#but it’s here now!! learning today was his bday was motivation enough

[lifeonmvrs]

happy bday, peter parker!! 🎉

[Image Description: digital drawing of peter parker a.k.a. spider-man. he is drawn three different times throughout the whole canvas. on the left side of the canvas, peter is shown from the waist up, smiling and wearing glasses. he is wearing two t-shirts, a long-sleeved black one with fingerless gloves and a blue one on top. plus, he's wearing an open hoodie on top of all that. he is also holding a camera at waist height. on the top right corner, there’s a very simple drawing of peter with his eyes closed in a sleepy expression wearing a yellow, loose fit, and stained t-shirt that reads “ask me about my feminist agenda”. he is wearing red and blue flannel pajama pants. his hair is very messy and beside it there’s three z’s representing sleep. on the bottom right corner, there’s a drawing of spider-man with his mask half-way up talking on the phone while trying to eat a sandwich. the background is a solid green. /end ID]

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

So, I’m going to put this story out here cause it is bothering me again (guilt galore no other reason) and because I also don’t want that to happen to anyone else. (side note: At first I only spoke about it with my own people because I didn’t feel it was anyone else’s business that I fucked up, but through all these months that have passed since then, I have noticed some fans going for something I tried to do and fucked up big time so I want to give them all some heads up so that you don’t end up being hated by an artist you admire, or an artist that means a lot to you in some way, anyway.)

If you are a visual kei fan you’ve probably noticed by now that compared to other artists in the world, visual kei bands tend to be more personal, even to the point of replying to fan comments regularly or mails etc. Some of them do it to gain traction for their band and others because they genuinely want to develop some sort of communication, away from the stage, with their fans (the latter one is a minority so I never know whether that’s true or not but some of them have proved they have no other motives).

So yeah, one time, one of my favorite rockers was really hurt about something and started talking shit about himself more than usual, and, having been his fan for sometime, I was tired of no one saying something (see this is the thing, I have 0 confidence in myself yet there have been so many times people praised me for being able to calm them down and help them being heard and understood (not only people I knew personally, even strangers online that I only spoke once to in case I saw they were speaking about a problem in a post) that at that point I felt that maybe I could do it now for someone I acually cared for, which was a big mistake). He has hit rock bottom multiple times but dammit, even now, I believe in his talent and what he is all about, because he fucking loves visual kei and I think he deserves better chances so I tried to speak up. I have been learning Japanese for 2 years now but back then it was roughly 1 and a half years so I hadn’t realized that in order to speak Japanese, you don’t only have to translate your words right, but also use the right type of grammar to pass that you are caring for someone and not lecturing. As you might have understood from all this, I tried to tell him that I did care and that I don’t think he is shit and that life is a fuckin train-wreck but also that I really really didn’t want him to give up on life. He was like “There is nth fun about life“ and even though I agreed with that post he had made, I tried to be positive (not too much cause I know how fucking annoying it is when you’re super down and people come to you to say all the fun things about life that you don’t see) and told him that maybe he will find sth in the future and all (like maybe in the future sth you like will pop up). I told him he is not alone cause there are a couple of jrockers he seems to be really close to so I was like hey look, you are close with these guys for many years (or at least for as long as i’ve known him he’s been doing things with these guys) etc. I said many things, okay? And once this was all over, I apologized about any parts that might not make sense cause I didn’t know good Japanese and I was using a translator to help me.

His reply made me understand that, what he had understood from my last phrase was that I was looking down on his ability to understand what people are telling him cause he said “Don’t worry, even I understood what you said.“. I thought maybe it was translated wrong or sth and then he posted an angry tweet, right after replying to me, questioning wtf is fun about life and that if I had an idea what was fun then maybe I should tell him, cause he sees nth like that. I felt like a spear went through my chest and took sometime to think. I reviewed what I sent, I translated again phrase after phrase while crying and trying to find it but I couldn’t so I wrote a long ass apology for intervening with his life and told him I didn’t want to tell him what to do cause every person has their own life and it’s all about “your life your rules“ for me and I only wished to show him he has fans who like him about his work too and that we cared about his well-being and yeah, I said i will never send anything like that again i won’t bother him, maybe send some wish on bdays and stuff, and that i am stupid for speaking without being asked. Anyway he didn’t reply so I rushed to research about dealing with someone that hurts that much (cause I’ve always thought what he is going through is worse than me, which is why I refrained from giving specific examples of what could be fun to try for him). Long story short I found several articles in encyclopedias and not, discussing the fact that apologizing after hurting someone by taking all the blame makes it look like you make it about yourself. That you apologize because you can’t stand not being forgiven. I erased the apology part in a heartbeat. That was mistake no 2. Cause days later he posted about that “my life my rules“ thing and that he had discussed it with his boss who told him that there are times you can’t follow your rules in his opinion cause you have to think of what people might think (obviously that phrase for me doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take other people’s feelings into consideration, I just wanted to point out I am not lecturing cause it’s not my business to tell others what to do but that’s how it seems he received it), and he was thinking about it. From that post and another one he was thinking about it alone, he made it look like he didn’t remember where he saw it so I thought that maybe he read it when I sent it and then the next day, seeing it gone, made him think that maybe he imagined it or sth.

