#but it’s complicated and therapy can only do so much aaaaand

[quarantineddreamer]

Your tag “no one cares b” always makes me sad because I do care, but the constraints of tumblr/internet connections makes it feel like a “like” or comment is insignificant compared to real life pain, and I don’t know how else to offer comfort.

Anyways I hope your brain fog clears stat and you feel better soon 💜

Hey anon,

Sorry tumblr swallowed this—no idea how late I am to answering—but thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them.

I think when I’m tagging stuff like that it’s just kind of my scream into the void, more directed at the world in general than anything. Idk maybe that doesn’t make sense.

Anyways, I’m sorry if I brought anyone down. It’s never my intention, like I said, trying to scream into the void (never expecting a reaction or answer or anything like that, just trying to get shit out that I’m tired of burdening people irl with, but i guess it feels good to also not let it live in my head? Look I’d burn scraps of paper with notes if I could 😅)

[insanelycooljk]

IF UR STILL DOIN THESE can i ask about your roleswap au? oR the evan is a compulsive liar one, whichever! @bandtrees

send me the title of one of my deh wips and I’ll share an excerpt/tell you a bit about it  

(you can read my reply about the “maybe evan really IS a compulsive liar” one here)

Oh boy the roleswap au... honestly this is an idea I’ve had for a really long time that I kind of forgot about, but then Kayla’s jared dies! au inspired me to revisit it. In a suprise to absolutely no one lmao, there’s a whole lot of angst. Like, I’d kind of forgotten what the plot was, and when I went back and read over my notes for it the other day I made MYSELF cry. So uhhh, yeah, this one’s gonna hurt

The concept is very simple, and I’m sure has been done before, but basically Evan and Connor (and Jared and Zoe to an extent) swap roles. So Evan dies, and Connor writes a therapy letter which gets mistaken for Evan’s suicide note. On that, obviously trigger warning for suicide.

Alright so this wip still needs a lot of work because I’m still trying to narrow it down to a single cohesive plot and figure out how to keep it in character (for instance I just can’t see Connor forming the equivalent of The Connor Project and dragging out the lie to that extent) But, here’s what I’ve got at the moment!

The first day of school is almost identical to canon, so I won’t get into that, but Evan still had his attempt over the summer and hence has his broken arm. I mean yeah, maybe Evan’s dialogue is a little different because he’s struggling more with his depression, but I don’t see his second attempt as necessarily being planned. It’s more of an impromptu “finish what I started” decision he makes after having an awful first day back at school

The only real change from canon at this point is the letter. It’s a therapy assignment for Connor rather than Evan.

The scene where Evan prints his letter and Connor signs his cast is essentially the same as canon too, except obviously Connor is the one writing the letter. Evan is just in the library to print out some homework or something for school.

After they talk/Connor signs his cast, Evan goes over to the printer to grab his own thing, and sees the page underneath has “Dear Connor Murphy” written at the top. Evan assumes it’s Connor’s, so in an attempt to be nice, grabs it as well.

Aaaaand here’s where the angst really starts. Originally I was going to do a whole kleinphy thing by fully switching Zoe and Jared. But then I had an excellent (aka horrible) idea.

So Connor’s finished letter still follows the same format of Evan’s as [today was NOT an amazing day] [talking about Zoe/Jared] [sad shit].

Except here’s the thing. The morning was essentially the same as canon, which means Jared still made the awful school shooter joke. So sure, Connor mentions Jared in his letter, but he’s got nothing nice to say. As he’s venting about how today wasn’t an amazing day, he writes a few lines about how Jared is a fucking asshole and he can’t believe he ever thought that they could actually be friends.

... Yeah. I’m sure you can already guess how that is going to turn out :(

But the angst doesn’t stop there. Evan clearly isn’t going to see Jared’s name in Connor’s letter and freak out because he thinks Connor has a crush on him. That just... makes zero sense lmao. But you know what Evan might think when he sees Jared’s name? Especially after Jared was a dick to Evan at the start of the day?

That they’re making fun of him.

“D-did Jared put you up to this?”

“… What?”

“He… you’re making fun of me. Both of you.”

