#but like if i did it was unintentional and my being sad wouldn't have anything to do with it anyway? ???

[meidiary]

( 📁 ) THINGS THEY DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU

synopsis: they can't apologize like normal human beings, so they do their quirky acts to make you forgive them

characters: sanji (shocker), zoro & luffy!

warnings: swearing, (unintentional) angst for luffy..

a/n: my new hobby is making cute character banners oops 🫢 banner inspired by @sixosix <3! happy ending for luffy here !!

☆ whenever you and SANJI have had a fight or disagreement of any sort, he folds first. he is always the first one to give the 'cold-shoulder' act up.

☆ usually, he wouldn't ever stop talking about how much he loves you and how absolutely drop-dead gorgeous you are, but the moment he should talk about all that, he doesn't.

☆ he knows he fucked up.. but he can't bring himself to charm you up like usual.. so- he decides to bake his way out of this problem!

☆ your favorite cake, fruits, drinks, chocolate, and anything you ever mentioned to enjoy will be made and presented to you by your truly apologetic sanji <3

☆ he'd be standing in the kitchen for hours on end. not taking a break because he feels like it's 'his responsibility' to make you forgive him the hard way.

☆ eventually, after being presented more than a month's worth of desserts.. you got worried about the state your charming blonde lover was in.

"not that i forgot our fight.. but you should take a break, sanji.. you've been overworking yourself since this morning!" you tell him, trying your hardest not to sound worried. he gives you an exhausted smile, dropping the cutlery he had in his one hand and the spatula he had in the other one. "you talked to me," he spoke, barely louder than a whisper, before he let out a sigh of relief.

you felt your heart ache, seeing him in his current condition; sweat dripping from his forehead, hands cramped up from all the work he had done, and his apron splattered with a mixture of flower and melted chocolate.

your eyes met his almost immediately, which resulted in him instinctively noticing your sorrowful eyes. "what's wrong, darling? you alright?" he dusts his hands off with the kitchen towel before making his way to you swiftly. "my love why are you giving me your sad puppy eyes right now?" he chuckles as he cups your face in his cold hands, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs.

"because you overworked yourself because of me.. your hands are all cramped up because i was too stubborn to forgive you right away! i don't deserve you sanji.." he gasps, almost offended. "now that is the bullest crap i've ever heard. darling, i've gone way longer with way more pressure on me to complete dishes for a full-house back at baratie." he chuckles yet again, this time more relaxed. "what i did today was a mere exercise to make sure i was still able to perform under some pressure," a big smile growing on his face.

"sweetheart, if anything i don't deserve you.. i'm sorry for upsetting you earlier.. i was deep in the wrong, yet i'm only apologizing now. forgive me, my love." sanji gives kisses your forehead while grabbing your hands, interlocking them with his. "then let's say we're even now.." you two make up and after forcing sanji to let you help clean up the kitchen, you do just that.

☆ sanji tells you he won't 'bake his way out of a fight' anymore, but knowing him, you didn't believe that statement one bit. you told him to "just make sure you don't overwork yourself anymore.. wouldn't want your pretty hands to hurt.." ~ which ended with him teasing you the whole afternoon.. "you think i have pretty hands~? how very endearing, my love."

☆ now anytime you and ZORO fight, with him being in the wrong, his pride always gets in the way of him owning up to his shit and apologizing. that's all you need from him, an apology. you don't expect him to bake you desserts or write you a poem declaring his live for you, no you just want an apology that isn't forced out of zoro by sanji or nami, or even usopp!

☆ you ignore him because he messed up big time and won't even acknowledge it? ha, child's play, he ignores you. you don't even know how this petty fight escalated so far that both of you haven't talked for a good couple days.

☆ usopp is basically begging you two to make up. considering he had been forced given the role to communicate things between the two of you. zoro needed to clean his sword but didn't know which cleaning agent to use, because you always gave him the right cleaning agent? ⟶ usopp is sent to you asking you which cleaning agent is best to clean zoro's swords with. receiving the dirtiest glance from you, you tell him to tell zoro "he should pay attention more to what others say, instead of staring at his reflection off of his sword 24/7!" ⟶ usopp goes to zoro and delivers the message. zoro scoffs and chuckles lightly before angrily giving usopp yet another message to deliver to you. ⟶ after a while usopp started hiding from the both of you, not wanting to get sent to other anymore.

☆ nami is on your side, of course, sending dirty glances to zoro any chance she gets. she doesn't give him the silent treatment, but instead aggressively tries to let him acknowledge his faults so he could own up to his shit and just apologize!

"y'know zoro, i'm not even in this relationship, yet your ego still somehow found a way to suffocate me! fucking realize you've been acting like a child and just own up to the fact that you messed up, damn it." nami blurts out, all in one breath, before she walks off annoyed.

zoro let's out yet another scuff before sanji makes his way to the moss head. "don't you even start-" zoro sends him an angry glance which has sanji raising his hands in defense, chuckling slightly. "i just can't stand seeing my beloved y/n in distress like this. i don't know the details, i don't want to know the details. all i know is that if you don't want to lose her, i'd act fast if i were you.." he just as quickly turned away and resumed his kitchen activities.

out of all the things the crew told him, hoping to convince the stubborn moss head to apologize to you, this stuck with him for the rest of the day.

after having a rather silent diner with the crew, the same as the past few days, you finished first, leaving the table immediately. "thank you, sanji, the soup was delicious, as expected," you tried to smile at him which resulted in your lips becoming a wobbly line.

"anytime, darling, i'm glad you enjoyed.." sanji noticed your sorrowful expression, as did the rest of the crew. you sent him a forced smile again before leaving the kitchen, heading for your and nami's room.

zoro sighed before standing up from his spot, leaving the kitchen to follow you. reaching your room's door, he notices you locked it. "hey! open the door," zoro leans against the handle, his forehead against the door. "come on now, just open the door for me baby.." his voice softens, realizing how fucking stupid he's been acting, neglecting you in so many ways. "listen.. i'm sorry for being such an ass- you didn't deserve my shitty attitude, i shouldn't have acted so stubborn, i'm sorry. i- i just can't lose you okay? please open the door and talk to me, yell at me, scream your lungs out, just please let me see you baby.. " with that he balled his hand that was leaning on the door into a fist, remorse dripping out of his mouth as he finally realizes how wrong he has been acting, how bad he's been treating you, how much more you deserved.

what surprised him was that the moment you opened the door, you weren't carrying an annoyed expression. no, your eyes were teary, your upper lip was trembling, cheeks a red shade, and your eyebrows furrowed. "h-hey, don't cry now.." zoro wrapped his arms around you, whispering endearments into your ear whilst caressing your back.

you two ended up cuddling on you small framed bed, that barely kept the two of you on it. not a word communicated between the two of you. just you laying on his chest, playing with his fingers while his chin rests on top of your head, still caressing your back.

"i'll do better for you.." zoro breaks the silent, planting a kiss on your head. "i can't lose you, i won't lose you.." you look up at his last statement, putting your hand on his cheek. "you won't lose me.. you'll never lose me."

☆ yeah, fights with this man sure are extreme.. but you two make it work

☆ every once in a while, on a full moon, you and LUFFY experience a disagreement lead to a big fight. of course your relationship isn't always all rainbows and butterflies. but considering luffy's nature of not taking most things serious, lots of fights were prevented. you thought luffy was flirting with a waitress when you left? he laughed so hard, getting cramps in his stomach, because he thought it was the most stupid thing ever that you believed he would flirt with someone other than you. he made you feel ridiculous, thinking of such a thing! ⟶ fight prevented!

☆but sometimes, this very nature of his was what lead to some of the most dreadful moments of your life.

☆ anytime such an event would take place, luffy would be the furthest away from it, the furthest away from you.. it's not that he's angry at you, per se. he just needs his time alone to review all his actions leading up to the fight that may have caused for it to get this big. most of the time he'll be dozing off, too tired to look back on his actions. he doesn't even know himself why he always ends up avoiding you for a couple hours after a fight. all he knows is that he, somehow, always ends up understanding what went wrong between the two of you.

☆ but this routine action of his doesn't always receive a positive reaction from you..

there he went, yet again, neglecting his responsibility in this fight. it was petty, you knew it was, still you wanted him to own up to it! it wasn't fair that he'd leave you shaking, crying, screaming at the top of your lungs, out of nowhere. you were talking, well actually arguing, about how luffy had been avoiding you lately, how he'd turn around once he'd see you, sit at the other side of the table, leave the room the second he saw you enter it, but what hurt the most was that he'd shake off your touches..

you finally confronted him about this, not wanting to bottle up your emotions any longer. luffy reacted as usual, disregarding the issue jokingly, he assured, "it's not a big deal~ you're just seeing things." and then you snapped, everything you bottled up 'till this moment, unleashed. you were a sobbing mess. he had never seen you in this state, shit even you have never seen yourself like this.

you asked him what happened, what you did wrongfully. why was he ignoring you? why did he act like he was allergic to your touches, your voice, your conversations, to you? why all of a sudden? what changed between you? you wanted, no, needed him to answer; you hoped he would realize how stupid he was acting, how neglecting he had been. you needed him to take you in his arms and assure you he still loved you, that he still cared, that he always will..

as if all your sobs were disregarded. instead of talking to you, he stood up wordlessly and walked out of your room, gently closing the door behind him. which resulted in your cries escalating as you tried muffling your sounds with a pillow.

where did he go? why did he leave all of a sudden? does he not care about you? all of these thoughts were racing in your mind, overwhelming you to the point you were gasping for air. at this point, nami came sprinting to your shared room, worried about your condition. "what did that boy do?!" she questions with a mix of distress and anger.

all the while, luffy was sat on the figurehead of the going merry, the sheep. he was enjoying the cold breeze as he kept breathing in and out, trying to understand what had just happened. he soon realized he walked out on you the moment you needed him most. and oh how it should've hurt him, how his heart should be aching right now. instead, he feels nothing except the subtle chilly breeze flowing against his skin, through his hair, moving his flip-flops. he knows he should care, he knows he should run back to you, embrace you in his arms, and tell you he loves you. but he doesn't because as much as he wants you to feel loved and cared for, he can't be the one to make you feel that way. it's not fair to you, you deserve someone that means it when he tells you he loves you and always will be there for you.

he can't put on this facade anymore. he stopped caring a while back, but he believed it to be a decent thing to have you believe he was still the guy that would comfort you when you had a nightmare, the guy that would give you his last piece of meat to show you he cares, the guy that would cuddle you to sleep whenever it was too cold..

he thought it'd be easier for you. oh, how it turned out to be quite the opposite. because he faked your relationship this long, and it had come to an end like this; you didn't only lose your lover tonight, you lost your friend.

MEI'S NOTE: uhm.. yeah idk what happened at luffy's part- but I hope you enjoyed ☺️💓

[kaija-rayne-author]

Reaction to Dragon Age Veilguard Gameplay Preview. Editorial Critique.

Heads up... this isn't the most positive of reviews. And I'm a die hard (bleeding into the dirt) solavellan so if that's not your cup of tea you can stop reading here. Images and videos are all copyright of Bioware/EA. (Updated after the Q&A on June 14th)

Spoilers for all previous games, books, comics etc.

Content warnings for extremely colourful language.

I've worked really high powered corporate jobs, so I can play the part of cool, calm, perfect professional. But this is my gaming blog. I don't censor myself here. I grew up around truckers and it shows 😂.

I'm also neurodivergent so please know my emotions about this are confusion, sadness, a bit of horror, and depression. I've been told the way I use words can be read as confrontational. It's unintentional. (And again, it's my blog, I don't particularly feel it's right or necessary that I mask my AuDHD traits here, too.) I'm honestly not angry, or pissed off, or anything like that. Shrugs. I'm just sad. I don't bother to critique things I don't love. (Unless I'm being paid for it.) Much less to this extent. How much I've written here is in direct relation to how much I love Dragon Age.

Well.

I've watched it. Twice. Once on slow mode so I could get a better glimpse at the details.

I re-watched the trailer that I hated twice more. Again once on slowmo.

What. The. Actual. Fuck. Is. That?

It sure isn't Dragon Age. If it didn't have Bioware copyrighted material, I really wouldn't have been able to tell that it was supposed to be Dragon Age. If Rook had whipped out a light-sabre, it wouldn't have seemed out of setting. I want to play Dragon Age, not some weird Star Wars knock-off.

And yes, I know most of the fandom is going gaga at this point, but I don't understand why people can't see the issues amidst the excitement. Being the odd enby out in this situation is depressing as hell. I want to love it as much as everyone else seems to. But my editor brain won't shut up.

I'm used to having unpopular opinions. Just don't bloody crucify me for these. Editing media is my actual job. It's what I do. It's a highly developed, niche skill set I've been practising for over a decade.

Some people are extremely good with cars, I'm extremely good with editing. I only started doing it professionally because my writing critique partners told me my suggestions and the things I noticed were worth their weight in gold.

TBH, it wouldn't surprise me if I have some savantism when it comes to editing and writing. When I look at a piece of fiction in an editorial perspective, it's a lot like looking at a 4d puzzle for me. I can instinctively see what works, what doesn't, and how things that don't work can be tweaked so they do. I don't meet many others in my profession who do that.

