#but just like every other human cow he made me suck on his utters

[absolutepokemontrash]

MC is Half Demon and Blah Blah Blah-

Time for the Group Retreat!

Part 1 Part 2 Lessons 1-5 Lessons 5-6 Lessons 10-12 Lessons 13-15 Part 3 Part 4

I’m quite hyped for this one, ladies, gents, and esteemed readers! For simplicity’s sake, since this is before M!MC and A!MC arrive, L!MC will go back to being referred to as just MC. Enjoy the Headcanons!

Since the previous Underground Tomb incident ended much less violently, Lucifer is now more worried than angry about MC’s rampant shennaniganery.

Like... his kid was poking holes in his totally foolproof “Your cow-uncle went to live on a farm in the human world” story. What if MC somehow got into the attic and got hurt?!

It didn’t help that they were still in this weird phase of their father/child relationship. On one hand, Lucifer obviously cares for his kid, and his kid likes him... but it’s also only been less than three months and we all know how emotionally constipated Lucifer is.

MC’s also getting REAL sus of all the secrets their dear old dad is keeping... doesn’t help that they STILL haven’t went up into the attic.

Anyhoo~ the announcement for the retreat was a barrel of laughs.

“I’m proposing, a group retreat!”

Everyone met Diavolo’s announcement with the exact same confused reaction. It’s like the entire assembly hall was doing the ‘Guy Blinking’ meme.

“A... group retreat?” Lucifer repeated slowly. “For what reason exactly, Lord Diavolo?”

The Crown Prince was giddy with excitement as he explained. “MC told me about their middle school overnight trip and it sounded like it would be quite fun!”

Simeon, Luke, MC, and Solomon were all seated next to each other in the ‘exchange student seats of less importance’. Luke leaned over and whispered a question to MC.

“Why are you so friendly with the crown prince?”

MC smirked and shrugged. “Lucifer had the Demon-Flu and couldn’t go meet with Lord Diavolo last week so I went for him. Lord Diavolo’s surprisingly bad at Connect Four but has really good luck in Snakes and Ladders.”

Luke’s jaw dropped in complete and utter shock and horror.

“We’re playing CandyLand and the Game of Life next time, want to come?” MC added.

“Play CandyLand... with him..?” Luke looked at Diavolo, who was still explaining his plan for the retreat, then looked back at MC. “I’ll only go to shield you from his corrupting influence.”

“Yeah... Corrupting...” MC had to hold back a laugh at the thought of Diavolo, who during MC’s visit lit up like a Christmas tree upon being called ‘Dia’ and believed that Mood Rings were the greatest human invention ever, being a corrupting influence.

“MC! Torture dungeon or no!?” MC was snapped out of their conversation by Mammon shouting at them from his seat.

“What?”

“Do ya think there’s a torture dungeon under the castle, or not?”

“I’m not sure,” MC turned to Diavolo. “Lord Diavolo, is there a torture dungeon under the Demon Lord’s Castle?”

There is in fact, no torture dungeon. Presumably...

Everyone packed up and headed out to the Demon Lord’s Castle!

The fabulous seven all broke several speed limits and traffic laws in order to be there early. Listen, they had to get there before Purgatory Hall, it was a matter of pride.

Besides, what’s the Royal guard going to do? Arrest six of the seven rulers of hell and a kid? Ha. No. Not when Diavolo controls their paychecks.

The rooming situation remained the same, Asmo, Simeon, and MC were roomed together, and MC got to watch Asmo get psychologically profiled by Simeon. It was truly a sight to behold.

MC was nice enough to assure Asmo that they really liked him and thought he was very sweet.

Asmo, not used to being complimented on his personality, almost started openly weeping.

So, the tour of the Demon Lord’s Castle began! Asmo got yelled at by his ex in the painting and the usual batch of idiots got sucked into the catacombs under the castle.

Lucifer wasn’t terribly sure how or if he should express his concern for MC being stuck in the labyrinth.

All these new fatherly feelings of worry are very very odd. He didn’t worry this much for Satan, mainly because Satan was usually the threat.

Even as a baby...

Lucifer found himself checking his DDD every few minutes to see if MC had texted or called from wherever the painting dragged them to, never mind that if they did text he’d hear the phone ding.

“Lucifer, don’t worry too much,” Diavolo patted Lucifer on the shoulder, a bright smile on his face. “Your brothers and MC will be perfectly fine! There’s nothing too dangerous in the catacombs that they wouldn’t be able to take care of.”

Resigning himself to the fact that MC was under the care of his last choices for babysitting, Lucifer put away his DDD. “I know they’ll be fine, but I’m not overly pleased with the situation.” He shot a glare at Helene in the portrait, who rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

“Lucifer worrying about someone, I’m truly, genuinely shocked.” Hearing Satan’s attempt at goading him, Lucifer, flawless demon that he is, resisted the urge to throw his DDD at his brother.

“Quiet, Satan.”

————

“WHY THE FUCK IS A SNAKE DOWN HERE?!”

“ITS HENRY 1.0!”

“YEAH THAT REALLY CLEARS STUFF UP, LEVI!”

MC and Levi continued their screaming match as the group ran for dear life from a giant snake.

Yeah... nothing the brothers couldn’t handle... sure, Lord Diavolo...

They made it out of the scary catacombs... don’t worry.

Lucifer did that parent-thing where he cleaned the catacomb dust off MC’s face with a napkin.

Yay! Parenting!

Failed pillow fight attempt #1 happened that evening. Because Mammon was obsessed with being the fun-uncle and saw his brothers encroaching on his place as favourite uncle.

MC doesn’t know how to break it to him that he’ll probably always be the favourite uncle and he doesn’t have to be such a dumbass to keep his spot.

Scavenger hunt went on as canon dictates.

Asmo had his diva tantrum and stormed off, but MC also wanted to win so they didn’t go after him.

Clearly expecting someone to go beg him to come back, Asmo was very annoyed when no one went after him.

“Um, helloooo? Anyone going to comfort me~?”

“Nope.”

“Well I don’t want your comfort anyway, SOLOMON.”

It was very close, L!MC insisted their loss came from sabotage. No evidence was found but just LOOK at Satan’s face.

Time for the Formal Dance~

If you’re wondering why Luke didn’t say anything when MC was suddenly poofed into their demon form, you’re assuming that Mammon wasn’t in on the “let’s prank the chihuahua” plan.

“Mammon..? Is MC behind you?”

“Nope! Why?”

MC was able to get to the other side of the ballroom with Luke none the wiser! Hell yeah, nothing like screwing with your friend!

So it’s canon that Lucifer is like, a solid 20/10, therefore MC is ADORABLE. What I’m saying is, some of the younger demons asked them to dance.

Asmo was also being MC’s hype man, which was very nice of him. Mammon also tried to give advice on how to be cool and suave. Beel was there for moral support.

“Alright kiddo, you need to be aloof and mysterious! People love aloof and mysterious, that’s why I’m so popular.”

“Don’t listen to him, MC. He flew into a wall as a kid and it killed all his brain cells. Just be proper but not snooty, sweet but not saccharine, friendly but not annoying,”

“Ask them if they want to share some of the hors d’oeuvres.” 

“Okay, first, aloof and mysterious are the last words I would ever use to describe you, Mammon. Second, Asmo I have no clue what you’re asking me to do. Third... Beel that’s the best advice I’ve received in recent memory.”

None of that mattered anyway because MC got swarmed with dance offers.

“Well,” MC smirked and held out their hand at the demon that was bold enough to ask them to dance first. “I admire the confidence.”

The demon’s smile brightened, then dropped completely when their gaze drifted behind MC. “I uh... on second thought... I’m gonna...”

MC’s potential dance partners all quickly scattered to the snack table. The half demon growled and turned around to see their father acting like he didn’t just scare away MC’s groupies.

“Father! What was that for?!” MC huffed, Lucifer rolled his eyes and grabbed MC’s wrist and began to pull them away from the dance floor.

“You’re too young to dance.”

“That’s crazy! They looked like they were my age.” MC protested, their wings fluttering in annoyance.

“Even if they looked to be your age, MC, they’re hundreds of years older.” Lucifer said calmly.

“What about that equivalent age stuff you told me about? Like how Luke is hundreds of years old but by angel/human standards he’s technically younger than me?”

“That doesn’t matter right now.” Lucifer lightly pushed MC towards the hallway that led back to their room.

“But I want to dance with someone!” MC felt their wings involuntarily fluff up.

Lucifer turned and smiled at his dear little brat, crouching slightly to get to their level. “Not on my watch.”

MC’s face was literally this: >:0

Lucifer is out here being the dad in every comedy that involves someone bringing home their partner to meet their parents.

MC was banished to their room, they spent their time angrily reading the manga they had packed.

When Levi escaped the party slightly later MC grilled him for details of what went on after they left.

“Nothing too interesting... except... um...”

“Spit it out, Levi!”

“...lrddiavlondlucferdnced”

“I can’t understand you, stop mumbling.”

“Lord Diavolo and Lucifer danced together...”

“...”

“...”

“I MISSED THAT?!”

So yes, MC’s desire to get a picture of Lucifer sleeping stems from VENGEANCE!

How DARE their father send MC up to their room and make them miss their OTP dancing together!?

So they call up their troupe of idiots and get ready to go be menaces to society.

MC also invites along Asmo because he seemed like he could use the adventure.

And because MC couldn’t plan the prank without Asmo noticing so it was better to just implicate him as well...

“Grrr...”

MC brightened and clapped their hands. “I know that growl!”

“It’s not my stomach, I packed snacks.” MC couldn’t see this, considering the room was pitch black (it must’ve been some kind of magic because demons have excellent night vision), but Beel waved a bag of chips in the air and got to eating.

“No, I’m not talking about your stomach, Beel.” MC skipped towards the source of the growling despite Mammon and Levi’s pleas for them to stop.

Ah! There he was!

“Cerberus!” MC cooed, the three headed dog stopped growling and barked happily. “Whose a good boy? Is it you?”

Cerberus let lose a bark that would probably make anyone crap their pants, but MC giggled and kept petting him. “Yeah! You’re the good boy! You like cuddles! Yes you do! Yes you do!”

A flash of light from a camera caused MC to drop their baby talk voice and stare angrily in the direction where the light came from.

“Whoever took that picture better delete it or I’m going to feed you to the dog.”

Cerberus growled in agreement. What a good boy.

“Well, as nice as this is...” Asmo huffed. “We’ve clearly been duped because this is not Lucifer and Diavolo’s room.”

“Oh well!” MC chirped and continued to pet the three headed dog. “Look at the doggy!”

“MC, you’re crazy. Dontcha ever forget that.” Mammon whimpered as Cerberus growled at him.

So yeah, they couldn’t get out of the room, so they ended up opening up the other door and falling into the catacombs like a bunch of lemmings.

Asmo charmed Henry, and they got out of the labyrinth no problem.

Yay! No consequences! Oh no- hi Lucifer.

Lucifer gave them all the mother of all lectures. Satan showed up with the rest of the gang and brought popcorn.

Belphie wasn’t there, okay? Satan needed to be a little shit for him.

Ah yes, the pillow fight... Mammon’s crusade to be the best uncle culminated in a massive pillow fight that ended with MC, Lucifer, and Diavolo standing over everyone’s unconscious bodies.

So they uh... won the pillow fight.

MC couldn’t sleep. They legitimately couldn’t. As exhausting as the pillow fight victory had been, everyone was snoring, and MC was bleary eyed and awake at one in the morning.

They eventually sat up and looked around, Asmo was passed out in a very unflattering position, Solomon was chanting god knows what in his sleep, Levi was half hanging off Simeon’s bed, Simeon and Luke were sleeping like angels (hehehehe-), Beel was in the middle of eating his pillow in his sleep, Mammon appeared to be dreaming about winning the lottery, and Satan was... suspiciously absent.

He was there a minute ago... weird.

Deciding that this wasn’t worth it and they should just go sleep somewhere else, MC got out of bed and avoided stepping on anyone as they vacated the room.

The Demon Lord’s Castle at night could rival the House of Lamentation in terms of overall creepiness. MC had gotten used to the spirits and curses that littered their home, but they had only been to the Demon Lord’s Castle once before, so they were extra careful not to accidentally touch anything. Their stomach rumbled and they frowned.

Damn, they had the midnight munchies... they needed a snack.

MC made their way to the kitchen and on there way, noticed a peculiar room through a half open door. Taking a few steps back to peek into it, they noticed... doors. A lot of doors. And ivy covered steps. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to any of the placements, and the room was... weirdly chilly.

“You can come in if you’d like, MC.”

Barbatos’ voice nearly caused MC to hit a high note that they hadn’t been able to hit since their voice began to change. They straightened out their wrinkled pyjamas and stepped inside.

