#but it's great to get honest critique from someone with no previous experience of this side of the group members

[xcziel]

Hip-hop producer Sleep Deez introducing friend and colleague to Agust-D's second mixtape

their previous video was an introduction to RM's Right Person Wrong Place which is where i started watching and it's also a great vid

really enjoying seeing someone new finding out about the various facets of BTS members, and how educational the vids are music-wise. they are both dropping a lot of knowledge and appreciation for music production expertise

if you enjoy the rapline this pair of vids are super rewarding and validating

[youwontlikethisblog]

Betty's New Look

Previously I talked about Armando's rivalry with Nicolas and how that also motivates him to continue the affair with Betty. I've also talked about how Armando displays signs of s. addiction. I felt it was important to break that down to really understand this post in particular.

By understanding what motivates Armando in his quest to have affairs and understand why the man is so obsessed with the beauty standards of women we can now understand his behavior towards Betty.

I mentioned in that post that I have an OC that is portrayed to have s. addiction and how much research I had to make so I could write it correctly. However I didn't mention or explain as much something vital that I see in Armando as well.

Seggs can many times not only be a form of escapism or control but many times for reasons of self-esteem/worth. If the person believes that the only way they can ever feel wanted or loved is by acts of s. than they will often participate in said behavior to feel that way.

With Armando he doesn't only do it to escape the chains of a pre-planned destiny by his parents and fiancé but because he also doesn't really feel loved and he uses these models as a from for him to feel that way or at least wanted,(I mean the only thing he has that keeps his relationship with Marcela together is their seggsual relationship.) he doesn't only do it to feel like he has control over that part of his life.

I mentioned in another post that women enter Armando through the eyes. He is a very physical man. He is superficial when it comes to the women he sleeps with. He grew up in the fashion world where the standard is tall and thin. The beauty of women can only be found in those types.

What does this have to do with Betty's new look?

Though we've established that Armando is attracted to her personality, he isn't of her physical appearance. Does that make him a bad person? No. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes we find someone's personality so much more attractive than their outer appearance but we still dare to date them. Women are often told "you're too pretty for that man" because of this.

Armando isn't a bad person for that and he accepts to a certain degree that he is attracted to her personality but because he is such a superficial and perfectionist with the body of a woman he denies this. He denies any and all attraction to her for this exact reason.

He finds it so hard to understand why he would still be attracted to Betty and why he likes her kisses when he doesn't look at her as a seggsual object like he does to all the women he has had affairs with and that's because unlike those women Betty isn't a seggsual object and that throws him off.

Lets considered the fact that when he repeated what Bertha told him about Nicolas, that he didn't even think of her with a bad thought(one could assume she meant a perversive thought.) as he tells this new piece of information to Mario he said so surprised and when Mario said that it made sense to not think of her in that way he agreed. In an instant he contradicted himself. In his tone he seemed surprised that a man wouldn't think of Betty so much even with a bad thought but that he understood that no one would? To some degree, to some far end distance, Armando does view Betty as a woman but not enough to actively desire her as one like he has in the past with the models.

(I'll talk more about this when we get to the B-Day episodes 😏)

In the past when Marcela got a new look he commented on it. It was the first thing he mentioned as he said she looked great(Betty was a witness to this). However when he see's Betty's new look he doesn't even comment on it. For one because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and two because he doesn't want to lie so she keeps looking like that.

I think, in my very personal and humble opinion, that Betty looks fine. What ruins the fit is her hair but it is very 70's office chic. Like lets be honest if they took off the bangs, did a middle part, defined those curls, and didn't apply that much blush and lined her lips, she'd look so cute. Unibrow and braces with the glasses, Betty would slay. She'd look like a cute dorky person.

She IS very gorgeous to me!

I will fight anyone who disagrees with this and I will set up a time and date for it!

Now that we have established Armando's hesitation to accept Betty's physical appearance and why he doesn't want to comment on it lets begin.

In this episode Betty had just arrived to Eco Moda, her friends went to see her new look in her office as if she were the main attraction at the zoo and when leaving her office Armando over heard their commentary on it, once again being witness to the critique of Betty behind her back as none of them wanted to tell her how awful they thought she looked and they were her supposed close friends.

Marcela then enters his office and they talk about how Patty thought Marcela had caused those bruises on Armando, who tells her that the cuartel thinks the same and they start to flirt and then make out.

Just as they start to Betty exits her office.

Armando's reaction is a pissed off one. We see him roll his eyes and clench his teeth while he has his lips tight, even Marcela comments on it.

"My love you don't have to get so upset."

"No it's just embarrassing for all of us." He says and walks behind his desk and sits.

Betty struggles to speak for a second before grounding herself and saying that she just wanted to excuse herself to go to Marcela's office so she could sign the paper work for the loan they were giving Sofia.

Marcela only stared at her for a bit before she couldn't look at her without bursting into laughter right there and then.

Betty doesn't make eye contact with Armando he however stares at her with a concern look on his face, which is very different than his first reaction to Betty being in the room.

Now he watches Marcela sign the paper, he's got a crease between his brows that are furrowed, his eyes are saddened and his mouth slightly parted but still slightly tense.

This is a look of worry.

Betty excuses herself and Armando watches her leave while Marcela starts to laugh(Natalia really nailed the mean girl laugh).

As Marcela starts to make fun of her Armando asks her not to make fun of her and she tells him that whoever did her hair didn't curl it but stuck her into the electricity socket. Armando stares at her as she says these things with his lips pursed while squinting his eyes at her as she laughs.

He disapproves of what she's saying and it angers him that she is HOWEVER in a very classic manor he doesn't tell her any of this. Unlike the previous night that he literally started to hit the guys who were saying these awful things to her, saying that they had to respect her, here he stays silent. He doesn't even yell at her. Instead he turns around and goes to his computer.

I'm not saying that Armando should have hit Marcela lmbo! That would be bad and inexcusable! What I'm saying is that again we're shown the contrast and contradictions of Armando. While with complete strangers he demands for Betty to be respected and treated well he can't to that with Mario or Marcela. Not only because Marcela would get jealous and throw a fit about him telling her to be respectful but because he'd also give her cuerda(rope) to suspect and continue being controlling and with Mario because Mario would make him miserable if he shared even a fraction of his confusion or talked through his feelings about it all because he's tried it in the past but each time Mario makes a joke about it and he just shuts down. He's a coward to face the people in his life that really matter because he doesn't want to face the consequences of liking a woman like Betty.

The girls asked Betty if anything is wrong and she tells them no. Betty expressed her guilt and how she feels terrible whenever she sees Marcela and how she has walked in on them kissing and Armando making it obvious that he was angry that she interrupted them(It also explains his worried expression in the latter of said scene).

I've noticed many people just lump Betty as the insecure girl because of romance and that's really where her depth ends but Betty is a very complex individual here too(and I really want to make a more detailed post about it!).

She navigates a world that overall treats her poorly only because she's "ugly" but inside Eco Moda she navigates a world that actively prays for her downfall and who humiliate her in front of many only for the reward of laughing at her expense be their personal satisfaction. Yes she's dealt with bullying and people excluding her because they think she's ugly all her life but the cruelty that she faces in Eco Moda goes beyond and above.

These people are supposed to all be people of class, people she views as superior to her in all aspects. It isn't just humiliation that she faces for her physical appearance but she faces an over all humiliation for simply being a human existing and even then, even as she feels so terrible of herself, as she hates the way that they humiliate her, she still thinks of them superior to her and their opinion matters to her and because of this, despite their disgusting behavior, Betty still has some respect for them on the professional side. She still respects their authority inside Eco Moda and their vitality to the well being of the company.

Betty is such a sweet person at this stage of the novela that she still respect these people but it's so hurtful to see because she also does this because she thinks she deserves this.

Trauma affects a person in more than one way. Her life experience has been painful, isolated, grim, cruel, and lonely; add the traumatic relationship she had with Miguel to this, Betty doesn't have a self-esteem. She doesn't have a sense of self-worth. Betty, in such a terrible an awful way, believes that she isn't deserving of respect for simply existing, much less of voicing how it makes her feel when they treat her the way they do.

She doesn't understand why her father takes so much care of her. She doesn't understand why anyone would ever be nice to her. She's shy, timid, reserved, afraid. This is exactly why she was so impacted by Armando's behavior towards her. It wasn't just because she has no self-esteem. It's that someone treated her as a human being worthy of respect for simply doing her job and existing.

In the following scene, which is a parallel of a scene I previously talked about(post You Betrayed Me!) Armando's behavior is vastly different.

While in the past when he heard them making these crude jokes at the expense of her[Betty] boyfriend Armando seemed scared, angry, worried, and humiliated to a certain degree but this time his demeanor is different. This time he squints his eyes at Patty. He looks at Marcela with disapproval without hiding it. He visibly looks pissed.

"Did you see her clothes? No one would undress her with that!" Patty and Marcela laugh.

"Who would want to undress her?" Marcela says and they cackle, seriously, they cackle a lot. "I think Beatriz goes to the gyno and he tells her not to get undressed, that he'll examine her over her clothes."

"Obviously! She'd tell him "Doctor could I get undressed?" she mocks Betty's voice. " and the Doctor would tell her "No please, please! Don't do it! I beg of you!" she clasp her hands in front of her, pretending to be the Doctor begging. Armando had passed by her, squinting his eyes and now he's behind Marcela, far away, still hearing their conversation staring at them in disbelief and anger.

"Could you imagine what it must be with the boyfriend?" Patty says while Marcela laughs.

"No! See, she's so ugly that he doesn't kiss her, he hits her." they laugh. Armando stares at Marcela with disdain.

"Again with the jokes against Betty?" Marcela turns to him laughing.

"No. No they're not about Betty. They're about Betty's boyfriend." this time, unlike before, he doesn't change his emotions. He squints his eyes at Marcela once more. "and what he has to face tonight once he sees her." She covers her face laughing.

"Maybe he already saw her." to Marcela this line holds no meaning but to the audience it does and it isn't only for comical effects. Armando is now saying that her[Betty] boyfriend already saw her i.e. him. He is now out loud in his own way confronting the fact that he is her boyfriend to himself, while before he wasn't even able to say it to Betty or himself this time he's confronting himself about it.

Betty walks past Armando and he watches her as she walks towards Marcela and Patty who are still laughing, she bumps into Hugo who laughs at her, and they don't hold back at making it obvious that they are laughing at her and making jokes behind her back.

"Who is that creep?" Hugo voices loudly. Armando turns to glare at him. "Betty's cousin?"

"No Hugito that's the very same Betty but like a new version." Patty says.

"She went with the enemy so they could dress her and style her hair." Marcela says.

"What hairdresser? Because he didn't do highlights, he did lightning bolts." Hugo jokes.

The model and the rest laugh while Armando visibly controls his anger, but doesn't hide it or pretend to be unbothered as he shakes his head at Marcela and Patty and marches away from them.

Compare this to his previous reaction, while Marcela knew that Armando didn't like that she was making fun of Betty the other time he didn't actually voice his disapproval, he even laughed at one of the jokes that Patty made until he heard Marcela call him[Nic] a Multi-Millionaire. This time he finds no humor, he doesn't even feel offended that their making fun of Betty's boyfriend or hurt, he feels furious that they are.

However in the following scene all of that good behavior is squashed like a bug. He sits with Calderon talking bad about Betty's new look.

While Calderon tries to make him be a good boyfriend Armando scoffs and questions "praise her new look?"

"You haven't praised her new look?" Calderon whispers alarmed. "What are you? A beast? An animal? An ignorant!" he hisses. "Look there's nothing worse, nothing that humiliates a woman more, that tramples her ego, that ends her love for a man than you not praising her new look."

"What? Do I give her four hallelujahs for the hairdo? What?"

"No but Betty isn't the only woman that goes through that, my god. Almost all women are a disaster when they change their look but you still praise her new look! It's that simple." Armando sighs. "Look when a woman changes her look she changes it for A: her husband. B: the lover. In this case we have one true god." Armando purses his lips and rolls his eyes. "So then my dear god, praise the new look."

"She won't believe me. She won't believe me. The entire world has made fun of her for it. She'll think I feel pity for her, consoling her, or or worse that I'm making fun of her like the rest.

"Then the time for you to demonstrate to her that you're really serious[about this], that your love goes beyond the physical(goes on to list all of her physical flaws)" Armando looks pained to be the poor fool to have to "Accept" this. "well the list is long but if I were you I'd make love to her just as she is." Armando slowly, repeatedly blinking, turns to look at Mario. "well it's the only way for you to show her that you love her, that you desire her."

"Be very careful, Calderon, because with the simple fact that I already kiss her, with that fact alone, I'm paying in life what I should be paying in death." He whispers. "And besides I'mma tell something for me... to do that to her, never. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps." He stands up.

"Well you better start to prepare yourself. Where do you have Adrianita's picture?"

Yes I've talked about how women enter Armando through the eyes but that doesn't justify his behavior, it merely explains it. The objectification he has on women as seggsual beings clouds his judgement and blinds him to see past that. While he doesn't like that people make fun of Betty, he does worse. He doesn't make fun of her, he verbally humiliates her by the mere fact that he compares kissing her to a punishment, that he finds her affection to be a torment only for the fact that she's "ugly".

Armando continuedly flip flops from caring about Betty and her best interest to only caring about his. We're barely starting to see him take notice of Betty's interest but he still focuses mostly on what he wants and what he feels comfortable with. He doesn't once wonder if Betty does.

He finds her kisses a punishment because she isn't pretty. He finds her affection a torment because she isn't pretty. If she had the body and face of AA and the personality of Betty mans would proclaim it to the four winds and the seven seas. He would dump Marcela on the spot for her.

People are allowed to have types, we all have them. When do we draw the line between types and actively dehumanizing a certain group of people? When it no longer is based on preference but hatred and fear of said group.

Armando to this point hates that Betty isn't society's beauty standard. He hates that she isn't his idea of woman perfection but he lives tormented by the fact that he still cares about her. That he doesn't like it when people treat her poorly or make fun of her. That he hates it when they dehumanize her, (except he's a hypocrite because he does the exact same thing and he allows his best friend to do that exact thing.) and that he secretly enjoys her kisses and her affection. He hates all of this which is what truthfully makes him a miserable piece of ish.

These episode however are meant to help Armando accept Betty's physical appearance to a certain degree(lol I'm saying that a lot). He is forced to accept that he can't control the way a woman looks and that he can't change it either(I'll talk about this in the next post) Here he is faced with Betty's new look and he's forced to think about her feelings first than his own. He's confronted within himself that he is Betty's boyfriend. He is forced to find a way to tell her that her new look isn't it without tearing her confidence to shreds.

In other words Armando is forced to accept that Betty isn't a seggsual object but just because of that it doesn't mean she should get treated horribly. That the respect she deserves isn't only because of how good she is at her job but because she's a human, a person with feelings and with struggles of her own and that he doesn't like it that people don't see that.

But it foreshadows as well that he also has to accept Betty's physical appearance as it is and be okay with the attraction he has towards her, or at least prepare himself to accept that attraction.

Now as Armando and Calderon talk about how hot AA is Betty interrupts and leaves the office but overhears Armando call AA a mamasita and say that if she ever showed up that he'd throw everything away and marry her on the spot.

She seems annoyed by that as she shakes her head and walks away from the double doors.

Obviously our girl is hurt because not once has Armando mentioned her new look, not once has he made the effort to say anything about her physical appearance but there he is talking about how he'd end all his relationships without care of consequence if AA showed up and he'd marry her for the simple fact that she's hot.

Men really only have the audacity!

Here Betty is trying to escape her comfort zone(though she didn't get far from it) for the sake of Armando's ego. She's willing to face humiliation and ridicule if Armando likes her new look, even if she feels uncomfortable and knows how people are insulting her behind her back, and he hasn't said a single thing, instead he comments about how hot AA is.

I do want to note that Armando is behaving more like a boyfriend now. While in the past whenever the subject of his crushes or infatuation on Models was brought up he didn't reserve himself to express how hot they were or how he wanted to look presentable for them except now he pretends to show no interest in them when she's in the room. Better yet he pretends to be offended that(when the two models went to ask for their paycheck and tickled him) they'd flirt with him or try to play with him. Except this time he pretends like he isn't even aware of how hot she is and only is interested in her in a professional matter but as soon as she leaves the office she over hears how he truthfully feels.

She knows him well and because of this it does hurt her.

[angryinternetduck]

When All Feels Lost Chapter Three: We'll Be Alright Nerves, fancy boas, a phoenix rising from the ashes. A princess is left on a cliffhanger, Harry's a dramatic Renoir painting, and you dive in headfirst. It won't be an easy ride, but you'll be alright. Warnings: Explicit language and more of the heavy topics from last chapter. about 8,000 words << prev chapter | series masterlist | general masterlist | ask ~*~ “You look nervous,” Harry murmurs into your ear as he appears next to you. His hand hovers at your waist, charm turned up high as he gives smiles and waves to the people walking into the theater.

You shrug, keeping your own smile on your face as you say, “Looks can be deceiving.”

“You’re gonna be great,” Harry tells you anyway.

“Sure hope so.”

Around you, the theater looks nothing less than glorious. All the lights are on, a warm golden against the deep burgundy of the walls and carpet. Diamonds glitter, shoes shine, dress hems flirt with the floor.

There’s a low hum of chatter from the masses of people filtering through the lobby and making their way to their seats. Lights in the chandelier hanging miles above you twinkle and clink as they shift in the soft breeze floating through the open doors.

Despite what you told Harry, he’s right; you’re nervous as hell.

Which makes sense. It’s opening night. Of course you’re nervous.

Your first scene is a few scenes into the second act, meaning you have plenty of time to help Harry greet everyone up front before heading backstage to get ready. It’s quite different than all of your previous opening night experiences, but it’s no less nerve-wracking. In fact, it’s significantly more nerve-wracking because of how much is riding on its failure.

A small man wearing a beret and large glasses catches your attention, and you nudge Harry so he sees him too. Harry nods, confirming your suspicions: that’s the critic from The New Yorker.

Harry wiggles his eyebrows at you.

Laughing slightly, you walk over to the critic and start to fiddle with your purse. He looks up, thick eyebrows furrowing at the sight of you. “Hello,” he says curtly, and you smile at him. “Hi,” you reply. “You’re here for Fatigue?”

“Yes.”

“A critic?” you go on.

“Yes.”

You clear your throat, slipping your hand into your purse. Lowering the small bag to waist height and glancing around to ensure no one’s looking your way, you murmur, “I’m a co-producer of this fantastic play...” You shift your fingers to show him a few hundred dollar bills. “And I’m sure your review will be nothing less than spectacular, correct?”

The critic scoffs, eyes widening, and he whips off his glasses in rage. “You dare attempt bribe me?” he hisses. “You think I, a critic of high moral and dignity, can be swayed by a few measly dollar bills?”

You struggle to hide your grin.

“I can assure you, madam,” the critic continues, “this review will be short and honest.”

“Oh, no,” you say.

The critic scowls at you, barks a crisp, “Goodbye,” and storms out of the theater.

Turning around, you meet Harry’s gaze and snap your fingers in a sarcastic oh, drats sort of fashion. Harry grins, and this time you don’t hide your own smile as you mirror his expression and walk back to him.

“Too easy,” you tell him.

Harry smiles. “And now we wait for, uh - Joe,” he says, reading an email on his phone.

“Joe,” you echo.

“Dziemianowicz.”

You blink. "What’d you just call me?”

Harry snickers and tilts his phone so you can see the name on the screen. Sure enough, it says Joe Dziemianowicz. “‘The esteemed critic from the New York Times,’” you read. “I’m sure he’ll love this.”

Harry shakes his head. “I certainly hope he doesn’t.”

“Right,” you say. “How do you know he won’t react like, uh - like The New Yorker guy?”

“Because I’m such a charmer,” Harry replies with a sweet smile.

You raise a brow. “And I’m not?”

“You are,” Harry says, shrugging. “When you want to be.”

“You flatter me,” you deadpan.

Harry grins. “I do try my hardest.” He points out a guy with a notebook under his arm, then tells you, “I’ll catch up with you later, yeah? Make sure D’Angelo’s not fainted yet.” He walks off, and you watch him for a second.

The plan is to get as many awful reviews as possible. Most of them should just come naturally - no one could watch the play and give it any positive comments at all - but you’re guaranteeing two of them to be absolutely horrific with bribes.

The critic you just attempted to bribe from The New Yorker should give some sort of irate nonsense about the dishonorable intentions of the producers of the surely terrible Fatigue. As for the fellow Harry’s heading for, his review will be more detailed in its critique. Harry’s goal is to actually bribe this Joe Dziemianowicz successfully - but for a bad review.

As Harry begins his explanation to Mr. Dziemianowicz, you slip through the crowds until you reach backstage, where D’Angelo is, in fact, on the brink of losing consciousness. He’s taking small sips of water from a glass in which you can see small pink feathers floating. They’re probably from the large pink boa he’s wearing over his suit, which is a slightly jarring green color covered in tiny pink butterflies.