And I have multiple NYT bestselling clients. I'm truly not talking out of my ass here. I'm not perfect, no human being is, but like many middle aged AuDHD/neurodivergent people, I know where my strengths and weaknesses lie. It comes off as arrogance for some reason to many people.

So, back to the preview.

It's got the right voice actors. It's got the copyrighted characters. It's got an absolutely terrible art style that is far too reminiscent of the comics for my taste. Because those comics were a travesty of both writing and art style.

And again, why the fuck does Varric have black hair? He's a strawberry blond! He looks like Varric and Blackwall DAI had a kid together. Or like they shrunk Blackwall DAI down. I don't want Varric to look like Blackwall. I didn't like him that much.

What? Did Varric have some sort of end of life crisis and dye his head, beard, and even his chest hair black? (Much reduced chest hair, fuck Bioware, why did you reduce his chest hair!) Did it all caterpillar its way up to his face? There were story significant reasons Varric was a dwarf without a beard. Did you forget that?

(Update from live stream Q&A. One of the devs said it's because Varric has been adventuring for a time and is mostly grey. That he's shown in dark light so it looks black.) Uhuh.

Reality bites sometimes, cause my dad is a strawberry blond gone grey and he never looks like he has black hair. Not even in the dark. But whatever. They've got an excuse for it. I don't buy it because it doesn't track with y'know, how hair usually works.

I could maybe get used to the steampunk vibe? Big maybe. That's still within the realm of Dark Fantasy.

Also... I've seen some reaction videos and y'all... Dark Fantasy is a genre. It has absolutely nothing to do with the colour palette! It means it's fantasy with dark/horror elements FFS!

I swear the reading comprehension of people has suffered since I was a kid.

But, but, but... if you've been reading me for a while you had to know that was coming.

What. The. Fuck. Is. This?

Walmart Sans? Bad Halloween decor they couldn't sell until it was 99% off at a home goods store?

Is that... is that supposed to be a Darkspawn? SERIOUSLY!?! Given a Warden was fighting it, I have to assume someone at Bioware has ergot poisoning.

It looks like a modern cartoon version of Skeletor. Which is definitely insulting to Skeletor. This dude looks like he's got on his tights, speedo, boots, a bitchin' mohawk, and orange lights on his garb for the Halloween party at the club. He might win best costume, but he fails at being a Darkspawn.

They didn't just swing and miss with going to the club dude, they couldn't even find the bat and glove.

And yes, I've heard the 'lore' excuse that it's the red lyrium warping them that way. I could buy that if they were A) red lights, not orange. B) Kinda spiky, crystal-like in structure. Y'know, like the red lyrium infected creatures in DAI? (That's called continuity.)

The lines are too smooth, bone doesn't warp like that, and he (the ogre version too) seriously just look like really bad Halloween decorations.

Also, whoever drew that needs to study human anatomy a bit more. That skull shape is so wrong. In so many ways. Former forensic anthropologist and artist. I've held more human skulls than people can probably guess. I've literally pieced them back together. I'm not awful at drawing either. That image is just bad.

I'm not a player who lusts to have DAO back as the only kind of Dragon Age. I've loved them all for different reasons. Games change over the years as new ideas, new creators, and new technology comes out. That's honestly a good thing. Innovation is awesome. Most of the time.

Sometimes it's a complete miss. Like with going to the club dude up there. I love a lot about the art in these games. It's a large part of why I play them. And that thing up there? That's not a Darkspawn.

THIS is a Darkspawn.

This is a Darkspawn.

This is a Darkspawn

This is a Darkspawn

They're supposed to be kinda gut wrenchingly horrific. The graphics are older yeah, but maybe you get my point? If you know the Lore of Dragon Age... I've marinated myself in it... the Darkspawn are blight corrupted humans, dwarves, qunari, and elves.

It's supposed to be the whole concept of 'what used to be, but no longer is' that's often used in horror. You know... the thing that looks like it was at one time a deer but is walking on its hind legs with a broken neck and glowy eyes that sends atavistic shivers down your spine?

They aren't... modern cartoon Skeletors or the Halloween deco you hide in the back of the garage 'cause you're embarrassed you ever bought it.

WTAF were they thinking? I honestly can't get past my utterly confused shock on this whole thing.

I've been saying for quite a while now that Bioware needs better developmental and diversity editors. (Or maybe even any? Do they have any? 'Cause that preview really makes me doubt it.) And uh... well. Yeah. That. (I'm an editor, yes. I do both kinds, yes. I'm very good at it, yes. No, this is not me hoping for a job at Bioware/EA.)

I suppose me writing all this down is mostly just to get it out of my head. And to maybe let other disappointed Dragon Age fans know they aren't alone. Given some of the things I've seen on the 'net. I'm far and away from being alone in these opinions. You're not wrong. They've absolutely changed it so much it doesn't even remotely feel like Dragon Age.

And no, before you take that and run with it in an anti-diversity direction, I utterly love that they depicted Rook as Black. I love that Davrin is a Black elf. I love that Neve has a prosthetic leg. It's not the diversity changes I have an issue with. I adore those.

Snorts. Would I accept a job if a Bioware fairy dropped into my life and offered me a good living to look critically at that game for problems that could maybe be fixed?

Probably. They'd likely pay better than my current job. And I really do love Dragon Age so much that if I could contribute to it in a way that made us middle-aged gamers happy too? It would be pleasing.

The likelyhood of that is probably akin to winning the lotto though, so no, it's not the point of my post.

But I'm going to slide this monstrosity of a post toward the devs. Maybe they'll listen to the free editorial critique and make this game make a wee bit more sense? Or at least feel like Dragon Age, sheesh.

Because who the actual fuck wrote most of that dialogue?

I want to point my finger at the ground and scold them like a puppy who peed on the carpet.

Then give them a really basic 101 lesson on dialogue.

It was either boring for the player characters (I absolutely assume it will get better there, it was just the beginning of the game, to be fair). And I definitely trust Patrick Weekes to have done an amazing job as lead writer for most things.

But I really would've figured that Bioware would know by now that fans want to know what the character is going to say exactly before picking an option. Not just a yes, no, mediocre choice. Players have been pretty loud about that. BG3 gave us (mostly) what we wanted and it swept GOTY.

The rest of the dialogue was such freaking factory canned bullshit that I almost rolled my eyes out of my head. Which would've been awkward. Fishing them out from under the dresser and all.

A Venatori shouting 'avenge our fallen brethren' (or whatever, I'm not watching it again to get the exact dialogue) has so much stanky cheese on it I can't even. People don't talk like that. Apparently, a few Bioware writers could stand to take a few writing classes. That's basic.

Patrick Weekes is an amazingly skilled writer. But obviously, not all Bioware writers are. (Snorts, which I know very well and it's why I'm so disappointed they chose Lucanis.)

Although, since Mary Kirby did the writing for him for the game (glares at Bioware) there may be hope for him.

Music? There was music? Hans Zimmer was a bloody mistake. Everything he's made in the past decade has sounded the same. Such a shame, because the soundtrack of DAI was epic.

The demons are fine-ish? I guess? If you utterly ignore how similar they look to Fortnite demons. They look a bit weird, but demons are just emotional emanations from the fade so could conceivably look like anything they wanted. (Lolz, the rather skilled artists I know are kinda pissed off at the lack of artistic skill used for their development. Even the under 30 years old ones. Especially them.)

But also... they had really cool demons already designed from DAI (from what I understand they used the same engine, Frostbite). Why didn't they just give them a glow up and use them?

This dude would've been way better for the pride demon. Plus, there would've been some continuity between DA:I and DA:V. In series work, some continuity is important. Or the thing doesn't feel like the thing. Just like based on those previews this doesn't feel even remotely like Dragon Age.

While I don't have epilepsy, I can guarantee those demons as pictured/audio in the preview are going to give me and probably many other gamers massive headaches. Gods know what they'll do to people who actually do have epilepsy. I mean... there are epileptic gamers. Gaming is supposed to be inclusive.

And I don't really want to fight Fortnite demons. I want to fight Dragon Age demons. I don't like Fortnite. (Or, y'know, I'd spend my money and time playing Fortnite?)

Why are there so many freaking Venatori? I mean... I'm flattered to have been right when I called it that we'd be fighting them again. But in Tevinter Nights they're depicted as being on their last legs as an organization.

They're freaking everywhere in the gameplay preview? You fight so many of them! They're like toadstools after a rainstorm. Popping up like daisies! Whatever. Guess the major amount of bad guys in the Tevinter cities is likely to be Venatori. Which is just weird considering their god, Coryphyfish, is dead.

And dear gods he had better stay dead. He was such a lackluster villain in DAI to start with. And bringing back a previous defeated-supposed-to-be-dead villain is an overused fantasy trope that needs to die the miserable death it deserves already.

Again with the Venatori. A little uninspired to be completely frank.

I bet they have huge spiders in this game somewhere, too. Sigh. Why is it always spiders? Or wolves? Or big cats? It's fantasy! Where is the creativity? (Also, you know that's kinda ableist against people with arachnaphobia, right? Which is a lot of people.)

But I've gone on at length before about Bioware and their ableism issues. (Which is why they need diversity editors.) I personally like spiders, but they could at least stop having them everywhere. Or give arachnophobic gamers the option to turn them off or replace them with a different image.

Moving on from their complete loss of the horror element with the Darkspawn; I wouldn't be scared of that thing even if it surprised me in the dark. I'd laugh at it. (And I'm a jumpy person. A lot of things can scare me if they come at me in the dark.)

And I'll ignore the absolutely uninspired bad guys in Minrathous, and the Fortnite clone demons.

What is that thing Bellara is holding?

It sure as fuck isn't a bow. Someone has been playing Final Fantasy a little too much. Don't get me wrong, I've got a lot of hours in FF. I like it a lot. But one of my major complaints about it? Is the completely, utterly, ridiculous weapons. Someone is compensating. Not sure what exactly they're compensating for but it's for something. Sheesh.

I've always loved the somewhat realistic-ish weapons in the Dragon Age universe. I mean, yeah. Still heavy on fantasy... but they at least looked like they'd work. I loved Neve's reduced staff, that was awesome! Whatever Bellara is holding does not look like it would work.

I remember grinding for days in FF to get a special bow. Bows are my thing in a lot of games. When I got it made, it looked like someone had glued two surfboards together and tried to call it a bow. Bows have to be, y'know, functional? All weapons do? That's rather the point?

So... I'm not an archer and if you are, do feel free to weigh in, but would that thing even work?

A bow is a precision instrument. Our species has had bows for a long damned time and their form hasn't really changed all that much. Because they, y'know, work the way they are, and don't if you change them too much?

You've got the curved wood/horn/other material with a string kind (I'm being deliberately simple in terminology, I do actually know what a bunch of bow types are called) and you have the cross bow type.

What we do not have is front heavy monstrosities like that thing. Okay, okay, she's a veil jumper. Maybe she got it from some ancient Arlathan temple or something. But the ancient Elvhenan were supposed to be technologically advanced. Not Final Fantasy obsessed gamers.

Oh, but what about Bianca, gods rest her beautifully crafted soul. They excused that as a one of a kind thing never to be replicated. It's handwavium, but fine, rule of cool works for her. It doesn't work for whatever Bellara is holding unless they come up with a damned good story reason for it. (And it had better be damned good 'cause that thing might be pretty, but it's just severely uneducated about weaponry, at best.)

Also, why couldn't it have been the less useful Bianca Solas blew to bits? (Can't stand the dwarf version in the slightest.)

Moving on.

The settings look interesting. The teams doing the backgrounds and settings have always blown it out of the park, so I imagine they'll be suitably gorgeous when we actually do see the game.

Though I had sorta expected Arlathan to look a little more... jungley forest like, rather than paved shopping mall. But whatever, I'm hopeful there'll be better parts of it later in the game.

Rook looks like they'll be fun to play. And I really hope we're not class locked as a rogue. Rogues are my usual choice but I'd still like to have the choice. (Edit. Reports say we have complete flexibility in our character creation. I just want to know if I can make a fat adventurer.)

The steampunky science-fantasy vibe. Enh. It's not my favourite. I feel it was a mistake to try to horseshoe the depicted kinds of science into the fantasy of Dragon Age that way. Because it really feels shoved in whether it fit or not.

And I write science-fantasy, so it's not like I don't love it. I adore it. It's just something that sort of has to be designed that way from the start. Which Dragon Age most certainly was not. Don't they ever get sick of retconning stuff? I sure get sick of seeing the retconned stuff.

I could see how Minrathous might use magic in a way that we use neon lighting. Or for any number of cool fantasy type magical uses. I just don't get why it had to look like a Star-Wars knock off. If I wanted to play Star Wars, I'd, y'know, play Star Wars?

I think they did capture the grunge and dirtiness and personality of an ancient city pretty well. Like it almost has a consciousness of its own. But as I've said many places, the settings artists are freaking amazing at what they do.

Although, if they have floaty spaceship like things why exactly are the Qunari even a worry? I don't have strong feelings one way or the other on the Qunari, but I know a lot of gamers were hoping to see a Tevinter/Qunari war. If Tevinter has space shippy things, what threat could the Qunari possibly be? Or even the teased Minrathous monsters?

Last I checked (which was a couple of days ago, re-reading those awful comics) the Qunari were still using bows, swords, spears, and knife type war implements. Some bombs, too, because gatlock. And enslaved, lyrium addicted mages.

