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liveyun · 2 months ago

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EYES LIKE STARS | 1

banner by the amazing @itaeewon 🌧️

summary. “He was everything you were not. He was perfect—too perfect. Always kind, always excelling, always loved by everyone, even your own parents, like a reminder of everything you weren’t. And you hated this. You hated him. You hated the way he always included you, the way he tried to help, as if you ever needed his pity. He was always there, almost like a shadow you could never escape.

Returning to the town that holds both your earliest memories and silent secrets, you’re forced to confront not only the unsolved knots you’d left behind all those years ago, but the boy who was always at the center of your pain. Whose eyes have always seen right through you : Jungkook.”

title. Eyes like Stars

pairing. Jeon Jungkook x afab reader/oc

status. ongoing

rating. M (18+)

genre. e2f2e2L (you get it), angst, drama, romance, boy next door sorta situation, emotional baggage, slow burn, eventual smut

wc. 9.5k +

warnings. (for this chapter) coarse language, OC being in denial and this is just the beginning LOL , parental negligence / toxic parenting , flashbacks, slight mention injuries (knee scraping) and crying , panic attack :( , oc is kinda.. eh, SOMEONE is introduced 😵‍💫, this is it for the first part, lmk if i missed any other warnings, “english isnt my first language” so can contain grammatical errors, not proof read + the last part omfg

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Some doors, no matter how tightly shut, always find a way to open.

The sun was up after the drizzle, which bathed the town in a subtle golden haze, the kind that made everything feel a little too warm, a little too nostalgic. You walked slowly, almost as if your feet were dragging against the weight of the years you’d left behind. A part of you did not really want to be here, but a greater part of you knew you cannot continue to run away from everything like you always have.

Such a coward.

Your home stood at the end of a narrow lane, tucked away like a secret that had been kept for far too long, to the point you felt like it maybe didn’t exist anymore. The house looked the same, yet different, almost as if it had aged in your absence - funny, because although it looked pretty worn out, nothing really felt off. Or did it? The paint was chipped, the garden overgrown, the lawn and grass both destroyed.

But it was still the place you’d once called home—a place that had witnessed more arguments than apologies, more silence than understanding. You pause, staring at the old, browned door as if it’s a portal to another world— always has been— to a world where you were always second best, always compared, always found wanting, longing, no— yearning for the bare minimum. Your own once called home which always felt like a far distant place for you.

It still does.

The windows stare back at you, blank and lifeless, just like the eyes that used to watch you so closely, judging every move, every breath. You don’t want to go inside, but you know you have to. You cannot keep on running away anymore. You are tired, but you dont exactly know if doing something which has your gut churning with disdain can be exactly considered as rest or relaxation.

You notice that the shabby WELCOME door mat which was once a home for mites is no longer at the front door anymore.

As you drew closer, your eyes involuntarily flickered to the house next door. The garden was well-tended, prettiest of the flowers scattered in the greenery in full bloom, just like how you’d remembered.

As always.

The house stood as if nothing had changed there— as if time had preserved that house and all its memories in a neat little bubble. Always so full of life, always so welcoming. You bite down the bitterness which floats up your chest at the thought. Push down the small voice in the back of your head which insists that you will never be welcomed the way a static house makes you feel.

A part of you, the part you’d tried to bury, kick away— wondered if he still lived there. If his parents still looked out from the same windows, waiting for their golden boy to come home.

Who cares.

You quickly turned your gaze away, focusing on the worn steps leading up to her own front door. Your hand trembles as you reach for the doorknob, the cold metal biting into your skin. You’d previously informed your mum through a text message that you will be visiting them, which you didn’t bother or have the energy to check if she’d actually seen.

Your hand on the knob stills, and you purse your lips in thought. You’d decided it’d be a bit courteous to knock instead of just barging in — perhaps some basic decency to spare — although if it was your own home — as if it ever was. You raise your fists to knock— and the door creaked open before you could really.

There she stood.

The same face that had greeted you with tired smiles and even more tired expectations, back in the days when her face was devoid of wrinkles, and full of youthful beauty. The same person who’d cradled you on her bosom and cherished you; the same person who at least tried to make an effort to mend some broken ties, although when she was very well aware it was way too late.

“You’re back,” your mother said, her voice heavy with something that wasn’t quite disappointment but wasn’t quite relief either. She sounded tired— and your mind partially thought if it was because of you. You really felt overwhelmed by emotions, you really did.

You felt the back of your eyes burn with tears — that familiar feeling which you’d remembered was a staple one when you used to live here back in your teenage days. You wanted to engulf her in a hug and just cry, hoping that you could just, for once, forget about whatever had ever happened, and truly be a child once again.

“I’m back,” you reply, deciding to push aside any fleeting emotions which dared to threaten you. You stepped inside as soon as your mom moved aside and let the familiar scent of home—of old furniture — of broken communication — of forgotten dreams —wash over you.

— — —

Inside, the house was just as you’d remembered it. The wallpaper was still peeling in the corners, the furniture still arranged the way it had been since you were a child. It smelled like old wood, dust, the old sandalwood diffuser — and something bitter that lingered in the air, like the remnants of a fight that never really ended.

The walls seem closer than you remember, the space smaller, suffocating. Everything is the same, yet different, distorted by the journey of time and the weight of all that’s been left unsaid. Was any of the furniture ever even moved ever since you’d left? You’re in doubt.

However, the air was thick with unspoken tension, a tension that had always existed— but was now more prominent, more suffocating. You could feel the weight of your mother’s gaze on you, as if she were waiting for her to say something, anything, to break the silence that had settled between them like thick snow.

Although it’s been so long, surprisingly, you didnt really have anything to break the ice with.

Or even if you did, you didn’t want to.

You move through the house on autopilot, your feet carrying you to the living room where you remember the echoes of your parents’ voices being the loudest. You felt disgruntled — upset, at how memories of your parents fighting are the only prominent thing you can remember vividly inside this house. You wanted to laugh ; you can almost see them standing there, locked in yet another battle of wills, their words sharp and cutting, slicing through the air like knives, and you— you ?

Perhaps standing in some corner with your favorite old teddy bear, covering your ears the best you could, trembling with sobs, wondering if this would ever stop. Their words, though, are like a very vague memory to you. Almost as if someone is tingling a metal glass in the back of your head, far away, and the echoes which reach you are the only thing audible.

They were always fighting, always tearing each other apart, and you were always caught in the crossfire, collateral damage in a war that wasn’t even yours to fight.

But it was you who paid the price, every single time.

You hear footsteps, and your throat goes dry. The realization that you recognize the footsteps is beyond disturbing to you, as the fact that you even know who the owner of the footsteps is.

From recognising footsteps to vehicle horns, you grew up, and this would never not be able to turn on a switch in the back of your head. You knew the footsteps, their urgency, or even their tone, may you be called crazy. And you perhaps are delusional to think that maybe these steps are rather relaxed and slow. . .

perks of growing in a strict family, you guess.

Your father emerged from the kitchen, his steps slow and deliberate. His eyes, now very much lacking of the light they used to radiate, widen ever so slightly, but then again, come back to their usual resting form. Almost as if he tried to mask his. . . disappointment?

You weren’t sure, and his expression wasn’t one of happiness, either.

He looked older, more worn, but his eyes held the same disapproval you had seen so many times before. The kind of disapproval that was never voiced but was always felt.

A kind of disapproval you felt in your veins even before you were faced to force it, almost as if it was imprinted deep in your veins, that no matter what you’d do, you’re going to get this stamp of resentment passed onto you.

“Long time,” he muttered, his eyes flicking over yours as if assessing the damage of the years. The silence which has stretched all over these years. You were surprised that he even decided to speak up, remembering the time when you departed.. wasn’t exactly as serene as a teary goodbye sounded like, but that was a memory you refused to unlock.

“Yeah,” you reply, your voice barely above a whisper.

You grimace at how dry you sounded, but you couldn’t help it. Maybe because it’s partially the fact that you didn't know what to answer, or maybe because..

Well.

You stood there, the three of you, now, in the cramped living room that had never felt like a home to you. You wonder if it did to them too, or was it just the forced idea of it being a home to rest their heads in made them used to the idea that it was a home. Misunderstandings which haunt you, as their child, you sure are to know that they must haunt them too.

You were someone who tried fixing them, who never once tried to do that themselves, right in the place where it all began, pretending it was home, when all it ever felt like was a place they were too tired to leave.

The silence in the room felt heavy, oppressive, broken only by the faint ticking of the old clock on the wall which seemed to drag time over and over.

It once again felt like their eyes pierced your very own soul, trying to burn you with their gaze.

“I’ll get dinner started,” your mother echoed, turning away before anyone could respond. It was easier, you supposed, to keep busy than to confront the reality of your return.

Or her expectations. Who knows.

You nodded, more to yourself than to anyone else, and followed your mother into the kitchen. You weren’t surprised that your father opted to go outside — a habit you’d recall which was so frequent back in the olden days when everything was a frenzied mess. Either he used to be out puffing out nicotine, or simply. . . didn’t return home until he felt like it.

— — —

The kitchen was smaller than you’d remembered, or maybe you’d just grown up. The shelves were no longer as tall as Burj Khalifa to you, and neither were the long random cabinets— who were the same dull brown, the countertops cluttered with the same appliances that had seen better days.

Your breath stuttered at how even the products you’d seen were the same, not a single new thing filled there— from the good ol’ crunchy cereal cornflakes (which was barely even consumed for breakfast,) or the chilli crisp you’d loved to drizzle on top of nearly any dish you’d had.

Truly, nothing really had changed.

“You’ve been gone a long time,” your mother’s voice reached out to you as you nearly flinched, not having expected her to begin a conversation. She was diligent in her chore; her question was like a soft command which demanded an answer, not looking up from where she was peeling potatoes, with that same old lilac handled peeler.

“Yeah,” you repeat, this time truly not knowing what else to say. To say you felt like a dumbass was an understatement; because truly, after so long, you seem to have lost the spark to even think to answer.

However , you didn’t want to explain yourself, didn’t want to justify why you’d stayed away for so long. You didn’t owe them that. You didn’t owe them anything.

At least, that’s what you told yourself. It felt better that way.

The silence returned, heavy and uncomfortable. You found yourself staring out the small kitchen window, your gaze drifting to the house next door. You could see the top of the garden wall, the vibrant green of the plants that lined it.

It was strange how one small thing could hold so many memories, how one small thing could make you feel so much. Much more than being inside of your own house ever did, or ever could.

Yet, something about it feels different now, like a memory you’ve revisited too many times, its edges blurred with the weight of all you’ve carried inside you for decades.

You can almost see him there, in the yard, surrounded by laughter that wasn’t just his—it was a magnet, he was like a magnet, pulling everyone into its orbit, everyone except you. You were always on the outside looking in, (and it’s nearly ironic how you are now too,) your heart a silent witness to the joy you could never touch, never reach.

Even when he reached out, trying to pull you into that magnetic circle of warmth, you resisted. Your pride was too wounded, your envy was too sharp. How could you join in when every smile of his was a reminder of everything you could never be?

.....

Fuck.

You quickly look away, focusing on the mundane task of setting the table, very well knowing that your mom is gonna do that again. But the curiosity lingered, like a small fucking bug, a small, nagging feeling that you couldn’t quite shake out of you.

You did not want to think about him. You did not come here all the way to remember someone who has always just,. . . you sigh, gritting your teeth. Here were you again, fretting and sweating. Your mind whirred, not wanting to remember the way his smile had once made you feel both seen and invisible at the same time.

— — —

You decide you could take a walk around to fuck around and.. uh, find out, maybe? (You weren’t sure what exactly, though.)

As you maneuver through the hallway, your gaze drifts to the old family photos hanging on the wall. They seem. . out of place, like relics from a time that never really existed, or more like pieces on . . a museum? A museum where no one cared for its content , and everything was just randomly added to make something out of nothing.

You were always smiling in those pictures, but it was a smile that never reached your eyes—a smile that hid the exhaustion inside you. And there, in the corner of every photo, was him.

Even in those memories, those old photos, he was perfect. The golden boy with the bright eyes and the easy smile. His eyes were so bright and full of a happiness that seemed to come so naturally, would crinkle at the corners when he smiled—an easy, effortless smile that lit up his entire face.

His hair, always a little tousled from running around, caught the sunlight in a way that made it glow, adding to the image of him as the golden boy. You remember the way his front teeth, slightly larger and giving him that bunny-like appearance, would peek out when he grinned, adding a touch of innocence to his already charming features. He’s grinning widely in this picture, his nose crinkled up and his fingers poised in a victory sign, aligned to his face, right above his eyes, a smile so infectious that you feel your lips stretch to a smile even before you know it.

Your heart drops to your ass.

You’re smiling.

You can still hear their voices,though. Dripping with disappointment every time they said his name, their expectations pressing down on you like a weight you could never lift. You were expected to be someone’s walking copy— perfect and what not. You were the one who couldn’t measure up, the one who always fell short, who always came last in the race.

You take a deep breath, but it feels like you’re inhaling shards of glass, each breath painful, deep and cutting. The silence in the house is deafening, only the distant noise of your mother chopping up vegetables with that same dull thud against the chop board audible.

It doesn’t take you long to realize that the absence of your parents’ voices is more suffocating than their arguments ever were. You had always wished for the fighting to stop, but now that it has, you find yourself wishing for the noise, the chaos—anything to drown out the silence that presses in on you from all sides.

Maybe you had finally gone insane.

You had run away from it all. From the piercing noises, comparison, disdain, disappointment, everything. You were so young back then, with no knowledge of the outside world or its secrets.

You’d try to settle in different parts of the world, failing miserably each time because that feeling of something missing in your soul— that deep longing and yearning for anything that wasn’t as quick as getting a quick whiff of dopamine.. never quite left following you.

And now, here you are, back where it all began, and nothing has changed. Except, perhaps, you. You’re not the same girl who left this place. You’ve seen too much, been through too much. The world has carved its mark on you, left you scarred and weary, and you’re not sure if there’s anything left of the girl you used to be.

But as you stand there, looking out at the endless pictures which hang on the old plastered walls where the past that still haunts you, you realize something.

You’re not just angry anymore.

You’re tired.

Tired of carrying this weight, this burden of resentment and hurt. Tired of blaming all the misunderstandings that were woven into the delicate fabric of your mind as you grew up, to someone who perhaps wasn't even slightly related to your pain.

Perhaps, just perhaps, it wasn’t really him you despised, but the circumstances that had pushed you to see him as the source of your pain, which had settled like dust in the chambers of your heart. The misunderstandings that had tangled themselves into the delicate fabric of your mind as you grew up, weaving him into the narrative of your suffering, were unfair to you both.

It felt easier to blame him than to confront the truth—that your pain had roots far deeper than just one boy with a bright smile and kind heart.

And maybe, just maybe, you’re ready to let go.

The thought surprises you, shakes you to your core. Where the fuck did that come from?

The thought not only surprises you, but mostly, scares you. You take a cautious step back. It comes with a dozen questions which you fear that you don’t know the answers to, or are way too confused to even think about them.

You’ve held onto this anger for so long, let it define you, shape you. Who will you be without it? Can you really let go of something that has been a part of you for so long?

Did it really take you this long to realise this, all that, too in the place where you desperately ran away from?

You don’t have the answers, not yet. But standing here, in this place where it all began, you think that maybe you’re ready to start looking for them.

And that scares you more than anything else.

You find yourself staring at a sketchbook, after dinner, which was all just . . . once again, all silence. You remember how you realised that the food tasted bland, despite having a home cooked meal after nearly a decade. You tried adding salt till it was way too salty, and you had to gulp down each morsel because it became too bitter for your taste. The suffocating silence was broken when the bubbling hot stew burnt your tongue, as you yelped in pain. The only relief you got was gulping down a whole bottle of iced water from the fridge.

Your tongue feels numb now. Great.

Your eyes roam over the sketchbook again, its once pristine pages now yellowed with age. It was a relic from your childhood, buried deep in the attic with dust for years until your return home unearthed it. As you trace the lines of the drawing on the first page, you remember the day you made it—a simple scene of a house on a hill, surrounded by trees and bathed in the warm glow of a sunset, and those huge “V” shaped birds marked randomly near the sun.

You remember that you were so proud of that drawing, each line and color carefully chosen by your younger self, an attempt to capture a world that felt safe and beautiful.

An imaginary place where you’d even thought of making stick figures to show you and your parents, a world where they lived happily, but the vague pencil traces underneath the pastel scribbling show that you’d decided it was better without it.

But the memory of showing it to your parents is what lingers most. You remember how your excitement had bubbled over as you presented the drawing to your parents, your young heart brimming with pride. You’d spent hours on that piece, the house on the hill, the yellow-ish hues of the sunset, the trees swaying gently in the imaginary breeze. You thought it was the best thing you’d ever created.

But when you placed the sketchbook in front of them, eager for their approval, their reactions were far from what you had hoped.

Your mother’s eyes had flickered over the page, her lips pressing into a thin line. She didn’t say anything at first, just handed the sketchbook over to your father, who barely glanced at it before returning to his newspaper. It was your mother who finally broke the silence, her voice flat and dismissive. “It’s… fine,” she’d said, and that single word was like a bucket of cold water on your excitement, your hard work.

You remember vividly, how your heart sank, how the colours of your drawing seemed to dull right before your eyes. How hours of scribbling felt like it’d all been to waste. The pride you’d felt moments before quickly evaporated, replaced by a hollow ache in your chest. You were too young to understand why her words stung so much, but old enough to know they did.

But then your mother’s tone shifted, a hint of something sharper creeping into her voice. Her eyes, dark and clear, were on you. “You know,” she’d continued, “Jungkook showed us a drawing he did just last week. It was a landscape too, but he added so much detail. The way he captured the mountains and the way the light reflected on the water… It was really impressive. His technique is really improving.”

Your father chimed in, not even looking up. “Yes, he’s always had a good eye for these things, hah. Natural talent, I suppose.”

You’d just stood there in the corner, your limbs feeling way too weak and shaky to hold you up.

You’d tried to keep your expression neutral, tried to swallow the hollow pain in your chest, but it was no use. The resentment boiled inside you, twisting something in your chest until all you could feel was the unfairness of it all. You had wanted to create something beautiful, to show them what you were capable of, that you could do better, but instead, your drawing had become just another reminder of how you didn’t measure up.

The sting of their words burned hot behind your eyes, and before you knew it, tears were blurring your vision. You didn’t want to cry in front of them, didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing how deeply they had hurt you. So you bolted from the yard, the sound of their conversation fading behind you as you ran, feeling even hurt that none of your parents bothered to ask about where you were going.

But your vision was too clouded by tears, and as you reached the stairs, you’d feel your foot catch on the edge of a step. You stumbled forward, eyes widening, your arms flailing as you tried to catch yourself, but it was too late. You’d fallen, hard, the impact of your knee against the hardwood sending a sharp jolt of pain through your leg.

You remember the way your mother had smiled when she talked about Jungkook’s drawing, a soft, admiring smile that she rarely directed at you. It wasn’t just the critique of your work that hurt—it was the realization that, in their eyes, Jungkook would always outshine you. No matter how hard you tried, how much effort you put in, he was the golden child, the one who could do no wrong, while you were just… there.

The tears you’d been holding back spilled over, partly from the pain, but mostly from the overwhelming sense of rejection and inadequacy. You sat there on the stairs, your knee scraped and bleeding, the ache in your chest even worse than the one on your knee. The drawing that had once filled you with pride now felt like a cruel joke, a reminder of how you would always fall short, no matter how hard you tried.

You wiped at your eyes with the back of your hand, angry at yourself for crying, angry at them for making you feel this way, and angry at Jungkook for being the perfect son they never had. The resentment grew deeper, and with it, so did the belief that you were never going to be good enough for them, no matter what you did.

— — —

The moon is full overhead when you finally change into some comfortable PJs and finally feel sleep knock on the back of your eyelids and exhaustion making its way to move gradually along your body. Today wasn’t exactly eventful, but rather a concoction of memories which tickled and stung you like a thousand bees over and over.

You’ve decided to keep the windows open, . . .for tonight, atleast, because you do not dare sleep without feeling suffocated here. It sounds silly, but having nice ventilation feels. . . fresh, or more so.

You were around fourteen, you think, as you remember sitting on the edge of the playground, kicking at the dirt with the toes of your worn sneakers. The sun was setting, casting long shadows across the field, and you could hear the other kids shouting and playing, their voices mingling with the distant hum of traffic.

You weren’t interested in joining them. Your eyes were fixed on a figure in the distance, one you knew all too well.

Jungkook.

He was standing by the swings, laughing with a group of boys who seemed to hang on his every word. His dark hair fell into his eyes as he pushed it back, and his smile—God, that smile—was so bright, so beautiful, it almost hurt to look at. You hated that smile. You hated how perfect he seemed, how effortless everything was for him. And you hated how, no matter what you did, you could never seem to escape his shadow. No wonder the girls were so hung up on him, even the class president— it was ridiculous.

That day had started like any other, with your parents reminding you how you should be more like Jungkook. They praised his grades, his athletic abilities, and his charm. Either a direct implication of “Why can’t you be more like him?” or something like “You know, Jungkook— blah blah blah, all that bullshit about how he was better than you in every aspect. Even if it was the topic of increasing acne on your face, not realising—or maybe not caring—how their words cut you down. You knew they meant well, or maybe not, but each comparison felt like a knife to your heart, a reminder that you would never be good enough.

That you’ll never be him.

You were lost in your thoughts when you felt a presence beside you. You didn’t need to look up to know who it was.

“Hey,” Jungkook said, his voice soft, almost hesitant. “Why are you sitting here alone?” His voice was always so soft. So gentle.

You hated his voice. Why did he sound so. . . sweet ? so smooth, almost with a slight undertone of a rasp. Why did it make you want to surrender and break down into the frustration which was pent up inside you since ages?

You shrugged, not trusting yourself to speak. Your throat felt tight, your chest heavy. You wanted to tell him to go away, to leave you alone, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. Because as much as you resented him, wanted him away from you, you somehow wanted him near you, a feeling which was hugely perplexing to you. It was a twisted, painful contradiction that you didn’t fully understand, nor you’d ever wanted to.

Jungkook sat down beside you, right on the dusty ground, his knee brushing against yours. The contact sent a jolt, a feeling of fleeting emotions through you, but you didn’t move away. Instead, you kept your eyes fixed on the ground, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tears that were threatening to spill over.

“Are you okay?” he asked, concern lacing his voice.

Of course he’s gonna be concerned.

And that was the thing about Jungkook—he was always so kind, so considerate, even when you didn’t want him to be. It only made you feel worse. It only made you feel like utter shit, like you were not meant for anything, not even basic human compassion.

You swallowed hard, forcing yourself to keep your emotions in check. “I’m fine,” you lied, your voice barely above a whisper.

Jungkook didn’t seem convinced. He shifted closer, his shoulder pressing against yours. He smelled like baby powder mixed with sweat. Irritating. “You know you can talk to me, right? If something’s bothering you.”

You almost laughed at the irony. How could you talk to him when he was the source of so much of your pain? When everyday you had to just, suffer because of him? How could you tell him that every time you looked at him, you felt like you were drowning in your own inadequacy? That every time he succeeded, it felt like another reminder of your failures? While he was always praised, always encouraged, while you were left to wonder why your efforts never seemed to measure up?

But instead of saying any of that, you just nodded, giving him the answer he wanted. Because you couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing you as weak, as vulnerable. You couldn’t let him know how deeply he had affected you.

There was a long silence between you, the kind that felt like it was stretching out forever. You could hear your own heartbeat pounding in your ears, feel the tension in your chest building with every passing second. And then, just when you thought you couldn’t take it anymore, Jungkook spoke again.

“You know, you’re really talented,” he said, his voice slightly higher than usual, a habit you hate to have noticed when he gets excited about something. “I just saw your abstract sketches the other day. Holy shit dude, they’re amazing!”

You didn’t know if your heart hammering in your chest sounded more or the silence after his praise did. He, however, didn’t stop there.

“You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

His words were meant to be comforting, but they only served to twist the knife deeper. Because at that moment, you realised that he didn’t understand. He couldn’t. To him, everything came so easily—success, praise, admiration. But for you, it was a constant struggle, a battle you fought every day just to keep your head above water.

You turned to look at him then, really look at him, not caring if your eyes are brimming with unshed tears or if your nose is runny with snot and tears.

And for the first time, you saw the boy behind the perfect image. There was a softness in his eyes, a sincerity that made your heart ache. And for a fleeting moment, you wanted to believe him, to believe that maybe, just maybe, you were more than the sum of your insecurities.

But then reality came crashing back, and the bitterness you had tried so hard to suppress bubbled to the surface.

“Thanks,” you said, your voice flat, on the verge of cracking, devoid of the warmth you knew he was expecting. “But I don’t need your pity.”

Jungkook blinked, his doe eyes widening, taken aback by your sudden harshness. “It’s not—”

“Just leave me alone,” you’d hissed, standing up abruptly. You didn’t give him a chance to respond before you turned and walked away, your heart pounding in your chest, your blood rushing onto your face. You could feel his eyes on your back, but you didn’t dare look back. Because if you did, you knew you would see the hurt in his expression, and you couldn’t handle that. Not when you were already so close to breaking.

And so you ran. Ran so fast, so hard, that you felt your chest constrict and gulp for air— the static breeze feeling like wind on your face as you ran, ran, ran. Ran till your limbs gave away and your head hurt, till you feel your insides eat you up with a strange mix of emotions—anger, regret, sadness.

But most of all, you felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness, even if you felt like you did the right thing. Because in pushing Jungkook away, you had also pushed away the one person who might have understood, who might have been able to help you. . . only if you hadn’t pushed him away.

But it was too late now. The damage was done, and you were left to pick up the pieces alone.

But as you stare at the sketchbook now, under the glowing moonlight, running your fingers over the faded lines of the drawing, the sketches you’d made again — you see it with different eyes—eyes that can appreciate the innocence in those lines, the earnestness of a child who only wanted to create something beautiful. The proportions might not be perfect, almost nothing in those sketches were — but there’s a charm in their simplicity, a warmth in the colors that you hadn’t noticed before. They were all good drawings, you think, not because of their technical skill, but because they were a reflection of who you were back then—hopeful, imaginative, and full of dreams.

And maybe, just maybe, you had been a little too hard on yourself all those years ago.

You hadn’t even planned to be here.

The moment your father casually mentioned that the Jeons still lived next door, you felt that familiar, uncomfortable pressure building in your chest. You didn’t absolutely know why that information passed on, especially when after a heavy restless night of feeling like crap, your muscles aching from exhaustion , your brain unable to process every thought which you’d thought, you were finally up to join your parents for an early evening tea.

His voice was cheerful, like he had no idea the gravity of what he was suggesting, but you felt it immediately. Every time the conversation veered toward your neighbors, it dredged up feelings you weren’t ready to confront. The Jeons—his parents—meant one thing, and ultimately, one thing only: Jungkook.

The mention of their name was enough to send your mind into overdrive, painting images of polite conversation and awkward laughter, images that twisted into something far more unbearable—seeing him. You could already hear the follow-up conversation in your mother’s saccharine sweet voice, “Why don’t you come over and say hello? Catch up with the Jeons?” And worst of all, they’d ask about you. You felt despondent to even think of the conversation, if it ever took place.

