#but jeff will sleep just fine tonight

[jadeylovesmarvelxo]

Just something very sweet and fluffy also featuring a grumpy Eddie 🤭🥰

Requests are open 💌

❤️

Eddie had been in a bad mood from the moment he woke up. Not even the lure of a Hellfire Club session could lift his spirits.

Exactly what had made him so moody was something he couldn't pinpoint. Maybe it was to do with the dickhead who blasted pop music most of the night and interrupted his sleep a few times.

Whatever it was, he was acting like a bear with a sore head and he couldn't even see you today to take away some of his grumpiness, seeing you always brightened up his day.

You wouldn't be at school at all today, something with your aunt came up and you possibly had to go out of town for the next couple of days.

At least he could channel some of his mood into the Hellfire session tonight, maybe unleash the group of orcs on the party, a story that he had been planning for a few days.

He gets up and dressed and heads to school, his van is being a pain in the ass and his head is thumping by the time he gets there.

Things weren't any better by lunchtime and he ate his pretzels and even had a bottle of Yoo Hoo (which kinda helped but just a little bit) but it couldn't help him with the fact that he had Mrs O'Donnell's class after lunch, he's pretty sure that the old dragon has it in for him.

He was pouty and very pissed off.

"Dude, wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?" Grant asks which causes Gareth to snicker beside him, one sharp look from Eddie quietens him.

"It's because you know who isn't here today, remember she has some family thing to attend" Jeff shrugs.

"Yeah, thanks, dude. Like I need reminding that I won't see my girl today and I'm fine. Just a long night and a neighbour who's obsessed with playing endlessly shitty pop music" he shudders at the memory and the dude singing. Ugh.

"Aww thought you'd be up and dancing to Madonna" Dustin teases and Eddie flicks a pretzel at him, he's more amused than annoyed though, even if he's offended by the very thought.

Then the little shit is smiling at something over Eddie's shoulder and Eddie's heart skips a beat, delight flooding through him.

"Princess!" he beams and wastes no time rushing over to you and dramatically clutching his chest. Not caring one bit about the sneers from Jason and his idiot squad, he doesn't care about his don't fuck with me facade around you, you're the only person that reduces him to mush.

"I've missed thy maiden far too much and almost succumbed to a painful case of grumpiness" you snort and cuddle into him.

"I missed you too Ed's" you wrap your arms around him and feel the tension in his body ease.

"What happened to that family thing you had?" He asks curious and you shrug.

"Yeah turns out my aunt left her douchebag husband last night so she's staying with a friend instead of us for a little bit. She's okay which is the main thing" You cuddle back into his arms needing this hug as much as he does.

"At least the grumpy asshole might cheer up now" Jeff comments but swiftly shuts up when Eddie flips him the bird. At least with his princess here the day is looking infinitely brighter.

❤️

[munsonsprincess11111]

Sleepover.

Eddie munson x reader:

Summary: Eddie's friends decide to all have a sleepover at the trailer. Eddie completely forgets and invites you over.

Eddie's on top of you head on your chest arms around your waist. You've got your legs spread for him to lay in between one hand stroking his back. The other stroking his head. "This is nice." HE mumbles closing his eyes relaxing into your touch.

Your eyes slowly begin to shut when there's loud banging on the door. Eddie jumps out of his skin sitting up. Eddie and you both look at eachother with wide eyes. "If that's the cops m jumping out the window." Eddie says standing up pulling his shirt down getting his shoes on.

"I'll get the door." You mumble walking over to the door. Peeking through the peep hole. "Babe it's only the boys." You shout laughing.

"Ah fuck." Eddie shouts in the distance running down the hallway. "Fuck I forgot they wanted to stay here tonight." HE says biting his lip looking at you. You step out the way and let Eddie open thr door. He let's the group of boys in and says hello to them all. Then Gareth sees you. "OH hey y/n why are you here..." HE askes confused.

Eddie groans "OK I'm sorry I forgot. I completely forgot you guys wanted to stay and invited y/n over for the night. And then you was knocking on the door so I don't know what you want me to do." HE says looking like a child crossing his arms over his chest.

The group of boys groan. Sudden wash of anxiety running over you. "I can just go." You say trying to fix Eddie's mess up.

All the boys says yes and nod. Except Eddie he looks at you annoyed. "NO. Nope. Your not going OK." HE says ignoring the boys.

"Eddie its fine OK." You says smiling walking to Eddie's room to get your bag. He followed after you. "I'll see ya on Monday." You say kissing his cheek. Before he can protest you've walked out the door.

The boys all whooping and cheering Gareth putting beer on the table n the boys taking one. "Common man don't be a downer." Gareth says handing Eddie a beer.

-2 hours later-

" we should all call our girlfriends." Jeff suggests. Eddie's eyes shoot up at him frowning. The boys agree. Going to the phone. First Gareth calls his girlfriend saying he loves her ans stuff. Then Jeff telling his girlfriend he can't wait for there date on Sunday. And then they get Eddie to call you.

You answer within 2 rings. "Hello" you answer.

"Hey babe it's me." HE says glancing at the boys. "What's up Eddie?" You ask sounding slightly disappointed.

"Nothing much just making sure your OK." HE answers biting his lip. "Yeah I'm OK are you?"

Eddie looks at the guys who are silently laughing. "Yeah I'm fine. Glad your OK I'm gonna come over tomorrow at 11 am to spend time with ya OK?" HE askes twisting his ring.

"Yeah that's fine see ya then babe." You answer. "Kay great I love you." HE says looking at his feet.

"I love you too." You say hanging up. The boys start laughing when he puts thr phone down at how awkward Eddie was. He rolls his eyes and sits on the couch.

-

1:34 AM. the clock starred at him. The others where asleep. And Eddie couldn't sleep. He needed you. He crept up from his spot on the floor over to the door. Silently grabbing his keys slipping his shoes on walking out the door closing it silently.

He got in the van and drove out the trailer park. He parked a block away from your house and walked around to your window which was left open a crack. Lucky for him. He slid the window up and slipped through. He took his shoes off placing them next to the window. He took off his jacket dropping it with his shoes. Then putting his keys on your desk.

He crept to your bed climbing in next to you. "Babe?" HE whispered. Nothing.

"Princess." HE says a little louder. You stir wnd then go back to sleep. "Y/n." HE says louder making you jump awake. Calming when you see who it is.

"The fuck you doing here." You ask half asleep running a hand through his curls. "Can't sleep wanna come back to the trailer with me n go sleep. I'd crash here but I don't want to leave them dicks alone." HE says kissing your cheek.

You nod. Eddie helps you up putting his jacket on you. You slip on your slippers as Eddie slips on his boots. He goes out the window first. You follow him out grabbing his hand as you stand. He wraps and arm around your shoulder walking to the van like that.

Once in the van you turn on the heater nuzzling into Eddie's jacket holing the hand that's not on the steering wheel.

"I felt really bad about you going earlier. N then you sounded pussed on the phone. N I couldn't sleep. So I come to get ya. Sorry if that's annoying." HE says starting at the empty roads

You shake your head. "I was kinda annoyed at the others reaction when I said I'd go. But I'm glad you come to get me. I don't mind you woke me up. Rather be with you then on my own." You say running a finger over his knuckles. You look over at him and see how he looks in the streetlight. Making you smile.

"I love you." You whisper to him. He stops at a stop light. There were no over cars about but he did for the first time in his life. "I love you too." HE whispers back kissing you sweetly.

You arrive at the trailer and Eddie helps you out. Opening your door for you. Then the trailer door. You enter the trailer feeling comfort at the feeling of Eddie. You slip your shoes off so does Eddie. But you keep his jacket on until your in his bed. His arms go around your waist. Yours around his neck so you can stroke his head. He's out like a light within seconds. One more kiss on his head and your out.

-

The boys notice Eddie's gone so doug walks down to his room. Only to see you both tangled in eachother fast asleep.

"Y/ns here Eddie's asleep." HE tells the others. The others nod. Gareth rights a note for Eddie when he awakens.

Can't believe you ditched us to go get your girl ya softy. Great night call us when your alive.

They pack up and leave.

-

Eddie wakes up and goes into thr living room seeing the boys have left and the note. He called Gareth asking him to call thr others for him. Then he heads back to his room. Climbing into his bed behind you kissing your neck.

You stir awake smiling feeling Eddie kiss your neck. You turn your head catching his lips on yours. "Morning." You smile.

"Morning gorgeous." HE smiles kissing you again.

"The guys already left so you can walking around naked if ya wanna." HE smirks running his fingers up your side. You giggle at Eddie.

"That make you happy?" You ask smirking. He nods like a child hair going everywhere. "Come shower with me then if your lucky. Maybe." HE needs no more convincing. He stand up pulling you up. Dropping his pj pants and boxers. Taking off your shirt dropping your shorts and panties.

He pick you up bridal style. Your laughing as he kissing you as you enter the bathroom.

"I love you."

"I love you too ya douchbag." You say kissing him

[reysdriver]

Hey, I was thinking about something with best friend!Eddie and fem!best friend!reader, but they secretly like each other.

Gareth invites the Hellfire club to spend a weekend at his beach house but Eddie and Reader decide to share the same room/bed.

(I would like things like them going to the beach or helping each other put on sunscreen... 🫣🫣)

Sorry if it's a very large or very specific request, you don't have to fulfill the request in parentheses if you don't want to

thank you!❤️

you and eddie share a bed on the first night of your beach house stay — bestfriend!eddie x fem!reader fluff

warnings: language, that's it i think

words: 1.6k

a/n: I might make this a 2-parter (or more low-key) cause I want to space it out and have the absolute max amount of pining and friends-to-lovers tension hehe

Gareth stared down at you, disapproving of you calling him ‘rich boy’, while unloading your bags from the back of Eddie’s van. 

“I’m not rich, my parents just own a beach house.” He defended. 

You raised an eyebrow. “You know that’s the richest fucking thing you’ve ever said, right?”

“They bought it back in the day when shit was just cheaper. You can go if you don’t want to be here, by the way.” Gareth said it with the sass of a true non-rich boy, and you decided to lay off the teasing. 

You put your hands in the air in mock surrender. It’s been a long drive from Hawkins close to Cleveland, you weren’t turning back now. “Alright, fine, I’m done.”

You and the guys returned to grabbing your duffel bags and backpacks, then you closed the van’s back doors and went towards the front door of the brightly-painted building. Gareth put the lock into the key but faced you all before turning it. 

“So, here it is, my family’s beach house. Ready for the tour and the house rules?” Gareth asked the three of you. 

Everyone was ready for the tour, but you all seemed disappointed that there were rules you had to follow on your mini-vacation. Nevertheless, you all nodded—not necessarily agreeing to anything, just wanting to get inside and put your stuff down. 

Gareth opened the door to reveal the inside of his modest beach house. Okay, maybe he wasn’t rich rich but you still thought about teasing him a few more times throughout your stay. The inside walls of the building were mostly made from light wood, with painted accents peeling in certain places. There were seashells and sand-filled bottles as decorations in the main hall—same as most beach houses, even though the whole point of them was that they were close to the beach all the time. 

“First stop is the kitchen.” Gareth said, leading you all and stopping in front of the table. “If you want to use it, you have to promise not to burn the house down.”

Eddie shook his head. “Now, Garebear, you know I can’t make any promises like that.”

You and Jeff laughed at Eddie’s joke, but Gareth didn’t seem amused. 

“I’m watching you, Ed. I’m serious, my parents will be pissed if anything happens to this place.” He looked back to you and Jeff as he continued. “Next, we have the living room. The tv works, plus we have some movies on those shelves, so we could maybe have a movie night or something tonight.”

Jeff went to look at the shelves that his friend just pointed at. “Yo, these movies are trash!” He laughed. “I’m not watching any of these.” 

“Thank you so much for that valuable addition to the tour, Jeff. And they’re for my parents, obviously.”

“What about where we’re sleeping?” Eddie asked. 

Gareth had told you all that the sleeping situation might be a bit problematic, and that he’d try to think of a best solution, but he hadn’t even told any of you what the issue was. 

“So, we have the couch, it actually even pulls out…” Gareth paused, then started walking down a bright hallway to a pair of doors next to each other. He opened one of them. “Here’s my room; I’m sleeping here, of course.” Before you could even take a good look inside, he shut that door and opened the other. “And here’s the main bedroom. Two of you will have to share the big bed.”

All three of you looked at him with wide eyes at the idea. At the exact same time, you and Jeff tried calling dibs on the couch, then cringed at the fact that you both wanted it. 

“Eddie, you don’t want the couch?” Gareth asked, noticing he seemed pretty calm about it all.

He shrugged. “Have you seen my room? I couldn’t give a shit about where I sleep.”

Even though you’ve seen his room and understood where he was coming from, Eddie seemed like he wasn’t being completely truthful. Unfortunately, you were too focused on having your own sleeping place to ask him what was wrong. 

“Since you said it together, I may have to flip a coin.” Gareth said, already digging in his pockets to find one. 

“No way, I don’t want to sleep next to Eddie.” Jeff protested. “No offence.”

“Offence taken, actually. I’ll have you know I am a lovely spooner, both big and little.”

Gareth laughed. “Yeah, like you’ve ever gotten to spoon with someone.” Before Eddie could even respond, he held out a quarter and stood between you and Jeff. “Alright, tails means Jeff gets the couch, heads means he gets to be Eddie’s first spooning partner.” 

You nodded, watching the coin intensely as Gareth tossed it in the air. It was spinning too quickly for you to really see the sides, so you just crossed your fingers and looked at his face as he read it. 

“Tails.” He looked at you. “Looks like you and Eddie can find a way to share the big room.”

You tried keeping your sigh quiet and hiding your upset, but you had to admit you were a bit disappointed about not having your own bed. You thought about it all throughout dinner and your movie night, and it stared you in the face when it was time to go to sleep.

Eddie dug through his duffel bag to find a pair of pyjama pants and a band t-shirt—of course. “If you want me to leave the room while you change, I can. I feel like that’s what girls want, right?”

You shook your head, fiddling with the fabric from your own set. “No, no, don’t worry about that. Just turn around for a second, maybe?”

He did just as you asked, turning around to face the corner of the room and getting changed himself while he waited for you to do the same. You quickly stripped yourself of the clothes you had spent all day in, and changed into the short black set you had packed with you. 

“Okay, you can turn around now.” You told him after you were done. 

He turned as you had said, but you both hesitated to get in bed, even though there was nothing left to do. 

“You know, I can sleep on the floor or something if you don’t want to share the bed.” He offered unnecessarily. 

“No way, I know you said you don’t care where you sleep, but that’s ridiculous, Eddie. I would never ask you to do that.” You slid underneath the bed sheets on your side. They were actually nice sheets; you would be sad to see Eddie sleep on the floor and miss that sweet thread count. “We’re basically grown-ups; we can share a bed without it being a big deal.”

He seemed less reluctant than before as he laid down next to you. “Well, I just wanted to err on the side of caution.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “You never want to be cautious, Eddie. That’s like, your whole thing.”

“Yeah, well, it’s different with you.”

You weren’t quite sure what he meant by that, but you chose to ignore it in case it was something negative. There was no way you’d want to share a bed with a friend after finding out he secretly hates you or something like that. 

The two of you were lying down on opposite sides of the bed on your backs, but you leaned over to whisper to Eddie. “Goodnight, Eds.”

He wished you a good night in return, but it didn’t do much in the way of easing your nerves. For that, you just shut your eyes, clutched the blanket, and tried your hardest to fall asleep. 

You weren’t sure about how long it took, but you did eventually sleep; and you woke up practically cuddling with your best friend. You were hugging him, your head was on his chest, and his arms were wrapped around your torso in return. You also weren’t sure how you got into that position, but you knew you had to get out of it. In an attempt to be soft and silent, you unwrapped your arms from Eddie and snuck out of his grasp. 

You stood up and walked over to the nice kitchen to make yourself some morning tea—and get away from the friend you were just accidentally snuggling. 

You didn’t even let the water in the pot fully boil since you didn’t want to wake anyone up, but it seemed your attempts to be quiet were unsuccessful, since you heard footsteps coming down the hall from the bedrooms. 

Of course it was Eddie and this was the one time he woke up before the clock hit a double-digit hour. “Morning.” He mumbled, rubbing his eyes. 

“Good morning.” You held out a mug for him. “Do you want some tea?” 

“Absolutely not. But I’ll make myself a coffee if there’s any here.” 

Eddie started rooting through the lightwood cupboards to find what he wanted, but you knew where it was, so you just handed it to him. 

“Thanks.” 

“No problem.” You told him. “So, um, how’d you sleep last night?”

“Really well, sweetheart. What about you?”

You nodded and held back a smile. “Same. I slept great.”x

[creeppostss]

Smoke Sesh

pairing; Jeff the killer / NB!reader

warnings; smoking, shotgunning, fluff with sexual references and not proofread :3

summary; jeff not so nicely barges in your room for a midnight smoke. You give in and smoke alongside him. Fluff but it gets semi-sexual. I wrote this at 1 in the morning and it was too long for me to add actual fucking. If you guys hype this up enough I’ll write a part two where they ACTUALLY fuck.

You were sitting in your room, minding your own business. It was a late night, probably around midnight. The whole house was silent, everyone asleep in their own rooms. Or so you thought. The knock at your door startled you, making you jump and look over to the door. You stayed silent, and so did the person on the other side. But you sighed and decided to get up. You should’ve pretended to be asleep.

Upon opening your door you saw the last person you wanted to see this late at night. Jeffrey. You had honestly debated slamming the door in his face and going back to your bed, but something felt different. He looked calmer, nicer. He seemed it too. Since you opened your door he hasn’t tried to make a single snide comment. Surprising for him. Still, you didn’t let him in quite yet, leaning against the doorframe and glaring.

“Can I help you?” Your words sounded more bitter than you intended, grimacing internally. He did not answer you, instead going to push past you into your room. He took position on your bed, sitting upright. He looked at you and patted a spot on the bed beside him, beckoning you over. You groan, close your door, and move to sit beside him.

Once you’ve sat down, he pulls a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He pulls two, avoiding the one cigarette in the pack that he’s flipped upside-down. He calls it his lucky. Smokes it last. Jeff discarded the box of cigarettes onto your bed, instead digging back in his pocket to find a lighter. It was something Nina had given him, so it was pink and flashy. He lit both cigarettes and passed you yours, then took his in between his lips.

It wasn’t often that you two were caught together. You mostly spent time alone. Arguing. Bickering. But that wasn’t special to you. He argued with everyone. So seeing him so quiet made you arguably more tense than if he was running his mouth. You finally brought the cigarette up to your mouth, inhaling deeply and holding it for a moment before the release. You had to try to not cough. You hadn’t smoked in a while. You figured now was a good time to ask what he had come for.

“Did you want something? You don’t usually come looking for me, y’know. Need a favor?”

Jeff grunted and took another deep inhale of his own cigarette. You were beginning to regret letting him light them in here, your room would be sticky and smokey after this. Jeff breathed out his smoke and looked towards you, some kind of look on his face. It was a mix between smugness and something you couldn’t quite read.

“Yeah, actually. Jack is crashing in my room tonight. He said he had a surgical experiment go wrong in his room. Said he couldn’t sleep there tonight. Big mess.” He cut off his own sentence, sticking his cigarette back between his lips. This allowed you a moment to speak.

“So what are you saying? You want to sleep here? In my room? In my bed?” You practically laughed at the idea, a look of disbelief and some kind of humor painted across your face. Jeff just nodded. Oh.

“Oh. Well, fuck. I mean-…I guess? That’s fine. Just for tonight though, right?”

He nodded softly again. Jeff glanced at his shortening cigarette, then back at you. It seemed like some kind of switch flipped on in his brain. He leaned in closer to you, making you lean backwards uncomfortably.

“I wanna try something.” And he didn’t let you respond. He took a fat drag of his cigarette, not inhaling. Jeff reached up and cupped your cheek, sticking his thumb in your mouth to open it up. Then he pushed close to your face, almost mouth to mouth. You were honestly turning a little red. Much to your dismay. Finally, the tension eased as he opened his mouth and allowed his tongue to push the smoke out of his mouth, letting it be inhaled by you.

The secondhand smoke was much harsher than the initial drag would be, so you only inhaled about half before you had to pull away to cough in the other direction. It burned your lungs, your throat feeling as if it would jump out of your body. Your eyes watered and made tears pill at the corners, threatening to spill if you coughed any more.

Jeff cocked his head and stared at you. He felt pity, disgust, many things. But there was something else. Admiration. After all, you still allowed him to shotgun for you even when you probably knew you couldn’t hold it. His lip pulled up on one side into some sort of half smile as he leaned forward to interrupt your coughing with a soft kiss.

You of course, didn’t expect that. But you didn’t pull away. You couldn’t even tell if you wanted to. When he saw that you weren’t going to pull away, he allowed himself to deepen the kiss. Your entire figure softened and your hands relaxed, not remembering you had a lit cigarette in your hand. The tip of your cigarette touched your opposite arm, making you yelp and pull back while you glanced down at the residual red mark. Jeff frowned at you and took your cigarette out of your hand, snuffing it out on his own arm.

You watched him press it against his white skin, the burn turning a small portion red. You looked up at him, staring with an expression that screamed “Why the fuck would you do that.” He just looked at you and shrugged gently, smiling softly.

“We match.” Jeff discarded both cigarette butts to the the table that sat beside your bed, careful to not allow either of the searing hot tips touch your wooden table. He was being kind and it was strange. Maybe it was just because he was late, maybe he was high. God knows. Whatever it was, it was nice.

He looked back at you with some kind of light in his eyes, the most that you’ve seen since you’ve been stuck up in this “mansion”. It made you want to kiss him again. So that’s what you did. You slid your hands up his face and laid them to rest on his cheeks, careful not to touch his scars. You liked them just fine, you just knew he was insecure about them.

You looked at him for reassurance, and he leaned in and allowed you to kiss him. As you kissed him, your hands moved back and slipped into his hair. The feeling of soft, yet greasy hair filled your touch. His scent was something of smoke and musk. It was attractive. Your hands began to unconsciously play with his hair, almost roughly coiling into it. He grunted softly and repaid the favor, his hands finding their way into your soft locks. He tugged softly which made you moan into the tender kiss.

Jeff pushed you back into the bed and positioned himself above you, in between your legs. The makeout session began to get more heated and rough, the hands in each others hair gripping more tightly and more precisely. There was meaning in this kiss now. Something more than a late night fling. It was filled with passion and comfort. But that wasn’t enough.

You bit Jeff’s lower lip which made him groan, biting back at yours harder. Your breath was hitching now, heart rate beginning to elevate. Jeffrey was the first one to pull away from the kiss, and his breathing matched yours. Quickened. He licked his lips and looked down at your neck, immediately going down to press sloppy kisses and licks to the sensitive area. You shuddered and moaned under your breath, wrapping your legs around Jeff’s torso.

It was a bit of a funny angle since he was above you, but you didn’t care. You felt so good, so right. Nothing else mattered. The tenderness was continued for only a short period of time. The gentle kisses ended as he bit down into your neck, beginning to suck a deep bruise into the skin. Your legs tightened around his waist as you muttered his name, nails clawing at the back of his shirt.

How badly you wanted more. You had been deprived of this contact for so long that even this had your brain powered into overdrive. How badly you wanted to beg him, please, please, more. But you didn’t. You didn’t want to risk the chance of losing this connection you already had. So you bit your lip and kept the silence.

Jeff sucked at least three hickeys into your tender skin, pulling back and looking down at his handiwork. You could practically hear his heartbeat. It was fast, faster than yours. He was panting too, whether it be from arousal or lack of oxygen from sucking at your neck for so long was a mystery. But he didn’t progress. You knew he wanted to, and you wanted to as well. But you both knew that it was better to stop now before you got in too deep.

He wriggled himself free from your legs and laid down beside you. You both stared at the ceiling, but you moved first, flipping to lay on your side, facing away from him. You could hear a noise of displeasure from him, but then you felt the bed move. You waited patiently for something to happen, and you got what you wanted. He had moved so he could spoon you, arm going to wrap around your waist in a hug.

You knew this wouldn’t last. So you took it in while you could now. Even if he had just got you so pent up. And you could feel he was too, his more than half hard boner prodding into your ass. Maybe you’d help him with that later. But for now you relished in the feeling of being held.

You fell asleep first. Jeff just made sure you stayed asleep. Once he was absolutely sure you wouldn’t wake up, he pressed a kiss to the back of your head before cuddling closer to your warm body, falling asleep in the comfort of your bed.

[writingsfromhome]

Dos and Don’ts IV

A/N: hello my loves this final part to this fic completes the birth of one of my favourite fics I’ve written. Thank you for reading and enjoying it just as much—every like, comment, and dm meant the world <3

Parts: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

—————————————————

We have an extra day in Barcelona and the team is buzzing to enjoy their nightlife since we could sleep all day tomorrow. I’d visited here while I was a uni student so I give some suggestions.

Harry’s a little on edge the whole time. Earlier today some headline from a musician Harry worked with was taken out of context and thus took the internet by storm. Now he was being flooded with people wanting to know his thoughts and feelings. It was a hot topic.

With a joint effort of me, Jeff, and Graham, we tried to keep the spotlight on his Barcelona show. Well my role was mostly to screen Harry from seeing any further discourse online.

The show itself was one of the loudest I’d been to—I was glad I had my own ear protection. The tense Harry falls away and he’s electric on stage. Even coming backstage he’s on a high; he hugs the crew and thanks everyone like he usually did at the end of shows and disappears into his dressing room with Jeff. They look like they’re talking intensely.

“So,” Sarah slides in beside me. “We noticed you’re a bit different coming back. What’s happened?”