Connor can see Evan’s spiralling into some sort of panic attack, knows he probably shouldn’t push but he’s got no clue what the fuck Evan is talking about.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“That’s why you came to apologise and-, and why you signed my cast, you two are making fun of me.”

“What? I wasn’t-“

Evan’s not even listening, he just keeps talking like he can’t hear Connor at all.

“I can’t believe I thought you were being nice to me.” He chokes out a bitter laugh that sounds more like sob. “But no, it’s just one of Jared’s stupid jokes.”

Connor’s speechless. Has no clue what to say because this just makes no fucking sense at all.

Evan’s full-on hyperventilating now, taking these huge shuddering breaths. Connor’s kind of worried Evan might pass out on him if he doesn’t do something

“Evan hey, just breathe.”

“I’m sorry,” he gasps, finally making eye contact. “I-I have to, have to go.”

And then Evan runs out of the room because he’s definitely having a panic attack and he needs to get away.

Connor is just kind of standing there staring at the door, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Feels like shit because he was actually enjoying talking to Evan, but no somehow he managed to ruin it. 

It takes Connor a minute before he realises Evan still has his letter. He calls out after Evan but he’s long gone.

Then we switch to Heidi’s POV. She gets a phone call while at work from Evan’s therapist’s office saying he never showed up to his appointment after school.

Heidi never forgives herself for this after the fact, but her first reaction is to feel kind of annoyed. She knew Evan didn’t want to go to his session today when she booked it, but she was just trying to do the right thing because she knows Evan always struggles starting back at school. Plus therapy costs money, they don’t exactly give you a refund/cancellation fee for not showing up, and they just can’t afford to be paying for therapy sessions Evan isn’t even attending right now.

She is a little concerned though. It’s not the first time Evan’s skipped an appointment, but he usually only does it if he’s had a particularly bad panic attack that day. But she isn’t worried enough to leave work early, which kills her later. Heidi wonders if she had of gone straight home if she could’ve been there quick enough.

I don’t want to go into this in too much detail, but I’m thinking Evan ODs. The tree thing didn’t work out last time so he figures he better try something else. He feels bad that this definitely couldn’t be interpretted as an accident like his fall was, but he just... doesn’t care anymore.

And god, Heidi finds him when she gets home from work, and somehow her being a nurse makes it so much worse because she knows it’s too late. Of course she still tries everything she can, and she kind of dissociates into work mode so she can put some of her panic aside, but she knows.

But... I don’t really want to write that because it’s too sad even for me lol. So the scene will probably just end with Heidi coming home and getting a bad feeling when she calls out to Evan and he doesn’t reply. It’s not the most out of character thing, because Heidi’s assuming he must have had a really bad panic attack since he ditched therapy, so he’s probably exhausted and having a sleep. But when she goes to Evan’s room to check on him her heart stops.

The next couple of days Connor mirrors Evan in canon. He’s getting antsy that Evan stole his letter and now hasn’t been at school.

I haven’t quite worked out what Zoe’s role will be yet, so I’m not sure if she’ll act as Connor’s sole confidant (like Jared is for Evan) or not. It’d make sense since Jared is kind of taking Zoe’s place, but I just don’t think it will work given the current state of her and Connor’s relationship. Either way, whether he told Zoe or not, Connor is getting really paranoid about Evan/the letter.

It’s been 3 days now since Evan took his letter and he’s still not at school.

Jared’s been away too, but he’s back today and is acting really fucking weird. He’s wearing like... a plain hoodie or something which is very unlike Jared, and he just looks really exhausted and has none of his usual arrogance. Plus he keeps staring at Connor and giving him these weird looks.

Connor’s so stressed about this stupid letter that he’s contemplating asking Jared where the hell Evan is, but he’s seriously freaking Connor out right now.

Before Connor has a chance to make up his mind about whether he should try to talk to Jared, he gets called to the principal’s office. And so the lie begins lmao.

But god... the amount of extra angst of NOT going the kleinphy route and instead having Connor write bad things about Jared in the letter is just... pure evil genius if I do say so myself

Like, imagine Jared’s parents going to see Heidi and do whatever they can to be there for her and make sure she’s ok, and Jared kind of numbly getting ready to go with them, only for his parents to explain that Heidi doesn’t exactly want to see him right now because of what Evan wrote in his note... ouch.

