#but like i have anxiety.... and when im anxious around new people my first thought is never 'OH! i should say something really antisemitic

[andichoseyou]

quick question. so my friend group has been having some "drama" these last few weeks and i need an outside view. one of our friends, lets call him Fred has started dating a guy, lets call him Rusty. fred and rusty have been together a while but the rest of the group doesn't really know anything about rusty. one night, we end up at fred's house and rusty is there. that night, rusty says some really nasty and antisemitic things while we're watching a movie, none of us know what to say and we're all hoping that fred will call him out and tell him to stop. rusty continues and says things like "this is making me hate jewish people even more" and called a jewish female character a "dirty jew bitch." that night we also learned from one of our friends in the group that rusty has said "yellow people" when referring to asian people. he has also said the G slur when referring to asian people. we sat down and talked to fred a couple days later to tell him how uncomfortable and disappointed we were. its been almost a month later and fred is still with rusty and keeps deflecting when we ask him about it. saying things like "he says racist things but i dont believe he is racist" and "i am trying to challenge him." i don't think he understands how hurt we all are that he continues to stay with this guy who has said some really fucked up shit. it has gotten to the point where none of us even want to be around fred. i wanna know if anyone thinks we're overreacting or handling this wrong... we have poc in our friend group, and fred is a white/non-jewish man who has never experienced racism and never will. it feels really strange to me that he would bring rusty around knowing he says those fucked up things. we literally have an asian friend in our group who has expressed they cannot be friends with someone who has a boyfriend who is xenophobic. like DUH???? from an outside view, knowing only these details, do you think we should try to continue being friends with someone who is not willing to break up with their racist/antisemitic boyfriend? or is it valid that we're still hung up on the fact that he would even want to be around that guy?

[screechingsandwichtriumph]

Peter Parker x reader

(this is with a gn reader:))

Warnings: making out , has some fighting , some evil people shit , nothing triggering really, yandere themes

Summary: peter doesn't think you are ready for a big fight but you prove him wrong(+ you two are spearing and he somehow ends up on top of you)

Asks are always open<3

Peter has been in the team some time before you joined and it is completely fair to say that he is head over heels for you from the moment he saw you

He thought you were the most precious thing in the world and wondered how you managed to became an avenger

He would kinda stumble on his words a bit , but when in his suit it like he is a whole new person

Now , when it came to your training , it was mentored by The Natasha Romanoff.

She was awesome in it and helped both you and Peter to improve your fighting skills. You lived her , but there was a slight problem with the way she taught

She had a strict no powers policy when training

Now , for you that meant , absolutely no special abilities, while on the other hand , Peter had it easier his strength and other enhanced sences making it easy for him to overpower you

He loved it when you two spared since he could show you how stronger he is than you and how he can easily protect you if he needs to

Don't get me wrong , you were good , but in peters opinion good was not enough to go on a real mission

So when you guys were assigned your first real mission together , peter freaked

He went straight to Tony , almost begging him to rethink. Tony however just assured him that everything will be alright and left him freaked out

He started thinking of ways to stop you from going , but nothing would convince you to back out

Then the day of the mission came and while Peter had been hoping that everything will go just fine and you won't have to fight ,the worst possible thing happened

' Peter there are around ten men coming my way right now'

Your voice slightly disformed , informed him through the radio installed in both of your suits

That was the last thing peter wanted to hear . His first instinct was to drop everything and come to your aid , but he knew that wasn't possible . He had to get this disk or a lot of people would die.

' What! Ok love , hang tight , I'm coming right now'

Peter nearly yelled , his anxiety flying through the roof

He heard you chuckle through the headpiece. While defeating the other villains he tried communicating with you but he got no answers whatsoever, sending his anxiety flying

' Im sorry buddy , no evil planning anymore' he told some man he had webbed up , his voice anxious

' please answer me , are you alright?' he once again asked but got no answer.

It took him less than five minutes to get to your location , but that was too much

There you stood in the middle of 10 men and some really weird shaped rocks. He wanted to think about what was happening but could not physically since his brain was almost going to explode along with his heart.

You sat there in a cross legged pose ,your eyes shut and your face greener than usual

He run up to you , almost falling to the ground besides you . His hands reached around your body hugging you.

' I was so so worried'

He shackily admitted his brows furrowed together , and his breath short

You slowly hugged him back. He could feel the way your hear raised through your suit

Peter found out that day about your powers

He actually wondered how that was possible since he has been stalking you often and never seen you use them

You were surprised by that fact , since you didn't hide them or anything

When you returned to the avengers tower with your first successful mission , all the avengers there congratulated you and ushered you to the infirmary

Wanda came over talking to you about your powers and the way ou handled the situation

She said she was completely amazed by the way , not only you handled your powers that were so hard to control , but also managed to keep your spirit calm after the fight.

I wish I could say that Peter never worried about you again in a mission , but that would be a lie. He continued worrying about you , mission after mission , he always tried to convince you to not go

Just a little bonus :)))

(warning: this turned in a whole make out session and also I don't know how people fight so....)

Natasha had left the training room in an urgent bussiness and she ordered you and Peter to just continue your sparing , letting you know she is not coming back

Peter was realistically stronger than you in a hand fight , but now that Natasha was gone you had some ideas

You both stood against each other a light coat of sweat on your faces. He smiled at you , and you smirked back at him

He was the first to make a move throwing a punch your way. You easily dodged it and tried returning the favor

He too avoided the hit and with a swift move brought you down on the mattress

'Oops sorry love '

Peter said with a slight mocking tone

You looked up at him with big eyes acting all innocent and when he reached his hand out for you to get, you pulled him down too

Now he was on top of you , his weight making a small 'oomf' leave your lips. You smiled at him and a ' hello Handsome ' was quick to follow

'Hello beautiful ' he answered smiling down at you . A small piece of hair had left position and was in front of his face in the most charming way possible. His hands reached out for yours , softly holding them , while his legs interlocked with yours.

He looked deep in your eyes , and leaned in to kiss you. You kissed him back passionately and flipped you two around , causing you to be on top and to smirk at him playfully

' oops sorry love ' you said in a slightly mocking way your tone matching his earlier one

He looked up at you socked for a moment and then kissed you flipping you over once more

' I think we should spear more often' Peter said between kisses ' you look so pretty'

I wrote this after a request by @slaymbo (thank you so much for requesting <3)

[digital-mine]

Do you ever forget that you are a person? That you have skin and a beating heart? That you need to breathe to keep your heart pumping? That you are able to feel things? That you are able to cry?

Well, do you forget it's unhealthy to bottle up those emotions?

Even if you don't want to get better, I don't want you to bottle up your emotions, I want you to be okay (Well as okay you can be while not getting better) and I want you to know that you will be okay.

I want you to know that you'll be okay and that you are loved.

(You can try guess who I am if you want hehe)

an angel ?!??!?!? i dont wanna make assumptions but i would love to know who u are ꒰ ◞ ◟ ꒱ thank u sm for this i rlly rlly love u but i also apologize cuz this hit too hard and imma need to drop my lore now so be ready for a HUGE yap session (you dont have 2 read this, its just to get off my chest, i still appreciate u !!!)

i can NOT not bottle up my emotions, ive been doing it for so long i have no idea how to even act on my actual feelings anymore; im literally almost a completely different person than the one who acts in my place. and for that reason i never actually feel loved. even though people around me care for me, i dont really feel it. i only feel that they tolerate me because that is what im trying to do all the time - to be tolerable and not annoying, not a burden, not make anyone uncomfortable, not bothersome etc. so i suppress all my thoughts and feelings. BUT YK WHAT???? it didnt actually work!!! before, i annoyed people, now i make them uncomfortable in a different way. because im so quiet and unresponsive, people call me rude, weird, emotionless,, and its not like i can just now be "myself", i physically CANT because i have huge fucking anxiety and my social skills are ass. i dont actually like attention irl, i hate being perceived. attention online however is completely different because this is actually the first ive EVER been as comfortable and open as i am with people. because here i dont get the weird or special treatment, everyone is messed up in a way and i dont have an expectation upon me so i dont worry about being judged or looked down upon. when people are capable of liking me despite all my issues i almost feel loved, but then again my mind keeps reminding me its not genuine and no one truly loves me. no one hates me and wants to hurt me either, im that unimportant that people either tolerate me or are just indifferent to me.

i think something is just inherently wrong with me because ive been this way since i was a kid. and people let me know about it. i was shy back then but not quiet, and often times people would get mad or annoyed with me. either that or they would ignore me and leave me out. i might be a really sensitive person and all this caused me to be withdrawn; but i just have no fucking idea how to act 'normally' for people to like me. i try to copy what people do and say, but it feels so unnatural. i just cant communicate with anyone, i cant make genuine connections.

it also doesnt help that i also had to leave my country because of war, and being in a new country with a new language and everything made it all worse. because i have one major reason added to not speak and its my way of speaking, im really insecure about it. the war itself might have fucked me up more because of being constantly paranoid and anxious about my family dying whenever theyre out + couldnt socialize properly because of being home most of the time and my friends who live near me leaving the country. im not trying to complain too much about this though, im technically lucky since im still alive, my family didnt die, my house was not b0mbed and i managed to get out of there eventually,,

anyways thank u for this ask lolz i feel better !!! >< ♡

[imsoquarky]

OKAY IM GONNA TALK ABOUT TMNT MM NOW

WARNING FOR SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT!!! THIS IS A RAMBLE POST, I AINT TIPTOEING AROUND IT!!!

