#but it'll never change the fact that you've all been people who have shaped my life in a positive manner in one way or another

[queenofmalkier]

Moiraine being 70 vs 40

(Alright this one took me a minute because corralling my thoughts is a challenge in the best of times.)

To begin with I will admit... I am one of the people who was indifferent towards the age change in the beginning. They're Aes Sedai, they live nice, long lives, and I wasn't like, emotionally attached to a younger, canon-aged Moiraine. It does make her early years more poignant, but I'll touch on that later.

Primed for older Moiraine, the show started and after two seasons I can safely say I am so gung-ho for 70 year old Moiraine I might actually be feral.

Here's why I, personally, think it was an excellent choice: Rosamund Pike is 44 as of writing this, so she visibly fits into the book age. As an audience nobody is really questioning her age - a few show-onlys I watched season 1 with actually remarked on how refreshing it was to see an older female character allowed to just exist and be part of the narrative without trying to sex up and/or grandma-ize the role.

Little Did They Know.

So you've got an audience that's mostly accepting of this character being in her 40s, and then you hit them with "Oh she's 70 and lets explore just how horrific that fact actually is together, it'll be fun!"

It was not fun, it was gutting.

One of my main critiques of the book has always been how we have these long-lived women, powerful women... but we never really take much of a look at the reality of that concept. Nor are we given POV characters who are really old enough to remark on it. Pevara at least thinks about her family, but Cadsuane doesn't give two figs about hers.

And here's the thing... they're Aes Sedai, but they're still human. What happens to them as they get older, but the people who fill their life are the ones aging? How does it feel to watch a mother, a sister, a child, friends, acquaintances, EVERYONE succumb to time in a way you won't for a very long time after?

That has to be impactful and I wanted to see those stories - and the show delivered. Seeing Moiraine with Anvaere? Chilling, horrifying, heartbreaking. Liandrin and her boy? A kick in the teeth. Even Alanna with her family, knowing very well she's probably the oldest one sitting at that table.

The point is, being an Aes Sedai means being powerful and respected, but it also means living through a very specific kind of suffering and trauma. They're basically vampires in terms of lifespan and we should see how that shapes them.

In regards to Moiraine being older and therefore not basically a child during the foretelling, it does change that particular hit... but by no means did the show let the viewers not understand how that moment altered Moiraine's life forever.

Instead of her being sort of an unformed girl hardened and honed by a lifetime of searching for Rand, one who never got much chance to be anything else, we get a woman who was already beginning to build her life, who had achieved the shawl, found love, and was exactly where she wanted to be.

And then all of that is taken from her.

It's devastating to watch the double-barreled whammy of Siuan and Moiraine giggling about being fishwives and walking into what was in many ways their deaths. Because the Moiraine and Siuan they were before walking into that room were gone forever. They would never be able to go back to the women they were before. They never even had a chance to mourn that loss. Moiraine went hunting and Siuan set her sights on the Amyrlin Seat.

I do understand for a lot of people her age is a sticking point, and that is completely fair and valid! It's a change that I fully agree did not need to be made... but by making that change we're given such a stark insight into the lives of older Aes Sedai who are just beginning to experience what it means to outlive everyone they know, watching one by one as cherished friends and family members pass on.

Soon all they have left are the children and grandchildren of those people, fractured mirrors that are just enough of a hint at the original that it must be painful to know them - which explains even further why so many Aes Sedai cut off contact entirely with their families. It's too painful to keep them in their lives.

[uselesslyhopefulphilosopher]

I need help but nobody knows how including myself

"It'll get better eventually." "Well, just see how things turn out in the future." "You'll look back and call yourself silly for choosing to be so sad all the time." "Why can't you just be happy." "You have no reason to be scared or mad." "Stop being so ungrateful for the wonderful things in your life." "So many people would love to be in your position."

Don't worry, I hear you so loud and clear that your chastisement rings like tinnitus in my ears hours after you've said the words. You fool, you do not want to understand how hard I'm trying. Waking up to wonder what the argument of the day will be isn't fun. I bite my tongue to pieces trying to keep myself from spewing unkind words so you will not be able to belittle me further. I'm tired of trying to teach you why you should give half a bother about the marginalized when I am a bigger sinner than you in your own eyes. Will God forgive me if I give up? Dialogues play out in my mind's theater of all the things I'd like to say to you. If the words ever freed themselves from my mouth, even then, I know you wouldn't listen.

Please listen. Hear. Let me finish my sentence before you tell me how wrong I am. I'm attempting to help myself be less miserable by trying to help you. It's a DBT skill, you'll remember if you cared to listen while I was sharing what I'd learned. Were you ever listening? Reaching out for conversation is a task because I have to choose which topic will garner less criticism. You care little for the things I care about, and the causes you care about are detrimental to my friends. You call me a bleeding heart and ask me what I'm doing to change the state of things I complain about constantly. Have you considered that I am? Have you considered the fact that me forcing myself to be in your company is an act of defiance against my own wants? I don't care about how evil and disgusting you think me and my people are. But damn it, I want you to see that my having patience for your insults is not by my own strength but God's.

You ask me how to get God to "talk back" to you when His instructions are like *right there* did the Christ not say it himself - forgive your neighbor and ask for forgiveness from those you've harmed then bring your offering to God. If you don't like asking for forgiveness, well there's the leak in your sinking boat. I'm handing you a bucket and you're telling me that's not what God intended. HE ISN'T INTENDING FOR YOU TO DROWN EITHER. Please listen to me. My boat has leaks too - you love to point them out - hiding or lying about them is pointless but I'm doing my best to scoop out the water. You're print near capsizing and telling me you're floating fine, take the bucket for your own good if not for anyone else's. You tell me my faith is built on sand because I can't comprehend why a good God would banish me from his Grace - or where ever I was before I came to be - when satan takes everything you love will it be God you turn to for comfort? You've been gifted a pleasant life cushioned by wealth and material goods. Will God still be the one you praise for the sunrise when its glow casts over the ashes of everything you've built up for yourself? Consider that satan's already taken immeasurable comfort from me, the devi's stolen the unconditional love of my earthly father and you blindly say it's not a problem because you hold onto some insignificant political standing. Will my queerness still matter to you when maggots and flies and worms infest my body? Does the shape of my body matter so greatly that eternal damnation is what awaits me on account of who I love and show love to? Why is my elder sister kissing her boyfriend's 4-year-old on the lips normal and acceptable, when my kissing my best friend is an offense punishable by the flames of hell? In. YOUR. Eyes.

It's almost like it was never about love in the first place.

So please forgive me for the hurt I've caused. Forgive me for the times when I challenge you to think outside of yourself. Forgive me for not believing in things like you do. Forgive me for embodying God's mercy when I give people I shouldn't second chances. Forgive me for associating with sinners. Forgive me for not being the child you wanted. Forgive me for causing you such strife. Forgive me for every day I've woken up crying and wishing I had fallen asleep permanently. Forgive me for the times I turn to the bottle or a joint instead of to the idea of God *you* have in your mind. Forgive me for being in the pain you cause me.

I'm sorry I get mad when you talk shit about the homeless or those on welfare. I'm sorry I berated you when you said the N-word without an ounce of shame. I'm sorry I yell at you when you go out of your way to misgender suicidal people. I'm sorry I sneer at you when you insinuate my serially abused aunt is just an alcoholic whore. I'm sorry for giving a fuck about the people nobody else likes. I'm just trying to be like Jesus.

You want me to stop whining about how I want to kill myself all the time? You want me to stop being terrified of the awful future that your politicians have crafted for me? You want me to "just be happy?"

Ok.

Bye.

Not forever, of course, I know you'll be back. Especially when your mother, father, your wife, your other children are taken from you. Asking how I have faith when the world is garbage. Flowers still grow in landfills ya dingus. Death isn't the end, idiot. Take your eyes off the material and sense God in the people around you. Every person you rag on for being "too sinful and unrepentant" has a little bit of God in them. You keep forgetting that the powers of creation are God's alone. All of us, who you deem unworthy, are here for a reason - it is solely your fault you think you can conceptualize creation better than God has made, why do you think the first people caused generational sin to enter the world? Satan told them the same lie he's telling you and you don't even realise. Yet you still tell me I'm wrong. Satan is death, he is what separates us from the love of God. So whose side are you on for real? Hint: there's a reason why you will never ever meet my best friend. You would do the devil's work right to her face, call her a man, call her names. "ouch, I'm hurt you have such little faith in me." prove me wrong in private first, then I'll trust you.

I want to kill myself because I know that day may never come. I love you and I want God to soften your heart. I'm devastated that your worst fear may very well come to pass. I'm a failure of a Christian because I can't get you to see that treating people like shit isn't what Jesus wants, and I feel I deserve death as punishment for failing God so spectacularly.

You want me to have hope for the future? Don't ruin the image of Christ for the people who have yet to experience his all-encompassing love.

[ranknfoul-blog]

So you've been diagnosed with cancer. What's next?

So, my ENT doc knows I have le cancer. Honestly, I think I'm messing up my timeline. Sorry for the revisionist history here, you HAVE to understand I was going through a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I was barely able to swallow food like grits, or farina, or oatmeal, or smoothies (look up dysphasia if you feel so inclined. I did, because I kind of HAD to at the time). I knew barely ANYTHING about nutrition at the time. I was dealing with an unending nosebleed. Like seriously, the temporary solution from my ENT doc (and believe me, I am saying this with nothing but love because NEVER NASAL PACKS. NEVER EVER AGAIN) was: Get cotton balls. Roll them in your palms until they're in a (this is kind of ironic) cigar shape. Put 'em up there in your nostrils. Keep changing them, CONSTANTLY. Oh also, might want to sleep in a pretty much sitting position so you don't choke to death on your own blood.

Just so you know, and I've already said this, there will be many sarcastic and smartass moments from me about this journey. I will, YET AGAIN, stress that I am not at all, not at ALL trying to diminish anyone else's struggle. I will also constantly acknowledge that, so get used to it if you're in this for the long haul. But I had some really scary moments. One of them was at this particular time.

So as my unending nosebleed continues, I had to sleep sitting straight up in bed. I had a pillow under my right arm so that I could have my right hand to my forehead to try to keep my head upright. I had a thick towel, doubled and doubled again, under my chin. I had the 'nose tampons' in place. I slept so, so badly because I was sure I was going to choke to death on my own blood. Obviously, I did not. But I went through a lot of cotton balls, a fair number of towels, I couldn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time (probably because of the terror)...This whole era, before the chemo started, was a complete mess of bad sleep and terror for me.

(I will say the 'cigar cotton balls' were gone through at a copious rate. I will also go as far as to say that that is as far as I will describe what went on during that period),

My ENT doc

(I keep wanting to call him my ENT 'guy', like, 'I got a guy.' He deserves more than that, but he's kind of my guy, so I've settled on 'doc' vs. 'doctor.' Apologies if that offends, but apologies is as far as it goes, I'm not changing anything)

Another thing I want to say, just in case any 'Outside of the US' people happen to read this blog: This is going to be another spoiler alert, but the fact is, with some adjustments, some minor time off, I worked the entire time. Before anyone gets all up in arms about 'US Healthcare sucks!/ US treatment of employees who need healthcare sucks!/ etc,' let me clearly and unequivocally state 2 points, here and now: 1) I probably could have applied for disability and gotten it. But if I sat around every day doing nothing but treatment-related stuff, I would have lost my entire, COMPLETE, (channeling Sir Samuel L Jackson here) GOT-DAMNED mind. Seriously, I do love what I do. But I also love being able to DO things. This is why I will probably never retire. It's not a Boomer thing (Gen X btw), it's a kind of 'I love doing this and don't want it to end' thing.