Anyway. On Xmas I sent a Merry Christmas under a Merry Christmas post and he liked it so I was like....are we fine now? Anyway I said nth more. And then months later Corona came up and for several days he wasn’t posting anything which made me worry cause he used to post everyday until then or with a few days break? (i know this sounds like I was stalking and maybe that’s what you call it when you care about someone’s well-being during a pandemic, but I always check a couple out of all my favorites’ twitters more often than the rest, either because they are often talking about suicide like this guy I am talking about, or because I simply enjoy their posts more.agree with what they say more, etc. Other than that I am just scrolling down my feed and like photos, or posts I find okay or that I really like or agree with *shrugs*) Anyway I took the courage to ask if he is okay. If he and his family are okay and said that of course he doesn’t have to reply, I just wondered due to the whole pandemic and I wish he and his own people are safe. He first posted a tweet after that, saying that he knows what game someone is playing and that he is not fucking with tanuki(sly) girls like her so she had better drop it and that he doesn’t need her help and other lovely adjectives about someone who pretends to care in order to sleep with him? What would you take after that? And he also posted two videos which I didn’t even watch but it was to speak about the band I guess or where he is at the moment? I don’t know. I knew I wouldn’t understand so I didn’t bother. I never send anything after that. I spoke about it with my own people and my teacher, though, and my teacher was sooo willing to help me clear the misunderstanding and explain herself that I am still learning and that she knows me and that I’d never try to “pretend I care“ in order to “fuck“ or gain anything else from anyone, but I said no, let him be and that we can’t be liked by everyone. If that is what he got from me then it’s my fault and we should end it there. And I did just that, I let it be.

Today he spoke about visual kei again. He says he will never give up and got me back to the reasons I liked him in the first place. It seems that he went back to the idea that visual kei is fun and his reason to be so, I am glad. I am glad he has sth to hold on to and that he is glad to represent. His bandmates made him an all gold guitar recently too and he seemed ecstatic so this is enough for me. :) But let this be a lesson for you fellow fans out there, especially if you don’t speak the language that even if you care, even if you are trying to be supportive, you can’t guarantee your words will be passed to the other persont the way you intend. Sometimes people receive our words differently and you end up feeling guilty because your “kind words ended up hurting them“. Don’t do that to yourself. Be careful how you approach the artists you love and if it comes off the wrong way and, after hours overthinking what to send and going through one single phrase you sent that came off the opposite way of what you wished, let it go. We are responsible for what we say not what other people understand from them so...be careful. Personally I still feel guilty, even though I understand the mistakes I made now that I know that formal and informal speaking isn’t that easy to define in Japanese without appearing rude but yeah...it’s not easy accepting you tried to help someone you care about or make them smile but ended up hurting them even more. One day I hope I will accept it and stop blaming me for it. The blame is mine yes, but people have to move on. He moved on so I can, too.

[yayninjabob]

A story behind a story

I have never wrote 100,000 words of anything in my life and 9 months ago when I first sat down to write Villain: Redux I definitely did NOT anticipate the length it would reach by the end of Part I. Now that it is done though I feel like I can talk about it.  Well not really the story but the story behind the story?  