“Angel,” you greet him, giving him a hug.

“Oh, Magenta,” D’Angelo replies woefully. “It’s a disaster. A complete and utter disaster.”

You sigh. “It hasn’t even started.”

“Oh, but when it does, it shall go down in flames.”

“And from the ashes shall rise a phoenix.”

D’Angelo gives you a faint smile. “I do adore you, darling.”

“And I you,” you say with a grin. “Come on, Angel, we have a play to put on.” You gently lead him through the dressing tables, where everyone’s getting ready. Someone glues orange lashes on while another person zips their dress; an actor expertly quiffs his hair in the corner with a loud can of hairspray.

“Your optimism… is inspiring,” D’Angelo murmurs, absentmindedly fixing someone’s collar as he passes. “That’s the goal,” you tell him, taking his glass of water from him when he holds it out to free both his hands. He takes a makeup brush and palette out of a girl’s hand and begins to brush some product on her face. She looks slightly startled, but doesn’t say anything.

“Where’s your Harry?” he asks as he works. “Charming the audience, I presume?”

You start to reply, stop, and then decide on, “Um… probably.”

“He certainly has a way about him, doesn’t he,” D’Angelo muses.

You clear your throat and look down, smiling involuntarily. “Yeah.”

D’Angelo sighs. “You must remember to keep your head up.”

Impulsively, you snap your chin up straight, then realize he’s talking to the girl whose makeup he’s doing. “And keep your voice up as well,” D’Angelo continues. “Project, my dear. You have a very pretty voice.”

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“Also,” D’Angelo adds, handing her makeup products back, “your blouse is inside out.”

Flushing through her makeup, the girl looks down at her blouse, which is, in fact, inside out. The tag waves at you from her neckline. She looks a bit horrified, and she hurries away to correct it as D’Angelo ambles on.

“Have you talked it out yet?” he asks. “With Harry?”

You frown. “Huh?”

“Oh, you know,” D’Angelo hums, giving you a lazy smile. “The ‘what are we’ talk.”

You’re too surprised to even reply, but D’Angelo takes your surprise for denial. “Oh, don’t play coy, Magenta. To steal the wise words of Miss Swift” - he clears his throat - “you could see it with the lights out.”

“Sometimes,” you tell him, “you’re just a bit too dramatic.”

He catches your eye. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

You hold his gaze. “You are.”

“Your acting talent is astounding,” D’Angelo murmurs, looking away.

“I think I preferred your hopeless talk of your failing play.”

His brows jump. “My failing play,” he echoes incredulously.

“Our failing play,” you amend.

“Go find Harry, darling,” D’Angelo tells you with a smile, “and stop bothering me.”

You grin. “If you insist. Break a leg, Angel.”

“I’ll break yours if you keep talking,” he says. “Run along, now.”

***

The theater, sweeping out below you in a magnificent blend of golds and reds, is truly breathtaking. You’re in the balcony seats reserved for you and Harry now, watching the chatter and buzz of the people below.

You nudge him and echo his words from earlier. “You look nervous.”

“I am,” he mutters.

“Don’t be.”

He laughs wryly, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. “Gee, that fixes everything.” You sigh and sit back in the chair, looking down at the stage. “It’ll work. There’s no way it won’t.”

“I know,” Harry says softly, looking up.

There’s a beat of silence. You’re not sure what to say. Then the lights begin to dim, and Harry leans back again. In the darkness, you feel his hand find yours. He squeezes your hand, then lets go.

The conversation fades, and Charlie Manswell, playing Leopold Gray the retired FBI agent, walks out onto stage. He looks even more nervous than Harry does; you can see his hands shaking from all the way up here.

The play drags on. Neither you nor Harry says a word at all. Tension settles, heavy and dense, thickening in the air between you and Harry. An hour in, a group of people walk out. Low murmurs sound throughout the theater, and then it goes quiet once more.

You and Harry exchange a glance.

A few minutes before intermission, you go down to start getting ready for your part. Backstage, D’Angelo has calmed down significantly. He looks to be in a bit of a daze, holding his half-empty glass of water in both hands.

“Ah, Magenta,” he greets you when you say hi. “Just in time. Your costume’s over with Madeline… Stay away from the makeup, darling, Madeline will do it for you.” A smile teases the corners of his lips. “No more catastrophes, thank you…”

“I’ll try my best,” you reply, walking over to get changed. Your nerves intensify as you get dressed and made up. A swarm of butterflies turns your stomach over, adrenaline spikes through your veins, sweat gathers in your palms.

Standing in the wings just out of sight, you close your eyes and take a deep breath. The lights dim, the curtain lifts, and you open your eyes. Your gaze darts over the crowd, struggling to see anything through the bright lights.

It takes a second to process, but a grin’s breaking out across your face almost before you can fully form the thought: the theater’s practically empty. People must have walked out during the intermission, you realize with a quiet, giddy laugh.

Charlie, standing on stage, must have noticed too; his voice wavers just slightly through his first few lines. You feel a twinge of sympathy for him. Despite everything, you do feel terribly for all the actors who really are taking this seriously. They’ll still get their cut, though, if not a great review in the newspapers.

When you see your cue, you walk out and begin to act.

Ridiculously, it feels good to be on stage again. Even if it’s doomed to fail, if it’s a joke, if your already nonexistent reputation will almost certainly take a nosedive after this play even if it’s the best performance of your life.

The second half of the play goes much faster than the first. You’re taking bows before you realize, and you smile happily not because of rambunctious applause, but because of the few scattered claps you receive from the nearly empty audience.

Harry’s giving you a standing ovation from his box.

Backstage is quiet after the curtain falls. D’Angelo, surprisingly, is the most cheerful, popping around and giving everyone enthusiastic feedback. He’s exchanged his glass of water for a flute of champagne, which he sips at elegantly in between words.

“Wonderful job, darling, positively splendid,” he says to you, patting your cheek. To Harry, he adds, “And wonderful play, Mr. Styles. The reviews shall be the first of their kind.” A grin begins to spread across your face, and D’Angelo winks at you before whisking off to console someone crying by the mirrors.

“The first of their kind,” Harry echoes under his breath.

You laugh and reply, “He got that right.”

“Let’s get food,” Harry suggests. “I’m starved.”

Nodding, you tell him, “I’ll meet you at the diner,” and grab your stuff to change out of your costume. He walks off, saying goodbyes as he leaves. After changing into something more comfortable, you do the same, hugging D’Angelo goodbye and talking with a few people on your way out.

A Fleetwood Mac song is playing on the jukebox when you walk into the diner. Harry’s chewing french fries, staring out the window. He looks pensive, and you tell him that as you slide into the booth.

“I am,” he admits quietly. Then he tacks on, “Worried” like it hurts to say. “I’m worried.”

You bite your lip, watching him for a second. His eyes are downcast. “Your ringer’s on, right?” you ask, nodding at his cell phone. Harry nods, picking it up. “She’ll call,” he murmurs, sounding like he’s trying to convince himself.

“She will,” you assure him. It’s the company manager you’re talking about, who will hopefully decide that between the attendance - or lack thereof - and horrific reviews, she can’t keep your play open any longer.

“Ninety percent of the theater walked out,” you go on. “There’s no way they won’t close us.” Harry shrugs, leaning back and clearing his throat. “Er… yeah. Yeah.” He nods, an air of finality around him as if he’s done talking about it.

Tapping your fingers against the table, you hesitate for a second before speaking again. “Not to… pry or anything, but what happened with you and her?” you ask. “Gwen? The company manager?”

Harry’s brows jump. “What makes you ask that?”

A tad embarrassed, you shake your head. “Oh, it’s… nothing. Just with… Aurora… and what you said about, uh - Tanner Smith liking your old… girlfriend… presumably…” You laugh, a bit awkwardly. “But you don’t have to answer that. Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Harry says. He shrugs, looking at his glass of water. “Yeah, we had a thing. It was a while ago. We, erm… We were pretty close.” A small smile curves his lips as he traces shapes in the condensation on the glass, and your gaze shifts to the window.

“We worked on a project, a big play we wrote together… Smith helped with that. She’s gorgeous, Gwen…” He pauses again. You regret asking. Finally, he clears his throat and goes on, “Er, but yeah, he took a liking to her. That’s really the only reason he still invests in anything, I think. He keeps hoping she’ll come back.”

He looks up, giving a wry laugh. “She won’t. Aurora scared her off. I brought her to the hospital and she kind of… It was too much. She was a little bit… she wasn’t very…” He clears his throat. “Nice with her. With - er, with Aurora…” His smile fades into something a little bit more genuine, and he meets your eye. “Not nearly as nice as you are with her.”

You frown.

Another bit of a pause, and he looks back at his glass. “But, erm… yeah, Gwen wasn’t a huge fan of the whole… taking-care-of-a-sick-child-in-the-hospital thing. She said all this stuff about commitment and not even wanting -” His jaw clenches, and he makes faint air quotes with his fingers as he mutters, “‘Normal kids’, much less a kid that…” He fades off. “I dunno. Wasn’t great. So.” He looks up and shrugs. “That’s that.”

“Wow,” you breathe. “I’m - I’m sorry. That’s awful.”

“Don’t be,” Harry sighs. “It’s over now.” He gives you a half-smile, popping a fry into his mouth. “I’ve gone and ruined the mood, haven’t I?” You shake your head and reply, “I asked.” You half-smile back at him. “If anything, it’s my fault.”

“If you insist,” Harry says. “Come on, tell me something good.”

You raise a brow. “Like what?”

He smiles big, nudging your foot gently under the table. “We’re going to Rio.”

You smile big too, because he’s not even kidding. You booked the tickets with him a few days ago. The plan is to get out of the country for a while until everything settles down. You’ll avoid a few calls, lay low, then come back to thousands of dollars and all your problems solved.

“I can’t wait to go to the beach,” you murmur, leaning back against the booth.

Harry hums in agreement. “You’ll love the view,” he says.

“You’ve been?” you ask.

Harry shakes his head, a stupid smile on his face. “Nah. But the view of me in my little yellow swim shorts can make up for any underwhelming scenery.” You scoff a laugh and echo, “Little yellow swim shorts?”

“They’re fantastic, darling,” Harry assures you with a big grin. “We’ll have to go shopping so we can match.” You nod, giggling despite yourself. “Forget the beach, I can’t wait for that.” Harry nods sagely. “It’ll be great.”

You crack jokes with him about his swim attire the whole way home.

The phone doesn’t ring once.

***

The second night is not nearly as exciting as the first. The lobby is empty. A few people filter in, but there were significantly more tickets bought than the number of attendees. As far as you know, there aren’t any more ticket sales, either.

You’re somehow even more uneasy than you were last night. Harry is, too. Nobody says anything. It’s just a bunch of nervous looks and heavy silence. Backstage is quiet, too. D’Angelo is the only one saying anything at all. His voice is lower, though, and even his orange boa seems to be a bit lifeless.

The play seems to take hours. People walk out. It’s getting a bit depressing - you realize that’s your goal, for the theater to be totally empty, but it’s really quite difficult to act to a nonexistent audience.

Backstage is quiet after the play, too. You get changed and walk out to meet Harry, brows jumping when you see him talking to a woman you don’t recognize. She’s tall and thin and blonde, sunglasses perched on top of her head. Her clothing is casual, just a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt.

“Hello,” you say hesitantly as you walk up to them.

“Hey, there,” the woman greets you. Bright blue eyes meet yours, and she smiles as she sticks her hand out for you to shake. Her nails are painted a light pink. You match her smile and shake her hand, introducing yourself.

“Nice to meet you,” she says. “I’m Gwen.”

Ah, you think. You steal a glance at Harry, who looks a bit tense.

You clear your throat. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Yeah,” she replies, laughing a little. “I, uh… Yeah. Well, uh, I was just starting to talk to H about Fatigue. And, um… I’m sorry, but I’m not sure you’ll be happy to hear our decision…” You look at Harry again, and he doesn’t meet your eye.

“That doesn’t sound good,” you say, because Harry stays quiet.

“Well, I think you’ve seen the reception,” Gwen says. “And there hasn’t been a single ticket sale since before it opened last night.” She sighs, a sympathetic look on her face as her gaze bounces between you and Harry. “I’m afraid we just can’t afford to keep it open any longer.”

“We understand,” Harry says, finally speaking up. His hand slides into yours, surprising you, and you watch Gwen’s eyes flick down to catch the action. “We’ll go tell everyone,” Harry goes on. “It was nice seeing you, Gwen.”

He leads you away, and you nod goodbye at Gwen a tad awkwardly over your shoulder.

“You okay?” you ask quietly once she’s out of earshot.

You see his jaw flex, but he doesn’t answer for a moment. He pulls his hand away from yours and runs it through his hair, and then, barely loud enough for you to hear, he says, “That was my sweatshirt.”

“Oh,” you say, wincing.

“I can’t believe her,” he mutters. “Christ.”

You pause a second, unsure what to say, then decide, “I’m surprised she didn’t just call.”

Harry just shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s just… We’ll have to tell them. They should hear it from us.” You nod and murmur, “D’Angelo will be devastated.” Harry sighs, pushing open the door. “I’m sure he saw it coming.”

Everyone looks up when the two of you walk in.

As soon as D’Angelo sees your expressions, he finishes the last of his champagne in one gulp. He sighs, holding your gaze, and then speaks to Harry. “How’s your lovely Gwen doing, then?” he asks breezily, his easy tone a sharp contrast to his strained body language.

“I’m not sure,” Harry says quietly. “We didn’t talk much.”

D’Angelo hums lowly. “It’s not good news, I presume?”

“No,” you say. “No, it’s… it’s not.”

“Finished, are we?” D’Angelo asks.

Both you and Harry hesitate.

And then Harry answers, “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” you add weakly.

D’Angelo raises his empty champagne flute. “It was a valiant effort.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then everyone looks away and begins packing up their things. Low chatter breaks out, and D’Angelo slowly drifts over to the half-empty bottle of champagne in the corner. He inspects the label, swirls it around, and then takes a drink directly from the bottle.

Harry clears his throat next to you. “I was planning to go to the hospital,” he murmurs.

“Yeah, that’s a - that’s a good idea,” you reply with a nod.

You lock eyes, just for a moment, and then Harry turns away.

“I’ll meet you at the car,” he says, and walks off.

You say your goodbyes and follow Harry out.

***

“You’re… leaving?” Aurora gasps, eyes wide and beginning to glisten.

Harry squeezes her hand and tells her, “Just for a while.”

“A while?” she echoes, a tear rolling down her cheek. “But - but -”

“We’ll be back before you know it, princess,” you murmur from behind Harry.

Harry nods. “You’ll blink and we’ll be back.”

Aurora hiccups a sob, chin wobbling as her gaze darts between you and Harry. “But we’re almost done with - with Trumpet,” she whispers. “You can’t leave me on a - a hill - a hang - a rock -” She breaks off with another sob, pulling away from Harry to wipe at her nose with her little hand.

Your heart cracks in two. “A cliffhanger,” you whisper.

“You can’t leave me!” Aurora cries.

“We’re not, baby,” Harry insists, voice cracking. “I promise, we’ll be back.”

Aurora sniffles, crossing her arms over her chest and stubbornly looking at the other end of the room, away from either of you. “Just go,” she whimpers. Harry reaches out, and she jerks away, closing her eyes as tears fall faster.

“We’ll be back,” Harry promises again, voice barely audible.

“Go away!” Aurora sobs, and she burrows under the blankets.

Harry opens his mouth to speak, looking hopeless, and you place your hands on his shoulders. “Come on,” you say softly. “She’ll come around. We’ll call her. FaceTime.” Harry closes his eyes, just for a second, and then stands up.

“We’ll… we’ll be right back,” he murmurs.

No response.

“I love you, okay?” he tries. “And I promise… I promise we’ll be… right back…”

Still nothing.

Harry wipes his face and clears his throat. “Bye, Aurora,” he whispers.

Aurora just sniffles again, pulling the blanket further over her head.

Gently, you take Harry’s hand and guide him out.

“It’ll all be worth it,” you tell him, squeezing his hand.

Harry nods and squeezes your hand back, silent.

***

Everything’s packed.

The money has been transferred to several offshore accounts, safe to stay unnoticed until everything’s settled down and you and Harry can start slowly shifting it back into your own accounts.

The plane ride is a bit tense. Harry brought a deck of cards, of course, and you trade magic tricks and play games of Go Fish and Gin Rummy. He chews gum and you giggle watching him attempt to blow bubbles.

It’s hot in Rio. Harry holds your hand as you navigate the airport and the buses to your hotel. It’s a relief to finally arrive, to collapse onto the big fluffy bed and sprawl out in the glorious air conditioning.

The first night, the two of you order room service and eat dinner while watching TV.

And the phone. You watch the phone, too.

Every so often, your gazes will both drift to the phone at the same time, and you’ll catch his eye and give a half-smile. You’re waiting for a call from an investor, of course, demanding where their money is and why the hell they haven’t been able to reach you.

In reality, there’s no way they’ll think of you. The play has probably already been forgotten. Individually, each person gave such a small amount that they probably forgot about it days after they signed the papers. To think that they’d not only remember your play but that they’d be angry that you lost their money is ridiculous.

There’s no way.

It’s silly to think about, really, and whenever you find yourself worrying, you take a breath and think about how mind-boggling your situation is. You’re in a hotel room in Rio de Janeiro that’s almost as big as your entire apartment.

The hotel room you’re in is large. It’s a suite. The bathroom’s ginormous, the closet’s practically just as big, and the desk is a rich, dark oak color fit with huge drawers and a bright lamp. There are two small couches situated in front of the windows, right in front of the door to the little balcony just outside.

Huge windows look out over the glittering city, and far in the distance, you can see the Christ the Redeemer statue. Twinkling lights wink at you, brightly colored in the pitch-black night. Trees sway in the light breeze, and the softest sound of music can be heard even as far from the city as you are.

In a suite as big as this, there are two beds. Harry falls asleep in the same bed you do anyway, on the opposite side. You don’t think about it until the next morning when you realize both of you somehow gravitated to the middle, and you’re curled into his side with your head on his chest.

The sound of birds wakes you up. You’re struck with the oddest of feelings; everything is just so surreal you’re not even sure where to begin. It’s so much more pleasant than it should be to just lay there, reveling in how content you are nestled up to this guy you used to despise with all your being.

Then, suddenly, your heart begins to ache, because you realize you haven’t gotten around to letting him know just how much your feelings towards him have changed. Nothing’s happened since that kiss, and it hurts.

It hurts just to think about it, and being right next to him like this isn’t helping. You roll out of bed, wash your face with cold water, push all of those thoughts out of your mind. It’s not worth the stress.

Harry stirs as you brew a cup of coffee, sitting up and running a hand through his hair with his eyes still half shut. “Smells good,” he mumbles, voice heavy with sleep. “Coffee,” you tell him, lifting your now full cup. “Want some?”

He nods, stretching up towards the ceiling before flopping back down. “Mhmm.”

You start another cup, then turn around and lean on the dresser, watching him while you take a hesitant sip of your scalding coffee. You can see his chest rising and falling gently, and his swallows peek out of his white t-shirt. He’s on his back, head to the side, morning sunlight reflecting through the trees by the window and splashing over his face like he’s in some dramatic Renoir painting.

The coffee maker sputters to a stop. You blink, feeling like an absolute creep for just staring at him like this, and hurriedly turn around to grab the cup. Harry sits up as you walk over, and after handing him his cup, you sit on the edge of the bed, crossing your legs and cradling your warm coffee in both hands.

He takes a sip, and his eyes flutter shut blissfully. “Bloody hell,” he sighs.

“Jesus,” you laugh. “It’s not that good.”

He pouts at you. “It’s fucking incredible.”

“Guess it’s those Brazilian nuts.”

Harry grins. “Damn right,” he says.

He holds your gaze for just a second, smile still in his eyes, and you have to look away.

Standing up, you clear your throat and turn to look out the window. “We should… go somewhere, or… something,” you say. There’s a beat of silence, and then he laughs, just a little, and you’re looking over at him again before you can stop yourself.

“What?” you ask, and you can’t stop yourself from smiling, either.

He giggles at you. “I - we’re in Rio, and you think we wouldn’t go somewhere?”

You scoff, shaking your head as your face heats a bit. “Hey, I don’t know!”

“Sorry, sorry,” he tells you, still smiling, and he stands up and runs his hands through his hair as he stretches again. “We can take a walk,” he suggests. “Get to know the place.” You nod, looking down into your coffee.

“Sounds good,” you say.

***

“It’ll have six bedrooms.”

Harry grins. “Eight bathrooms.”

“Twelve kitchens.”

“Fifteen pools.”

“Twenty - uh… Twenty… fireplaces…?”

