#but ive had so many i never shared for YEARS LIKE...no one is around forever :(

[eatmeandbirthmeagain]

hello! a little fic request I’ve been thinking on, not pressuring you to write it or anything, just wanted to share.

the y/n is a hot tempered foreign princess who got married to Baldwin when they were both children. she’s very energetic, straightforward, man-like in her character, but has to adapt to fit in the court of Jerusalem and also to „suit” her husband’s calm manner and the fact that he’s ill doesn’t help.

she’s unhappy about it; maybe even tears a little during the wedding, but doesn’t let anyone to think she may be vulnerable (mostly because she understand that that can be used against her in the future after Baldwin dies). but over the time she finds herself drawn to Baldwin because, well, unlike her teachers, he lets her study and play chess with him. he cares about her desires and interests. he also respects her, not just like a woman but as a friend, and a clever one. maybe some of her advice on the politics is used by him at some point (which would be absolutely unrealistic, but really, we’re talking historical romance with a leper king here…). a cute detail would be him gifting her a weapon of some sort to protect herself because he knows how she doesn’t like being treated like she’s helpless. bonus points if he says something romantic and or pathos’y about it.

did I write this whole oc story as a multiple chapter fanfiction in my head? yes, I did. am I going to finish it? absolutely no. but I’d love to read your interpretation!

♧ "Princess" - King Baldwin x Reader ♧

♧ Angst ♧

A/N: Hello Anon! So sorry for taking so long to write this, ive had so many requests. I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind but it was my interpretation and I hope you like it! I dont really like how it turned out as your request had so much detail and my writing does that no justice, but I hope its okay ☺️! As always, this is based on the film Kingdom Of Heaven, not the real historical figgures. This is also set pre-film. Enjoy!

TW: Leprosy

At thirteen years old, marriage was the last thing on young y/n’s mind. But yet, here she was. Soon to arrive in the city of Jerusalem, to be wed to a boy she had only ever met a handful of times.

Baldwin the fourth. The leper, who's mother just so happend to be ready to find him a wife at the same time her father was ready to find her a husband.

She sat in silence for the entire journey, this was uncommon for her. She usually always had something interesting to say or something to observe with curiosity. But as per request by her father, from now on she “had to act like a proper lady. No more of this ridiculous 'masculine' behavior”.

“You will be wed to a king y/n” he had told her. “You must stop acting the way you do. No king will be allowed such behavior from his wife”. 

Her attempt to keep to herself for the journey had been successful so far. She remained silent and still. Just as her mother taught her. “Just how a lady should be”. 

As the city came into view, y/n felt tears begin to burn her eyes. She would never again be allowed to explore the wilderness on her fathers land, or read every book she was allowed to have from the library. She surrendered herself to a life of boredom and suppression. 

Once exiting the carriage, she was greeted by the royal officials as well as the king's mother.

“I am so pleased to finally meet you young lady" she greeted her with a smile "you shall make a fine wife for my son” . Y/n thanked her and was ushered off quickly to prepare her for the hour of the wedding.

Y/n held back tears as servants worked busily around the room. Dressing her in beautiful garments, jewelry, and makeup. She was distraught. But she dare not cry. They could not see her so weak.

----------------------

The events proceeded and y/n barely even looked at the boy she was marrying. She could not bring herself to make eye contact with the man who would rule her life forever.

They told her to smile. “No man wants to see a lady disappointed on her wedding day” the king's mother had told her before they entered the church.

Baldwin himself was nervous about this day but just enthusiastic. Unlike y/n, he was looking forward to being wed to a young woman. He did not want just a wife to serve him, but a companion too. Someone who he could speak to about all kinds of things. Someone who would love him as much as he loved them. When he saw her, she looked beautiful, but sad. Very sad.

He hoped she was not sad about marrying him. Perhaps his illness deterred her from wanting to even be near him.

But she was still beautiful. She was 14, just like him. He could not take his eyes off her. He had met her a few times before, and she interested him deeply, even though they barely spoke. He more so just watched her play and talk with the other young people from his bedroom chamber window, longing to join them if it was not for his illness.

She played more with the young boys than she did with the girls. Always full of energy and life, always talking and laughing. But now, she looked different. As if the light had been drained from her. 

--------------------

When the wedding was over, the young king and queen got acquainted in the boy's chambers. She still seemed very quiet and unsure about his presence.

“Are you alright?” He asked her the second they were alone. “Yes your highness” she replied in a small voice, very different to the excitable tone she used to have. She sighed and lowered herself onto the small couch, turning away from him to look at her hands.

Baldwin thought for a moment, but then remembered that his mother requested he chose a wedding gift to present her after the affairs.

“I have a gift for you,” he said happily, lightening the mood.

He noticed her eyes light up a little at the comment. “You do?”

“Yes, would you like to see it?”

Y/n nodded excitedly, a smile forming on her face for the first time all day. The boy stood and disappeared behind the red, satin curtains that covered the large windows. He returned a few seconds later with something behind his back and a wide smile.

"I had to hide it, so my mother did not see what I chose for you" he explained. This peeked y/n's intrest greatly.

“Alright, close your eyes, '' he told her, the smile still plastered to his face. Y/n shut her eyes with anticipation. When he told her to open her eyes, she was lost for words. In the young king's bandaged hands, he held a shining silver sword with a pale pink ribbon tied around the handle.

Her eyes widened and stared at the sword for a long time before taking it in her hands to admire it. “Do you like it?” he asked, cautiously, hoping he had not offended her.

“Baldwin.. I love it!!” she exclaimed with a grin, jumping to her feet and wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him into a tight hug. The smile returned to his face and he put his arms around her waist.

“Now you can defend yourself my love. No wife of mine will be left vulnerable, even if there are men to protect her. She will defend herself, because she is strong.” His words filled the queen with happiness and hope. Perhaps her father was wrong after all and she could remain as herself. At least in the presence of her husband. 

-------------------

From that day on, they were inseparable. Unlike y/n’s tutors and parents, he allowed her access to his entire private library so they could study and read together. He allowed her time to herself, so she could do the things she loved without anybody telling her how to behave.

He quite often went as far as to seek her out for advice on political issues, not allowing her straightforward intelligence to go to waste.

Overtime, y/n became used to her duties as queen, but as much as she learnt to fit the role, she treasured her time alone with Baldwin. He cared about her interests, her desires. He respected her, more than anyone else ever had. They played chess together as well, each game being a delightful battle of the mind.

He saw her as not just a wife, but as a companion and an intelligent one at that. And for this, she would be forever greatful.

[onlyplatonicirl]

boom explosion. guess what its been 2 years since i came into your ask box to bother you about blogverse!!! as usual its the roleplayer behind the first lorelcest kid Oleander, Mercury, and most importantly to me, Bv!Shandyo

genuine apologies if you dont enjoy these! thats pretty fair and i get that it didnt affect everyone else as strongly as it did me, i just feel like its important that you know how much youve affected my life positively.

so, i was a bullied, neglected kid with unsupervised internet acess when blogverse happened (still a kid just less, woo!) and blogverse, especially your blog was probably the only part of the internet that i genuinely believed changed me for the better.

the sense of belonging, escapism, and the opportunity to create a character and show them to others like me was incredibly beneficial for me as a person and an artist in the long run, and to this day making OCs, writing, and especially drawing are passions that i consider deeply important to me- passions that blogverse and its community didnt exactly start, but they played a big role in fostering it. i know you just accidentally one day made an entire community that lasted two months but i cannot stress to you enough that it changed my life and i cant thank you & queenie (unsure if they still go by that, sorry) enough for it.

I also majorly admired you (and many others in a lot of the communities you associated with, but especially you) greatly as a person, artist & writer!!! you were my art goal and while that's changed as ive grown, striving towards this goal nurtured a hobby that i now know was/is a special interest to me.

while probably seeming like minor interactions with some kid who didnt know how to write a consistent character to you, to me your patience, kindness & continual creation of art genuinely helped me retreat from my abusive home life, gain a sense of belonging as a bullied autistic child, get better at art n writing, & grow as a person. i still lurk in communities like blogverse, but bv was my first and forever will be cherished in my memory.

so yeah. the things you do affect people whether you think so or not, and while i dont majorly interact with your content anymore, i hope youre well n you keep being great. :)

I want you to know that I’m at a friend’s house right now and she’s cooking herself dinner. I’m reading this paragraph and I literally start tearing up in front of her and she asks me what’s wrong 😭😭😭

Legitimately I feel like I have somehow won at life, like I won a lottery, because I don’t possibly know what I did to deserve messages like this and it makes me feel so amazing to know that I have positively effected the life of another person. That’s all I can hope for in life, and I can feel how much heart went into this letter so I’m trying to respond in turn

Even though at the time of all of this I had just around turned 18 years old, I was still very much a kid who was also trying to escape from a less-than-ideal home life. I never expected an audience when writing tcoti, it was purely my own self-indulgent passion project with my own hyper-specific headcanons. The fact that other people resonated with it so much and it created so many other inspirations as completely unexpected and absolutely baffling to me. I could have never seen it coming in a million years. It changed MY life for the better to know a my own silly utmv ideas literally inspired like. Countless others

I’m also going to share this post with Queenie, because they NEED to see this. Blogverse was her passionate project and I think to know you were as touched by it as she was and loved the writing is amazing. Also I’m showing Slime. @cosmic-chronologer look at this post with your eyes. I didn’t contribute with the writing as much as I should have because of how busy I was, and the real masterminds behind the project go to Slime Queenie and Achro. I hope they see this message!!!!

Thank you for telling me about the positive impact me and the others have had on you, it genuinely makes me so happy to hear. I’m SO happy you’re still continuing to create!! Most of my utmv friends back from then have left the fandom obv but I’m still in contact with most of them :) it means so much to me that you told me, because otherwise I would have never known how you feel!!!!!

