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love-beautiful-disasterxo-blog · 6 years ago

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Mental Health

Mental health is something i personally dont think is taken seriously, i am writing this today to let anyone know dealing with mental illness’s know you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and hypochondria and let me tell you it is pure hell. I wasnt dignoased untill i was 27 years old, about 7 months ago now. But i have always had anxiety and panic attacks here and there, but i was always able to control them and my worry. I have always been one to worry about my health and others close to me, but nothing like this. Let me give you alittle back story about myself. Both my parents were addicts my father was a funcontiong alcholic my mother was addicted to well about anything she could get her hands on. My father was always a drinker ever since i could remeber in every old photo we have theres always a beer in his hands. But of course being young i never thought anything of it untill one day him and my mom sat me down and told me he was going to re-hab, i remeber crying beacuse i didnt understand, why was my dad going away? And then they proceded to tell me that my dad needed help. So off my dad went to re-hab for 3 months, and i was left alone to watch my drug addict mother. My mom has very many health problems she has arthrits in every inch of her body she can barley move anymore. So when this first all started she was taking narkos 1000mg, then it turned into oxycottin, morphine, fentna patches, coke pretty much anything she could get her hands on. As this went on we realized my mom was going to multiple diffrent doctors to get pain pills and edventually she got “ red flagged “ whitch pretty much she got caught and then couldnt get any more pain medicine from any doctors in macomb county. So around the time that happned i was having terrible teeth issues, and headaches and i would tell my mom my teeth would hurt.. “ here take this” and it would be a 1000mg narko. when my mom would run out of her pills she would have me go to urgent care to say my teeth hurt and the first time i went they just so happened to give me vicodin. So that started my mom taking me to urgent care to give pills so she could have them. I was young at the time i thought she really needed them, all i seen was my mom in terrible pain !! And then i had to get all 4 of my widsom teeth surgericaly removed at once. So of course they gave me vicodin and i had about 3 reffills on them. I was in so much pain so of course i took them it was terrible !! Well my mom would eaither come into my room when i was sleeping and take some from me or she would come in and ask me for “ a few “ i think i went thru 30 vicidons in 2 weeks beacuse of her taking them. So that is when i really noticed she had a problem. Fast foward a few months my dad was home from rehab clean,healthy, and happy ! But my mom was on a downward spiral. The first time i have ever seen my mom overdose.... i was upstairs in my room with my best friend at the time and all the sudden my dad was screaming my name ! of course i thought i was introuble ! so i walked down stairs to see my mom face down on the coffe table and my great dain on the other side of her with his head on the coffee table crying, i went into panic mode right away i remeber covering my mouth and starting to cry. My dad looked at me and said “ dont panic call 911 ! “ so i called 911. Before they had gotten there my mom had started to come to, she picked her face off the coffee table and she had busted her face all open. Her eyes were pinned, she had this scary look in her eye. The abulnace got there and of course they started asking her all these queshtions “ what did you take ? “ and she started fighting them...pushing them screaming at them. They asked her “ who is this girl?” and they pointed at me and she looked at me and said “ i dont know who she is.” my heart broke into peices. It was then my dad got out all her pill bottles and began coutning them and seeing when she had gotten them filled and what not. She would get a GIANT bottle of 1000mg narkos a month so i would say about 60 ? If not more. Plus all the other pills she was getting from the other doctors. My dad had someone figured out she had taken at least 4 narkos, 2 oxycottins plus her lyrica. She had overdosed. They finally took her away i remeber walking up to the stretcher crying and saying “ mom please you have to get better you have to come home .” and she just looked at me with this blank stare in her eyes and said nothing. On the way to the hospital she had i think 7 sezuires and some more when they put her in a room. They put her in ICU and put her in lock down beacuse she became viloent. The next day i went and seen her she still had this blank stare in her eyes. But she knew who i was...my mom was strapped downt to her bed beacuse she was trying to rip out everything she was hooked up to. I was about 13 years old ? Could you imagine seeing your mom like that at 13 years old ? So after a week or so they finally let her go home. My dad had locked all her pills in a lock box hide the lock box and he was going to start giving her her pills. Well a few days went by and my mom began searching for the lock box and i guess she had found it and figured out the passcode for it..... i came home from a friends house and there was 2 abluance sitting in front of my house so of course i rush into the house to find my dad,multiple paramedics doing CPR on my mom in her bed. She had overdosed again and actually went into respatory faluire this time. While the EMT was doing CPR my dad was cheaking her body for some reason....well my mom had gotten fenna patches..mind you your only suposse to put ONE on...she had 1 on each of her ankles, 1 on each of her shoulders and one on her chest, and my dad had also found cut up patches in the bathroom she had been sucking the pain medication out of the patches. And to be honest i dont remeber what happend after that. I know they took her to the hospital but that is all i rember. She came home and of course again we all are watching her. And shes walking around the house like nothing ever happned like everything was just fine ! Fast foward a few months things have “ calmed down “ at the house i guess you could say or at least we thought...i came home and my brother told me he went upstairs to check on mom and she had fallen alseep with a ciggarette in her mouth and the bed was starting to catch on fire my brother had to throw a melted bowl of ice cream on it to put it out. She would node off alot. Thats how i leanred how to drive... my mom would fall asleep at the wheel and i would have to drive. I started driving when i was about 13 years old. Around this time my sister was also 9 months pregnat. ( my story is all over the place sorry guys ) BEFORE my sister got pregnat my sister was also a addict and lived with her boyfriend at the time so she wasnt really around for alot of this, but when she was home her and my mom would fight SO BAD i mean fist fight..throw things at eachother and i would have to break it out. Anyways my sister was about to pop ! And she finally had my wonderful, amazing, beautiful niece. All was “ well “ once she was born my sister moved back home my mom was pretty concentrated on the baby. Fast foward a few months... me, my sister, my mom were talking about my niece and how she had started crawling and my mom got this look in her eye and just began to cry and said “ i dont remeber that.” even tho my mom was right there cheering her on and she cralwed. THAT is when my mom decied to go to rehab she didnt want to miss watching her grow up. So she went to this rehab that was actually pretty far away and she stayed there for along time...at that time i was in highschool i had to drop out. I felt like i needed to stay home and help my dad and keep a eye on him as well so he didnt relapse beacuse when he got home from dropping my mom off at rehab he walked into the house and grabbed me and hugged me as he cryed on my shoulders and said “ that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.” so i was scared he was going to relapse. Now let me just say for the record i was not a good child by all means while all this was going on with my mom and dad i was out drinking every single night partying, and also popping pills. I thought i was just out being a teenage tho yano ! having fun living my life but now i know i was trying to numb the pain, earse these horrible memories. I was hangin out with the wrong people at the wrong time and i got caught stealing from a store... all my “ friends “ i was with bailed on me and left me to get caught. They called my mom she came up to the sore and said “ we can eaither band