#but like the bathroom bill thats passing is like stressful

[a-little-bit-poss]

.

[fuck-ur-selfie]

Bill Kaulitz |Sfw|

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?). Bill always opens doors for you, he will smack your hand away if you try and do it yourself.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) He offered you to go back stage with him and the group after a show. He's goofy, always goofy.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) He would spoon you. He also loves when you let him put his head on your lap and just relax.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?) Bill literally hates cleaning but hes okay at cooking, hes not the best considering he almost burnt down the kitchen a few times, but that's only a few times.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) He would buy you something, like a basket of chocolate or something and give it too you with a break up note in it, and leave it on your door step.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Bill would most defiantly wait until you guys are like on your 4th anniversary and then propose to you.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) Bill is very gentle, if you guys are play fighting he will stop and make sure you are alright.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) He loves hugs, especially in a moment where a hug is deeply needed.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) 2 months into your guys relationship, maybe even sooner.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) (jealous s^x 4 sure) Literally will walk over to you and signal to the closest bathroom, closet, etc.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) You love when bill kisses you on your neck, its your weakness. Bill is very passionate about it aswell.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) He is amazing with them, he will play all sorts of games with them.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Cuddling, talking about random things that come to mind for sure.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Watching movies, gossiping about things and people, and obvi cuddling.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) I feel like bill would wait and reveal things slowly.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) He is surprisingly patient with you, well with everyone aswell.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?) He remebers everything about you, i mean sometimes he will forget a little but thats only because of the stress of the shows, etc.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) When bill bought a promise ring and "proposed" to you with it and had a whole paragraph to read to you.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) Very protective, if something bad happened to you, he would be on it in a second.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)A lot of effort, I think once he rented out a whole ass trampoline place just for the two of you so you wouldn't be bothered by anyone.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) Bill defiantly bites his nails when he is nervous and hates when you do it.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) Bill could care less what he looks like.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Yes and no, Tom and you are his #1.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) He loves when you dress up with him, like random eras.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) He hates when someone doesnt like Tom, or you. But mostly Tom.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) Bro can sleep for 6000000000 years if he could💀

[queencryo]

two days ago, red and i woke up in laramie wyoming, with a battle plan. that is to say, paralyzing uncertainty and anxiety. i checked out of our hotel, and asked some advice. locals said that going south on US289 would probably be safe, so we did just that. it was... laughably fine, lmao. i was still terrified, but i spent most of the time after we got out of town (and saw that it was legitimately just fine lmfao) planning. winter storm was coming in later that evening, that would close off pretty mluch every mountin opass north of the panhandle. i spent a lot of time on reds phone checking utah DOT websites, google maps, planning out routes. it felt like a flurry of activity, all routed thru a cell phone that wasnt even mine.

Come colorado, i took over a bit west of denver. not realizing that ahead of us in our route was a huge mountain pass at like 12000 feet elevation. it waas kind of terrifying. thank fucking god it was entirely dry with only small patches of ice.

a little after that, we agreed to ride through utah, then soithwest along to new vegas as was the original plan two weeks ago. only problem was that the mountain pass in monticello was likely to be blocked by the storm. so we drove as fast as fucking possble to moab, along the way speeding by numerous beautiful mountains n shit. red took over a bit before moab, and i resumed freantically monitoring road conditions. we also stopped at like three gas stations in moab, getting a coffee in each one and asking if they thought the monticello pass would stay clear. the consensus was 'idk yeah probably'.

we get to monticello. its snowing. off the road, theres a good foot or so of buildup. we followed a garbage truck for a while, but pulled in at a gas station when it did. to assess. the clerk said eh just follow a plow and youll be fine. i go to the bathroom, where the fuckl is red.... why is there an eighteenwheeler where our car was. oh, she and the car are stuck in the snow in the next parking lot over. apparently she had to move the car to get out of the way of the truckers who were now moving to the fistfighting stages of arguing about fifty feet away. fighting stances n shit, yelling. I went inside to get help, since i didnt know what i was doing. got help from a family who was at subway (mostly the dad, josh). he didnt know stuff, but he gave me the confidence and additional pushing that i needed to plan and execute helping alice do a three point turn to get baclk to tjhe travelled portion of the road. thanks josh!

a lil after that, a sbowplow went by and we attempted to follow it! (engaging with some youths who pulled a scooter from the snow for some reason??? they offered to help us get unstuck but it didnt really be necessary as it turned out!)

and so began our trek down the mountain. it was... scary as FUCK, for me anyway. i remember playing country roads (in part as propitiation to the mountain) and then that one detektivbyran album i listen to. keep my anxiety in check. red did all the snow driving, cuz she learned to drive in new mexico so she knows some stuff abt snow. We couldnt see more than twenty feet ahead of us at basically any time, and she later told me that at multiple points we were actually sliding. waugh. eventually, tho, like 30 minutes or so (felt longer) the snow turned to rain. and the roads were blessedly clear.

shortly afterward, i took over. the plan was to drive as long aspossible due west, along smaller highways, possibly all the way to st. george. neither of us really had it in us thoc 'o we had to stop around 10, in kayenta. still, thats a solid 13 hours of travel, some of them extremely stressful. i dont think we did too bad at all.

yesterday, we went from kayenta to primm. i originally wanted to sleep in goodsprings, but upon cursory research, turns out its a ghost town witha population of 160, no hotels. didnt have it in us to camp last night, so we stayed in the buffalo bill resort and casino. the inspiration for the bison steve resort in nv!! this is honestly the nicest hotel room ive ever been in, and the price is 10 dollars more than our motel 6 in laramie. highly recommend if ur in primm for some reason.

[bettywhiterip]

Moving out for the first time

Moving out tips:

Obvious but save, I know when you don’t have to pay rent and bills, its easier to spend your money on stuff you want with out thinking, but listen you need every penny when you move into a place, its very very expensive.

Invest before moving out in a cheap storage unit and go thrifting, do this in advance of moving out, start looking and go to flea markets, go to facebook market some of it is free, what ever you don’t end up needing you can later sell, but when you move in someplace huge chunks of your money go to furniture and items, so get when you can.

Dollar tree! Its a beautiful place, for decorative and more importantly food, yes food, from dollar tree, spices and seasonings are hella expensive but at dollar tree its well…. A dollar, buy and shop at dollar tree for everything you can, plates, cups, silverware, kitchen bubblies, bathroom supplies, cleaning supplies, decorative items, candles, anything you need that dollar tree has, please buy from them and save your money.

Don’t be afraid to ASK, ask for help ask if people have stuff they don’t need, ask ask ask. Its not shameful to do.

Get the essentials, I know this is common sense but sometimes its hard to not buy the pretty things for your new place, but you need to worry about your needs before your wants.

BUDGET. BUDGET GOOD. Please, otherswise you are drowning with stress and worry about money.

Don’t be afraid to go to local food pantry and such, I go to my school campus cupboard, its prepackaged food, all picked out for me and it's free, it can be a lifesaver once your near the end of the month and short on money, don’t be too proud.