A very lengthy and personal author's note for Part I: Remote Control

How I started writing again: My relationship with my writing was non existent for years.  I honestly went through a very long drought where I felt like everything I created just sucked so bad and I had zero motivation for creating shit.  I would talk with my therapist or my wife and friends about feeling so out of touch with my creative side and feeling pretty lost without it.  Really, I pretty much felt like it was dead forever.  I eventually started a personal journal again... And little drabbles here and there would come to mind... It felt alright but meh. "What did you enjoy about writing that you still feel is missing?" I was asked. Ffffffuck me I dont know.  Writing as a teen and in my early twenties wasn't something I ever thought about even when I did it every damn day of my life.  I guess I missed having that ongoing plot in the back of my head that I could escape to whenever life was lame. Daydreaming crazy stories as a kid was just my favorite past time and writing went with it.  But I just didnt have any more stories in my head. Nothing new or exciting enough at least. Anyways. January was my dads bday.  2019 and that year my dad asked for something.  Now my dad isn't one to ask for gifts. No, normally he is extremely frustrating and expects everyone to read his mind while saying "I dont care" yet if his gifts dont meet his secretive expectations he gets all butthurt and emo and says that nobody knows him.  Ok but January 2019 he asks me to write him something.   "What?  A story?  A poem?  A birthday card?" "I dont care just write me something." Typical. "I dont care."  Yeah right.  What the hell does he expect from me jeez.... My dad was the OG storyteller in my life- real shit or bullshit- he could spin a crazy story like no one else. My uncles and his friends would sit around smoking and drinking and listening to one wild tale after the next.   He could entertain people for HOURS just with the shit he’d say.  I always thought he'd make a brilliant stand up comedian but my dad would just laugh at the idea. So for his gift I figured I'd retell one of his personal wild tales - his first encounter with a mountain lion at 12 during a hunting trip with my late great uncle Joe who was his adoptive father figure.  Honestly my dad was always so incredibly descriptive and I heard that tale about a bazillion times growing up, and even though he hadnt shared it in probably 15+ years, it was easy to recall. I could just close my eyes and see it clear as day.  I stayed loyal to his story but I used my own words.  It really surprised me how easy I found those words though.  Writing had been such an impossible challenge for so long yet when I finished the short story I had written 12 pages in a single afternoon and I was shocked but in a good way.  It was his story so I was pretty sure he would like it. He's got a pretty big ego lol. I typed it up on the typewriter my dad had gotten me back when I was a teen and serious about becoming a "real writer."  I figured he would appreciate that.  I gave him the story on his birthday.  He didnt read it right away. We went to the backyard and the two of us shared a joint and while I started chasing the dogs in the yard for a bit I saw he finally picked the story up. And when he finished he started crying. Which is always weird when it's your dad right?  He isn't one to cry easily. Last time I saw tears in his eyes was three years prior at my wedding but even that wasnt like this.  He told me "You need to write again.   You need to try." But I still felt like I couldn't. I never really thought I was good at it anyway.  Sure, people told me they liked my writing and it meant a lot that my dad was moved so much by my short story that I started to believe “hey maybe I can write,” but... I dunno.  I had a rough idea for an original novel that I sat down with later that month and tried to work out... But it just felt forced and uninteresting.  It wasnt a story my mind could just escape to effortlessly.  The passion just wasnt there. After a while my wife suggested to me "Well when you retold your dad's story that was easier right?  Maybe you should retell another story that you love." And so in August 2019 I sat down and wrote what would eventually become the scarring scene for Villain: Redux

Part I:  Remote Control I spent the rest of August, September and October slowly falling back into my old world of Villain.  I reread both Villain and VillainE for the first time in yeeeeeears.  What. A. Trip. So much stood out to me that was like "Ok young me, I see where you were going but this could be so much better."  I made my list of what I liked and what I wanted to change.. Constructed my outline and then I just went for it.   Halloween night that year was spent finishing my first draft of chapter 1.  It was still in Buttercup's limited POV.  I liked it OK enough but I wondered if it would be improved if I tried third person instead.  I said "fuck it why not" and went for it again but in third person, adding the beginning history of Townsville and then the opening scene with Mojo.   When I finished it I was pretty amused with it and I found myself just starting right away on chapter 2 and adding even more details to my overall outline- it became a trilogy.  It was flowing SO easy and for once writing didnt feel like some forced chore I was performing.   The entire time though I debated whether or not to share any of it.  I didn't think anyone would read it.  But personally, I was falling in love with my new rendition and I really didn't want to stop writing it. So once again I said "fuck it why not" and I started this tumblr to start documenting my new commitment to rewriting Villain for good.  I edited the first chapter and uploaded it a couple days before Thanksgiving. And the support I got from readers honestly made me cry haha... I really really thought the story would go unnoticed.  After all, when I first started writing for the PpG fandom it was always an uphill battle and 90 percent of my first reviews were just flames and criticism.  The original Villain really took a while to gain much of a readership and even though it had its moment of somewhat popularity in the fandom, that moment came after it was completed. A brief glance at the PpG section on FFnet showed me that things really hadnt changed- still 99 percent PpGxRrB romances.  Man, it just seemed so unfair. I freaking love this show and TBH I will never understand the fandom's fixation on those damn Rowdyruffs.  Whatever.  It is what it is.  But because of that and because I hadnt been an active writer in the fandom for like a decade I really thought I'd be lucky to get one review.   And I did!  On the first day!  And I was PUMPED lol.   Then over the next couple of days I got more and most from names I recognized from the past!  I was so touched by some of the things you guys said, you will have no idea what those first 7 reviews meant to me.  And of course the reviews to follow throughout the next chapters only continued to motivate me further. And now I'm done with Part I.  Jeez what a freaking journey.  I feel like I've learned a lot though and I hope that the story only improves from here.   Today, this story invades my subconscious more than I would like to admit.  But.  It is so nice to have an exciting story to escape to once more.  And I feel like I can say that my creative drive is finally restored again which feels amazing.  Who knew it would be this rewrite of all things to do it. So yeah.  I owe the biggest thanks to my readers (the reviewers especially), my wife, and of course my dad.   I know we are just at the beginning of this story, but personally I just feel like I've accomplished more than I could've imagined already... like I said... 100,000 words is something I’ve never done before lol.  And I cant wait to share the rest of the story with everyone.   Anyways that’s my long soppy backstory on how I decided to rewrite Villain.  Thanks for reading. :)