You weren’t used to the warmth which Mr. and Mrs. Jeon had shown you throughout the years, which only made you doubt if they ever knew the thick wall of ash between their son and you. They were so copacetically well humored, it almost hurt to be in a conversation with them.

Almost as if you never were used to this form of decency, that it shocked you to your core.

Jungkook’s parents would definitely ask, and you'd be expected to stand there and smile like you hadn't left everything behind. You know they definitely wouldn’t mean anything hurtful, but you do not believe your mind.

Not yet, atleast.

Before your parents could suggest anything more, before they could casually lead you down that path of small talk and forced interactions, you’d mumbled a vague excuse. Something about needing to stretch your legs, or needing some air.

You really did, though.

You’d slipped out the front door like you were running away, and you shook away the bitterness forming in your throat. You weren’t sure where you were going, only that it had to be away from that conversation, away from the chance of seeing him.

As your feet carried you through the familiar streets, your mind raced faster than your heart. The narrow, winding streets were the same, the faded signs on shop windows were the same, but the memories that clung to the air—they were suffocating.

You’d always thought coming back would be simple. Walk down memory lane, see familiar faces, and pretend you were someone new. But the weight of those memories hung over you, each one sharper than the last. With every corner you turned, you felt the tug of your past, a pull you couldn’t quite shake away, no matter how hard you’d tried to shrug it off.

— — —

You found yourself slipping into a small café you hadn’t noticed before, just off the main road, desperate for a reprieve.

What’s the name— 134340? Quite strange, you think, but shrug it off once again. People are creative with their business requirements, even if that means that you probably make out nothing from eyeing the café from outside. except the fact that. . . it’s possibly space themed?

Now that is strange for a coffee shop.

You think that it’s quite new. Or, who even knows. It stands out from the dull shops lit nearby, and there’s quite a buzz which attracts you here, although you’d prefer a quiet café over a bustling one any day.

Well, fuck it.

The smell of roasted coffee beans and fresh pastries greeted you as you stepped inside, the hum of quiet conversation and the soft clink of mugs providing a much-needed escape. It’s surprisingly cozy, something you’d never guessed from the odd name and the theme previously. The café is small, actually smaller than most you’ve been to. Though, it’s nice, there are fewer people here, and you quite find yourself at peace already. You chose a table near the back, away from the windows, trying to create some distance from the life outside.

You hadn’t planned to stay long, but the peaceful atmosphere lulled you into a false sense of security. You let out a long breath, allowing the tension to ease from your shoulders as you sipped your coffee. Ha, thisfelt nice. For a few blissful moments, you felt like you could breathe again. Almost like. . . maybe you could handle this return to your hometown after all.

And then, the door chimes.

You barely looked up at first—just another customer, maybe a loner like you, someone else in this quiet café. But then the barista’s voice cut through the room, clear and distinct.

“Macchiato for Jungkook!”

Huh?

Your hand froze halfway to your cup. The familiar sound of his name hit you like a punch to the gut, making your breath hitch.

No fucking way.

Your gaze shot up, almost instinctively, and that’s when you saw him. There, standing by the counter, picking up his drink like it was the most casual thing in the world. Him.

Your heart seemed to lurch into your throat. It couldn’t be him—it couldn’t. And yet, there he was, right in front of you, a few inches away.

The room seemed to shrink around you, your pulse quickening as your eyes locked onto him. You felt yourself gasping for air, your peace long broken. Your body felt suddenly too warm, your chest tightening painfully as every nerve in your body screamed for you to look away.

But you just couldn’t.

He had changed.

The boy you left behind had grown into someone you barely recognized. His back was visible to you— his frame was broader, more solid than you remembered, and his shoulders— God, what the fuck? they seemed to stretch forever beneath the dark jacket he wore. His hair, slightly tousled, deep raven — as you’d remembered— framed his face in that familiar, careless way, but it was sharper now. Defined. There was no mistaking the confidence in the way he carried himself, something he hadn't fully grown into back then.

But what stood out most—what nearly knocked the breath from your lungs—were those— were those. . . tattoos peeking underneath his jacket?

Jungkook's arm, the one that used to be bare, now carried intricate black ink that snaked from his wrist to his elbow, disappearing under the sleeve of his jacket. The lines were bold, winding and curling, and you felt your jaw drop, even if he was standing at a distance. The tattoos seemed to catch the light as he reached for his drink, each motion of his arm drawing your attention like a magnet.

You couldn’t stop staring. The boy you remembered—the one who had always been so kind, so open—had become someone else entirely.

One who stood in stark contrast to the memories you had clung to.

And he was alone.

Jungkook had always been surrounded by people. He was known to be the crowd attractor, always having his admirers petting him by his neck. He was never the type to go anywhere without friends trailing behind him, their laughter filling the spaces around him. But here, now, in this café—he was by himself. There was a stillness about him that you didn’t remember, something quiet and self-assured.

Now, it almost felt like he didn’t need anyone around him to validate his presence. He was comfortable in his own skin, by himself.

That realisation hit you harder than you expected. He had changed in ways you hadn’t anticipated, ways that made your chest tighten with emotions you couldn’t even begin to name.

And then, just as you thought your heart might explode from your chest, Jungkook turned slightly, his eyes sweeping across the café—casually, as if he were taking in his surroundings—and your stomach dropped.

Fuck, fuck. The coffee was so strong, you feel it lurching up your stomach now.

You flinched, ducking your head quickly, heart pounding so loud you thought he might hear it across the room. Did he see you? Could he have recognized you after all these years? Your breath was shallow, uneven, panic rising in your throat as you wrestled with the urge to bolt from your seat.

You weren’t ready for this.

You weren’t ready to face him. Not here, not now. Not when you were still so caught up in your own thoughts, still trying to piece together the fragments of what your brain showed you. You’d come here for a cup of coffee— some peace— and seeing him again, after all this time, felt too much, and too little at once. It was like a bomb, or a bucket of ice cold water thrown directly at you.

It was overwhelming.

Your fingers trembled as you reached for your bag, your movements jerky and uncoordinated. Your heart was racing, and every instinct in your body was telling you to run. But you hesitated, torn between the undeniable urge to leave and the part of you that wanted to look at him just once more. Just to see if he had really changed as much as you thought. Just to see if he, unlike this town, your home, had changed.

But you knew better. You couldn’t stay. Not with your emotions so close to the surface, threatening to spill over. If he saw you, if he recognized you—if he spoke to you— you didn’t know if you could handle that.

Because you know you can’t.

The café, once so peaceful, now felt stifling, the walls closing in on you as your breath quickened. You couldn’t breathe. You needed to get out of here, needed to escape before everything came crashing down.

With one final glance at his figure, standing there by the counter, you pushed your chair back, the screeching sound drawing more attention than you would have liked. But you didn’t care. You grabbed your things and bolted for the door, your pulse pounding in your ears, your steps quick and uneven.

You’d nearly made it. The door was just a few steps away, and all you had to do was keep your head down and walk.

Your heart was still hammering in your chest, the anxiety twisting your insides as you tried to steady your breathing. Jungkook hadn’t seen you—or at least you hoped he hadn’t. You prayed to heavens and hells that he hadn’t. But just as you reached for the door, you saw him lean against the counter, much closer now. Far closer than you had anticipated.

Fuck. Fuck!

The café’s single door was right beside where he stood, and there was no way out without passing directly by him.

Oh no.

You shouldn’t have chosen this café. Was there no other cafés for you to try? Did HE necessarily have to be in the same café as you?

Your stomach churned, your pulse thudding in your ears, drowning out everything else. He was right there. Right there. And you could feel the heat radiating off him even from where you stood. Panic crawled up your spine, making your movements sluggish and jerky. You just needed to keep your head down and walk—walk past him without glancing his way, without catching his eye. But he was so close, and as you stepped forward, trying to make yourself as small as possible, you caught it—his scent.

That familiar scent, one that had changed just as much as he had. He no longer smelled like baby powder. It was manly now, deeper, some sort of an expensive cologne, which was strong on its own— yet soft, almost comforting in a way that made your chest constrict painfully. The scent wrapped around you, making your knees feel weak, and for a second, you nearly lost your footing. You fought the instinct to look at him—to take one glance and confirm that yes, this is the Jungkook you left behind, the one who had grown into a man. But you couldn’t. If you looked at him, you’d be done.

You were beyond cooked.

Your legs carried you forward, faster than they should have, your mind racing with every step. You felt your arm brush something—him, the edge of his jacket maybe, or his hand on the counter—and your pulse spiked violently.

Don’t look. Don’t look.

You shoved the door open, your breath coming in shallow, ragged bursts as you stumbled outside, the cool air hitting your face like a hard slap back to reality.

You were outside. You’d made it. But the world around you was spinning, the street and the sky blurring together as your heart continued to pound in your chest. You leaned against the wall just outside the café, your hand pressed to your chest, trying to catch your breath, trying to calm the storm raging inside you.

Your palms felt uncomfortably clammy and you felt a sweat head run down your temple. Your thoughts were a mess—disjointed. Everything was hitting you at once; you had run away again. You had seen him, been close enough to touch him, and you had run. Just like before.

You squeezed your eyes shut, the ache in your chest spreading as you tried to pull yourself together. It was stupid. So stupid. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid ! You were an adult now, one with full responsibilities for your actions, and yet here you were, fleeing like a scared child.

You took a deep breath, forcing the air into your lungs. Maybe you could handle this. Yeah, you needed to clear your head. It’s just the coffee messing with you. Maybe you could—

“Excuse me?”

Your entire body froze at the voice directed at you.

That voice.

Deep. Smooth. Rich. The sound of it sent a shiver down your spine, catching you off guard, wrapping itself around you like a tether, pulling you back toward the very thing you were trying to escape.

It wasn’t the voice you remembered—but it also very much was— heavier, weighted with a kind of maturity that made your breath catch. The boy you once knew had never sounded like this. This voice was deeper, more assured, like it had weathered years of life since you last heard it. The softness which his voice held in your memory still was back somewhere, but you couldn’t find it. And that hit you hard. He wasn’t that same boy anymore. The boy who used to tease you, who laughed with that bright, carefree chuckle—he was gone.

And now, that very voice was speaking to you.

You slowly turned to face him, your heart thudding violently in your chest as your eyes locked onto his face.

Yeah, this was your end.

Your breath caught in your throat.

Jungkook.

He was right there, just a few feet away. And this close, you could see everything.

The sharpness of his jawline hit you first, carved out and more defined than you ever remembered. It was strong, angular, like someone had taken the softness he once had and sculpted it into something more. . . commanding. His lips, parted slightly as he waited for you to respond, were full and soft, but even they held a sense of control, like every movement was deliberate. Fuck, was that a piercing at the corner ? His nose—perfectly straight, leading up to those eyes.

Those eyes.

Dark, deep, and searching. They hadn’t changed much in shape, but the way they looked at you was different now—more intense, more aware. His gaze wasn’t filled with youthful curiosity or mischief anymore. It was deeper. Grounded. Like he saw more, understood more.

He was a man now.

Your stomach twisted violently, and you had to force yourself to breathe.

Your gaze traveled up, noting the way his thick brows framed his face, darker and more defined than you remembered. They furrowed slightly as he watched you, as if trying to figure out why you were staring, why you hadn’t taken the phone from his hand yet. The small furrow in his brows only made his expression more serious, more focused. He was looking at you—not just glancing, but looking.

His dark, inky black hair brushed just above his brows, a few strands falling forward in that effortless, tousled way. It was longer now, framing his face, giving him an edge that made your chest tighten.

But it wasn’t just his face. Your eyes flickered down for just a second, barely able to handle it. His neck—strong and sinewy, leading to broad shoulders that seemed even broader now in the fitted jacket he wore. He’d filled out—a lot. His arms were no longer just lean muscle from teenage years of sports. Now, they were thicker, more muscular, straining against the fabric of his sleeve. Oh my God.

Your mind raced, every detail crashing into you at once, overwhelming your senses. Your chest felt tight, and you felt like your hands were shaking by your sides.

The more you looked, the more you realized how much had changed. How much you had missed. How much you had run away from?

It felt like the world was tilting, spinning, and you couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t stop the flood of memories, the weight of time lost, the realization that Jungkook had grown into someone you barely recognized—yet you knew it was still him.

He was still him.

You were losing yourself in it, in all of it, your thoughts spiraling out of control, unable to process the fact that he was standing here, holding something that belonged to you, waiting for you to take it from him.

Your eyes flickered back to his face, your heart clenching painfully. He was watching you, studying you in a way that made your skin prickle with awareness. And yet, as much as he was looking at you, he didn’t know you. Didn’t recognize you. Not yet, anyway.

That hit you harder than you could’ve expected. How could he not know who you were? How could he not see it in your face, in the way you were trembling, in the panic written all over you?

But then again, why would he?

You were no longer the same girl he once knew.

And as his eyes narrowed in mild confusion, his brow furrowing just a little deeper, it became clear—he didn’t see you as the person who had disappeared from his life. Not yet.

“Hey, are you alright?” he asked softly, his voice sending a tremor down your spine. You couldn’t miss the concern in his tone, the slight edge of worry that made your throat tighten even more.

Fuck. Of course he’d be concerned.

You blinked, the world rushing back into focus, feeling like your pupils zoomed like crazy— and suddenly, you realized you had been standing there for far too long, staring at him like a deer caught in headlights. Standing there like a damn weirdo.

Your phone. He is holding your phone.

For a split second, your eyes met his, and time seemed to freeze.

His gaze locked onto yours, and for the briefest of moments, something flickered there—something like recognition. You feel your eyes widening, bells ringing at the back of your head. His eyes softened, just slightly, as if he was searching your face for something familiar, something from the past. But then, just as quickly, it was gone, replaced by that same polite curiosity.

For a moment, you couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Your eyes flickered between his face and the phone in his hand, your chest tightening with each passing second. What should you do? He was right there, right in front of you. He was close enough for yoh to reach out and take back what was yours.

But you couldn’t.

Your hand now actually trembled at your side, your body frozen in place. The air felt too thick for you to gulp in, and your heart was pounding so loudly you were sure he could hear it. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

“I—” Your voice cracked, and you swallowed hard, trying to force the words out, trying to make your body move. But you couldn’t.

You just couldn’t.

He tilted his head slightly, concern flickering across his face as he waited for you to take the phone. Why is he so concerned!? But you just stood there, rooted to the spot, like your feet had been glued to the ground. You felt the panic rising inside you again, the walls closing in as your chest tightened painfully, slowly.

“I—” you tried again, but your throat was too tight, and the word came out as nothing more than a strangled sound, like a muffled voice.

He took a step closer, and that was it. That was it.

Your body went into overdrive. Without thinking, without even trying to reason with yourself, you turned on your heel and bolted down the street, not caring if people stopped to look at you, thinking if you possibly were either a lunatic or someone who just won a lottery.

You didn’t care. You ran, ran, feeling your breath coming in short, sharp gasps as you ran. Your legs felt shaky beneath you, your pulse pounding in your ears as you darted around the corner, as far away from him as possible.

You couldn’t do this.

Your heart was hammering so violently you thought it might burst right out of your chest, and all you could think about was getting away. Far, far away.

You ran till you feel your chest burn, you ran till you felt like your limbs would give up. You ran till you feel like nothing again, you ran till your mind was empty.

When you finally slowed, your breath came in harsh, ragged bursts, and your vision blurred with tears you hadn’t realized were there. You collapsed onto a bench, your whole body trembling violently as the weight of everything crashed down on you.

You had run away.

Again.

And this time, you didn’t even have an excuse.

a/n : phew.. 😵‍💫 if you’ve made this far, thank you for reading 💜 what do we think? i’d be very glad if you let me know your thoughts 🫶🏾 if you want, there’s an anonymous feedback box where you can drop your thoughts anonymously 💌

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badassbutterfly1987 · 4 months ago

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Black Sun Rising ch. 15 live read

This is a long chapter with a lot to say so next few chapters will get their own post.

before we get to the fun stuff, the chapter starts with a teen on a magic drug trip. he's having a great time until something attacks his mind/soul? and he's unable to return to his body in a legitimately unsettling scene.

trio arrive in a dae (town?) called Briand to shelter for the night. Damien notes that there are protective sigils on the gates, some of them designed by Ciani who is no longer able to recognize it, which can keep out lesser monsters.

interesting to note that Damien also has an insecurity that he manages well: he is someone that needs to be active and feel needed, an aspect of himself that he's funneled into service of the Church and helping people.

note that he realizes the innkeeper at the place they're staying is upset about something, suspects it's a family matter, and immediately offers to help (you know how characters are sometimes compared to specific animals? he's a sheepdog to me). turns out she's the mother of the teen at the beginning of the chapter who is now in a coma. Damien examines him but can't identify the cause and his Knowing is actively prevented from reading the state of his soul and brain activity.

with how quickly he's gotten attached to Ciani, I really want to know his previous dating history. is this a pattern for him? is he one of those guys that starts contemplating marriage within a half year of dating? oh, he's going to pair delightfully with Tarrant!

Tarrant finally enters the scene and it's wonderful. Damien is quick to describe how attractive he is. "attractive to women", sure Damien, that qualifier definitely makes it less gay.

worldbuilding: most people don't carry guns (which I did not expect to exist in this world) because technology plus fear of failure or in general can either cause it to fail or outright explode. That Tarrant carries an UnWorked pistol (does a vampire really need a pistol?) marks him either as incredibly reckless or an Adept.

Possible favorite moment of the chapter: Damian tries to perform a subtle Knowing on him, is immediately blocked by a Shield, Tarrant notices and Damien realizes he's been noticed, and Tarrant is implied to get a better read on him and is just kinda amused

I can just imagine Tarrant thinking: "oh this is the priest Karril mentioned? this is going to be fun". Love the Vibes here.

Ciani decides to get to know him the old-fashioned way (by straight-forward conversation) and Senzei makes a dumb comment like "women, am I right?" which marks the second time a remark about women inherently being a certain way (in contrast to men) which I'm willing to be lenient on because it was the 90s.

interesting to note that despite Tarrant acknowledging he knew Ciani and wanted to help her, he doesn't acknowledge that her and Ciani doesn't recognize him. Either they hadn't met in person and only knew each other by association/communicated through letters, or Ciani's forgotten him and he's playing coy for now

the group chats but everyone is evasive (especially Tarrant) about what they're doing and why. progress is only made when the topic of the coma teen comes up and Tarrant offers to help.

to speedrun: Tarrant identifies the problem very quickly and Damien is both unsettled and intrigued by everything about him. The boy's mind/soul/sense of self was permanently separated from his body and is functionally dead. Tarrant misleads the mother into thinking it was an overdose from illegal drugs while admitting to the Damian it was something using dark fae, which he confirms is similar to what happened to Ciani though he doesn't specify that to Tarrant. Then Tarrant goes full "eh, he's practically dead anyway, might as well speed along the body's death" which Damien objects to on the grounds he doesn't want to kill an innocent life.

here's the thing: I get what the author is setting up; Damien's firmly set in his moral code while Tarrant has ruthlessly tossed that aside and their dynamic will include that contrast.

but Damian's trained as a healer, he has to know when someone is too far gone to be saved. This is the equivalent of a coma patient without brain activity on life support; instead of Tarrant deciding to take care of things himself, wouldn't it be interesting to have Damien talk to the boy's mother and get permission before doing it, essentially taking the responsibility for it? It would establish him as someone willing to make the difficult choice while still retaining his empathy (which he'll probably develop into but still) and since I skimmed the next couple chapters, I know Damien is going to be second guessing this scene and wondering if Tarrant was manipulating his perception; how much better (or worse for him) if Damien worried he'd been manipulated into killing an innocent that could have been saved?

they part ways after this point because while they're both heading north, Tarrant only travels at night and Damian's a bit too weirded out to bring him into the group.

#coldfire trilogy #black sun rising #live read

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dragonsarecats · 1 year ago

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[ Previous anon ]

I'M SORRY FOR WORDING IT LIKE THAT I played the Golden Deers, some of my favorite queer ship are with Deers and some of my favorite character are among the deers! My favorite deer ship is probably Leonie x Lysithea ( She litteraly say Leonie would make an incredible partner! Why do their support stop at B again?? ) and my otp is Hilda x Edelgard ( do not judge me I have REASONS ). And also, one of my favorite queer headcanon is trans aro-ace Claude! So I genuinely love the Deers as queers!

However, for me the deer and the diverse queer content around them is heavily a fandom thing. When I say the deer are "too straight for me", I meant it for the game directly. Like you have the Black Eagles where not only litteraly every characters is canon queer/has heavily subtext but has also its whole narrative drenched in queer metaphor! You have the Blue Lions where, while there's less "canon queer", you litteraly cannot say most of its members are straight with how heavy the subtext that's barely even subtext anymore is: there's 0 straight explanation for Felix crying more at Dimitri death than his wife, or him dying the same day as Sylvain because they can't live without each other.

But for the Deers... You have Hilda/Marianne and Claude/Lorenz as the most popular one but while their relationship are so fascinating, when you only look only at the game, they feel too platonic? Especially compared to a Dedue/Dimitri ( like a family in private. took up a post at his grave for the most of his days. BURIED BESIDE EACHOTHER ) or a Ferdinand/Hubert ( rare A+ support, with blushing, their own little surname, Ferdinand/Edelgard support changing just to mention Ferdinand drinking coffee ). Otherwise you have Leonie/Lysithea which stop at B. You have Raphael/Ignatz where they decided to just push the relationship to make their ending all about Ignatz with his sister.

Like really, the Deers manage to have less in game queer moment than the Church of Seiros, Rhea aside, of all things! We were so robbed! The rainbow house deserve better. I'm a lesbian and after all my playthrough Verdant Winds was my only route where I had to marry a man, all I wanted was a lavender wedding with Claude while I have a passionate romance with Leonie :(

To sum up: Lysithea and Leonie should kiss, Intelligent Systems are fucking cowards

For the fandom I'll have to disagree, I think the Deers have a lot a queer content and it's amazing :] My only thing might be how Claude has become the first character you think of when talking about bi fe3h character which is kinda telling how wlw are dismissed in the general fandom, but its better than some people insisting he's totally straigh so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

( Also I big agree on Hilda support being gem, she's such a great character and one that's much more complex than given credit for!! )

Oh and I think I disagree with Deers being the more family found-esq ( saying that bc it's a great subject of I discussion and I want to hear more about your opinion on the matter )

The Lions is the family where they all stick together through thick and thin, following Dimitri to hell and back, but their relationship are complexe and not always healthy ( mostly at the beginning with like Dimitri & Felix or Ingrid & Sylvain ).

The Eagles are the found family where a lot of them bitch about each other at first but they end up with deep relationship where they take care for each other and stand together against the world, even sticking together during the time skip ( also because they kinda all killed each other dad ).

The Deers are for me more like an actual close group of friend: their life are not going to revolve around each other like it does with the other houses, but they won't hesitate to come for that 5 years reunion to see the other. It's kinda like you say they're so normal in a good way! They tease each other but they don't hate each other in the way of a Dimitri/Felix, a Caspar/Petra, a Ferdinand/Hubert ( except for Lorenz but like, it's Lorenz ). They won't kill the other dad, but they'll sure as hell support each other like Lorenz and Ignatz or Marianne and Raphael. They might not start a revolution together but they will listen to the other even when it’s total heresy ( Leonie & Claude, such an incredible support :’) ) and help the other to reach their goal… I do agree with you it’s linked to not knowing each other before, but on that, isn’t knowing each other before more of a Lion thing than not knowing being a Deer thing? I don’t know, the BE are kind of a middle ground.

( Sorry for my ramblings- It's so fun talking about the deers )

AA anon thank you for the long ask!! Okay I'm gonna take this point by point under the readmore!

"My favorite deer ship s probably Leonie x Lysithea ( She litteraly say Leonie would make an incredible partner! Why do their support stop at B again?? )"

INCREDIBLY fair and based of you, lol, I read Lysithea as gay and it's 100% because of the support conversations she has with Leonie and Hilda (which to me implies an ADORABLE crush--Lysithea seems to genuinely respect and admire Hilda which is not something you'd expect from like, a surface level reading of their characters).

I'm gonna admit my own bias here in terms of canon text endings--my favorite Lysithea ending is her paired ending with Lorenz. It really reads like a queer platonic relationship to me--I don't really get romantic vibes from either of them (gay as they are) towards each other, but the commitment and care they have for each other genuinely warms my heart. Especially the fact that like, Lorenz is SO determined to ensure Lysithea takes care of herself and the ending doesn't really imply that she dies young (only that her health is delicate/poor) in comparison to others, and she and her family get to live the quiet life they want. Of course, as an aro/ace disabled person, I think it probably hits differently for me than people who aren't just because of the fact that after the most recent time I saw their support chain/got their ending I teared up a bit (and also why I'm now adoring your trans-aro-ace Claude).

ANYWAYS, I agree IS are cowards and that's why Edelgard is the only Lord who can romance both male/female Byleth.

"For the fandom I'll have to disagree, I think the Deers have a lot a queer content and it's amazing :]"

I probably didn't word what I meant completely lol correctly-- it's not that the Deer don't have a lot of queer content, it's just that overall, they have less content in general made for them then the Black Eagles and Blue Lions.

I do ALSO love so much of the queer content made for the Deers! The Three Houses fandom is amazing.

"My only thing might be how Claude has become the first character you think of when talking about bi fe3h character which is kinda telling how wlw are dismissed in the general fandom, but its better than some people insisting he's totally straight so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

Okay, so I was kind of dancing around saying this to your last ask but you hit the nail on the head lol. I genuinely think the reason why the Deer might come across as less queer is because the "main ship" for them, so to speak, is the WLW pairing Hilda/Marianne.

Ironically when I think about bi fe3h characters my first thought is consistently Lindhardt?

"Oh and I think I disagree with Deers being the more family found-esq ( saying that bc it's a great subject of I discussion and I want to hear more about your opinion on the matter )

Okay so I definitely agree with you that they're all found family, explicitly in the text lol. What I meant in my statement that they're the most found-family-esq is that you get to see the development of ALL their relationships and becoming that family together on screen.

The Lions (a mess, and I love them), are pretty heavily involved with each other at the beginning of the game. A lot of the intrigue with them is the fact that they all have backstory stuff going on with each other (save for Ashe, I think, but we kill his dad on screen so). Mercedes and Annette went to Sorcery School together, Felix/Sylvain/Dimitri/Ingrid are all childhood friends with intense complications, and the trauma and deliberate kindness that brought together Dimitri and Dedue makes me emotional.

Similarly to them, the Black Eagles all have a history with each other (save for Dorothea) as well. There's the insane and amazing devotion between Edelgard and Hubert, Lindhardt and Caspar's childhood friendship, the onesided rivalry going on between Ferdinand and Edelgard since they were kids and Hubert's judgement of Ferdinand for it. Petra and Bernadetta, technically don't have pre-established relationships with the others, but in ways that are deliberately intense. Petra is blatantly a political hostage in the Academy Era in a way that really informs her relationship with Edelgard and Hubert even before they get to know her. Additionally Bernadetta's isolation creates a kind of infamy between her and the other nobles.