The butler himself was walking down one of the flights of stairs.

“Um...” Quickly remembering their manners, MC straightened their posture and cleared their throat. “Good evening Barbatos.”

Barbatos smiled and inclined his head in turn. “Good evening to you as well, MC.”

“How did you know it was me outside? You were up there a second ago.” MC asked.

“It’s a part of my powers. I can see possible futures, and I foresaw you passing by my room and getting curious.” Barbatos explained.

“Oh,” MC said, half nodding and continuing to look around. A the sound of a door closing out of MC’s vision made them squeak and look around for the source of the noise. “What was that?!”

“It’s nothing to be worried about.” Barbatos raised his hands in a placating gesture. “These doors in my room are gateways to different timelines and some are gateways into the past of this particular timeline. That was another version of me passing by.”

“Does this... happen often?” MC knitted their eyebrows.

Barbatos hesitated before answering. “Not really. It’s quite rare. Lord Diavolo has expressly forbidden me from using my full powers freely.”

“Ah... makes sense...”

“Now, I believe you came down for snacks?”

MC blinked in surprise. “How did you- oh... the time magic...”

“Yes, the time magic. Now, would you prefer yogurt and fruit, or apples and peanut butter?”

“Yogurt and fruit please!”

I’m sure MC’s knowledge of how Barbie’s room works will totally not come into play later. I’m sure.

Solomon and MC graced the brunch table with their cooking. I think you can guess how it would have turned out if Barbatos hadn’t intervened.

Rest In Peace to Beel’s tastebuds.

Anyway, the rest of the retreat was all fun and good.

MC may or may not have slipped up and called Diavolo ‘Dia’ in front of Lucifer. It would’ve sparked a lecture if Dia’s puppy-like excitement wasn’t so damn adorable.

Lucifer’s got a heart... somewhere... it’s probably all shrivelled up and tiny, but I’m sure it’s there.

Everyone went back home, brought closer together through... pillow fights and surviving Solomon’s cooking I guess..?

Anyway, MC got home, unpacked their stuff, watched Kakegurui with Levi and Mammon, let Asmo paint their nails, made and ate dinner with Beel, continued their piano lessons with Lucifer, and received a 100% fake smile from Satan.

It was a nice day with their new family, MC curled up in their bed and prepared to go to sleep.

“Help me!”

MC lurched upwards in their bed, whipping their head from side to side, trying to find the source of the voice. Their room was completely empty, the perks of being half demon extended to being able to see in the dark. No new smells either, they were alone in the room.

Auditory hallucinations were common before falling asleep after being sleep deprived, creepy, but not too unusual.

“MC!”

Okay- that one couldn’t be ignored. It was common knowledge that the House of Lamentation was definitely haunted in some capacity, but the ghosts never really bothered the demons living inside, MC was partly convinced that some of the ghosts didn’t even notice that the demons were there. So it couldn’t have been a ghost calling their name.

“MC! I need help!”

The voice reverberated through their head, like it was trying to hit every part of their skull to make sure it was at least felt if MC couldn’t hear it. MC massaged their scalp and got out of bed.

The House of Lamentation at night truly lived up to its haunted reputation. Cold, clammy, dark, even by demon standards. No spooky old house was going to scare MC though, they walked down the hall with their head held high.

They walked closer to walls and furniture, knowing that the floor was less likely to creak in those areas. How did they know that? Mammon had told them it worked like a charm. Well, it’d work better for him if he stopped tripping over the furniture and alerting Lucifer.

MC was much more nimble and careful, stepping slowly and lightly around the hallways until they reached the door to the attic. They reached out to clasp their hand around the doorknob, then froze. It smelled like…

Oh no.

MC leapt away from the door like it was rigged to explode if they touched it and practically dove for cover into an alcove. The all too-recent smell of Lucifer’s fancy cologne and the increasing sound of someone coming down the stairs made them clamp their hand over their mouth and crouch down.

What was their father doing up there?

He had said the attic was full of old junk and there was no reason to go up there, so why exactly did he-

The door slammed open and Lucifer stomped down the hallway back towards his room, MC presumed. They were about to let out a sigh of relief when the footsteps paused. MC felt their heart drop right into their gut when they heard the footsteps coming back in their direction.

What were they going to say to him when he found them? ‘Sorry! This isn’t where the bathrooms are!’ The last thing MC wanted was to add to their father’s ever growing list of stresses. MC was totally responsible and grown-up, their father didn’t need to worry.

MC clamped their eyes shut and tried to slow their heart rate. Demons were beings of darkness and shadow, they could blend in quite easily. They took a deep breath, cleared their head, and felt the shadows of the hallway shift and cover them like a blanket.

Lucifer’s footsteps stopped, MC heard a tired sigh, then the footsteps started up again, this time in the direction of his room.

They allowed themselves a sigh of relief before relieving themselves of their hiding space and opening the door leading to the attic staircase.

If the rest of the House of Lamentation was considered clammy, cold, and foreboding, the attic staircase was that multiplied by a factor of twelve. MC felt themselves shudder involuntarily when they stepped closer to the staircase. Every primal part of their brain was telling them to turn around and walk away, but one tiny part was holding them back. They placed their foot on the first step, waiting for any kind of resistance, nothing other than the feeling of passing through invisible cobwebs.

“MC?”

Upon hearing their name, MC craned their neck to try and get a look at what could be waiting for them at the top of the stairs.

“Are you coming, or not?”

The cascade of warning sirens that began to blare in MC’s head went ignored as they continued to scale the staircase.

When they reached the final step, they were met with a long hallway, with a single door on the right side of the wall.

“H-hello?” MC tried to instill some force into their voice, but it still ended up quavering a little.

“Down here.” Someone knocked on the wall next to the door, almost causing MC to jump.

Oh. Oh no. MC stood straight in front of the door, and when they saw who was looking back at them they nearly passed out.

“Belphegor..?”

Belphegor’s eyes flashed as he gave MC a once over. His eyes narrowed when his gaze snapped to MC’s. The analytical expression melted into a lazy grin.

“That’s me,” he said softly. “Nice to finally meet you, MC.”

[obeymeplz]

one of those days ll mammon x gn reader

LISTEN guys... I’ve peeled through every single fanfic and one shot of my boy boy that I can find.

I’m done, finished, kaput. And I need content. So I decided to make my own.

2k words, ft. Belphie my salty homie

Warnings: mean(ish) mammon (because I’m a hoe for angst, highly implicative of smut...?, cussing...?

Enjoy ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry if I suck LOL

It was one of those days, and it all began when you dropped your plate of pickled pancakes (it’s an acquired Devildom taste) all over your crisp, white shoes. Beel involuntarily frowned at the waste of food, while the other demon boys snickered at your inherent clumsiness, Lucifer merely rolling his eyes before excusing himself from the table. But someone was missing that morning.

From that moment on, you knew nothing would be going your way.

Your bad luck followed you to second period, where you received a colossal “F” on your scrying test, and then to lunch where Satan and Asmo had to pull you out of a fight with a succubus who had thought it her business to label you a “suck up whore”. This was a name you were used to; from the moment you arrived, every demon and unthinkable hoard in the Devildom believed you to be sleeping with every brother in the House of Lamentation, playing through all of them with zero consequences. Despite the utter falsity of these accusations, they hurt no less every time you had to hear them.

And to top today’s cake with a juicy red cherry, the one single person who could make all your worries melt away with just a smile had been nowhere in your sights all day. Mammon was indeed the sunshine you needed on this dreary afternoon, with his dumb tinted glasses and cocky remarks, yet endearing eyes and wondrous grin.

Staring out the window of an empty chem room, waiting for someone to be available to walk you home, you realized that it was an odd day - such a new world you’d been thrown into, yet so quickly you had familiarized yourself with your new “normal”; and now that normal wasn’t there. There were certain things you knew, day in and day out.

The sun will (sort of) rise.

The sun will (kind of) set.

You live in Hell.

Mammon will always be there.

These things you counted on to be true, because if they weren’t, you weren’t entirely certain how you’d keep your sanity intact.

“For a human who’s supposed to be completely inferior to our kind, you sure do seem to think a lot”.

Belphie.

“Gee, Belphie, you know, “you sure do” have a way with words. Thank you! I just feel so much better”, you scoffed a retort as you swung your legs over the ledge of the window to face the cow-haired boy, clearly having just woken from sleeping through 7th period. He only smirked at you.

“I heard you need a warm body to walk next to, and I figured I could use the company. Home?”

You smiled smally as he helped you to your feet. “Yeah, home sounds nice”.

He reciprocated the smile.

“So, what really has you down in the dumps?”

You shrugged as you tried to formulate a thought that might make sense to him.

“Well… I guess I-”, you had to cut off mid sentence, because something familiar began to tickle your ears — a laugh, one you’d been aching to hear all day.

“Belphie, is that… is that Mammon? Where has he been all day?”, you were asking the question, but your legs were already moving you out the door away from the answer. He replied, but you could only piece together bits as you got further away from him, following the voice of the snow-haired boy instead. Argument, Mammon left, crashed with friends, all night, definitely in trouble. That’s what you processed.

“Mammon-” you rounded the corner, but halted in your tracks, backing behind it when you came near face-to-face with a group of demons much taller and much stronger than you, energies darker than the ones you were used to being surrounded by.

He hadn’t heard you.

“Bro, that was a riot. You gotta swing with us more often my man”.

“Ya know Lucifer wouldn’t even think ‘bout lettin’ me ride with you guys on the day-to-day. ‘Sides, I got things to do”.

“You mean a human to babysit?”, your breath caught in your throat. You heard Mammon scoff.

“No! I do what I want. They’re cool.”

Your heart pounded into your throat (but that’s something you’d never let him know). You were just friends, and you weren’t sure if you’d ever be more. Sure, he was terrible at hiding how much he cared about you, and sure, he was ridiculously possessive over you, but he’s also the Avatar of Greed, so how much of that is him needing you versus his sin needing you? The way you saw it, neither of those things amounted to relationship-worthy love.

The conversation was droning on, and you’d almost forgotten you were listening.

“So, you fuckin that then or what?”

Your head snapped back into full awareness, the tone of your feelings completely changing every second, anxiously awaiting your favorite demon’s reply. Why were you so nervous? He wouldn’t lie about you, he wouldn’t slander your name — not with what people already thought of you because you lived in a giant house with 7 painfully-attractive, desire-filled, and experienced, rulers of Hell.

“Yeah, the rumors true?”

Mammon’s voice came next at a grumble.

He stuttered it.

You almost didn’t catch it.

You must not have.

“Y-yeah. No, I mean absolutely. I mean, how could a human even turn down The Great Mammon? They couldn’t, and they don’t.”

You must not have heard it — but you did, and you almost wished you hadn’t

Before your thoughts could catch up with your limbs, you found yourself rounding the corner yet again. “Yeah, how could they not, Mammon?”, your voice cracking at the end, despite all your efforts to come across smooth and level-headed.

“MC..”, Mammon’s mouth instantly hung open, his chill facade easily melting away. He looked almost identical to a lost puppy within moments.

“Oh you can bet, Mammon fucks me every single night — no feelings involved, because that’s just the kind of big man he is. He’s even fucking me RIGHT NOW. Right, Mon?”, you seethed his nickname through your teeth. Tears were starting to puddle at the lids of your eyes, threatening to expose just how much you really cared for him, and just how unspeakably broken you felt in that moment.

“M-MC. Pl- please don’t —“, he was already approaching you, pushing past the group of boys. You turned on your heel, catching the watching eyes of Belphie at the end of the hall. You ran for him until you were in reach to yank on his arm, pulling him behind you, as fast and as far away from that school, and Mammon, as possible.

“MC!”

Mammon will always be there.

Mammon would not always be there. This was a new truth you heartbrokenly added to your list.

———————————————————-

Your room was icily cold, numbingly so.

You always kept it like that when you were sad, hoping maybe some of the lack of feeling in your body would translate to your heart.

Hoping you wouldn’t feel so shattered.

You trusted him. And he broke it. He broke you.

These are obvious statements, but as you laid solemnly tucked under a heap of blankets, you couldn’t help but run them, and the scene from today, over and over again through your brain.

Maybe you were overreacting?

Mammon had always been the brother, despite his tsundere attitude, who protected you. He never lost his cool with you, and he never treated you poorly. Maybe he made a few callous remarks here and there, but they were gentle underneath, and just his own way of showing you a glimpse of the angel wings he’d lost a long time ago.

Mammon had become your home.

“MC?”

The voice was muffled through the door, but it was undoubtedly him. You weren’t sure if you were shocked, happy, angry, or assured that he had come, but either way, you wouldn’t dare leave your covers to open the locked door. Not yet.

“MC. Please. Open the door. I-I just wanna talk to ya…”

You didn’t budge.