Also, probably gonna start making # for post types. I feel like I reblog so much stuff that it's hard to find my actual content-

♠️ - ♣️ - ♥️ - ♦️

Starting off the bat, everyone who said Rise lovers were gonna love MM were absolutely correct. I adored this movie with every fiber of my being and I really think it could bring new people into the TMNT fandom just as ROTTMNT did.

While I will always be sad that Rise did not get the merch it deserved, I am over the moon that MM is getting it. The toys I've seen and merch I've gotten are already extraordinary. For the most part they are very very well made and most of it doesn't look like they've seen their entire family be brutally ripped limb from limb.

But moving away from my opinions about merch which is a whole other bag of worms being the physical item lover I am. THE MOVIE WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!

The storyline, the characters, the voice acting, the line delivery, the writing, the comedy, and ofc most of all

THE ART!! OMG THE ART!!! I LOVED EVERY SINGLE BIT!!! I see so much dragging on the art of this movie because it's ugly BUT THATS THE WHOLE POINT!!! It's meant to be messy, asymmetrical, even uncomfortable at times. Every character is so vastly different from the last, including every single background character. Some of my favorite overall designs were Splinter, April, Stockman, Superfly, Mondo Gecko, and even that fuckin BEAST Superfly turned into at the end.

This was the first iteration I watched where Splinter started out as a rat, being only into the more modern media, I had no idea that he was originally a pet. I could go on and on about MM Splinter and that is what I am going to do. I LOVED HIM. SO MUCH. He was such a dad, and an absolute badass when he wanted to be. Kicking ass to save his sons and just worried out of his mind about them. Despite his distain for humans, he was willing to take their help when it was offered. Instead of reprimanding his sons right then and there, he'd give them a hug and make sure they were safe beforehand. And when he saved them from getting their blood taken (I'm not calling it milking, please don't make me omg- /lh), he was like "I told you so!" but not in like.. a toxic way?? I never thought Splinter would end up as my favorite of any iteration, yet... here we are.

But y'all probably aren't all that interested in my gushing about Splinter yeah? Let's talk about the turtles, going from my favorite to least favorite (not to say I don't absolutely love them all, I just like some more than others.)

Raphael and Donnie are tied, but I'll start with just Raph. Raphael very much reminded me of when I was younger. Down to the struggled with volume & um... well, anger issues. Deep down, he loves and cares about his brothers, but he wants to branch out and meet new people. It's not that he doesn't want them to be there when he dies, it's that he wants to know other people outside of them. He loves them, but it's only natural to not want to ONLY have them.

Donatello was a silly guy, lots of playful jabs at his brothers and I just loved him. Also, the guy can DRIVE. Technically, being old enough, most places I know you can get a learners permit, so he probably realistically could drive. Despite complaining about having a "giant stick" much like 2012 Donnie, I found myself less annoyed by his complaints. Maybe I'm bias? Who knows. Point is, I loved him.

Leonardo, like Raph, was extremely relatable. With his upbringing and having a very anxious father, it makes sense to have such chronic anxiety. I swear, sometimes I feel like a mix between MM Leo and MM Raph. While ofc, I wasn't a fan of the little crush on April, it's not unrealistic. This is the first girl they've met and he has dreams of getting a girlfriend, obviously a 15 year old like that is gonna fall head over heels for the first girl he sees. Hell, when I first found out girls could like girls I honestly wasn't much different. (Ofc, I'm not a girl anymore, but that's besides the point here). But April shutting him down at prom was a relief, I'm hoping it just stays as a little puppy crush. It was handled SO much better than 2012 ever did, and I'm standing by that.

Now Michelangelo. Mikey was the SWEETEST OMG. Him and Mondo were an adorable duo and I'm hoping in future content we get more of them. Also, what is with Mikey and almost getting hit with cars in this film? I think the mans needs to keep away from the streets because he's like the critters down here in Kansas, very bad luck with cars. Only reason he's probably my least fav here is because I guess I don't have much to say about him, like, specifically?

Anyways. That's a lot of rambling, someone please talk to me about MM.

[cozyluciel]

first day in nyc

today i went to target, taco bell and wallmart! i’ve never been to any that big stores before in my life. back home grocery stores only have groceries and each thing (clothes, shoes, electronics, home decore, pharmacy etc) have their own stores so it was very strange but also super cool! Uber driver was nicer too! i spent way too much money out there lmao but i was expecting to do so and im still within budget so that’s nice!

I wasn’t very anxious either. which i thought was surprising, but a lot of my anxiety comes from people or open empty spaces. so when walking in there constantly surrounded but not trapped by stuff and not many people around that’s pretty good!

got a cheeseitz wrap thing at taco bell and it was SOOO GOOOD it’s like one of the best things ive ever tasted! i also had pop tarts when i got back to the airbnb which was awesome ! (i tasted the cinnamon sugar one it was basic but good). also had american fanta which was great.

tomorrow we’re going into the heart of the city to go to timesquare, central bark and look at the statue of liberty! going to go buy manic panic too so new hair color YIPPIE!

[ryker-writes]

ok i’ve decided to send in my ask because the curiousity is EATING ME i wanna know who you’d ship me with.. ahem!! (PLS don’t feel pressured to ship me with rook or idia or vil or anything just because i’m biased!!! i wanna hear YOUR thoughts, ok ? ♡)

let’s start with my likes / hobbies ! i’m a big fan of movies — i could literally spend my entire week at a theater and never get bored, the atmosphere is just so thrilling to me. i love love love fashion and shopping, too. it helps me express myself without really having to talk (which is great because i hate people ^_^). obviously, i love to make art and writing, and if i ever get the time to sit and learn, i’d love to crochet.

ermm did u ask for dislikes ? i forgot. i dont like bugs too much, but i’m not deadly afraid or anything. peanuts. i hate peanuts sm. aaanddd i have a BIG FAT FEAR of deep water and i’m a trypophobe .

my personality is pretty simple — i’m a sensitive person lmao. i’m a big crybaby on the inside, but i try not to show it too much yk? i’m always anxious, always doubting myself, etc. i’m very quiet — usually people don’t notice me too much. personally, i don’t think i’m too interesting, but i’m veryyy talkative about the things i like ^_^

i forgot (again) if u asked for preferences or not. i like taller people, but if they’re shorter than me it’s not like i’d complain (COUGH CHUUYA COUGH HACK). hrrmmm… physical preferences ?? hair and eye color don’t really matter to me, but if i had to pick, dark hair. idk i’m simple lmaooo

OK I THINK THATS IT RYKER PLS DONT FEEL LIKE U HAVE TO DO THIS TY FOR LETTING ME SEND IT IN BUT PLS DONT PUSH YOURSELF TOO HARD OK ?? <333

YESS IM HAPPY TO DO YOURS!! Don't worry! I'm taking my time to get through these requests!

"Hehehe welcome in! Take a seat and get comfy because you're one of my friends, so I take extra consideration with your matchup. First of all, I'd like to lightly bonk you for saying that you don't think you're too interesting. You are very interesting in your own way! But alas, I shouldn't bonk friends or customers.

So, I'll leave it to your match, Vil."

okay so I know it seems like I leaned into the bias but really Vil would be so good for you

you're into theater, fashion, AND love art and writing?? He loves that

Vil is big on quality time because of how busy he is, so he loves to spend time with you between activities

don't worry, the time he spends with you is almost always away from the public eye so you don't have to worry about people

he'll even practice his lines or talk to you about his new role or photoshoot coming up, and he'll always ask for your thoughts on it all

your opinion always the most important to him

of course you also get tickets and front row seats to all his shows

Vil knows anxiety well, so he's always there to comfort you when it gets bad and reassure you that you are amazing and perfect just the way you are

people say he's perfect, and he'll say off hand that if they think he's perfect then they should see you (and then he'll carry on like he didn't just say that line)

if you don't want to be in the public eye, he's perfectly fine with that

most of your relationship is private anyway

honestly, he kinda loves how people don't notice you too much because of how quiet you are

it feels more special to him that he always notices you and it means that when he's with you, he doesn't have to worry as much about people noticing you two

basically: he gets more time with you without being followed by paparazzi

he loves to hear you talk about things you like so much

Vil even tries to bring into into his routine and have you tell him about something you like while he's doing something (makeup, skincare, etc.)

he's very observant and can usually tell when something is wrong and will always switch into a supportive role immediately

I know you have his heart because he would drop roles for you and let you see him at his worst

If you see the peacock lurking around Pomefiore, don't forget to give it some pets, okay?

[krispiecake]

hiii tell me about your show pls!!!

1) i love you. we should kiss

2) before i get into this because im #scared ppl will make fun of me, I’m aware that my show is a teen drama and deserves criticism in some areas, i am actually very interested in having long conversations about this criticism bc i think that its genuinely interesting and i have a lot of thoughts about how some themes such as (and especially) class could/should be handled going forward in the final season. However, i also think that it is a very well made show and also very well written (99% of the time lol) and explores very interesting lgbt+ themes and is the first show in a while that ive seen that portrays first/new/young lgbt relationships really well. That is my disclaimer.