Big floaty space-shippy thing means small floaty space-shippy things because that's how invention works. Where are the small ones? That thing is just a plot hole the size of Canada. (And a skilled developmental editor could've told them that before they put it in the sky. Sheesh.)

The fighting and conversation options look very similar to DA2. I liked the fighting in DA2 so after the usual adjustment to a new game it would probably be fine. Not sure how I feel about only having the ability to have two companions.

That art style though? I just cannot imagine having romantic scenes with characters done in that art style. And the Romances in Dragon Age are a large part of why I play them. Cartoon sexy times aren't my thing.

You do you, I'm not judging. But for me cartoony sexy times are just weird. Not sexy.

And no matter what they said after that disastrous character reveal the other day, the gameplay reveal doesn't look different enough for me to not call it cartoony. Especially for those Halloween decorations.

Now, I need to get to the end where we see some weird looking mage who I think is supposed to be Solas.

Really? That's supposed to be Solas?

This is the Solas my solavellan heart fell for so hard I've been simping over him for the entire time since I started playing these games.

Regardless. THIS is Solas.

Beautiful, nerdy, a little stylized, but with an art style that really worked for me (and probably most other solavellans given how much we love him).

So who in the living fuck is this?

I guess he's Solas shaped. But he doesn't make my heart squeeze in that OMG he's finally back!! way. He doesn't do anything for me. All I feel is numbness for that version of Solas. Which is disappointing as hell.

I didn't really have high hopes for him given his early looks for this game, but dang. Just dang. He's like a plastic ken doll. Very much like a too shiny plastic ken doll. And while I know Gareth David-Lloyd did the voice acting for him, he somehow doesn't even sound like Solas?

I've also been sadly informed by someone who would know that that is the absolute best they could do with him. We're not getting him fixed no matter how much we scream. He doesn't even have freckles! (And your eyes are fooling you if you think you're seeing them. Our brains often do that. Fill in things that should be there when they really aren't. There was some sort of design issue snafu which is why he doesn't have and cannot have freckles. This is confirmed insider information.) Freaking Lace Harding is peppered with them. Why can't my Solas have freckles?

Edit from Q&A (I think? It's second hand). Someone said they wanted to make everything look more 'painterly'.

Listen. I paint. Digitally and traditionally. You really have to work at it to get something that texture free. That's not 'painterly' its like... glossy modern playing cards. I hate it. Especially given the kind of fresco style paintings that Solas did in DAI. There is ALL sorts of texture with those.

Sigh. Maybe he'll grow on me. Like virulent mould. (Edit. He honestly hasn't. Every picture I see of him kills Dragon Age a little more for me. Which is bloody heartbreaking.)

IDEK man. I keep asking myself what Bioware was thinking. This game feels like it was made for a much different type of gamer than those of us who have loved the previous games for so very long.

It feels like they were trying to draw in a younger crowd while almost keeping the appeal that held us older gamers. That 'almost' is important there. (Edit. Confirmed by John Epler during live Q&A. This is exactly what they did. I feel incredibly betrayed.)

We older gamers are the ones who've kept hope for this game alive. Who have kept Dragon Age alive. The company made it, but without us hoping for it, talking about it, making mods for it, repeatedly replaying it? Would it ever have gotten there?

And we get Fortnite demons, Ken doll Solas, Halloween decoration 'darkspawn', and space shippy nonsense that kills about 50% of their foreshadowing.

I know I'm not the only older Dragon Age player feeling a little (lot) betrayed right now.

Based on these two trailers (and I'm absolutely praying I'm wrong) I think they failed project Dragon Age. Miserably.

I am pleased to learn that there are confirmed non-binary options for character creation and decent hair. So that's a plus. (Looks at the drops in the bottom of the almost empty bucket and sighs.)

I'd still like to play the game. I'd honestly LOVE to be wrong in my opinions on this. I'd really, really love to be wrong as much as I love Dragon Age.

I will happily sit down to a meal of crow if I'm wrong. I want to be wrong, because I love Dragon Age.

Though, I'm pretty good at prediction. I have stereotypical autistic pattern matching, which is a lot of what prediction is.

But I'm sadly coming to an end of what I'll be able to write about Dragon Age, no matter how much I love it.

My computer, which is literally duct taped together, isn't going to be able to handle DA4. It can barely run BG3 without overheating. As much as I love my computer, (and I really do, I get attached like a lot of AuDHD people do) it has broken or missing keys, and several of the more important keys just don't work. The screen is also starting to go.

I have lived and breathed the art and lore on these games since I started playing them. They're one of my most prominent AuDHD special interests. It's killing part of my soul to know I won't get to play it.

I'm a disabled, neurodivergent editor/author with a family to support. There's absolutely no extra for me to save up for a new rig. I'm ineligible for disability aid because I'm an immigrant. (Not that you can actually survive on disability here, anyway.) And I live in Canada, which is having a rather obscene cost of living crisis right now.

Even with my issues with the... er... everything, I still want to know what happens. I want to see it for myself.

Being an editor makes reading/tv fraught for me. If a piece of media makes me feel like I'm at work I can't really enjoy it. And 99% of books/shows do. (Don't become an editor if you love to read.)

Games tend to have fewer things to trip up my editorial brain. (Not this particular game, obviously 😂.)

That's all to say that gaming is basically my only form of accessible entertainment. I do it a lot in whatever spare time I have.

Even with my misgivings on the previews. I really would like to both play it and be utterly, completely wrong about it. I'd love to be able to keep writing about Dragon Age. But without being able to play the next one, all I can really do is rehash old stuff.

My work of words is my only income. And most writers really don't make all that much. Editors can, but I'm currently working a job that pays less than minimum wage doing editing. I'm under NDA, so I can't even tell people which huge corporation a lot of people use every day pays their editors so poorly.

Doing freelance work, I make between $50 and $70 an hour. Because editing is skilled, niche work. Experienced editing even more so.

That's why someone can be an amazing writer and a shit editor. You really do have to dedicate yourself if you're going to be good at editing anything. Most people don't put in the time or effort. I'm a better editor than I am a writer. (I'm not an awful writer, I just know where my strengths lie 😂.)

But there isn't a whole lot of freelance work available since COVID.

My partner has a broken back from his last job so can't work (and they denied his disability because that makes complete sense) so we barely scrape together enough to pay the bills each month (and lately have been failing even on that).

I think Rook and company fucked up badly by interrupting Solas' ritual. Lolz, I rather hope Solas 'greatly disapproves' in Rook's head or something. That would be bleeding hilarious.

I suppose if Solas had... I dunno... talked to people and told them why he felt he needed to take down the veil it would've helped. But his arrogance always does get in the way. In the writing trade that's termed his fatal flaw.

I think what Rook did at the end there is probably going to get Varric and a whole lot of other people killed.

Solas killing Bianca was awful, yes (and the merciful option, btw, Bianca can be fixed, Varric can't). But I think it's just the prequel. I don't think our beloved Varric is gonna be around long enough to miss her.

[moonlight-tmd]

Anything insecticon bee.

Mating habits? Wing talk? How he sleeps so deep they all check to make sure he isn’t dead.

Prowlbee or Blitzbee

I knew i'd see you in my ask box sooner of later~

The hibernation protocol is like stasis but it gets into action automatically when it gets cold. Let's say like, late autumn- Bee will get cold but still function normally til mid-November, but after that his Hibernation Protocol will kick in and he'll eat more and move slower and after one week of it working he'll get all cozy in berth with multiple blankets and just snooze. Not even the plant's alarm will wake him up.

The first time his protocol kicked in everyone was worried cuz Bee was- well, not acting like Bee! Then they went into panic cuz Bee disappeared and there was no trace of him. Only 2 days later Ratchet found him sleeping under one of the boilers they had(the only one working at that time) with a blanket. Still, he had to shake him awake cuz he would not wake up to him calling. Panic might have been eased but still they were hella worried about him, Prowl goes in every morning to check on Bee snoozing in his room with blankets and heaters so he wouldn't crawl into some weird space again, others check in whenever they pass by his room, Ratchet comes to do a scan around noon everyday until Bee is waking up and being active again in late February. Still there was no way Sari wouldn't have woken him up for Christmas- she did succed because she jumped on him while blasting an air-horn to his audial. She does this every time before Christmas. And the others scold her everytime for it.... Bee doesn't mind as much, he likes spending time with his team. Honestly he'd be sad if he missed Christmas with them. Sari also wakes him up on Valentines Day.

ProwlBee: Prowl would essentially move in with Bee and spend his free time with him, cuddling and meditating as he listens to Bee's slow vents.

BlitzBee: Blitz lives with Bee in his room so of course he's gonna act as an additional heater for his hummel- he just lays next to him and wraps his arms and legs around the big Bee-rrito and snoozes too. He wakes up around noon and goes to bed very late. (habit from his decepticon days) Most of the time he stays in berth with Bee just napping and cuddling or sits by him sculpting.

Now onto wings! I imagine seekers/fliers would use their wings to attract or impress a potential mate. Insecticons do the same. Of course, there was no way Bee could do it before he went into the cocoon. So after Bee hatches and has those features showing, he will defo do unintentional displays for his beloved:

If ProwlBee: Prowl has knowledge about animals- and insecticons now that there was the deal with the cocoon- so he knows Bee is doing it to impress him. Which there is no need for, but damn it's working.

If BlitzBee: Blitz is half-seeker, he knows the whole ordeal with seekers trying to impress potential sparkmates with their wings. He's done the same with Bee, even if Bee didn't realize. Bee's wings are the most beautiful ones he's ever seen, and when Bee spreads them out and flutters them so they sparkle- Sweet Primus, he's so smitten. He will also flutter his own wings, Bee has a strange feeling about them- like they're the most impressive part of Blitz.

And i know what you want- i saved it for last. And a reminder that i do not write transformers the "usual" way: here is my version of how they do the interfacing.

Spoiler just in case: NSFW, alien biology

So, you have the normal transformers junk written out in the post i linked. Insecticons have it a bit differently as you imagine. Although for Bee it is mixed cuz he is not full Insecticon like Waspinator or Blackarachnia.

Insecticons, for all i could come up with, have a hidden slot under their abdomens(back thingy). So they do the deed the normal, sexual way. That slot is also a way for eggs to come out so the larva can hatch.

Bee also has that slot. Now interfacing is a little bit tricky- he still interfaces with his sparkmate(Blitz or Prowl) like regular transformers would. But everytime it happens he has to have a rag or towel wrapped around his abdomen cuz that slot gets kinda leaky when they get kinky...

So a normal cybertronian would have 4 tendrils and 1 reproductive strut. I imagine that because Bee's biology has changed slightly, he only has 2 tendrils and 1 reproductive strut. And while transformers can release the reproductive strut on command- insecticons? eeh not really. So it's often hard to see which wire is coming out of where cuz the fluff on his belly keeps poofing up due to static and blocking the view- Bee has to put gel in it to keep it down. While the tendrils and the reproductive strut can't really intertwine or else whoops, Bee and his partner can still play with it.

If you're asking for kinks then there's the feeding kink, wing kink, glossa kink(?), biting kink and i don't know what else. The tendrils themselves are kinky enough to play with i guess. I mostly write for BlitzBee so yeh, i dunno what Prowl would be into.

I had a very funny not-canon-to-this-AU scenario in my head earlier;

So Blitz and Bee decide to get funky now that Bee is different and see if there is some new kinks to discover... They did the deed once.

The following days Bee is feeling odd, he's not as energetic and he can't retch up honey to give to Blitzy as a treat.

At some point Prowl gets concerned and tells him to go to Ratchet for a scan, Blitz goes with him. So they do the scan and Ratchet literally just stares at the result image with wide optics and semi-scared expression.

The next thing everyone in the plant hears is a scream accompanied by a loud metallic thud.

So turns out, because Bee's biology changed- he got sparked. (they got all confused which wire is which, whoops.)

Oh, and did i forgot to mention? Insecticons can have up to 20 larva per brood.

Lucky that Bee is only part-insecticon so he ended up having 8 Newsparks in him... which they ended up terminating cuz there is no way they would be able to handle it.

Yeah... Blitz and Bee interface rarely now in fear of it happening again. They still get kinky sometimes, you don't have to have direct contact to have fun.

Altering the non-canon scenario: If Bee did keep them, his other insecticon protocol would kick in- similar to how he was unaware when he was making a cocoon, Bee essentially becomes kind of feral and builds a small hive/nest in the basement. There was a storage room no one ever went into so it was a perfect place. So he disappears and nobody knows where he is until Prowl hears something when he's in the basement and finds Bee hissing and a pile of insecticon eggs in the hive-nest. Once the littles hatch he goes back to normal, dw.

The way Bee having eggs would happen; Newsparks incubate in the Sparkchamber but then get moved to a special compartment in his abdomen where eggs get formed around them and they get laid. Then like normal insecticons, Bee would cover them with honey that the eggs absorb nutriens from and the Sparkling-larva is growing, just like what Bee is after the cocoon. Then once they hatch they still eat the honey until they can eat solid food and energon. Then later on they also cocoon themselves.

I'm getting way too scientific with this, geez.