And god that just makes Jared sick to his stomach because what the hell did Evan say about him? And once he gets to actually read the “note” himself he really is sick.

And since his family is obviously very close with Heidi it really puts a strain on Jared’s relationship with his parents too, because they’re clearly extremely disappointed in him for doing whatever it was that made Evan write THAT

Just the whole Kleinman/Hansen dynamic would be so complicated. (but it will be fun to write!)

And oh boy... remember the amount of horrific hate Zoe recieved when Alana posted Evan’s letter online? Connor’s letter outright says something along of the lines of Jared is a fucking asshole/why did I ever think we could possibly be friends/etc. I haven’t worked out the exact wording yet because getting the letter right is just... so critical to the fic lol, but yeah if it gets posted online? yikes.

So anyway, that’s the roleswap au. I’m still working out the more specific plot details of this one, but I think it’s got some alright potential. There’s going to be a lot of tension between Jared and Connor as Jared struggles to decide whether or not he believes Connor, and as Connor finds it increasingly difficult to lie to Jared. Hmm you know on second thought maybe a kleinphy subplot doesn’t sound so bad 🤔 but just more of a slowburn angle which doesn’t start until after Evan dies... much to think about hahaha

I like to think Jared works out the truth on his own eventually, which leads to a gfy-esque fight. And whilst Zoe might take on Jared’s role in a way, Alana will be pretty much the same as she is in canon. Because for her it was always more about the message of the project than the actual person.

[the-phoenix-heart]

10 Favorite Characters

oh no i’ve been noticed @wisteria-lodge​ tagged me so let’s do this!

(this isn’t in a particular order, also I decided to do one character per fandom.

10. Sophie Hatter (from the Howl’s Movie Castle film, not the book. idk why but I just never got into her like I did her film counterpart)

Oh Sophie my love, crippled by anxiety and insecurity only to be freed of them and show just how spunky and cunning and full of life you are. Honestly my favorite scene in the movie is just when she’s cleaning the whole house because she has so much character and she just makes me feel great. Honestly this whole movie gives me those warm, fuzzy feelings. 

(Sidenote, recently rewatched it and damn there are so many details you can miss. Like, Sophie is already starting to throw off the curse and get younger by the time she’s at Howl’s door!)

((Sidenote sidenote, after watching Spirited Away, Howl’s Moving Castle, and Princess Mononoke all in the span of two days I realized in Ghibli movies they tend to have side characters state outright that the main leads are in love with each other which? Idk if it actually is a trend but it’s something I just picked up on)

9. Percy Jackson (Percy Jackson Series & Heroes of Olympus...I never could get into Trials of Apollo)

My. First. Love. For a fandom, for a book series that was slightly more adult, for a character. Percy is so badass and also so so loyal and amazing and I love him. I’m hardpressed to actually talk about him because just thinking about him makes me a little incoherent since I’ve loved him for so long.

8. Marinette Dupain-Cheng (Miraculous Ladybug)

For all my beef with Miraculous right now I still love my beautiful daughter. She’s so intelligent and good and badass. Oh my god some of her plans are so smart you wonder why she’s stuck with everyone around her. I’d die for Marinette even if she’d die for me. She’s my girl and I’d follow her to the ends of the earth. I have so many fics for her planned that I will never write. Also I freaking relate to every anxiety attack she ever has and she needs to be appreciated more and treated better. Not by the fandom, by the creators.

7. Lucifer (Lucifer)

A CHARACTER! THAT GOES TO THERAPY! Not just that lol. He’s just so charismatic and nice for all his devilish (literally) qualities. And also I know this shouldn’t factor in but SWEET JESUS TOM ELLIS IS HOT! His face, his body, his hair, his voice, his ass. Also I love every moment he sings and plays the piano. And HE NEEDS TO COME BACK RIGHT NOW! I DON’T CARE THAT DEMONS ARE STUPID AND NEED A KING HE NEEDS TO COME BACK! CHLOE FINALLY SAID SHE LOVES YOU!