I try to play dumb but the girls keep pushing.

“Me and my fiancé ended things,” I confess. They gasp, Claire’s eyes actually fill with tears.

“Shh!” I shush them. “Keep it on the down low please I don’t want anyone to know.”

“But y/n why are you even here!? Is it because of tour! I’m sure Harry could have rearranged things-“

“No no,” I appreciated their support but I didn’t want to hash things out. “It’s just…I think it was a long time coming. God, I don’t wanna cry. I’m good. For now. And I want to be on tour I need the distraction.”

“I get it,” they sympathize. “We’re gonna make you forget so hard tonight.”

“Okay but don’t,” I look around us to make sure there was nobody else around. “Please don’t tell Harry. Seriously please. I don’t want him to know especially. I don’t want him to treat me differently or something.”

“Lips are sealed.” Sarah zips her mouth. “But we can all tell you’re off. It’s hard not to practically living together these last couple months. If he asks we’ll say…”

“Just say she’s on a break?” Charlie suggests.

“Yeah,” I shrug. “Things are complicated, I’m on a break, whatever that’s fine.”

The girls lean towards me and envelop me in a hug. It reminds me of my friends I’d said goodbye to.

“Thanks,” I say through tears.

And the girls hold me to their promise.

After we get dressed for the night—I chose a corset-style top and trousers—we head out. The sun dips below the horizon and the old city is cast in a warm orange glow that could inspire anyone who set eyes on it. String lights come on and music plays from various doors; the city is alive.

We tease each other about looking so glam as we wander the narrow cobblestone streets. Aside from the shows we all wore sweats and tees.

Every place we pass sets my senses alight. We grab tapas from a place that smells irresistible and chat over each other about tonight’s wicked show. I continue avoiding Harry by sitting as far away from him as I can get.

As we wander off in search of the club I can’t help but feel a twinge at how incredibly romantic the moonlit streets felt.

The club is loud and alive, the noise levels even feel normal after the roar of the last few of Harry’s shows. My mood starts shooting up steadily as I drink in the energy around me.

We join the crowd and I give away my worries and my annoyances to enjoy the music. I feel it in my chest and for a blissful moment I’m grateful for my whole damn life despite everything.

“Cute guy!” Someone shouts in my ear.

Charlie nudges me to one of the guys dancing nearby. “Get distracted!”

I shake my head no.

“Do it!” She cheers. It barely travels to me. She grabs Claire’s hand and tugs her, letting her in on the plan and they goad me into going for it.

I motion a drink. I’d need another shot for the courage.

We trail back to the bar and do a round of shots, and they grin with thumbs up as I hesitantly enter the crowd again.

The dude they pointed out is tall and beautiful. Like beautiful not even handsome. I get stuck looking up at him in awe, he wasn’t really my type. A tad too pretty boy but when he notices me looking he smiles and I’m won over. I couldn’t deny a good smile.

“Hey!” He turns his body to me. At least I think he say hey.

“Hey!” I shout back.

“Que pasa?”

“What?!” I couldn’t hear a single thing. What did I expect.

He smiles and takes my hand that had been anxiously playing with the edge of my top. The other has a hand splint that I’d received in Madrid. Apparently I sprained my fingers.

The stranger wriggles both my hands to loosen them, raising his brow at the splint. I laugh.

He asks in my ear but I don’t understand. It sounds like a question, something bylar. When I scrunch my brows he laughs, “Dance! We dance!?”

“Dance!” I laugh. He was cute! “Yes! I want to dance with you!”

“Vamos,” he pulls me in. I understood that at least.

I used to do this in uni, I think. I should be able to do it again.

He teases me a little because I’m so tense. His hands knead down my back to my waist to get me to relax. It feels nice, being touched by a man that looks like he was carved from marble but filled with music.

I begin to find my rhythm and sway with him, eventually letting go completely. He compliments me as I start to move with him and pretty soon I’ve channeled my 20-year-old self. It feels pretty spectacular.

When his lips ghost my cheek I don’t protest. Right now, I felt good. Everything was on the back burner’s back burner and I felt grounded in this nighclub with this random stranger who was paying attention to me, just me. And it’s just us. And it’s just temporary. And I feel good.

When I turn around, my back to his chest, he moves my hair to the side and kisses down my neck. It felt good.

I run my hand up into his hair and he moves lower murmuring foreign words on my skin, our bodies still dancing in the same language, his hands still gripping my waist and my hips. I feel blissed out.

It ends in a split second.

“What are you doing?” Harry’s suddenly tugging me towards him. His mouth makes the words I just fill them in with his annoyingly bossy voice.

“Hey man,” the guy I’m dancing with tries to get in between us.

“What are you doing!?” I snatch my hand away from Harry.

Harry puts his hand on my partner’s chest and says something to him, maybe in Spanish. He looks at me with puppy dog eyes and I look at Harry. What had he said.

“What did you say?” I ask. I try to call back my dancing partner but he just salutes me with a smile and fades into the crowd. No wait, I’m being dragged away.

“Y/n what are you doing out there?”

“What am I doing?” I shout. “What are you?! I was having a nice time with that guy what did you say to him?”

He walks away, further back into the edges of the club. There’s a few people milling about with a number of them involved in heavy makeout sessions.

Harry turns to face me finally. “You’re engaged y/n, Claire and Sarah said things are complicated at home is that why you’re doing this?”

“What!” I throw my hands up, tears prick my eyes. What the fuck was his problem! Since when did he care? “Why do you care?! Yes, things are complicated and I was getting my mind off of said things—what is your issue? You want to drag me back here and remind me of how shitty things have been?”

“This isn’t the way,” Harry insists. “You don’t even know that guy!”

“Whatever I’m over this convo.”

I turn to leave but Harry grabs my hand, the one in the splint, and pulls me back.

“Sorry,” he lets go of the splint. Then picks it up again. “Look. I’m worried about you. This isn’t you, you’re not the girl that goes home with another guy when your fiancé is back at home! I just don’t want you making any regrets.”

“Oh is that it,” I step towards him so my hand isn’t so outstretched. He stands still but on my second step he inches back. “Since when did you get a high horse huh? Don’t tell me who I am and who I’m not. You barely know me! If I want to make decisions I regret I can do that. They’re mine to make.”

“No. Y/n, as mad as you are don’t go home with a stranger.”

“As if you don’t!” I scoff. “What’s your real agenda here? What’s going on?”

“Nothing!” He insists.

“Why do you suddenly care so much about my chastity?”

“It’s for your own good!”

He’s lying. I know he’s lying and I don’t know why he pulled me away from my beautiful Spanish dance partner but I was actually relaxing and now he’s put me right back into this crazed and tense headspace I kept finding myself in.

Fine, I decide. I could make him regret it.

“Really? You care about my morality that much?” I ask.

With my hand flat on his chest I’ve pushed him further into the wall behind him. He watches me with a guarded look.

But I want him unguarded, vulnerable. The same way he’s made me feel. I lean in, “Are you really worried about the technicalities of me cheating on my fiancé?”

I hover a half foot from his lips. Finally his eyes flicker down to my lips and I know I’ve got him.

I slide my hand up his chest and when my hand inches up the skin of his throat his eyes grow unguarded and heady with lust. He doesn’t push me away. He doesn’t say no.

Hypocrite.

I drop my hand.

“That’s what I thought Mr. Styles.”

I watch for a wonderful moment as the lust clears from his eyes and he realizes what happened. Shame, embarrassment, resignation, and then anger.

I spin on my heel and head away from him. He could deal with the consequences of his actions all on his own.

I’m half-afraid he’ll come after me but luckily I make it out of the club alone.

“He’s such a dick,” I say more to myself. Just to get it out because I’m pissed. “Who the fuck does he think he is!?”

My night is over. I just want to take this all off and forget about it. Maybe I can lock myself in my room and raid the mini-fridge, get drunk and cry myself to sleep. Those seemed like the best options right now.

I take an uber to the hotel. As I walk up to it I notice a weird crowd outside. For nearly 2am I wasn’t expecting this and my instincts kick in that this wasn’t normal. Especially when I notice all the camera straps.

“Excuse me,” I ask the front desk. “Why are there a bunch of paparazzi outside?”

“Is there?” The man behind the counter asks. “Sorry we will tell them to leave. Are you staying with us?”

“That’s a privacy concern out there, and a concern with your staff because they’re here. How do they know who’s staying here?!”

It seems to dawn on him I wasn’t just asking out of curiosity. He promises me he’ll get management. In the meantime I call Jeff and explain the situation. He starts to panic the way I hated, looking for something to blame. He calls Graham who sounds like he’s driving in nascar. It’s a very noisy and over-stimulating conversation.

“Call Harry!” Jeff orders. “Tell him he cannot go back to the hotel no matter what! Fucking vultures man!”

“Y/N,” Graham says in a calmer voice. “You need to go back to where Harry is with some sort of disguise. A hat or sunglasses. That sort of thing-“

“It’s night.”

“Yes night. No glasses. Book the closest hotel you can find. Tell his band they can come back, but to go through the back. They might get spotted but they’re trained on dodging questions. That will keep the vultures there waiting for Harry and we can pick you two up back to the airport tomorrow morning. Where’s after this?”

“Glasgow,” I bite my nail as I think. I had to call Harry asap. What if he was on his way back. “I gotta go now to call him though. Talk later.”

I hang up and call Harry. He picks up the second time.

I explain the situation and he reacts the same way as Jeff, swearing and cursing the papps. I tell him what I was going to do and tell him to go right back into the club. To pass on the word to the team even though I was going to send them a text.

I head up to my room and grab what fits in my bag. I didn’t have Harry’s room key so I decide he’d have to wear my hat and head back out. The vultures stay waiting, now just a few feet further away from the entrance.

I speak briefly to management—I figured Jeff could talk to them and give his classic earful.

On the drive I find a nearby hotel to the club and collect Harry to get him there. We’re too tense to talk when we meet up. Once inside again, I tell him to sit in the lounge while I go up to the desk.

Act above it all, I channel a rich bitch. We needed privacy and we needed nobody to know Harry was here.

“Hi I need a room.” I say.

“Of course, how many night will you be staying with us.”

I glance back to see where Harry sits. He’s in a wingback chair that’s mostly turned away and with his hair stuffed in the baseball cap you can hardly tell it’s him.

“Just a night. I need your best room please.”

“Absolutely,” the woman smiles and I feel bad for only giving a tight-lipped smile back. I wait as she clicks away, finally looking back to me with a slight frown. “So miss unfortunately we are very booked tonight. There are a couple events going on in the city making things very popular.”

“The best room will do. Preferably large.”

“Well,” she hesitates. “A lot of our larger rooms are taken um. I can offer you a bed with one king, it is a bit smaller because it’s by the elevators. I also have one with a queen that is tucked away in the corner with a better view.”

I wanted to be as far away from Harry as possible but by an elevator was asking for trouble.

“Well, I’d rather stay far away from noise so we’ll take the queen.”

“Is that just you or…” she glances at Harry.

“Yes. Two. We’ve had a rough day of travel he’s just resting.”

I hand over ID and my card, trying not to balk at the total. At least I’ll get reimbursed.

“Do you have any bags?” The concierge swoops in as I get the key card.

“No! No. Like I said, bad travel day. We just need somewhere to sleep and we’ll reunite with the bags once they arrive tomorrow.”

They leave us alone after that. I hoped it was because I’d been standoffish enough and not plain weird.

The elevator ride up to the 8th floor is stony and I spend the spare second to text Jeff and Graham the hotel’s address.

The room itself is pretty sub-par and the adrenaline of getting Harry here safely wears off.

I drop my bag by the door and pull out my toiletry bag.

“I don’t have clothes for you to change into, I didn’t have your room key.”

“Yeah. S’fine. I’ll just sleep shirtless unless that bothers you.”

We stare at each other for a tense moment.

“I’m fine with that, you’re the one with the high horse.”

After doing all this for him I wasn’t going to be easy to deal with if he wasn’t going to be easy to deal with.

He chooses to ignore me.

“How the fuck did they know I was staying there? We were under a-“

His phone rings and he answers. Sounds like Jeff.

I use the time to go to the bathroom and finally take off the makeup. I realize I should have grabbed my pjs from my bag too. I take my hair down and massage my scalp with my fingers, letting myself calm down despite the aggressive voices outside.

“Yeah whatever. Keep me updated.” I hear. Great. That was done with.

I leave the bathroom and Harry’s still pacing the floor.

“You’re gonna wear the carpet down if you keep doing that.”

He stops and looks at me, his eyes trail down my body.

“You didn’t bring yourself a change of clothes either?”

“You wish,” I head for my bag again and grab the tee and shorts. “I just forgot them out here.”

“Do you always have to be so snarky?”

Oh, so he wanted to fight. Good news for him, so did I.

“Depends. With you? When you’re being a dick? Yeah. I do.”

“It’s really quite unbecoming.”

“Is it?” I mock his accent. “It’s not proper for a lady to be snarky?”

“I don’t sound like that. You just never let anything go.” He continues.

“I never let anything go?” I repeat.

“Yeah! Ever!”

“What do you want me to let go?” I ask.

“Everything. You’re bothered by everything just let it all fucking go.”

“No like specifically what should I let go?” I turn on him and with each question I stalk towards him. “Being treated like trash by you? Being told I’m replaceable and unnecessary? Getting bossed around about who I can and can’t dance with because you suddenly decide to be the morality police!?”

“Jesus take it down a notch y/n.” We’re fuming as we square off. “I’m not your bloody fiancé.”

“And thank fuck you’re not!” I throw the clothes in my hand on the bed. “You’re my employer Mr. Styles and I’ve been nothing but a good fucking employee for the last year! I try to keep my patience and do everything I can to do my best! You’re the one always trying to blur lines! You’re the one always getting in my damn business when I don’t pay you to!”

With every accusation I poke my finger into his chest and it’s like literally pushing buttons. His face gets stonier and stonier until I’m sure he’s going to crack.

“You wanna know what your fucking issue is?” He swipes my hand away.

“Oh sure tell me, wise Harry Styles who definitely has no issues at all. Tell me.”

“This. This is your fucking issue,” he spits. “You’ve always got such a temper on you! I’m not blurring any bloody lines I check up on you and you get all offended over nothing!”

“Over nothing?” I ask. I laugh sarcastically and walk away from him. I was seeing red. “Over nothing?”

“Yes! I don’t do shite and suddenly you’re trying to bite my dick off.”

“You fucking wish,” I turn on him. “It’s crazy you don’t realize what an absolute jackass you are! We should be refunding all those fans who’ve come out to see you because the man they’re paying for is a fake! You’ve treated me like nothing and embarrassed me countless time-“

“Embarrassed you,” he scoffs.

“Yes!” I go on. “What do you call what you said on our way to Paris huh? You can be so cruel! So if I have a temper it’s justified because you’re one of the worst people I’ve met!”

“What did I say?”

“Are you kidding? You’re going to make me repeat it?” He was crazy. He was depraved and absolutely insane. Or he just hated me.

“I’m not playing a game just tell me!”

“You said I could have skipped the whole tour and nobody would notice.” I say the words that had looped through my head. And of course, he has the audacity to look surprised. “Thanks. A lot! It makes it even worse that you were so casual with your cruelt-“

“You need to stop being so sensitive,” he has the nerve to say. “Then maybe you can manage your temper.”

“I can manage my temper any time but you’re moody like a pre-pubescent teen and that looks to be a lifetime fucking problem!”

“What’s your fucking problem Y/n! What is your problem with me!? Why do you still work for me if you are this angry all the time!”

“I’m not this angry all the time, you just makes me this angry! And I hate you for it!”

“Then quit!”

“Maybe I will!” I had to. After tonight and this blowout I had to. How could I work for Harry like this.

“Great! Then you can take your problems with you.”

“Don’t gaslight me,” how dare he. “You’re not innocent in this! You create my problems and blame me for being this way.”

“Whatever y/n.”

“No.” I wasn’t letting him off the hook. I get in his face again. “Why did you stop me tonight? Why did you keep me from doing what I wanted tonight?”

“What? I told you I was looking out-“

“Bullshit!” I cut him off. “That’s a bullshit excuse, I want to know why!?”

I feel like I’m made of flames and in desperate need of a lobotomy. How could one guy make me this crazy. How could it all revolve around him.

“I was doing it for your own good! But clearly I understand why it’s so fucking complicated with your partner-“

“Don’t you dare talk about him,” I seethe. I was mad. Fuming. I want to get physical, I wish I could throttle him or at the very least access one of the pillows from across the room and smash it to the floor. I want him to see how angry I am because my words are twisted with every angle Harry could find. I wanted him to admit to something he’s been skirting for a long time. “Tell me.”

Harry stares at me with hate in his eyes and I know I have the same look. I wasn’t going to let him get away.

“You don’t even have the balls to admit it,” I poke. “Is this why you’re so hard-headed to anything I say? Because you can’t even admit something like this to yourself?”

“Just shut the fuck up y/n and stop being so mental.”

“I refuse to shut up. I want you to talk.”

His breathing gets faster and I watch him flex his hand. He was as angry as I was. Good.

“You’re a fraud. And I hate you.” I step into his space. Our bodies are a hair’s breadth away from each other’s. I want to show him how mad he makes me. I want to do something. I want him to admit this thing he’s been dancing around. It makes me so mad!

When he starts to shake his head at me I lose it. Instinct takes over where I want to physically show him how angry he was making me. I grab his face in my hands and push my mouth against his. I meet teeth.

But it doesn’t take long for him to respond. To correct the unadulterated anger with purpose.

He pushes back, kissing me harder whilst pushing me against the wall. I feel sandwiched, my chest crushed against his and I bite down on his lip trying to get back some control.

My hands are all over him, grabbing his shirt, running through his hair, pushing under his shirt to touch skin. Harry does the same, pulling at my hair and lifting me onto him.

Our tongues clash together, his hand grabs my ass, squeezing and moving up. His hands feel hot on my skin, his metal rings an icy contrast. Neither of us want to give up control. We keep fighting, just now with our bodies.

“Why can’t you ever just let it go,” he traces his teeth over my collarbone. It all feels too much.

In response I push him back, he stares at me for a heated second before we crash into each other again. We don't care where we are. All that mattered was here and showing the other who was in control. Who hated who the most.

Harry pulls away, his mouth a deep pink from our fight. His eyes are half lidded, his pupils dilated. I can tell he wants this but a part of him hesitates.

"We're doing this," I commit, not taking my eyes off his lips.

"I’m doing this," he growls and lifts me up, any hesitancy washed away. I wrap my legs around him, not thinking about anything but what I was going to do.

He whirls me around and deposits me onto the bed, and his body covers mine while his mouth attack my neck.

He wasn't gentle or slow, but then again, I didn't want him to be. I pull off his shirt, not wanting anything between us, not caring that my nails would leave marks down his back. Leaving something permanent on him sounded exactly what I needed.

I tug on his hair as his teeth come down on my chest. I feel heated as he swears, “Teasing me with this top all night was a fucking sin y/n.”

“Fuck off,” I gasp as he figures out the row of clasps at the front and the icy rings of his fingers presses against my sternum. I grit my teeth, “I didn’t wear this for you.”

His abs contract as he pushes himself back up, his eyes dark as his hands find the clasp on my trousers, undoing them with ease and tugging them off. His other hand comes back up to tilt my chin up.

“D’you really hate me?” He asks.

“Yes,” I respond with zero hesitation.

He moves his body, covering mine with his own again. My breath catches in my throat as he presses his lips to my neck, slowly moving down. He drives me crazy with anticipation and I wriggle up to keep up the pace but he holds me in place. I let out a moan as he kisses my inner thighs, his fingers gripping the tops of them. I'm squirming under his hold, the heat pooling inside of me.

“Do you hate me?” He asks again.

“Yes,” I cry, not wanting to relent to him.

“Good,” he says and that’s the last thing I remember.

The rest is a tangle of limbs, an out-of-body sensation, and seismic wave after wave coursing through my body. It’s unlike anything I’ve experienced before; the fury we felt with each other fuzes to the passion of the moment and it blitzes every damn thought out of my head.

Hours later, or maybe the whole night later—I don’t know but all I do know was that my body was spent and I was barely hanging on.

“I can’t,” I plant my hands on his shoulders and nearly pitch forward just from pausing. His hand splays on my back, keeping me in place as he turns us around.

“Okay?” He asks low.

I nod, grateful that he was taking over.

And after riding out what I know would be my last wave he rolls off of me, and we lay there just trying to catch our breaths.

After a few minutes, I sense him tilting towards me, his eyes on my face. When he stares for so long it becomes obvious, I look back at him.

His eyes are not the same ones that started this mess, they’re breezy meadows of green compared to the icy sea glass from before. But it’s not surprising. With each round and each minute we spent with other tonight, things had grown softer. Not gentle, but softer.

And as we look at each other with the awareness that the anger had bled into the threads of these tangled sheets a long time ago, we’re left with something neither of us want to distinguish. At least I don’t.

His gaze holds something too real for a place like this and I quickly look away and back at the ceiling. I feel his eyes on me a moment longer before he himself turns away to stare at the same ceiling.

“Y/N,” someone suddenly calls my name, tapping my cheeks with a gentle pat. I have to pull myself from the depths of wherever the fuck I just went to open my eyes and look up, at Harry. He looks concerned and asks me a question that I don’t register—I was truly out of it. I must have dozed off.

I push his hand away and grab the closest piece of clothing to wrap around myself in which ends up being a sheet. I take myself to the bathroom to clean up.

I hardly recognize the girl in the mirror. My eyes are blown out and my neck looks like it was rammed by a bull. I can hardly look at the rest of me. I would need to buy something high necked before we got picked up tomorrow morning and use all the concealer I had. I know I marked every inch of him I could find too.

I had never felt that level of passion with anyone. It was unnerving.

My knees collapse under me as I sit on the toilet and try to count the tiles on the opposite wall, just to come back to earth. To my body.

I sense a shadow under the door after I’m in there for a while, I watch it move from one side to the other and then move away. I wait longer, nearly falling asleep there before going back out.

The bed looks a right mess and most of the duvet is twisted to the side. I don’t bother with it, I use the sheet I’m wrapped in and crawl right into bed. Harry seems to have fallen asleep too but as I near sleep I feel the bed dip and the heavy weight of the duvet drapes over me.

I don’t have enough clarity or energy tonight to think about what any of this meant but I know I was right about leaving.

***

We return to London on a Wednesday morning and nearly kiss the ground. Harry was still playing two shows here but getting to go back home instead of a hotel room was enough to make us weep.

I didn’t really have a home to go back to. I’d been thinking about that a lot as the tour took us closer and closer to London. I had texted Gray yesterday and we agreed I could crash there until this weekend to get my stuff together.

London had a metaphorical grey fog over it in my mind. Nothing felt appealing about it and the only thing on my mind these days was home—my childhood home.

I already knew I was going to give in my resignation letter to Harry after tour but I had a 3 week period under contract. I don’t think I could afford a hotel for three weeks and staying with any of my friends is out of the question.

These thoughts kept me preoccupied.

It helped me not to think about that night though. I avoided Harry unless it was for work, returning to the solitude of my first few months working for him. He does the same: curt and avoidant. I know others notice but nobody dares to ask.

It was the most intense thing I’d done in my whole life and that was saying something. There was a way that Harry got under my skin that nobody else could. And it was hard to find a balance after the scales had shifted so far in that direction.

I felt like I had to block it out until I could have space to process it. And yet memories still seeped through when I was quiet for a moment too long or when he’d walk past me with the same cologne as that night and I’d catch a whiff. I was doubly sure this chapter had to close.

When I get back to the flat on Wednesday Gray has vanished as he promised. He told me he’d drop by that evening to talk. Surprisingly, I felt calm about it. I don’t know if it was getting all of that ferocious energy out that had been churning for months, but I feel level-headed and I appreciate the space to myself.

Gray texts me before he arrives. Like this wasn’t the flat he was now paying for alone.

I know what he wanted to talk about—we were all supposed to go to Harry’s last show at the o2 since I had tickets for everyone. Josie was stoked and based on the way she’s been texting me leading up to the day I don’t think she knew. Gray confirms it.

“So,” he rubs the back of his neck. He looked nice in a beanie and corduroy jacket. I wonder if any of the effort was for me, then vanish the thought.

“So,” I echo.

We stand awkwardly across from each other—him propping himself up behind the couch and me leaning against the dining table. Like we needed to get as much furniture between us. Like we hadn’t shared a bed a few weeks ago.

“We should sit?”

“Yeah,” he attempts a laugh and sits on the sofa. I choose the closest chair and turn it to face him. “Yeah. Um, I don’t know how you feel about Saturday. But I haven’t told Josie yet. I haven’t really told anyone.”

I nod, “Me too. Not really. People at work think we’re on a break.”

“Right. Good.” He says. “I’m not tryna lie to people but I don’t really want to get into it…”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “So Josie?”

“I’ll let her know once…once you move out?”

Move out. Of this flat. It’s been home for nearly 3 years.

Gray had surprised me with it when he found it—I had been broke and only been able to pitch in for utilities and groceries but he’d been gracious. He’d been supportive once. But I guess his support had boundaries too. I didn’t entirely blame him for that.

“Sounds good. Or later, maybe when she’s done her exams.”

He leans back on the couch, arms spread over the back and sighs as he studies me. “Yeah of course. I should’ve thought of that. You’re always good at that stuff. She’s gonna be gutted.”

I nod. Not sure what to say to that.

“So you’ll be out on Saturday yeah?” He asks after a while. It seemed both of us had a lot on our minds. But his question stings a little.

“Yep. I’m off for most of the week so I’ll just pack things up. Uhm, with Josie and whatnot I guess we’re still acting like a couple? Will that be weird?”