3) so. its called young royals on netflix. and its my favourite thing in the entire world. Its a swedish show centred around the prince of Sweden, Wilhelm (diagnosed autistic by me. bc i said so.) Key facts about him are: anxiety disorder, lame, sometimes I wish i could smack him upside the head but with love. Wilhelm is sent to a private boarding school after getting into a very public fight in order to punish/straighten him out (pun intended). At this boarding school we are introduced to Simon (my fave character), who is a non boarder/scholarship student along with his sister. When we meet Simon for the first time its when he is singing a solo in the choir for the prince’s welcome ceremony/celebration thing. During this, Wilhelm basically um. falls in love. Well maybe not love but the boy is down BAD and it’s embarrassing for him. Key facts about Simon: i love him, has never done anything wrong ever, I love him. While Simon’s main ‘role’ as it were is love interest, I believe that the show does a fairly good job and creating depth for him as a character, providing a lot of context and information about him as an individual and as part of a relationship. He has his own plot lines and scenes completely separate to Wilhelm. HOWEVER I would also like this to be explored further in the 3rd season, and I hope we see a more emotional side to him too, because while we do see him express both positive and negative emotions, I still feel like he holds the especially negative ones back and away from other characters like Wilhelm - which is in character, however I personally would like to. see him cry or something idk because he deserves a breakdown. like a proper one with shouting and throwing things.

ANYWAY. We get to see their relationship grow over the episodes and honestly there is a little bit of flip flopping from Wilhelm, bc while Simon is confident in his sexuality, its implied that this is the first time Wilhelm has ever really acknowledged his attraction to the same gender, meaning we watch him learn how to (sort of) accept himself and be comfortable in liking Simon. PERSONALLY I think the way this is portrayed is quite authentic and at least somewhat similar to my own experience in coming to terms with being a lesbian specifically (although i never rlly got to kiss any girls about it so. that sucks). I think a really good example of this is their first kiss scene at the end of s1 ep 2, where we see Wilhelm making the first move when he initiates handholding (im aware of how juvenile the sentence sounds i just couldnt think of another way to put it lol) as they are watching a movie (its movie night so the two main dorms are all present, Forest Ridge (boys) and Manor House (girls). They have a cute little handholding moment until Wilhelm becomes flustered/anxious over people noticing and runs out of the room. Simon follows after a moment and this is when we get the first kiss. Simon is the one to initiate it the first two times and Wilhelm just kind of 🧍. He’s not good at this yet okay. After the second kiss, shocked back to reality by a noise from the movie down the hall, Wilhelm starts with ‘I’m sorry I’m not-‘ and Simon starts to leave, obviously sensing rejection. However, rejection does not come because Wilhelm grabs his arm and pulls him back. He’s clearly very anxious about the whole situation and running through his head is what I assume to be a million different thoughts of ‘am i allowed to want this? is this okay? do i want this? what will my mother say? this would be national news. What would my brother say? am i allowed? i dont think this is allowed.’ Simon does not say anything, allowing Wilhelm to take the time he needs to organise a coherent thought. And despite his anxiety, despite every thought in his head, he pulls Simon closer by his shirt and this time, Wilhelm is the one that kisses him.

I like this scene bc 1) its cute, like rlly cute 2) as I said i think this is a good example of the whole ‘coming to terms with it’ aspect because I remember that anxiety, I remember those ‘what would my mother think?’ thoughts and most importantly, I remember my lesbianism (or in Wilhelm’s case, his queerness and attraction to Simon) winning. I remember the way that once it popped into my head that ‘hey, you might be a lesbian’ it literally never left until i sat up one day and confronted it. And I think that this is a really sweet and probably true to life for some people way of showing this on screen.

Now. I actually have so much more to say about this show Like i could talk/type for HOURS. about it but I won’t. Know that there are so many details about this show and the casting choices and the writing and directing and acting choices that i am OBSESSED with throughout BOTH seasons. All that i typed literally only got us through 2 episodes and i didnt even talk about the other important bits. I really cannot over emphasise enough how much there is to this show. Anyway, I’m gonna leave it there though, but feel free to ask questions/for my opinion on any aspect of it. I will say if you havent watched it and somehow this has convinced you to do so, there are a few triggering subjects such as drug + alcohol addiction/misuse, death and grief, and MASSIVELY child exploitation material from season 1 ep 4 onwards - this is because a, if not THE, major plot point/conflict in the show is that a ‘sex tape’ (as it’s referred to sometimes) is filmed of Wilhelm and Simon (both 16yrs old in the show) without their knowledge or consent, and is then leaked to the public. I have some personal grievances about how this is handled in the show, however, I also dont think its handled ‘badly’, as the way the characters handle it is part of the plot and is ultimately part of what the show is criticising. If you want me to explain this further I can do as well, as i know this subject can obviously be very triggering and its best to know what youre getting into to decide if this show is right for you.

[can-i-make-image-descriptions]

[Image IDs: Tumblr tags. Image #1: #i literally had auditory hallucinations from age 5 to 15 #when i started getting mental health resources and put on an antipsychotic is when they stopped #it would cause me distress but i was brushed off so much

Image #2: #Yeah looking back I had my first panic attack when I was eight and it was brutal. Like asked the office to cal my parents brutal #and fuck man phobias are an anxiety disorder and fairly common in kids. I've had a severe limiting phobia since I was *two* #it just wasn't seen as important to anyone because it was such a rare phobia

Image #3: #I thought being as anxious as I was was a normal thing and everyone had panic attacks every night before bed

Image #4: #the Mental Illness set in when i was 10 (and my ass definitely had undiagnosed anxiety well before then) #but i didn't get diagnosed with anything until i was 17 or 18 and didn't get seriously treated until in my 20s

Image #5: my mom was mentally ill as a child #took her til 18 to get treatment #i was also a mentally ill child but my bipolar didnt show up properly til i was 13 #still young though and i wouldn't get diagnosed til 21 because no one would listen to me til i tried to cut off my finger in a manic ep #then they were like yah u have bipolar disorder type I rapid cycling. enjoy

Image #6: #yeah. my first attempt was at 7 years old. #somewhat comforting to know i wasnt alone

Image #7: #i was diagnosed with depression at 11-12 #the doctor said i'd clearly been suffering with it for a while at that point #my first panic attack was at around 6-7 #that's also roughly when i first started experiencing psychotic symptoms #turns out it's not normal for a child to think they're constantly being followed by invisible cameras or needing to inspect their food #in case of poisoning #keep an eye on your kids' mental health #Especially if mental illnesses run in your family

Image #8: #my depression was unironically at its worst point in my life when I was 11 years old #my mom said i was just being grumpy because we had moved recently

Image #9: this reminds me of developing schizophrenic at age 7 but not getting help for it until i was 15/16 and even then trying to get help for that #issue in particular was trying to pull teeth out with a cup of water #it was painful and i am still more than a little furious that it took almost a decade for my doctors to realize that i was sick #sorry for venting in the tags im just- we need to listen to kids more in general

Image #10: #also when you're an undiagnosed child people will chalk your behaviours up to personality #then when you continue to feel like shit into your teens and adulthood you and those around you may not realise (or believe you) #a new checkpoint for normality is set at such a young age #so something drastic has to happen to convince anyone that something is wrong #speaking from personal experience with my ed and c-ptsd

Image #11: #yep. have been anxious since i was very small and started having extremely frequent suicidal ideation at 10 #didn't get help for another 9 years after that #in part bc i learnt early that i was Not Allowed to have mental health problems. i was the baby. i was the Good One Without Problems. #so i learnt very well to internalize everything

Image #12: #i wonder what my life would be like if i got depression an anxiety treatment when they started #i think my depression started when i was around 9. i genuinely dont think there was a time i didnt have anxiety #like im not joking my first memories are anxiety #wouldve been great if they noticed the root cause (autism) but honestly if they just treated the anxiety itself #id probably be so much better. grieving the childhood i couldve had etc

Image #13: #i've spent most of my life suicidal with no improvement and nobody has ever taken me seriously #which i think has pretty effectively ruined my life

Image #14: #ya as someone whose earliest (that i remember) psychotic symptom was when i was 9? who still doent have a diagnosis at 21? #it's so annoying that no one.. listens. when a kid is mentally ill. #my friends thought i was just really creative at playing pretend which. was not helpful lol. for my mental health.

Image #15: #oh yeah i started showing symptoms of depression at age 10 and i was actively suicidal by the time i was like 11 #kids arent immune to mental illness you just want to Think that they are

Image #16: #yeah i had depression for quite literally as long as i can recall

Image #17: #yeah i.....i had anxiety since i was maybe 6 and used to have really bad panic attacks #probably had ptsd since i was 8 or 9

Image #18: #i should have been diagnosed with something at the age of five and i mean this without a shred of irony #hell even if you waited until i was nine! (when the symptoms became Much more apparent) #normal children do not have deep seated fears about the light being on in the hallway at night #nor do they write thinly veiled poems about suicide #and those two alone should have warranted some exploration by the adults in my life

Image #19: #yeah im lucky my parents got me help. However. They diagnosed me with depression. and gave me. epression medicine. When I was having anger #outburts. They took me out of it years later and very little changed

Image #20: #i started experiencing psychosis at the ripe old age of 8 #(well. that was wgen i had my first delusional episode. its likely i had experienced psychosis before then.)

