or the possibility for love, but not actual love. It’s either infatuation, or lust. You’re in love with who you imagine they might be, not who they actually are.

santa claus: I’m Muslim, so no XD

kiss on the first date: I dunno, maybe? I kissed my ex right after he asked me out, but that’s because we’d been friends for like a year before that point (it was a mess of a relationship though, ngl. broke up within a few weeks). It really depends on the relationship

angels: I do :)

other

eye colour: Brown

favourite movie: Literally always changing, just like my fav book. At the moment, it’d be Wonder Woman 

tagging: @realisticallycynical, @blindiemac, @wizardmafianinjapirate, @seitosokusha, @i-w-p-chan, @tsukana, @cute-evil-meme-queen, @ollypuro, @elynight, @cookiethehappyunicorn, @altered-karma, and anyone else who wants to!

[airoasis]

Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/loving-your-lady-parts-as-a-path-to-success-power-global-change-alisa-vitti-at-tedxfidiwomen-2/

Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

Translator: Monika Kapuscinska Reviewer: Reiko Bovee I’ve waited all day to get my fingers on you. So, I want to take you again to where I used to be about 14 years in the past. I used to be a scholar at Johns Hopkins university, and i used to be able to start my lifestyles, I was planning to become OB/GYN. And my physique, all of a sudden, went into total hormonal crumple. And as a consequence, so did my existence, completely dysfunctional. I couldn’t get up, could not fall asleep, couldn’t have any vigour.It was a non-stop nightmare to get up no longer recognizing your self and now not knowing the best way to live within the body that you simply had. I need you to snapshot me. I particularly do want you to appear. (Laughter) I was once 200 kilos. I know, proper? Protected face, chest, back, arms, anyplace that you would put, in painful cystic pimples. It would take me half of an hour in the morning of cautious uncomfortable application of make-up to take a look at to go outside. I used to be depressed; I was exhausted; i would menstruate as soon as a yr, and no one had any concept what used to be incorrect with me. It had been getting gradually worse from concerning the age of 15.And i was once getting more and more curious and annoyed. And in one in all my insomniac moments I was on the library, of course, science nerd, attractive scientist, i would like to say. Researching in one of the crucial obstetrics journals. And i saw this small gain knowledge of on a disorder referred to as Stein-Leventhal sickness. It was once named after the gentleman who categorized this grouping of symptoms. I mentioned, "Oh my god, I fit this description to a tee." So I felt very naughty, however I ripped off the report, and the next morning I very vigorously marched into my gynecologist place of business.With out an appointment, of course, very first thing within the morning, i’m like, "hello, so I think I just figured out what’s been unsuitable with me for the final seven years, and i’d like a transvaginal ultrasound correct now!" She looked at me, "How have you learnt what that is?" and i stated, "Let’s do that confirmatory test and let’s examine." I mentioned, "i am no longer leaving here except we do it." So we did it. And she said, "look at that! You do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Actually, you have been right!" And being a now-what-resolution form of lady I said, "So now what? What can we do?" "Now i know what it’s subsequently! Now what?" She said, "well…" and i’ll on no account overlook sitting in that chair in her place of job.She said, "you’ve a future laid out ahead of you of obesity, diabetes, infertility, heart sickness, and melanoma. And we are going to medicate you alongside the best way, so do not worry." and that i keep in mind sitting in that chair. And it wasn’t out of anger, or a way of victimhood; there used to be no fight; it was just on a mobile degree; my entire being stated, "No, thank you," and that i mentioned to her, "thanks very so much on your opinion. I’m going to take my very expensively knowledgeable Hopkins intellect and go figure this out." So that is what I did. And that i apprenticed myself with all forms of healers, and i was doing all forms of fun experiments. I had became orange from drinking so much carrot juice at one factor. My lady friend at the moment – she’s nonetheless my exceptional friend – she grabbed me and he or she mentioned, "you may have turned orange. It’s time to stop this test." And "I have got to conclude this test!" (Laughter) None of these experiments made any change in my symptoms in any respect.After which, about ten years in the past, what was coming to the forefront in nutritional science was this concept of dietary genomics that you just might use meals to manipulate gene expression. Oh, I was once so became on through this. I mentioned, good if that’s possible, if food could make a decision– you recognize, in a set of twins, if the diet in one twin can come to a decision how her health goes to take place versus her identical twin with a further weight loss plan, one of a kind disorders, what am i able to do with meals to recalibrate my hormonal system? And that is once I dove into my study and studied functional treatment, opted-out, freaked out my mum and dad, didn’t end up a health care provider, and rather became a realistic nutritionist and developed this 5-step dietary protocol that rebooted my whole endocrine process as you will find how wonderful I appear now.(Applause) (Laughter) And opened my center in mid-town new york 9 years in the past and started treating other women with equivalent conditions: menstrual disorders, fertility disorders, low energy, low libido. They usually’d come into my core, limping with these issues, periods out of whack, could not get pregnant if they’ve tried 17 times, cannot perform, can’t remember the last time when they suggestion about intercourse, or pleasure, or anything. And in a similar way, their lives have been also untethered, uncentered; they weren’t, they didn’t have their core factor. And we might practice the protocol, and their wellbeing disorders would resolve themselves, miraculous things for me as a scientist, like a lady with no interval for 17 years she’d must go to the healthcare professional as soon as a yr to be precipitated with progesterone to have a bleed.She menstruates month-to-month now. And we are close acquaintances, I just find that entire story so interesting. One more lady got here in on delivery manage, on Prozac, in a job she hated, in a relationship she hated. We acquired her off all of these medications, of direction, with the help of her doctor, and six months later she wrote me and he or she said, "by the way, feeling nice," – that was a given – and stated, "Moved to L.A. And have gotten my first screenwriter job, and the exhibit that i’m writing for is now being in syndication." Love that. One other girl had two firms, had all variety of matters occurring in her lifestyles, exclusive Pilates clients in the big apple, very fancy, had her possess studio in Greenwich, Connecticut; husband was in transition in his career.And she used to be having erratic cycles. She’s in her mid-30s. We utilized the protocol to her body. And comfortably – that is the phase that I form of get thinking about – without difficulty, her physique restored itself. Remember that sport, connect 4? I love that sport, I used to play that at all times with my brother. So, you know, her entire life simply began lining up. She effortlessly let go of these customers in ny, allowed one in all her companions on the studio to take on more responsibility. And she realized that she had been striking off having a baby for some distance too long, and used to be able to conceive naturally for this reason of the work which used to be so entertaining to look.And, of course, being any one who’s inquisitive about biology, i like the idea that she used to be treatment herself of those symptoms, all of these females. But the larger discovery was once that if a woman is in line, in alignment, in harmony with that inner ecosystem that she has, that starts to impregnate the ecology of her complete life. With this concept of transformation; your physique is a change agent.After which that can begin to have an effect on the relaxation of your existence. So enjoyable. And that is once I fell in love; I said, "Oh, my