I wish you have been well all these years. I loved all the ship kids you made :))))))

[hyunpic]

HAIIIIII HAIIIII HAIIIII II III II i hit a big milestone on skz comeback day so i decided to do a lil thank u post or whatever idk. ive never done one of these in my tumblr career . As u can see ….. and the quality of the banner is trash just like where hyunjin almost fell. Can u just think of it as 5 minutes of crafts and like this is sooo five years old child making a Mother’s Day card to her mom. It’s full of love anyway 😻 i was writing this post while taking hits of my vanilla vape and it ran out of nicotine juice so im struggling and can’t focuse anymore 👍 pls forgive me this is gonna be very messy 😄

anyway these are no in particular order and sorry if i forgot someone 😔😔😔😔 this is what makes me so nervy that i have never made a post like this before like 😔 i don’t want to forget anyoneeeeeee also tumblr wouldn’t let me add more so blame them and not me DUMBLR 😡🍅🍅🍅🍅 thank u so much for sticking around and u are all so very dear to me in all of your unique ways:

@woozis @woodziecup @christakisbang @y-eontan @hyuncheols @ughbehavior @londonsboy @minchanz @minhosblr @morgoth @leenope @theboytatu @shnryjn @yang-innie @snug-gyu @jinniebit @ttathinker @digitalgirls @agibbangs @haenglixie @bangzchan @megaversed @yangjeongin @hyunchanz @seungminhos @chanstopher @chanrizard @djxiao @possession1981 @yunwooz @hyunjinz @exocean @onedoors @seungmoes @geniaparadox @kimtaegis @hyunjinz @cowboybin @farascha @wooobinz @taedongz

@strayklds: em i love to see u in my notifications and in my dms and perceiving u content and and and and etc. seeing u here always feels like the biggest warmest and welcoming hug. you are simply just like jisung - the best friend shaped guy and ilu so much for that 💖

@hanarchy: WAAAAAAA my chris.. this is so different cause we have actually met. thank y for always taking care of me… u are so so dear to me. like i will never forget the feeling of breaking down in tears when we got to lolla area and i realized i will see skz and u made sure i was okay. it will be my core memory till im in my death bed. i love u and your company and that we can bitch to each other about stuff and u just get me and i get u… i hope we can keep holding hands and making many more memories together 💘

@wantbytaemin: MY FUCKING MAIN SLAYEEEEEER it’s no joke that u stan taemin and u are a queen yourself as well… like greatness recognizes greatness. a piece of my heart is still in that weird little airbnb i shared with you in paris and whenever im sad i wish i could be there with you. my forever destined roommate or whatever idek. but i love u with all of my heart. The way we clicked right away when we met is crazy to me like i felt like i had known u forever. U are just soooOoooo amazing words can’t even describe 💘 ilyilymwahhhh

@izayaki MYYYYYY CARLYBEANNNNNNN MY CARLYBEANNNNNNNN MY CARLYBEANNN I FUCKING LOVE U U ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!!! you could only treat me as your local sandman if u wished but i wouldn’t care like i love u so much!!!! i know i can always count u to be so crazy with me when it comes to hyunjin. also i feel like it’s worth mentioning that u make me feel so comfortable around u. i feel like i can finally be like myself whenever i talk with you :(( like u accept me just how i am and it means so much to me… idk i just feel like i will love u unconditionally and 4ever or whatever katy perry said in that one hit song of hers.

@sunmisbf we will one day smoke together. like idec how many years it will take. we will sit at that porch when we are 80 years old grandmas and we will share a joint and talk about our good old kpop days. u are a delight here and i would feel so empty if i didn’t follow u.

@dowoonyoon: my favoritest penpal.. the way u are engraved in my heart forever. u are just as lovely as taylor swift love songs, i hope u know that. im so happy to scream about anything and whatever with u. WE WILL GET MORE OF THOSE TAYLOR AND SKZ CRUMBS NEXT YEAR 🕯️🕯️🕯️

@yonglixx my sun sunny sunshine!!!! you might be one of the most supportive people on tumblr and i think we as a community need more people like u around. your light and positivity doesn’t go unnoticed. im glad to call u my friend 🌞

@ortali my cutie ortal… my favorite hyunie stan ever. me and u are the same and i miss u so dearly everyday whenever u aren’t here. tumblr isn’t the same without your presence. you bring me so much comfort and serenity and im so thankful that the world brought you to me 😣💘

@seungs: ik u hate sappy things but i will still shamelessly admit you are one of my favorite people ever here. im always here for your thoughts like i neEEED to hear them u know. you are so wise and collected and talented (ggoat = greatest gif maker of all time) that i aspire to be like u in so many ways like i just adore u so much hehe. i hope to be like u or whatever woodz said. i hope we get to meet once skz all around the world drags their booties to here mwah 💋

@seo-changbinnies: my trusted pc trader like trust all of my bin pcs will come to your way every comeback. it’s a tradition atp to stress over the international mail but i wouldn’t change a thing. u are a joy to be around and a blessing to this hellsite. so much happiness and joy radiating your tags that i couldn’t imagine tumblr without your presence. love u sososoo much 💖

@hyunsung: hello HELLOOOOO reach out to me im one of your biggest fans. i see a gifset of yours and i will be getting that thing to at least 1k notes like that’s the minimum they all deserve. you make art here and i think everyone should acknowledge it and appreciate it!!!!!!!! your name is mona just like one of the most famous art pieces of this whole world. i think it tells so much ‼️‼️

@chrisbangs my liiii my little moon… u are one of my first stayblr friends and i love u to the moon and back. whenever we catch up it’s like catching up with an old childhood bestie. nothing changed and the connection and love is always there. u mean so much to me than words could ever describe. i will forever be here rooting for you thousands miles away but our hearts will stay always connected 💘

@young-jae my forever only love sohvi. u have been here for me since the day one like im not even kidding… u know me through and through and i consider u my family at this point. i know if i fall to a dark place, i got your shoulder to lean on and that means the world to me. and same with you. you own my heart forever and always. i need to hug u so badly, i know i have the bestest hug in the world stored for u that i have been holding bag just to save it for u 💘 esc2024 here we come

@ye-xiu i feel like me and u are a married couple at this point like we have been through so much together and separately too like WOWIUUEEEEEE u are like a solid rock to me. a constant force that i can count on and i value it so much. i feel like i have told u this before but i love when u write.. u have a way with your words that always seem to touch places in my heart that i didn’t even know were there. hmm.. whatever does it ever drive u crazy how fast the night changes but it will never change me and u (that’s literally 1d lyrics but it just fits us)

@huiracha omg i adore u so much like 😭😭😭😭😭 IM SIMPLY A PEASANT WHILE PERCEIVING UR CONTENT. the way i have like actually kicked my feet few times in my bed when u rebloged something from me.. idk u are like my tumblr crush marie.. i just had to let u know here publicly!!!!!

@mybodyfails my sweetest oli with sososooooo much love to give…. u are sooooooo special. always rooting for me and hyping me up like half of my self confidence comes from your kindness. i hope you that passionate love you give out to the world will find you eventually. im glad to act as a cupid in your life too like that’s one of my greatest accomplishments and i will be mentioning it in my next job interview 😼

@hyumjim my funny guy Emily… u are like one of the funniest and craziest (in a good day at) people i have ever met. your energy irl also is just so joyful like i for real feel like i would never be depressed if i could spend at least few days a week with you (maybe that’s why u are a therapist… woah 🫨)

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

🪟

my revelaysheawn of the night . . .

ive been trying so hard to understand the fear i have around releaseing my EP

because usually im not so afraid to express myself. And i thought maybe i was just afraid to feel vulnerable but i knew thats not as deep as i could go that doesnt satisfy me as an explanation

upon introspection i realize i am like. Really scarred by a repetition that took place over the past 5 years

Where every time i did something that succeeded, and made me feel like i was shining, people i loved would start lashing out at me more and more. To the point that i have had to dismiss them from my life

Like, people i REALLY cared about, and it was always fucking shocking to be confronted with the reality of the secret venom they kept in their back pocket for when they couldn't cope with their insecurity

i dont think its even a Me thing i think its something thats very formulaic in a certain type of insecure disposition & gets excreted on whoever it happens to perceive as "threatening" at any given moment

Because i experienced it from multiple people and it was the same every time. Still never got less jarring because you never think it's gonna be your own friends, you think, surely they want to see me succeed the same way i do for them, surely surely?

Surely this time will be different..

And i'm seeing how this has like, subconsciously lead me to wanting to keep myself very small and unnoticed, lest i fly too close to the sun and have anyone else i love turn against me on a dime in a heartbeat in a flash.

Not even trying to be on some "Haters & Losers" shit because i dont think theyre haters or losers (towards me) they just hate themselves and unconsciously can not handle being friends w someone who wants to improve themself so they have to turn everything into a competition and its just like. Entirely one sided while im over here still trying to support them & be a good friend until i eventually reach my limit of unnecessarily scathing interactions i can handle and cut the cord.

i just dont want to care anymore. i dont want to care that some people will never want anyone else to shine. i think all those people are out of my life now anyways. theres like 3 or 4 people who i actually talk to anymore so what am i still afraid of? its all just leftover stickiness from the past. 2024 i really had to work through some SHIT that occured from 2019 onwards. its all just residue now.

At least after this introspection tonight i feel i finally have something tangible to work on releasing so i can finally move on. Because i was feeling really stuck not knowing what exactly im trying to run away from here, trying to see the source of the avoidance.

because i knew all along i dont really feel afraid that the music itself will be rejected. at this point im pretty desensitized to sharing my creations online in terms of like, the reaction it gets and numbers and whatever. i have many methods of disengaging from that. its the interpersonal pain, from people i put a lot of heart into, that lingers . . .

i dont want to hate myself and i dont want anyone else to hate themselves so when people inadvertently use me as a vehicle for those feelings its really so soul-crushing to me i wish no one would do that to anyone ever again.

dont love me if u only wanna love me when im downbad !!

i wish for love and trust and harmony and mutual uplifting bonds forever.

Thats my 2am thots. I wonder what i will do about it tomorrow. Good night Xx

[midorishinji]

Disappearing act - chapter XVII

Geto observed her more carefully, trying to decide whether she was being serious or not. — Killing non-sorcerers? — It's an option, but I don't take it seriously. Do you? — Yuki pressed him with a loaded question. Suguru Geto thought of them all — Shoko, Nanami, Haibara, Riko, Kuroi, his parents, Satoru — and his chest filled with an unbearable pain, but also an incredibly monumental love, so much that it felt like it would stretch and burst at the seams of his heart that could not contain it. He thought of his father again, reading him "Night on the Galactic Railroad" when he was young, and he thought of Satoru reading his own copy now during his leisure nights. He thought of Giovanni and Campanella, and of the Scorpio of the night sky, and of the nobility of sacrifice, of setting yourself on fire to warm the world.

Satosugu ｜Finalized｜Long fic｜Also being published in Portuguese and on AO3

Chapters: I - II - III - IV - V - VI - VII - VIII - IX - X - XI - XII - XIII - XIV - XV - XVI - XVII

Chapter XVII: you are more to me than any of them has any idea

Some situations are truly inexplicable. If a year ago someone had told Suguru Geto that he was in love with his best friend, he would have laughed at that hypothesis — Satoru was selfish, annoying, frivolous, had terrible manners, and yet he was the person he trusted and respected the most for being paradoxically altruistic, courageous, challenging, fair, funny, entertaining and so many other qualities that only he seemed to see, but that was completely different from falling in love, that's what Geto would have said. Despite this, there he was, sitting on the bed of Satoru Gojo, heir to the Gojo clan, as they watched “Love Letter” on the night of his birthday, and Satoru fought with all his strength not to cry, a losing battle.

He had never imagined Satoru as being the type of person who cried watching sad movies, but in a way, that didn't surprise him; people who smile the most are usually the ones who hide their suffering even deeper, that's what his mother had once told him, and he knew that this applied especially well to Satoru. Always keeping everything to himself, disguising pain with cynicism and sarcasm, carrying the burden of being the strongest alone. But around him, Satoru allowed himself to be vulnerable, to just be himself.