“I will kick this down, ya know”. You were both quiet until you heard some shuffling outside. Your eyes went wide, ready for a foot to come flying through shards of your door. You scrambled to your feet, stumbling over to the rusted knob.

You cracked it open.

“Please don’t. I don’t want to sleep in Beel’s room another week because my room needs renovating for the millionth time.”

Mammon smiled shyly at you, apologetically more than anything.

“Can I.. ya know, come in?”

You pulled out of the way, making just enough room for the tall, lean demon to slip through the crack in your door.

The moment he stepped in, he was engulfed in darkness, nothing but dim threads of moonlight that seeped in through your curtains to highlight the sharp features of his face and body. He’d shed his jacket since earlier, leaving him in his fitted black tee and jeans.

So beautiful.

You mentally slapped yourself for even thinking about it.

You were mad at him.

“So. Please talk. I’m exhausted and wasn’t planning on even looking at you tonight.” You were curt. But you had to be, or else you wouldn’t be able to hold anything back, whether that be anger, or adoration.

He looked taken back — hurt — too. He glanced at your bed and the candy wrappers strewn about the floor. Mammon wasn’t too bright, but he knew enough to know when someone had been crying for well over an hour.

On a normal occasion, he would’ve thrown himself onto your sheets, rolling until he found a comfortable position to scroll his D.D.D. and poke at you for hours.

But tonight, he awkwardly crossed his arms and shuffled his feet, clearly unsure of what to say first — or at all, for that matter.

“I-“

You raised a tired eye, cueing him to spit whatever excuse he could possibly say out.

“I get a bad rep sometimes.”

What?

“For liking ya.. Hanging with ya.”

If this was an apology, it was the worst one you’d ever heard in your life.

“Oh? Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a burden to your bravado. Let me continue to take myself out of the picture.” You pointed at the door for him to leave, ready to break down the moment he walked through.

“No! That- that’s not what I meant.” He made eye contact for a mere moment, silently begging for you to see his sincerity.

“Is anything ever what you mean, Mammon?” The use of his full name in a mix with that tone clearly set him back, but he shook it off hurriedly.

“Yes! I mean, I don’t care. Usually. I’d-I’d just had a rough day with Luci. Rough life, more like, and I was tired of feelin’ like shit ‘bout myself. Nazriel’s question jus’ threw me off. I-I wanted to seem cool, so I said what I knew would make me, and-“

“And you’re a piece of shit for it”.

You weren’t wrong. And he knew that.

“... and I’m a piece of shit for it.”

There was a pause before he hesitantly continued.

“I wound up bein’ exactly what I was tryin’ not to be. Scummy.”

He raised his eyes to meet yours, blue hues morphing into gold flecks like waves crashing on the beach. Your breath hitched and caught in your throat, only now realizing that the whole time you’d been arguing, you’d both been slowly edging together. Now, you were dangerously close.

“You aren’t scummy, Mammon…”, you began to tenderly look at him.

“Yeah.. I am. But that’s just me, I guess. I can’t mind it.”

He took one step, leaving you toe to toe. Though one of the shorter of the boys, he still towered over you.

“I jus’ can’t be scummy to you.”

You tilted your head, heart and body language softening as he spoke.

“I shouldn’t be, and I don’ wanna be”.

His hands cautiously made their way to your shoulders, and you shuddered at the feeling that made its way through your bones.

“Mammon?”

“Yeah?”

“That apology shouldn’t have worked.”

He chuckled, “you’re right.”

You smiled, a true smile. The first one all day. And what came next, you knew probably shouldn’t. But you also didn’t really care.

“Mammon?”

He hummed in response, and you stood as high as you could on your tip-toes to kiss his cheek. His face deeply rouged the moment your lips met his hot skin.

His eyes were wide as you lowered yourself down, leaving a hand lingering on his arm.

In that moment, his aura shifted, and everything was suspensefully still. Within seconds, his arms wrapped you in a crushing hug, his breath heavy and warm behind your ear.

You sunk your weight into his, relishing the relief from the chill of your room, as you snaked your arms behind his back.

You weren’t entirely sure how long you stood like that, but you knew it must’ve been a while, because his grip was starting to affect your breathing.

“Mon- air”,

He lightened up and pulled back from you.

“S-sorry!”

Your lips turned up at the sight of his cute embarrassment. He scowled at you, knowing what you were thinking, but slowly started to laugh.

He leaned his forehead against yours, the sudden proximity causing you to let out a slight squeak.

“Ya drive me nuts, ya know?”

You searched his eyes, trying to make sure he was saying what you really thought he was.

This was a bad idea. For so many reasons.

But truthfully, neither of you gave two shits.

So he ghosted his lips over yours, his left fang biting his bottom, waiting for the sign to move — the sign that you wanted him, the sign that he would be enough.

The second you tilted your nose to the side of his, he crashed his mouth into yours.

From all the “first kisses” with your “first man” that you’d imagined, this was like none of them.

It was so

so much better.

It was fast, it was hard, but it wasn’t rough. It wasn’t brutal. It wasn’t empty. It was a cataclysm of feelings — pent up tension, pent up love.

As he dragged his mouth over yours, he hooked his hands under your legs, lifting you to wrap around him in one, swift movement. Then, he was on the move, backing himself toward your bed until the back of his knees met the mattress, and he collapsed, pulling your legs to straddle his lap. You hadn’t disconnected from his lips the entire time, still fervently needing more of him. You knew he felt the same. The demon of greed would most certainly never have enough of you. He tasted sweet and smelled strongly of an expensive cologne you knew he probably couldn’t actually afford. One of his hands stayed splayed on the top of your thigh, while the other worked to bring you even closer to him (if that was possible), pressing underneath your shirt to the skin on your back, two fingers edging their way into the beltline of your shorts.

He was careful not to take himself too far, to not lose control, and you could tell, so you worked your tongue past his lips. He sucked in a breath as the complete access to your mouth made room for him to deepen his greed for you. Slipping his tongue to meet yours, he nipped at your bottom lip, working his entire mouth in a blissful harmony.

He pulled back, heaving air, seeping desire from every muscle, just enough to speak to you,

“MC… I-I can’t… I can’t handle this... well... for much longer. I don’ know what I’m gonna do to ya…”, he began to pepper wet kisses down your neck, unable to keep himself off you long enough to even hear your reply.

You weren’t sure what else you were expecting, or if you were expecting anything else at all.

You were making out with a demon, after all.

You moved a hand to rake your nails through his frosty hair, and he leaned into the palm of your touch.

“It’s okay. I want you. All of you...”, it was only a whisper, but you were afraid if you spoke too loud, you’d snap the moment in half.

He did nothing but growl before reattaching his lips to yours, bringing his slender fingers to tug up at the hem of your shirt.

“I’m gonna do my best not to hurt ya…” he mumbled on your lips. You simply nodded, running your hands against his abs. He shivered at the contact, before helping you remove his own shirt.

Somewhere in the midst of him sliding on top of you, and the complete sight of the demon boy you had always longed for filling your soul, you heard the faintest of three words. You almost tricked yourself into believing they never entered the air, that they’d never left his lips.

But they were impossible to ignore.

“I love you”.

The sun will (sort of) rise.

The sun will (kind of) set.

You live in Hell, with 7 boys you dearly love,

but one holds you in the palm of his hand.

Mammon will always be there.

That night, he proved that truth to you over, and over again.

fin.

[agentelmo]

The X-Files MSR Analysis Series: Season 1 Episode 11

“Eve”

Previous episode analysis - 1x10 Fallen Angel.

Eve is a nice episode in terms of MSR because it is littered with cute little moments between Mulder and Scully.  Mostly characterised by their silently eyeballing each other.  Sometimes when the other isn’t even looking.  

Sorry, lets be real here - sometimes when Scully isn’t even looking. 

There’s a great scene in Mulder’s motel room which shows they’re still feeling each other out on a personal level - despite Scully’s dismissal of Mulder as a potential love interest in Jersey Devil, she clearly hasn’t 100% given up on it because she’s definitely putting the feelers out in that scene - testing the waters of Mulder’s personal life. 

On a non-MSR front, we also get our first whiff of a mention of the super soldiers that become so prominent in season 9.  Which is interesting, right?  Right?

So the episode begins with Mulder and Scully in Basement HQ talking about the latest spooky goings on.  Professor Mulder must have got in late this morning, as he’s still putting together his slide show for this mornings class.

Mulder’s characteristic gallows humour makes an appearance, and what I really like is that he looks up to see her reaction to his joke - is he gonna get a flash of her dazzling smile?

No.

He gets nothing - nada, zip.  Scully isn’t rewarding that mediocre attempt.

You know why this stood out to me now?  After seeing season 11′s This, it reminded me of the skanky bar scene where Mulder makes a joke about Scully looking “adorbs”.  Mulder stares at her for a long ass moment afterwards, waiting for a response.  

From the very beginning, he always got a kick out of getting a rise out of her - cracking her cool exterior.  I just like that the same gesture is seen here, right at the very beginning of their relationship.  He makes a joke to enjoy her response - and I think, a little bit, just to see her smile, because holy shit, Scully has a million watt smile.  

Who wouldn’t want to be the cause of that?

How quaint.  Remember a time before you knew anything about cattle mutilation, Scully?

What I love about this is what I love about all Mulder’s slide show scenes, which is that he enjoys the song and dance of presenting his ideas to Scully.  He likes playing teacher.  Look at his face when she gives him her “say what now?” look.

Close enough, Mulder?  He’s looming over her, being an utter space invader - as usual.  It’s their classic physical flirtation, but where the real foreplay lies between them is in the meeting of two sharply intelligent minds. 

He already knew that she wasn’t familiar with the fine art of cattle sucking, and that this would be how their conversation would go.  He had it all planned out.

This is why he was queuing up the slide show before he even asked the question -  he was just waiting to explain it to her.  He sports the smile of smug success, because it’s all gone to plan.  He’s hit his mark and now he’s ready to go - Professor Mulder is in the house, people!

He does this for her validation, which in turn allows him to present otherwise fantastic ideas in a way that fits the conventions of a regular FBI investigation - she brings order to his chaos and I think he actually desires that - at this point he’s come to see the value in it.  

In Basement HQ with Dana Scully in attendance, Professor Mulder’s theories and ideas are not dismissed as nonsense, they’re treated as potentially valid.  This is a place of safety and mental freedom for him.  His relaxed demeanour, as he regales the grim details of the case, suggest this is the portrait of a man freed from the limitations of self-doubt and judgement. 

This is in sharp contrast to how Mulder has been know to behave around his peers.  He has a tendency to be very reticent with his fellow FBI colleagues. He’s been burned one too many times by talking about his ideas, and so tends to keeps his cards close to his chest. 

It just goes to show how her validation is like catnip for him - there is no holding back in these show and tells.  He fully expects Scully to hear him out and throw out her usual challenges, to which is he more than happy to rise because he knows they come from a place of scientific rigour not condescension and mockery - he revels in the acknowledgement and the challenge.  

As the series progresses he refines his beliefs - he too needs proof.  But at this stage he really does believe in almost anything, and is happy to go along with any bat shit theory.  Seeing is believing for Mulder in season 1.

Not so with Scully, of course.  He’s so overtly open and unabashed with his beliefs that sometimes - when you actually listen to exactly what it is he’s saying - you do have to wonder if he is, in fact, crazy.

See what I mean?  He’s pretty bald-faced about it.  Unflinchingly eccentric.   It’s actually kind of touching to watch him spout this nonsensical stuff about aliens coming thousands of light years to exsanguinate some poor moo cows.  Seriously, the guy sounds like he’s been smoking the good stuff.

Most normal people would tell him he’s a fucking mental case and report him to FBI human resources - this guy needs a psych evaluation - stat!

But Scully?  Nope, she’s there to do a job - put his bat shit craziness to the test, so she swallows her disbelief and instinctive need to object... literally...

...and off we go!

So Mulder and Scully go off to investigate the man who had been blood suckered and have a chat with his daughter - the only witness to his death.  

And oh God this series can be tough to watch at times with hindsight... more Scully being totes adorbs and sweetly softly spoken with kids.  

Any time Mulder and Scully are in scenes with kids I can’t deal.  It hurts man.

Even if the kid in question is creepy AF.

Seriously what is it with the kids being freaky mofos in this show?

Creepiness aside, I love that this little bunny-clutching satan spawn totally plays Mulder.  

She tells him what he wants to hear; the implication is that this girl has some kind of mind reading capability to pull “men from the clouds” and the word “exsanguinate” from out her arse.

Uh yeah...

Mulder, this is important... and not the time to be staring at your partner’s lips again.  Geez, man. FOCUS.

Scully gets a call that there’s been another murder, so off they jet to San Fran baby!  Check it out - that’s a sunny establishing shot!