[nuevorealidad]

Fresh Start Cosmic Toolkit

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

Here’s your COSMIC TOOLKIT for a FRESH START

❀ Make hydration, nutrition and exercise a top priority ❀ Exercise your power to say “no, thank you” ❀ Form honest, real-life relationships. Walk if it gets toxic. ❀ Be more meditative, less reactive. ❀ Live your dream like it’s real, and never stop dreaming. ❀ Keep on moving, growing, reading, writing, learning. ❀ Mind your business and give generously/receive gracefully.

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

 Trust & Belief ~ My Homeland Security is Intact & Secured Forevermore

It’s working! Everything you’ve ever wanted is being pressed toward you. Everything is clicking. Don’t let the illusions trick you. Don’t let the events of today dampen your spirits. Things couldn’t be any better than they now are. You couldn’t have more reasons to celebrate. Continue! Press on! The hardest work is done! Keep showing up, be present, open every door and let events unfold. Life is your stage. This is your parade.

I love it when you’re hot, The Universe

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

If You Want to Live Differently, You Have to Think Differently

Take a look around you. Do you see anyone living the amazing, kick-ass life that you want to live?

Hell no!! They are living the same boring, normal life as the next guy.

Your dreams are bigger than that!! They include living a location-independent, travel-tastic kind of life full of freedom, adventure, and fun.

Know this: the only things standing between you and being location independent and traveling as often as your heart desires, are your beliefs that say you can’t! Seriously! That’s the only real obstacle!

If you want to live differently, you have to think differently. It’s as simple as that.

You don’t have to be special, rich, or wildly successful to have what you want. The only thing you do need is the belief that you can pull it off, and a willingness to think differently about things.

Just give yourself permission to go for your dreams and unleash your brilliance out into the world. You wouldn’t have the desire if it weren’t possible for you. The Universe isn’t a bitch like that.\

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

IGNORE YOUR CURRENT REALITY esp if its sucking 😆 STOP focusing on wat is-wat is- wat is going the f* on or why the f* you can’t where u want or need to be.! FOCUS only on wat u want and deliberately create the Reality u preferred and desired instead of repeating dat freakin reality on default.

Play in the realm of possibilities. Just because you aren’t living the life that you desire right now doesn’t mean you can’t in the future. You need to create that future now by thinking about how you want it to be rather than how it is. What you focus on expands. If you focus on what isn’t here yet, you will get more of that. If you focus your attention on how you want your life to be, you will begin to see that showing up.

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍

************* Live in the Moment *** Be in the Now ****************** 2018 is a stay home enjoy ur solitute solidarity and peaceful year and how ur homeland security is intact and secured unfolding forevermore. - there’s a time and place for everythiing..everything in good time - u dont have 2b out there g* speculating forcing or making it happen (go w/ wat u feel ..if it feels good then its right time) try to match the fire action months w/ activity desired feb 20-mar 20 - good time to get ur dental work done(introvert energy anti socializing) so that when ur bday month comes u r ready 4 da launch..looking good :* meantime concentrate master on dailies esp this yr 2018..not really dat action yr u enjoy but nevertheless a good time to practise gratitude and appreciation for all ur homeland security abundance package is providing.. it’s yr Jup Sco (abundance in the hidden) redeem all OPPs meant 4u , or deprived fr u previously…+time to save up be frugal and rack up as much funds as u can for ur 2019 launch w/ u will need lining up ur dailies to be creative and productive gives meaning and purpose to the mundane

Jup Sco also auspicious time for relationships w/ the non physicals (ur IB <3 P) to get closer deeper more intimate sexually emotionally physically..best time to transform non physicals to physicality as jupiter expands its love and genuine connectivity.

🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀🌾⚘🌸 🌱🌺🌱 ღℒ❤ѵℯღ 🌱🌺🌱 💗 All I need in life is you 💗

Spend time every day w/ ur 💕 IB <3 Partner 💕 fr the moment u wake up and make him the last b4 u go to sleep. he is after all ur higher guidance council who will always show u the way wat u need to know at path of least resistance.. he’s also ur right hand side kick (did i mention sexy n handsome ) reminding u not to be so hard on ur goddam self whenever u f*up feeling regret and complete waste basket…and remind me dat i always do the best case scenarios at all times so even if i did-done-do-it .. know it was wat needed to be done (sometimes its not 4 obvious reasons, in hindsight it is to reveals the leverage and freedom to 2 watever i want whenever i want.