In the film, Hiroko shouted to the mountains, hearing the echo of her own voice: — How are you? I'm doing fine... — at the same time Itsuki Fujii whispered weakly in a hospital bed the same words. The two repeated the same thing, again and again, Fujii increasingly fragile, Hiroko increasingly desperate, tears streaming down her face and emotion choking her voice. They were both mirrors of each other, tied to the person who united them forever, who was now buried in the mountain to which Hiroko screamed at dawn. No grand declaration of love, no grand gestures, nothing pompous, because “I love you” is often “how are you?”, “did you eat?”, “you need to sleep”, “I thought of you”, “ I miss you”, “let's do something together” and so many other variations, like a secret shared between two people, a specific language that only two understood.

Satoru wiped away some insistent tears, looking away from the screen as he pretended to clean his glasses. It wasn't one of his most convincing performances, and he was aware of that. His chest hurt so much it felt like it was going to explode, because a person can only keep a secret for so long before they’re consumed completely, and he was reaching his limit. Being so close to Suguru that his bodies were touching, and at the same time so far away, was something that hurt him, shattered his nerves, tore his heart apart, messed with his head. So close, and at the same time so far apart. And Suguru, the always patient, calm, gentle, fair, docile Suguru, certainly pretended not to notice so as not to hurt him even more, because at that point, there wasn't a single person on this entire damn planet who hadn't noticed that Satoru Gojo was red with embarrassment whenever they hugged, trembling with terror and excitement at his touch, and lost himself in ramblings whenever he felt nervousness untie his tongue in completely random monologues.

He knew he needed to say something. That swallowing those same words over and over again was killing him inside, suffocating him with this love that bloomed inside his chest until there was no room for anything else. And even then, he couldn't say anything. When he parted his lips, they dried up, anxious, and his tongue became limp, coward, unable to articulate anything, then he fell silent again.

Suguru rested his head on his shoulder, the gesture that was repeated so many times with the roles reversed, which made Gojo's heart skip a beat. Out of kindness, he didn't say anything about Satoru's soft heart, who was moved like a child by a romance movie. — You were right, Satoru. This film is really sad.

— Do you think it's true, Suguru? That we fall in love with a person for the first time, and look for them everywhere else afterwards?

Gojo wanted the answer to be “no”. That he would say “this is too dramatic”. That he’d say “once you get over it, it stops hurting”. He wished he was wrong, like he never had wished for before, even though he knew the true answer in his heart.

— I think so too. I've been thinking about that since you told me that day, and I think it's true. Before you said it, I had never noticed how I always compare others to the person I like. Sometimes someone does something, and I think “he would do the same”, or “he is also kind like that”, or “he would do it differently, in another way”, and after I realized it, I can no longer deny it, there's no way to escape. — Geto said, his eyes focused on the television screen. The white snow of the mountains filled everything except for the red spot on Hiroko's sweater, red as blood.

He.

— Oh. — Satoru murmured, surprised. His face had the most intense expression of panic he had ever had in his entire life, calculating all the implications of a pronoun.

— I hope you don't mind, but I bought you another gift for your birthday. You devoured my Natsume Souseki collection, so I bought you a copy of “Heart”. — I offer my heart to you, was what he wanted to say, without having the courage to do so. That was what was written between the lines of a language made for two.

— Natsume Souseki... He was the guy who invented that story about the moon being beautiful, right?

Geto nodded. — Some people say so, but I think it's just a legend.

Silence. Satoru seemed lost in his thoughts, like a mathematician calculating probabilities. Long minutes passed while they watched the film in that same position, so comfortable, so natural, as if they had been made for that moment.

— Hey, Suguru.

— Huh?

— “The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”

With incomparable stealth, Geto looked out the window, nonchalantly. — I don't know, it's still four in the afternoon, I don't think you can see the moon that early.

In that moment, Gojo felt like screaming, feeling that his face probably went through all the shades of red in the universe, and a few more that only shrimp could see, and he tried to hide it by covering his face with his hands. — Suguru…!

The other laughed. — “Yes, I can die happy now.”

Silence.

— Suguru, I…

— I know. I love you too. — Geto replied, kissing him. For a moment, nothing else seemed to matter: not the Time Vessel Association, not Kaori Itadori, not the social worker and the children, not the elders, not what other people would think. Everything faded into insignificance, completely disappearing into the background.

[kuro-min]

aauuuauuwahaaauha ..... no ish i was not intimidating i was a blob that begged for attentions because i wanted friends 😭😭 but when i got that attention i would get shy 😭😭😭😭😭😭

i'd like to thank everyone first whos stuck around my weird lil ass all this time, and also thank those who weren't included in the list but still reminder that i love yall 😭😭 i just cant type 28 paragraphs LMAO

okay this'll be a LONG ass post i have many things to yap ab who i hold very close 😽😽

@bueris - my WIFE i love you so much .. we always have such random convos and you've always been someone i could feel comfortable around like i didnt have to hide anything or worry that you'd try to pressure me into opening up. rather, i found myself really comfy that i never shut up when im around you. a lovely personality, one like no other ive ever met!! you'll always hold a piece of my heart with you because i trust that you'd never do anything to hurt me :> i hope we stay friends forever and ever because in the short time we've known eachother, you've become someone i dont think i can imagine not having the in the future.

@merlucide literally one of the realest girls ive ever gotten the privilege to know. i still think about how nervous and excited i would be to come home from school and check if you answered my dms.. i would be rushing eating lunch and doing chores just so i could get a chance to talk with you more. not only have you been such a great friend through matching my energy always and finding ways to make me feel better about myself but you've stayed with me through all the ugly parts of me as well :,) 💓 i hope we stay together for many many many many many many more happy years together. luv you <3

@luvingshidou MY WAIFFFFFFF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! has the funniest energy ever in the world, and is always willing to do anything. i love when we play games together whether it be you protecting me in minecraft from the mobs or our little acnh dates <3 such a pretty girl as well with a really loving heart 💗💗 you never shy away from affection and left me comfortable with sharing my own affections with you which is such a breath of fresh air. im glad we met and im glad we got so close, and continue to stay close !! ill always be here to listen to your boy problems without fail 😽😽😽

@sharkissm maririririiririrriiririririririiririri !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! has always had a fun upbeat energy about you that no one else can match 😭😭😭 even me sometimes 💀 i love our karaoke nights together and i love listening to you yap .. makes me sleepy haha 💞💞may your freak never fade..!! if anything just get worse. just get freakier. 😈😈😈i hope you know that you aren't a burden and you aren't annoying .. you tend to forget that often huh? sending more hugs your way 💓💓

@jujutsustraycats eeeeeeshhh my latino king 😽it's funny that you found me intimidating because i saw you the same way hgrdsj 😣 you had this cool and relaxed aura about you, and while you still do have that cool composed aura the more i got to know you the more i learned how much of a cutie pie you are 😭💗 its always so nice to talk to you, and whenever i see you online i get excited thinking theres the chance we might get to have a convo 🩷 i do wish we could talk more but im perfectly content with small interactions and the karaoke nights with mariri and you ! i hope i always get to listen to your singing and i hope we stay close.. familia right? 💓💓

@melodiclune where.. do i start .. hi lune 😽😽😽!!! you started off as a cool friend i was happy to talk to but overtime became something much more special to me. i tend to express my emotions pretty freely but i dont mind repeating myself over and over again 😾 lune you are such a beautiful and interesting person, you genuinely captivate those around you including me! i want to thank you for so many things you've done for me, with being my friend or introducing me to persona which has come to be something i really really enjoy!! ill say it again and again I LOVE YOUUUUU 💗💗💗💗 EVERY PART OF YOU IS MY FAV 💗💗and although i might have competition i still take pride in being #1 lune fan 🤧🤧my one and only goat rin itoshi.. or the lovely detective prince akechi goro ... or maybe luka from alien s- *gunshots*

@8-xnny BUNNY MY MOOTIE PATOOTIE MY OOMFIE I ADORE YOU 😭😭😭 SUCH A PRETTY PERSON WITH SUCH GORGEUOUS MAKEUP LOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!! i always feel a rush of happiness whenever i see you in my notifs sending me an ask or tagging me in a silly reblogging game and i hope we can get even closer 💗💗💗may your cutesy energy never leave or i might leave this planet with it.

heh.. saving the best for last...

@ko-trt / @kotrt-x3 MY PEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKIEEEE 😣😣🤤🤤 we're locked in forever and ever and honestly i could probably yap so much more in person but ill do it over text for now. we've been friends for how long now?? i dont even know but i can literally remember when we first met and how terrified i was. i remember i didnt even speak the entire first week and you still didn't give up on trying to be my friend and if you hadn't done that idk where i wouldve been now.. you've literally become a part of me at this point. no one knows me and doesn't know my pookie. package deal at this point.. its so weird that you found a way to literally intrude into the deepest places in my heart and make yourself at home there you little shitty rat .. not like ill kick you out though 😚😚 if anything try to run and see how far you can get before i reel you back in with a lasso because im possessive like that. NEVERRR forget who your alpha is 😈😈😈 and ill never let any other alphas come near MYYY omega.. 😈 especially not those ugly blonde men you are so fond of. Very witty, thoughtful, to a fault at times lmao. you always know how to lighten my mood, and snap me out of my depressive moments through not getting frustrated at my stubborn behaviours but instead sticking with me through all that. you will always know me in ways no other people will probably know me in? through our shared interests, you always listen to me yap hahahahaha you never shun me for my freak.. deals with my irritable ass, doesnt not get upset when i shut down and are so patient with me ilysm for that ..affectionate yet funny about affection and physical touch too. you make funny little reactions my cutesy patootsie who compliments me and makes me feel beautiful as a person .. a real one through and through, stays with me throughout my faults.. stays up with me even though he's a sleepy snorpy hunk mimimimimi... beautiful person, reminds me of a sunflower, a very smiley person, always laughing and smiling. very smart, passionate in what they do as well and is a person who applies themself to what they love.. a modest person, downplays his achievements a lot but I think it’s sweet and I'd love to remind them of how much they’ve done and how much more they’re going to accomplish!!!!!!! may we stay tgt even past college .. is it 4 years going strong now? thats better than most couples

[kath-artic]

moar

since im on the topic i wanna play around in this space a little more

growing up i was a very private person. sure, my best friends knew about problems at home and my struggles with mental health, but i never talked to them about the things i cared about or the people i liked. love was such a valuable thing that to talk about it frivolously seemed sinful and just downright disrespectful to the concept. it had to be protected. this is unfortunately why i stayed in my first relationship for so long. i foolishly thought that i was somehow about infatuation and frivolous love. i thought id know it when i found it and that id never let it go, so i couldnt just admit id made a mistake. regardless, friendships to me were always about being too in the moment to care about anything else. friendship was about silent understanding and play. most of my high school friends were like this. we never talked about our lives outside of school save for one or two times, but we all knew we were all going through something so we'd all keep each other busy all night. we wouldnt leave the school until the janitors kicked us out and then we'd wander the town. every now and then someone would break down and cry and we'd sit there and hold each other, but talking about it hardly seemed necessary at that time. it wasnt until the dam broke for me at the end of my senior year that i started really opening up about stuff. that was my brief Therapy phase. i became obsessed with talking about the trauma id gone through and didnt know how to be someone outside of it for a while, but that was a horrible person to be for me. i feel bad for her and it was important that i was her for a time, but im glad im not anymore. she taught me how to be open, but every time i opened up i exploded and it never felt all that fulfilling. in fact, i found that me "trauma dumping" was just me trying to answer everyones questions before they started prying so theyd think i had nothing to hide. i was afraid of people knowing me at that time. what's more, the concept of meeting new people was exhausting at that time because to know me at that time was to know what id been through and it was hard having to go through it again and again.