Although when they get to the murder victim’s residence the weather is grey and overcast as fuck.

You tried, Vancouver.  You tried.

What I admire about this scene here with Mulder and Scully is the fact that she doesn’t let Mulder intimidate her.

When Scully was assigned to Mulder, she was green, untested.  He’s literally her first ever partner since she’s never been a field agent before, and he has quite the reputation as an incredibly savvy profiler and successful investigator.  Not to mention the fact he’s a man, and she’s a woman.

Yet she doesn’t let that stop her questioning his every step.

That’s pretty fucking impressive, isn’t it?

Scully’s self-confidence is crazy admirable.  She truly is a phenomenal role model for young girls.  I know she was for me.

What’s even more brilliant about her challenge here, is that she is more right than he is.  Mulder is, in fact, super wrong.  As we discover much later, these two deaths actually are the work of two killers working in tandem like Scully says and Mulder, the career profiler, dismissed this out of hand.  1 - 0 to Scully.  Keep score in this episode, because Scully does well to prove she’s more than a match for Mulder.

So they head off to speak with the daughter of the second murder victim, and Mulder exhibits his terrible parking skills.  How far away from the kerb do you wanna be, Mulder?

Look at Scully with her little season 1 briefcase... D’awwwwwwww.

Mulder is clearly in a good mood this morning, he’s quite playful with Scully all throughout this scene.

Case in point, when they’re discussing the fact that Teena Simmons has been abducted....

Let’s pause for effect.  Look at him looking at her.

Oh Mulder... are you GAZING by any chance?

Scully says the roadblocks turned up nothing... again Mulder, in his chipper mood quips back...

He’s doing it again.  Looking for her to react.  Both times.  He really does like to  enjoy her reaction, and I think she knows it because she refuses to give him one.  Perhaps it’s to loosen her up; relax.  My theory is that he just enjoys breaking down her professional exterior and so he make it his low key eternal mission to make her crack.  Like the proper little wind-up merchant that he is.

Also, whoa... Mulder are you blatantly checking Scully out?  She conveniently looks away... and down go those eyes.  You bad, bad man.

“I do not GAZE at Scully.”  Again, pause that.

Sure you don’t.

Then the door opens and we see that the second murder victim’s daughter - Cindy Reardon - looks exactly like the first murder victim’s daughter - Teena Simmons.

Spooky.

Mulder... focus.

I like the little silent conversation that goes on here.

Scully:  Mulder, are you seeing this? Mulder:  Yeah, what do you think is going on here? Scully:  No fucking clue.

Scully starts to question the mother about Cindy, and when Mulder chimes in to cut to the chase, he unintentionally upsets the mother.  Scully realises instantly he’s in trouble as Mulder stumbles over his words and Scully touches his hand, silently communicating – I’ve got this.

He instantly takes a step back and lets Scully handle it.  I fucking love these two.

It’s such a simple gesture, utterly meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but for some reason little things like this make me think these two were made for each other.  I know, that’s a melodramatic thing to say, but this little exchange just thrilled me.  The simple act is trivial but also beautiful at the same time.

Am I weird?  I’m probably just weird.

Muldo and Scullbag head back out to their car and whoa... that is some heady bright red velour interior in their car - yikes.  

Holy crapsicle even the steering wheel is red!  The 90′s man...  Yeesh.

The banter… ah the banter.  This is what makes these two so deliciously fun. It’s not the Joss Whedon style of hyper-lighting-fast, sarcastic barbs or witty, self-deprecating one liners that permeate pretty much every TV show going these days.  It’s two clearly distinct personalities interacting and sparking off of each other in distinct, individual ways.

Mulder’s sense of humour bubbles along the surface of many of the duo’s scenes together, and it’s Scully’s reaction to his humour, rather than sharp-shooting back, that makes their to and fro banter feel genuine and real.  Her reactions tends towards the incredulous or playfully disapproving, but every now and then, he will be rewarded for his efforts with a dazzling smile of genuine amusement.

That feels more real to me because we’re not all witty zing-miesters ready and waiting with the best come back of our lives.  Although Mulder does land a few good ones, that’s defined as part of his personality, not just the collective state of all human beings that exist in the world like we seem to get in a lot of TV these days.

That’s not to say that Scully isn’t funny too.  She also gets her occasional zingers, but the infrequency of them makes them all the sweeter.

So Scully goes to check at the IVF treatment centre to find out how these two girls look so alike, and asks the Doc a question that is kinda scary in hindsight.

Especially given season 11′s recent revelations regarding how Scully became pregnant.  Yeah... this scene made my insides wiggly.

Scully discovers that a doctor called Sally Kendrick was experimenting with eugenics - tampering with the ova before fertilisation.  Again, all very troubling to hear in hindsight for us as viewers in the midst of season 11.  We as fans felt this question had been laid to rest about how William came to be, but season 11 has busted it wide open again.  Scully may have had this same tampering done to her ova before being implanted - if she even was implanted, we have no idea anymore!  Fuck CSM, man...

But lets wash the ickiness away with a stunning profile shot.  Naw... Looks how beautifully 90′s Scully is...

Now the next scene takes place back in Mulder’s motel room... hey now guys, you do know this goes against bureau’s policy on male and female agents consorting in the same motel room while on assignment, right?

Want to see another creepy connection to William?  Mulder and Scully are watching Sally Kendrick’s video monologue, which signs off on this oddly prophetic note...

Uhmmm....

Yeeeeeeeeeeah.

I realise that babies are described as miracles all the time, so it’s unlikely to be an intentional connection, but I got chills.  Did you get chills?

Scully doesn’t miss a chance to point out that Mulder’s cattle guzzling alien theory is looking less and less likely by the minute...

WHERE HAVE I SEEN DAT FACE?

Scully is the one rewarded with the smile this time, oh man keep ‘em coming Scully... Mulder in his glasses with his sleeves rolled up and his tie undone is my kink, my aesthetic, my everything, the sweetest song that I could sing...

OH BABY.

It’s like watching the air go out of a balloon.  Scully kicking dejected puppy!Mulder.... 

But wait! Ring ring... answer the phone, Scully.

New phone, who dis?

MULDER!   IT’S THE DEEP THROAT SIGNAL!

Yeah Mulder, how far does a girl have to go to untangle her tingle?  

SEVEN YEARS, THAT’S HOW FAR.

You’ve not yet qualified Scully, so get the fuck outta here.  No girls with tangled tingles allowed that haven’t gone through the 7 year Mulder vetting process.

He’s not kidding, he doesn’t have a clue what a girl is because thus far no one has made it through the 7 year Mulder vetting process.  

Who is up to the task, I wonder...

ANYWAY!

Mulder, are you seriously asking “what’s a girl?” when you have one of the most beautiful specimens right in front of you?  Go die in a fire now please. Thank you.

Poor disappointed Scully, too.  She wasn’t ready to leave and who can blame her with him flouncing around in those fucking glasses?  STOP IT.

Ughhhh... this whole fucking scene is just lady porn.

Also, isn’t it sweet that Scully’s automatic assumption is that he has a girl coming over?  She must think his little bit on the side was the one who hung up on the phone.  

Notice how Scully executes a classic fishing expedition, here.  She is curious about his personal life and because of his frankly highly suspicious behaviour - seriously Mulder, guy has zero chill, you could have done this a bit more convincingly - has handed her a prime opportunity to jokingly ask an otherwise overtly personal question. 

Don’t think I can’t see what you’re up to, Ms. Scully.

So Mulder goes to meet his girlfriend, Deep Throat and they take a romantic stroll along the jetty, casually bumping shoulders, talk about catching a Warriors game together.  So sweet.

I like that Deep Throat is concerned that Scully has followed Mulder.  Look at this muppet.  He’s a powerful man at the centre of an international consortium of men embroiled in all manner of nefarious government conspiracies and he’s hiding in a bush, afraid of a 5ft nothing red head in a pantsuit.

To be fair to him, Scully is a bad ass, I’d be afraid of her too.  Don’t be messing with her boo, or she’ll be having words.

I had a discussion recently about how Deep Throat seems to take on a fatherly role for Mulder in season 1.  A friendly, compassionate guide who supports Mulder at great risk to himself, his ideal father figure.

These little moments where Deep Throat (Or Ronald Pakula as we know now him, cheers season 11) seems to have more than a professional interest in Mulder.  It’s not simply that he is using Mulder, he appears to genuinely care about him too - this is merely one of several occasions where he suggests they might have enjoyed spending time together outside of their clandestine meetings.  

I’d say we will never know if this care is genuine, as there are certainly times when Deep Throat is shady as fuck - and later will even lie to Mulder - but then we see Deep Throat speak to Mulder from beyond the grave in his The Blessing Way fever dream in season 3.

Where he encourages Mulder to go back to the living world and not to look into the abyss.  Suggesting he truly did care about him.

So moving on, Deep Throat tells Mulder about a secret government eugenics project called The Litchfield Experiment.  Deep Throat says the purpose of this project is to create a “superior solider”.  Yep, that’s right... the notion that the Syndicate were involved in creating super soldiers were seeded back in season 1.  

He directs Mulder to an insane asylum where a subject of this shady experiment is being held named Eve 6.

So I am confused, how did Mulder explain to Scully how he knew about Eve 6 and the Litchfield experiments?  He still hasn’t told her about Deep Throat, and won’t tell her about him until E.B.E.  So how exactly did he explain to Scully why they were going there?  “I dreamt it, Scully!  I totally do not have an informant that basically lets me cheat every paranormal investigation I get stuck on.  It err... yeah, came to me in a vision!  Honest!”

Seriously, I’d forgotten just how often Mulder cheats by getting help from Deep Throat. 

So off they trot to meet Eve 6, and Mulder takes another opportunity to side eye his hot new girlfriend partner when she’s not looking.

The eye sexing in this episode is off the chart by the way.  They’re silently communicating a lot.  A LOT, A LOT.

Eve 6 explains that she and many others were part of an experiment which gave them heightened strength, intelligence but also psychosis.  They’re failed early attempts at creating super soldiers as they are uncontrollable.  They all have a tendency to go bat crap crazy.

And shocker, the two girls Cindy and Teena are part of that same experiment.

Its interesting to watch Mulder and Scully’s differing reactions to Eve 6.  The horror of what she is, a human monster but through no fault of her own.  They both have a very visceral reaction to Eve 6′s Hannibal Lecter moment as she talks about trying to get a bit of lovin’ from a guard.

Scully is clearly uncomfortable; disturbed by Eve 6; her mental state; her living conditions, and the claims of what has been done to her.

Whereas Mulder looks at Eve 6 with morbid fascination.  Like watching a car crash - you just can’t seem to look away from the horror of it.  He’s reviled by her, but also strangely transfixed.  Probably the profiler in him.

Now remember I said to keep score on how many times Scully gets it right and Mulder gets it wrong in this episode.  Well, here’s another doozey.

So that’s Mulder acknowledging that the murders could have indeed happened at the same time by two different people working together, which earlier he summarily dismissed when Scully suggested it.

Have you noticed yet that I like to make a point of highlighting when Scully was actually right and Mulder was wrong?  Why do I do it?  Honestly, it’s because I still haven’t forgiven Mulder for his “who turns out to be right 98.9% of the time?” comment in season 6′s Field Trip.

Arrogant little bishop basher.

But wait, it gets better!

*whispers*  Scully is too good for you.

Mulder suggests the two remaining Eves, Eve 7 and Eve 8, are killing the parents in order to take the girls back into the Litchfield fold.

But there’s some big holes in that hypothesis.  First, if that was their goal all along, why not take the girls when they killed the fathers?  Both kids were alone with their father’s at the time of their murders, so why kill the fathers and return later when the girls would be more protected, not less.

C’mon Mulder, there is obviously more going on here... you’re really off your game on this episode.  

Maybe if you weren’t so distracted by all the eye sexing?

Cindy Reardon is kidnapped by Sally Kendrick a.k.a. Eve 7, and Mulder and Scully are left in the dirt.  Mulder gets to do a bit of sexy running though.  Damn, that boy can run!

Thankfully, through some spiffing police work, they locate the girls again, and it’s like someone has dressed them up in red as a warning - DANGER FOX MULDO, DANGER!  They may as well have a neon sign above their heads blinking out the words “SATAN SPAWN!”

Someone has to take custody of the girls temporarily and, unexpectedly, Mulder volunteers himself and Scully for the job.

Wow, admit it, you just want to play dad.

Seriously, it’s almost like he planned it after watching Scully play Mum, talking about how “we” will take care of you... you’re safe with “us”.

You think I’m reaching?  What is this “reaching” you speak of?  This is a serious analysis series, with serious analysis only.  