6. Crowley (Good Omens)

The facts are I love me my sinnamon rolls. I love Crowley because he’s just so damn badass. He’s so smart and resourceful and I LOVE HIS PLANTS! Also I support all the headcanons about all the people over the centuries he inspired. ALSO ALSO I FUCKING RELATE! My best friend/crush rebuffs me and says we aren’t friends and my immediate reaction is to sleep until he needs me to save his dumbass. And he’s David Tennant how can you not love anyone David Tennant.

5. Kenny McCormick (South Park)

I don’t care that I put South Park here it’s my list and I can do what I want! Kenny is frankly just so dynamic and good. Like, Mysterion saving his sister from bullies or getting a job so he buy a doll for her??? And the fact he actually hates dying and the creators actually acknowledge it several times??? Even though it was just supposed to be a funny joke??? And holy crap he’s just a good, pervy, boy.

4. Hermione Granger (The Harry Potter BOOKS not the movies)

I almost didn’t put Hermione because recently I’ve been having very mixed and complicated thoughts on the franchise as a whole but it doesn’t change the fact that Hermione is sharp and ruthless and brilliant. Hermione could kick my ass and I would not thank her but I would tell her she has a mean right hook and that she was very badass. Part of the reason I like her I think is because I literally am Hermione. 

(Sidenote don’t you miss when they had Hermione’s hair actually curly and frizzy back in the movies)

((Sidenote Sidenote, in case you’re wondering I was going to put Jareth from The Labyrinth originally))

3. Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean-except for Dead Men Tell No Tales that wasn’t Jack Sparrow that was the writers deciding to write Jack Sparrow as nothing but drunk and washed up because they had no idea how to make the new characters shine without dulling Jack Sparrow even though they did it just fine in the first three-)

As this list falls down (reference to Labyrinth ;)) I find myself more hard pressed to find favorite characters. I’m not so good at this as I thought. I either overthink them or just can’t decide. And Jack might be here only because I recently watched all the movies for the first time finally but whatever-I love him. He’s smart, cunning, a badass, and he just gives me feelings whenever he looks out to the sea or at Elizabeth or Will. AND ALSO ALSO he gives me feelings when in Stranger Tides even if I don’t like that movie because he shows he has a heart when he saves the crew and won’t let them die. But also fuck everything with him and Angelica, I didn’t believe for one second there were and had been stirrings between them ESPECIALLY when it all leads up to him leaving her on the island and never seeing her again! 

I had...A lot of feelings with those last two movies.

2. Catra (She-Ra and the Princesses of Power)

OKAY I SAY I HAD TROUBLE BUT REALLY THESE LAST TWO I KNEW IMMEDIATELY I WOULD PUT THEM DOWN. I just wanted to put them as 2nd 1st. Catra is a character who makes cry every time she’s on screen. She never fails to send me spiraling and I love her because she’s so complex and amazing. Catra trying so hard to be bad when really she is a better person than she gives herself credit for moves me and hurts me. I love her

1. Bakugou Katsuki (Boku No Hero Academia)

Anyone who knows me knows he would top this list. My favorite boy. Who ALSO sends me spiraling without fail. My thing for characters who make me spiral might be an indication of my self destructive tendencies. But I love him, he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me go doki-doki. He’s such a badass and so smart and legit he’s so hot. I have so many fucking headcanons about him and so many fic ideas which I will never post-I just can’t get over him.

(Sidenote there are legit so many good Bakugou gifs...Like I can’t get over how pretty he is!!) 

I’m tagging... @queenofthefaces​ @fiddler-unroofed​ @bipolarchick18​ @apollosukulele​ @bestprincesslys​ aaaaand anyone else who sees this!!!

