#but it really worsened my anxiety
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maybe this a strange thing to get hung up on but like. I can’t be the only one who subconsciously texts my friends a bit more professionally after writing a long email to my professor. Or whose internal monologue temporarily changes to sound like that YouTuber I just binged for 3 hours. Or who acts a little more excited and dramatic after watching an action movie. It’s normal to pick up patterns from other people and situations, right?? Why do my friends act so surpised when I start acting more like them, or tell me I “shouldn’t change who I am”? Like buddy. In NO social interaction am I presenting the Real Me. And besides that, you’re an important part of my life—why would it be so weird to be influenced by you? I don’t like being thought of as Weird or Not Genuine just because I do something differently from your previous expectations of me.
#personal#tbh most of the comments I get abt this are observations (like “when did you pick up that phrase??”) not judgy#but what really got me into this line of thinking was a comment from a friend about a year-ish ago?#she told me “you act so weird when you’re around [mutual friend of ours]. It’s like your whole personality changes.”#and I said “haha yeah well you two are pretty different from each other and I guess I tend to subconsciously act like the people I’m around#and she was like “yeah ik what you mean. I try not to do that”#which now that I write it… she technically said nothing about me#anyway I just. idk. so much of my comfort in social situations stems from being able to act like a part of the community#which I assumed meant act similar to them. but after that exchange it felt like it was more about what they already expected of me#which is absolutely terrifying because I can’t read their minds and CANNOT KNOW what expectations they have#I should probably get over that convo from a year ago like ik most people don’t think that way#but it really worsened my anxiety#anyway thx for reading now please forget I ever posted this#ramblings
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I know I've promised to share the Naruto meta analyzing key aspects of the series through several academic lenses that I've been writing, and I have shared the rough draft of the introduction. I'm posting this to let anyone who's been waiting for it know that I'm going to have to take an indefinite hiatus. I need to focus on my health, which has rapidly been declining, with no answers. All of the tests and specialists I've been through; MRIs, CT scans, ultrasounds, bloodwork (a LOT of bloodwork), urine testing, everything. I've been to a rheumatologist, a neurologist, a gastro surgeon; hell, the emergency room several times. I was fired from a job I really liked because I was missing too many days due to health issues. I had to withdraw from college due to my health. Everything is coming back normal, but my health worsening is NOT normal. I can barely even get out of bed without throwing up or needing to almost immediately lay back down because my heart feels like it's going to explode, so naturally, writing has not been my highest priority; hopefully you can understand.
#naruto#naruto meta#health issues#health problems#health#I'm calling my gp tomorrow to get a referral to a cardiologist#I'm also looking into an immunologist#but the closest one is like 2 hours away#in a very large city that I'm not super familiar with#i have anxiety#i know i should probably go to the er about my heart#but I've been a few times before#because I've been having progressively worsening heart issues for years at this point#and I've had really awful experiences and treatment at the local hospital#i can't even ask an ambulance to take me to a different hospital#because my health insurance won't cover it#i already have ~$80k in medical debt#from a two-week hospitalization after going into a literal coma#us healthcare#us health system#finally when my mental health has improved significantly#my physical health takes a nosedive#I've had to drop out of college this semester#i got fired from my job because i was missing too much#fuck gamestop
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honestly being in the phandom rn is the energy of i want to be there so you dont have to be brave bc the anxiety is SEVERE but i know yall have got me!!!
#astra.txt#dan and phil#sorry i went and reconfirmed w my phone instead bc i never got the email#and got So Fucking Nervous lmfao#it seems like tour is imminent but like. idk what ticket prices will look like or what this will like Be#will they stop all other content because that would suck#i hope they post tmrw. i need a reprieve :3c#sorry im being extra annoying btw i have PMS and its causing my anxiety to be like really intense#so its manifesting in like worsening my fixation on d&p content LMFAO#whatever furthers the phannie agenda tbh
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i miss how i felt before this year.