Harry laughs, shaking his head, and takes your hand, swinging it up and down. You’re walking along a beach, sand slipping under your flip-flops and sinking under your feet. You’ve just finished breakfast, and you feel perfectly content.

“I’ve always wanted to build my own house,” Harry says.

“Missed opportunity in construction?”

Harry frowns and amends, “Er - well, more design my own house.”

You nudge his hip, smiling. “Think you’d look good in one of those orange hard hats.”

“Thought you’d prefer something else that’s hard…”

You scoff a laugh. “Wow. Coming on strong for ten in the morning.”

“Sorry,” Harry laughs. “Too much?”

“Maybe just wait a few more hours. Let me get something better than coffee in me.”

“Asking me to get you drunk?”

You just shrug, grinning at him.

“I’ll take you up on that,” Harry says.

There’s a beat of silence, and you watch your hand, intertwined with Harry’s, still swaying back and forth. The waves gently crash against the shore, birds chirping away in the distance.

After a second, you clear your throat. “So,” you say, “you kissed me.”

Harry gazes off at the water. “Did I?”

You stop walking. You open your mouth to reply, then close it again.

He looks at you, and there’s a smirk on his lips. “Don’t remember that,” he says.

You’re not sure how to respond. Hurt rushes through you, then anger, confusion, and -

“I think I’ll have to do it again,” he goes on. “See if it rings any bells.”

Relief floods your body. You smile, just slightly. “Right,” you breathe. “Guess you will.”

He kisses you, softly, hand cupping your cheek gently. He touches you gingerly, like you’ll break, like you’ll pull away, like he’s a little scared. So you’re the one to lean into him, you’re the one to slide a hand onto the nape of his neck and pull him closer, grinning against his lips and giggling when he smiles too.

“You’re a bastard for that,” you tell him when you pull away, a bit breathlessly.

“For what?” he asks innocently.

You roll your eyes. “Pretending you didn’t remember.”

“Sorry,” he says, kissing you once more.

He takes your hand, starting to walk again, letting silence linger for just a second. He’s looking at the sand, smile fading away. He looks like he’s in deep thought, and you squeeze his hand. “You okay?”

He looks up at you and smiles just a bit. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah. I’m just thinking… You know, erm… I don’t want to pressure you,” he tells you, his voice lowering as he stops again to face you fully. “I, er… I know the original plan was to - you know, go our separate ways after… after all this. And it’s… It’s a lot, I know -” He laughs softly. “Christ, I’m a lot, just with Aurora, and the theater, and…” He fades off, running a hand over his face. “Er… But yeah. I just… I wanna let you know that I’m not… pressuring you to stay, or anything… We can stick to the - the plan.”

“No,” you say immediately, and then feel a bit self-conscious. “I mean… I don’t want to. I really…” You give him a smile. “I really like you. And Aurora. And it’s a lot, yeah, but… I don’t care. I don’t mind. I love all of it. I -” You falter, then, “I mean - I like - I -”

He raises a brow at you.

So you bite your lip, then dive in headfirst. “I love you,” you say.

“Love you too,” he replies with a big smile, and he kisses you.

***

It’s hours later, now, and you’ve wandered into some restaurant by the beach.

The bar is loud, crowded, and thrumming with music in Portuguese. Somebody’s singing from a big stage in the back. Your hand is firmly in Harry’s, walking next to him through the mass of moving bodies. A warm breeze heavy with ocean air flows through huge open windows, colorful lights shining in the dark.

When you finally make it to the counter, Harry gestures vaguely at something on the wall to the bartender, and you point at the drink of the person next to you. You glance at each other, shrug, and watch as the bartender mixes and shakes up a bunch of mysterious liquids.

Your final result is bright blue, like the one the girl next to you just finished. Harry’s is pink and green. With laughs neither of you can hear over the noise, you clink your glasses against each other and take sips.

Harry’s nose wrinkles. “Sour,” you see him say.

Yours is extremely sweet, and you make an eh motion with your hand and hold it out to him. He takes it and gives you his, and you try his as he tries yours. Your nose must wrinkle like his did, because he grins and hands yours back.

You shake your head, though, and look around for someone who has a drink you’d actually like to have. When you spot someone downing a shot glass full of what looks like water but clearly isn’t, you point that out to the bartender along with two fingers.

A few shots later, you’re buzzing, dancing with Harry amid the mass of people on the dance floor. The music’s so loud, electrifying the air around you. It seems like you’re being shifted towards the front of the room, and before you know it, you appear to be on the raised platform all the way at the front.

Bright lights hit your face, making you giggle and squint. People start clapping, Harry spins you around, and everyone cheers. There’s a screen directly in front of you. You walk up to it, practically dragging Harry with you, and realize it’s a song bank - and there are microphones on the table next to it.

“Karaoke!” you shout at Harry.

He grins and starts flicking through the song choices. When you see one you like, you reach out and tap the screen, pointing at it. Harry laughs and nods excitedly, clicking it. Immediately, the music changes.

On cue, you and Harry come in.

“Yoooo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want -”

It’s not in Portuguese, but nobody seems to mind, and they give you rambunctious applause regardless. You and Harry can barely get the words out for how much you’re laughing and giggling at each other’s dance moves and crazy singing. He spins you around again, you spin him, both of you trip on the mic wires at least three times. As the song ends, he dips you, kisses your nose, and then stands up so both of you can take big bows.

You’re breathless by that point, and you stumble off the stage with Harry as someone else takes the mic. On some unsaid agreement, you both keep going out of the restaurant and back onto the beach towards your hotel.

With your fingers tangled in his and chests heaving, you walk all the way back to the hotel. It’s pretty close, and when you arrive, the two of you lean against the door and grin at each other, hearts still racing.

Harry kisses you, then, hand sliding against your cheek and lips smiling against yours. The wood of the door is cool against your back, and it’s not because of the hot Brazilian air that you’re warming up again.

He pulls his shoulder off the door, almost pinning you against it as your smiles fade and your kisses become more desperate. You want more, more, more; want him closer, closer - even closer - and with fumbling fingers you shed the clothes that separate you as you lurch towards the bed.

It’s warm, in Brazil, so warm, and you’ve never felt a greater thrill.

***

The next morning, after grins and kisses and coffee, the phone rings.

Harry glances at you, then picks it up.

“Hello?” he says. Then, “Yes, this is he.”

He’s quiet for a while. He fiddles with his lip.

“I know,” he says. “Right. Right, I know. Don’t worry… Yes, expect a call soon. Won’t be from me, no, but… No… Yes, of course, I… Fantastic. Great talking with you. Expect that call! Bye, bye now.”

He hangs up.

“Investor?” you ask.

He nods.

You open your mouth to say something, then stop.

“Don’t worry about it,” he tells you, starting to smile. “They’ll never remember. One call, that’s all. That wasn’t even the guy himself - it was his assistant. We’ll be buried under hundreds of other things to do. I’ve had to remind people, you know, even on plays that do well. They always forget.”

You’re not quite persuaded, but he comes over and squeezes your shoulder and says, “It’ll be alright” so convincingly that you can’t help but believe him. You nod, taking his hand, and let him lead you out to the balcony, where fruit and warm bread are waiting for you.

Over the next few weeks, only a couple of calls come in. Harry handles them, uses that same calming tone, and says basically the same thing each time: expect a phone call, sorry for the delay, don’t worry about it.

You sit back and distract your racing heart with the beautiful sights, sounds, and food.

***

Harry makes some killer pancakes. After living with him for months and months, you’ve had more than your fair share of his fluffy, buttery pancakes. And while you’d be the first to crown him the best pancake maker in New York, his pancake breakfasts have absolutely nothing on the Brazilian breakfasts you’ve had since you’ve gotten to Rio de Janeiro.

Nevertheless, it’s a few weeks later, and you’ve awoken to the scent of bacon.

“What are you doing?” you ask incredulously, following your nose to the small kitchenette in the hotel suite. “Pancakes!” Harry exclaims, flipping around to brandish his teeny frying pan at you.

“Oh, Harry,” you sigh, taking a tiny pancake from the pile anyway.

Harry turns back around to busy himself with his task. “Listen,” he begins seriously. “I’m aware of how good the food here is. We’re had right scrumptious meals here -” You giggle through a bite of pancake and interrupt, “You’re right scrumptious.”

“Shush,” Harry says, but you can see him dimpling from behind him. “What I mean to say is that I was bored, so don’t blame me for the American food.” You frown at his back. “Bored?” you echo.

You’ve hardly been sitting around doing nothing, you think at first, but then as you think about it more, you… kind of have. The two of you were on a good run the first few days, going out every day and finding a new sight to see. Three weeks in, though, it’s a lot more tempting to just stay in bed all day and lounge around in the sunshine.

“Yeah,” Harry replies now as he turns to face you. “I’m getting antsy.”

“Find an anteater.”

He pouts.

You smile apologetically at him and hold up a little pancake. “Delicious.”

“Thanks,” he says.

You bite your lip, leaning back in your chair as your brain slowly wakes up. “How about… a picnic?” you suggest. “We could go down to the beach again and bring a basket - make it all aesthetic and pretty!”

Harry points his spatula at you. “That’s the spirit!”

“You can pack the basket,” you say.

He frowns. “Maybe try a different spirit.”

“How about - I don’t pack it, and you pack it!”

“That’s… the same spirit.”

“I’ve never believed in ghosts anyway,” you tell him, and you stand up, sliding your plate into the sink. “Have fun!” you say, patting him on the chest as you pass him “And pack some fruits, Styles. Let’s stay healthy.”

“Let’s,” Harry echoes, grumbling, “as in let us. Let us pack the basket.”

“You’re such a gentleman,” you call.

He is, really, he is a gentleman, because he packs it despite your later offers to help and then presents you with a ginormous sun hat when you appear fully changed. You put it on, and when its brim droops over your forehead, you say, “Hey, it flops, just like all of your plays!”

“Oh, fuck off,” Harry scoffs, but he’s laughing so he can’t be too insulted.

It’s gorgeous by the water, unsurprisingly, and you feed each other strawberries and sip sparkling water while you chatter away about nothing. You drift closer and closer until you’ve forgotten all about the view of the sunset for strawberry sweet kisses, and you both decide to call it a day and head back for the hotel.

You see him fiddling with his phone as you step out of the bathroom, changed after your shower, and your smile dims a little as you realize what he’s thinking. “We should try again,” you tell him, and he looks up, looking conflicted.

You’re talking about Aurora, about calling her, because she hasn’t picked up the last twenty times you’ve tried. Harry’s talked to her nurses, who say she’s doing relatively well health-wise but not great with everything else. She misses them, the nurses say, but she’s still angry.

“Come on,” you say, plopping down next to him on the bed and gently sliding his phone out of his hands. You move slowly, giving him the opportunity to stop you, and then hand it to him before pressing the call button.

He gives you a smile. “Hundredth time’s the charm.”

And lo and behold - he’s right.

“You gotta come back,” Aurora says as soon as she picks up. “I had a dream about the little swan last night, Harry, you gotta come back! I need to know what happens!” Harry breathes an incredulous laugh and clears his throat.

“I - er, yeah, Ror, of course,” he says. “Soon.”

You pop into the camera view for a second, wiggling your fingers, and Aurora gives a shy smile. “Hi,” she says, sounding a little guilty. “Sorry for not… picking up.” Harry glances at you, and you reply, “Don’t worry about it, princess.”

“We’re still sorry,” Harry adds.

Aurora pouts, looking down, and mumbles, “Should be.”

“Just a few more weeks, Ror,” Harry tells her, his voice weak.

She huffs a little bit and then glances up again. She moves around a little bit, peering into the camera like she’s trying to look behind you. “Where are you guys, anyway?” Harry smiles and exclaims, “Brazil!”

Aurora still looks confused. “Well, where’s that?”

“Remember when we went to Disney World for your birthday?” Harry asks, and when Aurora nods, he goes on, “Right, well, it’s like if you went there, then kept going for a few hours until you heard Portuguese.”

Aurora blinks, then chirps, “Okay!”

“How’re you, princess?” Harry asks. “Any drama we should be aware of?”

“Oh, so much,” Aurora gushes. She starts her story, and as the air warms with her voice, Harry’s hand slides into yours and you begin to relax. Through the end of the phone call, you and Harry can barely keep the smiles off your face.

***

You stay in Brazil for a long time. After it’s been two weeks without a single call from any of the investors, you decide to pack it up. Back home, it’s totally quiet, like nothing ever happened. It’s still scary, though, and the plane ride back is mostly quiet. You’re cautious driving through town, peeking into the theater, greeting people as you walk into Harry’s apartment.

It only takes a look to agree on where to go first after dropping everything off in the apartment, and you’re at the hospital in no time with a huge bag of souvenirs. You’re both greeted with huge smiles and hugs all the way to Aurora’s room.

Aurora’s asleep when you walk in, and Harry gives you a bit of a nervous look before approaching and kneeling down beside her to gently place a kiss on her forehead. She wakes up slowly, blinking blearily before processing Harry in front of her and gasping and throwing her arms around his neck.

“Harry!” she squeals, hugging him tightly. With wide eyes, she looks up, then exclaims your name and you walk over to give her a hug of your own. “You’re back!” she says happily, glancing between the two of you excitedly.

“We sure are,” you tell her.

Harry nods. “We missed you, princess.”

“Missed you too,” Aurora replies.

You clear your throat and bring the small present from behind your back. “We have something for you,” you tell her, handing the little white bag to you. Aurora laughs delightedly, clapping her hands and crinkling the tissue paper inside before pulling out the gift.

“Oh…” she breathes. “Pascal!”

It’s not exactly Pascal, Rapunzel’s pet in Tangled, but it’s a little stuffed toy of a chameleon you found with Harry in some gift shop in Brazil and you figured Aurora would like him. “Told you I’d bring you a Pascal one of these days,” you say with a wink.

“I, of course,” Harry begins with a dramatic sigh, “am completely against this gift.”

Aurora breaks out in giggles.

“... So I had to get you something else,” Harry finishes. He hands her his own gift, a sparkly pink bag with two things inside. Aurora is enthralled with the delicate tiara, and Harry makes a whole production of crowning her princess of all of New York.

The second gift is a small snow globe, but glitter rains down on a beautiful beach scene rather than snow when Aurora flips it upside down, eyes wide with wonder. “I love it,” she says, voice a little quiet in awe.

“We won’t have to leave again,” Harry promises softly.

Aurora looks up, lowering the globe to her lap. “Please don’t,” she says.

Harry smiles a little, then squeezes her hand and stands up, sliding The Trumpet of the Swan off its spot on the table. “Hope you didn’t read any without us,” he sighs, settling down in his spot on the sofa.

Happily, you curl up next to him, just as pleased as Aurora to be continuing the story.

***

Back at the apartment the next day to finalize some paperwork, your phone begins to ring. It’s an unknown number. Glancing at Harry nervously, you pick it up and wander over to the window as the voice on the other end begins to talk.

Your heart drops as you realize what’s happening. It’s someone from another company, asking you to audition for a play they’re starting to work on. Apparently, someone had seen your performance in Fatigue and thought you were wonderful. They couldn’t believe you were working with such a shit producer, they said, and would you like to join their company?

“Yes!” you say immediately, a little too excitedly. “I mean - yes. Please. Thank you.”

They give you the details, and with a still racing heart, you turn around and see Harry, working on some papers at his desk, looking very confused. Your eyes widen. “Oh my God,” you say, realizing what you’d just done.

“You alright, love?” he asks, sounding a bit amused.

You clear your throat. “Um, I just agreed to audition for another play?”

His brows jump, and he comes around his desk to wrap you in a hug. “Bloody hell!” he laughs. “Congratulations! That’s great - did they say when auditions are? Is it close by? What theater?”

You sputter a laugh, surprised at his reaction, and start, “Well, I… I mean… Are you okay with this? Did you want me to stick with you?” Harry scoffs, shaking his head. “Absolutely not. You’re too good for me. My producing days are over.”

“Really?” you ask, startled.

He leans against the desk, shrugging slightly. “Well… yeah. I mean, my record hardly suggests greatness, you know? I’ll find something else.” He grins, wiggling his brows, and adds, “Maybe I’ll go into writing. I certainly know what to avoid.”

“That would be great!” you exclaim. “Harry Styles, writer-producer extraordinaire!”

“Damn right,” Harry tells you, and he kisses you. You lean into him, hand sliding into his hair, and he whispers, “This desk hasn’t been broken in yet.” You snicker, about to reply, when your hand grazes a stack of papers and you sigh, pulling away. Harry whines, puckering his lips and smooching at you.

“We have paperwork to do,” you tell him.

He pouts. “You’re no fun.”

“After,” you say, giving him one last kiss.

“Maybe we can multitask,” Harry muses, turning around anyway and starting to shuffle some papers. “It takes you about a million years to finish a document when I’m not distracting you,” you reply, stealing a pen from his cup.

“Reckon I just need practice,” he says as you collapse on the sofa. You sigh, smiling despite yourself as you click your pen, shuffle some papers, and get to work. “Sure, Styles,” you say.

***

Two nights later, you’re sitting on the floor in the hallway of the hospital.

Beside you, the vending machine hums lowly. It harmonizes with the fluorescent lights buzzing on the ceiling, which are so bright they make your head hurt even when you close your eyes. Every few minutes, the lights flicker just slightly. Just enough for you to notice.

Harry dusts his hands off, reaching up to toss his candy wrapper into the trashcan. Like yours, his legs are stretched out in front of him. His hands are folded in his lap, head rested against the wall behind him.

He nudges your toe with his foot, shifting to look at you. He looks tired. When you meet his eyes, he starts to smile, lips curving slowly until he’s full on grinning, dimpling at you and laughing just a little.

“What?” you ask, unable to stop yourself from laughing just a little too.

He shrugs. “Dunno.”

You hold up the wrapper from the candy bar you just ate, peering at it, and tell him, “I wonder if it’s possible to get a sugar rush at one in the morning.” Harry takes it from you and pushes it into the trashcan.

“If you eat the entire vending machine,” he says, “probably.”

“I’m tired,” you whisper.

“What happened to the sugar rush?”

You take his hand, a bit delirious, and flip it palm up in your lap. “You’re gonna have a long life,” you say softly, tracing a random line on his skin. You start at his wrist, and follow a few lines up to one of his rings. “And be very stylish,” you continue, spinning a ring around.

“Why, thank you,” Harry says.

You smile at him. “You’re welcome.”

Harry touches the bottom of your chin with his finger, gently pushing up, and press his lips to yours. You relax at his touch, eyelids fluttering shut as his hand slides to hold your cheek, supporting you, grounding you, giving you butterflies.

Aurora’s sleeping in her room. Harry finished reading The Trumpet of the Swan just before she fell asleep. Earlier, while she went through tests and played, you and Harry filled out the proper forms for the procedure she’d need in a few months. It won’t be an easy ride, but she’ll be alright. And sitting on the floor, head rested on Harry’s shoulder and hand entwined with his, you get the feeling you just might be alright, too.

~*~ and there she is!!! all done!!! i'm gonna admit this chapter took SO LONG - i'm pretty sure i finished the first two chapters in like less than a month and this one took me. five months. BUT i got it done and i hit my word goal and i'm super proud of myself! honestly i'm just glad i got it out lmao. but i do hope someone out there enjoyed it, and if u did, a reblog and some feedback would be absolutely splendid <3

thank you for reading!!!!

masterlist | ask

[adinosaurnamedmittens]

Alright so I can’t stop thinking of RVB Zero and how much potential it has so I wanna rework it a bit to work better.

So first I’m gonna talk about the new characters and what I’d change before breaking down the individual episodes for critique and suggested rewrites. At this point, I’ve only seen up to episode 4, Encounter. So spoilers till that ep. 

West - Honestly great! He doesn’t have a ton of character, but what he has is solid. He works very well as the gruff, no-nonsense leader who’s a tiny bit of a dad.

Raymond - Also great! He’s the most classic RVB character, as he’s an underdog who’s not the best at fighting, but has a lot of heart. My fav new character, right next to Tiny.

One - I want to change her to 2nd in command and drop the whole “can’t work within a team” thing. Keep the confidence and slight rudeness, but drop all the lines referencing anti-teamwork. It hasn’t factored into the story so far, One has been successfully working as part of the team for all the episodes. This would make her dynamic with Axel more interesting, being in a higher position of power. Especially considering how her healthy relationship with her dad contrasts with East and West’s relationship. This would reinforce the tension with East, since One now has an actual position of power over her. Also, she should have the exact same powers as Zero, but maybe less powerful. This would help foreshadow that reveal, and help us understand how the enhancements work. While One is a bit of a shit, and thinks she knows best, she’s willing to take the fall when her ideas fail or get them in trouble.

Axel - Imma be honest: totally forgot he was One’s adopted dad until I rewatched the episodes prepping for this. You could drop it totally, as it gets a bit redundant with West and East’s relationship, but I think there’s more fun in working with it. Also, if One’s 2nd in command and Axel isn’t insecure about it at all? Instantly makes him a more likable guy. I also think he parallels to Wash very well (bit of a kid at heart, weapons guy, team dad, emotional heart) so we’re gonna expand on that too.

