#but most of the time its crazy how little anything outwardly changes in my life when i'm having a rough mental go

[zincbot]

i don't even know what's going on in here (my brain)

[lizacstuff]

Hoşgeldiniz SCK/EDSER Anons!

Lots of people wanted to talk about lots of things after episode 32 and the episode 33 fragman. Fragman asks are at the end. 

Let’s get started!

(asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: The latest episode of SCK was a great step in the right direction for Eda & Serkan’s relationship but there is still a lot of work to do. They had a ton of scenes together which was a significant improvement not to mention solids conversations. Them working together to save the presentation was perfect. But how on earth are we four episodes into the Serkan & Selin relationship with no end in sight? 🤦🏻‍♀️Yikes! At least Selin is finally realizing that she will never be the woman for Serkan but real progress would be him realizing that. Hopefully he will finally take that step in the next episode!

I hear you! The funny thing is I’m fine with the pace on everything except with Selin. She is driving me CRAZY.  It is excruciating to watch her scheme and fool Serkan episode after episode!  Yes, he’s suffering from amnesia and probably Stockholm syndrome after she trapped him in that cabin and brainwashed him, yes she’s a childhood friend and he doesn’t remember her going off the deep end, but he’s free now, he’s seeing first hand that Eda is not what Selin told him she was, he’s getting other people’s perspective, he needs to question Selin a whole lot more than he has done. 

Let’s hope there’s a development coming soon (more discussion at the end of this post in regards to the Fragman) that will push her out the door (off a cliff?) 

Anonymous said: Do you think Serkan learning that Deniz & Eda are fake engaged to make him jealous is going to hurt or help the current situation? I feel like it should show him that she never stopped fighting for him but at the same time the show still has him acting very cruel at times. It could easily cause him to pick a quick wedding date with Selin as well or some other way to publicly humiliate Eda. Honestly I am hoping Eda tells Deniz that the fake engagement show is over early in the next episode and then have Serkan constantly trying to spend time with her to find out more. The fake engagement has run its course & Deniz needs to go!

Sing it!!!  I have several asks along these lines, and I agree that the fake engagement has run it’s course and Deniz needs to go. The good thing is that I think Eda is aware of that now.

I get the fear that Serkan will feel manipulated when he finds out Deniz and Eda is fake, and he may, and if he does he might use it as a lever to try and keep some distance between Eda and himself, but I think he will mostly be relieved. No matter what his feelings are for her, think how happy he’ll be that she couldn’t really move on that quickly from him and that she didn’t give up and was fighting for them in her own way.

I think the fake engagement definitely had it’s uses. It’s pushed Serkan in ways he needs to be pushed. It’s made him outwardly curious about his past relationship with Eda. It made him experience jealousy he didn’t understand. I think Serkan sleeping in the office clutching her wedding invitation is proof that it gave him a lot to think about and at least made him question why he was so affected by it. 

Here’s where I think Eda has gone wrong, she’s doing all of this to get Serkan to remember and when he doesn’t it crushes her, when she should be paying attention to the fact that he’s falling back in love with her even without the memories. She should be trying to connect with him more in those moments when he’s vulnerable with her. 

The coffee shop scene is a perfect example. They’re both drawn there, he doesn’t know why. When she sees him you can see her mind working, that maybe he remembers, and when he doesn’t, she just sinks. She’s near tears that entire conversation. I’m sure it was extremely painful for her, but he’s sitting there opening up to her and instead of encouraging him to talk more or maybe offering him some answers, she gets up and leaves. If she’d stayed, they probably would have talked for hours. 

Anonymous said: Do you think that Eda getting fakeengaged to Deniz was the wrong move? Am I being very unfair to her when I think this? Like I know Serkan is engaged to Selin and he's doing this even though he's not in love her, but he did experience amnesia and is genuinely confused at what has gone on in his life. Whenever he does have some breakthrough moments, like when he was questioning her in that cabin , she reiterates that she's with Deniz now and he's with Celine - I feel like that's the wrong move.

I think she’s made some missteps, yes, and you pointed out the biggest. 

Here’s the thing, though, Serkan is like a scared little rabbit and Eda is holding out her hand with some lettuce trying to get the wee scared rabbit to come and nibble on it. Any wrong or sudden move and he’s going to scamper away! She’s afraid if he knows she’s available and still in love with him he’s going to freak out and run far, far away from her. The problem is she’s so cautious, that when she finally succeeds and he nibbles the lettuce (opens up and becomes vulnerable with her) she’s the one that retreats!

Poor babies. 

That moment in the cabin felt like such a lost opportunity. Serkan was asking about their relationship, he was genuinely interested in learning more. And he sounded hurt when he asked about her giving up on him, which we know is a deep-seated fear of his, people abandoning him-- and there are so many things she could have done there to throw him a bone, but instead she doubled down on Deniz and Selin. Even if she would have ignored Deniz and just said, but you are with Selin, to drive home the fact that it’s him who gave up, but unfortunately she didn’t do that.  

Anonymous said: I need Eda to lose it, confess about fake engagement, tell Serkan shes done trying to make him remember their love while he's happy with someone else because it just hurts too much so she needs to leave him and all these fake people behind and just go to Italy. Then Serkan can chase her (following her to Italy would be nice) and 33 can be our 11.

I’m onboard. I would love to see Serkan chasing her down again!

Anonymous said: I don't even care about Deniz from a love triangle standpoint but it is very sad for Eda that this longtime childhood friend that she trusts so much is working with the enemy behind her back. No matter what his ulterior motives are, it will be devastating for her to realize this. And Ceren is now super bitchy to her so Melo is literally her only real friend right now. I wish they could give us some Eda/Ferit scenes or something because they /could/ connect over all things Serkan/Selin/CerenI

I agree, it’s super sad to see how alone Eda is in all of this and to find out that this childhood friend who became a source of strength for her when Serkan was missing is actually capable of conspiring against her is devastating. I really don’t understand him, he doesn’t seem unbalanced or desperate like Selin, you’d think he’d know that he can’t force Eda to love him when she’s in love with someone else. Also I’m now on board with the theory that he was purposely not as helpful in the search for Serkan as he pretended to be. It was all performative, not substantive. Eda put her trust in the wrong person. 

Thankfully she has Melo. What a terrible time for Fifi to have left and Ceren to have lost the thread.  I agree I’d like to see some Ferit/Eda scenes, we know he would at least sincerely care about her and how she’s doing because he’s just that kind. 

Anonymous said: Please can you explain to me why serkan keeps changing his attitude with eda? He jumps from eda to selin every episode and it's very frustrating. At the beginning of the ep he was like "you're not in my past or my future" and by the end of the ep he say "You gave up on me" come on serkan ily but boy make up your mind, one minute you don't want anything to do with her and the next minute you're making eyes at her...

This a pretty easy one to answer. The answer is because he’s suffering from trauma, PTSD, a brain injury, he has amnesia, he’s being manipulated by his oldest friend and is being lied to by the person he remembers as his girlfriend and all of a sudden he’s having powerful feelings for this strange woman that he doesn’t understand.  I firmly believe that the reason we hear Serkan say in episodes 18 and 20 that he never loved Selin, is because he never loved Selin, but he didn’t know that until he met Eda.  Before Eda, I don’t think he believed in love or thought much about it. If asked he might have said he loved Selin because he didn’t know better.  So now he’s once again experiencing something powerful he didn’t know existed, compounded by all these other factors and it’s freaking him the fuck out!  

The comment about you’re not in my past or my future was a reaction to whatever powerful feeling or recollection that made him say, “nobody touches you but me.”  It scared him.  And also, not for nothing, he apologized for being hard on her, something old Serkan NEVER did.

Most of the times he “jumped” to Selin in this episode were 100% in reaction to being confronted with Deniz and Eda’s relationship.  In the office he witnesses Eda and Deniz all affectionate so when Selin comes in, in front of Eda he greets her warmly.  When they’re outside the bungalows, Eda throw in his face that she’s so glad to be with Deniz now, so he throws a compliment at Selin.  Deniz tells him he’s glad he almost died in a plane crash and has amnesia so Eda can actually finally be happy, (enough can’t be said about how awful that would be to hear, so fuck you Deniz) so he throws his energy into Selin at their party. 

Every time he “changed” his attitude it was a reaction. 

When he had just had a very positive experience with Eda, helping her with the presentation and their ride back to the hotel, he has zero patience for Selin and let her stomp off without even a look. When Selin was trying to get his attention later, he had no interest.  

So, yes, while he was hot and cold, there was also a bit of rhyme to that reasons. 

Anonymous said: I liked this episode but at times it seemed like the writers wanted to do everything to make me hate Serkan. With serkan kissing selin on the cheek, hugging selin, making heart eyes at her and throwing a surprise birthday party for her. And I'm not even talking about all those bad words he says to eda. I think it's too much. I know what they're trying to do with serkan but I think that trying to do too much will end up making the character of serkan unbearable for the audience.

Okay, but why aren’t you paying attention to any of the good things? How can you hate Serkan when he sleeps on his office couch clutching her wedding invitation, and scrubs his face not understanding why she’s gotten so far under his skin? Or when he’s so confused sitting in a coffee shop and he doesn’t know why, but feels at peace? Or when he drops everything to rush back to the office to help Eda. When he brings her coffee and calls her boss? When he looks so proud of her as she does the presentation. When he looks like a big sweet Golden Retriever after she hugs him? When he playfully tackles her while having a snowball fight.  When he leaves Selin right as she’s making her birthday wish to go find Eda. He didn’t even ask if she wanted to help (which a sane, kind person would want to join everyone else in searching) he just bolted because Eda was in trouble. Then he carried her to safety and lit a fire and tended to her injuries. Does all of that make you hate him?

Is that “hateable” behavior. 

I mean if it’s in your personality to only see the negative, okay, but life is much better when you don’t discount everything positive just to sate your desire to live in a dark place and only see the worst in people. 

Anonymous said: eda & serkan are just so.. ahsjdkfd. such frustrating characters (whom i love but wanna knock them both in the head). everything they did with deniz & selin or when it came to their arguments was in reaction to what the other did. that's why i don't think this fake engagement thing is gonna work, bc if he's constantly being told by eda & deniz how happy they are, i dont think he's gonna be up front with this feelings. outside of eda leaving (like ep 11) i dont think a proper confession will come

Yes, I will give you that. THEY ARE FRUSTRATING!!!!!  I agree that usefulness of the engagements have worn off both from a character perspective and a narrative perspective.  

As I said above, I think the Deniz thing has served a bit of a purpose, but it’s now officially doing more harm that good and that shit-stain needs to leave ASAP. 

Anonymous said:  I was going to give a chance to these people who didn't care enough about Eda & Serkan in episode 29 but now 4 eps later, Selin has integrated back into the scene disturbingly well. Ferit is still the only one we've seen confronting her and Melo has been very supportive but that has not changed since 29 so development for other characters caring about EdSer has not improved in my opinion. They have accepted it :( And its actually worse now bc of Deniz. Aydan starting to feel bad does not count.

Oh I agree, they can all rot as far as I’m concerned, Piril is particularly disgusting to me.  

You know, having said that, part of me thinks, even from Piril and Ferit’s first conversations with Selin, that they all just know it’s a matter of time until Serkan realizes he belongs with Eda. Like none of them are doing anything because they’ve witnessed over and over Serkan’s inability to stay away from her and assume the situation will play itself out and they just need to let it be?  I would prefer to think this rather than any of them (other than Piril) being okay with Selin’s psycho behavior. 

The other problem is that Serkan is such an authoritative figure to all of them. None of them, other than Eda, know how to question him. Did you see Engin, he’s too scared to tell Serkan they lost a client when he had nothing to do with the reason why? He has balls of Styrofoam. Kinda stands to reason that none of those gutless wonders are going to try and make him see the light when he’s so obstinately trying to not be the person they all told him he turned into with Eda. 

For Aydan, while I will still never forgive her for keeping Serkan’s whereabouts a secret, she might be treading lightly because she knows Serkan tends to do the opposite of what she tells him to do.  If she pushes too hard for Eda, he might start reacting against that. 

Anonymous said: Serkan's change of attitude between day and night is really disturbing. The whole progression between him and eda is destroyed each time. At the end of the episode we always find ourselves back at the starting point with zero progression. At this point it's really tiring, they should stop it or at least take Selin out of the equation (also why selin and serkan are still engaged ? at this point is ridiculous).

While I agree that Selin needs to be out of the equation and her presence is beyond tiring, I disagree that their progression is destroyed each time. They really don’t start at zero.

Do you think they get to the point where they were in this episode without everything that came before? Having a couple of deep and real conversations, where Serkan is vulnerable, having Serkan leaving the hotel to come and help Eda? Calling her boss and working together as a seamless team? Him hugging her back? Him asking deep and sincere question about how she could move on and give up on him?

That would not have happened in prior episodes.  I assume you feel like a deep moment happens and the next interaction they act like it didn’t? That is partly true, but I think it’s both of them protecting themselves, so after a particularly close moment they boomerang back.  Serkan is being pushed out of comfort zones he didn’t even know he had. So yes he retreats after being vulnerable. Eda is at her emotional limits and she still has that pride. However, while that’s true that they do take a step back after a big moment, it’s also true that the next time they have a real moment, a big moment, it goes deeper than the last.  They all build on one another. 

So there is progression and they are building something. His feelings for sure are much different than they were in 29/30. He’s in a vastly different place, he’s recognizing that he has feelings for Eda to the point that he’s sleeping on his office couch clutching her wedding invitation.  The progress is slow, but it’s happening, just like the first time around, when they’d take a step forward and then one of them would freak out and pull back a bit.  

Anonymous said: It was a good episode but I still don't understand why writers keep on writing things that aren't necessary (aydan and ayfer killing alex plus all of theirs scenes together that are boring by the way, the scenes between selin and serkan where they are suddenly close, selin and deniz..) we don't need to see that. They should focus more on the trauma that serkan is going through and the way he falls little by little in love with eda with those memories of them that appear to him at the same time.1

They should just take Selin away and get rid of those fake engagement. 2

Well you certainly won’t get any argument from me that we need to get rid of fake engagements and Selin and Deniz. I’m also laughing because we’re all referring to Serkan and Selin’s engagement as fake. That’s because it is.  It’s something Serkan is using as a buffer, and we are now at the point that he doesn’t need it anymore, its only him who needs to realize it. 

As for Alex, Aydan and Ayfer the fact is this show is over 2 hours in length each week and they have to have B and C storylines in order to fill it.  This week it was A/A/A and I got to tell you, I’ve seen worse. If you don’t take it too seriously (which you really shouldn’t take too much on this show seriously, at this point it’s really just a vehicle for Hande and Kerem to work their special brand of magic each week) you can just enjoy the reprieve from Selin and try and enjoy these two ladies’ dynamic and their shenanigans.  Both Alican (Seyfi) and Evrim (Ayfer) previewed on twitter that they laughed so hard while reading episode 33, I assume it has to do with Alex’s “death.” I say bring on the comedy! 