#i always felt like shit before august but not like this much. im so tired of being chronically dizzy .it feelsl ike my brain is melting.#im constantly dizzy and my eyes cant focus my head and eyes dont feel centered#despite cuting out alot of things its not going away. i cant focus anymore. all i can do is lie down for somewhat relief.#i miss being able to focus on anything at all. and just to exist. even if i felt mentally like shit.#id give anything to feel normal i really would. i just wanna feel better. im not saying no to the doctor. i WANT to#but thers so much sickness risk. thats hteo nly thing stopping me from going. otherwise id go to the doc for every ailment#i need an MRI scan badly to check what hapened back in august. i need a scan for seizures aswell and a heart monitor.#i also need updated labwork for blood and everything. but these things are out of reach unless i go to a reg doctor.#and that exposes me and i cant stand it. last time someone actively had norovirus in the next room over and that same doctor#came up to me like nothing and confirmed it with me. didnt even wash her fucking hands. i was inconsolable and traumatized further.#i dont wanna be around anyone. i wish things were easier for me i wanna go to the doctor. i feel id rather die instead. i cant take this.#i would even take an EAR INFECTION which has deafened me over feeling like this. im not even kidding.#health issues /#venting in tags /#vent art /#vent doodles /#self scribbles -#cicidraws#deleting later- - //#im convinced i had a small stroke back in august and i havent been the same since. now i cant take aspirin. every time i do it worsens dizz#dizziness. i started feeling a little better at one point and took it and it restarted my dizziness again. im sure i have something going o#my anxiety because of feeling this way has been thru the roof and has not stopped being thru the roof. its so hard to calm down.
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so fucked up that i can't take the anxiety meds to help with the anxiety that's caused by the anxiety meds. circle of violence.
#lmao about the dr saying that she thinks my breathing issues may be related to my anxiety#or at least worsened by it#like wow! you weren't kidding!#cus my breathing has gotten MUCH worse bc of the anxiety caused by the anxiety meds#im. hrgh.#its survivable just annoying#and i really don't want to set up another appointment when i already have one for#3 weeks from now#it's not worse than earlier is just. frustrating. and tiring.#and i wish i could take the meds that knock me out but i figure that would be. bad.#to mix that wity the stuff im on now#shh ac
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the ceo was in today and he was pissed that i didn’t acknowledge him while he was wandering around the store but as a rule I straight up don’t approach unapproachable people who look like they’d rather be left alone to shop & I was literally working on sales stuff and he went to my manager and complained and I think he was gonna rip me a new one too but my manager took the heat for me but it put him in such a bad mood that he snapped at me about other shit instead and atp I’m like is this job actually worth all of this in the end
#and while typing this I just saw a dead pigeon in the street and now I really wanna cry so badly tbh#I really thought getting out of the house would like make my mental health better but it’s straight up just worsening it day by day bc wdym#the ceo is pissed I didn’t acknowledge him. I don’t even know you bro#and I say hi to everyone who walks in if he’s one of those people who ignores me im sure as hell not going out of my way to harass him#absolutely mental behaviour#and then I talked to my manager abt school bc he asked and I said about all the schoolwork plus the training courses for work and he was#asking me if I’m sure I can keep doing work for them and school at the same time#so now it got me thinking like ??? do I just have anxiety or are you like having second thoughts about me bc like that’s fine too but just.#say it yknow#anyway idk I’m just tired#I want to work in my field. I don’t want to do this.#mrow.org
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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i hate twitters endless shaming i really need to delete that app for my mental wellbeing
#i already feel so fucking dumb im so sensitive and i know ppl think im pathetic but fuck i dont gotta see it !!!!!!!#being judged and shamed is the core of my anxiety and people online make it so much worse#i need to stop feeding into it and just take steps to avoid things i know will make me upset and worsen my mental state and twitter-#is absolutely a major major player#i just hate feeling like a fucking idiot or being scared of coming off whiny and ridiculous for complaining/ranting#which is why i deleted my old tumblr and started over in the first place because ppl took advantage of my sensitive ass#ugh#i just really hate myself and everybody if that wasn’t obvi 🫶🏻🫶🏻
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a little trick my brain likes to play is to make me so so sleepy and then right as I'm aby to close my eyes it convinces me i've missed an extremely important deadline (the brain is lying to me) and the adrenaline keeps me up for another hour
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Is csranboo intersex?