Image #21: #some of my earliest memories were of trying to poison myself /End IDs]

There's this idea, fairly common in society, that mental illness is for teens and up. Children are happy little creatures, generally, right? Sometimes they're abused and the trauma can make them mentally ill, but that's not common.

There are two fundamental problems with this attitude. One, it's incorrect to assume that trauma is the only reason a young kid can be mentally ill. Two, trauma is more common than people think. I'll be covering the first problem in this post through the lens of my particular experience.

Where I live, you can be diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 years old. You cannot be diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a minor. This poses a problem because my age of onset was in first grade, roughly six years old. Because of the fact that I was very young and new to the world, this was also the age of my first suicide attempt. Thinking I wouldn't be able to pass a spelling test genuinely felt like something worth trying to die over. So, I ate some hemlock, since I'd read about Socrates being killed with it. Luckily, I ate western hemlock, an unrelated species, and just felt kind of sick.

I'm not recounting that for fun or pity. I'm recounting it because children with mental illness are in genuine danger because they have little to no experience with managing their emotions, have little to no concept of the idea that their life can change and improve, and are dismissed by adults. I told a teacher that the test made me want to die, though not that I'd attempted to, and it was brushed off as little kid hyperbole. If I had used a method that was effective rather than one I thought would be, I would have been dead at six years old.

I would not receive medication that worked even a bit for another two years. I would not receive treatment for bipolar disorder specifically for ten years, and that required my PCP fudging the reason for the medication because she was afraid I would die if she didn't, and diagnosis was still two years off at minimum. I received a formal diagnosis at age 19, thirteen years after onset.

But surely that's uncommon, right? This story is a huge edge case, right? I actually have no idea, because age of onset and age of diagnosis are massively conflated for most disabilities. Policies like the one in my area that restricted bipolar diagnoses by age can artificially raise the age of "onset", in my case by thirteen years. The general idea that children are somehow immune to mental illness can also delay diagnosis by several years, perpetuating the idea that young children can't be mentally ill. The data on when people start experiencing mental illness is inherently skewed upwards, and I frankly don't have a good estimate on how bad that skew is. If anyone does have that data, please chime in.

Listen to children. If they're saying they're sad all the time, that they don't care about anything, that they don't see a future for themselves, those are signs of depressive symptoms. If they say that tests make them feel sick, that they can't do anything because they're scared, that they can't breathe and freeze up, those are signs of anxious symptoms. Many children talk about imaginary things, and that's just fine, but slip in a question or two about them to make sure that the kid is just playing, and not experiencing psychosis.

Children are new to the world and vulnerable, and they don't know what's normal and what isn't. They need people who are more experienced watching out for problems they might be having, and listening when they talk about having problems. If you can, try to be the person who perceives them, and tells them that things can be better.

[itstimaaa]

i hope our heart never get attached to what’s not meant for us again.

I remember i used to randomly throughout my day thank Allah for him, I used to be like “Alhamdullilah i gave it a chance, he’s literally the safe space and comfort my heart longed for”. Just being with him everynight was healing my inner child and genuinely bringing me so much happiness peace and security. I loved him to pieces, if only he knew.

Feeling wanted, calling texting me throughout the day spending my break times together laughing cuddling up in my bed to talk to him about nothing, having him check in when i got home. His face lighting up when he spoke to me, the sweet words all felt like breaks to my nervous system like no matter how difficult a days been i was loved and cared for.

But slowly the other girls and the distance and the less communication brought doubts and confusion to my heart. The not wanting to commit took away my sense of security with him and all that together made me anxious, paranoid and closed off with him. I was meaner and dry, i would speak to him and flashes of his past mistakes he did again and again would come back and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being played and disrespected.

I felt like maybe he didn’t love me how ive grown to love him, despite him falling in love first maybe i fell harder with time? I thought to myself am i not worth the commitment? Have i been used while I was fun to be around and then left when I wasn’t? Used when i had the house to myself and seen less when it wasn’t? Did he leave because he saw the darker parts of me and loved me less because of that? Was my biggest fear of being too much or a burden coming true? Did i make myself loose my safe space and my person?

I thought to myself so why am i so triggered by his Instagram followings and distance and i realized I’m scared of loving someone so much just for them to hurt me like my dad did. He cheated and left and throughout our whole relationship I had to be perfect to gain his love and the minute i wasn’t he’d leave, idd have to perform for love it wasn’t unconditional. I didn’t want to feel like I had to perform for his, I wanted him to see the hood and bad and love me regardless. And I don’t mean just accept the bad things, no the bad things will be worked on but atleast love me through it.

But the fear of the person I loved mirroring the person who scarred me is so deeply etched into my heart it was spilling out without me even realizing it at first. And when i did i told him and i felt like a freak. I felt like i was broken and i begged him to understand and just not trigger that pain in me, to please just protect me from that but he stood on it and even went on to follow that persons sister. Something so little and meaningless to him, destroyed me because to me it represented something much bigger. That he didn’t care to protect my heart even after I told why something bothered me. And now I’m crying while im typing because why was doing that worth hurting me that much, am i that worthless?

with all those questions and doubts lingering in my heart, with all that anxiety and heartache he left on ft at 2am when i was at work.

Ya Allah please protect our hearts from men who don’t care about us, please don’t let us get attached to people who aren’t meant for us. I don’t know how I’ll recover honestly I cry myself to sleep everynight, on my breaks at work, on my way to work and right when I wake up. I’m broken now and i was once so whole. Fighting with him the past few months has literally caused me to develop severe anxiety and panic attacks I’ve been acting out of character and doing things not like me. I’ve shamelessly asked for him back only to hear a no.

All you want is for them to come over and just hold you and tell I that that they love you, understand you want to start fresh loving eachother the way the other person needs to be loved while understanding that we need new boundaries now in the middle that please both us but god at the same time. But sometimes what you want is a fantasy, he’ll probably do that one day just for someone else, exactly what I feared. He says we’ll be together in the future if we’re meant to be but time will pass and he’ll forget and leave me with nothing but heartbreak and broken promises.

Being beautiful as a woman is a double edged sword. It comes with a million options and maybe 1 in a million actually having pure intentions for you, you just have more badness to sort through that’s all it is. Versus being modest protects you from all the chaos, atleast you know they fell for u based on personality and not fading beauty

[mental-health-advice]

hi! im a freshman in high school, and joined marching band this year. it’s been the most amazing experience of my life and ive already made friends, which i never thought i would be able to do. ive been really lonely for a really long time, with only a few friends who could count on me, but i never felt like i could be truly close with. that all changed with band. i still talk to my old friends and eat lunch with one of them sometimes. but today they ate lunch with my band friends and me and it caused me so much anxiety. i think they are most likely autistic and they dont really talk to anyone except me, im pretty much their only friend. like someone will ask them a question and they’ll just stare at them. i have to talk for them and keep conversations going, which makes my anxiety go crazy. it feels like i have two different worlds- my band world and my old world from middle school. now my old friend is talking about joining band next season and i don’t really want them to. im going to have to go back to being their full time friend and i know they’re going to latch onto me and probably won’t make any friends of their own. my band director is super intense and i know things won’t be good if he tries to talk to them and they just end up staring at him. it feels like my two worlds are colliding. im happy for them for putting themself out there, truly, but i have a lot of anxiety whenever im around them, and more when im with both them and my new friends. i love them but i also love having a new world where im finally happy. this whole thing is making me anxious and i have no idea what to do. i feel like such a shitty person because im their only friend and i feel like im abandoning them. any advice?

Hey there,

It only makes sense that you do not want your two worlds to come together and to form one. It definitely does not make you a bad person though in regards to this so please do try to be kind to yourself and not too hard.

When I was in high school, I was in a similar kind of situation to you in that I had two group of friend groups, my old friends, and then my new friends that I had recently made since starting high school. My new friends gave me a sort of ‘on top of the world’ feeling in that they offered me something different and new that my old friends could not. Yes, I still felt like I had to be loyal to my old friends, but I knew that I also had to think about myself and what made me happy. In your situation though, you feel as though you need to be there still with your old friends and so this must make things that much harder.

I want to reinforce what you said in your Ask though when you mentioned that before joining the marching band you only had a few friends that you felt could ‘count on you’. I think this is really important to bring your attention as I am sure you know; friendship is a two-way thing where it’s only fair that what you give out to others in the friendship is reciprocated. So, I want to ask you, what do you get from your old friends, what do these friendships give to you, not what you give to your old friends, but what do they give to you. The answers to this question may help to show you why you are so much happier with those friends that you have made from the marching band, and so I encourage you to really think about this.