You see, (I don't care, I'll repeat myself) I actually love what I do. Yeah, there are parts I am not a fan of, but I love what I do. Not being able to do that, for a span of weeks/ months? Nah, there is no reason to put other people at risk, just let my brain do what it loves to do.

What do I do, you may wonder? Well, I will have to craft a cagey response to that, for a couple of reasons: I definitely do not want to get fired (because honestly, I love what I do), and, well, I definitely do not want to get fired (because super honestly, I love what I do and disability would basically be the end of my sanity). I'll talk more about what I do in my next post. It'll be a nice interlude to talking about the multiple things trying to murder me.

But the second point! 2) Don't make fun of me for this. I was scared. I have a couple of close friends, but I only have a couple of close friends. The people I work with aren't ENEMIES or anything. Not at all. And maybe my philosophy isn't unique. But without knowing how this whole thing was going to go, I wanted as many people as possible around me, for as long as possible. Did I want them at my funeral? I don't even know how to answer to that. I'd be dead! How would I know who showed up and who didn't? I just wanted some basic human connection while I fought. I challenge anyone reading this to say they'd feel otherwise. The funny thing is, this blew up beyond anything I'd planned.

You see, I told my manager what was going on. My personal expectation was, we'd keep it 'in house.' Well, the next thing I know, I'm getting all kinds of messages from other (higher level even than him) people from other teams with messages of commiseration, 'thoughts and prayers' nonsense (more on this later), etc.

So, great, cat's out of the bag. I can see a strong argument for sharing that info, but the argument is going to make me look like an arrogant prick.

You see, giving everyone a heads-up that I might die would mean that unless I gave a lot of SUPER HIGH INTENSITY training, that would actually be absorbed, the quality of work passed on to other teams would tank. Fair play to letting everyone know that that was possibly going to happen. Hey, I said it would make me look like an arrogant prick. Along that train of thought, keeping it quiet for as long as possible would mean that I wouldn't be forced into disability (no one ever tried to force me, but how the hell was I going to know that going into this huge horrifying scenario? I was counting myself lucky for not being fired on the spot!), and I wouldn't have to deal with 'thoughts and prayers' (again, more on this later, and please power through that post. It's not charitable to me, but it gets better I swear).

On the other hand, again, this was pretty super personal on a not-worrying-about-employment level. It was hard enough sharing this with my team, this was deeply personal. And now, my boss just went and broadcast it, and I'm getting all these messages and Teams calls?

Dude (and dude, if you're reading this, seriously, dude...) probably not the time to throw this at me. Or at least, not without warning.

Lesson learned, set the boundaries when an announcment like this is made.

Now for the interludes.

[queen-of-songs]

The Accidental Crush of Sansa Stark and the recurring annoyance that followed- Chapter 2 pt.1

"Sansa? If you could date any boy counselors here, who would you date?" Shireen, an adorable little camper asked as she walked all of them to canoeing. Sansa paused. Was her developing attraction that obvious? One of the golden staff rules was that there were to be no summer romances or if there was one, to be discreet to the point leadership didn't have any suspicions.

"She'd date Harry of course! Have you seen the way he looks at her?!" Beth giggled. "They would be like Ariel and...Philip!"

"Philip is Aurora's prince, Beth. Ariel's prince is Eric remember?" Alys shook her head at Beth. "I think Sansa would be happiest with Sam!"

"Sam likes Gilly, he blushes every time he's around her," Osha spoke up and the girls around her nodded in agreement.

"Sansa should go out with Dickon, he's so handsome!" Minisa sighed dreamily while Lyanna rolled her eyes.

"Can't you all see Sansa likes...." Lyanna began before Sansa interrupted her. "Girls, I appreciate you all comparing me to a Disney princess and wishing for my happiness. But I assure you, I don't feel that way toward anyone here."

Most of the girls seemed convinced by her little white lie and forgot about their question within seconds. All except for Lyanna. Lyanna stood behind while the other girls went down to the canoeing river. She tilted her head at Sansa in curiosity and Sansa took a deep breath.

"What is it Lyanna?"

"I saw you look at Jon at the pool yesterday."

"Lyanna, I had sunglasses on. I was looking at everyone in the pool." Sansa scoffed, hoping the defiant little camper would drop it. But Lyanna raised her chin with a sly smile on her face.

"Maybe that's true. But I saw you look at him a couple of times today at breakfast and you didn't have sunglasses then. You get a big smile on your face when he's around like the Disney princesses do."

Perhaps I should tone it down a bit.

Sansa took a moment to collect herself and sighed. "Lyanna, Jon is my coworker and friend. I smile when I see all my coworkers..."

"It's different with Jon. That's the way my mom looked at my dad before he died." Lyanna sadly smiled and quickly ran off to join her fellow campers, while Sansa stood in silence.

——————————-

"Girls, can I ask you something?" Sansa asked as she turned up the volume to skype her friends during break time. Margaery was in the process of making an anniversary gift for Theon, Dany was painting her nails so they could be ready for her date night with Daario, Missandei was painting a portrait for Grey, and Brienne was ordering a knife for Jaime's birthday.

"Sure, Sansa!" They all sang in unison.

"Am I being too obvious if one of my campers can tell who I am attracted to?" Sansa spoke quickly, hoping they missed it. But judging by how they were all looking at each other as if they were in the Brady Bunch credits, they did.

"OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Missandei shouted.

"I bet it's Harry! Margaery surmised.

"I think it's Dickon. Did you see the pics Sansa posted that tagged him in? They'd be absolutely perfect together!" Dany sighed happily.

"Well, are you going to tell us who it is?" Brienne rose an eyebrow.

"It's the guy I told you all about that pissed me off a few weeks ago. We've patched things up and he's really...cool." Sansa blushed and saw their collective smiles.

"You never told us Mr. Broody's name, what is it?" Margaery inquired.

"His name is Jon, Jon Snow," Sansa responded, and immediately Dany spat out her drink. "Jon Snow?! You like him?!"

"Yeah. Do you know him Dany?" Sansa asked, confused out of her mind.

"He's my nephew," Dany responded and Margaery's eyes widened. "Dany, how on earth do you have a nephew the same age as you?"

"Remember my older brother Rhaegar? Jon is his whoops kid after he had an affair while Elia was in a coma." Dany shrugged.

"Oh yeah! But you've never mentioned him before, why is that?" Missandei asked in curiosity.

"I didn't know he existed until he came to live with Rhaegar and Elia four years ago. He's hasn't been around much because he was either going to school or working at camp." Dany answered and Brienne leaned forward. "Dany, what were you going to add about Jon earlier when Sansa mentioned that she liked him?"

"He's a great guy...but Sansa, he has a girlfriend. Her name is Lysa Tully. He's been dating her for years. I am truly sorry, Sansa." Dany's face was full of sadness.

"Dany, don't be sorry! I'm glad you told me before I made a fool of myself. Now I can be more cognizant of my actions." Sansa put her hands in a heart shape and Dany laughed as she responded with heart hands back.

"But damn, I wish it were different. It would be so cool to have you as my sis...niece in law. Seven hells, that's so weird...."Dany began before all the girls cackled in unison.

Before long, Margaery narrowed her eyes. That typically meant she was vying for information. "Dany, give us the deets on Lysa."

"My brother and Elia think she's a character," Dany grimaced.

"That sounds like how my grandmother would describe Mr. Baelish and Mr.Varys," Margaery hummed.

"Rhaenys tolerates her and Aegon can't stand to be in the same room as her. My experience made me want to slap her, honestly."

"What happened?" Brienne inquired and Dany sighed. "She made Daario feel uncomfortable because he's not from "here," whatever "here" is supposed to mean."

"Oh. She's one of those types of people... ew does that mean Jon is as well???" Missandei rose an eyebrow.

"No, not by a long shot. Jon is super passionate about social issues and has always been involved in some way or another. He and Lysa got into an argument after she made Daario feel uncomfortable. She ended up apologizing, though I didn't think it was truly genuine. I think it was only to show Jon that she was "improving." Dany shrugged, while Brienne, Margaery, and Missandei collectively sighed. Sansa bit the inside of her cheek.

Of course, he has a girlfriend. He's good looking and has a kind soul. Who was I kidding? Well, maybe I can try to be his friend at least. Yes. That's what I'll do and my feelings will go away. They have before and they will now.

After making her decision, Sansa spoke up.

"Well ladies, enough about me and my sad crush life. Tell me about all your individual plans with your guys!!!!!!"

———————————-

"Sansa, you should go! I'm sure it'll be loads of fun!" Her co-counselor Mya exclaimed.

The leadership team decided last minute to have counselor late-night swim and Sansa internally debated if she really wanted to go.

If I am trying to friendzone my crush, shouldn't I try to limit the times I see him wet and shirtless?

"I'm really tired, Mya. I just want to take a hot shower, it's been a really long day."

It wasn't necessarily a bad excuse. It had been a long day. It hadn't even been five minutes after Sansa ended her skype call with her friends when she heard Dickon radio for her help. Two of the girls got into a fight during canoeing and poor Beth cried the entire time after she fell backward in the river. The next skill area didn't fare well either after Minisa got bit by a brown recluse and had to go to the hospital. Then later in the day, the porch swing broke off at the merchandise store and Lyanna sprained her ankle. Sansa had gotten well acquainted with nurse Thoros. Because she worked so well with the little ones, she typically made calls throughout the week but never this many in one week.

"That's true but Sansa, you've been such a trooper today. You deserve a break." Mya reasoned.

"You were there too, Mya. I wouldn't have survived today without you, honestly. In fact, why don't you go tonight and I'll go tomorrow?" Sansa responded.

"Are you sure, Sansa?"

"Absolutely."

"Aww thanks, Sansa." Mya smiled and hugged Sansa tight for a few seconds before going to her room in the cabin to get a bathing suit.

"Oh by the way Mya, I'd wear the blue one. Harry blushes a little when you wear it." Sansa looked at her nails while Mya's mouth slightly dropped.

"How did you know?! I thought I was hiding it well."

"You are! I'm the only one who can really tell because I'm a big sucker for enemies to lovers so I can tell by the little things."

"...Harry blushed a little when I wore it last?"

"Yeah and I'm pretty sure he was going to say something before one of his campers jumped in the pool with his stuffed kittens." Sansa and Mya began chuckling as they remembered the sweet little boy who wanted to prove cats weren't afraid of water.

"Well thank you for the heads up, Sansa." Mya began to leave before leaning back in the doorway. "Should I wear my braids up or down?"

"Do whatever makes you feel confident."

"I'm going to wear them down. Harry Hardyng, here I come." Mya sang as she left the cabin into the hall to go change.

"Sansa?" a soft whisper woke her up and she could see Mya's outline by the bed. Sansa rose up on her elbow and she could tell Mya wanted to talk out in the hall. She followed her out quietly and then sat against the wall.

"Mya, how was it?" Sansa rose an eyebrow and a deep blush appeared on Mya's brown skin.

"It was wonderful. We... we kissed under the water. It was magical." Mya sighed happily and Sansa's heart leaped with joy.

"Did anyone see you two?"

"Surprisingly and thankfully, no. Everyone was distracted by Sam and Gilly. He finally asked her out!"

"Sounds like a good night for everyone it seems." Sansa smiled and closed her eyes for just a moment before Mya spoke up.

"Do you like anyone Sansa?" Sansa opened her eyes to see Mya have an eyebrow raised.