I know you probably wanted some NSFW action but honestly i can't make myself write it like this. You gotta send me a direct ask for me to ditch my dignity and aswer honestly. Also give me a prompt cuz no idea what or how to write nsfw.

If you weren't asking that- oh well, now you know just in case.

[inactivewattpadauthor]

Nightwolf x Reader (Venting)

I told them two months should be fine, but it's not. Even a month is so long, but it's supposed to be for my own good.

So why do Ifeel so... purposeless?

You took a gaspy breath of air as questions of frightening uncertainty strangled your mind.

I don't get it. I've done everything I could to try to get them to be close with me again. They said it wasn't me... but is it? They've grown a habit of lying to me, so are they telling the truth there?

Your eyes stared emptily at your phone's black screen. Should you browse through the media to clear your mind?

No. You'll just end up back in the messages between you and them the eighth time. Let alone their account.

Maybe you should take their advice. The very common one everyone always suggest in these types of situations: replace them. Find someone that's way better them. Just "Move on. It's part of life."

It's true. Moving on is a part of life, you aren't inexperienced with it. But really, how long will the process take this time?  You don't want to forget them. And you don't want them to forget you. Even if they claim you wouldn't be.

They aren't replaceable to you. You told them this and it hurts that they even object that statement.

It hurt watching them turn into something apathetic. They claim they want to be forgotten, punishment for hurting people like yourself. Sometimes, when you feel angered rather than sad, you agreed.

Sometimes you'd feel so angry, you'd want to break the silence just to speak the blunt part of your mind, but you know it would fall on deaf ears and a closed mind.

Anything you say always does. Even the most sincere words.

Returning to them is a bad idea. But they're the only person you have. You feel as if you deserve it for pushing away those who actually cared.

"Y/n." A quiet, but stern voice called.

Slightly startled, you looked towards your door which was opened a bit with a familiar face peering in.

"Nightwolf?" You responded back dimly. 

Nightwolf was someone you did seek comfort from before you met them. He knew about your "close" friend, and like everyone else, disapproved of them.

Your love is so deep for that person, that even Nightwolf failed to convince you being around them wasn't healthy for you. Only thing different about him is he still stuck by your side.

Nightwolf entered the room, carrying your personal mug, setting it beside you on your dresser. The aroma of your favorite warm beverage greeted you.

"You haven't been out you room for awhile, so I assumed you were asleep." He looked at you and explained.

He observed how unwell you looked. From your blanket covering your messy hair to how puffy your eyes were, either from lack of sleep or crying, or both.

"Are you okay?" He asked a question he already knew. An attempt to get you to talk to him.

You quickly broke off eye contact with him and nodded with a broken "mhm".

No. I'm really not.

"Are you sure?"

You shut your eyes, with a sudden thought in your head.

They used to check up on me like this.

"You can talk to me, Y/n. I'm still here for you."

The warm rush of tears raced down your face and you were so poorly subtle to hide them.

You just don't get it. You pushed this man away for someone who treated you awful, even if it was unintentional, but he just never disregarded you right then.

And you still continued pushing him away because you just felt bad he was helping naive, delusional, worthless, little you. Just...why?

"I still miss them. Why did they have to change?" You managed to get out.

"Change is just part of one's growth. Understand people can naturally change in a way you may not get. Not right now at least. It doesn't mean it's your fault. That's just how it is."

Some of Nightwolf's words were just like theirs, except it was somehow soothing coming from him, someone who was genuine with you.

"Also understand you cannot change someone, no matter how much effort you place."

You try to. But no matter what the old them is all you could see in them. You just "...don't think you can fully accept they changed."

"I get it. But you eventually will, believe it or not. Once you do, you'll finally feel at peace."

You made sure your face was cleared before grabbing your comfort drink, accidentally moving a bottle that contained melatonin pills in it. Nightwolf noticed them, and it did worry him.

"Do you take one pill at night?" He asked calmly. Or merely just hinting to you that's how you're supposed to use them.

"I don't just take them at night and I don't count." You said before taking a sip. "They're weak too." You scoffed.

You didn't even have the energy to lie to your friend to reassure him. But realizing what you're admitting made you guilty and you forced yourself to take more sips to avoid looking at him. You felt his stare rest on you and it wasn't a nice feeling.

"When do you take them?"

"Whenever there's no reason for me to be awake. Melatonin isn't dangerous if that's what your wondering."

Although I wish it was.

"No, but it can still get you sick, Y/n. That concerns me."

You looked at the Indigenous man shortly. "It shouldn't. I don't get why you still care for me after everything."

"Because you're still learning how the world works. And I know you weren't pushing people away on purpose. I believe you're strong enough to overcome all of this and you'll be a better person."

Shameful to admit, you didn't believe the last part he said. Just look at the condition you were in now.

You were pulled into a sudden embrace, making you confused at first, but then-

"I love you." Nightwolf said unexpectedly. "They may have stopped loving you. But I never did. I hope that's some sort of relief for you."

You didn't respond. You started breaking down, adding your weight against him.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. I don't...

"Please stop distancing yourself from me. That's all I request." The black haired male said, still holding you.

"Okay." You sobbed out. You felt his hand comb your hair in a comforting manner.

"Everything will be better soon." He lastly says. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hope I'm not lying to myself about the last part.

But I hope you enjoy this. I just wanted to try to make myself feel better.

[alarrytale]

The "fan" was unintentional LOL but I believe they were together at some point and for a long time, but maybe they're not now, maybe they are. And I believe Liam's last relationships were stunts, I believe he is bi or pan, just like Zayn. But I don't think about it too much, what matters to me is that they are happy, whether they are together or not. Zayn loves his daughter and loves being a father, that's as clear as day. Liam loves his son, he is beautiful like him and C decided to preserve his identity. Furthermore, I think that saying that the children are not theirs is to doubt the character of both of them, that is absurd, to think that they would be capable of bringing innocent children into the world just to prove something.

I feel like Zayn is happy, very happy, and that's what matters to me. He's single, doing what he wants without having to show it to anyone, and happy with his first tour.

Liam continues to be sabotaged by his team, he was going to release the album last year or early this year and was blocked - he is starting from scratch. A very hard-working boy, but who needs a break, needs to be truly happy and have a good team. That he knows how to recognize his talent in his work, promote it in the way it deserves, and take better care of his career. He doesn't seem really happy right now.Someone needs to remind his team that he is a singer, we love hearing about his life, but not like this. Not with him acting, They should be smarter and see that no matter what Liam does, people WILL attack him, and it would be better if he didn't show up so much so that doesn't happen, so as not to take everything he says out of context.

He's not happy this way, being boycotted, and I'm sad that we can't do anything about it. He deserves better.

I'm sorry for the long text and I'm sorry for the mistakes either, english is not my first language but im still trying LOL

Hi, anon!

You never have to apologise for your english! Not on this blog! If i don't understand you, i'll ask you to clarify, and i did. It was the "ziam fan" that was throwing me off, not your english!

Okay, so i get more where you're coming from now. I wouldn't consider you a ziam right now though if you're not convinced they're currently together, even though you're convinced it was true in the past. I haven't seen anyone who are convinced they're currently together think they're both fathers.

I agree with you that Zayn seems the happiest and most confident he's even been. On the other hand, Liam is really struggling mentally and being the most unhappy i have seen him ever. Every new video i see of him is more incoherent than the last. So i guess i can't picture them being together while they seem to be on polar opposite sides of life contentment, leading two different lives and are on different career paths. Zayn has found meaning, who he wants to be and what makes him happy. Liam is struggling with all that. I can't picture them together if they don't have the same lifegoals, agree on which lifestyle they want and which continent to live on.

Regardless, the most important thing is that they're both happy, and Zayn seems to be, but Liam i worry about constantly. I don't think Liam is being sabotaged at all, his music isn't selling so the label can't afford to put it out. They'll lose money. It's no ill will from his label. They're trying to breach out and get positive attention on him by him being a talent show judge, and he might endear himself through that. Because Liam needs image rehab in order to sell his music, and he isn't mentally ready to do that right now. It's hard to watch his attempts at fan engagement through his unhappy, manic and cringy ramblings. I think he needs to sort himself out before attempting to win over his people to his side again. The TV job might help position him to put out an album that will sell. So i don't think he's being sabotaged, it's just that they don't want to set him up to fail, because they can't afford that. And honestly, i don't think Liam's mental health can either.

[an-ecu-harrypotter-au]

TPS Part 17: Happy Beginnings

Ah wake up an see Jacklin awake in bed eatin a cauldron cake.

"Jacklin?"

She looks up at me an looks pink fer once.

"Yes Toby?"

"Wha happened?"

"Headmaster Dumbledore came here and explained everything to me. Professor Quirrell was actually turned into something called a horcrux. He was being controlled by the piece of Voldemort's soul inside of him to steal the Philosopher's Stone. That would bring Voldemort back to life with a fully functional body. Headmaster Dumbledore figured out Professor Quirrell was being controlled so he used the Mirror of Erised to stall him. See, the Philosopher's Stone was hidden inside the mirror. Even if you broke the mirror the stone wouldn't appear. Headmaster Dumbledore made it so that the only person who could take it would be to protect it. That's why I was able to get it."

Mah eyes're glazed over. There's nothin Ah can really say ta that.

"So Voldy's alive even though everybody done thought Dumbledore killed 'em?"

"Yes. Horcruxes can keep parts of your soul alive. Even if your physical body dies, you can still live through your soul. However, it's at a terrible price as you start to lose your humanity."

"Oh. Well uh.... Do we gotta do anythang else?"

"No. Headmaster Dumbledore already put the cloak back into your trunk like it never happened. Although he has been trying to find if there are other horcruxes out there, with no real leads, there isn't anything else we can do."

"Ok."

Wha else can Ah say? This' way more than Ah can handle. Ah barely even understood the whole concept a who Voldy is let alone this whole plan bout him wantin ta come back ta life.

"There is some bad news though."

"What?"

"With at least one of the horcruxes destroyed, Headmaster Dumbledore was told by Nicolas Flamel to destroy the Philosopher's Stone."

"Why? If this type a stone's such a big deal why's it only now somebody's tried ta steal it?"

Ah see Jacklin try ta think thangs over.

"It wasn't only now. Nicolas Flamel has had people trying to steal it ever since it's invention. The issue lies in that you still need to know how to make the Elixir of Life. That potion is what's really needed to help you live forever. The instructions on how to make it as well as the stone itself were made into a magical secret. So long as Nicolas Flamel doesn't willingly tell anyone, no one would be able to create it."

".... So if he ain't got the stone, no more potion. And no more potion means he's gonna die?"

"Exactly. When you're over 600 years old and have a dark wizard like Voldemort out there, it's the right thing to do to destroy the stone and let the secret behind it die with you. Until we know for sure that all of his horcruxes are destroyed, he will always find a way to try stealing it."

Ah feel a lil sad fer Flamel. 600 years or however old he is' a long time but he's gotta die now.

"How bad's it gonna be fer him ta die?"

"I suppose when you're over 600 years old it simply wouldn't matter. You've done so many things in life that there's no reason to feel unsatisfied."

"Good. Tha's real good."

Ah try not ta get too upset bout it. It's what he wanted so Ah can't stop it.

"So Quirrell's dead too?"

"Yes. I'm not exactly sure how, but all of that fire you saw was from me. I was able to use non-verbal, magic without a wand. Even though he tried to put out the fire, it simply wouldn't go out. He was burned alive. That destroyed the first horcrux and that part of Voldemort's soul vanished."

"Whoa! Ya really are a wizardin princess if ya did all that by complete accident."

"It's definitely a mystery. It's true that at our age, emotions can cause unintentional magic, but not even Headmaster Dumbledore's seen anyone create uncontrollable fire."

Ah jus shake mah head. Jacklin should be able ta brag bout it at least a lil bit.

"Do ya think we made a mistake tryna go after 'em?"

"No. Headmaster Dumbledore wanted to test Voldemort's abilities. Even if my non-verbal magic is unlike anything that was ever seen, it isn't as if someone who knows the fire spell couldn't do it themselves. The fact that he wasn't able to cast a spell to put out the fire means that whatever magic he had left was gone. Headmaster Dumbledore would've destroyed him anyway."

Ah can only nod mah head cause it's all too complicated an mah head hurts. Ah point at the cake in 'er hands.

"Where'd ya get that cake?"

"My teammates came in earlier to visit me. We had our final Quidditch match today against Ravenclaw."

"How'd it go?"

Jacklin looks a lil sad when Ah asked that. Ah guess it weren't that good.

"I wasn't able to play for Gryffindor in our final Quidditch match so when Sean got injured, we had no Seeker. Since a Quidditch team can only have one substitute on a roster, no one else could replace him. It was a horrible loss that not only cost us the Quidditch Cup but also gave Slytherin the lead for the House Cup. I was so upset because I thought I had let them down, that they gave me this cauldron cake to make me feel better about it."

"Oh tha's nice. Can Ah have a small piece?"

"You can have your own cauldron cake, Toby. Pacer came by and left you one to your right."

Ah look at she's right. Ah got mah own cauldron cake an Pacer even had a card fer me.

"Pacer's always givin me nice stuff. Ah feel bad Ah ain't ever able ta do a lotta nice thangs in return."

"I think he values your friendship more than the favors you can do for him, Toby."

