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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 6 years ago

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Erica Heftmann breaks free from the control of the FFWPU / UC

Dark Side of the Moonies by Erica Heftmann (Penguin Books 1982)

Erica Heftmann was born in Washington, DC, in 1952. She believed she was born again in 1974 to Korean parents — the Lord of the Second Advent, Reverend Moon, and his wife, Hak Ja Han. She was deprogrammed from the Moon cult and became interested in the issue and power of mind control. In the 1980s, because of her research and expertise in that field, she was in demand as an adviser to mental health professionals, clergy, legislators, educators, legal and medical practitioners, law enforcement agencies, mind control victims and their families throughout the world.

Contents

Part I – Heavenly Deception

Part II – Free Will But No Choice

Part III – Return to Reality

Part IV – From the Outside Looking In

1 The Technology of Mind Control 2 Deprogramming Therapy 3 Judiciary, Legislature and the ‘Cryptocracy’ 4 Critical Judgement

Notes

Dark Side of the Moonies is the disturbing account of one person who gave up her own mind, her whole life to a man she thought was the messiah.

Since her liberation from the Moonies, she has come to understand the power that was used to control her. In revealing the hidden life of one cult, Erica Heftmann exposes the startling force cults are exerting in society – and the grip they have on many people.

I was a Moonie. When I regained my mind and could look back at the horror of it, I realized that my freedom was conditional. I was haunted by the need to understand how and why I had been transformed into what I hated most. Now I would be an ex-Moonie. My innocence would never return. … I had to live with the ignorance and prejudice of a public that believes I was somehow pre-disposed to becoming a cult member while they are immune. People think cults are something to laugh at, groups of religious half-wits who would never have made it in life anyway and are better off where they are. I was there … to further incredible schemes of political and economic power.

I am setting out my story and my explanations of it. I do this for the sake of others who have suffered agonies so profound as to make my cult experience seem like a holiday. I wish that I could bring voice to the countless others... I write this for people under mind control, especially those I love who are mentioned in these pages. Do not be afraid to use your own minds; you need no greater masters.

In this era we are learning about the plight of the handicapped, the minorities, those who have been denied the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We must learn about all unfortunates because we are responsible for depriving them by our failure to listen, to understand, to allow them the right to help themselves. Those who are able and refuse to help are the true unfortunates. They do not know how precious life is.

Erica Heftmann 1981

page 1

Part I – Heavenly Deception

On the last day of 1974 I nudged my way through the bustle of downtown Los Angeles with a lot on my mind. It wasn’t only taking inventory of the past year. It was the pattern I saw emerging. Breaking away, testing new ground, retreating. Every path led to the same edge and, feeling I couldn’t make it across, I would go back to find another path. I had come to know the edge pretty well.

I was surprised to hear the stories that circulated about me because I considered my life to be too ordinary. My measuring standards were not set by my peers but by the characters that peopled my books and travels.

Adulthood was edging me away from my mother and an older sister I adored. My father and brother had removed themselves from the family during my late childhood but what was left was stable. Mom was always patient, comforting, totally involved in her two girls.

I had a short romance with formal education. After two terms at university I declared myself graduated, having learned everything I felt the institution had to teach me: how to find a book in the library and how to sit down to coffee with an interesting professor.

With full sails and no rudder, I went to Europe taking every precaution not to be a hippie, annoyed that of all the times I could have been born on this planet I had to co-exist with a counter-culture that popularized doing one’s own thing. I picked my way carefully to avoid the throngs of stereotyped individuals who faced me at every turn. …

My mother was not easy to rebel against because I felt she was usually right. How could I break away and establish my own identity if there was no risk involved? She was always there to fall back on, to soften the blows. … Maybe you’ve been on your own for a few years but the world has just been your playground.

Wait a minute. Don’t be that hard on yourself. Someone puts you on a speck of cosmic dust whirling through space without asking your permission and then just as rudely and abruptly and inevitably takes you away. While you’re here you’re given a set of problems and a set of rules for solving them. Like someone leaving a kid to amuse himself with square pegs and round holes. ’Bye kid, see you in eighty or ninety years. No, Erica, I don’t blame you one bit for stepping back to take a look at it all. People are manipulating and killing each other and for what? Do they even enjoy the spoils of their exploits? Why waste your life trying to set things up for them to destroy when you have enough sense to realize that there’s something else in this existence to do?

Lonely, confused and worried about fulfilling my potential, I had escaped the forced gaiety of the office New Year’s party. Everyone making crass jokes about resolutions and getting drunk to forget them.

On the last working day of the year, all the desk calendars in the office buildings were collected and released into the wind from the roofs. They fluttered down like ticker tape. Now as I walked the last couple of blocks to the bus stop, I stared at them cluttering the pavement. Some pages had little notes jotted on them. OCTOBER 15/meet Dave for lunch. Or 2:00/REGIONAL MEETING. Giving in to a wave of melancholy, I couldn’t help but see the metaphor days lying in the gutter, accumulated so quickly and then forgotten.

A big commuter bus moved away from the kerb and blasted a clump of pages into an open drain with its exhaust. So it’s come to this, has it, I tried joking with myself.

I looked up about the same moment that I felt someone gazing at me. A pair of blue eyes much like my own. A young woman just a few paces away was watching me. She was wholesome looking, rather tall, and had a short, dark-haired young man with her.

In my memory, it is etched that I was the one to start the conversation but I know that this is not the way it happened. There was just something so familiar and so welcoming in her eyes that I felt myself reaching out to make the first move.

All I needed for an introduction was to know that they were foreigners. How well I remembered the feeling of being a newcomer to a city and how comforting it was when strangers had stopped and talked with me.

The girl’s name was Ingrid and she was from Switzerland. The one she towered over was Antonio, a Peruvian. I asked how such an unlikely combination had met They explained that they were touring with an organization called International One World Crusade. This was their last stop in America and within a week they would push on to Japan.

Ingrid had spent all of her time in Los Angeles cooped up in the kitchen cooking for the others. On her first opportunity to get out and see the sights, she was delighted to meet someone. They chatted on. Out of the corner of my eye I was searching for a coffee shop we could dive into. I made the suggestion. It was one of those magical meetings that happens when one travels and I could tell the feelings were shared all around. My bus didn’t stop running for a few hours.

‘We’d love to,’ Ingrid said, ‘But we are just on our way back for an evening meeting. Would you like to walk with us? You could see our headquarters office and meet some of the others.’

Something flickered in me, making me want to bolt, no matter how friendly they were. Something about not being on neutral turf. I noticed it at the same time I realized that I was already walking with them in their direction. …

page 187

Part III Return to Reality

Up late this morning. At 6.00 I should already be in the lodge with Paul to correct reflection books. Paul is the best assistant I’ve ever had and this is by far the most successful workshop since the old days with Alex. Yesterday Mr Kadachi gave the VOC lecture so that we could have some time to catch up on our reports but we scrambled up onto the roof of the lodge to talk instead.

I think it is important to develop a good subject-object Foundation for the Abel position we hold collectively. …

Paul is still having Chapter Two problems about his old girlfriend. I am glad he is confiding in me. I remember all the times Kathy and I kept him away from Lisa and occupied when the centres used to come up for weekend workshop. I thought Lisa’s transfer to MFT would solve a lot. They were both trying hard to overcome and by all external appearances they had but now I’m finding out that Paul is entertaining hopes of being blessed with her. It isn’t good to think about the Blessing, especially trying to second-guess Father. Paul keeps insisting that Spirit World prepared them for the Family because they had been sweethearts since high school. . He is suffering so much and so much wants to please Heavenly Father.

We must be a good combination because we’ve been having such fantastic results with our workshops. We work as a unit. Father was right that if you serve someone well enough, you make him dependent on you. He opens up to you and gradually the power shifts its balance point. If you are a good object, it is much more important than being a mediocre subject. …

I have finally learned how to handle sleep. Imagine how much time is wasted in the Fallen World. Midnight is just the beginning of the evening for me. Paul covered for me for fifteen minutes yesterday during discussion and made me sleep. On the way down the hill with the class, he whistled for me when they passed the dorm and I was out the back way and down to the lodge before them. I had only had forty-five minutes of sleep the night before and during the past weeks it has been usually two hours, sometimes three. That fifteen minutes was like a whole night I got up completely refreshed. I think I’ve finally broken through.

I must apologize to Mr Kadachi. I was so upset with him because he slept during the day and pulled staff meetings as late as 3.30 in the morning — never before 2.00. The meetings were late only because he was reading or playing with his lizards. When he had us as a captive audience he would put off staff matters and expound on some recent theory about the Restoration. I contradicted one of his theories and still feel horrible about it but it did bring the meeting to a quick close. No one else would dare stand up to Kadachi-san. …

The day sailed by with its own effortless momentum. In the afternoon I was called into the kitchen for a phone call. Mr Kadachi was pacing. I picked up the receiver.

‘Erica? I was afraid I wouldn’t get through to you. They gave me the usual runaround.’

‘Well, Mom, sometimes I’m busy and can’t get to the phone.’

‘Too busy to take a call from me?’

I rolled my eyes up. How would she like it if I interrupted her at work?

‘I’m here in San Bernardino and I hope you won’t give me some story about being too busy to see me today. We have a date, you know.’

Did we? It seemed that I was always trying to get out of some engagement and I kept postponing these visits with promises. Guess she finally caught up with me. Kadachi was at my side poking around in his lizardarium. I placed my hand over the receiver.

‘She says she’s in San Bernardino and wants to see me today.’

‘You have a workshop to look after. Tell her to make it another time.’

I uncovered the receiver. ‘I have a workshop to look after. Could we make it another time?’

‘Erica, I’ve driven all this way.’ She sounded a bit frantic. ‘Are you going to make me turn around and go back? I’m leaving for New York tomorrow, remember, and I want to see you before I go.’

‘She’s insisting. She says she’s driven all this way and wants to know if I’m going to make her turn around and go back. She’s leaving for New York tomorrow.’

Kadachi gave me a look that revealed nothing and turned back to his lizards. How could I be so weak as to have to bother him and get him to tell me what to do?

‘Look, Ma, I’m going to have to go now. My class is starting.’

Click

I was hardly out the door when the phone rang again. It took three calls before I was reluctantly given permission to go. I wasn’t pressuring either side, they just fought it out with me as the transmitter of information. The condition was that I be back for evening discussion. I wouldn’t have missed that for the world anyway.

By the time she and my step-father Chuck arrived, I was bathed and had styled my hair with a blow-dryer I found in the sisters’ cabin. I also found a ‘good’ set of clothes I’d never seen before. They fit and I looked very nice when I sized myself up in the mirror.

I ran down the steps of the lodge to meet them. The guard at the gate had already informed me of their arrival. After quick hellos I found myself in an argument. I wanted them to come inside and meet my friends. They replied flatly that they were not interested in coming in, only in seeing me.

‘You say you’re interested in what I’m doing. How are you ever going to find out if you don’t see for yourselves? You just keep reading those negative articles.’

They could hardly conceal their discomfort and my mother couldn’t pass the opportunity for some hostile remarks so I decided that it was better to leave right away. Then, at least, I could return earlier. Paul was thrilled about taking over for a while and I was looking forward to the meal so it wasn’t a bad arrangement after all. I told them to wait a moment on the landing. I searched for Kadachi to say goodbye. His wife told me he had locked himself in his room at his cabin. I would probably return before he emerged from his meditation.

I slid in the front seat between my parents and chattered the whole way down the mountain. I told them about Roy’s close scrape with his parents. They had tried to kidnap him but he escaped. He was sorry for hurting his father in the tussle on the ground but not sorry enough to speak with them. I usually handled Roy’s calls. They simply would not understand that he had been transferred. They thought we were hiding him. No one at camp even knew where he had been transferred to.

‘Imagine parents trying to do something like that to their own child!’ I gasped.

Chuck dropped us off at a small restaurant in town while he went to see about getting something fixed on the car. I ordered a large meal and wolfed it down. Mom didn’t touch what she had ordered. She said that she was coming down with flu and had lost her appetite. If my stomach had been able to stretch, I would’ve eaten her meal as well. We didn’t talk much. These days we had little in common. I couldn’t see the point in pretending to be interested in the Fallen World and she refused to take an interest in the Restoration. She kept glancing at her watch, obviously worried about Chuck taking so long.

When he arrived, he said he wasn’t hungry either and they wanted to beat the traffic back to town. They still had to pack for their trip. He hastily paid the bill and we went out to the car. The lot was dark and the car was at the rear of the building. I instinctively sized up the lot for fundraising. Hard habit to get over. Good thing I was going back to camp instead of out blitzing.

I was grabbed from behind and thrown forward. It happened so quickly that I was in the back seat between Chuck and a strange man before I caught my breath. My mind jammed. My mother was in the driver’s seat revving the engine and another person sat in the front seat on the passenger’s side. We took off as the doors were being pulled closed.

It was several moments before I could speak. My mind snapped into the witnessing mode. I politely extended my hand to the man on my right to introduce myself.

‘How do you do? My name is Erica.’

He reached under the seat and brought out a bouquet of flowers. Presenting them, he said, ‘Very well, thanks. My name is Dana. Here, these are for you.’

Dana! I couldn’t believe it. Dana Stevens? It must have been ten years since I’d seen him — he’d been living in Paris for that long. He was a dear friend of the family, someone I had been infatuated with as a child. Mom had told me that he had come back a few weeks before to get married.

I could not recognize him in the dark but there was no mistaking his style. I looked at the person in the front seat. A woman. She must be his new wife.

‘Mrs Stevens, do you mind if I embrace your husband?’ I threw my arms around Dana’s neck. It was totally unprincipled but my mind was jilted and I was too happy to see him to care about Principle for that moment.

My mother had the wheel gripped firmly. ‘I’m sorry, Erica. You didn’t show up at Dana’s wedding so we’re going to have another reception party now just for you.’ I believed her even though I still felt a panic. I had no time to be part of a practical joke. They would worry back at camp, especially Kadachi. I pleaded for her to stop and let me phone them at least. My mother could always out-insist me, especially when I became hysterical. I thought of leaping from the car, disregarding the danger, but I was flanked by two strong men. Roy had told everyone to carry matches with them so they could set fire to the place if anyone ever took them by force. A lot of good that would have done me. I was no longer in the mood for conversation and numbly rode the rest of the way in silence. My mind was blank as if I had been unplugged.

We pulled off the freeway somewhere in Long Beach and, after circling around some residential streets, pulled up at a modest house with several cars parked in the driveway. They surrounded me on the few steps into the house and then, with some other people, formed a corridor so that I had no choice but to go past them to the rear of the house. I didn’t know how many people were in the house or who they were. It didn’t look like a party.