BUILD YOUR CREDIT. It is sooooo important, I mean when I had to move out I didn’t have any credit, and I couldn’t even get frontier because I had no credit, it was during the pandemic and I was enrolled in college so I HAD to have internet but couldn’t get it because my credit was non existent, easy way to build credit is get a crest card and put very little on it and always pay it off, maybe just put a Hulu or Spotify subscription on it AND THATS IT, pay it off every month and build your credit that way.

Get a savings account, put most of your money in there before moving out and save that way, seriously, act like you have less money than you have, and save it for when you need it, because you will end up needing it.

Befriend your neighbors!, even if it’s just waving as you pass by and maybe having a short chat every once in a while, build repor with them, even if you hate them, because if you live in a neighborhood, and you just moved in EVERYONE will be looking at you, watching you and your behavior, so befriend them, it could definitely come in handy later on down the road.

Make sure you have all you due dates written down and make sure you always have enough in your account to cover them at least, last thing you want is to forget a due date and get behind, keep a book of them and put it somewhere you will remember in a frequent vistted spot.

Plan dinner for the week, it saves you groceries, don’t just go willy nilly in the store buying whatever, you will end up wasting food, and money, plan ahead for the week, or have just the bare bones of it and get what is needed day of, this way food doesn’t sit in the fridge and go bad.

You might be tempted to celebrate the first week of moving in and buying junk food, take out, and spending a bit more than usual. DONT DO THIS. Even if you aren’t worried about money, the first month of moving in and living there WILL be surprise expenses, and if there aren’t still plan for them.

[noritoshiikamo]

tee, is it ok to ask a personal question? :> when you met your partner, were the eight cats with you already? if so, how did he act around them at first? i find that most partners in a relationship would be overwhelmed if the other has such a huge amount of animals under their care 🥺 i know that it was a deal-breaker for this couple, so rlly curious to find out how he responded.

but wowww the babies live with you both, right? i cannot imagine the fees that you guys spend on them monthly. for the sake of the plants i see in the pictures haha i hope they aren't as unruly as the ones i see on the internet lmaooo my experience with cats are pretty chill ones tho, they just really like to stare a lot, i sometimes feel the need to close my door hAHAHAA

behkbhbfr bb my whole blog is based on invading my personal space so any personal question is welcome kith kith

yes! my partner knew i have a lot of cat from start, i actually have 10 at that time but two of them passed away (one of them bit my partner out of spite jhbefjhbrj i think he thought i was replacing him) and he doesn't mind. his parents actually have a lot of cats too, so he's used to it. there was no issue with him living with all my cats and i've made it clear that my cats not his responsibility bcs they are mine but he still helps around with them and im grateful for that

i cant stop stressing about how expensive it is to own one cat, let alone 8 really because they have no one to depend on other than me, thats what i always remind my friends if they were thinking about adopting cats. we had to fork out money to build like an area for them for when we dont want them to roam in the house usually when we have guests, we only buy high quality food which is super expensive and we have to buy the biggest bag bcs its actually cheaper, they also eat freshly boiled chickens as treats. dont get me started with vet bills. we made sure that all the males are neutered at first and in process to neutered the females. but yeah having cats are really like having baby, we dont see ourselves planning to have human baby in few years lol.

i could never close my bedroom door bcs one of them, boba, he lives in my bedroom basically, we sleep together, work together and sometimes when hes extra clingy he'll be in the bathroom while i shower. he even sat on me when im doing business on the bowl, istg no privacy at all. he has separation issue, if we left him, he will start screaming or if we close the door he will bang on it. no jokes.

dont worry about the plants they are actually hung around the walls so my cats cant get their teeth on it bcs some of them are poisonous to them. but yeah so far my experience with my cats are pretty chill too, they are my babies i love them with my whole heart

would die for them

[foxaes]

I just wanna bleach... my hair... n dye it pink again.... one of our cats is incurably sick, ones Mysteriously Bleeding and bled all over the bathroom (shes acting fine!!), three of our frogs passed, my toe is fractured, backs thrown out, I have two more weeks of work till my leave and i just wanna dye my hair . so bad. out of stress

but thats like. $450 bc my hair hates bleach and Thats almost as much as we owe in VET BILLS

[oboevallis]

the convenience store pt 2

After the passive aggressive comments about her pregnancy and boyfriend had passed they had all settled down for dinner. Her sisters didn’t bring their kids as they were all busy with their respective activities and couldn’t stand the dinner. So at the dining room table were the four couples and Carolyn.

“Mom can you just explain why your selling it?” Lizzie asked.

“I’ve been over this, can we just drop it girls?”

Carolyn expectingly looked at the four of her daughters and waited for them to nod in agreement. The remainder of the dinner was relatively quiet. Afterward Amelia and Lizzie went to help their mother with the dishes while everyone else interrogated Link.

“You haven’t explained it to me yet.” Amelia suddenly said while she was drying a dish her sister had passed to her.

“Amelia, I’m getting to old to run the store. There are way too many bad memories attached to the place.” Carolyn sighed.

“There are countless good memories there mom. Is this what dad would’ve wanted?” Once she said that last part she regretted it after seeing her mothers face.

“You girls can finish up here. I’m going up to bed. Good night.” Carolyn said leaving the kitchen.

“That was a little uncalled for.” Lizzie said to her little sister.

“Well am I wrong?”

“No, but we can’t force her to keep it.” Amelia rolled her eyes in response.

“I just can’t believe she wants to sell it.”

“Me either, but it’s her store we can’t tell her what to do. And I mean she is getting old, Amelia.”

“Mom is not getting old.”

“Your just in denial. Maybe it’s a good thing, she’s slowing down, some days I think she’s going to over work herself.” The two sisters continued cleaning the dishes quietly when Kathleen walked in the kitchen.

“Mom seems upset is she okay?” Kathleen asked while she propped herself up to sit on the counter.

“Amelia asked ‘is this what dad would’ve wanted’ and mom got upset.” Lizzie answered, which caused her to get punched in the arm.

“That was kind of rude Amy.” Kathleen reprimanded.

“We were all thinking it.” Amelia commented.

“Dad would be mad at all of us. For everything thats happened since he died. Mom not raising you, resulting in you getting a drug habit.” Kathleen said gesturing toward Amelia. “Nancy getting pregnant before marriage, and a matter a fact you too. How Derek handled his marriage after Addie cheated. How Lizzie stayed with her cheating husband. How we treated Derek after the divorce, and not really staying in contact with him. God, he’d be so pissed.”

“I noticed you didn’t say anything you’ve done that would make dad mad.” Amelia said getting annoyed with her sister.

“Because he wouldn’t be mad with me.” Kathleen smirked.

“Whatever.” Lizzie chuckled, while Amelia groaned and rolled her eyes.

_________________________________________________

A couple of days had past, and Carolyn had officially sold the store. All they had to do was clean everything out. The family were taking their last walk through of the store before handing the keys over to the new owners.

“Mom, remember when Amy was born?” Nancy asked, she remembered her and her siblings had to stay at their grandmothers for a week, because of the hurricane the roads weren’t safe to drive on.

“Hmm yes.” Carolyn reminisced.

