#but ive bought a lot of things for myself lately and i feel So Guilty (grew up in a very money tight environment) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

substanceuser971 · 2 years ago

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made the connection between my addictive tendencies and my attachment issues both stemming partly from a feeling of wanting to recreate initial happy memories. it feels like other people are able to move on with their lives easier than im able to. people seem to n=be able to move on from me as soon as i stop being interesting and novel to them, while im stuck wanting to keep replaying what we had when we started, and it plays out the same way with drugs, trying to recreate that same way i felt those first few times i got drunk or high. it feels like i keep trying to create a tiny little time loop that i can live in forever instead of accepting when things arent as good as they used to be. and one feeds into the other too, people have left me for struggling with substance dependence and i depend on booze and weed to cope with feeling abandoned. its a really vicious cycle

ive been doing pretty okay with staying sober lately, but its mostly because i cant afford to stock back up on weed and the only alcohol i have is beer which isnt kosher for passover. today my landlord and his friend came over to do some renovations and they shared a joint with me, and it felt great to finally get high again but i also feel like it sent my brain right back into the mindset of needing to get high daily and keep it in my system. another part of why i get intoxicated so much is because i get fucking horrifically bored and understimulated, and weed and booze are the easiest way to stave off the feeling, so lately ive been trying to put my energy into hobbies and find other ways to stay stimulated as replacement behaviors for using. its been effective and its been a great feeling to be more productive and have more mental capacity to do things i enjoy. but after smoking this afternoon, once i came down from the high, i felt more bored than i have in a good while. the experience makes me think that maybe pot in particular causes me to be dependent on it to fight off boredom, and the lack of boredom it temporarily provides me makes anything i do while sober feel more boring by comparison.

honestly, i dont have faith right now that ill be able to refrain from buying more weed as soon as my paycheck comes in. my finances really arent great, but i have a slight buffer from my upcoming tax return covering my rent for may, and its way too easy for me to just take a bus downtown and hit up one of the many many dispensaries we have here. i can try to put it off for as long as possible, but itll only take a quick moment of my self control faltering enough for me to end up on the bus and then ill come home with enough flower to last me at least a couple weeks. sunk cost fallacy, if ive already bought the bus pass ill feel guilty if i just change my mind and go right back home. maybe if that happens, i can try replacing a dispensary trip with a bit of wandering downtown, check out the shops i havent gotten to see yet and maybe buy myself a cheap trinket or two, or a little snack. i think that would be a good idea, and it would most likely be cheaper without making me feel like i wasted money on the bus pass. i might try to do that if i end up on my way to a dispensary. but really, i dont know if i have the self control to keep from restocking my stash even with that backup plan in place, because its just so fucking easy to get my hands on it as long as i have the money to pay for it, and its so tempting because it feels so good to get high that i end up disregarding the consequences until they hit me.

it feels better waking up in the morning when i fell asleep sober. in the past couple weeks, when ive barely gotten high or drunk, its been a lot less of a pain getting out of bed in the morning, and i always feel groggier on the mornings after using. its uncomfortable and i dont like how hard it is to wake up. on the other hand though, my insomnia has been a lot harder to control since ive had to cut back on weed. it was far from fixed even when i was getting high nightly, but it at least kept my brain fro buzzing so much that i couldnt relax. lately i keep staying awake for like 30 hours at a time even though i get delirious staying awake that long. even right now i just feel exhausted and i want to sleep, but i have too much going on in my brain thats demanding i stay awake and Do Things despite being too sleep deprived to actually do much of anything effectively. im pretty sure i have some kind of sleep disorder, because ive struggled with insomnia and fucked up sleep patterns for years, but i also kind of think cutting back on cannabis could be exacerbating it. the joint from earlier got left with me, and we all only took a couple hits, so ive still got like half a joint left and its tempting to smoke a little more. i think the main things stopping me are the fact that my body feels too exhausted to get out of bed, and the fear of rekindling my dependence on it only to have to go without weed for a few more days.

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thejoshuaglenn-blog · 4 years ago

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You're a Good Boy, Charlie Brown

The key purpose of a Tumblr blog here is really a brain dump: logging thoughts, feelings, narrative and such is easier in long form than via a brief Facebook post that generates half a dozen "oh no, what happened" comments. As I'm writing this, most of it seems like bullet points and organized timelines. If you're looking for a TL;DR or current state of thoughts, it's the last section titled The Day After, and the Day After That.

A few days ago, Niko and I said goodbye to our first dog, Charlie Brown.

I'm not keen to chat about it a lot. There's more to process than I have time to type; most of it centers around being fair to myself and to Niko, taking the time to appreciate his life without beating ourselves up, and avoiding the overwhelming mire that grief can become.

Joining the Family

CB was a rescue, a hapless victim of the 2016 Louisiana floods and a happy-go-lucky participant in a "dog for a day" event hosted by a local shelter. I fully expected to rent him out for a day, give him a few great experiences, and return him. For myriad reasons, we never did bring him back to Pet Rescue by Judy, and he's been with us ever since.

At adoption, he was estimated to be around 4-8 years old. With a kicked-in shoulder that offset his collarbone and ribcage, some assorted dental issues, and other little signs of damage (cigarette burns, what the heck is wrong with people), it was tough to really gauge his age. That means he left this world at the ripe old age of something like 9-13, which isn't terrible considering all he'd been through.

Charlie Brown was the iconic good boy. He seldom barked, he never licked or jumped, and just wanted to be in the same room as his favorite people. He had a few toys that he cherished, never ripping them up, just carrying them with him from room to room and whining a bit, unsure of where he could store them for safekeeping. Apart from some separation anxiety issues and an occasional urge to bolt out the door and book it as far as he could, CB was by all accounts an easy first dog: more like a low-effort cat than anything else.

Slowly Falling Apart

Over time, the health issues increased. Intermittent but predictably regular upset tummy. Bad gums, bad teeth. Random gooey skin lesion. Eye ulcers. Since October, we've been averaging 2-3 unplanned vet visits a month — many incurring some hefty bills. We'd take out another credit card, find another financing plan, but it adds up. So does the emotional toil on the family; so does the anxiety toll on the dog.

You start to think about quality of life for the dog, you know? He'd had a few teeth removed to sew up his gums after they kinda detached and fell apart from his jawbone — so he couldn't chew anything hard. Couldn't even chew a tennis ball, which was the only toy he took interest in anymore. Couldn't have any fun treats like peanut butter or other soft chews, as his tummy would have bad flare-ups that usually ended up with him attached to an IV bag. After finally settling in and learning to play well with Atlas, Charlie Brown started to get pretty irritable whenever Atlas got frisky.

He still loved running around outdoors, and was in otherwise great health.

I can't tell you how guilty that makes me feel, even now.

Moving to Waltham

Before we left Orlando, there were so many crisis moments in emergency vet offices where Niko and I talked about how long he could ride this roller coaster. CB obviously was not a fan of vet visits: loved the staff, but was notably anxious and panicky when separated from us, and he had grown very loathe to the process of poking, prodding, and whatnot.

Shortly after moving to Waltham (he was a champ in the U-Haul), Charlie Brown had a severe colitis flare-up. He was losing so much fluid and was growing very lethargic over the day. Vets are hard to get into these days: with the sweep of "pandemic puppy" adoptions, the vet industry as a whole is saturated with demand, and practices are responding as best they can. There were just no emergency clinics available to us within 20 miles, except one that noted "we have no availability, but you can come and wait, and we might be able to see you in 4 or 5 hours." So we did.

It was a very late night. Charlie Brown came home with us with another round of the same antibiotics he'd been taking almost regularly since December for his assorted ailments, and some probiotics. The next day, CB seemed a bit better and brighter, and Niko and I went into the city for part of the day. We came home to find he'd had an accident, but it was just... blood. So so much. And he looked so in pain, so ashamed, so guilty, so anxious.

So we went back to the vet ER. It was another very late night. I didn't know how many of these late nights we could afford; neither of us knew how many of these late nights it was fair to expect Charlie Brown to endure.

Do you plan on letting a pet go after an extended crisis visit? Do you plan on letting a pet go in a time of relative peace?

Camping Analogy, and a Best Last Day

When you're off on a long hike, and you see daylight start to fade as the sun begins to set, you begin to think about finding a good place to set up camp for the night. It's abysmal to do this after the sun has already gone down: where you could have had preparation and structure, you have chaos by flashlight.

A dog's life is in your hands. You're his whole world: all food, adventure, pampering, challenge, treatment, and care come from you. More than anything, we wanted Charlie Brown to have a peaceful, restful life. Now that we started thinking about it, we wanted to be able to give him a peaceful, restful passing as well: not as the climax of another overnight crisis with injections and yelps and beeps and cowering and anxiety and fear, but in the still quiet of familiar sounds and smells.

His very last day was a great one. Fresh Pond in Cambridge: a massive stroll around a colossal lake with an absurd bounty of new smells, kind people, happy dogs, and a brisk New England breeze. He got to swim in a little side pond — that boy lived for jumping into random lakes. He ran around the broad field that is Kingsley Bowl, chasing a thrown ball the very very farthest his sad pop could throw it — and he brought it back. We bought him a steak. We told him how much he brought to our lives.

And then we waited.

Lap of Love is a sort of home delivery service of dignified passing for pets. There's more to say on that hour than I care to pen, but throughout the procedure, we never left him. Charlie Brown passed enveloped in our arms and laps and sobs and hugs.

The Day After, and the Day After That

The rest is just thoughts. Your head starts to feel like a coffee shop where your grief comes in, sits at a table with you, and unloads. You nod, listen, and wish them well. I hope I can keep processing this way — I find it helpful, and less overwhelming.

I wish he had been able to play with his tennis ball more. Since his jaw surgery — even out on Kingsley Bowl, nearly a month and a half after he should have been fully healed — any kind of chewing would cause renewed bleeding and pain.

I wish we had hugged him more. But truth be told, he didn't like hugs. They made him uncomfortable. So we gave him a hand to lay his head on, or a knee for him to pop his head upon, as often as he liked.

There were so many times I felt inconvenienced by owning a dog at all. They weren't the majority, but... now each remembered time feels like a splinter of selfishness.

I miss how familiar the back of his neck felt under my hand, just behind the ears, where the waves of fur meet and crash and make a long cowlick of foof and fluff.

His happy smile and his stressed smile were very similar, but you could still tell which was which.

I loved being there for him in thunderstorms.

When you think about it, we sort of were hospice care for him. We weren't his original owners; we just wanted the rest of his life to be painless and fulfilling. He had so many trust issues when he first came to us. And in the end, he loved anyone he met.

I miss feeling around with my feet to make sure I don't step on him on my way to bed. I miss setting my feet on the floor as I wake, stooping down, and giving his head a good squishy rub.

He never did get to see Boston snow. I mean... thousands of dogs never get to see snow. But I was really looking forward to sharing that experience with him.

I wanted so badly to bring him to a point of health, and then say goodbye when he was feeling well. Seeing him have his Best Last Day, part of me whispered "murderer" with cold accuracy, and I have a hard time shaking it. He was so happy — but between jaw bleeding after playing with a tennis ball, seeing him scratch his eyes that were starting to ache with ulcers again... I know the unbridled happiness came with the reality of his declining health.

Atlas was the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I know Charlie Brown was at least a little disgruntled that his easy-going day-to-day had been interrupted by a chompy puppy, but Atlas brought out the young pup in CB: ripping palm fronds to shreds, playing tug, playing tag, meeting new dogs with confidence and assurance.

