#but its hard. and im an only child so i feel like im mourning alone.

[despite-everything]

in such a fucking weird mood. it’s my mom’s birthday, and the one-year anniversary of the last time i willingly spoke to her. i feel this crushing guilt for not giving her a gift or sending her a note, but i have to hold this boundary or else i’ll hate myself and feel even worse. it’s fucking hard

[one-annon]

2. orderlyshipping!!!!! typical hallway crush idea you love so much. maybe a little zep imagination moment :3 im giving you freedom there

"That's pretty punk."

-- SHEPARD "ZEP" HINDLE X DAVID RADFORD - ORDERLYSHIPPING

--

part two of the razzle dazzle series! i really need to get these out faster this is like 80% zep angst and 20% orderlyshipping my bad i also like did not follow the prompt but we talked about it HAHHA

shepard always had a habit of biting his nails. it wasnt something he was aware he was doing half the time, it was pure instinct by this point. he had started wearing medical gloves around work so he wouldnt be gnawing his fingers while he was checking in, it was just a sanitary precaution. he didnt want his patients to get the wrong idea or anything. he seemed to care more about his patients than other people.

usually, with his patients, he was working in the oncology section. he was mostly helping out doctor gordon where he needed him, but today, since the doctor was gone due to something with his daughter, he was placed in the er. not totally unusual, hes been there before. it wasnt his favorite place to be, too fast paced for his paranoia, but its whatever. he got paid either way.

all day, he couldnt help the creeping feeling of something being wrong. something was going to go wrong and he didnt know what. all day he's been blaming it on his paranoia, wishing he could just go home and sleep the feeling away. he didnt know why he was feeling this way, he took his medication and everything but it just..wouldnt leave him alone. which sucked when you work in a place where you have to remain relatively calm.

of course, nothing had gone wrong. the night was going by smoothly. zep's nails remained unbitten. until he heard a voice he was all too familiar with.

he had been talking with a doctor about one of the patients when he heard it. "i need a doctor!” they shouted. the voice was one of a patient he knew well. his head snapped around, seeing two people - the only two people who have ever treated him with such kindness. john kramer and his wife. he knew john from his visits with lawrence. zep had been the one to check on him when he needed it. oh fuck.

suddenly, he was panicked. what was wrong? he noticed the blood. zep didnt get nauseated at the sight of blood. hes seen too much of it for it to bother him anymore, but he couldnt help the feeling of wanting to either vomit or faint when he saw the blood on jill. he was the first to her side when the nurse called for an orderly.

he started hitting them with panicked questions. what had happened? being the main one he wanted an answer to. when he looked down at the woman, he noticed his own hands. his hands that had no gloves. he swallowed hard, trying to regain his breaking composure. he knew about jills pregnancy. john had told him. zep couldnt help but feel excitement from it. his two favorite patients were having a child, and now he looked down at jill and realized that wouldnt be happening.

it was a long night. the baby was deemed dead. shepard stayed by their side for a long while. he couldn't help but notice how distressed they both looked - understandably so. the feeling of bile rised up in his throat but he stayed. he kept a hand on johns shoulder, explained to them how awfully sorry he was. eventually, shepard decided to leave them be. the child wasnt his to mourn, even if he did feel like he, too, had lost the poor thing.

he had ended up in the break room, one hand holding his head up and the other with it's thumb tucked between his teeth, nibbling and peeling away the skin near his nail. zep was alone for what felt like hours. it felt just how it did before he met the kramers. he had no one to comfort him at the moment. shepard didnt lift his head when he heard the door open, and honestly, he barely heard that. his mind was full of thoughts - none of them any good to help him.

"shep?" the quiet voice calmed him immensely. he knew who that belonged to. maybe he wasnt as alone as he thought.

he forced his head up, watching as his fellow orderly take a seat next to him. david was always there for him. he made zep fell less alone. he actually called him by his name. that in itself was a miracle. david made him feel wanted. it was insane to him that someone as cool as david would even think of befriending him. he was pathetic. zep wouldnt admit the slight crush he had on the man.

david's hand on his back helped him relax. which was usually a good thing, but when you're holding back tears, relaxing meant the waterworks were let loose. he refused to cry in front of the other. crying in front of david meant embarrassing himself, which meant being seen as a loser, which meant david would leave him alone. he didnt want to be left alone again.

his voice was quiet, loving. "you alright, big guy? something happen?"

shepard couldnt hold back. he told david how connected he felt with john and jill. how they treated him so well and he was so agitated about the way they lost the baby, how angry he felt that their baby was killed rather than lost. jill had told john what happened at the clinic with zep in the room. he wouldve left if he didnt need to check a few vitals on the woman. she said she trusted him enough to be okay with him listening too. she trusted him.

the first thing the punk noticed about shepard was the way he bit his nails as he sobbed. perhaps it was to quiet his cries, perhaps it was a nervous habit, maybe even an angry one, but he didnt like it. david hated seeing zep in pain, even more so, he hated seeing him hurt himself. even if zep wasnt fully conscious he was doing it in the first place. he lifted his hands, slowly taking zep's wrist between his fingers and tugging his hand downward.

david kept his hand away from his mouth, letting him finish his sentence before he asked, "would you like it if i distracted you? i wouldnt mind. i can help you with your biting problem too.

he offered a lopsided smile, which made zep's heart flutter when he pulled away from his shoulder to see it. davids smile was always so pretty to the other. it took him a long moment to regain his senses, to remind himself where he is. he shouldnt be acting like this at work, its unprofessional, is it not? whatever. shep took a deep breath, wiping his eyes of salty tears. he nods, the corner of his mouth lifting just slightly. "yeah," he replied, "that would be nice..thank you."

dave shrugged. "its nothing, really. just here to help a friend out."

as he dug through his bag, zep couldnt help but smile more. friend? david considered him a friend? he was worried the boy was getting sick and tired of him but hes willing to label zep as his friend. it wasnt very often zep gained a friend. when he first arrived at the hospital, he considered dr. gordon to be his friend, but once he realized how the man dehumanized his patients, dehumanized shepard himself, it made him feel awful. he was disgusted and repulsed by the blonde.

his eyes followed davids movements. after a moment or two, he lifted himself back up, setting black nail polish on the table. now that zep takes a look at his hands (like he does every hour), he noticed some new scars. maybe a fist fight or something. he also noticed davids nails were newly painted. was he going to get his nails painted? hes always thought about having black nails.

"you always seem to have your fingers in your mouth." david chuckled. his words had no bite to them, especially not when he smiled at zep like that. "i thought we could paint them? i did it for my cousin and it seemed to work."

shepard's head moves faster than it ever has in his life to nod. david "super cool punk guy who zep has a huge hallway crush on" radford-stanheight is wanting to paint his nails? fuck yeah! zep would take all the contact he can get from the guy. plus, it might do as david states and help him with his nail chewing.

it was better than constantly wearing gloves, in his opinion.

zep held his hand out, watching at david shook the bottle. the cap put up just a slight bit of fight, even if the polish was new. shepard didnt miss the way the veins in davids hand bulged just slightly for a moment as he twisted. he always noticed little things about david. he noticed when he cuts his hair, when he lets his scruff grow out just a little from neglect, when he changes to slightly taller platformed boots. everything.

to say he was obsessed with david was a smidge degrading but whatever. it was the right word anyway. a jolt of electricity went through his nervous system as dave took his hand and rested his four fingers over his own, his thumb resting just above the nails to hold his hands in the perfect position. he seemed like a professional nail tech, though they both knew he wasnt.

watching david paint his nails felt a little odd. zep didnt usually indulge himself in self care like this. was it considered self care? he did feel more relaxed - wasnt that the point of most self care routines? he didnt know. he barely cared for himself, even in the shower. hell he used a fucking 3 in 1. was that bad enough? it didnt matter to him, really.

the brush felt a little weird against his nail, and the polish was a tad cold. zep didnt mind. just having david in his mere vicinity made him feel comforted. he doesnt know what it is about david but he felt so safe with him around. maybe it was the fact that david was able to stick up for himself and zep needed the comfort of having someone to stand up for him. zep wasnt the type to be able to defend himself. he just took what he was given.

he enjoyed watching his nails get painted. occasionally he would look up at dave, make sure he was still there, and the pure concentration on his face was wonderful. seeing him to focused on zep and zep alone has his head spinning. the touch, the attention. it made him dizzy with some feeling.

the feeling which hes felt around david before. he wasnt a stranger to it, unfortunately.

he knew there was no chance of david and he being an item. whatever, he can fantasize. having him here, so dedicated to making shepard feel better, was enough. david was enough. he was a wonderful person and yet he just couldnt see that. zep wasnt aware david thought the same about him. to david, zep was a wonder. a curious little thing he wanted to study. how can one be so utterly pathetic and utterly beautiful at the same time?

they stayed silent as david switched hands, allowing the first to dry properly. the color was lovely. dark, like ink, but not as shiny. zep didnt mind the matte coloring, in fact, he preferred it. his eyes wouldnt catch the color as often when the lights shined on it. and, as much as he wanted to remember this moment and keep it in his mental david files forever, he had to stay focus on some of his own tasks.

it was a treat watching him work on something other than cleaning up around the hospital. zep knew david hated his job. he wished the other would quit to go pursue a job he would actually enjoy, he wished the other would stay so he could see him almost every shift. he couldnt decide what he wanted. as much as he wanted david to be happy with his life, he couldnt bare to think about him leaving.

david finished his nails, that cute look on his face slowly relaxing into his usual cool guy state. a pleased smile graced his face. shepard couldnt have been more grateful for this moment. he felt so blissful and almost wanted to thank whatever deity was watching for making jill lose her baby. oh goodness, that sounded awful. deity watching them, he takes that back. he said almost, it doesnt count.

the punk leaned back, examining his work. "nice." he commented with a smile. "that's pretty punk."

something about hearing that made zep's stomach turn. not that he was going to puke, but that he was nervous. he was the total opposite of punk and yet david, who did his nails, is saying hes punk? well, he wasnt saying shepard as a person was punk, merely his newly painted nails. either way, it made him feel that feeling again. it was a mix of nervousness, embarrassment, and excitement.

shepard wouldnt realize it until his punk went missing, but he was feeling love. he loved david and it was stupid and shameful and he couldnt help it. david made him feel important, even just by spending time with him. he was pathetic. so stupidly pathetic. and in love. jesus fucking christ, get a grip, shepard!

by the end of his shift, zep felt ten times better. david made him feel better in every way ever. when he visited the kramers again the next day, he brought up his nails, happily showing them off. jill complimented him, saying they looked nice. of course they did, david did them! john, on the other hand, just stared. sure, he gave a slight nod of acknowledgment, but he said nothing. zep wasnt offended. the man was probably just processing everything.

even when he was nervous later on, zep didnt bite his nails. they stayed painted for a while. david painted them again when they would chip. he kept them painted when he saw john the next two times, one being for a screening and the other being another er visit, this time from a suicide attempt. he wanted to bite his nails, but he refrained.

until 2003. that fateful day that david was deemed missing. he couldnt help it. like many things in life, shepard went back to his old habits, biting at his nails and destroying davids work. he would always be a nail biter, even to the day he dies.

[v0idtalking]

July 1st, 2023

angry angry angry angry. hate this man angry angry hate hate hate him.

can never get rid of him either bc we are so fucking poor and have no choice I hate this country. i hate the supreme court too are you fucking kidding me not only do i have to deal with this fucking situation even though they are fucking divorced and im an adult (theres a child in the mix and i have to watch her suffer like i did and provide for her where he doesnt) but i also have to deal with increasing hate crimes and the descent into fascism and my country actively and legally discriminating against me. dont even get me started on the isolation and neglect and my powerlessness when it comes to both those things. i fucking hate.

it is so hard to keep going toward a future where i might be happy because i simply might be too poor or i might simply get fucking killed or simply fall into a depression again and again and again. it never ends. never a way out. i can only keep going and i will keep going for her because I have no choice no fucking choice never a choice and on the rare chance i do im sure I usually make the wrong one. even if i make the right one im always fucking in a rut. doomed since birth because of who and what and where and when and it never leaves and tends to get worse even under the illusion of getting better.

so angry so angry its already so hard and im just about in the most vulnerable and difficult and disheartening position out of all of them and he then goes and makes it fucking harder and im powerless and cant do anything EVER! im a fucking kid again and I will never forgive him. i never have. ive only been civil unlike fucking him.

i love parts of him but mostly i dislike the whole of him. I know i dont have to justify anything he knows what he's done over and over and how he's purposely and directly and to our faces hurt all of us. I dont have to justify but i am not as heartless as he is and i need to keep with that. i dont wish him ill will but i want him gone for almost forever and when he is gone from this world i will mourn but i will dually feel relief and if that isnt the saddest thing.

you miserable little man. are you proud of yourself. is this all worth it. you're pathetic. Yeah I will keep fucking going and it will suck the whole time but at least one day ill get us away from you and your power over us.

the power which is only financial. men like you have no power. there is only ash in your mouth where you convince yourself there is the sweetness of superiority, the sourness of being a victim. you delusional pathetic ass. one day you will be entirely alone. I will get us out from under you, out from under this scheme you pulled.

and you will have nothing. you will be nothing. and it will be your fault. and you know that. you perpetuate it for your insecure delusions. and we know it too. so go ahead and wait. god knows I am. im really just biding my time here. you may have the advantage now. but that will change and when it does you will never hear from me. i will be gone and in my absence there will be power. fuck you.

you know how this ends. enjoy your selfmade condemnation. it will feel a lot worse than how youve made us feel and what im feeling now. live with it you miserable old shit. try living with yourself and see what happens 🖕

[ruby-whistler]

Srry but i noticed in one of ur dream posts u Referred to tommy's cat as hope. I must correct u, that cat was born pussbou and died pussboi. /lh Also tommy killing that cat was nothing compared to dream killing mushroom henry in exile btw just wanna say Also for ur posts about dreams trauma or wilbur manipulating him can u provide links to vods or other proof? Srry if i seem rude i mean that in a "genuinely curious way"

Aaa sorry if my ask came off as rude im just genuinely curious :(((

hi! dw, you don't seem rude at all, and i'm extremely happy someone with a different perspective has found my blog! i really appreciate that sort of attitude and am happy to answer :]

/dsmp /rp

the cat was called pussboy by tommy, but dream only called it "the cat" and then said that "it was hope", which is why it sort of became a symbol (his hope is dead, basically) - that's why i kind of made its name capitalized, because it was more of a metaphor than anything.

most c!dream fans call the cat hope because it's just really nice and really symbolic, and also really sad when you think about it. that's why the name was used in the essay, just to clear up the confusion!

tommy killing that cat was nothing compared to dream killing mushroom henry in exile

i don't really think so? mooshroom henry was entertainment more than anything, and even if it was bad, when watching the stream i don't remember seeing him mourn that much - on the other hand, dream was very quickly and very obviously attached to the cat, with it being his only companion in months of isolation, along with the hope that even when tommy left it would keep him company.

keep in mind c!dream has been deprived of stimuli and human contact for so long it's officially classified as psychological torture at that point.

i don't mean to compare trauma or even compare deaths - because honestly, what c!dream and c!tommy have gone through individually is incomparable and i think neither should be diminished in favor of the other since they're both terrible situations.

that's why i disagree that it "was nothing compared to" - it had an obvious effect on c!dream, and was still c!tommy killing an animal specifically to hurt him, no matter what reasons he had.

when i'm talking about effects people's actions have had on c!dream, i'm not talking about those people. i'm talking about him. :) /lh

as for the trauma, a lot of people agree that a lot of the things he says or does are trauma responses, and hence it's very possible that he's had trauma before he went into prison!

this includes being repeatedly called a tyrant via propaganda by about half of your friends who decided to betray you, trying to keep peace and being pushed deeper into villainy instead, repeatedly being put in between a rock and a hard place in order to make sure the people you care about don't start killing each other, then being betrayed by your closest friends after merely trying to keep peace (sapnap & george) and just in general having no control over your life or image and grasping at straws to gain it back.

i know a lot of people with trauma who heavily relate to certain trauma responses, which aren't always just shaky breaths and flashbacks, but trauma often also manifests itself in extremely ugly and destructive ways, both inwardly and outwardly.

trying to control the people around you is also very often a response to going through trauma, as well as emotional repression which is... rather evident on c!dream during season two. it only seems to get worse with repeated abandonment.

in the end, during the vault scene, the way he acts really just isn't at all the way a healthy person would act, and a lot of his really bad mindsets come from the way he was taught by the world around him.

the character is very reserved however, and since we don't have his pov we can't really say for certain - a lot of people claim it in good faith because they have a lot of evidence for it, and i think they're certainly valid in that.

that is just before the prison, however. from what happened during the prison arc? there is no denying he's traumatized at this point.

he's been emotionally and physically abused by c!sam since the very beginning of being imprisoned, and being in solitary confinement for over two weeks is generally considered psychological (and maybe also physical?) torture. that alone shows up in a lot of symptoms of his mental deterioration while in pandora's during people's visits, and quackity's "sessions" just absolutely drove the point home.

what he's gone through during this arc is absolutely incomparable to anything others charactes have faced before, and it's just plain suffering being endured by someone who is, despite everything, still a human being.

as for the wilbur manipulation thing!! it's talking about the whole vassal scene (though even beforehand a lot of their interactions are pretty iffy), and here's a post about that :]

I also have a small question about the analysis u last reblogged cus it says "why dream needed lmanburg gone rightfully" and like. The house analogy is poor because for one cus the land is infinite. And 2 cus punz's yard was literally larger then lmanburg. And also stuff about dream being a mediator? Can u provide examples?

i wouldn't say it was poor. dream's said a lot of times that he didn't care in the slightest about the land - a lot of his problems with l'manberg arose with the fact that wilbur basically built it on lies and tried to disallow half of the server to come there. c!dream was mad about the division and the fact that wilbur wanted "freedom" to have authority in his lands - over others, as can be seen in this post also.

the table analogy was fitting not because dream was some overlord, but because these were literally friends he invited to hang out and live in a place he wanted to call home. claiming a part of it for yourself and saying people of a certain nationality can't come in is directly opposing those goals.

in the early days of the smp, dream's always been a mediator between his friends - sapnap and george, who would often get into fights and go around killing each other! he would always do his best to stop the conflict, which continued after tommy joined when he took him to court and then later tried to mediate conflicts he was a part of, which resulted in tommy killing him unprovoked, stealing his gear, and starting the disc wars when dream was trying to get his stuff back. later, during pogtopia, he is also most concerned with peace over everything, and this seems to continue indefinitely after.

Today i was thinking about how messed up the final control room was. Like. Dream arranged the betrayal and punz and sapnap killed tommy and tubbo who like. Were literal children and their pals (because the author, wilbur soot, is dead/j but srsly if u take the streamers words tommy said he was 9 during the revolution sooo)

Sorry im gonna ramble about how dumb canon ages are for a second cus like. Streamers can say the characters are one way or another (wilbur saying he is mentally 30-something, etc.) But in the end the characters act like they(or at least their streaming personas) do.

i... honestly don't find it that bad? they were in a war, and the final control room was basically just supposed to end it quicker. the l'manbergians made it clear they were going to fight to the death, so they really left c!dream no other choice. and it's not like he didn't give them chances to give up.

also yeah the 9 year old thing was retconned, because in that case c!dream would've been 14 and i don't think that's true.

c!tommy and c!dream were both young and once again, in a war. the final control room was an attempt to assure victory, which both sides would've taken if possible, but only c!dream saw he had the option.

i do agree the whole child soldier thing was bad but... complain about that to c!wilbur, methinks. he talked naive kids into fighting for his personal power. however, the age argument isn't really valid either way. they had enough agency to sign up for it, and whether or not c!wilbur pushing the intense nationalism onto them had something to do with that is another debate entirely.

