#but its literally an acceptable boundary to have and again straight people dont have to like. consider something like that

[cruelsister-moved2]

almost every Gay Debate amounts to like people who’ve experienced extremes on one side unaware of the existence of an equally bad extreme on the other side & therefore unaware that what they actually want is balance and common sense in general rather than a certain Stance to one side or the other but anyway. it is FINE to not want to date someone who isn’t out. it is never okay to expect or demand someone else come out on your behalf, but your partner not being out impacts you as well, and impacts your relationship, and not everyone handles that well and not everyone wants to. as with EVERY other relationship boundary its just a case of drawing a line that looks like “this is not something I want for myself right now so if that’s where you’re at i’m not going to pursue this relationship” rather than an ultimatum that demands the person obliges ur needs

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Improvement, Realization & Self Destruction

I actually talked about this a lot, especially in here before but anyway, here we go.

First, i am gonna start with this one.

I think Fruits Basket another is bad. Because characters are not their own characters, they are meant to be mirror of their parents. They literally have same faces (worst ones aree Rin and Haru's chilren cause even though Rin and Haru are couple, their same version is siblings which is weird). Honestly, noone really care about their children, readers care about actual characters of Fruits Basket. Yes, its good to see their children being happy and all but even that, its for actual characters.

Not only we dont see the characters we actually want to see and story seems like an extra version of original one. Main character just like Tohru, zodiac children are just like zodiac members, except main male character is Akito's son so we kinda see AkiTohru couple in a way, straight version : )) because author wouldnt do GL, i guess.

And curse was supposed to end in Fruits Basket's ending but we still see cycle continues with Akito and her son. Even Kyo (his son said). They are still doing that banquet thing every year which is too unnecessary. And Sohma people dont seem to change at all.

Now, i actually think same about Fruits Basket's ending and Fruits Basket Another. There are so many issues with this series but now lets look at Akito and how she dealt with cycle of abuse in Furuba Another;

Only good part of Fruits Basket another is we can see how much Akito shows remorse, she literally shows every sign of someone who feels guilty for her actions.

- Accepting that she did something wrong;

She mentions openly admits that she hurted Kureno and zodiac

- Apologising or feeling too sorry to apologise

We see Akito's saying sorry to Kureno at hospital and later, when she mets with zodiac, she cant even look at their faces, feeling awkward with them

- Making sure that same things never happen again;

She doesnt only break Kyo free, she also destroy cat house at the end of Fruits Basket so noone will ever have to experience this. She also breaks the curse by her own hands, letting them go which is very brave behavour, especially for someone who have a fear of abandonment.

And here in Furuba Another;

- We see that she respect zodiac's boundaries, whenever they come to the place, she left so that they wont feel uncomfortable by her presence. Believe or not, you will hardly ever see anyone do this. Because many abusers, many OLD abusers, even they change, they wont pay attention to those details. They wont think or care how much people they hurted might be triggered by their existence. But the fact that Akito (EVEN AFTER 20 YEARS) still think about their well beings, the possibility of they might feel upset about her presence even though she desperately wanted to join banquest all this time....its just shows how much Akito cares, its definitely sign of someone who changed.

- We also see how comfortable and peacefull zodiac's children about head of family Akito. You can see that Akito is respected, not feared, by even children. If Akito was violent or toxic in any way, children would feel uncomfortable about her but no, they dont because Akito is far away from being toxic and violent. She is an adult whom even children can rely one, they respect.

- We also see that she became a very good mother, even though she didnt have a good mother at all. You can say that she is her son's hero in a way. Look at how much boy is fond of her. Because his mother is kind and lovely person.

- And again, the fact that zodiac members or even their children come here in a while shows that this place is better than before. Because Akito changed this. She tries to change the system, breaking the cycle of abuse.

Basically, Akito clearly feel remorse for her past actions and she takes responsiblity and she changes things for better.

But at the same time, she kinda fails because she might have self realization of that she hurted people but exacly because of this, Akito unable to see herself as good person or someone who deserves to be happy anymore. Lack of self love, lack of self worth, you can see it in her actions.

Basically, Akito didnt change really. Yes, she doesnt hurt others anymore, instead, she hurts herself : )))).

