#but like. that makes me wonder if i've actually cleared WAY more than 50 songs if the counter was busted like that

[spectrearia]

that was WAY HARDER than it should've been I'm so upset I had to clear like 5 extra Perfect songs because the counter WASN'T GOING UP even though I was clearing them 😭

BUT I GOT IT!!!! YAYAY!! o(≧∀≦)o

[crmsnmth-journal]

5/7/2024 8:50 PM

Another day, another never ending battle of stomach cramps. I thought we got this cleared up but it seems I get to deal with it again. At least this time, I think I can stop from going into the doctor's office to be told to go home and do what I'm doing anyway. Of course, it has to really act up the night I really need to get to bed earlier then normal. I've got probation at 8:30 in the morning and then I'll just end up hanging out at work until service. I'm leaving early tomorrow night at around eight. I just don't want to be there. And if I'm going to be there all goddamn day tomorrow, I might as well punch in and take care of all the extra maintence stuff. Maybe go over my inventory lists and check in on some product switching. It's that time of year where our distrubitor usually throws new products on and it's a good idea to try out new apps. Gives an incentive for new customers. That is, if my boss actually let's me do my job and bring people in. It's his pride that gets him. He needs to think he's better than everyone and I think it pisses him off that I've done a hell of a lot more in my life then he is. I got the fuck out of this town. Sure, my experiences were mostly horrible and depressing, but I didn't sit in this crappy little town and waste my time, running my father's business. And now, his dad is liquidating the business, and he isn't going to be able to say he owns it amymore. Not like he ever did. It makes me wonder how legal his ownership in the alley is. Anything I've ever seen doesn't list him as a co-owner, or his wife. The only person on those is the guy who actually owns the business. I'm sure he owns it fully.

I'm sure my mother is about to kick my brother and his partner out. Almost 100% positive. It's kind of weird, looking at from an observation stand point. He's turned into what I was. And somehow, out of the three of my brothers, I've become the most responsible. I guarantee there is not a single person who knew our family that would have guessed that. I've always been the starving artist, hedonist anarchist punk kid with a penchant for hard drugs and booze. And he was always the do good in school, make money, work a job and be responsible. And in the past two years he's lost his house, he has no job that I'm aware of, other than side jobs that never pay what you actually deserve. I rarely see him leave the house. It's really sad.

I refunded my concert tickets. Amigo The Devil will be back, and I'm sure Frank Turner will too, I just won't be seeing them together. It didn't really bum me out until it was official. These two musicians literally saved my life and came to me at the two very lowest points of my life. Amigo's Stronger Than Dead is my next tattoo, although every song off Yours Until The War Is Over is tattoo worthy too. Maybe I'll just get a huge Amigo piece. And Frank Turner has been an absolute favorite since THE BIG EX, ex-girlfriend played The Ballad Of Me and My Friends in her truck. We were on our way to Target to find a better shirt for me to wear to meet her mother and step-dad. The song held me and ever since then Frank is in constant rotation. The album "Tape deck Heart" came out right after she broke up with me, and I'm not sure I've ever related more to an album then I did with that one at that time. It's my favorite album by him, but god, does Side A still cut pretty deep.

[grandhotelabyss]

I. A wonderful piece of music that I think pairs well with Shelley's poetry is Terry Riley's 'The Harp of New Albion'. It's a solo piano piece, improvised within a set structure, that is inspired by one particular myth of the aeolian harp. I bring this up not just for the aeolian harp connection, but because it seems to me that this partly-improvised piano piece, where some tricky maths is used to make the keyboard less familiar and more intuitive, is a wonderful instance of romanticism's odd relationship to science and intuition.

Instead of the twelve evenly-spaced notes that most Europe-derived music uses, Riley tunes his piano in such a way that the twelve pitches are uneven — some notes are very closely spaced, others widely far apart. Because of this, you can't really play familiar songs in such a system, but you have access to combinations of notes that are quite literally impossible on a regular piano. This 'just intonation' tuning, however, is based on some simple principles of acoustics (which I won't go into, for fear of bringing math into a literary space). Thus, it is in one way purer and immediate (acoustically-derived), in another way more intellectual (takes a lot of intellectual preparation), than what we're used to. Much like romanticism itself!

II. 'The Harp of New Albion' comes from what is sometimes called the American 'maverick' tradition in classical music, which continues directly on from the American transcendentalists — starting with Charles Ives' Concord sonata, with its movements named after Emerson, Thoreau, Hawthorne, and the Alcotts, and often referring back to it throughout its history. Kyle Gann in particular (who I think of as, in some ways, doing what you do as a critic but for this area of the artistic cosmos) has named and/or dedicated a number of pieces after Emersonian and Thoreau-ian sayings and themes.