Anonymous said: you know i've seen a lot of talk about how serkan is being "cruel" with eda and i don't agree at all. i mean, when they're bantering, she's giving back just as good as she gets.. and bantering/arguing is kinda their "thing" .. it's like their foreplay lmao. and when she does feel hurt by something he does or says it's not like he's doing it intentionally with the purpose of inflicting her pain. idk.. cruel is a very strong word to use for what the dynamic is between them right now..

Agreed. Remember when the narrative from episode 20-26 was that Eda was being cruel to Serkan and needed to suffer?  There are some people who can’t help but pit the two halves of the whole against each other.  I don’t do that. There’s enough empathy to go around. 

Especially when they’re arguing, as you say Eda gives as good as she gets (that’s why she’s the only match for Serkan, she’s the only one who can go toe to toe with him) and there were also quite a few moments where she was provoking him. As she told him in the shelter, just because they didn’t always agree, didn’t mean there wasn’t love. 

Anonymous said: I see a ton of people cancelling Serkan each week but I think he’s going to cancel himself when he remembers and that’s what will further prolong their reunion/wedding. He drove himself sick with guilt about her parents and he had 0 fault in that, but in this instance, there are things a version of him said and did, even if it was in the wrong state of mind. I hope the writing does this justice.

Me too. While I don’t want to spend episode upon episode with him wallowing and self-flagellating, we are owed a scene of his devastation at what he’s put her through.  He loves her so much it will be very painful when he puts it all together. 

On the other hand, I think he won’t remember enough to be at that point until he’s already admitted he’s in love with her afresh. That might dull the need for him to punish himself too much as he would have fulfilled his promise to fall in love with her if born again. 

jan31: Hi Liza, hope you are well. I am sure you have seen the fragman by now, have you got any idea why Serkan would give Seline 5% of his shares. Is at guilt thing after finding him with Eda? I want to believe he remembers more than he is letting on with her and it's some kind of test, but I think I am clowning! When it comes to love he is clueless but not business. Why would he take away his majority and now be 45%? I am perplexed! Maybe there will be something In the episode that will explain it, as I think this happens near the beginning? Not sure anymore if 33 will be Selines last episode now, maybe they are dragging out the drama a bit longer for ratings, who knows!

I think this is one where we can’t judge it until we actually see what happens.  Serkan has to wise up at some point and giving away 5% of the company (even though its her shares she sold to him when she left town) is very unwise and I find it hard to buy that its something he does because he feels guilty because he got all cuddly with Eda in the cabin.  He’s always been a savvy business man, and her hold on him has only been lessening, not increasing.  

Let’s hope he’s starting to wise up and it’s some sort of test or trap. Unless the new writers just don’t understand who Serkan Bolat is at all. 

Anonymous said: Anyone else need to take several deep breaths after watching that fragman? Everyone is canceled except for Eda, Melo, Ferit (if he knew nothing about the shares) and Serkan (although he is going to seriously make up for his cruelty at some point). I guess the only positive is that it seems like everything that happened in the last 4 episodes is all coming together finally. Eda will hopefully finally figure out what Ceren’s problem is and hopefully also figure out Deniz & Selin are working together. And at least Serkan seems determined to get Eda to admit there is still something between them which has to mean he has finally accepted his feelings for her. Things have been progressing slowly and Selin has been smug for far too long so exciting to think there will be a change.

My thought is we need to wait and see context for all of these things. I have a feeling not everything is as it appears. 

Though one thing I think that is exactly as it appears is Serkan trying to get Eda to admit she has feelings for him. That’s good. That’s really, really good. He’s making a move. He’s bringing the sexual tension. Love to see it. 

Anonymous said: Ok so do you buy the theory that Serkan suspects that Selin sabotaged Eda with that dossier? Because when I first saw him getting that flashback at the hotel, I didn't understand why they needed to show it - maybe just to let us know again that Serkan doubted Eda's work skills since they had been bickering all day? But then I read that the flashback could be to confirm that he knew Selin was present. This could be fans coming up with better ideas than the writers though. :/

I want to buy that theory. I want to buy it lunch and dinner and some wine and flowers and I want it to be true!!!! I also want the 5% shares to be a part of some plan he has to figure out what Selin’s is doing. 

Though... lets not get too far ahead of ourselves, this is just speculation which mostly never happens, however the spoilers have long said that Selin leaves in 33 or 34. For that to happen something drastic has to happen.  There’s also screenshots going around that show that there was definitely a security camera right behind Selin when she got into the network and deleted Eda’s files. So there’s a good chance hard evidence of her perfidy exists. 

Honestly, this makes the most sense to me in getting rid of her (which means it’s probably not true). 

However, if it were true, it would help bolster Serkan’s character a bit. He’s a smart man but they’ve turned him into a fool not suspecting anything about Selin, if he unmasks her himself and takes her down for business reasons and doesn’t care a bit about dumping her personally, it kills a bunch of birds with one stone. It restores his savvy, it gets rid of her, it gets rid of her by his hand so it’s not like the choice was taken away from him, it gives her some consequences and comeuppance without overtaking the plot, and it does all this without advancing the romantic story with Eda too quickly (cause I think they want to milk that a little while longer) 

Also the only other way they get rid of her at this point is if Serkan breaks it off and tells her he’s in love with Eda. And I really need her GONE now and not once Serkan is at the screaming at her about how much he’s in love with Eda stage of this story. 

Anonymous said: Okay so Serkan must have a plan and that is why he gave Selin the shares, right? Or he is doing it to make up for ruining her birthday? It would be great if he was doing it because he finally accepted his feelings for Eda on some level & plans to break up with Selin but feels bad about it. Just very weird that he would give her the shares (which to everyone that cannot read his mind comes off as cementing their future together) while at the same time trying to get Eda to admit her feelings for him.

Yeah, I think we’re all on the same wavelength that something is fishy here. Let’s hope it’s a ploy because Serkan knows Selin has been up to no good. And if so I really, really need Eda to be present for her takedown this time. Girlfriend deserves that. 

Anonymous said: what do you think of this third set of writers? I'm not sure if the episodes have been bad because they were instructed to write this stagnant plot and its not really their fault, or if the scene would've been fine but were just actually written badly. Idk if Im making any sense. I personally refer to 26-27-28 as the "edser renaissance" and was not missing Ayse's team and now I'm sad but idk if it's unfair to the writers if this is more likely the showrunner's idea or something

It’s hard to tell because it’s only been two episode, but I think the DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA seems to be a directive from the producers/network.  However, I think they’ve written some very nice individual scenes. As I’ve said, the scene where Serkan comes back to ArtLife to help Eda is already on my list of favorite scenes ever and there was a lot of goodness besides that. There was the accidental kiss, and arguing (how much did you love Eda sitting with Melo counting down until Serkan came to the coffee room) and the coffee shop and every second in that cabin.  So I guess I disagree with you that the scenes are all bad.  If there’s nothing you like in the episode, maybe go back and just rewatch some of the Edser scenes without having the stench of Selin and Deniz nonsense polluting them, I promise you there’s lots of goodness there. 

[bitchiha]

Can you please make HCS for sasuke, madara and hashirama (naruto too but I want to bother yo😢) and how they'll deal with their pregnant s/o? When the bump start to grow and their mood swings, weird food combinations and pregnancy struggles in general? Also when their s/o becomes 10 times more affectionate with them and is just soft and clingy. Thank you!💞💖💗

A/N: thanks for the request! I know I was a little slow getting to it but man I’m so swamped with life rn lol 😔 uhh also I swapped Madara out bc I felt like I didn’t make it accurate enough and so I physically couldn’t bring myself to post w his headcanons so I subbed naruto in

✎ Pregnant s/o!! (Sasuke, Hashirama, Naruto)

Sasuke Uchiha

!!I’ve done some headcanons for Sasuke + a preg s/o over here before, so His will be a bit shorter!!

He’s surprised when the baby bump actually starts showing because he didn’t actually believe he was going to have kid. So it really starts to settle in at that point.

Will make sure to be extra cautious around you to make sure nothing bad will happen to you or the baby. He’s in full force protective mode, of course he’ll play it cool but know that he’s got your back.

He’s used to his own mood swings, but when you start getting them he’s like?? What do I do? He’ll be tolerant asf though like you can call him every name in the book and then hug him five seconds later and he’ll just be there like: it’s apart of the process I guess. He can really keep his cool through a shocking amount of insults.

When he starts seeing you eating the weirdest food combinations he is confused, but he won’t say anything because he’s already experienced your mood swings and is not about to trigger them again by saying anything. If you offer him some he’ll just say no and back out of the kitchen, he doesn’t really need to get a snack.

Oh boy the clinginess. When it starts to happen he’s a bit shocked, but he assumes it’s apart of the process. (He assumes everything’s apart of the pregnancy process tbh.) I know he lowkey likes it, I know deep down he digs that clingy shit. Of course he won’t outwardly admit that, but the fact that he isn’t putting up a fight at you smothering his face is a good enough sign.

He will probably very sneakily get a book from the library about pregnancy instead of asking someone about it. Over his dead body would he ask someone like Hinata or Sakura about this stuff. So he consults a book, it was difficult bc some of the stuff he was shook to read about, but he managed to finish it.

Once the book’s finished he feels like he’s prepared for any pregnancy struggles you may have. Still somehow manages to internally flip his shit when something happens. He’ll try his best to help though.

Hashirama Senju

He’s so excited when he finds out that you’re gonna have a child together. Like a child of your own that you’ll both raise to be an amazing shinobi. Ugh he’ll be daydreaming about his kid until you actually have the child, then he’s in shambles, but that’s another story.

Will flex the fact that he is gonna have a child to anyone and anything in his path, which is kinda not a good idea. He also tightens security for the house just incase. He will be so protective bc he’s the Hokage and that makes you and the baby more vulnerable to possible attacks.

Probably yaps Madara and Tobiramas ear off because of how much he’ll talk about you and the baby. Like every five seconds he’s like “I’m having a kid lol” and tobiramas just like shut the fuck up (he’s happy for him tho.)

When he first sees the little baby bump he’s so fucking hyped. Like he’ll probably come up to you randomly just to place his hands on it. He’s like “that’s my kid in there wow.” Honestly he’s just so excited like that man is a ball of happiness.

He’s gonna be kinda shook about some of the pregnancy struggles. Like when you start getting mood swings he’s like so confused at first. He just figures it’s cause of the baby and so he’ll try and hug it out. You could have just called him a bunch of names and he’s just gonna be like “shut up let’s just hug it out.”

That usually does the trick and when it doesn’t, he’ll sneak out and let you fume for a bit before he comes back and tries again.

Enjoys the clinginess 100%. Like he loves it. Its a nice change from the bad part of the mood swings. While you’re cuddling he’ll play with your hair and have a hand resting on your belly. Then you’ll both talk about what you want to name the baby if it’s a boy or a girl, what you think they’ll be like, if they’ll have his eyes or you hair. (He prays they have his hair bc let’s be real it’s lucious asf.)

Like idk I feel like I need to emphasize the fact that he really does love the soft clingy side you’ll get. If he’s working a lot he will sometimes bring you to work with him, will let you lay on a couch in his office while he does his work.

He will have to refrain so hard from laughing at the weird cravings you’re having. Like if he walks into the kitchen and sees you eating some next level crazy meal he’s gonna need to back out of the kitchen and calm himself down. Then he’ll walk in and be like “hey honey, whatcha doing?”

Just because you knew he was laughing and what you were eating five seconds ago you’ll force him to eat it with you. Then he’ll be all like “I’m the hokage! I can’t get sick! Not like this, anyways.” Then he sees your face and he’s like: shit. So he ends up eating with you. Will pretend it’s good but he’s dying on the inside.

When you’re too tired to get out of bed some days he’ll definitely try his best to make you feel comfortable. Will use an earth style jutsu to put flowers around the room to entertain you while you’re in bed. He will also make your weird pregnancy craving meals for you while you’re in bed. And yes, he will laugh to himself the whole time while he makes it.

The closer to the pregnancy he gets the more he daydreams about your kid. He’ll get so excited and will think about all the things he’s gonna teach them.

Naruto Uzumaki

I feel like him and Hashirama would have similar reactions to a lot of things. Like when he first finds out about your pregnancy he is so hyped and will tell literally anyone. Thinks about his future kid all the time. Will probably suggest to name the kid after some type of ramen.

He’s the most immature about dealing with pregnancy stuff. Like I know I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt but.. let’s be real here he’s freaking out the whole time. That’s not to say he isn’t gonna try and be helpful though, like he will genuinely try his best to help. It just won’t end up the way he wanted it too.

Will ask Sakura about what the heck he’s supposed to do, she’ll probably be super helpful and will try and give you some weird special food pills to help you keep energized. Naruto will burn them when she leaves bc he knows those food pills are so gross, it’s the thought that counts I guess.

He also takes videos and pictures 24/7. He wants to make sure he documents everything. “Look, future baby! Your mom is having another pregnancy mood swing- ach! Did’ya see that? Your mom just tossed a shoe at me!”

When the baby bump starts forming he pokes it. Not harmfully, just like.. he wants to make sure it’s real. Like he’s actually having a kid, Crazy! Anyway, so after he pokes it to make sure it’s not fake, he’ll document the moment. “Hey future baby! Look, this is you. Inside there.” (Cue a vv gentle stomach poke)

The mood swings can entertain him sometimes and other times they can annoy the crap out of him. Like you’re crying one second and the next you’re yelling about the one time he forgot to pick you up for a date like three years ago. He’s really crappy at handling anything that have to do with mood swings. He’ll either be a doof about it or he’ll get offended. Then Sakura has to knock some sense into him.

He means well though, he’s still getting used to everything.

Don’t even get me started on how he reacts to the weird food cravings. Like sometimes he’ll lovingly tease the crap out of you for the weird things you’re eating or he’ll be excited and join in. Like you’re putting a scoop of peanut butter in your ramen? He’s grabbing the chopsticks! Will probably be sick afterwards.

The times when you are clingy are the best, he’ll drop whatever he’s doing so you two can just hang out. If that means you just want to lay in bed and sleep, then he’ll do it! Or if that means you wanna go on a walk, then he’ll do it!

Likes to spend as much time with you as possible. Just wants to make sure you’re okay and if you need him to do anything for you.

Overall 10/10 bc he may be a little bit of a goof, but he always means well <3

[stars-are-just-ghosts]

2. Harrisco

Absolutely. This got a weeee bit long. A warning: there are mentions of PTSD and a depiction of a panic attack. So if anyone has any triggers to those things, please don't read. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy! -QD

* * *

There were days when Cisco couldn't handle the sound.

It was settled there in his head, a low-grade hum that attached itself to every brain cell like velcro on steroids. It had started when his powers did, a background entity to the visions that became constant the more and more he had them. Till eventually the hum would break into his normal thoughts, his normal every day everything, resulting in panic attacks like he hadn't had since he was a kid. Except these were worse. So much worse. Because he couldn't stop them, he couldn't control them. And it usually ended in him passing out and lingering exhaustion. For the most part, he'd been able to have these panic attacks alone. He'd been through enough of them now to know when they'd hit, and could usually disappear before it happened. It seemed like everyone else knew he was going through something at regular intervals, too. They were smart enough to notice his shifts in mood, or that he'd leave work at an early hour when it happened. But he denied everything. 'I'm just beat.' He'd say. No one pushed it too far. Not because they didn't care, Cisco knew. But because Cisco wasn't making it easy.