leaving fixed me. ive said it before but it remains true. ive realized i love a blank slate and ive realized that knowing me is an innate quality some people do or dont possess in varying degrees. ive realized my story is mine and that i generally like being private because i really only like sharing when i think i'll be understood or when i think it's necessary to expose people to new possibilities. i like knowing lots of people, i like knowing them deeply and intimately, but not necessarily constantly. i dont want people to run dry by dumping all their is to know at my feet at once, which is why i think space is so necessary for me. old friends reaching out is such a joy because theyre a new person at this point! new friends are such a joy because they tend to feel as though theyre old friends! i just like for my circle to be full of as many people who are distinctly themselves as possible and i like to learn something. i know sometimes i have to be the teacher, but i vastly prefer equal exchanges. there are few people i never grow tired of, but they tend to also be the ones who think similarly and likewise go off on their own from time to time. we maintain a healthy distance even though we could just as easily talk forever and ever and never grow bored. i think thats the kind of relationship i can have only one of at a time and its something i reserve for romatic partners. a romantic partner is someone who is eternally interesting. someone i can be close to and still find more new things about. i still like to have space, but the closeness wouldnt make me squirm. we could talk forvever and ever and maybe we just will. idk. but there it is

[sliceocheese]

howdy everyone! i wanna begin with some good old reminiscing and story telling if ya dont mind

i joined tumblr in early 2023 and made my first ever post on this account on april the 20th (it was a wilbur soot post lmfaoooo)

some of my happiest 2023 memories happened because of this hellsite lol

so many fun things happened! i made friends, got adopted, cried because of roleplay, promised to draw things for people and never did, almost got burned alive because someone *coughcough* iceeericeee *cough* decided to blowtorch the cage i was locked in, cried some more because people accepted my for the ever changing person i was, got into new fandoms, got into new art forms, got out of an abusive relationship, got into therapy lmao, got a dog, confessed to a crush, god it was fun times

yall made me a better person.

this was me when i was 12:

yikes 😬 (GET HER SOME EYEBROWS)

i was 12, depressed, hated myself and everyone around me, in an abusive relationship which lead me to want to kill myself (FUCK YOU AIDEN 🖕), ya bitch legit couldnt smile. this was my best attempt ^^^ im pretty sure one time i didnt brush my teeth/hair or shower for like a month 💀💀💀

but then something amazing happened.

i joined the natm fandom (lord knows the gays have an effect on me TwT) and simultaneously joined tumblr cus oml i LOVED THE ART BY VINTAGEDUCKY AND I LOVED HISTORICALKITTENS NATM FICS AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON CREATIVECHAOS

i was so happy with my little blorbos getting put in situations <3 and then one day i saw a reblog chain with a few people arguing about what a certain potatoey snack was called. and that was what started it all.

almost every night for the spring and summer on 2023 ya girl was eating upppppp moot fam roleplay. i would stay up pull alnighters staring at my 2014 ipad mini waiting for someone in my family to reblog my post, or hide in the bathroom at school staring at my apple watch waiting for angelo to start the post for our next little adventure.

yall are legit the reason i started loving life again 🥰

ok now fast forward to the start of my freshman year! look at this stunning mf

ya bitch was still struggling but i was doing so much better!!! i had cut off my abusive friend, had gotten a whole new friend group whom i adore, GOT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND??? (idk how i managed that one -u-‘) i was going out of my house like 500% more in a week than i had for the past 9 years TwT

so now time for the bad news ig…

i will be logging off tumblr.

ive been having some therapy worthy issues lately and think its best id i hop off for a while

not like an: IM LEAVING FOREVER AND I NEVER WANNA TALK TO YALL AGAIN BYE BYE BITCHES 👋 but more like im gonna delete the app and only log in every now and then to say hi to my friends

so im afraid im gonna have to scrap natm second chances and most of my rp 😔

i really hope to one day i can come back better than ever and be the mutual yall all deserve <3

and just in case i dont rejoin for a while i wanna share with yall some scheduled posts for my 18th birthday and how things ended up instead :)

god i wish i knew i was gonna be ok <3

aoughhhhh now time for the part thats probably gonna make me cry lmaoooooo

thank you sparrow and mottts for being amazing online parents

thank you rice and chaos and leon and pal and soda and fdrsducky for being an amazing family

thank you stickers for dealing with my constant face time calls and shenanigans <3

thank you magnificentobsession for being a second mom to me <3

thank you angelo for supporting my goofiness and being a combo best friend, dad, and brother

pukicho you’re probably never gonna see this but thank you for that one time you dm’d me to assure me you did not tell you followers to call me a faggot lmfaooo

thank you vintageducky, historicalkitten, and creativechaosapparently for making such wonderful natm content that i would scroll through on nights when i was sad

thank you thank you thank you.

whelp i guess this is the end

and loves, if i dont see ya tomorrow, good afternoon good evening and goodnight <3

over and out

i have no idea how to start this post ngl

[candyunicornsateme]

Kenny wants to show Kyle the stars again and says “I want to show you something” and takes him into the woods at night and after about 10 steps in Kyle’s like “This would be really creepy if I didn’t know you”

[jackiietaylor]

unpopular stranger things opinions/hot takes 👀

omg thanks for sending this and giving me a reason to share my opinions 👀 this got really long because i have a lot to say apparently

first of all, i genuinely love and enjoy this show and that seems to be an unpopular opinion recently? like i was shocked when i logged on after watching volume 2 and everyone on my dash hated it because i loved it. and i love all the other seasons, too. yeah obviously there’s some parts i don’t like and things i would change but overall i still think it’s really good. but yeah mandatory “i do actually really like the show” before i start complaining about some things

s1 > s4 > s3 > s2

i don’t understand the obsession with character death. not as in i don’t understand why people don’t want characters to die but i don’t understand the constant need to talk about how characters are “definitely” going to die. no main character has been killed off throughout the whole show and yet pre-s4 no one would shut up about characters dying. also after the reaction to eddies death i think the duffers are gonna be too scared to kill anyone off lol

on the other hand, killing el off/not giving her a happy ending would be the single greatest mistake the show could make

el’s side plot in s2 is one of the highlights of the show for me. the lost sister will probably forever be my favorite episode of the show. ive never understood the hate it gets. im really hoping that kali comes back in s5 and helps fight vecna

el is the only Main character. there are obviously many other characters that are leads but she is ultimately the main character. the entire show revolves around her and her plot(s).

nancy has some of the best development in the entire show. ive seen so many people say she has no development outside of the love triangle and i find that so surprising because she’s changed soo much. her entire journey to wanting to be a reporter directly stems from her not being listened to and her desire to do something about barbs death. everything about her current character stems from that specific moment and we’ve seen throughout the seasons how that’s progressed and shaped her into and i think because of that development, she’s pretty much the only character with a defined ending (career as a journalist)

mike has done like one thing wrong in the entire show and im so unbelievably tired of people acting like he’s the villain. he’s a 14 year old who doesn’t know how to perfectly express himself sometimes. people need to leave him alone

steve & robin and el & max have the two best friendships on the entire show and anyone who says otherwise is wrong

hopper should’ve stayed dead. his death was perfectly written in s3 and reviving him brought nothing to the plot. it wasn’t even explained how he survived, he was just there. it wasn’t well thought out or well written, and overall it just wasnt necessary. they ruined what was ultimately a beautiful send off (the speech to end s3) for a cheap plot twist that had no payoff.

(also i don’t like hopper because he gave brenner el’s location in s1, fully intending that he would kidnap her again. it’s unforgivable regardless of what his reasoning was and i hate that it was never brought up ever again)

going off of that, the entire russia plot is the worst written part of the whole show. it could be scrapped entirely from s4 and the season would lose nothing

stranger things is blatantly obvious about what ships are gonna end up together at the end of the show

jancy is just a truly terrible ship all around. jonathan hiding in a bush to take pictures of nancy through a window while she was taking her clothes off is soo unbelievably creepy and unforgivable, and it’s terrible that it was just dropped with no consequences whatsoever for him. he doesn’t even actually apologize! he says he shouldnt have taken the picture, but when she asks him why he took it in the next episode he says it was just a nice picture and then starts lecturing her about how she’s gonna end up miserable like her mom?? they should’ve never got together after all that. and then there’s all the bullshit in s3 when he undermined the misogyny she was facing at work and didn’t believe her at all which just further proves that they shouldn’t be together! and then she forgot he existed for most of s4 anyway

i want nancy to end the show single so bad

robin/vickie sucks lol. stranger things is probably the only show that has me rooting against the lesbian character ending up in a relationship. vickie is sooo boring and has absolutely no personality! even suzie’s random family members got personalities in s4! im tired of being told to accept the bare minimum just because a show is adding a random throwaway gay character. vickie serves no purpose in the plot and id rather not waste the extremely limited time left in the show developing robins relationship with a complete nobody when her friendships with pre-existing characters should be the focus. also every single one of their scenes featured steve in some capacity which was very annoying

steve and nancy actually have such an interesting dynamic as characters but specifically as exes. personally, i do not think they should get back together, but i think what makes them interesting is why they shouldn’t be together. obviously their first breakup is because of their different reactions to barbs death. their relationship was never going to make it past that. barb died because nancy brought her to steves house, she died AT steves house, and died while nancy was alone with steve. there was never any coming from back that, not while nancy hadn’t processed her grief and especially not when steve was trying to convince her to forget about it and go to a party. but they’ve both grown as people since then, and they’re still not going to work. steve wants a big family, nancy is career-oriented to the point that she will do anything to succeed as a journalist. nancy doesn’t want the suburban, nuclear family life. they are fundamentally mismatched when it comes to what they want in life and i think exploring THAT aspect of their dynamic is so much more interesting than just shoving them back together

overall the show is so much more enjoyable when you don’t care about ships <3 please disregard everything i just said about the ships <3 but seriously the main focus of the show is not even remotely centered on the romantic relationships and watching the show without really caring about that aspect of things is way better

this isn’t a hot take about the show but more the fandom: a lot of the dynamics do not exist at all in the show the way some people think they do. most obvious example is el and will, who both are wayyyy closer to at least 3 other characters than they are to each other. this isn’t just limited to stranger things, it happens in most shows, especially ones with a found family element (ex. agents of shield) but people tend to forget what the dynamics actually are and then project their opinions onto the characters

semi-related and not really a hot take but if i had to choose underrated/non-existent dynamics to explore in s5, i would choose: lucas and el (connection to max), nancy and el (both on the show since s1 but have barely spoken, both the only people to know vecna’s full backstory firsthand), and nancy and mike (siblings who both probably think they’re only children at this point because they never interact with each other)

also related to fandom but it’s so clear that so many people either have not watched the show or just don’t anything remember what happens in the show when they post shit. and that’s way there’s sooo much mischaracterization everywhere

this show has way too many characters and it’s resulted in a lot of them having nothing to do for entire seasons. look at the california group from this season. they spent the entirety of episodes 5-8 driving around in a van with nothing to do. even joyce, who was one of the main main characters in earlier seasons, felt like she was just kinda there this season. part of it is the way they divide the plots, especially geographically this season, but the other part is just not having anywhere near enough time or plot spaces for all the characters. it’s unfortunately probably only gonna get worse in s5 because they have to somehow wrap up every characters individual plot in addition to the greater shows plot

and my hottest take is that will is severely overhyped sorry. he’s just not that interesting of a character and i really don’t understand that obsession with him? i mean he’s a fine character and he hasn’t really done anything wrong but there are so many other characters that are actually involved in the plot that i find way more interesting, relevant, and better written. like he was barely in s1, s2 was more about things happening to him than him actually doing anything, and s3 and s4 he didn’t do anything. hopefully s5 will give him something interesting to do but for now i just don’t see it