- At least, she would defend herself at past, now she doesnt. She could've fight against Ren, if she wanted but she doesnt and instead, she let her abusive mother stab her in front of her son and says 'i deserve this'. whic his pretty much suicidal and self destructive behavour.

Cycle of abuse happen with the idea of 'someone deserves to get hurted'. People who have black and white worldview would see what happens to Akito as 'punishment' or 'karma', even though, this just abuse and this is what we call justifying abuse. Akito is justifying the abuse she endured because she is unable to see herself as good person.

This is exactly the reason why Akgure happenned. 'We deserves each other'. We both toxic, we both bad so we should be together'. This kind of mindset literally destroy the idea of change.

No wonder Akito left the Kureno whom she thought as good and turn back to toxicrelationship as ‘punishment’ in a way. Lol, i dont care what anyone ever say but her feelings for Kureno seems to be more similar to love than she ever felt for anyone. It pure feeling. The way she talked about him is also similar to the way Kyo talked about Tohru : )). I dont ship Kureno x Akito but i am saying that its thousand times better than her ending because they both realized things because they BOTH HAD MISTAKES IN THIS RELATIONSHIP and could work on it but autor said no. Maybe because ‘Kureno is good guy, Akito is bad girl’ so Akito doesnt deserve him? Haha LOL. This is what happens when yo unever adress your ‘good character’s flaws.

As if Akito cant ever change, no matter how good she become, she will still be bad because....ummm.... oh yeah...thats what this society says. Instead of adressing the problems of this toxic relationship or any problem, Akito takes all blame of everything.

Because of this, every other character literally gets away with everything. All those people who are part of system, who groomed Akito since her young age, people who abuse her and zodiac members, they all harass Akito and noone do anything about it.

We also could see Akito’s working hard in orginal story too. She didnt need to be mother realy, we could see her getting along with children at the end of Fuits basket. Her breaking the curse and destroying the cat house was one of the powerfull things Akito ever did in this story. We could her feeling guilty in a thousand ways possible, we could see her change more, if author didnt rushed the ending. Basically fruits basket another was unnecessary and sucks.

Akito's character arc was supposed to be about her finally breaking free from her father's legacy but she still live with legacy anyway. She continues to be head of family and never really having a life outside of it.

Akito's character arc was supposed to be about moving on and ending 'eternity' but she stays at that sohma hell and suffering, her son literally calls his mother suffering as eternity, that she will suffer forever, it will never end.

Akito's character arc was supposed to be about being her own person and meeting with new people and instead, she still goes back to toxic relationship with a guy who only loved her cause of some stupid dream, who abused her but never feel gilty about it, who groomed her, who literally calls her as CURSE for LOVING HER.(More details of why this relationship is horrible in here.)

Because? Because Akito is horrible and everything is her fault, lets not think any further? Like wth?

Yeah its cheap and weak writing. You may ask why people dont have empathy and why they cant accept her change.

Because people have black white world view, main character Tohru who is perfectly pure, never did anthing wrong and antagonist made mistakes so she will have to suffer forever for it.

In Fruits basket, good characters mistakes arent adressed because people and probably author, they think if we talk about someone's misakes of flaws, they afraid that we see them as bad guys for some reason.

*Sigh*

Being good person is not never making mistakes. Its adressing your flaws, your mistakes and changing it for good. Treating people who made mistakes as if they will be unpure and bad forever is literally same as saying 'there is no such a thign as change'. Its hyporacy. Because everyone make mistakes but many people view theirselves pure and good, this is why they relate to Tohru and other 'good' characters more, this is why some people wonder they are weird for liking Akito. After all, story rebelled her as bad because she did something wrong so she forever has to suffer for it.

Fruits Basket is old story, its full of traditional toxic thoughts and this is what author thinks too. Stor clearly portrays victims as good and bad. Some idolized victim. Main character is treated as naive, stupid for having empathy ??

For example, i am personally nowhere near as Tohru. I am not people-pleasure or perfect hero. I am just ordinay person but i still felt when Tohru said Akito looked so pure when she cried, it was hearthbreaking. I understood exactly what she meant. Me as DECENT PERSON. I felt that. Because having trauma and doing wrong things didnt erase the pureness Akito has. She is still that child who wanted to be loved. And if Akito was real and she asked me why i helped her, i would hug her and say 'of course, its ONLY NATURAL TO HELP SOMEONE WHO NEEDED HELP' Akito deserves that help cause she was victim. We dont need stories that idolising heroes, we need stories that normalising helping people. Having empathy is not weird, its humanity. This is normal.