"Erm... not really." Sansa lied and Mya scoffed as she began redoing her braids.

"Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure I saw you staring at your former pool duty partner a bit the other day. Is that why you switched?"

"For one, for some reason, I thought Jon was going tonight before I remembered he and Harry are co's this week. Two, it doesn't matter how I feel."

"Why doesn't it matter, Sansa?"

"Because he has a girlfriend." Sansa's voice cracked a little and Mya's face filled with sorrow.

"I'm sorry I brought it up, Sansa."

"It's okay."

"What's your game plan?"

"My game plan? I want to become his friend and try to friendzone him."

"Friendzone your crush, hmm. I've never heard of that before. How are you going to do it?"

"Ask him about his girlfriend, what he likes, try to steer from anything super personal, keep a healthy distance, and....I'll talk about guys I find attractive."

"Besides Jon, who else would you want to go on a date with at camp?"

"Not really." Sansa shrugged.

"Any guys back home?"

"Um sort of I guess? If you count teammates/friends Robb brings home during breaks. His is name is Pyp. He's really cool and kind." Sansa smiled.

"Ooh tell me more!" Mya rested her face on her hands as the girls did during storytime before bed.

"He's majoring in Civil Engineering. He plays left wing on the hockey team at White Harbor, he's pretty good. I wouldn't be surprised if he was drafted in the WHL. He's pretty funny and a movie buff."

"Why didn't you go on a date with him then?"

"I was scared after everything that went down with Waymar, that I was a little hesitant to date."

"What did happen with Waymar?" Mya questioned.

"I made a fool out myself for him. I wore different clothes, dyed my hair black, and I even started going by my middle name to seem "cooler" to him. I..." Sansa shuddered. "I gave him special favors in the hopes, he just so he'd finally see me. One day, he texted me to meet up with him at his house and I went over thinking that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I got there and the door was wide open. I thought it was a bit strange and I went in, worried if Waymar was okay when I heard noises coming from his bedroom. I opened the door and caught him having sex with my former best friend Myranda. I closed the door and ran down the stairs. Waymar and Myranda came down right before I left. Waymar forgot he texted me and tried to apologize while Myranda just smirked at me. I asked her 'How could you?' and she said 'You're the biggest fool to ever think you had a shot with Waymar and I only became friends with you to get to him along with your money. Who would anyone ever want to date someone like you? You're a stupid and ugly little girl. Oh, you're crying now. How sad? No one's ever had the guts to tell you that? You're sasquatch with no curves or boobs."

Sansa looked down at the crown, while hot tears streamed down her face. Mya gathered her in her arms as Sansa sobbed.

"You know what Myranda said about you isn't true right? You're beautiful on the inside and out. Hell, I wish I was as tall and skinny as you." Mya whispered while Sansa shook her head.

"Mya, you're beautiful."

"So are you! Being tall sounds great, I don't like always having to crane my neck to look at Harry when we're bantering. The pool is probably one of the few kisses where he won't have to practically bend down to kiss me. Don't get me started on being curvy and having to find jeans that don't feel like they're not suffocating my thighs and butt while having a huge awkward gap in the back." Mya ranted. "Don't be hard on yourself, Sansa. You're amazing, you need to believe that. The girls love you, I love you, your other friends and family love you, and everyone at camp does. You need to love yourself."

"Thank you, Mya. You're right, I do need to work on loving myself." Sansa smiled.

"That's the spirit!" Mya high fived her and then they heard the door open from Mya's room to see Beth's face full of tears.

"What's wrong Beth? Did you have a nightmare?" Mya asked, her voice full of concern.

"No, I..." Beth's lip wobbled. "Miss Mya, I woke up and I realized I don't have any more underwear for the rest of the week."

"How many did you bring Beth?" Sansa asked as Beth sat down in between her and Mya.

"My brother packed me six."

Only six for Sunday through Friday? I'd pack at least twelve or fourteen... Wait! It's only Tuesday?!

"But it's only Tuesday Beth, how did you go through six?" Mya's eyes widened.

"I... I peed myself a bit on Sunday when I was waiting for the bathroom after I took my shower, so I had to change. Monday, I got my unicorn undies wet from the shower after I dropped them. I asked Lyanna to get some out of my bag. Today, after I fell in the water I got scared I was going to get leeches so I changed into my last pair. I just keep getting bad luck!" Beth started to tear up and an idea popped up in Sansa's mind.

"Beth, are all your dirty clothes in a bag?" Sansa asked.

Beth nodded and Sansa sighed in relief.

"Okay, I'm going to wash all of your dirty clothes in the washer and you'll have your five pairs clean again."

"Won't people judge me for re-wearing the same undies again?"

"No, it's none of their business and besides sometimes I wear the same undies when I don't take a shower for a day if I didn't sweat." Sansa shrugged.

"Same." Mya agreed and Beth looked at the both of them in amazement.

"Thank you so much, Miss Sansa and Miss Mya!" Beth hugged them both and went back into Mya's room.

"What. A. Night," Mya exclaimed and Sansa couldn't help but agree.

"Drinking coffee right before lunch?" Jon asked as Sansa filled her coffee mug.

"Yep. I'm exhausted, I had to wash one of my girls' clothes because she didn't pack enough underwear. She was upset and it broke my heart. Yesterday just wasn't her day."

"Beth right? She's a sweetheart." Jon smiled before he took a sip of his tea.

"She definitely is." Sansa nodded in agreement.

"Is she your favorite this week?"

"We as counselors aren't supposed to have favorites." Sansa attempted to be stern as Jon rose an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes. Sansa began laughing so hard that her nose snorted and coffee spilled down her nose.

She grabbed a napkin and dabbed at her nose, refusing to make eye contact with him.

Seven hells, why must I embarrass myself in front of hot guys??? Why can't my laugh be sweet and adorable???

"I like your laugh, it's cute. You should do it more often." Jon's deep voice broke into her reverie and she lifted her eyes to see a small grin on his face.

"You should make more dramatic faces and jokes then," Sansa smiled back and Jon laughed a little.

"Noted." Jon nodded and then his eyebrows knitted together. "I just realized you didn't go to last night's late-night."

"Nope, besides doing Beth's laundry, I took a hot shower and talked to Mya out in the hall for a bit."

"Oh, Mya? Harry had heart eyes when he came back to the cabin last night. About damn time something happened."

"Mr. Jon? Did you just curse on campgrounds?" Sansa dramatically exclaimed and Jon chuckled as he shook his head.

"I sure did, Miss Sansa. Am I going to lose points now?"

[ma-gic-gay]

For some reason, Michael had been a lot more controlled lately.

He was hiding what he felt, never really showing emotion unless it was anxiety about Brook Lynn or happiness around Willow. Sometimes, of course, he'd show emotion but not normally.

The gym was the only place he really let out all his anger, as always, but lately he'd been punching the bag harder, working out more intensely. Maybe it was because he was trying to get into shape, but Michael was already in great shape. So maybe it had something to do with the fact him and Willow were getting an annulment and he hadn't done anything to try and stop it from happening. For God's sakes, he'd suggested it, thinking Willow needed to hear she had an option.

Dante was right. He is an idiot. Suggesting that him and his wife - the woman he's in love with - get an annulment may have been the stupidest thing he's ever done, and he killed someone, kept a kid away from his dad, and did a lot of other morally questionable things in his life.

Willow knew all of this and still spoke his praises. She still told him he was a good person, that he's different than he was when he kept his little sister from his dad, or killed Claudia. She thought he was amazing for changing his life around, told him she was a different person back then too. People evolve and grow, she said, and so whatever you've done in the past, it doesn't reflect on who you are now.

They met, and then he fell. It was slow, him falling for Willow. At first, it was just a friendly face at their support group. Eventually, though, it became more than just friendship. It became a marriage, a marriage built upon love for their son and keeping him safe, a marriage built upon truth and honesty in the face of dishonesty and lies that Sasha and Chase had told them. When they got married, that was their promise. No lies, never. Lies complicate everything too much, make it easier to fall into what Chase and Sasha did.

She was way, way out of his league and he knew it too. Willow was a genuinely good person, who had always been honest and kind. Not to mention, drop dead gorgeous. So that probably had something to do with the fact Michael was skirting around the one rule of their marriage and not telling her he loved her. But she hadn't asked, so technically he wasn't lying to her, just holding back the truth.

Thinking about he suggested the annulment, Michael punches the punching bag harder. All of his anger starts to leave as he punches harder and harder.

And then Chase and Sasha walk in the gym for their workouts, talking about something. The punches hit an abrupt stop when he notices them, but the anger that just left comes back tenfold. Sasha smiles at him, but there's something off about her in general. It's probably just the breakup.

"I just realized, I forgot my phone at the Metro Court. I'm gonna go back there," Sasha says, backing away.

When she leaves, Chase is still there. "It's been a while," he breaks the silence.

"Yeah, it has been," Michael agrees, frowning at him.

"If you want, I can come back later, or we can work out together," Chase offers.

Michael ponders the offer for a minute. He either gets a workout partner or ends up keeping someone from the gym. "Yeah, sure, we can workout together."

A few minutes into their workout, Chase brings up Willow. Before that, the conversation had been all about sports and stuff like that, easy conversation. "For whatever it's worth, Michael, Sasha and I never meant to hurt you or Willow."

"Well, you did. Regardless of intent, you both cheated on people you supposedly loved," Michael says, punching the mitts harder.

"I do love her, Michael, you've got to believe me on that," Chase tells him. "That's why Sasha and I didn't want to tell either of you, we didn't want to break your hearts."

"You don't love her if you can break her heart, Chase! If you could cheat on her, if you could want another woman, you don't love or deserve Willow. She loved you with every fiber of her being, and you broke that. You broke something precious," Michael says to him, feeling a sense of relief as the words leave his mouth. "And I know that will never happen again."

Chase looks confused. "Michael, I love her so much. It kills me to see that she's not with me, to know that I broke her heart and that she's moving on with you, who I considered to be my best friend."

Huh? They've only kissed once, and Michael doesn't think Chase knows about that. "What happens with Willow and I hasn't been your business for a long time and it still isn't, but I want you to elaborate."

"You- maybe it's her that's in love with you, I don't know, but I can tell one of you is in love with each other, at least," Chase says as his phone rings. He steps away to answer it.

It's possible Willow's in love with him too? Michael had been in his head so much, maybe he didn't see what was right in front of him.

"Look, I hate to put a stop to our workout, but I've got a work thing. I'll see you later maybe," Chase leaves the gym.

Jason walks in, confused by what's going on with his nephew. "Why do you have that look on your face, Michael? What happened? Is Willow alright, Wiley? Your mom?"

"Jason, everyone's fine. It's just something Chase said about Willow and I, that's all," Michael reassures him.

"You only get that look on your face when you noticed something great or terrible happened, so what great thing happened to you?" Jason asks.

Michael smiles, "Chase said that apparently Willow's in love with me."

Confused further, Jason asks, "Are him and Willow close enough where they talk about who they're in love with now? Because the last I knew, Chase was in love with Willow and she was in love with him and you two were getting an annulment and you were in love with Sasha."

"I can't believe I forgot to tell you! Sasha, she was great, but I'm not in love with her anymore. The longer I spend thinking about Sasha and I, we weren't going to last long term. As much as I loved her, and I did, I don't feel that anymore."

Smiling at his nephew, the assassin asks, "But you and Willow?"

"We're married. I'm married to a woman who is incredibly out of my league and adopting my son. I-I love my wife, Jason. I love Willow," Michael smiles.