"Still Ah don't want 'em ta think Ah'm some bum who only takes without givin nothin back. Ah gotta ask 'em how Ah can make it up ta him."

Ah focus on eatin mah cake.

"Ok dears. You're free to go now. Enjoy the feast."

Ah look up an see the nurse smilin at us.

"Thanks."

"Thank you Madam Pomfrey."

Me an Jacklin get outta bed wit our cards. Ah'm real scared fer Jacklin. She's still pink like she got burnt a bit.

"How does your head feel after some rest?"

"A lotta better 'n it did but Ah’m not sure Ah’m cut out fer anythin’ like this schoolin. Even bein’ wit ya don’t seem real natural like it used ta be. Like it's jus all startin ta fall part."

"I think we both need this summer to heal from what happened."

"How do ya expect ta heal? Ah don't ever see things gettin' better fer me. Ah dunno what mah visions mean an’ Ah don't even like thinkin’ they might turn real. Ah'm jus’ not ready fer all the trouble."

"Of course. I understand that. I think for today we just need to get through the feast."

"Ok."

Ah feel like there’s still a lotta things Ah don’t understand an’ Ah sure don't need Dumbledore or anybody askin' too many questions. Ah don’t wanna get in more trouble.

Time Skip

"Another year has come and gone. I would like to congratulate the Seventh year students for completing their studies with us. As you know, the ceremony for you all will take place tomorrow morning."

Ah listen ta Dumbledore makin his speech an' Ah’m hopin' he don’t take too long. Mah head still hurts so Ah wanna eat an go back ta sleep.

"And now I would like to go over the results of this year’s House Cup. In 4th place with 312 points is Gryffindor."

Ah see the other Gryffindor students startin' ta mutter an' look all depressed.

"In 3rd place with 352 points is Hufflepuff."

Ah look around an' see tha Hufflepuff table. Ah find Pacer an he seems jus as disappointed as the Gryffindors 'bout where his House placed. Ah guess helpin Sprout like Ah was doin jus weren't nough ta win.

"In 2nd place with 426 points is Ravenclaw."

Ah look at Ravenclaw's table an' see all the students all lookin' pretty excited ta be in the number two spot. Even though they ain't winnin’ the House Cup, Ah'm happy fer 'em.

"Finally, in 1st place with 472 points is Slytherin."

Everybody looks sad as Slytherin cheers like they knew they'd win. Ah know Ah don't got a reason ta hate 'em but Ah'm still bummed bout it.

"However, in light of recent events, I believe there are some last minute points that should be awarded."

Everyone quiets down. Ah guess it makes sense. Even though Slytherin's in 1st don't mean Dumbledore said they won.

"Starting this year the top student in each class will be given 10 points for their House. We wanted to recognize every class' achievements and no longer just our Seventh year students."

Ah follow along wit wha he's sayin. Ah'm glad they did this cause that might mean we got a chance.

"Finally, the top student amongst the entire First year class is Jacklin Gryffindor."

All a Gryffindor cheers. Jacklin's lookin stunned. Ah guess she didn't think that bein the top a our class in Gryffindor meant anythang more than that.

"Well done everyone. And now with that set of points the total is now 342 points to Gryffindor, 362 points to Hufflepuff, 446 points to Ravenclaw, and finally 482 to Slytherin."

Slytherin still cheers cause even though we got 3 outta 7 a the best students, they're still in 1st place.

"Earlier in the year I warned you about the 3rd Floor corridor. Now I can reveal to you that in that corridor lied the now destroyed Philosopher's Stone. As you can see, Professor Quirrell is no longer with us. It is with a heavy heart that I announce that he was made into a horcrux by Lord Voldemort."

All a the older kids gasp an look shocked. Even some a the younger kids like Pacer looks real shocked.

"I know that some of your parents will refuse to acknowledge this as truth, but it's important that you know this: Lord Voldemort is still alive. His soul still wanders the world looking for a way to restore himself to power."

A lotta kids start lookin scared.

"Therefore, I find it necessary to announce the final set of points that deserve to be given."

Ah look at Jacklin an Ah think she knows somethin that Ah jus ain't gettin yet.

"This student has shown an incredible amount of courage and ability well beyond their years. When faced with a great danger, this student thought not of themselves but of others."

Ah hear a lotta students whisper bout who it could be. Ah think a lotta Gryffindor kids think it's us cause why else would we be in the Hospital Wing.

"Therefore, for successfully navigating all seven obstacles guarding the stone and managing to perform such an incredible act of non-verbal magic, I would like to award 100 points to Miss Jacklin Gryffindor."

Some a the Gryffindor students scream. 100 points fer savin the whole school if not the whole magic world's a lot! An Jacklin managed ta do it. Ah look at the other tables an Slytherin don't look happy at all while the Houses look jealous but still happy bout wha she did.

"This is the last set of points that will be given out for the year. This student has shown a great loyalty to not only their friends but to Hogwarts itself."

Ah feel like he's jus gonna award Jacklin more points cause that sounds like wha she did too. She did all the hard stuff like fight a teacher an not die.

"This student possesses such a rare skill that cannot be taught. It was because of this skill that a major threat to all of wizard kind was eliminated. In spite of the terrible danger involved, this student was willing to make a great sacrifice. Therefore. I would like to award 50 points to Mr. Toby Kwimper."

Ah dunno wha ta say. Dumbledore gave me points fer doin good. Ah got clobbered in the head an got 50 points fer it.

"I believe if my math is correct, the winner of the House Cup with 492 points is Gryffindor!"

Everythang goes blank. Ah don't hear or see anythang in front a me. Ah only start ta come back when Ah feel somethin cover mah ears.

"Good job, Toby."

"Jacklin mah head hurts."

"It's alright. Once we finish with the feast you can go right to bed."

It's a good thang Ah know how ta lip read cause Ah can't actually hear anythang Jacklin says.

Time Skip

Ah don't even remember anythang tha happened after we started eatin. Ah think gettin hit in the head did a real bad job on mah memry. All Ah know's Ah wake up an see everybody in mah dorm packin up their thangs.

"Ok Trevor. We gotta go home now."

"Croak."

"Yeah Ah'm a lil happy too."

Ah get outta bed an pack up all mah stuff. Ah start gettin Trevor's tank all packed when Jacklin comes in.

"Are you feeling better, Toby?"

"Yeah."

"That’s great to hear. Professor McGonagall says that we have to be ready to leave in 20 minutes."

"Ok."

Ah try ta finish up gettin Trevor's tank all packed.

"Toby. When we’re on our summer holiday would you want to write me?"

"Ah s’pose so. Ah guess Ah could if Ah have somethin’ ta say."

"You can always write to me about how you and Trevor are doing. I definitely would like to hear if you ever go back to the States for a while with your Pop."

"Well uh... Would ya wanna hear about a big rainstorm sometime? Ah'll write a letter an’ Ah can tell ya everythin' Ah think bout the rain."

Jacklin smiles at me but Ah know wha Ah'm talkin bout. Ah like this type a rain. Maybe it's cause mah momma'd record the sounds a rain ta help me sleep. Even now this type a rain jus makes me so sleepy Ah jus wanna curl up under a blanket.

"All Gryffindor students please come down to the common room with your luggage. We will begin to dismiss you down to the carriages shortly."

"That's our cue to go, Toby. Do you have everything?"

"Yeah. Ah checked ta make sure Ah don't got any candy left. Ah'm surprised we ain't eatin breakfast before we leave."

"It's so early in the day that we'll be served breakfast on the train."

Ah nod as Ah grab mah luggage. Ah can eat a lotta food taday. Ah don't think Ah ate much last night cause Ah'm so hungry now.

Time Skip

"Pacer here. Sit wit us."

Pacer smiles as he sits next ta me on the train wit his owl.

"Tank you, Toby. Your family has been very kind to us troughout dis year it's the least I can do to repay you."

"What?"

"Yes the Kwimper family did a lot of vork for my fader's apotecary."

"How? Pop sure ain't tol me we did anythang special."

"Your fader's fishing boat catches everyting ve sell in our apotecary from lionfish to malaclaws."

Mah eyes widen.

"But how's that good fer business?"

"Ve use diverent sea creatures for ingredients in potions. My fader at the beginning of spring made a deal vit St. Mungo's Hospital to sell dem ingredients for various potions."

"So yer sayin that cause mah Pop's supplyin ya wit new stuff yer able ta get a big deal wit a super important hospital?"

"Yes. I can never tank you enough."

"So tha's why ya keep givin me lil gifts. Ya was thankin mah family fer helpin yer family's business."

Ah start ta feel better now. Ah don't gotta have this debt wit Pacer no more. We's even now.

"Oh Pacer, I'm so happy for you. This was just the step up you needed. I hope your family's business continues to grow. We would absolutely love to see you at the opening Quidditch match some day."

"Tank you, Jacklin."

Ah smile cause Ah'm glad we're all gettin along now. Jacklin an Pacer's tellin me how ta send letters ta them while we're on vacation. Ah'm happy ta make friends that'd wanna talk ta me. Tha's all Ah ever wanted.

Time Skip

"Why those are our parents."

We get off the train an Ah see Jacklin goin ta 'er parents. Pacer goes off ta see his mom too.

"I’ll write to you soon, Toby! Just write to the manor and I’ll be sure to get it!"

"Ah will!"

Ah wave goodbye as Ah see 'er an 'er parents walk away. Ah'm so glad Ah was able ta make friends wit a nice girl like 'er.

"Toby! Over here son!"

Ah turn round an see Pop. Ah run over ta him an give 'em a big hug.

"Didja have a good train ride son?"

"Yeah we all had breakfast an Pacer tol me ya helped his parents get a fancy hospital job."

"Yeah Ah shoulda tol ya bout it son. Ah was gonna surprise ya wit some good news once ya got here."

Mah eyes widen an Ah wonder what Pop's gotta say tha's so important.

"We's gonna be helpin yer grandmomma and granddaddy move ta Ireland this summer."

"We's gonna back ta Florida?!"

"Tha's right son. They's Kwimper kin too an Uncle Travis wants ta meet 'em."

"How's they gonna fit? Uncle Travis' house's barely big nough fer all a us as it is."

Pop smiles as he pats mah head.

"Wit the money Ah got from mah new fishin business, we's gonna be gettin our own house."

"Yippee! So that'd mean grandmomma an granddaddy's gonna be livin wit us now."

"Tha's right son. Ain't got the house yet, but once we get the deal done, we'll be movin outta Uncle Travis' house by the end a July."

"Wow! This' a great year."

"Only gets better from here son."

Pop chuckles as we start walkin ta a taxi.

"Yeah. Only gets better from here."

The End

An: Thank you all who supported this story. I've been working on book two while I've been releasing chapters. So far I'm about halfway done. If you liked how I wrote this story feel free to leave notes on my masterlist. Once I announce book two, that list will no longer be pinned.

Tagging: @arrolyn1114, @nemos-rapture, @xanatenshi, @briefpandatimemachine, @hooked-on-elvis,

@vintagepresley, @aliengoth3, @smokeymountainboy, @bigdaddyelvislover, @mercsandmonsters,

@pledgingmylovee, @presleysgirl6, @thetaoofzoe, and @elvispresley4life.

[0oolookitsme]

A Day Made Better

Type- Blurb

Verse- Marvel-Actress!Y/n x Marvel-Actor!Harry and Marvel-Actor!Tom Holland

Warnings- None that I can see, but please do tell me if there's any I should put!

Word Count- 912

A/N- I'm slipping back into writing a lot now. Like, I've literally got two more fics saved up and ready to be posted in my drafts and I'm onto working another one. You believe me now? Good. I hope you enjoy reading this <3

Description- Y/n isn't having the best day of her life, Tom can't seem to stop falling and Harry is just too good at making people happy with his little jokes.

It'll be a lie if they were to say that they 'didn't even try' to keep Harry from joining the duo of Tom and Y/n.

Cause they did, they really did try their best. Alas, sweat broke on their foreheads as they lost the unconfirmed battle. But that doesn't mean they are at peace now, oh that's such a no. Perhaps that's why they were gatekeeping Harry, to save them from any greater number of chaotic plans plotted against them.

Every morning, Harry is the first to arrive at the set. Followed by eating-something-Y/n and then a disheveled Tom. And everyone loves their presence but somedays they want nothing more than to tie the three up and throw them in some random deep pit.

Today, majority of the marvel actors are on the set because of some random interview filming which apparently required to them to be on the set. This made the lot who wasn't in the camera view feel annoyed- not sure with the interviewers or with the ones who are being interviewed.

Whatever the option, Y/n is most definitely annoyed with both.

She's been asked to come on set at 5am in the morning, since the last two weeks. Well, everyone has been. But today wasn't like just any other days, no. She had gotten her periods last night, which she blames to make her cry last night. In the morning when she woke up, she was met with her unpleasantly puffed-up eyes, causing her to cry almost again especially when her hair wouldn't get in a proper braid.

At the end, she washed her face with cold once again, looked away from the mirror and threw her hair in a hand curated bun. And, as expected, it looked better than anything.

Then when she arrives on set, she sees Tom on the ground looking like an embarrassed five-year-old, and Harry who's standing right behind him, clutching his stomach and laughing his lungs out while providing his friend with his arm for support.

