#but it would be horrifically traumatizing for him to deal with the kind of injuries common during the civil war

[allthatglittersisnotgoldrush]

I just finished watching Cold Mountain and re-reading “Yours Respectfully, Doegred.” We’re around 8 years from the start of the civil war (1861). What do you think would have happened to the Finweans if they had stayed in New York? Would some of them have joined up? Would they have paid someone to fight on their behalf? I don’t have solid opinions, except that if any of his brothers had gone off to war, then I have a sneaking suspicion Maedhros would’ve found a way to protect them. The average age of a Union soldier was 26, so I can see any of the boys signing up/getting drafted. Or maybe they make a business out of making firearms (aka Curufin gets rich off war). This is a “just for fun” question.

Hello again, friend! Sorry for the delay, we absolutely loved your question and—fun fact that will perhaps surprise you not at all—we have previously discussed how the Civil War will and/or would impact our Silmarillion AU characters. We have plotted out our adaptation’s timeline in its rough entirety, so I shan’t say if the American Civil War DOES feature at all but keep reading I guess to find out! ^_^

Without any spoilers, it is interesting to point out that our Fingon, blessed by his teaching from Dr. Olorin, practices medicine in a way very advanced for his time period (late 1840s-early 1850s, thus far). In fact, a lot of the rules of cleanliness, wound-care, etc that he implements developed in modern medicine as a result of the high casualty rate AND high amputation rate of the Civil War. That’s what a little extra Maia help will do for you, thanks Olorin 🙏🏻 As a rule, Fingon’s general approach to medicine is designed to be 10-15 years ahead of his time; no wonder folk like Celegorm are skeptical of his methods, at times.

(Tangentially related to this is that you may speculate—as we have—on how the sudden increase in limb amputations during the war will or would affect Maedhros’ own view of himself and his loss. Right now, he feels singled out and horribly conspicuous because of the missing hand. In ten years or more, during or after the War? The post-war new normal for the American general public might actually render him less notable. Furthermore, he would have had many years to adapt to his disability prior to the War, giving him a weird social edge—and that is even without any prosthetics Curufin might provide.)

Now, for the purely speculative part of your question: what if the Feanorians had stayed in the East? I think that Celegorm would be first to leap to enlist for the Union; once Celegorm went Curufin would go; once Curufin went Ambarussa would go. Maedhros would have instantly known how all of this would go down, and spurred by the need to protect his brothers as well as his own sense of right and wrong (inflamed by Feanor’s own abolitionist convictions) he would have enlisted also. Maglor, of course, would go only once Maedhros went.

The odd one out, actually, is Caranthir. I think that before he leaves for war, Maedhros would talk to Caranthir and impress upon him the importance of remaining at Formenos. Someone needs to stay out of the army to protect the family land, to manage the household accounts, and to be there for Nerdanel. Maedhros would have known Caranthir is best suited for this role, and it would have eased his mind greatly to know that even one of his brothers is “safe,” whatever that means in wartime.

(Once in the military, I do agree that Curufin would have, if given opportunity, set to work at the armories and improving the poor muskets and cannons that were available at the time. The big caveat is if he would have had the chance.)

As an aside, it is worth bringing up Finrod, who would be an interesting study during the War. Ten years or so more mature, he would perhaps be a little more settled into what contemporaries might call Wisdom. He would be intensely devoted to the Union’s cause on the basis of fighting for emancipation; being still distrustful of Government and Nationalism, however, he would not be overly fond of the popular idea of fighting for the Union itself. Political cause will never move our Finrod as deeply as moral cause, however he interprets moral right and wrong to be. In his mind (correctly, of course) slavery is a supreme evil, thus the South must be defeated. Any talk of Keeping the Union Whole, or of the pragmatic necessity of retaining the wealth of the South for the Country, would be distasteful to Finrod as a distraction from the True Goal. Perhaps he would have been a writer of Pamphlets, in his spare time, which Maedhros would read with great interest whenever he had opportunity to possess one out at the front.

One last note! Folk in California, although on the opposite side of the continent, were deeply involved with the Civil War, in a wide variety of ways. Some sent back funds to help with their respective side of the war effort. Some put together volunteer militias who journeyed back East to join the front line. Some traveled back independently to join already established units. There was even some fighting in California, as the abolitionist, pro-Union citizens of California coordinated to thwart any attempts by secessionists to either provide aid to the South or to seize control of state government outright. One can easily imagine how our various cast of characters would behave in such a crisis, for good or for ill!

Thanks for the question, keep them coming!

[mwolf0epsilon]

@milfcutlawquane it all comes down to neuroplasticity.

Neuroplasticity is the ability of neural networks in the brain to change through growth and reorganization. Which basically means, it's when the brain is rewired to work in a different way from how it previously worked.

Example: After someone suffers a traumatic brain injury it's possible for the brain to recover. This is due to brain cell growth, and the ability the brain has to rewire certain pathways to compensate for damaged ones. This is a very basic example of neuroplasticity at work.

Why is this important for my idea of how reconditioning works? It kind of comes down to age.

Neuroplasticity can occur at any age, but the younger a child is, the more easier changes will occur. Which means reconditioning (which I see as being a sort of hard reset to get the brain of a clone back to "factory settings") is only successful in cadets who are still in the earlier developmental stages.

Young cadets who have not yet mastered walking, holding utensils and structuring phrases beyond the basics of one syllable words, have a higher chance of a swifter recovery because they're in a developmental stage where they're going to learn those things regardless of whether or not they're a little behind compared to their peers.

If a much older cadet is reconditioned however... Well they'd be forced to learn all of that all over again, which means resorting to flash-training and physio on top of already having their neurological pathways tampered with. They'd essentially be suffering through some pretty severe TBIs, plus having motor skill issues and likely speech impediments, which makes them less than ideal to have out on the field.

It's why reconditioning is a last resort when it comes to dealing with fully grown clone troopers. In the eyes of the Kaminoans it's probably easier to just decommission and produce newer fitter troopers rather than deal with unpredictable results.

Where do Cody and Dogma fit in all of this?

Well, while I do love people's takes on Dogma being reconned, I myself see him as being autistic and severely traumatized due to being singled out and subjected to harsher treatment from trainers and any cadet desperate enough not to be seen as the weaker link during training.

Dogma's loyal because it's a personality trait and he's got really strong convictions. He's also very strict with himself and others because compliance and stiff adherence to rules he knows work, are what keep him and other troopers safe. Old habits die hard and can cause a lot of grief due to miscommunication and misunderstandings.

Meanwhile Cody seems like the sort of trooper who was likely to be very unruly during cadethood (the man punches and kicks droids, and even dogpiled General Grievous, you can't tell me he wasn't a bit of a hellspawn when he was a cadet) and who would have been subjected to reconditioning to keep him in line.

It would have happened when he was young enough to more easily recover from the adverse affects (falling behind when learning to walk, talk and refining his dexterity) and during a period of time where there was no Jedi stationed at Kamino to ensure the troopers weren't subjected to inhumane conditions/open use in medical experimentation.

To anyone who doesn't personally know them, Cody and Dogma are difficult to read and come off as excessively rigid. In reality they both experienced some pretty horrific trauma and are coping in ways they know (Cody behaving like the perfect calm and collected and somewhat emotionless soldier while around people he doesn't quite trust, and Dogma clinging to what he knows works rather than risking putting a foot out of line least the consequences be the end of him and anyone who might be potentially involved).

I have thoughts on how reconditioning works and honestly it makes my headcanon that the only clone the 501st, 212th and their Jedi know that's been reconned is not in fact Dogma, but actually Cody.

[anxiousnerdwritings]

Highs and Lows

Tw: mentions of deaths, drug usage/drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, and yandere themes

It had been a while since you felt that sense of belonging, that familial security. After what had happened to your family the Zarick’s had been kind enough to open themselves and their home up to you. They made you feel like family and not some charity case. They were all so loving and inviting, you couldn’t believe just how lucky you’d gotten.

That was until tragedy struck once again. Joey had died in a freak accident on the way home from school.

You weren’t the same after what happened to Joey and no one should have expected you to be, especially since you had witnessed the accident first hand. You were traumatized and scarred. All you saw when you closed your eyes was the same horrific scene repeating and it wouldn’t stop.

When you thought things couldn’t get worse Wiliam died shortly after finding out about Joey. You could still remember his reaction, how he ran out of the house with some kind of intention in mind, leaving you and Denise in pieces. You never would be able to know what he had planned when he abruptly left that night.

If only you knew it would be the last time you saw him, maybe you could have tried harder to stop him.

After that Blue Valley didn’t seem like home anymore. Denise just wanted to get away from anything and everything that reminded her of what she and you both lost. You were more than willing to leave when she brought up moving. You wanted to get away just as much as her. Everywhere you looked you were haunted by the memories of two loving people who were taken away far too early. It was just you and Denise now and you both wanted nothing more than to leave your ghosts behind.

Everything was set and ready to go. Denise even seemed more rushed than before to leave Blue Valley behind. The two of you were in the car and everything seemed normal. The radio was playing but it was only to fill the silence. Neither of you knew what to say, a part of you felt guilty for leaving yours and the Zarick’s home. It felt like you were abandoning Joey and William but that warmth from before just wasn’t there anymore.

Everything seemed so cold and dark, like all the light had been sucked out. This place was only a reminder of sadness and hurt. Even the good times couldn’t outweigh the burden in your hearts.

It was quiet for a while longer before Denise spoke up, “This is for the best, (Y/n). There was nothing left in Blue Valley. Not anymore. It’s just us now.” She was trying to keep her voice from breaking and you were trying to keep your tears at bay, but you knew she was right.

You were all she had now and she was all you had.

And that was the last thing on your mind before a crashing noise hit your ears. Both you and Denise were sent rolling.

When you open your eyes again, you were waking up in the hospital back in Blue Valley. You were obviously hurt, body aching from the ordeal it had been through. It’s only when you try to sit up that you realize you aren’t alone.

A firm, yet gentle, hand pushes you to lay back down. Looking up, you’re greeted by a man you’ve never met before. You’re too caught up in your staring and confusion to realize he’s speaking, “You shouldn’t try and strain yourself. Not after the ordeal you’ve been put through.”

Once you’re laying back comfortably again, the man fixes his suit and heads back to a chair off in the corner, you assume he had been occupying it before you awoke.

It’s unsettling to say the least and all the more ominous, the way he stares at you that is. His gaze is intense and it scares you. It’s like he’s trying to see everything that you are and everything you’ve ever been. The coldness of the room doesn’t help ease your anxiety. If anything it adds to it, making you feel all the more vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself. I am Jordan Mahkent, I am- well, I was a friend of William’s.” Oh, so he was familiar with your past adoptive father? That made you feel a little more at ease.

“Oh, um...okay. By chance do you know where Denise is? I would really like to see her.” For some reason it feels like the room’s gotten colder. It doesn’t help that you can’t quite read the expression on Jordan’s face. That is until it turns into one of sympathy.

“I’m sorry, Y/n, but Denise didn’t make it.” You could feel all the air leave your sore lungs. What the hell was he talking about? Denise didn’t make it? But she had been right next to you the last you remember.

Throat dry you try to speak again, “What so you mean? She was there, I was with her and she was fine!” You’re choked up, tears streaming down your face. You don’t even notice that Jordan is now sitting next to you, wiping your tears away with a hand considerably colder than normal. He’s trying to be comforting but all you can focus on are his words echoing in your head.

“I’ve got you, Y/n. I’m here for you now.”

////

There wasn’t a single day that passed without Jordan visiting you. You had to stay awhile longer in the hospital to recover, especially given you had woken up from a coma due to the crash. You didn’t mind though, you didn’t feel right being back in Blue Valley and you were still processing how you lost everything in a matter of a few days.

But Jordan was nice. He was patient but most importantly he was there for you. He seemed kind enough. He would even tell you stories about when he and William were close. It was comforting hearing about William, especially in his youth but it still hurt to hear his name knowing full well he wouldn’t be coming back.

The day of you getting discharged, Jordan had offered that you stay with him and his family. Thai scenario felt oddly familiar. Similar to how you’d been brought into the Zarick family. You couldn’t deny that it was a kind gesture and it’s not like you had anywhere else to go.

His family was just as welcoming as the Zarick’s had been. You kept trying to remind yourself that these people weren’t your past family but the memories and comparisons just wouldn’t leave you alone. You couldn’t quite put your finger on whether it was healthy for you to think this way or not.

It hurt, that much was for certain. It didn’t help that you felt like you were not only replacing your old family but that you were also using these nice, generous people to fill a void in you from everything that you’d lost. It didn’t feel right at all to you and the Mahkent’s definitely didn’t deserve it either. They were just trying to do a good thing after all.

You tried giving what you could to this new family but it was hard. You were obviously depressed and still dealing with what happened to the Zarick’s. You just wanted your family back. You just wanted your Joey, your William and your Denise again. You just wanted to be home with them, where you were happy and content. The only thing that seemed to make you feel better were the pain killers the doctor had prescribed and they didn’t make you feel anything. You’d guess that the numbness was better than the hurt in the long run. Not to mention it helped keep away the horrible images in your head of Joey’s death, even if only for awhile.

And sometimes, if you were lucky, you could see William, Denise, and Joey. It was as if they were right there with you, like the four of you were together again. It was nice to say the least. It gave what you needed, even if it was just a little taste of it.

Fortunately for you, your injuries and trauma were severe enough that you were given a prescription of painkillers to refill as long as you needed them. You could feel numb and be with your family again whenever you needed to, as long as you had that prescription.

As hard as you tried to keep this away from anyone else, especially the Mahkents, you weren’t very successful. Jordan knew something wasn’t quite right. He was understanding that you would need time to adapt and get comfortable with them but he thought you would surely grow to love and be part of his family by now. Don’t get him wrong, Jordan was seeing you trying to be involved but it wasn’t enough. You were still holding back.

It wasn’t until Cameron came to him, worried about you that he started to see a different change in you. You seemed spacey and not really in the moment but that was understandable given your medication. It was some pretty strong stuff after all. But Jordan took note to ask about it at your next checkup. Thankfully you had to have mandatory checkups and your most recent one was coming up.