I used to get so mad at my mother-in-law for feeding Charlie Brown cinnamon donuts. I wish I'd given him more. Heck, I wish I'd given him more peanut butter. I'm frankly surprised he hadn't died of peanut butter overdose years ago.

Where Charlie's health had limits, we kept going with Atlas. That might mean taking Atlas out to play with a ball or a tug toy, because CB couldn't. It breaks my heart now to think of Charlie at the glass door just watching it happen, all because he physically couldn't play the same. I know he didn't understand that.

We took him out to Park Ave maybe once or twice. I wish it had been more. Truth be told, it was the same as the dog park, though: he was kind of a loner. Loads of people or dogs made him anxious. So while I might idealize the past and wish he had sat at our legs for lunch after lunch at an outdoor thoroughfare, ... I think he would have been miserable. I think he would have rather just curled up at the base of the couch and dozed while we watched a show.

He was so trusting. I could just drag him onto his back and onto my lap for cuddles and a good tummy rub. No complaints.

He looked so gaunt these past few months. I keep looking at earlier photos, and I really didn't realize just how grizzly and drawn he had become lately.

I miss seeing him randomly waiting for me outside the bathroom door — or curled up on the bath mat while I was in the shower, having sneakily nosed the door open and wanting my company while I was rinsing.

For his first few years with us, he was incredibly playful. I've been going through old videos — it's like going outside just blew his mind, and toys were either for cherishing daintily, or thrashing about and throwing to oneself and gnawing. He lost that after a time. He regained it a bit when Atlas joined the party. But it still faded. I'm sure that's inevitable, but it makes me sad to see the early vibrant puppy in those old recordings, and how different he had been in recent months.

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infinitelytheheartexpands · 4 years ago

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My laptop is currently updating, so while I have that working in the background, I wanted to share a series of six short, mostly-opera-inspired autobiographical narratives/prose poems I wrote last April and May:

I would kill to have some wine right now.

There is a bottle of red wine sitting on the kitchen counter. My father bought it when he went to the store the other day─ don’t ask me what day it was, I don’t remember, the days already blend together as is─ and I have considered pouring even just a little bit into a glass and downing it.

And then proceeding to throw the glass against the wall and shatter it.

I’ve been contemplating doing that a lot lately.

True, I would kill to have some wine, but if I did go ahead and pour even just a little bit into a glass, and down it, and possibly then proceed to throw the glass against the wall and shatter it, I would most likely be killed before I had the chance to kill.

Kill or be killed. We are all trying our very best to do neither these days, but it happens anyway.

I am sixteen years old. As I start writing this, I am nine days away from turning seventeen. For me, alcohol consumption is thus not only not approved by the Parents, but also illegal. But then again, so is voting blue in the 2020 US Presidential election. That is also something neither approved by the Parents nor legal for me. But I digress.

Thirty-one, twenty-nine, thirty-one again, sixteen now, that makes sixty, ninety-one, one hundred and seven days since I watched one of my classmates get drunk at a New Year’s Eve party. She downed a whole bottle of peach wine (I didn’t even know that was a thing) and looked at me with her red eyes and silver-sequined halter top and curly dark brown hair in a high ponytail. You’re more beautiful than Jesus she told me and you’ll go to the moon on a rocketship. I laughed.

I laugh when something’s so unexpected I can’t do anything else. I laughed when I first heard Notre Dame Cathedral had caught fire because it seemed so ludicrous that I couldn’t do anything else. Notre Dame on fire? You can’t be serious, it can’t be serious.

It was serious.

I’m not sure if she was.

A little part of me wishes she were.

When I was in sixth grade, I told the same girl I thought her hair was luscious. Sixth-grade me didn’t know the word had a sexual connotation; the girl did and was offended.

Maybe a little part of me did know, somehow.

***

As I write this next part, I am working on a paper about state-sponsored censorship. I have picked this topic because it is a fascinating topic, it fits the requirements for the paper─ write about a major global problem─, and because I feel censored myself.

Expressing anything that conflicts with the Parents’ thoughts and opinions is strictly forbidden. If you are different, you are ostracized. I am different, so I am ostracized.

I am too proud, too strong to succumb. But it still hurts.

As I write this, I am listening to Act IV of Rossini’s Guillaume Tell, an opera about liberation, appropriate for both me and my paper. At this moment, Hedwige is calling on God, ‘the hope of the hopeless’, to save her husband and break the yoke of oppression that binds Switzerland.

It’s very nice, and the sentiment is good and true, and it works for her and Mathilde and Jemmy and the Swiss women, but it does not work for me. I lost my faith a long time ago. Ironically, it is French grand opéra, the genre to which Guillaume Tell belongs, that is partially responsible for my loss of faith.

It was impossible for me to watch Verdi’s Don Carlos for the first time in eighth grade and Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots in tenth and not be horrified by the things people do in the name of religion, to kill people senselessly just because they believe slightly differently than them─ even their own daughters (as is the finale of Les Huguenots).

How can a good God allow such things?

Do I realize these works are fictional? Yes. But do I know they are based on history, on real events? Yes.

“These things are meant to happen; they are all in God’s plan.” Well, can God just not find another way to make what’s meant to happen happen? I cannot believe in a God that allows these things to happen. To say that an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good God who can allow such things exists is a lie.

***

Now that Guillaume Tell is over, I am listening to another grand opéra, Les vepres siciliennes, albeit in its Italian version, I vespri siciliani. Another opera about occupation and liberation, but a liberation that comes at a horrible cost: the entire French ruling class is massacred by the Sicilians at the end of the opera.

If I didn’t care, I would stage my own personal ‘massacre’: I would turn my back, walk out the front door with the possessions I most needed to survive on my own, and never come back.

But I do care. They may not care, but I do.

One of my greatest curses is that I care about what I care about too much. My heart is too deep to not care.

There are some battles that are not worth being fought.

If a massacre is your only recourse to accomplish something, perhaps you should not do that thing. Or, at least try to find another way.

Right now, I am at the beginning of Act III, at Monforte’s aria “In braccio alle dovizie”. In the original French, it’s called “Au sein de la puissance”. At the breast of power.

Monforte is the hated French governor of Sicily, the revolutionaries’ primary target. When he sings this, he has just learned that one of the main revolutionaries, Arrigo, is his long-lost illegitimate son.

By rape.

‘The breast of power’ indeed.

Just like with a massacre, if rape is your only recourse to accomplish something, perhaps you should not do that thing either.

Just a thought.

I’m a woman. What do I know, in the eyes of many out there?

One of my friends said that Verdi gave Monforte his just deserts, but also overly beautiful music. “He couldn’t help it, though, not when his Dad Music Instincts were activated.”

I feel guilty listening to the aria, even though it is truly a beautiful piece and the recording I’m listening to─ a 1989 recording from the Teatro alla Scala, with Giorgio Zancanaro as Monforte─ is absolutely gorgeous.

Can we separate the music from the character, the art from the artist? I do not know. Everyone has something utterly heinous to someone else. Once we stop separating the art from the artist, where do we begin again? And yet, I do not want to support people who do horrible things to others.

Perhaps it is all relative.

Perhaps everything is.

Perhaps nothing is absolute at all.

That frightens me.

***

Today is Rome’s 2,773rd birthday. As a six-year Latin student and future classics and history double-major, this is cause for celebration.

If things were normal and I were at school, my Latin teacher would bring birthday cake for all the Latin students, and we’d eat it and sing “Felix dies natalis, Roma”. Happy Birthday, Rome.

But things are not normal, and I’m at home multitasking between this and a presentation script for that paper, and still listening to I vespri siciliani.

Now I’m at the end of Act IV. Everyone is celebrating the impending marriage of Arrigo to Duchess Elena, one of the Sicilian revolutionary leaders. Sicilian and French, united at last. Everything is set to work out.

But there’s still Giovanni da Procida, the other major revolutionary leader, who is hellbent on revenge. He sees this wedding as the perfect opportunity to strike down the French once and for all.

And thus, the massacre.

Everything can be set to work out, but there is always something that comes up. A massacre, a pandemic, a set of internal troubles that bring a proud empire to its ruin.

Now I’m in Act V, at Elena’s bolero ‘Merce, dilette amiche’. She has no idea about Procida’s plans; she’s just excited to marry Arrigo and bring peace to her beloved Sicily at last. I think I’m going to change operas again after this is over; the act is rather uneven (though I still very much like it) and I would prefer not to listen to everything falling apart today.

I debate listening to Berlioz’s Les Troyens, the closest thing to an opera about the founding of Rome and a masterpiece itself. But there is still too much about collateral damage for my tastes today: one kingdom falls and another loses its benevolent queen, all in the name of a supposedly greater destiny. And that’s just based on the first third of the Aeneid. I wrote an essay about that first third once for English class, using that thesis; my English teacher said it was one of the best essays he’d ever read. But I digress.

After a quick refresher on the synopsis, I decide to change styles and go with a story from the heyday of the Roman Empire: Handel’s Agrippina. Lots of plotting, but everyone gets what they want in the end and it ends happily for all. No collateral damage here. I am weary of that.

Sometimes I feel like collateral damage.

It’s tough to remember that you’re the master of your own story, not just a side character or a scapegoat in so many others’.

Everyone in this opera knows they’re the masters. That’s the problem. But it ultimately works out.

I want nothing more than for it to work out for me. It hasn’t yet.

But I have a feeling it will.

***

I got maybe halfway through the first act of Agrippina yesterday. I love Baroque opera, but I guess only in small doses.

No matter.

Today I’m listening to the beginning of Act II of Verdi’s Don Carlo. This is the fourth time in a row I’ve listened to it.

I read John Green’s Turtles All The Way Down recently. The main character frequently finds herself stuck in ‘thought spirals’, where she keeps thinking more and more about the same thing. I have those too, although I tend to picture my mind more as a bullet train: it always moves hundreds of miles an hour, faster than I can control, from one thought to the next. I constantly find myself retracing the figurative map of my mind to figure out what I was thinking about, what I need to remember but simply cannot. And it’s like my mind keeps returning to the same stations a lot; these are my equivalent to the spirals.

This opera, this moment, is one of my frequent stations.

Make that five times in a row now. This will be the last, I promise myself.

In this scene, a group of monks chant, praying for the rest of the dead Emperor Charles V, whom, I note with a smile, was himself a character in one of Verdi’s earliest operas, Ernani. In that opera, he sings an aria where he confronts his destiny as the next Holy Roman Emperor. My legacy will live throughout the ages, he sings.

Including in two different Verdi operas.

But there I go again on another bullet-train route.

The monks are singing now, their stark minor-major shifts making me feel as if I am there, in the cloister of San Yuste or in any of the great cathedrals of Spain, looking up into the vaults of the ceiling, of heaven itself, seemingly. The only lights come from candles in my mental picture, and I gaze up, my head uncovered, my mind only partially spellbound, more by the visual beauty and the history than by any religious feeling.

I am a heathen.

I have only been inside a Catholic church once, when I was fourteen; it was an impromptu side trip during a school-sponsored tour of colleges in St. Louis. One of the chaperones said the Cathedral Basilica had can’t-miss art, and thus managed to get a large section of the attendees to come with her.

She was right. It was one of the most beautiful places I’d ever seen. And that was all I thought.

Okay, that’s a lie. I did wonder what it would be like to be able to have faith again, to be able to kneel in one of the pews, and pray, and believe, as my ancestors have done before me; after all, if religion were something you inherited in your blood, then I would be half-Catholic.

But I cannot kneel and pray and believe.

In this scene, one of the monks claims that Charles V fell because he was too proud, because he believed that he was greater than God. If a god exists, I do not claim to be greater than them. I am not perfect, not by a long shot.