Bacl to final control room cus like??? Also fun fact punz took 2 of wilbur's canon lives. And like that probably is what started wilbur's paranoia which later lead to his spiral and i. Many thoughts full of lmanburg today.

i'm pretty sure cc!wilbur said what lead to c!wilbur's spiral was a "dark, twister view of possessions" and "disregard for his fellow citizen whom he claimed to love so much", but i really wouldn't say it was the control room; if anything the sudden loss of power after the elections seems to me like the trigger for his spiral.

I watched the exile arc live and. I feel dirty almost for feeling little to no sympathy for c!dream (srry ive been forgetting to add that aa) because of his actions toward c!tommy and like. The whole probation was so humiliating and unfair and c!dream was planning to frame him for the crimes he and puffy did under the the guise of "pranks" and c!quackity was planning to seize the vice president role.

i mean... to be fair, if you didn't watch the prison arc much yet or only watch tommy's perspective i understand not feeling that sympathetic - however, i encourage you to maybe watch a few prison visits, since they could help you see the whole picture better!

i also watched it live, and i also thought it was terrible, but i share very much the same sentiment for the prison arc because. absolutely no one should have to go through either of those things, you know?

i don't think probation was that humiliating? he was just. being asked to not start conflict with the other factions for two weeks. of course, what happened as a result is in no way justified, but i don't think probation itself would've been bad at all. either way yeah the framing and c!quackity's behaviour was. very yikes, i agree.

Also c!tommy antis are dumb because they say "he deserved exile angry emoji" i dont see u saying that about ranboo. Just say you hate cc!tommy and go. Also people say c!tommy was just as toxic to c!dream and i??? No. One is the victim and one is the abuser and like. :/// man. This part is rambly srry

i wouldn't say they hate cc!tommy? cc!tommy has a persona who people think is annoying at first ( but then they subscribe because he is super entertaining big man! ) but a lot of c!tommy's actions are straight up toxic to certain characters, such as c!funndy and c!jack. he has a very dismissive attitude towards others and their trauma and it does affect the people around them very negatively.

examples; his repeated bullying and behavior towards fundy:

Tommy: “Fundy, I’m just here to kinda let you know that I – if you weren’t Wilbur’s son, you would be out of L’manburg, alright? Just remember – you need to keep that relationship with your father. I saw how asshole-y and bratty you were acting in the courtroom the other night. You need to pull your shit together young man.”

......

Fundy: “I’m wearing glasses…are you making fun of my eyesight?!”

Tommy: “Yes.”

Sapnap: “Your father would be very disappointed.”

Fundy: “Wh – disappointed for wearing glasses?!”

Tommy: “You got glasses, like what are you wearing…”

Fundy: “What do you mean?”

Tommy: “Sapnap, Sapnap, over here. Fundy, Fundy, Fundy, I’m really sorry to say this – I’m just here to publicly denounce you.”

Fundy: “…What?”

( credit for transcript: @/findingjoynweirdstuff )

he's also responsible for a big chunk of c!jack's trauma, both with actions and words, and that's why i think certain people might dislike the character, and i don't think that's wrong of them. anyone can dislike any character they want if they don't attack people for liking them, in my opinion.

also c!tommy was most definitely toxic against c!dream in the cell. it's of course understandable but that doesn't change the fact he was constantly hitting and insulting him (without dream doing anything back for a long while until he snapped) which is toxic behaviour.

i wouldn't say he was "just as" though, so i agree with you on that. they're different and they behave differently.

i made a dream blob keychain today. Is it possible to send images if u wanna see? Idk cus i havent used tumblr before. I think that's all for now. Thx for letting me talk :D peepoShy -curious anon (but fr a connoreatspants c!dream redemption arc would be cool)

yooo that's cool! i don't really,,, know if it's possible to send images? try it out and if it isn't i'll try find a way to turn it on.

also, no problem! just please remember this is a c!dream sympathetic blog, and me as well as my followers are uhh,, oftentimes emotionally attached / personally relate to the character, so if you could avoid sending hate on the character (not that you have or that i expect you to, just a friendly reminder) in the asks that would be great! we already see a lot of it unwillingly so, i'd rather not see more, but as long as the discussion is civil i'm absolutely ok with you asking more and with me answering more questions if you'd want to! :)

if anyone else would like to reblog this and add some things i might've missed with my answers, feel free to, just go easy on her (she uses she/her pronouns!) and keep it factual.

i hope u had a good or at least ok time at school today :D

thanks! i gtg now because exam tomorrow but i'm going to try write the redemption essay tomorrow as well because ohhh boy i have a lot of ideas about what all i could write around the concept.

also sorry this was long, i can't keep my tongue on the leash :[

[littlenekosfan]

i vagued about that several times, but i wanted to make a post alone bc i never actually dove into it i believe? im not really familiar with the emotion of anger since im rather irrational unlike bazz who... is just so familiar with it, anger, frustration or even hatred, he’s is good at keeping it silent or express it with a smile to not loose it... too good actually... bazz had unfortunately a lot of experience which left him scarred, traumatized, and he’s not the type to express his pain via melancholia but rather anger and his actions shows it pretty well.. and the thing is, its not out of pettiness, his anger is pretty rational, i can even call it determination, not a healthy one, but still rational

as a kid, he lost everything, i mean, literally... his parents, his home, basically everything that attached him to that life, the only thing.. or well, person left was jugram, who was his only friend back then (and ever was somehow), when he witness his home being burned down, he didnt cry or felt heartbroken like a child would, he was devastated yes, but to him mourning or coping wouldnt fix his loss, he took the path of revenge, the debt to his pain can only be repaid by punishing the one to blame, yhwach

so he trained, he trained day and night for 5 long years, he didnt just throw himself on yhwach to avenge his past out of hatred bc bazz is good at managing it, but he cant let go.. this is what i meant by determination, he couldnt let go what yhwach took from him after a year a two, the time he made a new life with jugram, his pain wont close until that man dies by his hands. (and obviously, its not heathly) and while i think he’s rational to feel that hatred, he shouldnt have let him consume him this much bc this is what made him even more broken

in FRIEND 3, he desperately tries to get yhwach’s attention, bc this is it, this is the endgame for him to finally live free, but what happens instead? he not only wasnt able to kill him but this time he truly looses everything and by the SAME person, yet, bazz doesnt wanna kill yhwach anymore after that... bazz' revenge was wanting to kill yhwach bc he took his everything back then, he did it again even there, but that second time seemed to scar him even deeper, not bc he has grown up (so his feelings are more developed as a teenager unlike a kid) but bc his everything had more value... 

its jugram

you can tell, you can tell how one scarred more than the other, the day he lost his home, he was able to get up and say what he was going to do next, with determination and certainty, where here, in FRIEND3, we see his face in dismal but nothing after that bc it didnt get better, he got so hurt he didnt even try to convince jugram to come back, he was too broken for that... now he has nothing, not even a shoulder to lay on, just himself and an empty heart... with a small flame...

unlike his first loss, yhwach didnt take jugram’s life, he took him away from bazz, which explains why bazz didnt target yhwach, he thinks jugram left him rather than he was taken away/kidnapped, and that’s a big factor bc this is why bazz’ hatred is now aimed to jugram, he thinks he deliberately left him, for power or even to hurt him (bazz wont think of jugram’s feeling when he left him, he really believes he did it for selfish reasons)

so for 3 long lonely years, he wasnt thinking about joining back the army to be the strongest quincy like his kid self was dreaming about, he didnt join to become close to yhwach in order to kill him, he did it because of jugram... that hatred i mentionned earlier isnt toward jugram himself, its toward what he became, he doesnt like “that jugram”, he hates it so much he constantly wants to fight it but never with the intent to kill and you can tell by how he provokes him, and still listen to him by not pushing it

some would think his hatred toward him irrational or unfair, but its not, its totally rational he feels like that, he shouldnt feel like that if he wanted things to change ofc, but he cant step back and recognize his own mistake bc he doesnt think he made any.. HE was the one left behind, HE was the one who was supposed to be yhwach’s right hand bc HE was the one who lost everything... he was the protagonist of his own story and jugram kinda stole it... but i digress

what i wanted to say is, his hatred, that rage, he is capable to contain it and control it so well, he doesnt lash out in a violent way on jugram, he only provokes him... if he really hated jugram, to the point there is no love toward him anymore, it wouldnt be hard for him to break the rule and try to kill him even if it kills him.. i mean, what’s left for him to even be alive? literally nothing...

yhwach was easy to wish death on bc he has no attachment to him, at all, only pure hatred and revenge, where jugram, he still has that bond, that bond of a friend and even if jugram broke it, he cant help but still see him as a friend, he still loves him

and this is probably why it scarred him the most, in his whole life, he has never cared for someone as much as jugram... and now he sees that person whom he loved the most hurt him...., and i think that's why he wants to fight him, he wants to show/express his pain, prove jugram he's on the wrong path, not for jugram's good, for his own, since jugram is his everything.. that doesnt mean he doesnt care about ju and his wellbeing, he was still disappointed in what he became under yhwach's wing, he promised him THEY would be the greatest.. bazz didnt use jugram like yhwach would say, he wanted to be his partner more than anything

i know what you’re thinking, why did bazz said he would kill jugram in 630 "ill kill yhwach and you along" bazz didnt want to kill yhwach for the same reasons as when he was a kid aka burned his village down, in 630 he wanted to bc yhwach did the auswahlen again, he betrayed him.. so he wanted to kill jugram for the same reason, jugram kinda indirectly betrayed bazz with yhwach there bc he knews jugram knew about it,, and he’s now a lost cause to him.. this was kinda the "deadline" to trying to fix whats was between them, if not at the first war, if not in a 1000yrs, do you really think things would change after a second war? that loop wont end as long as one kills the other... and this is what happened, i dont think bazz had the intention to kill bc he hated jugram, but the pain is too much to bare, seeing the man you loved and cared, who felt the same toward you just ignore you over and over is... too much, maybe death was the only solution... i already talked about that, but if bazz was to win (which im pretty sure he knew he had very very low chances if not none) he would be horribly heartbroken...

i explained it before but, their fight was the best way to end their relationship in "good terms" and yknow how bazz said "things dont always turn out like you wanted them to" it just shows how bazz didnt want to result in that, in that fight, in everything that happened between them was nothing he wanted....

he truly loved ju, he just wanted his old jugram back and be the greatest together...

[itstittycitybaby]

Flirty (Lin Beifong x reader) Part 6

a/n: bro. im having to cram all my ideas and edit it. i have so many plans for these next couple of parts and im excited to write them. i want to say that this chapter has self harm in it along with some other heavy topics. idk if anyone actually reads author’s notes so there will be a trigger warning below. the self harm is caused from anxiety and an anxiety attack/anger moments. please be careful and if you are struggling with self harm, or struggling right now. i encourage you to reach out to someone because someone out there cares about you. as always be safe, ily guys

WARNINGS: ANXIETY ATTACKS, SELF HARM, PTSD/TRAUMA FLASHBACKS, CHILD ABUSE, DEPRECATING THOUGHTS

The room was dark and dingy. The cold air was freezing and the table you were cuffed to didn’t help your comfort either. Your wrists were sore from wiggling and shifting so much. The rawness in your throat from crying and screaming throbbed. You didn’t care if the guards heard you anymore. It’s not like they’d come back in here for hospitality. You were alone again. This was the thing you had to face by yourself.

“It always comes back to this with you doesn’t it?” Her harsh words played on repeat in your brain. The shadows in the dark giggled and whispered amongst themselves. You were frozen and trapped in that awful chair that dug into your ass. You were a victim to the dark’s cruel and twisted ways as its children mocked you with their laughter. This room was perfect for you. 

Lin knew you hated the dark. She would hold you tightly and kiss your tears away when it got bad. Those memories used to bring warmth but now they plunged you further into the icy waters of your mind. It made you gasp for air and it forced you to cling tightly onto the past. You laughed and cried as you stayed, rotting in that interrogation room. Time felt endless from being alone in the dark. It always bothered you when there wasn’t a way to tell it.

You hissed in pain as your fingernails dug into your palms. They burned as you kept pressing them into your hands harshly. The red stinging pain filled your senses;the red became deeper as you refused to let go. You whimpered out into the cell, its echoes carrying out from the room and to anyone who passed by. 

They weren’t totally cruel. A guard had come in with a lantern before the metal shields closed. They left it on the table without a word and left quietly. They were like a ghost and quiet enough to make you believe you had imagined it. The flame that flickered in the lantern barely did anything to keep the fear at bay. At least it was something, though.

 It was eerily quiet. You couldn’t hear anything from outside. Inside held your wails and cries that fell on deaf ears. Your voice was hoarse from screaming and sobbing so hard. The soreness in your throat made you parched. There was no water for you to drink, so you sat there unmoving. Now, you just watched the flame lazily flicker and dance in its little casing.

You fingernails lifted from your palms. They stung like hell and burned so fucking bad. You felt hollow and empty. All the tears you had shed and the mourning you endured now left you with a hollow pit.

She was so angry with you. The tears in her eyes and her tone shook with betrayal as she spat venomous words that had cut into your heart. You didn’t know what to feel. Scared, angry, hurt, betrayed. Aiwei, the bastard, had the perfect alibi. Of course he’d use a traveler and pin it on them. Someone who hadn’t seen the Beifongs in so long, but still knew them. It was perfect.

No one believed you. Not Korra, not Mako, not Suyin. Not even Lin. Could you even blame them? It all fell into place. Aiwei is a bastard, but you’d give credit where it was due. The plan was fucking brilliant, he was brilliant. 

 The interrogation room reminded you of home. The coldness from your mother and the isolation you had faced due to not being the child they had wanted. Everything in your life was a fucking metaphor now. The metaphor always tracked back to your shitty childhood and your shitty life. The terror and the isolation was always the thing that came to comfort you in the end, with open arms. It was ironic;.the thing that had been killing you for the past thirty fucking years had finally caught up to you. Its embrace was all too familiar. The warmth  it held welcomed you loving, but its thorns sunk into your skin eventually. 

****

He was crying again. You could hear his wails through the thin walls of the hut. His sobs made you feel horrible, knowing all you could do was stand by the pot. Stir, stir, stir. The wooden spoon stirred the stew your mother asked you to make. Stir, stir, stir. She sat behind you on the floor, staring into the fire. Stir, stir, stir. The stew was red and its heat warmed your face. All you could focus on was the soft stirring of the wooden spoon and the smell. It was a very cold night tonight, so your mother kept the fire warm.

Your eyes stayed on the stew in front of you. Dee’s crying kept getting louder and louder. You felt helpless, trapped there in the kitchen as Dee kept crying. You were rooted to the spot; you knew better than to disobey. You were no good to your brother if you got hurt too. The leverage your mother and father held was strong. It was easy to manipulate and make a person compliant when you dangled what they cared about in front of them like a carrot.

Stir, stir, stir. It was done. “Mamma,” you called softly, “it’s finished.” She didn’t say anything. She kept peering into the fire, observing the flames flickering on the wood. She was alway entranced by fire, even though she’d seen it all her life.You set the spoon down on the counter softly. Your meek footsteps barely creaked on the floor. You stood a couple of feet away from her. Her back faced you stubbornly. “Mamma,” you called again, timidly. No answer. Slowly, you lowered your hand on her shoulder. Smack! You flinched, pulling your hand away. The skin reddened and it stung. “Don’t touch me!”

“Sorry ma,” you whispered, trying to keep your voice from cracking. She didn’t say anything but slowly rose up. Your hand was hot and inspecting it closely you realized it. Your mother had burned you. The edges of your vision became blurry until it was hard to see. Your throat tightened and you struggled to breathe.

Your mother paid you no mind. She grabbed three bowls out and began scooping them with stew. Dee’s sobs turned into whimpers. They played like a mantra in your head over and over. Your hand began to sting more and your throat started to hurt from the stone you were trying hard to swallow. Even as Dee’s whimpers became a crescendo again, all you could think about was stir, stir, stir. 

****

You hit your head smack dab on the table. Must’ve fallen asleep. You looked around drowsily and focused on the on the sun’s raise peeking through the windows. It seemed to be early evening. The muscles in the back of your neck had become cramped along with your back. Your ass was numb from the stiff chair you were trapped to. You didn’t even wanna think about your wrists.

The ground rumbled beneath you. The table shook and the lantern rattled. You watched it nervously, praying to the spirits that it didn’t fall and break. After a few moments, the rumbling stopped.

The lantern sat dangerously on the edge of the table but everything else seemed fine. Ears straining, you held your breath and focused for any signs of life. Nothing. You sighed, looking down at your wrist.

 The cuffs hid the cyan string bracelet you stubbornly kept on after all these years. Though you couldn’t see it, you knew it was there. It gave you hope. Someone out there still cared about you. Someone out there still loved you. Even if he had forgotten about you, the bracelet served a reminder. That someone at some point, had given you a chance.

***

The door slammed open. You shot your head up. The impact from the door echoed among the cold and dark room. You squinted into the room. The sunlight poured in, blinding you. You hissed, screwing your eyes shut.

“(Y/N?)”

Suyin. 

Her face fell. You looked rough. It had been only a couple hours since you were taken in. She was filled with regret at your sullen eyes. The bags under them looked dark and heavy.

“You can get out now,” Suyin said softly. Two guards entered the room and the cuffs opened with a clack. You looked down at your wrists. Your eyes widened at the sight of them. They had angry red marks around them and they were sore. You hissed as you gently pressed your fingers on them and rubbed softly. “Why,” you whispered, voice croaking.

“Aiwei was the traitor.” Su’s eyes shimmered with remorse as she stood there. She glanced down at your wrists. “We should get you to a healer.” You shook your head stubbornly. Placing your hand on the table, you slowly got up. Your ass burned from being forced to sit for so long. Your joints felt like they were on fire, and your feet wobbled as you made you way towards her.

 “Please,” Suyin asked. “You must be in so much pain right now.” She had always been stubborn, just like her sister. “Maybe,” you whispered. Her eyes flashed with worry at your sullen expression. The rawness in your voice worried her. 

 You had hoped Lin had come instead. It hurt all the more knowing she didn’t come instead of Su. You hoped, stupidly, she’d sweep you in her arms and apologize profusely while kissing your face all over. But she didn’t. She left you in that room to rot. Lin had to have found out by now that Aiwei was the traitor. So why didn’t she come for you yourself? I’m just not special, you thought bitterly. She’s gone just like everyone else. She’s done with me.

“I’m so sorry,” Suyin muttered as the two of you left the interrogation room. She refused to leave you alone until you made it to your rooms. You furrowed your brows in confusion. “It’s fine,” you rasped. Su shook her head. “No it’s not and you know that.”

You didn’t say anything. There was nothing left to say. You grabbed her hand and gently squeezed. Suyin lifted her up head, shocked. You didn’t know why you did it. It could have been the isolation that had gnawed into your brain and made you needy. Or, if you tried hard enough, Suyin wasn’t there. In your mind it was Lin standing beside you instead.

****

Your room was torn to shreds. Several plans for new gadgets and tweaks on your weapons were now destroyed. Smashed parts from new projects glinted on the floor. Suyin wanted to stay and help but you shooed her away. You wanted to be alone while you picked up the pieces. You didn’t want nobody to witness you as you fell. Most people came back to a warm loving family after being away. You got to come home to a ruined and smashed room, with a bitter reminder of all your hard work being spilled down the drain in a matter of seconds.

  You swallowed the tears in your eyes and scanned your destroyed room once more. You felt nothing more than a husk. The silence rung in your ears. Your breathing was roaring compared to the quiet.