God." right here we are, we are walking around with these blueprints in our our bodies that tell us how one can reside and work in a way that’s within the glide of our our bodies. And if we are able to emerge as fluent in the language of our biochemistry, and our physiology, this grouping of glands and organs – that I like to call girl ingredients – that we are able to have access to a limiteless source of energy, and vitality, and clarity, and unwavering purpose. I imply I was once entirely hooked. So, Aldous Huxley as soon as said that man is an intelligence basically in servitude to his organs. And that i notion, that’s sad, that we seem at being in our bodies as this style of slavery centered entice that we have to take care of.And i have rather instead determined that ladies who get into partnership with their bodies end up becoming the fullest expression of themselves, and living as leaders and alter retailers in their lives and communities. So let me introduce you to your woman components. I just are not able to help myself. If i am on stage i will speak about girl elements, i’m going to tell you about them. I would like you to as a minimum go residence realizing what they are. (Laughter) Nothing else. So, there are two things i want you to grasp. First is the physiological constitution on your physique referred to as the endocrine system.Six glands. Hypothalamus within the midbrain, pituitary gland nestled shut by, thyroid, right here, pancreas, here, adrenals, here, ovaries, right here. They work in an interconnected means making sure that your body has what it desires to function: brain, coronary heart, muscle, tissue, hormones. Interesting. They usually’re so totally sensitive. Hypothalamus works with this thing referred to as terrible bio-feedback so any time that something happens, the temperature changes outside, hypothalamus picks that up, pituitary gland sends a message to the thyroid, all of the sudden, you’re adjusting to the temperature. You did not have got to do a factor. You had been purely having fun with the weather. Love that. Genius. Simplest in a physique would that happen. Anyway, then there may be this physiological structure: your hormonal ratios; you’ve got four of them that occur in one month cycle. And it’s really interesting, seeing that we handiest ever reference that in an extraordinarily common approach: "I need to get pregnant," or "i do not wish to get pregnant." that is how we reference these hormonal ratios.The ovulation one is kind of probably the most famous. And the period, the menstrual phase is essentially the most notorious. However there are 4. There are a few others. So i would like you to to believe about where you are in that cycle. And listed here are the four phases. First you have got the follicular phase, intriguing segment. And neurochemically these hormonal ratios change your brain chemistry. So you’re an extra man or woman, week over week within a month. Yeah, you realize. (Laughter) In that follicular segment, where the eggs are sort of coming up to maturity; one is going to make it to the Fallopian tube, very exciting time. (Laughter) Neurochemically talking, you will have the most access to creative energy that you’re going to have the whole month. With no trouble. This is a ideal time to start new tasks: mastermind, plan, dream giant, all of that. Within the ovulatory segment, which we all know very good, so i am not going to dive into it. Within the ovulatory section, we now have the quality verbal exchange advantage and essentially the most vigor that we can have all of the month. That is absolutely a time to have important conversations.Would it be genius in case you might plan to ask for a raise when you are ovulating? (Laughter) Whoever is making an attempt not to provide the lift is like, "Please take the cash. You’re so irresistible." (Laughter) Or go on a primary date, or have an principal dialog along with your companion. Or inform your mother some thing you really want her to say yes to. You are just a magnet at that time. In a luteal phase, B vitamins are being referred to as into action, for the reason that the lining is thickening, and it’s a very energized system. But we grow to be very element oriented right now. So that shoe closet you could not get to prepare earlier than, this is the week. Detail oriented tasks are very effortless to do. Are attempting not to plan them in the different two weeks. In the fourth phase, the menstrual segment, that is the time of the month while you certainly have essentially the most energetic dialog between the proper and the left hemispheres of the brain.So powerful! So, if you’re watching into course correct, review your lifestyles in the past 30 days, how you did this month, this often is the time to do it. You’re most able to receive these intestine feeling body messages. So, take observe, take a second to take observe at the moment. Gloria Steinem mentioned, when she was once speakme concerning the movie, "omit illustration" which i love, she said, "women are taught to view their bodies as unending tasks to work on, whereas, boys from a younger age are taught to view their our bodies as instruments to master their environment." I literally fell off my chair once I heard her say that. When you consider that isn’t that the reality? We, as women, get on this hamster wheels of self-development and self sabotage. And we don’t study about these most important, actual bodily buildings in our our bodies that give us this blueprint to easy methods to arrange our lives. I imply, in case you virtually adhere to the map you be trained precisely what you will have to consume, while you should consume it, the way you should move your physique, the way you must prepare social commitments, work priorities.It is all laid out for you. You don’t have got to feel, or do, or push, or wrestle. It is simply there for you. And regrettably, the atmosphere is somewhat bit gaining knowledge of us right now. Lady’s bodies are in hormonal breakdown in epidemic proportions. I consider it is 20 million females within the Unites States suffer from endometriosis, fibroid, PCOS… In 2009, 1.Forty two billion bucks were spent on infertility cures. Premiums of idiopathic "no-identified" cause of infertility are on the upward thrust in each men and females. Cancers of the reproductive organs are on the rise in men and females. Drugs are being prescribed, left and proper, for therapy of things that do not particularly want medication, but quite desire a systemic strategy. And it is usually interesting, on the grounds that we’re additionally in an extraordinarily equally fascinating old moment, the place we now have the most energy economically and as the greatest client demographic than now we have ever had before.Which you could actually vote along with your dollars to say to corporate america, "hello, i might like you to customized-fit an environment for me." "i might love to peer more maternal care there." So, at the core we want to empower as many ladies as can to study this language, and leverage their our bodies as a software. So, I need to provide the three matters that we instruct every body. The first is you need to fall in love.You must be taught what these ingredients do and the best way to consume to support them, so they are able to perform optimally for you. The 2d factor is that you just need to commit, decide to this new relationship with your physique. I want you to devise your month, thematically, week over week, according to these hormonal ratios, with the intention to just do extra, pass teach your lifestyles; I name it "in-physique time administration". The third factor is, i need you to start to leverage your physique as a vigor instrument. And i would like you to reply the query that none of my patients can ever reply the first time I ask it of them, which is: if I were to wave a magic wand and restore your physique to best vitality what would you do with that vigor? How would you be a change agent on the earth? If which you could begin to answer that query, then we can quite step into our roles as leaders as women. So, ladies supply birth via the body. The most important act of our iteration of women is going to be to be in a partnership with the body, to no longer go away it out.And i particularly want to see you’re keen on your girl constituents, turn out to be your life, and alter the world. I am Alisa Vitti. It can be been an honor. (Applause) .