I entered a small bedroom at the end of the hall. The room was tiny, carpeted and bare except for a blanket and a pillow. There was a piece of plywood covering the one small window. Through my mind flashed the story of The Collector. It was clear to me that I was going to be held prisoner for someone’s pleasure but I had no idea for what purpose.

The sight of the blanket and pillow made my heart stop. I knew this was the end of the line. When I looked up I saw half a dozen strangers standing around me. The door was shut. It was explained to me that I would have to speak with these people. Disbelief clogged my mind. They wanted to talk to me about the Movement. How could they talk to me about something they knew nothing about? I understood then that I would stay in that room until I converted them all or died — there would be no way to escape unless I could befriend one of them and gain sympathy to be set free. I wondered how that tiny room would look after the first year. I would know every crack on the ceiling, every sound from the outside. I looked for Dana. Surely he would help.

‘Can I see Dana please?’

‘I’ll see if I can find him for you. In the meantime, why don’t you make yourself comfortable?’ It was a woman who spoke. She was thirty-ish, dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. She looked nervous, which gave me confidence. She left the room and two or three of the others trailed out with her.

Dana appeared at the door. His shirt was unbuttoned and he had a beer in his hand. He looked at me with mild surprise as if he couldn’t fathom why I might want to speak with him.

‘Dana, what do you think you’re going to prove with this? I’m going to be missed at camp by people who care about me. What sort of a kangaroo court do you intend to hold? You’re holding me prisoner. You can’t do that.’

Spectacularly unimpressed with my plea to his sense of justice, he suppressed a belch and scratched his chest. ‘I’m not the one who made the decision, you know. Your mother wants you here. It can’t hurt to listen.’

‘Listen? Under these conditions? Why didn’t you just arrange to have these people, whoever they are, come and meet me in a coffee shop somewhere? I would discuss anything with anyone at any time. That’s my job.’

‘Well, your anywhere and anytime and anyone seems to be here and now with these folks, doesn’t it?’

The years had changed him. I remembered the late-night talks, how, he had made my head spin with his unconventional ideas. He was the one who first infected me with the idea of breaking free. Now he had sold out like the rest of them, even getting a beer belly. There would be no point in talking to my mother. I knew how she was once she made up her mind about something. I asked to see Chuck. I knew he would not be able to conceal anything. His face always gave him away. He had always listened to my ideas with endless patience and took my troubles to heart. He supported and nurtured my individualism with pride, even the things that must have been hard to swallow. Surely he would understand me now. Yet when he came in and sat in the same place that Dana had been sitting, I wondered if I was going to come up against the same stone wall. Maybe they had some kind of routine worked out. We were no longer on the same team. God had divided us.

He didn’t give me the chance to wonder long. He took me in his arms. ‘We had to do this, honey.’ His voice broke and he cried, unable to speak for a while. ‘It’s a horrible thing to have to see you here like this. We want you to be free. I know that’s a hard thing to understand, that we’ve locked you up to free your mind. We wouldn’t be doing this if we didn’t love you. All we want you to do is to listen to these people. They’re good people, honey, don’t be afraid. You know your mom would never let anyone hurt you. That’s why she wants you away from that group. We miss our girl — the one who’s so free, the one who was never afraid to stand up for what she believed.’

Now it was my turn to force back the tears so I could speak.

‘Will you stay with me?’ I was terrified of the thought of them leaving the next day for New York.

‘Of course we’ll stay with you.’ It was my mother. She must have been listening at the door. I didn’t hear her come in.

‘You aren’t going to New York?’

‘No, that was just a story to get you to come with us. We were so afraid that you would cancel again and now that we brought Sara out here —’

‘Sara? Is she that lady? The one in the shorts.’

My mother held a handkerchief for me to blow my nose as she had done when I was a child. ‘Now the other side, blow hard, you can do better than that.’ I laughed through the tears until Sara walked in with some others and my panic returned.

I decided to size up my captors. Mom and Chuck left the room. The others sat around me in a semi-circle. Danny had been in the Children of God. He said he’d been deprogrammed by Sara.

Doug had been in the Family. As soon as I learned this I tried to see the brother in him. Sometimes he revealed it but he had been in the Fallen World too long. The brother in him was only a flicker. Perhaps he would be the one I would befriend if I could convince him of Principle. He could help me escape back to Father. Would that make him my spiritual son? He did not want to talk about his spiritual parents or his missions. He said they were not important. What else could there be to talk about if we were going to talk about the Family?

Jill had been in the Family too, but not long enough to know very much.

I didn’t know quite what to make of Sara. She seemed to try to blend into the background and quite succeeded — all but those eyes of hers. Every time she caught my glance she pinned me to the spot.

Something was rattling around loose in my mind trying to find where it belonged. Maybe my whole mind was rattling around loose. I felt fatalistic — the controls were jammed on automatic pilot I felt almost... well, sportive, gay... having the burden of the destiny of mankind lifted from me temporarily. The ball was for once in somebody else’s court. A funny thought lifted the corners of my mouth. Old girl, you only get kidnapped once in life, that is, unless you’re terribly unlucky. You may as well have a good time. After all, you’ve got a captive audience.

I made myself comfortable. ‘It looks like we’ll be here for a while,’ I remarked breezily. ‘If you want to do your job properly, you’ll need some background information on me. I guess I’d better tell you about myself.’

Danny stretched out and groaned, then unclasped his hands from behind his neck and drew himself up on one elbow. ‘The only thing we need to know about you is already obvious. You’re brainwashed.’

‘You watch too many movies. Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood? Where did you get this brainwashing stuff?’

‘Well, Queen-for-a-Day, what happened to your humility, love, understanding for mankind and all of that? If you were a real disciple of Christ, you’d be praying for me and setting a good example. I guess your dignity and integrity only work when you’re plugged into your little messiah.’

Doug shot him a look to keep quiet. Interesting. They were not united so I was bound to triumph. First rule of Principle. Unity forms the Foundation. I had the knowledge of Principle on my side, they had nothing, not even unity. Evidently Doug remembered something of it in trying to keep Danny in line.

Danny rolled onto his back and addressed the ceiling. ‘All right, go ahead and give us your testimony. I probably know it word-for-word already. I’ve heard enough of them and they’re all the same. Don’t tell me, let me guess — you went to India, came back and read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, had an abortion, became a militant feminist —’

Doug cut in, ‘Don’t mind him. Sure, I want to hear your story. It’s hard to be a Moonie. You wouldn’t be where you are unless you were a good person but don’t tell me that you joined because you realized it was the truth. None of us joined because we understood what they were teaching us.’

I began my story. To my surprise, it didn’t come out like I had planned it. It wasn’t my usual testimony. I told them about my life before, about the things I had loved and believed, things I had forgotten until then. I must have talked for two hours. Sara was pacing outside. Jill left for a while and when she came back in she asked me if I wanted anything to eat.

‘No thanks,’ I answered. ‘I had dinner with my mother.’ My mind drifted back to the camp for a moment. It seemed universes away. I wondered where I was. Whose house was this?

‘Is this Sara’s house?’

‘No,’ Jill answered. ‘It belongs to a woman named Alice.’

‘Can I see her?’

A woman was brought to the door. She hesitated before coming in. She was a friendly looking, middle-aged lady, the kind I’d seen by the hundreds on the lots, motherly, middle-class. I thanked her for letting us use her house. It seemed to me that it must have been a great inconvenience to have so many people in her home for such a long time. I indicated the boarded window. I was sorry for my being the cause of her house being turned upside-down. Tears formed in her eyes.

‘Honey, your parents love you very much. Everyone here is very concerned for you. We all want the best for you. Everything will turn out all right.’ She hesitated and phrased her question shyly. Jill says that you don’t want anything to eat. Can I bring you something else? Something to drink? How about a glass of warm milk?’

Warm milk, yech. I always hated it and gagged on it but I didn’t want to refuse her hospitality. For her sake I gratefully accepted. I was glad I did when I saw the look on her face. She couldn’t have been more happy if I’d given her a million dollars.

While she was fetching the milk, the conversation turned away from me and the kids talked among themselves. I couldn’t hate them. I wished that I could have joined in the conversation but it was as if they were speaking another language, things I hadn’t any knowledge of. Danny was sprawled out comfortably. Jill was teasing him and heaved the pillow at him. He propped himself up with it and turned to me.

‘So, this Moon is the messiah, eh?’

The devil himself couldn’t have been more satanic. What a way to talk about Father! It slashed my heart to hear him referred to as ‘Moon’. I would have to educate this guy if we were going to be able to talk at all. He would have to learn to call him Reverend Moon.

‘History will show if he is the messiah or not Reverend Moon has —’

‘I know, he has the potential of becoming the messiah but now he is in the John the Baptist position. I’ve heard it all before. Why don’t you just come out and say it. It will save us a good twenty-four hours. Don’t give me all the PR lines. I know you believe he’s the messiah.’

‘Well, I have to define what messiah means.’

‘Yeah, he has to be born in Korea between certain years — where’d you get all this information anyway? I could tell you that the messiah has to be 5’5”, have blue eyes and be born in Los Angeles in 1952. How’s that grab ya?’

‘God has revealed certain things to me.’

‘What’d He do, call you on the phone?’

‘Don’t you believe in God?’

‘Don’t try to get off the subject by attacking me. Yes, I believe in God but my God doesn’t go around talking to me. Just answer a simple question: did God call you on the phone?’

‘Don’t be absurd.’

‘Does that mean no?’

‘No, God did not call me on the phone. There, are you satisfied?’

‘Did He send you a telegram?’

Doug broke in. ‘What he means is how does God communicate with you. You said that God revealed certain things to you. How did you receive them?’

How did I receive them? I just knew. ‘I just knew.’

‘Maybe you just knew wrong?’

‘Divine Principle clearly outlines the qualifications for the messiah.’

‘Great, who wrote the Divine Principle?’

‘It was revealed by God.’

Doug looked at Danny. ‘You getting dizzy yet? I told you the Moonies have everything tied up and you can go round and round for ages without getting anywhere.’

Danny sat up and looked at me. ‘It’s no different than my group. We believed our leader was the end-time prophet Why? Because his doctrine said so. I thought God revealed it to me too.’

‘Well, you were misled. Divine Principle talks about that. You were in a cult’

‘And you are in one.’

Alice came in with the milk and my mother trailed in after her.

‘Are you getting sleepy? I brought you some things to sleep in.’ She produced a nightgown and slippers. My eyes popped out of my head. A nightgown no one had worn before. It was so beautiful, so elegant, and slippers. I couldn’t wait to put them on.

‘Where can I change?’ Surely I wasn’t expected to change in front of the men. I had heard that men in deprogrammings humiliated and raped sisters.

Danny and Doug stood to leave.

‘Good-night, Brothers.’

Doug said good-night but Danny couldn’t resist getting in one last little dig. ‘In case you didn’t know, we are not biologically related. Brothers is also not a common slang term — it’s a Moonie word. The sooner you stop talking like a Moonie, the sooner you’ll stop thinking like one. Do me a favour, hey? Every time you use a Moonie word and I stop you, try substituting an English word.’

‘Okay, good-night, Clint Eastwood. How’s that?’

He tossed the pillow at me.

Sara and I were alone. She was cautious but wanted to know how I felt, what I needed, what my fears and anticipations were. There was nothing about her or any of the others that would cause me to distrust them. I could see that they were sweet and honest people, just misled and being used by satanic forces. Mostly, my mind was on sleep. The opportunity to sleep away from masses of people, in clean bedding, in a quiet house, in my own nightdress, close to my parents — it was too much of a luxury to put off.

Sara asked if I would mind if she and Jill slept in the room with me. I laughed. Would I mind having only two sisters in the room with me? I was under the covers in a flash and the light was turned out. They left the door ajar. They were going to sit in the kitchen for a while and come to sleep later. Mom came in to say good-night. I made her promise me one last time that she would not leave for New York that she would be there when I awoke in the morning. I don’t remember if she left before I fell asleep.

With the window boarded over and no sunlight, I had no idea what time it was. By habit, I was completely awake. From totally off to totally on in a millisecond. I tried to fall asleep again but it was useless. I’d have to get up sometime and face the music. This was Sunday. I had probably missed Pledge. I couldn’t muster my thoughts to say a proper Pledge but I started in on a short prayer. Security and anxiety were marbled in my heart As long as we talked about Principle, I would be safe. They were not united and they did not have God’s truth. There was no way they could harm me. It would just be a matter of time. Sara came in.

‘Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you. I just came in to find my brush.’

‘It’s okay, I just woke up before you came in. What time is it anyway?’

‘Ten o’clock. Bet you’ve never had such a good sleep in the cult.’

Cult! That word hurled frustration, fear and anger at me. I stood up quickly and began to fold my bedding.

‘You want to take a shower?’

‘Yes, thank you. If I may.’

Sara showed me across the hall. What a luxurious bathroom. I felt like a princess. A fresh set of towels were set out for me and everything was spotless. A new toothbrush and a new tube of toothpaste, a hairbrush, even some cosmetics. I turned the shower on full blast. Sara yelled through the door.

‘There’s plenty of hot water. Let’s forget about the cold shower conditions, okay?’

‘Okay!’ How did she know about conditions? She obviously didn’t know very much. I couldn’t set a condition without clearing it with a central figure anyway. I stepped into the shower. Ah, I would have a hard time stepping out again. I watched the steam escape through a small window. I remembered in The Collector that the woman had thrown a note out the window in hopes that someone would pass by and read it. Maybe I could do that. But what good would it do? I was in the Fallen World now. Even if I could squeeze out the window and run away, to the police maybe, they’d just bring me back here. In Satan’s world who would help a Family member? I would have to work it another way. I didn’t have enough mental power to consider the future anyway. It was all I could do to concentrate on the present I was being bombarded with new-old sensations, the things in the bathroom, the cleanliness, the newness, the freshness, the comfort and security. I was reluctant to turn off the shower. My mother came in and talked to me through the shower door. She wanted to know if I needed shampoo or anything else. If nothing else, it was overwhelming to be with her in circumstances that seemed so normal. It was like being on holiday. Maybe I could postpone the inevitable confrontation. I felt a surge of energy and wanted to crow with pleasure. Sleeping until ten o’clock!

Mom brought me some clothes to change into, a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. It felt deliciously wonderful and forbidden to wear them. I asked permission to keep the slippers on. She gave me a queer look

The bedding was put away and the room was bare again but for one blanket and a pillow. As I dried my hair with a towel, Danny asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I wasn’t in the mood for eating. We decided on coffee.

He brought it in and went out again for his Bible. Doug carried in a small case of papers. They wanted to talk about fundraising. Fair enough. Doug had been on MFT. I couldn’t understand why he asked me questions he already knew the answers to — questions about the Economic Restoration. It was as boring as giving lecture to answer him.