“Yeah. It will be but we’ve got no other option.”

“Right.” I respond. His voice grows an edge I’m not a fan of. “Well. Thanks for letting me stay here. If you need anything else I guess you can grab it now.”

I want to ask how he’s doing, who he’s staying with, and just hold his face one last time to really remember. But his cold apathy grows like frostbite over the room and creeps into my heart. I always thought where there was love there would always be love but I’m not as sure tonight.

I stay busy and when I can’t sleep at night; I map out a dream, an exit plan home. I write up my resignation letter, I look at flights and rentals and talk things out with my family, I cancel wedding and couple shit, and grieve a fair bit.

On Friday afternoon, my only formal shift this week, I head to Harry’s with an anxious weight in my chest and a buzz in my head from the hope. Hope that this chapter of my life could end soon, and I can head home and recuperate and plan out what my life was going to look like.

Harry’s on a call when I get in. He spares me a glance but I head to the office with my stack of mail. Today was mostly for some housekeeping/admin but I hope to avoid Harry for the most part like I’ve done since that night. My letter sits like a bar of gold in my bag.

I hear him move about the flat. I restock some pantry items, and we speak as little as possible. Going with him to his meeting was my final task for today so I decide it’s a good time to hand in my letter.

I find him sitting in the studio, tapping a pen against the table.

“Mr. Styles?”

“Hm?” He drags his eyes away from his screen to look at me.

“So we’re heading to your meeting in 10. Before then I just wanted to hand this in.”

The envelope stays outstretched in my hand and he eyes it, not taking it.

“What is that?”

“Can you just take it?” I shake it a little, like a bag of treats for a puppy.

His muscles move one inch every ten seconds, that’s how slow he is to sit up in his seat and finally take the letter from my hands. I almost let out a big sigh of relief. The process was finally in place.

“What is it?” He asks again, tearing the corner and down the side like he usually did.

I wait for him to unfold the thirds before answering, “my resignation letter.”

His eyes scan the sheet left to right right to left and when he looks up at me it’s hard to say what he’s thinking.

“Is this a joke?”

“No? Obviously not? I’m handing in my 3 weeks. I’ll also email a copy to Jeff and you.”

“Why are you doing this?” He stands, his tall frame rigid.

“Why? Because I’m…I’m quitting? I think I’ve learned everything I could here a-and it’s time to move on.”

By here I don’t mean working for Harry Styles and co but just here as in London. I’ve learned a fuck ton of life lessons here, and it was time to process them elsewhere.

“Is this to get back at me somehow? I don’t understand,” the papers crinkle in his fist as he grips it tighter. “Do you want a raise? Can we talk about this?”

“No.” I say and even though there’s so much more I could say I think that sums up my answer.

He looks puzzled, then annoyed. Just then my phone buzzes. The car was downstairs.

I grab my laptop and we head down. I was coming along to take minutes and then head home. In the car I reassure Harry,

“I plan on wrapping things up in the next three weeks and making sure everything is set up for an easy transition. I’ll leave continuity notes and reach out to people I regularly communicate with to break the news. The next couple months are pretty easy anyway coming out of tour and going on holiday so there should be plenty of time for the new PA, whoever your hire, to catch up.”

He doesn’t say a word. It reminds me of our first drive to the studio together. How naïve I was. How things changed.

He continues staring out the window, resting his face on his fist. I remember my teeth dragging over that jaw. I blink the image away; this was why I had to go.

When we get to Graham’s office Harry tells Jeff, “we don’t need minutes.”

Jeff looks over at me for answers and I shrug. I guess I came here for no reason but at least I had my laptop to work.

“Uh y/n please come i-“

“She’s fine working out there,” Harry cuts Graham off. Graham looks offended, his gaze drawing between Harry and I. Again, I shrug. I wasn’t leaving today I don’t know why he was acting like it.

For the next hour or so I sit at a spare cubicle and do just as I said in the car. I type out lists for upcoming interviews and studio days. I send emails for information to note for whoever the poor person was to replace me.

I had been keeping the Dos and Don’ts updated over the last year and it feels like a baby the way it came together with so much thought. I was almost sad to part with it.

Nobody tells me the meeting is over. The door simply opens and Harry breezes past.

“I’ll be in the car.” He mutters. Any faster and I would have to hold down the papers around me.

When he’s gone beyond sight, I turn back to the open door.

“What’s the matter with him?” I hear Graham asking inside.

“You keep pushing him,” Jeff responds with irritation. “That’s not his brand Graham.”

“Well that’s a different tune. Prior to this you were singing my praises with these new ideas.”

“I don’t know. Something’s been up with him for…a while-“

“Since that article isn’t it?” Graham references the Harry Styles slander when we were in Spain. Little did they know other things had also happened.

“We dealt with that article.”

Shit, I think. Has he been any different? I think I was keeping too much distance from him to notice.

“Y/n,” my name snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Mhm?” I’m beckoned to the meeting room. “Yes?”

“Find out what’s wrong with him. Or better yet just convince him to be a bit more alive at his last show tomorrow with his usual charm? He hasn’t been his full capacity the last few shows has he?”

Shit. “Um. Burnout?”

The two men look at each other. They make a face like that couldn’t possibly be why. I tell the men what they want to hear, that I’d try to find out and get him back to his charming self (yuck) before joining Harry in the car.

“Jeff and Graham aren’t all that happy with you,” I say when we start driving. Harry was giving me a lift home. “They’re insisting you do it right at your final tomorrow. Be your charming self.”

He grunts in response, head facing the window again. Was he allergic to look forward in the car or something?

“Are you coming?” He asks after a good ten minutes of silence.

“Tomorrow?”

“Mhm.”

“Yeah. I gave my extra tickets to…my fiance,” my brain fumbles my words as it remembers what he was and now is. And the lie I had to keep up. “And his sister and her friend.”

He just nods in acknowledgement, somehow stonier.

When the car pulls up to my familiar building I thank his driver and begin my shimmy out but Harry puts a hand to my knee to stop me. His touch sears right through my stockings and he must feel it too because he slides his hand back.

“Answer this,” he looks at me for the first time tonight. Wow, this really did feel like my first week on the job.

“Sure,” I reply.

“Is it because of that night?”

It’s the first time it’s been mentioned, and his gaze burns brighter than a forest fire. It’s mesmerizing and I can’t look away.

Wait, he wanted an answer.

“It’s because of a lot of things,” I answer truthfully.

He clenches his jaw. Leans back in his seat. The seatbelt reverses to hold him in place again and he’s no longer looking at me. I take that as my cue to go.

***

Josie bursts into the flat dressed to the nines in a groovy floral jumpsuit and boas in her hand. “Don’t worry. I have one for each of us.”

Her friend trails behind her in an equally 70s inspired look.

“That’s what you’re wearing?” Josie judges her brother’s hoodie and jeans. “You’re lowering the vibe Gray do better. Y/n? Why didn’t you brief him?”

“I did!” I eye Gray. “Don’t blame me.”

This was way more awkward than I thought. Or I really was not as good of an actress as I wished.

“What am I supposed to wear?” Gray asks. “I’m not wearing a jumpsuit.”

Josie rolls her eyes. “Y/n please drag him back and find a decent tee or something?”

“Yes ma’am,” I take Gray by the arm and take him back.

“This is kinda weird hey?” I whisper when we close the door.

“I don’t really like it either,” Gray scratches his head. “But it’s for the best.”

I nod and then louder announce, “Well it’s Jo’s night so find something a tad more retro?”

We end up with a red tee and find a belt to tie the look. Josie hugs her brother with thanks when she sees it.

I had on a pair of black bellbottoms paired with a blank tank. My hair was in spacebuns and Josie plucks a few boa feathers to accessorize my hair. It’s cute.

We head off and I have to make a conscious effort to remember my mannerisms with Gray before all this. I feel woozy while I slide my hand into his on the ride there, as Josie snaps our pics on her disposable, as she tells us to get one of us where Gray’s kissing my cheek and she’ll save it to show our kids. It makes me sick.

He keeps an arm on my waist as we walk. I want this night to be over so bad but every time I look Josie’s way I perk back up a little. I wanted her to enjoy this.

And she does. I’m sure she’s lost her voice by the end of the concert. At one point we drift away a little and breathe easier to drop the act but when she’s back Gray wraps his arms around me from behind and we act like a happy couple. Again, I felt sick.

Being in Gray’s arms held none of the spark it used to. I just feel awkward and sad.

At one point Harry looks my way, I don’t know how he spotted me in such a big crowd. It’s between songs and he looks at the group I’m with. I give a pathetic wave and he nods ever so slightly, his gaze sliding off soon after. Gray’s arm tightens around my shoulder and my heart gives a squeeze in response. I’m reminded: this era was ending.

The band told me to meet them backstage at the end, to join in on the final-show celebration. Josie and Gray would wait at a local pub and with the way Josie’s Instagram stories were glowing I could imagine her sitting there uploading it all.

“I couldn’t have done it without any of you,” I catch Harry saying as I slip behind stage with my pass. “I know I’ve not been the easiest to be with but you all sit in my heart. This is our Euro tour, concluded.”

Somebody pops bubbly and I congratulate the whole team as they drink. They insist on going out for proper drinks and I’m denied not going. They tell me to invite my guests to party with them and I know, based on where we were going, Josie was going to flip.

Juniper, a club that gets us all in on Harry’s face card, is opulent and lively on the inside. Josie is buzzing about with her friend—Gray had opted to go home, claiming he had early morning sessions. Josie didn’t think twice about him, but we pretended to go back and forth with a final warning from Gray to Josie to behave.

“He’s a broody one,” Charlie comments on Gray as we chatter while we get drinks. “Sister?”

“Yeah. Doesn’t know yet though so,” I put my finger to my lip.

“So no Barcelona dancing tonight?” Sarah teases. I laugh and tell them to keep me tamed. “We gotta do some shots with the team though where is everyone?”

We gaze around the room and manage to get everyone together. After one round of shots and another that Harry forced on all of us I feel the tension I’ve been carrying with me most days slide away.

We end up sticking together as a group and dance together, laughing and cheering each other on. Even Harry’s in a cheery mood—I suspect the alcohol. I catch him watching me at one point and when I raise my brow he takes my hand and spins me in a friendly twirl. I trip on my wide-legged pants and he catches me from behind. With my back to his chest I have the urge to turn around and kiss him and feel the peculiar comfort I had received from him before. That thought drives me away from him again. Despite the tight knit group there’s too much between us to even attempt being close.

I call it quits when Josie finds me and announces she was going home. I hug the newfound family I had made over the last few months one final goodbye, knowing I might never see them together like this again.

***

Jeff’s reaction to my news surprises me the most. He’s visibly upset and tries to sell me anything to stay. I tell him there was nothing to keep me at my job but I would rely on him for a good reference. I think it’s the first time he’s ever reassured me.

Between Harry and I it remains curt. Sometimes even edgy. I post my own job replacement and Jeff keeps me updated on potential candidates. By the time my last week rolls around I’m host to a roil of emotions.

The first week homeless, Charlie had let me crash on her couch and promised not to say a word to anyone. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome and so I had checked into a hotel and called it home for now.

I’m on my way back home to the hotel after being at Gray’s. We’d invited Josie over for dinner now that her exams were over and she’d been suspicious from the start.

We had told her the truth and she refused to believe it, hurt and betrayal in her eyes as she looked at me and realized she had been kept in the dark for the last week. I felt worse then, than I did when Gray and I called it quits.

I promised her a lunch together this week to talk more. Just because I was out of Gray’s life didn’t mean I had to be out of hers. I thought I could also tell her then that I was leaving to go back home.

On my second last day at work, Harry sends me on an errand near the end of the day. When I get back there’s a small group of friendly and familiar faces waiting to surprise me. I’m touched by the gesture, and I try to corner Harry to say thank you but it feels he avoids me at every chance, always in a larger crowd.

I finally catch him while I’m heading out of the bathroom and he’s heading down the hall.

“Oh hey,” I step in his way. He looks cornered. “I just wanted to say thanks for throwing this.”

“Yeah,” he gestures it was nothing. “It was Jeff’s idea.”

Ouch. I hide the sting. “Well. Thanks regardless.”

He nods, staying mute, but his eyes speak a thousand words—just none that I can read. They stay trained on me, communicating whatever.

Slowly the furrow between his brows eases and the sharp edges of his face give way to a softened expression. I’m scared to move in case I break the trance and don’t get to hear whatever his racing thoughts spit out. Just when it looks like he’s about to say something, a guest turns the corner up the hall.

“Anyone in the toilet?” It was Mitch. Damnit.

“Nope,” I step out of the way, inadvertently brushing Harry. A shiver runs up my spine and I try to act casual but he stiffens beside me. Was it that awful being around me, jeez.

I give up. If he wanted to continue staying moody, so be it. I leave to go back to the party and don’t look back.

My final days in London are hard. The same way I arrived, I go: alone and unsure of what’s ahead.

I always thought here was where I would stay forever. And maybe one day I would return but there was a little too much friction between me and the Capital.

I finish work on an unremarkable note after going through processes with the new hire, and dotting all of my i’s. Harry is nowhere to be seen and I’m gone before he gets back. I’m frustrated that he’s behaving this way but there’s also too much between us for the simple goodbye I yearn for.

I visit all of my old favourites, have one last drink at my old local pub somewhere in between Gray’s flat and Harry’s. I shed a lot of tears on my pilgrimage through the city’s veins. I promise the paved and cobblestone roads I would be back one day.

The walls of my lungs ease open on the flight home. Still, tears cascade down my face silently as the plane sleeps. Eventually I do too. When I wake the sky is filled with bright blinding sunrise, and American soil peeks out below me: I was finally home.

••••••••••••••••••••

Present (2 years on):

My heart flutters seeing Harry here, I chalk it up to anxiety. But it annoys me that despite all the distance and the growth, he still had an effect on me.

Harry’s head turns and before I can be smart about it our eyes lock. His eyebrows raise ever so slightly before his face falls into a nonchalant facade again. I don’t even want to know what my face looked like.

Then he gets the nerve to smirk, hang his head, and then grab his drink and walk towards me.

“If I had a cross I would be holding it up right now.” I have to shout a little so he hears me before he gets to me. He was an emotional vampire feeding on all of mine.

“Now why’s that?” He continues towards me. My emotions swirl through me. “I thought time heals all wounds. Why the unfriendly welcome Mrs. Duran?”

I grit my teeth at the name, he was still filled with poison. “Right, the timeless wisdom of clichés.”

“I like to think I’m pretty timeless.” He smiles.

“I’ve found that time may heal wounds, but scars make sure you never forget.”

“Well, scars aside, you look good,” he moves on and I feel like an idiot the way I was used to feeling around him.

“Of course I do.”

“What are you doing in London? Last I checked I was getting a reference check from America.”

I debate not answering him but I was trying to straddle the line between indifference and confidence. It was like walking a tightrope.

“I’m in London for a little while,” I give vaguely.

“Ah,” he smiles and damnit I forgot how handsome he could be. How handsome could then turn into seductive so quickly. I had to remember: Still a devil. “Are you looking for a new employer? Because I could be hiri-“

“No.” I cut him off. “I finally have a job I love so I’m good.”

Something flickers in his eyes but surprisingly he stays quiet.

“What are you doing here? At The Violinist?” I ask. I sort of wish I still had a drink in my hand, they feel awkward and clunky and I want to avoid playing with my hair. Gah. “Global star drinks alone at his local bar?”

He laughs but I can tell I hit a minor nerve. “Here I’m just a local. Always have been—it’s nice to be anonymous for a little bit.”

I roll my eyes. I didn’t believe that for a second. He loved his fame and everything that came with it.

Plus I used to come here all the time, I would’ve known if my employer was a local too. He was lying for some reason.

“Mr. Styles if there’s one thing I remember about you, you’d choose death over anonymity.”

“Firstly,” he leans in and I get a whiff of his usual cologne with a hint of malt. “A person can change a lot. So maybe you don’t know me as much as you think you do-“

“Oh I don’t think anyone can change that drastically in only a year-“

“You seemed to have.”

His words take mine out of my mouth. I hadn’t changed, not really. I’d always been this y/n but the further I got away from him the more reassured I had gotten being that y/n.

“And secondly,” he continues before I could think of a response. “You no longer work for me. Harry is fine.”

The smile he throws me is almost sweet if I didn’t know the cruelty that could hide underneath. I don’t return the smile, I only raise my brow and look back down at my phone. My cell service hasn’t gotten any better and I’d missed the wifi password.

I could connect to Harry’s wifi, ask him so that I could order an uber.

I’d rather van gogh my ear.

I weigh all my options and consider the last one again. I look up to see what Harry was doing in the silence and find him looking at me. A shiver runs up my spine as our eyes clash. So much history and words unspoken fall in between. A very specific night flashes through my mind. I wonder if it does him because he looks down first. Damn.

“So I’ve gotta get going,” I say.

“Let me buy you a drink.” He says at the same time.

He laughs awkwardly and repeats, “One drink?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“We’re not drinking buddies.” I pull my purse to my chest, wanting to hop off this stool and run home if I need to. Put as much distance between myself and this man that was put on this earth to confuse me.

“Then what are we y/n?” He asks, his voice silky smooth as he leans in. The voice that whispered sweet nothings into my ear in my worst nightmares, nightmares of cotton sheets and heated limbs, of passion and shame.

“Ex-employer,” I point to him. I point to myself, “Ex-employee.”

“Exes have drinks together,” he grins full well knowing the double meaning.

“Never ends well,” I eye the door.

“Just as stubborn as I remember.”

“And you were saying people change?” I raise my brow.

He drops the smile and sighs, “I’m not gonna be able to convince ya am I?”

I shake my head. He should know that by now.

“Can I walk you out at least?”

I shrug, couldn’t hurt.

“What is this?” I ask as he opens the door for me.

“What?”

“This? Why are you trying to be so friendly?”

“I thought we could be friendly exes.”

And when did he get so cheeky.

“Something weird is going on,” I watch him stay in step with me as I walk up. With no service I was going to take the tube. “And I don’t like it.”

“Nothing weird is going on don’t get all paranoid on me.”

“Don’t call me paranoid! You never call a woman paranoid.”

“I thought that was conspiracy theorists?”

“Nooo. You’re being weird.”

"Alright, no need to get all Freudian on me. Just trying to be a decent human here."

I shake my head, somehow in our exchange my face had decided it was okay to smile. To forget what he put me through and remember instead that when things were good between us we actually got along.

Damnit. The devil knew how to play tricks. I wipe the smile off my face while he continues walking with me.

“So…what have you been up to?” He asks.

“Working, you know me.” I say after trying to figure out what his angle was but unable to find one.

“Oretta Smith I hear, how did you manage that?”

“I’m just that good Harry,” I say. His name is weird in my mouth. Sure I called him that in my head but I usually used Mr. Styles. I can tell he feels the same with his quick glance my way.

“How do you like that?”

“Yeah, she’s a great employer like I said. Very professional. Lots of flexibility.” Each praise is a knock to his ego. But it was all true, plus with Winnie joining the team I had a friend my age that felt great.

But there was also a darker side called burnout that I barely admitted to myself. Ever since we landed in London and I had time to orient my new self in a city that molded my old self, I felt the familiar singe of purposeless. But I keep it to myself of course.

“Great.” Harry responds curtly. “What about yourself? How’s your life, are you finally married?”

My instinct is to raise my defences and chew him out, he must know Gray and I were done what with me living in the States.

And yet, when I peer past the defences and take a long hard look at him I realize he is asking earnestly and without another angle.

We’re nearing the tube now. I hesitate in lying or telling the truth.

“We broke up,” I choose to confess. I peek at him and he looks surprised, even sorry.

“I didn’t know. Sorry.”

“I’d hope not,” I reply. “Otherwise you’d be an asshole calling me Mrs. Duran.”

He huffs an awkward laugh.

“Anyway this is me—

“I can give you a ride home—wherever that is right now?” He asks.

We’re stood in front of the glass doors. There’s not a lot of people this time of night. And as tempting as his offer was, the way he looks at me right now sends poisonous butterflies to my stomach and I think it’s best I get home for the big day tomorrow and not make any regrets.

“I’m not too far,” I lie. I point a thumb to the doors behind me. “I’m just gonna…”

“Yeah. Yeah right.” He’s awkward, which is a first. He clears his throat and stuffs his hand into his pocket. I watch him with a removed sort of curiosity. Eventually he coughs out his question. “How long are you in London for?”

“A few weeks,” I reply.

He finally meets my eyes again—and there goes my stomach. He was supposed to have zero effect on me, I was supposed to stay mad at him. Why was my body betraying me? Why did it continue to loop memories from that night and remind me of the things he whispered in the dark?

“A few weeks,” he murmurs back.

His gaze travels over my face openly, no longer holding back the barely-hidden expressions from before. Because I told him Gray and I weren’t a thing? Because I was entertaining whatever bullshit this was?

“Yep,” I nod. Awkward. Nervous. Cautious.

“My number’s the same,” his eyes snap back to mine. “If you want to go for that drink later.”

“Harry,” I try to break it to him another way. I wish I could just say I never want that drink. “I don’t think-“

“Don’t think,” he cuts me off. He laughs when I furrow my brows. “I mean, I’m right here for most of the next few weeks. When you feel like you want to have that drink just give me a call. Or text.”

Why, I want to ask him. Why, after all this time, after everything that happened? And it’s like he reads my mind in the silence.

“I know you left on a pretty poor note.” He shuffles his feet. “I know a lot of that was my fault. I apologize for that. Um, but I did enjoy having you around. You were excellent at your job and…you are missed. Even Jeff remembers you fondly. Which is saying something.”

This was some sort of prank. Or Harry had gotten so famous he now had a doppelgänger roaming the streets as him. It couldn’t be that Harry, my Harry, would say something so sentimental and so…genuine.

“So uh yeah, I would love to see you again while you’re in town.” He says when I don’t respond.

“Right.” I choke out.

He shrugs when I can’t bring myself to say anything more. “We do change, whether you believe it or not y/n.”

I swallow, hoping to lubricate my vocal cords and find my voice. “I-I really do have to go.”

Crestfallen, he nods. His hand comes up to touch my elbow. “Yeah ‘course. Just…think about it?”

I look down at his hand and he lets go, we stay in another bubble of silence. His eyes flicker down to my lips and I feel a wave of warmth as I try not to do the same.

“Goodnight,” I blurt and get to the other side of the glass doors. He watches me go.

On the escalator down I risk a glance back and he’s still there, watching until I’m out of sight. That ended incredibly awkward.

Leave it up to Harry to confuse me in coming back into my life. Damn him, he could never be consistent.

***

Waking up super early to catch the train out to Cambridge is so worth it because I get to watch Josie walk the stage and graduate with distinction wearing her famous smile that beams over the vast room.

Despite what happened with Gray and I, Josie and I have kept in touch steadily over the last year. It started as weekly facetimes which reduced down to monthly calls and have now become a steady stream of texts and memes swapped back and forth.

When she found out I’d be in London around her graduation dates she gave me no choice but to show up, sending me a ticket without asking.

I knew I’d see Gray, and a part of me was nervous and curious how that was going to go. But mostly I was grateful to still be in Josie’s life and spend time with her in person. She was the part of this life I missed most.

I’m sat somewhere in the middle of the room and Josie was smart enough not to seat me with the rest of her guests. But I know I would see everyone during photos and the dinner we were having later on. I try keep my focus on the ceremony however.

“Y/N!” Josie rushes towards me when she sees me after the ceremony. The group she departs from I recognize is a mix of her girl friends, her family, and a few others.

“Josie!” I return the same energy and she leaps into my arms. I squeeze her tight to me. “I’m soo proud of you my girl.”

We sway side to side, until we get enough hug.

“Look at you!” She exclaims when she leans back. “Your hair looks amazing and you are glowing. Please tell me you have a boy in your life.”

“No,” I laugh.

“A girl?” She asks hesitantly.

“No! I’m just…happy where I am right now! How about you look at you! You look phenomenal as per.”

“Oh thanks,” she takes the compliment and giggles. “I asked my dad to grad gift me a salon and spa visit so I am rejuvenated and blown out.”

“Aren’t you ever,” I touch a lock of her hair. “Congratulations.”

“Eek!” She squeals. “Finally finished this hellscape! I can’t wait to never write an exam again—ooh wait I want you to meet my boy…”

“So that’s why we’re actually glowing,” I tease as she tugs me towards the group. That definitely has Gray. My stomach drops the closer we get, he doesn’t seem to notice. He looks busy talking to one of Josie’s friends.

“Anyway,” she deposits me in front of a 6 foot something guy made of angles. “This is Jax. My boyfriend. We met during a Friendsgiving Myles threw last year.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jax smiles. “Y/N right?”

“Yes!”

“I was supposed to get around to that,” Josie huffs.

“Sorry she talked about you a lot when she found out you were coming. She was really excited.”

“Ugh,” she turns to me like she was embarrassed but her face is glowing. Josie was in looove.

“You two are so cute,” I tease which just makes Josie blush a little harder. “So are we getting any pictures?”

“Oh yeah,” Jax swivels his head. “Liliya has the good camera if you want to get-“

“Oh we can use our phones,” Josie cuts him off.

“No get the high res one—Liliya, camera?” Jax motions a shuttering action to the friend Gray was talking to. He’s so tall above the crowd that both look up at him and comply.

“Y/N,” Josie drags my arms back and takes me on the outskirt of the crowd. “I’m so sorry I never mentioned because I thought you wouldn’t come if I did tell you but you-“

“Y/N?”

Josie’s rushed whispers are cut short when Gray notices me and calls my name. He looks stupefied. I spare a glance to Josie and she’s paled.