her from the sore or call the cops.” my mom told them to call the cops.. i was about 16-17 at this time. Cops came the store pressed charges on me. I had to go to court and all that great stuff. Well they were so close to sending me to a juvinal center but my mom and dad were sobbing and i think thats what got me out of that. Instead i got placed on probsation, had to do community service, substance abuse classes and i had a curfew. Mind you summer had JUST BEGAN. So at this time i was so pissed at my mom for making them call the cops yes i know she was trying to teach me a lesson. The first day i was on probation what did i do? I went out and got really really really drunk with friends, I was suposse to be in the house by 6pm every single night. Was i home at 6pm? no. my probation officer would call my house to make sure i was home and she did.... she was calling my phone along with my parents trying to figure out where i was and why i wasnt home. I was to drunk to care. All my frinds knew what was going on and they knew i was suposse to be home so they began trying to talk me into going home. And i just got angry at them beacuse i didnt want to go ! I remeber my one friend telling me “ get in the car we are runnning to the store.” so im like okay! they put me in the back seat and the turned all the child locks on and i quickly knew what was going on...i began screaming and crying and trying to kick out the windows of my friends car. So they finally got me home i was so drunk and angry by the time i got into my house my parents called amblunace to come take me to the hospital beacuse they thought i had alcholo poisning. All i rember is that amblunace coming and that is it. So after a night in the hospital...i think? I came home had to go see my probation officer of course whitch she then put me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. I was so upset and mad !!! ( But i did it to myself ) So my friends and boyfriend at the time would have to come over and sit at my house if they wanted to hangout. IT SUCKED !!!! So over this course of time i became really depressed and started cutting myself. But let me tell you i sure did learn my lesson i never ever again even thought about stealing ever again! Oh and before ALL OF THIS happened ( like i said sorry guys this is all over the place ) i had lost my grandmother when i was about 11 my grandma was my best friend. my grandparents had this beatiful house in lexington and let me tell you we were SPOILED KIDS! I would get so excited to go there to see my grandma, god she was just amazing and beautiful and the sweetest thing in the world !!! My grandma then got sick she had a anyersum whitch caused a stoke. she then lost the ability to speak and movment on parts of her body. After that happened she was in the hospital for a while, she came home and i rember her just having this huge smille on her face and she started talking to me and i couldnt understand what she was trying to say to me... i was heartbroken, scared, confused i didnt understand why she sounded like this? But i just hugged her crying and knodding my head. After a while you could start to understand what she was trying to say. After her stroke she LOVED to hum she would just hum all day long and she was still so happy !!! I can her her beautiful humming till this day. But then grandma had gotten even more sick...cancer. And she passed away. I remeber coming home from my aunts house and everyone was standing in my kitchen my dad, mom, sister, my other two aunts, and my grandpa. I remever feeling excited beacuse i thought “ yay grandma is here !” but everyone was crying... My dad told me to sit down, and my grandpa started to say “ hunny grandma..... and before he could finish i dropped to my knees sobbing. My grandmas death really took a toll on my like i said she was my best friend. Okay so going back again sorry guys ! around the time my mom and dad just got out of rehab, it was about 10pm at night and i was texting a few of my frends they were all together at a frineds house drikning and they wnated me to come over. So i went and asked my mom if they could come pick me up and i rember my mom saying” no ! it so way to late your not leaving !” so of course i got all mad and texted them i couldmt come, And the friend i was texting at the time was all upset beacuse they were on their way to come get me and blah blah blah ! he then texts me and says “ okay well we are going to go to the store instead then.” i remeber texting him back and telling him “ is that a good idea?please be careful and put your seat belt on!” he texted me back “ i will.” So a few hours went back and he wouldnt awnser my texts or pick up his phone. I thought okay maybe they all passed out drunk and went to sleep. so i went to bed. in the morning i woke up to about 28 missed called and about 30 somthing messages from a buncha of people telling me to call them asap ! I went downstairs and on the news was a bad accident a couple of teenagers had wrapped there car around a tree last night. Those couple of teenagers were the ones i was texting the night before... my heart sank i called everyone back that had called me thinking “ no this isnt real ! “ and they had all confirmed that had passed away. A few months had passed and i started getting messages on myspace at the time and texts from random people telling me “ it should have been me in the car, it was my fault they died.” and i totally thought it was my fault they were dead for years. Nowwww fast foward to when i turned 19-20 ? I had met this guy and started hangin out with him alot ! and i am still with him have been for almost 10 years. I moved in with him, his mom and grandma about 6 months into our realshonship. We spent every single day togehter i grew very close with his family. Fast foward about a almost a year we were downstairs watching tv with his mom and grandma like we always did everynight ! And all the sudden his grandma couldnt see out of her left eye, so we rushed her to the hospital come to find out she was having stroke beacuse she had abrain anersuym. So she was suposse to have brain surgery to get it removed a few months after they had found it. She had started to develope demintcha she would think my boyfriend who was 23 at the time was a baby and she would think she would have to go change his dipar. She would ask where my boyfriends dad is all the time and mind you he passed away from lung cancer when my boyfiend was 12. So it was really scary seeing that stuff. Fast foward a couple months the day before her srugery had came ! we were all really nervouis about it of course but not her she was a bad ass. She was just like yeah whatever ! So we all went to bed early beacuse we obvisally had to be up early to go to the hospital the next day. Well we got woken up by my boyfriends mom busting into our room screaming “ shes not waking up she wont get up.” my boyfriend ran downstairs while i sat upstairs trying to comfort his mom, then my boyfriend yelled for me to call 911. At this time we lived in a apartment that was likke a damn bomb shelter so we had no serive in that place. so i grabbed my phone and i ran downstairs to call 911 and there i seen him performing CPR on his grandmother. The ambluance arrived and again tryed bringing her back. But she was gone, she had passed away in her sleep the day before her surgery. As we sat around her body for HOURS waiting for the corner to get there. I think that is when it all started for me... just how fast it can happen like that...one day your here the next your not. That is when my fear of death started. Fast foward to about 2018. My grandma ( my moms mom ) had gotten sick, we all thought it was nothing and she was bounce right back like she always did ! she was a strong itlitan women ! But then we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors said she had it for along time and it has taken over her lungs. Mind you my grandma always had a TERRIBLE hacking cough but she had always had that ever since i remebered !!! but that terrible cough was the cancer taking over her lungs. And the only reason she went to the doctors is beacuse she was a having a pain in her back and she was getting really out of breath and thats when they found it. I remeber i was at work when i found out, i texted her and said “ grandma youll get thru this, you have to get thru this i need you !” and she repiled “ dont worry sweetheart ill be just fine.” about a week later my grandma was in hospis. It took that short of time for the cancer to actaully spread to her bones and she got stage 2 bone cancer. One day we were all up there visiting her beacuse we knew she didnt have long and she knew it too.... the preiset came in and read her her last rights. And let me tell you that was the most saddest thing to watch