#but it's hard to tell when like. an open jar of marinara goes bad okay

[paeinovis]

Oh two-year-expired cough syrup, we're really in it now

[the-grumpy-panda]

Eat Them Up, Yum!

No fish heads here. Just the remains of my counter top junk food blow out. I can use my counter again! The real treat within these treats may be the two (originally three, but one was cancelled on the sellers end, and of course it's the one I really wanted. Maybe next time...) chips I ordered from Canada, because why not? Thanks Ebay! I've already gotten candy from all over the world, so let's see what the Canadians are hiding. Besides the secret to producing attractive celebrities. Curse you Ryan Reynolds. Do you know how hard you make it for us average folk? Bastard. But I'm keeping Neve Campbell and Evangeline Lilly. They are mine now! Oh, and Emily VanCamp. Thanks so much. I'll probably just blow right through these and make any comments short and direct. I think I'm simply ready to be done with this phase of eating. **Quick note. Parts of this were written months ago. So excuse the fact that some of these treats may no longer be on shelves. Maybe I should change my nom de plume to "That Fuc*ing Lazy-Ass Panda." HEY! Even Grumpy Panda's get busy. Orphan Black marathons won't watch themselves. But don't ask me to tell you about the show. I'm merely in love with Tatiana Maslany. Wait a minute... lemme check this internet thing... WOW! Another Canadian! Yup. MINE. Seriously, Canada... what's in your water up there? On to the eaty (Fake word number 46.) things -Honey Roasted Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! Almost no discernible difference from a regular Reese's cup. The aftertaste is where this gets you, but not pleasantly. There's an acrid note coming way at the end, and a bit of an oily sensation somehow. -Barbecue Payday candy bar! Take a Payday, roll it in some dry rub barbecue seasoning, and you'd have this bar. It doesn't work all that well, though. It's not gross, and I think I've learned that peanuts coated with a dry rub barbecue mix would be delicious, but the barbecue does not mix well with the sweet nougat portion. At all. -Hershey's Cherry Cheesecake candy bar! An unpleasant smell is the first thing to greet you. It's like a cheap, institutional soap almost. Taste wise, I don't like it. Whatever they did to try to get the white chocolate (not something I'm a fan of to begin with) to taste a bit more like cheesecake is off, and it leaves me reminded of lavender candy... which is also not very good. This may be due to the cherry element. It's present, and were it not for the surrounding chocolate, it might be a decent flavor element. Maybe they'll try this part in another bar. Then there's the cookie bits, which make the bar look unappealing as well. Little dark pieces festooned like barnacles. I suppose this is meant to simulate a crust like element, and while it does add a needed crunch, that's about all it does right. -Strawberry Kit-Kats! Was strawberry a flavor in the mix from all those Japanese Kit-Kats I tried way back when? I can't recall, but if it was, I bet it was better than this one. Not that this one is wholly bad, it's just a bit mediocre. It smells of Frankenberry cereal, which is fine by me, but the taste is just too artificial and a bit too sweet. -Mike & Ike Cherry Cola candies! Aw, man. These smell like cinnamon. They taste like a cinnamon or spiced cola. It's cool the cola flavor comes through, but no cherry seems present and a spiced cola is not appealing. Anyone else remember when Pepsi tried that exact thing one holiday season? Yeah, it was gross, and these unfortunately remind me very much of that. Mike & Ike also have a Root Beer Float candy out, but I didn't see those whilst oot and aboot. (Is that Canadian enough to trick Mia Kirshner, you think? Yet ANOTHER fine example of prime Canadian genes.) -But wait! What's this that just became a thing in my life mere minutes ago.I kid you not. I wrote the preceding paragraph yesterday, and today this makes its existence known. How coincidental... and saddening.  Pepsi Fire soda! Pepsi with cinnamon. Didn't they learn from the spiced cola fiasco? If this wasn't handed to me, I never would have bought it of my own accord. It smells like dank beer. It tastes like sheer awfulness. That is all that need be said. -Mike & Ike Buttered Popcorn candies! I know I've had a popcorn jelly bean before, but I can't remember my thoughts about it. These can't be much different though, can they? To start with, they certainly nailed the stale popcorn smell of a run down theater. That's not necessarily a bad smell, just a distinct one. There is a surprisingly decent and understated buttered popcorn to these. Unfortunately the gelatin aspect of the candy overpowers the whole thing, so ultimately once the initial flavor burst subsides, it's like chewing a mouthful of unflavored goop. Which, I suppose, is exactly what candies like these are before getting flavor added. I will say I like them, and eventually I finish up the box, but I do think an extra dose of flavoring pumped into the mix would take these up a notch.   Ruffles Mozzarella & Marinara potato chips! These smell just like a cheap,  frozen mozzarella stick. If that's good or bad depends on how you feel about cheap, frozen mozzarella sticks. I'm okay with them. I don't get a lot of cheese flavor from these, but there is a very noticeable marinara with Italian seasoning element, and it's not bad. But not great, either. It's... fine. Were the marinara flavoring not so noticeably powdery, these would be better. Not bad, overall. I'd try them again down the road once I'd forgotten I'd had them before. -Ketchup flavored Pringles! These smell like a ketchupp packet left open in the bottom of a mop bucket. I think the bucket part might be the can permeating out. What are you making these cans from, Pringles? The taste isn't all that bad, though. I'm reminded very much of a cold, limp french fry dipped in ketchup, but with the crunch of a chip. I thought these would be gross, but they're serviceable. I wouldn't eat too many at one time, but I'll graze on them in the coming week. -Chocolate Peanut Butter Twinkies! I almost passed on these, because they just LOOK boring. Do they come out a winner, though. Nope. Dry as desert toast and a nearly missing filling makes these a quick trick by Hostess to use up leftover batter and get your dollars. Don't give them any! -Lay's Crispy Taco chips! Lay's Everything Bagel chips! Lay's Fried Green Tomato chips! Shoot. I can't remember enough for a full run down. So here's the quickness... The bagel ones were my least favorite. The fried green tomato ones were my favorite, but I also liked the taco ones. However, I thought the variety should have been different. The taco should have been the 'kettle cooked' version leaving the bagel for the regular chip. -Let's not forget Lay's Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Popper chips! I had them. Again, specifics escape me, but I was left unimpressed. I didn't hate them, but would ignore them if I saw them again. -Dunkin' Donuts Mocha Oreos! I liked these. Just enough mocha flavor complementing the chocolate cookie for an enjoyable treat. Goes great with a glass of whatever milk or milk like substance is your fancy. -Tropicle Fruit Punch flavored pickle! Because... because sometimes life is sh*t and fruit punch flavored pickles in a jar are there to hold your hand as you take that last step off the bridge. However... I found these unassaulting. (Fake word number 86.) They were fine. Not delicious, but just "Oh. So that's what a pickle soaked in Kool-Aid tastes like. Okay. This is a thing, though?" Wouldn't buy them again, but if I were at your cook out and you put one on my plate I'd eat it. And then dial the suicide hotline for you. I believe that brings me to a conclusion. And a respite. It is now close to mid August. That means... Halloween sweets are soon to be upon us. As early as August 7th, 2017, I saw Pumpkin Spice Cheerios and Pumpkin Spice Quaker oatmeal on shelves. Now THAT'S early. And just a couple of days after that, I saw the pumpkin shaped Reese's cups. Time to cash in savings bonds and get ready for a spooky treat fest. Or a trip to Canada. What are they building? They have subscriptions to those magazines. They never wave when they go by... what are they building up there?