In fact, I would call the American maverick tradition (a deliberate contradiction on my part) one of the most direct inheritors of romanticism proper — not, to be clear, the academic-classical scene (popularly called 'uptown') but the experimental line that goes from Ives through Partch, Cowell, Johnston, and Nancarrow; on to Young, Ashley, Monk, Feldman, Cage, and others in the 50s-60s explosion of beat and hippy culture; on to the minimalists of the 70s and 80s, who reclaimed beauty and simplicity in a very Romantic way — most notably Reich, Glass, and (bringing us full circle) Terry Riley himself.

III. This leads me to my actual question: As you've probably discerned by now, I'm a musician, and I wanted to know how you would feel about the term 'Romantic Realism' being used as a self-descriptor by artists in other media?

Particularly if they (i.e. I) used it, as I think you do, to indicate both a kind of faith in a tradition, or at least engagement with historical precedent; and the fusion of seeming opposites (the romantic and the realist). To rewrite a paragraph of yours, "My music aims for an aesthetic synthesis most musicians seem to have abandoned, a now-rare combination of elements long since precipitated out into divergent marketing categories, however their spiritual union was taken for granted by modern artists from Palestrina and Beethoven to The Beatles and Hendrix: harmonic invention, textural stylishness, unique melodies, architectural form, lyrical provocation, and emotional rapture—all this plus a fearless raid on as much of the present as I can manage in a musical period timidly focused on the mere self, the vanished past, or hollow fantasy." This does not exactly describe what I do, but it's something with which I would like to align myself.

(forgive the mini-essay, but it flowed out of me as more or less a single thought. I've oversimplified a lot, & I hope if nothing else it provides some interesting insight into the role, or a role, that music might play in our ongoing cultural shift)

Thank you, that was fascinating, and I'm listening to the Riley piece now. (Trivia: haven't listened to him since the eighth grade, when a rather progressive music teacher, "progressive" relative to the Catholic school I attended, put him on for us. I knew his name because he was cited as one of Adrian Veidt's favorite musicians in one of the fictional chapter endpapers of Watchmen!) While I have some familiarity with some of the musicians you mention and knew about Ives's relation to American Romanticism, I wasn't aware of this tradition as a tradition and will explore further.

I'm happy to see "Romantic Realism" get picked up by other artists. I will be interested to see what people who work in other media and forms do with the "realist" part. I know what I mean by "realism" as applied to narrative or dramatic fiction (i.e., contemporary in subject matter) and to painting or illustration (i.e., figurative), but not so much what it would mean for music. A quick search suggests musical realism focuses on "authentic emotion" and "life scenarios," but I wonder if adopting the Platonic meaning of the term wouldn't be the more powerful move for a musician, speaking of Emerson:

For poetry was all written before time was, and whenever we are so finely organized that we can penetrate into that region where the air is music, we hear those primal warblings, and attempt to write them down, but we lose ever and anon a word, or a verse, and substitute something of our own, and thus miswrite the poem.

[psychewritesbs]

This is psychology related rather than anime related. My friend recently introduced me to the music of Clarence Clarity and I wondered if you knew it. Because one of his songs is called 'Obsessed With my Shadow Self' and there's a pair of songs he collaborated on with Entrepreneurs called 'Death Tactics' and 'Fuck Tactics'. The connection to Jung with the first seems pretty clear, but the second one also seems like a life/death drive thing, right? (I don't remember much about Jung or Freud - it's been 10 years - and if the life/death drive is a purely Freudian concept not a Jungian one, please forgive me)

HOLA! The truth is we’re all fucked 💀✨

I've never heard of them but they sure have interesting lyrics just from the 3 songs you shared with me. It's refreshing to read lyrics that aren't about bitches and ho's and heartbreak, so thanks for sharing!

As with art, interpretations are always subjective, and even though the lyrics were super cryptic, I found some of the lyrics relatable since I've come face to face with my own death drive before.

Short answer: So yeeees... I totally agree about these death drive themes happening in these songs.

I actually get nerdy 🤓 excited just thinking about it.

Long answer below the cut because God knows I can vomit words:

When you're about to lose it all You've got introspection

I mean... this whole idea of being obsessed with one's shadow self? Like... yes. How cool is that? Mostly because the shadow is mostly available to the conscious mind as a projection of that which we reject.