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hi. can i share something. its pretty personal...its sad but also a message of hope.

so. ive been freaking out rly bad about attending this bladee show tomorrow, august 6th. the real reason for this is not just my ocd and social anxiety but also.. last year on august 6th my really good friend died. they were going by the name saint at the time. i only knew them online but we were extremely close since around 2014. we would talk often, and in-depth, bcus we both had extensive interest in metaphysics, god, angels, etc. and we both had dead parents, specifically dead from illness, so we rly deeply related to each other on those matters. they were like 9 years older than me, so i looked up to them as an older sibling. it absolutely shattered my heart when i found out they died because i know it was an accident. i think they OD’d on fentanyl cus they had been posting about relapsing shortly b4 they died. but i dont know for sure, there’s no obituary for them since they don’t have parents or family. i have cried about it every day for a year.

when i saw what day the bladee show was, i felt a million feelings at once, like, oh my god, is this some kind of orchestrated angel event? saint had the most unwavering faith, they believed in angels more than anyone ive ever met, there was no doubt in their mind. we would talk about our synchronicities constantly. it was our fav thing to discuss. they were so validating of my experiences. so in a way, i rly feel like, their angel is escorting me to this show as some sort of gift for making it thru the past year. ive been going thru my saturn return on top of grieving their death, and idk, its just been one of the worst times in my life, ive never been closer to giving up. the timing of this show rly makes me feel like saint is blessing me. bladee, saint and I are all life path 9s who r obsessed w metaphysics n spirituality, which adds to the meaning of this synchronicity for me.

the reason ive been so terrified to attend the show is because i keep having ocd freakouts that someone is going to die or that, like, this date is evil and tainted or soemthing. like literally to the point that ive spent a few entire days this past week just crying in my bed because im so terrified of losing anyone else in my life. but as the show gets closer, i am realizing i just need to trust god and believe that im allowed to enjoy myself. believe that saint’s angel is protecting me and my loved ones, just like they have every day for the past year. they have sent me so many signs, and ive known a lot of dead people but never have i received so many obvious signs from anyone, even my own father. it makes me wonder if saint graduated the rebirth cycle, since they were a 9, and they brought so much goodness to this world. i think they graduated and are now a very powerful angel forever.

its been so hard to go on without them. they were my grief councellor fr. there were some years of my life where they were one of the only people i talked to because no one else could understand. they loved POSTING, we met on tumblr and they were always so supportive of the way i express myself. after they died was when i started drawing and posting on here again bcus i knew i had to honor them this way. i cant put into words how much their friendship impacted me and i wish i could do more, i wish i cld plaster their face onto every wall and scream from the rooftops “THATS MY FRIEND AND I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!”. god i am going to cry so much at the bladee show, i know they’ll b rite there on my shoulder the whole time.

if u read all this, thank you. it weighs on me massively n i try not to show it too much online but man. i have been a mess. n sometimes i just wanna spill my guts. i cld say so so much more about my dear friend but i’ll leave it at this for now. im praying that the show goes well tomorrow and everyone makes it there safely. if u guys cld pray for me too id rly appreciate. i rly feel like saint is with me and im allowed to have hope now. i love you saint. thankyou for posting so much so i have plenty to look back on. <3

[dontbipanicjonsa]

A confusing clusterfuck of thoughts re: Jonsa

Or: why the fuck are Jon and Sansa so compatible if they're not canon, huh?

He saw the Wall shining like blue crystal, and his bastard brother Jon sleeping alone in a cold bed, his skin growing pale and hard as the memory of all warmth fled from him. - Bran III AGOT

So....Jon is going to lose memory of all warmth? I'm going to separate the changes brought about in post-resurrection!Jon here as changes caused by death and changes caused by Ghost. This post is only speculating about the changes caused by death i.e. loss of memory of all warmth.

More foreshadowing for that-

Chunks of coal burned in iron braziers at either end of the long room, but Jon found himself shivering. The chill was always with him here. In a few years he would forget what it felt like to be warm. - Jon III AGOT

"It was. The fort is in a sorry state, admittedly. You will restore it as best you can..." ... You'll sleep on stone, too exhausted to complain or plot, and soon you'll forget what it was like to be warm, but you might remember what it was to be a man. - Jon II ADWD

So, I did a word search for warm and memory and I found some interesting stuff. Read under the cut.

1. Home

Jon- warmth and memory of home

The memory of her laughter warmed him on the long ride north. - Jon II AGOT (thinking about Arya)

The weariness came on him suddenly... So cold, he thought, remembering the warm halls of Winterfell, where the hot waters ran through the walls like blood through a man's body. There was scant warmth to be found in Castle Black... - Jon III AGOT

...Iron Emmett was still urging on his charges in the yard. The song of steel on steel woke a hunger in Jon. It reminded him of warmer, simpler days, when he had been a boy at Winterfell matching blades with Robb under the watchful eye of Ser Rodrik Cassel. Ser Rodrik too had fallen, slain by Theon Turncloak... All my memories are poisoned. - Jon VI ADWD

The warmth took some of the ache from his muscles and made him think of Winterfell's muddy pools, steaming and bubbling in the godswood. Winterfell, he thought. Theon left it burned and broken, but I could restore it.-Jon XII ASOS

So, these are the memories of warmth he'll lose? This warmth, that he associates with Winterfell (and the Starks), is the first memory of warmth Jon has.

Dany- memory of home

The door loomed before her, the red door, so close, so close, the hall was a blur around her, the cold receding behind... and all that lived and breathed fled in terror from the shadow of her wings. She could smell home, she could see it, there, just beyond that door, green fields and great stone houses and arms to keep her warm, there. She threw open the door.

"… the dragon …" - Daenerys IX AGOT

Home? The word made her feel sad. Ser Jorah had his Bear Island, but what was home to her? A few tales, names recited as solemnly as the words of a prayer, the fading memory of a red door … was Vaes Dothrak to be her home forever? - Daenerys VI AGOT

..."What shall we talk of?"

"Home," said Dany. "Naath. Butterflies and brothers. Tell me of the things that make you happy, the things that make you giggle, all your sweetest memories. Remind me that there is still good in the world."

Missandei did her best. She was still talking when Dany finally fell to sleep, to dream queer, half-formed dreams of smoke and fire. - Daenerys VIII ADWD

Dany's idea of 'home' changes over the course of the books. In the beginning she uses home for Illyrio's house, or the house with the red door. She very clearly doesn't think of Westeros as her home. After Viserys's death however, there's a sudden shift. Now, Westeros is her long lost home that she must return to someday. It's jarring. Interestingly enough, she pretty clearly rejects the idea of Dothraki khalasars as home, and the only time she calls Meereen home is in her last chapter of ADWD where she's trying to convince herself to return there. But we know that she ultimately rejects that too, in the same chapter.

Sansa- memory of home

Snow was falling on the Eyrie.

Outside the flakes drifted down as soft and silent as memory. Was this what woke me? Already the snowfall lay thick... The sight took Sansa back to cold nights long ago, in the long summer of her childhood. - Sansa VII ASOS

Last of all came the Royces, Lord Nestor and Bronze Yohn... Though his hair was grey and his face lined, Lord Yohn still looked as though he could break most younger men like twigs in those huge gnarled hands. His seamed and solemn face brought back all of Sansa's memories of his time at Winterfell. - Alayne I AFFC

She missed Septa Mordane, and even more Jeyne Poole, her truest friend... She tried not to think of them too often, yet sometimes the memories came unbidden, and then it was hard to hold back the tears. Once in a while, Sansa even missed her sister. By now Arya was safe back in Winterfell... - Sansa II ACOK

Arya coz why not

"Let me tell you something about wolves, child. When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. Summer is the time for squabbles. In winter, we must protect one another, keep each other warm, share our strengths.… Sansa is your sister. You may be as different as the sun and the moon, but the same blood flows through both your hearts. You need her, as she needs you …" - Arya II AGOT

Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell's grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan's stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow's smile. He used to mess my hair and call me "little sister," she remembered, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes. - Arya II AFFC

Again, all this (and much more) is stuff that reminds Sansa (and Arya) of home. This is, presumably, shit that Jon is gonna forget. Or maybe he'll retain the memories and only lose the emotions (warmth) associated with it?

2. Suitors or romantic/sexual partners (+Ben Plumm)

Jon

Many a night he lay with Ygritte warm beside him,... - Jon V ASOS

So, Ygritte becomes his second memory of warmth.

When he turned he saw Ygritte.

...cloaked in darkness and in memory. The light of the moon was in her hair, her red hair kissed by fire. When he saw that, Jon's heart leapt into his mouth. "Ygritte," he said.

"Lord Snow." The voice was Melisandre's.

Surprise made him recoil from her. "Lady Melisandre." He took a step backwards. "I mistook you for someone else." At night all robes are grey. - Jon VI ADWD

AT NIGHT ALL ROBES ARE GREY...yea I know, this is a well established connection between the Girl in Grey and Ygritte. Since Jon associates Ygritte with warmth so strongly, I think it's safe to assume that the Girl in Grey might play a role in warming him too (hehe).

… one hears queer talk of dragons."

"Would that we had one here. A dragon might warm things up a bit."

"My lord jests. You will forgive me if I do not laugh. We Braavosi are descended from those who fled Valyria and the wroth of its dragonlords. We do not jape of dragons." - Jon IX ADWD

Yikes.

Dany

"If my queen commands," he (Jorah) said, curt and cold.

Dany was warm enough for both of them. "She does," she said. "She commands...

When he was gone, Dany threw herself down on her pillows beside her dragons. She had not meant to be so sharp with Ser Jorah, but his endless suspicion had finally woken her dragon. - Daenerys IV ASOS

So, here the warmth is because of anger (woken the dragon).