The Golden Deer, on the other hand, don't really have as many intense bonds going in (and thus, in my opinion, makes it easier for Byleth to integrate amongst them as an eventual equal). There's the preestablished dynamic of Lorenz being suspicious of and wanting to best Claude, but it's a recently developed dynamic, as Claude only appeared a year ago. This would be a bigger personal issue if he was leading a house like the Blue Lions or the Black Eagles (noble heavy as they are), but it's barely an issue in the Deer and not just because of the commoners. Hilda, Lorenz, Lysithea, and Marianne are not close. In all his supports with the three of them, Lorenz is the one reaching out because of his belief that their time in the Academy should be used to form better and closer connections with other nobles. There is nothing to imply that there was any substance to their pre-existing relationships. The only two who have anything to their relationship before the game starts, are Raph and Iganatz, who haven't spoken in years, mostly due to guilt on Ignatz's behalf for what happened to Raphael's family.

So as a result, you get to see the bonds being formed and deepened with the Golden Deer from scrap. Obviously some development happens off screen during the time skip, but other than that the Deer's found family forms and develops completely on screen, which is why I think it's the most found family-esq of the three.

In fact, it's a huge part of Claude's story. It's something you don't really notice in his route, but it's really clear when you don't pick him. While Edelgard and Dimitri kind of can't function and literally can't without Byleth's support, Claude has probably the highest survivability rate when you don't choose him of any character save technically Marianne. He survives the Blue Lions route, the Black Eagles route (if you spare him), and is implied to have survived the Silver Snow route. When he doesn't have Byleth, he still survives, so not choosing him isn't as dramatic. But it's easy to see that without Byleth as a teacher, he doesn't open up enough to the Deer. Dimitri and Edelgard have assured loyalty from their houses (even Ferdie and Felix) becuase of these pre-established relationships and positions, but Claude has to earn it. That's why Hilda, despite being his vassal, is recruit-able so long as you don't choose Black Eagles (the only route where he can die). Without Byleth, although the Deer do grow close, they don't do it as quick or as closely as they do with the Professor. Claude is a character who's never been able to truly rely on others, even if they care about him, and being able to rely on Byleth allows him to open up and rely on the Deer and truly trust them. I mean, Claude's two most relied upon people in the Deer (as seen in 3Hopes when he goes against Dimitri) are Hilda and Lorenz. I don't think people talk enough about how insane it is that Claude trusts Hilda Goneril with his life, considering he's an Alymran prince.

That's also why I think the Deer are so good for Byleth. I don't think any of the other route's are bad for Byleth at all, but I think the deer provide something to Byleth that neither the Lions or the Eagles can bring to her: a single of equivalency. Byleth is only slightly older than her students in the Academy Era and is in fact younger than most of them in the War Era, and yet it's only really with the Deer that she feels like she's amongst peers (whether it be because of the commoner/noble ratio or that she's as much of a stranger to them as they are to each other.) I mean, Claude is literally the only character who doesn't call refer to her by her Profession.

Anyways, TLDR: I think they're the most found family because a huge part of the Golden Deer route is them getting to know and love each other from scratch, and being a found family is a much bigger thematic aspect for them then it is for the other two houses.

"However, for me the deer and the diverse queer content around them is heavily a fandom thing. When I say the deer are "too straight for me", I meant it for the game directly. Like you have the Black Eagles where not only litteraly every characters is canon queer/has heavily subtext but has also its whole narrative drenched in queer metaphor! You have the Blue Lions where, while there's less "canon queer", you litteraly cannot say most of its members are straight with how heavy the subtext that's barely even subtext anymore is: there's 0 straight explanation for Felix crying more at Dimitri death than his wife, or him dying the same day as Sylvain because they can't live without each other."

"But for the Deers… You have Hilda/Marianne and Claude/Lorenz as the most popular one but while their relationship are so fascinating, when you only look only at the game, they feel too platonic? Especially compared to a Dedue/Dimitri ( like a family in private. took up a post at his grave for the most of his days. BURIED BESIDE EACHOTHER ) or a Ferdinand/Hubert ( rare A+ support, with blushing, their own little surname, Ferdinand/Edelgard support changing just to mention Ferdinand drinking coffee ). Otherwise you have Leonie/Lysithea which stop at B. You have Raphael/Ignatz where they decided to just push the relationship to make their ending all about Ignatz with his sister."

Okay, so I definitely agree with you that those things are canon queer and subtext, and that it's a shame they don't push the Raphael/Ignatz stuff and focus on Ignatz and Raph's sister (which is admittedly adorable to me).

Again, I'm aro/ace, so for me, queerness doesn't necessarily require romance as a prerequisite? Which is why I like Lorenz and Lysithea's ending, lol.

Hilda/Marianne in no way reads platonic to me, so I really disagree with you there. Hilda treats Marianne completely differently to how she treats everyone else in game. Their support chain is focused on how Hilda, who manipulates her way out of doing anything she doesn't want to, chooses to consistently over and over again do things for Marianne that she can't, and refuses to let Marianne feel bad over it. She leverages this into Marianne buying her pastries and them having a lunch date together. Their A support consists of Marianne questioning their regular dynamic of doing this and Hilda reassuring that she enjoys it so much she'd feel odd if it changed. They compliment each other to the point where Hilda starts to get a little flustered, and Hilda's even able to poke fun a little at Marianne and get Marianne to poke fun at her back. Marianne laughs at Hilda, and Hilda textually thinks it's adorable and can't even get mad at it because it's so cute. Marianne seems so genuinely happy and herself (even in negative ways!) with Hilda, and can rely on her in a way that doesn't make her feel inadequate or a burden.

I can understand as being able to view Claude/Lorenz as platonic, especially since I will never diverge from my Claude/Byleth endings, but I think they can also still be read pretty textually clear and potentially romantic. Part of this is Lorenz, who just, is very clearly gay to me? But again, part of this is the fact that a huge part of the Lorenz/Claude dynamic is them being viewed textually as equals, which is something that will and can never happen with Edelgard/Dimitri and their rival characters. Their support chain is all about getting to know and respect each other as they grow to care for one another, and while it isn't explicitly as romantic as Marianne/Hilda, I think their paired ending really speaks a lot for itself, in that Claude trusts Lorenz to be Fodlan's face of diplomacy towards Almyra. He trusts Lorenz to help him achieve his dream in the most direct way possible, something I think you can absolutely compare to his relationship with Byleth in their S-Support. Additionally about their support chain, their A-support really is about affirming to the player how close they've become, how fond they are of each other, and how neither of them can imagine the future of Fodlan without the other one in it. While there isn't a lot of direct text between Claude/Lorenz, I think there is absolutely enough subtext that you could read them romantically, especially from Lorenz's POV. The hard thing with this game is that each character needs to be able to be paired with Byleth, so they can never be textually obviously/blatantly in love with another character save for Byleth until their paired ending, and I think that absolutely holds doubly true for Lord characters, which is why I think Claude/Lorenz relies more on subtext.

I do think it's a shame that Lysithea doesn't have any A supports with women in her own house. Leonie like you mentioned is an adorable one, and I think Lysithea has a huge crush on Hilda in the ones with her, and there is definite potential in the one she has with Marianne (which in my opinion is a kinder, more gentle version of her supports with Ignatz).

I also think there's a few other support chains where there is a queer romance blossoming, they just don't get the chance to have an ending. A big one for me, personally, that I think deserved more, is Ignatz and Lorenz. I also think Leonie and Marianne's support chain was very cute, and deserved an A.

This is kind of what I was saying when I answered your last ask, I think, wherein the Deer have queer romance, but because the don't have a big blow up mlm ship (Claude is more often shipped with Dimitri + a lot of people aren't as fond of Lorenz as I think they should be lol), they kind of get sidelined as their big queer ship is WLW. And unfortunately in most fandoms, wlw ships are rarely as popular or have as much pushing force.

And also, I think, that the deer are queer without having as much romance. Their romantic pairings are far less set in store then the other two houses, I think, and part of that is because a lot of their endings read really queer platonic to me. Plus, a lot of the heavy romance lifting in the explicit text for a lot of supports tends to happen in the A/A+ region, and a several of the wlw/mlm golden deer pairings only go to B, which I think is a shame and forces them to rely more on subtext.

Additionally, because they're not the revolutionary or chivalry aligned House, a lot of their endings aren't written as...dramatically? Like I adore Felix/Sylvain to death (I have a print of them hanging next to my Claude one lol), but their childhood promise is very much the product of living in Faergus, similarly to how Hubert and Ferdinand's relationship is defined by them living in the Empire. I think because the Alliance politics are far less dramatic (or are far more dramatic in a visibly different way) the subtext for Claude and Lorenz's Romeo/Juliet for politics thing doesn't come across as huge as two characters who promised to die with each other as kids and keep it (insane I love them).

That's why in my original post I talk about loving how normal the Deer are, and I think ultimately a part of that comes from their setting: the Alliance. In my first play through, I specifically chose having my loyalties lie (in the initial meeting with the Lords) with the Alliance, because to me, someone who had no real context for the game, the Alliance was the closest thing to a democracy from what little we'd hard of each nation. Politics informs almost every aspect of the Golden Deer; sure it's played for angst and importance in the other two routes (Duscur/Sylvain's Crest Complex/Felix's problem with the chivalry system for the Blue Lions--with the latter two never being things that are textually resolved in the Kingdom's government--and Enbarr/those who Slither in the Dark for the Black Eagles), but Claude actually has to balance what other lords want in the War phase, and it's his ability to be so good at politicking that enables the Alliance to consistently remain neutral in the war. So a lot of the subtext stuff comes to fruition through the realm of politics in a way it doesn't entirely through the other two, if that makes sense. It's a huge gesture of love that Claude can trust Lorenz with his dream.

"The Deers are for me more like an actual close group of friend: their life are not going to revolve around each other like it does with the other houses, but they won't hesitate to come for that 5 years reunion to see the other. It's kinda like you say they're so normal in a good way! They tease each other but they don't hate each other in the way of a Dimitri/Felix, a Caspar/Petra, a Ferdinand/Hubert ( except for Lorenz but like, it's Lorenz ). They won't kill the other dad, but they'll sure as hell support each other like Lorenz and Ignatz or Marianne and Raphael. They might not start a revolution together but they will listen to the other even when it’s total heresy ( Leonie & Claude, such an incredible support :’) ) and help the other to reach their goal… I do agree with you it’s linked to not knowing each other before, but on that, isn’t knowing each other before more of a Lion thing than not knowing being a Deer thing? I don’t know, the BE are kind of a middle ground."

I both agree and disagree with what you've said here!

I think it's true, that in any route where you don't choose Byleth, the Deer are textually viewed much more as just close friends rather then found family, whereas I think if you chose their route they end up much closer (as I said above). I think the Black Eagles and Blue Lions have their lives, by nature, revolve around each other since they're literally all Nobles and thus part of the governning system of this world (with the exception of Dorothea). I think the Golden Deer have to make it a much more deliberate choice, and I do think it's something they do after the War in any route (assuming the majority of them have been allowed to live) because that sort of thing just forms a life long bond between people that's hard to shake without deliberate effort I can't imagine any of them truly wanting to put in.

They are normal! None of them hate each other! They don't have that sort of intensity, but they do have a lot of complexity that lends itself very well to found family. I think a big part of that complexity lends itself to the lack of killing (although I don't really think any of their parents deserve to be killed whether they've alive or dead?). The fact that Lorenz's dad has Claude's uncle killed (which when combined with Hilda, again, being a fucking Goneril is INSANE my man's two best friends are people who have reason to kill him for BOTH SIDES OF HIS ANCESTRY) and thus gets Raph's parents killed is something truly heartbreaking, and yet I think it's because there's no violence amongst each other or against the previous generation that characters like Claude (has had violence perpetuated against him for his heritage), Marianne (has had implied violence perpetuated against her for her crest), and Lysithea (has had violence perpetuated against her to get her second crest) are able to feel safe amongst the Deer. Violence is an intense choice, but I think lack of violence should also be viewed as something deliberate and chosen, esp. in the world of Three Houses. I mean, throughout Verdant Wind Claude is constantly complaining about the perpetuation of violence caused by the War! He's someone who deliberately chooses direct harm reduction. Although, to in fact speak of violence, I think it's absolutely insane that Hilda "I refuse to die for my friends" Goneril will willingly die for Claude "DO NOT DIE FOR MY SAKE FLEE PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU RETREAT" von Riegan's sake.

I do think that the Golden Deer are the most similar to a modern queer friend group and thus would be the easiest to make a 1:1 comparison, but again the events of the game do kind of necessitate that they are found family because they go through a war together. Their group dynamics are probably the most influenced by Byleth (Dimitri and his relationships with others while "mad" of course, aside), and it's really hard to make generalizations about them because again, the fact that she is not there to facilitate these close bonds makes it a lot harder for them to be as close as they are before the war as they end up being, although even without Byleth I still think they're exceedingly close. But yes, I agree, they do not live in each other's pockets, which does not make them any less found family, but does, probably, make them healthier in modern context lol.

(As a side note about Byleth and the house leaders: I think what she visibly provides to Edelgard and Dimitri is a lot more obvious than what she provides to Claude. She helps the both of them in maintaining themselves and not loosing themselves to the burden of leadership and trauma. Claude, however, is a character who has been handling both of those things alone, and we are shown that he is capable of handling them alone without massive cracks appearing in Three Houses. Claude does not need Byleth to live, as the other two directly do. Byleth gives Claude someone consistent and trustworthy to rely on, which opens him up to being able to do it with the other members of his house far easier then he's able to otherwise.)

Anyways! I think the Golden Deer are very queer, just more subtextually so then the Black Eagles and Blue Lions. I personally view a lot of the straight endings, so to speak, as queerplatonic (again Lorenz/Lysithea and honestly Leonie/Ignatz). Romance is a pretty easy metric to view queer storytelling through, but I don't think I'd see Sylvain as any less of a queer character if he didn't have his paired ending with Felix because of how his story is written. In a similar way, I think characters like Ignatz (wanted to be a painter, but it's not what his family wants for him; yearns to be creative and is self conscious about people thinking it'll interfere in his duties and has to learn to accept himself and his true dreams) and Marianne (sees herself as a monster that other people won't accept if they knew the true her and what she's hiding) are also queer without needing to be in romances, which is why the fandom gets a lot out of them subtextually.

Acceptance, I think, can be viewed as a very queer theme, and I think it's a prominent one within the Deer.

#twila talks #the golden deer #fe3h #verdant wind #claude von riegan #hilda valentine goneril #lorenz hellman gloucester #marianne von edmund #ignatz victor #raphael kirsten #leonie pinelli #lysithea von ordelia #claurenz #marihilda #thank you again for the ask anon I really enjoy discussing this with you!!#I don't think we necessarily disagree so much as have different interpretations of the text and i've enjoyed hearing yours and sharing mine #we needed more wlw stuff in the golden deer supports!!! in the game!!!#everyone should be bisexual in fire emblem it's a dating sim first and sexy chess second skdfhskjdfh

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raisinchallah · 8 months ago

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bothers me when people make things like practical effects good cgi bad whatever because i feel like nobody understands how to articulate what they like or what they dont u have simply forgotten the generic nonsense of practical effects years or the sheer inventiveness especially of experimental cgi before things solidified into sort of expected styles you know like the often forgettable house style of most of the star trek ships that were all hand crafted physical models vs the totally out there unique and intriguing babylon 5 cgi ships in the realms of tv sci fi i know ok anyways this post is about the visual style of the new doctor who stuff not sure how its wearing this budget from the new trailer it kind of reminds me of like the blandness and vague unreality yet not really uncanny artistically underwhelming look of like strange new worlds and other kinda eh sci fi shows these days idk if everything simply looks the same these days because i spend too much time watching sci fi stuff from very disparate eras all back to back so it feels like each thing has its own distinct look but idk i like theyre bringing back color but both the costume design and visual effects has this really odd plasticy unweathered look to it while also still being to visually cluttered and mushy to really pull out like distinct bright colors or go for a more technicolor type look compared to say previous styles where the places felt like places or felt like sets im not sure what i think of the perfect curated plasticy look combined with an over abundance of cgi that also kind of looks like any other cgi like the dinosaur shot looks like literally any other shot of dinosaurs post jurassic park so things feel neither inherently real or inherently fake as a stylistic choice to lean into the problem is not so much too much cgi but the lack of a distinctive intentional style that makes it feel unique or like terribly artistic and that instead of the wardrobe or even the more grounded historical sets and costumes still have a sense of more looking like other things on tv (namely bridgerton) than looking like itself there feels like there isnt really a distinctive style settled on to keep things feeling harmonious or intentionally taking more wild stylistic swings idk i am perhaps too much of a pedantic hater but we shall see..

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beevean · 7 months ago

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And onto Rush Adventure now:

-Tbh at first i wasnt sold on the materials grinding for ships but later liked how it gives you a reason to improve your scores on the levels so you can get more. Idk i usually dont care abt scores but w the external motivation? Yea

-Same w the misions, good way to have lil extra stuff to do (that said why did they block the sound mode songs behind misions. Game pls my internet makes opening youtube an odyssey and now this too? Cruelty 😔)

-Oh and also the ship minigames! Its fun to have a map you can explore, and the races w Jhonny for the chaos emeralds are way better than the Surely Existing special levels (also srry if i got his name wrong lmao)

-Onto the soundtrack; its more broad compared to rush, and each song does matches well the enviroment. I like the tropical coastal vibes of the main town n training level, and oh man. Sky babylon and deep core my beloveds who literally got engraved in my neurons so hard i was struggling reading hours later bc the darn tunes kept playing in the background of my skull. Well scratch that all the tunes keep playing on the bg of my skull rn, what kind of eldritch curse is this). So yes good ost 👍

-Overall the aesthetic n vibes are also more broad with that tropical relax overtone, its quite nice. The difficulty is also way more forgiving (i mean i played on easy but that's the mode the game came in) and the tutorials with the controls are helpful (yes i struggled with the jump dash in the previous game how can you tell)

- The story is also more calm and silly goofy but in a good way (can def see what ppl mean by the diff eras in sonic writing there). I also liked Whisker being the main but kinda dumb villain for funnies vs the eggmans being a bigger threat)

-I liked the scene in the coral cave where Blaze appears bc my mind was half "haha i knew we were in Blaze's world, neat" and " weeee hi Blaze, game of the year :D"

-Marine was also neat, liked her silly dynamic of cheerful kid who is a bit too full of herself and is kind of a brat abt it, and how she later learns to admit her own limits :) And the koala villagers were neat too i like their designs :)

Overall thank you for letting me ramble into your ask box abt these games, its been fun :D

lmao yeah it's a nice incentive! I think the only other game that gives you a reward with higher ranks is Unwiished (another Dimps game), where the higher the rank the more medals you get.

also sonic 🤝 hector:having to earn their crafting materials

The missions are a good way to extend the gameplay, but IIRC some of the Sol Emerald missions were brutal... I have flashes of the Blizzard Peak mission.

The waterbike was genuinely really fun and I hated that it was considered the "worst" vehicle for travel :( I don't like the submarine, let me travel the world on my tiny waterbike while the best music plays :( also yeah the Special Stages with Johnny are original! Certainly more than Half Pipe 50.0

SRA'S OST was composed by veterans Tomoya Ohtani and Mariko Nanba while trying to recreate Naganuma's style. Definitely unique and underrated. Sky Babylon used to be my favorite too! But there are so many tracks that IMO deserve more love, like Haunted Ship, Blizzard Peaks, the boss theme and Whiskers & Johnny <3

Funny to think SRA came out one year after '06, widely criticized at the time for being too melodramatic :P Whiskers is also a nice case of Eggman being the twist villain for once! Although the credits of the "bad" ending spoil him and Nega, lol. Not that Whiskers looks mysterious himself... eh you get it.

Marine seems to have been reevaluated recently, like many things from the 2000s. I remember that back then no one could stand her and her Aussie accent lmao, precisely because she was an annoying brat. She is still mildly underrated, but I think the modern fandom generally "forgave" her because they understood that she was meant to be a foil for Tails, who is more insecure.

(two fun facts: in some countries, SRA initially got a 12+ rating because Marine says "bugger", which is pretty mild for Aussie slang but is much stronger for American standards. Also, Marine is Australian because in original she speaks in Kansai-ben, and I guess that was a way to recreate the cultural connotations! That and koalas :P)

You're welcome, you're free to rant at any time <3

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic rush adventure

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vermillioncrown · 1 year ago

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eh, it doesn't really read as sanctimonious. makes sense. do you do anything in particular to develop the internal worldview of characters and how they "tick", besides writing interactions? do you keep character profiles or anything of the like? have a good day, and thanks for answering the first ask :)

okay good, it might have sounded a little "touch grass" for a minute there...

hmm...i don't do formal "character building exercises" or the like. even those character questions tire me out.

but yeah i keep notes. example of older notes that have little points of character development or relevant parts of them popping up per chapter, vs the overall notes above the timeline (tim and jason were harder to nail down so i needed notes vs dick):

or as @rozaceous has laughed at me... tallies and excel sheets, but those are so spoilery it's not even funny, but it'll be very funny to show when we get there bc. yeah.

not organized like a profile, but the main drive to write is something about this character sticks out at you (if fandom-related), thus let yourself imagine whatever scenario about that character with that salient point as a start.

example: dick grayson accidental child acquisition bc he's the one nice enough for a "child" to approach + looks old enough + plausible reason to be away from oversight -> build out connection to his job, history, where he is in canon, current connections. and i didn't figure out everything since ch 1; it's like peeling an onion lol. and as long as you don't overdo what you depict, you always have room to reveal and develop more

(example, i didn't think too hard on his relationship w bruce, tim, and jason until i had to. but the room i left in how it was only about his interactions with korvin + him being someone mission focused out of necessity and habit means you don't have to constantly sadboi introspect)

(another thing is...people usually don't introspect too deep if they're decisive and take action a lot. they can't afford to. and people don't completely know themselves, so it's okay to be wrong, as long as their wrong answer leads to a logical wrong conclusion)

(or you're writing someone completely bonkers and loose, then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but they still have their internal logic)

i balance between "lol wouldn't it be funny/sad/emotional if..." and vetting for the blorbo in question to connect it back to their canon. because the first part drives the desire to write, and the second makes the what-if have impact imo.

(you can kinda see that process happen simultaneously when i answer au what-ifs--unless something got posed where the central conceit was too far removed from the original point of the divergence)

when i don't need to iron out details i usually don't note it down, because i can always refer back to my previous bits or it's very obvious to me from the canon. if it's a difficult aspect to nail down, i take notes and keep them as an example to refer to.

i also walk a fine line between depicting idiosyncrasies vs flanderization. people are creatures of habit, right? but it's too easy to use that as a way to easily make characters distinguishable that it's like an overwrought performance rather than one of many traits in a complex individual. i keep habits in mind bc they're usually easy enough to remember by the time i'm writing out a whole thing vs note taking.

e.g. i wonder if you notice that in dick in my chapters doesn't swear much until he's under duress? he's very controlled, very practiced in keeping the mood light, such that it's just part of his internal narration.

Vs. babs, i have her more readily to be sharp and swear bc that's indicative of someone who's less outward facing on the daily compared to dick (she's only 2-3 years out from her injury and becoming oracle, and you need to imagine how someone who used to be so able as to be batgirl would feel to lose use of her legs. even if she does eventually accept her new state of being, it still sucks to say the least)

he's also an adult with a job (haha real life example), so his immediate concerns are very different from tim's as a comparison point.

there's not a hard formula. just take notes as you think (notepad, phone, computer), use the fun of blorbos and fandom to motivate you, and don't be afraid to revise and correct yourself. and don't let organization paralyze you (don't let perfect be the enemy of good).

uh...the easiest things for me to keep in mind are: vocab (internal and external voice), initiative (active/reactive or passive person), and mindset focus (do they introspect more or spend more time observing others)? -> and then i build out from there

and when you finally write something, read it out loud to yourself. make different voices. it's pretty easy to find when someone will say a thing vs if no one on their life would say that vs only an anime character would say that

#inquiry #Anonymous #writing #verm is helping #or whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#but this only works for the type of fic/narrative i do #if you're doing more artsy or thematic writing characters don't need to be that fleshed out bc that's not the point #i am sorry man...my entire life i've been used as the ''why tf did this person do that???'' vent board #so i'm a senior person knower. filth reader.#going back to establish a methodology for this when i'm not studied in lit or writing or psych is 🥴🥴🥴#final piece of advice is examining what you consider as implicit ''default'' for a person #and this isn't in a woke way. we all have biases.#so knowing that means you can recognize if you're reskinning your defaults somewhere it wouldn't make sense

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elecalice · 1 year ago

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Something happy for this blog.

I remember as a kid I liked fighting games. One of my first games that I played in my life was Pocket Fighter on the PSX. I remember also enjoying the Marvel VS Capcom games, like 1 and especially 3. (I remember Zero being playable being one of the reasons I got into Mega Man again and sticking with it as THE my biggest special interest to this day)

But I haven't played that much fighting games after that. I was casual about it.

Never played KoF even if one of my DA friends, Ridley, did really funny KoF comics. But I remember being embarassed by my interpretations of Kyo and Iori. (But I was on puberty, early teens, at that time. So, eh) I couldn't think well of KoF without remembering those embarassing first ideas.

2016, thanks to a currently-former friend, I learned about Fightcade on it's first version. We played games like the one of Capcom's D&D games and Puzzle Bobble.

And at a Discord server related to a group of Spanish-Speaking Youtubers, I played against someone on Fightcade who was more into fighting games. It was my first time playing Garou and KoF 2003, as well as other games. In Garou, I remember loving playing as Hotaru, and my opponent hating her. (Lol)

While in KoF 2003, I don't remember my teams, I think I remember one of the characters that I played being as Hinako. (I wish to meet that guy again, but I got kicked by the server due to my inactivity, which is understandable)

I didn't remember those plays until I checked my account's record and... Yeah! But I lost all of those games. (Lol)

It was this year that I watched Thorgi's Arcade's videos. I think the first video was between the Mega Man Fighters one or the Unused Street Fighter characters. And I really loved those videos. They're fun, interesting ideas, and I'll admit, I want to create a Battle Network fighting game. I even choose some characters for it.

Then I binge-watched his SNK retrospesctive videos, Fatal Fury and ESPECIALLY the King of Fighters retrospective videos. I loved those videos. Now my inner shame towards KoF left, now I think about KoF positively. I know more about the games, the characters... I think I should play those games. (And Return to Garou. Rock is SO cool!)

Then I watched more of his Build the Roster videos, and then his first part about Street Fighter Retrospective. I LOVED the video.

And I'll admit, I initially fell for Vega. But, this is a funny anecdote in retrospective. I saw fanart of him with Remy. I was like "Huh? Remy? I need to check about him" and I was mesmerized by this angry edgy frenchboi. I prefer Remy over Vega, I think that's cool... And It kinda sucks because Remy's is a "Either you love him or you hate him" character, as well as being forgotten by Capcom and the SF fans. Oof... But yeah! I said it! I love this angy frenchboi! If you have a problem with me, then fight me! In Fightcade (?