at this point i would say that's honestly up to reader interpretation! like a lot of other aspects of cs!ranboo's character, I didn't really go into the fic with the clear idea that he was going to be intersex. at a certain point i was having some health issues of my own and as i did at the start of CS especially, i projected some of that onto cs!ranboo. even after that all resolved for me i still thought the idea might be interesting but ultimately i didn't know how confident i was in my ability to accurately write an intersex character, or how it would intertwine with the story in a way that felt satisfactory, so it wasn't something i actively sought out as a totally canonized plot point. certain things are canon, like the fact that cs!ranboo has a deep voice, isn't on hormone meds, and has infrequent menstrual cycles (iirc, i think i have stated that? if not it's canon somewhere and i just never mentioned it oops).
that was very rambly but ultimately to me it's kinda like the cs!tubbo BPD thing. does cs!tubbo have BPD? i didn't necessarily go into the fic thinking that i was going to write him with BPD the same way that i did with cs!ranboo having psychosis, but ultimately i've written about him experiencing a lot of the symptoms and so i feel like that headcanon is really fitting and very very cool.
(it's difficult bc as a fic writer my temptation is to see any cool heacanon and go Yes That's Canon but that also necessitates that i like kind of know what im doing in writing that which again it's just. i don't wanna swing heavily to writing cs!ranboo being intersex in the middle of the fic when that wasn't already introduced as a plot point earlier)
#nightmare.cough-syrup#long ask but i have thought about this a lot#to expand if anyone is curiously i got misdiagnosed with PCOS technically twice#at this point i don't believe that is what i have at all however for like 2 years we were seeking for answers#and it created a lot of anxiety that ran parallel to the worsening of my psychosis problems#so at some point i got back from a doctor's appointment opened the CS doc and was like. yeah this is real#but like there was a lot that i would have wanted to do justice if i really fully sougth it out#like for example the CS legal system is already so fucked up that i don't even know how cs!ranboo goes to doctors appointments#when was the last time he had his physical. God knows
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Also tho beware lol: I systematically desensitized myself to pregnancy shit and the way gender and biological determinism is handled around mpreg in particular, because it was making existing in fanfic spaces stressful and I was like, this is a reasonable issue to have but a dumb thing to suffer about.
It worked, my experience of being in fandoms that are into that (a lot of them) is better.
But now I have all these opinions about bad speculative biology put forth to prop up omegaverse content which is not a thing I want to give a damn about.
I mean I think people should curate their own fandom experience and whatnot and it's perfectly fair to just avoid things one is uncomfortable with...
That being said. From personal experience? Immunizing myself to all my discomforts by browsing through pixiv and kink memes with raised eyebrows while searching for things I am interested in back when tagging was non-existent has really made my fandom experience much more pleasant nowadays.
I have preferences, for sure. But I have no fear. I have no cringe. The filthiest, grossest fanwork holds no powers over me. I am a god.
Like honestly dl;dr and block on sight is respectable and all but I genuinely think everyone could just benefit from purposefully exposing yourself to your nOTP and non-triggering squicks sometimes? (And obviously don't go bother the creators for it.) If only so that it makes it easier/safer to search for content you like without living in fear of accidentally glimpsing something you hate and having that ruin your day.