She didn’t tell him.

“Hey,” I force a friendly tone. I was going to kill that girl.

“Did you all want a photo?” Josie’s friend Liliya shoulders her way back into the circle with the camera on a strap. She turns to Gray, “Babe?”

It’s an odd sensation, like all oxygen has left my lungs and they’re being squeezed as if tightened in a vice. Gray’s eyes drag away from me to his…girlfriend? Definitely not Josie’s friend.

It shakes me in the moment how much I realize I still cared, still carried a shred of hope for…something. And not consciously knowing this makes this moment feel a little like a slap in the face.

What did I think? I was going to leave this country for a year and people were going to pause where I last left them? Of course Gray’s moved on. Aside from the end he was a great partner and anybody would want that.

These thoughts race through my head in the few seconds Gray responds to his girlfriend and I look at Josie. She looks guilty as charged.

“I tried to tell you just now?” She whispers.

Deep breaths, I remind myself. You’re not the hot-headed y/n these people knew last. This day is not about you. It’s about Josie.

“It’s cool. Let’s get some photos,” I smile. “Don’t want to miss having them with you.”

She sighs but keeps her eyes on my face as we walk farther out.

“I am really sorry,” she whispers.

“Hey it’s alright,” I lie. This was the worst of it—Gray had moved on, had a great girlfriend, and I was living the life I wanted. No harm and no foul. “Honestly Jo I get it, you wanted me here reallllly bad.”

“I did!” She says. “But I’m also gonna kill Jax.”

I laugh and we straighten up when we realize the camera was already pointed at us. Josie flashes her degree and a few of her friends join the pictures too. We hustle back to Gray to see them and flipping back on the first few makes my breath catch in my throat. There’s one in particular where Josie is turned to me talking and my mouth is in a big grin because I’m laughing.

I catch eyes with Gray in an uncomfortably intimate second.

“Send me that one for sure wow Gray that’s a really good shot.”

“Oh wow,” his girlfriend peers over. “That’s a great candid.”

“Yeah,” I agree. I’d love a copy too. And of course that’s when Gray’s girlfriend notices me and introduces herself.

“I don’t think we’ve met—is that an American accent I detect?”

“It is,” I smile. “I’m Y/N.”

“Oh!” Two spots of pink appear on her face. It seems she’s heard of me. “Well it’s nice to meet you—nice that Josie invited you! I’m Liliya but Lily works too.”

“C’mon!” Josie interrupts the awkward by grabbing her brother’s arm and pushes him in the direction of where her friends are posing for photos. He takes some shots but Josie hates the look of them and gives the camera to Lily instead.

With just Gray and I left behind it grows very awkward.

“I thought Josie told everyone I would be-“ I say just as he says, “I didn’t realize you would be-“

We stop and chuckle awkwardly.

“Sorry,” I shake my head.

“No,” he shrugs. “It’s cool. It’s cool you’re here actually.”

“Okay,” is all I can say. Until the awkward silence stretches. “So…Liliya?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Liliya. You?”

I want to lie, but I shake my head. “No. Sorta needed the year to breathe a little.”

“Fair. How’s America?”

“Oh y’know, still super-sized and politically a guessing game.”

“Have you turned on our news while you’ve been down at all?” He raises a brow. I laugh because he was right. It was all a shitshow everywhere.

He asks me about my family as Josie jogs up to us.

“Okay, tell me the truth is my hair going flat?”

“No,” I look behind her where her friends are hovering over Lily and the camera going over their photos.

“Good. Where’s mum and dad?” Josie asks Gray. “Dad was just here 10 minutes ago he said he’d come by for—oh there’s mum! Look!”

We turn to where she points. Michelle—what I’ve always called Gray’s mom, spots her daughter at the same time and waves. She starts to walk towards us.

It’s nice to see her but I also feel a bit nervous; going cold turkey on relationships you only had because of an ex are always weird to come back to. Especially ones you were fond of.

“Mum! You’re missing all the pictures!” Josie says. “Where’ve you been!?”

“I just saw somebody I knew back from my first job as a librarian can you believe that?” Michelle says as she joins the group.

“Crazy. Well mum look who got to show up today! Isn’t that crazy too?”

Michelle looks at me and the bright smile that was intended for her daughter dies like a flower in overnight frost. The look wipes the anticipation off my face.

“Who?”

That one word shades the sun from the sky and brings forth a gust of western winds through the group.

“Mum,” Josie look between me, her mum, and Gray. She’s confused. “Y/N?”

“Hey Michelle,” I croak. Maybe my hair was too different for her to recognize me, or maybe she had early onset alzheimers. Surely this woman who I’ve had a better relationship with than her own son has wouldn’t be treating me like your worst frenemy at your high school reunion.

But Michelle looks right through me. I can’t explain how it feels, not in the moment. I’m gutted, and feel an unexplainable wave of sadness.

“Mum…” Josie sounds hurt and Gray finally decides to swoop in.

“Mum let’s check out the photos we took already. We gotta get some of the three of us.”

They walk away and I feel seven inches tall but I turn to Josie with a brave face and face her teary one.

“That was kind of awkward,” I downplay.

“Y/N I’m honestly so sorry I-,” Josie blinks rapidly.

“No it’s ok!”

“I don’t know why she acted like that-“

“Hey It’s natural for her to feel that way I’m alright don’t get upset-“

“It’s not alright though! That was such a…she never acts like that.”

It was true. Michelle was a free-spirit as she called herself. That’s why Gray had such a hard relationship with her; in his words, she was too emotional and ungrounded for him.

Yet apparently, she was able to find enough ground to stand on when it came to treating me like a nobody. I wonder if it’s because she heard Gray’s biased side of the story or she was hurt herself—still, the way she’s always talked about herself never struck me as someone who would believe a one-sided story. Or be a bitch to someone they previously called their daughter. It hurt like a mofo.

I didn’t want Josie to find out this way, here of all places, that her mom was just human after all. She idolized that woman.

So even though it hurt, I comfort her instead.

“She probably just feels betrayed by me leaving and stuff since we were close too. Imagine if Jax broke up with you and she gave him the cold shoulder—wouldn’t you feel justified?”

Josie scrunches her brows to think about the simplified story I’ve just fed her to feel better. I can tell it still doesn’t sit well with her but she nods in acceptance, “I guess.”

“Yeah, just forget it Josie. Plus you’ve got pictures to take so dry those eyes.”

“Shit I know,” she blinks some more. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to invite you here and twist the knife at every bloody turn.”

“Jo I’m honoured to get to be here and see all your hard work pay off. Don’t worry about anything else.”

“It’s unfair,” she says before she drifts to her group of friends. “I feel like nobody understands how…how understanding you are. But I’m really glad we’re still in touch. And you came for me.”

Her words bring tears to my eyes and I nod, afraid that talking would bring them forward. I watch her crash her group and start instructing photo coordination. I help hold things for people while they take photos and feel like a stranger outside the crowd. If it weren’t for Josie, I think I would have regretted coming here. I feel homesick and unwanted. A tough combo.

I was supposed to crash on someone’s couch tonight and do brunch with Josie tomorrow before going back to London but from the last half hour alone I know I’m going back to the city no matter how late it gets tonight. I think of the hotel room that was home right now, of how lonely that was going to feel to go back to too.

Home right now was in America, in the same time zone as my family, and comfortable in my shared apartment with one of my high school best friends who I reconnected with after going back home. I miss it so bad. And I feel like I’ve bitten into an unripe fruit coming back to the UK before I was ready apparently. My experience feels soured.

I shake off the doom and gloom when the party breaks. We were all going to meet at the restaurant at 6–my plan was to explore the university city and find a place to kill some time in. Maybe go outside to a park with lunch. Josie tries to convince me to join her and her friends for their mid-day celebration but I lie and tell her I had some work to do.

I call Winnie on my stroll through the city. I insist she update me on last night first, and she has more to tell—the guy had a yacht and he was inviting her to a party tonight. She tells me to join if I came back early and we cross our fingers that Oretta wouldn’t need her before then.

I originally called her to rant about Michelle and Gray but I don’t, I didn’t want to kill her vibe. So I scroll through my other contacts but don’t want to worry my mom and it was too early back home to reach anyone else.

My eyes catch on Harry’s name, he was at the top of my texts currently because he sent me a link this afternoon asking me for thoughts on it. I hadn’t opened it yet, I wasn’t sure what to think about this new persona he was wearing or that he thought yesterday’s run-in went okay enough to casually message me for my thoughts.

I remember the weird electricity of yesterday and shove my phone back into my pocket.

He genuinely wanted to have a drink? And talk??

I did enjoy having you around. You were excellent at your job and you are missed.

Was he trying to make up for his cruel words? But he also seemed a lot more mellow than before. Maybe that was just because I didn’t work for him. What did he want? And was I twisted for believing the new schtick?

Most curious of all was him at the pub in the first place. He was not a local there—that was a big lie.

I try to conjure up my previous hatred, calling him the Devil in my head. But it’s harder to do. Seeing him yesterday, he was just a man standing in front of a woman with a head full of cautionary tales and bad experiences.

Without warning images from that night come back and I feel my heart flutter. I shut them down just as quick. Not all bad, my body tries to remind me. I tell it to shut up.

I’ve barely stepped foot in this country again and already my mind was running circles around my heart. How exhausting.

***

I’m early to the restaurant, before anyone else apparently. As the hostess finds my name on her floor plan Josie comes in behind me with Jax.

“Oh! Y/n you’re early!” She seems flustered.

“Yeah I didn’t think I would be,” it was only a few minutes to 6.

We make small talk while we’re led to the table, Josie’s eyes keep darting to where our table might be.

“Sorry I was hoping to do this before you came,” she says when we get there. There are name cards along the 7 seats and she picks the one in front of me. “I’m just gonna move mum to my other side so it doesn’t get weird. Which means she’ll be closer to dad but…I think he’s bailing since his girlfriend doesn’t want to do this.”

Josie shrugs, I know how she feels about her dad’s girlfriend. She begins explaining the plans she has to do dinner with her dad later this week and the more she talks the more I can tell that she feels awkward. And I hate that it’s because of me. At one point Jax and I catch eyes and pass an awkward smile.

“Josefina Duran,” I walk up to her fiddling with the name tags. She stops talking immediately. I grip her shoulders. “Thanks.”

“Sorry,” she whispers. I wrap my arms around her and she melts into me.

“Stop apologizing.”

“Sorry. I can’t help it. It’s a disease.”

We let go with a laugh and she seems more stable. “This is going to be fine.”

Famous last words.

It’s definitely not fine and very awkward. Jax ends up sitting in front of me, and even though Liliya’s name tag was beside mine it’s suddenly swapped as they slide in and Gray sits beside me. I guess it might be too awkward for her but not awkward enough to fit someone we both dated between us.

I can sense Michelle’s pinched face as she notices us sitting beside each other and I feel badly for Josie the most as she tries to play the gracious host. At one point I sense Jax laying a hand on her arm and taking over, asking Michelle questions about her yoga and getting her talking.

“Did you need more?” Gray turns to me with the wine bottle, it’s the second thing he’s said to me tonight. Otherwise he mostly just watches me talk and leans back enough when others are talking so I can be involved.

“I’m okay,” I whisper. I didn’t want to draw any attention while Michelle was talking. She hadn’t said a peep to me, even when Josie tried to involve us both in a shared memory. She continued acting like I was Casper the ghost.

I can feel Lily’s eyes on us as Gray offers wine, of course they would be. No wonder Gray barely spoke to me all night. Fuck me, what was I doing here.

Jax is a sweetheart, asking me about my job and encouraging conversation between the both of us. I’m so happy for Josie that she found a partner like him.

By the time dinner is over I mostly want to cry. I feel spent. But I also feel like I crashed an intimate dinner and everyone’s polite enough not to mention it. Despite Josie, I do actually regret coming.

As we pay the bill and shuffle out, Josie grabs my arm.

“So I have two friends where you can crash at their place or Jax can sleep over at mine and you can sleep at his or-“

“I think I’m gonna head back to the city.”

Her face falls. But it’s like she knew I was going to say that.

“Sorry Jo. I think you should come to the city next week—maybe visit your brother? And while you’re down we’ll do brunch then. I’m mostly free while I’m here. I’m just pretty tired and have to help Winnie with something tomorrow.”

“Really?” She says in the smallest voice I’ve heard out of her. Salt to my wounds.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I know we were looking forward to getting time together.”

She juts out her lip and I’m reminded of the girl I met when I first started dating Gray. How she’d taken to me so quickly. How the whole family had. How things could end up like this.

And suddenly I see the future laid out in front of me. After tonight it would be hard to keep this relationship going—Josie and I. She’s just seen her mom be an unreasonable bitch for the first time, I can tell she’s been trying to compensate all night but the cracks won’t go away. It’ll always be a sitting duck between us.

We might try to stay in touch, maybe I’d reach out if I was ever in London or if she ever visited the west coast. But this would fizzle out.

She was still young and naive enough that her mom hung the moon and stars; mom’s beliefs were gospel, her opinions were rulings, and she’d just delivered my ultimate sentence: I was a black sheep to the family. How could sweet Josie walk through a mess like that?

“I’m so proud of you,” I tell her as I fight tears. “Congratulations again and thank you for inviting me.”

“Thanks. And you don’t have to be so nice. I know it was kind of a shitty invite.”

“No,” I insist. “I loved being here. I don’t regret showing up for you. I can’t wait to hear what you get up to.”

“I’m going to make sure to make it to the city next week,” she squeezes my arm. “We’ll see each other soon.”

“Exactly,” I look over at the rest of the group, where her boyfriend waits for her. Her family. “And I really like Jax, so good on you for that.”

“He…” she twists her lips, swallowing what she was going to say before vomiting it out. “I always aspired to have a relationship like yours and Gray’s. I never wanted to settle for anything less so that’s…that’s why Jax.”

“Hm I think you made us the bar and you leapt over it babe,” I wrap my arms around her again. I ache with the loss of what we used to be.

“See you soon,” she says before she drags herself back to the group.

I stand off to the side, awkwardly ordering an Uber. The group begins to walk the opposite way waving bye to me. I breathe easier without the weight of them around.

As I tap my foot in anticipation of the ride to the station arriving, I feel a hand tap my shoulder.

“Y/n,” it’s Gray. “Hey I…I just wanted to say something before you left.”

“Oh. Hey yeah. Shoot.”

What was it with everyone wanting to say something to me.

“Uh…ok give me a minute,” he laughs in the way I know to mean he was feeling nervous. “I just sort of jogged back impulsively.”

“Yeah well you have,” I glance at my phone. “4 or so minutes.”

“Damn,” he ruffles his hair. “Alright. I think I just wanna say sorry.”

“Oh.” That was it. Everyone had something to say to me and the something was apparently sorry.

“Yeah I’m sorry. I…when we broke up I was so upset and caught up in my own head. I blamed you for everything. I think it only hit me when you just up and moved out of the country how things actually went down.”

I hadn’t told anyone but Josie that I was leaving.

“Yeah you were just like gone.” He continues. “I guess a part of me thought we’d get some space, maybe circle back later…”

“You really betrayed me,” I remind him.

But even I know what he means. He hurt me bad and it might be crazy stupid but on some level we were both aware we were in an ugly place and maybe with some space we might come back to the place that was good for us again. Maybe bump into each other one day, strike up a conversation, find there might still be a small amount of love left. Enough to water and grow again.

“I know,” he sighs. “I know. I hate that I hurt you like that. I regret…I actually don’t really hang out with that group of friends as much anymore. I sorta have myself to blame but I didn’t like who I was with them.”

I listen, letting him speak. It hurt too, knowing this was the Grayson I had fallen in love with. Kind and supportive, and now apparently he’s learned to communicate. Maybe that was a Lily thing.

“I guess,” he blows the air out of his cheeks. “I want to say I’m really truly sorry. I missed you a lot after you left. Nothing was the same and life was fucking hard. I wish things didn’t end the way they did and I stayed mature but I was just jealous and angry.”

I nod to acknowledge what he’s saying and watch him take a breath to continue.

“And I always appreciated how you never let us shake your relationship with my sister because she bloody loves you—I don’t think how mum treated you was right today but I never really understood her in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

“Yeah,” is all I can manage without making it obvious how emotional this was all making me. How one year could make me feel like a completely different person. How this man I loved, and still love in some way, could stand in front of me talking about us as something in the past. Because we were. Long past.

My phone dings with a notification that my ride would be here. We glance down and out into the street.

“Anyway,” he swallows. “I just wanna apologize. And say I genuinely hope you find love y/n. Love that’s as fierce and loyal as you are. I hope you can forgive me one day. And I hope you’re successful as hell in whatever you pour yourself into.”

“Thank you Gray,” I want to say I was sorry too. For what it was worth. But my car pulls to the curb.

I wave at the driver to let them know I’d ordered it and we walk the few feet to the back door.

I face Gray and open my mouth to say it. Say something more: how I appreciated his words, how I was sorry for how things ended too, how I hope he is happy. But nothing comes out of my mouth. I just stare at him, my eyes welling with tears instead.

Gray holds out his hand and I look down at it. I knew those hands well and it’s like walking into a place you used to frequent in the past and have memories rush towards you as you remember: those hands held me and wrapped around my own and comforted me, they made me food and stroked my hair, and carried my bags when they got too heavy. They once wore an engagement band I gifted, they once held a small box with a life-changing question I had said yes to.

Now it was just a hand.

I clasp it and he squeezes.

“I know,” he says, his eyes trained on my watery ones. He squeezes again and lets go.

I rush into the car, those two words nearly cracking me in half. I wave goodbye through the tinted window and feel a wave of despair that pulls me down into the depths of darkness.

Too much was happening at once.

My emotions spiral out of me and I feel alone in this foreign country; I needed comfort where none could be found.

I don’t mean to. Or maybe I do. But on the train back to London I text Harry: is it too early to cash in on the drink?

His response is immediate: no, I was waiting for this text last night

I smile, despite myself.

Can I come over? I text with shaking hands.

H: For drinks?

Y: For drinks

H: Ofc.

***

The taxi drops me in front of the familiar building. I feel an echo of anxiety pierce through me as I go through the familiar doors. I nod at the concierge, the night replacement was new and I’m grateful nobody can recognize me making this potentially stupid decision.

For a brief second I wonder if Harry had other plans tonight but decide not to overthink it. He’d invited me openly. And maybe I was making a decision based on sadness and loneliness and grief and needing to be wanted but I make it. And I would make it like a grown woman—ready to accept the consequences.

I didn’t want to go back to my lonely hotel room. I didn’t want to call anyone and talk about what just happened. I didn’t have words. My body was taking the beating, feeling everything under the sun and now bruised and battered for it. I just wanted my body to forget that. And there was only one person in this godforsaken city that could help.

I’m let up to the penthouse and I forgot it had a distinct smell, wood-like and something indescribable. Weird that it felt comforting.

“You made it,” Harry comes into view in a simple pair of shorts and a long-sleeved white tee pushed up to his elbows. It’s the sleeves that really do it.

“I did.”

I leave my bags beside the elevator next to the umbrella stand, keeping my eyes on him. He doesn’t take his off mine either. I’m glad he doesn’t. Now I know he knows we both said drinks but meant something more.

He reaches out for me before I even get to him, and I know I would think about that later. A lot. But right then in the middle of his entryway I wrap my arms around his neck and lean up on my toes to reach him too.

His lips are soft against mine and he tucks me into him, his hand splayed out on my lower back. It feels like a return to a lover, someone who knows you, like I would’ve thought seeing Gray again would feel. But it’s just Harry, and the thought of baseless familiarity freaks me out a little.

The next time I feel his lips they’re on my jaw and neck and down to the base of my throat. He murmurs my name as he makes his way down and my body reacts immediately. He takes me by the waist and backs me up against the nearest wall, and I have a feeling I might fall.

I had made the conscious decision to walk into the devil’s lair because it was the only place I could get what I needed.

My fingers dig into his shoulders. My body wants this. Every part of me wants to pull him close and hold him and never let go. I wanted all of it tonight.

But I am so tired.

I put a hand on his chest and press gently. I can feel the warmth of his skin, the firmness of his muscles and the beat of his heart as he pauses.

“Sorry, I should have started with a hello. That was too fast was it?” He whispers, looking me straight in the eyes.

I have a million answers, but nothing comes. He puts his hand over mine and I feel it as a shiver runs up my spine.

"Is this too fast?" he asks again, and I hear the worry in his voice.

I shake my head.

He gives a breathy laugh, "Then tell me."

"I think I-“

“Don’t,” he covers my mouth with a laugh. “Please please. Don’t think.”

I smile under his palm and he drops his hand, I can tell he’s proud of lightening the moment by the sheen in his eyes. The moment is tender in a way that takes me back.

He brushes back my hair and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes, breathing in his cologne.

“That’s not where I want to be kissed,” I tell him.

“Then where?” He plays along.

“Anywhere but there.”

He kisses my nose. “There?”

“Not there,” I open my eyes to look up at him. “I’ll have you know that was very snotty just an hour ago.”

He groans, “you really have a way of taking the desire out of a situation.”

But his brows furrow and he watches me even closer.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I respond to his unasked question.

With that statement he takes a painful step back and I nearly slide down the wall without his support.

“What?” I ask.

“We should take that drink first.”

I feel the loss of his body pressed against mine, I realize miserably.

“What do you mean? I thought the drinks were just an excuse?” I ask.

He laughs a little, “Maybe tonight, but I really did want to have a drink with you. And talk.”

“Harry,” I groan. “I’m all out of talking tonight. Truly.”

“As much as I want to say forget talking and take you to bed I need to do this…just follow me,” he leads me and my flushed body through to the main living area which I was well familiar with but it’d gotten a facelift. I make commentary on the changes and he tells me more about it as he pulls a wine he wants out for us.

“I changed things around a little after you left,” he says as he hands me the wine glass. “I needed it. The change.”

“Oh.” Is all I can muster. I follow him to the sofa, tonight he doesn’t leave as much space between us but it still feels like a weird parallel to the night I landed in the hospital; a confrontation with Gray leading me to wine with Harry. “Look Harry I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Why not?”

“I…I’m at minimal capacity right now I just-“

“Just let me talk then.”

“Why does everyone want to talk!”

“I need to tell you what I should have said a long time ago and I want to apologize-“

“You already did-“

“Properly.”

I cross my arms and sigh.

“Y/n bloody hell I forgot how quickly you can get under my skin.”

“So this isn’t a great thing then.”

“Y/N,” he says my name like a warning and I want to comply. I roll my eyes and knock back my glass of wine, the buzz from the glass at dinner has long since worn away.

“Part of me wants to top you up but another part remembers what happened last time.” Harry eyes me.

“No I’m okay with just one glass. Drinking when I’m upset doesn’t end well.”

“Yeah…I don’t want you concussed on my watch again.”

“No we don’t want that,” we smile at each other, a soft and sentimental smile that gets the anxious stuttering of my heart to calm down a little. He just wanted to talk, so what?

But the anxious voice runs through the scenarios he might want to—his recent text, or something I did as his PA he wants to take up now. Gah.

“I really have missed having you around,” he says softly.

“Didn’t feel like you would with how you treated me.” I raise my brow.

“I know.” He pauses then mumbles something before talking to me directly. “You must have heard about the PA before you? Maybe from Riley?”

“Kind of.”

“Kind of?”

“Hmmm this feels like a trick question.” I say but he tells me he just wants to know what I knew. So I rip the bandaid off. “You had a fling with her.”

He hangs his head back over the seat of the sofa and sighs. “I knew that piece of…Riley makes me really mad when I think about him sometimes.”

“Does he?” I raise my brow. “I can think of someone else who makes me madder.”

“I know that’s supposed to be me. And I don’t know what to do about that except come clean right now.”

“And why is that?” I ask. “Coming clean? I came here just to get distracted in bed with you. I never thought I’d live to see the day where a guy like you wants to talk instead.”

“Y/N,” he says with such an intense look my way my stomach flips. “Trust me. I want to have you in my bed more than you do. But I told myself if that day ever somehow happened it would be after this.”

I shrug, let him continue. In reality his words make me weak and I can’t speak. Which kind of annoys me—why did he have such a strong pull over me? How did he so easily admit he’s thought about me, about having me in his bed!?

My heart flutters amongst other things.

I remember a brief conversation I had with my mom last year when she asked me why I wasn’t putting myself out there and dating again and I told her I just didn’t have the heart for it. She had said it seems I left my heart in London—my passion and my heart. Sitting here with Harry stirs something inside of me, scares me, and I want to distract that with more wine. But I manage to control myself.

“I was fairly new to the industry when I hired Riley and it was his second proper job or something so we were both a bit young and we ended up being friendlier than we should have.” Harry starts. “But he was great at his job and never gave me any issues. I stayed naïve that people in this industry would look out for my best interest-“

“That’s really naïve,” I can’t help but comment but he throws me a look and I zip my lips. “Sorry.”

“I was lucky that the first few relationships I built as I got my foot in the door were genuine but I realized too late that it wasn’t a norm. Everyone wanted a piece of me and they all wanted me to be someone else. Some angle. Shit hit the fan pretty quickly. So when I needed more help I decided to create a new role for Riley and hire a PA. She was seasoned and came highly recommended.”

I nod along to his story.

“Long story short, she started out good but she kept trying to get me alone and get me talking. And back then after being friends with my old PA I didn’t have the wisdom of setting boundaries—don’t give me that look.”

“What!” I raise my hands. “I’m just listening.”

“You’re judging me.”

“Just continue,” I encourage. I was judging a little.