I am not in any way suggesting that you leave your old friends, but it’s important to put yourself first and do what makes you feel happy. It’s not up to you to communicate or that for other people, it’s a skill that we all need to learn and so I am wondering if you could help your old friends with this or at least point them in the right direction to someone who can help them with this, even if it’s a professional like a counsellor who can spend that extra time with them to help them to learn how to better communicate with others and to work with them to make these things a little easier for them with this. Again, this doesn’t make you a bad or shitty person for doing this, you are simply just putting yourself first for a change and trying to implement changes for your old friends to help to lift that burden from yourself.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[nailsoftheheart]

We played this really successful gig, like the biggest gig we've ever played next to our gig in NY and it was a benefit for aid for the people of Palestine. My band plays benefit gigs all the time and they mean a lot to us because we believe in that comradery, unity, solidarity that comes with gathering people who share the same ideas. I love it, but my battery was really low for this gig and we had tons of trouble with our equipment and the sound guy. I couldn't leave the corner where our gear was for anxiety then I was in charge of watching it all after we played so I got to speak with maybe 4 people all night. One of them was a very nice lady I met at subway, she reminded me, lol I saw her and gave her one of these punk compilations we use to make and our band at the times stuff. We had a driving job me she my husband we were dressed "normal" but you know how when you're weird it doesn't matter what you wear, your weirdness shows through regardless. Lol. That was like 13 years ago. She was really encouraging and gave me a bunch of hugs and kisses. I don't think I would have made it through without that. She gave me a lot of her energy and made me feel supported when I needed it the most. And super small world, a gentleman comes up to me in my anxiety corner, ask about my old band, did we do a record label, morbid massakre, did we put out a record with Nuclear Frost I say, yes Sir, that's me and he tells me this is the singer from Nuclear Frost, from Sao Paulo. I was absolutely and still shocked, they were a huge inspiration for me, I thought they were the coolest band ever this was around 15 years ago aswell. Something about these two encounters, reminding me what I've been doing for so long. Maybe I don't do as much as I wish and know I could, but I try. I have been trying. The lady from Nuclear Frost said we brought their music into American culture and we were the first to support them here in America. We changed the world a little by our actions back then. And I hope to continue to positively influence the people around me, by just being kind, giving freely and showing that love. I feel out of touch and alone af at times. I lost all my best friends and I wouldn't want them anymore anyway. But I'm trying to clear out the old and welcome in the new, but I'm anxious to meet people, connect, fall in love because you better believe im in love with my friends, but at the same time I have no desire to go out and socialize and funny enough that feeling of loneliness makes me want to isolate more. I've never had such perception/social fatigue. I want to feel excited to go out and see people and it's just not a thing right now. So keeping my heart open regardless and still calling in those aligned friendships and connections, but staying in my comfort zone for a while.

[sellieellie]

things aren’t great at the moment.

i think im done with connor. it’s just too much. it’s one thing dealing with my new discoveries about my sexuality, but i also just don’t think he’s good for me. hes fucking scary when he’s drunk and i just think that’s where i draw the line. if i think he’s gonna hurt someone, or me, then i can’t respect myself and give myself to him at the same time. not only this, but he’s mean. he tells us to shut up for no reason or he screams at people and it makes me so anxious. and i can’t be with someone who constantly has me in fight or flight. it’s just not good for my (already extreme) anxiety. im just too fragile for all of it and i need someone who’s gentle enough to deal with that.

not only this, but im not even sure i was attracted to him in the first place. i think i was just attracted to the fact that he was attracted to me. and that isn’t healthy. i hate to

make a comparison to spencer, but when i liked him and he would hold me or make moves on me i wouldn’t feel embarrassed or anxious. but when connor does, i do. i just want to be loved so much but i respect myself too much to be loved by someone who won’t love me right.

he also just seems to have no regard for himself or his future. and if he can’t care for himself, how is he supposed to care about another person? i think he needs to heal before he starts something again or he’s just going to have another toxic relationship.

and i hate how much anxiety this is causing me. because i don’t want to hurt anyone but it’s invevitable at this point. and it makes me feel like shit because i don’t want him to think i was stringing him along while i was just trying to figure out my feelings. and i also don’t want it to affect the dynamic of the group or make things awkward for anyone else. i just wish the group would’ve thought about it before they pushed us together and i wish i would’ve thought about it before i pursued it. but i was also younger back then. i feel like i’ve done so much self reflecting the past year. i don’t know.

im just scared to talk to him about it. im so fucking afraid. because i know he’ll get mad but im not sure how he’ll react. i like to think he’d never get violent with me but i truly have no idea. i hate how scared i am of him and i hate how long ot took me to differentiate between being nervous in a sweet way to see him versus being straight up afraid of him.

i think i might just have to come clean. and tell him (in expectation that he won’t share this info because it’s quite literally my childhood trauma) i grew up in an environment where there was constant yelling and things did sometimes get physical so violence and loudness just bothers me to an extent where it has a negative affect on not only my body but also my mind. and it kind of makes me scared of him because my past has taught me to be scared of things like that. and if we want to continue this relationship i think we both need to work on ourselves first if we want to be with each other. because i obviously need to work on dealing with my childhood but he also needs to work on dealing with his anger and his alcohol issues. and i need to protect myself from the stress i feel when im around him because i never know if he’s gonna be sweet or mean. and i know that he’s genuinely a good guy and that he has good intentions but im just not able to deal with this. and i’d still love for him to hang with our friend group because i know they’re his friends too but maybe we just have to keep our distance. and if he doesn’t want to change for me, i won’t force him to but if he doesn’t change then i will no longer pursue what we have. id love to stay friends if he wants to but i can’t deal with this.

im just scared. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone but he’s hurt me and i don’t even think he knows it. i hardly even know a version of him that isn’t drunk. it freaks me out.

i feel like im talking in circles. totally my bad.

i think im gonna go over what im gonna say with bella first. maybe the high schoolers as well. i just know the girls will understand and i appreciate them so much.

i just know it’s not fair to me or to him to keep stringing this along if im not 100%. especially after he just found out i like him. i feel like im doing what was done to me last summer and i feel so fuckinh guilty about it. i hate knowing that i might hurt someone. i know he’ll pretend that it rolls right off his back but it’ll hurt him. and i hate that im the cause of it. but it has to be done. maybe i don’t mean as much to him as he does to me. maybe he hasn’t been thinking about this constantly like i have. maybe he’s just not there.

anyways. hoping that i have the opportunity to talk to bella more about this soon. and i hate to do this, but spencer may be able to offer some advice as well. im not sure if we’ll ask him or not because i know he’ll always take connors side i think and try to play wingman. idk. we’ll see. im going to bella first.

as for the other parts of my life, things aren’t awful. they’re just a lot. everything is stressing me out to no end and i wish i could sleep for a full week and not have to talk to anyone or show up for anyone or anything. part of me wants to get really sick for a second so i can just chill. maybe flu or something. idk.

this is also gonna sound so privileged, but the thing that kept me going at work last summer was that i got to spend my money on things that are important to me but lately all i’ve been spending on is stuff for my sisters wedding of others birthdays and it makes me lose all motivation. i haven’t bought anything but food for myself with these paychecks so far. it fucking sucks. but it is what it is i guess.

im also getting increasingly anxious about mom. she never feels okay and i feel awful about it. i wish i could do more to help but all we can do right now is wait.

im also thinking about dropping out of my dorm and deciding to commute. i just don’t love my roommates and i don’t want a repeat of last year. it would also save a lot of money, which we need right now for moms surgeries.

but yeah. that’s pretty much all. i wish i had more good stuff to say but my heart is just full of anxiety and sorrow lately. idk. things aren’t great. i wish they were better. hopefully they will be soon because i don’t know how much longer i can deal with it.

[twofacedmarigold]

life lately

the transition from being a student to a working girl is a lot.

there are little wins, i think... maybe the fact that i still haven’t gotten the urge to quit from my new job *knocks on wood*.

and that there are a lot of very nice seniors in the department. i went in alone, and very inexperienced...but people has helped me so patiently.

the hospital is so close to my home too. being at home is so nice. like now. im lounging in the sofa, wondering what the dinner (i am not the one to cook) will be. i get chauffeured by my mom to the hospital like her little kid. it’s a circumstance i have gratefully embraced. it’s because i’ve been so conscious of the fact that i am getting older. being in a situation where i am treated as somehow kind of a baby has alleviated this anxiety of aging. may karapatan pa akong magmaang maangan minsan when i am clueless on what to do in work and in real life.

i love the hangouts with my friends. it is the thing that has probably kept me sane through all of this. i like going to coffee shops and just talking. or just peeking through my messenger just to see the ganaps when i’m too busy to reply. lately, i kept thinking too about the fact that i didn’t have to shallow up when i’m with them. like??? im just so amazed that i get to be around soft soft lovely friends who i love to think is in the same wavelength as me 🫶

but there are moments too which made me think and got my mood depressed. i can just clearly remember how the chairman of our department told me how noticeable the mole on the bottom of my lip was and that it was not cancerous but i should be probably get it removed ☠️ who even tells that to someone who you just met the first time? so unhinged.

the fact too that i miss meals during work hours and i still kept gaining weight.

it’s so hard too being a new workplace. i should be nice. but being nice is so draining sometimes. 

i miss some of my other friends. i probably shouldn’t say this as a 26 year old and as someone who herself sometimes disappear in the face of the earth but i am yearning... there are friends... some people who you hold so dearly in your heart, who is not even curious about how u are. it’s a selfish thought because i myself forgets to reach out too and drops people on a whim. but its so sad how you just grow apart.

there are also moments when i’m kinda just in the middle. everyday, i get audited at work. it’s so stressful but it’s a nice kind of stress? i like to think that it makes me improve... and that i get closer to my seniors in the department.

patient encounters are also so varied. I make so so many mistakes but i hope the good things balances it out.