But yeah. After that, I waited and even showed up on the next parts since premiere. And yes, I was SO happy when the III's part was about to premiere, that I RUSHED to buy snacks and go back to enjoy the video on premiere.

Yes. I became fixated on Street Fighter at that level. I love the characters, I love me some fun characters.

I tried 3rd Strike. Played the Arcade run offline. I wanted to play as Remy, but I thought Makoto would be a easy entry. I was wrong. But eh, Makoto's cool. I like Makoto.

Then I had the inner confidence to play as Remy. I needed to get used to the controls (And configure the best position. Did I mention that I play with a KEYBOARD? Thankfully not the laptop one) and yeah. I love playing as Remy! Not only because of my Comfort Character/Husbando bias. But because he's just fun and I like his playstyle. I completed the arcade run better with him compared to my previous run as Makoto.

And accidentally I played as Alex with remaining credit. He was fun to play, and I fought him against Remy, which is poetic-ly ironic and funny. But didn't completed the run because I wanted to stop playing.

When my friend visited my house, I decided to show the game, and I decided to play as Elena SA1. He choose which character I should fight against. And damn, I was good with Elena! And I'm okay with, because I love Elena! She's so cute and motivating!

So yeah, I'll be maining Remy and Elena! And I think that's funny as well, because both characters are complete opposites of each other. Really worthy of memes.

But yeah, I haven't fought someone on Fightcade because I don't feel ready yet. Also again, I'm more of a casual player.

Meanwhile, Remy helped me to get better on drawing anatomy, more variation on it. Like muscles, head shape, I need to get better on drawing. I want to learn more about muscles and more dimensions, so that I can draw more characters with varied body forms. Remy's a good start, because his body is like the usuals that I mostly draw. Then I'll try to progress with other characters. I want to draw Alex eventually.

So yeah! Fighting games can be useful for me to get better!

I love fighting game characters! I REALLY love characters and their varied ways they can express themselves!

I love the variaty in fighting games! I mean, Street Fighter's fun! KoF is fun!

I wish to get more into fighting games! I wish to draw more fanart of fighting games! Or at least the ones that I like. Like Street Fighter and Cyberbots. I love Cyberbots.

So yeah! Positivity!

If you want to get into fighting games, go ahead!

Check for games that you're interested to try! Check those games, select a character that looks cool for you, and try to play. Initially it's confusing. But then you learn how to experiment and play with your character. After a while, your gameplay will make sense. Or just have fun, which is the most important part, after all.

Fighting games can be intimidating, especially if you watch FGC footage done by people who are so good on their plays. But, take it as motivation! Like "Woah. I want to try that.".

If a game is not for you, that's okay! Try to check another one!

If fighting games in general are not for you, that's also okay!

The most important part of playing, is to have fun! Don't pressure yourself to get better. Get better because you want to be better.

...That's surprisingly motivational. Huh.

But yeah. Fighting games are cool. And I want to play more. (But I need to get my life together first)

#fighting games #fighting game positivity #I think?#elec blog #elec talks about video games

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thoughtsbyharu · 2 years ago

Text

Born Pink Album Thoughts

My thoughts regarding Blackpink's 2nd Full Album

Hello and Hi!

A little bit overdue but this is gonna be a short review of Born Pink album.

Born Pink is the second full album of Blackpink, a south korean girl group under YG entertainment.

Just a PSA: I'm a Blink so I might be a bit biased with my opinions ><

I remember the hype of this last year because they rarely release comebacks! The moment I heard there was a FULL album, I immediately pre-ordered all versions.

Anyways, this review will be super short compared with the one I did with Olivia's Sour album so without further ado, let's go!

1. Pink Venom

Rating: 8/10

Thoughts:

Ok don't be mad but on first listen, I absolutely hated the chorus. I love everything except that chorus. But well since I keep streaming, it kinda grew on me 😂 Now it's my freakin anthem lol.

JenLisa rap parts were fire and ChaeSoo bridges were amazing! The "Blackpiiiink" chant was amazing as well. We sounded like a cult when we were chanting it on the concert ><

2. Shut Down

Rating: 9/10

Thoughts:

I LOVE this song no matter what anyone says. For me, it's one of their best title songs Jisoo's chorus part is fire, what a bias wrecker. I like the mix of classical La Campanella strings and modern beats. Also, the MV gave me goosebumps and made me cry a little. I've been a blink since their debut and seeing them reference and recreate their previous MV scenes made me realize that they made it despite all the hate that they got. My girls came so far 🥺

Also the lyrics?? Like hello! It's obviously for those who are dragging them down. My favorite lines are "Bunch of wannabes that wanna be me, me three of I was you" and "Praying for my downfall many have tried baby" like yes girls tell 'em!

Whip it whip it whip it is hard to pronounce tho haha

3. Typa Girl

Rating: 8/10

Thoughts:

This song has been stuck in my head for months. I lost count of how many times I had this on repeat haha. I absolutely love the beats and the line, "I bring money to the table not your dinner".

Lyrics is a bit of a pick me girl moment but eh, it's good and catchy 🤷‍♀️

Also, has anyone watched their Coachella set for this song??? The choreo? The creative direction?? EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT. Blackpink headlining Coachella is well deserved 👏👏

4. Yeah Yeah Yeah

Rating: 7/10

Thoughts:

A song written by Rosie and Jichu! Finally members getting credited amirite?? I actually like it. It's kinda perfect for encores and ending their concerts. Has a retro vibe.

GIF is from yours truly~ They sang this song in Born Pink Bulacan!

5. Hard to Love

Rating: 10/10

Thoughts:

My absolute favorite. This is what I expected Rose's solo to be like haha. OTG and Gone are good but Hard to Love is THE song for her. This song is stuck in my playlist for months. The guitar is just ❤️❤️

Please Rosie sing this on your tours or concerts I'm begging you.

6. The Happiest Girl

Rating: 7/10

Thoughts:

It's a pretty...sad song. The lyrics hurt my heart and soul. Maybe it's a song when you are going through a breakup.

I was shookt when Lisa sang! She has such a pretty voice.

I gave it a 7 score bc well it's not really my cup of tea (don't attack me pls). It's good tho don't get me wrong but personally won't have it on repeat.

7. Tally - 10/10

This song is one of my faves. It has a pretty great message about just being yourself and never minding what other people says.

For me, this song reflects them SO much. Let's be honest here, they've been through so much unneccessary hate. Everything they do, no matter how small, is just always under scrutiny. Like, give them a f**cking break 🙄 So yes, I imagine that this is THE comfort song for them. We say f*ck when we feel it \m/

8. Ready for Love

Rating: 7.5/10

Thoughts:

I actually like this song why do other Blinks shade it so much 😅

The bridges are probably my favorite! Jisoo + bridges are such a good combination

-----------------------------------

Top 5 Songs:

Hard to Love

Tally

Typa Girl

Shut Down

Pink Venom

---------------------------------

Overall Score: 8.3/10

#born pink #album thoughts #blackpink #pink venom #shut down #typa girl #yeah yeah yeah #hard to love #happiest girl #tally #ready for love

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sillyfudgemonkeys · 1 year ago

Note

Question, why're you so hateful towards any and all things that has happened with persona games post p5?

What is the problem with p3reload? I literally cannot find any problems well apart from the well worn down complaints of the lack of femc and answer.

If this is about the Ken post, I think it's fair I'm a bit miffed that (SEA) Atlus posted that. TT0TT Otherwise, I'm going to be assuming this is just a reaction of seeing my other posts. XD

Now....hateful? P5.....most likely, I mean I went from loving it to....well... I felt betrayed (I've gone into my issues with P5 time and time again on this blog tbh TT0TT If you want more specifics I'll can go into it again but not atm for this post to save time ;w;). All in all P5 broke my sanity, I used to be very excited for it, but it turned sour when I actually saw how.....much it sucked.

P3 is salt. I'm pissy. I'm just angry at the choices made. It's something I love that's just.....it just has so many issues tied to it now (I do like some stuff, I do like the new singers voice BUT I hope they allow us to play OG tracks, but that goes for any remaster/remake). This broke me into going villain era ("you aren't making those posts anymore silly" I know I have other stuff outside the internet sadly ;w; orz if I wasn't wiped every day I would be showing my distain on every Atlus post but alas I can't I must pick and choose my battles and if it means bitching on here I'll at least take that orz)

Tbf to P5, I love Kamo's arc. I'll always stand by that. After that it gets complicated.

Spinoffs in general I really just don't like the......non direction the P5 spinoffs have had compared to P4. Arena/Q1/Ultimax were like a mini narrative. P4D was a send off. P5's are....aimless. But that's not hateful, that's just frustration with the direction. (I'm thinking it's cause the team got restructured so.....random events go I guess it's whatever). Like as burned out of P4 as people were for the P4 spinoffs (a bit unfair since 3/4ths were also P3 spinoffs TT0TT), they had some great writing highlights in the franchise and were released in a very natural way. (and the hype of announcing 3 games alongside P5's teaser? Oh god that was fun!)

P3/5D I'm.....very upset with how Atlus handled it. It's price gouging (wanting $60 for each game SEPARATELY), lacking content compared to the previous game P4D (less story and less songs, again P3/5D are counted as two separate games), and horrible timing. The latter is that....P3 didn't have a modern console for people to play on. Atlus screwed P3D over. They should've used this opportunity to funnel the new P5 fanbase into the older games, but instead of focusing on porting P3/P4 over ASAP within that year (which would come to hurt the next game), they pushed for P3/5D instead and didn't give it a fighting chance. Now P5D is screwed in a way that....P5D didn't have the best song selection, like P3/4 could pull from MULTIPLE games and animes, P5 only had P5 and an anime airing. P5D should've happened later, maybe as a send off like with P4. TT0TT (I think timing for P3/5D right now would've been great, considering it feels like we're ending the P5 era and P3R is coming out. I'm hoping they port P3/5D or give us a sequel/remake now would be the BEST time).

PQ2 I'm upset because the lore and how things work are fundamentally fucked over (only a minority may care or notice but it's there TT0TT), like it literally was "P5 broke me 2, electric boogaloo". And I hate how P5 focus it is....esp when I don't think they do much with the story that's meaningful. Love it has FeMC in it (one of the best highlights), love that Yosuke/Teddie are finally written closer to their original game counter parts (outside P4D). Sad that it feels like they game constantly licks P5's boot for some reason (it feels very one sided compared to the equal praise P3/4 did in it's era). I don't mind Hikari but I'm kinda......eh on the PQ2 story as a whole. Was excited to see Climax Theater again only for it to be....eh. The worlds felt eh compared to PQ1. It just felt like an all around downgrade in story compared to PQ1 (it def has better characterization, tho I want to attribute some of PQ1's flanderization to the translators, also to PQ1's benefit.....flanderizing was to help give all the cast members screen time, which PQ2 doesn't do well). I hate that FeMC and P3MC barely interact even tho that was a big freaking advertising point. TT0TT The cast is too bloated, I like to say PQ2 would be better without P5 (it would), but really we need to cut a team. If they wanna keep the FeMC/P3MC plot line then we gotta cut either P4 or P5 (if we gotta change some story/setting I'm fine with that too). Hell, I'm fine with a PQ2 game with just P4/5 and no P3. But the game is just too bloated atm. TT0TT Also Atlus screwed this one too, 1) by not having P3/4 ports available yet, but also 2) putting it on a dead console. orz they really had no fighting chances.

P5R it's.....unnecessary tbh. I like the 3rd semester, but Sumi/Maruki would've been better suited for a spinoff game. One were we could just focus on them and not have to slog through a game that barely anything changed. Also really? 3 years? And we need an updated release? AND IT'S NOT DLC??? Fuck, at least FES The Answer you had an option to get the updated version or buy the Answer itself at a lower price (basically the PS2 ver of DLC). And at least the portable ports of P1-4 were on a different console. P5R is doing this ON THE SAME DAMN CONSOLE. It's BS. Feels like a cash grab like P3/5D were. (I probs prefer vanilla more than Royal tbh, even tho I love Sumi and like Maruki).

P5S......I just....thought it was bad. Felt hollow, like not enough social stuff and too much focused only on gameplay (aka not enough balance, if you ignore the gameplay you're left with.....not a lot). There's issues with characterizations at time (not that P5 was consistent to begin with but still). Like P5 I'm fine with the premise of the story, I hate the execution. While playing I was like "Wow this game doesn't understand P5....I feel sorry for P5!" I was appalled at how they handled some of the villains. Gameplay is fine, just wish there was more to do outside the gameplay. Annoying P5R couldn't be more involved in this (timing is just all over the place with these games wtf atlus??? TT0TT), it lacking P5R isn't a break it for me I just find it to be VERY odd. Esp since they released it after P5R???? At organize it like you did with Arena and P4G, it'd be less strange. TT0TT

P5 anime fucked up Kamo's dungeon didn't want to touch it after that. I don't think I'm in the minority of people not liking the anime.

P5 manga, need to catch back up but I didn't mind the first two dungeons. Liked the new additions. I'm probs in the minority.

P5MM manga: it's ok. Love the artist. Story started off strong but ended up kinda meh at the end.

P5 Daybreakers OVA: I like it a lot. Wish we had more like it.

P5T: Nothing against it atm actually. TT0TT I'm liking the pink villain so far (so far she's being handled better than Alice! YAY!). I really like the new spinoff only chars of this game so far (I'm neutral/positive leaning on the other's but I don't LOVE them). Atlus' statements on the timeline of this game is confusing, and if it IS non-canon to the main timeline I find it very shitty of them to only say that AFTER people have bought the game. ;w; Other than that...uhhh DLC is my only other issue (which I haven't brought up a lot, barring P5S, and on the lower end of PQ1/2, DLC has been ASS with the P5 era games. Like P4D DLC was ass too ;w; And Arena/Ult/Q1 weren't great either, so it didn't start with P5, but it got worse with P5). It's not the WORST DLC practice they've done, but it's still not great. DX

P5X: Nothing to say here, we vibbing. Like what I see so far. Sad it's a gatcha but que sera sera I guess. Probs my fav overall P5 spinoff so far.

P3P/P4G ports: Eh audio this, AI background that. I'm just happy these mfers are finally ported. TT0TT Now do it again with P1/2!

Ultimax Port: Just happy it's ported tbh. Shame they couldn't add a new route (since this game's writing needed a bit more ironing out).

Now P3R.........I think people being upset about the lack of FeMC/Answer is completely valid and talked about for a good reason. Hear me out! A big reason me and a lot of other people have been clamoring for a P3 remake is because we wanted to FINALLY have a complete version of P3. Both Journeys and AT LEAST one Answer (two would be great, but the bar is in the GROUND right now, we're asking for the BARE MIN TT0TT). Then P3R is released and............nope we get another non complete version of P3. It's not just FeMC/Answer fans who are upset. It's the fact we can't have it all in one STILL. And it's not just "one complete game" It's about "One complete story" we lack being able to experience the full story of P3. ;w; *spoilers for key elements of the Answer below* (I just want all three journeys to be treated with respect, but Atlus cutting the FeMC and Aigis journeys....it just puts a bad taste in my mouth and causes issues in the fandom).

(hell the manga, movies, and stage plays NEVER made an Answer adaptation, and the manga/movies never pulled a P4tGA for FeMC either! If they were upset with how they first made The Answer they could always rewrite it at this point and keep the key elements which spoiler: Wild Card Aigis, Metis appears, Erebus fight, Liz leaves, and everyone grieving and then finding out the reason behind the Seal. Like I'm pissy as a FeMC fan first and foremost, but I'm very upset as a Metis fan about the lack of Metising I get to see TT0TT)

I also don't like the look, I hate the lighting and the new art style (I got into Persona cause of Soejima's art style tbh, so I'm vibbing more with ReFan and P5X) and (esp) models (I could overlook the art style if I didn't hate how the models look so much). They look plastic, the heads are overly round and it throws me off (like how Anne's head portrait go more circle in P5R compared to P5 vanilla/P5S), and their....facial features....it's probs cause I'm used to Soejima....but something abt them feels off like they're smooshed. I dunno. The environments outside Tartarus looks like shit with the shitty lighting. "Oh it's just the lighting" well it keeps taking me out of it along with everyone's plastic looking helmet hair.

I'm not the biggest fan of some of the UI. (did I ever finish that post? I don't think I did sigh I gotta dig it up if I didn't TT0TT).

I'm sad about certain gameplay changes (lack of tired system esp, but lack of splitting up and such as well). It was a big identity to P3 that I loved and it being gone now is.....sad ;w;

I'm happy about other gameplay changes (and aspects I've had on my wishlist have come true, such as expanding on P3MC's friendships w/male chars in these new eps or even expanding on Strega). But what I'm happy with so far is mostly the social gameplay additions/changes, not so much some of the combat/exploration changes.

I don't really care about the voice changes for the english version. I know other people are but I'm eh. I'm sad we're missing Yumi and have a new singer. I like the new singer, tho I'm eh on some of the covers (as long as we get the OG tracks to swap to I'm gucci, but I'm good regardless). Only issue with the new singer is they......hired ANOTHER new person??? I feel a bit bad for Mayumi (FeMC singer) and Shuhei (PTS, anime sequel to P3, and P3P op singer) who were already tied to P3 and were passed up on....ngl I would've loved more Shuhei. TT0TT Really drive the male vs female. Just....why did they pass up on them? Esp Shuhei? TT0TT

But I'd be able to overlook all these little things I hate about it......if they would JUST GIVE ME A COMPLETE VERSION OF P3. If they just gave me FeMC and Metis, I'd accept all the other stuff.

That being said, again I don't want to be gouged by DLC a fucking again. Which I fear is what WILL happen to FeMC/Answer...... but gd I'll choose the devil I like more and I'll take. I'll hate it but I'll freaking take it. But considering Atlus LOVES showing off day one DLC, and not a peep of FeMC/Answer anywhere....I'm feeling like we aren't going to get that even. orz.

And I know there's a tired counter "But that's extra work!" well consider this:

There's already a complete script (story wise, and planning wise)! P3R is working off an existing script, sure they've added stuff and tweaked other stuff, but it's not like they had to start from scratch. Same goes with FeMC/Answer, they have a baseline. They have assets they can work off of. (translators and new Eng VAs besides that)

Atlus already copied and pasted A LOT of the male events into the FeMC. Like the main story is nearly identical (maybe 20% has differences?) 14/22 SLs share the same people, with only 1 really being completely rewritten and the rest being nearly exactly the same outside a handful of dialogue. Music wise there's only 6 song differences and 1 additional new song. (tldr; they could totes be lazy and just copy and paste with slight differences I'll take it, small changes can still go a long way and it's something rather than nothing).

(related to point 2 but looping Answer in now) The dungeon and story beats are the same between male/female. So gameplay structure is the same. Answer's dungeon and areas is basically a copy and past assets (with some recolor) as well.

Atlus is a big boy studio, they aren't in financial straits like in the P4 era, they have big daddy Sega to help them. They can handle it. And it's been in development for a while, I'd rather they delay it and give me an actual full version like people voted for. (And yes, the votes included P3/FES/P when asked, not just P3 vanilla or male).

#silly asks #silly answers #persona salt

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ikuharaisabitch · 3 months ago

Text

Here's methodology for the survey and I recommend everyone to google what "nationally representative panel of randomly selected U.S. adults" means. Representative sample can be small and it doesn't affect validity of the results because number of people interviewed doesn't matter as much as how accurately said sample represent larger populace it is drawn from. Therefore previous poster's mention of how impossibly tiny subset of population was interviewed is absolutely meaningless and frankly, kinda dumb.

And I recommend people to maybe read the survey we're talking about and ponder on the suspiciously dareisay ... colonial differences in how international travel looks like.

Let's see an interesting image as well:

>By contrast, roughly a third or fewer have traveled outside their home country in India, Indonesia and the Latin American and African nations we surveyed.

>In India, Indonesia and the Latin American and African nations surveyed, only around 3% or fewer have been to five or more countries (compared to whopping 26% of USAsians). Majorities in these countries have not traveled internationally at all, but most say that if they had the opportunity to travel outside their country, they would like to.

I'm from Poland. For the unaware, it's an Eastern European country, formerly part of Soviet Bloc, now in European Union since 2004 which means right to travel freely thanks to Schengen Zone for around 20 years now. The distance to the border from the geometric centre of the country is usually around 300-400 kilometres (180-250 miles). Not much right? Joining EU also meant mass migration to western countries due to extreme wealth discrepancies between us and "the west". Now, let's see how many Poles have travelled abroad, eh? 66%

Yanks stop endless self victimisation challenge?

This site is just the 5% brokest americans telling each other americans are oppressed

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xiazats-mind · 1 year ago

Text

Rating the 2023 Scream Fortress cosmetics cause why not

Previous rating

The scale

0 Absolute Garbage 5 Average 10 Must Have

Jumping Jester

...eh. I wish I had more to say than 'eh' but I don't hate it and I don't like it

4/10

Last Laugh

I'm not sure if its just because I like jester characters in media or what, but this mask appeals to me. I...I like this.

7.75/10

Shortness Of Breath

A cool name, a helmeted style, and a generally nice looking cosmetic.

7.75/10

Warlock's Warcloak

A spooky cape for soldier, I can see this working well with the right outfit.

5/10

Dead Heat

To me, this is a cooler version of the PY-40 Incinibot head morph (which I already think is neat, 7/10)

8/10

Fiercesome Fluorescence

This is a factually better version of sniper's Glow From Below, a hat I have and have been meaning to giftapult it with it renamed "Giftapult This". At this point I might not even do it due to the history I have with it, and don't want it going to a bot. Anyways, this is decent head morph/hat

7.5/10

Splitting Headache

An animated saw splitting pyro's head in two; In my personal opinion the weakest of pyro's new hats

3.5/10

Blastphomet

Yet again the bonus cosmetics are some of the best in the crate; I love the wordplay and the fact that the left eye is closed to be inline with demo's missing eye.

8.25/10

Mad Lad

Another Mad Max-esque outfit; Again, haven't watched Mad Max, so I'm indifferent to this.

5/10

Stunt Suit

The three styles make this very versatile, which normally I praise, but this doesn't appeal to me

4/10

Thunder Dome

This is a worse version of this year's Blast Bowl, a cosmetic that I actually liked. It even has a version that makes it look like a sticky jumper grenade, like the Blast Bowl.

5/10

Bare Bear Bones

Ugh, I don't like this one. It just feels...kinda lazy? Not trying to diss the creator, they likely worked hard on this. I will say having the paints be a claw mark elevates this hat

Yeah, paint definitely required for this one.

Unpainted 3/10 Painted 4.75/10

Make Ogre

Yeah, heavy's cosmetics kinda suck this time around. Though I do appreciate the wordplay

4/10

Constructor's Cover

*struggles to find anything to say but eh*

4/10

Dell Dynamic

A neat little superhero hat for engi, would even pair well with the above cosmetic (probably 'cause they're in the same set)

6/10

Main Cast

Love the title, but that's it. Alternate styles remove the blood and/or foot cast if you want that

4/10

Medical Mummy

No. I hate the style with the band-aids (shown above). Its just so redundant and not in a amusing way. The other style removes it. I don't like this.

3/10

Power Spike

Now THIS is a cool piece of headgear; The team colored glowing hair and eyes is just *chef's kiss*. It also comes in a non-glowy version if that's your jam.

9/10

Carry-Van

Lots of word play in this particular crate, I like it. Anyways, this one's not bad. The scribbley drawings really gives this cardboard car some personality and the more I look, the more it grows on me.

7.5/10

Sharpshooter Shroud

...It's a solid five

5/10

Sightseer

This on the other hand, is a nice hat. The grizzled wizard looks speaks to me. The no beard style also gives it a little versatility

8.5/10

Classic Criminal

It alright. It has styles that removes the hat and both the hat and balaclava for some sweet, sweet versatility.

5/10

Concealed Convict

Again, its alright. I think my issue with this is the suit colors are too dull and washed out compared to spy's other suits. It comes with a non striped pants version if you desire.

4.75

Six-Eyed Specs

This is a pretty neat hat, I think what sells it for me is the ridges on the top of the head, its adds a bit of needed detail.

7/10

Spyder

This is a bit of a wacky piece that kinda like, a of course its a bonus cosmetic. *sigh*

7.5/10

Clown's Cover-Up

This is the 'has a different design for each class' multi class item that I typically like. Honestly, I can't look at this without thinking of the Payday heisters. Not saying that's a bad thing, mind you.

5.5/10

Demonic Dome

*sigh* Ehh

3.75/10

Ludicrously Lunatic Lunon Fedora

I imagine this thing would get very hot after awhile. Other than that, I don't have much to say about this crummy thing.

3.75/10

Mean Captain

This is the worst hat in the crate. Its just a hat with horns and a skull. There's nothing interesting here, no quirks that would make me want this. I'm sorry to the creator, but this feels really lazy.

2/10

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 cosmetics rating #a thought(tm) from xiazat's mind

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mugmegan · 2 years ago

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Happy New Years!

This is just self reflection for future me to read but anyone who sees this is free to read if they want.

Not gonna lie, in my timezone new years was 12 hours ago but I didnt want to write this then and I dont have much to write since 2022 was kinda eh for me. Though it was definitely better than previous years so hopefully that means I am on the road of progress? I just felt happier overall compared to the past.

2022 was marked by my passion for art growing rather than what was supposed to be more important which is starting my first year of uni. I expected univercity to be more, uhhhh...idk advanced? It just turned out to be highschool with extra steps or overall just felt like highschool because my classes were unsurprisingly not very advanced cause its first year I guess. Didnt feel like I leveled up my education at all. Kinda dissapointing to be honest but I am hoping it will get better as uni gets more complicated.

I feel like my understanding of the world grew a bunch but not enough to feel like a put together person yet.

Unironically I am gonna remember this year for art and animation. Its kinda dumb and emberrasing but I cant joke about it because it is just that true. I dont think its a bad thing but it would definitely be better if some of the things I valued the most were my own creations and efforts rather than other people's. Feels like I didnt give anything to this year to make it my own.

I read some books and fanfiction that I liked. And I looked at a lot of art people made and tried to improve my own through that.

Some stuff I saw this year were: Look Back, Chainsaw Man(manga and anime), Mob Psycho 100(anime), Spy x Family(manga and anime), Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid(anime), Tomm Moore's irish mythology trilogy (Secret of Kells-Song of the Sea-Wolfwalkers), Guellirmo del Toro's Pinocchio and The Tale of Princess Kaguya.

I loved all of this stuff and I think they all deserve a look back.

I dont know if I made any progress with family stuff. It feels the same. Maybe I managed to be closer with my parents?

Yeah thats about it.