“Anyway, where I thought we were just friendly she thought I—I dunno I was falling for her or something. And one night she was working late so she had dinner here. She kept refilling my drink I didn’t realize she wasn’t drinking as much. It’s not much of an excuse but by the time she came onto me I was pissed and it didn’t take much.”

He continues the story like it was nothing but his voice catches a little and he doesn’t look me in the eye. My insides grow colder. I want to reach inside of him and hold the old Harry, the naive one who didn’t know better.

“Please don’t feel bad for me,” he cuts my sympathy short. “I didn’t turn into a great person after that. Especially with how I treated you.”

“That’s right.” I pretend to be unaffected by his story like he wanted me to be. But it’s near impossible.

“So that’s how I decided it was best for me to play the asshole. I couldn’t fire her after that—it would look awful and she could report me and screw me over. But I could make working for me a nightmare and so I did. A few months later she quit.”

He sighs and takes a swig of his wine, “Then you came along and I thought ‘I should play the asshole from the get go.’ I had gotten good by then at compartmentalizing my personality in the industry.”

“Hmph,” I raise a brow. He has the decency to look embarrassed but he continues.

“But the more time we spent together the worse I felt. You were nothing like the previous PA. You were genuine and down-to-earth. Pretty fiery but I wouldn’t find that out until later,” he grins. I roll my eyes. “I tried to ease up a little but things kept happening to push me back into the asshole box.”

“But you were so snappy, and a dick.”

“I know. I didn’t know how to tell you you worked too hard without dropping the asshole act and making you feel even shittier.”

“What do you mean?”

“I had to be the villain in your story-“

“What?” What was he talking about?

“Yeah like, you were working all the time even though there were some times I told you to wrap it up for the day.”

I remembered that, thinking he was kicking me out.

“But you took the job so seriously. I appreciated everything you did but you were dogged at making sure you did the best at any cost.”

“What do you mean? At any cost?” I ask, a cold sensation running down my back.

“For example take that one time a few months in when I asked you to call me because you forgot to order wine. You bloody came all the way back to hand deliver it-“

“Yeah because you said to call you and you were gonna be pissed if I-“

“No, y/n,” he lays a hand between us. “I just wanted you to call to know where you usually ordered from so I could order that for myself. You weren’t in any trouble! But I could only blame myself for playing the hard asshole too well.”

I think about that night, Josie’s birthday party. How I left early and upset Gray. How I didn’t need to but I had been following the Dos and Dont’s list.

Shit, the lists. They were added onto by the last PA who, now I know, was having her life made into hell just so she would quit. Some of those lists were on an extreme I didn’t even have to follow. Fuck. That was on me.

My face must be a painting of regret because Harry apologizes again.

“I’m sorry but I didn’t want you to…I just felt like I had to play the villain so you could do what you had to do. So you could continue hating me and we could establish the clear boundary.”

“Right.” I have a bitter taste in my mouth.

“But I genuinely liked you, I thought you were funny and sensitive-“

“You don’t like my sensitivity.”

“I do. I just hated how angry you were-“

“Because of you.”

“I know. I created a monster, I’m Frankenstein.”

“Damn straight.” I agree and we pause a beat before laughing.

“Anyway,” he continues. “You were funny and sensitive and resilient, passionate and smart, and you cared so deeply. It was rare meeting people like you in this field. I wanted to wrap you in bubble wrap but I think I shattered you instead. I’m sorry for the way I just let my past colour your time here. I feel like you left because of me-“

“It was really a lot of reasons.”

“I know but I was part of that and I felt no good. After you left I was a miserable son of a bitch for a while. I couldn’t even enjoy my holiday because I kept thinking of you. I was miserable so I barely even said goodbye—I didn’t realize you were going to run away so far. But I also didn’t want to say goodbye because I was scared I would convince you to stay by spilling my truth.”

His words sit on my chest and they slowly sink down to my stomach. I don’t know what it meant, what he wanted me to do with this confession. It’s too much.

“Mostly,” he continues, shifting closer to me on the sofa. He lowers his voice, “Mostly I’m sorry about Barcelona.”

I flush at the mention of it. At the heat and passion from that night. His eyes roam my face.

“I’m not that guy. I should have treated you nicer, should have been the one to keep my patience.”

“I didn’t make it easy,” I admit.

“No,” he chuckles. “You really fucking did not.”

We smile.

“But you’re so much more than anger y/n. I could barely sleep that night, I kept regretting giving into the anger and not being slow and soft with you the way you deserve. I regret it all the time.”

His confession pulls the veil off my eyes and I see a sharper image of my past. Of everything. It all comes at once and I can’t sort through it in the moment but I know what I want to do.

I shuffle over until I’m up against Harry, I hold his face in mine and he cups my face in his hand.

“You drove me crazy,” I tell him. “Made my life hell.”

“I know. But you drove me crazy too. Nobody got under my skin like you did.”

“Same.”

His hand snakes down to my thigh and he nudges it over his lap so that I’m straddling his body. I feel vulnerable and scared—not the first time these emotions have coursed through me in this very room. But today I don’t feel powerless.

His lips are soft against my cheek, my jaw, down my neck. Unlike the first time he’s slow and deliberate like someone who’s waited so long to unwrap a cherished gift and can’t stand ripping even the gift wrap. He pushes my hair out of the way and trails his fingertips down the back of my neck.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he whispers in my ear. The more he talked the more nervous he was making me. I turn my head to capture his lips, run my fingers through his hair which is too short to really grasp. I missed his old hair.

We break apart for a breath and I can feel the tension. The desire to have him near clashing with the need to go slow. To savour this. Somehow we both feel it.

“We don’t have to do anything tonight,” Harry promises me, his finger trailing down my arm. “Just having you here is enough.”

Oh god. How did he know just the things to say. This man was way too suave. He really was the devil.

But I needed him. It’s scary to admit but I did. I wanted to be here, I really did. I needed to be in this moment with him. Fulfill some shut-out desire that had grown dusty in the corner of my heart.

“I want to do this.”

With a gentle kiss he gets us up and takes my hand. I feel myself being pulled through the living room and towards the bedroom. The sheets are cool, but not cold and when he crawls in beside me I forget that I had ever been anywhere else.

He’s attentive and deliberate and I’m buzzing with anticipation. I decide to pick up the pace, propping myself up to take off my blouse. I watch his throat bob up and down like he’s never seen me like this before even though he has. It’s endearing.

The way his hands fit in the curve of my waist makes it harder to breathe. He moves his hands up my torso and to the straps of my bra. He pauses, as if asking permission, and when I nod, he kisses me. He unhooks it and slowly slides it off my shoulders, eyes fixed on mine.

The intensity of his gaze is overwhelming.

I pull him close to kiss him again, and he pulls me under him so I can feel the full weight of him against me. This is what I needed. To be physically present and not stuck in the after tremors of the earthquakes of my past. Not that he wasn’t part of my past but this is different. A non-verbal agreement to just be present. I knew his ways with women, it could be a one-night thing and that’s what I needed.

But that’s why the moments of tenderness and adoration nearly take my breath away. I don’t know where to put these things.

He kisses down my shoulder while his hand trails down to my trousers. He hooks his finger into the belt loop and tugs gently, looking up at me for consent.

I nod.

He slowly takes them off, and when his fingers brush against my bare legs, my breath hitches.

It happens again when he presses his lips against my hip bone.

He stops for a moment, and I can almost see the cogs in his brain whirring.

He moves up to press his forehead against mine.

"I don't know how to do this right," he says quietly, and his eyes search mine.

“What do you mean?”

“This is always how I should have treated you,” he whispers. “I want you to know-“

“Harry,” I smooth out the lines on his forehead.

"No," he grabs my hand and kisses it. "I don't want you to feel like I don't care because I do. I don’t want to hurt you. I'm not good at saying these things. But I want you to know how much I value you. That I like you as a person. I respect you. I want you to be okay.”

“I-“ who was this Harry, seriously!? “I get it. I’m okay. I am.”

He smiles at me tentatively and my heart does a somersault.

I grab the back of his neck and pull him down, pressing my lips against his. I could taste the sweetness of the words he had said.

I tug at his shirt and it flies into the darkness of his bedroom. His skin is heated against mine.

It feels like an eternity before he finally reaches the band of my panties, and my heart thumps wildly.

"May I?" he looks up.

"Please," I whisper.

For the first time since I’ve met him he doesn’t make it about himself or what he needs. It’s almost intimidating how intense he is as he looks after me and it’s hard to reconcile this man with the man in my head. We’re of one mind and it’s like he knows everything I’ve been through in the last 24 hours; he just attends to my every need reminding me that I was here, right here, in his arms and in this body.

And it doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Are you staying the night?” He asks later with a final kiss to my shoulder.

“If that’s alright?” I ask. I didn’t want to be alone in a cold hotel room.

“I’d love nothing more.” He says earnestly.

Love. I brush the word away.

He warns me that he was a slug if I stayed and he’s not exaggerating, with his arm draped over me and tucked up against him he’s like a child with a plush. He falls asleep just as quickly.

I should too but can’t. I feel so intensely about this body laying beside me, I want to crawl inside of him, understand him, understand us and how this worked.

Or maybe I wanted to just understand me, and why I felt a piece of myself sliding back into place tonight. I had to be the most fucked up person in this city.

Instead of sleeping I lay awake thinking about everything and I can’t help it. I go over this morning—god it felt like weeks ago. Josie’s graduation. Josie. Gray. Even Michelle.

I feel slightly paralyzed by everything that transpired today—it truly felt like peering through a glass window into a life I used to have. I try to break open the glass, sort it all out.

On one side is me and everything I’ve done this whole year to move on from the crumbs of my life here in London. I don’t know why but I really did think that coming back I would be 100% untouchable by my past. I was an idiot for thinking that because I was bothered that Gray seemed to have a steady girlfriend. Why did I think anything would rekindle between us?

I dig deeper, did I even want that to happen? Or did I just want to prove to myself that I was the one Gray let get away because I was too scared to face the possibility that I was the one who let Gray get away.

But clearly something didn’t work with us, I think bitterly. A few months with his new girl and he found the balls to open up with me and communicate his grievances and his apologies.

Love that’s as fierce and loyal as you are, he had said. Was I too much for Gray? Is that why we were made to burn out? It hurt too that he had damaged all my relationships I made in my life here in London only to cut those same people out of his life immediately after I left. The more I think about it the angrier I feel.

And his mom, I still feel bruised by her acting like she didn’t even know me. It stokes the anger higher. Her own son has called her crazy on multiple occasions, I was always nothing but kind to her. Gray was the one who put the final nail in our coffin yet the woman who called me her daughter and claimed to love me had been cruel. Even in the face of getting along for Josie’s sake she had put her petty feelings in the forefront.

These people made me so angry.

How did I ever think I could rekindle anything with Gray? As much as I was to blame, I realize, Gray couldn’t even be kind in the end. Just because the year apart was good to him didn’t mean he would still be good for me.

I think about the man laying beside me, in a hypothetical situation if things got ugly I instinctively want to say he would be cruel too. But I have to push past the persona he claimed to have put up and think about the glimpses of the man I saw underneath. Something tells me he would be just as fiery in letting me know how he was feeling. But with his recent apologies I’m not as convinced he would go out of his way to hurt me again.

Even in the bar last night, I just assumed he called me Mrs. Duran to be cruel but he hadn’t known. Or when I had assumed at Josie’s birthday party I would be fired for forgetting wine because he was an asshole when really he just acted like one so I wouldn’t feel worse.

How many times had I judged people because of how skewed my own lens was? It’s a sobering reminder.

Josie’s face flashes through my mind and I tear up at knowing we were going to cut each other out. No matter how much we loved each other staying in touch at this rate was no longer sustainable. For her best interest.

I think of my younger brother back home, my older sister, our family of 5. When I went back home there was so much to catch up on and eventually, apologize for. I had missed out on so much of my family’s life because I believed I needed to leave to grow. Well, life sure handed me a lot of lessons but I needed to go back home to plant them and let me grow.

Harry stirs beside me, nuzzling my neck in his sleep. I feel myself go teary eyed for no reason.

I wondered if this was just a one-night thing. If we would see each other again while I was in London. Did I want to see him? My heart sings yes immediately.

Damn.

What was it about him that pushed my emotions to the highest highs and lowest lows. How did he know every button to push and every bruise to kiss. This had to be toxic, we couldn’t just take our great big baggage of a past and see each other casually while I was in London. It couldn’t be that easy.

What if it was, hope whispers. I squirm. Could I forgive Harry for everything he’d done?

“Y’sleeping?” Harry mumbles to my left. Shit.

“Yeah,” I say which invokes a throaty chuckle from him. I check the time, it was nearly 4. Double shit.

“Liar,” he tugs on my hips and I turn to face him. “Talk to me.”

I couldn’t. Half of my thought were about him. And how could I tell him I was thinking about my ex after spending the night with him. So I just shake my head.

“Please?” He brushes my cheek with his thumb. “You need to sleep.”

“I-“ I try to say I can’t but the words get stuck in my throat. The emotions of everything I’d been thinking in the last couple hours threaten to dislodge the words from my throat so I close my mouth. But it doesn’t work.

A sob bursts out of me and before I can reel it all in the floodgates swing open and it carries all the pent-up sorrow and confusion, grief and anguish I had bottled up.

Harry freezes for a moment, probably very confused to wake up and have me reacting this way. But he recovers and pulls me into his warm chest.

“What is going on in that head of yours love,” Harry murmurs. Love. I sob even harder.

He murmurs reassuring words whilst stroking my back and I cry an embarrassing amount in the same bed where just hours ago I was blissed beyond comprehension. Life moves fast.

Finally when I gain enough composure I lean away, covering my face because crying into him was one thing but seeing my ugly cry face was another.

“Here,” I feel his body move and then tissues pressed into my hand. I’m grateful for them but I wasn’t going to blow my nose here. I sit up and try to dry my nose. His hand reaches out and the tips of his fingers rest on my spine like he was tethering my lost body to him. Somehow even that is reassuring.

“Don’t go trying to kiss my nose this early on again,” I try to joke through a stuffy voice.

“I wouldn’t dare,” he tugs my arm a little and I fall back beside him. He holds me in both his arms and I watch in horror and affection as he kisses the tip of my nose.

“Stop being so nice,” I laugh and cry a little too.

“You’re actually complaining about me being nice?”

“No I just—I’m not used to it,” I press the tissue to my eyes again.

“Well get used to it,” he peels the hair off of my face and pushes it back. “I don’t want to be the one hurting you. I swear to never ever be the reason you cry like this to anyone.”

“Don’t say those sorts of things if you don’t mean it.”

“I do,” he caresses my face. “You’re breaking my heart y/n, I don’t know who hurt you but I never want to see you like this. Especially not because of me alright? I’m sorry if I ever-“

“Stop,” I put my hand to his mouth. Which is kind of gross since I just blew my nose but I’m pretty sure him kissing my snotty nose means he didn’t care.

“But-“ he says behind my hand.

“I’m embarrassed right now,” I admit.

“You have seen me in every compromising situation,” Harry says. “And we have been through too much together to be embarrassed right now.”

“Fine,” I sigh. “It is tiring.”

“Maybe you can finally sleep now that it’s…almost 5?”

“Sorry,” I sigh. “I hope you don’t have something early?”

“Nope,” he kisses the top of my head. “And even if I did it wouldn’t matter.”

So we both try to go back to bed and I manage to fall asleep, all of those tiring racing thoughts washed away by a good cry. I feel warm and cared for and vulnerable and protected. A stark change from how Harry has made me feel before. Maybe this was temporary or maybe this was the start of something new. I’m just taking it minute by minute while all I can think is Do I or Don’t I?

***

It’s my final week in London and if you’d asked me a couple weeks ago if I was looking forward to going back home I would have said without hesitation yes.

But that night at Harry’s and putting my past to rest brushes away an old and tired film I had been viewing the city with since I landed.

We had seen each other a couple times a week since—I’ve been cautious despite my body saying otherwise. There were many days I had been free but I had made up some excuse not to see him, I was scared of getting too attached and having to leave.

But I can’t deny how nice it was to be with Harry without any labels. Most of the time I went over to his, it was tricky going out somewhere too public and risking getting papped. Together we just talk about life and work, my life back in America and my relationship with my family, his life growing up and his relationship with stardom. We watch movies and listen to music and make jokes and I open up a little about what had been weighing on my mind that night.

Winnie teases me that I was lighter than she’s ever seen me, that London looked good on me. I tell her she’s crazy. But even Oretta admits it when Winnie brings it up to her.

Harry makes the effort to make up for how he acted until it’s not just words. I believe what he was saying. And I admit to my faults too.

We still get under each other’s skin.

The thing we argue about the most is an opportunity Harry tries to get me to sign off on. The link he texted me when I was in Cambridge was an upcoming single one of his friends was releasing and he wanted to get me to bid on executing a music video for it. I tell him he was nuts and that I had no experience, plus I had a job. But he persists. He thinks I should explore putting my creative skills to use and not just my organizational skills. The arguing continues.

I have a date with him tonight, at the same bar we bumped into each other that first night. I have a question I’d been meaning to ask him.

“You aren’t actually a regular here are you?” I ask when we’ve settled.

“Of course I am,” he says but I know he’s lying. I raise my brow and he looks everywhere but at me. “Fine. I’m not.”

“So how the hell did you end up here that night?”

“Coincidence.”

“Liar.”

“I’m an honest man.”

“Truth please?”

“You’re embarrassing me here let’s move on.”

“Nuh-uh,” I’m enjoying his bright cheeks and darting eyes. “Did you stalk me or something?”

“I…I knew this was a local spot for you. Or was.”

“Really? How?”

“You mentioned it a few times? And I dropped you off here once after work.”

He might’ve. I’d met many friends and especially Gray here. I motion for him to continue.

“I might’ve known you were in town, might’ve found out you were here and…”

“So you did stalk me,” I gasp. “Oh my god ladies and gents he is obsessed.”

“That’s a strong word.” He argues.

“You. Stalked. Me.”

“Oh fine, I’ll confess: I’m used to the stalkers and I thought it was high time I did some stalking and see what the fun was all about,” he joins in on making fun of himself.

“Someone get me a restraining order,” I say just as someone approaches our table with drinks. As soon as they leave we burst out laughing.

“So have you given the music video any more thought?” Harry asks as the evening continues.

“Can we not talk about this right now?” I ask.

“I just think you should give it serious thought. I know you want to go into PR, be somebody’s Graham, but you have a really good eye for this thing. Before you pursue what you think you want, try this out.”

“You’re one dude,” I say again. “Who believes I can do this. You want me to throw away the career I’ve worked on for years to dabble in this and potentially waste time instead of getting to where I want?”

“Firstly, if you love doing something it’s not time wasted. And secondly you only ever need just one person to believe in you, angel.”

His fingers brush mine on the table, the familiar electricity courses through me just through the small touch. And of course, his use of pet names always turned me to putty. I hated how malleable he made me.

“Consider it. Just write a proposal y/n, it’s not betraying Oretta or anything. I can talk to her if you want if they choose your idea.”

It was scary putting myself out there for something I didn’t believe in myself for. But my echoes of burnout grow towards the idea of doing something less demanding than being an assistant just like a sunflower to the sun. It basks in letting my creativity flow.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Not for too long,” he taps my fingers again. We were cautious about being too touchy in public, even in a place like this where people genuinely didn’t care who he was. “Proposal’s due at the end of next week.”

When I would be back home in America. Away from here. Him.

We hadn’t talked about it, if we would try to keep in touch. I can’t really imagine a long-distance thing with Harry. Not at this stage. Mostly we enjoyed being in each other’s company and I was scared forcing labels just because we would be apart would ruin this fragile thing.

“Fine.” He’d worn me down and I submit. “Fine I’ll get something in for you.”

He pulls back with a shocked expression. “Did I just convince the stubborn y/n y/l/n to do something she didn’t want to do?”

I scowl. “Don’t get used to it.”

“I won’t,” he laughs, waving his hands around him like he was fanning in an aroma. “I’m soaking this in though.”

“Whatever,” I say with a smile.

“You make me work hard,” he smiles back. “For everything y/n. That’s one of the things I l-I-that I really like about you.”

We ignore the near slip of something far too serious for what we had going. We move past it but it sets my heart racing.

“So this friend of yours,” I change the subject. “With the music video. Didn’t you guys have like, beef when you were on tour? All that article stuff?”

“You of all people should know not to believe what you see online. It was all manipulated and put out of context.”

“I know but you were all moody for all your shows afterwards. I remember Jeff and Graham complaining. I assumed the articles had worn you down a bit.”

He raises a brow like he’s waiting on me to figure something out.

“What?”

“Really? You think it was the artcles?”

“Well what else happened that-“

Oh god. Was I that stupid?

Of course it wasn’t the articles, it was me! Us.

A smile stretches over the contours of his face as realization dawns on mine, “Twice in a row I’ve got you today, I should buy a lottery ticket.”

“I’m off my game today is all, don’t get used to it.”

I can’t believe it. Not that I didn’t believe Harry after the last few weeks but I—that night—really meant that much to him that his feelings over it had affected the rest of his tour? I had affected his tour?

“Why didn’t you say anything if it was weighing on you so much? If I recall I tried to talk to you a couple times.” I ask.

“What could I say,” he snorts. “You were engaged and my loss of control was why you cheated. Then you were quitting and I knew if I said anything you might have stayed. I didn’t want to keep you where you didn’t want to be.”

His words tug at my heart. He really had thought up a storm.

“Harry,” I lean back. “Gray and I broke up before I joined you guys on tour again. We weren’t cheating.”

His forehead creases, “What?! But you were together at my London show. I thought you two broke up after you moved back home?”

“No,” I guess in the last few weeks I’d just mentioned we broke up a long time ago. He didn’t know any specifics. “We were fake-together because he hadn’t broken the news to his sister then. But that’s why I was all…y’know in Barcelona-“

“Fuck me,” he groans. “No wonder you thought I was an ass for pulling you away-“

“Well you were-“

“Yeah alright-“

“Why did you really pull me away though?”

“I…I was feeling a bit possessive.”

“What?”

I wasn’t expecting that to come out of his mouth. He smiles sheepishly, “I thought we already came to terms with that.”

My stomach does a few somersaults. Until tonight I don’t think I’ve really focused on the magnitude of how Harry felt back then. Parts of my mind were still remembering him as a prick just because it was easier to remember my side of things. But this spins things in a brighter light.

“I was just your assistant though.”

“Y/N,” he tilts his head to the side. “Did I not already tell you what I thought about you that night in my flat?”

“Yeah but-“

“I’d never met anyone like you, I really liked you. I couldn’t have you though and I had to push you away constantly. And that drove me a bit crazy sometimes.”

I let out a noisy breath, wondering if how he felt about me was just as intense now as it was then. A part of me knows it must be. Feelings like that didn’t fade. But here I was, barely knowing what it was I felt for him. All I knew was that it was nice when we were together.

Why me, I want to ask. But I hold back. It wasn’t a question I could ask my ex-employer current-lover part-time-asshole.

“Sorry,” he apologizes. “Was that a bit strong?”

“No,” I sigh again and he laughs. “Fine. A little. But it’s fine, I’m okay.”

“Okay,” he believes me. “So you broke off your engagement and didn’t tell anyone?”

“Kinda, we weren’t in a place we could come back from. We decided that mutually after things blew up. He didn’t even know I was leaving the country actually.”

Harry whistles. “You ran out on all of us.”

I scratch the side of my head, “Maybe?”

“Well I’ve enjoyed having you again, here.” He says with sincerity. “I’m really relieved to be able to get to say everything I wanted to your face.”

I agree. Neither of us mention I was leaving later in the week.

Even by the night before I’m leaving London we still hadn’t discussed a thing. But there’s a heaviness to us as we have dinner at his, as we pretend to watch a movie only to cuddle on the couch. We lay there facing each other and I trace his eyes, his nose, his wonderful mouth. It’s so odd to me that this was the same Harry Styles performing in sold out venues and on the walls of teenage bedrooms. That I got to have him in these quiet moments and be present.

I feel so grateful for this. That I didn’t have to carry around these draining stories within me anymore, that it felt like it happened to someone else. In a way even if nothing came from all this, I got closure. I was able to move on now.

I imagine my heart and it feels like when you take a stroll mid-March and realize nature was healing from winter’s blues. Warm and blooming the earth was growing again—my heart was growing stronger. Now the idea of a date or a partner didn’t seem so daunting and exhausting. I would never have guessed that it would take the man who almost broke me to come into my life again for me to see how to fit those pieces back in place again.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do not having you in town anymore,” his lashes flutter as I run my hand through his hair. It was still shorter than I was used to but it had grown in the last three weeks.

“Oh you’ll be fine,” I say. “I’ve worked on your schedule before: meetings and studio sessions and photoshoots and interviews.”

“A busy life isn’t always a full one,” he whispers. And it’s the closest thing to a confession we were going to get to. I cover his mouth with mine and we indulge in each other one final time.

There is a symphony of unexpected but undeniable intimacy woven between the beats of our entwined hearts. I know I would probably never feel this way with anyone and I don’t think I’d want to. Being with Harry was passion. It was losing myself and finding myself at the same time. It was being vulnerable and guarded and cherished and known.

My flight out tomorrow is around noon but I can’t stay the night as I’d have to help Oretta in the morning to make sure everything gets to the airport in time. Harry walks me down to his lobby and we stand there for a few, just holding each other tight. He doesn’t ask me to stay and I don’t ask him to come.

“This isn’t goodbye y/n,” Harry says when we part. His hand rests on his heart. I know the feeling, mine aches so hard I want to press my hand to it just to tell it everything would be fine.

“No,” I shake my head. My eyes had been teary ever since he squeezed me to him. “We’ll talk soon.”