But Jordan was going to have a talk with Henry, not only for some information on this specific medication but also to have Henry tell him just what was going on in that head of yours.

Your check up went well. You still need your medication but the dosage as been dropped. Once your assigned doctor heard that you were acting just a little too out of it they thought it was about time to decrease your medicine, even though the before amount shouldn’t have affected you like that. After that was said and done, Jordan left you at the vending machine and headed off to Henry.

It didn’t take him long to find Henry nor did it take Henry long to read your thoughts. But once Jordan heard what was going through your head, he couldn’t quite pinpoint how or what he was feeling exactly. One thing was for certain though, he was going to be monitoring your medicine intake from now on.

You knew you had a problem. You were conscious of that and you had tried to stop but you couldn’t bring yourself to. You wanted the hurt to stop, you just wanted to stop feeling altogether. And that’s just what you got when you took a few extra pills then prescribed. You guess you should have been more mindful. That’s why when Jordan started handing out your medication a part of you was relieved. Maybe things could get better. Maybe you could get better. But then that all too familiar itch was back and you were in need.

But Jordan was determined to not to let you destroy yourself. He didn’t care what you lost at this point. You had something new and alive right in front of you. You had a family right in front of you. But you weren’t seeing them. You weren’t seeing him. You weren’t seeing anything anymore.

It’s all getting to be too much. Everything is getting to be too much.

You’re starting to feel too much. You’re starting to feel everything.

Everything is so overwhelming and erratic.

Your emotions are so overwhelming and erratic. What do you do? What is there to do?

Before you know it, your standing at the very bridge where Joey’s accident happened. You’re only standing, staring off, not a single thought passing through. Then you’re somehow over the railing, standing on the edge of one of the steel beams holding the bride up. It’s only now that a thought comes to mind, one single word: Jump.

But you don’t really want to, do you?

You would get to be with your family again.

But then you would be leaving behind another family.

You would finally not have to feel anything anymore.

But you would be hurting others in the process.

You could be happy again.

But would you really?

Jump.

Jump.

JUMP!!!

You’re crying now. You can feel the tears, you can taste them from the corner of your mouth. You can hear something. You can hear someone calling out to you. Turning your head, you see Jordan running over towards you. He’s panicked but his voice is calm.

“Y/n? What are you doing over there??? Come here. Come on, I got you.” He’s holding his arms out for you. He’s here for you. That’s when it hits you, the realization of what you were just about to do. And you’re scared, reaching out to him. Jordan gets close enough to grab hold of you, pulling you over the railing like nothing.

He’s clutching you close, so close it hurts. But it’s a good hurt. It means you’re there with him, that he has you safe in his arms. It doesn’t even matter how cold he is anymore.

You’re sobbing now, clutching at him just as feverishly. “I’m sorry!! I’m so sorry!! I didn’t mean it! I don’t want to die!!!”

He tries to console you, still holding you so tightly. His voice is calm, soothing as he says, “You’re okay, you’re safe now. Everything’s going to be okay, Y/n. I promise.”

No, you don’t want to die. Of course you want to see William, Denise and Joey again. You want nothing more than to finally be reunited with them once more but you just can’t.

Not yet. Not now.

And they can wait. The’ll wait for as long as they have to. They’ll always be waiting for you.

[jasminedragonart]

Sometimes I wonder what would have become of Batman if comic readers weren't so... edgy and awful.

Like, it's kind of messed up that people hated a child character that much they voted for him to die.

They could have had Jason live and I dont know, stop being robin because he was traumatically injured. But no, people voted for a child to die.

Like I know it's not a real kid, but people really be out there thinking killing a fictional kid is going to make them happy.

I'm all for angst. But I think reading about Jason recovering, maybe even being left disabled, would have been a much more interesting read than a death that eventually gets retconned.

Oracle is a good example of where I'm coming from. They didnt kill her off. Instead they made her deal with the reality of horrific injuries and she still, to this day, is often portrayed as Oracle over Batgirl because her character really blossomed through figuring out this new life. It sent a good message too. That she could still be a hero even in her wheelchair.

Imagine if theyd done that to Jason. His death is basically meaningless. All deaths in the DC spectrum are since they're brought back to life the next day. But injuries seem to last.

Imagine of Jason was left deaf from the explosion. Blind? He has seizures from his brain trauma? He's paralysed like Barbara? How would bruce help him? How would Jason's character evolve? Would he become someone like Daredevil? Would he join Oracle?

I think death shouldn't be the big shock factor it's often used for now. It's kind of meaningless,especially when there are other things that can still cause angst and give you a longer lasting, more compelling story instead.

[thismoleculeisacomedian]

WWI and PTSD in “Downton Abbey”

PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is portrayed in some way for each character in DA who served during World War I. I’m going to break down each character’s mental status portrayal. (See tags for content warnings before proceeding; we’re talking about WWI here, so be forewarned: it is grim.)

Mr. Lang:

Here was the most obvious portrayal of PTSD, or shell-shock as it was known in this time period, as it was actually named as such. (Shell-shock, of course; it was not known as PTSD yet, nor would it be until after the Vietnam War.) Mr. Lang is not someone we see prior to the war/his military service, but can still certainly see the impact on his mental state. He had the following: flashbacks, night terrors, startle responses, moments where he seemed to hear artillery fire and other war noises, short attention span, feeling of being profoundly different from those around him, panic attacks....I felt so bad for him. If someone has incapacitating panic attacks and breaks with reality, they should be in a hospital. He was very sick. He is portrayed in a sensitive way, and gets some degree of compassion from the other characters (even Mr. Carson who isn’t...usually very sympathetic to anyone). It also showed his helplessness to handle his mental illness, which is the most accurate thing it could have done: no one can ‘fix’ themselves all by themselves, but the stigma around PTSD/mental illness at the time period meant that most of those people had to suffer in silence in a way that no one should have had to. The people around him respond in ways that often betray their discomfort, which likely stemmed from lack of understanding. 

Matthew: 

Matthew had one of the more subtle portrayals of PTSD among these characters; he didn’t convey a great deal of fear in battle or immediately after; however, those who know the signs and symptoms of PTSD know that the brief moments when he goes silent, and appears almost frozen with memory, that is a sign that he may be having slight episodes of dissociation. The cessation of sound and appearance of him being almost not in himself is a trademark sign of dissociation, or ‘floating above it’ as people often describe this sensation. There are times when it seems that he is the stereotypical war hero who is never thrown by the horrors, and who carries on as before, but anyone who can spot the subtler signs of PTSD can probably pick up on the fact that although he is alright, he is not okay.

Thomas:

Thomas, it conveyed had PTSD through both his actions, and through some stylistic techniques. Like Matthew, it conveys that he dissociated when the man he was trying to get to safety bleeds out in front of him and, more jarringly, his comrade gets abruptly shot through the head, within seconds of each other. Thomas was the character with whom we saw the most sudden, horrific kind of death that was characteristic of the western front. This makes sense, as he was a medic, and thus probably more than anyone else would probably feel responsible for the wellbeing of those around him. It’s easy to imagine that he felt a specific kind of guilt as a result; the guilt of perhaps feeling he’d failed those he was supposed to help. His trauma is also portrayed through his actions: namely, the blind fear of death (”when will my luck run out?”) and also likely exhaustion being why he intentionally got himself shot. (That scene...God. I felt a literal chill go down my neck as I imagined the blind terror that would be both behind and a result of such an awful choice.) He didn’t want to die, but he easily could have, but more than that: he needed to get out before his mind was totally gone. He must have seen many, many soldiers with PTSD and may have been self-aware enough to know that he wasn’t far behind them, and just needed to get out. (To put some things in perspective here: the average tour of duty modern day is ~12 months because you literally cannot ask more of a human being. Thomas had been in the Somme for somewhere between 24 and 30 months.)

Edward Courtenay:

It never expressly says he had PTSD, but rather that his blindness as a result of a gas attack at (I assume?) the Somme was the root cause of his depression and ultimately committing suicide. 

Mrs. Patmore’s nephew:

Archie is never an on-screen character, but he is referenced throughout the season and then later on in the series with the war memorial. Mrs. Patmore was clearly (understandably) destroyed by the news that Archie was essentially executed by his fellow soldiers for ‘cowardice’ which we are meant to take means mental illness. (It was usually associated with a certain action, like running away or intentional injury, but really, nobody does those things when they aren’t, as Mrs. Patmore said, “out of their minds with fear”.) So Archie is treated as a sympathetic character by the narrative, and by Mrs. Patmore and the one person she felt was trustworthy in context, Mr. Lang. (Later on, however, Mr. Carson makes a snippy comment about how it would be insulting to the ones who “did their duty” to remember him along with them, though he fortunately gets upstaged by Robert when Robert gets a war memorial for him out of kindness to Mrs. Patmore.) Overall, he is remember by the characters in a way that was deservedly very sympathetic, though it shows how unfair the wider world was at the time.

In short: it shows why people born from 1885-1900 were referred to as the “Lost Generation”. 

[ejzah]

A/N: This idea was originally suggested by @mashmaiden and is the next in a series about Deeks at FLETC, but deviates from canon. I put took me a very long time to figure out and I’m still not sure if I am fully happy with it.

In a previous fic, an instructor had asked Deeks to speak on his experience when he was tortured by Sidorov. Since this deals with some events from Descent/Ascension, there is mention of violence, trauma, and PTSD symptoms.

***

A Matter of Experience

Deeks let out a very long breath as he waited for other students to arrive. After a lot of consideration, he had decided to grant Flores’ “offer”. He still absolutely hated the idea, but he knew he was technically doing Flores a favor. Plus, Flores wasn’t wrong. Most of the current candidates had never experienced anything as traumatic as he had.

He hoped they never would.

The night before he’d spent a couple hours going over a rough draft of his presentation. Deeks had also covered some ground rules with Flores. Although he had no control over what questions his classmates would ask, he reserved the right to refuse to answer.

Pulling in another long breath, he closed his eye and rolled his neck a couple of times.

“You ok, Deeks?” Flores asked, actually looking concerned. He had an odd mixture of ruthlessness and deep understanding which didn’t necessarily work well together.

“Yeah, fine. I’m good.” He felt vaguely queasy and restless, but he wasn’t about to tell Flores that. “We never discussed what I should do if no one has questions,” he added. “Do you have a back up lecture?”

“Oh believe me, there’s always questions with this case. We’ll be lucky if we get out on time.” He seemed to realize that he sounded a little insensitive. “Based on what I’ve heard about you, you can handle this Deeks. But if you changed your mind, I won’t judge you.”

That strange feeling of embarrassment returned, but he didn’t have time to evaluate it or respond to Flores as other students started trickling in.

Deeks had purposely chosen a chair to the side and a few rows in where he wouldn’t be too obvious, but could get up without too much trouble. Flores gave them a couple minutes to settle and then walked to the front of the room.

“Good Morning, everyone. I hope you’re all managing your classes alright,” he said. “For today’s class we will be focusing on case study 9.”

He paused as the majority of the class flipped to the appropriate page. Deeks’ pulse pounded faintly in his ears and he swallowed twice, closing his eyes briefly. Even if the details weren’t burned into his memory, he’d reviewed the case, just to be sure he wasn’t caught off guard.

It was surprisingly straightforward, not overly gratuitous and Flores reviewed the details with surprising speed. There was no getting past the pictures though. They were graphic, nauseating. He knew the exact moment everyone saw them and heard someone behind him whisper his name.

When Flores ended the lecture, which was over much faster than Deeks would have liked, he nodded to Deeks and added,

“Now some of you may know that one of your colleagues was involved in this case and he was kind enough to agree to share his experiences with us.” Deeks stood up, joining Flores at the front of the room. “Please welcome Marty Deeks, former LAPD Detective.” Flores gave him what he guessed was supposed to be a supportive pat on the arm and then sat down a few feet away.

It was clear that many of the candidates hadn’t made the connection between him and the battered guy in their text book, but as he glanced around, realized that maybe half the class were watching him with the same strange reverence Omar, Jake, and Charlie had when they first met.

Clearing his throat, he pulled in yet another shallow breath and glanced down at the small stack of notecards in his hand, then stuffed them in his pocket.

“As, uh, Instructor Flores said, I’m Marty Deeks,” he started, pausing to clear his throat again. “But most people just call me Deeks. If any of you have spent more than a few minutes around me, you’ve probably figured out that I have a terrible habit of talking too much.”

A couple people chuckled, but most stayed silent, some looking curious, others intrigued, and a few, mainly Alan, outright suspicious. He’d expected some skepticism since, as usual, he didn’t fit into the mold they expected.

“Like it says in that case study, Agent Hanna and I were captured and held by a Russian arms dealer. They took turns torturing us-“ He swallowed harshly, holding back the shiver that crept up his spine and continued. “to gain information about a colleague who was undercover.

“They had us in separate rooms, but I could still see what they were doing to Agent Hanna. I couldn’t do anything though because I was bound to a chair. I could only watch as they electrocuted him and wait to see what else they had planned for me.”

Before he could continued, Alan raised his hand, his gaze almost defiant and angry as he waited for him to respond.

“Did you have a question?” Deeks asked mildly.

“What was it like?” he said, watching Deeks eagerly, and maybe with a touch of disbelief in his voice as he eyed him. “The case study mentioned that you experienced dental trauma, but it didn’t really go into detail.”

Flores started to intercede from behind him, but Deeks held up a hand, holding him back. If Alan wanted details, he could give him details. He’d avoided the guy as much as possible and put his arrogance and aggressiveness down to immaturity, but now Deeks was truly annoyed.

“No it’s ok.” He smiled tightly at Alan. “One guy shoved this metal device in my mouth so I couldn’t close it. Then Sidorov got out a drill and demanded to know the truth. The whole time I was lying my ass off, trying to keep it together even though I knew he was going to stick that thing in my mouth.”

His breath hitched a little as he felt the phantom pain of the drill bit obliterating his teeth. Someone swore under their breath and Deeks felt perverse satisfaction when Alan squirmed uncomfortably.

