#but its been 2.5 weeks since i accepted the other job and i feel like its kinda lame to do this to future employees

[theswiftstitches]

my interview went really well and the aqarium ppl havent sent me anything from hr so i kinda want to jump ship

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it wasn’t power i coveted; it was acceptance.

Titans 3.06

y’know, i was just thinking the other day that 1.06/1.07 and 2.06/2.07 were the best episodes of their respective seasons, so i have great hopes going in to this one. fingers crossed!

as always, typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. oh! um... that was a Cold Open, all right. *nudges* get it? cold? because it’s snowing? and two people got murdered in cold blood? eh?

... oh, i’ve just started.

1.5. i wonder if “i want to be sipping pina coladas on a beach with you” is the new “i’m just one day away from retiring.” i was so on edge after that--i kept expecting that car to explode. even so, the way they died wasn’t an anticlimax: brutal, and quick. 

1.75. so i’m assuming that’s the titular lady vic! this show better bring up why this doll was important or why these two cops needed to be killed, and not leave it to the ether like jericho’s little mindscape jaunt in 2.08 (i’m still dying to know what that was about???)

2.

i love how deliberately unappealing wayne manor is. 

(sorry for the pic quality. i don’t have hbo max! ssshhh.)

2.3. i love the many references to “home” and “our house” when they’ve been here for less than a week and saw one of their friends get blown into pieces. i mean, i unironically love it: home is where family is, after all!

2.5. i’d like to say that kom is playing some sort of long game here, especially given the build-up we had last season and some of the more niggling details this season: why did kom choose now to use her bond to lure kory when she’s been on earth for months? why did justin call kory now, just around the time that she started getting kom’s visions? and what about kom’s ability to exactly imitate other people? hmmm.

2.75. the reason i wrote i’d like to say is that i’ve made the mistake of assuming plot complexity where there is none; i was so invested in the jason todd orchestrated his own death theory for instance, when it turns out that oops! ra’s al ghul just happened to leave a little lazarus puddle in gotham, and oh yeah! scarecrow just happens to have a network of henchmen working for him on the outside and a fully functional laboratory and a weapons cache fit for a new supervillain in the basement of the high security psychiatric unit/prison that he’s in! 

(no i’m not bitter, why do you ask)

2.8. iiiii don’t know what to say about the implications of sex slavery being a thing on tamaran, so i’m not going to say anything at all. for now.

3. gotham, six years ago... wasn’t it five years before s2 that jericho died and the titans disbanded? and when was the flashback from 1.06 where dick let zucco die? i think it was after the events of 2.08: jericho? i can’t seem to find any transcripts or reliable information online, so i’m going to have to rewatch 1.06 at some point. 

(i love the old-fashioned batman music in this heist scene)

3.5. “security is a joke... it’s my way of keeping my dad on his toes”. what you’re an ethical thief now, like an ethical hacker? i don’t think that excuse is going to sell, barbara, on the day you do encounter a decent security system and your father is forced to arrest you.

(then again, gotham’s security is piss-poor. did you know that you could just walk into arkham asylum without any official clearance, ply one of its most dangerous inhabitants with contraband, and said inmate could get away with having an entire laboratory and weapons cache--NO I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GO)

3.8 so that flashback between dick and barbara was really cute! and also illuminating:

a) dick sounds so light, so... um. look. i have some apologies to tender to mr thwaites, because while i’ve always thought he does a fine job as dick grayson, i’ve never been terribly fond of his cadence as he delivers dialogue. it’s often monotonous, i thought, but then again, he’s usually delivering exposition or dealing with one soul-crushing crisis or the other. so i was pleasantly surprised to hear dick sound so carefree and alive in his conversation with barbara, laughing frequently, his emotions so bare and bubbling to the surface. it’s really a fantastic contrast to the traumatised and world-weary dick grayson that we see now, even more so than the costume department just bunging a backwards-baseball cap on mr thwaites’ head and hoping that will convince us of his relative youth. 

b) and god, when he wakes up from that memory, all alone in his bed, bleeding from bullet holes in his shoulder (bullet holes that are--in a somewhat convoluted way--barbara’s fault)? yikes. it’s great. you have my apologies, mr thwaites!

c) can you imagine dick just... crawling back to wayne manor, trying not to be seen by anybody, shedding his suit and just... collapsing onto his bed without even tending to his wound? the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it? 

d) it’s so interesting to see how barbara and dick approach the idea of legacy--a big theme on the show!--in this flashback. barbara is the one bucking the idea that she should follow in her father’s footsteps, while dick seems pretty content with the batman-and-robin setup, and even tries to get barbara to join their team (robin-girl. pfffft). obviously after this several traumatic things happen wherein dick ends up questioning and then resenting his role as robin, his relationship with batman or even returning as a vigilante at all. and barbara... ends up replacing her father as commissioner. it’s tragic, really. 

e) the dynamic between dick and barbara in the flashback reminds me of how it was between dick and donna in 1.08 and even between kory and dick in early s1. it’s like having an older, strong-willed woman by his side means he gives over the steering wheel for a while and lets himself... unspool, a little bit. it’s kinda endearing.

also:

*pinches his cheeks*

3. you know, we talk about dick and Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and that’s definitely valid, but here gar seems to me the embodiment of it, with all the emotional gardening and firefighting that he’s expected to do. he’s kind of the guy expected to keep his shit together and take care of everyone else while they are falling completely to pieces, unable to carve out time to process his own trauma. he’s also picked up dick’s and kory’s tendencies to bottle up their struggles and shun appearing vulnerable, and he’s struggling in the shadow of both dick and kory undergoing acute crises, his best friend (and frequent confidante) on the other side of the world, and seeing hank die, utterly helpless to stop it. 

i’m glad that he got a chance to tell dick even a smidgeon of what he really feels, and i hope this is at least a semblance of a wake up call for dick to actually sit down and work with the people he repeatedly calls family.

3.5. it’s heartening to see that dick immediately makes it his priority to go talk to gar. but don’t blow off kory in the process, man!

4. i’m really loving this dynamic between kom and conner--i get the idea that both of them consider each other as Unknowns, alien two times over. but conner’s only ever known the titans, who embrace being different, and kom’s only ever known... well. 

anyway, kory is Really Stressed, and honestly? #relatable. 

when you’re forced to bring an estranged family member to hang out with your friends...

4.5. i love that the titans are spending so much time in the kitchen. a real family!

5. jonathan crane is a creep and i absolutely cannot stand him.

5.25. how did he get a whole lab setup (in the basement of a hospital...?) with a bunch of whitecoats to work for him? how did he just waltz into the viewing room of an operation theatre when he’s one of the most wanted men in gotham right now? why is jason wandering around maskless when--presumably--as the adopted son of the most famous person in gotham he’d be a tad more recognisable than your average joe?

why do i expect this show to answer anything anymore?

5.5. that’s not necessarily a criticism, mind; i’ve said since season 1 that titans is very comics-like in this aspect, all about the Aesthetic and the splash-page splendour rather than the niggling unimportant details of how or when the characters got to said location. like. the camera gliding over the operation being set-up, lady vic bursting in and doing her murder dance (imagine the luck of the poor intern who chose this day and this surgery to assist) and jason, shocked and slack-jawed, framed by blood.

5.75. it’s a sobering reminder for jason that, though he chose this path in order to gain control over a world that seemed like it was rapidly spinning out of his grip, he’s only succeeded in handing over even more control to a man with an agenda that is very clearly not aligned with his own. he’s in too far to stop now, though.

5.9. i have a lot more thoughts about jason! saving it up for the end of this recap, though.

6. more kitchen time! i better see dick do some cooking soon...

(”our kitchen”! it still delights me! kitchens are So Important)

6.25. so much of dick’s issues have revolved around his relationship with bruce, so it’s completely understandable that in the wake of a huge crisis where bruce literally asks dick to replace him and be a “better” him, dick would default to all the worst things he learned from the man. and i’m glad kory’s having none of it, but come on, guys. the woman’s literally fetched her fratricidal sister out of a hole in the ground with no idea what said sister is going to do next and experiencing a burgeoning sense of guilt far, far beyond her history with the titans, and dick’s too far into his autocolonoscopy that he can’t see that she needs help.

6.5. “he services your urges”--well, as far as we know, kory is the last person he had sex with...

7. “i hope [gar] isn’t angry with me...” SIR! i thought you’d already spoken to him! smh, as the kids say. kory wouldn’t be needing to reassure you if you just took the effort to build two way emotional relationships with the rest of the team. @superohclair​ was taking about dick’s relatively low emotional intelligence? i agree.

7.5. “i got my own problems [...] you and barbara? fix it.” YOU TELL HIM, KORY

8. man i really like this weird, sad tension between dick and barbara--this sense that both of them are approaching the other based on how they remember them and are ultimately disappointed by the truth. barbara thought she could trust dick to... well, be a better batman, but dick has not only failed at that in her eyes, but repeatedly undermined her while exploiting the authority that she gave him. in dick’s eyes, this is nothing like the barbara that he knew, rebellious and ready to do whatever it takes to find something. 

like. this show sometimes really hits me in the chest about the ways it shows kids grow into adults and into caretakers, and the way it’s stop-start, the ways nothing can happen at all for a long time and then it’s Crisis Central all at once and there’s no space to breathe. the weird sort of sadness that comes with nostalgia. 

8.5. oracle name drop! i agree with barbara, any system that can just randomly tap into gotham phonelines is a monster.

8.7. (i don’t know if it’s my imagination, but is dick holding himself... differently in this episode? like that wound is definitely bothering him, and he’s running on fumes)

9. man, that was a really sweet scene between kom and conner. “feeling alien in your own world”... “not quite here nor there”

honestly this team runs on conner and gar’s faith in their value as a family, and it’s a sign of conner’s generous heart that he extends that opportunity to blackfire. this arc of maturation for him, where he’s now able to consciously choose which parts of himself he can use to do the thing he wants to so--save people--has been so fulfilling to recognise. this baby’s grown with the titans! and what he’s learnt is that people can get fucked up, but the titans is a place where they can be fucked up, and grow.

MY MAN CONNER

10. oh man i’m drinking in the gar-dick interaction in this episode like i’m three days into the desert and it’s the only source of water for miles around!

a) gar is absolutely not dealing with dick’s bullshit this episode and I LOVE IT. it’s such a far cry from the man who was idolising dick/robin back in s1 and expecting him to solve all their problems. dick is fallible, dick is fucked up, but he Tries His Best and that’s ok.

b) dick, huffing and puffing through that vent, unable to put any pressure on his left shoulder, trying to have a heart to heart with gar... fuck i love this asshole. 

c) bruce took in a kid who was suffering... “and made him into a weapon”. well. i absolutely agree with dick that it was bruce who put these kids into these horrible situations with him and they came away with a bucketload of trauma to add to the one that they already had. but we know that bruce was really trying with jason, and at the end of s2, dick was coming to acknowledge that bruce had offered him something that wasn’t just darkness. jason’s death and bruce’s reaction to that shattered that fragile progress.

d) “gotham got to me too.” i feel more sympathetic towards dick running off on his own than most, and it’s not just because i’m an unapologetic stan.  we’ve seen before that dick... devolves when overwhelmed, and he lashes out and makes ill thought out decisions and just Does Not Deal. it happened after hearing the news that deathstroke had returned in s2, and it didn’t help that everyone around him was reeling at the news, either. this time, however, he has his salvation in his family, and despite some stupid decisions like running off and kidnapping supervillains without telling his team, he’s been really on the ball this season. thinking clearly and logically, holding it together and working on a plan, thinking two steps ahead of the villains... yes.

e) gar needing to believe that jason isn’t beyond redemption... there’s a lot of blood on his hands, too, from when he was manipulated by cadmus last season. it makes sense why he’d relate to jason’s predicament, and i hope dick picked up on that.

f) my head just added a plaintive ow after dick jumped feet first into the storage room

i need, crave gifs of this scene!

11. *sits on hands* i’m going to talk more about red hood, i promise!

12. more gar and dick! is it my birthday??!!

(actually, according to the tamil calendar, it is my birthday! my “star” birthday)

12.5. excellent. dick using some implausible training that bruce taught him to solve a mystery? passing some of that knowledge onto gar? that proud smile when he sees gar perfectly execute moves that he taught him? MY HEART IS EXPLODING

13. aw, i love flashback!dick and barbara, they’re so cute <3

13.25. why does it not surprise me that the way he proposes a relationship to barbara is by saying “we make sense”? this guy can deduce exactly who was present where and what weapon they were holding from a garbled audio recording but other times he’s utterly clueless, and that’s a consistent character beat right from s1

13.5. so.... that’s why lady vic has it out for... barbara....? i don’t get it. it’s flimsy. but hey! the fun thing about titans is that i don’t have to get it. the payoff has nothing to do with the plot.

14. i can’t believe that barbara fell for that, but at least that wheelchair fight looked awesome, so.

15. oh yeah, i forgot that red hood bullied the mob into helping him and scarecrow... at least that explains the whitecoats and the elaborate set-up.