Azure and Ruby were still missing. The space with their birdcage and food were gone. It made that part of the room was bland and empty. “Assholes,” you ground out bitterly. “Had to go so far as to stealing my fucking birds too.” You threw your turtle neck off forcefully, flinging it against the wall along with your trousers. The draws slammed open from the force of your anger. You pulled out a black tank top and pajama pants. The joints in your bones burned as you tugged your clothes on. They felt comfortable and loose on your skin. It made you sigh with relief and give you some sense of comfort. You trembled as you inspected your room. Your eyes flitted across the damaged state and the tears came rushing back. The fury that had been curling around your heart was threatening to let loose. Let go, a voice whispered. Just let me go.

Knock knock. “Can’t I just be alone for five fucking minutes?” You stomped over to the door, turning the handle. You wanted to be alone so no one would have to see it. See the breakdown and the fall you haven’t had in a long time. The thing that was keeping you together was threatening to snap. You were going to slip from the rope that dangled in the sky and crash into the ground.

Your heart stopped. She stood there with Azure and Ruby in their cage. It all came rushing back. The dark room, the disgust, the hatred in her eyes, and you never really meant anything to me.

“Lin,” you muttered thickly. “What a surprise.” You looked down to Azure and Ruby. They were sleeping soundly in the cage they hated. Anytime you had to put them in there they squwaked and pecked you into you bled. Lin’s hands had little scratches and marks on her hands. You shoved the guilt down and replaced it with something easier to feel. Pettiness, smugness.

“Can I come in?” Her voice was strained. She tried so hard to focus on keeping eye contact with you. Lin didn’t want to cry on your doorstep and have the whole world see what was about to occur. You were silent for a few moments. She deserved to have the door slammed in her face and to be told to fuck off. She had left you cuffed to a table for two hours and refused to listen to anything you had to say. Most of all, Lin told you she didn’t love you anymore. 

She waited patiently. It all felt so weird, like a dream or a film. What if this wasn’t real? What if you were still cuffed to that table and had fallen asleep again. You wanted to yell at her, or scream at her for leaving you there broken hearted.  You hated that deep down, you wanted Lin to hold you and tell you everything was alright. You hated how easy it was to crawl back to her like some fucking sick puppy.

You swallowed harshly. There were tears in your eyes and you nodded. It was slow and sluggish from the way you had jutted your chin out. You left the door way and moved so she could come in. Lin followed after you, closing the door with a soft click. The quiet clinking of her armor pounded in your head. It was the only thing you could focus or you’d drown in the tension that crackled in the air.

Lin set Azure and Ruby on the table gently. They didn’t stir from their sleep, making them look more peaceful. Her green eyes swept over the destroyed room. They followed to the turned over books and sheets, to the paper that had been ripped onto the floor. Lin saw the red and raw marks across your wrists. She felt awful looking at the state of your room but seeing you hurt because of her? Lin didn’t know what to feel.

It was silent for a bit. The both of you waiting for the other to say something. Lin was awful with confrontation and apologizing. You used to be patient with her. Your eyes would be soft as you waited for her words. Now, they were cold and hollow, peering into her soul. You were tired of waiting; you wanted this to be over with.

“You have some balls Beifong,” you said, chuckling. There was no humor or lightness to it. It was the calm before the storm. Before it all blew over and went to hell.

She gulped. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. Her voice had cracked slightly. There were tears in her beautiful green eyes.  “I’m so sorry.”

You laughed. Lin’s eyes snapped up to you. It cut through the air as sharp as a knife. It sounded empty and bitter. “A sorry? A fucking sorry? What makes you think a sorry is going to make it all better Lin? What you said can’t be undone. You said what you said and that’s that.”

The tears fell freely now. You didn’t want to move and wipe them away. You wanted Lin to see what she had done. Maybe you were too angry or bitter, but you wanted her to regret it. Most of all, you wanted to love her again.

All you could feel was the rage. The way it curdled dangerously in your veins. You loved her, you loved her so fucking much and you hate that you still did. She had shoved you in a cramped room. She told you that she was done and that she didn’t love you anymore. Worst of all, Lin didn’t trust you and she never did. You were just another shitty person in her eyes. You were nothing but another endless blob in the back of her mind. Lin didn’t care about you.

“I didn’t want it to come to this, I-I never wanted to hurt you. All those things I said were a lie. Please, believe me... I do care about you and I want you to stay in my life.. I want you to be here with me.”

Lin’s eyes shimmered with tears. You watched one fall down to the side of her cheek. You folded your arms and read her. There was nothing but honesty in her eyes. Your lip quivered as more tears fell. You felt like throwing up from the nerves and the anger that threatened to burst.

“I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of acting like this. That..I’m not happy you’re back and that I hate you. Even when you left I couldn’t hate you for being gone. I-I don’t blame you at all. I was..cold and bitter..I didn’t listen to your feelings..Even now I still didn’t listen..but I want to make things right.” 

She bit her trembling lip and cried. Her tears were silent. Lin had always been a quiet crier. She would cry and make sure there was no sign of it afterwards. Lin used to say it was because being angry was better than being sad. You guessed she still thought the same even after all these years.

“It hurts. It fucking hurts. I want to hate you and I-I want to hold onto to the anger..but I can’t. I still love you even after all of this. After all this-” you choked on a whimper. You sniffled, feeling disgusting that snot was sliding out of your nose.

You wiped your eyes delicately. Lin’s eyes were puffy and red along with her nose and cheeks. She hung on every word you said. “Please,” she whispered, “I’ll do anything. Let me make this right.”

You scoffed. There was a smile on your face. It was one of disbelief and you couldn’t help but laugh at it all. At the world crashing around the two of you. It seemed like a never ending reality. The two of you would always suffer together and always have the world trying to end.

 “Why should I? Why should I give you a second chance Lin? After all this? Leaving me in that shitty cell and having Suyin free me from those cuffs?”

Lin barely flinched. If it were anyone else they wouldn’t have caught it. But you weren’t everyone else. You were the only thing that Lin knew was worth fighting for. 

“I don’t know,” she said. Her voice faltered but it still held strength. Her posture was tight and strong. Lin always faced the danger and the dark with a brave face. Even now she seemed to cower but she still faced your rage and the hurt that lingered in your eyes.

“Oh my god,” you muttered in disbelief. “You don’t know?” Lin was silent as she tried to read you. Your eyes were red and they were slightly crazed. She could tell that your stress levels were high. Your eyes fell from her piercing gaze and instead you focused on the room around you. On the failure your life had become. The one you had built anew was destroyed into a matter of minutes. Everything was gone and all you were was a hollow husk, left to drift away in the wind.

 “No. I don’t. But I still love you. It’s all I know. I-I know nothing else but this.” Lin choked slightly and she breathed in deeply before continuing. “I want to fight for this. I want to be able to love you again.”

You laughed. It was sharp and turned into a wheeze. Lin’s brows furrowed in concern as you hobbled over. She rushed to your side as your knees hit the floor. There were tears streaming down your face rapidly and your breathing was irregular.

Lin’s hands cupped your face. “Breathe, breathe with me. It’s okay, you’re going to be okay.” Her thumbs brushed your tears from your face gently. Lin’s eyes watered with tears again as she held you there in her arms.

“It hurts,” you whimpered, “It hurts so bad.” “I know,” Lin whispered, her voice faltering. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve believed you. I should’ve listened to you but instead I let my anger get the best of me and hurt you instead. And I’m so so sorry.”

You clutched her arms tightly. “I could see him in there. I could see Dee. He was crying he was..he was..” “Shh,” Lin shushed you gently. “It wasn’t your fault. Nothing you could have done would allow that to happen. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I turned around and uncuffed you right there so you wrists wouldn’t be so bruised. Then you wouldn’t have to suffer through that alone.”

Your swallowed the lump in your throat. All you could hear were the sniffles from your nose as Lin rocked you gently. 

After a while, you wiggled out of her hold. It was quiet again and you could feel Lin’s eyes peering into your back as you turned to Azure and Ruby. “Thank you..for taking care of them.” Lin’s lips quivered as she pulled them into a smile. “Of course. They’re wonderful birds.” You helped her up from the floor. There was still more to be said but the air felt better. It didn’t feel as tight around your throat anymore and the sadness settled lighter in your chest..

“Thank you for the apology.” Lin watched you carefully. Your eyes bored holes into Ruby. They were blissfully unaware of what was going on. “But I can’t accept it right now.”

Lin nodded. Another tear fell from her eye. “I understand.” She moved to your door slowly. Her hand clenched the handle. “I still love you,” you choked out. “I-I..I just need some time.” Lin turned to you. Her smile didn’t reach her eyes and there were tears flowing down her cheeks. “I’ll wait for you. I will always wait for you.”

****

After Lin left, you hurried into the bathroom to look at yourself. Everything made your head slightly spin and your skin felt clammy. Your reflection peered back at you in the mirror. Your eyes were sunken in and your skin looked sickly.You felt your chest tightened as you choked on the crisp air. The panic hit you like a sack of bricks after spending so fucking long in that shitty room. The confrontation with Lin was the final nail in the coffin. You felt dreary and exhausted as you stood there. The adrenaline had finally wore off and pain flooded in every bone in your body. Everyone had thought you were a traitor. They had looked at you with disgust and hate. Like you were some kind of junk to discard. Lin had turned against you and had the guards shove you into the cramped interrogation room, knowing your fear of the dark. She wanted nothing to do with you anymore and left you to rot. But then she came running back, crying and asked for forgiveness. 

Were you too cruel? Should you have told her it was okay? You were awful to say those things to her. You should apologize and tell her it’s all okay, that it was your fault instead. The guilt came flooding with remorse and anger. It became a deafening roar in your ears as it threatened to swallow you. You should have just stayed quiet and been a good girl like your mother had taught you.

Crack! Your fists bashed against the mirror in front of you. Glass shards flew onto the floor, slicing your hands. Your knuckles and palms filled with a burning hot pain. All you could see was the red and the white filling your vision. The rage and the suffering had finally been freed. It swept all around like heavy smoke and curled it’s whisps around your heart. All you could feel was the heat inside of your chest and the wrath that prickled your veins.

You looked down and saw that your hands had been cut open. Glass shards had dug its way into your skin. The sharp points had pierced your palms good enough that blood gurgled to the surface. Then, it became numb again. The stinging pain in your hands was replaced by adrenaline again. You felt nothing as you bashed your fist against the mirror for a second time. Then another followed suit. The mantra of the sickening crack was the only thing that rung in your ears. It was the only thing you could hold onto.

 Blood slid from the broken mirror. It dripped from the bottom of the ridge to the sink beneath it. The drops turned into splatters once it oozed onto the white porcelain. Your fingers blazed once the ringing in your ears wore off. The glass in your palms and fists pricked your skin like thorns. You laughed bitterly. Tears sailed from your eyes. The black mold on the cabinet that held the glass stared back at you. At least I can’t see myself anymore, you thought, trying to smile. Your lips quivered as more tears fell from your puffy eyes.

 Cleaning would have to come another day. You sank to the ground with your knees hitting the tile. They clinked against the glass on the floor. Your thighs stretched with a burn as you kneeled there on the ground. You were just bad as your parents. They hurt and killed everything they touched. It was futile to try and resist; this was your destiny.

*****

The closet was dark. Dee sat in your lap clinging onto you. The closet was cramped, barely fitting the two of you. It felt like the walls were pushing up against you. The closet muffled your mother and father’s screams. They shouted at one another. “When are they gonna stop,” Dee asked, digging his fingers into your tunic.

A plate smashed against the wall. The both of you flinched and Dee whimpered. “I don’t know,” you whispered. The air was heavy and made it feel like you were choking on it every time you tried to breathe in. “I’m scared.” You swallowed the pit in your throat and pulled Dee closer. “It’s gonna be okay,” you said softly, “I promise.”

You rocked him on your lap. Your knees and thighs burned from kneeling on the floor for so long. Your arms felt heavy as you held Dee close, humming. The screaming didn’t stop for a while. Some glass shattered on impact of being thrown. You hummed over your mother’s weeping, trying to drown it out. 

You told yourself that it would be alright. That they wouldn’t hurt Dee or you if you stayed still. It was all going to be okay one day. Yet, even as you rocked your younger brother, something told you that things would never change.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #3

3. Transformation Central

the entities of my personalities would like to come together in one voice that speaks through me, we or I call this collection of words from the mustiest corners of my brain to this note page to voice something that might come close to what I feel underneath the skin I wear. In all my unorganised words- I might even go as far as to call this a poem, titled:

‘TRANSFORMATION CENTRAL’

sub characters in my head would appreciate if this could be visualised & understood through as deep a lens as humanly possible. even I confuse myself so if you can decode or relate to any of this, wonderful. If not, I’m locked in my own mind, swallowed the keys to my soul.

SIMILARITIES & INTERCONNECTEDNESS BETWEEN HUMAN & PLANT CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST! if you look closely at my nose freckles you’ll see the resemblance of the constellations above. if you look at the human veins & the layout of a tree, this is further proof.

{VISUALS THROUGH A SEPIA WINDOW STARING @ THE AUTUMN LEAFS; IMAGINING THE SEEDS UNDERNEATH, THROUGH NUMB ROOT VESSELS THAT PERMEATE THROUGH EVERY MEMBRANE OF MY EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL ENVIRONMENT}

~FEATURING THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF DEPRESSION & PERFECTIONISM.

here goes:

What is this part of my mind ?

If you want; delve inside-

I may look sweet like Alice,

but underneath it all

I deteste looking in the mirror

-cos I see the mad hatter.

my inner child needs a platter-

full of care not distortion & abuse pls.

less fibbin would’ve been a breeze.

now following the dead fish in the stream!

HOW on EARTH do I fit with the cod & the Haddock?

I’m the rainbow fish- beat & battered.

dim my own light cos I’m too afraid to shine.

alone.

thieves tried to steal my shiny scales.

I sat and watched them grow.

In the sea realm they were mean gargantuan selfish whales, with poisonous shark fangs & alligator tails. scorpion hands. (gremlins)

and still they make me feel like the alien-

I cant take it.

Make it make sense ?

I can’t.

controller in my hand-

Off balance stance.  

anxiously I move round like a wobbly jelly.

where’s the button to balance my chi & shut out the ego ?

the teLLIE telling lies to our vision!

change the channel aura terracotta orange- daily dosage of vitamin D & C.

catch me sun gazing by the sea

head buzzin like a bee.

speaking from a dusty box

stuck on top of a forbidden shelf

cos I dunno how else.

I’m tryna delve deep but forgot how to dive

How can i visualise? scenery foggy-

the establishment man with the glue gun got me xD

inner monk burning but at peace

Cos I refuse to believe

If the only way is the American dream

Interconnected; like the frog in science -let’s dissect it!

down to every floating atom spirit neighbouring your door

subcategories & divisions, it’s more!

than the rich and the poor -prism that’s been built

do we all feel like a performance monkey on stilts?

will my data be extracted & used to mould a robots personality some day?

well obviously not.

does the price of our lives all amount down to slave ways?

LABOUR YAY!

but morals & values it seems we’ve forgot.

sO If i don’t speak its cos I’m lost.

or maybe i’m enlightened-

Standing at the edge of the porch;

watching TRYING to understand how the flowers grow.

questioning eVERYTHING man made!

I’ve stepped out of the perfect picture frame

I can see the coal pollute the sky

I need to hop on the train-

but I’m comfortable

Sunset to sunrise statue standing still.

what’s the ingredients to life’s yucky pie?

I’ve exceeded mental lotteries.

Sanity n universal peace would be a trophy.

TIL then I’ll be crafting & shaping a solid pottery reality,

with a few pence, gum, and a bandana of belongings tied to stick.

thinking one day I’ll be laying the bricks

& building a kingdom of bliss.

guess for now I’ll use the intricate delicate materials in my tool box- that’s all I’ve got.

might have a long way- maybe worth a shot.

I observe, cruisin in the sky.

dunno why..

I jus look @ the hills.

Only time & history reveals.

no thanks mr men-

I don’t want your prescription pills.

there’s enough propaganda as it is.

I won’t jump on the merry go round-

til my core trusts & envisions we’ll actually feel safe!

I don’t want to take part in this faux fur, sweet nothings & a jack in a box punching blur, so called future.

oh and genuinely thanks quarantine-for once again, I can hear bird sounds!

guess this is me tryna speak out loud!!!...

it’s not thrilling

system  time killing everything-

mother nature’s oxygen

everything is nauseating

clock ticking, I better start creating.

they should write a book on how to be free when the system set us up to believe that we’re tied to the cut down trees that gives them a currency of greed that they breed.

If blindfolded, I don’t wanna eat what they feed.

Whilst they profit of us -tell us smile and the bandits don’t wanna see us happy.

they’re too busy robbing all our hoods.

In exchange for the silence, they’ve granted us with a 21’st century fashion garment of a slave muzzle! labelled conform.

More delusion to add to the already desensitised norm.

zootonic diseases, welcome covid 19 to your plastic kiddy tea party!- apologies for questioning your motive!

Been handed too many hot plates with a post it note saying HOLD THIS.

we’ll be okay just hush.

Same Shan message told to every generational seed.

If we don’t TRY overpower-

we’ll never succeed!

it’s getting even more scary.

Artificial intelligence.

Societal negligence..

my canvas isn’t clear-dunno am I schizo ?

finger painting, cos it makes more sense.

struggling to blend.

borderline conspiracist pretending to be fine;

moving the goal post, hovering above the race line.

who made the chalk? who set the lanes?

I wanna know it all, maybe¿ far past insane.

I can fit all I need in the palm of my hand,

Maybe even less! cut a finger off not sure it’ll even add stress.

hi from personality Peter, even sober- always away with the fairies.

Pass the pixie dust, I’m in a rush

Found shelter in the comfort of pan physicists timer, no not the one on your phone!

Ring ring, skeptical! is it my demon or my mommy on the phone?

I’m stuck in the airspace of an infinite glass filled with beach particles trying to form myself standing up still attempting not to slip through the hands of my very own discovery.

time is running out & ill go when I go.

I’m sitting inside the fly trap -

stardust, chakras can you feel the sensation colors like a starburst.

deep emotion is a curse.

still entrapped in the sand dune of nothingness-

flipping a domino monopoly of solidified thoughts as I sway with the wind.

I’m the trapped sandbox in the playground & the slipping sand in my own hands.

Inhale chronic but I wanna enter the quiet realm of white noise

-color of a wife beater vest, calmer than the ease in ignorance of a red neck.

sadomasochistic, messes.

but oblivion, seems like less stress.

Unfortunately I can see, with all eyes

empathetic paralysis, gets me vexed.

Punching truth into the core of your chest!

It’s not funny, neither is the one on the receiving end..

My limbs are numb

& im done playing octopus alchemy.

I want minimalism & life can be simple,

Evil entities have made it hard.

Maybe I’ve got stars above my head like an old cartoon character.

But I can’t make it make sense, are they out to get me. worse all of us? Or have I bottled myself tryna re mesh the broken shards,

I feel glued to the floor cos there’s a pretty price to pay if you want more.

I see life through a different lense, maybe born downside up, Benjamin button I came out the back door-

Outside looking in, digesting confusion.

Is to be a product of environment a sin?

rummage through my messy brain.

personalities sardine packed in this tin

I’m the wizard of my mania

Scaring & attracting the black crows-

they’re my friends.

Sometimes still a cowardly lion

Roaring pain & true riddles at the wrenching wicked witch posse of the west.

will my voice ever be loud enough to shed light wit my words and grate the sweet zest

In to the cake i’m baking?

Probably not.

Got more thoughts than the autumn leaves collected by the garden rake. alone.

gathering & storing the pains of yesterday.

sometimes I stay in line

Other times in my head Im on my hands juggling out of time.

but I really don’t mind if I lose or win.

we all have a pace

I jus don’t want the 1% to win the race.

It’s unfair!

Humanity does anyone care ??