[batterymonster2021]

Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/loving-your-lady-parts-as-a-path-to-success-power-global-change-alisa-vitti-at-tedxfidiwomen-2/

Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

Translator: Monika Kapuscinska Reviewer: Reiko Bovee I’ve waited all day to get my fingers on you. So, I want to take you again to where I used to be about 14 years in the past. I used to be a scholar at Johns Hopkins university, and i used to be able to start my lifestyles, I was planning to become OB/GYN. And my physique, all of a sudden, went into total hormonal crumple. And as a consequence, so did my existence, completely dysfunctional. I couldn’t get up, could not fall asleep, couldn’t have any vigour.It was a non-stop nightmare to get up no longer recognizing your self and now not knowing the best way to live within the body that you simply had. I need you to snapshot me. I particularly do want you to appear. (Laughter) I was once 200 kilos. I know, proper? Protected face, chest, back, arms, anyplace that you would put, in painful cystic pimples. It would take me half of an hour in the morning of cautious uncomfortable application of make-up to take a look at to go outside. I used to be depressed; I was exhausted; i would menstruate as soon as a yr, and no one had any concept what used to be incorrect with me. It had been getting gradually worse from concerning the age of 15.And i was once getting more and more curious and annoyed. And in one in all my insomniac moments I was on the library, of course, science nerd, attractive scientist, i would like to say. Researching in one of the crucial obstetrics journals. And i saw this small gain knowledge of on a disorder referred to as Stein-Leventhal sickness. It was once named after the gentleman who categorized this grouping of symptoms. I mentioned, "Oh my god, I fit this description to a tee." So I felt very naughty, however I ripped off the report, and the next morning I very vigorously marched into my gynecologist place of business.With out an appointment, of course, very first thing within the morning, i’m like, "hello, so I think I just figured out what’s been unsuitable with me for the final seven years, and i’d like a transvaginal ultrasound correct now!" She looked at me, "How have you learnt what that is?" and i stated, "Let’s do that confirmatory test and let’s examine." I mentioned, "i am no longer leaving here except we do it." So we did it. And she said, "look at that! You do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Actually, you have been right!" And being a now-what-resolution form of lady I said, "So now what? What can we do?" "Now i know what it’s subsequently! Now what?" She said, "well…" and i’ll on no account overlook sitting in that chair in her place of job.She said, "you’ve a future laid out ahead of you of obesity, diabetes, infertility, heart sickness, and melanoma. And we are going to medicate you alongside the best way, so do not worry." and that i keep in mind sitting in that chair. And it wasn’t out of anger, or a way of victimhood; there used to be no fight; it was just on a mobile degree; my entire being stated, "No, thank you," and that i mentioned to her, "thanks very so much on your opinion. I’m going to take my very expensively knowledgeable Hopkins intellect and go figure this out." So that is what I did. And that i apprenticed myself with all forms of healers, and i was doing all forms of fun experiments. I had became orange from drinking so much carrot juice at one factor. My lady friend at the moment – she’s nonetheless my exceptional friend – she grabbed me and he or she mentioned, "you may have turned orange. It’s time to stop this test." And "I have got to conclude this test!" (Laughter) None of these experiments made any change in my symptoms in any respect.After which, about ten years in the past, what was coming to the forefront in nutritional science was this concept of dietary genomics that you just might use meals to manipulate gene expression. Oh, I was once so became on through this. I mentioned, good if that’s possible, if food could make a decision– you recognize, in a set of twins, if the diet in one twin can come to a decision how her health goes to take place versus her identical twin with a further weight loss plan, one of a kind disorders, what am i able to do with meals to recalibrate my hormonal system? And that is once I dove into my study and studied functional treatment, opted-out, freaked out my mum and dad, didn’t end up a health care provider, and rather became a realistic nutritionist and developed this 5-step dietary protocol that rebooted my whole endocrine process as you will find how wonderful I appear now.(Applause) (Laughter) And opened my center in mid-town new york 9 years in the past and started treating other women with equivalent conditions: menstrual disorders, fertility disorders, low energy, low libido. They usually’d come into my core, limping with these issues, periods out of whack, could not get pregnant if they’ve tried 17 times, cannot perform, can’t remember the last time when they suggestion about intercourse, or pleasure, or anything. And in a similar way, their lives have been also untethered, uncentered; they weren’t, they didn’t have their core factor. And we might practice the protocol, and their wellbeing disorders would resolve themselves, miraculous things for me as a scientist, like a lady with no interval for 17 years she’d must go to the healthcare professional as soon as a yr to be precipitated with progesterone to have a bleed.She menstruates month-to-month now. And we are close acquaintances, I just find that entire story so interesting. One more lady got here in on delivery manage, on Prozac, in a job she hated, in a relationship she hated. We acquired her off all of these medications, of direction, with the help of her doctor, and six months later she wrote me and he or she said, "by the way, feeling nice," – that was a given – and stated, "Moved to L.A. And have gotten my first screenwriter job, and the exhibit that i’m writing for is now being in syndication." Love that. One other girl had two firms, had all variety of matters occurring in her lifestyles, exclusive Pilates clients in the big apple, very fancy, had her possess studio in Greenwich, Connecticut; husband was in transition in his career.And she used to be having erratic cycles. She’s in her mid-30s. We utilized the protocol to her body. And comfortably – that is the phase that I form of get thinking about – without difficulty, her physique restored itself. Remember that sport, connect 4? I love that sport, I used to play that at all times with my brother. So, you know, her entire life simply began lining up. She effortlessly let go of these customers in ny, allowed one in all her companions on the studio to take on more responsibility. And she realized that she had been striking off having a baby for some distance too long, and used to be able to conceive naturally for this reason of the work which used to be so entertaining to look.And, of course, being any one who’s inquisitive about biology, i like the idea that she used to be treatment herself of those symptoms, all of these females. But the larger discovery was once that if a woman is in line, in alignment, in harmony with that inner ecosystem that she has, that starts to impregnate the ecology of her complete life. With this concept of transformation; your physique is a change agent.After which that can begin to have an effect on the relaxation of your existence. So enjoyable. And that is once I fell in love; I said, "Oh, my God." right here we are, we are walking around with these blueprints in our our bodies that tell us how one can reside and work in a way that’s within the glide of our our bodies. And if we are able to emerge as fluent in the language of our biochemistry, and our physiology, this grouping of glands and organs – that I like to call girl ingredients – that we are able to have access to a limiteless source of energy, and