#but like. id like to pretend i try new things more than once in a blue moon

[oswaldthatendswald]

Heyyyyyyy anyone got any book recommendations for fans of The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells, The Locked Tomb by Tamsyn Muir, and What Moves the Dead by T. Kingfisher? (Current favorite books/series) (I'm going to be travelling a lot the next two weeks and I'm trying to find some new books)

[snoopyracing]

back to december // ln4

pairing: lando norris X reader

word count: 9k

warnings: swearing, alcohol use, and implied sex

includes: friends to lovers, pining, fluff, and angst.

summary: follows lando and the reader from the beginning of their relationship all the way until the end. based off of ‘back to december’ by taylor swift.

A/N: some of this is may not be biblically f1 accurate so please just close your eyes and pretend it is. who cares when the vibes are great. also don't forget.... i'm also just a girl...

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The days blurred together anymore, blurred into the same monotonous routine.

Wake up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, and then distract yourself from your own thoughts until it was time to go to bed. Some days were worse than others, but it was your own self destructive tendencies that got you into this state.

Today was a particularly shitty day, especially for a Friday. You couldn't wait to get home, but walking through the door to an empty apartment was something you still hadn't gotten used to. The bright warmness that always seemed to cascade through the apartment was replaced with dark coldness. The blinds were always shut now, the apartment could easily be mistaken for a vampire's liar at this point. The music that once played almost 24/7, that got you guys plenty of noise complaints, now collected dust on the shelf. The smell of dinner cooking as you walked through the door was now replaced with the Chinese takeout from two nights ago heating up in the microwave.

As you watched the plate spin your reflection in the yellow glow caught your attention. Oof. Have you really looked like this recently? The dark circles under your eyes looked like you had been taking up cage fighting as a hobby recently. You weren't sure how long you stood there, picking yourself apart, finding something new with each pass over yourself. The beeping from the microwave had been drowned out by your own thoughts.

Your phone had started to ring on the counter behind you, causing you to jump. Combine that with the now incessant beeping of the microwave and your heart was racing. You pressed answer, not bothering to glance at the caller id.

"Hello?" You asked as you opened the microwave, careful to not spill the plate as you picked it up with one hand.

The sound of your clearly already inebriated best friend filled your ears. "Heyyyyy!" You made your way to the couch, ready to stuff your face and then rot in your usual spot until you fell asleep. "I think you should get up off that couch and come over. We are having a little get together."

You couldn't help but roll your eyes at her statement. She had tried multiple times after it had happened to get you to go out. She had once famously said 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else'. Something that you gave a hard pass to. You thought she had finally given up on trying to get you to go out. It had been maybe almost a month, if you remembered correctly, since your last invite. Also, her get little get togethers were never little. They always escalated into bigger than her house could handle parties. Not that was always a bad thing, it's just the more people the more of a chance for you to run into him, or one his friends. The idea made your stomach turn.

"Would love to, but I'm already settled in for the night. Plus, sounds like you've already started the party without me."

"Oh come on! Please come over. It's been almost three months. Even for just a little bit." Before you could decline again she was already begging for a second time. "Please. For me?"

She was right, it had been almost three months. Maybe a party could do you some good or even just getting out of this routine you've been in for months. Then your mind wandered back to the same person it always has for months. "Is he going to be there?"

"Why would he be here?"

Your eyes darted to the picture frame on the tv stand. Inside the white wooden frame was picture of him and you and all your shared friends. It was from a trip you all had taken last summer to Greece. You both looked so happy and in love, which back then you were. You really should have put that picture up a long time ago, but you couldn't. There were a lot of things you couldn't put away.

"Maybe because we have mutual friends?" You pried.

"He's probably busy this weekend or out of the country. It will be fine. Just please come."

You sighed looking up to find that same reflection from the microwave now residing in the black screen of the TV. As you glanced back between your reflection in the tv and the picture of you from almost a year ago, you decided it was time to get back to the girl you were in Greece. Even without him.

"Fine. Let me get ready and I'll be over." The squeal that came from your friend's mouth was borderline inhumane. "I'll see you in a little bit." But as you hung up the phone that creeping what the hell did i just agree to feeling had appeared.

You tried to push those thoughts aside and hurried to get ready. Maybe this sudden spontaneous so out of character decision for you lately would be a good thing. You slapped on some makeup, making sure to cover those horrible dark circles and chose a casual, yet still party worthy outfit. Honestly the person who stood staring back at you from the mirror looked like the old you. The old you, the you that was happier, the you that was and still is in love.

The uber ride to your friend's house thankfully wasn't that long, it didn't allow for you to psych yourself out and change your mind about going. As the driver pulled up to her house it didn't seem like that crazy of a party, so maybe it was just a little get together. You thanked the driver and made your way to the front door. You took a deep breath before entering, here goes nothing. As you closed to door behind you, your eyes scanned the room. Some familiar faces filled the space of the living room. They noticed your presence and gave you a smile, but nobody came over to talk. You weren't sure if you should be offended or thankful.

Weaving your way through the house, you were on a mission to find your friend, her house wasn't that big, it shouldn't take that long to find her. As you entered the kitchen you realized it was the most crowded room in the house, granted it was were all the drinks were at. You found your friend in the center of the crowd, of course, but as she spotted you coming towards her she stopped her conversations and closed the gap between the two of you. Her arms squeezed you in so tight you could barely breathe.

"I'm so glad you came!"

You smiled back at her, but wanted to get some drinks in to loosen up some. "Yeah, yeah. What about a drink? I know you've started without me."

"Here. Your favorite." She grabbed a beer from the counter, pushing it towards you.

Not your favorite, in fact you hated beer, but you took it with a smile on your face. Some more people began filtering into the kitchen. "I'm gonna go talk to them real quick." Your friend stated. She was gone before you could say anything.

You tried to find something else to drink, but it had seemed that all that was left was beer. What was this? Some high school party? You took a swig of the beer your friend had handed you, hoping your taste buds had changed, but you were wrong. The one swig was enough for you to set it back on the counter.

The kitchen was becoming a little too stuffy and your friend didn't seem to be making her way back to you anytime soon, so you slid out the door to the patio. The fresh air already making you feel better. There were some people out there, a group of guys passing around a joint and some other people just talking, but nothing like the crowd in the kitchen. The empty lounge chair at the corner of the patio was calling your name. With nothing to drink and not really anyone here that you would like to talk to, besides your friend, this party was not turning out like you had hoped. You leaned back in the chair, looking up at the night sky. You tried to find some of the constellations, but the city lights made it far too hard to do.

You could hear footsteps coming towards you and you assumed it was your friend finally coming to hang out, but it was someone far worse than that.

"I think I might see the big dipper." You froze in the chair, goosebumps formed on your skin as your stomach turned. There was no need to turn around to see who was behind you, you knew that voice anywhere. "Hi Y/N."

Hearing him say your name made your body turn towards him, but also made your heart ache. Hearing your name roll off his tongue once brought you so much joy. Now it was like a stab in the heart. Your eyes scanned over him.

Fuck.

He looked good, so good. Clearly he was doing better than you were. His tan skin somehow still glistened in the night time and his curls slightly moved with the night breeze. Even though it was dark, the light from the patio allowed you to still see those eyes of his. The ones that still made you weak in the knees.

"Hi Lando." You gave him a small smile.

Of course he would be here you thought. You should have known he would be here. You had an inkling your friend knew and did this on purpose. You could kill her, but then again it was nice to see him, even if it did hurt like a bitch.

He stared at you for a moment before taking a seat on the end on the lounge chair where your legs resided moments ago. Being in this close of proximity to him made your heart race. Fuck you missed him and it drive you crazy the effect he still had on you.

He noticed you weren't drinking anything and let out a small chuckle. "Still don't like beer huh?"

You smiled, "Never have, never will."

He nodded and looked down at his shoes. This was clearly one of the most awkward conversations you've had in a long time.

"So how's your family doing?" You thought that might be a good thing to ask, you loved his family, so in all seriousness it was a genuine question.

He took a swig of his beer. "Yeah they're good."

You just nodded at his dry answer. Could this get anymore awkward?

You could feel Lando staring at you, he took another swig of his beer before asking. "So how's your new found freedom?"

Ouch. Sensitive topic. You didn't want to talk about how much of a fuck up you were right now, so you deflected the conversation back to him. "Saw you made podium recently. Congrats."

He laughed dryly, he knew what you were doing. "Thanks."

You had started to pick at your nails, a nervous habit the both of you unfortunately shared. You didn't want your relationship to have turned out this way. You wanted to tell him right then and there that you were sorry. That you missed him more than anyone could imagine. That he didn't deserve what you put him through. That you still love him. The memories of you two came flooding back and as you two sat there on the lounge chair, close as strangers. Your mind hit replay.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Lando had been in your life for years. You had met not to long after he had been brought onto the McLaren team. If you wanted to get specific it was at a celebratory party his friends had thrown him. You were invited through mutual friends. When you went that night you had no idea you had just met the man who three years later you would be in love with. Sure you thought he was good looking, who didn't? For awhile you just remained casual friends, really not even that close. After about a year and a half of seeing him at parties, sometimes at other friends houses, and out at clubs, something had started to fester inside of you.

Needless to say you were developing a little crush. It didn't help that when you did see each other, he always went out his way to talk to you. You could walk into the room and as soon as he noticed you, whatever conversation he was having was terminated and he was soon by your side. Some more time had passed and you had heard through the grapevine that Lando was seeing someone, it stung a little, but other than showing you some attention he had made no claim to you. So, what were you to do other than just get over it and hopefully find someone new to crush on.

Though, his new relationship didn't last long and soon enough he was back to charming you. The talking occasionally at gatherings turned into texting, that then turned into texting everyday, which turned into facetiming, and then turned into you two always hanging out when he was around hanging out.

The two of you would go out to eat, to the movies, or even just hang out at each others apartments. It was always a fun time as long as you were in each others presence. You attended some races that were closer to home, always so excited to see him do the one thing he loved. The races you didn't attend though, the two of you were always in contact. Something that you always made sure of was that he never went without his 'goodluck ♡' text from you.

It had gotten to the point where your friends for sure thought you guys were dating and the public had a hunch too. You couldn't deny that your feelings for him were way beyond crush status at this point. And to say you would have rather ate glass than ask him how he felt about you was an understatement. The idea of Lando rejecting you was something that kept you up at night, so your feelings remained bottled up. That was until a sunny race day last spring.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Spring - i miss your tan skin, your sweet smile. so good to me, so right.

Lando had asked you weeks ago to come the upcoming Grand Prix in Australia. You were hesitant, Australia would be the furthest you had ever been from home and it made you a little nervous. At least, that's what you told him. The real truth was that you would've loved to go to Australia, especially to watch him race, but you just couldn't stand to be around him. Your feelings for him were making it so hard to be in his presence, especially with his naturally flirty personality. Your friends kept telling you that you were blind and that he was totally into you, but those statements always rolled off your back. To you, there was no way he felt that the same way you felt about him. So to try and protect yourself from one sided heartbreak, you distanced yourself.

All that work failed though, because here you were a week later on a plane to Australia. It didn't take much more begging from Lando for you to finally cave. Hell, he even wanted you to come early with him, but you drew the line. He had work to do and you didn't want to be in the way, because knowing Lando recently, he would have wanted you with him 24/7. Which was really tampering with your distancing yourself from him plan.

Two connecting flights later and you were finally landing in Melbourne. As you departed from the plane and collected your bags you realized maybe you should have come earlier with him. The airport was insanely busy and trying to get a Uber was going to be a huge and expensive pain in the ass.

You pulled out your phone from your pocket to see if there was even any Ubers available when a text from Lando popped up.

Lan: I've tried to send this damn message like 10 times. Wait. I hope everything's ok with the plane.....Tbh I think I would have gotten an alert or something. Or I would hope your last dying text would go to me. Anyways... text me as soon as you land. I've got a car waiting for you to bring you to the track.

You rolled your eyes at his dramatics, but was very thankful for him always taking care of you. Hell, the cost alone of your plane ticket was enough to make your eyes bulge, but he took care of it like it was nothing.

You: I'm alive. The wifi sucked on the last plane. Actually don't think I can ever do 26 hours of traveling again... consider yourself lucky Norris.

It didn't take but a minute for him to respond.

Lan: I was starting to get worried. Just saying it would have been much better if you just flew down with me days ago...

You: Perhaps.... I'll see you soon.

The ride to the track was beautiful. The sun had just made its grand entrance to the world as you looked out the window. You tried to look at as much as you could on the drive over, wanting to experience as much as you could with what time you had in Australia.

Lando was waiting for you when you arrived, paddock pass in hand. Cheesy smiles were painted on both of your faces as he pulled you into a hug. His cologne alone made you weak in the knees, let alone the feeling of being in his arms.

"Missed ya," he mumbled.

As you pulled away from him you were able to get a good long look at him. There was something about him during race weekends that just made him come alive, made him hotter. Not to mention how sunkissed he looked. Australia had been very kind to him and it was something you could get used to.

He grabbed your hand pulling you along with him. "Come on. Some stuff we need to do before race time." He was being very touchy today and you could feel yourself starting to become putty in his hands.

You got about ten steps before remembering your luggage. "Wait Lan! My bags!" You turned around to see the car had left.