Have fun with this. Get the juicy goodness flowing. Be aware of when your inner critic starts to chime in about how you can’t afford it or you could never make it work. The trick is to give yourself permission to want it and bask in the delight it brings you.

Don’t get caught up in the details of HOW it’s all going to happen. This sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. The fastest way to get frustrated and give up is trying to see how it’s all going to work out ahead of time. There are all kinds of details you can’t possibly know in this moment. These are the things that make you think it’s never going to happen. Give the Universe a chance to work its magic. Trust that all the details will unfold before you in ways you could never imagine. Have faith, and go with it.

😍😍🌾⚘🌸🐱🐶🐥🐬🐴🐺 ✂️✂️🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀🍂⚘🌺🌺🌺

When it comes to setting aside a little time each day to visualize,  look at it like this:

No matter how distracted you become or how confused you are about the process, the simple fact that you gave your dream this time and attention means you did it correctly, you did it long enough, and that by the time you open your eyes, already in the unseen, huge wheels have begun turning.

HUGE.  You think I’d make it hard?  Your humble servant ~ Universe

🎆🎨🎯😇🎥🖱📡📲🌈🏖 💸💸💸💰💰💰🎪🎪😇 🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🍀😍😍😍😂🤣😂😆**hugs**🤗 🤗💗💗 **luv**💕💞💕**likes**& lots of **kisses**💋💞💋🌟💃💃💃🌟✌ ✈️✈️✈️💥🔥🌠😍😂🤣😂😆hot 2 trot 🔥🔥🔥🌀🌀🐶✌💞🎨🎯😇 🎥🖱📡📲📰🌈🏖 🎪🎪🍰🍰💰💰💰😇 🌷☘🌺🌳🌻🌾⚘🌸🍃🌿😍😍😍😂🤣😂😆🌟🌟🌟💃🌟✌🌋🌊🌈🎆

Shalamar - Make That Move (12’’ Version) - All ‘bout Our FS in Our FLife https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=w-Pi9uCZzfA

Make That Move ~ So many times-By holding back I let the good things pass me by-And then one day I asked myself the reason why-And like an answer from above you came into my life  -And showed me one thing for sure-With life nothing is certain-You got to go for it when you feel it-Everybody, everybody needs somebody to love-And I choose you, baby, so let’s.-Make thatmoveright now, baby-You only go out once in a lifetime-Make that move right now, baby..  So natural to  -Give in to feelings deep inside when love is due-And I knew something was missing ‘cause now I feel brand new-And motivation’s in my heart whenever I’m with you  So girl whatever you do-Just remember love is a motion-You got to hold on tight-When you know it’s right-Everybody, everybody needs somebody to love-And I choose you, baby, so let’s -Make that move right now, baby-You only go out once in a lifetime-Make that move right now, baby-The longer you wait on love, the more you’ll be without itWhy don’t you(Make that move) (Make that move) Make that move .. come on-Make that move right now, baby-If you make that move with me, I’ll be yours eternally 💕💞💕

🎆🎆 Uranus/Taurus..a glimpse 🎆🎆

Taurus commands his worth, which comes from knowing with certainty the value of where he chooses to invest his energy in order to feel comfortable: in his relationships, material things, physical property, intellectual assets, marketable ideas, tradable skills and talents etc – anything that can be secured, considered of practical use, that will enhance the quality of enjoyment of life and enrich the quantity of our reserves so that they can stay sustainable.

What do you value -

What qualities do you need most in others that you can use?

What would you fight most fiercely to protect in your life, even if it killed you?

How much of what you share with others do you come to expect should always be there? What are the supply & demand arrangements fixed upon? Are they sustainable?

Own any negative feelings. See how powerfully they can take over and ruin your chances of stability and peace. Instead of continuing to feed negative, distrustful thoughts with negative emotions, focus on this word:

TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST Repeat that word in your mind. Feel into it. Understand that a lack of trust is just a feeling of insecurity about your own self-worth. It is not the truth. You are worthy. Trust in that. The universe does not present us with emotional conflicts to block access to our heart. The universe only presents us opportunities to open it. It is through re-negotiating or divesting our powerful emotional investments that we learn to see how blockages only hinder our growth.

these how mere mortals do it or being human … and how they do it is like letting go of fixed emotions, develop compassion, learn to listen patiently, understand lovingly – not through suspicion, demandingness and wild speculation but through practicing empathy and developing ways for non-violent conflict resolution.