“Carolyn you should really slow down.” Her husband told her as he directed her towards a chair in the back of their store.

“Chris that is totally unnecessary. We’ve got a lot to do. In a matter of weeks we’ll have five children. Five.” Carolyn said as she stood up.

“Carolyn, there is a hurricane going on outside. No one is coming in here, and the rest of our kiddos are at your mothers. We can get the work done whenever. You need to relax.”

“Exactly, since it’s slow we have a bunch of time to do the tasks that need to be done.”

“Okay, I’ll do what needs to be done. You just relax, deal?”

“You never do it right though.”

“You’ll never slow down will you?” Her husband chuckled, as his wife got up to continue what she was doing.

“Probably not.” Carolyn smirked before she gasped.

“What’s wrong?” Christopher frantically asked, before he realized why his wife had gasped. “Oh, wow.”

“Great timing.” Carolyn sarcastically said, looking down at the puddle beneath her.

“O-okay. Umm I’ll call in Bill, he can handle the store while we get you to the hospital.” Carolyn just nodded in response to her husband, she was flustered none of her previous children were early.

“We’re having a baby in the middle of a hurricane Chris.” His wife chuckled nervously.

“Our little hurricane.” Christopher smirked.

“This is where Derek taught me how to tie my shoes.” Amelia told her boyfriend as they stood by the window looking out to the street.

“Ok Amy put your foot on top of the window pane so you can reach it easier.” Derek told his little sister as he did the same. “So we’re gonna take both laces, put one over the other, and then pull them tight tight tight.”

“Derek, I just can’t do it.” Amelia said starting to get annoyed with her brother teaching her, she couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just do it for her forever.

“Yes you can, now let’s keep going. So now we’re going to make one bunny ear, and then we will loop the other string around it. Now we’ve made a hole, and we’re just gonna pull and now you’ve tied your shoes.” Derek concluded looking over to his little sister who kept struggling.

“I just can’t do it.”

“Yes you can.” Derek reminded her, they kept repeating the process over and over again until it clicked for the little girl.

“I did it Derek!” Amelia exclaimed, engulfing her big brother in a hug.

“I always knew you could.”

“Amy come over here.” Lizzie said, standing where the chip aisle would’ve been. “The dents still on the floor.”

“You ready to race?” Lizzie asked her little sister. She loved to race with her since she knew she’d always win. With her older sisters and brother she never could beat them, but with Amy she always had the satisfaction of winning.

“Yep.” Amelia toothily grinned. She had a plan this race. She never could quite win anything when she played with her older siblings, but this time she had devised a plan.

“On your marks, set, go.” Lizzie exclaimed as she bolted off to started to run in between the aisles. Amelia had been able to keep up with her sister for once, but she could see it would most likely be a tie, and the younger sister was determined to win. Once they were on the last aisle of the race, Amelia rammed into her sister making her fall over. So Amelia made it to their imaginary finish line, but Lizzie ended up on the floor with a chipped tooth and blood everywhere. That was the only time she could remember her father ever yelling at her.

Amelia laughed at the memory her sister was implying too.

“Remember when Kathleen had that pregnancy scare.” Amelia whispered to her sister.

“How could I forget? That’s the only time I’ve seen Kathleen a mess.” Lizzie chuckled.

“How long do these usually take?” Kathleen asked anxiously, as she paced the bathroom.

“Five minutes.” Nancy said keeping her eyes on the test, when she was supposed to be ensuring no one came in.

“What ever happens it’s going to be okay. We’re all her for you.” Addison, Derek’s new girlfriend tried to console. It had originally only been Addison who knew about this, but Nancy later found out as well and encouraged her sister to take the test. So now they were in the bathroom of the family’s store taking a pregnancy test.

“What’s going on in here?” Lizzie asked walking into the bathroom.

“You were supposed to be watching the door, Nancy!” Kathleen exclaimed visibly stressed.

“Woah woah woah, who’s pregnancy test is that?” Amelia asked coming in behind Lizzie. Kathleen rushed to the door to block it preventing anyone else coming into the small room.

“No one should be in here, nor know about this.” Kathleen said with her hands in her face, as she started to cry. “God, I can’t do this. I can’t be pregnant right now.”

“Well, good thing your not.” Addison smiled holding up the negative pregnancy test.

Amelia and Lizzie laughed at the memory.

“You two better not be laughing at what I think your laughing at.” Kathleen said coming up behind the two.

“Come on it was funny, and it was only funny because everything worked out in the end.” Lizzie chuckled walking away.

Once Kathleen walked away following her sister Amelia made her way towards the back of the store, to the place she was when her father died. She attempted to lower herself to the floor before her boyfriend came up behind her.

“Hey, whatcha doing?” Link asked standing his girlfriend up.

“Can you lift this floorboard up?” Amelia asked tapping her foot on the floorboard.

“Ooookay?” Link agreed, mildly confused. Link was surprised when the floorboard came up rather easily revealing a pile of pennies. He looked up to see Amelia sadly smiling. His girlfriend held out her hand, and he put the pennies into it.

“Thank you.” Amelia whispered, looking down at the pennies in her hand. While her boyfriend put the floorboard back into place. After having the pennies in her hand, she realized they didn’t need the store to remember their father.

[dyinglaugh]

The place I work at is an international company that looks super great on paper and shows the best face to customers and the outside world. In fact, they suck ass. Like a lot. They want to have robots do thier work and such for them but instead have humans that they work like slaves. No, really. I am not exaggerating. If you are unable to complete a shift, you get points/time taken and when you're in the negative you're fired. Sounds reasonable but when you have medical problems or family emergencies you're still penalized and not excused (you have to use time you have to cover any missed shift time). I have medical issues that can be accommodated but the process is such with this company that it makes you just throw your hands up and quit, so I havent tried (the process is convoluted and arduous on purpose to make workers not want to do this). I have stories from friends who also work here that will make youre blood boil.

1: My coworker has a daughter that is now 7-8years old. When she was 4, she had gotten very sick and needed to go to the hospital and stay for a while to get better. My coworker, upon getting that call at work went to management and requested to leave early as this was at the time an emergency. He didn't have time left (idk why) but wanted to be with his 4 year old child to make sure she was OK. When management noticed he had no time available all they said was "you can go but you may be fired for leaving early with not enough time" (paraphrased). He couldn't leave his job there as getting fired meant no money to buy food, pay the hospital, pay bills, etc. So he was then forced to continue working while his child was sick. (She's ok now though.)

2: Another coworker had gotten a frantic call from her daughter that the family dog (that was in my coworkers life before her daughter was even born) had been hit by a car, dragged by the car, and is now fighting for its life to see its owner before it died, needed her home to say goodbye. My coworker, crying/sobbing that her best friend for many years was going to suffer in wait, went to a manager and explained the situation. Upon seeing that my coworker had no time left to leave early, the manager then made her follow him around to talk to other managers to "see what they can do". The dog died in the street, without her human (my coworker) because the managers decided to dawdle and make her walk with them knowing full well what they were doing. At some point my coworker called her daughter to find out that the dog died while she being dragged around the warehouse with a manager who was "looking for a way to help" when in reality all that was accomplished was a waste of time and a life lost.