He'd catch Harry watching him sometimes, expression unreadable and eyes glistening what he thought was agitation, like the man could tell that Cisco was keeping a secret. But he didn't say anything. In fact, he did the opposite. He kept being... well, Harry. And Harry was pretty much one of the only constants in Cisco's life that made the crazy tolerable. When the hum had first really started to affect him, it was Harry's presence that seemed to keep it in check the most. Cisco thought it was because Harry kept him focused, on track.

They worked so easily, side by side, completely at ease in each other's presence, whether they were joking or bickering or brainstorming. It was like that's exactly where they were supposed to be, and exactly what they were supposed to be doing.

Sometimes, it felt like Harry was more in tune with Cisco's own emotions than he was. He would reach out and grip Cisco's shoulder when Cisco was getting tense, or he'd nudge him gently when he was unfocused. Other times, Harry would just rest his hand there on the small of Cisco's back. No reason needed. And Cisco used each of those small touches like a grounding point. Whatever the reason, it worked. And he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Caitlin was the only other one who had tried to get more out of him at one point, but he'd ended up snapping at her. He felt horrible about it the next day, after it all had passed. And he'd doted on her like a puppy for nearly a week because of it.

He made it his mission after that to work even harder to hide his unschooled emotions. And after awhile, he thought he'd gotten pretty good at it. People stopped pestering him. He got to have his crazy-ass panic attacks. And the hum continued being awful background noise in his head.

But today was different.

Today was... bad.

He hadn't had an overdose of the hum in nearly a month and a half. He was actually beginning to think maybe his brain had finally gotten used to it. Or maybe he'd just been too busy for it to register as much. But as soon as they all got back from taking on their latest meta problem, the hum was so loud and overpowering that he felt like his whole body was being crushed by it. The walls were caving in. The noise was too much. He couldn't see up from down. And he got out of the Cortex as fast as he could, peeling his uniform off in pieces as he went, desperate to breathe as he flattened himself to the wall of the nearest empty lab and let himself slide to the floor.

He squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming out of his eyes as he fought the need to just scream and scream and scream. The hum was too much this time. Just too fucking much. He'd give anything for it to go away. Anything. He'd even sell his soul to the fucking devil to be rid of this.

But it wasn't the devil who tracked him down.

It was Harry.

At first, Cisco didn't even notice him. He couldn't hear anything beyond the hum and he knew if he opened his eyes, the world would be swimming in nauseating circles. So when he felt firm, warm and strangely familiar hands on his shoulders, it startled him so badly that he let out a strangled yell, hands flying away from the tangles he'd made of his hair and latching on to whoever it was.

Then there was pulling. He felt himself being moved. And for reasons he couldn't even fathom at that point, he didn't fight it. He just let this person, this tangible presence, reel him in. But his body was so tense, it was slow going. Or maybe it just felt slow. Eventually, he found himself sitting in... that was Harry. He was in Harry's lap. He knew it, now. He felt Harry's warmth, and that's why the hands had felt familiar because he would know those hands anywhere. And Harry was cradling his head with one of those hands, right up against his chest in a way that was all too comfortable and fragile.

"Ramon," his voice sounded like a whisper below the hum. But it was there. He felt it rumble through Harry's chest, mixing with something else. Something he desperately wanted to focus on. "Listen... just listen. Hear my heartbeat?" He felt Harry's fingers begin to card through his hair once it seemed he was certain Cisco wasn't going to pull away. "Just focus on that..."

Was that the-something-else he could hear, a steady and heavy octave somewhere below the register of the hum? It came to him then, the thud-thud-thudding of a heartbeat.

No, not just any heartbeat.

Harry's heartbeat. He focused on it, just like Harry had told him to. He let it become his intent, his only need. He let it push away that hum with every steady pound, every deliberate pump of the heart doing its damndest to keep Harry Wells alive. Slowly, other things began to come into focus. Little things. Like Harry's fingers so tenderly stroking Cisco's hair, or how Harry's other arm was curled firmly and safely around Cisco's back and hip. Or how his own hands were clinging to Harry like he was a life preserver.

He could hear the rushing swell of each of Harry's breaths. He could feel the cozy warmth that Harry's whole body emanated. He could smell the settled fragrance of Harry's aftershave and something else that was very distinctly Harry.

Slowly, minute by minute, the hum faded. It went back to its place of background noise and unimportance. And eventually, Cisco found himself opening his eyes. He wasn't sure how much time had passed. But he knew, without a doubt, that this was different. Normally, his panic attacks ended with his brain spectacularly overstimulated and eventually passing out. But this time...

Cisco relaxed his hands where they clung to Harry's shirt, and he lifted his head very slowly, a little afraid that moving or even not being able to hear Harry's heartbeat might make the hum come back full force. But that didn't happen. All he felt was calm and tired and... grateful. He caught Harry's gentle gaze as Harry dropped his hand away from his hair.

"You don't have to move if you're not ready to." Harry offered, his voice soft, his eyes lingering on Cisco's. He'd never seen Harry look at him like that before. Or maybe he had, to a lesser degree. Harry never completely outwardly showed his emotions, but for whatever reason he was very clearly showing Cisco everything.

There was worry there, and kindness, and affection. And it made Cisco sit up a little straighter, though he didn't dare move away. Because Harry was his focal point right now, and he couldn't lose that. Not yet.

"Harry," he managed. His voice sounded strained, like it did when he was yelling. But he hadn't yelled this time, had he? He blinked at the sound of it, cleared his throat lightly. "I'm sorry, man." He felt himself blush in embarrassment, the realization that Harry had just seen him pretty much have a mental breakdown made him tear his eyes away instantly. He should have been more careful, should have gotten back here sooner or even breached himself to another-

Then he felt Harry's hand back on him, but not in his hair this time. Harry's palm was on his cheek, fingers smoothing against his skin as his thumb stroked the wetness that still lingered beneath Cisco's eyes. He had no choice but to look at Harry.

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Ever. You hear me?" Harry demanded. He sounded almost angry about it. But honestly, Cisco couldn't tell for a change. "None of this your fault." He smoothed his hand down Cisco's neck, to his shoulder and back to his side, till both arms were safely fit around Cisco's torso. "Ramon, how long have you been going through this?" He asked pointedly, brows knit slightly. Cisco swallowed and blinked.

"It's... kind of hard to explain." He nearly whispered. It was strange. After all this time trying to hide it from everyone, he actually found he wanted to explain it... to Harry. "It's been like this since... since I got my powers." Harry's brows raised in surprise and then his jaw clenched as he breathed out slowly through his nostrils. "You're mad." Cisco stated, "You look mad. Are you mad?!" He felt his chest tighten. He did not want Harry mad at him, not right now. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it. But Harry shook his head quickly and leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Cisco's.

It stilled everything in him instantly. Had Harry always been this touchy-feely? Did it matter? Why should it matter? Because Cisco admittedly really needed this right now. And honestly, he couldn't picture this with anyone else.

"I'm not mad at you, Cisco. I'm more... disappointed in myself. That I didn't do something sooner." Harry sighed lightly. "I thought I saw things... signs. I tried to be close when I thought you needed it. I should have pushed more. I should have asked. I'm the one who's sorry."

"You're sorry? Shit, Harry." Cisco shuttered out, some tears escaping at the sentiment. "You just saved me from an overload of panic and passing out ungracefully on the floor. You don't have to apologize for anything, either." Harry smiled lightly, lifting his head. He searched Cisco's gaze quietly, then nodded.

"Think you can stand?" Harry asked gently. Cisco looked down at himself, at the disheveled uniform and rumpled t-shirt, at the way he fit so perfectly in Harry's hold...

"I think so. But..." He looked back at Harry's knowing gaze and cracked a light smile, "I kinda like it right here." Harry chuckled. Then did something Cisco hadn't expected. Sure, he'd dreamed about it and maybe there had been times he'd come inches away from doing it himself. But it was still surprising... in a really good way.

Harry's lips pressed to his in a soft, tender sweep, lingering as Cisco instantly let his lips attach right back. It wasn't deep, and didn't last long. But there was a comfort in that. Because he wanted to keep kissing Harry. Seriously, who wouldn't? But he also wanted a much clearer head. And it seemed Harry didn't want to take advantage of the situation. Which was downright respectful and caring.

Harry urged Cisco off the floor, keeping himself in close proximity so Cisco had something to hold on to. He didn't pull his hands away till he seemed sure Cisco wouldn't topple over.

"Come on. Let's get you home. You need to sleep. And then maybe we can talk more about it all in the morning?" He offered, taking a side step toward the door. But Cisco was focused more on how Harry's hands had fallen away, how the warmth and steadiness had gone with him. He reached out quickly and slipped his palm into Harry's, entwining their fingers. Harry looked down at their conjoined hands, then back at Cisco.

"This is gonna sound... maybe kinda childish." Cisco tentatively began, looking back up at Harry's eyes. "But... would you mind staying with me? I don't... I just... okay, look..." he attempted to explain, unable to find the words. No one and nothing had ever pulled him out of his panic attack like Harry had only moments ago, and Cisco simply wasn't ready to let go of that. Or Harry.

"Ramon," One word. He'd always loved how his name sounded on Harry's lips. "I'll stay."

And he did.

He brought Cisco home, and held Cisco all night in the quiet of his room. And for a change, Cisco didn't have nightmares like he usually did after a panic attack. The hum barely registered. And Harry didn't ask questions or push for explanations or demand results. He just let Cisco exist in that in-between place that he usually fell in after the hum had exploded in his head.

When morning came, they shared coffee, they ate waffles, they sat in sweatpants and t-shirts on Cisco's lumpy couch and talked about lighter things, laughing till Cisco's face hurt. And when Cisco felt like he was ready, he told Harry all about the hum and what it did to him.

Harry didn't tell him he was crazy. He didn't shove possible answers in his face. He didn't try to make sense out of something that really didn't have any.

However, he did open up to Cisco right back, telling him about his own panic attacks. He had them about as frequently as Cisco did, which was surprising to hear. Harry had PTSD. He'd had it for years, long before he'd come to Earth-2. And it had only gotten worse after Zoom. He'd learned a thing or two about how to handle them on his own, but it had taken far too long, as far as Harry was concerned.

"I don't want that for you, Cisco." They were sitting face to face, one of Harry's arms draped along the back of the couch, "I couldn't really let anyone be there for me. Or at least... that's what I told myself." Harry explained, reaching his free hand up to curl some of Cisco's hair behind one ear. He smiled fondly. "I'm hoping you'll let me help you. You deserve better than suffering through it alone." Cisco smiled warmly, unable to really stop himself.

And without a word, he moved forward and kissed Harry. Soundly, this time. And twice more for good measure.

"You're the only one I want to let help me." Cisco assured, and the smile they shared after was exactly the medicine Cisco needed.

Harry had always been a good listener. A fantastic bickerer. A safe and steady presence. Cisco should have let himself open up to Harry much sooner. Hindsight was always 20/20. But they were here now. And he had a feeling when the hum tried to take over again, Harry would be right there helping him through it.

Cisco could hardly think of anything more comforting than that.

[saladejin]

Call An Uber? | 04

BTS x Reader | idolverse au, uber driver!Reader, translator!Reader |  Fluff, flirting, super slow burn, angst and hurt/comfort, mature themes and eventual smut

Summary:  Your normal life with a normal, yet inconsistent job gets drastically changed when your dreams come true. Sounds boring right?

What happens when all of this occurs, but you’re still doing something you love AND getting a large sum for it? Now there’s something to think about, and it’s definitely not what you’re thinking.

Warnings: Implied mental health struggles, anxiety and slight panic attack

Word Count: 2.9k 

< masterpost >

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  Another three days passing brought forth another fresh steaming pile of emotions. 

I was due to start my job at Bighit in the following week, and had been dropping in to meet with Bang PD and the staff regularly since the initial signing of the documents. Its only purpose was just for me to get to know everyone, since I would start off in the company playing a major role, and for me to get comfortable in the environment. PD-nim knew I was not used to working for such large and renowned companies, and I was so happy he had taken that into consideration.

Another meet-and-greet done today, and I was trembling. 

I didn’t know why it had all suddenly decided to drop on me now, but my only solace was the splash of vivid crimson sitting out in the otherwise monochrome carpark of the building. I yanked open the car door with shaking fingers and all but fell into the familiar leather seat, my breathing uneven from the tightening within my chest.

Don’t get me wrong at all, the company was absolutely amazing, and so were all the staff and their immediate hospitality. Bang PD was like a second father to me already, and I’d even had him ruffle my hair once today after he’d somehow managed to laugh at one of my jokes. His assistant, which I now knew as Chang Soojin, or just Soojin-unni as she had told me to use, was becoming a reliable colleague and friend pretty quickly too. I had met many members of the staff, including the co-ordi noonas, managers, stylists etc. Even a group of interpreters who specialised in specific languages.

Hence why they employed me so quickly, I’d thought to myself after finding out they only knew English and Korean.

There was that one Spanish interpreter, who had been absent on the ‘fateful day’, but he was now doing fine and had profusely apologised to me afterwards. I felt bad for the guy, as I probably seemed like a warning replacement if anything of disarray was to happen again.

Bighit can be bloody scary, damn.

My breathing had evened slightly, but stress was still causing my head to become a mess of jagged scribbles. So much had changed in my life recently, and even if it had an overall positive effect, my mind was still left reeling. This was the kind of sudden responsibility that made me want to revisit my childhood days, to let go of being an adult and to be surrounded by nothing but carefree bliss.

A light rapping on my car passenger window tore me from my strangling thoughts. I gasped, squinting my eyes to glimpse at the darkly clothed figure before sighing. The person had thoroughly frightened me, and I wasn’t very happy about it. They crouched down to look in, and when they saw I was making no move to stop them, they pulled open the passenger door hesitantly.

“Is this Uber operating?” Yoongi softly asked.

I was still irritated that my precious alone-time had been ruined, after going through quite a bit of anxiety about my life in general, but I couldn’t bring myself to refuse the impassive man at the moment. After even more thought, I concluded that having someone to talk to would in fact help me the most right now. When I nodded slowly, sighing again in an attempt to regather myself, he lowered his head in gentle understanding.

“Uh, if it’s a really bad time I-”

“No, Yoongi. Wait is it even okay to not use honorifics? Should I call you oppa?” I shook my head, my voice steadily gaining life again from how croaky it sounded before. I hadn’t cried, but I was definitely on the verge before he’d made his appearance.

Yoongi settled into the passenger seat holding a lidded coffee cup. He was dressed in dark but flowy clothing, and I questioned his sanity briefly considering how hot it was outside. It was mid-afternoon at the moment, but we both didn’t seem to have schedules planned.

“Even though I’m not against it, I feel like dropping the honorifics would work better for you. I won’t get offended,” he hummed, sipping his coffee. I noticed how tired his eyes were under the cap he wore, and instantly felt bad for being annoyed with him before. He adorned a black mask too, but it was sitting under his chin to make talking and drinking easier.