That did turn the corner of her lips up a tad bit. But when she was told how there wasn't going to be any shooting done today because of interview she and the other two are not a part of, she felt like ripping her hair off her scalp.

She had asked if they could go back then, but the answer she received might be the reason she's sitting in a corner as she registers the fact that this day was going to go down the sink of moodiness.

"Let me tell you a joke," Harry came to sit down beside her, his thigh touching with hers and y/n's not sure if it's because his love language is physical touch or just an unintentional thing. Either thought makes her smile a little. "But you'd have to participate in this one- just once!"

"So, a papa tomato, a mummy tomato and a baby tomato were walking down the street. The baby tomato was walking too slow and got a little behind the parent tomatoes. That made papa tomato mad, and he squished the baby tomato, telling him to: 'ketchup!'" Harry shrieked at the last word and started giggling himself before fixing his eyes on y/n's mouth to see if it made her smile even.

It's like she's laughing, but she doesn't want to laugh- like she wanted to remain sad. Which makes Harry bump his shoulder with hers and laugh along.

Y/n feels something brush on her back before the third musketeer's voice follows. "What's so funny, eh?" He asks as he tries his best to sit down in his kinda tight skinny jeans. "Tell me too, my day hasn't been very heartful either. It's been rather hurtful," he continues himself, squeezing out an unexpected laugh by the other two.

"He's been falling on his ass all morning long," Harry tells y/n as he calms down, still giggling every once in a minute. Though when he sees y/n frown in amusement, he goes on full tryna-convince-her mode. "Like literally!"

"I've fallen what, three times? And what did you do about it, other than wheezing huh?" Tom defends himself from the other side.

"What else could you expect me to do? Massage your arse??"

This snatched a wheeze from y/n's lungs as her body shrinks down. Clutching her stomach, she rises back up and starts to clap while still laughing hysterically.

"Shut up," Tom mumbles, the tops of his cheeks reddening as if someone pinched them.

Harry sputters out laughs as y/n and Tom tell him more about the pranks they have pulled on the rest of the cast members before. But none of them pulls a laugh as loud as the can toppled over Tom's head does.

"Should I throw the other two too, or are you guys coming here to get them?" Sebastian shouts from quite afar with two more cans in his hands.

"No wait! We're coming!" Y/n manages to string the words together in the middle of another wheel of laughter, all while Harry helps her up and Tom cusses out Sebastian.

With the cans finally in their hands, they come back to sit back at their spots. The time followed by goes like that, Y/n spilling her drink as she opens her can, Tom almost slipping over the same drink as he stands up to enact a scene from his favourite movie he was describing and Harry throwing lame jokes here and there.

Tagging- @onecrazydirectioner @tatehuxley222 (you both requested for a part 2 :)) | @marvel1dhp @eloquentree (you both asked to be tagged in all the works <3)

Feel free to reply under any of my original posts or send in an ask requesting to be added in the tag list <3

[animusicnerd]

I would like to request, deuce spade having like met a older ignihyde student that acts like a older brother to him. Like

Giving him advice

Offering to tutor him

Even having some of deuces favorite snacks on hand

Just being a caring older brother figure to deuce

Please and thank you

Deuce w/ Older Brother-Figure from Ignihyde

☾ Genre: Fluff

☾ Warnings: None

☾ Pairing(s): Deuce Spade x Ignihyde Student (platonic)

☾ Notes: I was not sure how to format this but I just went with a third-person kind of thing. It was a cute and fun request to write for though.

☾ Twisted Wonderland and its characters do not belong to me ☽

✦ When Deuce first meets this student, it's most likely because he was looking like a lost child on the first day of school and panicking because he was going to be last for class, which wouldn't be good considering he wants to be an honor student and honor students are never late for class. The Ignihyde student would probably be watching from a distance and laughing about it before he realizes, that the scene is kind of sad and pitiful. Deuce is asking for help but no one is doing anything because they're rushing off to their own classes. Eventually, he would take pity on Deuce and tell him the fastest route to get to class before just straight-up vanishing while hoping it was the last time he saw Deuce.

✦ That was not the case.

✦ He keeps on seeing Deuce around campus and it's unintentional and most of their run-ins would consist of Deuce being a lost child or him picking a fight with someone. He would see Deuce in the cafeteria or between classes as well but the second time he talks to Deuce is in the library.

✦ Deuce was attempting to study. Attempting. The first-year kept on getting frustrated with whatever it was and it was bothering the Ignihyde student, who was now questioning his life choices because he should've stayed in the dorm to work on his assignment today, but Professor Trein just had to make them do their research assignment on paper with paper resources instead of just using the internet. So he ends up going up to Deuce, asking if he needs help because it's been bothering him for the last hour looking at how pitiful Deuce looked. The first-year agrees and thanks him.

✦ It was here that he realized that Deuce was not only a troublemaker but a dumbass as well. It was middle school math and he was having trouble with it?? Were you not in school??

✦ Deuce answers yes, which kind of stuns him into silence, before he jokingly asks if Deuce was a bad boy or something.

✦ Another yes was given and he just knew that he couldn't leave Deuce alone after that. It wasn't because he felt bad for him—which he did—it was mostly because "how the fuck did this dumbass get in this school? I have to take him under my wing now, fuck."

✦ If you can't tell by now, this entire friendship consists of the reluctant caretaker and the dumbass that looks up to them.

✦ From then on, Deuce just always goes to this Ignihyde student for help if he can't get them from anyone else. Despite being in different grades, Deuce sees him a lot ("No, I'm not taking care of him. He's just... a weirdo, Ortho"). They end up talking a lot about machines and stuff during their study breaks and Deuce is sometimes seen helping him out, especially when he's fixing up a magical wheel. There are little stars in Deuce's eyes when he's explaining how everything works and why he's trying to upgrade the different systems to help riders like Deuce.

✦ He learns that Deuce gets hungry a lot too because whenever he's tutoring Deuce, the first-year's stomach is always growling. He always gets them instant noodles or some type of snack for Deuce and he has so much now that he just has them on hand in his backpack. Now whenever Deuce is hungry, he either seeks out the Ignihyde student or said student just pops up right in front of him and gives him a snack before walking away like nothing happened. Yes, this has disturbed Ace a couple of times because since when was Deuce friends with an upperclassman—from Ignihyde no less—and where did they even come from, they're in Trein's class.

✦ Speaking of Ace, yes, he knows all about the trouble Deuce gets into with him, the Ramshackle Prefect, and Grim. He just tells Deuce he wants no part of it and if the first-year dies, he would drag his soul back to his body and kill him again for leaving him. He also nearly has a heart attack when he learns that Deuce was present for about three overblot attacks.

✦ In addition to the tutoring, the food, and the worrying, he also tells Deuce all the ins and outs of NRC. This includes when it's the best time to head to the cafeteria for the really good food, how to get to his classes faster, which teachers Deuce should avoid, etc,. Basically, just a lot of advice on how NRC works, and yes, he always tells Deuce to try to keep his temper in check because nearly everyone in NRC doesn't and he can't always be there to break up fights.

✦ Overall, the Ignihyde student would always be watching over Deuce and taking care of him. Would he ever admit it? No, but Riddle and Trey thank him anyway when they find out Deuce has been hanging out with him and sees the student as a role model. He would definitely tease Deuce a lot but knows when to stop and does sometimes smack his head whenever he learns Deuce did something stupid. Deuce is very respectful towards him and always tries to make up for what the student does for him, but he never lets Deuce do that. It's just a really fun and wholesome senpai-kouhai friendship with Deuce mostly wanting to be like the Ignihyde student and said student saying, "That is not a good idea, my dude."

[bi-bard]

Dreaming - Tenth Doctor Imagine (Doctor Who)

Title: Dreaming

Pairing: Tenth Doctor X Reader

Word Count: 883 words

Warning(s): memory erasing

Summary: (Y/n) had been having dreams about a fantastical life. Something about them just doesn't feel quite right.

Author's Note: So... this is all in honor of all of the new Doctor Who news we've gotten because holy crap.

-------------------------------

I don't quite remember when the dreams started.

I really wouldn't question them if I wasn't a grown adult. If I wasn't, I would just let them be and excuse them as childish, vivid dreams.

I would find myself on some kind of spaceship. The TARDIS. I would get pulled out of my seat on some bench by some guy in a suit and a trench coat. Each time we would end up somewhere different. Each time would be a new adventure.

At first, I would wake up smiling pretty much every time one of those dreams happened. After a while, I got concerned. It felt weird to have such a long-running series of dreams around the same person. They were all far too vivid.

I was almost... scared.

The last dream left me more confused than anything else.

It started out normal. Being dragged on a new adventure with the same man. It was going well. And then, we made it back to the TARDIS.

He stopped me before I could walk in. I looked back at him. The world around me felt like it went silent before he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine. I would've reacted, but as soon as he kissed me, I woke up.

I spent the entire day confused and a little angry.

It was all so vivid.

I could've sworn that I felt the kiss. It wasn't all in my head. It had happened.

But it couldn't have.

It was all a dream.

This man wasn't even real.

I tried everything I could to shake the dream from my mind. The whole day was dedicated to trying to focus on everything else around me.

I was on my way home from work, completely lost in my thoughts. I was completely snapped out of my train of thought when my shoulder collided with someone.

"Sorry," I said, looking at the person I had hit.

"Sorry," the person replied.

I froze in my place when I focused on the man's face. It was him. Holy shit. It was actually him.

He was real.

Why... Why didn't I remember his name? What was it?

He seemed to pause for a moment, a sad look on his face. He muttered out another apology and took off down the road again.

I didn't move.

I stood on the sidewalk and watched after him.

What the hell was his name?

"Doctor," I muttered.

It felt like the pieces clicked into place.

Everything made sense.

The "dreams" fit into place.

I looked up, barely catching sight of the Doctor's coat just as he walked away. I took off running down the sidewalk.

"Doctor," I yelled.

The man stopped and turned around. He looked shocked, but he wasn't running.

I slowed down when I got to him, stopping a few feet away from him.

"Doctor," I said.

"(Y/n)," he replied. "How did you remember me?"

"I... I didn't until a few seconds ago," I explained. "I've... I've been having dreams for months. I didn't even think you were real."

The Doctor just stared at me, "I'm... I'm so sorry."

He stepped forward, but I stepped back.

I glared at him.

All of these memories were flooding back, and I was angry. He erased all of it. Every single memory I had of him. And I still had no idea why.

He didn't look shocked that I stepped away from him.

“You lied to me.”

“I did.”

“You made me think all of it was just some weird dream.”

“I did.”

“You made me believe that I was going crazy.”

“Unintentional, but I did.”

“Why make me go through all of that… and then come back?”

The Doctor paused, “Because I’m stupid and... I love you."

"No," I shook my head immediately. "You don't get to do all of this and then drop that bombshell. No."

"(Y/n)-"

"You left."

I stepped away from him.

"You left like it was nothing and I was left thinking that you weren't even real."

"I know-"

"Why should I even trust an ounce of what you say?"

He didn't respond. He knew that there was no answer that was going to work on me. He looked down at the ground. I sighed and went to walk away, feeling like I had already exhausted this conversation.

"You shouldn't," the Doctor spoke up as I walked away. I stopped and looked at him, arms crossed over my chest. "You shouldn't trust me. Not yet. I messed everything up. That's my fault."

I shifted on my feet.

"But I can fix that," he said. "If you come with me again, I can fix it. I can fix what I ruined."

He held out a hand to me. When I just looked at it, he wiggled his fingers.

"Come on," he muttered. "The moment you wanna leave, I'll drop you off right here. But I'm not leaving before I get a chance to fix what I did."

I let out a sigh and looked at the TARDIS behind him. I finally grabbed his hand. He smiled widely at me.

"Well, let's go then," I said.

He let out an excited laugh before pulling me over to the TARDIS.

It all felt much better when it didn't feel like some twisted dream.

-------------------------------

Masterlist (Includes links to All Writing Challenges)

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

[admiringlove]

doubt

+pairing: tsukishima kei x reader

+synopsis:  tsukki, the boy you’re desperately in love with. the boy who holds your hand softly as the two of you walk home together from school. the only question is, does the boy love you back just as much as you love him?

+genre: angst; fluff.

+word count: 1.6k

+warnings: none.

+author’s notes: this is an older fic, please note that my writing style has gotten better and i am producing newer fics that are better than this one. not that this fic is necessarily bad(it’s good i hope) but just my style has improved much more.

— request.

HIYA! I saw the request were open so I just wanted a full angsty Tsukki imagine. Do anything you want, I want that ANGST :DD

You and Tsukki had been dating for the past few months. Yamaguchi, being the neutral friend of the group, would always come to the rescue if the two of you had a fight or need help in talking to one another.

However, tonight was different. The dusk comes as a promise of starlight, of those eminent pearls of the twilight that sit as if cushioned upon pure black velvet. The heat of the day has ebbed to a soothing warmth. The sunshine has lost its luster, and the colors of the atmosphere are softened.

You, a teenager who had just gotten a 76-percent in Physics, was itching to find some comfort. You had pulled countless all-nighters for these exams. You had stayed up so many nights studying the reflecting rays and the incident rays and the formulas that you were just disappointed in yourself. You were in a bad mood already; expecting some calming words from Tadashi or Kei, you walk towards the volleyball gymnasium to find Tsukki, who looked so concentrated on the practice match being played.