"Don't worry about it. I've got it taken care of."

He always seemed to be doing that, taking care of you.

The place was already alive as the two of you walked around. In a few short minutes you were in his private room and miraculously so was your luggage "You can relax in here for awhile, or do whatever. I've got some things to do but I'll come get you before the race ok?"

You nodded at him and he closed the door behind him. Glancing around the room your eyes landed on the couch and decided a quick power nap may do you some good. You weren't asleep but maybe a half an hour when the constant sound of text notifications woke you up. You grabbed your phone, nothing, not a single text. You thought maybe you were dreaming it and then you heard it again. You looked to your left to see Lando's phone on the side table. He must have forgotten it.

You weren't trying to be nosy, but you were curious as to who was blowing up his phone like that. Quickly grabbing it you saw multiple texts from multiple people from the McLaren team asking where he was at. Must be missing an interview or something you thought. Then you saw something that caught your eye, his lock screen. Behind all the text notifications was a picture of you two. It was after the the first race of his you had ever come to watch. He had a not so great finish to the race and you knew he was going to be hard on himself. So when he made it back to the garage, you were there with arms wide open, a gesture he gladly accepted. Someone must have snapped a picture of you two and sent it to him.

It was a cute picture, but your head was trying to comprehend why he had it as his lock screen. You kept telling yourself that friends don't make pictures like that their lock screen. Then your mind went to the idea of him feeling the same way about you and you could feel your heart starting to race. You weren't going to get your hopes up, but as you put the phone back on the side table you couldn't help but hold on to a little sliver of hope.

It was getting close to race time so you grabbed your bags to get ready. Of course you put on some McLaren attire, specifically some with the number four on it. Just as you were putting on your shoes there was a knock on the door and Lando's head peaks in.

"Ready?" But when he notices you've got on not just any regular McLaren shirt, but his branded one, a small smirk forms on his face.

"Yep. Let's go." You head towards the door, but stop and grab his phone. "Oh wait. I think you might've forgotten this earlier."

His cheeks flush as you hand it over to him, he knows you had to have looked at it, he knows you saw his lock screen. "There it is. Was looking for it all over." He tried to act cool as he shoved it in his pocket.

Lando leads you all through the McLaren area and some people say hi, remembering you from some of the previous races you had attended. He talks to some of the team, and as you stand back and watch you can't help but admire him. How much dedication he puts in is insane and you hoped he would get that well deserved win soon. It wasn't long before the two of you headed back towards his room so he could get ready for the race. You knew he liked to spend this time alone, he had his traditions, so you lingered in the doorway.

"You need anything before I go?"

A confused expression washed over his face. "Go where?"

Now you had the confused expression. "I figured you'd want to be alone."

"Why would I fly you all the way out here to not spend time with you?" He scooted over on the couch making room for you next to him. "C'mere."

As you fully stepped into the room and closed the door, you could feel the mood in the room change. It felt even more strange when you sat next to him on the couch. You tried to make small talk to make it less awkward. "Nervous for the race?" You weren't even looking at him when you asked the question, which was a dumb one at that.

His fingers gently grabbed your chin. "Would you look at me?" Your head turned to face his, his fingers still lingered near your face. His eyes never leaving yours and you could feel your cheeks getting warm.

Your heart was nearly beating out of your chest. "Lan-"

"God you drive me crazy." His hand now had made a home on your thigh. "In a good way."

"Lando what are you doing?" If he thought you were driving him crazy, he should see how he's making you feel.

He paused, like he was trying to figure out what to say. "Putting my heart and today's race on the line."

Oh god

"Here goes nothing." He took a deep breath. "As much as it sounds like a cliche. I truly think I liked you from the very first time we met. I just didn't realize it until much later. Then I got into my head and figured you didn't feel the same about me as I did you. I tried to push those feelings aside, but as we started to spend more time together, they just kept growing. Then it got to the point where you were the only thing I could think of, only person I wanted to be around. You're my favorite person and one of my biggest supporters. The idea of you not being in my life, not being mine, drives me insane. I want you to be at every race, cheering me on, with my number on you." He glanced at the LN4 on your shirt then back up at you. "Looks like I've got one of those things accomplished already."

Your cheeks felt like they were on fire and as much as you wanted to spill your guts to him too, you were too stunned to speak. Lando tried to read your body language for any sign that you felt the same and after no response from you he started to get nervous. "God. I hope I didn't just fuck everything up between us."

The idea of him being scared shitless of rejection just like you was amusing to you and a grin had plastered itself onto your face. Then before you could even realize what you were doing you were practically in his lap, with your lips on his. His hands cupped your face as he kissed you back. God, did it feel amazing. You couldn't lie you had fantasized about kissing him many a times but you were happy to say the real thing was even better than you had imagined.

As the two of you pulled away both grinning like fools, he asked the question. "Now, are you gonna be mine? So when I win this race I can kiss my girlfriend and celebrate with my girlfriend?"

You simply replied. "Yes."

Things may have escalated at that point and the two of you may have been slightly making out until it was time for him to leave. As he gave you one final kiss as he left, you stayed seated on the couch, trying to collect yourself. The high you were riding was like no other and you pinched yourself to make sure what had just happened was real.

The giddiness was still at an all time high as you tried to focus on the race and you had to admit half the time you were thinking about kissing him again. There were only a couple laps left and Lando had been holding steady at P3 for quite some time now and as he entered the final lap you could hear some yelling from his team and then you saw it. He was inching to pass Lewis and Max and then all at once it happened. Lando was in the lead with the checkered flag in sight and within a second he had won his first F1 Grand Prix. Your chair went hurling backwards as you jumped up cheering. The whole McLaren team was yelling and celebrating.

Lando hurried to find you before he took the podium and when he saw you he ran towards you, of course you got your kiss as promised. Must have been the adrenaline because it was even better than before. "My good luck charm." He said before giving you one last kiss and hurrying off to the podium.

As you watched him take the top spot your heart swelled. It was a long time coming and you were beyond proud. You realized your life would never be the same, but with him by your side it was something to look forward to.

Summer - i think about summer, all the beautiful times. i watched you laughin' from the passenger's side and realized i loved you.

The past couple months had been a whirlwind. You honestly weren't sure how Lando did this for nine months out of the year. Between somehow still balancing work and then traveling on most of the weekends you were drained. Sure, you were nothing but grateful that you even got to tag along and experience these amazing places with your boyfriend. It's just that sometimes you craved just simple quality time between the two of you.

The past weekend had been a home race and luckily there was a gap week before the next race in Hungary. Lando promised you that this weekend would be filled with things that you wanted to do. You just hoped he didn't mind doing nothing.

The first day was great, the two of you basically just rotted in bed all day. It was nice to actually relax for once and you could tell Lando was taking full advantage of it. Although, by the afternoon of the next day you were both getting slightly antsy. Boredom, believe it or not had set in. Apparently you had become more accustomed to the busy lifestyle than you thought. You tried to occupy your brain with playing some games on your phone, but it did nothing for you. Lando had plopped down next to you on the couch with a sigh. You glanced over at him, boredom was written all over him.

"I can't believe I'm saying this but we-"

"Need to get the hell out of this place?" He was already up and putting on his shoes and tossing a pair of yours towards you before you could reply back. You hurried to put yours on as he was already heading towards the door.

"Where are we going?" You asked as you got into his car.

He gave you a small shrug. "Nowhere in particular"

Lando had one hand on the steering wheel and the other was already reaching out for your hand before you guys had even left the parking garage. As you intertwined your fingers with his you used your free hand to pick out some music. Lando always let you choose the music when you guys were in the car together. He did the driving and you were the dj. You liked to tease him that you were a better dj than he ever was, which always earned you some eye rolls.

You hadn't really been paying attention to the time, but by the beautiful pinks and oranges that were painted in the sky, you realized the sun was setting. You didn't mind though, you were having a good time. It had gotten to the point in the car ride though, where your music was just put on shuffle and it was always a fun guessing game to see what would pop up next. The opening chords to Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland came on and Lando was convinced he could sing both parts. By the end of the song both of you were out of breath. Him from trying to do both parts and failing, he couldn't even remember half the words, and you from laughing at him.

Golden hour cascaded through the car and as he laughed along with you he looked so perfect. If you could you would have framed this moment in time, so you would have it with you always.

As you pulled up to a red light he looked over at you a small smile on his face. "You know you're lucky I love you. No one gets away with poking fun at my singing."

Your heart skipped a beat. You guys hadn't said that you loved each other yet, but if you were to pick a moment this would have been a perfect one. You had been wanting to say it to him for awhile now, but once again was too scared to make the first move.

"Well I have never been so honoured than to be loved by the Lando Norris." You teased him.

He scoffed at you. "Oh knock it off."

You rolled your eyes as you leaned over the console. You got as close as you could to his lips without kissing him.

"I love you too." You whispered.

"You better."

His lips closed the gap within seconds, and his hand cupped the side of your face. It didn't last long though as the car behind you guys blared its horn. The two of you were too busy to see that the light had turned green.

"Oops." You laughed as you got situated back in your seat.

"Yeah yeah." Lando grumbled as he sped off.

The whole ride back to your place you couldn't wipe the smile you had off your face. You really were so head over heels in love with him. Looking back you were so glad that you got on that plane to Australia back in March. Who knows what your life would have been like right now if you hadn't. All you knew was that you loved him and you couldn't imagine your life without him.

Fall - how you held me in your arms that september night. the first time you ever saw me cry.

The Japan Grand Prix was this weekend and you were excited to be going. You had always wanted to visit Japan and what a better reason than to be supporting the man you loved. You even decided to fly in early with Lando to maybe go do some sight seeing.

The two of you spent the day exploring all that Japan had to offer. Even if it was just one day the two of you made the most of it. You did all the touristy stuff and between the two of you, a photo album probably could have been filled with all the pictures you took.

You walked hand in hand back to the hotel, feet aching from all the walking you had done today. As soon as you entered your room Lando collapsed onto the bed.

"I'm gonna be so tired for practice tomorrow." He was laying on his back with his hands behind his head. Which in turn caused his shirt to ride up exposing his toned stomach. Something that he knew drove you crazy. You kicked your shoes off and walked to the edge of the bed where he laid, smirking at you. That little shit knew what he was doing. Climbing onto the bed you straddled him, making sure to grind your hips a little as you sat on him. A groan escaped past his lips and now you were the one with a smirk on your face.

"I'm gonna give you something to actually be tired about tomorrow Norris." Your fingers trailed along his exposed skin and up under his shirt. You could feel him shiver under you and knowing the power you had over him always went straight through you. Although, your fun didn't last for long. You felt his hands grip your waist and just like that you were the one on your back as he hovered over you.

"I don't know about that." His voice was smooth and low and you knew you were in for it tonight.

When you awoke the next morning he was already gone for practice and the long night the two of you shared replayed in your head as you got ready for the day. If he thought he was tired last night you could only imagine what he felt like this morning.

The next two days went by pretty fast and before you knew it, it was race day. It had started like any other race day too. Over the past couple months Lando had created some new pre race traditions that included you. They weren't anything crazy, if anything they were super sweet. The one that you always liked was that he wanted you to be the last thing he saw before he got into the car. Now in reality that really wasn't possible he was going to see lots of other people, but he always made sure you were out there when he got into the car. And of course his number one priority, I love you's and good luck kisses.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The race was almost over and it had been a good one, if Lando could hold his position he'd likely finish P2. There were four laps to go and as you watched the screen closely you saw something that made your blood run cold. You weren't even sure how it happened, but one second Lando's coming towards a left turn and the next his car is flipping.

It felt like everything was happening in slow motion. You could see the team freaking out trying to get in contact with him, but the loud ringing in your ears made the once noisy environment silent. You could feel yourself start to hyperventilate as you saw the red flag being waved on the screen.

You hadn't even realized you were crying until someone from the team came over snapping you out of your trance.

"Is he okay? Please tell me he's ok!"

"We haven't been able to get in contact with him. We think the comms got damaged in the crash. They are working on getting him out now."

The state of his car on the screen made you sick to your stomach. It was all mangled and the longer it took for them to get him out the sicker you felt. The tears just wouldn't stop falling, worst case scenario kept replaying in your mind.

After a couple more painfully long minutes you see what you would call a miracle pop up on the screen. They've gotten Lando out and he's walking. Well walking as best as he can with two people on either side of him, but he's alive. Relieved sighs and thank gods are heard from his team.

You don't even have time to try and collect yourself because within a matter a seconds you're whisked away by someone on the team that you've never met and being shoved into the backseat of a car. "Wait I want to see him! Let me see him!"

"He's already on the way to the hospital. You'll see him there." Before you could respond the door is shut in your face.

Rude.

The drive to the hospital took forever. You were positive you had gotten every red light and to top it off were stuck in standstill traffic at least twice. It seemed like the only thing going fast was your mind. Even though you saw him up, that still didn't mean he couldn't have serious injuries.

The car hadn't even come to a complete stop at the hospital and you were opening the door and hightailing it towards the entrance. Thankfully there was someone from the team waiting for you to arrive, but as you approached them you prepared yourself for the worst.

"Please tell me he's okay." You could feel the tears start to well up again.

As they guided you towards his room they explained his condition. "Overall he's fine. He's pretty banged up, no serious internal injuries or broken bones though. I'd say we all witnessed a miracle today. Thank god for the halos."