vitality, and clarity, and unwavering purpose. I imply I was once entirely hooked. So, Aldous Huxley as soon as said that man is an intelligence basically in servitude to his organs. And that i notion, that’s sad, that we seem at being in our bodies as this style of slavery centered entice that we have to take care of.And i have rather instead determined that ladies who get into partnership with their bodies end up becoming the fullest expression of themselves, and living as leaders and alter retailers in their lives and communities. So let me introduce you to your woman components. I just are not able to help myself. If i am on stage i will speak about girl elements, i’m going to tell you about them. I would like you to as a minimum go residence realizing what they are. (Laughter) Nothing else. So, there are two things i want you to grasp. First is the physiological constitution on your physique referred to as the endocrine system.Six glands. Hypothalamus within the midbrain, pituitary gland nestled shut by, thyroid, right here, pancreas, here, adrenals, here, ovaries, right here. They work in an interconnected means making sure that your body has what it desires to function: brain, coronary heart, muscle, tissue, hormones. Interesting. They usually’re so totally sensitive. Hypothalamus works with this thing referred to as terrible bio-feedback so any time that something happens, the temperature changes outside, hypothalamus picks that up, pituitary gland sends a message to the thyroid, all of the sudden, you’re adjusting to the temperature. You did not have got to do a factor. You had been purely having fun with the weather. Love that. Genius. Simplest in a physique would that happen. Anyway, then there may be this physiological structure: your hormonal ratios; you’ve got four of them that occur in one month cycle. And it’s really interesting, seeing that we handiest ever reference that in an extraordinarily common approach: "I need to get pregnant," or "i do not wish to get pregnant." that is how we reference these hormonal ratios.The ovulation one is kind of probably the most famous. And the period, the menstrual phase is essentially the most notorious. However there are 4. There are a few others. So i would like you to to believe about where you are in that cycle. And listed here are the four phases. First you have got the follicular phase, intriguing segment. And neurochemically these hormonal ratios change your brain chemistry. So you’re an extra man or woman, week over week within a month. Yeah, you realize. (Laughter) In that follicular segment, where the eggs are sort of coming up to maturity; one is going to make it to the Fallopian tube, very exciting time. (Laughter) Neurochemically talking, you will have the most access to creative energy that you’re going to have the whole month. With no trouble. This is a ideal time to start new tasks: mastermind, plan, dream giant, all of that. Within the ovulatory segment, which we all know very good, so i am not going to dive into it. Within the ovulatory section, we now have the quality verbal exchange advantage and essentially the most vigor that we can have all of the month. That is absolutely a time to have important conversations.Would it be genius in case you might plan to ask for a raise when you are ovulating? (Laughter) Whoever is making an attempt not to provide the lift is like, "Please take the cash. You’re so irresistible." (Laughter) Or go on a primary date, or have an principal dialog along with your companion. Or inform your mother some thing you really want her to say yes to. You are just a magnet at that time. In a luteal phase, B vitamins are being referred to as into action, for the reason that the lining is thickening, and it’s a very energized system. But we grow to be very element oriented right now. So that shoe closet you could not get to prepare earlier than, this is the week. Detail oriented tasks are very effortless to do. Are attempting not to plan them in the different two weeks. In the fourth phase, the menstrual segment, that is the time of the month while you certainly have essentially the most energetic dialog between the proper and the left hemispheres of the brain.So powerful! So, if you’re watching into course correct, review your lifestyles in the past 30 days, how you did this month, this often is the time to do it. You’re most able to receive these intestine feeling body messages. So, take observe, take a second to take observe at the moment. Gloria Steinem mentioned, when she was once speakme concerning the movie, "omit illustration" which i love, she said, "women are taught to view their bodies as unending tasks to work on, whereas, boys from a younger age are taught to view their our bodies as instruments to master their environment." I literally fell off my chair once I heard her say that. When you consider that isn’t that the reality? We, as women, get on this hamster wheels of self-development and self sabotage. And we don’t study about these most important, actual bodily buildings in our our bodies that give us this blueprint to easy methods to arrange our lives. I imply, in case you virtually adhere to the map you be trained precisely what you will have to consume, while you should consume it, the way you should move your physique, the way you must prepare social commitments, work priorities.It is all laid out for you. You don’t have got to feel, or do, or push, or wrestle. It is simply there for you. And regrettably, the atmosphere is somewhat bit gaining knowledge of us right now. Lady’s bodies are in hormonal breakdown in epidemic proportions. I consider it is 20 million females within the Unites States suffer from endometriosis, fibroid, PCOS… In 2009, 1.Forty two billion bucks were spent on infertility cures. Premiums of idiopathic "no-identified" cause of infertility are on the upward thrust in each men and females. Cancers of the reproductive organs are on the rise in men and females. Drugs are being prescribed, left and proper, for therapy of things that do not particularly want medication, but quite desire a systemic strategy. And it is usually interesting, on the grounds that we’re additionally in an extraordinarily equally fascinating old moment, the place we now have the most energy economically and as the greatest client demographic than now we have ever had before.Which you could actually vote along with your dollars to say to corporate america, "hello, i might like you to customized-fit an environment for me." "i might love to peer more maternal care there." So, at the core we want to empower as many ladies as can to study this language, and leverage their our bodies as a software. So, I need to provide the three matters that we instruct every body. The first is you need to fall in love.You must be taught what these ingredients do and the best way to consume to support them, so they are able to perform optimally for you. The 2d factor is that you just need to commit, decide to this new relationship with your physique. I want you to devise your month, thematically, week over week, according to these hormonal ratios, with the intention to just do extra, pass teach your lifestyles; I name it "in-physique time administration". The third factor is, i need you to start to leverage your physique as a vigor instrument. And i would like you to reply the query that none of my patients can ever reply the first time I ask it of them, which is: if I were to wave a magic wand and restore your physique to best vitality what would you do with that vigor? How would you be a change agent on the earth? If which you could begin to answer that query, then we can quite step into our roles as leaders as women. So, ladies supply birth via the body. The most important act of our iteration of women is going to be to be in a partnership with the body, to no longer go away it out.And i particularly want to see you’re keen on your girl constituents, turn out to be your life, and alter the world. I am Alisa Vitti. It can be been an honor. (Applause) .