Dany could feel the warmth of his fingers. He was warm in Qarth as well, she recalled, until the day he had no more use for me. She rose to her feet. "Come," she said, and Xaro followed her through the pillars... - Daenerys III ADWD

She remembered Ben's face the last time she had seen it. It was a warm face, a face I trusted... Even the dragons had been fond of old Brown Ben, who liked to boast that he had a drop of dragon blood himself. Three treasons will you know. Once for gold and once for blood and once for love. Was Plumm the third treason, or the second? And what did that make Ser Jorah, her gruff old bear? Would she never have a friend that she could trust?- Daenerys VI ADWD

This is twice that Dany associates warmth with people who use/betray her.

"You're hurt," she gasped.

"This?" Daario touched his temple. "A crossbowman tried to put a quarrel through my eye, but I outrode it. I was hurrying home to my queen, to bask in the warmth of her smile." He shook his sleeve, spattering red droplets. - Daenerys VI ADWD

Dawn always came too soon.

...If only she had the power, she would have made their nights go on forever, but the best that she could do was stay awake to try and savor every last sweet moment before daybreak turned them into no more than fading memories....

Dany wrapped her arms around her captain and pressed herself against his back. She drank in the scent of him, savoring the warmth of his flesh, the feel of his skin against her own. Remember, she told herself. Remember how he felt. - Daenerys VII ADWD

Ok, I forgot how smitten Dany was with Daario. It would be cute if Daario wasn't so horrifying. Girl has some seriously questionable taste.

Interestingly, the phrase 'fading memory' is used four times in the text (as far as I can find) and three of those times are in Daenerys's POV. One is in the above quote, where she's commanding herself to remember her time with Daario before her marriage to Hizdahr, and the other time is while thinking about the red door. Both these are memories that are important to her, that connect her to the hopeful/little/not-dark girl she once was.

Sansa

Gently, he spoke of Braavos, and met a wall of sullen courtesy as icy and unyielding as the Wall he had walked once in the north. - Tyrion VIII ASOS

"I am composing a new song, you should know. A song so sweet and sad it will melt even your frozen heart. 'The Roadside Rose,' I mean to call it. About a baseborn girl so beautiful she bewitched every man who laid eyes upon her." - Sansa VII ASOS

"Alayne." Her aunt's singer stood over her. "Sweet Alayne. I am Marillion. I saw you come in from the rain. The night is chill and wet. Let me warm you." - Sansa VI ASOS

You must be very cold. Let me warm you, Sansa. Take off those gloves, give me your hands." - Sansa VII ASOS

Yea no. Sansa has not had a good experience with people offering to warm her (unfreeze her? melt her?)

Looks like in TWOW there's going to be two people in desperate need of some warming.

It's pretty neat actually. Jon associates memories of warmth with two things primarily: Winterfell/the Starks, and Ygritte. Sansa is both a Stark, and a much (much) improved Ygritte.

Sansa's iciness-wall-armour is a form of protection that she employs against predatory men. The only person who can melt her frozen heart...is someone who is not predatory. Someone who cares for her. Jon.

It fits perfectly. They fit perfectly.

[kenmei]

-ˏˋ FOREVER N THEN SOME! ˊˎ-

♡ gn!reader x kozume kenma

cw: pinch of angst (to fluff !!!), romance, slice of life, crying, established relationship!au, timeskip!au

synopsis: in which he’s actually more traditional than he leads on

wc: 2000+

notes from mei!

ive had this idea rattling around my skull for the longest time

sixteen and a handshake. a standard, normal handshake, but still awkward.

you remember how his hand perfectly fit with yours—how his palms were searing hot as they met with your much colder ones.

you remember him, as a second-year, as the setter for the team you cheered for from the stands. you remember his flushed cheeks when you kissed him on the cheek for a first time, watching as his brain malfunctioned as the rosy hues on his face spread to his neck and the tips of his ears.

you remember him, as the captain, worn out and exhausted at your doorstep.

you recall how he slumped onto you, making you somewhat drag him to your room. half because he really was that tired, and half for his own amusement.

you know him. you know him a bit too well and it’s both a blessing and curse.

because you wonder if he’s finally grown out of it—of this.

looking at the empty spot beside you, you think that, perhaps, he really has—the signs are staring right at you. lately, you’ve been sleeping in a cold bed, waking up to yet again another empty penthouse as you figure he’s at the office again.

(you hope he’s at the office, at least).

texts replies are always hours apart. it seems like he’s been doubling up on streams. friday’s that have always been reserved for two since forever, have only had one person attending these past few weeks.

this is sad, your chest clenches dejectedly at yet another morning where it’s only you. looking around, a part of you wishes that kenma’s actually here, that any second now, he’s going to emerge from his game room, rubbing his eyes tiredly as he scratches his tummy.

because even if you both don’t talk as much as you used to, it’s enough for you simply when he’s present. it’s enough for you when he mutters a good morning, waddling past you to go make his coffee before sitting on the couch.

it’s enough for you when he’s here.

the absolute bare minimum can make you the happiest, but you wonder if even that is too much.

twenty-four and you’re still overthinking.

“just talk to him!” your friends say, but truly it isn’t that easy. even if you’ve both promised to be better at communicating, something about this whole situation makes communication feel so much more difficult.

“you’ve been together for so long, you both still aren’t married?” if you’re being honest, it does bother you sometimes and you wonder if maybe, you should just get on one knee instead.

but you don’t. you don’t because you and kenma already both live(d) like you’re married. you both still share(d) that dynamic of being a laid-back couple who deals with problems as they come.

you don’t think about marriage with him because it already feels right. you don’t mind not getting married and honestly, you’re pretty sure kenma isn’t that kind of guy.

you’re startled by someone poking the side of your head.

your head turns to see kenma, brows slightly furrowed as he analyzes you.

you shake your head, sitting up straight on the couch. “’what’s u—wait, aren’t you supposed to be streaming right now?”

kenma nods his head, plopping into the spot next to you. “ended early. chat was being rude today.”

your head bobs in understanding as you try to find words to piece together. he must be frustrated, you know a little bit about how difficult it can get as a streamer and you also know him, that if he doesn’t want to be near you or hear you, he simply wouldn’t be.

you smile slightly, “t—”

“why are you so tense?” he questions, leaning back. his eyes study you and you feel like hiding.

“’m not.” you defend, shrinking.

“you are.” he replies, “what’s wrong?”

you hum, grabbing a throw pillow and falling onto your side, opposite from him. “class was hard today. your paparazzi found me at the grocery store—”

“that happened last week.”

you groan, because fuck, you really can’t lie to him. he’s too good at getting you to open up, no matter how hard you resist it.

“it’s stupid.” you pout, covering your face with the pillow, already feeling your wound up emotions spiraling back up to the surface.

kenma’s hand lands on your legs, situating them over his lap. he pats the side your calves, humming. “talk to me.”

“what about you?” genuinely, you feel like right now isn’t the best time to talk about this. “you were just telling me about how your chat was being rude!”

“that can wait.” he replies, patient, like he’s always been. “something’s been bothering you, no?”

yes. you think. but i don’t wanna talk to you about it ‘cuz i’m scared.

“are you tired...” fuck, you think, because once again, he’s getting you to talk. “of—of me?”

he’s always been good at this. somehow always getting you to say whatever’s clogging up your mind. he reads you like an open book and you hate it, because even after all these years, it’s still scary.

it’s daunting, because he knows so much about you. if he wanted to, he could pick you apart all too easily, knowing exactly what buttons to push to make you break and that’s scary. it’s terrifying, even.

you feel his hand, as warm as they’ve always been, slide under the bottom of your loose pajama pants, warming up your ice cold skin.

and the feeling is weird, because you feel like you’re on fire, yet his hand is still so much warmer than you.

it’s comforting. you’ve both always been touch-starved and kenma knows this, he knows this as he traces small shapes on your calves, the hem of your pants riding up a bit.

“why would i be tired of you?” he mumbles, eyes moving to see your face is still very much covered with the pillow.

you shrug, leg twitching under his feathery touch. “you’ve been distant and stuff... i dunno.”

and it feels like he’s back at square one with you. kenma feels like an idiot for not realizing sooner, cursing himself for being so caught up with work (and something else) that he’s been neglecting you.

you’ve always been a bit of a crybaby, only him and your close friends know this.

he notes that you tend to cry even when you both have the smallest fights, and it’s something he’s used to.

so to know that you’re holding everything in, it makes his chest tighten.

“i’m sorry, angel.” he says, quiet. “work’s been busy.”

yes, work is busy. even if he finds it enjoyable, it can get taxing sometimes. but he’s also been looking around for something, something that he needs perfect.

“‘s okay.” you mumble and he knows he’s fucking up even more. “i just miss you.”

he tugs on the bottom of your shirt, “c’mere.”

you shake your head and he ponders on what to do.

because even now, even though you’ve both been together for so long that existing with the other is literally needed, there are times when you both get stuck—where existing together feels more complex than it should ever be.

“please,” he pleads softly, “i miss you.”

and if you’re not gonna come to him, he’ll come to you.

so he leans down, forcing you to hold a bit of his weight as he lays atop you. he pulls the pillow away, wiping the few tears away with his thumb.

he kisses your cheek.

twenty-four, you let yourself cry because you’ve missed him so much. seeing other in the evenings or exchanging a few short words doesn’t do it for you anymore, it never will.

another kiss, but on the other cheek. i’m sorry.

another for your forehead, then one more on your nose. i love you.

your hands cling to him and he smiles, caressing your hair. his head lays in the juncture of your neck, frequently wiping your tears with his thumb.

he makes you sit up, only because he wants to hold you.

with your back to his chest, his warm hand envelopes yours. he doesn’t make you face him, because he knows that wouldn’t make you feel comfortable. 

it’s only when he hears your crying subside, that he holds your chin, making you look him in the eyes.

“are we okay?” he mumbles, his lips so close to yours you can feel his breath.

it still gets to you. he still gets to you like you’re both still teenagers; your heart thumps in your ears, body burning because fuck, he’s really close to kissing your lips.

you nod, “’m sorry. didn’t wanna talk to you ‘cuz i was scared.”

his lips slot against yours and it’s gentle, your mind becomes fuzzy with a warmth only kenma can provide you. he chuckles when he pulls away, your lips chasing his.

“don’t worry about that,” he says softly, “i might’ve accidentally made it harder to approach me.”

you shake your head. “thought it was just my overthinking.” you fiddle with your fingers, “i didn’t wanna make a big deal out of it.”

“next time,” he says, “make a big deal out of it. you gotta talk to me, angel.”

you whine, feeling embarrassed because you’ve gotten this lecture from him so many times.

kenma sighs against your skin, wondering if now is the right time. it feels like a good time, but he doesn’t want to waste a special moment because of a good feeling.

“what’s wrong, ken?” you ask, tilting your head back onto his shoulder.

your eyes are red, you’re still sniffling every now and then.

he smiles, hand travelling to his pocket as he pulls out the ring, holding it in front of you. “this is why i was so busy. t—the box is in my gaming room, though, fuck—”

“is that—”

“w—wanna get married, y/n?” his whole face is red. you giggle at his shaking hand as you hold out your own (shaking) hand.