They couldn’t do anything to dislodge the truth. After all, they had nothing better to offer. Nothing better than beer, cigarettes, divorce — the Fallen World. I remembered how Larry had told me that even if God did not exist and if Father wasn’t the messiah, the gathering of dedicated people giving endlessly of themselves was bound to be the best thing yet.

‘Why do you lie on the streets when you beg money from people?’ Sara entered into our discussion.

‘I don’t lie. I never did. Lie about what?’

‘Lie about where the money was going.’

‘Everyone knew I was from the Unification Church. We even wore —’

‘— badges issued by President Salonen,’ Doug. ‘But most people didn’t understand that you were a Moonie. If they ask you outright if you are raising money for Reverend Moon, you deny it, don’t you?’

‘Never! I’m proud of Father. Why would I conceal the truth?’

‘You lied to Tom Evans.’ Now my mother. Okay, I made a sales pitch in the gallery of someone who worked with my mother and by the time I realized who he was I couldn’t retract what I had said.

‘Okay, so I lied once.’

‘Once!’ Everyone cried out in unison.

I was not hurt for myself. I was trying to shield Father from their attack. Nothing they could say or do to me would worry me, but they must not blaspheme.

Sara said, You don’t even know when you’re lying and when you’re not. You weren’t like that before. Somebody taught you a little trick called Heavenly Deception.’ Danny chimed in, Yeah, we did the same thing in the Children of God but we called it Spoiling Egypt.’

Sara continued ‘And in Scientology they call it Fair Game and in the Divine Light Mission they call it something else and I call it a con game. How could you tell people the truth about where the money was going when you don’t even know yourself? What about your little 40-day condition that was extended? Where did that money go?’

How did she know about that? I told her what I had found out. The money went to buy some land.

‘That land was already paid for, honey. The money you raised went straight into Moon’s pocket for some little private business deals. Wake up, Erica, you’ve been had.’

I turned to Doug. ‘You know the importance of fundraising. It is to pay indemnity. We have to restore tribal, national and other levels.’

Doug turned to his case of papers and fished out a page from Master Speaks. He read to me from it that Father said all of that indemnity was paid already. I demanded to see the page. Master Speaks. The first thing that hit me seeing it was the format of the page. The familiarity of it energized me. He snatched it back.

‘Don’t space out on me. I know you are visually programmed. The sight of the thing reinforces your programming. Just read these lines.’

I read them. How did I know the paper wasn’t a forgery. ‘Mother, how could you want me to believe people as low as these. Look at Sara. Look at the way she’s dressed, the way she speaks.’ Sara stiffened.

‘Please don’t smoke in front of me either,’ I demanded. How satanic to fill the room with smoke. She didn’t say a word, just stubbed out her cigarette and put the ashtray outside the door.

‘I won’t smoke in front of you if it bothers you but I’ll tell you this, you spoiled brat, it’s not the smoke that bothers you. It’s this holier-than-thou little goodie-two-shoes routine of yours. Why don’t you come back down to earth with the rest of us mortals. You can’t even answer simple questions. How thin your perfection is when you’re outside your self-centred cult. You think you’ve become more God-like? Is God so arrogant? You think you’re saving the world with Moon’s money? What do you know about responsibility? Do you tend the sick, the poor, do you ever pay income tax?’

‘I’m a missionary without income. I have nothing to pay tax on.’

‘Maybe, but you have to file every year with the government anyway. When was the last time you filed?’

‘Okay, so I didn’t file last year, big deal.’

The morning dragged on. They kept talking from man’s point-of-view. I kept talking from God’s point-of-view.

We broke for lunch and, while we ate at least, the crew eased up on me. As soon as I put my plate down, Danny looked over at me through narrowed eyes.

‘So, Moon’s still the messiah, huh?’

I had to fight to keep the food from coming back up. There was just no point going on like this. We could discuss until Satan’s restoration and they still wouldn’t make sense.

‘You can say what you want but you’ll never make me lose my love for Father.’

‘Erica, when we point things out, just assess them as they are, at face value. If the Bible says one thing and Doctrine X contradicts it, then that doctrine is wrong if it claims to be harmonious with the Bible. You click off when anything threatens Moon. You have no ego, no mind of your own. You’ve got two possibilities: a) Moon is the messiah, b) Moon is not the messiah. If it helps you, let’s not say Moon, we’ll say Mr X instead. Now, he’s either the messiah or he’s not. He can’t sort of be the messiah, agreed?’

It took us a long time to get on equal footing. Finally he got me to accept, for the sake of argument, the hypothetical.

‘If he is the messiah, we can all pack up and go home. If he’s not the messiah and has claimed to be, then what is he?’

I couldn’t fill in the blank.

‘If he’s not the messiah and he’s claimed to be, then he’s a fraud. Now, how can we determine if he is or not? Glad you asked that question, folks. Let’s make it really easy on him and not even use the acid test. We’ll just let him cut his own throat. He says that God is eternal, absolute and unchanging, further that he is the second Christ. It follows, seeing as God doesn’t change His mind, Moon must jive with what the first Christ said about Christ’s mission.’

This was not so difficult to accept as the initial point. Once he got rolling, I could follow him after a fashion. As soon as he pulled out the Bible to substantiate what he said, to prove that Jesus and Father did not agree, I was hopelessly lost again. Every time he made a point, I would do a quick scan through Purpose/Fall/Restoration.

I was aware of the binary functioning of my brain. Each question entered and was shuffled off down yes/no corridors until it met the proper answer or a dead end. Something like a pinball machine. I worked the flippers like mad but the balls just rolled down the chute. Danny would send the ball shooting out again and I made the same scan through Principle with the same result. Sometimes a phantom answer would appear but it would vanish either before or after the question passed through. I couldn’t hold both a question that didn’t compute and a phantom answer that didn’t compute. One of them faded as I concentrated on the other.

Danny was well versed in the Bible. If only Kadachi or Alex could have been with me. Surely they would know the answers. There had to be Divine Principle reasons why the Bible was wrong, I just didn’t know them. After a while my attention scattered. When we talked about the Family, I felt my mind become agile again but as soon as Danny started up with his Bible, my brain felt like cotton and my eyelids started to droop.

Some people came in the room quietly like they were entering a theatre after the show had started. I felt like I was on the operating table in an arena for medical students. Bright lights and someone saying, ‘Here we see the soul exposed, badly lacerated. The heart is bleeding and the mind is twisted. Some of this will be corrected through surgery but the patient will probably never be healthy again.’

One of the visitors, a middle-aged man with a kind face picked up Danny’s Bible and leafed through it. I braced myself for a raging born-again argument ‘You believe you’re doing God’s will, don’t you?’ Probably next he was going to ask me if I knew God’s will by telephone or telegram. I set my jaw. It’s too long a story to explain — if I told you that I know God when I see Father, you’d never understand.

‘You’d do whatever Moon asked you to, wouldn’t you?’ ‘He would never ask me to do anything that was not the will of God.’

‘What if he asked you to kill your mother?’

‘ — ’

‘Why don’t you answer me?’

‘ — ’

‘Forget about answering that question. Your silence tells me what I really wanted to know: you actually have to sit and think about whether or not you’d kill your mother if a man told you to. A man, Erica, not a god, and you are under his control.’

He snatched up the Bible. The sound of the turning pages was like trees falling in the forest.

‘“If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” The Bible says to help the poor, to help other people. Jesus didn’t tell his followers to give Him their possessions. He told them to distribute them among the needy. Do you believe that is a good thing to do?’

I nodded.

‘Well, then, that makes you better than True Father, doesn’t it? You want to give to the poor and your messiah only wants to take everything for himself.’

I was too weary to begin to explain to him the meaning of the Economic Restoration. When Jesus was on earth, it was the mission of the messiah to serve mankind. For the Second Coming, it became the duty of mankind to serve the messiah.

He wouldn’t let go of that point. That makes you a better person than your Master of the Universe, doesn’t it?

‘You have more compassion than he does. You don’t see anything wrong with him keeping everything for himself?’

I thought back to Father’s visit that had left me so desolated. I remembered that the brothers and sisters from the centres drove through the night to get back to their centres and sleep only an hour or two before having to drive back for Father’s morning address. Meanwhile, Father was sleeping in silk sheets. He could have at least let them sleep in the garage. One driver fell asleep and his van had gotten into an accident.

I began to cry. The man holding the Bible was looking at me waiting for an answer. I couldn’t speak. He put the Bible down and cradled me. So long I had been giving, giving, giving everything I had. He rocked me gently and whispered, ‘Don’t worry, baby, we’re right here. Don’t be afraid. We’re all going to see you through this, doll.’ He didn’t try to hush me, he just let me cry. I tried picturing True Father in my mind but I could not see him comforting me like this. I couldn’t believe that even in the Spirit World he was beside me. All I knew was the here-and-now of things and their realness. Fear gripped me — so this is how Satan would win me — with confusion, with trying to soften the warrior in me.

I heard myself make the man promise he would come back the following day. When he went to the door, I got up and extended my hand, Moonie-style, to shake hands with him. He grabbed me in a bear hug and ruffled my hair, ‘You’re gonna be all right, kid.’

With the others, discussions went on without either side gaining. I retreated under the blanket. Only my head showed, propped on the pillow. Doug and Sara and Jill continued. They would go through a point and ask me to clarify my side of it. I had just not studied enough, not read enough Master Speaks. There were answers to these things but I did not know them. The things they asked me didn’t matter. I believed in Father.

Sara asked me, ‘What I want to know is why you need so much proof to get out of the group. Lord knows you didn’t need any proof to get into it If I ask you if two plus two is five, do you need to look it up? No! You just use the common sense you had as a child. So why, if I show you things that don’t add up by Moon’s system, can’t you see it?’

Danny came over and ripped the blanket off me. ‘It’s the dead of summer, you know. The rest of us are sweating. What are you, a foetus? Sit up and join the human race.’

I grabbed the corner of the blanket and we each tugged our end of it. ‘Well, I see you have enough strength to fight for your baby blanket, don’t you have enough strength to fight for your mind? We’ve been sitting here hour after hour force-feeding you. Where’s your interest? Some disciple you are. Let’s assume that Moon is the messiah and we’re satanic. Don’t you have a lot to learn from us? You should be picking our brains for all we’ve got, go back to your cult and show them the blueprint of the opposition. You’re a lousy Moonie, I’ll say, and you’re not much of a human being. Your brain doesn’t work. We ask a simple question and you either space out or tell us something Moon said. I think we might as well just cover you up with this blanket and stick you six feet under, babe.’

He smiled. ‘But it’d be a shame, ’cause I know you’re in there, somewhere. I know because I’ve been through it. I’m only tough on you because someone’s gotta do it, otherwise we’d sit here playing games. Honest, I’m really a decent guy.’ We both started laughing. ‘We drew straws to see who would play the part of the heavie. Doug and I were arguing about it, weren’t we bro? We both accused the other of getting the part last time. I’ll tell you what, you think he’s sweet? He can be a worse son-of-a-bitch than I.’ That was signal for them to start rough-housing. We all needed a break. I went to the bathroom.

I closed the bathroom door. I’d had chances to be alone for a few moments like this in the Family but it wasn’t the same. I was never alone-alone. I looked at myself in the mirror, something I so rarely did that I knew Father’s face better than I knew my own. I noticed my locket. It had been given to me by Maria and was engraved: ITPN. In True Parents’ Name. Kadachi-san explained to me that it was blasphemy to abbreviate Parents’ name even in that much-used phrase that we signed our letters with. I wore it with some embarrassment but refused to take it off because it was given to me by my spiritual child. Maria got kicked out of the Family. Dr Baum ordered me not to talk to her anymore, even when she called up desperate to be allowed back into the Family. She was so exhausted after Yankee Stadium that she had stayed in bed for three days and Dr Baum turned her out for a problem of attitude. It tore me in two to have to refuse to come to the telephone when she called up pleading.

I unlocked the chain. That same chain had once held the cross given to me by Father Peter. Reverend Kropf made me remove it because the cross was a symbol of Satan’s victory. Inside the locket were pictures of Father and Mother. I looked at them.

I had heard that deprogrammers were likely to deface pictures of Parents and nothing could be worse, but I liked them all — even, perhaps especially, Danny. Deprogrammers could torture brothers and sisters but we had to protect Parents to the death. I removed the pictures and swallowed them to save them from harm. Everything was out of focus in my mind. As we talked in the room, the obvious Principle answers were in my mind. They were my mind. But at some point, I don’t know when, a second answer started to appear, a phantom that would hover and then disappear like the tiny stars you can only see if you look slightly away from them. The two answers would passively cancel one another and only the question would remain until I could no longer remember it. I looked at the locket in my hand. I was of two minds, two hearts. It seemed a millstone around my neck. I left it on the toilet tank.

‘Let’s talk about this messiah of yours,’ Sara. ‘Do you know anything about his past?’

I did. He had seen Jesus when he was sixteen, had been in prison before he began his ministry.

‘Did you know that the university where he claims to have gotten a degree in electrical engineering has no record of him? No record by either name. His real name isn’t Sun Myung Moon, you know. He changed it from a name that means shining dragon — sounds more like the Beast than the messiah. He’s been married before, arrested for indecent acts. He’s a common thug, a businessman, a criminal. He’s a pimp and he’s got kids like you out on the street hustling for him. He even claims to be a Jew, doesn’t he?’

‘Well, a descendant of the House of David. I guess that would make him a Jew.’

‘Funny since he claims that the Orientals are descendants of Japheth and the Jews of Shem. How do you feel about him saying that the six million who died under Hitler died because it was God’s will. This coming from a Jew.’

‘You answer that yourself. You’re the guys who claim to have all the answers.’

‘Sit up,’ Sara urged. ‘Come on, don’t cop out now. You should be defending your faith. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about things. Think! If you’re trying to find the answer in the DP, you won’t find it because the answer is just not there. Two and two will never equal five.’

My mind was elsewhere. I looked at the stack of papers. The reverse of an article we had just read was on the top of the heap. It showed a reproduction of a painting of Jesus on the cross. It was exquisite. It reminded me of the fresco I used to study in the Greek Orthodox cathedral Jesus of infinite tenderness and dignity, Jesus who by His deeds gave meaning to life. Across the stack on another part of the floor was a picture of Reverend Moon. His pudgy, glistening face peered up at me. My eyes went from one to the other, from Jesus to Reverend Moon and back again.

Sara and the others seemed at a standstill. Sara picked up the Bible and leafed through it. She stopped at a page in Genesis and handed the book to me. ‘Read that. Start with Genesis 2:24.’

I read aloud: ‘Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Now the serpent was more subtle than any other —’

‘Stop right there,’ said Sara.