They stopped outside a door, the one you assumed Lando was on the other side of. "He's still pretty out of it, but he has been asking for you. So that's a good sign." You glanced at the door, funny how you couldn't wait to see him, but now that the time has finally arrived, you were almost scared to open the door. "Go on." The team member nodded for you to enter the room.

You took a deep breath before slowly opening the door. For some reason you thought, maybe he wouldn't be in there. That this was all just a bad dream, but there he was. He was asleep, his chest slowly rising and falling. The sight of him in the hospital bed and finally processing what happened an hour ago hit you all at once and the tears just wouldn't stop coming. You tried be quiet, the last thing you wanted to do was wake him up. You slipped back out the door as you tried to collect yourself. People walking past gave you concerned glances as you sat against the wall with your head in in your hands.

Once the tears had subsided you quietly entered the room again, but to your surprise he was awake. His eyes lit up when he saw you. "Hi baby." He had reached his hand out to you.

You smiled at the term of endearment and took his hand in yours. Your eyes scanned over him, looking for any serious injuries. He had some scrapes and obvious bruises, but nothing that looked too bad. You seriously didn't know how he got this lucky. "You scared the shit out of me Lan. I thought I had lost you."

There they were again, the tears. You had tried to quickly wipe them away, but Lando had beat you to it. His hand gently cupped your face as he thumb wiped away your tears. "Don't cry. I don't like seeing my girl cry." He whispered.

This in turn made you cry more.

Lando tried to console you. "Baby. I'm fine. I promise. Honestly you can't get rid of me that easily." He patted the slightly empty space next to him in the bed. You were unsure, you didn't want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable. "Come on. I think some love from my love is just what the doctor ordered."

You slowly climbed onto the bed next to him, but as you tried to snuggle in close to him he winced. You immediately sat up, ready to sit in the chair next to the bed. "It's fine. It's fine. I just have some bruised ribs." You gave him a questioning look, like you didn't believe him. "That's all it was. I promise. Now please come here." He tugged on your the hem of your shirt. "I want to hold you."

Somehow the two of you made it work in the small hospital bed, but you still weren't entirely convinced this was a good idea. Although you couldn't lie and say it didn't feel nice to be in his arms. It was the one place where you always felt safe and felt comfort. You traced small designs on his arm, something you knew that brought him peace.

You felt him place a kiss on the top of your head. "I love you."

Hearing him say those three words was something you swore you would never get tired of hearing. You raised your head to look at him, and leaned up to press a kiss to his lips. "I love you more."

The two of you sat in silence for some time before Lando spoke up.

"I've got to ask you something and I need you to be so honest with me."

You rolled your eyes playfully, already knowing what his question was going to be. "Don't worry pretty boy, your face doesn't have a single scratch on it."

He let out a deep sigh. "Oh thank god."

If there was one thing you had learned from being with Lando for these past six months was that there was never a dull moment with him. Even after near death experiences he still knew how to somehow lighten the mood. Although, it was something you were thankful for, because after a day like you had, you truly don't know what you would do if he wasn't in your life.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Winter - then the cold came, the dark days. when fear crept into my mind. you gave me all your love and all i gave you was goodbye

Off season had arrived around a week ago. A time that you had looked forward to for months was finally here and you were miserable. Well, perhaps you weren't miserable, but mentally you were struggling.

It had all started in October, a couple weeks after Lando's crash. An article had gotten spread around that you were cheating on him with Charles. Someone had gotten ahold of a picture of you and Charles leaving from a dinner party. You guys had decided to leave out the back after hearing about all the paparazzi out front. As you guys exited the building you gave Charles a hug goodbye. It wasn't something uncommon between you two, you guys had become close friends over the year.

What the two of you didn't know though is that there was a pap hiding in the back, just hoping for a moment like the one you guys had just given him. The pap had taken the picture at just the right angle and far away enough that it looked like you and Charles were kissing. Did the pap think to take a picture of Lando who was right behind you and Charles? Or take a picture of Charles and Lando saying goodbye? No. All they wanted was a story to sell.

That next morning when you saw the article you couldn't help but laugh and Lando did the same exact thing when you showed him. Although the laughter stopped when you scrolled through Twitter. You had always had a good relationship with the fans, and the media left you alone really up until recently. Sure there were gonna be some fans that just didn't like you. It was just something that came with the territory of dating someone like Lando. It was something that never bothered you, but as you scrolled through Twitter all you saw was hateful tweet after hateful tweet.

You couldn't believe that people actually thought you were cheating on Lando. Gold-digger was used quite frequently in the insulting comments. You just tried to shake it off, people would eventually get over it. Lando and you knew it wasn't true and that was all that mattered. Though the straw that would break the camel's back would come two months later.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Social media hadn't been that bad recently, maybe people were feeling the holiday spirit and had decided to lay off you for a while. As you scrolled through your notifications you noticed had gotten tagged in a tweet a couple times. You figured it was probably just another fake tabloid, but clicked on it anyways.

when's Y/N gonna realize her time with lando is ticking.... he can never make it past 10 months with a girl. probably already scoping out someone new on insta.

the way all his past relationships have ended the same way lmao. it's like he sees that one year anniversary and says i gotta go!

You rolled your eyes as you locked your phone, tossing it next to you on the couch. Why couldn't people just stay out of your relationship?

The more you sat on the couch the more the little gears in your head turned. You had never really asked or did any digging on Lando's past relationships. You never really had a reason to, and you didn't want to compare yourself to some undoubtedly beautiful women. But here you were getting back on your phone and going down the rabbit hole. You didn't want what people were saying to be true, but the more you dug, the more it was confirmed. What a lovely thing to have constantly in the back of your mind now.

Christmas was in almost a week and your birthday not to long after that. You had been trying to just focus on the upcoming holidays and not that little nagging in the back of your head about Lando leaving you. That was easier said than done. He had been distant recently and you just knew what was coming. It broke your heart because you had so looked forward to spending the holidays with him, but it seemed like he was always busy. You gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said he was going to do some extra training during the off season to come back even stronger after his crash, but how much training could you do.

You would text him and not get a response for hours or you would ask him if he wanted to go do something and he was busy training or with his friends already. You wouldn't consider yourself clingy, but the fact that you hadn't seen him once the week leading up to Christmas was causing you to spiral. You shouldn't have been so stupid enough to get involved with someone like Lando. Should have known before you guys even got together that he would get bored of you. Every version of self doubt entered your mind as you sat on the couch staring at the Christmas tree in the corner.

It was Friday December 22nd when you broke your own heart and Lando's.

You've had enough. You were going to break it off. Be done. Rather break it off now on your terms than be blindsided by him. You pulled your phone out to text him.

You: Hey, can you come over today?

For the first time in weeks he responded in a timely manner.

Lan: Yes, I was just about to text you asking If you were going to be home today. I need to talk to you.

There it was. He needed to talk to you.

About and hour later he had shown up. You were in your room putting away some laundry when you heard him clear his throat from behind you. You took a second to compose yourself before turning around to look at him.

"Hey." You said softly.

"Hey."

You sat down on the edge of your bed, you weren't sure how you should go about this. You felt sick to your stomach, was this the right thing to do? You were about to ruin the best thing that ever happened to you.

When Lando sat down next to you you felt like all the air in the room had disappeared.

He shifted his body to face you and took your hands in his. Here it comes you thought.

"So I-"

As soon as he began to speak you cut him off.

"We should break up."

His eyebrows furrowed and have you a confused look. "Sorry. What?"

"I'm breaking up with you." You swallowed thickly, you could feel that familiar lump forming in your throat. You couldn't read his face at all, it was almost like he was emotionless. Your looked down at your still intertwined hands. "I'm breaking up with you Lan. I know you're bored of me. So it's better to just get it over with now. I know that's why you came over today." You pulled your hands away from his.

His eyes shifted down to his now empty hands, then back up to your eyes. Shaking his head as he got up from your bed, he felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. "What are you talking about 'that's why I came over today?'"

"Don't play dumb Lan, I-"

He scoffed. "You don't get to call me that as you're breaking my fucking heart."

You felt the first tear slide down you cheek. "I know about all your past relationships. How you can't stay with someone for longer than ten months. You get bored and you were clearly getting bored with me."

He threw his hands up in the arm, he was getting mad. "Why would I be getting bored of you? And what does my past relationships have to do with US?"

"People on twitter-"

His face was red and he was talking (yelling) with his hands. "Oh my god! Here we go! I told you, especially after the Charles thing to just stay clear of social media. All they do is get into your head!"

Now you were up, voice rising to match his. This wasn't going to end pretty. "Well sorry I didn't have my boyfriend here to reassure me. To tell me that it wasn't true! Christmas is in three goddamn days and I've barely seen you!" You were sure to be getting a noise complaint later.

"I've been busy!"

Your arms were now crossed. "Busy finding someone new?"

Lando thought his head was going to explode. Where the hell has all this come from? "Jesus Christ! I haven't been cheating on you! All that shit on twitter is just stuff to try and get between us. Which it clearly did it's job."

The tears were falling pretty steadily by now and you could see Lando wipe away a few of his own. "If you weren't cheating or planning on leaving me than what were you doing? What was so important that you couldn't barely be bothered to see me recently?"

He threw his hands up in defeat. "It was a fucking surprise! I had came over today to tell you, I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I planned an early birthday surprise dinner for you tomorrow and at the party I was going to give you your gift that I had been working out too. That's why I had been so distant. I didn't want to ruin something I had worked so hard on."

Lando had sat back down on you bed, his head in his hands. You just stood there, flabbergasted. How could you be so fucking stupid? You had just ruined the best thing in your life over some stupid doubts.

"What was the gift?" You asked softly.

"Two weeks in Italy. We'd leave the day after Christmas. Spend your birthday in paradise." He looked you dead in the eye. "Only the best for the love of my life."

You felt like you couldn't breathe. What the fuck did you just do? You knew there was no coming back from this.

"Why didn't you just come to me about your doubts?" Lando asked.

You shrugged. "The seed was already so deeply planted and you weren't coming around even when I asked."

"Yeah, well maybe if you would have stayed off social media this wouldn't have happened." He was back to be shitty and that meant so were you.

"Well maybe I'm glad I didn't. So now I don't have to deal with people hating me for just loving you. Or people constantly invading my private life. I want to be free to do whatever I want! Without worrying if it will tarnish your image or create drama!"

His eyes narrowed at you, you clearly struck a nerve. "You're unbelievable you know that? I loved you with all my fucking heart and I can't help that what I do for a living puts the people I love in the public eye! I tried to protect you from it, believe me I did. So I'm sorry for being a burden on your freedom." You had never seen him so mad before, so hurt. It hurt you even more knowing you were the one who caused it.

His words stung, you didn't mean for what you said to come out that way. "Lan-" He had started to walk out of your room and you tried to grab his arm, but he just yanked it away from you.

"No, please, go enjoy your new found freedom."

Seconds later your apartment door slams shut and your left standing in your room a heartbroken idiot. That night was filled with many tears, a bottle of wine, a long facetime call to your best friend, and some more tears as your scrolled through pictures of the two of you on your phone.

The next morning hit you like a freight train. Your head was pounding you weren't sure if it was from the wine or the sobbing, probably a combination of both. You shuffled to the living room and stopped in your tracks when you noticed the bouquet of roses on the coffee table. You picked up the notecard and the crying started all over again as you read it.

For my love, Happy early birthday baby! I love you more than you'll ever know. I don't know how I got so lucky to have someone like you in my life. You're my best friend, my number 1 supporter, and the best girlfriend I could ever ask for. -Love Lando

God, you had fucked up so badly. How could you ever think a man so in love with you like he was, was planning on leaving you? The part that hurt the most was that you still loved him. You loved him so much it made you sick. You only did what you did to protect yourself and look at where it got you. A broken heart that you were sure was beyond fixable. The only person who would be able to fix it, just had his broken by you. Maybe you should quit your day job and just become a professional heartbreaker, it was something you were clearly good at.

Christmas and your birthday were beyond shitty that year and the roses he gave you had died on your birthday, how fitting you had thought. After the holidays is when you fell into your self loathe spiral that had been going on for three months now. You thought back to December all the time. How you wished you could fix things, but you had never thought that was a possibility until you saw Lando at that party.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Present

You still nervously picked at your fingernails, you wanted to badly to try and make things right, or at least tell him you were sorry. Fuck it you thought. You swallowed your pride and turned towards him to speak.

"I'm sorry about that day Lando." There was no comment from him, so you just kept going and once you started you couldn't stop. "I think about it all the time. I wish I could turn back time, and somehow change my mind or at least change what happened. I would have came to you with my doubts or when you came over that day I would have let you speak and not interrupted you."

Still no response from him, he just watched you intently. "And to answer your question earlier about my freedom... it's just been filled with missing you."

You took a deep breath before continuing to speak. "I still love you, and I know you probably hate me. And this is me just wishfully thinking, but I hope you would give me a second chance in the future. I know you didn't deserve what I put you through. I'm sorry, so sorry."

Your heart was beating so fast and you felt like you could throw up. You prayed he felt the same way and he would hold you in his arms and tell you that it was ok. That things could go back to the way they were before you fucked everything up, but that only happens in fairy tales or romance movies. Two things your life is not.

Lando sighed, took one final swig of his beer, and got up off the lounge chair. And for the second time, you watched him walk out of your life.

[luvrxbunny]

fame

pairing: ex-bf!Eddie Munson x f!reader

summary: Eddie makes a grave mistake.

warnings: 18+ MDNI, angst, insecurity, 'do i wanna know' (lmk if i forgot anything)

wc: 3.6k

a/n: a few things! Id suggest listening to the song before and/or after you read the fic! I wouldn’t suggest during because obviously it wont be on tempo. this can either be modern!Eddie or we can just pretend that “Do I Wanna Know” came out back in 1980. also idk anything abt instruments so shut up if i messed up anywhere— this is one of the worst ones ive written im sorry i just wanted to post

You and Eddie were happy. You guys got to see each other all the time since you became the lead singer of Corroded Coffin. The band supported you two going public endlessly due to the amazing on-stage chemistry you both brought to the shows. The more touchy, and lovey you guys were, the more people would come to the next show. But with this new, larger crowd came a new wave of women wanting to sleep with the hot lead guitarist, Eddie. 

You had no problem with it before. You know he wasn’t very popular in high school and it took you months to convince him that you honestly found him attractive, that you weren’t playing some practical joke, or just trying to bait him into embarrassing himself. So you were pretty happy to see all the attention he was getting, the attention he deserved. You could see his confidence rising, he would smile at the crowd more, play more impressive riffs and you’d get to watch his chest puff up in pride as the crowd uproars for him. 

But as he got more attention from the crowd, his attention was on you much less.

After shows, instead of hanging back with the rest of the band and relaxing backstage, he’d be out in front “entertaining the crowd” as he lovingly put it. It bothered you a bit because this is where you and Eddie got most of your quality time from but you would never take his little fanbase away from him so of course you never said anything. But there was this one week, gig after gig after gig. 

You got no love from Eddie on stage and assumed it was because he was too tired to put on such a show. He wasn't too tired for his guitar riffs, but you let it slide. It’s Eddie he’ll make it up to you backstage, or later than that if necessary. 

Then came time to head backstage, and Eddie didn't follow. You decided to let that slide too. He needs this interaction with his fans! He needs and craves that connection to people who are similar to him, maybe he’ll make some more friends around his age! You’d never want to do anything to stunt that. 

But three hours later, you Jeff, Gareth, and Doug aren’t in a forgiving mood anymore. You’d all joked about how once Eddie got a taste of fame he’d just leave you all behind but it’s starting to feel like less of a joke and more of a reality. 

You guys drink and complain, roll up, smoke, complain, and down a few more drinks before you all decide to take a stand. It’s a half-joke, that you’re all going to head out to the front and demand that Eddie come backstage to spend time with his band, with his girlfriend at least. The boys talk about inviting some girls backstage with them to make a party out of the whole ordeal but all those thoughts are gone and replaced with sober, solemn ones at the sight of what's happening at the front of the bar. 

Eddie’s sitting on a barstool, leaning back against the bar like he’s some god, he has his arms spread wide, resting on the bar and surrounded by women. Most of them are taking unpermitted selfies with him— not that he minds, but three women are draping themselves over him. One is at his side, sitting in a seat and resting her head on his bicep as she rambles to him and he’s listening.. intently. There’s another who’s on his other side, stroking and running her fingers through his hair, complimenting his curls, the ones you taught him to take care of. The third woman is standing between his spread legs, leaning over so that her cleavage is perfectly in his face under the guise of looking at and complimenting his necklaces. 

The smile on his face is one you’ve been missing, one you’ve been seeing less and less due to the stress of booking gigs but there it is… beaming for another girl.

Your heart stops when Eddie finally notices you guys standing on the other side of the room. You feel as though it’s about to jump out of your body and crash through the ground. Eddie pulls his arms in and pushes the girl between his legs away from him with a wide smile. “Oh. Hey, baby!” 

He’s getting up, explaining himself, and walking towards you all at once but you can’t even process what you’ve seen yet, let alone hear his bullshit explanation so you walk away. 

You turn and head backstage, already planning on packing your things and leaving. You’ll have to call an Uber because there is absolutely no way you’ll ride in the same van as him. You’re shoving your weed and rolling tray into your backpack when your head clears enough for you to listen to your surroundings again. 

You can hear Gareth and Doug scolding the girls, making them leave. You can also hear quick, sharp footsteps heading your way. Your breathing jumps and tears spring to your eyes, ones you quickly squeeze out and wipe away before Eddie comes through the door. 

You don’t look up at him, you just keep collecting your things and internally make a note to yourself not to leave your things scattered across an entire room. 

“Babe? Wait. Wait, wait you have to listen to me first.” You hold back a laugh and settle for a scoff at his statement. 

“I don't have to do anything, Ed.” His heart stops. You’ve only called him Ed once before; it was the biggest and only fight the two of you have ever had. His hands start trembling at their sides and his heart is beating roughly, rushing blood in his ears. He’s stunned to silence, watching you gather your things in a rush. 

You look around for your phone charger and spot it by the doorway, on a chair next to where Eddie is standing. He notices your gaze and quickly grabs the charger, holding it to his chest. “Listen.”

Your eyes slowly raise to meet his. He looks scared and desperate. You give him a chance. 

You put your bag down and lean against the back of the couch, staring at him and waiting for what you’re supposed to be listening to but he seems stumped. 

He didn’t have a plan or know what to say, he just needed you to stop. He tries to piece together a speech but his train of thought is disrupted by a disappointed sigh from you. “Look, Ed—”

He finally finds words. “Please don’t call me that.” His voice is strained, and you almost feel bad. 

“Why? It’s the title you deserve right now. You’re not my Eddie so I’m not going to address you like you are.” You start walking towards him, tears bubbling in your eyes despite the screaming in your head not to cry. 

“You sat there while those women laid themselves all over you, while the rest of your band, and your girlfriend sat backstage and waited for you. I’m your girlfriend. Do you realize how fucked up that is? You had me waiting and waiting for you, thinking you were just interacting with fans…” You think about how easily he fooled you. 

“I’m an idiot, huh?” You trail off, lost in your thoughts of despair. You’d always been so cautious of men, of giving your feelings, always keeping your guard up so you don’t get hurt, and the one time you decide to bring them down. 

“Okay! I’m fucked up for making you wait, I know that. I- I didn’t realize how long it’d been. I’ve been drinking a-and--” 

You cut him off. “Oh, you were drinking with them too! That’s great, Ed. Just the info I need.”

He sighs defeatedly. “I- It- But they don’t mean anything to me. They don’t! Why does it matter that I was drinking with them? It’s not like I was gonna do anything, baby. You know that.” He steps in your direction but you back away and wrap your arms around yourself. 

It breaks his fucking heart. 

“I don’t know that though, do I? Because never in a million years would I have ever thought that Eddie Munson, my boyfriend, would leave me waiting because he was entertaining other women. Do you understand? How- How nerve-wracking and shocking it was to see you out there like that?” 

You take another shaking breath as you avert your gaze from his, tears spilling from your eyes. “The worst part is that- that I believed you when you said you just wanted to interact with fans. I really— God I was even happy for you. I trusted you, Eddie. Co-Completely. You know how big that is for me and you manipulated it.”

He’s rushing towards you now, dropping your charger and taking your hands in his. “No. No, listen, I- I didn’t realize, I didn’t know it- Baby, I thought it wouldn't matter, I thought you wouldn’t care because I’m yours. We’re together so why does it matter? I- I won’t date them, I won’t fuck them, I don’t love them, baby. I love you.”

You sigh and look down at your feet, unable to watch as his eyes fill with tears. 

You wish he hadn’t said that. The first time you get to hear the words ‘I love you’ coming from his lips and it’s in a setting like this..

“Okay. I believe you, Ed, but… You broke my trust, you technically ch- cheated.” His eyes widen almost comically and as his mouth starts to shape the word ‘No’ you cut him off again. “You say you didn’t but just because you weren’t going to have sex with them doesn’t mean that you should let them all over you like that!” 

Your anger bubbles up again and you finish packing, grabbing your charger and throwing your bag over your shoulder. “You’re not that stupid, Ed. You know what you did was wrong otherwise you wouldn’t have pushed those girls off you when I showed up.” You turn to leave the room but you’re compelled to ask him one more question. 

“Did you how this makes me look? You’re supposed to be mine yet there are girls all over you. It looks like I can’t satisfy you, like I’m not enough. And you know I have shit with what. Or it looks like I’m a fucking idiot letting my boyfriend get felt up by fucking groupies while I’m in the back, none the fucking wiser.” 

His tears are spilling now, one currently streaming dramatically down his cheek. “But we- Like we don’t— You don’t have to leave me. We- I’ll be better. I love you, I don't love them I just.. I’ve never gotten attention like that.. I- I just wanted to know what it felt like.” 

You know he’s trying to get through to you, that he’s trying to explain away and excuse what he did but he’s just hurting you further. Why wasn’t my attention enough? 

“Yeah no, I figured that and um… Ed, I think we should take some time apart.” All you get from him is a badly veiled sob. 

“You can flirt around all you want and… and we’ll see if we still have anything between us by the end of it.”

It’s been a little over a month now. 

He called off band practice until further notice. 

You miss him. 

You took the first week apart to come to terms with what you had just done. It was a smart move. You’re not stable enough to let Eddie flirt around with your trust, especially since it had started behind your back. This way was better. You could take some time to yourself while Eddie does whatever he wants. You decided he could come back whenever he was ready, as long as he didn’t do anything with anyone. 

You meant what you said when you left him but you started regretting it after seeing the obvious dip in Eddie’s happiness. You’d see him in school with his head perpetually down. He doesn’t interact with you at all, he doesn't look at you on campus, he sits on the opposite side of the classroom for any class the two of you have together, and makes it a point to never turn in your direction. 

You truly wanted him to relish in the fame without any guilt on your part. You figured it’d hurt you but you wanted Eddie to be able to experience the popularity he never had before. He was supposed to take his newfound freedom and spread his wings however he wished but instead he just wallowed in what he had lost. 

You hoped he’d come to you in the third week, let you know he doesn’t want he freedom you’ve granted him and he’d beg for you back. But it never happened. You thought about going to him, letting him know that you can see him struggling and you forgive him and you guys can get back together like nothing happened. But your pride couldn’t let you. He hurt you and now he’s hurting, it's fair but you shouldn’t have to be the one to concede. 

After the fourth week, you realized your mistake. You should’ve known Eddie would never have the confidence to come back to you, to ask you for another chance, to ask you to forgive and forget his past crimes. You should’ve given him a set timeframe, you should’ve told him he was free to come back when he was ready. 

In the fifth week, Gareth called a meeting. He’d had enough of the missed practices and awkwardness amongst the band. You all responded to his email in agreement. Except Eddie. 

You thought about going over to his house before practice, just to see if he was planning on showing up, to see if he was okay. But you didn’t.

You were actually quite happy to catch up with the others. You joke about how badly all your skills have diminished without a month of practice. Doug jokes about how he mostly misses the DnD nights. As if on cue, Eddie walks in. 

He’s silent and his hair is a mess, obviously not taken care of and it breaks your heart. The room falls sadly silent as Eddie unpacks his guitar and takes a seat. You feel the tension in the room suffocating you and before you can think the action through you spit out a quiet. “Jesus, Eddie.”

The boys laugh beside you and you roll your eyes before making your way over to him. Eddie looks star-struck, mouth slightly agape and eyes wide as he stares up at you, admiring the olive branch you’re extending. 

You take in his bloodshot eyes— high, and his dark circles. Your heart clenches in your chest, recalling the various late-night calls with Eddie as he complains about his insomnia, and how he would wish you were there to soothe him.

You stand beside his chair, shake your head in teasing disapproval, and run your fingers through his roots. You sigh at the immediate tangle that meets you and lock eyes with him, a playful smirk on your lips. “Where’ve you been, Eddie?”

He sucks in a soft breath to answer before Jeff cuts him off with a loud clap. “Alright, positions everyone. What’re we practicing?” You smile at him one last time before heading for your mic. 

“We could start working on “Do I Wanna Know?” Doug suggests and Eddie immediately groans out. He is very open about his hate for the song, about how he thinks it's overplayed and has no substance. In reality, everyone knows he’s just frustrated with the chords. He always wants his hands busy and the chords to this song just aren’t stimulating enough for him, he thinks they’re “boring”.

“I don’t wanna hear it, Ed. This is what the people wanna hear.” Doug defends as he picks up his bass. You clear your throat and Gareth situates himself behind his drums. Eddie is the only one who doesn’t get in formation, staying seated across from you to your left, almost in your line of sight. You make an effort to keep your eyes forward as Gareth starts the beat, pretending you can’t feel Eddie’s eyes on you as he starts his riff. 

You do your best to keep it together as you notice how easily his hands glide across the guitar, you don’t even see him look down once. You rock in time with the drums before singing out the first line. 

It feels shaky and your voice is scratchy but you power through, the boys know you need some warm-up. Your voice evens out by the next pause and you’re starting to feel more confident. 

“Are there some aces up your sleeve?” 

You see Eddie nodding in approval in the corner and you try not to let pride bleed into your voice. 

“Have you no idea that you’re in deep?”

You look over at him to see him still watching you. 

“I dreamt about you nearly every night this week.” 

You note the recognition in his eyes before you break contact, looking back at the base of your mic stand. 

“How many secrets can you keep?”

You think about how the first time you heard this song it reminded you of Eddie. It almost perfectly encapsulated how you felt for him prior to dating, and it ironically relates to how you feel about him now. Still obsessed but too prideful to do anything about it. 

You can see Eddie still staring at you from his corner, unwavering. He always gets a little more confident with his guitar, but it’s been so long since you’ve been around him you feel stupid, like a little girl with a crush. 

Doug and Gareth come in as your backing vocals. 

“Do I wanna know?”

You take your eyes away from the mic stand and look straight ahead. 

“If this feeling flows both ways.”

You see Eddie sit up in his seat.

“Sad to see you go”

“Was sorta hopin’ that you’d stay.”

You start swaying with the beat, getting more loose, and feeling the song. You switch from foot to foot, swinging your hips gently with a smile. 

“That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day.”

You look over at him again. 

“Crawling back to you.”

You say the next line as a genuine question, openly targeting him now. 

“Ever thought of calling when, you’ve had a few?”

You glance away from him, nervous under his penetrating stare. He hasn’t looked away from you once. You’re wondering where all this confidence was in the past few weeks. All he needed was for you to speak to him. You study his face, his reaction to the next line. 

“Maybe I’m too, busy being yours to fall for somebody new. Now, I’ve thought it through. Crawlin’ back to you.”

Eddie’s hands finally rest and he leans forward in his chair, cocking one eyebrow at you as if to ask ‘Really?’ and you respond with the next line. 

“So have you got the guts?”

Eddie takes a deep breath before sitting back and adjusting his guitar strap. He runs his hands down his thighs, wiping his clammy palms on his sweatpants as he watches you perform. It’s been so long since he’s seen you, even longer since he’s seen you without it hurting his heart. He’s missed you. 

He takes you in. He notices the pink on your nails, a different shade than the last time he noticed. He can’t help but run his eyes down your body, loving the way you move to the beat, the way you’re shimmying your shoulders. His eyes focus on your lips. 

“Simmer down and pucker up”

He gets entranced with the way they form around your words. He misses feeling them on his, on him. He remembers how soft they are, how raw they get when you’ve bitten them bloody. He watches them stretch over your pearly white teeth in a smile. He can feel your eyes on him again but he can’t pull himself away from your mouth. Not even to look at his guitar as his time comes up. 

You watch Eddie pick his guitar up and start playing again, zombie-like movements as he zeros in on your lips. You try to focus on the words, to stay on key, not stutter or slip up. But Eddie's eyes snap to yours. 

“But we could be together… If you wanted to.”

He takes a deep breath after your last line, as if he was waiting to hear it, like it’s confirmation. You can’t help the smirk that your smile morphs into and Eddie looks down. It looks like he’s focusing on his chords but his eyes are closed, deep breaths filling his lungs as he tries to calm down. 

You’re sure that your performance is mediocre due to the lyrics and pitch being the last thing on your mind. You watch Eddie’s hand slide lazily across the guitar, his ringed fingers moving faster than you could comprehend without even a fraction of his attention. You ignore the pooling in your stomach and look away from him again, trying to focus on anything else. 

“Crawling back to you.” 

You pretend not to hear the smirk in Gareth's voice. You see Eddie looking up at you again in your peripherals. He sits back and adjusts himself, lifting his hips, lowering his guitar and when you glance over you can see a lip tucked under his teeth. 

“Maybe I’m too—”

You see Eddie leaning forward as he stares at you, begging for your attention so you turn to him. His eyes soften and you can see his chest heave ever so slightly. 

“-busy being yours to fall for somebody new. Now, I’ve thought it through. Crawlin’ back to you.”

You go through the motions for the rest of the song. You keep eye contact with Eddie through all of it. 

Everything around you is forgotten as he looks into your eyes. You’ve missed him so much.

thank you so much for reading!! please please please give any feedback you may have! I want it all! also if you liked it please take a look at my masterlist or send me some motivation here!! reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated!

[otherentrance]

if i had a nickel for every time david tennant played a space alien who quoted a line from shakespeare to shakespeare and then the poet himself went "i might use that" i dont even know how many nickels id have. probably not a lot but its weird that it happened more than once

ahem

so doctor who s3e2 am i right. The Shakespeare Code

the most unrealistic thing about this episode full of witchcraft and bullshitting people is that shakespeare did the whole "now get out- *sees someone pretty* oh, ok, nvm sit down" but it was about martha and not david tennant. do i need to start shipping the doctor with literal shakespeare out of spite??

so martha and ten sit to chat with The Poet, right, and martha starts doing that thing where she tries to talk using words that pop culture associates with the time just for ten to turn to her and go "no, no, dont do that". rose tyler in the opening of Tooth and Claw is that you?

speaking of rose! "psychic paper, um, ..long story. oh i hate starting from scratch" right so martha doesnt understand the psychic paper because she's new. and i love ten's line here! "i hate starting from scratch"

its funny, because we know how much ten misses rose. we know how much emotional baggage comes with finding a new companion. yet we forget just how long the doctor has been doing this

i havent seen the classic era of doctor who, and i doubt anyone on tumblr has either, but the doctor has, presumably, been loosing people for a long time

& i appreciate how theres a real sense of experience in ten's line here. ofc he doesnt honestly mean "i hate starting from scratch", its just that when you do something for long enough little annoyances about it can tire you. and ten is, among other things, very tired

(similarly, i do very much appreciate this interaction between The Poet and ten. "and you, sir doctor, how can a man so young have eyes so old?" "i do a lot of reading." "a trite reply, yeah? thats what i do." & then ten's got this look on his face! tired eyes, slight smile, like he's softening. recognizing something of himself in shakespeare of all people. god i love him so much)

i think its fascinating, too, how theres a sense of.. unimportance(?) to his new companions when theyre new. like over the years, the people the doctor has interacted with have become just that- people. sure the significance and uniqueness of certain people stick out, but eventually you start seeing just how similar we all are, innately

and theres certainly something to love in that sentiment, that people are at their core very similar, and the doctor certainly loves humanity. but he doesnt know martha well enough for her individuality to matter entirely: she's another chance at happiness, another opportunity, instead of a fully understood person, to him

isnt there something so human in that? isnt there something a little bit tiring about having to unveil yourself to every new person you want to know? isnt it just a little tempting to pretend youre different? to pretend all that emotional baggage, all that history, doesnt exist? they dont know you, they wont unless you tell them, so dont. this is how you outrun the past, by throwing yourself into the future

(completely unrelated but this episode is so funny about queer stuff in hindisght. "so those [actors on stage in 1599] are men dressed as women, right?" "london never changes" like excuse me??? are you trying to imply something sir???

that whole "there was only one bed" scene in which martha is almost flirting but ten just completely ignores it

& then ten is annoyed that martha and shakespeare are stopping to chat so we get: ten: "come on, we can all have a good flirt later!" the poet: "is that promise, doctor?" ten: "oh, 57 academics just punched the air" pardon??

the witch [villain of the week] being seductive to trick ten? "thats one form of magic that isnt gonna work on me"??? oh??? ace ten confirmed????

and then the episode finishes off with banishing the evil witches by shouting "expelliarmus!" and ten throwing in a "good old JK". like i know they didnt know she was an ass in 2007 but man this episode is a rollercoaster)

um. yeah. im normal about doctor who

[doyelikehaggis]

Rules of (A Fake) Engagement :D

God, I don't think about this one often but when I do, I'm overcome with such a strong urge to just write the whole thing yet I never do. Also this was a bit more than a paragraph but as I said, this WIP lives rent free in my head!

<3

"So, let me get this straight," Tristan said, holding a hand out across the table as his lips curled upwards in amusement. "Now your mom thinks we're engaged?"

Rory groaned into her arms. He took that as his answer.

"Well, did you tell her the truth?"

Rory looked up at him like he'd grown two heads. "What, that I made it all up? That I got so insanely jealous when I saw Dean with his new girlfriend, even though I have no feelings whatsoever for him anymore, that I lied and told him you and I were engaged because I wanted to make him at least a little bit jealous too?!"

Tristan nodded. "Yeah, exactly."

She dropped her head back onto her arms with another groan.

"I'll take that as a no," he muttered.

Her phone chose that moment to start ringing. Another groan. Tristan glanced at the screen for her but hesitated to actually read out the caller ID. He had no choice, though, when she peered up at him expectantly, just a flutter of sad eyes behind her arm.

"It's your grandmother."

"What?!" She scrambled to pick up her phone and nearly started crying when she confirmed that he was right. Pressing a hand to her forehead, she answered it, shakily saying, "Hi, Grandma."

That's all she managed to get out before she was cut off by a barrage of questions that sounded a lot more like accusations. Specifically, what has happened that she would feel she couldn't tell her that she was engaged to be married to a perfectly respectable man, and why did she have to find our from her mother rather than straight from her, and does she hate her? Is that is? She must hate her, or else she would have delivered such an important announcement personally.

Rory exchanged a helpless look with Tristan while he tried his best to fight back a smile, widening his eyes and pretending to look as terrified as she currently did.

Finally, she managed to get a word in. "Grandma! Take a breath. I don't hate you. Of course I don't. The reason I didn't tell you is because-"

"I demand you and Tristan come for dinner."

"What?!"

"Well, I know he's a respectable man, but I would at least like to have a proper conversation with him once before you marry him! We need to discuss this properly, over dinner. When are you and Tristan next available?"

She pressed the heel of her hand into her eye, trying to fight off the headache already building behind it. She caught Tristan mouthing something at her, asking what she was saying.

Pressing the phone to her shoulder, she quietly relayed, "She wants us to go over for dinner! I have to tell her. I don't care if Dean finds out, it was stupid to lie anyway!"

Mind made up, she lifted her phone back to her ear and began to say, "Grandma, it's not-"

Tristan waved a hand, stopping her in her tracks. She lowered the phone again, covering the microphone.

"Look, what if we just... went along with it?" he asked. "Just for a little while. That way, you don't get totally humiliated by being outed as a liar to everyone you know."

She shook her head. "That's crazy. And, what do you get out of that?"

He shrugged and leaned back in his chair. He didn't give much more than that, but proceeded to say, "I'm going home in four days. When's your flight?"

She hesitated. "Same. In four days."

"Rory?! Rory, are you still there?!"

Tristan nodded. "Okay, so, tell her we can do dinner in five days. That's, what, Friday? Yeah, Friday."

She opened her mouth to tell him that his plan was insane, and that they would be found out immediately, and then it would be even more humiliating. It was already going to be bad enough as it was.

"What do you have to lose?" Tristan whispered.

Her grandmother was still calling her name like a harpy. Rory held the phone to her ear and, without breaking eye contact with Tristan, said, "Is Friday okay? We don't get back from New York until then."

"Oh. Well, I suppose Friday is suitable. I expect to see you both then."

Rory's heart was racing as she set the phone back on the table, retracing her hand from it quickly like it was an explosive. Did she really just do that? She couldn't possibly have...

She turned her eyes sharply to Tristan. "Why did you tell me to say that?!"

Send me the title/number of a wip and make me write it!

[pttucker]

She got royally irritated and began following after this fool's comments. She even clicked on 'downvote' too. Like a bewitched person, Han Sooyoung read only Kim Dokja's comments and not the novel itself. – Will Jihye finally awaken next chapter? – Author-nim! I've discovered a typo on page 7! With my lacking opinion, I think the spelling here should be… Ah, I looked into it and it's actually my mistake. My apologies. I've learned something new today. – Please, just smack that fool Joonghyuk-ie in the back of his head… This guy, he never once missed writing a comment on all those thousands of chapters. And every single one contained understanding and love for the world created by this author. ⸢Han Sooyoung was envious of that.⸥ She believed that there was simply no way anyone would be reading a novel as bad as this, that it had to be the author himself busy blowing his own trumpet. She thought that the author had created two separate IDs and wrote the novel with one while with the other one, wrote all those comments and uploaded recommendations, too. – Isn't recommending one's own work prohibited? ⸢Just like how Yoo Joonghyuk was an imagined character to Kim Dokja, Kim Dokja was exactly like that to Han Sooyoung.⸥ She thought that such a person wouldn't be real, but… That very person within the texts was standing right before Han Sooyoung's eyes.

Unexpected Sooyoung & Dokja backstory?!! 👀

Okay, so Dokja has said before that he totally called out Sooyoung for plagiarism so that's not the surprising part, but it's so Sooyoung to just angrily start stalking him afterwards and assume that he must be the author in disguise because who could actually like that drivel?

...While at the same time being envious that TWSA had such a loving and dedicated reader.

Also this is totally trying to emphasize that Sooyoung can't be the author of TWSA, and I know that it doesn't really make sense for her to think he was the author while being the author, but it, perhaps illogically, makes me actually even more convinced that she is the author of TWSA?

Because what it says is that this was her first encounter with him, not her first encounter with TWSA, she'd read TWSA before. And it goes out of its way to mention once again that she lost half her memories to her first avatar so I'm wondering if things have gotten twisted in her head.