“You’ll be directing music videos soon.”

I roll my eyes, “I’m still working on the proposal.”

“I have a good feeling about it.”

“That makes one of us. But…thanks for believing in me.”

“Thanks for believing in me,” he whispers. “Even when you didn’t have to.”

I’m glad I did. The only time in my life not paying attention to the warning bells had paid off.

“I’ve been working with this new producer and he wants me to come out to a studio in Cotati?” Harry mentions. “How far is that from where you are? Are you still in m Burbank?”

“Burbank’s where my parents are,” I shake my head. I look up what he’s talking about and feel a thrill when it’s less than a couple hours. Still, I try to maintain neutrality. “A little over an hour?”

“Well,” he brushes my hair over my shoulder and keeps his eyes looking just over it. “Depending on what you’re doing—maybe if you’re free…we can see each other again?”

I would love that. My heart is bursting just thinking of getting to have him in the place I called home. Of this meaning something. Of him wanting to see me again.

“Of course if you have a boyfriend by then and he doesn’t want you to see me that’s…I mean, live your life and if it works out we-“

“Yes,” I cut him off. “Yeah. Let’s see but that sounds good.”

He meets my gaze and I laugh a little, he was nervous and that was rare.

“Good,” he smiles with. “Until next time.”

“Until next time,” I step into his arms and it’s a quick affair before he steps away. I turn to head out the door, shielding my eyes from him. Not wanting him to see that this was stupidly hard to say goodbye.

He waves me off and I head back to my hotel with a heavy heart. But I think about him asking to see me again. Who knows when that would be. And I know this wasn’t the end of our story.

***

I’m happy to land in SFO the following evening, happy to busy myself with Oretta’s business, happy to have Winnie chattering away. I spent parts of the flight I wasn’t sleeping working on my MV proposal and it awakens a familiar passion inside of me I’d been afraid I’d lost.

I send out a silent thanks to Harry for knowing what was good for me.

I think of Harry often, Gray even less until I don’t think of him at all. I dream of London weekly; I missed it this time around. And as life resumes again I anticipate the change I sense on the horizon.

So when life gives me lemons I stop asking Do I or Don’t I. If one thing the last year has taught me was I had to listen to my gut and look at the signs. I had to start asking what I wanted and go after it. Even though Harry and I barely talk, I remember the lessons he’s taught me.

I stop looking to others to make decisions. There’s no guidebook or lists to help me make my decisions either. I take deep breaths and I believe in myself.

I build a new life on the remains of my old. I don’t let it dictate what I did anymore, I simply leave it as the foundation to elevate me even higher. I reach for the sky with my feet planted firmly on the ground. And I grow with reckless abandon.

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TAGLIST: @boomitsallie1 @indierockgirrl @ndunad @jerseygirlinca @sunshinemoonsposts @ninasw0rld @love-letters-to-uranus @mayamonroem @sassamanda77 @harryspirate

🤍

Epilogue

[thebearer]

I heard babies get like ear infections once their teeth pop in, and poor Teddy is so upset and she’s up all night, and can barely sleep until Nana Tina comes and helps

teddy is up. carmen's up. you're up. everyone's up because when teddy doesn't sleep, neither do you.

carmen would be a mother fucking wreck, ok? like worried beyond belief. she's teething, and crying, and the fucking pediatrician had the audacity to say "she's very uncomfortable" which made carmen want to throw up and cry at the same time because- why? why did she have to be uncomfortable? why did it make him feel like the world's biggest piece of shit?

tina notices that carmen's stressed. he's disheveled and sloppy and on edge and just over fucking whelmed.

"jeff, are you- are you good?"

"what?" carmen snaps, hand rubbing down his face. "yes, t, i'm ok. i'm fine. how's prep going?"

"it's good. got it done." tina says slowly, eyeing carmen. "the baby keeping you up?"

"tina, i really don't wanna talk about this right now." carmen huffs, lips twitching- tina knows he's upset.

"alright. well, look, if you need anything, carmen, you let me know. i can help if you'd like." tina offers and carmen thinks he might cry.

carmen's on the phone later in the office, head in his hands, knee bouncing while he talked quietly- everyone knew it was to you.

"i know, baby. i-i can try and see if pete could come? i could ask him?" carmen says lolwy. "i have to work. i've got big guests coming in tonight and a full night- no, no, no, no, please don't cry."

he's defeated, on the brink of crying himself. both of you are exhausted, overwhelmed, and everyone notices it- including tina.

"jeff," tina says, walking into the office. carmen's eyes are shining when they meet hers. "gimme the phone."

"what? no- no, baby, i'm talkin' to tina. chef, i'm on a personal call-"

"-give me the phone." tina says calmly.

"give her the fucking phone, carmen." your voice snaps in his ear, fed up and tired and emotional.

"mama, what's goin' on, huh? what's the matter?" tina's voice is a soothing balm over your shot nerves.

you tell her everything: the ear infection, the fever, the teething, the crying. tina nods. "ok, do you have rice?... ok, get a sock, put the rice in there, heat it up so it's warm, ok? then hold her upright and put it between both of you. if the doctor's already given you drops and medicine, that should help until that kicks in. you can massage her gums too, ok? just rub them a little, let her gnaw on them if you have to. it'll make her feel better, ok, mama?"

carmen wants to be annoyed, maybe he is, but when he comes home to find you sleeping- both of you sleeping, he wants to scream with pure joy, texting tina a thank you before collapsing next to you.

[itsmebytch001]

What would be Aaron’s reaction to reader just climbing up on his bed and cuddling him and telling him ‘I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt you’ like I need a genuine sweet moment from these two 😭

Or like baby reader asking Aaron or Rio why her mommy doesn’t love her the way mothers love their daughters

Aaron was a light sleeper, he when he heard your door from across the hall creek open he knew it was either to get a glass of water, or to pace back and fourth as you sometimes did to sooth yourself from aching thoughts, like Diana would, but instead of the sound of the tap pouring or the sound of small feet pattering across the floor your feet grew ever closer to his door. He heard the small push and heard the creek of his door open and though he was not facing you could sense you were looming in the doorway, waiting for something.

After several moments right before Aaron was going to flip over to face you he felt the weight of the bed shift as you sat on the end and shuffled yourself under the blankets with him.

Y/n: "Pa...Are you awake?" You whispered.

Aaron: "Y/n...Why are you up so late? Take your self back to bed"

Y/n: "Can I sleep with you tonight?" He heard you sniffle and shifted himself to face you, the room was dark but he would see the shadows framing your distressed face wet with tears.

Aaron: "What's got you upset? You have a nightmare?"

Y/n: "No...I was just worried"

Aaron: "About?"

Y/n: "You said last night that...It was me who made Diana the way she is...dose that mean you'll be like her?"

Oh...Oh no He thought, he knew kids were just sponges but he had hopped he could just brush that comment under the rug and you would forget.

Aaron: "Oh no baby no, I was was just mad...But it's not your fault, listen your Mom had problems when we met, long before you and I should never had said that, and I will never be like Diana I love you"

...

...

Y/n: "Dose Diana love me?"

Aaron really didn't know at this point, she cared enough to pick you up weekends but not enough to engage with you, but only expose you to her darker sides. But he wasn’t about to tell you no, what kind of parent would he be if he did?

Aaron: “Yeah baby, I think she loves you but you know your moms got problems she’s not doing to great right now but she’ll get better”

…

Y/n: “I’m sorry”

Aaron: “about?”

Y/n: “ about hitting myself and making you look bad to the school”

Aaron: “I don’t care really what the school thinks of me I just get scared-“

Y/n: “that I’ll end up like her?”

Aaron: “Yeah…also you know how CPS can be”

Y/n: “ are you getting tired of me?”

Aaron: “never baby, I love you, okay? No matter what Diana or Phil tells you, I and Tita Rio and Uncle Jeff and Miles, we love love you so much”

Aaron can feel you tense again this chest as your curl up into a ball, sometimes you would respond negativity to being told you were loved and push it away, he worried this would be one of these times where it set you off to hurt yourself so he instinctively pressed you closer to his chest.

Aaron: “shhh shhh it’s okay baby, I got you”

Y/n: “ no no I’m fine”

Aaron: “ You not gonna do anything stupid?”

Y/n: “No im good”

Aaron: “okay then” he loosened his grip on your back only for you to tighten his grip on his shirt.

Y/n: “ can we stay like this please?”

Aaron: “ sure” he muttered as he wrapped his arms around you and kissed the top of your head lightly already drifting off to sleep with his child in his arms he allowed himself to slip into slumber where he knew that no matter what, happened between him and Jeff, or You and Diana he always, always had you his baby.

Request are wanted, hope ya like!

[wheels-of-despair]

The Family Holiday Pairing: Eddie Munson x You Summary: It's December of 1985, and Evil Woman is ready to spend her first real Christmas with Eddie… why is he being weird about it? Contains: Christmas stuff, insecurity, love, a meaningful gesture, tears, being hopelessly devoted to Eddie Munson, a happy ending. Words: 1.6k

"We're putting the tree up and decorating tonight. Probably end up drinking some hot chocolate and watching something Christmas-y. You in?"

You and Eddie had finally been sprung from detention, and thinking about tonight's festivities was the only thing that had kept you awake. The rest of the boys had escaped your cruel fate and gone home when they were supposed to, so it was just the two of you in the van now.

"You need help?"

"What, like 'oh please, big strong man, won't you come help us feeble women-folk put up this heavy plastic tree'?" you tease. "Don't NEED help, but we'd love for you to come hang out."

"Actually…" he licks his lips and concentrates on the road. "I think I might just go home tonight."

"What?" Eddie Munson, passing up Family Fun Time? And hot chocolate?!

"I'm, uh… I'm just really tired. Think I might be coming down with something."

You reach over to feel his cheek, which does look flushed and feel a little warm.

"Are you okay?" He hadn't said anything. Not that he'd been allowed to make a peep during the last hour, but he'd seemed fine at lunch.

"M'fine, just wanna sleep."

You watch him suspiciously as he turns onto your road. You know something's brewing in that twisted little mind of his, but you don't know what.

"Okay," you agree, deciding not to pry. Maybe he just needs a little time to think about whatever he's got going on, and he'll get over it on his own. He pulls into your driveway.

"You want us to wait and do it tomorrow?" It would probably require a little groveling, but you'd do it. You'd do anything for him.

"Nah, don't change your plans on my account."

"Okay," you say again, a little hurt. "If you change your mind, you know where we'll be."

"Don't wanna get you sick too."

"Eddie, you had your tongue down my throat just a few hours ago. That ship has sailed." You tilt your head and wait for a smile. He forces one that doesn't reach his eyes. Maybe he really is getting sick.

"Call me if you need anything?"

He nods. You lean across the van and kiss him on the cheek, then hop out and walk to the door. He doesn't start backing out of the driveway until you've got it open. But this is the first time in forever he hasn't come in with you. It feels strange. You don't care for it.

He didn't come that night, and he didn't call.

Your mother had asked about him, and you'd said he wasn't feeling well. Which, as far as you knew, was true. You thought of him the whole night, from the time you helped wind the lights around the tree, to hanging the stockings, to watching the marshmallows melt in your mediocre cocoa while some claymation special played in the background. Everything was better when Eddie was around.

He arrived the next morning to pick you up for school as usual, but still felt a little distant in the seat next to you. You let the boys ramble about the current campaign while you watched him out of the corner of your eye.

You made an effort to act normally throughout the day. Like nothing was wrong. Like he hadn't unexpectedly bailed on something he was supposed to be a part of. Like he wasn't being weirder than usual.

Despite your efforts to act normal, Eddie remained quiet. He nodded and let out a half-hearted laugh or two at your attempts to break him out of his funk on the ride home. When he pulled into your driveway, he didn't even turn off the van. The rest of the boys had gone to Jeff's to play video games. No one was home. Eddie should be jumping at the opportunity to spend some time alone with you. Unsupervised. Instead, he glances at you like he's waiting for you to get out.

You turn in your seat to face him.

"Alright. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit. Tell me what's going on."

"It's nothing."

"Edward."

He sighs.

You cross your arms. "I'm not getting out of this van until you tell me, so you better either start talking, or get fucking comfortable."

He turns off the ignition, then sits quietly for a moment.

"Don't you ever get sick of me hanging around all the time?"

"Nope. Try again."

"Doesn't your mom?"

"You are aware that she refers to you as her favorite child, correct?"

He huffs out an exasperated breath, and it fogs up the windshield in front of him.

"Look. I appreciate you including me. I really do. But Christmas is a family holiday. Like, THE family holiday."

"You ARE family, dummy."

"I'm not."

"You are. You're more family than most of the people I'm related to."

"That's not how it works."

"That is absolutely how it works. I chose you. WE chose you. Those other people are just assholes we happen to share DNA with."

"Look, just…" He grips the steering wheel. "I appreciate you trying to include me, but eventually you're all gonna get sick of me. I don't want to wear out my welcome."

Your heart sinks. Your annoyance fades. How has he not realized that he's your entire world?

"Eddie, you're always welcome, wherever I am," you tell him gently. "You're my favorite person in the world. I fucking love you. I want you with me all the time. Whether it's Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or a random Wednesday, or the day we get married."

He stares at his lap.

"What's it gonna take for you to realize how much you mean to me?"

He shrugs.

And then, you get an idea.

"Come with me."

You get out of the van, but he doesn't. You walk to his side and open the door.

"C'mon, I want to show you something."

He slides down and follows you with his feet dragging, like a big insecure baby. You kick off your boots and drop your jackets, and you take his hand and lead him to the living room. You come to a stop by the fireplace.

"Look."

He lifts his head and takes in the garland and the holiday-scented candles and the nutcracker and the four stockings…

You can see him re-count.

He looks to you with tears welling up in his eyes.

"Told you so."

Your mom has made him a stocking. It matches the ones you and your brother have had since you were babies. She's even stitched Eddie's name onto it. His stocking fits right in, just like he does.

He bursts into tears. He hides his face in his hands and sobs, and you wrap yourself around him the best you can.

You want to tell him that THIS is why you wanted him to come over last night. That you wanted your mom to see his face when he saw his stocking for the first time. That you wanted him hang it himself. But the lump in your throat won't allow it. So you hold him and let him cry and hope that he finally gets it: He's family. The best kind of family; the kind you all chose, because you all love him.

His eyes are red and puffy when he pulls away from you. You brush his hair away from his face, before the tears can dry and glue it to his skin. You don't know what to say. Apparently neither does he.

You take his hand and tilt your head toward the tree. You lead him to it and flip on the power strip. The tree comes to life. You cross the room and switch off the overhead light, letting the tree's colored bulbs fill the room with a warm glow.

You return to the tree and sit down in front of it, lie back, and maneuver your head underneath the branches.

"C'mere," you finally get out. Eddie sits on the floor beside you and copies your movements, his head coming to rest beside yours on the white blanket your mom has wrapped around the base. You reach for his hand and hold it tightly as you stare up at the inside of the tree.

"When I was a kid," you begin, finding your voice again in the familiar calm of the tree's glow, "I used to spend half the holiday season under the tree. Dad always insisted on a real one, but Mom fought him and switched to a fake one after an unfortunate incident involving sap in my hair. THAT was fun."

Eddie chuckles. You're so happy to hear that sound again. You lie there and hold his hand and stare up at the twinkling lights in a peaceful silence.

"I haven't had a stocking since my mom died."

"Really?" you ask, turning your head toward him.

"Mhm," he hums, still staring upward.

"Wayne wasn't a Santa Man?"

"No chimney in a trailer," he says matter-of-factly, like he's heard it a few times before. "Wayne said that's why Santa sometimes forgot to bring me stuff at Mom and Dad's house. Because they didn't have a chimney either, and Santa couldn't remember how to get in."

Wayne's solution brings a smile to your face.

"Did Santa figure out how to get in at Wayne's?"

"He left the presents on the porch," Eddie grins. "Me and Wayne would put out a can of beer and a bag of Fritos for him. He said Santa would want something salty after all those cookies."

You laugh. "Good thinkin', Wayne."

Eddie finally turns his head toward you.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Eddie."

This is the fic that I fought for 2 days, posted, trashed... and then took another run at and gave it a better ending, inspired by this thought from @munson-memories. 🥰

[starryeyedjanai]

kinktober prompt: free use, overstimulation | read on ao3 steddie and polyam cc | explicit cw: free use eddie, transmasc eddie, sloppy seconds, creampie, come eating

Eddie is a little afraid for Steve to find out the kind of arrangement he has with the rest of his band.

Because they're not just the rest of his band, they're his guys, his other boyfriends. And Steve knows this of course, but he didn't exactly tell him how it is between them.

It's not something they ever really had to talk about before, is the thing.

Eddie has lived with his band in various living situations for years now, sometimes sharing a bed with one or more of them when times were tough and they didn't have the money for anything bigger.

They'd shared a one bedroom apartment at one point with a mattress on the ground and a pull out couch in the living room and it was fine.

It was always fine.

Living on top of each other, and trying to make something of their music while also having to work day jobs to afford living in LA was hard sometimes. They'd get annoyed with each other about stuff with their music or just in general about the shitty day they had at their shitty jobs.

But they had each other and that always made it enough and it always made it worth it.

They'd hash it out and apologize for being in a bad mood and go to bed, never angry at each other, sometimes curling up all four of them on their mattress, somehow able to fit.

Eventually, they stopped rotating who had to sleep on the shitty pull out bed that had springs that hurt and just started sleeping on the same mattress, switching it out for a larger size when they had the money to better accommodate them.

It's on the tail end of living there that it all starts. When Corroded Coffin is finally starting to pick up and get booked places, when they're in talks with a fucking producer, that things start to change.

Because with more people seeing their band and actually starting to gain fans, it can't all be good news all the time.

The thing with the producer falls through and even though there are other producers and other people that might be able to help them get a foot in the door eventually, it feels like such a blow to all of them.

The apartment is silent when they get home after their show, after Eddie gets the call and has to break the news to them.

They're all sad and they're all sulking and Eddie can't take it, can't take the silence and can't take his best friends being sad.

Because he had to be the one to tell them and because he can't fix it and he doesn't know how to talk about it, he says, "Someone should fuck me," out into the open air of their bedroom.

All three of them pause what they were doing and turn to look at him. He can see the wheels turning in their heads and can't take the words back now that they're out of his mouth.

It's not like he hasn't felt the tension between all of them at times. He's not immune to the fact that all of his friends are fucking hot. He sees the way they all look at each other, the way they look at him sometimes and he knows they're not immune either.

Living in close quarters means a lot of walking in on things you weren't supposed to see - walking in on someone getting out of the shower because they were taking too long and the other person had to piss, someone thinking they had the apartment to themselves for half an hour and the other three walking in on them with their hand on their dick - it all comes with the territory of having to share an apartment like this.

So he looks each of them in the eye after he says it, because he doesn't want to take it back.

"Eddie, what- the fuck?" Grant asks, looking between Jeff and Gareth and him.

"We're all fucking miserable and we barely got to come down from a frankly amazing show tonight, so we have to do something," Eddie says.

"And, and, and fucking was the first thing that came to mind?" Gareth asks, his voice incredulous.

"What else are we gonna do? Go to bed? You're angry and sad, we all are. Why not do something we know is gonna make us feel better?" Eddie asks, his heart beating so fast in his chest.

Gareth opens and closes his mouth a few times and looks at the others. "Do either of you think this is a good idea?" he asks.

Grant stays silent, but Jeff speaks up after a minute.

He says, "It's not, like, the worst idea in the world," and Eddie can't help the smile that overtakes his face. Somehow he knew Jeff would be on his side with this.

He's usually the type to go after what he wants and Eddie can understand why he wouldn't go after what he wants when it comes to the band because so many things could go wrong, but when it's offered?

"You can't be fucking serious," Gareth says, letting out a heavy breath. "What, if Grant and I say no, you're gonna fuck in our bed while we wait in the living room?" He asks as if it's normal for four grown men to share a mattress most nights, like they've ever been normal about each other even before now.

"You wouldn't have to wait in the living room," Eddie mumbles. "Even if you don't want to actually do anything, you can still stay and watch. But I don't want it to be just Jeff - I want it to be all of us, in some way, so if you're not into it, we won't do anything."

"Yeah," Jeff says. "It's all of us or none of us."

Gareth looks between them and his mouth twists.

"If we- I don't want this to mess us up," Grant says.

"It doesn't have to," Eddie says gently. "We can be smart about it."

Jeff says, "You know I'm like the most level-headed one here and if I thought we were gonna screw things up, I'd say something. But we care about each other too much to do that."

Grant nods and asks, "You really think we can do this without it becoming weird?"

Jeff and Eddie both nod.

Jeff says, "I think so."

"Then I'm in," Grant says.

"What say you, little one?" Eddie asks, turning to Gareth.

Gare glares at him and says, "I think you're all fucking crazy, but you, I mean you know how I feel, so, obviously, if you're all in, then so am I."

"We're not trying to pressure you," Eddie says insistently. "If you want to say no, you can."

Gareth gets up from where he was sitting on the couch and walks up to Eddie. He has his signature bitchy look on his face as he says, "I'm saying yes, idiot," and then he kisses him.

That night is one that Eddie will remember for the rest of his life - his first time taking more than one person at a time, Jeff pressing into his ass while Gareth fucked his cunt, turning his head to mouth at Grant's cock as best he could with so much stimulation happening.

It just sort of came together like that, and Eddie found that he really liked being stuffed full, all his holes being used.

It felt like belonging, felt like he was theirs.

It's not awkward after, falling in their bed, wrapped up in them, head pillowed on Grant's chest.

It's not awkward the next morning when they wake up and remember the heat, the electricity, they all felt last night.

So it's not hard for Eddie to roll over and offer himself up again to whoever wants to take him, still bleary eyed and sleep warm and stretched open.

They don't put a name to it, they don't talk about it beyond checking in every now and then to make sure this is still working, the three of them using Eddie like they own him.

They've since moved into a bigger apartment, once they got a little bit of notoriety and could afford it. So they don't have to share a bed and most nights they don't - they rotate who shares with who because they still only have a two bedroom and it just made more sense to get two king sized beds instead of four fulls.

So now, whenever they're home, Eddie can count on someone's hands being on him.

He can count on Grant pulling him into his lap as the four of them watch TV and sitting him on his cock, just letting him feel the stretch of his cock inside him.

He can count on Jeff joining him in the shower and putting him on his perpetually bruised knees to have Eddie suck his cock and come down his throat.

He can count on Gareth bending him over the kitchen table and pressing slowly inside his asshole that was held open with a plug, filled with someone else's come from when they used him earlier.

He's stuffed full of come in whatever hole they want to use when they're at home.

He doesn't mind the way they paw at him- he likes it.

He makes it easy for them. He walks around wearing very little, if anything, waiting for them to use him. It's like their favorite pasttime now.

He'll be wearing just a pair of tiny shorts as he does the dishes and he'll end up with a cunt that's leaking come, his hands still submerged in the dishwater and his finger pruned.

He walks by them sitting on the couch wearing nothing, and he's pulled onto the couch, his cunt stuffed, someone else's cock right in front of his face where his head dangles off the arm of the chair.

He's kind of living his dream, making music with his best friends, getting fucked into oblivion every single day, feeling loved every single day.

And then he meets Steve, a volunteer at the animal shelter that Eddie and the others visit sometimes.

There's an instant connection, something he wants to pursue, something he's only ever felt with his band.

He instantly knew he wanted to be friends with Jeff and Grant, that he wanted to make music with Gareth.

He looks at Steve and he instantly knows he has to get to know him.

And that's where things get sticky. Because since starting this whole fucking within the band thing, none of them have really dated anyone.

A couple of very casual dates that didn't lead anywhere have happened, but none of them have found anyone that they would want to be in a relationship with.

And after hanging out with Steve a few times, Eddie knows he wants to date him, knows he wants more with him.

So he has the big, scary conversation with his guys, telling them how he feels about Steve and they all but roll their eyes.

"You mean the guy you get all moon-eyed over whenever we go to the shelter?" Gareth asks.

"The guy you won't shut up about?" Jeff asks.

"Oh, you mean the guy you've been on four dates with, looking lovestruck every time you come home," Grant says.

He hasn't been going on dates with Steve, not really. They haven't called them dates. They haven't even kissed yet, but he wants to kiss him so badly.

And- yeah, okay. He gets it. He's never been very subtle about his affections, but goddamn. They could have at least pretended to be surprised.

"You guys fucking suck, man," he says even though there's this giddy feeling brewing underneath his skin.

"You don't need our blessing," Gareth says, "but if you want it, you have it."

Eddie walks over to Gareth and kisses him, a slow, chaste kiss.

"This isn't going to change anything," Eddie says when he pulls back. "I'll tell him who you are to me and we'll figure it out."

-

The next time he hangs out with Steve, he tells him that he wants to take him on a date.

Steve flushes and smiles at him. He says, "I wasn't sure if you were interested, but I am very, very glad that you are."

They're standing at Steve's door, and okay- he can see how this probably looks like a date. He took Steve to see a movie and now they're at his front door like they're teenagers about to have their first kiss. Maybe he should have had this conversation with Steve a while ago.

So he bites the bullet and he tells him, the words spilling out of his mouth.

"Oh," is what Steve says when Eddie's done with his spiel and Eddie's heart plummets. But only a few moments pass before he says, "I've never dated someone polyamorous before, but I think we could make it work."

Eddie lets out a breath of relief and says, "Okay, good. Um, I really want to kiss you."

"I really want to kiss you too," Steve says, leaning forward.

Their lips meet and Eddie sighs against his mouth. Steve's lips are soft and plump and Eddie wants to spend hours kissing them. But he pulls away and says goodnight because he really wants this to work and jumping him two seconds after he agrees to go on a date with him maybe wouldn't send the right message.