Half lady

half fairy

Good  MOOrning-

from my anagrams.

no I’m not a cow.

twister fidget spinner brain in the flesh-

form of expression this time around lyrics.

feel I’m jus a silly rubix

& still mourning

I don’t like dairy

pass the oat milk.

Are you aware the industry are sabotaging our diets?

we want peace!

the powerful elite-

perceive & deceive

the scene they want us to be.

chuck the narcissistic psychopathic pie back in our face-

every time we almost found & addressed the Programme & Control man in the maze.

evil & extroverted- he said that the anarchists have to be the cause of riots.

working isn’t class. I said let’s switch roles- he said pass.

It’s piss! Who’s got the bomb & the guns?

Who got the land? off wit OUR heads 4 fun!

it’s pure scary.

Pharmaceutics handshake.

with the cooked up suppliers, also crooked wack liars.

I’d rather shot a gallon of bloody blubbery infused slaughter house milk

If it meant we didn’t use cocoons for silk.

why not add a drizzle of bleach to the concoction & maybe that’s a reach.

every time I guzzle fakeness, it taste peak.

I want real fruit, what next-

a seedless peach ???

what’s the difference between a weirdo & a freak?

layers & levels to the shit.

Magnifying tapping the window of society, I’ll be puffing green til I get to the land of Oz.

sponge soaked soaking up emotions

Suffocated by deduction of care in life

feel entrapped in this paradigm

what am I thinking ?

got the verbs & a cuppa tea

It’s mixed with torment & desire to be free.

I’d rather be awake than asleep

When I get too comfy I feel weak

Demons they reap

underneath

rip the seems as I bleed

Concrete

Solid

Emotions

Is all you’re getting

It’s all sad scenes in the imagery I’m setting

people need care we seem to be forgetting

why are we in debt wit

a posse of clowns

pay the price so we can get a frown

here’s some seratonin

quit ya moaning

life is all sound

aw yeh¿  if you’re not an over thinker!

product of environment- Sirius flickers

theyve done a ritual like it’s Wicca

now here’s your gold sticker..

for managing to co operate.

In this world fuelled off of evil n hate

waking ups a bloody disgrace

I am not amazed.

Man I love my fam n my friends

Just hate this part of my brain that feels the need to play pretend

sometimes I feel insane

but I’m calm

need to escape so I don’t do harm

Gold lioness in the sky by the sea

with puff the magic dragon

fire out my mouth, fuel helps me breathe

I will shine bright

Promise imma be alright

even tho I’m not sure why

I function like this

I wanna be myself

It’s just hard to find the comfortability

To feel happy and pretty

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Ring around sing about overdose emotions

Sorry dunno how to communicate

Heads in a constant debate

Should I go or should I stay

My head clashes

Burnin the next ciggy as my thoughts become ashes.

[5-falsehoods-phonated]

Overgrown Metal

Series Summary:  Almost two decades ago, the fae rose up from beyond the veil with technology far surpassing the human race, quickly taking over after laying waste to nearly everything in their wake. Now eight paths cross to right the wrongs on both ends, working to uncover secrets that would have rather stayed hidden

Chapter 5: Bow With Hope

Summary: Enter Patton.

Trigger Warnings: death mention. If i missed any please let me know.

General taglist: @im-an-anxious-wreck (if you’d like to be tagged for all works or specific ones feel free to ask!)

Patton sighed gratefully as the great doors closed behind him, quickly straightening before anyone could see and hurrying down the main street to the tallest building before anyone could catch him and ask too many questions. His jaw clicked painfully as he tried to subtly stretch it out and hoping no one would notice just how fast he was blinking behind his rather large glasses. Too many potential questions, too many potential conversations, too much of everything and honestly why wasn’t he there yet he was in impeccable shape and walking fairly quickly and-

He nearly crashed into the front doors of the building not having noticed tripping his way up the steps. Blinking a few more times he shifted his pack to one shoulder somewhat painfully considering its weight and nudged the door open slowly and just enough for him to fit through, slipping in fast and shutting himself and the inside away from any potential prying eyes. Dropping the pack carefully he slumped against the frame and let his eyes adjust, the milkiness nearly cleared from his vision as he stretched his mouth open as wide as it would go. Being mute outside the walls didn’t give you many opportunities or use for that matter for opening it very often, defaulting to clenching his jaw an unhealthy amount and making it a relief when he finally returned to his city and no longer had to worry about keeping up any pretenses.

Looking around revealed an unsurprisingly empty lobby, the converted hotel expanded almost impossibly wide and making the light fixtures work twice as hard to banish the shadows from the furthest reaches of the room. Several staircases led up and away to various sections of the building, though only a couple led down into the depths where he and others of his current status were rarely ever permitted to tread. Waving away the sadness that threatened to swell at the thought he simply sighed again and hoisted the pack back over his shoulder, oddities from a nearby Undercurrent ratting softly within it. He wondered briefly what the residents of the underground towns actually called themselves- certainly something better than the blatant derogatory name Societies had given them. The nicer ones were nearly identical to Patton’s own city: well structured layers of markets and power plants and homes all buried safely beneath the ground to adapt to their rapidly changing environment.

Of course he wouldn’t care to live in one...he didn’t even really care to be living in a Society despite the “safety” it promised him especially being as high up as he was. Given the choice he’d be a wanderer as so many were now, refusing to settle down where either roots or branches would eventually chase you out or kill you as you tried to hold them back. Vast open plains were really only a temporary solution as wildlife continued to grow and shift and spread without mercy or care for what it was destroying to create whatever ideals were behind it. Shaking his head once again he made his way to the nearest staircase. There’d be time for thinking later...maybe. For now he needed to deliver what he managed to find and hopefully it would be enough to pay him with a day pass to the cemetery; his superiors didn’t want the past to hold anyone back which was fine with Patton- it just  meant he worked incredibly hard to be able to earn his time with who he had lost.

Finally getting to the door he needed he took the time to give his jaw one final stretch, mouthing out a couple words to practice their shapes before he had to talk again. His vision  had finally cleared fully leaving his dark brown curls the only thing obstructing his vision. Carefully they were pushed up and away, tucked neatly behind his ears before he smoothed the front of his still dirty tunic. Wincing he tried in vain to brush as much of it off as he could only to give up after barely half a minute as the dirt made it clear it was there to stay. Stern voices chiding him for his lack of professionalism were waved away quickly. His job was tough and dirty and there was really nothing he could do to help with that unless they decided to transfer him to a different purpose. These assurances fell somewhat limply as he sucked in a breath. He would never trade his purpose for anything, dangerous as it could be and even with the added drawbacks. He was free to roam out there- within a time frame but still. He could see how the world was progressing and how life was coping, he could see grass and “trees” rather than the industrial colors of his Society, and most of all he could look for-

Gripping the straps he straightened one final time and placed his hand on the door knob. There would be time for thinking later; right now he had a job to finish. Swinging open the door before he could change his mind he stepped in, head down and shoulders back before shutting the door behind him. Nothing happened for a full minute, the only sound in the room Patton’s own quickly beating heart and the gentle tinkling in the bag as the trinkets shifted with his fidgeting, Five minutes had passed before he slowly lifted only his eyes to scan the room, realizing with a start that he was completely alone. 

Cheeks burning with slight embarrassment he walked forward towards the thin envelope with his name on it on the wide oak desk. Placing the pack beside him he opened to reveal a small wad of twenty dollar bills and a note most likely written by the direct herself.

Patton,

If your past findings have been anything to go by this should be enough to pay you for what you’ve brought back this time, though action will be taken if my assumption is incorrect. The day pass included was taken from your pay, I took the liberty of sparing you a trip.

Faris

Blinking in surprise he quickly shuffled his pay to find that there was, in fact, a day pass included. His stomach squeezed uncomfortably at the thought of his routine being known so well but the organization he worked for was a rather tight knit group so in the end he supposed it made sense. He nudged the bag closer to the side of the desk and turned to leave, only briefly wondering why the director hadn’t been there this time before quickening his pace back towards the way he came. If he hurried he’d be able to use it now; he’d scarcely thought of much else his entire trip outside the walls.

Walking as quickly as he dared through the silent lobby he found the long familiar flight of stairs and hurried down them, barely stopping ;long enough to shove the pass through the slot before nearly crashing into the second door he hadn’t been paying attention to today.. Schooling his annoyed expression as the pass was logged he reached immediately for the door as he heard the beep, mood sobering immediately as the cold musty air hit his face. The cemetery was a quiet place, as they so often were, and hung heavy with the warm smell of earth contrasted just shy of unpleasantly with the crisp air of the underground cavern. Here the dead lay still in whatever a family could scrounge to wrap them with, most only in their best clothes laid as carefully and respectfully as possible in the holes dug by those who cared for them. Families weren’t allowed to see the dead laid to rest, too painful a thing to watch with the limited amount of technology they had, the director had said. Patton would have gave everything- he glanced up at where his feet had automatically taken him. His son’s grave.

His tight smile turned genuine as he kneeled in front of the stone, tears already pricking his eyes as he stared at the name written there. He brought his arm up slowly, palm resting on the corner of the smooth stone he had picked out himself: smooth and just big enough and slate gray with obsidian cracks spidering at the side. He always liked smiling in the cemetery, hoping that if God forbid his sin’s soul lingered he would see his father smiling and be comforted. He knew if he was ever a spirit he wouldn’t want to see his family mourn him, pain cracking their usually cheerful features. No. He’d rather them smile with the memories of their time spent together, and especially for his young child, he smiled as wide and as long as he could, simply absorbing the silence and trying his best to turn the cool indifference of the stone into warm comfort with the simple touch of his palm.

“I always wondered who it was you put all your hard earned savings towards. Though I’m deeply curious patton: if you’re mourning him down here, then why look for him up there?” Patton froze at the cold words tossed at him so carelessly, matching the rest of the room and sapping what little warmth he himself had left to offer. Standing carefully he schooled his face into what he hoped was an open expression and turned, meeting the deep brown eyes of Director Faris. 

She really shouldn’t be this intimidating he thought to himself as he bowed his head. The director was his height and only slightly chubbier, dark suit with a crisp lab coat laying carefully over it filling the picture of professionalism. Really the only thing scary about her was the necklace she wore with their society emblem carved into a small pendant, the snarling muzzle of a dog glinting in the low light. Her stern gaze never wavered from him, much as he wished it would, and the air between them had grown incredibly uncomfortable by the time she cleared her throat to indicate he could answer.

“Blind hope I suppose.” He offered weakly. “Thank you f-”

She waited patiently for him to clear his suddenly very dry throat, trying desperately to clear the gravel of disuse from his voice before he tried to speak again. “Thank you for  including a pass with my pay, the saved trip is greatly appreciated.”

“Blind hope that he survived and somehow escaped your notice for ten years?”

“A father knows.”

“So does a leader.” Faris stepped forward and  laid a hand on his shoulder. “You always have so much trouble simply letting go Patton. Let the past be.”

Patton bit back the retort of his purpose that was given to him by the director herself was finding relics of the past along with whatever could be made from present materials to bring back to the city. His purpose relied on the past and people finding new ways to innovate it so it fit into the future. That to simply let the past go- well, wasn’t so simple. He cast a longing gaze to the smooth stone sitting obliviously in the dirt, Faris’ eyes following sharply.

“Whose body do you think is down there if not your son’s? How little respect do you have for us if you think we would deceive you on such a personal level?” Patton felt a wave of guilt wash over him at those words, looking down shamefully. “Have faith, Patton. This world has no more room for questions.”

As the director's hand fell from his shoulder at last she gestured as she turned away, taking confident strides to the stairs. “Follow me when you’re ready; I have other things to discuss with you.”

Pressing his lips together, Patton took one last look at the grave marker. Doubt curled not for the first time in the back of his mind, an ever growing sapling digging its roots ever deeping in the bed of questions he had surrounding the Society in which he lived and the people put in charge of it. As one of the head researchers it didn’t sit right with him that Faris allowed so little to be questioned, instead offering up faith as the sole reason to follow whatever whim the higher ups decided to pursue. He worked only a small branch of the Society, so much was left behind closed doors he very rarely if ever had access to. There was always, always room for questions. 

“I will never stop looking for you.” He whispered quietly enough so he was sure faris wouldn’t hear before turning and hurrying towards the steps. “I promise you, Virgil.”

This work is also available on AO3!

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[marshmallowprotection]

I HAVE FINISHED TURQUOISE’S INFO (her name is now Jessamine)!

Also heres a link to the song “The Last Revolver” by Mothy, though note this is a cover with a newer version of Gumi’s voicebank, and this is also a fanmade PV remake of the original PV: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xsdMtgEJEg 

This song is directly responsible for giving me the inspiration to make Jessamine. uwu

Also ignore the weird spacing I made this in google docs originally and apparently it decided to copy paste like that and im too lazy to fix it oof also its kind of long sooo oof.

like…2398 words long ;-;

I suggest you listen to “The Last Revolver” whilst reading this. idk gives mood lol

Name: Jessamine ‘Jess’ Belle 

 Aliases (If Any): Evera (Assassin Name)

 Age: 20 (On Liam’s Death)

24 (Currently)

 Date of Birth/Birthday: Day 31 of Aria’s Star, 2045 T.C. (the equivalent of December 31st)

 Zodiac: Sagittarius 

 Status: Alive

 Species: Human

 Magic:

 Height: 5'0 (152 Centimeters)

 Ethnicity: Mijean

 Relatives: Unnamed Mother✝

Unnamed Father✝

Liam Adelson (Fiance)✝

 Birth Place: Collapsed Kingdom of Mijea, Theda

 Nationality/Current Residence: Mariah Empire, Theda

 Religion (Which Goddess Do they Worship?): None

 Occupation: Assassin Employed By Kiara Malories (Formerly)

Wandering Gunner

 Affiliations: Kiara Malories (Formerly)

Kingdom of Mijea (Formerly)

None

Personality (In Phrases): Uptight, Cold, Adorable (According to Liam), Secretly Really Kind, Just Kind of Quiet, Stubborn, Was Kind of Clingy To Liam Due To Having Literally Nobody Else, Her Parents Died In The Mercenian Invasion of The Kingdom of Mijea In 2062, And She Had Basically No Friends, So Liam Became Her Rock, She’s Still In Mourning, She’s Extremely Suicidal, Pretty Unstable, Has A Temper

 Marital Status: Engaged To Liam Adelson (Formerly)

Single

 Sexuality: Heterosexual

 Likes: Her Revolver, Macarons, Liam, Cherry Blossoms, Hummingbirds, Butterflies, The Color Purple, People Who Don’t Get In Her Way of Revenge

 Dislikes: Spicy Foods, Her Height, Kiara Malories, Mercenians, The State of Mercenia, Killing For No Reason (Developed After Liam’s Death), The Ocean (She Doesn’t Know How To Swim), People Who Do Get In Her Way of Revenge, Anyone Who Tells Her Suicide Doesn’t Solve Anything, Anyone Who Tells Her She Doesn’t Need To Get Revenge, Anyone Who Claims Liam Wouldn’t Want Her To Do [Anything Under The Sun]

 Role: Secondary Character

Debut: Undecided

 Random Facts: 

Her smile is absolutely beautiful to see. However, she hasn’t smiled since her fiance, Liam, died.

She’s one of the last pure Mijeans still alive, as most were slaughtered in the Mercenian Invasion of 2062 T.C. in a genocidal sort of fashion. There are an estimated 500 Mijeans still walking the planet, and likely a lot more half-Mijeans exist than pure Mijeans.

The revolver she currently uses is a very expensive, efficient one that is very rare, which Liam gave to her for her birthday a few hours before she realized she had to kill him. 

Jess is the definition of a person who gets really, adorably mad if you dare mention how short she is. 

Liam was 6'0, a full 12 inches taller than Jess. You can bet that Liam teased her about it constantly. 

Liam often picked up Jess in order to kiss her without hurting his neck. It wasn’t very hard since she’s fairly light. She was a flustered mess about it constantly.

When they first met, Jess didn’t tell Liam her real name on the spot, instead telling him her assassin name, Everina. He called her Ever most of the time, and when she confessed to him, that was when she told him her real name. He still called her Ever sometimes, but usually only if they were (for any reason) in public.

Very rarely, Liam called Jess “Mina”, which was a nickname he alone used for her. He only called her that during extremely personal, special moments (e.g. first kiss, kisses in general, making love, and when Jess had to kill him)

It’s very easy to fluster Jess, usually, just give her a peck on the cheek or her lips, or pick her up, and she’ll get flustered immediately.

Jess’s most sensitive spot is the right side of her neck, like sort of between her neck and shoulder. Liam used this to his advantage ;3

Jess is extremely ticklish on her sides, but nowhere else.

Jess’s favorite season is Spring due to it being when she met Liam, and her least favorite is Winter due to it being the season where she had to kill Liam.

Jess dreads and just plain old hates her birthday as her birthday doubles as the day where she had to kill Liam. 

The only reason Jess hasn’t killed herself yet is that she feels she needs to kill Kiara first as vengeance for Liam. She plans to kill herself immediately afterward.

Jess plans to give Kiara an extremely painful, long death.

Jess is terrifying when she is determined to kill someone. Seriously, don’t get in her way. Else you’ll be killed too.

Jess’s favorite things about Liam according to her was his blue eyes and his dark, maroonish hair. His eyes because to her they were beautiful and she loved staring into them, his hair because it was extremely soft. 

Jess is a total bottom 99% of the time…except one time when Liam let her top.

Liam constantly attempted to make Jess laugh, which was usually successful whether his joke was good or not, most times she laughed because his jokes were just stupid but in a funny way

Liam is 3 years older than Jess, being 22 when they met in 2064 T.C. and 23 when he died in 2065 T.C. as he was born on Day 13 of Ayja’s Star/September 13th, 2042 T.C.

Jess’s situation is a bit similar to Cora Hallow’s, as Jess lost everything she loved and became a wandering gunner, and swore revenge upon the person responsible, where Cora lost her entire family (supposedly) in the fire of Saseraia and swore revenge upon Nymeria believing her to be the one responsible; The fact that actually Jess is descended from a bastard line (descended of a bastard child of one of Cora’s descendants- also can I just say, Cora had one biological child, a daughter, who was conceived using early, experimental artificial insemination technologies and paved the way for refinement of such technologies for same-sex couples- it’s not that important but I wanted to mention it cus why not) of Cora makes it kind of ironic because history is sort of repeating itself in a way. 

The reason Liam was targeted by Kiara was that he found out what Kiara was through overhearing her talking to someone at his police station, and due to that, she wanted him dead because he was also getting in her way by rescuing some of the other people she wanted dead or killing the criminals she wanted to recruit. He was also planning to reveal to the world what she was.

Backstory: Jessamine “Jess” Belle was born the only child of a pair of general store owners in the Kingdom of Mijea on the coldest day of the year. Jess’s childhood is relatively uneventful, until when she was 17 in 2062 T.C., when the State of Mercenia invaded the Kingdom of Mijea, looking to absorb it into its territory as it was falling into chaos anyway. Jess’s parents die helping Jess escape. She flees the country and ends up passing out on the border of the Kingdom of Lavinia, being found by Kiara Malories (who is really just Aya having possessed Nymeria’s body and using the body appearance changing spell that was within Nymeria’s ability pool to make herself look different), who takes her in, on the condition,  however, that Jess becomes an assassin working for her. Having basically no other choice, Jess agrees and is taught how to use a gun by another assassin in Kiara’s employ, as it turns out Kiara had a whole group of assassins and other people working for her for vastly different reasons. Jess begins her work as an assassin for Kiara by killing about 40~ people within the next 2 years (20 per year).