15.5. honestly i love how this dynamic between kory and kom is developing, though i wish more of the team would pay attention to it. time to call justin, i think!

16. i wonder what happened after that second flashback where barbara got hurt during that heist. did she give up on doing any more (maybe jim caught her)? was it because dick was called away by bruce and then the titans and got caught up in his own issues? maybe barbara froze him out because she wasn’t looking for the relationship that he was looking for? maybe the idea of doing that with someone turning into batman-lite was just... unappealing? scary?

whatever it is, it doesn’t look like dick ever processed the end of that relationship. it’s very intriguing to see where their dynamic goes next.

17. so.... what, did vic deliver some fear toxin to barbara? i... what?

17.5. and i TOLD YOU that they would never explain that doll or why vic attacked those two cops at the beginning! oh, titans. never change. 

18. did jason just randomly have tim’s restaurant burgled? god, i’m feeling a bit nauseous... are they going to kill tim’s father?

18.25. i feel like the rest of the season is going to wrestle with jason’s culpability in the horrible stuff he’s doing and i’m already seeing that prospect divide fans. on one hand, his story is taking a lot of oxygen away from other equally interesting story arcs, and he’s done some truly awful things, like indiscriminate murder, threatening to kill children, blowing up hank, and potentially killing tim’s parents. 

there’s something to be said for the kind of hold that crane has over him, and the so-called ‘anti-fear’ drug that he keeps plying jason with--he’s alone, drugged almost constantly (to the level of dependence), fresh from the trauma of being bludgeoned to death. he hasn’t conquered fear; he’s ruled by it. on the other hand, given that he’s the one character on the show given an obvious and identifiable ‘mental illness’ arc (maaaaybe dick too), one can argue that it’s irresponsible to show this progress into such violence: jason was vulnerable because he was struggling, and that left him vulnerable, but it took only a push before he became a fucking serial killer.

but that could mean we underestimate the degree of that vulnerability, and the mechanics of this universe where he fell into the clutches of the one supervillain perfectly designed to exploit that vulnerability. that helpless spiral into further and further self-destruction is all too real. it’s valuable to know that someone who has sunk that low can still seek help--actual help--and get it. 

18.5. i don’t know. it’s not a question i’m going to resolve at the end of an overlong recap at 1 in the morning. i don’t believe it’s even a question that titans can resolve. but i am interested in where they’re going next with jason.

19. this episode was genuinely great! i’m pumped for the rest of the season!

[13yearslater]

The comment section

It’s been one of those weeks where I’ve just had to try my best to close my eyes and scroll past the news articles and their comment sections. Sometimes I still can’t help but make a comment of my own. I no longer allow myself to enter debates or arguments; I simply state my own personal experiences and anyone who reads it can do with it what they wish. My comments usually garner likes but very rarely any rebuttals which I put down to the manner in which I express myself. Previous attempts to correct, debate or argue would be jumped on by those who disagreed and were desperate to prove their stance whereas simply stating some of my feelings and experiences is less provocative and isn't easily argued since my comments are not statements or claims, they're just my life. But still, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t exhausting to see these threads in my feed almost constantly again at the moment, especially with the recent Elliot Page interview, Laurel Hubbard possibly being the first trans woman in the Olympics, the GRC fee being reduced and... well, Caitlyn Jenner’s typically tonedeaf shenanigans.

Actual news aside, there's also the influx of articles that feel like they were posted entirely with the intent to stir up the trolls. "Transgender people do change their sex – it is discriminatory to say otherwise" was an article this week, actually written by a trans person, that just seemed like a dangling carrot and golden opportunity for everyone to say just how much they disagreed with trans peoples existence. It may be well intended, but you know exactly what the response to an article like that will be and it will not be pretty. I think back to my younger self, sat alone wondering if I'd ever be accepted, seeing the countless and overwhelming majority of comments that gave the very clear message that no, I would not be.

My comments usually centre around the fact that I'm just human. Which is sad really, isn't it? That I should feel the need to remind people that I am a person. A person with family, friends, interests and dreams just like you. That I'm not a political point or an agenda, that I am not "the trans community" - none of us are; we're all individuals, that I am more than being trans. That it's ok not to like Elliot Page or Caitlyn Jenner, but to please take a moment to consider all the trans people reading comments like yours every single day and coming to believe that the world truly hates them. It's alienating, it's lonely and it's damn near impossible not to let it worm its way into your own sense of self-worth after years of seeing the same consistent hostility directed to people like you.

I like to disarm the comments surrounding "biology" with my own reasons for transition - not because I want to claim to be biologically this or genetically that, not because I have any desire to deny that I was born female nor change that fact, not to claim some sort of mythical "100% sex change" which yes, even trans people know is not possible - but that transition for me was simply about living in a way that felt genuine and aligning my body in a way that was not constantly distressing for me. My body may not be typically male nor typically female and that's fine, all it needed to be was home. That all I request is that I am respected as a person.

At this stage of my transition, lower dysphoria aside, the politics and general social climate surrounding trans people is probably the worst part of being trans and one of the only things that brings being trans to the forefront of my mind when it normally wouldn't be. At a time when my transition is pretty much over and I am able to just live I still see it drag on in the mindsets of others.

But why does it bother me so much?

I think, as I've previously spoken about, the fear for my future is a big one. The concern that what were previously fringe movements are gaining traction and having real world effects on the lives of myself and other trans people. That the public in general are either indifferent at best or supportive of these groups at worst.

The other thing is that my own journey to self acceptance was plagued by these attitudes and comments and this was by far the toughest part of my transition. To think I'd never be accepted, never be loved, to see every-day regular people on Facebook (Facebook is one of the worst for me because of this fact; they're not faceless trolls, they're just regular people, average job, 2.5 kids, like those I see every single day) spewing such vitriol for people like me, to constantly wonder if the people in my life also secretly thought these things, to see the "you'll always be a woman" comments, to feel like a freak, an outcast, an inconvenience, to see people speak with such hostility and vitriol. To see my existence reduced to a debate or an ideology. To think that the only interaction people care to have with me is one to assert their own views and opinions on people like me. To have transitioned and reached a point where I finally feel like and see myself only to worry that no one else ever truly will.

I did come to believe that society hated people like me, that no one would ever view me as a whole person, that I would forever be less-than, a novelty, a debate, an unlovable abomination in the eyes of others.

But I don't feel like that any more. I have my self worth and I worked hard to find that after years of being beaten down. Sometimes I do wonder if I will ever find love - being trans certainly complicates that for reasons outside of whether or not someone is an ally. But what gets me now is the sense of injustice of feeling completely misunderstood and misrepresented. To have ideas and actions wrongly attributed to me because we are all seen as the homogenous blob that is the trans community. Caitlyn Jenner does not speak for me, Elliot Page does not speak for me, that article that you read online - even if it was by a trans person - does not speak for me. I want to be heard as an individual, as a person.

[niccirobertson]

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve made a concerted effort to distance myself from just about every news feed and platform that has nothing better to do than report the latest covid statistics. The reason for this is quite honestly, like many people I have had enough. Despite my best efforts, the media bombardment is so pervasive that an update got through, and instead of deleting it, I did the math.

In South Africa at the time of receiving that update there were supposedly 1 039 161 positive cases counted, with 20 033 deaths. I am no maths genius but it wasn’t a stretch to figure out that this was around 2%. I then looked for the data for the United States which is also around 2% and the UK which is around 3%. On average this virus has a mortality rate of 2.5% with the majority of those deaths affecting the elderly and those with pre-existing conditions, otherwise known as co-morbidities. Except that the data reflected is questionable. 


When you sift through the conspiracy theories and start talking to credible professionals in the medical industry you begin to see a pattern emerging. Looking at the data of years gone by, pneumonia and flu viruses year on year have also resulted in between a 1% and 2% death rate. So why the hysteria? 


According to the WHO: A pandemic is defined as “an epidemic occurring worldwide, or over a very wide area, crossing international boundaries and usually affecting a large number of people”. The classical definition includes nothing about population immunity, virology or disease severity. By this definition, pandemics can be said to occur annually in each of the temperate southern and northern hemispheres, given that seasonal epidemics cross international boundaries and affect a large number of people. This happens every year but the world doesn’t come to a grinding halt because of it. 


According to the British Medical Journal the PCR test is inaccurate, picking up dead and ineffective virus particles that may be found on most people, most of the time. It states that the PCR test, never designed for this kind of testing has an error margin of 97%. That’s insanity no matter how you want to spin it. If the widely accepted method for determining whether or not a person is infected is fundamentally flawed, the resulting data is completely inaccurate. 

Added to which, the death statistics are also questionable. They do not define who died because of the virus or with the virus. For example, a colleague’s mother passed away from pancreatic cancer in July, yet the death certificate states covid19 as cause of death. This is not an isolated incident. 

The World Health Organisation guidelines state that “COVID-19 should be recorded on the medical certificate of cause of death for ALL decedents where the disease, or is assumed to have caused, or contributed to death, i.e. COVID-19 is the underlying cause of death”. This means no one really knows how many have died directly from a covid infection.
The Centre for Evidence-Based Medicine has shown that one in thirteen (7.8%) deaths with COVID-19 on the death certificate did not have the disease as the underlying cause of death, further distorting the data. 

The decisions directly related to our lives and livelihoods are based on inaccurate or distorted data and no one is doing anything about it. 

Enough about the deliberate distortion of the facts. The question is why is this happening?
There is a frenetic urgency to get the world vaccinated. Bill Gates began pushing the vaccination agenda way back in 2013 if not earlier. And naturally people, at least people who can still think for themselves are extremely wary of this vaccine. At the time of writing this, the vaccine has only been available for a couple of weeks, and in this short window the significant adverse effects in those already having received the vaccination is 3% based on recent published information. Higher than the death rate of the virus. If you were to go by statistics alone, the vaccine will kill more people than the virus. 

The pharmaceutical companies and their stakeholders are naturally elated that the powers that be are enforcing and coercing people into having to accept this vaccine, creating the illusion that their freedom lies on the other side of a needle. And further perpetuating the myth that drugs are going to save you. Bearing in mind that the manufacturers of this technology are free of any kind of liability arising from death or damage caused by a substance that is being trialed simultaneously on millions of people. In simple terms, if the vaccine harms you or renders you infertile you have no recourse. 

Recently a second strain of the virus has emerged, This is nothing new - viruses mutate. This is why there is a different flu strain each season. It has been a year since the first strain emerged and as viruses seem to be excellent timekeepers, its right on schedule for an upgrade. This is further going to throw a spanner into the vaccine works. Will the current vaccine work with the new strain or create other complications? If people have indeed contracted the original virus, will taking the vaccine have immune suppressing effects rendering them more vulnerable to other strains? Pregnant women and women of “child bearing age” have been warned by the NHS  not to take the vaccine because it may render them sterile or have deleterious effects on the foetus. But its ok to give this unknown quantity to the elderly or your child? I think not. 

What happened to freedom of choice? What happened to autonomy? What happened to informed consent? What happened to common sense? 
For me personally, the most disturbing part of this experience is how people I thought of as free thinking, intelligent individuals are simply kowtowing, going with the flow because they don’t want to be seen as outliers. It baffles me how so many people are afraid of voicing an opinion. It wasn’t so long ago that the Nazis used this kind of brainwashing and propaganda to commit genocide. And we are going down this path again with our eyes wide open. 


Back in early 2020 governments the world over were advised by the WHO to impose widespread lockdown measures in order to curb the spread of the virus. The media were so distracted with whether or not the virus came from a bat or a pangolin that no one thought to ask if these counter measures at controlling people was the best option for the economies of the world in the first place. No one gave any thought to the destruction that would ensue. How many people would lose their jobs, livelihoods and minds in the process. Because we trusted the people we vote for to do what is in our best interest.


The second-largest funder of the WHO is the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which provides 9.8% of the WHO’s funds, effectively calling the shots! After Trump pulled funding, The World Health Organisation is now effectively owned by Microsoft and China. Bloody terrifying thought that is!


It is now too late to put the genie back in the bottle. For governments to admit that they acted without a full understanding of the facts or unable to foresee the chaos and destruction that would ensue, going back and admitting they were wrong will result in chaos, crippling class actions and people in power being forced to step down. There will be anarchy. Confidence in governments the world over has been severely compromised not to mention the unstable public option of giant pharmaceutical companies. 

The puppet masters at the WHO (Gates) is also a major shareholder in Pfizer. Incidentally the Gates foundation funded the development of the Pfizer owned sterilisation contraceptive Sayana, targeting specifically third world countries. At the risk of joining the ranks of the conspiracy theorists, it seems that the company who gave birth to computer viruses has also given birth to a means of enforced sterilisation. 

Getting rid of the elderly and ill, controlling those who are young and able though fear and ensuring that those who can have children are stopped in their tracks. The facts really do speak for themselves, but you can connect the dots?

Perhaps people do nothing and say nothing because they feel that their opinions don’t count? They they won’t be heard amongst the noise created by the media and the hysteria? People don’t speak up because they are afraid of what there peers may think of them. And this is why the greatest tragedies throughout human history happen. People who do nothing. People who say nothing. In the face of glaring evidence that the emperor is wearing no clothes, the average person waits for someone else to take action.  We are in a mess and in the hands of people who do not have anyones best interest at heart except for themselves and their own agendas. 