and hear. To just know this man is hear to read me this beacuse i am going to pass away anyday now....after that my grandmother began deterating quickly, she slept 90% of the time, she didnt eat, didnt drink, she couldnt open her eyes. They had her on a 24 hour morphine drip just to keep her comfotable. We were all up there every single day. My mom and aunt would take turns staying the night at the hospital. Till one night my dad and uncle talked them into just coming home and getting some rest and they could go back tomorrow. That night nobody was there my grandma passed away in her sleep at 4am. The doctor said she had been waiting to be left alone so nobody had to be there when it happened. Its been 3 years now since my grandma has been hgone and god damn do i miss her. Now at this time me, my boyfriend and his mom had moved into this old farm house we were renting out from this TERRIBLE lady ! but we had no where to go. This house was fallling apart the windows wouldnt open, the floors were snking in, the foundation was cracking, there was mold in the back room, we had propain heat and this house was NOT ventailed well at al.... like i said it was like a old 70s farm house... and we had well water. After about a year of living there i became really sad and thats when i noticed my anxiety. The house just didnt feel like home. We were about 30 minutes from the closest store it just sucked. and the landlord was terrible she would always yell at us for shit even tho we tryed fiixng that house up the best we could ! i scrubbed that house from top to bottom ! we re-painted i re-did the enire outside put in some flowers and what not to make it look some what decent. But she still treated us like shit. We always lost power, the wind would blow the wrong way and boom no power, the winders were very cold like i said we had propain heat and the only heater was in the living room the pipes would freeze if we didnt have the water running. We lived on a dirt road whitch in the winter time was nothing but a sheet of ice. And at this time me and my boyfriend both didnt have jobs we had just moved there. So i finally got a job at tacobell...worst mistake ever. That job broke me down til there was nothing left of me. It made me angry,sad and stresssed ! And i did it for 6 years ONLY beacuse my boyfriend had yet to find a job.... he went without a job for a long time.... and i was the only one with a car so everything felll on me....to cleaning the house, to working, everyone using my car, me buying things for myself, him and his mom. It was just realy stressfull. But that is when i noticed my anxiety getting alittle worse well at the time i didnt know it was anxiety but i ended up doing tones of research on it and everything pointed to anxiety. I woulld have panicattacks here and there but not very offten, and they were really random as well. And i was able to control them and my anxiety with home remidies and what not! But i have always been the person to stress before theres even stress to stress about but i never thought anything of it i just thought it was me stressing out ! And looking back now i would always have to clean the house and get things done when i planned to do it and it wasnt just vaccuming or dusting it was scrubbing the walks doing all the laundry, re organzing things, i would get home from work at 4pm and literally not stop untill about 10-11pm at night. so i was always on the go always ! i was working 50 hours a week, i was a store manager at the time so everything at the sore fell on me as well. So fast foward to november 2018 around that time i had noticed my attacks becoming more frequent. My boyfrind had finally found a good job and i was so excited i thought everything was going to change ! and 2 weeks into the job he quit, right back at sqaure one, at this point i had also leased a jeep so i now had 2 cars a truck and my jeep he was driving the truck, and of course it broke down and he never fixed it. so back to sqaure one with 1 car, things at work were becoming really stressfull with the holidays coming up so i was working alot more then 50 hours mind you i was salary so i only got paid for 8 hours. so stress from everything falling on me, him not working, the truck breaking, getting a new car, the winter ( i hate winter ), being depressed about living in that house and having no life beacuse i worked so much i was just a mess. So one night we go to sleep right everything was fine i was fine ! i had alittle cough so i took some cough medicine and went to sleep. We got woken up around 4am from his mom coming into our room telling us that his uncle ( her brother ) was in the hospital on life support, i was shocked and said but i was so tired i couldnt understand anything ! so my boyfriend jumped outta bed and went into the living rooom to see what happened. so it was 4am there was nothing we could really do, it was snowing like crazy so we all just tried going back to sleep. Now what had happened with his uncle is her had a tripple bypass i belive after he had a heartattack along time ago, his heart wasnt well, he was also diabetic and a heavyer set guy. He woke up in the middle of the night really cold i guess and his wife woke up and asked him what was wrong he said “ im really really cold !” so he got up to get a blanket and use the restroom, he then busted back into his bedroom telling his wife to call 911, so she did before she could even figure out what was hapeening. Well what was happenig his lungs were filling up with fluid and filling quickly, she was on the phone with 911 and he was begging her to tell them “ hurry i dont want to die .” he was sufforcating. By the time they got there he was blue and wasnt breathing he had died before they got there. Then in the amblanuce they brought him back and he crashed again. Then they got his to the hospital and got him back again but by that tiime it was to late he had went 17 minutes without any oxygen to his brain. His brain was swelling his lungs were stilling filing up with fluid. He was on life support for i think 3 days. So THAT morning i woke up and my entire life was flipped upside down.... i woke up having a TERRIBLE PANIC ATTACK i felt like my lungs had collapssed on me. I was having BAD disrealaztion whitch at the time i didnt even know excisted !!! So i woke up and ran outside beacuse before when i would have attacks i would go outside and it was ease up....not this time. My panic attack lasted about 1 hour i couldnt breath, i was so confused, i didnt know what was happening, my heart felt really weird, i felt like i didnt know what was going on around me, i was sweating, crying, hyperventalating, my hands started to go dumb and lock up on me. I finally calmed down a bit but i still felt SO WEIRD not only beacuse of the disrealazation but i just didnt feel like ME its like my brain just did a completely 180 on me, so we went up to the hospital to say our goodbyes to his uncle and what not, and the whole way there i was just freaking out beacues of the way i was feeling ! i remeber i was in the back seat and i HAD to be touching my boyfriends shoulder or i would just freak out ! We got to the hospital and i hugged everyone telling them how sorry i was.But after that its like i couldnt talk words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. we went into the room to see his uncle ( mind you hes on life supprort hooked up to all sorts of things ) and my boygfriend asked me “ are you okay are you going to be able to go in? “ i was like yeah i should be fine. So we went in and i wasnt fine....i just stood there in shock staring at his uncle beacuse we had just seen him and he was fine, laughing, joking around, picking on me like he always does! But now there he was having a machine help him breath, no brain activity, you could see his face swelling from the brain swelling. The whole room began to spin and i got really sweaty. I wanted to cry cuz i was really sad and upset about it ! he was a amazing man ! but i just couldnt nothing would come out !!! So after saying our goodbyes and talking to everyone we went home. Again i had to be touching my boyfriend in the back seat. We got home around 10pm i beliave and i started having these terrible attacks, i again felt like my lungs were collapssing but this time it felt really real my chest was hurting, my body was so tense i would barley move, i was so dizzy, i was this overwhelming feeling of just pure DOOM. I thought forsure i was going to die. i thought that was it. So my boyfriend rushed me to the hospital i could telll on his face he was scared too....i never had a attack like this not this strong. As we are driving im begging him to go faster as im grabbing my chest telling him i cant breath. We get to the hospital and i try to explain to them whats going on. so they