[gringoslur]

deku is so booring

i hate that this is the truth. there’s so many things that you could do with his character, specially since he’s the protagonist!

his relationship with Bakugou. i think that we all agree that nobody talking about the bullying that happend it’s just bullshit. the fact that we can see what’s going on with bakugou, what his feelings and the whys and hows of his abuse to midoriya it’s bullshit. like, it’s interesting for bakugo’s character (for an analysis, not for excuses/justifications) but why we only get bakugou’s side? midoriya’s side in this relationship always get’s ignored and it’s just weird. his feelings towards bakugou are not healthy at all, why we can talk that in canon?? how bakugous abuse affected him? why he has those kind of feelings of respect to bakugou and like, nothing else? is he ever gonna be react to the kind of treatment that he gets or he only get’s used for bakugou’s character development? why the fuck he thinks that he needs to sacrifice himself and fight bakugou?? (the next fight)(*) everytime that he talks to bakugou it’s like aaaaaaaaaah, i want to know what’s going on?? in your head??? can someone help this kid?? why the heroes don’t have like, therapy??? listen i said that i wanted bakugou winning that fight with deku, but if i deku actually fights with him and it’s like “fuck you for all those years”??? man, i will pay to see that character development. 

his relationship with his family. we all know that deku and his mom are so fucking cute, but what about his dad? does he have more family? will he ever think about what would happend to his mother if something happens to him? would she be alone? god, the camp episodes where so great to make him realize how much heroes need to sacrifice and think about his own life.(*)

his relationship with friends. it’s obvious that he didn’t had a lot of friends before the academy, so it’s not surprising that he it’s socially….weird? especially if he had a “friend” like bakugou since they were little kids. so, mistakes like this are normal!! (honestly that’s the only mistake that i remember of him, but it’s not seen as a mistake in the anime so like….whatever. if you remember some of his mistakes, please tell me!) especially because he’s 15, he’s dumb by default dkfjgdf that’s why i made a funny post and not a “#seriouscalloutpost”. like i said, sadly i think that iida and uraraka are the first real good friends that he has. it would be sweet if we could see them all talk about this, seeing him able to express how he feels with this new relationships in his life. seeing him recognizing healthy relationships in his life is also character development for me. 

his relationship with all might. we know that he’s his hero and it’s playing the father role in his life (it doesn’t matter where his real father is, i can tell you that at that age if you don’t have a good father in your life, you will adopt any good older male that you know and helps you). is all might aware of this? what kind of effect can he have in midoriya? how well he could,,,,manipulate him? i can’t really see midoriya going agaisnt all might right now, even defending his own life (*)i feel like all might forgets sometimes that midoriya is a child. that doesn’t mean that he’s the devil, but he puts too much pressure on him. will midoriya break his own limits to make all might proud? what would be the consequences of it? midoriya is 15, at that age you start to think like “hey, maybe adults are not so right about stuff like i thought that they were” would he ever have a different opinion that all might? would he rebel somehow? (not in the “villian way”, thats boring). this kind of mentor and protege relationship should be complicated, especially with a teen.

his relationships with other heroes. one of the things that i can say about midoriya is that he has strong morals. we know that he accepts that uraraka does it for money, but we also know that uraraka is a good person and obviously cares about the people that she saves, she has good intentions. what happens when he has to deal with heroes that aren’t good people, that aren’t interested about saving people as a main goal? being realistic, in a world of heroes, endevor shouldn’t be the only trashy one. he lived all his life respecting and admiring heroes, writing about them. would that fantasy ever crash? if he has strong morals and has grown up loving heroes, why he didn’t reacted more strongly to endevor? this is something that it would be interesting to see him deal with.

his relationship with the leak of quirkness. he was quirkness, now he’s not. how that really changed his life? does he even feel frustration on how everyone else had years with their quirks and he has to do it all in a few months? does he ever think about his childhood, about how unfair that was, about how there could be kids out there having the same experiences that he has? is he gonna do something about it in the future? of course, first if all he has to recognize that the abuse that he suffered….wasn’t necessary (*)

his relationship with pressure: sure. we can see him freaking out about the amount of responsability that he has, but i don’t think that’s enough? it’s just seconds, and it’s really quick. he’s gonna replace the symbol of peace, everyone’s favorite hero, the one that everyone loves. the one that is losing his power. i can only remember him being like “oh. shit. right. that’s gonna be me soon. fuck!” for 5 seconds and then he forgets?? like, how does that work?? he’s 15!! and it could pass as nothing IF you couldn’t see other characters breaking down/having issues dealing with pressure (bakugou, momo, uraraka, iida). sure, he deals with it pressuring himself with his quirk, but what is really going down mentally? why doesn’t really talk about this with anyone? (*) 