Forcing the memories back, he took a couple of slow breaths and then added,

“I ended up with multiple broken teeth, damage to my mandible, and shredded gums-so yeah, dental trauma as they so nicely put it.” Maybe that was going a step too far, but it seemed pointless and Flores had wanted them to know what it was really like. “It took years for me to stop flinching when I heard a drill or to make it through getting my teeth cleaned without almost knocking the hygienist’s lights out. To this day, it’s probably the single most horrific thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Everyone’s eyes were on him, the anticipation and tension almost tangible. A woman-he thought her name was possibly Maria-raised her hand and Deeks nodded for her to speak. Unlike some of her peers, she wasn’t staring at him like he was a particularly interesting soap opera.

“You said it took you years to get over the trauma,” she started a little hesitantly. “Exactly how long did it take?”

“I wish I could tell you that there’s a point when it no longer affects you, but it never really happens,” Deeks said with a gentle smile, sorry he couldn’t give her the answer she so clearly wanted. He saw her face fall and he realized just how young she was and probably pretty horrified at this point. “The memories and dreams and all the other symptoms can lessen over time. They never go away though. That trauma, those scars, they are with you forever.”

“So you’re saying there’s nothing we can do about it?” Another student asked, sounding annoyed and maybe a little scared. “If something like this happens to us, we just live with the trauma for the rest of our lives.”

Deeks shook his head.

“No, there’s a lot you can do. Go to therapy, let the people you love help you, and whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself.” A memory of eating bad takeout with Kensi when he was at his lowest point and added, “Whatever you do, don’t try to face if alone. Believe me, your friends and family will be everything.”

The questions continued for the remainder of the class and as Flores predicted, they went over by 15 minutes. Deeks was completely exhausted and a little shaky, but overall not as much as he had expected. He would probably pay the price for being so explicit about his injuries with a resurgence of nightmares.

“Nice work,” Instructor Flores complimented him as he was packing up his notes and untouched book. “I didn’t expect you to be that...open.”

Deeks grimaced, realizing that he’d basically taken over the class and gone completely off script from what they discussed.

“Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away.”

“No, you got the point across. And that’s what they needed.” Flores patted his arm and nodded his appreciation. “Thank you.”

Deeks left the room, intending to skip lunch and go straight to bed until his next class. Maybe he’d get in a quick call to Kensi. The sound of her voice sounded very appealing and comforting right now. He was about halfway down the hall when someone called out,

“Deeks!” He groaned, recognizing Alan’s distinctive voice and turned as he approached, not up for dealing with him at the moment. He stopped a couple feet from Deeks, eyeing him warily.

“Was Everything you said in there true?” he asked and Deeks rolled his eyes, huffing out an exasperated sigh.

“No, Alan. I just made it up so I could get free implants,” Deeks answered derisively. “Now are you done trying to intimidate me? Talking about the guys who drilled holes in my mouth is a little bit exhausted.”

Alan flinched, but didn’t back down.

“I wasn’t trying to insult you.” He glared at Deeks as though he’d done something wrong.

“So implying that I embellished a case to make myself sound better isn’t an insult?” Alan muttered a fairly creative curse under his breath and then said,

“I’m sorry for what I said the first time we met. I was wrong about you, ok?” He shook his head, jaw clenched like the words were almost painful for him to say. Looking at the ground, he admitted, “Look, I’m struggling with a lot of the courses.”

“And you’re telling this to the guy you hate because...?” Deeks asked, not overly surprised to hear that Alan wasn’t doing well. He’d heard quite a few stories about him clashing with instructors among other things.

“Because I need help and you seem to actually know what you’re doing,” Alan said bluntly, apparently past his embarrassment. “So what do I need to do?”

Deeks blinked at him for a second, resisting the urge to laugh. Even in a moment of crisis, the guy was still making demands.

“Well one thing that I always have to remind myself about is to not let yourself get cocky.“

Alan gave him an incredulous look and shook his head.

“What? That’s your expert advice? Don’t be cocky.”

“A piece of it. It’s easy to get full of yourself. I do it all the time, but there’s always room to grow. New things to learn,” Deeks told him with a shrug.

“What could you possibly have to learn?” Alan asked acerbically. “I’ve seen you in most of these classes and you don’t even break a sweat. It’s freaking annoying.”

Deeks actually did laugh then and nodded.

“I do have a lot of experience. Like you pointed out, I’m the old guy.” Alan didn’t look amused so he sighed, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “Look, if you want you can join the study sessions I have with some of other guys. But if you do, you need to lose the attitude because there’s not time for that.”

Alan clenched his jaw, but nodded in apparent agreement.

“I’ll think about it.” With that he turned abruptly, adding a terse, “Thanks.” As he walked away.

Deeks just watched him go, shaking his head, and glanced down at his watch. If he hurried he could maybe just squeeze in a half hour nap and the call to Kensi.

***

A/N: I know this one ends a little abruptly, but I figure I’ll be writing more in this series.

[spockandawe]

So, a thing I want

For no other reason than vague impulsive emotional gratification

Is I want a fic where Xue Yang goes through the ordeal with Chang Ci’an, gets beat up, gets beat up again, gets hit in the face with a whip and run over and gets his hand crushed

And then Xie Lian notices this child lying horribly injured on the side of the road, picks him up, and takes care of him

This has been vaguely bouncing around in my head for a while, but this excellent+upsetting fic brought it to the front of my head again. Because Xue Yang was seven and this was a horrifying injury for anyone to receive, especially a kid, especially a kid without money or parents, especially a kid who probably had nobody who cared about him enough to even take care of him.

Now, where I run into some issues is that I don’t necessarily want this to be... enough. It feels cheap for this to be enough to stop baby Xue Yang from growing up into adult Xue Yang. And at the point Xie Lian might step in to help him, Xue Yang has already been burned, badly, and has plenty of reasons to hate the world and mistrust adults. But I want to see what it does do. 

I’m not even sure that Xue Yang would be willing to stick around with Xie Lian for long at this point, not once he’s healed up. I could see it swinging either way, but I do think that one of the biggest lessons Xue Yang took away from his childhood was ‘if you’re stupid enough to trust someone, they’ll use it to hurt you.’ And by the start of tgcf, Xie Lian is very... numb to loss. He’s used to losing everything, even people, and it doesn’t seem like he particularly expects anything good to stick around, and it really feels like a (depressingly major) paradigm shift when he starts tentatively hoping Hua Cheng will stick around. If Xue Yang made a run for it, even if Xie Lian was worried that he wasn’t completely healed yet, I don’t think Xie Lian would try that hard to stop him.

On the other hand, I could see Xue Yang tentatively deciding to be opportunistic, and take this sucker for anything he can until the guy runs out of patience and decides to throw him out. And Xie Lian is poor, which almost definitely feels safer than trusting a rich adult, and he’s an incredibly kind, gentle man. If anyone could coax a scared, traumatized child into trusting him without bolting, it would be Xie Lian. and xie lian is used to dealing with the aftermath of horrific injuries

Plus, Xie Lian is lonely, and he likes children. In canon, it takes him almost no time at all to start taking care of Lang Ying and Guzi. And he’s been a teacher before. If he could coax what had happened out of Xue Yang (I don’t think it would have been hard at that point in time, especially when he’d already seen the aftermath), I bet he would have been more than willing to teach Xue Yang some basics of how to protect himself and keep himself safe.

Actually, you know what, I might have convinced myself into this. We don’t know who taught Xue Yang, but we know he’s very good at fighting. I very, very much like the idea that Xie Lian was his first teacher, and might not have taught him for long, but gave him a solid foundation to build upon.

Though I really do think that this can’t be something that lasts for all that long, or we’d lose who Xue Yang is as an adult. Which I feel might be the impetus for him eventually leaving? He comes away from the Chang Ci’an incident angry. That’s not on the page, but it pretty much has to be the case, otherwise everything else would never have happened. And Xie Lian isn’t an angry man, he doesn’t like being angry, and it’s extremely hard to provoke him that way. By the time Xue Yang reaches, oh, somewhere in the ten-preteen years, if he can feel himself starting to lose his grasp on his own anger, I can see that being his impetus for leaving Xie Lian. I like that a lot. A few years to heal, to learn the basics of martial arts, and to reluctantly, grudgingly admit that there is at least one (1) decent adult in the word... and to decide to leave, because this isn’t him, and he doesn’t want to lose his sense of self.

I like this a lot, even without changing anything about the story he tells later about his hand, and losing his finger. He only shared that story in a moment of desperation, and I think it was difficult to admit, openly, to being in such a vulnerable position. I feel like he would have an even harder time sharing that someone cared for him afterwards, when he was completely helpless, and never did wrong by him, and that Xue Yang cared for him. Sharing that he was hurt was hard enough, hinting that he might want to be taken care of would be even worse. But if he imprinted on Xie Lian that way, it would add some interesting flavor to his fascination with Xiao XIngchen in Yi CIty. That makes two times when he was hurt and helpless, and was saved by a poor wandering cultivator, who took care of him selflessly and asked for nothing in return. He thought he knew who Xiao Xingchen was, and hated him for it, but this, maybe, changes things. A little.

Also, picture Xie Lian setting the bones in baby Xue Yang’s hand and comforting him through the process. Also also, picture adult Xue Yang stumbling across a shrine that Hua Cheng built to the Flower-Crowned Martial God, and just..... wondering.

[jawritter]

You and Me...

Chapter 12

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** Therapy session, talk of trauma and trauma-related repercussions, mild talk of nightmares/night terrors, talk of flashbacks, language probably, Hint of body insecurities due to rape. Suggested discussion of rape. I think that’s pretty much it.

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Word Count: 3151 (sorry this one is a little long)

A/N: Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. This is something I actually did and witness, and I realize this one might be hard to read because it is a little heavy.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

A short three hours later you found yourself sitting in a small clean room on a small deep grey couch. Two end tables on each end dark oak wood and a coffee table in front of you to match. The carpets are also dark grey. Certificates lined the walls, showing off different degrees, and other accomplishments of the therapist you were here to see. A large window overlooking downtown Austin across from you, and in front of it a large chair and an end table to match other furniture in the room. 

A younger woman, Dr. Melissa Johnson,  who insisted on everyone being on a first-name basis with each other in order to make Jensen feel more comfortable, sitting in the large chair in front of the window, her clipboard in hand, listening closely to everything Jensen had to say. 

You knew this wouldn’t be an easy visit for him, and honestly, he was doing better than you thought he would. He was much calmer than you think you would be in that situation. 

Melissa hadn’t rushed him or pushed him, she simply said. “Okay, Jensen, let’s start from the beginning.” 

That’s where you found yourself now. 

Jensen was sitting on the other end of the small couch to your left, as you listened to things that they had done to him, things you only thought happened to people in horror movies. A tape recorder was going on the coffee table. It was more horrific than you thought. The things they did to him made it was hard to keep your breakfast down. 

You were trying not to let it show on your face. He was doing so well with opening up and finally telling what had happened to him. Not without some convincing that he was in a safe, judgment-free space, but still, you didn’t want him to see you get upset, and then in turn get upset or feel like you were judging him in any way. He was so vulnerable right now. He didn’t need you to be weak.

"Then the next time I came to myself I was in the hospital, and Jared was sleeping on the small couch in the room," he said, shaking so hard you could almost hear his teeth chattering, a light sheen of sweat dripping down his face that he quickly wiped away. 

You knew it was incredibly hard for him to tell that story. Hell, you don't know if you would have been able to go into detail that way.

Once he started talking though it just seemed to flow out of him and keep coming, gruesome detail after gruesome detail.

Melissa put the clipboard down on the table and looked at the two of you. 

“How are you doing now that you're out of the hospital? How are you feeling? Something obviously convinced you to come and see me today. Help me to understand where you're at right now.”

Jensen cleared his throat and set up straighter in the corner of the couch, hands nervously running up and down his knees. His eyes shifting uncomfortably around the room. He finally just shook his head, not answering anyone for a long time. She gave him time, and you did as well. Though you could literally feel your heart racing in your ears.

“I…. I don’t… I don’t really know how to explain it,” he said, shaking his head. You knew that wasn’t the whole truth, but you weren’t about to say a damn thing.

 "Jensen, you went through quite a trauma. Some things are going to come to the surface, the nightmares, night terrors, flashbacks. That's all part of experiencing any sort of trauma. It's your brain's way of dealing with unnatural things. Things that are traumatic. Hallucinations have even been reported in some cases. If you're having any of those things, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Something obviously made you decide to come to see me today... I can’t help you unless you open up to me. This is a safe space, remember." 

Jensen took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “All of it, I’m having all of it... Everything you described, and it’s all so fucking real.”

Your heart broke at that moment. You wanted more than anything to reach out and at least grab his hand, and even started to, but stopped yourself. 

Melissa noticed your movement. She paused and looked at the two of you for a moment. Taking a note at the distance between you on the couch.

“Is it worse when you are alone or does it not really make a difference either way?” she asked. Jensen took a deep breath, trying to ground himself. 

“It’s worse when I’m alone. That’s why I’m staying with Y/N. She was at the hospital with me. We’ve been together ever since.” 

Melissa nodded her head knowingly. Jensen was still shaking lightly but was calming down now considerably. 

"I'm an expert in this sort of trauma. I see a lot of people that have gone through similar traumas as yourself. Then I see some that didn't have such violent traumas. I want you to remember this, everyone deals with things differently. Everyone’s process of healing and the time it takes them to do so is different, and there is no wrong way to do this. Your experience was very violent.” 

Jensen sat chewing on his lower lips, staring at the floor. He looked exhausted, and you were ready to get him out of there, get him back to your apartment where you knew he was safe, you knew he needed to do this, but watching him work through it wasn’t easy.

 “I need to ask you a few questions, some of these may make you a little uncomfortable, but it’s important that if you answer them you do it honestly. They're going to be kind of personal," she said. 

Jensen just nodded his head. You had learned him well enough by now to know that was something he did when he was trying to deflect. Just going through the motions, but not really present in the conversation. 

He did it a lot lately.

“Jensen, are you and Y/N in a relationship,” she asks, and you tried to hide your widened eyed expression from Jensen. 

Since that day in the hospital, you had never spoken about your feelings for each other again, and you didn’t really know where you stood together, but a relationship wasn’t even in the cards rights now for either of you.