Jason pulls him in for a hug, saying, "I think you two make a lovely pair, especially if she makes you this happy. You're smiling wider than you have since you won custody of Wiley. Do you want my advice?"

"I'd be dead if I didn't take your advice," Michael truthfully tells his uncle. "So yes, I'll take it."

"Tell her how you feel before the annulment, Michael, please. You do this thing, I do it too, where you wait to say what you feel or you don't say it because you're afraid of what you could do if you actually said what you feel. Let down your guard and tell Willow the entire truth, nothing left unsaid between you two," Jason advises his nephew.

"When do you think I should tell her? Should I set something up like a date thing or-" Michael starts, anxiety creeping up into his voice.

"I think you need to breathe deeply for a few minutes and be calm," Jason emphasizes his breathing, "but I also think you should just tell her. Don't stress out so much or overthink it, because overthinking messes things up. If you tell her, honestly, how you feel, let her respond, you'll be okay."

"And if she doesn't love me back?" Michael asks anxiously, starting to stutter.

"I doubt she doesn't love you, Michael," Jason tries to assure him, "but if she doesn't, we'll cross that bridge when we reach it, and you're getting an annulment anyways."

Michael breathes, letting his anxiety leave. "Alright. I'm gonna go get cleaned up, I'll tell her when I get home."

"I'll leave you to it," Jason says, leaving the gym as Michael showers.

Arriving at the Quartermaine mansion, Michael can tell something's up. Opening the door, he sees Chase. In his home. Talking to Willow, who Michael can tell isn't in the mood but is also intrigued.

Chase leans in to kiss her, their lips connecting briefly as the door closes behind Michael and he doesn't, turning his head abruptly. "Hi again," Chase says awkwardly.

Calming himself, Michael asks, "Why are you in my home kissing my wife?"

Willow walks over to her husband, glancing at Chase fleetingly. "I can explain," Chase stands, eyes following Willow.

"Then please explain what inspired you to come into my house, which is very out of your way, and kiss my wife. I'm sure it'll be enlightening," Michael responds.

"I was just talking to her and realized that she loves me as much as I love her so I kissed her," Chase smiles, getting a pair of glares in return from the married couple, who don't seem to agree with what he said, especially Willow.

Michael looks at Willow, who looks visibly upset and anxious, as he says, "You tell me an hour ago you think she loves me, then you come to my house and kiss my wife, who you cheated on, by the way, and somehow think you're justified? Chase, you're playing mind games is all you're doing."

"When I said she loves you, I was wrong. I know, in my heart, that Willow and I will be together," Chase smiles again. "So I kissed her."

Anger takes over Michael as he fights for controlling it, suppressing it until he can get to the gym but he can't hold back anymore as he shouts, "Do you think, truly, that if she loved you she wouldn't tell you? You broke her heart, and yet you're justified in kissing her because you can rationalize anything, can't you, Detective?"

Willow looks at Michael, confused, as she's never seen him like this before. However, his rant continues. "When we found out you two had cheated on us, I told you that I wasn't going to let someone treat her like that ever again, and I'm still not. Everything I said to you that day was completely true, so leave my house before I do something you'll regret."

"What did I do here to make you so angry?" Chase asks calmly as Dante walks downstairs.

"You think this is just you kissing her, Chase? You broke everyone's heart, even your own, and now you're trying to escape taking any responsibility whatsoever for your actions by kissing my wife, because you can't move on!"

Dante tries to intervene, standing between the two as Michael still yells, "I can't believe you act like this now but an hour ago you were convinced that she loved me. Chase, I love Willow, and I'm her husband, so it's my job to make you realize that you need to get out of my house before I do something we'll both regret!"

Willow looks at Michael, pulling him out of his anger and into a soft face he makes around her. "You love me?" She asks, a small smile playing on her lips.

"This isn't how I intended to tell you, but yes, I love you, Willow. I had a speech to go with that too, but life doesn't always work out how it's planned," Michael says, smiling at her. "But if you don't feel that way back, then of course we'll just forge-"

She cuts off his anxious ramblings by kissing him, the pair melting into the kiss that felt perfectly right. When they pull apart, she smiles widely at him. "I love you back," as they kiss again.

"What the hell, Michael?" Chase asks, ruining the sweet moment for the two. "You're supposed to be my best friend."

"And you were supposed to leave my house," Michael's voice is at an icy level, one that could explode at any second if tempted to. "So leave before I have a guard throw you out."

Dante smiles at his little brother as he addresses Chase, "Leave dude. It's clear you're not getting her back."

"I can't believe this. Willow, you know that he's just your rebound. You don't love him, you're going to come back to me," Chase says.

Michael, unable to deal with this anymore, serves a strong right hook to Chase's head area. Jason taught him how to punch and how to take a punch when he was in high school, Michael's pretty good at it by now. "That was on purpose and assaulting a police officer!" Chase shouts at him. "You're under arrest for assaulting a police officer. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided for you."

"Chase, stop! Don't arrest him because you're mad at me," Willow pleads, looking upset. "Please."

Looking at Willow, Chase takes Michael and handcuffs him. "No."

The ride to the police station is absolutely silent, Michael angry and happy at the same time about Willow loving him back but him being arrested for punching Chase.

When he's being processed, Michael's allowed to make his two phone calls they allow and calls Willow. "Michael? Are you okay, did Chase hurt you? Have they detained you yet, or processed you fully?" She anxiously asks, sounding just like any wife would when her husband gets arrested. Michael can't help but chuckle quietly. "Why are you laughing?"

"Willow, I'm fine. I need to be bailed out, but I'm absolutely fine. No one hurt me and I'm being processed again but I'm not injured except for my ego. You sound so much like my mom everytime my dad or Jason gets arrested right now, it's funny."

"It's stressful having your husband in jail for punching a cop!" Willow laughs back. "How much is bail?"

"Bail is $1,000. I wanted to let you know I'm okay, but I'm gonna call Jason for bail money. He's been through this before and won't be as much of a stressed out mess as you," Michael tells her, smiling.

"I can handle bailing you out, but you're right, I'd be too stressed. I'll meet you at the station, though, and hopefully you'll be out as I'm there," Willow chuckles with her husband. "Alright, well I'm not gonna keep you any longer. Go call Jason."

"I love you," Michael smiles as a way to end the call.

"I love you too," Willow says as she hangs up the phone and he swears, he can hear her smile through the phone as he dials Jason.

"Jason Morgan," he answers the call.

"It's Michael. I'm at the station and need $1,000 for bail money because I punched Chase. Can you bail me out and not tell my mother?" Michael asks.

"Why the hell did you punch Chase?" Jason asks him.

"He kissed Willow and started saying she was in love with him, even after she said she's in love with me and we kissed again, twice," Michael smiles again, thinking about the kisses.

Jason sighs. "I'll be there in twenty minutes. Should I be expecting to see your wife there, pacing?"

"Probably not. She's going to be here, but I don't think she'll be here for a few minutes after I get bailed out. Are you telling my mother about this?" Michael asks again.

"I'm not dealing with Carly finding out you got arrested. You can."

"Thanks, Jason. I'll see you soon."

The twenty minutes pass and Chase continues booking him in, taking pleasure in it. It's sad how what was once a beautiful friendship is now so pathetic that he's booking him into a jail cell.

Bail is given, and Michael gets out roughly fourth minutes later, being uncuffed and getting his cell phone and wallet back. Willow isn't there yet, but Jason is and looks like he's trying not to laugh as he hugs his nephew. "Michael, your parents and I have always told you to follow the law. A part of the law is not punching police officers," he says in a fake stern voice. "You're so lucky that they didn't have to call Carly or she would've been down here raising hell and you'd be either let go free of all charges or she'd be in jail too by now."

"I know. Mom's not exactly silent about her beliefs," Michael smiles as their hug ends.

Willow runs into the station, clearly stressed but holding it together as she runs to him. "You're okay? Nothing happened? Did Chase drop the charges?"

Michael hugs his wife, glancing at Jason in his happy moment. "Willow, look at me. I'm fine. Nothing happened to me and Chase agreed to drop the charges because it's a first offense. All that's been injured is my ego."

Smiling at the sight in front of him, Jason says, "I think that it's safe to say this is a sign you're really married now, she's worried you got hurt in your short jail stay."

"Hey, we've been married for months!" Willow objects, chuckling as Dante walks in casually with Wiley in a stroller.

Dante greets the staff he knows and says to Wiley, "See Daddy? He did a bad thing to Chase and now he had to get bailed out. But it looks like him and Mommy are finally admitting they love each other, so something good happened."

"Uncle Dante is a little bit too excited to see me bailed out, isn't he, Wiley?" Michael asks, pulling apart from his hug with Willow to take his son from Dante.

"Yes, I am, little brother. If you weren't an idiot, we wouldn't be in this situation," Dante cheekily responds. "As cute as this moment is, I'm going to leave you two to it and go do something else. Jason, Carly needs us for something. I will be telling her that you got arrested, Michael."

Michael glares at his brother while he leaves the station. "Great, now my mother's going to be mad at me too."

"I'm not mad at you," Willow tells him, smiling. "I think he deserved it and abused his power. And I think Mr. Wiley agrees with me."

"I think Wiley would have to agree with me as well that he's got the greatest mommy in the entire universe," Michael smiles at her.

"Greatest parents," Willow corrects him, kissing him again. "You don't give yourself enough credit."

Their family leaves the station together, laughing.

aH

[d-p-f-m]

Take it easy |🥁|💕|📌|✔|

Seokjin x Reader |🥁|💕|📌|✔|

I love love love writing Seokjin prompts, so thanks again @btsfangirl1999 for requesting it!

Sorry for taking so long but I promise I'm working on everything as soon as I have time and inspiration!

Also thanks to my lovely beta for reading through this mess I call my writing. I'd be lost without you, girl❤🔥

Hope you enjoy!💞

Prompts:

A.) 94. Why the hell are you on the floor? + 95. I'm so tired, it hurts when I close my eyes

Word count: 5783

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

The distant ringing in the back of your mind has you writhing underneath the comforting cover of your blanket. In a silent act of protest you instictively wrap the soft fabric tighter around your body, burying your face in your pillow in hopes of drowning out the annoying noise. Obviously though, the torture doesn't magically stop on its own.

About three more minutes in and you finally admit defeat. Groaning in dispair you rip the sheets off of you in one swift movement and slowly roll on your back to extend one arm in the general direction of where your phone is supposed to be.

Without actually being able to see what you're doing, it takes you a few seconds to locate it and press the power botton on its top to cut the alarm off for good. Sighing in content at the peaceful moment of silence you allow yourself to simply lie there a bit longer before you eventually sit up straight, so you won't be tempted to just fall asleep again.

Forcing yourself to pry your eyes open you blink against the blinding screen of your phone to check the time. There is still about twenty minutes left before you have to leave for university, thank God. With all the willpower you're able to muster you heave yourself out of bed and waddle through the corridor leading to your bathroom to proceed with your usual morning routine.

Examining your puffy face in the mirror while brushing your teeth you make an unsatisfied noise in the back of your throat and grimace at your reflection. You don't have time or motivation to conceal your sleep deprived expression with make-up and usually you don't care much about things like that anyways, but seeing the dark circles under your eyes you really wish you could just crawl back into bed and hide from your responsibilities until you're finally well rested for once.

Hearing your phone buzz on the side of the sink you look at the message that popped up on screen and sigh. With finals week coming up there is usually no space for personal life already and you knew it was a stupid idea the moment you agreed to help one of your friends to plan the project for one of their classes but you just didn't have it in you to tell them no. They'd do the same for you when you need them someday. ... right?

