#but losing cassy just compounded it. including reinforcing some of those less than stellar reminders. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

orcelito · 2 years ago

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Ykno sometimes trauma is in the stupid little things no one thinks about being traumatic. The little things that take you back, make a funny little video remind you of one of the most painful nights of your life

And you can't fault anybody for that. Not even yourself for looking at it. So you're just like. Sitting here & contemplating this bitch we call life

#speculation nation #negative/#i guess?#animal death ment/#preemptively tagging bc im expanding on it #they do say sudden deaths can cause trauma. and i already knew i had some from when sammy suddenly died.#but losing cassy just compounded it. including reinforcing some of those less than stellar reminders.#i cant listen to a cat yowl without getting thrust into a personal hell of dread #i ended up trembling after june bug was yowling from being put in the cage lol #i think the most stupid thing is the tongue thing #cat 'bleps' are widely seen as cute. it's delightful when i catch my cats doing them!#but 75% chance it makes me think of sammy and cassy. probably like 95% chance if i see it online bc it's static and lasting #sammy spent the entire time in my last visit with him with his tongue out. it wasnt cute. it was heartbreaking.#and then when cassy was put down. his tongue ended up sticking out. just something about the process of death.#sticking Way out. entirely unnatural for him. i touched it and played with it. cold dead meat.#i knew both times that being there as they died would be unpleasant. but i decided to stay both times anyways.#bc i wanted to be there for my boys. i didnt want them to be alone with some stranger in their final moments.#but now i live on. carrying the knowledge of what they looked and felt like in death.#it's odd being a cat lover and having cat related trauma. im making sure it doesnt get in the way of me properly caring for my cats #i may hate the fucking vet and want to curl up in a ball when i think about the animal hospital #but if they have a problem. i have to go. i Have to go. and i have to bring them whether they want it or not.#i just... hope that i can avoid any catastrophic animal hospital visits for at least a few more years...#cassy died one year and nine months after sammy did. almost exactly.#it was enough time for me to start to heal from the sammy trauma. only to get torn right the fuck back down.#i'll heal again. i know i will. but i feel like it's gonna take even longer.#it hasnt even been a month since cassy died. even with a new cat i dont know what im doing half the time.#but i will keep moving on. ive learned from my mistakes. ive resolved to make the future better & i try not to think about my guilt #i try not to think about the fact that cassy wasnt even 2 years old. he shouldve had a much longer life #and a simple oversight of mine ultimately killed him. both tally and june bug are vaccinated for it though. thank god.#idk why it's not mandated by shelters. feline leukemia has a 95% death rate apparently. and so preventable...

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