“I’d like to be, but I don’t know if I can be. I know I can’t live without her, and I have feelings for her, and I know she does for me, but we’ve never labeled anything. Everything has just been so…” 

Jensen let his words fall away, looking at you, his eyes distance and numb, his gaze unfocused and tired. 

“Y/N, do you want to be in a relationship with Jensen?” she asked, and you were still slightly stunned that he even wanted to be in a relationship with you.

“Yeah... I mean, of course, I would, but I don’t want to push him into something that he’s not ready for you to know?” you tell her. 

Jensen licked his lips nervously and fidgeted a little in his seat.

“Figure it out guys, don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings for each other. I don’t think it would be a bad idea personally. I can see something between you. Even though you hadn’t said anything before this point in our session. You like each other, and I think it can help him heal, as well as you, because it’s hard to watch someone you care about go through something so hard.” 

Jensen nodded his head, looking back down at his lap again.

Melissa picked up her clipboard again, eyeing Jensen carefully. 

"Jensen, this might be hard to answer, but since you were attacked have you been intimate with anyone?" she asked. 

Your eyes got wider, you hadn't expected that question, and apparently neither had Jensen. He was looking at her with a similar expression on his face. 

"I'm sorry... What?" he stuttered, looking at her like she was speaking a foreign language. 

She smiled gently at him, not surprised seemingly at all by his reaction. 

"What I mean is since your attack have you had sex with anyone?" she said calmly. 

Poor Jensen looked like he'd been nailed in the face with a frying pan. You sat there bug-eyed and not saying a word. The answer was not no, but hell no, you didn't expect her to ask that. Obviously, he was in no shape to have any sort of contact in that manner with another human. 

"Uh... She... She's.. Not exactly my “partner”...I," Jensen stammered, trying to regain his composure, his mind obviously going straight to you. That took you again by surprise. "We weren't sleeping with each other before this happened, and we haven't started now." 

He still looked taken aback, and would not look at you if you paid him to do it, keeping contact with the woman sitting across from him. 

"Okay," she said, nodding her head and smiling at him softly. “That’s perfectly okay, I just wanted to know if you had ventured out into that yet. I know things are still fresh, but like I said, everyone deals with things differently. Not being intimate with someone is okay, and if you had that would have been okay too. When I saw the two of you come in I thought that might have been the case between you. I wanted to see where you were in the process of intimate contact before I suggest the exercise that I had in mind for you.”

"Why did you think she and I were having sex?" he asked, not angry, but genuinely curious.

"Well, the way you look at each other mainly. The way she seemed to respond to your pain in retelling your experience that brought you to me. The way she's reached for your hand at least three times since you started telling your story, but stopped short of actually touching you," she said, smiling at the two of you warmly.

All you could think was apparently you weren't covering up your reaction to his attack as you thought you were. 

Jensen was staring at you, blinking, like he'd expected her to say anything, but that. 

"You obviously trust her. People that have gone through trauma like yourself don't tend to allow people outside of their trusted circle to come to these appointments," she said, weighing Jensen's response to her every word. 

"She's been there with me since I was at the hospital basically. We were working together, before... well.. She's been with me ever since, doing things for me that my wife wouldn't even do when we were married," he said, looking down at his lap playing with his watch. 

"Let's do a little exercise," she said, crossing her legs with a smirk on her face. "Y/N, I want you to scoot over on the couch, and sit right next to him, as close as physically possible.” 

You look at Jensen, then back at her. 

"It's okay, trust me. He can handle it. I want to prove to you something," she said. 

You look over at Jensen again. He half-heartedly smiled, but it was his body language that stuck out to yourself and the therapist. 

Before you could even move he had thrown his arm over the back of the couch, and grabbed your hand, making room for you to sit comfortably next to him, and pulling you to him by the hand. 

Slowly you slid into place, and you felt Jensen lean into you slightly. 

"Jensen, it's not abnormal to feel detached from your body after experiencing a violation to the degree that you did. It's a way your body copes. Your mind may be screaming one thing, but your body is doing another. Is that how you feel?" she asked. 

You felt Jensen's grip tighten on you. You looked up at him and you saw silent tears slipping down his face. 

The therapist smiled knowingly, sliding the tissue box closer to you so that you could hand him a few tissues. 

He didn’t have to answer, she already knew...

"It's okay to feel the way you're feeling. Your feelings aren't wrong. They're human nature. It's human nature to feel the need to be close to someone. It's not dirty, or wrong like your mind had tried to make it out to be. Even though you were hurt your body is still gonna have urges. That's because they hurt your mind more than they hurt your body. That's where your battle is going to be. You feel like your control has been taken away from you. That what once might have been enjoyable, or natural, or even intimate has turned filthy and painful. We’re going to help you get that control back, in time, give yourself time, be patient with yourself. Don’t be afraid to push yourself either. " 

She then turned to you. 

"He's not gonna break, He's not glass. He's going to have bad days, he's gonna have nightmares and flashbacks, but he NEEDS the contact. He needs intimacy, and I’m not talking about sex. He needs to feel you close to him, to know you're there. Don't walk around him like you're afraid if you touch him he'll shatter. He wants you to touch him, he wants you to snuggle up on the couch with him. When he's having a bad day he wants you to wrap your arms around him. He's just not able to ask for it right now. You saw how eager he was to have you under his arm just now. I never told him to grab your hand with his free hand. He did that. I never told him to lift his arm and let you closer to him. He did that. Do you understand? Right now he's craving you to be close to him," You look up at Jensen, who is looking anywhere but you and the therapist. 

"Okay,” was all you could say. You felt his grip tighten on your hand. 

“It’s good that you're staying with him. He doesn’t need to be alone right now, he needs you to be there for him,” she said.

"I've been staying at her apartment. Sometimes I go home during the day, but at night I can't make myself stay by myself," his voice sounded ashamed and broken. It made you lean your head onto his shoulder. As soon as you did he tightened his arm around you and took a very deep breath.

"It's okay that you don't want to be alone. That's normal," she said. “You two do need to come to terms on where you stand. That way what I'm about to tell you doesn't seem so awkward." 

Jensen looked down at you honestly a little afraid. 

"I want you to think about moving in with him at his house. I think it might help him being familiar with his surroundings, in his space with you. Someone he trusts... Do you think you would be willing to do that?" she asked you. 

You thought for a moment, honestly a little nervous about what Jensen may think about it, but you decided to play along. You weren’t going to leave him, especially not now, and if he needed to be home, then home with him you’d go... 

You nod slowly. "I can do that if he wants me to," you say, not really believing your own words came out of your mouth, yet never more sure of anything in your life. 

"I want that," he said before the therapist could say anything, eyes locked on you; an emotion that you didn't understand burning deep in the background of his eyes. 

"Okay, that's settled then," she said. "Now the hard part. The part that's gonna be a little awkward and tough. It very well may throw you into a flashback the first time, Jensen," she said, giving him a sympathetic look. 

"Trust me though, this will work. Every free chance you get, Every time you have some time alone. Every time you go to bed at night I need both of you to lay there and cuddle with each other. Let him explore you, let him gain control, and make sure he knows he has control of the situation, eventually get to where you can do it naked." 

Seeing the look on your faces she threw her hand up before either of you could say anything. "Just hear me out," she said. 

Jensen is shaking next to you again. Not that you hadn’t seen him naked before. Just that type of contact while naked seemed to throw him a little bit.

"Sex isn’t what they took away. Your power over your own body, that’s what they took away from you. It's what caused the mental detachment that you're feeling. The only way to get that back is to get your control back. Sex is how your going to do that. I want you to get comfortable in your own body again. It's human nature that eventually this type of cuddling will turn into intimacy. That's gonna be hard the first time. The more you allow yourself to go there though. The more control you will regain, and you will be able to start to heal," she said, handing him a piece of paper. "Come back in a month, before then if you need to. Let me know your progress." 

Jensen nodded and stood. “Okay, we’ll give it a try… I want to get past this.. So bad.”

“You will trust yourself, and trust Y/N,” she said.

Both of you shook hands with her and walked silently to the car. Jensen was still holding your hand tightly. 

------------------------------

When the door was finally shut and the two of you were back in your apartment he finally spoke. 

"So, looks like we got some things we're gonna have to figure out between us, apparently we can't just keep ignoring it anymore if I'm ever gonna get better," he said, closing the distance between the two of you and wrapping his arms around your waist, holding you close to him.

"Were you serious? Will you move in with me?" he asked, almost a little afraid of your answer.  

"Yes, I told you I would," you say. 

His grip tightens and he pulls you into his chest as close as he can. 

"Then what will you say if I told you I have feelings for you, and I really want you to be my girlfriend? Do you want to be with someone as fucked up as me?" he asked. 

Which floored you. You weren’t expecting that, but it did make your heart flutter a little in your chest. 

"Jensen, of course, I want to be with you.”

Before you could even finish his lips were on you, softly, sweetly. It didn't last near as long as you wanted it to, but it was a start.

"Well baby, I guess we need to get you packed."

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[scripttorture]

My question is basically: in the scenario I describe, do you think I should go with or without torture as a referenced thing that happened? The situation is this- my character’s father has been dead for seven years, but I thought that what if, instead of being killed by the monster he was faced with at the time, he was injured by it and then captured by a group of bad guys. This is set in the Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild universe and the bad guys in question are the Yiga Clan, (1/9)

who alternate between a comical and threatening presence in the game. They are presented as a tribe of assassins, but the reason why they decide to take my character’s father alive is that they saw him using a rare kind of magic and either want him to teach it to them or want to get him to use it for them. (It’s hereditary so he can’t teach it to anyone but his daughter, but they don’t know that and he will neglect to inform them that anyone else has the same abilities.) (2/9) Most likely they want him to do something with his magic when their idol (Ganon, The Big Bad) returns or possibly something that they think would help him return. Where the question of torture comes in is, I need him to still be alive and capable of going with an escape attempt after seven years. So, whether or not they get the notion to try torturing at any point, it obviously can’t be super regular or prolonged over this period. I thought maybe one or two incidents toward the beginning (3/9) of his captivity, which were ordered to stop when they realized they would have to keep him alive for an undetermined amount of time and that’s easier when you aren’t treating extra injuries, but I’m not sure that would really add anything other than acknowledging the fact that someone in there probably got the notion to go “hey if he won’t teach us that magic what if we punch him and ask again” and may not have been turned down. Or they may have, (4/9) or they may not have brought it up at all because the Leader didn’t ask them to. Alternately, I could lean into their comical side and say that, while they got the idea to try “torturing” they don’t actually know how to do that. They’re assassins, they usually just kill, they don’t really know what to do with prisoners, it’s been a long time since they split off from another group that may have known torture techniques in the service of the now-destroyed kingdom. In which case it would be (5/9) things like “ohoho what if we give him his food... WITHOUT ANY bananas? he’ll be MISERABLE” (they are obsessed with bananas) played for a weird kind of humor. On the other hand I don’t want to imply that if they’d tried “REAL” torture it might have worked. Possibly the punching and asking again was tried once toward the beginning, then the comical “no bananas” one was tried later and neither one accomplished anything? I don’t want to say he spent seven years underground (6/9) surrounded by a comical murderous weirdo cult and “nothing really happened” in that time until his rescue but I don’t want to shoe in something like Actual Torture Attempts when it isn’t necessary. I could fill his time with escape attempts and/or trying to get information. Final thing: his daughter is going to break him out with the help of the Hero and a friend who defected from the Yiga Clan. This friend’s mother is going to take leadership of the clan but is meant to reform somewhat. (7/9) My character (the one whose father is imprisoned) could funnel her anger at his imprisonment towards the previous leader but if she finds out he was tortured (or weird attempts were made at it) she could have more trouble coming to a grudging, still pretty angry acceptance that her friend’s mother exists and is the way she is and probably shouldn’t be magically lit on fire. Or she could compartmentalize and say the friend’s mother never ordered anything like that, or may have even (8/9) turned a blind eye to her father’s final escape. This was a lot of detail but again the main questions are: does that seem like torture attempts would add or detract, and would it be in poor taste to include something like the “no bananas” scene? (9/9)

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While I’d never played a Zelda game when I got this ask I am now one of Those People who got a switch in response to not being able to go outside. (They had pokemon, I was weak). And I’ve put a lot of hours into Breath of the Wild since. It’s a beautifully realised setting and I can see the appeal of writing something set in that world.

 Humour is a very subjective thing. Whatever we do there are always going to be people that the jokes don’t land for. I’ve (mostly) got positive responses to my humour but I have had incidents both here and on my AO3 page where people took exception to it. And that’s a lot more likely to happen when we’re dealing with serious topics.

 That said, I do think that we need humour about the things that scare us. There’s nothing quite as potent and satisfying as making our fears ridiculous.

 If you’re considering using humour in a torture/kidnap/POW situation (whatever you decide re torture the story definitely contains some of these elements) then the main thing to consider is this: what are we actually laughing at?

 This kind of humour is mostly likely to backfire or be outright hurtful when it can be interpreted as laughing at the victims. Or at the existence of traumatic events. And it’s most likely to work consistently when it’s aimed at the abusers.

 From the way you’ve described this it sounds like the joke is on the Yiga clan. As it is in the game itself. (I have enjoyed the assassination attempts by enraged ‘banana salesmen’.) If you wanted to continue the pattern the game set I think a lot of fellow fans would enjoy this humour.

 But the main question here is about when we should use torture in a story. And how we judge whether it’s adding anything.

 Personally I start by thinking about the tone and themes of the story. The kind of atmosphere I want to capture and kinds of character interactions I want to write.

 Then I try to think through the impact torture would have on the narrative in terms of knock on effects. So, symptoms in victims/survivors, witnesses and torturers but also effects on culture, community and organisations.

 It would probably be easiest for me to break this down with an example or two.

 I’ve talked briefly about both of these stories before. One of them takes place about two decades after a military coup ousted an absolute monarchy. Ilāra, one of the major characters, was embedded in the old regime and tortured people. They were also tortured by the regime and helped make the coup successful.

 And part of the impact torture has on the story is in Ilāra's symptoms. But it’s also in the way other characters relate to them. Normal people are afraid of them or disgusted/enraged at the sight of them. They’re ostracised by their own community and treated with contempt by their military superiors.