(*********all those things that i said before where connected with this one) his relationship with….himself. he…doesn’t really care about himself. this problem is not really talked in the anime. like, sure, “you can’t break yourself like that!! how would you fight if you are dead!?!” it’s a good question but a more important question is “why the fuck everything that you do it’s a sacrifice? why don’t you care about being hurt or dead? why don’t you respect yourself?”. everyone is focusing in the quirk, in his power, but nobody talks about the person behind it, in the kid behind it. in my personal opinion, his power is developed, not his issues, and its so frustrating to see. the only “”mistakes”” that i can see, it involve him actually not caring about himself. sure, he can change it and actually don’t hurt himself, but why he did it? here’s my answer for this: he doesn’t think that he has worth if he can’t use his power, everytime that he thinks in moves to not hurt himself, he’s not doing to not hurt himself, he’s doing it to not hurt his skill to fight. all of this in a 15 year old it’s fucked up and i hate that it’s not talked about in canon. 

him being always perfect. like, maybe i’m wrong but i don’t actually remember how many times he was wrong. he always does the right thing, he always says the correct thing, he never actually makes mistakes (that are not the ones that i talked about in the last point)he is the perfect hero and i’m sorry, but it’s just so weird and unrealistic for me, especially having in count that he’s 15 and all the teens around him make mistakes, but not him. like sure, you can see this list and say “hey! but he makes mistakes!” but most of the mistakes don’t have actual depth to them (him hurting himself, he changed the way that he fought and that’s considered as character development?? when the only development that he has is involving his quirk) or are not recognized as mistakes (like the post) so it’s just…..frustrating and it doesn’t make sense for me.

aaaaand so many more!

everytime that i say “deku is boring” it’s not because i hate him, or think that he’s annoying, or think that his personality is not good, i love him. and that’s why i find his writing so frustrating. i study literature, and deku has SO much potential. and with all those ideas in my head i’m not like “ew, i hate midoriya! i want him gone!” like a lot of you seem to think. it’s more like:

damn that’s boring. midoriya, you deserve better than that. you could be That Deep. i’m sorry, my boy. 

[morethannotenough]

...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back. 

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard. 

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar. 

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now. 

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life. 

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it. 

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am. 

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable. 

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago. 

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings. 

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.” 

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight. 

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years. 

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

[lilith-wynn-sage]

The Power of Worry Reversal

The Power of Worry Reversal - Author Unknown

These are skills to help you reverse obsessive worries into positive, empowering, beneficial goals for yourself

Anticipation: Anticipating what you’d like to see happen instead of your obsessive, negative thoughts.  Anticipating good outcomes and getting excited about them.  Choosing empowering thoughts to motivate you.  It means anticipating your goal becoming a reality for you.

I have spent so much of my life squashing down the positive anticipation.  I used to be filled with hopes and dreams, until one by one they were crushed.  Over and over again I would suffer what I thought to be some strange karma for past life transgressions.  I could never understand why such awful things kept happening to me, so I slowly convinced myself that I didn’t deserve good things. I didn’t deserve to be happy. Instead, I decided that everything life threw at me was deserved because I was a worthless being and should be in the trash with the rest of the refuse.  It’s taken years, therapy practice, and medication to even come close to those happy days I had as a child, but so far it’s been worth it! One of my guilty pleasures is reading/listening to Joel Osteen, who in one of his recent books wrote about putting good thoughts out into the universe.  I’m back to thinking about karma, but instead of focusing on contrived past misfortunes, I’m focusing on future desires.  I say to myself, “I will graduate, I will be happy, I will be loved” and I do whatever is in my power to support these anticipations.

Planning: When you worry about something bad happening, you worry what will happen, how it will feel, and what you need to do to prevent it.  You need a plan of action to make anything happen. How can you plan your actions to make your goal a reality?