3: In order to enter the warehouse, you have to go through security and the turnstiles and then get your temp checked by a thermal camera. The second you open the doors to get to the turnstiles, there are 6-7feet tall industrial style fans to cool your skin temp before being checked. So if you have a fever and enter the building, your temp is reduced by these fans enough so that you can continue to work and make the company profit. They said that its to cool the building down but there are literally hundreds of fans everywhere to do that. So why do these ones need to be placed specifically by the doors?

4: We are encouraged to tattle on coworkers when we see a "violation". Such things include sitting anywhere besides the breakdown or lunchroom. We stand for 10.5 hours. The entire fucking shift. And get in trouble for being in pain caused by this. Also, if we need a bathroom break, we have 6 minutes to do that. This includes getting to a bathroom (2mins), doing your business, and then getting back to where you were. Many people have been written up, including myself (lactose intolerant=bad night) for being "off task " for more than 30mins that shift simply by going to the bathroom a few times. Drink less? The warehouse is typically between 75-90 degreesF (winter versus summer) and quite a few people EVERY WEEK pass out due to heat stress or dehydration, so less water isn't an option.

I dont have those types of problems at the moment where a life will be lost or is in trouble and i hope it never happens. I had heard these stories from my coworkers and I suspect that managers get reprimanded for trying to be lax about the more ridiculous rules. I myself am going through the problem of not being able to apply for medical leave. I'm in the negatives with time as I type this because every single person I've been emailing to fix my system issues in the portal to open a case, has blown me off. I dont know why this company treats the workers so shitty, except they are worldwide and literally every single person uses thier services. I won't say the name since id like to not be fired but I will give the hint that its an online store with the same name as a big tropical jungle. I've talked to managers there that i can tell hate the policies that work against the workers (alot of the policies do) and the good managers are frustrated too.

The system designed by the company is basically like this: low-level worker is promoted slightly and given 50%-100% more work than before with promise of a better pay and such and all they have to do is enforce the policies and step on people to do exactly that. They themselves are still being trampled by the higher ups while being promised that they will get bigger boots to stomp on low-level workers the better they work.

I despise this company so much that I tell every single person the horrors the company will do and will cover up in order to deter them from using thier services. I understand that prices found through this company are better than almost every other company so its just cost effective with people. I dont condemn people for using that company at all actually. Just those who, despite knowing the hardships and harsh treatments of the workers, laugh and still use it saying, " if its so bad why not leave?"

I'll tell you why. Because the company pays ok enough and offers ok enough benefits that we the workers feel trapped. If we leave, who will hire people that have very few skills since they spent years in a warehouse? If we leave, how will we find a better or equal paying job ($15-16/hr starting)? I have hunted and searched for such a job because of my frustration and found absolutely nothing. This company traps workers in a way that makes it so impossible to leave that many fall victim to depression or other mental/physical illness.

Speaking of, I have heard in the half year of working there of at least 3 people almost killing themselves- thats right SUICIDE- due to the stress. In response, the company sends out information and messages and notifications about Suicide Awareness and Prevention. AS IF THEY DONT KNOW THAT THEYRE THE CAUSE. I personally have thought, " if I kill myself, the company can leave me alone. I wont have to work here anymore and suffer almost every night through inconceivable pain without hope of going home". See, I have chronic migraines that put me out of commission for 20 out of 30days a month. Not only have I worked while sobbing and not being able to see or breathe (one of many symptoms I have) I've been forced to continue working until my illness has progressed until I can no longer function. I can't move or see or breathe or hear or anything at that point. I can only focus on one thing and its typically forcing myself to CONTINUE WORKING because the company doesn't care enough to let me leave early. I end up having panic attacks in the bathroom and vomiting due to the pain. This company, as far as I've heard through people I've talked to everywhere, hasn't officially killed people. Unofficially, i had talked to someone that had almost overdosed in order to be free of the company.

Now, I dont include names simply because I'm not a rat or snitch or whistle blower or etc. and because I dont want them to get in trouble for speaking out. I am posting this here because hopefully, its anonymous enough that I dont get in trouble either. I just hope that before anyone chooses to use this company (that has the same name as a jungle), they remember this post. I hope that this is spread everywhere so that everyone knows the horrors the workers have to deal with. I hope so much that someone reads this and chooses to spend that extra dollar on a different website to not add to this billionaires' pockets. Please, repost. Spread this around and add stories of your own because you're not alone. I promise.

[lukalew]

- - - The Affectionner - - A Creepypasta Origin

Axel Coss, black haired boy, with a white streak of hair going down the middle of his front hair. Strange really, not many kids a white streak of hair. But, moving on from that, he lived with his mom, Cece Coss, his dad, James Coss, and his two brothers, Ames and A.J. Triplets of course, they did everything together . Play, draw, clean, and otherwise. They all five lived in St. George, Utah, on a empty land, with their house and field. After the triplets were born tho, James and Cece decided to move to Kansas. But that didn't work out well. So, they moved to Mississippi. Where the triplets are now 15. School was pretty easy and all, everyone loved them. Well, the majority of people in their school. Axel was really the quiet and calm one, Ames, the short tempered, and A.J, the awkward type. So, they all kinda just stuck together like a pod. A couple more and now they are all 25 , well...two are at least. Ames and Axel- now , A.J ... when he turned to the age of 22, he got kidnapped and was tortured to death. LITERALLY. Nobody was able to find him. Until 2 months later, after he died he was found in a rusty old grey building. Almost looking like it was gonna collapse. His face torn, ripped...his arm and legs broken. It was just a nightmare, but thats only the start of it.

Ames got pretty emotional afterwards - Axel didn't say much after as well. He sometimes stayed in his room for hours , not eating, sleeping, nothing really, just thinking. 4 months passed and later on, Cece and James had been kidnapped by the same guys from when A.J was. And the parents died as well. The kidnappers had been caught and taken to jail. Ames soon left Axel, and if he was being honest to himself..he was glad Ames left. After everything that happened Ames started to drink and abuse Axel. Thats when his life became even more of a living hell. Work got harder, the bills were too much, and nothing could really make him happy at this point. Except for thing. Stitching. He would stitch blankets, stuffed animals, and when he got a bad cut- sometimes even himself. That was the only thing...for now. He was like cursed or something. Thats when he got to point- - -"Your fired." "What?" his voice shuddered as he clicked his pen a few times. "Your..FIRED!! You always mess up on the cars when we are on break- and you are too quiet- good for nothing piece of roadkill!" his boss, Keith, screeched as he took a fair raise of the hand and slapped him across his ear to mouth-that somehow cutting him. I mean, he was holding a wrench so- that probably why. Axel gently ran his finger down his face from his ear to mouth and felt the blood rushing out. "O-okay, under-s-stood..sir." the male exhaled taking th scarf he brought in with him because it was usually cold in the warehouse. Axel slid it on and ran home. At this point it was too much. He sat on the dining room chair rethinking his entire existence. "Do i even matter?...Of course i don't- not to my parents, not to my boss, ...not to my family.." out of the corner of his eye- he spotted a small, brown and white gun. "Thats it..." he said to himself, with a faint- but crazy smile. He walked to the gun, and made sure it was loaded. The black haired male pointed it to his heart and shot himself. Blood splattering on the wall and carpet. No screams, no cries, no pain. With the last bit of energy that he had, he shot himself in the head...