-

Dating Steve and fucking Steve is so fucking fun.

He's spent years with his guys, getting fucked every way possible, but there's something really fun about learning what makes someone tick.

There's fun in the familiarity that he has with Grant, Gareth, and Jeff, don't get him wrong, but accidentally discovering that Steve likes to fuck him when he's sloppy with someone else's come inside him is fucking spectacular.

He wasn't even looking to get fucked the night he found that out, at least not by Steve.

They had all had a long day in the studio, recording stuff for their album, and he's tired when Jeff pulls him into his lap and has him ride him. Grant and Gareth already went to bed, too tired to fuck around.

He rides him slowly, kissing him the entire time, licking into his mouth, sucking on his top lip while Jeff sucks on his bottom lip. It's intimate and Jeff comes in his ass like he always does.

And Steve texts him after he's been plugged up and is getting ready for bed, asking if he wants to sleep over. Just to sleep the text says.

So he says yes, and Jeff goes to the other room to curl up around Gareth for the night.

He isn't even thinking about it, driving over with an overnight bag.

He isn't thinking when they get into bed together and he starts kissing Steve, not really looking for it to go anywhere, just kissing to kiss.

He isn't thinking when Steve runs his hand down his back and squeezes his ass, his fingers brushing the base of the plug.

He pulls away from Eddie's mouth and asks, "Are you wearing a plug?" There's a spark in his eyes, his gaze heated as he's realizing what it probably means. Because they've had the talk about how Eddie and the others don't use condoms because they only fuck each other. And now that Steve is a part of that, everyone got tested before he and Steve fucked raw.

He's never come over with someone else's come inside him, though, because that feels rude. He plans it out usually, letting the guys know what days are off limits because he's seeing Steve.

But he totally blanked when he said he'd come over.

So he says, "Yeah, I. Uh. Jeff fucked me before I came over here."

Steve's hand snakes underneath Eddie's sleep shorts and he touches the plug, pulling it against his rim. "So you're all wet with Jeff's come right now, huh?"

The tone of his voice, the way he said it - something about it makes Eddie's dick hard, his cunt clenching around nothing as Steve plays with the plug inside him.

"Yes," he whispers, looking at the way Steve is looking at him.

"Can I fuck you?" Steve asks, pressing his hips forward, his hard cock rubbing against Eddie's hip.

Eddie nods slowly and says, "Yes."

Steve pulls his hand out of his pants to undress them both and lays Eddie on his back, hips propped up on a pillow. He pulls the plug out of Eddie, his eyes transfixed on his hole.

Eddie shivers under the heat of his gaze. He can feel Jeff's come trickle out of him.

Steve notches his dick up against Eddie asshole, spreading Jeff's come around his hole a little and he groans, still looking down at where the head of his dick is touching Jeff's come.

"Is this a thing for you?" Eddie asks, feeling a rush of excitement thrumming through his veins.

"I didn't think it was," Steve says, pressing the head of his cock inside.

The slide of his dick inside is easy, from the leftover lube, from Jeff's come, from Eddie already being stretched out.

Steve looks so affected and that's really doing something for Eddie, too, the fact that he's so into it.

"Is it weird that I kind of want to lick it out of you?" Steve asks, his fingers dancing around where they're connected, fingertips coming away slick with Jeff's come. He rolls his hips slowly, his cock sliding out and grinding in deep.

Eddie moans and says, "I don't think it's weird. I think it's fucking hot as hell."

Steve brings his hand up to Eddie's mouth and touches his come slick fingers to Eddie's bottom lip, spreading the come there. Then he leans down and sucks Eddie's lip into his mouth, his hips humping forward roughly as he tastes Jeff's come.

They both groan and it's frantic after that - Steve fucking Eddie into the mattress with fast strokes.

"What's it like when you're with them?" Steve asks, panting as he drives his hips into Eddie's ass.

Eddie's gasping in breaths, but between shaky breaths, he manages to answer, "They use me- however they want. Just, pick a hole and fuck me whenever they want."

Steve jackrabbits his hips into Eddie, humping into him like he couldn't stop if he wanted to. He says, "Yeah? You give it up for them whenever they want, no matter what you were doing before?"

Eddie nods quickly. "Doesn't matter what I'm doing. Dishes, they just pull my underwear down and fuck me until I'm dripping. Hanging out, just pull me into their lap. I wake up with someone inside me. F-fuck, even in the studio, they-"

Steve's hips snap into him, startling a moan out of both of them.

"In the studio? You can't even get your work done without leaving filled with someone's come, can you?"

"I love it," Eddie gasps.

"Yeah, you do," Steve says, gritting his teeth, the sound of their hips slapping together loud in the room. "You're suck a fucking cockslut. Always filled to the brim, come leaking out of both holes."

"You love it too," Eddie says, looking up at Steve's face, one hand snaking down to rub at his cock.

"Having their sloppy seconds? Fuck, I really fucking do. Wanna have their sloppy fourths, watch them come inside you one after the other and then fuck you, eat all of it out of you after," Steve says, his hips stuttering as he gets close.

"You can have it," Eddie moans. "You can have whatever you want."

The onslaught of images from Steve's words pushing him close to the edge. The thought of Steve being a part of that, watching and seeing it all, wanting it-

Eddie tenses up and shudders as he comes, his fingers working his dick quickly, both holes clenching as his eyes roll back.

Steve groans again, grinding his hips in and stilling as he pulses come into Eddie's ass, adding to the mess.

Eddie's shivering and gasping through it all, slick from his cunt dripping down onto Steve's cock as he slowly pulls out.

"Jesus fucking christ," Steve says, sliding down the bed.

Fuck, he's really gonna do it.

Eddie shakes as Steve buries his between his legs, sucking Eddie's dick into his mouth to start, then dipping his tongue inside Eddie's wet cunt, tasting his slick, pulling back and looking up at Eddie, his chin wet with Eddie's juices.

"Do it," Eddie says, still breathing heavily, so incredibly affected by this.

Steve dips his head and drags his tongue over Eddie's asshole in a broad stroke. He groans and pulls Eddie's hips against him, his tongue spearing into him, licking the taste of his and Jeff's come out of him.

Steve throws Eddie's leg over his shoulder, his hand coming up so he can thumb at Eddie's cock as he licks the come out of him.

Eddie feels like he's on a hair trigger because he's coming again with barely any stimulation, shaking through it and crying out as Steve just keeps going, his tongue still licking inside him, his thumb still stroking slow circles over his dick.

He seems content to just lay there on his stomach, licking the mess out of him.

He licks him through another orgasm, Eddie's legs shaking as he gasps and sheds a few tears from the overstimulation.

Steve pulls back and nuzzles his face into Eddie's hip, kissing his way up his body before rearranging them with Eddie's back to Steve's front.

Eddie comes down with Steve cuddling up against him, one hand thumbing at his nipple, cupping his tit.

"Was that okay?" Steve asks after a couple minutes.

Eddie turns over in Steve's arms. "You just gave me like three earth shattering orgasms, and you're asking if it was okay?"

"We didn't really talk about it before-"

Eddie cuts him off and says, "It was good. Like really fucking good, okay?"

Steve takes him at his word and says, "Okay. Good. I'm glad." He has this shy little smile on his face as he leans forward to kiss him and Eddie so badly wants to kiss him, but-

"I am so sorry, but I need you to brush your teeth before you kiss me," Eddie says, rearing back.

Steve takes it in stride and says, "Come keep me company?" sitting up and holding his hand out.

Eddie sits on the counter as Steve brushes his teeth and then lets Steve stand between his legs and kiss him with a minty fresh mouth for as long as he likes.

[tinydeskwriter]

Safe Harbor in a Storm (Dirty Trick. Part II)

A/n: I tried🤷🏻‍♀️

word count: 1473

2023 Grammy’s Award Night

The cameras flashes were blinding. Tonight especially, it seemed brighter than usual.

The frantic photographers screaming her name and asking for a new pose. She gave them her million dollars smile and posed to the camera, relaxing a little feeling her husband’s hand in her small back, drawing circles with his finger against the black lace of her naked dress. His hands eventually found hers against her growing belly—something that happens often since she announced her pregnancy the year before, it had been almost impossible to keep it a secret with her protective, affectionate husband always putting his hands on her, caressing ‘their’ bump— camera flashes fire more aggressively.     

The award season was their last ‘work related commitments’ before their baby birth in late may, they planned to welcome their lil nugget in London, close to his family and their closest friends—after a month long babymoon in Italy, full hours under the sun by the beach, delicious pastries and pastas— she would have three months of recover and then they would be on the road again—with their newborn—, going from one country to another.

Y/n loved how dedicated her husband was to her and their growing little family. 

Her heart felt ready to burst with love at the sight of the handsome Brit she had married a year and a half ago. 

Andrew was truly her dream man. All she ever wished a husband would be. It was like she had dreamed her perfect man he be became true.

They met through mutual friends a month after her painful break up with Harry. She went out with friends to celebrate that her ex had just take the rest of his stuff from her house. It had been hard, even with her ultimatum, Harry went forward with what Jeff though better, and for some reason the man had convinced himself that he would be able to sweet talk his way out of losing her. He failed to understand that Y/n Y/l/n was no man’s pretty little fool, she was no weakling and would never band to his wills, he wanted the PR stunt? Fine, she wouldn’t be the fool waiting for him to come home after he spent the day making out with his geriatric director.

As she prophetically old him: in a month, she’ll have moved on. 

Harry showed up to pick the rest of his shit as she was getting ready for a night out, he bagged and nearly cried, but she was unmovable. 

After she only wanted a strong drink and to forget, and that was the night she met Andrew… properly. They had met before over the years in award shows and mutual friends house parties, but never had been properly introduced. That night they talked… for hours. And by the end of the night Andrew had asked her out. She had wanted to say ‘no’, but something in his honest brown eyes made her give him her number. 

Their first date happened in LA, she arrived one and a half hours late,  he was patiently—and anxiously—waiting for her in a booth, and when he smiled at her and ignored her tardiness, that’s when she new that he was something special.

He was patient and gentle and kind, and less than a year after their first date they tied the knot in a small ceremony at Islington Town Hall, North London.

She had loved Harry, but Andrew had been game-changer.

He made an afford. He made time. He went out of his way to visit her on set in Australia and pretended that it was nothing ‘I’ve been wanting to try the waves around here’ he told her with a smile as he delivered a bouquet of sunflowers and her favorite chocolates that were found only in a particular little store in LA.

She proposed to him the same night Harry had drunken called her, and she realized that all the butterflies she had once felt hearing his voice were now death, but Andrew? His gentle soft gaze and raspy sleepy voice was able to wake a whole zoo in her stomach. She proposed in bed, no ring, nothing, they’re half sleeping, and he answer with ‘yes, sure’.

The very next day he gave her the yellow gold with sustainable diamonds engagement ring he had bought weeks before. They spent two months living together in Sydney, before moving in together and New York, before agreeing that London would be the best place to grow a family in the future.

They got married in the Spring in London, only two witnesses and no paparazzi in sight—they had a jewish ceremony two days later—. The newly wedded A-list couple shocked the world, no one knew they are a couple to begin with.

Fans shipped them. Haters criticized the fifteen years age gap. Media emphasized how odd a couple they made: Glam Hollywood Siren, Y/n Y/l/n and dorky, adorable, Andrew Garfield.

Harry called again after finding out, he was clearly drunk and probably on something else, ‘You’re really that delusional that you thought that I would wait around for you?’she had stated with refinements of cruelty when he finished his rambling. He asked her if she had married ‘that guy’—Andrew was always that guy to Harry— to spite him, to which she honestly told him ‘My directional debut was to spite you. You’re the last thing on my mind when I married Andrew, you killed the butterflies, and he woke the zoo…Andrew is in his own category, his own brand of masculinity, he’s far too amazing to be compared, and I love him, I love him, and he loves me back, he puts me first, he takes me into consideration in his decisions, he never hurt me, and I never doubt him.’

You were a hurricane, but he’s the safe harbor during a storm I always craved for. She never tells him. 

That was the last time they talked, and it has been almost two and a half years since she last saw him.

“You’re the most gorgeous women in this event, and I am the luckiest men.”Andrew said in her ear, making her blush and smile. 

“No need to sweet talk me, luv, we’re married already, and I am carrying your glorious spawn.” She joked, making him throw his head back and laugh.

She smiled bigger and turned her head to look at him. She was truly a lucky woman.

Y/n turned her head after hearing the screams in the red carpet. 

Her smile falter a little, their eyes met for a second—of course he would be here, he was nominated to seven awards—, for a moment she can swear she sees sadness and regret in his green eyes as he takes her in. She smiles brighter—a fake smile, but no one apart from the two men in the red carpet knows— and greets him from a distance, like they were never more than old acquaintances, like they never were engaged, like they never loved each other.

He made his choice. She made hers.

Life moves on.

She left him in her past. Harry Styles was a sentence in the book of her life. 

Andrew is her present and her future.

Harry was jus the guy that wrote songs about her but were never man enough to go against his management and claim her public.

She looks ahead as Andrew and her are guided through the carpet by a assistent.

[seireitonin]

Toby has nightmares, so why does he go to Jane’s room every time this happens?

(Toby angst ft Jane)

It happened again. The memories breaking loose from Slendermans hold and invading Toby’s mind as he slept. The hold on his memories weakened after 12 years of them being kept from his mind. They’ve been coming back randomly for four years now, randomly filling Toby’s head with his past of suffering. Not only his but his mothers and sisters. He remembered everything. The bruising of Lyras skin. The begging of his mother. The fists of his father. Toby having to use his body as his sister and mother’s shield and the scars he still has from it all over his body till this day. He remembers. Everything.

He was begging in his sleep as if he was the scared 17 year old boy again. Making noises of fear and sadness. “Lyra, get behind me, please! I can’t feel it! You can! Let me protect you!” If Toby could wake up in a cold sweat he would. CIPA won’t allow him to do that. He put his head in his hands and breathed heavily. Usually Nina would be there to calm him down, but she wasn’t here tonight. Something about a rave. Toby assured her he’d be fine so she wouldn’t feel bad about being away from him all night. Part of it was pride. He didn’t want to depend on her. Didn’t want Nina to know he did need her. Didn’t want her to know the he wanted her here. He’d rather suffer alone than be so vulnerable. Part of it was his self centered and obnoxious confident nature. He’s strong he doesn’t need anyone to help him. But tonight that just wasn’t true.

He put on a shirt and made his way to Jane’s room. He knows she’s awake. She rarely sleeps. He can see her light on through the cracks of the door. He opens it and enters without knocking and closes it behind him softly, not wanting anyone else to know he’s here.

Jane had been reading, her all black eyes scanning the pages as she was under the covers of her bed. She looked up at the 29 year old man with dark brown hair, pale skin and scars all over his arms with a look of knowing. She could see the fear in his eyes and the neediness. Although Toby would never admit to it or show it, his face still blank as he looked at her. But Jane knew. She had that same look in her eyes as Mary had to comfort her through the nightmare filled sleepless nights as Jane saw Jeff taking her parents away in her head over and over. Jane knew.

“I need it Jane.” Toby said blankly and almost demanding as he stared at her.

“Need it? Toby you know this isn’t healthy. You sound like an addict. You know this makes your hallucinations worse.”

“Since when do I care about health? I need it.” He dismissed her, as he walked toward the bed she was sitting on.

Jane shut the book she was reading. “And why should I do this for you, hm? You’ve been rude since you got in here.”

Toby furrows his brows, balls his fists and squeezes his eyes shut. “Jane…..I need her. Need to see her.”

Jane looks at him, narrowing her eyes as if waiting for the magic word.

“Please.” Toby opens his eyes and un balls his fists his face going blank again.

Jane sighs. Her black hair turning blonde. Her black eyes turning bluish green. Her black lips turning a lively pink. Her pale skin turning to a peachy fair tone. Her voice changing to a higher pitched one that Toby recognized and missed all too well.

“Hello, Toby” said the pseudo Lyra in front of him. She holds out her hands for Toby to take. “I missed you.”

Toby walk over and falls to his knees in front of her, taking her hands. “Lyra. I missed you. I missed you so much.” He couldn’t help it. He will always have a soft spot for his sister. Even though in the back of his mind he knew this wasn’t real.

Lyra softly cups Toby’s face. Her hands are warm and soft like he remembered her. He looks up at her, as she looks down at him softly. Lyra was the one person Toby didn’t mind being beneath. When she looked at him like that, he’ll stay beneath her forever.

“You had a nightmare about dad huh?” the pseudo Lyra said to him softly, still cupping his face.

Toby nods. “Your skin was so bruised. I couldn’t handle seeing you that way.”

“I’m okay Toby. See? I’m okay because of you.”

“I’d do anything to protect you. You…know that right?”

“Of course I do, Toby. All you’ve ever done was protect me.”

Toby put his head in her lap.

“But I couldn’t save you from the accident.”

“No one could. It’s not your fault.”

The disguised Jane, runs her fingers through his hair.

She had replicated everything about Lyra perfectly. Down to her fingernails. Toby loved every second of it. He missed his sister so badly. This was as close as he was going to get to her ever again.

“Lyra. I love you. I love you. I love you so much” Toby just lets it all out. Everything he wishes he said more to the real one.

“…….I love you too, Toby.”

That’s the last thing Jane says as Lyra before turning back to her normal self.

Toby immediately takes his head out of her lap and stands up. His face having a look of shock and anger.

“No! Jane, damnit, bring her back!”

“Toby. That’s enough for one night.”

“Bring….her back….God! Someone bring her back….” Toby sounded like he was about to cry, but quickly stops and catches himself. He’s above that. Above the grief and pain. He’s stronger than that.

Jane hugs him.

Toby tries to resist at first, but melts into it, hugging her back.

“I know what it’s like to loose the ones you love Toby. I’m sorry.”

How Toby loves women. They’re so soft and sweet. They’ve been comforting him all his life. Nothings changed.

“Thank you….Jane.”

Toby pulls away and leaves her room. Not wanting to be any more vulnerable than he has to be. Getting back into his bed and waiting to Nina to come home and join him in it. Maybe he’ll tell her he loves her more often. Maybe not. He’ll see how he feels in a few hours.

(Once again this isn’t proof read, sorry! I think Jane canonically being able to shape shift is so cool. Also happy Monday :3)

[legolasghosty]

what about #55, maybe for willex :)

Yeah. Um. Hi anon. If you ever see this, please know I am so deeply sorry for how long this took. Life has been a little... *gestures aimlessly at the half packed apartment around me* But Um. Here? I'm so sorry.

Alex groans and sits up. He's been trying to fall asleep for nearly 3 hours now and it refuses to come. He got so desperate that he literally tried counting imaginary sheep. No dice, even after like 231 of the stupid fluff balls. Alex swings his legs over the edge of the bed, shivering when his toes brush the cold linoleum floor, and gathers his focus enough to stay an inch above it. Might as well get a snack if sleep refuses to take him.

He doesn't bother being quiet, Reggie could sleep through a hurricane. Which is good, considering how loud that dog of his snores. But when he opens his bedroom door, the light over the stove is on. And there's someone staring into his fridge. Someone that is definitely not his roommate.

"What the heck!" Alex yelps, stepping back until his heel hits the wall and he stumbles.

The person inspecting his leftover pasta collection bolts upright, turning to stare at him. Alex catches a flash of long, dark hair and high cheekbones and his heartbeat starts racing for a second reason.

"Willie?" he asks, blinking.

"'lex?" Willie slurs, eyes a little unfocused. "'t's like three in the morning, what are you doing in my kitchen?"

"In your-Willie what are you doing in my kitchen!?" Alex demands, confused. Maybe he did fall asleep and this is some kind of crazy dream where his hot next-door neighbor is in his apartment.

"What do you mean?" Willie mumbles. Alex notices his knuckles whitening where they're gripping the fridge door.

"Willie are you okay?" he asks hesitantly.

Willie sort of nods. "Thick as a fiddle," he says slowly.

Alex shakes his head and takes a step closer. "That's not reassuring. What happened?"

"Sam and Jeff were mad at each other," Willie replies, shrugging and glancing back at the fridge.

"Who?" Alex questions.

"Classmates," Willie clarifies. "Think I stopped the fight."

Alex winces at the word 'fight'. He doesn't actually know Willie all that well, what with freezing up every time they bump into each other in the laundry room or something, but they seem like the sort of person to get in the middle of a fight. Physically.

"You should sit down," Alex suggests, approaching slowly. "Did you get hit in the head?"

"Sitting is good," Willie mumbles, closing the fridge to look around the dark common area.

Alex blinks and suddenly Willie is on the other side of the room, tripping over an ottoman and crashing down onto his couch. "Woah, Willie, be careful!" he yelps, dashing over.

"'m fine," Willie slurs, rolling over and pulling themselves onto the couch properly "Just a little dizzy."

"Okay no more teleporting for you tonight," Alex decides. "Did you get hit or hexed?"

"Hexed? I think?" Willie offers, brow furrowing. "Don't really remember."

Alex groans. It is way too late to be dealing with this, and of course the healing center won't open till the morning.

"Sorry, didn't mean to come into your place," Willie sighs. "I can leave?"

"Absolutely not," Alex argues immediately. "No way am I leaving you alone like this. Besides, your roommate is a jerk who probably wouldn't enjoy being woken up by you falling on your way to bed."

Willie winces and nods. "You sure?"

"Of course."

Alex drops down onto the end of the couch, beside Willie's feet. He tries to remember what his healing class said about hexes. The darkness seems much more frightening with Willie collapsed and dizzy beside him, even though the light over the oven is still on.

Sure, they might not actually be close, but they're probably not acquaintances anymore either. Alex has never been entirely sure where the line is between 'someone you know' and 'friend'. And if the way his heart rate picks up every time Willie's toes brush his thigh is any indication, he's not sure 'friend' is exactly what he wishes they were anyways. Either way, he cares about Willie and Willie is hurt.

"I think it's a confusion hex," Willie mentions a minute later. Alex glances over, raising his eyebrows in question. "Sam's the one out of them that's good with hexes," they explain, "and confusion ones are his main thing. So that's probably what I got hit with."

Alex nods slowly and pulls out his phone. Thank the stars for the internet. The symptoms he's getting seem to mostly line up with what Willie has been doing and saying since he scared the living daylights (nightlights?) out of Alex ten minutes ago.

"Okay, according to the WaM-HO," Alex reads aloud, "confusion hexes will generally wear off on their own. How long this takes depends on the strength of the caster, lasting anywhere from an hour to two weeks on average."

Willie groans. "I would really like to be able to see straight sooner than next month?"

Alex resists the urge to place a hand on his ankle and squeeze to offer comfort. They're not that close. "Sounds like there's meds and countercharms that can speed things up," he says, skimming the rest of the page. "And I'm guessing your friend isn't a fully trained hexer so I doubt it would last the full two weeks."

"Classmate," Willie corrects. "Not my friend."

Alex frowns and turns off his phone to give Willie his full attention. "Then why were you out with them in the first place?" he asks. Maybe it's too personal a question, but it's 3 in the morning and this whole situation is just a mess so Alex can't bring himself to care that much.

"We had a late exam and a bunch of the guys were going out after to unwind," Willie begins, head drooping to rest against the back of the couch. "I haven't really had a ton of luck making friends in classes so I guess I figured it was a good idea when they asked me."

"Sorry," Alex answers when Willie doesn't continue. "Though if it makes you feel any better, they don't sound like great people to be friends with anyways."

"Yeah, dodged a bullet on that one I guess." Then Willie smirks, setting something aflutter in Alex's stomach. "Just didn't dodge the hex."

Alex lets out a startled chuckle. "Too soon, man," he declares.

"My injury, my jokes," Willie retorts, poking Alex with their foot.

Alex rolls his eyes. "Well rest is probably your best bet on that unmissed hex," he comments, climbing to his feet. "Come on, you can use my bed," he adds, offering Willie a hand up.

"Dude, I'm not taking your bed," Willie protests. "I'll be fine on the couch."

"That couch is barely wide enough for your shoulders," Alex points out. "You falling and cracking your head open isn't going to help anything. I'll sleep out here."

"It's your bed though," Willie responds. "You need to sleep too."

Alex shrugs. "It'll be fine, not like I was doing so hot on that before you got here either."

Willie grabs Alex's hand suddenly, pulling himself up. "Okay then we'll just share."

Alex fights to keep his balance, both from Willie's unexpected weight and from the suggestion. "It's a twin, there's no way we'll both fit," he argues.

"Too bad," Willie says, keeping his hand wrapped around Alex's as he heads for his room.

"Willie hang on," Alex tries as he's pulled along. Darn how standing on air doesn't give him much traction to resist. His cheeks are already heating up at just the thought of sharing his tiny bed with his very attractive (and sweet and funny and thoughtful and-) neighbor, no way is he going to survive it actually happening without a heart attack.

"It'll be fine," Willie says, entering the bedroom.

He finally drops Alex's hand and turns around to sit on the messed up blankets of Alex's bed. Alex can barely make out his face in the dim light from the kitchen, but something seems to soften.

"Look, if it really makes you uncomfortable, we don't have to," Willie adds gently. "But like... if you just don't want to because you think it's going to make me feel weird, it won't."

Alex isn't sure where all the air in his lungs has gotten to. It's definitely not his brain though, because he finds himself nodding. "I'll get the light," he says, ducking out again to hit the switch over the stove.

When he returns to his room and his eyes adjust to the darkness, he can just make out Willie lying down in his bed, fumbling with the blankets. Then a hand reaching out towards him. Alex will blame his exhausted brain for it in the morning, but he takes it and settles down beside his neighbor.