[glennlovell]

My Tragedy to Triumph Story

I recently watched a video online about the adversity and tragedy that Keanu Reeves has gone through in his life, yet despite all of it how he’s gone on to achieve massive success and is one of the biggest charitable stars in Hollywood. Now I’m sure he doesn’t act the victim with any of this stuff himself, the creators of this video were merely using his story as an example of how you can still succeed even in the face of adversity…

Here’s what the video said…

Tragedy to triumph the Keanu Reeves Story.

He was three years old when his father left. After his parents divorced they moved from City to City. He attended 4 different high Schools and struggled with Dyslexia. He eventually left without a diploma. His ‘struggles’ continued. At the age of 23 he lost his best friend to a drug overdose. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, his girlfriend gave birth to their daughter who was stillborn. Due to the grief of losing their daughter, they split up, 18 months later she died in a car accident. Despite all of the tragedies, Keanu kept pushing forward. He went on to dominate the box office with the film The Matrix. But probably the most important of all, he is known as one of the most charitable in Hollywood. At one point he gave £80 million of his £114 million earnings from the Matrix to the film crew. With all the tragedy he has dealt with, Keanu still decides to make this world a better place by caring and giving. So the question to you is, how are you going to respond to what life throws at you?

This got me thinking, thinking about my own life and the adversity I’ve endured specifically during my childhood but also in later years during my business life that led to success, but more importantly all that I witnessed my mother go through. The strength she’s had to somehow maintain throughout her life, to continue on, to grow and somehow learn something, anything at all from everything she suffered. To try understand and make some semblance of sense out of it all. By sharing my story with you my hope is to pass on some valuable life lessons to you in the process.

Here’s my tragedy to triumph story.

It starts with the cliché of my Dad leaving when I was a year old. Cliché maybe, but it’s true none the less. I was brought up living in various council estates and before I reached secondary School we had lived in eight different council flats across the City. I moved Schools five times before we eventually settled in the house I grew up in as a teenager. By that time my initial education was fucked and I walked into secondary School without even knowing my times tables. I’m by no means blaming my Mother for this because ultimately a lot of what happened was dictated by the circumstances she found herself in.

We lived in a very humble environment of council housing, even though I can’t say I ever felt like we went without, my parents struggled financially most of my life but somehow managed to feed and clothe us and always do us proud at Christmas and Birthday’s, BUT at a massive cost of huge debt to themselves.

I’m the eldest brother of seven immediate related siblings, let me explain. Lee, my first brother was born four years after me to another father. A man who was violent and used to beat my mother up. I have very vague memories of these events as I was still young at the time, but I do recall various incidents when he was aggressive with her and somehow those occasions have left an indelible mark upon me that has ensured I have never hurt or hit a woman in my life.

Although, I’m sure this has more to do with my mother’s stern vociferous education in how to treat a woman, in that ‘if I ever hit or hurt one I would have her to deal with!’, a threat that loomed large when I was younger, I can assure you. I am hugely grateful for this as an adult now though, as witnessing these acts of domestic violence could’ve quite easily had the opposite effect on me as it has with so many others.

Fast forward a few years and my mother had met another man who she has remained with ever since. A kind, generous and as giving a man as you’re ever likely to meet. They had their first son together, Andrew.

Andrew was only a few months old when tragedy struck. My brother Lee was knocked down and killed by a car whilst he was playing outside our flat when he was just four years old. Please understand, it was a different time then, it wasn’t uncommon for young children to be playing outside by themselves. I was eight years of age and I witnessed him lying in the road, blood pouring from his head. This is an image that will never leave me. Lee wasn’t killed instantly, he died in transit on the way to the hospital. The impact of the car had broken his ribs which punctured his lungs and he succumbed to these injuries by drowning in his own blood. Andrew, was merely a few months old when this happened so he never really got to meet Lee.

The loss of Lee had a massive impact on me and my life. He was my brother. My best friend. We played together all the time. Now he was gone and I couldn’t really comprehend or fully understand why at the time. My final - and has since become - repetitive memory of him is of us both waiting in the car one day, whilst our Mum was in the Dr’s surgery and we had a fight over a ball. I hurt him and made him cry and the feeling of guilt from this has lived with me ever since. I know we were kids and it’s what’s brothers do, but it still doesn’t change the fact that that’s remained my most prominent memory of my time with him.

Rightly or wrongly as I’m still unsure after all these years, I visited him in the chapel of rest prior to his funeral to see him off and say our goodbyes. I remember looking at him and hoping he would simply wake up. As an eight year old boy, to me, he looked like he was sleeping and he could just wake up at any moment.

The funeral was horrific. I can recall it in great detail even now, but specifically because my Mum broke down as they were lowering his coffin into the grave. She fell to her knees and was trying to claw her way to the grave to stop the coffin, whilst family members held her back. It was as if she didn’t believe he was dead and wanted to open the casket and he’ll be in there somehow alive still. This memory destroys me as I write and makes me cry even thinking about it. The hopelessness of not being able to do anything to help my Mum. Even at such a young age I felt somehow responsible and wanted to take my Mums pain away.

A couple years later my next sibling, Katie was born. My first sister.