This is exactly why she should've get out of that place, finding her own dreams and making healthy relationship. She deserves to be loved by someone who will love her as her own person. She is not monster or toxic bad girl. She is capable of being more than this. She is kind and someone who will accept her mistakes. She is kind of person who will take responsiblity.

I think author or many readers dont understand what change really means thats why they see Akito's ending as justice, 'she deserve this kind of relationship', in a way you all say she deserves to have bad treatment and suffering which is the mindset of making cycle of abuse continue. Because people dont see theirselves when they look at Akito, they see people who hurted them and they want them to suffer. After all, seing yourself as Akito would mean seeing your own reflections, your dark feelings, you would have to adress your own flaws so its easy to just treat her as bad guy.

The psychological effects of guilt can be beneficial when they inspire a person to make changes in their behavior. But at other times they can cause distress. Research has shown that guilt and depression are often linked, for example. Research also suggests that anxiety, as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), can be related to feelings of guilt or shame.

When a person can’t fix a mistake, guilt can persist until they have the chance to make amends. Guilt resulting from an action that can’t be repaired, such as when a person feels they indirectly caused another’s death, can have a lasting, negative impact on life. Therapy can often help a person address these emotions and reframe their feelings about what happened. (source)

People who did something wrong most of the times tend to hurt theirselves cause of all that remorse and we help them with therapy. They need to move on from past too after all, not just the people they hurted, dont need to mention that Akito was victim all along and its hardly ever adressed....ooof.

Unfortutanetly Fruits basket isnt a story that moved on from those toxic traditional beliefs. (Some criticism about story in here.) Akito was always a character who doesnt self worth or self love, she was also very self neglective. Only thing changed about her is she stopped being destructive, had some realization but just being more self destructive. She still doesnt have any self love and self worth, if she had one, she wouldnt justify actions of people who hurts her. My girl deserves better.

But anyway.

I gave Akito a better ending in here. She gets teraphy, she is happy.

Sohma Akito is well written character, actually there are many good and itneresting things about this series and characters but yknow, there are so many unadressed problems, so many toxic tropes and its full of traditional toxic belifes. So its a shame really. Yknow, if there is something worse than 'bad show', that is a show that had potential but wasted and thats how i view this story and everything about it too.

[skythief]

Analyzing Sheith, with a dash of discourse.

unoriginaltoast

replied to your post

“Cordially inviting any and all anti’s to come at me bro Whether it be...”

Can I just add, that many antis throw around the word "pedophilia" and first of all, that's a disgusting accusation to make of someone imagining FICTIONAL characters in a relationship. And second, it does not apply. Like the literal definition does not apply. Would a 25 year old with a 17 year old be cool IRL? Probably not but it's not pedophilia and it's also FUCKING FICTION JFC. God I wish I had the time to worry about what fictional characters people shipped.

Sorry for that brick I just have been wanting to say that for so long, hope you have a spectacular, wonderful, idiot free day <3

You may definitely add that. I certainly forgot to. 

It really depends heavily on context for that 17-25 thing. It depends on the relationship and maturity levels of the two people in question. I know there are 25 year olds that are still running around this site screaming about “problematic ships” like its the fucking plague. And then there are people in my life who grew up in drug houses, who struggle because their families entire line of poor credit, bad choices, substance abuse and felonies makes it nearly impossible for them to get jobs and basic debit/credit cards, who dug around in dumpsters for food during their childhood-- and you can bet they grew up incredibly fast, and incredibly hard. 

Biology plays a part in it to a degree too-Female brains tend to fully develop ages 16-25? (dont cite me on this, im just going off of memory) and for male brains I think they finish developing around like, 18/22-30??? I’d have to look it up again, but you get my point.

Theres a lot of factors that go into play- The maturity levels of the individuals themselves, and the actually Nature of the relationship itself, I think.

Lets take Sheith, for example. 

We have seen maturity and selflessness exhibited in both individuals; Both of them have had to go through very hard experiences; Keith being an orphan with abandonment issues, yet still carries some incredibly strong morals and a fierce love for people and a desire to protect others.; Shiro has been enslaved, amputated and experimented upon, and forced to perform in bloody, gruesome, arena’s. He’s been through Hell, and still he has retained a sense of calm, patience, and compassion. 