#text #2022 #to 2023 #vent

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dollediary · 2 years ago

Text

He's Yours, But Am I?

pairings❥ jake x fem!reader

point of view❥ 3rd person

warnings❥ mentions of sex, body issues, dieting, signs of pregnancy, abandonment, slight verbal abuse, manipulation, unprotected sex

word count❥ 20.6k

genre❥ angst, smut

synopsis❥ falling in love with your friends with benefits is a difficult burden to carry. not using protection to feel closer to each other was fun until you missed your period, so what happens when your pregnancy test results come back positive? to you, it had been a dream come true; you knew you had to break the news to him eventually, and maybe you could finally confess your feelings to him. when you do finally tell him the news he tells you he isn't ready to be a father, requesting you to stop seeing each other. falling in love with your friends with benefits is a difficult burden to carry, but it in no way compares to being in love with your friends with benefits and having his child to carry.

note: i apologize for the absence. i was so emotionally invested in writing this story, so i just kinda lacked the motivation to wrote anything else. can't promise all of your previous requests will be fulfilled, but i'll do my best! please like, reblog, and interact as much as possible! it will help me get motivation to finish more stories and grant more requests. i'm super proud of this work, i think i'll do 3rd person from now on. i hope you all enjoy, let me know how you all like it!

"do you think i'm getting fat?" y/n asks her friend, chaewon, as she pinches her stomach, the almost unnoticeable weight gain making her frown at herself while she stood sideways in the mirror. chaewon frowns as she watched from the bed, she noticed y/n had been losing her glow ever since july ended, but she attributed it to their sophomore year in college that would be starting up again in weeks' time. y/n always lost her glow whenever school started back up.

"a little," chaewon replied honestly. "but that's normal! we've been eating well these days; it could just be a bloat, you know?" y/n thought about it for a second and nodded. that may have been the reason she's also been nauseous lately, too, having eaten more than her body could handle in the name of enjoying her summer break more. chaewon takes note of y/n's thoughtful silence, adding onto her statement, "we can always go to my pilates and yoga classes to change it back to normal if you want..?"

"maybe, i'm gonna wait a few days to see if it'll go down on its own first," y/n sighed, giving her reflection one last glance as she unfolded and pulled her oversized shirt down again, meeting chaewon on the bed with a jump and loud thud as she stared at the ceiling. chaewon only stared forward, continuing to watch tv as they stayed in a comfortable silence.

"you talk to hyunjin lately?" y/n asks chaewon, breaking the silence. chaewon only shrugs her shoulders in response.

"eh. how about you and jake?"

"we've been seeing each other in person more, and he's becoming more of a caller than a texter these days," she explains to which chaewon only responds with a hum of understanding.

"hyunjin and i are the kind who don't need to talk to each other everyday for our bond to be as strong as it is. when we're together, it's like he never left," the smile on chaewon's face awakens something in y/n: lovesickness. she pouts, but it's more of a pout of envy than jealousy, because she could never be jealous of her best friend.

"i wish i could relate," she groaned, turning to lay on her stomach as she receives a facetime call from jake. picking up the phone, she fights back a smile by biting the inside of her cheek. "hey, you!" her excitement comes out awkwardly, like a teenage girl trying to talk to her crush despite her heart and brain not cooperating normally like it had only seconds before.

"hey, y/n," he laughed, still not quite used to her shy demeanor on the phone. "you up to chill?" he asks, making y/n almost scream out a yes to him. but she couldn't, obviously. chaewon was over and she didn't want to kick her friend out just to hang out with a boy, especially knowing chaewon wouldn't do that to her.

"i would but my friend chae is hereㅡ"

"it's fine!" chaewon interrupts the girl, her head appearing behind y/n's in the tiny box as she waved to jake who responded with a nod. "i was just getting ready to head out soon," she walks closer, giving y/n a kiss on the cheek as y/n lowers the camera for privacy. "mwah. bye, i love you. let me know if the bloating goes down so i know whether to register you as my plus one for my next session."

"okay, okay. i love you too," y/n responds, chaewon leaving soon after. y/n finally moves her attention back to jake who was clearly eavesdropping the entire time with a cheeky smile on his face.

"bloating for what? are you on your period?" he asks, making her groan annoyed by his nosiness. "hey c'mon it's a natural thing, you can talk about it with me. plus, you know a period don't stop nothing but a sentence," he winks only making the girl groan more.

"you're gross," she gagged dramatically, making the boy burst out into a fit of laughter. "there's no way i'm having sex with you on my period," she added on, but he only laughed harder.

"why not? c'mon don't knock it till you try it! let's try it out today," he persists making her pout her lips as she thought about it. it could just be another thing she could cross off of her list of irrelevant things she did pertaining to sex.

"maybe, but i won't be getting my period for another week since i didn't come on it this week like the app said i would," she says, shrugging her shoulders. "huh. you didn't peg me to be the kind of guy who's into that stuff."

"oh, i'm not. but i think i'll be into anything that involves you, y/n."

"ugh, don't directly address me when you say things like that, you know how it gets me!"

"maybe i want you to get like that. how sexy is phone sex?"

"doesn't sound any better than real sex."

"maybe to you, i'm getting hard just listening to your voice."

"oh my god. goodnight, jake," y/n's eyes widened as she hung up, a small smile painting her lips.

waking up the next morning, and after immediately looking in the mirror, the bloating did not go down. a disappointed sigh left y/n's lips as she threw one of jake's sweatshirts over her tank top to cover the 'obvious' difference in her appearance as she made her way to campus, already dreading the day.

upon arrival, she met chaewon in their usual spots for their lecture, seeing the girl with coffee for the both of them. offering her friend a thankful smile, she took a sip of the coffee, eager for its bittersweetness to wake her up as it usually did. but her sip was quickly, and secretly spit back into the cup as an indescribable amount of disgust flooded her taste buds.

"jesus, who pissed in this coffee? it's disgusting," the girl asked, making her friend's eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. she'd known y/n's order by heart; it's been prepared by the same worker for months. y/n's never been dissatisfied with the taste of the coffee before.

"he's prepared it the same way he does every morning, so i'm confused," chaewon says, watching y/n try to give the coffee another chance by taking a longer sip, immediately gagging as she lets it drip back down into the cup again. now even the smell of it was unbearable. she pushes the coffee away all together.

"well it's shitty today, let's just get some more later," she responded, both girls shrugging it off as they listened to their professor's talking once again. y/n was tempted several times after the fact to drink the coffee, but she was too sickened by its taste and smell. she eventually got up and threw the whole cup away all together, hating the way her body was responding to it.

when lunch rolled around, it was safe to say they both had forgotten about the morning's coffee incident, and y/n was already more than excited to eat the lunch she had yet to order. though the summer sun hadn't gone yet, the heat was certainly making its way out. temperatures outside were fine, so the walk from their hall to the building holding the university's lunchroom went smoothly, however the air conditioning had murderous intent when they entered the building.

"god i hate this building," chaewon groans as she zips her jacket up, which worked to no avail as the fabric was nowhere near thick. y/n nodded in agreement as they both subconsciously agreed they'd eat quickly so they could just leave. getting into different lines, y/n walked over to the soup station, getting her favorite vegetable soup that always made the freezing AC temperatures more bearable. she fixes a smaller bowl than she usually would, already beginning her dieting journey to lose the weight she'd gained.

once she added her side dishes, she met chaewon at the table with the most sunlight shining through the big, wide open windows, eager to get the warmth that this building insisted heavily on denying.

"we should've just ordered takeout instead," y/n grumbled, sipping a spoonful of her soup juice as she closed her eyes, the steam from her soup fanning her face as a "thank you for choosing to eat me today." savoring the soup, as she usually did, she immediately cringed at the horrible taste that flooded her mouth. "my god, why is everything so shitty today? first the coffee, now this?" it was clear that her mood was plummeting from her sudden disdain towards the food she loved most. she pushed her tray away, saddened, making chaewon sigh with pity.

"do you just want some of my lasagna?" she knew y/n wouldn't want it, but she couldn't stand to see her best friend so upset about not being able to eat. it was a dumb question, because it was something y/n hated the most, but y/n nodded, pushing her tray over to the girl. chaewon is confused but gives her a reasonable amount to eat, not too much as it would go to waste if she didn't eat it, but not too little as to have her request for more in the event that it wasn't enough.

reluctantly, she takes her fork and digs into the lasagna, hating everything about it, but the smell seemed a lot more inviting that what it had been only months before, the time frame she first decided she hated the entree. taking a hesitant bite into it, her eyes shot wide open as she began chewing. it was delicious. and she didn't know why. she opted to eat more of it, quickly downing the food as she looked at chaewon, begging for more to which, of course, the girl obliged. she wasn't that hungry anyways.

days had gone by since y/n had found a new love for lasagna, she even branched out the different flavors they offered, becoming obsessed with the spinach-alfredo lasagna. they were two combinations she knew she'd usually hate being put together, but she couldn't stop eating them. and though chaewon never said it aloud, she was confused. so confused. especially confused when y/n had suddenly started gagging, on the verge of vomiting only minutes after she'd eaten so deliciously. but, she rushed to the bathroom with her friend, ready to assist her nonetheless.

it's was a sad thing for her, watching her friend look so sick and helpless over the toilet while her body kept forcing her food up, not even stopping after the fact that her stomach emptied, telling her she still needed to throw more up. when she finished, her whole body was shaking, and she was on the verge of tears from the burning she felt in her throat.

she insisted she was fine, her solution being to eat again to make up for the food lost, but after having several incidents of vomiting to the point of tears, all of them with chaewon being her personal witness, she couldn't quite convince the girl anything anymore, reluctantly having to agree to seeing the doctor and get to the bottom of it. but they weren't ready for any of the questions that the doctor would ask the poor, and naive, y/n.

"have you been sexually active in the last few months, miss l/n? more importantly, without protection?" doctor kim asks, taking both y/n and chaewon by surprise. she looks over to her friend, feeling uncomfortable by the question, but chaewon only gives her a sympathetic smile as she encourages her to answer the doctor.

"yes.. but i don't see why that matters?" y/n replies, essentially dismissing the doctor's question. there was no correlation between the two, she was just feeling a little under the weather. or maybe it was a result of her semi-depression from her weight gain? there were so many possibilities. "we think i may have a stomach bug," she adds on, making the doctor click his teeth in response. he sighs, adjusting his glasses as he looked past her, not wanting to cause conflict, but still needing to do his job.

"well, miss l/n, i'm not suggesting anything big, but since you have had unprotected sex, your symptoms are seeming to lean a lot toward-"

"i'm sorry ,doctor kim, but i don't need suggestions. i'm paying you to use your damn degree and use facts to get to the bottom of this, not suggest my symptoms have anything to do with the sex i have in my life," y/n spits out, grabbing chaewon's hand to lead her out the door.

"you go, i'll be a quick second," chaewon smiles at the agitated girl who only nodded as she stormed her way to the car. letting out the breath she'd been holding, she bowed apologetically to the doctor. "i'm sorry, doc. she's been really moody since she gained weight. she's usually the sweetest girl!"

"i see," he responds. "she may not be willing to right now, but i recommend coming back soon and getting an ultrasound to see if my thoughts may be correct," he says, getting ready to head out the room, since he no longer needed to be there, having other patients to tend to.

he'd already been long gone by then, but chaewon still responded to him. it was more for herself anyways. "i'll think about it."

looking in the mirror every morning became a habit for y/n. she absolutely hated the way she looked. she felt like she was in a body that wasn't her own, her mental health only worsening with each day she decides to stare in the mirror. she was lonely. she'd been skipping classes, telling chaewon she was just too lazy to go to, but doing that meant chaewon wouldn't be there to support her rapidly growing illness. and she couldn't just call jake, either. they argued too much and they both hated it, deciding that no contact was better than enduring the toxicity any longer.

but today, she couldn't endure not speaking to him any longer. she'd grown far more dependent on him, realizing her days of misery could only be made better by him. so, even though she knew that calling him most likely wouldn't end well, she hit the facetime button, watching with anticipation as she waited for him to pick up.

"y/n," his sigh of happiness only brought a smile to her face, and for a second everything felt better, even her stuffed nose seemed to clear for a second. her eyes watered, but she quickly blinked the forming tears away because no y/n you will NOT cry. "i missed you," he says, making her heart flutter as he frowned through the screen.

"i'm sorry," was all she could say, lumps forming in her throat. why did this have to make her so emotional? she'd never cried over something as simple as this before, it wasn't rare for jake to express his feelings for her in this way, but for whatever reason she decided that hearing all of this now meant and felt more than anything. "i missed you, too."

"how have you been?" he asks, making her lips form a thin line. she never did tell him of her illness, being scared that he'd stop coming over in fear of catching her symptoms.

"i've been bored, there's never anything to do these days, and i'm too lazy to go out."

"hm. then how about i come over and give you something to do?" his question was laced with suggestiveness, making her feel an uneasy amount of insecurity. she really wanted to have him come over, more than anything, but it just couldn't happen. not when she felt like this. and not when she looked like this either.

"i don't know, i'm pretty tired right now, too," she laughs nervously, making him sigh.

"please, y/n. it doesn't even have to be sex. i just want to be with you. i miss you," while it didn't seem like much to him to admit it, it meant the world to y/n. she felt like he really wanted her. and in a way, he did, so of course, she let her heart fall right into his arms. even though her doubts and insecurities begged her to say no, she refused to listen this time.

"okay," her heart was beating fast, unsureness running through her veins, but all of it was worth it. any ill feeling would be worth it if it meant she'd get to see his smileㅡ a smile that only existed because of her.

"say less," he giggled, hanging up the phone. she let out the breath she was holding, her senses awakening as she realized all of what she just agreed to. she looked at her outfit, too revealing for the way she was looking right now. "shorts are fine, but i need a bigger shirt," she spoke to no one but herself as she went to her closet to put on an oversized hoodie in hopes he wouldn't be able to see how "ugly" she'd become.

it didn't take long for him to arrive, engulfing her in his arms as soon as she opened the door. it was times like this that made her wonder, why would she even want to fight with him to begin with? she's head over heels in love with him; arguing with him only took away these moments from her. she couldn't stand it.

"pretty girl, you've lost your glow," he says after they pull away from their drawn out hug, grabbing her face, moving it around in his eyesight as he frowned. her eyes were accompanied with dark eye bags, her cheeks were puffy, and her skin seemed to have paled quite a bit since he'd last been over. she could only smile bitterly, that's what no sleep does to you, she thinks.

"it's because you haven't been here to shine on me," she laughed, taking his hand to walk to her bedroom where they both sat on her bed. he laughs along, happy upon the realization that they most likely wouldn't get into an argument since the majority of their arguments happened digitally.

"well we're together now, so that's all that matters," he says, making her smile. she nods, taking a second to look at him while he turns his attention to the tv, already browsing through netflix to put on a show or movie he thought they'd be able to enjoy. she didn't realize how fond she'd grown of him until now, but maybe she just forgets about it until moments like this come up for her to acknowledge them once again.

the universe was unfair to her, in more ways than one, but giving her this special relationship with jake made all of the hardships disappear. she liked jake. and even though she knew he didn't feel the same way, she liked that his actions made her feel like he did. and they shared a lot of intimate moments, so even if she didn't necessarily have the real label she wanted, there was nothing that could stop her from pretending.

maybe that's the thought that kept her going, allowing him to make himself at home in her heart more and more with each passing moment they shared. maybe that's what made her stop looking at other men the way she looked at him. maybe that's what accidentally brought her lips onto his, cupping his cheeks as her eyes closed in relief when he kissed her back. it was always heavenly to kiss jake, but this time it felt better than that. he kept her slow speed, not bothering to pull her on his lap, yet, as he was determined to savor this moment in fear of it never happening again. he moves his hand up to her cheek as she let hers fall down to her side, smiling into the kiss as he stroked her cheek lovingly.

it felt like an eternity, them staying like that. but, jake was never patient when it came to these things. and it wasn't far from how y/n was either, so naturally he attempted to escalate it, his body already anticipating how good they were going to make each other feel. but as soon as he attempted to slide his tongue in, y/n panicked, squeezing her eyes shut as she pulled away, face hot with embarrassment as she saw the confusion the boy had on his face.

"is everything okay?" he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder gently so as to not startle the girl more than he already seemed to. she averted eye contact, but nodded nonetheless. "did i do something wrong? did i make you uncomfortable-?" he asked further, thoughts spinning around his head as to why she'd pull back.

"no i'm sorry," cutting him off, her voice was low as she didn't really want him to hear her confessionㅡ afraid it would spiral into another argument given her contradicting actions. "i just.. dont want to have sex," all the thoughts and reasons he'd listed before flew out the window, his mind going quiet as did he.

"you're seeing someone else. is that it?"

"wha- no, jake! i just-"

"there's nothing else it could be," he says, making her frown. jake had been suspecting this for a while. he'd never had any problems with her whenever they called or facetimed, or even texted before. but for the past few weeks, that's all that's been happening. he'd somehow say the 'wrong' thing and she'd blow off on him, it would spiral into something worse, then they would just stop talking until one of them texts again. the last time he'd gone through that, his fling ended up leaving him and moving onto a serious relationship, something they swore they would never be able to doㅡ well, clearly not with him at least.

"jake, i swear it's not like that!" y/n's heart was beating out of her chest, she could feel his sadness even though everything he said was monotone. he was hurting over something that she wasn't even doing. and the way he already seemed so sure of it? it made her wonder how long he'd been feeling this way.

"then why do you keep leading me on and then backing out when you're the one who initiated it? are you seeing someone else, y/n?" his eyes were starting to gloss over, and she hated it. so, so much. she didn't know what to do. admitting the truth would only make him leave. her silence only further proved the point he convinced himself that he was making. adding fuel to the fire- "do i only tempt you enough to try but not go through with it? am i SO bad at fucking you that you have to go find someone else to do bette-"

"i'm not thin anymore, okay?!" she finally had the courage to cut him off, tears streaming down her face that had become hot from her frustrations caused by his baseless, but very, very hurtful accusations.

"what?"

"i've gotten fat. and-," she sighed, trying to regain her composure. "i want so badly to have sex with you, but i'm scared. i'm scared that i'll take off these baggy clothes and- you'll be disgusted by my body and leave me. i would never be so evil as to go out of my way to cheat and hurt you. this is only happening because i hate myself and my body for what it's becoming. i can't let you see me be like this."

"baby..." his voice is soft, contradicting the anger it projected only moments before. even though that one word was a great comfort to her, it only worsened her rainfall of tears as she allowed herself to break down in his arms. it was something he'd never understand. she was beautiful in his eyes, nothing would change that. "i don't care if you gain weight, or lose weight. hell, you could wake up bald and i would still find you to be the sexiest girl alive. don't you ever think otherwise."

she nodded, pulling away to look him in the eyes, her pout failing to disappear despite the fact that she was starting to feel a little bit better about it. he smiled at her bringing his lips to her forehead for a kiss, then to each individual cheeks, then finally to her lips in a kiss that was sweeter than the one shared beforeㅡ only she would let it escalate this time.

pulling back, she looked him lovingly in the eyes. they were shining the same way hers were as he pulled her back in for a hard, but not too hard, peck on the lips, more following after them as he wanted to bask in all the moment had to offer. her giggle only made him smile as he pecked her lips one last time before he went to shower each cheek with kisses as well. once he felt he'd spread the love there enough, he tilted her head to the side, trailing kisses over her neck, not any lower as his sweatshirt was in the way. moving back up, he kissed her ear before he whispered a low "take this off," while tugging on the sweatshirt that had now become a barrier between the two of them.

obeying his request, she lifted the fabric off, throwing it across the room as her body shivered from the temperature change on her bare arms. he laughed, latching his mouth back onto her neck, this time carefully sucking, leaving his own marks of love behind for her to be able to look back to if she were to question his love for her again. tugging the bottom of her shirt as she assisted him in lifting it off her head, the shirt being carelessly thrown somewhere across the room like the jacket.

he changed his position, kneeling with either knee on her side as he pushed her slightly to lay her down on the bed. he stared down at her body, scanning the beauty she was. it was then that she realized she had nothing to cover her top half, her stomach was on display for him to see and, despite his comforting words, she became embarrassed. not wanting to make it obvious that she was feeling insecure, she pulled him down to connect their lips together. letting their tongues dance with one another, he lets his hands travel down her sides, moving to spread her legs for him to grind his crotch against her, the sensations leaving them both gasping at how much they'd been neglecting their sexual needs with their petty arguments.

"fuck," she moaned into his mouth which only drove him crazy. god, words couldn't explain how much he loved those sounds she made. he pulled away, going to take off his shirt while she nearly drooled at the sight of it. everything about that man was perfect to her.

"fuck, y/n," he breathed out as he kept rolling his hips against hers, biting his lip to hold back the lewd sounds his body begged him to make. "how am i supposed to go slow when you're this sexy without trying?" his words made her tear up as she covered her face which was now hot with her shyness. the sight of it made his hips stutter, of course only she could bring him that close to climax without doing anything but being her.

he moved away from her, the warmth they shared being the first thing they missed as he pulled her shorts down, throwing it across the room as she leaned forward to pull his sweatpants down enough for him to scoot out of on his own. his cock sprung up, hitting his lower abdomen as she stared at it in all its glory: fully erect, reddened tip glistening with precum. just how she liked it. they both giggled at the fact that they both were intentionally not wearing underwear. "wanted to fuck me that bad, huh?" he smirked, leaning down to connect their lips in a kiss which she smiled in. when he pulled away she smirked back at him.

"i could say the same, baby."

he sucked in a breath, halfway opening his eyes as he began lightly stroking himself, making sure to make eye contact with her. "ah- y/n, you don't know what you do to me," he whimpered as she could only watch him with doe eyes. before he could get too comfortable stroking himself, and before she could get too comfortable watching the show, he rubbed his tip through her folds, then circled her clit (just to make her feel good) before he slowly inserted himself in.

she winced at the stretch, it really had been a while since they last had sex. he bit his lip as he pushed all the way in, unmoving. he moved his hand down, using his thumb to rub on her clit which resulted in her clenching around him. he slightly threw his head back, sighing in content at the feeling. "that's right. keep doing that," he says as he pulls out nearly all the way, only to slam himself back in completely before he decided on a pace. everything about their togetherness was just right. they knew exactly how to make each other feel good. that's what lovemaking to them was. they didn't need to be slow paced or have foreplay or perform oral before they fucked; the love showed in the way they could absorb every essence of each other's being. the way their energies combined and turned them into one.

his pace wasn't too slow, nor was it too fast. it was just enough for her to feel all of him, and it was enough to hit all the right spots, wherever she needed him most. the room was silent except for the small sounds of pleasure they both made, accompanied with the sex sounds their bodies created. he leaned forward, connecting their lips in a sweet kiss, cause everyone knows he couldn't get enough of kissing her. she returned the kiss, tears prickling in her eyes from how good everything was feeling. she loved this. she loved him. "i'm close, baby," he pulled back to announce, speeding his strokes up ever so slightly as he chased his high.

"me too," she announced, this time clenching around him more while her heartbeat only raced, each thrust bringing her closer. he rubbed circles around her clit faster as her moans started becoming more vocal, the pitch raising with each thrust until one thrust finally hit the spot. "ah, jake dont stop," she begged as he sped up to chase his own high. "dont pull out, it's okay! fuck i wanna feel it." he couldn't hold back any longer upon her words, thrusting one last time before he came to a complete stop, filling her with his seed.

"fuck," he breathed out, slowly lowering himself to be on top of her. he scooted so that she could be able to lay her head on his. it wasn't often that jake would stay cuddled up to her after they finished having sex, but he felt like he owed it to her for how shitty he had made her feel without knowing the full story. it wasn't often that he whispered sweet little nothings into her ear while stroking her hair, but tonight (despite their strict forbidden rule of affection) it felt needed. and he was willing to give her anything he felt like she needed. every action and choice he decided to make only further showed that he loved her, in a way.

even though he was sure he wasn't capable of feeling it anymore, this special relationship jake shared with her made all of his doubts about love disappear. he liked y/n. and even though it was something he'd never be able to express or accept it, he'd let his emotions be shown in the moment as they were. and, like most of everything that they did that didn't make sense, it always seemed to work out.

the sun shining through the blinds, accompanied with the unforgiving air conditioning that froze her skin, y/n yawned as she got up, rubbing her eyes. pulling the blanket up to cover her body, she looked next to her for jake, but he wasn't there. she knew that regardless of how affectionate he was last night that there'd be a chance he would still leave during the night, but it hurts to know that no matter what he'd say or do, he'd still be gone in the morning.

her tears start their early morning shift, brimming in her eyes as she pouted at the whole idea of him leaving her altogether. the tears turning into a rainfall of agony as she sobbed to her heart's content, only to be interrupted by her overwhelming need to puke. running to the bathroom she can't make it to the toilet, having to quickly choose between the floor or the sink, her brain choosing the latter of the two.

holding the edge of the sink, her head was bent over so as to not make too much of a mess. she let her first round of puke come up, feeling disgusted with herself for not being quicker. one she was finished she barely had time to recover as she took the chance to run to the toilet, finally being able to vomit there as she originally intended. it hurt and tasted like hell after she was finished, but that of course wouldn't be the end of her misfortune. upon hearing her alarm go off, she realized that she only had 15 minutes to get ready.

snoozing the alarm she immediately dialed chaewon's phone, screaming incoherent words as a weak attempt to ask for help. chaewon's eyes widened as her car's speaker blasted y/n's crying into her ears. "woah, woah, woah!" chaewon said, cutting the girl's screaming off. "talk in a way where i can understand you."

"i keep- i can't stop throwing up, i'm scared i wont be able to make it to school!" she cries out. "please chaewon, i know i ask for a lot but i need you right now," she begs the girl who was only two or three turns away from the university building. as the red light finally turned green, she sighed, making a turn that led her back on the path from where she'd originally traveled to come to school.

"i'm on my way," she lets y/n know, making her way to the nearest drugstore to make a quick purchase. y/n sighs of relief, her tear stained cheeks lifting slightly as she smiled at her friend's support through her hardships.

"thank you, chae," she says, holding onto her now empty and hurting stomach. "i'll make it up to you."

"you don't have to make anything up to me y/n. you need my help, so i'm giving it to you. just please take care of yourself until i get there, i have to make a quick stop, okay?" she says as she gets out of the car, her phone call disconnects from the car and back to her phone.

"okay," y/n sniffles as she begins coughing up a storm, gagging as she tried her best to hold down another load of vomit.

"okay, i'll hang up first. bye."

not waiting for a response, she ends the call and walks into the store. after a quick search, she immediately went over to the corner where the items lay bare for everyone to see. she picked up one of the pregnancy tests, ignoring the looks she felt on her. it was nobody's business anyways. when she went over to the register, older customers gave her judging looks, which she only smiled in return at. as soon as she got to the front, she smacked the box down, not bothering to get any other items as it would just add onto her time in the building.

"what are you hoping for?" the young cashier attempts to ask her kindly, but you can tell she was judging her too. if it had actually been chaewon in this situation where she'd need the pregnancy test for herself, she would have been passive back, but it's not her. so she didn't need to be letting it get in her head regardless of how stressful it was to be here.

"a girl," she puts on a fake smile and enthusiastic voice, praying the kid would hurry up and scan the item. once she was done doing that, she put the item in a plastic bag, quickly handing it to her.

"wishing you the best of luck as a mother!" she says to which chaewon could only nod at as she rushed out of the building and back into her car. now, chaewon wasn't the kind of citizen to speed. she knew it wasn't safe for anyone and honestly she hated it because it never felt nice to her body, especially when she was the one behind the wheels. but after the call with y/n, she had to because she knew how much y/n needed her there.

when she had let herself in using the key that y/n gifted her months ago, she ran quickly to see the girl's head hanging carelessly in the toilet as she barely moved. "y/n?" she asks, going over to her. y/n only hummed in response to assure the girl that she was still conscious. she wanted to talk, but everytime she tried to muster up words, that awfully familiar gagging overpowered her. and she didn't want to go through throwing up again, so she gave up, resorting to laying in her misery as there was nothing more she could do.