take my vitals whitch were all normal i think ? i dont remember. and had me go sit back in the waiting room, i was still sobbing cuz i was so scared and i couldnt breath i was still grabbing my chest, i tryed sitting down but i couldnt its like my insides were crawling !! so i had to pase the hallway untill they called me back. they finally called me back i got into the room and they asked me yet again what was going on and i told them everything i was felling they hooked me up to a ECG, blood pressure cup and oxyen finger thingy. Mind you i still couldnt breath and this is going on about 2 hours now. i ripped everything off of me and i walked into the hallway begging the nurse to put oxygen on me. I dont know why but i thought it would help me ! and shes like “ i really dont think you need it your not pasty or blue but if it will make you feel better yes.” so she came in and put pxygen on me i began taking deep breaths hopping i would be able to breath again and slowky i was able to breath again, they ended up running TONES of blood work on me, chest xrays, EKGS and urine tests on me. and everything came back fine.there like you had a panic attaack. im like no ! i have had a panic attakc before it felt nothing like this !!! And they cointued to tell me theu found notrhing wrong at all. I was so fucking confused and scared so from there they gave me valium, first time i have ever had it ! and with in 10-20 minutes i was fine. really tired but fine ! i thought to myself “ okay that was just a really bad panic attack i was overwheilmed by everything going on ill go home go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine!” boy was i wrong.... i woke up having a terrible panic attack again, disrealazation was still with me strong as ever. I just kept thinking to myself this cant be happening to me again i am dying !!!! This one lasted about 1 hour and after that i was really tired but i still was feeling really weird really off like somthing just wasnt right !!! from that night on i had at least 4 panic attacks a day and inbetwwen those panic attacks i was having anxiety attavcks. i was in the ER almost everyday. in the matter of 3 months i was in the ER at least 60 times.and each time they found nothing. I began going to other hosptails beacuse i thought they werent looking hard enough i literally thought i was dying from somthing. disrealaztion for me lasted about 2 months straight. Then i started to get horrible memory loss, terrible night sweats, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i wasnt eating or drinking. so everytime i would go to the hospital they would pump me full of fluids. when i started getting the memory loss i was freaking out even more i was conviced somthing was wromg with my head thats why this was all happening i have a tumor or somthing i thought to myself !!! so off to the hospital we went.... they did a nuero exam on me and said everything looked great and did stroke tests on me too said all looked fine ! i began crying hysterically. Then the dr said would you feel better if we did a CT scan, i said yes please !!! so they did so. all came back clear. I was so confused again and frustarted i didnt understand what was happening !!!! And the memory loss contuined to get worse so i went to the hiospital a few more times for it i had another CT scan a few months after that, still all clear. At this point in time i became obssesed in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with him ! I started googling none stop, reading books about anxiety, listing to popcasts, i began trying everything, journaling, mediataing, cut out all caffine, trying essental oils, breathing techinques you name it ive tryed it. Nothing seemed to help. I decied to go see a physcaligist ive never went thru any of this before so i didnt know what to expect. He asked me a bunch of queshtions but before he would even start asking me queshtions i started crying. So by the end of it i was dignosed with GAD, ocd and depression. He put me on lexapro and ativan. I took the lexapro for a week and it made every 10 times worse i couldnt take it anymore. At that point i decied to try the natural route and bought $50 worth of supplemts that didnt help. So i seen a diffrent physcartist beacuse i didnt really like him. She added another great ole trate to my diganoses health anxiety. She put me on paxil and ativan. The ativan is the only thing that kept me sane. It was like once i took the ativan all my problems fadded away but once it wore off i was full of anxiety again. Now here we are 7 months later. Still in and out of the hospital not as much. Still on paxil 30mg and ativan 1mg twice a day. Still fearing that i am dying every single day. I didnt belive the doctors so i took it apon myself to go see all these specialist, i just had this gut feeling like my body was telling me somthing was wrong !!! ( still do ) So i started off with a nueroligst told him all my smyptoms done and by the end of the vist he wanted me to get 13 diffrent tests done. So lets see if i can remeber them all... i had brain and nack MRI, a brain MRA, EMG, nerve testings on my legs and arms, some inner ear testing, VAG test, a test to see if i was having sezuires and theres more i just cant remeber them all. But at the end of it nothing was found but polyps in my sinus cavity, a vistbular disorder and thats it. Then i went on to see a rhymotligist where she testsed me for every autoammone diease possible, also arthrits and FYBO. she found nothing but slight carppel tunnel in my right wrist. Then i went and seen a ears, nose and throat docotor, he found a lump in my thyroid that i JUST had biopsied 3 days ago and waiting for the results. I also seen a cardioligist i wore a halther monitor for 2 days they found nothing but a few PVCS and one SVT, i had a stress test done whitch came back perfect and a echo whitch where they found a thicking of one of my artires but he said it wasnt effecting me at all and i probaly was born with it and my body has learned to work around it. I also seen a vision specialst and my eyes are fine just need new glasses. So like i said i now take 30mg of paxil 1mg of ativan and i make doctor appts on the regular still beacuse im still not convinced this is anxiety. I am suposse to see the nureoligist in sept. for a fallow up but i made a earlier appt beacuse of the symptoms im still having im still convined somthing is wrong with my head. And mind while all this is first starting im still trying to work at the job were i work 50 hours a week as a store manager, i had to demote myself to assistant manager beacuse i couldnt handle it anymore, and i was barley at work beacuse i was always at the hospital. so about 3 months after demoting myself they fired me. So me and my boyfriend were both without a job so lets add that on. So i had this brillant idea of moving..... i thought maybe its beacuse of this house we are in maybe thats my issue ! So i went out put a down payment on a brand new trailer and we moved smack dab in the middle of winter. But yet i still felt terrible, i wasnt even excited about moving i felt nothing. i felt numb to everything. So hear i am still suffering each and everyday in this new trailer. I did have a job but i recently just quit it 2 days ago. I couldnt stand working there i felt like it was bringing me down more. but the plus side of that is i have 4 interviews on monday ! oh and my boyfriend HAD a awesome job landscpaing making good money ! and he quit that about 2 weeks ago. We still are with 1 car ( mine ) beacuse he has yet to fix the truck. Ive been on paxil for about 3 months now and ativan for about 4 months. The paxil has helped ease the anxiety alot. the ativan is the only thing that keeps me sane. But i still suffer everyday. i am so depressed. i am not the person i once was. I use to love being outside doing things, i loved cleaning beacuse it calmed me and i felt better after doing so, i use to love having fun and laughing i use to love working ! i was the person that ALWAYS had to be doing somthing. But now i am the complete oppisite. i dont know what it feels like to be truley happy anymore, to laugh, to smile, to not be scared or worried. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal anymore. I wake up everyday wishing, hoping, praying today will be a good day, but it never is. Anxiety or whatever this is hit me like a god damn fright train and has totally ruined my life and who i am. I know this was a super long post but i need to know im not the only one out there feeling these things. I need to know i am not dying, i am not crazy. Is a anxiety disorder really THIS BAD ?! Thanks so much for reading guys and please please please feel free to reach out. im going to list my symptoms below. And im going to try to keep posting. Thanks guys.