For some reason my mother always harbored a yearning for two boys and two girls, so they tried for another baby not long after having Katie and her desire was fulfilled as she gave birth to another girl, Gemma.

She was set; two boys, two girls notwithstanding losing Lee of course. But little did we realise the joy of this baby was to be very short lived, as Gemma died of cot death two weeks following birth. I can vividly remember my step-dad almost falling down the stairs whilst clutching her in his arms as he was frantically trying to get help for her.

Not too long after grieving for the loss of Gemma, and I can only assume my Mum wanted to fill the void of that loss as quickly as she could, she decided to try again. This time she was carrying a boy. All was going well during the pregnancy until within an hour before he was due to be born, Guy which he was named, was stillborn.

Back to back, two of my mothers babies, taken from her with a combined eighteen months of pregnancy, and the gap of trying to conceive in-between of course. Not forgetting losing her second son, my brother Lee, to the car accident years before, this was now three of six children my Mum gave birth to all died under completely different but extremely heartbreaking circumstances and within a window of approximately eight years.

A shocking chain of events is an understatement. It beggars belief doesn’t it?

You would be quite right and forgiven for thinking that all of this should’ve been enough for her. That enough was enough right? No more trying for anymore Children. The pain is too raw. To my mind, how the hell could anyone endure so much pain and suffering, yet potentially put themselves through it all over again.

But that’s exactly what she did, she wouldn’t give in or quit. She still wanted her two boys and two girls. She fell pregnant and again her wish was granted, she had another daughter, Samantha.

Samantha was born with Down Syndrome!

Sammy Lou as we affectionately called her had many complications at birth, from hole’s in her heart to the tubes of her heart needing repair as is a very common occurrence with children born with Trisomy 21.

Now I’m sure you’re reading all this in disbelief and shock and probably feeling very sorry for my mother right about now. All those losses of children to emotionally contend with and now the ‘burden’ of a child born with Down Syndrome. Please don’t though. Sammy was an absolute blessing more than anything else, as she brought an amazing sense of balance and purpose to my Mum and Dad’s life.

Not that any of the other children could be replaced of course, but Sammy was a gift for my Mum and she certainly become an antidote to her grief and in a small way filled the void of her losses. She was a light to be around and could sense when any of us weren’t feeling yourself or if we were upset. She would sit and lay into my chest to comfort me as if she knew what I needed when I needed it the most.

My fondest memories of Sam is when she would lay on me when she was very young and I would sing into her ear, she loved it as much as I did doing it. Her favourite song for me to sing to her was Metallica’s Enter Sandman. It always helped me forget and ease the troubles of my day away. She had that magic effect on me and everyone she came into contact with.

Like a proverbial kick in the teeth, and I’m sure you’re not going to believe this next sentence, but we’ve since lost Sammy too. She lived until she was twenty one, but eventually succumbed to heart complications associated with her conditions at birth. That being said, she died a lot earlier than we expected.

In her few short years she lived a wonderfully fulfilled and fully loved life. As much as it’s painful to think about her, I am grateful for the time I got to share with her. The memories I have can never be taken. Her warmth and love was unquestioning, unconditional and without judgement. It’s a love you can never fully understand until you have a child with Down Syndrome in your life. Of which I too also have myself now, but more on him later.

For now, I want you to understand that this is the adversity I lived through as an eldest son and brother. Spectating, enduring and living a part of these individually horrific ordeals throughout my entire upbringing. Witnessing firsthand the feelings of huge grief surrounding circumstances of trauma, loss, pain and suffering of my mother losing four of her children, each one a brother and sister to me.

As a father myself now and knowing the huge depth of love you feel for your own children, when I take the time to think about all of this I literally cannot fathom the scale and enormity of the loss that my mother endured in her one and only lifetime.

If just one of these deaths and I mean literally just ONE of these child loses were to occur to any parent I’m sure it would be enough to crush them, but to lose four of your Children, each one carried in your womb for nine months, is quite simply devastating beyond comprehension and belief and makes you question the very meaning of faith; faith in a god, faith in a higher power and of all things ‘happening for a reason’. Because what possible reason did this one lady, my mother need to be put through all of that pain and suffering for? What lesson was she and all of us supposed to learn from it?

Even though I lived each moment of this with my parents and the deep profound impact I know it’s had on me and my personality, I know I can never fully comprehend my mothers pain and sorrow and what it would do to me if it was anyone of my Children.

But throughout all of that pain and suffering that it’s caused her over the years and the huge emotional grief and mental scars it’s left, she still stands tall after enduring everything. She was and is still available to anyone of us, at any time, day or night even through some of her own recent illness’s, she listens intently and when shit hits the fan, she offers advice as best she knows how and has never, never rightly or wrongly sought any form of counseling throughout any of it. Now that’s strength of character!

And yet somehow none of this has broken her. She’s still quietly standing after all these years and has raised the bar for the rest of us when it comes to strength under adversity and dealing with whatever the fuck life throws at us; quite simply we don’t fold, we don’t give in, we keep moving forward, because that’s how life is. As far as I’m concerned, she’s a fucking hero.

So let me put that earlier question to you again here, how are you going to respond to what life throws at you? When life gets tough. When life takes a turn and throws a huge fucking curveball in your direction and turn’s your world upside down, because I can guarantee that it’s going to one way or another, it always does or if it already has and you’re struggling to pull yourself back from it, will you let it be the breaking of you or the fucking making of you?

I can only hope that this story, my mothers story will give you some sense of perspective, that anything you might be going through right now, may not be as bad as you think. It may not be as bad as what you’ve just read. If so, you can call upon my little story, maybe in your hour of need and hopefully in some small way it helps you in your moment of grief. Or even if you are going through something just as traumatic in your life right now, let this be a reminder that you’re not alone. There’s others you can confide in. Others who have endured huge suffering and come out the other side. My hope is that one day, maybe one day someone will say to themselves and it may well be you, ‘what would Debbie do’?

Because you’ve got to keep moving forward. Everyday. Moving forward. You’ve got to find a way. Take each day as it comes. Regardless of the pain and suffering, light does, eventually always finds a way.