 One of the major themes running through the story is the question of how we deal with people we love when they’ve done horrific things. And how countries, cultures, move on from atrocities.

 Most of the major characters aren’t Ilāra's generation, they’re the kids who came afterwards. The people who just about remember the Revolt but grew up in a world without the monarchy. They’re navigating a legacy of blood and bitterness, things that aren’t their fault but nevertheless have shaped the world they live in.

 Part of it is about how the children Ilāra helped raise respond to this personal (and national) history. How they try to square the fact that this person was good (and in some ways defining) for them, while being monstrous to others.

 I felt that torture would add to this story because the point of it is those fault lines. In society at large and in personal relationships. It’s about exploring how we try to bridge or heal those fault lines and how, sometimes, we make them deeper.

 Torture (and indeed the other atrocities that are part of the country’s legacy) serve to raise the stakes. They deepen that initial emotional trench between the characters. And they also… Pull the camera back I suppose? The story may be about a single family but it isn’t an individual story. It’s about how larger patterns of abuse effect everyone in a society. Torture serves to make it about the culture, the country, instead of just the individuals within it.

 There are similar ideas in the other story I’m working on, societal divides and how we bridge them, but I think there’s a slightly different focus.

 Both of these stories are fantasy stories, but while Ilāra's story is in a sort of circa 1900s past Kibwe’s is in the future. It’s extrapolating the political oppression and systems from the places I’m interested in (in this case India, the Philippines, Kenya and Nigeria.)

 The story takes place across generations starting when Kibwe was a teenager but continuing to his daughter’s formative years and into his children becoming independent adults.

 And there’s torture in this story because the entire family is involved in politics. Because I grew up knowing that the natural consequence of acting for major political reform/justice was arrest and torture.

 The story is about trying to change unjust systems and generational violence. It’s also about the unhealthy ways people can engage in activism, putting the theoretical good of the community above their health and their families/friends.

 I didn’t really have to think about including torture in any depth, it was a natural fit. In fact I’m not sure I could talk about politics in any meaningful way without talking about torture.

 So some more specific questions that might help with your story. Is the structure of the Yiga clan important to the story? Is the effect they have on society at large important to the story? Is this primarily an individual/personal story or one with a wider focus?

 There aren’t ‘wrong’ answers to those questions, it’s about what you want to write.

 Do you want a more personal focus with the relationships between the major characters being more important then the world at large? I think of this as a character focused (as opposed to a character driven) story.

 For instance in the Lord of the Rings trilogy while we care about every member of the fellowship the important thing throughout, the focus, is the destruction of the ring and the systems that are harming all of Middle Earth. By contrast in Howl’s Moving Castle we care about the war and the fate of the missing Prince, but the important thing is what happens to the girls from the hat shop.

 Both of these approaches to a story can include torture in a meaningful way. It can add to both kinds of stories. But it’s generally adding different things.

 In a character focused story (with the kind of plot you’re writing) torture is mostly adding a sudden change to all of the relationships a character has. There might be focus on symptoms, a recovery arc, character development etc but the first and most obvious thing it’s adding is a major change to how these characters interact.

 In a story that’s more focused on the big picture of the world torture can add world building elements and it can be used to map out divisions and allegiances in the societies you write.

 Part of the reason I’m making this distinction is that in this scenario you can very easily tell a character focused story with trauma-recovery and not have torture. Kidnap and seven years imprisonment is enough to be traumatising.

 That doesn’t mean torture couldn’t/wouldn’t add anything to that story. But it might not be necessary for the story you want to tell and the focus you want it to have.

 On the other hand if this is primarily a broader story about communities and cultures growing and changing, the decision of whether or not to include torture has much more potential to direct the plot. It could create opposition to reforming the Yiga clan, both inside the clan (wanting to stick with how things are) and outside it (with people wanting it utterly destroyed).

 Different factions and cultures might band together on the basis of shared opposition to the Yiga clan. And the clan’s reformation could effect those allegiances.

 There could also be knock on effects based on where the clan operates: cultures that have been targetted by them in the past might not want this new ‘reformed’ (and more obvious) Yiga clan on their lands. And that in turn could stir up trouble within the clan because hey they’ve been here for generations it’s their home too!

 There are lots of ways torture could add to this plot and these characters. It could also feed in to broader themes.

 For instance the main character and her father haven’t seen each other for seven years. The difference between how we remember or idolise someone and the way they actually are is a theme you could add to here. The Yiga clan is going to end up reformed: what does it take for people to accept that reformation and forgive? The main character is friends with a former Yiga assassin: how do we process the fact people we care about might have hurt others?

 That isn’t an exhaustive list, I’m just throwing out ideas to see if anything interests you.

 In terms of timing and character being physically able to escape I think you’re already hit on a pretty good idea.

 Torturers don’t tend to stop when ordered to. Part of the reason a lot of organisations reject torturers is because they… tend to disobey orders. A lot.

 So if you wanted to write a scenario where this character is initially tortured and then held for a much longer time without torture the realistic way to do that is to have the character transferred from the ‘care’ of one group of Yigas to another. Torturers tend to exist in groups as sub-cultures within larger organisations. Which means that their presence in an organisation does not necessarily indicate that everyone in the organisation supports/carries out torture.

 You could even have the Yiga’s take a (perhaps half-hearted) anti-torture stance and have them punish the torturers.

 Wrapping up, the decision of whether or not to include torture is up to you. I can see ways it could add to your story but the points and themes I’ve spoken about might not be things you’re interested in.

 Just because an element could add to a story doesn’t necessarily mean it’s adding something you want. There’s nothing wrong with deciding that an element doesn’t interest you, takes the story in a direction you like less or causes more stress then you want as you write it.

 Ultimately the question is whether you want to write torture. And there’s no wrong answer to that question.

 I hope that helps. :)

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[makeste]

Newest theory of the day. Shigaraki after finding out he can't steal OFA from Deku tries to dust him, the decay spreads across his arm and to keep Deku alive because his specific order from Endeavor was to protect him~ Bakugo severs his arm with an AP shot, because some of us are still on about Deku losing an arm in this arc. Then we can get from mentoring from Miruko, you know bunny themes, using your legs, and now how to be a hero with prosthetics.

anon I disagree with basically all of this, but I just want to be clear that it’s in a totally respectful “that’s just not how I see things going/where I’d prefer the story to go” way, and it’s more just a matter of my personal preferences than anything else! like, I’m about to break down every specific thing I disagree with, but I hope it doesn’t come off in an attacking way. I kind of feel like I’ve been shooting down pretty much every theory people have thrown at me lately, and I don’t mean to be a buzzkill about it or anything. but since you did send me an ask about it I’m assuming it’s all right to give my opinion. lol I’m probably overthinking this. anyways.

1. so first, I personally don’t think Deku is going to lose his arm, at least not in this arc. I just can’t see any kind of purpose for it. particularly since Deku has already injured his arm very badly in the past and has already gone through the associated angst, and had an arc of learning how to fight without it (for the most part) and learning to fight with his legs instead. I just don’t see this bringing anything really new to the table. and Mirko and Hawks already have the “working to recover from/adapt to disabling injuries” thing covered between the two of them, I think. I also am not a believer in the foreshadowing power of popularity poll covers, at least to the extent of using them as a basis for theories. I know this last part is an unpopular opinion lol.

that all being said, I do think he might lose the arm maybe towards the end of the series, but if it happens it would be from overuse of OFA. and it’s still not something I actually think should happen or think we need to see; Deku is someone who’s already struggled in the past with being differently abled from his peers due to being quirkless, so I’d rather see a different character go through this arc if it does happen. and I’ll also add that I’d be more interested in seeing Ectoplasm mentoring a student in regards to the prosthetic thing; no disrespect to Mirko, but he’s been dealing with it for a lot longer, and would probably have more insight to share.

2. Katsuki saving Deku at some point on the other hand has been foreshadowed, but if he does it won’t JUST be because he was ordered to watch his back. I don’t know if you were necessarily implying this; probably it was just the wording, but regardless, I wanted to throw that out there.

3. you’ve probably figured out my opinion on this already lol but I do think we’re more than likely heading for quirkless Bakugou.

4. Bakugou hasn’t experienced a so-called trauma in a long time, and also I think fandom has a tendency to exaggerate the number of traumas he actually has (and here we get into another unpopular opinion, but hey). canon!Bakugou is a very different beast from fanon!Bakugou, and I think there’s a tendency to conflate the two. canon!Bakugou, from what we’ve seen, does not have any lingering trauma from the sludge monster attack, being chained up at the sports festival, or even from being kidnapped (aside from the “blaming himself for All Might’s end” part of it). canon!Bakugou’s confirmed sources of angst are 1) him feeling guilty over All Might, 2) him feeling pressure to prove to the world that he’s not a villain, 3) and him not wanting to ever lose to Deku. that’s basically it. I know fandom likes to throw all sorts of other stuff in there (PTSD, child abuse, his quirk being toxic to him; you name it), but he’s really not like that in the canon at all.

he definitely has been through a lot, don’t get me wrong. and also I should add that just because I don’t think these things are canon doesn’t mean I’m not interested in exploring them in headcanons or fanfic. on the contrary, I have a fanfic rec list consisting almost entirely of Bakuangst for a reason lol. but the suggestion (not necessarily made by you, but other people have brought this up) that he shouldn’t lose his quirk because it’s “yet more Bakugou angst” or whatever is just something I don’t agree with for a lot of reasons.

here’s a spontaneous list which nobody asked for of all of the other characters who have experienced trauma since the last time Bakugou last went through anything of note.

Aizawa - had his childhood trauma revealed to the audience in a Vigilantes flashback, and subsequently went through the angst of realizing his dead friend had been brought back to life and brainwashed into becoming a villain. also recently watched a man die saving his life.

Present Mic - same as Aizawa minus the “someone died for him recently” stuff. also has to carry Ujiko around everywhere right now which I sure would find traumatizing.

All Might - had his “you are going to die horribly” prophecy revealed. watched his former sidekick die and was helpless to do anything. struggled with the guilt of having not reconnected with him sooner. grappled with trying to figure out how he can help people now that he no longer has OFA.

Ochako - struggled with survivor’s guilt over not being able to save Nighteye.

Kirishima - had his past revealed in a flashback and was shown to have depression and self-worth issues. struggled with those same issues during the Basement arc and was also horrifically injured. most recent response to being asked whether he was okay afterwards was “I’m getting there/working on it.”

Shouto - watched his dad come within an inch of being murdered on live television. is still struggling with reconciling his very complicated feelings about his father and his past actions vs the man he is trying to become now.

Tokoyami - saved his mentor’s life at great risk to his own; was nearly burnt alive; was told that he shouldn’t save Hawks because he killed someone (my poor baby bird is going to have a lot to work through after this arc).

Kaminari - had to overcome his fear of fighting on the front lines in a very real and potentially deadly battle.

Iida - yoinked part of his own leg out to get stronger wtf.

Mirio - lost his quirk; watched his mentor die.

Tamaki - was and is still grappling with severe anxiety. was nearly killed during the basement arc. dealt with boyfriend losing his quirk.

Endeavor - had his goal finally realized in the most hollow, meaningless way possible. realized he’d basically acted like a complete monster in regards to his family for the past two decades. came to terms with the fact that nothing he can do now will ever make up for it (although he is still doing his best to make amends and atone however he can). nearly lost an eye and had his face scarred pretty badly. also has a dead son who secretly isn’t dead so that’s fun.

Mirko - lost an arm and a leg and came within an inch of death and Endeavor had to cauterize her wounds on the spot.

Hawks - ahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Deku - learned about the All Might death prophecy. grappled with feeling like he wasn’t worthy enough to inherit OFA. dealt with the angst of not being able to save Eri sooner. watched Nighteye die. had a secret fight with a villain while worrying about the school finding out and also feeling conflicted the whole time because he empathized with said villain a lot. had his quirk suddenly flare out of control during an exercise and nearly killed everyone around him and subsequently learned that he’s getting a bunch of new quirks and has to learn how to control them all. was informed that all of the past users of OFA have died young. and last but not least, has now learned that Shigaraki Tomura is specifically targeting him and his quirk.

anyways that’s not even complete because I skipped a ton of other characters, but you get the idea. basically the “Kacchan has already had a lot of trauma” argument falls flat to me as a reason why he shouldn’t have anything else happen to him. if anything, looking at everything that’s happened to him recently in comparison to the other characters makes me wonder if he’s not overdue. Kamino was almost two hundred chapters ago. Ground Beta was a hundred and sixty chapters. there has not being anything else since. this is one of the reasons why I want there to finally be something else. I don’t get this idea that we’re done with him now or whatever. not that I’m being all “yes!!! more tragedy for Kacchan!!!”, but this is a story, and characters grow in stories by facing and overcoming obstacles. so let’s give him a new obstacle already. (and I do mean a new one, which is another reason why I’m not sold on the “has to blast off Deku’s arm” angst; him feeling guilty and blaming himself for something that wasn’t his fault is the exact kind of angst we’ve already explored with him, and which we don’t necessarily need to rehash just with minor adjustments.)

Deku has already struggled with his own physical limitations. Kacchan never has. he’s been frustrated with the pace of his growth, sure, but that was more or less just comparing-myself-to-Deku angst disguised as thinking-I’m-weak angst. which is something he’s still doing even now, by the way. he was literally doing it a couple of chapters ago. Ground Beta didn’t fix it; it gave him something new to work towards, yes, and a new perspective regarding his relationship with Deku being something he could use to grow stronger. but it never actually addressed the root of the angst to begin with, which is him only seeing himself as worthy if he’s above Deku. it never addressed the issue of him being so fearful of being “weak” to begin with. he’s so determined to prove that he’s not, because even now he’s still secretly afraid that he is. and this is something I very strongly believe that he needs to confront, one way or the other.

but anyway, this turned into yet another “reasons why I think Bakugou should lose his quirk” meta, which I didn’t intend it to, so I apologize. this pretty much veered way off track so I should probably wrap it up. again, I apologize if any of this comes off as needlessly blunt, as that’s not the intent. and we’re all reading the story in slightly different ways, and we all have different things we want to see explored, and I’m sure as heck not going to say someone else’s view on this isn’t valid! this is just my own personal take. but we’ll see what happens, and I’m going to be wholeheartedly along for the ride pretty much no matter how this turns out.