So we know from this that they’re both plenty mature enough-- But what about the nature of their relationship?

Honestly I think this one of the most healthy ships out there for the sheer amount of love and compassion and respect between the two, even without picking apart just how well they compliment each other. 

Again, starting with Keith; This is a highly individualized person that does not like authority. He’s not going to want to feel like he has to explain himself to anyone or meet anyones arbitrary standards; Does not like, and possibly feels threatened by rules and restrictions as that threatens his ability to do his own thing. He makes his own rules for himself and his own personal values to which he will adhere strictly. He’s intelligent, but it’s shown and seen through his actions-- Not explained through word of mouth, and most likely never will be. Trust and abandonment issues, as well as his orphaning, may lead him to difficulties communicating with others, being vulnerable, and expressing emotions or showing weakness, making him a very secretive, private person, that most likely finds both comfort and fear in Isolation. Comfort, because no one can hurt you, and you can sort everything out yourself and have complete control when you’re alone; Fear, because it’s very easy to keep isolating yourself and never stop, even though you want, like, and need people in your life, but may be hesitant to go to them for fear of getting hurt or abandoned, especially if you reveal your softer, more unprotected sides. Keith, as a character, may even be scared of his feelings. 

One of these belongs to every paladin okay, thats all I’m sayin’. 

In conclusion, Keith is a very private, lonely person with a history of trust issues stemming from abandonment and a dislike for authority, making him not the easiest person to get along with.  He needs someone who will have the patience and respect that will allow Keith to open himself up to them on his own highly secretive terms, someone who is open minded, patient, and understanding, in order to understand someone as rare and unconventional as Keith (He’s not exactly going to come with an owners manual or introductory pamphlet y’know?). He needs to feel safe, comfortable, and not judged by a person in order to place so much trust, value, safety and security with them. If someone tries inauthentic, underhanded, or forceful means of manipulating someone like Keith into anything, you know Keith won’t be having it. 

Shiro is kind of the epitome of all of these traits, and we don’t just see him using them to understand Keith, but we see him using them to understand other members of his team as well (like Pidge or Allura). Once Shiro has a good understanding of someone, he waits until an appropriate, non-threatening time arises in order to build his team members up, give them advice, solace, or whatever he thinks they may need that he can give them. He uses a very open, friendly, safe, respectful and non-threatening communication style in order to build up people around him; This is an incredibly rare and beautiful kind of person, imo, at least in Shiro’s case, because we can see how very dedicated he is to doing this, and that he makes it one of his biggest priorities. 

This makes him pretty great for Keith, but there are plenty of reasons why Keith is great for Shiro too.

From episode one, from Keiths very introductory sequence, we see him caring, for and sacrificing for Shiro-- Going out of his way to make sure Shiro is safe at all times, or backing him up; Whether it be in or out of Voltron, Keith is literally Shiro’s right hand man. Keiths love for Shiro is very similar for Shiros’ love for Keith;  It is a respectful, kind, and appreciative, thankful kind of love. It is built on and never runs out of trust, and only seeks to lift the other up, and make sure the other is okay, without breaching any boundaries. 

Shiro, from his iron devotion and love for others, strikes me as the type of person that forgets to take care of himself, in lieu of others and their importance, valuing it over his own. Keith, being a very confident, straight forward, and protective person, is perfect for Shiro in that he can and will make sure Shiro does get the self-care he needs, but without threatening or stomping upon Shiros virtues, or his mission. Shiro, for all his dad-jokes and stereotypes, honestly might need the child harness more than Keith does for his sheer scary-levels of willingness to sacrifice himself, like he means nothing- Or at the very least, nothing in comparison to others. Shiro, just like Keith, doesn’t know when to stop and take a break if others don’t make him/tell him too. And even then, Shiro might not understand or believe it, simply because war and soldier-trauma is like this. 