He did not die because he did not believe in God. He died because everyone dies, even those who are supposedly the greatest of us.

God alone is great, the monk proclaims. I do not, cannot believe that. We are all great to begin with, but some of us are led to believe we are not.

We are the masters. I must remember that.

And I realize that I have let it play a sixth time.

Sometimes I am not the master of my own mind.

***

The sixth time was the last.

Now I am at the end of the act, listening to the showdown between Filippo II, King of Spain, and Rodrigo, Marquis di Posa. Filippo is the guardian of the way things are; Verdi called Rodrigo an anachronism, and indeed, he was the only principal character who never existed.

Rodrigo, he said, was at least two centuries ahead of his time.

I don’t know what exactly Verdi’s feelings were about this, but personally, I do not think this is a bad thing. Progressivism is often progressivism in any age.

At any rate, Rodrigo, who has recently returned from Spanish-held Flanders, has taken his chance─ a rare private meeting with the King, who is confused as to why Rodrigo has never approached him for favors like all the other courtiers─ to confront him about the horrific conditions of Flanders and its people. Give them liberty, he pleads.

No. I have given them the same peace I have given Spain.

A horrible peace!, Rodrigo fires back. The peace of the tomb!

We should not have to suffer until death.

Let history not say of you, “He was a Nero.” A murderer of innocents, a torturer of the defenseless, an occupier, a denier of liberty─ perhaps the greatest torture of all.

I once watched a video in which a director said, “To live in an occupied country is to live only half a life.” I would say that to live in an occupied country, or even any place where you cannot be free, cannot live fully as yourself, is not even that. It is to barely live at all. It is to merely have a beating heart and breath.

To live in spite of this, to simply be as you wish, is the ultimate act of defiance.

#notyouraveragejulie writes #(or rather reads old writing)#writing #poetry #poems #prose poems #autobiographical narratives #life in the time of COVID #opera #opera tag #censorship #freedom #also the author would like to note that this was written *before* she saw Agrippina and loved it so those comments aren't 100% accurate now

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katieelizabeth · 5 years ago

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What would you call your body type? Definitely curvy

Are you a morning person? Yes and no. I’m taking sleep meds for nausea so right now waking up is kinda hard.

Have you ever been to Target? Loveeeeee Target

Do you like iced tea? Iced tea is always my jam

When is the next time you’ll be at work? Hmm it’s kinda up in the air right now. I’m itching to get back tho.

Do you have a savings account? Yes. one for myself, one with my boyfriend

Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Only once.

What color bedsheets are currently on your bed? Currently grey

Have you ever been to Disney World? If so, how many times have you been? Yes, I wanna say total like 6 times.

Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? It absolutely does.

Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? My boyfriend thinks I'm a terrible wrapper hahah

Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes.

What would you say is your favorite television show? If I had to narrow it down, probably Skins.

Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Yes and no. I don’t care for holiday dinners with my family but I love holiday dinners with my boyfriends family.

Is there any piece of jewelry you’re constantly wearing? I’m not married or engaged but I do wear a small silver band on my ring finger.

What is one thing you desire as of now? To be able to just go and sit down in a restaurant. This virus has everyone living in fear and I'm tired of it and want to live normally and enjoy my pregnancy

What kind of phone do you have? An iPhone XR.

If you could move anywhere, where would you choose? Canada or London

Do you blog a lot, if at all? No not really. I used to when Xanga was big.

Is your present hair color, natural? Nope.

What makes you the most angry when it comes to people? My boyfriend thinks that anytime my opinion is different than his, then I'm trying to argue with him. It’s so fucking frustrating.

Describe your current outfit? Anaheim Ducks shirt and matching pj pants hahah

What was the last thing you ordered online? Some toothbrushes lol

Have you ever felt as though you were drifting apart from a best friend? Ive had two best friends in my life completely shut me out before. It sucks.

What color are your eyes? Poop brown

Have you ever worn color contacts? I have but I could never wear them because of the astigmatisms in both my eyes. Lasik was the best decision of my life

What’s the best thing about a hug? Right now I miss everything about hugs

Biggest fear? Losing my loved ones, death, never getting better/getting worse, never doing anything with my life....

If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? Just celebrated three years

Do you know any genuinely friendly people? Yes.

Do you buy your friends gifts? I try to when I can

What was the last thing you plugged in? My phone to the charger.

How old are you? 29

What color headphones do you own? They’re black.

Have you ever shopped on Urban Outfitters? No, just a reminder than I'm fat

Where do you buy the majority of your clothing? Amazon, Goodwill

Would you rather wear necklaces or earrings? Necklaces

Do you consider yourself fortunate? Very

Do you enjoy watching fights? Nooo.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? No way

Do you tend to talk badly about people? I try not to but everyone is guilty of that

Where are your parents as of now? Watching tv in the tv room

Does your computer cooperate most of the time? I literally just bought it so yes haha

Does your family have any cheesy traditions? Kind of

When did you last go to a book store? Gosh it’s been a while!

What’s the closest book store where you live? Barnes & Noble.

How much money do you have on you right now? On hand, $20.

Favorite personal feature? my hair and my lips

Are you wearing make up at the moment? Nope.

Favorite television channel? Bravo, E!, ID, HBO

Describe any piercings or tattoos you might have? 6 tattoos no piercings

Have you ever been fired from a job? INope

Are you currently losing a best friend? No.

Describe the worst day of your life: I’m good.

Do you play any video games? Not at the moment

Would you say you hate anyone? I feel hatred towards racists, homophobics, ect.

Do you think freckles are cute? Very cute!

Last time you went to the mall? Gosh its been a really long time

Name something that’s your favorite color: anything teal

Have you been to Red Lobster before? Yesssss. I want seafood

Do you judge by appearances? Anyone who tells you they don't to some degree is a fucking liar.

Do you follow a certain religion? No thank you

Who is your role model, if you had to choose? Im not really sure

Would you rather have nice hair or lips? Hair.

What are you most self conscious about? Pretty much my whole body

Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yeah.

Do you consider yourself short? Nope, I'm average height for a girl

What room are you in? Mine.

Hoodies or jackets? Hoodies.

Are you outside a lot? No not really. The sun doesn’t like my skin haha

Have you ever been dumped via text message? Nope

Do you like dreamcatchers? Not really

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? I don’t have one.

Do you hate repetitive people and things? Depends on the situation

Do you think autocorrect is a blessing or curse? BOTH

Do you believe in any particular curses? No.

Ever play a Ouija board? Nope, my mom wouldn't let me growing up

What movie scares you the most? The Exorcist. I can watch the movie now no problem but it FUCKED up my childhood.

What was your bedtime as a child? 9. I remember watching Happy Days from 8-9

Reason why your favorite holiday is your favorite: Who doesn't love Christmastime?

Do you work with any close friends? I work with my baby daddy

Do you consider yourself spoiled? I would say in some way I'm probably spoiled

Do you listen to any country music? yes

Favorite high school teacher: I don’t specifically remember any high school teachers I liked. Probably my French teacher. He was super cool!

Do you ever get drunk? Of course. Can’t drink yet tho until after baby

Have you ever had highlights before? Nope

Favorite number: 7,10

Do you still sleep with any stuffed animals? Not anymore. I used to for a a long time

What is your biggest regret in life? Eh I've got a few

Would you say you think you have a mental disorder of some kind? Depression/anxiety. Ive taken meds for it

Are you normally an independent person? I like to think myself as independent but my boyfriend sure takes care of me. I dunno what id do without him

Do you have any paintings? a few

What is one clothing fad you wish never existed? anything from the early 2000s haha

Do you like to be organized? Do I like it? Yes. Am I organized? NO

Have you ever failed a class before? oh yes

Ever been judged because of your weight? All the time. Not so much as an adult tho

What is your favorite breakfast cereal? The sugary bad ones, ha.

Ever had a wish come true? Nope

Do you regret meeting any of your exes? No way

Do you own any coloring books? Yes haha those adult ones

What’s the meanest thing someone’s called you? I can’t think of anything specific. Probably fat

Have you ever bullied someone? I likely have, unfortunately :(

Do you ever watch Lifetime? Only for the reality shows

Ever tried to intentionally sabotage someone’s grade? God no

Do you own any brown clothing? Hmmm I don’t think so

What color are your walls painted? White.

Last thing you drank: I’m drinking decaf coffee

Have you ever seen a tornado in person? Noooo.

Do you have an inground pool at your house? Nope

What is the first digit of your phone number? 9

What’s the prettiest town you’ve been to? Anywhere in England

Do you tend to sleep a lot? yes and no. I’m taking sleeping meds but it’s hard for me to fall asleep

Silver or gold jewelry? Silver

Do you sometimes celebrate holidays early? Not usually. My boyfriends family Is out of state tho

Have you ever been in love? Yes.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? My unborn child

When was the last time you showered? Last night

Would you consider yourself attractive? Sometimes yes

Has anyone made you mad today? Nope

Favorite smell: Vanilla

Are you afraid of insects? I wouldn't say afraid

Do you have any children? I’ve got one cookin in the oven haha

If so, what are their names? I’ll tell you when I know the gender

Would ever consider having children in the future? MORE children? Lets see how traumatized this first one is haha

Have you ever lived on a farm? No.

Ever played any sports? Oh yes, played soccer till I was 18

Do both of your parents have jobs? They're both retired from jobs they were at for 40+ years

Where is the best place you’ve been on vacation to? Its a tie between South Africa, London and Colorado

Are you afraid people won’t accept you? Not anymore. Being an adult means getting over that haha

Are you, for the most part, an honest person? I try to be

Did you make prank phone calls as a child? oh yes!

Do you like to make donations? Yeah.

What is your current ringtone? Just the standard apple ringtone

Meet anyone from your past lately? No.

Have you ever called a teen suicide line? No.

Have you ever caught something on fire? Not that I can think of

Ever been obsessed with a show? Ive been obsessed with many shows

What type of perfume or cologne do you use? English Laundry Signature

What’s the last book you read? The book that Ted Bundys girlfriend wrote

Dream career: Zooologist

Have you ever climbed a mountain before? Yes, in Colorado

At what age do you plan to get married? Not sure, we aren't in a rush to marry

Ever been in a car accident? Yes, three

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moonchildhcs · 6 years ago

Text

parkchan hcs

hi kids uwu

in retaliation to miss parker dae’s decision to write some persimin im writing some parkchan so bring it on, bitch boy

how do yall meet ?? its because u were both at the park uwu

u and persi were playing on the swings and oru boy bang chan arrived with his kids and !! he might be the leader but he Wants The Swings !!! but persi is in their own world so you, being a Kind Person (not because hes super cute or anything) gave up ur swing for him and decided to play on the monkey bars instead

and it goes like this for a few hours !! its u, persi, and the boys playing around the park and having the time of ur lives !!! but then the ice cream truck comes and chan, not forgetting that you gave up ur prized swing for him, went over and bought u both some !!! and its the expensive soft serve ice cream too and ur like BITCH WAIT LEMME PAY U BACK

and hes like no !! u gave up ur swing for me !! im repaying u for ur kindness

persi and the kids in the background: huehuehue lovebirds

anyways u two playfully bicker about who owes who (chan insists ur both equal but u insist u owe him) before it gets really,,,, really dark our and u all have to head home and chan, smooth as hecking EVER, says he needs ur number so yall can settle this matter later and who are u to deny this hot guy with a cute accent ??? so u give him ur number and ur like “i WILL repay u”

and he gives u the cutest grin and is like “sure you will ! its a date” and he leaves and u fucking SCREAM

and he keeps u to it yall go on an ice cream date later and u treat this time !! tho he did try to sneakily pay when u left for the bathroom but you caught him in the act and he just,,, walks back to his seat and ur like :^) before paying for the two of you !!