This is such a dad thing to say, Mulder.  The translation is:  SHUT UP AND JUST GET IN THE DAMN CAR.

I can just see Mulder and William now...

“Dad, what’s a momomyth?” “Not now, son.  Just put your shoes on.  We’re going to grandma Maggie’s” “But Dad, is it the sum of all human knowledge or first contact with an alien ra--” “WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT IN THE CAR, OKAY?!”

I see you Muldo, checking Scullywag out.  Shouldn’t you keep your eyes on the road?  Look, even the creepy murder baby has noticed your wandering eye.

Hmm, asking a kid if they can hold their pee.  Yeah, Mulder has definitely never had kids before.  Heck, I’ve never had kids before and I know that’s a dumb question.  Kids seem to like waiting until their bladder is about to explode before asking to stop.

SCULLBAG!  YOU TRAITOR.  WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PARENTAL SOLIDARITY - SHOWING A UNITED FRONT?!

Ah the domesticity of the coke saga… the adults watching their waistlines get diet.  The kiddiewinks in need of recharging their murder batteries go for some of that high fructose goodness.

I love the look Scully has on her face in the background, a look that seems to be saying ‘don’t mind our precocious little brats’.

It kind of tickles me that this serving wench believes Mulder and Scully are married with kids.  Don’t worry, the rest of the world will catch up with this statement of fact in 25 years.

Mulder and Scully even do the eye sex communication before they’re about to go do their business.  Pee you on the other side, Scully!

Mulder even tells jokes silently.  It’s all there in the eyes.

Then the more sinister of the two satan spawn, which I think is Teena, comes out to poison Mulder and Scully’s drinks.

YOUR DAD?!

LOOK BACK THE HELL UP KID, DON’T BE FUCKING WITH MY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW I AM VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.

It’s all right for me to joke about it, but when kids in the actual show start calling Mulder “dad”, I am gonna probably hyperventilate to death.

So of course, Mulder goes and acts all fatherly again.  AHHHH THE PAAAIN!

He would have been such a sweet dad, guys… seriously.  FFS CHRIS CARTER.  MOVING ON...

TOUCH MAH HAND MULDERRRR!

It’s hypnotic, actually, watching their hands meet on a perpetual loop - you start to notice weird details, like how her finger slides over his.  

Look at what this show reduces us to.  Slavering weirdos who get excited at the merest brush of a hand.   Just, fuck this show... sometimes, really, it can just fuck off?

Then in a touch of writing genius, they drop the “oops I forgot my keys” trope.  

Mulder runs back into the cafe to find DUN DUN DUN... the poison conveniently left a partial mug ring on the table.  

Which makes no sense either, because if Teena had got it on the cup, wouldn’t Mulder and Scully have seen it already?  It’s bright green after all.  But whatevs... Mulder goes and sticks his fingers in an unknown substances then true to form, puts it straight into his mouth.  

I know, I felt thoroughly ashamed of taking this screen cap of Mulder licking his finger.  But it’s not like I stopped and looked at it for a long time or anything.  *whistles*

Realising the girls have poisoned his and Scully’s drink, Mulder runs back outside to rescue bae.

Again, Mulder has zero chill when it comes to feigning ignorance.  Was the earlier kerfuffle getting Scully out of his motel room in such an obvious way put there just to demonstrate that Mulder has the acting ability of a wacky, flailing, inflatable, tube man?

How chivalrous.

Before we move on, lets rewind back a second...

MULDER’S FLOPPY HAIR FLOOFING IN THE WIND OMG.

FLOOFING!

Okay, okay... so the girls know Mulder is onto them, obviously... I guess Mulder forgot that the Eves have heightened intelligence as well as heightened psychosis.  

Arghhh.. they’re so young!  Mah baby agents!

The girls vanish but Mulder and Scully outsmart the fuck out of these little shits.

Side note... baby!Scully... such a badass.

baby!Mulder... eeeh not so much.

Mulder and Scully go back into the cafe to see if the girls went to hide in there, and Scully ruins my dream - of a single human being existing in the world who thinks Mulder and Scully are married with kids - by flashing her FBI badge at the serving wench.

I know she’s a waitress.  Shhh... If I was a waitress, I’d much prefer to be called serving wench.

Wenchy McWenchface says a school bus just left with a ton a kids, so Mulder and Scully, quite cleverly I might add, trick the girls by splitting up.

Just to show us once again, these two are a pair of smart cookies, and are clearly meant for each other, as work partners as well as being the loves of each others lives.  Yeppers.

So Scully follows the bus in the car, and Mulder stays at the cafe.

Come out, come out, wherever you areeeee....

Mulder bullying children.  It’s a side hobby.

That’s all for Mulder and Scully, but there is an interesting scene at the end with the Eves.  It seems Sally Kendrick was, in fact, Eve 8 not Eve 7 (or maybe they were both her?) as she arrives to rescue the girls.

I wonder if perhaps, after they escape, these three are involved in the super soldier project that spawns the super soldiers we come to know later in season 9?  Who knows... but it would have been a cool little twist if they’d have brought back the Eves in season 9.  

Shame.  

It would have been a brilliant little bit of continuity.  But we know this show is continuity averse at the best of times, so it doesn’t really surprise me that the never took the opportunity to tie that thread.  

Next up... Ooh it’s the one you’ve all been waiting for, I can tell.  1x12 - Fire.

[naanima]

Avengers: Infinity War SPOILERS

I have had a day to digest the movie.

This is Thanos' movie. The Russos and Marvel repeatedly stated this, and they did not lie.

The movie is a monumental achievement, to have so many plates in the air, and to keep them spinning, that’s skill and effort. Just look at Justice League, and then compare it to Avengers: Infinity Stone. Marvel is so ahead of the game it is kind of insane. Now let's hope Captain Marvel will be amazing. Also, reviewers commenting that the movie is bloated. Please leave. The movie is incredibly lean, especially for a movie that’s 2.5 hours, and every second being in the service of the greater story and plot; Thanos story.

Spoilers below: This is really long because so much happens in this movie and I need to order my thoughts about it.

Thanos the Mad Titan was born on a planet called Titan, it was beautiful and technologically advanced. Then over population became a problem, it became extinction level. Thanos raised a solution, kill half the population, randomly chosen without bias. His solution was deemed wrong and unworkable, Thanos let it be. Titan perished. Thanos survived and his conviction is iron and he will never falter: kill half of the universe, randomly selected and he can save all. To do this he needs all six infinity stones. Earth has two.

For a sales pitch it is insane, but holy cow does it make a complete logical and horrifying sense.

Let's get the obvious out of the way; I love Steve, Bucky and Nat, and T'Challa is my favourite and it sucks they didn't get much screen time. HOWEVER, the focus of this movie is Thanos, and Thanos is COSMIC. It made sense that Tony and Strange needed to be involved; the former because he has been obsessed about the alien/cosmic threat for over six years. So much of Tony Stark is wrapped up in the protection of Earth from an alien threat, and to stop the deaths of the Avengers. The latter because he is protector of the time stone, and protector of earth from the supernatural and the cosmic. As for Peter... well he lives in Manhattan and it made sense that he would end up involved especially this Peter.

Dot Points of Love

- ALL THE BEAUTIFUL FIGHTS IN THIS!!!!

- Finally seeing Strange at his peak, the ways he uses his magic to attack and defend himself and the team.

- Tony wanting a baby with Pepper and raising the point in a Tony way.

- Tony Stark and Stephen Strange! I honestly wasn't sure how their interactions would go before the movie. But it is PERFECT. TWO narcissist, in a room together, both leaders in their own field, egos the size of the sun. YET, they are two people who knows exactly the stakes at hand, and is willing to do what is necessary to ensure the survival of the world. (Except the human heart is weak, and both Tony Stark and Stephen Strange can't bear the loss of individuals even if they have to). I just love how there is a level of understanding between the two.

- Thanos and Gamora; so disclaimer here, I never warmed up to Gamora in the previous Guardians movies, I was glad they fleshed her out in GotG2 but it wasn't enough. Holy cow do I feel for her here.

- Thanos loves Gamora as his true daughter. He wanted to see her on the throne. Gamora hates Thanos for the deaths of her planet, and all the death he and she caused throughout the universe. But she also love him, he protected her, he taught her how to fight, how to be generous and how to be most fearsome woman in the universe. Is it fucked up, yes, but you can't deny there is love. So, Thanos chooses the soul stone over Gamora, and it pains him, his mission has taken his daughter from him. The thing that hits hard here is because he chose the 'greater good'. It's really hard to fully hate him because at a cold, logical ruthless level, he isn't wrong. BUT by committing genocide he is also destroying the potential, the possibility of solutions.

- THOR was awesome in the movie. Needing to move in order to not mourn, to not think about his loss. Using humour to let things slide. Just - Holy crap Chris Hemsworth’ acting is amazing. His one upmanship with Peter Quill, when not really, because Thor is a Pirate-Angel.

- Thor and Rocket aka Rabbit: I can watch their adventures together for years!

- Thor knowing Groot language because it was an elective in Asgard. Hahahahahaha.

- Peter Quill trying to PLAN for things but having it fall apart BECAUSE feelings and bad luck. His face off with Thanos, making the choice to kill Gamora only for Thanos to intervene. And Thanos saying he likes him. JUST!!!

- The Guardians! All of them! Teenage Groot with his game console, using his limbs to hold Stormbreaker together. Rocket trying to alleviate Thor’s pain, being awesome. Drax wanting his revenge against Thanos, Mantis trying to help AND taking down Thanos for those few moments! Gamora, Gamora, Gamora, taking the first chance to take down Thanos, and mourning when she thought she had succeeded. Telling Peter to kill her, trying to kill herself when realising Thanos was going to use her in order to get the soul stone. She was kickass in this.

- Gamora and Nebula; Gamora finally being an older sister. Nebula going after Thanos. Just! Yes!

- Finally proper development between Vision and Wanda. Fighting to protect one and another. Making the tough choice of destroying the soul stone even if it meant Vision’s death. Thanos being kind to Wanda. Look, I honestly don't care for Vision and Wanda, but good work on the Russos’ part for developing and selling it.

- Steve, Nat and Sam working like a well oiled machine. They all looking so hot and competent. Steve refusing to sacrifice Vision for the greater good. Vision reminding him he killed himself in WW2 saving millions. Shuri offering them a third choice.

- Bruce and Nat’s hello to each other! So simple and awkward, and not the time to get into it.

- Bruce being Bruce and needing the Hulk to appear, but Hulk being a two year old screaming no. Hulk lost, possibly for the first time ever, and he is possibly scared and sulking. Lols. Love it.

- Okoye, Nat and Wanda being the Ladies of kickass. It was so satisfying.

- Peter Parker’s everything. His final moments clinging to Tony, not wanting to disappear. I nearly broke. Tom Holland is so good.

- Bucky asking where the next fight was coming from, grabbing Rocket by the back and spinning in a 360 circle, the two of them shooting their guns. Bucky’s last word being Steve.

- Rhodey doing the equivalent of hanging up on Ross. Hahahahaha.

- Wakanda being awesome. M’Baku and T’Challa calling each other brothers!!! Shuri being awesome genius!!! Okoye being so badass, but her look of utter loss as T’challa slowly disappeared. OMFG! I CAN'T BELIEVE T’CHALLA DISAPPEARED. WTF! THIS THREW ME SO BADLY!

- The dwarf being GIGANTIC and played by Peter D. HAHAHAHAHA.

- Samuel L. Jackson’s last words as he disappeared, “Motherfu-” LOVED IT! AND THE CAPTAIN MARVEL DISTRESS SIGNAL/CALL!

- Dr Strange last words, “Tony, this was the only way.” Just OMFG!!!! AVENGERS 4!!!!

- Thanos knowing TONY STARK, and telling him that he hopes Earth remembers him!!! Eeeeeee!

- Thanos looking out into the peaceful world, a soft, satisfied smile at finally achieving his goal, saving the universe. Look, I'm happy for ya, but I hope you choke on it in 4.

There’s probably more but I'm kind of sapped out now.

[chefgeofframsay]

Desperate Minds [3/7]

Title: Desperate Minds Pairing: Aaron Marquis/Reader Rating: PG-13 Chapter Word Count: 4,238 Summary: “How do I know you’re not doing…your siren thing?” asked Aaron, giving you a skeptical look.

“Oh come on,” you just about snarled, turning on your heel to face the werewolf fully. “I never use my abilities on anyone. Just because I have the ability doesn’t make me a predator. Or a murderer!” “Historically,” he started, crossing his arms and nodding, “your powers make you both.”

When you trudged back through your door at sunrise, you were surprised to see your roommates were still awake and Jon hadn’t left yet. All three of them were sitting on the couch, looking like they’d had a rough night out, and drinking steaming mugs of something that smelled too acidic to be coffee. Barbara had probably whipped up one of her instant potions to sober themselves up. When you slammed the door behind you, the three of them fell silent and you all stared at each other for a long moment.