While rinsing your mouth you brush your hair absendmindetly and stare blankly at your reflection, thinking about your plans for the day. You'll need to meet up with your friend after classes and then you have to work the evening shift at the café before rereading your notes for the first exam coming up next Monday. You can do this. No problem. You've gone through worse things in your life.

Still, as you set aside your hairbrush and reluctantly make your way downstairs to the kitchen, you can feel how every muscle in your body protests with just the tiniest movement. Walking down the circular shaped staircase has somehow made you a bit dizzy and you have to take a moment to lean against the nearest wall for support when you feel a light headache spread from your neck upwards all the way to your forhead. Probably because you've pulled an all-nighter last night again.

Seokjin would definitely scold you if he found out, he always tells you to slow down when you get like this. Of course you never listen. Good thing you didn't actually see each other the last few days even though you live together, because you're both too busy with your own lives. The only time you would have the chance to talk to each other is either in the morning before heading out, or on rare occasions at lunch break when you don't meet up with anyone else.

It seems like you've missed your chance for today though because it's so silent around the house that you assume the acting major is already out and about again and even though you don't want to admit it, you're starting to really miss having him around all the time.

It's not common for two university students of the opposite gender to be roommates and you often have to endure judging stares or rude comments about your undefined relationship with your handsome friend.

You don't mind, though. If they're nice enough to ask you about what's going on between Seokjin and you, you'd gladly explain that you're just very close friends, for the time being at least, and if they prefer side-eyeing you from afar then you'd simply ignore them. It's not their business anyways.

Yawning, you turn on the coffee machine and then make your way to the fridge to search for something to eat that will hopefully get you through most of the day. To your surprise there's a box with food placed right in the middle for you to see, with a bright blue sticky-note attached to its lid and you instantly pray that it's what you think it is.

You take the box to read the note to make sure the contents are really meant for you and not reserved for your roommate since he's the only one who could have put it there and you don't want to risk getting into a fight over food with Seokjin of all people. You only tried to get away with stealing his food once and decided right after that it wasn't worth the eventual consequences ever again. You actually value your life, thank you very much.

One look at the note is enough to tell you that the food is in fact meant for you though. It's even your absolute favorite and at the thought of your roommates' skilled cooking, your mouth automatically starts watering. Maybe your day won't turn out to be as draining and horrible as you originally thought it would. Seokjin made apparently more on purpose so, and quote: 'your lazy ass doesn't starve before you pay me back for the last seven months of living at my apartment for free'. His choice of words makes you let out a huff in amusement.

When he had taken you in after you got kicked out of your old dorm in favor of someone else without any warning beforehand you both had come to a silent agreement that you wouldn't speak of how much you owed him, since you can't effort even half the rent to his apartment. It's clear to you that you'll pay him back as soon as you have the chance and Seokjin knows this too, even though he probably doesn't actually expect you to.

Silenty thanking him for his life saving food you pack it into your bag and then grab your phone to thank him via text as well so you won't forget. After hesitating for a short moment you also decide to ask him when he's going to be home today. If there's even the slightest chance you're going to be able to see him for dinner or at least a few hours of lazing on your couch just talking while watching some random movie, you're sure that it'll give you enough motivation to get through the day.

Seokjin immediately opens your message and you can't help but smile when you see that he's already typing a reply. He's always been like this. Always quick to answer your texts or calls, always down to go with every single one of your random ideas that tend to pop up in your head at the craziest of times, just... always there for you when you need him.

Being close friends for so long you know that's just who he is, of course. You know he's a good person and a really loyal friend but still, that little voice in your head keeps whispering that maybe, just maybe, he's so considerate because it's you. That it's not just your wishful thinking and he actually cares about you as much as you care about him. That he'd somehow realize how whipped you are for him and return your feelings instead of trying to let you down gently like he does with all the girls that confessed their crush on him in the last three or four years.

Shaking your head to get rid of your cheesy thoughts you stumble back to the coffee machine to get your mug while still squinting at your phone screen where Seokjin's message just popped up. As expected he's pretty busy today as well and he doesn't know how late it's going to get until he gets home. He tells you not to wait up for him with dinner if it starts getting too late but that he'll try his best to make it on time.

Sighing you brush your hand through your hair before finishing your coffee and putting your mug down on the kitchen counter to clean it later. It wasn't a 'no'. So it could happen, ... right? You decide it's not going to be of any good to think about it too much and instead make your way back upstairs to change into some proper clothes. It's almost time for you to leave for university anyway. You try to think positive and tie your hair into a ponytail before putting on your shoes.

You'll just have to survive the next 11 hours, then you'll finally be able to rest. And maybe you'll even see Seokjin again and have dinner with him tonight. So with this promising thought in mind you eventually step out the door of your apartment to get on with your day.

~

Stepping inside your own four walls you almost start crying in relief when you're finally able to get out of your shoes. You're burned out. The only thing on your mind right now is to sleep for at least 12 hours straight before even thinking of anything else. Unfortunatly though, you still got a few things on your to-do list for today, so you'll have to settle for a quick power nap.

Shrugging out of your jacket you just drop it on your way to the couch, not caring about anything else other than your well deserved rest. You grab the remote and turn on the TV with low volume to let the background noises lull you to sleep and then drop yourself backwards on the couch. Or that's what you thought.

Having misjudged the distance between you and the soft cushions you only scratch their surface before your fall continues and you land on the hard floor with a loud thud. The impact has you holding your breath in shock and while your mind is trying to catch up with your body you instinctively reach up to hold your head in your hands a few moments before the pain even kicks in.

You let out a pathetic groan and slowly roll over to lie on your back, swinging one arm over your face without moving a second time, too tired to try and get up again. It's what you deserve for not being more aware of your stupid surroundings anyway. And the ground's not even that bad, you tell yourself. There can't go anything else wrong if you don't move, right?

Allowing your heavy eyelids to finally rest for a while you stretch your legs out completely in an attempt to get more comfortable and huff, a little disappointed, because it's not working. The noise of the show that plays on TV is actually stressing you out more than helping you relax so you just press the power button on the remote that's still in your hand since you fell down to turn it back off before you finally admit defeat and just wait for sleep to take over.

That's how Seokjin finds you.

You don't know how much time has passed since you first slipped and fell to the ground just to stay there without moving a muscle when suddenly the front door to your apartment opens, accompanied by the very familiar jingle of keys and a heavy sigh sounding almost as tired as you're feeling.

The urge to stand up and greet your roommate comes up for a moment but the second you try to even so much as shift a bit your headache gets worse and a scorching pain shoots through your neck causing you to let out an almost inaudible groan in defeat.

You pray to every entity your brain comes up with that Seokjin won't find you like this, that he'll just grab a snack from the kitchen and then go upstairs to his room to study or whatever. But of course, like most of the time when it comes to Seokjin, it doesn't go the way you want it to. 'Hey y/n, you there? I'm home!' You can't help but cringe at the loud noise coming all the way from the other side of the room.

It's not because of his voice, you love his voice and on any other day hearing him say your name with so much hope and anticipation coloring his words would have caused your heart to go into a frenzy. Right now, however, you just want him to go away and leave you there to suffer alone until you're feeling better.

As much as you want to call out and tell him where you are, you can't bring yourself to actually answer him. The incredible pain in your neck and the merciless pounding of your head aside, the potential humiliation of him seeing you like this, completely vulnerable and pathetic has you biting your lip as if that would help you to make as little sound as possible.

There's a moment of heavy silence in the room before you can hear him let out a disappointed sigh, probably because he's assuming you aren't there and you immediately feel bad. It's the only choice you have to protect your dignity though, so there's no way around it. You decide you'll make it up to him with breakfast tomorrow instead.

His footsteps seem to lead him in the direction of the kitchen, away from you and you're starting to relax a bit but then he suddenly stops, presumably in the middle of the room. It's silent again and you furrow your eyebrows in confusion. Your brain is trying to come up with an explanation for what could have made him pause like that and when you hear the shuffling of clothes it suddenly clicks. Your damn jacket.

You dropped it on the ground on your way to the couch. Cursing yourself you press your arm tighter over your closed eyes and bite the inside of your cheek while anxiously waiting for Seokjin to move again. After a few seconds the rustling of clothes picks up again and your instincts scream at you to curl into a ball so he won't be able to find you.

You can pinpoint the exact moment he sees you by his surprised gasp of horror coming from almost right beside you and you can't help but to click your tongue in defeat. 'Y/N?! Oh my fu- ... y/n, are you alright?!' He's by your side in an instant, kneeling at your feet and touching one of your legs oh so delicately to check for any signs that you're alive and well.

Even in your hazy state you're still able to appriciate how careful he's being with touching you. 'Shh... shut up, Seokjin.' Hearing your raspy voice he pauses his attempts to softly shake you awake and even though you don't open your eyes to look at him you know he's probably staring at your covered face like a confused puppy.

'You're alive?! Why the fuck- Do you think it's funny scaring me to death?!' Groaning at the volume of his voice you move one of your legs to kick against his knee softly. 'Unfortunatly, yes. But could you please be quiet, my head hurts like crazy.' Amused by his overly dramatic reaction your voice automaticly takes on a softer tone to show him you're fine and it's then that he finally relaxes a bit.

You can feel his hold on your thigh become weaker and you immediately miss the warmth of his touch when he shifts to get a better look at you. 'Well... I mean I've been told my looks are able to bring girls to their knees and while I'm aware of how easy it is to fall for my handsome face, I'm pretty sure I'm not the reason why you're wiping the floor with your shirt. So why the hell are you on the floor?'

It's kinda funny how he's trying to lighten the mood without even knowing what's going on, you think. His voice is barely above a whisper though and you let out a soft hum to let him know you're going to answer in your own time. He still hasn't moved and you're wondering if he just doesn't know what to do in this situation.

Sighing, you move your arm from your face and reach out to search for him. Once you can feel the rough fabric of his jeans under your fingertips, you pat his thigh reassuringly while thinking of what to say next. 'Mhm... it's nothing, really. I just thought it'd be nice to get to know my surroundings better. You know? Bond with the floor, so it doesn't get lonely. Turns out it's really nice to talk to. Found my standards here so I didn't feel like getting up again.'

The amused snort he gives you as an answer is enough to get a content smile out of you as well. You give his thigh another friendly pat and subconsiously lick your dry lips. Something to drink would be nice. You make a mental note to go to the kitchen the moment your body is ready to function again. 'Give me a few minutes, yeah? You can go upstairs and I'll be there in a bit. Honestly, I'm so tired, it hurts when I close my eyes.'

There's silence for a while, like your roommate is contemplating what to answer and if it wouldn't be for your hand still touching his leg, you couldn't even be sure if he's with you anymore.

Suddenly, you feel him shift away from you and your heart squeezes in your chest at the thought of him actually leaving you here to go upstairs. There's still no way you'll open your eyes to confirm your suspicions though. The throbbing right behind your temples got worse while you were talking and you won't take the risk of provoking a full-on migrane just because your stupid feelings tell you it's absolutely necessary to look at your etheral being of a roommate right now.

You don't know what you were expecting at this point but the sudden noise right beside your ear was definitely not it. Feeling your head being lifted carefully you make a confused sound in the back of your throat but before you can actually react, it's already over and you're lying on something far more comfortable than the cold linoleum of the floor.