+ introspection is the way that the shadow self is assimilated.

Death/fuck tactics are interesting because, as a Marketing nerd, I'm always looking at how to implement strategy vs. tactics. So this song almost feels like it's about someone who is haphazardly destroying whatever he doesn't like, sometimes in the cruelest way possible (let it bleed for 50 days).

And all because why? His inner-demons are asking for an offering.

ok so I am having a hard time communicating this in English, Spanish word makes more sense but in English it lacks oomph--think of how the Aztecs offered/sacrificed virgins to their Gods for continued luck with rain, war, etc. Same sentiment.

To me, acting out on one's inner demons means that they asked for an offering in order to be appeased, and the action is the offering itself. But that's just the kind of relationship I have with my inner-demons. Little fuckers I swear...

Ah inner-demons... I personally bounce back and forth between darkest dark and brightest bright with most of my time spent somewhere in the middle. But... idk about you but listening to my inner-demons gets exhausting after a while. I wouldn't want to live forever if I spent most of my time committing acts that feed said demons.

I think you've read my post on my death wish? These songs kind of remind me of that. But instead of self-harm, this person is harming others. We're both acting out the death drive.

I'd add that the difference is that even when I go into my self-destructive hole, I always know I'll come back up, because psychologically, life is a process of ego death and rebirth. This person sounds like they don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So these are my thoughts. Curious about yours! It seems like you’ve really liked the songs.

[lifeisadoozy]

sharing a short dousy video edit i made.

i don't know why but i really like this and thought i'd share it on here too.

should i rant about what goes in my head while making this video? no. will i? yes.

basically the song is beginning middle end by leah nobel from to all the boys i've loved before part 3. this song is basically about two people falling in love from the early years of their lives. since lara jean and peter met when they were kids. but then started (fake) dating in high school and their adventure together started right then and there. anyway, watch the movies if you haven't already. this song fits lara jean and peter so well (i don't know if it was written specifically for them or not).

but daisy and sousa didnt meet when they were kids because of one obvious reason: when daisy was a kid, sousa's dead; and when sousa was a kid, daisy hadn't been born yet. they weren't supposed to meet. so their journey started off separately.

daisy's beginning in shield was rocky, to say the least. but she found a home there with coulson, fitzsimmons and may (i'll get to ward) in season 1. they bonded quite quickly, mainly daisy skye and coulson. i think it shifts when she got shot by ian quinn. everyone in the team, especially ward was terrified and angry at the situation. now. she had a relationship with miles early on in the season, which was broken off. but within the context of the song, her beginning was ward. he was her s.o. she was falling for him when she uncovered that he's hydra. add that trauma to the ones she already had prior to shield. no wonder she has trust issues.

her middle was her powers. even though the story started early in the series, it's still the middle. because she struggled with her powers throughout seasons 2 - 5. the middle would always be the bulk of it all. it's where everything happens. it's the crux of a character, of a person. it's where daisy became daisy. now, in the middle of her middle (pun very much intended), was lincoln. the first inhuman who helped her and understood her. i'm sure they've got their own problems and everything, but it doesn't change the fact that he was someone who knew what she's going through. none of her found family could help her the way he could. this is where i think it gets interesting. seasons 2 - 5, where i said was her middle, and basically the peak/climax of daisy as a character, she was falling for and fell for lincoln. it was known that daisy was still in love with lincoln in season 5. possibly around 2 years after he died. but then we found out that she had moved on from lincoln in the beginning of season 6.

season 6 and 7 is the end of her journey with the team. they're still a family. just a family who occassionally see each other. now in season 6, like i mentioned previously, it was acknowledged that daisy had moved on. the past will always be with her, no doubt. the trauma would stick. hopefully just bits and pieces. but it would still be there until she either had alzheimer's, dementia, any other retrograde amnesia injuries or diseases, or the day she died. she would never forget lincoln or ward, heck even miles. she won't forget her past. unless it was taken away from her. so, back to the topic at hand, she wanted her own fitz. she had grown from the woman she was in the beginning, she had grown from the woman and superhero that she was in the middle. she knows who she is now. with the people she worked with. and the people she calls her family. and also with anyone. daisy's ending was perfect (to me at least). she wasn't looking for love right then and there. she was burnt one too many times. but she wanted that kind of love and support. the love and support that fitz and simmons have for each other. something that daisy lacked all her life. she ended up with someone who gave her what she wanted. and what she needed.