“So…” It was Lindsay who broke the silence, “what was all that about?”

You thought you’d calmed down during the long walk home. You’d had over an hour to process what had happened, but the second Lindsay had asked, you could feel that fire on your stomach flare up again. You rubbed at your face, shaking your head and trying to take a deep breath before you answered. It proved to be of no use though. You were pissed.

“So,” you started through gritted teeth, “you know how I was at the beach pretty much all day yesterday because that fucking ass threw me into the ocean?”

“Wait, don’t tell me he dragged you out at four in the morning to cite you for that,” Jon said, narrowing his eyes. “Especially since he took matters into his own hands.”

“Oh. Oh no, not that,” you said in a voice a few octaves higher than your usual one, making Jon raise his eyebrows. “He just accused me of murder instead.”

The uproar was immediate and satisfying. All three started yelling about how ridiculous that was to even think about accusing you of something like that. Anxious expressions melted into angry ones as you threw yourself into one of the arm chairs.

“Oh, get this,” you said, shaking your head. “You know how he said he’d drive me me home after we were done?”

“Please tell me he actually tried to drive you home after grilling you over a murder,” snorted Lindsay, and when you nodded, she blew air out of her mouth, shaking her head. “Fucking unbelievable.”

“Right?”

“How did he actually think you’d even want to be near him after he accuses you of murdering someone?” Barbara asked and you shrugged, rubbing your face with your hand.

“No clue,” you sighed. “He’s always been delusional. He still thinks I actually enjoyed ever working on a group project with him in college. It’s been like six years. He has to be able to look back and realize I wanted to die every time we worked together.”

“And yet,” Jon piped up, “you continued to do it.”

“Because by the time I convinced him to ask someone else, we were all that was left,” you pointed out. “It was always out of necessity and never desire.”

“You know,” Barbara said, looking over at Jon, “you could have taken one for the team and worked with Aaron instead. I’d have done it if I went to school with you guys but you guys got there about 12 years too late for that.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” snorted Jon. “He never did any fucking work.”

“How did you get home anyway?” Lindsay asked.

“I walked,” you explained, “the buses haven’t started for the day yet.”

“Wait,” she said quickly, sitting up, “you’re telling me that you walked six miles in the cold, at five in the morning, just to not deal with Aaron?”

“Yeah,” you said as if it was the most obvious decision you could have made.

“I can’t believe you’d go through a six mile spite walk of shame,” she chuckled.

“It’s [Y/N] and Aaron,” sighed Jon. “She’ll do just about anything to spite him and he’ll do anything to shove his way back into her life.”

“Oh, don’t start with this again,” you groaned.

“Start with what?” asked Lindsay, looking from you to Jon and back.

“Jon was convinced in college that Aaron had a thing for me,” you explained. “Which is bullshit and even if it wasn’t, I feel like accusing me of murder is excessive.”

Luckily, Jon dropped the subject there. The both of you were more than likely too tired to have any argument at that moment, especially one you’d had a million times before. There was a few moments of silence in which you’d let your eyes slip shut. You were starting to doze off when Jon asked the question you’d expected to get a lot earlier.

“Who’d he think you killed, anyway?”

You sighed, forcing your eyes open. “That guy at Castaway’s who dumped his beer on me because he thought it’d do the same thing fresh water does because I wouldn’t go out back and suck his dick,” you informed.

“Well, it’s not a loss,” muttered Jon. You gave a tired chuckle, letting your eyes slip shut again.

“I hope they get around to who actually killed him,” you said. “Mostly so I don’t go to prison.”

“He’ll pull his head out of his ass sooner or later,” Lindsay reassured. “There has to be evidence and shit, right?”

“Definitely,” Barbara agreed. “I wouldn’t worry about it, [Y/N].”

“I’m not worried. I’m tired.”

“Then go back to bed,” suggested Jon. “I should probably head home anyway.” You cracked an eye open to see Jon standing up, patting his pockets to ensure he had everything and stretching out. You all uttered your goodbyes, and with a great deal of effort, you managed to drag yourself out of the arm chair and back upstairs. You were asleep the second you tugged the blanket back over you.

The next week, you tried to live life as normally as you could. You, in spite of yourself, found yourself looking over your shoulder to see if anyone (read: Aaron) was following you. Your roommates had been trying very hard to keep you occupied, even if they were trying to keep it casual. You were thankful for that because while you knew you were innocent, the fact that it was even a question made you uncomfortable the more you thought about it. Luckily, your roommates had your back.

“This place is wild,” you muttered, more to yourself than to your roommates. The second you’d followed them into the apothecary they frequented, you were hit with so many scents that your brain wasn’t sure how to process all of them. It was earthy and floral and slightly fishy all at once, and every jar was an adventure. Some of them were familiar, dried flowers mostly, but a lot of them were more abstract looking. You could lose all day looking at them and asking Barbara, or the shop’s owner, Jack, what they did.

“The whole gang’s here,” Jack pointed out as the three of you walked passed the counter, both of your roommates disappearing immediately, and he smiled a bit wider as he caught sight of you. “[Y/N], to what do we owe the pleasure? You don’t usually find your way in here.”

“We need her opinion on what to do next,” Barbara informed, appearing from an aisle with a bushel of purple flowers in her arms. “What sounds better: getting happy or getting lucky?”

“With any luck, both in one go,” you answered, chuckling. “But if you’re asking me to take another instant joy potion, count me out, Barb. I lost my voice for a month the last time.”

“I promise, this one actually works!” she told you. You turned to face Jack, raising an eyebrow.

“Don’t look at me,” he chuckled. “I stopped messing around with experimental potions about sixty years ago.”

“She’s going to kill me,” you said in a stage whisper, laughing as your roommate stuck her tongue out at you and wandered off down another aisle.

“So,” Jack sighed, “this is the part where I ask you to reconsider.”

“I’m not giving you my hair, Jack,” you said flatly. “You’re a good dude, I like you, and I get that it’s a potion ingredient and all, but it’s just…weird to think someone’s going to use my hair to make a bone grow back or some shit.”

“Actually, siren hair is mostly used for the potions that make it possible to breathe underwater,” he explained. “I sell most of those potions and ingredients to lifeguards from the beach so they can save people. You could be part of that.”

“I could also…not sell my hair,” you countered, nodding knowingly. “Totally valid option.”

“Think about it,” another voice said from behind you. You turned to see Jack’s sole employee, Jeremy (who you were nearly sure was a gnome judging by his particularly thorough tinkering, but you’d never actually asked) was walking through with bags of something foul-smelling in his hands. Jack, for the most part, tended to the store, offering advice to other magic-wielding types, and Jeremy did the dirty work of ingredient collection.

“Hair is a regenerating thing, right?” Jeremy asked. “And it’s not like we have as many sirens around as you’d think. It’s a rare stock kind of item, meaning you get paid well, and it grows back, so you can just keep selling it. It’s a cash cow.”

“It’s also weird!” you exclaimed, giving him a look. “I don’t want people using bits of me for any particular reason, thanks.”

“Suit yourself,” said Jeremy in a sing-song voice as he started heading for the store room, “but you’re missing a great opportunity here.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you sighed, leaning against the counter and looking back at Jack. “What do you guys do about your werewolf bits and bobs? Do you ask our beloved sheriff for them?”

“God no,” Jack chuckled. “Aaron wouldn’t even stop to listen to the question. Besides, we can’t collect anything from his human form and no one’s actually sure how cognizant he is as a wolf. It’d be illegal to just take it then and the last thing I need is for him to haul me in.” Jack paused, raising an eyebrow. “Speaking of our sheriff, I hear you could be in the market for a lawyer and they can get pretty pricey. Remember our offer about the hair. I’ll even pay the usual rate and a half.”

“What are you talking about?” you asked, smile sliding off your face.

“The body they found down on the beach,” he explained. “Scuttlebutt is that Aaron brought you in for questioning and that you’re still a person of interest.”

“Scuttlebutt,” you repeated shortly, giving him a disinterested look as you tried to calm yourself. Your heart was pounding a thousand times a second, it seemed, and you could feel that pit of anger beginning to bubble in your stomach. It wasn’t bad enough that Aaron was bugging you and wasting your time, but now other people knew too.

“A guy another guy knows saw you storm out of the precinct,” Jack explained. “Just wondering if there was any truth to the rumor.”

“Truth to the rumor Aaron’s been harassing me?” you asked, sighing heavily. “After following me to the beach only to throw me in the water so I lost my entire day, he wakes me up and hauls me in to ask if I saw anything since he figured I was there all day.” That wasn’t the whole truth, but no one really needed, or deserved, to know about being accused of committing the murder.

“Well…” he trailed off, clearly choosing his next words carefully. “Do you think you could have had anything to do with it? Maybe…singing?”

“I didn’t lure anyone to their death, Jack,” you said flatly. “Did you have anything to do with that guy who got poisoned year before last?”

“Of course not!”

“Then it seems we’re both capable of things we don’t actually do,” you pointed out, finality in your tone.

“Fair enough.”

Blissfully, Lindsay and Barbara reappeared, arms ladened with supplies of all sorts. Lindsay’s specialty seemed to be more with charm work than with potions, but she always seemed to bring stuff home that she mentioned needed. Today seemed to be some sort of strange branch, some snake skin, and a smooth, dark green stone.

“What are you trying to summon?” asked Jack as he rang up Lindsay, separating her stuff out to package them.

“I…am not sure yet,” Lindsay sighed. “I just have a feeling I’m going to need it soon.”

“Premonition,” he mentioned. “Useful.”

“Hardly,” your roommates chuckled, “I just know if I don’t have it, I’ll want it.” She handed him the cash she owned him, taking the bag from the counter.

“As for you…” Jack trailed off as Barbara stepped up, dropping all sorts of flowers. “I don’t want to know what you’re doing. Internet potions aren’t always the best, you know.”

“I know,” she sighed. “And half the time, it’s a novel about their grandmother before the recipe and it’s fucking obnoxious.”

“Maybe just stick to the tried and true,” he mentioned, “safer.”

“And less fun,” she countered, chuckling as she pulled out her wallet.

“Tell that to [Y/N], who didn’t have a voice for a month,” Jack laughed, nodding towards you. You smiled, waving at Barbara and laughing.

“But did she die?” Barbara asked, taking her bag from Jack. “No, she did not!”

“Not for lack of trying,” you chuckled. “But yeah, I lived.”

The three of you probably would have stayed there for a while to talk with Jack and Jeremy, but considering the panic the woman covered in purple spots showed up in, you figured it’d probably be safer to clear out. The three of you piled out onto the sidewalk, looking around at each other.

“We could go grab an early dinner?” You suggested. “I think I’m going to head to Castaway’s tonight and I should probably get some food in me.”

“We’re going out tonight?” asked Barbara, perking up a little.

“If you guys want to come, that’d be cool,” you chuckled. “But I’m not going to hide in our house or let anything chase me out of the places I usually go, you know?”

“No, that’s good,” Lindsay told you, patting your shoulder. “I don’t think I’m hungover enough for this weekend so I’m in.”

“And of course, I’m coming with you,” Barbara added, smiling. “And I’ll text Jon to see if he’s in too.”

“It’s Jon,” you snorted, leading the way towards the dinner spot you had in mind. “Of course, he’ll want to come.”

As you figured, Jon was in to go to Castaway’s; he’d texted you back almost instantly. He’d even decided to meet you guys at the restaurant and join you for dinner. Dinner was the most distracting thing that’d happened in the last week. Between the delicious food, the weird conversation Lindsay led you all into, and even the walk back pushed the whole thing from your mind.

In fact, you didn’t even think about it until you entered Castaway’s Shack and saw, sitting at the bar, Aaron Marquis. He had his back turned to the door but you knew, without a doubt, who the broad shoulders in the dress shirt belonged to. It was also a dead giveaway that he was even wearing a dress shirt in Castaway’s, arguably the most casual place in the world.

It was just plain bad luck that the only place you could get to the bar to order a round for you and your friends was next to him. You took a deep breath, noticing that your friends were already gone off in search of a table. You were going in alone. That’d end well. You sighed before walking to the open spot at the bar, trying your hardest to not even acknowledge Aaron but given the distance, it was impossible for him not to notice you.

“Look at you,” said Aaron in an amused voice, and before you could remind yourself that you were ignoring him, you’d turned to see that stupid smirk on his face again. “Putting in effort suits you.”

“Excuse me?” you asked, narrowing your eyes at him. He chuckled a little, raising his beer to his lips and taking his time to drink before he answered. In the meantime, you’d gotten the bartender’s attention and gave him your order.