"gross, y/n," chewon says as she moves over to the sink where it was filled with her vomit, the scent making chaewon gag a little. she turns the sink water on, going under the sink to get some bleach out in hopes of it helping with washing it down. "you couldn't make it to the toilet in enough time?"

"no," y/n cries out, voice hoarse from all of it already as she gags more, another load of vomit forcing its way up as the scent of her throw up and bleach met her nose. chaewon yelps as she helps the girl throw up smoothly, holding her hair back until her body finally realizes she couldn't throw up anymore, though it was already too late by now.

the cleanup process went a lot smoother than they both expected. chaewon ordered y/n to get a sip of water to soothe her throat while she busied herself with cleaning the sink and the toilet since y/n was already so careful not to make a mess anywhere else. when both of them were finished, they laid on y/n's bed with chaewon stroking y/n's hair, the pregnancy test being the only thing on her mind. she was torn. she didn't know if she should bring it up to her, but it was the only thing on her mind since they first went to her doctor's appointment. she also was scared it would upset y/n. her emotions were unstable as of lately, and she didn't want to be on the receiving end of it, at least not now.

"y/n?" she finally speaks up after a few more minutes of internal conflict about it. y/n hummed in response. "you and jake don't use protection, right?" she asks, making y/n groan annoyed. "don't catch an attitude with me, just answer the question."

"we don't use protection, chaewon."

"okay then does he like, you know, pull out?" she asks further, making y/n stiffen up in embarrassment.

"yes."

"are you sure?"

"yes chae! god damn it," y/n says as she finally catches onto what chaewon was suggesting, blowing off the steam that was building up. it makes chaewon a bit more hesitant, but she has to do this for her; she didn't want y/n to keep living in denial if she didn't have to.

"y/n, i need you to think really hard about this. i get that you're frustrated, but i'm only asking because i want to help you... please. there has to be a time when you weren't sure if he did or not. or maybe he was a little too late to?" she is careful with her words, but they still manage to break y/n's walls down as she bursts into tears upon remembering the one important night she had so carelessly forgotten.

"there was- uh one night," she says. "i don't remember if he'd pulled out soon enough because we were both too tired to be safe about it."

"do you remember when?"

"i think it was sometime last month, but i don't really remember. all I know is that i texted you to hang out the day after because the sleep i got was so good. god chae, i don't even want to think that this could be a possibility," y/n was exasperated. she didn't want to be pregnant. anything but that. but chaewon just kept pushing the idea in her head, making her terrified that it'd be an actual possibility.

"i know, love, but i'm asking this for your own good. now, i have something for you, but you can't freak out okay?" she says as she lifts the girl's head off of her stomach, leaning into her bag to pull out the box she'd purchased.

"okay," y/n says as she looks over to chaewon's busy hands as she puts the box behind her back. "can i see?"

"okay, breathing under control?" chaewon asks. y/n nods. "and don't. freak. out. it's going to be okay," she adds on. y/n nods again as she breathes steadily, her eyes closing as she gathers her senses together without anticipating what chaewon could give her. "keep your eyes closed and just grab the box i'm about to put in your hands.

following her instructions, she gripped onto the box as soon as she felt it in her hands. opening her eyes, she couldn't help but tear up at the sight of it. she knew that her friend would give it to her eventually, but now? she wasn't ready. her grip on the box tightened as she shook her head.

"it's okay, y/n. calm down. breathe, then get up and go take the test," chaewon said, lifting the girl up as another form of encouragement. "no matter what the test says, i'm here with my undying support for you. fighting girl!"

"fighting," y/n sniffles as she goes into the bathroom, leaving an emotional chaewon behind. she sighs, laying down again to stare at the ceiling, her own tears starting to form. it hurt. all of it. from having y/n taking her frustrations out on the girl, down to each tear that spilled from y/n's eyes as she realized her life could truly be changing. she hated seeing her best friend cry, especially knowing that she didn't deserve any of that heartache. it felt selfish to sit and cry about it as if she were the one in y/n's place, but she couldn't help it.

taking a shaky breath, she exhaled in an attempt to calm herself down. she needed to be rational. if this is hard for me, then it must be hell for y/n. she quickly wipes her tears as y/n screams and falls to the bathroom floor, only a few minutes after waiting for the results. chaewon ran into the bathroom, shocked by the solemn scene in front of her. y/n, with shaky hands, held up the test to the girl's face. it was an unmistakable "YES+" on the stick. with widened eyes, chaewon pulled the sobbing girl into a hug. y/n was actually pregnant. and with jake's child at that.

"i don't want it!" she cries out as chaewon nods, quickly removing one arm from her as she began looking up clinics for an abortion.

"okay, i found some clinics," the girl says. "we can set up an appointment when you're all calmed down, okay?"

"okay."

"now let's get you to bed; you look terrible," she helped y/n clean herself up, brushing her tasseled hair into a low ponytail, washing and moisturizing her dry face, putting her pregnancy test into a bag just in case. by the time they were finished, the atmosphere had calmed down and everything seemed okay now that y/n came to terms with her conditions. she was just glad that this would all be over soon.

when the two girls finally got settled down, they decided tonight it'd be best if y/n wasn't left alone. cuddling while watching bojack horseman, talking didn't seem all that important now that y/n had a warm embrace that wouldn't leave her in the middle of the night. she nuzzles her head into chaewon's neck with a yawn. "thank you for taking care of me, chae. i love you." it catches chaewon by surprise, but she just silently smiles, deciding not to say anything since y/n was audibly snoring by now. looking down at her best friend's sleeping figure, she pauses the show and prays to god that y/n, and everything, will be okay.

august 31st. today was the day y/n's life would change forever. she wondered why nobody told her that the drive to the clinic would be so gut wrenching. when she arrives, she signs in for her appointment and sits down to wait. she got a good look around the building. there were many people here, some accompanied by lovers, others with parents, while there was the noticeable few who were alone like she was. the air wasn't as thick as she'd anticipated, but she learned from chaewon that not everyone who went to these buildings were there for abortions. a big part of her was jealous of that because oh how nice would it have been to have been able to find comfort in such a heavy decision. but the other part was thankful; she wouldn't wish this dreadful feeling on her worst enemy, and yet here she was, feeling it to its fullest extent.

chaewon sadly couldn't make it. well, y/n wouldn't allow her to, begging her not to miss any more days. it was a difficult thing to convince her, since she knew chaewon could switch to online school like she temporarily opted to do for a more flexible schedule during her pregnancy until she could put an end to it and go back to her regular classes. she'd already caused chaewon to miss so much, she'd feel guilty if she'd done it again, even if right now all she could do was wish she let herself be selfish one last time because all she wanted was to be comforted by the only person who could possibly understand her problems without judgment. she sighed, sinking down into her seat as she watched the muted television on the screen, praying her turn would come soon so she could get out of this place.

"y/n l/n?" a sweet nurse's voice called out as she looked around the waiting area. y/n's eyes widened as they were met with the nurse's who beckoned her over. her heart was beating fast as she walked behind the lady who was escorting to one of the clinic rooms where she would soon be met with the doctor who would be performing the abortion. being left alone in the room was either one of the best case scenarios right now, or possibly the worst. she could be alone for a second to calm down, or she could potentially break down before the doctor could even speak a word to her. deciding she's already cried enough tears this month, she opted to taking a deep breath to remind herself that this was her decision to make, and this was what she wanted.

"good evening, miss l/n, i'm doctor kim," a voice spoke as it entered the door. y/n turned her head slightly to the woman. she was around her mid-forties, but something about her reminded her of her mother, her aura was comforting in that sense. "i assume you're here to get an abortion performed?"

"yes, doctor," y/n responds, lowering her head since she'd suddenly become afraid to make eye contact with the woman upon the mention of the specific procedure that was soon to be performed.

"oh, miss l/n," the doctor pouted, making y/n look up at her. "before we start, i'm legally obligated to tell you the process before we perform it," the doctor explained as she placed her gloves on with a slight smacking sound. y/n nodded, then the process explanation began. as the words spilled out of doctor kim's mouth, y/n couldn't help but feel sick to her stomach. her brain started zoning out everything the doctor was saying, the only phrase she could hear in her head was her brain telling her to get out. all she could think to herself was i don't wanna do this anymore. what felt like hours, but was only around ten minutes later, the doctor finally brought her attention back with a clap.

"so?" she asks. "are you ready?" offering a comforting smile that made y/n feel anything but. she could hear her heart beating inside her chest, her breathing suddenly drowning out all the noise around her. suddenly everything felt all too much yet nothing at all. she stayed still, trying her best to process her emotions, to state her peace, or to just right out leave.

"i need to use the restroom," she squeaked out, tears brimming in her eyes as she avoided any form of eye contact with the older lady in front of her. doctor kim senses the mood shift and sighs. this was an often occurrence, so she could only understand where the girl was coming from.

"look, kid. abortion isn't for everyone," she says placing her hand on her shoulder. "you're young so you think it's the only option for you, but it isn't. there are lots of good young mothers. you can do this. i don't want you to make a decision you'll end up regretting for the rest of your life. i can see you care about your baby. give them a chance at life, give yourself this chance in life."

y/n frowns, her lips quivering as the building tears spill from her eyes. "i'm sorry," she says, burying her head inside her hands. "i'm so sorry," she apologizes, unsure what she's really sorry for, she just felt like this was all she could say.

"don't be sorry, miss l/n," doctor kim responds, helping the girl to get off her feet, taking her over to the sink to help her get herself together again. "you know, you can always come back again. we give free ultrasounds, i'm sure you'd love to see your little angel growing."

”i'll try my best," she responds as soon as the tears subside. they bid their farewells and just like that, y/n was on her way back home. and, though she felt a huge burden had been lifted off of her shoulder, she was devastated. she had to tell jake.. and that was the biggest burden of it all. exhaustion was the first thing to hit her once she arrived back inside, she was so exhausted that she almost didn't take her shoes off at the doorㅡ almost. she goes to lay down, flopping on her bed to stare at the ceiling. it was weird. this has been the first time she didn't feel the need or want to cry. instead, her brain was doing its best to think logically despite not knowing exactly what to do.

she knows one thing for sure, though: she has to call jake immediately to have him come over to break the news to him, but the problem was that she was scared. she knew without a doubt that jake adored her, but he didn't love her. they were fuck buddies, not lovers, so in terms of what she could expect from him, there was nothing. she was at a complete blank, her only way of finding out would be to put herself in the position to do so. and though she hated the idea of having to do it, it wasn't just some decision she could just back out of. so, she picks up her phone, her hand shaking as she clicks the button to dial his number. the phone rang a few times before his sweet voice sung into her ear. "hello?" he asks, making her fears start to pile up. what exactly was she supposed to say to him?

"can you come over?" she asks, her voice tinier than the sureness she was feeling. "please, like hurry up. i'm sorry for everything, i can't be on the phone too long, just hurry up." upon hearing that, jake's heart broke into pieces. he could barely process what was happening, all he knew was that he was rushing out the door and into his car as he sped to her house. after she ended the call, she released the breath she was holding, getting up to look at herself in the full body mirror. she lifted her tank top up, rubbing her 2 months pregnant belly as a river of relief washed over her. there was something so comforting about the "weight gain" now. and she decided that, no matter what, she was going to keep it. in the midst of admiring her changing body, she jumps upon hearing jake's banging on the door.

he was anxious, thinking the worst upon her sudden call that lacked context, but he didn't want to assume the worst as he was still feeling guilty about what happened last time he'd said his unspoken insecurities aloud. with her heart beating fast, she opens the door and silently lets him in. stay calm, y/n. she keeps reminding herself in her mind as she knew that was the best way to get through this challenge. she ushers for him to sit on the bed, quietly taking a seat next to him but with great distance as she was still fearful. he notices this, so when they finally make eye contact she could see the insecurities blooming through. and it broke her. "i'm so sorry," she bawls out, throwing herself onto him. her tears dont catch him by much surprise, but it doesn't stop him from feeling the emotional toll from them. he is sad, but he accepts the pitiful embrace. she's really done it, he cries to himself, the tears landing on top of her head.

he doesn't even want to ask who, why, or even why he couldn't just be enough for her. he just wants to lie and pretend it's all okay so that she'll stay with him, even if he'll regret it. "i'm so sorry," she apologizes for the hundredth time, to which he once again responds with his verbal forgiveness. she hated it. she hated being a coward in that sense. she hated not being able to tell him of her pregnancy, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. "please don't leave me tonight," she begs as she was scared to wake up without him again because there was no certainty that he'd ever come back. he gulps in an attempt to swallow the lump forming in his throat. it doesn't work. "okay," he responds, not sure of what else he could possibly say to her. how can you comfort someone when you're in need of comfort, too? "i mean it, jake, i can't stand waking up without you, at least not now," y/n admits and it hurts jake. "promise me you'll be here when i wake."

"i promise," he says, determined to fulfill whatever need she asked from him in hopes of her continued loyalty to him. "i'll stay forever if i need toㅡ if you need me to," he says as if his honesty wasn't convincing enough. she knows he doesn't mean it in the way she needs him to, but she still lets his words comfort those unheard doubts that are plaguing her mind. she eventually pulls away, looking him in the eyes as she offers a bitter smile. she brings her thumbs up to wipe his tears away. "there's nobody else, jake," she says, seemingly being able to reassure him without him having to say a word. he sighs, and smiles back at her, choosing not to question the real issue she wanted to bring up to him. if it hurt her that much, he would wait longer to find out. but, to him, nothing could be worse to him than her finding a new man. so he'd be ready to accept and forgive anything else that she felt would burden him.

"let's just sleep," he says, laying down. she nods, moving so that he could lay on her chest. her heart was racing; she could never get used to the feeling he gave her. he smiled at the rate it was going. all of that was for him. oh, if only he knew that all those unspoken feelings were mutual. maybe then things would be easier for the two of them. but, as of right now, they would both continue to suffer in this lovesick state.

it was easy to fall asleep with him like that, and it was even easier to wake up with him in her arms. the sun was shining on them, the AC's temperature was just right for the two of them who had forgotten to get under the blanket, and the air was calm. it was a state of being that she didn't want to leave, but she had no knowledge of his work schedule, so she needed him to be up. she kisses the top of his head shyly. he scrunches his nose while she continues doing it until he moves enough for her to understand that he, too, was awake. "good morning," his voice was groggy as he was still not fully awake. she doesn't respond, letting him get up to freshen up. he walks into the bathroom, sitting on the toilet to go about his business. once he finishes, he flushes and goes to look at himself in the mirror.

his hair was disheveled and his eyes were puffy, but he felt like a million bucks as he smiled at his reflection. "nobody else, huh?" he giggles, smile widening as he applied the soap on his hands to wash them. once he finished washing them, he began drying them off on the towel as he started wondering what she had to tell him last night.

when he goes back out, he finds y/n in the kitchen grabbing some frozen breakfast burritos out of the freezer, the meal that had become one of her recent food obsessions. "baby?" he calls to get her attention, failing to see the smile she cracked as her back was turned to her. she only hums in response as she continues to plate two burritos for herself. "i'm not gonna push you to tell me anything, but i just want you to know that whatever it is that's burdening you, it's something we can get through together. there's nothing that can possibly drive me away from you. i'm ready to listen whenever you're ready to tell me."

her moves falter a bit, but she regains her composure and continues preparing her breakfast. once the microwave beeped, she met him at the table, opting to eat as a way to get her thoughts together, his words ringing through her head as she did so. when she was finished chewing her first few bites, she cleared her throat. "i'm pregnant," her voice held no emotion, so little that you wouldn't be able to tell her nervousness had it not been for her hands shaking as she held the fork midair.

"i-" he paused, not knowing exactly what to say. he was in shock. and, from the looks on her face, he knew that it couldn't be a pregnancy scare because it looked like this has been weighing her down for a while. he knew his reaction to this information would be contrary to his previous words, but he didn't expect it to be this serious. "are you sure it's mine?" he asks, breaking her heart. a huge part of him could believe she was pregnant; everything was starting to make sense from her weight gain to her overly emotional state, all the way down to her eating habitsㅡ he knew she absolutely hated burritos.

"there's nobody else, jake," her voice cracked as she offered him a small smile, the corners of her lips barely lifting as she did so. oh how comforting those words were to hear last night, but now they struck him in the worst ways possible. she looked at him, his expression unreadable as he stared directly through her each time she'd lift her eyes to check his gaze. the cat was already out of the bag, so what's the harm in emptying the mess it left behind? "and i... i want to keep it." he didn't know what to say. he didn't know what to do. and he didn't want to hurt her, but what about himself? he isn't a bad guy. it takes two to get knocked up but-

"i'm not ready to be a father," his words came out quietly, scared that hearing it himself would make the guilt he felt feel worse. and it did. the look on her face when she finally looked him in the eyes, if her glow was already dull, he'd taken it away. the words already did their damage, now he has to stay true to them. he got up from the table, hands shaky as he pushed the chair in without a word and he offers her an apologetic bow as if that could take everything back. "i'm sorry y/n." he didn't know what he expected. who would forgive a deadbeat anyways. she didn't say a word, opting to keep her head down in shame. she stayed that way, not even bothering to move even after she heard the door close behind him, announcing his genuine departure from the home.

y/n wasn't nearly as sad as she thought she'd be. chaewon was right, it would hurtㅡ and for a long time it did. "but once you feel okay, even for a second, everything will be okay," she told y/n. and that's what it was, after 2 months of tears, her brain shifted its focus from the pain of his absence to the changes her body was making. she noticed the small bump in which the baby was forming became more noticeable in her shirts. deciding to embrace this, she stopped wearing baggy clothes. and chaewon never failed to remind her how beautiful she looked whenever they'd go out. she noticed she started to gain weight, but it didn't make her upset.

instead of looking in the mirror with disgust, like she had done before she found out about her pregnancy, she spent her lonely nights smiling in the mirror as she rubbed her tummy. her earlier pregnancy symptoms started to lessen, and her eagerness to visit the doctors increased as she was always excited to look at her ultrasound. she no longer dealt with nausea, being able to feed both herself and the baby without fear of regurgitation, but she soon found that her stamina had also begun to change. she spent most of her off days homebound, as moving around too much could easily take her breath away.

"alright, ms.l/n," the doctor says, spreading the ultrasound gel onto y/n's tummy, the coolness giving her chills as its temperature mixed with the cold air that the air conditioner blew. "let's see how this little rascal is coming along, shall we?" doctor kim asks, moving the transducer around as real time images of the fetus started coming onto the screen. y/n tilts her head backwards to look at the screen, smiling at it.

"aww, it's got its thumb in its mouth," she cooed, putting on a happy pout to chaewon who was indulging in the screen as well. taking her eyes off of it, she signaled the doctor's attention while y/n stayed in a daze, watching her baby as it minded its business in her tummy. "are we going to be able to tell it's gender soon?" chaewon asks, making the doctor nod in response. "how long will that be?" she adds on, making the doctor think about how far along y/n was by now.

"we should be able to tell in the next week or so, from what i'm seeing, if its a male, its genitals haven't developed yet, so we'll have to wait to see if any more developments, in that sense, occur," doctor kim says, moving the transducer more around the head area. "we'll have to develop the photos before you leave, miss l/n."

"oh, please, doctor!" y/n exclaims excitedly as she continued to watch the screen. "oh my room is gonna be filled with framed pictures of these!" she claps, making the other two girls in the room smile at her joy. it was a huge change in attitude from what they'd seen just five months before. clapping her hands together, doctor kim begins to clean up the gel and transducer, putting the items away as she begins the printing process for the ultrasound pictures.

once chaewon and y/n left, they decided to go to the store to get more groceries. "i want fruit roll ups," y/n said as she looked at the aisle signs, searching for the one that displayed where the snacks were. once she spotted it, she dragged chaewon, who was holding the cart, directly to the aisle. chaewon could only giggle at her friend with the roll of her eyes. "we gotta get some healthy snacks too, love. how about some nature valley bars?"

"i don't know..." y/n responded. "i just want something sweet and chewy right now, but i could go for some dorito chips right now if you want me to eat something crunchy," she says, mouth watering at the idea of it. "nope. nope, nope, nope, nope," chaewon says, grabbing y/n's hand while she used the other one to steer out of the unhealthy aisle that they'd already stepped foot in. "we're not feeding your baby that junk, let's just stick to fruits, okay?"

y/n grumbles a complaint under her breath, but she complies as they go to the produce aisle. "let's get chocolate syrup, too. for the strawberries," she begged, which chaewon mindlessly nodded to at this point, being too busy putting boxes of berries into the cart. "then go get 'em," she says, shooing the unoccupied girl. y/n nodded as she walked over to the isle where it'd be held. she hummed a nameless tune as she looked around for the brand she wanted. picking up two different bottles, she pouted in thought, turning her head back and forth from them.

hearing a groan out of nowhere, with a familiar base in the voice, she scrunches her eyebrows and turns to where it came from. her heartbeat picked up as a distracted and frustrated jake came into her view, only around 5 feet away from her. just then, she felt a sting in her stomach. "fuck," she cursed to herself. the baby was kicking. she, with shaky hands, quickly threw one of the chocolate bottles back onto the shelf as she waddled away as quickly as possible. it had been so long since she felt the rush jake gave her. she was no longer mad at him because of what he did to her, but she was still pissed off at what he didn't and wouldn't do for their baby. "were you kicking me because you couldn't kick daddy?" she cooed rubbing her stomach as she saw chaewon rolling over to her.

"what about the baby's daddy?" chaewon asked as they began walking side by side. y/n snarled. he really doesn't deserve to be called that. she thought. but she quickly returned to her normal friendly gaze as soon as she met chaewon's eyes. "we, well i saw jaeyun in the syrup aisle, and the baby started kicking me. i think he did it because he couldn't kick him."

"he?"

"huh? oh yeah. i've got a feeling he's a boy, my girl wouldn't use me as her punching bag," she joked as she rubbed where the baby was adamant on kicking about. chaewon smiled at the sight, moving the girl's hand to replace it with her own. it almost brought her to tears as they got into the shortest line. after they'd finished paying and packing the groceries up, they were on their way back to y/n's home.

chaewon shared side glances at the girl while she sang along happily to the tunes that were blasting on the radio. she was starting to realize just how real this was and how far y/n had gotten over the course of this half year. "you're gonna be an amazing mother, you know that?" she says catching y/n by surprise as she stops mid lyric. the radio's volume didn't change, but the world went silent and everything seemed to come to a complete pause as y/n's lips trembled into a small smile, eyes watering as she did so.

in the past six months of her developing pregnancy, she was never told this. of course chaewon has always praised her for her strength, and her parents had offered support though they were disappointed, nobody has ever told her that she'd be a good mother. and, though it's something most mothers would look over, it meant the world to her because she felt like she would be anything but. she didn't realize how long she'd been crying until she no longer felt the car moving as chaewon pat her on the back in a comforting manner. "shh, it's okay. it's okay.. i promise you will be," she says, making the girl's tears pour faster.

"thank you so much," she cried out, allowing her body to milk the tears as she regulated her breathing. "i don't know why that made me cry so much, i think it's been something i've been needing to hear for a long time, you know?" she admitted, sniffling a bit. chaewon nodded, but didn't speak. she realized y/n probably wanted to say more. and she was right. "it's just.. without jake, i didn't think i could do it. i was so ashamed that he didn't want us, i thought that i would end up not wanting the baby, too. but i kept it because i knew that it deserved a chance. and i've been doubtful about my abilities as a mother, thinking i'm not good enough. but hearing that made all of this worth it, i have to be a good mother to it."

"i know, baby," chaewon said, kissing the top of her head. "now let's get you home, okay?" y/n nodded as chaewon restarted the car and finished their journey back to y/n's place. after unpacking the groceries, they spent the rest of that night cuddling while watching a movie on netflix.

walking into the store alone, y/n talked to chaewon, who was resting, through one bluetooth headphone in her ear. "do you really think it was a good idea to leave the gender a surprise?" she asks as she pushes the cart aimlessly around the maternity area in target. "mhm.. yeah. no yeah, you're right. well, anyways i'm just at target right now, about to buy some new jeans cause these mom ones are getting too tight... i know! it's ironic. well, i'm not gonna hold you up, you should finish working. okay, bye bye. love you, too." once the call ends, she goes to pick up some jeans. as soon as she finished picking out a pair or two, she rolled her way into the snacking aisle. a part of her was relieved that her stomach wasn't too big for her to be able to push the cart, she enjoyed being alone lately, even though she knew it wouldn't last very long as she only had 14 more weeks to go, and things would only get more difficult then.

picking up two boxes of granola bars, she hummed quietly as her head turned back and forth between the two items. she wondered which one to buy, they were both a personal favorite to her, but she wasn't looking to spend hundreds again, she still hadn't bought a bulk of the baby clothes yet since she didn't exactly know what to buy other than an excessive amount of zoo themed oneㅡ because there's nothing more gender neutral for babies than animal themed clothing. it had only been a mere seconds that she'd been so lost in her decision that she didn't even notice that particular set of eyes that were set on her, guilt building up and rushing through his veins as he stood there frozen in his spot.

jake was carrying a handheld basket. he figured he'd only needed to come to pick up some protein bars and energy drinks, he didn't need a cart. well, now he was regretting it as his grip faltered on the basket making it fall down onto the floor, items flying anywhere they pleased. luckily the boxes only slid a few feet in front of him. however, the protein shake rolled into forbidden territory, that forbidden territory being the area where she stood. his eyes widened and his head lowered as she turned her attention to the protein shake, then to him. he did his best to stall picking up the boxes as he did what he could to avoid looking at her. his hands shook as her shoes appeared in his vision.

"you dropped this, sir," she says. she had a smile on her face, the most beautiful one that he would have been crushed to see drop as soon as they made eye contact, but it did. "oh," was all she could say as he got up, gripping his basket harder as they made eye contact for the first time in a little over half a year. "oh," he responds, his eyes flickering to her stomach. a sudden punch of grief and regret hit him directly in his heart as it seemed to clench with pain. he averted his eyes and looked back into hers, but, again, he wished he hadn't. the tears were already brimming. "oh, oh. no, please don't cry. i'm sorry. please don't cry, please."