East - Her and One’s relationship is the driving force of conflict within the strike team. With the changes made to One, East can stay pretty much unchanged. Before they were too similar. Now, with One being abrasive but willing to work together, and East being more reserved and distant, they’re great foils for each other. Also she parallels early Carolina, which I love (speed is her ability, prefers working alone, competitive as hell, dad runs team)

Villains: On characterization, they’re all good! Villains are allowed to be a bit more shallow, and they all seem to have understandable motives for what they’re doing: Zero wants revenge and power, Phase wants revenge especially against West, and Diesel just seems like he’s having fun. I do want to change Zero’s power tho, with Phase already having a teleport with a cool gimmick, and Diesel having a strength/tank ability, Zero should have a unique ability. Maybe gravity because of the sword? It would allow him some cool movement tricks while still being visually distinct from Diesel and Phase’s abilities. Or something inspired by his “ghost” line from Duo.

EP 1: Viper

The Good: The introduction to the villains and their abilities was amazing. I love Phase’s knife and it’s honestly one of the coolest things I’ve seen in the show. And the intro to the Strike team? Hilarious. Great character work. You can tell that One and Axel are close, that Raymond is hesitant and new, East and One have a very competitive relationship, and West is the tough love dad.

The Bad: Don’t violate the 180 camera rule. The intro fight scene was cool, but the camera moved way too much and made it hard to keep track of everything happening. And with the new, shiny art style we need a bit more time to absorb what’s happening since the detail level went up. Also y’all healed Wash’s brain damage with a throwaway line, and then immediately fridged him? Not cool. I mean, if you wanted to show how tough the villains are, you already had them beat up Carolina.

Story Changes: - Zero gets name dropped this ep so we get a scene next ep where Axel recognizes his name. - Either replace Wash with a high ranking soldier and completely scrub him from the episode, or give a different reason why he can’t help, maybe exactly Carolina’s reason of “you’re recovering”. I’m not committing to totally removing Wash bc in Recovery Carolina’s line of “That I-that we thought was a medium risk asset” hints that Wash knew exactly what they were carrying and I’m excited to see where they take that. - Mainly I want scenes of Wash talking to Axel and expanding on his characterization as they are both Nice Boys Who Have Been Through It. - I also think a scene after we meet Strike where Axel asks Raymond “You like riding with East?” and Ray goes “You two stuck me with her on purpose!” and One goes “Yup!” all cheerfully. Just reinforce those team dynamics and friendships before it goes to shit!

EP 2: Recovery

The Good: The garage scene was perfect. Tiny is amazing, love her so much! And Axel got such great characterization during this ep. What a dork. West and Raymond also work super well together, their interactions are great.

The Bad:You know it’s a problem when the villains have a better dynamic than the heroes. The scene where Carolina explains all the strike member’s abilities and personalities? Bad. Also a little OOC for her. And redundant, since we also get Raymond asking West about East, and Axel’s explanation of the girls to Carolina.

Story Changes: - Have Axel, the emotional heart, waiting outside the recovery room for Carolina. Honestly, this isn’t that big, but I think it’d suit his character. - Carolina’s exposition is changed to solely history and abilities, no commenting on their personalities. Maybe East gets a little “has shown difficulty in working with others” but that’s it. The physical acting for these scenes really shines through, so let it stand alone. Even watching without sound, you can pick up that West is a no-nonsense leader, that Axel isn’t a flashy fighter but gets the job done, that East is fairly young and doesn’t take fighting seriously, and that One is willing to leave others behind if she thinks she can do it better. - For Carolina’s convo with One this ep about her “not willing to work on a team” either swap One with East or change it to “you need to listen to your team more. Don’t assume that you immediately now what’s best” - At the end of training, when Axel says “the guards were priority #1″ One should say “I knew you could handle it.” and Axel could respond with “Well, it’d be nice if you let me know that.” to show that One can work well as 2nd in command, but needs to communicate and stop assuming things. -Also should change Axel’s warning line about her enhancements to “Don’t push yourself. Remember what happened last time?” to enforce that this is a habit, and that while he cares about her, he’s not trying to boss her around as much. -Don’t reveal that East is West’s daughter until Raymond and West talk. That way, there’s a bit more emotional weight, and Ray’s line of “I was digging through the team files” makes more sense if Carolina doesn’t drop that info in the previous scene. - When Axel talks about the experiments East went through, he should mention that he was there for some of them. Dropping more foreshadowing for the Axel/Zero reveal! - Carolina drops Zero’s name in their convo, and we get a shot of Axel’s hand tightening on his weapon, showing the audience that the name means something to him, but we don’t know why.

EP 3: Duo

The Good: First 3rd of the ep? Really good. I love One being rude to Carolina, and then gaining a grudging respect. West and Raymond are, again, the best dynamic. How? I honestly have no idea. The car looks so stupid in the funniest way, I hate it but I love it. Also god yes Axel and Zero’s relationship is so wholesome and could be the best thing in this season. One’s warning call to the facility? The funniest shit. And Zero’s dialogue is hella cliched, but it works bc he’s obv such a dramatic bitch.

The Bad: HOLY HELL THE DIALOGUE. First, One and East’s fight? garbage. Very forced. Super hard to believe these two are real people. Carolina and West literally repeat the exact same line, less than 5 seconds apart. The dishwasher joke West makes does NOT at all work, it’s too tonally dissonant.

Story Changes: - Obv. need to change One and East’s convo. End it with “Without your power, you wouldn’t even be on this team!” East should storm off or almost attack One, requiring Axel to diffuse. - It’d also be really nice to get a line where One acknowledges that she went too far with that, but puts off apologizing to East. It’d be a nod that she’s good at reflecting and assessing, but too proud to actually take her words back. - I’d like to make Raymond more panicked when they find Wash. It’d help sell that he’s in bad shape and add more weight to “He’s got a heartbeat!” - Maybe re-work Phase and Zero’s conversation a bit. The dialogue is definitely not this season’s strong suit. - Pull Carolina’s “I’m just trying to help, East.” since it’s more impactful for East to storm off immediately and West says the line a couple seconds later. And change East’s dialogue to “You may be my CO, but don’t try to be my dad. Not after what you’ve done.” Or something similar. - For the dishwasher gag in the meeting, either pull it or double down. It’d work so much better if someone asks “Are you serious about this? Aren’t there more important things to discuss?” and West just deadpans. “This is of the upmost importance. If we can’t keep this base clean, how can we be expected to do anything else?!” and then Carolina clears her throat super loud and West goes “...Right. Rookie? Take it from here.” - Rework the “Carolina stay behind” dialogue. Even just a “Carolina. You’re still recovering. If you get hurt again, it’ll just be longer till you can take these bastards down. Keep an eye on Wash, will you?” I just couldn’t get behind the wording of “we need you here. With wash” It sounds like every cliched “woman must stay behind while the manly men save everyone!” Might be personal preference but just ew. - Add a scene where One notices Axel being a bit off (bc he’s worried about Zero being a part of the bad guy team) and she asks if he’s okay. He brushes her off, says its nothing. She goes “alright, i trust you.” - Maybe make the flashback a bit more apparent? There was a moment in the middle where I questioned whether or not it was a flashback. Again, could be a me problem.

EP 4: Encounter

The Good: The fight scenes continue to be absolute standouts. The varied environments, the movement, the dynamics on point. Wish we could’ve saw a bit more from Axel, but as is the scene worked well. The framing of the ep was good too, cutting between the mission and the fallout. And Ray, resident coward, immediately squaring up without a thought after West got injured? *chef’s kiss*. THAT is good character development. THAT is an amazing way to establish their relationship without telling us outright. Go feral, my boy! And Tiny and Raymond’s convo was so cute. I love how, despite what he says, Ray is there for his team and always willing to help. Carolina and One’s convo was also pretty decent. It got a bit long and over-explainy on Carolina’s end, but there were some pretty good moments.

The Bad: The fight after the mission failure was SO over-acted. Too much motion, to many camera angles. It changed what should have been tense arguments to hilarious melodrama. This has been a consistent problem, but it REALLY affects this scene in particular. And the second Axel enters the scene it just immediately goes downhill.

Story Changes: - Add a line from West in the beginning scene like “I’ll cut them off!” to explain why he isn’t in the car too. This also means it’s not as out-of-nowhere when West shows up to trash the car. - One should call out Axel instead of East. If she’s his daughter, she should be able to tell when he’s acting off. And she would have an easier time connecting the dots between Axel and Zero. - Instead of “I trusted you.” One should say “You lied to me.” 1) He’s her dad. One lie isn’t gonna break her total trust. 2) This would imply it’s the first time he’s lied to her, adding more weight to the whole situation 3) It’s way more accusatory and less cliched (if only a bit) - Add in a “One, wait!” bc I am a sucker for it and we could hear the guilt in his voice, rather than the weird scene where the girls make him spin around by bumping into him. - It’d also be nice if Ray stayed back for a bit before leaving, so we got a bit of his feelings on the matter. I mean, obviously he cares a lot about West, but does he blame Axel for not being there to help? It’d be nice to know!

TL;DR The best parts of the episodes are the fight scenes, and when they focus on the fun team dynamics. The worst parts are dialogue (mostly the serious bits) and over-animating, as this takes away from the drama.

I don’t mind the cheesy villains, but that may not be the case for everyone.

The best part of RVB has always been the rag-tag found family dynamics. While the fight scenes are cool, they have always been supplemental to the real meat of the show. The writers are trying something new with the whole “actual family” but you have got to focus on and develop these relationships if you want fans to care.

Mostly, I see a lot of potential in these characters, but there are GLARING issues in this season that are holding them back.

[shadowlink06]

Looking for Beta Readers/Critics!

I’ll probably add onto this post later or update it. But I’m looking for beta readers and critics for my stories. While English is my native language, I’m very dyslexic. Even though I have “readable” writing, I feel that an extra set of eyes will be more than helpful since I’d like to continue doing more stories.

I am tossing up the idea of creating a Discord channel for this purpose. Anyone would be welcome to it. UPDATE 01/08/2021: Discord Link here

If that isn’t possible, I can be reached on Tumblr, or on Twitter. It would be helpful to have a contact point that has live chatting is possible since communication is going to be a big thing with this.

FAQs:

What do you need beta read?

My two ongoing stories God’s Blight (GB) and Ties that Bind(TtB). Both are unique in the sense that GB is part of my larger World in Ruins (WiR) series. I did have canon material that I pulled from with this story. It is recommended that you have knowledge of the main game and the DLCs. You do not neccesarly have to have read DotF, but there are some references there that I am pulling from that effects the story. There is a very noticeable divergence and it will be apparent in GB’s later chapters. In order to understand GB you will need to have read the previous two stories and that is close to 100k words combined on AO3.

TtB is an AU that smashes together FFXV, Castlevania, and Noblesse manwa. Again, you will not necessarily have to have read/watched Castlevania/Noblesse (but it is certainly helpful) since the new universe that I’m creating is a mix of the three and is unique to this story. 

If you would like to read my other stories, you are more than free to and I’d be delighted. For now, I’m only focusing on those two to not overwhelm my beta reader.

What is the frequency that you will need a beta reader?

This is tricky to answer as I work a full time job and IRL can get stupidly busy for me. Under normal circumstances, I can usually finish a chapter within 2-3 weeks. So roughly 2 times within a months span. It would be great to get a schedule going so perhaps I can “check in” with a chapter even if it is not done to see your initial impressions too. I am open to that type of relationship.

How long are the chapters?

I try to keep my chapters between 3k-10k words. So yes, it is not something that can be read in one sitting.

Which fandoms do I need to be familiar with?

For a beta reader, you don’t necessarily have to be IN the fandom but I’m writing a lot of FFXV right now. It might expand to others in the future but it is a road that I’m taking my time traveling down. Even if you have never played the game you can still critique the story so please do not feel that is an instant disqualification. 

Where will I be able to view the chapters?

I have a google drive document that I write my stories in. I would be open to using other methods if this isn’t possible. You will be given the unique link to the chapter and able to review it.

What do you need me to do exactly?

While you read the chapter, I need you to highlight phrases or sentences that look strange or appear to be “off”. A comment as to why you highlighted the questioned phrase/sentence would be helpful. But as long as I can see a clear marker indicating that I need to look at a particular passage again, that is what the beta reader will be doing for me. I do not want you to edit the work yourself. Please let me handle that. 

Perks:

You’ll get to see chapters/stories posted before anyone else.

You can get to know me and we can geek out about the fandom.

You can ask me to help beta read/critique your work too (it’s only fair after all) 

Common Errors I know I make:

Homonym Errors

Homophone Errors

Spoonerism

Malapropism

Repetitive Phrases/Lines

Run-on sentences

Overly detailing unimportant scenes/situations

Critics/Critique:

I would like genuine, and honest critique. I realize that not many people ask for this but the only way for me to stop making mistakes - or at least become more aware of it. I’m old-school and don’t get offended easily. If something doesn’t make sense to you as a reader, I’d like to know about it because there is a good chance someone else will feel the same way and it just takes away from the reader’s experience if something that I tried to write was not conveyed properly or causes confusion.

Critics do not necessarily have to catch grammatical errors, but what I define as a critic is letting me know if the story/plot flows fluently and the characters tend to stay true to their nature. Since I skip around and write scenes, one of the hardest challenges is making sure when I start to piece a chapter together is ensuring that everything fits by the time it goes live.  

A good critic asks questions about the chapter/character/scenes. They don’t take what is written at face value and they will challenge me. They will call me out if I missed whatever I was trying to convey in the story. If you have never done this before I can certainly give you some pointers! Like writing, critiquing takes time and we can learn from each other. For my World In Ruin Series, critiquing is going to be extremely important since there is a very specific style that the story is being written in. While I refuse to make major alterations for anything that has been published so far (and I am speaking of doing retcon edits to Heart of the King and Body and Soul), what I CAN do is try to fix the story with each new chapter to fix plot holes that I might have missed.

Some things to note:

I often write about heavy subject matter (torture/mental illness/manipulation/non con etc). Frankly, you can almost guarantee it with anything that has my name attached to it. If you read my work, PLEASE be an adult. While the ratings may range from the Teen-Explicit rating, it does NOT need to be read by minors.

I am an overly detailed writer. My brain goes into overdrive and sometimes that can be an issue.

If you have something that triggers you please let me know in advance. I don’t want to ask you to read something that you are uncomfortable with. This includes problematic characters and/or ships although I should note that I often do enjoy writing about certain ones. (*Ahem* Ardyn/Ignis)

Yes, I do write porn and it is often gay porn.

You will likely be told spoilers by being my beta reader and critic. This is largely unavoidable since I need you to understand the story. I do ask that you keep spoilers to yourself until the chapter/story is published. Not something I can obviously enforce, but it’ll be a gentleman’s agreement.

Besides my undying gratitude for your help, I’ll be happy to work out some sort of incentive such as writing a personal fic for you, or something along those lines. So please, if you are interested, please reach out to me. Thanks a bunch.

~shadowlink06

[twentiethcenturymoviesandtv]

Ladyhawke: The Characters

The problem with putting a fairytale on screen is that the characters are usually the least interesting part of the story.

In most legends, the focus of the story isn’t really on the characters.  It’s on the plot, and what the characters do.  When you come right down to it, the point of most fairytales isn’t really about character growth, it’s about good vs. evil, heroic deeds against acts of villainy.  The characters tend to be archetypes, with the side of good led by the Hero, the Champion, the Dragonslayer, and the side of evil led by the Ruler, or the Classic Villain.  There are damsels in distress, mentor figures, and sometimes sidekicks along the way, but when it comes to fairy tales, there isn’t a huge amount of variety or development in the people involved.  The characters exist to champion a side, to move the plot forward, to give us someone to root for.

In a story so reminiscent of a fairy-tale, Ladyhawke could be forgiven for using these archetypes as a way to advance its plot.  The thing is, it doesn’t.  

Instead of marching out the clichés of standard sword and sorcery characters, Ladyhawke does something different: it plays on subversions of simple archetypes, developing them in different ways that adds to the distinctive style of the film.  Today, we’re going to be taking a closer look at these characters and the unique way they are used, beginning, of course, with our protagonist. (Spoilers below!)

As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, the most interesting thing about our main character is that he really has no business in this story.

In any other fantasy story, Phillipe Gaston would be a smaller character, perhaps a comedic sidekick or a helpful rogue, taking up his own part of the narrative without changing too much or growing as a character.  He is an Action Survivor, a shrewd thief that possesses both boyish charm and wry cynicism.  He’s smart, but impulsive, lies often, but is honest about himself.  He avoids battle at all costs, and wavers back and forth between arrogance and apprehension depending on the scenario at hand.  In short: Phillipe is by no means a fantasy hero, and really doesn’t belong at the forefront of this conflict.  Even more interestingly, he knows it.

Again, as I’ve mentioned earlier, Phillipe seems very disconnected with events around him.  He is only involved in the plot simply because he is the only person who has ever escaped from the place Navarre is trying to get into.  He is involved because of his skills, not his importance to the plot.  Phillipe has no connection with anyone, not Navarre, Isabeau, the monk Imperius, or even the villain, the Bishop. With no connection, he has no investment in the characters, no reason to help.  On top of that, he doesn’t really have any of the traits befitting traditional fantasy heroes.  

Putting it like that, Phillipe really seems like a terrible choice for a protagonist.

Now for our next question.

Does Phillipe as a main character work anyway?

Actually, yeah.

Now, wait a minute, you might say.  You just told me why he doesn’t work as a main character, and now you decide that, going against all good characterization of main leads, it works anyway?  Isn’t that going against the laws of film critiquing?

Here’s the thing.

Sometimes, characters who seem like bad ideas in theory turn out to be good ones in practice.  In my opinion, Phillipe Gaston is one of those characters.

In my last film review, I talked about what made Dorothy Gale such a good protagonist for The Wizard of Oz, and one thing that I mentioned was that every protagonist needs a problem, particularly a problem pertaining to the plot.  At first, it seems like this is fuel for the argument that Navarre should have been the protagonist and not Phillipe, a closer look perhaps proves otherwise.

At the beginning of the story, Phillipe’s problem would appear to be not only simple, but being taken care of: he’s in prison.  More specifically, when the story picks up, he’s escaping prison, trying to stay ahead of the Bishop’s guards.  He doesn’t want anything except to get away. Nothing drives him.  He has no goal except that of escaping pursuit, which, while not being a traditional fantasy hero’s goal, is extremely understandable, and relatable to the audience.

I want to draw your attention to that fact, because that’s extremely important to both Phillipe’s character, and his role within the story.

Throughout the entire film, Phillipe responds to everything in a reasonably realistic manner, one that is relatable to the audience.  He learns things at the same rate that we do, and as a result, Phillipe ends up being the audience surrogate, hence his aforementioned ‘outsider’ viewpoint on the story.  As mentioned in the ‘story’ segment earlier, it is an inversion of the ‘Hero’s Journey’: an unheroic hero being forcibly drug along on a quest that is not his own.

This is part of what makes the character of Phillipe work so well for the first half of the film, and here is where things get tricky.

You see, if Phillipe had remained this type of character throughout the entire film, he really wouldn’t have worked as a protagonist at all.  For a main character to work, they have to change, and in the case of characters whose goals don’t fit with the story, the goals have to change as well.

In Phillipe’s case, it’s moving from a selfish goal to a selfless one.

Like I said, Phillipe’s objective at the beginning of the story is to escape. His concern is for his own skin, as it remains even after being hauled along into Navarre’s quest.  However, something happens during the story that affects a change in his plans, and in the process, his character.

After Isabeau’s injury, while Imperius is explaining the curse and the history of the lovers to Phillipe, his focus shifts from himself to Navarre and Isabeau.  Due to growing friendship with the couple (Notably Navarre), Phillipe decides to do the right thing and help them, to the point where he is attempting to convince Navarre of the way to end the curse.

That change is where the magic (forgive the pun) happens.  Phillipe’s introduction into the grander scale of what’s going on is the realization that jolts him into being a more active part of the story, putting him firmly in the actual main conflict.  The second half of the story is where the ‘protagonist’ part of his character comes in: when his goals begin to match up with the story. He is the catalyst, the thing that prevents the other characters from total despair, and it is because of him that the curse is broken.  It is Phillipe that causes the other characters to regain their hope, and as a result, reach their own happy endings.

If that’s so, you might say.  If Phillipe grows into being the main hero, then why isn’t he a bigger part of the climax?  Where’s his ‘hero’ moment?

That’s a fair question.  With character arcs, we like to see them end, satisfactorily.  How does his arc cumulate?

Like Dorothy, Phillipe’s ‘hero’ moment isn’t a dragon slaying moment, and unlike Dorothy, his hour of bravery isn’t even at the climax.  It comes earlier.