Shiro needs someone who is confident, straight forward, and strong enough to take care of Shiro as Shiro takes care of others. He needs someone who will be considerate and kind to him when no one thinks to be, or knows to be. He needs someone who will keep a close eye on him and watch and listen for when he’s breaking, when he needs help, whether he knows it or not-- He needs someone who will be aware of just how much Shiro himself may not know it too. And he needs someone who will do this genuinely, authentically, respectfully, and patiently. Issues like these are incredibly painful for both parties to go through, and they may never heal. A spouse who deals with this may have to come to accept this as never-changing, and to do that... Takes so much genuine love and self-sacrifice? It’s both heart-wrenching and beautiful, as it is a gruesome reality. It’s not sexy, cute, or fun-- It’ cold and it’s harsh and to persevere in your attentive care of someone in spite of such hard issues, especially when coupled with things like PTSD, is about as Real as you can get.

The reason Keith fits this bill perfectly? Is because we already see him doing this for Shiro in canon. 

We see it in anytime Keith flings himself into action in order to save shiro, whether it’s well-thought out or not. We see it in his respect, adherence, and boundaries. We see it in how he trusts Shiro to keep throwing himself into battle and come back to him, amidst a respectful but attentive observance of his person, his space, his wishes and his safety. In Keith we see he’s developed his own very deep and respectful understanding of Shiro and how he works, just as Shiro has developed an understanding of Keith-- they both know each others strengths and weaknesses, and give each other trust and patience. 

Like, I really can’t think of a more healthy relationship yo. Fuck ages man, these two are good for each other, these two honestly keep each other sane and safe, and uplift the other, they have a rock solid understanding of the other, and their wants, needs, strengths and weaknesses, and they communicate in succinct, blunt, non-threatening ways build on trust. Even if they disagree or say harsh things to each other (Like Shiro reprimanding Keith for reprimanding Pidge, “That’s not how a team works.”, or giving him criticism. Or Keith pleading with Shiro in his BOM-nightmares.), they do not stay mad or hold grudges, which tells me that they never assume bad intent of the other either, even though it would be very easy to. 

My god like theres so much healthy shit in this ship it’s actually hard to cover everything, they both exhibit so much. 

Overall I really think like the last thing I’m worried about with these two is fucking AGE y’know? Clearly theyre mature enough to take care of each other; Does anyone really think either of these people would abuse the other? Because I certainly don’t. It wouldn’t just be wrong, it’d be completely out of character. Keith and Shiro simply care, value, and love each other too much for that. 

Feel free to add to this, if you’d like.

[leo-k-102105]

i’ll type it out for people to understand better…

*christina is my stepmother

*This is like all my thoughts just going bleh lol so there is like no structure lol its long too

Christina is so freaking irritating. like she has no sort of boundaries at all.

My mother “claims she supports me” but she hasn’t said anything/used my pronouns at all. Even when i try to correct her she either is like “whatever” or she completely ignores me correcting her. My father and his wife (Christina) are a whole other level of homophobic/transphobic. (another story lol) so like my father just completely ignores my existence and he and his wife don’t care at all that i just cant handle their homophobia/transphobia/political church and how loud it is. Last time i was in there for the music, I literally ran out crying after legit 3-5 minutes because I can’t handle it. At least my mother actually cares about that part. Both my parents also still think that me being trans is “still a phase” (mother) after a whole freaking year lmao and that “you need straight friends” (father) since apparently the friends at my fathers church are like non-existent lmfao. And my mother pretty much said that I have to get over the trauma i have from HER EX HUSBAND for her to believe me. like bffr. He is a whole other story lmao. She also claim that she “still misses her Isabelle” (my deadname) and she also claims that she has been so supportive of me and that i was just mad out of spite. like 😑 and that i’m “like this to fit in” and that i’m “just a tomboy”. She brought up a friend of hers that was a female and that was a tomboy like 🙄 idgaf. my father then brought up religion and said that “he never raised us to be like this and he doesn’t believe it is right” lmao. Then the vid i apparently sent my mother mentioned suìçide (i’m not suicidal) and that i told her that and she said she loves me and nothing would change that and im confused becuz she like barely shows me that (my father never does) which is true and i told her i felt alone (and still do a whole year later).

Recap: My mother “claims” that she supports me and loves me w/ no evidence and my father and his wife are extremely religious, homophobic/transphobic assholes, and i’ve felt extremely alone w/ no one to talk to in-person because everyone seems to have their own opinions on my issue. ✨Life is AmAzInG✨——————————————

Why i feel alone 24/7

Still dealing w/ the trauma from my mothers ex (i still haven’t forgiven anyone for it)

I’ve been out to my parents for a year and them not accepting me

My mother outed me to my father w/o my permission

dealing with my eating disorder again. by myself. again.