🎆🎇��🔆💸💰📈 ❣️💞💘👍😍💥 🌞🌟💃🏻🌊🌈🌒🌓🌔🌕🌠🌋🎆🎇

But for those be coming gods dehumanizing ..its none of dat..its recognizing U are different , detaching urself from all dat shit..different strokes 4 different folks /wat more U u are no regular folk blok..FOR YOU it ‘s all about thinking breathing living the Alternative, the Opposite, Make Ur Own Rhyme & Reason..  of how U fking want it to be. If there are lingering  excess baggage fking w/ u just remember to utter ur famous words ..’’ fuck this / fuck you / fuck off ! We all do things until we don’t, so  dont judge it.

Be kind to urself by doing only with  pleases U. **Remember U are the Exception to the Rule ** & the 1 who gets away w/ it every f* time.. so continue to live u life the way u want it’s Uranus Way / the rest is bullshit/history .  

Mahal, I always knew I could count on you to uncover the truth, and when others just played “follow the leader.” I wasn’t surprised at all to find you standing by your principles when the going got tough. There was never any doubt in my mind that when faced with a fork in the road, you’d take the path less traveled as should be.

I just had no idea you’d have such expensive taste…we are alike in so many ways.

You Rock Baby, ^ James ^

[effervescentmind]

Entry 61b:

I wanted to write a separate life update since the last one was long and filled with toxic drama. 

I still don’t have a job and haven’t been looking. My plan is to wait until I get my refund back so that I can start driving further out for work. I don’t want to be stressed about gas with the little money I currently have. 

I’ve been a little depressed and down again and definitely did not get caught up on school as I planned to but I will! It’s been two months since the semester started and there is no reason to be so damn behind. Last night, I cheered myself up with motivational things online and making a plan for myself. I am going to start putting myself on a schedule and focus on self-betterment. I went to target and bought a dry erase board to write positive things and goals on. 

This morning, I intended on getting up early to go workout but didn’t sleep early enough and also was restless. I ended up going back to sleep for a short while, waking up good and energized so I began writing. I feel if I get all the things on my mind out, I will be able to better focus on my day.

Currently, it’s a little passed 12 but that’s ok! I am still going to be productive on this rainy day. I am not feeling like exercising too much so I will either go do cardio for thirty mins or a home workout and then get some homework done. I was considering finally finding a library to go work at so I may do that or just go to my living room for today. The point is to get out of my room because I never can stay on task in here. 

Recently, I decided to start learning tarot. I have done a little research and have followed some accounts online. I think tarot, for me, is a form of selfcare because it encourages me to self-reflect and keep myself accountable. If I keep learning and practicing, I can see it making a positive influence in my life. Getting into tarot has brought me back to my wiccan practice this week. I became an eclectic witch about ten years ago but fell out of practice and started concentrating on my mental and emotional journey. Now that I am healthier, I feel I can commit more to it and give it a better shot. I still have only pulled one reading so far but recorded it and will be recording them all in a separate journal. I may start recording my dreams too. 

I’ve been dreaming about my ex-best friend lately. I miss her a lot, but she is in a relationship that I feel will not allow me to come back into her life. Her babydaddy is controlling, manipulative and I know he will do his best to turn her from me. I love her so much and want to reach out to her, but I don’t think it would be healthy. I left because her relationship is very toxic, and it is painful to watch her in it. It affects me very seriously. The night before I cut things off, I didn’t sleep, had nightmares and cried for hours. I was still crying weeks after we stopped talking and even in public once. It just triggered me and there were a lot of emotions I hadn’t dealt with or healed from with my previous abusive relationship. My ex-best friend’s mother keeps me updated on the baby and he is getting so big! He’s so handsome and I love him so much, but I can’t see him. I am his godmother, and I haven’t been able to see him. It hurts. Also, I have to go holidays are different now. I can’t go when everyone is there because of our dynamic now. It’s not her I don’t think, it’s the babydaddy. He and I are like water and oil, so mom keeps us separated. My day is always after everything has happened and it hurts. I have to see everyone on different days. It’s just hard to hold my tongue when I see and hear him talk like shit to her and mom. I just get protective and I can’t hold back. I wish I could give my strength to her so she could stand up for herself and get out of there! I’m just so heart broken. Two days ago, her little sister turned ten and I couldn’t go because she was there. I didn’t ask to go but I knew it would happen so I just didn’t say anything. I’m planning on going next week to spend time and give her a belated bday present.  

[sundayswithshan]

190113

good morning i opened tumblr and it told me that my pictures from prom many years ago were taken down for being adult content and im screaming

look at me, actually writing on a sunday. aren’t you proud?

i have so much to tell you about! long post ahead!