'You're an idiot. You know that, right?' Seokjin's voice is just a hushed whisper against your ear and you can feel him wrap his arm around your waist when you try to get up on instinct. 'Wha-' You don't really know how to react to his sudden proximity but as you open your mouth to respond he just pulls you closer until your cheek is pressed against his shoulder and hums quietly to effectively shut you up.

'You could have just said you weren't feeling well. There's nothing wrong with taking a break when you feel like you can't keep up anymore, you know?' His words make you let out a resigned huff. He always says that. And he's right, of course. Theoretically. But thinking back to the pile of notes on your desk you've still got to rehearse to be able to pass the exams next week, you can't help but disagree with him.

Seokjin seems to know what you're thinking because he sighs in an almost frustrated way, like a parent trying to reason with his stubborn toddler and leans his forehead softly against the top of your head, burying his face in your hair while stroking your back with his free hand as if trying to soothe you. He has you pretty much caged in his arms and even if you wanted to, there'd be no way to get up now. You're not complaining though. It does soothe you.

It feels nice to have him hold you like this. Like he actually wants to be here, with you. Like he wants to protect you from anything that's trying to harm you in any way. Like... you mean more to him than he says out loud. From time to time, the fingers caressing your back find their way up to absentmindedly play with strands of your hair and you can't stop your heart from jumping a bit when you feel him subtly shift closer.

You're so close you can hear Seokjin's heartbeat and while the steady rhythm calms you, it's still kinda strange. It's not like you never cuddled before. The actor's a pretty affectionate person and so it's actually common for you to be constantly hugged or held in his arms or pulled into his lap when you two hang around each other. Still, there's something about the way he's holding you right now. It's so loving and gentle, as if he's scared he'd hurt you if he isn't careful enough. You've never felt so at ease before.

Seokjin suddenly stops playing with your hair and after another moment of silence lets out a small huff. 'Don't think I didn't notice that you weren't feeling well for a while now. Still... I didn't exactly stop you from letting it get worse, so I guess I'm a bit at fault as well. I should have known you'd strain yourself... you really are an idiot.'

The tone of his voice is a mix between cockiness and genuine worry, so instead of complaining about him calling you an idiot you just grumble into his chest and murmur something that's supposed to sound like an apology. A small laugh escapes his lips at your childish behavior. 'What was that, princess? I couldn't hear you.' He gives your shoulder a soft push to get you to lean back and look at him and not able to resist any longer you comply.

You carefully blink open your tired eyes and when they finally adjust to your surroundings you see Seokjin smiling down at you so fondly your breath hitches. The words you wanted to say won't come out and you clear your sore throat when you see him raise an eyebrow in question. He casually licks his slightly opened lips and you can feel the blush creeping up your face when you realize your eyes followed the movement without your consent.

You're pretty sure he saw you staring for a second and not being able to look into his eyes after that, you press yourself up against him and wrap one of your arms around his waist as well to cuddle into him more. 'I missed you,' you whisper instead. The words come out of your mouth before you can stop them and they're so muffled through the fabric of his shirt that you hope he couldn't understand you.

It's kind of embarrassing how needy your voice sounded just now and when he tenses against you, you immediately regret saying it, scared he'll take it as a joke and laugh at you for being dramatic or worse, understand what the real meaning behind it is and reject you for good. But instead of teasing you like you expected he just hugs you closer to him and lets out a sigh. 'I missed you too, y/n.'

Maybe it's because you're feeling so tired and vulnerable or maybe it's the tender way he just answered you in but hearing him say it back has a wave of pend up emotions suddenly crashing down on you all at once. Your eyes well up with tears and before you know it you're sobbing into his chest, gripping onto his shirt like a lifeline. 'N-no, you don't get it. I missed you, I always miss you and it's so stupid because I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I'm stupid, so stupid.'

You don't care if you're crossing the invisible line you had drawn from the moment you started living with him right now. You're tired and cold and you can't think straight with that fucking headache drumming against your skull. All you can think of is how warm Seokjin is and how good it feels when he tightens his arms around you in an attempt to calm you down.

Not really knowing what else to do Seokjin slowly sits up and pulls you into his lap. You bury your face in his neck and clasp at his shoulders while he hums a low tune and rocks you from side to side, one of his arms securely wrapped around your waist to hold you in place. 'Shh... it's fine, you're fine.' For the past eight years you've know him, Seokjin always tried to avoid emotional confrontations by cracking a joke or playing dumb but right now he seems completely serious and you're thankful that he's not withdrawing himself from you even though seeing you like this probably makes him uncomfortable.

Somewhere in the back of your mind you know how dramatic you're being and usually you'd be embarrassed to let him see you like this, but the way he's cradling you in his embrace like you're something precious to him has you melting against his chest without a second thought. You're allowed to be weak sometimes too. Seokjin is always here to remind you of that and it makes you love him even more. So maybe, just maybe, you can allow yourself to show him what's really on your mind from time to time.

Your roommate hushes you for a while until you're not crying anymore and as soon as he's sure you've calmed down he turns you in his arms so he's able to stand up. 'Come on, let's get you in bed. The floor's going to make me get sick and if my handsome face gets all puffy because of you, you're going to pay.' The comment makes you snort in amusement and glancing at him from out of the corner of your eyes you see him smiling at your reaction. Would it be too much to tell him that his puffy face looks extremely cute? Probably. Better not take a chance after what happened just now.

He carries you up the stairs as if your body weighs nothing. The actor isn't even the slightest bit out of breath when you arrive in front of your room and you're reminded of how build he actually his, despite him joking about becoming fat all the time. You silently study his face while he lets you down on your bed carefully. His eyebrows are furrowed in thought and he's looking down at the mattress instead of at you.

You can't really tell if it's out of respect for you or because he can't bring himself to look at your miserable state, and you actually don't want to know if you're being honest. Sighing in bliss at the feeling of your soft covers being pulled over you, you snuggle deeper into the fabric and look up at your friend through heavy eyelids to see him give you a warm smile. 'I'll be right back, don't fall asleep on me already, hm?'

You let out a quiet hum in agreement and watch him leave your room to go somewhere downstairs. His absence gives you time to think about what happened in the last few minutes and your heart squeezes painfully when you remember what exactly you told him while you had your little outburst. Is that why he was so stiff and quiet just now?

Does he understand your feelings towards him and needs time to think about a way to reject you without making things awkward? Fuck. You really don't know if you're ready to hear him say it. Suddenly you can hear his footsteps coming back up the stairs and on instinct you close your eyes to pretend you're asleep. He can reject you all he wants tomorrow when you're emotionally stable enough. Right now you just want to fall asleep and pretend today never happened.

Your roommate comes to a stop beside your head and just stands there for a moment, probably looking at you. After a few seconds the mattress sinks down at the level of your waist and your breath hitches when you realize he's now sitting on your bed, softly brushing your hair from your forhead. 'I know you're awake. Nobody blushes in their sleep, not even because of me. Now open your eyes and let me feed you, so I know you're not going to die in your sleep.'

Clicking your tongue in annoyence you comply to his order and blink your eyes open. He's holding a glass of water out to you and you let out a short hum to thank him, eagerly accepting it while you sit up and lean against the headboard of your bed. You empty it in one go and hand the glass back to Seokjin for him to place it on your nightstand. He offers you a slice of an apple but when you try to take it from him, he lightly presses it to your lips instead, the look in his eyes daring you to refuse him to feed you.

Your face starts burning again but you know he won't take no for an answer so you just open your lips and let him slip the slice into your mouth without complaint. Seokjin makes a content noise in the back of his throat at your obedience and pats your knee over the covers with his unoccupied hand to reward you.

'You want some more?' Shaking your head at his question you lie back down and pull your blanket up to your chin before he can press another slice to your lips. 'Wanna sleep, 'm sorry,' you manage to croak out and thankfully he relents right away. 'The plate's right here if you change your mind. I'll be in my room if you need anything, yeah?'

He makes an effort to stand up and leave but you immediately shake your head and grasp the sleeve of his shirt to stop him before he can get away. 'Stay, please? I could use your cuddles right now.' Your roommate blinks at you a few times as if unsure of how to react but when you silently lift your blanket in invitation, he finally gives in and gets under the covers next to you with a small sigh.

Pressing your body against his you shift two or three times and then yawn happily once you're comfortable. Neither of you talks for a long time, Seokjin just lets you lie with your head hiding in the crook of his neck and affectionately brushes through your hair to help you fall asleep.

You're just about to let his breathing lull you to sleep when he suddenly smiles against you as if he remembered something and whispers in an amused but husky voice. 'Your actual confession is going to be a bit more romantic, right? I'm thinking something like a restaurant or a movie night with take out and lots of cuddles to set the mood.'

Tensing up a bit at the sudden question you slowly pull away to look at him with your eyes already bleary from how tired you are. 'Who said I liked you?' Seokjin grins cockily at your terrible attempt to play dumb and the mischievous glint in his eyes tells you that whatever happens next, everything is going to be just fine.

'Oh please, it's so obvious you're whipped for me. I mean, who wouldn't be? It's me we're talking about.' You roll your eyes at him and grin back but you can't come up with a sly response right away since what he says is one hundred percent the truth, so you settle for not answering at all until you know what he's getting at for sure.

Seokjin looks into your eyes for a moment longer, the content smile still prominent on his face. Then he's shifting forward until his nose brushes against yours and a shiver runs down your spine when you feel his breath on your lips. 'So how about that dinner? I think I deserve something fancy for our first date. It's what first comes to mind every time I think about how to ask you out, you know?'

By now your heart is already threatening to jump out of your chest from how wildly it thumps against your ribs. He already thought about asking you out? More than once? So he actually likes you too and it's not just your hopeful mind playing tricks on you?

When you think you're finally able to form a coherent sentence and tell him you'd gladly go out with him, Seokjin suddenly closes the remaining distance between you both to press a loving kiss to your slightly opened lips. Gasping in surprise against his pillow like lips you don't even get the chance to return the kiss before he's already leaning away from you again.

He's smirking at your dreamy expression and wraps his free arm around your waist to pull you as close to his side as physically possible before speaking up again. 'Movie night would be fine by me too, though. Tell me tomorrow, yeah? You gaping at me like a deer caught in the headlights made me kinda sleepy and you need your beauty sleep. Let's get comfy, hm?' Wow, the nerve of this guy. As if you'd be able to get any sleep now.

'You're an idiot,' you say amused and cuddle into him further to get comfortable again. He pulls a funny face in response and sticks his tongue out to you before he chuckles. 'That's my line, idiot.'

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

[kez2402]

Hang In There// Peter Parker (1)

Chapter 1

I've know Peter Parker my whole life. We lived in the same city, went to the same schools. We use to be best friends, key words: use to be. Ever since our journey into Midtown High, we lost touch. We found our own groups of friends, each differing very much from the other. Nevertheless, I still considered Peter Parker a friend. I got dragged into the popular group by none other than Harry Osborn, an old friend of Peter's, but also my older brother. To be quite honest, I didn't exactly feel like I fit in with my clique. I always envied the friendship that Peter shared with Ned and MJ, it was so innocent and true, something that didn't exist in many of the popular groups. So that's why I got out. I traded the popular status for friends who didn't care if I turned up in tracksuit bottoms over a mini skirt. We got classified as the 'nerds' of the school. Did I care? Absolutely not. I knew I was valued more with these three than with a group of ten or more. 