Everyday symptoms:

when i wake up in the morning or from a nap i feel really weird and spacey.

Night sweats

Blurry vision

shaking

memory loss

mood swings

genreal feeling of just fear

always on edge

crying spells

my body aches ( almost feel as if my body is bruised on the inside)

ALWAYS TIRED

back and neck pain and stiffness

my legs and arms randomly go tingly

pee ALOT

sleep alot

i dont remeber my dreams

overwhelming saddness

my head offten feels weird, its a feeling i cant even explain it feels like my brain is just going to shut down

ears ring

headaces

brain fog

somtimes when i wake up in the morning i feel swollen but my body isnt actutaly swollen

heart palpations

twitching/cramps

i sweat alot

my appetite is eaither there or its not

random dizzy spells

pressure in my head

feel the need to do somthing but not sure what it is

lost all intrest in everything

always thirsty

feeling like anxiety or health issues are always on my mind

i dont talk much anymore

i have isolated myself from almost everyone

no sex drive

constant reassurance

craving for sugar

cant figure out my triggers ( this causes alot of anxiety )

WHEN IM HAVING A ATTACK:

my mind goes blank or my thoughts race

half the time i cant understand my thoughts

i think and feel like im going to die

body tenses up

hyperventalate

the strong urge to just give up

fear that this will be my life forever

I USE TO GET A RACING HEART BUT NOW I DONT*** now i just feel like my heart beats funny and i get palpations here and there

uncontroble crying

this scary feeling whitch im assuming is impending doom

sudden urge to pee

feeling like my body is just shutting down

my memory seems to get worse in the middle of a attack

i recently started having suicidel thoughts

thinking about whats going to happen later or tomorrow ( how im going to feel what im going to do )

i get so upset that i am having a attack and cant figure out why so i will try to think of why im having a attack

#anxitey #mental health #anxiety sucks #depression

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whipped-for-kpop-fics · 7 years ago

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EXO in a secret relationship

You had been in a relationship with him for a few months already but yet, it still remained a secret. At first, it was just that way to keep you out of the public's view, as far away from jealous "fans" as possible; but, as time progressed you kind of liked having a little secret to share. You weren't too bothered about the fact nobody knew your man was in a relationship, let alone with you, because when he still turned down all advances despite not needing to for public perceptions sake, it showed you how much he cared for you. He'd never purposefully do anything to hurt you so that's why you were more than happy to sneak him into your bedroom for the night (sexual activities in mind or not) on multiple occaisons. Usually, he'd be up relatively early and out of sight before your parents could even begin to suspect you had company but your luck had to run out eventually.

You had started early classes so of course, you had to be up and gone earlier than usual so you decided to let him sleep in as he rarely got the chance to. You trusted him with everything you owned, even your social media so you figured hey, what could go wrong.

You had only been gone less than half an hour when your parents called up to make sure you were up and getting ready for class. Of course, you didn't answer so your mum heads up the stairs and to your room to find you gone and him in your place.

Baekhyun He's still deep asleep when your mum knocks the door so she opens it. The second she sees a male sleeping in your bed, she screams in fright, not recognising Baekhyun at first. Baekhyun awakes screaming too, frightened. He bolts up, jumping to stand on the bed, still screaming with his fists up ready to fight whoever he needed.

"Bae-Baekhyun?" Your mother finally stammers out. He dropped his arms to his sides and jumps off the bed to look at her with a polite yet embarassed smile. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Uh, Y/N let me stay...so I can get some sleep...because the guys are noisy..." He lied somewhat smoothly. Smooth enough that your mum, who had known him since he was little, just nodded in understanding.

"Next time let me know and I'll set up the guest room for you." She smiled wamrly then. "Would you like some breakfast?" Baekhyun grins enthusiastically and joins your parents for breakfast in the kitchen, the three laughing about embarassing stories from when the two of you were little.

Chanyeol He heard someone call your name but didn't register you weren't there to answer them at first. It took until there was knocking on your door for him to turn over and sit upright, looking around for you. The door opened and he looked over it wide eyed, glad he had slept in pajama's the previous night.

"Who are you?" Your mother asked instantly, getting ready to run if she felt threatened.

"I-I'm Chanyeol." He answered jumping out of bed to bow politely. "I'm a friend of Y/N's."

"Oh, the gay one?" Chanyeol looked up at her like a deer in headlights. She giggled. "Don't worry, no judging here."

"Uh, th-thank you."

Your mother proceeded to tell Chanyeol stories about her curious days in college and Chanyeol hated to admit it but, he foudn your mum hot and hearing that she had a lot of girl on girl experimentation, well he couldn't wait to see you that night to use some of her techniques in bed.

Chen Screams like a motherfucker the second the door opens while he's trying to untangle himself from the bedding. Your father sprints upstairs, thinking it was your mother who screeched, thinking she was in pain.

"What the-?"

Hearing your fathers deep voice, Chen paniced and flailed, falling off of the bed and onto the floor with a thud. You got your caring side from your mother Chen learned as she rushed over to help him up, checking he was alright.

"Don't be kind to the boy, we just found him in our daughters bed." Your father growled.

"Uh, I did nothing inappropriate to her last night." Chen defended and he wasn't lying. Last night, you two had fallen asleep pretty fast, it was the other nights your parents should've been concerned about.