 On the first day of spring (Day 1 of Xomura’s Star/February 1st, Note The Calendar of This World Is Different In Which The Year Starts In April Instead of January And Thus Ends In March) of 2064 T.C. Jess goes to a small hill with a cherry blossom tree on it, which was a spot she loved to go to think about everything. However, that day was different in a significant way: Jess met a tall man with maroon hair and eyes. She indulged him with some idle chatter, telling him her name was Everina when asked. As he talked (and flirted a bit) with her, she learned his name was Liam and that like her, he was one of the survivors of the Mercenian Invasion of 2062, but that he was spared only because he was not Mijean, rather, he was from Aleon, at least, he was born there, but his parents moved to the Kingdom of Mijea when he was young. Jess also learns he is a police officer, and due to that remains cautious of him, always being prepared to kill him in case he ever suddenly turned on her. However, as they continued to meet up together at that cherry blossom tree, Jess steadily began to trust him.

 In Summer (Day 28 of Kaila’s Star/August 28th; Summer Starts On June 20th/Day 20 of Eros’s Star In This World; Also The Year Is Now 2065 T.C. As April Has Passed), Jess was invited by Liam to a “date” according to him, though she chalked it up to him just flirting with her yet again, but accepted the invitation anyway. He took her to a park where together they watched a meteor shower that only happened once every 460 years, and that the last time this meteor shower happened was around when Archbishop Briella, the first archbishop under the new government system and after the Second Great Theda Civil War, was on her death bed. After the meteor shower was over, Liam confessed that he had fallen in love with Jess, and conflicted, Jess asked him to give her some time to think. After a few days of thinking, Jess realized she had fallen for Liam as well, and asked him to meet her under the same cherry blossom tree that had met at originally, and when they both arrived, she confessed to him that she had fallen in love with him as well. She also told him that she had lied to him about her name, as she didn’t trust him originally, and revealed to him her real name was Jessamine or Jess for short. Liam, overwhelmed with joy, picked her up and kissed her, calling her “Mina” for the first time, and over time it evolved into a special nickname that only he was allowed to call her. Liam also laughed when he saw Jess’s extremely flustered face after he kissed her.

 In Autumn, Jess and Liam’s relationship truly blossomed, and mid-way through the season, they made love for the first time. And, mid-way through the last month of the season, Harmonia’s Star, Liam proposed to her, and Jess accepted. However, near the end of the season, Jess learned her next target was a man named Liam Adelson. While she was distressed at first at seeing the name “Liam”, she calmed herself by telling herself that the Liam she was engaged to and Liam Adelson must be different people- but deep inside there was a feeling of dread that told her that the two Liams were the same person.

 In Winter, Jess asked Liam what his last name was, and he said he’d tell her if she told him hers, and she agreed. He revealed that his last name was Adelson, and in shock, she slowly said her last name was Belle before collapsing onto her knees, breaking into tears. Liam asked what was wrong but she fled not even a minute later. For the next month, she avoided Liam as much as possible, but eventually, he found her back at the cherry blossom tree they met at together all the time in mid Aria’s Star (December). Jess revealed that she was actually an assassin and that all the murders that had been happening had been her and her colleagues working. She told him she didn’t have a choice because she had nowhere else to go. She had been lying to her colleagues that she hadn’t been able to find him anywhere and that’s what it was taking so long to kill him because she desperately didn’t want to kill him. Before Liam could say another word Jess fled once again. On the 31st of Aria’s Star (December 31st), Liam got Jess a gift: a very rare, very efficient revolver, having known she had a fascination with revolvers and had planned to buy herself one. While she had originally claimed she was going to use it for self-defense, Liam knew she was likely using it to kill people. Liam managed to find Jess under the cherry blossom tree yet again, presented to her his gift. When she asked why he had gotten her a revolver, Liam told her to kill him with it. It was made to kill people as quickly as possible. He had even gotten her bullets. He told her that he didn’t want her to lose her home, or neglect what she had to do. In tears, Jess told him she didn’t want to kill him and even suggested they just run away, but Liam told her that there were others after him and that he would likely die anyway, so if he was going to die, he wanted it to be by her hand. Before Jess could say another word he picked her up and kissed her. When he finally broke the kiss, he quickly grabbed Jess’s revolver, knowing she would be unable to gain the courage to shoot him, and shot himself for her, his last words being “I love you, Mina.”

 That day, Jess ran away from Kiara and swore revenge against her. 

And to this day, in the year 2070 T.C., she still looks to do that, waiting for the day she can kill Kiara and then kill herself so she can be reunited with Liam. 

— Submission

Ah, yes, holding the gun that tilts the fate of the universe. Gumi songs always tend to have a really specific note to them and this one assuredly is wild and a lot to take in when you listen to it in the context of the Villainious series. Glad to see it play out, though. I think there’s something bittersweet about how she was forced to do this, but her love stopped her from having to stain her hands with his blood. Him taking the shot himself implies that he loves her enough to die for her if he must. 

It’s upsetting that there was no way out. But, pain and grief in stories like this provide an arc for a character to follow and deal with, and perhaps her story will not entirely end in misery, but peace and resolution of the fate that she’s been dealt and what it means to be okay with where you’re heading and what you’ve been forced through. 

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Interrupted

Summary- Curtis Everett x Y/N. Illness just seems to keep popping up in the tail end. Thinking it was finished, you and Curtis spend some time together or try to anyways. Smut- Oral.

Word Count- 6.5k

Your head was tipped forward against your knees, listening to the breathing in the bunk above you, it was raspy and shallow, so shallow. You didnt dare leave the bedside for more then a few minutes, and it had been days. You banned everyone else out of the area, since the virus was running rampant through the tail end.

You had banned everyone except Tonya from the area, Tonya refused to give you a choice, and you were grateful to have the woman there with you. You did your best to contain the virus, but it spread through the tail end rather quickly. With no medicine to distribute, it was almost impossible not to loose patients. So far youve seen the guards collect a few you couldnt help, and you could only mourn inside, not able to take a break among the sick and dying. Curtis tried several times to enter, only to have you stop him at the entrance, turning him around and pushing him away. Although he was one of the healthier members in the tail end, you wouldnt risk it.

Tonya slipped in and pulled up a stool next to you, frowning. “Girl you need some sleep. Get on out of here and I will sit with her.” Motioning to your current patient, and you shake your head, lifting it off your knees and looking at the girl. A teenager, what 14? 15? Hard to tell exact when they were train babies such as Melissa was, but she was struggling and you couldnt leave now.

“No Tonya, what if she needs me? I have to stay here.”

“Now Y/N, thats what Im here for. I dealt with Timmy being sickly right after he was born, I think I can keep watch over this child to.” Tonya placed her hand against Melissas forehead and then pulled back away.

“Still burning up, isnt she?” You ask, the girls face was flushed, sweat beading along her hair line and the blanket she was wrapped in shook as she shivered in her sleep.

“Yes, but the fever will break soon.”

“Well Im not leaving till it does.” Stubborn as always, you dip your forehead back against your knees, your hand moving up into the bed and taking the sick girls hand, squeezing lightly. Tonya doesnt pressure it further, but moves to attend to the other patient in the area, not nearly as sick, but still needing some mothers care to feel better. Soon enough Tonya could hear your softened breathing of sleep, and slipped out. She couldnt make you see reason, well... there is someone who certainly can.

Tonya marched right down the aisle, looking in all the usual spots she knew Curtis to frequent. Finally she found him with Grey, working on teaching defense techniques to a few others who had asked to learn. Right now Grey had Curtis pinned against the train wall, and as much as the larger man tried he couldnt break from his hold. “Okay man, I give.” he tapped his hand against the steel wall, and Grey released his hold. “Fuck, thought you were gonna take my arm right off that time.” He rolled his shoulder to loosen it back up when Tonya broke through the crowd. “Curtis, you gotta come get your girl.”

Frowning when he heard her, all the joking with the group gone. “Why? Whats wrong? Is she okay?” She had been in that damn medic area for days refusing to come out. She better not be fucken sick to. It was a risk, it had happened before, together you two had discussed it in the night, when you two usually talk over problems, In the end you had looked up at him in that way you do when you are being serious. “I cant not do anything Curtis.... I have to do whatever I can.” And now here he was, worried that your stubbornness put you in danger.

“No no, shes just fine.” Tonya smiled at him to ease the worry on his face, loosening as he moved to reach her, the two of them leaving the group. “Shes just bone tired and needs a good nights rest, she be sleeping now on the floor. Im sure you can move her without even waking her up.” Tonya ducked under the curtain, and sure enough you were slumped up against the frame, sound asleep. Curtis followed along inside and saw you curled up. “Oh baby... “ he whispered as he went over to you, easing a hand under your knees and embracing your back, Tonya kept the curtain open to carry you out.

You didnt even know, all you registered is familiar comforts, warmth, feeling that hollowed spot you normally fell asleep in, pressing your face in against his neck and sighing in your sleep. Feeling your breath brushing against his neck, and hearing that sigh, he chuckled softly at your soft noises and the way you curled up closer. Sliding you into the bunk, this is when you stirred, seeing him climb in behind you. “Curtis Everett, what do you think your doing, removing me?” you say groggily, moving to leave, but he catches you before you can get past him and places you back in your spot, his body blocking your exit. Unbuttoning the front of your coat, he looked at you sternly. “Tonya came to tell me you were passed out on the floor Babygirl.”

“Traitor...” You mutter but dont try to leave again, while Curtis removes your coat and eases you to sit back and you let him, cause you really are tired, and its nice to be taken cared of instead of the other way around. His hand grasps your calf and draws a leg up, removing your boot. Its not like he would let you get away anyways, once Curtis set his mind to something, that was just the way it was going to be. You had plenty of experience with that.

“So you need a break, a good nights sleep.” He draws off the other one and you shift back into your spot, folding arms over chest while he to draws off his own outer clothing to get comfortable, toeing off his boots in the process. Although your eyes are half closed your still fighting it. "Well I don't exactly know if I'm going to get a good night's sleep with you here." He yanked his beanie off and tossed it in your face, making you grin for the first time in a few days and you shoved it on your own head in retaliation.

"Mmmhhh, I love when you wear my clothes." He said as he stretched out to lay down, tugging on your shirt to join him. You yawned, one of those jaw popping ones that seemed to go on for ages. "Me to Curtis, Tonya promised to come get me if something happens?" His fingers brushed the shorter hairs near your temple back, the rest you had tightly wound in a braid. He missed being able to feel the tresses wrap around his hand, but tonight he let it go.

"She did, I made her swear it to me." Not really but he knew Tonya wouldnt hesitate to get them

"Liar, you did no such thing.... You know you dont have to stay, I'm sure it's not that late really. I can still hear the group at Gilliams" you rubbed your face in his shoulder and already worked a hand under his shirts to slide your palm lazily against his chest, your hand coming to a pause at his side, leaving it stretched across his stomach and chest Yea theres no way your letting me leave, he thought, amused you made the effort to offer though. Efficiently wrapping yourself around him, his fingers shifted from your temple down to rub along your back. "Baby we haven't been together like this is days... I missed you. Its hard to sleep alone now, it's cold and to big."

You grumble into the collar of his shirt. "You just miss the cramped sex." Snorting in muffled giggles.

"Well yea.... That to." He teased back, tilting your face up with the press of his fingers against your chin, catching your lips in a teasing kiss. "I'm a man, I got specific needs after all. Like being able to drag you off to bed."

"Mmmhm, and that's the only thing?" You nuzzle your face back against his shoulder. Its okay if I close my eyes, you think.

"The only thing worth anything tonight" He claimed and paused, sensing you must have nodded off. Your breathing was shallow exhales against his neck and your silence stretched longer then usual. Now that your finally relaxed and getting some rest, Curtis allows himself to relax and drift off. He wasnt lying when he said he had been having trouble himself getting sleep, although he wasnt complaining. You were doing what you needed to to keep people alive, he felt like he already didnt deserve you, he couldnt keep you to himself.

The hours passed without any disturbances till much later, what is now considered ‘Morning’ for the tail enders. Tonya made her way down the aisle, counting bunks. It wouldnt bode well to disturb someone else, and they all looked about the same. But she came to the one she suspected to be yours and Curtis shared space. “Curtis?” Tonya quietly says his name and Curtis reaches over to slid the curtain open enough to look out. “Yea? Everything okay Tonya?” His brow came together in worry, raising his hand to rub over his face, draw out the sleep his body was still wanting to fall back into.

“Yea Yea Curtis, I was just coming to tell you all that everything is fine, Melissas fever broke and she has already sat up and asked for a bit of food. So you tell Y/N not to rush back quite yet.”

Curtis looked over his shoulder to see you had your face buried in against the crook of your arm, and hadnt even stirred. Looking back at Tonya and smiling, he nodded. “Dont worry, I wont let her go yet to soon. Shes finally sleeping, and Im not gonna mess with that unless I have to.” Tonya gave a nod and bid farewell to Curtis, which he closed the curtain and slid back into the warmth of where you two slept. You still hadnt given any sign of waking, your shirt having ridden up your back, so he could let his palm slide against the warm softness of your lower back and the dip in your waist.

He let it slide gently, and then settle in heavily, the way you moaned and shifted in closer, seeking out the all familiar hardness and warmth, tugging your head to rest on his chest and a sigh signaled you had sunk back into that deep sleep. Your hand fisted into his shirt near his stomach and you wedged your leg around his. Wrapping yourself around Curtis, he kept his rubs on your back gentle, soothing. You stayed that way for a couple more hours, and Curtis was content to doze in and out during this period.

But when you woke up, it was with a jerk, your head lifting and not registering where you were, your hand pressed against his lower stomach making him gasp a bit as you sat up. “Oh shit, Curtis Im sorry” You squeak, his hat you stolen earlier was hanging half off your head, hair pulled out of your braid all curling around your face. He rubbed his lower stomach, and chuckled with a groan. “Its okay baby, but jeeze! You woke up like someone stuck you with a hot poker, why?” He moved to an elbow, half on his hip to face you.

“My patient, it occurred to me I should check on Melissa.” You confess with a guilty look, and Curtis reached up, removing his hat, and brushing back your hair with his hand. You looked like you were caught doing something wrong, although if he had it his way, you wouldnt have moved, rather content himself having you wrapped all around him.

“Tonya already came Babygirl, Melissa is fine. Her fever broke middle of the night, and shes asked for food, water. Sitting up.” Your eyes widen and a smile breaks out as you cant help contain the overall relief and joy you feel hearing that. “Oh thank god.... “ You breath out and lay on your back near where Curtis is leaning on his elbow looking down. Studying you for a moment, then saying. “You will feel better if you go check on her wont you.” You give a sheepish smile and nods, making him roll his eyes.

“Okay, lets go Y/N. Pain in the ass” He mutters teasing as you two get on your boots, and he slides out, turning around and grasping you around your waist, he lifts you down. Right now nothing could ruin your good mood, your patient was going to be okay. After all the one who came to you to late to help, you saved one. You considered it a win given the conditions you all live in. Pausing Curtis, you dont want him possibly getting sick, but no regards to yourself, you dart right on in. Curtis waits all of five seconds and just follows you in as well.

“Hey Melissa” You say as you go to the girl, Tonya doing some wash off in the corner and hanging stuff around to dry. The girl grins, picking at a protein block. How you wish you could get that girl some of your moms chicken noddle soup like you had back in the day. But she seemed so much better, some proper color in her face, her eyes werent that burning red, no runny nose or heavy wet coughs like a couple days ago.

“Hey Y/N, Curtis” she nods to the both of you, smiling. You perch on the edge of the bed, and reach out to touch her forehead. It was nice and cool this time around, the fever seemed to be truly gone. “Tonya said if you thought it was fine, I could probably walk around a bit today, my legs are itching for a stretch.” She leaned forward to grab her toes, effectively stretching her legs and back in the process, but it certainly wouldnt hut. “I dont see why you cant, just dont wander off to far and stick to the aisle.” You smile at the girl, whom in turn looks so relieved, you glance at the other bed and see it empty. Turning to ask Tonya, she never looked up from her project.

“I sent them on there way. It was nothing but an bit of wanting attention.” You smirk and look at Curtis and he scowls a bit, rolling eyes. He was in no way acting like that.

“Everything sounds good then, best day weve had in weeks.” You move to a stand and head to leave. “I will go tell Gilliam, so he can spread the news that short of a patient, we seem to be on the mend.” Tonya nodded, and once more the two of you left.

Once you were further away, you tugged on Curtis coat and backed the two of you in between a set of Pipework, dragging him down to kiss him deeply. You caught him by surprise for all of 2 seconds, but he responded in kind, an hefty moan coming from his throat, and his hands grasped your ass. Curtis pulled you up to your tip toes, to press against his hips so you can feel him getting hard just for you, so you could feel his whole body coiled, ready to claim you are his. Your hands grasp his biceps to hold onto, letting him lead the kiss now, his tongue filling your mouth, his lips pulling on yours till they were swollen, red. Once he broke, you were left panting softly, not really from loss of air, but in need.

“If it hadnt been like 2 weeks, I would ask why” He growls, squeezing your ass again as he finishes lifting you to perch on the edge of one of the water pipes, and your biting your lip looking at him in the same lust that he now had blazing in his eyes.

“Why is because its been 2 weeks Curtis that Im like this, you think I was implying it was just you needing some of that TLC Tonya was talking about?” Your hands cant help themselves, prying up his shirt enough to reach underneath the hem and sliding your hands over his stomach and chest, sure to curl your fingers and letting your nails slide slowly down over his nipples, along his pecs, sure to trail over his abs. He shuddered under your touch, and your legs part to draw him in closer, wrapping your thighs around his hips, letting yourself lean into him, tracing an ear with your lips, whimpering. “Fuck I have missed you Curtis Everett” You nip at his ear lobe, sucking on it.  

This caused a slight rumble from his chest as he pulled in against where you were perched, and rolling your hips in against where his erection was achingly large bulge in his pants. Two weeks might not have been that long, but you was feeling it now in every way that counted and you were shrugging off your coat and dropping it, Curtis pressed up your shirt, impatient to tease you, he nipped on one hard tip already sensitive to the fabric. Dragging your teeth across your bottom lip and grasping his head to press him closer.

You start squirming, his mouth making your bra wet and clinging to your skin, his teeth still sharp through the fabric, whimpering sharply to get his attention, pressing your feet against the back of his thighs. “Curtis. Get. It Off!” you stressed about your bra, but he just tilts his head to tease the opposite side, a glance up of his blue eyes chuckling at you before he slid his hands up to finish getting rid of your shirt. “Impatient baby girl? I was having fun.” You give him a glaring look at his smug teasing one and go to take your bra off.

He caught your wrists though before you could, clicking his tongue against his teeth. “Oh I will take it off when Im ready.... “ His hand going up your back and toying with the clasp but not releasing it yet. His head dipped against yours and he claimed your lips, in more of a bite then a kiss, your tongue daring to meet his, the only opening he needed to turn it into a strong heated kiss, he actually pulled you a bit forward in it, where you wrapped your arms around his neck to keep from falling off the pipework

Suddenly you felt his hand yank your bra away and a warm hand clasp around a breast, pushing and squeezing, you hadnt even realized he unclasped it in the first place. He sucked on the curve as he plumped it towards his mouth, dipping a hand to rub between your thighs, tracing that cored center that was covered in clothing, damn in the way clothing. You so wanted to feel those thick fingers just open you right up for him, plunging into you over and over till you came undone all over him.  

“You all wet and messy down there baby?” A nod on your part, rocking your hip and groaning when you felt him push back so you could get some friction.Your starting to pant, and fist your hands into his coat so you could lever yourself further, and thats when your name, once more for the hundredth fucking time, it felt like in those two weeks, was called. No, fuck no!, your mind is crying out in frustration, and he curses much more louder at having your moment taken away. You give a soft cry when he moves his hand and clasps your thigh as your still jerking slightly to keep you seated on the pipework, and moving enough so your naked chest would be covered by his broad shoulders. “I know baby, just hold on.”