“I mean, you’ve got the…siren thing going on, so it’s not like you could be ugly if you wanted to,” he told you, “you could wear a garbage bag and look better than most women I’ve seen, sweetheart.”

Your anger flared in your stomach. He couldn’t even go two seconds without a backhand compliment. You were starting to think being nice would actually kill him. He looked at you, still with that same look on his face, and you wanted to hit him more than normal.

“Is there something I can help you with, Marquis?” you asked through gritted teeth. He shook his head.

“I’m allowed to drink here as much as anyone else,” he pointed out nonchalantly.

“Yeah but why are you bugging me?”

“Just making conversation, sweetheart.”

“Why do you keep calling me that?” you asked. He chuckled, giving you a one armed shrugged.

“You said to stop calling you doll face so…” he trailed off.

“Don’t call me anything,” you shot back. “Literally, just don’t acknowledge me ever again.”

“You’re being particularly feisty today,” he chuckled, “why is that?”

“Did you forget the part where you accused me of murder, Sheriff?” you asked, glaring at him. You watched with some satisfaction as the smirk slid off his face and just for a moment, he looked uncomfortable before going for more beer.

“No,” he said finally. “But I didn’t accuse you. I asked if it was possible.”

“Yeah?” you snorted. “And what’s the verdict on that one?”

He paused before answering, “it’s possible, [Y/N].”

“No,” you snapped. “It’s not.”

Blissfully, the bartender reappeared with your drinks then. You thanked him gruffly, grabbing all four drinks with some difficulty but your desperation to get away from him meant you’d given up and grabbed them by the rims pretty quickly. You left without another word to Aaron, who you were pleased to see was looking upset and ordering another beer when you walked away. It took a few minutes to find your friends, who’d ended up in a booth in the back corner of the bar. You dropped the drinks on the table for them to sort through while you flexed your fingers.

“So, what was he on about this time?” asked Jon, nodding towards the bar.

“He was just being an asshole like he always is,” you explained, grabbing your drink and taking a long swig of it. “Can we please not talk about him? I’d rather not let him ruin my night.”

“Fair enough,” Jon sighed, tipping his drink towards you before bringing it to his lips.

It took two drinks for Barbara to convince you that you wanted to dance. You laughed as she took you by the hand and led you out to where everyone else was dancing. The two of you mixed into the crowd, falling into the rhythm quickly. You couldn’t help but laugh as you danced; you always felt ridiculous but at the moment, you couldn’t care less. It wasn’t long before there was a cute guy catching your eye, and you glanced over at Barbara, who smiled and gave you a thumbs up. He took you glancing his way again as an invitation to dance, which you were more than okay with. The song changed not long after, but the two of you took it in stride, his arm wrapping around your middle to pull you closer. You were enjoying yourself, letting your eyes slip shut as you got caught up in the music and the pace your dance partner was setting. After a while, you opened your eyes to see Barbara and you had to look around (accidentally catching the eye of an unhappy looking Aaron in the process) to see that she’d gone back to the booth with Jon, but no Lindsay.

“Do you want a drink?” the guy you were dancing with asked in your ear. You nodded in response, turning around to look at him and smile. He smiled back, leading you off the dance floor. Once closer to the bar, you spotted your other roommate, drinks in hand. You motioned that you were going to talk to her and the cute guy nodded, pointing over towards the bar.

“He is cute,” Lindsay mentioned as you reached her. “Where did you find him?”

“In the pile of sweaty bodies,” you told her, laughing. “And I didn’t even have to say a word.” You turned back towards him to see he’d slid up to the bar next to Aaron (everyone seemed to be giving him space; no one seemed wanted to be near the sheriff and you couldn’t blame them) and when he got close, his smile faltered.

“Oh no,” you mumbled, taking a few steps away from your roommate and towards the cute guy. Lindsay followed after you, clearly curious about the same thing you were.

“Hey man,” you heard the guy say to Aaron. “I’m sorry. I didn’t…know. There were a lot of people and I wasn’t sure where it was coming from.”

Aaron didn’t say anything, just stared at him while he continued to drink his beer. The guy looked from Aaron to you, taking a couple steps back from the bar. He stammered for a minute before disappearing in the direction of the door. You looked from where he’d vanished to Lindsay, who looked equally as confused.

There was that anger again and before you could stop yourself, you were shouting in Aaron’s direction: “what the fuck did you do?” It made Aaron turn around, eyebrows raised and wearing a look of complete innocence.

“I didn’t do anything, sweetheart,” he said in way too light a tone to have actually done nothing.

“So, the apology and the fact he just sprinted out of here was coincidental?” you asked skeptically.

“I guess so,” Aaron said. “If you’re upset on losing out on a drink, I can buy you one?” he offered, chuckling. You rolled your eyes, looking from him to Lindsay.

“I think I’m just going to go home,” you told her. “I don’t really want to be here so much anymore.”

“We can go somewhere else if you want?” she offered, but you shook your head.

“Nah, my mood’s kind of ruined,” you sighed. “You guys have fun.”

“How about this,” she suggested. “We’ll finish these,” she held up the drinks, “and then we’ll hang out at home? Game night or some shit?” The look on her face made it impossible to say no.

“Fine,” you sighed. “But I’m gonna bail now. Don’t chug those or I’ll thrash all of you in whatever we play.” She laughed, taking a couple steps back towards the booth.

“We’ll see about that!” Lindsay laughed before disappearing. You turned around to see Aaron was standing up and you couldn’t help but narrow your eyes at him.

“Come on, then,” he said, nodding towards the door.

“What the fuck are you on about?” you asked, exasperation in your voice.

“I’m not letting you walk home by yourself,” he explained, grabbing his beer and draining it. “Do you know what happens in this city?”

“No,” you said shortly. “For the love of god, don’t do me any fucking favors.” Before he could open his mouth again, you turned on your heel and walked straight out of Castaway’s as quickly as you could. You’d gotten down a block before you slowed down, glancing behind you to see if he’d decided to follow you anyway. Luckily, you were Aaron free. It still took the entire way home for you to calm down.

As soon as you closed your front door behind you, you decided that you weren’t done drinking for the night. If anything was going to calm you down, it was more alcohol. You made a beeline for the cabinet the house alcohol was kept in, pulling out the bottle of vodka in the front. You, at least, mixed it with something you found in the fridge before drinking a good third of the glass. You’d sat down on the couch, eyes sliding shut, when the front door opened and in came your roommates and Jon.

“I don’t know what happened,” Jon said as soon as he entered, “but Aaron downed two more beers between when you left and when we did.”

“I couldn’t care less if you paid me,” you informed sardonically, taking another swig from the cup in your hand. “So, are we actually playing games or what?”

“I don’t see why not,” Lindsay said, going for the liquor cabinet. “I’ll make drinks.”

“Vodka’s already in the kitchen!” you informed, holding your cup up. You sighed heavily, looking to your other friends. “I don’t know what I was supposed to do.”

“You’re not supposed to do anything,” Barbara told you, shrugging. “It isn’t on you.”

“It’s bullshit I can’t go anywhere without him ruining my fun,” you grumbled, taking another sip of your drink. Jon and Barbara gave each other a look when they thought you couldn’t see them. Clearly, like you, they were getting annoyed with Aaron Marquis.

“You can be here,” Jon pointed out, pulling controllers out from a basket under the tv. “You said something about thrashing us? I want to see that shit.” You laughed, holding out the hand not holding a cup.

“You’re fucking on.”

[laurenwhitenorway]

“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing”

Wednesday, September 26, 2018   |   Oppdal 

Traditional Norwegian Lifestyle Museum - Dairy and Summer Farms - Viking Graveyard - Hovdin Hike

Cultural Geography

We began our morning just up the street at an outdoor museum showcasing the traditional homes, crafts, and lifestyle of Norwegians. For Norwegians, caring for the environment is a cultural norm. Most of the homes were built using wood materials and since tools weren’t in abundant supply, the homes were built to last. Many that we saw were hundreds of years old. Cedar was a common wood to build roofs because it traps in heat and repels water. Cedar also allows for the adorable green roofs we saw on almost every traditional building. Green roofs reduce environmental costs and provide a habitat for plants and small animals. When discussing Norwegian living, we were told about a commonly used word “janteloven”. What this essentially means is that no one individual is more important than society and boasting about one’s accomplishments is frowned upon. I found this particularly interesting because it instills a sense of respect and equality among Norwegians which is considered a social norm. I find this so riveting, especially coming from a capitalist society where greed and competition can easily influence one to act against their fellow human. I think this is especially important given our changing society. We are beginning to see a shared economy of goods and services like never before. People my age have different ideologies about home and car ownership, and the distribution of good and services. Maybe millennials are creating a janteloven of their own. 

Traditional Norwegian buildings and lifestyle museum

Our accommodations in Oppdal consisted of cozy cabins with naturalized green roofs, one of which had a full tree growing on top

Our next stop was the Viking Cemetery. We had a shorter amount of time here, but one could seriously have gotten lost in this forest. It had hills, trees, and rocks everywhere covered in all sorts of vegetation. I took the opportunity to go off by myself and explore the area. I barely saw any of my peers along the way, but it felt nice to explore the environment on my own for a change. This is the last of the Viking Cemeteries in Oppdal. There used to be two others, but they were removed for farm land and other developments. In this last cemetery there are approximately 750 burial mounds, which I learned vary in size depending on your rank or status as a Viking.

The last viking cemetery in Oppdal 

Agriculture

We visited two farms today, a dairy farm, and a traditional summer farm. When speaking to the two dairy farmers, someone asked if their farm was considered organic. Confused, they both looked at Tor who went on to explain what organic means in Canada. They looked at one another, slightly puzzled and replied, of course it’s organic, we use Norwegian grass for cow feed and fertilize the farm land with their manure. What a simple response! A totally renewable and sustainable farm that knows no other method. As we walked through the farm I noticed a stark difference in the sanitation and smell of other farms I had visited. First of all, we were able to walk alongside the cows without soaking our feet in manure and we were able to pet them. In fact, many of them kept nibbling on my jacket and were trying to suck on my hands. Second, the smell of manure was not as horrendous as in Canada. It had a much milder scent and was extremely earthy. They actually had a machine that would scrape the excess manure under the floorboards where it would be collected for fertilizer. The milking system they had was very modernized. The pregnant cows were ushered into a gated area where a “robot” attached to their utters. They were milked three times a day except for when they had just given birth. They are given two months off before its back to the milking station. The system also tracks which cows had and hadn’t been milked each day. To lure them in, a special feed that is desired by the cows is put into the pumping station which they eat during. You could literally see the utters getting smaller as the pumping went on. When speaking to the farmers, I asked about their emotional connection to the animal and if they had continued to eat meat. They said eating meat was necessary in Norway given the food limitations but that they loved their cows very much. On average, the cows will stay at the dairy farm for 6 years before they are sent off for meat processing. 

A sustainable dairy farm

The summer farm was just down the road from the dairy farm, but way up in the mountains. At the top, the farmer spoke about his experience with both being a dairy farmer and a cattle farmer. He is currently a cattle farmer and lets the cows roam free during the summer months on top of the mountain. From what I remember, he said he switched from dairy farming to cattle farming since the costs are significantly less. Seeing the modernized system the dairy farmers had I could believe it. He then went on to say that he wishes he stayed in dairy farming after raising cattle for a while. I guess in the long term dairy farming is more viable, less strenuous, and less emotionally distressing, for some at least. 

A traditional summer farm located in the mountains

Environment

Overall, this day was my favorite. We had explored so many different parts of Norway already and had seen such beautiful sights. After the Viking Graveyard, Tor mentioned an extra hike if anyone was up for it. It was on and off raining and the temperature was sitting around 5°C , but six of us decided to go. As we started to walk up, one member dropped out and decided to turn back. The five of us continued on joking about a murder mystery that could potentially happen. Our hike was up a mountain called Hovdin, which is also a skill hill during the winter months. The terrain was much easier since it was paved, but as we got closer to the top the weather started to drastically change. Every few minutes the snow would start and the trees would slowly disappear. It was truly incredible to walk alongside green vegetation one minute and to explore patches of snow the next. As we continued, we lost all sight of greenery and were eventually surrounded by snow. We reached a small cabin and continued slightly up the hill where we came across a water reservoir. That was a major highlight for me. Just when you thought you couldn’t experience any more surprises, there it was, a body of water on top of a mountain surrounded by snowfall. We decided to turn around at that point, it had been about an hour to get up and it was beginning to get dark. 

This activity was probably my favourite of the trip. It was somewhat spontaneous, and being outdoors in the various weather conditions made me feel so alive. I also loved connecting with my fellow “reindeer”. Having shared such a unique experience feels really special to me.