with sousa, it's a little different. because we didn't get to see much of his background and family life. we didn't get to know what his life was like during the war and before the war. we begin to see him in the ssr. we all knew, literally everyone knew, even the characters knew that sousa's practically in love with peggy. except for maybe peggy herself. but i'm sure she had an inkling. she definitely had an inkling. but then things go on and he became chief of the west coast office and he was in los angeles while peggy was in new york. he moved on (or so we thought). he started dating violet and was ready to marry her. he told her he loved her. and he did. it's just that he was also in love with peggy. still. and violet saw that. it's as clear as day. and they broke it off.

we didn't get to see much of sousa's middle. mainly because ac wasn't renewed for a third season. which was such a waste because it ended with so many things left unanswered. but we know that between 1947 - 1955, peggy and sousa broke up. we have no idea why. we don't know if steve was back. nada. all we know is that they broke up. when did they break up? again. no idea. but we know that peggy means a lot to sousa. she's like (sorta; i don't like making comparisons but anyway) sousa's lincoln in a way (i'm not saying that they're the exact replica. daisy/lincoln and peggy/sousa are quite different. but they do have similarities. those pairings are the kind where they want to be together forever but knew that it wouldn't work; my interpretation). she didn't die, we know that. but she's sort of the one that got away. my guess is that it's because shield and the world was more important than each other. which wasn't dissimilar to daisy and lincoln's situation. so, yes. peggy's sousa's middle. she influenced him a lot. and he found himself amidst ssr and shield (just like daisy did).

sousa's end was again, perfect. he went to the future. got to see what the organisation he helped build came to be. he went on an adventure to explore space. which he would geek out over. instead of dying, he got to live. with the love of his (new) life. he may be a man out of time, but with daisy and their ragtag family, he is right where he belongs.

daisy and sousa began with "who the hell are you" and ended with "it's beautiful" (just putting this here because i love that fact).

so. they started pretty quickly, didn't they? 4 episodes in and sousa fell in love with daisy. 7 episodes in and daisy fell in love with sousa. though i doubt that they thought they're in love. but they're falling. or walking towards it. 7x03 was when they met. it's where it all began. in area 51 of all places (foreshadow much?). but what's even more interesting is that technically, they began twice. from daisy's perspective, they met in 6x13 (which plenty of people had pointed out; but @agents-of-fangirling was the most recent). even though they didn't actually meet because sousa was wearing that blue (seriously his colour really is blue) hazmat suit and daisy was disoriented (may dying and all that jazz). but from sousa's perspective, they met in 7x03. where they actually made eye contact and conversed. how many couples can say that the when of their first encounter was debatable?

now. their middle, in the video edit, i used the scene from 7x10. because i think that's a pretty good middle. they had their first first kiss. sousa had no idea that happened. yet, there he was, wanting to help. just like his time-loop self. he extended a hand and she accepted. she accepted help. do you know how much of a development that was??? because i think that it's a huge character development (i still haven't rewatched so don't take my word for it). i think that's a good depiction of their middle. oh yeah. before i forgot. they also had two first kisses. and again, i say, how many couples can say that they had two first kiss? figured i'd choose the scene in the middle of those first kisses (pun intended lmao).

sidenote: did y'all see the devastation in her eyes when sousa volunteered to stay in the 80s? or how her eyes went wide and she started to panic when he was injected in the time loops? sousa's a man of action. and when he says something, he means it. so, his constant concern over daisy and him wanting to help in any way he can, it's his love language.

and then we have their ending. the perfect end to an imperfect couple (because nobody's perfect *cue hannah montana*). daisy got sousa a typewriter. because he's from the 50s. since when did daisy buy gifts for her boyfriends/partners/lovers? and they watched e.t. together? that's normal couple things. even though they are far from normal. but they get to experience it all together. daisy didn't get to in the past. none that we know of anyway. and now she does. also, that smile when she talks about him. that fond smile that grazed her lips at the thought of him. i've never seen her smile like that before (none that i remember; and if she did, well then i'm so so happy for her). she looks happy. serene. and her saying "he's a dork" twice in the season just makes my heart burst with happiness for them.

sidenote: my headcannon is that "he's a dork" is code for "i love him too much to explain it in words."

i'd like to believe that even though it has ended, their story has just begun. they're going through their middle right now. and i hope that they won't end. in other words, their end was not an ending. it was a beginning of a new life.

as daisy said, "we're loving the journey together." keyword: journey. it's a long road up ahead. with countless of challenges and obstacles in the way. but in the end, all that matters is that they face it together.

that's it. thanks for coming to my ted talk (for those who actually read it all the way through, i love you).

[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar