#but like the main character is a historian!! and she's not stupid! she should know what the east india company is!

[kazz-brekker]

i read the rise and fall of d.o.d.o. recently and it was not like. the best time travel book i have ever read but i am particularly hung up on a part where they are trying to stop one particular business in the past from being created for ~reasons~ but the way that they do this is by traveling back in time and trying to convince a guy in elizabethan england to invest in the east india company instead and at no point do any of characters acknowledge that the east india company is like. evil.

[stuckonmain]

As the World Falls Down (Pt.23)

TOH Hunter/Golden Guard x reader

 Masks and Bets part twenty-three.

Series Masterlist

*******

Hunter honestly did not want to let you go. Like, ever again. 

  Which was stupid, because you were busy. Drawing glyphs and grinning that stupid grin. Titan you were pretty.

  Augh, he was zoning out! He was supposed to be drawing, but…

  Maybe it was weird and dumb, but he scooted closer to you. 

  You were intensely focused on drawing the little triangles and lines that made up the light glyph. He kinda wanted to hug you right now. 

  That was weird. 

  Okay, maybe it wasn’t.

  He should probably be more worried about the end of the world, and like…Belos.

  Oh shit Belos…

  What if Belos found you, possessed you?! That was too much main character treatment for one witch, right?! Titan, he sure hoped it was- 

  But Belos was brutal, and the author was brutal-er, so could he really rule out the possibility?!

  Hunter swallowed, staring at his hands. 

  They looked wrong. Too pink. Too…Belos-possesion-scar-y. They didn’t look like his hands. And worse was his face…he thought his scars were bad before, but now…

  “Hey.” Someone set a hand on his shoulder. Oh. It was you. That made sense.

  “Hey,” he said, attempting a grin. He only managed to produce a weak smile.

  “What do you think things’re gonna be like after this whole ‘end of the world’ thing?” you said, staring at your glyphs.

  “Huh?” Hunter said, taken aback. Normally you’d say something comforting right about then, but uh…okay. “Gee. I…I dunno.”

  “Well if the Isles’re anything like they were before, then I wanna be a historian.” you said, scooting closer to him.

  “A historian?”

  “Yeah. I wanna know what happened to our…uh…ortets.”

  “Ortets?”

  “Clone bases.”

  Yeah, he knew what ‘ortet’ meant, he was just…surprised.

  “Uh…why?” 

  “Curiosity. Dunno. I’m just talking, really. I have no idea what I wanna be.” You chuckled, handing Amity your stack of completed glyphs.

  “Well…I wanna be with you.” Hunter said.

  Huh, okay. Not quite his usual style, but it was true.

  “Oh. Me too.” you said with a soft smile. “I love me.”

  “Oh- hey!”

  “Teasing. Of course I wanna be with you.” you grinned, putting your arm around his shoulders.

  Another shard of rock fell and you dragged him back in the nick of time. 

  “Nice save.” Willow grinned, giving you a high-five. 

  “Oh…thanks!” you said, seeming a little confused…no, a little surprised. You were smiling.

  Hunter felt kinda shaken, but whatever. He smiled weakly and stood up, offering you a hand.

  “I think we’ve probably got enough glyphs.” 

  You nodded, taking it. “Yessir.”

  A large rock hit the ground where you’d been sitting a moment ago, and you jumped. 

  “Ooh, okay! Definitely enough glyphs then.” you squeaked, handing him a few. 

  “Ready Goldie?” you grinned. And for a moment, he was back in the good ‘ol days of antagonizing you in the Emperor’s coven. Back when you were endlessly confident and horribly annoying.

  But happy.

  Back then, you were happy. 

  Hunter felt a stab of grief at the loss of that innocence- in himself and in you.

  So with a steely grin of his own, he held up his own glyphs.

  “Ready, Ego.”

*******

  The battle against the falling Archives had seemed like it was going well until it wasn’t. 

  I swallowed, dodging another shard of rock. Somewhere in the distance my friends were protecting some puppet-ified students, while Willow, Amity, and I fought the ceiling. 

  The floor shook harder.

  “I don’t think this is working.” I coughed.

  “Not helping-” Amity grunted through gritted teeth.

  “But-” I cut myself off. She was right. We could defeat this with the power of friendship. I swallowed and carved another glyph into the rock, having long since run out of paper-

  The ground shook harder and faster like the world's most sickening boat ride.

  Oh fuck the castle was falling.

  We were freefalling off The Titan’s horn.

  Hunter teleported into existence next to me.

  Huh, that’s a thing he can do now-

  Not the time-

  “Hey.” I whispered, grabbing his hand.

  “What’re we gonna do?” he said softly, gripping my hand like a lifeline.

  “I don’t know.” I murmured, closing my eyes shut tight.

  Fuck the power of friendship.

  Nah wait that’s a horrible last thought.

  What about scaremel lattes? That’s a good last thought-

  Fuck you brain (Y/N)-

  I’d love to claim that I had come up with something meaningful, but that would be a lie. I just braced for impact…

  Waiting…

  Waiting…

  Three…two…one…

  We weren’t dead.

  I hesitantly blinked an eye open, looking around.

  Everyone was frozen, eyes shut tight and scared.

  I slowly let go of Hunter’s hand.

  “Hey dude.” I whispered, surveying the damage.

  He opened his eyes too.

  “Lookit.”

  It was a pink string.

  I stared up to the source of the strings that held us up…

  And perched at the top of The Titan’s horn, holding tight to the celestial strings, stood Collector.

  “The Collector?” Hunter breathed.

  “Is he…” Willow whispered, glancing up.

  “He’s helping!” Gus exclaimed.

  “Collector?” I grinned.

  “Hey (Y/N).” they said, smiling weakly as he dragged us back up to safety.

*******

  I found out later that Luz had done what Luz always does- saving the day and being a self sacrificial dumbass. I hugged her, grinning and laughing excitedly.

  “I’m so glad you’re okay!” she grinned, pulling away. “Thanks for taking care of this little guy,” she added, and pointed at King.

  “Hey, I took care of (Y/N) too,” King protested.

  “True. Thanks for taking care of my idiot.” Hunter said, smiling. He shook King’s hand.

  I scoffed. “Thanks for keeping Hunter from destroying the human realm.” I said to Luz loudly.

  He snorted. “Thanks for keeping (Y/N) from destroying the demon realm!” he added to King.

  King and Luz glanced at each other, grinning. 

  “Hey kid, your mom’s pretty cool!” Eda grinned, dragging Camila over to Luz, and I grinned, taking Hunter’s hand. 

  “Hey Darius- Darius!” I said, waving at the former coven head.

  “Hello Hotshot.” He said, rolling his eyes fondly. “Little Prince.”

  “Check out what I made! Mrs. Noceda had this machine that sewed- I made this shirt! And these pants!” Hunter exclaimed, running up to Darius excitedly.

  I smiled as they caught up, and scanned the room for Lilith.

  Oh…she was talking to Ni- um, Leo and his partner.

  Hunter had explained it to me on the way here what had happened- and although you already kinda know, I’ll recap it because the author is insecure in his ability to explain things:

 Leo was Sparrow’s son and my older brother/another clone of the witch who was friends with Belos and Caleb Wittebane. He had been captured by the Emperor’s Coven when they recruited me. Eda had hidden him, Adam, and Sparrow in the Human Realm.

  Leo had also been friends with Lilith…until she accidentally sold him out to the Coven.

  Understand? Good, me neither. 

  So I intended to just let them reconnect.

  Until I noticed Eda behind me, watching them too.

  “Hey Owl Lady.” I said.

  “Hey kid.” she said, ruffling my hair. 

  “Do you think Lilith missed me?”

  “I think that’s a stupid question. C’mon. Let’s go see Lily.” Eda grinned, dragging me into the group along with herself.

  “Hey (Y/N)!” Lane grinned. “And you, Edalyn. Remember how you told me you and Leo were just totally normal chill people who went to a different school?”

  Eda chuckled, holding her hands up. “Heh, well- it was a pretty bad lie, that one’s on you Lanie.”

  “I missed you.” Lane smiled, hugging my aunt.

  “Hey Lilith.” I said, staring at the ground, and her and Leo noticed me.

  “Kid!” he grinned, punching me in the arm. “You did good back there.”

  “Ha, thanks. Thanks for helping Camila. And um…everything.” I chuckled, but my eyes were on Lilith.

  Leo raised an eyebrow, smiling as he looked back and forth at me and Lilith. “I…I’ll give you two some space.” He said, and went off to join Lane and Eda.

  “So. I hear you did some heroic stuff back there.” Lilith said, smiling.

  “Uh…yeah, I guess so. I mean, it was mostly Luz. And Camila. I just drew glyphs and made obnoxious commentary to an imaginary audience.” I chuckled, rubbing the back of my neck.

  “Yeah, well, that’s a heck of a lot more than Bosha did, right?” Lilith teased, nudging my shoulder.

  I grinned. “Ha, I…I guess so.” 

  Lilith smiled, tears in her eyes. “Titan (Y/N)...I’m so so proud of you.”

  “I…” I hugged her.

  She hugged me back tightly. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, Ma.” I said, feeling my eyes start to water. When she pulled away, we were both crying- smiling and crying.

  I was home.

*******

  Back at The Owl House, I sat criss cross on the floor, watching Eda introduce Camila, Leo, and Lane to Raine Whispers. Lilith sat next to me, drinking in the warm scene.

  Someone knocked lightly on the open door frame.

  “Hey guys.” said the small voice of Collector. “I uh…brought you something.” and with a wave of his hands he produced two glowing stars– and they grew into the puppets of Hooty and-

  “Thursday!” I beamed, hugging my raven close. “Hey, Collector- thank you.”

  Collector smiled, and went on to give King Fracios the bunny.

  King hugged them. “I hope I’ll see you again.” he whispered.

  Hey wait what?

  “...Again?” I repeated, standing up. “You’re leaving?”

  Collector shrugged, smiling. “I’ve got a lotta growing up to do, (Y/N).” and he headed out the door.

  If you had asked me a month ago what I’d do when The Collector left, I’d have said ‘celebrate’.

  But now…

  “Collector, wait.” I said, running after them.

  They raised an eyebrow.

  I pulled them into a hug. “Collector, I…I’m so proud to be your older sibling.” I whispered.

  They froze, and then hugged me back tightly. “Thanks.”

  “Hey, I’ve got something for you.” I said, running back to The Owl House. “Stay put, I’ll be right back.”

  I smiled and scooped up my cloak where I’d left it, next to Lilith. It was the celestial one, all covered in stars and glitter, just as pretty as it was the night I received it. With a quick spell circle, I cut out my favorite constellation.

  “Here.” I said, running outside.

  “Stars?” Collector smiled, taking the embroidered fabric.

  “Yeah. It’s um…not much, but y’know- I’ve got the whole cloak to remember you by, so I figured you could have my favorite piece of it to remind you of me.” I smiled.

  “I love it.” They whispered, holding it tight.

  “Hey Collector, one last thing.” I grinned. “If the other star people push ya around, remember that word I taught you.”

  A smirk flickered on their lips. “Fuck?”

  I nodded sternly. “Yes. Fuck. Use it wisely, little sibling.”

  He grinned. “I will. I promise.”

  I nodded. “Hey…before you go, you wanna stick around for a bit? Just um…y’know, to grab snacks?”

  His face lit up. “Can I?”

  “Of course, kid.” I said, taking advantage of getting to call someone else ‘kid’ for once. “You’re always welcome here.”

  “I’d love to.” He said, and followed me back in.

*******

Author's note: And that's all, folks! Haha no it's actually not, I gotta do an epilogue- keep your eyes peeled for that, I'm pretty hyped about it!!

Also the title is a Labyrinth reference this time because David Bowie is wonderful.

Also me and that girl went to see ASTEROID CITY LET'S GOOOO! it went great thanks for the peer pressure

On another note, thanks for stickin' with me through the chaos of this fic. I know there's a lot of story threads I'm yet to explain- I'll try to to get to that in the epilogue, but y'know- a lot of this plot was based on theories, so as much as I tried to plan things, The Owl House wasn't finished with season two for the majority of the time I planned this lol. I might go through and touch it up- there's some things that really bother me, like in chapter two and three- but eh, in the meantime, I think it holds up okay. This fic is a true testament to what the inside of my brain looks like- compelling yet half baked.

See ya in the epilogue, dear witches, demons, and weird kids. This'll be fun.

Taglist:

@vievi

@generousdoodleforillustration

@harlanfalcon

@ronipiamka

@draarnaak

@cloud-9ine

@jinxed-jk

@not-nubno

@hunter-therapy

@scaredy-cat-anne

@bleh-stupid

@luleck

[manuscripts-dontburn]

The Morning Gift

Author: Eva Ibbotson

First published: 1993

Rating:  ★★★★☆

I adored this story! A romance born on the eve of WW2, that holds the foreboding but still shows you that people still lived their lives and had their hopes. I was happy to note that for once the main female character of Ibbotson´s is not a sheer perfection (this girl has actually some issues to go through), though I admit I could still do without the comically evil rival (it would have been so much more interesting if there actually at least appeared a possibility the other girl might succeed). But all in all, especially because of the last third of the book, I thought this was a well-crafted romance with some, perhaps cheesy, but well-used tropes. Just, for the love of god, DO NOT listen to this as an audiobook recorded by Kate Lock, who insisted on using a fake German accent and squeaky voice for the main character, making her sound like a stupid child of 10. (And that is not the only horrible thing she does to the selected characters).

Jane, the Fox & Me

Author: Fanny Britt

First published: 2012

Rating: ★★★★☆

A beautifully executed graphic novel in which the story somewhat fizzles out and feels unfinished, definitely could have been longer and yet I rate it quite high simply because it hit me like a train. I was not a fat kid but all my life I felt I was, even if in my case there was no bullying. I felt this little girl´s pain deeply.

The Witches: Salem, 1692

Author: Stacy Schiff

First published: 2015

Rating: ★★★☆☆

I think Stacy Schiff is an excellent historian and has an extremely readable style of writing. I also think she has done a stupendous job putting this mammoth project together, but I need to agree with those who complain about the density and slowness of the text. It is next to impossible to keep track of the names and the accusations/descriptions of the alleged witchcraft are so similar (or completely the same) that it is very taxing to keep up. I am not sure whether I should be complaining though, because, after all, I DID want a book about these events and I got it. I would recommend an audiobook though, makes it easier to get through.

The Clockmaker's Daughter

Author: Kate Morton

First published: 2018

Rating: ★★★★☆

This is a story of a house and people connected to it in an intriguing web of connections. It spans from the 1860s to the modern day, not always in chronological order, and I must say that Kate Morton managed to jump through the timelines quite effortlessly. There is a great number of characters but I had no problems following who was who, though admittedly some of the timelines were less interesting than the others (notably and predictably for me I enjoyed the modern one the least). I also had trouble when some things, already revealed to the reader, were "revealed" again. The main voice is that of a ghost (trust me, this is not a spoiler), and while I did not mind it, I also believe the book would have been stronger had that been completely committed and we only got to know that particular character from the other stories it touches. Even after all that I have to say I was surprised at how easy this was to read (it IS a chunker) and how much I enjoyed it.

A Face Like Glass

Author: Frances Hardinge

First published: 2012

Rating: ★★★☆☆

I adore the fact that Frances Hardinge does not talk down to children, because this is undeniably a middle-grade book, but does not shy from some pretty heavy stuff. However perhaps I have read too much Frances Hardinge at this point because I tend to really like/be intrigued by the start of her books, her world-building and her unique ideas, but then it all became too much with this one and I was impatient for the story to be over.

Brigid of Kildare

Author: Heather Terrell

First published: 2009

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

I am sad to report that this book was kind of a mess. The historical bits would have been just fine on their own, even if I had wanted a little more depth, many a time I felt like we were merely dipping our toes into the fascinating story of Brigid. But then the author decided to weave in a "mystery" set in modern times and those chapters, apart from being unnecessary to the story, felt just tedious to the point I was considering skipping them altogether. A bummer.

When Women Were Dragons

Author: Kelly Barnhill

First published: 2022

Rating: ★★★☆☆

As long as it was a family tragedy infused with the elusive and unexplained, I was enjoying this book quite a lot. But then, in its second half, it becomes too wordy, too idealistic, too uninteresting.

The Silent Unseen

Author: Amanda McCrina

First published: 2022

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

The good thing: the topic, even if you have read loads of WW2 books, is an unusual one. The bad thing: the story is extremely weak (walking and talking do not an intriguing narrative make), the characters shallow, the motivations extremely basic, the romance needless and not particularly well done. No matter how many betrayals posing as shocking twists you cram into the last third, you cannot make me invested in this.

Charlotte's Web

Author: E.B.White

First published: 1952

Rating: ★★★★☆

As a non-UK and non-US child, I have never read this book when I was its target audience. I picked it up now more for the super cute edition than anything else. And indeed throughout I kept thinking: sure, it´s cute. But is it that great? And then I got kicked in the guts by that friggin ending.

Emily Wilde's Map of the Otherlands

Author: Heather Fawcett

First published: 2024

Rating: ★★★★★

Just as enjoyable and delightful as the first volume! I love the tone, the language, and the romance (I am SHIPPING Emily and Wendell so hard), it can be both touching and humorous at the same time. Cannot wait for the conclusion of this series which so far I find to be one of the most joyous literary events in years.

The Great Mortality: An Intimate History of the Black Death, the Most Devastating Plague of All Time

Author: John Kelly

First published: 2005

Rating: ★★★★☆

The Black Death epidemic of the 14th century remains one of the most gruesomely fascinating events in European history and I dare say this book is a very accessible, informative and well-organized study of it. It is strictly chronological, leading you in the steps of the disease, and adding stories and explanations that make it all less clinical and more humanly tragic. Just perhaps the ending sounds way too much like "but in the end it was a good thing" felt like a very, very weird conclusion.

Psyche and Eros

Author: Luna McNamara

First published: 2023

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

I finished this book out of spite more than anything else. The myth of Psyche and Reos may just be my favourite of all the Greek myths, unfortunately instead of crafting it into something fresh and memorable Luna McNamara tried her hand at mixing every Greek myth you have ever heard of and made Psyche insufferable during the process for good measure. It is not even subtle mixing, instead, she goes full Marvel Universe of Greek gods on you, twisting the story to incredible lengths just to cram more of the mythology into her book. I would also say that the original myth takes quite a beating in this reimagining, being stripped of much that made it so appealing to me as a reader. Sometimes less is more.

A Middle-Earth Traveller: Sketches from Bag End to Mordor

Author: John Howe

First published: 2018

Rating: ★★★★★

Beautifully executed "sketchbook". It would seem that while Alan Lee was more concerned with the Elven stuff, John Howe focused on Dwarves, Orcs and the more gritty parts we saw in the movies. There are, however, also illustrations from the Silmarillion included. I would imagine this is a perfect book to take with you outside, where you can sit under a tree and just leaf through, dreaming of Middle-Earth.

[fountainpenguin]

"See, I am a legend and I always win! The stars in the cosmos, they bow to my whim!" (x)

---

New Dog's Life chapter today! ~ 3rd Life series fan-season

Chapter 24 - “Jolt (Cleo, Scott)”

❤️ Read on AO3

💛 Start from Chapter 1

💚 More Pixels Imperfect fics

---

Martyn buries Cleo alive while talking about pacing structure and roleplay plot points. Also, Mayor Scott gets a reality check about running a utopian server hub that no one ever leaves.

(First 1,000 words under the cut)

---

ZombieCleo - Zombie

Status: Mentally stimulated

Historian, museum curator, and stadium gamemaster

💙  🧡  💚

They're up in the tunnels, lying on their back on exposed tweenstone while the opals glitter in the walls above them. It's dead dark in here. She's got decent night vision and Martyn probably does too. Glowing eyes do help with that. She's got dirt coating most of her body. Martyn's patting more into place and really going off on a long-winded spiel. Yeah, he does that. Cleo rests with one hand on her stomach and lets him talk. Martyn just wants someone to talk to and she just wants to touch the loamy black soil outside the perimeter. They have to do this together or not at all.

"-enough foreshadowing, d'you think?" Martyn makes a vague swirl with his hand. "I mean, when I look at the storyboards, it seems a little bathtub-y, but I wanted to have fun with it. I think I can swing it- It's better to have fun."

"Mmhm," she says. "I mean, if you want to avoid info-dumping, tension's always going to be the best fix. The first thing I think of is just… Adding weapons. Or maybe slide the scene somewhere else, like a cliff. Or maybe you have a build or private room the viewers have never seen inside before, so it feels exciting even if it's full of talking."

"There's a thought!"

"Or- or, here's an idea- Give them a solid reason they can't actually leave. It doesn't even have to be physical restraints, right? Maybe one character has an item the other wants. Maybe it's just information. Or someone's hurt? You have that whole treasure-hunting schtick going on, right? Adding a collectible to the mix could amp the stakes."

"Oh, that's good. I like that… Withholding information is killer, dude."

"Not too much, though."

"No, no! It'll be clear well before the end. Hmm. Maybe it just needs a pacing restructure. A little more to draw things out, yeah? I might slip in an extra scene upfront that doesn't look important at the time, but should really tie things together down the road." He sprinkles dirt around her neck, making some stupid drawn-out show of it just because it gets his wings up, apparently. Cleo sticks out their tongue. He laughs, giving the wings a flap. "Ooh, actually- You know that respawn idea I had last Friday? What are your Week 2 thoughts on that?"

"Kill your darlings. Not the character- I mean the scene. Just opt for a near-death experience instead. I think the punch will hit harder."

"What hits harder than a respawn?"

Cleo shrugs, which waterfalls black dirt down their shoulders and across Martyn's skinned knees. "I mean, delays don't do you any good. You'll have dead space anyway because of all that travel time to get back to the main scene. Remember your Limited Life ending with the lava buckets? Just work around it. Set it up so you can stay around, even if you're injured. Respawns feel like cheating anyway- I mean, they refresh you back to full energy. It's a little cheap."

Martyn exhales. It leaves him like a swirl. "Hmm… Yeah, I can see that."

"Just think about it, at least. You don't have to throw the scene out."

"Yeah, I know. I do see your point. Spawn is so far away." He takes the spilled dirt and pats it into place again, pressing on the wrinkles until the stuff is sealed against her like a freshly frosted chocolate cake. "The thing is, I feel like I'm getting nowhere with the storyboards. I think I need to get into the dialogue. Maybe do some test drafts. A few bullet points, at least. I'll run them by you again next week and we can do a pros and cons list."

"Mmhm!"

That seems to satisfy him. See, Martyn likes to talk through plot points without spilling spoilers to the people he actually roleplays with. And he's always hungry. These are the two most important facts you need to know about Martyn, at least as far as Cleo and the gemstone cave are concerned. See, so long as they only allofeed him snippets at a time, he'll patiently wait until she's run out of souls to share before he finally takes her out. Even when she's well down in the depths of phantom hour, he'll let her push the boundary. Maybe farther than he should. Throw a soul in front of a phantom and you'll really wreck their aggro.

It's a balance of carrots and sticks. It's yin and yang. It's push and pull. Teamwork is essential. She never would've managed to carve out this secret cave without Martyn's wings lifting her past the bullet path moat or into the ceiling tunnel. Scott can poke around all he wants, but unless he thinks to look up, he's never going to find her hideaway.

The thing is, Martyn can whisk his help away any time he likes. At any time. He didn't withdraw when Double Life split them apart, though Cleo firmly told him chatting about Double Life was off the table the first time he opened his mouth. The third time, maybe. Sure, he whined and groveled about roleplay decompression for a bit (for "the" bit?), but she gave him a cornflower from her hair that he can keep in Between to match the one she gave him on the server. That's all the "We're okay; it's just a game" aftercare he really wanted. He eased up.

He never wore it, though, even though it was the start of the 100-day block back then, which is… confusing. She dropped by his and Jimmy's place once for a game night though, and there it was… in a vase. And honestly, it doesn't get any more clear than that: Thanks for the gift! Your friendship's important to me, but I reject your courtship. I'll keep it as a memento to show there's nothing weird between us, but I'm not wearing this. I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

Martyn's full of wrong ideas. He does what he thinks is "funny." That's the polite way to put it. And since hanging out with Martyn in the caves is really just a business transaction, she should probably make an effort to be polite.

"What's so funny?" he asks, looking up from her dirt-covered arm.

"Bad joke."

"Share or it didn't happen."

Cleo blinks up, his form in shadow apart from the lapis-like glow of his eyes. "I gave you a flower a while back. During Double Life."

"Yeah?"

"You never wore it, but I saw it in your room. Just thought it was funny to interpret that as you saying 'I don't want Cleo to get the wrong idea' when you're full of wrong-"

"Whoa, whoa," he says, throwing his hands in the air. Cleo snorts and Martyn tsk-tsks, thwacking his tail against the dirt. "And this when I'm putting dirt on you."

"I do appreciate that, yeah."

He slaps the next clump down hard. Cleo jolts, but the glitter in his eyes tells them straight away that he's not really mad. "I can't believe that's what you think of me even in your private thoughts. And after all this time!"

"I'm petty, rude, and I commit to the bit. I'm not sure why you're surprised."

"I'm not."

[Full chapter on AO3 - Link at top]

[saapasjalkakissa-tg]

SWJS is underwhelming

I’m from/have a gamer family. Here’s a side effect of waiting this game to be fixed. I'm amongst those who reported the Caij bug first, so my frustration is growing for a while now.

Waiting made me playing it over and over again with a rapidly decreasing level of hope. 233 hrs now. And that almost completely killed it for me.

My conditioned reflex of Pavlov kicked in. I thought it's SW, then it gonna be awesome and I hit the pre-order button so fast my credit card was smoking!

Well, no. It's not awesome. In this 233 hrs the game conviced me that I should not "take seriously" the majority of its characters and its story, and never pre-order an EA game ever again.

The story is always superior to the setting and if you have one of the most monumental and creative settings - the Star Wars universe - you cannot get away with lazy writing, ludicrous story and characters, plot armours, plotholes and logic somersaults. Well, obviously you can.

The SWJS has nigh everything in it that we expect from a SW game - I love the setting! But what is the story?

Our heros trying to get to a place that they only know from 200 yo echoes and from a memory of a very boring madman, who's last vision was that this place is under attack by the great villains of his age.

They know nothing about it, but they immediately want to move there. If I wouldn't know why Bode said what he said about scouting it first, I'd say, it was the first sane thought about it. It could be a radioactive wasteland or already populated or anything. No, they're packing and moving right now. This per se made me question the necessity of lowering the main characters' IQ levels.

Greez says "...two hundred year-old tech..." - yeah, the compasses they wanted to use also were the same age, but who cares, right? It's SW, everything is compatible with everything.

I was sooo eager to see this fallen jedi, what we got: "Tanalorr is mine" and that's it. I expected him to be more complex and unpredictable, having a much better narrative after all the hype. He was a good laughing material though, I loved how he fixed his hair in a split second midfight. "The order will rue the day..." than why do you wear their uniform? Rayvis got it from a museum or something? All the fan theories went right out the window.

Rayvis: I like him. He's my nemesis, after Rick and the rancors.

Cal and Merrin: I really wanted them to be toghether, but not this way. This is plain stupid and feel forced fanservice. It sould have happened in the end.

Take Kata. She is over the loss of her father in 15 seconds.

Cordova: he's not just a historian, an engineer too and he can fix a one-of-a-kind object that's... oh yeah, 200 yo.

Long ago this galaxy far-far away did not have to deal with over- and underrepresentativeness of members of our society either. But I still don't see eg. any navajos or inuits. I don't spend my free time with gaming just to face present-day political bias, equality problems and "wokeness".

So, is it unworthy of someone who put hundreds of hours into this game talk about it like this? You know what's unworthy? Selling a mediocre game's beta version for a free test group for 70 EUR, milking us soo badly that Luke Skywalker himself couldn't do it better in the porgatory.I still love it, but I'm very disappointed. Maybe it's Stockholm-syndrome. May Caij's grace be with you!

[spaceecoffe]

The Owl House x Slavic Mythology, Part 2 (this one will be longer)

Okay, so in this post I will tell you about few things. First of all you need to know something: slavic mythology is hard to uncover. It is not so easy to find true informations about this like about Greek, Roman or Norse mythology. A lot of Slavic beliefs were twisted by christian propaganda (like in last post I told you about Domovoy bringing good luck to you house -> with a time christians started to tell a story about mean house demon Domovoy and that all the good things he did were actually done by Angels, ugh). It is also twisted by patriarchy that with time didn't want people to believe in some powerful female demons or goddesses.

Slavic mythology for sure was kinda like Boiling Isles: most of demons and nature wants to kill you in some strange ways, but there were also some good demons, good characters and good gods/goddesses. And when you search for some informations you need to remember this. I'm writing it here because one of characters in this post suffers from her story being twisted by christians and men. And you can also see influence of patriarchy in first part.

But lets start the main stuff:

1. Witches and Wizards

Oh, yes, first thing you can think of is a second episode of first season "Witches before Wizards" AND I LOVE IT. Why? Because it destroys traditional look on the witches and wizards, of course! But from the beginning.

In slavic beliefs witches were women who signed a pact with the devil and gained from it magic powers. They used it to turn other people lives into hell by hexes and all that stuff. It was hard to recognise them, but people say that normally woman drinks a glass of vodka (or apple blood!) on three times while witches do it in one sip! Also, if you look deep in their eyes you will see head of a goat. But it could be any women in yours surrounding: single one, old one, married, young... You couldn't trust any woman!

And that is the misogynistic view on witches. The truth is that witches were a wise women who helped other. They often were herbalists and healers in their villages. But people didn't understand how they did their "elixirs", they only knew they worked, so the ones that were jealous about their knowledge create this story about "terrible and scary witches".

At the same time there were Wizards. They were the ones that people looked up to. And it's all because Wizards used their magic for a science and not hexing people! Like, you know... The only thing women can do is to be mean to other people and only think about how to make others lives worse, while man think about more important stuff. But, fortunately, wizards had also some bad traits, like being too ambitious.

So when Luz goes to Boiling Isles it appears that it is full of witches. Not only women witches, but also men. And this is kind of amazing because we finally abandon this archetype of only women being witches. At the same time (in second episode) we can hear King saying:

"Wizards are only old people with glitter in their pockets"

Oh, how I love this! Why? Because there always been a discourse in the topic of magic. When magic was used from science (by wizards or by alchemists) it was good, but when it was coming from nature (used by witches or folks) it was satanic and scary. But here? Here everything is opposite. We know now, thanks to Lilith, that magic in Boiling Isles is highly bonded to the nature and it is used from it. That's why everyone there is called witch, regardless of gender.

Why it is so important for me that witches are cool on Boiling Isles and wizards are only having glitter in their pockets? It's because at the same time that witches were burned on piles in Poland (1600s), you could go on Cracovian Academy (now Jagiellonian University) and get education in being Wizard or Alchemist.

So yeah, this episode just destroyed the archetype of good and wise wizards against bad and wild witches which should happen more often. But until Tolkien's books will still be "best fantasy" I doubt we will se more of breaking this stupid rule (and also sexism in fantasy).

Also, fun fact, in this episode we see Radegast in clothes with stars:

and also we hear that he was "looking at the stars" when Luz came. I know that wizards are usually depicted with some star-theme, but he really reminds me of the legend of Pan Twardowski, the most powerful wizard in Polish (some says he was a German actually) history. He signed the pact with the Devil to gain his power but run away from him to the other side of the moon, were some says, he still lives. He also probably was a real person (Jan Twardowski) who worked on Zygmunt August's court as magician and astrologist, sometime between 1530 - 1570, while as I said, witches were burned on piles.

But let's move to the second thing!

2. Eda, The Baba Yaga

Oh, yes! You've seen this coming. And also it was greatly showed in this amazing post, which you have to read! But I will put in my tuppence here.

First of all, who was Baba Yaga? You heard about her for sure, but probably all of this were lies. Surly, she was the most powerful known witch. She could do almost anything with her magic and she also could brew any potion. As you probably know she lived in the house on chicken legs deep in the forest.

As for her look she was small, old with a big nose and a lot of wrinkles:

She doesn't look nice, does she? Isn't that strange that the most powerful witch in our beliefs has to be so "ugly" (ugh, I hate this word but I have to use it here I think)? The truth is that probably she never looked like this. Historians thinks that at the beginning she was one of the most important goddesses in Slavic Mythology. She was in control of life and death, she was the personification of nature and its power. Some people also believe that she was the one responsible for children initiation to adult life. One of the historians, Zygmunt Krzak, said:

"This is about the reviled figure of the ancient goddess, a characterisation created by religious and secular male elites fighting against matriarchal religion."

So now we can see how Eda works as alternative Baba Yaga from Boiling Isles.

First of all, she IS the most powerful witch on the Boiling Isles. She lives deep in the forest and she is great at brewing potions. Everyone is scared of her but at the same time, if someone is in trouble, she will totally help. Also, in episode one of season two we can see how she actually care about animals (and probably all nature).

But, most importantly, she is against Emperor's rules. As I said in subsection 1, being a witch is all about taking your power from nature. And actually what Emperor is doing is fighting with this, just like christianity when it started to appear on slavic lands. Emperor forbids to use wild magic, he tries to cut witches away from nature. He makes them join covens that can control their magic so they are becoming more and more distant from the natural magic. And Eda is this one person on whole Boiling Isles that is against it and that's why Emperor's Coven tries to change her image so people would think of her as a scary and wild witch which should meet her punishment for being that close to nature.

Another thing that reminds me of Baba Yaga is, of course, how she took care of Luz and helped her to became the witch. This is how initiation of children looks like. Yes, Eda did this in her own way but if not for her, Luz would never went do Hexside and problady wouldn't ever found out about glyphs. So yes, Eda was that one witch who helped Luz, the child (or "her kid") to become real witch, and that is probably what real Baba Yaga was doing.

Also...

Yes, I don't have to comment that, you know what I'm showing to you. But I just want to remind you that Kikimores hate chicken so it naturally goes that Kikimora is on the opposite side to Eda, The Baba Yaga.

The last thing I want to add is that Belos clearly do the same thing to witches on Boiling Isles that christians did to slavic folks (and yes, a lot more cultures in the world but here I'm focusing on Slavs). That is why I am almost sure that he is a human, probably Philippe, because this is just what people of middle and west Europe always did to different cultures -> "Veni, Vidi, Vici" as Julius Cesar said.

Part 1

[slashingdisneypasta]

Slashers / Horror Villains as: Animated (Children’s) Movie Villain Songs

+ A Nightmare Before Christmas 

First of all, its mostly Disney. Second of all, I hope you know that this was a struggle for me. 

Also, note, Bubba will be the only Leatherface in this post and Billy and Stu will be the only Ghostfaces. There is Norma Bates though, so sort of a consolation. 

There are links to videos on YouTube ^^

~~~

Billy Loomis and Stu Macher / Ghostface: Playing With the Big Boy’s Now (Hotep and Huy, Prince of Egypt) 

Well... they’re part of the ‘big boys’, now! They are part of the Slashers group that, uh, ‘inspired them’. Imagine instead of Egyptian Gods, they’re chanting Slasher names. 

[HUY] Pick up your silly twig, boy [HOTEP & HUY] You're playing with the big boys now! Ha ha ha ha!

[EGYPTIAN PRIESTS] By the power of Ra Mut, Nut, Khnum, Ptah Sobek, Sekhmet, Sokar, Selket Anubis, Anukis Hemsut, Tefnut, Meshkent, Mafdet... 

Chop Top and Nubbins + Bubba Sawyer / Leatherface: Kidnap Mr Sandy Claws (Lock, Shock and Barrel, Nightmare Before Christmas) 

I mean... they aren't Drayton’s minions, but they are like this XD 

I say that we take a cannon, aim it at his door And then knock three times And when he answers Sandy Claws will be no more

Yes you're so stupid, think now If we blow him up to smithereens We may lose some pieces And then Jack will beat us black and green

Kidnap the Sandy Claws Tie him in a bag

Chucky / Charles Lee Ray: In The Dark Of The Night (Rasputin, Anastasia)

Mystical man? Check! ‘Betrayal’ (As far as he sees it)? Check. Made them pay? Check; I think Nica, Sarah and all the other families he destroys throughout the franchise can attest to that. And ‘One little girl got away’? Well Andy isn’t a girl, but yeah. Check. 

I was once the most mystical man in all Russia When the royals betrayed me they mad a mistake My curse made each of them pay But one little girl got away Little Anya, beware Rasputin's awake

Drayton Sawyer: Don’t Fall In Love (Forte, Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas) 

Its such a crochety, unessessarily rude way of describing relationships to someone! I mean, I understand completely and resonate deeply with the desire to be alone and not be responsible for anyone else, but- come on! Beast doesn't share your view! Let it go! 

Its just like Drayton’s reaction to Bubba having a crush. Super cool video too! 

As soon as your heart rules your head Your life is not your own It's hell when someone's always there It's bliss to be alone

And love of any kind is bad A dog, a child, a cat They take up so much precious time Now, where's the sense in that?

Freddy Krueger: No More Mr Nice Guy (Rothbart, Swan Princess) 

A man with an uncomfortable relationship with the main female character pretending to be normal and not homicidal for a while before unlocking more power and letting there inner bad guy loose and taking great pleasure in it? Sounds familiar. They also have a similar vocabulary- except of course Rothbart is rated G. 

I'll become that nasty, naughty, dirty, spiteful Wicked, wayward, way-delightful Bad guy I was born to be

Lyin' loathesome, never-tender Indiscreet repeat offender No more Mr Nice Guy That's not me 

Inkubus: The World’s Greatest Criminal Mind (Professor Rattigan, The Greatest Mouse Detective)

‘Inkubus’ is literally a movie about him listing all his crimes over the centuries and messing with the police force because he has a bone to pick with a detective. Sounds pretty similar to me! Listen to the song! ^^

Now comes the real tour de force Tricky and wicked, of course! My earlier crimes were fine for their times But now that I'm at it again An even grimmer plot has been simmering In my great criminal brain! 

Jason Voorhees: Despicable Me (About Gru, Despicable Me) 

I... this is all I could think of!! But the more I listen to it and read the lyrics... it f i t s Jason so well! XD Please just let this slide; I know Gru isn't really a villain but he is at the start!! Let me have this. 

Why ask why? Better yet "Why not?" Why are you marking x on that spot? Why use a blow torch isn't that hot? Why use a chainsaw? Is that all you got? Why do you like seeing people in shock? But my question to you is "Why not?" Why go to the bank and stand in line Just use a freeze gun it saves me time. I'm havin' a bad, bad day It's about time that I get my way Steam rollin' whatever I see, Huh, despicable me I'm havin' a bad, bad day If you take it personal that's okay Watch, this is so fun to see Huh, despicable me

Jennifer Check: Trust In Me (Kaa, The Jungle Book) 

She’s a succubus demon. Tempting boys into a safe-feeling, docile state so she she can strike is her thing. 

Will cease to resist Just relax Be at rest Like a bird In a nest

Trust in me Just in me Shut your eyes And trust in me

Mayor Buckman and Granny Boone: Savages (Governor Ratcliffe and the Colonizer’s parts, Pocahontas) 

Obviously, because of the (Inaccurate) historical relevance of both movies (Different time’s, same terrible prejudice,) and also because there is definitely a very cult-ish feel about both Governor Ratcliffe’s song and Buckman’s leadership. How easily they’re able to gather support from their people for the most horrible reasons. How horrifying it is to audiences and historians. 

They're only good when dead They're vermin, as I said And worse

They're savages! Savages!

Barely even human

Savages! Savages!

Drive them from our shore! They're not like you and me Which means they must be evil We must sound the drums of war!

Michael Myers: The Gospel Truth II (Muses about Hades, Hercules)

In a Disney movie, Michael would have others sing his song about him as he goes about his silent, determined walking XD 

If there's one God you don't want to get steamed up It's Hades 'Cause he had an evil plan He ran the underworld But thought the dead were dull and uncouth He was as mean as he was ruthless And that's the gospel truth He had a plan to shake things up And that's the gospel truth

Midnight Man: Oogie Boogie’s Song (Oogie Boogie, Nightmare Before Christmas)

A song about a “Gamblin’ Boogie Man” is perfect for the Midnight Man! He and Oogie could be pals. 

Woah! The sound of rollin' dice To me is music in the air 'Cause I'm a gamblin' Boogie Man Although I don't play fair It's much more fun, I must confess When lives are on the line Not mine, of course, but yours, old boy Now that'd be just fine

Norma Bates: Mother Knows Best Reprise (Mother Gothel, Tangled)

Norma is soooooo so so so unbelievably manipulative towards Norman (And Dylan. It just works better on Norman) and this song absolutely presents that. She can go from sweet, loving mother to spiteful, heinous bitch in two seconds if Norman or Dylan don't do what or react the way she wants them to. 

Likes you? Please, Rapunzel, that's demented

This is why you never should have left! Dear, this whole romance that you've invented, Just proves you're too naive to be here Why would he like you? Come on now, really! Look at you, you think that he's impressed? Don't be a dummy Come with mummy

Pamela Voorhees: My Lullaby (Zira, The Lion King 2)

In a opposite approach to a villainous mother to Norma, we have Pam, who was heartbroken by the camp councillors letting her son die and vowed to get revenge. She didn't know she was teaching Jason to be the Crystal Lake killer like Zira did, but she did, and the whole song does have her kind of feel to it also. 

Sleep, my little Kovu Let your dreams take wing One day when you're big and strong You will be a kingI've been exiled, persecuted Left alone with no defense When I think of what that brute did I get a little tense But I dream a dream so pretty That I don't feel so depressed 'Cause it soothes my inner kitty And it helps me get some rest

Patrick Bateman: Cruella De Vil (Arthur, 101 Dalmations) 

Never before was there a song that described audiences reaction to watching Patrick living in his daily life and hearing his thoughts better then this one. 

Cruella De Vil Cruella De Vil If she doesn't scare you No evil thing will To see her is to Take a sudden chill Cruella, Cruella De Vil

The curl of her lips The ice in her stare All innocent children Had better beware She's like a spider waiting For the kill Look out for Cruella De Vil

Pennywise (Both): You’re Only Second Rate (Jafar, Return of Jafar)

Mostly for the video and Jafar’s energy in this scene actually XD So many transformations, so many tasteless puns! I was going to give this to Freddy but its the closest thing to Penny I could think of. 

Go ahead and zap me with the big surprise Snap me in a trap, cut me down to size I'll make a great escape It's just a piece of cake You're only second rate You know your hocus-pocus isn't tough enough And your mumbo-jumbo doesn't measure up Let me pontificate upon your sorry state You're only second rate

Sheriff Hoyt / Charlie Hewitt: Hellfire (Judge Claude Frollo, Hunchback of Notre Dame) 

A nasty filthy man who think’s he’s in the right despite being the biggest creep and monster ever? Mhm. 

*Note: I honestly didn't notice the deformed baby, Quasimodo/Thomas link until the day after I wrote this. Don't know how I feel about it. I mean, Hoyt is actually nice, in his way, to Thomas so the connection isn't totally there but onwards:

Beata Maria You know I am a righteous man Of my virtue I am justly proud

Beata Maria You know I'm so much purer than The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd 

End of Post! 🌼

(Bonus’ under the cut) 

I did think of other connections which I obviously didnt landed on but still have merit! Here! 

Billy Loomis and Stu Macher: ‘Gaston’ was considered, but that would have just been a joke XD I don’t think Stu is quite as obsessed with Billy as LeFou is with Gaston. 

Chucky: Friends on the Other Side. Obviously! That link was actually what inspired me to make this post. In The Dark of Night fits to a T though. 

Freddy Krueger: You’re Only Second Rate! Ah, its perfectttt. But No More Mr Nice Guy fits better. If I ever do a Slashers as Disney Villains post, he’ll be Jafar for sure. Or Hades. Or Scar. Or Oogie. Probably Hades. You know what? Without the gore and blood and explicit sexual references, Freddy could be a Disney Villain himself. Its not like Disney hasn't towed the line before with perverted villains. >_> (Jafar and Frollo) 

Jason and Pamela Voorhees: Mother Knows Best! Of course. 

Jennifer Check: Love is For Peasants (Barbie Island Princess) Because Jennifer thinks like this: 

Men? <<< Literally anything else. 

Patrick Bateman: How Can I Refuse? (From Barbie Princess and the Pauper) XD If Patrick were a kids movie villain, he would totally join the ranks of corrupted usurpers pretending to be trustworthy royal advisory staff. Also ‘Let It Die’, that little interruption part of another song that O’Hare sings in the Lorax and ‘How Bad Can I be?’. 

[gukyi]

21st century love | jjk

summary: you and fellow film student jeon jungkook have been clashing heads all semester in your realistic fiction and 21st century film class, because jungkook thinks that rom-coms are meant to express the beauty of love, and you think that they’re ploys by hollywood to tell people that they can achieve love by engaging in consumerism. but when you’re assigned to create your own stereotypical romantic comedy short film, jungkook takes it upon himself to show you just how attainable love can really be. 

{enemies to lovers!au, college!au}

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader genre: fluff word count: 1k warnings: none a/n: thank you to @ggukcangetit​ for commissioning me for this piece!! this is from my fic titles ask game, and honestly if i had the time i would 100% turn this into a full fic. who knows, maybe one day i will!!!

You love your Realistic Fiction and 21st Century Film professor as much as the next student, but she is an evil person. An evil person who paired you up with none other than Jeon Jungkook for the final project—a project worth fifty (fifty!) percent of your grade—on purpose. What on earth was she thinking? Did she think it would be fun for you? Did she think it would be a learning experience? Or maybe she just enjoys watching her students crash and burn, watch them slowly lose their minds as they are forced to endure modern-day hell: a group project.

The fact of the matter is, out of all of the students in your sixty-person lecture, Jeon Jungkook is the last person you’d want to be paired up for this project. You’d even be more willing to work with the sleazy kid in the back who comes to every class hungover as hell and sleeps through the entire ninety-minute period. At least you would find out good places to get drunk. 

You don’t even give Jeon Jungkook the satisfaction of entering his contact into your phone—leaving it as a random number because you already see his stupid name as a comment on all of your discussion board posts anyway. As if raising his hand to rebuke you in class on a daily basis isn’t enough. 

You didn’t take Realistic Fiction and 21st Century Film just so you could sit around watching 500 Days of Summer and She’s the Man all day long. You took it because 21st century film, at least in your eyes, has become so manufactured, so cookie cutter, the same plotline and carbon copy characters, and you were curious to see if any historians and movie buffs had the same jaded outlook as you. But it seems that you sit on one end of the spectrum, and Jeon Jungkook, hopeless romantic and grossly optimistic, sits on the other. 

The safest place for the two of you to meet is a group study room on the second floor of the main library on campus, one where you can lock the door so no eavesdropping ears can hear you, and one where you have a strict time limit of an hour and thirty minutes before another person comes along to kick you out. 

You and Jeon Jungkook reach the room at the same time, coming from opposite entrances so you can glare at each other with every step you take. 

“So nice to see you,” Jungkook says, too cheerful, as you reach out to open the door. 

“Mmm,” you mumble in response as you enter the group study room, flinging your backpack onto the floor by your chair with a thud as you take a seat. 

Jungkook, not at all outwardly discouraged by your clear disdain for him, rallies on. “So, what were you thinking for the project? Oh, wait, let me guess: a social commentary on the consumerist ideals that underline every modern movie and encourage the pursuit of an empty dream by abandoning concrete career and personal goals in favor of romantic fulfillment.”

You frown at him, even though that’s exactly what you were thinking of doing. 

“You know that romantic comedies are supposed to be fun, right?” Jungkook says with a raise of his eyebrows. 

“They’re not that fun to me,” you comment snidely. 

“That’s because you’re a stick in the mud who takes everything way too seriously,” Jungkook replies. “Have you ever even been in a relationship?”

“That’s none of your business,” you tell him firmly. “Besides, you asking that is exactly my point. Not everything has to be about finding love and searching for your soulmate or whatever bullshit like that. Some people don’t really care that much.”

“You don’t have to abandon all of your life goals just to find love, you know,” Jungkook says pointedly. “It doesn’t have to be the most important thing in your life for you to even care about it a little.”

“Romantic comedies are propaganda made by modern Hollywood to turn relationships into manufactured goods made specifically for our mass consumption,” you say with a scowl. “They have nothing to do with what love really is.”

“Well,” Jungkook says with his arms crossed over his chest, “then what do you think love really is?”

You frown at him. “Does it matter?”

“Yes,” Jungkook says like it’s obvious. “This project is about filming a short romantic comedy, about people falling in love with each other. How do you expect me to do that if we don’t reach a mutual agreement on what love is?”

You scoff. “There is no way in hell I am going to agree with you on anything concerning love.” Jeon Jungkook flutters from one person to the next like a butterfly desperate for a lasting relationship full of commitment and love. Every week he’s dating somebody new. And yet, still, he keeps looking. Pretty soon he’ll run out of people on campus to talk to. He is the last person you would ever take relationship advice from. 

“Then what are we supposed to do, huh?” He says with an eyebrow raised. “We have a month to make a movie that’s fifty percent of our grade.”

“The social commentary is still on the table,” you point out. Sure, it’s not at all a romantic comedy, but it’s about them, which is good enough in your book. Besides, your professor has been teaching you the entire semester, hasn’t she? She should know by now not to expect some cushy lovey-dovey story about two people who were destined to be with each other and can overcome all obstacles with their love. 

What on earth she was thinking when she paired you up with Jungkook, you suppose you’ll never know. 

“You’re such a Negative Nancy,” Jungkook comments with a roll of his eyes. “All you ever do is talk about how consumerism strips away our personalities and how manufactured Hollywood movies are and how people are just cogs in the wheel of capitalism. You don’t even stop to look around at all the positives of our society. Like true love, like the joy that people bring each other. You’re just filled with gloom and doom.”

“Then what are you going to do about it?” You challenge. Sure, Jungkook hit the nail on the head, but that doesn’t mean that he’s any better. Disillusioned people are dangerous. They dream about things instead of doing them. They block out all of the problems with the world in favor of an impossible utopian society where you want for nothing. 

You remember high school literature. The realists and the romanticists never got along. 

It doesn’t seem that much has changed. 

“Just you wait,” Jungkook says, wringing his hands together before he turns on you, staring you down with a mischievous glint in his eye. “Let’s do something like Love, Actually. A bunch of different love stories weaved together, except less depressing and sexist.” Your brows are furrowed in worry at the look of determination on his face. “And you’re going to see how beautiful love really is. How happy it makes people feel.”

You scoff in disbelief. Your professor has been trying to convince you of the beauty of love ever since you went to her first office hours at the beginning of the semester. What makes Jungkook so sure he can do this in the month you have left?

“Yeah, and how do you plan on doing that?” You prompt him. 

Jungkook grins. “One of those love stories will be ours.”

↳ links are broken, but don’t forget i’m still taking commissions!

[mst3kproject]

Invasion of the Star Creatures

I promised you guys something truly awful this week, didn’t I?  Well, how about a space invasion ‘comedy’ (big emphasis on the air quotes there) produced by Samuel Zarkoff to be a double-bill with The Brain that Wouldn’t Die?  The closest thing it has to a star is Frankie Ray, whom MSTies might know as the writer of Laserblast.  He also wrote Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, which I really, really need to see one of these days.  Film Historian Bill Warren described Invasion of the Star Creatures as ‘so helplessly bad it’s almost unwatchable’.  Let’s find out if he was right.

Fort Nicholson is the world’s center for atomic research, despite apparently being staffed entirely by idiots.  The two biggest idiots are, unfortunately, our main characters.  Their names are Philbrick and Penn.  No, I don’t know which is which.  No, I don’t care.  I’m gonna call them Rick and Rick With The Squeaky Voice.  The first ‘comedic’ sequence involves Rick With The Squeaky Voice sitting in a barrel pretending he’s going to space, and getting his ass set on fire.

That sets the tone for the whole movie quite nicely. It’s stupid and it’s not funny, and it never gets any better.  In fact, as we shall see, it gets significantly worse.

For some reason, Rick and Rick With The Squeaky Voice are assigned to a mission to explore a cave recently exposed by a nuclear test.  This turns out to be the base for two seven-foot space women, Tanga and Pona, and their tuberous minions, the Vege-Men, and the entire party is soon in their clutches.  The aliens say that they have come to save humanity from destroying ourselves through nuclear war, but naturally the army isn’t into that.  Rick With The Squeaky Voice discovers that kissing the women puts them into a daze, allowing the two idiots to escape, but of course nobody back at Fort Nicholson believes their story.  Is it really up to these two to stop Tanga and Pona from heading back to their home planet with their report?  We’re doomed.

I don’t remember which review it was, but I once invited you to imagine a movie in which every character is Dropo or Watney Smith.  This is that movie.  This is proud of being that movie.  The aliens try to read the two Ricks’ minds and one is completely empty while the other is full of superhero fantasies.  Pona calls what she sees ‘completely illogical and infantile’, which is a fair description of the whole movie.

There’s a sequence where one of the army men shoots a rattlesnake that was about to bite one of the Ricks, and then cries because ‘he might have had a family’.  They try to lampoon the thing in old movies where the characters walk through the same set from different angles by doing it without cutting away or changing the camera angle, but it just looks dumb.  The Colonel gives a long-winded speech about the merits of getting straight to the point.  A forced march stops for a lovely picnic and wine tasting.  A guy gets his ass kicked by a Vege-Man and declares, “that’s the first time a salad ever tossed me.”  There’s a running ‘gag’ about fans of ‘Space Commander Connors’ recognizing each other’s secret decoder rings and immediately going into a full-on geek-out.

None of this is funny, much of it is downright embarrassing, and the worst part is that the writers have no idea how to include their attempts at comedy in the story.  Rather than the hijinks advancing the plot, every time something that’s supposed to be funny happens, the whole thing comes to a dead halt.  This gives the impression that the movie is stumbling around in the dark with no idea where it’s going.  It finally seems to settle on a plot when we find out that the spaceship is about to leave and must be stopped.  After some bullshit the Ricks convince the Colonel (and only the Colonel) to help them take on the aliens.  At this point I was thinking that this movie was pretty terrible but it hadn’t actually pushed me to the point of being tempted to turn it off…

And then it got racist.

The last ten minutes or so of Invasion of the Star Creatures are a downward spiral in which it seems like they gave up trying to be funny in favour of being actively offensive. First, they encounter what’s supposed to be a group of Native Americans on horseback.  Rick With The Squeaky Voice tries to get their attention by saying “hey, Kemosabe, I wanna buy some blankets!”  The Natives don’t speak much English but they do a lot of grunting, and threaten to kill the Colonel because they think he’s General Custer (?!).  Then they kidnap everybody and force them to smoke the peace pipe and drink firewater and the white guys only escape once the Natives have passed out.

Holy shit.  Not only is this repulsive, it is, as previously noted, irrelevant.  It has no effect on the plot other than to waste time.  The Natives do not help them defeat the aliens and neither does the Colonel, who is also in a drunken stupor.  And then, just when we think this can’t possibly get any worse, the defeated alien women declare that they must throw themselves on the mercy of the Earth Men.  This turns out to mean marrying them, and the dialogue specifically likens marriage to slavery, which Tanga and Pona seem to consider a point in its favour!  The end of this movie left my head spinning.  It’s like I watched a guy get ‘comedically’ knocked over by a punching bag for forty-five minutes and then he suddenly turned around and punched me in the face.

(Hey, I just realized… remember how I said the cave was exposed by a nuclear test?  The dialogue emphasizes how this whole area is irradiated and dangerous – and then totally forgets about it.  It’s never mentioned again and the characters take off their protective gear and never put it back on.  So… that was useless, too.)

There is stuff in this movie that could have been funny.  The secret decoder ring stuff almost got a smile out of me once or twice, because the characters seemed so earnest in their love for ‘Space Commander Connors’ and his lore.  The ‘Vege-Men’ also had potential.  We get to see a greenhouse room where they’re grown to be the women’s slaves, and the seedlings are hands or feet sticking out of flowerpots with a few leaves around them.  This is fairly amusing and I could see it being the juvenile form of a sentient plant on Star Trek TOS.  Adult Vege-Men are actors in stupid carrot costumes that they obviously can’t see out of very well, which should have been funny just because it’s so terrible, but Invasion of the Star Creatures is so bad you can’t even laugh at it ironically.

The idea of using a bumbling idiot as your main character, let alone two bumbling idiots, frankly baffles me.  Rick and Rick With The Squeaky Voice are supposed to be the guys we, the audience, identify with.  We’re supposed to like and root for them and to perhaps be able to imagine ourselves in their places, but the only thing I feel for them is contempt.  Why would anyone want to see themselves in these guys?  Perhaps it’s an attempt to say that anybody can be a hero, but the two Ricks don’t even qualify as that.  When they save the world, it’s basically by accident.  The ending, which rewards them with promotions, medals, and beautiful wives from outer space, actively makes me angry because they didn’t earn any of that!

Invasion of the Star Creatures works very hard at being pointless, and there’s very little in it that comes anywhere near a theme.  If any such thing exists, its in Tanga and Pona’s insistence that they’re here to save humanity whether we like it or not, and how the humans react to that idea.  The women say it would be a shame to see a young civilization destroy itself because nations were too stupid to work together.  Rick and Rick With The Squeaky Voice reject this entirely, which is supposed to be a joke: these guys are in the army, so if humanity transcends the need for conflict they’d be out of a job.  The rest of the plot then seems at pain to emphasize that humans cannot work together, and do not want to.

After all, the two Ricks’ attempts to summon help come to nothing.  The Native Americans never understand that these men want assistance, and the Colonel thinks it’s all a Space Commander Connors game before sliding under the metaphorical table, having never done anything useful.  The Ricks themselves spent most of their time arguing and complaining and in the end succeed only through good luck on their part and poor timing on that of the invaders.  Usually a story that begins with ‘aliens want to save primitive humans from ourselves’ would end with ‘the aliens were wrong about us’.  Invasion of the Star Creatures seems to want to say the aliens were right the whole time!

So there you have it – Invasion of the Star Creatures.  It started off kinda bad and not funny, then swirled down the cinematic toilet into outright offensive, racist, sexist drivel.  I’m trying to think of some small thing I can say about it that’s nice, but I’m having a very hard time.  I guess I kinda liked the rumbly noises that represent the alien language – that was more fun than just having the actresses spout random gobbledygook.  Other than that, I’m at a loss.  The actors suck, the sets suck, the effects suck, the costumes suck, and everybody involved was a bigoted dickweed.  Fuck this movie.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Hello! I'm pretty sure I saw you mention a while ago that you were disappointed by confessions of the fox, would you mind explaining why? I've seen mostly good things about it myself. If I misremembered then I'm sorry and I hope you have a good day :))

I think this is one of my less popular opinions. And I understand - we so rarely get historical fiction with trans folk as the titular character (indeed, we rarely get any fiction what that). So I get people’s desire to laud it. 

For me though? It fundamentally didn’t work as a book. As a story.  

Let me count the ways. (Apologies in advance for the length of this.)

First: If you’re trans-ing someone who was historically cis instead of seeking to find a real, historical trans or gender-nonconforming person, I have questions. 

Most of the questions can be summed up as: Why? 

I struggle with historical fiction that takes a cis person and re-imagines them as trans as if there aren’t already literal historical, real trans people out there whose stories can be told. It smacks as (unintended, well meaning) erasure of lived experiences. 

Jack Sheppard, to the best of our knowledge, was a cis dude. There were trans folk in London in the 1710s and ‘20s. You might have to dig a bit for them, but they’re there. Because trans folk have always been there. 

Second: Characterisation 

This is more personal taste, but I found Jack and his girlfriend Bess to be inexcusably boring. How a trans, thief and gaolbreaker in 1720s gin-soaked London can be written as boring is anyone’s guess. But he was. 

Jack had no real personality and I found his story to be uninteresting. Oh, he’s the world’s best thief and gaolbreaker, that’s nice. But on its own it isn’t enough.

He had few to no faults. Childhood trauma isn’t a personality. Nor is being trans. And the author relies heavily on gender + occupation (thief-ness) to equal personality. So it falls very flat.  

Bess, his girlfriend, is a mixed-race sex worker from the Fens (even though actual real-Bess was from Edgeware). She seems to only exist to demonstrate that Jack is good at sex. She also veers a little into the Mystical Woman of Colour Healer Who Aids The White Person on their Journey of Self Discovery trope. 

Neither Bess nor Jack undergo any real change in the book. They exist in a weird stasis and experience no development, despite living through some harrowing things. They’re wooden dolls who move through the story without really engaging with, or being influenced by, the things around them. 

The other “main” character is a modern Academic who “found” this supposed “manuscript” of Jack’s life and is annotating it. His story unfolds in the foot notes and it’s just so messy if not a bit contrived. It didn’t make sense. I think the author was trying to convey that the Academic was in a sort of dystopian future, but if that’s the case it didn’t work. And if that’s not the case, the entire inclusion of the Academic’s story served only to annoy and take me out of the reading experience. 

E.g. There’s a scene where the Academic is being taken to task by the Dean for playing stupid games on his phone during office hours and like honey, lapsed-historian/academic here, trust me the Dean doesn’t give a fuck what you do during your office hours so long as you’re in your office and students can come bother you about their poor marks. 

The manuscript is supposedly being sought after by this pharmaceutical company for nefarious reasons that never struck me as being entirely realistic/believable. Also, the university was spying on this non-tenured, slightly useless Academic as if he somehow mattered? Which made zero sense. Anyway, it was stupid and should have been ripped out of the final version. OR changed substantially. 

Jonathan Wild, the thief taker (main antagonist to Jack), is probably the only interesting person. 

Third: Lack of Follow Through, or, the Fabulism Was Not Used Well 

The book tries to blend in some fabulism to the world by giving Jack the ability to “hear” the thoughts of inanimate objects. This could have been fun and gone to some interesting places, but it failed to deliver. 

I personally found the shoe-horning in of “capitalism commodifies everything” to be sloppy and heavy handed. It was done with little grace and didn’t sit right given that we are dealing with the early modern period. Yes, you can use the past to critique our modern woes, but do it intelligently. Don’t slap modern points of view and understandings of things onto the past and expect them to make sense. 

Anyway, Jack spends the book hearing inanimate objects talk to him, asking him to “free” them, or something. And uh .. .it doesn’t go anywhere interesting after that. 

Also the correlation one can draw from these objects to, you know, slaves, is uncomfortable. Especially as it’s the cargo of the EIC ships that Jack hears. I don’t think it’s intended in any sort of malicious way, but the allusion is there and I always found it to be distinctly uncomfortable. 

Fourth: Misuse of Marxist Theory, or, More Heavy Handed Moralizing that Annoyed the Dear Reader because it wasn’t subtle and, more importantly, it wasn’t done intelligently. 

So, the author is an academic - studies 18th century lit. Which is readily apparent as his Academic (self-insert) character is, I believe, supposed to be a historian and uh ... you can tell that the author doesn’t know enough to wing that. E.g. How he interprets some of the laws and customs of the time. Instead of understanding the social, economic and, most importantly, environmental issues that gave birth to laws like “the corporation of the city of London owns the streets so you can’t muckrake” he chooses to understand them through a very 21st century lens (and a Marxist one at that. I know I’m perhaps a bit uncool for this, but I find the application of Marxist theory to the early modern period to be ... not useful). 

Do you know why, mid/late 17th century London passed these municipal laws? Because of the god damn fucking plague you numb nut. You absolute buffoon. It had nothing to do with “oh the City/government is evil and wants to own you” it had to do with the fact that no one cleaned the goddamn street. So the city took over doing it. 

Prior to this, in London, you were supposed to keep the street in front of your building clear of waste, debris, refuse etc. No one did this, of course. I live where it’s cold and snows a lot and people can barely shovel the 2 sq ft of sidewalk in front of their driveway in the winter. I dread the idea of an average homeowner being expected to keep the street clear and clean. 

Anyway, guess what dirty streets attract? Vermin. Guess what comes with vermin? Plague. Guess what happened in 1665/66? The great plague of London! 

17th century England might not have understood germ theory, but they did understand correlation. (Also, the population of London was doubling at the back half of the 17th century and streets needed to be reliably cleared for through-traffic reasons etc. etc.) 

ugh, sorry, that one in particular drove me up the wall. Not everything is a capitalist conspiracy. Especially when we’re talking about municipal by-laws from the 17th century. 

And I understand the temptation to read a lot of modern interpretation of words like “corporation” and “company” onto bodies that used these same words in 17th and 18th centuries. But the weight, meaning and connotation of “the worshipful company of merchant adventurers” is different from, I don’t know, “the tech company google” or whatever. The early 18th century is when we start seeing the birth of the stock market, of “venture companies” (i.e. merchant adventure companies), of a lot of the language and proto-iterations of what will grow to be economic institutions of our time. But it doesn’t mean they’re the same and that difference is important. Because Jack Sheppard is a man living in 1720 he’s not going to be having our modern 21st century critiques of capitalism because his engagement with the economic systems of his time would have been radically different to our own experiences. 

Fifth:  Unbelievable Top Surgery & Recovery 

So, Jack gets top surgery. In 1720s fever-ridden London. While quarantining in a brothel. 

And he lived! No infection! No tearing! He was up and about in a matter of days. I don’t remember if his nipples survived the operation or not but somehow Jack did. Without anesthetics! Or you know, any concept of hygiene. 

His Mystical Girlfriend Who Exists to Show How Good Jack is at Sex is also somehow Magically Very Literate and also Magically a Surgeon? and performs this surgery on Jack in the middle of a plague. 

The entire ordeal was so poorly handled in terms of believability that I literally set the book down and said “what the fucking fuck” to the empty room then drank wine before finishing the chapter. 

An aside, it is funny thinking about the quarantine chapters at this point. I read COTF when it first came out a few years ago. Sweet summer children, we none of us had any idea how to write quarantine scenes. 

That reminds me: the entire quarantine thing was presented as the government trying to control movement and take away people’s rights etc. instead of a very normal, typical response that cities had been enacting since 1350. Samuel Pepys, who lived through the 1665/66 epidemic, barely even notes the restrictions. He’s like just “hmmm I’d love to go to the pub but I also don’t want to die. so. *shrug*” 

At the time of the author’s writing, most of us in the western world had no idea how normal and day-to-day disease was for our ancestors and yes, sometimes there would be crackdowns to try and curb it if an epidemic hit. That was part and parcel of life. So again, Jack and Bess wouldn’t be like “ooooh we’re 21st century slightly libertarian lefitsts who think the government is doing this to control us and for nefarious purposes”. Much more likely, they would have been like Pepys and viewed it as nuisance, albeit a necessary one. 

Sixth: Overall Lack of Realism 

I think I’ve noted the big moments where I was like “no one in the early 18th century would think that I’m pretty certain”. This isn’t to say people didn’t grouse, complain about London government (and the king etc.), critique or question the world they lived in. They absolutely did! Regularly. With great verve and gusto, if the broadsheets are anything to go by. But their critiques, their complaints, suggestions for bettering life, are not the same as ours. Because how could they be? They lived in a different world, were responding to specific things, grew up hearing and believing certain things etc. 

Jack, aside from having minimal to no character, really did read like a modern slightly-libertarian leftist who was plunked into a novel that takes place three hundred years ago. 

In addition to unrealistic political views, his understanding of body, gender, sexuality and identity also read as incredibly modern. Now this is harder, because we have so few extant sources from that time on those who lived non-gender conforming lives, and from their point of view, so yes creative imagining and interpretation is the rule of the day for writing that. 

But, we do know how in general the average person engaged and understood gender and sexuality and that would, naturally, inform anyone whose experience was different. And that base line of “probably what a typical cis Englishman or woman felt about their body and identity” wasn’t present. At all. 

Indeed, gender engagement at that time was interesting. The concept of the body, the role of the physical body, how it was interpreted is absolutely fascinating and the author could have done some really cool things with that. But he didn’t. He went for slapping a modern interpretation onto the past. 

At this point, write a dystopian novel and make Jack a fictional character. That probably would have gone over better, for me at least. The conceit can remain the same: It’s the year 4056 and an Academic found a manuscript from the year 3045 when the Dystopia Was a Thing - and go from there. 

--- 

I think part of what made this very popular and why people seem so taken with it is that it reads smart. It reads like someone who has immersed themselves in that world etc. because of the slang and language used. 

Yet, for me, as someone who has studied this period extensively, especially queerness in London in the late 17th and early 18th centuries, it read flat and unrealistic. 

I was initially very enthused when I started it. There are some posts to that effect on my blog. But it very quickly went south. It tries very hard to be Radical and Smart and Subversive and Critiquing Everything and so I think it fails at the fundamental thing it should be doing: telling a good story. 

(Note: The book does try and address racism in London at this time. It also felt a bit forced. And Jack seemed to have no prejudices or preconceived notions about Indian and Black folk which isn’t realistic. Like, it might make him #Problematic but my dude, you’re writing a man born in 1702. He’s going to have some iffy views. That can be challenged! Absolutely. But they still would have existed.) 

---

Thank you for the ask! I again apologize for the length of the reply. 

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - Under Raps

My feelings on this episode are pretty neutral. It’s not anything amazing, but it’s not the worst thing ever either. It’s just there, I guess. 

Summary: During a love festival, Corona displays a book full of signatures of lovers in honor of an old ruler's falling in love with the leader of a rival kingdom. Cassandra suddenly turns very secretive; Rapunzel learns it's because she's been seeing a guy named Andrew. Cassandra doesn't want Rapunzel's meddling, but the princess suggests a double date and they all go off in a hot air balloon. However, Andrew turns out to be part of an old faction that didn't like the unification of Corona and wants to steal the book.

This Backstory Doesn’t Add Up

So we open up with Big Nose narrating about the history of a war between Corona and a group of people called the Saporians. This is important for two reasons. First, because the Saporians are reoccurring villains in the show, and secondly, because it reveals where the underground tunnels running between Old Corona and the Island Capital come from. These tunnels are a reoccurring plot device in the show, along with the book that maps them. 

The problem is that what the story tells us doesn’t match the other information we are given. If it was only the Saporians who invaded then why does an Old Corona, with its own castle, exist to begin with? Why do the tunnels extend from both if King Herz Der Sonne made them? What purpose did they serve if he was only defending the island? Why are the Saporians led by a general and not a ruler? Why would marrying only a general unite the two kings and where was the Saporian kingdom to begin with? Why did they invade? Why are there still Saporians who haven’t accepted the merger centuries later and why do they live on the go outside the kingdom? If  Herz Der Sonne is such a good guy then why did he curse his grave with a zombie apocalypse? Ect. 

We keep getting hints throughout the show that Herz Der Sonne isn’t all he was cracked up to be, and you keep expecting a reveal that it was the Coronaians who started the war and oppressed the Saporians and then rewrote history, but it never comes. The show wants us to accept this very black and white conflict at face value even as it constantly undermines itself and muddies the waters. 

Pointing Out That Something is Stupid in the Show Itself Doesn’t Make it Any Less Stupid

As I stated back during Rapunzel’s Enemy, the show has a real problem with tone. Constantly showing us festival and holiday after festival and holiday only undermines the more serious elements in the ongoing story and creates mood whiplash. Also anything that reminds me of Cinderella 2 is not a good thing. 

Ahh Friedborg, You’re Such a Wasted Opportunity 

So she actually first appeared in Cassandra V. Eugene but I forgot to bring her up there. My bad. Friedborg is something of a fan favorite in the TTS fandom, and I like her too, but she adds nothing. She’s a joke character in a tv show already oversaturated by joke characters. More over the joke is actually offensive on some level since it all hinges on her being less conventionally attractive then the other female characters and the mains finding her weird because she never talks. 

The show tries to justify her existence by making her Big Nose’s girlfriend, but she’s not who he ended up with in the movie. And once again it’s kind of offensive to imply that only people who don’t match society’s contrived beauty standards can only find love with those that look like them. Thereby completely missing the point of Big Nose’s character arc. 

I’ll say it right now, Friedborg should have been Zan Tiri, or Demantius. Take your pick. I think ZT makes more sense, but etheir way she should have been a setup for something more important to the plot rather then just be being a vauge oddity that just pops up from time to time. 

I Miss This Version of Eugene

Throughout the first two seasons, Eugene and Cassandra were willing to point out Rapunzel’s BS. Forcing her to confront her flaws and re-examine her positions.I would argue that the show could have pushed this even further but at least it was there. By the final season no one was doing this. Rapunzel is allowed to be as awful as she wants to be without consequence. Meaning she never learns anything and stops growing as a character and the show acts like this a positive thing. It is not. In fact, it is the biggest flaw of the whole show as it fails to achieve the one thing it originally set out to do; which is to tell a coming of age story with Rapunzel. 

It also has the added effect of making Eugene a doormat to Rapunzel’s bulling, thereby regressing his character as well and presenting an unhealthy relationship as a goal to be achieved to younger viewers. I can not stress enough to young girls and young men in particular, that Rapunzel and Eugene are not ‘relationship goals’ in this show. Not after season 3. 

Xavier Doesn’t Get a Proper Introduction 

So Xavier is actually pretty important to the ongoing plot. He’s more or less the exposition fairy for the show, but he’s not really established. He just suddenly appears here with no prior meeting and he just so happens to know what the main characters need to know with no explanation as to how he knows. 

His part here is so forgettable that I legit forgot who he was when he reappeared in the mid-season finale. I had thought that the writers just threw in a random character for plot purposes. And to be fair they did. Just they did it here instead of in Queen for a Day. 

If the showrunners wanted Xavier to be historian who knows everything and tells stories, then he should have been introduced as the narrator of the history of Hearts Day instead of Big Nose. 

Another Lesson Not Learned 

We get this big heart to heart moment of Raps and Cass coming to an understanding, with Rapunzel promising not to intrude and Cass promising to being more honest about her feelings. This is walked back on several times and made part of the core conflict of the last two seasons. 

Once again, any problem that can be solved in less then five minutes of talking isn’t a strong enough conflict to drive multiple seasons. If this had been a show without an ongoing narrative, like say The Rescue Rangers or even Batman the Animated Series, then the repeated lessons wouldn’t be a problem. We expect characters to be static and to reset after each episode since they’re not shows that you watch in order. 

But if you do go the overarching arc route for a story, then people expect lasting character development. Even in shows like Gravity Falls or Steven Universe, where the change is more gradual and the characters do repeat mistakes occasionally, there’s still a marketed change by the end. One that indicates improvement by the characters, and the inter conflicts are never exactly the same each time with exactly the same lesson over and over again. 

 Oh Look, Cassandra Once Again Achieving her Goal of Validation 

Cass is awarded a medal by her father for stopping Andrew. Don’t expect her or the show to remember this. 

Also more Cass and Cap interaction that we don’t get to see. 

Can We Not Imply That Cassandra Still has a Crush on the Guy Who Lied to Her and Then Almost Killed Her, and Can We Not Act Like This is a Good Thing?

So this flower was given to Cassandra by Andrew and her keeping it makes zero sense. 

First off lets not have one of our few strong independent female characters crushing on the show’s stereotypical ‘nice guy’, okay? That’s all kinds of gross. Secondly, if the intention was to show that Cass was now more willing to open up about her feelings, then wouldn’t her keeping one of the gifts Raps made her earlier in the episode make more sense? After all, that’s the relationship that actually matters to Cassandra and is the basis of the whole show. 

But this all boils down to the fact that the creator sees Cassandra as straight, always has, and thinks her crushing on the guy who manipulated her is somehow better than ‘no-homo’. Now you can headcanon Cass as whatever you want and ship her with whomever you want, as canon doesn’t matter. But I find it hilarious that most of the head showrunner’s biggest supporters are mainly Casspunzel fans and yet he’s the one who made them ‘sisters’ and sees them as such.

Like I hate to break it to you guys, but a Cass led spin-off headed by Chris won't be the lesbian rep that you’ve always dreamed of. You’re better off just watching the She-Ra reboot. 

But things gets even worse when Rapunzel approves of this stupid ‘crush’ ...

Don’t Ever Tell Someone That You’re Proud of Them For Going On a Date

Dating is just something some people choose to do together and some people choose not to engage in that. It’s not an accomplishment and it shouldn’t be treated as such. This is insulting to both people who don’t date, for whatever reason, and to women who hate being being defined by their relationships, which is most of us. 

Even if you’re being charitable and try to make this about Cassandra self esteem and her learning she’s worth ‘loving’, which is the reason some people have offered up for this scene, it still falls apart when it’s not established that Cassandra ever had such self esteem issues to begin with and was not looking for romance anyways. And if that is what the show is going for then it’s still problematic to suggest that being found as attractive by someone else is need for self esteem. In fact, that’s kind of the opposite of what self esteem is.    

Conclusion 

Overall this episode was ‘meh’. Like most season one episodes the problems stem from the ongoing narrative and lack of follow though in later seasons. However there’s enough stuff in here on it’s own to rub me just the wrong way that I can’t actually call it good either. 

It doesn’t help that I don’t see the appeal of Andrew at all. Watching the character is just a cringefest for me. He’s too similar to real life men I’ve unfortunately met and therefore sends alarm bells ringing in my head. And I agree with Eugene; he’s not all that handsome. 

[paodequeijofeliz-blog]

Let me tell you a good story

Bloodbound Fanfiction (characters and main story belongs to Pixelberry Studios).

Pairing: Kamilah Sayeed and MC (Annie)

Information:  this takes place after Bloodbound 3, here I’m recreating how Kamilah and MC would meet if she had never gone to Raines Corporation right away.

Summary: Thirty years after meeting Annie for the first time, Kamilah is now a wife and a mother. During a regular family dinner, she decides to tell her daughter and their new son-in-law the story of how she fell in love with Annie after an unusual meeting through the hallways of NYU.

Warnings: none.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 5

Let me tell you a good story - Part 4

March 2nd, 2048.

           “Do not laugh”. – Anna pointed a finger at Drake. – “I was still confused.”

           “Not laughing, I swear. It is completely reasonable that you thought she worked for Ms. Sayeed.” He nervously took a long gulp of soda.

           Kamilah was taping her fingers on the table, a sweet melody playing in her head. Nothing could disturb her peaceful life anymore. She was sitting by a beautiful wife, someone who still held her heart. In front of them, there was the most intelligent and sweet child in the world, named after Kamilah’s brother Lysimachus. Even Drake, the goofy human, was a delight company. He was the perfect balance for Lysia’s seriousness.

           “Are you ok?” Annie’s touch woke her up.

           “I’m perfect. Why don’t you go fetch the dessert while I continue for a while? I left a surprise for you in the microwave.”

           Anna jumped into the kitchen with impressionable speed. If there was one thing she loved, that was Kamilah’s volcano chocolate cake, a masterpiece perfected over years and years of repeatedly baking it.

           “Child.” Both Lysia and Kamilah said at the same time when they saw Annie’s reaction.

           “You know, it creeps me out when you two do that.” Drake scratched his arm, having goosebumps.

           “You should see when they fight!!” Anna yelled from the kitchen. “It’s like watching a couple of clones!”

           They were interrupted by someone opening the door. The flash of a sparkle on Lysia’s face told Kamilah who the person was faster than anything else. The human girl opened the biggest smile she could, but remained sat on the chair, not even losing her posture.

           “Uncle Adrian!”

           “Hi, sweetie. I’m sorry to be late, there was an emergency to solve.” He placed a soft kiss on Lysia’s forehead before shaking Drake’s hands and smiling at Kamilah. “Am I interrupting?”

           “Not at all. We were talking about the past. Actually, little brother, you arrived at the perfect moment. Now you can help me remember this part of the story.”

           “Which story?”

           “Ti storu uf ru we fil in luv.” Anna came back carrying the cake, a big piece of it already missing. Her face had chocolate all over the mouth, nose, and chin.

           Kamilah sighed. At this point, there was no need for translation anymore. Adrian only laughed and carried on. “The story of how you two fell in love? Oh, boy. Rough times. You think Kamilah is a tense person? Should’ve seen her realizing her feelings for Annie. I thought New York wouldn’t survive it.”

           “Adrian, why don’t you continue for us? We were just getting to the part you entered the story.” The vampire queen said over the table while cleaning Annie’s face with a napkin. “And you, behave. The last time you ate so much chocolate, you cried for the entire night with a stomach-ache.”

           “Yu crid the whole niti withy stumachache, bla bla bla” she mocked her wife, taking another big bite of dessert. Kamilah solemnly ignored this part.  

           “Ok, ok. Let’s see… So, after that dinner and the job proposition, Kamilah wanted to either kill or kiss Annie, it was still unclear.”

           “Hmm, both.” Answered Kamilah, watching her wife out of the corner of the eye.

 August 29th, 2018

           The sky was already dark.

           The sky is always dark when Kamilah is looking through the window. The same old dark sky she had seen for years. But, tonight, something feels different. The sight that usually calms her down, the peaceful shade of black marked by the city lights, it was suddenly not enough. There was an irritation growing inside her chest, heavy and dangerous like a bomb ready to explode. The reason of it was worse than the feeling itself. She had felt anger many times before, with better motives. Right now, Kamilah knew deep down it was stupid to be so bothered by something that small. Finally, not being able to stand her own company anymore, her fingers called the same number it always does at moments like this.

           “Hey.” Adrian’s voice surged on the other side of the line.

           “Why hasn’t she given us an answer yet?”

           “What? Who?”

           Kamilah sighed. She was so tired. Angry. Frustrated. “Why hasn’t that mewling tiny stupid woman answered our business proposal? It has been a week, Adrian. There’s a limit for my patience. I don’t have time for this.”

           “Hm, you’re mad.” He just acknowledged it, his voice a little surprised. “I didn’t know this matter to be so urgent. In fact, I remember vividly that you were the one saying not to rush things when I suggested hiring a historian. She must have given you quite the impression to make you so eager to close the deal.”

           She snorted, and Adrian was sure her eyes rolled as well. “It’s not about her. It could be anyone. I just want to put things in motion.”

           “Right.” He didn’t buy it. “Well, my friend, then I’m going to tell you the options we have, since you clearly won’t quiet down until something is done.”

           Kamilah fixed her posture immediately, ready to jump into a plan.

           “Fist: you can call one of the historians on the list I sent to you last month. Call all the fifteen options, if it suits better. They were all graduated in high profile universities and sustain the best curriculums in the country.” Adrian gave it a second of silence, and since she didn’t make a sound, he continued. “Second: throw away the idea of working with one of them and just make a deal with one of us. I don’t know any of our group who is a historian, but most of them know a lot about the past and maybe will even understand the mission better than an outsider.”

           Silence again. And then, the distant sound of Kamilah’s high heels hitting the floor, like she was impatiently trembling her leg. Adrian knew that sign. It meant none of the options were good enough for her. “Or… Third: if you do believe she’s worth it, you can always go over there and demand an answer.”

           Her eyes widened.  

           “Can I do that?”

           “Sure.” He laughed. “As long as you don’t hurt, yell or kill the poor woman.”

           That was it. The solution. She wanted the mission to start already, and if Kamilah wanted anything, no one could stop her from getting it. Much less a professor who hadn’t done the courtesy of giving a simple answer. After a couple minutes, the Egyptian found Anna’s address on the university website and head there without thinking twice. In a blink, she was already ringing the intercom, but it seemed to not be working.

           “Kamilah?” Annie was dangerously leaning on the window. “What are you doing here?”

           “We need to talk. Open the door.”

           The grumpy and ordering tone made Anna frown, but she didn’t argue. From the street, the Egyptian could hear her mumbling things in Portuguese while getting down the stairs. Even though Kamilah couldn’t understand it, she was sure it was cursing. Without saying a word to each other, they climbed the stairs to the third floor. Annie’s place was thoroughly clean and covered with the pleasant scent of vanilla. A mess of books and papers had taken over the living room, where a dining table was set: a dish with a weird sandwich, a glass of cheap wine and an opened notebook. It looked like she was working late.

           “Take a sit. Do you want to drink something? I’ve got wine, rum, whisky, gin, coffee… Water.” The sweet tone on her voice disarmed Kamilah for just a second. The professor seemed extremely tired, but even like this, she wasn’t able to be rude.

           “No, I… I’m fine. Thank you.”

           “What happened?”

           Kamilah’s arms crossed over her breasts. That confused look on Annie’s face was genuine. How could she not know why Kamilah was there? That was the last drop. It unlocked all the irritation that had been burning on the Egyptian’s chest for days. “Did you hit your head recently? Or do you suffer from diseases such as Alzheimer?”

           “Wh…What? I… No…”

           “Why the hell do you think I am here, Ms. Mali? Do you believe I am a woman who has the time to sit around waiting for you to make a simple decision? To answer a yes or no question? Look at me. Do not stare at the floor. Raise your eyes.” Kamilah approached her with such a fast movement, Annie barely saw it happening. In a second, she was standing before her, lifting the professor’s chin to make their eyes meet. “It is not polite to just disappear once a business proposal is showed to you. I do not tolerate this kind of behaviour. If you’re too much of a child yet, then maybe we were wrong to approach you in the first place.”

           Anna didn’t stop her. Didn’t move either. Kamilah saw something growing on the professor’s face, some sort of weakness she wasn’t expecting to find. Her expression was flickering between insecurity and sadness. Finally, an answer came.

           “I can’t stay.” A whisper. The palpable shame in her tone. “I’m leaving.”

            “What do you mean by that?”

           “I mean… I got fired. I’m leaving the country. I’m sorry.” She shrunk her shoulders. Somehow, the woman was getting smaller. More fragile. “It happened on Saturday morning, right after that dinner. I know it’s no excuse and should’ve called you sooner. I’m really sorry. I just thought that now that I’m no longer related to the NYU, my name and reputation wouldn’t be of any value to you. I guess… I was embarrassed to let you know and go through the whole ‘well, then we don’t want you anymore’ conversation. Either way, I am sorry. For not answering, for making you come here, for everything.”

           Kamilah was not at all prepared for this. She went from almost tearing the professor’s throat opened to drowning inside her sorrow and beautiful features. Without much thinking, the Egyptian brushed some hair behind Annie’s ears in a soft movement.

           “Are you leaving the country because of visa issues?”

           “Yes. Not the main reason though… Even if they granted me a permanent visa, I don’t have money to stay. I was a recent teacher at NYU, my payment wasn’t that high and most of it went to cover the costs of the postdoctoral course. Now I’m trying to finish some papers quickly and I still need to buy the plane tickets.”

           “I don’t care about NYU.”

           Annie’s eyes came back to Kamilah only to find an unreadable face. “What?”

           “It’s not relevant if you’re related or not to a University. That doesn’t change my stand.”

           “But…”

           “We still want you.”

           The professor was speechless, staring in disbelief.

           “Answer me, Annie. Will you accept the proposal?”

           Kamilah’s arms uncrossed and her hands went to rest on the hips. She saw a thousand of emotions running through the professor’s eyes in a second.

          “What about my visa?”

         “Not a problem I can’t solve. As for the money part… Adrian will discuss this with you. He’s responsible for the bureaucracies. But I can guarantee, regardless of how the conversation goes, it’s going to be way more than what NYU was paying. So, there won’t remain any obstacles forcing you to leave.”

         Anna smiled. Not because of the money. She just noticed that Kamilah had come in person not to fight, but to persuade her to say yes. That made her wonder what the Egyptian’s thoughts were right now. “I did answer, you know. When I got home, after dinner.”

        “Oh?”

       She pointed at the computer on the desk. “It’s in the draft emails part. I was going to send it on Monday morning.”

       Kamilah arched one eyebrow. “And what was the answer?”

       Instead of giving her the pleasure to hear it, Annie decided to contour the table and send the draft email that was waiting there all along. Inside Kamilah’s pocket, her cell phone immediately buzzed. She gave it a quick glance before smiling and walking towards the door.

        “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, Ms. Mali. Don’t be late.”

[lesdoublesll]

Hello!! Just wanted to ask, what do you think about Finkeldorf?? Danke ✌️❤️

Such a small question, but such a complicated one ! I have so much things to say about them I love them so much ♥️

First of all, they are much more than a ship, they are their own persons and boi, I love both. So I think I'll answer what I think of the characters, and of the pairing.

The pairing is AMAZING. They've known each other for so long, they trust each other so much : you can just feel Finkel would do anything to please K, but in an absolutely non toxic way despite K being his superior. He is just super supportive and admirative all the time ! K on the other hand looks very protective with his Finkie ahah which is understandable. He is so adorable, just imagining someone like Freddy being hurt must be unbearable (for me it is 😭). And let's be real : having such a supportive, cute, young boyfriend, I wouldn't want to share him and I would protect him at all costs too ! And I think Taika Waititi did a great job convey all of it in the film, without making it too obvious (because at the time you had to hide it) but on the contrary: making it subtle but beautiful. It's the only long term relationship exposed in it, and it's not even pointed out. Its just there because that is how it is. And that's great lgbt representation : that's just life : they aren't treated any different from hetero characters. Being gay isn't their main trait, it's not only there to serve comic purposes, but it is also there for the plot (for captain K's character and for his relationship with Jojo; I will talk about it later ;) )

So yeah I love them, and the film just reminded me of how it was, being bullied for years for being "a lesbian" (which I am not but you know for some ppl bisexuality is hard to understand) "the bisexual slut who wants to have sex with everyone" and all the slut shaming that came with it. It reminded me of how unfair the whole situation was, of how vulnerable I was, it reminded me of why I've been an active lgbt suppoter for years. And you know, I tend to actually forget how cruel can ppl be sometimes, because it's been two years since I am in humanities in prepschool, half of my friends are bi, the other half are gay and lesbian, I am accepted by my family and my friends, and I have a gf. It's almost like everything is perfect and nothing bad happens to us. But it's not true, and as much as it is crucial we enjoy all the good things that happen to us in life, we must remember some lgbt ppl didn't have that chance and some still don't have it. Some lgbt ppl are still harrassed/arrested/killed everywhere in the world in every country. And Finkeldorf just reminded me that I needed not to forget about it. That I should still fight for my rights, for the rights of every single lgbt person.

Oh and a ww2 gay pairing: my historian brain just loved it xD

Ok. Wow that escalated I am sorry x)

As for the characters.

Freddy Finkel. I absolutely love him with all my heart and that's not even because he is portrayed by the best actor alive. (And the most handsome by the way. ) He is so precious. Maybe he is a little dumb (mostly for comic effects x) ) but he wants to do thing good so bad, almost like he is searching for approval. And surely K gives him all the approval he needs and that's awesome (cause K makes him feel like he isn't that stupid). You can also tell how he is always so enthusiastic and cheerful all the time : he is young and he wants to enjoy life ! And that makes perfect sense that he ends up with someone as desillusioned and sarcastic as K. I think K needs that a lot actually x). Must be refreshing and comforting. Finkel is adorable. Just as Alfie said : he ends up in this situation because of wrong circumstances. He surely does not want to be a soldier, and obviously does not want to be any part of the nazi system: he surely is in the army because it was mandatory, or even before it was mandatory because he wanted to be with K. Just as Alfie said : he is just in love. That's all. Just like a lot of regular soldiers, he must go on and do as he is told, so he can survive with the love of his life. Great life eh ?... :( I don't know if he is part of any group of resistance and I would say no for two reasons. 1) Finkel is loud, dumb and awkward. Not a great idea. 2) I am sure K would not want him to be. He would like to handle things on his own and be sure Finkel is safe. And I am sure Finkel would feel bad for it but would agree with him.

I would never call him a bad person.

Ok Klenzendorf now. There are so many things to say. Sam Rockwell first shall we ? Sam Rockwell is amazing in this role. He just fits perfectly. I have watched a lot of movies with him before and I always loved his part the best in those movies. But in Jojo Rabbit. Omg I was like Pikachu on that meme : :O !! I was gagging !!! (Just ask my gf). He was awesome and the character is PERFECT. Far more complex than Finkel of course, because he is a crucial character of the film. (And a fan favorite of course). He isn't black or white. He isn't a nazi, in the sense that he doesn't believe in this ideology at ALL. That's why he doesn't take his job seriously : that's a fucking rebel and you can't tell me I am wrong. He surely is in the army since WW1. So again : it wasn't his direct choice to be in the german army. But we can tell he likes his job : he likes being a soldier, that was a choice he made before Hitler. But he was let down by this system : all the clubs he used to go to were destroyed, he suddenly could go to KZ because he was gay, his boyfriend could go to KZ because of something he would say or do, his eye lost he couldn't even be seen as valuable by this same system...just imagine seeing the Germany you fought for crumble and fall around you. Being someone and then BOOM being nothing to your country. worst : being someone your country doesn't want at all! Yes that's fucking horrible. And in the film there are evidences that he fights against this system that let him down: the fact that he knows Rosie (who is in a group of resistants) and she HITS him and he says nothing ! That's just like the biggest clue : they are in the same group. X) Rosie's bikes and the gestapo scene when he helps Elsa and Jojo and how he saves Jojo at the end. So yeah surely a resistant. And... he can't to anything else. He can't refuse a mission as a soldier : it would make him in danger, and what he does could make FINKEL in danger too. And if you had to obey to save yourself and your lover I know a lot of ppl out there would do the same. He even tries to convince Jojo to stop thinking about jews, he tries to change his mind ! So he is a complex character and he shouldn't even be a controversial character in the first place. Any sane ppl who watch the film and knows its history should think that way. He isn't the best person, but he is a good person, even if he surely loathes himself for the things he has done. I love him so much!!

There :D thx for the ask.

[grimoiresgirlsrp]

CHAPTER TWO - the need for secrecy 

Sunday, April 19th. 6:15pm.

In typical Genevieve Ceoi fashion, the historian was, yet again, late for the meeting she had called at her little home on the outskirts of Salem. For a couple of the witches, this was already a familiar place, but others yet had never come onto the woman’s property. Slowly, they each arrived, suspicious of each other more than ever, and hearts pounding as they waited to see what the elusive woman would have to say. 

They all knew this was about the viral news article that had been circulating online for the past few days. They all knew that at least one of them were guilty of prompting it - and it was hard to mistake the fact that some of the witches did not attend the meeting. Mara, Harley, Lilith, and most surprisingly - Aida. These 4 faces never made an appearance, even long after Genevieve threw open the doors to her home and ushered each girl into the small living room. 

Once inside, plants (mostly half dead and neglected) lined the window sills, and stacks of books, loose papers, and writing utensils littered the floor. Genevieve Ceoi clearly lacked majorly in the organization department, and most of the of the 11 witches in attendance had to scramble to make room for them to sit. Maybe only Clementine noticed, but the plants definitely perked up when she got near.

“So, clearly, we’re all here because someone decided opening their mouths would be an amusing idea,” Genevieve began, and almost immediately, the defensive chatter began. Each girl eager to clear her name of any possible accusation - but one remained silent. Maia listened, lips decidedly shut, until Genevieve hissed for the girls to shut up and listen to her. “I’m well aware that not all of you - that most of you do not trust me, and that’s all well and good. But please pay attention to me when I tell you this...”

Something about her tone commanded respect, and silence fell over the room. “When I found the shadow books, your grimoires, I knew I’d done something unimaginable to the world as we knew it. But we don’t know what all has been done, outside of you girls. We don’t know what else exists out there... and what else has been called forth. Back in the 1600s, there was a notorious band of witch hunters, led by the infamous Joseph Bishop, who killed more women and magical entities than the fires did. Here -” Genevieve handed out a dusty book, the binding barely still in tact, that looked like a documentation of the Bishop family, complete with a family tree. Several names and hand-drawn faces were scratched out, and on one page, a blood smeared remained. 

“As you can imagine, secrecy is key for us. I do not know who wrote the blog, or contacted the reporters-”

“Clearly it was someone who finds this all a joke,” Ariadne interjected. Her eyes shot to Cole, eyebrows raised. “If not you, then Aida, with all her well-researched knowledge. Notice how she conveniently did not show up?”

Genevieve was quick to dismiss the notion that Aida may be part of this - but her gaze did linger suspiciously on Cole, who was quick to defend herself. An accusation was hurled directly back to Ari, but she offered no response. Tension was high, and that’s when Maia cracked - “I wrote it. The Tumblr blog, about being freaked out... but I didn’t send it in to the reporter, I swear.” 

Marina jumped to Maia’s defense, stating how she, too, had made some ambiguous statuses on social media in her own distress - and that no real blame should be on either of them for dealing with their powers in the way they chose. Genevieve reluctantly agreed, but warned both Marina and Maia to avoid any more clues being left for the public

Monday, April 20th. Midnight.

The girls still argued, desperate to find a person to blame for submitting Maia’s blog, and the rest of the intimate details, to the scandalous news source - but no one fessed up. It seemed that suspicion sat most with Cole, Aida, Ariadne, and Luce - the latter only due to her insistent that it was obviously Mara who had outed them all in a grab for power and control. Without being present to deny it, suspicion also landed on the absent woman, but with no way to truly prove anything.... the girls finally gave up. It was a common agreement that one of these 5 were the culprit.

“There is one more thing,” Genevieve said quietly as everyone gathered to leave, late in the night, eyes tired and hearts heavy. She went to a box, locked and chained like some ridiculous movie about vampires, and pulled out a book as equally old as the family history of the Bishop’s. As she flipped through the pages, many old spells in foreign languages were carefully written on the page - some in red ink looking too similar to blood for comfort. One by one, Genevieve ripped out a page, folded it, and handed it a girl until all 11 had received a page. “Use these spells only in case of emergency. They are old, old magic, with dark roots. Black magic. They are not toys or cheap tricks, but something to defend yourself with if the stupidity of whoever spoke up comes back to bite you in the ass. For those who have chosen to work with me rather than against me... there is much more to explore, when you’re ready.”

The book of dark magic was returned to the box, and the key kept on Genevieve’s person. She looked at each of the girls seriously. “I once again urge you to think closely about your choices. Working together is the only way to survive. And no more talking to the press, or it’s your funeral next.” 

and this concludes our second plot drop! please close all older threads.

new threads can begin anytime after the close of the meeting - so Monday the 20th would be the earliest starting point for new threads!

if your character has changed their mind about their affiliation with Genevieve and/or Mara - please send an ask to the main detailing their change of heart!

feel free to have your characters discuss their suspicions and/or personal actions honestly or deceitfully - but keep your OOC answers secret for now still! the suspense and suspicion is key for this part of the plot! 

it is entirely up to you, as the writer, to decide what spell Genevieve gave your character - and how they choose to use it. there is no rush on this, but please send an ask to the main when you can explaining the spell you were given, and any other details you’d like to include, such as plot ideas for when your character will use it! (or if they got rid of it, gave it to someone else, etc.)

as always, come to us with any questions or comments! thanks guys!

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 122 Review

Finally the Marleyan and Eldian versions of history are reconciled. We see the real history for ourselves and what we learn is that the Marleyans were basically right.

You can all kiss my ass!

Look, I’m not going to mince words here: the official Marleyan history is that Ymir had a working relationship with “the devil” and together they subjugated the Marleyans.

That is exactly what happened. 

According to Eren’s grandfather, the relationship was more mutual; he described it as a contract. According to Kruger, the relationship was more one-sided; he describes Ymir in the Marleyan history as a pawn of the devil.

In any event, the devil was a real, albeit mythologized figure and Ymir worked with/under them. Is it unreasonable for the Marleyans for say this dude was the devil and leave it at that? 

Yeah, kind of, and they probably did it for propaganda reasons. But it’s not as unreasonable as you would think.

You’ve all heard of Jesus, right?

Jesus was a real person and we know that because he is mentioned in the Bible, which is in fact a historical document. Yes, the Bible says Jesus had magical powers (and that the world was created 7000 years ago) but so what? Ancient historical documents mix reality with mythology all the time. That’s the challenge of being a historian of antiquity, separating the facts from the myth.

That the Marleyan’s historical record claims this dude was the devil is not that out there.

Meanwhile, the official Eldian history is that Eldian rule was orgasmic.

It completely leaves out the raping and pillaging and other atrocities. It’s an incomplete picture. The Marleyan history is essentially the whole story.

Yes, Ymir really did cultivate the land, but this was only to the Eldian’s benefit. The Marleyan history does not contradict that. It emphasizes the atrocities, but it is implicit in the Marleyan account of history that the Eldians benefited from their dominance.

‘Cause, ya know, that’s how racism works. It’s not just a detriment to the oppressed, it benefits the oppressors.

It’s not even unreasonable to emphasize the atrocities, since they are, not to put too fine a point on it, atrocities. Building roads and bridges, by itself, is just not noteworthy. 

Why would any impartial history book mention that Ymir built roads outside of a few sentences, and even then, just to lay the ground work to explain how the Eldian Empire grew to be able to expand and conquer. 

The history of the world of SNK is first and foremost a story about a racist empire that murdered many people. 

Building roads and bridges? That’s not important. 

And as for the 1700 years of genocide, that is yet to be settled. That happened after Ymir’s death, and while we see that the Eldians conquered the world, we don’t see the details.

One thing that’s great about this chapter: many apologists for imperialism turn to excuses like how the colonialists built infrastructure and cultivated the land to justify imperialism. What SNK gets right is that the benefits of that cultivation were only enjoyed by the oppressors.

Yes, in the course of colonizing Africa, the Europeans built roads and crap, but that is a non-factor in the rightfulness of the imperialist project because those roads benefited the colonialists. And no one else.

Likewise, the benefits of Ymir’s work were only enjoyed by Eldians, which is why they remember her so fondly. Meanwhile, the Marleyans were victimized by Ymir, so they hate her.

What’s even better is that this could, maybe, hopefully, be read as a repudiation of Kruger’s dumbass line about the nature of truth.

There is truth in this world.

The Marleyan truth.

You hate to see it.

Frieda in this chapter is something of a tragic figure. She means well and just wants to give Historia some good advice, but she’s too drunk on the kool-aid to say anything helpful.

It’s true that we should all be thinking about others, but what’s been forgotten is love for ourselves in addition to love for others. A healthy relationship involves both of these things. You help people out, but always make sure to help yourself.

Ymir is literally the property of her master and is the equivalent of a tool to be used until it breaks. Her life is all about serving others. She bears the king’s children, fights the king’s enemies, and builds up the king’s empire. She was never allowed to love others, and she doesn’t even seem to have had any friends.

There’s no room for her to love herself, which is why this is a bad relationship.

You know, just to say the obvious.

One thing that’s great about SNK is that one of its morals is how bad it is to care too much about others. Caring too much, to the point you subordinate your own needs to someone else, is a kind of metaphorical enslavement.

Historia is the best example of that. Her whole character starting out was about self-sacrifice and caring about others. Her girlfriend thought she was a total idiot, and she was right.

There are other examples, though, like Mikasa gradually becoming less obsessive over Eren as the story goes on, or like the way the warriors serve Marley, which is a lot like a kind of slavery.

The series is characteristically blunt about it here, what with Ymir literally being a slave, but it’s a good moral and not an intuitive one.

The emptiness behind Frieda’s advice couldn’t be made more obvious here. As she expounds on how we need to be people who are helpful to others, we see are shown how her example, Ymir, is a literal slave. And towards the end of Frieda’s monologue, Ymir looks on at two lovers making out.

The contrast is clear. Give yourself over to others and being “loved” by them is not real love.

So this is Ymir Fritz, huh?

Another theme of this series is how lacking freedom limits your potential. Historia, once again, is a good example. Her over-caring was a burden on herself, and it kept her from truly becoming her own person. She’s in a much better place now that she’s move past that.

Eren is also kind of another example, but he’s like the incel version of it. Eren is “free” because he got swole and can just kick the ass of anyone who disagrees with him. Eren is what incel losers on Reddit dream of becoming. A chad.

He went from being a social loser to singlehandedly saving the world. From commonplace to world’s strongest. He's like the main character of an isekai anime. Pure vicarious pleasure for the stereotypical anime nerd.

Ymir is the encapsulation of this theme. She is basically a god, with incredible power. The only limit on her power is her imagination. Tragically, her imagination was so limited.

She has all this power, and she never thought to use it for herself. She used it for the king because she is his slave and that is her place in the world. She never thought otherwise.

Now Eren’s broken though to her and it looks like she and him are going to be partners in crime. Yay?

The themes of this series can be good, but there are still problems.

One theme is the inherent value of life. People deserve to live and it’s not because they possess any certain quality. People deserve to live because they are. They were born and they exist now.

Maybe their birth was mistake, but that’s ok, because people can give their own lives meaning. The meaning of life, according to SNK, is completely internal. It comes from within you.

Throughout the story, characters have devoted themselves to various things. Not all of them were bad things. Levi is devoted to Erwin. Mikasa is (was?) devoted to Eren. Armin was devoted to his dream of seeing the ocean. Rod was devoted to his belief in god.

They all tried to give meaning to their lives through external means.

But people like Historia, and, in kind of a bad way, Eren, are special because they try to find meaning through internal means.

That’s fine and all, but the problem is that Eren is the main character and his values and his example is what the series upholds.

Eren is a fighter and it’s clear he sees that as carte blanche to do whatever he thinks is right.

Killing children?

MORE LIKE FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM!!1

Insubordination?

FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM!!1

Pissing over his friends?

FREEDOM!!1

So, is human life inherently valuable or not?

The series tries to be about how lives matter, but also seemingly upholds this really stupid moral code where defending your own life can justify anything.

This isn’t even really a form of consequentialism. Consequentialists define goodness in terms of an action’s consequences. But, like, it’s the consequences for the world as a whole. Goodness is about what’s good for the world overall, not what’s good for me personally.

You can kill in self-defense, but there are limits. Violence should be proportionate and reasonable. And the killing itself should not be the point.

Killing most of the world is obviously not a net good for the world. Yes, the series makes humanity out to be depraved, but that’s bullshit because it is not true. People can be made to do awful or just plain stupid things by their environment, but the solution isn’t to just kill everyone.

They were born into this world, you see.

This is why there is a ten billion percent chance Eren will repudiate his way of thinking by the end of the series. Maybe as early as the next chapter. For the series to not do that would be hypocrisy.

There is no way the story is going to go with an ironic ending where Eren kills everyone and declares himself free while standing atop a pile of rubble.

SNK has employed dramatic irony before, but it has always been straightforward with its main themes. It would not resort to irony here; that would just muddle the message even more.

At this point the series is just mocking Historia fans. Ymir Fritz is also forced into pregnancy and even sits in a wooden chair just like Historia.

But I think this is actually a reason to be hopeful. This is an implicit acknowledgement of how fucking shitty Historia’s nominal situation is.

Ymir is forced to bear children and that is a manifestation of her enslavement. Historia is therefore also a slave by the story’s logic. And since this is a story about breaking free from your enslavement, Historia can only do just that and rain hellfire on the world like how Ymir Fritz seems poised to do here.

…Please?

I don’t know if this was intentional or not, but I love how they throw in a radical feminist take on Ymir Fritz’s life.

Ymir was always thinking about others, and that made her girlish, ie is an obedient slave.

Respect.

[michelles-garden-of-evil]

Episode 19 Review: She Was One of Us

{ YouTube: 1 | 2 }

{ Synopses/Recaps: Debby Graham | Bryan Gruszka }

{ Screencaps }

In the last episode, we saw Jean Paul’s lawyer and Alison’s fiancé Dan depart from the main island, at the behest of Jacques. This means that now all major characters save Vangie are on the isle of Maljardin, prisoners detained guests forced to partake in the funeral that Jean Paul reluctantly agreed to hold for Erica while he waits for her to return from the dead.

We open in the crypt, where Raxl and Quito are leaving flowers on top of the cryonics capsule. Raxl starts talking about how she wants Erica’s soul to “depart to the Great Serpent,” which Jean Paul overhears when he and Alison enter. “You don’t seem to have much faith in the last rites of Christianity,” he remarks. (Look who’s talking!) Jean Paul explains briefly to Alison that Raxl’s religion predates Christianity (which she calls “the new religion”), which soon devolves into yet another “Erica is dead forever and should be buried”/”Erica will rise again” argument. I’ve lost count of how many times he and Alison have argued about this, but I think we’re up to Argument Number #389723. They’re both determined to beat the dead horse until it’s reduced to a pile of smashed bones suitable only for fertilizer.

Colin, are you reading the Teleprompter?

She says that she wishes that he would have Erica put in the ground, and he responds that technically she is. I would call him a smart-ass, but the way he delivers the line doesn’t come across as sarcastic. In fact, at this point on the show, Jean Paul doesn’t seem to have a sense of humor. Jacques is the witty, sarcastic one, and Jean Paul is the serious one with the one-track mind that can only think of Erica. Later on in Desmond Hall, they try to give Jean Paul a sense of humor by having him make a joke every now and then, but it doesn’t work because it goes against his original characterization. Maljardin-era Jean Paul doesn’t joke around and rarely even uses sarcasm.

Despite his humorlessness, he is a joy to look at in this episode. Here he is earlier in the scene with Alison, putting flowers on the capsule and looking just dashing.

Anyway, Jean Paul sends everyone out of the crypt, so that he can have a few moments alone with the capsule. He clasps his hands together as through praying, although whether it’s to the Christian God, the Great Serpent, or himself is unclear because he stays silent.

Back in the great hall, Alison asks Dan and Matt some more about Raxl and Quito’s religious practices and learns that, because their religion considers Christianity heresy, they may refuse to take part in the funeral despite loving Erica. (They attend, anyway, although they do perform their own rites/ritual separately beforehand.)

Alison, the thought of that seems to please you a lot.

Holly comes downstairs and, after a recap conversation with her mother and Tim, goes to see Matt. She starts out by telling him that she’s wary of attending any funerals until her own (because of the quarrel that occurred at her father’s), but then mentions another reason why she doesn’t want to attend and why she couldn’t sleep in the previous episode:

Holly: "Look Reverend, you're going to think this is way off, but last night, I had a very strange nightmare."   Matt: "What about?" Holly: "About me. Like...some kind of a warning."

Raxl, presumably on Holly.

She lights some incense and then a message appears in the writing box where Quito wrote something a moment before. A message from the Serpent about Holly, perhaps?

Holly: "Suddenly, there was this woman, like a priestess, who seemed to be in a temple, she was standing over me with a strange kind of headdress and she looked like my mother." Matt: "Your dreams are beginning to sound like a B-movie. Go on." Holly: "Well, then she said, 'Those who are part of this evil must pay the price.'"

She asks him what the dream means. He declines to answer because he’s not an authority in dream interpretation, but insists that she attend the funeral despite her worries. Because he can’t answer, I shall try to provide one for him based on some of the research that other fans have done on Ian Martin’s original plans for the Maljardin arc.

(WARNING: The YouTube and Maljardin Blog links in the next four paragraphs contain spoilers for later Maljardin episodes.)

For the first nine weeks of Strange Paradise, all episodes were credited to Ian Martin, a veteran actor and soap opera writer who appears to have been quite emotionally invested in the story, as there is evidence that he may have based Erica on his first wife Inge Adams, who also died young. I’ve read a rumor that Krantz Films owner Steve Krantz and his wife Judith (who later became a famous and influential romance novelist) may have ghostwritten some episodes, but there is no evidence to support the presence of any ghostwriters in this period of the show’s history.

Nevertheless, as the Maljardin arc went on, a discrepancy started to appear between the episode summaries in newspapers and the actual content of the episodes that aired starting in Episode 30. Strange Paradise historian Curt Ladnier has written many blog posts on these “lost episodes,” comparing the newspaper listings with the aired episodes and analyzing the changed plot points. Ladnier attributes the changes to executive meddling, requiring Martin to rewrite episode scripts when he was already writing five per week.

One of the most notable changes to these scripts was the omission of a new character named Tarasca, whom the newspaper summary for Episode 42 describes as “a native high priestess in love with Jacques, a French buccaneer.” Because Elizabeth dreamed about being her in the original version of that episode, we can safely assume that the priestess in Holly’s nightmare who resembled her was Tarasca. Also, given that this show mostly uses dream sequences as a means of showing events that happened in the past, we can also infer that, at some point, she sacrificed a young woman who looked identical to Holly, meaning that Martin was most likely planning on writing a 17th-century counterpart for her as well.

Several other early episodes hint at (or appear to hint at) the character of Tarasca and her connection to Elizabeth Marshall, including a cryptic line in Episode 12 where Jacques promises Elizabeth a “change” while she is on Maljardin. For more information and some more speculation about Tarasca’s role and backstory, see this video. I’m a little obsessed with this aborted storyline and have been waiting since October for a chance to discuss it, so, from now on, I’m going to reference it often and provide my own thoughts as to how I think it would have played out.

Erica’s funeral. Why is no one wearing black save for Dan and (obviously) Raxl and Quito? At the very least, Alison should be, because she takes her sister’s funeral more seriously than anyone else.

Jean Paul, I know what you’re thinking, but Reverend Dawson’s not talking about the possibility of Jacques resurrecting her. You really do have a one-track mind.

Jacques: “I do believe Holly needs me to jack her up by the bootstraps.”

Holly’s response to seeing Elizabeth chatting with Jean Paul. Really, Holly? Your mother marrying the richest man in the world *who adores you* is probably the best thing that could possibly happen to you.

After the funeral and a couple boring scenes about Holly’s subplot (there are a lot of references to the stupid Holly portrait in this episode), we see Dan confront Jean Paul about whether the guests can finally leave the island. Even though Jacques re-hired him last episode, he claims to be looking for a new job and he wants to make Alison leave the island with him and return to New York. Before Jean Paul has time to object, Jacques crashes the after-funeral reception, which he treats as a party. Ignoring Dan’s question of whether he and Alison can return to the mainland, he opens up the bar and commences trolling his detained guests:

So not suspicious. ;)

Tim: "With your permission, sir, I would like to propose a toast. To the departed. To Mrs. Desmond!"

Jacques: "Cheers--I mean, thank you."

He also pressures Alison into staying, giving her Dr. Menkin’s lab to use for her research. He then brags to Dan that none of the other guests want to leave and insists that he, too, can if he wants, but he will have to do it himself because it’s too late for Quito to sail him back:

BISSITS!

After the reception, Jacques returns to the crypt and gloats a little to Erica about how he has now imprisoned everyone on Maljardin. The handsome devil once again makes it clear that he doesn’t intend on freeing her and that she, too, is his prisoner. And, of course, he has some pun with it, as one might expect:

Can’t criticize this one, because even Shakespeare made it and I think it’s funny. I like puns, sometimes, just not terrible puns like the “pose” one from last episode.

Not even a detained guest anymore?

I think I just broke my comedy drum set. ;)

Coming up next: Another episode with a flashback to Maljardin in 1689, which means another two-parter. I also have a special essay in the works about the copyright status of Strange Paradise in the United States, which may surprise you. (It certainly surprised me.) Stay tuned for all these posts, as well as the Bad Subtitle Special for Week 4 after the Episode 20 review.

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