She lost a portion of her memories while creating avatars and she couldn't clearly remember what happened back then. What was certain, though, was that she had indeed read the novel called the 'Ways of Survival'.

Mmmhmmm. Does this or does this not sound like Asuka Ren and Peace Land? Especially with the way she's described Predictive Plagiarism, looking at various tropes and common themes, etc. Maybe she filled in the holes in her memory with what she thinks should be there? She assumes that she would assume that Dokja is the author?

.

.

Though...

If I were to stick with my original theory that Dokja is the author...

Sooyoung could be right.

"Dokja" could be a fake account made up not necessarily to boost the comments or popularity, but to perhaps help the author (aka Dokja) figure out what to write next? Sort of like programmers with the rubber duck. Or maybe just the account of a guy with no friends who loves one particular story more than anything basically pretending to be his own fan/friend because there's no one else? Or maybe it did originally start out as a means to boost the novel's popularity by pretending to be a big fan but when everyone abandoned it he couldn't bring himself to stop because he really does love TWSA?

And now the author, aka Dokja, has written himself into the story because he couldn't figure out how to end it and/or because he was literally writing the story just for himself anyway. I mean, we literally just had that speech from Uriel about how a story doesn't have to be for someone else, and also we have Dokja realizing now that this is their (his) story and their (his) epilogue.

And it'd fit with my idea that Oldest Dream is Dokja too. I've already gone into my theories that Dokja could be Oldest Dream's avatar (and thus Dokja wouldn't have all of Oldest Dream's memories, only what was given to him) and that could be why Sooyoung is emphasizing that particular tidbit about avatar memories once again.

And Oldest Dream created this specific worldline and Oldest Dream gave Joonghyuk his stigma. The stigma that not only lets Dokja's favorite character that he loves live forever, lets his favorite novel go on forever, but also is the main point of the story. They kinda got into this a little bit with Joonghyuk, but basically Joonghyuk is a Regressor because the story required a Regressor. That was the plot. So literally you could say that the author gave him the stigma, not his sponsor.

The fact that Dokja is a "real person" standing right in front of her right now means nothing. Joonghyuk is literally standing right next to him.

.

.

UGHHHHHHHHH I just gave up my theory that Dokja is the author but now I'm so torn!!!!!! They both make sense!

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Why must you torment me, ORV???????

I guess if I have to pick which theory I'm favoring atm I'm gonna stick with the idea that Sooyoung is the author for overall thematic purposes.

Joonghyuk, Dokja, Sooyoung.

Secretive Plotter, Oldest Dream, The Author.

Character, Reader, Writer.

[diodellet]

ooohh that ask game has some interesting questions hmm how abt 16, 18, and 23?

i am realizing just how much this ask game is making me bare my soul goshhh (/not srs), thanks for sending me an ask, bibi!

16. What makes you immediately close a fic that otherwise seemed good?

hm...well, most of the time i try to stick it out even if i'm not enjoying the fic from the first few sentences. like, maybe it's just me but a lot of the first words of a fic tends to be the (for lack of a better word) "the gunk" that precedes the actual story? like some stories just have slow starts, but they do get gud.

but to answer the q, i guess stuff that makes me roll my eyes at a fic, in the context of x readers would probably have to be:

disclaimer: most of the time, i don't mind reading these. but there are just moments where they bother me as i'm reading

reader getting carried bridal style (i dont like it, i hate it. id rather be carried like a sack of potatoes. or id rather be carried like a goat by its shepherd. but i do like seeing characters getting princess-carried) just carry me like this instead 🤧🤧👇

royalty AU++CEO/office/corporate-setting AU (like secret princess of a kingdom or being a secretary, for example) i'm not a big fan of those kinds of settings. like ok sure a chara can look good in business formal or in some fine furs, but once the eye candy wears off thats when i exit the fic oops.

fics centered around marriage: i don't really enjoy reading proposals. also thinking of how the rings, the dresses, and the flowers look is hard bcs of my (partial?) aphantasia, but weddings Are Pretty Fun as a background setting. overall, i think what bothers me most is that the chara loses a bit of their personality after they get wed together with the reader.

^^actually in relation to this... im not that big of a fan of prom/dance settings, they both read very similarly, especially since the reader tends to be placed in the more passive role of being asked out. (but when you make it angsty or hurt/comfort, ok i will read it i'm a simple girl)

Oh and ig this is just me wishing for more in the Imposter-SAGAU genre of fanfic (i mean i'm still looking around, i don't feel desperate enough to write smth of my own), but i kinda wish the charas weren't so doe-eyed and quick to apologize to the reader. like, i get the feeling of wanting to write The Good Bits Immediately (e.g. being fawned over, getting to lord that blunder over the characters) but the potential of slowburn trauma recovery and developing a relationship from straight-up antagonism is Right There.

18. What media do you want to get into because of artists/writers you like?

i think i'd want to try reading more poetry? like, if i rb a lot of web weaving, i gotta know sumn other than "deep" pop lyrics (u wont find me saying nice things about ms sw*ft). so far i'm thinking of starting with ocean vuong and richard siken (basic ik but i mean, their works are good)

dunmeshi! i've been putting it off for forever 🙈🙈 (<-girlie watched frieren and forgor abt dunmeshi bcs they got yorushika to do the 2nd OP) but senshi,,,, SENSHI THE MAN THAT U ARE,,,,

Oh! and i'm rlly curious about alien stage! my sibling's dipping into it and he told me it was basically america's got talent x the promised neverland. and he said the magic words "toxic yaoi" and "doomed yuri," i Gotta watch it atp. (also like, carole and tuesday rearranged my brain, im ready to put a sadder spin on it😤)

23. What would you make a 5 hour video essay on, if you had enough time and motivation?

as soon as i read this all my hyperfixations have: left the server HAHAHA

maybe in terms of recent ones, i could try analyzing madds buckley's my love is sick. i wrote about that album for a final paper in a basic music elective, but i was constrained to only 3 pages so i only talked about 2-3 songs. but i could pretend to be a music major and regale ppl with how the leitmotifs tie together and completely destroy me add a new layer of meaning to the songs on subsequent listens. Also like, these songs just Get It (not sure what "it" is exactly, but there's smth related to first love and love lost*)

(but atm im just yoinking songs from there to use for fic/chapter titles, i plan on using one for this ruggie timeloop angst fic im plotting out anyway)

(art appreciation ask questions, please bug me to rb some underrated art and fic)

[synthville]

proceeding for half a season without a previously established couple even mentioning each other—to the extent that new viewers (because there are definitely people who only started watching for tng: the 8th season why lie lol) would have no reason to assume that seven and raffi know each other let alone are/were in a whole ass relationship—is nuts!! and would never happen to a straight couple idc. like it’s crazy making watching this play out like this a normal way to write or position a relationship or characters. in what world is this how you tell a story? there is literally no excuse for this lazy, dismissive writing and the fact that at no point before this aired did anyone behind the show stop and think ‘hey maybe sidelining the one queer relationship between two main characters and pretending it never happened might send out a fucked up message to the audience?’ literally at no point did anyone consider any of this huh. like i definitely accepted that things were Not Great after s301 but the way they’ve gone out of their way to brush off their relationship is so weird and disrespectful no excuses or counter arguments will make this better because at the very least the status of their relationship shouldn’t be up in the air to the audience. not with how things ended in season two and certainly not for this long. honestly i think what annoys me most is that with where they’ve placed seven and raffi this season, coming up with something, even the thinnest reason for why they’re apart or not communicating or have ended things wouldn’t be difficult. the characters have been placed in ridiculousprecarious situations and are galaxies apart. there’s no need for the writers to go out of their way to work a complicated break up into the plot (if that’s what they wanted and it’s clearly looking like it is) when they could just have one of them mention that they’re taking a break or whatever. and yeah id be disappointed and annoyed at the lack of effort and that they never even go to actually try to make something of this relationship they’ve teased for three (3) T H R E E seasons but getting a legit answer would at least be normal (not good tho!) in terms of acknowledging the relationship and eventually id get over it. this thing they’re doing where they’re just ignoring their relationship and leaving it up in the air for what (im guessing) will be a lacklustre reunion where they offhandedly address their breakup and then proceed as fellow officers in service of whatever mess is plaguing jlp this time around is not just shitty storytelling—all S/R need to do is talk once and compare notes and they’d be halfway to solving this changeling thing but nope! that would make too much sense—but also straight up bewildering and more than a little insulting. especially because it was all so avoidable in the first place.

[gloomysoup]

i'm about to go on a bit of a personal ramble here for a minute. i feel like i have a lot to say and no one to say it to, and i feel like my blog has become this safe space for me to say those things. i've shared pieces of myself (my creative work) that i haven't shared with other people before. so i'm going to get a little more personal. if you want to read, great. if not, that's fine too. maybe we'll all get something out of this. maybe we won't. either way, it's here.

i've lived in the same county, with the same people, for twenty years. twenty years in a small, conservative, god-fearing place. every single household in my neighborhood goes to church every sunday. they have bible study in my neighborhood for the adults that meets every week. i've grown up around a lot of small-mindedness when it comes to social issues. which put a lot of strain on my mental health, growing up different from anyone else. i never really fit in, even in my friend groups. there's this expectation that everyone seems to have.

i always knew i was different. there was something about me. there's a lot of things, actually, but i really just want to focus on one in particular. i never had an interest in boys. not once. i didn't really think much of it until other people my age made comments about it. i never had a boyfriend, aside from once in probably first or second grade. and we were friends, only "dated" for maybe two days. that was that. i don't really ever count it. dating never seemed like a very big deal to me for a long time. i was much more focused on school and sports. eventually i realized i was a lot more interested in girls than i ever was in boys.

i fought thru a lot of internalized stuff before i came to the conclusion that i was absolutely 100% definitely a lesbian (along w a lot of trial and error in the form of awkward college experiences). i had a lot of issues throughout middle and high school that i don't particularly need to get into. all that really matters is now.

this year, i made a vow to myself. id do more to truly love myself. to be who i am, unashamedly. i made a few changes to my diet (eating healthier, listening to the advice my doctor gave me ten years ago that i should have listened to back then, actually eating regularly for the first time in years). i got a new job, which i actually really enjoy despite how tired i always am. i love the kids i work with. my coworkers are amazing. which brings me to the latest decision i've made in an effort to keep my promises to myself.

i'm done hiding. i don't want to feel ashamed of who i am just because it doesn't fit the mold. up until recently, i've been pretty selective about who i tell that i'm gay. i never wanted it to get back to my family. i didn't want them to know. i'm still not sure i do, but it's time i stop trying to walk on eggshells all the time. i'm not sure i'll be able to say anything outright, but i don't want to hide it away anymore. i don't want to pretend to be someone i'm not. i don't want to put up more masks every time i leave the safety of my room.

i'm going to a concert in june. pride month. the concert is for my favorite queer artist. i don't want to hide my excitement at finally getting to see her live just because i'm afraid of what people will say. i don't want to carefully think through every little thing before i say something or do something, just in case it's a little too gay to brush off.

i think this is finally the year i embrace myself for who i am. maybe i'll even finally go to a pride event and post pictures. i don't want to be afraid anymore. i don't want to hide anymore. maybe this will backfire on me. maybe it won't. i guess i won't know unless i try.

[khodorkovskaya]

15.06.23

so today was eventful and uneventful at the same time. i had my lesson with lucien this morning, then went to the library, then there was the q&a session with the differential geometry assistant, then i went back to the library. so i was quite productive but it didn't really feel like it.

i started watching the new video lauren southern put out about her divorce. and likeee. she's so cringe idk. youtube's been forcing tradwife content on me lately. like i think it started with me watching fashion shorts, then i started getting a bunch of those like "dark femininity" and "old money aesthetic" videos and now it's straight up "here's how i became a traditional wife". like im so glad im not an impressionable teenager anymore. because imagine. like back in the day we had our fair share of brain rotting anti-sjw content but nowadays it's even worse.

but anyway, back to lauren southern. she's so stupid! like idk if it's her neurodivergency or what. and i want to be empathetic. but like. the decisions she's made and still makes like. girlie.

it's funny bc i skimmed thru a video essay the other day about like tumblr culture and microlabels and mogai and stuff like that. and it wasn't a super interesting video bc being on tumblr you kind of absorb all of this information against your will lol. but the person was saying that basically a lot of neurodivergent teenage girls found those microlabels and various neo gender identities comforting. because a lot of neurodivergent people feel the need to like organise everything into categories and assort and classify everything in their brains. and when the video essay author said that i was like oof i feel that so deeply. like my whole personality basically consists of lists and categories i feel very strongly about for no logical reason. everything i like or identify as has to be sorted and classified into "favourites" and "hate lists" and different levels and ranks and stuff. so i do think that if i grew up even more chronically online than i did, i could've definitely been some kind of surrealgenderkin neopronouns weirdo.

and i was thinking about that and how growing up with this kind of weirdly wired brain was very strange. because i could never like something in moderation, no, i always had to be obsessed. and i couldn't just be obsessed, there were always some kind of rules i had to follow. i had to classify my obsession, study it deeply and behave accordingly. i had to absorb it all and become my obsession.