"Oh leave him alone." Your mother scolded. "I believe him." Chen was shocked but smiled at the same. Despite your mother being as warm adn welcoming as a person can in that circumstance, Chen didn't stick around but with your father glaring daggers at him constantly, who could blame him.

Kai Dead to the world until he's being physically removed from your bed. "Huh?" He looks around confused, his body still too relaxed from slumber to even begin to fight the strong hands dragging him out of your room and down to the front door by his t-shirt. Next thing he knows, he's staring at the wooden door that just slammed in his face. It takes him a few moments to fully register what just happened and when he does, his whole face turns red. He backs up and rushes down the drive, screaming as something suddenly landed by his feet. He looks down to see his shoes. He scrambles to pick them up, turning to see your father glaring from your open bedroom window. Kai gives an awkward smile of thanks before speed walking away. When he stops out of view, he starts to laugh. It was certainly an interesting way to start the day but he certainly hoped it would never happen again.

Kyungsoo (D.O) Honestly, I don't think Kyungsoo would sneak up to your room if you live with your parents so lets say it's your room mate that walks in instead.

Kyungsoo was already up and ready to leave when the door opened. He froze, metres away, meeting the gaze of your room mate.

"Oh..." She spoke surprised. "I didn't know Y/N had a guy over."

"Uh yeah..." He replied not sure what else to say.

"That's a first." Kyungsoo couldn't help but smile to himself, feeling extra special and loved as he was the first guy you had ever taken back to your place. "Y/N must really like you." Kyungsoo's cheeks tinged pink and he couldn't fight his smile that time. "Aw, you're so cute, no wonder you're the first allowed to enter this room." She giggled. "Well, I won't keep you, whoever you are." She stepped aside. Kyungsoo thanked her politely and bid a short goodbye before rushing out, his stomach full of butterflies with what he just leanred about your feelings for him.

Sehun Even though he acts like such a brat sometimes, he doesn't want your parents to think badly of him for when you finally introduce him, or them to think badly of you either for that matter. The second he hears footsteps approaching, he gathers his stuff and throws it under the bed, climbing under after it. Straight up hides until your parents leave for work because your mum left your bedroom door wide open and he didn't want to risk being caught.

As soon as he's alone, he scrambles out and gets dressed, leaving using the spare key he knew you kept in your sock drawer because you had a habit of leaving yours at other peoples houses.

No doubt leaves you a whiney voicemail about how he's never staying at yours again because he's pretty sure he almost died of heart attack under your bed and he doesn't want to die under there with your old school books and forgotten CDs from your various teenage stages. It makes you giggle when you listen to it on your break. You send him a text promising that next time you won't leave him alone and he didn't even need to negotiate. It was the perfect problem solver in his mind. He wouldn't be in that stomach turning situation again but he wouldn't have to sacrifice holding your body against his as he slept.

Suho

Like Kyungsoo, he wouldn't sneak around behind your parents backs like that. Even if you were a secret to the whole world, he'd want to make sure your parents approved of him and your relationship.

So, he'd think that your parents are aware that he spent the night but, you knew they wouldn't approve of that quite yet so you neglected to tell them that little detail.

Suho would've been up and ready for a while, just needing to put his shoes on and leave but you had a book that grabbed his interest so he got distracted. The next thing he knew, an hour had passed and your mum was stood at the foot of the bed, looking at him expectantly. He'd put down the book and apologise for not noticing her at first.

"Maybe you should explain what you're doing here, Junmyeon." She suggested firmly. His eyes would widen.

"I-I thought you knew." He confessed. Your mother could see the genuine horror on his features upon learning his presence hadn't been shared with her. "I am so sorry." He quickly gathers his shoes and puts hte book back. "I'l leave immediately and talk to Y/N when class is over. I was lead to beleive you knew I stayed the night."

"I'm not entirely surprised she didn't tell us, she knew we wouldn't be happy about it."

"Once again, I apologise-"

"No, don't worry, I trust you're telling me the truth." She smiled lightly, calming him. "Also, I trust you with my child, Junmyeon. On the other hand, I do not turst Y/N to be honest with me and for that, if this happens again, I will not be happy."

"I understand."

"So next time, I expect you to ask for permission." He looked at her confused and she smiled lightly. "Like I said, I trust you but my husband on the other hand, he might be a bit harder to convince."

"I will do my best."

"Wonderful, now return to your reading. Y/N's father will be leaving shortly, you can come downstairs then." She turned and left. Suho took her advice and returned to the book.

(I didn’t find a gif I liked enough so here have two, 1 for Junmyeon reading and the other for suhoe)

Xiumin Honestly, Xiumin probably woke when you climbed out of the bed. He'd tidy up whatever mess you two may've cause, legit probs none, and then wait for you to finish getting ready. Once you were ready, you'd go down to talk to your parents and distract them so Xiumin could sneak out without them noticing. He'd run around the corner to collect his car then pick you up in front of your house and drive you to class, after stopping at the coffee shop first of course.

But if for some reason, he didn't wake up and was still in bed when your mum entered, all he'd need to do is smile that adorable smile at her and everything would be a-okay. Or ya know , let her see that he doesn't sleep with a shirt on so she can appreciate dat bod

Yixing (Lay) Also one that wouldn't sneak around with your parents involved so let's go back to the room mate scenario.

But honestly though, he'd probably sleep through the whole ordeal. We all know Yixing is a sleepy pup so he'd be zonked when your room opens and your room mate walks in. They might not even notice it's not you at first because he doesn't move and caries on sleeping.

"Hey, Y/N, I'm just going to borrow your jacket." They announce. No answer. "Y/N." They sigh in annoyance when there is still no answer. They finally turn and look at your bed. "Who the hell are you?!" They yell, startling Yixing away with a yelp.

"I'm Lay!" He answers automatically.

"Wait, Lay? As in, the singer?" Yixing nods sleepily. "Holy shit. Okay, I thought Y/N was joking about being close with you. A lot closer than I realised. Damn son, okay." They nod and hold up your jacket. "Uh, I'm going to borrow this, if you're still here when Y/N gets back, let 'em know."

"Uh, okay." Yixing simply nods and watches your room mate leave. The second the door shuts, Yixing flops back down and pulls your pillow close to him so he can inhale your scent and he drifts back to sleep.

Thank you for the request anon!

Hope you guys like it

Also just want to quickly say I’m shook at the fact so many of you liked my Jungkook birthday smut like I didn’t expect that hella thanks my loves

I’m thinking of writing a smut for every idol birthday??? but I’m really bad at birthdays so chances are I won’t remember/be aware of most idol birthdays. I know Namjoon’s is soon tho and I have an idea for that if you guys are interested in Rap Monster smut, stay tuned, it may be a 2 part dealio, both smut yes

~ Admin Chee

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lazymilkshakecolor · 7 years ago

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ly This is my headcanon about what would have happened if the house didn’t break.