I looked up at her.

‘Don’t you see it? Adam and Eve were husband and wife before the Fall, not brother and sister; husband and wife, one flesh. They did not fall because they had sex before becoming perfect. And further, Lucifer fell before them because it says that Eve was tempted by a serpent, not the Archangel.’

I looked back at the page. My vision sharpened with an almost audible click. My face burned, my blood was pounding through my body. I looked back up at her. Sara was waiting.

What happened next happened clearly, frame by frame, but was all contained in a split second.

What was spectacular was not the question nor the answer but a total sensation that I had to acknowledge and identify. Doubt, I called it. Doubt. Perhaps I could entertain the possibility that what they were saying was true. I felt myself peering over a cliff. The abyss was so without light and without bottom that the shock weakened me. I feared I would fall and equally feared remaining on the edge. But no sooner did the shock seize me than I found myself on the opposite side.

The split second came as I was handing the Bible back to Sara. ‘Well, then, what was the Fall?’

‘I’ll tell you my interpretation but there are many. Everyone in this house would tell you something different and some don’t even have an opinion or couldn’t care less. That’s all okay. That’s what life’s about.’

It never occurred to me that people could have different opinions or no opinion at all. I was sure that these people would try to destroy the Divine Principle and then unveil their truth. Subconsciously, I must have believed that it would be the antithesis of goodness and that ... what a totally astounding idea that I could choose what I wanted to believe. This last idea came as Sara explained that there was no rush on truth, that I would have the rest of my life to think about things. Still, most of my mind believed that the non-Family force had the scoop on the Fall.

Sara handed me back the Bible and pointed to Genesis 3:5. It read: ‘For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.’

She stated simply, ‘If you are tempted to place yourself in the throne of power you lose your innocence and you learn the true nature of good and evil.’

At dinner-time my face was still burning. The message came in from the kitchen to find out what I wanted to drink with dinner – milk, juice, water, coke.

‘Make it a gin and tonic.’

‘Getta load of her,’ Danny nudged Doug. ‘Queen-for-a-Day is having herself a drink. Hey, no drinking on the job.’

‘Well then, we’ll take a break — and while we’re at it we can call a truce until dinner’s over. What do you say? I won’t call you Clint Eastwood and you won’t ask me if Reverend Moon is the messiah.’

I felt frisky and in a mood for celebrating something but I had nothing to celebrate. I didn’t want to cope with anything. I concentrated on my dinner.

‘Compliments to the chef!’ I called out. ‘Must’ve been you, Mom, no one cooks like you.’

Different sensations were rushing me, things I’d never known could be sensations — like spontaneity. Not checking the catalogue in my brain before or after a thought or action. Sara sat next to me with her plate.

‘Yeah, your mom is a great cook. I’ll tell you, she’s a great lady. Sure it was easy for you to make the choice between your family and the cult because you never lose your family so it’s not a real choice. You can cut them off, mistreat them, but they always love you. Moon wouldn’t know you if he tripped over you. You couldn’t get through to him on the phone now if you wanted him to come and rescue you. But your real parents? They’d go through anything to rescue you and believe me, they already have. I know you couldn’t have looked your mother in the face and told her that Mrs Moon is your True Mother. You’ve got a lot to learn about parenthood. You know how Moon is always saying that his members are more loving than anyone else and they have ‘Parental Heart’ — honey, you could never fathom what real caring is. You’ve been in a make-believe world. Moon used you. Your parents never stopped caring, never gave up on you.’

My tears were hot They had nothing to do with what she was saying. The thought of my mother’s love made me feel that I could love myself, forgive myself, cleanse myself of the never-ending guilt I had felt in the Family. For once I could feel that I had given of myself, that I was a good person. No matter what Sara said, I was not a spoiled brat. I was sincerely trying to do the best thing. I felt the two of me, one pitiful and the other pitying.

Doug joined us. He had a VOC lecture book in his hand. ‘You know, what really gets me is how you went on and on so self-righteously about Moon being against communism. What do you or anyone else in the group really know about it? Did you know that Moon uses the identical methods of indoctrination? You have the world so sharply divided between Satan and God, black and white. Do you think that fascism is any better than communism? Was Hitler any better than Stalin? I can see the Moonies on trial saying, “I was only following orders”. What about democracy?’ He paused and fished in his case for some papers.

‘You need only one error in the Divine Principle to make it false. We’ve shown you hundreds. It’s a strange thing about mind control — if you demolish most of the doctrine and leave just a tiny bit standing, the mind hangs onto it.’

Evening brought another guest. Mom had been talking about a young man who had been deprogrammed from the Divine Light Mission. She was glad that he had been able to arrange the time to come and talk with me. He talked about his job, asked how I was feeling, stayed away from heavy subjects. It was hard for me to remember how conversations were supposed to go. By the time he got to the end of a question, I had forgotten the first part of it. He sensed that I was bleary.

He set up a tape recorder for me to hear a speech by his former guru. A man with a funny accent was saying something like: when you have evil thoughts, push them out of your mind. Because your mind troubles you, give it to me. It won’t trouble me.

The young man rolled his eyes ceiling-ward. We all laughed yet it was a frightening tape. How could you be told what and what not to think? Imagine someone telling people not to use their —

Father ‘I am your thinker. I am your brain.’

Lectures: Have no give and take with negative thoughts.

It suddenly wasn’t so funny. Change the accent a little and —

The young man nodded when I looked up at him with this realization spilling out of me. The room was filled with people. Such a small room, so many conversations like a cocktail party. No one noticed the crucial understanding in that exchanged glance. It didn’t matter. In the Family everything had to be noticed, examined, accounted for and nothing belonged to me. It was always public knowledge, any private thought. This understanding was for me alone, accountable to me, a me exists. In the Family everything was given equally ultimate significance. Things do have different values. So no one noticed me. So what.

I was resting my head in my mother’s lap and she stroked my hair distractedly. She was engrossed in a conversation with Doug. Jill and Sara were laughing about something in the corner. The others were getting up to go into the kitchen. The young man from the Indian cult stretched out between my mother and the wall.

Why hadn’t Father told us about these other groups — so many of them? Sara had read me the testimonies of people I thought were all ex-Family members. Turns out they were from several other groups. All else aside, Father should have explained to us the truth about cults and mind control for our own sake.

‘Would you like to go out with me sometime?’ The young man had a nice smile.

I laughed. ‘Under the circumstances, that’s a very tempting offer.’ The escape I had wanted. I was surprised when I found myself telling him to call me at my mother’s house to arrange a date. Would I be living there?

‘Wherever you are, I’ll find you. All the employees where I work are going to Disneyland for an evening, you know, when they close the park down for a private party. Would you like to do something like that?’

Be anonymous again? Be a part of life with no one looking over my shoulder? Laugh at simple things?

How had it happened? It seemed that as soon as I entertained the possibility of something other than Principle, my prison vanished. I was free. Confused but free.

What about True Parents? I loved Father and could see him accusing me of being Judas. I pictured the photos from the locket. I visualized the image of Parents deep inside me. They would stay there until I dealt with them later. I would deal with everything later.

Before I fell asleep, Jill came in. She sat down where I was snuggled under the covers. ‘Know what I did the other night? I went down to the ocean. I kicked off my shoes and walked along the shore. I found a place to sit and I just sat there feeling the wind on my face, listening to the waves, smelling the salt air, letting the feeling of the sea surround me. I thought to myself: I am free. I can think anything I want.’

I was jealous of her. How wonderful to go to the sea. To sit at the shore and belong to no one. That most sacred and private place between me and me had been violated. I wanted the salt air to cleanse me, renew me.

What do you do when a huge section of your life is spliced out and the two ends fit neatly back together as if that time had never been — when you wonder where that lost time went but you’re still in it like a phantom — when you wonder who that other person in the time spliced out was but at the same time realize that that other person is the most familiar core of what you are made of — when you are relieved to the point of euphoria and terrified at the same time (both for no apparent reason and for endless reasons) — when you can’t go back to being that old self at the past end of the splice and certainly aren’t the self you haven’t been yet at the future end — and the reality of the matters at hand is so crushing that it requires the equivalent of a session of parliament in your brain to decide if you want a cup of coffee and when none of that really matters because everything emanates a calm like the warbling of birds after the bombing has stopped and you know the bombs will never fall again.

Another good night of sleep. In the morning we breakfasted and talked. I was aware that I no longer had any opinions about anything. I was blank. The blast had taken everything out by the roots. I was amazed that Danny and Doug disagreed on various things. The outside world was now my world and it was not united. Doug was talking to me about switching over from my absolutist frame of mind. He said that the doctrine wasn’t so important but the way I thought. Not which things were painted black and which were painted white, because these varied from cult to cult. All ex-members, he said, had to get away from thinking in black-and-white terms and start looking at the shades of grey. I was miles ahead of him. I was dealing with technicolour. Let out of a dark hole into the blazing sunlight, the eyes of my mind winced closed.

I didn’t want to leave the deprogramming room for the time. I didn’t feel deprogrammed. I was to learn that deprogramming only starts the mind thinking again, asking questions. It doesn’t provide the answers.

I was brought into the living room. The team was relaxed, limbs draped over the furniture, every comment followed by a soft round of chuckles. The world had never looked so wholesome, so inviting. It seemed that milk and honey, or sunlight or some tangible substance of peace was flowing out of everything.

Dana and his wife stopped by. They were on their way back to France. Dana told me a little bit about the concerts he was doing. His wife told me about her dress when I admired it. Alice showed me pictures of her children. Tears still formed in her eyes when she looked at me and several times she put her arm around me to say what she couldn’t find words for. She promised me that I would have a wonderful life. I hoped I didn’t look to her like someone who needed a glass of warm milk. The drifts of conversation carried jokes and casual swearing I found offensive. It was all too much for a mind that was racing nowhere fast. I wandered back into the deprogramming room and curled up on the floor with the pillow. Danny followed me in and plunked himself down.

‘Wanna talk?’

‘Sure.’

I didn’t, really. I just wanted to absorb the racing.

‘Spit it out.’

It wasn’t a matter of spitting, it was a matter of running to all the vast frontiers of my brain at once with a sieve to catch evaporating thoughts. It came out something like this:

‘Dan, I want you to watch me. I think I might be too clever, like I might be fooling you — or me — or something. I want to be deprogrammed or not deprogrammed. Maybe you know what I mean.’

‘Sorry, lady, I know what you’re going through but I can’t help you. You have to do this one alone. The ball, as they say, is in your court.’

‘What did you do after you left the Children of God?’

‘Why, so you can do the same? Sorry, I ain’t gonna be your new messiah. Besides, I don’t think you’d want to do what I did. When I found out that Moses David wasn’t the end-time prophet, I got sick. I just started to vomit. I was in bed shivering and sweating and Sara stayed up with me. It was a long time before I could go back and understand what had happened. I floated a lot. Floating means when you snap back into your programme. You’re probably not far enough out to snap back into it but when you do — it’s an eerie feeling —’

‘Like being back in the cult but not being there? Like phantoms?’

‘Like phantoms.’

Danny stood up and moved for the door. ‘Piecing things back together takes a long time. You have to learn to be patient with yourself — like when you get your leg out of a cast, you can’t run on it right away.’

I could hear the others laughing in the living room. I stared at the carpet. My senses were like bees out of the hive. I could see the carpet. The blue was so intense I could almost hear it. I could take the feel of it under my hands. I could feel my heart beat. A few moments, a few precious moments of awareness. I would have a lifetime of them. Cradling myself I thought no one, no one can ever take this away from me. Yet hadn’t someone already done that? Yes, I would have to have patience even to find the place to begin again.

‘Honey?’ My mother was standing at the door. ‘Can you come here for a minute? We want to ask you something.’ In the next room Chuck was sitting on the bed. Mom shut the door. The floor was piled high with a tangle of clothes spilling out of half-open suitcases. My mother sat on the edge of the bed, choosing her words gingerly.

‘How do you feel?’

‘Like Lazarus. Whatever the question, the answer is probably going to be “why not”?’

‘Erica, we have to decide what you’re going to do now. You know that you have all the time in the world and that we’re always here for you but Sara thinks it would be a good idea for you to go home with her for a while. Some time to rest and learn some more. She has answers we simply don’t have. There is so much more you have to sort out for yourself.’

The thought appealed to me. Of course, just like the ladies in nineteenth-century novels who took a cruise or sojourned at an auntie’s when they were grieving. But on the heels of this came an image of Sara’s house. So many new things to cope with. She would have friends visiting. The thought of having to face anyone new was staggering. Of having to fill my time. If only I could hide away, but where? I didn’t want to see anyone I knew, not even my sister, until I was better. Before I could finish the thought, a tidal wave of tears tore everything loose. They were not tears of self-pity, frustration or grief. They were not tears of relief. They were tears I was born with. I wanted to cry to the bottom of them so I would never have to cry again. I don’t know how long we were there, Mom and Chuck crying too before Sara poked her head in the door.

‘Mind?’ she abbreviated.

Mom and Chuck exited. Sara curled up on the bed.

‘Enough clothes for the first six months, eh? I’ll say. It’s been what, two or three days? You sure don’t travel light ’ I found a sleeve of something to mop my face with.

‘Coming to New York with me?’ Sara never cut any fancy footwork, never introduced a subject. She searched my face. The invitation was sincere.

I grinned. ‘When do we leave?’

pages 228-236

When you hurt yourself somehow, fall down or get in a fight, you walk away thinking you’re feeling pain until you wake up the next morning and the soreness has set in and you puff up and turn every colour of the rainbow. I was going along for a while thinking, jeez, there’s not much to this when the shock wave returned from its journey of reverberation and smacked me. I was so bottomed-out physically that I didn’t get to the mental problems for a long time.

Most of the first month I slept I’d get up at ten and be back in bed by three in the afternoon. It was hot and humid. I shared Sara’s bedroom, a converted attic. There were windows at both ends under the eaves and the heavy summer wind passed through the room. Whenever I closed my eyes and put my head on the pillow, I felt I was falling into a thick darkness with such a strong force that there was no way to hold back. Sleep locked me into a blackness violently swarming with images. I would wake up screaming or imagining that I had screamed. No matter where she was in the house, Sara would hear me make the slightest stir and would appear at my side to put on the light, smooth down the covers and listen to me until I was quiet again.

It was during that time that I became familiar with a nightmare that recurred for years. A black ocean devoid of life. No matter how far inland I was, the waves would find me and suck me out to the depths. It was not the water that frightened me because I could breathe in it. It wasn’t a fear of sharks or sea monsters. Not even a microbe lived in the sterile inkyness. It was the power and vastness of it.