--

i still have so so much to learn. i go to work everyday with an anxious heart. it probably won’t go away but i hope that i get use to it soon.

i STILL have a lot of things that happened recently and i hope that i get to write them about here too.

[catloafly]

I think i want to die, itd be much better than these lows and highs, the constant swing of intense anxiety of something stupid upsetting me, finding out the thing i was anxious about was me misunderstanding, and the intense self loathing that comes afterwards because not only was i getting anxious over something not even happening, but the fact that i got anxious over it in the first place is fucking stupid

I keep clawing for reasons, desperate for answers, and i arrive at one and be okay, but then its not enough so i claw for another and another and nothing works, i keep falling back on these stupid wretched feelings and i cant stand it. Like yeah the medication isnt working, but i got put on medication because the stupid reason thing pushed me over and i fucked up my arm, and i had to fucking call the suicide hotline because i thought i might do something, i felt like i was drowning

Hell i didnt think i was going to make it through to the new year, the talk (that i ended up having later and was completely fine) and what i thought its aftermatch would be dictating what i might do being so fucking scary but so fucking important that i sincerely thought i would have that conversation that night, that it would go bad, and that i would go kill myself. Take off into the night with a drink and my bottle of pills, maybe sob and crash my car or maybe see how far, how much i could cut before i died. It was so incredibly vivid, so incredibly real to me tgat night, that i thought i would kill myself before the clock struck midnight. I accepted it too. Accepted tgat it would go wrong and as punishment, i would need to do that, that i was too cowardly to face the bad.

I ended up being an even bigger coward, and even more selfish, and i held onto tgat talk for later. It ended up being fine, which i guess is good, but i also think i miss that high-low of thinking with utmost certainty that i would do it, that i would finally end it. It hurt, it hurts, it burns and burns and i wish i wouldve done it when i had made peace, because now im scared...i still do want to do it, its always been lurking in the back of my mind since i was in high school, but i dont think i will reach that clarity again without the medication. Or at least, i wont reach it without my life truly truly crashing around me...

This got away from me. I dont care who reads this, i probably will be alive for the forseeable future. I guess i wanted to vent without hearing the comfort from my partner or my friends because i dont deserve it. I dont, im vitriol and an awful person who wants to drag people down with me into my pit of anger and despair.

At the least, i think im going to hurt myself tomorrow as punishment, ill deal with people later

[overlydramaticinephile]

just one kiss.

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Fem! Reader (no physical descriptions)

Summary: Y/N happens to be falling for Steve but does he feel the same way?  (Again, pretty bad summary)

Word count: 4.1k (im surprised tbh) 

Warnings: Friends to lovers trope, based in the aftermath of season 4 but without the sad parts, douche behaviour, mostly fluff though. Pretty much another teen movie vibes fic. some cursing. shy!reader but also kind of a mess!reader (English is NOT my first language)

A/N: Hi! So, i'm like the biggest sucker for 00s teen drama sooooo i decided to re-write season 4 of the oc (ryan x taylor) for steve and reader. <3 this might be awful or...a good idea idk yet. THEREFORE, reader is like an OFC but not really, i say that bc there are a few mentions of her family. ALSO bc this is based on taylor townsend reader has some interesting characteristics but i love that character so much and idk i think it would be pretty cool to se a different kind of reader :)) so anyway if you made it this far...HOPE YOU ENJOY ILY

READ PART 2 HERE

Y/N L/N has always felt like she's living on the sidelines of the interesting life in Hawkins. She was the party's original babysitter and that's pretty much the only reason she found out about the Upside Down. Or that's what she likes to believe because it's easier to try to figure out why she feels so lonely all the time even when surrounded by so many people who are compassionate and loyal. I guess it all started with that little voice in her head telling her all kinds of bad things about herself and what others must have thought of her. As a kid, that voice was barely a whisper, mainly appeared when she felt anxious or guilty, but as she grew older, in her teenage years…that's when it all started to change. I wish I could say for the better though. Her anxiety just grew, and people just thought she was odd, which is way too dramatic, but high school, right? Judgment was in everyone's shadow.

Of course, she had always heard of Steve Harrington, hell, they were in the same grade but for Y/N, high school was just an enter, take classes, leave, sort of thing. While Steve lived for high school. He was their king after all.

In the year 1984 though, Y/N started to notice Steve more when he ended up helping a very dorky-looking Dustin Henderson while Y/N was babysitting, which they all forgot she was doing until they saw her casually hanging out in his house like she did every other day. From that day on, Y/N saw Steve Harrington in a different light. And she also noticed the change. She first noticed when Steve told Nancy, aka the girl who just a few days prior had broken his heart to go after Jonathan. Yeah, no one really saw that coming but no one really thought of it too much, except for Y/N of course, who after hearing the story from her lab partner about Tina's party made her catch up on the "drama" and to say she was intrigued would be an understatement.

By 1985, Y/N finally made what she felt was her first genuine friend that wasn't a 13-year-old or someone she technically worked for. Yeah, Robin Buckley. And when she found out she was working with Steve at the new mall…well, that made them more than acquaintances. Or that's what she thought. But the truth is Steve didn't see Y/N with that admiration and puppy eyes she did for him and most of the time it didn't bother her because it wasn't something new, but occasionally when that voice I was talking about would creep in, she couldn't help but feel…doomed. Again, dramatic, but that's 18-year-olds for you.

One day Y/N had enough. And by one day, I mean, the night she saw Sixteen Candles for what would be the first time of many. She decided she would not wait around or feel sorry for herself like Samantha, even though Molly Ringwald became her new role model. She would start gaining Steve's heart or…at least try.

Later that week Y/N went to visit Robin to get some info on Steve's dating life and what he thought of her…if he ever did that is.

Y/N entered the familiar video store looking for Robin. She knew she hated to talk about Steve's dating life because let's face it, she heard about it a lot. More than she would like to admit. So, Y/N brought Robin her favorite type of bagel in hopes to convince her. Robin already suspected she had a thing for Steve, but she didn't want to push it for so many reasons.

“Oh no…” said Robin when she saw that I'm going to ask you for something, and I brought something to convince you face. And she did not want to hear about it right now, it's been a long day having a solo shift and all.

“Robin! Good, you're here.” Y/N approached her with all of her bubbly excitement that didn't really match that shy energy she portrayed sometimes.

“Actually…I was just-” anyone aside from Y/N could tell that even though Robin loved her and would take a bullet for her, the love life of one Steve Harrington was something she didn't want to discuss. At least not before a well-deserved nap.

“You might want to sit down. I have huge news and a favor to ask you.”

“You like Steve, and you want my help convincing him to date you?” Robin deadpanned. If they were going to do this, at least she wanted to be straightforward about the issue at hand.

“Wow,” said Y/N surprised. Was she being obvious? Did she say something to make it obvious? Or did something? Yeah, hello inside voice.

“--It's kind of a giveaway. You said he's funny.” And there it was. Robin could not be any less thrilled about this, but this was her best friend after all.

Y/N decided to ignore that inside voice of hers by telling Robin all about this awakening she supposedly, suddenly had.

“It's crazy. I mean, I've always thought of him as a cute guy, might be good for a night of rough-and-tumble fun but it's not like we have anything in common.”

“So, ignore it, it's probably just gas.” could Robin convince her to not go there? That it would end up in just heartbreak? Because as much as she loved Y/N, she didn't really know if she was Steve's type. Steve's type being... Nancy Wheeler or, at least that was before Jonathan came back and Steve went through a second heartbreak.

“But then he helped with all the things that were happening at Hawkins and he grew into this…lovable cute guy, and it was like Dorothy landing in Oz, everything just popped into technicolor.” Y/N continued not being able to stop that growing smile of hers.

“Huh,” said Robin. She didn't really know what to say without unintentionally hurting her feelings.

Y/N's smile faded in a heartbeat; now her face held a sad look. “Do you think I don't know what that means?”

“I said, huh.” Robin was coming off as kind of a douche, but honesty was one of the things she loved most about the girl.

“Meaning, “huh, that Y/N, she is so pathetic. Someone's the least bit nice to her and she becomes totally obsessed with them, first that science tutor of hers and then the guy from New York when he lent her a subway ticket, now Steve.”

“Oh, you know, well isn't it’s kind of true?” Robin couldn't help but recall all those events being the first to hear about them. To say Y/N had attachment issues...well, we won't go there.

“So what? Yes. I have a psychological predilection to become romantically attached to men who are nice to me due to the fact that I was raised by a she-wolf of a mother who practiced emotional terrorism. Does that mean that if by some miracle love does come into my life, I should deny it? What kind of person would that make me mhm? What kind of life?”

Y/N was rambling and at this point, how could she explain her feelings when they have all ended up in some sort of humiliation? One would think she would give up but... she always had hope, people had to give her that.

“Okay, okay, Y/N, what do you want me to do?”