So what good can possibly come from this situation? Thankfully some have realised that their health is in their own hands and no one can save them except for themselves. If you take the steps to stay healthy - eat real food, get decent sleep, surround yourself with positive people and exercise - preferably in the sunlight, chances are you won’t even know if you catch a virus because your body is innately geared towards protecting you from getting seriously ill.


It has hopefully brought to light the logical realisation that if you aren’t feeling well, stay at home. Wash your hands and don’t sneeze on people.


With luck, more of us will wake up and realise that no vaccine or drug can save you from bad decisions. Giant corporations are not creating vaccines because they care about you, they care about their profits. If they engineered medicine for altruistic purposes they would be non-profits not multibillion dollar organisations. And perhaps more people will realise that governments and government institutions are controlled by the private sector who are the giants they are, because we, the public created them. 

We buy their products, whether the product is software, insurance, junk food or drugs. We created these organisations who are controlling the governments who are controlling us - with fear.  With hope more people we will start to see the self perpetuating, destructive cycle that we have come to think of as normal, or maybe not.


My greatest wish for you in 2021 who ever you are, wherever you are, is to wake up and take responsibility for you own health, your own choices and your own autonomy. Speak up when something doesn’t add up and stop feeding the fear.


https://www.bmj.com/content/371/bmj.m4916

https://www.icd10monitor.com/false-positives-in-pcr-tests-for-covid-19

https://www.chiropractic.org/informed-consent-and-freedom-of-choice-on-vaccination-issues/
https://www.cebm.net/covid-19/death-certificate-data-covid-19-as-the-underlying-cause-of-death/

https://sif.gatesfoundation.org/investments/pfizer/

https://www.devex.com/news/big-concerns-over-gates-foundation-s-potential-to-become-largest-who-donor-97377

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Cardcaptor Sakura S1

For faithfulness reasons, I’ll forgo rewatching in English even though I’m Jared 19 and never learned how to read 

I will say the original English dub had a BANGER of a theme song and I do miss that

"I’m a Fourth Grader at Tomoeda Elementary” I know I watched this like when I was age 7 or smth but SHE’S LIKE 10?? OH MY GOD who is letting this ten-year-old roam the streets

“I’m gonna stomp on him” [Lucille Bluth voice] good for her

I fully forgot Sakura had a dad I was ready to accept her Grade 11 brother raising her

Sakura’s roller blades give me visceral memories of my barbie skates

Lmao is Yuki’s ability to throw a piece of candy at a child from a moving bicycle backwards foreshadowing his superhero abilities

Okay having checked this scene in both English versions and Japanese, my opinion no one asked for: the Aminax version is bad voices on all counts, Japanese has a better voice for Toya and original English dub has a better voice for Sakura and Yukito (who they called Julian lmao) I am not accepting constructive criticism 

Tomoyo and Sakura sound so similar I could not even tell that Tomoyo was speaking omg

“There isn’t anything cuter or more interesting than you Sakura-chan” Tomoyo is really honest with her feelings I guess ten-year-olds be like that sometimes

“Is someone there” home invasions are what happens when you don’t lock your front door

This is not a study lmao this is a personal library there is hardly a workspace just aisles of shelves

Oh shit The Clow WIND RAIN SHADOW WOOD SWORD POWER THUNDER SLEEP CARD CAPTORS OF THE CLOW EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED NOW

Wait if this is hanging out in her dad’s study was her dad the last Cardcaptor lmao

Or probs her mom, since she’s gone the way of all anime moms

Sakura is accepting this whole “tiny magical flying lion” thing p well

“I accidentally fell asleep” “For how long” “30 years” same

“Stand right over there” Kerberos does not ask permission before magical girl transforming you lmao

“Why are you acting so wimpy” bc she’s 10 and you’re asking her to fight a giant ghost bird???

Honestly I love a good quest-to-collect-important-items maybe Inuyasha and DBZ ruined my taste but it’s a great formula 

“You’ll be a better adult if you have all sorts of experiences in your life” r u going to take career counselling advice from a tiny flying lion Sakura

I do kind of miss Kero’s slightly unhinged young man energy

I like that whenever Sakura’s brother is rude she steps on his foot or kicks him fkjhjgkh excellent little sister depiction

I was expecting more secrecy but it is very funny to see Tomoyo try to convince her friend to be a superhero

“Do a flashy one” kfhkjdhkj Kero supports the use of magic powers for showing off

“Trademark poses and skills are the basic parts of being a magical girl” oh my gooood

I mean if I walked into my school and there was a mountain of haphazard desks waiting there I too would be threatened 

Sakura is the only one in this group who has a reasonable understanding of what ten-year-olds should be allowed to do

LMAO @ Tomoyo’s team of bodyguards dropping her off to break into the school ONLY TO DRIVE AWAY

Tomoyo and Kero’s friendship is killing me the SHENANIGANS

I’m not sure I accept this light logic bc you need light to cast a shadow

Sakura’s “heart-racing first date” ur TEN oh my god

I mean it’s nice that Sakura wants to save the penguin but why did it take that for her to get upset it was going to drown a whole adult woman

Did Toya just RIP APART a WHIRLPOOL with his BARE HANDS

I wonder how Toya feels that his little sister has a crush on his boyfriend lmao

This cell phone is really top of the line for 1999 lmao I love it 

U know if I were a high school student and my friend asked my 10 year old sibling out to lunch instead of me I’d be confused

"They’re not even gonna hold hands? Kids these days” This is a VERY weird vibe for an episode

You know I guess if you never watch the second episode you never have context for all of these superhero outfits LMAO

None of these locations have security cameras I guess the 1990s was a lawless time

Will all of Yuki’s magical advice be delivered in the form of mysterious field trips

LMAO @ YUKITO ALWAYS TAKING SAKURA TO TOYA’S TEMP JOBS

Say what you will about the ominous influence of the other card, I think Wood is being fairly polite since it’s contorting around her house instead of destroying it lmao

“I was planning to film ‘Sakura Dances in the Jungle’ in the park today” I love Tomoyo 

Every little girl in this show sounds so similar lmao this is not good for my distracted watching style 

Wow Ms Maki is really unloading on these two fourth grade girls 

Since Tomoyo clearly interacts with even the more spirit-like Clow Cards I really have to wonder why no one else in this town is seeing these giant ghost monsters loom around the city

Well I guess this episode is a direct response to my previous comment 

“I can’t stand scary stories” says the girl who spends her nights going into isolated areas and fighting magical ghosts

Seeing Sakura activate her Fly card really gives me overwhelming nostalgia for the days I wanted nothing more than to be a Cardcaptor I used to wave around a toy broom like that magic key ahhhhhhhh

In the absence of the first English voice and with the added gentle Japanese intonation for his speaking, I am constantly forgetting that Yukito’s character is a 16-year-old boy 

Toya is really casually bomb-dropping the fact that he used to see ghosts and Yuki’s just like ‘dope are there ghosts around now’

Omg Kero’s sad face as he dropped the flower in Sakura’s lap 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“I want to see if she wants to tell me something” like maybe ‘don’t run around town at night chasing ghosts ur 10!!!’ 

UHHHH AGAIN TOYA REAL CASUAL ABOUT THE GHOST THING 

Yukito Tsukishiro: Chronic Aid-er and Abet-er of Pre-teen Mischief 

Also if I’m right his name means something like “Ice White Moon?” Very heavy-handed foreshadowing lmao

“After we left, I went to the museum again and borrowed one” TOMOYO U CASED THE JOINT KJDHFKJHF

WHY IS EVERY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KID IN THIS TOWN ABLE TO BREAK INTO THIS MUSEUM SO EASILY

Tomoyo is eerily well-prepared for this mission it’s like she has been planning to burgle a museum all her life

They really made an executive choice to have both a Yuuki and a Yuki that was a decision that someone made

Oh hey it’s the other pre-teen supehero!!! That guy!!

The more I think about it, the stranger the height difference between Sakura and her brother becomes bc compared to him she’s really like 2.5 feet tall they did not pick a proportion scale

U see this what I mean by gentle intonation, Syaoran somehow sounds older than Yuki simple by roughness of voice

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TOYA U DEFEND UR SISTER

“Here, a steamed pork bun” Yuki sure nows how to de-escalate lmao 

“That is made out of an insulator as well” Tomoyo is really prepared for any and every situation

It’s not fair of Li to compare what is probably years of magical training from his family to ‘trial by fire for eight weeks with a plush toy who doesn’t explain anything important until critical moments’

I’m really not sure what’s happening with Rika and the teacher but I DON’T LIKE IT

“I just want to be with you as long as possible” [cut to floral pattern] Tomoyo is aiming to supersede Yuki as Gentle Shojo Protagonist Sakura Fixates On looool

I’m sure there’s NOTHING significant about this familiar-looking sword brooch

Kero biting Li whenever whenever he says something rude to Sakura kghkjghk direct feminist action

What IS THIS business with Li running away flustered like that are pre-teen Cardcaptors ONLY allowed to have a crush on Yukito

“I guess I’ll have to beat him up once” Toya has zero qualms about fighting a ten-year-old

Two fourth graders giving Yukito chocolate while he peacefully hangs out with his boyfriend is the funniest version of executing this weirdness that could happen

What I’m really wondering is how the hell they cut out or explained away Li’s crush in the first English anime

“You were just a fledgling teacher and you married one of your [high school] students!!” u did WHAT what the FUCK MR. KINOMOTO I’m on Sonomi’s side

“Mother got married when she was 16″ MR. KINOMOTO CANCELLED! BANNED! THE HELL IS THIS!

“It was I who was granted time with Nadeshiko from her 16th to 27th birthdays” GO 2 JAIL DO NOT PASS GO 

This episode has added a lot of layers to this show none of which I like

“What kind of person was my dad” someone who should be banned from teaching

“Your father is a disgusting person” WELL

SONOMI I KNOW UR TRYING TO BE NICE BUT HE HAS AT LEAST ONE MAJOR FLAW

Lmao they’re not even giving context why Yuki is around anymore he’s just an accepted artifact of the Kinomoto household

How is that the Time card is Li’s but not Thunder since he also returned that one to its original form

“Their fastest confirmed speed is over 100km/h” Yamazaki leave Li alone he just wants to adore the sloths jhfkhgjhgkhg

Ahhhhhh Li helping Sakura get the Power card?? These motives are quite hard to read but it seems sweet

OMGGG @ TOMOYO MAKING SAKURA DEADLIFT A PLAYGROUND

“I heard a rumour that everyone who asked Kinomoto out has been denied.” Well. [x]

“It’s one of the seven strangest things at this school, that both Kinomoto and Tsukishiro don’t have girlfriends.” WELL. [x]

AWWWWW YUKI DOESN’T LEAVE THE OTHER PRE-TEEN FAN CLUB MEMBERS OUT OF HIS KIND GESTURES

[Hannibal Buress voice] I was so caught up in euphoria of festival arcs, that for like a minute I lived in a world where the rest of this anime didn’t exist 

TOYA BEING THE STAR OF DRAG CINDERELLA... OP UR MIND

I have no idea what the premise of the next Clow Card is but I really hope it’s “turn u into whatever ur acting as” bc I will LOSE my mind

I have not heard Yuki once intone as passionately as he did when he thought Toya was going to fall 

“You like someone else” 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

“I didn’t promise anyone else a dance” Can I just say I LOVE TOYA?

The moment of stillness before Yukito revealed who he was asking to dance lmao... the repressed teenage wlw inside me LIVES

Yuki and Toya tag-teaming as the Sakura Support Team my heart!!

Geolocating someone from a fax... the incredible 90sness of this act....