As I pointed out in the ‘story’ segment, Phillipe’s ‘hero’ moment arrives when Navarre, in wolf form, is falling through the ice over the water.  This is the scene where, for the first time, Phillipe puts himself in harm’s way for someone else.   Going in after Navarre allows him to fully switch from selfishness to selflessness, or, in other words, from petty thief to hero.

In short?  Phillipe Gaston, while seemingly out of place in both personality and role, somehow manages to be a compelling, if unusual, supporting protagonist.

But of course, the main draw of a fantasy movie is the Knight in Shining Armor, right?

At first glance, Etienne Navarre seems like the perfect fantasy hero.  He is stern, quiet, an expert swordsman and great warrior.  He’s decked out in black armor, possesses an ancestral sword, a horse, and, of course, the secret of his curse.  Navarre is the one with the quest for this story, and as a result, has a connection with every other character in the movie. He is an active character, driving the plot with his own goal.  

Remember what I said earlier about the character subversions?

It is Navarre’s goal that receives the subversive treatment.

In many fantasy stories, the hero’s quest is a great moral battle, a good and evil, right vs. wrong.  Luke Skywalker wants to overthrow the Empire.  Harry Potter wants to stop Voldermort.  Frodo Baggins wants to destroy the Ring of Power to stop Sauron.  These are all larger-than-life stories about defeating an evil for the good of the world.  

Following this pattern, you’d think Navarre’s quest would be to break the curse and overthrow the Bishop for his tyrannical rule, whether by consulting a wizard or raising a rebellion, or going on a great journey to find a way, but it’s not.  Navarre is cursed, and he knows it, and in a world with magic so infrequently used, his mission is that of revenge.

Navarre wants nothing else but to kill the Bishop at the start of the film, and that is where we get our subversion.

This decision is not to indicate that Navarre is a bad person, or an antihero in any way.  Like I said earlier, the characters in this film respond to things with startling amounts of realism.  Most of us wouldn’t search for a magical cure, most of us would immediately think to the ‘realistic’ way of dealing with it: revenge.

So it is with calm, cold precision that Navarre waits for two years for a sign to attack, and the sign comes in the form of the escape of Phillipe Gaston from the Bishop’s prison, causing their paths to cross.  Navarre’s plan is smart and simple: use Phillipe to get in, and murder the Bishop with the sword of his ancestors, completing his mission.

What’s interesting about Navarre is that he too experiences a goal change, albeit a little later than Phillipe does.

See, at the point where the film begins, Navarre (and Isabeau) have lost hope, if they had any to begin with.  They are worn down with the effect of the curse, and Navarre’s anger at the situation comes out in this revenge plot.  It is to the point that, when Phillipe experiences his own goal change, realizing he wants to help the couple, Navarre refuses to believe in a way to break the curse, and commands Phillipe not to tell Isabeau.

At first, this seems kind of selfish on his part; it almost seems like he’s putting his revenge plan over an actual way to save them both, and he doesn’t even give Isabeau a say in the matter.  The thing is, once again, it’s a realistic answer.  Not believing in the miraculous would seem like a good way to not be let down easily.  On top of that, the curse breaking isn’t plainly worded, and seemingly impossible to fulfill.  For both their sakes, Navarre refuses to believe in what he sees as a foolish hope.

What changed?

Phillipe.

It is his change of character, his dive into the water after Navarre, and the following day’s realization that Phillipe had rescued him at personal risk, (with the scars to prove it) that makes Navarre decide to give the breaking curse a chance.  By the same token, he does remain practical, and changes his plans back to revenge when there seems to be no sign of a ‘day without a night’.

In the end, of course, Imperius and Phillipe are right, and the curse is broken, reuniting Navarre and Isabeau, giving them their happy ending. And in the end, Navarre is also changed, becoming a more hopeful person after the proof that sometimes, miracles do happen.

But what of the other half of the couple?

Let’s talk about the titular Ladyhawke: Isabeau d'Anjou.

The interesting thing about Isabeau is, once again, tied to her utter practicality and realism.  Neither a helpless damsel nor a great warrior, Isabeau is a subversion of most female fantasy archetypes, being very simply a woman with a problem.  It’s just that the problem is a little more fantastic than most.

We don’t really know a lot about Isabeau’s character, since she doesn’t appear a lot within the movie itself.  Human by night, she carries with her an air of sadness and mystery, gentle and warm, but with a heart of steel underneath.  Isabeau is an incredibly strong person, living out her days by night, never seeing the man she loves except for at twilight and dawn, and having to fend for herself each night for survival.  Time and time again, she displays incredible strength of character, rushing out into the wolf-trap-littered woods to save Navarre, and, during the curse-breaking, takes the hawk jesses and coldly throws them at the Bishop’s feet in her own show of victory.

By the time of the story’s opening, Isabeau too has lost hope. After two years of living like this, separated from all she knows, she is despondent, with no discernable way out.

Once again, it’s Phillipe to the rescue.

It is his intervention on the couple’s lives that brings them to the point of hope.  Without him, there is no catalyst for the plot, there is no knowledge of a way to break the curse.  And at the end, when Isabeau stands with Navarre, fully human, she is finally joyful, full of hope for the future.

But there would have been no curse-breaking if not for the monk, Imperius.

Imperius is an ex-priest, living as a monk as penance for his accidental betrayal of the couple.  Being the one person confided in about the relationship, Imperius, while drunk, accidently informs the Bishop of it, leading to the curse in the first place.

Horrified and distraught, Imperius becomes a monk, desperately seeking the answer to this curse to seek redemption.  His growth comes in that redemption.

Rejected by Navarre, he is encouraged to follow them by Phillipe, proving his worth as he assists them in both the rescue of Navarre and the breaking of the curse.  It is this man’s desire to make things right that allows the happy ending in the first place, giving him peace and granting him forgiveness from what he inadvertently caused.

Although, let’s not lay excess blame at his door.  After all, the Bishop is our big baddie here.

The Bishop (no name given) serves as the main villain of this film, and once again, is a subversion of the traditional fantasy villains.  He’s not an emperor, a warlord, a king, or a leader of a band of orcs or goblins.  He is a selfish, controlling, old man who is driven by his lust and jealousy.  (Think a version of Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.)

The curse, as mentioned previously, is his fault.  After his pursuit of Isabeau is rejected, his anger causes him to lash out at both her, and the person she is in love with.  This curse, an unnatural thing called up with considerable effort from a darker realm beyond ours, causes the animal transformations that prevent the couple from ever being together.  What’s notable about this is that the curse does not only affect Navarre, but intentionally Isabeau too.  The Bishop’s line of thinking is even said out loud: “If I can’t have her, no man shall.”

The Bishop is not extremely powerful in a traditional sense.  He is the leader of the church, which gives him power over the people there in an influential way, and uses this power unjustly. He has no armies other than a band of guards (which Navarre dispatches) and himself is no match for the fury of a trained warrior.  In fact, it is because of this that the curse needs to be broken the way that it is.

The curse is not broken by killing him.

In many fantasy films, all curses are undone by killing the curser. Not so here.  Against a villain with no physical power, what better way to pose a problem for the protagonists by making the answer one of non-violence?

To break the curse, Navarre and Isabeau must confront him together, as humans, demonstrating that he has no power over them.  The curse is broken in a way that demonstrates direct defiance of his jealous and lustful nature, the couple reunited and human, despite his best efforts.  Sure, he dies anyway, but the principle of it is that show of boldness against him.

Another interesting thing about him is how he relates to the realm of villains in general.  In many cases, villains have personal ties with the main hero, or a symbolic connection, something in common or in contrast with the main character that draws some kind of connection.

Harking back to what I said earlier, the Bishop has no ties with Phillipe whatsoever besides being the one whose jail he escaped from.  The main conflict in this story is between the Bishop and Navarre, again, nailing home that final point of what I’ve mentioned earlier: Phillipe is an audience surrogate character slowly turned into a protagonist, not a heroic fantasy character. The Bishop is Navarre and Isabeau’s enemy, not Phillipe’s.

So how does this make him work as a villain?

Surprisingly well.

He has elements that very much make him seem like a real-world villain. He has no magical abilities of his own, he has no armies, no physical abilities.  He is a man placed in power who chooses to abuse it.  He is selfish, controlling, jealous and hateful, like any rejected suitor who tries to use his power for his own gain.  His curse is not of his own, but the result of much searching to intentionally make the couple’s lives utterly miserable because of his denial. Once again, the key to his characterization is the utter realism in which his motivation and execution is rooted.

He is thoroughly believable, and thus, the audience rejoices over his defeat and death.

The beauty of all of these characters is the total reality in which they are grounded.  These are very real people, stuck in fantastic circumstances, dealing with it the best they know how.  The characters are relatable to the audience, whether it’s the cold anger of Navarre, the sad sincerity of Isabeau, or the bewildered but witty reactions of Phillipe.  You feel their emotions, and you understand where every character is coming from because of the realistic way they are portrayed, and the lifelike ways in which they react to the events around them.  No one is superhuman, nor unrealistically incapable, they exist as people that we can easily see existing.

Ladyhawke’s characters work as subversions of traditional ‘fairy-tale’ stories because it plays the ‘fairy-tale’ aspect straight, while playing around with the character archetypes.  There is a romance, a curse, and true love conquers all, but the way in which it is done, and the way in which characters go about acting out the fairy-tale turns it from a bright children’s story to a familiar-feeling, simple, but emotional story about people the audience, no matter what age, can relate to.

As with The Wizard of Oz, these characters are not overly complex, but in this case, they are not simple, either.  They serve their purpose, which is to relate to each other and make us care about what happens to them, and this film definitely succeeds in that.  In a film much more grounded than contemporaries such as Labyrinth, the characters and their struggles hit that much closer to home, and we feel the sincerity of what’s going on.  Even in the unbelievable aspects, such as the effects of the curse, Isabeau and Navarre’s pain is tangible, and the audience isn’t immune to that.

The characters in Ladyhawke leave a strong, unique impact in an equally unique film, a film that really does deserve a higher place in the history of fantasy films, if for nothing else it’s courage to combine the tried-and-true and the innovative ways of conveying story and characterization.  These people make the plot compelling, and they make us care about them, and in the end, that’s the point of characters.  With that in mind, Ladyhawke certainly does its job, memorably so.

Thank you guys so much for reading!  If you enjoyed it, stick around for more, since we’re not done talking about the elements that make up Ladyhawke. If you have something you’d like to add or say, don’t forget that the ask box is always open!  I hope to see you all in the next article.

[dillydedalus]

september reading

there is literally no way it is september. impossible. anyway this month we have  horror, Fake Dating, the rashomon effect, a time war, and most importantly, no neutrals to be found anywhere

the old man & his sons, heðin brú (tr. from faroese by john f. west) published on the faroe islands in 1940 and the first faroese novel to be translated into english, this is a story about the dramatic shift in life style during the 30s on the faroe islands, from hardscrabble subsistence farming/fishing to market economy. interesting look at changing life on isolated isles, and a much lighter (and shorter) take on the stubborn autonomous subsistence farmer than laxness’s independent people. 3/5

the white shroud, antanas škėma (tr from lithuanian by karla gruodis - english/claudia sinnig - german) a modernist, fragmented, nonlinear novel about a lithuanian poet gone into exile, now working as an elevator operator in a new york hotel, who is involved with a married woman but might also be terminally ill. in between the present timeline, the book flashes back (both in the character’s own writing and in third person) to his youth in lithuania, his torture at the hands of the soviet regime, his time at a DP camp in germany and so on. quite interesting, with some great writing. 3/5

things we lost in the fire, mariana enríquez (tr. from spanish by megan mcdowell) really good collection of horror-ish short stories that also touch on gendered violence, child abuse, poverty and argentinian history (esp. dictatorship and disappearances) - some stories are more overtly horror, with clear supernatural elements, others are more ambiguous. i don’t read (or watch) horror stuff so i’m a bad judge of how scary this is - i found it more gruesome and upsetting than terrifying, but the dread is strong in this one. favourites: adela’s house (hungry haunted house), end of term and the title story (women & self-inflictred violence), under the black water (the poisoned oil-choked river is very bad but maybe.... there’s something worse in there). good, vividly gruesome, sharp sharp sharp. 3.5/5

axiom’s end, lindsay ellis i really like lindsay ellis, of all the ~youtube video essayists~ she’s probably my favourite and this book a) has a cool premise - aliens + conspiracies + alien communication and b) a really cool cover, and it’s lindsay, so i was super excited for this one. and it would be unfair to say i was disappointed with it; it’s a fun first contact romp with really good pacing, cool aliens, on-brand lindsay ellis humour and some interesting ideas on communicating with someone who is truly alien and incomprehensible. it’s fine! i enjoyed it and will definitely read the sequel, it’s just... i was hoping it would be AMAZING, and it just wasn’t. no huge problems (except for a few lines i would have liked to take a red pen to), just.... it was fine. 3.5/5 

zeno’s conscience, italo svevo (tr. from italian by william weaver) imagine you’re a businessman in trieste who does a little unsuccessful writing on the side and one day you decide to take english lessons to improve your business opportunities with the uk and your english teacher is JAMES FUCKING JOYCE who tells you that you need to keep writing. incredible. anyway these are the autobiographical notes of one zeno cosini, a hapless hypochondriac smug self-delusional fool, who just cannot quite quit smoking, marries the one sister out of three he least desires, & works as an accountant (for the man who married his most-desired of said sisters) despite his rather tenuous grasp on bookkeeping. my favourite scene is when his future sister in law (2nd most desired) complains lightly about her difficulties with latin, he tells her that he believes latin is a man’s language and even roman ladies probably didn’t actually speak it, only for her to correct him on a latin quotation. i will say tho that this book is way to long to maintain the endearingness and often drags. 3/5 tfw u write for an audience of one but that one is james joyce so fair enough

der hund/der tunnel/die panne, friedrich dürrenmatt dürrenmatt (in addition to having a cool-ass name) really fucking slaps!  his stuff is really good, and often really really wild. these three stories are all weird & slightly existentially scary, two degrees left of reality, and just. so interesting! we have a man stalking a street preacher and his monstrous dog, a train going through a tunnel for way too long (and it is very scary), and a man becoming involved in a pretend-trial (or is it) and becoming convinced that he actually is a murderer (or is he, really?). anyway, dürrenmatt.... slaps. 4/5

wow, no thank you., samantha irby a mix of memoir and comedy blogpost and social critique blogpost about growing up poor & black, dating while fat, chronic illness, and settling down in rural america. it’s fine. i haven’t read irby’s previous collections so maybe i’m missing that emotional connection, but i thought it was mostly...okay?? not especially funny imo & i prefered the more serious chapters of which there weren’t enough. 2/5

they say in harlan county: an oral history, alessandro portelli really impressive oral history about life in harlan county, appalachia, focusing on the labor strikes and conflicts in the 30s and 40s, but really exploring life and politics in the region from the first non-native settlement there to today. really interesting, sometimes inspiring and often infuriating and probably worth reading if you’ve ever listened to which side are you on. 4/5

rashomon & other stories, ryunosuke akutagawa (tr. from japanese by jay rubin) fun fact: if you read the short story “rashomon” expecting to get the, y’know, rashomon effect, you won’t get it bc the film actually takes its plot from the story  “in a grove”. anyway this is an interesting collection of classic japanese short stories, many of which are actually about unreliable witnesses/narrators. i particularly enjoyed “in a grove” and the truly disturbing “hell screen”, but found this particular collection just a bit too long. 3/5

women without men, shahrnush parsipur (tr. from farsi by kamran talatoff & joceyln sharlet) a magical realist feminist novella about 5 women in iran who all try to liberate themselves from men in one way or another, more or less successfully (one of them turns into a tree, another becomes undead), until they end up in a semi-utopian garden together for a time. disturbing in its depiction oppression and sexual/gendered violence. i don’t really know how i feel about it, but it’s a really unique and interesting reading experience; very fraught and ambivalent in the end. 3.5/5

take a hint, dani brown, talia hibbert i think this is the first actual pure genre-romance book i’ve read... in years??possibly ever? idk. anyway this is mostly a pretty fun & sweet story about ambitious & emotionally constipated phd student dani brown and security guy with tragic past zaf ansari, who begin a fake relationship for Various Reasons (as you do) and both develop Real Feelings (as you do, predictably). it’s mostly really enjoyable but man i’m really not used to Romance writing & it’s a lot. in the end everyone is very genuine & earnest & emotionally honest which.... not to be even more emotionally repressed than dani but i cannot deal with that. anyway given that 2020 truly is the gift that keeps on giving this was a fun fluffy delight & i might  read more from the series. 3.5/5

this is how you lose the time war, amal el-mohtar & max gladstone two agents (red and blue) on opposing sides of a time war (the futuristic techy Agency vs the eco/organic Garden - neither of them is Good or Bad exactly) start writing letters as they hunt each other through the strands of time’s braid and eventually (inevitably) fall in love. really interesting concept of time travel and different timelines (if, like me, you conceptualise past as down and future as up, this will trip you up so much), very lyrical writing that sometimes toes the line to overwritten but mostly really works. 3.5/5

DNF: the madman of freedom square & the iraqi christ, hassan blasim (tr. from arabic by jonathan wright, german tr. by hartmut fähndrich) bindup of these two short story collections about iraq. these are incredibly brutal, depressing & horrifying stories about a country in a constant state of war & struggle. couldn’t bear it, probably not ever & certainly not right now. 

allegro pastell, leif randt (audio) this is brilliant, bitingly funny novel about a millenial couple, tanja & jerome, and their on-and-off long distance relationship. they are privileged (and half-aware of it), attractive, successful, very in touch with their own feelings (couldn’t be me), self-reflective, faintly ironic in everything bc sincerity might be cringe, and you will hate them. these are people who perform their feelings rather than feel them, dissect all their opinions and impulses to the point of both paralysis and narcissism, engage in constant navelgazing and cannot form any relationship that isn’t based in constant evaluation and judgment. they pride themselves on their nonconformity but are really the greatest conformists of all, and the most square, boring, spießig people under the veneer of their urban liberal drug-and-club lifestyle. had so much fun with it even as i was constantly cringing at these people. 4/5

[calliecat93]

Red vs Blue Season 17 Review, Part One

On March 9th, 2019, Red vs Blue: Singularity premiered at last. After the monster cliffhanger of S16, to say that many of us had been anxious would be an understatement. Well, it’s several months later and the season has concluded it’s 12 episode run. So, was it good? Was it bad? Well… that’s a hard question to answer. But however we feel, we’re going to be going over it today in my Season 17 Review~!

This baby got a Hell of a lot longer than intended, so hopefully, it’s coherent. I tried to be firm, but honest. No matter what I think though, there is no arguing that these people put in a lot of work to make this season a reality. I never want that fact to be ignored. So thank you Jason, Miles, Josh, Austin, Greg, Joe, RT Animation, and everyone else for all the hard work. Couldn’t have been easy, but we appreciate it all the same~!

So with that said, for the final time, let us talk about Red vs Blue Season 17.

Visuals/Machinima

This season was unique in that not only was Halo 5 still being us, but they had to go back and use all the past renditions as well. It looked like they were going to use Halo 2 Anniversary for the paradox stuff, a familiar yet different design, but I guess someone decided it was better to just reuse the older games. Which I think was probably the right choice. Halo 2 Anniversary I think would have helped add this feeling of everything being off, but at the same time seeing the previous versions helps connect to the moments more. It adds more emotional investment since we’re seeing something that we recognize being fucked with. It meant more work for the Machinima team, and I hope that they’re all still alive and had a nice vacation after it was all over cause yikes. Their efforts are greatly appreciated~

The machinima was overall very good. Josh Ornelas has been with the show for six years as a machinimator and directed at least a few episodes of S14. So he was more than fit to be a co-director for this season. Austin Clark is newer and IDK when he started (my guess is around 14 or 15), but I think he’s shown that he’s perfectly capable both as a machinimator and as a director. I never noticed any issues with the machinima that threw me off… but as usual, it’s hard to critique what are essentially video game movements/defaults. Very least whenever the characters were emotional or something, I got the feeling from how the scene was framed. Even though you can’t see the faces, the machinimators know how to frame it to make you feel the intended emotion. Episode 9 with Carolina and Wash’s talk I think demonstrated that. Yeah, the VA-ing helped, but you can see the emotion, even though there’s no emotion to display. And while Austin handled the even-numbered episodes and Josh the odd ones, everything felt like they were on the same page, which is essential when co-directing. They both did an excellent job directing.

Animation was sadly sparse compared to the last season. Wasn’t bad though. There were some good bits, like the opening credits and Wash directing his gun at Genkins in Episode 3. Oh. and Genkins getting stabbed with his own golf club was pretty gruesome, especially with his writhing around, but seeing the original Halo animated was nice. We only got one fight scene, but it was Carolina vs Carolina and it was badass. Not as creative as the Donut vs O’Malley fight, but still really good and impactful. Loved it!. The sets and effects were all very good. Just look at the opening. The effects used for The Everwhen looked really cool and other-worldly. The Labyrinth looked pretty creepy, as it should be considering its true nature. And of course, all the previous Halo’s still looked good… maybe a little dated with Halo: CE but still as good as it did in the remaster.