"Hey! Ax! Over here!" his brother A.J shouted waving from the field. He smiled softly and ran to the other versions of him. "whats up?" he asked kneeling down to his height. "Why do you always wear that scarf? It kinda looks like its from the eighteen hundreds." Ames spoke lifting a piece of the scarf up from Axel's neck. "Well, this girl at school gave it to me." He laughed softly rubbing the back of his neck. "Ooooooo!- Axel has a crush! Axel has a cru-" Ames interrupted what A.J said by pushing him backwards- "Oh shut up, its probably just a present." he sighed. "Whatever you say, maybe you should ask her out! Whats her name??" A.J declared getting up and picking some dandelions from the ground and putting them in his hair. "O-Oh uhh, her name is Jane-." Axel slightly blushed. Ames sighed laying down with his hands behind his head. "Yup, just as i expected- good old Jane Arkensaw.. she's kinda a brat if you ask me." "H-hey! Thats not true, she's actually really nice if you get to know her." A.J looked confused. "Isn't she the one who hasn't been coming to school for some time?" Ames glared at A.J- "Yes, yes she is." Axel replied taking the dandelions out of A.J's hair and putting them in a row at the top of his black silk hair, seeing he was struggling to put them in since they just get falling out. "i hope she's okay tho..."

HIs eyes shot open and then rubbed his head. "just another stupid nightmare..." he calls them nightmares because, well to him they are just painful memories. He put on his boots and looked at the calendar, "Huh....Macy Stars...well, this should be fun." He sighed and git his scalpel, stitching utensils, needles, thread, and his scarf. Ax put the scarf on and walked out with his drawstring bag.

(This is the bag btw)

He followed the directions where it told him to go. Now, he would normally go on his own free will and time, but it was like Slender decided when she dies. He shrugged it off and soon arrived. "This must be it huh?" Ax sighed ruffling his own hair a bit so his scar would show as much. He thought if you had scars it makes you weak, can't take care of your self. Anyways, he quietly entered through her back door,which was unlocked. "Who leaves their back door unlocked at a time like this?" The medium hight male said looking at the sunset and took in a deep breath then exhaled. That sorta calmed him down. Axel walked up the stairs and looked in the bathroom to see her doing her makeup. He had to admit she was beautiful, but still worthless to him. She was in fact a girl that went to his school. "There we go!" She smiled at herself in the mirror and did a duck face as if the mirror was taking a photo of her. She was really nice to him and all, but he didn't care, he didn't care about any of the victims of his. "They don't deserve this love...." he shuddered under his breath. Axel walked in holding a scalpel and his eyes now looking fully gold. The brown faded away, no mercy in his look. Macy spotted him in the mirror and screamed backing up her back hitting the sink. "How did you get in my house?!" She screamed and reached for a small mirror of hers and hid it behind her. "That's a pretty stupid question to ask...more concerned how I got in your house...then how your gonna survive this? Well, I can answer that for you. Your not." He walked to her and slashed the scalpel across her face- giving her a scar as well, "OWW- YOU LITTLE-" She screamed in pain holding one side of her face and taking the mirror and trying to hit him with it. Axel sighed seeing her on the ground, she had fell. He bent down, and grabbed her arms- putting them together. "W-wh-What are you doing....?!" She asked in a shaky tone. No response, he softly held them tightly tighter and took out his stitching utensils and started to weave her arms together. "Ow stop please!!" She begged trying to kick him- but he was almost done with the stitching process. Is she really that weak, stitches don't even hurt that bad, it's like poking yourself with a sharp en or pencil. Macy looked down at her sewn arms and her eyes as wide as the galaxy. "I really don't like loud noises you know... so, if you would have just been quiet I wouldn't had have to do this.." he softly whispered in her ear and sew her mouth together. No matter how hard she tried to scream- it was all just muffled noises. "There we go. Now, if you don't mind me, I will proceed to kill you." Her eyes were wider now. Tears formed in her eyes and just looked down. "Aww.. come on now-" he started to say, lifting up her chin and wiping the tears away. "I'm just putting you out of your misery- we only live in this world to die, it just is stressful for me to see people in pain like this." That was a lie of course. He didn't care if his victims were hurt, physically or mentally.

He cut open her stomach and found her heart. "There it is..." he took another piece of thread and needle then started to stitch a X into her heart. Soon, a golden piece of light came out of her heart and Axel held his arm out-the light transferred to his arm and he sighed in relief. "That felt good," he thought then looked down at Macy. "You know, life is as valuable as your love.." he smiled then ripped her heart out in one light pull. Her body falling to the floor . He smiled softly and set the heart near her makeup. He always set the heart of theirs next to something they loved. "Now that that's done," he sighed getting up and grabbing all his things and heading out.

His appearance strikes so many people, sometimes he would pretend to be a human to lure in victims. He is a handsome, kind, boy- so it's pretty easy. But he doesn't do it often, only when there's nobody really good to kill.

He still has his black hair with the white streak. And of course, he wear a big grey scarf around his neck with a small black X at the bottom of the end of the scarf. A beige, sorta brown jacket. Sometimes he would wear a black zipped up leather coat, but that's only when it's really cold outside. Black pants with a chain going form the top right corner of his belt, to the lower half of his left side. Sorta like his scar. Black boots with a stitched in X at the bottom corner of both boots. Some witnesses have said he is a tall, around 5'5 , male. Some people say he takes in emotions, that's not really it tho...

See, what he can do is- he only takes peoples lives, who get a lot of love, and give a lot of love, and not really sad people. He would climb through their windows at night , or when they are alone. But in some cases he just breaks in wherever he can. Axel is a ghost, spirit, otherwise. But he doesn't really like doing all of that appearing in thin air thing. Ever since people have reported sightings of him, he tries his bets you stay of out sight. Axel will use his stitches to sew a big X into their heart so he can acquire all the love that has been given to the person, or, the love that they have to share. If they attempt to scream or fight back, he will sew their mouths closed- or arms and legs together. The reason he takes the affection from his victims is because, his parents gave him none- and when he was alive, nobody gave him any either. After some time, the affection runs out, so he needs to restock it every 2-4 days. If one of his victims try to give him affection before they die, he will go to their height smile at them , and say...

"Im afraid ...your love means nothing to me.."

He also has another famous quote which is..

"Life is as valuable as your love."

If he were to go on a mission with a creepypasta - his most compatible people would be

-Puppeteer

-Jason The Tomaker

-Eyeless Jack

- Laughing Jack

- Jane The Killer

- Sally

- Zero

- and Judge Angels

[fuck-customers]

so i work at what i like to call, shitwill, the retail/thrift store for almost 5 years. as an employee, you're trained to eventually do everything (sort, hang, wares, donations, cashier, cleaning, etc.) and its a very easy job and starts above minimum wage but what makes it so bad is customers/donors.