I was extremely sensitive to light and sounds. Crowds made me dizzy; the faces would blend and I’d grow faint. My memory and attention spans were useless. I couldn’t read or converse for more than a few minutes without getting completely worn down and needing a rest Reading a newspaper article could take an hour. How would I ever catch up on the world since my Rip Van Winkle sleep in the cult? I even had to learn about the things I’d not been isolated from but merely blanked out of my perception like the changes in clothing styles.

Sara had to keep reminding me to think for myself, to not look to her for opinions, to not soak up whatever I heard. But she had little trouble getting me to try new things. Boating, skating, concerts, dancing, water-skiing — but not all things came easily. Remembering how I had served Kadachi-san and all the guests at headquarters house soft drinks and had never been allowed to drink something so fine myself, I swore I’d drink the stuff until I burst In the cult I had served from bottles and didn’t know that drink cans had since changed and were manufactured with pop tabs. I saw the cans in the fridge and balked. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to open one and didn’t venture to try for several months. I never knew when I would excel and when I would fail, when the next step would be on rotten floorboards or on no floor at all. I glossed over with what I hoped was a sophisticated appearance by remembering things from the old Erica.

Sara read me as if I had neon signs flashing what I needed. When something needed to be resolved, she never hesitated to draw me into discussion but dancing the polka at Polish weddings, sitting on the front stoop eating watermelon, taking a martini break from a shopping spree, washing the dog and chasing each other around the yard with the hose — these did more for me than years of psychotherapy ever could have.

I shuddered to think if I had been institutionalized instead of deprogrammed I would have been in a hospital for years getting worse. Sara knew what she was doing. She had first gotten involved when her brother fell prey to a nomadic cult and disappeared. He got arrested hundreds of miles away and when they went to claim him, they found a total stranger who spoke in Bible verse, wore a long robe and had been surviving by scrounging food from garbage tins. After straightening him out, handling a Moonie was a piece of cake.

She took me out to meet people — seemed like she knew everyone in the whole state. We gave talks about mind control. We’d pull into a small town, talk to the school kids, the local paper, the service club luncheon and then have the whole town turn out in the evening to hear us speak at the church. What a welcome to the Fallen World! Total strangers listening to me with tears in their eyes, pinching my cheeks, giving me their addresses in case I ever needed them for anything. The warmth and attention were wonderful but I started to feel like a circus exhibit.

Sara started doing deprogrammings at home. It was my turn to say: I’ve been in your shoes. Every time I watched a deprogramming, another huge burden was lifted. They didn’t all break out of mind control in the same way. Kara from Ananda Marga let out screams that shook the house and Billy from The Way calmly balanced his Bible on his knee, took off his spectacles to wipe them and observed, ‘Well, it certainly appears that I’ve been deceived.’ Some said nothing but flushed in stunned silence. It was always miraculous to see the real person suddenly rush into the robot shell.

We worked together on floating until each person learned to handle it alone. We recognized the symptoms in one another instantly and instinctively. Sometimes the eyes would glaze over or the person would drop out of conversation. My own mind was like a minefield. I never knew when I’d trip an explosion. Sometimes I’d catch it like a contact high from one of the others, sometimes a phrase, a snatch of a song, maybe an unresolved bit of doctrine and always parking lots. Going to stores was a trial. I’d automatically check the lot for the flow, for the clues from Spirit World. If no one else was around, I’d work myself into a panic. I’d think what if, what if. If they are right, I’ve been deceived by Satan. My mind would start pacing and sniffing its old haunt, Purpose/Fall/ Restoration, and I’d snap back, or only half snap back and be spread between here and nowhere.

The thing to do was trace the floating back and resolve the problem that had triggered it In the cult they told us to cut off doubt Sara encouraged it Challenge, weigh, delve, decide. In the cult they told us that everything about the other world was evil. Sara told us not to destroy our good memories and benefits from the cult, people we loved, things we had learned and overcome.

Floating was only the punctuation, not the constant

The constant was exhilaration. The intensity of it was sure to illuminate the rest of my life. Every time I encountered something, I considered it as if I had never known of it before. There is an essence one can sometimes feel for a quiver of a moment when he looks at the stars. I felt that all the time. The smallest thing was not without its glory. Being able to sit down without permission, without guilt Buying a postage stamp with my own money and being able to send a letter of my very own thoughts to anyone. Feeling the wind, seeing the buildings, smelling the earth, letting my imagination run free. And being able to say no.

This expanding, more than anything else, combated floating. I simply could not fit back into that narrow mental slot. When I realized that, I knew that even though I was not completely healed, it was time for me to get back into the world.

I was prepared to enter society at the bottom rung, having been used to meeting handicaps that I never knew I had until I found myself in a situation for which I was not equipped. It took me a long time to realize that part of my handicap at this stage was being too advanced. By having met my weaknesses and shortcomings I had become stronger and wiser than most people who simply refused to admit to human frailty. I kept thinking I was wrong because I didn’t fit in but it was still the same old world that didn’t make sense.

There were practical problems that hit me left and right How to explain that blank in my resume when applying for a job. Say that I was off on independent study in some remote place or tell the truth and risk losing out on the job? Getting a driver’s licence, opening a bank account, getting references to rent a flat — meeting new people, especially dating, I always wondered if I should tell the story or not If I didn’t tell it, I would remain a stranger and if I did, I’d have to tell the whole thing knowing that when I’d finished, the person was not likely to have changed his view that cults are harmless groups of people who are better off where they are. When I was speaking to groups in New York, the people had been friendly because they pitied me. Now I was learning that no one really understood.

One of my old friends invited me to a high school reunion party. I mingled: a singer, a local politician, a craftsman, a journalist One woman arrived late. The talk quieted down as she made her entrance and hellos. ‘Sorry I’m late, guys. You’ll never believe what held me up. I stopped at a gas station and some Moonie came up trying to sell me flowers!’

The whole room burst into laughter. I looked down at my drink. The girl I’d been talking to turned to resume the conversation. ‘And what have you been up to since I last saw you, Erica?’

The thing that got me most upset was when people asked why I had become a Moonie and then didn’t notice at all how uncomfortable I was in answering. They’d never think to ask in casual conversation, tell us about how you became a quadriplegic in your motorcycle accident or tell us about watching your best friend get blown to bits in Vietnam and, oh, pass the chips, won’t you?

I found out that my brother had tried to foil the deprogramming. He thought my mother was over-reacting and shouldn’t treat me like a baby by bailing me out of trouble. He thought it was a fad, a phase I’d pass through. He wanted to phone me at the camp to tip me off to get out before she came to get me. Luckily, he wasn’t motivated enough to follow through. When I saw him, I asked him about it He scoffed at the idea that I had been brainwashed. Okay, big brother, what if you are right and I had just happened to, say, be into self-mutilation and your little plan had worked? He was unmoved. According to him, my great failing was that I just hadn’t been cool, hadn’t been doing the in thing, something I was still guilty of. I decided, after a time, to put my thoughts to him in a letter. The letter came back to me. He had scrawled across it ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue ...’ from the rhyme we used to taunt each other with as children ‘… anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you’. Welcome home, sis.

Surely someone would understand. I went to speak to a rabbi who reduced me to tears by ridiculing me for having toyed with Christianity and then to a minister who said I would have never become a Moonie if I had studied Christianity better. Father Peter was too embarrassed to discuss it I was barking up the wrong tree. It wasn’t a religious problem but a psychological one.

I finally came across a lukewarm article on the subject in an obscure publication and wrote to the author. He referred me to the only person he knew who had any knowledge of cults. I went to see this professor and gladly consented to having our talk taped for use in his book. A totally misleading sliver of one of my remarks later appeared in a Moonie PR book. I then heard that this professor was on Moon’s payroll as a functionary at the annual international conference that a Dr Moon with eyeglasses hosts for eminent scientists.

After the Jonestown tragedy, an informational hearing was called in Washington, DC. The Moonie campaign to have the event cancelled did not succeed but they pressured enough that the Moonie president was called to testify and ex-members were not.

Hundreds of Moonies had the place mobbed by dawn. A friend, fearing for my safety, got me into the hearing room before the doors were opened to the public. First the press came in, bright lights, scuffle, equipment being set up, the sound of people filling up the room behind me and then a peculiar and familiar stench. That smell I could never get rid of on the fundraising team. I turned around and saw the entire hall filled with Moonies. As people stood in turn to give their presentations, the Moonies jeered, stomped their feet, hurled insults. Security guards, panelists, press all stiffened at the unpredictability of this confrontation. Wasn’t it the right of a governing body to gather information after the assassination of a congressmen and the death of over 900 others? How many were the Moonies willing to sacrifice to protect themselves? One of the ex-cultists prevented from testifying who had lost her tiny son in the suicide-massacre shook like a leaf when the Moonie president spoke in her stead. The Moonies rose as a man with a deafening cheer.

I wasn’t going to hang around. I pushed my way through the knotted crowd towards a side exit. Almost there but someone was blocking my path. I tapped his shoulder to move him aside. He spun around and faced me. Baum.

‘Erica, it’s-so-good-to-see-you, we’ve-been-so-worried-about-you.’

Yeah, so worried you’ve been losing sleep thinking what deprogrammed fundraisers will do to Moon’s bank account. I tried to step past He kept talking so fast he was spitting.

‘Listen, Sister, I-know-that-you-think-I’m-possessed-by-evil-spirits and we-think-that-you’re-possessed-by-evil-spirits, but-that-doesn’t-mean-that —’

‘Bob,’ I luxuriated in the heresy of addressing him like that and putting my hand on his shoulder, ‘I don’t believe in evil spirits.’

‘What?’ He took in a sharp breath and seemed to grow visibly larger with disbelief and indignation. ‘Well... don’t you believe in God?’ He had on a red and white pinstripe shirt that had an odd optical effect of making him seem to vibrate all the more.

‘You mean a person can’t believe in God without believing in little invisible things running around that make people open their wallets and fall asleep on the highway?’

I still love you, Bob, but not in a way you could understand. Not because doctrine says I must, not to show how super-spiritual I am.

‘I know you weren’t one of those jeering and stomping your feet You were always dignified and knew to turn the other cheek.’

His smile caught me off guard. Then I checked the eyes. They were blazing. ‘Oh, no. Oh, no.’ His head bobbled. ‘Things have changed. The time has come. The course has changed from a passive one to one of aggression. We’re on the offensive now.’

All the times Moon had spoken about military aggression. All the times we listened with our lids fluttering closed, as he droned on in his hypnotic way, punctuating with militaristic words, of battle, of enemy, of charging and crushing, defeating, subjugating, annihilating, of taking over the government, the United Nations, the whole world. Baum had me by both arms. I looked toward the door, searching wildly for a face I knew. Two friends spotted me. They flanked me and moved me through the door into an empty corridor. Baum ran after me, shouting, dancing to himself, trying to pry one of the men loose.

‘Leave her alone, Baum, can’t you see she doesn’t want to talk to you?’

‘Never mind that. You have to answer to a few things, Erica. What about this article in Newsweek? Why did you lie, Erica? Why are you saying things about us that you know aren’t true? You can’t do that, you can’t get away with it.’ He had his lips peeled back, lunging forward at every question. What did he intend to do about it? The press had already gone for the story about suicide training in the Moonies, about members being taught how to slash their wrists. Ex-members everywhere were crawling out of the woodwork. I wasn’t the only one talking.

Off the corridor behind one of the endless unmarked doors we stood. We’d ditched Baum. I was shaking. I sank into a chair.

I was shaking because I knew that but for a flick of fate, Baum and I could have traded places.

And by that same fate I had once been a model Moonie, a hard-liner like Baum. Would I not have made a model Nazi? Had not both the victim and the victimizer lived within me? Was I not now cast out forever from the innocence I once enjoyed? Moon had held out the forbidden fruit and my eyes had been opened to know good and evil.

#FFWPU #Family Federation for World Peace and Unification #Moonies #Unification Church #Sun Myung Moon #Erica Heftmann

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possiblyimbiassed · 7 years ago

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Sherlock and hospital – a long-term relationship

Apart from an assortment of different vehicles of travel (cabs, cars, buses, subway trains, airplanes, helicopters and even a boat) and different crime scenes, there are two main venues where BBC Sherlock takes place; one is Sherlock’s home at 221B Baker Street, and the other is a hospital. This meta is focusing on the latter, since I believe it’s highly significant that the show is dedicating so much time to hospital scenes especially HLV and S4.

In the first series we see Sherlock working a lot at St Bart’s hospital, London.

This is also where Sherlock and John meet for the first time, so the hospital has a great symbolic value. Sherlock is not employed by this hospital; he mainly uses their lab facilities, which he has access to entirely thanks to a friend of his - Molly Hooper, a pathologist who works in the morgue of said hospital. Sherlock uses the hospital lab to carry out biochemical analyses connected to the crime cases he’s working on.

The morgue of Bart’s is also important to Sherlock, since it has a forensic function essential to his cases. Apparently, this is where murder victims are taken for forensic investigations carried out by New Scotland Yard.

In Series 2 Sherlock keeps using Bart’s hospital the same way he did in Series 2. In one case he also uses the hospital’s x-ray equipment (with Molly’s permission, I presume) to investigate a camera phone. There’s one scene, however, where he suddenly uses the rooftop of Bart’s instead, to secretly meet up with his adversary Jim Moriarty. This scene takes place in the episode The Reichenbach Fall, and it ends with Moriarty shooting himself in the head on said rooftop, after which Sherlock jumps from Bart’s rooftop in a fake suicide.

I think it’s particularly interesting that for the whole of series 1 and 2, we never see any patients in any of the hospital scenes. One might ask what’s the point of showing so much of a hospital, but never even a glimpse of its main activity and whole purpose: taking care of patients? Maybe it’s because Sherlock is a detective and deals with dead people rather than living?

However, in Series 3 we don’t see Sherlock working cases at Bart’s any more; there’s not a single scene where he makes a lab analysis, in spite of this being so important to him in Series 1 and 2. And the same goes for the whole of TAB and Series 4. There’s just the one scene in TSoT where he visits Bart’s to ask for a favour from Molly; he wants her to calculate an adequate intake of alcohol for John’s stag do.

But the hospital theme still continues. In the last episode of Series 3, His Last Vow, another kind of hospital scenes start to be frequent in the show; scenes where Sherlock is a patient. At first, in HLV, John takes him to Bart’s to have Molly test his urine for drugs. Apparently the test was positive, since Molly gets furious and slaps him. Later at 221B Sherlock is also violent towards his brother, telling him to “don’t appal me when I’m high”. Just a few hours later, however, Sherlock is up and running about, working on a crime case (not at Bart’s though) as if he hadn’t been high in the first place.

But later in the show, Sherlock is shot in the chest and brought to hospital (it’s unclear which one; doesn’t look like Bart’s though).