As the Winston Churchill quote says, ‘if you’re going through hell, keep going’

[batterymonster2021]

Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

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Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

Translator: Monika Kapuscinska Reviewer: Reiko Bovee I’ve waited all day to get my fingers on you. So, I want to take you again to where I used to be about 14 years in the past. I used to be a scholar at Johns Hopkins university, and i used to be able to start my lifestyles, I was planning to become OB/GYN. And my physique, all of a sudden, went into total hormonal crumple. And as a consequence, so did my existence, completely dysfunctional. I couldn’t get up, could not fall asleep, couldn’t have any vigour.It was a non-stop nightmare to get up no longer recognizing your self and now not knowing the best way to live within the body that you simply had. I need you to snapshot me. I particularly do want you to appear. (Laughter) I was once 200 kilos. I know, proper? Protected face, chest, back, arms, anyplace that you would put, in painful cystic pimples. It would take me half of an hour in the morning of cautious uncomfortable application of make-up to take a look at to go outside. I used to be depressed; I was exhausted; i would menstruate as soon as a yr, and no one had any concept what used to be incorrect with me. It had been getting gradually worse from concerning the age of 15.And i was once getting more and more curious and annoyed. And in one in all my insomniac moments I was on the library, of course, science nerd, attractive scientist, i would like to say. Researching in one of the crucial obstetrics journals. And i saw this small gain knowledge of on a disorder referred to as Stein-Leventhal sickness. It was once named after the gentleman who categorized this grouping of symptoms. I mentioned, "Oh my god, I fit this description to a tee." So I felt very naughty, however I ripped off the report, and the next morning I very vigorously marched into my gynecologist place of business.With out an appointment, of course, very first thing within the morning, i’m like, "hello, so I think I just figured out what’s been unsuitable with me for the final seven years, and i’d like a transvaginal ultrasound correct now!" She looked at me, "How have you learnt what that is?" and i stated, "Let’s do that confirmatory test and let’s examine." I mentioned, "i am no longer leaving here except we do it." So we did it. And she said, "look at that! You do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Actually, you have been right!" And being a now-what-resolution form of lady I said, "So now what? What can we do?" "Now i know what it’s subsequently! Now what?" She said, "well…" and i’ll on no account overlook sitting in that chair in her place of job.She said, "you’ve a future laid out ahead of you of obesity, diabetes, infertility, heart sickness, and melanoma. And we are going to medicate you alongside the best way, so do not worry." and that i keep in mind sitting in that chair. And it wasn’t out of anger, or a way of victimhood; there used to be no fight; it was just on a mobile degree; my entire being stated, "No, thank you," and that i mentioned to her, "thanks very so much on your opinion. I’m going to take my very expensively knowledgeable Hopkins intellect and go figure this out." So that is what I did. And that i apprenticed myself with all forms of healers, and i was doing all forms of fun experiments. I had became orange from drinking so much carrot juice at one factor. My lady friend at the moment – she’s nonetheless my exceptional friend – she grabbed me and he or she mentioned, "you may have turned orange. It’s time to stop this test." And "I have got to conclude this test!" (Laughter) None of these experiments made any change in my symptoms in any respect.After which, about ten years in the past, what was coming to the forefront in nutritional science was this concept of dietary genomics that you just might use meals to manipulate gene expression. Oh, I was once so became on through this. I mentioned, good if that’s possible, if food could make a decision– you recognize, in a set of twins, if the diet in one twin can come to a decision how her health goes to take place versus her identical twin with a further weight loss plan, one of a kind disorders, what am i able to do with meals to recalibrate my hormonal system? And that is once I dove into my study and studied functional treatment, opted-out, freaked out my mum and dad, didn’t end up a health care provider, and rather became a realistic nutritionist and developed this 5-step dietary protocol that rebooted my whole endocrine process as you will find how wonderful I appear now.(Applause) (Laughter) And opened my center in mid-town new york 9 years in the past and started treating other women with equivalent conditions: menstrual disorders, fertility disorders, low energy, low libido. They usually’d come into my core, limping with these issues, periods out of whack, could not get pregnant if they’ve tried 17 times, cannot perform, can’t remember the last time when they suggestion about intercourse, or pleasure, or anything. And in a similar way, their lives have been also untethered, uncentered; they weren’t, they didn’t have their core factor. And we might practice the protocol, and their wellbeing disorders would resolve themselves, miraculous things for me as a scientist, like a lady with no interval for 17 years she’d must go to the healthcare professional as soon as a yr to be precipitated with progesterone to have a bleed.She menstruates month-to-month now. And we are close acquaintances, I just find that entire story so interesting. One more lady got here in on delivery manage, on Prozac, in a job she hated, in a relationship she hated. We acquired her off all of these medications, of direction, with the help of her doctor, and six months later she wrote me and he or she said, "by the way, feeling nice," – that was a given – and stated, "Moved to L.A. And have gotten my first screenwriter job, and the exhibit that i’m writing for is now being in syndication." Love that. One other girl had two firms, had all variety of matters occurring in her lifestyles, exclusive Pilates clients in the big apple, very fancy, had her possess studio in Greenwich, Connecticut; husband was in transition in his career.And she used to be having erratic cycles. She’s in her mid-30s. We utilized the protocol to her body. And comfortably – that is the phase that I form of get thinking about – without difficulty, her physique restored itself. Remember that sport, connect 4? I love that sport, I used to play that at all times with my brother. So, you know, her entire life simply began lining up. She effortlessly let go of these customers in ny, allowed one in all her companions on the studio to take on more responsibility. And she realized that she had been striking off having a baby for some distance too long, and used to be able to conceive naturally for this reason of the work which used to be so entertaining to look.And, of course, being any one who’s inquisitive about biology, i like the idea that she used to be treatment herself of those symptoms, all of these females. But the larger discovery was once that if a woman is in line, in alignment, in harmony with that inner ecosystem that she has, that starts to impregnate the ecology of her complete life. With this concept of transformation; your physique is a change agent.After which that can begin to have an effect on the relaxation of your existence. So enjoyable. And that is once I fell in love; I said, "Oh, my God." right here we are, we are walking around with these blueprints in our our bodies that tell us how one can reside and work in a way that’s within the glide of our our bodies. And if we are able to emerge as fluent in the language of our biochemistry, and our physiology, this grouping of glands and organs – that I like to call girl ingredients – that we are able to have access to a limiteless