I seriously don’t understand this world in which you leave 5- and 10-year-olds unattended for hours where are your child welfare laws

I am really choosing to ignore how absolutely bananas the concept of Tomoyo having a hidden Sakura Movie Theatre is

Speaking of weird, are we just trusting that this old man is normal? Is everyone doing that? I’m still not ready to trust yet the Sakura’s dad situation really burned me

“Girls look their best when they smile” a sweet thought that would not fly if an old man I just met told me that lmao

I’m REALLY not trusting this old man dressing up this girl in his dead (missing?) granddaughter’s clothes and staring broodily when she mentions there is a parent with her

“My great-granddaughter seemed happy” YOUR WHAT NOW 

Their school trips seem much more fun than ours were we never went to the beach or fishing or got disappeared briefly in a cave

It continues to be funny how Sakura and Li have 0% tension re: Clow Cards, 99% tension re: Yukito who is already in a committed Something or the Other with Sakura’s brother

“Why were you on the roof” “Because it’s nice out today” LOL YUKITO

There’s no rhyme or reason to these card types huh some are like “I will destroy an entire zoo for fun” and other ones are like “mood lighting :)”

Sakura really isn’t out here to teach us any lessons lol it’s really a ‘get others to do your homework if you can get away with it’ episode

Rounding out the triad of superpowered pre-teens with Meilin I suppose

“Syaoran is my fiance” I have had it up to HERE with this anime cousinfuckery I don’t CARE if it’s cool in Japan or Hong Kong or whatever STOP BEING WEIRD WITH YOUR COUSINS

Poor Syaoran he was doing so well with getting along with Sakura until Meilin got here

"It was done by a girl again?” Oh my god is Meilin beating up grown men in parks for street cred

“It seems our relationship chart has gotten rather complicated” Tomoyo probably means astrology chart but here’s my understanding so far:

Speaking of complex relationships I wonder how Meilin will react to Syaoran’s crush on Yuki

This rivalry between Sakura and Meilin could not be more one-sided

I really was wondering for a second if the card was going to split in half

I love the vibe of Sakura and Toya teaming up to help their creepy dad but even MORE SO I love that Yukito is In This Household

“The contents are already up here” This episode really doesn’t hit the same way now that cloud storage exists and also what were all those floppy disks for if not to save your work Mr. Kinomoto

I love that Tomoyo always pulls her weight in her superhero sidekick role like she is here to support and help whenever needed 

Sakura using her powers to impress her crush with a ghost duet lmao these priorities 

“Sakura’s Little Adventure” I see what u did there

Kero’s little shoulder pat with his paw to let Sakura know he’s there aw

Omg this Clow Card is so cute “Is it your fault I’m so small now?” [nods pleasantly]

It is very bold of Sakura to be doing magic so casually when her brother and Yuki are right downstairs 

I like that this show recognizes the inherent intimacy of allowing someone to cut your hair

“Information about you has gotten around to the cards” well this is an ominous start to this funky tarot reading

Well the experience of seeing his little sister try to murder him has got to be traumatizing for Toya I hope he doesn’t remember this

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM DID TOYA JUST FALL OFF OF A CLIFF

“Can you give me a break... and stop looking like Sakura” EXCUSE ME

“My mom’s up there too, so say hi to her for me” OH MY GOOOOD TOYA REALLY DOES SEE GHOSTS AHHHHHHHHHHH

WAIT SO IT WAS A CLOW CARD DOES TOYA HAVE MAGICAL POWERS TOO

Omg @ Toya feeding Yuki from his bed this really is an intimate episode

I kind of appreciate the slow build of this show like it took them 25 episodes to introduce meaningful stakes

“But it might be tougher than the earth going ‘boom!’ Depending on who you are...” Well hello threatening figure in sunglasses standing outside Sakura’s house what’s up

“I’ll look the other way” Ms Mizuki is literally this meme:

I can only assume that if Toya knows Ms. Mizuki then she must be a ghost

Personally if Mizuki gives Syaoran the heebie jeebies I trust his instincts

“Um... do you like Yukito too?” Oh my goooood they’re sincerely discussing being Not Straight in middle school in this 90s anime that I watched when I was 7 I cannot believe

“And it’s been a year since you told me you loved me here” WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS FAMILY WANT TO DATE SOMEONE TOO OLD FOR THEM WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING DATING SOMEONE TOYA’S AGE MIZUKI

Also I have to rethink every thought I had about Toya being gay. I mean bi is great too but my thoughts..... racing...........

“Because the next time I see you, you’ll have someone else that you’ll be in love with” Yukito BF confirmed but oh my GOD this relationship chart IS complicated good lord

If there’s anything the episode “Sakura and Her Shrine of Memories” has taught me it’s that everyone in this show is bisexual and all teachers in their neighbourhood should be in jail

I understand that Meilin is a kid but poor Syaoran he is constantly being harassed 

I love Yuki’s bottomless stomach lmao

Syaoran and Sakura have such a genuinely supportive relationship but it is very funny how they try simultaneously to get Yuki’s attention with the exact same words

“I’ve been thinking for a while that Mr. Terada is a lot like my dad” oh thank you Rika for someone finally being normal in this show

“Well it’s a harmless one” You see this is what I mean the dichotomy of Clow Cards is like... “I’m going trap you in a maze until you perish” or “I’m gonna give you a sugar rush :]”

I like that Sakura and Syaoran are starting to partner up as a duo on purpose like yessss I love a 1-2 finish and friendship development

Ahhh poor Syaoran he’s realizing that Yukito’s #1 in his life is the Kinomoto fam

We’re all familiar with the eternal struggle of whether using ur superpowers for school sports is cheating 

AWWW SYAORAN USING HIS POWERS FOR MAGICAL PEP TALKS AFTER HE HELPED TURN REI’S PET FOX INTO A POKEMON CARD THAT’S MY BOOOOY

“I will stomp on him” it’s been 31 episodes let Sakura stomp on her brother

Oh my GOOOD does this Big card mean that Sakura WILL FINALLY STOMP ON TOYA LMAO

Ur telling me that no one else in this ENTIRE TOWN notices this altercation of a giant preteen vs a dragon

Why does the logic for how voices travel based on size apply for the Little card (when Toya was speaking) and not for the Big card (when Sakura is speaking)

Sgskdhgkhkgjh honestly body switching as a trope will never not be funny

Syaoran blushing and running away from Sakura oh how the turn tables

Every domestic scene that Yuki and Toya have adds ten years to my life we love some gay/bi teens about to be gay/bi adults

Ffskhhfkj I absolutely cannot relate to this Southern Hemisphere nonsense of finding ten degrees celsius arctic cold like BRO that is a normal spring day here

“We’re not frozen because we have magical powers” I know that cutaway was to confirm Mizuki’s magical powers again but this would’ve been a hilarious time to reveal that like Yamazaki the Compulsively Lying Classmate had powers

Awwww he likes her now that’s cute 

“I got work that day” I will bet someone ten dollars that Toya is working at that quiz rally

Update from 5 minutes later: PAYPAL ME $10

Kero keeps whispering to the moon when in fact some iteration of the moon is right around the corner (literally)

GOOOOOOOOD SYAORAN REALIZING HE HAS A CRUSH ON BOTH HALVES OF THAT TEAM KILLS ME SWEET BOY

Shared Gaze of People Who Have Dated* Toya and Have Magical Powers They Haven’t Revealed Yet

*Go to jail Mizuki

I am really going crazy wondering when they’re gonna reveal stuff about Yukito like bitchhhhhhh I know you’re a moon man when will u tellll usss

How many more times will Sakura have this same threatening dream before she realizes her math teacher is probably going to try to kill her

Update from one minute later: I guess it was exactly one more time

“That’s right, Yukito’s birthday is on Christmas day” is this coming to be a coming of age where he like suddenly sprouts wings at age 17

I’ve been thinking this for a while but this show makes it seem like Japan has a much more fun approach to athletics than my school experiences

Yukito really is unflappable about hanging out with a bunch of kids half his height huh he’s like the Fourth Grader Whisperer

I KNEW IT YUKITO NEVER GOES WITH SAKURA ANYWHERE UNLESS HER BROTHER WILL ALSO BE WORKING THERE DFHKDFHKJ every time it’s just “Hey Toya :)”

“This kid...” HAHAH TOYA HAS JUST REALIZED THAT SYAORAN HAS A CRUSH ON HIS LITTLE SISTER AND HIS BOYFRIEND THE UTTER SUSPICION IN HIS TONE

“Wind become a binding chain” Whoops Sakura foiled by 4th grade knowledge of the elements

Oh shiiiit love a world-building moment now we have two card combos in play ayyyyy

Lmao @ Kero using his returned powers immediately for fireworks mood lighting is a serious Clow Card priority

“I would like to come again this year” everything in this show feels like foreshadowing for dramatic irony

[nazariolahela]

Something Domestic: Chapter 2

A/N: Hey y'all! This is a new TRR AU I’ve been working on. This story is told in first-person narrative, from Riley’s (MC) POV. There will likely be smidges of canon in this, but not too much. Thanks for reading, and please leave feedback, and/or if you would like to be tagged.

Catch up here

Series Tags: @burnsoslow @aworldoffandoms @dcbbw @ladyangel70 @texaskitten30 @sunandlemons @jlynn12273 @drakesensworld @badchoicesposts

Synopsis: When Riley Brooks takes a new job as a nanny for the affluent Rhys family in New York’s Upper East Side, she assumes she’s just going to care for the children of the couple who hired her. But instead of just school pick-ups and afternoon snacks, she also finds herself spending time with Liam, the handsome divorced dad. Can Riley control her feelings for Liam while still performing the job she was hired for?

All characters are the property of Pixelberry Studios. Thanks for allowing me to borrow them.

Chapter Summary: Riley gets the grand tour of her new employer’s home.

Madeleine walks me through the rest of the penthouse, showing off each room. We make our way to the second floor where the bedrooms and bathrooms are located. The second level has the best view, in my opinion. At the top of the stairs, the floor splits into two wings. Down the west wing, she points out a playroom, and Charlotte and Philip’s rooms, a large bathroom with a soaking tub, and a walk-in shower that’s probably bigger than my entire apartment.

There are doors on either side of the bathroom that lead to the kids’ rooms. We continue down to the end of the hall to the guest room, which has its own half bath. The size of this room makes me think it’s the master bedroom, except for the tiny bath. Looking around, I notice a book and a cell phone charger on the nightstand next to the bed. There is also a bathrobe hanging on the back of the door. This room looks pretty lived-in for being a guest room, and I wonder to myself who else is staying here. 

Making our way back, we head down the east wing of the penthouse, and she shows me Liam’s office and the master suite. In the middle of the tour, Madeleine’s phone buzzes and she excuses herself to answer it. Letting my curiosity get the best of me, I slip in through the slightly ajar door to see the most amazing sprawling master bedroom with a four-poster bed. There’s a massive walk-in closet full of designer clothes and shoes.

A single framed photo sits on one of the nightstands. I make my way closer to inspect it and see that it’s a wedding photo. Awkward.

I inspect the photo. Liam looks like the happiest man in the world. Of course, Madeleine isn’t smiling. I’m pretty sure the woman is incapable. I step away from the photo and examine the rest of the bedroom.

To the left, is the five-fixture en-suite master bath. A sliding glass door leads out to a triple-wrap terrace where a fire pit sits in the middle of an eight-piece outdoor sofa set. The view from the balcony is absolutely stunning. The New York skyline sits in front of me like a priceless painting. I slip through the sliding door and make my way across the balcony. As I take in the view, I peek over the railing to see the bustling street below. A girl could get used to this.

“Enjoying the view?” A voice says from behind me, and I jump. I turn around to find Liam standing in the doorway, watching me. Good lord, this man is stunning. I need to control myself if I'm going to be working for him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be out here. Madeleine was giving me a tour, and she had to take a phone call.” I say as my cheeks burn.

He smiles at me, shaking his head. “No biggie. She got a call from work so she asked me to finish giving you the tour. But it seems you’ve already found your way around the place. What do you think so far?”

“This place is incredible. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a home.” I say, turning back to stare out at the cityscape. I feel him behind me, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand.

“It is a pretty spectacular view,” he says, striding across the balcony toward me. “One of the reasons we bought this place is because of this. I fell in love with it the minute I saw it.”

I nod, looking around the balcony. “I can see why.” I don't even know how much he paid for this place, but it’s totally worth it. Note to self: Look up the value of his home on Zillow later tonight. I turn to him, “The place is amazing. Even though it's so spacious, it feels so cozy." I pause. Do I bring up the guest room? I don't know why it's necessary, but before I can stop myself, I blurt out the question. "Uhmmm..one more thing. Just curious if anyone else is going to be living here. I noticed the guest room looks like someone’s been staying in there.”

His body stiffens and he looks down at the ground as his hand rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah. That’s actually what I wanted to speak with you about earlier, but the kids were in the room.”

I cock my eyebrow at him. “Oookay?”

He takes a deep breath and his steely blue eyes stare into mine. God, I could get lost in them. His voice wavers as he speaks. “Madeleine and are in the middle of a divorce. That’s her room.”

My own baby blues widen. Well, this just went from zero to awkward AF in about 2.5 seconds. How did I not notice that beforehand? The cold looks she shot him during my interview. The way she sat separately from her family. The martini at 11 o’clock in the morning. “Oh...I see,” I reply, averting my eyes back to the skyline.

“We haven’t told a lot of people yet. The tabloids don’t even know. The only people who know are our families and close friends. And, well you, now. We’re hoping to make this as civilized as possible without upsetting Charlotte and Philip too much. Once everything is finalized, we’re going to tell the kids and she’ll be moving out. In the meantime, she stays in the east wing with the kids.”

“So, what’s up with the wedding photo on the nightstand?”

He sighs deeply and runs his fingers through his hair. “I guess I haven’t gotten around to putting it away yet. Part of me hasn’t accepted that our marriage is over.”

I swallow, not entirely sure how to respond. He's opening up to me, and I don't know how to comfort him. Come to think of it, why does he feel the need to tell me this? I'm not family or close friends. I'm just a stranger. His kids' nanny, actually. I understand why he thinks this is important information for me to know, considering I’m going to be a part of his family’s lives for the foreseeable future, but it seems so personal. I wonder to myself, not daring to ask what happened. As if he’s reading my thoughts, he answers my question. 