If you ever come in, ask a question and we say no, we're not saying it to get a reaction out of you. we have a lot of rules we have to follow, or we will be fired. yeah you can talk to my manager about changing a price, but we have policies about that too, so you probably still wont like their answer either. 

like, i know and understand if it wasnt for them, we wouldnt have a job. but let me just start on donors.

also, from what ive noticed, all shitwill stores/divisions/states/regions work different from each other. this is my store, in my state, in my region, in my division.

and these things wouldnt be bad if they were unique, but no, these things occur almost every day, if not actually every day

- first off, if you donate, ask yourself, "would someone want to pay x amount of dollars for this in a thrift store in the condition its currently in?", "would i buy USED underwear?", "should i donate this bag of stuff that smells weird?", "should i donate clothes that were stored in a shed for x amount of years?", "should i donate it if it needs fixing?" hint: if any is answered with no, then dont fuckin donate it. throw it away if you pull up and someone's already in front of you, please just wait in your car. we only are allowed to schedule 1 person to take donations. so dont get out, walk past whoever is taking the donation, and go inside. just fuckin wait. IF YOU DONATE IN THE SUMMER/SPRING/LAST WEEK OF THE YEAR: PLEASE, PLEASE be patient. these are our busiest times of the year, so there will be lines. - please dont show up with truck loads, PLEASE. it stresses everyone out bc especially in those mentioned times, our production area is FULL. like, safety hazards bc our donations are 2 feet from the ceiling.  - NO WE CANNOT BACKDATE A DONATION RECEIPT ONCE IT IS PASSED 12/31 OF THAT YEAR. you've got all year to donate. if you didnt get a receipt with the year that you donated it, thats youre bad bro - loose donations are such a bitch to deal with, it'd be really cool if you'd donate in a bag or box. - "i'd like to donate but i'd like to keep my box" is so irritating to hear.  - dont argue with us if we say we can't take something. we're very giving with what we take, bc people do donate their actual trash, but its 99% because of a safety issue.  - if your truck load of donations is shit you've cleaned out of a house/storage units/apartments and its all absolute trash and you know it by just looking at it, don't bother, just drive to your local dump. as soon as we take your stuff in, its being ran to the compactor immediately - NO WE CANNOT GIVE YOU ANY DONATIONS WE'RE TRASHING. WE AS EMPLOYEE'S WILL LOSE OUR JOBS. DON'T FUCKING ASK. - no sir, we dont need one of the men to help carry this couch in. any females coming to get your donation, can in fact carry it. we wont break, i promise :) - pls dont donate in the last 2 hours, or before we open. and if no one comes out, just pile it outside. we'll get it either that night or first thing in the morning. 

and as a cashier dealing with customers

- in general, our customer base is an older audience, and it seems we attract a certain kind. ones who whine bc we dont have chairs up front, ones who find a nice blouse and complain they have to pay 3.99 when it came from kohls and was originally $50, still has original tags attached. just a bunch of rude older ladies -mothers who bring their kids and let them roam, they're running around almost tripping some of the elder customers, making messes, climbing on our racks, which are on wheels. just watch your kids, please - please please please dont come in in the last 30 minutes. and if you come in within 2 hours of close, notice employees cleaning or everything looks neat and clean, don't make a mess. - it'd be cool if ya'll can go home and destroy your own bathrooms with your explosive diarrhea. this happens way too often - please dont take a piled up cart into the dressing room and leave it all. if anything, ask the cashier what you should do with the pieces.  - oh, that store in the state next to us does this and that? thats cool, go there. we can't do anything about it - US RETAIL EMPLOYEES CANNOT CHANGE OR DO ANYTHING ABOUT POLICIES AND RULES. YOU CANNOT BE AN EXCEPTION. dont like the prices? yeah me neither. send a comment card, they're by the door. i, the cashier for the morning shift, cannot do shit about why pants went up to 4.29 now. - can you just wait until i say you can swipe/insert your card? our registers and credit card machine are not one system, i have to do them separately, so if you insert your card as soon as i enter your last item, the machine will scream at you bc its not ready - we're just a thrift store still, if you come in within the first 2 hours of opening, have a total of 4.85 and pay with a $100 bill, we cannot break it as we start with 100. have your card or something smaller with you, please.

i have 5 years worth of complaints, dont even get me started on how much the company pisses me off. the only thing keeping me there is the pay, which still isnt great but its more than most stores. 

[penthony]