[hobbitsetal]

Prodigal son s1e2, because I have nothing better to do but succumb to the addiction @loubuttons and @thisbibliomaniac have dragged me into.

This kid is so tiny to be uncovering his father’s monstrosity. Also what the heck is his bite guard?? As a dental professional, I am Concerned. I am, however, digging the trend of happy bops when he wakes up from his nightmares every morning.

You can’t ignore your mother forever...a’ight, as much as I want her to bug off and leave him alone, at least she’s making sure he eats.

I like how they connect Ainsley’s work to Malcom’s.

“Again with the girl in the box.” Oh frick, they never found her?? Oh that’s appalling. A twenty year old memory from a traumatized boy...that’s a completely fascinating mystery to solve.

The costume department knows what they’re doing with Gil. And Gil knows what he’s dealing with when it comes to Malcom...

Malcolm getting JT’s name wrong and Dani’s right is bringing me joy. Also this family homicide is freaky. Also also everybody’s still hung up on the hand chopping, as they should be.

Mouth sewn shut. That’s sick.

Edrisa Tanaka is adorable and I’m interested to see how she and Malcolm play out.

Oh heck, Aristos being forced to watch his family’s death. Welp, it wouldn’t be a crime show without horrific happenings.

Aaaand now his dad has his phone number. Don’t like that. Going by the hand tremors, neither does Malcolm.

Oh no, Tanaka’s opening his mouth. This is going to be horrible. And Martin is making it exponentially worse with his predatory interest. OH EW THERE’S SOMETHING IN ARISTOS’S MOUTH EW EW EW ITS A SNAKE EW THIS STUPID SHOW SUCKS.

I’m watching ads now and darn chipotle, I want queso now. Heck.

Nnnnnnope to the snake. OH FRICK EW THERE ARE MULTIPLE SNAKES EW. Black mambas no less. Faaaabulous. And Malcolm is choosing now to talk about the brain’s “freeze” function. Nice. I love that his snake skills are what get JT to accept him for another case.

No, Martin, we do not want to bounce around ideas. We want you to rot.

Metaprolol. That’s a bit hilarious, a lot of our patients take that for a medical condition.

Malcolm calmly reintroducing himself to JT to break the awkwardness is a bit hilarious and kind of sweet. “Was it weird?” Good question, JT.

“Are we sure there aren’t any more family members?” Gil asking the smart questions.

Martin needs to STOP with the phone calls! What IS it with the Whitley parents and no sense of boundaries with their son??

Whoop, another kid! Gil called it. Also he looks fantastic with those shades. Lou diamond phillips just looks frickin cool. ‘70s cop vibes.

Ah dear Malcolm, gently breaking the news of a family’s murder.

Ooh, the snakes mean something to Liam. Aaaand he’s running. And he’s keeping...exotic animals, I’m guessing? in this warehouse. Yep, black market animal dealer. Guess we know where the black mambas came from. I doubt Liam is the killer, but he’s definitely connected.

A leopard! That’s cool. Not cool that it’s being smuggled, but the animal is cool.

HE THREW A SNAKE AT MALCOLM oh yikes Malcolm just got bit. This show is whump central, y’all. Also small snakes pack more venom than large ones and he should’ve known that, which means he’s probably downplaying the seriousness of the injury which is VERY on brand for Malcolm. The suicidal ideation is deeply concerning, but hot dang does it make for good tv.

HIS DAD CHLOROFORMED HIM WHEN HE FOUND THE GIRL HOT YIKES. and he woke up panicking. Ugh. Poor boy.

“He’d be willing to come in and discuss your investigation.” And would Liam also be willing to discuss his attempted murder of a police consultant? Because I feel like they shouldn’t let that slide. Oh, Gil isn’t boring. Good man, Gil.

I do like how Malcolm dresses. We should bring vests back. I should buy a vest.

Poor boy. The no-sedatives thing is a serious source of angst. And now Ainsley is prying into his trauma and frankly I do not trust her. Aaaand she stole his phone to listen to his voicemails. My GOSH, this family needs to learn some boundaries!!

He’s one sad boi 😢 somebody needs to protect him because clearly his family doesn’t know how.

Yep, back with worst dad ever. Gotta admit, this is a fascinating dynamic, the way he hates his dad and wants to get away, yet cannot and needs him, and these two actors play it extremely well. The height difference helps sell it, too.

“Good things?” Martin, you drugged him. I don’t know why Malcolm thought he could get some straight answers.

“I’ve always been fascinated by familicide.” Coming from you, Martin, that is disgusting.

Called it, Liam isn’t the killer. Is it the lawyer dude? Oh, no, we’re looking for a bastard kid. Innnnteresting.

“My door is always open.” No, Martin, you are in prison. Your door is locked.

Oh yikes, Liam is dead. And the brass considers the case closed, because good crime shows always include conflict with the brass.

“I don’t need to take a breath! And I don’t need sleep!” YES YOU DO MALCOLM.

Littman! That’s the lawyer dude! Yep, he’s my bet for the killer. Small business loans my foot.

Ohhhh the kid has vitiligo like Aristos! Ahahahaa, somebody just gave himself away. And he’s confessing. And he just poisoned his own family. Frick this dude. I will be outraged if he succeeds in killing his family.

Surgeon’s son. Makes sense he would know what to give them to counteract the metoprolol. Mildly terrified they’re giving an antidote without knowing how much metoprolol they were given, but hey, it’s tv. Don’t try this at home, kids.

I am maliciously pleased by Malcolm saving Littman’s life when Littman asked him not to. Stand trial for your crimes, you stain upon humanity.

“I need it.” “That’s not a good thing.” Preach, Gil. Here’s to the one sane spot in Malcolm’s life.

“Something’s reacting with the alcohol. But I’m fine.” You are NOT, sir.

Dani checking out his loft is kind of cute. And helping him with his cuffs is ;_; She’s remarkably accepting of his weird sleeping arrangements, too, which I kind of respect.

...did his mom know about his dad’s murders?? That’s extremely creepy. Maybe not, maybe I’m reading too much into it.

Oh, we’re not done yet! Should’ve expected that! Why is he sneaking up on his dad?

I should’ve known he wouldn’t let go of the girl in the box. This’ll be an intriguing arc. Aaaand now his dad is gaslighting him and trying to force blame for his own actions onto his son. Somebody needs to bury Martin.

Aaaand his mom is tracking his visits to the prison. Don’t like that, am back to suspecting her.

[izzyovercoffee]

@tiender replied to your post:“I know Republic Commando is a small fandom, but has anyone out there...”:

before or after the head injury? 'cos some weird stuff went on there, you know it did

both, I guess lol

mostly I’m trying to decide if I personally want to devote the time/energy to picking apart repcomm for the meta for these two, when I don’t ... really like Bardan Jusik for a long list of mandaboo related reasons (reasons that are... more about brown-nosing to Kal than actually having any real other reason to “go native” like he did in the way he did, when looking at it from an objective perspective)

I used to love Jusik, back when there was a really, really incredible writer for him in the repcomm rpc, but that was ... idr how many years ago that was actually (5+ years minimum), but it’s been a long time and that blog (and its headcanons and its meta) is long, long gone. generally a good writer can get you to love anyone, really, especially when they pick apart the little nuances of character.

I’m rambling. I’m gonna ramble some more since I’m thinking about it now and since I made the mistake of listening to the Lore podcast before bed

my thing is, I’m looking at a potential argument to concoct for a Fi/Jusik ship. after having briefly talked over an au timeline w/ @thelightreturns that’s completely unrelated to them, we realized that bc KT is so painfully straight it’s a ship that just ... completely reads as an impossibility / not a thing, and it’s a ship that as it turns out most if not the entire fandom has never even considered. 

considering that this specific fandom has explored some really crazy/crack ships just because they can, just because it’s titillating or a challenge to write or just fun, even from before AO3, that’s ... a really big surprise. 

also considering that it hits some of the big points fandom loves:

hurt/comfort

friends to lovers

closet key (maybe even for each other, idk)

height difference

brothers-in-arms / love on the battlefield

unrequited / one-sided 

it just surprises me that there’s barely anything out there.

and like... the thing is, even platonic (or one-sided, whatever), the pros are:

it deals directly with Fi’s internalized homophobia (I can’t find the meta that I’m thinking of rn but I’m also sleep deprived, but someone had done a very thorough read-through of the books and went through Fi’s internal narration, and it was genuinely heartbreaking the ways in which he absolutely sounds like ... someone so deeply in the closet that he can’t seem to even consider the possibility that he might not even be attracted to women. from the way he thinks about his relationship to Parja, to the way he thinks about her, the language he uses towards them vs the language he uses when interacting with men ... it’s a lot. I wish I could find it, and I’m starting to worry it was on one of the older RP blogs that have long since been deleted..... but anyway, it’s yet again another example of how KT thinks she’s writing one thing, but the entire narrative is actually building something else) 

it re-contextualizes Jusik’s otherwise culturally appropriative attitudes towards mando culture in a way that actually gives him genuine motivation, respect and justification to learn the language, absorb the culture, learn the nuances to really connect with someone he feels for ... because his motivation extends beyond chasing on the heels of an inconsistent father figure, to actually forming a foundation of a family unit (or a love interest), which I would argue is something more solid. the books give us a “well of course Jusik would” with no real explanation actually being provided to us, only chasing Kal’s approval (and the implication that that is somehow being a totally healthy, totally good thing ....... and it’s not)

it gives an out for the Fi/Parja relationship that doesn’t result in a rushed marriage that has Parja giving up everything for Fi, and I have a hard time actually buying that Parja would see his hesitation and ... not press to understand it better. (there were also headcanons back in the good ol’ days that Parja and Jusik were bffs, so seeing that kind of dynamic would genuinely be wonderful)

it provides an avenue to explore force-healing, force-bonds, and the ... unique ... development of a connection between Bardan and Fi, bc Bardan clearly put more into that healing than just the Force (the graying of his hair, the implication that he somehow looked older or more worn after, he essentially sacrificed part of himself for Fi, and it’s ... never addressed, never explored, never mentioned again)

we can just avoid the horrific Arla bull shit entirely had this been a thing

I am realizing this got really long so my bad, but yeah. you’re right, weird shit happened there, but it’s the kind of weird shit that if it was any other characters in any other niche fandom within star wars, there would at least be SOME jumping on it! the very idea that a soul-deep force-healing happened there, that Bardan sacrificed parts of himself to reverse Fi’s brain damage, that he spent months devoted to Fi in healing him, that he thought of ways to “reach” Fi even through his coma ....

and Fi is free. he becomes a free man after this genuinely traumatic experience, but he doesn’t talk about it with anyone in the series afterwards, and I used to think (and still do, I guess) that Bardan would actually be a good person to talk to about it (not just for Fi, I wrote a short series of Mereel recording his pseudo therapy sessions w/ Bardan, but I digress). 

idk. there’s a lot of potential here that’s just totally missed bc KT is so straight she made both these guys straight as boards when they literally potentially have a bond knit together by the force and near-death experience, and that relationship is potentially more compelling than the ones we were given for either of the, as is.

[stl29tide]

Roswell + Disabilities

I don’t think I’ve made a post about Roswell and their inclusion/handling of physical disabilities during their first season, but I wanted to because I think they did some things that were good and I think they could also improve things as well, so I’m going to break it down by each character.

Alex:

The Good - For starters, seeing his amputated leg in 1x03 was great. There was actually something very powerful seeing both of their disabilities laid on top of each other in that one shot. It really drove home that these are two people who have gone through very traumatic things, but are both still here, living their lives.

The other thing that I thought was good was having Alex transition from using his crutch to walking unassisted. I think it’s important to remember that Alex almost died. His injury didn’t just happen right before he came back to Roswell. There would have been a recovery period healing from his other injuries, he would have been wheelchair bound, a shit ton of PT, getting fitted for his prosthetic, a shit ton more of PT. Learning to walk with two crutches, learning to walk with one crutch. Alex wouldn’t have rehabbed in Roswell. I imagine when he came back to town (was it two months before the pilot?) that his injury had probably happened over a year ago. Since we saw his injury, we know that he had a clean, below the knee leg amputation. When you still have your own knee, and the amputation is below, the transition to walking on a prosthetic without a crutch is usually shorter than an above the knee amputation. If you think about the timeline of when his injury must have happened, it makes perfect sense to me that he would have stopped using it at some point. It would have actually been more unrealistic to me if he didn’t.

The Bad - I would have actually liked to see some of that transition. They could have had him going to PT, even if it was just once or twice on the show, and discussing with his doctor that he was ready to walk unassisted now. I think it would have been a little less jarring for some people and also a good way to throw in some more information about his injury and the recovery and work he had to put in to get there.

Also, they haven’t really done a very good job of acting like his leg is still fake. He told Liz he wouldn’t be running any marathons so I thought that they would continue to point out that things aren’t just okie dokie for him, but they haven’t. Instead, he’s climbing down into bunkers on skeezy ladders, running out of exploding buildings and collapsing onto the ground....all without ever rubbing his leg or acting like it hurts after spending too much time on it. I think they could highlight the fact that while Alex is a complete badass, his body isn’t what it once was and there are limitations to how much he can push it, especially because his transition to unassisted walking did just happen recently. I’m hoping that we’ll get a scene in season 2 where he’s at the doctors and is having his prosthetic looked at. Give me something Roswell!

This last part of the bad is really interesting, but it really bugged me at the beginning of the season and then was made even more WTF? with an interview Tyler and Vlamis had later on. So in the pilot episode Alex used his crutch on the left side. Keep in mind he has a right leg, below the knee amputation and wears a prosthetic. Then, after the pilot, he started using the crutch on the right side and I never understood why they made that change. Then, in an interview, Tyler mentioned this and said that in the pilot he had it on the left side because that’s where he thought it went, but then he was told his crutch should go on the right side because it’s replacing the leg, so from episode 2 that’s why there was a switch. I don’t know who on the show gave him that information, but Tyler was actually right. It should have been on his left side. His prosthetic is what’s replacing the leg, not the crutch. The crutch should go on the opposite side and moves forward when he steps forward with the prosthetic. It helps retain balance and stability while they build up their strength. So....I don’t even know what to say about all of that or who did the research to come up with that conclusion and where they received their information, but they should have just let Tyler continue doing his thing instead of feeding him lies and confusing the poor guy.