also yall take some cute pics but he insists on having his mask on (you think its for the fashion but its bc he doesnt want to get caught by dispatch oopsies)

and this becomes a monthly thing !! you guys go out to a new ice cream place and try different flavors and stuff once a month as a date but also yall enjoy going on different kinds of dates as well :^)

such as exploring !!! chan told you his job sometimes forces him to stay up rlly late and ur like :( oh no bb but then hes like BUT LETS GO ON A NIGHT ADVENTURE and ur like oh HECK yeah !!! and you guys explore the city at night

also u both speak english and korean so sometimes yall just,, randomly switch between the two in the middle of ur sentences ! anyways uwu

this is maybe three months?? after yall started going on dates and yall are stargazing from the rooftop of the tallest building there is in the area and ur eyes are sparkling, looking at the sky as some soft music plays from ur playlist

and chan just blurts out an “i love you” and you whip your head because !!! holy shit !! and hes like “please, please be my girlfriend” and ur like omg YES !!!

and thats how yall start dating !! but he feels guilty bc hes assumed that u dont know that hes an idol and he calls you and hes like “ive been keeping a secret from you” and ur like “ur an idol? dw i been knew but ur a person before u r an idol !! it changes nothing between us” and his heart hecking BURSTS with his love for you bc !! u dont care abt his career u care about him primarily and he just LOVES YOU

anyways now that yall are an Established Couple lets explore the dynamics shall we?

tbh yall are just big hecking softies !!! yall love to stay in and cuddle because chan is a busybody and can be,, tired especially with promotions so sometimes yall just put on a nice movie or some cool tunes and,, cuddle with a bunch of blankets and stuff

and its rlly cute and wholesome and just,,, uwu

as mentioned yalls continue your ice cream dates !! its a tradition and even if he goes overseas yall just facetime each other and go out to an ice cream place and c o n s u m e !!!! its rlly cute actually and after a while yall settle on One ice cream place that not only has really good ice cream but is also not that busy so chan doesnt have to wear his mask inside !!!

hes five inches taller than you which is Optimal for forehead kisses !!! he just Smooch you all the time !! also loves smooching ur nose he thinks u have a v cute boopable nose !!! he just rlly loves showering u with affection

also he loves to be big spoon !!! he just likes emphasizing that he is bigger than you its fun and to him its very cute, especially when u get frustrated and ur like “IM NOT SHORT” and hes like aha, tell that to our height difference :)

also yall have made eachother so many playlists before and sometimes its a lil bit spicy to indicate that yall find each other Hot but mostly its just rlly cute, meaningful playlists that have made eachother cry

also you BETTER believe this sappy boy has made you more than one song !!! he just lovessss you and he subtly mentions u with nicknames and variations of spider man and ur like (O//W//O) bc thats so hecking cute and meaningful !!

also he better believe ur his number one supporter !! uve got all the merch (but also eventually he finds out that despite being ur bf ur bias is hyunjin and he pouts for a week straight lol)

also u steal so much of his clothing that at one point hes like “parker.. please return my shirts i have nothing but pants to wear” and ur like “oh my god bet?” jokes jokes but im sure the view would be nice oopsies

u dont say it but u love his accent a lot u think its rlly cute (and a lil hot) and he doesnt notice it at first but eventually he notices the dreamy look on ur face when he speaks english and hes like oh? is that what i think it is? and he goes out of his way to speak english from then on and ur like BITCH but also KEEP TALKING

u guys have some lowkey couples clothing but the most blatant is a matching necklace !! it has a sunflower charm on it and its rlly cute :)

anyways bitch lets get onto that hecking SPICEEEEE

u saw the babygirl broadcast. the og broadcast with the pic. and once that live was over u texted him like :^) babygirl huh?

and hes like,,,, oops !

but this prompted a discussion abt kinks between yall and he was like ,, i cant call u babygirl because imma have to call my fans that now to cover for myself but,,, a daddy kink,,, whew chile !

later that day he comes over to ur house and fucks you into the mattress as u scream daddy into the pillow! and dont worry; he calls u princess instead :)

he likes tying you up with these rlly nice silk ribbons !! especially these baby pink ones he thinks u look rlly cute with baby pink :^)

hes not into ageplay of course he thinks thats fucking weird but he likes being called daddy and sometimes when u want to be a brat ull lean into him in public and call him daddy and hes like Wait Till We Get Home and ur rlly in for it with then bc then ur getting it especially rough that day he doesnt give a FUCK

but semi-public spaces are a no go hes got an image to maintain and a career at risk so its strictly at ur place but the absolute tension between yall as yall approach ur place is palpable like... hes rlly intense

also sometimes hes rlly into producing music so sometimes ull be in his Producing Room with him and ur just,, rlly horny but hes like Im Sorry I Have To Work so u get off by riding his thigh and ur like NICE but hes like,,, fuck thats hot and so he takes a break from producing and instead fucks you in the recording room since its soundproof :^)

anyways yall are spicy oof the flavor !

#parkchan #spicy!

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chocolatemillkk · 7 years ago

Text

Kid Brother IV

I wake to the bright light from my windows the next morning. Or afternoon, I realise as I check my clock. I thank myself from last night for being responsible and drinking tons of water before going home as my hangover is nonexistent. The warm body on the sheets next to me hums in his sleep and I recognise the shock of red hair as Josh. So I guess we did end up at my place, I realise as the night comes back to me.

Josh's hand is wrapped around my midsection and his face rests near my shoulder. He looked peaceful in the morning light, and he was a perfect gentleman last night-just as he'd been when we went out a few months ago. But a small feeling in the pit of my stomach makes me feel uneasy. In another life, I could see Josh and I getting on but in this one, Josh couldn't be more than a friend. Because now that I've had my first night with another guy whilst aware of my feelings for Joe, things didn't sit right. Especially when it was his best mate I slept with.

Zoe and I became best friends in primary school and Joe and I got quite close as kids too. After a certain point, however, we drifted apart as he was always trying to annoy Zoe and I or play pranks on us when we were trying to hang out. He'd always have a cheeky comment to everything I said which led to many years of arguing. But before that, we got really close. I don't even think Zoe realised how close her brother and I used to be.

The thing was, I used to sleep over at the Sugg house a lot when my parents were going through a divorce and because I had nightmares I would sometimes leave Zoe asleep and sit in their living room for some fresh air. One night, I ran into Joe who was sneaking a midnight snack and we got to talking. And after that, every time I slept over, Joe would come down around midnight and we would stay up. He told me what was going on with him and I told him everything I couldn’t tell others. He gave shite advice, I smile thinking about it, but he was a great listener. We stopped after my parents divorced and I lived with my dad. And once I got my first boyfriend at 15. Joe and I argued a lot, he was always making fun of me for the things Zoe and I did, for the kinds of boys I dated. But I can barely believe we shared so much with one other at one point.

I remember the other big moment with Joe from when we were kids. Our senior dance Zoe and I both had dates. Mine was my boyfriend I was dating since Christmas but the night before the dance he broke up with me over IM and I was devastated. Joe, upon hearing what happened, wore his nicest shirt and took a rare shower and showed up in Zoe's room while she tried to coat my lashes in waterproof mascara. He said he could go with me and honestly, it was one of the best nights I had all year.

"Hey," Josh's sleepy voice wakes me from my trip down memory lane. He kisses me on my bare shoulder and brushes his thumb against my waist, sending butterflies to my stomach. "You're up."

"Yeah," I sigh. I turn to face him and we examine each other for a few moments before he speaks.

"I shouldn't feel guilty, I mean we've done this before we knew we-that we had Joe in common. You know it's not that what we have is bad. You're beautiful and amazing but I just feel guilty?"

I exhale a laugh, "I know exactly what you mean."

"I thought so, that look on your face earlier was pretty easy to read."

I stroke his face and he returns a sad smile. "I really do like you, I wish things didn't turn out like they did all this while ago."

"Me too," he sighs. "I actually really like you too. But I think we can be great friends don't you?"

"I do," I smile. "Friends with a rich history."

Josh opens his mouth wide while he laughs and it's contagious. "You have a thing for Joe don't you?" He asks once we quiet down.

"What?" I begin to build up a defence but I realise I'm laying mostly naked with his best friend and basically it's not like he was going to tell Joe about this particular moment. "Maybe, I'm not quite sure yet."

"You do!" Josh pokes me. "You're denying it to yourself. And Joe talks about you too often and now that I know you like him too-quite frankly I don't know why nothing's happened between you two."

"Ugh," I bury my face in the duvet. "I don't want it to be weird! He's always been Zoe's younger brother and I used to see him like that too! I'm just not sure-"

I'm cut off when my phone begins ringing. I lean over to check and see Joe's grade school picture staring up at me. Oh gods.

"That's Joe," I say panicked. "What do I do?"

"Is he here?" Josh scrambles to get up while remaining covered and I hold the phone in my hand like it's about to go off at any second. "Maybe he's just calling about last night? Pick it up."

I do as Josh says. "Hello?"

"Y/N jeez I've been buzzing up to your flat for ages are you just waking up?"

"Joe-uh-yeah I'm just waking." I look at Josh wide eyed and he deflates into the bed. We were going to be found out!

"Can I come up at least!"

"What are you doing here?" I manage to ask.

"I told you last night we would do something today to make up for it. Y/N you remember right? It's 1pm!"

"Right," I vaguely remember. I grab my robe and slip it on, walking out to the hall to buzz Joe in. "I'll see you in a bit."

"Shit Y/N!" Josh says when I come back into the room. "What do we do?"

"Okay," I run my fingers through my hair, I was really in deep. "You stay here in bed, don't show up. I'll sit Joe in the front and get ready in the bathroom. We'll leave and I'll text you when you're clear to go? He'll never have to know."

"Okay yeah," Josh agrees. "Just make sure to hide my things from the front."

Right, I place Josh's shoes in the closet and throw his jacket into the room with him just in time to hear Joe knocking.

"Oh, you really did get up." Joe comments when I open the door. I blush, in trying to clean up any evidence of Josh in the living room I forgot to look at myself in the mirror. When I catch my reflection, I burn with embarassment. My hair was a mess and I had remnants of top eyeliner on my cheekbones.

"You want anything?" I ask Joe as I grab a makeup wipe and take off last night's makeup.

"I'm good, late night?" Joe sits on the couch and watches me remove my makeup.

"Kind of. What did you wanna do today?"

"Thought we could grab lunch. Just hang out, I want to redeem my behaviour from yesterday so I'm even willing to go to one of those museums you loved to visit on school trips."

I laugh, I can't believe Joe remembered. "I haven't been to one in years Joe! I'd love that!"

"Yeah? Perfect! I just have to let Josh know I can't film with him and Mikey today then."

"Wait what?" I panic. Josh? Did he know or was I being paranoid.

"I was supposed to film with them today but I'll ask him to do it tomorrow. It's not a big deal."

"Oh, right!" I act casual but my heart is racing. "I'll just...get ready quick."

Just as I think we're in the clear, a phone goes off in the kitchen. But not my phone. The ring tone is distinct and it belongs to Josh's phone. I watch Joe's face go from confused to a realisation and then to a dark shade of angry. I stand frozen as Joe finally meets my eye.

"You went home with Josh," he says plainly.

"Well," I say but I have a hard time even explaining myself. Joe looks so upset and disappointed with me and it's like we're 10 and I've just told him the girl he has a crush in finds him weird.

