#but its fine im just an idiot to gatekeeps happiness from myself!

[doctapuella]

i cant figure out what my problem is when it comes to tiny joys, or like why i dont let myself have any. all month ive been thinking "man i wanna play around with some face paint, i should grab some next time im at the store" and then for weeks i walk past the face paint becauae, ew, wanting something? wanting to have fun just to have fun and not for A Purpose? thats the most embarrassing thing in the world and is physically repulsive. better just stifle it and feel moody about how for some reason i, a grown adult in my 30s with a bank account, am too embarrassed to be happy. then finally i get fed up and decide okay, its halloween, this is my last chance, let me just go. but of course its fucking halloween so no its not my last chance, my last chance was days ago, theres no halloween stuff in stores at all you idiot. you dont get to enjoy things. and if i had just said three weeks ago "im gonna grab some.face paint to fuck around" it wouldve been fine! nobody would have cared! yet im so humuliated by the concept that ive ruined my entire month and now im just sitting in my car angry at myself for being so fucking stupid and knowing i will learn absolutely nothing from this experience