“Did you also want coffee? I could offer to get you one.”

His sudden question caused me to blink in confusion. Then I realised I had been eyeing the cup in his pale hands quite intensely. His dark eyes were blank and his pale blue-white hair was slightly roughened from the breeze outside. Trying not to fawn over him, I broke out into a strained chuckle while my hands came up to slap my cheeks in embarrassment.

“No no no, I wasn’t…Ah I’m sorry, I just have a lot going on at the moment.” I decided to let the cat out of the bag with another sigh. He may as well know what was going on behind my outwardly apparent emotions. I didn’t even know how I was meant to hold a decent conversation when my insides were such a nervous wreck. I knew I would build myself up again eventually, but he just happened to catch me at a vulnerable time.

“Yeah, I could tell,” he started. “I followed you out because I saw you running out here shaking like a leaf. I guess it sounds kind of creepy when put like that.” He shrugged, eyeing the dashboard of my car while I just tried to take in his quiet observation.

“No, actually I appreciate it. You haven’t even met me yet…ugh why am I doing everything backwards right now?” I rested my head onto the steering wheel, positively exasperated. Yoongi and I had never even held a conversation before, but here I was acting like a total idiot and making him worry about my mental health.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re all I hear about these days.” He sighs with a groan, letting his head roll back to rest against the leather headrest. My own curiosity was tickled.

“Really? Let me guess, ‘the crazy Uber chick who somehow managed to get herself involved with shit that didn’t concern her’?”

He laughed silently at that, the gummy smile melting my bundling insides into a puddle – and suddenly everything was alright.

I didn’t have to have everything in my life figured out right now, I just had to make the most of my time with these amazingly driven individuals who had undoubtedly captured my heart. Alongside this job which was actually my passion to begin with.

I didn’t even know how I hadn’t freaked out over the fact that the Min Yoongi, worldwide famous producer and rapper, was sitting in my car. He was sitting in the same seat the Park Jimin had sat in about a week and a half ago. I needed to shut down my brain before it began to burn a hole into the back of my skull from overworking.

“That would be funny, but no, definitely not. I just wish the young ones would let me sleep, but they’ve been excited. I swear I’ve already met you ten times at this point.”

I snort in amusement, absolutely loving how blunt he was about the whole situation. Too many people, since I had arrived in the country, were overbearingly polite and careful with their words. I was not used to it at all, and it made the ‘foreign’ experience all the more jarring. Yoongi probably understood this to an extent, so I was grateful he tried his best to be more casual right away.

“Look, can I start driving? I just need to clear my head a bit. Maybe I can introduce myself properly.” I exhaled loudly, my nerves significantly calmed since chatting a little. Even though I felt terrible at the thought, I couldn’t help but be grateful that it was Yoongi who had paid me a surprise visit instead of one of the others. His presence was somewhat reserved and I had trouble reading the guy half the time, but his company was the type I needed instead of something loud and overwhelming.

“Sure, I did kind of barge in so you can continue with whatever you were doing.”

You mean almost having a mental breakdown?

“But I do want to actually meet you, because if I have to hear your name around the dorm one more fucking time without knowing who you are, I may just snap.”

I laughed loudly, his grunt-worthy words causing amusement to roil around in my chest. I figured I would question him about exactly what was said a bit later. For now, I just needed to relax and ease my worries, and driving was my channel for exactly that. I started reversing out of the carpark with silence finally befalling the car, grateful to finally leave behind the line of black company vans surrounding me. I found it ominous if I was completely honest. Engulfed by the view of several identical black vans was a little unsettling when the only car I was used to was Red.

When did I even decide to name my car? It’s such a boring name too.

“Well, I can start by saying my name is (L/n) (Y/n). (Y/n) is fine, and you already known I don’t care for honorifics. I’m from (Y/c), and I landed a job at Bighit Entertainment by letting two of your band members hitch a ride. Ultimately escaping their foreseeable deaths.” My dramatic tone increased the longer I spoke, and I could see the corners of Yoongi’s lips turning up gradually.

“That sounds about right. Jiminie told me you were a big fan, but it turns out you are really collected when you see us. I appreciate your efforts, but feel free to let it out if you need.” He tilted his head with a smirk, his ‘Genius Suga’ persona surfacing within the span of two whole seconds. I just bit my lip to contain another amused giggle.

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m not one to freak out after the initial shock. Most of my extra-ness is of the internal type, I’m afraid.”

He shook his head in mock disappointment, eventually flashing me that endearing expression where his lips stretched across his whole face. I covered my cheeks with one hand to stop my bubbling amusement from erupting.

“Stop please, or I’ll crash!”

He simply sipped his coffee, smirking again at my reaction. I knew I hadn’t actually doused his ego, but his antics still aided in lifting my spirits higher and higher. As I tried to figure out where I wanted to drive, Yoongi pulled out a small notepad full of scrawled notes and scribbled out lines.

“Well, you already know who I am, that much I can guess. Now that we’ve met, I can tell those kids to shut up and do something useful,” he continued. Even though his tone was full of complaint, I knew he loved every single one of those boys wholeheartedly.

“Where are they now?” I asked through a smile, glancing down as the rapper flicked through his notepad to the page he had last used. “Practicing more, at least I know Jiminie, Jin-hyung and Jungkook-ah are. We’ve got a big concert and a comeback soon, so everyone is riled up.”

“Yeah, that seems like a packed schedule for at least a few months. I’m really excited for what you guys have in store though, it seems too unreal that I actually get to see everything behind the scenes for the first time in my life,” I sighed out in awe, thinking about a possible new album and new content. How could I even go about it normally when everything was different? Wait, was I going to get a discounted album? I surely hoped so.

Yoongi looked at me carefully before making a few notes in his notepad, his fingers working the pen deftly through long and hardened experience. His ripped black jeans were tighter than I initially thought they were, but my attention only went there because he was tapping his foot rhythmically as he wrote.

“Lyrics?” I questioned, raising an eyebrow in his direction and diverting my attention. I drove towards the outskirts of Seoul, hoping to find somewhere quiet and peaceful to settle for a bit. The time had essentially flown by, but I was sure the sky wouldn’t darken just yet.

“Yeah, just the usual. I help write a lot of songs, and lyrics always just flood into my brain at the most random times, you know?” he murmured, flicking backwards to another page and filling in another empty space.

The realisation that I was driving somewhere random and unknown hit me suddenly, and I briefly wondered if taking Yoongi with me would end up costing me my job all too soon. I was quickly reminded of a similar occurrence with two maknaes, one that caused the managers and Namjoon to lose their absolute marbles.

“Um, I was gonna drive randomly around the area, but I just realised that your managers would skin me alive if they knew I took you with me. Does anyone know you’re with me?”

Yoongi looked up, his eyes, which were once laser-focused on his lyrics, now scoured into my own and I gulped suddenly. His long, dark eyelashes were always beautiful, but they were even more mesmerising in person and this close. They contrasted so nicely against his milky skin that I almost lost focus on the road again.

I may just crash and kill someone one of these days. Customer or not.

“I texted a few people,” was all he said before returning to his notepad, and I shrugged indifferently. He was an adult, and he could make his own decisions. I just hoped I didn’t cop any roastings for it later on.

“Would I be able to show you something?” he then asked.

I glanced sideways, catching him picking at his nails with his teeth apprehensively. It seemed he was stuck on something to do with a lyric, but I didn’t know how I could possibly lend a hand. His lyrics were always so impactful and flowed so nicely. How could I form my own opinion when everything I’d heard from him so far was nothing less than beautiful?

“Yeah? Did you need another perspective?” I probed, willing my feelings of disbelief down into the depths of my subconscious.

“Well, I’m trying to tie together my verse in one of the new songs, and I almost have it. I want someone fresh to have a look.” He held out the pad and I pulled over onto the side of the smaller road. We were now definitely nearing the more ‘picturesque’ side of Seoul anyway, and the city fell away behind us as my eyes scanned over Yoongi’s handwriting. The last line struck a chord deeply within me.

“This is real you, and this is real me” – which one is “you”? Which one is “me”?

“Wow, this really hits hard,” I breathe, reading over the snippets of the verse he had written again to fully absorb what was going on. The whole thing was emotional, and raw. I could imagine his voice rapping hard to form these thoughts, the angry and hurt emotions seeping in.

“I can feel the struggle through the lyrics. It’s like you’ve been through a false love that you threw yourself into after believing it was true...a betrayal of sorts, I guess?” I met his eyes again and grew a little confused when a chuckle of irony fell from him. It must have been some joke I didn’t understand.

“I’m glad you feel so much from it.” He blinked. “I’m actually going to try a different technique with this track, so expect some changes from my usual style.”

He then smiled again, taking the notepad before I could catch any glimpses of the other notes. I couldn’t contain a soft huff of annoyance. “You’re not just gonna tell me?”

He deadpanned before parting his lips to respond. “Just because you work for Bighit doesn’t mean you get every special privilege.” I almost reeled at the thought of bothering him with my question, but he only smiled again while tucking his notepad away.

“Plus, you’re a fan, so my goal is to keep it a secret for as long as possible.”

“Mean,” I grunted, pulling out onto the road again so I could start to head home. The sky was darkening, and I knew there were only so many boundaries I could push before I crossed the line. Yoongi seemed to know this too, but he avoided addressing the subject for some reason.

“Where do you want to be dropped? I’ll have you know I’ve been charging you handsomely for this Uber service,” I muttered, still pretending to be pissed off at him for hiding information.

“I’ll buy you a coffee next time, I promise.”

          Copyright © 2020 by salade. All rights reserved

tagged: @l4life​, @joyful-jimin​

[animegenork]

Fruits Basket Season 2, Episode 16

Okay, so I know I express my love for just about every Sohma every single week, but I must stress how much I love Momiji. Rabbits are my favorite animal, and he is the Rabbit and every time there’s an episode like this for him I end up crying.

So, yeah. This week’s episode made me cry!

Once again, Fruits Basket pulls off its special sort of magic in which the subsequent storylines/developments end up tying closely together, and I can’t help but admire the sheer skill it takes to pull off writing like that.

We open (after the theme song) with Tohru realizing Uo’s pining for one of the Sohmas, but based on Tohru’s brief interaction, Uo’s like, “Nah, can’t be him.” I think that speaks to how Kureno acts in front of the Sohmas as opposed to when he’s outside the Sohma estate and the effect of the family in general. After all, most of the Sohmas do the same thing once they’re outside the estate; ironically, they feel much safer the farther they are from Akito. Yuki and Kyo are some prime examples of this pattern, and I just think it’s really interesting to point out how Kureno exhibits it as well. We don’t know much about this guy, but after - what - three episodes (?) featuring him in some way, we can tell that he has some huge burden on him that is Sohma-based.

What else do you do when your friend clearly wants to see this guy but won’t pursue any leads about him? GO TO THE SOHMA ESTATE, OF COURSE!

Seriously, Tohru is just amazing. She’s shouldering everybody else’s feelings and trying to hep them the best she can, all while wondering if she’s selfish for doing it?? There is a reason she is so beloved by just about every character in this series! You want empathy incarnate? YOU GOT IT!

Anyway, Tohru ends up bumping into (literally) Momo, who is Momiji’s little sister. Not that she knows that. Or does she? She helps Tohru sneak in, and they see Momiji playing violin. Damn, that boy can play. Puts my ten years of crappy playing to shame. The great thing is, Momo asks Tohru to ask Momiji if he’ll be her big brother, and the irony, paired with the fact that she wants to get to know this boy she barely knows is so sweet and adorable. NOT TO MENTION! She’s doing all this despite what her (and Momiji’s) father wants.

Now, I understand what Mr. Momiji (that’s what I’m calling him now) is trying to do. Thrusting Momiji into his mother’s life could disrupt the memory suppression she begged for. Also, it would be confusing to Momo - why does Mom not remember Big Bro? That sort of thing. However, Momiji himself makes a good point, too - his father’s being a wee bit selfish in trying to protect this happy little bubble he’s got. Where does he stand? (I would put up the “That ain’t right!” gif again but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.)

This entire escapade is beautiful to comprehend, because, as Tohru explains the Momo thing to him, Momiji starts crying because he’s happy. What’s important to understand about Momiji is that, for the most part, he’s only playing at happiness. A lot of us do. The thing is, Momiji is fantastic at masking his own emotions, especially considering Tohru genuinely does make him smile. He’s sad that his father basically makes him live separately from his family, but he does it anyway, because he’s always taking care of others. He says, “I can only be this happy because there’s someone who will cry for me.” Similar to Tohru, Momiji is ALWAYS thinking of others before himself, despite what his innermost desires tell him. So to have Tohru think about him and tell him that something he desires - that is, the chance to get to know Momo - is okay fills him with a joy he probably experiences rarely.

I. Love. Momiji.

Momo desperately wants to see Momiji, and Tohru sees a connection between this situation and Uo’s. She wonders why it is that being unable to see someone makes our feelings intensify - really, it is a CRAZY phenomenon emotionally, if you think about it - and realizes that Uo is a lot like Momo: she wants to see someone she physically cannot. Of course, Uo herself has no fault in this, and really, neither does Kureno. Like every other Sohma, Kureno is trapped by the family and by Akito’s expectations.

When Tohru finally ends up meeting up with Kureno (after some... bad attempts at hiding), we see a glimpse of someone who I honestly thought was Akito at first. Until he said “Akito” and I realized who exactly it was.

Not looking forward to the formal introduction.

But anyway.

Tohru asks Kureno if he knows Uo, and he does his equivalent of the “pffft nO” reaction. Suuuuure, Kureno, sure. Tohru continues and tells him how Uo misses him, that it takes a lot for her to outwardly complain about something (and in so saying “She likes you!!!!”), etc etc. His answer, however, is that he doesn’t plan on seeing her. He has other responsibilities (Akito) to, and that’s what he keeps telling himself. When asked if it’s because he’s part of the zodiac, he denies it, but doesn’t explain further. (THIS IS IMPORTANT: WATCH HOW HE LOOKS AT THE BIRD THAT FLIES OVERHEAD AS HE TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THIS IS IMPORTANT LATER.)

Tohru has one of her moments where she goes on a tangent about how his feelings may change later about seeing Uo again, and he doesn’t respond. Which is understandable. They barely know each other and here she is totally picking apart his brain like a GENIUS. But in any case, he decides not to do anything about her sneaking around the Sohma estate and reveals that Momiji followed her.

Such a cute bunny.

Later, Tohru’s on the roof AND WE GET TO SEE KYO! He asks her what’s wrong, and she’s thinking to herself about Uo’s situation again. This poor girl needs some sleep, man. Kyo says something about how if she finds someone she loves, he’ll be there to help her out.

I could tell it killed him to say that.

This speaks a lot to Kyo’s feelings for Tohru; he’s already accepted that he despite what he wants, he probably won’t be able to stay by her side forever. The idea of anyone else loving her definitely kills him (Momiji pushed this particular button a while back, if I’m remembering correctly). But he wants to be there for her in any way he can, because he loves her.

Dammit, Kyo.