"Hey," Josh shows up behind me. "Y/N your spare futon sucks. Oh hey Joe, didn't hear you come in." Josh puts on a whole one-man act as he goes searching for his phone. "Have you seen my phone I thought I heard the ring tone."

"In the kitchen," I manage to say. Joe looks between us with suspicion so I try to cover up. "Josh and I had a nice chat last night, catching up since we lost each other's numbers. I let him crash since it got so late."

Joe nods but I can tell he doesn't believe me. "Why haven't I got to sleep on your spare futon?" He asks and my heart sinks. He was testing the story, cheeky little Sugg.

"Trust me bro, you don't want to." Josh calls out. "You can try laying in it, you'll split your back."

I want to tape Josh's mouth shut. Why was he carrying on the story! "Maybe I will," Joe says as he gets up and walks past me to the guest room. I don't have time to find Josh and slap him across the face so I run after Joe. But when I get to the guest room, the guest bed is disheveled and a button up lays crumpled on the floor as does Josh's jacket. Wow, Youtubers really knew how to out on a prank and this one just saved our asses.

"This is solid like a rock," Joe says from the bed. He's relaxed again and I can tell he's bought the story but I want to cry from all the anxiety it caused me.

"It's not like I ever have people sleeping over." I joke.

"You should change that," Joe says and he gives me that look again. Like the one from last night where he means more than he's saying.

"Okay!" I clap my hands. "I'm getting ready-half an hour max!"

Joe groans, but he heads back to where Josh is. I apply my makeup with shaky hands.

Josh ends up joining us for lunch. When we get a moment alone while Joe finds his car, I yell at him for being so callous and then praise him for his quick thinking. And somehow, Josh and I are not awkward at all as we all hang together. We laugh and talk about things like we'd been friends all alone.

Josh leaves as we head to the museum and Joe decides he wants to see the popular paintings first. I take a few pictures of him and he forces me to take some too, making me promise I would update my Instagram.

We find ourselves walking along the river while the sun begins to set and it colours the sky in magnificent colours.

"Are sunsets as romantic as sunrises?" Joe asks.

"What?" I look at him, confused.

"From Zoe's place, the sunrise you said was romantic. Are sunsets just as romantic?"

"Oh," I laugh. "Sunsets are definitely more romantic in my opinion."

"Yeah?" Joe asks as he holds out his hand to me. I take it gently and he pulls me towards the railings where a bench lays. We sit on the bench, my hand in Joe's which rests in his lap. The sky begin to darken as the sun sinks lower but the sky remains a kaleidoscope of oranges and pinks.

"You're actually right," Joe finally says. "This is gorgeous and romantic."

"Yeah," I laugh. I glance at my hand still in his lap and my heart can't help but skip a beat. "Joe?" I get his attention. "How do you manage to do this?"

"Do what?" He lets go of my hand to face me. "What you mean?"

"I dunno," I say flustered. "You're generally-you rarely take anything seriously...but then you sit here with me and I experience such a serene moment with you watching this sunset. I don't think any boyfriend's ever made me feel this way. But you're just Joseph, y'know? But you're also...you're not. You've grown up and I barely noticed." I finish, my voice a whisper.

"I hope that's a good thing." Joe states.

"Yeah..." I pull out his contact information from my phone and try to counteract the tense moment I'd created. "But you're also this kid." I show him his half-lidded grade school photo I have for his contact.

"Y/N!" He tries to grab my phone but I snatch it away. "That's not funny I've already asked you to take it down!"

"Never," I cackle but when Joe threatens to use a horrible picture of me I pretend to agree. But there was no way I was actually doing it.

"So wait are you saying I'm mature?" Joe goes on.

"Okay I never said that," I tease. "But matured, yeah."

"Hm," he says and leans back with a thoughtful expression.

"Do you want to go back to mine?" I ask. What was I doing! My feelings were in a mess enough spending the whole day with him and now I was inviting him back? But a part of me just wanted to say 'f it' and kiss him already. I wanted this weird tension to be over, to confirm if he felt for me what I felt for him. And whether what I felt for him was legit.

"Do I get to sleepover on the rock solid bed?" He questions while we make our way back.

"My bed's pretty comfortable," I flirt. He stops in the middle of walking and stares at me, shocked.

"I can't believe you just said that."

"What? We've had sleepovers before," I say innocently.

"Right," Joe runs his hands through his locks and goes along with it. But I take note of the way he reacted just as I wanted him to.

#joes sugg imagines #joe sugg imagine #joe sugg #thatcherjoe imagines #thatcherjoe imagine #thatcherjoe #josh pieters imagine #josh pieters #youtube #youtube imagines #fic #kidbrother

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metaphorina · 4 years ago

Text

Still a well-spent weekend

My shift last Sunday wasn't so bad and my headache didn't bother me either. I like how I only had to come in for one night. It takes me a long time to recover from one shift. I went to sleep around 10am on Saturday and then woke up around 2pm and then 4pm. I was dreaming about pork skewers so that's what we had for dinner. We watched a movie and then I didn't stay up late like my usual because I was still tired and sleepy from the night before.

Sunday was a little better because I woke up feeling more rested. We had a light brunch, went shopping, did a bit of home organizing and then I cooked dinner for us. I fell asleep after dinner and then woke up to do a little bit more cleaning up.

This weekend isn't enough for all the things I wanna do at home. I want to clear out my closet of all the clothes I don't use anymore but I'm still lazy to do it. It's been bothering me every time I see it.

Earlier today while I was assembling this under sink organizer we bought, I got very annoyed at it because the legs were hard to snap on. I hurt my toe while doing it so I got more annoyed and I started cursing and smashing the thing to the floor. I've been getting more of that recently. I remember being like that a lot before I did a 10-day Vipassana meditation course. Those tendencies disappeared since then but they're slowly coming back this year. And they're more frequent now. When I was at work Friday night I was cursing under my breath because my patient kept taking his oxygen cannula off and desats very badly because of that. I know it's not his fault but I still couldn't help getting annoyed. He pulled out his IV and I was just too annoyed I had my jaws clenched very tightly and I was complaining under my breath. I don't think he heard me and he was confused anyway but I miss not being bothered by these things before. There was a time when little things like that didn't make me react negatively.

My aunt (dad's cousin) died last Saturday. She was the eldest among their cousins. I did hear she was sick but didn't pay much attention because I don't know her very well. My dad told me to donate money so I did. It's sad to think that there's been two deaths in the family this year.

My grandfather's death last April feels like it was a long time ago. I miss him very much and I wish he was still alive. I checked on him every single day and that one day that I didn't check on him because I was too tired from night shift was his last day alive. It hurts me just thinking about it. Was he waiting for me and got upset that I didn't visit him? Did he feel abandoned? These questions get me teary-eyed. My partner, Eman knows about these thoughts. He told me it's nobody's fault. It was already his time. Recently he asked me if I was still having guilty feelings about my grandfather's death. I told him I'm not yet sure. I don't know if it's feelings of guilt that I have or regret. Should I have pushed for a quicker response from the doctor? Should I have been more active about his care? I feel like I didn't give enough time to check on him and I was always rushing to go to work. These thoughts came back because I quit my hospital job. If I had quit the job back in April I could've had more time for him. It's very sad thinking about it this way.

My father told me that our business funds are depleting. I've been sending him a lot of money for a "bank window dressing". I stopped when we reached our goal. He said he will return the money. Then now he's telling me that half of all the money was used for this and that, and that we need more because expected profit from other businesses will come in February. He said that monthly expenses are about $2000. It's so annoying because I thought that I was already done with sending money every month. He's talking about $2000 like it's not that much. This upsets me very much because I work hard to earn and save as much as I can so that I could get a house but for 6 months I sacrificed more than half of my income just to be able to contribute to this "bank window dressing" thing. It's my fault too for agreeing to do so. My sister said the problem with me is I feel guilty all the time. It is true but I can't stand having money for myself when I know that my dad needs my help with his business and projects. I don't want him to feel frustrated about his business. I just want him to be happy while he's still active and able to work. Meanwhile, my mom is always shy to ask for shopping money. She's been a housewife her whole life so she doesn't have her "own" money and I want her to be able to go shopping without financial limitations. I wish money wasn't such a complicated thing when it comes to my dad. I am always willing to give financial help but not that much.

I have night shift again tomorrow. Hopefully I get cancelled (I requested for self-cancel if patient census is low) so that I can do more cleaning and organizing at home.

I really thought it was a good weekend but after reading what I just wrote, there were actually some other things happening on the side. I'm still glad I had some energy to do things so it's not a wasted weekend afterall.

Monday, October 26, 2020, 1:56 AM

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muffin--stuffin · 6 years ago

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Traveling

I'm sorry if this doesnt make a whole lot of sense but i'm just going to brain dump.

You know, all my life i felt like i was watching time pass, always waiting for something better. It was always: next month ill do this, next year ill do that, when i graduate ill be able to do this ... and so on. I kept realizing that i kept waiting for things to get better rather than taking those strides myself, i always felt i was subjected to a clock or a calendar or an agenda that someone else made for me. These past few years, and it certainly wasn’t instant, i’ve been making huge steps to take control of my life. I've been going out with me, taking myself to restaurants, movies, events, initiating making plans with friends. And through all that i really learned more about myself, who am i, what i like, and how i want to be treated. And when i learned more about myself i stopped letting myself be treated in shitty ways.

Only when I cut off people who were treating me poorly did i learn that what they were doing wasn't love like they said, but their own faults and shortcomings that they need to deal with. I became so much happier when i took control of how i was being treated. And honestly the more control i take of my life, the more happier i get. People who didn’t deserve my love, kindness, or patience lost out and i put that energy into people who love me well in return.

One of the biggest steps i’ve been taking is travelling more. Meeting and learning about new people who grew up differently from you really helps you grow as a person. And all around the world you’ll meet good and bad people.

I’ve traveled twice now by myself, and both times at the end i’ve felt sad. However, as i sit here on a plane reflecting on both trips i can honestly say that they were two very different kinds of sadness.

Without going into too much detail both trips were incredible in the sense of gaining new experiences and having fun, you know i love travelling. But the first trip ended with a sadness of realization that i wasnt happy with how my life was, the people i was with, the relationships we had were hollowness being held together on by a thread, it didnt have a sturdy base, i was homesick, tired, and most unfortunately, i felt lonely around people who said they loved me, and that was a big realization for me. I changed a lot of my life up again.

The bad experiences i had i don't regret tho, i learned a lot from it. And im learning during my good experiences too, so next:

Vegas.

Man lets talk about vegas, what a way to spend a weekend. B was there and the opprtunity presented itself to go, so i bought a ticket thursday and flew out after working overnight into friday. Man was i so sleep deprived that day lmao. I think i woke up at 2 pm after working wed night, bought a ticket, packed my bags, and went to work thursday. Went home friday morning and dealt with delays, couldnt sleep on the plane and arrived in vegas at like 9pm (12 am east) punk ass time difference >:(. But after getting off that plane a second wind got me, we went out late at night, went to a club, made connections with fun people, went to bed at like 4 am. That night club was jewel, we got in for free and finagled some drinks. Never, ever drink AMF, regardless of what some girl is tryna tell u when ur already sloppy drunk, its worst than long island. Ive never been so drunk before hahah so honestly i dont really remember that night. But i think we had the best pizza ever at a place called eataly.