#i want to talk about my opinions but i also really don't!#also like a lot of this content exists because people are processing their own anxieties through fiction#which means it's often people with the exact same problems as the people who are mad about the content#and while it's super not appropriate to say#'this thing you can't avoid is worsening your trauma around thing? embrace it and become desensitized'#because having control over your exposure is what makes the difference in how it's experienced#i.e. consent is key#creating content about an upsetting thing is still in all normal cases less directly done AT someone than trying to repress that content#so the 'who is in whose yard' rule applies#tag your shit tho since modern web design throws us all in together
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⛈️ //
#horrid day. try again tomorrow.#between overthinking every little thing i feel or do or say & anxiety beinf extremely high#to physical pain giving me hell & just not feeling well#& then just power outages ruining my plans & everything#& then this. fucking. dread i feel abt somehow causing problems on accident. or aomehow fucking things up & feeling like.#i’m walking on eggshells with MYSELF#over analyzing every single little thing i say or so to where i end up in this nasty loop of worsening anxiety#this feeling also that anything i say or do will be taken wrong bc for some reason thats been a thing today too#hell on earth. its exhausting.#i cant even at least sleep because its fucking humid as fuck too.#& my body doesnt handle that kinda weather well it feels horrid so its just…#i really dont wanna go to work tomorrow i just want a self care day or somethn atp bc no#idk im just barely handling anything well rn.#shoulda expected this mess from the moment i woke up & felt this anxiety & dread idk#maybe im just getting too caught up in my head.#i wish i could just go wandering get lost in the city or wander my neighborhood or. something. take my mind off how haywire its going over#quite literally EVERYTHING. & also ig certain memories too but we’re not touching that#just tired of this shit. & wishing i had a means of grounding myself.#tbd i suppose. idk.#ishtar rambles ;#im kinda just falling apart emotionally but is finee#emotional state falling apart faster than a nature valley granola bar AYYY
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We really are all suffering together, huh? The tags in the rbs of that last post feel almost comforting bc even if we’re all suffering at least we’re not suffering alone. Solidarity! I guess. It took my mind off of things for a second purely bc my therapist friend instincts kicked in and I felt the urge to comfort everyone talking about the rough shit they’re dealing with. I love humanity so much sometimes. I wish I could hold everyone in the world who’s hurting and promise them that better things are coming. Alas I am but one man. I guess the next best thing to do is care for the people I can and hope it passes on to others.
#vent#kinda#vaguely depressing philosophizing maybe?#things have been weird lately#social anxiety has also really been kicking me in the ass#just general autism symptoms worsening yippee#cried cus I had to do the dishes#cried cus I thought too hard about nostalgia and the good parts of my childhood#like. I’ll NEVER get to feel that way again#I’ll never experience life like that again#I’ll never feel that indescribable abstract feeling of that time again#I hate getting older#I hate that I’m gonna be twenty next month#where the fuck did the time go#I want nothing more than to go back#and the worst part is that so much of my childhood was hell#I just miss the good bits so fucking much#I feel like I should be crying. I feel like I need to#it just isn’t happening#it’s killing me that my ability to feel emotions deeply is disappearing slowly#it’s so fucking scary#that’s who I am!#I NEED them! I NEED the emotions! how else will I know I’m real??#I’m so scared that it’ll go the same way my ability to read did#I used to fucking TEAR through books but now I can’t help but skim even the shortest and easiest reads and IM A FUCKING WRITER#I need to be able to read to keep my skills sharp!#ugh#I just miss the joy of reading so bad#I feel like I’m being turned into some kind of drone#anyway goodnight. trying to go to sleep before three for once
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Hello, do you have Twitter? It would be great to spread the donation links on Twitter.
Hi! I do, but I made it private in 2020 due to the war, so azeris wouldn't bother me. So as you can guess, I don't really want to open it now. If you want to share the links from my donations/action items masterposts on twitter, please, don't hesitate to do so!!
#i also don't really go on twitter anymore - it only worsens my anxiety#i would be very grateful if you guys shared the links wherever you can 💔#ask
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i really need to work on politely speaking my truth with ppl i dont know very well. my avoidant behaviour is an issue in a houseshare environment
#its bc i really struggle to address things non-confrontationally#and i dont want to sound horrible so i just . dont at all#but it leads to such bizarre behaviour and worsens my anxiety grr
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hii!! i love ur blog lol. i saw ur requests were open and i thought maybe id send one in! no pressure at all to do it, thank you for writing what you write (it’s really comforting!) i was wondering if you could do poly!marauders with a reader who is overworking herself for exams/college stuff and is hiding from her boyfriends because she knows they’ll be stern with her and make her take a break? so she tries to evade them but they foil her evil little plan lol. maybe like dom!remus… i’m obsessed w him.. just an idea!!!! have an amazing day 🩷
Thanks for requesting, hope you have an amazing day too!
cw: d/s dynamics to be found if you want them to be, mostly they're just bossy
poly!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 814 words
There are nice voices seeping into your consciousness. Soft, comforting. You snuggle into the gentleness of their familiar hum.