Tohru starts crying again, and neither of them are really sure why. Her heart broke a little bit during this episode for Uo and Kureno’s inability to be together, and I think she starts crying because she knows the exact implications of Kyo extending some kindness her way. She knows what’s at stake with him, and she doesn’t want to think about a point where she won’t be able to see him anymore.

How is it we’re only on episode SIXTEEN of this season?! I’ve gone through enough emotions to last at least two years, all in the past two-ish months. Like damn. Fruits Basket does not fuck around when it comes to this stuff.

I couldn’t exactly tell by the title or the voice what next week is going to bring, but if this week had anything to say about it, I’m not done crying over these characters.

Prepare thyselves, friends. This rollercoaster ain’t even CLOSE to ending.

[glumpiglet]

Reassurance (Beetlejuice x F!Reader)

Uh.. Hi..Its a me..a humble fic writer joining the massive phenomenon that has been the obsession with our fav feral ghost boi. I’ll write a more in depth first post but basically yeah...I just wanted to contribute and uh I’ll be happy to take any tips or comment..Long time tumblr reader..First time tumblr writer.

Basically there was a prompt post by @boopeen that had angst and fluff prompts so I’m like.. maybe I’ll take one from each list and then this was born.

CW: Bit of swearing, slightly smutty, bordering on NSFW. A mention of Daddy!kink.

Thanks guys <3 I love this fandom

Angst: "no, you're wrong, and here's why."

Fluff "that means a lot, thank you.”

This was the part you were dreading. Glancing at the clock, you noticed it had been an hour since you started getting ready. Not that there was any worry though, the friend picking you up was always late. You had sat at your vanity and painted your face flawless. Fussed with your hair enough to have it the way it looked best tonight, had even put in the dangling earrings, and now just were standing still, bra and panties, hands on your hips, staring at a steadily growing pile of clothes on the bed. Options were running out..  

It wasn’t like fashion was never a strong suit. All your life you had been outwardly confident. Sure, you knew what looked good on other people, you had very fashionable friends that always turned to you for advice, but had been weary of things actually on you. 

Why did you bother buying any of this crap? You hated most of it. Only a few choice outfits would make your rotation. The rest of it was either stuff friends pressured you into buying, or things that might have fit better last year, but people weren’t lying when they said being in a relationship could cause you to gain weight. 

Especially when said boyfriend was the spoiling, gluttonous little demon boy you called lovebug. 

Speaking of the devil, your eyes caught a green blur of movement before your body was scooped up in a tight embrace. Beetlejuice had no patience. 

Even as he had strolled out of your bedroom earlier, claiming to be going to watch some t.v, ‘leave you to that girl stuff babes.’ You had seen him outside your room, peeking in, trying and failing miserably to be sneaky. It wasn’t that he wasn’t invited in or anything, but he was silly your ghost demon boyfriend. It was his attempt at giving you ‘space’. 

He knew he got especially clingy when you were going out.

If he had it his way you’d never leave the house. All his all the time. After many conversations, some louder and angrier than others, you had both come to a happy medium of trust and honesty. 

Of course life wasn’t perfect. 

Beetlejuice was impulsive, chaotic and emotional. 

You were stubborn, dramatic and forceful. 

The two of you butted heads just as much as you made up, but you knew your relationship wasn’t ‘toxic’. If anything your relationship had only been getting stronger. Your demon boyfriend was very understanding that you couldn’t live your life that way, a breather stuck with the dead all the time, as sweet as he might make it sound. 

But you did want him around, no debating that. 

“Changing your mind, babes? Can’t blame ya, you know I’m much better company,” Giggling at his scruff tickling your neck, along with his sloppy tongue. You caressed his arms as you left his embrace, wiping at his saliva and went for your closet. Distraction could not win, tempting as it was or not. 

Maybe you could wear the jeans you recently bought with that blouse you got for Christmas….Except you needed to put on your bodysuit for the blouse, it was too see through..Where was that thing?

Your backside was burning with Beetlejuice’s intense gaze as you rummaged into your closet. Wanting to be a bit cheeky, pun intended, you shimmied your hips and said saucily, “Sorry BJ. I haven’t changed my mind. Just trying to figure out what to wear,”

Seduction attempts were honestly quite easy with your boyfriend. It literally took almost nothing to get Beetlejuice going. You had even seen him get aroused by you making a sandwich.

“You licked the knife, babes.” Had been his excuse.

No complaints though, you were a woman in your prime. Humming in pleasure, you felt your hips get taken by chilled hands, caressing across the fabric of your underwear and backside, straight up massaging your ass.

“Mmm...Put on that black dress you know I love.” You crinkle your nose at his suggestion. His touch was wanted, his opinion..Maybe not so much. 

“Ugh, I wear that all the time.”

“Why are you being so picky? Trying to impress someone?” Chuckling softly, you had to commend him for trying to not sound suspicious. You knew Beetlejuice too well, turning around to see the tell-tale red tint beginning to come through his hair. You spare him a wilted look. 

On the tip of your tongue you had “yeah my other boyfriend.” But since the incident, you had been more diligent to think before you spoke with Beetlejuice. 

You had a habit of speaking before thinking, and before Beetlejuice you had no intention of ever curbing the reaction. But as with so much, he changed your view. Not because you had to walk around on eggshells with him, but you were getting to know his insecurities better, and respected that he didn’t like you making jokes like that, even if they were jokes.

There were other ways to be a brat.

Tilted your head, throwing over your shoulder, you whispered, “Don’t be silly. You know you’re the only one for me…..Daddy.”

No one, however, could say you didn’t know how to push his buttons. Beetlejuice purred like an alleycat. Luckily you hadn’t put on your lipstick yet, so you were okay to play a little.

Cupping his chin sweetly, you pulled him down to press your lips gently. Taking the lead, he was obviously giving you the reins, turning around fully to grab at his hair. Parted lips sucked and pulled against each other. 

Beetlejuice was holding back very well, good boy that he was. There was no choice but to reward him by scratching and pulling at his once again changing hair, not even having to look to know it would be bright pink this time. 

Your demonic mood ring growled and preened, more so like a beast than any sort of man.  

Not wanting to get too mussed up, regrettably you pulled back, trying not to laugh at his face following yours, lips pouted and eyes still closed, a dazed expression on his face. These were the moments you craved. Those soft, sweet moments you lulled him into with all of his chaos and craziness. That little ol’ you could bring this powerful being into your submission. 

Waiting until his eyes drifted open, all smiles you continued.

“Now please let me get dressed,” Kind enough to guide your love drunk boyfriend back to sit on your bed, you reevaluated the choices in the pile. Okay, these were the things you wore enough to consider them passable…...

“How about this one?” You considered the modest, billowy item he held, deciding to humour BJ, putting your arms through the holes of the dress he was holding. Laughing as he awkwardly stuck your head in, not knowing how to drape it on, you helped him happily.

Standing at the mirror, swaying, imagining how you’d look in this after a few hours in a smoky, hot club. 

“That looks great, babes! I don’t think I’ve seen you in this,”

Your critical eye still caught the flaws.

“I can see my rolls in this,”

“So? I love your rolls,” Beetlejuice joined you in the mirror, locking golden eyes with yours, a predator’s gaze. He grasped at your waist, across your problem areas with fervour. You scoffed and tore the dress over your head, throwing it unceremoniously back into your pile of shame. Beetlejuice, not deterred,  continued his search with glee, seemingly happy to be helping. It coincidentally was helping with your dying good mood. 

You tried not to get down on yourself. You knew you were cute. Had a generally pleasing face. People called you pretty. Being beautiful? Maybe not that far. The idea of being sexxy had never even occurred to you until you had stumbled upon Beetlejuice. You had never thought so but you knew he had no qualms with the eager way he always admired your body.   

“Ooo! Put this one on!” Pulled from your thoughts, watching as BJ pulled a colourful one from the hoard, he seemed to consider for a moment. “On second thought, no. Your tits look too good in this.”

“Beetlejuice!” You squealed as always at his candor, grabbing at the sweater he was holding. You quickly whipped it over your head turning to look in the mirror. Immediately you noticed your stomach protruding, distorting the design on the front. Even this one had become tighter, arms looking like sausages in their casing. That was it. A person could only take so much.  

“I have to face it BJ. Everything I wear, I look disgusting.” The comment tried to sound normal, but you couldn’t stop the anger in your voice. 

At the sudden silence, you looked up from yourself to your boyfriend. It was hard to tell what he was thinking. You guys had never really had a talk about your insecurities. It wasn’t something that happened on purpose, there was no need to ever discuss it before now. 

It was hard to feel insecure with the way he worshipped you nightly. 

It didn’t stop it from feeling like your truth at times, especially when the answers were in front of you. 

"No, you're wrong, and here's why." Grabbing once again at your arms, you were whirled around, trapped against the dresser.

“You are so fucking beautiful babes. It hurts sometimes to think that a gorgeous breather like you puts up with a creepy old guy like me,” Beetlejuice even went so far as to clamp his hand over your mouth, stopping the protest, surprising you.

“But I know you do because you see the me…..Inside of me,” It was hard to not melt when Beetlejuice was being so naively honest. How this demon could be so menacing one moment, and marshmallow fluff the next, it sometimes made your head spin.

“Who cares about the clothes anyways?! Babes, you could be wearing garbage bags with nothing on your feet and you’d still be the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole afterlife,”

At your ghost’s praise, the realization of being ridiculous began to break through. You knew that you were happy and healthy, which mattered more than whatever dumb voices whispered.

“I know you don’t see it, it’s just...Some days I feel like I look fine and others…..I don’t.”

Beetlejuice embraced you, pressing his entire body against you. Listening to him breath in your hair, taking in his own mossy, earthy smell, you felt peace.

“Even if you don’t feel it, that’s okay. I’ll always tell you your beautiful...Uh… I mean, as long as you know…We’re...dating.” Any mention of commitment was difficult for BJ. You knew of his … ‘Family’ issues and his fears of loneliness and abandonment. If anything, it made you love him even fiercer. 

He would tell you he loved you, when he was ready. You guys had been basically living together for almost a year. It was clear how he felt, even if he couldn’t voice it. You weren’t pressuring him, you could see how hard it was for him.

Affection and sex were the things Beetlejuice didn’t struggle with, always needing to be touching you, constantly buzzing around your area, trying to steal all your attention. Was he a massive pain in the ass? Of course. But you could withstand his quirks, all for the prize of your devoted bugman. There’s nothing you would change.

Taking his grimey face, you lovingly looked up at the weirdest, and the best thing that ever happened to you, and smiled. 

“That means a lot, thank you.”

[nadziejastar]

If both Lea and Isa went through mind control programming how did Axel turn out so well adjusted?

Axel Is A Fucked Up Guy

Ansem the Wise: Xehanort. Foolish apprentice of a foolish man. You have surpassed nothing—only proved how little we both know. We may profess to know the heart, but its essence is beyond our reach.

If you’re asking how a person could be subjected to mind control and still be a good person, and not a total psychopath…well…that’s kind of the mystery of the human condition, no? Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dąbrowski was caught in World War II and endured harsh incarceration in German prison system and later, he and his wife were imprisoned again in Stalin-controlled Poland. He said he could find no theory of psychology that could adequately explain both the lowest and most depraved behavior he saw, as well as the most heroic and highest acts he had witnessed in the war. He dedicated his life to the study of personality development.

Axel: We are just Nobodies who have no one to be, yet we still “are.” But now you can be nothing instead of just being a Nobody. You’re off the hook.

Vexen: No… Please don’t! I don’t want to—

Axel: Goodbye.

But I would actually argue that Axel was NOT well-adjusted, even though a lot of people might have interpreted him to be that way. Not at all. To me, KH3 is the only game that tried to make him seem well-adjusted and “normal”. A cool ice cream bro who breaks the fourth wall. Which I hated. And even then, there’s still plenty of signs that he’s not really recovered from his past.

It seems like a lot of people took Roxas and Xion’s understanding of Axel—a happy-go-lucky big brother—at face value. But it was clear that they didn’t know him at all. He had a very tragic life. He used to be a normal, happy kid and became a lonely, cynical, bitter assassin. He absolutely despised the organization. You could tell that he took great pleasure when he eliminated Vexen. It had nothing to do with some phantom girl he wasn’t sure existed. He said he had “no one to be”.It was very personal. 

Sora: None of that matters! Just put Riku back!

Vexen: Just put him back? The Riku you speak of…has but one fate, to sink into the darkness—and you will share that fate, Sora! If you continue to seek the girl, Naminé, the shackles will tighten, you’ll lose your heart…and end up becoming Marluxia’s pawn!

Personally, I think Axel especially enjoyed killing Vexen when Sora began pleading with him to change Riku back. That would hit really close to home, and must have been a HUGE trigger for him. Whether he was planning to already or not, that was when Vexen needed to die. I also think it’s why he took such a liking to Sora. 

It was Sora’s devotion to Riku that stood out the most to Axel in Castle Oblivion. Even more than his connection to Roxas.Right after Sora and Riku had a fight, Axel has a scene with Naminé.

Axel: Heh heh… I know exactly how you feel. Don’t get your hopes up. Nobodies can’t be somebodies. But think, Naminé. I’m sure there’s SOMETHING you could do…

This is Axel’s quote from the original Chain of Memories.

Axel: Does it hurt, Naminé? Watching your two childhood friends fight all because of you? You have my sympathies. From the heart. But don’t waste your time. We Nobodies can never hope to be somebodies.

And this is his quote from Re:Chain of Memories. He’s a LOT colder to her. And I don’t think it was because he had no heart. I think he was so cold to her because he had begun to develop a heart. Naminé’s the wedge that’s driving two close childhood friends apart. It hit WAY too close to home for Axel. And he truly hated her for it. He was dead serious when he said he had absolutely NO sympathy for her.

Riku: Hmph. Too bad, Sora. You can fight me all you want, but I still won’t remember a thing.

Sora: C'mon, Riku… Let’s quit fighting—let’s go help Naminé.

Riku: Together—right. So like you… …Sora—you’re always trying to worm your way into my heart!

Sora: Hold on! When did I ever do that?

Riku: Hmph, you forgot that, too? You never cared. It never mattered to you!

Sora: You won’t push me away.

He knew how the Riku Replica felt, thinking his friend didn’t care about him. And he knows only too well how Sora felt, trying to “worm his way” into his friend’s heart, only to be coldly rejected. And everything about it disgusted him. Sora is a lot like Lea. It made him remember what it was like to have such a strong bond, and how traumatized he was when he lost it. But Sora refused to take no for an answer. Just like him. But of course, that wasn’t really Riku anyways. Axel knew that. Sora’s friendship will be okay. But Axel’s won’t.

Axel: Is that your shield? Won’t do you any good, I’m afraid.

Axel wanted to save Sora. But he couldn’t have cared less if he killed Naminé. He wouldn’t have batted an eyelash. If anything, he would have been more than happy to do it. He knew she was an innocent young girl who was just an unwilling pawn of the Organization. He didn’t care. It’s so messed up if you think about it. He’d murder a terrified little girl—and he’d do it with a smile on his face. That’s how much he hated anyone who would cause a rift between childhood friends. That’s how devastated he was after the loss of Isa. He has extreme, deep-seated hatred inside of him.