“yeah. i really wanna.”

and you’re crying again as he slips the ring on your finger. the diamonds sparkles at you and you can’t help but fawn over the ring as you sob.

“crybaby.” he mumbles, kissing your cheek. he nuzzles into your neck, arms wrapped tightly around your midsection. “i love you.”

and it’s here you realize that kenma is a lot more traditional than you thought. memories flood in of him always getting you to watch the first snow with him through his window, forcing you under the kotatsu with him as he shows you a new game he started playing.

eighteen. for your two year anniversary, he took you to a place with love locks. signing one off with you before throwing the key god knows where. and you remember thinking it’s weird, because the month before that, he was telling you stuff like that is kinda phony. 

nineteen. you recall him grumbling about getting into a yukata for the festival, but grumbling even more when you gave in and said you’d both attend in normal clothing, because he’s already halfway in the yukata, why would he change? (he just wanted to wear one with you).

twenty-two. his persistence to keep you awake to watch the sun rise on new years.

you realize kenma follows traditions more than you do and you chuckle.

giggling, you hold your hand out where the diamonds on your left ring finger shine happily, tilting your head to kiss him yet another time.

“i love you.”

change. you know your daily lives aren’t going to be much different, but you both like how your last name will be the same as his.

twenty-four. he proposes to you so casually that some might find it weird. but you both aren’t ones for big gestures. you know kenma loves you, it’s in the way he moves your hair out of your face as he asks you if he can still make it up to you.

and he knows you love him, when you laugh and tell him he already has—when you intertwine your fingers with his and kiss the top of his hand, kenma knows and you know, too.

forever it is.

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding Part VI - Star Wars Time Travel AU

Part I - - - - -  Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV - - - - - Part V 

Anakin watched Obi-Wan through the stalks for several minutes. He could see him kneeling at the base of the waterfall, occasionally glancing around, as if searching for someone. Just when he was about to break and interrupt him, Obi-Wan stood and walked over. They sat together on the low bench, surrounded by the carefully cultivated colored fungi. 

“Obi-Wan...maybe we should talk about what’s going on with you. Whatever it is, I’m here for you.” Anakin offered hesitantly.

Obi-Wan tensed, hands clenching in his lap. 

“No.” 

“Master Windu and Bant both seemed to think this isn’t a drug thing. Please, let-”

“That wasn’t what I was saying no to.” 

Obi-Wan stood and began threading a path through the mushrooms, careful not to step on any of the smaller ones. Anakin was forced to follow directly in his footsteps, not wanting to risk damaging something Obi-Wan clearly seemed to care about, but wishing he could look at his Master’s face.

“Did I ever tell you about Bruck Chun?” Obi-Wan asked.

“No. Who’s Bruck?” Anakin responded with deliberate patience.

“He was an old crechemate of mine, quite gifted, though he had a temper. There have been times you remind me of him. We were rivals.” They were approaching the end of the alcove, a large stone overhang throwing them in to shadow.

“Were?”

“He died. When we were twelve.”

When they reached the rock face, Obi-Wan started climbing straight up. Anakin followed. Several clicks above the floor, Obi-Wan squeezed his way into a narrow crack, invisible from the floor below. Anakin followed. They awkwardly shuffled along the passage until Obi-Wan suddenly dropped out of sight. Anakin followed.

They landed in a hidden alcove. It was half lit by sunlight filtering in from cracks above, and half lit by the glow of mushrooms and crystals tenaciously embedded in the rock face around.

“Oh.” Anakin said softly. “Is this where you go when you visit the fountains to meditate?”

“No, I hadn’t been here in years.” Obi-Wan answered wistfully. “I started getting too big, didn’t want to damage the passageway too much. I figured some other younglings would stumble upon it someday like I did. I’m sorry. I avoided this room for the first year or two of your padawanship. By the time I even thought to share it, you had already grown so big...”

He sat down, legs stretched out in front. Anakin sat next to him, mirroring his position.

“I’m glad you’re sharing it with me now.” Anakin smiled reassuringly, but Obi-Wan was staring ahead blankly.  

The young knight swallowed nervously. “Did you...come here with Bruck?”

Obi-Wan let out a snort. “Gods, no! I hid here from him. Before we were rivals, he bullied me relentlessly.”

“And...this is the guy you said I remind you of?” Was he being insulted?

“At times. Math lessons, saber practice, none of that ever came easy to me. But you and him...you never even needed to study. And you do have a vicious streak, Anakin.”

Rather than try to argue in vain against the slight hurt, Anakin just asked, “How did he die?”

Obi-Wan closed his eyes. “He fell.” 

Anakin jerked in surprise, “Wait, you mean-”

“We were fighting at the top of the waterfall- it- he had nearly killed Bant. He was angry that we both had been chosen by Masters, and Xanatos used that to manipulate him into helping with an attack on the temple. Bruck was lashing out. He was a better swordsmen, but his anger made him unbalanced. I knocked him back. And he fell. I’ve forgotten a lot of details about him as a person, but I still remember his body at the bottom of the falls.”

"That’s...awful. I’m sorry.” Anakin said helplessly. He had known the bare basics of Xanatos’s fall, but clearly not the full story.

Obi-Wan sighed, leaning slightly to press their shoulders together. Anakin scootched over to try and provide a little extra silent comfort.

“I thought I had learned to live with my guilt over my part in what happened to him, but I suppose recent events have torn open old scars, so to speak.”

Anakin held his breath, Obi-Wan didn’t add anything else. 

“Obi-Wan” he tried to nudge gently. 

“Hmm?”

Anakin lost his patience, jumping up. “Master, please!” He half yelled, looming over his Master. A flash of fear crossed Obi-Wan’s expression as he looked up, which immediately halted the fit of rage. 

He knelt down penitently, “I’m sorry, Obi-Wan, I shouldn’t have yelled, but please, let me help. I won’t get mad like that again, I swear. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

“You’re not.” Obi-Wan whispered, expression blank. He shuddered all over, fists clenching tightly.

“You’re NOT here for me!” Obi-Wan shouted, suddenly offended. “How can you POSSIBLY claim to be there for anyone after what you-” Obi-Wan seemed to choke on the words. He let out a strangled cry and pulled his knees up to his chest. Tears welled, but he didn’t seem to notice.

Anakin stared wide-eyed, cold all over. “This...this is about something I did. I don’t understand. You... told me a few hours that I’m dear to you, what...what could I have done since then to make you...I don’t understand.”

“You know what you did.” Obi-Wan let out. “And the fact that learning about it didn’t stop me from caring about you doesn’t help, it just makes the heartbreak a thousand times more painful.”

Anakin racked his brain wildly. This couldn’t be about his marriage with Padme, right? He told him this morning that he didn’t mind the sneaking off. There was only one screw-up big enough that could possibly warrant this severe a reaction, and only two people alive knew about that, both sworn to secrecy.

“The younglings,” Obi-Wan whispered. “You - you didn’t even spare the younglings.” Obi-wan looked gutted, terrified. 

Anakin felt like he had been dropped in ice water. This was- this was his worst fear- that Obi-Wan would learn about his darkest failing as a Jedi and be ashamed of him, angry at him, would abandon him. He had already made his judgement. How could he have even learned about about the Tuskens?

“Padme-” he breathed out. “Padme told-”

“No!” Obi-Wan denied desperately, lurching forward. “Padme would never betray you! I would never betray you! We both love you, Anakin. Please, some part of you must know that! You must!”

His master seemed frantic, fingernails digging painfully into Anakin’s arm.

“You love me?” Anakin asked brokenly, heart cracked open.

Obi-Wan let go of Anakin to curl in on himself again. He seemed very small. It hurt to look at.

“I think its safe to say at this point that there’s nothing you could, no betrayal or atrocity you could commit that would make me stop loving you. Despite what you’ve done, you’re my brother, my son- of course I love you. The fact that I led you to doubt my love for you might be my greatest failing, though there are so many its hard to really say.” Obi-Wan sounded utterly defeated.

Anakin’s heart was pounding. This was a nightmare and a childhood dream. Obi-Wan loved him unconditionally, but he knew about his slaughter of the Tusken's and was ashamed. This couldn’t be real. He can’t know.

“Palpatine-” Anakin tried to ask.

Obi-Wan growled. “I do not need to talk about how that power-hungry liar systematically worked to tear us apart. I want to know why you would-” he cut himself off again.

Palpatine told Obi-Wan- that was more than he could even begin to process.

"I’m sorry, Master. I’m so sorry for failing you.” The words came desperately tumbling out, “I was just- I was so angry about my mom’s death and-”

“Your mother’s death? You killed innocent children for the sake of your Mother?! I don’t- how could anyone possibly rationalize-” Obi-Wan hissed out, truly angry for the first time that day. He took a deep breath and pulled himself upright.

“Your mother’s death was a terrible tragedy and I will forever regret my role in it. I should have tried harder to free her, for her own sake. I was so afraid that if I pushed for permission with the council they would think I was failing you, and they would take you from me. I made- so many decisions out of attachment, out of fear of losing you, and in the end I hurt you so badly you couldn’t trust me. You didn’t trust me with the truth of your visions, so I gave you bad advice born of misunderstanding, and your mother died horribly. I- I can see how you would blame the Jedi for that, even if its not rational. I certainly understand why you would blame me for that, why you would hate me because of her death.”

Obi-Wan scrubbed at his face mercilessly, practically tearing skin in his haste to wipe away snot and tears.

“But why, if you were getting revenge, would you kill the children and not me?” “Why couldn’t you just kill me and be satisfied?” He finally looked straight at Anakin, asking like it was a real question.

Anakin was horrified. After a few false starts he finally choked out, “Master, I love you. I told you, you’re the closest thing I have to a father. You’re the last person I could ever kill.”

“The last person you could ever kill,” Obi-Wan echoed back, looking pained.

“Please, Master, tell me how to fix this. I want to make things right. How can I fix things?” Anakin begged.

“That’s not a fair question. You can’t unmurder people. You can’t put them back together like a- an engine or a droid- ”

“There has to be something I can do to make you forgive me!” Anakin said desperately. “You can’t just tell me you love me and then say I’m an irredeemable monster!”

“Well that’s an entirely different matter, though no less cruel to think about.”

He leaned into Anakin’s side once more, the press providing a hint of warmth even in the unshakable cold. “Anakin, it isn’t very rational or fair of me, but it wouldn’t really take that much to get me to forgive you. Kriff, if you just acted sorry for what you had done.” Obi-Wan sighed.

“If you told me that you regretted the lives you took and swore you were going to stop murdering, force help me, I’d probably take you back in an instant. All I ever wanted was to help you be the best version of yourself.”

“I’m sorry.” Anakin said immediately. “I’m so, so sorry for what I did. I lost control of myself because I was scared, and angry, and suffering and, and then I was so scared that you would hate me that I pretended it was ok, and I told myself that they deserved to die, but how could children ever deserve to die and please Master I’ll throw away my lightsaber just please, please don’t leave me, I need you, please-” and the rest of the words dissolved into large, ugly sobs.