The boys were practicing in so much perspiration and purpose, that you felt like simply watching them excel from afar. You sighed as Sugawara and Daichi greeted you before ending practice ten minutes earlier than usual, as everyone seemed drained. You waited patiently as the boys went to get changed, Hinata giving you a high-five and complimenting you before leaving.

"I'll walk you home after changing, will you wait for me?" Kei says as he picks up his bag and slings it over his shoulder. You nod, "Sure thing, Kei."

The blond walks over to the club room with everyone else, and you notice that Kei had left a shirt in the gym.

You headed to pick up Tsukishima's shirt that he had left behind. And as you headed up the stairs of the club room, you could overhear Tsukishima and Yamaguchi talking.

Talking about... you?

"Tsukki, shush. They're your [S/O]," Yamaguchi mumbles with paranoia evident in his tone. Tsukishima scoffs halfheartedly, looking away. He rolls his amber eyes in ignorance and continues, "They lied saying they studied for the Physics exam. Why would they want to lie about studying? It's them that got the lowest grade of the class, not me."

You hide next to the half-open door—heart breaking into pieces as you hear Tsukki say those words—and Yamaguchi gasps slightly when he sees you. You gesture him to keep quiet as you wanted to hear what Kei had to say about you. Truth is, you felt as if he was slowly falling out of love with you. He never gave you any song recommendations anymore, he never walked home with you, he never even bothered to talk to you, which was what pained you even more.

“Tsukishima, why would you say that about your own partner?” Suga asked to lighten the mood a little, but Tsukishima only replied, “I don’t like it when people lie to me.”

And then, the boy continued. 

"It's annoying to even be with them, at this point. They're clingy, and—"

You clutch the shirt in your palm tightly, walking away. You didn't want to hear anymore. Rapidly blinking to stop the tears brimming at the corner of your eyes, you sped up your pace. Your shoulders dropped in resignation as you tightened your chapped lips in a straight line. You bit down on the inside of your cheek, as you grabbed your backpack and began the walk towards your home. What could you do, anyway? Beg him to stay with you a little longer? Obviously not, that would make you look desperate.

But what could you do, anyway? You didn't want to admit it, but you were desperate. You were desperately in love with the sarcastic remarks, the signature smirk, the teasing eyes, the nonchalant "good morning, [Y/N]-chan", the recommendations of songs that would blow your mind, the sweet midnight trips to your house just because he was bored, the small lingering kisses that would make you want more, and what else? There was so much about Tsukishima Kei that you were in love with. You couldn't put it into words even if you tried. You imagined a future with him even though the two of you were high-school freshmen.

You were alone, walking the empty streets as tears welled up from deep inside your heart and coursed down your cheeks. Like a warm waterfall in the middle of autumn. You were being killed by your own unruly thoughts that were getting the best of you. How was he going to break up with you? Was this it? Was he simply never going to talk to you again?

You finally got home, shrugging your mother off saying that you weren't in the mood for dinner as you wiped your tears and ran up the stairs.

You avoided Tsukishima for the whole week. After all, what good does a clingy [S/O] do other than annoying their partner?

"[Y/N]!" you hear Tadashi's voice echo through the corridor just as you're about to leave. You stayed behind for a couple of extra minutes because you liked the soothing silence your school provided. The bell ringing, the leaves of the trees rustling, the smell of books and chalk, the nostalgic feeling overwhelming you of memories buried deep.

The school was a safe place without anyone around.

"Ah, Tadashi!" you grinned, you grabbed your belongings and rushed over to the boy, greeting him once again. He rubs the back of his neck nervously as he asks, "You haven't talked to Tsukki all week, have you?"

"Oh, I haven't? I didn't notice," you chuckle nervously, obviously knowing that Yamaguchi was concerned about you since the day he had seen you overhear his conversation.

What you didn't know, was that Tsukishima was standing merely five feet away, hidden inside a classroom. He was quizzically standing there, not moving an inch so he could hear what you had to say. Did you want to break up with him? Was that why you hadn't initiated a single conversation with him? Was that why you would leave your home earlier than usual so you could walk without him? Was that why you wouldn't even bother to look at his message(even though he had only tried to contact you twice—one text, and one call)?

"[Y/N], I know you heard when Tsukki complained about your grade in the Physics exam," Tadashi grimaced, gritting his teeth as he tried to look away from you. You widened your eyes as you tried to find a suitable explanation that would fix the problem in front of you.

Tsukishima, on the other hand, was shocked. He didn’t know you were there that day. His hands were in his hair as he slowly sunk to his knees. His breathing becoming more rigid, more uneven as his mind went frantic. You had heard him call you clingy. You had heard him openly criticize you in front of the whole team. You had heard him say such mean things about you.

He couldn't fathom what you were feeling.

"It's not like I care about Physics anyway," you giggle, trying to lighten the mood, "Even if I got a low score, I still passed."

"Can you not joke around?" Yamaguchi asked in a deadpan tone that made you get goosebumps. You sighed, looking at him right in the eye, and claimed, "The other option is I cry and face my overwhelming sadness that my own boyfriend called me clingy and dumb even though I try so hard to be a person he deserves, so no."

To say that Tadashi was taken aback, was an understatement. You smiled as you let out a dry chuckle, and walked away.

That night, Tsukishima Kei was the one crying himself to sleep.

"Good morning, [Y/N]-chan," you heard an all-too-familiar voice behind you as you walked out to buy groceries. You stopped in your tracks, [E/C] eyes widening as you let out an unintentional hum.

"Can we talk?" he asked. You turned around hesitantly to see that his features no longer displayed the desultory expression he used to display. His forbearance was dying by the passing minute—he was worried as he stepped toward you, but stopped as he witnessed you take a step back.

His amber eyes searched for some comfort in yours, but he couldn't find himself to look at your face—as if your hurt expression would break him down even more. He never meant to hurt you with his snarky laid-back words. He didn't even mean most of them.

"I'm sorry if I have been a clingy or annoying [S/O], Tsukishima," you mumble, kicking a pebble lightly. It doesn't even pain you to say it anymore—your voice is calm and emollient as if you didn't mind saying these words. He grimaced at the fact that you didn’t call him “Kei” as his guilt uproared even more. 

Your tone caused him to wince as he looked up at your face. There was no sign of apathy, like your tone. Instead, your eyes were shut tightly, as if you were trying to stop yourself from having a breakdown right there. He stepped closer to you, hoping that you wouldn't walk away this time, as he placed a palm on your head—gently fiddling with the strands of your [H/C] hair. His touch is like embrocation; the sudden relief of all pain cast inside has been let out along with a single tear taking its course on your cheek.

Your furtive façade breaking down slowly as he held you in his long, yet firm arms. You were like a gossamer—so delicate, that Kei was scared he'd break you.

"I'm so sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things about you. I shouldn’t have ignored you," he mumbled into your hair as he embraced you tightly. You shook your head in disagreement as you muffled out a reply, "I was the one that didn't do well. It's my fault."

"You did your best," he mused. You hummed indulgently, as he held your hand in his, "I'm walking you to wherever you're headed."

"You don't even know where I'm going," you chuckled out, as the boy smiled down at you, "So? I meant it when I said I’d follow you anywhere when we began dating.”

© all works belong to admiringlove on tumblr. plagiarism is strictly prohibited.

[blueeyedheizer]

Alive Again - Billy/Four x reader

TW: Language, Blood

--------------

"Eight, I need a hand !"

"Well I'm kind of busy right now. Why don't you ask Five?" You spat, still keeping an eye on your target from behind your sniper rifle. Four groaned at your answer and you rolled your eyes, holding your weapon firmly.

"Come on Eight, now's not the time to be a little bitch! I need backup!"

"Fuck you, Four."

"For God's sake can you two shut up already? I feel like i'm working with actual children!" One barked from the other side of the mic, and you could tell he was definitely getting angry at your childish attitude. There wasn't a day where you and Four weren't fighting, and every mission ended with you two yelling at each other for the silliest reasons.

"Eight, you go help Four, end of discussion." One continued.

"I'm on the other side of the goddamn building, how the fuck am I supposed to make it without dying !" You yelled, clearly loosing your patience as well.

"Two's got you covered, you're not dying today, got it? Now get a hold of yourself and go!" You let out a loud sigh and checked your surroundings carefully before running reluctantly towards the opposite direction of your target. You hated being given a task out of nowhere. You weren't very self-assured so everything you did had to be planned or you just weren't ready for it. The thing is, One didn't seem to get it and that pissed you off more than anything.

Your race against time was abruptly interrupted as soon as you stepped inside one of the building's luxurious rooms; a guard bursted in the room at the same time as you and aimed his gun at you, his finger firmly placed around the trigger.

That's it. I'm dying today. You thought.

The guy took a step closer to you, the grip on his gun tighter than it was seconds ago making you hold your hands up in defense.

"Drop your gun." the man threatened and you shook your head no.

"I said drop your fucking gun!" before you could even process what was happening, a loud bang was heard and the man's dead body fell on the floor, making you scream. His head was half gone and he was already laying in a pool of his own blood. You let out a scream in horror. "Holy fucking shit!"

"You're welcome." Two said, exhaling a deep sigh of relief. "Almost missed him." She tried to joke, but you weren't in the mood for that. Without letting yourself think too much, you swallowed hard and started running as fast as you could. You were used to seeing dead people since you joined the Underground but it was never easy to witness. You might have been declared dead but your feelings definitely didn't die with that part of you.

"Why did I get myself into this?" you whispered to yourself before continuing your way to find Four. You couldn't help but have some regrets about joining the Underground. Watching your family mourn you at your own funeral was one of the hardest thing to do, and you often felt like all of this wasn't worth it. Most of your missions were complete disasters, and the fact that all of you were still alive to this day was a miracle.

xx

After running for what seemed an eternity, you finally reached the opposite side of the building where Four was supposed to be.

"Alright asshole, back to you. Where are you?" you called.

No answer

"Four! Do you copy?"

"Eight-." his mic was crackling. He was in trouble. Just by hearing him say your code name, you could tell he was breathless, almost struggling to speak. You let out a gasp when a bullet flew right next to you, and you rushed to the closest safe place you could find.

"Shit! Guys, I think I'm surrounded."

"Yeah, there's three guys hot on your heels, but I've got them in sight. They won't follow you for too long. Keep running." Seven answered and you nodded before going back to making your way inside the building. "Four i'm gonna need some indications. Where are you?"

Still no answer.

"Four?" Your heart began to race when you heard fighting sounds and screams of pain coming from your mic.

"Eight...please, help..."

"I'm on my way. But I need to know where you are. Give me a hint. Anything you can tell me."

"He's gonna kill me."

"Fuck's sake...Just hang on. I'm coming to you." The mic made another crackling sound and then went silent.

"Guys we've got a problem" Three interrupted.

"God, what now?" you answered, your heart beating faster with every passing second.

"The cops are everywhere, we have to go now. They'll be surrounding the whole building anytime from now." You started running faster, being careful to check if every corner around you was clear.

"Eight, you have to come back. We're running out of time." One said through the mic.

"No, fuck this. I'm not leaving anyone behind. Just go without me, we'll find a way to get back to you guys."

One let out a sigh and rubbed his face with his hands. He was definitely not approving your decision but chose to let you handle the situation anyway. "Alright. Good luck. Don't die."

You closed your eyes tightly, realizing what you were doing. You were walking right into the lion's den, and you got yourself into it on your own.

Quickly, you dashed behind a wall, hiding from any potential enemy. You tried to catch your breath but your bulletproof vest was making it harder. After a few seconds, you peeked around and made your way towards a corridor where you could hear punches being thrown along with some loud crashing.

xx

You finally found Four after what felt like an eternity. He was being beaten up horribly, and you could hardly believe the scene in front of you. Four looked completely helpless, the pain was so unbearable that he didn't even bother screaming for help. You immediately grabbed your gun and shot the guy on top of him, and you heart sank at the sight in front of you. Four's face was covered in bruises, and dried blood matted his hair against his forehead. You held out your hand for him to take and told the team you'd found him. One, Three and Seven were arguing on the other side, but you weren't listening.

"You good?"

Four groaned and grabbed your hand, standing up painfully. "Yeah."

"What the hell happened?"

"Since when do you care?" he spat and you scoffed, trying to hide how hurt you were after hearing those words.

"Yeah, whatever. Let's go. We're running out of time"

----

Back to the HQ, you were sitting in front of your trailer, watching as Five took care of Four's multiple bruises. You couldn't help but feel angry at the sight of them being together. Was it jealousy? No. It couldn't be. You let out an unintentional scoff when you heard her laugh at something Four had said.

"So....Have you two fucked yet?" Two asked, taking a long drag of her cigarette and getting you out of your thoughts. You choked on your drink, making her chuckle.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Wha- Why on earth would I want to fuck him? I can't fucking stand him." you spat, throwing a cold glare towards his and Five's direction.

"Of course you don't. You just risked your life for someone you hate, nothing weird 'bout that. I would definitely do that too." Two answered as a smirk appeared on her face.