and the funny thing about this, is that no matter how consumed id always felt by my obsessions, it was all very surface level. it felt like trying on an intricately made beautifully detailed costume, but a costume nevertheless. like when i went thru that lizzy-grant-i-like-older-men phase, it was never about actually liking older men or actually being attracted to them or actually believing that it was natural to be attracted to older men, or whatever bullshit i would say. it was about being consumed by the aesthetic of it, all while convincing myself that if i pretend and fit in hard enough into the cage i had once again forced upon myself, this lifestyle will finally make me feel at peace. and every time i would try on a different belief system, a different political point of view, etc, i would just try to follow the rules of it and force the dogmas of it onto myself, without digging deeper or asking myself why and if i actually liked the thing i was obsessed with.

like it's weird and it's illogical. but ive always perceived the world as something that comes upon you from the outside that you have to get used to. meanwhile in reality, your opinions, desires and beliefs come from within you. and ive only figured that out literally this year.

so i remember being a teen, struggling with trying to find peace with transitioning into a young woman, trying on different belief systems, convincing myself that one of them has to hold the truth. but it was the wrong way to look to begin with! you have to find your values first and then see if maybe they align with anyone else's. not the other way around! it sounds stupid when i say that, but when all you've been doing your whole life is classifying things and sorting all of your interests into boxes, you don't ever realise that your thoughts can come from within! you feel like an empty vessel, needing to be filled with obsessions from the outside world. but those obsessions will never make you feel at peace because you have to produce your own thoughts and beliefs and have your own values. and that concept is still very hard for me to grasp.

so now this is where i see the problem with lauren southern. i feel like she too was in the same scenario with her failed marriage. as a young woman she became an anti-sjw activist and then pushed herself further and further to the right, all while having the most basic and surface-level understanding of it. she followed all the steps laid out for her by the ideology she chose: be catholic, marry a man, have a child, be a housewife. and shocker! those weren't her values to begin with. so she became unhappy.

and there's something so relatable about that. like i remember being obsessed with B, the same way id be obsessed with anything. i pushed this obsession on myself and then tried to convince myself that it was for me, all while staying superficial, never questioning my choices or values. why did i like B? why was B a good fit for me? why did i have to be with him? i don't know, i just had to. it was some supernatural force i guess, convincing me that i had to follow those rules in my brain in order to be happy. but why? i never asked myself the question.

and now lauren is like "i married the guy bc he promised me i could be a housewife and he was catholic and traditional". like you see how superficial that is? it's literally the same story as collecting microlabels like pokemon bc your neurodivergent brain finds it satisfying. like catholic man? check. traditional catholic man? check. housewife status with traditional catholic man? check. baby with traditional catholic man? check. but now what's next? what's the essence of it all? why did you convince yourself that this was good for you? do you even know why you believe what you claim to believe? it's all for aesthetics and obsessive compartmentalisation.

anyway, i didn't watch the whole video because it's like an hour+ long and i have shit to do. but i did watch a bit of lana lokteff's reaction to it. and god she's such a vile woman. like as soon as i saw the thumbnail of her video in the recommended bar i had a vomit reflex lol. but in her video she was basically scolding lauren for making bad choices and not thinking things through, all while saying how marriage is so much deeper than what meets the eye and marriage is great basically. and yeah, you can't argue with that. marriage isn't just some life trophy to collect, it's a whole thing. but does the altright ever explain that to women? are those tradwives making tiktoks showing what marriage actually is? all rightwing women hear is "get married, have kids, it's great" and that's it. and if your understanding of the world is flawed because of the weird mechanics of your brain, you're gonna understand just that. and marry the first catholic man you meet like lauren southern. and be unhappy because you were never taught to question why.

[trash-slvt]

Wow, this blew up. This was a silly post i made before i'd had my coffee or meds but its a sentiment i've been thinking about a lot recently. ive been reading through the notes and theres way too many to reply to. but they mostly fall into these categories: apollo dodgeball / if you knock on enough doors asking for the devil: I think thats actually a big part of why i made this. Youtube (or any corporation) will do everything it can to make more money. they would implement this in a second if it were both technologically feasible and socially acceptable (or at least, acceptable enough to not cause too much of a backlash). a decade ago, this concept met neither criteria. now its dangerously close to meeting both.

The web was built on a model where the website sends you content and a suggestion of how to render it - to give users the freedom to interact with it however they choose. Since then, there's been a battle between corporations and this principle as they use every trick they can come up with to force you to render the content the way they want you to.

The most effective way that corporations have achieved this is with apps. Paraphrasing Cory Doctorow[1], an app is just a website that its illegal to mess with. So many of the notes are people saying "i wish i could block youtube ads on my phone/smart tv/game console". this is a problem, and a bad sign of what to come.

another thing that makes this concept technologically feasible and socially acceptable in my opinion is face id. Having a camera scan your face automatically before letting you progress has become normal. Its common to put tape over your webcam, but nobody puts tape over their phone camera. Somehow, we've been trained to view it differently. more broadly, I dont think the web is meant to be profitable. The old internet was full of small forums run at a loss fueled by the passion of their creators. When corporations moved in down the road with enough money to drive the forums away and take over, those corporations still didnt turn a profit. and they havent for a decade. Now they're getting desperate and they're going to extract as much as they can from their users to try and recoup those costs. Your outrage over the concept of this is important. Visible backlash to hostile practices works. its important that we all say Fuck That loudly and often. Youtube is adding a five second delay for firefox users: I read about this immediately after making the original post. this is such a brazen move by google. I hope they get in some serious shit for leveraging one monopoly to bolster another but im not familiar enough with international law to know if thats likely.

Regardless, google has been showing their hand lately with so many hostile decisions. Their only leverage is their user base. Don't help them. Switch to firefox. if you need to, you can make firefox pretend to be chrome for specific websites Ads are getting worse / loud ads in asmr videos / pragerU and other evil ads: Ad blocking still works! please use an ad block! install ublock origin! Youtube is working hard break ad blockers but the ublock devs are working harder to keep them working. you just need to update the filter lists every now and then. here's a guide I still want to support creators: Find a way to support them directly! youtube is a notoriously unreliable income source. Check how the creator you want to support would prefer you support them. Chucking them a few bucks once will go a lot further than watching ads.

Piss kink references: Thank you tumblr for being tumblr. A lot of the replies have been pretty heavy so these silly responses have been surprisingly refreshing.

----

I highly recommend Cory doctorow's defcon talk about the state of the web and how we can fix it. it put words to things i'd been feeling for a long time and introduced me to new ways of thinking about some of this stuff. Its linked at the bottom.

Its been wild having this post break containment like this. Tumblr is my place for shouting into the void and im used to most of my original posts not getting much traction (which is fine, or maybe even the point). the concept of over thirty thousand people reading something i wrote is hard to even conceptualize. I wasn't at all prepared for this but its touching that so many people resonated with my anger and frustration.

Okay, i'm going to go outside and remind myself that there is still so much good in the world. Fighting corporations is important but don't forget to also marvel at a cool bug or something to balance it out [1] - DEF CON 31 - An Audacious Plan to Halt the Internet's Enshittification - Cory Doctorow [Invidious link] [yt]

[not-the-grave]

and it’s NOT that im trying to override your pain with my own i know you’re suffering i know you just got bad news today and you don’t feel good and you’re sick and can’t help the way you want and you feel helpless and can’t do the things you want to right now. I KNOW. i want to be there for you. but it’s more news on top of more bad news on top of more bad news and i’m sick too and i can’t take care of myself let alone another person and im trying and it’s not working and i know im failing you and i know you think you’re failing me and maybe you are but im going to be sick forever and nothing can change that and i wish you hadn’t been so unlucky as to get stuck with me. i know you hate this i hate it too i know you hate all of this but i promise i hate myself more for letting all of this happen. im so sorry i failed you i fail everyone at some point and it’s just too much. i cant be there for everyone and help you too and host the holidays and keep a house clean and take care of myself and deal with all the things i need to do and coordinate all of the help and events and keep pretending it’s fine and that all of this is fine and i’m happy for you and not sick out of my mind with worry. because i am happy for you but you never take it easy and you won’t listen and now you’re hurting worse and i cant fix it and you keep overdoing it and i cant live with all of the stress. i cant live like this but i have to live with this and i dont know how to do them both at once and im just keeping it together so you dont lose someone else. and im very worried that i am still at heart a bad person but id rather die than address all of that. i thought things were going to be better than this. im so sorry that im leaving you to die again

[nathank77]

12/14/24

9:35 a.m

So I love my new shoes but i think they are too tight. Idk. They def were.... I was getting compressed nerves and shit... I loosened up the laces hardcore. Cause they were really tight. And yea the nerve compression went away... but I still feel the toe box is too small but idk if I'm being dramatic.

I love getting new shoes... but i hate that whole breaking them in thing.. cause like maybe they are too tight... maybe all I got to do is break them in and then it'll be like all my other shoes... but if I break them in I can't return them if they are too tight..

My new Adidas i was worried about but I loosened the laces and they got really comfortable. And now i know they fit. I don't have to break those in (just a little but not like these shoes) but they are a style of Adidas i own another pair of so they are the same....just different colors.... so I know if I buy that style multiple times they'll fit once I loosen the laces...

The thing about these Osiris High tops is they fit better in all the right ways but the toe box... like for example... all my other shoes once I loosen them up and can fit comfortably in them, my heel is leaving the back of the show every step I take but I got all this room in the toe box... if I tighten them my toes get compressed... yes I am a wider foot person..

All my shoes other than my ugly under arnour shoes my heel leaves the shoe when I walk.... I now remember why I kept the ugly under armour shoes... despite the monstrosity of how ugly they are... they are insanely comfortable... part of me wants a basic pair of under armour black sneakers... bc they are so comfy it's like a perfect pillow for my feet. Good arch support. Perfect sized toe box and yea..

But so these Osiris fit good in a different way than all my other shoes except my ugly under armour... when I walk my foot stays in the heel part. There is slight separation but only slight.. all my other shoes my shoes almost come off when I walk and I can't tighten them without making the toe box very uncomfortable..

These Osiris have good heel contact. But the toe box is just a tiny bit too small.. I want to break them in but they are expensive. I fucking love the shoe and I'm trying to make them work but I mean if I break them in I cannot return them. If I size up its a big process and I may find that I have the same problem.

Anyways poop has been good to me today...

And beyond that my mother wants to rehome Riley. I told her not to waste my time with a conversation about it. It's already happened 3 times counting this time and I fully expect her to change her mind and I have already accepted ill never be able to have a friend over again and I won't be able to have a birthday party.

So yea. I got to run some errands today and evaluate my shoes... I'm def a size 9.. but in some shoes I think a 9 1/2 would be beneficial.. id buy all future Osiris in 9 1/2.. like those adidas I bought. They were so uncomfortable bc they squeezed my baby pinky toe..... the Osiris sorta do but not as much now that I loosened them. When I wear other sneakers I see that my baby toe is against the side of the shoe and I mean the only difference is i broke them in......

But those adidas were so fucking uncomfortable that no matter how I fucked with the laces I couldn't even pretend they were comfortable..I'm glad I returned them bc I didn't like them as much I as I like the Osiris..... or even as much as I did online when I saw them in person. When I saw my Osiris in person I loved them more in person than online...

But yea Idk what to do.

[gordontheengineswifenirmal]

3 years now and counting for me. N even when u did, wasn’t that often. Sometimes as little as once or twice in a year. I was ashamed I wasn’t as ‘productive’ then. I was conditioned by society, n I also knew little about asexual then. I was desperate for acceptance, and wanted to be loved. Instead, I was used n made a fool of. Repeatedly.

Now, I’m redefining what it’s like to be single. I’m making single a badass thing to be instead of taboo.

It’s liberating. I finally get to make up the rules. Not having to share a bed is excellent. Doing what u want without having to worry if ur good looking enough, if they really love u, if they’re cheating, if they’re using u, if they actually love or desire someone else more, if they have diseases, etc. is an incredible feeling. I used to be very lonely. I’ve learned to be me own best company, n accept meself.

Everytime id meet blokes, it started to become routine. They’d pretend to be nice. Some would try to stick around. Some would smash, pass n b on their way to the next victim. They knew what they were doing, n I had been a bit too optimistic that they were different this time. I started losing interest and attraction. I no longer had crushes on anyone. The men I was with were varying degrees on the looks s take, n yet I felt the same. It was increasingly take or leave it. I started seriously considering the latter more. After awhile, the feeling became the same for all of them :

And I got very sick of the charade. I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I’d try to pretend I was into them. I’d be somewhat attracted at best. Me whole heart wasn’t into it. I began to feel that way with sex n romance in general. It honestly began to feel like I was trying to drag meself to a job I wasn’t happy in, but I had no idea there were other options. I also started losing attraction in general, n at first that scared n confused me. It was a new feeling. It wasn’t necessarily bad, just very unfamiliar. I felt….lost and confused af.

Eventually, I became more comfortable in me own skin. I still battle cliches, stereotypes, assumptions, n false rumours, but only because those people are uncomfortable n unhappy with themselves, n they want to project that on me, to make themselves feel better.

Im happier. Being alone isn’t a curse. It doesn’t HAVE to be depressing. It’s like an empty room - if COULD be depressing - if u choose to leave it that way. But, you can dress it up, you can use it as a blank canvas, and have fun with it. See the positives in it.