“She cheated on me. Slept with some stuffy suit from her PR firm. Rashad or something like that.” He turns to me and I catch him watching me out the corner of my eye.

Holy shit. Talk about a scandal. My heart breaks for him. I think to myself how someone could do something like that to someone they supposedly love. Especially someone as good looking as Liam. Even when he’s heartbroken, he looks so kissable. Damnit, Riley. Stop it. This is bordering on inappropriate. The man’s wife betrayed him and he's your motherloving boss, you horny bitch! I push the thoughts back and nod. “I'm sorry to hear that. Forgive me for overstepping, but why are you telling me this?”

He laughs in a rich, deep tone, the sound reverberating through my body. “Well, since you’re practically a part of our family now, I figured that you should know. I’m sorry if it feels like I’m pouring my heart out to you. I just wanted you to be aware of the situation in case it comes up.”

I give him a weak smile and rack my brain, thinking of something to change the subject with. Think Riley, think. After what feels like forever, I speak up. “So, other than your kids and your company, what do you do in your spare time?”

A grin spreads across his face. “Not much since the kids were born, but my best friend Drake owns a tavern a few blocks from here called The Double Tappe. I try to get down there once a week for a drink.”

“Oh my god! I love that place,” I reply. “It’s my favorite Happy Hour spot.” It’s more than that though, It’s practically the hottest dive bar in town for the under-30 crowd. I grin recalling that Hana and I spend every Friday night there sucking down $5 Whiskey Sours and singing karaoke. I rack my brain, trying to think if I’ve seen him there before, but given that I’m some form of intoxicated most of the time, it’s no use.

He nods. “Yeah, it’s gotten pretty popular over the years, much to Drake’s dismay. For a guy whose business thrives on customer service, he’s not the most outgoing person.”

“Drake,” I say to myself, trying to picture him in my head. “Wait... Dark brown hair, always wearing flannel and turning his nose up at anyone who orders something other than whiskey?”

Liam chuckles, “That’s the one. He’s kind of a stickler when it comes to a good spirit. I told him when he opened the place that not everyone drinks whiskey, but he didn’t want to hear it. He almost had to close the doors a few years back because he refused to serve any other drinks. Thankfully, he came to his senses and expanded his menu, but it took a little kicking and screaming for him to get there.”

I giggle. “Well, I’m glad things worked out for him. His bar is great for broke postgrads like myself. Great atmosphere and the drinks are cheap.”

“I’ll be sure to pass that along,” Liam smiles.

We both stand there listening to the sounds of the city before my stomach rudely interrupts. I smile and look at the time on my phone. It’s already past noon and clearly, I’m starting to get hungry. “Well, if there’s nothing more to show me, I suppose I should take off. Thank you again for this opportunity. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you and your family."

He reaches over and places his hand on my arm to stop me, then pulls it back. "Hey...if you don't have plans, how about we go get a bite to eat?"

I eye him warily. Did he really just invite me to lunch?  He's extremely attractive, but he's also my boss. One lunch won't hurt, right? However, what would the agency say if they found out I was taking private lunches with employers? As I wage an inner battle with my thoughts, he clears his throat.

"I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. I don't want you to think I'm making a pass at you. I know how seriously you take your job."

I smile back at him. "Oh, no. It's fine. I'm actually supposed to meet my roommate in a little while. Umm...but I'll see you bright and early Monday morning."

He smiles and leads me back inside through the penthouse and back to the elevator. As I reach the foyer, I turn back to him and catch his eye. His gaze bores into me and my breath catches in my chest. Why do I suddenly feel flushed? Before I let my hormones take over and do something stupid, I extend my hand out and shake his. "Okay then. See you on Monday!" I say again a little too enthusiastically. The elevator door dings and I exhale, thanking the Gods for getting me out of this awkward situation. As I step in and turn around, I catch him smiling at me as the doors close. 

Once the elevator makes its descent, I pull out my phone and immediately dial Hana. She picks up on the second ring.

"Hey! How did it go?"

Hoo boy, that's a loaded question. Do I tell her about the last sexually-charged hour? Shut up, Riley. It wasn't like that. Was there really chemistry between us or is it all in my head?

"Great! How about you meet me at our spot in half an hour and I'll tell you all about it over lunch?"

Her bubbly reply rings through the speaker. "Can't wait. See you soon!"

I hang up the phone and take a deep breath. When the elevator stops, and the doors glide open, I gather my thoughts and stride out into the lobby. The same receptionist is still at her perch, still catching up on her celebrity gossip.

Hmm...I notice that Liam and Madeleine are on the cover of her magazine with their children, looking like the perfect family. I frown as I think about how their situation really is. The receptionist looks up from her magazine, side-eying me as I wave goodbye and make my way out the front door to the busy sidewalk outside. 

I stop for a moment and take a deep breath as the city buzzes with activity. I wave for a cab, and as one slows in front of me, I reflect on the last hour. Did all of that really just happen? Something about the way his eyes sparkled when he talked to me. I wonder if he felt it too. Either that or I totally imagined it and that’s just how looks at everyone. Maybe that's why Madeleine cheated.  No, Riley. You don't know the whole situation so stop making assumptions. I swing open the cab door and climb inside. As I give the driver the address to the restaurant, I look back at the building and say a silent prayer for my sanity.

[truthbeetoldmedia]

Brooklyn Nine-Nine 6x08 “He Said, She Said” Review

The detectives of Brooklyn’s 99th precinct have solved plenty of gory murders, drug rings, B&Es, and cases of identity theft, but one area the show has steered clear of — until now — was the subject of sexual assault. And with good reason: how does a comedy find the humour in a situation that is all too distressingly real for the majority of women?

In the wake of the #MeToo movement (it’s worth mentioning that Terry Crews, who plays Terry Jeffords, has been one of the most vocal supporters of the movement since the beginning, sharing his own story of sexual assault), it seemed it would only be a matter of time before Brooklyn Nine-Nine turned its attention to the sensitive subject; and, in the same vein as episodes such as “Moo Moo” and “Game Night”, manages to make its point authentically and succinctly, while still providing laughs.

During the morning briefing, Captain Holt tells the squad about their newest case: Seth Haggerty, who has had his penis broken by a golf club. Jake’s game of guessing how such an injury could possibly occur is ruined when Holt somberly informs them that Seth was attacked by a female coworker who claims he had sexually assaulted her.

Jake is assigned to the case and Amy, who is somehow three weeks ahead in her paperwork, offers to jump on with him. As we learn later, Amy has ulterior motives for wanting to work the case, outside of getting back in the field: it hits close to home for her, as she, like many, has also suffered through workplace harassment.

First, Jake and Amy interrogate Seth, who is wearing a comedic diaper cast. Predictably, he claims that he did nothing wrong. Next, they bring in Keri, who tells her side of the story: Seth had been drinking, he got her alone and tried to take her clothes off, so she took his golf club and hit him in the “cookie monster” with it.

Right away, this episode did something I was impressed by: it would have been easy for Jake or someone else to want to take Seth at his word, to question Keri’s version of events, or to suggest that her response was the wrong one; but no one does. (In fact, the show sends Hitchcock, perhaps the one most likely to make any such comments, home for the week in the cold open, perhaps realizing that such a storyline is one Hitchcock can’t live in genuinely.)

It’s one thing to say the woman needs to be believed; it’s another to show it, and show it without saying that that’s what you’re doing.

After discussing it, Jake and Amy decide that Keri should file charges against Seth for sexual assault. But she refuses, because her company has already offered her a $2.5 million hush money payment and a promotion in exchange for her silence.

It seems like an easy decision to make: $2.5 million to pretend nothing ever happened; or open an investigation which has little chance of finding any damning evidence, relive the assault, and open yourself up to being disbelieved, ostracized, and punished for telling the truth.

Except.

Assaulters don’t deserve to walk free.

This is the crux of Me Too: it takes an inordinate amount of courage to make oneself so vulnerable in order to stop the same thing from happening again, to someone else, when there seems to be so little possibility of success.

After some encouragement from Amy, Keri decides to press charges and an investigation is officially opened, but it doesn’t get off to the most auspicious start: Jake and Amy arrive at Keri’s workplace to conduct interviews with her coworkers, hoping someone else will corroborate her story, but everyone seems intent on toeing the company line and insist that Seth is a “great guy” and the company is a “very professional place.” (This, while some employees are openly drunk.)

Not only do Jake and Amy not get the evidence they need, they find out that Keri has been fired and her settlement retracted because acts of violence won’t be tolerated. Distressed, Amy throws herself into the case, desperate to find evidence so that Keri doesn’t lose her job because of Amy’s advice.

Later, Amy comes clean to Jake about why exactly this case hits so close to home for her: at her first precinct, she was approached by her commanding officer after being promoted to detective, because he seemed to think she owed him something in return for her career. Amy never told anyone about the incident, in which her boss tried to kiss her, because she felt that maybe her promotion hadn’t been earned in the first place and that any future promotions wouldn’t be offered to her. (This particular backstory seems to be lifted right from the Harvey Weinstein scandal that started the whole Me Too movement in the first place.)

Another thing this episode did very well — as it did in the aforementioned “Game Night” episode, also — was let Jake sit back and be a comforting presence and ally rather than an active participant. As “Game Night” was Rosa’s episode, “He Said, She Said” is Amy’s. (Jake himself brings attention to the role of men in this topic while Rosa and Amy are having a back-and-forth about the merits of pursuing a sexual assault charge: should he leave the room, or should he be a part of the conversation? In the end, he decides to be an active listener and stop interjecting, which is exactly the right call.)

Because this is Brooklyn Nine-Nine and, above all, it’s a show that’s meant to make you feel good, Amy and Jake do end up with the evidence they need: one of the employees at the firm comes forward with a text chain in which Seth tells the same story Keri did. However, even with the conviction, Keri still quits her job because she knows she’s being isolated from her other coworkers and that will have ramifications of her career.

Two step forward and one step back. As the show is sure to iterate, doing the right thing isn’t always easy.

It’s not all bittersweet, though; the episode ends with Rosa revealing that another female employee from the same firm has come forward to share her story, which leads to my favourite line of the episode: “Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.”

If this plotline does all the heavy lifting of the episode, the B-plot works hard to add in some levity: Captain Holt learns that one of his greatest-ever collars, the Disco Strangler, has died when his transport van flipped and caught on fire. (This is a reference that goes waaaaaay back: the Disco Strangler was mentioned in the show’s pilot episode, when Terry uses the story of his capture to convince Jake that their new captain is the Real Deal.)

Although all evidence — including a charred body and the word of a badly injured van driver — points to his old nemesis actually being dead, Captain Holt refuses to believe it, thinking instead that this is the Disco Strangler’s great escape.

Is this a case of Captain Holt’s detective senses being right despite having no evidence to go on, or is he making up a case because accepting that the Disco Strangler is dead would also mean accepting that his best years are behind him?

Terry and Charles seem to think it’s the latter, and as Holt investigates and the evidence mounts against him, it seems they’re right: Holt’s main clue, a piece of string that he believes belonged to a yo-yo, turns out to be part of the sign the Strangler had to wear that declared him a fall risk, and seeing the van driver badly injured in the hospital makes it seem ridiculous to think that she could be in cahoots with the criminal.

Just as Holt is ready to admit that he’s wrong and he is no longer the young cop he used to be, he receives aerial footage from a helicopter of the Disco Strangler walking along a highway. Holt orders a team be dispatched to pick him up. The thirty-odd intervening years since Holt last caught the Disco Strangler make themselves known though, as Holt’s triumphant moment is somewhat ruined by the fact that the old Strangler is too deaf to hear what he’s saying.

Working off a reduced cast for this episode (as previously mentioned, Hitchcock is sent home in the cold open, Scully only has a minor role to play, and Stephanie Beatriz, who directed the episode, only appears as Rosa a couple of times) works in the show’s favour: the two main plots balance each other nicely, and each is given room to breathe, with especial attention given to Amy’s story in a way that doesn’t feel rushed or overbearing. As usual, the show handles delicate subject matter with deftness and finesse, and I’m grateful for it.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine airs Thursdays on NBC at 9/8c.