"Oh, fuck off Two. I don't like him. He's- he's selfish, self-centered, ungrateful and he's- he's....he's just a fucking asshole!" You yelled. Two was taken aback by your reaction, not expecting you to take her teasing so seriously. Everyone was looking at you, including Four and Five, and you'd never felt so exposed before. You could feel your cheeks began to burn so you shook your head and went inside your trailer, slamming the door shut behind you.

xx

You were laying on your bed when you got startled by the sound of your door opening. You sat up and groaned when your eyes met Four's.

"Haven't you heard of knocking? What do you want?" You got up from your bed and walked to the opposite direction of him, turning your back at him.

"Five told me I should say thank you for saving my life so, here I am." he was standing awkwardly in front of the door, his hand buried in his pockets. You scoffed.

"Yeah whatever. You're welcome, I guess. Now get out."

"What's your problem, Eight? Seriously. What's this all about?" he suddenly spat, making you turn around. "What did I ever do for you to hate me so much?" he added.

"What's my problem? I risked my fucking life for someone who wouldn't do the slightest for me, that's my goddamn problem !" you yelled, not even caring if the others could hear you. Tears were threatening to fall from your eyes but you fought hard to hold them back. Four stayed silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. He broke the silence after a few seconds.

"You know that's not true, Eight." his voice was soft. So much softer than it had been only a moment before, which only made you want to cry harder.

You scoffed again and shook your head. "Oh come on. You and I both know it's true."

"Eight, come on..." Four took a few steps towards you and reached for your arm but you pulled back quickly, as if his touch would burn your skin.

"Y/N."

"What?"

"My name. It's Y/N."

Four could see how sad and broken you were, and to his own surprise he found himself wishing he could make all your pain go away. You two just stood there for a moment, not knowing what to say. Four was obviously not expecting this when he walked into your trailer. He thought you'd be fighting again like you always did, but finding you so broken was the very last thing he expected to be confronted to. This time you were the first one to break the silence.

"I'm not the person I used to be." You confessed. "I can't even recognize myself and I don't know why I act the way I do." You choked out, as Four watched you with a sympathetic expression. "I'm so fucking pathetic I just-, I'm so sorry."

"Come here, Y/N." He opened his arms for you and you walked into them without hesitation, not caring about anything else at the moment. Him calling you by your real name was enough for you to let go and put all your bitterness aside. No one had ever held you since you joined the Underground, this being one year ago. But that's all you needed. To know that you were still a human being, worthy of being loved and cared about. You allowed yourself to sob against Four's shoulder, something you never thought you'd ever do.

"I just want to feel alive again."

[frogsandfries]

I was thinking about

If I actually have ADHD.

I know exactly when I had my paradigm shift.

It was the first time I smoked marijuana. After that, I couldn't help but see that a) my brain didn't work the way I thought it did, and b) it was even less normal than just having SAD.

A lot of the symptoms are there--chatty, absent-minded, struggling with executive functions like actually making phone calls I really did intend to make. Procrastination is like, a hallmark cornerstone of my existence. The only reason some things get done pretty regularly that wouldn't otherwise is, I've made a point out of stuff like keeping my kitchen clean, organizing my dishes and groceries. I was gaslighted as a child and young teen into doing other things, like putting things in their place. Shoes go here, backpack here, glasses here. If I consistently put them in the same place, and someone tries to fuck with me, I've got them, even if I will still spend the whole morning looking for my shoes because someone wants to make me look irresponsible. I don't miss that. Now I can be certain if my item is missing, it was unintentional. Anyway.

But unlike SAD--I'm fully charged and upbeat and cheerful on sunny and cloudless days, and I drag like worn out clockwork on gloomy days; even more than that, the shortening of the days really throws off my internal clock, and then daylight "savings" throws me further off. That's another thing that makes me question if I actually have ADHD. On the one hand, I would say one of my internal minutes is significantly shorter than a consensus minute; on the other hand, doesn't everyone have days where hours have passed and you swear it's barely been an hour? And conversely, days where it's been minutes but you swear it's been at least an hour.

I think the same incidence that helped me fully realize that I have SAD is the same incidence: I'd been spending a lot of time outside, on account of being all but homeless, and I really counted on the sun to help me effortlessly and unconsciously keep track of the time. Then, for several weeks, the sun would just........ sit right at that height in the sky and I felt so thrown off. Had I been working for an hour or six?

But I feel like ADHD is so...... over-saturated in the public conscious. One serious assessment taken over the internet does not a diagnosis make. Plus, doesn't everybody have trouble concentrating on things they find boring? Do I actually find boring things empirically more boring than other people find them?

I've always been very talkative; does that mean my aunt was right and spotted my ADHD when I started school?? What was my dad thinking by shooting her down, telling me there was nothing wrong with me? Admittedly, I grew up when the thing was that if you had autism or dyslexia or anything, you just didn't talk about it. It's also historically difficult for women to get the treatments that they need to manage their mental health because women's mental health looks different from men's. It's just accepted that little girls are chatter-boxes, right?

Actually, I talked soooooooo much more as a child than my sisters.

And in the beginning of my school experience, I would start assignments and not finish them, and then not have them ready to hand in. I did get this straightened out because I wanted to do well in school AND succeed, and they started introducing tools to the entire class. Actually, maybe all those heaps of assessments I did when I started school, somewhere in there was a diagnosis of ADHD......

Is it ADHD? It sure is something. I know part of it is my verbal language processing. I can hear just fine, for the most part, but language just escapes me. Listening to accents other than my own requires maximum concentration; ESL ascents are just.......I just don't have enough exposure.

I don't at all understand what it was about getting high that changed the way I perceive the way my own mind works. Some things just got quiet or went to sleep briefly, and when everything came entirely back online, everything was different and I couldn't pretend anymore.

A diagnosis doesn't really mean anything. Knowing that I have something called "seasonal affective disorder" doesn't change the fact that shortened days and less sun fucks with my head and it's my responsibility to cope with that, to put one foot in front of the other, and put one dish in the dishwasher if I can't stand to put them all away at once.

[imxenelle]

Farewell Kim Jonghyun

To be honest, I don't know how to start this blog but I will try my best to make my point clear. And I hope people will take their time to read this. This might be a bit long but please.. Bare with me. Thank you.

I am someone at the age of 19 years old. Eversince I was a child, I had depression. What triggered my depression was watching my family breaking apart and losing a family member because of depression. I was at the age of 4, an age where I shouldn't understand yet what was going on. I should've focused on playing with kids or do stuff like a normal kid should do, but I did not. Instead, I was by my mothers side as I watched her cry every night. I took care of her whenever I could as I wiped away her tears and brought her tissues and a glass of water. I was also always alert when she was about to collapse. I kept her cellphone ready in order to call for help or was ready to run out to our neighbors eventhough it was in the middle of the night. To make it short, I did not acknowledge my depression until I was in elementary. I went to a psychiatrist almost 2 times a week.

Now that I am 19, I've recently realized as to why my depression comes back every now and then. It is not because of my past. I accepted years ago that my family wouldn't be the way it used to be. So I do know that this is not the main reason for my mental issue today.

It was around the first week of September 2017 when I realized, after all these years, that I was the reason behind my depression. I'm the main cause. I am pressured by my own self. I exhaust my own self without noticing it all those years.

After I realized this, the whole reason behind my anxiety and depression, I couldn't stop myself from hurting myself anymore. I was tired of myself once again. On the 23rd September, I tried to overdose myself. 7-8grams, but nothing happened to me, not even after I fell asleep. I got mad. I was annoyed. I couldn't understand why I was still breathing and alive. But I eventually moved on and well, went on with my life.

I'm doing well today.

The point about this blog is, Jonghyun and I have the same reason as to why we're suicidal and have depression. Please, I am not claiming that we have the exact reason nor do I try to claim something else. We are both different people with different feelings and emotions.

I've read an article where Jonghyun's letter was posted and I was extremely shocked hearing about him being depressed about himself. I don't know how to express myself nor do I know if I'm even saying this right. I felt like I understood where he was coming from when he said that people should not judge ones' depression, mostly if you have no clue what he or she is going through. Also when a person was questioning the reason of Jonghyuns' depression. You cannot tell a person what was triggering his mental issues when he himself knew it already.

Having depression myself, I know what a struggle it can be. So I am very thankful to the people who are there for me and never giving up on me. So I hope people out there has at least someone they can trust and depend on whenever they need someone. If you think you don't have anyone, you can always message me. I'm always ready to make friends and be there for someone who needs a shoulder to lean and cry on.

And before I end this blog, I would like to copy paste something I wrote on my IG. I wrote it into 3 parts.

1. "It's all in your mind" "Don't let it go to your head" "Think positive" "Those feelings aren't permanent" "Others have it worse than you"

Please, please stop using those words when someone opens up to you about their problems. About their loud cries in their head. Their silent tears that scream for help. Stop. Please stop promising to a person who has anxiety/depression that you're there for them when you just end up leaving them with their thoughts. With their killing thoughts that no one hears but them. Please stop offer help if you refuse to listen but just put your own words into our mouths. You may reflect upon our situation but please do not talk for us. We may have the same situation but we do not have the same feelings. Please do not compare us with others as we are all different from each other. We do know that people out there may have it worse than us but we do not need it to be rubbed under our noses. We know. Please understand that we are troubling with ourselves. We do not mean to bother others so we keep it to ourselves. But the more we keep it to ourselves, the more people get affected, isn't it? I apologize for that. But please know that I am trying my best to do better, to be okay, to be happy. Please do understand as I try to help myself to be okay because I know no one can help me except myself. But the problem is, I do not know how to help myself anymore. Please do understand that talking may be tiring for us by now as we try to explain over and over again. It's not like we refuse to talk. It's not like that. Please don't force us to talk. It's just really tiring now that we just shut down and stay quiet and just cry. Please understand that anxiety and depression isn't just a feeling of being scared and sadness. It's not. It's something we cannot explain once it hits you. Please do not tell us to think of something positive. It is not like we do not want to. We do try to think positive. But once it hits us, our mind goes blank. It shuts off. Yes, sometimes we do not think but just feel. So please stop saying it is all up in our mind. We do not feel the pain in our mind but in our heart.

2."Try harder" "Your 'trying' isn't enough" "Don't try, do it" "Trying won't hurt"

It ain't easy the way it sound like. Please do not tell us that we should do something in order to make ourselves busy. To make our mind busy. It's because it'll make sound like we aren't trying. But we do. We do know that you mean only good but at the back of our mind it'll still bother us to the point that our mind starts to think "I am trying!" God damn it, we are trying. I am trying. Putting these words into my own mind and mouth is like adding salt to a fresh wound. I take the salt from you and pour it unto my own open flesh so it'll hurt less, but it doesn't. Please do know that we are trying our best to be okay. We try our best to stay happy. Because who doesn't wants happiness in their life? We want it too. We want it to last, even if it would be for a single day. So we try our best to do all the things we love to do, even if it'll takes a risk and a step beyond the line we're scared to cross. Taking the risks in life gave us sometimes the taste of happiness but coming at the end of the day, the same feeling comes back, even if we do not want to welcome it back. It's because IT welcomes us back.

So please, do not tell us to try harder because we do not try. We DO our best.

3. "You're being too dramatic" "Attention seeker" "It'll be okay"

Please stop saying that we're being too dramatic and that we're attention seekers. It hurts. Emotions and feelings aren't something to joke about. Please understand that we rather choose to keep it to ourselves instead of telling it to others. Keep it away even from our friends and loved ones. Sometimes they do not understand us either. Please understand that it hurts the most as we cry in our own 4 walls as we try not to make a sound in order for people not to hear us. It hurts. It hurts when loved ones don't understand. But it hurts the most when they blame themselves because we feel this way. We do not want to blame anyone but ourselves. Our own mind. Please do not talk down on us as you say "it'll be okay". People like I hold unto your words in hope you are saying the truth but cry in pain as these were words were filled with no sincerity but air. We do not blame you for these words that slip from your lips but our idiotic selves for trusting and holding unto something that can't promise us anything. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when you can't see your own tomorrow. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when we've been told this now since years. We are still not okay. Please stop giving us false hope that were meant to be unintentional.

ㅡㅡㅡ

I am done. I'm sorry if this was a long blog but I would like to give my sincerest thank you if you read it till here!

Please message me if you like to talk to me! You can open up to me about anything. I'm happy to make friends! And please remember to spread love. I love you peeps so much! Always take care of yourself! ❤

Lastly, I would like to end this blog with a short message to our Jonghyun.

.

Dear Jonghyun,

How are you? Are you doing well? I do hope you're well and safe. I believe that you're in a place now where you can rest your tired soul. I would like to thank you for being my very first ultimate bias. Thank you and SHINee for bringing me in into the Kpop world. Thanks to you, I found something I can hold unto whenever I feel down and happy of course. Thank you for being my joy and inspiration and motivation. Thank you for sharing your blessings with us. Your beautiful voice with your sweet and kind heart. Thank you for being you Jonghyun. I am sorry if I'm still crying as I write this but please know that I love you so much and that I miss you. I am sorry if I tried to run away from my own sadness and reality. I tried to run and build a wall from the reality that was right in front of me. I was scared to face it. I couldn't believe it and refused to accept it. It was too painful for me to let you go just yet. But knowing that you're in a safe place now, I try to let go. I'm slowly letting go of you. But it doesn't mean I will forget you. I will never forget you Jonghyun. You will always have a place in my mind and heart. You did well.

Rest in Peace Kim Jonghyun.