Like if Y/N knew her love life would get Robin to agree she went back to that excited tone she had on earlier. “Find out if he's ready to start dating.”

------------------------------------

Robin called Steve's house knowing that he had the day off and was probably sleeping or feeling sorry for himself. That seemed to be a recurring theme around Hawkins nowadays.

“Hello.”

“Hey,” said Steve recognizing Robin’s voice instantly.

“Uh so, glad your home. Finished the movie last night?” she had to make it seem like a natural conversation but starting with the small talk was probably not the most Robin thing to say.

“Which one?”

“Aha. Are you ready to date again?” Again, Robin couldn't help but want to get to the point so she could finish this argument for the day.

“What?” Steve was taken back. First, Robin got used to getting annoyed with Steve's endless dating life stories, now, she clearly was asking if he was ready to start dating again after... Nance the sequel.

“Simple question.” you could tell the urgency in Robin’s voice.

“I have no idea. Why?” said Steve confused.

“Okay. Cool.” that's when Robin hung up the family video phone and told Y/N about the short conversation she just had.

"He's not sure," said Robin, begging for this to be over.

"Interesting." Well, it wasn't a no per se so, Y/N's hope was definitely intact.

 -----------------------------------

Later that week Y/N tried to get closer to Steve, by showing up to his shifts and renting random movies he would recommend, hoping Steve would come and pick Dustin up when she was babysitting, she even went out of her comfort zone to try and met him at some of the most popular spots for teenagers. But nothing seemed to work, she was convinced Steve was not interested at all; these were all big coincidences and formalities. Not gonna lie, that crushed her spirit a little bit. Therefore, she was now laying on her bed feeling sorry for herself like one normally does of course.

That's when her sister came in shouting.

“Y/N did you take my lip gloss with the bee pheromones on it?”

“It's on the dresser…” Y/N's voice sounded sad and defeated which caught her sister's attention.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, peachy.” the sarcasm was great in these types of moments.

“Talk.”

Y/N sighed, even though she really didn't want to talk about it she could use some sisterly advice and from someone who won't try to judge her or look down on her.

“Okay, so, what do you do when you like a boy, and he barely knows you're alive and you already pretended to be his money advisor and I'm…out of options.” she cringed at her own words realizing how crazy she was sounding right now.

“Okay…Well, this may sound a little weird but try dressing up fabulous and going to a place where you'll run into him.” said her sister as a matter of factly, like this was some common knowledge that maybe Y/N never heard about.

“That's it?” Y/N sat up looking at her sister better to tell if she was being serious. And she was.

“That's it.”

“That really works?” Y/N couldn't believe it, that sounded way too simple and maybe just maybe she shouldn't have tried too hard.

“Almost every time” her sister decided to continue sharing some of the tips she had learned over the years. “And I mean, touching his arm when you guys are talkin, it's always good, dancing, and body contact and laugh at his jokes- I mean, even if they're not that funny.”

“Oh! I do that already! Okay, what else?” Y/N excitement was coming out again as if it was restoring itself and was ready to try again.

“You could…walk in front of him, I mean if he's a butt guy…”

Y/N looked serious for a moment thinking about what she just said. “I don't know if he's a butt guy…”

“Well, it can't hurt, I mean sis, you have a great butt.” she knew her sister could use all the confidence in the world right now and she was more than happy to provide it, in the end, Y/N has always been there for her, and she wanted nothing but the best for her.

“You're such a sweetie! Tell me more.”

 ---------------------------------

A few days later some girl from high school was throwing a party for Hawkins High class of '84. Meaning, that Y/N and Steve would be there. Probably Robin too now that he and Robin were pretty much glued to the hip.

So, of course, Y/N saw this as the perfect opportunity. She dressed up like her sister told her to, she decided on this pastel pink dress with some puffy sleeves, lace on top and a cute flower pattern, to be honest, it was a little too girly for her taste, she almost went back to change into her baggy jeans and an oversized colorful sweater but she knew that wouldn't catch Steve's attention so she chose her first option in the hopes to not embarrass herself in the process.

Arriving at the party Y/N found this new confidence in herself at least for the next few hours she thought.

“Hello Steve,” she said giving him her best put-together smile while shoving all her nerves inside.

“Y/N, hi…you look um…” Steve was stunned, no reason to lie here. To say he wasn't expecting her in that outfit would be...correct.

“I look nice?” Y/N said probably too quickly. To this moment we can't tell if it was intentional or not.

“Nice, yeah. That's the word I was looking for.” Steve mumbled that last part. Truth is, she looked gorgeous anyone could see that but he couldn't help but notice she didn't really look like herself but who was he to judge on her fashion choices? So, he let it go.

“Well, so do you. Would you like to dance?” Part two of Y/N's plan was getting close to Steve in hopes to talk more.

Steve's eyes widen, he didn't really do dancing anymore. “Actually, I'm not much of a dancer, probably shocking.”

“Maybe you'll learn” Y/N cringed at herself and how she was supposed to think before she talked. “Not that I'm a teacher or anything, of course. It's just you know…fun.” she had to stop her rambling somewhere...

Steve couldn't help but smile. “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay.” With that Y/N returned that smile in no time, hoping she didn't look too eager.

Steve and Y/N realized this was a fancy house party when they suddenly started to play Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper. Probably not their first choice, they were hoping for a little Toto or maybe even Billy Joel. So, after that awkward moment of shall we really slow dance? passed and Steve gestured for Y/N in a May I have this dance matter she giggled and put her arms around his neck while he was curling up by her waist.

“We did not hate you,” said Steve now talking to Y/N about the old days at Hawkins High when he was King Steve. Knowing about supernatural creatures and graduating in the same year was about everything they had in common so for a topic of discussion they decided to talk about the latter.

“Oh, you totally hated me, come on, you were probably the president of we hate Y/N club.” Everyone could tell Y/N was shy and an introverted soul, but she could take a punch either it meant literally or emotionally. But of course, this conversation was meant to be outgoing and fun, leaving all their cringy selves in the open.

“I was the secretary. I took the notes.”

“Steve! you made a real joke.” Y/N couldn't help but crack a smile so big that her cheeks started hurting.

Steve got a little shy and he mumbled a little bit. “Yeah… a pretty bad one but I made a real joke, thank you but don't tell anyone.”

After that, the song ended and before it became awkward again, Steve decided to do something about it before it was too late. He was actually having fun after all.

“You wanna drink?”

“That'd be nice.”

Steve walked to the kitchen to get himself and Y/N a drink when he noticed Robin walk in with a grin on her face. Of course, she saw that whole scene.

“Hey,” said Steve without really looking at her, too busy serving the right drinks. Something with a fruity flavor for Y/N he thought.

“Hey! saw ya dancing with Y/N.” And there it was.

That made Steve look in her direction for a moment. “Yeah. Is that look supposed to mean something?” he deadpanned, of course, he knew she was implying something.

“Crazier things have happened. Nothing I can't recall this instant.”

Steve didn't find this conversation amusing. For some reason, he started to realize he was getting defensive about the topic. It's not like it's the first time Robin had said something like that but about a different girl of course. “Okay. I don't think so.”

“Ask yourself why. She's smart, she's funny-” You could tell Robin had really thought about what Y/N had said to her and decided to support her friend.

“Buckley just forget about it okay? I'm not gonna date Y/N.”

And of course, with the great luck they usually had, Y/N had just walked to see if Steve needed help with the drinks. Robin noticed her first and gave her this apologetic look, of course, she didn't want her to feel bad and the same applied to Steve, so he cursed himself for saying it out loud.

Y/N had this deer caught in the headlights look like she was just humiliated which would make sense.

“Ahm I was just…excuse me,” she said before walking off and leaving the house. Trying to find her keys as fast as possible so she could just drive away and forget this ever happened.

“Y/N, Y/N whoa whoa whoa hold on, let me explain.” Steve got out himself trying to stop her.

“I think you were pretty clear Steve. And yes, I lied when you asked me that one time if I liked you but…what was I thinking I mean, you and me? It's just…I must be totally crazy-”

“You're not crazy, okay?” he said in a heartbeat. Probably didn't even realize it.

“Steve, I pretended to be your money advisor to seduce you.”

Huh. Yeah, he kinda did forget about that. “Well, that was crazy.”

“Don't worry because I'm sure next week I'll be totally obsessed with some guy who gives me change for parking,” she said sarcasm dripping down every word.

“Look, what I said has absolutely nothing to do with you okay? It's just that…”

“What? That…for the longest time all you could feel was your desire to get back Nancy Wheeler but now that's gone so you feel empty, can't feel anything, least of all anything for me?”

Steve opened and closed his mouth a few times after he found any words. Because believe it or not she did have that effect on him. To leave him speechless. Why? That he didn't know yet.

“How do you keep doing that?”

“Doing what?” said Y/N confused.

“That. You keep telling me what I'm thinking before I feel it.”

Oh. “Because I think about you. I want you to be happy and I think that if you gave it a chance you might feel something too.” she thought what the hell better lay everything down now that he knows, she wasn't expecting on telling him like this but like always she remained hopeful.

“Y/N…” Shit. Steve didn't want to hurt her feelings I mean; he knew what it felt like to be rejected after pouring your heart out to someone and he felt like crap to do it to someone else.