Sam’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝🐝.5

[falcqns]

Not the same anon who asked about it but wow your house and future plans sound so awesome! I’m trying not to feel inadequate lol, you’re younger than me (I’m in my late twenties) and you’re married with a kid and getting a house and everything! (i’m still with my parents for $$ and mental health reasons, also I’m american and the housing market is a hot mess anyway) anyway, congrats on all the big life happenings, you’re awesome!

thank you bby <3. and don't feel inadequate!! i definitely don't have my life together lol. i am still living with my parents for the same reasons, although i am preparing to move into a one bedroom apartment with my husband and child. and i definitely relate on the housing market. we got super super lucky with our house, honestly. it used to be a rental, but the landlord is a friend of my grandparents, and felt like they were getting too old to run an apartment and decided to retire and to sell it. my grandparents had been helping us look for a place because we were getting evicted (not our fault, the building was being sold and was bought within a week of being on the market and we had to find a place really quick) so they sold it to us at a discounted price. we definitely werent in a place to buy a home just off the market, believe me. i was working 2.5 hours a day for $16.39 and relied on my parents for almost everything other than Bubba's stuff.

and don't feel bad for living with your parents for mental health reasons! more children are living with their parents longer to save money and convenience! i could have totally gotten another job and got an apartment, but my job and living at home allowed me to do school, parent my daughter, and walk to work, which saved on bills a ton (no gas money, no babysitter/daycare, no rent, ty mom and dad <3) as my only bills were my phone and groceries which i easily paid for with my budget of around $700 a month.

i'm not sure where you live, but i know where i live, there are resources and funding for those in need. when bubba and i were living on our own without andrew, we struggled. i had such bad money anxiety, and switched to cloth diapers because i couldn't afford $30 for diapers every month when i was paying rent, utilities, wifi, life insurance, food, etc. while being in school, parenting, and struggling mentally (depression, anxiety, undiagnosed adhd, and age regressing when i didn't know what it was was not a good mix) and i could have absolutely benefitted from living with my parents, something my parents offered multiple times. they always offered me rent help, to drop off groceries, to babysit, to let me move back in and said theyd pay for me to break my lease. and i didn't accept it because of an off hand comment my dad made when i was 17 and got mad at my brother for throwing my makeup out of my bedroom window and said that he hopes i never got pregnant because he didnt want to be raising my child (he apologized, dont worry) but i definitely let that one offhand comment effect my life, relationships and mental health.

living with your parents isnt something to be ashamed of, and neither is not being married/in a relationship. we're all different, and we all develop at different rates. almost 50% of the people i went to school with are married w children or a baby on the way already, and i am aware that i got lucky with andrew. its not everyday that you can find a man who can do a complete 180 from the man they used to be. a small amount of what i have achieved is just pure luck, but the majority of it has been from help.

my grandparents and great aunt and uncle have been a part of my life since i was born, in more than just a grandparent/aunt/uncle way, and more like parents because i have a deadbeat father. the house my parents have used to be my grandparents house. my babysitter was found because she went to church with my great aunt and uncle, and thats how i ended up committing to being a christian. i was able to get to all my appointments as a young child (i have a lot of medical issues which i can talk about if you're curious) because of my aunt and uncle. my mom and i always had housing when i was younger because of my grandparents and their connections. my college has been pretty much paid for my by parents, grandparents, and step grandparents on my dads side.

i have struggled, but i have also been extremely lucky to have the support systems that i do. not every one is as lucky as i have been, but there is no shame in needing help and support, and there is certainly no shame in living at home with your parents. they're your parents, and their job is to provide for you, support you and love you no matter the situation. that includes financially, and from what i can tell, your parents are very understanding and supportive and that is great.

so please, anon, don't feel ashamed or inadequate because what you need at the moment is different from what i need. as an educator, something i remind myself often is every child is different. here are some quotes that i love and stand by that help explain a little more:

every child has a different learning style and pace. every child is unique, not only capable of learning, but capable of succeeding. - robert john meehan

every child is a different flower, and all together make this world a beautiful garden. - anonymous

and my personal favourite:

each child is like a butterfly in the wind. some can fly higher than others, but each one flies as best it can. why compare one against another? each one is different. each one is special. each one is beautiful. - unknown (to me)

while these quotes relate to children and early childhood, this also relates to adults because we were children at one point.

anon, you are just as adequate. everyones needs are different, but that still means you are a wonderful, hard working person, who is doing whats right for themselves, and thats all that matter. ily anon <3 im always here if you want to talk!

[stortsc-my-complicated-case]

3 years later...

I always have this expectation that I will keep up a blog that I create and then I forget about the blog for some time, cause you know life gets in the way. 

Since Aug 2018 when I created the first and quite frankly the last post for some time. I thought my health journey at that time was on the mend. I felt good, looked great, and thought nothing was going to bring me down. Now 3 years later and I’m fighting for my life. Well... for a life I once had.

Before I get into the details of what life has brought to me over the last three years, lets clear up some things first. 

1. I have multiple chronic/ debilitating disorders. I will not tolerate comments of  “you don’t look sick”, “at least its not cancer “, “ try this remedy” ect. 

2. I’m just writing about my experiences on chronic illnesses and what I deal with on a daily basis. 

3. Have it be known that despite living with multiple chronic disorders.. I still manage to work a full time and part time job. Working 6-7 days a week. It seems that my outlet to not overthink about my health is to work. Quite honestly if i call off from work I usually feel like death. 

Now that i have that cleared up lets start shall we........

So let’s see the last post was on 8/29/2018, that was 4 days after my first grand mal seizure, and was just let go from my medical assistant job in Columbus. They let me go because they didn’t know when or if I would have a seizure while working on the clock. You see I have an epileptic disorder, with mainly only having focal seizures. I can pretty much tell when I’m about to have a seizure and can stop what I’m doing to protect myself and others. I was diagnosed with that form of epilepsy in 12/2015 and had worked with that medical facility since 4/2016. Did that medical facility know I had epilepsy, no; Did they need to know? again that’s a hard NO. Due to HIPPA I did not need to tell them, however I did let a few coworkers know just in case something was to happen. 

Anyway, there was no reason why I had my first grand mal seizure on that warm august day. I was in CPR class that morning. I remember walking into that class, sitting down and I just felt tired all of a sudden. Next thing i knew I was waking up in the back of an ambulance heading to OSU. 

After lots of testing during a 2 night stay in the hospital which included 2 MRI’s, lumbar puncture, 2 CT’s, and speaking with my neurologists the only thing that they could come up with for the grand mal seizure was that i was 2 hours late on medication. Isn’t that just odd, that a 2 hour window could do so much damage. 

That my friends it was seemed to have been the start of a down hill spiral with my health. 

LIFE goes on right, so two weeks later I started my new full time job working as a CMA in a specialty office and then 3 weeks later i accepted a position as a dispatcher for a local sheriff’s department. So for the last 2.5 years I have worked these two amazing jobs. Some days they are my only reason for getting out of bed. 

Here is a quick run down of the last few years of things that have happened and for each event I will create a separate blog post. 

-Nov 7, 2019 abdominal surgery and the multiple hospitalizations that came along with it.

-chronic pain worsening

-early stages of kidney failure and the need to come off diamox and lasix.

-IIH and having emergency brain surgery in the midst of a pandemic.

- brain surgery with vp shunt 11/23/2020

-unable to eat since brain surgery

-VP shunt unable to keep up with the CFS fluid and needing a LP shunt to help

-chronic migraines every day 

And the list could continue....

5 WEEKS TILL SURGERY TO PLACE SECOND SHUNT WITHIN A YEAR.

ASK AS MANY QUESTIONS AS YOU WOULD LIKE. ANOTHER POST COMING SOON.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

What are we willing to cancel people over, anyway?

Beautube continues to be the messy hellscape that it is, but the feud that went down between two major YouTubers just goes to show that nobody is above drama. Still, James Charles has a history of problematic behavior — why did it take until now for the community to cancel him? 

YouTube's beauty community was shaken on Friday when Tati Westbrook dropped a 43-minute video exposing her longtime friend and mentee James Charles. Among other reprehensible behavior, Tati also denounced his habit of allegedly sexually harassing straight men. 

The takedown followed weeks of rumors, screenshots, and snarky reaction videos from other vloggers, so it wasn't new, but it was the catalyst that has other influencers distancing themselves from the teenage makeup guru. 

If you're unfamiliar with the wild world of beauty YouTube, here's a rundown of all the people involved. 

James Charles is a 19-year-old beauty maven who went viral in 2016 for not only wearing makeup in his senior photos, but also being extra enough to bring a ring light to emphasize his highlighter. Later that year, he became the first male spokesperson for CoverGirl. Since then, he's amassed an immense social media following — at its peak, he had 15 million subscribers on YouTube. 

Charles' nearly overnight fame reached a climax usually reserved for traditional celebrities, not influencers, when he was invited to the Met Gala earlier in May. He raised eyebrows when he called the invitation "a step forward in the right direction for influencer representation in the media" in an Instagram post.

But after his rapid ascent to stardom, Charles is now crashing back down. He's been cancelled.

So I retook my senior photos & brought my ring light with me so my highlight would be poppin. I love being extra 💀 pic.twitter.com/7Qu1yu8U2P

— James Charles (@jamescharles) September 5, 2016

SEE ALSO: Men's makeup brands are discreet — and all over Instagram

Tati Westbrook is a 37-year-old makeup YouTuber who also owns Halo Beauty, a supplement company that sells gummy vitamins for strengthening hair and nails. Her direct competitor is Sugar Bear Hair, a similar company whose products have been endorsed by a variety of influencers, including the Kardashian-Jenner clan. 

Tati has been "like a mother" to James, according to James himself. She took the budding star under her wing when his career was just kicking off — and he even did her wedding makeup. 

Keeping up? Good, because this is where it gets messy. 

On April 22, James posted an endorsement for Sugar Bear Hair on his Instagram story after the company supposedly helped him with a security issue during Coachella. Without naming names, Tati said she felt "lost" and "betrayed" on her Instagram story. 

"When you do so much for people in your life and they not only don't return the favor, but they just don't even see you," Tati said in her tearful video. "I feel really used." 

James publicly apologized in similarly teary Instagram story the next day, and told his followers that he "did not think about the competition."

"She has been like a mother to me since my first days in this industry," he said in his public apology, adding that he didn't accept any money for the post and that he uses Tati's vitamin brand daily. "And has given me more love, support, resources, and advice than I could ever ask for."

Fellow makeup YouTuber Gabriel Zamora — who you might remember from the YouTube apology fiasco in summer 2018 known as Dramageddon — weighed in on the situation. In a video posted on May 4, he chided Tati for her immature reaction. 

"All these videos are being made where James is being made out to be this horrible human being and I'm just confused as to what happened," Gabriel said.

In response, Tati posted a video on Friday titled "BYE SISTER," a play on James' signature vlog intro, "Hi sisters!" The lengthy video dives into why Tati felt unappreciated by James, from his hesitation to promote her brand to his reluctance to collaborate with her. She publicly severed ties with him, concluding that it was "painful to lose someone you care about, that you thought would be in your life forever, but the chapter's closed."

Since dropping the video, Tati has been rapidly gaining followers as James loses them. Twitter users and other influencers paid attention.

drama aside, i have something to say.... ❤️https://t.co/Hn20TgNSzM❤️ pic.twitter.com/vRPFCTJIEJ

— Shane Dawson (@shanedawson) May 12, 2019

Image: Twitter Screenshot/Jefree Star

As of Monday morning, James has lost more than 2.5 million subscribers in three days, according to SocialBlade. Tati, meanwhile, gained more than 2.9 million since posting the video. To put that into perspective, as vlogger Callum Markie noted, Logan Paul gained 80,000 subscribers after filming a victim of suicide in Japan. 

But the backlash isn't just over snubbing a friend — it's over a much more concerning issue. Although the majority of the video was about her personal relationship with James, it also shed light on his toxic habit of allegedly sexually harassing straight men. 

"Oh my god, you tried to trick a straight man into thinking he's gay yet again," Tati ranted in her video, recalling a phone conversation she recently had with James. "And somehow, you're the victim." 

She continued:

Tati was alluding to just one of many instances where James toyed with straight men. The receipts channel Spill laid out several examples, including his questionable relationship with model Gage Gomez. In April, Gomez posted a video calling James out for continuing to pursue him despite repeatedly turning him down. 

"[He] pushed his emotions onto me to guilt me into trying something that I didn't want to do," the model said. 

James has also publicly hit on Shawn Mendes, leaving suggestive comments on the singer's Instagram live videos and tweets. 

He later apologized in a tweet, and said he was "sorry if he [Shawn] felt sexually harassed."

After Tati's video, others came forward. Someone who claimed to be a former classmate tweeted that James allegedly sexually assaulted her friend. Singer Zara Larsson also tweeted that James repeatedly hit on her boyfriend, despite knowing that he's straight. And in a supercut of James' vlogs, a Twitter user showed the numerous times the beauty guru admitted he enjoyed pursuing heterosexual men because "it's easier than you think."

It's about time James Charles stopped getting a pass for his repeatedly toxic behavior. But why did it take a video from Tati for the internet to finally cancel him? Twitter user @Quantum_King_ questioned why Tati protected James for years, despite public knowledge that he harassed men both in person and on social media. 

Did Tati Westbrook expose a predator or did she harbour a predator until she felt under appreciated by him?

— Brokeryn Martell 🇱🇨🇯🇲 (@Quantum_King_) May 11, 2019

If James Charles would’ve promoted tati’s vitamins, do y’all think she still would’ve made that video exposing him for being trash? Let’s discuss

— femme fatale (@eliesaaab) May 12, 2019

And others pointed out how hypocritical it was for Jeffree Star, another member of the YouTube beauty community, to speak out against James despite his own problematic past. (Star has since deleted his tweet, but there is a screenshot included above.)

seeing my mutuals dragging james charles while simultaneously supporting jeffree star and it’s interesting pic.twitter.com/TJHlxo2tkv

— 𝖙 𝖉𝖆𝖜𝖌 (@tamiamakay) May 12, 2019

Is James Charles being canceled because of his actions, or because the internet loves drama? It's been nearly a year since Dramageddon tore Beautube apart, exposing multiple YouTubers for their racist tweets. 