I worry SO MUCH.  My family jokes that it’s in our genes.  I worry about legit things--friends driving home safe--and I worry about silly things--the hot tub exploding for no reason, thus causing the gas grill to catch fire and burn our home to the ground and we’re all stuck inside of it and--.  I think of it as this “double talk” in my head, this back and forth of ideas, an argument between what others could think of as the angel and devil on your shoulder, but is in fact more complicated.  When it comes to planning I have a habit of planning for the worst, because the worst is what has happened to me in most/many occasions.  I used to feel that by just being happy I was inviting the worst.  Instead, I can plan to reach the goals that I want to happen.  I can still make contingency plans, but the overall sight has to be on making positive things reachable.  In order to do this I break tasks up into smaller, more manageable pieces.  Instead of thinking “Oh gods, I need to get up, get dressed, do all of my morning things, go to work, I can’t get all of this done RIGHT NOW, ahhhh!”, I think “All right, I’m up, first thing’s first, let’s pick out some clothing for the day...aaaand...success!”, “All right, let’s go brush our teeth and comb our hair...aaaaand...success!”.  With each success I feel better equipped to continue on to my next ‘challenge’ for the day.

Analyzing: When you worry, you examine the possibilities and details of the anticipated concern, weighing the pros and cons of worrying and making your goal a reality.

I over-analyze ALL THE THINGS. Haha, but seriously--my mind races so much, some days it’s all I can do to just get from point A to point B.  I believe it’s OK to analyze pros and cons, but in a healthier way than fixation.  I’ve taken to making mental lists and crossing out unhelpful bits that don’t further the plot of my goals.

Creative Visualization: Creative visualization is a way of using your mind to get what you want out of life.  Believe it or not, everyone uses it subconsciously.  For instance, people who subconsciously tell themselves that they are unlucky, unloved, unattractive, etc, actually make those things realities for themselves.  On the other hand, people who think they are fortunate, cherished, beautiful, etc. also make these things happen.

This is what Joel was writing about!  Putting ideas out into the universe and thus inviting them to come true.  If you put bad out, then bad will find you, if you put good out, good will find you.  I’m working on positive statements, “I am beautiful, I am smart, I am strong” etc., like a mantra of power to get me through the tough times.  I don’t always remember to do so, but when I do it helps!

By thinking of the good things you want to happen as part of a regular routine, you’re creating a positive energy.  This positive energy then takes on form as the actual reality you desired.

One important note, though.  This process is only to be used to create harmony and happiness for yourself and others.  You should not try to control another’s life (creating harm) in this manner, or any for that matter.  To do so would create discord in the natural balance of the universe, and ruin the healthy things you’ve done for yourself.

How Does Creative Visualization Work?

Here are some examples of creative visualization that might have happened to you through your subconscious.

*You think to yourself “I’m going to read a book,” and then you do.

*You believe you attract the “wrong” kind of man/woman, so that’s the kind that come into your life

Exactly me. I did, and sometimes still do, believe that I don’t deserve happiness, and thus more readily accept when bad things happen to me.  It’s damaging because I allow these bad things into my life to wreak havoc.  When I’m using creative visualization I think “not today havoc, not today!” and I put my foot down (figuratively, but in extreme cases quite literally).

Using creative visualization is not simply positive thinking.  It is a learning process.  We learn who we really are, deep inside.  What our basic feelings are towards ourselves, and how we might have been holding ourselves back.

How Do I Do It?

The first step is to relax.  Sit or lie in a comfortable position, and make a conscious effort to feel each part of your body relaxing.  Start at your toes, and work your way up to your head.  As you do this, take slow, deep breaths.  This should take a few minutes.  Another term for this is meditation.

The second step is to visualize.  Many people can’t “see” a mental picture at first, so if this happens don’t let it worry you.  After you’ve relaxed, you can “practice” visualizing by picturing things you see and do in everyday life.  Try to imagine enjoyable things.  You might picture your favorite room, or dancing with someone special, or eating your favorite meal.

Decide what it is that you want.  Is there something you want to change about yourself?

Next, picture the idea or object exactly as you want it to be.  Picture yourself in the situation or using the object as if you already possessed it.  Make sure you see this very clearly.  You might also draw the scene to reinforce the idea, although, this step is not necessary.

Once you’ve got the picture in your head, think of it often.  Not only when you are relaxing or meditating, but throughout the day as well.  This is the process of sending that positive energy out into the universe.  Remember the old saying “You reap what you sow”?  Well, You’re “sowing” when you think of what you want.  The more positive energy you send out, the more you will get back.