Life at home wasn't what anyone would expect. Our mother died in a family house fire years ago, leaving our family.....broken. Our father, Norman Osborn, was never the same after it. He pushed us away, his work and company being prioritized over his own children. It was tough to say the least, but at least we had each other, and we both had Peter Parker. Harry always lived up to the definition of an older brother, that overprotective nature always coming through in some shape or form. We were known as the 'rich kids' but only Harry could ever carry that title so proudly. Being a 'rich kid' meant your parents were rich, with good high paying jobs, meaning there was very little time left for family. Which is why I practically grew up in the Parker household. Aunt May and Uncle Ben were like parents to me. They fed me, took care of me, loved me, something my brother and I never got off our father. Especially lately, there was a new experiment they had going and there was nothing that could pull him away from Oscorp. Turns out, I couldn't get away from it either.

It was Monday morning and it rained. And rained. And rained. You could call it pathetic fallacy for the weather certainly reflected my mood: gloomy. Why? Because we were going on a school trip. It wasn't the trip itself thag caused my gloomy mood, it was the place we were going to that caused it: Oscorp. The place that made a man love it more than he loved his own son and daughter. Strange things happen in Oscorp, most of which are brushed under the mat...... Like me.

I met up with Peter, Ned and MJ outside the gates of Midtown High. MJ being the only one with the brain cells to think of bringing an umbrella. We chatted about our weekends while we waited another five minutes for the bus to arrive. When it did, people were quick about getting out of the rain. Peter sat with Ned while I sat with MJ in front of them. It wasn't a long journey to Oscorp, maybe half an hour tops. The sight of the ugly glass building was enough to dampen my mood even further, Peter questioning it as we got off the bus.

"Hey, Sof. You okay?"

I smiled back at him and replied with a short 'yep' as the students of Midtown made their way into the building. There was something eery about Oscorp, something I couldn't put my finger on. Perhaps it was the events of that day many years ago that made me dislike the building so much. But nevertheless, I was here. It was interesting what they were showing us, from the beginning up until now. However, I took particular interest in the radioactive spider. Such a strange experiment. The affects of radiation on a spider. I was stood beside Peter, him spitting out random facts to me the whole time. I didn't mind though, it was cute to see him so passionate about science.

"Ow."

I saw Peter raise his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it gently, a look of discomfort on his face. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"You okay, Pete?"

He went pale very quickly and I thought he was going to pass out right there and then. So, I took him by the arm and guided him outside of Oscorp, hoping some fresh air would help. We sat on the top step of the stairway to the building, a glass panel saving us from the rain. The boy beside me kept his head in his hands, causing concern to build up inside me. I placed a hand on his back, I could feel his body flinch under my touch.

"Pete, how are you feeling?"

He removed his head from his hands, allowing me to see his eyes in behind the thick framed glasses. He gave me a small smile in return.

"I'll be fine, just nausea. It'll go away once Aunt May gives me some of her favourite medicine."

I chuckled at the brunet's simple joke, knowing all too well what medicine he was referring to. Some sort of homemade recipe Aunt May had discovered one day, we haven't looked back since. My friendship with Peter Parker had always played on my mind, morning, noon and night. Did he still consider me one? A friend? Or had I been demoted to simply an acquaintance? Someone he knew.

"We're still friends, right?"

Peter looked at me with confusion written across his face.

"Of course we are. You've been my best friend since...... Well forever."

A smile had made itself onto my face as we sat there. Just remembering all the memories from our childhood together, the stupid things we use to do, the amount of trouble we got into and of course, the consequences for them. It was Sof and Pete. Pete and Sof. You couldn't have one without the other. And it seems that, even though we had drifted, Sof and Pete are still the friends they were when they were ten years old.

_____________________________________

That evening I walked Peter home, to make sure he was okay after the incident at Oscorp. I had an errand to run that side of town anyways so it was really a win-win situation. We reached the Parker residence soon after five p.m., just in time for dinner. I stood outside the door as Peter walked in, looking back giving me a 'why aren't you coming in' look. I could hear Aunt May call from the kitchen saying he was just in time for dinner.

"Dinner is just ready, I'm sure there's plenth for another person."

"Oh, no I couldn't, Pete. Honestly I should probably be going."

I smiled at his efforts but he just raised an eyebrow at me, a smirk growing on his lips.

"May, you'll never guess who's come to visit."

My eyes widen with shock as I glare at the boy, if looks could kill he'd be dead a hundred times over. Without a second to spare Aunt May was at the door, a huge smile making it's way onto her face.

"Sophie!"

She wrapped me in a hug before pulling back, keeping her hands on my shoulders and looking at me.

"It's been so long! You've grown into a beautiful young woman. Hasn't she, Pete."

My eyes flickered over to Peter to see his cheeks go a new shade of red as he replied with a shy 'ye'. Next thing I know I'm being dragged inside for dinner. To say I didn't enjoy my time with the Parkers would be a complete lie because I truly did love it. That same warm and homely feeling had never left. It was as if I had only been over yesterday, not 3 years ago. Nevertheless, nothing had changed between us, it as something constant in a world of constant change.

"What's the time?" I asked, tidying up my dishes.

"It's half six."

I checked the time again to make sure I wasn't imaging things. I was so late. I rushed around the the kitchen helping where I could and collecting my things.

"Thank you so much for the food, May! It was lovely to see you again!  Bye!"

I rushed out the door and got to the large building as soon as I could. I waited inside the waiting room for roughly fifteen minutes before a smart looking lady came out.

"He's ready to see you now."

I stood up and straightened out my outfit, presenting myself as confident despite my panic not so long ago. I entered the office and took a seat, as did he. Once comfortable I leaned back in my seat, crossing my legs.

"So, Mr. Stark, what can I do for you?"

_________________________________

To read the full story go to Kez2402 on Wattpad or click on the link below:

[metaphysiqueonline]

Are you counting calories to lose weight?

Are you counting calories to lose weight?

If you are STOP IT RIGHT NOW! 

Is your goal to lose weight or lose fat? Fat seems to be hard for people to say and come to terms with. Your body weight is not important, your body fat is! 

So now you've stopped counting calories I want you to forget weighing yourself! "WHAT, STOP WEIGHING MYSELF" you shout out in your head as you read this. "how will I know if I'm losing weight?" 

Remember we're not trying to lose 'weight', we're reducing body fat and there are far better ways to 'see' your results. 

Your 'bodyweight' is made up of water, muscle, fat, bones, organs, food, fluids and more, and will fluctuate daily anyway. When I tell people to stop weighing themselves they look at me like I'm crazy! It can become an addiction in itself and hard to stop doing it. checking the scales to see if you're lighter and trust me in the early days I was there too! I wanted to lose 'weight' and dieted incorrectly and weighed myself sometimes twice a day, morning and night or even if I saw a set of scales I'd jump on! Sometimes I was happy, other times disappointed if it had gone up… and how could it when I'd been so strict on my 'diet' and exercise plan? If you've also done this you'll know how confusing this can be, and can leave you feeling down, and to the point where you want to give up! 

I see and hear a lot of 'weight loss' advice which states you have to be in a calorie deficit to 'lose weight'. This basically means you have to work out your daily calorie requirement (this will vary a lot between people) and lower it by around 200 - 500 calories per day to lose 'weight'. Now, this is very basic and sounds good in theory and has been the base of many plans for years. In fact, a lot of the big companies are still promoting this today. And I'll explain why during this article 

So if you eat less your body must use stored energy (fat) for fuel right? Wrong! Again this is a great theory, but the body is very clever and is designed for famine, which means it can survive for long periods of time without food

Weight loss this way will occur so you're probably thinking why I'm so against it. I'll prove this has absolutely no long term benefits, and will even incur greater fat STORAGE over time. Yes that's right you'll STORE more fat like this, and this is where I'll explain exactly what will happen to the body if you diet this way, and how the big 'weight loss' companies design their plans this way so you keep rebuying their plans! It's all money and sales to them, they do not care for your long term health. I do!

Let's have a look at Muscle, it's the most active tissue in the body, and requires lots of calories just to be maintained, and directly linked to the speed of your metabolism. This is the rate of which you burn through calories. If you have a fast metabolism you'll burn up calories for energy quickly and efficiently, and if it's a slow you'll store calories as fat instead. Now we all know someone who eats junk food non-stop and they never ever store fat. This person has a fast metabolism and they are burning through the calories as fast as they consume them. And we also know people that look at a chocolate bar and gain 2lbs! Sound familiar? 

There are a few factors which will affect this but I want to keep this simple. Muscle is active tissue and requires lots of calories to be maintained. If you decide to reduce your calories guess what happens? You lose muscle tissue! The muscle will be starved and will start to break down, especially through extreme dieting. Muscle is the least important tissue in the body and will be sacrificed for calories if needed, especially if your protein intake is low or your other cells need energy, the muscle will break down and be converted to energy for that reason. Also if your protein is low your body will break down muscle tissue, convert it back into amino acids and use it to build and repair other cells in the body!

A lot of people still associate protein with huge muscles and even bodybuilding, but protein is the building blocks for all tissues in the body. Hair, skin, eyes, nails, bones, organs etc are made up of amino acids. Protein is digested and broken down into amino acids and then they bond with peptides to form proteins. They then go off to do their job of building and repairing cells. 

Muscle has a weight to it, so when it is broken down for energy or its amino acids the body will weigh less on the scales. A lot of people on this diet will be happy at first, they are 'losing weight', but not from the fat stores, from muscle! Next, up your metabolic rate will start to slow down as the muscle you had has now gone. Remember muscle burns up calories and without it doing that, those excess calories will store as fat! 

So dieting this way the 'weight' will come off, and  'weight loss' can occur quickly too! The target 'weight' on the scales will be achieved, and you'll look better in clothes, but what does the body look like without clothes on? It'll actually have a similar look to before as the body will be smaller now, but have almost exactly the same shape and still be fat, or skinny fat as we call it. The skin will be looser and sag as there is nothing to hold it in place, and this can also happen with rapid weight loss. Your body fat percentage will be roughly the same even if your body is smaller and still have all the health risks associated with high body fat. 

Have you ever heard someone say "I've lost the weight and now I need to tone up". I bet you've heard this a lot, I've heard it a million times over the years. They have lost muscle weight, they are still holding fat, and they have soft sagging skin! 

The goal should be to reduce body fat, increase lean muscle tissue, become healthy, have more energy and look amazing naked! 

If your metabolism is now slower you'll have a much greater chance of eating food and storing it as fat instead of using it for cell repair and energy. 

Eating less food isn't always sustainable, and feeling hungry and lacking energy just isn't fun. It's easy to slip back to old eating habits like this and guess what? You'll store fat even quicker than before and go back to your original weight! But look worse than before as you'll have still lost the muscle. You'll weigh the same as before but your body fat percentage will be even higher without the muscle tissue!!! 

The big weight loss companies love this, they are designed to 'fail' as you'll lose muscle, lose weight, slow down your metabolism, reach your target weight, go back to old eating habits, regain the weight, look worse than before, go back to them as their 'diet' worked for you last time and this is called YO-YO dieting. This is bar far the best way to absolutely destroy your metabolism and slow it right down! But they'll make lots of money selling you plans again and again and again. 

Does this sound familiar? "I lost weight with (insert big company name) last time, it worked for me, I'll go back to them again.'' Guess how many times I've heard this? Well I've actually lost count

So that is why 'weight loss' and reducing calories are not such a good thing. There are far better ways of burning off stored fats and keeping it off without damaging your metabolism. In fact, speeding up your metabolism is a far better way of burning through the calories which I teach my clients to do on my 8-week weight management plan. This educates people into using the right nutrients for long term fat loss or muscle gain goals. It's super-efficient and sustainable and can be easily adjusted as your body changes shape. Not only will you look fantastic, you'll have loads of energy, better focus and concentration, amazing health and a great overall feeling of well-being. 