About for Laura Anderson

Character Chart Character’s full name:  Laura Elizabeth Anderson  Reason or meaning of name: Her mom just liked it, and i think Elizabeth is the name of her paternal grandmother, not that she’d know that.  Character’s nickname: Laur  Reason for nickname: It’s half of her name, plus she likes it better for some reason.  Birth date: August 8th, 1994.  Physical Appearance Age: twenty-two How old does he/she appear: She could pass for 18, maybe younger depending on what she’s wearing and if she has make up on.  Weight: 110lbs Height: 5′6 Body build: Petite/Slender   Shape of face: Oval  Eye color: Brown  Glasses or contacts: Neither  Skin tone: white/caucasian  Distinguishing marks: scar on her hip   Predominant features: Strong jaw, eyebrows, and a bright smile.  Hair color: Dark Brown  Type of hair: Wavy  Hairstyle: Long  Voice: Melodic, but young sounding.  Overall attractiveness: Pretty attractive.  Physical disabilities: n/a  Usual fashion of dress: leggings, a bandeau and a teeshirt, or an oversized sweater. sometimes jeans, a tee and a leather jacket.  Favorite outfit: boyshorts and an oversized teeshirt.  Jewelry or accessories: a ring on her right hand and a pair of earrings depending on her mood.  Personality Good personality traits: determined, helpful, caring, somewhat maternal Bad personality traits: easily offended, choleric, stubborn, prone to distrust.  Mood character is most often in: a sarcastic one.  Sense of humor: inappropriate to say the least.  Character’s greatest joy in life: sex, sleeping, pie, pizza & beer.  Character’s greatest fear: Being abandoned, or never finding love.  Why? Her mother abandoned her a lot, and she never really saw a healthy relationship around her.  What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? her mothers death - which just happened Character is most at ease when: probably when she’s on her couch watching something, or with blaine or eli.  Most ill at ease when: in a high stress situation, or when drugs are present  Enraged when: someone calls her a whore, when someone doesnt help themselves to what they need, or when someone gets in her business without asking.  Depressed or sad when: thinking about her future  Priorities: not falling apart.  Life philosophy: fuck it.  If granted one wish, it would be: to start over.  Why? because she just is a very sad puppo.  Character’s soft spot: her soft spot is for the people she’s closest to, they’re really the only people she trusts.  Is this soft spot obvious to others? not always, but it’s coming more and more clear.  Greatest strength: the fact that she is very prone to sticking up for others  Greatest vulnerability or weakness: she tends to run away from her own emotions Biggest regret:  not going after her mom when she had the chance  Minor regret: getting into porn Biggest accomplishment: taking care of herself after her mom disappeared  Minor accomplishment: actually allowing people to start to get close to her  Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: i wouldn’t say failures, but i would think that she might be embarassed about one day maybe being a mom and people knowing about her porn history.  Why? porn ruins lives, folks.  Character’s darkest secret: oh god, she’s got way too many of those.  Does anyone else know? the person who was involved other than her?  Goals Drives and motivations: her friends and cousin are her motivators right now, other than that her drive in life is her inner clock I suppose.  Immediate goals: to get through the celebration of life party on friday.  Long term goals:  to try and get her life on track, go to school, get a job, try and be a better person? maybe.  How the character plans to accomplish these goals: she wants to drink on friday, and as for the rest... she has no clue where to start.  How other characters will be affected: oh jesus, i dunno.  Past Hometown: Lima, Ohio.  Type of childhood: Not a very good one.  Pets: None, but i kind of want her to get a dog.  First memory: Of her father walking out on her and her mom. Most important childhood memory: seeing her mom on the floor in the bathroom overdosed on heroin.  Why: because that was traumatic for her.  Childhood hero: she didnt really have a hero.  Dream job: n/a Education: She finished highschool thats it. Religion: She knows that her father was jewish, but never really practiced any faith.  Finances: back then her finances were null, her mom spent most their money on drugs, and when she was sober it was to pay the bills. she went withotu food a lot.  Present Current location: Havenoaks, Oregon  Currently living with: No one  Pets: n/a Religion: n/a Occupation: Porn Star  Finances: Comfortable  Family Mother: Jane Anderson  Relationship with her: Not good Father: ??? ??? Relationship with him: hes not around  Siblings: n/a Relationship with them:n/a Spouse:n/a Relationship with him/her:n/a Children: n/a Relationship with them:n/a Other important family members: the only family member she likes is blaine.  Favorites Color: I want to say blue, but red is a close second  Least favorite color: Yellow.  Music: HipHop/alt/edm/indie  Food: anything  Literature: the classics  Form of entertainment: tv, video games Expressions: what the fuck - that’s a favourite of hers.  Mode of transportation: car (ford explorer)  Most prized possession: her apartment, she bought and paid for it herself, along with her car.  Habits Hobbies: sleeping, dancing, singing (although she’d never admit to that)  Plays a musical instrument? guitar, and some piano.  Plays a sport? used to play soccer in school  How he/she would spend a rainy day: probably sleeping, or working depending on the day.  Spending habits: she’s very careful with her money  Smokes: it’s a very seldom occurance that she smokes, cigarettes were never her thing, pot was, but she doesnt really do that anymore.  Drinks: socially/occasionally.  Other drugs: she was big into pot and some other things back in the day, but is sober now.  What does he/she do too much of? probably has too much sex or crying. shes a mess.  What does he/she do too little of? oh god... self loving/  Extremely skilled at: well she’s good in the sack, but she’s also a pretty good cook.  Extremely unskilled at: she cant fucking paint worth a damn. she had to hire someone to paint her apartment Nervous tics: she taps her foot when nervous, or picks at a label  Usual body posture: slouched, or curled up.  Mannerisms: she talks with her hands sometimes, but tends to be avoidant with eye contact  Peculiarities: she’s just a peculiar person.  Traits Optimist or pessimist? pessimist  Introvert or extrovert? extrovert  Daredevil or cautious? daredevil (shes beginning to be a little cautious)  Logical or emotional? emotional, definitely.  Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? methodical, she cant stand a mess.  Prefers working or relaxing? relaxing Confident or unsure of himself/herself? she’s a mix of both. she exudes an air of confidence for sure, but I think she’s really unsure of herself deep down.  Animal lover? YES Self-Perception How he/she feels about himself/herself: she hates herself One word the character would use to describe self:  lost  One paragraph description of how the character would describe self:  in first person -   “I’m someone who was never taught to love, never really taught how to properly deal with things other than rely on something like drugs or alcohol. I tend to run away from my problems and emotions, and I do that so that I can’t get close to anyone. I’m a bitch, and am a commitment-phobe. So sue me.”  What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? her helpfulness  What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? her temper  What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? she likes to think she has nice legs, and a nice ass.  What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? shes very self concious about her boobs.  How does the character think others perceive him/her: she thinks everyone hates her, and likes to think that shes okay with that when shes not.  What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: she probably would want to be percieved as a better person, but that can be hard for her to admit.  Relationships With Others Opinion of other people in general: she just doesnt like many people  Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? fuck no Person character most hates: probably her mom - as messed up as that is.  Best friend(s): Stella, Blaine, Kivrin, Ezra & Elijah  Love interest(s): elijah herself  Person character goes to for advice: Elijah, Blaine, or Ezra.  Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Blaine  Person character feels shy or awkward around: Elijah  Person character openly admires: Stella, Blaine  Person character secretly admires: Elijah (sorta she’s been inda vocal of how awesome he is, but ya............)  Most important person in character’s life before story starts: probably her mom.  After story starts:  TBD 

[aj0131]

Rabbit holes...

im severely lost on my path of life right now. I feel like I dont have many options. It is going to be found out that I failed a ton of classes to the point where I cant graduate on time. And so im not sure that I will end up getting my degree here. Something that was once so important to me became something that was forced and I didnt have a choice in. I didnt want to go to class anymore, it became almost a form of torture. I dont feel like im even intelligent anymore. And i think to what the reasoning is and im not sure I have an exact answer. I just saw the world differently after my mom passed. I unfairly didnt get credit for a class that I deserved to get, and it was like all of that effort meant nothing. Just like it did for my family situation. And I just felt powerless. I think thats a recurring theme... I want to have control over the things that are happening in my life. My best friend is leaving school, and that means ill only really have one person left. And ive told myself for so long that i can be alone again like i have so many times before, but i just dont want to do that again. Im going to be so sad when she goes. She makes me feel good about myself, like I matter, like im loved. And she makes me love myself. Its such a hard situation because shes the one who introduced me to doing drugs all the time, but ive been so much happier since that i cant regret it. It makes me question why society puts such a negative view on them. Ive experienced so much in my life that on a daily basis I have no desire to function or do anything, and drugs change that for me. And the thing is is I dont think theres something wrong with me for not wanting to do anything. I think I needed a break a long time ago. I think I broke a long time ago. And who knows if ill ever be a functioning member of society or if ill just figure it out. It scares me. But I dont blame the drugs. If I know that theyll be there, some days it gives me more motivation to do what I need to. Theyre kind of like a warm hug to come home to. And with my best friend leaving, there goes my access. And im really scared for how thats going to feel. I think im going to be miserable. I think reality is miserable. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom the other day just praying that this isnt really reality... and I think that if just my mom was alive and not sick, that I would be okay. I know thats not how life works, but thats all I ever wanted and was my goal. But you cant stop someone else from doing their addiction. I learned that a long time ago. And now hes trying to do the same thing to me before I get too bad, but he doesnt understand my use doesnt have to do with him. I just want to be happy. And my way of handling myself is this way right now. I dont want to hurt myself or want to die everyday. Its just it doesnt feel unhealthy because im not on them ALL the time, i just... whenever I try to justify it, I feel like I sound like a drug addict. That oh, I can stop anytime, its not affecting everything else blahblahblah. I just go as far as to wish I had done them earlier. I would have gotten some relieve sooner. I mean im typing this when im on something now, and its allowing myself to safely access my thoughts. Im done justifying it to myself, because my only job is to live my life and thats what im doing, and no one can tell me how to live it. I just imagine how my life would be if I quit and got everything together, and what I see is me having this giant house on the beach with a chandelier when you walk in, and a winding staircase in a beautiful white room. Id have my hair done up in a low bun with my hair tucked in crystal pins in a beautiful white dress. I would entertain people all the time and go to these beautiful dances and balls. I would have everything together, a perfectly clean house, I would do things all the time like take classes at the gym or take the kids to their soccer practice. And I would be so loved by my husband that i wouldnt even know what to do with myself. Just unconditional support. Id work part time at the aquarium nearby and work for nonprofits. 