Overall, visually speaking, the season was really good. The machinima looked great and was directed competently. I felt engaged, and that’s what’s important. Definitely one of the season high points.

Voice Acting/Music

We’re mainly going to be discussing Dan Godwin, Shannon McCormick, Jen Brown, Ricco Fajardo, and Lee Eddy. Everyone else in the main cast was pretty much at the expected level of quality. There’s sadly not much to talk about specifically, which we’ll go more into during the character section. But Joel, Matt, Gus, Geoff, Becca, and Jason Saldana all did well and gave the quality that I expect from them, just nothing that stands out really. I’ll say this, Geoff and Becca’s performance in the finale was very strong and emotional and I loved it. Matt he both got to do Wyoming again and had to do Doc and O’Malley at the same time, which he nailed perfectly. And hearing Burnie as Church again was really nice… but never let him do English Lopez again. Ever.

Let's talk about villains first. Ricco Fajardo as Genkins is freakin’ fantastic. While we got glimpses of it last season, Genkins fun but truly shitty self is on full display this season. And Ricco is clearly having the time of his life recording it. He’s just always so cheerful and having fun, but it feels so messed up and sadistic due to the circumstances. But he owns it. Sometimes having a villain who is just shitty can be fun, especially if you have a competent actor doing it. And Ricco absolutely nailed it. We also have Lee Eddy, who voiced 479er, make her return to RvB as Chrovos. She too is clearly having a fun time. She goes full-on Large Ham with Chrovos’ theatrics and basting but also portrays her getting fed up very well. It’s the Gwen in her showing, haha. But yeah, these are two fun villain characters, and the performances very much reflected that. Loved it~

Next, we have our Freelancers, Shannon and Jen. They both got the emotions hard this season. Which considering how their plot ended last season, is no surprise. It’s no shock that these two did very well, but… man… Jen had to express a lot of guilt, but also a lot of tears and pain. Which she did very well. Carolina feels terrible and has to accept that her efforts were in vain, and Jen conveyed that very well. The second that Carolina breaks down in Episode 9… God, I just wanted to hug her. Then there’s Episode 11 where Carolina is confronting her past self, and it truly does feel like two different characters, even though it’s the same actress. It was a very strong performance this season, arguably her best one yet.

Then we have Shannon. Oh golly, Shannon. How long has he been doing Wash now? Over a decade, right? He knows this character in and out… and he perfectly shows that this season. Wash has a lot to get through this season. His anger at Carolina, him having to accept what happened, accept what has to happen, it’s a lot. Shannon nails it. From going back and forth between normal and crazy in Episode 3 to any time his anger at Carolina showed, to his talk with Carolina in Episode 5, his acceptance of his fate and prepping for it in Episode 9, and his horror to seeing everyone die in 11. And he still got lighter moments, like his interactions with Donut, which were super enjoyable. Shannon just knocked it out of the park this season, and I loved it.

But of course, the one I have to give the biggest kudos to is Dan Godwin. While he has performed Donut since the very beginning… well, he only got to do so much since Donut only got to do so much. He never did a bad job, or he was on par with everyone else, but he simply wasn’t really allowed to go beyond ‘optimistic, innuendo-spouting moron’. That is, until now. Dan got to do so much this season. He got a full range to do with Donut that he really never got, or only got so briefly. He got to be emotional, he got to be angry, he got to be frustrated, he got to be utterly done with absolutely everything. And he conveyed all of that very well. Heck, I think the pitch even lowered a little bit compared to before, or it felt less squeaky as the season went on. It feels more like an in-between of Blood Gulch Donut and pre-Paradox Donut, which I think works. Overall, Dan got to show how much experience with the character he really has after so many years of not getting to, and he was by far the best performer due to it.

Everyone in the cast did great. Even for brief returns like Miles and Gray with the Mercs, Arryn Zech with Dr. Grey, and the Freelancers all did a great job. Jason Weight as Grif’s coach was also simultaneously hilarious and scary. He clearly put his all into it, anyways. As for the music… what? Ae we surprised that it was good? David Levy and Trocadero again delivered a solid soundtrack. The fact that we have to wait for both this soundtrack and still for the S16 soundtrack continues to upset me. But at least it means a lot of quality tracks whenever they do come out. Solid job overall from the music team.

Characters

So one of the problems with these reviews is I have to remember to look at things two ways: as a fan and as a critic. We had a lot of really good character stuff with some characters… and not so much with others. And looking at it as a fan and then as a critic causes two widely different perspectives regarding this section. Normally I’d rather get the negative out of the way, but to explain the negative I have to talk about the positives first. Hopefully, I don’t come off as too harsh, but I want to be honest in this review as well. So.. here we go.

Okay, happy first. The two main focuses of this season are Donut and Wash. Let's do Wash, and in turn Carolina, first. Wash… well, got put to the side last season for the most part. His plot was mainly focused on his brain damage that he didn’t know about and ended with his blow up at Carolina. Which we all know what that leads to. Here, Wash has to deal with the fallout of it. He gets to stabilize and be back to pre-brain damage and is determined to save the others… but his anger at Carolina is lingering. His arc this season is about him forgiving Carolina, helping Donut, and accepting his own fate. I think, overall, Wash had a very good arc. And this is coming from someone who is not that big of a Wash fan.

Wash’s anger at Carolina is understandable, but he realizes that she did it out of concern for him and never meant to hurt him, and especially after talking to her in Episode 5 and how even when paradox’d she still trusts him, he forgives her. Carolina, in turn, has to deal with the immense guilt of her actions… again. Yeah, the fact that we got another ‘Carolina is guilty’ story after Freelancer, S13, and S15, it’s feeling a little repetitive. But her emotions regarding it were very well written. You do really feel the remorse and understand why she did what she did. It makes it even worse when in Episode 9, Wash accepts what has to happen and Carolina has to accept it. It was one of the toughest scenes in the season but was such a beautiful, poignant moment for both. They still have problems, like Wash fears of losing everyone and Carolina has past issues lingering still over Freelancer and her family. But it’s safe to say that they’ve both become closer and stronger.

The biggest character of this season is, of course, Donut. This was a long time coming. Up until the end of the last season, Donut was probably the most underutilized character in the show aside from maybe Lopez and Doc. He went from a dumb but semi-competent rookie to a flamboyant, one-note joke character. Like after Blood Gulch I can't think of anything significant that he contributed. Recollection more or less wrote him out/killed him off, Chorus did nothing with him, and S15 also did nothing with him and even forgot him in certain scenes. S16 began to fix that, having Donut get annoyed at being ignored, nearly betray everyone, and then get into one of the shows best fight scenes by far. So we were building up for something for this season, and sure enough, it came and it came hard… was that at innuendo? Dang it Donut, you’ve influenced me too much!

This was developed for Donut that was loooong overdue. He further got frustrated with being ignored and belittled by everyone around him. He recognized his innuendo problem and tried to actively improve it. He showed some of that competence he had in Blood Gulch, piecing things together and actively taking charge since he understood things the most. When he told everyone off in Episode 7, it felt so satisfying because of how long he’s been treated like a nuisance when he was at worst a little annoying and TMI. He was willing, tried his best, and it really felt like he was finally allowed to be more than just a joke. It really made me like and appreciate Donut a LOT more than I did before. Like he used to not just be my least favorite Red, but my least favorite of the BGC. Now? He’s right below Grif and Simmons on the Overall Favorites List. Yeah, that’s a LOT of places.

Donut was great and I wouldn't change him getting him this development… but this development did come at a cost. That being development for everyone else. The other Reds and the Blues were shafted and shafted pretty badly. The first half of the season, they are trapped with no memory and go about how they would in that time period. Which okay, it’s necessary for the plot so we can overlook that one. They get restored in Episode 6… and they are STILL badly shafted. They are all joke characters, which does NOT work when we’re this deep in the plot. I mean we get some moments, like Tucker reliving his failure on Crash Site  Bravo and recognizing his fault over the past few seasons, Sarge has his scenario in Episode 11 that I thought was very insightful, but those are small moments. Sadly, Donut got too much attention. Even with Wash, him realizing how he was the Donut of Freelancer was more or less contributing to making Donut look good, as did Tucker’s moment. I like those scenes and I love Donut… but not everything had to be about him. He’s the main character, not the only one.

Let's do the Blues first. As I said, there were more or less just there and had no real major character development or effect on the plot. But that being said, they were given some legit good stuff. Tucker got it the best as he re-lived Crash Site Bravo and finally realized true leadership was. It was about stepping up when no one else would and when things were at their bleakest, not being the cool, macho guy like he kept acting like it was. Which after these past two seasons, was nice to see. I was one of the people who were perfectly fine with how Tucker was written the past two seasons because I could see why he had regressed. But I do know that a lot of people didn’t like it, and this feels like a good way to bring it all around. Have Tucker relive his worst moment, this time having to let it go through, and therefore truly remember what caused him to step up on Chorus: because he had to. It’s short, but it does its job and this along with his Labyrinth vision I think has really helped Tucker’s character immensely.

Caboose is overall pretty minor but had some good scenes like beating the shit out of Genkins in Episode 6 and figuring out how time travel worked before the others. It helps show that he’s an idiot, but he’s a smart idiot (if that makes any sense) and was a step up from his limited screentime last season. He also had my favorite line in the entire season (“These graphics look horrible!”). Sister was overall minor, but I’ll go into her later. You’ll see why when I get there. Doc was overall also minor and how the Hell he was in the Everwhen I’ll never know, but I do like him in the finale and finally getting a grip on O’Malley. He more or less is a combo of the two now and seems much more capable due to it, so that’s good. So yeah, while it may not have been a lot, the Blues and Doc were at least given something, which is better than nothing at all.

The Reds though… so you know how these past two seasons started giving them more development? You would think that since Donut is the main character, that would continue, right? Haha… nope! They went right back to ‘the comedy relief team who do absolutely nothing!’! Which after the past two seasons started to do more with them… yeah, this felt like a slap in the face. Sarge annoyed me this season. Mainly in Episode 7 where he was a hypocritical asshole about Donut’s betrayal, ignoring how he not that long ago betrayed everyone and was still feeling guilty about it. He was also the one primarily being a jerk to Donut, which did not do him any favors. I know it’s Sarge and he’s an asshole, so it’s not 100% unexpected… but I felt like it was pushed too much just to contribute to the ‘Donut is so unappreciated!’ arc. His speech in Episode 6 was hilarious though and I did like his Labyrinth vision showing that he can't handle both civilian or army life. It was surprisingly insightful in a way that I’m not used to with Sarge. So yeah, I feel his screentime was on par with Sister and Caboose at least.

Simmons… got nothing. Absolutely nothing. I mean the running gag where he kept seeing Donut shot was really funny, and it also meant he wasn't an asshole like Sarge. Heck, he seemed to be the only one willing to hear Donut out about saving them in Episode 7. And he did more or less point out how they could launch the gold club through the portal to stop Genkind from reigniting the paradox, which was minor but nice to see for him. Him not being a kissass anymore is also sticking, which seeing him back when he was pettier in Episode 2 did make me appreciate where he is now. The way that he was legit concerned for Donut during the ‘Wash shoots Donut’ gag also helps make it look like he at least cared about him in contrast to Sarge’s jackassery. But he was otherwise just there. Very least, it also means he was the only Red that I didn’t get frustrated about since his character remained consistent… until the finale with the utter bullshit that was his nightmare. Seriously guys, what the fuck?!

But at least with Sarge and Simmons, they weren’t exactly in the spotlight last season, so I don’t feel like I got cheated with them. I cannot say the same about Grif, however. Which we will cover that, as well as the Story section, in Part Two.

(Part Two)

[justanotherdumpingground]

Chapter Reviews: June 4-8, 2019

Wishful Thinking Chapter 9:

Man, that was mildly depressing to say the least, especially on the MC and Ellen bickering. At least there's Jaime and the pets to keep me company. Honestly, those three kept me from feeling down in this chapter. I didn't pick the premium option to be with Jaime, but I consider picking him as my LI, so it's likely I'll pick it, and all other scenes with him, in the future.

To be honest, I'm not "celebrating" Ellen getting fired despite how much of a jerk she is. In fact, what she said about the MC in a viper den comes off as ominous. As now-former head reporter, her words sound like a warning on Charlie, who has been acting fishy since his debut. Considering Ellen's level of experience on the field, it's hardly a surprise. Not to mention that Anna having something to say in the end of a chapter seems to take my suspicions into account.

Note to self: get Alec fired and replaced by someone else with a better judgment on the importance levels of news. That would be the ultimate cathartic moment. I heard that he suspends Ellen for a month if the MC says Ellen has been scaring guests like Anna, whereas he fires Ellen if the MC says she caught Ellen snooping around his office. I get that his privacy needs to be respected, but he should also be mindful of guests, and his job includes making sure they're respected. I certainly dislike Ellen for her behavior, but at least she has made the occasional point (e.g. her frustration at her story on environmental disaster sidelined in favor of MC's story on the local library losing a book), and she also has at least one moment that feel human (e.g. overworked but choosing to hide it out of fear of people seeing it as a weakness). They don't paint her in positive light, but at least she still makes sense as a character. Alec, on the other hand, has none of that and therefore deserves none of my respect.

Nightbound Chapter 8:

I'm glad the plot continues to move onward from the previous chapter. I love Vera's dress, and my MC in a period outfit looks fine. A pity I didn't buy it.

Well, hello Josephine Vance. Man, I miss the It Lives series and hope it returns in October as usual. As for Katherine, I have to comfort her and help her move on from her loss. I admire PB giving her some fleshing out on her insecurities, but still miffed that this information is paywalled. Nevertheless, it was a no brainer for me to pick it.

Man, the fight against the ghosts was tough, and it was fun to use the premium dagger and punch a ghost. Not to mention my respect for Cal and Vera has just increased when they chose to protect the MC from danger. Bonus points for Vera, who finally resolves to user her power for good.

Now that we're going to meet The Fate, I'm just anxious how ths figure will react and when we'll encounter Lord Elric again. Looking at the mirror in the premium scene with Katherine shows his reflection looking back at the MC, so it might be possible his monster tear will be acquired at some point.

Passport to Romance Chapter 13:

I think it's for the best for Elliot to be kicked out of his family's company's board of directors. All he does is mooch off of his brother's money as he travels around the globe. It's time he grows up.

The competition between Sumire and Bronwyn (premium scene but I can't resist it) is fun to watch. I have no love for Bronwyn and Carlisle, even if Bronwyn gave meaningful critique Sumire can use to improve her art. It was satisfying to watch Sumire win and call Bronwyn out for looking down on others and touting her own art as superior. Bonus points for the rooftop garden scene with Sumire, where her victory was mentioned, even though she and the MC got cockblocked.

To be honest, I paid less attention to the showdown between Marisa and Carlisle than to the drawing contest. Sure it was great to see Marisa winning against Carlisle, but that was because of Elliot distracting him, which lessened the satisfaction. I swear, Carlisle's worse than Bronwyn, who may be a jerk but still gave valid criticism in the previous chapter. Carlisle, on the other hand, is just a jerk who acts sore for the sake of it. As for Yvette, she made another point on the MC's friends moping too much on their emotional crises. At least Marisa has gotten over it, and I kinda helped with Sumire. Nevertheless, all four of them need to sort out their own messes while MC has to devote their focus on the vlog.

A Courtesan of Rome Chapter 20:

I had to recruit Sabina to my cause, but as an added bonus, it also features her talking about what she wants to do after Caesar has been dealt with. I may not be romancing her, but I have faith she'll get her plans sorted out, especially if she chooses to take over Locusta's apothecary.

Honestly, what was PB doing to Xanthe? Not digging into her character is already a huge disservice to her and the potentially meaningful commentary she can provide as a "regular citizen" trying to get on with her life. Shipping her to Sicily as a way to write her out reeks of human trafficking, which is a very. Moreover, I'm pissed that PB used hee to tear her down and make the MC look good in the process. I don't like Xanthe, but PB's use of the female rival trope just to tear her down reeks of misogyny. This doesn't give women a free pass. Instead, it means PB should write them with the care and nuance they deserve as part of their characterization.

Anyway, off to the gaining allies part. I managed to convince Cleopatra and Senator Lucius, but failed to convince Senator Cornelius because I don't have a high enough reputation. No matter. At least I have the support of gladiators thanks to Victus and Cingerix, so the finale better be epic.

Platinum Chapter 3:

I feel like there's not much to say in this chapter aside from this story starting to remind me of America's Most Eligible. Made up story about one's past, tough competition, and the pressures of being on the big screen. Jaylen should train under a more sensible singer instead of Ryder, and I feel like that won't be the last time we'll see Shane. What if we see him on occasion?

As for how this story is so far, I'd say it's okay. I've been losing interest in the romance aspect as of late, so I'm just focusing on how the MC's story unfolds. It better not make her rise to fame too easy, however.

Open Heart Chapter 17:

The hearing was surprisingly smooth. Only two doctors opposed the MC because of Deflan's meddling, I'm not sure of some other doctors, and I'm glad Naveen arrived to have my MC reinstated. The patients I treated or their relatives (I picked Shonda, who thought the panel's lame, Remy, who thanked me for giving him a reason to surf to the fullest, Sharon, who said I was a bit distracted but still credited me, and Annie, who was nice about my MC e-mailing her often) and the doctors I persuaded helped, though I cringed at Dr. Calais saying that the MC's skill at golf is enough to prove their good character. My only regret is that I didn't pick the option to punch Declan. At least Ethan managed to persuade Mrs. Martinez's son to drop the lawsuit by showing him a picture of his mother in Paris.

Man, I'm glad Aurora stood up to her aunt by saying that she had enough of being assigned cases and told her that the MC has proven to be a capable doctor. It appears that this scene affected Harper's decision to vote in my favor, and I'm thankful for that. Even better, she's planning to move to the MC's apartment now that Landry has moved out and transferred to Mass Kenmore.

Speaking of Landry, I decided to talk to him before it's too late. I'm still angry that he got away with disrupting patient care when he sabotaged the MC, and him bringing Naveen into the courtroom doesn't erase what he did. At least I don't have to deal with him and his unrepentant ass anymore, though at least I said good luck to him.

One thing I noticed is that since Ride or Die, there's no announcement for a sequel at the end of the finale. Instead, it's announced by PB itself outside the story. I guess this is gonna be a new thing from now on. Whatever that is, I'll get used to it.

Man, this story surprised me. I thought it's gonna be average because of my doubt in the quality of the stories as of late. It turned out to be better than I thought because of the colorful cast of characters and emotional moments when treating patients. It was sad to hear of the deaths of Dolores and Mrs. Martinez, heartwarming to watch Remy decide to make every moment to use his limbs count, and scary to treat the patients during the triage. There are also moments to feel awesome, such as helping Sienna break up with Wayne and getting reinstated at Edenbrook. I really look forward to Book 2.

Red Carpet Diaries Chapter 1:

I nearly considered writing into detail on how much I still have no love for this series, but because I don't want to rain on other people's parades, and my own anger has receded somehow, I'm not doing it.

Not surprised that there's no option to say I have no love interest. I may already have one, but I don't think this story should end in a wedding. On the bright side, I get to be with Victoria.

A pity I couldn't bring my beloved ocelot with me on vacation, though at least everyone else is doing well, though what's with Hunt having a beard? It makes me cringe.

Who on earth thinks it's a good idea to feature a boat accident during a vacation? That's just bizarre. And no way am I ignoring Victoria when she's trying to put on a life vest. Especially when she proposed to me at the end of the chapter.

Bloodbound Chapter 4:

Dang, this is one awesome chapter! MC is a cunning badass by tricking Mr. Klempf into freeing her, then the fight scene where she uses a giant mace on him, followed by another fight scene with the love interests and Cal. Man, everything is so intense that I have to applaud the inner circle and Cal for their badassery.

I'm starting to feel worried for Adrian after he killed Langdon in cold blood. I wonder whether this is the result of the serum injected to his body that causes him to become more like the First Vampire, who I'm convinced is Rheya. I also wonder whether she turned more people into vampires besides Xenocrates and Gaius.

Sad that I couldn't afford to find and free the other fantastic creatures. I would've freed them for a backup army like the Baron's prisoners back in Book 1. And that dream MC had with Adrian is starting to make me wonder if Adrian will really turn to the dark side.

[candrakylar]

Frequently Asked...Too Frequently

      I think it’s flattering when my readers reach out to me and describe their favorite scene in the series, tell me which character they relate most to, or even talk about what they like about the world of Iverli as a whole. It means a lot to me because you share a bond in that moment and understand just how important your writing can be to readers. It’s the reason I became an author. I never get tired of answering those e-mails or those questions in person at one of my signings. Keep them coming! This entry, though, is about the frequently asked questions that pretty much every author gets that generally has nothing to do with their books and are usually asked by people who have not read any of your work.