I hope you've enjoyed reading this and I've tried to make it easy to understand. If you have any questions please email me or DM me on my social sites. 

Healthy Regards, 

Steve

Coach@metaphysiqueonline.co.uk

#health #healthy #healthyliving #diet #dieting #dietplans #weightloss #fatloss #weightmanagement #bodytransformation #physique #summerbody #fattofit #fitover40 #onlinecoaching #onlinefitnesscoach #personaltrainer

[auskultu]

Yardbird Jimmy Page says, 'Open Your Mind'

Hit Parader magazine: WHEN YOU were a session man, were you playing bass or lead guitar?

Jim: Lead guitar.

HP: Was it difficult to switch to bass when you joined the Yardbirds?

Jim: It was at first because I tended to play it like a guitar. With the bass you just play a sort of root thing. I was just leaping around all over the place with great speed and I had to stop doing that. I managed to simplify it. But at first I was playing far too quickly.

HP: I read somewhere that you were going to play lead soon?

Jim: I already have because Jeff was taken ill. Chris took over bass.

HP: Who were some of the other people you have accompanied?

Jim: Them, the Kinks, Georgie Fame, I did some stuff for the Rolling Stones. Actually, we just did a lot of things for fun for Andrew Oldham. In fact, it really was good fun. But I've never been on any of their records. I was on the Who stuff. Petula Clark, P.J. Proby. Nearly everybody who didn't have their own backup group.

HP: How would you describe your style of guitar playing?

Jim: My style has always been very similar to Jeff Beck's. We knew each other for about 9 years. We've always liked the same music and we had the same tastes. As a result, it's been quite easy to fill in for him. When we get the two lead guitars going, it should be pretty good. Because it'll be like two identical people playing together.

HP: What's your opinion of the Paul Butterfield Blues Band?

Jim: I haven't seen them live. But their album is pretty good. As a harp player, Butterfield is really great. He's better than anybody in England. Lots of people speak of Mike Bloomfield, but there are a lot of guys in England who play that stuff.

HP: Beck is an excellent guitarist, but why isn't more of his solo work heard on records?

Jim: How far can you go? We've been told our latest album is too far advanced. There's too much electronic stuff on it. But I think it's all basic. We cut a single with Jeff. It's a Bolero thing. It's very exciting and strange. It's either going to be a monster or a bomb. It's an instrumental based on the classical Bolero piece. Beck's guitar-playing is exploited quite a bit there. But how much can you do that the public will accept? You either make a commercial record or a musicians' record. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

HP: Are there some good blues bands in England?

Jim: There's one called John Mayall's Blues Breakers. Mayall himself is terrible. And then Eric Clapton is good, but he's in the Mike Bloomfield bag, and that's that. And there are lots of good guitarists in minor bands.

HP: Would you say blues is still a big rage in England?

Jim: No, not really. It's still got a market; it's the same thing as in America.

HP: Are you basically a blues guitarist?

Jim: Before the Indian thing was exploited, everyone said I played like an Indian. Mainly because I was interested in the music so many years back. I had the albums and I sent to India for a sitar. I had one long before George Harrison. I tried to learn the actual classical music. It's very difficult. There are so many sides to it. I tried to adapt that to my guitar playing.

HP: Why have musicians latched on to these Indian sounds?

Jim: Because it's so esoteric. Everybody thinks they understand. They get a new sound and they say this is it. But really, they don't know what's going on, I'm sure. I've heard people in groups playing sitars and they don't know what's going on. They don't even tune them up right. Apparently, George Harrison has become deeply interested in it. He plays a sitar on their new album and he was getting along very well. People like Brian Jones just got it for the one record and I doubt if they'll ever use it again.

HP: There are a lot of Indians living in London, aren't there?

Jim: Yes, there are quite a few. Strangely enough, when you speak to them of Indian music, they don't seem to know anything about it. The only thing they know is the western music or the Indian film music, which is completely different from the classical. When you ask them about it, they recommend you to the Asian society or something. I met Ravi Shankar and that's how I got my information on how to tune up the sitar.

HP: Will you be writing material for the Yardbirds now?

Jim: With them, not for them. When one of us has an idea, we all chip in on it until it's finished. I wasn't on the last two, but 'Shapes of Things' and 'Over, Under, Sideways, Down' were all made up in the studio.

HP: What kind of equipment do you use?

Jim: When Chris is on rhythm guitar, we use any old amplifier because it isn't that important, but on bass we have a big set-up with 2 or 3 speakers.

On this tour, we've been given Jordan equipment. It's all transistorized equipment. We're sort of experimenting with it. It hasn't worked out properly on the lead guitars. But it's been sufficient on the bass. On bass, we've got 6 speakers to 8 speakers. In England I've been using a Showman Fender amplifier. And a Fender concert amp which is a smaller one with 4 ten-inch speakers. I link them up together so I get double the power. Through one you get the bass frequencies and through the other I use feedback and the treble frequencies. This is about the best set-up I've had so far. But Jordan is working on some new equipment which should prove to be great. I play a Gibson Les Paul guitar, Chris has an Epiphone bass and there's another Gibson floating around. Eventually, it will be all Gibson because we bought them and never bothered to change them. They're quite adequate.

HP: How did you finally end up with the equipment you've got now?

Jim: We just worked on it. I've been playing guitar for a few years now and I just work on this certain line. You do as best you can. The only problem being we blow up quite a few amps. We did one show and I had 4 amplifiers all linked up. It must have been about 400 watts all together. Those were Vox amps. They just can't take the volume. The speakers blow and then you don't get any sound at all. The Jordan ones didn't blow up, but they don't have enough volume. I've never broken a guitar, but I've been through nearly every make. I've never found a guitar which is exactly what I want. At the moment, I'm happy with this Gibson. I've also got a Fender Telecaster. I find every guitar's got a sound of its own and you can use them all and get something out of them. I haven't used the Telecaster on stage yet. Actually, all my guitars are in England because I came over playing bass. I switched to Jeff's guitar. His is very close to mine because they're both Les Paul models. Normally, we all travel by plane and the equipment goes by van. We have two road managers, one for the equipment and one for us.

HP: Have you found a big difference in British youth and American youth?

Jim: The Americans are a little more narrow-minded. The English, at the moment, are completely broad-minded. This wasn't the original concept of the English, was it? You can shock people in America very easily. If people are shocked, that's their bad luck. They should open their minds. In England, you could walk around in the nude and you wouldn't shock anyone. They'd think you should be put away, but they wouldn't beat the guts out of you. Also, the age of consent is 16. You can marry at 16. The attitude over there is completely free, just like the attitude toward clothes.

HP: Are you really that concerned about how you look?

Jim: I'm not really concerned with clothes. People put that on my shoulders. In actual fact, I'm pleased to see people walking around in outrageous things. They're throwing off the chains of a society that was. It's probably making England completely decadent, but so what. Billy Graham was just over there in England and if you walked around with him, you'd have seen it look all pretty decadent. I'd have to agree. He didn't make any impact at all. Actually, it's a forecast of the end of society. But I don't care because I'll be dead before it ends. If we've come this far in five years, it should really be something in another five. I'd like the new society to be a peaceful one but it won't be, because violence seems to be the answer to every problem. Every fringe society must be experiencing this. We walk around with long hair and someone shouts something, so you give them an answer back which is a little sharp and which they don't quite expect. Then they can't give you an answer, so they come to fists. What sort of mentality is that? I can't argue with a person like that.

It must be terrible for someone to have to fight in a war. I haven't had to think about wars. It's just something I haven't had to contend with, really, I hadn't realized what a big problem it is. I've just seen the horrors of it.

HP: Well, England doesn't have any big thing going now.

Jim: No, this is it. We have no conscription whatsoever. I'll never be drafted or anything.

HP: They won't send you over to Africa to beat up some people or anything?

Jim: Well, they don't do this. People wouldn't do this. If they had a mass conscription now, I dread thinking how many people would go. Because it would only be 40% of those who would have gone before they dropped conscription. People don't want to know about it anymore. They think, well, why should I waste two years of my life and probably lose my life in the process. They just don't want to know anymore.

They've got a regular army where you join and you jet paid every week for doing it. And you just do maneuvers and things.

HP: They have that here, too!

Jim: Yeah, sure, but yours is more of a reality because they get drafted over to Viet Nam. Basically, I must be a coward, but I just couldn't shoot someone. I guess it's different if they're looking at you with a gun and you're looking at them with a gun. You'd have to do it, though. I'd just be violently sick afterwards. I'd never forgive myself, anyway. I'm not the sort of person who's the violent type. I've never never had a fight in my life. I've never put my fists up to anybody. I've never needed to. Only, as I say, through the long hair problem people have said things. But it's never developed. Even if you say come on then, they still won't do anything. Basically, they've still got no guts. But even if they did, I'd run a mile. It's funny because you think, well, what are they going to do, and they don't do anything. So they just wasted the whole time laughing at you. Perhaps they just laugh to reassure their own masculinity.

HP: Why do you think there's such a big concern with clothes?

Jim: I don't know. It's a projection of one's character, I suppose.

HP: Is Carnaby Street a real madhouse?

Jim: It's so easy to send that Carnaby Street thing up. It really is. It's really a street with lots and lots of clothing shops. It's quite a revelation if you've never seen anything like it before, and I'm sure nobody over here has. There's nothing like that. It's just teen-age fashions, bizarre styles. You go there on a Saturday and the kids are there spending money. This is all part of the game, I suppose. Yeah, they spend a fortune on clothes. I don't know where some of the young ones get it from. You see them walking around and they must have spent twice what they've earned.

HP: Do they have things like charge accounts over there?

Jim: No. Not on Carnaby Street, anyway. They won't take checks or anything, not from the kids. Not unless they know you. But there is a big leaning towards clothes and fashions. It's an extension of their character. People have become more aware of the fact that, if they dress up and they look really elegant, I'm not saying Carnaby Street, but if they've got a very clean-cut suit on and still look pretty hip with it and not just sort of middle class, it has the affect on a girl.

HP: What's the biggest thing you dislike about America?

Jim: You see, the only thing that I've seen is violence, but I've only been doing concerts. I don't get out to walk around and meet people very often. If I was walking around the street, I probably wouldn't see any violence whatsoever. So, it's difficult. You see, I haven't seen much of America on this tour. But, when I had my holidays before in Hollywood, I enjoyed it. I thought it was great.

HP: You spent your holiday in Los Angeles?

Jim: Before I joined the group, I spent my holidays for the last couple of years in Hollywood.

HP: What are some of the things you enjoyed in Hollywood?

Jim: The weather. The weather's pretty bad in England. I met quite a few people and made some good friends. I liked the Sunset Strip; there's quite a bit happening there. I got to see groups I could never see in England.

HP: If you had a choice, where would you like to live?

Jim: Miles away from anybody. That's what I'm going to do when I get back. I'm buying a house. It's about a half a mile from anybody else. It's got a river, five bedrooms. That's for when the group slows down a bit. But we'll be working hard for the next year. There's so many things I'd like to do that I don't have the time for now. Things which are very important to me, like painting. But it's best to work now and make all the money I can.

HP: What kind of books do you like to read?

Jim: I used to study religion when I was in art school. But I stopped.

HP: Was that how you got interested in Indian music?

Jim: It may have been subconsciously. But I didn't just read about it and then go onto it. At the moment, I read sort of very strange things like I, Jan Cramer. Things which are a social comment. This Cramer is a beat painter in Holland. I like Henry Miller, too.