Saturday!! First full day in Vegas, and boy did i luck out, not on slots tho (i lost so much money gambling) and its probably because i used all my luck finding PG. Not til later tho. Saturday i walked all around sober, found some amazing sushi for the lads and just felt free. It was incredible, the views, the freedom, the exploration. That’s one of my favorite parts of travelling, feeling so free and small in such a big world. Later was the meet up, and i was nervous, of course, but like i felt so comfortable immediately. That night was a lot of fun, i think like 6 of us went out but... as i sit here writing this, i kinda realized that i don’t want to write everything out to the public. The memories we all made together are special to us and not for the world to know. They are memories that i'm going to cherish and they belong to us. In both a group setting and especially one on one time i spent with my friends, i was so, so happy. & you know what happens in vegas ..stays in vegas 😆

But one of the main points to this was to talk about my emotions about leaving vegas, so i will touch on that. So as quick as it came, as quick as it left unfortunately..

Leaving vegas - i’m sad but for a happier reason, i dont want to leave quite yet, this feelings getting cut short. Like friday and saturday i was having the time of my life, sunday was amazing, but then i kinda got hit with a wave. I caught myself not being me and it was because im going to miss the people i met, the times we had, and the friends we made. But it was hard, i really had to catch myself being lame for a while, and i felt like i was wasting the lil time we had. How sad is that? And then i felt guilty for being a little different and bummed out.

But you know what, I think there's something tragically beautiful about being sad at the end of a vacation. It means you were having an amazing time and you don't want the memories to end, but it also means you're afraid of the future. I don't want to be scared that life will get worse or im bound to be just some fuck up.

And idk maybe we used eachother as a weekend escape from our lives, but holy shit PG i wish you knew your worth because you're incredible, and i regret not making it clear. I feel like you were a little anxious about showing us the best around vegas but cmon.. i loved your company when we werent doing anything. But why was i sad and fearful? Maybe i'm afraid that all we had was that short time limit, but if all we were was an expiration date, why did it feel you've belonged in a space near me as if you had it our whole lives? Maybe it was fate but I'll also choose not to believe that you were only worth a time limit. I am so tired of this looming shadow that someone else has created over me that people are temporary in my life until i screw things up. I hate how engrained these two have put it into my head that i dont deserve this. I dont want to believe that people who are making me happy in the present arent going to last. You know i'll take control of this part of my life. Yeah im sad im leaving but ive been creating this life for me where im so fortunate to have friends that are just the best. I shouldnt be afraid or sad that something like this wont happen again, because it will. Honestly, maybe i dont deserve them but i know one thing, is that i want to make them happy.

And B man you've had a tough month and you're staying really strong. I hope im doing something okay that helps you through these shitty times you're going through. You're an amazing friend and i wish you would find a happiness in yourself and your friends. I notice you've been trying to stay strong but i hope you're not letting it eat you away, im really happy you've been confiding ur feelings to me because i know it's tough. Stay strong bruther. It just breaks my heart seeing when you’re sad

#rambles

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walking-loather · 6 years ago

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Me: how do i fill this deep yawning emptiness inside me

Me to me: by recklessly spending money!!!!

#ya girl made a purchase and already feels immediate buyers remorse #it wasnt even a lot of money #ive got that raised poor mindset of:#its a luxury so you shouldnt have it #man i havent felt this guilty since i bought lunch for myself the other day #and i have a steady income!#that was one day’s pay (i only work three hours)#but still!!! it was ONE DAYS PAY #urgh well too late now i really wanted the things i got #it was a beautiful dress #and a beautiful skirt #and bullet journal stuff #im allowed to like things it doesnt make me a bad person

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lullabysongs · 8 years ago

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3/19/17 I've been slowly trying to take better care of myself, especially my very fragile mental health that ive struggled with extremely in the last several years. Last year was really bad. It was the worst i had ever been. I was in a constant state of being manic, depressed, or (for what seemed like majority of the year) in a horrible mixed state of both. I stopped caring about myself, and i stopped caring about the people around me. I strained some very important relationships with people i hold dear. It was so bad last year, I tried to kill myself, twice. I was hospitalized, twice. Even when i knew i needed help and i knew needed change, i just felt so worthless and beaten i wouldnt even bother trying. I am extremely blessed with such a strong support group. I lost my car, i lost my job, i was partying too hard every weekend and blowing my money on drugs and alcohol. And the people that love me never gave up or faltered. I was never, ever, put down by any them for anything. Instead, i was taken cared of. I was given rides to and from appointments so i wouldnt be discouraged to go. I was given a safe place to sleep at night when i didnt feel safe by myself. I was given company so i wouldnt feel alone, and an ear to call when things got out of control. On more than just a few occasions, i was given their last penny so i could get any essentials that i needed. I was constantly reminded to do simple tasks to take care of myself, like shower and eat and sleep, because i would forget. I was given soft encouragement to do better, at a pace that i could handle, that never came with a demand to BE better. I was constantly reminded that i was loved no matter what. Somewhere along the course of (very late) last year, i was miraculously given my courage back. I found the courage to try again. I suddenly felt hopeful. I felt the need to give back to everyone who has been so patient and has given so much to me. And the only way i can do that, is to get better and be the best that i can be. I found the courage to be better, for myself, because i owe it to myself to try. Right before 2017, i made a promise to myself that i would try. I told myself to stop focusing on being "cured" and being "happy". I did not need to be better. I just had to do better. I promised myself i would take very small steps that would make me feel proud and accomplished. I told myself not to focus on the things going wrong, because there will ALWAYS be things in life to be dissatisfied about. I promised myself that, even if it didnt seem like it right away or when i still felt defeated, i would attempt to look at every single step as a victory. I am very proud to say that, so far, i have held to these promises and i am doing very well. I havent missed a single doctors appointment, (even though they seem repetative because i have them multiple times a week, and a lot of times they get in the way of work.) I have been extremely dillagent about taking my meds (every single one, every single day), even when it makes me feel really sick and not like myself. I have been on top of making sure my meds are always refilled, instead of letting them run out and waiting until my next appointment to get them refilled. I motivate myself to be my best at work and to do all that i can, every day; even if i dislike my job for various reasons, or when i dont feel my best, my customers still deserve the best. I am slowly beginning to look for a better job that will make me feel more fulfilled, and convincing myself not to stay at a job i dont like just because its 'easy' and secure. I am working on rebuilding my relationship with my family, trying to find a balance between helping them with everything that i can, and allowing myself to realize i can not do everything; i can not control what happens in their lives, and i should not feel guilty for not being able to fix everything for them. I remember to remind myself that just because something unfortunate happens that i cant fix, that does not make me a bad daughter/sister/friend/person, and not being able to fix their troubles does not mean i am worthless. More recently (in the last month), i began to reorganize my finances and began taking charge of my bills. Starting at the beginning of next month, i will have all of my bills caught up, and i have organized my direct deposits in a way so that i will (hopefully) not have to stress over whether or not they'll get paid on time for the months going forward. About two and a half weeks ago, i told myself to be a little more aware of where my money was going, and i saw that a lot of my money was going toward fast food and snacks after work, daily energy drinks, and cigs. Since then i bought a french press and a vape. I wake up an hour earlier than i used to, and i make coffee for my bf and i. I eat a good breakfast in the morning so im not so hungry during and after work, and ive stuck to eating most of my meals at home. I started bringing a water bottle to work now so im not so tempted to spend money on other drinks through out the day. I have just completed my first whole week without a single cigarette (saving up to $30 this week on that expense alone)! I am so extremely proud of myself for every one of these accomplishments. I am proud of myself for setting small goals and sticking to them. As for my next small step: I just started to write shopping lists for myself; things i need immediately (to buy during the week), things i will need soon (within the next couple of weeks), and another list of things that i want, that would make me feel better or make my life easier, but can wait until after all the more immediate stuff is taken cared of. I am a BIG spontaneous spender, especially when emotional, and i want to work on that because constantly running out of money for the important things sucks. I also began writing out all of my long term goals, and am working on creating small steps toward each thing, so i dont lose focus. Over the last few weekends, i have been making sure i complete a set of chores every sunday (mostly just laundry and tidying to the room up) so that i start off the following week feeling productive and renewed. Today is the 3rd consecutive sunday, and i hope to continue this until it becomes a set habit. I have a small goal of stretching for 5 minutes everyday, in hopes that it makes me feel less sluggish and stiff. My original goal was to incorperate this into my morning routine, but i would often miss it, and i would feel guilty for it. So i changed the goal for now, and i am encouraging myself to do this everyday, whenever i have to time. We are only slightly past the halfway point of march. I know this doesnt seem like a long time for most people, but for me, it seems like a miracle. This is the longest and most stable ive felt in years. This is the longest ive felt hopeful, motivated, and confident in myself. A year ago, i thought id be dead by now. And for the first time since the 7th grade, i dont find myself wishing for it. I dont find that ideation in the back of my brain. And I finally feel that im going to be okay.

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frop · 8 years ago

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do all of them you mother fucker

not Once but Twice u have done this to m

Star Platinum – Your thoughts on the stars? i always did like then when i was younger but now they just make me think of jojo so now i especially like them

Magician’s Red – Do you know any magic tricks? no but im gonna say what u said and i can bend my fingers waay way farther than most people

Hermit Purple – Show a photo of yourself! I HAVENT taken a selfie in forever i’ll do one later

Silver Chariot (Requiem) – How much sleep do you need on average? i would love a good 10+ but i only get that much on saturday now boo but on average its like 6-7

The Fool – Tell us a joke! Is your refrigerator running? Because i’m gonna suck your dick

The World - A place you want to visit? canada like you would not believe

Crazy Diamond – What do you treasure the most? hmmmmmmm my friendships with my friends

The Hand – Do you like your hands? nnnot particularly bc i spent a good portion of my life and still do sometimes where i bit my nails til they bleed so they dont look as nice as i’d like them to be when they grow out

Echoes – Your favourite sound? The world’s time stop sound, but not jotaro’s version, dio’s specifically

Heaven’s Door – Share a secret! my parents’ divorce has made me scared for the future of my own relationships to the point where i can see myself not ever wanting to be in a relationship ever again bc it would be easier than my partner getting tired of me or hating me. on top of the fact that i’m almost exactly like my father and my mom’s ex fiance in every single emotional department which is what caused their divorce/breakup respectively in the first place and that leads me to believe that in the long run i am Romantically Unlovable

Killer Queen – How would you like to die? preferably quick and painless

Bad Company – What kind of character trades do you dislike? any character that is like ‘waahh wah no one understands me bc i enjoy [’highly advanced’ niche series/book/etc] and they all read [popular series/book/etc] like whatever the fuck his name was in aku no hana, it got so obnoxious i had to drop it lmao

Red Hot Chili Pepper – Can you handle spicy food? cat’s out of the bag guys im actually a Fake Mexican bc i only like mild stuff and hot chips

The Lock – Anything you feel guilty about right now? ya but thats for another day

Love Deluxe – Are you secretly in love with someone right now? its absolutely no secret that i am in love with jonathan joestar

Pearl Jam – Your signature dish? i can make some mean ass rice apparently

Achtung Baby – Do you want kids? nnnope no thanks never ever i have my cat and thats enough for me

Harvest – Do you pick up coins in from the street? no bc u dont know where thats been and money is super dirty already

Cinderella – Which part of your body do you like the most? dang, i guess my thighs? but lately i’ve been a lot easier on myself abt my stomach and how soft it is

Atom Heart Father – How is your relationship with your father? pretty good bc we’re really alike in temperament too but sometimes it gets pretty awkward bc he can never see me as anything but his little baby daughter who Never Grows Up

Enigma – What is puzzling you currently? when is davidpro gonna drop the part 5 teaser

Earth Wind and Fire – What’s the best classical element? i personally have always liked fire

