#but know i truly appreciate them very very much. though theres a lot happening irl i am so thankful for gifts that were made!! 🙏🥺

[awakenthebeing]

Just placing more arts and things and requests here, don't mind em too much <:3

[notmanagingmymischief]

ok ok first of all, thank you for being so sweet with me :") i love you sm sxjnsjxhs 💕💕

now. im just going to say that this happened irl btw lol so. yeah, theres this friend of mine who i like quite a bit, they have always managed to be nice and understanding of my anxiety, adhd and what else is probably going on inside my brain lol so i grew very fond of them and also came to trust them a lot.

but, today, while we were doing a group project w the just the two of us, when deciding upon a few matters i became overwhelmed and couldnt think properly - which happens quite often tbh - and they then suddenly snapped at me for being 'way too slow' regarding figuring things out for said project, and that i should just do things on the spot, and do them quickly - even though thats something i kept on telling them about ever since we met, that this is definitely not how it works for me, unfortunately.

i became rather defensive because if that was something that i could change for their sake then i would do so at any given moment, trust me on that. but i couldnt. i mean, its my brain after all-

i tried to tell them that we were different, that despite whatever they tried to say i couldnt just work at the very same pace as them. but after some ridiculous arguments being thrown, i was just tired and decided to shut up and continue on doing what we were doing anyway.

so.. what made me extremely confused is that they never acted that way with me, they were always so sweet and just. so understanding of me. i was genuinely sad to see them angry like that and cant stop wondering if i did something wrong, or if me being so slow was actually my fault.

i just. dont know what to think of this and wanted a clearer picture before just deciding to talk to them about this, you know ?

im sorry if this is confusing, and if so i can totally make a few things clearer for you - add details and such.

i just want to know if im in the wrong here, and if im the one who should be properly apologizing to them about this-

also. theyre very focused on the school system and tend to be very strict regarding lessons and stuff like that, so them lashing out like this because we were late to deliver this project would be def reasonable, but they always seemed to understand where i stood in such a fucked up system and that i couldnt function or thrive in a place as such like they could, so i always hoped and assumed that they truly came to know about matters like this, and that they wouldnt get mad at me for not being able to fit in properly.

(i too dont know why they kept on being by my side all this time if im way too slow for them, or why they kept on pairing up with me if they have more than friends than i will ever have on that school. they could have just picked someone else, but despite knowing how slow i am they still accepted being my partner and still came to lash out on me for being. me apparently ?)

i genuinely dont know what happened and dont want to continue on making them angry at me because of this, and i surely dont want to lose the only friend i have there.. so, if you have any advice or if you might know what the hell just happened id greatly appreciate it ;;

(sorry for the huge text btw. im just bad at like. summarizing things)

sorry this took me forever to answer i was proofreading some work mbgfhtjv

ANYWAY i did my best to space this out well enough to understand--at least how it would help me to understand hyugtjhrytnh-

now this is...this is a really tough topic hun. as someone who also has executive dysfunction--not that i'm saying that's what you necessarily have, i'm just using the term from my end--i know what it's like to not be able to work at the same pace as everyone else.

so i'll let you know the most important thing first: this was not your fault. it will never ever be your fault that you don't work the same way that they do. alright? that's very very important to remember, no matter how much you may feel like it.

it is not your job to apologize for being different, that's like me apologizing for not liking guys when my best friend is only attracted to men, you understand? you didn't choose to be born different, just like i didn't choose to be born gay.

now that that's through. i realize how difficult this is to comprehend, especially as it's coming from someone you trust and has been here through this, working with you. it's exceptionally strange that they would just....do that randomly? however they could have issues at home, or online, etc. there's a multitude of reasons why they could have snapped today; things could have been building for a while and your comment might have just made them break.

i think the best approach for you--and you in no way have to do this, i'm just going off personal experience yet again--would be to address them privately, ask them if they're doing well and be nice about questioning what happened. don't accuse them of doing something wrong, just tell them that, hey, that really hurt me and i'm really confused on why you'd do this when you've been nothing but sweet with me.

you know? i hope that all makes sense, again i'm sorry for taking ages to answer hutrgjhn

i love you!! 💚💚

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right