Avoiding my father and his house in general “like the plague” according to my mother lmao (its true lol)

3 family members died within a month (one died this afternoon) and i’m scared that my father will die. Everyone on both sides of my fam have health problems.

my fathers wife used it against me. at church. to try and get me to go into the sanctuary with her. like fuck off. i didnt go obvi lol

my father and his wife think i’m faking literally everything

My mother still refuses to use my pronouns (even w/ reminders)

Parents still don’t believe me that i’m trans after a whole freaking year.

Christina (attempts) to guilt trip me 24/7

————————————

she legit said that i’m going to go chain smoke at church and thats why i couldn’t have coffee (i died) she makes legit no sense. i’m not even a smoker.

She said i would get no screen time if i dont go inthe sanctuary with her to “worship” when she clearly knows i’ll just cry when i get in there.

her and my father refuse me ear plugs because they think its disrespectful (they think that about everything)

her toxic behavior is getting out of hand at this point. Literally her own sister said that she would get me to hang out to save me from my fathers house.

—————————————

mother always keeps bringing up the past.

my mother questions why i havent gotten over the trauma she caused.

she constantly belittles my trauma over hers then she goes and talks about her. like 🖕🏻

I kept telling her that i needed to go to a hospital months before i tried 💀

I have no idea what to do about christina. she is becoming more controlling than ever.

I still have many flashback and the last panic attack i had was legit today (3/21/23)

Physical and Emotional abuse at 7-9 urs old rlly messed me up. 7 1/2 yrs later (i’m 17 now) and i am still dealing w/ the after affects of a fucking grown ass man who was supposed to protect me but decided to legit mentally torture me.

ik i rlly hate my father, but he is still my father at the end of the day. w/ all the deaths, i’m worried abt his health. He’s had health problems since i was a kid. he is kow in his 40’s. and i’m scared about him dying. idk how i would react if he did die.

rant lol i wrote this at like 11 pm

[rosefromc0ncret3]