Stray Cat – Cats or dogs? i love both but man im more suited for cats

Gold Experience – A precious experience you have not shared with your followers? oh man over this summer my dad his gf and me and my sis when on a trip to her dad’s place in this really small town that was like 3 hours away from our city and it was so nice and quiet and peaceful and i felt so clean and happy there, we were only there for a couple days but ever since i’ve really been wanting to go back

Sticky Fingers – Zippers or buttons? zippers are so much faster but they get caught sometimes so Really, pros and cons of each

Moody Blues – A song that makes you sad? OOO man i was gonna say epitaph bc Of Course but as i was writing this down melancholy man by moody blues came up on this playlist and now im thinkin abt abba and crying

Sex Pistols – Have you ever shot a gun or riffle? no im tiny and a weenie and i would probably die from the recoil

Aerosmith – Are you afraid of flights? ive never been on one but i am scared of heights so i cant imagine thats any better

Purple Haze – What makes you really angry? it used to be not being listened to but now i just let it happen bc Why bother but now its more whenever my mom makes a big deal out of simple mistakes of waiters/waitresses or when shes being obviously racist

Spice Girl – Your favourite spice? idk what its called but theres this one i like to put on fruit before i eat it to make it Spicy

King Crimson – Is it possible to predict the future? man idk my mom says yea but who knows

Black Sabbath – How easily do you trust people? like stupidly easy

Man in the Mirror – Do you like looking into the mirror? nope lol im ugl. ALSO bc i have a bigger than average fear of reflective stuff in general bc what if i see somethign behind me u kno,,,,

Beach Boy – Have you ever been fishing? nope! the one time my dad went that i knew abt i was in mexico

The Grateful Dead – What do you want to be remembered for? honestly, anything else that being the ‘way too nice one’ or the doormat

White Album – Your favourite CD? aaaaa i dont have one i dont really listen to albums

Talking Head – Are you a good liar? i guess ? i can keep a pretty straight face but its harder to lie to someone i actually know really well bc they can probably tell what my tics are

Baby Face – Your thought on babies? theyre cute but i would greatly prefer to never have any

Metallica – Do you like listening to metal? yea

Green Day – Ideal way to spend a day off? sleep, Sleep, stream with friends and lay in bed

Oasis – Best place for a holiday? hhhhh anyplace that relaxes u tbh

Stone Free – Are you a indoor or outdoor person? i n d o o r i dont like bugs

Kiss – Who would you like to kiss or get a kiss from? jonathan joest

Burning Down the House – Ever destroyed something and then regretted it? nah, once again im a weenie and im too worried abt consequences to ever do smth like that

Foo Fighters – Your favourite drink? god damn i fucking love raspberry iced tea

Diverdown – Your thoughts on diving? the ocean fills me with the fear of god. no thanks

C-Moon – What would you do for your friend’s sake? put myself in bodly harm

MadeinHeaven – What do you believe happens after you died? nothing tbh you just end up in a grave or urn or wherever u wanted to be put

Weather Report – Your favourite weather? man i looove love stormy weather

Whitesnake – Your thoughts on snakes/reptiles? i love them theyre all gorgeous and beautiful

Tusk – Tea or coffee? coffee

Ball Breaker – Your favourite ball game? to play? its basket ball but to watch baseball

Oh! Lonesome Me – Do you feel lonely right now? no not right now but im sure it’ll happen soon

Scary Monsters – Your favourite dinosaur? i love velociraptors and also triceratops !!

Cream Starter – Do you usually wear make up? nope and if i do its only ever lipstick

Catch the Rainbow – Your favourite colour in the rainbow? blue and green!!

Ticket to Ride – What was the last ticket you bought for? i didnt buy it but the last one i had was for the rogue one like. 2 weeks ago

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – Do you believe in the multiverse? i dont think abt it too often but sure

In a Silent Way – Do you enjoy complete silence? yes!! besides some music, i cant concentrate otherwise

Soft & Wet – Shower or bath? shower bc its easier but i havent taken a bath in forever

Paisley Park – How good are you with reading maps/directions? Terrible God Awful

Nut King Call – How good are you at assembling/constructing things like Ikea furniture? hmm it depends if i have the manual for it and if i have time to really think on it and im not in a rush or anything

Paper Moon King – Can you do any origami? nope

King Nothing – Your favourite smell? i really like the smell of cinnamon

BornThisWay – A strange habit you have? i crack my fingers all the damn time and i like to take off the little plastic circle off of soda bottles and chew on it

Les Feulies – Your favourite plant? oh damn hmm i like lavenders

Fun Fun Fun – Something you really enjoy doing? man. i could watch jojo a million times over and i’d never get bored of it

California King Bed – What size is your bed? currently i sleep in a queen size bc my mom and sis and i share a bed bc we only had one room in our old apartment but now that we moved im sure i’ll be kicked off into a twin soon enough

JESUS christ ok its almost midnight i hope ur happy you mother fuckre

#asks #i didnt think it would take this long oh my fodgtrgwrgf #filmgold

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npcmimic · 8 years ago

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gonna go to bed but

i think i’ve been depressed for a while. i mean, i could always kind of tell, but i never really wanted to admit it?

today i knew it was true. i completely blew someone off who i actually wanted to hang out with because i didnt feel like keeping up the energy it would have taken to not seem excited.

i slept for 10 hours, and woke up at 1pm

i spent money i shouldn’t have because i wanted to, and it didnt make me feel that much better

ive been wanting to play a game i bought weeks ago that i still havent touched, even though every day off i have i tell myself i’m going to start it up

i think i’ve been depressed for a long time

i dont want to go to a doctor, because there are times when i do feel happy, but there are more times when i feel way way down

i just feel empty and i have this... tingling, i guess? this numbness? at the back of my head nearly all the time.

i’m not happy with my job, im not happy with where i live, i hate the fucking desert so goddamn much. i hate not having the freedom to go where i want when i want, i hate living with my mom who is FUCKING SHIT with her money. every goddamn bill is always late, so we constantly owe nearly 2x the amount of the original bill and we constantly get threats of bills being cancelled.

meanwhile she floats from job to job because they’re “hard” and “frustrating”. YOU DIDNT WORK AT ALL FOR NEARLY 8 YEARS, YOU DON’T GET TO COMPLAIN. I WANT TO QUIT MY JOB SO FUCKING BADLY BUT I CANT.

if i quit my job, my store would collapse, and i cant quit my job, because i’m the only one keeping us alive right now.

i hate having all this debt and responsibility piled onto me, and then having people complain and bitch at me that i’m not doing enough

i can’t become my own person until i get out from underneath my mom, but i cant do that because she doesn’t earn enough to support herself at all, so again, i’m stuck in a position i hate and can’t do anything about it

i havent actually seen my friends in almost a year. i havent had a vacation in nearly 3 years, and i havent done anything that i’ve actually wanted to do that meant anything major in at least 4 years

i’m so fucking tired of living. i hate it

i hate being tethered to someone who contsantly makes the wrong decisions, then ignores them until they get worse, and then yells at me for smaller things that don’t mean anything in the long run

i thought i was in a good place. i really did. i hadn’t thought about killing myself for years. i haven’t thought about self harm since middle school. but here we are! i’m back on my bullshit! i want to just walk out into the desert and fucking die where no one will find me. i want to walk into the middle of traffic and have a car hit me. i know the perfect place, i have to cross it on the way to work, every fucking day. and you know what? i think about it every. fucking. day.

when i was in elementary school i used to drag my arms along the walls of the building because they were made of really coarse bricks, and i ended up with huge scrapes and scratches on my arms. I used to bash my head against the walls when i was mad while at the day care i went to.

i still want to bash my fucking skull in when i’m like this.

a few weeks ago i was so mad i broke a lot of things in my room.

a pair of headphones that were dying, a printer that hasnt worked in ages, i got rid of a bunch of trash that my mom had collected, and broke the hot glue gun, and a plant of hers. i tried to break the glass on the printer with a hammer, but that didnt work.

so i started hitting my arms with the hammer instead.

if it wasnt for the fucking guilt in the pit of my stomach, i think i would have killed myself already. fucking guilt. its the one thing that still holds me back. fuck my dad;’s side of the family. they did that to me.

i cant even talk about this shit half the time because i feel fucking guilty for even feeling this way.

i see my friends post about feeling down all the time, meanwhile i literally am thinking of how many ways are open to me to kill myself and how angry i am at my situation, and i’m like, soot, i really dont want to steal their spotlight, it’s their turn to be sad. taylor’s depressive episode and suicidal tendancies can wait for another day or so. so i bottle them up! like always!! and then they build and build and build, until i explode internally and think about how it would logistically work to off myself.

if i owned a gun, it would be the hardest thing for me to not kill myself with it sometimes.

i wouldn’t be able to cut myself, or hang myself. too much time for someone to find you, too much time waiting.

i want to die a lot

and i hate when people fucking patronize me by telling me it’ll get better soon. i know that, and it does. for a while, btu it always gets worse again. and its always worse than it was before. nothing in my life ever actually gets better. it always just goes back to the status quo

i dont know how to end this, i dont really care. no one actually gives a shit about me anyway.

i have a headache

#shut up taylor #i'm going to bed #you dont get a readmore for this one. this is jsut going to be ignored anyway #if you read this i dont care what you do #i probably wont even care what you have to say anyway

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skiasurveys · 8 years ago

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if you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be? well he aint a celeb but an youtuber since i dont like celebrities..so maybe markiplier? if you had to have sex with one of your best friends who would it be? all of em ;) ever fallen in love with a friend? well they all start off as friends did you end up getting together or not? nobody specif i mean my current bf and i were friends for little while before we officalized it but it wasnt like we were just friends. ive never dated anyone where we were friends for a while then started to date.

if yes, how did you end up together? if no, why not? ^

have you ever been the other woman? No. we all have that one song that gets us pumped, what’s yours? i hate these questions cus i forget every song i know have you ever been to prom? did you have a good time? well we dont have prom in canada, well where i live but we did have a grad dance but i didnt go. But how my grad worked was we all got to dress up in nice dresses/tuxs for the dinner. so thats what i did. don’t you just hate it when someone is a boring texter? yES. usually i try to make a conversation.if they dont add i just stop texting. ever let someone use you knowing they were using you? Yep how many people have you slept with (sexually not actually sleeping)? one. how many of them were you actually in love with? one ever taken someone’s virginity? No. would you ever want to be with a virgin? if no, why not? no actually lol favorite song lyrics? i have lots but im too tired to think of em. do you constantly find yourself internet stalking your ex? no but sometimes i check their fb but like once in a blue moon. i dont care. if yes, how many times a day on average do you find yourself doing this? like i said, once in a blue moon. usually if im thinkin about them or something but last tme i checked was months ago cus i saw he got a new gf and i wanted to see what she looked like. and no not to be a dick either. so like, what’s your zodiac sign? Sagittarius

what’s your favorite item of clothing you have & why? eh, nothing really. im bored of my clothes atm im in a desperate need to shop.. do you have anything to hide? my emotions are you friends with any of your exes? eh. not really. my one ex who always talked to me stopped texting me, thak fucking god it was so annoying.

given the chance would you take any of your exes back? No. do you have an addiction? to what? my phone do you like being taken or single more & why? taken. its just who i am i guess. i just like knowing i have someone there who i can be myself with and have a romantic relationship with.

being loud & obnoxious is fun huh? nope. do you feel like you’re sorta split personality? half & half? not really. I am just myself with people im comfortable with and then i have my professional self with work.etc lol do you act like your own gender or more like the opposite sex? wtf.. do you have more friends of the same sex or opposite? its kind of half and half.