"i'm sorry. i'm just so happy to see you," her frown worsened as she squeezes her eyes shut, sobs escaping through her closed mouth while her body only shook as her arms stayed glued to her side. "shit, y/n. don't say that, please," he didn't know what to do. his eyes watered as he hesitated before pulling her in his embrace, the basket long forgotten as it fell back to the floor with a thud. he thought a hug would help, but it just hurt the both of them more. he was warm, exactly like she remembered. she wanted to be closer, to feel more of him but her stomach only allowed him to hold her so much. he felt her belly pressed against his, and it was foreign because it's nothing like the last time he held her and it was just a painful reminder of why he felt so shitty to begin with. "i'm sorry," he says, pulling back all too soon for the both of their liking. "we should leave, i don't want you crying in a target."

he grabs her hand, gently dragging her along as they walked out of the building. "i don't have a car, i ubered here," she says as she tries to keep up with his quickened steps. he nods in acknowledgement, not turning his head to her as he was too scared to look at her again. "i know, baby. we're gonna go in mine." now she was kinda glad he didn't look back at her, because her face had contorted into both a smile and a frown. she was still his baby after all this time, even if he didn't deserve it. once they reached the said vehicle, he opened the door for her, helping her get in as she couldn't climb in as swiftly as she used to due to the big changes in her body. it was kinda cute, the way she needed his help. it made him reminisce the moments that could've been. the times they could've had together if he didn't panic. brushing his thoughts aside, he got in on the driver's side as he began making his way to her place.

after they'd gotten in the house, he had the pleasure of seeing the changes made. in the kitchen, there was a green high chair with leaves scattered on it. when they walked into the living room, there was a fluffed carpet with the abc's accompanied with pictures of animals corresponding to the beginning letter. they walked into her bedroom whose walls were littered with pictures of every ultrasound, the growth of the child becoming more apparent as it continued. everything has changed. and jake wasn't here to experience any of it. he wasn't there to help her through any of it. and he felt so terrible for it.

"wow," was all he could say as he stared at the ultrasounds. she'd long been sitting on the bed, watching him. she had always wondered how she would feel when seeing him again. she wondered how he'd look physically, how he'd look at her, anything. she wondered if she would be angry. she promised herself she'd be angry, that she would lash out at him and spew all the hatred that had manifested these past seven months. but she wasn't angry. and she didn't lash out because.. she didn't want to. she was so happy to see him. and to see how he still cared for her, it healed the wounds that he had left behindㅡ most of them anyways. the room grew terribly quiet as the atmosphere began to suffocate them, engulfing them in the gloom that jake emitted into the air. he let out a shaky breath, his shoulders heaving up and down as his sobs only seemed to elevate in volume.

y/n's eyes widened as she used her step stool to get down from the bed and walk over to him, wrapping her arms around whatever her body could allow her to. he was crying. every single emotion he had pushed down was starting to tear its way through his eyes, lungs, and mouth as he buried his face inside his hands. tears, snots, and spit pooled in the palm of his hands but he didn't care. he wanted to allow himself to feel. but he felt so guilty. he didn't deserve to be comforted by her. cause god knows who was there to comfort her. "i'm sorry. fuck i'm so sorry y/n. i never wanted to leave you. i was just so scared. i was already scared to ruin our relationship. and then you told me and i freaked out. i changed my mind as soon as i walked out but i was so scared to come back because that would be so shitty, but i thought about you every single day. i want to be in the baby's life. i want to be in your life. i'll do anything to fix things. i can't keep living like this. you deserve to be taken care of, both of you. and i want to be the one to care for you."

his words touched every inch of her body, from the top of her head to way beyond her toes. she didn't even realize she was crying until it suddenly became harder to breathe in her nose, the airways being blocked by a sudden stuffiness. she let go of him, going to wipe her own tears off as he wiped his hands off. "y/n? are you okay?" he asked as she finally looked into his reddened eyes. "i waited so long for you to say those words to me. i'm so overwhelmed and happy, jaeyun. please don't leave me again," she begged, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. he didn't even get to respond as he felt her lips graze his. their tears slipped through their lips as the kiss continued. he cupped her face, bringing her impossibly closer as he tried not to apply too much pressure to her stomach. the two of them walked over to the bed, he helped her get up onto the bed where they would lay for the rest of the day.

"when does your lease end?" jake asks y/n as he pours himself a bowl of cereal. she shrugs, taking a bite out of her burrito. she tries her best to think about the date she'd need to renew it. "some time at the end of this month, why?"

"i want you to move in with me," he says, making her choke on her food. she coughs up the remaining pieces out of her throat as she drinks water to calm down the new burning sensation. "well, my lease ends in two weeks. i've been saving up money so we can have enough for a down payment on a better apartment. what do you think about that?" he asks, sitting across from her. she was frozen, chewing her new bite from the burrito more than it needed to be. this was all so sudden. sure, she had wanted this for a long time, but she didn't think it would happen even in her wildest dreams. it just all felt so unreal. "am i overwhelming you?" he sighed.

"no," she said after swallowing the food. "i'm just- i don't know. i just.. think there's levels to this and this is skipping a lot of them," she says. he purses his lips and thinks about it for a second before nodding in agreement. "you're right. but i think it should be fine because it's what i would've done anyways. this is making up for lost time. i have to step up as a father, and this is what fathers are supposed to do," he says. "look," pulling out his phone, he opens safari and slides his phone over to her. she looks at the screen. it was an apartment with a lovely view of the city. "only a 15 minute drive from the university and it's close to a lot of the businesses in the area. i could get it now, or we can go and do a tour and-”

"you'd really want to move in with me?" she asked, looking up from the phone. he tilted his head to the side at her. insecurities were apparent, making him realize she was still wary of the whole situation. understandably, he smiles at her with his eyes and nods his head. "of course, baby. we're making a family together. i think living together makes more sense," her posture relaxes as she smiles slightly. a family, huh? she looks through the pictures more: 3 beds, 2 baths. would he want to make more with her? there's so many 2 bedroom apartments in the same area, why not choose those? she wanted to ask him, but everything was happening too soon. and she didn't even tell chaewon that she allowed the boy back into her life yet. "i think it's fine," she says, sliding the phone back over to him. "this is good. i have no idea how i could possibly fit all of everything that i wanted to give the baby into this small apartment anyways."

"okay, then. you can say hello to our new home," he exclaims as he puts his phone in his pocket. "i gotta get to work soon, so i'll be off before your last class ends. i'll pick you up then?" he finishes off the rest of his cereal, sliding the bowl, with its sugary milk, over to her.

"oh," y/n says as she looks down at the gesture, taking the spoon out as she silently sips on the liquid before talking again as if she were embarrassed to continue her sentence. "i actually am doing the online learning course, i figured it'd give me more time to tend to the baby." even with the small laugh she let out, it was evident that she wasn't happy like, the gesture was meant to be. jake nods his head as he gets up.

"then i'll come back with some dinner, let me know what you're craving before 8:30," he says, checking his pockets for his keys. while walking out of the kitchen, he takes one last glance at her before letting out a breath and leaving. y/n stays there for a while as she lets the silence engulf her. there were always so many things to think about when she was alone these days, but today the one thing on her mind was chaewon and what exactly she was going to tell chaewon.

a big part of her wasn't ready to talk about jake yet as she wasn't completely sure if she was dreaming or not, but the other part knew better than to doubt anything that happened to her anymore. and it knew she would have to tell chaewon one way or another. even if she didn't owe it to her, she felt like she deserved to know because she was there for her every step of the way. having jake would take this burden off of her shoulders, but y/n was immensely afraid that chaewon would be disappointed in her. how weak was she as a mother to take back the same man who turned his back on their child? very weak. but she wanted nothing more than for her child to be brought up in a warm and loving family with both of its parents because she believed that jake and she would be good ones, regardless of his initial response when he learned of the pregnancy.

"okay," y/n says as she finally gets up. "clean up first, tell chaewon after," she grabs the plates bowl, and utensils from the table as she walked over to the sink. one by one, she rinses the dishes off, one time, two times, three times before she opens the dishwasher to put them inside. she wanted to manually wash, but it would be putting too much pressure on the front of her stomach from having to reach over the sink for that long, so she reluctantly used the machine. after she finished that, she got the broom and began sweeping the floor. being too lazy to mop, she resorted to sweeping the living up as she did what she could to slow time down. but doing chores wasn't easy with her stamina, so after around 20 minutes of stalling, she decided to plop down on the couch and text her friend.

upon receiving y/n's message chaewon raises an eyebrow, but types out a reply nonetheless. she figured it was something important or something that was bothering because usually y/n would call. as she made her way to the car, she let her unspoken anxiousness run rampant through her mind about what could possibly be bothering her friend. while y/n stared at chaewon's notification, all that could be heard in the silent living room was the tapping of y/n's foot. she clicked her phone off, taking a deep breath as she waited for a few minutes.

telling chaewon about the situation proved to be easier than y/n's doubts had originally convinced her it would be. of course, chaewon's expressions showed hesitance for the whole ordeal, but at the end of the day she knew it wasn't her choice to make. and even though she wanted to beg her not to let him come back so easily, she offered her hand in support. and jake proved to be thankful; the day they all decided to meet up at y/n and jake's new shared apartment for some final touches, he conveyed his gratitude to chaewon. he thanked her for everything in the book that he could think of, especially for taking care of her in place of him and for staying by her side through it all.

"you know," jake said to chaewon as they looked at y/n's sleeping figure on the bed. she'd gotten tired after her day of fun with them. she'd just knocked out mid laughter, resulting in her innocent slumber while the other two conversed. "it's times like this where i wish i stayed. most guys, when they find out their girl is pregnant, just run off and marry her before the bump even starts showing, but me? i ran off like a deadbeat and hid in my bedroom scared. i should've been a man and stepped up to be a father sooner. you know, i saw her again, like- pregnant at a target. just shopping alone. i know how people think out here, i saw how people were looking at her before i came to her side. i can't imagine how much she had to endure before then. i feel so guilty. like i don't deserve to be here."

chaewon listened intently to his words, seeing the way he teared up over it. she hesitantly reached out to hold her hand on top of his, that action alone feeling like betrayal as he stiffened upon her touch, but she only wanted to comfort him. she swallowed before she spoke. "it's too late to change the past, you're here now."

"yeah. i suppose you're right," he removes his hand from hers as he nods and she didn't know why it upset her as much as it did. clearing her throat, she got up from the bed. "i should go now, right? it's late and i have class tomorrow," she smiles softly patting her pants to smoothen them. jake nods and gets up as well as he says "i'll walk you to the door."

"oh! that's not necessary," chaewon shakes her head, but he insists as he follows her to the door.

"i have to lock you out, so either way i have to come out here," he says, making her mentally face palm at herself. she'd read too much into the situation of course. it was silent as she walked out the door, turning around with her hands clasped together. jake raises an eyebrow silently. "hm?"

"her due date is coming soon. i'm going to step down from being her main support from now on. i want to prioritize my life now, so please fulfill that empty spot for me," she says, walking away before he could muster up a reply.

y/n's screams of pain filled the room as the doctors did everything in their power to talk her through the birth. her grip on jake's hand was painful, but he endured it because she was probably feeling worse than he was.

"that's it, ms.l/n, we can see the baby's head poking through now, just keep pushing, keep breathing," doctor kim says, but nothing registers to y/n as she keeps her eyes squeezed shut, tears flowing down her face as she sobs out.

"chaewon!! chaewon-ah, it hurts s-so bad," she brings her free hand to cover her eyes, wiping what she could. jake stays silent, only offering her a chaste kiss on top of her head, then on one of her tear stained cheeks. he couldn't be upset in a moment like this. right now, all he wanted to do was comfort her until this passed through.

"almost there and .... it's a boy!" hearing her son's cries fill the air was the first thing to bring her back to life. her soul felt like it was floating outside of her body until that point, but hearing the first sounds he's been able to make since leaving her womb, pulled her all the way back in. and feeling him in her arms for the first time made all of the pain and hardships she faced worth it. "jaemin," she whispered to the baby boy, whose cries seemed to subside once he felt his mother's touch. "you'll take the 'jae' from your father," jake's ears perked up as soon as he heard it. "look jaeyun," she turned to him with a smile. he looked down to see their baby, sleepily cooing while they both looked at him with nothing but adoration in their eyes.

"he's beautiful," was all jake could think to say. and it was true, jaemin was beautiful. even though he was covered in gunk and y/n's blood, he was beautiful. doctor kim watched silently for a few minutes before she felt it was alright to take jaemin away to wash him up.

"don't worry, i will bring him back to you after you all get your deserved rest, it was a long 15 hours, but you did it!"

"mhm, i sure did do it," y/n said, her eyes fluttering while she tried her best to stay awake during her tired state. after the doctor left with jaemin, jake wasn't sure of what to do. he scratched the back of his neck, sitting down in a chair while y/n closed her eyes. the room was a comfortable silence at that point, y/n's small breaths bringing the calm to a maximum. "jake?" she whispered, not thinking to speak louder through her drowsiness as jake looked up from his phone over to her. "yeah?"

"can you please sleep with me?"

his heart raced as he looked at her.

"yeah."

"that's a good boy, that's a good boy," jake tickled jaemin's stomach as the 4 month old baby boy cooed, using his small hands in an attempt to grab at his father's.

"he's not a dog jake," chaewon giggled as she watched the two boys. she sat on the couch next to y/n who was lying down, her back facing the group.

"hey, babies can be good boys too," jake argued in his baby voice, his attention still being on the baby he was rocking slightly in his arms

"that's fair," chaewon agreed, rubbing her stomach upon its sudden growling. "you guys hungry?" she asked, opening up her phone to ubereats.

"eh, i could eat," by now jake had gotten bored of standing up, instead he sat down with jaemin whose head was now being held up by the crease in jake's elbow while he sat at a respectable distance from chaewon.

"me too," chaewon says as she scrolls through the tabs on the app, being pulled in by all the food options that it offered. she hummed and slightly turned her head over to y/n who only remained silent, eyes focused on the closed curtains of their living room window. "how about you, y/n?"

letting her eyes focus on multiple spots of the room in front of her, it almost felt like she was searching her surroundings for an answer. but there was none. "i'm not hungry," she finally chose to respond before it was too obvious that she was still avoiding speaking.

"aw c'mon since when are you not hungry? you should be taking advantage of being able to eat whatever you want now that jaemin's outside of your body!" chaewon says, lightly nudging her friend's body, though the girl still didn't respond.

"well..." jake's voice suddenly piped into the conversation. "she's breastfeeding, so she still has to be cautious of the nutrients and junk she gets. can't have our baby being unhealthy, now can we?"

now it was jake's turn to be nudged. "aw c'mon, he'll be fine with a little tacos in his baby system! i'll order some now, matter of fact," chaewon said as she typed in 'tacos' in the app's search bar.

"alright, but none of that taco bell, we need the organics."

"well you're not gonna find that in korea.."

"fair enough," jake says as he gets up from his seat on the couch. "let's just go get some. y/n needs some alone time with jaemin anyways, we've basically stolen him away from her. isn't that right, baby?" he says, booping the boy's nose. he walks over to y/n, gently moving her shoulder in a way that would lay her on her back. she closed her eyes, not wanting to look at him as he placed jaemin on her, a heavy feeling forming in her stomach. he pouts, sympathizing with her tiredness as he places a kiss on both her and jaemin's head. "we'll be back," he says as he and chaewon quietly head out.

she only opens her eyes after she hears the door shut and lock. looking down, she sees jaemin fighting sleep as he is so at peace with her warmth, and it's only then that she's brought back to reality. the guilty feeling she would always get once she would hold him would come back again and she begins to ask herself why she was feeling the way she was.

carefully, she maneuvers herself so that she can hold him properly in her arms with a sigh. "god damn it, jaemin. why am i like this? i don't hate you, i know i don't. but why does it feel like this sometimes?" his lack of understanding towards her words makes her feel a little better, he dribbles and gives her a gummy as she kisses the top of his head. "i'm sorry, baby. i don't like feeling like i can only love you when it's just the two of us alone. this isn't how a mother should feel. you deserve better than me." closing her eyes, she slightly sways her body to become a human rocking chair to soothe him more than her warmth could do on its own.

"can you believe it's only been four months since he's been born?" although jaemin was nearing half a year of being with them now, jake already loved the boy enough to be able to talk about him nonstop for hours on end. he even went back to work early just to be able to brag about how healthy and strong his son would turn out to be. there'd even be nights where he and y/n would sleep with jaemin, and she'd wake up to see him have his back facing her, while jaemin would be carefully cuddled up to him on the other side. it was no secret that he loved his baby so much at times it'd be suffocating, for y/n at least. even when their parents came over to visit, they'd joke and say he must have been the one to give birth to jaemin instead of y/n.

even now, as the couple lay in bed, it felt awkward for jake not to have jaemin with them. it had been a mutual decision of theirs to have him sleep in his crib as sleeping in between two very active sleepers could potentially be dangerous. even now as they both faced each other, faces being dimly lit by their tv, his mind seemed to stay focused on the baby who was asleep in the next room as the smile on his face never faltered. y/n looked into his eyes, smiling back. she felt at ease being able to be so close with him without having to worry about keeping distance between their bodies for the sake of jaemin. it was refreshing. but she thought it'd be better if he would shift his focus to her, even if it was just for tonight. after these four long months of neglect, it's the least he could do for her.

yet, somehow his conversation regarding the boy never seemed to end. so, taking matters into her own hands, he put a finger to his lips, giggling as he finally grew silent. "you have work in the morning. sleep," she says, and he nods, the smile on his face staying the same.

"i must be keeping you awake huh?"

y/n hummed in response, using her thumbs to gently caress his face as he melted into her touch. "okay, then let's sleep," he said, gently removing himself from her hold so that he was laying on his back as sleep seemed to come over him quickly. she guessed it was easier to tire when it came to her. she turned her back to face him as she reminisced the days he would stay up and talk to her. she so naively thought that moving in together would bring them closer; it wouldn't be surprising if she woke up to an empty spot in the bed when she'd wake up later.

"i'm happy you're here, but you shouldn't have switched to online classes just to be able to see me everyday," y/n said as she changed jaemin's diaper, the boy kicking his chubby feet at her in protest to the cold baby wipe she swiped on his bum as she attempted to rid him of his potty mess.

"oh please," chaewon says as she waves a ringing teddy bear in front of the baby's face to offer a distraction for y/n to finish more smoothly. "going in person was only fun because you were there, plus i love that i have more time to see my best friend and my beautiful nephew!"

"he is beautiful, isn't he?" she said as she put the boy in his diaper, his hiss of fits finally coming to an end as she rocked him back and forth in her arms. "he looks so much like his daddy, too."

"well, i see the both of you in him," chaewon says, laying on her shoulder with a content sigh. "it's so crazy how much he's matured since he came back. i honestly held a grudge against him, but now i think you caught the stars with him. he's an amazing father," chaewon finishes, raising an eyebrow when she hears a small sigh coming from her friend. "what's wrong?"

y/n's complaint is simple. when chaewon asks her, she admits, "he's a good father, and he takes such good care of jaemin, of course, but i just wish he'd take care of me too, you know? he used to have real life feelings for me, now it just feels like i'm nothing more than a mother to him, now that he's a father." she prayed to god that she didn't sound jealous of her own baby. how pathetic that would be of her.

"baby... i'm sure this is just a first time parent thing. he's excited about the baby you guys made. i would be too, i mean, look at him! he's adorable," her eyes scan the baby's features, smiling softly at the sight before her. "don't forget what you feel for him too, though, okay? you love jaemin that much too, right?" it was something y/n never thought about. deep down she knew she had to love jaemin. she knew somewhere inside her heart that she adored him, and there were even times where she wanted to spend every waking moment with him, but she wasn't happy. or at least not in the way she thought she would be.

when she was first pregnant with jaemin, all she could ever think about was how badly she wanted to hold him. how badly she wanted to meet him and love him the way she knew best, but nothing she ever did with him felt like the magic she wanted. if anything, she was pretty miserable all the time. all the responsibility was pushed onto her, nobody else dealt with his crying, nobody else fed him, changed his diaper, anything. everyone got the luxuries of being around him while she did all the work.

she hated it, but that's what she was supposed to do, isn't it? she was supposed to care for her child while jake went to work to make sure they all got fed & taken care of. she couldn't possibly expect chaewon to pitch in, it wasn't her child. but she felt lonely, and even though it hurt her physically, mentally, emotionally, she couldn't just stop taking care of the boy. he was her responsibility. no matter what she did.

and she tried so hard to not direct those malice feelings towards him, but there's a big part in her brain that blames him. chaewon notices the silence and it tells her everything she knows. "a lot of things can happen to your emotions postpartum, y/n. there is help that you can get to get you through this. don't be mad at yourself for feeling sad, it's normal."

"yeah... i'm sorry. i just don't know how to cope with this stuff." chaewon shakes her head fondly and pulls the girl into a side hug, patting her back gently until she lets go again.

"don't be. i'll look into getting you help, but for now i'll look for temporary remedies." she smiles and kisses her cheek affectionately, pulling away once more before walking out of the room. "get some rest. we can talk more later, okay?"

y/n nods silently and watches her walk out of the room, deciding to put the baby to sleep in his room before she goes into her own to do the same.

chaewon's temporary remedy was one of the best gifts y/n could have ever wished for. it took some days, but she convinced jake to take y/n out on a proper date. after 4 months of solely focusing on raising the baby, the two of them are finally getting some alone time together. and y/n could not be any happier. he scheduled a shorter work day so they could go out sooner, and she spent the whole day getting ready. she had lost half of the baby weight, and due to the practices she followed to recover from the birth, her body looked almost the same as it had pre-pregnancy. she did her makeup as best as she could, threw on a matching velvet two-piece, and she even deep cleaned the house so it would look and smell good when he would arrive home.

when he came home, he barely had time to hug her and admire the way she looked as her hands were both already occupied. one hand held jaemin's sleepover bag, while the other held the sleepy baby in his car seat. raising his eyebrow, she only offered him a smile. "i'm ready whenever you are," she said, but he only laughed.

"i have to get ready too," he said, walking into the direction of the bedroom to do just that. the home was silent apart from the shower sounds as she sat on the couch. jaemin was in his cradle playing with the mobile that hung above his head. she didn't know exactly how much more patient she could be. now that she knew what the night had in store for her, she couldn't stop thinking about it; that made the wait so much more difficult to endure.

it felt like hours before jake came out of their room. his jet black hair was parted in the middle, partially slicked back on one side while his outfit consisted of a silk maroon button up with silk black pants and black loafers. her eyes couldn't help but widen as she looked at him. yep. they needed to leave fast. in the blink of an eye, she was carrying both jaemin and his bag, following closely behind jake as they walked to the car.

the drive was quiet as jaemin had fallen asleep in the back. jake's focus was on the road, while y/n's eyes were on him. after they dropped jaemin off at chaewon's place the plan was to go out to eat, but as they approached the highway that would lead to where the closest restaurants were, y/n started feeling a heavy feeling in her stomach.

"um, jake?" she says, lightly putting her hand on his shoulder. he turns his head slightly to glance at her before turning his attention back to the road. "how hungry are you? like hungry hungry, or just 'eh, i guess i could eat' kinda hungry?" she asks, making him cock and eyebrow.

"the second i guess, why? are you not hungry?" he asks, finally being able to turn to her when they hit a red light. she nods without saying anything. "not gonna lie, i went through hell getting that reservation. eating just a little won't hurt, right?"

"i'm sorry but my stomach hurts really bad..."

"y/n," jake says, pulling over to the side of the road so he could look at her while they spoke. "do you just not want to eat?" she doesn't speak back this time. he sighs, rubbing his temples as his other hand grips on the wheel. "fine. we don't have to go, i'm not doing this with you tonight," he says, his tone void of anything, but she could tell he was annoyed. he turns the car back on and pulls back onto the road, looking for the nearest place to turn around. this time, the quietness of the ride was uncomfortable. she didn't want to be in it, but she was afraid to speak; she wouldn't know what to say anyways.

instead of taking the route that would lead them home, he takes a turn that would lead to where they had come from: chaewon's house to which y/n begs him not to. "why are we going to chaewon's house?" she asks.

"we're picking jaem up?" he says like it's the most obvious answer.

"please no!" her voice was desperate, more desperate than he needed to hear. "it's just- i don't know when we'll ever get time like this again. i don't want to lose out. please."

"okay."

he takes a left, starting the journey to go their way home. his speed is faster than normal. she notices and doesn't like it, but she does her best to ignore it since she was getting what she wanted in the end. when they walked into their shared home, she was glad she cleaned up nicely because the atmosphere felt calmer than it would have been if the house was still a baby mess.

y/n thought she'd feel better, but her mood only worsens when she realizes jake still is upset. he goes over to the couch, flopping backwards onto it as he rested his head on the head of it. he unbuttons the first few buttons of his shirt with a sigh. she walks over to him with extreme caution, sitting next to him.

"are you alright?"

he just shrugs, mumbling under his breath, "this was pointless, if we were just gonna come back home." she purses her lips, biting back a frown.

"not completely pointless! it's nice to get a break from being a parent once in a while."

"for who?" he responds, "i have no problem being a parent, do you?" he turns to her, a look in his eyes daring her to say something. and it should make her intimidated, but for some reason it only blows her off the edge she was already doing her best to stay balanced on.

"would i be such a villain to say i do?!" she finally screams at him, the sudden change in volume catching him by surprise. "jesus christ, jake. i just don't get what's so special about him." her words spew a hatred she didn't know she could have at her own child and it angers jake more than any angry words could possibly explain.

"him? HIM?!? you mean our child?!?!"

y/n dodges the question as tears start to flow down her face. he looks at her in disbelief as he gets up from where he's sitting to walk away to create some space between them, but she only follows behind him, her built up frustrations finally clawing their way out her throat as she spoke. "all you care about is him; you're becoming nothing more than a dad, now and it's so. fucking. miserable!"

"well what the fuck do you want me to do, y/n?" he slams his fist against the wall, making her flinch. a split second of humanity was able to hit him again as he pinched his temples, a deep sigh being exhaled. "i'm not going back to being a deadbeat. i'm not going back to feeling burdened by my own decision. he's my son. our son."

"yes, jake. believe me. i know he's yours," she pauses, the lump forming an unbearable pain in her throat as she opens her mouth to speak again. "but am i?" she wanted to be strong. in all the scenarios where she had imagined she would be able to express her feelings, she was sure she'd be strong. it wasn't a phrase she had intentionally practiced for the hundreds of what-ifs her brain conjured, but it was the only sentence that could convey the hurt she had been feeling in her heart.

she cleared her throat, deciding not to let the silence last a second more. "aren't i supposed to be loved, too? don't i matter, too?" her attempt to keep her composure crumbled as she broke out into sobs. she knew it was supposed to hurt, but did it have to hurt this bad? she'd endured this feeling of unbelonging for such a long time, the least her heart could do was make it hurt less.

"y/n-" she hears him interrupt himself with a sigh as he walks towards her, pulling her into an embrace and resting his head on hers. he didn't know how to comfort her. there wasn't an easy way to put into words everything he felt for her, especially since it all came with emotions he didn't fully understand. "you matter so much to me. so fucking much, y/n. more than i can ever explain." he wrapped his arms around her tighter and she returned his affection, burying her head in his shoulder.

"please promise me that you mean it. please promise you won't forget about me " her voice wavered as she spoke, and he noticed how badly she was shaking. he wanted so badly to tell her how he felt, but he didn't know where he stood. they were never together. even if they both loved each other, it was never expressed because their situation didn't allow them to in the past. now things had changed, and he didn't know how they were gonna handle it.