been feeling really tense this past month and its been hard for me to pinpoint exactly why I feel the way that I do. to start off my post on a good note tho, I finished my first year of grad school and I cant believe how fast time has gone since then. I still remember when I got in and I really cant believe how things have just been go go go since then. im wondering what my next move will be.. deciding if im gonna stay home or move. im scared. I know I want to move out, but im wondering what it’ll be like when I step out there and see what its really like to live on my own. ive been wanting this forever and now that I may have the opportunity, im afraid to take that step. I know it’ll be good for my growth. and a part of me feels so stuck here sometimes. like feeling stagnant even tho im doing a lot. I guess lately thats how ive been feeling? not really sure which direction to go in life and there's so much happening but nothing happening at the same time.. how can that be.. its really been a while since ive journaled and im hoping that I'll feel better by the end of this. thinking a lot about how I just think too much lol. I wish I could just let things be. I find myself getting so mad and annoyed over the little things, which could be said that that always happens anyway. but I really find myself wanting to take that space for myself and be alone so I dont take it out on anyone. or just let myself feel these emotions without having to think so critical about them. I know I should just let my emotions be and not find a whole theory behind them. sometimes its necessary, but its also important to differentiate when I need to figure out my emotions and when I should just let myself be. Im back to work in person now and its sucha ambivalent feeling. ive been wanting to be back in person cuz I know how much easier it would be, but im also scared for my health and its been so long since ive been in the office and its hard to just get back into it and be so go go go. im scared that I won't be able to do my job effectively anymore. plus, being around hella people again physically after a period of time makes me feel anxious. I guess thats why ive been super sensitive to things lately too? especially since ive just been at home alll this time. granted ive been super sensitive to everything during this time. I hope I can just let myself be. I keep saying that throughout this whole post but its all I really want for myself. I want to be able to feel my emotions without feeling guilty for them. I want to provide myself a space to just be alone in solitude and not feel guilty for that either. I want everything to fall into place the way I want it to be.. lol but I know that cant always be the case. im just hoping that things work out for me. I hate feeling so tense all the time. I hate feeling so on edge and feeling so triggered by every little thing. im trying my best to navigate it tho and trying to find ways to take care of myself. which looks different every day really. missing my therapist extra lately cuz Im experiencing such heavy emotions again and I wish I could talk about it with her and help me get my head straight. and feel capable and empowered to take on my world. sigh. I know I truly have to believe in it myself tho. been listening to music a lot lately and been going on my walks. tryna find ways to stay active. hoping I can still find ways to stay active this summer despite being back in person for work. hoping I can find ways to just take care of myself especially when transitioning being back in person. sigh. lol. I find myself wanting to keep these thoughts to myself a lot, or actually being careful with who I tell this shit too cuz I know not everyone wants to be drained out by it. been reflecting a lot on my friendships with people, which is honestly another theme of this year. I feel like I used to hella hold onto people because I just wanted them to remain close. I wanted to have a lot of friends and feel like every single person in my life needed a special role in my life, when in reality, it really doesn't have to be like that. and its not realistic either. been thinking and reflecting on the people in my life and how I dont have to overanalyze every single detail of their being in my life. they could really just be there. and the special people in my life I can hold onto. and I know my gut feeling will always tell me who is sticking around. along with how my body responds to them. I know the people who truly matter will not make me feel guilty for setting boundaries and wanting the time to just be there for myself and let myself feel my own emotions. as time goes on, I realize that the people I once needed and felt so lucky to have in my life can also dwindle as time goes on. and that also changes for the different people in my life. and thats okay. I used to feel so sad about it and I guess I still get really sad about it. and im in the process of just trying to let that shit go. cuz there's really no point in hella holding onto it. when there's no solution to it. and there's no need to yearn for the past when its just there. I know I can just cherish what I had with them and learn how to move on from it while still being present in the moment. sigh. what a trip. im not sure if these are just emotions about going back to work, but I feel a bit restless and feel meh. idk if its because its been two years of me working there now and maybe im just getting comfortable? granted, I know I won't be working here forever and this is def a stepping stone in my career. I guess there are days where I just feel like im watching the clock tick. I love being with my students and teaching the content with them, but it just starts to feel like any other day sometimes. sigh lol. another sigh. grateful to be in school tho and learn everything that I need to excel in my future career. im not sure what the future holds for me in terms of that area in my life, but im feeling hopeful! I think as long as I keep working with youth, I’ll be happy. and I know I should just focus on that and enjoy it in the meantime before I get to that graduating point in my life.. which is literally a year from now lol. sigh. I hope I can continue to have this mindset moving forward. I hope I can learn to just accept being in the moment and focus on things that make me happy. and def listen to my own intuition more and know when I need time to myself but also know when I need to reach out for support. hoping for abundance and good fortune in my future, for me and my family. hoping we can move forward in confidence even when faced with struggles and just know in our hearts that everything will be okay. right now, I feel a bit lighter. and I truly believe deep down in my heart that everything will be okay. sigh (a good one this time).

[sn0tcl0wn]

long rant but bare with me because all of this needs to be said and not enough people are looking at this from the kind of pov i have:

i support physical affection among friends but if youre with someone and that person is uncomfortable about you getting super close and physically intimate with others you should try to tone it down and work with them some. people who've been cheated on or abused will see that as a red flag or feel gross about it. boundries in relationships also involve how people outside of the relationship are treated. some people are fine with their s/o's straight up fucking other people while others cant bare the thought of their s/o curling up with anyone but them. and this isnt about jealousy or anything, though that feeling does occur and is perfectly natural. what i'm talking about is the fact that you can make a person drop into a depressive episode if you do certain things. you need to talk about boundries and personal needs. are you a huggy person who literally needs to cuddle and be physically intimate with your friends? then make a point of that and don't get shocked if the person youre with isnt okay with that because not everyone is.

i personally can't understand why people would want to be touched by others who aren't that close but that's just me and a product of my hardships meaning i'm gonna prefer being with someone who is more exclusive about who they snuggle. and thats all fine and dandy because i'm not using it as a reason to blow up on anyone or being grossly jealous, im just uncomfy and not okay with it. on the flip side plenty of people think i'm all kinds of fucked up because i won't even let people who've known me for years get more than a simple hug or fistbumps and shit. but the only time people who like/need physically affectionate are in the wrong is when they try to force it. unfortunately physically affectionate people tend to be more pushy about it and quicker to pressure their s/o's to be okay with that stuff without even explaining if or why they need it, they'll just tell people like me to open up and get over it and to stop being rude. and it ends up isolating a lot of us in all of our relationships ranging from familial or romantic to platonic.