blunts, bowls or bongs? eh. i smoked weed like 5 times soo.. favorite sexual position? idk. the one where he puts his dick in me

3 traits your dream partner would have? funny, loyal, empathetic do you really care what people think of you? Yes when you have a fight with your partner what do you do? usually get worried that they might leave me cus im an insecure piece of shit, but we havent had a really bad fight, theres just been times where he is a dick. holiday closest to your birthday? christmas. scenario time.. you have a wedgie in public, you… fill in the blank. go to the wash room and fix who does the grocery shopping in your house? mom

are your parents still together? if no, do you wish they were? they would be if my dad didn’t die. have any siblings you know of but don’t actually know personally? no

greatest fear? losing someone i love again and suffocation something most people fear that you do not fear at all? spiders don’t you hate getting nice & comfy & then having to pee? yea what do you think of porn & the people who watch it? i mean whatever, watch whatever but i just hate people who think that alot of the things they do in porn is normal. (like rape play, hardcore bdsm..etc) when your friends mention you in fb statuses & tweets do you get happy? yeah how much does it really take to get you mad? not that much. would you date someone that your parents & friends didn’t approve of? depends do you have any regrets? Yes. are you always the one to apologize even if it’s not your fault? Yes ever lost friends because of a certain guy or girl? nope. ever used a legit sex toy before? nah never bought one before. ever questioned your sexuality? not really ever thought you were pregnant? one time i didnt get my period at all and it was 3 weeks late and i took 3 test and i wasnt pregnant but i was still freaking out and then i lightly spotted for a week..and then i didnt get my period til he next month, that was scary. ever faked being pregnant? who does this favorite song at the moment? nothing ever had a major surgery performed on you? one do you actually like school lunches? the ones in high school were actuallly good. do you think you’re a boring person? no but i can be do you think you’re more or less a good person? i think im a good person which of the 7 deadly sins are you guilty of? envy ever made a survey & then taken it yourself? yeah i did once haha do you think it’s possible to dislike all music? some people just dont like music i guess. i think theyre crazy. what’s one thing you think everyone has in common? we all have to breathe oxygen. do you believe that there’s actually good in EVERYONE? well we all start good but it all depends during the age development.. what’s one thing that bothers you that probably wouldn’t bother most people? need to have tv on a even number of sound level do you believe in forever? no how many relationships have you been in? 4 including the one i am in do you ever want to get married? why or why not? I do. Because i want to lol do you believe in divorce? well i mean some people just cant stay married.

is there a song you can’t listen to without thinking of someone? Yeah. do you think a lot of the surveys on here are too alike? sometimes they all ask the same question how are you feeling right now? decent do you like being called babe, baby, hunnie, etc? I do like baby/babe but only from my boyfriend have you ever thought etc was actually ect? no do you have any sort of ongoing health problem? i dont think so

ever lost someone close to you? Yes my dad died ever been hit by a motor vehicle? actually yeah. when i was 8 i was hit by a car on my way to school lol can you play a musical instrument? I cant do you wish you did? I wish i wouldve joined band tbh

are you able to speak fluently in more than one language? No. ever self harmed in any way? Yes. do you prefer longer or shorter surveys? Medium to long. what is one word you just cannot pronounce? specific if you could look like any celebrity who would you look like? Hmmmmmmm ever wish you were of the opposite sex? No. don’t you just love fun people? i guess. i just hate people who ALWAYS wanna do shit especially when youre tired and they almost force you to go out. is there that one person who you just CAN NOT seem to get over? no one currently so what’s your dream job? animator someone you can’t see yourself being able to live without? My boyfriend best & most favorite video game (pc or console) ever? hmmm. depends. I really love Kingdom Hearts 2, or even Elder scrolls online but My fav game ever is The Last of Us would you ever tattoo someone’s name on you? maybe my dads name but not really when people sing happy birthday to you do you feel awkward or happy? It’s so awkward. favorite thing about being in a relationship? having someone be there for you..and cuddles and oh sex favorite thing about being single? the freedom i guess? not having to worry about someone else, or worry about getting texts back lol ad also you can kind of go out and not worry if youre flirting idk. I hate when im talking to another guy and im afraid im leading them on, especially when im not. ever been hurt by someone you thought would never hurt you? Yes. don’t you hate it when people in relationships act single? it annoys me. Like whats the point of hiding shit? so is your hair dyed? Yep. but fading back sex is really good isn’t it? It sure is ever had a friends with benefits? no do you like trains :)? uhmmm do you think you have a pretty good singing voice? Nope. how about dancing, are you a good dancer? I am white. is intelligence a turn on for you? It’s good. i hate stupid guys lol do you like to feel powerful & in charge? No capricorns are the best aren’t they? I don’t believe in astrology. <--- same are you afraid to stand out? just a little.

#survey

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becomingstrong1289 · 8 years ago

Text

5/17/17

Ive been sad lately. I’ve been sad for a long time. Years i think. Maybe decades at this point. Life is so hard. This bipolar thing is really starting to make sense. Its like I’m so depressed and then i get an energy about me and i want to do everything all at once and then i get too overwhelmed and irritated and go right back down to depressed. Is it normal to feel like this. It surely is affecting my life. My job is on its last leg, my relationship with Shawn is all over the place, i lose it with the kids and dont have enough energy to be what they need. But this is who ive always been. In highschool i was a depressed mess. Growing up the way i did really didn’t give me a good baseline. is that possible to not have a healthy baseline.

Work: My plan has been for awhile, go to coding and find a job in that. Annie said it started at $17/hr. Eventually figure out how to go home to work. Once Owen is in school go back for nursing at Saint Anthony’s for my bachelors. It seems so easy. Cardiology is just a cluster fuck with a lot a lot of attitude. I hope this new girl comes in and makes it back to the way it was. I was thinking about attempting to take over putting on holters. Maybe that will get the nurses off my back. Its just unfair to me that i spend so much time on something that isnt necessary and then on a whim get asked to do something for someone else when no one is willing to help me. They only room pts if it is absolutely necessary. I guess nursing is all in the computer now. They cant even look away for a moment. i know there are better ways to deal with things. Today i wanted to figure out how i was going to take a lunch break. That meant asking Tana for help. But she had a meeting at noon and wouldnt be back until 3. So i thought i was fucked. She said i could go at 11, i was so negative and pessimistic i didnt see any other option. I feel like ive been sick for 3 weeks and its bringing me down. I got strep, the antibiotics affected me very negatively, and then i thought i was pregnant for like 2 weeks. One test even came out slightlly positive. Then i finally get my period and it is awful. The pain today was almost enough to make me go home. My body is throwing me for a loop. Im scared to take this stupid medicine for my thyroid, i feel sick, i have a fever constantly, my head is crazy, i have depression and anxiety, this divorce is killing me, i dont want it, i never did but its just happening anyway. i got the paper work. josh is starting to become a stranger to me. its just the weirdest feeling i hate being a single mom of two kids. im so tired and stretched thin. i put all my effort into things like cooking healthy and making sure they bath and brush their teeth twice a day correctly and doing natalies hair nicely and keeping my house clean for us. i see other people who dont do these things. Jodie said i should be more proud of myself for what i do. its hard to be proud and exhausted. is it worth the effort. are there things my energy could be put forth. is health and hygiene and cleanliness so important. Im so down, its getting harder and harder to see the joy in things. im so scare of getting on antidepressants. i dont want to be a zombie. i dont want the sexual dysfunction that comes along with that. I guess i just need to get through work and do everything i can. if someone asks me to do something, just do it. if i get behind on charts, just work until i get it done. if i have to not take a lunch break to get it done, then thats how it will be. a new coworker and a new boss might help the situation. who knows. im scared of the future i have there. i know i had it cushy with jeanette. i dont see it being like that with Laura. Bosses named laura are always “fun”.... just work hard. get yourself out of this rut. stop talking about outside life too. just focus on work. stop with your phone. i deleted fb off my phone. i need a break from that. dont let them see me on my phone. be perfect so theres nothing they can say. fake it til you make it i guess.

Kids: Owen is thriving i think. Hes a good little boy, eats well, understands and communicated well, funny and loving. Natalie is a ball of anxiety. i want so much to get into her head. my goal was to always have an open relationship with my kids that they would be able to tell me anything. that is definitely not the way it is. She doesn’t tell me anything. Its all a secret and then i get made because its a secret. Today she had an accident and tried to hide it from me. she trashed my bathroom. Im not sure why my 6 year old is having accidents. thats scary in its own right. i am perpetually scare my kids could get molested or something without me ever knowing about it. anyway, i got mad when i went into the bathroom and saw what she had done. there was shit everywhere. just everywhere. Later when things were calmed and she did her punishment i asked her why she has been getting in trouble at school. she opened up when i asked if she needed more attention. she actually got emotional about it. she doesn’t think her teacher spends enough time with her, she doesn’t get enough play time, and the recess people are mean to her. She genuinely teared up over it. i asked her what she needed from me. she wants me to play more games with her. i bought a deck of cards a few days ago, i was going to teach her how to play some games. its so hard to fit all of it into a night. i get home at 530. i have to make dinner by 630. its been nice so weve been spending a little time outside. soon ill have my garden i would like to stop there a few times a week before we go home. anyway. 645 is bath time. They stay in there for about 30 mins 715. then its time to relax. I guess this is a good time to read books. Im so freaking tired by this point. but 715 to 730 would be good for books. and 730 to 8 would be good for games with natalie. sometimes they have been going to bed later. for 730-45 for books and 745=815 for games. by 83o everyone is in bed. i guess ill see how that goes tomorrow. i want the one on one time with natalie and owen. i enjoy it so much. i love friday afternoons with owen. its amazing to have him all to myself. and then when me and natalie are alone its really nice too. we need more of it. i dont know how to be someone she can come to honestly and authorative. i want a relationship that she knows the rules but stays open about if she broke them and takes responsibility for it. I have no idea what any of that looks like in real life. Maybe that kind of thing only exists in movies and adulthood. im her mom, not her friend, i know that but i need her to feel comfortable talking to me and she isnt. The mental health group class i went to talked about “has anyone taught you how to deal with being sad”. No one taught me. it was looked down upon if i was sad or emotional. it annoyed my mom and she made me go away. i remember when my aunt died. i was fine until i saw her daughter and realized she didnt have a mom anymore and i wanted to cry but i had to excuse myself because i was taught inadvertently that is how you deal with sad. i didnt even feel comfortable crying at a funeral. thats sad. and even now, my sadness is isolation, crying alone and hiding everything. and how guilty i feel, just this weekend natalie got sad that we were going to pull out her tooth with plyers, we said it as a joke, and she started crying. i asked her why she was crying but she just clammed up. i was so frustrated i sent her to her room. im my mind i thought it would be a way for her to cool off but now i think if i would have just given her a hug and reassured her we were just kidding she may have opened up to me. im going to put more effort into her. 45 mins per night will be directly spent with them and only them. Im not going to take it away if they were bad. we need time together whether they misbehaved or not. i need to research better discipline methods. besides beating children i was never taught how to properly discipline a kid. time out was good before but natalie is too old for that now. i know things like cleaning and going to bed shouldnt be a punishment because then cleaning and going to bed normally will always be a punishment. i take away her snack but that makes me scared she’ll see food as a reward also. just how the fuck do i discipline a kid that doesn’t affect the rest of her life. one guy i knew made his kid run when she was bad. well i bet exercise will be a punishment when she gets old and shell die of heart disease from being sedentary her whole life. im going to bed. i hope getting some of this out of my head makes for a better tomorrow.

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