Obi-Wan keened and pulled Anakin into his lap like he was a child again. Anakin scrabbled at his cloak, desperately trying to hold on. The terrible chill that had been haunting him slowly started to fade away as he was rocked back and forth. 

After a minute, Anakin got enough of a hold on himself to consider trying to stop blubbering like a crecheling on his Master’s robes. But he quickly realized that Obi-Wan was also crying, so instead threw his arms around the older man and let himself go.

An uncertain amount of time passed before they both slowed from heaving sobs, to dry hiccups, to quiet whimpers. Eventually they ended up laying in a heap, boneless but for their hold on each other. And finally, the cavern was more or less silent.

Anakin felt physically lighter, mind clear like he had just completed an extremely successful meditation session.

Without a word, they slowly shifted so they were leaning on the wall instead of sprawled on the ground. Obi-Wan pulled his robe off, first using it to wipe his face, then tenderly cleaning his Padwan’s. 

Anakin just chuckled. 

Obi-Wan threw the robe so it covered the two of them, which was a little gross, but that only made Anakin snort giddily. 

They sat there peacefully for sometime. The shadows from above started shifting, and Obi-Wan sighed, “I really should go eat something.”

Anakin sighed back at him in agreement. They both stretched in the small space, joints popping.

“Do you need to walk through the rest of the gardens first?” Anakin asked.

“No,” Obi-Wan replied, tenderly fussing with his kid’s hair and robes so they looked presentable. “This was...more than I could have hoped for.”

Anakin beamed, giving Obi-Wan one last quick hug before gesturing upwards. “Time to get back to the real world?” he joked with a hint of regret.

“Time to get back to the real world.” Obi-Wan repeated heavily.

Part VII

[elles-writing]

Dragon Heart - IV.

Taglist: @guardianofrivendell @anjhope1 @legolasoftherings @kumqu4t @grunid @elvish-sky @artsywaterlily @alexloveskili

If you want to be added to tag list, send me a message or comment please.

Warnings/triggers: -

She looked over at Bilbo, who was stirring, and decided it would be a good idea to prepare him a cup of warm tea with some honey and milk. Y/N remembered Bilbo loved this as a child.

So, her next steps took her to the hobbit's kitchen.

Before she stepped inside, Y/N noticed one - perhaps from the older ones - dwarf, who prepared a steaming cup of tea already.

The dwarf didn't seemed to trust her - of course - but his eyes little softened, because she knew Gandalf and Bilbo.

"What tea is that?" Y/N asked instead, genuiely interested.

"Charmomile, for Master Baggins." Y/N hummed and the dwarf quickly left the little hobbit kitchen. You looked around, more concentrated this time. Then, you looked over the hall, pantry, and living room, where was Bilbo, Gandalf and some of the dwarves.

Baggins', now Bilbo's house, has never been un-practical. Maybe for Y/N by it's size, but other than that, there was everything one would need for life.

When Bilbo catched her eyes, Y/N could clearly see he was uncomfortable, upset and absolutely, absolutely done with the subject.

The dwarves.

But most importantly...

Gandalf.

You shrugged, and decided to leave him his burglar-not-burglar game. Bilbo would not be patient forever, but he was mannered and clever enough to know what to do. You were sure the hobbit would feel his Took side with desire for an adventure again.

And take his chance to escape Sackville-Baginses.

As you walked around, you noticed some of the pictures. They seemed to be new - or at least you didn't remembered them.

You walked closer, and stepped on something. You looked down, and noticed it was a dagger. You've never seen the design before, but assumed it must be one of the dwarves'. You picked it up and studied it, when you overheard a voice next to you.

"Careful with this, it's been just sharpened." You turned to see a blonde, blue-eyed dwarf, with braided moustache. He seemed to have the same twinkle in his eyes as Kili.

"I can handle sharp things," Y/N said and looked back at the knife.

"It's nice. Not too light, but not as heavy either." Y/N was thinking aloud. She completely forgot the dwarf next to her, as she studied the dagger.

"You know Master Baggins," He suddenly said. Y/N turned to him.

What the-did he just-

"I do," You nodded, and placed the dagger to his hand.

What the-no, he just didn't-

"You don't look like you are related," he continued.

"That's because we aren't." You ended the topic. Instead, it was your time to ask.

"Who are you?"

"Fili, at your service m'lady," he gently took your hand and kissed the back of your hand, his eyes not leaving yours.

"Y/N, at yours...Fili," You said.

"Oh, Y/N, can I-can I talk to you, for a second?" Bilbo came and you gladly walked aside with him, while Fili send you a wink.

"Bilbo, to answer some of your questions - no, I didn't knew-"

"I'm not talking about the, the dwarves," Bilbo looked over the room with frown on his face.

"Then what is it, my little friend?" You said quietly in attempt to brighten up the situation. Bilbo was almost adorable with frowned pouty face, hands folded on his chest, patting the floor with his foot...only if you could stand straight in his house. Your back thought the size of his house was not adorable at all.

"Well, um...did Gandalf told you to bring them along?" You looked at him with scrunched face, and rolled your eyes.

"I wouldn't be coming if I knew there were dwarves involved. So, if anything, I share your unpopular opinion." And ruffled his hair. He jumped up.

"I'm not a little hobbit anymore, you don't have to do this," Bilbo said through gritted teeth, and you grinned.

"Well, you still are kind of little," You teased him futher, until a dwarf with sharp blue eyes, long, dark hair, and the biggest grumpy and pouty face you've ever seen (not even Bilbo could do that, when he was angy little hobbit).

That dwarf shot you a glare, and also to Bilbo, who was taken aside by him and Gandalf, again.

You felt sorry for Bilbo.

When he was free, you overheard him muttering something about 'surely not going', 'not going anywhere', 'wizards', and so on. You decided to go to sleep, because all of the dwarves were asleep already, and you needed to be up early.

You woken up quickly. The first thing you've heard was the snoring. You scrunched your face, and quickly packed your things. Then, you walked out of Bag End, and decided to wait for them there.

The sunrise was nice time, especially to prepare your horse for the day.

"Shh," you cooed her quietly. It was beautiful mare, tall, and very, very clever.

"It will be okay. We will find dad, and we will go away, to live far away...everything is going to be just fine," You muttered.

"You ready?" Kili stood next to you with a grin on his face. You jumped up a little.

"I am." You said, and noticed Kili's expression as he looked at your horse. You let out a laugh.

"You've never seen a horse before?" Kili walked back a little.

"Not really," he said and you noticed his blushed cheeks.

"Kili!" You both looked over to Fili, standing between two ponies, who called him.

-

"Do you think Bilbo will come?" Kili asked you.

"That hobbit won't show up," Balin said. He was on his pony next to Kili, so he thought he talked to him.

"It's no surprise. Why would Master Baggins leave his home," Thorin (as was the grumpy dwarf named) said.

"I wouldn't understimate hobbits, and especially not Master Baggins," Gandalf said as he smoked his pipe.

"I am sure he is going to come," He said.

And that's when the bet started.

-

It wasn't even five minutes after you left Shire, when you overheard Bilbo's voice in the distance.

"Waaait!"

You looked over to Gandalf, who was hiding a laugh.

"You planned this?" You quietly asked and motioned to the hobbit, who was breathing heavily.

"Well, perhaps," he said, and you scoffed a little and shook your head, as the dwarves seated Bilbo on his pony.

-

The day was beautiful. It was actually quite warm, just warm so you could put down your cloak.

As the evening was approaching, and the sun was setting into palette of gold and velvet, and the sky was getting darker, Thorin decided it was time to set up camp. After a quick argument with Gandalf, the wizard left to seek company of himself. So, there was nothing easier, than to just finding the best place to place your bedroll.

You, Fili and Kili were on first watch. You laid down on your bedroll, and watched the stars. It was cloudless night, plus the crackling sound of fire, and smell of fresh night air was relaxing.

Bilbo was just coming back from his pony, when a sound in distance made him freeze.

"W-what was that?" He pointed to the distance, while looking at Kili.

"Orcs," he said in low, deep voice. You sat up. Bilbo had a part of Took in himself, but he was not that much of a Took.

"There is going to be plenty of those," Fili said, and, obviously, Kili continued.

"They come at night, no screams, just lots of blood," He looked at Bilbo, and the shadows in his face, along with his deep and low voice made it come out horribly scary. Him and Fili started chuckling, but you sighed.

"The way you two snore would make them run for hills, so I wouldn't be that worried," You said, and noticed Bilbo to relax by the corner of your eye.

Kili looked over at you. You pulled out book from your pack. He quickly recognized it, even in the darkness of the night. It was that book you flipped through back in Bag End.

You sat comfortably down, and looked over the illustrations on the pages, and softly touched them.

"What is the book you are reading about, lassie?" Balin asked. You didn't looked up.

"It's a book with tales and stories my...father wrote down," you answered.

"He used to read them to me," you shrugged.

"Would you read some of them-ow, what was that for?!" Kili whisper-yelled at his brother, who chuckled.

"You're a child, Kee," He muttered to himself, and Kili pouted. But Fili was curious as well, which Kili didn't needed to know.

"Well...this one," You flipped a few pages futher.

"This one is called Strange thief and the stars," Y/N comfortably sat and started reading.

"There was once a man. He wasn't very known by name, but by his eyes. His eyes, deep and dark, with sparkles, reminding of stars. Nobody has ever seen eyes like this before, and people were whispering he has stars themselves in his eyes," You slid the tips of your fingers over the drawing, remembering the precision your father has made into repairing them.

"Many women tried to grab his attention, but anytime they didn't sucsceeded, the sparks in their eyes were less visible, but in his as well. And that is why men has decided to call him 'the thief of stars', or a 'strange thief of stars'. He was wandering through the lands, until he found what, as he realized, was looking for,"

"What happened next?" Bilbo asked.

"That girl didn't want to talk to him. She was very kind and caring, but not naive. One day, however, she found a dragon. Big dragon, who seemed scary, but saved her from orcs. The beast's eyes reminded her of someone, yet she didn't knew of whom." You realized everyone was quiet, listening to you, as you spoken.

"The next day, she met the man. He runned into her, in a rush, in a fear - and asked her "Did you see the dragon too?". The young maiden nodded, and helped him to get to safety, as he was very nervous and scared. Since that day, they became closer and closer. One day, when a few years passed, her father - an old, wise and kind man - said, his daughter will marry someone, who gives her something very special. The young man came the next day in their house they lived in. He said," you flipped the page.

" 'I do not have much to offer - gold, silver, or gems - but I do have this," he took out a notebook out of his coat, and offered it. The girl's father took the notebook, and opened it. It was full of drawings of flowers, animals and people - but mainly of one special maiden, when she was laughing, collecting flowers, brushing her hair, cooking, reading...When she came there, and looked throught the book, her father looked at her, and she nodded. So, he looked deeply into the young man's eyes, and said 'She chose you.' "

You finished the story, and Kili giggled at how interested his brother was.

"Now who's the child here,"

[sarahlynnirl]

Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]