Sherlock’s heart stops in (what seems to be) the operation room, but the doctors are surprised when it starts beating again.

We never see any operation scar, only the bullet hole (did they manage to take out the bullet through the same hole it came in?) John’s wife ‘Mary’- the one who shot him - visits a defenseless, hospitalized Sherlock only to threaten him ‘not to tell John’.

Sherlock’s ‘fake’ girlfriend Janine also visits his hospital bed, mainly to bother him, mock him for his drug addiction and fiddle with his IV morphine painkiller.

Strangely enough, Sherlock looks quite well for someone who has recently been shot in the chest and almost died, and it only takes a few days before he escapes through the window of his hospital ward.

After a highly emotional scene between Sherlock, John and ‘Mary’, Sherlock’s heart stops again and he is brought to hospital for the third time this episode. Supposedly Sherlock is hospitalized for months, but this time we don’t see any of it. What we do see is Sherlock having lunch in a restaurant, dressed in a hospital gown and with a morphine drip on a stand beside him. He’s there to meet Magnussen, another adversary, and he claims that this is the hospital – the canteen (which seems very unlikely).

Most of the special episode The Abominable Bride takes place in a 19:th century setting inside Sherlock’s mind palace, but in one of the scenes where he’s supposedly back to his modern life, we see Sherlock unconscious on a hospital bed again, with John and Mycroft and ‘Mary’ surrounding him.

The ‘modern’ scenes of TAB make it clear that Sherlock has taken an overdose of drugs, which is why he entered his mind palace this time. There’s also a bit of back story where Mycroft tells John that this is not the first time Sherlock OD:d, and Mycroft has an agreement with his brother that he always must write a list of the drugs he has taken. But this time Sherlock claims he doesn’t even need to go to hospital.

Series 4 starts with Sherlock on a governmental hearing, babbling as if he was high on drugs, but he denies having taken anything. There are no more Bart’s scenes at all in this series; in The Six Thatchers Sherlock seems to make his analyses in the kitchen of 221B. When ‘Mary’ is about to give birth, Sherlock accompanies her and John in the car, but we never see them arrive at the hospital. Next scene the baby is already born, and John and ‘Mary’ are receiving guests at their home. At the end of the episode a governmental employee shoots ‘Mary’ in the abdomen, but we don’t see her being brought to hospital this time either – we don’t even see them call the ambulance.

The second episode of S4, however – The Lying Detective – is full of hospital scenes. There’s also a scene with an ambulance, where Molly examines Sherlock and tells him he’s dying from the drugs he is taking.

Nevertheless, Sherlock and John start working on a new case where they are trying to trick Culverton Smith, a celebrity who owns a hospital, into confessing to being a serial killer. Sherlock is high on drugs and looks totally worn-out. He even goes to the hospital’s rest room to get another fix.

Sherlock and John visit this hospital supposedly to give a talk to the hospitalized kids about Sherlock’s famous crimes cases.

But no-one seems to bother that Sherlock is high when he talks to the kids. John points out, however, that Sherlock already has given the answers when he offers the audience to try to solve his famous cases through logical reasoning.

But it turns out Sherlock fails to trick Culverton into any confessions. Instead Sherlock himself ends up hospitalized, after John beats and kicks him severely in front of Culverton and other people in the hospital’s morgue. This assault is glossed over, however, and blamed entirely on Sherlock.

John visits Sherlock’s hospital bed only to ‘say goodbye’ and leave the crutch that Sherlock saved him from in ASiB as a farewell gift. It’s unclear why John doesn’t want to see Sherlock anymore, but we do see him standing before an unconscious Sherlock in his sick bed.

Later on, however, Culverton enters and tries to suffocate Sherlock in his hospital bed on Sherlock’s own request.

Fortunately John returns right then, and he manages to save Sherlock.

The last episode of S4, The Final Problem, contains no hospital scenes at all, in spite of Sherlock and John jumping out from the window of 221B when a grenade explodes there. Mycroft is said to be gravely injured after the explosion, but we never see that. Instead of hospital, they all end up in a governmental high security facility on a far-away island named Sherrinford, where Sherlock’s and Mycroft’s dangerous sister Euros (whom Sherlock has never even heard of) is being kept as a prisoner. When Sherlock, John and Mycroft arrive there, it turns out that Euros is actually in charge of the instalment, and she performs a series of creepy experiments on them, involving murder, suicide and terror threats. Eventually, she lets them go, after Sherlock manages to solve her puzzle. One of the weirdest things with Sherrinford is that the security monitors of the instalment show CT-scan pictures of a human brain, instead of the expected CCTV security pictures:

And there is also some talk of organ donations. As if the events took place in a hospital rather than a prison.

So, what conclusions can we draw from all these hospital scenes in BBC Sherlock? Well, my main observations are the following:

All the hospital scenes from HLV and onwards are, in some way or another, connected to Sherlock’s drug use.

From S3 and onwards, Sherlock is no longer performing analysis at Bart’s hospital for his crime cases. In fact, the purpose of the hospital scenes seem to have shifted from being a work-place for a detective to Sherlock being the patient.

Hospital scenes do not follow incidents that would require hospital treatment for other people than Sherlock. In fact, the only character we ever see lying on a hospital bed in this show is Sherlock.

Every scene where we see John visit Sherlock in hospital, Sherlock is unconscious (not counting the TLV scene where John comes to save Sherlock from being suffocated).

When Sherlock jumps from a high building or is shot in the chest, he miraculously survives. When he’s high on drugs it’s glossed over. But according to Molly the drugs are killing him.

I’d like to suggest a possible explanation to why we are seeing all these hospital scenes with Sherlock as a patient, and what they mean. I think what really happened is not what was presented on scene; instead it was basically this:

Sherlock tried to kill himself with drugs shortly after John’s wedding, out of heartbreak. Someone (John? Mrs Hudson?) found him and made sure he was brought to hospital. He was not shot in the chest, however; he overdosed. What we see on screen from HLV and onwards, is Sherlock running experiments and scenarios in his mind palace (EMP theory), trying to figure out what went wrong between him and John. The scenarios we see are based on Sherlock’s earlier experiences with John, and on John’s blog, which he was reading shortly before he took the drugs. His initial problem is heartbreak; his final problem is staying alive. From the outside, Sherlock is comatose; he is dying, as is (on a meta level) the whole show Sherlock. By TFP, however, Sherlock has managed to figure out some very important things about himself, concerning his fear of love and emotions. I think he’s emotionally prepared to wake up from his coma and start the real recovery, which will probably take place in the next episode.

But the villains – the real, underlying causes of Sherlock’s and John’s problems – are homophobia and heteronormativity (represented by Jim and ‘Mary’). They are still very present, but Sherlock hasn’t even realized this yet; he rather tries to either deny them (‘Moriarty is dead’) or make excuses for them (all his glorifying of ‘Mary’). And I believe this means these issues will certainly pop up in Series 5, where Sherlock and John will finally have to deal with them in order to defeat the villains.

So, this is basically my view of the show, and of all the weirdness of HLV and Series4. I’ve also tried to explain the reasons for it in these meta:

John’s wedding is a crime scene and Sherlock is the victim, John’s wedding is a crime scene Part II, Is John’s blog food for Sherlock’s EMP?, Sherlock’s note and Why HLV happens inside Sherlock’s head.

And also in my answer to this brilliant meta by @sagestreet, continued by @monikakrasnorada

Tagging some people who might be interested: @sagestreet @sarahthecoat @gosherlocked @monikakrasnorada @tjlcisthenewsexy @mrskolesouniverse

#sherlock is dying and needs to wake up from his EMP #Sherlock is in hospital #sherlock is suicidal #drug-induced EMP #emp theory

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weholyperfectioncollectorme-blog · 6 years ago

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San Antonio Texas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 78213

"San Antonio Texas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 78213

San Antonio Texas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 78213

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolutions.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Okay... I was driving my parents car to work. I am 19. No tickets or crashes since I was 15 and a half. I was rear ended when I stopped for an ambulance. My parents have insurance on that car, but I am not on their policy. I did have my mother's permission to use the vehicle. I have my own liability insurance but on a car that I sold several months ago. I maintained that insurance just in case anything happened. The woman that hit me immediately admitted blame. She also admitted blame to the officer that came out to see us. In fact, she cut him off to admit blame. I hope I am good to go as far as any sort of payment for damages. I understand if I get ticketed for not being on their policy... I just don't want to have to pay for my parent's car out of pocket, I can't afford that. Do all three party's insurances need to be reported? My dad is trying to tell me that my insurance is the only one that needs be reported as well as the woman's that hit me. I disagree. I think that all three need to be - but he's older and wiser than me. I think he just doesn't want his rate to increase so he's trying to make me call the woman and tell her to not report their insurance. Fml, i'm confused. thanks.""

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What's the cheapest Insurance company?

I'm sixteen, will be seventeen in June. I just got a job and I need to get insurance so I can get a car. My parent's insurance will be really expensive plus to put the car on there it will be even extra. Can anyone tell me what the cheapest car insurance place would be for me with full coverage? Thank you (: oh and my car will be a 2000 saturn.""

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San Antonio Texas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 78213

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Both Canidates say they will make insurance affordable, no #'s are given - what is affordable? Some people cant afford $2.00 a week or a month...they are living on nothing. My ...show more""

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San Antonio Texas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 78213

Auto Insurance!?

i Have MetLife auto insurance at the present time, and i have a payment every other month. They have been sending me monthly bills the same price as my Bi-monthy bill. I have been given the run-around in other ways from them as well. Any suggestions for Auto insurance providers, for I am thinking of switching!""

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Does anybody know of a company that will insure me daily on hire and reward insurance?

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Should i go through the whole car insurance thing?

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If my insurance would charge me 600 pounds for a year how much would they charge for just a months insurance?

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I don't work, and don't plan on working. I don't own a house or car that's in my name, and don't plan to. Everything will always be in my boyfriends name. How will the insurance company ever get money from me. Even if they sue me.""

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How to get only eye insurance in new jersey ?

Hi , I have bcbs nj health insurance independently , not from my employer , but they dont provide eye insurance indepently , it should only be from an employer , ......pls someone suggest other insurances where they provide only eye coverage like UNITED or GURDIAN etc""

Another car insurance Question.?

In the UK if you buy a car, it HAS to be insured, but at the moment for someone young to insure a car, i looked on a comparing site, i put myself as a main driver for a 1.2 litre fiesta and it was well past 4K, and insurance companies know they can charge that amount because without insurance it is illegal to drive. If i put myself on 3rd party insurance it either drops by less than 100 or goes up, ive read about this and apparently insurance companies think that if you get 3rd party insurance, you care less for your car so therefore they charge more. Now in the US things are alot better, if you pay car tax you automatically get 3rd party insurance, this is a great idea and i wouldn't mind knowing why they don't introduce it here in the UK, if not, surely the government or somebody will confront the insurance companies so that they can lower premiums, right?""

""No pink slip yet, Can I insure my car in California. Also needs tags?

Ok so I bought a used G35 from a private seller but he has one more payment to pay until he gets his pink slip. We made a contract I still owe him some money until we switch it over to my name. My question is there any way to insure the car so I can drive it or should I just wait until its under my name and not drive it. Also it needs tag how should I go about that? I know the easiest way to do this is wait but I want to drive it already so if there is a possible way I'm willing to go out of my way.

Is my roommate in trouble for auto insurance fraud?

My roommate has been commiting auto insurance fraud for the past 7 years. She registered her car in Georgia even though she's been living, working, and driving in NYC for the past 7 years. Somehow the auto insurance company found out. In NY auto insurance rate fraud is I THINK a federal offence now. So I told my roommate that even though they can proove she's been living and working in NYC for the past few years they can't proove that her car has been here the whole time too. So she should be a-ok and not worry, right? Obviously they will make her start paying nyc rates, but since they can't make her pay for the past 7 years because proof of employment and living here doesn't proove she's been driving to work every day here too right?""

Why does Infinity car insurance suck?

everytime i called them for help they always sounds like they are mad and rude at the same time, and they don't even care about helping me out just by the sounds of their voice!!! my question is what a good car insurance out there???""

Can I add a non-family member to my auto-insurance plan?

I use USAA. I was wondering if I could add my boyfriend as part of my insurance plan, and he would just pay me when the bill comes. We do not live together yet, so I'm wondering if this is possible. He'd be driving his own car. The reason I'm asking is because USAA has good rates and I was wondering if I could share it with him.""

How much would it cost to put an 18 year old on progressive car insurance?

I have to add my daughter to my insurance and I want some input before I make any decisions. What is a good estimate for how much it would cost?

Good cheap nice looking car for a 16 year old and easy to insure?

Cheap car insurance for a 17 year old girl?

Does anyone know of any good companies? I'm hoping to spend around 1500 (or less is possible) Directline is the closest I have come to this. The car is a 1998 Ford Fiesta Ghia 1.25L

Insurance on a moped (under 50cc)?

i am interested in buying a 50cc or less moped, geared or not geared, it doesnt honestly matter. but i dont have a clue how much the insurance for it could be. could anyone give me a rough estimation of the cost of insurance of this moped, as i am 16. can anyone help?""

What percent of term life insurance policies pay out?

I want to leave some money for my children once I am gone. Is it better to buy a Term Life Insurance policy or to invest that money where it will earn interest? What are the odds of a Term Life Insurance Policy paying out? What percent pay out? I'm thinking it is probably very low. So I am leaning more toward investing the money instead of using it to pay premiums. It seems insurance is more of a gamble than an investment. I don't want to give my money to an insurance company for 20 years and have my children get nothing in the end. Can someone with knowledge of the insurance industry please give me a straight answer to this?

Can I drive a car with Florida license plates in my name & insurance from illinois?

Thinking about taking a car from illinois to florida. But one problem. Car insurance would be ridiculous if it was in my name, so I have it in a relatives. But I was thinking about taking the car from Illinois to Florida, Then registering the license plates in my name making them Florida plates. Can I keep the car insurance under my relatives name from illinois? If possible it would be a Florida car with Florida license plates and Illinois car insurance. Would that be possible?""

What is the cheapest car & insurance combination a 17 year old girl can get in the uk?

basically, what is a cheap car that has really cheap insurance for people who have just passed? thanks""

""I will turn 64 in March, I am a widow, how can I get affordable health insurance?

Dental and Vision most important No current health concerns

Car insurance rough estimate?

55 years old, recent drink driving conviction, Mazda sports car worth < 2K.""

Is it best to wait until i am 25 to buy a car to save on insurance?

i heard it was like 3grand to insure a car for a male under 25 or is it 21?

Can i get insurance to drive any car?