Hiding your face against his chest, you could feel the rumble start before he even yelled out “Shes occupied! Is this an emergency?” And the person looking for you paused, now seeing Curtis just beyond some of the pipework, glaring over his shoulder at them. “Errr- well no, not really, we were just-” Curtis cut him off right there. “Get the fuck out of here now. She will find you later... “ There was a pause and a wide eyed look, he turned on his toes and promptly walk away. Your hands smooth against Curtis chest, trying not to laugh, biting the inside of your cheek as you peek up. Oh the frustration you were feeling was written all over his face. But a thoughtful look crossed. “Do you trust me?”

“Uhhh with my life yes, why?”

He reached down to yank your discarded coat off the floor and wrapped it around you, and then grabbed your other discarded clothing. Pressing a shoulder to your midsection, he lifted you off the pipework with a clasped hand over your ass, making you laugh and try to twist enough to look him in the face. “Curtis! what are you doing?” You duck your head to keep from looking at people you two were passing. Not that it mattered, everyone knew who you were. He seemed to be looking for an empty lower bunk, and he dropped you in one, skittering back as he followed you in.

There was no slowing Curtis down, he slipped his coat off. “Take your coat off, mines bigger” You did as he asked, unsure why. Nervous as anyone walking by could probably see you, he shrugged his off and draped it around you, yanking off his shirts and balled them up to toss them in the corner of the bunk. “Pants off” He directed and you worked them down, falling back to kick them off. Kneeling before you, his hands clasped around your waist and he fell back, dragging you to straddle his chest, your hands slapping against the bunks frame work to keep from falling forward. “Curtis!” you exclaim in surprise, and he shifts enough to get himself comfortable.

“I want you to ride my face.”

“Ride your face?!” You tried tightening your thighs at the idea, but his shoulders are firmly wedged between your knees. “I would suffocate you.”

“Babygirl, your not going to suffocate me. Its going to make you feel so good. Didnt you say you trusted me?” his tongue darted on his lip in anticipation, blue eyes flashing for you to take the challenge, to trust what he wanted. You worked your own lip, nervous, intrigued at the idea. He splayed out his coat you were still wearing, making it so you two were tented. Curtis though got a full view of you, from how you were seated. Your wet little pussy pressing against his chest, your stomach tightening, although you had nothing to worry about, to your breasts, so perfect in the way the fit his hands, how responsive you were to his tongue. Fuck you were beautiful, and all his. Always will be all his. A smirk flashed up at you, and his hands cupped your heart shaped ass, sliding fingers around the curves and pressing against your cheeks. “Come on babygirl, let me taste that pretty little pussy, let it just soak my face.”

You bite your cheek, and then nod, arching up to shift closer and hover over his face, still nervous about what hes asking for. But once you committed, he guided you in closer and before you could pull back, he buried his face into your pussy, giving a deep swipe through your slick folds where you had been so close to coming last time. “Oh-OH!” you huff and look to find anything to grab onto, lifting your arms above your head to grasp the metal frame work. His arms fold over your thighs to keep you from lifting away from him, and actually press you down onto his face harder.

There was thick long licks filling your entrance and up to flick his tongue against your clit, swirling figure eights around the swollen bud till it was driving you mad, then sharp bite would tug on it, swelling further, teasing more till a gush of arousal would flood you, making him groan in appreciation. The hairs of his beard would burn your folds, scratching the tender skin. You couldnt pull away if you wanted to. Fuck you didnt want to, he was making you feel uncontrolled bliss, your hips rolling to follow his tongues strokes.

He moved his hands, moving from your thighs to dig into your lower back and continue pushing you down on his face. Muffled, but you still heard him say. “So fucken good sweetheart.” The compliment, and that particular curl of his tongue filling you along with the plunge of fingers curling in a come hither motion when he added that extra stretch, stroking your overly tender channel made your eyes roll back, and you fought some of the pressure he had on your back from his remaining splayed hand,  his hold was relentless, and you fucked his face cause that was all your body was capable of doing. There was no holding your self back, crying out his name. “Curits Oooh god!”

Humming underneath you, Curtis didnt hold back, enjoying every bit of you, from the way your pussy flooded in arousal, the roll of your hips slicking across his face, to those tiny mewls and squeals when he licked at a particularly delicious spot, and you would clench yourself around his fingers. It was sloppy, messy and Curtis was all set to be doing this again with you.

“Curtis- ah, baby. Fuck.... “

Another curling lick and several deep pumps of his digit in your tight hole.

“Mmmhhh yes baby?” He muttered before circling your clit once more, dragging his tongue over it and sucking the button between his teeth, rolling gently to hear you whine once more and reach down to clasp his head, pressing him in tighter.

“Oh sonofabitch” your words are whined out, run together in a lust filled cry. “Baby, I cant hold back anymore...”

You could feel him chuckling underneath you, his hand shifting from your back and sliding to find your breast, squeezing firmly to help you along. You grab your other one, the firm sting bringing you higher. “Then what are you waiting for, let me have it.”

You panted, you grind on him, at this point you were all about reaching that snap, and Curtis was fine helping you along, finding your g-spot, he rubbed the pads of his fingers across, it, lapped at your juices dripping and was sure to pay attention to your clit once more, teasing that little trigger bud. Chanting his name helped, maybe it was your way of telling him that you were his, you had no idea. It just fell from your parted lips, and gasping breaths. Your anchor from flying much to high. The man was bringing you to burn in your orgasms flames, but his name was your anchor to keep you safe. You allowed to waves to rock your body in quakes, his hands embracing you to keep you from falling. You squirted, several times, and diligent he cleaned the mess before easing you back a bit, and moving to a sit, cradling you in his lap.

You felt like liquid bliss in his arms, supple and content, maybe even a bit tired, although in your opinion he did all the work. Curtis hand came up to wipe his face clean, his beard though, still glistened from your mess, and honestly that just made you feel so damn sexy knowing that. You blush slightly, thinking about what you just did, and he grinned, feathering kisses across your face. “I dont know about you babygirl, but I really enjoyed that”

“Yea Curtis that was.... that was intense.” You admitted, stretching out your arms and rolling your wrists to stretch out. Your whole body just felt so content in that moment, wrapping his coat a bit further around you to keep yourself hidden from any passerbys. This wasnt the safety of your bunk. There was no curtain to hide the two of you away, although there was an abundance of shadows, and his black coat did well in keeping the two of you out of sight. Quiet though... well there was no real way to keep quiet.

“Im voting we do that again soon.” He is tilting your face to meet his and he kissed you slowly, you moaned softly at your taste now flooding you now, it was sinful, and you were loving it, rubbing your body against him, licking and sucking on his bottom lip, you pulled back and bit your lip. Curtis roamed his hands over your body, settling against the swell of your hips, loving how affectionate you were, that he was able to turn you on and satisfy you in any way you needed. Curtis was sure to see the flare of red in your cheeks, and the hushed whisper as if you were worried someone would hear you.

“Do tell why we never did that before” you thoroughly enjoyed it, and your hand found his erection pressing into his pants, forming your palm around him and stroking through the fabric. You were rewarded by his shuddering form, and a hiss between his teeth as his jaw snapped shut. After all he made you feel good, very good... it would only do to return the favor. Curtis let his head fall forward, the sensations riddling his body. Something so simple as your touch could bring so much pleasure. The slightly squeeze of your palm cupping around him made him throb, ache, need.

You leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Oh Curtis, so big.” Nipping on his jawline and breathing in against his skin. It was a comforting feeling, your lovers hands so possessive holding onto your hips and the way he grew, hard, how whole body rigid just from your touch. He had the power over you, and you had the power over him, and how you loved giving him this kind of bliss, when the world would narrow between the two of you, just for a little while.

Dragging your tongue along the pulse of a vein in his neck, just a little more pressure, a little more friction causing his deep rumble from his chest making you squeeze your thighs together excitedly. He had rumbled frequently in a similar fashion when he was eating you out as a man starved, your hands moved up from his erection to tug on his pants. It was then another voice called your name out, the tone stressed as it searched you out. Your eyes lifted to meet Curtis, and his darkened gaze snapped in frustration, cursing out. “Son of a fucking bitch... “ The tight grasp he had on your bare hips loosened and went to tug his jacket wrapped around your body closed to cover your nakedness, and he moved to sit on the edge of the bunk you two just happened to be occupying to block the majority of the view behind him.

Curtis rubbed at his head, and his gaze sought out the woman further down, looking and asking for you, pausing at random people, her words hurriedly rushed only to meet with shaking heads and shrugs. He could tell she was a bit scared, a bit panicked. Great. Behind him, your hands slipped on his back as you curled up behind him, looking over his shoulder to see the same thing he did. “Curtis we have to help her” Your words were soft in his ear, and for once he wanted to ask, why? We dont know her... But instead he barked out a “Hey! down here” and she rushed to you two. “Oh thank god... please, its my son. I dont know whats wrong with him.”

You can see the panic riddling her face, how could you say no. “Of course, give me five minutes... Kathy, right?” you say, your hands still rubbing against Curtis back to calm him, you could feel him still on edge from playing earlier, from getting interrupted again. Kathy nodded and you smiled reassuringly. “Bring him to the medic area, Tonya might be there.”

You watched her rush away and you nuzzled Curtis neck, kissing softly before puling away to put clothes on, Curtis fell back, cursing once more under his breath. “I swear to fucking god, one day were going to have a room, with a fucking steel door.” That made you chuckle softly as you clasp your bra back on and tug on your shirt, moving to lean over him and nipped his lips, mummering against them. “Why steel? To keep everyone out?” you pulled back away to grab your panties and pants to tug them on. He smirked as he tipped his head back further to watch you, flashing him a nice glimpse of your ass, the wiggle making him rub his palm against his chest, spiking his heart rate. “Keep them out, maybe keep you in more like.”

That caused you to arch a brow at him and move over to the edge, sitting next to him to put your boots on. “Good luck with that handsome.” you shake your head while leaning down to wrap the shoestring around the boot a few times and tie it in the front, then double knotting it. You straighten out and pat his chest. “But you can try, I will let you have that.” Your about to get up and his hand catches you gently.

“I will be by in a few, m’kay?” He pulled himself up to sit, and looked behind to grab his shirt he had ditched earlier. Nodding as you go to a stand “Take your time, Im sure its nothing. We will pick this up later, dont think Ive forgotten I owe you a little something something” You teased as you got up and left him. Curtis watched you head down and groaned as he reached behind to get the coat you were wearing earlier, wrapping his hand in the still warm fabric, shrugging it on with a soft smile just for himself thinking of how much you had enjoyed yourself. Giving a slight whistle that was out of character for him, he went to go check on another matter.

Entering the medic area, you reach your hands into a bucket of water and give them a quick scrub, looking over at your patient. His face was drawn, dark circles under his eyes and his hand was pressed against his stomach. You are sure to smile at the boy when he looks at you, and you go to kneel before him so your level with him. His mother, Kathy fretted nearby, but you focused on the boy.

“Hi, my names Y/N” you hold out your hand as you would with any adult to shake hands. He glances at it a moment, and slips his smaller one in yours. Giving a pump, you drop it. “Your mom tells me your not feeling good, wanna tell me about that?”

His hand went back to his belly, and he took a deep breath, turning green, the look of being about to vomit crossing his drawn face. Oh damn! You move to get back up and take his hand. “Over here quick” You lead him to the sink and he drops his head in. Your hand rubs his back while he gags into it, Kathy coming up behind the two of you. “Jacks been that way all day, there isnt even anything left for him to toss.” You nod and once the boy finishes heaving under your hands, you bring him back to sit down on the edge of a bunk. “How long you been feeling this way Jack?”

He looked so dejected before you, humping forward a bit as he leaned his hands on either side of his legs, pressing them against the mattress, and his shoulders pulled in and together. “Since last night...”

“Did you eat or drink anything unusual Jack?” You questioned while searching him, your fingers brushing along his face, searching his eyes, feeling his forehead. He felt warm, but that could be caused from him just upchucking and heaving. Giving a shake of his head, you eased him to lie down. “You eat just your protein bar, did someone give it to you or did you pick it out of the wagon?”

“No mom got it for me” Which Kathy nodded to confirm.

“Its just easier if I go then having him wait in line, they know Im a parent so the guards dont give much of a fuss when I take two or three bars. It was just like any other time, I grabbed two off the top.”

Listening, you turned back to Jack and had him open his mouth to see if it was discolored. Afterwards you secured a bucket to be near the bunk, you had suspicions as to what was going on, how easy would it be for them to mess with there food and water supply. Certainly not wanting to cause Kathy to panic, you pull up a blanket around the boy. “Kathy, stay with Jack and I will be right back” Excusing yourself, you looked both ways trying to figure out where Curtis was, biting your lip in indecision until you saw him heading your way. Twisting to head his way, the smile on his face was a rare occurrence and you didnt really want to take it away. “Hey babygirl, just coming to see you.”

“Curtis, we got a problem I think.” You pull him off to the side for a second of privacy, spitting out what you walked into, getting to the last part.  “I think they are putting poison in our food”

“Well hold on, are you sure Y/N? I mean, so far its just the one case.” He frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. “If we think our food is getting poisoned, its going to cause panic.”

Maybe you were jumping the gun, your arms folding over themselves and you glanced back towards the medic bay, biting your lip. You could be over reacting. The moment of indecision was soon taken away from you, Curtis could see that it was a battle behind your eyes, and his fingers grasped your chin, making him look at you.

“Wait a few days and see if there are anymore cases. If there is, then we will discuss as a group with Gilliam.”

You nodded, of course. It made sense not to cause a panic.

@curtisbbq​ @what-is-your-plan-today​ @jtargaryen18​ @p8tn0lish​ @stardancerluv​ @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​ @official-and-unstable-satan​ @thatweirdwalangpake @imanuglywombat​

[marsbaumer]

hello !! the name is cal, pronouns they/them, and i’m in the est timezone. i’m so very excited to bring my kiddo mars to the deja brew !! listed below is going to be some information on the little mess. at the very bottom i’ve listed some possible connections as well that i think would be neat to explore. if you would like to plot feel free to like this and i’ll come to your ims or let me know if you’d prefer to plot over discord. i am very excited and look forward to writing with you all uwu

basics

name: mars baumer job: baker at deja brew & podcast host age: twenty-three gender: nonbinary pronouns: she/they sexuality: bisexual / biromantic birthday: april 2nd zodiac: aries personality type: the entertainer | esfp pinterest board: click here

regular order

large black coffee with a shot of caramel & whipped cream on top

aesthetics

listening to conspiracy podcasts in a deadbeat car in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night

the wafting smell of freshly made blueberry muffins and pockets of sunshine that warm your skin

 skinned knees covered by alien themed band-aids

theme song: boy bye by brockhampton

ring in their ears like a bark always feel left in the dark trauma the price for the patience character shift like an arc move like my shit stay in park don't feel the love or respect grip like a hand on my neck this is the year, place your bets (boy, bye)

positive & negative

brash ( adj ) : self-assertive in a rude, noisy, or overbearing way.

sagacious ( adj ) : having or showing keen mental discernment and good judgment; shrewd.

planetary commentary: updates every thursday @ 3:33am

planetary commentary is a podcast that focuses on all sorts of topics though they primarily tend to center around conspiracy theories, murder mysteries, missing people cases, space, lgbtqa+ subjects, and the occasional book or movie reviews. it could be seen as a bit of a messy podcast, however, it has gained quite the following over the year and a half its been available. ( first premiered may 1st, 2017 )

the chronicles of unknowing: updates every sunday @ 3:33am

a sci-fi, fantasy podcast centered around a boy as he journeys through a strange and mysterious land. he could not recall his name nor how he ended up in such an empty place. he simply woke up one day in a empty house where faceless photos presented themselves on dusty walls. how will he deal with the loneliness this empty town envokes and how will he choose to proceed when there is no clear direction? join the nameless boy as he logs his journey via tape recorder. ( first premiered october 1st, 2019 )

then

mars was born to their mother in the early hours of april second after tiring hours of labour. her mother, anastasia baumer, was over the moon to have her child in her arms after nine long months. it was a lonely celebration, though. no one was there to congratulate her or see her beautiful baby. no, instead, she welcomed mars into the world with just herself as family.

being a working single mother was tough, the money that anastasia’s parents had left her helped in mars’ younger years before they were old enough to go into daycare. things were bound to get more difficult as life went on as the finances were harder to keep up with, especially rent which only increased over the years. still, the child and mother duo were happy and lived life to its fullest. sure, mars couldn’t join any extracurricular sports, but they enjoyed writing and helping their mother with cooking/baking.

of course, life just couldn’t sort itself out for them. no matter how much anastasia gave, the world only took and took and took. it only made sense for the world’s greed to fall on mars as well. on their twelfth birthday, their mother made a choice to go out in the rain to pick up their birthday cake. she never made it home. mars waited up all night until the police came knocking to deliver the news.

( death tw ) a hit and run. she was left to die in the rain alone. that was probably the worst part. the fact that life couldn’t be gentle with her even til the end. mars wanted the hard truth. what was their mother’s last moments like? who left her to die? why would they do such a thing? there were so many questions they had and the police, with much hesitance, answered to the best of their abilities. their mother’s best friend met them at the station. she attempted to stay strong, however even in her righteous anger, tears swept her cheeks. it was a long month that followed.

left alone, mars was placed in foster care. the system was incredibly difficult to move through. they ended up being incredibly difficult to handle between poorly adjusting in school and slipping out of the houses. it took two years of swapping between three foster homes before they found the knox household. the knox’s consisted of cillian and avery knox as well as their son isak. it was a somewhat strange ensemble that mars joined. isak was cillian’s son from a previous marriage before he’d met avery and fell harder than ever before. it was...cute. they gave them space and isak was different from the other kids they ended up staying with previously. for starters, he was only a year younger than them. he complimented their vibe the first time they met and then asked what they thought about aliens. needless to say, their introduction into the knox’s dynamic and to each of them personally was a welcomed change.

fourteen years old, mars finally found a place they could settle down in and mourn their mother while attempting to settle. it was nice, living with avery- living with another person of colour, who encouraged their desire to explore different styles and, later on, pronouns when they started to question their gender. the support of cillian and isak as well encourage their unique interests and desire to learn about their self. the family helped them in ways they could never pay back. 

( cancer tw, death tw ) life never failed to come back to ruin them. they had at least six years of blissful peace before isak began to get sick. it was a terrible time and took a while to catch on to. yet, the diagnosis wasn’t promising. cancer never was. isak held out a while against the leukemia that made him sick. almost a year, in fact, before he ended up passing. the devastation they felt was an echo of the past as they lost their best friend and brother. 

now

two years later found mars living outside the knox household and in a two bedroom apartment with someone they found on craig’s list or something. they liked to introduce them and tell tales about how they ended up rooming together, even going as far as claiming they found them on the side of the road. 

mars has been working at the deja brew for about two years now. after dropping out of school for when isak was sick, they decided not to return. their fathers were disgruntled, but allowed it. after all, they were there on scholarship anyways. they had expected them to return, however, mars has yet to show any interest in continuing their program.

mars can come across as a very detached individual, however, they are in actuality very passionate. get them speaking about something they have an interest in and they seem to do a complete 180 in personality as they talk. 

they enjoy experimenting in the kitchen, whether it be baking or cooking. occasionally, they’ll have their co-workers and some customers try one of their end products to get a gauge on how it turned out. unfortunately, they’re not always good. most of the time they’re stomach-able, though, so that’s good.

they just began a new podcast titled the chronicles of unknowing. they haven’t told anyone, but the main character is based off of their brother. they wanted to remember him and transform their grief into something that could possible help others but also potentially allow for isak to still touch peoples lives.

they publish the podcasts under the pseudonym mercury as they believe it takes the whole act of them creating away from their self and focuses things on the actual content they put out.