GUESS what is comin up!! my birthday!! my bday is on tuesday the 15th and i am so stoked. still young enough to where birthdays are exciting. if possible, i’d like to know if you’re still here.. if you made the move to this blog with me. last year, you posted a playlist on my birthday. if nothing else, could you do that again this year please? I really love your music taste, so i’d love to have some new music from you on tuesday. maybe with some blue emoji or smth so i know its for me. but if not or if you’re feeling extra fancy... perhaps a selfie? or maybe a lil snippet of you singing? and if you want to erase all my doubts about you not being here.. a snippet of you singing my favorite song, hey there delilah, would melt my heart and chase away every inkling of a doubt. or a selfie with like....... idk? your hand.. somewhere in the frame. I’m blanking on specific ideas. but do smth with your hand i guess. that’s if you want to, of course. i’m honestly just listing things i would love for my birthday.. things you could get away with. if you’re still here. if you’re still waitin for me. i sure hope you are... bc i’m still here for you. i’m down to make this work. i miss you.

i have such a busy week ahead of me. and on top of it all, the weather has been giving me terrible allergies. it’s not brutally cold like it was this time last year (we’ve gotten no snow yet! which is a good thing given the fact that i live on the coast in southeastern georgia) but its been everything else. cold, hot, rainy, windy, sunny, you name it. and the changes of weather have been brutal for my poor lil body. but i’ve got cedar-scented candles burnin and a cup of coffee in my hand so i feel pretty good. Plus I always feel good on sundays. It’s the Lord’s day.

I’m currently waiting for the rain to stop so I can walk over to a coffeeshop.. i’m going to a further one than the normal one bc the normal one is packed out the door on sundays due to their brunch menu and raging popularity with SCAD students. there’s another one closer as well but I’m opting for the 0.7 mile walk each way because I need to get some fresh air and exercise today! 

But as far as how I’m doing... much better. I was having struggles with work but the other day they announced that they’re going to have hot food in the break room for employees all day so now I’m stoked. Is it bad that free food motivated me enough to not quit my job? I’m a simple gal. I like good food, and I like not paying for it.

Also my friend has super smash bros ultimate, and whenever I have time I go play 1v1 with him to hone my skills. I beat him last week for the first time ever. he’s really good. so i felt REALLY good about that. you’ve never mentioned playing smash before but I like knowing I’m hella good at video games so I can DESTROY you. blue heart emoji.

and i got through my first week of classes! they seem promising! not tooooo difficult yet, and the timings work out nicely, because I can go to the gym every day during the week! i’m getting back in shape bro. i’m taking this semester by the HORNS.

oh, and jae, happy 1mil on twitter! that’s awesome!!! i’m so proud of you! keep being inspirational and lifting the lives and spirits of so many people! oh and that oneus album is DOPE. its just mainstream EDM, which I’m always glad to see you getting into. Hopefully this gateways you into real EDM. great recommendation! thank u kanye, very cool!

oh and i joined a dance group again FINALLY! it’s “fusion” dance as she calls it, which is exactly what i’ve done my whole life... a blend of jazz, lyrical, modern, and ballet. i can’t go to practice monday bc of work but i have blocked off mondays since then so ill be able to make them all. i’m so excited to dance again.

i think that’s all i’ve got to say right now. my cousin comes in tonight and is gonna be here all week. we’re supposed to be filming a music video but i’m having difficulty with the scheduling atm. i have a meeting with the crew later today to discuss it all. wish me luck.

thus concludes my last post at this age!

see you soon!

-shan

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coming home - seven lions hey there delilah - plain white t’s flame of love - taemin ghost of you - 5sos lift me from the ground - san holo (you’d like san. he’s a dj that plays guitar at his live sets. so its guitar edm. and he’s so sweet. he owns a duck. we’re friends on facebook for some reason) bassline kickin - pegboard nerds (this is a classic edm bop from my high school days for my cute gateway edm boy. learn to appreciate the classics)

[iirriiss-]

Finding a new identity

Have you ever loved someone so deep that, that person literally became part of who you were? Like, it literally felt like you were both one? One identify for two people? That’s definitely one of the best feelings in the world. The bond is even stronger when children are involved.

Maybe you feel like this with your significant right now, or maybe, you experienced it at one time in your life like me. Or maybe some other unique situation. I’m here to tell my story of how I lost my identity and literally who I was when my ex left me.

My ex and I were together for almost 7 years. We had an amazing son together, who’s now 5! I met him when I was 18. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me! At that time, I had just graduated so I wasn’t looking for anyone. I was literally doing, me. They are right when they say that love comes when you’re not looking for anything or anyone. He was different than any other guy I had dated. I played hard to get because it literally felt too good to be true! Anyways, I fell in the trap and about 8 months later, I found I was pregnant. Fast forward, we moved in together. Just like any relationship, we had our ups and downs. We weren’t a perfect couple! I’ve never met a perfect couple. Some couples have been through very difficult situations! We all know that “one couple.” No one is perfect, so I’m not here to point fingers and play the blame game or say that I was perfect throughout the relationship. Because I’m not perfect. We had arguments here and there. Some crazy ones if you ask me! But who cares? We had more good times than bad times in my opinion. I was happy with my little family!