”Can I have your book for free? We're...(friend, family, randomly on Facebook together)!”

       No. Although I have beta readers who get the original draft of an upcoming work to help critique and are a valuable part of the process. Outside of that, my books are always priced reasonably either online or in local privately owned bookshops. The amount of work and time that goes into just getting one book published in my series is unbelievable. I’ve covered it in previous blogs and I would think that pretty much sums up why I don’t hand out hundreds of free copies. Not to mention, if I give a copy to one person then everyone who knows me will expect it. I find my true friends and supporters happily purchase one of my books just as I do for indie authors that I love. It’s a way to help pay the bills and giving me the time to write.

”Isn’t this just like that OTHER book series?”

       This can be exchanged with any Twilight, Anita Blake, Anne Rice whatever that can be inserted. At some point, paranormal fiction will collide and there will be similarities. Everything has already been done to a degree and it’s important to make your work unique. Ever read a book about a sassy witch who sets things right in her world along with her zany friends? I have, too. About fifty of them. At this point, that base line has been done and redone. My books may have similarities to other paranormal fiction but I strive to bring something truly original to my work. I’d bet other authors in the same genre work equally as hard to deliver something unique. Let’s be honest, not even the “greats” of paranormal fiction did anything that groundbreaking and original.

”I want to be an author because I have some great ideas! How do I do it?”

       This happens a lot. Though I don’t always mind it - some ideas are really something special - but it gets tiring when an author is asked this constantly. Yes, your idea may be great but it’s a lot of work from start to finish. Some people assume that we just sit down and something glorious comes out with no other effort. As mentioned before, writing is the easiest part of the process. Actually becoming a published author and generating reader interest is a whole other ball game. Also, and I mean this kindly, look for an online writer’s group to share your developing ideas with instead of an author you may or may not have read. We don’t have any epiphanies that will somehow make it easier for you to become a writer. Not everything is for everyone, it’s okay to just partake in writing as a hobby instead of a career.

       It has been my experience in the past that people hold high expectations for authors but, in the end, we’re just people doing our jobs like anyone else. We aren’t a standard to set and our answers are far from universal. If you want to write and have a good idea, it’s best to find a group online that will help nurture that passion. That’s what I did in my early days of writing! No one starts out as a best selling author or schedules a tour without any reader base. It can be an uphill battle with a lot of rejection along the way. If you’ve asked any of these questions and are now cringing away from your computer screen? No problem. We’ve all done this to someone, even I have, and it’s a learning process. Still keep the fan mail coming. I really look forward to hearing about your experience journeying through Iverli with me!

[portfolioshowcase]

Interview, Liam Warton - Into the Ocean of Emotion

Liam! What is chaos to you?

I am generally a quiet, introverted and reflective person and I often over-analyze things in order to gain some form of control. This means that I can be a little apprehensive when it comes to meeting new people or when faced with new social groups or situations (I am not really one for embracing the unknown or unfamiliar). For me, chaos is something that erupts from my personal anxiety and fears. A desperate state of panic when I am overwhelmed by the uncontrollability of my situation. I have lived with anxiety most of my life and I am working on managing and understanding how it affects me, so it doesn't become all-consuming.

..and how do you face the anarchy of the inner world (one within yourself)? Is it through acceptance, or sometimes, you fight it?

It depends on the moment and how defeated and anxious I feel (there are complexities and uncertainties to every situation). I often find the best approach to face this anarchy head on and address the root of the problem as well as remembering that it will pass. However, defeatism can often arise and sometimes it's just easiest to be alone and escape for a little while. Photography has been a very dependable and soothing mechanism for me, one I use as a way of fleeing from everyday life, especially when I am feeling down or self-critical. It is a way for me to break the downward spiral of negativity and to accept and channel my own feelings into my work or photography. Or as Rebecca Solnit eloquently put it, "To lose yourself: a voluptuous surrender, lost in your arms, lost to the world, utterly immersed in what is present so that its surroundings fade away".

Is your photographic work a reflection of everything that goes inside of you?

As touched on in the previous question, I use photography as a way to escape from my reality and feelings, to try and gain some form of comfort and relief. It is my medium to express myself, bring clarity and understand life. I also find that the best approach for me is to channel my own vantage point and feelings, hence my images depict themes of solitude, loneliness, nostalgia, melancholy, anxiety (chaos), longing and masculinity.

I recently exhibited some photographs in Berlin with three other photographers Annika Weertz, Joe Barrett and Phoebe Jane Barrett, with the theme being challenging traditional portrayals of masculinity. My aim with the series was to question stereotypical perceptions, where this strong and sexual traditional portrayal of masculinity meets the scrutiny and objectification that the female body has been historically subjected to, through the male gaze (in cinema and photography). I wanted to work with this topic of masculinity, as a result of growing up as a heterosexual male in Australia and struggling to strongly relate to this outdated masculine stereotype and being a photographer belonging to an industry where it is acceptable to exploit and over-sexualize women in the name of art.

Although there's little of it, you do have photographs where two people are immersed in each other. These photographs, can you talk to us about them?

To be honest, I don't really know why I have chosen to create these multiple exposures of two people merging into each other. If I was going to interpret these photographs I would probably say that they have something to do with the duality of the self and a critique of this false sense of self which we portray outward through for example social media (showing only our ideal selves rather than who we really are).

When I look at your work, I see an undercurrent of equanimity with great chaos. Is that because you find yourself exploring your subconscious more?

I always find it interesting to see how different people interpret my photographs and the meanings they derive. For me, when I create something I do not necessarily have any preconceived ideas in mind but rather I just create (it’s mostly in the process of connecting with my subject and feeling something that my ideas and imagination run away with me). This could be an exploration of my subconscious but it could also be something entirely different altogether.  

..and is your mixed media approach responsible for bringing out oversaturated emotion?

For me, at times I feel that the medium of photography can be limited and fixed, that the photo doesn't exist until it captured on film but from that point on its fixed and no longer fluid. This in comparison to other art forms where the process is flexible and ongoing. I am interested in the process of creating something over a longer period of time, starting off somewhere, changing ideas and coming back to this work in progress at a later date. I feel that the instant nature of photography is a blessing and a curse. I love the fact that I can go out and create a whole series of images and have the results within 48 hours (shooting film), but at the same time I feel like it is too easy to mass produce photos, and that there is something worthwhile in creating less over a longer period of time (the feeling of creating something rather than just documenting a moment in time). This feeling of dissatisfaction has made me want to explore different avenues and continue working on my images/ negatives after I have developed them in the darkroom. I also feel that I have more control and that I can add an additional layer to something that feels quite two dimensional, thus creating several and different sets of emotions through this manipulation.

Can you talk to us a little more about your creative process? How do you use film, work with light, and add digital elements to your work?

I shoot the majority of my work on film, however, I do have digital cameras and there are benefits and negatives to both formats. For me, it is ultimately about the photographic process and the hands-on approach that inspires me the most. I love the chemical magic of film, capturing something in reality and then seeing it later unravel before my eyes in the darkroom. The delayed gratification, of being focused in the moment rather than looking at a thousand photos constantly on the back of your screen. The sheer joy I get from testing different expired films and different ways of developing the negatives. The end result when shooting analog is also more in line with what I strive to express through my photography.

For inspiration, I usually do not turn to photography or to other photographers (that being said I do love/ feel inspired by the works of Maya Beano, Edie Sunday, Prue Stent, Lauren Withrow, and Laura Kampman). I rather draw inspiration from my surroundings and other art forms. Things that make me stop and question my perspectives and view things differently, such as music, literature, installations, paintings, cinema etc. These forms of creative expression inspire me to be determined by my art and to express myself through photography.

Another thing that's there, as substantial, in your work is nakedness. Is there a deeper symbolism in the photographs you would the subject posed naked?

Ultimately, I aim to create photographs that are raw and honest that channel my own vantage point and feelings. I can pose my subjects naked as a way of breaking down the barriers or distractions so that all that is left is vulnerability and fragility. That said, I am aware that our culture is constantly bombarded with sexualized images of women and I do not want to participate in this. Instead, I aim to depict both men and women equally. It's not about sexualization but rather about expressing something that is real to me.

With that, can you tell us about any story that you have read or a specific culture that has moved you deeply and you are constantly inspired by?

I don't have a specific work or story that I am constantly inspired by, however, I feel that I do derive inspiration from literature. I moved from Australia to Sweden three years ago and as a part of the integration process and learning a new language I have continuously read Swedish books, thus broadening my cultural perspectives. This move sparked an interest in languages which I didn't know I had. In particular, I am fascinated by the meaning of words (and their translations) and how they differ from one language to another, for example, the world "vilse" in Swedish translates to "lost" in English. These two words, however, don't have exactly the same meaning and there is this gap and something that is lost in the translation. There is power in the written word, however, these words have to be interpreted and understood which is subjective to the chosen language and the recipient. I am interested in this subjectivity, by what is fleeting, what goes unnoticed and what is lost, whether that is in language, in photography or other forms of expression.

Lastly, what would you suggest and share with other photographers?

Take your time to find your craft or style, don't just go in copy what someone else is doing or what is popular on Instagram or Flickr. Look outside of photography to other art forms for inspirations and find something that works for you. Create only for yourself instead of the intended audience. It's about questioning what you see, thinking about how you would like to portray it differently and how would you go about doing that with still images. I would also recommend not spending too much money or time on equipment or cameras but instead experimenting and exploring different techniques or approaches, it is often in the unknown that you find yourself and the happy accidents which shape your style.

A few Selects from Liam's Previous Works

Interview with Liam Warton

https://www.instagram.com/liamwartonphoto/

http://liamwarton.com/

Interviewed by The Portfolio

[suechoiart]

SU19 Internship_ Week 5+6

Starting again with a nerdy anecdote... My partner and I started working through Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, which is sincerely one of the best fantasy/(retro) sci-fi stories out there with a lot of heart. One of the biggest themes in the show is dependence - not in a toxic “co-dependency” way, but constant reminders that someone cannot do something alone ... This is often manifested in situations where absolute strength is helpless - e.g. the fire alchemist cannot use his flames during rainpours, and thus have to rely on his subordinates; a brilliant alchemist is helpless during a natural childbirth etc. .... (For reference, alchemy in this world might as well be magic- but a scientific one that requires equal amounts of resources to perform the transmutation.... Super cool stuff!) 

Pretty cool spread of the major characters in the show - everyone shown here are in one way or another reliant and indebt to someone else. This echoes the larger theme of the show- that everything is connected, and alchemy reveals that. 

So, this week’s topic... workplace hierarchy and relationships! and ‘continuing education’! 

This week is a bit wordy so .... ellipses........

_ feedback 

A catalyst event for this topic was getting feedback from Scott. Essentially he let me do some work that he knew I couldn’t do perfectly (drawing elevations on CAD - something I do not have a lot of experience with) and gave me feedback on my shortcomings. At this point, I started to understand that the work (product) I produce at work (workplace) is external to myself- that critique to my work (product) is not the same as myself being critiqued, Had I not started to compartmentalized that, I would have probably been hurt from his through and fair feedback that was a great insight to creating better drawings. 

Anyway, that I thanked him for his critique later and we had a good conversation about feedback. He let me know that he’s been working on how to deliver his critique over his professional career, but also never ‘holds back’ on it, because dishonesty and passive feedback, hurts everyone on the team. (He also complimented me that I take feedback well...!!!) 

I’ve always been interested in management and business practices, so I’ve been trying to be acutely aware about workplace relationships and interactions at Firma, internal to the team. 

_ workplace hierarchy and relationship 

Firma has two employees: Scott (owner) and Sarah (landscape designer). I have not had a thorough discussion about what Firma is supposed to be, but it has been a duo more-or-less since the firm’s opening in 2015. Scott has hired interns regularly to supplement the work, but I do not believe there’s been a third employee yet. (Scott mentioned that he had the chance last year, then the work decreased- so not biting the bullet might have worked out.) 

From the 6 weeks I’ve spent with Scott and Sarah, I can definitely tell that both people are growth-oriented, smart, kind people. I can feel the trust that Scott and Sarah have for each other, and by extension the trust they have in me to find and accomplish tasks. This has been a very productive environment to learn in, and one that I am acutely studding. 

Scott does all of the business management side. The winter “extern,” who was at Firma for a week or two, had the impression that Scott focused more on the management side and Sarah did majority of the design work. I totally do understand that, though - Scott spends a lot of time answering emails, setting up and going through time sheets, and responding to clients. But he is definitely the final voice on a good majority of stuff- all material that goes out to the client goes through Scott.  Scott is approachable and available, although I’ve picked up that Sarah wants to make sure I go through her first- since Scott is handling a lot of stuff that we cannot do.

Sarah started at Firma more-or-less right after she graduated, and since then her presence on projects grew, along with her confidence and familiarity on workplace organization. If I have a question about absolutely anything, Sarah has the answer to them - and when she doesn’t, she’s not afraid to ask for Scott’s attention and feedback. 

Sarah’s and Scott’s growth in the history of Firma are evident. They both acknowledge failures in previous projects as lessons. For example, they spec’d a 3 gallon buckeye bush and received a tiny... tiny.. little twig! And from there, they’re cautious to include a height for shrubs in addition to the industry standard gallon sizes. Past projects are remembered as forms of cautionary tales and precedents, and used to inform current and future projects. 

_ workplace evaluation and more feedback 

Going back to critique and feedback - in our conversation, Scott said that he values honest feedback much more. He shared that he’s seen instances at Olin where the senior/manager held back on giving proper feedback. This lead to this unknown ‘critique’ of an employee being brought into the breakroom, and then being released onto the employee during evaluations. “Employee evaluations shouldn’t be surprises,” Scott told me (dramatically reenacted in my mind), and I became a better leader because he shared that story. 

Sarah did her workplace evaluation during the internship (I think around the anniversary of her date of hire). I don’t think that there was an in-person meeting to actually discuss workplace evaluation. She shared the templates with me. There are three parts: Performance Evaluation Form which speaks to professional responsibilities, accomplishments, and goals; Professional Development Form, which asks questions about skills and PD (talents contributing to the office and around the office). These forms are likely borrowed from Scott’s former office that had a lot more employees; but I value and appreciate that these evaluations are being used between Scott and Sarah. 

The questions and answers to these forms, like mentioned before, should not be a surprise to the evaluator or to the evaluated. But I think there’s something great about formalities and taking time to process and think through your work. 

_ conclusion 

My passion for workplace productivity and management processes come from my liberal arts background... Aristotle said, “Politics is happiness,” and that has taken one form as spatial design (landscape architecture) and another as workplace happiness. Oh, and, the shock of graduating from a liberal arts degree and confronting ‘adulthood.’ :( 

Working at Firma has been a great assurance that there are people who value work-life-balance without sacrificing the quality of work. Design school and academia, deservingly, infamous for being toxic.. and workplace happiness (it’s a workplace, dammit!) is rarely a priority. 

I hope to retain these experiences to change the school year into a more productive experience for my peers ... If not, to hold onto it and remind myself that I’ve only got one year left. 

CHEERS! 

[knightofbalance-13]

The Logical Fallacies of Criticism

https://www.raphkoster.com/2013/10/14/on-getting-criticism/

Everyone who dislikes your work is right.

And the bottom line is, you put the game out there in order to get reactions. If it were not for reactions, you could have just kept the game in your drawer and gotten everything you needed out of it.

Incorrect: Nothing is ever valid if it is correct on that simple basis alone. i can say that the Avengers is literally the worst movie in history with terrible action, horrible dialogue and atrocious music and I would be right by this logic, despite it being a widely accepted fact that the Avengers movie is great in all these areas and having a very positive overall score to it. Just because you believe all criticism you got is correct doesn’t mean that applies to everyone or that even you are right. That is just a gateway to being used and manipulated by people.

You yourself say that reactions are what is needed for media: Would not positive reactions be included in that? And what about negative reactions that goes beyond the logical acceptance, such as what happened in Tokyo Ghoul where the creator was told to go kill himself because he didn’t make a ship canon? Should he retcon a decision of his so he can appease a group that went ballastic over a ship? The answer is yes to the first and no to the second and third.

The criticism that is useful is that which helps you do it better.

That means there are two aspects of your work that you want to hear about the most. What you did right, and what you did wrong.

This is a direct contradiction to what you said before where you basically said that negative criticism is always right but now it’s both sides that are important. And this brings up the question of: What if the reaction only shows one side? What if someone says nothing but praise and the other says nothing but criticism? Accepting either one means denying and avoiding the second side and that is an incredibly dangerous thing to do.

Nothing’s perfect.

The fact is that to do creative work is to know that most of what you do is shit. And we feel that way because we know we can do better. Honestly, if you aren’t pushing the boundaries of what you can do, you’re probably not working hard enough. And working at the edge means a lot of screw-ups.

While being critical of oneself is good, doing so too much and believing that “90% of what you do is shit” is not a valid nor even slightly healthy way as it denies you a style and constant puts you under pressure to change or improve everything when somethings don’t need improving or changing and are perfectly fine the way it is. Acting and thinking this way will only stress you out and leave you open to manipulation.

You often have to choose between your ideals and your message.

It doesn’t mean I have to give up on the philosophical ideal. But it does mean that there are many many ways to compromise, and not all of them leave you compromised. In fact, being uncompromising may be the least successful way to achieve your artistic goal.

Wait, but you said in the second statement:

People make games for different reasons. Some do it just because it is fun. Some do it as a form of personal expression. Some have a message to get across, and some are out to make money to put food on the table.

So what if compromising that message would contradict what they want to do? What if they want to get their message or philosphy across first and foremost? Yeah, in games this can be bad but not in all media: Books are a good media to get this across through a  story, entertaining the audience by detailing their philosphy. So this seems contradictory again.

You have to dig to get the gold.

Most feedback you get isn’t going to be from fellow practitioners. Even when it is, they are not going to know as much about the specific ways in which you did things, the tools you used, the practices you follow, to be able to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong without a pretty deep dive.

This means that usually, when someone tells you that something is wrong or broken, it’s going to be wrong. But wrong in the sense that it will be imprecise. You need to find out what the problem is underlying the problem. In other words, the symptoms described will almost always be right, and the diagnosis will often be wrong.

Don’t discard the feedback because of this. Look at it as a door you need to push on. Dig deeper and find out what the real issue is.

Incorrect again. Just because someone says it’s wrong doesn’t make it wrong. In criticism it only becomes problem if a massive amount of people say it’s wrong. Listening to one person who could just be a spiteful troll say something’s wrong due to personal opinion is stupid and fallacious. You have to trust your instincts and take all criticisms into account.

Good feedback is detailed.

Look past what may feel like condescension. This sort of detail is impossible for someone who has not engaged fully with your work. The sign of a critic who does not care is brevity, not detail. It’s dismissal.

Now, all the other caveats about whether or not this feedback is right still apply. It can be detailed and not right. But never dismiss serious thought.

Incorrect: the person can be lying through their teeth or willfully not taking things into account of “missing” certain details and do so with detail. They can talk on and on and on about how much this sucks but if they are lying or not taking things into consideration or are motivated by selfish desires then the detail is irrelevant. Again, trust your instincts.

People who tell you you’re awesome are useless. No, dangerous.

I am not saying that you need to lack confidence in yourself. (Heck, you’ll never put anything out if that’s the case! You need to have the arrogance to assume anyone will care in the first place). I am saying that nobody is ever done learning, and people who tell you you have arrived will give you a sense of complacency. You should never be complacent about your art.

But that is exactly what will happen if you follow these guidelines: You will have no confidence in what you think and what your opinion is, only what the audiences want. And said to say but most vocal parts of the audiences are very small groups who are motivated by selfish and destructive desires so they will take advantage of your insecurities to abuse and beat you into their slave and make you write what they want, not what you want. And a creator’s first and foremost concern when making something for themselves or out of passion or love (which are usually the highest regarded works) should make it for themselves and then show that love to the world. The Nostalgia Critic says it the best: https://youtu.be/F0_W6gomFA8?t=12m41s

Someone asked for feedback will always find something wrong.

This is super simple. When someone is asked to critique something, they will feel like they have failed if they don’t find something wrong. So everyone will always find something, even if there’s nothing major to fix.

That doesn’t mean that the thing they mention is wrong. If the only feedback you get from multiple people is the same minor thing, you should feel pretty good!

This contradictory to the previous statements again which say that only negative criticism is good and that positive people are not.

Good work may not have an audience.

This is a sad truth. There is no correlation between quality and popularity. You may make something that is sophisticated, subtle, expressive, brilliant, and lose out to what is shallow and facile and brash. Oh well. And that really is the right attitude to have about it, too: oh well. Getting bitter about it is pointless.