My current insurance gives me third party cover on any vehicle i drive with permission from the owner. Can i get full insurance? (i am thinking of setting up a business which would require me driving other peoples cars) THanks

Can a Healthnet insurance bought in California be used in the Philippines during emergency cases?

My Aunt is from California and she's vacationing in the Philippines. Due to severe allergy attack, she was rushed to the emergency room in one of the hospitals here in the Philippines. Her health insurance provider is healthnet. The hospital here said they don't accept healthnet card. What can she do ? What other options does she have? If the hospitals here can refuse to accept Healthnet cards, can she just pay the bill and have it reimbursed later by healthnet when she gets home?""

San Antonio Texas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 78213

Do I sign the certificate of title when selling the car to the insurance company?

My vehicle was determined to be a total loss and I have decided to give up my car to the insurance company. They have asked me to send the certificate of title and the DMV form (Vehicle transfer and reassignment form). The odd thing is that the insurance company asked that I do not sign the title document, but asked that I sign the DMV form. Should I sign both documents, or just sign the DMV form (will that be enough to successfully transfer the vehicle?) What will happen if I end up signing the certificate of title, even when the insurance company told me not to??""

How much would insurance be?

my step dad is putting me on his insurance, he has a 2006 dodge caravan.. how much would it be for me ( a 17yr old girl) to get put on as an occasional driver?""

US health insurance - question?

We are Canadians moving to the US in couple of weeks and we have just applied for medical insurance in the US, filled out all the papers and we'd like to know whether the insurance company will call our Canadian doctor to get our medical records? We want to make our doctor aware of this and at the same time, to be honest, we did not know exactly the dates when we've been at the doctor's office, we put down approximate dates on the insurance applic form and we do not want to be denied because of misrepresentation or something like that. At the same time, here in Canada, just because healthcare is universal, you don't get any medical papers or records to keep track on when you've been at the doctor's office. Thanks a lot.""

""Can you suggest a good,affordable health insurance plan?""

I am an adjunct instructor at two colleges in Michigan. Neither institution offers health insurance for adjunct instructors. For the last three years I have been getting health Insurance through a postdoctoral fellowship. Now this fellowship has come to an end, and I am in desperate straits. I have heart problems and I need specials medicationss for depression and attention deficit disorder.What do I do?""

Should I buy Supplemental Life Insurance?

My company already provides me with Basic Life insurance and AD&D insurance. Should I still buy life insurance for me and my family?

Car insurance 2 Different Co?

My girlfriend recently bought a car but she is insured by her parents policy, she is wanting to know if she can get another insurance company's policy without raising her parents rates.""

How much would insurance be for a 125cc motorbike in the UK? Just a ball park figure.?

Auto Insurance Quote too high?

I got an insurance quote from Amica Insurance. I've never had any ticketes or anything and they want $ 180 per month. With Farmers it is $360 every 6 months. Why the big difference? I heard Amica is supposed to be cheaper? Thanks

What are some quicker cars that are lower in insurance?

I'm looking to get a quicker car, I've been looking at WRX, Speed3, and GTI, but they are all really expensive on insurance for a 19 year old, are there any comparable cars that might be a little less on insurance rates?""

Will be any prob to get insurance?

Hi I stay in Kolkata. I hav red pulsar 135 . now I want to change my pulsar colour fuly like i want to do white paint job in my pulsar . my qes is if i changed my bike colour will i hav to face any prob to gettng my bike insurance ? thanks

Buying a Motorcycle and taking it to California?

So I'm in Florida and I'm selling my car to buy a motorcycle. I'm thinking about purchasing a triumph bike here in florida at the dealership and having them ship it to my house in California hoping i can get a sweet deal. What do you guys think? tax in florida is cheaper than California but will i still have to pay for other stuff besides the obvious insurance, plate, etc.? or is this all a dumb idea, should i take my car money back to California and buy the triumph bike there?""

Insurance company wants to total my car/not insure it.?

So my dad rear ended someone really softly, but it was a truck that he rear ended with a hitch or something that damaged the grill and the bumper. Problem is, I put a total of $2700 to have transmission replaced and the engine repaired after the timing belt broke and caused damage over the last 2-3 months. It is a 2004 dodge neon and the body to these things are flimsy to begin with. I'm taking it in Monday to get it looked at better, but they said from what they could see it might be a total loss. Which means its only gonna be worth $2000. they said they have to replace the hood, the grill, and the bumper and other stuff which is **** because I know people who could fix these problems for less than $500. they aren't even visibly bad, a few dents in the places i mentioned but when i took it in they reacted like i had been in a head on collision going 50 mph. It runs perfectly, we wouldn't have even reported it except we were worried the guy might claim injury after the fact (which he did). What can I do? This is my only car, and I am already in debt from student loans. $2000 isn't gonna buy me a new car. How can I convince them not to total it when I take it in?""

Car insurance...oh my god?

hi, i just pass my driving test, my car (insurance group 7)....i search on confuse.com for third party car insurance is 4000 one year..although i'm 30 years old. is this ture? ...show more""

What company provides a good low cost life insurance policy for older people?

My father just retired, but he is stubborn and against getting a life insurance policy. I would like one to cover expenses he may leave behind and to take care of his wife, but he just doesn't see the need for some reason. His wife (my mother) is also the same way and they are too old fashioned and set in their ways to change their way of thinking. My parents are not rich and does not have a lot of money saved up. As a result, I may have to pay it myself even though I am supporting my own family on a single income. Obviously, the older one gets, the more expensive a life insurance policy becomes. Does anyone know of any good, reliable low cost life insurance companies out there? He doesn't have any major problems, but it would be best if there are some that doesn't require any health checks.""

What to do when someone has an accident in your car...no insurance?

A friend took my car without exactly having my permission (had permission to drive, but not where the accident took place). We are in WI where insurance is not required so our lapsed (bad move on our part, but we are past that now). The friend was at fault in the accident and our car is badly damaged although the other car was not...what do we do now?""

Which insurance company has the quickest claim?

Okay so I want to know which insurance company would give me the quickest claim without any problems between: state farm, farmers, hardford, and all state?""

Is car insurance in any way fair?

I know there is not much that I can do about it on my own but I am thoroughly annoyed by paying for car insurance. You pay for it in the hopes that you don't get into an accident and it increases. Once you've gotten into an accident, depending on the company, they try to figure out a way not to pay for it. If your car is totally destroyed, you're stuck with the blue book value and the remainder of your car note in some cases (if your insurance is really bad). While all of this is going on, the car is depreciating at an almost exponential rate and the top it all off, it is a requirement by our government to pay for it. Now I do undestand its place but there needs to be some type of adjustment in the way that this system works. I mean, while they're collecting money on your insurance, they are reinvesting it and making money off of your money that you will never get back and ultimately never use....I'm annoyed. I feel like I am just throwing money away. What do you think?""

Looking For Cheaper Car Insurance Quotes?

I am trying to beat my best quote so far and I wanted to ask if anyone knew of anyone I could try or some brokers who could get the price down a bit for me. Here are my circumstances. 18 years old Full licence for 9 months 0 NCB Live in east sussex no claims or convictions car is kept in a locked garage looking for upto 4000 annual mileage will be using car for pleasure and commuting My car is an Renault megane coupe 1.6e sport My best quote so far I got from moneysupermarket which is 1560 and that was from swinton. I just wanted to ask If their was anyone I could try, like good brokers who might be able to get that quote down a bit. I am really looking at no more than 1400 . It doesn't matter how big or small they are I will give anyone a try. I have tried most of the major companies but none of them come close to my best quote so far. Also is it worth putting my best quote down when filling in online forms. Does it make any difference?""

Are we going to have to have a secondary health insurance to insure against the newly sky-high deductibles?

Whats a good car insurance company?

hi im a 22 soon to be 23 year old male trying to buy a used 2004 or 2005 honda accord lx for 8 to 9000 dollars....what is the cheapest good insurance company i can go for and how much would i might have to dish out????

How much is auto insurance for a minor?

I'm about to get my license, how much is it to add me (16) to my parents car insurance? Don't give me anything like, It's different for everyone. I know. Just tell me what you are paying, or what you used to pay.""

What is insurance? Detailed answers please :]?

Can someone tell me the detailed purposes and steps of insurance... how it works, costs, etc. Anything you have would be helpful! Thank you.""

""When buying your most recent car, how did you obtain auto insurance?""

A few options, feel free to choose one or just let me know what happened to you. A. You bought insurance at the dealership B. You bought insurance at home within a week of purchasing the vehicle C. You bought insurance at home longer than a week after purchasing the vehicle D. You already had insurance and just added the car to your existing policy. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone if you drove home uninsured. :) Thanks! Also, let me know if you bought a new or used car.""

How much would car insurance be on a 2004 mustang?

i just recently bought a red 2004 Mustang V-6 convertible and i was wondering how much insurance would cost ? im pretty sure its over 100 but how much ? im 16 and its my first car , no rude comments please.""

I live in el cajon san diego i am 16 i want to get a car what insurance company should i get that is cheap?

i cant afford a car payment every month plus insurance so what insurance company will first of all let me be with them cause i have no credit and how much will it cost for me to get insurance

San Antonio Texas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 78213

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/american-national-home-insurance-quote-hailey-macdonald/"

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Harrison New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7029

"Harrison New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7029

Harrison New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7029

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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Car insurance INCREASE every 6 months with no accidents/tickets? wtf!?

Last year I had Unitrin Direct....they were charging me $85 a month...this is with NO tickets or accidents for the last 5 years of my driving record....this is also with the BASIC insurance that you need in Florida...10/10/20...NO collision...and a $1000 deductible..... So at the end of my 6 months...it was time for a renewal...they tried to bump me up to $140 a month for no reason...still no accidents/tickets...nothing had changed...i had expected my rate to DECREASE....they tell me it's a STATEWIDE INCREASE ......so i called around... Ended up switching to Allstate who has been charging me $90 a month (better than $140 right?).....6 months go by, everything's cool.....now my policy renewal is coming up and they're trying to tell me i need to pay $160 a month for their basic insurance. Are you kidding me? And according to them it's another STATEWIDE INSURANCE INCREASE ...... They also told me that it could be due to not having CONSECUTIVE insurance for the last few years, as in...I switched from State Farm to Unitrin to Allstate......they told me call the state insurance commissioner...which I did.... Got connected to some guy in Gainesville who tells me that the INSURANCE companies are the ones who decide the rates and increases...not them. Pretty much BS....Allstate's blaming the state, state's blaming them...feels like a huge runaround to me. Guess my questions are.... Should I stick with Allstate and pay $160 a month for this absolute BASIC insurance (keep in mind..no collision, $1000 deductible)...my car's not even worth a YEAR of their insurance. .... Or shop around? But if I switch back to Unitrin or get Geico or whatever....will I risk having ANOTHER increase after 6 months? And is it true that one of the reasons for these statewide increases is not having consecutive insurance with the same company for so many years? Thanks all.""

The cheapest car to insure for a 17 year old boy?

and dont just say lowest insurance group because iv been looking and so far its been a group 3 clio and iv looked at insurance for an aygo (group 1) i need real examples like i had a fiesta and it was blah not just small hatchbacks are cheap

""What is the best car insurance for a single girl of 20, full-time job, and living in a safe neighborhood?

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Alright, I have health insurance through my employer and I pay over $100/month. My friend has an individual policy and only pays $20/month. He thinks I should switch to have the same health insurance as him. What's the catch? Should I change health insurance policies?""

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What insurance company combines Home and car insurance i want to pay them together

""Buying moped, cost, insurance rate from ICBC?""

I want to buy a moped for to and from work What should I have to spend for a good 50cc What will ICBC charge on insurance per year, it will be a second vehicle if you can call it that lol""

How much is gonna cost in Insurance if I buy salvage car here in califonia?

Should I buy life insurance?

I am a 34 year old male, about to get married and will probably start a family. Some people have suggested that I need to buy life insurance and critical illness and disability insurance to protect my future family. I already have group coverage from my employer that includes some coverage for all of the above, though I work in an industry that is quite volatile and I could be jobless in a downturn. When I look at some of the policies out there and the monthly premiums involved, it seems like I need to dole out a chunk of money for a benefit that will probably never be realized, and the amounts are not even that sizable to make a HUGE difference to the financial security of my future dependents. I currently have around $300k in investments and no debt, and OK coverage from a group policy. Do I really need to buy life insurance? Ideally I need a product where the higher premiums and coverage only kicks in if I am unemployed.""

""One more question on insurance,,,, do I HAVE to cancel existing insurance on my mums car.....?""

i have a quote from an insurance company who is willing to give me temporary car insurance for 3 months on my mums car, it works out cheaper then going on as second driver, they said i have to cancel my mums insurance but maybe that is because they wanna make money at the end of the day, my mum is saying i don't have to cancel the existing insurance but i aint sure, i just think she is worried she may not get the refund for paying for a full years insurance if she cancels... help me out guys !!?""

Cheap Car Insurance for International Drivers License holder in Canada?

I am moving to Canada in a month's time, I have an international driving license from Pakistan, which allows me to drive in Canada for 2 months, I have searched a lot but couldn't find any company facilitating any international driver's license in Ontario. can any one help please""

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I just got a 2 point violation the other day, will this raise the cost of my insurance being that I am only 20?""

How much is an occasional drivers insurance in ontario?

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How much would insurance and stuff be for a 1st time driver?

i dont plan on puttin a car on the road till i get my g2.. whts in 11 more months lol ill be 19 then. but i have to do it all on my Own and i dont make alot of money wht is why im savin up!, and nobody else in my family has a car so i can NOT go unnder any1 elses insurance. and i live in Belleville ontario. and so far the only car insurance place i seen around here is Statefarm so ill proly b goin with tht. and i plan on havin either a z24 cavalier, honda civic, neon, sunfire, or an acura, no older then 93.... sp anyone knw wht its gonna cost?, im thinkin proly around $500 a month but im not sure..""

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I currently have car insurance through State Farm and I pay $318 a month. I looked into 21 Century insurance and the quote says I will be paying about $180 a month. My current insurance expires June 11th but my next bill is due May 25th. How do I go about buying/cancelling insurance? I would like to cancel State Farm by May 20th and begin my new insurance that day so I won't have to pay those crazy premiums anymore.

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I just bought a new 2013 Ford Fiesta yesterday and only had liability on my previous 20 year old car. I am needing to get full coverage on my new vehicle and am wondering what the best rates and coverage are out there? What car insurance do you have? Is it good? I currently have AAA but am researching others. They're wanting about $100/mth. Ps: I am a 28 year old teacher with a clean driving record and live in Orange Cty, Ca.""

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can't afford state farm insurance without good student discount anyone no one i can afford without good student discount

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Harrison New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7029

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How to get maternity insurance?