But before he could continue Y/N decided to answer for him.

“Are you gonna tell me that you really like me as a friend?” she narrowed her eyes and it felt like she could see right through his soul.

Damn. She's good. “Maybe…?”

Clearly, that's the worst thing he could have said when she just walked away with this annoyed pace if that even is a thing. Leaving Steve alone with his thoughts.

“How did she do that?”

 --------------------------------------

Later that night Y/N decided to visit Robin's house. Even though tonight was a total wreck she had one last thing to do. Which made her knock on Robin’s door hoping she would answer. And she did.

“Robin,” said Y/N in this sad tone.

“Y/N! What are you doing here?” she wasn't expecting her at 1 in the morning outside her house.

“Um…when I had really bad grades last year, my sister's boyfriend gave me this finances guide and I thought it might help Steve with his problems, I would have given it to him before, but I was trying to seduce him so…” she couldn't help and look at her shoes. Realizing she hasn't changed from her Cinderella outfit if you will.

“So, why can't you just give it to him?”

“Because. I'm too embarrassed. You were totally right. Here I am, trying to get into college and living like a refugee at my sister's, and Steve's nice to me so I fall for him? it's just totally pathetic. Just, please give that to him.”

Well shit, now Robin felt even more terrible.

“Wow, I never thought I would see you quitting.”

That made Y/N look up in surprise. “What? It's completely hopeless Robin, you heard him.”

“Yeah no, it's just, you rolling over like an old dog…not the Y/N I remember…”

“Are you seriously trying to Jedi mind trick me?” Y/N deadpanned.

“Y/N L/N, quitter. I guess I'll just have to get used to that.”

Sure, Y/N's ego was a little bruised, but Robin was kinda right, that was taking it too far. Hell, she has fought Demogorgons and she was scared to face Steve Harrington? No. No way.

“Fine.”

 ---------------------------------

Y/N soon realized Steve was staying at Robin's for the night due to not wanting to be in his big house alone for the night, so, why not crash with your best friend after a long day?

“Hi,” Y/N said as she walked into the living room where Steve was putting a duvet on the big couch so he could sleep there.

“Hey…” Steve looked up in surprise.

“Um…I brought you some books. I'm not trying to be your advisor I just thought it might help you.” truth be told, Y/N didn't know why she had to do this in the middle of the night, maybe she had a feeling, maybe she wasn't ready to give up.

“Thanks.” Steve said dryly.

“What am I doing?” Y/N turned around ready to leave the house feeling utterly pathetic for what felt like the tenth time that night.

“Woah hold on. Look, I gotta say something.” Steve had been thinking of what to say to her again since she left the party.

“Um…I think you've got this idea that you're this strange person that has to trick people into liking her and it's not true, you're um, you're amazing.”

Y/N was in awe, she definitely didn't expect that. She couldn't help to laugh either.

“Oh my god, you just did it to me.”

“Did what?”

“Said exactly what I was feeling. Well, except for the me being amazing part.”

Steve smiled at that. “Well, it's true and uh…honestly you know, I wish I did feel something.”

Y/N thought for a moment. This might be a huge mistake but since she was here putting herself on the line again. Why not? Her dignity was already in a questionable situation.

“Kiss me.”

Well, Steve wasn't expecting that. He looked at her trying to understand if he heard that right.

“Uh…what?”

“I think that there's something there and I think that if you kiss me, you'll feel it too.”

“Uh, I don't think that's how it works?”

“Come on, if you don't feel anything, I will never mention it again. That's the best deal you'll ever get, ask Robin. Just one kiss.”

Truth be told, Steve wasn't sure why he found this so difficult, it's not like he hasn't kissed girls just for the hell of it, but something did feel different. Deep down maybe he was scared that he would actually feel something. He didn't believe this was a thing, but you never know.

“One kiss…one kiss,” he said coming closer.

“Okay,” said Y/N leaning in.

Y/N wasn't an excellent kisser that she knew of, she had only kissed one guy before but there was something that told her that if he was the one, the kiss would be perfect either way.

So, Y/N kissed Steve. It was tender and soft, one kiss turned into two. Steve's body was frozen except for his lips. He wanted to cup her face and pull her even closer but was it because he hadn't been kissed like that in a long time? Or was he actually feeling something? That's when Y/N pulled away interrupting his thoughts. He was surprised which led to him making this shocked face.

“I'm sorry.”

Y/N felt like a ton of bricks just had hit her. What did she do? She couldn't help but look at her feet again and run away.

Steve didn't call after her, he just stood there, still frozen, processing everything that just happened since she walked in. His thoughts were racing mainly "What the fuck just happened" he decided to lie on the couch and whatever had just burst into him...he would figure out tomorrow.

 FEEDBACK IS GREATLY APPRECIATED <3

Pretty please leave a comment if you think I should make this a series  

It's probably pretty bad but idk I just finished college so I thought I would occupy my time while I find a job :))

[scoops-ahoy-fics]

let me fix it || eddie munson x reader oneshot [REPOST]

so i queued a post for the first time, bad decision :) tags messed up, i don't know how or why, so i just copy and pasted everything and reposted! sorry for the inconvenience, just wanna get this to the people who might need it!

fighting and arguing aren't good for anxiety, but you know that your boyfriend is the cure. eddie knows exactly how to help <3

reader: gender neutral

characters: eddie munson

genre: light angst to fluff

spoiler warning?: nope!

notes: AAAAAA THIS REQUEST IS ADORABLE <3 im a sucker for fluff like this and writing stuff like this makes my heart go ckdnxkksoszksk <333 thank you so much for the request! a lil shorter than i wanted it to be but i have a huge headache and brain functions go bye bye

Shouting. You could never get away from it. Even in the safety of your own room. Even buried deep in the corner of your closet, hands tightly pressed to your ears. Every inch of you body was shaking, anxiety rushing through every possible vein in your body. You can take this right now, you need to leave.

Carefully crawling out of your window, you could still hear the arguments from your parents. Each word was another pang in your heart as you tried to formulate thoughts. Where could you go? How far would you have to go to get away from this?

Only one person was on your mind. Eddie. Your boyfriend loved you more than anything, and you knew that he would help. Being with him seemed to melt all of your anxiety away, just with a single touch or word from his mouth. You needed him to fix this.

Thankfully his place wasn't that far of a walk, and you had it memorized. The tears clouding your vision wasn't helping, and the heavy breathing was definitely an inconvenience. You were already anxious, and now you were alone in the middle of the night and no body knew where you were?

You began to pick up the pace, running like the wind as tears cascaded down your cheeks as your thoughts got the best of you, and the worst of you. You raced towards Eddie's trailer frantically, eventually getting to the doorstep. You carefully knocked on the door, your hands shaking. You then rested them on your knees, panting.

Eddie opened the door, about to lean against the doorway before his eyes widened. “Hon, what are you doin' here so late? You should be in bed, wh-” he said as you looked up at him, seeing all the tears on your face. And that's when he leapt into action.

He gently took your face in his hands and wiped the tears, giving you a gentle kiss on the forehead. “Can I carry you to my bedroom? You look like you're about to pass out baby, I don't need you dying on me,” he chuckled softly, trying to lighten the mood.

After a shake-y nod from you, Eddie carefully picked you up bridal style and carried you to his bed. He laid you down, wiping the new tears that were forming and cascading down your soft cheeks. “Wanna tell me what's going on, or do you wanna cuddle? Let me do what's best for you and get you calmed down a little bit,” he said in a gentle tone, almost whispering into your ear as he pressed a gentle kiss to your temple.

You looked into his eyes and sniffed softly. “Jus' arguing and stuff, got a l-little scared, j-just needed you ...” you mumbled softly as you shuffled closer. Yes, you were super hot from running, but you didn't care. You needed his arms around you.

Eddie knew what he had to do, carefully wrapping his arms around you and pulling you closer. “I've got you now, okay? And nothing's gonna hurt you while I'm here. Mhm, you better believe it,” he said, giving you an exaggerated kiss on the forehead.

A soft giggle left your lips as you looked up at him with a smile. “There's that beautiful smile I love so much, you want more kisses? It looks like you love 'em.”

“I do, I do! I love them,” you said happily, gently kissing his cheek. You were obviously in a better mood, although you weren't entirely calm. You were better than you were, though. And Eddie was over the moon.

Eddie let out a dramatic gasp as you kissed his cheek, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. “Well, I love yours too. We got so much in common! Maybe that's why we make such a good couple?” he joked softly, pressing a few more kisses over your face as he held you tight.

You nodded, gently nuzzling your head into his chest as you enjoyed his comfort. “I love you so much,” you said, muffled by the soft cloth of his shirt.

His hands carefully ran across your back, a gentle smile on his face as he realized that you were better. You were safe in his arms, both of you knew that. And he would protect you with everything he could. Eddie loved you, and you knew that for a fact. He would never let you forget that. “I love you too, honey.”

He continued to run gentle circles into your back as he heard soft snores escape your lips. He moved his hand to feel your forehead and arm temperature before deciding you had cooled down enough. Carefully pulling the soft blanket over the two of you, Eddie pressed a gentle kiss to your temple. “Get some rest, you deserve it. Goodnight, babydoll.”