As we climbed north, the weather increasingly got colder and the vegetation changed. We hit a water reservoir and decided to turn back, nighttime was approaching and some of us couldn’t feel our fingers

[gulescamisade]

Mega Texas:  Day 1

[ Dirk, Nepeta, Sollux, Tavros, Equius, Aradia, Signless, Summoner, Tyrena and Disciple all find themselves blipping suddenly onto the hot, scorching ground. Snapping back to reality and here comes gravity. They find themselves closely scattered in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The cars are here, aren’t they always, only some of these are broken into, which is another common thing. Beside them there is a judgemental moo from cows watching as these weirdos appeared from nowhere and decided to take a nap on the asphalt. Their hair still static-y from the trip, touching one of the abandoned carts seems like a bad idea man. Real bad. ]

DIRK: -DOOF. he lands on his ass.- ... What the fuck?

DIRK: -looks around. wal-mart... fucked up cars...-

DIRK: -a weird looking horse?-

DIRK: -could he be in the fabled land of his birth?-

NEPETA: =TAIL FRIZZES AND HISSES=

EQUIUS: -How dare you. He is in perfect condition. This Wal-Mart, however, is not. Equius stands with a groan.-

NEPETA: =THE CLAWS ARE OUT=

DIRK: -nah, that's a ridiculous conclusion to jump to...-

TYRENA: -drags herself up from the floor-

DIRK: -gets up, surveying the group and takes a head count.- Everyone okay?

TYRENA: -a little bit of a hISS as she does-

TYRENA: 0NLY SUPERF1C1ALLY >:)

TYRENA: -STALKS AND HOBBLES a few steps, bare feet on the hot ground.- TYRENA: BLEH

SIGNLESS: -Ahh, nothing like suddenly APPEARING SOMEWHERE ELSE. First thing to register when his feet hit the ground is that its very hot, but heat he can handle, what he cant handle is trying to guess what just happened.-

SIGNLESS: Would someone.... kindly fill me in on what has just happened. -Squints as he looks around at all the cars and cows.-

EQUIUS: -He's sweating abhorrently, and the heat is making him a little...sluggish-

TYRENA: 1 PR0M1SE NO K1NDNESS

TYRENA: 1T WAS A TRAP

SOLLUX: -just laying face down on the ground.-

ARADIA: -she had a soft landing...but sollux...he needed to fall flat on his face. it was important. so she just waits for him to get up.-

NEPETA: =Scampers around anxiously, scampers over Sollux. Sits on him and kneads=

NEPETA: =With claws=

NEPETA: =Hello=

SOLLUX: 0w.

SOLLUX: guess i'm still alive. c00l.

SOLLUX: -muffled into pavement-

DIRK: ... -hoists him-

DIRK: We're missing most of the crew.

DIRK: -pats himself down... his comm device is still on him. hmm.-

NEPETA: =Doofs off Sollux as he's lift and scampers again before climbing Equius=

SOLLUX: -is hoist- l00ks like nepeta is 0kay.

TYRENA: YES

TYRENA: THEY ARE M1SS1NG YOU, EQUALLY, 1'M SURE

SOLLUX: every0ne stand still and wait f0r me t0 st0p tasting c0ncrete s0 i can figure 0ut wh0's here.

DIRK: I'm gonna try to get ahold of everyone else. Hold up.

ARADIA: im here

SOLLUX: 0h hey AA.

EQUIUS: D --> Are you...okay, Nepeta? Aradia as well. Everyone else

NEPETA: :33 <sure this is grrrrrrrrreat blargh but im fine just furreaked out :'((

ARADIA: hi sollux

ARADIA: hi equius

ARADIA: theres nothing to be freaked out about :D

NEPETA: :33 < this is dumb >:'((

EQUIUS: D --> Stop being weirder than usual, Aradia. I concur with Nepeta

ARADIA: youre weirder than usual

ARADIA: oh wait

ARADIA: thats all the time

EQUIUS: D --> Now is not the time to wa% pitchy. Something severe has happened

ARADIA: its moderate

DIRK: -gets this random urge to kick hal's ass-

TYRENA: 1 APPRECIATE Y0UR UTTER 1ND1FFERENCE AND F1ND 1T REFRESH1NG

TYRENA: H0WEVER, 1T D0ES REVEAL A F0REKN0WLEDGE 0F TH1NGS

TYRENA: SP1LL, P1X1E, 1 KN0W H0W TH1S GAME W0RKS

TYRENA: 1'VE BEEN AT 1T F0R M0ST 0F MY L1FE

DIRK: -blurts out, holding up his comm- Hey. We're in Texas.

TYRENA: 0H

TYRENA: WHAT'S A TEXAS

ARADIA: -she smiles at tyrena- ive been through every way this could possibly go

ARADIA: i know what we have to do to get to our best end result

ARADIA: but in every circumstance that i choose to tell you what to do next

ARADIA: it all ends horrifically

TYRENA: HA

TYRENA: 1F Y0U 1NS1ST

TYRENA: 1 AM N0 HYP0CR1TE, AT LEAST

SOLLUX: welc0me t0 hell.

ARADIA: welcome to hell

SOLLUX: yeah.

DIRK: -looks a little distressed-

DIRK: ... Alright, everybody.

DIRK: I've gathered that the crew's been split up into groups, presumably all around the US. We're going to try to meet up in Minnesota.

DIRK: The kids are still on the ship, but Porrim is looking after them. Think she's got the bots helping her too.

TYRENA: HM

TYRENA: 1 SUPP0SE 1T 1S A PLAN, 1F N0TH1NG ELSE

DIRK: Sollux, come with me. We're gonna try to hot wire some of these cars. -drags him, but also because he wants to talk to him-

ARADIA: -smiles as they go-

SOLLUX: hhff. -is DRAG.- h0w fucking 0ld is this techn0l0gy even g0ing t0 be, this is g0nna suck.

DIRK: We weren't transported back in time, asshole. I'm sure it's fine. -he assumes-

DIRK: ... -quiet for a second after he jimmies a door open- I don't know where Jake and Roxy are.

SOLLUX: -no human technology suuuuucks. whine whine. but also quiets himself after that.- SOLLUX: ... 0kay. uhh.

SOLLUX: fuck.

DIRK: I'm trying not to freak out. Not while I still gotta give everyone direction. -leeeans into the driver's seat and starts fucking around with the car.-

NEPETA: :33 < its purrretty hard to not freak out :((

NEPETA: =crawls in the car and starts to scratch the seat immediately= :33 < where can we even go in texass?

TYRENA: AWAY FR0M TEXAS

DIRK: -SUDDENLY A CAT- ... Yeah, that's the plan, actually.

DIRK: Probably best we lay low too. As much as I'd love to sight see.

SOLLUX: jegus nepeta.

NEPETA: :33 < i can help scout...... =mnng, jumps out and starts to prowl around........= and also get dinner =STARES at cows=

NEPETA: =MEAT=

DIRK: Don't you dare kill that horse.

NEPETA: =tilts head and snorts=

NEPETA: :33 < thats a silly looking horse!!

EQUIUS: D --> It's an udderbeast. A, oh fizzlewinks, what do humans call it again? Oh yes, a cow -And Nepeta better leave it alone-

DIRK: He's just a lil chunky.

ARADIA: -joins the rest of them-

NEPETA: :33 < a chunky hunk of FOOD

EQUIUS: D --> Cease

NEPETA: :33 < im trying to feed the pack :30

SOLLUX: can s0me0ne take a chunky hunk 0f shut the fuck up while i'm trying to blindly help h0twire this scuttlebuggy?

SOLLUX: in case y0u f0rg0t the tech guy was blind.

NEPETA: =leans next to Sollux=

NEPETA: :33 < (is the shut fuck tender and juicy.... like steak?) =mrps softly= i pawlieve in you!

SOLLUX: ggghhhhh.

ARADIA: im assuming youre pretty talented with your scents to know whawt youre doing by now

EQUIUS: -Plucks Nepeta up. Let him work-

SOLLUX: -mocking her- i'm assuming y0u're pretty talented with y0ur dick by n0w t0 blah blah blah my ass.

SOLLUX: -sparks fly as he touches two wires together- 0W FUCK.

ARADIA: i mean yes

ARADIA: i was waiting for that

SOLLUX: Y0U WERE WAITING F0R MY ASS?

ARADIA: for you to get shocked

ARADIA: after saying that

SOLLUX: AA can y0u st0p being super fucking creepy f0r tw0 sec0nds and try being slightly m0re s0cially acceptable? like ask if i'm 0kay 0r s0mething???

ARADIA: are you ok

ARADIA: you are

ARADIA: i can answer that

DIRK: -he's just watching this happen tbh-

SOLLUX: i'm-- g0d damn it.

SOLLUX: -throws hands up-

ARADIA: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SOLLUX: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ARADIA: :D

DIRK: -and with that, he manages to get it to start running- Nice.

DIRK: This wouldn't be possible without the sacrifices you made, babe. I'm so proud of you.

TYRENA: -climbs onto the roof of the car.-

SOLLUX: y0u're WELC0ME, every0ne!

SOLLUX: what the fuck is that.

ARADIA: tyrena

SOLLUX: figures.

DIRK: Important question... Who all knows how to drive a car?

NEPEPTA: :33 < i do!

DIRK: Cool. We're gonna need a few people cuz we ain't all fittin' in one.

DIRK: -moves onto another car to get that one running.-

TYRENA: 1 CAN DR1VE

SOLLUX: Y0U'RE BLIND.

SOLLUX: HA HA.

TYRENA: YES, Y0U ARE

SOLLUX: yeah.

SOLLUX: -SIGHS.-

SOLLUX: -he's more agitated because he misses Terezi already.-

EQUIUS: D --> I can navigate one of these rudimentary vehicles well enough

SOLLUX: kn0wing y0u, y0u'll break the wheel 0r kick a h0le in the fl00rb0ard bef0re y0u get this thing past the ugly h0rse.

DIRK: -keeps an eye on those two... no strangling this time.-

EQUIUS: D --> I could just as easily put a hole in you -This heat is doing wonders for his anger-

NEPETA: =puts her foot on Equius' cheek=

DIRK: Don't make me come over there.

ARADIA: -pats equius's arm- but you wont

SOLLUX: i dunn0 aa i think we have time t0 find 0ut.

DIRK: For fuck's sake, my dude.

SOLLUX: let's just be real ab0ut 0ur handicaps here. i'm blind and he's freakishly hulking.

EQUIUS: -There's a neck vein or three bulging-

ARADIA: hes big

NEPETA: =Puts her foot on the neck veins, mrps=

NEPETA: :33 < if i cant eat the weird horse ill eat mew both fur survival!

SOLLUX: at least i'll be put t0 g00d use.

NEPETA: :33 < purr bones would make a nice broth

ARADIA: -whacks sollux's arm-

EQUIUS: D --> As what? A post dinner tooth picking tool

NEPETA: :33 < no equihiss purr the picking tool fur my teeth! >:00

EQUIUS: D --> You've already e%pended your use, Captor

NEPETA: :33 < BLARRRRRGGHH =ascends the horse and gets on his shoulders, hand over the mouth= shush

DIRK: -okay, he's coming back over.-

SOLLUX: 0W.

SOLLUX: what was that f0r???

[In the not so far distance, a shitty jpeg skateboard gently floats to the ground]

ARADIA: you hit your daily verbal self deprecation limit a long time ago

DIRK: Are we really doing this right now? Because I'm not in the fucking mood to br-- .....................

DIRK: -stares at the skateboard-

SOLLUX: excuse me?? that d0esn't exist.

SOLLUX: .... br.

ARADIA: -just smiles at the skateboard. HAHAHA it's kind of funny this time around-

DIRK: ... -picks up the skateboard-

SOLLUX: br???

SOLLUX: dirk???

DIRK: Bruh.

SOLLUX: 0h 0kay.

[It's just...So shitty. It's UNREAL, how poor the quality of this thing is. It feels like it's going to break apart in his hands. There's no way anyone actually ever rode this thing]

DIRK: ... -captchalogues this-

DIRK: Anyway, I got the other car running so let's split up.

SOLLUX: sure thing gang.

DIRK: Watch me swooce right in. -pushes sollux into the passenger's seat so he can get into the driver's seat.-

SOLLUX: hrrf. -scrunches up his little stick noodle body-

EQUIUS: -Grumbles off to the other with Nep-

NEPETA: =Pats his sweaty face, softly shushing=

DIRK: -BYE BITCH. just kidding. he likes equius but he can't abide anybody flexing threateningly at his husband. sorry bro.-

ARADIA: -she'll stay in here. for reasons. BYE EQUIUS KISS KISS LOVE YA BYE BYE-

EQUIUS: -He'll break everything-

DIRK: -leads the way further north with his gps guiding them. it's gonna be a long night.-