"i promise." he whispered, hoping it would be enough.

she pulled away, wiping the tears from her face as she looked up at him. he gently smiled down at her, placing his hand on the side of her cheek, brushing her hair back from her face. she leans forward, wrapping her arms around him as she looked him in the eye. he smiled down at her, heart beating faster as he swallowed all his fears to express himself. "i love you, y/n, i'm sorry for pulling away instead of accepting it." the words caught her off guard, this was the first time he'd ever said such a thing to her. and it was better than she could've ever imagined.

tears spilled from her eyes as her lip quivered, she nodded understanding before pulling him into a kiss. she didn't know how long it'd been since they last kissed and it lasted only a second before she pulled away. "i love you too jake."

in an instant, his lips were back on hers, only pulling away long enough for him to look her in the eyes with a smirk as he asked "oh, do you?" their kiss grew sloppy as he lightly wrapped his hand around her neck, guiding her to the couch as he maneuvers himself so that he's sitting first. he pulls her on his lap, hands making their way to her waist as she grinded her hips against his growing erection, letting her tongue slip through his lips as he began sucking on it. he moved his hands up, fumbling with the zipper on her top before zipping it down fully. once he'd done that, she slipped out of it, her breasts falling down with a bounce before he latched his lips onto one of them, sucking slightly before releasing it with a loud pop.

there was no need to rush this time, they had the house all to themselves. their kiss lasted what felt like hours, only the sound of lips smacking and clothes rubbing against each other could be heard. jake pulls back for air, moving to unbutton his shirt. she only watches him intently wondering how he could make a simple action so, so sensual. he notices her stares and he likes it. his dick twitches and he realizes that, though the kissing and grinding is amazing, he wanted more. so much more.

"you gonna put those pretty lips to use or are we just gonna play around all night?" he asks making her eyes widen in excitement as she moves off of his lap to lay on the couch, unbuttoning and unzipping his pants before pulling them down to his mid thigh as she immediately latched her lips around the tip of his cock.

he sucks in a breath as she swirls her tongue around it, scooting down in his spot as he relaxed under her touch. "yeah, just like that," he praises as he pushes her head down so she can take in all of his length, fucking deeply into her mouth, not allowing her to come up even when she tapped on his thigh, gagging around him. "mmm, that's right." he finally let her come up to breathe, moving his hand to notify her that he wanted her to take control. she used the spit around his cock to her advantage as she let her mouth sink down until she felt his tip hit the back of her throat, doing her best to keep bobbing her head that way.

he hums and pats her butt, lifting her hip slightly to tell her to lift it more into the air. he does his best to pull her skirt off, letting her wiggle her way out of it, standing on her knees as he moves her panties to the side as he dipped his fingers into her wetness, adding two fingers. he sped up his thrusts, adding another finger as she kept going, teasingly stopping every time she would moan to the point of being inaudible. her legs started to shake as she resorted to only sucking the tip as she couldn't suck him any better with the way she couldn't stop moaning.

"get up and ride me," he tells her. she quickly obeys and inserts him inside of her, hopping up and down as she does her best to ride him, though her speed is slow. he smacks her ass, squeezing it harshly before spreading her cheeks apart. "good girl.. do you like making daddy feel good?" he asks as he grabs her chin and pulls her in for a kiss, this time letting it turn french. she moans into it, the lengths of his cock hitting her g-spot without fail every time she'd drop down. it made her speed and movement falter forcing him to grab her by her ass, lifting her body higher as he begins fucking into her, leaving her an absolute mess as she entangles her fingers into his hair breaking the kiss to moan in her ear.

"you feel so fucking good around me, but now's not the time to be a pillow princess," he again still praises as she tries to meet his thrusts. she has to take her hands out of his hair as she grips her nails into his shoulder, unable to fully process the pleasure her body was taking in. with the way her pussy clenched around him partnered with the pain from her fingernails digging into his skin, he couldn't help but be vocal about it. "you just wanna get pregnant again huh? you want me to fuck my seed into you again? you want me to reclaim this pussy? huh? you like that?"

squeezing her eyes shut, y/n just couldn't hold back anymore as she falls apart on top of him her first orgasm taking over all her senses, legs trembling from the feeling as she starts babbling between moans. he laughs as she rests her head on his shoulder, words still not forming correctly. "spit it out," he says as he slows his thrusts down ever so slightly so she could speak. she didn't know what came over her as she moaned out again, another orgasm hitting her as she came undone once again. she looks at him with a fucked out expression and says "faster."

his dick twitches as he complies, pounding deeper into her, feeling cocky, and only speeding up as he speaks praises into her ear. "you're so good to me, fuck y/n. you're gonna have to deal with me forever.. i'm not letting anyone even dream of having a chance with you. you're mine, all mine you understand?" she nods. "keep letting me fuck you like this and you're gonna be my wife sooner."

hearing this makes her moan louder as she smashes her lips on his, he keeps his speed, sometimes thrusting all the way in, staying there for a second too long for her liking, just to drive her crazy as she comes undone another time, finally making him start reaching his own pleasure limit. he doesn't change his speed or actions as he finally buries himself deep inside of her as he filled her with his hot seed. "you're mine," he says as she falls limp on top of him in exhaustion. she smiles and for the first time in months, she felt all the weight lifted off of her shoulders.

"all yours."

end.

#enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen x female reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen x you #enhypen smut #kpop smut #jake x reader #jake x fem reader #enhypen jake #enhypen jake smut #jake smut #jake scenarios #jake angst #jake imagines #enhypen angst

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cloutchaserkineme · 11 days ago

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What a race! I take back what I said about 2024 being the worst time for me to get into F1. This is actually a year of fun. Did I end up so anxious that I had to go to sleep by Lap 15 and woke up to wait for the results? Yes, but that's besides the point.

Now, for final checking of the astroweather* results (that ended up being a read not for the final race, but also for the qualifying one):

What a solid and fun race this weekend. I will never watch an F1 race live again that was not doing anything for my highblood pressure. Checking my predictions in chronological order of how I posted them:

Oliver Bearman isn’t bolded out considering he’s a backup driver, but funny enough the astrology hasn’t affected him as much too. --- Alonso - He would honestly prefer to be home instead of racing this weekend, and he should be at home considering his chart screams rest*** (Lord of his 6H of physical health currently in retrograde, and L12 alone in the sky ruled by a fallen Mars). There is also a good amount of people/planets in his 4H (home), which could indicate a good time outside of the race track in Brazil. As for movement and racing, probably not going too well for him --- Bottas - Similar to Carlos, he’d be going through it as well, but it will also be bolstered by his Jupiter-Saturn (generational planets) in Cancer and Capricorn, staving off the worst of it. Will the older drivers have some sort of huge afterparty after the race? There’s an indication of most of them feeling fulfilled and happy outside of the race, and getting frustrated while in it --- Albon, Gasly - the Water trine is still helping the two of them out, but honestly Gasly would fare better once Mars is in Leo. Gasly is a bit slower this weekend compared to Albon --- Lawson, Magnussen - lesser degree. KMag has it better though

Let's get to my blatantly wrong predictions first, which are:

pointing out Ollie but only to say he won't race

reading something completely different for the veteran racers on the grid

underestimating Saturn in Pisces for Gasly honestly good for you

Ollie did race, covering for KMag the entire weekend, and had quite possibly an insane go at it to practice for Haas in the rain, having a fun and memorable collision with Franco Colapinto in the earlier laps while the rest of the grid did their best not to collide with the walls.

He also had another not-as-fun collision among the lap because of low visibility and scared to damage the car and his life which honestly is scary for him. I still stand that the rain is good practice for all the rookies right now, but I do understand that the F1 cars of this season are not built as well as the previous years** were.

(KMag probably did have the time of his life not slipping and sliding in the rain or crashing his car. Did he miss out on the Senna tribute and the roar of the Brazilian crowd? Yes, but I suppose he's not the one facing high highs and low lows on the grid lol)

Bottas is rumored to be retiring next year, with his seat being taken by a Brazilian, while Alonso gave that radio message about essentially giving up on everything but wanting to finish the race for the team, which is one of many small wounds that hurt my heart about this race.

When I said I expected them to have fun outside of the track, I didn't realize that would mean they'd think of retiring. Kinda hurts even though I know it's for the best. It's always sad to see someone passionate about something (racing in this case) and choosing to let it go. But I suppose time moves on, eh?

There was one point when I logged on that Albon was P2 and Gasly didn't make it into Q3, that I thought this was going to happen only for Albon to suffer that nasty crash. I don't know how you people can watch sports live I physically had to stand up and get away from the screen with how emotional I got. But that's just me and that's just how the race goes.

Good for Pierre!! But more on him later.

Oh, Hamilton. Pluto first entered Capricorn in 2008 when he won the WDC with just one point ahead of Felipe Massa. And now, Pluto exits Capricorn, and he closed this chapter by flying his childhood hero's flag, racing his childhood hero's car, in the rain, waving the flag that he and his childhood hero now both share. I don't need to tell you more. It's all there.

It made the presence of Piquet Sr. on the track bearable for me at least. He's not banned anymore because the vote was overturned by the courts sometime last year and probably settled quietly. The ruling pisses me off but I have no power over the Brazilian courts. I don't know if it was appealed to their Supreme Court, but still. Nobody, not even this evil dried fascist raisin could take away the fact that Hamilton was chosen by the Senna family for the tribute, and that he raced so fucking well in his career. Hamilton must've realized it too, circling around the track again and again as he did. That is something he- as a biracial kid with talent up to his teeth and challenges embedded in his skin- will have forever, untouched by the bigotry and white supremacy inherent in the sport.

And besides, we have 2025*** to consider.

Norris - He is going to try to pull a Hamilton in Interlagos, possibly might be good driving in wet weather, but won’t be able to do so in a way that would be as memorable or iconic, considering he currently has a lot of planets in the derivative 12H of his Mars, which is indicative of hidden enemies and sleepless nights. --- xxx This might be a stretch to predict, but when I say Norris is targeted this weekend I meant that there is going to be something going on that he can’t see and these three, who have Sagittarius Mars, will come up behind him and zoom past. Unsuccessfully, I might add, but they will zoom past him. xxx --- xxx Lance and Lando both have an energy of being “alone” this weekend, but more targeted energy for Lando (as mentioned here) where “isolated” as in singled out, for Lance it’s “isolated” as in abandoned, which makes me wonder if Nando will DNF.

The two Scorpio suns on the grid went through it in Brazil lmao. Lance was abandoned, by which I mean he crashed then drove into the gravel on Lap 1, thereby setting off a chain of events more suited to the Benny Hill Theme Song than the DTS intro music.

Lance was sitting on there in the rain, with Norris and the rest of them making a false lap and a handful of leading drivers getting hit by penalties because he decided to park on there was funny.

Classic Lando also pulled off this major record breaking number of fumbling poles in all circuits in all kinds of weather because he is not being very gentlemanly towards the other racers on the grid.

I could connect it to the fact that Venus (ruler of F1 the Event) punishes those who go against the team spirit of the game, but I honestly don't need to. The inertia of it all has been compounding for a while now.

The fact that Lando is performing this badly while talking shit about the race choices, disrespecting his coworkers, not appreciating or being grateful for the car he's driving, attributing everything and anything about his losses to outside of him, and then losing any chance at a championship title on one rainy day? While the other racer he dissed, the only McLaren driver who has ever won a title championship currently on the grid, was all smiles? And the other racer he dissed went from P17 to P1 in a failing engine and multiple penalties and wetter conditions? And the other racer he didn't appreciate was his teammate whose defensive maneuvers went unremarked and unappreciated? Luck over talent or bravado over work?

Beautiful storytelling. 10/10 F1 The Event shenanigans.

Sainz - His strategic mind will be working against him this weekend, as the ruler of his Virgo placements and his Moon falls in a sign ruled by a ditzy, scatterbrained Jupiter in Gemini. He will take note of a lot of mistakes too much at once and he will lose focus.

The Saturn return team (him, Albon, and Gasly) had differing luck this watery weekend. Albon's bad luck with his Pisces stellium did not make it through, even though he was so close to the highest race start point in his career (and in another world, could have overtaken Norris. but the other 2019 rookie did that for him which was better I suppose). Sainz and his Virgo placements did not like the Sagittarius weather of today, crashing twice and incurring penalties. Gemini rising Gasly, who got the lion's share of the luck this weekend, healed the French Civil War. Insane work on all ends.

Verstappen, Leclerc, Piastri - xxx Piastri might put up a bit of a fight, considering he has a natal mutable square that will spread his energy towards a lot of places xxx Moon and Venus are not racing planets, and Mercury translates that energy (and does so poorly in Sagittarius too). Charles’ chart is not as supported this weekend, but that also means he has no constraints on his racing, xxx Mad Max has always been Mad Max, but now Mercury (and two non-racing planets) is perched in his 1H of self. He will, for the first time, try the politics game of F1 The Event instead of duking it out on the track. He will make a statement whether verbally or on track, he will tell a joke, but he would never tell a lie, and the general public will side with him- even though Norris still benefits from it.

LMAOOOO LMAOOOOOOOO they tried so hard but got so far and in the end it doesn't even matteeeeer lmao. Lestappen Family Values on top always very, very entertaining.

I forgot if it was during Sprint or yesterday's qualifying that had Max giving Charles the slipstream, then Max and Charles absolutely gunning for Lando's position, then Oscar going ahead of Lando but swapping positions, and now letting Max through the inside line during the early laps of the race, but Charles not letting Max through and being the only one who successfully defended against him throughout his crazy P17-P1 race in the rain.

Waking up to these series of images is so fun and I'm not even being sarcastic. Genuinely top of the shelf entertainment. I'm not watching this for the motorsport anymore I think but I get it now.

xxx Conclusion: Alonso shenanigans, Hamilton significance (doesn’t necessarily translate to a podium), possible car pileup or slippage in either final or sprint race (both will happen on different days, but which race is depending on which day it rains), really funny moment between Leclerc Family Front Row vs Norris. xxx I underestimated the Mercury supremacy- the three podium winners right now have Virgo placements (Max/1 - Virgo Moon and Mercury conj. NN; Esteban/2 - Virgo Sun and Mercury; Pierre/3 - Virgo Moon). I didn't take into account that the lord of their Virgo placements is currently in a mutual reception with Jupiter in Gemini because I was much more interested and therefore focused on the Mars-Pluto opposition, which was significant in a grander scheme. Win anyway!

Alonso shenanigans - that radio message is foreshadowing something

Hamilton significance - this man doesn't care about the outcomes of the race anymore. that spiritual boost of driving in the car is a high that will be unmatched by anything else anymore, the absolute racecraft shown by the rest of the grid in the rain, his secured contract in ferrari... he'll be fine.

3rd line - so final and sprint are different days despite the reschedule, obviously, but there were so many car pileups due to false starts as well as slippage on the track which was a half-step away from being a lake, compared to the sprint track. I'm so grateful nobody suffered too much injury because it would have been too much for this weekend.

really funny moment between Leclerc Family Front Row vs Norris - LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not the Leclerc Family!!!! However, a soon-to-divorce couple just got to the point where they take a moment to appreciate their relationship before splitting up for good next year I-

War is over. Ocon (right) will be racing for Haas next year, but this closing of a chapter for him and Pierre after years of enmity was nice. This was literally something to witness in real time. Alpine is the only team I follow on Bluesky and the fact that their double podium was what I saw upon waking up was so beautiful.

It was not Oscar, Charles, and Lando that was significant like I predicted, but a different trio entirely. A fairytale win to add to 2024's beautiful storyline so far- The French Civil War ended as childhood best friends turned enemies Esteban Ocon and Pierre Gasly, on their last season together as teammates, won a podium together. Alpine (formerly known as Renault) won in their boat-cars a good 16 years after the scandal of Crashgate, literally as Pluto exits Capricorn.

F1 is such an exclusive sport. It is like a multi-generational story that writes itself, cyclical in how it runs as well as how its athletes/sons work with each other.

This was a very fun weekend despite the heart attacks and the anger at FIA. But I still thank the goddess that everybody, including the engineers, gets to rest for a long while. See you next time around.

(30) 10:26 a.m. Nov. 4

*I didn't correct it because even though I generated it for the original scheduled race, I didn't take the ruler of the hour into account for previous astroweather posts. However, the two-races-in-a-day definitely threw this off because I read for ONE race. Still major fun.

**The cars are not going to be better next year. Previously, racers younger than Bearman and Colapinto could weather such conditions in good cars and not fear for their life as much. Hopefully they all fix this next year because what the hell.

***Generally the astrological patterns won't change as much from this year to next year, with the exception of the nodes being in the Virgo and Pisces axis. It is nodal reversal time for a number of drivers who have planets conjunct their nodes on the grid, and I'm excited to see how that will go for them.

pre-2024 Brazilian Grand Prix astroweather 🇧🇷

9:44 a.m. Nov. 1 2024 at my phone

Very, very late post but considering The Work that permeates throughout November and a busy busy month ahead, it's a sign of total inescapable brainrot that I still want to tackle this.

Chart generated for the 2024 Brazilian Grand Prix happening at the Interlagos circuit in São Paulo, at local time.

First things first- happy Solar Return to Lance Stroll, who has an unconfirmed birth time, as well as unconfirmed rumors that his girlfriend broke up with him during the break. I don't need to tell you that Water Sign men take it badly when they lose loves in their lifetime, but Scorpio has a derivative 12H in Libra, so losing any partner (but especially a romantic one) sets off a kind of undoing in a "do I even have anything worthy in me" kind of way, which doesn't happen with Cancers (who can flit off and find other distractions, would logic themselves out of hurt) or Pisces (who is being undone every other business day, and also the most likely to work through their emotional pain). I hope he has a clear head when he races, because that Sagittarius stellium squaring his natal Virgo Mars might prove tricky this weekend.

Now, two major things to look out for- the Grand Water Trine (by sign) is still there, along with the Mars-Pluto opposition, now exact at the anaretic degree (29°). The mutable square is out, as several planets have moved from Scorpio to Sagittarius, which will make this a better weekend for the Fixed sign girlies, and a world of chaos for the Sagittarius placements on the grid.

Lewis Hamilton (Capricorn Sun, Cancer Moon) won his first World Driver's Championship in 2008 riding for McLaren. He and his then-teammate Fernando Alonso (Leo Sun, Cancer Moon) were racing for McLaren, which had a Spygate scandal at the tail end of Pluto in Sagittarius.

A short explanation on the Anaretic Degree - The 29th (thirtieth) degree of any sign is a culmination of energy. It is the very last expression of any sign, the one with the most experience and momentum, and signifies a big end of something.

This is especially important because it shines light on the final moments of Pluto in Capricorn, which is a generational planet that has defined, among other things in the 2010s-2020s, a financial recession, a global pandemic, the disparity between generational knowledge and trauma, as well as revealing total mistrust in capitalist systems following the failure of traditional corporate institutions.

As for that particular transit's effect on Formula 1 The Event- Pluto moved into Capricorn in 2008, the year after McLaren's* spygate scandal. It unearthed, quite literally, corporate underhandedness within F1's working parts, which at the time also signaled a changing of the old guard at Ferrari (end of Pluto in Sagittarius, the centaur).

Fernando Alonso (Cancer stellium) and Nelson Piquet Jr. (possible Cancer Mars at 29°) were teammates in 2008, where Piquet revealed to the FIA that he was under team orders to crash into the wall in the Singapore Grand Prix to allow Alonso to pit and win the race, costing Felipe Massa (Capricorn Moon ruled by exalted Saturn Rx) crucial championship points.

Funny enough, found always at the scene of the crime is eternal rookie and Cancer stellium Fernando Alonso, who was crucial in finding out McLaren's little white lie in 2007's Spygate, and was a key player in 2008's Crashgate involving Renault.

This Mars-opp-Pluto transit in Brazil still has Alonso and Hamilton** racing, both in wildly different stages of their life and career despite being the only ones who could claim any longevity on the grid currently.

Mars hates being in Cancer. It is a passive aggressive sign, it can't flow and attack as well as it used to. It is watery when it would be more effective dry. The end of an era for F1 will be seen through this lens- and it will affect those on the track directly.

Placements of the current grid, minus the moon signs except for those whose names are highlighted. Oliver Bearman isn't bolded out considering he's a backup driver, but funny enough the astrology hasn't affected him as much too.

Mars in Cancer opposite Pluto in Capricorn ❗🐦‍🔥

Most likely to affect: Cancer-Capricorn personal placements on the grid, Cardinals (to a lesser extent)

Hamilton - It is a literal closing of a chapter for the only Capricorn-Cancer Full Moon person on the grid, Sir Lewis Hamilton, who won his first WDC as a McLaren driver after securing championship points in the same circuit in 2008, despite not finishing on the podium. Now, he is set to drive his idol Ayrton Senna's McLaren in the same circuit- which is now considered his home race, as he was given honorary Brazilian citizenship in 2022 (also during the tail end of Pluto in Cap, before it entered Aquarius briefly in March 2023). Aside from all that, the Sagittarius stellium is powering his own Mercury while squaring his Mars, his more active racing planet. I can't say whether it would be another fairytale win for him, because the "momentum" in this astrology is already tied up in his legacy, and I have some choice words for how next season will affect him.

Alonso - He would honestly prefer to be home instead of racing this weekend, and he should be at home considering his chart screams rest*** (Lord of his 6H of physical health currently in retrograde, and L12 alone in the sky ruled by a fallen Mars). There is also a good amount of people/planets in his 4H (home), which could indicate a good time outside of the race track in Brazil. As for movement and racing, probably not going too well for him.

Norris - He is going to try to pull a Hamilton in Interlagos, possibly might be good driving in wet weather, but won't be able to do so in a way that would be as memorable or iconic, considering he currently has a lot of planets in the derivative 12H of his Mars, which is indicative of hidden enemies and sleepless nights.

Bottas - Similar to Carlos, he'd be going through it as well, but it will also be bolstered by his Jupiter-Saturn (generational planets) in Cancer and Capricorn, staving off the worst of it. Will the older drivers have some sort of huge afterparty after the race? There's an indication of most of them feeling fulfilled and happy outside of the race, and getting frustrated while in it.

Sagittarius Moon, Mercury, and Venus ruled by Jupiter in Gemini

Most likely to affect: Sagittarius placements on the grid (especially Mars), Mutable dominant racers (to a lesser degree)

Verstappen, Leclerc, Piastri**** - This might be a stretch to predict, but when I say Norris is targeted this weekend I meant that there is going to be something going on that he can't see and these three, who have Sagittarius Mars, will come up behind him and zoom past. Unsuccessfully, I might add, but they will zoom past him. Piastri might put up a bit of a fight, considering he has a natal mutable square that will spread his energy towards a lot of places (quite possibly the same issues Carlos will face), and Leclerc will be coming for blood, but that's about it. Moon and Venus are not racing planets, and Mercury translates that energy (and does so poorly in Sagittarius too). Charles' chart is not as supported this weekend, but that also means he has no constraints on his racing, especially since the feminine planets are supporting his chart ruler Mars. Something about cutting to the heart of it. Mad Max has always been Mad Max, but now Mercury (and two non-racing planets) is perched in his 1H of self. He will, for the first time, try the politics game of F1 The Event instead of duking it out on the track. He will make a statement whether verbally or on track, he will tell a joke, but he would never tell a lie, and the general public will side with him- even though Norris still benefits from it.

Albon, Gasly - the Water trine is still helping the two of them out, but honestly Gasly would fare better once Mars is in Leo. Gasly is a bit slower this weekend compared to Albon.

Colapinto, Zhou - these Geminis are going to be in their own world, away from the mess of the Cap-Can placements, and supported by the fun times of the planets in Sagittarius. However, while I do see an element of play, considering Mercury is currently in bad shape in travel-loving Sagittarius, I kind of think these two will grease the old networking gears in Brazil. Colapinto more than Zhou*****, because he needs it.

Lawson, Magnussen - lesser degree. KMag has it better though.

Conclusion:

Alonso shenanigans, Hamilton significance (doesn't necessarily translate to a podium), possible car pileup or slippage in either final or sprint race (both will happen on different days, but which race is depending on which day it rains), really funny moment between Leclerc Family Front Row vs Norris.

*I need to find out what McLaren's inception chart is because they got a lot of scandals tied to Capricorn energy. Not to mention that they do have younger drivers compared to the others on the grid, while Ferrari and Mercedes (the former having legacy funding from F1, the latter being the biggest revenue-earner as of 2024) have confirmed rookies racing next year. It's throwing out sure earners in favor of new air, which is indicative of Pluto in Aquarius next year.

**Their synastry is so... cute to me. Alonso is Lewis' first teammate, and like Nico Rosberg after him, he also has Moon-Mars synastry with Lewis. Fernando respects Lewis as a competitor, and to this day Lewis is probably be the only one he would outright call a rival, since he doesn't consider anyone on the grid on the same level as him (though as a fatherly Leo sun, he admires the Air-dominant young ones' fighting spirits- see how he treats Liam and Franco). However, Lewis has never thought of him like that, because since he was young he has been in cahoots with (then later, a psychosexual homoerotic rivalry wringer with) Nico, who also has a Cancer stellium but, most importantly, major trines and sextiles, and a longer history with Lewis. Alonso never stood a chance. Nobody tell him that though. It might hurt him in a way he never thought it would. He's never cared about teammates, but Luminary-heavy people value external validation and fawning more than others- and the fact that he can't have even close camaraderie with the only guy on the grid who Knows Him That Long might suck.

***Not to speculate on an old man's health, but he must have contracted something a while back. Some transits in his chart are indicating a "viral" nature, which could either mean his Tiktoks/PR will be a hit or that he would literally get someone sick on the grid. I hope it's not Lance Stroll, considering the week he'd had, but honestly probably him. Lance and Lando both have an energy of being "alone" this weekend, but more targeted energy for Lando (as mentioned here) where "isolated" as in singled out, for Lance it's "isolated" as in abandoned, which makes me wonder if Nando will DNF.

****Checo Perez, also a Sagittarius Mars, is not included in here because he has been going through it already, this astrology won't change anything right now. He might be out of the danger zone surrounding the Fixed planets last week, but Aquarius placements are affected by bad karma. He must have done something in private, because he did not get off easy even when fellow Aqua-luminary Liam Lawson did a faux pas by flipping him the bird (shock among commentators and viewers who saw such disrespect to their elders, in his home race too! Not very fitting for the gentleman's motorsport, but Saturn likes his sons to fight, because then he could bring the hammer of justice down on them). However, Liam is indicative of the next generation attitude towards F1 racing- it is a new world of surprises and shocks. He'll be alright, him and Franco are not totally affected by this season's astrology. As for Checo, he only has Mercury in Capricorn in the Mars opp Pluto fight now, which meant that he'd be constrained in speaking what he really feels (Cancer Mars), but it won't affect much of what he's done. Last week was his test to pass, and uh. I don't think he passed it, folks.

*****The reason why there's not much media coverage on Zhou and Stroll is because they are sons of billionaires. They don't need the sponsorship from the mass media, nor will they flourish under the intense scrutiny of the press. Not that they're flourishing under the ignorance of the press either, but anyway. They are here for the sport. However, I don't consider either of them being bit by the racing bug despite probably not letting go of the sport any time soon, mostly because both of them refuse to rebel against something, whether that's the shit car they're driving or their own inadequacies. They're not fighting for the championship, which is what the racing bug wants.

#astroweather #i will stick to reading the FIA documents watching this live was not good for my blood pressure or my work stuff

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