''It's cause we have you Sarada.’’

the ground towards her mother, who was giving her daughter a reassuring smile.

Sarada suddenly felt guilty about the terrible things she said to her mother.

''Mama I'm sorry I said those things, it's just that-that…'' a sob cut sarada's speech.

''It's just not fair for you is it? You see everybody with their fathers all the time, you are constantly reminded that Sasuke isn't here with us and that only makes the pain you feel worse, right?''

Sarada was taken aback by her mother's analyses of her feelings, but she is her mother.

Sarada nodded while rubbing furiously at her eyes.

Sakura walked over to sarada, crouched down to her height and pulled her head towards her neck.

''Listen Sarada, Papa thinks about us every second of every minute of every day, he didn't and will not forget us.''

Sakura felt Sarada relax against her, which means that she succeeded once again at easing sarada out of her worries.

Sakura kissed Sarada head while thinking about something that she was contemplating a year ago.

'Tomorrow, I'll go to Naruto's office and ask him to tell Sasuke to meet me.'

She was sure her husband won't refuse to meet her, and he won't refuse to meet Sarada if she tells him about the pain she's feeling because of his absence.

''Mama?''

''Yes Sasa-chan?''

''The sheets are dirty again.''

''Oh fucking great!''

''Mama!''

''Sorry honey.''

''You'd think someone who founded a children's hospital would have better language.''

Sakura decided that until Sasuke comes she should tell Sarada a little more about her father.

''You're father used to say the same thing.''

The girl beamed, excited about leanring something new about her father.

''Really?''

''Yeah, he was always like.'' Sakura stood up and put a stoic expression on her face before she said in a husky voice and teasing tone, '' ' Very ladylike Sakura' or when he's in a particular teasing mood he'd call me ' pink sailor'… ''

Sakura stopped talking upon noticing the large smile on her daughters face, her daughter wasn't cold, but it was rare to see her smile like that.

''Why did you stop, tell me something else.''

Sakura pocked her daughters forehead before speaking.

''Later Sarada, maybe after I finish the laundry again.''

''Ohh, then I'll help you.'' Sarada said while rubbing the place where her mother's fingers used to be.

Three days later.

‘‘Tadaima Sarada.’‘

‘OKaeiri mama.’‘

Sarada said, her mother was runing late so she started cooking the rice.

‘‘Tadaima’‘

Sarada startled, the voice was clearly a man’s voice, but why would it say tadaima, this is only her and her mother’s home, except...

Sarada dropped the wooden spoon in the sink and ran towards the doorway.

Could it be...

‘‘Sarada.’‘ The tall man with black eyes and black hair just like hers said.

‘‘Papa?’‘ There was no mistaking it, he looked like a grown up version of the man in the picture they have.

Sasuke nodded, obviously nervous.

Sarada ran towards her father and wrapped her arms around him tightly, Sasuke leaned down and wrapped his lone arm around her.

‘‘Papa, papa, papa’‘ the girl repeated as tears came to her eyes, her arms tightened around Sasuke’s form, as if afraid he will run away.

‘‘Sara.’‘ Sasuke whispered in the girls ear, ‘‘ I never forgot you.’‘

Sakura told him about what Sarada said and what she said struck a cord, cause he knows what it feels like to be neglected by a father, or to think to be neglected by a father, and h swore he will not let his daughter feel like this, even if it meant going throught the torture of saying goodbye again.

#sarada uchiha #sakura uchiha #sasusaku #sakura haruno #sasuke uchiha #uchiha family #SSS #fanfict #ion #fanfic

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anything-advice-blog · 8 years ago

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Submission - Six week rush

Time sensitivity - I enrolled in two six week courses online and I’m a new college student. One of the classes is Japanese which is a something I always wanted to do but I want to learn a little independently on my own so when I first start the course I won’t be as stressed. I’m not a good independent learner but due to my chronic pain I’m stuck with online. Both teachers are decent reviews and some scary ones like run save your gpa. I have depression and when I get bummed I don’t think very positive. I’m in a crunch because time is almost running out. I need advice on doing college work and time management and learning a new language independently. I’m a first time college student. Do you think starting a studylbr could keep me motivated and a positive space?

I think if you think it might help you and that’s something that actually works for you, then there’s no harm in trying. You may find that it helps or maybe you’ll realise that it’s too much work and definitely isn’t worth your time doing. Whatever it is, I don’t think it would be wrong to give it a shot. Studying techniques and motivational techniques vary from person to person so just because it works for someone else doesn’t necessarily mean it will for you. But there is no way you’ll know until you’ve tried it.

So give it a shot and see if it’ll keep you motivated. I think seeing other bloggers and using their inspiration as your own may actually prove to be helpful. You may be able to talk to a fellow blogger who might be taking similar courses or steal some tips from them as well!

As for the teachers, what are the reviews actually saying though? Because I've had hard teachers who just teaches hard materials and expect a higher level of thinking than other teachers. However, I've also had bad teachers who don’t teach and expect the students to still understand that materials presented. So if the reviews are complaining about the load work then it’s going to be different than if the reviews are complaining about the difficulty of the tests or maybe even the attitude of the teacher. Really look into them if that’s what you’re going to base your decision to take the class on. I think for most classes if you do your work, ask questions when you’re confused, and get help when you’re stuck, then you should be able to get through with a good grade. If you feel that the materials may be a little difficult, don’t wait to get a tutor or study partner. It’s better to be ahead than behind.

Leanring a new language is very difficult. As someone who learned English as a second language, I can tell you with confidence that it will take a lot of work. You can be more linguistically challenged or it could come easily to you. Either way, it’s going to be a lot of work whether practicing pronunciation or spelling or whatever else. If you carve out enough time in your day to keep practicing it, I'm sure the class won’t be impossible to pass. With language, unlike math or science, you can only become better if you keep practicing every day. So the more time you spend on it, the better you’ll become.

As for time management, just remember to give yourself breaks when you need it. Your brain won't retain as much information if you’re stressed out or if you’re not getting enough sleep or sustenance. So take study breaks throughout the day. If you’re stuck on a topic, move onto the next and return to it later. It will help save time and get more things done than spending 5 hours staring at your math homework.

Since you’re taking an online class, it means that you’re not seeing your classes very often or at all. Try and reach out to a fellow classmate, still. It will help if you have someone in the class who can help study with you or explain lectures that you couldn’t quite understand. Remember to communicate with your teachers as well. Don’t wait until the last minute to email them a question on your homework or test.