source of energy, and vitality, and clarity, and unwavering purpose. I imply I was once entirely hooked. So, Aldous Huxley as soon as said that man is an intelligence basically in servitude to his organs. And that i notion, that’s sad, that we seem at being in our bodies as this style of slavery centered entice that we have to take care of.And i have rather instead determined that ladies who get into partnership with their bodies end up becoming the fullest expression of themselves, and living as leaders and alter retailers in their lives and communities. So let me introduce you to your woman components. I just are not able to help myself. If i am on stage i will speak about girl elements, i’m going to tell you about them. I would like you to as a minimum go residence realizing what they are. (Laughter) Nothing else. So, there are two things i want you to grasp. First is the physiological constitution on your physique referred to as the endocrine system.Six glands. Hypothalamus within the midbrain, pituitary gland nestled shut by, thyroid, right here, pancreas, here, adrenals, here, ovaries, right here. They work in an interconnected means making sure that your body has what it desires to function: brain, coronary heart, muscle, tissue, hormones. Interesting. They usually’re so totally sensitive. Hypothalamus works with this thing referred to as terrible bio-feedback so any time that something happens, the temperature changes outside, hypothalamus picks that up, pituitary gland sends a message to the thyroid, all of the sudden, you’re adjusting to the temperature. You did not have got to do a factor. You had been purely having fun with the weather. Love that. Genius. Simplest in a physique would that happen. Anyway, then there may be this physiological structure: your hormonal ratios; you’ve got four of them that occur in one month cycle. And it’s really interesting, seeing that we handiest ever reference that in an extraordinarily common approach: "I need to get pregnant," or "i do not wish to get pregnant." that is how we reference these hormonal ratios.The ovulation one is kind of probably the most famous. And the period, the menstrual phase is essentially the most notorious. However there are 4. There are a few others. So i would like you to to believe about where you are in that cycle. And listed here are the four phases. First you have got the follicular phase, intriguing segment. And neurochemically these hormonal ratios change your brain chemistry. So you’re an extra man or woman, week over week within a month. Yeah, you realize. (Laughter) In that follicular segment, where the eggs are sort of coming up to maturity; one is going to make it to the Fallopian tube, very exciting time. (Laughter) Neurochemically talking, you will have the most access to creative energy that you’re going to have the whole month. With no trouble. This is a ideal time to start new tasks: mastermind, plan, dream giant, all of that. Within the ovulatory segment, which we all know very good, so i am not going to dive into it. Within the ovulatory section, we now have the quality verbal exchange advantage and essentially the most vigor that we can have all of the month. That is absolutely a time to have important conversations.Would it be genius in case you might plan to ask for a raise when you are ovulating? (Laughter) Whoever is making an attempt not to provide the lift is like, "Please take the cash. You’re so irresistible." (Laughter) Or go on a primary date, or have an principal dialog along with your companion. Or inform your mother some thing you really want her to say yes to. You are just a magnet at that time. In a luteal phase, B vitamins are being referred to as into action, for the reason that the lining is thickening, and it’s a very energized system. But we grow to be very element oriented right now. So that shoe closet you could not get to prepare earlier than, this is the week. Detail oriented tasks are very effortless to do. Are attempting not to plan them in the different two weeks. In the fourth phase, the menstrual segment, that is the time of the month while you certainly have essentially the most energetic dialog between the proper and the left hemispheres of the brain.So powerful! So, if you’re watching into course correct, review your lifestyles in the past 30 days, how you did this month, this often is the time to do it. You’re most able to receive these intestine feeling body messages. So, take observe, take a second to take observe at the moment. Gloria Steinem mentioned, when she was once speakme concerning the movie, "omit illustration" which i love, she said, "women are taught to view their bodies as unending tasks to work on, whereas, boys from a younger age are taught to view their our bodies as instruments to master their environment." I literally fell off my chair once I heard her say that. When you consider that isn’t that the reality? We, as women, get on this hamster wheels of self-development and self sabotage. And we don’t study about these most important, actual bodily buildings in our our bodies that give us this blueprint to easy methods to arrange our lives. I imply, in case you virtually adhere to the map you be trained precisely what you will have to consume, while you should consume it, the way you should move your physique, the way you must prepare social commitments, work priorities.It is all laid out for you. You don’t have got to feel, or do, or push, or wrestle. It is simply there for you. And regrettably, the atmosphere is somewhat bit gaining knowledge of us right now. Lady’s bodies are in hormonal breakdown in epidemic proportions. I consider it is 20 million females within the Unites States suffer from endometriosis, fibroid, PCOS… In 2009, 1.Forty two billion bucks were spent on infertility cures. Premiums of idiopathic "no-identified" cause of infertility are on the upward thrust in each men and females. Cancers of the reproductive organs are on the rise in men and females. Drugs are being prescribed, left and proper, for therapy of things that do not particularly want medication, but quite desire a systemic strategy. And it is usually interesting, on the grounds that we’re additionally in an extraordinarily equally fascinating old moment, the place we now have the most energy economically and as the greatest client demographic than now we have ever had before.Which you could actually vote along with your dollars to say to corporate america, "hello, i might like you to customized-fit an environment for me." "i might love to peer more maternal care there." So, at the core we want to empower as many ladies as can to study this language, and leverage their our bodies as a software. So, I need to provide the three matters that we instruct every body. The first is you need to fall in love.You must be taught what these ingredients do and the best way to consume to support them, so they are able to perform optimally for you. The 2d factor is that you just need to commit, decide to this new relationship with your physique. I want you to devise your month, thematically, week over week, according to these hormonal ratios, with the intention to just do extra, pass teach your lifestyles; I name it "in-physique time administration". The third factor is, i need you to start to leverage your physique as a vigor instrument. And i would like you to reply the query that none of my patients can ever reply the first time I ask it of them, which is: if I were to wave a magic wand and restore your physique to best vitality what would you do with that vigor? How would you be a change agent on the earth? If which you could begin to answer that query, then we can quite step into our roles as leaders as women. So, ladies supply birth via the body. The most important act of our iteration of women is going to be to be in a partnership with the body, to no longer go away it out.And i particularly want to see you’re keen on your girl constituents, turn out to be your life, and alter the world. I am Alisa Vitti. It can be been an honor. (Applause) .