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Where can i get the cheapest car insurance if im 18?

93 prelude

What is the cheapest insurance company for a teen that's on a seperate policy?

I'm getting a car in about 2 months and I just wanted to know what the cheapest insurance company would be for someone that's a new driver with their G2.

How do i buy car insurance and how do I find a insurance company that suits me (cheap)?

ok so I've seen a car I would like to buy, how do I get car insurance? should I ring a call or get insured online? Also a list of names of insurance companies would be helpful? thanks""

What a good auto insurance for a college student?

going to be my first insurance so i really wanna get a good n cheap insurance

""State farm just dropped me for poor driving history, what insurance company should i go to now?

the title says it all...Statefarm told me they would no longer insure me after my last accident. So now i need to find an insurance company that would cover me. I live in California. i drive a sports car. and my driving record isnt pretty :/

(uk only) who is the cheapest for car insurance?

im male, nearly thirty and full no claims bonus i live in manchester""

How do i get my commercial insurance license?

i am on the road becoming a insurance agent and i want all the insurance licenses possible, but i can't find any places that give commercial insurance license.""

Why did my mothers health insurance affect MY credit?

So I was extremely sick back in June of this year. The medical bills were added up to be over 500$. I am 20 years old, in college, and I do NOT have my own health insurance. I have always been on my mothers. This debt went unpaid and as I checked my credit score today, in showed that I owed the hospital and it went into collections. I have spent the past year building my score. my credit score went down 142 points because of this!!!! How does this affect my credit???? I just dont understand. I neverr signed any papers saying that i was responsible for payments. EVER.""

Why should anyone be fined for not buying health insurance?

What should someone do if he/she is unable to afford it? Also, wouldn't such a law actually hurt the people it was supposed to help?""

How much would I pay for insurance?

I am a 17 going to be 18 on October next year I am going to go and study in FL and I wanted to know about cars would buying a new one be better than an old one? how much would I pay for insurance with either new or old? I want to know exact prices to compare if it would be better to buy a new car or a used one? How much would I pay per month on the insurance?

Illegals can buy health insurance now. If they pay the premiums BCBS will sell them health insurance.?

Is that wrong of Humana and Blue Cross Blue Shield and the other Insurance companies?

Does your car insurance rate go up if you get a seat belt ticket in illinois?

""My boyfriend that has no insurance borrowed my car and got rear ended, will my insurance cover?""

I let my boyfriend take my car to go drop off his friend and he ended getting backed into by a truck and severely damaged my back bumper. Because it was on private property, the police couldn't do anything but observe us exchanging information. My boyfriend doesn't have insurance, but my car is insured. Will my insurance company be able to cover my damages, even though I was not present? This accident was the trucker's fault because he backed into my car, but this guy didn't even have an ID but the car was his family & supposedly it's insured. Please no smart remarks, I am asking because I'd appreciate some advice.""

I need some Insurance Help?

My father, just yesterday tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrist, luckily he had called the cops, but he also had to take an ambulance ride and another ambulance ride to the county hospital where he will be held for 72 hours. He does not have insurance due to his work laying him off, and him not being able to afford it. Is there any kind of insurance that will cover this kind stuff. He has been suffering from depression and high blood pressure for quite sometime, so I don't know if those are pre existing things that would stop insurance...but him and my mother cant afford this at all right now. They live in southern california, if anyone knows of some kind of insurance, please please respond!""

Do i need car insurance for a family member to teach me to drive?

I am 17 in 2 weeks and am going to start my driving lessons, along side my lessons with a licensed instructor I would like my mother to also give me some extra help like driving around quiet roads, or in a empty car park. For this I need insurance but I obviously don't want to pay full out insurance for just learning. I have heard of something called learner driver insurance would this work for what I want to do? If so do you have a link of where I could buy it or know any other way that I could legally learn to dive in the car? Thanks Josh""

My insurance quotes make no sense...?

I've been checking out some insurance quotes, I did a few thru progressive and got some weird results. First time, on a 2002 BMW M3 I got quoted $140/mo for full coverage (I'm 18, completely clean record), went back through to see if I could get the same result: got $199/mo, same information and everything. Why the change? And THEN (this is where it gets weird...) I checked my 97 Corolla (my DD/beater) and I did only that car on the quote, they wanted $240/mo. I'm really confused right now. Any advice?""

Does insurance cover a newly purchased vehicle?

I'm looking at buying a pickup truck, it's value is less than $1000. I heard that if you buy a new vehicle you have 6 - 24 Hours of coverage and in that time you would have liabality coverage is this true? As in just bought a vehicle, and am driving it back to my house from sellers house. Thanks""

Car insurance for 19 year old....?

whats the best car insurance how much would it be for me being a 19 year old, just got passed my driving test first time driver lives in L.A. what are the best car insurance companies out there for me""

How do I fight an insurance company over biased eyewitness testimony?

I was driving in a parking lot with wide lanes and perpendicular spaces when another driver backed out into my passenger side door. The other driver claimed that I was driving too fast and her insurance company is only willing to accept 75% liability for the accident, because of her statements and those of her friends. I don't have any witnesses of my own, but it seems rather unjust that they can base their decision on obviously biased witnesses. Neither the physical nor the circumstantial evidence supports their claims. I've written letters to the insurance company in response to their letter to me, but they haven't replied or made any effort to address my concerns. How do I fight them? This occurred in California.""

If my son is on my parents insurance does that mean they claim him on his taxes?

Okay my son is now 1 year old. He is on my parents insurance, we live with them, and my parents pretty much support him.(pay for all expenses).. Now my sons father wants to put him on his taxes. I know he just wants to get money to get him a new car. he also says he will get me a car too. but idk about that. When i told him i think my parents already claimed him, he started yelling its his son, and told me to give him his security card(he has a really bad temper and gets angry to where i get scared) so i did.. but now i need to sign a paper..and i dont want too.. Here is my thing i told him that he is automatically on my parents taxes, because he is on there insurance, so that would mean i would have to take aiden off of their insurance(Which means he wouldnt be on any insurance)he started yelling how stupid i am and just to sign paper, my question is is it true that because my parents have him on their insurance, he is on their taxes. What should i do? Thanks for anyhelp. Sorry long question. Please no rude answers""

Anyone no any cheap insurance companys for new young drivers ?

What is the difference between life insurance and health insurance?

Why does my dog make my homeowners policy go up !!!?

Ok ... a bit of a rant ... you people are the only ones who can relate ! Do i get a discount for the protection he provides me, my family, and the house ... noooooooooo .... but they want to raise my rate because he could bite someone someday ... {end rant}""

Harrison New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7029

""Which car would you prefer? 2006 Volkswagen rabbit, 2006 toyota corolla, or a 2006 honda civic?

which do u think would be a suitable car for a university student and cheap on insurance and gas.

Where can i get good health insurance?

i just got kicked off healthfirst with no warning so i need to find something fast please help :-)

Israelic terms on health insurance?

I had to redo an experiment by Tykocinski. She researched the impact of certain primes, one of which is health insurance. She did this study in Israel. We replicated this study in the Netherlands, but we found different results and now we need to figure out why. For this reason I would like to know: What is the word for health insurance in Hebrew and Arabic? And how would they translate 1 on 1 with the english language. Example: the Dutch word for health insurance is zorgverzekering, but if I translate the words apart from each other I get either worry insurance or care insurance (depending on the interpretation of the Dutch language) The answer to this question could help me greatly in this research!""

Can I get Car Insurance in Texas without a D-License?

Can I get car insurance without a license. I'm located in Texas. Is there ways around to do it?

What is the cheapest car to insure for a 17 year old girl?

i am looking at buying a car when i pass my test, was just wondering what would be the cheapest way to insure a car and what cars are cheap for insurance?""

Question about car insurance...?

im trying to figure out if im being ripped off by my parents. i pay $200 every month for car insurance because that's what my parents tell me it is. I got one speeding ticket for going 14 mph over the limit and in 2 minor accidents. no damage to either cars. my question is am i being ripped off? I told some people that i pay that much and they said there is no way your insurance could be that high. help me out please?

Home owner's insurance in California?

I'd like to know whether home owner's insurance is the law in California? Or, if one chooses, can one not have it, if they don't want it?""

Can i collect disability insurance?

Can i collect disability insurance? i was shot when i was 18 in the ankle and the bullit is stuck between the bone in my ankle. i have worked for a company for 10 years and quit my job two years ago to start my own business. but now as im getting older i can't stand on my leg without experiencing pain or climb up and down things like i used too can i collect disability insurance?

Car insurance for a teenage female?

i'll be turning sixteen soon and im curious as to what the average cost rate with state farm for a new driver is?

Will my insurance rise if the accident was not my fault?

i was involved in a minor car accident which took place at a drive thru and the car in front of me reversed his car, and at the speed he had applied to the gas pedal was enough impact to smash my entire hood in and damage my front bumper. I filed a claim with my insurance as soon as I got home. The following morning the insurance company of the OTHER driver contacted me and verified that he will take full responsibility therefore my repairments will be covered by his insurance. Ive been reading online relating to my question, but in my case, will my insurance rate go up? This is also my very first accident and I've been ensured for 1 year since I've been driving.""

Is it legal for the car insurance to be in a name other than person paying the monthly car payment?

My sister's husband passed in November. Their car is in both my sister's and her husband's name; however, my sister can not drive and does not have a driver's license. She wants to keep the car insurance on the vehicle, but to do that she would need to have a valid driver's license. Soooo, she has asked me to get the vehicle insurance in my name using my driver's license. My question is this: Am I in ANY way responsible for anything that happens to/in/with the car if I am not the driver? I use my car and driver's license for work and I can not have blemishes on my driving record or my criminal background""

Can you get your drivers license without any insurance?

I live in West Virginia 17 and I have had my learners for almost a year and have got all my hours so would it be OK if i got my license w/o insurance

Is landlord responsible for pool insurance?

We signed a lease that required us to take out insurance for $ 500,000 if we used the pool and planned on having guests use the pool also . They also wanted the insurance to cover themselves . When speaking to our insurer, USAA, they said our renters insurance , which included $100,000 liability, would cover us having anyone besides us use the pool or being on our property in general . The landlord was responsible for having insurance for the pool and the house to protect themselves and they told us we were not responsible for paying for insurance for the landlord . The property was in Norfolk VA . We just wanted to know if he landlord was trying to get us to pay for their share of insurance when it wasn't our responsibility and if we were right to have stuck with USAA advice .""

About how will my insurance cost?

im 17, never been arrested and have passing grades. how much would it cost me to get insurance for a 91 camaro 5.7 auto with 135,000+ miles with statefarm. parents adding me to their insurance""

How to calculate california disability insurance?

Discount car insurance by putting another name on my insurance?

I know plenty of people the same age as me, 19 who have put another persons name on their car insurance eg. family or friends so its cheaper due to the other persons experiance, my mum passed her test when she was 21 but has never drove a car or owned a car herself since... so would putting her name on my insurance be pointless.???""

Insurance For Car (New Teen Boy Driver)?

Whats the cheapest way to insure a car while still getting great coverage in case of accidents. I'm getting my license soon and I was wondering whats the cheapest choices for insurance. I heard I can be placed under my parent's account? I also heard that if i pay insurance under my own thing its like 2000... I live in california and i have great grades (if that helps).any insight would be appreciated :)

How do you value a damaged tree for insurance purposes?

Long story short, a guy ran his car off the road into my front yard and hit a tree. The tree is a complete loss. He has insurance (thank god!). How much should I expect to receive from the insurance company for the value of the tree? The tree is a mature Blue Spruce. It was about 20-25 feet tall, had an 8-10 inch trunk, and a spread at the base of about 15 feet or so. I know that I should at least be entitled to the cost of removing the tree/debris and planting a new tree. But you cant really plant a 25 foot Blue Spruce! So, the problem I am having is determining what value should I be entitled to considering the maturity of the tree? Who can I call to get an appraisal? Other info: I live in a subdivision of custom brick homes on a large lot (about 1 acre) and my home is worth about $275k. The tree sat on the edge of my property in the front yard in a group of two trees (the other one was slightly damaged also, but can probably be salvaged) that provide some shading from the neighbor and the road. Obviously, the amount of shading is now reduced and the aesthetics of the group of two trees is messed up to the point that I am considering just removing both trees.""

Why does car insurance keep increasing every year?

I got USAA when I was in the military and it seems every year my car insurance rates go up by about $10. I have had the same car the whole time, no accidents and barely ever drive it. Is it normal for car insurance to keep going up like that even though me and my car are getting older?""

Anyone know the best insurance companies for young drivers?

I know obviously insurance for the young is gonna get rocket high anyway compared to older people for the same old 'statistical' reasons as always although I don't intentionally drive like an idiot or least intend never to and I do take safety as a big priority and everything, I've passed my test just over 2 years ago with a clean license but still find insurance even for my micra (1 litre 1994 M Reg) costing me a minimum average of 1000 annually, and just below a grand like 900-950ish is roughly the best I've got for my micra from directline but wondering if anyone would know anyone better cost wise? Also why is there so much discrimination against young/new drivers when its actually only the small minority who take the worse of risks and drive like w*****s making it sky high expensive for the rest of us, I can understand it may be statistic but unless u actualy do drive like a so and so I don't see why 'everyone' should be punished with rip off premiums for the sake of the minority number of idiots""

When to get health insurance for your newborn?

I am in my first trimester and just wondering when do I need to get health insurance for my newborn-the health insurance is United Healthcare and offered through my job

Getting insurance on a bike?

I plan on getting a motorcycle near the end of February. I have never bought a motor vehicle before, so I'm not really sure about how I go about getting insurance. I plan on getting something used from Craigslist (most likely 2008 or newer Ninja 250/300), then either having the owner ride it to my home before I pay, or taking it in a truck or something. What do I do after that? How do I insure the bike? I will probably get Progressive. Also is full coverage worth the extra money, or should I stick with liability? I'm 17 years old so it will be more expensive for me than for others. I live in California by the way. Thanks!""

Where is the cheapest insurance in Michigan?

I'm an 18 year old driver, that hasn't been driving for long. I drive a 1999 Cavalier base model coupe. I also pay almost 300 a month for insurance through liberty mutual... Is there anywhere that insures young drivers for cheaper than that? I really cant afford 300 a month, plus 100 for a car payment, not to mention gas and repairs....""

Who actually has health insurance?

Just about everyone I know doesn't have health insurance. This sounds pretty bad. Who actually has health insurance?

Do you need insurance to drive a motorcycle?

and at what cc is considered a motorcycle? do u need any kind of insurance? i know u need a license i live in gainesville fl where do i get class for one?

Harrison New Jersey Cheap car insurance quotes zip 7029

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