The thing is, I dont think any of that is real at all. People fight, things get fucked up, things are stressful, I have numerous mood disorders at this point... I never thought I could get over the loss of my family. The day she died, I lost every bit of hope that Id ever have a real family, and so I never knew if I could then have a real family of my own. [I guess what I should mean to say real is is a healthy one and all the primary members are still present.] 

I finally overcame the hurdle recently where I thought I would never feel things again. He did that for me. And love means so much to me, I thought it was the one thing if I could have, that one amazing love, that I could accept all the things that happened to me. I thought God and I made a deal when I was about 10 that I would take whatever he had to throw at me, I just asked for love, and I felt kind of a confirmation I thought. But I dont think God gives guarantees and I think I was wrong. Or maybe I already fucked it up when I was given the chance. I mean, im crazy in love with a boy right now, but hes never looked at me the same since he found out what Ive done. I believe he loves me so he stays. But thats even hard for him to swallow. And when I think about that life for me that I want, hes who I see it with. He feels like hes my family, and that hes not going anywhere, and I want to believe so badly that he sees past all the bad of me. I want him to know im not like everyone else. And I try to understand that maybe I was given the option to make those horrible choices so that I would understand that I just possibly lost the best thing that couldve happened to me because I wasnt acting like the person that the best could want. I think of it as a way to force myself to see my mistakes so that I understand not to make them again and not continue down that path. I understand that I am at a huge crossroads in my life right now and that I can choose to not really do anything with my life and let it fall apart or that I can pull it together and try to make it what I want it to be. Im not sure that I have it in me to do it when things look so bleak.

I dont want to move in with my dad. I left for a reason. I cant handle living with him, he is really bad for my anxiety. I dont really blame him for it anymore, I think he has an anxiety problem too and doesnt know how to not put that on other people. But it would feel like taking so many steps backward. And I know I would have to sacrifice a lot of myself to do it. He demands to be right and he demands for me to feel and think certain ways that i just dont, and I will never be the perfect person for him, nor for anyone else. I recognize that I am a really strong minded individual that just cant for the life of me be what someone else wants me to be, but i damn sure wish I could. A lot of times I just wish I wasnt me. I feel like everyone wants something different from me, and that im just not enough. Or that I have too many issues to be what they want. 

Sometimes I have the strength to say fuck that, Im proud of who I became because anyone that knows the full truth has told me that they would have killed themselves a long time ago. And I appreciated that they were truthful about it. But I still dont really get any slack from it. Life doesnt stop just because you need it to. 

My dad says hes about to take a job overseas and that he wants me to take over the family and bills and all of that... and it honestly feels like hes choosing my life for me and that Im about to end up stuck in my hometown living the same life he did just a different job. When I go home all I see is my past and how miserable I was before, and just all of these ghosts of past people and past happenings, and specifically my mom. I mean we still have a lot of her things and we still live in the same house we lived in. Its like my dad and sister dont feel it. But its like all of what happened in that house is still there, like a haunting. 

But anyways, Im getting offtrack. The thing is is that hes right when he says I could live rent free and I wont be able to really afford an apartment by myself at first. But honestly, I only see myself doing three options. Living with my dad, taking a job in a random place because I found security deposit money and I just go for it, or I live with him. And while my favorite options is living with him, we fight every other day, and I am constantly afraid of when hes going to leave. (yeah, i know, healthy). Its definitely not the time to talk about it. It just fucking sucks because there are so many times I look at him, and I am just overcome with how much I love him (hes called me out on a few occasions, much to my amusement) and its like I cant say it or I shouldnt let myself feel that way because he doesnt want to be with me. Its not like I dont understand why, I just dont want it to be like that. But i cant give up. Especially after all of this, like I did not put myself through this for no reason. I just want to stop feeling so sad about it, its like I cant be sad because then im not enjoying the time hes giving me, but I cant be too happy because at any time he could just decide hes never going to want to be with me again. It makes me insecure and into a person that im not. But its yet another thing that i dont have control over. Because i do everything that i know how to do, but im told its not being seen or that its not enough. And sometimes Im so down about it that I think he just deserves better than me. When were in a fight and hes describing how he sees me, it makes me see myself like that, and then i just dont understand why he loves me at all. It makes me think that he has to see past what he thinks he sees. Ive been beginning to be so hurt by what he says about me that im not sure i can look at myself the same way. If the person that ended up knowing and seeing all of my worst and best parts of me thinks so little of me, then what am i to think of myself? I cant blame him for thinking that im a liar and a fake but good God do I pray someday he will look at me and not see that. Im trying so hard to turn my life around and be someone hes worthy of being with, and I think thats why when im in one of my really bad states that on the inside im just screaming at the top of my lungs, I feel like im not being heard, I feel like im not even here and that he has to be talking about someone else. How did I become that person? I just know that that cant be me or who I became, because ive fought tooth and nail to get out, and I dont believe in not being able to change your life around. I just know that if I dont continue trying to be with him and to stop doing what he doesnt want me to do, that im never going to know if it could have worked. That maybe that was it. Everything in me has been telling me I should fight, and now is the time I have to. That im in this place for a reason right now and I have to work my hardest to get out of what ive done to myself. I just know that ive hardly been able to feel anything since my mom died, and since i met him I feel everything in life again, like I care again about what happens. Im fighting for myself because I feel like theres something there. I can look outside and feel happy about a flower that I found pretty growing. Im filled with hope, and I want to fight. I think thats what I have to do. Fight for the life that I want and not let anyone else decide it for me. I need to fight to make myself better. I need to fight to get what I want. And I think hes been trying to fight with me and help me to. And maybe thats part of his purpose in my life. I just dont feel like its over yet. Any of it. I just need to be okay with not making a decision of what to do right this second. Things need time to work through themselves as well. I cant control everything. I need to do one day at a time and stop letting others influence me so much, and to trust myself to do whats right for me. (Ha, trust someone on drugs, real funny...) 

I just know this is only a fraction of how my mom felt when she was trying to do better after all that shed done, which is a lot worse than me, and I pray that she has peace now knowing that I know she tried. Im just going to try to not make the same mistakes of letting other people control my life and tell me who I am or am not. I decide that. And I dont have to let my past travel on with me. I just need to fight.