Michael:

The Good - I like how the show established something that brought Michael joy (playing the guitar). We know how shitty his life has been, so we get this glimpse into who he used to be and this one thing that helped bring him peace before it was literally destroyed by this horrific act of violence. I think it was important for us, as viewers, to see he had this disability and not know why until we did. It’s in that moment when we see Jesse swing the hammer that we really know just how much Michael lost that night. It’s so important because, unfortunately, these things happen. People are hurt by others and it can literally altar our lives and lead to a lifetime of pain and while the reminder is painful, it’s also comforting to know that you are not alone in it and to see a character that you can relate to if you have also been the victim of a hate crime and that’s what I’m calling it because it was.

The other good thing that I liked was that we could see at various points throughout the season how his hand and the fact that he was never able to have it healed properly still causes him physical discomfort. We basically got with Michael what I wish we had received with Alex in that regard. We also saw more into Michael’s mindset of how he still hasn’t dealt with this injury. It’s not just the physical aspect of it, but the mental part of it. He needs to open the wound in order for it to fully heal (the trauma, not the hand itself), but we know it’s tied to his past with Alex and he’s not ready to go there yet.

The Bad - Michael’s injury got the attention that I wish Alex’s did this season, which is kind of funny given what happened at the end. I’m pretty sure I know what the show was trying to do with all of that, but still....it looks pretty bad when the only disability you really choose to “highlight” more than once is the one that you decide to erase. I’m sure that won’t be the last we hear about Michael’s hand or his mixed feelings he’ll probably have between being able to use it again and Max healing him without his permission, but regardless it’s gone. He still has trauma in his life he’ll need to deal with, but his physical disability is gone and disabled people don’t get magic cures like that. With that said, I hope the show will look further into Alex’s injury and give him some of the same attention that Michael’s got instead of just tucking it away. I feel like if you introduce characters with physical disabilities, then it’s important to remember that they are characters with physical disabilities and be realistic in showing how that affects their life. It doesn’t define them, but it does change how they might go about certain things.

So those are my thoughts. I probably left out a few things, but I’m tired and that was all my brain could muster up at the moment.

[echodrops]

So, given Dabi's perceived incompetence, you think his scars are self inflicted? I figured that, if Dabi is indeed Touya, he must have tried to impress Endeavor and show him that he is "worth it". So he probably tried to train himself in seclusion. But with a body meant for ice, he was not able to handle the flames and ended up burning himself and running away, traumatized or something along those lines. Admittedly, it could be a stretch, since we have no details on what exactly happened.

Post is NOT spoiler free, watch out anime-only fans~!

Had a bunch of asks about Dabi in my inbox after my Dabi post but I got distracted thinking about ships… I’m back now and gonna answer a few that are all about that Dabi is a Todoroki theory~

Look man, if he’s not Touya, I will officially be the S H O O K E S T. At this point, the real plot twist would be if he wasn’t! I really think there are just so many signs at this point that I can’t make myself believe it won’t happen. I mean the fact that Horikoshi deliberately drew Endeavor’s eyesight being damaged before his confrontation with Dabi so that Endeavor wouldn’t be able to see him clearly??? COME ON.

But man we’re all going to look so stupid if he isn’t Touya…

Rest under the read more to save people’s dashes:

As for how Dabi got his scars… I don’t have any answers, of course, just my own theories and conjectures based on vague statements and panels in the manga…

I guess first I’d point out that while we don’t know really much about Touya at all, we do know a couple things:

1) He physically took after Rei way more than Natsuo or Fuyumi did. Despite being Natsuo’s confirmed older brother, Touya was a tiny kid. Given that he would have to very close to Fuyumi in age or older than her, the fact that he was shorter than his sister just makes this all the more noticeable. This kind of tininess is usually (although of course not always) a deliberate visual indicator that there was something wrong with the child’s health. Looking at the only two panels he appears in definitely gives the impression that he was a pretty fragile-looking kid who I would not be surprised to hear had health problems (bad fevers from an overpowered fire quirk, anyone?).

2) His posture in this frame is also pretty telling. They all look nervous–it’s obvious they’re being looked at by Endeavor and are uncomfortable with it–but while Natsuo looks a little shame-faced and Fuyumi a little confused, Touya is clutching his hands together in a classic “timid child” pose. It seems likely to me that he wasn’t an especially assertive kid.

3) Then there’s the whole hair issue–is his hair red like the anime or white like the manga? The only reason I could see for not coloring his hair dark in the manga is that Horikoshi specifically uses black ink for the red color of the Todoroki family’s hair–coloring Touya’s hair completely black would make it beyond obvious that he’s Dabi. But still, couldn’t he have used tone like he does for Kirishima’s hair? We know that white hair = ice quirk, so I am very interested to find out whether the anime has it right in using red, or whether the white used in the manga is plot relevant, and we’re going to find that Touya really did have a body meant for an ice quirk…

4) We also have Natsuo’s ominous comment:

To me at least, this statement seems somehow… specific? Like there was some Big Deal™ that immediately caused Touya not to be in their lives anymore, and Endeavor was directly involved in it. Natsuo definitely strikes me as the type who would blame Endeavor for a training accident, even if Touya was training of his own free will, but I can’t personally shake the feeling that Endeavor was right there whenever the Bad Thing with Touya happened and that Endeavor, Fuyumi, and Natsuo all know more about Touya’s fate than they’re willing to talk about. I think it’s important that we’ve never seen a scene of Natsuo and Fuyumi getting any close looks at Dabi either.

6) The kids’ ages are important I think. Shouto is about five years old when he sees his siblings playing soccer, and they all looked about the same age there as in this second screen cap, although I wouldn’t put Fuyumi at 12 in the screen cap above, so maybe not… In any case, we know that Shouto was already in training (~5 years old) and Touya had no major visible scars. So Touya made it to at least 12 years old without doing major damage to his body (although of course it could be under the clothes). Based on that, personally I would doubt a bit that he was training and burning himself in secret, at least not for any extended amount of time.

6) The one piece of evidence we have for figuring out what actually happened to cause the scars is the burn pattern itself, especially on Dabi’s face. One thing that people have often pointed out is that Dabi’s facial burns line up fairly well with the places fire also settles on Endeavor’s face:

Also I’m pretty sure Dabi officially qualifies as BNHA’s biggest glow up. If you compare chapter 67 to chapter 190 it’s like looking at two totally different characters lol

But, more importantly than this, I think, is the fact that we never see Dabi’s fire take this shape in the manga. Although in a couple of scenes his flames have covered parts of his face, we’ve never–not even one time–seen fire specifically come from below his eyes or around his mouth like Endeavor. This is not something that normally happens with his quirk–which could mean that he was copying Endeavor when the injuries occurred.

So what did happen?

I don’t know, but if you ask me for a personal headcanon about it:

In a desperate attempt to protect his mother from being taken away and forced into the mental institution, Touya Todoroki challenged his father to a fight he could never win and pushed his own body so far beyond its limits that he nearly died.

I mean, if sweet baby Shouto had a reaction this intense:

Just imagine the reaction of the children who would have been conscious to see their mother ripped away from their home, possibly violently, possibly forever? With Rei having snapped hard enough to attack Shouto, I can’t imagine that she would have taken well to Endeavor physically confronting and restraining her to force her away… It could have been quite a horrific scene in the house after Shouto passed out from the pain, and what better way to cover up damage to one kid then to blame Rei, who had already damaged the other? This would help lend greater credence to Rei still being in the mental institution too: if the doctors have her on the record for causing or at least provoking the injuries of not one son but two…

Obviously such a fragile-looking child as Touya, who we know was never formally trained, would have stood no chance against an absolutely enraged Endeavor, but if we know one thing about the Todoroki family, it’s that they’re stubborn beyond belief. Endeavor probably batted aside his failure of an eldest son like it was nothing… but Touya refused to stay down. I think, overwhelmed by hatred and resentment, he put everything he had into trying to fight back against his father, bursting with flames too hot for his ill-suited body, heedless of his own pain.

That break in Dabi’s bottom lip is from the unprotected skin splitting as he screamed in rage and agony while on fire. Just sayin’!!

And even after going beyond his limits in every way, to still inevitably be crushed beneath his father’s heel… I can’t imagine the degree of loathing such a miserable defeat would make a child feel for heroes and all of hero society who let down the Todoroki siblings so badly…

If Touya ran from the hospital afterward, we could even be looking at a situation in which Dabi has been raising himself all alone since he was 12 or 13. Hell, he might even have caught the tail-end of Stain’s soapbox speeches about the revival of heroics while living out on streets…

BUT, YOU KNOW, that’s just my imagination running wild. XDD

I’m sure that my headcanon is too exaggerated to be true, but I do think the scars are self-inflicted and that Touya did fight with Endeavor at some point before abruptly leaving the Todoroki household.

Or… he’s not even a Todoroki and he totally gave himself those scars just to look cool or something lolol.

It’s SYMBOLICCCCC.

Okay, being a little more serious, I think it’s mostly being used the same way as that one scene of Itachi in the rain in Naruto:

Holy shit I never thought I’d be looking at a page of the Naruto manga again…

It’s basically a scene used to humanize and show a tiny glimpse of a “villain” character’s hidden depths–is Dabi all evil, or is there some softness underneath?

The blood is definitely supposed to symbolically represent tears, which actively tells the reader “Something about the idea of families hurts Dabi.” Coupled with the fact that he’s also smiling in a way that does not suit the moment at all and talking about how thinking about what Snatch said actually drove Dabi crazy, I think we’re also supposed to be getting the feeling that Dabi is not quite as calm and collected as he seems to be on the surface. We all love to call him the “sane man” in the League of Villains’ sea of crazy, but it’s entirely possible that Dabi is experiencing or has, at some point, experienced a psychotic break and that the almost lazy, unaffected behavior we see from him most of the time is little more than a thin veneer on top of a much less stable inner-mind…

What interests me is how many people (even the BNHA wiki) seem to suggest that these symbolic blood tears indicate that Dabi feels remorse for the families of all his victims… But I wonder if that’s really the case at all.

Does he feel remorse regarding his victims’ families… or only his own? While I think it’s tempting to imply that Dabi feels bad about all the families he’s hurt in general (which would be a good redemption arc flag), I’m actually inclined to think that Dabi is a little more self-centered character than that, and it’s his own family that’s on his mind here, not guilt over strangers he’s never met and never will meet.

I lol’d. Even more than that–by saying this to Endeavor, he’s almost certainly ensured another Dabi vs. Endeavor clash in the future, so like… he basically gave his dad impenetrable plot armor for another 50-100 chapters. XDDD

Dabi, my dear heart, why are you such a dumpster fire???

[lambcaey]

Casino Cups: Life Goes On (Part 1)

This three-part fanfic is largely based on the awesome Cuphead AU known as Ask Cups and Casinos, but could apply to the Cuphead fandom in general, too (just long before the Cup bros start working at the casino). Definitely check it out!

Credit goes to Bright Goat for the AU (hope I did justice to your amazing work!) Enjoy! 

Part 2

Casino Cups: Life Goes On (Part 1)