Axel didn’t waste a second grabbing his chakrams. But his body was reluctant somehow.

I don’t want to disappear… But still, it wouldn’t be so bad if I did. Not here.

Axel let out a deep breath and leaped into the air as flames erupted around them.

“…Pathetic!” The Claymore moved to block Axel’s strike, while Saïx himself didn’t even twitch.

This is a pretty overwhelming disadvantage, Axel thought. Well, I knew that before we started fighting. I can’t win against Saïx with my own strength.

Still, he refused to hesitate. He had to force this path open. He wanted…to find hope—the hope that Sora and Riku had.

Saïx gave him a cruel grin. “You will lose everything!” And then the Claymore pierced Axel’s chest.

In my opinion, Axel changed because of Sora and Riku. When he came back from Castle Oblivion, his relationship with Saïx became very strained. Those two reminded him of what he used to have, and it’s unbearable to him that he no longer has it. At the end of KH2, while fighting Saïx, he said that he wanted the hope that Sora and Riku had. He wished that Saïx was just a fake replica the whole time, and that none of the awful things he said were true. The real version had actually gone away to protect him, but he’d show up later, and they could go back to being friends. Hmmm.

Sora: What are you— What ARE you people?!

Axel: Hm… Don’t know. I wonder about that myself.

When Axel saw the way Sora reacted when he killed Vexen, it made him feel ashamed. He realized that “normal” people are horrified by his actions, even when he is acting on their behalf. Sora was furious with Vexen, but even he was appalled by what Axel did.

Sora: After I finish you, he’s next!

Axel: Hmph. Now, Sora. We’ve got more in common than you might think. I’d really rather not fight you… But I can’t dishonor the Organization, now, can I?

Axel: You’re better than I thought you’d be. It was worth saving you after all.

Axel identifies with Sora, but Sora sees him as a monster. Maybe he was relatively well-adjusted compared to some of his fellow Organization members, at least in the morality department. But his “happy-go-lucky big brother” persona was mostly just a facade to cover up a very dysfunctional and wounded person. That was the mask he was comfortable showing outwardly. But it was not his true self.

Day 74: Xion’s Face

Honestly, I never got why Roxas was so crazy about Xion. I know they both joined up around the same time, and they’re both rookies, but how do you get so close to somebody who hides their face all the time? Well, I saw it today. All of a sudden, No. XIV up and takes off…her hood. Xion is a girl, and she looks just like Naminé.

It’s why he acted so strangely when he saw Xion’s face for the first time. He’s looking into the face of the little girl he was willing to murder, who is now asking to be his friend. It freaked him the fuck out. And it made him feel like total shit.

Roxas: When I saw her lying there… I couldn’t stop thinking that she’ll never wake up.

Axel: She will.

Roxas: Saïx called her “broken.”

Axel: Hmm… Well, if it cheers you up, I’m probably a lot more broken than her.

Underneath the mask, was a really fucked up guy who had a LOT of issues. And he KNEW it.

Axel stretched his neck and munched on his ice cream. “You know, I don’t mind disappearing.”

Naminé’s breath caught.

Riku stared at him.

“Roxas is gone. When we bring Kairi here, Naminé will be gone, too. So, same for me,” he said, as if he were discussing the weather, and then punctuated his comment with another bite of sea-salt ice cream.

“We don’t disappear… We’re only reborn,” Naminé murmured, perhaps to herself.

“I’m not like you and Roxas,” Axel said flatly. His hand holding the ice pop stick paused in midair.

“But—but you…” She looked down, clenching her fists.

“It’s because I don’t have a heart,” Axel went on. “I don’t want to disappear, but I’m not upset or sad about it.”

Why was he so convinced that he’s not like Roxas and Naminé? Because he’s not innocent anymore. He’s not going to get a next life because he doesn’t think he deserves one. In his mind, he’s not a good person. He’s done bad things. And he’s poisoned by hatred. I think that’s exactly why he clung to Roxas and Xion so much in the first place, aside from sheer loneliness.

They made him remember who he was before he became so fucked up. But he’d never, EVER tell them some of the things he’s done, or what he’s truly capable of. They’d be horrified and he knows it. He’s always eating ice cream during stressful moments in the novel. Even when he’s literally dying. The shittier he feels, the more he eats. The ice cream is comforting to him because it’s something he used to do in the past with Isa. It reminds him of better days. It’s almost like an addiction. Sea-salt ice cream is viewed as this cute, happy thing. But the reason it is so significant to Axel is because he’s in unbearable pain.

Kairi: So, you gonna try yours on?

Lea: Uh…I dunno. Maybe later.

Kairi: But you always wear the same thing.

Lea: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. This is how you pick me out of a crowd. I make myself easy to remember.

Even in KH3, he won’t take off his old clothes and always stares off into the distance. In my opinion, this has nothing to do with Roxas or Xion. It’s because he’s got baggage. Serious unresolved baggage, connected to his time in the Organization XIII cult. I cannot describe how much I despise the way KH3 downplayed this, and made it seem like his only problem in life was not having Roxas around to hang out with. It felt SO out-of-character to me. Of course he’d want to see Roxas again (who is actually Ventus, IMO). But his entire life doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around that. He had a life before Roxas and that deserved attention. Isa was the root cause of Lea’s pain.

Axel’s title in the series translates into English as “Flurry of Dancing Flames,” but this doesn’t quite capture the meaning of the original Japanese. The English title implies that Axel himself is fire, but the literal parsing of the Japanese phrase is more like “dancing fire’s wind.”

I think that Axel’s title is about Isa. “Tandava” or dance of destruction, is a divine dance performed by the Hindu god Shiva, where he is infamously depicted surrounded by a circle of flames. It symbolizes the cycles of creation and destruction. Sati grew up devoted to Shiva and spurned the advances of rich kings to the point where she left for a forest to escape the constant proposals. Eventually Shiva consented to make her his bride, and, elated, Sati went to share the news with her father.

Axel: Nothing lasts forever, man. Least of all for a bunch of Nobodies. But you know, we’ll still have each other…even if things change and we can’t do this anymore.

Roxas: Yeah?

Axel: As long as we remember each other, we’ll never be apart. Got it memorized?

Roxas: Ha ha, wow, Axel. That sounded ridiculous.

Axel: What? I thought it was pretty deep.

However, upon her father’s expression of his disapproval of her marriage, she immolated herself, praying to one day be reborn as a daughter to a father she could respect. Angered and grief-stricken after learning of Sati’s death, Shiva performed a terrible Tandava. The more Shiva danced, the more destruction arose. Out of grief and sorrow, Shiva carried Sati’s body and roamed around the universe with it, reminiscing of their moments as a couple. It sounds a lot like Axel to me. His relationship with Saïx is akin to carrying a corpse around. Isa’s even got the giant scar on his forehead which literally means “death”.

Eventually, Sati was reborn as Parvati. This time, she was born the daughter of a father whom she could respect; a father who appreciated Shiva ardently. Naturally, she grew up to be a beautiful woman and over time, she grew to love Shiva with her whole heart. Eventually, they married. The two are literally inseparable, as they have a form where they are fused together as one. Their fused form is another symbol of duality. It’s basically the Hindu version of the Red King and White Queen of alchemy.

Another reason I think Axel’s title was about Isa? Well, because that’s what his Mystery Gear weapon was about, too. The Jade Emperor wanted to test the virtue of the hare and his friends. They all gave him food. But the hare had no food except the grass growing in the forest. So he told the Jade Emperor to build a fire, and when the fire was burning, he said “I have nothing to give you to eat but myself!” Then, the hare threw himself into the fire.

Of course, the Jade Emperor caused the fire to go instantly cold so that the hare was not burned, and then revealed his true form. And then he painted the hare’s likeness on the face of the moon for all to see, so that his virtue would be remembered throughout the ages. The rabbit was unharmed and lived happily ever after. In some versions, he actually is taken to the moon and becomes immortal. But the rabbit hasn’t gotten to the moon yet. He doesn’t know that the Isa he remembers is still alive.

Xemnas: There hangs the heart of all hearts–Kingdom Hearts–shining down on us at last. See the countless hearts that have gathered? Hearts full of rage…hate…sadness…and bliss. There, in the sky, hangs the promise of a new world.

In addition to his own abuse, Axel is fucked up because of Isa. He’s angry at what they did to him, and he’s devastated over losing him. He was an emotional wreck, filled with rage, hate, and sadness. His entire arc was building up suspense for the “bliss” part…and then they did a bait-and-switch.

[brandoncarlo]

Okay warning this is a fucked up dream I just had. I need to get it out and immon mobile so idk how to add a readmore. So just skip if you don't like scary things because I'm still shaking and it's a dream so maybe it wasn't actually that scary but holy shit I've been having the most vivid and plot driven scary dreams recently and I need to just start getting them out in hopes they change soon. You can read/respond too idc.

I just had a dream from the third person perspective where there was this guy. Like a family man and he worked for like the military or something heavily focused on brotherhood stuff. And in his personal life one of his children was checked into a psych ward (probably related to my own mental health plans tbh). And so he has this weekly meeting thing where he/whoever has something to say gets up in front of this little auditorium in front of like 100 people or so and talks about life. Kind of like an AA meeting I guess? Anyway he starts off talking about just normal things but then he brings up that he's thankful his kid is getting help for mental illness and how hard it's been for his family. He starts ranting then about how he felt ashamed to talk about it but working here meant loving everyone "even you" and he points to some random guy in the crowd, "even Gary" and this guy who apparently no one liked was like "hey" and everyone laughed. And then I heard "even me?" And thus woman was in the stairs with a wide smile and smudged eyeliner. Now I always have this fesr of someone in a horror movie where they see things being invalidated because they're "crazy" so this must have translated so this man ignores this woman because he's thinking he must be crazy. So he keeps talking about the importance of love and trusting your coworkers. But this woman starts walking down the stairs towards him repeating "even me" and when she gets within reaching distance she turns into three people one man and a shorter woman. And they say "even your family?" He turns quickly then and keeps trying to talk to the audience but you can imagine that he's getting tripped up now. He just really doesn't want anyone to know he's seeing things.

And then they're gone. But at the top of the bleachers there's just a lone dog sitting there. Watching him. A dark dark German Shepherd (my fav dog breed coincidentally). And he's wavering now. Everyone in the audience is staring directly at him. They were laughing at his jokes but now their faces are expressionless. Just watching him. And his blood is pumping his adrenaline is rushing his pupils dilating. Then out of nowhere everyone in the audience starts talking at the same time. I can't pick out any of it. But the entire audience is changed into one of these three people. As in the amount of people haven't changed but by random chance they're all one of those women or that man. And the man I've been following this entire time all of the sudden is sitting in the audience too. He doesn't know how he got there. The scene just changed but the dog is sitting in front of him now. He starts repeating something different "im just crazy, im just crazy this isn't happening. I can't let anyone know this is happening." He's talki g to himself now. Outwardly and obviously but as the world around him distorts it feels less and less real.

The people around him start to do grotesquely normal things. Not that they do anything obviously terrifying or bloody. But they start laughing and it's just Too Much, it's off. One of the people who looks like the original woman starts smiling and her eyes behind her smudged eyeliner get too white and too big. One of the shorter women is crying and throwing herself on the lap of the man next to her and he's sitting so so so still it seems impossible for a human being.

The man who this dream is apparently about, after I've been looking around at this audience I hear his works start to change. It's no longer that he's crazy and everyone knows he can't let anyone know. But it's "kill me" now. Over and over again he just chants kill me. It becomes more and more frantic. Because who would ever want to continue to experience whatever this man is experiencing and it's not ending. The people around him start to get more and more riledd up doing their things but more and more and more. Starting to crawl on one another, letting out shrieks of laughter or wails of sadness.

And the dog looks at him. And the scene changes again. That chanting of "kill me, kill me" stays with me like an echo. But then I'm in a bedroom and theres another dog. Sort of a thin young lab. And this dog is tearing through this room helping and whining in a way that sort of sounds like it's saying "kill me." The sounds shift though so after a few times of hearing this dog it just sounds like an overanxiohs dog whining.

A girl comes into the room. Like mid to older teens. She walks over to the dog and kneels down asking what's wrong. It runs up to her and sits near her anxiously wagging its entire body as she pets it. She turns to me and asks "what are you doing here." I didn't even realize I existed until that moment. I'm shocked.

I wake up.

[fandammit]

With sorrows to impart (8/?)

[A/N: A little shorter than usual and this chapter gave me a lot of headaches, but hopefully it turned out alright regardless. Thanks for continuing to follow along!]

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7

She is nearly positive that she is way too keyed up to fall back asleep while watching E.T, except that the next thing she knows, Schneider is gently shaking her awake.

She lifts her head from his shoulder, which is apparently just way more comfortable than any one shoulder has a right to be, and shakes the sleep from her eyes.

“Sorry I keep falling asleep on you.”

He smiles.

“Don’t be.” He motions to the clock on the nightstand. “We have about an hour and a half before we need to leave, so I figured you’d probably want to start getting ready.”

She nods and stretches next to him, running her hand through her mess of curls as she does.

“Meet you downstairs in an hour and a half?”

He takes a deep breath and nods, the lines of his face falling into misery.

“Hey,” she says softly, taking his hand. “I’ll be right next to you the entire time, so, you know, feel free to use me as an excuse to have to leave a conversation or not talk to someone or – well – whatever, really.”

The corner of his mouth tilts upwards momentarily, then he just shrugs.

“Most everyone there won’t recognize me or know me, probably. And the one person who will, I’d actually want you to meet.”  

“Who’s that?”

“My Aunt Emily.” He glances over at her. “We were close when I was growing up - she came to all my recitals and games even when father didn’t and mom stopped going.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, she was the one who called me to tell me about mom.”

”So you guys are still close?”

He sways his head from side to side and lifts his shoulder.

“Kinda? Closer than I am with anyone else from mom’s side of the family…or, you know, mom.” He squeezes her hand before he lets go and gets out of the bed, brushing his hands across his t-shirt. “She’s actually visited me in LA few times. It’s been a while though – she moved to Toronto to live with her daughter and cross country flights are expensive. But she’ll be the one person there who’ll be happy to see me.”

He offers her his hand and tugs her out of bed, the movement causing her to brush up close to him when she pushes off a little too hard against the bed. She doesn’t move back right away, though she knows she needs to. But she just stands pressed up against him, her fingers intertwined with his, acutely aware of his hand resting lightly on her waist.

She really, really needs to move away from him. Knows that she needs to, desperately and definitively.

Except that all she can think about is the warmth of him  – the press of his fingertips in the small expanse of skin where her shirt has ridden up, the light touch of air when he exhales above her, the expression flickering in his eyes when she lifts her head to look up at him.

His fingers brush up against her skin, then curl around the hem of her shirt, slowly pulling it down until it meets the elastic waist of her sweatpants. She takes a deep, slow breath, hoping that he doesn’t notice how hard she has to try to make sure it isn’t shaky, then steps away from him.