Always by your side,

Kelly

#studyblr #online class #japanese #learning a new language #six week rush #submission #independent study #anomymous #kelly #answered #advice #advice blog #anything advice blog

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a425app · 5 years ago

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Interview 05

How are you?

Good.

What is your name?

Sean Wyatt

What is your age?

What gender do you identify as?

Male

What are the things that have been on your mind today?

Watercolor and various art projects. Dinner / what about dinner?/ what I am going to prepare and what other people want.

What's been the most enjoyable part your day so far?

Being able to spend time with people I love

Is there something you’re looking forward too?

Yes. It’s a couple of things, seeing a friend I haven’t seen in 35 years and taking care of cleaning the garage so I have space to do creative projects.

What is the most important thing that matters to you at the moment?

Health and wellbeing of myself and my family

Do you work? If so how many hours a week and what sort of job is it? / do you work on site or at home (or alternate location)

Retired

What are some things you like to do on the weekends?

Cook, bake. Go on a photoshoot, processing pictures, spending time with family, playing games. Getting out to parks, nature.

Is there something you do on the weekend that you don't do during the week?

What is your living situation like?

I live in a 3 bedroom duplex with two and a half other adults and three cats

is your living space organized to help you accomplish your tasks or goals, whatever they may be?

Not at all

If so, what does that look like to you?

If not do you wish it was?

Oh yes. /Look like to you?/ everything would be categorized according to activity and purpose and a place for everything and everything in its place. Allow to remove clutter. / so having a pretty tidy place would be important to you?/ Extremely.

/and you think that would help you accoplism your goals?/ absolutely

What are some of your goals for your daily life?

I try to achieve organization and creativity and take care of responsibilities without too much of a battle.

/any personal things?/ I wanna be the best artis and human being I can possibly be and I try to waork towards that.

/what about healthwise?/ I do try to eat healthy and try to take care of myself, no carbs little sugar.

What are some of your goals in general?

Would be to feel better and healthier and be able to experience more things like traveling and activities like building and creating.

What kinds of chores did you do during childhood/teenage years?

Everything pretty much. Self-sufficient from age 7 along with hold hold responsibilities, cleaning cooking, pets.

Would you say you actively seek out new things to try?

Everyday.

What are some things that make you feel proud of yourself?

When I am inspired by people or activities that I can share in. I can share in those experiences and I can add to those experiences

What activities give you the most satisfaction?

Experiencing nature, hiking, biking. Photography. Photographing experiences. I really love to play music. I really love music and being creative

What kinds of things do you to relieve stress?

Usually I work on project or activities. I keep busy. Or otherwise try to remove myaself from the stressful situation.

What is something you wish you had more time to do?

Being creative. Inventing paintintg, shooting, pet art projects. And of course spend time with others.

What kinds of things take up most of your time?

The usual daily activities. Cooking cleaning, shooping, helping others. Taking care of responsibilities.

How do you feel after you have completed a task.

Sometimes I feel realy really good then theres a certain reward if it’s a big taks but other tasks are more mundane and done come will any reward really beyaoind being able to say I completed them

How do you reward yourself?

I will indulge in activities I enjoy, I will try to give myself the time to spend in ways I really want to spend it for myself

How often do you successfully use these rewards to motivate yourself?

Dialy, when most activities are mundane you gotta have something to look forward too. I have too.

How much time do you take just for yourself?

I don’t take that much time that I would consider for myself. Hour-two

What are the most frustrating aspects of your daily activities/ day?

Trying to live a normal likfe but not be able too because of pain.

What time of day do you tend to do your work/chores?

Usually spread out. Usually earlier in the morning bewttwen 8-10am and in the afternoon between 3-6pm

Do you feel like you have a good balance between work and personal life?\

N/A

How consistent is your schedule?

Fairly so or moderately so. I would say I am on a schedule like 60% of the time.

Can you describe a typical day for you from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed?

Get upp

Make coffee

Take my medicine

See if there are any household needs

Take whatever time I can with family

Then usually household responsibilities

Prepping for dinner

Try to gersome creative or learning time in.

Watch some TV then bed

What time of day do you feel the most alert

Usually 2-3 hours after I wake up and how long it lasts varies

/happy?

Don’t have a perticulary time

What do you think having a routine means?

It means havind a consistant like list of things that you do on a regular basis.

Do you have a daily/weekly routine(s) If so, What are some of your daily/weekly routines?

Yeah, pretty much as outlined by my activities earlier

What tools do you use to plan or remind yourself of activities or a routine if any?

For daily ones usually notepad(comp.) or pad and paper. For more infrequent things I will use a calendar on my computer

Do you think having a daily routine would/does benefit you? Why or why not?

Absolutely.

Why?

Because then I could be sure what I was doing and when, it would help with my mental health

Have you done any research / read articles about having a routine?

Numerous.

How often would you say you search for things involving lifestyle: blogs, articles, magazines etc.

Daily

/how do you search for these things/ via google or social media

Would you be interesting in learning how to best establish and stick to a routine?

I believe everyone is different and that it’s a leanred process and everybody will be differet. I would like to know what would work best for me but I don’t know what that is. Which is why I research stuff all the time.

What would that look like to you?

I think the way I am doing it now is so far the best?

/how are you doing it right now?/ do to liststs, calendars and try to make sure that some routines that are shared routines are on the same page.

Do you use technology for planning and/or reminders?

Absolutely I use the calendar. It is a PC only program that is almost journal in nature.

If so, what are your favorite tools/programs?

No.

Why are those your favorite?

What are some of your favorite apps to use?

I don’t think I use any apps exceot for simple notpad and simple calendar

Why those? How do you use them? How often do you use them?

Would you use and app for keeping track of a routine?

Yes.

If you could make an app for keeping track of a routine what would be some of the features you would want?

Easily accessible – could access it anywhere at any time with any device, would need to be secure, be able to set alarms, reminders and reminder destinations, or push notifications, need to have a calendar,

journaling function – comments that attached to takes or goal or plan, as well as possible way to journal how they are feeling, stuff that happens after the fact.

good intuitive way to enter information - would remember past tasks and would automatically fill according to user

Have you ever failed to stick to a routine?

Yes

If so, why do you think that was?

Mostly because of mental and or physical limitations and consideratios for others

Do you have any medical conditions that you think might affect your ability to stick to a regular schedule or routine?

Yes

Do you think your profession has an impact on your routine?

The same

To what degree do you think other people impact your routine?

70%

Would you be more likely to do something if someone was holding you accountable?

If so what does that accountability look like?

If we came back in 5 years to have this conversation again, what would you like to be different?

Have more experiences had more time.

Would love to be 100% organized and have a less cluttered, simplified lifestyle

Is there anything I’ve missed that you would like to tell me?

Any questions?

What is this interview for?

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