Something moves from underneath your face. You start to open your eyes, slow and reluctant, and when the something is gone your face lands in a warm palm. It feels safe, easy enough to settle into, but as you’re about to let yourself slip away again it strokes its thumb over your cheek.
“Angel.” James’ voice sounds almost like he’s trying not to laugh. He thumbs your cheek again. “Angel, hey.” A pause. “She doesn’t seem to want to wake up.”
“She’s awake,” Sirius says. You feel his hand sweep across your shoulder blades. “Come on, sweetness. This is no place to spend the night.”
You make a disgruntled, whiny sound you’d never allow in full consciousness. Your eyes peel open.
“There she is.” Sirius rubs your back encouragingly.
You blink blearily in the sickening fluorescent light of the library. James is squatting at face-level in front of you, his expression somewhere between fond and pitying, while Remus stands behind him with your backpack over his shoulder. You can see Sirius peering down at you in your periphery, his hand still moving over your back as though to keep you from falling back asleep.
There doesn’t seem to be anyone else around. It must be late.
“Oh, no,” you groan, forcing yourself up. Your neck and back crackle as you straighten, making James cringe.
“I agree,” Sirius says smoothly. “I too would be devastated if I traded a warm and cozy bed with my loving boyfriends for a hard, cold desk. But don’t be embarrassed, there’s still time to make things right.”
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.” You press the heels of your hands into your eyes, trying to rub wakefulness into them. “I…where’s my laptop?”
“I have it,” says Remus.
“I need it.”
“You’ll get it back tomorrow.”
A slow, heavy anxiety laces your bloodstream. “But I have to finish…”
“Dove.” Remus’ voice is stern, though not unkind. “You have to sleep first. At home.”
You blink, your brain still lagging. “But…”
“Sweetheart, c’mere.” James takes your face in his hand, angling you towards him. He brushes his thumb over the corners of your eyes, then smiles at you. “There. Sorry, you had crusties. Ready to go?”
“I…”
“Let’s go, babe.” Sirius winds an arm around your waist, hauling you up with him. “It’s definitely bedtime.”
James chuckles. “Seems like it. Poor love.”
“What about my stuff?”
“I’ve got it, dove,” Remus reminds you. He frowns. “When was the last time you slept?”
You think back. “Last night.” Was it really only last night? It feels eons ago.
“But for how long?”
“Uh…” you wince. “I dunno, a couple hours.”
James makes a low pitying sound, and Remus’ frown worsens. On some level, you know you’d known they would react like this. Probably, you’d even known they were right. It was why you’d been spending as little time at home as possible, catching twenty-minute power naps in library chairs and avoiding your boyfriends.
“Sweetheart,” Remus sounds tired himself, and guilt sprouts behind your ribcage, “you can’t run yourself ragged like this. It’s not sustainable. It’s not going to help with your schoolwork, and it’s awful for you besides. Why are you doing this to yourself?”
You heave a sigh. “I guess I just like living on the edge,” you grumble sardonically.
Sirius huffs a laugh. He slots a piece of hair behind your ear. “Hey, recklessness is my thing,” he says, kissing your temple. “You need to get your own thing.”
“Sorry.”
“You need to take better care of yourself,” Remus chides. “You’ve tried your way, and it’s clearly not working. Right?”
You’re silent. Then Sirius pinches your side, and you squeak, “Right.”
“Good girl.” Remus’ tone warms some with amusement. “So we’re going to go home, and you’re going to sleep at least eight hours. Then, after you eat and drink something, you can have your laptop back. Okay?”
“Okay.” You want to be more reluctant, but the allure of your boyfriends’ evil scheme is too tempting to resist. You don’t have the energy to fight them on it. “Thanks for coming to get me.”
Remus holds the door open for you all to exit the library. As you pass, he cups your cheek with a small smile. “You’re welcome, dovey.”
“And maybe during this next round of studying, you could take a break from time to time,” James suggests lightly. “I haven’t had a proper cuddle in days.”
“Oi!” Sirius’ chin nearly smacks the side of your head as he whips around to see James. “What would you call what we did this afternoon?”
“Not a proper cuddle. Your elbow has probably left a permanent indent in my stomach.”
“There are people who would pay for a souvenir like that, Jamie.”
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