#but lately I haven’t been going to bed until 2am bc my dad’s sleep schedule is later than usual and it’s throwing me off my cycle

[sadgirlautumn]

I actually need to stop staying up so late. It’s 5am, people are going to their jobs right now and I’m only just now going to sleep. 😭

[creylune]

uhhh sort of latter half of 2016 recap and update i suppose (kinda negative)

i haven’t really drawn properly (not even sketching or doodling) in about two weeks since after coming back from taiwan i’ve just been really pooped and drained and finding it very difficult to get out of bed or stop playing video games. i’d start thinking about the future while lying in bed and start sobbing uncontrollably bc then my mind would wander to thoughts of coming out to my parents or never getting married and disappointing them. i managed to stop gaming for 75% of my waking hours a few days ago which is at least progress (mostly because i realized i have to go back to school in less than a week and i wasted a week in my room gaming instead of meeting up with high school/local friends). 

first quarter of college wasn’t all that stellar and i definitely spent a fair amount of time every other week sobbing or crying for no specific reason other than feeling lonely/wanting a hug/feeling shitty in general. i don’t mesh well with too many people so i actually didn’t talk to anyone other than a barista and cashier on the second to last day of finals (i pulled an all nighter in the library...i completely lost my appetite for over 24 hours and had to force myself to get up and eat lunch at 3-4pm). first quarter was just bad lol (it had its positives but i was more sad than happy)

i hope with 2017 comes more opportunities that i won’t pull away from, baby steps to getting back the confidence i had in high school, and an improvement in sleep schedule bc it actually got worse in college for no good reason LOL. i’ve also been mulling it over the past 3 months and i’m pretty certain i have mild-moderate depression, so i’m aiming to make an appointment at the university health center to get some...peace of mind, i guess? i can’t find the right phrase rn but i think getting a diagnosis would be helpful for me. not sure if i’m in need of meds because the depressive states usually hit hard during breaks or when weather is cold/gloomy (ironically i love cold/gloomy weather) and most of the time i’m not miserable. school just really worsens it. 

i have two overdue secret santas i have to finish... it’s been really hard to focus and motivate myself to get productive even though i want to be productive. each day just passes by and then i find myself sitting at my desk or lying in bed and it’s 2am and i’m like ‘oh... it’s too late now i’ll wake up early and try again tomorrow’ and then i get up at 11:30am and can’t bring myself to get out of bed until 1pm or if my dad starts screaming at me. then we go out to practice driving/do some errand and then i just lie around in my room from 4pm-11pm or later...it’s been like this for the past couple of days...

my time in taiwan was really nice and fun though!! it’s just that. when i came home i lost all my energy and excitement about anything fml