#basil cptsd log

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With my appetite and energy back I feel like Robert Dawny Jr playing Tony Stark where he kept squirling away food and that's why Tony Stark is always snacking and eating in the movies.

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My house lacks nutrients and my mother is dieting or something and is literally eating tablesoons of food instead of proper meals to lose weight. So then my mother doesnt stock the house with food

I know i have to just take care of myself but i dont even have spending money on anything for myself.

And ive been having trouble doing anything of substance bc im battling kms again.

My teeth arent rotted but the intrusive thought is to pull out all my teeth.

I kinda want to cry. Im stressed the fuck out but people will tell me just fucking do it as if i can. I dont want to be at this point in my life either.

[inkingpink]

Feeling out of place again. I know you dont have to mesh with friendgroups 100% but i feel like such an outliar that it's not fun. Where do i fucking go.

I have 1 friend but she's an adult and busy, im not currently

Like why am I here lmao I dont feel like I fit. I feel like I fooled them or something. Like damn way to go liar and impostor. Yeah this is imposter syndrome isnt it.

Im so damn ornery all the time fuck

I dont fit anywhere

Im being twitchy also and havent slept all night. Fucking meself up ooooo

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I'll just make peace with the fact I dont fit in anywhere.

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Therapy appointment tomorrow. Cant sleep as usual. Brain bad. Body hurt. Everything bad.

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Me feeling like i dont belong keeps being a frequent trend that I keep talking about but there seems to be no fix.

Double edged sword because i think socializing is good for you, but i have trouble in the places im in right now

Like wtf.

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Fighting

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I have therapy appointment coming up and I have to tell him that I've not been doing anything and just been thinking of kms.

Im eating my meds and I'm doing alright, but because I'm not doing anything productive or anything that helps me out im like "i need to kms".

I don't know what im doing in my days. I'm not really taking care of myself and avoiding my mom and everything. I should attempt getting my life together but I can't get myself to, or force myself to, and i just dont want to(?)

Im wasting time and passing days rotting in bed. I don't want to be, I hate not doing something. But i can't get myself to do anything.

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Man actually i dont connect to anyone in terms of ptsd like fucking why lol this disconnect sucks wtf is wrong with me

No wonder I feel so fucking alone lmfao

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I need to say that I do have space and I do have value. Though I feel invalidated every day. It's so dumb why dont I feel like I belong.

I feel like my brain has dumped things I care or had and now I feel empty. I dont match anyone in interests or something, so i dont fit in that way.

Then i feel huge FOMO now because im being more told "you have to be there" rather than being included(???) How do I even tell people like "just tell me even tho i dont play/see. I want to be involved"

I'll just sit and be angry i fucking guess. I dont know how to read people and im fucking tired and i cant sleep. Im so bothered fucking fuck

[inkingpink]

I have a dissasociative problem because of cptsd

My mother keeps scolding me and insulting me even tho im an entire adult. People will say "aw parents will always see their kids as their baby" but this frustrates me more because i don't think people understand and statements like this is what keeps pushing my mom's harmful behavior under the rug.

My mother is literally infantilizing me and constantly ignoring my autonomy. This is farther than "oh parents will always see their child as their baby"

I feel like I dont have a lot of control again. Makes me want to give up

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I never got tested for it but I legitimately wondered if I got brain damage and like where it fucking came from.

I had a theory to my friend that my mom hit me hard enough that maybe that was it, but that only happened once (in my memory) so I don't think that's possible.

I think I always had brain fog or just, slowness in general, and it was troubling and hard

ptsd really fucked me up because i see patterns in behavior and my paranoia skyrockets and just being frustrated at myself for not being fast enough sends me into a crying fucking fit

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I need to change something but I'm not doing it. My friend's plain advice on what she knows just makes me upset right now.

I dont know what shocked my systems so bad i feel like i cant do anything anymore. I give up and im not doing anything. No one can do it for me of course, but i cant get myself to do anything. Im so tired and i wont get to where i wanted. I have no other skills. I have no other place to go.

Is it adhd if i literally cant do something i dont want to do? I rather kill myself right now. This is unbearable.

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Being triggered at 3 am over my mom. My mother is literally the worst im fighting for my life. Idk what to do or where to go. My mother is a control freak and a lunatic.

Being triggered at 3am dont even know why intrusive thoughts are comjng in

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I suppose I can't call it just ptsd anymore for short.

it makes sense I have outbursts but I always wish I didn't. I should have better outlets but for some reason a lot of it don't feel like they work? I still feel a sting of it for a short time after, like a residual.

is that how it's supposed to work? I always thought people talking about outlets working it just quickly and suddenly makes you feel better.

I wish I could stop myself from reacting to things, it's hard to have my anxiety sky rocket over anything. But I reacted and have to accept that I did that.

it really is hard to control anxiety that's been sparked by trauma.

.

[inkingpink]

a nicely played out explanation of some cptsd. I don't know if it's 100% true or not, it does cover some bullet points but it's not a diagnosis.

just from the description/beginning of this video i see that they call it "emotional trauma syndrome". that's new to me, but would make sense. I don't know what research they have on about cptsd, as I feel like as I was on my journey it was something super new. glad there's more now.