Silence without serenity; stillness with a sense of foreboding; a feeling of calm clashing with that of rapidly-growing fear. That was how it felt during the first few minutes without Elder Kettle. One minute, he was tearfully professing his love for his grandsons. The next, there lay nothing in bed but a shallow husk of china. This wasn't to say that it happened completely out of nowhere. The man was getting on in years, and his family couldn't afford the kind of medical treatment that would preserve his already very long life. Despite the Isles' long history of supernatural phenomena, none of the local mystics could conjure up anything guaranteeing immortality, aside from repeating the horrific mistake of making another deal with the Devil. Nevertheless, no matter how aware the boys were of this day coming, they still weren't ready when it eventually occurred. By the time he'd reached his final hours, Elder Kettle had stopped trying to escape his fate. Instead, he came to terms with it as a fact of life, a life that was as happy and fulfilling as it could ever be for him. Even as the last of his family stood before him, begging him not to go, Elder Kettle left this plane of existence with a smile, completely at peace. It took a great deal of will power after such an intense shock, but the boys eventually forced themselves to leave their grandfather's bedside for the proper postmortem preparations. It was almost too painful to even look at their elder's corpse anymore. They didn't want to leave him, but, at the same time, there wasn't anything left to hold on to; just an empty shell in which a warm, caring, and loving soul once resided. It was incredibly unnerving, the idea of something this traumatic and heartbreaking occurring in this cheery, colorful, whimsical world. Every other element of life, even death, had some sort of silly, cartoon-like slant, at least from Cuphead and Mugman's perspective. Seeing stars; pupils rolling in their heads; a giant lump that could be brought down with the swing of a hammer; any sort of injury or illness was presented with the classic "Rule of Funny" that usually dictated the rules of physics and natural order in Inkwell Isle. Here, there wasn't any of that. No soul to parry, no ghost to interact with; Elder Kettle was plainly, simply, and completely gone. This event was just another item of this world's never-ending list of questionable occurrences. The only real shock from it was how starkly it contrasted to the rest of Inkwell Isle. Naturally, such a rare phenomenon of this magnitude could hardly be kept a secret. The news spread fast to the other residents in the isles, and, within the next half hour, virtually all of them had arrived at the boys' doorstep. Of course, there were exceptions. As much as the Devil and King Dice relished the misery of others, this particular soul was of no real value to them, which would make the experience more boring and pointless than anything else. Weepy also had to remain outside, lest he start flooding the house with his rivers of tears (more so than usual). Everyone else was either mourning by Elder Kettle's bedside, or offering any form of assistance or comfort to his grieving grandsons. Though the boys couldn't afford an official funeral, this was the closest to one as they were ever going to get, and they greatly accepted it. Mugman was very receptive to his friends' kindness. He showed the utmost gratitude from even the smallest of favors, from a shoulder to cry on to an array of bouquets for his grandfather's grave. He also spent much of the time reflecting on all the fond memories he and everyone else shared with him, even mentioning some of the more humorous ones to bring some sort of levity to the situation. Though part of Mugman felt very much alone, being surrounded by all his friends and neighbors was all the more comforting to him during this troubling time. Cuphead, on the other hand, expressed an entirely different demeanor during the pseudo-funeral. He kept himself isolated from the rest of the crowd, sitting at the top of the stairs with his arms resting on his knees. Instead of shedding any tears, his eyes gazed off into space, as though a million thoughts were racing in his mind at once. Friends like Cagney or Hilda had asked if there was anything they could do for him, but after a few times of giving them a cold "I'm fine," Cuphead retreated to his room, barring himself from any socialization altogether. He didn't even come out to watch the local ghosts deliver his grandfather's urn to the mausoleum. It was as clear as day that Cuphead was anything but "fine." Many people, especially his brother, were very tempted to go upstairs, and insist that he come out and talk with them. However, they also bore in mind that perhaps this was Cuphead's way of grieving with such a tremendous loss. The last thing the poor boy needed was feeling as if his friends were trying to impose on him how they thought he should act in the face of his grandfather's passing. Although they had good intentions, everyone agreed it was best to leave Cuphead alone...for now. ~~~~ After an almost sleepless night, Mugman dragged himself downstairs, and fried up some eggs and bacon for himself and his brother, hoping he'd at least be willing to come out and eat. He also poured a couple of glasses of orange juice, and, by force of habit, reached out to grab some English breakfast tea with sugar, before remembering that family connoisseur was no longer there to enjoy it. Only seconds after setting the table, Cuphead tiredly made his way to the kitchen as well. "M-Morning, Cups." Mugman chirped with a forced smile. "I made us some breakfast." "Thanks," Cuphead responded rather brusquely as he sat down. Although the meal was well-made by any standards, any appetite for it was practically nonexistent. Mugman forced a few bites of his eggs while Cuphead simply twirled his fork around the bacon, staring glumly down at the table. After a moment or so of awkward silence, Mugman nervously attempted to break the ice. "I, uh, I put Hilda's flowers up as a centerpiece for the table," the young boy stammered. "That was really nice of her, huh?" No answer. Mugman tried something else. "It...looks like a really nice day outside. If you want, maybe we can go for a walk, or catch some butterflies, or see how the others are doing. How-How does that sound?" Again, no response. He may as well be talking to an empty chair. Mugman let out a small sigh. He clearly wasn't getting anywhere with his grief-stricken brother. With a heavy frown, Mugman tried appealing to Cuphead's better nature. "Listen, Cuphead. It's ok if you don't feel like talking to me, but...just know that I'm always here for you whenever you need it. I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to. I..." Mugman's voice quivered a bit. "I just don't want you to feel like you gotta be all alone." At last, Cuphead looked up at his brother, his expression switching from dullness to sudden concern. Although he was referring to Cuphead in his offer of emotional support, it was a subtle, yet clear, sign of the same desire on Mugman's part as well. He may have sounded calm and collected in his words, but they were drowned out from the stronger signs of loneliness and misery in his facial and body language. After a moment of staring longingly at his brother, Cuphead's face winced and twitched with anxiety, his clenched fists shaking on the table. "M-Mug, I...I-I uh..." Just when it seemed like he was ready to explode, Cuphead swallowed hard, forcing himself to regain his former composure. "D-Don't worry, Mug. We'll both be all right. I just...I need some time to think." At that, Cuphead excused himself from the table, heading back upstairs. Mugman's eyelids rose in bewilderment. He wasn't sure whether to feel hurt from Cuphead walking away when he needed help, or worried for his stability after just seeing him fight so hard with himself. This sense of uncertainty became the norm over the next few days. The boys remained close, refusing to leave either one home alone for any reason. Ironically, despite such closeness, it was this same concern that also made them keep their distance. Although they deeply desired each other's companionship during this time of grief, something in their heads made them reluctant to act on it. Cuphead continued to isolate himself and battle his internal conflict while Mugman stayed away out of respect for his brother's time to "think." It was a paradox of perfectly painful proportions, and they both prayed that it would soon part. Fortunately for Cuphead and Mugman, they didn't spend the week in completely shut out from the world. Once in a while, a friend or two would stop by, and ask the boys how they had been doing. Mugman was thankful and accepting of any company that was offered to him. Occasionally, there was activity involved, such as playing chess with Werner, Beppi fashioning a balloon animal bouquet, and even Djimmi performing some magic tricks. Most of the time, though, Mugman felt just as, if not more, satisfied with simply sitting around and talking, whether to listen to advice or have his friends hear him out. It may not have felt like the same sort of love and caring that Elder Kettle provided, but it definitely lifted Mugman's spirits knowing he still had so many people to look after him. Although his friends offered this same comfort to Cuphead, he remained adamant in his desire to be left in solitude, which was starting to worry Mugman and the others. It wasn't as though they felt he was grieving in the wrong way; it was that, perhaps, Cuphead's self-imposed isolation was beginning to do more harm than good. Taking the time to contemplate and collect one's thoughts is an important part of the grieving process. In Cuphead's case, however, the extent to which he'd spent so much time alone left a greater impression that he wasn't allowing himself to be with anyone. He was never fond of asking for help, as it went against his self-image of being an independent, confident go-getter in virtually any task at hand. Never did Cuphead ever realize that coping with death and loss was going to be the biggest challenge he'd ever faced, enough to make fighting the Devil look tame. ~~~~ Five days later, Mugman felt enough was enough. As Cuphead sat solemnly on the swing set, staring off into the sky, his brother approached him in a manner that was both nervous and assertive, trying as delicately as possible to address the glaring elephant in the room. "C-C-Cuphead," Mugman uttered. "A-Are you ready to finally talk now?" Cuphead sighed, his head now facing down. On any other day, Mugman would've rightfully taken this as a subtle, yet clear, "no." Nonetheless, he could no longer stand wallowing in hesitation, and remained persistant. "Cuphead, please. We can't keep going on like this." Mugman sat on the adjacent swing. "If we don't hear each other out, then w-we'll be too sad to eat, play, or do pretty much anything." Cuphead remained still, but his face made a grimace, his eyes shutting tight as they brimmed with tears. His mind was practically screaming at every muscle in his body to let him walk away again, or, at the very least, allow for any sort of movement beyond trembling and staggering breathing. Alas, the inner turmoil that had been festering inside Cuphead had now brought him into a state of psychological paralysis. All the anxiety, sadness, and loneliness he'd been trying to brush off had now ensnared him like quicksand. Noticing the rising tension, Mugman slowly reached his hand for that of his brother. "Cuphead, what's the matter? I wanna help you." The moment Mugman lay one finger on his hand, Cuphead suddenly found the strength to become mobile again. With a deep breath and a heavy gulp, he jerked up from his swing, staring down at his startled sibling. "I'm sorry, Mug," he answered firmly, "I'm sorry I've been so distant. I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care about you or anything." "Aw, Cuphead, you didn't-" Mugman stopped. His heartfelt response immediately froze from the sudden chill in his brother's voice. "But...but I think I finally know how to fix everything, and get our lives back to the way they were. I'm..." He paused, mustering the last bit of strength to speak his mind. "I'm gonna get Elder Kettle back!" Mugman gasped. "Cuphead, no! Y-you can't do that! Elder Kettle is dea-" "I KNOW!" Cuphead screamed, taking a few breaths to regain stability in his voice. "I mean, he may be now, b-but as long as we have things like ghosts and angels and soul contracts in this world, I am never gonna rule out the possibility that he could come back!" Mugman stood beside Cuphead, a familiar feeling of danger creeping inside him. "Cuphead, for once, be reasonable! Y-You almost gambled our souls for the Devil; who knows what'll happen if you-" "Reasonable?!" Cuphead shouted, taken aback. "Why don't you, for once, be willing to take a risk for something you want? We've spent way too much time with Elder Kettle to just give up on him now! Don't you even want to see him again?!" "Of course I do!" Mugman's voice started hardening as well. "But this...i-it just doesn't feel right!" "Fine, be that way! Sit here at home, and do nothing like a coward!" Cuphead paused. Mugman's expression looked like a twisted combination of hurt and enraged. As he turned his back on him, Cuphead softened his tone a bit. "Trust me, Mug. This is the only way we're gonna be happy again. And don't worry; I won't let you down. I won't stop until I've set everything right for all three of us!" The second he finished that declaration, Cuphead smoke-dashed away, making a beeline for the woods of Inkwell Isle I. Mugman tried hurriedly to catch up with him. "Cuphead, wait! Come back!" Unfortunately, it wasn't long before the forest became too dense with foliage to safely smoke-dash any farther. Before he knew it, Cuphead was already out of sight. Mugman's mind turned into an emotional roller coaster. Knowing his brother's hasty nature, he simply knew that what Cuphead had proposed was another one of his terrible ideas. Granted, much of Inkwell Isles' laws of nature didn't make sense to begin with. After all, this was a place where a queen bee could summon floating triangles, a giant mermaid could live while decapitated, and, as Cuphead had pointed out, there were even many ghosts and skeletons roaming freely in their afterlife! Nevertheless, nothing along such lines had appeared to come to fruition in Elder Kettle's case. If he wasn't meant to be seen among the living, it was most likely that, like everything else in Inkwell Isle, it was better to not question it, and simply accept it as part of reality. The last time Cuphead tried to defy that rule, the Devil very nearly took their heads. Also, despite the danger he knew would be at hand, there was a part of Mugman that wondered why he should bother saving Cuphead at all? How dare he accuse him of not caring about their beloved grandfather! He was every bit as upset over the loss as his brother was; how does wanting to move forward make him a coward? This was a new low, even for someone who carelessly gambled both their souls to the Devil. If Cuphead were to suffer, it's what he deserves for being such a jerk...right? Mugman then shook his head, rationality and common sense catching up with him. Cuphead's in trouble, he spoke in his mind. None of these arguments matter right now. I gotta make sure he stays safe, now more than ever. Not hesitating a minute longer, Mugman followed the path his brother took, his tear-soaked eyes now glaring with determination. An unnerving aura permeated the isles as a blood-red sunset turned Mugman's body into a bold silhouette. As much as he wanted to put his mental turmoil to rest, he had to put his grief aside if he wanted to keep family from getting any smaller than it already was.

(To be continued)

[jojotier]

Sugimoto for the character ask thing

Sugimoto is literally one of my fav characters and my First Love of golden kamuy?? i love him. i just love him as a person

Favorite Thing: He’s just so respectful and willing to listen?? Like he’s secure enough in his own capabilities and who he is as a person that he’s willing to let others take the lead if they know something he doesn’t, and he’s so respectful of Asirpa(-san, aaaa how cute is that?? that he uses that honorific??) despite her being a kid that it’s legitimately refreshing to see. He’s So Nice…

Least Favorite Thing: If you haven’t directly wronged him or anyone close to him, he’s still going to try and see the best in you, and I understand that Sugimoto is a deeply traumatized character trying to live day by day to keep himself sane and that some people deserve that kindness, but tHERE IS NO REASON FOR HIM TO TRY AND SYMPATHIZE WITH THE BEARFUCKER

Favorite Line: “On the battlefield, you have to destroy your old self and rebuild yourself as a different person, or you won’t be able to fight.” It hit hard, on multiple fronts- as mentioned in the previous ask, my Dad’s a war vet, so even from the time I was 5 years old and he was discharged, I knew that my once vivacious and cheerful father had changed. I rebuilt myself multiple times as well, though of course, that trauma and those battles aren’t for anyone on here to ever know

brOTP: Asirpa and Sugimoto??? Is there any contest???? At all????? Whatsoever??????? They just care so deeply for each other and have found a little family with them and god my heart 

OTP: The better question is what isn’t my otp. Sugimoto’s a ladies’ man, what can I say. A man’s man, actually. I ship him almost exclusively with guys, except for Umeko. But the ones I’ve been thinking about so far are SugiShira, SugiKoi, and SugiTsuki…

nOTP: OSugi, but mostly canon-wise. In canonverse, I can’t see Ogata with anyone, since he literally has no empathy for others (especially not anyone like Asirpa or Sugimoto), and also he tried to murder Sugimoto in cold blood but hey who hasn’t tried to brutally murder the one they love right. If it’s an au though, and it’s done very, very, very, v e r y well, you may be able to convince me to give it a shot- but even then, OTani has precedence in au settings in my eyes

Random Headcanon: He wants to use the gold left over from sending Umeko and her child to America to make a quiet life for himself. He’s spent far too long dealing in death and violence, and as he’s slowly learning that he’s more human than he gives himself credit for, he longs more and more to just settle down and exist peacefully. My personal hc is that, after everything is said and done, he lives with Asirpa’s kotan with Shiraishi and spends the remainder of his days hunting and taking trips back to his hometown so he can bring home lots of dried persimmons

Unpopular Opinion: When Sugimoto first got that head wound and it was revealed that he had similar brain damage to Tsurumi, I hated it so so so much. Mostly this is because I was afraid that Noda would use this plot point to make Sugimoto more “evil”, which would explain away Tsurumi’s actions as being purely due to his brain damage and not partially due to the fact that his personality before the injury already had him inclined to deeds that would boost his own image and prestige. As a psych major who wants to focus on the physiology of the brain, it drives me up the wall when people get the effects of brain trauma wrong

Thankfully, Noda’s handling of it all has been well researched and wonderfully done, and my fears that Sugimoto would be changed completely were unfounded- he’s still his lovely self, even if he’s prone to psychotic episodes in the heat of battle (not too far a stretch, given the hell on the heels fighting style he has where he mows down all foes in his way) and even if he’s impulsive enough to do an act with a real sword, the madman

Song I associate with him: Still in Saigon by Charles Daniels Band, without a doubt. A song about the confusion of a war vet coming home after horrific conflict and struggling with how people view them and their own PTSD and recovery fits Sugimoto to a T

Favorite Image: This one, because there’s no doubt in my entire mind that he knows the myth of Adonis and loves the story, because he just fucking loves love, what a sap, I love him