“So, I’ll see you downstairs?”

He clears his throat, then nods.

“Yeah, by the fountain?”

She nods in return, gives his hand one last squeeze, then very quickly walks out of the bedroom and basically sprints out of the suite.

Once she gets to her room, she immediately hops into the shower, blasting herself with cold water for as long as she can handle without giving herself hypothermia, then switching it to a scaldingly hot temperature.

She gets out and towels off, then looks at herself in the mirror.

“Ay, Penelope,” she says, biting her lip then shaking her head. “What the hell is going on with you?”

It’s a question with no answer right now, so she tries another one.

“What are you going to do?”

Her reflection, of course, has no answer for her – just looks back at her with the same level of uncertainty and want back that’s currently roiling in pit of her stomach.

She sighs and turns away from the mirror, opening the door to the bathroom and closing her eyes as the rush of cool air hits her face. The sensation helps to center her somewhat.

Then, she shivers slightly against the abrupt change in temperature and she’s suddenly reminded of the night before – the way Schneider’s arms had tightened around her when a light shiver had rolled through her, how he’d trailed his hand down her arm as he reached down to grab the blanket that had fallen to their waist, the gentle murmur of his voice in her ear when he’d asked if she was better once he’d draped the blanket over them again.

She sighs heavily and tries not to think of how soft his skin is as she walks into her massive room with its massive, unslept-on bed.

So of course that’s all she can think about.

“Get it together, Penelope,” she says out loud, trying to ignore how crazy she’s being right now. She lays back onto the bed and closes her eyes.

Here, in the comfort of her own room, without the press of his body against hers or the feel of his hair against her fingertips, and with solid concrete walls between them, it feels safe to finally think about it:

The fact that she really, really wants to kiss Schneider.

She groans loudly and rubs her hands across her face, annoyed and conflicted and anxious.

It’s not that she doesn’t think he’d kiss her back; in fact, it’s knowing that he will makes her work to avoid it. But his life this past week has involved a lot of huge, life-altering changes. Adding one more to the list isn’t exactly advisable.

Part of her thinks that she should be more curious about where or when or why exactly this is happening now – or, really, at all even. Because she knows that even a year ago, the desire to kiss him would’ve been unfathomable.

But of course that would’ve been before she’d really valued his honesty and sincerity and steadiness, before she’d recognized the small miracle of his generosity.

And that would’ve been long before she’d known the depths of his loneliness or been able to fully appreciate the strength and resilience he’d had to learn because of it.

Most of all, she wouldn’t have known then the feel of his fingers intertwined in hers or his arms around her; couldn’t have predicted how easy it would be or how content it’d make her feel.

And it’s the knowing of all this makes the once unfathomable now undeniable.

The biggest revelation of all is that while the last three days or so have given her a reason to think of Schneider in a different way, they also haven’t actually given her anything new – just made her realize what’s been there all along.

And when it comes down to it, the why or when and how it came to be that she wants to kiss Schneider doesn’t really matter. What matters is that she wants to kiss him, and she’s pretty sure that’s a feeling that isn’t going away any time soon.

In fact, if the past twelve hours are anything to go by, it’s a feeling that’s only going to get stronger.

She’s strapping on her shoes on when she hears a knock.

“Pen?” Schneider calls out from the other side of the door. “It’s me.”

She looks at the clock, then hurries over to let Schneider in.

“Am I late?” She asks as she’s unlocking the door. “Because it’s still –.”

She stops speaking abruptly as the door swings open and reveals Schneider standing on the other side of it, holding the coat he bought for her and looking extremely – a part of her actually thinks absurdly – good in his black on black suit. It’s been perfectly tailored so that it emphasizes the athleticism of his tall frame rather than his lankiness and she finds herself appreciating his shoulders in a way she never has before. He’s wearing different glasses, too – round, tortoiseshell ones that make him look less hipster and more like his age in every possible positive connotation of that phrase.

She actually has to swallow a few times in a row because her mouth has gone dry, and she swears it suddenly feels fifteen degrees hotter than it did a moment ago.

Luckily, Schneider doesn’t seem to have noticed that she’s dropped the entire last half of her sentence and has just spent way too long staring at him. He’s just looks at her and smiles, though it doesn’t escape her notice that there’s more heat than warmth in that, too.

“You look beautiful,” he says before stepping through the doorway. “Well, you always do, but especially so.”

She closes the door behind her and leans against it.

“Well, back at ya.” She cringes inwardly. Maybe a little outwardly, too. “I mean, you look really good.”

“Yeah?” He asks, the question just uncertain enough to be cute rather than cloying.

She smiles, then reaches up to fix his tie even though it’s already perfectly straight.

“Yeah, you look very handsome.” She barely holds herself back from fist pumping because she’s seriously proud that she said handsome and kept it at that rather than blurting out loud what her mind is saying, which is somewhere along the lines of: you look incredibly hot and I keep wanting to run my hands down your suit and I don’t know if it’s the suit or you, but either way it’s definitely not appropriate right this moment.

Then of course, some part of her then thinks: so when will it be the appropriate moment?

She clears her throat and shoves that voice to the back of her mind so she can ignore it.

“I really like your glasses, by the way.” And, yup, there goes her traitorous hand again, reaching up to tap her fingers against the frames while her palm rests lightly against his cheek. But she can’t begrudge herself for it – not when Schneider leans into her touch and smiles at her as he does.

“My mom had ones like these when I was growing up. That’s why I bought them in the first place. ” He adjust them, then clears his throat. “I figured today was as good a day as any to wear them.”

She makes a non committal humming sound in the back of her throat, though what she really wants to say is something along the lines of: Any day is a good day to wear them.

It’s absolutely true, but it also absolutely sounds like flirting. She’s sure she doesn’t mean it that way but also…well, ok – so she’s actually not really all that sure she doesn’t mean it that way. It’s hard to get everything sorted out in her head when she’s just spent the last hour thinking about how she wants to kiss him, and now he’s standing this close to her and smelling really good and looking even better.

She takes a deep breath and smiles at him; tells herself that it’s a little profane and certainly macabre – not to mention completely inappropriate – to start intentionally flirting with someone a half hour before their mother’s funeral.

So she moves past him with her back up against the wall of the narrow entryway so that there’s absolutely no chance that she accidentally brushes up against him, finds that it’s easier for her to breath normally once she’s in the high-ceilinged space of the main room of the suite.

“You’re not late or anything – I’m early.” He drapes her coat over the chair that’s next to him. “You forgot your coat and I was getting all fidgety, so I figured I’d give it to you and then just hang out over here until you were done getting ready.”

She nods, then watches him shake out his own coat then put it on in one fluid motion. It’s a long, dark grey wool coat that looks like it costs more than her car payment and also brings together the entire look he has going on right now in a way that’s almost unbearably unattractive.

She bites her lip, then sits down on the futon and fiddles with the straps of her shoes – mostly to give herself something to do while she regains her composure. When she feels like she can actually look at him without feeling overly warm, she lifts her head.

She smiles, mostly because he looks apprehensive and slightly anxious and she wants to reassure him, but also partly because she’s pushed aside the wave of wanting enough that she can actually meet his gaze and not feel like she’s going to combust.

“So, I’m all ready to go if you are.”

He nods, then picks up her jacket and holds it out like he wants to help her into it.

She looks at it, then at him and has to stop from visibly steeling herself before she quickly walks over and turns around. She puts her arms through the sleeves, shivers slightly at the feel of Schneider’s hand when it brushes up her arm as he settles the coat across her shoulders. She’s about to move her hands behind her to pull the hair out from under it when she feels Schneider’s fingertips against the soft dip just below her ear. He traces a slow path across the back of her neck, his touch languid and lingering in a way that makes her glad her back is to him so he can’t see the way her eyes flutter, then shut involuntarily. He lifts his hand and pulls her hair out gently from under the coat, then repeats the same soft, slow movement with his opposite hand to free the rest of her hair. She feels his hand smooth down the curtain of her hair, which she’s intensely thankful for because it gives her a second to catch her breath again.

She takes a half step away from him before turning around and looking up at him.

“Thank you, Schneider.” And she almost winces at how breathy the words sound.

Schneider doesn’t seem to notice, though – just takes a deep breath and nods. She’s close enough to notice that it shakes a little as he does, and that realization manages to both calm her and thrill her at the same time.

“How do I look?” She asks, tilting her head at him and smiling.

The corner of his mouth turns up in a half-smile.

“Breathtaking.”

[prin666]

Tagline

Out of all the embarrassing decisions I jumped into during that carefree time in my life called “the teenage blunder years”. I think there is nothing more downright cringe than my desire to be understood by being misunderstood. What the fuck does that even mean, right? This desperation to have the world understand that I wasn’t like them fueled a lot of what I did to represent myself outwardly. I dressed in thrift store clothes and brand skate shoes. I shaved the side of my head and dyed it bright red. I looked like an 80s hooker a lot of the time. If you can imagine a hot mess on the outside and the inside and give it smooth caramel skin, perky tits and a tight body that was me. I was a hot mess and fucking proud of that. I’d kill to look like that lil sloot bag again. I could throughly dissect what was actually going on with me but that’s besides the point because my stupid ass went ahead and got “warning” tattooed right above her pelvic bone. That’s it that’s the dumb thing I did.

That would be and continues to be my own personal tagline. It’s very On brand even till today which is why I don’t actually regret it or anything like that I’m actually happy and proud of it but I’m still capable of admitting how stupid it is. It’s also the punchline on the joke that is my fucking life. Warning. Ha! Immediately i regretted it because of its placement. Did my vagina have teeth? Was it riddled with diseases? Why is there a warning? My brain failed to realize that most people don’t sit around thinking in metaphors. This was not a literal warning about my body but more so who I was. I was unstable, messy, lost, and all those things you glorify as a teenager without any guidance.

“Do I sound mad? Well I guess I'm a little pissed

Every action has a point, five points make a fist

You close em', you swing em', it's hurts when it hits

And the truth can be a bitch, but if the boot fits

I got an idea: You should get a tattoo that says warning

That's all, just a warning, so the potential victim can take a left

And save breath, and avoid you, sober and upset in the morning

I wanna scream, "Fuck you Lucy!"

But the problem is I love you Lucy

So instead I'ma finish my drink and have another

Well you think about how you used to be my lover”

Those are part of the lyrics that directly told me to get a tattoo that said warning. Thanks, Sean. I should have just legally changed my name to Lucy so that the overly dramatic part of me that related to “her” would be satiated and i wouldn’t have to explain to the men in my life that I did in fact have a tattoo that said warning on my body 😩 and no there is nothing wrong with my vagina. This tagline that I’ve attached to myself still rings true. I’m not the same type of mess I was back then.

But it should be said that it includes

Warning: Work In Progress

Im a woman now in intensive therapy because I’ve taken responsibility of my life. I’m in control now. The messy parts of me don’t call the shots like they used to and none of this is pretty. Everything fucking hurts and i don’t get to run away from it anymore. I don’t get to drink until it doesn’t hurt or fuck strangers to fill the void. And that’s my choice I don’t want to do those things. I have chosen life and in doing so the warning still stands. That is my tagline. Im just a baby deer standing on its wobbly legs trying to grow big and strong and graceful. WARNING! I’m fucking sensitive. Im BABY.

I might have gotten it tattooed somewhere else tho if I could time machine back perhaps on my feet at the very least but guess what I have on my foot. It’s a fucking shark 🦈 and it’s drinking a fucking 40oz and every time I notice it I let out a genuine belly laugh because it’s glorious. I am something else. Truly, I never needed to make it a point to prove to the world that I wasn’t like them all I had to do was exist. But then I wouldn’t have all this ridiculousness to reflect on and then I’d just be bored. God Bless teenage me. That dumb ass crazy bitch 💕

[alchemisland]

LAX

A little something I wrote this morning. I wanted to fuck around with stream of consciousness from a first-person POV in a future dialect, a bastard hybrid-tongue, with elements of the building blocks present in German. Just some messing really. Enjoy.

There’s a formula to getting on. At my best I’m seen to like things, heard to know things and available should anything arise. Like things ironically, they can’t be used against you then. Such is our way.  I have to go fast. I’m like the bankside chicken, crocs in the river, quicker than they look, out and about on the tides and on the silk, always run, always sideeyes on the look, I have to be, everyone who was ever anyone in the corpo kept sideeyes and notrust always. Some secrets are for sharing in bed maybe, just for the two of you, a little private project to protect, prescient pearls, but some of them are just for one, for me, I want to be in the corpo. I have some big ideas. See, that’s the thing. You can’t care, what are you some weird with mosttime - too much time - are you going very slow, fast is the way buddy, gotta go fast zip along that highway like a lit cracker like a bit knacker, go go go. But sametime you have to care, want to change, why else do the corpo exists if nobody is trying to change any things? I inwardly longchange, but outwardly contentmodel. When you get to the corpo you have your own office and its all private and you can work on what you secretly care about I guess a bit and nobody knows and they won’t hate you and fight out what an uglyinside you are beneath the skin.

Was it always like this? Yes. 

Let’s meet for a walk. Stuff myself on the tram. Sardines against the licked glass, fogging, I can’t see what stop we’re at. Nobody stands clear of the door. Too afraid they’ll get stuck at the back and miss their stop, even though that’s never happened in the history of trams. 

All bets are off. Even the nice are made brutes. Commute is the gauntlet through which we pass. A grinder for the weak, sieving out the chaff from the mid-morning warrior, wielding his laminated pass, standing in his designated spot where he knows the host is lightest, where the same portly gentleman alights each day, leaving in his wake a pocket wide enough for three normal sized people - what’s normal - skinny, skinny jeans palefaced phonejunkie - fat, fat and delighted, newfoundly powerful, exerting agency where before went powerless, bless your little porcine eyes 

Me included, can’t be nice. Lose your place. Am I a loser? Fuck no. Remember, it’s about perception. I can be seen to lose, sure. Everyone loses. Napoleon. Achilles. Wild Bill. I can’t be seen to be OK with losing generally, or to not always be striving to win. Elbow on, even if you know rightly there’s no room, and that another empty tram is up its arse; why wait, I’ve waited three minutes already; elbow on and make room, fog the glass, feel its cold kiss agin your cheek. 

At my stop, all manners, ask nicely while pushing, ask for money with the notes already in your pocket, sorry can I move you there love, asked more with an elbow and a shrug of the shoulder rugbylike than a real silver’d tongue. 

Step off, breathe deep, alighted at last. These laminated scanner cards, for important guys who need to travel to the office every single day, where else, you don’t even need to tag off. Just on. The company, see, they want to know where you’re going. Without statistics and percentages, averages and ratios, how can they improve their service? 

Capacity. That’s the political buzzword. Feeling hot under the collar when the camera flashes form a corona, ask your opponent about their plans to relieve capacity. 

Well, minister, a taskforce has been implemented, whose sole duty is commuter flow and congestive relief, LAX squad, black flak gunjack jacks belt bombs bullets and me and my laminated ticket they wouldn't dare. 