if you're with someone, go over your physical needs beyond sex and within the confines of your relationship. don't be with anyone who tries to control you but also dont assume every person who says "i'm uncomfortable with how much physical affection you were expressing with your friends" and asks you to tone it down some is being toxic and abusive. i don't want to control anyone but i do want to feel secure and loved in my relationship and when my s/o is sharing beds and getting kissy and Too Close with other people and we've established our relationship is monogamous, i'm gonna feel gross about it when it happens and even grosser if my discomfort is played off for laughs or i'm being called a shitty boyfriend for my feelings on the matter.

again, i encourage physical affection between friends but i also encourage the normalization of people who dont want to be touched and those who are selective about it. and that isnt normal at all in society. my discomfort with physical contact extends to family and even people i'm dating as there are some things, no matter how sweet they might seem, that i Do Not like or want. and i'm seen as an asshole for that. i'm a jealous dickhead and an emotionally distant bastard to people who feel that physical touch is mandatory in the situation and/or something they're entitled to.

we should normalize boundries before we even think about pushing heavy platonic affection because a lot of touch starved people out there with no boundries outside of "i cant do that because its not generally accepable to show that level of affection" are gonna go buckwild and make people like me super uncomfortable and ashamed. i know because i've been thrown into situations with physically affectionate friend groups. like legit last month or w/e i was literally forced to allow someone to give me a back rub because "it's what we do here :)" and everytime i'm with that group i'm pressured into giving hugs and shit. and when i tried to explain that i dont like that and actually value my alone time and dont usually have the energy for all that everyone in the room, including my best friend who KNOWS me, insisted that my way of living isn't healthy and i need to be around more people and let others touch me more. they didnt care when i mentioned abuse or the fact that i'm open about being in cult like atmospheres where i was forced to hug and allow adults to touch me or otherwise be punished. they didnt care when i said i have sensory issues. and when they realized i wouldnt let up on it, rather than respecting my boundaries, they chose to kick it into overdrive to "help" me. unfortunately i, like many in my situation, am prone to freezing up and/or simply accepting my fate due to years of that gross ass shit making me used to it. i dont enjoy it by any means a good 9/10 times but people who feel that physical affection is a right they're entitled to in a friendship will never notice. they wont notice when you tense up or feel physically ill when you're being touched or seeing your s/o get snuggly with people you hardly know. and if they do notice they take it personally and you're the asshole for having the audacity to try and establish boundaries or get uncomfortable when you feel those lines are crossed.

we're all touch starved sooner or later and i'm constantly feeling that way but that doesn't mean i want to go around hugging and kissing my friends. i personally LIKE reserving those things for special people i'm super comfortable with because otherwise i feel gross, dirty, and weird. and yeah that cuts my chances of getting a nice hug a lot because i keep that number of people small. but i'd rather feel safe and clean than put myself in situations where i'm touched by people i Dont Know Like That. and we need to normalize that just as much as we need to normalize physical affection amongst friends.

[jeju-tangerine]

still upset and thinking about this actually. im just kinda dumbfounded by the cruelty. idk maybe i was lucky enough to have a rather Woke class in high school but this is just so stunningly and obviously mean. absolutely disgusted by the amount of people that got mad at me (and the way they did). and i really dont understand how they can possibly think im the one in the wrong here, when theyre saying shit like "you can tell he likes it in the ass" or "hes not JUST gay, hes has bottom energy xd" about a professor who never consented to any of that and is just doing his job, and happens to also be gay. truly dont understand how they can think these are acceptable comments to make about a literal stranger just doing his fucking job, and why they think them being queer makes it okay. its different to say this to your friends whose boundaries you know vs about a guy you just met, with whom youre supposed to have a professional/educational relationship with, behind his back. im disgusted and extremely hurt. wasnt expecting to once again get shunned for speaking up against straight up bullying and yet here we are, this time in uni somehow and not primary school.

got essentially bullied off of my uni groupchat today bc i dared to ask them to stop making sexually explicit and homophobic jokes about a professor which theyve been justifying by the fact that theyre gay too 😌