Around the first week in January, my ex became very distant. He would spend countless hours on his phone and in his car. I asked him a few times what was wrong and he would say nothing. I just knew something wasn’t right. One time, he went out to eat, with his mom, and when they both came, he sat on the opposite couch as me. He had his head down the whole time and I kept starring at him. He kept avoiding eye contact. I knew he had told her something I didn’t know about. That gut feeling kept coming back. One morning, I had had enough and I confronted him. It was about 2 weeks before our sons bday party. That morning, I told him that I felt like something was wrong. He told me there was nothing wrong and that I was insecure. We argued and I started crying. I felt useless. I was on the floor and he was on the bed. He raised his voice and told me he didn’t love me. In that moment, I became paralyzed. A million questions arised in my head. What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? I kept blaming myself. I started hating myself. That’s when I lost who I was. Who I’d become. Who I was molded into. I tried to fix whatever was wrong with me, which I didn’t know what, in order to save our relationship. I tried fixing everything, which was basically nothing, to please him. I became very lost in myself. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I became a stranger to myself. Who was I? Day after day, tear after tear passed by. I was scared of the days. Another day ment another day I had to face. Days and nights became my biggest fear. Time became a stressor. I became my worst enemy. I had to start a new life.

I developed anxiety, stress and depression all in one. I would cry day and night and it would come at random times. Sometimes, due to the anxiety, the pain in my chest would cause me to drop to the floor. I lost weight and I was sick all the time. I became bipolar with myself! My world became dark! In the midst of it all, the only person I was holding onto was God. I would picture myself holding onto His arms. Crying at His knees. Hugging Him. He was the only one that was and still is, there for me. My faith became strong. That’s when I heard Him tell me, “seek me!” Thankfully, everyone around me didn’t give up on me. Everyone kept pushing me. I would call who ever popped on my phone first to just cry and talk. I felt dumb, but I knew I couldn’t do it alone! That’s when I knew I needed to change and become a new identity. I wasn’t going to carry all this guilt for the rest of my life. I had my son looking up to me! I had to learn to love myself again.

Days became better than others. Those little voices in my head became to lessen. I eventually started going to church, to recover with the help of God. To become restored. To have my heart healed again. The Christian music station became my favorite! My sons babysitter would always hug me and tell me that she was always praying for us. She always brought the right messages to me at the perfect moments! I starting picking myself up little by little and I started enjoying life! I starting realizing that with God next to me, everything was better. Thanks to God, I had my first vacation with my son and my friend! If it wasn’t for God, I’d be stuck in the past. I started smiling again.

Fast forward, 7 months later, and here I am! I still cry, don’t get me wrong. Every once in a while, I get anxiety attacks. There’s a few things in my life Im not happy about. Being a single mom is not easy! One spoiled kid for one person becomes a daily challenge! But it’s also a great motivator! I want to set a great example for my son! I want him to look up to me! I want him to hug me someday and thank me for everything I’ve done! My son is my motivation! I just think to myself of all the wonderful things God has helped me out in and how far I’ve come! I know he has more things stored for me and Damian! He sees everything! He’s held every tear Ive cried! I’ve learned that there’s a thin line between good and evil. God is all good. Evil is bad. When evil gets his way, that’s when we have to break the chain and walk with Faith. God goes before us!

I can’t say that I’m 100% content with myself. I know this is just the beginning! Life will always be a journey! I’m finally taking care of myself and I’m working really hard to become a better version of myself! I’ve become so motivated and blessed that I even got promoted at work! I see a bright future right there! My next move is to buy a house for me and my son! I know God will bring us into a home very soon! He knows I hate living with my parents! But for now, this is where I need to be in this point in life! I’m more comfortable with me and I don’t hate myself the same way I used to. Like everyone, I have insecurities. I can stay that I'm beautiful! My son tells me I’m beautiful too! I have a huge heart and I’m a warrior! How I said before, I don’t wish whatever I went through on anyone. I pray every night that God can help whoever is on the edge, to help them! I’m still seeking God! I still pray. I’m excited for my future!!!

I wrote this because I know that it can help someone out. You’re not alone! As many times and people give you advice, it sometimes doesn’t make sense. But never ever give up!!!! Seek God and I promise you that things will get better!!! I still vent out to my friends sometimes, but we all need to do that! We all need the right people to push us. Don’t let everyone in on your life. Keep certain people at a safe distance. Keep certain things to yourself. We only have one life. Today maybe our last! As dark as the days may get, look up to the sky and be thankful that you’re breathing. I’m still seeking who I really am. Haven’t found my identity yet, but i am happier! I will keep writing to detail my journey with life and God.