Ticketless scoundrels would be first. Dragged down laneways and kneecapped by the LAXers in their black flak jackets. Fat cunts next. I once watched a woman eat chips from her handbag out my bedroom window. Lifting greasy sausagefingers to and from the clashing rocks of her teeth, those golden potato lumps a less fortunate crew of argonauts than those Jason took from Thessaly. She was shiny with vinegar. 

There’d be a helpline too, for helpful people who like to help out, help the authorities help society help these people help themselves. Hello is this the helpline, I’d say. Yes it is, Mr Helpful they would say. Thank you for remembering, machine, I would say. I’m a woman, said the machine - tricky like. I’d like to report a fat disgusting on the lower road, by the Smiles Institution for the Mentally Wretched. 

Most of the mentals were gone. The government couldn’t afford to keep every wing open. The least wretched were transferred to the regular system, scumbag system, but even mangy bangers that bash grannies for their handbags don’t deserve to be with the Mentally Wretched, those too reptilian to be among us. You remind us too much of something we’d rather not remember, thanks. We shoo them away. Prison is not enough. Special institutions, powerful bespoke disarming elixirs, stronger elastics and fastenings. Rarely ingenuous cures. Lock them up. 

Houses. They’re going to build houses for the people to live in. Rich people, buy out the scum. Stove the roof of my crannog so the rain comes through, then brick by brick build your castle around and above it, until one day the light stops streaming in that hole you made, and the last wet concrete sets on my soul. 

C’mon you pricks. We need houses like a rat needs fleas. Here’s a solution. Form the lax squad for real. Not just for the trams; clean the streets. Fats, uggs, unpops, olds, differents, cunts. 

Who is gonna sign up for that job? Who can be trusted to always make the right decisions? This is the genius part. If I wasn’t a writer slash commuter slash junkie slash tryhard slash huge faker slash dreamer slash cynic what else, I would be a really smart guy in the smart business realm. I have some big ideas. Pour cement over the lower classes, cultural layer. 

How? 

Blimps. 

How does that solve the LAX dilemma? 

People a. Don’t probably want to hurt strangers and b. Don’t want to be associated with stool-softening-rapiding agents. 

Why not. 

Have you never really needed a huge shit? I did once, up the way with Steve and like billy-o I went for the briar and scuttered and likely muttered in the winter, steam coming off the pile, stench worse than dog, cans of cider, Druids cider, did a jig and killed inside me(r). 

Anyway, I know who’s going to join the LAX squad. This is the genius bit now. The mentals. Get the mentals out of the big house - I’ll detail my plans for that shortly - and get them back into society. Doing good is good for you. So, here we go. 

Mentals are out, black flak jackets and chainsaws. People won’t stand for it. Why would anyone take a train where the staff occasionally kill you? Giveaways. There’s really good giveaways and extremely reasonable rates. Timing too. We keep a random element, but within strict confines. If you really, really, really aren’t up for stuffing it, we’ll say ‘Don’t get the tram this Saturday between 5-8, when emergency depopulation maintenance will be underway’. 

If you can kill one of our LAX agents without a weapon, using only your bare hands, you will win 10K cash, free travel for life and immunity for your family, denoted by a yellow laminate card worn on a golden lanyard, sprayed sprayed sprayed c’mon people let’s be reasonable, I’m trying to make savings here. 

Bread and circus meets Mad Max meets Eddie Hobbes, who surname is a fictional tiger and whose occupation was declawing a metaphorical tiger. What will you do with the land freed up from the Mentally Wretched? 

Gorgeous houses. Modest, extremely affordable, allotments for vegetables, flowers and berries, green areas, nice paving and gravel drives, adequate parking. How will you afford this? LAX saves the day. If you’re killed by the LAX officers, they get everything - the corp. Corp work for me. I build the houses. Move all the lowers in. The bad ones. 

They hear hissing. I say just heating, pipes, old Victorian brass jobs with whistles, dials, bells and sheen shine Die Glocke. Are you sure, they say. Petition. 

Please check this hiss, we do most definitely certainly hear something a-hiss. 

Goose I said. I have a farm of geese for you lowers this Christ day. 

No they say, we have seen and heard no goose. 

Did you look, I know they haven’t and it’s a trick for time. They know it’s a trick and won’t let me escape, even after I discharge the smoke bombs I had in my pocket, which were actually stinkers and we talked in the smelly, green cloud about the hissing sound and I secretly dialed for the boys. Come get me, boys. Some of these lowers is closing in. They smell bad and can’t read, which makes them basically skunks with Nike shoes, and they like things where people do things. 

Watch the show about the hissing maybe, that would be a good idea for to make more money, make them pay a fee to watch their neighbors in the house trying to find the source of the hissing. 

What is this hissing, daughter, ist thou vibrator on? This is how lowers speak, underpeople. Not me, smart, right smart, commuter man and going to be part of the corp with some of my ideas. Perhaps fidder, says the underdaughter, is idst thou vibrator? All laugh, others laugh other house, nobody finds the hiss and I escape. 

I keep them busy arguing about all the things until the boys come. Hi boys, get them please. The unders would be forced back into their house, lower house but nice ones that I built and now the hissing is so bad you can hear it inside and out and that’s a really crazy feeling and sound, even I can hear it but I let them know?? You crazy, Joe. this is a corp game and I’m the man in the know who runs the slow got the special glow and today’s another day at the corpo. 

One of the boys, I think his name was Dermot. He’s a middler and can’t ride the trains and I see his laminate is brown which is the same colour as shit and it makes me not like him and then I realized maybe why nobody was rushing to join the LAX squad, I wouldn’t want to be associated with any of the ass processes. Maybe I’ll have the name changed; I have those powers, I’m in the corpo. 

He asks me what the hiss is. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about I said and we get in the car and then I don’t have to lie because the unders can’t hear, with the hissing. 

He has music on, quite uncorpo stuff but good. Pale Rapist is their name. They played Frunk, the latest hellvariant from genresmith and axemaster Obscene Pete. Turn this up I said to Dermot who is in the front now driving, so the lowers can’t hear.

I says this hissing you hear he says yes I do sir. Snakes. No way, yes way snakes, where, in the walls in the foundations in the long grasses and beneath the pools, in the pipes and rafters and hollows and sinks, coiled in shoes and cupboards and shelves, I have a snake button at the office. Once I push it, all the Lowers are gone and it’s time to make some money. 

Put all the snakes back, move more unders in, release the snakes. It goes on forever and it makes loads of money and sense. He’s wowed, under me, I’m from the corpo and Pale Rapist is blaring, blaring. Back to the office please and inputs the coordinates. Runes grow blue on the panel. A rift appears and the unders can hear the fabric of space tearing like wet paper even with the hissing that they think is pipes because I tricked them and they believed me, I have nice eyes and I ride the train and my lanyard glints while theirs has a little bit of string like a desiccated length of ancient sausage. 

Through the rift right to HQ, big H, the corpo HQ and my office is enormous, large enough for a rift and the whole car and the lot. I step out, clear of the rift or you’ll lose more than an inch trust me, if my dick wasn’t so big I’d be worried, I could stand to lose an inch or two and still feel swole. He drives back, closes it, leaves. 

Sit at the desk and the snake button is there where I asked for it, it’s pushed like an aging king from his battlements before you can say snakes coming out of every pore and eating all the lowers. 

Guess what, genius idea I had already and didn’t say. The lowers and unders and middlers living elsewhere paid their fee and guess what they’re watching on PPV? New hit show. Billion viewers. Undersnake. 

Which family will survive? I planted one shotgun in the under area. One underfamily will find it. If they survive it’s gonna be good news. Cash money enough to be a middler. They can watch the next season live, cousins maybe. Holy shit idea again, they can be judges, or helpers. One lifeline. You can call this vet fam and ask they sage advice in direst perils. Yeah, season two is gonna have a lot of new stuff. 

Show is over, good ratings. No rift home, take the train. What time is it? Oh the one thing I love about Saturday work. 

My own LAX are on the take today. 

Another forty minutes. I love a challenge, dare me and dare I and how dare they, let’s have a go they would never kill the boss for I was the one who invented the LAX and now the trams run basically on time.

[nzenuniverse-blog]

At What Time Do Black Lives Matter?

At what time do Black Lives Matter? Is it at 7:05 pm on April 4, 1968 when MLK Jr is pronounced dead from the bullet of his assassination? Is it at noon on August 28,1963 when the “I Have A Dream” speech came into being? Is it Saturday, June 6, 2015 at 12:15 pm when Kalief Browder lynches himself in the Bronx? Is it at 2:53 in the afternoon when Michelle Obama announces the Global Girls Alliance? Is it at 3:30 during an Alamo siesta on February 5, 2016 when Tidal X: 10/20 makes its proclamation of a 1.5 million dollar donation to the Black Lives Matter movement to commemorate Trayvon Martin?

Black faces like those mutilated like Emmett Till. Black voices that guide us through the depths of Inner City Blues. Black is the color of her kinky hair.

So when in this time where Black-ish breathes new life into the family Huxtable, where we are little more than one week a way from seeing a renewal in fervor over this generations’ question of the Ballot or the Bullet, do Black Lives Matter?

It has been 54 years since Malcolm X spoke the words “We have made a greater sacrifice than anybody who’s standing up in America today.” to the congregation wedged in the dusty pews of Cory Methodist Church in Cleveland, Ohio. Within those five decades since, the shift in societal behavior in regards to the thought constructs of race and how those thoughts manifest outwardly, in policy, in economics, in daily interactions has been radical. Though, to anyone of moral conscience, this notion of radicalism belies the nascent complexity of the problem. The idea that black business, black  leaders, black excellence of any cultural vanguard is novel, should have always been. So, the question as to at what point do Black Lives Matter is inherent to the insult that at any point they did not matter.

The fact that it is no longer novel to have a black face like that of Frederick Douglass or Van Jones deliver commentary on the state of our culture on our television screens and mobile devices is essential to the progress of global societal consciousness. To think of ourselves as one human race. This maybe one reason why acclaimed civil rights activist, DeRay McKesson, describes how the Black Lives Matter movement is leaderless by design to prolific comic and tv host Sarah Silverman in an interview from her television program “I Love You America” dated from October of last year. When the black face becomes commonplace in the world of business, arts, and politics it allows for the disassociation of ideas of individuals from the colors of their skins. This maybe one reason why Kanye West has chosen this moment to stage several media events to challenge and provoke the conversation of how and why Black Lives Matter through incendiary commentary and planned promotional campaigns.

For example, maybe Ye in his recent visit on October 14 to meet with the Ugandan President Museveni was making allusion to the hip hop song by Brother Ali “Forest Whitaker” and The Last King Of Scotland. Do those Black Lives lost in the genocide Matter ? Could it be that in his infamous repugnant statements made on TMZ in May of 2018, where he claimed that slavery was a choice, that he is inviting deeper thought as to the obviousness of how it was not a choice and the psychology of clickbait tactics? If, as according to physicist James Joule writing in the 19th century, how by the Law of Conservation of Energy, that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it transforms from one form to another, then where does all the hatred of Bull Connor and George Wallace go? Maybe that is what Kanye was referring to when he claimed to have the balls to where a hat in a recent luncheon with President Trump and Jim Brown. Could it be that Kanye was provoking deeper thought as to what it means to be wearing hatred like blacks did daily. Is it still done daily?

Maybe in an age where it’s increasingly difficult to do anything radical unless you are tackling the most deeply entrenched societal taboos like sex work, West is proving the physical manifestation of clickbait marketing culture; proving himself a savvy entrepreneur in the branding battles of the internet and influencer economies. These questions as to the talented tenth of intent weren’t possible in the sixties because the idea of black leadership, business, arts and culture was so “novel” to racist society. It is important to remember that when thinking about the variety of thoughts currently circulating in the Black Lives Matter and black excellence conversations.

In thinking again about correlations to the transference of emotional energy and the Law of Conservation of Energy, it is possible that West is influenced by having watched the excellent Serious Jibber Jabber talk from August of 2014 between heralded author Michael Lewis and legendary late night tv host Conan O’Brien. When Michael Lewis, author of “Flashboys” and “Moneyball”, references “The Structure of Scientific Revolutions” by Thomas Kuhn in stating “a disruptive entrepreneur is inherently insulting” it is similar to things West discusses in his nearly two hour interview held on April 18, 2018 with popular radio host Charlamagne tha God, where he states that people will take something enlightened out of context and call it crazy to diminish its impact. In both talks, the men reiterate points about how when there are those who are the first to see things in a new way and pioneer a view that is threatening to the status quo, the surrounding industry reacts with great hostility. Dave Chappelle, who recently received the WEB du Bois award from Harvard University, made similar comments in his famous Inside the Actors Studio interview with James Lipton nearly a decade earlier.

If the Wall Street system is rigged as Lewis so brilliantly lays out in his treatise, then all colors are disenfranchised in the war against class. And West is right to point out the hypocrisy of the black community to be automatically anti-Republican. It is possible that West is taking a page from his wife’s book here as she has brilliantly embodied the Republican tenets of family first, the creation of generational wealth and rugged individualism. I think in an indirect way her genius as an entrepreneur is progress in the war against sexism in challenging the deeply held taboos against sex work. The manner in which she annually compounds her wealth through successfully monetizing and marketing her beauty is testament to her vast business savvy, instinct and skill, so much so that it renders irrelevant the tarnish of a tape, which by any means of an abstract, rational moral philosophy is hypocritical to judge if she is meeting the laissez-faire of demand meeting supply.  

Furthermore, in her advocacy for prison reform and the freedom of Alice Marie Johnson, I think she is finding her own way to participate in the concept of a “noblesse oblige”, an idea Lewis offers as an antidote to what he labels as the “vice of meritocracy.” The vice of meritocracy being a problem of modernity in the stratification of the classes as a function relative to the notion of effort, whereas in previous times, he argues, those born of privilege came into their wealth with a sense of that duality of advantage and a need to pass those advantages on to others. I think Republicans are good at communicating to its constituents “Focus your energy on the problem you want to solve and do it.” I think this is the reason why, despite the moral repugnancy of what he is seemingly corroborating in his meeting with Trump, etc., that ultimately, it is a good thing for West to highlight the dangers of limitation in maintaining a sense of automatic anti-Republicanism in the black community.

In closing, as the Ballot or the Bullet of the 2018 midterms approach, I question if anything continues to be more segregationist than a seeming conspiracy of consensus towards the segregation of intellectual class by means of coding and lexicon in promoting systemic ignorance. That silence of the methods of the money changers is a taboo I’d like to see change in 2019. And so time marches on. The first time I saw the black excellence of “sky is the limit” music video in my early teens, I thought how sweet, how cute, the children of hip hop running through their fantasy of everything they dream they can be and become. It was only in my late 20s that I began to recognize that maybe Spike Jonze was having a conversation with Biggie Smalls, Puff Daddy and 112 about some of the tougher issues limiting the growth of black culture: the historic infantilization of blacks as a means of degrading their intelligence, the over-commercialization of rap as a means to foster mental pollution through vapid consumerism, and the thought that for hip hop to survive as a musical movement it has to grow from adolescence but since, well since a long time, America has been like a drunk seventeen year old racing around in the world’s Mercedes Benz while we all just wait for the inevitable crash.