Somehow, James' own racist remarks weren't pulled into the whirlwind of cancellation. When he made a transphobic comment earlier in 2019 about how he wasn't "full gay" because he had been attracted to trans men, he received some backlash but got away relatively unscathed. Why is it Tati's video that's tanking his career? 

Maybe it's because the internet is willing to give a pass to its faves, until it's time to grab some popcorn and watch a feud go down. It's good that the internet is finally done with James — the face of the beauty community absolutely should not be a predator. But nobody paid attention or sought to hold him accountable until there was a friendship break up involved. 

The influencers at the center of Dramageddon have more or less recovered from 2018's Beautube culling. Gabriel Zamora continues to make videos. Nikita Dragun was just profiled in Forbes. Manny MUA is still releasing products from his makeup line, Lunar Beauty. Even Laura Lee, whose iconically terrible apology video fueled Twitter memes for weeks, seems fine according to Instagram. 

Will James Charles' cancellation last, or will the internet accept him into the fold again like it did with Jeffree Star? Despite his many controversies, Star is a multimillionaire thriving on top of a massive beauty empire.  

"A lot of most of my career over the last two years has been about me making mistakes and trying to learn and grow from them," James stated in his apology video posted Friday. "And I haven't always done the best job of that. I can admit that, but I have always tried ... I wish I could say this is the last time that I make a mistake, but it won't be." 

And as his beauty vlogger predecessors have proven, he's at least right about that. Will he stay canceled? Hopefully. Will more makeup-centered drama go down in the near future and take down more racist, transphobic predators? God, we hope so. 

WATCH: 'Avengers: Endgame' is the most tweeted-about movie ever

[queenoftheblackpuddlexoxo]

Benefits of Group Therapy (Ch2)

FINALLY I have this damn thing done. Is it the greatest? No, BUT I actually finished it, which I am so proud of. Anywhoozle-doozle, here’s the second chapter of “The Benefits of Group Therapy”.

The rest of the session went about as well as expected. Which is to say, it did not go well at all. I remained still and silent until I was spoken to, just listening to the things that everyone else was saying while I waited for it to be over. On the rare occasions I was prompted into speaking, I stuttered and choked, apologizing after every other sentence, and though the group was nice about it, I could tell they were uncomfortable. Finally, when it was over, I waited for everyone else to leave before I even moved; I was sure meeting them out from under the watchful eye of Dr. Creeke would make them react even worse to me. "So...what do you think?" What did I think? What did I think?! I wanted to scream at him, "I think you're nuts for putting me in here! Everyone else here but me, the entirety of this group, are supervillains, wanted criminals! And you think I'd "fit in"?!" But I didn't say that. I could never have enough backbone to yell at someone, especially not an authority figure. Instead, I just settled for, "I don't think they really liked me." He only offered a sympathetic smile. "I know this is probably very strange for you, but please. Trust me when I say, I really do think you'll fit in here. You just need a chance to come out of your shell a little." Like the idiot I was (and to some extent, still am), I nodded dumbly and left after an awkward farewell, and began walking numbly towards my mother's car. This wasn't good, not at all. I really wanted to give this group a chance, but this...it was just too bizarre, even for me, and that is saying something. Worst of all, I couldn't even back out; the next month and a half of sessions had already been paid for in advance (thanks to the amazing insurance my mom's new job had), so I would be stuck in there, with those people, at least six more times. I was deeply and royally screwed. It's okay, I told myself, I can handle this. They're just people, right? And people can be reasoned with. You can figure this out, Just...just chill! Spoiler alert: I did not chill. By next Tuesday, I felt even more nervous than I had the last time, maybe even moreso now that I knew who was going to be there. I spent most of that day trying to figure out how I was going to survive, or to get out of it, and so far all I had come up with were two solutions, one of which was faking my own death, which I already knew would go over poorly with my family. The entire night, I was so shaken I couldn't sleep until exhaustion forced its hand. Even then, I received no peace; my dreams were plagued with sinister laughter, creeping shadows, and the impending dread of dawn. On the actual day of the second group session, I was fatigued and sleep-deprived to the point that I could no longer feel fear, or for that matter, much of anything. My anxiety had ebbed itself out into an almost zen-like acceptance of imminent disaster, akin to what a sailor in a disaster movie feels when he sees a wave the size of a building about to pulverize him. Shuffling numbly into the building, all I could think about was going home and getting a nap, and when I plopped my butt down into a waiting room chair, it barely registered that someone was sitting next to me. At least, until he spoke. "Oh hey, it's you! New Girl!" I turned my head to see Chuck, sitting there as casual as you please, waiting for the session to begin while he leafed through one of the waiting room magazines. I waved, smiling, or at least trying to; I may have been tired and terrified, but I wasn't rude. "Hey, uh...Chuck, right?" I was terrible with names, but I guess I got this one right, because he nodded. "I'm Kaylee, by the way...but you can call me new girl if you want to!" I added the last bit in, hopefully not offending him by being so insistent about the name. "How's it going?" "Oh, it's been good, it's been good." He nodded his head, fidgeting a little bit. It seemed like I wasn't the only one who didn't like smalltalk. "So...Kaylee...that's a weird name. I mean, I've never heard it before, really." "Really? I'm surprised, it's starting to get like...super popular." I shrugged. "Yeah, I was named after my mom's friend's daughters, Kylie and Taylor. And I think...a song? Maybe, I don't remember." This conversation was dead on arrival, and we still had ten minutes to go before we started. I had to think of something to say before we were both condemned to the hell of an awkward silence. "I...like your goggles." Chuck's face lit up. "Oh, thank you! They're prescription. My optician, Dr. Erindale, had to special order them for me, but it was definitely worth it! They make things so much easier." I nodded, and found that I was smiling right back at him. Sure, the conversation may have been a bit weird, but I had to admit that Chuck's energy was infectious. "Cool! I'll have to keep Dr. Erindale in mind; I've been looking for a new optician myself." I wiggled my glasses for emphasis. "Heh, yeah..." He trailed off, head cocking slightly in confusion. I noticed where his eyes had landed before he even asked the question. "I been meaning to ask you, what's that thing attached to your stomach? I-Is it one of those new blood plasma-powered cell phones? I read about them in Discover Magazine." I laughed. That was a new one, and I'd have to give him points for originality, but no. "No, no, nothing like that. It's my insulin pump!" "Insu-what now?" "My insulin pump." I removed it from my belt to show him more clearly. "I said last week I was diabetic, right? That means my body doesn't make its own insulin, which really sucks because it's an important thing. Basically it regulates the level of sugar in your blood, and since my body doesn't make its own, I have to give it manually. This makes it a lot easier than giving shots, and it even does the math for me!" Chuck shuddered at the mention of shots, and I don't blame him. "Wow! So, how's it work?" "Here, lemme show you." I went about pressing buttons and bringing up menus for the next several minutes, my vigor renewed. As tired and as awkward as I had been before, I was in my element now, being able to talk and show off a topic I understood and enjoyed. And pretty soon, the two of us were gabbing at each other, legs swinging against the chairs like two excited schoolchildren showing off their playground injuries. We were still chatting away when the other group members shuffled in. "Oooh, look~!" Someone sing-songed. "Chucky-boy's sweet on the new girl!" "Hey! I am not!" His arms crossed, face darkening into a scowl. Maybe it was because I was tired and not thinking, or maybe it was because I had a shred of confidence from being able to have a normal conversation, but I fired back, "Yeah, and it’s because I’m prettier than you.” There was a collective "Oooooooh!" from the group. 2.5 seconds after I realized what I had done, I clapped my hand over my mouth and squealed, finally looking up to see that it was the Two-Brain guy I had insulted, and that he looked mad. Butcher nudged the person next to him. "Heh. I'm startin' to like this girl. She's spunky." "I-I am so, so sorry! I didn't mean to, I just said it, I didn't mean to be so mean! I am so so so sorry!" The rest of them had fallen silent, hanging back while my apologies were mumbled. I was tripping over my words again, shrinking into the chair as he began to move closer and closer to me, my eyes squeezing shut until...

”Ow!” He flicked me on the forehead. The enraged expression he had worn seconds before melted into peals of laughter, at the joke or my discomfort, I couldn't tell. "That was a good one, kid! Keep it up, you might actually make some friends around here." Dr. Creeke waved us into his office, and like ducks in a row we all filed in, ready to begin our session. And that was that. That one, stupid clapback was the beginning of me becoming friends, even a confidant, of my new city's most dangerous supervillains. At least it wasn't a knock-knock joke.

[robbiejpennebaker1954-blog]

Navigating The Preschool Admissions Process: Getting In And $1,000 Application Fees

When my wife was pregnant in late 2016, a friend told me, “You need to apply to preschool within the first three months after he's born.“

He had one kid in private elementary school and two kids in private middle school. He is also a centimillionaire. 

“Absurd!” I responded.

“Hey, it's up to you buddy. Getting into preschool in San Francisco is harder than getting into Princeton. Don't let your lack of preparedness hurt your son's chances for a bright future.“

Damn it. Guilt sets in.

“Well since you put it that way. I guess I'll get on it. Want to give us a recommendation when he goes in 2019 or 2020?“

“Of course I will,” my friend replied as we resumed our tennis match.

This post is an introduction into how daunting it is for families living in big cities to get their kids into preschool. It should also give some sense as to why there's so much anxiety among parents and children early on.

As someone who has questioned the necessity of paying for private grade school tuition, yet who also wants the best for his son, this post serves as a type of mental penance for going through this process. I've spent the last seven years trying to escape the grind, but somehow, I'm always getting pulled back in. 

I also hope this post brings joy to families who live in lower cost areas of the country who don't have to worry about hyper competition due to a lack of supply. Living in a big city has its perks, but helping your child get a quality education is not one of them. It's only until kindergarten where all families are eligible for a free public education.

The Beginning Of The Preschool Grind

When it comes to getting your child into a top preschool in a big city, it's all about who you know, rather than your child's abilities. After all, your little one isn't going to cure malaria at two or three years old.

The demand is so high simply because there aren't enough schools. I heard through a board member at one preschool that 100 kids applied for the four spots available to non-sibling children. Siblings get automatic acceptance.

Since our boy is our first child, we have to blaze our own trail, Financial Samurai style, in order for him to get in anywhere. But we enjoy the challenge, partly because we like the excitement that uncertainty brings.

Given the average acceptance rate for the top-rated preschools is around 5%, the logical conclusion is to apply to 20 in order to get into one.

We didn't go that far, but we did apply to eight preschools in San Francisco and one preschool in Honolulu. Three of the applications are for 2019 when he's first eligible to attend at 2.5 years old. The remaining five applications are for 2020, when most preschools allow children to enroll.

Each application fee cost us between $80 – $150, or $1,000 total.

Since all preschools cost more or less the same in tuition (~$1,500 – $2,600 a month depending on how many days a week), we figured we might as well apply to the top-rated ones. Surely you would do the same.

If our son gets rejected by all nine, then we will home school him since we have maximum flexibility. That doesn't sound like a bad idea at all actually.

Why Our Chance Of Getting In Is Slim

I don't remember the last time I felt like an idiot. Actually, maybe it was last summer when I didn't sell my House Sale Fund portfolio when it was up 13%. Yeah, that was dumb to not take profits when it surpassed my 10% blue sky target.

But with this preschool stuff, I feel lost because I realize the odds are extremely stacked against my family and there's really not much I can do to improve these odds. And to spend $1,000 on preschool applications alone leaves me with a funny feeling – like I'm a sucker.

Here are some of the reasons why I believe we've got little chance of getting our boy into a top-rated preschool. These reasons should help you appreciate what you have and question the choice of living an unconventional lifestyle.

1) We have a small network. As two stay at home parents who've been away from the traditional workforce for years, my wife and I don't have a large network of parents who have kids at XYZ preschool who can vouch for us. As a result, we are at a large disadvantage simply because not enough of the community knows who we are.

One can easily imagine a colleague or a manager on the board of a preschool who provides a fellow colleague an in. Many large corporations have tie-ups with preschools as a benefit to their employees. That's just the way the world works. We take care of people who we know and like. Being away from networking activities for seven years is likely going to hurt us.

2) We have low-level jobs. On our application, I say I'm an assistant high school tennis coach (not even the head coach) and a stay at home dad. My wife says says she's a freelance writer and a stay at home mom. We don't ever say we run Financial Samurai due to our desire for privacy.

I think being a stay at home parent is an extremely important job, but we can't compete with parents who are executives at a hot startup or partners in venture capital, private equity, or investment banking. I swear all the parents who attended the open houses we went to worked in these fields.

Society does not appreciate creatives as much as they appreciate high powered money making occupations. If society did, it wouldn't push our artists, writers, poets, and teachers out of the city. 

From the school's perspective, they want parents who can be ambassadors of the school in their large networks and also be financial backers down the road. If you work in private equity, you will naturally have lots of rich friends who will have children and donate big bucks down the road.