That said, don’t underestimate the skill required in being simple, polished, and accessible. Dense and rich is easy. Simple is hard. You denigrate “pop” at your peril.

Except they won’t have that attitude due to all of the advice before hand which will leave them in a state of extremely low self esteem and will make them question their abilities as a creator: thus encouraging them to think they are no good and quit. This is why balance is such a necessity.

Any feedback that comes with suggestions for improvement is awesome.

That’s because it means the person offering the criticism actually thought about your goals. So either you get avenues to explore that assist you in your artistic goal, or you get told that your goal is invisible to an audience! Both are highly valuable information.

But what if that person isn’t making suggestion for the improvement to everyone: What if their suggestion is incredibly selfish and self centered and serves only to make it better to them and them alone? What then:? Should you take that advice even though it is obviously destructive?

If you agree with the criticism, say “thank you.��� If you disagree, say “fair enough,” and “thank you.”

Complaining about a critique, or about a bad review, is utterly pointless. You can’t deny the subjective experience of the reviewer. You also have to be thankful that they paid enough attention to actually say anything at all. The fact is that indifference is the enemy, not engagement, even if that engagement doesn’t get the results you want.

You’re going to face way more indifference in your career than anything else. There are a lot of people out there working really hard, and they all want the audience attention that you do.  Always be grateful for the attention. Someone takes the time to let you know what they thought? That’s already one in a thousand. They cared.

Exactky: Subjective. Meaning biased, opinionated and ultimately no use to you: you need to look for criticisms that are trying to be objective and factual. And that argument of “at least they paid attention” is crap: You can pay attention to something just to hate on it and just to know what lies to say and what facts you can twist.

Once indifference was the enemy: Now it is everyone. You can only trust attempts at being factual and honest and your own instincts.

You are not your work.

Above all, don’t forget this. Oh, be personally invested, of course. Your art will be poorer if you are not. But every little ship we launch is just our imperfect crafting of the moment. And we move on. We create again, and again. Each can only ever express a fragment, a tiny fraction of ourselves. And if you are trying to always improve in your craft and your art, then every old fragment, everything out there in the world already, that’s old news. You are on the next thing. Your next work, that’s who you are. Not the work that exists, but the work that does not yet.

So if someone savages it, who cares? That was yesterday. It’s not who you are now.

Hold on to that, because a lot of people can’t separate the work from the artist. Including a lot of artists.

This statement is contradictory: you are not your work but your work is a part of, therefore, who you are. I feel like this is an attempt to devalue an artist’s personal interest and investment in their work in order to detach them from it to make it more susceptible to control.

And that’s what this whole thing reads as: an attempt to make works susceptible to control from a vocal part of the audience by telling them that all negativity is good while simultaneously saying contradictory words in order to disguise this. If anyone followed this, they would have such a low opinion of themselves that they would listen to anyone who could get through to them first which, considering the power of screaming and mob mentality, would undoubtedly be an abusive group who just wants the media to portray exactly what they want for their own selfish wants. I have seen this in the past and I’ve seen it done today, by no other than the person who showed me this link. They wanted a certain show to go exactly the way they wanted which would alienate everyone except their small group by acting like a bunch of abusive lovers who try to emotionally abuse the creators into doing exactly what they want. This thought scares and pisses the hell out of me because the creator’s drive should be treated as the foremost concern, not the wants of the crowd. The creator does what they want with the show, all we can do is help guide them down the path they want, not choose that path for them. That is the road to successful works, not this abomination.

[itzryyo]

More

          I am currently on a bus heading into the city for a field trip and am trying to maintain my sanity while also attempting to distract myself from the fact that I didn’t go to the bathroom before we left and traffic is real.        

          Someone asked me the other day, “So, like, what is your obsession with Drake all about?” My first reaction was to answer their question with a question and ask “uhh…why aren’t you obsessed with Drake?” To be fair, they were justified in asking me because I have a propensity to be incredibly all-or-nothing when it comes to my affinity for certain things (i.e., Chick-Fil-A, the Mets, Titanic & The Dark Knight to name a few.) I’m not really sure where it comes from, MOM, but it’s been that way my whole life. While I don’t have a vast array of interests, the things I am interested in, I commit to whole-heartedly. However, when it comes to music, we are talking about an entirely different entity.

          While TV shows, films and books can influence, art can inspire, and sports can invigorate, I contend that nothing touches the soul the way music does. When I’m in a good mood, Bruno Mars or Justin Timberlake will enjoy that mood with me. If I’m feeling melancholy, it’s much easier to have Boyz II Men or Dru Hill help me out than it is to plop down on the couch, put on “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” and commit to watching the whole thing. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You know what it was like when you heard “Burn” by Usher for the first time and he, word for word, expressed exactly how you felt about your current, 3-week-old high school relationship. Yes, we all wanted to be Spider-Man the first time we saw it in theaters, but do you still feel that way if, for some God-forsaken reason, TBS is airing it on a random day off? Probably not. But what about if “Bye-Bye-Bye” comes on the radio randomly while you're driving in the car? I guarantee you are gracefully moving your right arm from right to left while opening and closing your hand just like Justin, J.C. and the rest of the boys did. Whether your music is on shuffle and that ONE song comes on or you have listened to “Someone Like You” for the 32nd time in a row, music infiltrates the soul and is an uncanny medication for the heart. 

           Okay, but there's a lot of really good music, Ry, why the fix on this particular artist? I'm glad you just asked [in my imagination.] The power of music lies in one's ability to relate to it. I'm honest enough to admit that I have a tendency to think my opinions are unerring. I'll quickly discredit an artist or band because I personally don't like it, but to completely discredit another's experience or admiration because of my subjectivity is irresponsible and ignorant. I will never understand an artist like Future. I was disappointed when Drake did an entire album with him. But I've talked with people who have explained that (when they can understand what he's saying) they really relate to his songs. More power to 'em. A lot of people don't like Drake. I've heard (and argued) many people who dislike him for a myriad of reasons ranging from being "soft" to "not struggling enough" to "sounding the same on every song.” I can't make anyone like the guy and that's not why I'm even writing this in the first place. Remember: Traffic. Middle-schoolers. Full bladder. Voila.

          Reverting back to a previous point, music invades and harps on human emotion. I grew up with a variety of musical tastes because I was raised by an all-white family while almost all my friends were minorities. My uncle introduced me to Pearl Jam, Nirvana, The Doors and The Beatles. My mom played “American Pie”, Goo-Goo Dolls, Alanis Morisette, Sheryl Crow and Matchbox 20 on our road trips to Ohio in the summer (she also can rap “Public Service Announcement” and “Rapper’s Delight” word for word.) My dad blasted The Fugees, Jagged Edge, Ginuwine and Joe, while my friends and teammates got me well-acquainted with Jay, Mobb Deep, Dipset and DMX. This plethora of music has made me appreciative of all musical genres. Thanks to Apple Music and Spotify, all these artists are accessible with the touch of a button.

          If I had to choose, R&B and Hip-Hop would be my first two choices on what to listen to for the rest of my life. D-Block on my way to basketball practice and Brian McKnight while I fell asleep. “Fortunate” by Maxwell when I had a crush and “What They Want” by DMX and Sisqo when they rejected me. This was the routine growing up.

          I was sitting in my bedroom as a 9th grader the first time I heard “Cry For You” by Jodeci. If I put it on right now, I would feel the exact same way that I did the first time I heard it. So when Drake made a song referencing one of the greatest R&B groups of all-time, let alone one of my favorite songs, the connection grew stronger.

          Finding an artist who tapped into both genres with equal prowess was a dream come true for me. Add to that dual threat an artist who is biracial, grew up a single child in a single-parent household, raised by a white mother, and now you’re starting to reflect my actual upbringing. The funny thing about growing up biracial is that there never really seems to be a middle ground. Within the black community, I never felt “black” enough, as though it was my own doing that I was raised by a white mother; as if somehow it was my responsibility to earn my blackness more than those darker than I was, and until that validation was given, I couldn’t fit in. Flipping to the other side, when your entire family is white and your tan doesn’t go away in the winter, you stick out. I couldn’t style my hair like my uncle Jim’s. My little cousins never got asked if they were adopted. I was an anomaly for actually knowing the words to “Iris” by Goo-Goo Dolls. Considering all that, when Drake says “I used to get teased for being black and now I’m here and I’m not black enough, ‘cause I’m not acting tough or making stories up ‘bout where I’m actually from,” it hits home and it hits home hard.

          I didn’t grow up with any male presence consistently in my life. I taught myself how to shave. My mother taught me how to play sports. Nobody taught me how to fight, or “be a man.” I learned the definition of strength by seeing the women in my life bounce back from heartbreak and hardships. I also learned how to be really in touch with my emotions. I am a feeler. I feel every emotion in every crevice of my heart. So when this same biracial artist, who was raised by a single, white mother, explodes onto the hip-hop scene but is making emotional music, I cannot help but look up to him. When every attack and knock against this same biracial artist is that he’s too “soft” and is “too emotional,” my confusion swells. “What do you mean ‘too emotional’?!” Ironically enough, the very same people who bludgeon Drake’s music due to its overt honesty and raw emotion are probably the ones who can relate to it more than anyone else.

          Yes, the trap music is entertaining, but I can guarantee you that most of the men slandering Aubrey’s name have made more drunk calls to their ex (thanks Marvin’s Room) in a few months than they’ve ever pushed drugs, been gang affiliated or actually held a gun. Does this mean that those artists that promote that at the forefront of their records don’t reach people? Absolutely not. Kendrick Lamar, Jay-Z, Big Pun and others grew up around gangs, drugs and violence and speaks on things I have never seen or experienced in such a way, but there are plenty of people who have, which is the beauty of this whole music thing.

          Back to Aubrey. In a world immersed in the superficial, is not authenticity a breath of fresh air? Hasn’t the complaint in the hip-hop community always been a lack of credibility from certain rappers and artists? So now, we have someone who owns their identity, not trying to be something that he isn’t, and he’s not welcome here. So when Drake (referencing his friendship with Lil��� Wayne) says, “Weezy been on the edge, you n*****s just need to chill, if anything happen to papi, might pop a n***** for real,” people balk at the claim. Why? Because he makes R&B music and that is apparently synonymous with weakness. I don’t like guns and I am not a promoter of violence, but I’m a believer in defending the people closest to you. This is also a reflection of the frailty of masculinity in the 21st century, but I can’t let my ADD take me there.

          “But Ry, he isn’t real hip-hop. He talks white!” What do you think my friends used to say to me all the time growing up? The. Same. Damn. Thing. So yes, I appreciate Drake “talking white” in interviews because that’s the voice he was born with. I can’t help the way my voice sounds and it’s ridiculous to think I’d have to change it to meet a social standard. In a culture that watches, critiques and pounces on every single thing people do, Drake has never once strayed away from embracing all of the cultures he was introduced to growing up. He didn’t make apologies for making songs like “Doing It Wrong” and putting them on the same album where he put “Lord Knows.”Also, “Shut It Down” and “Uptown” are distinguishable, but not mutually exclusive. They both came from the same artist and they both hit when you put them on.

          I spent an inordinate amount of time growing up trying to establish which race I wanted to affiliate myself with full time. This artist and this music shattered that notion. From breakups to ball games, homages to family and anthems for friends, there is no area of life where there isn’t a soundtrack to go with it. That is a very comforting feeling for someone who struggled with having to choose between which culture to embrace. The dichotomy of having to choose one or the other was onerous but having someone burst into the industry that showed me, through their music, that it’s okay to fully embrace both was liberating. Is every song a hit? Um, actually…okay, maybe not every song. Was Views a great album? Eh, not my favorite. But that’s the beauty of music. You get to go on that journey with an artist and watch them grow and explore and hopefully, their last album doesn’t sound anything like the first, because that’s what growth is (Hi, Kanye fans).

          It doesn’t really matter what he puts out these days because as a fan, I’m always expecting the best and as a person, I’ll always be grateful for the lessons I learned from the music. As a fan, I’ll always want more. More emotion, more vulnerability, more bars and More Life.

[books--andt]

Zenith (The Androma Saga) by Sasha Alsberg and Lindsay Cummings

Hey everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've last written to you guys. I haven't read a whole lot, only 3 books so far this year, but I'm ok with that. I read for pleasure, and for myself after all!

So Zenith... If you don't know what this book is about, here's a brief synopsis... It follows our main character, Androma or Andi as she's usually called by her team of marauders. Andi and her team get caught up in a quest to save the general's son, but along the way, past relationships resurface, and a war that they didn't want to get caught up in threatens to swallow them whole.

**This review may contain some very small details of the book, which could be viewed as spoilers if you haven't yet read it**

Now... to be honest I had very (and I mean very) low expectations going into this book. If you've been with me for a while, you'll know I read one of Lindsay's books called The Murder Complex and I haaaaaaated it. I am also not the biggest fan of Sci-fi, but I'll touch on that later. Furthermore, I wasn't sure how the writing and story telling, this being Sasha's first book, would turn out combined with the bad experience I had with Lindsay's previous book. However, I'm happy to say that my expectations were exceeded!!!! I enjoyed this book a lot more than I thought I would. I wanted to know what was going to happen, and I did not see the plot twist coming.

However I do have some problems with this book. Firstly, the characters. Androma is a cut and paste version of Celaena Sardothien. This makes me really sad because I love Celaena! To me, she's the perfect amount bad ass and sensitive. She's a well rounded character. She has flaws. Andi on the other hand, is a bit... How shall I put it... One dimensional? She has this whole "I'm a fierce af warrior, I'm the Bloody Baroness and I will kill and destroy you. I want to see you die!!!" but then on the other hand she has that fake sensitive side, where she mourns the losses of those she's killed and views herself a monster. This is just kind of confusing I guess.

And Dex... he was just too cliche for me. It seemed Sasha and Lindsay were trying too hard to make him that "handsome and strong, misunderstood-hiding-secrets-lover-boy" type of character. When he and Androma had their moment halfway through the book, when they basically mutually say that they've had their time but they can no longer share a life together, I was like whaaa? Andi has found out the truth that he was keeping from her, and they obviously have some sort of feelings for each other, yet they don't want to give it a second chance?

My least favourite character was actually Gilly. Sorry, but I don't think a 12 year old cutesy-on-the-outside, but hungry-for-death-and-murder on the inside, is realistic whatsoever. I don't read many books with younger siblings or characters in them, so when I do I'm very picky. I hate when they are represented as annoying. And to me, that's how Gilly was.

One of my favourite characters was actually the AI, Alfie. I found myself lolling when he and Memory were having their little flirty moments. I hope we see more of him in the sequel, although I am a bit confused as to why he was destroyed? Like, Valen has altered DNA? So his mind controlling ability, or whatever, isn't natural then? Or was the altered DNA the Zenith thing that Nor created? So Is Valen actually not evil, and is just being controlled by Nor???? Someone explain.

I liked reading from so many different POV's. It made the pacing of the book quite fast and you got to know these 6 (there were 6 POV's) characters better. I actually liked reading into Nor and Klaren, because you didn't fully know what was going on until the end of the book. So I thought that was well done. I didn't have a favourite POV to read from. They were all pretty neutral for me.

I thought that the writing was good. I couldn't tell when it was Sasha or Lindsay writing, which was actually something I was looking for all while reading. I feel like co-authoring brings about many new challenges; what if you don't like how the other author wrote or changed something but they love it? It's great that their words and ideas flowed.

I do think however that there were some repetitive writing styles, specifically these poetic descriptions. They weren't bad in my opinion. It's just nice to see some variety.

Overall I thought this book was really heavy on cliche YA tropes. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm trash for certain tropes, but they have to be done well. Does that makes sense?

I was reading some reviews of Zenith on GoodReads and my god!!! People were being so harsh!! I understand that this book isn't amazing, but sheesh people! I read one person say they think Sasha should finish College before writing another book. Like how rude???? To any young aspiring author out there- YOU do NOT have to put your writing on hold until after you finish your education. Writers write. That's how they practise. Of course, you will learn and get better with an education, but it's not like thats your golden ticket to start writing a book.

For the most part, other reviewers agreed that Androma tried too hard to be like Celaena, but other critiques were that she was boring and one dimensional. Some said the first half of this book seemed more edited than the second half, and after pondering this I can say that I agree. However there was a lot more action in the second half, so not as much room for the fluffy poetic descriptions.

Another critique was that the book itself didn't need to be as long as it was. I definitely think there were some parts that shouldn't have been included. There were like 50 pages left when Andi and her gang went to that Ucatoria ball and I just felt like it was an odd time to be having a ball, and introducing new characters, so late into the book, and nothing was even resolved! I guess, that created the climax, and the last few chapters of the book were super short and easy to fly through. One part that, in my opinion, should have definitely been edited out, was when Andi is reunited with her mother. Firstly, her father had previously said she was ill or something, so that was confusing. Secondly, it seems that it was just put in place to show how bad of a relationship her and Andi had together. That could have easily been done with some sort of flash-back chapter. In fact, the whole family dynamic seemed really strange to me. When Andi is first reunited with her father, she has these mixed emotions, about wanting to be strong in front of him, and also wanting to crumble and be held by him. When she meets with her mother, she is so infuriated that she threatens to skin both her mother and father alive, and hang their skin like a flag from her spaceship. I mean!!! What!!!!!

Something else I need to touch on is the fact that so many people were offended that Sasha was handed this opportunity "on a silver platter". Sasha makes youtube videos in the booktube community, so obviously, she has a following and can easily get her voice out there. I have to admit, when I heard they were # 1 New York Times Bestselling Authors, I rolled my eyes. If every one of Sasha's subscribers bought her book, then of course she'd become a bestselling author! But I'm not upset about this. Sasha loves books! Her youtube channel (Abookutopia) is dedicated to that. To me, I have so much more respect for someone who's written a book from the youtube world, if they actually genuinely enjoy reading and writing. I would much rather read a book from a youtuber who makes videos around bookish topics, rather than some beauty guru or daily vlogger. So there. Get over the fact that her following probably had a big hand in getting her and Lindsay that title.

Writing is a process. And it takes time to find your voice. I think this book read too much like a knock-off Throne of Glass book. I'm kind of confused with myself because in a way, I think that's why I liked it?? LOL. I'm not a sci-fi person, but this book didn't really read like a sci-fi book. It was totally more fantasy just set in space.

I think that's all I can say for now.

3.5-4/5 Stars.

If you are getting into Fantasy/Sci-fi (that isn't super heavy on the Sci-fi lol) then I'd really recommend you read this! If you have read tons of YA fantasy and are looking for something different, well, this may not be the book for you.

Thanks so much for reading! What are your thoughts on Zenith???

- T

[back-on-my-bullsh-again]

It took me a couple days to get through all of this. I don’t really have an eloquent way of saying how I feel about these articles.

The first one was super problematic. To the point where I almost stopped reading it. The writer of the article gives ammunition to trans-exclusionary people (radfems and the alt-right). It does not hold the interviewees (the detransitioners) accountable for their own actions and allows them to blame the trans community and medical and mental health professionals for their transitions. They tell a story and call everything even without discussing the problematic nature of these beliefs. 

The follow up article by Ijeoma Oluo and the further linked article by Sam Riedel do a great job of discussing the trans and detrans communities in a way that does not leave them susceptible to being claimed by anti-trans ideologies and held up as the only truth. I don’t really know how to express how I feel about these two articles. Ijeoma Oluo critiques the article in a way that doesn’t undermine or belittle the experiences of the detrans community.

Some people detransition. That’s just a fact. Reasons for detransition are as widely varied as reasons for transitioning. A person who detransitions can go as far back or stay as close to their previous trans identity as they feel comfortable. There is nothing wrong with it. The problem lies with the bigots who use these people as weapons against trans people or the detransitioners who have taken up anti-trans ideologies or speak over people who are still trans or want to pursue transition. 

It’s the people who detransition and don’t want to take ownership of their decision to transition in the first place. If a person transitions and later decides to detransition, it is not anyone else’s fault. No one forces someone else to transition. If a person is in a place where they feel pressure to transition, whether from friends, medical or mental health professionals, or even the trans community, it is their responsibility to recognize that and get themselves out. Trans people have worked very hard to open up the transition process. Trans people have fought against the gatekeeping that has prevented so many from transition. Now that we as a community have finally started (there’s still a long way to go, but we’re getting there) to get to a place where anyone who wants to transition can, we have some detransitioning people who want to claim that we should not have loosened the restrictions and anti-trans bigots who are there to back them up. 

It makes me upset and makes me uncomfortable and, if I’m being honest, it has clouded my views of detransitioning individuals. Transitioning, and even detransitioning, is a very personal decision. How far a person chooses to go or not to go in their transition or detransition is entirely up to that individual, and all are completely valid. We all need to stop fighting with each other. 

I know this article will spark some controversy, so I’ll just say: I’d like to think awareness and support for nonbinary identities are part of the solution. An infinite gender spectrum opens up possibilities for everyone to find the self they are most comfortable in. Thoughts?