People who have the chutzpah to say yeah, I’m single n not interested in anyone have a unique strength. They stand up for themselves n own it. They r super self reliant. It’s soooo much better to hear than ‘oh yeah, I bedded x number of people, and I’m experienced I’m so sexy look at me, u know u want me.’ That’s a coward. They hide behind a false ego, n it makes them weak. They have to rely on other people and their vices to get by. They’re as sad as addicts. In a way, they are addicts.

Then there’s us - not having to fight for bed space or covers. Not having to deal with a jealous partner if u want to go do some activity. Not having to wonder if they r doing something u may need to b concerned about. No concern that they might have given u an std. U can eat, watch, listen to, whatever - u want. U can go enjoy events. I love seeing other single people doing their thing, not bowing to social pressure. Hell, when you realise u can get the job done with a cracking imagination n some vibrators, n not feel shitty, guilty, or awkward afterwards……that alone is worth it!

For me, men have been replaced by trains, and I’ve definitely upgraded.

There is more to life than sex n romance, and it’s definitely worth thinking out of the box to explore.

[iamdrowninghelpme98]

Entry 22:

2024

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

October

I had the nightmare again tonight.

The vegas nightmare.

Ugh.

I hope typing some of this out will help, I just need to get it off my mind, maybe then I can sleep.

I started working at the strip club when I was in highschool. I was using a fake ID, and getting paid under the table by people who quite frankly didn’t care how old I was anyway.

I never thought I’d be that girl- a stripper. It wasn’t supposed to be my story. But when you’re young, desperate, and already living on the edge, you find yourself making choices you never imagined. R talked me into it, like he did with so many other things. He painted a picture of quick cash and free drinks, just entertaining some older men for a few hours. But by calling it ‘entertaining,’ R severely downplayed what really happens there. It wasn’t just dancing and smiling at men; it was navigating a world of hands that wandered too far, whispered propositions, and the constant pressure to blur the lines between fantasy and reality. There was an unspoken understanding that, for the right amount of cash, the boundaries didn’t matter. Some nights I’d find myself in the back rooms, where men thought their money entitled them to more than what I wanted to offer, where ‘no’ was just another word they tried to buy their way past. The drinks flowed, the music blared, but behind the lights and the cigarette smoke there was a darker reality that R never bothered to acknowledge. For him, it was easy to dismiss because he didn’t have to endure it; he just reaped the rewards while I dealt with the consequences.

At first, it was just an occasional thing, a shift a month, enough to keep our drug stash up and make rent. I was still in high school, barely getting by as a student. Midnight shifts that lasted until 5 a.m. left me exhausted, stumbling into class a few hours later, still drunk on last night’s drinks. I couldn’t tell anyone where I’d been. I’d just sit there in silence, stealing sleep in class and trying to pretend everything was normal.

The clubs back in my home city were a far cry from glamorous. They were in the worst parts of town, full of sketchy guys- bored husbands, lonely older men, finance bros, and the occasional bachelor party. The money wasn’t great; just enough to make it barely worth it. To really make anything, you had to go beyond pole dances and lap dances, but you do what you have to do when your back is against the wall.

No matter what city we lived in, I would find myself working in another shitty club. R and I spent some time living in Las Vegas for a little while. Vegas was a whole different animal. I thought I could handle it, and for a while, I did. The money was insane- no slow nights, cash being thrown around every single day of the week. There were endless drugs, and I had a nice hotel room for R and I, all paid for by some club customer for the month we were planning on being in town. It should have felt like an upgrade, but it didn’t. Vegas was crawling with the worst kind of people- creeps, pervs, and men who didn’t know the meaning of boundaries. Every night brought a new “worst” encounter. Just when I thought I’d met the biggest asshole in town, another one would come along and raise the bar.

I was robbed more than once there. One guy pulled a gun on me in a private room; another one a taser. But none of that compared to the night that ended ever working in Vegas again. It’s the one I still can’t talk about, not in therapy, not even here without feeling like I’m going to throw up, it’s the one that replays in my nightmares. R is the only person who knows the full story, and even then, I’m not sure I told him everything.

But I’m trying to. I want to get it out. I keep having nightmares about that night and I think it’s because I have it stored so deep inside of me that my subconscious is choking on the memory. It started like any other typical Vegas night- another random customer who brought me to another random hotel room. He seemed like any other guy I’ve spent time with before, high on something, probably more than just alcohol. I was trying to keep the conversation going, playing along as usual. But things changed when he started smoking a crack pipe, his behavior turned erratic. He began firing questions at me about God, the Bible, and sin, barely letting me answer before he started calling me a sinner, saying I was condemned to hell. It was only halfway through his rant that I noticed the knife in his hand.

He demanded I recite bible verses I didn’t know, screaming that I was one of the “devil’s girls” now pointing the knife at me. His words were all deranged ramblings, he claimed to be a prophet who sent wicked women back to hell, he then told me it was my turn that night.

I tried to leave, but he was quicker. He chased me around the room, onto the balcony, vowing he would throw me over the side and turn me into a puddle if I screamed. The next moment, I’m running to the main door, but then he had me by the hair, eventually dragging me into the bathroom. I remember my head being shoved under the running tub water, over and over. He kept muttering about cleansing my adulterous ways, as if he was performing some kind of sick ritual.

There are only a few times in my life when I genuinely thought I was going to die, and that was one of them. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t fight back. I could feel my body giving up as he pushed my head under again and again in the tub. He pushed my face into the toilet. Back into the tub. Turning the water from burning hot to freezing cold over and over. When I finally blacking out, I remember thinking I was dying, this was it. But I woke up. When I came to, I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the nightmare wasn’t over. When I came to, I was in his hotel bed. I don’t know if I can bring myself to write down exactly what happened at that point, I’m siting here trying to, but I see it all the time in my nightmares, the nightmares keep replaying it, and I just don’t know how much more I want to describe right now. The memory makes me want to get high, and I can’t.

But through everything that man was doing I pretended to be unconscious, frozen in place. Eventually when he finished, he left for the bathroom, and when I heard him in the shower, I knew it was my only chance.

I ran.

I ran faster than I ever have in my life, I bolted out of that hotel like I was escaping hell itself. Naked and bleeding.

After that Vegas night, I couldn’t shower on my own for a while. I kept having flashbacks of drowning in the tub, of the assault- it was horrible, I had to have my husband with me at all times in the bathroom for over a month. I had lasting marks all over my back from where that man scratched crosses into me, from where he ripped clumps of my hair out..I couldn’t look in the mirror at my body for weeks.

I didn’t call the police. I didn’t report it. I learned early on it a waste of time involving cops when you work the job I do, you have to spend half the interaction just trying to convince them that a sex worker can in fact be raped.

That was the last night I ever worked in Vegas. I even told myself I’d never set foot in a club again, but life has a way of pulling you back into the darkness, especially when you’ve been living there for so long. I left Vegas, but returned to working in another state at another club before long. Every club is like a separate world, each one with its own rules and undercurrents that you had to learn to navigate if you wanted to survive. That was the unspoken truth – it wasn’t just a job or a hustle; it was survival. For a while, I think I convinced myself I had control, like I was the one calling the shots, but in reality, it was all just an illusion wrapped up in dollar bills and fake smiles.

There’s something that changes in you after a while, almost like a split – one part of you is the performer, the stripper, who knows how to move just the right way and say just the right things to keep the men coming back. That part of you learns to tolerate the touch of a stranger, while controlling the sickness and burning you feel inside.

But the other part of you starts to fade, becoming quieter and more distant, almost like watching yourself in a movie. The part that is silently screaming and filled with disgust. It was that version of myself that kept drowning, clawing to the surface whenever I was alone, whenever I had to stand under the water in the shower and pretend to be okay. And then there was R, hovering like a shadow, reminding me that I wasn’t really free, anywhere.

I thought leaving Vegas would make things better, that being back in our home state would be a clean slate. But it wasn’t. I traded one kind of chaos for another. It didn’t matter where we were; R’s influence was always there, pushing me to go back to the clubs as if it was the only option, god forbid he get a job himself.

My husband would love to reap the benefits of my job- the cash, the drugs- but he was quick to constantly use it against me. When he was mad, he’d wield my job like a weapon to demean me and put me down, reminding me of how much of lowlife I was. It was a cruel contradiction: he depended on the lifestyle my work afforded him, but made sure to twist it into another way to control me. His jealousy only fueled the fire; he’d seethe at the thought of the men I had to entertain, accusing me of enjoying the attention, of liking being a slut, even though he was the one pushing me to go back to the clubs, telling me it was the only thing I was good for- getting cash.

I could fill a book with the stories I have from working all these clubs– some of them even funny in a sad way, like the man who wanted to pay me extra just to sit on a cake so he could eat it, the regular who’d order expensive champagne just to talk about his dead dog, the guy who would pay to lick my shoes..But those moments, however bizarre or darkly amusing, were only distractions from the real story, the one written in the scars you can’t see and the memories that don’t fade.

You see another side of society being a sex worker, another side of human nature. Not everyone is able to recover from being immersed in that. No one genuinely wants to be in this line of work; almost every girl I’ve worked with in the clubs is in the most tragic of situations- abused, struggling with addiction, single moms, or utterly alone with no family to turn to. We have a lot in common. They’re all desperate, doing what they can to survive.

I never thought I would be one of those girls, but here I am, apart of the world I used to view from a distance. It’s a place where resilience is mistaken for choice and survival is romanticized as empowerment, when in reality, it’s just pain dressed up in lingerie and heels.

It’s been a week since I last worked at a club, and I’ve only managed to show up twice in the past several weeks. I’ve been avoiding it like the plague, knowing all too well that the temptations there, drugs lurking in every corner.. they pose a constant threat to my sobriety. Truthfully, working while sober is an entirely different challenge; you’re painfully aware of every detail, every look, every word. It’s so much easier to numb that awareness when you’re high. Yet, despite coming close, I haven’t relapsed. But when I do come close, it always seems to be at the club, where survival feels impossible without something to dull the edges. But shit, not working the club is taking a significant toll on me financially, and I feel the weight of that every day. But my sobriety is more important than any paycheck, and I’m doing my best to hold on to that truth, even when it’s hard. I’m trying to stay strong, reminding myself that every moment I choose to walk away is a victory, no matter how small it feels in the moment. I know the real fight isn’t just about leaving the club- it’s about reclaiming my life.

[tetartagonista]

I never really understood opportunity cost, regarding time.

in a video game, if you leave a sidequest that looks time-sensitive, it'll tend to be there how you left it if you come back hours, days, weeks, months, years later. and if not, there's usually a clear warning. i never really got past the realization that that's... not how real life works.

there are things that will still be there, yes, but your relationships shift over time no matter how you want them to, and they atrophy if left behind.

the notion that the friends, crushes, exes of my past won't... just still be there, waiting for me... I never really do grasp it. that my best friends from high school aren't the same people anymore. we don't live in the same state anymore. we haven't heard from each other in years, and that means that catching up, well... it wouldn't be quite as simple as it feels like it should be.

and some of those people will still be there. but it's on a case by case basis, and, to be honest, a month by month one too. sometimes I have time for new and old people, people not in my routine. sometimes I don't. their lives are the same in that regard, I'm sure.

i have an ex. a handful, actually, but this post was prompted by one specifically. we just... drifted apart, at one point. we just stopped talking. it was my fault, really; I drifted further, and faster, and I can delegate that blame to the people that made me this way, but, that won't change I drifted away from her more than the other way around.

lately I've been doing much better than I was doing then. I'm more equipped to be in a relationship now. im... still distant with people, but so much less so. and I'm just less anxious. and so now a relationship with her seems more appealing than it did when I was in it. I'm no longer so afraid of codependency, of ways we differ, of getting hurt, the like. I'm still scared, but I no longer feel the need to run away.

and I've been seeing her around again. and we've been making friendly conversation. nothing deep, but more than small talk; we talk like friends... because we are. but I can't get her out of my head.

and tonight I was reminded that she wasn't waiting on me. which, of course! why would she be? but it still hit me like a truck. she's become more serious with her long term partner, who she was also partners with when she and I dated. I wasn't bothered by her other partner then. frankly, I'm not bothered by them now. but the notion that they got more serious and are making life plans together while I... fucked around hiding from people and feeling scared? it hurts. I wouldn't have with her what they have, and that's fine. I don't want it. but I could have been building all that closeness all that time.

and instead I ended the relationship on the sourest of ghosting-adjacent notes because I was too afraid. and I wish I could have another chance. I wish I could return to this quest like it hadn't been over a year that I pretended it wasn't happening, and have it still be there.

and who knows, maybe it's still open to me. but i just... I don't think I have it in me to pursue it. it seems like a recipe for disaster for a number of reasons. id be rebounding to a different ex than the one I recently split with, at a minimum of the impending problems. and that just seems like a recipe for redoing the same shit that I'm already ashamed of.

but that's all rationalizations. that's not the real problem. the real problem is that once you accept, even for just a single situation, that time is passing when you pretend that it isn't, you have to contend with the notion that it might be too late for something. and you can only ever find out by chasing it and hoping that it isn't. you have to decide that it's worth it to try chasing something you might be too late for, that might be slipping away faster than you can chase it, and sprint after it.

you have to accept that the prospects might already be doomed and decide that it's worth pursuing anyways.

and I don't know. I'm a little bit of a wuss about that.