It takes them a minute to figure out how to both comfortably fit on the narrow bed. By the time Willie's breathing evens out, they're laying half on top of Alex, their hands still linked. Alex is sure his heart is hammering too fast for him to doze off, but the next thing he knows is the siren that is Reggie's alarm going off around 8 am.

He isn't sure what to make of the fact that he feels more rested than he has in weeks.

[monstersinthecosmos]

September 7, 1973

A week ago he picked up Darla at the trendy bar two blocks away. And she was cool. It was a good story and they had a nice night after. And it’s felt like such a long fucking week.

But tonight he’ll try a little harder. Get his shit together. He always finds more interesting people at the gay bars on Friday nights, and he keeps a list to rotate through them. 

He doesn’t want drama or anything, and he thinks he’s always been fair to people. He doesn’t try to trick them in their interviews, and the versions that air don’t villainize anybody. And he wouldn’t sleep with any of them if it seemed like it would compromise the story, or make it harder to navigate the club scene. His excuse is that if he rotates through more bars, more neighborhoods, that he’ll be widening his sample group, but a small part of him also hopes to avoid the awkwardness of confronting a one night stand.

Anyway, it’s Pink Baby night.

It’s been a couple months since he went out to that one. And there’s something nagging him as he’s getting ready. Every time he’s gone to the Pink Baby he’s felt underdressed, out of place. Stuff like that doesn’t usually matter to him, but it’s been such a long week and his mind is spiraling little bit. He can picture himself lugging around his bag (be real, Molloy, it’s a briefcase and you look like an asshole) like a fucking square and he can picture himself discovering the most fascinating person there. And what if he looks too foolish, too childish, what if he misses out?

So he combs his hair. Thinks about his outfit for more than five seconds. High waisted corduroys and a thick belt. Jeff told him they make his ass look good. And a nice shirt that he tucks in. And his bomber jacket, the shiny blue one with a sun on the back. The sun rays curve over the shoulders, end over his sternum. He checks himself out in the bathroom mirror and thinks it should be okay.

He preps a flask to keep in his pocket for later, and chews on a cold piece of pizza. He digs through his bag on his desk, checking that all his equipment is ready, he has enough batteries, enough tapes. 

Charlie’s tape is still in the side pocket. 

He holds it in his hand, turns it over, taps his nails against the hard case.

This one will never be published, he thinks. It’s too raw. There’s no narrative to spin except to make him sound like a lunatic, and even if Daniel doesn’t believe him, he aches with anxiety as he remembers the way Charlie cried.

He hadn’t gotten around to labeling it. Hasn’t taken notes. Just stuck it in the side pocket to keep it safe.

Well. 

He cracks the case open. Sticks the tape into the recorder.

No one needs to hear this one. He’ll tape over it if he meets somebody tonight. And he hopes he meets someone tonight, because it’s been a shitty week and he wants to unwind. And if that someone wants to fuck him after, that would be fine, too.

So he’s got a beer in hand forty minutes later and he’s circling the perimeter of the room, studying the options, looking for the right person. There are a few familiar faces as he weaves through but nothing awkward. He drinks too fast, maybe, fidgeting, feeling like he’s off his game for some reason.

The bottle is empty by the time he does a loop all the way around. He rolls it between his palms as he makes his way back to the bar, and thunks it down, and he’s fishing money out of his pocket for a replacement when he feels something. 

Unmoving, unnatural. Blur of shapes in his periphery as the bartender slides the new beer to him.  Cracked Actor by David Bowie comes on, so loud that the floor vibrates beneath his feet, and he turns to see the person hovering nearby.

This is the one, he thinks.

It’s not always easy to know, not just from looking at someone. In fact, Daniel would discourage hunting that way. Being so superficial, so judgmental, is the opposite of empathy. But every so often there’s just, something about someone.

Intuition, maybe. The jolt of energy that zippers up the insides of his thighs.

He sips his beer and barely tastes it, his brain three steps behind him trying to make sense of what he’s looking at. Too overwhelming to process the striking, uncanny beauty in the same moment he notices the severely black suit, the emerald ring, the fucking cape.

Daniel’s heart races. He almost chokes on his beer as the man turns to stare right into him.

“Hello,” he says, serene, no attempt to be heard over the music but it hits Daniel straight in the chest. He puts the beer down and wipes his hand on his pant leg before reaching out to shake.

“Hey,” he says. “I’m Daniel.”

The man’s gaze drifts downward to Daniel’s hand, thick black lashes and bright green eyes. Studying for a moment as if Daniel is the weirdo here. And then he smiles, quietly amused, and accepts.

Cold, Daniel thinks, immediately, before it even registers. The man’s hand is so fucking cold. And so soft, and so…

Their eyes meet again. 

Daniel thinks he’s safe about interviews, about picking up strangers. He usually feels people out before inviting them somewhere private. Sometimes if he’s not positive, maybe not-so-private. Somewhere with a second exit, or thin walls if he has to scream. But there have been times, in this situation, with all these alarms sounding through his insides, that he never even pitches. 

But he can’t look away.

Too green, and his skin is too pale. The neons over the bar catch the sharp angle of his cheekbone, the strong jaw, and he doesn’t seem…

He thinks of Charlie, for some reason. Fuck, he even thinks of the midnight sun guy. Can’t remember his name, but his voice echoes inside Daniel’s skull. Cosmic horror. And he wonders, for a moment, if these two weren’t full of shit. If things are out there.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Daniel asks. 

The stranger nods, and his eyes don’t leave Daniel in the time it takes to flag the bartender down, to pay him, to slide the beer over. And the stranger stares at it like he’s never seen one in his life, like all of this is an oddity, and he curls his hand around the bottle but doesn’t drink it.

And Daniel thinks he’s safe. About interviews. About going to new places, with new people. With strangers. And he thinks he’s good at reading people. Someone might be fucking crazy, wearing a cape to a bar, but this guy is so… 

Safe. And Daniel doesn’t pick people for how they look. Sometimes they fuck him after but it’s not…

All the air empties out of his lungs. His face feels numb. He sits on the bar stool and reaches for his cigarettes, fumbling because he can’t look away.

Too clear to be a crazy person, Daniel thinks. A fucking character, though. A goldmine. 

The stranger reaches forward, gently taking the matchbook from Daniel’s hands as he struggles with it. Snaps one alight, stares into Daniel’s eyes as he cups his hands around the flame and lifts it for him.

And the firelight, dancing in his eyes. 

No one believes me, Charlie had cried.

Daniel inhales. Shudders in pleasure. Fresh first hit, and his mind perks back up. The stranger blows the match out, almost delicately, and places it into one of the ash trays on the bar.

All the blood vessels in his brain open up. His shoulders relax. The head rush hits him the way his arousal does, and for a moment it’s all he can think about. Aching between his legs and he feels like he’s floating.

The Bowie chords throb through his core and they sound so fucking raunchy.

He should be safe. 

The stranger hasn’t blinked once, this whole time, Daniel thinks. 

But he should be safe. Even though something feels off. Something in his gut telling him that this is dangerous. It pinches his sides, kicks his heart into overdrive, but each drag of his cigarette smoothes it out into something so warm. And as he watches the stranger’s face he feels like, like…

Like he can’t tell it apart anymore.

[previous day] | [next day]

[afreakingdork]

Crush Too Much - Master Playlist

Here is the current master-list of all the songs you all have recommended to go along with Crush Too Much! This page will update as more songs come in:

Mirror Mirror (White Trailer) by Jeff Williams

Ocean Away by Barlow & Bear

El Clavo by Prince Royce

If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping With Sirens

Figure You Out by Djo

Go for It by Djo

Connect the Dots by Greer

Rocky and Window by Still Woozy

First Time by Lucy Dacus

Kissing Lessons by Lucy Dacus

Baby by Hippo Campus

Vanilla Twilight by Owl City

El Tango De Roxanne by Ewan McGregor, Jacek Koman, and José Feliciano

Tongues & Teeth by The Crane Wives

Never Love an Anchor by The Crane Wives

I'm Not Crazy by Kevin Walkman

Shit by Bo Burnham

Your Stupid Face by Kaden MacKay

Coffee by Jack Stauber

Let You Break My Heart Again by Laufey and Philharmonia Orchestra

Two Time by Jack Stauber

Nobody Gets Me by SZA

Meteor Shower by Cavetown

I Like You by dandelion hands

Ocean Waves by Alaina Castillo

Smitten by Leanna Firestone

Olive Branch by Sophie Holohan

O Sol e a Lua by Pequeno Cidadão

Sally’s Song by Catherine O'Hara

To Exist With You by Madilyn Mei

Roses by Phoneboy

Boy's a Liar by PinkPantheress

Dsco by Sweet Trip

Genesis by Grimes

Remember When by Wallows

i love you by Billie Eilish

Just a Friend to You by Meghan Trainor

The Winner Takes It All by ABBA

I Love You So by The Walters

Line Without a Hook by Ricky Montgomery

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

The Night We Met by Lord Huron

An Idiot by Phemiec

Where Do the Lonely Souls Go? by George Salazar

Less and Less by Matt Maltese

Irrational by Cavetown

Without You Around by Rare Americans

Loverboy by A-Wall

What About Me (Television / So Far So Good) by Rex Orange County

Out of My League by Fitz and The Tantrums

Fear & Delight by The Correspondents

Bullet by Saint Motel

i think you're really cool by Guardin

Obsession by OK Go

Feel Better by Penelope Scott

Teenage Runaways by Hot Milk

Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

Again by Crusher-P

despair by leo.

Where Did the Party Go by Fall Out Boy

Almost Is Never Enough by Ariana Grande

Invisible by Anna Clendening

Starry Night by Jordan Critz

Dark Beach by PASTEL GHOST

All I Wanted by Paramore

Astronomy by Conan Gray

Nervous by The Neighbourhood

Afraid by The Neighbourhood

I Want You by Mitski

Francis Forever by Mitski

First Love / Late Spring by Mitski

Humpty by Mitski

The Only Heartbreaker by Mitski

Come Into the Water by Mitski

Escapism. by 070 Shake and Raye

Kawaki wo Ameku by Minami (カワキヲアメク by 美波)

I Really Want to Stay at Your House by Hallie Coggins and Rosa Walton

save your breath by JVKE

Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban

Painkiller by Beach Bunny

Sunsetz by Cigarettes After Sex

Snow by Ricky Montgomery

Let Her Go - Acoustic by Passenger

Why Do I by Set it off, Hatsune Miku

Bite Me by Avril Lavigne

Bad Habit

Song by Steve Lacy

In an Emergency Such as the End of the World by Chase Petra

Wait On by Hayley Williams

Asystole by Hayley Williams

firearm by Lizzy McAlpine

I Know the End by Phoebe Bridgers

Yours by Conan Gray

Lover, You Should've Come Over by Jeff Buckley

i want, doesn't get by DellaXOZ

Hope by Blood Orange and Dev Hynes

Never Wanna Fall in Love With U by nelward

The Moon Will Sing by The Crane Wives

Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley

Heartache Tonight by Eagles

Waves By Dean Lewis

I'm Not in Love by 10cc

Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

Ready To Love by Emarosa

Cautious by Emarosa

Wait, Stay by Emarosa

Fireworks by Mitski

Eternity With You by Adventure Time feat. Michaela Dietz & Zuzu

Monsters by All Time Low feat. Demi Lovato and blackbear

Out Like a Light by Ricky Montgomery & The Honeysticks

j's lullaby (darlin' i'd wait for you) by Delaney Bailey

I Don't Wanna Be Okay Without You by Charlie Burg

Don’t Wanna Fall in Love by Jane Child

Grow As We Go by Ben Platt

Creep by Radiohead

Happy by Mitski

Someone You Like by The Girl and the Dreamcatcher

An Awkward Duet by Dodie and Jon Cozart

Ma Belle Evangeline by Jim Cummings

Mamma Mia by ABBA

Um, it's Kind of a Lot by Will Wood

Hollywood by Jukebox the Ghost

Would You Be So Kind? by Dodie

Kill the Director by The Wombats

Conversations with the Moon By grentperez

The Color Violet by Tory Lanez

Heart Attack by Demi Lovato

Maybe So by Kid Cudi

Can’t Shake Her by Kid Cudi featuring Ty Dolla $ign

Willing to Trust by Kid Cudi featuring Ty Dolla $ign

Want It Bad by Cowboy Malfoy

My Heart Is Buried In Venice by Ricky Montgomery

Violet by Wild Party

A Shitty Love Song by Jye

You Are in Love by Taylor Swift

Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows

I Hear a Symphony by Cody Fry

FFF by Zara Larsson

Heartbeat by Childish Gambino

Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears

Here With Me by d4vd

One More Shot by CIL

Hopelessly Devoted To You by Olivia Newton-John

I Ain't Perfect by IV of Spades

If It All Goes South by Sammy Rae & The Friends

I Dare You by The Regrettes

Sarcasm by Get Scared

Die for You by Joji

golden hour by JVKE

moon and back by JVKE

this is what falling in love feels like by JVKE

how deep? by Tai Verdes

Nonsense by Sabrina Carpenter

Glimpse of Us by Joji

Try Again by JAEHYUN and d.ear

Pluto Projector by Rex Orange County

Wag Kang Mag-expect, Tanga by Fishy Bishie

All I Ask by Adele

Against the Kitchen Floor by Will Wood

Absence by Rio Romeo

Inarticulation by Rio Romeo

Never There Enough by PROM

Ever After by Marianas Trench

Science & Faith by The Script

Patchwork Staccato by Rachie

Hopeless by Khalid

It Ain’t Over ’til It’s Over by Lenny Kravitz

Snow On The Beach by Taylor Swift and Lana Del Rey

Your Hands Are Cold by Dario Marianli and Jean-Yves Thibaudet

A Postcard to Henry Purcell by Dario Marianli and Jean-Yves Thibaudet

Salut d'Amour by Edward Elgar

What's Wrong by half•alive

Dandelions by Ruth B

Move Me by half•alive

Arrow by half•alive

selfdestruct by torr

Lovers Rock by TV Girl

I Didn't Know That I Could Feel This Way by Roger Bart and Susan Egan

Pink in the Night by Mitski

A New Hour by Mr.Kitty

@cryptkillo was kind enough to put together a Spotify Version!

[andhetoldmeiwasholy]

Marina Prompts-

1. Carina has enough from dating and applies to be part of a TV show, where they find your ‘perfect’ match based on science and the participants see their match the first time in front of the altar. Carina meets Maya on their wedding day and both go through with the ceremony, but now without cameras there, they have to find out if this was the perfect match or should they get a divorce

2. Being a single parent and not getting out of the house enough is not easy, but maya loves their kid and if they have to put their dating life on hold, so be it. But when Carina moves into the apartment next door, it’s the kids that see an opportunity to make their parents happy

3.Carina moves into a new apartment and wants to check out the closest dog park. Their dog (Jeff) loves it there, especially that one dog (ford) that seems to be there almost every time they go. With their dogs being madly in love with each other, Maya and Carina are forced to spend more time together as well

4.Carina getting hella jealous when she sees Maya out and about with their (not) date and end up following them around. Maya catches them and is like, “Why are you following me?” And Carina’s like, “To tell your date how much of a dick you are so they can avoid dating someone like you.” (or, alternatively: Maya cornering Carina about it, and Maya being like, “But why do you care?” and Carina saying, “I don’t.” And then they somehow end up fucking them in a random alleyway or at a back of a bar or something. You can fill in the details on how they get to that point.)

One shots-

5. Maya starts her period on shift, has to message/call Carina in a panic hoping they don’t get called out. Doesn’t wanna ask Beckett to leave.

6. Maya spilling coffee/soup all over themselves by accident and starts panicking, so (insert character) helps them take off/clean their clothes right when Carina walks in

7. “C’mere… Want snuggles.” (Featuring grabby hands!!!)

8. Maya bleeds through while asleep, wakes up embarrassed (or Carina wakes her up)

9. “Stop sticking your feet down my pants!” “It’s not my fault your asscheeks are hella warm.”

10. “I wanna be big spoon this time.” “But you’re tiny.”

Sentence smut starters prompts-

11. Maya/Carina strap au “all i can think of is sitting on top of your hard cock

12. Maya/Carina AU- Maya is a porn director who owns her own company, Carina is just starting out in the business to further her study. They cross paths.

13. “God you’re such a dick” “Yeah and you are about to take it like a good girl.”

14. “You’re the sweetest thing I have ever tasted.”

15. Maya/Carina fight turns smutty “Go fuck yourself.” Cocky Maya “Only if you watch me~”

16. “What are we doing right now?” “Fucking. What else?” “…It feels more than just fucking.”

17. “Show me how you do it when you touch yourself.”

18. Mile high club- Carina books them first class seats, she’s gotta learn how to be quiet. “You have to be quiet if you want to cum, bambina”

19. “If I have to pull over, you’ll be walking funny for the next week.”

20. ‘Innocent’ movie night “You don’t realize what it does to me when we’re cuddling and you press your ass against me.”

21. “What the fuck?  Do that again.  I liked it.”

22. “How are you so oblivious?  I’m trying to tell you I’m fucking horny!”

23. “You know it’s fine if you’re a little rough with me, right?” “But I don’t want to hurt you…” “It’s fine, I can take it. I want it rough. Please?” 

24. “Wake up!” “What? What happened?” “Why did you just moan in your sleep?” “…What, were you turned on by it?” “What?! No, of course not! Umm….Disturbed, but definitely not turned on.” 

25. “Where should I sit?” / “The couch works just fine, but if you prefer comfort, my face works far better my darling.”

26. Maya-“Your wife isn’t very pleased with the outfit you chose to wear tonight, you made those fools think they stood a chance.” / Carina-“Maybe they did.” / Maya-*incredulous laughter* “Is that right baby? I go on a work trip for a few days and you just forget who you belong to? Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll remind you.”

27. “Kiss me, please.” / “Is that all you want baby, is for me to kiss you?” / “N-no, I also want you to fuck me senseless, but a kiss sounded far more romantic.”

28. “Fuck, you’re doing so great for me, sweetheart,” Carina praises, hands gripping onto the sides of Maya’s hips as she rub herself against her wife’s thigh in a quickening pace; smiling a little when Maya whimpers at the praise. 

Please let me know if you write any!!

Please lemme know if you write any 🙏🏻

[tic-toc-clock77]

Next part of the Ticciwork story

link; https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/352890178-tics-and-ticking-a-ticciwork-story

September 27th, 2013 8:00 a.m.

Clockwork groggily opens her eyes to the shining sun. With half open eyes, she sluggishly makes her way out of bed. The metal bars of the frame and crappy thin sheets and blanket didn't make for a very nice sleep.

She grabs her jacket from the small drawer across the room from her bed and puts it on. She grabs her boots she'd left by the door and puts them on. She walks out in the hallway, its walls are wooden as well as the floors, which are a darker brown. There are paintings and drawings along the walls, she considers adding her own but without any paper...she sighs.

Once she's made her way down the stairs, she gauges everyone. She peers around the room at Jeff, sitting with Ben on the couch, controllers in their hands as they play some game her one working eye fails to register from the bright light. She peers down at Sally, running across the living room to the kitchen, back and forth, with a beaten up Teddy Bear in her arms.

With the living and dining rooms connected she's able to view pretty much everyone. She's barely talked to them but she knows their names. She makes her way over to the dining room, containing 10 chairs in total, with an extra one, having been added for her last night.

The chair is rickety and old. From her seat, she's able to peak out the large window where the view extends deep into the forest. "Good morning!" She jumps at Toby's voice, nearly falling from her seat. 

"What the fuck?" Her eyes pierce into his soul as she places her feet firmly on the ground to keep from falling. He just laughs and takes off his mask. "Looks like I'll be monitoring you for the next 6 months!" He says with a chirp before a small whistle. Her heart drops her stomach with a low groan. This guy? Seriously?  She thinks to herself. "Right." She mumbles. Her whole body cringes from the scent and the sounds around her.

everything is so fucking loud. 

It's too much, much too much. At this point she'd have rather continued sleeping in the alleyway with the scent of trash and homeless folks around. This motherfucker looks like he has herpes or at least, something is wrong with the guy. "Uh," she starts uncomfortably, though ultimately at a loss for words. "I'll be seeing you tonight then?" She nods, slowly as if to make sure everything around her is really happening.  He places his hand on her shoulder with a giddy smile on his face that drops when he tries to meet her energy. She glances at the placement of his hand, he smiles quickly and squeezes  her shoulder but with no sense of pain, it's nearly impossible to adjust to the sense of pain others. 

She grits her teeth at the pain subconsciously and its a strange 3 seconds between the two before he finally backs off, a whistle and a chirp, as had become usual for him in the past months. They wave, though it's much more awkward on Clockwork's side of things.

....11:08 p.m.

Night, it was time. The time had finally matched up with her and maybe tonight, it wouldn't be her enemy. She hoped, at least, as she stopped pacing around her room. She slaps her hands down on the table and thought over her plan one more time;

Follow Toby Kill the victims Pretend like everything is fine until it's over Then, run out back to the alley.

Okay, so, not the best plan but it certainly is a plan.  She thought as she pulled her jacket over her shoulders and tied the laces of her boots. She went over the plan again and again in her mind.

Once she made it to the door, she watched as Toby readjusted his orange goggles so they fit over his eyes, pulling back the elastic and allowing it to snap back to rest in his hair. She took notice as to how he looked entirely different when the mask was around his mouth and the goggles concealed his eyes, she couldn't even think of what he looked like before putting them on.

"Ready to go?" His voice when the words plopped out was much different from his face just moments ago; serious, focused with a hint of some sort of sadness or guilt in his eyes which melted away with his chipper and excited tone when he turned to face her.

She nodded at his question, pulling her hood over her face and moving her a piece of her hair over her eye, or what was her eye her at some point, which now held a clock inside the socket, which ticked steadily, medium paced.

"That's an interesting thing you got...going on there." Toby said awkwardly within the tense atmosphere of the forest and their slow pacing as both their feet crunched the leaves below them. She said nothing, digging her hands into her sweater pockets. Toby chuckled nervously at her demeanor.

The moon was full that night as it arched over the tall trees, that if you looked at them just right, they would almost start to look like people, tall and grotesque people, stretched limb from limb, like a medieval torture method...it started to inspire her so much she dropped dead in her tracks.

"I could draw this." She mumbled softly, the corners of her mouth turning to a smile. Toby spun his body around to head back and stand by her side, anxious to make some sort of connection. "You draw?" He asked with genuine intrigue. Feeling awkward, she just shrugged and started to walk again.

"I'd love to see it." He said, running up to her side. "Your art, I mean." He corrected himself. She wasn't very eager to make connections with people she wasn't planning on ever seeing again so she dug her hand into her pockets and said nothing.

She continued to receive his attention, albeit unwanted, the entire way into the city. He didn't seem to notice that she was clearly uninterested or he did and simply didn't care. Maybe he just likes the sound of his own voice. Either way, it was making it impossible to think clearly.

Crash...

Toby climbed in the window before her, he kicked away the shards of glass on the floor with the side of his sneaker. He extended a gloved hand toward Clockwork, she glanced; the glove was covered in dust and some dried blood. Reluctantly, she took his hand and stepped through the shattered window, careful not to touch the shards still stuck inside the brown window pane. Slipping in, her boots crush a shard. "Careful." He whispered, patting her arm while looking around. In the corner of the room there was a small lamp, it glowed warmly as it sat just past the ugly green couch that complimented the darker shade of green in the carpet and the brown wooden walls. She followed behind him and they walked slowly.

Under her foot, the carpet squished and she sniffed the air. "Must be a deep sleeper." Toby mumbled, the serious expression from before returned to his face. She faced the direction he'd spoken from and noticed a large dog laying peacefully on the ground, it began to snore. She guessed what she'd just stepped in would be dog piss, she shuddered slightly.

She walked in front of him, slowly creeping and from behind, she heard the sound of paper crinkling, "Jason and Miranda Hayes." He whispered the victims names to her, she nodded. Her pulse started to go up as she pulled her knife from she'd hidden it and started to drag it against the walls, a long slicing noise came from it that cut off sharply when that area of wall would end. Her smile turned up again as she opened the creaking door to the couple's room.

"Who's there?!" The man shot up, making Clockwork lunge at him, the woman awoke with a start beside him. Clockwork clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

"Your time is up."

Her tone dripping with darkness, she stuck her knife into the man's throat, leaving him without time to react. Her blade was shoved so deeply, it stuck out of the other side of his neck only to be yanked from the hole, his body fell limp with the red liquid spilling onto the blue and white sheets and blankets. Clockwork breathed heavily, her wide smile caused by the sensation of the stomach acid and adrenaline. Just as the woman beside him went to stand, Toby grabbed her arm and yanked her backward so harshly, she fell to the floor with a thud. He kneeled to the woman with fear in her big blue eyes and through the thin metal bars of his mask, he smiled. Chuckling lowly, he raised his hatchet and swung down. "Now." She thought, anxiously moving herself toward the open window of the bedroom, she swung her legs through it and took off running.

She'd made it down the road, covered in blood and dirt, a knife gripped firmly in her hand. She aimed to get as far away from the forest as possible, she'd go back to alley if she had to. At least, she'd have her freedom, at the very least she had herself, she needed nobody else.

Breath heaving, she didn't stop running until, just as she ran to cross the road, a car came speeding toward her, like a deer in headlights, she froze. Just as she locked eyes with the man in the vehicle, a hand pulled her back by her waist. Pulled backward, she stumbled for a moment before turning to attack whoever it was that had grabbed at her, swinging her knife with the rest of her body. "What the fuck is your problem?!" Toby shouted, grabbing at her wrist before she had the chance to swing, her eyes narrowed....