[splendidlyimperfect]

It’s been thirteen years since Natsu and Gray met in a program for troubled youth - since they both fell apart and helped put each other back together. Now they’re married and happy, loving each other and the shared family they found. But the past doesn’t always stay past, and when the things that broke them come back into their lives, Natsu and Gray have difficult decisions to make - ones that could change their lives forever.

Chapter Summary: Natsu's dad contacts him, and Natsu isn't sure how to handle it.

Chapters (6/?):  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 Rating: Mature Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Rogue Cheney/Sting Eucliffe, Laxus Dreyar/Freed Justine Characters: Natsu Dragneel, Gray Fullbuster, Rogue Cheney, Sting Eucliffe, Freed Justine, Laxus Dreyar, Wendy Marvell, Chelia Blendy, Ultear Milkovich, Lyon Vastia, Lucy Heartfilia Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Aged-Up Character(s), Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Married Couple, Established Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Drug Addiction, Mental Health Issues, Foster Care, Family Issues, Tumblr: FTLGBTales, Grief/Mourning, Childhood Trauma, Bipolar Disorder, Adoption, Families of Choice, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character, Genderfluid Character, Forgiveness, Absent Parents, they're really in love but are sometimes dumb, Natsu is a stubborn shit Series: Part 14 of the only hope for me is you, Part 3 of if you jump i’ll break your fall

—–

Three days later, Natsu got a reply. He was coming back from the washroom at three in the morning when he saw his phone flashing with a message and picked it up.

Wow… I don’t even know what to say. Hey, I guess?

Natsu sat down heavily on the bed, staring at the words before opening the message window. Neelan was online – the little green dot beside his name made Natsu’s stomach twist.

He looked over at Gray, who was fast asleep with Happy curled up next to him. A few stray hairs fell in Gray’s eyes and Natsu reached over, gently brushing them away and running his finger down Gray’s cheek.

Gray mumbled something, shifting onto his side and pulling the pillow closer to him.

“Hey, Snowflake,” Natsu whispered. “You awake?”

The only response was a soft snore, and Natsu looked back at his phone uncertainly. He shuffled until his back was pressed up against Gray’s legs but turned so that the light from his phone screen wasn’t hitting Gray’s face.  

hey, he typed, then sat there, thumbs hovering over the keys for a moment before hitting ‘send.’ His stomach clenched and he reached out for Gray, ready to wake him up, but his phone buzzed again.

I’m sorry it took me so long to respond.

Natsu wished he could hear the emotion behind the words as they travelled across the screen. Was Neelan angry? Happy? Frustrated? Did he want to have this conversation, or was he ready to tell Natsu to leave him alone?

Another message popped up. How are you? You probably have lots of questions.  

Natsu stared at his phone, trying to figure out how to answer.

yeah i guess, he replied eventually. i didnt think id look for u but my foster sister found her mom and it made me think. u live pretty close. its kinda weird.

Neelan’s reply came quicker than Natsu expected. I never thought you’d want to look for me. You’re what, thirty now?

Natsu typed back a quick yeah, then tipped his head back and rubbed his face. A million questions were running through his mind, and he wasn’t sure what to say.

Continue reading on AO3

I’m not sure how to ask this, Neelan wrote, but… did you find a family? Were you okay after I left? I’m really sorry things turned out the way they did.

A spike of anger and hurt flared up in Natsu’s chest and he curled up in on himself, swallowing back the tears that suddenly pressed at the back of his eyes. How was he supposed to answer that?

im married now, he said eventually. he’s my family.

After he hit send, a wave of trepidation washed over him – he hadn’t even thought about the idea of coming out to his dad. It was something everyone in his life already knew, and nobody had ever had a problem with it. But what if his dad did? Natsu’s palms felt slick and he nearly dropped his phone when it buzzed again.

I’m really happy for you. I saw your last name was different. What’s his name?

Natsu exhaled, pressing his forehead to his knees and glancing over at Gray again. He ran his fingers through Gray’s hair, thinking again about waking him up. Everything felt surreal, like this was just a movie about somebody else who was hurt and broken and unsure.

gray, he replied. weve been maried for 10yrs.

Wow. Do you have any kids?

The question stung. Natsu wiped at his face before answering no, then set his phone face-down on the bed next to his pillow and ran his hands through his hair. Happy made a sound that was half-purr, half-grumble, and stretched himself out, then headbutted Natsu until Natsu scratched his back.

The phone buzzed twice and Natsu reached out for it, then drew back his hand, shaking his head. He was exhausted, suddenly, and the ache in his chest made him feel heavy.

He moved the phone off to the side of the bed, then curled back up under the covers, shifting until his back was pressed to Gray’s chest. Gray made a soft, sleepy sound, wrapping his arm around Natsu’s waist and pressing his face to the back of Natsu’s neck.

“I love you,” Natsu whispered, threading his fingers through Gray’s and squeezing his hand tightly. Gray tucked his knee between Natsu’s legs, and Natsu sighed, relaxing into the embrace. This was his home. No matter what his dad said, Natsu was safe here, with Gray.

~

Natsu meant to tell Gray as soon as they woke up the next morning, but when he yawned and rolled over, he realized he was alone in bed. The shower was running, and Natsu considered joining Gray, then looked over at his phone and groaned. He reached out and grabbed it but didn’t look at the screen, setting it face-down on his chest and taking a few deep breaths.

Why did you leave? he thought, rubbing his face. That’s all he needed to type. He didn’t even need to look at the other messages from last night – they weren’t important. All Natsu cared about was the answer. He didn’t need a relationship with someone who left.

Finally, he opened his notifications and stared at the messages from his dad.

I feel awful for leaving you, the first one read. I think about you a lot. I just couldn’t be a dad, and I know that’s hard to understand. I thought you’d be better off without me.  

The next one said, I know it doesn’t make it better, but it hurt me a lot to leave you, too. I still have a picture of us in my wallet.

It was accompanied by a snapshot of a faded, worn picture of Neelan, looking like he was in his early twenties. In his lap was Natsu – maybe around three years old, chubby-cheeked with messy brown hair and a missing front tooth. He was gazing up at Neelan with bright eyes and a wide smile.

Natsu stared down at the picture. At first, all he could see was the adoring way he was looking at his father. Then he started picking up other details – the bracelet Neelan wore, the swingset in the background, a residue of sticky ice cream on little Natsu’s cheeks. Neelan’s hair was pulled back in a similar ponytail to the one Natsu had now, and he wore a hoodie with Magnolia’s hockey team logo on the chest.

Natsu swallowed, rubbing his face as a hot flush crept across his face and something unfamiliar bubbled in his stomach.

wow, he typed back after staring at the picture for several minutes. i dont have any picturs of me when i was little.

I have more, if you’d like to see them, came the almost immediate response. I’m sure you look a lot different now.

Before Natsu could think about what he was doing, he opened his photo folder and scrolled through them until he came to one that Gray had taken a few weeks ago, of Natsu with Sylvie at the night market in Richmond. They were both holding up cups of bubble tea and grinning at the camera.

Natsu clicked ‘share,’ and when the message popped up that the picture was sent, the bubbling in his stomach intensified. It took a few minutes for Neelan to respond, and Natsu was about to start panicking when the words finally popped up.

You look just like your mom.

“Hey, you.” Gray’s voice snapped Natsu out of his trance and he closed the app quickly, guilt filling his chest. Gray stood in the doorway to the bathroom in a t-shirt and boxers, damp hair hanging in his face, squinting over at Natsu. “How’d you sleep?” he asked, moving over to the bed and grabbing his glasses from the side table.

“Good,” Natsu said, shoving his phone under his pillow and shuffling over to Gray’s side of the bed. He caught Gray around the waist, pulling him in and kissing his cheek. “You been up for a while?”

Tell him, Natsu thought. Just say it. ‘I found my dad.’

“Yeah, I just got back from the pool,” Gray said, wrapping his arms around Natsu’s shoulders. “I was gonna wake you up, but you were snoring, and you looked like you needed the sleep.”

Natsu snorted, then tugged Gray down onto the bed with him until they were curled up together and Natsu could run his fingers through Gray’s hair. Gray hummed happily, closing his eyes and shifting closer.

“I…” Natsu swallowed, forcing himself not to look back at his phone.

Gray tipped his head back to look at Natsu. “What’s wrong?” he asked, and Natsu’s heart sank as Gray’s face quickly transformed from content to concerned. It was that look, the one that made Natsu feel safe and helpless at the same time. This Gray was cautious, and if Natsu told him, he’d start asking questions Natsu couldn’t answer.

Is he sober? How did you find him? He could be lying. He left you. It was probably drugs. Be careful.

“Nothin’,” Natsu said, shaking his head and kissing Gray’s forehead. “Still tired, that’s all.” Gray frowned, but before he could ask any more questions, Natsu poked him in the ribs and said, “y’know what would wake me up?”

“What?” Gray asked, giving Natsu an unimpressed look and swatting away his finger good-naturedly. Natsu forced himself to smile.  

“Pancakes.”

~

Natsu didn’t check his phone again until he got to work. He gave Sting a quick wave through the back window, then headed to the office, dropping his bag under the desk and taking a deep breath before opening his messages.

There were three pictures from Neelan. One was of him holding Natsu as a tiny baby, almost too small to be real; another was of Natsu as a toddler playing at the beach.

The last one was of a young, pretty girl, maybe sixteen or seventeen, with long, black hair and brown skin just like Natsu’s. She was sitting on the end of a slide at a playground, toes dug into the sand, laughing with her head thrown back as the sun set in the background.

Natsu let out the breath he’d been holding, touching the picture carefully with shaky fingers. The girl was so young and looked so pretty, and all Natsu could think about was that she was dead.

“Who’s that?”

Natsu nearly dropped his phone when Sting appeared behind him, looking at the picture over his shoulder. Part of Natsu wanted to close it or make something up, but he couldn’t stop himself from whispering, “my mom.”

Sting froze behind him, then touched Natsu’s arm gently. Natsu took a shaky breath, turning around slowly and slumping into the office chair.

“Are you okay?” Sting asked gently, crouching down in front of Natsu. “Hey, Natsu, look at me,” he said gently. “C’mon, breathe.”

Natsu shook his head, relinquishing his grip on the phone as Sting took it from him and set it on the desk. He looked over at the picture again, taking an unsteady breath before exhaling sharply and looking down at Sting.

“I found my dad,” he said, the words spilling out of him. “He—I looked on Facebook, I’m so stupid, I don’t know why I didn’t do it before, and he lives in Victoria, he’s been… fucking, two hours away this whole fucking time, and I didn’t even think, and then he said he was sorry and he missed me and…” He paused, when whispered, “I look like my mom.” He didn’t even realize it was crying until his vision got burry, and he wiped his face with the back of his hand. “She looks h-happy.”

Sting squeezed Natsu’s knee reassuringly. “That’s a lot,” he said. “Do you want me to call Gray?”

“No,” Natsu said quickly, taking a deep breath as he tried to get his pounding heart under control. “No, he’s at—he’s in a meeting. I’m fine, I’m okay. I was just surprised, I didn’t think…”

“How long have you guys been talking?” Sting asked, standing up and grabbing the stool from the other side of the room. He pulled it over to the desk and settled down on it across from Natsu.

“Just since last night,” Natsu said, picking at his nails. “Or, early this morning, I guess.”

He reached out slowly and picked up his phone again, staring at the picture of his mom before flipping back to the other ones. “I’ve never seen pictures of myself as a kid,” he said softly.

“Shit, you were tiny,” Sting said, leaning in to look at the one of Neelan holding Natsu. It was taken in a hospital, and Natsu was lying on Neelan’s chest, barely bigger than the hands that held him. Neelan was staring down at him, and he looked…

“He loved me,” Natsu whispered. Neelan was smiling in the photo, eyes wide and awed and very much enamored with the tiny baby in his arms. Something complicated grew in Natsu’s chest – a feeling that was part pain and longing, and part relief.

“Why don’t you take the day off?” Sting suggested, squeezing Natsu’s arm. “I’m sure Gray’s meeting will be over soon. You wanna text him?”

Natsu nodded numbly, the words washing over him as he stared at the picture. His dad had loved him, had wanted him, had held him and looked at him like Natsu was his world.

So what had happened?

[arreumddawo]

22/1/21

yo! its like nearly 2am hahah AND it HAS been such a long time since i last posted here and i’m so sorry. i’ve just re-read my past posts and i’m hiding right now ya! HIDING. i’m so embarrassed of who i was back then in 2019?? and i thought i was matured???? please. lah. nabs. my 23 year old self now is cringing!!!!!!

so anyways, a ton of things have happened. i started school! lately, i’ve been saying yes instead of no. i’ve been moving like a train. and surprisingly, i’m doing okay so far. i have a year of school and then i’ll have to start serving my 1 year bond and i’ll..... have to start planning for the two years after,, lol. i really dont know what im doing with my life but i have a rough plan to be a child protection officer in the future but i guess! we’ll see?

there’s just so many updates i feel? i dont even know where to start. 

1. i guess i’m over the 19 year old bustop guy who i wrote a letter to (so sad but yeah he’s just too young and i’m just.. too old!)

2. i am in a terrible taylor swift phase (folklore and evermore omgggg i cant) and i can’t seem to get out of it. maybe i won’t. her songs are healing even though half the time they really just make me want to fall in love with someone. but its okay lah eh sudah nabs

3. i’ve been spending alot of time with my friends (which is good cos they honestly keep me sane and im so thankful for them,, like i honestly think i scored in this department). i even met old friends for goodness sake! lately, end of 2020, i’ve been feeling all sorts of lonely i dont even know man. adulting makes you feel really lonely. and going out with my friends is my only coping mechanism. i just guess i have to get used to this and just!! live! haha its ok nabs you will be ok. you will be lonely but as least you will be rich (inshaAllah) hehehehe

4. i miss my previous nursery class so much. like, so so much i cant even. i’m literally still mourning. they will grow up and forget about me but i’ll be left alone here with my feelings and love for them,, i just cant. im just suppressing my sadness cos i just cant afford to live in the past.

5. met yani yesterday for a meal and it left me soooooo... hais... happy. i loved getting to know her and she was such a cool and super chill person and i’m so happy we could click. she said alot of nice things about me and i’m so happy that someone who used to be a stranger, now thinks THAT nicely of me (even if i dont deserve it). actually, it even made me feel a little better about who i am and i started thinking that, maybe i shouldnt be so hard on myself like no one will like you nabs but if there’s a handful who does, then you are good? not everyone has to like you, you know? deal with it ah? ahh yesterday made me think alot about my authenticity and i was just so thankful for the short time. ive always had this fear that people actually wont like me for who i truly am or like me in general so i guess im very self-conscious about how i carry myself but i feel that i want to worry about this aspect less and just be me. anws i was also so glad she loved the mashed potatoes and the milk pudding at poulet!!!! we talked for like 3 hours until kena halau HAHAHAH BUT YA it was a really great time nonetheless. guess who we sat next to?? SONIA LOLLLLLLL BYE LAH EH AND THANKS GOD

6. met jannah too and we started reminiscing about our past and how we actually just miss,,, being young in general. we talked about memories from the past and even though i hated who i was back then, i really thought for a moment that they were actually really nice times (more for jannah i feel HAHA). made me think about how i’ll turn 24 this year and that this is the youngest i’ll ever be and i just- idk man,, time is running out. time is running out and theres so much i have to achieve both in the dunia and the afterlife and im still stuck in the past. 

7. kak nurul is getting married march 20th. how time flies really. thinking about it actually really made me feel emotional. 7 weekends before she’s married. 7 weekends. i’m....... sad? i’m really sad

as usual i have so many thoughts and i want to share so much more i guess but im so tired and i dont want to write nonsense hahah so i’ll call it a day? thank you for listening againnnn <3 

[jorefeinla]

IMPOSTOR

There is a family living happily in the wood far from noise and crowded people, Jane the wife her husband Norman their two children Rochelle the elder sister and dexter the younger brother. Norman is a hard working father to provide them food and better life. Norman got very sick because he overused his body and abused it from working too hard and died it was a tragic happening to their life and his family mourn to his death.

(one sad morning, Jane called her children for breakfast)

Jane: My children! Come let us eat for breakfast. Rochelle: Ok, mom. Come my baby brother let us eat. Dexter: (Nya nye)! (Jane felt sad because they are poor that she cannot provide enough food for them and milk for the baby) Jane: Sorry, we only got this little food. We don’t have enough money to buy more food. Rochelle: (Sadly speak) it’s ok mom this is enough already. Dexter: (Crying) Jane: I’m sorry my children if only your father was here we won’t become like this. Jane: I need to now I have to work now to earn money for our food later. (Jane went out already and left her two child at home to go to work) Man:Ellie? Why are you always late at work?! You know I don’t tolerate this kind of behavior, this is a deduction to your salary. (Her boss was kind but cannot hold anymore because of jane always come to work late) Jane: I’m sorry sir I have two kids and I’m a single mom I have to take care of both of them. Man: Then you have to manage your Time wisely we don’t give salary here for granted you work for it! Jane: I understand sir please do not fire me. Man: Fine, get back to your work and if this kind of behavior continues I will not hesitate to fire you. Jane: Yes sir. (after her work he is went to thee market to buy food for their dinner) Jane: this money would be enough for us to buy food- (On her way to the market he bump in to met a man and the man noticed her) Jane: I’m so sorry I didn’t notice you. Man: No, no it’s my fault. hello, my name is Mike , I noticed you were on the way to the market? Jane: Yes, why? Mike: I also noticed that you are tired and sad. Do you mind if I come along with you? Jane: (Gladly said yes) (On their way to the market jane had a great time with Mike and accompanied jane a walk towards home) Jane: Thank you for your time and accompanying me towards my home. (Rochelle went out carrying her younger brother Dexter, welcoming their mother home from work) Jane: Mike meet my two children. Mike: (Happily greeted them) hi kids do you like candy? (The kids liked mike and mike said goodbye to them and went home) Mike to jane: Can we meet again? Jane: Yes(and smiled) (Months has passed and they become close and they started a relationship.) Jane: I have kids Mike and you accepted them like how you accepted me. I think it’s time for them to meet you, because they’ve been longing to have a daddy since my husband died.

(The kids love Mike because he is funny, kind and joyful)

Mike: Shhhh you dont have to talk about your children because they are my children too dont think that everything is just a responsibilities because I love them and I love you honney. 

Jane: “hug mike” I love you too honney, its already your work time hon I should prepare something you can eat at work we have extra salads their just eat it so that you can’t feel hungry soon if we have a lots of money I would always cook your favourite food.

Mike: Thats my honney, thanks hon i would prepare already. (After the good conversation they had. Something has change mike always come home at 12am because of work) Jane: what happened honney why you always get home at 12midnight? This is crazy! Mike: Im sorry hon, something happened there is a big problem in the company and we always tried to bring up the company again. Jane: Okay. But, please always try to come home early its only me and the children in the house we are scared. Mike: I know hon, I’ll try my best. (One day, something came up mike cant go home because something strange has happened there are urgent mike would do so the brother name Carlos came up) Jane: I dont know what to do and what to think I always overthink Rochelle check your brother upstairs take care of him i just need to sleep here in the couch I would wait your daddy Rochelle: Okay mom take a rest daddy would come home maybe he just had urgent meeting. *knock knock knock Jane: Who is that? Carlos: Hello. Its carlos im mike’s brother (jane feels safe because the appearance of Carlos is so jolly and has a good smile) Jane: Oh, sorry please come in. Carlos: Its okay nice to meet you. I just came to tell you that Mike cant go home because there are something urgent he needs to do. Jane: Ahh okay I see atleast i know now what happened. Carlos: I also came because i know that you and your children was in here its not safe that its just the three of you here you need a man maybe all of you can go to my house waiting for my brother to be home. Jane: I appreciated it but thankyou we are fine here. Carlos: If thats thats the case maybe can i stay here? I dont want my brother to feel that I didn’t help him with his family. Jane: Thats so good on you carlos okay you can sleep in here I would prepare something more comfortable pillows. (Carlos and jane has good time together they have always fun with the children because carlos has same as mike a jolly person)

(And in the morning, Carlos shows elegance, he cooked a food to see the children how kind he is)

Carlos: Wake up Rochelle and Dexter, Lets eat! Dexter: Wow its so delicious uncle carlos! Rochelle: I never thought you would be so kind uncle Carlos.