If you're an assistant high school tennis coach who makes $1,200 a month like I do, your circle of friends probably isn't going to be as desirable to the school.

And yes, I spent one month's of coaching salary on preschool application fees.

3) We lead unconventional lifestyles with no recognition. It's funny. I dislike fame. But you better believe that if I was famous in a good way, my son would have a huge leg up getting into schools. Do you really think any college would reject Malia Obama even if she had terrible grades and test scores? Of course not. Alas, we are nobodies.

The only thing we do is help people achieve financial freedom sooner in order to live their best lives possible. Helping people achieve financial security is nice, especially since we do so for free, but a school would rather have parents working conventional jobs at well-known companies. It's part of the cachet, even if the employer is known to feature fake news and manipulate your private data.

The only reason I'd ever give up my privacy or lead a more conventional lifestyle is if I could help my son. And I'm not sure preschool is worth the price.

We really cherish being able to spend as much time as possible with our son as stay at home parents. But we recognize we will be viewed as misfits given less than 1% of households have two stay at home parents.

4) We do not come from a wealthy legacy family. I know many people in San Francisco who live in multi-million dollar mansions, but who have occupations that cannot afford such luxurious lifestyles. What's going on is that multi-generational family money has allowed them to live a life of leisure.

For example, one family founded a newspaper and sold it for $660 million in the mid-1990s. Surely the $660 million has grown to over $1 billion today. By setting up multi-million dollar endowments at several schools (preschool, middle school, high school, college), their heirs get guaranteed entrance to these schools forever. Are the heirs bad people? Of course not. They're just like everybody else, except with tremendous advantages.

We know that kids of legacy donors have a 70%+ acceptance rate at Harvard versus

5) We are not part of the majority. Schools without racial bias would generally reflect the overall racial makeup of the city e.g. a preschool should have a similar demographic makeup as San Francisco: 48% White, 33% Asian, 6% Black, 0.4% Pacific Islander, 0.5% Native American, 6.6% Other, and 4.7% Bi-racial or Multi-racial.

Unfortunately, based on the data we've read and what we've observed after visiting several preschools, about 75% of the student population is White versus 48% for the entire San Francisco population. A ~27% difference is statistically significant, which means something is up. 

Perhaps the huge discrepancy is because of legacy and family connections, which has carried on for generations. After all, these preschools are private, and it's natural to take care of their own.

Although I belong to a private tennis club where the racial demographic is quite skewed like at many private preschools, I'm not sure we want our son growing up in such a homogenous environment. As a kid growing up overseas attending international schools, I found it wonderful to be immersed in so many different cultures.

When I entered the real world, it was much easier to assimilate and grow. 

See: How The Rich Get Richer: Competing In A Rigged Game

Just Got To Keep Trying

Whatever you do, know the odds are stacked against you. You can either give up, or you can keep on going. I've always chosen the latter. As a parent now, I've got no other choice but to stay on the ball.

Of course I will always have fear of rejection. I fear the continuous rejection I've experienced will continue on with my son. And unless we move to Asia or Honolulu, it stings knowing that my son will one day be discriminated against and rejected like his old man was growing up.

But on the bright side, the difficulties I went through growing up helped make me who I am today. And frankly, I feel pretty darn good about my situation. It's healthy to sometimes get told you're not good enough so you develop a chip on your shoulder to prove your detractors wrong.

A part of me hopes we get rejected by the early start preschools we applied to for 2019 so that we can go on a great adventure and travel the world again.

How amazing would it be to relocate to Honolulu this summer and enjoy the islands until the fall of 2020 when he's eligible for a larger number of preschools at 3.5 years old? There's always a bright side in everything. 

If you're a parent in a big city applying to a top preschool, let me leave you with some following thoughts:

* Get on the ball and apply early since you will eventually have to apply. Make sure you meet every deadline and send follow up letters to show your continued interest. Schools want to hear about the progress of your little one. The latest you can usually apply is the fall before your kid is planning on attending.

* It's worth building relationships with parents who have kids attending your target preschools or board members of your target preschools. Worst case, you'll make some friends or know you don't want to be part of their community.

* Attend all recommended “get to know you and the school” events. These include lunches, dinners, fundraisers, etc.

* Create a picture collage and tell your story. Don't just upload one picture in the application, make a collage of pictures that show progression over time. Preschools want to have a good community of parents they can rely on to be good ambassadors and available volunteers.

* Attending an “elite preschool” might worsen your chances of getting into a good grade school program. Therefore, look to diversify. It's not the end all be all if you don't get into the top-rated preschool.

* So long as the preschool has a good reputation, has a good teacher:student ratio, and has involved parents, it should be good enough. Don't underestimate the value of proximity either.

* Consider parent co-op preschools, public preschool if you qualify, or for-profit education systems like Gymboree that accept everyone.

Apologies if this post has raised the anxiety level of some parents who might not have thought about the preschool application process in such detail. I just like to write out my thoughts because I'm thorough.

At the end of the day, we're only applying to preschool, so don't sweat it! I just thought it'd be fun to chronicle this journey.

The most important things we can provide our children are love, time, and attention. Besides, the internet has democratized learning and opportunity.

Here's to the excitement of the great unknown!

Related:

How To Stop Worrying About Your Child's Future In This Brutally Competitive World

Why Households Need To Earn $300,000 A Year To Live In A Middle Class Lifestyle Today

Is Private Grade School K-8 Worth It?

What If You Go To Harvard And End Up A Nobody?

Readers, have any of you gone through a similarly rigorous process of applying to preschool for your children because there was too much demand and not enough schools? Do you think schools should refund the application fee, or at least part of it, if your kid is not accepted? Why don't preschools want more racial and socioeconomic diversity? Do you think highlighting Financial Samurai would be helpful since we don't have full-time jobs?

The post Navigating The Preschool Admissions Process: Getting In And $1,000 Application Fees appeared first on Financial Samurai.

[windofderange]

Definitely disgruntled.

Okay, obviously I don’t use the blog to post about my actual life very often because … well, I don’t have a reason, except that it’s much easier to repost gifs on my phone than to actually write stuff.  But stuff is actually happening in my life, and it’s starting to drive me crazy.

So to start with, my center still doesn’t know if we’re being refunded.  We’ve been told we’ll be refunded for 2.5 years at 50% our current budget, but that’s dependent on the federal budget that gets approved on Friday.  In March, after months of being told that no matter what happened, they were going to find a way to keep me (my position is half-grant-funded), I was told that I should start looking at other positions so that I “knew my options.”

Sarah and I have been talking about moving out of Boston for a while, and actually I had already applied for a few jobs since Christmas - Boston is super expensive, I’m losing half my paycheque to rent, and my family and lot of our friends are out west.  Random’s family owns land in Colorado and Sarah already spends time there most years, so we’ve been talking about moving to Denver or Boulder.  So when the school told me that I might lose my position, I put in a bunch of applications, and even had a couple of interviews earlier this month, which I think went well.  I won’t hear back about anything until mid-May at the earliest, but I’m obviously hoping I get an offer.

In the meantime, however, I can’t decide if my work environment has actually gotten worse or if I just have a serious case of senioritis (or both).  What I do know is that I’m considerably more annoyed at work than I have been previously, and that it’s starting to bleed into my interactions, in particular with my boss, the center director.

I’m at least fairly sure that it’s partly that my job has gotten worse.  Without funding or a new grant, a lot of my job doesn’t exist right now, and the director has been filling that void with a lot of tedious work for him.  It’s not nearly as bad as the director at Northeastern who basically wanted me to be his secretary (I’m not, for example, typing handwritten responses to emails or answering his phone for him), but he does have the tendency to hand off anything he doesn’t want to think about, including but not limited to filling in forms, booking travel, and emailing people for more information.  The latter is by far the most frustrating, as there have been several times when he’s given me really misleading or straight out wrong information, and I’ve ended up spending hours chasing down entirely the wrong rabbithole.  For some reason, he’s also incredibly bad at understanding budgets (like, has asked me “what is this amount” on a spreadsheet that clearly read “something - $x,” so I’ve had to answer “well, it’s this and it costs this amount, that’s why that word is next to it”).  As budgeting is kind of all we’re doing right now, this means we’ve had lots of long, very frustrating conversations where I’ve had to explain the same things that I consider super obvious over and over again, and while, as anyone who knows me can attest, I do accept that patience is a virtue, it is not a virtue I possess.

Everyone is also obviously super on edge because of the funding situation, and I admit, the lamentations of the faculty about losing funding are getting on my nerves because none of their positions are at risk.  But in the last few weeks, the school has reversed its position again and decided that they’ll provide funding to keep me on, so I guess technically now mine isn’t either?  Except I didn’t know that for weeks on end, even up to the day I was originally going to be terminated, so it’s hard not to be at least a little pissy about how they’ve handled the whole thing.

But I’m pretty sure I also just have senioritis, and I really don’t like how it’s affecting my interactions with the director.  I think it’s also that I’ve gotten over-peopled - I’m not exactly an extrovert, and I can count on one hand the number of people I actually can be around all of the time without eventually wanting to murder them.  The director is not among them, but he’s a nice guy and a … well, a decent boss, and I don’t want to keep acting like I loath him even though at the moment, I kind of do.

But I have no idea how to stop it, either.  One solution would be to take some time off, but I’m also trying to save up my vacation days, both in case I need to go back out to Denver for more interviews/to look at apartments and so that I’ll get as much pay as possible if/when I finally do leave to cover moving costs and setting up a new apartment.  I don’t seem to be able to be in the office without feeling stressed out and pissy.  There’s no way for both of us to be here and not feel like he’s in my space - I work in a cubicle outside of his office, so he’s constantly coming in and out and interrupting me with questions, and there’s no way for me to signal “not now” or to close myself off (like by closing my door if I had an office).  I do get to work from home once a week (actually, according to the department, I’m not supposed to, but he says it’s fine, which is slightly stressful, as well), but that and weekends don’t seem to be enough of a break for me to recover.

Ugh.  The whole thing is just ugh.  It also makes me worry that this is a repeating problem.  I was super fed-up with my coworkers at my last job, as well, but I chalked that up to most of them being total assholes (and the one relatively nice one being a huge racist), but maybe it’s me?  Maybe I just can’t work with people day in and day out without eventually hating them, and I will never be able to stay at the same job for more than two years.  Ugh.

Hopefully I’ll just get a new job, and I can worry about it in two years, but if anyone has any other suggestions of what I can do to hate everyone less, I’d appreciate it.

[shirmadness]

road trip

so we booked the flight to vegas. its a one-way ticket since one of us wants to do 2.5 weeks and one of us barely has the money for 2 weeks. so our flight back is TBD. for weeks, we’ve been hovering around the decision, and last weekend we just did it. we leave 2 months from tomorrow. !!!! I have so much excitement in this. we put so much time into planning, and there is still so much to figure out. I am seeing places I’ve dreamed of seeing my whole life. I’ve been working 30 hours/week and picking up extra shifts to save enough for this. with all the excitement, though, comes an onslaught of fears that are eating away at me. 

first, I have to tell my parents. my parents, who are totally disapproving of us. I want to make sure I have everything- physically, mentally- to be able be disowned by them. honestly, my relationship with my parents is something I really should deal with in therapy because I spend so much time pretending its not a huge mess. I run through the conversation in my head over and over again, trying different things, trying to guess their reaction, trying to imagine the worst and best possible outcome. i’m resentful that I even have to worry about this. people with normal family relationships take this kind of thing for granted, but I just want to be able to have a public relationship. 

family stuff aside, I have fears about the trip itself: What if our car breaks down on a deserted highway with no service? what if we get murdered? what will it be like sleeping in a car/tent every night for 14(+) days? What if we get sick of each other? What if I need my alone time? What if he becomes too free-spirited and I panic and act crazy? what if I am so stressed out about the road trip that I cant be present? What if we don’t get to our final stop in time and miss our flight home? what if I run out of money? 

these are just a few of the fears I have. he and I can answer each and every one to make myself feel better, but this is such a unpredictable trip we are doing. I want it to be perfect. It feels like everything else in my life is falling into place and this has been sort of a reward to myself. I’ve worked my ass off the last 3 years and just accepted a job offer for something I am so excited about. I will be making good money, I will move downtown with my close friend, and will be doing the kind of work I have wanted to do. I really want this trip to be a chance for me to just drive from beautiful place to place with the person I love the most, and just be present and free. when I think about it that way, it allows all those questions and fears to evaporate. my goal in the next 2 months is to really try and get myself in the right place for this trip so that it can be everything ive wanted.

[2tsrwzsba-blog]

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Car insurance question? help!?

Car insurance question? help!?

I am going to get my dad to be the main driver and me to be the named driver because it makes my first insurance 300.00 =] Which is cheap for an 18 year old! lol But an insurance company phoned up today and said if i did this i would not be able to drive the car, if i did i would be uninsured? That sounds wrong, i was thinking maybe he thought i hadn t passed my test? So would i be able to drive by myself with a full UK licence as a named driver on the car i own? Thanks

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurecheap.us

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