(They didn’t know that Carlos just did that to make them believe and trust)

Carlos: Hey kids, do you want to play with me? Rochelle & Dexter: Let’s go! Jane: Kids, I’ll just leave you for awhile, I just need to go shopping for our dinner later. Just play with your uncle Carlos and be kind.

(They keep on playing until Rochelle break a glass)

Carlos: What the f*** did you do Rochelle! Come here and I slap you because you deserve it! Dexter: Uncle Carlos stop! What are you doing?! Carlos: Do not interfere stupid!

(He also slap and pushed Dexter in stairs)

Dexter: I will tell the truth to my mom and dad for what you did to us! I thought you were kind, but you are a demon! go kill yourself!

( Because of Dexter’s mouth,  Carlos became angrier. Carlos chased Dexter and punched him more than an our)

(Jane knocks the gate and Carlo tries to hide the kids somewhere that is not going to be saw by Jane)

Jane: Kids, kindly please open the gate, I brought a lot in here.

(Carlos opened the gate)

Jane: Oh carlos, where’s rochelle and dexter? I thought your playing?

Carlos: Mike took the kids Jane, they seem to be going for a walk in the mall.

(Jane didn’t notice at first but she was getting anxious because it’s getting late and they still haven’t come back yet from the mall)

Jane: I’m getting scared Carlos, I think I should call them. 

Carlos: There’s nothing to be worried about Jane, they're with Mike.

Jane: Okay then I’ll just cook dinner so that we’ll all eat when they arrive.

Carlos: Okay Jane, I'll just be in the backyard.

(Carlos is keeping a low profile so that Jane won’t notice a thing, He keeps on watching the stock room)

Jane: Oh I forgot to bring out the meat earlier in the stockroom.

(while Jane was approaching the stockroom, Carlos rushed to Jane and asked what she needed) Carlos: Is there something you need? I’ll go get it for you.

Jane: no it’s okay i’ll just get the meat from the stockroom.

Carlos: It’s okay Jane I insist on getting it for you.

(Jane really wanted to get the meat from the stockroom but Carlos really insisted and it got intense)

Jane: Why are you acting kind of weird Carlos?

(When suddenly Jane heard a noise from the stockroom) Jane: Did you hear that? I think I heard someone shout. I’ll probably check it out.

Carlos: I’m sure it’s nothing Jane, I’ll check it out for you.

Jane: no it’s okay I wanna see what’s in there.

(Carlos was getting intense because Jane is noticing something from the stockroom) Carlos: I said I'll go check it!(Jane was scared of carlos and didn’t know what to do)

Jane: Why are you mad? Are you hiding something from me? You don’t need to be angry.

Carlos: I’m not okay!

(Because of Carlos’s actions and behavior Jane got really curious about what in the stockroom)

Jane: This is my house and I can do whatever I want!

Carlos: Okay fine.

(As Jane approached the stockroom Carlos got a knife from the kitchen. As soon as Jane opened the stockroom she saw Mike, Rochelle, and dexter tied and freezing in the stockroom)

Jane: Oh my god! What’s the meaning of this!

(Carlos was nowhere to be seen. As Jane untying Mike out of nowhere Carlos appeared and hit Jane and she was unconscious)

Mike: Why are you doing this Carlos?! You're my brother for christ sake!

Carlos: Brother? you left me remember?

Mike: But, I am still your brother.

Carlos: But you left me! Since you met that girl, I am alone. I don't have any companion to  talk  all my problems and feelings.  

Mike: But you  can call me whenever you want.

Carlos: Mike, Think! Think! I thought you graduated with honors. I'm still a 16 years old highschool student and I don't have enough money to support myself. What do you think of me a 16 years old millionaire?

Mike: But I'm willing to support.

Carlos: NO MORE BUTS!

(Because of His anger, He throw the walkie talkie to Mike)

Mike: Rude! What happen to you?

(Dexter ran to Carlos and begging to stop)

Dexter: Uncle Carlos please stop. I don't like this. Please, I want the old Uncle Carlos back.

Carlos: shut up!

(Carlos pulled Dexter and aimed the knife)

Carlos: Don't come closer or else, you will lose your only boy!

Jane: DEXTER!

Dexter: Mom help I can't breathe.

(Jane tries to come close to dexter but Carlos is already aiming the knife to Dexter)

Carlos: You want to lose this child?

Jane: Please no!

Carlos: No? HAHA! Okay, in one condition.

Mike: What? Tell me what do you want.

Carlos: Ahm! a car, smartphone and five hundred dollars.

Jane: but we don't have enough money to acquire your needs.

Carlos: Okay

(Carlos aimed the knife to Dexter's left eye)

Jane: No! No!

Carlos: what do you mean no?

Jane: Just don't. We will try our best to acquire all your needs.

Carlos: Never mind. Just choose a or b?

Mike: B

Carlos: HAHAHA! Okay.

Jane: What is b?

Carlos: A is I will kill Dexter.

Mike: 

What's b?

Carlos: 

I will stab Dexter!

Jane: No!

(Someone handcuffed Carlos in the back)

Jane: It's the police

Dexter: What is going on?

Policeman: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in court. By the way, your daughter contacted us.

(Carlos ride a police car to go to the police station with the Policeman)

Jane: Oh my god! Thanks lord for saving my dexter and also my Rochelle.

Mike: Thank you Rochelle for saving us from your uncle Carlos.

Rochelle: No problem daddy.

Mike: By the way, how did you call the police.

Rochelle: I get the walkie talkie that uncle Carlos threw.

Mike: I'm so proud of my litter daughter, thank you for saving us.

Rochelle: here's the walkie talkie daddy.

Walkie talkie: Life is a boomerang, wait for me to come back.

[aroherse]

— I’m sorry

[ Trigger Warnings — Suicide, Cancer Mentions, Child Death, Mentions of Child Suffering ]

And as fate has it, while the sweet innocent girl fought for her life, across town the stoner boy gave his up.

In most cases, on the outside looking in the person has an amazing life which leaves their friends and families there to wonder what had gone so wrong that the only right the person saw was an ending so tragic. In Arlo’s case, though, even on the outside looking in his life had been one tragedy to the next, back to back, barely leaving him enough time to mourn the tragedy that fell before. Most of which he had hidden from everyone because to him, dealing with it alone was better than putting his pain onto the people he loved. Looking back he couldn't remember the last time a smile of his was genuine, you could say he was good at acting. Even though most of the time Arlo spent in life he was shadowed by the sadness he couldn't shake, he was glad all of the other attempts had not worked. He was grateful to have had the opportunity to meet such amazing people that he was blessed to have called his friends. 

Admittedly, Arlo hated the fact that he knew what he was about to do was going to be the thing that stopped him from being able to see his friends again. Knowing he'd never see Abbie and Cyder hurt the most. Still, the sadness, the pain, it was too much to bare. He had tried incredibly hard to live with the pain. For a really long time, he had tried. But, tonight his fight was at its end. 

Arlo stared down at the papers, his eyes like empty voids. There were a lot of people he wanted to write something to but he knew he didn't have the time to. And so instead he wrote to those he could.

Abigail, 

Im sorry. I am so sorry, Abigail. You have lost so much in life and I hate myself for adding to that. You have always only ever deserved the absolute best in life and yet you were given so much pain and so much suffering. If there is a God, and if I end up where ever he is ill make him suffer more than he has made you suffer. I promise. 

 I never got the chance to tell you this but you need to know. You need to understand.

I was fifteen when I really started realizing I was gay. But I was a child, and I was scared of the truth. So I ran from it. And I kept running from it, until one day a girl knocked on my door and told me she was pregnant with my child. I remember the moment very well, I remember feeling scared and shocked but I also remember the feeling of having purpose. When the baby was born we named him Aaron. He was so beautiful, so precious. But like all things beautiful and precious in this world, god gave him a terrible fate. He was just days before turning one when we found out he had cancer. From there everything fell apart. He had made it to four when God decided his time was up. When he died my life flipped upside down, nothing matter and yet everything hurt. Everywhere I went I saw him, Chicago reeked of him. And it hurt because it was like he was so close but in reality he was gone. That's when I decided to move to Salem. And god am I grateful for doing so. If I hadn't I would have never been able to have gotten close to you. You may not know it Abbie but you created most of my happiness. And While i lived in Salem, you were my reason to live. 

Please don't be sad Abigail. Please don't cry. Let yourself be the reason your life from here on out is a great one. You deserve happiness. And Xavier could be just that for you, so let him be. 

I love you, Cage. 

You have been an angel in my life, now let me be an angel in yours. 

Cyder, 

You can't read this now but I would never leave without saying goodbye to you. But before I say goodbye I would like to say a few things. You may never read this but with the small chance that you do someday here it is. 

You filled a darkness in me with the brightest light. 

When I think about how much pain this world put on you at such a young age I want to hurt the world. Make the world pay for what it did. You haven't even realized it yet but you have lost so much and for that I am so sorry.  But please know that I love you. Take what the world gave you and show the world it couldn't break you. I know you'll do great things in life and i'm sorry I wont be there for it. 

But never forget, I love you with everything I am and everything I was. 

Noah,

I know things got complicated for a while but i hope you know there were feelings there. I have never been good with expressing feelings but just know I liked you a lot more than the word like could have explained. One day you'll find someone that will mean the world to you, someone who will treat you like your are the world, and you will be their world. Don't settle for less. You're perfect the way you are, Noah. Don't let the world change you. 

Keep me in your heart, my love. 

Harley,

You were right. I couldn't run from my problems and I should've listened when you told me that but instead I tried to run from them. Maybe if I had listened things would be different. Maybe I could have fixed the problems but instead I ran and allowed them to eat me whole in the process. But that's not what this letter is about. I need to say goodbye to you. These goodbyes are getting hard. Because truthfully I don't want to say goodbye to any of you, you all mean so much to me. Still, it is my time to go. When your babies are born life's gonna change. For the better, I promise. It will get hard, at times but don't let that discourage you. It'll be worth it in the end. You're strong, Harley. You're strong but you hurt still. And i'm so sorry for adding to the pain. I love you, and I hope life treats you right.

Mason, 

Marlo was a mess, that's for sure, and maybe it was life's way of telling us you were meant for Harley and I was meant for what i'm writing this letter about. Either way, you're a good person, Mason. Treat Harley good, don't let small things like alcohol or petty fights get in the way of what you two can have together. Even though I won't be there I know your wedding will be amazing. This is short, but i'm running out of time. Hopefully the world eases your pain, you deserve to be happy. 

Levi, 

Im sorry. I know that doesn't change anything but I need to say it. I don't want to die, I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't live. Not like this. Don't let this ruin you. Maybe, wherever I am as you read this, im happy now. That's all I ever really wanted. I love you, know that I died loving you. 

To those who care,

I wish I could write a letter to everyone. To all of the people I love. But I can't, and for that I'm sorry. I don't want to fight to live in a world where pain is more common than love. Where sadness is lurking around every corner. Even so, I hate how my death will cause other’s sadness. Remember me as who you all saw, because that is who I wanted to be. I thought that if I tricked everyone into believing I was that happy, high guy who flirted too much and had no care in the world then one day Id trick myself into believing it to. But that's not the case, under all of that was the truth, and I couldn't handle it. 

Its sad, don't you think? How someone could care more about hurting others than they do about taking their own life. Yet that's exactly what life had become for Arlo as he sat on the ledge of the hospital window. He had placed the notes on his bed before he had climbed throw the window. His feet dangled over the ledge as he stared down at the streets under him. Closing his eyes he stayed still for a moment. Listening to the cars drive by, Occasional horns being honked. The cold air nipped at his skin as his hair flew around him. Opening his eyes he looked down again. One move and he'd fall down 8 flights. And that's just what happened. 

———————————————

Arlo Aaron Herse — 04/20/1998-12/31/2018

— "Sorry for the inconvenience, we're trying to save the world."

[rcsegarden-blog]

holy moly i just took a good three hour nap after class, and i missed all the introductions. well since i’m never on time to anything ( sorry don’t hate me ) i tried to make up for it by explaining my trash child in depth below, you can skip through the first half to read the summary at the end bUT i promise the self para is worth a read if ya wanna know my gal. i’ll try to get past the boring stuff, i’m aria most people tend to call me ari & i can’t wait to meet everyone of you. please don’t judge how many hamilton references i’ll make, it’s a problem and i’m working on it. any whoot i can’t wait to plot w every single one of you babes ! ps tw: death, depression, trichotillomania, self harm, & suicide risk ( if you’d like to not hear about any of these things, feel free to message me & i’ll give you a summary of rosalina without them! )

a self para?? ( bc i’m so extra )

How do you mourn when your own body is a complete and total reminder of your loss? Rosalina hadn’t quite figured it out.  She stared at the reflection of her sister in the mirror.  Identity was a fickle thing, especially when half of it is ripped away overnight.  Her heavy head fell to the side, tilted and her jaw slightly slackened leaving her soft pink lips parted.  The shadows fell heavily across her face making the contours look like deeply pitted bruises in the early morning light that filtered through the shades of her bedroom window.  A fierce, stern knock sounded from her door. The noise nearly caused Rose to jump out of her own skin.  If only it were so easy.

“Rosalina, you’d better be up and getting ready,” it was her father’s authoritative voice advised through the door.

Of course Rose was awake.  It was rare when the girl truly slept, not since everything happened.  The pills they gave her, coupled with their white lies of faith and healing, kept her in a fog during the day but her mind buzzed horribly during the night.  Uncountable hours were spent watching the pillow on the bed opposite hers which had long since stopped smelling of her sister, her attention buzzing with unthinkable concepts to healthy minds, all while her forefinger unknowingly traced the roadmaps of scar tissue telling a journey of loss across her forearm.

The face of her double stared back at her in the mirror making Rose’s stomach tick and curl.  She felt her chin quiver and she sniffed hard looking at the contents spread across her vanity.  The smooth tan surface was stained with rich, bronze foundation and drugstore hair dye in attempt to strip the features that had tied her to Penelope. She picked up her foundation sponge and watched the nude liquid drip onto the back of her hand, a perfect match. Rosalina had long since stopped fooling herself that a change in her appearance would fool others into security concerning her mental state.  She dipped her sponge tentatively before applying it to her face over her eyelids and lips.  She opened her eyes again, their slight green, like a spring she knew would never live to see come, the only relief from the bronze-smooth skin.  

The lid to her cream blush hadn’t been put on correctly.  She looked down at the small pot of dried out, deep pink cosmetics cracked like a small section of scorched desert. She parted her lips, which had been stuck together from being held together so tightly in anxiety, and spit into the jar.  She rubbed the saliva around the blush to reconstitute its creamy texture. Had Poppy been there Rose surely would have been scolded, maybe even roughhoused a little in lighthearted affection. Rosalina’s only consequence was a comfortless silence.  

The doorknob to the closet had been taken off promptly after Rose’s outburst. She stuck her fingers in the hole, pulling the door open.  Her hand lifted to the back of her head as her eyes scanned the array of clothing. Rosalina twisted a single strand of hair around her finger and pulled upward, a swift, small, quick action, pulling the hair out from the root.  She dropped it to the floor, pulling another, another, another, before ever noticing the action.  Her face flushed as she ran the tip of her finger over the area she had pulled from.  The empty space was detectable, a few hairs poking at her where the regrowth had begun again.  She rushed to her mirror, grabbing the brush in urgency.  She pulled her hair up into one hand, hardly able to contain the curls in her grasp, even with what she was convinced was an entire lock and curl of hair pulled out from the roots, before pulling an elastic band to hold it.  She would have to wear her hair in special ways.  Her mother was sure to notice.

Trichotillomania was only one of the many words thrown across the clinical room from the doctor’s file to her grief stricken parents. Depression, self-harm, suicide risk and survivor’s guilt followed. Rose had hung her head in defeat. The words and diagnosis meant nothing to her but a botched attempt at true healing.  What did this man know about her, or her parents? Didn’t any of them know the weight upon her chest, the terrible love she’d been subjected to by the virtue of being the surviving twin? The burden of living without her same wasn’t one she could carry.  The absence of Penelope wore away at Rosalina like the agony of a phantom limb.

They were going to send her there again, a strange place with blindingly white walls.  When she walked into those doors it make her problems seem to grow three fold.  She felt more alone than ever before.  Still, out of instinct, she found her hand reaching to take Poppy’s for comfort, desperate grasps for that same phantom limb.  Instead she got pills, diagnoses, white lies, blank notebook pages to express her thoughts and document her loss, and forced smiles like those on her grandmother’s painted china clowns.  They frightened Rose screaming, live, live, live.  Some stranger in her brother’s skin had showed up as well.  Since when had he cared? And did he think he was like the sutures in her arm, a simple fix that could replace Poppy by virtue of common blood, to stitch her together and heal her? They pressured her to live on without half her heart, breathe without lungs, but all Rose could think of was how peaceful it might be to drown.

She had looked up statistics. A person could last six minutes without oxygen, but Rosalina knew she hadn’t breathed in months silently cursing the human body and all it’s resilience.

Summary

Originally from Santa Cruz, California Rosaline was born into a middle class family beside her twin sister Penelope & an older brother ( possibly a wc i’ll be sending in, definitely think it’d be interesting to see him played! )

Heading home from a party on west cliff, they were just sixteen when the accident changed Rose’s entire existences. They hadn’t had more that two drinks Rosalina was keeping track the entire night, and yet when the twin sisters climbed into their beat up Toyota they were forced to share – One of them never made it home. Falling asleep at the wheel, partially intoxicated, Penelope drove the pair off the rocky cliffs straight into the ocean current. It’s a miracle Rose had survived, she heard that more than a million times the months following. Yet, as those months passed the more she wanted to be in that deep water with the same fate her sister had faced. Living without the one person in the world who truly understood her, it was like the world was constantly on fire without Poppy. Nothing made sense, nothing felt right, every passing day she lost herself a little more.

The pills helped settle the depression, the therapy over the next three years helped her work through the hair pulling, but life never really felt normal. Loosing a twin isn’t like loosing a sibling, that night Rosalina lost a part of herself she could never get back. A part of herself she blamed for not being able to save, arguably the best part of her heart. Though it’s not something she can shake, living every day wishing things had turned out different, with time Rose learned to live life again. Finishing high school a year later than expected, she applied to colleges around the United States – anything far enough to start a new life. 

Flash forward six years from the accident – Rosalina strays away from any memory of that night, the nightmares don’t haunt her quite as often, and though she misses Poppy every day she’s attempting to live life in honor of her sister. Rose is the kind of girl you can’t help being friends with, though she has a soft & effervescent exterior that one would assume glows from the inside out – she’s also quite mysteriously and drawn back at times. It’s a numb existence filled with prescription medications, a drink to forget the past, and a few puffs to relax the tension where her body seems to ache in place of her double. It’s still taken on day at a time, with pre rehearsed responses to the same “how are you feeling?” she’s learning to be okay with not being okay some days. Moving to Norely has helped get her away from the memories, and though she’s still in school waitressing pays most the bills now a days. 

I hope that gives you a good idea of who my trash child is & I can’t wait to see everyone on the dash as a big family. I’ve been dying to play Rose out for the past three months, I just hadn’t found the right place so I’m hoping this is it for us! If you’re interested in plotting please feel free to like this post or ofc come to my ims & I’ll reply asap x